Aisha Tyler (3:38)

Yeah, well, I mean, I think those conversations are going to happen, but they.

John Lovett (3:44)

Should be more muted and set aside for now as he's struggling through this. And we collectively honored that sense of decorum for a beautiful 24 hours, like the Germans and British playing soccer between the trenches on Christmas before getting back to throwing mustard gas at each other. Republicans, of course, immediately went to conspiracy mode. Hours after Biden's office announced his diagnosis, Don Jr wrote on X what I want to know is how did Dr. Jill Biden miss stage 5 metastatic cancer? Or is this yet another cover up? I don't know what Don Jr thinks a healthy marriage requires, as he's obviously struggled to find one. But while a wife regularly rooting around in her husband's asshole is often part of a joyful and successful partnership, it is neither necessary nor sufficient. Vice President J.D. vance was asked about Biden's diagnosis on Monday on his way home from meeting the new Pope.

Paul Feig (4:47)

I will say whether the right time.

John Lovett (4:49)

To have this conversation is now or at some point in the future. We really do need to be honest about whether the former president was capable of doing the job, continued Vance. Anyway, it seems like the Pope liked me, right? I think this one likes me. He did wipe his hands on his vestments after he shook my hand, but everyone does that because of my natural clamminess. Speaking of having bodies, while testifying before the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee on Tuesday, Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem offered up this definition of habeas corpus.

David Axelrod (5:21)

So, Secretary Noem, what is habeas corpus.

John Lovett (5:25)

Well, habeas corpus is a constitutional right.

David Axelrod (5:28)

That the president has to be able.

John Lovett (5:30)

To remove people from this country, suspend their rights.

Aisha Tyler (5:33)

Let me.

John Lovett (5:33)

Let me stop habeas corpus. Excuse me, that's incorrect. She doesn't know what habeas corpus is. This is not fair to say. I want to be clear that what I'm about to say is not fair, but, like, maybe some of that filler migrated to her brain, and that doesn't seem right because it's all clearly right where she put it. I don't know if this is like, that's intense. That's like an intense difference. These are different fucking faces. And I don't really want to make this about someone's appearance, but a little part of me does, in part because she's not. Like, she doesn't know what habeas corpus is, but she's doing rounds of dress up to go stand in front of fucking prisoners or to cosplay as an ICE officer. Meanwhile, she has no idea what her constitutional responsibilities are. It's all a big fucking show. She also killed a dog once. Tough weekend news. Also on Tuesday, Secretary of State Marco Rubio had a spicy exchange with Maryland Senator Chris Van Hollen over the administration's extralegal deportations and foreign aid cuts. I have to tell you directly and.

Aisha Tyler (6:45)

Personally that I regret voting for you for Secretary of State. I yield back.

David Axelrod (6:51)

May I respond?

John Lovett (6:52)

You may.

David Axelrod (6:53)

Sit. Well, first of all, your regret for voting for me confirms I'm doing a good job. Based on what?

John Lovett (6:57)

I know. That's just a flipping statement, Mr. Secretary. It's like, all right, he's trying to come up with a comeback. But then were you mad he voted for you in the first place? Was that a sign you didn't do a good job? If he had been happy with the job that you were doing, you would have been not doing a good job. So seems like when you got 98 votes or whatever the fuck you got, that was a problem. I don't think so. It's not. I was spun at the time. Imagine thinking that your humanity would mean anything to Marco Rubio. To Rubio. Van Hollen is like the people in front of me on the drive thru line at Starbucks. Your lives mean nothing to me, and your deaths mean even less. Nevada Senator Jackie Rosen, meanwhile, said she wasn't mad, just disappointed.

David Axelrod (7:44)

I'm going to embrace my Jewish mother instincts for a moment. So as a mother, a senator, and a fellow human being, I can tell you that I'm not even mad anymore about your complicity in this administration's destruction of US Global leadership. I'm simply disappointed. And I wonder if you're proud of yourself in this moment when you go home to your family.

John Lovett (8:15)

And before you do go home to your family, here's an envelope filled with stamped postcards already addressed to me. So you could write me if you ever bored and remember I exist. It's a Jewish grandmother move from camp. They all know this guy. They actually can't believe it. It's interesting. It's interesting that, like, I do think there's, like, a genuine shock to see someone like Margot Rubio be as depraved, indifferent to the truth, as Trumpy as he's become, because I think they expect that from the Don Juniors, obviously, the Bannon types all around him. But Marco Rubio was supposed to be one of the good ones. They voted for him because they thought, oh, you know, you know what? Yeah, he's crazy, but he's gonna have somebody like Margot Rubio in that job. We know him. We know him. We dealt with him. He's a reasonable person. We know him privately. We know how much he has talked at length about how terrible Donald Trump is. We know that because he ran against him, because he told used to tell the truth about Donald Trump. We know that to this day, Marco Rubio still does not in any way go on record saying, Donald Trump ought to be in charge of nuclear weapons. So they think, oh, that'll be our guy. That'll be someone we can rely on. So it must be shocking to see him be this person. But it's a reminder that the real Marco Rubio is not the one that is behind the scenes that knows that what he's doing is wrong, that tells the truth. This is the real Marco Rubio. It's in public when he actually has to say what he stands for. That's the real him. And I think that must be shocking for them, but maybe that's because they were a little too comfortable, right? That they were a little too willing to believe something about someone because they liked him interpersonally. And maybe that's a weakness on their part. There's a lot of Jews who thought, well, they're our neighbors. The Justice Department has reportedly reached. It's not the same. It has a similar contour. The Justice Department has reportedly reached a tentative agreement to pay a $5 million settlement to the family of slain Capitol rioter Ashley Babbitt, to be paid for by us, the taxpayers. And I say it's worth every penny. Okay. Okay. This Is deez nuts. Two tickets in one show. Fuck. On Tuesday, Trump unveiled Igons. Got two tickets in the same day for texting while driving. That's just something that happened to me once, and I'm the villain. I'm not saying I deserved it. I was caught. Just caught. Just one of them was so bad. I was just, like, texting at a red light. It was red. I was at a red light. I just look up and there's just a fucking cop. And how do you say, like, I won't do it again? Because I'm also saying, please, I just got one of these. And it's like, well, I obviously didn't learn my. It's like, what's the right story here? I'll never do it again. Or do I kind of fall on my sword and say, it's my second one because clearly I didn't learn my lesson from the first one. Either way, I deserve the ticket. Don't text and drive. It's very bad. On Tuesday, Trump unveiled plans to shield America from foreign attacks by building a golden dome, a missile defense shield which he said would be fully operational by the end of his term, which can only be proven false if his term ends. So he's got us there. Let's take a look.

Donald Trump (11:31)

Once fully constructed, the golden dome will be capable of intercepting missiles even if they are launched from other sides of the world and even if they are launched from space. And we will have the best system ever.

John Lovett (11:47)

Trump priced the dome at $175 billion, but the congressional Budget Office estimates it could cost as much as $542 billion. Not that would stop Trump. He's no stranger to paying top dollar for dome. Speaking of guys with big domes, Trump has called for a major investigation into Bruce Springsteen as well as Beyonce, Oprah Winfrey and Bono over their support for Kamala Harris in the election. Trump won. He got exactly what he wanted. And he's still so mad. He's like me at the beach, said Bruce Springsteen to Bono upon hearing the news. Oh, no, you too. Just a warning for that one. Also this week, Trump met with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa, during which Trump repeated his false claims that there has been mass murders of white African lashing out at Ramaphosa for fact checking him and played videos meant to support his lies. What does it take from you for you to be convinced that there's no.

Aisha Tyler (12:58)

White genocide in South Africa?

John Lovett (13:01)

Well, I can answer that for you. I would rather have him answer. President will respond to you.

David Axelrod (13:12)

Thank you, Mr. President.

John Lovett (13:13)

It will take President Trump listening to the voices of South Africans, some of whom are his good friends. I would say if there was Africana farmer genocide, I can bet you these three gentlemen would not be here.

Donald Trump (13:31)

We have thousands of stories talking about it and we have documentaries, we have news stories. And that is Natalie here. Somebody here to turn that, Turn the lights down and just put this on. It's right behind you.

John Lovett (13:45)

This is called Uncle Maxing, which is when you interrupt a conversation at Thanksgiving to show your niece, who's home from Oberlin, an AI generated video of Caitlyn Jenner beating Riley Gaines in an MMA fight. Trump also freaked out at NBC's Peter Alexander for asking about the Qatari bribery jet.

Aisha Tyler (14:02)

President the Pentagon announced that it would.

John Lovett (14:04)

Be accepting a Qatari jet to be used as Air Force One.

Aisha Tyler (14:07)

Perhaps.

Donald Trump (14:12)

This NBC trying to get off the subject of what you just saw. You are a real, you know, you're a terrible reporter, number one. You don't have what it takes to be a reporter. You're not smart enough. But go back, you ought to go back to your studio at NBC because Brian Roberts and the people that run that place, they ought to be investigated. They are so terrible, the way you run that network. And you're a disgrace. No more questions.

Aisha Tyler (14:37)

Go ahead.

John Lovett (14:39)

Jesus. No more questions for you. Off with your heads. He's like our very own Queen of Farts. And again, just for the podcast listeners, you're just missing a lot on the YouTube. You're missing the joke police. We got the Queen of Farts image. It's a visual show, too. This week, the official X account for Melania. Trump revealed that the audiobook version of her memoir, Melania will be narrated by an AI generated imitation of her voice. Those with early access to the recording report that the AI Melania sounds affectless, unnatural and, and 100% authentic. Speaking of modern abominations, Trump put the lean on House Republicans to pass his one big beautiful bill to throw millions of people off Medicaid in order to pay for tax cuts for the richest human beings on earth. And what better time to debate this bill than in the middle of the goddamn night. Here's Congressman Jim McGovern pissed. This is a farce, an outrageous insult to the people of this country to bring up a 1,000 page bill at 1 o' clock in the morning. A bill that's still being written, by the way, by Republicans as we speak in a back room somewhere, for God's sake. And then to try to jam it.

Aisha Tyler (15:51)

Through Congress in the middle of the.

John Lovett (15:53)

Night when nobody is watching is just unbelievably cynical. This is why people hate Washington. Also, the humidity. As you can imagine, the gerontocracy is not built for pre dawn committee meetings. Here's Republican Ralph Norman falling asleep of.

Donald Trump (16:11)

Our salary, the likes, and the entire.

John Lovett (16:14)

Freight of the federal government.

Donald Trump (16:15)

So we talk about tax fairness and equity. They have an interesting perspective on that.

John Lovett (16:23)

He's gone. He's gone. When he woke up, he made sure the Congressional Record reflected that it was a sex dream. I don't know why. I don't know why he did that. Even Republican Tom Massie spoke out against the package. If something is beautiful, you don't do it after midnight. I pose this. Yeah, that's when the uggos get their turn to fuck. This guy knows what I'm talking about. Wake up, Ralph. I'm killing it out here. What else? What else? In the end, Trump and Mike Johnson were victorious and the bill passed 215 to 214 in a vote early Thursday morning. With two Republicans, Republicans voting no, including Massie, and one voting present. Mike Johnson said Congressman Dave Schweikart and Andrew Garbarino missed the vote unintentionally, but would have sided with the gop and that Garbarino didn't vote because he. And this is real. Fell asleep.

Aisha Tyler (17:23)

Andrew Garbarino did not make it in time. He fell asleep in the back. No kidding.

Paul Feig (17:27)

I know I'm gonna just strangle him, but.

John Lovett (17:29)

And then I'm just gonna have no choice but to make him pay a price. Gonna have to wrap my hands around him and squeeze until he begs me to stop, said he. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson. Just gonna. Just strangle him. It's been a bad boy. Naughty. He'll be punished. Mark my words. There'll be hell to pay. Johnson's caucus may have been asleep, but Hakeem Jeffries has had a bigger challenge. His caucus is dead. Three Democratic congresspeople all past 70 years old have died in office this year, which means Republicans needed one fewer vote to pass this terrible bill. In fact, all. All eight of the most recent senators or members of Congress to die in office have been Democrats. But where would you have them die? In their beds, waiting for their children to call. Like my parents will just fuck. I'll be hearing about that on my weekly call with my mother. Here's my plan. Once a member of Congress reaches the age of 80, we'll just place them outside the golden dome to accept whatever fate may bring death or exile beyond the golden Dome. According to the Congressional Budget Office, the bill's cuts will likely lead to 13.7 million people losing health insurance by 2034. But the government has a plan to bring down health care costs long before that. Every American, no matter where they live, gets a free plane ticket to Newark International Airport. The bill also rapidly phases out a bunch of money for clean energy projects like wind and solar farms, including many that were already being built. But on the bright side, the Trump administration does have a plan to help each of us reduce our carbon footprint over time. A free one way plane ticket to Newark International Airport. The bill does make good on ending taxes on tips, overtime, and car loan interest, but only through 2028. And after that, it's Joe Biden's problem. The estate of Hollywood legend Orson Welles announced that you can now hear the AI generated voice of the late actor and director narrate location based stories for you on the storytelling app Story Rabbit. Finally, said no one. Orson Welles can narrate my AI created location based stories for me on Story Rabbit. The fuck is that? Speaking of nightmares, 10,000 baby chicks stranded in a USPS mail truck for three days. Overwhelmed a Delaware animal shelter. Some of you ate chicken today. Kind of fucking bullshit. Fake aesthetic. Objection. Several hundred thousand chickens were murdered on purpose today. Uh, no. Nothing. Caesar wraps. The incident is believed to have snowballed after the intended recipient lost their quacking number. Wow. Fucking joke police. Can't trust them when you need them. Where are they? Nowhere. You know, they're always. They're always there when you don't need them. You need a joke police. Nowhere to be fucking found. 4,000 of the chickens did die in the van. And finally, actor George Wendt, best known for playing norm on the classic 80s sitcom Cheers, died this week at age 76. But that's the story of life. George came. George Wendt. Thank you. I tell you, under Trump norms are dying left and right. All right. Oh. Oh, no. She's throwing the book at me. All right, coming up, it's Paul Feig and Aisha Tyler.

Paul Feig (21:33)

Hey, don't go anywhere.

John Lovett (21:35)

There's more of Love it or leave it coming up. This show is sponsored by Better Help. It's so important to maintain your mental health, and it's nice that societal views on therapy have evolved through the years. Sure. You know, it's. No, you know, remember when Tony Soprano went to therapy? It was. It was frowned upon for a mobster of his stature. Now they're all in therapy, all of them. Mental health awareness is growing, but there's still progress to be made. 26% of Americans who participated in a recent survey said they had avoided seeking mental health support due to fear of judgment. When people hesitate to get help, it doesn't just affect them, it impacts families, workplaces and entire communities. This mental health awareness month, let's encourage everyone to take care of their well being and break the stigma. The world is better when people are healthy and happy. We're therapy, boys. All right. We are therapy. We could talk about their benefits. Everybody should be in therapy. It helps people. It helps you figure out how to work through the problems in your head and the problems in your life. And that's really the only two places problems can be. When you think about it, it's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself. It isn't just for those who've experienced major trauma. Better help has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist from their diverse network of more than 30, 000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. We're all better with better help. Visit betterhelp.com love it. To get 10 off your first month, that's betterhelp. H-E-L-P.com love it.

Aisha Tyler (23:05)

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John Lovett (23:42)

And we're back. She hunts criminal minds. He needs a simple favor. And I remain criminally simple minded. That's not nice. Please welcome to the stage Aisha Tyler and Paul Ping. Hi. Welcome. Thanks for being here.

Aisha Tyler (24:02)

Very excited.

David Axelrod (24:02)

I'm very excited.

John Lovett (24:06)

Come on in. Hi, everybody.

David Axelrod (24:08)

This is so fancy.

Aisha Tyler (24:12)

Hello, everybody.

David Axelrod (24:14)

This is fancy.

John Lovett (24:15)

This is nice.

Aisha Tyler (24:16)

Love it.

John Lovett (24:17)

I'm so excited. We have. You both have liquor brands?

David Axelrod (24:20)

We do.

John Lovett (24:21)

So we thought we could drink during the show.

Aisha Tyler (24:23)

There we go.

David Axelrod (24:23)

I mean, there's always a reason to excuse any excuse.

John Lovett (24:27)

Happy sacrifice, sad divorce or marriage.

David Axelrod (24:30)

Or marriage. I mean, there's really always a reason to drink.

John Lovett (24:33)

They get you coming and going with alcohol.

David Axelrod (24:34)

They really do. I mean, is it them or is it you? I know it's me.

John Lovett (24:40)

I think it's me.

David Axelrod (24:41)

Yeah.

John Lovett (24:43)

So, Aisha, you have a company called Lossophy.

David Axelrod (24:47)

Yeah.

John Lovett (24:48)

That's margaritas.

David Axelrod (24:49)

Yes.

John Lovett (24:50)

And Paul.

Aisha Tyler (24:51)

Yes.

John Lovett (24:52)

You grew up in a Christian Science household.

Aisha Tyler (24:55)

Yes, I did.

David Axelrod (24:56)

They love alcohol.

John Lovett (24:57)

Lots of booze, which is frowned upon. Yeah. And now you try to convince people who might not, like, think they don't like gin to try gin.

Aisha Tyler (25:04)

Exactly.

John Lovett (25:05)

Just sort of like Christian anti science or anti Christian. It's the other direction. You're sort of a diabolical in a sense.

Aisha Tyler (25:12)

Yes.

John Lovett (25:13)

Is there a demon you're fighting or is this an alcohol brand meant to say something to your parents? In some ways it means something deeper going on.

Aisha Tyler (25:19)

It means my parents caskets are hovering over the city right now as they spin in their graves. Exactly. No, I just. I have always loved adult culture. And growing up as a Christian Scientist, it was kind of like. Well, that's kind of a buzzkill on the stuff I think I want to do when I get older. Because when I was a kid, I got taken by my parents to Las Vegas. They went to see a Muhammad Ali fight. I was only like five, and I thought I was going to go with them. And of course, I was immediately deposited into a nursery. But the nursery was at the Dunes Hotel, and it was a sliding glass door that looked out onto the casino floor.

David Axelrod (25:55)

Indoctrinate early.

Aisha Tyler (25:57)

Exactly. Free cigarettes keep the kids calm. But I remember sitting in there, my face pressed up against the window with all these other stupid kids I didn't know, watching all these adults drinking martinis and smoking and then tuxedos. And I was like, I want that. And so I've never. I've never given up on that.

John Lovett (26:14)

That's so beautiful. Was your gateway drug out of Christian Science? Tylenol or Advil?

David Axelrod (26:20)

Coca Cola.

Aisha Tyler (26:21)

There you go. It was science, actually. It was actual science. And my mother, very kindly, because she was always very cool, went because I got really into science when I was about 14 or 15. And she said, I know you're going to have a hard time trying to pick between religion and science, and I back you up whichever way you want to go.

David Axelrod (26:40)

Oh, that's lovely.

Aisha Tyler (26:41)

That's very sweet.

David Axelrod (26:42)

Lovely. Leaning into the science part of Christian Science.

Aisha Tyler (26:44)

Exactly. And then she poured me a drink and we really had a good time.

David Axelrod (26:48)

Smoke this whole pack of cigarettes if.

Aisha Tyler (26:50)

You'Re going the Other way.

John Lovett (26:51)

Go, Aisha. Criminal Minds. Yes. Is there ever a moment where there's, like, a plot and you think, no, rein it in. This has gone too far. The minds are too criminal.

David Axelrod (27:08)

No. And the horrible thing is it's kind of the opposite. Like, they do so much market research for that show. Every single story is based in a real story. So typically, I'm just like, there is a guy out there, somebody sticking needles up somebody's urethra or whatever it is that week. I mean, always, hey, guys, it's science, okay? I didn't make it up.

John Lovett (27:27)

This is science.

David Axelrod (27:29)

And so, like, that's. It's more alarming than anything. Like, we're working on something right now. We're filming right now. And they're like. They're like, this is based on that thing. And I was like, I read that story. So it's. Yeah, this is always. It's always grounded in real criminal cases.

John Lovett (27:41)

So. Mandy Batinkin appeared in the first two seasons of Criminal Minds. And he said that being in Criminal Minds was, quote, destructive to my soul and my personality, because he never thought they were going to kill all these women week after week, year after year. Are you worried about your one precious soul, or is Mandy Patinkin a delicate little Broadway baby?

David Axelrod (28:02)

Porque no los dos? I mean, I do think you have to work really hard to kind of separate the experience at work with your own personal psyche. Cause the show is super dark. It is super dark. But this is weird. There are real people profiling. There are real people doing this work. They are, like, tracking down serial killers. They are building these files not just on ones that they've caught, but kind of on the. You guys watch Mindhunter. I mean, this is a real job. So whenever I'm doing it, I think I need to honor the real government employees that are out there trying to keep the rest of us safe. They exist despite the president's entreaties to the contrary. And it's a thankless job, and it's very low paying. And they're trying to, like, keep a bad guy from climbing in your, you know, your bedroom window and stealing your. Your cervix or your foreskin. I don't know what he's after. They have very arcane tastes. You know, escargot, foreskin.

John Lovett (28:57)

Whatever. Good job trying to steal my foreskin. You're gonna have to go to a hospital on the upper east side 42 years ago. You're gonna need a time machine to get that bad boy. Of course, your little plot. Wait when do we want to.

David Axelrod (29:10)

Come on, mo. Give up the foreskins.

John Lovett (29:12)

Do we wanna. Oh, I guess it was a mo. They didn't even do it in a hospital. Barbaric and fine.

David Axelrod (29:19)

Should we pour? Should we pour?

John Lovett (29:21)

Should we have some of these drinks?

Aisha Tyler (29:22)

Yes.

David Axelrod (29:22)

I'm also really excited because I've never tried Paul's drink and I'm really excited. I love gin and I haven't tried yours. And so we're gonna. This is gonna be a home and away.

John Lovett (29:28)

Let's do it.

David Axelrod (29:29)

To have them both. Yeah.

John Lovett (29:30)

That's exciting.

David Axelrod (29:31)

All right.

John Lovett (29:31)

All right. So we've got a marg. We've got a margarita.

David Axelrod (29:33)

Margarita.

John Lovett (29:34)

What kind of gin cocktail are you gonna make?

Aisha Tyler (29:35)

I'm going to make a straight up martini.

David Axelrod (29:37)

Dude, I think we should do your drink first.

Aisha Tyler (29:39)

Oh, really?

David Axelrod (29:40)

Because I really think a martini is like a. Is like a party starter.

Aisha Tyler (29:42)

It is a starter. Starter drink.

David Axelrod (29:43)

You know what happens when you have one margarita and then two margarita boy.

Aisha Tyler (29:46)

Look out.

David Axelrod (29:47)

Royal shows up uninvited, gets up with his foreskin.

Aisha Tyler (29:50)

Another foreskin lost. Exactly.

John Lovett (29:52)

I sang that song recently.

David Axelrod (29:53)

Did you? Like at karaoke or to your mom?

John Lovett (29:56)

No, on the podcast. It didn't. I heard about it from my mother.

David Axelrod (30:00)

Oh, I love her so much. Yeah, I feel like it's unfinished. The song itself. Cause you know what I mean, like, it only has like the same verse over and over and over again. And I feel like 12 or 13 margaritas in, like, you know, maybe you've depleted your child's college fund or.

John Lovett (30:17)

Yeah, 14 margaritas. I'm in family court.

David Axelrod (30:19)

Exactly 50 margaritas. I'm under your bed, you know, and I'm performing Moil services without a license. And I'm sucking up, making very dry.

Aisha Tyler (30:29)

Martinis here, by the way.

John Lovett (30:30)

Dry martinis.

Aisha Tyler (30:31)

Are you little. What? Sorry.

John Lovett (30:33)

No. What are you going to say?

Aisha Tyler (30:34)

No, I'm just going to say for anybody, the perfect martini to me is I should be icing these glasses. I'm not going to. But generally ice your glasses first.

David Axelrod (30:42)

But everything very cold.

Aisha Tyler (30:43)

Very, very cold. It has to be very cold. But use a very, very small amount of vermouth. But you have to use vermouth. A lot of people say, like, oh, just look at the bottle. Don't put it. No, you have to have some because it's like having your being a whiskey lover, you have to put a little drop into a single malt of water. Sometimes have it blue, open it up. So that's what you want with this. So I just did that.

John Lovett (31:01)

I have a Question for you about martinis, because I love a classic gin martini, and I feel like something happened over the years. Two things happened. One, it became vodka or gin became an option. And so you have to say gin martini, which I'm sure.

Aisha Tyler (31:15)

Here we go.

David Axelrod (31:16)

Not a martini.

Aisha Tyler (31:16)

Thank you. Thank you.

David Axelrod (31:17)

Vodka is a glass of vodka, you philistine.

John Lovett (31:22)

Yes, yes.

Aisha Tyler (31:23)

It's either a martini or a vodka martini. But if you ask a bartender. Bartender. And they say gin or vodka, you.

David Axelrod (31:28)

Go and you walk away.

Aisha Tyler (31:30)

Exactly.

David Axelrod (31:31)

He doesn't. He doesn't know what he's doing. Just call him a clown and stomp out.

John Lovett (31:34)

Yeah, you fucking clown.

David Axelrod (31:36)

You fucking clown.

John Lovett (31:37)

You fucking clown. I'll take my business elsewhere else. When I drink my thing that makes my brain forget. And then the other thing that I notice is I feel like it became sophisticated to like, to say a martini was dry or like an extra dry martini was like a performance of sophistication. As if ordering a glass of ice cold gin is more sophisticated than having one with vermouth in it.

Aisha Tyler (32:04)

Well, yeah, I mean, it's this old thing of like. Like Churchill was like, oh, you know, it's so dry. Look across the room at the bottle. And that's it. No, it's not really a martini, but people get mad when you go like, up with a twist. But that's how it has to be. Very dry up with a twist. Now you. I'm trying to make a martini with a microphone, and if I had this actual skill, I would never leave the house. But that's a whole other. Thank you so much. It's a visual joke for those at home.

John Lovett (32:36)

That's why you gotta subscribe to the YouTube. Please subscribe to the YouTube.

David Axelrod (32:41)

It's really the directional change that I'm alarmed by.

John Lovett (32:44)

Then it went up Asia. While Paul is zesting a lemon.

Aisha Tyler (32:51)

Exactly.

John Lovett (32:51)

And getting zesty himself. I loved Archer.

David Axelrod (32:56)

Thank you.

Aisha Tyler (32:57)

Oh, my gosh.

David Axelrod (32:58)

Thank you very much. Hey, me too.

John Lovett (33:01)

Live action movie.

David Axelrod (33:03)

Oh, God, I would do anything. I mean, we all want to make a movie. We all want to make a movie. We all resemble our characters very closely, obviously. Except for h. John Benjamin, which he was here. He would go, ha, ha ha. Yeah, yeah, but. But yeah, we would love to do it. And I would love for John to play Archer. I think that would be awesome. Yeah, we, you know, I mean, we're just waiting for somebody to pick up the phone. I think the, you know, it's definitely, you know, 14 seasons at a movie is what we're chasing right now for sure.

John Lovett (33:28)

Yeah, that'll be awesome. What do we do? Who do we call?

David Axelrod (33:30)

Community people.

John Lovett (33:32)

When we get Jon Voight involved, he seems to have Jon Voight.

Aisha Tyler (33:35)

Never know.

John Lovett (33:35)

Let's get Jon Voight on the blower.

David Axelrod (33:37)

Jon Voight's trying to figure out how to open his bottle of insure.

Aisha Tyler (33:39)

Oh, God.

David Axelrod (33:40)

That was mean. That was nasty.

John Lovett (33:43)

How.

David Axelrod (33:44)

Where is the joke police?

Aisha Tyler (33:45)

That's. You're talking about the ambassador to Hollywood.

David Axelrod (33:48)

I barely.

John Lovett (33:49)

Ambassador voice.

David Axelrod (33:50)

Self anointed ambassador. I deserve a ticket for that. I deserve. I do. I deserve to be cited.

John Lovett (33:56)

He once got eaten by a snake.

David Axelrod (33:58)

I. That's. That is one of the greatest films of all time, by the way.

John Lovett (34:00)

It's so good.

David Axelrod (34:01)

It. It doesn't hold up at all. But you're just shocked as you're watching and how enjoyable it is, even as you're saying to yourself, I should be put in jail for watching this movie. It's so bad. He comes out and he winks. He comes out of the snake and he winks at you.

Aisha Tyler (34:13)

There you go.

John Lovett (34:13)

Wow.

Aisha Tyler (34:14)

Look at this.

John Lovett (34:15)

O.

David Axelrod (34:17)

I love it.

Aisha Tyler (34:18)

Cheers, everybody.

David Axelrod (34:20)

I feel like Le Chiffre.

John Lovett (34:23)

Oh, wow. Yes. Oh, wow.

David Axelrod (34:24)

Yes. I'm a big Bond fan.

John Lovett (34:26)

Fancy. He's a. He was a cool Bond villain.

David Axelrod (34:29)

Oh, it's delicious. Your gin is so tasty.

Aisha Tyler (34:31)

Thank you.

John Lovett (34:32)

Thank you so much. This is great.

Aisha Tyler (34:33)

You like it?

John Lovett (34:33)

I do really like it. I genuinely like it.

Aisha Tyler (34:35)

It's my one superpower. I make okay movies, but I make a great martini.

John Lovett (34:39)

Wow. The third act on this.

David Axelrod (34:42)

It's really fun because there was another gin in the. In the first. A simple favor.

Aisha Tyler (34:48)

Oh.

David Axelrod (34:48)

And I was like, the bottle changed.

Aisha Tyler (34:50)

Yeah, exactly.

David Axelrod (34:51)

But it was yours. And I recognized the bottle right away. It's beautiful.

Aisha Tyler (34:53)

It's a beautiful. Now I just shamelessly put my gin and all my movies.

David Axelrod (34:56)

Like, we don't need to get anybody to sign a release for this thing.

Aisha Tyler (34:58)

Exactly.

John Lovett (35:00)

What's your. What's it called? We didn't even.

Aisha Tyler (35:01)

It's called Arting Stalls. And that was my mother's maiden name, so I wanted it to sound. Thank you. I wanted to sound like it was an old, like, English one that had been around for 150 years, so.

John Lovett (35:11)

And. But your mother didn't drink.

Aisha Tyler (35:12)

No.

John Lovett (35:13)

Wow.

Aisha Tyler (35:13)

What a tribute. What a lovely tribute to my Christian Science mother.

John Lovett (35:18)

And next up, there's also gonna be a meth name for your phone.

Aisha Tyler (35:20)

Yes, exactly.

David Axelrod (35:22)

Literally doing a double salchow in her grave right now. But you know what's. This has a very nice roundness to it there's some florality. It's real. I've actually never had. This is. I'm so dogmatic. I only ever get an olive based martini. I've actually never had one with a lemon in it. I always think that it's a vesper when I see lemons in there.

Aisha Tyler (35:40)

No, my family, I think martinis should be bright. That's why that's my only beef with, with a dirty martinis, I think it becomes a little murky, a little heavy.

John Lovett (35:49)

Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (35:49)

And so I like et cetera. It just brightens everything up, makes it happy.

John Lovett (35:52)

This is great. I have to drive home.

David Axelrod (35:54)

Okay, I'll be following you.

Aisha Tyler (35:57)

Just don't text when you do it.

John Lovett (35:58)

Drive. Paul.

Aisha Tyler (36:00)

Yes.

John Lovett (36:00)

You directed a famous episode of Mad Men.

Aisha Tyler (36:03)

Yes.

John Lovett (36:04)

Where Betty shoots at the birds. What do you think we should do about guns?

Aisha Tyler (36:12)

Thanks for that light question, John. I'm not a gun person. I. I can't stand. I'm terrified of guns. Whenever in my movies if we have to have a gun, I'm just like, okay, somebody else take that. And now fortunately, we just do the rubber guns. And they.

David Axelrod (36:25)

Yeah, like real guns are over post.

Aisha Tyler (36:26)

Yeah.

John Lovett (36:27)

What happened? Yeah, it's.

Aisha Tyler (36:29)

It's all it was.

David Axelrod (36:29)

It was kind of already over a little bit before that, but I feel like that was the, that was the final straw.

Aisha Tyler (36:35)

Well, you still hang on like, oh, I want the kick and I want the smoke, you know, but it's like, forget it. No, it's not worth it.

David Axelrod (36:39)

I watched a movie recently where they just shouldn't have had guns at all because they didn't have the money to make the rubber guns look like real guns. And it was, it was a children's movie. And like they said they were just like pasting in like the, you know, the muzzle flashes.

John Lovett (36:54)

Oh yeah.

David Axelrod (36:54)

And it looked very much like a 70s, like Batman and Robin, like boom, pow. Maybe you guys should just kung fu fight. Don't gotta. Yeah, you don't gotta touch that up.

John Lovett (37:05)

Steven Spielberg took the guns out of ET and replaced them with walkie talkies.

David Axelrod (37:10)

What?

Aisha Tyler (37:11)

When?

John Lovett (37:12)

Digitally. Digitally. Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (37:14)

That's exactly how I'm going to take aviation out of the first simple van.

John Lovett (37:18)

Yeah. Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (37:19)

Arting stalls in arding stalls to replace aviation.

John Lovett (37:22)

Gin. Or you just have to be like, this is. Where's our arting stalls? Just have AI do it. So speaking of Paul, you said that you wouldn't do a sequel, but that they broke your sequel rule to make another simple favorite. Are we going to see a Ghostbusters 2 Rise of the Machines.

Aisha Tyler (37:41)

Only to piss off the entire manosphere. And Donald Trump maybe. I mean, there's literally tape of Donald Trump going, and now the Ghostbusters are women. What's going on? I mean, that's. You know, it was that level of stupidity.

David Axelrod (37:52)

Focus on those high level, you know, sociopolitical global issues.

Aisha Tyler (37:55)

The president, he's got more important things.

David Axelrod (37:57)

Absolutely. What. What made you break your. Your sequel role?

Aisha Tyler (38:02)

I. I love Blake and Anna, and I love the. The simple favor move, the first one we did. And I love those characters. And it was like, I think there's a fun thing to be had with them, taking them to Italy. So.

David Axelrod (38:12)

And they were so. I mean, what was fun was they had evolved so much like that dynamic, and those personalities had grown so much from the first movie.

Aisha Tyler (38:19)

Yeah.

David Axelrod (38:20)

And it was very sexy.

Aisha Tyler (38:21)

Well, thank you.

David Axelrod (38:21)

Yeah. Very sexy and glamorous. I loved it. I loved it.

John Lovett (38:25)

I have to ask about the elephant in the room, which is this. Oh, is Blake Lively Really 5 foot 10?

Aisha Tyler (38:35)

Yes, she is. And that's without heels, too. I'm always looking up at Blake, basically.

John Lovett (38:40)

It's crazy what's been going on.

Aisha Tyler (38:42)

What, with her heels?

John Lovett (38:43)

Yeah, with the heels.

Aisha Tyler (38:44)

I know it's crazy.

John Lovett (38:45)

And all the other parts of it.

Aisha Tyler (38:46)

And then the shoes.

John Lovett (38:48)

There's a big scandal happening.

Aisha Tyler (38:49)

I know there is. I mean, it's all. I don't know.

John Lovett (38:52)

You know, let's have another drink.

Aisha Tyler (38:54)

Let's have another drink, shall we?

John Lovett (38:56)

Oh, I wanted to ask you this, Paul, because I want you to settle a bet. And here's the bet. Is Freaks and Geeks based on Chippewa High School in Michigan or Syosset High School on Long Island? Because I read it High school with Judd.

Aisha Tyler (39:11)

I was going to say.

John Lovett (39:12)

Yeah, we both went to say. I said, guess what, guys?

Aisha Tyler (39:14)

It's based on my high school, Chippewa Valley.

John Lovett (39:16)

So it's not based on Syosset.

Aisha Tyler (39:17)

Nope.

John Lovett (39:17)

Would Judd disagree?

Aisha Tyler (39:19)

No, he would not. He actually, because it's set in Michigan. You know, Chippewa, Michigan, I called it. But the school that I went to was Chippewa Valley. Lots of culture appropriation, too, by the way. Our teachers was called the Big Reds.

David Axelrod (39:31)

The whole middle of the country pretty.

John Lovett (39:32)

Much Braves, which I think they changed to the Astros at. At Sid High School, which.

Aisha Tyler (39:38)

Oh, okay. Yeah.

David Axelrod (39:39)

All those astronauts are pissed about.

John Lovett (39:41)

So the whole kind of me myth ins. In look in se. It. Yeah, it's pretty well canon that it's about Syasset. And you're saying that that was a delusion we created because Judd went There, literally.

Aisha Tyler (39:53)

The show takes place in Michigan, but.

John Lovett (39:54)

That'S a red herring.

Aisha Tyler (39:56)

I don't know what problem sayas it has.

David Axelrod (39:58)

I mean, you say so. Guy who created the show.

Aisha Tyler (40:01)

Whatever. I know.

John Lovett (40:05)

Aisha, you hosted the Talk from season two to season seven. You left in 2017, then it got fucking canceled.

David Axelrod (40:11)

Yeah.

John Lovett (40:11)

Now the show's over. What do you really think about those bitches?

David Axelrod (40:16)

You know, I had a great time doing that job, and it was a very. And I mean, I mean this mostly as a compliment. It was a very easy job. Like, I got in there in the morning, I talked to some people. I left by noon. It was cake, you know? And then I made my first feature, and I realized if I wanted to have a career as a director, I couldn't have to spend eight hours of every day talking about Justin Bieber's haircut or whatever the fuck. So it was an easy decision to go. Do you know what I mean? It was. And it was fun while it lasted, and I got a lot of pictures of myself with famous people, and then I fucked off.

Aisha Tyler (40:47)

There you go.

David Axelrod (40:48)

Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (40:50)

Oh, there we go.

John Lovett (40:51)

And you know what that sound means? In Paul's new movie, Anna Kendrick attends the wedding of a woman who attempted to gun her down in the first film. On the other hand, the wedding is in Capri, so I get why she went, which is why we want to play a game called plus or minus one.

Aisha Tyler (41:06)

Ooh.

John Lovett (41:07)

But before we do, it's time for margaritas.

David Axelrod (41:09)

Another round. It's time for another round. All right.

John Lovett (41:11)

Really? This has been. This is good.

Aisha Tyler (41:13)

Thank you.

John Lovett (41:13)

You're really good at making this.

David Axelrod (41:15)

This is delicious.

John Lovett (41:15)

I mean, I'd have choked it down as a host, you know, But I.

Aisha Tyler (41:18)

Do genuinely, sincerely get to, like. Oh, good. That's excellent. Well, thank you.

David Axelrod (41:22)

Unlike the grape Elfique, I created something that requires no cocktail making proficiency whatsoever. You just pour it out of the bottle.

John Lovett (41:31)

Look at that. Oh, that's good.

David Axelrod (41:32)

Yeah. So for the 32nd, Spiellossophy is a line of cocktails. This is our inaugural cocktail, but we're coming out with other flavors. It's a margarita. There's only three ingredients. Organic tequila, Organic triple sec that we make with organic tequila. So there's no, like, nutrigrain spirit or malt liquor in here. And organic lime, it's clarified so that it's. It just tastes super clean and stable. I brought little dried limes because I'm a lazy bastard and I don't want to slice fruit. Yeah. But I really made this for, like, you Know when you get home from a long day of telling brilliant jokes and getting tickets from the joke police and you want a cocktail and you don't want to make it, and it's just a margarita in a bottle, bro.

Aisha Tyler (42:07)

I feel bad having all this in front of these lovely people who can't have one?

John Lovett (42:12)

They don't matter, punk. Oh, no, they're nothing.

Aisha Tyler (42:15)

That's.

David Axelrod (42:15)

Your host feels about them the way he feels about. About the people in the Starbucks line.

John Lovett (42:18)

That's right.

Aisha Tyler (42:19)

This is no more.

David Axelrod (42:20)

Thank you.

Aisha Tyler (42:21)

Oh, my gosh.

David Axelrod (42:21)

Thank you.

Aisha Tyler (42:22)

Oh, that's really good. Oh, I love it.

David Axelrod (42:24)

Thank you.

John Lovett (42:25)

I think these drinks are the perfect thing to be sipping while we're going through these very difficult questions. Here is the question. Would you attend this wedding? That's what we're trying to get to the bottom of. Because in another simple favor, she goes to the wedding of someone that tried to murder her. The bride is your best friend since childhood, but your ex will be there with their new partner, who has a noticeably better fatter ass than you. You're tacitly in charge of her older brother who tried to do a. Who tries to do a standing backflip whenever he gets drunk enough, she asks you to please dig a hole and bury her dead dog in it before the ceremony.

David Axelrod (43:02)

So, like, based in reality is what you're saying?

John Lovett (43:04)

Yeah, sort of like a thing that happened to me. Would you go to the wedding?

David Axelrod (43:11)

Yeah, like the part where we see the brother do the backflip and, like, jam his neck and have to be hospitalized. Like, I'd videotape that and put it on the Internet, probably.

John Lovett (43:20)

Sure. It's not your fault.

David Axelrod (43:21)

Yeah, but I'm not going to bury a dog.

Aisha Tyler (43:22)

Well, no, my question is, where's the wedding?

John Lovett (43:26)

Oh, yeah.

Aisha Tyler (43:29)

I'm not going. I'm not going.

John Lovett (43:31)

Sorry. Siosis. All right, next up, the groom is the guy from work whose wife. Whose first wife disappeared under mysterious circumstances. But the hotel room is free. His uncle is George Clooney's lawyer, and rumor has it, George might pop up with Amal. There's a taco truck coming at midnight.

Aisha Tyler (43:47)

Oh, I'm there.

John Lovett (43:49)

Yeah.

David Axelrod (43:49)

Tacos, man, you never say no to free tacos. Never.

Aisha Tyler (43:52)

Tacos and Clooney.

David Axelrod (43:53)

Yeah. Oh, God. Tacos and Clooney together. What? I need a few minutes alone.

John Lovett (43:57)

The bride is your favorite teacher from growing up who found love again after her first husband's long illness. But the wedding is at a campsite. The groom is an amateur ventriloquist, but try telling him that and you have to fly into Newark to get there. No.

David Axelrod (44:10)

The answer is no.

Aisha Tyler (44:12)

Are we glamping or camping?

John Lovett (44:13)

It's just camping. No glamping. They haven't. They're just. It's just camping. No, I don't think I would fly into Newark.

David Axelrod (44:19)

It answers itself.

John Lovett (44:20)

I know. It's really like that traffic controller being like, I told my family not to go. And the fact that Sean Duffy of Road Rules Real World Challenge said that he changed his family's flight to not going to Newark.

David Axelrod (44:34)

It's like deeply authoritative voice.

John Lovett (44:36)

I for sure.

David Axelrod (44:37)

I look to. For recommendations.

John Lovett (44:38)

I know. Listen. I wish he weren't the guy, but he's the guy, and I got to listen.

Aisha Tyler (44:43)

Newark, I can take. The camping I can't take. I'm sorry.

John Lovett (44:45)

Yeah, right. I'd rather. Right, you'd rather. You'd rather die on your way to a Four Seasons than live on your way to a.

Aisha Tyler (44:53)

I can't shit into a hole.

John Lovett (44:56)

Yeah.

David Axelrod (44:56)

Under any circumstances.

John Lovett (44:58)

Yeah. I famously tried in these boots. I tried to be in the wilderness, and they kicked me out after three dinners. The bride and groom. The bride and groom are the couple you met at Senor Frogs Los Cabos and had a really awkward threesome with.

Aisha Tyler (45:14)

Oh, Jesus.

John Lovett (45:16)

But they're putting every wedding guest up for free in an all inclusive resort within walking distance of Senor Frogs Los Cabos, and George and Amal are definitely coming.

David Axelrod (45:27)

So first of all, have you been to that Senor Frogs?

Aisha Tyler (45:29)

I thought you were gonna ask me if I've been to threesome.

David Axelrod (45:31)

I was like, oh, my God, too much, Aisha. Too much. I have been to that Senior Frogs. It's horrible.

John Lovett (45:39)

Disagree.

David Axelrod (45:42)

But then I am like, if it was a good threesome and there might be a chance you could crack one out before they lock it up.

Aisha Tyler (45:48)

There you go.

David Axelrod (45:49)

Just one last one for the road.

Aisha Tyler (45:51)

Senior frog sounds. I had a movie in a film festival in San Diego for the San Diego Film Festival. Afterwards, we wanted to go get something to eat. And there's a place there called Dirty Dicks. And we've been there. It's one of those kind of places. And we came in and one of the waiters was getting his hair cut by another one of the waiters in the middle of the thing. And I was like, we're not going in here. So somehow Senior Frog Sounds like a place you might get your haircut and maybe your pubic haircut.

David Axelrod (46:17)

When you said dry martini, that's not what you meant.

Aisha Tyler (46:19)

That's not what I meant. Did you like that story Doc.

Paul Feig (46:26)

Kate don't go anywhere.

John Lovett (46:27)

There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up. Love it or Leave it is brought to you by stamps.com here@crooked Media. You know our workday can be a little bit unconventional. I do Love it or Leave it late Late on Thursdays. We do Pod Save America Monday afternoon. As John can attest, I'm not the most of a More I'm not a morning person by nature. I'm a night owl. I do my best thinking in the evening. Flexibility in our schedules is a must. Flexibility in your work day means you can decide when and where to invest your time, like focusing on the important parts of the business that only you can do. With stamps.com tasks like sending certified mail, invoices, checks or documents and packages can be done on your time, not somebody else's. Stamps.com simplifies your postage needs and adds valuable flexibility back into your workday. You can seamlessly connect with every major marketplace and shopping cart. If you sell products online, you can access all the USPS and UPS services you need to run your business from your computer or phone anytime. No lines, no traffic, no waiting. Take care of mailing and shipping wherever you are. Even on the go. With Stamps.com's mobile app, all you need is a computer and a printer. They even send you a free scale. You can automatically see your cheapest and fastest shipping options and you can get rates you won't see anywhere else, like up to 88% off. USPS and UPS have more flexibility in your life with stamps.com sign up at stamps.com/love it for a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a free digital scale. No long term commitments or contracts, just go to stamps.com love it.

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John Lovett (48:22)

That's the thing. That's because the other night I was making martinis for me and Ari who is driving home tonight and then I was doing it and then as I was making them John My co host and Emily came over because we were going to a birthday party together. And I was like, well, I'll make, I can make you guys old fashions or I can make you want, guys want martinis. And I did something stupid which was like, all right, let's just double. I was already in the shaker. I was like, well, fuck it. I doubled and I tried to double and it just turned out fucking that.

Aisha Tyler (48:49)

Well, the ratios go off and I.

John Lovett (48:50)

Well it was the ratio, but I think it was also. It just got too melty. Yeah, yeah, because the ice couldn't handle the. I should have put more ice. I just fucked it up. Yeah, but it's a subtle difference. It's like the fact that this is like, this is a good example of if you make every. If it's exactly right, it's exactly right. And it's a little off, it's nowhere.

Aisha Tyler (49:06)

Well, it can't be lukewarm. It can't even be just like kind of cold. It has to be cold. I've got. So many times I get served a martini that's like kind of cold. And I'll just. Now I'll just say, can you put it back?

David Axelrod (49:15)

Send it back, yeah, because you're good.

John Lovett (49:17)

And that's what all the stories about you being such a terrible customer.

Aisha Tyler (49:20)

Of course. No, no, bartenders hate me.

David Axelrod (49:23)

But here's a question for you because I actually, you know, I know this sounds very Bondian and I am a fan of Bond and have a very simplistic way of looking at the world generally. I don't like a shaken martini. I don't like ice chips in my martini. It continues essentially, it's like self watering, right? They develop the thing, it's filled with ice and then it slowly gets more and more dilute. So I only want to stir drink and I only stir it myself.

Aisha Tyler (49:44)

Can I tell you my theory on why Bond has shaken not stirred? Because he's a super spy, he needs to always have his wits about him. So a shaken martini is diluted with ice so he could out drink somebody who's having a regular martini.

John Lovett (49:58)

What's interesting about that is I think that's a great theory. But I had the opposite, I had the opposite theory, I had the opposite feeling, which is that James Bond is a fucking alcoholic. And so a shaken martini is better if you're gonna, if you're gonna down a martini fast before the ice melts. Shaken Martini is delicious.

Aisha Tyler (50:16)

True. But if you're an alcoholic, you just want more and more martinis.

John Lovett (50:19)

Right. That's a good point.

David Axelrod (50:20)

They did a piece, I feel like it was in the New York Times or maybe the New York Times magazine, where they actually calculated, like, they watched all of the Bond movies and calculated exactly how much alcohol he had ingested over, like, the life of the franchise. And he, he, he was dead. He died. He died, died around Roger Moore.

Aisha Tyler (50:38)

Then I'm dead. Exactly.

John Lovett (50:39)

Who's your favorite Bond?

David Axelrod (50:40)

Daniel Craig.

John Lovett (50:41)

By far, he's the best Bond. I agree.

David Axelrod (50:44)

By far.

Aisha Tyler (50:44)

Now, has anybody read the original Bond books? He's not so much obsessed with the martinis, he's obsessed with scrambled eggs.

John Lovett (50:52)

What?

Aisha Tyler (50:52)

It's crazy. All the Bond books are about, like, I have to eat, I have to have eggs, I have to do this. Bond is obsessed with eating.

John Lovett (50:59)

He's gotta hit his macros.

David Axelrod (51:00)

I think this is why. I think this is why Woodhouse was always making eggs. Woodhouse for Archer. Because obviously Archer is based on Bond. And I've not read those books. Cause readings for, you know, for Trump's. But no, I love books. I love reading. But I mean, obviously Adam Reed based him on that. And he said, listen, if you. If this guy was a real guy, he'd be an absolute piece of an alcoholic, a womanizer, a jerk. And he's like, this is the real Bond. That was the kind of the essential, like, thrust of like.

John Lovett (51:29)

And a lot of eggs.

David Axelrod (51:30)

And a lot of eggs. Woodhouse, man. Egg. You know, Eggs Woodhouse and cocaine.

Aisha Tyler (51:33)

There you go.

David Axelrod (51:35)

Very nice.

Aisha Tyler (51:35)

That's the name, my new album.

John Lovett (51:36)

By the way, Paul and Aisha, you both spent years of your career wrangling psychopaths, and that's just getting your agents on the phone.

Aisha Tyler (51:43)

But I want to tell you.

John Lovett (51:44)

Hey.

Aisha Tyler (51:45)

Oh.

John Lovett (51:46)

Tonight we want to open the floor to deranged, dead eyed, unscrupulous among us in a segment we're calling Antisocial Butterfly. Here's how it works. Please raise your hand if you'd like Paul and Aisha to weigh in on any question, dilemma, or scenario that has you wondering. Wait, am I the sociopath?

Aisha Tyler (52:00)

You are.

John Lovett (52:01)

Keep in mind the fact of you asking it means you probably aren't. So that's good. All right. Your question is, are you the sociopath? Do you have a question for Ayesha and Paul? Raise your hands.

David Axelrod (52:15)

You can make one up. You can absolutely make one up.

Aisha Tyler (52:17)

That's it. It's over.

John Lovett (52:18)

There's a question over here. You know, you throw the first brick at Stonewall. The other hands will go up now because you went first. Thank you.

David Axelrod (52:25)

Proud of you proud of you? You're a leader, man.

John Lovett (52:27)

Hi. You can not say your name if you want, but what's your question about whether you had a moment where you might have been the sociopath?

Paul Feig (52:32)

Yeah. My name's Zach. I'm from Kentucky. We live right next to a church.

David Axelrod (52:39)

And we're essentially every house in Kentucky.

Paul Feig (52:41)

Yeah, exactly.

Aisha Tyler (52:42)

Yeah.

Paul Feig (52:42)

Yep, you got it. And so, you know, we get along with them, whatever, but they feed all the cats in the neighborhood, so there's like 10 feral cats just roaming the street, pooping everywhere you step in it. Our dog Cornbread, because he's a Kentucky dog, his name's Cornbread. He eats the cab poop. It's disgusting. Yeah, it's bad.

David Axelrod (53:04)

Needs to go.

John Lovett (53:05)

Exactly.

Paul Feig (53:05)

And so we've tried to talk with them. We've thought about signing a petition, being like, hey, can you guys stop feeding the cats?

John Lovett (53:12)

They don't live there, by the way.

Paul Feig (53:13)

Yeah, the people feeding the cats don't live there. It's a church. So they just go there, drop off the food, and, you know, run away. And so every now and then, when I get that pure rage in me, oh, no. I'll grab the cat poop with a bag around my hand and kind of catapult it into the parking lot. Just like one or two, you know, little cat poop. And so that's kind of where that rage comes from. So.

John Lovett (53:40)

Yeah.

Paul Feig (53:40)

Am I crazy for doing that?

Aisha Tyler (53:42)

These aren't big cats, like Tiger King or anything like that.

Paul Feig (53:46)

No, no, no.

Aisha Tyler (53:46)

Okay, good.

John Lovett (53:47)

They're just neighborhood cats at their feet.

Paul Feig (53:49)

Yeah, but they're dicks, though. They're not.

Aisha Tyler (53:50)

Less cats.

David Axelrod (53:51)

Cats are dicks.

Aisha Tyler (53:52)

There's cute cats and there's dicky cats.

John Lovett (53:54)

Exactly. Can I ask you, when you're driving.

Paul Feig (53:56)

Yeah.

John Lovett (53:57)

Do you find that you want to exactly what I would call road justice? Are you a road justice guy where if somebody, say, cuts you off and you come back around, you don't like? Basically, you. You want to try to write the ledger. God's ledger. Is that something that about you?

Paul Feig (54:11)

It happened today.

John Lovett (54:12)

I'm sorry, sir, please pass. I'm his wife. Yes, he is.

Aisha Tyler (54:17)

I thought you looked familiar.

John Lovett (54:19)

I sense that about you. So our. What is your goal in hurling the excrement? Yeah.

Paul Feig (54:26)

I think, like, the dream scenario is the. The. The preacher, you know, he's getting out of his truck, getting ready to go in, and he steps in the cab. Poop.

John Lovett (54:35)

Oh.

Paul Feig (54:35)

And then he's like, oh, wow. Like, this is out of control. Like, we've got to fix this.

Aisha Tyler (54:40)

Wow.

David Axelrod (54:41)

So much logic in that. In that rage point, like, you really thought it through. Most people, like, just get that.

Aisha Tyler (54:47)

I like that he has such a quick conversion to the moral high road.

John Lovett (54:53)

I don't think you're a sociopath.

Aisha Tyler (54:54)

I go along with that. I think you're fine. You're not hurling cats into the parking lot, right?

John Lovett (54:59)

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe one day, maybe it was gonna go. We didn't know where it was gonna go. And it went to a place where I think you're expressing some legitimate outrage in a way that you're ultimately hoping ruins a pastor's day, but in a manner that could be productive. So I think you're okay. And just be careful with the road justice because it could get you killed soon.

Aisha Tyler (55:17)

Okay.

John Lovett (55:17)

You know, and it's something that I know, and I have the same impulse, the road justice impulse, which is you're trying to. Cause there's a book with all the names and it's all written, and you're trying to make sure it's right before the end of the day and the end of history, and that's hard because we can't be in charge of that book. The book is not up to us. We just have our one little part of it, you know, even though we're trying to make it right. You know, where. Past the. You know what I mean? I also have road rage, so I really can. You have different accents. We're from the same place, though. It doesn't make any sense.

David Axelrod (55:50)

Hers is just way cooler.

John Lovett (55:53)

Thank you.

Aisha Tyler (55:53)

Anna.

John Lovett (55:54)

You have to me what is I consider a real accent. You have Jessica Tandy in Fried Green Tomatoes. She's a beautiful. Way she wishes she had this.

David Axelrod (56:04)

This is real.

Aisha Tyler (56:05)

There we go.

David Axelrod (56:06)

Come on.

John Lovett (56:07)

No offense. That's a beautiful accent. Thank you. I love it. Thank you.

David Axelrod (56:12)

I would also like to point out that I don't really think that this pastor is a serious man if he's driving a pickup truck to church. Come on.

Aisha Tyler (56:17)

Now.

John Lovett (56:19)

He operates his roof and gutter business out of the church parking lot. He did do our gutters too, though.

David Axelrod (56:25)

Honk if you like aluminum siding and Jesus.

John Lovett (56:28)

That's a good. Because that makes it tax deductible.

David Axelrod (56:32)

Yeah.

John Lovett (56:32)

Oh, that's a good point. Because it's not. You know, you have a church, you can operate your business out of it. The church doesn't pay property taxes. Something to think about when you go home. Maybe call somebody about it. You know what I mean? Let's get physical. You use that extra money to feed the feral cake.

David Axelrod (56:47)

That's Right. And we thought of a more violent approach, like, like maybe collecting all of the poo.

John Lovett (56:52)

Hope LA is treating you well on your trip from Kentucky. Who else has got one?

Aisha Tyler (56:56)

Can I, Can I tell my favorite church religion story?

John Lovett (56:59)

Yes.

Aisha Tyler (56:59)

There was an article a number of years ago in the New York Times about a church somewhere down south. And the church just exploded one day. It literally exploded into splinters. But there was a little statue, like concrete statue of the Virgin Mary out front that didn't fall over. And the takeaway from the church people was like, it's a miracle that that wasn't damaged. And I'm like, somebody blew up. Your. Your church blew up. And so that's why it's hard to reason with religious people. Good night.

David Axelrod (57:35)

That felt very scientific too. A very scientific evaluation.

Aisha Tyler (57:38)

That's why my mother kicked me out of my religion. Exactly.

John Lovett (57:41)

I think that's the Advil talking.

Aisha Tyler (57:43)

There you go.

John Lovett (57:45)

Anybody else have a moment where they think they might have been the sociopath?

Kyle (57:50)

Hello, My name's Kyle.

John Lovett (57:51)

Hi, Kyle.

Kyle (57:52)

I am a worker in Northern Virginia. I walk to work every day and I have an issue where being a pedestrian in a car centric metropolitan area, I feel like a moral superiority walking, not having to drive my vehicle and having to spend money on gas. However, walking around a metropolitan area, I feel like I'm constantly at odds with being killed by other Americans in cars.

John Lovett (58:24)

Sure.

Kyle (58:24)

And so I feel like I don't want to, I don't want to villainize people because I know that paying attention while driving is definitely difficult. And there is.

John Lovett (58:35)

It shouldn't be really should be easier. People are idiots.

David Axelrod (58:40)

There's.

Kyle (58:40)

There's two roads I'm crossing as I walk to work. There's two like four lane roads where people are like doing a protected left and you know they will just turn into you as you're walking across the road. And I walk to work with a, like a glass container with all of my. With my chicken and broccoli every day.

David Axelrod (59:00)

Well, that's your first mistake.

Paul Feig (59:01)

All right.

John Lovett (59:02)

I hope they hit you. Sorry. You're my new hero. I've had. And some fancy drinks I have had.

Kyle (59:10)

Do what?

John Lovett (59:10)

Nothing. Continue.

Kyle (59:14)

And I've been almost hit several times coming home from work and every single, like the most recent one was where older lady had. This is probably in like April of this year. She had her like sun visor down. Definitely just like, like a RAV4 like crossover like turning just directly into me and I'm like halfway across the intersection and I just like you Know, I move fast to get out of the way, but I have an innate urge to just chunk my. My lunch container in the jig. Right. But I know. I know that if they hit me or if, like, they stop or anything that's going to, like, break their windshield, it's going to be like, assault charge. Like, all this stuff for. For context, too. I'm a military member and I'm walking in uniform, so that's gonna be an absolutely terrible look.

John Lovett (60:01)

God. Totally changes my calculus for you. Absolutely. Day and night, what I wanted for you.

Aisha Tyler (60:08)

First of all.

John Lovett (60:09)

First of all, and I want to say when I said earlier that I hope you get hit by a car, I don't mean thank you for your service.

Aisha Tyler (60:16)

There you go.

David Axelrod (60:17)

Especially now.

John Lovett (60:19)

Especially now. I just. It was triggering to hear that you have do meal prep of something with chicken and broccoli in a container. I. I just. I know what your algorithm is that makes me angry. I have, like, a lot of anger.

Kyle (60:31)

For context, I spent the about 27 months of the past four years in the Middle east eating, like, the same exact food every single day. So I'm, like, taking back control of being able to cook and eat whatever I want. It's amazing.

David Axelrod (60:44)

There's no winning this for you.

John Lovett (60:45)

No, there's no winning.

David Axelrod (60:46)

We can't win.

Aisha Tyler (60:48)

Don't throw it because you're giving away your lunch. Oh, this is.

Kyle (60:51)

This last time was after work. But, yeah.

David Axelrod (60:53)

I also feel like you would be throwing it with precision. Like, I think if you were just a. Like an IC guy. Right. Like, you're headed to do your job, like, you know, playing Minecraft and pretending you're working. I'd be like, yeah, hockey, because you're gonna miss, but this guy's gonna, like, like center mass. Like, three bops to the head.

Aisha Tyler (61:08)

Yeah.

David Axelrod (61:08)

And the lady's gonna die in a car.

Kyle (61:10)

They're in a car.

John Lovett (61:11)

So criminal mind at work there. That's true. That's her training. That's Aisha's training. So it's an interesting dilemma, I think. I think we all agree. I don't think you should throw your lunch because that's making another person's day a little bit worse and making your day a lot worse.

Aisha Tyler (61:29)

But then the terrorists win, too, because you have no lunch.

John Lovett (61:33)

Yeah, I didn't think about. Here's. I've always had a kind of fantasy. I have two fantasies. One is I'm at a rock concert and they say, is anybody a drummer? The second, that's just. That's. I'm always Gonna have. I don't know. That's just in my brain. And I just. You know, their drummer's sick. Is anyone. It's like.

Aisha Tyler (61:52)

Do you play the drums?

John Lovett (61:53)

I. I did when I used to have this fantasy. It's an old one from one of my childhoods.

Aisha Tyler (61:58)

You get up and you're terrible.

John Lovett (61:59)

Yeah, no, that would be a bummer. That'd be a bummer. I could do Wipeout. All right, listen. Barbara Ann. The whole thing. But here's the. Here's my.

David Axelrod (62:05)

Lots of bands playing Barbara Ann live nowadays.

Aisha Tyler (62:11)

What the hell is saying.

John Lovett (62:12)

Did somebody request Wipeout?

David Axelrod (62:14)

Yeah, we know this. Ba ba ba ba. Everyone's just running for the door.

John Lovett (62:18)

But. But my other one is that I would print out stickers. And the stickers say you're a piece of shit on them. And I have them. And then when somebody's driving like a piece of shit, you just run out. Just boom. Put them on the back of their car, you know, so maybe make some stickers. Do you.

Kyle (62:37)

Do you know the. Do you know the amount of guns compared to the amount of Americans in this country? Like, I feel like if I. In cars, somebody's car, I am running the risk of.

John Lovett (62:48)

You're in the uniform.

Kyle (62:49)

Oh, okay.

John Lovett (62:51)

That's right. They should.

David Axelrod (62:52)

They would assume that you were like a concealed carry.

Kyle (62:56)

Here's an.

John Lovett (62:56)

Here's.

Kyle (62:56)

Here's an. Here's an interesting context to take into account. So federal.

Aisha Tyler (63:02)

Yeah.

John Lovett (63:02)

Yeah. Let's get deeper into this.

David Axelrod (63:03)

Your partner's like. Your partner is like, I don't want this. I don't want this for you. And I don't want to it for me either.

Kyle (63:10)

Federal and deputized employees, specifically ICE or any other federal agent that's going to be conducting activities that is like, you know, part of your deputized job. So, like, a lot of people are claim. Like, you know, whenever you see people getting arrested or getting under armor, like the street.

David Axelrod (63:28)

Under armor, top and bottom.

Kyle (63:30)

Getting. Getting people disappeared off the street by federal agents that are going to be in uniform will be wearing the same camouflage pattern that I'm wearing. So, like, I feel like I'm not really like. Sure, I have a little name tip. This is US Army. But like, I'm not standing apart from the rest of all federal employees. And so I feel kind of if.

David Axelrod (63:48)

You go to the uniform store, could you get like pink camouflage? You know, like the one that kind of looks like you're going hunting for deer? You know, the one that's got the orange in it?

John Lovett (63:57)

You know what I mean, I feel.

Kyle (63:58)

As if I am a like overall, like, like federal employee. Not necessarily like strategic or like strictly military. I feel as if I'm possibly lumped into multiple of these, well, so federal types.

John Lovett (64:10)

I want to say here's a couple of things. One, again, thank you for your service. Two, I don't think you're a sociopath. I do think you're on the spectrum. Three, like that's a, that's clear as day to me.

David Axelrod (64:20)

And I'm a badge of honor, sir. Do not back down.

John Lovett (64:23)

And the person you're with agrees. And so that's something that we're all understanding. I would just say, is there another route you could walk to work? Could you go the long way?

David Axelrod (64:32)

What if you got a magnet? Not a sticker, a magnet. So that way you could fling it and then it would stick. They wouldn't even know.

Kyle (64:40)

If I just take the bus, then.

David Axelrod (64:41)

They could just peel it off.

John Lovett (64:42)

Yeah, maybe take the bus. Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (64:44)

Can I take this opportunity to call out the woman? Did you see the video recently? The woman who got a traffic thing, ran out and took a diarrhea on the other car and then ran back in her car.

David Axelrod (64:55)

Dude, dude, dude, dude. If people in this room don't stop and take a moment of silence to acknowledge how much focus and tenacity and drive it takes to take a shit on another car without looking at your.

Aisha Tyler (65:08)

Phone.

David Axelrod (65:11)

Without your normal creature comforts.

Aisha Tyler (65:13)

It's a skill.

David Axelrod (65:14)

It's not. That's not a, that's not a two second operation. That's way slower than throwing a magnet. Man, you gotta pull your pants down. You gotta make sure you're not going to hit by traffic.

Aisha Tyler (65:23)

Did she have first degree is what.

Kyle (65:25)

She have any performance enhancing drug?

David Axelrod (65:27)

She deserves a medal. I was going to say, what kind of heart? Not purple heart.

Aisha Tyler (65:33)

Maybe she's looking for an excuse because he really had to go.

David Axelrod (65:35)

But I mean, that's a lot of poo and it's. And like, even if it was fast, you'd still have to kind of aim it and then finish and then pull your pants back up.

Aisha Tyler (65:44)

She did fast. I saw the video. She did it and she was back in the car.

David Axelrod (65:47)

Respect, man.

Aisha Tyler (65:48)

Exactly. She's starring in my new movie, by the way.

John Lovett (65:52)

I just.

David Axelrod (65:53)

Isn't it amazing to another not so simple favor.

John Lovett (65:56)

Isn't it amazing to think that like Steve Jobs stood up in front of the world and said, it's a music player, it's an email device, it's a phone, and now we're shitting on each other's cars.

Aisha Tyler (66:06)

Yes, exactly.

John Lovett (66:06)

And that's a sad and interesting thing about how we all became sociopaths, in a sense. Hey, I don't know what your answer is. I think maybe just don't cross when there's somebody making that. That left, but they.

Kyle (66:16)

What if they're crossing while I'm in the middle of the.

John Lovett (66:19)

Keep moving, keep your head on a swivel. But you made it through the Middle East. You gotta be able to survive North Carolina.

Aisha Tyler (66:27)

Is there a crosswalk where you do this?

Kyle (66:29)

There is a cross.

Aisha Tyler (66:30)

Okay.

Kyle (66:30)

I mean, here's the issue, is that people don't, like, care about crossing. They just kind of like, yeah, I.

John Lovett (66:35)

Got a fucked up, broken sociopathic society.

Aisha Tyler (66:38)

I got hit by a car in front of Cooper Union in New York one Saturday night. I was walking the guy, just coming across, and the guy was clearly looking at his phone or something and just hit me. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a stuntman. And so I used to try to figure out, what would you do if you were hit by a car? So I knew get up, go the way with the thing. And I did. I rolled over the car. And the worst part was getting hit as a 50 year at the time, a man in his 50s in front of a bunch of kids on a Saturday night and falling in the street. And here. Oh, and here was the greatest thing about this story is I'm on the ground, like, all fucked up, and two people come running over this really nice woman and this other guy, and he's like. The guy gets out this asshole. And the guy who's driving gets out of the car. He's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And this guy comes up, he goes, like, all right, well, you're okay. You're okay. And he's cool. So come on, I want you guys to shake hands. This is cool. Like, you guys. I was like, what? What the fuck, dude? I'm not gonna shake hands with. The guy just fucking hit me with his car. And the guy just wouldn't stop doing that. And I was just like. So I literally. I walked away. I just. I wanted to get out of there so badly anyway, so there you go.

David Axelrod (67:46)

What was his investment in this being resolved?

Aisha Tyler (67:48)

I don't know. I wanted to be a diplomat or something. I don't. It was crazy.

David Axelrod (67:53)

And what did the guy who drove the car say to you?

Aisha Tyler (67:56)

He was just all, oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then I was. All I could think was, I don't care if my leg is broken. I want to get out of here because I want to be injured in front of a bunch of college students. Mr. Saturday night. Exactly.

David Axelrod (68:07)

Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (68:08)

I know.

John Lovett (68:08)

You thought they're gonna make fun of you.

Aisha Tyler (68:10)

I don't know. I, I, you know what it was? It was the, when I got hit, it was the, oh. And then, and I literally, I hit the top of the thing. I go like, don't fall on the ground. And I couldn't help it. I went fell on the ground and it was wet and I was wearing a suit. It was raining.

David Axelrod (68:25)

He jumped over the hood of a moving car and then got up and walked away.

John Lovett (68:29)

I agree. Here's what I want. I, here's what you're. There's such a refinement to you, such a control to you. I think it's interesting that you got hit by a car and as you're flying through the air, arms akimbo, you're like this. I hope when I land this isn't embarrassing.

Aisha Tyler (68:46)

That that's literally the all.

John Lovett (68:49)

Wow. And you're in therapy.

Aisha Tyler (68:51)

No, I'm not. I should be. I was directing also denning them out of the story. I was directing nurse Jackie at the time and so waited until I went in on the Monday to have the set doctors look at my contusion leg and they were like, you seriously didn't go to a hospital after?

John Lovett (69:08)

You didn't even go to a hospital?

Aisha Tyler (69:09)

No, I just went home to watch Saturday Night Live.

John Lovett (69:11)

You decided you went to nurse.

David Axelrod (69:15)

You heard it here first.

Aisha Tyler (69:16)

There you go. Story my wife hates. Thank you.

John Lovett (69:20)

Well, nobody in the audience is sociopaths. I. What a sweet soul you have. I want nothing but good things for you. We have to protect him at all costs.

Aisha Tyler (69:31)

Exactly.

John Lovett (69:32)

Maybe we can get him a car. All right, we come back. We come back. We have one more thing.

Paul Feig (69:40)

Kate, don't go anywhere.

John Lovett (69:42)

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David Axelrod (71:08)

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Paul Feig (71:23)

And we're back.

John Lovett (71:27)

Before we get to our wheel, on June 6, Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell from the Bull Work and I will be at the Lincoln theater in Washington DC. Wow. I've had two very strong drinks. We're gonna be on June 6th. What? Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell, me. Fuck. We have a great show. We're doing a fundraiser called Free A Fundraiser at World Pride hosted by Crooked Media and the Bulwark. We'll be celebrating Pride. We're gonna have a great time. It's gonna be a fun show, but it's a serious cause. We're gonna be raising money for the Immigrant Defenders Law Center. This is an organization representing makeup artist and actor Andre Hernandez Romero and others who have been basically who have been kidnapped and taken to El Salvador without due process. If they fall off out of our attention, if the news moves on, they will never come back. So we're trying to raise money to support their legal defense and to keep focus on this issue. Before the live show, Vote Save America will be joining with the Human Rights Campaign for protests at the US Supreme Court to bring more attention to this case. And we're donating the ticket proceeds to the Immigrant Defenders Law Center. So it'll be a big gay live show for a great cause. We're gonna raise a Lot of money during this weekend. So tickets are going. Tickets are going. So go to cricket.com events and get those tickets as quick as you can. Crooked.com events gonna be very fun. It'll be a great show. Also, the Crooked store just got a big upgrade. We have new, nicer shirts and sweatshirts and merch, and we have some beautiful, cool new designs. Also a new website. We just really wanted to upgrade everything and make sure that when you buy a shirt from us, you feel like you're gonna get, like a really great T shirt. Even though you. You can like the design, but we want to make sure you'll be really happy with the shirt itself, which you can't see on Internet.

Aisha Tyler (73:03)

Were the complaints before Joe?

John Lovett (73:04)

What? No, it's just we wanted to be. Shut up. Hey, Paul. Feek, shut the fuck up because I've.

Aisha Tyler (73:11)

Got quite a rash going.

John Lovett (73:14)

We've improved what was already great for making T shirts great again. Crooked dot com.

Aisha Tyler (73:20)

Oh, my God.

John Lovett (73:21)

Store pollination. Given me a lot to think about this evening. You've also given me the perfect alibi for a crime I absolutely couldn't have committed. Oh, you see me here. There's no way I could have pushed Tate McCrae in front of that swan boat. So to close out the show, we're gonna share something we have gotten away with with a segment we're calling Petty Criminal Minds.

Paul Feig (73:46)

Oh, no.

John Lovett (73:48)

To the wheel. Oh, it's already spinning.

Aisha Tyler (73:54)

Oh, it is.

John Lovett (73:54)

Landed on Paul.

Aisha Tyler (73:55)

Why me?

John Lovett (73:56)

What is a petty crime you've gotten away with?

Aisha Tyler (73:58)

Well, I wouldn't call it a crime.

John Lovett (74:00)

Right. I'm not saying I know exactly.

Aisha Tyler (74:01)

It's something I got away with, but there's an addendum. So I'm going to tell you the story. First. I was. When I was an actor, I was on a TV show called Dirty Dancing. The TV series, believe it or not, there was one. And in one of the scenes, I played this nerdy bellhop who wasn't in the original movie, and I had to kiss this girl. And of course, like any professional actor, I completely fell in love with the girl. I was supposed to kiss the act, and she had a band. And so I was a guitar player and a drummer, but I was a guitar player. And so I was kind of weaseled my way into the band. I'm not a good guitar player, but I've always tried to play lead guitar and picked up from other guitar players. I know little licks and bits. So one day she and her boyfriend go off to do something and I'm with the drummer and the bass player. And so we start jamming and I say, let me do a solo. I do a solo and for some reason, the planets align and I rip out the greatest guitar solo ever heard. It ends. The two guys get down in front of me. They're bowing like, oh, my God. So they. The girl and her boyfriend come back and they're like, we've got our lead guitarist. You gotta hear him. He's amazing. He's amazing. And here's the addendum on the story. They go play it. I played the worst fucking guitar solo ever. These two guys are like. And they're looking at them like they're nuts. They're all looking at me like I'm terrible. And so that was it. I was busted as being shitty.

John Lovett (75:25)

What do you think happened inside that brought out such an excellent moment?

Aisha Tyler (75:28)

It just. The planets aligned. It's total. It's the absolute definition of imposter syndrome, you know, because, like, sometimes you just kind of. Things happen. It's like making a movie. Like, you know, you think the movie's gonna be good, but, you know, a million things go into it and either it's gonna turn out or it's not. And. And it just. Luck kind of takes over at the same time with your instincts. And for some reason, I think the pressure of her not being there kind of made me, God, just going to do this thing. Yeah. And so there you go.

John Lovett (75:55)

Let me ask you this question.

Aisha Tyler (75:56)

I almost got away with it.

John Lovett (75:57)

You almost got away with it? Let me ask you this question. What's an experience? What is more likely? You're on set, you feel like you're fucking muscling something to the finish line. Because it's hard. You're like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. And it turns out to be great, or we're having a great time. Everything feels fun and funny and light. And then it turns out to be absolute dog.

Aisha Tyler (76:17)

Well, I'm always nervous about sets where the crew is. When I'm doing a comedy and everybody's laughing, they're having a great time. That's usually the worst movie because it's. The moments are great, but they don't add up. Versus. And all my sets are kind of happy. We never have stress and all that stuff. But sometimes when I made the movie Spy, we were doing that in Budapest, and I'm used to people, the crew laughing or whatever. We do 30 minute take, dead silence because they didn't really understand English. Just, you know, The Hungarians. I love them. I'm Hungarian in my. In my genealogy, but they're not. Not a gregarious people.

John Lovett (76:55)

Other countries engage.

Aisha Tyler (76:57)

Yeah.

John Lovett (76:57)

It's taken over by fascists.

Aisha Tyler (76:59)

Yeah. But there you go. We were there pre fascist, fortunately. But. But I remember just walking away from that movie going like, I think we might have made the worst movie of all time. And then it. Obviously, it kind of worked out okay.

John Lovett (77:10)

But it's a great film.

Aisha Tyler (77:11)

Thank you. Thank you.

John Lovett (77:12)

But funny.

Aisha Tyler (77:13)

Yeah. But I am nervous about when things like, everything's going great, great. Because, you know, I keep. There's two things I keep in my. In my office. One is a bust of Shakespeare to remind myself and all the writers we work with that none of us are Shakespeare, so we can keep rewriting and make it better. And the other is a model of the Titanic to remind myself how no matter how great everything seems like it's going, this could all go down in a minute.

John Lovett (77:37)

Wow. So you're an inspiring leader.

Aisha Tyler (77:38)

I am. Really.

John Lovett (77:40)

You really help people.

Aisha Tyler (77:41)

Guys, this.

John Lovett (77:42)

Imagine. Terrible.

Aisha Tyler (77:43)

Just give up. Let's just stop now.

John Lovett (77:45)

Yeah.

David Axelrod (77:46)

Yeah.

John Lovett (77:47)

Wow. Let's spin it again.

David Axelrod (77:48)

That's excellent.

Aisha Tyler (77:50)

I hope it doesn't land on me again. Yay.

David Axelrod (77:54)

Oh, God.

John Lovett (77:55)

Aisha, what's something you've gotten away with?

David Axelrod (77:57)

Oh, this was really hard for me because I'm an apple polisher. Like, I. I'm like, terrified of like, breaking the law. And I'm the kind of person who will like, find a wallet and turn it in. But I will say that when I was a kid, I had a period of like, really. So I loved movies and I was very, very nerdy and I was an outsider. So my parents would drop me off at the library, like when it opened like around 8 or 9 on Saturday. Then I would stay in there looking at books about homunculi and like, you know, tumors and stuff like that. If, you know, you know, as a child. Oh, yeah. As one does. As a child of seven or eight does. And then when I was sick of looking at the human deformities, I would go around the corner to the movie theater when it opened and I would pay for one. One matinee ticket, which, you know, back in the times of the. The oil fueled steam engine cost like a buck. And then I would just steal movies all day. So I don't know, like people. I don't know if people do that now. But, like, you know, you would just hang out in the theater like a street urchin and you would just go from movie to Movie to movie to movie to movie, to movie, to movie. And that was like. That was like my activity until I was, like, 25, like, just stealing movies. So I never. I saw. I saw the Blue Lagoon like, 17 times. Don't know how it started. Don't know how it ends. Also, War Games. I have seen War Games so many times, you guys. It is one of the greatest films of the modern era. It's so great.

John Lovett (79:20)

War Games is awesome.

David Axelrod (79:21)

It's the best.

John Lovett (79:21)

Stands up. Stands up. More relevant than ever.

David Axelrod (79:24)

I piss on a spark plug if I thought I'd do any good.

Aisha Tyler (79:26)

What was the name of the robot in the.

John Lovett (79:28)

Joshua. It's Joshua.

Aisha Tyler (79:30)

Nice.

David Axelrod (79:30)

Joshua. Well done. I was gonna say Whopper, because Whopper was the.

John Lovett (79:34)

No, that was the big computer, but it of. It was Joshua, the son of the. The dog.

David Axelrod (79:39)

It's the break. It's the. It's the Broderick break. It's the Alidi break. There's a really, really poorly drawn guy on the spectrum in there. Like a super nerd. Clearly, nowadays we'd be like, he's just, like, hyper intelligent, but in there he's like, hey, everybody, I want to do some math. Really, really stereotypical. Unkind. Yeah.

John Lovett (79:56)

That.

David Axelrod (79:57)

That performance needs to be replaced by a bottle of your gin.

Aisha Tyler (79:59)

There we go. I can digitally do that.

John Lovett (80:02)

I remember once I saw a movie and then I was like, oh, let's see a second movie for free. And then I saw Krippendorf's Tribe.

Aisha Tyler (80:08)

Oh, my God.

John Lovett (80:09)

Yeah.

Aisha Tyler (80:10)

Richard. Wait.

John Lovett (80:11)

Richard Dreyfus.

Aisha Tyler (80:11)

Yeah, exactly.

John Lovett (80:12)

Yeah. It's not good. Also, I think Jenna Elfman.

David Axelrod (80:14)

Oh, my God. Well, you're spinning the wheel. The thing is, you can pick the first film, but then you can never pick another film again because you're kind of dodging security and you've got to, like, squeeze in a couple games of Q Bert. You know, when no one's looking. Yeah. And then you gotta wait till no one's looking, and then you dash in and then you're watching Kramer vs Crazy Kramer.

John Lovett (80:30)

You gotta watch Kramer vs Kramer. It's so sad.

Aisha Tyler (80:32)

You know what just got ordered?

John Lovett (80:34)

What?

Aisha Tyler (80:34)

The whack. A mole movie.

John Lovett (80:36)

Oh, wow.

Aisha Tyler (80:37)

There you go. Wow.

John Lovett (80:38)

But it's like a gritty thing.

Aisha Tyler (80:40)

Exactly. Heads will be crushed.

John Lovett (80:43)

When I lived in New York and I was being a paralegal during the day and doing open mics at night, sometimes I would go to the AMC on 42nd street and I would go to McDonald's beforehand because the McDonald's right across the street. And I put the fries in this side and the Whopper in this side. And my cargo shorts, dude, well done. But that's not my. That's not what I've gotten away with today. Let's spin it again.

Aisha Tyler (81:02)

Respect, please. I can't believe it's you.

John Lovett (81:08)

It's landed on me.

David Axelrod (81:09)

What are the odds?

John Lovett (81:10)

For a very long time, I got away with pundit the dog being my dog being an emotional support animal. I travel back and forth across the country with this emotional support animal. She's not trained and it is. She does provide emotional support. But I remember I had to go to my friend who's a doctor, whose name I'm not going to say because I don't know about the ethics of this. They're dubious at best.

Aisha Tyler (81:34)

They're Vinnie Boombots. Exactly.

John Lovett (81:36)

And I said, can you write me a doctor's letter saying that I need an emotional support animal because I got to submit it to American Airlines because I have executive platinum status and it wasn't a big deal.

Aisha Tyler (81:46)

Quit bragging.

John Lovett (81:46)

It wasn't a big deal. But he wrote this note that was so. I was like, jesus, maybe I do need an emotional support animal. He was like, john has crippling anxiety. It prevents him from functioning. He requires this tiny golden doodle to function. If he doesn't have it, he could die. And then they changed the rules.

Aisha Tyler (82:08)

Yeah, to service dogs.

John Lovett (82:09)

To service dogs. And that required lying on, like a federal document. And as my friend knows, you don't want to do that, you know, because then you got a guy in fucking camouflage coming after you. And it's not one of the nice ones with the chicken and broth. Buckley.

Aisha Tyler (82:19)

There you go.

John Lovett (82:21)

It's one of the other ones.

David Axelrod (82:22)

Along with the Under Armour. Just a small under armor on.

Aisha Tyler (82:24)

Yeah, we did that with our. Our dog, who we just lost, sadly. But he was a. A service dog. But it was like. It was kind of a trumped up thing. Not. Not that drum. But it was like. I was like, what services he provide? He's cute, I guess, but he was a service dog.

John Lovett (82:41)

Yeah, technically. Anyway, now pundit, you know, pundit has to have a. My dog has to have Viagra every day.

Aisha Tyler (82:52)

What?

John Lovett (82:52)

Yep. For her boners. No, you know, Viagra was discovered because it was heart medicine. It was originally heart medicine. And they were like, holy crap, these old guys are getting rock hard boners. So my dog, this is the best story. My dog every morning and every night gets a Viax. And then she's just in a mood. She's just kind of in a Mood for a while after.

David Axelrod (83:17)

Yeah, like, in a mood.

John Lovett (83:19)

Yeah, yeah. But. But, you know, what's she gonna do?

David Axelrod (83:23)

She's single, so.

John Lovett (83:24)

Yeah. And she's single and ready to mingle.

Aisha Tyler (83:27)

There you go.

John Lovett (83:28)

What a weird way to end the show.

Aisha Tyler (83:31)

Can we somehow bring it back up?

David Axelrod (83:33)

What can we do?

John Lovett (83:36)

Everybody should watch Criminal Minds Evolution and Another Simple Favor.

Aisha Tyler (83:40)

Another Simple Favor is out on Amazon prime right now.

David Axelrod (83:43)

Can I volunteer a thought? I started watching Another Simple Favor and then I said to myself, much like I said when I watched James Bond, no time to die. I need to go back. I don't remember what's going on here. So it's a really fun double feature because it was a little while ago and the first film is so complex and there's so many little, like, threads and internecine jokes, everything like that. Like, go back and watch the first film again because then you'll enjoy the second one so much more when you remember exactly where it left off.

Aisha Tyler (84:10)

Thank you. And I will say, just the plug. It used to be on Netflix. It just went to Amazon prime, the first one. So you can watch them together.

David Axelrod (84:17)

You can watch them together. Yeah. And it was great. It was a really great double feature.

John Lovett (84:19)

Like when salmon go from upstream to downstream, you know, and they're like, you know, they go from fresh water to saltwater.

Aisha Tyler (84:25)

It's spawning.

John Lovett (84:26)

And you were telling me backstage you support Baldoni. Is that right? No.

Aisha Tyler (84:36)

Oh, my God. Well, here comes my subpoena.

John Lovett (84:42)

And that's our show. Thank you so much to Paulie and Aisha Tyler. We'll see you next week right here at Dynasty typewriter. There are 528 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked media on Instagram, TikTok and all the other ones for original content, community events and more. You can also find Love it or leave it on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content. And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad free Love it or Leave it and Pod Save America episodes, subscriber, exclusive podcast and more. Sign up@crooked.com friends love it or Leave it is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer, Bill McGrath is our producer, and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Kiefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Will Miles are our writers. Jordan Kantor is our editor, Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written of In Front, performed by Cher. Sure. Thanks to our designer, Sammy Cadorna Rees for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And thanks to our digital producers, David Tools, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, Delon Villanueva and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week. Our head of production is Matt de Groat, our head of programming is Madeline Herringer, and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America. It's love it or leave it. Greg's car shopping. And since he lives in Florida, your marketing's probably pushing something a little sporty. Too bad you don't know he's planning a move to a la. Turns out marketing without a clear picture of your customer is like driving a convertible in the Arctic. A bad idea. Learn how TransUnion's 360 degree view of customer identity is bringing clarity to marketing chaos through deeper insights, smarter reach, and precise measurement. @transunion.com clarity.

Paul Feig (87:04)

It'S the Smuckers Uncrustables podcast.

John Lovett (87:07)

With your host Uncrustables.

Paul Feig (87:10)

Okay, today's guest is rough around the edges. Please welcome crust.

Aisha Tyler (87:15)

Thanks for having me.

Paul Feig (87:16)

Today's topic he's round with soft pillowy bread.

Aisha Tyler (87:19)

Hey. Filled with delicious PB and J. Are you talking about yourself?

Paul Feig (87:23)

And you can take them anywhere.

Aisha Tyler (87:25)

Why'd you invite and we are out of time. Are you really cutting me off? Uncrustables are the best part of the sandwich. Sorry, crust.