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I see you.
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Fire and Ash is now streaming on Disney. It's the film critics are calling the best avatar yet. A true epic and completely jaw dropping.
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This is the only pure thing in this world.
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Return to Pandora on Disney.
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It will be an adventure for the whole fam.
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And watch the Oscar winning phenomenon at home.
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This is sick.
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Fire and Ash now streaming on Disney. Rated PG 13.
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So good, so good, so good.
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Hello, my lovelies. Welcome back to another episode of Loki. Chaotic. I wanted to tell a little story today about how I met a hot fucking guy in la and I wanted him to be interested in me and he wasn't. And it kind of made me feel some type of way. And it funnily enough, turns out that this man, it kind of has a fan base and everything, which is so funny. It's so funny how, like, because when you live in Berlin and London or Paris or whatever, you constantly meet creatives all the time, but 99% of the time those creatives have daytime jobs. That's just the norm over here. But in la, I met so many creatives where that's like just their main thing, like that's what they make their money with. And I think that's so inspiring and so cool. But of course it also makes sense. I mean, LA is the place people move to to make their creative dreams come true. And it's a massive place. So many more people move there versus like something like London and Berlin. And so of course the success rate is also higher. So the math is mathing. I was just confronted with that so much when I was there. Like, I found myself asking people so times, yeah, but like, what do you guys work as? And they looked at me like I was dumb. They were like, what? I told you five minutes ago, I'm an actor. And I'm just like, oh, like, that's lit, bro. And really, just really sick. Really sick. Anyways, what was I saying? So I met an actor in la. We were at a barbecue and it was just a friend of a friend, you know, inviting me to come because she knew I was visiting. And I always love when people just kind of take me under their wing because I've been to la only a couple of times. And my goal was to kind of meet people and set a foundation there and kind of get to a place where now the next time I go to la, I'll know who to call and where to go. And it was just about kind of, you know, being more integrated with the normal life in la. And that's kind of what I did this trip. And it worked, which I'm so happy about. And this was one of those days that I was really grateful for because I love when someone I know just takes me under their wing and takes me with them and lets me be part of their world for a day. And so we go to this barbecue in the Valley and it's someone's birthday, so it's her kind of friend's birthday, and we get there and it's just a bunch of his friends there and everybody. I mean, we were late. We were supposed to be there in the afternoon. I think we showed up like in the early evening. And so by that time, I think people were kind of tired. They'd been barbecuing all day, definitely were smoking weed all day. You know, people were kind of like, kind of slumped. And so we get there and it's one of those situations where we're the ones nobody knows. So we're trying to integrate ourselves and like, get to know people, have conversations. But obviously when half of the crowd is high and tired, it's a bit of a challenge. But everybody was still really polite and kind and we kind of just, you know, we were just there present and having conversations and trying to get to know everybody that was there. And I remember, like, at one point people started leaving because it was already kind of late. So the group started getting smaller and smaller. And the plan was for us to go to a jazz concert. So me, my friend, her friend, his best friend, who was the actor, and then the best friend's girlfriend. So the actor that I'm. His name is Evan Adams. Okay? He. I didn't know who he was at the point of meeting him, but when people were telling me that he acts, I was like, wait a minute, I swear I have fudgeing seen him in something before. And then the flip kind of switched. I was like, oh my God, do you act in those shorts? For those of you that, that don't know what shorts are, it's these like short vertical miniseries that are very like wattpad fantasy coded. So you watch them and you feel like you're watching a storyline. 14 year old you kind of wrote as an imagine On Twitter. Remember when we were like kids? Because I was always on Twitter writing like imagines like One Direction imagines, that type of shit. You know what I mean? Like, not necessarily fan fiction, but just that whole fantasy of like you like the coolest boy in school and for some reason he starts paying attention to you and he's really protective over you and he saves you from all the bullies. Like, that's kind of the vibe of every sort of like storyline of these short verticals. Okay. And they're very guilty pleasure coded by the way, because the way they're produced is just really cheesy and really bad. Like the script writing and then they add all of these weird sound effects and this weird music in the background so it's edited and like prod a way that's like not objectively good, but it still just hooks you. I don't know if it hooks you because you're. It just touches those parts of like your inner child. It touches those parts of you, like that 14 year old girl inside of you. And that's why you're like so hooked on it, because you just feel like a little girl watching these or. I don't know what it is. I honestly don't know what it is. If you guys have watched them before, tell me why you think these are kind of addicting. And if you've never watched them before, go watch them and tell me right now. It's called. Most of them are like on apps called Drama Box. So on Drama Box, type in Evan Adams. Then you'll immediately see the actor that I met and who I'm talking about. And he has a bunch of short series on Drama Box. So anyways, I end up remembering or noticing that I've seen him in one of those like short reels before. And I asked him if he's been in them and he's like, yeah, I've been actually in a lot of them. And I'm like, no way. That's so crazy. And it's crazy to me that I recognize him in the first place because yes, I've watched those shorts in my life, but I have never, like, I was never super invested to a point where it would have made sense for me to recognize somebody from them. But I guess he just must have made an impression on me. I mean, he's also very attractive and has kind of like a. Like a memorable face. So I guess it makes sense. But it was just weird, like the way the. Your intuition and gut feeling sometimes works. Like the second he said he's an actor. I was like, shorts. Like, that's so crazy. But anyways, so we. We end up going to this jazz concert in. In Hollywood, in West Hollywood. And so cool, by the way, I need to go to more jazz shows. Like, the way that they just flow, could just go on forever is just so impressive. And it was so hypnotic hypnotizing. It was really sick. So we watched this jazz show, and then at one point, my friend and I, we go upstairs to the roof to sit by the pool to eat our food. And then they join us. And Evan sits in front of me. Like, we're on these sofas by the pool. And he sits on the edge of the sofa in front of me. And I notice that he's in pain. And I offer him to sit where I'm sitting, because I was sitting, you know, on the part of the sofa that has, like, the back support. And if I can tell that, you know, you're in pain, you're in back pain, obviously you should sit where I'm sitting, because what the fuck? I can't just let you sit there and be in pain. Right? And, I mean, I do that a lot because I understand what it feels like that you don't want to be a burden. Like, you know when you're cold, but you don't want to tell anyone that you're cold because you don't want to make everybody go back to the house and get a jacket. And we all do that. And that's why I always try to kind of extend a hand or offer my support, because I don't want anyone to ever feel like they're being a burden just because they need something. And so we swap seats. He, like, accepts my offer, I think, after. I think I offered the first time, he declined. The second time, he accepted it, and he sits down and obviously feels better. And then I offer him the second half of my chicken sandwich. Which, thinking back to it, that was definitely coming from a place of, like. I was doing that from a place of, like, a girl in school that has a crush on a boy and wants to be generous in order to connect with him. You know what I mean? Which is so funny now when I think back at it, because I could have also offered the fucking sandwich to the whole group. But I offered it to him specifically, I guess, because I thought he was cute. But, I mean, who wouldn't? He's so hot, it's crazy. It should be illegal to be this hot. So anyways, we sit there, he eats the chicken sandwich, and then we, you know, me and him start talking about acting. I'm really impressed by the skill set or profession of acting that it's easy for me to talk about it because I'm just very curious about it. I'm very fascinated, fascinated by actors. And I think one of the only ways that you sometimes can connect with actors is if you talk about acting. Because a lot of them do not enjoy talking about anything else other than themselves and their profession. And there's definitely, you know, truth to the cliche. Like actors are very self absorbed. Some of them have a God complex. A lot of them really believe they're doing like God's work. And it's honestly kind of fascinating to me. I. And that's why I think, I think it definitely also comes from a place of like, when, when I meet people where you are confronted with the fact that they're not super interested in you or what you do or who you are as a person, you then start like fighting for the validation even more. And so I think with actors, it always brings that side out in me because I know all they want to talk about is themselves and their art and their lives as actors. And so I start putting in like double time just to hopefully get to a place where they ask me like one question, which you could, some may say is, I guess is the word desperate. Like I'm desperate for their attention, their validation, their confirmation that I matter. I mean, I guess we kind of do this as human beings. We want other people to confirm that the image that we have of ourselves is legitimate. And then you're in this conversation and you're asking these questions, but nobody is asking me a question. Like he wasn't asking, asking me questions back. And by the way, if there's Evan Adams fans listening, I'm not saying he was rude. He was not rude at all. He was so kind and, and sweet and calm and very passionate about what he does. But did he somewhat fulfill this cliche of like actors only want to talk about themselves? Absolutely. Do we know the reason behind that? No. I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? Maybe he was tired and he didn't really feel like having a ping pong conversation about other people. I couldn't. I was able to tell that he really enjoyed the conversation. Like, I think, I think a lot of actors appreciate when other people are able to have an in depth conversation about acting and not just always this surface level shit. So I could tell that he really appreciated the type of questions that I was asking and I could, that he was engaged and he enjoyed talking about his craft and his experiences as an actor. But it doesn't change the fact that there was a part of me that felt, like, disappointed that he wasn't curious to find out who I was. And that happens a lot with actors. Like, whenever I meet actors, I find myself turning into that girl that I was when I was, like, 12 years old in school. And, you know, all I wanted was for this group of people to think that I'm cool and for me to become a part of their group and to let me belong. And that's such a normal thing to experience when you're in school. But it's so interesting that when you're an adult, when that feeling comes out again, it's so crazy how you just snap back into feeling like you're that little girl at school when you're just, like, actually not. You're an adult, and. And you don't have to fight, you know, to prove your worth, because that's what you then kind of snap into, right? I'm in this conversation, asking him a bunch of questions, kind of disappointed that he keeps not being as interested in me as I'm interested in him. And so then out of pure desperation for his validation, I start, like, throwing evidence into my sentences that prove that I am worthy of his interest. So I start throwing in there that I went to acting school for a year and that if it was never for acting school, I would have never started my podcast, blah, blah, blah, which are all legit facts about my journey. But he didn't ask for those. And I was obviously just throwing that in there because I sort of badly wanted him to see me and wanted him to be curious about me. And he did kind of, like, take the hint. Like, we did speak a little bit about my experience at acting school, and we did speak a little bit about my podcast. Like, I think I remember him asking what it was called, but it was obviously, I could tell it was just out of pure politeness, not because he actually gave a fuck. And. And I think all of the things, you know, that I was doing with the chicken sandwich and observing that he's in back pain and asking him questions and mentioning my podcast and the acting school story, I think those are all different versions of me saying or signaling like, let me contribute something, because contribution is so often how people earn belonging. You know what I mean? I wanted to belong. I wanted to be part of this fucking friend group. And keep in mind, this was all prior to me Finding out who he was. You know, I didn't know that he had a fan base. I didn't know that he really had, like, an established career. I somewhat knew that, you know, this is their main job. Like, they make money because of his acting, and that's him and his friend group and his team. But that's all I knew. And I already thought that that was so cool and so interesting and that I wanted to belong. And then when you get confronted with the fact that these people are just so in their world and in their orbit and they obviously did not care to, like, let some sort of an outsider into the dynamic, that's when you start sitting there and you're just kind of like questioning whether you're insane for believing that you're worth people's time. You know what I mean? It's the whole self verification thing that I was just pointing at a little bit because it's like we always want confirmation of who we already think we are. And I think that I'm creative and interesting and thoughtful and ambitious. So when someone, in this case Evan, seems uninterested, it just creates friction within me. Not because I believe that everybody needs to love me, but because I'm suddenly confronted with information that doesn't match my self image. You know what I mean? Because in those moments, my brain then jumps to like, wait a minute, like, I thought I was interesting. Why is this person not interested? And I think I was trying to create connection with him through generosity and through curiosity and through competence. And when that wasn't reciprocated, I just started wondering whether my value has been misjudged. And you know, what's interesting is what I've realized is that when I like someone, I don't immediately ask whether I like them. I immediately start trying to show them why they should like me. And I wonder what would happen if I stopped trying to prove my value and started evaluating the other person's value. I mean, I think this is advice. I also see across social media a ton because, like, especially when it comes to dating, because a lot of women, or I mean, people in general, go into dates and they're nervous because they think they need to perform and show themselves from their best side and they need to prove to the person that they're worth their time. When in reality, you should go into these dates and evaluate first and foremost, if you like this person, don't make them like you. Just try to figure out whether you like them first. And that's so hard to do so. So hard to do. And you know what's also interesting with the whole like chicken sandwich thing and noticing that he's in pain and all the things. This is, I feel like something we as women were socialized to be super good in because we were socialized to be indispensable in a sense where we always approach these situations with what can I do for this person? Can I help them? And can I listen? Can I support? Can I anticipate their needs? And we do this not just when we have crushes on people, but when we're wanting to belong to a group, wanting to be accepted, wanting to be part of something, wanting to be needed, platonically, romantically, social hierarchy wise. And we just learned very young that usefulness is safer than simply existing. And I feel like that situation that I was in with Evan kind of put that a little bit into the forefront for me because I have had many situations in my life where I was doing that all the time. I mean, we do this stuff all the time. And obviously these kind of sides come out when you're meeting strangers, because that's primarily when you're put into those situations where you're kind of fighting to get a place in the group or whatever. But here we have like the added factors that it was with people that I deemed interesting and cool and we're in LA and they have careers and you know what I mean? Like, it was just kind of. Cause a lot of the time I don't have that in Berlin anymore because I meet so many people here where I'm like, okay, whatever, you're just another drug addicted person that I don't really care what you think of me. I don't care if you accept me or like, like me or I don't seek your validation. I think these sides come out when you're with people that you kind of deem above you in a way. You know what I mean? Because do we ever really want validation from people that we see on our same level? I mean, obviously we do. I want validation from my family, my friends, all the time. All the time. But I think that specific side where you're like desperately trying to belong, I feel like that comes out when you see or are putting certain people on a pedestal or like when it's people that you have some form of like, respect for, which is really interesting. Really, really interesting. And I think in human communication and human connection, we're constantly bidding for connection. We offer things all the time. We offer our help or like food or our attention or a joke or advice. And I think we're often doing it for two reasons at the same time. We genuinely want to give, but we also hope that it creates closeness. And I think through me offering, you know, my support with the back pain and the chicken sandwich and having a conversation with him about his world as an actor, et cetera, that's me trying to become valuable. It was me being like, let me show you why I'm worth noticing. And when you're kind of like bidding for connection like I was doing in that moment, what hurts about it is not that the bids failed, it's that they weren't returned. Right. Because constantly with every question I was asking him, I was hoping that he would ask one back, which really makes me giggle a little bit. It's kind of cute. It's kind of cute. It's kind of cute. So anyway, we were, you know, talking and I was feeling like a 14 year old girl in school, which by the way, I was confronted with the same emotion like just a week later because I went, spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner, those sandals that can keep up with you and hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling, Ross.
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Because I went to my high school reunion and then at my high school reunion I am with these two boys that I've known since I was like 7 years old. And we're standing there together and I'm trying to contribute something to the conversation but they're not listening to me and they only really care about what they have to say to each other. And so I notice myself having like three attempts at saying what I want to say, but nobody's noticing. And in that moment I was really like, oh my God, this is such a flashback right now. What a flashback feeling of like fighting for attention and validation and wanting to be seen and wanting a signal that I matter, you know. And anyways, to take it back to the LA story, so we were having this hour long conversation about acting and I felt like I was a 14 year old girl in school and it was, I mean, 14 is a bit old. Maybe 12, I don't know, whatever. And it was all fine. But I just remember leaving this hangout thinking there was a part of me, like, now at this age, I'm fine with just accepting it for what it is. You know, if this was like, a couple years ago, I would have fought even harder. I would have tried way more ways to feel like I belong or like they accept me. Because, you know, back in the day, I would have probably tried to, like, you know, get the Instagram connect on Instagram, try to talk to him even more. Because after we were at the pool, we go back to the jazz show. And then after the. And then after the jazz show, we hang out for a little bit more next to the pool, and then we go home. And if this was me a few years ago, I would have, like, tried to make more attempts to go back into the conversation about acting, to try to get, you know, connect on Instagram, et cetera, but because I could read the signs of, like, they didn't care that much to get to know who I was as a person. To me, that's all the information I need. You know what I mean? I'm not about to fight for something that is not worth fighting for, because I deserve to be surrounded by people that are just as interested in who I am as a person. And so I just let it be. You know, I just. It was a nice experience. It was fun getting to know them. It was awesome jazz concert, but I didn't leave on a note where I was, like, fighting even harder to be, you know, feel like I belong. And then after we hung out, I naturally researched him because, you know, who wouldn't? And that's when I kind of come across the fact that he has a fan base and there's tons of people that are fans of these short, real drama box series thingies. And I make a story time about it on TikTok and then get kind of like, you know, a bunch of fans asking me questions about him, how is he, who is he, who was he with, et cetera. Tons of people asking me about his girlfriend, fiance, et cetera, et cetera. Which, by the way, I do not feel comfortable answering those questions because as much as I understand what it's like to be a fan of someone and something, I think fan culture can be quite toxic. I think it's beautiful to have the ability to appreciate art and what people contribute to art, but the second you cross those boundaries of, like, obsessing about people's personal lives, it's just a little bit. I think there's ways to be interested in what someone is like and what they're doing and who they are outside of their art, that's normal and I get it. But to get all of these questions about, like, oh, was he with his fiance? Are they not together anymore? It's just all this sort of stuff where I'm like, I'm not gonna contribute to that. Like, I'm not gonna answer those questions. I think it's also because I'm not some. I'm not a gossiper. I'm not a gossiping TikTok channel. My podcast isn't about gossiping. And I also just, just don't feel comfortable sharing that information because I don't know how much they share about this stuff online, you know what I mean? And if you guys need to ask in the first place, that means they probably don't share that much about it online because if you guys are this invested in who he is and what he does, then you probably would know if he was comfortable sharing it. You know what I mean? And I think a lot of this fan culture has like, ruined the mental health of so many celebrities. And I know people always say, boo hoo, who the fuck cares? You know, they're living a dream life. They have millions of people that admire them, they make money with their passion, they're famous and successful and whatever. Who cares about their mental health? But that's where I'm also like, okay, I get that perspective. But I'm also like, come on, they're still human beings. And I know that there's good and bad things that come with everything. And this is just the bad thing that comes with choosing a career in the public eye. But that doesn't mean I need to be harsh and contribute to the toxicity of it. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure we can actually create a world where the entertainment industry is more protective of the people that are kind of, you know, the clowns in the circus or the monkeys in the circus or whatever. I don't even know what fucking metaphor I'm trying to come up with here. Or analogy, whatever that was. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I thought all of the feelings this hangout evoked in me were pretty interesting. I know that a lot of people can relate to this feeling, so I wanted to make an episode about it. I know that there's probably some Evan Adams fans here listening to this episode, and I just want to say, you know, to give you guys. Because I understand wanting to feel connected to somebody that you're a fan Of. And I think the only thing I can provide for you guys is confirming that he's just as hot in real life as he is on screen, if not even hotter. And I think he's lucky that he's not super tall, because I think that would be. That should be illegal. I don't think anybody should be allowed to be that hot and then also tall. That would be crazy. And that he was very kind and had a very calm, strong energy and is very passionate about what he does as an actor. And funnily enough, when I went to that physiognomy class a few weeks ago, which was one of the episodes that I recorded, I think it's the episode where I said, I want to feel seen. It was called I want to feel seen. And in that class, what they figured out about me was that I'm somebody who yearns for a man that makes me feel like they can protect me. And they're strong, but also have a sensitive and creative side to them. And it's so funny how this physiognomy teacher hit the nail on the head with that one, because she was like, I know you want a man that understands what sensitivity is, because you're incredibly sensitive, but being with men that are just sensitive kind of drives you nuts. And I was like, how the fuck did you know that? Because that's exactly why my second relationship didn't work out, because he was just sensitive and it drove me insane. And that's why the guy from last winter was like the. I don't want to say the perfect archetype, but, like, the archetype she was describing. And it made so much sense because he was like, everything textbook. That my future partner will be, like, physically strong makes me feel safe and protected, but also is in touch with his emotions and his creative side. So it was like this perfect balance. And that's exactly what I mean. Need. This physiognomy teacher actually described it as like the, you know, cowboy with a ranch in Texas. That's, like, out on the ranch all day taking care of, like, the horses and shit and building all the shit, but then comes home in the evening and, like, writes poems. And I was like, bitch, period. Because, yes, that is my husband right there. Oh, my God. Anyways. Anyways. Anyways. And the reason why I had to think about this is because people like Evan carry the same energy. You know, they make. They're strong, they make you feel protected, they're calm, but they also have that creative side, you know, and that's why I had to think of that just now. And also, can I just add, I think I forgot to mention this earlier, but when I talk about actors and how self absorbed they are, I make those claims because I've spoken to a million and one actors in my life. I've met so many actors in my Life, and literally 95% of them, if not 99% of them, really do not give a fuck about you or what you do. And all they want to do is talk about themselves all day, all day and all night. And they literally get bored when a conversation isn't about them. And as much as I want to give people the benefit of the doubt, I don't think this is a big coincidence. You know what I'm saying? And I have no problem with people that are self absorbed. I'm self absorbed as fuck. I'm super self absorbed. But I'm just as interested in other people. So for me, it's very 50, 50. And then when I meet people that don't have the same kind of. I don't know if we would call it a love language, but the way that I connect and bond with people is through questions. I love conversing. I love asking questions. That's my form of, like, connection. And that's probably what I felt like was also missing between the guy from last winter and I because we didn't have that conversational spark that I would usually have with people that I'm dating or falling in love with or whatever. Because usually most of the people that I've dated in my life, it always starts with us not being able to stop talking. You know, you just, like, go on a date and suddenly it's 10 hours later, and you were just speaking the whole time, and you didn't even realize how much time was going past. Me and this guy from last winter did not have that. We did not have that. And that's something that I was, like, so unsure about. Like, if we would have actually dated or gone into a relationship, I probably. That's something I would have had to evaluate and see. And I would have had to see if that, like, improves or not. Because that is a form of, like, bonding and connecting for me. And it is kind of my love language. And I think I was just in a position where I hadn't dated in so long and I was single for so long after my abusive ex, et cetera, et cetera, that I was just so excited that there's a hot guy that's into me that I'm attracted to, that I trust and feel safe with that. I was just kind of, like, being patient with it, and I was cutting him some slack and I was like, who cares if it's not perfect from the get go? Like, let's just, like, have this one be a slow burner. You know what I'm saying? And that's why I was willing to. To stick it out. But I guess, you know, he wasn't willing to stick it out anyways. I don't know how I just thought of this. Oh, I think the whole. Yeah, the whole actor thing and them not being able to have a conversation unless it's about them and I. And so when I meet people that aren't the same as me and that don't want to connect with me through conversation, I, you know, take it personal. And I sit there and I'm like, I think this is also why my podcast gave me so much, or at least I thought it did, because I always knew. I always knew that I was special, and I always knew that I was meant for a big life. And. But you cannot expect the rest of the world to know that if you have nothing to show for it. You can feel all of these things and you can know all of these things about yourself, but you cannot expect the world to know those same things if you have nothing to show for it. And that's why, when I started my podcast, I finally was doing something that was proving to the external world that I am worth their time, that I am worth it, that I am interesting and worthy of people's validation and respect. And I do those things, and I finally feel like, okay, finally I'm finding, like, my place in the world. And then when you have finally found your place in the world and you finally feel like you are worthy of people's validation and respect, etc. But then you still get confronted with the fact that this also isn't automatically a cheat code to people's respect and validation. Then you sit there and you're like, damn, okay. And that's when you kind of come back to the conversation of why do I want people's external validation and respect in the first place? Why do I care so much what other people think of me? Why do I want people to see me so badly if they suck? You know, the amount of people that are just bad people and that suck and they're selfish and they're stupid and they're just horrible people. The amount of people that are like that, whose validation I, like, die for is crazy to me. I mean, there's People that I grew up with in Berlin that are considered celebrities by now, who have done so many horrible things and who are so selfish. And in my opinion that's why they are successful, because they don't have empathy, they don't give a rat's ass about you or your feelings or your safety. They're just selfish and they just go for shit and that's why they've made it in life, you know what I'm saying? And those people I've known for a long ass time and they have done some horrible things to me. But to this day when I'm with them, I'm sitting there and I'm literally craving their respect and their validation so badly. And so I have this need to be validated and to feel like I need to earn my place on this earth. And I don't know where it comes from or why it exists. I don't know why it's not just enough that I am who I am. Why is it not just enough that I'm alive? Because I, I don't go through the world looking at people through this lens that I think other people are looking at me at from, or do I? Is it because I see myself as like I want to be part of a world that is incredibly hierarchy based? Is that where that comes from? Because when I go out into the world and I see, you know, just your normal, regular, everyday people, I don't look at them and think, oh my God, they need to earn their place in this world and they need to do this and that to earn my respect and validation. Not at all. I go out into the world and I have respect for everyone around me because we're all human beings here on planet Earth. And as long as you aren't, you know, a serial killer and malicious and murder women or are abusive or what, you know what I'm saying? All the things under the sun, if you're just a normal regular human being, you have my respect because that's what we owe each other. I always say this, I hate it when people say we don't owe each other anything. We owe each other decency and respect because we're both human beings on this planet Earth, period. And I don't go through the world, you know, looking at people in a way where it's like, oh my God, they need to earn their place and what they're doing isn't enough. So why do I view myself in that way? Why do I feel like I'm not worthy? Why do I feel like I'm not worthy. Why do I feel like I need to do things like create a podcast to prove to the world that I'm worth it? It's so interesting because even when I was miserable, even when I was being abused and beat black and blue by my abusive ex, and when I was like, literally underweight because of all of the abuse that he put me through, and when I was half dead and miserable as fuck and trying to heal from all of that trauma for so years, even when I was at my lowest and addicted to smoking weed etc, etc, I still always knew that I was special. Even when I was at my lowest, I always knew or always thought that I was special. And the interesting question is, like, why did I believe that I needed evidence in the first place? Why wasn't my own experience of myself enough? Because somewhere along the way I am special became I have to prove I'm special. And I don't know, I feel like this all comes from this place of, like, spending so much time feeling misunderstood that I wanted something objective that I could, like, point at and say, see, I'm not crazy. I'm not imagining the fact that I'm special. You know what I mean? Like, as if I wanted this external proof that the way that I felt about myself was not delusional. I guess my podcast does not make me worthy, but it's just a piece of evidence that I wasn't crazy. That, like, all of these years of feeling like I had something to say and something to contribute and something to create wasn't just ego talking, you know what I mean? And, you know, the other layer with the whole, like, me needing strangers to confirm something that I already know is kind of, I feel like this brutal reality that humans are social creatures, so we have this tendency to build our identities partly through reflection, so we look into other people and we see ourselves reflected back. So when somebody comes up to me or messages me and tells me that an episode changed how they think about their life, that doesn't directly create my value, but it mirrors it back to me. It says to me that they can. That, you know, they can see what I've been trying to tell myself was there all along. And what if I change my mindset on, like, the podcast not being proof of my worthiness, but it just being a witness because I've spent so many years having intense thoughts and intense feelings and intense experiences, and this podcast is like, the first place where all of that exists outside of my own head and it's being documented in real time and maybe that's why it matters so much. Because it doesn't. Just like it's not. Not because it proves that I'm special, but because it proves that I'm here, that I felt things and that I thought things and that I made something and now there's evidence that my inner world exists. And I think that's interesting because that's kind of very. That's a very different emotional need than fame or validation. That's kind of almost existential. Like it's like about like leaving a trace. And I think that's closer to. And I think maybe that's what I'm feeling and where that is coming from. You know what I mean? Anyways, I have no idea how we landed here, but that's like the beauty. That's the beauty of this podcast, isn't it? Oh my God, I'm so sore. I went to go work out yesterday for the first time in like two months. I think I really want to be fit. It's not even funny. Physically fit, Physically fit. Physically, physically, physically. I keep watching the basement yard TikTok clips. Love them so much. They're so fucking hilarious. But anyways, that was my little episode on my experience of fighting to belong and how that makes you feel like a little girl back in school and. And I probably forgot a million and one things I wanted to touch upon. But I feel like I've been yapping for a long time. Let me take a break. Maybe I'll continue later, but if not, I'll see you guys next week. I love y'. All. Bye Bye.
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