Transcript
Jon Favreau (0:01)
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Ben Platt (0:39)
Yeah, clothes.
Jon Favreau (0:40)
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Safeway/Albertsons Advertiser (0:59)
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John Lovett (1:40)
What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love it or Leave It Live at Dynasty Typewriter. We have got a great show for you tonight. Ben Platt is here. Jimmy Tatro is here. Together we'll sort through April's biggest fools. We'll also ask, what's the deal with Pesach? And of course, we'll wrap up our show with some regret to go with our exodus in second thoughts. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Our cup runneth over with news. Enough to fill two big cups, you might say. That's right. On Tuesday, the Daily Mail published a report on Kristi Noem's husband, Brian Noemi, revealing the former first husband of South Dakota has been leading a secret double life. A double D life. I'm Sorry. This is serious. Wait, it's not. According to the mail, Noem reportedly paid at least three online sex workers in fetish forums over $25,000 to live out his bimbo dreams wearing a feminine outfit and fantasizing about having, quote, huge, huge, ridiculous boobs. Meanwhile, his wife Christy, was also working with a pair of ridiculous boobs named Donald Trump and J.D. vance. The guard. Seize them. The report also had photos of Brian Noem wearing pink short shorts and a fake breastplate, said Brian Noem in a prepared statement. My eyes are up here. Noam reportedly used the alias Jason Jackson. But one sex worker said she butt dialed his number and heard the voicemail message Gnome Insurance. Leave a message. Press 1 if you're calling about a claim. Press 2 if you're calling about my giant mommy milkers. Per the mail, Brian Noem talked to at least one sex worker about his wife's long rumored affair with her top aide, Corey Lewandowski. Well, yeah. Who else are you gonna talk to? A therapist? That would be gay, Said the woman. I asked him about it, and his response was, I know there's nothing I can do about it. To Brian's credit, that's as stoic and dignified a response to the situation as any man with big fake yabos could have. Big, beautiful, magnificent yabos. Intelligence experts noted that Brian's behavior may have exposed Christie to the threat of blackmail. This could have been exploited by the FSB Mossad, or worse, the notorious agents of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. After the news broke, the New York Times published a piece titled, In South Dakota, neighbors feel sorry for Christy Noem's husband. Yeah, they feel sorry. Sorry for his lower back. I went, oh, should we go straight to Iran? We bear. This is a joy. Could you believe. Yeah, we're gonna sink into it. We're gonna spend some time here. Do you know the alternative news of the week? Have you been paying attention? Yeah, we're gonna do a lot of jokes about the former head of Homeland Security's husband doing funny little videos with giant yabos. Honestly, the people in Noem's hometown were actually pretty sweet about it. One resident told the Times. Such a nice man. It just tears me up. But he's fine. He's getting laughed at a little bit. He hasn't been sent to a Salvadoran megaprison. And now that Christie's been fired, he never will be. When asked for an interview, Brian Noem told the New York Times, I will at some point, but today is not the day. I appreciate your heart. Classic Brian kicking the cans down the road. On Wednesday, a spokesperson for Kristi Noem told the New York Post, Ms. Noem is devastated. The family was blindsided by this and they asked for privacy and prayers. At this time, Noem was reportedly so upset she could barely finish her Corey Lewandowski. Personally, this all makes sense to me. Christine Ohm's whole thing is denying reality. This is just another reality to deny. While Kristi Noem was filming a $220 million ad campaign and claiming to go after the worst of the worst, ICE was terrorizing immigrants and citizens alike, hauling families to deportation facilities and describing innocent victims of state violence as domestic terrorists without ever apologizing. As governor, she called for a drag ban on college campuses and signed a law to prevent doctors from prescribing gender affirming care to but turns out the queerness was calling from inside the House. And this is just one example of Republicans being confronted by reality this week. Trump addressed the nation on Wednesday night and as markets plummeted and gas prices rose, offered this we were a dead
