← Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
Love Your Life Show: Personal Growth, Mindset, + Habits for Busy Moms
Teens, Self-Talk, and Confidence: Parenting Tips for Moms
00:24:16
Hey Warriors! In this episode of the Love Your Life Show, I’m diving into something so many of us struggle with: how to truly support the anxious people in our lives—whether it’s your teen, young adult, or even your partner. -
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Susie Pettit
Hello, and welcome to episode 343 of the Love youe Life Show. I am your host, Susie Pettit, certified life, relationship and parenting coach. Hi. This is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettitt, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, Warriors. Hi, Warriors. I am so excited to bring you this episode. I probably say that every episode, but I. It is the truth, actually. I put so much thought and time into these episodes for you. Your time is valuable, and if you're the type of person who listens to shows like this, you are unique. You are special. That's why I call you Warriors. You notice things that don't feel quite right in your life, and instead of settling or accepting it, you look for ways to improve and feel better. You don't settle for that status quo, that stable misery. Okay? Do you know that that makes you extraordinary? Truly, that's the definition of the word extraordinary. Okay. Ordinary people, the average people, there's nothing wrong yet they settle for ordinary things. They hear things like, there's a mental health crisis, and they're like, ah, well, that sucks. Okay, don't do anything about it. They maybe notice their kids keep repeating the same patterns over and over, and they're like, that's unfortunate. Or they keep having the same arguments over and over with their spouse or their kids, and they're like, this sucks. Okay, but they don't stop to do what you're doing. Google search a podcast. Find something to help. Okay, this is awesome. You guys get to work. You click on an episode of a show called the Love youe Life show, and there's a part of you that thinks that's possible, which it is. That hopeful, persistent warrior part that looks around and sees others settling into their lives of Good enough. And my listeners think, well, wait, maybe there's a different way. What if this isn't just how life is? Which is why I am so excited for all my episodes with you. You have the interest, I do the research, and boom, things change. Okay, this episode in particular, I'm super excited about. It's the end of the month of February. It's a time when society really focuses a lot on romantic relationships. And I did, too. Like, my first two episodes were all on that. And I want to keep this relationship focus rolling, especially keeping the momentum from last week's episode on the seven Losing Strategies in Relationship, which I spoke about. Like, those were initially developed as romantic, like, seven Losing Strategies in Romantic Relationships but in the episode, if you listened in, I also mentioned how it helps us. They're losing strategies in all our relationships. Romantic as a parent, with our parents, with our friends and all that. And anyhow, I want to keep the momentum rolling this week to really address how to support those people around us who we love and who might be nervous or anxious. Okay. And this goes for if they're our teen or our young adult or our spouse or our parent or our friend, how do we help that person, whether they're 12, 18, 28 or 48, in a way that actually strengthens the relationship, which is counter to our normal codependent tendencies that lead to relationship ruptures. Okay. And you know me, I like to keep things simple. And this can be simple if you think of it with the framework I'm going to talk about in this in this episode. I almost said this class because I really want to teach you this. This can make it so simple. By the end of this episode, you'll have actual ideas of things you can do and say that will support the anxious people around you. And also bonus here support you to not be up at three in the morning worrying about them. So to support you to not get anxious about their anxiousness. One of the most popular episodes of the Love youe Life show I've done is the one I did to help us adults with our own confidence and anxiety. We're I taught about the three voices in our head. The inner critic, the inner rebel and the inner coach. I'll put links for you to re listen to that in the show notes because I dive into it with detail and as I said it was a top downloaded episode. It's a great one to re listen to and if you missed it the first time, you don't want to miss it again. Okay? So what I mean by that is when you look at the show description on whatever platform you're listening to this on, like Apple or Spotify, if you scroll down a little, it'll say if you like this episode, try this one. I'll put it there. With regards to today's episode, my intent is to review what those three voices are and then to learn how to encourage the empowering voices in our teens heads in order to increase their confidence and resiliency and decrease their anxiety and over dependence on us. Okay, so yes, this is like their over dependence on us makes it so that we're seeing a lot. This is what we're seeing in in the world right now is a lot of more anxious kids, not launching moms, stepping in and over functioning kids under function. All right? And if you're not a mom, practice this with your friends and siblings, okay? We are raised in a codependent society. You will be doing some of these things, all right? And if just by listening in and learning about this, you'll be amazed at the closeness shifting these little parts I talk about today can create in relationships that matter to you. And since you matter to me, let's dive in. So, quick review. Of the three voices that live inside all of our heads, some are going to be noisier than others. So we have the inner critic. This voice is critical, mean and discouraging. It says things like, you're not good enough. Why even try? You'll just fail. You've tried this again. Okay, we have a lot of lots of familiarity with this inner critic. We also have an inner coach in us. It is the voice of confidence and a growth mindset. The inner coach is kind, supportive and encouraging. It says things like, I know this is tough, but you can do that. You can do it. Or it sounds like that felt disappointing for you. Tell me more. Okay. This voice allows us to have the emotional experience we're having without criticizing us, which is what the inner critic does, or talking us out of our dreams, which is what the inner rebel does. Okay, this inner coach, many of us, myself included, did not have in a very strong way myself. I'm not even sure if it was in my head initially. Okay, think of you like, just to make it personal, think of any goal you set for this past year or years past. Okay. Say you wanted to lose weight, which comes up often, and you thought one way to do that would be to not eat after dinner. So you're just like, you set your small, specific goal. You're like, I'm not gonna eat after dinner. And say the end of the month, you get on the scale and you've gained weight. Okay. I think we're all pretty clear on what our inner critic would say to us. Alright, well, what does the inner coach say? The inner coach says things like, wow, must be hard to see that number go up. What are you feeling? And she might say, that makes sense. You feel that way. Tell me more. The inner coach is supportive and loving. It allows us to have the feelings we're having and then motivates us to grow and move towards our goals, even when it feels uncomfortable. Okay, so we have the inner critic, the inner coach, and the one I briefly mentioned is the inner rebel. I heard another Parent coach call this the inner bad influence friend. Okay? You know, like that friend that maybe you had when you were younger that your kid has now that you're like, they're a bad influence on them, okay? This is the one we want to pay attention to in our head. The one that says things like, why bother? Let's just play video games instead, okay? Or that inner. Inner rebel. Or that. That bad influence friend that just sits around and complains about everything it doesn't do anything differently is like, oh, yeah, it's their fault. Or it's all fault. Okay? Like, think of the example above I gave about us adults and weight, okay? Our inner rebel or our bad influence friend might say, whatever. You know, losing weight at this age is hard. Screw it. Let's go get tacos or tequilas. It's a sneaky one because it doesn't sound as harsh as the inner critic. But the bottom line is it doesn't move us towards the life we want to be living, okay? It leads us usually to sitting on the couch, not taking action towards our goals, and feeling like crud about ourselves. So we want to be on the lookout for the inner rebel. I shared about this in that original podcast thing, and the main difference that between the inner rebel and the inner coach is that the actions we take after listening to that voice either move us towards our goal or away from them, okay? So this is very important. So let's move on to see how this might show up and what we can do as parents to support our inner. Our teens, inner coaches. That's the voice we want loudest in our head warriors, okay? The inner critic and the inner rebel do not move us towards our goals, and they will not move our team towards their goals or our husband or our whomever, okay? So we don't want to sneakily be adding to their inner critic or their inner rebel. We make a mistake as parents thinking that, like, we need to point things out as if, like, you know, they. They don't feel disappointed themselves or that they aren't trying their theirselves. Like, it's. It's more of, like, oh, you know, they're. They just don't understand how important this is, and that is not the truth. Okay? Like, who's working hardest in a classroom is usually the most underperforming kid. All right? They might be sitting there with their hoodie up and their head on their desk, but who, like, who is feeling such angst about their. Their state is that kid. It is not an issue of will. It's an issue of skill. Which is why we want to make sure that we are increasing the inner coach. Okay, so say your kid comes home with a D on a chemistry lab, okay? Their inner critic is going to say things like, you're so dumb, you suck at studying, everyone in the class thinks you're an idiot now. And other mean things like that. All right, what do you think the inner rebel might say? The inner rebel might say things like, screw chemistry. Who needs that anyhow? Or, yeah, that teacher just makes tests so unfair, there's nothing you could have done differently. Let's go play some video games. Or then a rebel, that poor influence friend might say, yeah, let's complain about the teacher or the test or the losers that got A's. Like, we might get together and just, you know, just sit there and, like, sit. Stew in that negativity instead of looking at, like, the fact that we didn't start studying until the night before and had nothing to do with it. Okay? The inner bad influence friend might say, like, yeah, that finance is too hard, like, let's go to Starbucks. Whereas the inner coach, a voice many teens and us adults have not strengthened very much, might say something like, oh, wow, that's hard. You wanted to do better than that. I'm sorry. They might even add, what do you think was going on? Alright, think back to that example I gave of, you know, the adult who's trying to lose weight and hit a roadblock. Okay? And pause and think. Or let's take the lose weight. What was your January goal that maybe you hit a roadblock on? Okay, what was one thing you wanted at this new year that you're like, I want to try this. Okay, which voice did you listen to? You hit a roadblock. Something happens. Okay, who did you listen to? The inner critic, the inner rebel or the inner coach? I can tell you right now, since it's the end of February, you can find out which one you listen to by looking at what you're doing with regards to that goal. If you're still at it, you're still trying to do the things that you want to do, but you're in. You're doing it in a sort of you suck type of way, okay? That inner critic is winning. Like, yeah, well, you better keep doing this because you're so bad, okay? If you're like, wait, what goal? That sneaky inner rebel has won. She's talked you out of your dreams and your goals, came up with enough excuses that you eventually believed to stay in that stuck place. Or if you're still at it, still doing the action, taking the daily steps. But not from that inner critic. You better or else energy. But rather from a like, yeah, this is what's best for future me. Okay, then you've been listening to the inner coach. Like that weight example. If you're still. If you're just like, yeah, I'm not eating after dinner because that's what's best for my body and my sleep. And it's not dropping the weight, but I know that that's what makes me feel good. I've also added in walking for 10 minutes after lunch. Like this supportive, loving, kind voice. Very different than the voice that's like, yeah, I don't eat after dinner because I suck and I'm lame. No. Do you see the difference? Okay, you get the point. So taking this framework of our three inner voices shifting and looking at the massive influence we have over other people in our lives, okay? I always say we can't change other humans. We try so hard though, don't we? But we can't yet the words we say or don't say massively influence those humans around us. And that's where our leverage is. That's what I want us to look at this week. Okay? In this episode, I'm going to talk about two things. And this month in the Love youe Life School, that's what we're digging into. This whole how we influence and how we can the things that we can do so that there is faster change and we can build, be better able to support the people in our lives, okay? We'll be better able to do that when we get the support the Love youe Life School offers. Okay? So these two things, first, what we say to them and second, how we model for them. So first, let's look, look how to strengthen our teens inner coach by what we say instead of accidentally reinforcing their inner critic or rebel. Okay? Because the truth is most parents, myself included, want to correct our teen when they mess up. Okay? Take that chem lab example where they tell us they got a D. We might say something like, yeah, I was wondering why you didn't start studying until last night. Or oh, yeah, well, maybe next time you should study with that TV on. Okay? Do you see how even though we're thinking we're offering help, albeit passive aggressive help, little coach here, we think we're offering help saying these things. This adds fuel to your teen's inner critic. Let's talk about what we might say that increases the inner rebel or that bad influence friend so they get in the car after school with that D, and we say things like, oh, yeah, well, you know that teacher, God, you want stop at Starbucks on the way home? Or you say, yeah, science is hard. I didn't do well in it either. You know, want me to make tacos for dinner? Like, what? Like, do you see how that inner rebel is sneaky as parents who weren't raised with emotional intelligence? Because we weren't. If you're over the age of 40, your parents did not raise you with emotional intelligence. Unless there's some amazing unicorns. I mean, they didn't even know about emotional intelligence. But we were weren't raised with emotional intelligence. So we try to soothe their nerves and talk them out of their feelings. Yet this is not the path to raising confident and resilient adults. The problem with the in rebel is it's brushing past the feeling, talking them out of the feeling, if you will. Whereas we actually want them to feel the feeling. We want them to feel uncomfortable. They got a D. That's not what they wanted. Feeling disappointment is a great feeling to feel in that circumstance. I actually don't want my kid to be like, yahoo, I set a goal. Or like, I, you know, grades are important to me. I got a D and like, yippee, let me go. You know, play some video games. No, we want them to feel disappointment. Okay? The inner rebel tries to talk them out of of that feeling or to distract them from that feeling. So notice where you're doing that in your parenting, because unfortunately, this leads them to then not feel the discomfort that they need to feel to learn from their experience. All right? Which is where we can come in and reinforce the inner coach, allowing them to have the feelings they're having. We can say things like, oh, wow, I'm sorry, and close our mouths sometimes. That's enough. Some of the best parenting advice I can give you is, say less. If you don't want a mess, say less. Just let them sit in that discomfort. Knowing that you are here and supporting them. You're letting them have their human experience. They grow through what they go through, but we have to let them go through it. Okay? Sometimes saying, oh, wow, I'm sorry, depending on the teen can feel dismissive to a teen. Okay. And I just want to beware that when I say to you, say less. I don't mean to say, oh, wow, I'm sorry, and you go back to making dinner or looking at your phone. No, you say, oh, wow, I'm sorry, and you sit with them. That uncomfortable emotion okay, great time. When you're driving, just have the radio up. You just sit. Okay. Or you're sitting, you know, they're eating their snack and you're just sitting with them. One of the most calming ways for us to process an emotion is in co regulation with another safe human. Okay. Human. Who feels safe to our nervous systems. Like, if you think of this as an adult, co regulation means you're. You're with someone and you're sort of regulating with them, okay? So if your kid comes home and says that and you go unregulated and you're like, oh my God, oh my God, like, what are we going to do? This is awful. You're never going to get into college. We are not regulated. They can't co regulate with us. It's not safe for them to have the emotional experience they're having. Okay? Or if we come home and we're just doing. You get it? And what we want to do is allow our kids and our adults and our sisters and our siblings and our parents and everyone to be able to process the emotion they're feeling. Most of our listeners didn't get this in our family of origin. And this just means someone else to sit near us while we feel the emotion we're having. Okay, I didn't have this as a kid. We can give it to our kids and other people now. This looks like us not talking them out of the emotion. We don't criticize them for having the emotion. We don't minimize the emotion. We just sit there, hold space, maybe say, tell me more. One of the most important things to remember as you're trying to channel this inner coach for your team is that the less words you say, the more effective will be. We don't want to work harder solving the problems in their life than they are. This leads to under functioning and codependency. Our job is to say and do things that reinforce their inner coach. We step back so they can step up. I'm actually going to end this episode here. I know I said I'd get into two things, but I'll save the second thing for Inside the Love youe Life School. Because I just like, I don't want to overwhelm you. This is enough to think about and to start taking action on, to remind yourself of those three inner voices and to start thinking about how what you're saying and doing reinforces one of those inner voices in our kids heads or our spouse's heads or our parents heads or our friends heads. And if it is in our kids heads before you go beating yourself up and letting your inner critic pop up. Or maybe you're inner rebel saying like your inner critic is like, yeah, you screwed up as a parent or you're bad, you suck or inner rebel like it's too late, you messed up too bad. Forget it. No sweetheart. Join the Love youe Life School. We're working on all of this this month. This stuff is so real and yet a podcast episode like this just touches the surface. The real way to make faster lasting change is to get coaching by a qualified coach like me. And I designed the Love youe Life School fit into your full schedule. Okay. Plus I've thrown in a bonus if you sign up for the month of March that I'm offering a free parenting consult to you. This means that you get me and my background with helping people with adhd. I have a Master's of education. I help people with anxiety with confidence coaching. Okay. I get to help you with your specific situations. So much can change in one session. When we take what we've learned in the podcast and apply it to real life. I would love to support you. So hop in the loveyourlifeschool.com for this month to change your life without upending your life. Parenting is hard. Kids don't do well when parents are over controlling or under involved. Over controlling looks like that inner critic. Under involved can look like that inner rebel. It's the parents who have expectations and are responsive that we get those kids who are launching and feeling less anxiety and more confidence. When a kid can think my parent cares about me and cares about doing it right, they show up as their best selves. I just, you know, it goes to note sometimes again I simplify things down and sometimes it's helpful to simplify and look at. The reason why kids listen to us is for one of two reasons. They listen to us either because they feel close and connected to us, okay, and it feels lovely to them, or they listen to us because they fear us and feel judged by us. Doing the things I speak of today and teach on in the Love youe Life School changes family dynamics forever More. Please don't wait another month or year. Join now. It's my favorite place on earth and I'd love to have you here there. I'll tell you, one of the best side effects of working with me because I am your biggest supporter and external coach is your inner coach gets stronger. The number one feedback I get is after individual one on one coaching sessions with me or group coaching is that I help people feel better. Like, come on. That's what this is all about. Let's do this thing. I do support you. I am cheering you on. And if no one has told you yet, today, you are frigging awesome. And I love you. Let's go get them, Warrior.