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Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
How to Support a Loved One Without Fixing Them
00:25:55
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Hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, warriors.
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Hello, warriors, and welcome to another episode of the Love youe Life Show. I am Susie Pettit, your certified life, wellness, relationship and parenting coach, and I am so excited to bring you this episode. I probably say that every episode, yet it's the truth. You guys, I put so much thought and time into these episodes. Your time is valuable. And if you are the type of person who listens to shows like this, you are unique, you are special. You notice that things don't feel quite right in your life, and instead of settling or complaining forever about it, or you look for ways to improve and feel better. Do you know that makes you extraordinary? Truly, that's the definition of the word extraordinary. Ordinary people settle for ordinary things. They get ordinary results. They hear there's a mental health crisis and they're like, ah, well, that sucks. They notice they set goals but give up on themselves a week or a month in, and they're like, oh, well, that happens. They get in another fight with their teenager and they're like, yeah, that's just what it's like. They don't strive for that next level that night. They're like, maybe that's what it's like for most people, but not me. No, you listeners, you're part of the group that isn't content to sleep, walk through life, who wants better, who has a growth and open mindset. You guys click on an episode of a show called the Love youe Life Show. There's a part of you that thinks that's possible. That hopeful, persistent warrior part that looks around and sees other people settling into their lives of Good enough. And my Love youe Life show listeners think, what if there's a different way? What if this isn't just how life is? Which is why I'm so excited for this episode. You have the interest, I do the research, and boom, things change. So let's get into the meat of this episode. I've done a lot of recent episodes on how to support yourself, your nervous system, how to validate yourself, how to stay emotionally regulated. Those are all great episodes to go back to and re listen to because as a human, we are on an emotional roller coaster every day. We have emotions all day, every day. We're not getting out of the human experience. That's part of it. Okay. It's not about, like, we're always going to feel calm and zen, like we're in a mountain alone. No. Life happens and we're up and down. This is the life we're here to live. Okay? And so we want the tools to do that. And this week I'm going sort of a deeper level and I want to give you some tools and skills, teach some skills to support the other humans who are suffering around us too. Suffering is a pretty strong word, but that's what, you know, like we're all having things happen. Life is life. Life gets lifey. That's sort of the spoiler alert. Everyone has problems. That's part of life they'll never be a day when you're like, that's it, that stuff is over. No more problems, no part of human life. And actually happiness is a mix of contentment with what is and then eagerness for more. The universe is always happy pushing us to evolve. It's always pushing us into our next best self. And the same goes true for others also. And so as a loving, warm hearted listener that you are, how do we support them? Specifically the people closest to us. But we can use these skills with anyone. But specifically like our partners, our kids or our parents, siblings, without slipping into the unhelpful patterns of over functioning or fixing things for people who it's their job to fix. Like becoming that martyr. There's a big, we all know there's a big difference between doesn't anyone realize how much I do feeling and that feeling of love and support that like, wow, I helped them, I supported them. And it like it feels much calmer and connected. Okay. We don't want to be using our brain to solve a problem their brain is supposed to be solving. What we can do is support them while they're in the problem. So let me share some ways you can support any of these people around you having their human experiences. Whether they're your teen, your young adult child, your spouse, doesn't matter their age. 1292 how do we help that person in a way that actually strengthens the relationship, leaving them feeling supported, not like something's wrong with them or broken. Bonus is the ways I'm speaking of. They also help you feel loving, not resentful. Not like that martyr, like it's all on me. Okay? And I love keeping things simple. And this is simple if you think of it with the framework I share. By the end of this episode, you'll have actual ideas of things you can do and say that will support the other people in your life without being Codependent or taking on their emotional labor. Practice these with your friends, your kids over the age of nine, siblings and partner. You will be amazed at the closeness it can create in relationships that matter to you and. And how you will not be feeling so resentful and, like, burdened. Like, everything is your job responsible for everyone else's feelings and life experiences? So first, I want to back up a little and look at the framework. And just to remind everyone if they've not listened to every episode of the Love youe Life show. But we have three. I like to simplify it and think of three main voices that live inside of all of our heads. The inner critic, the inner coach, and the inner rebel. The inner critic's voice is critical, as it says, mean, discouraging. It says things like, you stink. You're not good enough. Why even try? You fail. You're not good at that. Okay. The inner critic is often easy for us to notice if. If, you know, like, once we sort of, like, get out of the voices, we're like, oh, yeah, that's the inner critic. Because it's critical, it's mean. Might be, you know, a voice of one of our parents or one of our old teachers. The inner coach is a voice of support, and it speaks and pushes you towards confidence and growth. The inner coach voice is kind, supportive, and encouraging. It says things like, I know this is tough, but you can do it. Or like, when you. You try something and it doesn't go the way that you want, your inner coach voice will say, like, that sounds like it felt disappointing to you. Tell me more. This voice allows us to have the emotional experience we're having without criticizing us or talking us out of our dreams. Think of you and any goal you set. Maybe think back to January. Okay. Say you wanted to lose weight and you thought one way to do that would be to not eat after dinner. Okay. And say you get on the scale at the end of the month and you've gained weight. I think we're all pretty clear as to what the inner critic would say. Well, what is the inner coach going to say? The inner coach is going to say something like, wow, that must be hard to see that number go up. What are you feeling? And then when we let ourselves answer, the inner coach might also say, that makes sense. You feel that way. This is important to you. Tell me more. The inner coach is supportive and loving while not letting you off the hook, keeping you in line with the things that you want. It allows us to have the feelings we're having. While also then leaving a space to learn how to grow and move towards our goals, even when it feels uncomfortable. Whereas this third voice I want to talk about today is called the inner rebel, okay? And I heard another parent coach talk about this. It's like the inner, like, bad influence friend. You know how, like, if your teenager has a friend and they have. That's like a bad influence on them, it's going to sort of talk them out of things. Okay? You know the one, okay, this inner rebel is that voice, okay, that you think they're sort of a bad influence on your kid. That the one that says things like, why bother? Let's just play video games instead. Sort of talking you out of your dreams. Like, think of the example above that I gave. If someone had a goal for the New Year's to lose weight and not eat after dinner, our inner rebel or bad influence friend voice inside of our head might say, whatever. You know, losing weight at this age is hard. Screw it. It's just your metabolism because you're older. Let's go get some tacos. The inner rebel voice is sneaky because it's not as critical as the inner critic. Doesn't sound as harsh. But the bottom line is it moves us away from our goals. It does not move us towards the life we want to be living. I have a past episode where I dive more into these three voices that I'll link below because that's a great one to re listen to. And it's always a good time to pause and reflect and, and think about the voices in your head to be like, is this my inner rebel talking me out of. You know, like, you decide the night before, you're like, okay, I'm going to wake up and I'm going to exercise in the morning. And then your alarm goes off and your voice is like, oh, you don't need to do it. Screw it. You can start tomorrow. Guess which voice that is. That's not the inner critic. The inner critic would be like, oh, you're too fat. It's not going to matter anyhow. Just stay in bed, you lazy bum. Okay, that's critical. But the inner rebel is the one that's like, oh, it's fine. Starting. Start tomorrow. What's the difference of one day going to make or one snooze? Just cut your. Cut your walk by nine minutes. Doesn't matter. Okay? That's why listening to the episode that I'll link below is. It's a good one to listen to over and over. I just need to say the main difference between the inner rebel and the inner coach is to notice whether the actions we take after listening to that voice move us toward our goal or away from them. Right. The inner coach can sometimes be like, okay, get up. You've got this. You don't need to stay in bed. It might feel a little harsh. That's moving us towards our goal. All right, so let's look at an example. So that's us having that knowledge. These three voices are inside the other people in our lives. Brains too. And sometimes based on what we say or do, we can influence one or the other. And it's really easy, important to notice because I don't think anyone here is consciously thinking, like, I want to, you know, have my spouse or my child have a real strong inner critic, or I want to influence and make sure they listen more to their inner rebel. Okay? My listeners are kind hearted, really supportive people, and they want the other people in their lives to succeed too. So let's look at what our actual voices might be modeling in terms of their inside voices. So let's say today, later, or whatever, your kid gets a D on a chemistry lab, okay? Their inner critic might say something like, you're so dumb, you stink at studying. Their inner rebel might say things like, screw chemistry. Who needs it? That teacher made the test unfair. There's nothing you could have done differently. Then they go to scroll on their phones, numb out in some way, play video games, okay? Or they might be like, oh, whatever, chemistry is dumb. Let's go to carb Starbucks. Okay? It's like, really hard for me to give these examples because I know they happen all day in heads around the world, but it's really hard. Oh, here's another one that the inner rebel will do. Like, you come home with the D in chemistry and your inner rebels, like, yeah, chemistry is dumb. The real problem is your fat butt. Like, it, like, adds to the drama of your life. It, like, distracts you with something. It's not keeping you focused on the chemistry. It's like, oh, no, let's just get her really feeling bad. So what does the inner coach say? The inner coach is that supportive, realist. It could say, oh, wow, that's disappointing. You wanted to do well. I'm sorry. Helpful to note. So that's what's happening inside other people's heads. We have really strong in inner critics and inner rebels where our inner coach needs some nurturing and development. Hopefully you're getting the point of how these work in our head. And now double warrior power. Let's Take these three voices outside of our head and outside of their head, let's shift to look at the massive influence we have on the other people in our lives. While we cannot change other humans, do not discount the great influence you have on the humans around you, the great influence you have of being and highlighting their inner coach triply. So if they're your children. So let's learn how to do this. Because sort of the standard quo out there is that we do the opposite and we're strengthening the other voices and make them feeling like they're not good enough. No, let's not do that. Let's look at how to strengthen the other person's inner coach instead of accidentally reinforcing their inner critic or rebel. Most parents, myself included, want to correct our teen when they mess up. Take the chem lab example. When they tell us they get a D, we might say something like, oh, yeah, I was wondering why you didn't study last night. Or, yeah, well, maybe next time you should study without the TV on. These are things we say. And do you see how even though we're thinking, we're offering help, even though it is, this is passive aggressive help, warriors. Saying these things would add fuel to your child's inner critic. Okay, this works with adults too. I know. Right now my husband is working on lowering his cholesterol, and I noticed that he chose to eat a bacon and egg roll the other morning. Okay, the next time he complains about his cholesterol or he gets his blood test back, do I say something like, yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't be eating all that bacon? No, warriors, my husband has a brain. He knows what he should and shouldn't be doing. Okay? And even if he doesn't in the moment, that's part of like. Whereas parents, we sort of jump. We're like, oh, my God, we have to teach them this? No, they figure it out a lot faster without us, like little smarty pants Susie or, you know, smarty pants mom being there. That is unhelpful. If they are over the age of nine, their brain has entered a different stage of development and. And you giving that sort of feedback is no longer helpful. It reinforces. It's not like a lesson building opportunity. It reinforces their inner critic or their inner rebel. So let's talk about what we might say. Okay. What we might be doing that accidentally increase the inner rebel or that bad influence friend with the D in chemistry example. Okay. They come home with a D and we say things like, I heard that. I'm sorry. I just need to be clear. I'm telling you, I think I just said it wrong. We're showing about the inner rebel here. We talked about the inner critic, but it's the inner rebel. Okay? So if they come home with a D and we say something like, we're trying to talk them out of their negative experience, sort of by distracting them. So we might say, yeah, I heard that teacher was ridiculously hard. You want to stop at Starbucks on the way home? We're sort of like, yeah, like, we're discounting. We're just like, yeah, let's not take any responsibility for the results you're seeing in your life, okay? Or maybe we say something like, yeah, you're not great at science. Luckily, you do well in English. Do you see how that inner rebel is sneaky? As parents, we weren't raised with emotional intelligence. And so we're actually trying to soothe their nerves. We're trying to talk them out of their feelings so we feel better. We're like, oh, no, that teacher's hard. Let's get. Let's go get a coffee. Let's go get a sugary drink. Let's go. Like, what? And yet, this is the path to building resilient adults, having our kids have the experiences they're here to have, getting the D in chemistry and learning from it. When we are reinforcing the inner rebel, we're, like, brushing past the feeling, talking them out of that feeling. If you. Well, instead of letting them sit in the discomfort, they got a D. That's not what they wanted. Feeling. Disappointment is a great feeling to feel in that circumstance. It feels uncomfortable, but it is the fuel for learning and growth. The inner rebel tries to distract them or talk them out of that feeling, which unfortunately then leads them to not feel the discomfort they need to learn from their experience. Same. Same with the example I was giving him. My husband, let's say my husband says, I got my blood test back and my cholesterol still high. Okay. Something I could say that would support the inner rebel and sort of support him not going after his goals and dreams would be like, well, some say cholesterol doesn't matter so much anyhow. Okay. Or the next time we're out and he's like, oh, I really want that bacon and egg, but I'm trying to lower my cholesterol. What should I do? We were like, oh, my God. Uncomfortable husband. Oh, why not just one sandwich? All right. The inner rebel is moving you away from the dreams. The inner coach is moving you towards. So looking at Those two examples. Now let's look at what the inner coach would say. It's actually usually simpler than we think. And it could be something as simple as, you know, kid says they got a D on the lab, or husband says his blood results are still not where he wants them to be. And you just say, oh wow, I'm sorry, and pause. Keep your mouth shut. It's going to be so hard. I know it for my listeners, it's hard for me. And yet sometimes that's enough. Some of the best parenting advice I give is if you don't want to mess, say less. This also helps a lot with validating and supporting people. Husband says my cholesterol is still sky high. You say, oh, that stinks. I know you're working on that. Our kid gets a D, same thing. Oh, that stinks. I know you want more than Ds if that's the truth. If the kid doesn't care and they just get the D, then don't put that passive aggressive in there like, oh, they shaming them like, they should want more than Ds. Just they get the D and you're like, oh, that stinks. Humans grow through what they go through, so they have to go through it. Us trying to use the inner revel or talk them out of it, not helpful. And I need to be clear that us saying I'm sorry. Like, they come home and we're like, you know, they got the D or the bad blood results and we're just like, I'm sorry, that stinks. We aren't saying that. And then going back to like making dinner or looking at our phone because that can feel dismissive. They're just like, okay, no, this is about saying, oh wow, I'm sorry, closing your mouth and being present with them while they have their uncomfortable emotion. This is co regulating. Regulating is when we do it on our own. Co regulating is when we can have another human there making it a little easier. It feels like support. It's a wonderful part of being human. And we just get to be there with them. We don't talk them out of it. We don't criticize their past actions. We don't minimize it. Well, it's just one blood test or it's just chemistry in your tent. No, we sit and we're a safe witness. We let them have the experience they're having. It's safe for them to have emotions. Count to 10, keep your mouth shut. Go back and listen to that. How to validate for yourself your own emotions. How to self Regulate. One of the most important things to remember as you're trying to channel this inner coach is, is the less words you say, the more effective you'll be. We don't want to work harder solving the problems that other people have in their lives than they are. And this includes kids over the age of nine. They get different size problems based on their age, okay? And we need to let their brains learn how to solve them with our brain still present. If we don't, this leads to them under functioning and codependency. And this can happen when they're age 9. It can also happen when they're 49, 59, 69. We have a lot of men out there that are looking to us to help them with their mental health. Step back, be the inner coach. Step back so they can step up no matter their age. While this might seem simple, if you practice noticing where you're potentially reinforcing the inner critic or the inner rebel, when you have the opportunity to reinforce the inner coach, you. This would be huge, fundamental, a massive shift, I see in the strength of people's relationships, okay? It helps them and it also helps how you feel in the relationship. You aren't feeling so responsible for everything and, like, you're like the master of the universe and you have to keep it all in line. There's so much on you and blah. No. And they aren't feeling nagged, criticized, or that what they're doing isn't good enough. Okay? If they're, you know, nine and above, there's a part of them that probably knows that, like, my husband gets his blood test back. He's a grown ass man. He can be like, yeah, God, maybe I shouldn't be eating that bacon. If I point it out, he feels emasculated. So he's like, double whammer, Bammer, whatever I'm going to call it. Like, he's like, oh, bummer. Like, I know I stink and my wife sees that I stink. That feels great. No. What do people want, ourselves included, to feel loved and supported. So. So we can take the steps to follow through with our dreams and goals. It feels so good. If I'm going after something and I, like, go share it with my husband. And he's like, oh, sounds like you're disappointed. I get it. You're working hard towards that. That feels really good. Versus him being like, well, you don't need to do that thing. You could just, you know, I'm like, no, you don't get me. All right? This is warrior work. This is awesome. And before you, dear one, go into the past and you start beating. You let your own inner critic pop up and you're like, oh, my God, it's too late. I missed the boat. This is. I messed up too bad. No, no, there is never too bad. Every day is a new beginning. You get the lesson you need today for where you are right now. Everything's happening right on time. Okay? And maybe this is the little nudge you need to join the Love youe Life School. We work on learning new behaviors and supporting our wonderful selves every single week. In there, podcasts touch the surface. When you're ready to make real change faster, get coached by a qualified coach like me. Bring your brain to me, and together we will support you. I designed the Love youe Life School to fit into your full schedule. Come live or watch the replays. Either way, you learn, you grow, and you change. Unhelpful patterns that keep you and the people you love stuck so much can change when we take what we've learned in the podcast and apply it in real life, the way I teach you to do in the Love youe Life School. And what do you do with that? Well, that's the question. What will you do? Let's find out. Sometimes listening to a podcast is enough. But sometimes, and maybe today, is that time you feel inspired to go a bit deeper. If you hear things that speak to you in today's episode, consider it your invitation to take the next step. Two steps, actually. Go to theloveyourlifeschool.com and come to a session. Your best life is waiting for you. Will you show up for it? I hope so, dear one. It's what I'm voting for. I love you and thank you for being a part of the Love youe Life School family.
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Thank you for listening to the Love youe Life Show. If you want to hear more from Susie and support the show, be sure to subscribe to this podcast on itunes. Also, leave a review and share this podcast with friends and family. Go get em, warriors.