Love Your Life Show with Susie Pettit

Episode: Midlife Sexuality: You’re Not Broken

Guest: Dr. Jen Gonzalez

Date: February 12, 2025

Overview

In this candid and insight-packed episode, Susie Pettit is joined by Dr. Jen Gonzalez, a renowned sociologist, relationship communication coach, and sexuality expert. Together, they confront the myths, shame, and social conditioning surrounding women’s sexuality—especially in midlife. The episode offers practical advice for overcoming negative body image, navigating desire mismatches, and reigniting intimacy in long-term relationships, all while tackling the persistent belief among women that something is “broken” about their sexuality.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Contradictory Messages About Female Sexuality

[02:12–05:06]

• Both host and guest share personal experiences of growing up with mixed messages: Girls are told to be attractive but not “too sexy,” to be desirable but never desiring, and to remain silent about their needs.
  • “We think of sex as just a natural thing, but we are, from birth, being socialized… and that comes with a whole host of expectations.” — Dr. Jen [02:48]
• Media, religion, and family perpetuate unrealistic ideals—shaping how women view their bodies, pleasure, and sexual encounters.
  • “If we were to believe Hollywood films as accurate, we would think that everybody is insatiable … and all women are easily orgasmic … and that’s insane and not true at all.” — Dr. Jen [03:24]
• Dr. Jen emphasizes how this leads to shame, self-judgment, and a sense of brokenness when reality diverges from these scripts.

2. Body Image and Self-Worth in the Bedroom

[07:21–14:25]

• The hosts explore how a lifetime of comparison and “beauty pageant” mentality drains women’s time and self-esteem.
  • “It’s like from birth, girls and women are entered into a lifetime beauty pageant we never signed up for.” — Dr. Jen [08:26]
• Societal double standards allow men to age “sexily,” while women are pressured to maintain youth and thinness, often at the expense of joy and connection.
• This insecurity carries into intimate relationships, affecting presence and enjoyment.

3. Being Present and Reclaiming Sexual Enjoyment

[12:57–17:45]

• Dr. Jen offers practical, mindfulness-inspired strategies for being present during intimacy:
  • Anchor to the five senses—focus on touch, smell, music, etc.
  • Acknowledge distracting or negative thoughts (“I see you, I’ve got this”), but choose to enjoy the moment anyway.
  • Recognize that partners are usually happy because you are present, not fixated on perceived flaws.
• Notable quote:
  • “We have a right to pleasure and enjoyment regardless of what your body looks like, what you think it looks like.” — Dr. Jen [17:42]

4. Understanding Desire: Spontaneous vs. Responsive

[19:40–24:36]

• Dr. Jen distinguishes between spontaneous desire (“microwave”—immediate, most common in new relationships or for young men) and responsive desire (“slow cooker”—arises with the right context, emotional connection, and intentionality).
  • “What we often have in long-term relationships is responsive desire... you take that leap of faith, and your body starts getting aroused, and then that leads to desire, which then leads to more arousal, which then leads to pleasure.” — Dr. Jen [21:55]
• Practical tip: Don’t wait for “horniness” to appear. Create conditions (emotional closeness, light touching, anticipation) that allow arousal to develop into desire.

5. Communication and Teamwork in Intimacy

[25:20–26:49]

• Open, non-defensive communication is essential. Needs and desires change; what works one day might not another. Give feedback without shame for either partner.
  • “It doesn’t mean you’re broken, it doesn’t mean your partner is doing anything wrong...These are women’s bodies in long-term relationships with the stress of life and the shifts of hormones.” — Dr. Jen [25:32]
• View navigating intimacy as teamwork, not blame.

6. Brakes & Accelerators: Why “Just Spice It Up” Doesn’t Work

[27:36–30:09]

• Dr. Jen references Emily Nagoski’s dual-control model: desire depends on both “accelerators” (things that turn you on) and “brakes” (stress, body image, exhaustion, etc.)
  • “If there’s a brake on, and you push the accelerator all you want, you’re not going to get anywhere.” — Dr. Jen [28:24]
• Women often have more (and stronger) brakes; removing them is as important as creating excitement.

7. Discovering What You Like—It’s Okay to Not Know

[30:49–34:33]

• Many women feel embarrassed or pressured when asked what they want sexually. Exploration is encouraged—try erotica, romance novels, vibrators, or new experiences just for yourself.
• Crucial insight:
  • “The things that turn us on aren’t necessarily things we actually want to do in real life.” — Dr. Jen [31:30]
• Fantasy is safe and private; there’s no obligation to share or enact everything you imagine.

8. Sex After a Dry Spell: How to Reconnect

[35:36–41:27]

• Sexless relationships are very common, especially in long-term marriages. Dr. Jen urges intentionality if you want to reignite things:
  • Start small and slow—don’t expect to jump back in at the same level.
  • Introduce “Happy Naked Fun Time” (HNFT): scheduled, tech-free, nude or mostly nude, cuddling, touching, and talking without the expectation of intercourse.
  • “If you put an expectation on yourself… you have to perform, then that’s probably going to… kill it.” — Dr. Jen [37:48]
• Use external support (coach or therapist) if there are underlying resentments or miscommunications.

9. Redefining Intimacy and Sex

[40:28–41:47]

• Broaden the definition—intimacy can be a menu, not just penetration. Massage, cuddling, or small gestures count.
• Vulnerability is key: true intimacy requires trust and the willingness to be emotionally exposed.
  • “Intimacy at the core… is raw vulnerability and trusting the person you’re with.” — Dr. Jen [41:27]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Social Conditioning:
  “It is filled with contradictions.” — Dr. Jen [02:31]

• On Body Image:
  “From birth, girls and women are entered into a lifetime beauty pageant we never signed up for.” — Dr. Jen [08:26]

• On Being Present:
  “May as well make the best of it… anchor yourself to your five senses… acknowledge the thoughts, come back to those senses, knowing you have a right to pleasure and enjoyment…” — Dr. Jen [15:34]

• On Desire:
  “If you’re not feeling [desire] much, you could be waiting for a really long time. So, it’s a reframing…” — Dr. Jen [22:36]

• On Exploring Fantasies:
  “There does seem to be a gender difference… women are much less likely to ever want to live out their fantasies… it’s safe in my head.” — Dr. Jen [32:57, 33:51]

• On Intimacy as Vulnerability:
  “Intimacy at the core… is raw vulnerability and trusting the person you’re with and creating the safe space that they can trust you. And it is very scary and it is very beautiful.” — Dr. Jen [41:27]

Resources Mentioned

• Dr. Jen’s Book: From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinventing Sex for Women [42:20]
• Emily Nagoski’s Books: Come As You Are & Come Together [27:36]
• Ian Kerner's Book: She Comes First [39:27]

Where to Find Dr. Jen:

• Website: DrJensDen.com
• Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn

Suggested Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:12] Mixed messages about sexuality and early conditioning
• [08:26] The “beauty pageant” metaphor; impact on self-worth
• [12:57–15:34] Mindful intimacy: presence, battling distraction
• [19:40–22:36] Spontaneous vs. responsive desire explained
• [25:20–26:49] Importance of communication, teamwork in intimacy
• [27:36–30:09] Brakes vs. accelerators, dual-control model
• [30:49–34:33] How to find out what you want and safe exploration
• [35:36–41:27] Sex after a dry spell, Happy Naked Fun Time
• [41:27] Vulnerability and the true meaning of intimacy

This episode is packed with compassionate guidance and permission for women—especially in midlife—to explore, celebrate, and reframe their sexuality without guilt or self-blame. Dr. Jen’s perspective is both affirming and practical, making this a must-listen for anyone reconsidering their approach to intimacy.