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Love it or leave it. Brought to you by Mint Mobile. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping your money too. If you're fed up with crazy high wireless bills, bogus fees and free perks that actually cost more in the long run, you need to switch to Mint Mobile. Crooked Media's Nina was fed up with the hidden fees on her previous plan. She had it. She had enough. She had one of those big wireless carriers. So she made the switch to Mint Mobile. Now she's saving big bucks. She no longer has to worry about bogus fees or hidden costs on her monthly bill. Stop overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been. Mint exists. Purely to fix that. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at 15 bucks a month. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Bring your own phone and number, activate with ESIM in minutes and start saving immediately. No long term contracts, no hassle. Ditched overpriced wireless and get three months of premium wireless service from Mint Mobile for 15 bucks a month. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at Mint mobile.com/love it. That's mint mobile.com/love it. Upfront payment of $45 for three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 per month. New customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details.
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The country feels like it's falling apart right before our eyes and the people inside it are being silenced. So we're going to East 26th street and Nicollet Avenue, which is where Alex Preddy was executed by ICE and Border Patrol. That is not a headline. That is a human life and it is all happening right now. Do you worry about your own safety
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being involved in all this?
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C
Yes.
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But it doesn't really feel like there's another option, you know? And of course they use a 5 year old child as bait. And of course they're doing all these horrible bad things because they don't know what they're doing. They've been told that they're going to
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get rid of the worst of the worst, then they have absolute immunity and
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they've been told that nothing they do
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will they ever be held accountable for.
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On my show, Runaway country, we go where the headlines hit home. From communities under threat to the people fighting to Be heard. New episodes of Runaway country drop every Thursday. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube.
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A
Notice how some homes sell faster in your neighborhood? It's not luck. It's local. Know how RE Max agents know their streets, schools, and communities inside and out. And with RE Max, those local pros are everywhere. Which means when you're ready to buy or sell, you'll get trusted neighborhood insight that puts you a step ahead. Reach out today. ReMax the experts close to home. Each office independently owned and operated. What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love it or Leave it live from Dynasty Typewriter. Wow. What a great show we have tonight. What a great crowd we have tonight. Good to see all of you. We've got a great show for you tonight. Nick Offerman is here. Milana Vayntrub is here. Together, we're gonna cover it all. We're carving wood. We're exploring space. We're selling risque pics. All my New Year's resolutions in one show. And of course, we'll round up our show with some second thoughts. But first, let's get into it. What a week.
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Consequences,
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Consequences. Is that the consequences siren? Is it? Is someone facing consequences? I didn't even realize that that alarm still worked. It's been so long since we've heard it. Last time we blew it was when we realized Joe Biden was old. Yes, on Thursday, Donald Trump broke the news that he had fired the Secretary of Homeland Security. And person who's sorry she doesn't have any. And person who's sorry she doesn't have any cash for tip. Kristi Noem. Kristi Noem is out. This came after a terrible week for Noem in which she struggled to defend herself in a series of brutal hearings in Congress. In comparison to other forays on Capitol Hill, I would say Noem's performance ranked somewhere between Pam Bondi and Ashley Babbitt in terms of making it out alive. Democrat. Yeah, it's a tough one. It's a tough one. It's a tough one for sure. Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse pressed noem on the $70 million luxury jet that DHS claimed was for deportation flights, but which Noem used to fly around the country.
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C
Would you explain this,
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B
Sir? I'm looking at a picture of an interior.
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A
Looks like a bedroom of an airplane. Mm. Yes, sir.
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C
What kind of deportee justifies being flown out of the country in a luxury jet with a bedroom and accommodations like this?
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A
Well, she made her bed. Now she has to lie about it. But who is she flying with. At any time during your tenure as director of Department of Homeland Security, have
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B
you had sexual relations with Corey Lewandowski? Mr. Chairman, I am shocked that we're
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going down and peddling tabloid garbage in this committee today. So Noem doesn't deny it, which makes it sound like that plane was being used to deport loads from Corey Lewandowsk. Jesus Christ, Hallie. My mother listens to this. For his part, Lewandowski recently told reporters, I asked Noam to do it doggy style. She damn near shot me. Get no respect. All right, we're coming in hot today. We're coming in hot. But in the end, the brutality of Minnesota, the poorly trained mass agents, the violations of dozens of court orders, the lies about Alex Preddy being a dom, terrorists, the photo op in front of prisoners at a Salvadoran gulag, the Mile High affair. That's not what ultimately got her shit canned. When you list it all out, though, it's pretty crazy. She held it on. She held on as long as she did. She must have felt invincible. I bet she didn't even wear her seatbelt on that sex plane. Noem testified in the hearings that Trump had approved a $220 million ad campaign that promoted most of all Kristi Noem. Here is a clip from that ad campaign. Why do I love these wide open spaces?
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B
They remind me of why our forefathers came here, not just for its beauty, but for the freedom only America provides.
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I'm Kristi Noem. Of course, $220 million may seem like a lot of money for these ads, but they did have to do a lot of takes. But she kept forgetting her lines and shooting the hors. Trump was reportedly so incensed at Noem's claim that he approved the ad campaign that he started asking congressional Republicans whether he should fire her or give Israel her coordinates, suggested Lindsey Graham, before adding, I'm sorry, that's crazy. It's a crazy thing to say. I'm just so amped right now. Trump's announcement, which he posted to Truth Social, came while Kristi Noem was speaking at a law enforcement conference in Nashville. Here's our gal at work. It reminded me of the quote that is often attributed to George Orwell that states, people sleep peacefully in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalves. When it comes to Noem's run at dhs, all's Orwell. That ends Orwell. Now, I do want to point out there's no actual evidence that Orwell said That it's a made up quote. But that's fine, because I think it's fitting Noem leaves the stage as she entered, an incompetent moron who constantly makes shit up. It offends me as a speech that she's going to brainyquotes.com to pull fake fucking Orwell quotes. Or as Lincoln once said, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you. Or it might have been Gandhi. I think that might have been actually Gandhi. It's falsely attributed to Lincoln. It's a Gandhi quote. Ironically, Trump has said Nome will now become the very real sounding special envoy to the Shield of the Americas, a new security initiative for the Western Hemisphere. In other words, Nome was so bad at running the Department of Homeland Security, she managed to get herself deported to Latin America. Trump said that he will nominate Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullen to replace her. Just a reminder, Mullen is an election denier who once challenged the head of the Teamsters to a fight during a Senate hearing. This is a time, this is a place if you want to run your mouth. We can be two consenting adults.
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C
We can finish it here.
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A
Okay, that's fine. Perfect. You wanna do it now?
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C
I'd love to do it right now.
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A
Well, stand your butt up then.
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C
You stand your butt up. Oh, hold up.
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A
Stop it.
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C
Is that your solution every problem? No, no. Sit down, Sit down. Look at you. You know, you're a United States senator. Honestly.
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A
Perfect. No notes. Love is passion. I think it's good for a DHS secretary to be somebody that gets in bar fights without being drunk or anywhere near a bar. Also, earlier this week, Mullen walked himself into a trap as to whether or not our country was currently in war. This is war, and we're taking out the threat. We all concede this is war.
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B
We haven't declared war.
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A
They declared war on us, but we haven't declared.
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C
They called it war.
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What I was saying. Okay, well, that was misspoke. What I was saying is they declared war on us, but war is ugly. Okay, not a great communicator, but maybe he's amazing at having sex with Corey Lewandowski. Meanwhile, as Trump was making a few regime changes at home, he was also doing so abroad. Friday night, as Americans emerged from a Brandy Carlisle concert at the KIA Forum in Los Angeles. We found out that the US And Israel had bombed Iran. The strikes killed Iran's supreme leader, Ali Khamenei. Sure. And set off a conflict that spread across the region. For those who aren't experts. In the Iranian system, a supreme leader is just a normal leader. But they add tomatoes and sour cream. Thank you. At least Khamenei died doing what he loved, meeting with top advisors in a compound that was far less secure than he realized. Oil and gas prices have surged, stock markets have dropped, and the US Closed its embassies in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and Beirut amid retaliatory drone strikes. Federal officials have urged Americans across the region to get out as soon as possible. But with many airports closed and the government not offering assistance, it's not clear how they're supposed to do that. It's just too many people to do an Argo. Officials have also suggested that if Americans are unable to flee, they consider making themselves useful by governing Iran. Trump later explained why there was so much of a scramble to alert Americans abroad.
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B
Commercial air travel right now is severely restricted in the Middle east and thousands of Americans are stranded. Why wasn't there an evacuation plan? And who do you send planes to get people out?
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C
Well, because it happened all very quickly.
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A
Why wasn't there a plan? Because we didn't make one, dumbass. Next question. But hey, at least the administration's explanations for why they started this war have been contradictory and incomprehensible. Administration officials said they had reason to believe Iran was planning a preemptive strike, a claim that Pentagon officials denied the next day. That's how little they think of us. It's like someone texting you that they can't make it to your birthday because they're sick and out of town. And then you check Instagram and there they are bombing Iran and they don't look sick at all. Also on Saturday, Trump announced that this was a regime change mission, delivering this message to the Iranian opposition.
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When we are finished take over your government, it will be yours to take. America is backing you with overwhelming strength and devastating force. Now is the time to seize control of your destiny and to unleash the prosperous and glorious future that is close within your reach.
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Yes, sir, responded the leader of a brand new organization called Turbo Hezbollah, continued Trump. Again, this is just a message for Iran. Americans, do not seize control of your destiny. Do not unleash the prosperous and glorious future. Maybe go to the movies. You people like movies? By Monday, the message had changed. Here's Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. This is not a so called regime change war, but the regime sure did change. This is not a so called gin and tonic for breakfast, but the breakfast does include a gin and tonic. Hegseth also offered this helpful Clarification. No stupid rules of engagement. No nation building quagmire. No democracy building exercise. No politically correct wars. What is a politically correct war? Like, if Kamala were president, we bombed Iran. What would be different? Do the bombs have pronouns? No plastic straws on the submarines. Is Hannah Gadsby in the Situation Room? We should be better at war than comedy. All right, that's a stray. That's a stray. That's a stray. That's a stray. Wasn't a funny special time. You can face it now. Cut all this. I don't want that. I don't want it. Ah, leave it in. No, stop it. Even JD Vance seems to have dispatched sources to tell reporters that he was personally opposed to the strikes after the New York Times reported that Vance had argued for the US to go big and go fast if it were to attack Iran. Classic JD Trying to have his cake and bomb it, too. Secretary of State Marco Rubio, meanwhile, was back on the imminent threat beat on Monday. The imminent threat being that Iran was about to be attacked by Israel. We knew that there was going to be an Israeli action. We knew that that would precipitate an attack against American forces. And we knew that if we didn't preemptively go after them before they launched those attacks, we would suffer higher casualties. There absolutely was an imminent threat. And the imminent threat was that we knew that if Iran was attacked and we believed they would be attacked, that they would immediately come after us, and we were not going to sit there and absorb a blow before we responded. Pretty shocking thing to hear from the President of Venezuela. So. So there was an imminent threat to us because Israel was an imminent threat to Iran. Great day for conspiracy theorists trying to convince the world that Jews control everything. Less good for guys with the middle name Ira who struggle to digest dair. It was also a strange comment from Rubio, especially after the chairman of the Joint Chiefs said that Israel had acted on US Intelligence.
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C
This was a daylight strike based on a trigger event conducted by the Israeli Defense Forces, enabled by the US Intelligence community.
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So, good news. Israel didn't start the war. We started the war through Israel. Does that help? Is that better? We're Israel's puppet, but also Israel is our puppet. And whose hand is that? Oh, God, it's Corey Lewandowski. Rubio ultimately walked this statement back, but the damage was done. So don't worry. They sent out the fixer, Lindsey Graham, to make clear that it doesn't even matter if the attack was imminent, even though that's the justification for The President to act without Congress.
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C
And it doesn't have to be imminent to me.
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A
Because you don't want it to be imminent, Right? The whole idea is for it not to be imminent, dumbass. You want to prevent it from being imminent. Wow, Lindsey Graham, thank God you went through that time machine because that baby you killed would have grown up to be Hitler. That baby was who. Now, See, that one was your fault. On Wednesday, White House Press Secretary Caroline Levitt, no relation. Offered a new explanation.
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B
The President had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons,
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A
the President had a feeling. America has gone to war for many reasons over our history, but this is the first time an administration has claimed to go to war because the vibes
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C
were off,
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A
which is where we're at. We're at war without approval from Congress. We don't know why the war began, how long the conflict will last, or how the administration defines success. Four Democrats joined with Republicans to block a War powers resolution in the House. Pennsylvania Senator and guy who tricked us with those hoodies. John Fetterman joined. Hoodies represent something, a kind of energy. Our culture is not your costume. John Fetterman. Fetterman joined with every Republican except Rand Paul to block a war powers resolution in the Senate. And shame on every one of them. Meanwhile, the administration has offered goals as varied as targeting the nuclear program we already obliterated to destroying the regime and preventing it from projecting power in the region, whatever that means. They seem to have underestimated or failed to consider the downside risks, too. Here's Trump riffing about it. I guess the worst case would be
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C
we do this and then somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, right? That could happen.
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A
Yeah, man. But hey, by then it'll be a Democrat's problem and by extension, a Democrat's fault. They can't even see the deaths of Americans as anything more than a political problem. This is what the fake news misses. We've taken control of Iran's airspace and waterways. Without boots on the ground, we control their fate. But when a few drones get through or tragic things happen, it's front page news. I get it. The press only wants to make the President look bad, but try for once to report the reality. Yeah, man. When Americans die in a war, it's front page news. Where do you think it goes? Arts and leisure? Sports? Under the jumble? Also, who is this toned for the journalists who think you're a moron, the MAGA influencers who also think you're a moron, the generals who think you're a moron. Who are you trying to impress? Corey Lewandowski. Meanwhile, the war in Iran is allegedly costing the United States over a billion dollars every day. But it's worth it, no matter how much it costs US Taxpayers. Said Israel. A billion dollars. At this rate, over a year, you could cover the health care costs of over 20 million people with enough money left over to buy a new sex plane for Kristi Noem every single day. The next debate will be over funding this war. Politico reports that the administration may ask Congress to approve $50 billion in emergency funding on top of the nearly $1 trillion Congress has already provided to the Pentagon. And while Chris Murphy said other than Fetterman he didn't believe there would be other votes for it, a few other senators didn't rule it out. There were big, contentious fights over funding the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan after those wars had begun. But those were both conflicts that Congress had already approved. This would mean, in this case, that the president can start a war without Congress, without even explaining why we're at war, really. And that lawlessness becomes leverage to create pressure for Congress to fund the war as if it had been improved from the start. Why bother having a Congress at all? Just turn the Capitol into America's most beautiful spirit. Halloween. Oh, look, it's the terrorist. No, that's Mitch McConnell. And I can see the arguments. Trump is depleting resources. We need to defend our interests outside of this conflict, and we don't want to be vulnerable to our adversaries. And this war has destabilized the region and created new threats. And while I didn't support Trump's decision to start the war, that doesn't change the current reality. But at each turn, it's like we have to relearn the lesson of having someone with Trump's nature in power. Yes, there are costs in trying to stop him, but inevitably, the cost of stopping Trump will be exceeded by the cost of enabling him. The only question is if we as a country will learn that lesson before or after it's too late, or never. We may just never crack it. One more story before we go. This week, a math teacher named Tom Chan was placed on indefinite leave from San Francisco's Lowell High School after it was discovered he'd filled his math quizzes with problems that were very problematic. And I know what you're thinking. Oh, no. Woke is back. You can't make a joke anymore. Wait, wait. On a Valentine's Day theme quiz, students were told the amount of money you spend on a date varies inversely to how much they weigh. A typical girl that weighs 120 pounds will cost you $55. And then the students were asked that on a date with Ashley, how much will it cost if she weighs 220 pounds? Some of the questions had nothing to do with math. According to the San Francisco Chronicle, one quiz asked, how tall are you? And how much do you weigh? Another asked, when was the last time you gave candy to a fat kid? And finally, pick one. Pretty or smart? And why? That one's actually a good question. I pick pretty because sure, smart got me to where I am today. But where I am today is on camera. As for the teacher, he was obviously removed from the classroom. But don't worry, he got a new job. Special envoy to the Shield of the Americas. All right, we've got a great show for you tonight. Coming up next, it's Nick Offerman. Hey, don't go anywhere.
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C
There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.
- [23:07]
A
Love it or Leave it is brought to you by Helix. How are you preparing for springtime? Are you upgrading your home with a Helix mattress? You should. You're doing a spring cleaning. Get rid of that piece of mattress you're sleeping on. Throw it out the window. Out the window. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. Helix makes buying a mattress easy. Take the Helix Sleep quiz and it will match you with the perfect mattress based on your personal preferences and sleep needs. Get free shipping and seamless delivery. Helix offers your mattress right to your door with free shipping. In the US The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress so you can rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges. Helix offers a 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. I love my Helix mattress. So comfortable. This morning I was so comfortable I just decided to sleep right through the gym. Just slept right through it. I just said, you know what?
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C
Your fault.
- [23:58]
A
Helix mattress. You know what? Not today. Not today, Peter. That's what I said. I said I'm not going today. Not going to the gym this morning. I'm staying in this comfortable bed for an extra 45 minutes and that's what I did. I like that mattress. I have a Dawnlux. That's what it's called. Helixsleep.com love it for 27% off sitewide. That's helixsleep.com love it For 27% off site wide. This offer is exclusive to Love it or Leave it listeners. Make sure you enter our show name at checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com loveit. Love it or Leave it is brought to you by cookunity. Here we are in the winter, and boy, I like comfort foods in the winter. Things like meatloaf.
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C
Meatloaf.
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A
Quintessentially American food. Should be at every Super Bowl. Every Super Bowl. That's what I have. Every Super Bowl. Big old meatloaf. Meatloaf. I also like Mac and cheese. Mac and cheese is great comfort food. Great comfort food. Cookunity makes eating, well, effortless and rewarding. Delivering chef crafted meals straight to your door so you can save time on planning and cooking while enjoying exceptional quality and value in every bite. Explore CookUnity's February menus and discover how chefs are redefining seasonal eating through foods that nourish, fuel, and inspire. I want to be inspired by my dinner. I want to eat my dinner and be like, I have an idea for a movie about this. I look at my dinner every night. Tears. Tears. Yeah, tears. They well up. John and I love cook Unity. John has cooked Unity all the time. I have cooked Unity all the time. I have cooked Unity. It's coming to the office today and I'm gonna go. I have it. Come right to the office. That's mine. That's my cook. Unity downstairs. That's mine. I was wondering why it was down there. I got things I really like. They have a marry me chicken dish that's really good. They have a Waldorf chicken salad that's great because you don't have to heat that up. You just take that out, you eat it. I really like that. They have a lot of like, like asada bowls that are great. There's a breakfast burrito that was excellent. It's great. Cause I get. I'll just tell you what I do. I get six meals a week, and that's just six times during the week. Maybe it's breakfast, maybe it's dinner that I just don't have to think about anything else. Meals are delivered fully cooked. Just heat up in as little as five minutes. Even less choose from rotating seasonal menus of over 300 meals. Or CookUnity's platform provides personal recommendations in select cities. Your meal delivery will come in an insulated bag that they'll pick up for you as part of their eco friendly Reusable bag problem. I got a couple of bags stacked at home. I got to bring those in for next week. Commitment. Free subscriptions start as low as $11 per meal. Skip deliveries. Pause or cancel anytime. Taste, comfort and craftsmanship in every bite. From the award winning chefs behind CookUnity. Go to cookunity.com LOL I cookunity.com LOL. Enter code lowly before checkout to get 50% off your first order. That's 50% off your first order by using code L O L I or going to cookcommunity.com. And we're back. Before we bring out our guest, a couple notes. First of all, love it or leave it is coming to D.C. on April 23rd at the Lincoln Theater. It's a tradition during White House correspondence dinner weekend. It's always a really fun show. We are less than two months out. The tickets are going fast. So get those tickets as we're going to line up some pretty amazing guests and pretty exciting maybes. We'll announce those guests soon. And some incredible no's. Really cool people saying no to this one. Tickets on sale now. Grab them@crooked.com events and please subscribe to Crooked's Friend of the Pod community. We have been putting out these new episodes called Pod Save America. Only Friends. They're really fun to do. It's a Pod Save America that's just for subscribers. It's pretty loose. We run through the news. We share our real opinions. We have a bunch of other great stuff. Polar Coaster with Dan Pfeiffer which people love Terminally Online. Our show about the rabbit holes we're going down. So please subscribe. You get great stuff. You get ad free episodes and it helps us build a independent media company. We need more of it. We need to get more content out there. That is the best way you can support what we're doing. So please, please, please subscribe. It really does help us crooked.com friends. All right, you can see my next guest on his upcoming woodworking comedy tour. Put your handsaws together for Nick Offerman. Look at this. Beloved, beloved, beloved.
- [28:11]
C
This crowd is juiced.
- [28:12]
A
They're juiced up. Cause they love you. Can I tell you something? I finished Death by Lightning last night. It is fucking awesome.
- [28:20]
C
Oh, thank you so much.
- [28:21]
A
I loved it and you are so good in it.
- [28:23]
C
God, thank you.
- [28:24]
A
I really was. It's excellent. I was really blown away. The only criticism I have of it is like four episodes. What a tease.
- [28:31]
C
Yeah.
- [28:31]
A
What a tease with four episodes.
- [28:34]
C
Well, I mean that's you know, endemic of our business right now. It's the story of James Garfield. It was on Netflix and his vice. I play his vice president, Chester Arthur. And there's no fucking way it should have been made. Like, no. It's so outside the algorithm. But this really smart guy named Mike Makowski adapted it from Candice Millard's wonderful book. And one guy at Netflix, it's the guy who greenlit the Queen's Gambit, which is the biggest hit they've ever had. So this guy has a golden ticket. And every once a year, he can green light something. And he was like, I like this weird James Garfield thing. It's the producers of Game of Thrones, Benioff and Weiss. Like, it's a fucking gorgeous show.
- [29:23]
A
It's awesome. And thank you. What's funny about that, too, is, like, if you're the guy that makes the chess show that's a hit, they'll let you do whatever, you know? Like, we're gonna tell the guy that made chess a hit that he's wrong. I'm not gonna be the stupid person that does that.
- [29:36]
C
It's true. Satisfyingly, he did get fired then after death by lightning. And I think he's at Amazon now.
- [29:46]
A
Tough town. Tough town. It's a tough business. It's a tough business. Now your sixth book is out now. It is about woodworking. It's called Little Woodchucks Offerman Woodshop's Guide to Tools and Tomfoolery. Did you notice that my hands are kind of supple and soft, but also wet?
- [30:03]
C
I did. I did. I mean, you have that. You have calluses from the space bar and the shift key.
- [30:12]
A
Yeah, I don't. Your hand doesn't get worn from Pilates. You don't get the tough working man's hand from core stuff.
- [30:23]
C
You know, my hands are also pretty soft. I've been working a lot more as an actor than a woodworker, but I still maintain my wood shop. But the beauty of this, of my book, is that you don't have to become a laborer. You don't have to split all the firewood to heat your house all year. But if you learn to split firewood or if you hammer a nail or get a saw and some boards and just build a porch or a doghouse, I'm telling you, it is so much more empowering. And you will get so much more of a boner or lady boner or whatever sort of boner you get. So much more than any video game you can play, than any bullshit Any software can deliver you. It's creating your own world. It's curating your own physical life. I'm telling you, you will blow your load.
- [31:22]
A
That's a. I didn't know it was like that. I didn't know it was like that. I made stuff at camp, but I never. I was before I had loads.
- [31:34]
C
And the thing is, it's a gateway. Many people don't get into woodworking, but you go to the hardware store and you see a workshop for like stained glass windows or welding or blacksmithing. You can make so many things. You can become a maker of lasagna. Or maybe you don't build things. Maybe you become an architect and you design things. Orgasms are a thing you can make with your hands and be paid handsomely to do.
- [32:02]
A
Does feel like you're fighting for something which is whether it's video games or social media. You get a little hit over and over and over again. But you have to really commit to something like building or cooking or anything off the screen. And it does require more of an investment. But then there's more of a payoff. But you gotta convince people to make that investment.
- [32:26]
C
It's true. And all kidding aside, it is like a physical relationship. That's why there are so many incels. There are so many people being isolated because it's much easier to pleasure yourself. But there's. Now this is just. I've only read about this, but those who have crunched the numbers say that the. The returns are diminishing. Whereas if you put in the work and make yourself vulnerable to a stack of lumber or to a lovemaking partner, the payoff is a house over a roof over your head or a child or. You know.
- [33:06]
A
And do you find that it's sort of a beneficial thing for you to compare your loved one too lumber. And does that lead to the kind of lovemaking that you would like in your life?
- [33:20]
C
Look, I'm married to the goddess Megan Mullally, who there are things that she does like rough, but those things are not in the bedroom.
- [33:36]
A
So like finishes say on a countertop.
- [33:37]
C
Yeah. She loves to sand walnut. Yeah, she likes coarse grit.
- [33:51]
A
Chester A. Arthur. So I feel like you're making these interesting choices. So Death by Lightning. It is about the story of what happens to James Garfield, but it's also about this battle between corruption and people who actually want to invest and believe in people. You made this other movie, Sovereign, which is about the. It's based on a real story, but it's about these so called sovereign citizens, communities People that believe they're not beholden to our laws. And, like, I feel like you're searching for something in the things you're doing about this moment. And I was thinking about Sovereign. And, like, there are these videos, these viral videos of. And you'll see them. It's somebody getting pulled over and saying, I don't have to give you my driver's license. I don't respond to your laws. I'm a sovereign citizen. And there's a sadness to it, because then these people end up in courts. They're underprepared, and they're not, you know, the system comes down on them, but you kind of understand what they're fighting against. This feeling like you're kind of trapped in a kind of binding system that you didn't make.
- [34:56]
C
Yeah, it's interesting. It seems like I'm choosing these things, but strangely, they are organically the projects that are coming to me. And I'm very grateful for it because this movie, Sovereign, which nobody saw from last year, the film, the Filmmaker should win a fucking Oscar. It's so well written and directed. His name's Christian Swaggle. But the thing is, I get it. If you watch the trailer, it's a. It's like a January 6th guy or a QAnon guy, and you're like, I don't want to fucking watch that. That's what's happening. Like, I want to watch, you know, Zendaya's tits. Like, I. You know, or chess. I want something about chess.
- [35:43]
A
Yeah, or like, maybe like a kind of intricate look at a president in the late 1800s, during the late Gilded Age.
- [35:50]
C
But. But I'm so, Like, my agent sent me this script, and it's simply, you. You hit the nail on the head. This movie humanizes this guy. And. And I thought it was so important, and I do. I think it's so moving. Because, you see, why someone. Why good people who are just trying to, like, find love or give love in their lives end up at January 6th or end up in these situations where they're. They. They feel betrayed by the country, by the system, where they're like, I. I need a way out. And these particular people are just as misguided as Fox News viewers, where they're just getting bad information. This guy, in fact, goes around giving seminars, and he makes money telling people, you don't have to pay attention to the Constitution federally or on the state level. Here's how you parse the language. And people are like, great, here's money. But then they get Pulled over and they're like, I don't. You know. And the cops are like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're going to jail. You know, I'm not subject to the
- [36:56]
A
jurisdiction of the county police. It's like, for the hell you're not.
- [36:59]
C
Yeah, but this movie is so moving, despite my participation. This kid, Jacob Tremblay, plays my son. He's gorgeous. He makes me cry my eyes out. I couldn't recommend it more. It doesn't look like a good time, but it's so powerfully moving. And also, Dennis Quaid is in it, and he, unfortunately, is a crazy Trump guy with a gospel record.
- [37:32]
A
In the film or in real life?
- [37:33]
C
In real life.
- [37:34]
A
Oh, oh, that's right.
- [37:36]
C
He exploded right after we finished the movie. He suddenly came out with a gospel country record and went on Tucker Carlson and fucking Hannity to play his Trump gospel songs. And we were like, what?
- [37:53]
A
What?
- [37:53]
C
I mean, he's a Dennis Quaid. He's a hero of my life. Like, I've looked up to him.
- [37:57]
A
He's great.
- [37:57]
C
He's a great actor.
- [37:58]
A
Wait, I thought his brother was the one that was here.
- [38:00]
C
He was very crazy, and he went away. But Dennis, like, kept it under wraps until just last year. Yeah.
- [38:10]
A
Huh. Interesting.
- [38:11]
C
But he's now gone. He was just on Air Force One. He just was on a flight. Like, he was. It was a news story that he was the first person to know about Iran.
- [38:22]
B
What?
- [38:23]
C
Fucking Dennis Quaid?
- [38:24]
A
I was at the Brandi Carlisle concert. Missed the whole goddamn thing. Just me and a bunch of kind of. In the Venn diagram between theater kids and lesbians, I mean, in a great way. Chill out. Changing subjects. Did all your work with Wood prepare you to play a gay character on the Last of Us?
- [38:42]
C
Uh, I've never. I've never had it couch approached quite that way. No. I would say it prepared me to play a survivalist, but I don't know that anything prepared me to play that character more than the incredible script by Craig Mason. People responded so positively to that work, and that doesn't happen because I'm so cute. I know it's hard to believe, but that was the best script. Like, everyone knew as soon as they read that script, they were like, holy shit, you've done made you cry when you read it. You cried reading the script. You were like, oh, my God, this is what it's all about.
- [39:38]
A
Yeah. It made everybody. Anyone who hadn't seen it, if you had seen it when you talked about it to People that hadn't seen it, you sounded crazy. You're like, gotta watch the zombies on. You're gonna cry, your heart attacks about moving the most beautiful thing ever knock you on your fucking ass. The zombies, they're in it. But it's cool. It's really sad, but also beautiful.
- [39:57]
C
It was unbelievable. But I just want to hit Chester Arthur again real quick because Bring us back. We keep coming back. Because the thing that's beautiful about this episode of history that no, I didn't know and I love presidents in history and I saw Assassins, so I knew about Charlie Guiteau, but I didn't know the story of James Garfield who got selected entirely against his will and nominated for the Republican presidential nomination. Back when the Republicans were the good people and elected completely against his will, this farmer from Ohio. And, and that part is so moving to see the people say, we're sick of this corruption, we're sick of, of this kind of. Of. Of Trumpian government. Give us this James Taylor Rico or give us this truth teller. It like. And, and then Chester Arthur is one of the, one of the sort of main mafiosi like in the, in the, the. The bad guys, I can't think of the stalwarts.
- [41:06]
A
These are the corrupt. This is a corrupt group of people that run out of New York and they basically treat the government like a piggy bank. But they have a lot of power and they control a lot of the federal income at that time.
- [41:17]
C
They control the harbor, they're the harbor masters. And all the money comes in, all the import, they take all the cash and so they buy all the offices. And so Chester Arthur gets put in, installed as the vice President. As a fuck you to Garfield. It's the bad guys being like, okay, you're gonna put your boy scout in the presidency. We're gonna put Luca Brazzi in the vice presidency. And Chester Arthur, he was a good guy who was corrupted by Roscoe Conkling, the guy running the stalwarts and his conscience, eventually Garfield and Garfield's wife Lucretia. They say there's a good man in there. Like you have the opportunity, if you want to, to step up to the plate and do some good. You're the vice president and ultimate. And then he, spoiler alert, he becomes the president. And there are influences that say, hey man, I know you've been a piece of shit here for a while, but you've now the president and you have the opportunity to step up to the plate and become a good man. We need you to do that. And he does. He becomes an incredible supporter of civil rights and he turns it around and it's just. It's so moving to see a story like that in our White House.
- [42:45]
A
Yeah, well, it's interesting just because Garfield. I didn't know much about Garfield and in part you don't know much about him because his presidency is cut down. And you can't spoil history. That's how history. You can't spoil it. What happened in it, happened in it. It's in the Wikipedia. But he was someone who was clearly an extraordinary person and had very forward looking beliefs. And Chester A. Arthur wasn't. But he signs the legislation that Garfield had wanted, which is a story of someone kind of becoming a better version of himself. Whether or not he was ever gonna be as good. He only serves the one term. He's sort of an accidental president, but did become a better version of himself than he otherwise would have been.
- [43:25]
C
Absolutely cool. And if you haven't seen it, it's on Netflix. Mike Shannon. Matthew McFaddyen is astonishing as the assassin Betty Gilpin. Awesome as Lucretia Bradley Whitford Shea Whigham. And I am successfully fat. I look really fucking fat.
- [43:48]
A
Oh, did you have to. Was that part of the role?
- [43:50]
C
Do you prepare for it? He's real porky. So I had a fat suit, but I also gained 20 pounds. And if you ever have to do this, you get those. The period costumes are great. Cause you get those paper collars and you get it a little too tight and then you create this cleavage underneath the chin.
- [44:09]
A
Yeah, you had that great kind of like 1890s bruiser thing. Like you want to. Like you would fight like this.
- [44:15]
C
That's right.
- [44:15]
A
Fist like that. Now it's time for a game. You're a man who loves power tools as much as you love tomfoolery. Which is why we want to play a game we're calling Would you Rather
- [44:31]
C
sweet Graphic.
- [44:32]
A
Here's how it works.
- [44:36]
C
Listen, we all don't have the.
- [44:37]
A
We don't have Benioff. You know this is a podcast, right?
- [44:42]
C
We don't have that Westeros money.
- [44:43]
A
No, we don't have Westeros money. All right, here's how it works. I'm going to name a power tool and a person. You'll tell us if you'd let them use it. First up, a stationary Powermatic planer operated by your. Margo's got money troubles. Co star Elle Fanning.
- [44:59]
C
Ooh. I mean, a stationary Powermatic planer is pretty easy and idiot proof. So I mean, Elle, I Would trust to like fly an airplane. She is just a superheroic person and incredibly capable and she also has great common sense. So that's a no brainer? Absolutely.
- [45:22]
A
It's a yes. Okay, next up, a hollow chisel mortiser used by J.D. vance.
- [45:28]
C
Oh, boy. Unfortunately, the hollow chisel mortiser.
- [45:34]
A
Mortiser, yeah.
- [45:35]
C
Has an action that can best be described as a fucking action. You plunge a proboscis into the wood, creating a cavity. And so, I mean, I'm sorry, we
- [45:54]
A
need an answer to the question, would you let him use the chisel mortiser or no?
- [45:58]
C
That'd be no.
- [46:00]
A
All right, next up, we have an oscillating spindle sander.
- [46:03]
C
No. Jeez.
- [46:04]
A
Operated by Amy Poehler.
- [46:06]
C
Oh, boy. I mean, first of all, this is. I'm sorry, this is even more of a fuck machine. It's a tabletop with a cylindrical. A cylinder covered in sandpaper. And it spins and. And goes like this.
- [46:27]
A
Wow.
- [46:28]
C
It's. I mean, it's like you can. You can actually have sex with this machine.
- [46:33]
A
You want to remove the sandpaper first.
- [46:36]
C
You would for sure.
- [46:37]
A
For sure.
- [46:38]
C
And you can. You can see below there. You can select your diameter. So you can.
- [46:44]
A
Because that's. What's up there is.
- [46:45]
C
Look.
- [46:45]
A
It's more than anybody would need.
- [46:46]
C
Yeah. This is like.
- [46:47]
A
These are plenty.
- [46:48]
C
This is Tom. This is Tom Finley and shit. Yeah. Now to answer your question, absolutely, I would let Amy use that machine only because it would be so goddamn funny.
- [47:06]
A
Next up, your very own slab leveling jig, which you invented and was featured on the COVID of Fine Woodworking magazine in the year 2011.
- [47:14]
C
Knew that shit.
- [47:17]
A
However, the person using it is looks maxing. Influencer. Clavicular. Do you know who clavicular is?
- [47:24]
C
No. I know this is interesting. I know that's a person that has been in the popular culture news recently. You say it's an influencer.
- [47:35]
A
Yeah, he's an influencer.
- [47:37]
C
And why was he in the news like last week?
- [47:40]
A
Because simply impossible to answer that. It simply can't. That is a question. Why is Spain? You know, I don't know. Where is Triangle? It can't be answered. Would you let him use it?
- [47:59]
C
What's the machine?
- [48:01]
A
It's your jig.
- [48:02]
C
Oh, fuck no.
- [48:03]
A
Okay, and let's do one more. Let's do one more. Director David Lynch's band saw, which you purchased from the auction right after he died. You didn't know the man, but you got his fucking bandsaw.
- [48:14]
C
I did.
- [48:15]
A
I think it's cool.
- [48:15]
C
I bought his bandsaw.
- [48:17]
A
And the person using it is your wife, Meghan Mullally. But you forgot to do that thing you said you'd do.
- [48:23]
C
Forgot to do the thing you said you'd do. But I forgot. Oh. I mean, look, I'm besotted with this woman. She can do whatever she wants to. And I will thank her for the privilege. We've been together 26 years and I do the dishes, by God.
- [48:50]
A
Gotta do dishes.
- [48:51]
C
You gotta do them.
- [48:52]
A
Gotta do the dishes.
- [48:53]
C
You got to.
- [48:54]
A
Yeah. Even when you cook, you got to do the dishes. I believe in that. It's stolen valor if you cook and then don't do the dishes. That's what I feel.
- [49:01]
C
I go above and beyond and it's never done me wrong.
- [49:06]
A
And that's a good. And that's some. And work that would. You know what I mean?
- [49:09]
C
That's right.
- [49:11]
A
Little wood checks wherever you get your books. And for tour dates, you can go to Nickofferman Co events. This has been very fun. And we'll be right back.
- [49:18]
C
That's generous. Thank you.
- [49:23]
A
Hey, don't go anywhere.
- [49:24]
C
There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.
- [49:27]
A
Love it or Leave it brought to you by Simplisafe. If you're like me, you're desensitized to the dozens of notifications on your phone each day. But if the latest ping is from your security camera, ignoring it could spell disaster. Picture this. Somebody is breaking in. But you're giving a huge presentation at work, you're at the movies, you're on a flight at 30,000ft. Oh no. You're back in elementary school. And you're not wearing any clothes during the school dance. Yikes. And your home's being broken into. And your rabbis there. That's too late. That's the point. You need Simplisafe. Simplisafe is a customizable whole home security System backed by 24, seven monitoring agents you can rely on to act even when you can't. I set up a simply safe, incredibly easy to do, really customizable. And the customer support was great. The service was very reliable. Highly recommended. Traditional security systems only act after someone has already broken in that's too late. Simplisafe's active guard outdoor protection can help prevent break ins before they happen. While other security companies lock you in. Simplisafe comes with no long term contract. They earn your trust every day by keeping you safe and satisfied. They're so confident they even back you with an anti theft guarantee. I'm not the only one that said it'd be SimpleLife SimpleSafe protects 4 million people. They have 20 years of experience at home security. Best home security of 2026 by U.S. news World Report. They've been named best customer service and home security with industry leading customer satisfaction scores. Right now our listeners get 50% off their new SimpliSafe system@simplisafe.com Love it. That's simply safe.com. love it. There's no safe like SimpliSafe. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp International. Women's Day is a time to celebrate your progress and your power. But it's also a reminder that your well being shouldn't come last this month. Honor yourself by making space for your mental health. You deserve a place to be heard, held and supported. I don't even really want to be held by your therapist. No, like emotionally held, I suppose.
- [51:06]
C
Yeah.
- [51:07]
A
I think that's important. You're hoping that they hold space for you. Yeah, they hold space, hold your attention. Better Help's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the US BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences. And their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time. If you aren't happy with your match, switch to a different therapist at any time. From their tailored rex. With over 30,000 therapists, better help is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session. Based on over 1.7 million client reviews, your emotional well being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Love it. That's BetterH lp.com Love it. What does Megan Mulally have to say?
- [52:02]
C
She sent an article from the Guardian. Megan Mullally sent an article from the Guardian. Capitol rioter pardoned by Trump given life sentence for molesting two children. And then she wrote neat.
- [52:21]
A
So just a chill night at home for her.
- [52:22]
C
That's right. You know when you get a text from Megan, it could be that or it could be like the craziest. There was a guy last night that had a dachshund puppy and the guy would go like this on like a daybed and the puppy would run up and flip upside down and. And kiss him and then the guy would move over and the puppy would do would do that. And so it's one of those two things from Megan.
- [52:56]
A
The beauty of life and the horrors of life.
- [52:59]
C
In the case of the second one, then she says, it's us.
- [53:02]
A
Aw. And we're back. You know, our next guest from your TV and from the upcoming sci fi epic project, Hail Mary, it's Milana Vayntrub. Hi. Welcome. Thanks for being here, you guys.
- [53:21]
C
Hello.
- [53:22]
A
You go there, switch. We'll switch around.
- [53:25]
B
Hi.
- [53:26]
A
Hi. Nice to meet you. Thanks for being here.
- [53:28]
B
Oh, my pleasure.
- [53:29]
A
Now, you were a child actor. I was. And Ryan Gosling was also a child actor.
- [53:33]
B
Yeah. We had so much to talk about.
- [53:35]
A
And had you heard of him before you met him on set?
- [53:37]
B
I had never heard of Ryan Gosling before two years ago.
- [53:40]
A
And you just saw the movie for the first time?
- [53:42]
B
I did Just like the day before Yesterday.
- [53:44]
A
And it's good.
- [53:44]
B
It's phenomenal. It's so good.
- [53:49]
A
Any big changes between the two?
- [53:53]
B
You know, so when we were filming this, there's a lot of improv. The day that I filmed with Ryan. Has anybody here read the book? Let me just tell you a little bit about the movie. The movie is about Ryan going into space to save the world. And it's a comedy. It's a friendship story, actually, between him and Rocky, this alien that he finds from another planet that is also trying to save the universe. And it's gorgeous and hilarious and the music is bananas. And Ryan is, of course, so funny, but also Rocky, the alien is so funny. And so when I shot, my first day on set was after Ryan had shot all of his astronaut alone in a spaceship stuff for like eight months. And so he was so eager for us to improvise with him. And because I had read the book, I kept improvising this thing about the gene. Like, you gotta go to space because you have the gene. Remember in the book.
- [54:55]
A
Yeah.
- [54:55]
B
You don't. You don't. So it's like in the book, that's the thing that's lost, and it's the thing you don't even remember so far.
- [55:02]
A
I didn't even remember it. I didn't care.
- [55:05]
B
Smart to lose it.
- [55:06]
A
They made some good edits. Good cuts.
- [55:07]
C
Yeah, yeah.
- [55:08]
A
Good edits, good cuts.
- [55:09]
B
Yes.
- [55:09]
C
They cut the gene.
- [55:10]
B
Can you believe it?
- [55:12]
C
I'm actually bummed.
- [55:13]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [55:14]
A
Did you read the book?
- [55:15]
C
I did.
- [55:15]
A
Did you like it?
- [55:16]
C
I loved it.
- [55:17]
A
It feels like it's up your alley because it's about somebody using their hands and brain in an emergency to solve problems.
- [55:21]
C
It is, but it's Also just the greatest book. Like, it's Andy Weir, who wrote the Martian. It's. The book is so wonderful. And actually, I read it and then we listened to the audiobook.
- [55:33]
A
The audiobook is great.
- [55:35]
C
That reader, really good.
- [55:36]
A
It's a really kind. All right. We love it. Just see the movie, read the book.
- [55:41]
B
It's worth reading the book. But if you go straight to the movie, you're gonna have an amazing time, too.
- [55:46]
A
You were also across from George Clooney on er. Yeah. When you were a kid.
- [55:50]
B
I was.
- [55:51]
A
Was he good? Do you remember?
- [55:55]
B
He, I think, was the first time I had, like, a sexual body experience. And I was like. I was maybe 8, and I was like, there's a feeling. I don't know why, but I want to invite you over to my house for D. But, yeah, otherwise, shit actor, shit person.
- [56:19]
A
So the reason I was. I was thinking about that because, like, you have been hustling since you were a kid.
- [56:24]
B
Yeah.
- [56:25]
A
Yeah.
- [56:25]
B
Well, I've been very busy. I don't like sitting still. It's a problem with my brain. Yeah. But I do really, I think. You know what? One of the things that George did was call me kiddo. And no one had done that. Cause I'm an immigrant. English isn't my first. Like, at home, we never called each other kiddo or nobody called me that. I didn't call my parents kiddo. And so. And even now when somebody calls somebody else kiddo, I'm like, that's my inside thing with George, who probably does not remember that I exist.
- [56:58]
A
I bet he remembers.
- [56:59]
B
We don't keep in touch.
- [57:00]
C
Guess what? He fucking remembers. You think he has that thing? Yeah. Yeah, I did.
- [57:06]
B
Is that a disease?
- [57:08]
C
No. I'll make this brief. I did ER with George in 98.
- [57:13]
B
That's, like, when I did it.
- [57:14]
C
It was the first live episode of er.
- [57:16]
B
That's a thing.
- [57:17]
C
It was. And there was a big pot of soup backstage. And we met at the soup, and we said, this feels very maritime. And we started singing the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald together. And I had like. Like three lines. I. I had a small role and we laughed and I was like, all right, enjoy. Enjoy your soup, kiddo. And. And then. Then, wait.
- [57:41]
B
He says that to everybody.
- [57:43]
C
Literally, like seven years later, I meet him with Megan at a Oscar party with. It was him and Patricia Clarkson. And the four of us met, who turned out to be Tammy 1 to Megan's Tammy 2. Crazily, for those in the know. But Clooney. We get introduced and Clooney goes Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. He has that superpower where he would. He'd be like, kiddo, yeah.
- [58:10]
A
Oh, wow.
- [58:11]
C
That looks like a rain check on that dinner.
- [58:15]
B
Even now, you just doing an impression of him, like, stop it, George.
- [58:21]
A
Do you want to know something interesting about the song the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?
- [58:24]
B
Please. I take it back, actually, immediately.
- [58:29]
A
So listen to this. Listen to this. That song, a lot like Death by Lightning, had no business being a hit. It's a song about an old shipwreck. Here's something crazy. The recording that you hear. If you go to Spotify right now and you listen to the wreck of
- [58:43]
B
your music, you are barely sitting on that chair.
- [58:45]
A
I know what you're supposed to tell you.
- [58:47]
B
That I have a beautiful butt cheek.
- [58:48]
C
Yeah.
- [58:48]
A
That's all you need.
- [58:49]
C
Wow.
- [58:49]
A
That's all you need. So the Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the song you hear, you go to Spotify right now. That's been there for, whatever, 40 years. That is the first take. I don't mean the first take they recorded. I mean it's the first take of the song. The drummer who doesn't come in for a while in that song, he had never heard the song before. He was just figuring it out. And that's the one. And they tried to record it a bunch of other times, and they never got another one as good. And so that is the take that's the magic of that song. And it became a hit. An insane long song about an old shipwreck.
- [59:22]
C
12 minutes long.
- [59:23]
A
12 minutes long. It's the first take.
- [59:31]
B
So you're saying they kind of did improv, like the thing they do here every night?
- [59:35]
A
Yeah, in a sense, that's right. They improv their way to that song about that ship. So, Lana, you first broke out doing AT&T commercials a lot of other comedic performers. John Hodgman, Justin Long for Apple, Peter Gross for Infinite Sonic commercials, Mariam Bamford's On Target. It must have been, like, both an incredible break, but also, like, a little, like, is this what I want it to be like? You know, like, how did you. Like, how did you deal with that?
- [60:02]
B
I dealt with it by taking control. I eventually directed the ads, and so I just thought, if I can make them good, if I can make them funny, then I feel good about doing them. And then if I could hire great people, my friends. And then it kind of, like, quells whatever insecurity I have about doing something for a giant corporation.
- [60:28]
C
Damn, that's a good answer.
- [60:31]
A
And last year now there were some sort of, like, fan Attention of an unhealthy variety of you being on these AT&T commercials, people felt like they knew you.
- [60:42]
B
Yeah, well, people. There was a picture that came out of me having a body, and people were like, that woman has a breast. And they were very confused by that. Women can't be funny and selling things and have a body. And so I think the Internet just got confused by that. Yeah, I guess the commercials did give me a lot of male attention because they played during football games, you know, and so I think people would watch the game, and then during commercial, a girl would come on, and she happened to have a human representation, and so they would look her up. And then I ended up getting this male following. And so last year, during the fires, you know, we were all here in LA trying to figure out how to help people, and people were giving away clothes and furniture and all that. And as I was, like, talking to people, I'm like, oh, what they really need is help with their rent. What they really need is to, like, figure out how they're gonna pay a mortgage and rent their place or how they're gonna fix their place. So many things, right? People really needed financial help. And at the same time, I heard about all of these girls fucking crushing on OnlyFans. Do you know that the number one earner on OnlyFans makes more money than LeBron James?
- [61:54]
A
What?
- [61:54]
B
That is feminism. Yes. And we have been taught that we should not show our bodies because it is shameful. And that is some propagandic bullshit because it is so powerful and it hurts no one.
- [62:12]
A
You know what's interesting? She makes more money, and she makes the people at home do the dribbling
- [62:21]
B
and the dishes.
- [62:22]
C
I wish to God I had a drum set so I could do a rim shot. That was incredible.
- [62:32]
B
Anyway, so not that I, like, did an Only Fans, but I did a parody of it, and I called it Only Philanthropy. And I sold basically, like, a fireman's calendar, and I raised $500,000 for fire victims.
- [62:46]
C
Whoa.
- [62:47]
B
And so, yeah, now I want to do it again, but I want, like, more people to do it. In fact, I think you should do it. I mean, we're all, like, posting online anyway, and we're posting thirst straps for Zuckerberg to benefit off of. So why not do it in an exclusive, controlled manner and then have people donate money to whatever cause you care about, if you even care about anything.
- [63:20]
A
All right, I'll do it for aipac. I'll do it for aipac. Now, first of all, I think there's Two questions for Nick. One, given that I think you've put those buns out there a little bit, can we show the photo?
- [63:38]
C
Oh, no,
- [63:41]
A
I think you should consider doing this. I think you should consider doing this. But also the show.
- [63:45]
C
You're. I just want to say that they were so generous with the grapes.
- [63:50]
A
I don't say. Can I ask you this? Here is the question. I had a question about the grapes. Did they start with more grapes and remove or add grapes till you were good?
- [64:00]
C
No, it was like. It was like a grizzled old biker dude. And he came up and laid those grapes out and just nodded at me and was like, I got you, brother.
- [64:13]
A
So that's. So first of all, I think this is. We should talk about it. But also, your show on Apple tv, Margot's got Money Troubles is actually about elle Fanning starting OnlyFans, right?
- [64:25]
C
It is, yeah. And I mean, and it's my favorite sort of story point is that she is a single mom. She's having trouble finding her way. She can't keep a job, and she discovers OnlyFans. And she's very creative in the show. She's a creative writer, and so she applies her actual talent to creating her only fans. Basically, she's doing nudes, but really creatively in a cool way that she creates storylines and her own little world. And so it's very empowering. She's very successful at it, which makes a lot of her life bountiful and kind of saves her. But then she's pilloried and excommunicated by polite society who say, you're doing porn, you know, you're not welcome in our grocery store or whatever. And so it's a great examination of this exact point.
- [65:24]
A
Milana, what do you think my storyline should be for our photos together? Angry Scared Woodworking. Yeah.
- [65:31]
B
I think you should be using. What was that device that you said? Fucks. What's the one?
- [65:36]
C
The oscillating spindle sander.
- [65:38]
B
I think that's the theme. The oscillating spindle sander.
- [65:41]
A
Yeah. Hey, we can't find the oscillating spindle sander. Don't worry about it.
- [65:46]
C
Actually, if you want to come do a calendar shoot at the wood shop, we'll just set you up with 12 different machines. I mean.
- [65:57]
A
Huh? Huh? Yeah, yeah. Applaud. Applaud in the dark, you cowards. All right, we'll talk about it. Let's see.
- [66:05]
C
Okay.
- [66:06]
A
How many more Pilates do I have to do before I'm ready? Now, one of the Many things I did love about Project Hail Mary is that it's about science being a force for good, that we're ingenious and talented, and that doesn't always have to lead to a dystopia. That may be the vibe we're in right now. But people can do incredible things, and they can do it to solve problems, and there's no problem we can't solve. So I wanted to highlight some recent thrilling, non existentially terrifying technologies in a game we're calling in space. No one can hear your dream. Huh? Okay, I'm going to read about a cool, exciting new tech, and together you will guess whether or not you think it's real or if it's just something I believe should be real. Are you ready?
- [66:50]
B
Yeah.
- [66:51]
A
Okay. First up, a new kind of lithium battery that will double the range of electric vehicles.
- [66:58]
C
That sounds plausible, legitimate.
- [67:01]
A
It is real. You got it. Researchers.
- [67:04]
C
That's exciting.
- [67:05]
A
They discovered something that is used that they can do it. I don't know. It's complicated science stuff involving fluorinated hydrocarbon, but they can extend the battery life twofold, but also be used as temperatures as low as negative 50 degrees Celsius, which is great for when it's cold.
- [67:18]
C
Yeah, it's so cold, I can get all the way to Flagstaff.
- [67:23]
B
You're always going to Flagstaff.
- [67:24]
C
That's not a euphemism.
- [67:33]
A
Not euphemism, no.
- [67:35]
B
He loves Flagstaff.
- [67:38]
A
Next up, a makeup applicator eye mask, which stamps a full look directly onto the user's face.
- [67:45]
B
A version of this actually existed that they used on SNL once when they were making somebody Cleopatra, like, they had a quick change. Do you know about this? Yeah. This is something that was invented on SNL I know exists. So if you made that up and you think it's not true, you're wrong. John.
- [68:02]
A
Next question.
- [68:08]
B
Are we counting points?
- [68:09]
A
You're crushing it. You're crushing it. Next up, night vision contact lenses.
- [68:14]
C
Whoa. Night vision contact lens for perverts only.
- [68:20]
B
I love it. I think it's real.
- [68:22]
C
I mean, I want it to be real.
- [68:25]
A
Yeah, it's real. Yay. Per an article in the New Scientist, newly engineered contact lenses will reportedly allow people to see beyond the visible light range, picking up flickers of infrared light, even in the dark or with their eyes closed.
- [68:36]
B
Wait, what? How it can see through their eyelids.
- [68:41]
A
I guess infrared can go through the eyelids a little bit. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm not a scientist. I just read Project Hail Mary. That'd be cool seeing in the dark.
- [68:53]
C
Yeah.
- [68:53]
A
Finally the darkness is.
- [68:54]
B
But also you could cheat. You just close your eyes and you're like, I'm not looking. You can change in front of me. I'm not looking.
- [69:01]
A
It's weird that you went there.
- [69:03]
B
That's where everyone here went.
- [69:07]
A
All right, next up, a new incredibly fuel efficient aircraft. That's basically one giant wing.
- [69:13]
C
Fuel efficient wing.
- [69:23]
B
I can't imagine it, I guess. Is it like a glider? Like a, like, is it like a glider?
- [69:29]
C
I mean, I'm getting. I'm envisioning sort of an expanded boomerang shape.
- [69:36]
B
Yeah, yeah, exactly like the thing people jump off of mountains with and then just glide down. A glider. Yeah, Like I said,
- [69:47]
A
Got your ass. Yes, it's real. It's the blended wing aircraft from aeronautical startup Jet Zero. It's fuel efficient, it's got a wider cabin. I think it's cool. And they've got approval for a demonstrator model.
- [70:01]
C
Oh, it's like a glider.
- [70:02]
A
It's like a glider kind of.
- [70:06]
B
No, it's nothing like a glider.
- [70:09]
A
But look at that. How cool would that be? It's like a. One big room. It's like the whole plane. They made the whole plane out of the wing.
- [70:18]
B
It is more bird like than most planes. It does kind of look like a dove or like a sea bird. Yeah, they should call it Seabird.
- [70:27]
A
I love it. The algorithm thinks I'm really interested in plane technology, so I get a lot of new plane technology. We had to cut several questions about different kinds of new plane technology. There's a new kind of engine that's coming down the pipe. Blow your friggin mind.
- [70:40]
B
So the algorithm isn't wrong?
- [70:42]
A
No, I'm interested. They got my number. They got my number. Oh, those freaks got me. Next up, a home printer that actually works.
- [70:54]
C
That's a fabrication.
- [70:55]
B
Yeah, I'm calling bullshit.
- [70:56]
A
Doesn't work, can't work, will never happen. All right, next up, I want to know that this was the source of a big fight when we were talking about doing this because next up, a new urinal shape that allows people of all heights to pee comfortably.
- [71:13]
B
I don't know enough about urinals to know that this is a problem. Can you help? Can you help me, please? What's the problem? It's not.
- [71:20]
A
Here's the problem. At usual typical bathrooms, there are three or two or four normal height urinals. Too tall for short people. Okay.
- [71:32]
B
Too tall for you.
- [71:33]
A
Yes. And then there's one a little too low. That's basically for kids and little people. Too low, too low, Too high, too low. It sucks. There's no good urinal.
- [71:44]
B
Can you just. Can you. Sorry, this isn't going to make sense for the people listening, but if you're standing up and the one that's too high, like, ends here.
- [71:51]
A
No, that's really high.
- [71:53]
B
Okay, so what are we talking about?
- [71:54]
A
Here's the situation. Here's the situation. Basically, you want to be peeing down, but not too far down into the bowl. And so. And so. And so for. So for. If you're under 5, 8. If you're under 5, 8, you're peeing a little bit too close to the. To the material, so it splashes back. So it splashes. But if you go into the low urinal, you're peeing too far, so it also splashes back. It's really just. Do you want to get. Where do you want to get? Got down here, up here? That's stupid. That's stupid to me. You don't know. You're living life out there in that sweet spot. I don't know where you are. Five' eleven. Where are you? Six?
- [72:33]
C
Yeah. Five, ten, and seven eighths.
- [72:35]
A
That's beautiful. I was measured at five foot six and three quarters. And I asked the nurse, can I say five, seven? And she said, trump is president. You can say whatever you want. So anyway, I have a design for a new urinal.
- [72:49]
B
Oh, this is your design?
- [72:50]
A
Yes. Oh, it's not real. It should be real. I forgot they were playing a game. And here's the thing. I have a design that I believe in my brain doesn't exist. It literally only is here that I believe is gonna change the urinal game forever. I actually could put up a picture, but I don't want it to be stolen. And so I won't let us see the picture yet until you. Until I actually get a patent. So I made a bet. We with Halle is I have one year to get some kind of a actual patent or something for.
- [73:22]
C
We need to take this on Shark Tank.
- [73:24]
A
You bet. You bet.
- [73:26]
B
Is it a toilet?
- [73:36]
A
You know, the founder of Spanx said, never tell anybody about your ideas until it's in the store. Because. Because people will always find reasons to tear a woman CEO down. That's what she said. I don't know why I pointed at me.
- [73:51]
B
Okay. Is it adjustable?
- [73:53]
A
You know what?
- [73:55]
B
You've said too much.
- [73:56]
C
Yeah, I think it's a. Like, what's that pasta shell that curls around so it's so the opening.
- [74:05]
A
Shut the fuck up. Every Everyone here signed an NDA. There's people back there at the doors. They have an NDA if you don't sign. I'm so mad.
- [74:17]
C
Everyone pass your phone down to the end of the row. I like this sit down urinal idea. Or toilet.
- [74:23]
B
Yeah, right.
- [74:25]
C
Right.
- [74:25]
B
I just came off the dome.
- [74:29]
A
And finally a doorbell you press when a fish. That's right. You heard me. A doorbell you can press when a fish needs help.
- [74:40]
B
And you're not the person to help the fish.
- [74:43]
A
You could be the. You.
- [74:44]
C
A doorbell you press when a fish needs help.
- [74:47]
B
This is a fish. You care about that.
- [74:48]
A
Yeah.
- [74:49]
C
Where is a triangle?
- [74:52]
B
And why is Spain?
- [74:53]
A
It's in the Netherlands. Technically. Why is Spain? Yeah. I don't. How is blue? I'm not sure. Great. You know, that was.
- [75:02]
C
That was badass. Recall you just exhibited.
- [75:06]
B
Well, you. You started it.
- [75:07]
C
Well, but I was. But I was out here. Yeah, you were backstage.
- [75:12]
A
Yeah, but I was out here today.
- [75:14]
C
You won that round.
- [75:15]
A
Is the fucking fish doorbell real or not?
- [75:17]
C
It must be.
- [75:18]
B
It sounds so stupid. It must exist.
- [75:20]
A
Yeah, you got it. It's the Netherlands fish doorbell streaming 247 from a lock outside you trekked. Anyone in the world can alert the lock operator if they spot a fish swimming up to the lock. If there is, you can go ahead and press the fish doorbell to help the fish. It's like a crowd sourced fish doorbell. Let's see it. That's it. Well, that's it. And that's it.
- [75:42]
B
It's a real fish. It's a video game.
- [75:44]
A
Real fish. They're real fish. Don't talk about video games in front of him. He loses it.
- [75:48]
B
No, I actually while you were talking about that, I did also, if I may think about project Hail Mary because one of the things I kept thinking about while we were making it was one, how hard it is.
- [75:58]
C
How.
- [75:58]
B
How good it feels to do hard things, period. How hard it is to make a movie and how good that feels. How hard it is to make love. Just. I'm just speaking in terms so you understand. But like, but you know, but this movie is really about that. It is about like doing so much work, math, science, friend making to save the world. But it feels. Feels so good to do hard things because it's really the only thing that is rewarding enough to be worthwhile. Whereas like doom scrolling feels easy but you feel like afterwards, you know, and,
- [76:34]
C
and you're getting nothing done. You're. You're paying. Putting money in the pockets of billionaires. Yeah.
- [76:39]
A
Giving up the one thing you don't get more of at the end, which is time.
- [76:42]
B
I know. Except at the end of our lives we'll be like, oh, I wish I could have five more minutes with the love of my life. Except we had the love of our lives now and we are wasting that time. Time.
- [76:53]
C
That's right.
- [76:53]
B
Throw your phones out the window
- [76:57]
A
after these messages. We'll be right back.
- [77:06]
C
Kate.
- [77:07]
A
Don't go anywhere.
- [77:07]
C
There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.
- [77:10]
A
Love it or Leave it is brought to you by blinds.com if you ever thought about upgrading your window treatments but didn't want the hassle, blinds.com is here to change the game. They're the only company that lets you shop custom blinds and shades online that backs it up with a professional in home measure and installation service. At blinds.com you can skip the stress and get expert design advice through their convenient virtual consultations on your schedule. Whether you know exactly what you want or need a little help deciding they've got you covered. Do it yourself or sit back and let blinds.com handle everything from measured install. Either way, you have access to experts every step of the way. Samples are sent directly to your door, fast and free. Compare colors, textures, materials right from the comfort of home to help make the perfect selection. Blinds.com carries everything from bamboo shades to shutters, outdoor shades for your patio and more. All blinds.com orders are backed by their 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you're not happy, they'll make it right. Blinds.com has been around for 29 years and has covered over 25 million windows, making them the number one online retailer of custom window treatments. Right now, blinds.com is giving our listeners an exclusive $50 off. When you spend $500 or more. Just use code. Love it at checkout limited time offer rules and restrictions. Apply blinds.com for details.
- [78:18]
B
The country feels like it's falling apart right before our eyes and the people inside it are being silenced. So we're going to East 26th street and Nicollet Avenue, which is where Alex Preddy was executed by ICE and Border Patrol. That is not a headline. That is a human life and it is all happening right now. Do you worry about your own safety
- [78:42]
A
being involved in all this?
- [78:44]
C
Yes.
- [78:45]
A
But it doesn't really feel like there's another option, you know, and of course they use a 5 year old child as bait and of course they're doing all these horrible bad things because they don't know what they're doing. They've been told that they're going to
- [79:02]
C
get rid of the worst of the worst. Then they have absolute immunity.
- [79:07]
A
And they've been told that nothing they
- [79:08]
C
do will they ever be held accountable for.
- [79:11]
B
On my show, Runaway country, we go where the headlines hit home. From communities under threat to the people fighting to be heard. New episodes of Runaway country drop every Thursday. Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube.
- [79:31]
A
And we're back. Everybody. Check out Project Hail Mary. It's a theaters on Friday, March 20th. And Margot's Got Money Troubles is on Apple TV on April 15th.
- [79:43]
C
That's right, tax day.
- [79:46]
A
Now it's time for second thoughts. Let's see. Should I regret the supreme leader? What makes the leader supreme is they add tomatoes and sour cream. I don't regret that.
- [79:59]
C
Don't regret it.
- [80:00]
A
I don't read that. I don't agree that Hannah Gatsby catching strays in the monologue. No regrets. Yeah, they're in. They're in. They're in. Yeah, it's okay. We picked so many sexual wood machines. I don't regret that.
- [80:19]
B
Not enough sexual wood machines.
- [80:20]
C
I say it's a thing. It's a wood shop thing. You show me a tool that's not sexy.
- [80:28]
A
What about an awl?
- [80:30]
C
Oh my God. You just gotta use the other end.
- [80:37]
A
Yeah. Point towards enemy.
- [80:39]
B
Do you have a second thought about signing up to do only philanthropy at his wood shop?
- [80:44]
A
No.
- [80:45]
B
Oh, I think that's then a double confirmation.
- [80:51]
A
I think probably just for the sake of the project, we should have 11 other people for the 11 other months. I think by March or April people will be like, I could use other physical specimen. Let's vary up the corpus. You know what I mean?
- [81:08]
B
No, no. Who wants 12 months of John?
- [81:11]
A
Oh, they're just encouraging.
- [81:13]
B
You're right. It wasn't a strong enough.
- [81:15]
A
Woo. It says here that I should regret telling that whole thing about the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald because I ended my own anecdote by gasping pain.
- [81:29]
C
No, that I. We could have. I could have done 90 minutes on that song.
- [81:34]
A
Isn't that interesting? You, you know, you. Yeah, that's.
- [81:36]
C
I did know that. I mean, it's. It's a. It's a deep thing. He also. It's also insane. He read that in the paper that like that morning and was like, man, that's fucked up. And he. And he wrote the song so casually and it. It was just.
- [81:56]
A
Isn't that a beautiful. It's so funny because this is why I think like every, like, AI. I'm worried about AI. But like we're pulling AI, behind us. AI is the water skier. We're the boat. The creativity is coming from the boat, the water. I don't care how many water skiers you get back there, they're never going to be able to go without the boat. You know what I mean? Because I don't.
- [82:16]
B
So you're saying we should stop the boat?
- [82:18]
A
Yeah. Everybody stop the fucking boat. Absolutely. Stop the boat. Oh, it says here that I talked myself into a nude photo shoot in a woodshop. I don't know. We. No one said nude but you, Bill.
- [82:32]
B
You know what they're always saying, us activists gotta put our bodies on the line. Right?
- [82:38]
C
That's right.
- [82:45]
B
As comfortably as you want.
- [82:47]
A
And that's consent. Yeah, that's a beautiful thing.
- [82:52]
C
I'll go two months. I'll do two months.
- [82:55]
A
Okay, two months. Hell yeah.
- [83:01]
C
You familiar with the San Francisco neighborhood called the Ponderosa? Yes, that's where I will sell my two months.
- [83:11]
A
Oh, is it sort of like an area for sort of a bear?
- [83:13]
C
Well, apparently there's a, there's a demographic. The California state animal.
- [83:21]
A
And then my final second thought is I thought I was gonna like kind of like casually float my urinal idea. And then the two of you absolutely nailed me to the fucking wall. And I just wanna say that you got my number. Well, and that was exciting.
- [83:36]
C
I say follow through.
- [83:38]
A
I will. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
- [83:40]
C
There are a lot of five, six people that are. That want.
- [83:44]
B
That are underrepresented.
- [83:45]
C
A manicotti shaped urinal, a stuffed shell.
- [83:55]
A
It's not exactly right. It's more nuanced than that. Oh, also, it's going to be daylight savings. And that's our show. Thank you so much to Nick Offman and Melaina Von Troup. We'll see you next week at Dynasty typewriter. There are 240 days until the midterms. Have a great night. Have a great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Cricket, Crooked media on Instagram, TikTok and all the other ones for original content, community events and more. You can also find Love it or leave it on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content. And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad free Love it or Leave it and Pod Save America episodes, subscriber exclusive pods and more. Sign up@crooked.com friends love it or Leave it is a Crooked Media production. It's written and produced by me, John Lovett, Kendra James is our executive producer, Bill McGrath is our producer, Hallie Heper is our head writer, Sarah Lazarus is our senior staff writer, and Jocelyn Kaufman, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Suba Argual are our writers. Jordan Kantor is our editor, Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Shur Shur. Thanks to our designer Sammy Cadorna Reeves for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And to our digital producers, David Towles, Claudia Shang, Miya Kelman, Delon Villanueva, Jay Banks, Milo Kim and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week so that you can Love It Or Leave it is produced by Lee Eisenberg and our head of production is Matt De Groat and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America. It's love it or leave it. Notice how some homes sell faster in your neighborhood? It's not luck, it's local. Know how RE Max agents know their streets, schools and communities inside and out. And with ReMax, those local pros are everywhere. Which means when you're ready to buy or sell, you'll get trusted neighborhood insight that puts you a step ahead. Reach out today RE Max the Experts Close to home. Each office independently owned and operated. If you guys like Pod Save America, please consider subscribing to our Friends of the Pod program. So Friends of the POD get lots of stuff. You get more Pod Save America. That includes our new show which is called Pod Save America. Only Friends, it's where Dan gets naked, where Dan gets full frontal nudity. But mostly it's a bi weekly subscription exclusive podcast that is basically Pod Save America but behind a paywall so it's a little bit looser and more fun. And it's love it and Favreau and me and Pfeiffer and then other crooked hosts. We go deeper on the news and cover more stories. You also get Open Tabs, which is a weekly behind the scenes newsletter from the show. Plus you get ad free episodes of your favorite crooked podcast and all kinds of other stuff. Dan will come to your house and clean it once every quarter.
- [87:13]
C
Yeah, clothes.
- [87:14]
A
Dan is very busy. Clothed only. But along with just getting great content, becoming a Friend of the Pod joining our subscription community is the number one thing you can do to help us grow to help independent progressive media. So if you're ever thought about doing it. If you ever wanted more pod, Save America, consider going to cricket.com friends and becoming a friend of the pod.