Thieving on a Jet Plane

Summary

Podcast Summary: Lovett or Leave It – Episode: "Thieving on a Jet Plane" (May 17, 2025)

In the "Thieving on a Jet Plane" episode of Lovett or Leave It, hosted by Jon Lovett from Crooked Media, listeners are treated to a blend of political satire, sharp commentary, and lighthearted humor. This episode delves into recent political controversies, examines the implications of high-profile deals, and features engaging interactions with guests Sarah Silverman, Lamorne Morris, and Esther Povitsky.

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1. James Comey’s Alleged Threat Against President Trump

The episode opens with a satirical take on a fabricated news story involving former FBI Director James Comey. Lovett humorously references Comey’s supposed attempt to incite violence against President Trump through a cryptic social media post.

• John Lovett at [02:00]: “This is a deeply concerning message to all of us and is being taken seriously.”

The discussion mocks the absurdity of political threats appearing in unexpected places, highlighting the often bizarre nature of modern political discourse.

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2. Trump’s Acceptance of a Boeing 747 from Qatar

A significant portion of the episode centers on the controversial deal where President Trump accepts a $400 million Boeing 747 from Qatar. Lovett critiques the optics of this gesture, especially given Boeing's delays in delivering the actual Air Force One planes.

• John Lovett at [04:00]: “If the Pope were Biden, we would be furious.”

Guests weigh in on the ethical implications of accepting such gifts from foreign nations, questioning the potential for perceived corruption and favoritism.

• Sarah Silverman at [06:36]: “I really haven't been a big fan, and I wonder if our ability to judge their human rights record would be clouded by the fact of this large gift.”

• Lamorne Morris at [14:02]: “They support Hamas. I don't know how you make it safe.”

The conversation underscores concerns about national security and the influence of international relations on domestic politics.

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3. Corruption and Business Deals Involving the Trump Organization

Lovett delves deeper into the Trump Organization's international business ventures, highlighting ongoing deals in Saudi Arabia and Qatar. He humorously critiques the proliferation of Trump-branded properties and investments that could suggest conflicts of interest.

• John Lovett at [12:30]: “The Trump Organization has also announced a new Trump Golf Club at Qatar at an 80 story Trump hotel.”

This segment emphasizes the intertwining of business interests with political power, raising questions about accountability and transparency.

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4. Personal Stories and Mental Health Discussions

Transitioning from politics to personal narratives, Lovett engages in a heartfelt conversation with Lamorne Morris about mental health and personal loss.

• Lamorne Morris at [25:23]: “My stepmother was very ill and she died, and my dad died nine days after, just like, wanting to be with her.”

• John Lovett at [28:05]: “If you're not getting a dishwasher, stop talking about it. Just wash your dishes.”

This exchange offers a glimpse into the hosts' personal lives, balancing the episode's heavier political content with moments of vulnerability and humor.

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5. Interactive Listener Segment: "Itty Bitty Pity Committee"

In the interactive segment, listeners share their minor dilemmas, and the hosts provide comedic yet practical advice.

• Listener at [73:43]: “Should we pay for my bridesmaids' makeup?”

• John Lovett at [82:49]: “Because there's one of two possibilities. If you pay for it, there's a nice moment in the day where you're all getting your makeup done, everybody's happy...”

This segment adds a relatable and engaging element to the show, allowing listeners to connect with the hosts over everyday issues.

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6. Closing Thoughts and Final Remarks

The episode wraps up with final jokes and acknowledgments, maintaining the show's signature blend of humor and commentary. While ads and sponsorships are interspersed throughout, the core content remains focused on delivering insightful and entertaining discussions on current events and personal topics.

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Notable Quotes:

• John Lovett [02:00]: “This is a deeply concerning message to all of us and is being taken seriously.”

• Sarah Silverman [06:36]: “I really haven't been a big fan, and I wonder if our ability to judge their human rights record would be clouded by the fact of this large gift.”

• Lamorne Morris [25:23]: “My stepmother was very ill and she died, and my dad died nine days after, just like, wanting to be with her.”

• John Lovett [82:49]: “Because there's one of two possibilities. If you pay for it, there's a nice moment in the day where you're all getting your makeup done, everybody's happy...”

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Lovett or Leave It continues to blend sharp political analysis with comedic relief, providing listeners with both information and entertainment. This episode effectively navigates complex political topics while maintaining an engaging and humorous tone, making it a standout installment in the series.

Transcript

[John Lovett]

Love it or leave it is brought to you by Bombas. People talk about spring cleaning, but here's what we should really be talking about. Bomba spring socks. Yeah, you heard that right. It's a busy time of year and the right socks can make or break your spring. Ready to actually commit to your new running hobby? Bomba's thoughtfully designed blister, fighting sweat wicking athletic socks help you get from mile one to marathon in comfort and in style. Looking for a nice pair to wear to a wedding? Bomba's ultra soft dress socks are made for heels and all your other hard bottom party shoes. Oh, man. Hard bottom party shoes. Engineered to keep you comfortable enough to hit the dance floor one more time. They make the ultimate errand socks. From actually spring cleaning to walking the dog to everything in between, Bombas took their socks arch hugging. Stay up cuff ultra cushion. Designed very seriously so you can take a load off. You know, it goes great with new spring socks, fresh white tees, waterproof slides, which I have, and a few pairs of buttery, soft, seamless underwear. Bombas makes all that too. International shipping. In addition to the US they now ship to over 200 countries. I wear Bombas every day.

[Sarah Silverman]

I love Bombas.

[John Lovett]

I'm wearing Bombas right now. They have these great vintage, vintage style socks with the stripes. I wear them constantly. I wear them every single day. Bombas started making socks when they learned that they're the number one most requested clothing item in homeless shelters. So thank you for shopping with Bombas. You've helped donate over 150 million essential items. Now that's a lot of socks and a lot of kindness. Head over to bombas.com love it and use code love it for 20% off your first purchase. That's B O M B A S.com love it. Code love it at checkout. What's up, everybody? Welcome to Love it or Leave it live from Flappers Comedy Club. Jay Leno wanted to be here tonight, but it says here he got hit by a bear. What? That means guys had some bad luck lately? We've got a great show for you tonight. Sarah Silverman is here. Help us make some brave decisions. Lamorne Morris and Esther Povitsky are here to do some people watching. Then we'll wrap it up by turning it over to you, our dear audience, to hear your teeniest, weeniest problems. So start thinking. What is your smallest? I don't hear about big problems. We've got enough big problems. Tiny, tiny little problems. But first, let's get into it. What a week. Breaking NEWS James Comey has entered his Luigi era White House officials have accused former FBI head James Comey of calling for Trump's assassination after he posted a now deleted photo of the numbers 8647 spelled out in seashells with the this is real with the caption Cool shell formation on my beach walk. Yes, yes, all right. No, no. For when you saw one set of footprints in the that was when I was leaning out of the window of the book repository, said a White House spokesperson on X While President Trump is currently on an international trip to the Middle east, the former FBI director puts out what can clearly be interpreted as a hit on the sitting President of the United States. A message etched in the sand. This is a deeply concerning message to all of us and is being taken seriously. Just James Comey casually calling for my dad to be murdered, said Don Jr. Kristi Noem, head of Homeland Security, called it a threat of assassination. And with that, my work here is done, said Hillary Clinton, shaking sand out of her kitten heels. But she got him. But lest you think Comey has gone full antifa, he deleted the post and apologized, claiming he didn't realize the number 86 was associated with violence. Said the former FBI Director in Ms. 13. We just use it as a friendly Speaking of friendly greetings, on Sunday, ABC News reported that the Trump administration was preparing to accept a $400 million luxury Boeing 747 from the Royal family of Qatar, all because Trump came closer than Emmanuel Macron in guessing the retail value without going over. You gotta give him credit. It's a good bribe. You give me a free private airplane you can own me, no problem. I don't have to go to LAX anymore. Please tell me my new opin. And now the Emiratis are like Qatar got on the plane. What's left on the registry? Golf clubs? Dish towels? Fuck, we're fucked. Under the arrangement, Trump would use the plane as Air Force One, but at the end of his time in office, it would be transferred to Trump's presidential library. Oh, thanks, said the librarian. A plane. Complicating all of this is that Boeing is currently upgrading two VC 25B planes to Eastern airplane each serve as Air Force One, but blew past their initial delivery deadline of 2022. The planes are now expected to enter service by 2027. Boeing got caught up pursuing its other passion project, making sure their other planes stopped falling out of the sky. If you love what you do, you won't work a day in your life, a spokesperson for Boeing explained We'd have delivered these a lot sooner, but you know what they say, the customer's always right. So now we need to figure out how to get the doors to stay on. They keep sending back the planes. Republicans hemmed and hawed about how to react to Trump's big, shiny new gift, but not Senator John Kennedy. I trust Qatar like I like. I trust a rest stop bathroom. Honestly, this is why we can't have nice things. The rest stop bathroom isn't asking for our trust, Senator. It asks nothing of us but piss. Kennedy went on to say this with those guys, you know, trust in God, but tie up your camel. Got him. Got him. Rand Paul agreed, telling Fox News, Jesse Waters. See, I've spent time trying not to.

[Sarah Silverman]

Sell weapons to Qatar because they have.

[John Lovett]

Human rights violations of their people. I really haven't been a big fan, and I wonder if our ability to judge their human rights record would be clouded by the fact of this large gift. Oh, Rand Paul, don't worry about that. Trump will ignore human rights abuses for free. You don't have to pay him for that. Senator Rick Scott also gave it a thumbs down, telling reporters, I'm not flying on a Qatari plane. They support Hamas. I don't know how you make it safe. Yeah, well, Rick doesn't sound like you're gonna be invited on the plane, so you're a little bit like Sonia saying she'll be in Phuket for Luann's wedding. I watch Housewives now, and it's becoming my whole personality. But Sonya did get to save the date. All right, so it's a little bit more complicated, a little bit nuanced. Over on cnn, Scott Jennings pointed to the real villains, and I think there's a reason that numerous Republicans have encouraged him not to go through with it today, because they know the optics of it. Given his previous statements about Qatar and given what we know about their funding of terrorism, that's all absolutely true. At the same time, I actually think there's a larger scandal going on here, which is that Boeing cannot deliver an Air Force One. Yeah, man, totally. It's about the optics, the corrupt optics. Like complaining about arson because it's so bright, tweeted Trump's former rival Nikki Haley. Accepting gifts from foreign nations is never a good practice, especially when that nation supports a terrorist organization. Regardless of how beautiful the plane may be, it opens a door and implies the President and us can be bought. If this were Biden, we would be furious. Okay, but what if the plane were very, very beautiful? It's Just a reminder to the podcast which is vast. Check out our YouTube. Give us a like give us a subscribe really helps out the show. You could appreciate this incredible joke. And you're right, accepting bribes does imply that you'd accept bribes. He accepts bribes. The implication is that he can be bought because he has been bought. Let's see that beautiful plane again. For those listening at home, it's a basically hard to describe, but it's a. It's a very sexy plane. It's a highly sexualized plane with boobs. I'm sorry, but you're not on the YouTube. But it's the face is the nose of the plane and the wings are kind of like wings on an angel on a kind of a boobed plane. Woman Blue angel for the Navy. Oh, it's a blue angel. Oh, like the Navy Blue angels. I'm an idiot. Thank you so much. Speaker Mike Johnson offered this defense of Trump. The reason many people refer to the Bidens as the Biden crime family is because they were doing all this stuff behind curtains. Whatever President Trump is doing is out in the open. They're not trying to conceal anything. Yeah, really smart points. Speaker of the House Mike Johnson Crime is legal as long as you do it out in the open for all the world to see. Like drugs in San Francisco or 9 11. Stupidest fucking point I've ever heard. Trump defended his sky palace in a truth social post writing, so the fact that the Defense Department is getting a gift free of charge of a 747 aircraft to replace the 40 year old air Force One so bothers the crooked Democrats that they insist we pay top dollar for the plane. The Dems are world class losers. No one is denying that the Democrats are world class losers. But the plane is also a bribe. Two things can be true at the same time. Trump continued to defend the offer to reporters on Monday. So I think it's a great gesture from Qatar. I appreciate it very much. I would never be one to turn down that kind of an offer. I mean I could be a stupid person say no, we don't want a free very expensive airplane. But I thought it was a great gesture. Also check out this badass giant wooden horse they gave me. But here's the stupidest part of this whole saga. To secure and upgrade this plane would cost the US over a billion dollars and the retrofit would take years. And that's just to take out all of the Qatari toilet cams and then put in our patriotic all American toilet cams. It really must be so frustrating for Trump. He wants a plane. If it's to become Air Force One, he can't use it. But if it's just to be a private jet, he can't accept it. It's a real gift to the Magi situation. If the Magi were heading to Bethlehem to kill Jews, we didn't know if that joke would play at Flappers. And I'm proud of you. Let's see that sexy plane again. All right. The plane was merely the most interesting of the corruption schemes playing out as Trump set off for Saudi Arabia, Qatar and the United Arab Emirates in just the past year. The Trump Organization, currently run by Don Jr. Eric and what has to be another person, announced the development just has to be a third person. We don't know about the development of a Trump Tower in Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, and two other Trump branded properties in the capital city of Riyadh. The difference between a Trump Tower and a Trump branded property is important. Only an authentic Trump Tower comes with a Rudy Giuliani in the belfry. The Trump Organization has also announced a new Trump Golf Club at qatar at an 80 story Trump hotel. And in Dubai last month, the UAE fund invested $2 billion in World Liberty Financial. That's the Trump family crypto brand. And that's just a few of the brazen, corrupt business deals that Trump and his dipshit sons are pursuing. It isn't even close to all of it. If we tried to go through all of it, that would be the whole show. And what am I supposed to say to the rest of the performers we booked? Sorry, small family of golden retrievers who can juggle. You've been bumped for the horrors. And we have so much else to talk about, like the fact that Saudi Arabia deployed a mobile McDonald's for our big special voice visit. It's awesome. If Saudi Arabia ever wants to take me out Khashoggi style, this is how they'll get me. Anyway, it's no wonder Trump couldn't help but fawn over Saudi Arabia's ruler, Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, or MBS at Tuesday's Saudi Arabia U.S. investment Forum. One of our great, great partners, no.

[Lamorne Morris]

Matter who we look to.

[John Lovett]

And we have great partners in the.

[Lamorne Morris]

World, but we have none stronger. And nobody like the gentleman that's right before me. He's your greatest representative.

[John Lovett]

Greatest representative.

[Lamorne Morris]

And if I didn't like him, I'.

[John Lovett]

Get out of here so fast. You know that, don't you? Huh? He knows me well. I do.

[Sarah Silverman]

I like him a lot.

[Lamorne Morris]

I like him Too much.

[John Lovett]

That's why we give so much, you know?

[Lamorne Morris]

Too much.

[John Lovett]

I like you too much. Be careful, Don. They got laws about that kind of thing over there. There was a time when unabashedly praising the leader of an authoritarian Middle east regime was frowned upon. In fact, I'm old enough to remember what happened when Barack Obama greeted this guy's uncle with what they described as a bow.

[Sarah Silverman]

While President Obama didn't kiss the guy.

[John Lovett]

He did seem to bow.

[Sarah Silverman]

Look at that. But the White House says, no, no, no, no.

[John Lovett]

He wasn't bowing. He was just double handshaking to a smaller guy.

[Sarah Silverman]

You saw it, you make the call.

[John Lovett]

There were editorials. This was in the Washington Times. By bending over to show greater respect to Islam, the US President belittled the power and independence of the United States. Republicans went nuts. Trump mocked him, and all Obama did was bow. Trump got down on his knees and let this guy tickle his uvula. They said Obama went on an apology tour. And it's true, Trump isn't saying sorry, but that's just because his mouth is full. Flappers. All right. Back at home, Trump cruelly revoked the temporary protected status afforded to Afghan refugees. These are the people who risked their lives to help American troops during the war and who might face brutal retribution by the Taliban if they're sent back to Afghanistan, said one Afghan American who had served as an interpreter with U.S. special Forces. It's a death penalty for them if they return. Here's Deputy Secretary of State Chris Landau explaining why the White House has shut down refugee programs and is threatening to deport Afghan allies while welcoming refugees from South Africa. There are many people who are. Who fit the criteria of seeking help who are fleeing persecution. Afghans, for example. They live in a country run by the Taliban, but they're being denied refugee status. So I'm wondering, why is such an exception been made for the Afrikaans? Cause, of course, was subject from the very beginning to exceptions where it was determined that this would be in the interest of the United States. Some of the criteria are making sure that refugees did not pose any challenge to our national security and that they could be assimilated easily into our country. We actually have footage of the Trump administration determining whether a refugee is eligible to resettle in the us. He's white. What are you thinking? He's white. I haven't seen the Elvis movie. Maybe I will. Speaking of white people, on Mother's day, Health Secretary RFK Jr. Posted photos of himself and his grandchildren swimming in DC's Rock Creek, where swimming is not allowed because the creek is full of sewage. This is actually important because while there are many theories, no one has ever actually seen the place where Kennedys spawn. I'm sorry, I think I'm actually thinking of eels. That's about eels. Polluted runoff flows into the creek when it rains and the water is heavily contaminated with E. Coli and other bacteria. This in addition to the big disgusting RFK Jr it has floating in it. The water is so bad, it's actually known in D.C. restaurants as filter Tep. While Trump was gallivanting in the Gulf and RFK Jr was splashing around in human shit, House Republicans unveiled their $4.5 trillion tax break and Medicaid cut bill that would lead to 10 million people losing their health insurance. The bill would create work requirements for Medicaid recipients, even though the vast majority of Medicaid recipients already work, have a disability, are very sick, are in school, or taking care of a family member. People on Medicaid would also have to prove their eligibility every six months instead of once a year. The bill would also create higher out of pocket costs for most Medicaid recipients, including those who are barely above the Federal poverty Line. Quick, what do you think the Federal poverty line is for a single individual? It's $15,650. You make 16,000. Pay up, you fucking bankhead. The bill would also shorten the open enrollment period for the Affordable Care act, all because coming out and saying that we're throwing people off of their health care is politically toxic, so they're going to use paperwork to do it anyway. The Trump administration's position is very simple. All bureaucratic red tape should be ripped out of the federal government and wrapped around poor people mummy style. We're in the dark phase of this. We'll get back. I see what you want. You want jokes about his stupid fucking plane. As of this recording, the bill is in limbo because Republicans have no margin for error given their slim majority. Some Republicans think it goes too far to cut health care. Others don't think it goes far enough. And Nancy Mace just saw a woman with a strong jaw finish a Big Gulp. So now she has to spend her afternoon in the vents above the ladies room. So she's out. And speaking of crawling around in the vents of the Capitol, we are heading back to D.C. this week.

[Lamorne Morris]

A hot new bombshell enters the vent.

[John Lovett]

Stop it. That doesn't make any sense. We're doing a special World Pride show on Friday, June 6, back at our home at the Lincoln Theater. And this time it's a special crossover event with Tim Miller and Sarah Longwell from the Bulwark. It's Jetson Flintstones, but everybody's gayer than George Jetson. The event is called Free A Crooked Bulwark World Pride Fundraiser. It'll be a night of venting, laughing, commiserating, venting and most importantly, raising money for the Immigrant Defenders Law center, which is representing makeup artist and actor Andre Hernandez Romero and others who were disappeared to El Salvador without so much as a hearing. Because this pride is about fighting for the day when we can stop flirting with autocracy and go back to just flirting. It's a serious cause, but it's gonna be a fun show with special guests you won't wanna miss. Tickets are gonna go fast, so please don't wait or the Bulwark freaks will scoop em up. We're donating. I love my Bulwark freaks. We're donating all ticket proceeds to the Immigrant Defenders Law center. So get your tickets [e-mail] events. That'll be Friday, June 6th at the Lincoln Theater. We'll have more to say about what we'll be doing around the show to keep the focus on freeing Andre and keeping the pressure on the administration. So stay tuned. But for now, get those tickets. In other news, a study found this is no transition, just deal with it. In other news, a study found that wild chimpanzees use medicinal medicinal plants to tend to their own and each other's wounds. Oh, but when I chew up a bunch of leaves and apply them to my wounds, I'm disturbing the other diners at this pop up Saudi McDonald's about to get kicked off Medicaid. Try chip medicine. If you're able to get to Western Central Africa and aren't too sick to climb trees, it's free chimp medicine. Speaking of acting like a bunch of apes, the Warner Bros. Discovery announced that it will rename their streaming platform yet again, changing it back from Max to HBO Max. They realized that naming it after half of Cinemax was not as good as naming it after hbo. They cracked it. So I'm sorry to tell all of you this, but HBO Max is detransitioning. It's detransitioning is real. HBO Max is detransitioning. Topps announced that their Pope Leo XIV trading card outsold cards for LeBron James and Victor Wembanyama. Though Ohtani is still their top seller, which isn't surprising. Even though Pope cards generally have low hp, their attack and abilities are insane. Gotta get a Pope in your deck. Morris the alligator, who appeared in Happy Gilmore, among other films and TV projects, has died at a gator farm in Colorado. He was at least 80 years old, but he died doing what he loved, fentanyl, said the gator farm's tearful owner. He started acting strange about a week. He wasn't lunging at us and wasn't taking food, continued the owner, wiping away tears. Ah, shit. Not supposed to get these new alligator boots wet. And thank you. And finally, British historians have verified a copy of the Magna Carta that Harvard Law School bought decades ago for $27 is actually an original from the year 1300. And now in 2025, it's worth rereading. Let's see that plane one more time. All right, coming up next, Sarah Silverman.

[Sarah Silverman]

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.

[John Lovett]

Today's episode is sponsored by Acorns. How do you feel when the market gets bumpy? Oh, man, it's tough. It's tough. But like Warren Buffett says, you gotta invest when there's blood in the streets. Acorns is a financial wellness app that makes it easy to start saving and investing for your future. You don't need to be rich. Acorns lets you get started with the spare money you've got right now. Even if all you've got is spare change, you don't need to be an expert. Acorns recommends a diversified portfolio. They can help you weather all of the market's ups and downs. You just need to stick with it. And Acorns makes it easy, too. Acorns automatically invest your money, giving it a chance to grow with time. I look, investing is important. There's a lot of people out there talking about all kinds of fads, and there's people who do day trading and crypto and a bunch of stuff. But the most important thing is that if you can, you should start putting your money away carefully, safely, because it grows over time and you can't get the interest back. When you start investing later, you'll really regret it because even though you're putting in less because maybe you don't have as much because you're younger, it'll grow in time much more because you invested when you were younger. I that I started doing time. Time. The only thing they don't make more of, billionaires can't get more of it. Hard as they try. They try to live forever, but it won't work. Can't work. Sign up now and join over 14 million all time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com love it. Or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier one compensation provided investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important [e-mail] Love it. This podcast is supported by Comedy Central's the Daily Show. When major headlines are coming fast and furious from every direction, it's impossible to know which way to turn. Look to Jon Stewart and the Daily show news team every weeknight to keep the news on the straight and narrow, no matter how twisted it all seems. To get. The Daily show new weeknights at 11:10 Central on Comedy Central and next day on Paramount. Plus, we're back. Please welcome to the stage. You know your lover is the incredible Sarah Silverman. Hi.

[Lamorne Morris]

Hello.

[John Lovett]

Hi. How's your 2025 so far?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, what a year. So fun. Just really easy.

[John Lovett]

And.

[Lamorne Morris]

The news has been great.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Are you good at compartmentalizing or not compartmentalizing? Where are you at? Does it creep in at random moments or are you able to put it aside?

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm pretty good at it. I'm very good at compartmentalizing, actually. That's how I got through childhood. Probably you too, but you were like.

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I've been trying to figure out how to handle this world and I think, well, everything's gone to shit. It really feels like, I don't know, like the late 70s Iran, maybe. People think this can't happen here. Yeah, no, it's very. Absolutely can. And am I just talking in fractions of sentences?

[John Lovett]

No, it's good. I'm more thinking about, like, it's also, there's vaguely a lot of, like, warm neutrals are coming back, too. So the 70s thing makes sense. Color wise, this thing, fashion wise, it's a lot. You know, it's like we're leaving behind the grays and the beiges. Right. Things are coming back. The jeans are getting wider, the music's getting louder. Things are happening. Beards are back. Wild beards, which I do think is a sign of the apocalypse, you know?

[Lamorne Morris]

Do you?

[John Lovett]

Yeah. You have a president with a beard. You're at war, you know, I don't.

[Lamorne Morris]

Know, because, you know, who has a beard right now and I'd love him to be president.

[John Lovett]

Are you talking about. You're talking about Tom Segura? No, you're. Oh, Pete Buttigieg. Pete Buttigieg. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Pete.

[Lamorne Morris]

Pete's beard. There needs to be a new Instagram account called Pete's beard or something. It's not Chastain. That would be. Not make sense at all.

[John Lovett]

Doesn't make sense at all. Because they're both men. Yeah, they're both men.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

And you said.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, that's the secret is he's straight, this guy. He loves pussy, but he's trying to keep that from America.

[John Lovett]

That's his dirty secret. That's Pete's dirty secret. He loves it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Loves it, loves it.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. I can't get it out.

[Lamorne Morris]

Mm.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Of pussy.

[Lamorne Morris]

Of pussy. It's fun, right? It's fun.

[John Lovett]

Took me a while to work up to say it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Say it. Jess, will you say this right now? I love pussy. Yell it out.

[John Lovett]

So Bernie Sanders is on the. Is on the move again. It's a little bit hot. There's a new Avengers movie, so it's almost like 2019 again. As a generally optimistic person, are you inspired by the Bernie, where's your head at?

[Lamorne Morris]

I find it to be a small, bright light in a Hellscape, you know? Yeah, it's amazing. And their crowds are huge. They got the biggest crowds. No. Yeah. It's inspiring and exciting. Yeah, it's a good. I find it to be good.

[John Lovett]

And your parents died nine days apart.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. Thank you for bringing it up. It was actually a murder suicide.

[John Lovett]

Wow.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

I'm always starting, though, but I can never finish them. It's like a class. I think it's an ADHD thing. I like, start the murder suicide and then I forget what I'm doing. I've literally never finished one. I start them all the time.

[Lamorne Morris]

So that you're just a serial killer.

[John Lovett]

Whatever. I mean, you could put a label on it. I'm not into labels.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right. It's true.

[John Lovett]

That's why. Because people are trying to add serial killer to the pride flag, and I'm like. Yeah, I don't get. I mean, I guess it's queer in a sense, but I don't think it's right. So I don't use that label.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right. Okay. You're a murder suicidist, but you only go halfway.

[John Lovett]

Right. Cause of my problem focusing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

That's why I'm trying to get Adderall, but it's hard to get.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right. You're like, no, no, no. I'm trying to kill myself and I need the oomph to. Yeah, I keep just.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Cause I'm so distracted by TikTok. My attention span is nowhere. Oh, but sorry I interrupted it was your parents. Murder, suicide.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah, no, they didn't. Murder, suicide, unfortunately. But no, my stepmother was very ill and she died, and my dad died nine days after, just like, wanting to be with her. And I know. And this means you're killing and you.

[John Lovett]

Get a lot of. Oh. Oh.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is what my special's about.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, I didn't bring it up for no reason.

[Lamorne Morris]

You didn't bring it up for no reason? I have a special coming out Tuesday. But, you know, we don't have to be here for this. I've been. Thank you. It's called Postmortem. It's on Netflix. But honestly, I've been shoving it down people's throats all week, and I'm exhausted of myself. I'm sick of myself. I want to hear John Lovett talk about.

[John Lovett]

Do you think my parents will die? What?

[Lamorne Morris]

How are you planning on your parents?

[John Lovett]

Oh, that's such. Thank you for asking. I'll just tell you that I have said to my father, joking. And this is a joke. If mom dies first, you better kill yourself.

[Lamorne Morris]

She will. She will. This is what I told my dad. He was being so such a pain in the ass, like, a few years ago. And I go, you just assume you're gonna die first, but Janice is, because you're killing her. And then she did. How funny is that?

[John Lovett]

But right, right. Just very close together, though.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Nine days. Nine days.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah, that's tough. You know, it's interesting. Cause my mother exercises and diets, and she does, you know, Zumba. She is measuring cottage cheese all the time. My mother has been measuring out. There's a certain kind of woman who was exposed to a certain kind of diet culture in the, like, 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond that has been measuring cottage cheese for 50 fucking years. And I'm just like, the cottage cheese, no matter what's going on, Never gonna be your problem.

[Lamorne Morris]

There is a scale industry that specializes in coke dealers and Jewish mothers.

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Exclusively.

[John Lovett]

Did your mother measure out things on her scale?

[Lamorne Morris]

My stepmother was very conscious of her, you know, like exercise and food. My biological mother couldn't give two shits. Come on, let's get some energy in the room. Who's excited about Love it or leave it?

[John Lovett]

Are you gonna love it or are.

[Lamorne Morris]

You gonna leave it?

[Sarah Silverman]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

Come on. And we're back down. We're back down. I like this energy to always bring things down to zero.

[John Lovett]

Well, you gotta bring it down, because that's how you prove you have it. Cause you can get them Back, right? Bring them down to fucking zero. Are you afraid to die? See, I get in the back.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't wanna die. I don't want it. To quote my dad. I don't want it to hurt, but I'm not really afraid to die. But I don't wanna, like, drown. I don't wanna die in some climate disaster. I don't wanna. I don't want it to hurt.

[John Lovett]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

I don't wanna die at all.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, you won't, Dal.

[John Lovett]

I probably won't. You think I won't? I wanna be like, you know that guy that's trying to live forever, but also seems to be fighting with various exes? That's what I want. I want a kind of crazy live forever energy. I'm gonna be like, no. I have a secret plan to live forever. And it does involve eating one hour a day, sleeping in a dark room, taking all kinds of supplements, traveling with an air filter. I wanna live forever in the worst way possible. I want my life to be an endless misery.

[Lamorne Morris]

I feel like that's achievable for you.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause, like, being in here, I feel like for most people, being inside of my head for a day would feel like an interminable nightmare experience that they'd want to end. And I think the worse life feels, the longer it feels. So in a sense, I've already lived forever. Cause happy people, you're dead. You know, it's like it's bar mitzvah, wedding, graduation, grandkids dead. But if you're unhappy, you're like, can't wait. Watching any TV shows?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. I'm very passionate about running towards joy in these times. And television is my joy.

[John Lovett]

What are you watching?

[Lamorne Morris]

All depressing things, though. The Pit. Paradise. Fucked up. So fucked up.

[John Lovett]

I don't think the Pit should have two T's.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, it's for.

[John Lovett]

This bothers me visually.

[Lamorne Morris]

Can I ask you this? Does Pittsburgh have two T's? Yeah, that's why it's short for Pittsburgh.

[John Lovett]

They put French fries in the sandwiches there. Ugh. So good. What's it called? Primantis.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yes, Very good.

[John Lovett]

They're really good. I'll go there in the morning. They're open in the morning. Cause there's. You can go in the morning. Some people don't know that, but you can go in the morning and you can have a sandwich with French fries in the morning, and then that's it. And then you've eaten that in the morning, and then. So you can have another lunch later if you Want. If you want. If you really, if you want.

[Lamorne Morris]

I want to hold you right now and tell you it's all okay.

[John Lovett]

Here's the crazy thing, Joe. Jokes aside, Jokes aside. I am not joking. I've, like, never been happier, really. Actually true. But here's the thing. Can I. So I don't know, like, I feel like. Because I'd spent so many years being depressed and in various ebbs and flows, ups and downs, but always below the. I think a good baseline. So it's the kind of thing where it's like I was always underwater. And so when it was sunny, but I was underwater, I was like, oh, I'm outside. I wasn't. I was drowning the whole time. It just. Sometimes I couldn't see all the way to the surface. Cause I was with the animals, with the little light at the end, you know what I mean? You know, and seeing the shipwrecks. But sometimes I was like, look at that. There's sun up there. I've made it. I was not out of the water. I was under the water. And now I'm above the water and fascism is happening. So it's a really weird experience because the news is. And it feels bad, but I mean, I feel secure in the life around it. But then I think, but there's probably a bunch of Jews that felt that way in 1934.

[Lamorne Morris]

Absolutely. Business is booming. You know, I had a feeling.

[John Lovett]

Gold, Gold. We really made it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

No, this department store will be here forever.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's right.

[John Lovett]

And you know what that sound means?

[Lamorne Morris]

What? The audience going, ugh.

[John Lovett]

Like most people here at Flappers tonight, I'm afraid to die, but I'm not afraid to save. Which is why we want to end with a few exciting funeral opportunities currently available for the forward thinking individual. And you'll tell us if it's worth the price?

[Lamorne Morris]

I will, yeah. Okay.

[John Lovett]

Just to note, my staff used my actual personal information to get these estimates. These are real estimates for what it would cost to bury me. First up, human composting. Unlike traditional cremation, which would reduce me to bones and ash, soil transformation can compost my body into a nutrient rich soil. All they have to do is put me into some kind of a weird heated proprietary vessel and voila, 45 days later, I'm dirt.

[Lamorne Morris]

Worth it. You have to tell me the price. Sorry. I would absolutely do that with my remains.

[John Lovett]

The estimate we received was $5,450. Pretty good.

[Lamorne Morris]

It is.

[John Lovett]

Honestly, you don't.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, it is. I'll tell you, dying is expensive. My Parents made no death plan. And we're like, no plan. Finishing everything now. Like, it was a lot. No plan. No plan. No plots, no nothing. The only. This guy's really upset about it.

[John Lovett]

That's it. Is he coming back? He'll come back.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's no big deal. He has diarrhea. Don't make a big deal about it.

[John Lovett]

Cryogenic freezing.

[Lamorne Morris]

All right. That's, you know, all right.

[John Lovett]

I think it's fun. I want to do it. It'll be $1,158 per year or €1,036. I think this is European based. So I don't know what the tariff situation is. I don't know what the reciprocal is on getting my body over there. It's like, do I have to send a tenth of another person? You know what I'm saying?

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't believe it. Like, I don't believe it. Sorry. I was telling you.

[John Lovett]

That's good. Leave it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't think they're really gonna wake you up. When there's a way to live forever.

[John Lovett]

Right? Cause they stop getting the monthly payments. The interests are not aligned, Right. I should have to pay them a huge bonus if they wake me up. I would do that. I want to make sure of the incentives. I want somebody to be fucking fighting every day to cure whatever kills me so that they make a lot of money when I wake back up. Because even if it's a thousand years from now, put a couple, you know, a couple bucks into a etf Compound interest, baby. They got millions coming their way. They bring me back to life. From my death of cement block to that.

[Lamorne Morris]

Why is it that miserable fucks always want to live forever?

[John Lovett]

I don't know. Because I think they're afraid all the time.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. Oh, wow. That was a very thoughtful, beautiful answer. And deeply personal. I'm guessing I want you on my lap.

[John Lovett]

It's happening. Dear diary, you won't believe what happened tonight at Flappers. Next up, shooting someone into space. Solatis Memorial Space Flights offers several reasonable options for those who want their cremains hurled across the stars. Earthrise, you can launch the space and return to Earth. That's just throwing something up in the air. But it's $3,495 on Amazon. On the blue origin, you can go into orbit for five grand. You can get to lunar orbit for 13,000. And you can launch it to deep space starting at 13,000. So that's the same rate. So you gotta decide, do you want to be moon adjacent or do you Just want to just say. I'm going.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. I don't think that's worth it. But I will say that Blue Origin thing was so hilariously cringy. And this is coming from someone who reluctantly was in that Imagine video. It was a time where you can't say no. Cause you're not busy. They know you're not busy. I go, what's it for?

[Esther Povitsky]

Nothing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Just to make people happy.

[John Lovett]

You know what? It didn't stick to you.

[Lamorne Morris]

It really didn't stick to me. No one knows it.

[John Lovett]

I didn't know you were at the moment.

[Lamorne Morris]

No one remembers me from it.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, you couldn't say no. You were at home. You were home. So you're in that Imagine video. I don't remember that. Did you have to do that? Kind of just in terms of process. So just people know. It was a bunch of people singing the song Imagine that was edited together. Did you have to sing the whole thing, or did they tell you what part of the song you were doing?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I only sang the part of the song. The first time I did it, I videotaped just my feet on the toilet with my pants around it. And I sang it. Cause I just was so. I wasn't scared to be taking this as seriously as the others. It was, you know, you can't. And there were lovely people doing it, but I. And then they said no. And so I said it. I did it kind of jokingly, just.

[John Lovett]

Ah, that's a funny bit to be on the toilet. You had a. Hey, you're good. You're the best. That's why you're the best. You tried to find a funny in that intensely cringy thing.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, I just go like, vagina, toilet, asshole, semen. And then if it fits in one of those, I'll do it.

[John Lovett]

And a lot of stuff does.

[Lamorne Morris]

Boy, does it.

[John Lovett]

That's what I find. But wait. The Blue Origin flight was cringy. And I feel bad because the way that the celebrities on that ship talked about it, they were a little bit like a dog bringing you a bird. And they're like, why are you mad I brought you this bird? It's like, we're mad. We don't like this. But I thought it was gonna be cool. I went into, like, we don't like this.

[Lamorne Morris]

Women are dying left and right because they can't get medical care that they need to get because of our stupid fucking government. And then a bunch of rich people go in space and go take up space, like, oh, my God.

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

What are you Doing.

[John Lovett]

It would have been cool. I think you could have gotten away with it if you filmed your video about being in the Blue Origin with your pants down around your ankle.

[Sarah Silverman]

Like.

[John Lovett]

Like I'm in the Blue Origin toilet. I mean, there must have been a toilet.

[Lamorne Morris]

Fake a shit in space.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, it just floats there. God. Somebody's had diarrhea in space. You haven't thought about it before, but it's happened.

[Lamorne Morris]

What about the people that were, you know, stuck in space recently for months and months?

[John Lovett]

Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

Surely they had diarrhea, right?

[John Lovett]

Sure, of course they did. And, you know, I mean, I don't go six months without having it on the ground. Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

My God.

[John Lovett]

Now shake me up. Yeah. Die, die, ainu. All right, last one. Let's do Being Made into a Diamond. They could turn my corpse into a gem, set it in a ring, and saddle my spouse with a lifelong whoopsie daisy. This would cost $1,000, marked down from $1,600. Oh, but they'll go up to three carats for 25 grand. Ooh, big honking stone. Would you wear me as jewelry?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes. I don't even wear jewelry, but I would.

[John Lovett]

Oh, that's sweet. Thank you for saying that.

[Lamorne Morris]

So moving.

[John Lovett]

Would you go into space?

[Lamorne Morris]

No, I have enough adventure with my morning shit not to be redundant.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, it's like, oh, T minus 10 minutes to take off.

[Lamorne Morris]

Jesus Christ. I have enough excitement in my life.

[John Lovett]

I was very Jewish.

[Lamorne Morris]

That was so Jewish.

[John Lovett]

That was so Jewish. Yeah. Going to space. Ta t, everybody. Check out postmortem. It is on Netflix on May 20th. Sarah, thank you so much for being here. Sarah will be back for the end of the show. Next up, it's Lamort Morris and Esther Bovitzky.

[Sarah Silverman]

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.

[John Lovett]

Love it or Leave it is brought to you by Haya. Typical children's vitamins are basically candy in disguise, filled with two teaspoons of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy additives growing kids should never eat. That's why Haya created a superpowered, chewable vitamin. Haiya is made with zero sugar and zero gummy additives, yet it tastes great and it's perfect for picky eaters. Do you remember when you had to first learn how to swallow pills and it seemed impossible. It seemed like magic. And then your grandma would have, like, a handful of vitamins and she'd just throw them all back at once, and it's like, jesus Christ, Grandma. I was trying to explain this to.

[Sarah Silverman]

Charlie because he was.

[John Lovett]

I was taking an Advil or something.

[Sarah Silverman]

And he's like are you chewing that? And I go no, sometimes you don't chew pills.

[John Lovett]

Wow. But that, but kids, these are.

[Sarah Silverman]

He's eating the high. He's taking the high vitamins though. He's chewing them right up.

[John Lovett]

Formulated with the help of pediatricians and nutrition experts, Haya is pressed with a blend of 12 organic fruits and veggies and supercharged with 15 essential vitamins and minerals to help support immune system energy, brain function, mood, concentration, teeth, bones and more. High is designed for kids two and up and sent straight to your door. So parents have one less thing to worry about. John Charlie takes Haya, right? Sure does.

[Sarah Silverman]

And he needs them because not eating a lot of fruits and vegetables but he eats, he takes the high vitamins.

[John Lovett]

And he enjoys them and he's getting his nutrients.

[Sarah Silverman]

That's what we care about.

[John Lovett]

Have you learned anything about pickiness in the foods?

[Sarah Silverman]

What's that?

[John Lovett]

Can it be? Can it be because. Because it's picky. Picky eater. How do you stop that?

[Sarah Silverman]

Grow out of it.

[John Lovett]

You don't freak out about it. It.

[Sarah Silverman]

That's what I. I'm a. I'm a chill parent.

[John Lovett]

Nice. Yeah.

[Sarah Silverman]

Also, also you've met my wife.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, it's a.

[Sarah Silverman]

She doesn't. She's still a pick eater.

[Lamorne Morris]

Right.

[John Lovett]

No, I mean. Right. It's but two to two. Two bowls of butter noodles. Are you tired of battling your kids to eat their greens? Haya now has Kids Daily Greens and Superfoods, a chocolate flavored greens powder designed specifically for kids. Packed with 55 plus hold ingredients to support brain power development and digestion. Just scoop, shake and sip with milk or any non dairy beverage for a delicious and nutritious boost your kids will actually enjoy. We've worked out a special deal for Haya with their children's vitamin. Receive 50% off your first order. To claim this deal you must go to hiahealth.com love it. This deal is not available on their regular website. Go to H I y dash A H E A L T h dot com L o dash V dash E dash T T and get your kids the full body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults.

[Sarah Silverman]

How many discounts does USAA auto insurance offer? Too many to say here.

[John Lovett]

Multi vehicle discount, Safe driver discount, New vehicle discount, Storage discount. How many discounts will you stack up?

[Esther Povitsky]

Tap the banner or visit usaa.com autodiscounts apply.

[John Lovett]

And we're back. My next guests are the voice of the people. Those people being Esther Provitsky and Lamorn Morris. Please welcome to the stage Esther Bravitzky and Lamor Morris. Hi. Hi. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How you doing? How you doing? Thanks for being here.

[Sarah Silverman]

Hey, of course.

[John Lovett]

Come on in, wherever you want to sit.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay. I have stuff to say about the guy that wants to live forever.

[John Lovett]

Okay.

[Esther Povitsky]

Can we talk about him?

[John Lovett]

Yeah, let's talk about it.

[Esther Povitsky]

Brian Johnson. Let's name him. It doesn't sit right with me. I think it's weird, right? I think men should die. No, hear me. I think it's part of the plan. I think it's masculine to die. That guy, it's just. Can you imagine being on a first date with him? I'm like, okay, so you're going to live forever. So I'm just like never getting your money. What's really the point? I don't know.

[John Lovett]

That's.

[Esther Povitsky]

That's it. That's all I had to say. Okay.

[John Lovett]

Sorry. Lamar, do you know about this man, Brian Johnson?

[Sarah Silverman]

I don't. But he sounds like a hero.

[Esther Povitsky]

He's not a hero.

[Sarah Silverman]

Sounds like a fantastic individual. Forever. He wants to live.

[John Lovett]

He. To live forever. Now you're.

[Sarah Silverman]

Imagine the shit you could do forever. Yeah, I could be the biggest criminal on earth. I could get away with some of the most heinous shit ever because I'm gonna outlive all of you. Yeah, and you'd be fine.

[Esther Povitsky]

You'd be like sitting there eating bean sprouts. It would suck.

[Sarah Silverman]

No, you'd be eating a lot more than that. Cause you're living forever. The world is literally mine.

[John Lovett]

Yes, I see what you're getting at.

[Sarah Silverman]

It's an egg.

[John Lovett]

So, couple things you should just know. Tell me if you're gonna take this deal. Once I explain a few parts of this. He only eats about two hours every day. What he eats is basically a bowl of mushrooms with some sprouts in it. That's basically it.

[Sarah Silverman]

My man.

[John Lovett]

He is also on this age defying journey with his son. That's right. They do monitor each other's evening erections.

[Sarah Silverman]

Wait, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[John Lovett]

What? Someone. It's correct. I know it sounds.

[Sarah Silverman]

Come again? What'd you say? So, did I say this man was my hero?

[John Lovett]

No. Yeah.

[Sarah Silverman]

Nah, nah, nah.

[John Lovett]

Well, hear him out. So I don't totally understand why. And there can't really be a good answer to the question why? I'm not saying that. Oh, that. I'm not saying that. He could tell me why he's monitoring his son's evening erections. And I'd be like, oh, now I get it.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

But it has something to do with proving how young you are with how many erections you're getting in the night.

[Esther Povitsky]

100%. That's real.

[Sarah Silverman]

So he'll walk in the room and check. Wait. He'll, like. He'll be sleeping, and he'll just roll up on him and be like, let me see what my kid working with tonight.

[John Lovett]

I don't like that.

[Sarah Silverman]

Or is he like, son, wake up. You wake up. And he goes, get hard. You know?

[John Lovett]

Right. Like, I don't think it's like a pop quiz. I think it's some sort of a device that monitors. Like. I think it's a. There's some. I don't understand it. I have realized now I know what that's about, because I think I got. Here's what. Because I'm realizing now, in front of all of these lovely people in Burbank, that I was so horrified by the fact that he's keeping track of his son's erections, I didn't pause to think, how would one do that? Like, I don't know what the device or measuring technique is.

[Sarah Silverman]

This guy asked why.

[John Lovett]

Right, Right. Because you just gotta ask. Y' all fucking there is that he also. So anyway, I think there's some downsides, you know?

[Sarah Silverman]

Mm. That feels like one of them. I wanna live forever. If so I gotta check your dick every night. It's like, nah, never mind. I take it back, dad.

[John Lovett]

There's something funny about him, too, which is that he kind of gives away the game. Cause he's like, the world is covered in toxins. One must never be exposed to toxins. You have most. Only taken the most precious of good things into your body. I also have veneers, filler, and I've dyed my hair because I also need to look young. Part of this is being hot. Being hot forever is part of it.

[Esther Povitsky]

He's also like, buy my olive oil. It's like, what is this? What's your end game? You're selling us olive oil?

[Sarah Silverman]

You're selling olive oil. That's crazy.

[John Lovett]

What's cool about living forever, though, is you could start a Lego thing and literally do, like, one brick a day and be like, patience. This is gonna be the great. This is gonna be amazing. No, I get fascinating in a thousand years.

[Sarah Silverman]

I get fascinated when I see. And obviously, these might not be real. I see these things on Instagram all the time where it's like, scientists have figured out a Way to keep people alive by using nanites and all that. That's like shit from a movie. However, if it were real, I'm not saying I would be against it. I might want to live forever myself.

[Esther Povitsky]

That is so bitch of you.

[Sarah Silverman]

You mean bitch in a good way?

[John Lovett]

In a good way.

[Sarah Silverman]

No.

[John Lovett]

What are you talking about?

[Esther Povitsky]

You are a man. You need to die.

[Sarah Silverman]

That don't. That doesn't make a lick of sense. I have done. I have given this world some beautiful shit. Okay? I am a. I am a lover of many. And then how are they gonna know in the future how good I was giving it to them? Unless I do it firsthand? Can you imagine all the messed up fucking robots?

[John Lovett]

Robots.

[Sarah Silverman]

I could please wear robots.

[John Lovett]

The robots would be like, I'm glad he made it. Cause it's better firsthand.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

I just think all the best men die. And I think that you should follow suit.

[John Lovett]

I am. I do think it's interesting that both Lamorne and I thought you meant bitch in a good way.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Didn't you think these.

[Sarah Silverman]

Because you don't just call a dude a bitch. You don't just be like, you a bitch. And I took it because I might be a bitch. I might be.

[John Lovett]

And also, this is the exact kind of guy that should live forever. Esther.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

You host a podcast.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Lamorne, you also host a podcast.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, can I say something about Lamorne?

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay. I. Okay. Lamorne obviously is famous from New Girl, right? We love New Girl. So some people don't know this, but my first job on TV ever was I was in an episode of New Girl. And I was. I was so excited. I played the handbells. Yeah. I played a teenager. I was like, 30. I show up to set, and Lamorne goes, oh, my God. I know you. And I'm like, this is. Oh, my God. Because I'm so nervous, right? Like, I was just so nervous my first time ever on tv. And he's like, I know you. I saw you do stand up at the Comedy Store. I'm like, oh, my God. Yeah. And then he goes, you bombed in front of everyone. Like, it was so embarrassing. But you did. To your credit. You were like. You bombed gracefully.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah. That's not an accurate assessment of how it happened. Not at all. I believe it was something like, oh, my God, I remember you. And she was like, where? And I was like, I think you bombed. But I wasn't sure about it. I wasn't sure. And I was like, no, no, no, you didn't. I was like, no, no, you didn't bomb. It was really funny. It was really funny, but it was like an empty, dead crowd. But I remember you being really funny. That's what I said to her.

[Esther Povitsky]

Well, you hear the B word and, like, Zooey Deschanel is right there. It's, like, really scary.

[John Lovett]

I just think. I just think. Here's what I take away from this. You may forget what someone said, but you won't forget how they made you feel.

[Sarah Silverman]

I. I received that. I'm gonna take that with me to the future.

[John Lovett]

So, Lamorne, you're in Amazon's upcoming show, Spider Noir.

[Sarah Silverman]

Thank you.

[John Lovett]

And I'll tell you, it looks awesome because it looks like a cool show about, like, noir detectives. Yes. Why's it gotta be Spider Man?

[Sarah Silverman]

You think he said, why has it gotta be Spider Man?

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Can't it just be a guy doing the detective thing? What does the spider part ad?

[Sarah Silverman]

If you one, it's dope.

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Sarah Silverman]

And if you saw the spider verse.

[John Lovett]

Yes.

[Sarah Silverman]

The Animated Series, there was a black and white character in it voiced by Nic Cage. So this is the live action show based on that particular character and that particular multiverse or universe, I guess. And so, yeah, we had a good time making it. And people love Spider Man. My kid loves Spider Man. So why not put Spider man in black and white in the 30s? Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Let's go.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah. Cause we've seen a lot of noir shows. We've seen a lot of just Humphrey Bogart just sitting there looking cool as.

[John Lovett]

Hell, but he can't go.

[Sarah Silverman]

He ain't got no webs.

[John Lovett]

He can't have no webs.

[Sarah Silverman]

He can't dodge bullets. Yeah, that's what we want to see.

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Like, if Guy Pearce in LA Confidential could climb up the side of a building. Yeah. Probably the movie would have been shorter.

[Sarah Silverman]

It would be shorter, but for sure. But they would have made a bunch of them and a bunch of models. And ultimately, that's what Sony's trying to do.

[John Lovett]

That's what it's. That's what it's somebody about. Yeah. Esther, do you think we need to rediscover religion as a society? Do you think we should get back to the churches?

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

I.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay. Religion. I grew up without religion. So I'm really. Actually. Can I just say, I'm really confused about the Pope?

[Sarah Silverman]

Listen, I never cared about the Pope until now. Cause he's from Chicago.

[John Lovett]

Cause you're both from Chicago.

[Sarah Silverman]

I'm like, cool, dude.

[Lamorne Morris]

This is Sh.

[Sarah Silverman]

Da Pope. I'm like, yeah, dude.

[Esther Povitsky]

This is so shocking to me. Like, I didn't. I didn't know that the Pope could just like, be a guy from Chicago. Like, that doesn't. That's not sitting right with me. Like, I don't believe in nepotism, but for the Pope, I think it should. There should be something. It should be like some kind of. You shouldn't be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and become the Pope. It's weird.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. It is deeply disconcerting to see ordinary Chicago style Americans being like, oh, yeah, I know the Pope.

[Lamorne Morris]

Like, we could have. Did you.

[Esther Povitsky]

When you were growing up, were you ever like, the Pope could be among you? Like, that's freaky.

[Sarah Silverman]

When I was growing up. No, I was hoping not the Pope. These people are. I'm sorry, I don't want to offend anybody here. These are world famous pedophiles. Like, world famous. I'm hoping this motherfucker don't live across the street. I'm hoping there's an app that be like, there's a Pope here, there's a Pope there, there's 10 popes over here, and there's a few cardinals around the corner. You just. I don't want that.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, no, I mean, it's an important point. I think.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'm just excited. Like, I used to be a waitress at Johnny Rockets, and I'm like, in Chicago, and I'm like, I could have served the Pope.

[John Lovett]

I think what's really kind of confusing about it. No. And I think so.

[Esther Povitsky]

If anyone wants to sign their cast or, you know, bless them and like.

[John Lovett]

Based on the vibes coming off of Leo xiv, I think he's a Johnny Rockets type guy. Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

No, I see it.

[John Lovett]

Johnny Rockets, to me, an inexplicable establishment. Because I've never understood Johnny Rockets. Insofar as if I want a bad burger, there are better places. And if I want a good burger, there are better places. Why do I ever want this specific level of bad?

[Esther Povitsky]

Because you want the music, you want the era, you want the friendly waitress, you want the smiley face, ketchup.

[Sarah Silverman]

Oh, I've never been to Johnny Rockets.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, my God.

[Sarah Silverman]

I used to work at Ed Dubevik's. So is that similar?

[Esther Povitsky]

It is similar, but that's way cooler. Oh, my God. You look cooler than me.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah, dude. And in 500 years, I could tell this same story. You know what I'm saying? How they gonna know?

[John Lovett]

Yeah. In the little cage the robots keep you in and you just scream. You tell the story. You're like, thanks a lot. Kill me Please, please kill me.

[Sarah Silverman]

I take it back.

[John Lovett]

I think you probably did serve the Pope.

[Esther Povitsky]

I know I did.

[John Lovett]

For me, what I was gonna say is, I think what's strangest about an American Pope is there's something about watching like, I don't know, a European or France, whatever or someone become the Pope. Like I didn't understand them before they became the Pope, and I don't understand them after they become the Pope. But to just be a guy from Chicago goes into one room, three days later comes out and the whole fucking place is going nuts. And he's speaking and la. It's crazy. It's a crazy thing. Chicago Pope and I've seen his brothers talking about it. His brother, he has two brothers and they're so fucking funny. And the brothers just go on television and be like, I can't believe it, my brother's the fucking Pope. We play wordle and now my brother's a fucking Pope. They don't curse though, they're good Catholics. Now it's time for a segment we're calling the People have Spoken. I'm going to give you a headline. You're going to tell us if this is an honest to God piece of news that some poor bastard people had to write up or if we made it up. Are you ready?

[Sarah Silverman]

Ready.

[John Lovett]

First up, Brooks Nader and Gleb Savchenko were always having sex on DWTS sets. Says sister, the trailer was shaking.

[Sarah Silverman]

Ooh, I'm gonna say that's real.

[Esther Povitsky]

No, I don't think that's real.

[Sarah Silverman]

You don't think so?

[Esther Povitsky]

The trailer was shaking.

[Sarah Silverman]

Well, them trailers they don't have, they're not very stable. Sometimes you gotta put the stabling blocks on the bottom of it. Cause I get my hair cut a lot in the trailer, right? And then sometimes my barbers gotta stop because people just walk in all heavy footed and shit and I gotta cause I don't wanna fuck my lineup. God already did that for me. So imagine if someone's having sex in an unstable trailer, you know what I'm saying?

[John Lovett]

It's gonna be shaking. Yeah, I'm just thinking about you being like, if this trailer's a rockin' I'm getting a haircut.

[Esther Povitsky]

My mom watches and consumes everything that has to do with Dancing with the Stars and she still won't come to any of my shows. But I think that I would have heard about this by now if this was real.

[John Lovett]

Well, I'm sorry to tell you it's real. What I can tell you firsthand every single Time I visited by Brooks's trailer, the trailer was shaking every single time. Lamorne takes it.

[Sarah Silverman]

Let's go. Next up, I want to do that show now. I've been single a long time. Let me tell you something. Doing it at work, that's nasty.

[John Lovett]

It's hard to meet people. Meghan TR laughs at sudden veneer loss. On today's show, at least I sounded good. Exclusive.

[Esther Povitsky]

Why would this be a headline? What is going on at People magazine?

[Sarah Silverman]

It's. I feel bad if it did happen. You don't want to lose a veneer, but I feel like that's real.

[John Lovett]

It's fake.

[Sarah Silverman]

It's fake.

[John Lovett]

It's fake.

[Sarah Silverman]

Ah, shit.

[John Lovett]

Hi. Next up.

[Sarah Silverman]

Wait. If you're giving points. She didn't even give an answer. You just gave her a point. Cause I was wrong.

[John Lovett]

You don't get points for not being right. You only get points for being right. You don't lose points for being wrong in this game. So I got. Next up, Meghan Trainor changed lyrics to Body Positive Anthem. All about that bass. To mention new boobs.

[Esther Povitsky]

True.

[Sarah Silverman]

She got. She got new boobs. She got them. She got them Mammaries. She got them. Additional. I'm gonna say. Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Let's take a listen. Yeah, she got some new boobs. Yeah. Good for her.

[Esther Povitsky]

Two kids. Why not?

[Sarah Silverman]

Praise Jesus. That's them preachers. That's they be.

[John Lovett]

Is that how they. That's how they are.

[Sarah Silverman]

I grew up in a black church. Well, they.

[John Lovett]

Next up, toddler has surprising fear of John Wil's booth being under her bed. Exclusive. Esther. What do you think? Lauren, what do you think?

[Sarah Silverman]

I want it to be real, Cynthia.

[Esther Povitsky]

I do, too. But if I came home and my baby was afraid of this, I would be like, I'm killing my husband. Why are we giving her some dumbass history lesson and scaring her?

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Why does a toddler know about John Wilkes Booth?

[Sarah Silverman]

That's true.

[Esther Povitsky]

I think it's true.

[John Lovett]

I'd never teach your toddler about failed actors. You got it?

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah. That's what.

[John Lovett]

Cassie's mother told people. She was afraid to lie in her bed one night. I said, it's okay. You're safe. You're in your room. Nobody. Nobody can bother in your own house. She said, yeah, but what if John Wilkes Booth is under my bed? Like, what if he's hiding? Can you believe that?

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah. Oh, that's awesome.

[John Lovett]

Next up, 1000 pound sisters. Amy Slayton is engaged to Brian Lavorne after five months of dating. See the Haunted House Proposal exclusive.

[Sarah Silverman]

Wait, what? Wait. She's a thousand pounds.

[John Lovett]

I think the sisters together. A thousand pounds. That's the total thick. That's the total.

[Sarah Silverman]

Brian lavore after five months of dating. Haunted house.

[John Lovett]

Haunted house proposal.

[Sarah Silverman]

That's. That's true.

[Esther Povitsky]

Well, I just want to say when I'm with my sister, we weigh a thousand pounds. Sorry. I hate my sister. No, I'm just kidding. But she's annoying. I think it's true only because. Oh, God, a haunted house proposal is so tacky. Yeah. When I got engaged. Oh, yeah. My one rule was it could not be in public. No proposals in public. I don't want anyone witnessing it. It's embarrassing to, like, have life steps.

[Sarah Silverman]

Embarrassing.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[Sarah Silverman]

Did you have a whole wedding in front of all those people?

[Esther Povitsky]

We didn't invite anybody.

[Sarah Silverman]

Really?

[John Lovett]

Did you really not?

[Esther Povitsky]

No.

[John Lovett]

Where'd you do it?

[Esther Povitsky]

The Santa Barbara courthouse.

[John Lovett]

Wow.

[Sarah Silverman]

So you went to Santa. Do you live in Santa Barbara? No. What made you go to Santa Barbara to do something private?

[Esther Povitsky]

Well, it's partially because it's beautiful, but also it's the only courthouse where you could go without an appointment.

[Sarah Silverman]

Oh, you just. You. You were a walk in.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, we were a walk in, honey.

[John Lovett]

They take walk ins.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

That's nice. Is it. Can you also have a reservation or is it one of those places that only does walk ins?

[Esther Povitsky]

No, you can do both, but the reservations are really hard to get.

[Sarah Silverman]

How is a reservation hard to get when you can just walk in?

[John Lovett]

How long did you have to wait?

[Esther Povitsky]

Not long. Like an hour. An hour maybe. Yeah.

[John Lovett]

Did you go on a busy day? I don't know what a busy day would be for getting married at the courthouse in Santa Barbara. I guess a Tuesday.

[Esther Povitsky]

It was a Monday.

[John Lovett]

A Monday. That's good. You beat the rush. Or missed the rush.

[Sarah Silverman]

Well, you were waiting for an hour. Did you have any, like, second thoughts while you're waiting?

[Esther Povitsky]

No, I was just hungry.

[Sarah Silverman]

Oh, yeah.

[John Lovett]

Do you have a lunch reservation at least, or do we walk ins for your meal after how unsatisfied we drove.

[Esther Povitsky]

All the way home. And then we ordered sugarfish.

[John Lovett]

Wow.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. Oh, thank you. Oh, my God.

[John Lovett]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wedding. Wedding reveal.

[John Lovett]

We didn't. When we got engaged, we talked about whether it was possible to do a directional surprise. Like, could you figure out a way to both surprise each other? But it started breaking our brains. So we just literally planned it down to the moment in the meal like we were out to dinner. We're gonna do it at dessert, right when dessert comes. Because once dessert is down, it's the least likely time we'll be interrupted by the waiter. So that'll be a quiet moment so we can do our little speeches.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait for your proposal.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Oh, we, like, decided in advance we were gonna get. We were proposing to.

[Sarah Silverman]

Propose to who?

[John Lovett]

We proposed to each other at the exact same moment.

[Sarah Silverman]

Like those Australian sisters. Y' all were just speaking at the same time. Did y' all take turns? Was it scripted? Who said what? Who got on whose knee?

[John Lovett]

No one got on any knees. No one got on any knees. We. So I'll thank you for your question. I'll take it. The generosity, I assume it was intended. And no, our engagement wasn't. Like those freak Australian sisters. Once dessert, we ordered dessert. And once dessert came, we had rings. We each had rings. We exchanged the rings to be engaged. And then we had each said we were going to tell the other why we wanted to be engaged. Like, seriously. And then that was it. We did it. And then we had dessert.

[Esther Povitsky]

What was it?

[John Lovett]

You know, honestly, it's in that family of chocolate desserts where it's not cake. You know, it's like pudding adjacent. And, you know, there's a million names for it, and it's like, this would be better if it was cake. You know, it's like tiramisu is one of them. I think there's like, citrus. I don't know. I don't know. It made me question the whole fucking thing. It's like, is this all there is? You know? And I've been engaged before, so.

[Sarah Silverman]

Wait, Were you?

[John Lovett]

But this one's gonna stick.

[Sarah Silverman]

Okay. Are you married yet?

[John Lovett]

No. Oh, so there's still time. I could it up. I could it up. Done it before. No. You don't know my life. You get exposed to the exact amount of my life that I want you to know about. You know, that's part of it. That's part of it. Lamorne. Esther. You can listen to Lamorning after and Esther's podcast, Trash Tuesdays, wherever you get your podcasts. And if you're in LA, catch Esther at the Comedy Store on May 31st.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

When we're back, the audience gets the mic.

[Sarah Silverman]

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave It. Coming up.

[John Lovett]

Love or Leave it. Brought to you by Planned Parenthood Federation of America. Your body is your own. Planned Parenthood believes everyone should have the freedom to make decisions about their health, including abortion, whenever and wherever they need it. Today and every day, Planned Parenthood is committed to ensuring that everyone has the information and resources they need to make their own decisions about their bodies. Whether you need STI testing and treatment, birth control, gender affirming care, cancer screenings or abortion. Planned Parenthood is there for you and all of us, honestly. But some lawmakers want to force their personal beliefs on everyone else. They're pushing bills to block people from getting sexual and reproductive care. They're cutting access to reproductive health care, trying to block coverage for birth control, promoting abstinence only until marriage programs, and attacking Planned Parenthood. Simply put, the government wants more control over our bodies, decisions and futures. Right now, millions of people are at risk losing access to care, especially women, people of color, rural communities and people with low incomes. Planned Parenthood believes health care is a human right. And together with people like you and me, they're fighting every day to build the future we deserve. One where everyone can get the care they need, no matter who they are or where they live. Supporters like you power this work. Donate to Support Planned Parenthood [e-mail] Protect that's Planned Parenthood.org Protect USAA knows dynamic.

[Sarah Silverman]

Duos can save the day like superheroes.

[John Lovett]

And sidekicks or auto and home insurance. With usaa, you can bundle your auto and home and save up to 10%. Tap the banner to learn more and.

[Sarah Silverman]

Get a'@usaa.com bundle restrictions apply.

[John Lovett]

And we're back. Please welcome Sarah Silverman back to the stage.

[Lamorne Morris]

That was so fun. That was so funny.

[John Lovett]

Hi Sarah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Hello.

[Sarah Silverman]

Hello.

[John Lovett]

Before we get to our final segment, one note. After 2016, it was clear waiting around wasn't an option. That's why we started Crooked Media and why our friend Amanda Lippman co founded Run for Something, an organization that helps young candidates run for local office and win. Her new book, when we're in the Next Generation's Guide to Leadership is out now. Amanda shares what it's like when a new generation steps into power. Not just in politics, but in business, activism and everyday life. Sometimes you can't just step into power. You gotta kinda push some old people, get em outta there. But either way, it's happening. You know, speaking of men not living forever, you know, at some point some of these old guys, they, you know, God opens up a seat, you know, on the various committees. The book is a manual for leadership on your own terms. No gatekeeping, no losing yourself in the process. Just real tools, honest lessons and the kind of clarity leaders need. So we really want to help Amanda get on the best sellers list. So get your copy of when we're in [e-mail] books right now. All Right. Look, as a group of comedians and podcasters, we're all pretty good about talking about tiny and insignificant problems, right?

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[John Lovett]

I think so.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yeah.

[John Lovett]

It's the water we swim in. So it's time for a segment we're calling Itty Bitty Pity Committee.

[Sarah Silverman]

Can we make that happen?

[John Lovett]

It's that same headshot, tilted. Everybody's playing little violins. That's my primanjaro face.

[Sarah Silverman]

That's Martin Luther King's dream right there.

[John Lovett]

Anyway, if you need advice on a tiny, tiny little problem, raise your hand. Bill, our producer's floating around with a mic. Who's got a tiny little problem?

[Sarah Silverman]

Hi.

[Esther Povitsky]

I do.

[John Lovett]

Hi. What's your small problem?

[Esther Povitsky]

So I'm having a girls trip next.

[John Lovett]

Weekend and we have to make a.

[Esther Povitsky]

Trip to Costco before we get there. We're trying to figure out if we.

[Lamorne Morris]

Should go to Costco 10 minutes away.

[John Lovett]

From where we're leaving or go to.

[Esther Povitsky]

The one that's 30 minutes out of.

[John Lovett]

The way, but technically closer to the Airbnb.

[Esther Povitsky]

Cause we have perishables and we're worried about like the freezer and stuff.

[John Lovett]

So it's gonna.

[Esther Povitsky]

It could be like a two hour trip and we're just trying to figure that out.

[John Lovett]

That is a beautiful small problem. Lamorne, what do you think?

[Sarah Silverman]

Wait, so one you said? So there's one that's closer to where you're going, you said?

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, so we're leaving from Santa Clarita.

[John Lovett]

To oxnard and there's one 10 minutes.

[Esther Povitsky]

Away from when we leave Santa Clarita.

[John Lovett]

Or we can wait and go to.

[Esther Povitsky]

The one that adds half an hour.

[Lamorne Morris]

In Oxnard to our trip.

[Sarah Silverman]

Get that shit delivered. What are we doing?

[Esther Povitsky]

What?

[Sarah Silverman]

Get it delivered.

[Esther Povitsky]

And miss out on an in store experience at Costco? Okay, I. I'm a new mom. We live for our Costco trips.

[John Lovett]

What?

[Esther Povitsky]

I would go to whichever one is the better Costco. Get on Yelp, girl. Let's see those reviews.

[Sarah Silverman]

Nah.

[Esther Povitsky]

Thank you.

[Sarah Silverman]

That's why you're making mistakes, I think.

[John Lovett]

Here's what I think. That on a trip with the girls, an extra 30 minutes in the car is part of the fun. Who doesn't love an extra 30 minutes again to hang out with your best friends, you know? Do you not see them all the time?

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, no, we see each other like every week.

[John Lovett]

Wow.

[Sarah Silverman]

Now I gotta sit in this hot ass car with all these funky ass people. So I got a friend who farts and keeps the windows. He'll drive, he'll lock the windows and fart.

[John Lovett]

You also know Josh, Gadda, Sarah, you're the final vote. Are we going to Oxnard or Santa Clarita? Costco. It's a tiny, tiny problem.

[Lamorne Morris]

You know, I think the close one, you get a cooler. You got that cooler now for life. Cut out the 30 minutes extra and you live your life.

[John Lovett]

Wow, I like that. That's good advice. That's good advice. Who's next? Hi, sir. What's your tiny little problem? Oh, so we don't have a dishwasher. That's not the problem. The problem is we consistently complain about not having a dishwasher. And we all know that all of our devices listen to keywords that we say all the time. One being dishwasher. So all of my ads are dishwashing detergent. Wow. So your problem is that you're deeply paranoid, which is, I think, actually a big problem. But there's also a small problem, which is you're getting a lot of ads for dish related. Specifically the pods. Yeah, the pods. But you can't use them. Correct? Because you can't use them because they don't have dishwashers.

[Sarah Silverman]

They have a dishwasher. Where do you live? The streets. You've got bigger problems. Sir.

[John Lovett]

My new girl checked in cash. Wow. Okay.

[Sarah Silverman]

Mine didn't either. Have you ever worked for Fox?

[John Lovett]

So, yeah, I mean, I guess there's not really much to do for you because the algorithm controls us all. Like, we don't have the ability. I don't even know how you would begin to, I guess, maybe search for things that a person who lives in a disgusting home would search for. Like, you know, rats in the bed. Yeah, yeah, that kind of thing. Any other thoughts?

[Lamorne Morris]

If you're not getting a dishwasher, stop talking about it. Just wash your dishes.

[John Lovett]

Really smart. Really smart. That's why she's the best.

[Sarah Silverman]

Who else do you live with? People?

[John Lovett]

Yeah, I live with my fiance right here. Oh, wow.

[Sarah Silverman]

Terrible joke coming up.

[John Lovett]

You rent. We rent. You rent? Yeah. So you can't get a dishwasher because you rent.

[Sarah Silverman]

No garbage disposal either.

[John Lovett]

Well, that's not worse. That's not worse. That's not a big deal at all. Dishwasher, not worse. You can scrape your plates into the garbage and then put them in the dishwasher. That's fine. No disposal. Who gives a shit? The dishwasher, that's a life changer.

[Sarah Silverman]

That's a better world, I will tell you. You know what my mom used to do growing up? I grew up on the south side of Chicago. We didn't have a dishwasher we were the dishwashers. So then when we moved to a different neighborhood, there was a dishwasher in our apartment. My mom used to use the dishwasher as storage. And she was like, you better not turn this dishwasher on. She's like, y' all got hands. And so I. Till this day, I have a dish I don't really use. I'm always just washing dishes by hand.

[Lamorne Morris]

I grew up without a dishwasher, too. And I. And I had a dishwasher in my apartment. I never used it. Same. I should have not interrupted this just to.

[Sarah Silverman]

No.

[Lamorne Morris]

But now I have a dishwasher, and it's like magic.

[Sarah Silverman]

Well, no, because, you know, dishwashers be on some bullshit, Right? Because there are plenty of times I would load the dishwasher and then a cup would get flipped over, right? And then it's got water in it. I go out of town, I come back, this cup is filled with mold. And then you open up and you forget, and the whole thing is funky. And you're like, I should have just washed this shit on my hand. On my hand.

[Esther Povitsky]

Without emptying your dishwasher.

[Lamorne Morris]

You have to unload it.

[Sarah Silverman]

I forget. That's why I just use my hands every time I gotta wait however long this shit to take and just be like, I gotta unload the dishwasher. We got other shit to do.

[Esther Povitsky]

Could you guys invest in more paper plates? That's what I would do.

[John Lovett]

Good luck. Who else has got one? Hi. What's your tiny problem? During the show, I just found out that there's a rip in the heel of my shoe. And I should probably go and get a new shoe, but I don't want to go to the shoe store.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, my God. This town is lousy with cobblers. It'll cost you eight bucks. It's the greatest racket in la. You could charge so much more for this. No, eight dollars. They'll make your shoe like new.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, go to the fucking cobbler. Everything doesn't have to be replaced. You don't have to throw everything out in this world, this disposable world. These people over here are using paper plates. You're throwing out a perfectly good pair of shoes just because of a rip in the heel. I don't even know what that means.

[Sarah Silverman]

Yo, what kind of shoes are you wearing?

[Lamorne Morris]

He's wearing heels.

[Sarah Silverman]

Oh, your heel broke.

[John Lovett]

Oh, they're. They're Converse.

[Sarah Silverman]

They're con. Oh, they're really thin. They're really thin.

[Lamorne Morris]

Buy new shoes. Buy new Converse.

[Sarah Silverman]

You ever hear of Grounding?

[John Lovett]

Do I have a what?

[Sarah Silverman]

Have you heard of grounding?

[John Lovett]

No.

[Sarah Silverman]

This one. You just walk around barefoot. You gotta get in touch, man. You get that energy from the earth. This is God's sign. This is God's way of telling you, you ain't in touch.

[Lamorne Morris]

I agree. If you walk barefoot enough, your body makes its own shoe.

[John Lovett]

It does. Such good advice. Such good advice. Let's do one more. Let's do one more.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, who's the woman sitting next to you? Can't you just take her shoes?

[John Lovett]

That's my wife. And she's got much smaller feet.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, okay.

[John Lovett]

And also, you presumably want her to be happy.

[Sarah Silverman]

I'm assuming. He's carrying her everywhere. This is why.

[John Lovett]

Carrying her? Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

Look at him swallowing the word happy. You can't even say it.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, that's. No, we've all.

[Lamorne Morris]

Misery is your kink.

[John Lovett]

We have one more. Should I pay for my bridesmaids makeup? Oh, well, that's a. I think that's a very.

[Sarah Silverman]

Well.

[John Lovett]

Are we talking, like, how ugly are they?

[Lamorne Morris]

They're beautiful.

[John Lovett]

They're beautiful. Smart answer. Have you already made them pay for a dress?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[John Lovett]

And was it an expensive dress? No. Is it a dress that you know is not that nice because you're protecting your interests? No, beyond. Stop it. So you're saying it's a cheap, beautiful dress you're having and you want everyone.

[Lamorne Morris]

Pick their own styles?

[John Lovett]

Own styles. What color? Champagne.

[Esther Povitsky]

That's a hard color.

[John Lovett]

That's a tough color. Tough color. And can you afford to pay for their makeup? It's in the budget. It's in the budget.

[Sarah Silverman]

It's in the budget.

[John Lovett]

It's in the budget.

[Sarah Silverman]

What are you gonna do with the money? Keep it.

[John Lovett]

No.

[Sarah Silverman]

Gonna throw some makeup on these wolves. What you doing? What you doing?

[John Lovett]

What you doing? What do you think, Sarah, if you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Don'T pay for the. To get their makeup done, where will that money go towards?

[Esther Povitsky]

Probably decor, flowers, et cetera.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's six in one. I don't know if it makes them happy. And here's.

[John Lovett]

Yeah, I think you should. Here's why I think you should. Because there's one of two possibilities. If you pay for it, there's a nice moment in the day where you're all getting your makeup done, everybody's happy, no issues, no contradictions. And that's price. That's a memory for the rest of your life. And you're not gonna think the whole day, should I pay for this? Should I pay for this? Should I pay for this? You'll never regret paying for it, especially once you get divorced.

[Lamorne Morris]

That's a great point. And also, if you decide to pay for it, don't get in your head about like, oh, this, she was being cunty and I paid for it. Like, just, you're paid for it, you're paying for it. Done.

[John Lovett]

Yeah. Or honestly, one thing you could do is just not pay for it and buy these poor people a dishwasher. All right, let's leave it there. That is our show. Thank you so much to Sarah Silverman, Lamorin Morris, Esther Kavitsky. We'll see you next week at Dynasty typewriter. There are 535 days until the midterms. Have a great night and have a great weekend. If you're already scrolling endlessly, which we know you are, don't forget to follow us at Crooked media on Instagram, TikTok and all the other ones for original content, community events and more. You can also find Love it or leave it on YouTube for videos of your favorite segments and other YouTube exclusive content. And if you want to type our praises or rip us a new one, consider dropping us a review. Finally, you can join Crooked's Friends of the Pod subscription community for ad free Love it or Leave it and Pod Save America episodes, subscriber exclusive pods and more. Sign up at Crooked. Love it or Leave it is a Crooked Media production. It is written and produced by me, John Lovett and Lee Eisenberg. Kendra James is our executive producer, Bill McGrath is our producer and Kennedy Hill is our associate producer. Hallie Keefer is our head writer. Sarah Lazarus, Jocelyn Coffin, Peter Miller, Alan Pierre and Will Miles are our writers. Jordan Kanter is our editor. Kyle Seglin and Charlotte Landis provide audio support. Stephen Colon is our audio engineer. Our theme song is written and performed by Chercher. Thanks to our designer so Sammy could earn a rez for creating and running all of our visuals, which you can't see because this is a podcast. And thanks to our digital producers, David Tulls, Claudia Shang, Mia Kelman, Delon Villanueva and Rachel Gajewski for filming and editing video each week. Our head of production is Matt De Groot, our head of programming is Madeline Herringer, and our production staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America. My favorite part about having US Cellular home Internet is all the things it lets me do. Its quick connection lets me enjoy things like streaming my shows, keeping up with my friends online, taking work calls without lagging, and not having to stress about cost. Switch to US Cellular and do the things you love with the Internet. You love just $39 when bundled with a wireless plan. And if you don't love it, you.

[Lamorne Morris]

Have 15 days to let us know terms apply.

[John Lovett]

Visit uscellular.com for details.

[Sarah Silverman]

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[John Lovett]

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[Sarah Silverman]

Get a'@usaa.com bundle restrictions.