The Pool is Always Greener

Summary

Lovett or Leave It — "The Pool is Always Greener"

Date: June 24, 2026

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Episode Overview

This live episode of Lovett or Leave It, hosted by Jon Lovett, delivers his signature satirical breakdown of the week’s news. The main theme is government dysfunction as reflected in two literal and metaphorical "pools": high-stakes U.S. politics abroad (Iran nuclear talks) and the actual reflecting pool at the National Mall, plagued by mismanagement and comical corruption. The show also explores the decline of local news, L.A. politics, and the chaos of modern family life, featuring guests Matt Hamilton (LA Material), comedians Ali Siddiq and Ify Nwadiwe, plus the ever-present blend of political insight and absurdity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. The National (Reflecting) Pool Scandal

(00:55 – 12:30)

• Political Satire & Real News:
  Lovett lampoons Vice President J.D. Vance’s negotiations with Iran, poking fun at his analogies (“We know what a foundation is. We know the foundation is the base on which a building may or may not be built.” — Lovett, 01:11).
• Reflecting Pool Fiasco:
  Trump’s failed attempts to “fix” the National Mall Reflecting Pool serve as an allegory for government waste and incompetence:
  • Crony contracts given to shady Trump donors (“He looks like if the one guy sleazier than Donald Trump ate Donald Trump.” — Lovett, 07:15)
  • Pool filled with algae after expensive, no-bid repairs—damage blamed on mysterious "vandals" and "saboteurs."
• Absurdist Touches:
  Lovett humorously details the saga (“If you stab a pool and it instantly becomes a giant composting toilet, there’s still a problem with the pool.” — Lovett, 10:05) and the mock-protests (“Team Algae. Let’s grow algae, let’s grow.” — Protesters via Lovett, 12:15).

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2. Local News in Crisis: Conversation with Matt Hamilton

(17:09 – 29:11)

• Lovett interviews Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Matt Hamilton about LA Material, a new local news outlet.
• Discusses the decline of robust, informative local news and the LA Times abandoning candidate endorsements because of billionaire ownership interference (“The short story is there’s no one left to make endorsements.” — Hamilton, 17:57).
• Outlines three problematic models for local journalism: “oligarchs, nonprofits, and hedge funds.” None perfectly serve the citizen, with wealthy owners, nonprofit budget woes, or profit-driven management.
• LA Material’s mission: make LA politics accessible, understandable, and fun:
  “We want to bring information to help you be a better-informed consumer, voter, all of the above. But we also want to make it fun.” — Hamilton, 20:34
• Lovett and Hamilton dig into the complexities of L.A. city and county governance—highlighting limited mayoral power and the nearly invisible but massively powerful county Board of Supervisors.

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3. L.A. Fires, Bureaucracy & Accountability

(21:59 – 29:11)

• Ongoing warehouse fire in Boyle Heights sparks discussion of Mayor Karen Bass’ out-of-town status, city emergency response, and the persistent problem of overlapping, confusing government authorities in Los Angeles.
• Lovett notes, “A democracy in Ohio has a legislature, a governor, an attorney general... Los Angeles county is run by five people.”
• The paltry number of firefighters despite L.A.’s economic status, persistent budget shortfalls, and the challenges of public accountability with so much power diffused among so few officials.
• Satirical, sharp, but ultimately a lament for the difficulty in fixing or even understanding how things go wrong locally.

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4. Game Segment: “You Better Lurk, Bitch!”

(29:23 – 33:21)

• A quiz on famous political pseudonyms featuring Hamilton.
• Notable quotes:
  • “That’s what Republicans used to be—rich guys that spoke French.” (Lovett, 29:40, on Romney’s “Pierre Delecto”)
  • “This guy, this tall asshole, is even self-righteous when he’s pretending to be someone else on the internet.” (Lovett, 31:24 on James Comey’s fake Twitter account)
• Playful jabs at the self-serious and absurd sides of politicians’ hidden online lives.

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5. Comedy Panel: Ali Siddiq & Ify Nwadiwe

(36:16 – 47:28)

• The comics join Lovett for a wide-ranging discussion of Father’s Day, difficult parental relationships, and their crafts.
• Family Roles:
  • Ali Siddiq shares about becoming a grandfather (“My oldest daughter gave me something. A baby. I’m a grandfather now.” — Siddiq, 37:00)
  • Ify’s Nigerian family expectations, “My dad told me to run away from my dreams. He said they were nightmares. But now if you ask him, he'll say he always believed in me.” (41:38)
• Comedy & Platforms:
  • Siddiq discusses the artistic and economic freedom of self-releasing specials (“I have six specials in the can, and I’m just dropping them as I see fit.” — Siddiq, 43:29)
• Nerdiness & Stereotypes:
  • Reveals Siddiq’s hobby: gardening—including growing corn and okra, which surprises Lovett.

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6. Family Dilemmas Game: “When You’re Here, You’re Family (Derogatory)”

(49:36 – 60:05)

• “Would you rather?” questions about parental/child relationships and family chaos, with comedians spinning tales out of childhood trauma, internet mishaps, and parental disappointment.
• Ify’s harrowing story of being 12, cybersex, and a real-life FBI investigation:
  • “When I was 12, the FBI thought I was an adult having cybersex with another child, but it was just a kid my age… they gave the chat files to my parents.” (49:53–50:27)
• Lovett’s ever-present absurdity: “If you stab a pool and it instantly becomes a giant composting toilet, there’s still a problem with the pool.” (10:05)

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7. Second Thoughts — Regrets & Reflections

(60:21 – end)

• Panelists and Lovett run through “regrets” about the show, mostly comedic:
  • Sad Tony Bennett joke
  • “Horny James Comey” reference
  • Repeating “Too many Nigerians” (Lovett: “See, you shouldn’t say it, it was wrong from you.” 62:59)
  • Deep dives on the trauma and joys of baked potatoes.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Thanks for spelling out the analogy of a foundation, you charisma void.” — Lovett, 01:11
• “Who are you going to believe, a bunch of lying, bloodthirsty religious extremists, or the Iranians?” — Lovett, 04:28
• “You shouldn’t be awarding contracts to people who you found on a Guess Who board.” — Lovett, 07:54
• “Algae was either created by God or evolution, or if you're a liberal churchgoer, trying to avoid the contradictions in your mind, God through evolution.” — Lovett, 09:40
• “They just won't stop growing” (Lovett on Fast Growing Trees, 48:34)
• “If you stab a pool and it instantly becomes a giant composting toilet, there’s still a problem with the pool.” — Lovett, 10:05
• “I’m mostly proud of ‘too many Nigerians’.” — Siddiq, 63:28

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Important Timestamps

• 00:55 – 12:30: The “Reflecting Pool” saga and political monologue
• 17:09 – 29:11: Local news, LA Material, and LA governance with Matt Hamilton
• 29:23 – 33:21: “You Better Lurk, Bitch!” political pseudonym game
• 36:16 – 47:28: Comedy panel: Family, Father’s Day, career reflections
• 49:36 – 60:05: “When You’re Here, You’re Family (Derogatory)” dilemmas
• 60:21 – end: “Second Thoughts” & regrets segment

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Tone & Style

Lovett’s signature combination of sharp political satire, meta-humor, and absurdism carries the show. The episode vacillates between sincere insights into the problems with modern American governance/media and gleeful digressions into the ridiculousness of public life and personal story.

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Summary

“The Pool is Always Greener” is an episode rich in political comedy, media criticism, and playful banter about how American life—from diplomacy to city politics to awkward family moments—mirrors a dysfunctional, algae-ridden pool: expensive to repair, full of finger-pointing, and strangely captivating in its failures. With smart guests, relatable stories, and Lovett’s unmatched comic voice, the episode is both an incisive, engaging exploration of the week’s news and a riotous showcase of how to laugh through the madness.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Chill out.

[A]

Oh, it's going to be fine. May his memory be a blessing. All analogies as what he called intuition, pumps in that an analogy can push you towards an intuitive understanding, even if that understanding is wrong. For example, a house is like a complex nuclear deal in that you start by laying a framework and you build from there. It's not like a complex nuclear deal in that when you're building a house, you don't lay the foundation before you have a final plan for the fucking house. And if you and your contractor have said explicitly that you would like to build completely different houses, and if any of your rooms do not fit their vision, they'll blow up the whole fucking house. And yes, I know that spelling all this out makes me seem like Trump's energy secretary in this clip. Thank you, Mr. President. So 120, 141 years ago, Albert Einstein. 121 years ago, Albert Einstein published a paper on Twitter. Nobody cares. Just when you think. Just when you think he's lost it, Trump shows us that the part of his brain that's responsible for bullying is still lighting up like the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. Like how towards the end, when he performed with Lady Gaga, Tony Bennett wouldn't know where he was, but when she poked him with a stick, the duets were magical. You know what I'm saying? You see his face turning. The guy really fucked up because if he had just not got confused about the length of time how long ago Einstein published those papers, which was 1905. So it was 121 years ago. If he hadn't gotten screwed up on the number, he might have been able to get his little story out. But you see Trump's face being like, I'm gonna fucking. I'm gonna lay this guy on the ground. Nobody cares. Absolutely devastating. The fact that that is so funny is how we got here. Anyway. Vance claimed at the news briefing that Iran had agreed to allow nuclear inspections in the country, but Iran's foreign minister denied it. But who are you going to believe? A bunch of lying, bloodthirsty religious extremists or the Iranians? Before leaving Switzerland, Vance was asked about an awkward moment at the talks. There was a moment yesterday when Orochi came into the room and did not greet you, Deck. You guys did not shake hands, and then he walked out of the room. Did you feel snubbed by that? Did you feel it was an intentional move on their part? How did you interpret what happened? No, I mean, trust me, I've spent

[C]

a lot of time dealing with the

[A]

Iranians over the last few months. Sometimes I find them extremely confusing as negotiators. Nah, I see where they're coming from, said the Pope. The talks almost fell apart after Trump issued a series of threats over the weekend, including this one. He says, we may take over the strait if we have to. I'll blow the S out of them. Happy pride, everybody. We'll block the straight from here and maybe from here. We'll block it from both direct. Here is Vance defending the President's threats. What we told the Iranians yesterday is when you guys engage in what us millennials might call trash talk, you can't expect the President of the United States not to respond and not to correct the record. Every once in a while I remember that I'm two years older than J.D. vance, and it makes me want to develop a nuclear enrichment program of my own. The Pentagon has reportedly told senators that it needs $80 billion in new funding to cover the cost of the war in Iran. Has the Pentagon considered asking the soldiers to bring their own missiles from home? Said a third grade teacher buying Elmer's glue on her way to work. Buckle up, she returns later. So if you didn't like that, wait, she's coming back. Made you uncomfortable thinking about teachers buying school supplies on their way to work while we're spending $80 billion to bomb Iran and then pay them more to fix the stuff we bombed. Stay tuned. We'll keep talking about it. Meanwhile, the Senate on Tuesday passed a war powers resolution with four Republicans joining every Democrat and voting yes except for contrarian ogre John Fetterman. The resolution is basically a slap on the wrist, which in Trump's condition could be fatal. Mitch McConnell missed the vote as he was in the hospital for an acute case of touching the water in the reflecting pool. Speaking of as Trump struggles to secure a body of water in the Middle east, he's also struggling to gain control of another body of water right here at home. To catch you up, Trump said only he could fix the reflecting pool on the National Mall. We're going to be able to do it for about a million 8, 1.8 million and it's going to take one week. In the end, no part of this was true. Not the cost estimate, not the time estimate, not even the phrase we're going to be able to do it. Then the Trump Administration awarded a 1.7 million doll no bid contract to a Trump donor named John J. Caffaro and his company, Green Water Solutions. And I also can't stress this enough. This is what John Jay Caffaro looks like. It's unbelievable. He looks like if the one guy sleazier than Donald Trump ate Donald Trump. He looks like the ringmaster who is furious that Dumbo is too sad about his mom to fly. He looks like he's in town for the Addams Family reunion but can't attend because it's too close to a school. Here's one where he's chomping On a literal cigar. Even if you knew nothing about this man, we should not be trusting the aesthetics of our National Mall to someone who lets his eyebrows go gray while dyeing the rest of his hair. Jet fucking black. Cavaro gave $250,000 to the Trump Victory Committee back in 2020. He is also a convicted felon, having pleaded guilty in 2001 to bribing corrupt Ohio Congressman James Trafigant, who looked like this. And as a rule of thumb, you should not be awarding contracts to people who you found on a Guess who board. The administration also awarded an even bigger no bid contract over $14 million to reline the reflecting pool in what they called American flag blue. But the only thing that's blue are my balls waiting for Trump to fix this reflecting pool. Because the reflecting pool is once again filled with green algae and the new lining is peeling off in chunks. And so our big boy is embarrassed. Part of what's curious about this situation is we stood here with you in April when you first revealed the plans. I said, what?

[B]

In April?

[A]

You showed us pictures of what you were going to do when you said

[B]

you had a guy who was going

[A]

to do it in a week for about a million dollars. Well, it's been two months. Sixteen and a half million.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, ready?

[A]

Barack Hussein Obama.

[C]

Have you ever heard of him?

[A]

Guy hasn't been president for a decade. Trump really has Obama on the brain in the spots. The dementia hasn't eaten, of course. And so now Trump is claiming that the reason the pool is green and peeling is not because of corruption and incompetence, but because of sabotage. We also fixed the reflecting pool. In fact, if you go over there

[C]

right now, it looks very good.

[A]

It's up. They put, somebody said fertilizer in the water. If you put fertilizer in the water, you get algae. But somebody said they might have put fertilizer. They did something to create the algae. No one creates the algae. It was always there. It never left. Algae was either created by God or evolution, or if you're a liberal churchgoer, trying to avoid the contradictions in your mind, God threw evolution. This is like leaving a bunch of plums in your kitchen and coming back after vacation to find fruit flies and announcing that someone must have broken into your house with some sort of fruit fly gun. Trump was adamant that it was knife wielding vandals, not as contractors who were to blame. Are the contractors who did the initial work for the reflecting pool, are they

[C]

to blame for the current condition?

[D]

Or is it vandalism no, vandals.

[A]

They went in there with a knife. Let's assume Trump is right. Let's just assume it. Let's assume he's right and that vandals went in there with a knife. Should you be able to do that to a pool with a knife? I still think, I think if you stab a pool and it instantly becomes a giant composting toilet, there's still a problem with the pool. The same traders Trump claimed poured corrosive and destructive chemicals into the pool, describing the vandalism as, quote, an affront to both Presidents George Washington and Abraham Lincoln and should be dealt with accordingly. Whoa, hold on there, Mr. President. I agree these vandals are bad news, but I don't think they deserve what Abraham Lincoln got. Famously murdered. Besides, whatever happened, Lincoln is not part of it. It's like if my toilet started overflowing and I accused nefarious toilet scoundrels of disrespecting Vanessa Hudgens, who hasn't lived in my house for years. And for our new listeners, I live in Vanessa Hudgens old house and I keep wrecking my toilet. At least six people have been arrested and cited, but not for tampering with the pool, rather for grabbing pieces of detached pool coating that are floating to the surface. And that's just a fun souvenir, like taking home a piece of the Berlin Wall. If the Berlin Wall collapsed because of Soviet incompetence, which, in a sense, it did. On Monday, a dead duckling could be seen floating in the reflecting pool, but only briefly, as Health Secretary RFK Jr soon swallowed it whole. The ongoing pool. This saga has inspired protests, including members of the public who have declared themselves Team Algae.

[C]

Let's grow algae. Let's grow.

[A]

To recruit new team members, they posted a kelp wanted ad. Speaking of affronts to the nation. On Friday, Trump unveiled the luxury Boeing 747 he received as a gift from Qatar, which will ever so briefly serve as the new Air Force One. This clip is, of course, from last week, before the plane was completely covered in a thick layer of algae. Here's the President bragging about his new toy. This plane was transformed into a flying White House at a level of luxury that nobody's ever seen before. Wow, cool. Said that same third grade teacher from earlier, wading through a creek to catch frogs for her students to dissect. You're upset about America. The joke is good. Put that on my tombstone. All right, we've got a great show for you tonight, and we'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up. Love it or Leave it is brought to you by SimpliSafe the problem with most security systems is that they only alert you after a break in has already started and that is too late. That's why I set up a SimpliSafe to secure my home. Using the Outdoor Camera Series 2 and advanced AI alert, SimpliSafe's US based live agents can identify threats on your property and help deter them. Stopping crime before it starts. That's real peace of mind. It was very easy to set up a SimpliSafe. As I've mentioned, you can customize it to your home and then the app was really reliable, really easy to use and the customer support was also great. Just gives you a peace of mind. With SimpliSafe there are no long term contracts or cancellation fees. SimpliSafe earns your business by keeping you safe, not trapping you in a contract. It's fast and easy to set up on your own. No drilling required, no waiting around for a technician. The app guided installation walks you through the process so you can get your system armed in less than an hour. And best of all, SimpliSafe is actually affordable. Monitoring plans start affordably at around $1 per day. We want you to experience the peace of mind of real home security, which is why we've partnered with Simply Safe to offer an exclusive discount to Love it or Leave it listeners. Right now you can get 50% off your new system by visiting simplisafe.com Love it. That's half [e-mail] Love it. There's no Safe like Simply Safe. Love or Leave it is brought to you by Tommy John this summer when you're sticking to all your hot weather plans, don't let your clothes stick to you. This season and every other Tommy John has you covered with breathable underwear and undershirts designed to keep you cool, dry and feeling like less of a swamp creature. Tommy John's base layers are lightweight moisture wicking and built with breathable stretch fabric that actually moves with you so you're not spending your precious little time on earth checking for sweat stains. Your first purchase is covered by their risk free guarantee. So if you're not happy, Tommy John will make it right. With over 30 million pairs of underwear sold. There are thousands of guys out there more comfortable than you right now, so don't suffer this summer. I'm one of those people. I'm wearing Tommy John right now. I have all Tommy John underwear. I had a lot of cool cotton. That's one of the kinds of fabric they have. I've basically upgraded to the second skin underwear which I also really like. I just wear it every day. Super comfortable. So go to tommyjohn.com today and save 25% on your first order with code Love it. Comfort perfected. Just use Code Love it at checkout and upgrade your essentials today. Tommyjohn.com code love it. And we're back. We'll have our guests out in just a moment. But first a big thank you to our friends of the pod. If you are not yet a subscriber, consider this your midterm reminder. When you become a Friend of the Pod subscriber, you get a discounted ticket to CrookedCon. You get ad free episodes of all your favorite pods. You unlock more Pod Save America, including Pod Save America Only Friends. That is our subscription only show that is very loose where we say the things that we don't want everybody to hear. You get our Open Tabs newsletter, you get Dan Pfeiffer's Polar Coaster. You get ad free breaking news episodes and more. Plus your subscription helps support pro democracy media and trying to get good information in front of more people. So please, please, please become a friend of the [e-mail] friends. And if you're in LA, you can still get [e-mail] events to check out our new space and upcoming guests including John Stamos, Jody Turner Smith, Mark Duplass and more. And now please welcome to the stage he's made of some of the finest LA material. It's Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Matt Hamilton. Hi, welcome. Good to meet you. Thanks for being here.

[B]

Thank you for having me.

[A]

So you're a part of LA Material, which is a new local news outlet. You left the LA Times?

[B]

Yes, I was there for a decade.

[A]

For a decade. And the LA Times has gotten under some big changes under its billionaire owner. And one that I think is really frustrating for a lot of people is the LA Times used to be an incredibly valuable resource for local elections because if LA and California generally our ballots are stupid and insane. They have dozens and dozens and dozens of offices and different initiatives you have to vote on. And you're voting for things like water commissioner. It's like, well, I don't know how to be an educated water commissioner vote. I don't know what a tax abatement specialist does, et cetera. And LA Times used to give you endorsements and then they stopped. Why?

[B]

So I'll take you back two years ago to the 2024 election, the LA Times had issued all their endorsements except for one in the presidential race. And the board, this editorial board, a bunch of opinion journalists had planned to endorse Kamala Harris. But the billionaire owner, Dr. Patrick Sunshong, he blocked it at the last minute and that triggered all uproar. Board members resigned one after the other. So they're all gone. The short story is there's no one there to make endorsements at this point. So this was the first election, the first local election in which there was nothing for any race, Nothing.

[A]

And I went to the LA Times, I was like, well, what the fuck? I don't know these judges from adam.

[B]

I know they did issue voter guides, so they do give a state of the race, but there's no recommendation of who to vote for or their explanation. And that was a very robust process. It wasn't just a bunch of people saying, yeah, pick the Democrat. They talked to both candidates or every candidate in a race. They talked to supporters of a ballot measure. I mean, all the way down to like community college district, like low level ballot measures. I mean the things often as a voter in California, the first time you see someone's name might be when you're looking at your ballot. And that's a big problem if you want to make a choice about who to vote for.

[A]

And so I mean, I do think this is obviously is an LA issue, but it's a broader issue about what happens when the local news business is seen as a losing bet. And so you end up either with non profits that struggle to generate revenue and to cover the cost of journalism, or you have like these sort of wealthy backers that have their own interests.

[B]

Yes, there's the oligarchs, there's the nonprofits and there's hedge funds. Those are kind of the three main forces in local news at the moment. And that's, you know, all of those have very specific interests, some of them very noble, some of them very admirable. But the consumer, the citizen isn't always the best served in that equation.

[A]

So you're now at LA Material, which is a new outlet and I should disclose that it was started by friends of mine. I am a supporter, subscriber, investor in LA Material. I'm rooting for the success of your.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Of your organization. But can you talk about what, like, what the. Like why. What is it doing that you think the LA Times is not doing?

[B]

You know, I think the LA Times does great work. They do great reporting. Local TV does some great reporting. We're there to try to make LA legible. We're very small. We're focusing on compressing, making it accessible to your average news consumer and really meet people where they are. Whether daily newsletter that's for free, a podcast that we're rolling out soon, and exclusives that the way we look at a story is it's something you want to send your group chat, your family group chat, something that lights up conversation that makes you feel smarter. That's our goal. Yes, we want to bring information to help you be a better informed consumer voter. All of the above. But we also want to make it fun. I mean, that's a huge part. News doesn't feel fun a lot. And we want to bring a dose of that, too.

[A]

Yeah, Louisiana deserves more fun news, because

[B]

you need more fun.

[A]

Well, it's just there, it's like the LA Times, even before all of this sort of, there was an LA Times kind of, I don't know, tone in which it was like, it's Hollywood. Why is everything so serious all the time? Like, this is a silly, ridiculous place. It deserves silly, ridiculous coverage that's not by the New York Post.

[B]

And also, LA is very hard to understand. And I think that it's hard to write news because sometimes there's the insider that knows what the difference between the county and the city and all the different structures of government are. And then there's a bunch of people who are like, what are they talking about? What's a county supervisor? So I think we're at the mind of trying to reach people who may have no idea what the hell their local government is doing or how it's structured and bring a sense of context and sweep to make that easily accessible.

[A]

Yeah. Well, speaking of the multiple layers of government here in Los Angeles, what did you think is like a story about Democratic governance in other places, too? We're in the middle of this fire emergency again. In Los Angeles. There is an ongoing fire. As we record this, there is still a fire at a warehouse in Boyle Heights, which is a neighborhood of Los Angeles. And you know, it's still burning because Los Feliz smells like fish sticks. It is a frozen food warehouse.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Mayor Bass famously under a lot of scrutiny for what happened with the fires in the Palisades and Altadena. What's happening with her response to the fire this time?

[B]

You know, a big talking point that has emerged in kind of conservative media. I think the California Post had a big op ed today is Mayor Bass was in Chicago for the Obama Library opening on Thursday. And this is a fire that started Wednesday. And actually just before I got here, I finally confirmed she had gone to Chicago Wednesday, well before the fire had started. So she wasn't out of. She didn't leave town after the fire started, but she was out of town. So there's this kind of echo to the Palisades fire. Mayor Bass was famously in Ghana when that broke out. There had been all these red flag warnings, so there's some scrutiny there. But at the end of the day, she runs the fire department and the LA Fire Department is the one responding to this warehouse fire. And it's kind of an emerging public health crisis. There's so much we don't know. And we ran a story today that talked about, yes, there's pollution sensors, air quality sensors that tell you some information about there is particulate in the air. We just don't know the type of heavy metals and toxins that are in the air at the moment.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, so we smell it, we see it, the fire is still going on. And, and Mayor Bass has kind of been front and center. She's been having like press conferences, excuse me, press availabilities. But it's still kind of an emerging crisis at the moment.

[A]

Yeah, well, part of this doesn't just get laid at the feet of Karen Bass. There is a larger problem in the governance of democratic cities, both in the ways in which, through years of sort of progressive reform, there's just a lot of bureaucracy that stymies the ability of leaders to just make quick decisions because they're meant to be more accountable. And that accountability comes with sort of sludgy process. But also la, we are one of the biggest and richest cities in the country, in the fifth or fourth largest economy on Earth. We have the same number of firefighters in Los Angeles today as we did decades ago. And a massive budget deficit we can't seem to close. And so even as the firefighters are trying their best to deal with this situation, they are struggling because of a resource problem.

[B]

I think there's to some extent maybe a resource problem. I think it's just the structure itself is inherently complicated. We're talking, it's a half million square feet. There's 85 million pounds of frozen food

[A]

inside, hence the smell of the fish

[B]

sticks, like kind of this very specific foam lining. This is a frozen food warehouse and it's in a dense area. So it's kind of getting to it, getting to where the fire is, navigating the complexities of all that food inside, all of that is not necessarily preventable or foreseeable. Like, it's not like Mayor Bass knew this fire was going to break out when she went to Chicago or the fire department for that matter. So I think I give a little latitude to the complexity of this type of fire.

[A]

You never want to see the fire department being like, it's going to burn for a while, it's going to get better, then it's going to get worse, we're not sure. And then the meat's going to rotate. What's going to happen to them? Rotting niche.

[B]

And you know, you've. There was footage today of like rats in the area.

[A]

So it's just, oh no, the rats have caught fire and now they're running amok.

[B]

So it's just one thing after another.

[A]

Mayor Karen Bass, what will you do to stop the flaming fire rats from ransacking our city? Why are you in Chicago?

[B]

It's, I mean, that's a question for her. But I think one data point, this same company had a fire, I believe, in Washington or two years ago.

[A]

Two years ago in Washington in 20, 24, 60 fucking days. Yeah, this thing burned.

[B]

So what?

[A]

Right? Isn't that crazy? What do you mean you can't put it out? What's all the science for? Why do we build space shuttles if you can't put out this fucking fire?

[B]

No comment.

[A]

We put, we, we pretended to put people on the moon for this.

[B]

No, I mean another part of it is. So L. A is very complicated, as you said. And there's Los Angeles, but then there's all these neighboring cities. And so right next to where this fire is is an area called East Los Angeles. Now East Los Angeles, they don't have a mayor, they don't have a city council, they're unincorporated LA County. So they exist in this kind of quasi no man's land that is run by the Board of Supervisors, which is a five member body that oversees a $50 billion budget. Now 50 billion, LA City's budget is 15 billion. So this is this kind of like shit show, if you will, of LA

[A]

municipal government and it's for people that are not from here. LA county is roughly the size of Ohio. A democracy in Ohio has a legislature, a governor, an attorney general. It has all of these people and all of these agencies. Los Angeles county is run by five people. Yes, five people. This star chamber that nobody really knows much about but controls basically one of

[B]

the biggest public health, children, family services, sheriff's department, budget, public works, I mean Extremely powerful, Very little coverage.

[A]

I said this to Mayor Bass when she was on the the show once, which is like the idea that the fact that we have a weak mayorship.

[D]

Right.

[A]

A lot of people like, oh, why can't LA have our own Mamdani? And well, they only made one of him and he's over there somehow. But also LA has a weak mayorship in part because of this strong county. And man, I wonder when we're going to start talking about Los Angeles, the city leaving Los Angeles, the county, or figuring out some new arrangement. Because this is whether it's the fires

[B]

or

[A]

a whole bunch of other issues of mismanagement. Like this is a, this is no way to run a railroad.

[B]

Yeah. I mean it's government by committee. And when power is diffused like that, it's also very hard to hold people accountable and kind of figure out where the buck stops. And I think Mayor Bass, there's plenty of things she does control, but I think in the public eye she absorbs a lot more criticism than she's deserved. I think in part because there's. People just have this idea the mayor of LA controls all of this and she has a very limited sphere in which she operates that I totally think we should hold her accountable for. Don't get me wrong.

[A]

So earlier this year, LA Material uncovered the secret Instagram account of Disney CEO Bob Iger, who stepped down a few months ago. His secret Instagram handle was maxstriker.

[B]

Great name, great name.

[A]

Which is why we're playing a game. We're calling you better Lurk, bitch. I'm going to name a famous pseudonym. You have to tell us the man behind it. Are you ready? I don't think I am. First up, Pierre Delicto.

[D]

Oh,

[B]

Mitt Romney.

[A]

That's correct. In 2019, Atlantic confronted Romney about a Slate article claiming he had a lurker Twitter account under the name Pierre Delicto. And then Senator from Utah replied, I don't know. How do you do French? You seem like you might know. Oh, c' est moi. That's what Mitt Romney said. That's what Republicans used to be rich guys that spoke French. Next up, we have the pseudonym George Fox.

[B]

George Fox.

[A]

Mm. It was uncovered a week after this person was busted as part of a high priced prostitution ring.

[B]

Oh, Elliot Spitzer.

[A]

It is. It's Elliot Spitzer.

[B]

Thank you for the hint.

[A]

It was his pseudonym and he used the name George Fox. And George Fox was a real person. And George Fox had to put out a statement that said Mr. Fox has known Governor Spitzer for 20 years and has been a supporter during the governor's various campaigns. The news that his name may have been used as an alias comes as a great surprise and disappointment. Next up, John Barron.

[B]

Oh, how could I forget Donald J. Trump.

[A]

That's right. He used it as a pseudonymous. He also used John Miller to call in and praise himself during his divorce from Marla Maples. We call CNN as John Miller to say, God, this guy trumps great. Marlon Maples sucks ass. He also used the name David Dennison when signing his documents with Stormy Daniels.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

Next up, Reinhold Niebuhr. Reinhold Niebuhr, the German theologian. The theologian and philosopher Reinhold Niebuhr.

[B]

That would be our esteemed former FBI director, Jim Comey.

[A]

Yes, James Comey. Even at a smug and fucking pompous fake pseudonym. This guy, this tall asshole is even self righteous when he's pretending to be someone else on the Internet.

[B]

Unlike Max Stryker.

[A]

Unlike Max Stryker. That's just cool. Oh, wow. I didn't realize that one of Reinhold Niebuhr's posts was what's the point of watching fully clothed beach volleyball? NBCOlympics.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Come on. James Comey. A little bit dirty.

[B]

11pm Too.

[A]

11pm he had a tall glass of wine, I think. Last one, Carlos Danger. Oh, Carlos Danger.

[B]

How am I blanking on this?

[A]

It was, what he was doing was also quite dangerous and illegal and he did pay a price for also may have been the thing that led to Trump. Oh, and his laptop, but not the Hunter laptop. He was a member of Congress. There were emails on the laptop that became part of a surprise probe that led Comey to send the letter.

[B]

Oh, oh, of course. Anthony Weiner.

[A]

That's right, Anthony Weiner. You got it. There he is.

[B]

Thank you for the help.

[A]

You're welcome. So I, when I was in politics, I would write jokes for politicians. Sometimes just almost as like sometimes you do whole speeches. But a lot of times people, because people knew I wrote jokes for people, they would just reach out, hey, do you have a couple jokes here? A couple cozy. A couple of jokes there. And I, so I had written a few jokes for Anthony Weiner when he was a member of Congress, pre disgrace. And then I remember when this, remember what happened was he had posted an image of his like underwear, like a, like a, like a penis shot of his underwear. What do you call it?

[D]

Bulge.

[B]

Bulge shot. Crotch shot.

[A]

A crotch shot bulge. And, and then deleted it. And I remember thinking, I believe him. He was hacked. Thank you to Matt Hamilton, everybody. Check out his [e-mail] and find him at hamiltonmat. Yes on X. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of love it or leave it coming up. Love it or leave it is brought to you by select Quote. They say there are two certainties in life, death and taxes. But at least with taxes, there's a chance you'll get a refund. With life insurance, you're just making sure your family doesn't get the bill. Life insurance is something you want to get right, the right coverage and the right price, no matter where the status of your health stands. Find the right life insurance for you with select quote. For over 40 years, Selectquote has been one of the most trusted brokers in insurance, helping More than 2 million Americans secure over $700 billion in coverage. Their mission is simple. To find you the right insurance policy for your unique needs. They shop, you save. Unlike other one size fits all life insurance companies, Selectquote's licensed agents work for you in as little as 15 minutes. They'll compare policies from top rated carriers to find you the best fit for your health and your budget. And they work for you for free. Have high blood pressure, diabetes or heart disease. Selectquote's partners have policies designed for many pre existing health conditions so you can get the protection you deserve. Get the right life insurance for you for less and Save more than 50% on term life [e-mail] Love it. That's SelectQuote.com Love it. Love it or leave it. Brought to you by Helix Sleep. God, it's important. A good night's rest sets you up for a great day. Go on a rant of previous sleep issues you've had. Okay. Anxiety, too much caffeine, muscle pains, muscle pains, muscle pains. Soreness of the neck and back. Neck soreness. Boy, my neck, my back, my. Yep, yep. Arm bar. Right. And your rack. And your what? Okay. Helix has solved all of those issues for Tommy for sure. He hasn't talked about his neck or his back in a while.

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Not in a while.

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[D]

I'm good.

[A]

Come on in. Welcome. Nice to see you both. Did your kids get you anything for Father's Day, Ali?

[D]

Yes. My youngest baby gave me a dollar. I was very excited.

[A]

Wrapped.

[D]

No, just. She just lose. She found her coin purse and was like, man. And I was like, perfect.

[A]

That's sweet.

[D]

Yeah, I loved it. That's the only money I've ever gotten. I have a 1332 year old too. He didn't give me anything.

[A]

Did he get a phone call?

[D]

No, no phone call. I got a text. A text in the middle of the

[A]

day, you gotta call?

[D]

No, he sucks. But my, my oldest daughter gave me something.

[A]

What?

[D]

A baby. Ooh. I'm a grandfather now.

[A]

Your grandfather?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

So, and so that and, and Father's Day is additive, right? Like you get Father's Day applies to grandchildren. They have to call you too eventually, hopefully, right?

[D]

Maybe I get another dollar.

[A]

Yeah. Do you get anything for Father's Day?

[D]

Yeah, no.

[C]

I got a board game called Thunder Road Vendetta.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is that a sequel to Thunder Road or is it called Thunder Road Vendetta?

[C]

Thunder Road used to be a board game that existed, I think in the 80s based off of Mad Max. And then they remade it and did the new like, mod and it was really cool. So there's one that I got the bass set and then my fiance got me the expansion to go with it where it's like. It's called like Twisted Tina because it's based off of Thunderdome with Tina Turner. Yeah, exactly.

[D]

These were nice.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Did you see it in the 80s?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. I used to love what's Love Got to Do with It? That used to be my favorite movie.

[A]

Really? What an interesting favorite movie.

[C]

I know, it was weird. Like it definitely was weird. My mom banned me and my sister from watching. She's like, why y' all like watching this?

[A]

Because I feel like, in general, biopics are kind of one and done situation. Like, they can be great and amazing and you're glad they exist, but you're never like, ah, you want to go back and watch one of those.

[C]

Yeah. Also, I realize you asked if I've seen Tina Turner, and Angela Bassett plays Tina. That's not actually Tina Turner in that movie. So that doesn't answer your question. I just. I was just like, yeah, I've seen

[D]

Angela Bassett let you ride with me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You were gonna let me off, but I was like, no, I messed up.

[A]

I was totally in the movie, too. You know, I mean, I went with you to the movie.

[C]

Well, at the end, it shows Tina, like, you know, doing a performance, so. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I mean, if. If the movie about Tina Turner is your favorite movie, it'd be weird if you hadn't actually also seen Tina Turner. Yeah, it's a crazy thing.

[D]

No, it's a difference because my dad actually went to go see Tina Turner, and I remember him getting ready, and all he was talking about was her legs. He was like, I want to see her legs. I'm like, you're a pervert. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, but I. You know, he's getting the floor, seats getting, you know, in the view. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[A]

So, Al, your new special is called My Father. I assume that means you had a simple, excellent relationship with your father.

[D]

No, I had a difficult relationship.

[A]

It makes for a better special. Probably.

[D]

It was. He wasn't the perfect father, you know, but he was. He was mine. So, you know, I just went with it. You know, this is what it is. You know, he wasn't the Cosby show or James Evans, if you saw those things.

[A]

What's James Evans?

[D]

Good Times.

[A]

Oh, Good Times. I know. Good. I remember Good Times. I just remember the name.

[D]

That was his name.

[A]

I don't remember the character names, but I watched Good Times. It was on in the evening.

[D]

I watched Good Times and didn't know who. Okay, That's a difficult one, but I'm gonna go with it.

[A]

Florida.

[D]

Good Times.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Not even the state. Even when I hear Florida, I still think of Good Times. I don't think of the state, the place.

[A]

Ivy, did you watch Good Times?

[C]

Yeah, I did. Specifically because, you know, the scene is Damn, damn, damn.

[D]

James.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Now I'm hearing it. I remember alf's name.

[D]

I watched it.

[A]

Remember alf?

[D]

Yes. I Watched it.

[A]

I get in trouble for bringing up ALF too much. With both the people that work here and the audience, they didn't like the sitcom. I just bring it up too much.

[D]

Oh, you just. You.

[A]

This is the first time in three episodes, and that's the longest we've gone without my bringing up alf.

[D]

Oh, wow.

[C]

ALF used to be a picture in the Universal Studios studio tour because I grew up out here and so my dad's from Nigeria. So as anytime somebody would come from Nigeria, he was like, oh, you want to see la? And we just go to Universal Studios. But we would just. It was like a dice roll whether we went inside. Most of the times we posed in front of the fountain and then leave, which was like. Like, whatever. Blue balls are for kids. That was what I had. And I was like, oh, we going to. We going. Are we going to Universal Studios? Nah, we just posing. We're flicking up and going home.

[A]

Who's that picture for?

[C]

Oh, I'm sure people in Nigeria. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like.

[C]

Like, they'll go back. It's like, see who's there. Not inside. But we was there.

[A]

If he. What does your dad think about your career trajectory?

[C]

Oh, you ask him now, he'll say he always believed in me. You know, he'll tell me. He's like, you know, if he always told me, you just gotta focus, he's like, no, he told me to run away from my dreams. He said they were nightmares. But now if you ask him, he'll be like, you know, I tell him, you gotta focus up. One time we were at dinner and, you know, Yvonne Orgy, you know, another great comedian who's Nigerian, he's like, telling me, he's like, you know, I saw in the interview, she said her parents wanted her to be a doctor, doctor, lawyer or engineer and didn't support her doing comedy. And I was like, yeah, dad, what was that like? He was like, I know. And kept eating. Like, he didn't.

[D]

That's typical.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[D]

You know, grew up next to some Nigerians. Oh, yeah. Definitely is a doctor now.

[C]

Oh, yeah. See, he'll, like, bring it up now. But now, you know, it's. It's. There's too many Nigerians. Because it was cool when, like, you. I did a commercial. Yeah. Because, like, when I did a commercial, it was like, oh, this is great. Like, my dad didn't know. He didn't know. It was aspirational. And then ego went and got on that. He's like, why aren't you on the snl? You know, like, you know, I. You know, I'm not trying to do

[D]

all that, you know, too many.

[A]

Too many Nigerians.

[C]

Too many Nigerians. Because it was cool when my dad thought, like, I hit the height of my career when I was in an AT&T commercial, you know, now that he knows there's other things you can do now, he's expecting it.

[A]

And, Al, your 2025 special was called My Two Sons, and it won an NAACP award, which is the first independently released comedy special to ever be nominated. It's watched millions oftimes on YouTube. Have you ever felt like, are there Netflix executives and others that are like, ah, we fucked up. We should have bought that thing? And now you do it on your own and you get millions of views yourself.

[D]

They were like that doing Domino Effect, the first one that I produced. But, you know, I don't have aspirations of going to a big place on a larger platform because I can't do that many specials on their platform. It'll be like one every two or three years. It wouldn't be the volume that I'm putting out now. You know, I have six specials in the can, and I'm just dropping them as I see fit. So.

[A]

Yeah. Why? Very productive.

[C]

I know.

[A]

If you. Why don't you do more?

[C]

That's what I was thinking. I was thinking, like, you just leave, like, oh, don't know. In my head, my dad popped up right here. He's like, huh. All right. How many do you have in the can? 0. 0. I'm making it stretch. You know, I'm at that point in the can where you put some more water in it and you shake it up. Residue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Ify your brand is black nerd.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Ally, what's the nerdiest thing about you, man?

[D]

They would say that I garden, you know, I know a lot.

[A]

Who's they? Who's they? That is saying, who are the. Do you garden?

[D]

Because, you know, I'm so. I'm from a different cut of cloth, and they don't think that I'm supposed to garden, but why not? I've been planting things for a long time.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

And growing things and. And, you know, that's what happens.

[A]

Why don't people want you to garden?

[D]

I have no idea.

[A]

Why can't you have fun gardening?

[D]

It seems very. I don't know what they think about it, but it's a very manly thing, especially how I talk about gardening. You know, different plants are different, you know.

[A]

Wow, that's beautiful.

[D]

You know, that's such a.

[A]

By the way. People don't think about that enough.

[D]

Yeah. Like, corn is a very. You know.

[A]

Are you growing corn?

[D]

Yes. Wait. It's a very sexy fruit. It's a very sexy vegetable. It likes to be plant it together so it can shift and groove up against each other. It's very radical.

[A]

I have to tell you something. When I think that somebody gardening, it never occurs to me that they're growing corn. Because I would think, you know, maybe a tomato in there, some herbs, maybe flowers, maybe a little vegetable or something. But when I think of corn, I think of industrial. I think corn's a thing where you got to have a whole field and a big machine like a thresher.

[D]

No, you just. Just a little spot, you know, you don't have to plant all the. I made that mistake of planting too much okra.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

And then it just took over.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You doing ap plants, you know, like

[D]

okra and corn and kadaloo grows crazy. Wow. Like, you don't have to plant it once and then it just takes over.

[A]

If your dads were to do standup about you, what would they make fun of?

[D]

Oh, man, my dad would probably make fun of how round I was at 10. I was a very round kid, but it was his fault. You know, you can't tell me how to teach me how to make a baked potato in the microwave and then buy a bag of potatoes. And don't think I'm gonna eat them all. Yeah. Wow.

[A]

I did not expect you to say that. Of all the foods I think of, like, kids, like, going crazy on never. Just loose potatoes. No, you know, they candy or chips or something.

[D]

Once you learn how to bake a potato in the microwave, that's just microwave five. And you can put all the butter and cheese and sour cream that you want on it. Oh, it's 10 of them a day. You just eat them for snacks.

[A]

That's too many potatoes.

[C]

Yeah, that's a lot.

[A]

Hey, I found your problem. What would your dad make fun of you about?

[C]

Oh, you know, I think it'd be like, you know. Cause he's like a very type A person and I'm a type B person, and a, you know, was undiagnosed with ADHD for a long time, so probably how late I usually am, you know, just how much I'm not, you know, doing anything that he likes, you know.

[A]

Oh, I hope you haven't internalized that too much.

[C]

Oh, not at all.

[A]

You can check out Ali's brand new special, my father on your YouTube channel. Right now you can get tickets to Ali's International Custom Fit Tour at alisadique.com and check out Iffy as the host of, um, actually on Dropout. And go to iffycomedy.com for tour dates. We'll be right back. Hey, don't go anywhere.

[B]

There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.

[A]

Love it or Leave it is brought to you by Fast Growing Trees. Did you know Fast Growing Trees is America's largest and most trusted online nursery with thousands of trees and plants and over 2 million happy customers. Well, if you didn't before, you do now. They have all the plants your yard or home needs, including fruit trees, privacy trees, flowering trees, shrubs and houseplants, all grown with care and guaranteed to arrive healthy. Whatever you're looking for, Fast Growing Trees helps you find options that actually work for your climate, space and lifestyle. Fast Growing Trees makes it easy to get your dream yard. You click, order and grow get healthy, thriving plants delivered to your door. They are alive and thrive Guarantee promises that your plants arrive happy and healthy. No green thumb required, just quality plants you can count on. Plus, get ongoing support from trained plant experts who can help you plan your landscape, choose the right plants and learn how to care for them every step of the way. We're huge fans of Fast Growing Trees. We have great stuff from them. Love their trees. At the office. We have great plants. I'm looking at them.

[B]

They're awesome.

[A]

They just won't stop growing right now. They have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on select plants. And listeners to our show get 20% off their first purchase when they use the Code Love it at checkout. That's an additional 20% off. Better plants and better growing. At fast growingtrees.com, use code love it at checkout. Fast growingtrees.com code love it. Now's the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use Code Love it to save Today. Offer is valid for limited time. Terms and conditions may apply. And we're back. And we're back. Once a year, we all come together to remember that we have dads. But at what cost? We'll find out in a segment we're calling when youn're Here. You're Family derogatory. Here's how it works. I'm going to present you with a series of challenging would you rather dilemmas about family? There are no wrong answers. There are also no right answers. And that's what having a family is. But just like in A real family. You have to pick a side. Are you ready?

[D]

I'm ready, yes.

[A]

Would you rather be stuck on that hantavirus cruise with your entire family for a week or have one of your parents walk in on you masturbating?

[D]

I'm on the cruise.

[A]

Take your chances on the cruise.

[D]

Take my chances on the cruise?

[C]

Yeah. I'm going with masturbation 1. Because I feel like, you know, some of the people in my family cannot handle hantavirus, you know, like, I don't think they'll be able to rock with it. And also, you know, when I was 12, the FBI thought I was an adult having cybersex with another child, but it was just a kid my age. And so they brought the, like, chat files and gave it to my parents. So I'd rather them see me jerk off than what they read.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What up? That was like. You know that. You know that, like. Like the, like, short tragedy story that are, like, 10 words, like, Jesus Christ, that was horrible. We're reeling. We're reeling right now from this.

[D]

I'm gonna go with the cruise.

[A]

Still, still, still.

[C]

Look, you. You look. I've already been to darkness.

[A]

Would you rather you watch your uncle fist fight a stranger who ate your birthday cake, or watch your uncle chicken out and let that guy eat your cake right in front of you?

[D]

Fist fight.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Yeah. It's definitely one of my stories. I'm good with it 100%. Fist fight behind my birthday cake? For sure. I was six.

[A]

That happened to you?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And you got the cake, or did you lose the cake?

[D]

I didn't like. Cause he still had put his hand in the cake, you know what I'm saying? And my uncle brought it to me while he was still dancing, and I didn't like how it looked, but. But, you know, it was still my cake.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Would you rather watch your son compete on Love island or watch your son on the Biggest Loser?

[D]

Ooh, I'm gonna go with Love Island.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Same. Same here. I could, you know. Cause I think I'd be trying to, like, you know, be, like, the coach, you know, trying to help him. I was like, all right, here's how you be a slut. You know, Like. Like, Daddy's gonna show you what he used to.

[D]

Because if he was on Biggest Loser, my daddy be like, you let him eat potatoes? Like,

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's interesting as I think about it, because it's like, on the one hand, Biggest Loser was kind of an evil show. There was that documentary, and I watched It. When it aired, you're like, oh, my God, we're really treating these people terribly. But to get healthy. And then meanwhile, on the Love island side of it, I think anybody involved in that production should probably just go to prison. That whole. Everyone involved. I'm sorry. I don't want to be a. I don't. I don't want to be judgmental, and I want to be very progressive. But I think everyone in that. Anyone involved in the making of that show, including the cast, should be forced to go to church and then put in jail.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Just a thought. Would you rather your kids be constantly broke or constantly getting dumped?

[D]

Ooh, constantly getting dumped. At least you was going out. You had a little money to go out. If you was just always broke, you definitely gonna get dumped. So I just go, you constantly getting dumped, you going out, you know, having a good time, just not working out.

[A]

Right. They haven't found the right person yet, but they have money.

[D]

Yeah, I've been dumped. And I got in my G Wagon and drove off. He was like, yeah, poor you. Yeah.

[C]

Put a sad song on while I sit.

[A]

I have to say, people in G Wagons all drive like they were just. You know what I'm saying? G Wagon people drive like, why isn't this car making me happy? You know what I'm saying? There's a quality of the G Wagon driver. You know what I'm saying? There's a kind of darkness to the whole enterprise. Like, they know that it's not doing what they thought it was gonna do, because on some level, the materialism isn't solving their problems. But it's still a nice car and they're happy to have it, but they're just a little mean on the road. You know what I'm saying?

[D]

No. Our problem with the G Wagon is that we're not in a space that utilizes all the things that it can do. I'm just on the street. Yeah. Supposed to. When I look at the G Wagon, all the commercial, it's supposed. You're supposed to be off road. You're supposed to tumble down a cliff and still be able to drive. It's all these type of things.

[A]

Yeah. It's stupid. Why? Like, why is the boxiest car, the most expensive car that doesn't make any selfies? It's windy on the highway.

[D]

It's sexy inside.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[C]

No, I get that because I drive a Subaru Outback, and so. And mine still hasn't been washed because, you know, I do take it off road, and so anytime I See a clean G wagon or Jeep, I'm like, y' all some posers. Y' all some poses. Y' all not in these streets.

[D]

It's just. It's just something sexy about leaning on it.

[A]

No, I agree.

[C]

On the hood. Or just in front.

[D]

In front of it, you know, get out at the light. Somebody go, yeah.

[A]

I hate when the G wad people get out at the light. Would you rather your kid achieve their dreams, but in the process become a selfish and narcissistic person? Or fail to achieve their dreams and forever be tormented by it while being a fine person, not amazing, but generally kind, but hardened and defeated by the failure in the first scenario, you get to be on a boat a lot. So your kid's a super successful asshole with a boat or. Or a kind of hardened, defeated person.

[C]

No, Bosh, here's my theory, and here's why I think I beat the game through my dumb loophole. I think that when people get like that, like, narcissistic and jaded, it's because they've distanced themselves from family. Because no one kind of humbles you more than family. Like, I just did New Orleans. It was a packed house. And, you know, my aunts and all that was there, and they're like, yeah, you look good on that stage. Like, didn't say, I'm good at comedy. Just, you look good up there. And I feel like, you know, I was like, all right, that's great. Who wasn't like. There was no. Like, oh, I'm surprised all these people came out. It seems like you're making it. It's like, yeah, no, you keep on it. I was like, I thought I did it.

[A]

Keep trying.

[C]

I was like, it was between my family and this guy in the Indianapolis Uber who was like. He kept being like. He was like. He was like. He was like, oh, you do comedy? Do you pay your bills with that? I was like, yeah. Yeah. He was like, man, hope you make it. I'm like, what do you mean?

[D]

Like,

[C]

I'm doing it. I'm living the dream. It was like, all right, man, I'll look out for you. You can't. You can see me tonight.

[A]

There was a story about how there was a part that you can see me tonight. There was a part that Dustin Hoffman was hoping to get, but he would only get it if Al Pacino said no. And he was like, God, one day I'm gonna make it. And you're like, you're Dustin Hoffman. You're like the pinnacle of your career, but you're still just like, I hope I get to have my dream, you know? Does your family keep you honest?

[D]

Oh, very honest. My family doesn't care what I do, like, at all. It's like, I'm just the guy who pays the bills. I come home from selling out arena two times and then get right home. Are you taking out the trash or what?

[A]

It's like, yeah. Isn't that nice, though? Because doesn't it mean, right, if the money meant you didn't have to take out the trash, that'd be a problem. It's good that the money doesn't mean you don't have to take out the trash because you don't want to be a person for whom the money stops you from being the kind of person who has to take out the trash. Because if you don't take out the trash, you'll be the kind of person for whom the money has made you a person nobody should really listen to.

[D]

I thought the son made it. Why I didn't have to take out the trash. I'm like, yo, he's 15. He can definitely take out the trash.

[A]

Oh, yeah, he could do it. Is he not doing it?

[D]

No, I took it out on the way here.

[A]

What is it about taking out the trash? It is an annoying task. There's something about it. It's so quick and easy, and yet you're like, fuck.

[D]

You know, it's two trash bins. All you have to do is roll them to the curb.

[A]

That's all you have to do too.

[D]

You know what I'm saying? But it's not my job.

[C]

Also, sometimes the trash is juicy. Yeah, see, that's why.

[D]

That's how them people sent that stuff to. The trash is juicy.

[C]

The trash is juicy. Yeah. They said my language was so advanced, they had to make sure I wasn't an adult. And it wasn't until telling that joke over a hundred times, I was like, oh, I was having cyber sex with a FBI agent. Yeah, you gotta arrest him. They didn't do that, though. They came and gave my shit to my parents. I mean, gave my stuff to my parents. But they did. But the FBI agent, he gets to what?

[D]

This is dark.

[A]

I can't even tell. I'm just saying, as a child, you were catfished by an FBI agent and they tried to arrest you for it. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But they're like, oh. So he came to the door and he was like, are you. If you wadi boy? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, oh, thank God. And I was like, that's weird. He's like, can I talk to your parents? I was like, sure. I don't know. So I didn't have survival skills either. Because if I, you know, I'm like, this. A weird moment happened with an adult man. I should go, no, they're not home. And close the door and never look back. But I didn't. I invited him into our home and he then handed opened a briefcase and had shack dogs of me saying I was gonna pour syrup on someone and lick it off because I was 12. And it sounds cool.

[A]

Wow. I didn't know about doing that when I was 12 anymore.

[C]

Having cybersex?

[D]

No.

[A]

I was such a late bloomer, it would shock the conscience, so. But wait, there's something sweet about the FBI agent being relieved that like, oh, wow, there's nothing. There's no monster in this home. There's just a horny child. I mean, that's a different day, right? Like, that guy thought he was having a day where he was going to meet the scum of the earth. Some of the most despicable human beings you ever come across in your life. And just like. No, no. Just a. Just a. Just a 12 year old trying to get his rocks off.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Just the horniest most.

[D]

You. You were definitely advanced at 12.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Because I was. I was just dry humping. You was pouring syrup.

[C]

Oh, I didn't. I was syrup saying I would do it. And I wasn't even doing anything yet. It wasn't. I didn't find out until after, like, the person stopped logging on that I was like, oh, I could be using this.

[D]

You know, Thoughts were advanced. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I was. I was doing it for the love of the game, you know, just typing words.

[D]

Let's see what this. This will get me syrup.

[A]

We'll be right back. And we're back. Let's welcome Matt Hamilton back to the stage. Matt Hamilton, everybody. Join us right there.

[D]

All right,

[A]

now it's time for a segment we call second thoughts. Here's how it works. I take a loving stroll through everything I said or did and decide what I regret. And if you have any second thoughts about tonight, you can share them as well. I have some prepared. The producers have written down things that I should regret from this show. Oh, I made you guys sad about Tony Bennett. I made you guys sad about an imaginary teacher. Our photo of James Trafikant didn't do justice to how insane that man looked. You should look up James Trafikant. He's from an era of, like, larger than life Midwestern politicians. Just an absolute nut. Also went to jail for corruption. I made you guys sad about Abraham Lincoln. Matt, I'm sorry that I imagined fire rats into existence.

[B]

That was on my mind too.

[A]

Also, none of us should have to know about Horny James Comey. That was a bummer.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

I couldn't think of a single biopic. I said, oh, you know biopics, like, didn't have one. Still don't, I guess. Theory of everything. Yeah, Theory of everything.

[C]

The great unknown was the, the Bob Dylan one. Oh, with Tishao.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I brought up ALF again.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, the producers thought ify you might have a second thought about the phrase blue balls for kids. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. It was kind of one of those things that, as I was saying, I was like, maybe not, but hey, yeah,

[D]

that's generally who catch them. If you, if you got blue balls as a grown man with all his porn sites, are you.

[C]

Wow. Yeah, that's true. Well, I mean, they're, they're banning them everywhere else now. You know, like when you, Whenever I travel, you know, you try and log in. I'm looking at you. You're trying your own game. You were trying to get there.

[B]

Classic problem.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

So then, then, you know, you text all your partners, like, I'm sorry I had to do this. I need you to send nudes. They're banning porn out here?

[D]

No, you gotta stop having syrup on your fingers.

[A]

Oh, I also, I repeated the phrase, and I quote, too many Nigerians. And maybe I shouldn't have even repeated it.

[D]

I think it was me that started.

[A]

You did, but then I did it. Cause it was fun to say for a second. It felt dangerous. Matt, you say it, say, too many Nigerians.

[B]

Too many Nigerians.

[A]

See, you shouldn't say it was wrong from you.

[D]

Cut it.

[B]

Cut it.

[D]

It's like, I'm gonna hear about this when I get back home. What did you say?

[B]

Hear about it on Twitter.

[A]

Any regrets?

[D]

Well, when I think about it, no. I'm pretty much solid with everything I say, good or bad.

[A]

Yeah, that's beautiful.

[D]

And I'm mostly proud of too many Nigerians.

[A]

Yeah,

[D]

I'm mostly proud of that one.

[A]

Oh, I, I badmouth G wagons to someone who has a G wagon.

[D]

Yeah, I, I, I didn't like it, but I dealt with it.

[A]

Also, I drive a Mercedes, but I hate it. I call it my Nazi sled. I really regret it.

[B]

I hate it.

[A]

I hate that car. I feel bad in it. I don't belong in that car.

[D]

You know, you can get rid of it if you don't like it that much, but you definitely love it.

[A]

But see, no, it's the. Honestly, see, here's the thing. It's a Nazi sled, but I'm a Jewish person who can't break a lease. Like, I can't. I honestly think my relatives would pop up from the ground like zombies if I tried to break a lease. Like, that's the biggest waste of money. We started a barbershop in the Lower east side, you piece of shit. You go back there and you take that car. And that's how I feel about breaking leases. Matt, any regrets?

[B]

I haven't had a baked potato in a while. And so that's my kind of standing regret that I realized tonight.

[D]

They're delicious.

[C]

Well, here's the thing. No, no, I want to bring this back to the floor because I didn't now and I think that there's more people. I'm curious, cuz with me, I feel like baked potatoes, like, they're so, like amazing at first. Then you get past the sour cream and cheese and then it's just a hot potato and you're like, well, we throw these. We made a whole game about it.

[D]

You don't bake them.

[B]

Right. That's a construction problem. Like, you can fix that just in the potato.

[C]

Just crunching it up.

[B]

Yeah, You've got to mine it out a little, you know?

[D]

Tell him, man.

[A]

This is turning into one of your. One of your little chats. It's getting horny at the end. Yes, I agree with you. I don't think people like baked potato. I think people like butter, sour cream, chives, bacon and cheese. And if there's potato involved, that's a beautiful thing.

[D]

No, I'm telling you, a baked. I'm not going into it. Cause it sound like the FBI gonna come to my house. He's so into potatoes.

[A]

And that's our show. Thank you so much. AP Waddle, Alex Unique and Matt Hamilton. There are 131 days until the midterms. We'll be back on Friday with the great John Stamos and Jodie Turner Smith. Love it or leave it is a Cricket Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Keeper, Sarah Lazarus, Raman Borsalino, Peter Miller, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell and Matt De Groat. And our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of Americ.