The Feedback Wheel: How to Have Hard Conversations Without Drama [RELATIONSHIP SERIES]

Summary

Love Your Life Show with Susie Pettit
Episode: The Feedback Wheel: How to Have Hard Conversations Without Drama [RELATIONSHIP SERIES]
Date: April 2, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Susie Pettit delves into a practical tool for effective communication in relationships: the "Feedback Wheel." Aimed at helping listeners—especially busy moms—navigate tough conversations without spiraling into drama, the episode offers a step-by-step framework for bringing up challenging topics while staying calm, clear, and connected. Susie emphasizes that healthy communication is a skill we were rarely taught but is essential for a life we love, tying it to both emotional and physical wellness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Impact of Relationships on Wellness

• Susie opens by reaffirming that our relationships—romantic, familial, professional, and with ourselves—are deeply connected to our sense of well-being.
• She shares personal anecdotes about experiencing physical symptoms during stressful periods, underlining the body-mind link:
  • “I can remember when I was going through my divorce, I'd have the strangest physical things going on… And I still had this disbelief where I was not connecting my physical experience to what was going on inside for me mentally and emotionally.” [01:00]

Why Communication is Hard—and Why It's not Taught

• Susie laments that essential life skills like managing hard conversations are rarely taught. Instead, we learn formulas for trapezoids but not the tools to resolve emotional tension:
  • “It just kills me when I think back to things that I was taught, like the formula for a trapezoid…When is the last time I had to find the area for a trapezoid?” [02:20]

The Communication Traps We Fall Into

• Explains how many people avoid conflict, over-explain, or become defensive because of past trauma or lack of communication modeling.
  • “Many of us wonderful listeners, myself included, have had significant trauma in our past relationships where it wasn't safe for us to express ourselves.” [05:01]

The Power & Purpose of the Feedback Wheel

• The Feedback Wheel is introduced as a four-part adult communication framework that transforms tough conversations:
  • Helps avoid blame, defensiveness, and cyclical arguments.
  • Gives confidence and calms the nervous system when initiating difficult conversations.
• The tool is applicable to all relationships: with a partner, teen, parent, coworker, or adult child.

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Preparing for the Conversation

1. Check Your Adult Brain

• Before starting, ensure you’re operating from your "wise adult self" (curious, flexible, non-defensive), not your “child brain” (reactive, focused on winning or being right).
  • “If your focus is on, like, winning or proving the other person wrong…that’s not a foundation for a connected conversation.” [08:14]

2. Seek Consent to Talk

• Always ask if it’s a good time for the other person. Don’t assume urgency is shared—especially true for those experiencing codependency or ADD.
  • Suggested language:
    • “Hey, I'd like to talk over some things about the housework. Is this a good time to talk?” [10:58]
  • “This small step is a building block to prevent defensiveness and resistance. Right? Right away.” [11:20]

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The Four Steps of the Feedback Wheel

1. Just the Facts (“Movie Camera” Step)

• State observable facts neutrally—no blame, assumptions, or loaded language.
  • “If a camera was in the room with you two, what would it have seen or recorded?” [11:37]
• Examples:
  • “I noticed the dishes were still in the sink when I came home last night.” [12:07]
  • “When I picked Joey up from school, he said his lunchbox didn’t have any food in it.”

2. Your Interpretation (“The Story I’m Telling Myself”)

• Share the meaning you assigned to their actions. Own your interpretation and avoid stating it as fact.
  • “This is where we own our interpretation of what happened. The facts of what happened. Instead of assuming someone’s intention, we share what we made up about it in our head.” [12:55]
• Examples:
  • “The story I told myself is that you don’t care about helping out and that I’m the only one responsible for keeping things running in this house.” [13:08]
  • “The story I tell myself is…that I can’t trust you to follow through on parenting things you said you’d take care of.”

3. Share How You Feel (Emotional Honesty)

• State your feeling clearly in one or two words—feelings are adjectives, not explanations or judgments.
  • “Longtime listeners know feelings are one or two words…Feelings are adjectives. Okay, I’ll put a feeling wheel in the show notes.” [15:54]
• Examples:
  • “I feel overwhelmed.” [15:54]
  • “I feel concerned.” [16:08]
  • “I feel frustrated.”

4. Make a Request (Actionable Ask)

• Express your specific, actionable request—don’t leave the other person guessing.
  • “This step is called make request. Say what you need instead of just telling what they did wrong.” [16:42]
• Examples:
  • “It would mean a lot to me if you could make sure the dishes are done before I get home.” [18:03]
  • “It would mean a lot to me if you could leave a note down by the cell charging station explaining why your phone isn’t there that night.”
  • “It would feel so good if you could take care of the kids lunches from start to finish without me having to ask or check.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Health and Relationships:
  “Our relationships affect us. They show studies how it affects us at a cellular level. All right? So while it might be easier to think that we're going to supplement or pop a pill than have the conversation…that’s not the long-term solution.” [02:00]

• On Avoidance:
  “Maybe we avoid conversations because we don’t want to rock the boat. You know what? We're keeping the tension. We're not keeping the peace.” [04:33]

• On Personal Growth:
  “Learning about our feelings is one of the most adult things we can do.” [14:20]

• On Making Requests:
  “Adults problem solve. Adults come together as a team to figure it out…We get to self-confront and self-investigate. What do we want?” [17:45]

• On Practice:
  “Yes. This will feel awkward. It’s a new skill. And yet the way we’ve been doing things is modeled on uneducated, outdated behavior.” [19:54]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:00] – Susie’s personal experience with how relationships impact physical health.
• [02:50] – Why we were never taught these skills and why they matter more than academic formulas.
• [05:01] – Common communication pitfalls from trauma or upbringing.
• [07:59] – The importance of being in your adult brain.
• [10:15] – How and why to get consent before a difficult conversation (with real-life examples).
• [11:37] – Introduction to the Feedback Wheel and Step 1.
• [12:55] – Step 2: Sharing interpretation (“the story in my head”).
• [15:37] – Step 3: Identifying and communicating your feeling.
• [16:42] – Step 4: Making a clear, actionable request.
• [18:18-20:48] – Encouragement to practice the skill, seek coaching, and reminders that this is a process.

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Tone and Final Thoughts

Susie’s tone is warm, practical, and encouraging, recognizing listeners’ struggles while offering tools and hope. She gently challenges outdated habits while affirming the value and possibility of change. She concludes by urging listeners to take action, seek support if needed, and remember: "Delaying or avoiding these conversations does not keep the peace. It keeps the tension. And you matter to me." [20:55]

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Summary Table – The Feedback Wheel

| Step | What to Do | Example | |---------------------------|--------------------------------------------------|--------------------------------------------------------------| | 1. Just the Facts | Describe observable behavior neutrally | “I noticed the dishes were in the sink when I got home.” | | 2. Your Interpretation | Share your perception or assumption | “The story I’m telling myself is you don’t care about helping.”| | 3. Your Feeling | State your feeling in 1-2 words | “I feel overwhelmed.” | | 4. Make a Request | Ask for what you need clearly | “Could you please do the dishes before I get home?” |

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For Further Support

• Susie will post the feedback wheel graphic and resources in the show notes.
• She encourages listeners to practice, bring experiences to coaching, and suggests future episodes may cover listening skills for when you’re on the other side of the feedback wheel.

Call to Action: Practice the four steps, share your experience, and remember: the goal is connection, not perfection.

Transcript

[Interviewer]

Foreign.

[Podcast Host Intro/Outro]

Hi, this is the Love youe Life show with Susie Pettit, certified life and wellness coach. Join Susie as she helps you with your wellness and mindset so you can live a life you love. Let's go, warriors.

[Susie Pettit]

Hello and welcome, warriors. Welcome back to the Love youe Life show. I am so excited you're here. How are you doing these days? It is a new month. Does it feel fresh to you or are you feeling a bit flat? No matter what you're feeling, do you know what I'm pretty sure of? It's that your relationships are affecting how you're feeling. Relationships, the one we have with ourselves and the ones we have with other people. Relationship is one of the five pillars of wellness. Because whether we like it or not, the people we're around and how we think about the people we're around impact not only our mental health, but also our physical health. And even though you've probably heard that before, maybe you're like me and you still find that to be a bit surprising. Like, I can still be like, are you sure? I can remember when I was going through my divorce, I'd have the strangest physical things going on. Like, things relatively minor, like my fingers would be swollen or major, like I was having seizures. And I still had this disbelief where I was not connecting my physical experience to what was going on inside for me mentally and emotionally. I'd go to medical doctors being like, hey, what's going on? Like, isn't there some supplement I can take? You know, it can't be because I'm avoiding that uncomfortable conversation with, you know, my husband or with my mom. Like, that can't be why my neck is stiff, right? Okay, so all the peace and love to us because this is how we're trained and get the biggest permission slip. Our medical system is set up this way that if there's a physical pain, there must be a physical cause.

[Interviewer]

All right?

[Susie Pettit]

And yet that's not the case. Our relationships affect us. They show studies how it affects us at a cellular level. All right? So while it might be easier to think that we're going to supplement or pop a pill than have the conversation with whomever it is that we're having this conversation with. Okay, I get it. And that's not the long term solution. And that's why I come on this show every week. There are so many things we were not taught in school that, once learned, make our life so much easier. It just kills me when I think back to, like, things that I was taught, like the formula for A trapezoid or like the things I learned, like, when have I had to use those things? When is the last time I had to find the area for a trapezoid?

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

Or a parallelogram. And yet when is the last time that I've needed to have a conversation? All the time.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

And these are the things we weren't taught in school, but that once we learn them, our lives become so much easier. That's why I'm so excited. You're listening in to today's topic, which is on something called the feedback wheel. This is a super simple four part framework that once we have it in the background of our brain, it makes having those scary conversations feel less scary. It helps them go better.

[Interviewer]

All right.

[Susie Pettit]

It also helps conversations like that maybe we don't think are too scary, but maybe we're using one of our ineffective communication skills like indirect communication or passive aggressive communication.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

When we learn the feedback wheel, we learn how to speak more like an adult and ask for our adult needs to be met. So I'm super excited to teach it to you today because it helps me and the students in the Love youe Life school sort of move into these conversations without that blame defensiveness or those never ending going like back and forth arguments. All right, so whether it's a conversation you want to have with your husband or your teen or your mother or your co worker or your adult child, learning this is going to help. So let's get into it first. Already sort of touched on it, but in case you're on the fence, let me spend a hot second on why learning this can help you. So many of us fall into communication traps. Maybe we hold things in until they explode. They build up. Maybe we avoid conversations because we don't want to rock the boat.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

We want to keep the peace. You know what? We're keeping the tension. We're not keeping the peace. Maybe we try to talk, but we end up over talking, over defensive. Or maybe we try to talk and we end up feeling misunderstood or shut down. Many of us wonderful listeners, myself included, have had significant trauma in our past relationships where it wasn't safe for us to express ourselves.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

Whether that's in childhood or in our earlier adult relationships, many of the ways we learn to communicate were unskilled. Like over explaining, getting defensive, over talking, or avoiding the conversation all together. Yet those were ways that we kept ourselves safe. So it makes sense that we would try them now because we haven't learned any differently until today. Warriors. So the feedback wheel helps us practice Adult communication skills in a safe way.

[Interviewer]

All right.

[Susie Pettit]

And one of the main reasons I love using the feedback wheel. I'll get you, I'll let you know. Is because it gives me confidence. Because I do have that background with trauma and insecurity of like, you know, where I'd bring something up and I'd get shut down or I'd be told I'm saying it the wrong way or so I would feel insecure and like, oh, is this okay? Is that all right? So I might feel nervous about bringing the thing up, but knowing that this four step thing is an adult way of conversing helps me calm my nervous system down.

[Interviewer]

All right.

[Susie Pettit]

It might feel a little awkward at first. In the same way, learning any new skill feels awkward.

[Interviewer]

All right.

[Susie Pettit]

Yet come along on the journey with me because that's how we learn new things.

[Interviewer]

All right.

[Susie Pettit]

Using this wheel helps me feel more confident that how I'm going about this conversation is okay. And so I let go of the other person's perception reception and it feels so much more adult, like calm. Good. And the research is there to back us up, warriors that having a conversation in this way provides us with a safe way to express ourselves while also allowing the other person to stay open and receptive. That's why like people have, people like me have studied this sort of stuff and they learn that when you go about it in this way, it is more likely to go well and lead to a place of connection versus disconnection. And that's what it's all about. We're doing this in relationships where we're, we're wanting to stay with these people in relationship with. So it's all about approaching these conversations from a place of love and respect.

[Interviewer]

All right?

[Susie Pettit]

Which is not the case when we are in those other relationships that we need to get out of or we need to put up big boundaries with. Schedule session with me for those types of things. But this is, these are the people that are, that are safe for us and we're trying to grow and nurture that relationship. Alright, so this is awesome. Now before we get into what we actually do when we're in this feedback wheel, I want to speak of something we need to do before we approach the other person. Two things. First, we need to make sure we are in our adult brain. We are acting from our wise adult self.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

And second, we need to make sure that we have consent for the conversation. So first, our adult brain is that part of us that's flexible, non reactionary, curious, non defensive.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

It's when we're using that prefrontal cortex, our frontal lobe, when we are in our child brain, we are emotional reactive and aggressive on a good day. Okay. And if we go into a conversation feeling childlike, you'll know you're going into a conversation feeling childlike. If your focus is on, like, winning or proving the other person wrong.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

That's not a foundation for a connected conversation. Go back and listen to the 7 losing strategies podcast I put together, put out in February.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

We tend to do that. I did those, too. Like, the need to be right or the need to control how my partner sees things, or the need to win in a conversation. Those might have been tactics we've used in the past to stay safe in relationships. But for these conversations that we're talking about today, we don't want to be in that childlike energy. It's not about winning or losing. It's about learning. It's about coming together. It's about getting stronger as a pair. It's not me versus you or you versus them. It is us as a team. And so some things I do to get myself calm, to get myself in my adult brain before having this conversation is I journal out these four pieces, this feedback wheel.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

I journal it out. Sometimes I go for a walk. My main thing I'm focusing on is, like, how I've contributed to the situation at hand and what my intent wants to be.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

My child brain wants to point out all the ways that I've. It's been so unfair for me. Or, like, I've been the victim or they're the villain.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

An adult brain can see our responsibility and wants to have a conversation to connect, have a stronger relationship, not to have a conversation. So we're like, aha. I got him. I won. Okay, so now do that work. Come to the Love youe Life school because we have specific questions and techniques that I can help you with at that pre conversation for you.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

And again, the second part of this, before starting Get Consent, Ask the other person. Is now a good time to talk? If it's not, that's okay. It's better to know ahead of time.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

People are all coming in. They're going through their life in their own head in all different ways. We might think, okay, that they're just as eager as we are to have a conversation about this and that they can't stop thinking about it either. Especially if we're codependent or if we have add. It feels, like, super urgent to have this conversation now, so doesn't everyone else feel that same urgency? Usually not. So ask first. Here are some examples of how you can ask.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

You can say, hey, teen, Fill in the name of your teen. I'd like to have a conversation about homework. Is now a good time to talk? Or, hey, daughter, I'd like to talk to you about allowance. Is this a good time? Or hey, husband, say, you want to talk to your husband about feeling unsupported with the housework. You might say, hey, I'd like to talk over some things about the housework. Is this a good time to talk? This small step is a building block to prevent defensiveness and resistance. Right? Right away.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

It gets them. So they're more like, yes, you know, oh, actually, this is a good time. Or no, it's not.

[Interviewer]

Right?

[Susie Pettit]

And now onto the feedback wheel. The first step of the feedback wheel is what I call just the facts. Some of my students like calling this the movie camera step. Okay, what we're talking about is, if a camera was in the room with you two, what would it have seen or recorded? We want to keep it simple and neutral. No blaming or assumptions. Just what happened.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

So an example is instead of saying, you never help around the house, we say, I noticed the dishes were still in the sink when I came home last night. Just the facts, right? Or we say, when I picked Joey up from school, he said his lunchbox didn't have any food in it. Instead of saying something like, you never follow through with what I asked you, I asked you to take care of the kids, etc.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

Or, hey, son, when I came down this morning, I noticed your cell phone wasn't in the charging area. So step one is a movie camera. Step two is where we share our interpretation of what happened. Brown calls this the story I'm telling myself.

[Interviewer]

Right?

[Susie Pettit]

So this is where we own our interpretation of what happened. The facts of what happened. Instead of assuming someone's intention, we share what we made up about it in our head.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

And so let's add. Let's keep going with those. Those last three examples I gave you. So the dishes. Okay, we might continue by saying like this. Like, I noticed when I came downstairs, the dishes were still in the sink. Or when I came home, the dishes were still in the sink. And the story I told myself is that you don't care about helping out and that I'm the only one responsible for keeping things running in this house.

[Interviewer]

Okay?

[Susie Pettit]

It keeps it personal on you. It's an insight into your thoughts. Or say with the cell phone, you know, I noticed your cell phone wasn't in the charging station. The story I'm telling myself is that you don't listen to house rules or what's coming up for me is I'm thinking you're not taking good care of your wellness and sleep hygiene. Or the empty lunchbox. Joey said there was nothing in his lunch when he opened it. And the story I tell myself is, is that I can't trust you to follow through on parenting things you said you'd take care of. Okay, do you see how step two is short one to two sentences max? There's an interesting fact that people can. Most people can only listen for a total of six to eight sentences. Okay? So what a lot of us are doing is we're like. We're speaking way more than six or eight sentences, right? Like, it's like 60 sentences. So step one, report the facts. Step two, what your brain made the facts mean. Step three, share how you feel. Name your feeling. Longtime listeners of the show know feelings are one or two words. Feelings are not. I feel like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Feelings are adjectives. Okay, I'll put a feeling wheel in the show notes. I'll also put a link to the podcast Roadmap if you're new to the show, so you can listen to the foundational episodes. Teaching about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence tells us about our emotions. Emotions or feelings. What the heck, Susie? What are you talking about? They're one word. Okay, go to smbwell.com roadmap all one word. Because learning about our feelings is one of the most adult things we can do. To know the difference. First of all, to know the difference between the facts, like what the movie camera is recording and our thoughts about what the movie camera of what we're making the movie cameras recording mean. And then what are our feelings? That is massive. That's emotional intelligence. So let's look at step three using the above example.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

What would this look like with the feedback wheel? So the dishes instead of I feel like you don't listen to me or all I do is nag. You might say, I feel overwhelmed or I feel taken advantage of. I feel unappreciated.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

With the cell phone. Step one, you know, I notice it wasn't there. Step two, I'm, you know, making it mean that you're not taking good care of your sleep hygiene. Step three, you're feeling. Say, I feel concerned.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

The empty lunchbox. I feel frustrated. Clear and direct. Clear is kind. Share your truth. Feelings are one word. Then the final Step. A lot of us leave this feedback wheel like a broken wheel. We skip this step. This is the crucial part of the wheel to lead us to growth versus doing the same thing over and over. If you're the type of person where you notice in your relationship, people, it's like they're just saying sorry, but nothing is changing. It's because you're missing this step.

[Interviewer]

All right?

[Susie Pettit]

This step is called make request. Say what you need instead of just telling what they did wrong. You know, your son and like, oh, yeah, you didn't leave your phone down there or your husband. And we're just sort of leaving them with, like, a little bucket of shame. We ask for what we want. It's a beautiful thing. Instead of complaining about what's going on or feeling resentful because, oh, my gosh, my husband forgot to pack the kid's neck again, we act like an adult. Adults problem solve. Adults come together as a team to figure it out. Adults aren't looking to blame someone. They're looking to solve the thing. Okay, so many of us are taught to say what went wrong and then leave it there, almost like for the other person to figure out what to do. And this is the fix. We're the adult. We get to self confront and self investigate. What do we want? Instead of. So this is a step where we clearly and without drama or build up. Okay, we ask for it. So back to the examples. We say, it would mean a lot to me if you could make sure the dishes are done before I get home. That's clear, actionable, and doable. Or it would mean a lot to me if you could leave a note down by the cell charging station explaining why your phone isn't there that night.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

Like, I broke up with my girlfriend. I just can't, Mom.

[Interviewer]

Okay.

[Susie Pettit]

Or you say, it would feel so good if you could take care of the kids lunches from start to finish without me having to ask or check.

[Interviewer]

Huh?

[Susie Pettit]

Do you feel the relief in all those? You're asking for what you want. You're also the person isn't left just feeling, like, bad and like, oh, I let mom down or I let wife down. It's like, no, here's the action step. This is the thing we can do as a team. All right, I think that's enough for today. I want you to practice these things and report back. As I said, I'll put a graphic for this feedback wheel in the show notes and on Instagram and you can find the links that I mentioned in the podcast. Write up Below. And let me know if you'd like a follow up episode on listening as these conversations are like. It's not like I just went through those four steps and yet we're not talking to a mirror. The other person is involved for sure. You can have this. Actually, that's a good idea. Have this practice conversation in front of a mirror so it feels, it doesn't feel as awkward. But then maybe you want an episode on how to listen or how to, you know, just be masterful at when they. They have something to say. The healthy listening skills. And for goodness sake, bring me your specific examples. To coaching practice. To coaching sessions. This is how we do it. We get out there, we practice this, and then we come to coaching to tell me how it went. And we use our two brains to help you keep moving forward. Coaching is all about getting you where you want to go. The future being better than the present. Let's do it. Yes. This will feel awkward. It's a new skill. And yet the way we've been doing things is modeled on uneducated, outdated behavior. So how do we get better at doing things? Practice and then watch out. It's the coolest thing because you practice, practice, practice. And then one day you're going to be like, oh, my goodness, Susie, that felt so easy. I did it the other day. I brought it up my husband. And then we went back and forth and like we just had this and now we have the solution. And it feels so good. We feel so connected. It doesn't mean we agree with everything, but we're moving through it as adults. Listening to this podcast is one thing, putting it into action is the other. And when we put it into action, that's how we get into loving our life. And that's what I want for you. All right, so let's go, warriors. Let me know how this works for you. If you love this episode, leave a review, share it with one other person and get out there and do the work. I think you are awesome and you deserve to have these conversations. Delaying or avoiding these conversations does not keep the peace. It keeps the tension. And you matter to me. Let's go.

[Podcast Host Intro/Outro]

Thank you for listening to the Love youe Life show. If you want to hear more from Susie and support the show, be sure to subscribe to this podcast on itunes. Also, leave a review and share this podcast with friends and family. Go get em, warriors.