Stephanie Allen (4:14)

Yee haw.

John Lovett (4:15)

All right, I guess. Yeah. On Monday, Trump announced on True Social that he would be buying a new Tesla as a show of confidence and support for Elon Musk. Which is sweet and all, except being affiliated with Trump is the main problem. It's like a dog bringing you a bird after going number two on the carpet. One technicality we should all keep in mind. The official White House Tesla is just a Model S. It only becomes Douchebag one when the President is in it. It's not the name of the plane, it's not the name of the car, it's the designation, wrote the President. The radical left lunatics, as they often do, are trying to illegally and collusively boycott Tesla, one of the world's great automakers and Elon's baby, in order to attack and do harm to Elon and everything he stands for. Radical left lunatic here. And I would just like to point out that if it was Elon's baby, he wouldn't want anything to do with it. Also, also, choosing not to buy stuff is perfectly legal. I've never tried it personally, but it doesn't seem. It doesn't seem like something I enjoy, but I do know it is allowed. Then on Tuesday, Trump turned the White House into a full blown Tesla Dealership selecting a red sedan in an event that was live streamed on X. This is a different panel than I've had. Everything's computer. Everything's computer. It's perfect, can't be improved on. It's like watching someone slip on a banana peel and accidentally carve a horse from a slab of marble on his way down. Am I upset that Trump is a brazenly corrupt clown? No, I am upset because he's funnier than me. Also, everything is in fact computer and it's. It's becoming a huge problem. Our car salesman in chief also said that he will label any violence against Tesla property domestic terrorism. But I would simply call it car apartheid, something Elon is familiar with. Car partide a car tide. Anyway, excited to find out if doing terrorism now includes a tweet that says cybertrucks look like a car designed for the specific purpose of plowing into your ex wife's Pilates studio. Reporters snapped a photo of Trump's talking points. A Tesla sales pitch, complete with pricing. This is unbelievable. This is like when JFK stood before that McDonald's and intoned ich bin, I'm lovin it. Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what I can do to put you in a brand new Chevy Lakewood. Mr. Gorbachev, try this froyo. We are the customers we've been waiting for. But of course, every quid needs a pro quo. Elon Musk has reportedly made clear to Trump advisors that he plans to dump 100 million doll into Trump's political operation. Looks like someone just bought himself another few months of we must cherish our high IQ patriots before the switch flips to the Rockets. They don't even work. A lot of people are saying the Rockets they blow up. Plus his kid will not stop picking his nose. Disgusting. Speaking of Elon, I am going to Wisconsin next weekend on March 22 and March 23 to make sure Elon Musk can't buy the Wisconsin Supreme Court race. A lot of people are gonna hopefully come out. Elon is dumping millions and millions of dollars to try to buy the Wisconsin Supreme Court race. Democracy is on the ballot and abortion is on the ballot is the difference between a common sense, reasonable judge who will uphold the laws of Wisconsin and one that will put back in place a abortion law from the 1800s. So go to votesaveamerica.com Wisconsin Sign up. Do what you can. If you're in Wisconsin or near Wisconsin, come volunteer with me next weekend. Knocking on a few doors, protecting abortion and democracy, foiling the plans of the richest dipshit in the world. What a treat. In other federal infomercials this week, health secretary and guy who tried to ask a genie to have the greatest voice in the world, but it was a Twilight Zone situation and the devil replaced his vocal cords with a cheese grater. Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Participated in a surreal interview with Sean Hannity at a Florida Steak n Shake on Monday, where he endorsed the fast food chain for switching to beef tallow to make its fries. It's a completely different experience and the customers are raving about it. Other companies, Steak n Shake has been great.

Ari Schwartz (8:44)

We're very grateful for them for rfking the french fries.

John Lovett (8:47)

They turned me into a verb, the perfect spokesperson, a man who sounds like he just ate a fry with a razor blade in it, said Kennedy. It's not roadkill, but it's a start. And as Trump is selling Teslas and RFK Jr. Is selling fries, the government is approaching a possible shutdown. By the time you listen to this, of course you'll know what happened. Democrats caved, but we're recording this probably hopefully not prove me wrong, Democrats, but we're recording this in the past where we don't know shit. It sucks here. You remember Bob, probably the only thing worse is the future where you live. On Tuesday, House Republicans passed a bill that would fund the government through September 30th. With more fiscally conservative GOP members putting aside their objections at Trump's behest, they'd throw their own mothers down a well at Trump's behest. So take that with a grain of salt. Democrats are reportedly divided about whether or not to pass the bill. If they vote it down, Trump might use the government shutdown to accelerate Doge's destruction. If they vote it through, they'll be funding an administration illegally picking and choosing which laws to follow and what money to spend. In other words, Democrats lose no matter what, which is something Democrats are very used to, said Senator Mark Kelly about the situation. I'm weighing the badness of each option. Every Democrat just trapped in their own private Applebee's, scanning the menu over and over again for the high protein harvest bowl they'll never find. Of course, there's only one way to distract people from your plans to get the government to pay for tax cuts as a reward for the wealthy backers who got you into office, thereby saving you from literal prison, pointing to the nearest trans person and saying yuck. On Wednesday, Trump told the press, everything's transgender. Everybody transgender. That's all you hear about now. That's why we won the election in record numbers. Hold on. Is everything computers or is everything transgender? Because transgender is kind of the opposite of computers. Computers love the binary. Yeah. Nice. If you consume conservative news. Yeah. It might seem like that's all you think about. According to Media Matters, in the months since Trump took office, Fox News has covered trans issues more than CNN and MSNBC combined. Which makes sense as it is a network of angrily shock short men and angrily tall women. Free yourself. Gender norms are your prison, too. This week, Representative Keith Self misgendered Congresswoman Sarah McBride in a House committee meeting, calling her Mr. McBride, which led to this confrontation with Congressman Bill Keating. I now recognize the representative from Delaware, Mr. McBride.

Tig Notaro (11:29)

Thank you, Madam Chair.

John Lovett (11:30)

Mr. Chairman, could you repeat your introduction again, please? Yes, it's a. It's a. We have set the standard on the floor of the house. Mr. Chairman, you are out of order. Mr. Chairman, have you no decency? I mean, I've come to know you a little bit, but this is not decent. We will continue this. You will not continue it with me unless you introduce a duly elected representative the right way. This hearing is a joint. Just to be clear, he'd rather not have the hearing than treat Sarah McBride with respect. What is ironic is both of these men instinctively respect that Sarah McBride is a woman, because they interrupted her and argued as if she wasn't even there. Even though her joke calling him Madam Chair was the best one. And I actually think that's progress. I want to say also, Keating caught some shrapnel on that joke. Keating did great there. He did catch a stray, but he did good. Good for him. Shantae, you stay. Speaking of Republican speech codes, on Saturday night, Mahmoud Khalil, a Palestinian activist who helped lead student demonstrations at Colombia, was arrested by ICE agents and now faces deportation despite being a Green Card holder. If you loved I'm Still Here, the Oscar winning Brazil about the forced disappearances under dictatorship, you're gonna love I'm Still Here Too, where we really liked that we had a whole list of sequels to I'm Still Here, and we chose where. I just want you to know that that thought went into it. All right. On Monday, the White House used Hebrew to taunt Khalil writing Shalom Mahmoud in an ex post that quoted Trump's true social post about the arrest, turning the Hebrew word for peace into a fascist taunt. I feel so seen in a doomed prisoner trying to run past the guard tower sort of way, deporting students and Green card holders for protests Trump doesn't like proved to be a step too far for even some of the right's most stalwart scumbags. With Ann Coulter writing on X, there's almost no one I don't want to deport, but unless they've committed a crime, isn't this a violation of the First Amendment? Spot on Ann Coulter, I said immediately before lowering myself into a vat of molten metal, Terminator 2 style. This seems to be as good a time as any to announce Coulter. I hardly know her. Anne's New show with Crooked Media welcome to the network, our new progressive queen, and Happy Women's History Month, everybody. While it was too far for Ann Coulter, it wasn't too far, disturbingly for the Anti Defamation League, which released a statement on Khalil's arrest that read, we appreciate the Trump administration's broad, bold set of efforts to counter campus antisemitism, and the action further illustrates that resolve by holding alleged perpetrators responsible for their actions. There are a few phrases that should always make you pause and reassess when you catch yourself typing them into a social media post. My lawyer told me not to say this next thing. Not to be a racist, but we appreciate the Trump administration. The arrests and deportations of student protesters are part of a broader attack on free speech. How broad? Not so broad that we can't do this show, but broad enough that in the process of writing the show, I have said the words let's not leave a paper trail. Last Friday, the Trump administration abruptly canceled $400 million in grants and contracts to Columbia University, saying that the school had failed to adequately combat anti Semitism on campus, withholding enormous quantities of money for important research in the name of the Jews. Why? This will stop anti Semitism right in its tracks. Trump has also continued to threaten law firms that have represented people or groups he considers political enemies. First, they came for the lawyers, and I did not speak out because lawyers were always telling me to stop insinuating that Lindsey Graham is gay. That swishing little swamp bottom in an Oval Office ceremony last week, Trump signed an executive order barring the federal government from hiring the international law firm Perkins Coie, which represented the Clinton campaign, and the DNC in 2016. The week before Trump signed an executive order punishing Covington and Burling, the firm that represented special counsel Jack Smith. The order could have a chilling effect, making law firms less willing to challenge the Trump administration in court. And then who's going to stand up for this country? Non lawyers who crushed the LSAT and would have been topping their class at a law school if their other career hadn't worked out. Like I say in that fantasy I had in high school where I'm at a Dave Matthews Band concert and then Dave Matthews is like, our drummer is sick. Can anybody help? I'll do it. Meanwhile, is that a sad one? Is it sad because it's Dave Matthews Band? Is it sad because I didn't actually get invited to the Dave Matthews Band concert? The other kids planned it around me in physics class. What? Just a little window for you. Just a little crack. Speaking of our ongoing slide into superstition and darkness, the CDC will reportedly arrange a large study to investigate whether there's a link between vaccines and autism, despite the many large studies that have already proven there isn't. This is like OJ Trying to find the real killer. We already know what causes autism. Trains being so cool. I just want to shout out Claudia for that one. And in response to the measles outbreak in Texas and beyond, RFK Jr. Claimed that it's very, very difficult for measles to kill a healthy person, which is not the case. Healthy babies and children routinely died of measles before the vaccine became available. The health secretary also claimed that natural immunity after a measles infection can protecting against other diseases, which is also not true. In reality, a measles infection might make the body more vulnerable to other infections. Anyway, that's where we're at. Fact checking the health secretary on getting measles is good for you. All right, enough of all this. It's time for animal news.

Tig Notaro (17:53)

Meow.

John Lovett (17:55)

Yeah, for sure. A body scanner alerted the TSA to a live turtle hidden in a man's pants at Newark Liberty International Airport. That's just my grotesquely deformed penis, said the man. Oh, you mean in the back? Yes, that's a live turtle. Forget what I just said. Take me to jail or whatever the punishment is for this. Tennessee's Nashville Zoo welcomed a rare clouded leopard cub, which, according to the ap, is currently about the size of a small baguette, the size of a small baguette and just as delicious when slathered in warm butter. Also this week, a Memphis man claims he was shot in the thigh when his dog, a pit bull puppy named Oreo, jumped up next to him on the bed and accidentally hit the trigger of his gun. Can't wait to share this with the woman at the dog park who's always trying to convince me that pit bulls aren't dangerous. I also don't buy this story. According to NBC News, the police found a single spent shell casing in the front room, not the bedroom where the puppy is alleged to have pulled the trigger. I think it's more likely that the man accidentally shot himself and then blamed the dog, which is already the policy for farts. In conclusion, Oreo Innocent. And that's animal news.

Tig Notaro (19:11)

Woof.

John Lovett (19:15)

And finally, I have some personal news. I got engaged several years ago and it didn't work out. And then I got engaged again. After four decades on this earth, someone finally chose not to leave it. I. You know. Oh, stop it. You know, I've been doing this show for eight years now, and while the show has changed a lot, I've changed a lot. But so much of what you see of me here is pretty consistent in the ups and downs of the news and in the ups and downs of my life. I do play a little bit of a character. A mad and beleaguered little imp ill equipped for polite society. My gayness and weirdness. Permission to say what I shouldn't. And it is very much me, but just a version of me. A version of me much more willing to let you in on my struggles than my successes. Because if I'm going to be a bully on this stage, I should probably be an underdog in the real world. But then I fell in love while the world fell apart. And I don't know what the future holds. But you'll be pleased to know that as happy as I am, and I only realize now, truly happy, maybe for the first time in my life, I'm as motivated by rage as ever. I seem to be getting angrier. And maybe that's because my partner, in addition to being the funniest and kindest human being I've ever met, is trans. And I see the space between the beauty of a society that celebrates difference and one that would rather destroy the lives of strangers than untangle what is ultimately a tiny knot of discomfort and curiosity. Or maybe that's just who I am. But either way, I'm excited to finally try sex. For those asking, the reception will be in Los Angeles. The honeymoon will be in Guantanamo. And to everyone on Reddit who had already figured this out, congratulations. For your next challenge, crack a window. All right, up next, it's Tig Notaro and Stephanie Allen. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave it. Coming up. Love it or Leave it is brought to you by Factor. Ready to optimize your nutrition? This year, Factor as chef made gourmet meals that make eating well easy. Their Dietitian approved and ready to heat and eat in two minutes so you can feel right and feel great no matter what life throws at you. Factory Rise Fresh and fully prepared. Perfect for any active, busy lifestyle. Lose up to eight pounds in eight weeks with Factor Keto Meals Based on a randomized controlled clinical trial with Factor Keto. Results vary depending on diet and exercise. With 40 options across eight dietary preferences on the menu each week, it's easy to pick meals tailored to your goals. Choose from preferences like Calorie Smart, Protein plus or Keto Factor can help you feel your best all day long with wholesome smoothies, breakfast grab and go snacks and more add ons. They've great cookies, great keto friendly cookies as well. Love those cookies. Reach your goals this year with ingredients you can trust. A convenience that can't be beat. John and I both have loved Factor. First of all, it's really fun to pick out the meals and then they're just in the fridge. And a couple nights a week maybe for a lunch or a dinner, you pop one in and it just like you don't order takeout, you don't eat fast food, you don't eat something unhealthy, you don't just make a peanut butter sandwich standing over the counter like a animal. And there's also there's extras. You can get some some breakfast stuff from there you can get some desserts. It's great. Eat smart with Factor. Get started at FactorMeals.com FactorPodcast and use code FactorPodcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping. That's Code Factor Podcast at FactorMeals.com Factorpodcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. TaxAct knows filing taxes can be confusing, so we have live experts on hand who can help answer any questions you may have. Questions like can I claim my SUV is my home office? If I answer work emails in my car? If I adopted 12 dogs this year, can I list them as dependents? And am I doing this right or am I doing this very, very wrong? Our experts have the answers to those questions and many others. Tax Act. Let's get them over with. And we're Last week and also earlier I made a callous comment about how love it or leave it does not like to feature lesbians. By way of apology, joining me tonight are two of the best to ever do it. Please put your hands together for the hilarious Tig Notaro and the incredible Stephanie Allen. Hi. Welcome. Good to see you. The best to do it. Top lesbians Here they are. Good to see you both.

Tig Notaro (24:10)

Good to see you. Congrats.

John Lovett (24:13)

Thank you.

Ari Schwartz (24:14)

Congratulations.

John Lovett (24:15)

I'm glad you're here for this show, which is purely a coincidence.

Tig Notaro (24:18)

Why? Because we're. Why?

John Lovett (24:24)

Because you are, to me, an example of a very smart, talented, interesting gay couple that has. That I have learned through your various works, have an exemplary and interesting and enviable relationship.

Tig Notaro (24:46)

I guess that's all I wanted to hear, but go on. You were saying something else. Did you forget how much you love me?

John Lovett (25:00)

I don't. I never forget it.

Tig Notaro (25:01)

I never forget.

John Lovett (25:02)

I never forget it.

Tig Notaro (25:03)

I never forget it.

John Lovett (25:03)

I never forget it.

Tig Notaro (25:04)

I never forget it.

John Lovett (25:05)

And what I was gonna say, I never forget it. I never forget it.

Tig Notaro (25:09)

Not once have I forgotten this.

John Lovett (25:11)

Well, what I also was thinking is, Stephanie's the first time you've been on the show.

Ari Schwartz (25:15)

Thrilled to be here.

Tig Notaro (25:17)

And last.

Ari Schwartz (25:18)

It's her last and last.

John Lovett (25:21)

But what I was also thinking is.

Tig Notaro (25:23)

Forgot to tell you.

John Lovett (25:27)

That I actually was glad specifically to have you both, and especially not just Tig for this.

Ari Schwartz (25:34)

Oh.

John Lovett (25:34)

Because. Because I think you're both nurturing people, but yours is a warmer, nurturing quality. Like, there's a lot of love that comes in your direction, but I feel like, you know, on a hairdryer, you can set it to. Cool.

Tig Notaro (25:51)

Yeah.

Ari Schwartz (25:52)

No, today Tig got a phone call from the dentist, and I overheard her answer the phone, and she went, how dare you? She went, oh, hold on a second. Hello? Yeah, I'll be there. Bye. And I truly watched Going. It looks hard to do. Like it. Like it's. To keep that energy with someone else. It's going. Hi, we're just checking in, making sure you come to your appointment.

Tig Notaro (26:18)

Okay, you're making an assumption. Okay, you're making an assumption that the woman was that excited about.

Ari Schwartz (26:26)

Well, if she was the same as you, you'd have to offset it. You can't both be like that.

John Lovett (26:30)

So your point is that your dental hygienist is like, a huge cunt?

Tig Notaro (26:34)

I guess. Yeah, that's what I was trying to get at. And she's here tonight. There she is. Fuck you. But I will be there on Monday. Stop calling me.

John Lovett (26:52)

My dentist texts.

Tig Notaro (26:55)

So does mine. That's why I was like, oh, my God, I'm getting texts and phone calls. It's a bit much. So, anyways.

John Lovett (27:08)

So, Jay, you've produced a new documentary called Come See Me in the Good Light.

Tig Notaro (27:11)

Yes.

John Lovett (27:12)

About the poet Andrea Gibson.

Tig Notaro (27:13)

Yes.

John Lovett (27:14)

I've seen it. It's beautiful.

Tig Notaro (27:15)

Thank you.

John Lovett (27:17)

Now, when did you decide that documentaries about queer people with cancer was gonna really be your nation.

Tig Notaro (27:23)

My sweet talk. You know when things just feel right, you're like, this is it. I don't have an answer.

John Lovett (27:35)

That's just your groove.

Tig Notaro (27:36)

Yeah, it's my groove. But I did somebody else. I didn't make the movie about myself. I didn't know I had my CBS readers on, but, yeah, I didn't make the documentary Tig. Somebody else made that. And then with Andrea. Andrea and I have been friends for 25 years and is one of the greatest poets that you could possibly hear and has eight books out and toured the world and is the Colorado Poet Laureate and just a really incredible person. And our mutual friend Steph Willen, who lives in Santa Fe. We were talking one day and Steph was like, I feel like this would be a really good documentary for this period of time in Andrea's life. And so it was truly green lights from that second. Like investors, the director coming on, getting into Sundance. It got in unanimously at Sundance and it also won the top prize of Sundance this year.

John Lovett (28:50)

That's great.

Tig Notaro (28:51)

And it's sold to a network, but we can't say yet. But it's Fox Business.

John Lovett (28:57)

It's really exciting. It's gonna feel a little weird for their audience. Fox, it goes from Cavuto to Maria Bartiromo to a beautiful, touching, moving queer story.

Tig Notaro (29:09)

Fox was salivating at the festival when this came on. We are top bid on this one here.

John Lovett (29:18)

So this maybe. Maybe this is an inappropriate question, but like, Stephanie, we talked about watching it and seeing it, and this is gonna be a little glib sounding, but like, Tig is a story about the documentary. You're. Tig is a person. That's you, that's me. But it's also the name of the film.

Tig Notaro (29:33)

That's right.

John Lovett (29:36)

But you have cancer in that film.

Tig Notaro (29:39)

I did, yeah.

John Lovett (29:40)

And it has a beautiful happy ending.

Tig Notaro (29:42)

It sure does.

John Lovett (29:43)

And you learn a lot and you grow and you find happiness in this relationship. But this film is about finding good and happiness and joy in a story that's ultimately more of a tragedy. And I'm just wondering, like, you must feel that when watching it to see. You have seen both of these stories.

Ari Schwartz (30:00)

Yeah, I mean, that's what I think. Shockingly, they're both life affirming. And when you watch Come See Me in the Good Light, it's like, oh, this is what presence looks like. Of course, you can look for a happy ending, but a happy ending doesn't end there. It continues. So in this, you go oh, it's the same thing. And I don't think this is in the documentary, but Andrea was like, it feels like I've been caught being mortal. And they're looking around going, no, we're all mortal. It's just that right now I have the spotlight. So what I love about it so much is going, oh, what does life really mean right now? What are you so happy that you have and that you want to keep? And you can talk about gratitude and you can talk about all these things, but when you watch this documentary and you go, God, this is what you have right now.

John Lovett (30:56)

Yeah. There's a moment in the film when Andrea just gotten some bad news, and she just starts whispering like, this happens to everyone. Like this happens to everyone in one way or another. We all. Whether you know it's coming, you don't know it's coming. This happens to everyone. And I feel like a lot like stories about people grappling with cancer are often about really trying to get people to see that. And I wonder, like, what you were trying to. What you wanted people to take away from this, like, why you felt like this person really struggling. This is a person. Round after round of really painful treatments while trying to find the joy in the daily life. What made you think this was something you needed to share?

Tig Notaro (31:40)

I mean, I was just. Andrea lives in Colorado, and like I said, our mutual friend Steph lives in Santa Fe, and I'm in Los Angeles. And Steph and I have been in constant conversation about between Andrea's medical appointments to trying to get Andrea's podcast edited and maybe up and going and just always checking in, trying to brainstorm how we can be helpful in Andrea's life. And also, the film is very much about their relationship with Meg, their partner as well, who is also a poet. But I think that what struck us and what obviously strikes everybody watching the film is just how Andrea is moving through this and with this. And it's not to say that Andrea is, you know, forcing positivity or anything like that. It's very real, like the ups and the downs. But there's just something when Andrea puts their experience to words in the way that they do. I remember one of my favorite things that Andrea ever said, and it's not in the film. And it's that, you know, what kind of poet would I be if I could only make things beautiful on the page? And I was like, God, I love that. And it's so, so very true about Andrea. It's very real, like, the ups and the downs but there's just something when Andrea puts their experience to words in the way that they do. I remember one of my favorite things that Andrea ever said, and it's not in the film. And it's that, what kind of poet would I be if I could only make things beautiful on the page? And I was like, God, I love that. And it's so, so very true about Andrea.

John Lovett (33:46)

Yeah. There's also something I appreciated, which is, I think often finding the joy Andrea makes a decision, which is to make her life a little bit worse or a lot worse by continuing to pursue treatment, to get as much life as possible. Even though there's a lot of pain, there's a lot of side effects. And I appreciated that because I think oftentimes there have been stories that equate finding the good in the moment with like, no, I'm gonna accept what's happening. Right. And she doesn't accept what's happening. And I wonder if you felt like there was a tension there at all or anything that. Like that. Here's someone saying, I want to make the most of my time, but also I'm going to try to get more time by pursuing experimental treatments that'll hurt my voice. That'll make things even more painful.

Tig Notaro (34:33)

You're not going to believe this, but I. What did you ask me? I was listening, but I was also really focused on your face. This is inappropriate. We're talking about cancer. A beautiful film.

John Lovett (34:57)

Beautiful film. Someone dying of cancer.

Tig Notaro (34:58)

For sure.

Ari Schwartz (34:59)

That process of when you. Andrea doesn't go, I'm just gonna not do treatment, and I'm gonna enjoy my time, but is going. I'm gonna be in the present. I'm gonna enjoy my time, but also I'm gonna do every experimental thing I'm gonna. Like, ultimately, they're trying to live.

Tig Notaro (35:16)

Yeah, for sure.

John Lovett (35:17)

Why did you not hear what I said?

Ari Schwartz (35:20)

She's seen my face.

Tig Notaro (35:22)

An interpreter. I like your face. I got lost in it.

John Lovett (35:27)

You got lost in it?

Tig Notaro (35:28)

Yeah, I got lost in it for a while. I think he has a cute face.

John Lovett (35:31)

I mean, Stephanie, let's turn to you. Oh, no, no. I want to know.

Tig Notaro (35:37)

No, no, no. Stephanie has much better answers than I do.

John Lovett (35:41)

So you directed. Hello again.

Ari Schwartz (35:44)

Oh, yeah.

Tig Notaro (35:46)

Oh, I was like, what is that? I'm just pivoting. That was my latest comedy special.

Ari Schwartz (35:51)

What was that?

Tig Notaro (35:52)

Yeah, I was like, what is that?

John Lovett (35:54)

Hey, I just. Just listen. I want you to just. We don't have to talk about it, but just. I want you to keep in the back of your mind, I Am a professional. And I know I don't always seem like it, but I know what's going on.

Tig Notaro (36:06)

I am, too.

John Lovett (36:07)

No, I know. I know. I know.

Ari Schwartz (36:08)

The title of your special that I directed.

Tig Notaro (36:11)

I didn't know it either. I named the special hello again.

Ari Schwartz (36:16)

Yes, I directed that.

John Lovett (36:18)

And this is a good working relationship.

Ari Schwartz (36:26)

Yeah.

John Lovett (36:29)

So Ari and I work together.

Tig Notaro (36:30)

Right.

John Lovett (36:31)

And I'm wondering if you have any strategies or tips. Cause what we do is pretend we're strangers until 5pm we shake hands at the end of the day.

Ari Schwartz (36:38)

Do we work well together?

John Lovett (36:40)

Yeah, we do, but we don't really work that much together. Our work doesn't overlap. We work together, but they work on the business side of things, and I work on the stupid side of things. Do you ever have conflicts when you're working together?

Tig Notaro (36:52)

We've had conflicts. And I feel like. And correct me if I'm wrong, but we'll be on a TV or movie set and maybe we have a little bit of an argument, and then we just ignore each other the entire day. We do our jobs and nobody notices because why would anybody be looking? I feel like it's happened twice.

Ari Schwartz (37:17)

Yeah, but we've never gotten. I don't think. In an argument about work. Usually something happened at home where we're bothered by the other person.

Tig Notaro (37:25)

Something happened at home.

Ari Schwartz (37:28)

Something happened at home.

Tig Notaro (37:33)

It was in our home where it happened. Our home. We were as surprised as you are.

Ari Schwartz (37:43)

In our home driving to work in silence. Something happened at home.

John Lovett (37:48)

So that's interesting, though. That's interesting. So are you, like, I am a. We need to resolve this now. Like, I don't. I can't move on.

Ari Schwartz (37:57)

I'm like that. And Tig isn't.

John Lovett (37:59)

You need time. Do you need time or you.

Tig Notaro (38:01)

I need a beat. I need a beat because Stephanie will throw a curve ball, and I'm like, wow.

Ari Schwartz (38:10)

Well, what Tig recently said, which I feel like is really accurate. I mean, I don't think you made this up. I don't know if you read it, but that you like. Like, we, like, 99.

Tig Notaro (38:21)

I didn't read this.

Ari Schwartz (38:22)

You made it up?

Tig Notaro (38:22)

Yes.

John Lovett (38:23)

Okay.

Tig Notaro (38:24)

I wasn't like, this is good.

Ari Schwartz (38:27)

I wasn't sure if this was, like, a relationship thing.

John Lovett (38:30)

No.

Ari Schwartz (38:30)

But we like 99% of the other person, and then the 1% we loathe.

John Lovett (38:36)

Huh.

Tig Notaro (38:37)

And that's what. Well, that's what I had originally said to you is I was like, I love you 99% of the time, and then 1% cannot stand you when things happen in our House at the home. And then we silently drive to work. Two times this happened. And then, yeah, we're just doing our job and then we head home for the day.

John Lovett (39:07)

But at some point it's resolved. Presumably before tonight.

Tig Notaro (39:12)

Yes, definitely. But I don't think that we've ever had conflict about work. Like Stephanie was saying, I feel.

John Lovett (39:23)

So you work really well together.

Tig Notaro (39:25)

We work really well together.

John Lovett (39:26)

And then occasionally the minor thing that.

Tig Notaro (39:29)

Happens in our home will happen, whatever that might be. Oh my gosh. It's tough when it happens inside and.

John Lovett (39:40)

It is in of door. It's not yard stuff.

Tig Notaro (39:42)

No, no, no. It's an indoor problem. It never rolls out.

Ari Schwartz (39:47)

We have indoor problems.

Tig Notaro (39:48)

We have indoor problems, but they're workable. We also get through our conflict with things like there is a meme or something. Is that what it is? Like a picture? And so there was a meme of a person driving and then the person's dog was in the passenger seat and had its paw on the shoulder. And so now. Oh, and the meme was like.

Ari Schwartz (40:15)

And the meme said, I'm sorry. How you show you're sorry.

Tig Notaro (40:19)

Yeah, like when you're mad at your partner but you're sorry. And so now we'll. When we're driving highly, we'll be like. And we'll put a paw on the shoulder.

John Lovett (40:30)

And so that means I'm mad. I'm still currently mad.

Tig Notaro (40:34)

That means you were wrong.

John Lovett (40:36)

You're wrong, but I still love you.

Ari Schwartz (40:38)

Usually when someone does that, the other person usually goes, oh, you're sorry.

Tig Notaro (40:43)

Uh huh. You're sweet sorry.

Ari Schwartz (40:45)

Yeah, but we're not really saying we're sorry.

Tig Notaro (40:48)

No, we're just putting a paw on the shoulder.

Ari Schwartz (40:53)

We're not great with conflict resolution.

Tig Notaro (40:56)

Well, another, like when we first got together in our first year when we had a problem indoors, I think it was our first big indoor problem. And we were arguing and I just walked over to the window in our kitchen and I just started making up a musical. I was like, there was a time. And I started singing all of our problems. And then Stephanie chimed in and we had a duet. And so we'll just sing our problems out.

John Lovett (41:30)

Wow, that's beautiful. And no therapist has been involved or anything?

Ari Schwartz (41:34)

I was just gonna say our therapist at one point said, have you guys ever heard of sad clowns?

John Lovett (41:42)

You gotta. I'm afraid I am Pagliacci.

Tig Notaro (41:47)

Can I tell you something unrelated, Stephanie? Yesterday was the first time clap if you've ever heard of Houdini. Stephanie had never heard of Houdini. Anyway, Go ahead. What were you saying?

John Lovett (42:08)

He's Jewish. Houdini was Jewish. Oh, so many people know.

Ari Schwartz (42:13)

Never, never got Jewish.

Tig Notaro (42:15)

Henry Houdini.

Ari Schwartz (42:16)

It's the first time I've ever had that experience where I'm like, I never heard of that person. And everyone's like, what?

John Lovett (42:21)

I'm just. And why do you think you brought that up tonight?

Tig Notaro (42:24)

Yeah, Tig, I was trying to bring our indoor problems, but that was one.

John Lovett (42:29)

Of the kind of conflicts you have, it seems. What did it represent?

Ari Schwartz (42:32)

Why is it so that's a indoor problem.

Tig Notaro (42:34)

Okay, here's the thing is I don't follow a lot of pop culture and things like that. And so like that you'd be like.

John Lovett (42:42)

Yeah, I mean, it was pop culture at some point.

Ari Schwartz (42:46)

Tig recently referred to the Olsen twins as Mary Kate and Olsen.

Tig Notaro (42:54)

I'm almost 54. I didn't watch the show, but that was in reference to the movie Come See Me the Good Life.

Ari Schwartz (43:00)

Yeah, that's right.

Tig Notaro (43:01)

Andrea and Meg are renaming constellations. And Meg says, oh, that's Amy. Amy. Amy Olsen. No, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. And Andrea says, I don't know who that is. And Stephanie's like, how is that possible? And I was like, andrea is like a hairy, armpit queer person in the mountains. Like, you know, like fighting in the streets. Like, Andrea's not following the Olsen twins. And then I accidentally called them Mary Kate and Olson. And then I was like, see, that's what I call them. Why would Andrea know these people?

John Lovett (43:42)

Yeah, it's about where you are on the mountain lesbian spectrum.

Tig Notaro (43:46)

Yeah. I'm sorry, I took this very just like steamrolling show flying down the tracks.

John Lovett (43:58)

You think that's what this was?

Tig Notaro (43:59)

No.

John Lovett (44:01)

As I never got to. You both directed the 2022 comedy Emma. Okay. Which I loved, in which Dakota Johnson comes out as a lesbian or I don't know if she ever actually uses the word. I don't think she does. I don't think she ever uses the word lesbian.

Tig Notaro (44:16)

Good.

John Lovett (44:20)

You know, but she likes girls, you know, in it here to give her completely honest review of Am I okay?

Tig Notaro (44:27)

Is Dakota Johnson?

John Lovett (44:29)

Is Love it or leave it's own late in life lesbian. Our head writer, Hallie Kiefer.

Stephanie Allen (44:37)

The people's Dakota Johnson. Okay, this is my totally honest review. Okay. First of all, I'm supposed to buy Dakota Johnson as a late in life lesbian. Well, I do. I thought she did a great job with the role. She's not my go to, but she's like Scarlett Johansson for the right part. She's the right gal. It's just my opinion. Second of all, you're supposed to tell me in 2020s in Los Angeles, everyone and their mother is fine with a little casual bisexuality, but then Dakota Johnson has a mini breakdown about coming out as a lesbian. And I do think they use the word. And if not, that's fine because this is about my opinion. And of course I believe that because that's exactly what it feels like. I had to keep pausing the movie because it was too close to the bone, but that's just my opinion. And then, third of all, you're trying to convince me that. Spoiler alert. Dakota Johnson is pursued by a work colleague played by the endlessly charming Kiersey Clemons, and is so uncomfortable with her newfound sexuality that she almost fumbles the bag entirely. Well, obviously, yeah, because that's what happens in real life. It's humiliating. The accuracy was uncomfortable to watch. Isn't that what art is supposed to do? Disturb the comfortable, uncomfortable disturbances? My opinion. And then finally, you're gonna look at me in my gay little eyes and tell me that in the end, the movie's really about the power of friendship and how the pain of self growth gives birth to deeper, more meaningful relationships, which is one of the many oft ignores in that way, deeply lesbian benefits of having queer people in society that we can all enjoy. Well, you couldn't be more, right. It's an invaluable observation. So go watch. Am I okay? Available on streaming. That's just my opinion. It could have used more Sean Hayes. Could have used more Sean Hayes.

John Lovett (46:18)

Hallie Kiefer, everybody.

Stephanie Allen (46:19)

Thank you.

John Lovett (46:21)

All right, thank you, Tig and Stephanie. Everybody should watch hello again. Which is really funny, by the way. And I saw. I went and I actually. Incredible. And I want to do a compliment for hello again, which I thought was a beautiful special, but I'll take it.

Tig Notaro (46:36)

Now that I know what the project is.

John Lovett (46:42)

I was struggling to articulate this after, but there is nobody, I think, right now that is better able to have one of to be incredibly funny without ever making you feel like you're watching someone tell a joke. And there's just. There are a lot of people who can tell a joke, but there are so few people who can make you laugh without ever telling a joke, which makes you feel like you're watching someone just tell a story, which is so difficult to do, and you make it look like it is not. And I just want you to know how much I appreciate.

Tig Notaro (47:17)

Thank you.

John Lovett (47:17)

How difficult it is to do what you do and make it look so easy. And I think there's nobody that does it better. And so everybody should see. Hello again. Listen to handsome. Wherever you get your podcasts, you'll be able.

Tig Notaro (47:30)

Also, Stephanie was nominated for an Emmy award directing my special.

John Lovett (47:36)

I didn't know that.

Ari Schwartz (47:37)

What is it?

Tig Notaro (47:38)

It's called hello again.

John Lovett (47:40)

Oh, they love you on Star Trek Discovery.

Tig Notaro (47:43)

Well, my character popped over to Starfleet Academy starring Holly Hunter and Paul Giamatti and myself. So that'll be coming out soon.

John Lovett (47:55)

Wow.

Tig Notaro (47:55)

Yeah. Right here in the flesh.

John Lovett (48:00)

All right. And everybody can check out Howie's podcast, Ruined with Alison Levy. Next up, we're going to the chapel and we're getting competitive. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave It. Coming up. Love or Leave it is brought to you by Haya. Typical children's vitamins are basically candy in disguise, filled with two teaspoons of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy additives growing kids should not eat. That's why Haya created a superpowered chewable vitamin. Hai is made with zero sugar and zero gummy additives, yet it tastes great and is perfect for picky eaters. Haya fills in the most common gaps in modern children's diets to provide the full nourishment our kids need with a yummy taste they love. Charlie Favreau was using it and now he can see murders before they happen. Yeah, he's one of the three. Just an unexpected benefit, which is incredible. Which is incredible. But then it's like, well, the government abuse this power, right? You know, with great power comes great responsibility. We're keeping an eye on it. Formulated with the help of pediatricians and nutrition experts, Haya is pressed with a blend of 12 organic fruits and veggies, then supercharged with 15 essential vitamins and minerals, including vitamins D, B12, C, zinc, folate, and many others to help support immune system energy, brain function, mood, concentration, teeth, bones, and more. It's non gmo, vegan, dairy free, allergy free, gelatin free, nut free, and everything else you can imagine. Every single batch is third party tested for heavy metals and microbials in a qualified GMP compliant lab using scientifically validated testing methods. So you know the product is safe and nutritious. Haya is designed for kids two and up and sent straight to your door so parents have one less thing to worry about. Charlie favord, no jokes aside, as takes Haya. Yeah. Oh, he does. Yes. No, he does. And he and he enjoys it. Which is important because otherwise he's just eating spaghetti. Just spaghetti. Just spaghetti Right now. Are you tired of battling with your kids to eat their greens high? And now has Kids Daily Greens plus Superfoods, a chocolate flavored green powder designed specifically for kids. Packed with 55 plus whole ingredients to support brain power development and digestion. Just scoop, shake and sip with milk or any non dairy beverage for a delicious and nutritious boost your kids will actually enjoy. We've worked out a special deal with Higher for their best selling children's vitamin. Receive 50 off your first order. To claim this deal you must go to hyahealth.com love it. This deal is not available on their regular website. Go to H I Y A Health H y dash A H E A L T H dot com Love it and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults.

Hallie Kiefer (50:24)

When your schedule is packed, it can be difficult to put a wholesome meal on the table. That's where HelloFresh comes in. With 50 delicious weekly recipes, HelloFresh has something for everyone. Each box is fully customizable to fit your preferences and delivered to your door so you can skip the grocery store and make something wholesome, easy and affordably. Need something delicious in a flash? Try 15 minute meals that come together in three simple steps or prep and bake meals that are low on prep and mess. No time to cook. Dig into ready made meals that go from fridge to fork in three minutes so you can eat well without the hassle. Go to hellofresh.com hellofresh10 free now to get a free high protein item for life and up to 10 free meals, one per box with active subscription free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by planning.

John Lovett (51:20)

And we're back. I'll just note that this is actually the second time I've played this game on the show, so let's hope this one sticks. I got a point. Make a joke about it. Take the air out of that balloon. Please welcome to the stage my future spouse and the person whose wet towels I can't wait to pick up off the bathroom floor every single day until I die. It's the wonderful Ari Schwartz. All right. All right. Hi.

F (51:59)

Hi.

John Lovett (52:02)

Are you glad we did this?

F (52:03)

I'm. Yeah.

John Lovett (52:08)

You don't regret doing this?

F (52:10)

No.

Tig Notaro (52:14)

Doing what?

John Lovett (52:15)

Being on the microphone.

Ari Schwartz (52:16)

Oh.

Tig Notaro (52:17)

Oh, yeah. I thought you meant engaged. I thought you meant engaged.

John Lovett (52:21)

Oh.

Tig Notaro (52:23)

I was like, oh, well, now would.

F (52:26)

Be the time to kind of hash that out.

John Lovett (52:30)

Anything you'd like to share about the engagement.

F (52:32)

It happened, and now I'm on a microphone because of it.

Tig Notaro (52:39)

Tell us the engagement story.

John Lovett (52:41)

Well, I will. So we planned it to within an inch of its life, to the point where there was zero. Surprise.

Hallie Kiefer (52:51)

None.

John Lovett (52:53)

To the point where we discussed not just when we would do it, not just that we would do it at a dinner, but. And not just that we would do it during dessert.

Tig Notaro (53:03)

But what dessert?

F (53:06)

I don't even remember the dessert.

John Lovett (53:08)

But we decided that we would do it.

F (53:12)

There was some cookie, I guess, but.

John Lovett (53:14)

We decided we would do it when the dessert was placed but before we ate it, because then we wouldn't face a.

F (53:21)

We had an overly attentive waiter, which we love. We love. But we were nervous that it would be interrupted.

Ari Schwartz (53:27)

And so are you talking about this the whole time you're at the.

F (53:30)

Essentially, yes.

Ari Schwartz (53:31)

What about before you got there?

F (53:33)

The whole day and honestly, weeks before. So it was. It was. Yeah, it kind of took over.

John Lovett (53:40)

And there was. And that was romantic in its own way.

Tig Notaro (53:43)

Sure.

Ari Schwartz (53:43)

Yeah.

John Lovett (53:48)

But then we. We had a really nice day together, and then we decided on the moment, and then we each had set. We decided we would each say something really nice about why we wanted to be engaged, and then we made it official.

F (53:57)

Mm.

John Lovett (53:58)

And then we exchanged rings.

F (54:01)

Sure did.

John Lovett (54:01)

Can I make my joke?

F (54:03)

Yeah, you sure can.

John Lovett (54:04)

And it turns out there's no amount of testosterone that can kill the part of a Jewish woman that wants a big diamond.

F (54:12)

That's true. That's true.

Tig Notaro (54:16)

That is amazing.

John Lovett (54:19)

All right.

Ari Schwartz (54:20)

I really, like. Can I make my joke?

Tig Notaro (54:23)

And then real quick, how far into your relationship and did you decide, I want to be married to this person? And who brought it up and was like, I want to be married to.

John Lovett (54:40)

Well, it involves the television program Survivor.

F (54:45)

I assumed, as all engagements should, because.

John Lovett (54:49)

I went on the television program Survivor, and for what? To be. To survive.

Tig Notaro (54:58)

To survive. Okay.

John Lovett (55:01)

And we had only started dating not soon before. Like, pretty close to when I had to leave.

Tig Notaro (55:07)

Wait, you were actually a cast member on there?

F (55:10)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John Lovett (55:11)

You don't know that. You don't know that I was on the stage.

Tig Notaro (55:13)

I don't follow. I only know who Houdini is.

John Lovett (55:17)

Right.

Tig Notaro (55:18)

I don't follow pop culture.

John Lovett (55:20)

No, no, for sure. And so I was on Survivor, which meant I was gone and away from my phone for five weeks or four weeks, and.

Tig Notaro (55:30)

Oh, my God.

John Lovett (55:31)

And when I got my. And when I got my phone back, so we had talked about. We'll see where we are at the end of the year this was in May of last year. And when I got my phone back, we both. I called you from Fiji, but we basically when I called, having been away for five weeks, were like, when I get back, this is it. And we moved in right then.

Tig Notaro (55:52)

It was like you said that, well.

F (55:54)

I had already moved in, obviously, because he had left the property, so I moved in.

Tig Notaro (56:03)

And so you called saying, when I get home, it's just me and you, kid.

John Lovett (56:08)

Basically 4F.

F (56:10)

That's it.

John Lovett (56:10)

And you said it wasn't like. It was like. You weren't surprised by that? No.

Tig Notaro (56:15)

You were a little hesitant. Were you like, like, how long?

F (56:23)

No, I think I was like, basically like, yeah, I've pretty much already moved all of my stuff in.

John Lovett (56:29)

Yeah. So that's a little bit of the old lesbian jumping out in that. It was a very practical thing. Well, my stuff is already here, so I guess we should spend the rest of our lives together.

F (56:40)

That's how it works.

Tig Notaro (56:41)

To be fair, I used to have a loft downtown, and Stephanie came over in, like, what, the first month? And she was like, I am so sick of trying to find parking down here. Should we just move in together? I was like, sure. Anybody else before Stephanie, I would have been like, calling a friend, being like, no, she couldn't find parking. And she's like, should we move in? But with Stephanie, I'm like, that makes sense.

F (57:07)

Yeah.

John Lovett (57:09)

Yeah.

Tig Notaro (57:10)

No one can be a survivor. But yeah.

John Lovett (57:12)

Also, the plumbing did break at your apartment.

F (57:14)

Yeah, my apartment flooded, which is also obviously a part of it.

Tig Notaro (57:18)

And did you call and were you like, so my plumbing exploded?

John Lovett (57:24)

Well, I had ripped the pipe out the wall the day before.

Tig Notaro (57:27)

Oh, right.

John Lovett (57:29)

And now it is with deep regret that I hand over control of this segment to Hallie.

Stephanie Allen (57:37)

Welcome, everyone, to a segment we're calling the sunywed Game. Thank you, Kennedy, for the title. We are going to pit one married couple against two spouses to be ever since. Being married for a decade definitely puts a thumb on the personal trivia scale. We tried to balance out the relationship deep dives with a more philosophical view of your partner. Did we succeed? It's too late to worry about that now because it's time to play the Suniwed Game. When I ask a question, I will be directing it either to Tig and Lovett or Stephanie and Ari. I paired you guys up based on how much I liked your vibe. Let us begin. Ari and Stephanie, what is the single most annoying thing your partner does? Now, Lovett and Tig, you're gonna write what you Think they're writing right now. So this is not what you personally think the most annoying thing is. What is the most annoying thing to Stephanie in her eyes or Ari in their eyes?

John Lovett (58:33)

I think this is. Oh, that's a tough one. Wow. This is gonna be devastating. All right.

Stephanie Allen (58:39)

I gave Ari some suggestions backstage. I'm not gonna lie.

Tig Notaro (58:43)

Okay. Okay.

Stephanie Allen (58:44)

Any ideas?

Tig Notaro (58:46)

What if I can't think of anything?

Stephanie Allen (58:49)

Ooh.

John Lovett (58:50)

Wow. That's longevity. That's practice. That's practice.

Stephanie Allen (58:57)

Stephanie's just erasing wildly. List. All right. How are we doing? Are we still working on it? Nope. Okay. Writing a lot down there. Love it.

John Lovett (59:06)

Great. Okay, I'm ready.

Stephanie Allen (59:10)

All right, great. Everyone, who reveals first? Ooh, I don't think we thought that through. I think Ari and Stephanie reveal, and then you love it until you reveal and see if they match.

John Lovett (59:20)

Okay.

Stephanie Allen (59:20)

All right, so, Ari and Stephanie, please turn your boards around, and I will read them out loud. Aria's written, doesn't know how to pick up dog poop. That's a great one. Stevie says her love of air conditioning. Okay. Love it. Let's turn yours around first. Are they matching?

John Lovett (59:34)

I said constantly says, let's deal with this task tomorrow until we die.

Stephanie Allen (59:40)

Yeah. Okay. He's seem related. And then Tig. Okay, great. Lot of laughs. Let's turn this bad boy around. And we wrote. Wow. That's 10 years old.

Tig Notaro (59:50)

Wow.

John Lovett (59:51)

How they got it. How's temp? Too cold.

Stephanie Allen (59:55)

That's how we do it.

John Lovett (59:56)

12 years and Tubi. That's amazing. That's amazing. That's one point for you. Just to be clear, when Ari says, I don't know how to pick up dog poop, it's not that I don't pick it up. It's that they believe my technique is wrong.

F (60:08)

It's wrong. Do you guys want to smell the dog poop? He holds it up to his nose.

John Lovett (60:13)

No.

Stephanie Allen (60:14)

He opens the bag up here.

John Lovett (60:16)

No.

F (60:16)

I defend it.

John Lovett (60:17)

Ari claims the bag is open. Is open too long.

F (60:20)

Oh. Because it's open too long, that I.

John Lovett (60:23)

Don'T try to close it on the ground, that I come up and then I close it.

Tig Notaro (60:27)

What a nasty fight.

Stephanie Allen (60:31)

Don't worry.

John Lovett (60:31)

They have it.

Tig Notaro (60:32)

I'm worried about you too.

Stephanie Allen (60:34)

They have eternity to resolve it. Moving on. All right, so this question's for Tig and Lovett. Tig and Lovett, your partner is faced with the infamous trolley problem. I think we have an image. Thank you. Oh, yeah. That's a good one too. The ethical conundrum in which a person must consciously choose to Pull a switch and direct an out of control train away from a track with five people onto a track where one person will be killed. But it would require them to throw the switch. Would your partner throw the switch? A simple yes or no.

Tig Notaro (61:06)

I'm sorry. The switch. The switch kills the person.

Stephanie Allen (61:10)

So you're gonna kill a person either way? Unfortunately, that's the trolley problem. The question is, now you could throw it.

Tig Notaro (61:15)

I'm sorry, it's just that this is an outdoor problem.

Stephanie Allen (61:20)

That's a good point.

John Lovett (61:22)

The trolley is heading towards those five people. If you do nothing, those five people die. If you proactively.

Tig Notaro (61:28)

I'm sorry. Stephanie's head was. I didn't see the five people.

Stephanie Allen (61:31)

That's okay.

Tig Notaro (61:32)

I was like, that's totally fine. I don't understand.

John Lovett (61:34)

Yeah. This isn't about whether or not Stephanie would callously murder a stranger.

Ari Schwartz (61:40)

To save five people.

John Lovett (61:42)

To save five people.

Stephanie Allen (61:43)

Would you put your. Would you interfere?

Tig Notaro (61:45)

I totally get it. It's just I didn't. Because of her head, I could not see the five people.

Stephanie Allen (61:51)

Points deducted. Stephanie, I'm sorry. Please.

Tig Notaro (61:53)

I didn't know where the five people were. I'm new to the biz.

Stephanie Allen (61:59)

All right, everyone, having written, yes or no. All right, Tig. And love it. If you wouldn't mind turning your boards around. Tig, you still working on it? Sorry, that's on me. Okay.

Tig Notaro (62:08)

Yes.

Stephanie Allen (62:08)

Well, go ahead, Ari. We'll start with you guys. And the answer is yes. Okay, well.

Tig Notaro (62:12)

Oh, just one answer. Yes, well, and I'm sorry. The answer is. It's if. Would she kill?

Ari Schwartz (62:24)

It's not about killing.

John Lovett (62:27)

You pull the lever to save five, but kill one, you do nothing. Five die. Does Stephanie pull the lever? You already saw the answer.

F (62:38)

I do want to say that this graphic.

John Lovett (62:39)

Wait, on the board.

F (62:40)

This graphic does seem to be in a loop, Right?

Stephanie Allen (62:43)

And that's a good question.

Tig Notaro (62:44)

I saw it. I didn't see that.

John Lovett (62:47)

All right, you got it.

Stephanie Allen (62:48)

Well, there we go. All right, all right. I think I already know the answer, at least for one of our couples. And this is a question for Ari and Stephanie. Ari and Stefan. Tell me, in your opinion, who is more likely to ruin a vacation and take that however you want to take it. You know what I'm talking about.

Tig Notaro (63:10)

And is this just yes or no?

Stephanie Allen (63:12)

No. This is if it's possible. It is yours or Stephanie's name.

Tig Notaro (63:20)

And am I doing this?

Stephanie Allen (63:21)

Yes, you're doing all of them. All right, great. I see a big old answer on Ari. So we'll start with you guys. Ari, would you mind turning your board around? Yeah, obviously. Come on, now. I obviously said love it.

John Lovett (63:38)

Yeah, Very big John. I wrote me. Not even close.

Stephanie Allen (63:41)

Yes.

F (63:42)

Love it.

Stephanie Allen (63:42)

Of course. Obviously. All right. Okay. Tig and Stephanie.

Tig Notaro (63:48)

It's happened many times.

John Lovett (63:50)

Tig says Stephanie's at one another.

Ari Schwartz (63:54)

Many times.

Tig Notaro (63:55)

So many, many trips.

Stephanie Allen (63:58)

No points awarded or involved.

John Lovett (64:00)

Sounds like ruined some indoor vacations.

Stephanie Allen (64:04)

Are you guys having fun?

John Lovett (64:06)

Yeah. What is the most likely thing to get you in trouble on a vacation?

Tig Notaro (64:12)

I was thinking, do we write it on the board?

Ari Schwartz (64:18)

We've had some hospital detours.

Tig Notaro (64:23)

Well, my body has failed me a few times.

Stephanie Allen (64:26)

Yeah, I don't know if those count.

Ari Schwartz (64:27)

That's what I was thinking. You were gonna think.

Tig Notaro (64:30)

Well, I think you wanna know the way I've ruined vacations. Stephanie and I really differ on what time to leave for airports. And in fact, we went through that getting here tonight. Calling the car. Stephanie wanted to call the car to where we would arrive 40 minutes early. Not interested in that. I'm not interested in that.

Ari Schwartz (65:00)

Whereas I like to just roll 40 minutes late.

Tig Notaro (65:02)

40 minutes late. No, I'm not. No, don't you start pulling indoor problems.

Stephanie Allen (65:13)

Next question. This one is for Lovett and Tig.

Tig Notaro (65:18)

Ooh.

Stephanie Allen (65:18)

What do you think was your most memorable date? Something stands out in your mind. Romantic evening, a terrible fight. Whatever sticks out of your mind. Was your most memorable date. A neutral word, I suppose. All right. Are your board remains blank. This one. It doesn't have to be a good date. It's just sort of like, what's the first date that comes to mind? Like, oh, remember we did that one thing? Bungee jumping. I don't know what you guys do at home.

Tig Notaro (65:50)

We fight.

John Lovett (65:51)

Okay, good.

Stephanie Allen (65:56)

Our first harrowing fight. Indoor versus outdoor. All right, I will have. Love it if you'll turn your board around first.

John Lovett (66:06)

I said pick a Brandi Carlisle concert.

Stephanie Allen (66:09)

Okay, great. No, that's good. Love. Okay. And here we go. Ari turned around. Brandi Carlin. That's what I'm talking about.

Ari Schwartz (66:16)

I don't think.

Tig Notaro (66:17)

I don't think we're gonna match.

Ari Schwartz (66:18)

I don't think we're gonna match.

Tig Notaro (66:20)

I know we're not.

Ari Schwartz (66:21)

I've gone all on.

Tig Notaro (66:21)

But that's why we're so connected. We know we're not gonna connect.

Stephanie Allen (66:24)

Incredible stuff.

Ari Schwartz (66:25)

Do I go first?

Stephanie Allen (66:26)

No. Tig, if you wouldn't mind turning around first whenever you're done adding to the elaborate evening you must have spent together. So aren't enough words to describe it, one might argue.

Tig Notaro (66:40)

Well, okay, I turn it around.

Stephanie Allen (66:43)

Yes, let's see it.

John Lovett (66:46)

Dinner. The night we first said I love you.

Stephanie Allen (66:49)

That's good.

John Lovett (66:49)

I should have done that.

Ari Schwartz (66:50)

I got half. Somewhat similar dinner.

Stephanie Allen (66:53)

Dinner. Bruges. Was it the same dinner?

Ari Schwartz (66:55)

No, we didn't say I love you.

Tig Notaro (67:00)

Cause you ruined the vacation.

Ari Schwartz (67:04)

We got there late.

Stephanie Allen (67:14)

We gotta wrap it up before Lovett collapses here. Final question. Ari and Stephanie. What is your weirdest habit? Obviously the one that you'd be okay revealing tonight in front of all these people, not trying to end your relationships. So again, Ari and Stephanie, what is your weirdest habit? And then love it. And take. What is the. Just what you think is their weirdest habit?

Tig Notaro (67:34)

Oh, my gosh.

Stephanie Allen (67:38)

All right, Stephanie, I'll have you start first. What is your weirdest.

Ari Schwartz (67:41)

This sounds so weird.

John Lovett (67:42)

Ooh.

Stephanie Allen (67:42)

Okay, great. My cup in the bath. Yes, Weird.

John Lovett (67:48)

My cup in the bath.

Stephanie Allen (67:49)

And then take. I'll have you turn it around, please. Be cup in the bath. Money on. When Stephanie points at all.

Tig Notaro (67:55)

I didn't finish writing it. Where she points all of her fingers up at the water faucet in the bathtub. So similar.

Ari Schwartz (68:03)

It's the same thing.

Tig Notaro (68:04)

It's the same thing. She either. When the water comes out of the faucet, I notice because I go sit on this stool next to the bath and talk to her while she's enjoying a cup.

John Lovett (68:16)

Yep.

Tig Notaro (68:17)

Yeah. And the water comes out. She's in the tub, the water's coming out of the faucet, and she makes a cup with her hand for the water. Or she does this to the water. So I hadn't finished writing the whole thing, but it's the water.

John Lovett (68:33)

Wow.

Stephanie Allen (68:34)

We'll give them the point.

Ari Schwartz (68:35)

We'll give them the point temperature.

Tig Notaro (68:37)

But come on. That's pretty impressive. That's crazy.

John Lovett (68:39)

That's amazing. That's amazing.

Stephanie Allen (68:41)

That's not even that weird.

John Lovett (68:42)

12 years. This is why when I say I thought it was serendipitous that you were here. What an interesting. An exemplary couple.

Tig Notaro (68:51)

Thank you.

Ari Schwartz (68:52)

Middle cup.

Tig Notaro (68:53)

All right, Ari, so we have also. Aside from indoor problems, we also have indoor weird habits too, you know. Right.

John Lovett (69:01)

I love that.

Tig Notaro (69:02)

Right? Right? Am I right? Right.

Stephanie Allen (69:05)

Ladies, save it for the bathtub. Ari, would you mind revealing your weirdest habit?

F (69:11)

Bringing up to do list items right before we fall asleep for things months away.

Stephanie Allen (69:16)

Great.

John Lovett (69:17)

Excellent. Wow. First of all, I feel very seen by that answer.

Tig Notaro (69:21)

Oh, my God. Don't tell me it's the cup in the bathtub.

John Lovett (69:23)

No, it's a similar. I would say this. It is connected. You will see how it is connected. If Ari leaves the house, they must shower when getting home. No exceptions. Even if it was just like 10 minutes that once you're outside you are unclean.

Tig Notaro (69:38)

Yeah, I like your style, Ari.

F (69:41)

Yeah, I'm real clean.

Tig Notaro (69:44)

Love it.

John Lovett (69:45)

But yes, that does happen. But that relates to my item earlier where I said I like to put off little tasks forever until we die.

F (69:53)

And I like to talk about them as I fall asleep.

Stephanie Allen (69:56)

And I think weird is annoying. Annoying is weird. So really it is the same question. We just reworded it and that somehow was the game.

John Lovett (70:04)

Thank you.

Stephanie Allen (70:05)

Thank you so much everybody.

Hallie Kiefer (70:07)

Thank you.

John Lovett (70:07)

Holly Kiefer, everybody.

Stephanie Allen (70:09)

Thank you very much.

John Lovett (70:09)

Ari Schwartz. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It Or Leave it coming up. Love Or Leave it is brought to you by Prolon. Do you love going out and hanging with friends? Yes. Does all this eating and drinking start to take a toll? Also yes. If your body is desperately craving a reset, Prolon by El Nutra can help with just that. Prolon's five day program gives your system a break. It's fasting both food and is pretty much a game changer. Prolon's Fasting Mimicking Diet is a revolutionary plant based nutrition program that nourishes the body while making cells believe they're fasting. Researched and developed for decades at USC's Longevity Institute and backed by leading US medical centers, Prolon helps support healthy blood sugar, enhanced skin appearance, fat loss and improved energy and focus. Post Fast it all starts with their five day program. Snacks, soups, beverages designed to keep your body in a fasting state. No guest work or planning required. You get everything prepackaged ready to go. Each order of Prolon five day program comes with five boxes labeled by day so you know what to eat each day. Three consecutive cycles of Prolon have been shown to reduce your biological age score by an average of 2.5 years and your waist circumference by 1.5 inches. To help you kickstart a health plan that truly works, Prolon is offering Love it or leave it listeners 15% off site wide plus a $40 bonus gift. When you subscribe to their five day nutrition program, just visit prolonlife.com love it. That's P R O L O N l I f e.com love it. To claim your 15 discount and your bonus gift, prolon life.com love it.

Hallie Kiefer (71:32)

When your schedule is packed, it can be difficult to put a wholesome meal on the table. That's where HelloFresh comes in with 50 delicious weekly recipes. Hellofresh has something for everyone. Each box is fully customizable to fit your preferences and delivered to your door so you can skip the grocery store and make something wholesome, easy and affordably. Need something delicious in a flash? Try 15 minute meals that come together in three simple steps or prep and bake meals that are low on prep and mess. No time to cook. Dig into ready made meals that go from fridge to fork in three minutes so you can eat well without the hassle. Go to hellofresh.com hellofresh10 free now to get a free high protein item for life and up to 10 free meals one per box with active subscription free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan.

John Lovett (72:28)

And we're back. Here's a sentence I haven't said once all year. Something cool is happening in dc. Love it or Leave it is returning to the swamp for a live show on Thursday, April 24th. We're back at the Lincoln Theater. It's our what? We're doing a White House correspondence weekend show again, so we thought we'd celebrate the First Amendment while we still have it and bring some gay chaos right to the heart of of the regime. Friends of the Pod subscribers will have exclusive presale access to the best Tickets on Tuesday, March 18th at 12pm Eastern. So please make sure you're subscribed@cricket.com friends if you're subscribed through Apple Podcasts, listen to Terminally online to hear the code. Mmm. Tickets will then go on sale to the general public on Wednesday, March 19th at 12pm Eastern. So come join me and special guests who will be announced soon, but rest assured, they'll be great. Learn more@crooked.com events also at the Crooked Store we have some we have DEI hire T shirts. Get a T shirt that says DEI higher on it. They're great. Crooked.com store I think it's a funny shirt to wear around, you know. And you know, basically everybody can wear it, but not everybody. Almost everybody, but not everybody. Crooked.comstore all right, I don't know if it's pre matrimonial bliss or the majestic beauty of your new documentary, but I've got a pep in my step that I need to share with the world. So in the spirit of finding the light in a sea of Marco Rubios, we're gonna close things out with a game we're calling Silver Linings Gay Book. I have a hat filled with ostensibly annoying things and we're each gonna fish one out and then share one upside of it that's part of the fun.

Ari Schwartz (74:27)

Oh.

Tig Notaro (74:27)

Oh, we love this.

John Lovett (74:32)

Stevin, you wanna kick us off?

Ari Schwartz (74:33)

Yes.

Tig Notaro (74:34)

Oh, my gosh. That is very similar to the hat that. Well, was it a hat or a bucket that we buried my father in?

John Lovett (74:44)

This is that hat.

Tig Notaro (74:45)

It was a straw. It was a. It was. It was a straw hat.

John Lovett (74:49)

This. We thought you would. We got. This is it.

Tig Notaro (74:52)

Thank you.

John Lovett (74:52)

We dug it up.

Tig Notaro (74:53)

Thank you.

John Lovett (74:54)

Crazy thing to do.

Tig Notaro (74:55)

Thank you.

Ari Schwartz (74:57)

Okay. Should read it.

John Lovett (74:58)

Yes.

Ari Schwartz (74:58)

Okay. People who pick up dog poop, put it up, put it in a plastic bag, then leave that bag on the ground. Anyway. Okay.

John Lovett (75:08)

People see the good in there. Okay.

Ari Schwartz (75:11)

Well, it's nice to know that someone's out there with a friend and hanging out with their dog. That it shows.

Tig Notaro (75:22)

It's.

Ari Schwartz (75:22)

You know, they were out there with their companion. It's.

Tig Notaro (75:27)

No, that person said yay as they fell into a hole. Did you hear that?

John Lovett (75:34)

Yay. I didn't know people did that. That they pick up the poop and then they just leave the bag on the ground. Yeah, people do.

Tig Notaro (75:44)

They do do that.

Ari Schwartz (75:47)

I'm trying to think of another positive. That's tough. That's tough.

Tig Notaro (75:55)

It's tough.

Ari Schwartz (75:56)

It's rough littering.

Tig Notaro (76:02)

Thank you. Thank. Thank you.

John Lovett (76:06)

That's what I was talking about earlier.

Tig Notaro (76:07)

Yeah.

John Lovett (76:08)

Number one.

Tig Notaro (76:08)

Yeah. It's like, I don't even write jokes.

John Lovett (76:13)

Do you want to do one?

Tig Notaro (76:14)

Oh, and I'm sorry. I don't understand the game.

Ari Schwartz (76:20)

It's a negative.

John Lovett (76:22)

But you have to find the good in it.

Tig Notaro (76:23)

Oh, I have to find the good in it. Well, the positive to that is that they're clearly in the process of being cleaned. Cause. Yes. And they smelled terribly before and so had to dunk them in the water to. Right before we put soap on them. You know, gotta clean em. It's really positive, what I'm telling you.

John Lovett (76:46)

Absolutely.

Tig Notaro (76:47)

What I'm telling you is really good news.

John Lovett (76:52)

Yeah.

Ari Schwartz (76:53)

Yeah.

John Lovett (76:53)

No, totally.

Tig Notaro (76:55)

Yeah. And it took me, like, a year to come up with that, but I feel like I.

John Lovett (77:04)

I'm gonna make them a flawed. I like that.

Tig Notaro (77:08)

I like you, too.

John Lovett (77:09)

I said that?

Tig Notaro (77:10)

Yes, I said you.

John Lovett (77:14)

All right. Mine is loud chewing. Here's the thing. It's gross, you know, because for whatever reason, chewing of food evokes something primitive in us that we don't like the sound of it. I don't totally understand why. But if you take away that kind of gut, that sort of instinctive revulsion, which isn't really based in anything, doesn't do anything to you. Someone chewing loudly isn't bad for you. Doesn't hurt you. Really. What you're just experiencing is somebody really enjoying their food and they're just having a good time. You know, they're eating as if they're alone. And let's all be honest, we do some of our best eating alone. Some of the most fun we have eating is eating we do by ourselves when we're in the privacy of our own little home, you know, and sometimes you realize you've eaten most of what you're supposed to eat before you even chose something on Netflix, you know, and then you say, stop it, John. Stop it. The part of the fun of this is that you choose something great to watch, but you're still cycling through different YouTube videos about college entrance exam math questions that you're almost done with. This Lebanese chicken wrap.

Tig Notaro (78:29)

Can I. I feel like we need to rework our answers.

John Lovett (78:36)

Would you like to go again?

Tig Notaro (78:37)

No.

Ari Schwartz (78:39)

Mine is someone had a friend.

Tig Notaro (78:41)

That's a dog. I know. Mine's like, oh, it'll be clean. They already know.

John Lovett (78:45)

Tig. Stephanie, is it over? It is.

Tig Notaro (78:47)

Oh, this is so fun. I love you, John.

John Lovett (78:51)

I love you. I love both of you. This is such a pleasure.

Tig Notaro (78:53)

It was such a pleasure.

John Lovett (78:53)

I'm so excited you were here for this episode.

Tig Notaro (78:55)

I know.

Ari Schwartz (78:56)

I'm so happy for you guys.

Tig Notaro (78:57)

Truly.

John Lovett (78:57)

Yeah, we're good.

Tig Notaro (78:58)

Truly.

John Lovett (78:59)

We're actually really good.

Tig Notaro (79:00)

It's really exciting to be in love and want to and want to fight indoors.

John Lovett (79:09)

I can't wait to see what our fights indoors are about. That is our show. Thank you. Thank you so much To Tig Notaro, Stephanie Allen, Ari Halle. We'll see you next week at Dynasty typewriter. There are 598 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend. Love it or leave it is a crooked media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer, Bill McGrath is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Kaufmann, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Will Miles are our writers. Jordan Kanter is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Cher. Sure. Thanks to our designer, Sammy Cadearna Rees for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And thanks to our digital producers, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, Delon Villanueva and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week. Our head of production is Matt de Groat, our head of programming is Madeline Herringer, and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America.

Tig Notaro (80:18)

East.

Hallie Kiefer (80:43)

Last year, Americans ate 32 billion chicken wings. Who knows just how many helpless sides of celery were heartlessly thrown away? But this year, celery neglect can stop with you and irresistible Jif peanut butter.

Tig Notaro (80:58)

Because you can make a snack to make a difference.

Hallie Kiefer (81:02)

You can buy a jar of Jif to save the celery. So please don't let celery be decoration for wings. Tap the banner to save the celery. Ready to optimize your nutrition this year? Meet Factor America's number one Ready to Eat meal service. Factor's Fresh, Never Frozen meals are dietitian approved and ready to eat in just two minutes. Their chefs handle the shopping and chopping, delivering fresh, fully cooked meals to your door. All you have to do is heat and Enjoy. Choose from 40 weekly options across eight dietary preferences like Calorie Smart, Protein plus, and Keto. And if you're looking to lose weight, Factor's Keto meals can help you lose up to 8 pounds in eight weeks. Savor Nutritious premium meals no matter how busy life gets. Eat smart with Factor get started@factormeals.com Factor 50 off and use code Factor 50 off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Weight loss with Factor Keto based on randomized controlled clinical trial results will vary depending on diet and exercise.