Trump Kills the World Cup Vibe

Summary

Lovett or Leave It – “Trump Kills the World Cup Vibe”

Podcast: Lovett or Leave It
Host: Jon Lovett
Guests: Alanna Ubach, Dana Gould
Date: July 8, 2026

Episode Overview

This lively episode finds Jon Lovett dissecting another wild week in politics and pop culture, with a particular spotlight on how Donald Trump’s controversial intervention overshadowed America’s World Cup moment. The show features Lovett’s signature comedic perspective, a deep dive into the fallout over Maine’s Senate race, and engaging, offbeat banter with guests Alanna Ubach and Dana Gould—covering everything from Hollywood trivia games to observations on the aging process, AI, and dildos (yes, really).

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Key Segments & Takeaways

1. Opening Monologue & World Cup Drama (00:15–10:14)

• Theme: Lovett humorously laments how Trump ruined the World Cup “vibe” during what could have been a bright spot in a tough American summer.
• Trump’s Intervention:
  • US Men’s team star Flo Balogun’s red card against Bosnia initially led to a suspension for the subsequent match against Belgium; this seemed non-negotiable per FIFA.
  • Trump directly called FIFA President Gianni Infantino, lobbying for Balogun's reinstatement in, as Lovett puts it, “late-night, guns blazing” fashion.
  • Infantino, previously cozy with Trump (e.g., FIFA office in Trump Tower; a laughable FIFA ‘peace prize’), surprisingly overturns the red card—unprecedented since 1962.
• Lovett’s Take:
  • Lovett lampoons the melodrama of soccer injuries and jokes about “America showing up late…guns blazing” (01:29).
  • “That’s our whole thing. The land of opportunity, where no dream or hospital bill is too big. Welcome to America, bitches.” (04:14)
  • Despite Trump’s “corrupt influence for good,” the US still loses to Belgium 4–1. Lovett pokes fun at international perceptions—the Belgian team’s victory meme, followed by a joke about a (fictional) US military response.

2. Maine’s Senate Race Scandal (06:00–10:14)

• Controversy: Democratic nominee Graham Platner faces credible sexual assault allegations, with evidence including therapist emails and messages to acquaintances (06:12).
• Platform Parody: Lovett roasts Platner’s weak denials of past scandals—comparing him to a “scandal aficionado” and mocking the insincerity entrenched in these political responses.
• Quote: “Bill Clinton really was one of a kind, wasn’t he? He made you feel like you were the only person in the room he was lying to.” (06:35)
• Succession Concerns: The party scrambles for a replacement ahead of the July 13 deadline, floating several potentially problematic or uninspired names.
• Lovett’s Take: “This is America. We don’t even accept having to choose between Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Despite our doctor’s tearful warnings…” (08:33)
• Absurdist Maine Jokes: Lovett riffs on Maine stereotypes (“Give me that lobster. And is that Stephen King? No, that’s a lobster.” (09:18))

3. Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce’s Wedding (10:00–10:14)

• Pop Culture Zinger: “Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce tied the knot at an intimate 1000-person wedding…It ended with a judgment in Swift’s favor and Kelce was TKOed in the third round.” (09:51)

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4. Extended Guest Segment: Hollywood, Humor, and Hilarity (12:36–47:00)

Introductions & Icebreakers (12:40–13:33)

• Guests: Alanna Ubach & Dana Gould (humorously introduced as being “in everything you’ve ever seen”) kick things off with roasts, laughter, and trivia games.
• Notable Quote: Lovett: “Alana and Dana, you both have IMDb pages longer than Taylor Swift’s wedding guest list. But unlike Taylor’s wedding, I’m here.” (13:14)

“Was I in this?” - Hollywood Trivia Game (13:34–24:29)

• Game Details: Alanna and Dana quiz the audience about their past roles, mixing showbiz nostalgia with playful corrections and inside stories.
• Highlights:
  • Alanna’s role as Marcia’s closeted friend in The Brady Bunch Movie (14:40)—importance for queer representation noted.
  • Reflections on playing side characters in iconic comedies (Legally Blonde, Seinfeld, Roseanne, etc.).
  • Dana discusses his tendency to play roles related to “digging holes”—in Seinfeld, The Simpsons, and as a grave digger in Stan Against Evil (17:38).
    • “I would show up and they’re like, all right, Dana’s wrapped. Break down the set.” (24:17)
  • Lovett and guests joke about changing perceptions of age in Hollywood, Botox, and the enduring power of water…and Juvederm. (21:19, 21:32)
  • Industry anecdotes: acting with CGI (on Ted), being paid to voice background characters in Grand Theft Auto V for $223 in just 30 minutes (22:27–23:10)

Comedy, Culture, and Side Projects (30:04–40:24)

• Dana’s “Dr. Zaius Talk Show” (31:08–35:33):
  • A surreal side-hustle originating from a Ben Stiller Show sketch; now a full talk format, with Dana in full Planet of the Apes makeup.
  • “The whole thing is something of a horrible miracle.” (33:50)
  • Disney tolerates it so long as he doesn’t make “too much money.” (35:20)
• Malevolent Creativity & Masks:
  • Quick discussion of a study connecting mask-wearing to “malevolent creativity.” (35:33)
• On Acting & Joy:
  • Alanna describes retaining a genuine love for acting: “No, I had a lobotomy. And I just love it. I still do. I’m a dog with a ball…I love the ball.” (37:38)
• Aging & Legacy in the Biz:
  • More Hollywood age jokes, including on The Golden Girls, Cocoon, and comparing today’s self to “old” characters from the past (20:56–21:19).

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5. The Pop Culture Headline Game: “The People Have Spoken” (42:13–47:00)

• Lovett reads ridiculous pop culture headlines—guests must guess which are real.
• Memorable Moments:
  • Goofs about John Cena’s bald look (“He looks nice like that.” (43:46)), Sara Bareilles dissing Anderson Cooper, Dua Lipa’s psychic Lyme scare, and Riley Greene’s exes not calling him post-sexiest country star win (“Yeah, that’s sad for him.” (45:34))
  • Alanna’s tongue-in-cheek theory: “A lot of testosterone going on when you lose your hair. You know what I’m saying ladies.” (43:56)

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6. Segment: “Second Thoughts” – Production Notes as Confessional (47:20–51:44)

• Lovett humorously reads feedback from his producers about bits that missed the mark or got too weird, inviting guests to reflect, too.
• Highlights:
  • Regrets about “giving the Pentagon ideas” (re: Brussels joke), not clarifying jokes, arguing about vampire slaying logistics, and oversharing (47:47–49:36).
  • Dana tells a classic Katharine Hepburn adult novelty joke (48:41, 49:01).
  • Brief digression into “better in theory than practice” jokes about dildos and sexual aids in TV writing—Ted stories (49:54–50:10).

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7. Closing Banter – Porn, Paleolithic Sex Jokes, and Goodnights (51:19–52:07)

• Dana talks about the cycle of classic porn actresses aging (“all those women are now…nice old ladies”) (51:32).

• The show humorously devolves into evolutionary humor (“The first porn I saw was Lucy…the one they found in Africa?”), culminating in, “Clan of the Sex Cave Bear.” (51:52–52:05)

• Lovett’s goodbye: “There are 117 days until the midterm elections. We will be back in your feeds on Friday. Have a great night.” (52:07)

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Notable Quotes & Moments by Timestamp

• “Try giving birth, fellas, as the women cheer and carry me off on their shoulders.”
  (00:48, Lovett on soccer injuries)
• “Infantino, which is Italian for ‘giant baby’...”
  (01:37, Lovett on FIFA’s president)
• Trump: “I understand sports really well. Really well. And that wasn’t a foul. That wasn’t even an infraction…”
  (02:46, Trump impression/skit)
• “You can’t punish people in the past. That’s not how time works. That’s how Timecop works.”
  (03:57, Lovett)
• “He made you feel like you were the only person in the room he was lying to.”
  (06:34, Lovett on Bill Clinton)
• On Brenda Bunch Movie & Queer Representation:
  “That was a big deal that you played a gay character in that movie. In 1995…”
  (14:45, Lovett to Alanna)
• On acting with a CGI bear:
  “You were looking at two little eyeballs on a metal stick the entire time.”
  (30:09, Alanna)
• On Dr. Zaius project:
  “I will say things that I don’t think I would think of…”
  (35:51, Dana)
• On loving acting:
  “I’m a freak…Yeah. Isn’t that weird?”
  (38:09, Alanna)
• On the mustache trend:
  “I would look like a baby—a medicine toddler trying to sneak into an R-rated movie.”
  (46:41, Lovett)
• On porn consumption in COVID:
  “All the porn. I got…finally clicked on the last link and it was just a skeleton in a miner’s hat.”
  (50:54, Dana)
• “That is where we’re at.”
  (51:42, Lovett, ending the show on a delightfully surreal note.)

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Episode Timestamps: Important Segments

• 00:15–10:14: Monologue – World Cup & Maine Senate Race Blowups
• 12:36–24:29: Guest Segment – “Was I in This?” (Hollywood Game/Interviews)
• 30:04–40:24: Comedic Hollywood/Acting Anecdotes + Side Hustles (Dr. Zaius)
• 42:13–47:00: Pop Culture Real-or-Fake Headline Game
• 47:20–51:44: “Second Thoughts” and Producer’s Notes Bloopers
• 51:45–52:07: Off-the-rails closing riffs

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Summary

This episode of Lovett or Leave It perfectly encapsulates the show’s blend of ruthless political satire, comedic vulgarity, and pop-cultural obsession. Lovett weaves mock outrage, sharp insight, and self-deprecating humor through both the week’s political news (from Trump’s latest interventionism to epic Democratic flounders in Maine), and his conversations with showbiz veterans. Alanna and Dana’s stories underline the absurdities of Hollywood as much as Lovett’s monologue does for D.C., and the group’s willingness to riff on anything—from dildo-wielding teddy bears to elderly vampires—makes for an episode that’s equal parts smart, irreverent, and never boring.

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is an excellent introduction to Lovett or Leave It’s live-show energy, Democratic-insider snark, and sense of gleeful unseriousness about “serious” things.
If you like politics with a heavy dose of humor and showbiz weirdness, you’ll find plenty to enjoy.

Transcript

[A]

What's up, Los Angeles? Welcome to Love it or Leave It Live from Hollywood, I'm John Lovett. And Taylor Swift copied my wedding. It was my idea to invite celebrities. We've got a great show for you tonight, but first, let's get into it. What a week. The World Cup. Trump may have wrecked America's 250th birthday, the National Mall, and the experience of seeing a person in any red baseball cap at a distance. But the World cup was a bright spot in a dark summer as fans visiting from all over the world discovered ranch dressing and Waffle House and the powerful air conditioners that help us survive the summer on a diet of ranch dressing and Waffle House. And then last Wednesday, Flo Balogun, the US Men's team's top scorer, received a red card in the game against Bosnia after stepping on a defender's ankle. Just as an aside, I love how soccer incentivizes these big, dramatic performances from injured players. The tears, the crying out to the heavens, the rending of garments. Try giving birth, fellas, as the women cheer and carry me off on their shoulders. Baligan was suspended for the following game, where the US Would face mighty Belgium. FIFA officials told reporters that the suspension could not be appealed. But it turns out that FIFA rules are a lot like the front lines in World War I. They seem immovable when it involves Germans and French. And then America shows up late, guns blazing. On Thursday, Trump called FIFA president Gianni Infantino, which is Italian for giant baby, and asked him to review Baligan's suspension. Trump also threatened to invade Kharg island unless Infantino opened up the Strait of Hormuz. But it was late and Trump is not great after dark anymore. Infantino has spent years sucking up to Trump. FIFA rented office space in Trump Tower, which has sat basically unused. Infantino also awarded Trump the made up and embarrassing FIFA peace prize. And then on Sunday, FIFA made a stunning announcement. Baligan would be allowed to play against Belgium after all, the first time a red card had been overturned at the World cup since 1962. The Belgians were furious, though it is hard to tell because it's impossible to look angry while eating a waffle. Think about it. On Monday, Trump said he had nothing to do with the decision, but confirmed he called Infantino.

[B]

I understand sports really well. Really well. And that wasn't a foul. That wasn't even an infraction. No. These were two great athletes that got tangled up. And this referee, who is a little bit suspect, if you check his past, I don't want to say that because I don't like to create controversy, but very suspect. If you'd like, I'll provide you with the past.

[A]

Trump said that, like he bumped into the ref on Epstein's Island. The president, who, as he said, understand sports really well, continued, he didn't do anything wrong.

[B]

And he's our best player or one of our best players, a very vital player. And he gave him a red card. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't think it meant much. Then I started hearing that that means he can't play in the next game. That's very unfair. That's, you know, it's one thing to penalize somebody for the game, but how do you penalize them for a game that hasn't been played yet? It's very unfair. You can't do that. So, yes, I asked for a review by FIFA.

[A]

So that starts with Trump having a problem with this specific issuance of the red card. Then Trump seems to have a problem with the existence of the red card. Generally, by the end, Trump questions the abstract concept of punishment itself. How do you penalize someone for a game that hasn't been played yet? You can't punish people in the past. That's not how time works. That's how time cop works. That's not how time works. Look, the red card was unfair. So in this instance, Trump used his corrupt influence for good. But does that make it okay? Yes. I'm sorry, but you want Belgium to have an advantage beyond the protected estuary that has allowed Antwerp to become a global shipping hub. And sure, Trump's intervention has totally obliterated the international goodwill we generated during our time hosting the World Cup. But that's not on us. Oh, visitors came to our shores, lulled into a sense of belonging by America's grandeur and sense of possibility, only to be shocked by our sociopathic ambition and competitiveness just beneath the surface. That's our whole thing. The land of opportunity, where no dream or hospital bill is too big. Welcome to America, bitches. Anyway, we lost to Belgium four to one. Fuck. The official account for the Belgian team posted a picture of their victory over the caption overturn this in a lighthearted response. The US Military has destroyed the city of Brussels. Here's the Belgian team celebrating their victory with a not so subtle dig at Trump. Got him. Trump hasn't been this embarrassed in a locker room since that time he accidentally hit on a Miss Teen USA's mom thought she was one of the contestants. In Less Sporting News, Maine's hugely important Senate race was upended yet again, this time by a credible allegation that the Democratic Party's nominee, oyster farmer and scandal aficionado Graham Platner, committed sexual assault in 2021. A former partner of Platner and a Democrat who actually had hoped to avoid going public told Politico that he forced her to have sex with him despite her repeated objections. A claim backed up by emails with her therapist and messages warning an acquaintance about Platner. Back in 2023, Platner denied the allegations.

[C]

I wanted to directly address the troubling, serious and false allegations against me.

[A]

Man, Bill Clinton really was one of a kind, wasn't he? He made you feel like you were the only person in the room he was lying to. Platner weathered scandals around his red posts and the Nazi tattoo he got while serving in the military. Polls showed that voters preferred Platner to Maine's governor, 78 year old Janet Mills, who suspended her campaign rather than lose her last race. And twist, it turns out this was the 178 year old politician who should have hung on to the bitter fucking end. In January, Platner was asked directly on CNN if there would be any more scandals. Are there other skeletons from your past that still may emerge in this race?

[C]

No, my life is not very complicated and no, there is not anything else coming.

[A]

Skeletons. No skeletons, said Platner, seen here in his backyard. For those listening, it's a photo of Ralph Fiennes and 28 years later, Colon the bone temple. Safe to say Platner wasn't honest in that interview. He also wasn't honest about the tattoo when he claimed on Pond Save America to have only recently learned what it meant. He wasn't honest when he reassured Senate Democrats in June that there wouldn't be credible allegations, allegations of assault. And it's hard to believe he's being honest now when the allegations suggest Platner may have been too drunk to even remember what he had done. So while Platner has not yet officially dropped out, his statement suggests he will.

[C]

Regardless of the inaccuracy of the reporting, but mindful of the political reality it will inflict, we are taking the time to reflect on the best path forward for the state that I love, the people that I love, the movement I belong to, and the goal of defeating Susan Collins.

[A]

What a disaster. Covered up that Nazi tattoo for nothing. There will be people online who will say they were right about Graham Platner all along. And to them I say congratulations, your medals are in the mail. The problem is if Graham Platner was always unacceptable, the alternative was seen as even less acceptable by actual voters. Maine had to choose between a scandal plagued candidate who challenged the establishment versus a boring and uninspired candidate who represented the establishment. And that should be a false choice. This is America. We don't even accept having to choose between Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. Despite our doctor's tearful warnings, every prominent Democrat has called on Platner to withdraw from the race. And as long as he drops out by Monday, July 13, he can be replaced on the ballot. But who will replace him? And how will that person be chosen? Nobody knows. Among the names are Janet Mills, who seemed barely interested in running in the first place, Maine public health official Nurav Shah, and state senator and logger Troy Jackson, both of whom lost their runs for governor and Secretary of State Shanna Bellows, who previously lost to Collins in 2014 by 37 points. But you know what they say in Maine, A loser is just a winner who hasn't won yet. They don't say that. They say, give me that lobster. And oh, we don't have many of you around here. And is that Stephen King? Oh, no, that's a lobster. We don't have many of you around here. That's about Jews. Did that come across until then? As I've said from the very beginning, Janet Mills is 78, but a young 78. Let's go, Janet. And finally, Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce tied the knot at an intimate 1000 person wedding inside New York's Madison Square Garden. It ended with a judgment in Swift's favor and Kelce was TKOed in the third round. All right, we have got a great show for you tonight. Alana Eubock and Dana Gould are here and will be right back.

[D]

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or leave it coming up.

[A]

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[D]

and we're back.

[A]

If you are in the LA area, you can still get [e-mail] events to check out our new studio and upcoming guests, including the hilarious Langston Kerman and Margaret Cho. Plus the first Gen Z member of Congress, Maxwell Frost is here. And next week we'll be joined by the great David Wayne and Joe Lotruglio and Other special guests.

[D]

All right.

[A]

My guests tonight have been in everything you've ever seen, and they were phenomenal. Put your hands together for Alana Eubach and Dana Gould.

[D]

You have the mis. Un. Hi.

[B]

Hi.

[D]

You have the misfortune.

[A]

What is it?

[D]

We know each other quite well.

[A]

I like it. Well, because, first of all, you're in TED together.

[D]

We are in Ted together. And we live in the same neighborhood.

[A]

You live in real life in the same neighborhood. Really?

[D]

And I have had to take several medications because of this one.

[B]

Oh, really?

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, I wonder what kind of medications that would be. Alana and Dana, you both have IMDb pages longer than Taylor Swift's wedding guest list. But unlike Taylor's wedding, I'm here. And to kick off. So we're gonna kick it off with a classic love it or leave it game. It's called Was I in this?

[E]

That's exciting.

[A]

Here's how it works. Alana and Dana will take turns asking you, our beautiful studio audience, about specific roles from their long and storied TV and film work. Raise your hand if you'd like to try your luck answering a question. Here's your cards. Alana and Dana, here are your cards.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay, why don't. Alana, why don't you kick us off and pull up. What was your name, sir? I'm Robert. Robert.

[E]

Robert.

[A]

Alana, you want to ask him the question?

[E]

Yes. Fella, True or false? I portrayed a closeted lesbian in 1995's the Brady Bunch movie. True.

[A]

Well, that's.

[E]

Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

[A]

Would you have known? Uh, yes. Okay.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Now. No, no, you did great. You did great. No, no, stay, Please stay. Stay.

[E]

I'm not gonna mess up the next.

[A]

No, you did great. It's funny that it happened. Okay, there's. Well, there's another question on this one for the next person.

[E]

Um, true or.

[B]

No, Wait, wait.

[A]

Yeah, we do the next one. Do that one.

[D]

Don't take this the wrong way, Alana. Existence is an offense against nature.

[A]

Wait, I want to talk about the Brady Bunch movie. Okay, so you were Marcia's closeted friend.

[D]

That was.

[A]

I feel like there's a lot of gay kids. That. That was like, a seminal experience. I really do. That. That was a big deal that you played a gay character in that movie. In 1995, I was madly in love

[E]

with Christine Taylor, who was married to Ben Stiller. And you have that Ben Stiller vibe. Good looking. Wow. Very intellectual.

[A]

That's so nice.

[E]

No, it's a compliment.

[A]

I tell you. I I mean, I accept it as such.

[E]

I was supposed to be in love with him in Meet the Fockers as well. I had his baby.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

So I got. I got both of them. Little polyamorous action there. And I got paid for it.

[A]

Do you think that today Marcia would be bi?

[E]

Would Marcia be bi and just lead

[A]

you on, but in a bi way? Like, you know what I mean? Like, she's oblivious in the film. It works because she's from another era and you're a lesbian, which is modern in 1995 or whatever. But Marcia couldn't know because she was a creature from another time.

[E]

She really was.

[A]

But today she'd just be kind of lead you on, but in a byway, 100%.

[E]

And Jan would be a they.

[A]

Oh, yeah. They then would for sure. You know, that's what she's been searching for. That's what they've been searching for. Wait.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Do you want to do the next one and then we'll go to.

[E]

Yes. Would anyone like to guess someone else? Raise your hand and I'll give you the answer. I promise.

[A]

This is going great here. Let's go to Betsy in the front row.

[E]

True or false? I played Paulette Bonifante in Legally Blonde and legally blonde 2. Red, white, and blonde. False. Woo.

[D]

You got it.

[A]

You got it and you won. That was Jennifer Coolidge's character. You were the friend. Serena McGuire. That was from a time when it was a big deal for a woman to be a lawyer.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Back in the mid 2000s. Like a woman lawyer with blonde hair and a lawyer with blonde hair. A woman lawyer. Wow. And she kept surprising them by being good at it.

[E]

Right.

[A]

That's the twist in Legally Blonde, is she's good at it.

[E]

She's a smart mom. She's good at it.

[A]

It's funny.

[D]

What?

[A]

But she's good at it. Dana, why don't you do a question? What's your name?

[E]

My name is Meera. Nice to meet you both.

[A]

Dana, ask a question.

[D]

Hi, Mira. Hi. True or false? I played Paul Reiser's childhood friend Frankie in an episode of Mad about yout, a sitcom in the 90s, when to turn the channel on your television set, you had to walk across the room and turn a knob with your hand like a monkey in a lab test trying to win a raisin.

[E]

Yeah, that was clearly before my time.

[D]

Yes.

[E]

I'm gonna go with true.

[D]

Mira, that is false. You looked me in the eyes and lied. But I did play fragile Frankie Merman in an episode of the television series Seinfeld.

[A]

So you dug a hole in that episode.

[D]

I did.

[A]

And then you wrote a Simpsons episode also about digging a hole.

[D]

I did.

[A]

So you're a big hole guy.

[D]

And it gets worse. And then I created a show called Stand Against Evil, and my character was a grave digger. And none of those things were intentional. But you step back and you look, and there's something going on.

[A]

There's something about you and getting into just digging.

[D]

Something about you.

[A]

Something about digging in dirt.

[B]

The earth.

[A]

Get him in the earth.

[D]

Can't wait to die. And yet I don't want to be buried. And yet I don't. I've told my children when I die, I want my remains scattered along Mulholland Drive.

[A]

Huh?

[D]

But I don't want to be cremated.

[A]

So.

[D]

Just bits, Chunks. Chunks.

[E]

Fingers.

[D]

I want a coyote walking down the street with a hand in its mouth. Been dead two weeks and I'm still on the neighborhood watch.

[A]

And do you care if it's north of the road or south of the road? Do you mind if it's in the

[D]

valley north of the road?

[A]

Technically, the valley facing. Technically, you'll be in the.

[D]

You'll be.

[A]

You'll have been disposed of in the valley.

[D]

I'm eight. One. Eight for life.

[A]

Okay, okay. All right, all right. It's hotter.

[D]

I love the Valley. I. I prefer the Valley. I really do.

[E]

Speak it up. All righty, who's next?

[A]

Hey, my name is Paul.

[E]

Paul, true or false? I performed the role of Judge Jeanine Pirro in 2019's Bombshell.

[D]

True.

[E]

All right, Paul.

[A]

So talk about getting into character to play Judge Janine.

[E]

It was all about the eyelashes.

[A]

That was eyelashes. And then the character comes live.

[E]

That was all it took. In a little box. Open them, and then we pulled them out. Put a little glue on the eyelids at 4 o' clock in the morning, then put them back up. And I was her. That was it. That's all it took.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Yeah, it was something else. No, I just watched a lot of YouTube and that was it.

[D]

Big.

[A]

A glass of wine at 11am get into character a little bit.

[E]

Seven. Seven glasses.

[A]

Seven glasses.

[D]

Couple boxes of wine.

[A]

Couple of boxes.

[E]

Just a couple of boxes.

[D]

Hey, did you ever talk to her? Did she ever reach out to you after?

[E]

No, she never did. I wonder why.

[A]

Wait, Dan, you were Wilford Brimley's in your episode of Seinfeld?

[D]

Yes, and I played him on the Ben Stiller show, which we filmed a block and a half up the street. So it all comes full circle. I played Wilford Brimley on the Ben Stiller show. And parodies of oatmeal commercials as funny today as they were then. And. And then. And Wilford was famously a little bananas. And then when I met him on Seinfeld, I was afraid that he might murder me. Cause my impression of him wasn't what one would call respectful in any way, but he just stuck a bare paw, went Will Brimley. And then I. Cause he was one of those, like, you read about. He was 26 when he made Cocoon. Like, he was just always old and frightening.

[A]

The ages of people in the films that I grew up watching, where they were, the old characters are now. Like, even the golden girls is the same way. The cast of Cocoon was so young.

[D]

The Traveling Wilbur were in their late twenties.

[A]

Yes, yes. When they became a super group. Oh, look at these decrepit crooners. It's like those people are teenagers.

[D]

31 years old.

[A]

Wilford Brimley.

[D]

It's fucked up. It's so true.

[A]

Do you think it's that we look better because we drink more water?

[D]

Sometimes I think it's that something clearly happened, because I am. I am far beyond where I can. I am now older than the age. I used to put in scripts for people that were old. Now I have to, like, update it. She's an old woman. 107. Like, I have to just keep moving it farther away from my age.

[E]

I don't think it's the water. I think it's the Botox. I think it's the Restylane. I think it's the Juvederm. Juvederm. I think it is. Oh, should I get that on Bedford Drive? And I think it's those fellas.

[A]

Man's a miracle worker. I put a little Juvederm in my coffee in the morning, and I find that that helps. I don't think you're supposed to drink it, but I don't think it hurts.

[E]

You look like you're seven.

[A]

Yeah, I look like I'm seven from the Juvederm. I drink in my co. You want to do one more? Alana, do one more question.

[D]

That was one of the many QAnon conspiracies. Give Mira a shot.

[E]

Same time. True or false?

[A]

That's good. That's perfect.

[E]

You guys ready?

[A]

Good idea. Thank you for hosting.

[B]

All right. You're doing great.

[E]

I'm out of control. True or false? I lent my voice to many prostitute bystanders in Grand Theft Auto 5.

[D]

I gotcha.

[E]

I gotcha. You saw me Going well, that's. That's weird.

[C]

You know, it's like.

[D]

True, true.

[E]

I won. I won.

[A]

What's that? What's. What are those days like when you're going in to record the various conversation trees as a prostitute in grand theft auto 5?

[E]

Well, I'll tell you, Johnny, I was asked at the last minute. I think I was. I think I was taking someone's place. Someone was sick. And so I walked in and for $223, I played all of the female characters in Grand Theft Auto.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Isn't that wild?

[D]

It's a good thing. Not.

[E]

You gotta run.

[D]

Not a lot of people bought it. Cause they owed more money.

[E]

I know. It's. I just. I was like, residuals, keep the money. What's money? Math. Math is boring.

[A]

Tough business. Lot to think about. Was it a whole day? A lot of it must have been a lot of things.

[E]

In and out in 30 minutes.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

In and out in 30 minutes.

[A]

30 minutes.

[E]

Well, it's just. It was just like, look out. You know, stuff like that. You better run.

[D]

Oddly, the motto of many prostitutes.

[E]

I'm onto you, man. Oh, my God. He's after me, huh?

[D]

Those used to be the. Those are the auditions that I always used to have to go on when I was. Thought I would be an actor as I was. Okay, Dan. Anytime. Jag. Don't. Thank you.

[A]

That's hard. That's hard to do just the little bits.

[D]

No, it's actually incredibly difficult. Yeah, I'd rather say a lot.

[A]

Wait, Dan, do one more. Do this one about Chip.

[D]

Oh, true or false, by the way? The audience is looking at me like the jury in a trial I'm losing. True or false. I played Chip, a wealthy member of the Wentworth family visited by Roseanne in season nine of ABC's Roseanne Trip.

[A]

You got it.

[D]

True.

[A]

You got it. Season nine. Season nine of Roseanne is that after they won the lotto, I was.

[D]

After they win the lotto and I was also in the last season of Seinfeld. I was like the grim reaper of every sitcom in the 90s. I would show up and they're like, all right, Dana's wrapped. Break down the set. Give him one.

[A]

Like when they. Like when they let me pitch on the last game of little league even though I was terrible. That's your role in these shows.

[D]

I would literally come in with a scythe and a cloak. Now I'm here to play the neighbor.

[A]

I have a theory which is that Roseanne has become Rosie o' Donnell's wario What do you think about that? What was Roseanne like at the end of that show?

[D]

Well, here's a funny she had sort of taken the reins of the show and chased John Goodman and several other actors off of the premises. And at one point, we were sitting there and it was. I was acting with Dina Merrill, who's a giant movie star. And we're just sitting there, and the director goes, you know, it would be good. And Roseanne goes, you're talking to me. And the rule was that the director was not allowed to talk to Roseanne, so he had to go through an intermediary. It was.

[A]

Sounds like a healthy environment.

[D]

The wheels. The wheels had come off. The wheels had come.

[A]

Yeah. I also just think creatively, it was a mistake for that family to win the lottery.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that was the whole thing. It's like, what are we doing?

[E]

Charming and endearing and.

[A]

Right. It's a little bit like, again, like the last season of Mad Men. They'd be like, no more ads.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Wait. No more affairs.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

We're gonna keep it clean.

[D]

What if the Beverly Hillbillies were poor? Then it would be sad. Right?

[B]

Right.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

We're not.

[A]

We're not friends anymore.

[D]

Yeah. Dumb Sherlock Holmes. No one wants to see that.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You gotta give the thing. Do the thing. The thing they came for.

[D]

Does anyone know who murdered this man? I'm stumped. I can't figure it out.

[A]

Oh, guys, I think we got the wrong guy. All right, I'll be right back.

[D]

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or leave it coming up.

[A]

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[D]

They were both on at the same time.

[A]

That's insane.

[D]

1964. Yeah. No, it was crazy.

[A]

That's crazy. Like, remember, there was Armageddon and Deep Impact at the same time. Deep Impact Was the sophisticated Armageddon about, like. No, not how they did it with the drills. We have a better way of doing it.

[D]

Big and 18 again.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Big and 18 again. Mediocre ideas at the same time and vice versa. Remember Vice Versa with Judd Reinhold? Right.

[E]

I thought you were way younger than me. You're a little spring chicken.

[D]

No, it's got that Juvederm look.

[A]

I got that Juvederm.

[E]

Did you drink that? Juvederm107.

[A]

I'm 43 years old, but I also.

[D]

He's older than Irene Ryan was at the end of Beverly Hillbillies. She was in her early 30s. She was in her early 30s on that show.

[A]

All right, we're back. This is part of the show now.

[D]

She also played Gidget during the summer,

[B]

so.

[A]

And we'll get you back to your care center as soon as we can.

[D]

By the way.

[A]

You're doing a great job as part of this effort to kind of get you out into the world.

[D]

I had jello today.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[D]

My dad's 95.

[A]

Your dad's 95?

[D]

Still going? Yeah, still going. Can't. Can't get close enough with a steak and a mallet. No, it's alarming. It is.

[A]

No, it's alarming for sure. Steak and a mallet. Trying to understand.

[D]

It's like he's a vampire.

[A]

Oh, I'm so stupid. No, I thought he was eating.

[D]

You're dumb, Sherlock.

[A]

I thought he was eating a steak.

[D]

No, he probably is right now.

[A]

Steak in a mouth. You know what? You know what it is? I don't think they. You don't need the Mallet. They never have a mallet. You brought a mallet into it. As if that's the classic way of saying it, you know? You know, what's the guy? What's not? What's the guy? Valhel.

[B]

Van Helsing.

[D]

Van Helsing.

[A]

He has no fucking mallet.

[D]

Yeah, he does.

[E]

He's got a mallet.

[A]

He has a mallet?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought you just jam it in there.

[D]

No. What do you worry it in? Slowly worry it in.

[A]

It's probably a rubber mallet.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

The vampire wagon. She's. Hard parts over. Hard parts over. We're eating it.

[E]

We're watching. John. Love it or leave it.

[A]

Oh, my God, that's so funny. Shut up. Shut up, Dracula.

[D]

I'm killing you. You're right.

[A]

There's a mallet. Of course there's a mallet.

[E]

Of course there's a mallet.

[D]

And then dumb Sherlock Holmes comes in. Maybe we could shame him to death. No.

[A]

Alana.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Hey, what was it like the first day to act with that little bear?

[E]

Oh, well, on Ted, he is not a bear set. No, he's just like two eyeballs on a metal stick.

[A]

Yeah. Because I was. I assume Seth McFarland is too rich to be hiding behind the couch during the takes.

[D]

No.

[E]

Well, he's hiding behind the bushes.

[A]

Oh, he's in there. Wow.

[E]

He's in there. They have him in this little booth and they basically. First season, they had him. You know, they had all of these wires connected to him to. To pick up all of his emoting and expressions and everything. And he read with us off camera for every single scene.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

And we were looking at two little eyeballs on a metal stick the entire time. But we had to because of cgi. And then in a matter of a year, when we did second season, he no longer needed any of those wires because technology had already advanced so you

[A]

could just film them. We don't even need the dots anymore. We don't even need those fucking dots.

[E]

Wild.

[A]

Each hit those little dots.

[D]

That's amazing.

[A]

You got to talk to this bear.

[D]

I didn't have to talk to the bear.

[A]

You didn't get to talk to the bear.

[D]

But I did write some of the bear's dialogue.

[A]

Oh, you wrote the bear? Yeah. Because you. And you also played a priest on the show.

[D]

I did. I played Alana's priest.

[E]

He put the dildo on the bear.

[B]

Huh?

[E]

He wrote the dild. He wrote that episode.

[A]

He wrote the dildo.

[E]

Dildo on the bear.

[D]

Yeah. No, it is true. I wrote the episode. I Wrote. You start. That's. You start out writing a funny pastiche of the graduates. And then. And then you. You. Then you find yourself Googling, what size is the average dildo?

[A]

Yeah, they look bigger, though. I mean, they look bigger.

[E]

You know, Seth always likes to say, you know, I. I just wanted to do a musical, you know, musical comedy. I just wanted to do, you know, musical theater. And before I know it, I'm on set, and they're just showing me different sizes of dildos. And I'm like, yeah, that'll. That'll work. That'll work on the bear.

[A]

It's the kind of thing where you don't think you're gonna have an opinion. Then you see two dildos, and suddenly you got an opinion. You're gonna have an opinion. It's like interior decorating, in a sense. You're like, I didn't know I cared about this, but now I have an opinion.

[D]

They're not anatomical at all anymore. Oh, no. They're just, like, weird lime green twisty shapes and bright orange curlicues. Sex toys now look like replacement limbs for an All Muppet veteran'.

[A]

Now, Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zayas from Planet of the Apes, and I'm gonna just say that sentence again. Dana, you've been interviewing people dressed up as Dr. Zayas from Planet of the Apes. I would like to show everyone a clip.

[D]

Like, I imagine the inventor of Pringles opening up a bag of potato chips, going, Like he feels like a bag of potato chips. The way you hear, like, Werner Herzog describing birds, like, oh, it's hideous.

[A]

It's nothing but screaming I can't handle. Dan, did you ever worry that you're too niche?

[D]

Not obscure enough?

[A]

I was so glad you were coming on the show because this started coming across my feed, and I just. As this case, these days, you'll see something and you'll. It's like, how long has this been going on? Why is this not more? Well, how is this a secret?

[E]

It's genius.

[A]

It's what? It's genius. This is so insane. I feel like either this. This must either have just begun, or the world should be talking about this. How are you getting dressed up as Dr. Zayas and having a talk show? Why isn't anyone stopping this? How did it happen?

[D]

The whole thing is something of a horrible miracle.

[A]

So how did this start?

[B]

I.

[D]

Okay, the very truncated version of the story is. I wrote a sketch for the Ben Stiller show a block and a half up the street in 1992. Dr. Zayas is doing Mark Twain tonight. I thought it'd be really funny, and we got canceled before I got a chance to do it. And 18 short years later, I did it on a John Hodgman show at Sketchfest in San Francisco because by then I met a makeup. I have a lot of friends in that business because I work in horror movies. I love horror movies.

[E]

Do you pay them every single time they.

[D]

Every God damn time. That's expensive.

[E]

So little hobby.

[D]

I did it there that got on YouTube. You can see it. Dr. Zayas is Mark Twain. It'll come up. It's very funny. And then someone said, hey, could you do this political benefit? I did something as I hosted as Dr. Zayas. And then, hey, could you go down to Atlanta and they want to interview you for the Fathom events when they show Planet of the Apes in theaters. And I did it, and it just became a weird side hustle. And then during COVID my friend Rob Cohen, who I worked with on Stiller, said, why don't we do a talk show like Space Ghost? Cause it was Covid and we were bored. And I thought, here's what's good about it. It's gonna cost a fortune to do, but it will put us at risk of being sued by Disney.

[A]

I actually did wanna ask you about the rights.

[D]

Yeah, good question, John. So, no, we have a gentleman's agreement that if I don't make too much money, they're not going to kick up a fuss. And I told them, no worries. So.

[A]

A recent study out of East China Normal University in Shanghai found that mask wearing increased what the researchers described as malevolent creativity by heightening anonymity with no effect on moral sensitivity. The study defines malevolent creativity as intentional use of novel ideas to disrupt social order or undermine cultural values.

[D]

Use.

[A]

Is that the goal?

[D]

It's not the goal, but it's a delicious side effect. But it really is. I will. I will say, like, you know, I. I'm. I can act, but I'm not an actor, but I do actually, when I'm in. When you're in that much makeup and you're in the costume, you think differently. My wife says, like, you're gone when you do that. You walk differently, you sit differently in the zone. I. And I will come up with stuff because. Because of his personality. His. His personality. He's Basically Sammy Davis Jr. He's just like. He knows everybody in the business. He loves everybody in the business. It's not between Two Ferns. It's obsequiousness. To a ridiculous degree and which is much more my personality and. But I will say things that I don't think I would think of or. I was interviewing Weird Al Yankovic and I just went like, al. And I think I speak for everyone here in the audience when I ask, what do you do? And like, I would never have said that.

[A]

But there's something. It's fine. Yeah, this. Because Jiminy Glick has that a little bit too. There's like a freeing thing.

[D]

Much more profitable than what I do.

[A]

What if over time you start to realize that you write better or think better as Dr. Z and you're like, you know what? If I'm gonna really write this script, I gotta get into the. And then more and more of your days are spent in the costume until one day. There is no Dana Coule.

[E]

That's an indie. That's 8:24.

[A]

There's only Dr. Z. I would greenlight

[E]

that in a hot minute.

[A]

That's a movie.

[D]

It would not gonna happen. But the idea of there is no Danny Gould will eventually be true.

[A]

Alana, do you ever wake up on a day when you have to act and go, ugh, acting. I hate this. What a mistake I made.

[E]

Oh, gosh, I. No, I had a lobotomy. And I just love it. I still do. It's very weird. No, I'm a dog with a ball. I have this dog, Stewie. He passed away not too long ago. And not to depress anyone, but it's a beautiful story. He loved his red ball. And even at the very end, like the day he died, he just loved the ball. And I love the ball. I'm that kind of a weirdo. I'm a freak. Yeah. Isn't that weird?

[A]

It's cool, though.

[E]

Oh, it's. It's. I mean, I'm Santa Claus. And the Santa Claus at the mall.

[A]

You do the thing you love. You do the thing you love.

[E]

Yeah, I love it.

[D]

I will say, because I was. She played the mom on the show. Ted. Scott Grimes played the father. And I was in the writers room and we would finish these scripts and we thought, they're pretty goddamn funny, John. All these people have to do is read it. It. And it's gold. And what you see on the show is so much funnier than what left the room. You know, they really are all. That cast is so great. And they're really. They're really brilliant.

[E]

It was a good time.

[D]

She's. Yeah, she's terrific.

[E]

That was a good time.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Sorkin used to say when we were working on the newsroom that his ideal director would just take his scripts and put them on a music stand and then have a white glove just turn the pages for the audience at home to just read. That was his ideal version of one of his films being directed.

[E]

He dated Pauline Poroshkova.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[E]

I remember that for like a hot minute. Do you know anything about it? Do you have his phone number? Let's call him. Let's ask what she was like horizontally.

[D]

I know, fool.

[A]

He never gave me his number. Alana, you're in Lucky, which is premiering on July 15th on Apple TV Plus. The plus is for the TV shows.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's what the plus is. Yes, it's for the shows.

[E]

Yes. Anya is phenomenal in it. She's a con artist and she cons myself and I. Yeah. And I get to pull a gun out on her. And there's this wonderful rattlesnake in my episode named Mr. Whiskers, I think his name is. And he's been in the business for a long time. He was born without a rattle, apparently. Yes. And so they have his little rattle costume. Costume hung up for him in his trailer. And then they put it on. No, no joke. And I was in a scene with him and I think it was the same rattle from euphoria. Mr. Whiskers.

[A]

Check out Dr. Z on YouTube on hangingwithdrz.com and you can catch Alana in Lucky premiering on July 15th on Apple TV. The plus stands for TV shows and oh, Dana, Zoo's special perfectly normal on 800 pound gorillas YouTube channel as well.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

We will be right back.

[D]

Hey, don't go anywhere. There's more of Love it or Leave it coming up.

[A]

Love it or Leave it is brought to you by Willie's Remedy. I love Willie's Remedy. It's my favorite. It's a great thing to do at the end of the day, you know. Yesterday I did two episodes of Love or Leave it right back to back. And I got home, I was a little wired from the show. I was like, you know what? I'm having Little Willy's, you know, and it was great. Relaxing, the best. Huge fan. It's a THC infused social tonic crafted by the legendary Willie Nelson. It's low calorie, low sugar alcohol alternative that actually works, delivering a fast acting, euphoric social buzz without the regrets that come with alcohol. Will these social tonics come in 5mg and 10mg doses with a Best in class. Flavor experience so smooth and balanced you'll barely realize you're drinking a THC product at all. You can enjoy the tonics as a shot sipped over ice or mix into your favorite. Mocktail Willie's. Not that feared edible you ate too much of in college. Each bottle of Willy's is third party lab tested for accurate dosage. So you can trust and customize your experience with Lily's unique blend of thc, cbd, CBG and L theanine deliver a feeling of calm, clarity, euphoria and relaxation. One shot of Willy's helps you relax, unwind and de stress. Perfect for taking the edge off at the end of a long day. Willy's ships directly to your door in 40 states and is sold out three times in the first six months with over 300,000 plus happy customers. So order [e-mail] and use code lowly for 20% off your first order. Free shipping on orders over 95 and live like a legend. That's code L o l I@drink willys.com. And we're back. Pop culture boy we love it but sometimes is it can. You know what? It's real people cyber game we're calling the people have spoken. Here's how it works. Alana and Dana, I'm going to read you an insane headline. You will tell us, is this a real honest to God people headline that a human being wrote a up or a fake one that our human beings wrote up?

[E]

All righty.

[A]

Are you ready?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

First up, singer G Flip gets thigh tattooed with meaningful ink by off campus cast in sweet behind the scenes video.

[E]

Yes, it's true.

[A]

You got it. Did you know any of that?

[E]

It was just too specific, you know.

[D]

Didn't sound like my G Flip.

[E]

G Flip. G Flip.

[D]

G G Flip. How do you say hello to flip wheels person? Come on Carnac.

[A]

Now.

[D]

Man, are you doing. I'm up here for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know he's doing Karnak. You claws. I'm insulting them for you.

[D]

The cotton tops. No.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Astronaut opens up about what it's like to be on Ozempic in space. Exclusive.

[E]

False.

[A]

Got it. That's fake.

[B]

We made it up.

[A]

We made it.

[E]

Yeah. The astronauts. They don't interview astronauts.

[D]

I'm gonna. I'm just gonna say this with no experience, but I'm gonna guess that zero G is not where you want diarrhea.

[A]

Next headline. Sara Bareilles told Anderson Cooper she wouldn't give him writing credits after he inspired a song quote. You have enough money.

[E]

True.

[D]

I hope it's true.

[A]

Yeah, it is. She said that.

[E]

Really?

[B]

No.

[A]

Credits from Sara Bareilla was snow haired

[D]

news maven

[A]

with his T shirts.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

John Cena debuts bald look in preparation for second hand transplant. I went all in.

[B]

That is.

[D]

That is true. I saw that.

[A]

Oh it was true. There he is.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And there's a sweetness to him. He looks, you know, he looks nice like that. He looks nice like that.

[D]

He looks good.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

I have a theory about bald man.

[B]

Man.

[E]

Let me tell you something.

[D]

Here it comes.

[E]

A lot of testosterone going on when you lose your hair. You know what I'm saying ladies.

[C]

Right.

[E]

They fell asleep again. Come on guys. Anyway.

[D]

Well you can do that. You got. Because you got. Well you have to have the head for it. You have to.

[E]

You have to have the head.

[D]

Patrick Stewart the Ed Harris.

[A]

Yeah, they have that. Yeah, there's something good ridge lines.

[D]

I like me.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

I would just. I would look. It would be bad. It would be bad. Yeah. I just think there's no way around it. Some people I just. It wouldn't work. It wouldn't work.

[D]

I look one of those marshmallow. Remember those foam marshmallow peanuts.

[E]

Uh huh.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what I got going on. Yeah. Sort of odd. Yeah, but not facing the way you Rowan Hued thatch. Yeah. Not every day but more than you think. Mary Steenburgen on her marriage to dead Danson new pictures.

[D]

True.

[E]

Very boring.

[D]

I would say it's true. I was gonna say it was true but it's not about what you think.

[A]

Yeah, right. It's just about. It's about baking.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Did she really say that? JoJo Siwa clarifies comments on Israel.

[B]

Woo.

[E]

True.

[D]

True.

[E]

Baby.

[A]

No, no, we made it up. Oh, let's do two more Dua Lipa's terrifying health scare. A psychic told me I had Lyme disease.

[D]

I hope that's true. Please.

[A]

We made it up. Riley Greene admits he thought his ex girlfriends would text him when he won people's sexiest country star. They didn't.

[E]

True.

[A]

Yeah, it was real.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I like that one. Oh that's sad for him.

[D]

That see and by the way that's. That's the problem. Like Riley his the sexiest country star.

[E]

He is Ned Flanders.

[C]

Woo.

[A]

You could try to mock that. That's a hot guy.

[D]

No, that guy. That is a beautiful Chad shower's new album. Okley Dokely

[E]

he can Oakley my dokely all night long.

[D]

The Oakley Dokely recipe.

[E]

Well you're Jealous. The boys are jealous.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Now, I don't understand the mustache. I do the raw. Just the single stache.

[E]

I do.

[D]

No, I know a lot of people do it. I don't get it.

[A]

But I just have ever. I. I've never been able.

[E]

I get it all night long.

[D]

Well, it is a porn. It's a. You look like a porn star.

[A]

You know, I mean, he does look cool.

[D]

Or a fire.

[A]

Certain people can pull it off. Certain people can really pull it off. And I think he's pulling it off.

[E]

Beautiful.

[A]

I don't think I would pull it off. I think I would look like a baby.

[E]

It's a fake mustache. Look at that.

[A]

Like a sick baby in disguise.

[D]

Like a. Like a.

[A]

Like a baby.

[D]

Like a medicine toddler trying to sneak into an R rated movie.

[C]

Well,

[D]

now that the markets have closed, I guess I'll go see Transformers.

[E]

Yeah, he's gorgeous.

[D]

I don't get it.

[A]

You've won the game.

[D]

All right, now you've won the game. He spat

[A]

with Jaggers in my eyes. We're having fun, right? Yes, yes. I've had a great time tonight.

[E]

Show me more naked guys on your. On your TV screen over there.

[A]

But the question is, did everyone else? Because it's time for a segment we call Second Thoughts. Here's how it works. I have a comprehensive list of all the things that the producers of this show wish I had done differently. And I'm gonna run through them with you because we're gonna kind of learn and grow. And if you have any second thoughts about tonight, this is your opportunity.

[E]

Let's do it, baby.

[A]

First up, I shouldn't give the Pentagon ideas about destroying the city of Brussels. Also, I should have said Bruges. Bruges. Bruges is the city. Bruges in Bruges.

[E]

Bruges.

[A]

Bruges. Just Bruges. Maybe that's a funnier word. I tried my main accent.

[D]

Do you do a main accent?

[A]

Well, we did it because we had the joke for it. Unlike you, we wrote the joke and then saw if I could do it right.

[D]

Well, no, I'm from Massachusetts and I can't do a Maine accent.

[A]

Well, I think it's.

[D]

You sort of.

[A]

You kind of. It's a. To me, it's Mackie. You sort of like, what if Katharine Hepburn didn't shake as much? You know? And you kind of. You know what I mean? You do Katharine Hepburn, but you don't. You just kind of. You leave it. You leave it up here.

[D]

You don't.

[A]

You don't let it vibrate. You don't let it shake. You just kind of do like this. It's because once it starts shaking, then you're in the Katharine Hepburn thing.

[D]

You know the old joke about Katharine Hepburn going into the adult novelty store and she goes, do you have those little eggs that people put inside their vaginas that vibrate? And they go, yes, we do. How do you turn them off? Yeah, it's a great show.

[A]

That's a great joke. And that's a great. And that's a great joke.

[D]

That's a great joke. Katharine Hepburn.

[A]

Katharine Hepburn.

[B]

A legend.

[D]

Another timely reference.

[A]

It probably wasn't. It was a mistake for me to say to the audience that was about Jews. I called Dana a big hole guy. I shouldn't have said how old I am. Let's see. I argued about the logistics of killing a vampire and was wrong.

[D]

I'm not having this argument again.

[A]

I brought up a study from East China Normal University. I failed to explain any context of the dildo on Tet. Didn't even ask a question or a follow up.

[D]

Always better in theory than practice.

[E]

100%.

[D]

100% better to be talked about than seen.

[A]

I thought you meant dildos are better in theory than practice.

[D]

I did. Oh, I did mean that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

It's fantastic. You have to watch that episode. Which episode? It's the first one, isn't it?

[C]

Or the third?

[D]

I believe it is. This. I don't know, second. Yeah, it's. It's a funny one.

[E]

No. Type in dildo teddy bear.

[A]

Yeah, don't type in dildo teddy bear. Hey, do yourselves a favor.

[B]

Don't do.

[A]

Try something else.

[E]

Dildo teddy bear.

[D]

You're gonna get an AI Elvis film you just don't want to watch.

[A]

You type dildo teddy bear into your search bar. Then it's just. There's a knock on the door.

[D]

Yeah, but here's the thing. It's sad that if you type dildo teddy bear into your search bar, something's gonna come up, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

I often wonder if, like. Well, I. During COVID I watched all of the porn. All the porn.

[C]

All of it.

[D]

I got. I finally clicked on the last link, and it was just a skeleton in a miner's hat. That's it. You're all done holding up a lantern in a mine. There's nothing left.

[A]

Well, how much of that time were you gay, you think?

[D]

A good 30, 33%. It's always 35%. It's always 35% Kinsey scale. But I just could not keep myself dedicated to the necessary physical fitness.

[E]

What is your favorite point? Porn.

[D]

It's been years. That's a weird thing.

[E]

In all honesty, like, behind the Green Door. No, in all honesty, Naughty Marietta. All.

[D]

Yeah, but all of. Like, the. When I watched porn.

[E]

Sex Boat.

[D]

All those women are now like old, nice old ladies now. You know, it's like they're all.

[E]

But they still have spirit.

[A]

Yeah, possibly. This is where I'm going to end the show.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

I just. That is where we're at. And we could just. As.

[D]

Was it. You know who was. The first porn I saw was Lucy. You know, the one they found in Africa?

[A]

Yeah, you mean like Australopithecus? Yeah, that was the first one.

[D]

It was Clan of the Sex Cave Bear, and it was a spinoff.

[A]

Oh, spinoff.

[E]

A spin off. All right.

[A]

And that's our show. Thank you so much, Jerlana Eubock and Dana gould. There are 117 days until the midterm elections, and we will be back in your feeds on Friday. Have a great night.

[D]

You don't. You don't have to air, everyone.

[A]

Love it or Leave it is a Cricket Media production. Our show is produced by Kendra James, Bill McGrath, Kelsey Gante, and me, John Lovett. Our production team includes Hallie Kiefer, Sarah Lazarus, Raman Borsalino, Peter Miller, David Toles, Claudia Shang, Jay Banks, Gavin Purcell, and Matt De Gro. And our staff is proudly unionized with the Writers Guild of America.