John Lovett (1:59)
Washington, D.C. it is great to be back at the Lincoln Theater. We have got a great show for you tonight. Senator Chris Murphy is here. Simone Sanders Townsend and Eugene Daniels are here. We are here on the eve of the White House Correspondent's Dinner. I can't wait for that mentalist to read Trump's mind and then run into traffic. Just comes screaming out of that Hilton ballroom. But until then, let's get into it. What a week. We're all living through a fascinating experiment. What happens when the President builds an administration around loyalty to him and. And not loyalty to the country. We're the modern day Marie Curie. And by that, I mean this experiment will kill us. Plus, babe, we're glowing. To get a top job in the administration, these people must be willing to completely embarrass themselves for Trump. But the only people willing to do that would never qualify for these jobs on the merits. You sold your soul to the devil and yet you still suck at baseball. It's like, I can have funny writers or writers who tell me that all my jokes are funny, but not both. Take FBI Director Cash Patel, please. Last Friday, the Atlantic reported that Patel was regularly getting drunk at private lounges in Washington and Las Vegas. It was unreachable during unexplained absences. Trash Patel over here. According to the Atlantic's two dozen sources, Patel was known to drink to excess at the private club ned's here in D.C. and the poodle Room in the Fontainebleau Hotel in Las Vegas where he hangs out on the weekend. And the Poodle Room is a very exclusive place. Okay. This is directly from the website. Access to the Poodle Room is granted exclusively to active members, guests staying in Fleur de Lis suites, and select American Express cardholders. Yeah, they don't let anybody in there unless they have $500, which you get back. Which you basically get back. Get it back. Get it back. At Lululemon, it's like, no. Now, I'd make fun of Kash Patel, but he does belong at the Poodle Club. He's high strung, neurotic, prone to separation anxiety, quite vocal and reactive, easily matted, nervous around strangers. And I think it is with him fair to worry about hip dysplasia. At times. Patel's security detail reportedly had trouble waking him because he was plastered. When reached for comments, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegses said, that is so unprofessional. If you're going to drink that much, do a little bump. You fucking pussy. On one occasion. Grow up. On one occasion last year, Patel's security detail made a request for SWAT style breaching equipment because he was unresponsive in a locked room. According to this report, multiple officials said they worried that Patel's behavior constituted a threat to public safety and that the FBI would be unprepared for a terrorist attack. Ironic. He's not prepared for another 9, 11. When those are the directions his eyes point. I'm loving. Woke, too. Patel is also paranoid. Earlier this month, he reportedly found himself locked out of a computer system and freaked out that he had been fired. It is so cool that he's paranoid and totally unprepared for the actual worst case scenarios of his job. He's like a hypochondriac who loves the taste of doorknobs. But Patel isn't in this job because he's qualified or capable. He's in this job because he's committed to targeting Trump's political enemies. Almost as committed as he is to getting the Poodle Room to add the cash to its cocktail menu, which it refuses to do because a bottle of Bud Light that you have to drink real fast is not a cocktail. The New York Times reported this week that the FBI began investigating one of the paper's reporters last month following an article about Patel enlisting SWAT teams to provide with full time security, which is obviously unethical. That man should not have a girlfriend. And this is neither here nor there, but cash, my man. How many piping hot dudes do you want around your girlfriend 24 hours a day? Making her feel safe. They don't make endless movies and TV shows about bodyguards because people don't want to fuck their bodyguards. Whitney Houston doesn't sing I will always love off screen boyfriend. Playing with fire, buddy. On Monday, Patel sued the Atlantic and the story's author, Sarah Fitzpatrick for defamation, accusing them of, quote, publishing an article replete with false and obviously fabricated allegations designed to destroy Director Patel's reputation and drive him from office. Patel would have driven himself from office, but he failed the Breathalyzer. A day later, the FBI director addressed this story publicly. I'm on the job. I'm the first one in. I'm the last one out. I'm like an everyday American who loves his country, loves the sport of hockey, and champions my friends when they raise a gold medal and invite me in to celebrate. I've never been intoxicated on the job. And that is why we filed a $250 million defamation lawsuit. But the DOJ ethics handbook actually says that an employee is prohibited from habitually using alcohol or other intoxicants to excess, on or off duty. This isn't one of those jobs where you can knock off work and go get blasted like podcaster or defense secretary. And speaking of the devil, on Tuesday, Secretary of Defensiveness Pete Hegseth announced that the Pentagon will stop requiring service members from getting annual flu vaccines. Yes, at long last, we're addressing our greatest military weakness. Troops too healthy. Let's take a look. Under the disastrous Biden administration, this Pentagon waged an unrelenting war on our warriors on Many fronts. You know what I'm talking about. What happened? COVID 19. And the vaccine? No more. We're seizing this moment to discard any absurd overreaching mandates that only weaken our war fighting capabilities. In this case, this includes the universal flu vaccine and the mandate behind it. One problem. Yes, Biden is old, but not that old. We've had a flu vaccine mandate since 1945. We were pretty excited about the flu vaccine back then because the flu killed 45,000 soldiers during World War I. In 1918, doctors for the American Expeditionary Force in Europe sent 340,000 soldiers to the hospital for the flu. That is more than were hospitalized for injuries sustained in combat. The Army Surgeon General wanted to stop sending soldiers to France until the epidemic subsided. But the Germans were in retreat, the war was almost over, and Pershing needed reinforcements. They tried to get me to cut this.
