#132 - The Friendship Social Contract

Summary

Podcast Summary: Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship
Episode: #132 - The Friendship Social Contract
Release Date: May 20, 2025

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Introduction

In episode #132 of Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship, hosts Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo delve deep into the concept of the Friendship Social Contract. This episode aims to provide listeners with a framework for understanding and strengthening their friendships amidst the modern "friendship recession," where 15% of men report having no close friends.

Defining the Social Contract in Friendship

The hosts kick off the discussion by defining the social contract, contrasting its traditional societal implications with its application in personal friendships. Aaron explains that while the traditional social contract relates to the legitimacy of state authority over individuals, in friendships, it encompasses the unspoken norms and expectations that govern how friends interact and support each other.

Notable Quote:

Aaron Karo (00:58): “I think the tag should go in the front. Less itchy. And then you can just look down and see what size you're wearing.”

Core Tenets of the Friendship Social Contract

Matt and Aaron outline the four foundational pillars of their Friendship Social Contract:

1. Mutual Support: Being present for each other during both good and bad times.
2. Trust and Confidentiality: Maintaining confidentiality and avoiding gossip or the sharing of sensitive information.
3. Communication: Openly addressing issues and being receptive to feedback rather than bottling up feelings.
4. Reliability and Consistency: Keeping promises, being punctual, and showing up when expected.

Notable Quote:

Aaron Karo (09:25): “The main tenets of the friendship social contract are mutual support, trust and confidentiality, communication, and reliability and consistency.”

Challenges and Breaches of the Social Contract

The conversation shifts to common violations of the Friendship Social Contract, highlighting how sensitive issues like trust breaches (e.g., gossiping) and reliability failures (e.g., flaking on plans) can strain or even end friendships.

Matt humorously likens flaking on friends to breaking laws:

Matt Ritter (17:55): “You broke a law of friendship. You need a ticket. That's not a felony, but it's certainly a violation.”

Listener Q&A: Navigating Shifting Friendships

The hosts address a listener’s dilemma about a friend, Olivia, who seems to be drifting away in favor of newer, “shinier” friends. They explore the emotional impact of such shifts and offer actionable advice:

1. Reflection: Assess personal feelings and the changes in the friendship dynamics.
2. Communication: Encourage having an open conversation with the friend to understand their perspective and express feelings.
3. Understanding Seasons: Recognize that friendships can go through different seasons, and it's natural for focus to shift at times.
4. Inclusion: Make efforts to include old friends when forming new connections to maintain balance.

Notable Quote:

Matt Ritter (22:04): “I think there are ways, even when the season isn't upon you guys, to spend quality time to maintain that friendship and maintain the goodwill.”

Maintaining Balance in Friendships

Aaron emphasizes the importance of balancing new and old friendships without neglecting either:

Aaron Karo (24:05): “You can confront them and things can be great and maybe they will spend time with me. But I think you could also be open to the idea that, like, if this is happening, maybe they're in a different phase of life.”

Closing Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Matt and Aaron reiterate the significance of adhering to the Friendship Social Contract to foster strong, lasting relationships. They encourage listeners to engage in honest conversations with their friends and to be mindful of both giving and receiving support within their friendships.

Notable Quote:

Matt Ritter (32:38): “Respect the friendship social contract. It's important to have, you know, actual conversations with your friends about it.”

Key Takeaways

• Understand and Define: Recognize the unspoken rules that govern your friendships and discuss them openly when necessary.
• Communicate Effectively: Don’t assume your friends know what you need; express your feelings and listen to theirs.
• Be Reliable: Show up and keep your commitments to build trust and dependability.
• Adapt and Reflect: Accept that friendships evolve and require effort to maintain through different life stages.

By adhering to these principles, Matt and Aaron aim to empower listeners to build and sustain meaningful friendships, countering the current trend of diminishing social connections.

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Stay Connected:
For more insights and tips on building lasting friendships, visit manoftheyearpodcast.com and subscribe to their YouTube channel for exclusive clips.

Transcript

[Matt Ritter]

Foreign.

[Aaron Caro]

Of the year.

[Matt Ritter]

Man of the year.

[Aaron Caro]

Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Aaron Caro.

[Matt Ritter]

I'm Matt Ritter.

[Aaron Caro]

And make sure to go to manoftheourpodcast.com to grab our merch and YouTube to watch our clips. Matt, before we get into it, I have a. I have an idea. I have a business idea.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay, hit me with it.

[Aaron Caro]

For. For those of you watching on YouTube, both Matt and I are wearing your standard issue T shirts. Comfortable T shirts. I believe that tags on T shirts should go in the front.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay, first of all, clarify first. I don't even think I have tags on my shirts anymore. Your tags don't even exist.

[Aaron Caro]

Tag. There's plenty. Plenty of shirts. Most shirts still have tags. They're in the back. Not only is it itchy, but if you just want to see, oh, what am I? What size am I? You're shopping, you can't look at it. I say this. The tag should go in the front. Less itchy. And then you can just look down and see what size you're wearing.

[Matt Ritter]

I. I gotta say, I do in theory agree with you, but I think I'm just living in a different zone. Kira, I haven't had a tag on a shirt.

[Aaron Caro]

You got tags and plenty of shirts, by the way, I bought you that shirt. I bought you the shirt you're wearing right now.

[Matt Ritter]

And thankfully, you've stepped up on. Hey, you know what? You're nicer to me than you are to yourself.

[Aaron Caro]

I do say.

[Matt Ritter]

I love what you're saying. I. Look, I think the common man should not have to have tags in the back.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, but it's also, like, what purpose. What purpose does it serve?

[Matt Ritter]

I wonder if, like, if you accidentally do something, if you rip the tag, you're like, is there a risk that you're gonna rip the shirt? Is that why. I wonder why they put the tags in the back.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I mean, I'm assuming because it may be like, you don't want it right there, right. Right above your clavicle. But I'm. I think.

[Matt Ritter]

I think it's because. No, I think it's when you're shopping, because you're looking at the front of the tee, you would. They don't want you to, like, have to, like, mess up. Because you can see. Usually, like, when a shirt is folded, you could see the size as it's pressed forward.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, okay, so you're saying you're in the folded version. You could see in the back, but that.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, that's the only reason That I could think of. I think you're right. I think in theory, you're right. It doesn't make sense. The only thing I think of is that when it's folded, you. Oh, I want to see the xl. You know, whatever. Or L or whatever. And you can see that right at the top.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, all right. I mean, fair enough. I mean. Yes.

[Matt Ritter]

Meanwhile, I still always have to make a mess anyway of every. Anytime I've ever had to look for a size and they're all in a pile. I have to wreck the whole aisle by accident.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, I can't. By accident. I can't even imagine what you're like shopping. I mean. I mean, even the best of us, even me, when I'm looking through the stack, I'm like, you destroy the stack. This poor person's got to fold everything. You must be a bull in a cap and a Gap shop.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, they don't. They definitely see me walking in and they're like, well, there goes the next four, 45 minutes refolding.

[Aaron Caro]

Right, Right. I mean, their whole lives are just folding, unfolding.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah, I'm with you on this. I think I'm totally with you. But for others.

[Aaron Caro]

What do you think about the lockdown, security, when. You have to try something on. Now, give me. Give me your. Your date of birth, the number of things you're putting in and sign your name and blood before you go in.

[Matt Ritter]

Never had this happen. I. I think we're shopping in different places, man. I don't. I. I know. I haven't been to Ross in a while. Is that.

[Aaron Caro]

This is Ross? What? Is Ross still an exist?

[Matt Ritter]

I don't know.

[Aaron Caro]

Where are you going?

[Matt Ritter]

Where this happens.

[Aaron Caro]

I've recently rediscovered Target.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, okay. So that's why. See, I'm at Buck Mason, where they give you a shot of tequila.

[Aaron Caro]

Do they really give you booze?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. And they know me from the neighborhood. They're not. They're not putting an ankle monitor on me.

[Aaron Caro]

They know me from the neighborhood. If they knew me from the neighborhood, they would not be giving you a shot of tequila.

[Matt Ritter]

Wait, so Target, you now have to give them your ID when you try something on.

[Aaron Caro]

I'm joking. I mean, Target is just. It's just. It's like a wasteland. Like in. What's the Mel Gibson movie where, like, Mad Max. It's just. It's just empty.

[Matt Ritter]

I will say Target is money for little kids. We do a lot of our shopping for Brenner at Target because there's no reason to spend $80 on this much.

[Aaron Caro]

Fabric, and then it disintegrates. Or. Or it.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, completely. Well, you only have it for six months, Right?

[Aaron Caro]

That's true. Do you have just a. A. A cachet of hand me downs for your second kid?

[Matt Ritter]

It's so. First of all, this whole thing is genius. Not genius luck, obviously, that we're having another boy, but that Jess's sister has a boy 10 months older, so we haven't had to buy anything for Brenner, and Julian's really getting. Hand me down. Hand me down squared.

[Aaron Caro]

Wait, did you just tell me your second kid's name?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Oh, it's not a secret.

[Aaron Caro]

You never told me that.

[Matt Ritter]

Now everybody knows. Okay. Yeah, well, it's gonna be Julian.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, it's. A child has already been. Been born when this is coming out, but.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay.

[Aaron Caro]

Can't believe you just slipped that in in a podcast.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, we've been saying it to each other, like, in the house. We haven't been telling people, but I just. Yeah. So. Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Do other friends know?

[Matt Ritter]

No, I don't think so. We've just been. Here's why it slipped out, because we keep saying it to Brenner out loud to try to get him to know the kid's name.

[Aaron Caro]

Got it. Wow. Beautiful name. I feel this is almost like when you told the surgeon general that you're having a kid before anybody else.

[Matt Ritter]

Listen, I like to tell the man of the audience first. These are my. This is. You guys are my inner circle.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, at least the surgeon general is a doctor, so it's Feel like there's.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. Yeah, exactly. I was like, I better tell my. My doc. My doc.

[Aaron Caro]

All right, so. So speaking of. Of things you should tell and things you shouldn't tell and what the rules are, let's talk about the social contract when and when it pertains to friendship. Now, first of all, Matthew, from your time in school, and I'm going to say both regular school and law school, do you remember what the social contract is?

[Matt Ritter]

No. Yes, you do. Just refresh me. I mean, the social contract, like what the definition. Like the actual definition of it.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, the general vibe.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. I mean, what my son just said. Bye. Bye. What? You know what? You sort of rule the normal norms of society. I mean, that's what the social contract is. That's what our norms are.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. And it. I mean, I think the actual definition is the legitimacy. The legitimacy of the authority of the state over the individual.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, look, the social contract includes things like, hey, picking up your garbage. Right? Like parking normally, all the things we complain about that people break the social contract on.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I think the high level social contract is like you run a red light, you get arrested, you're put in jail, you didn't agree to any of that. But, you know, you didn't agree to live under the constitution.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. But we all do. Right. Because. Right. We all, when we form a society, we all agree to this social contract.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. But you're just born into this. You didn't, you didn't consent to it.

[Matt Ritter]

That is true. That is true. You are born into it, you're born into that.

[Aaron Caro]

And then, and then sort of what we talk about is exactly what you just said, which is the social contract sort of between people. You know, you're not walking to Buck Mason and uppercutting somebody for no reason. Although in LA sometimes that does happen. But, you know, you're living with other people, you're sharing space, you're sharing space with strangers. But let's drill down a little bit to the social contract between friends because I think we, we all have a social contract with our romantic partners, which is, you know, you're going to be faithful, you are, you know, expected to, you know, help out and be nice and, you know, build a life together. But it's a little less explicit when it comes to friendship.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, that's a great, great topic, I don't think, you know, I think on some level we've probably covered like a dose of the rule, a dose of the contract, this and that. But this is awesome. So you want to lay out the whole thing.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. And I think that the key here is that these things are sort of unspoken and that can be sticky, you know, which is why in a romantic relationship you're always like, communication is key. The best relationships have good communication. You know, uh, Jess, your wife gives you the pat, the little bed pat when she needs to give you a little talking to.

[Matt Ritter]

No, no, she does it. She makes me sit down on a.

[Aaron Caro]

Chair.

[Matt Ritter]

By the way. I think this is great also because, you know, we talk about on this podcast. Right. Right from the very beginning when we launched the pod, we said, you know, there's a sex ed in school, but there's never a friend ed. So all of our education on friendship is haphazard and ad hoc. So thank you for this episode idea because I think this is going to be super helpful to give people some sort of framework.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. And so the main tenets of the friendship social contract are mutual support. So you're being there for each other. In good times and bad. Trust and confidentiality, which I want to talk about, which is, you know, you have an expectation of some confidentiality when talking to a friend. Three is communication. You're going to actually discuss and address problems instead of bottling it up and being open to feedback. And then four is reliability and consistency showing up when you say you're going to be being on time, keeping promises, etc. Those are the basic building blocks of the friendship social contract.

[Matt Ritter]

Do you think I would say everybody's aware of those?

[Aaron Caro]

I would say. I mean, everyone is aware of the social contract of a romantic relationship. Doesn't mean you enforce it or do it.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, no, but I was just gonna. I was gonna get into. What do we think are the ones that. Of that four, like, what do you think the one that we're really not sort of addressing properly?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I don't necessarily know if it's a question what we're not addressing. It's what causes the most issues.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. Okay. Okay.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, and I think each of them have their own individual things that are difficult. Like, so for the first one is mutual support. We've had many a listener question of, like, very subjective.

[Matt Ritter]

It's very subjective. That one's very subjective. I think the trust one is more objective and the one that people breach. Like, I think a lot of times, like, man, I can't. You know, like, you should know not to gossip about your friend.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, but I would almost argue gossip is the extreme example.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. What's the. What's the common. Oh, yeah, like just saying something you didn't know you shouldn't say you weren't allowed to say or something. Like sharing a. Something that's a secret.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. You know, again, even. Even, you know, I don't know. Like, am I. Can I now tell people your son's name?

[Matt Ritter]

Right. No, you're right. You know what? It's funny. I'm now realizing that every social contract between friends is extremely. Is unique.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

To that dynamic. Like, you and I are gonna have a different social contract from you and Jeff and you, Lonzi. That's. That's fascinating.

[Aaron Caro]

Actually, I don't want to get off the topic, but what about your Julian's middle name?

[Matt Ritter]

We're. We're working on it. It's a. It's a work in progress.

[Aaron Caro]

And then is there a reasoning behind the Julian?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, it's just great grandfather.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, great. So Jess's grandfather, grand lineage has a lot of.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, it's hilarious. So she almost didn't want to do it. Because his name was Julian Brenner.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, wow. So the same grandfather twice.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just worked out that those were the names we love the most.

[Aaron Caro]

That's cool.

[Matt Ritter]

And you know, Israel is Brenner's middle name, which was my dad. So we're gonna do something on my side for the middle name. So I got second fiddle on both.

[Aaron Caro]

Can I. We'll follow up this on a later podcast. I know that I told you this. I currently have a genealogist in Poland trying to find my great great grandfather because nobody knows who it is.

[Matt Ritter]

Really? Wow. Nobody in your family can figure out who this one person. There's one missing link.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Our. Our records only go back to my. My great grandfather, so my parents. Grandfather. We don't know, you know, who the great great is.

[Matt Ritter]

That's why you got to ask your parents and grandparents and write it down and record.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, that's what we're trying to do.

[Matt Ritter]

It's not so easy for Jews. It's not so easy sometimes.

[Aaron Caro]

I know. Exactly. Exactly. So we've got. We've got someone tracking it down. So anyway, so, yeah, I mean, like, you know, I. I've definitely. I'm sure we all. Many times. You're talking to a buddy. Hey, blah, blah, blah. Oh, I just heard from. Blah, blah, blah. You know, don't say anything. Like you. You kind of say the secret, but you say, just don't say anything in case you're not supposed to.

[Matt Ritter]

I betrayed your. Our social contract. I. I specifically know when. At your birthday two years ago with Tony and Lauren. I don't know what it was, but it was something that I. I made an oops on.

[Aaron Caro]

Yes. I emailed our friend's wife and she never responded to me. And you told her?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, but I was doing it to try to reconcile.

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

In my mind, I thought I was helping.

[Aaron Caro]

Right, right. And. And by the way, okay, so those low level breaches, we. We could say that falls under the next thing, which is communication, which is that like, okay, you know, things happen, issues happen. Like, I mean, I wasn't. I wasn't mad, but like, you know, you have to communicate to your friends. We always say your friends aren't mind readers. Like, part of the social contract is that, like, I don't know if you're mad at me, if you.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. I also don't know. Let's back up for a second. I think that's right. But I also don't necessarily know what your boundaries are. So I think part of it is like, they only get defined by the breaches. You know what I mean?

[Aaron Caro]

Like, because.

[Matt Ritter]

Because we never really communicate until something happens that we don't like. So that's where it gets tricky, right? Like, for, like. Except for the extreme breaches where you're straight up gossiping about your friend. If you don't know what you should or shouldn't share and you share something, you only find out what your friend's boundaries are when you've crossed the line.

[Aaron Caro]

Sure, I guess that makes sense. I mean, I guess that's with everything, right?

[Matt Ritter]

Right. I'm just saying. But is there a way to, like, define them better? You know, like, what is. What is the purpose of laying out the social contract between friends and not to, like, get into, like. Okay, maybe we should come up with some hard and fast rules on some of these things.

[Aaron Caro]

All right?

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, I, like, generally, like, hey, you need to communicate. You know, Obviously we always say, your friends aren't mind readers. That's number one of our social contract is communicate more. Your friends don't know these things.

[Aaron Caro]

I've got a good one. Matt, you're gonna, like, so oftentimes people ask me how you're doing. Like, good thing, you know?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

Lindsay, best friend Mike, you know, maybe a. You know, we're best friends, we're podcasts, and I only, by the way, in a nice way. Oh, how's that? I. I only relay good news and never bad news.

[Matt Ritter]

I like that. I like that. Although, you know, like, obviously if something personal that you thought you should share, I. I expect that, like, you know.

[Aaron Caro]

Them, you know, those boundaries, of course, and we.

[Matt Ritter]

But I like what you're saying is, like, there's an inner circle and don't get too personal with outer circle. Don't speak out of turn.

[Aaron Caro]

And I think probably because all our friends are writers, this is maybe more of a professional question. Oh, what's going on with Matt? So he's got this going on, this guy, right? This thing fell apart.

[Matt Ritter]

No, and that's. And that is a line cross. Right? That's like, you know, sharing somebody's salary or something.

[Aaron Caro]

And then, you know, this, the. The. The fourth one comes up a lot, which is reliability and consistency, which is like, you know, you make plans with your buddy, they're just. You're expected to show up. You're expected to, you know, not, you know, cancel at the last minute. Supposed to be on time.

[Matt Ritter]

And I think that one is the one that people don't quite understand when you flake on somebody, when you've Made plans. And then on Friday night, an hour before you fake a stomachache, you have broken the social contract. You didn't just flake on your friend, you broke the social contract. And you know the consequences. You are damaging your friendship.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. You know, I mean, it's also, so it's also just being a good person that you're, that you're not just flaking on people, canceling plans.

[Matt Ritter]

But I like that. Framing it as a contract like these are, you know, quote unquote laws, rules, norms. It's not just, ah, I just didn't show. No, you, you broke a law of friendship. You know, you need a ticket. That's a, that's not a, that's not a felony, right? Flaking on somebody's not a felony, but it's certainly a violation, right? If there was a social contract, friendship, like, we're the chief friendship officers, if we were officers of the law, we could be handing out violations for that.

[Aaron Caro]

Not, not to get political, but in generally, in law, are there laws that if you commit X misdemeanors, it becomes a felony or you can just commit as many misdemeanors as you want?

[Matt Ritter]

No, I think that's a. I, I. Wow, that's a good one.

[Aaron Caro]

You just keep shoplifting. Does it ever get elevated?

[Matt Ritter]

I'm, I'm not, I'm not sure. I think it, I think it can get elevated, actually, I have to double check that, but I think it can get elevated. On the next episode. I'm going to, I'm going to research it and then I'm going to get back to you on our next episode. We have, we have lawyers that have practiced in the past 15 years.

[Aaron Caro]

I would say three friendship misdemeanors is a friendship felony.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. And, okay, so, well, first of all, you're skipping violations. Then you're going straight to misdemeanor violation is. Look, a violation is a parking ticket, right? A violation is a parking ticket. A misdemeanor is a shoplift and a felony. We know what a felony is, but.

[Aaron Caro]

It'S like, so do we want five.

[Matt Ritter]

Years or we only want two tiers?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, I'm asking, like, if I, if I call you, I'm like, oh, I need to ask you something real quick. And you're like, oh, I got to call you back. And you never call me back. I mean, that's a violation.

[Matt Ritter]

That's, that's a park. That's low. That's violation. So do we want to categorize a flake as a misdemeanor?

[Aaron Caro]

Okay, so we're going out tonight at 8pm you call me at 7pm and you're like, I'm not feeling well.

[Matt Ritter]

I think that rises to misdemeanor.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, what if you actually aren't feeling well?

[Matt Ritter]

No. Then it's a violation. I know, I know, I know. It's hard to tell.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, look, obviously a felony is you, you know, speaking badly about somebody or, you know, sleeping with their wife.

[Aaron Caro]

Jesus. I mean, I think, is there anything higher than a felony?

[Matt Ritter]

Well, capital. Well, we would just call it. That's a capital crime.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, that means the end. The death of the friendship.

[Matt Ritter]

The death of the friendship. Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

I said would.

[Matt Ritter]

Every threat does that. Right. Every felony doesn't necessarily mean the end of a friendship. Three strikes and you're out.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, what would you consider when you told whatever about that I complained about his wife or. No, I said you. I complained about this woman. You complained to her face. It's a misdemeanor.

[Matt Ritter]

It's a misdemeanor. It's a foul. It's definitely a foul.

[Aaron Caro]

All right, let's, let's, let's take a listen to a question and we'll come back to this. We'll be right back.

[C]

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[Aaron Caro]

Okay, guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram at man of the year podcast and we will answer it on the show. Okay, here we go. Dear Matt and Caro. Lately, my friend Olivia. This is coming from a woman. Lately, my friend Olivia seems to be ditching me for her newer shinier cooler friends. And I feel like I've been downgraded. To quote old reliable Olivia still texts me when she needs a favor or a confidence boost, but actual quality time, few and far between. Now, I don't want to be petty, but am I crazy for feeling used and abused? Do I call her out or. Or has this friendship just run its course and I should quietly move on?

[Matt Ritter]

Going on there a lot of things I can relate to.

[Aaron Caro]

We haven't talked as much about these shiny, newer, cooler friends.

[Matt Ritter]

I feel that you talked about it a while ago where you're like, we all gravitate towards that. It's very. It's very, very normal. Now, what does that mean for your friendships? I think that's the part a lot of us are not checking in on, right? We gravitate towards the new and shiny thing. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that part of the equation. The part that is wrong is going, okay, I'm completely ignoring my old reliable friend, right? You always have to show them love and appreciation. But the question to me is framed wrong because she thinks there's no other answers. It's either let it be as it is, confront or end the friendship. And you know what I say there are seasons for friendship, right? Like right now, I am doing a lot with these new parent friends. That doesn't mean, hey, I'm moving on from old Cairo over here, right? But I do have to be more conscious of old Cairo if I'm not including him in these things that I'm doing and I'm not making any time or I'm not at least showing gratitude. I mean, I think there are ways, even when the season isn't upon you guys, to spend quality time to maintain that friendship and maintain the goodwill.

[Aaron Caro]

So a couple things we had talked about back in the day that, like, you know, when you meet someone new and they become a new friend, you're just excited to hang out with them and you want to hang out with them all the time. And that happens. You're sort of taking the friends perspective, which is that when you make this new shiny frame, make sure to include the old friends. You know, the. The question asker. The question. I mean, I'm sorry, the person who's doing the new friend hangout might not know it's happening, right? Like, what do you mean? I'm just hanging out with my new friend and whatever. So from the question asker's perspective, obviously the first response is to, you're not just going to end this Friendship over this, right? Like, your friend may not even know she's doing it. A. You could just hang out with her and say, hey, what's going on with the new friends? Oh, blah, blah, blah. You know, I kind of feel like maybe you. You. We haven't been hanging out as much. I want to meet them, I want to hang out with them, you know, or just simple as. Like, I'm feeling a little neglected.

[Matt Ritter]

So here's the other part. I find that these are times for you to do reflection, which is great. She's now reflecting and going, okay, there's a change in my relationship with this friend. They've now, it's almost like, when your friend moves, do you then not go try to make new friends if that friend moved to another city? Of course you do. Otherwise you're just out a friend.

[Aaron Caro]

And it's like being a widow.

[Matt Ritter]

Right? Exactly. Right. Totally right. Your friend, widow. So do you not. You know, you can move on. That doesn't mean you're no longer friends with that person. But this is a good moment to go, okay, maybe now there's a gap here where I had this old friend and we did all this stuff and they're in a different phase. Our friendship's in a different season. Maybe it's time for me to go out and not focus on what they're not doing for me. Right? The best relationship, healthiest relationship you have to have is with yourself and go, okay, I will address it, right? Like what you said, I will address it. But you may not be able to necessarily fix the fact that you're not spending time the way you want to with that friend if they have other things that are going on that are making them gravitate towards a new friend.

[Aaron Caro]

Aren't you jumping the gun a little bit, though, Matt?

[Matt Ritter]

I'm not. I don't think I am. I think, you know, you can confront. I'm just saying I want you to have sort of, like this notion that, hey, it doesn't have to end. I can confront them and things can be great and maybe they will spend time with me. But I think you could also be open to the idea that, like, if this is happening, maybe they're in a different phase of life. That's usually why that happens, that usually you don't just go, I don't want to hang out with my friend. Usually it's because, like, I had a kid or I'm in it. I got a new job, and I'm now hanging out with, like, this new work friend or some there's some sort of shift that makes them go, oh, I'm hanging out with this new person. You know, like, I'm hanging out with a lot of my new friends because they're new dad friends. I didn't just go, oh, I want to replace Caro. Right.

[Aaron Caro]

But that, I mean, that's, That's a very specific example. It's, you know.

[Matt Ritter]

No, but I think that's usually why people are out as adults. Like, they're, they're making new friends because they're entering a new. Whether it's a new hobby they took on or a new work thing or a new life event. But if it's just like, hey, I made a new friend, that I agree with you. You're like, include me. I want to meet this new friend. I want to be part of it.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah. Again, I mean, if I. When I started doing CrossFit and I had all those other new friends, I didn't. That's not an excuse to not hang out with.

[Matt Ritter]

Right.

[Aaron Caro]

Schlubs like you guys.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[Aaron Caro]

I just.

[Matt Ritter]

You actually, you did introduce us to them. We're like, no, thanks.

[Aaron Caro]

That's. That's not, that's not cool, by the way.

[Matt Ritter]

No, it's not true. That's actually, that was just a joke. That's actually not true.

[Aaron Caro]

We, like, by the way, you're gonna, you know, Lenny, he's. He's a good dude. He just made a very good friendship thing. He called me the other day. I, I, I, I missed it because I was, I was doing something, and then he followed up with a text, and he said, call to say hi. Been a minute.

[Matt Ritter]

I love it.

[Aaron Caro]

Befriending, right?

[Matt Ritter]

Classic podcast listener comment. I love that. Somebody who's actually doing the. Doing the work, baby. Do the work. No, but you're right. Look, I skipped ahead to all the other possibilities, I think. Obviously, yes. You know, just address it. Say, hey, man, your friend sounds awesome. Let's all get together. Let's all hang out.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. Also, again, let's reframe. She said, my friend Olivia seems to be ditching me. Those friends may be being the friend, inviting her to concerts, inviting her to. And you're not inviting her to anything.

[Matt Ritter]

Very good point.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, it's like, when Fireball Adam came into our life, I only wanted to hang out with him because he's the only one who was doing anything cool.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, he always has cool stuff, right? It's like, you know, what do I have? Nothing.

[Aaron Caro]

Nothing. Nothing. So. And, And I think Matt we should also. And I think you said this pretty common. This is a pretty common occurrence. Listen, our. My friend Chi got new, shinier friends, and I never spoke to him again.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. But before we go DEFCON 5 and never talk to that person again, you know, you could just do it in a positive way, like, hey, I think it's great you made this new friend. She sounds awesome. Love to hang out with her. Right? And then that'll. By the way, that'll also tell you what's really going on.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. By the way, just to be clear, she said she's been ditched for shiny cooler friends, plural.

[Matt Ritter]

That's what made me believe it's like a mom group or something that. That, like, you don't just, like, stumble upon a whole new friend group, usually. Unless something's going on in your life.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, listen, I bet you Fireball Adam's old friends are saying, wait a minute. Fireball Adam met up with this group of guys that are cooler and shinier. We never heard from them again.

[Matt Ritter]

Maybe she upgraded and maybe that's the other answer. Maybe you need to be more fun.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. I feel like this is. This is our least sort of empathetic answer we've given in a while, but.

[Matt Ritter]

No, but the empathy is that it happens to everybody. And, you know, like, you gotta. You have to look at the different ways to deal with it.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. And by the way, mean. Again, you're using a very evocative term. She's ditching you. You need. If she's a. If a real friend, which sounds like she is. You got to have a conversation like.

[Matt Ritter]

Of course, we're not in high school. You don't just ditch people.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. You got to get a glass of wine and. And hash it out and be diplomatic. Okay, guys, that was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram. We'll answer on the show. All right, before we wrap up, Matt, anything else? Any final thoughts on the friendship social contract?

[Matt Ritter]

No, but I just. It hit me that multiple misdemeanors get enhanced into felony. I couldn't think of the word enhancements.

[Aaron Caro]

Yes.

[Matt Ritter]

Our former DA in la, who we got rid of, thankfully, didn't believe in enhancements as a tool.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, enhancements has a funny connotation in my family. The. The steak place that we go out for every year for, like, a family dinner. Family anniversary dinner. They call, you know, when you order, like, a filet or whatever steak. And they have. And, I mean, it's called enhancements. At this place. So, like, I want, say again?

[Matt Ritter]

Sides.

[Aaron Caro]

But it's like, do you want, do you want horseradish, like cream sauce?

[Matt Ritter]

Chimichurri sauce is an enhancement.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, peppercorn, dry rub or whatever it's called.

[Matt Ritter]

There's a restaurant called Enhancements.

[Aaron Caro]

I think maybe you've been there. I think it's called, I'd have to look it up, but it's, it's, it's like a pretty nice place in Huntington. And, you know, we do, we do a nice family dinner every year.

[Matt Ritter]

That's hilarious. They charge a $50 per enhancement.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, $50. I don't know what kind of places you're going to.

[Matt Ritter]

These are the dollar horseradish side. I want to look up their menu. I want to find out how much they charge for the, their enhance because I don't think more than a $50 is appropriate for an.

[Aaron Caro]

$50. What are you going McDonald's?

[Matt Ritter]

That's what you would charge for the little, just for a little droplet of chimichurri. Come on.

[Aaron Caro]

No, this is a, this is a, this is a nice, I'm gonna look it up.

[Matt Ritter]

What's the place called? I want to look up how much they're charging for their chimichurri.

[Aaron Caro]

It's called prime in Huntington. I mean, let's not bore on our listeners too much with us looking at the menu of a restaurant.

[Matt Ritter]

No, they're not going to be bored by this. Everybody needs to know what an enhancement costs at Prime. All right, Menu. Yeah. What else did we learn? I'm looking at their menu right now.

[Aaron Caro]

Well, we learned that you need to respect the friendship social contract. It's important to have, you know, actual conversations with your friends about it. Okay, I found it. Horseradish.

[Matt Ritter]

It's $6 for the enhancements.

[Aaron Caro]

Yes, that's what I told you, man. It's a fancy place.

[Matt Ritter]

Wow. $6 for Bernays sauce. Oh, they have brie fondue as an enhancement. Wow. Bordelay, six bucks.

[Aaron Caro]

Butter poached lobster for 39.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, that's pricey. Six dollar horseradish cream. All right, well, do you guys get the enhancements?

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, I, I, I mean, what's your enhancement of choice? I actually think I keep a keep it in my notes app, but I believe I get the horseradish and maybe we get some melted blue cheese.

[Matt Ritter]

What about that? Wait, so you're. They throw a butter lobster on top of the steak. What would.

[Aaron Caro]

I think that's like, I think that's their version of surf and turf.

[Matt Ritter]

Okay. I was like that's not, like, something you just liquefy on top of this. Yeah, okay, Prime. I'll have to check it out.

[Aaron Caro]

All right, guys, tell us about your experiences with the Friendship Social Contract. And also, what are Your favorite enhancements?

[Matt Ritter]

9 or Chimichurri all the way, baby.

[Aaron Caro]

All right, guys, thank you for listening. Always remember, be good to your friends. Be good to yourself. Love you, buddy.

[Matt Ritter]

Love you, too. When life brings the blah, Add more.

[C]

Yabba dabba doo with some tasty fruity Pebbles.

[Matt Ritter]

Early morning meeting, blah. Someone brought the Pebbles. Yabba dabba doo. Run errands, blah. Head to the store for Pebbles. Yabba dabba doo Fruity Pebbles, les blah, more yabba dabba doo Pick up Pebble cereal today. Yabba dabba doo and the Flintstones and all related characters and elements copyright and trademark Hanna Barbera.