#137 - Be The Reason, Not the Excuse

Summary

Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship Episode #137: "Be The Reason, Not the Excuse" Release Date: June 24, 2025

In Episode #137 of Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship, hosts Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo delve into the often-overlooked dynamics of friendship maintenance. Titled "Be The Reason, Not the Excuse," this episode offers insightful discussions, practical advice, and relatable anecdotes aimed at combating the growing "friendship recession" affecting many, especially men, today.

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Defining the Week: A Hilarious Debate

The episode kicks off with Matt and Aaron engaging in a lighthearted yet passionate debate about the interpretation of the phrase "next week." Starting at [01:51], Aaron initiates the conversation by sharing a recent experience where a friend misunderstood the timing of their plans:

Aaron (02:10): "I go let's hang out next week. She goes, oh. And she gives me a date that's two weeks away because she considers Sunday the beginning of the week."

Matt chimes in, emphasizing the confusion this can cause:

Matt (03:08): "If I talk to you on a Sunday and I say, let's talk next week, you think that means two weeks from now?"

Their back-and-forth highlights the nuances in daily communication and sets the stage for deeper discussions on friendship responsibilities.

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Transition to Friendship Mindset

As the debate unfolds, Aaron smoothly transitions the conversation to the episode’s main theme by referencing Mel Robbins's "Let Them" theory:

Aaron (07:15): "We're in this kind of contentious sort of half fun, half debate, and you and I have been talking a lot about Mel Robbins... her huge book is called Let Them."

This segues into their own friendship mindset tip: "Be The Reason, Not the Excuse."

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"Be The Reason, Not the Excuse" Explained

At [10:31], Aaron introduces the core message of the episode:

Aaron (10:31): "Be the reason, not the excuse. If you are feeling like your social fitness or social life is lacking, be the reason you guys get together, not the excuse why you didn't."

Matt expands on this by outlining practical examples:

Matt (11:04): "Be the reason that you guys have a weekly dinner. Be the reason that you take casual walks with somebody. Don't be the excuse for, 'Oh, man, I never see my friends.'"

This philosophy encourages individuals to take proactive steps in fostering and maintaining friendships rather than attributing barriers to excuses.

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Anecdotes and Real-Life Applications

Matt shares a personal story to illustrate the theme:

Matt (15:00): "I went to watch the NCAA tournament with a friend, but the sports bars didn't have the games on. It felt like a symptom of the lack of effort in organizing simple get-togethers."

This anecdote underscores the challenges in modern social settings and the importance of intentionality in maintaining connections.

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Listener Q&A: Navigating Friendship Roles

Midway through the episode, the hosts address a listener question submitted via Instagram:

Listener's Question (23:48): "Dear Matt and Aaron, I feel like the unofficial social chair of my friend group and I'm over it. How do I nudge my friends to take the initiative without feeling like the sole planner?"

Matt responds thoughtfully:

Matt (24:37): "Reframe being the planner as a badge of honor and recognize that your friends appreciate your efforts, even if it feels burdensome."

Aaron adds strategies to encourage friends to become more active:

Aaron (26:05): "Introduce necessity as the mother of invention. If you always plan events and this time you don’t, your friends might step up to organize something themselves."

They further discuss the dynamics between "planners" and "fanners" within friend groups, highlighting the importance of gratitude and delegation.

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Practical Tips for Being the Catalyst

The hosts provide actionable advice on how to embody the "Be The Reason" mindset:

1. Initiate Plans Regularly: Take the first step in organizing get-togethers, be it weekly dinners or casual outings.
2. Delegate Responsibilities: Encourage friends to take on roles in planning, reducing the burden on a single individual.
3. Express Gratitude: Regularly thank friends for their participation and support in maintaining the friendship circle.
4. Leverage Shared Interests: Use events like sports tournaments as natural icebreakers to bring friends together.

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Key Takeaways and Closing Thoughts

In conclusion, Matt and Aaron reiterate the importance of proactive friendship maintenance:

Aaron (33:11): "If you find that your friend circle is lacking, you could either make an excuse or you can do something about it. Be the reason, not the excuse."

Matt adds a final motivational push:

Matt (33:30): "We're in a different space here. Our space is activating friendships and being the friend. Stop being a sad sack. It's within your grasp to turn it all around very, very quickly."

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Quotes to Remember

• Aaron (10:31): "Be the reason you guys get together, not the excuse why you didn't."
• Matt (11:04): "Be the reason that high school or college crew is now doing some sort of get together or is on a group text again."
• Aaron (24:37): "Reframe being the planner as a badge of honor and recognize that your friends appreciate your efforts."

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Final Thoughts

Episode #137 offers a blend of humor, personal stories, and practical advice, encouraging listeners to take ownership of their friendships. By adopting the "Be The Reason, Not the Excuse" mindset, individuals can foster deeper connections and combat the loneliness that many face today.

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Stay Connected: For more insights and to join the conversation, visit manoftheherpodcast.com and follow them on YouTube and Instagram.

Transcript

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[Aaron King Row]

Man of the Year.

[Matt Ritter]

Man of the Year. Man of the Year.

[Aaron King Row]

Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Aaron King Row I'm Matt Ritter and make sure to go to manoftheherpodcast.com to grab our merch and watch our episodes on YouTube. Matt, let me ask you a question.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

Okay. We, we are currently recording on a Friday, correct? When do you consider next week to start?

[Matt Ritter]

Monday.

[Aaron King Row]

Okay. So I recently made friends of the made plans with a friend of mine, Arzu. Shout out to Arzu and and I go, it was a Sunday. We were talking on a Sunday. I go let's, let's hang out next week. She goes, oh. And she gives me a date that's two weeks away because she considers Sunday the beginning of the week. Oh, that's insane, right?

[Matt Ritter]

Well, no, because that's a little confusing if you're trying to make plans. It's a little confusing because people assume you're saying next week, as in, like, not this current coming week, even though she's saying next week. Like, I, I think because when you're like, oh, you want to hang out next week? They don't think that means in two days, because that feels soon.

[Aaron King Row]

If I talk to you on a Sunday and I say, let's talk next week, you think that means two weeks from now?

[Matt Ritter]

Yes. Yes, I do.

[Aaron King Row]

No, you don't.

[Matt Ritter]

I do 100.

[Aaron King Row]

No, I. I'm looking at Matt.

[Matt Ritter]

Sunday. If. So if it's Sunday and somebody says to me, let's hang out next week, that's not. They should say this week. If it's Sunday and they go, let's hang out, they should say, let's hang out this week. If they want to hang out Thursday. If they say, okay, so what week? That's.

[Aaron King Row]

What if it's Saturday, eight days, that's.

[Matt Ritter]

At least eight days from now.

[Aaron King Row]

So what if it's Saturday? I say, let's hang out next week. You think that means two weeks from now?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, because you're on the weekend. I think if you say you have to start saying next week for Friday if you, you want to do it that way.

[Aaron King Row]

Wow, I thought you were going to be on my side.

[Matt Ritter]

No, I think you're wrong. I think you're totally.

[Aaron King Row]

Hold on. It's Friday right now. So if I say, hey, you want to get together next week, you think that means two weeks from now?

[Matt Ritter]

No, no, I think Friday is the cut off for it to be this coming week.

[Aaron King Row]

So in the morning, if I text you in the morning, hey, you still want to get together next week and be like, whoa, what do you mean next week? You mean two weeks? You mean this week? I mean, come on, it's Saturday.

[Matt Ritter]

No, you're wrong. If you text me tomorrow morning, hey, do you still want to get together next week? I assume you mean at least nine calendar days.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh, shut up. Get the hell out.

[Matt Ritter]

I'm serious. You're dead wrong here. We have to ask our audience. Okay, audience, is Cairo crazy? Like, I think if you want to hang out with somebody that week, you go, hey, let's hang out this week. You say, let's hang out next week. That means there's. You're skipping that seven day period.

[Aaron King Row]

A week starts on a Monday, a week starts on a Monday.

[Matt Ritter]

No, but the phrasing of it. You want to hang out next week means the next one.

[Aaron King Row]

If it's any day besides Monday and you say next week, that means. I mean, don't. Don't even. You. Now you're just goading me.

[Matt Ritter]

No, you're wrong. I'm actually laughing because it is funny that you actually have such a bone to pick with such an obvious thing. If somebody. So it's. You're saying literally, it could be Sunday at 11:59pm you're saying that if somebody says, let's hang out next week, you think they mean tomorrow?

[Aaron King Row]

I think it means, you know, some point in the next seven days. Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

No, no, no, no. If they go, let's hang out next Monday, you think that means two minutes from now. If it's a lot of things.

[Aaron King Row]

If it was Sunday, that's different. But you. So I'm sorry, if it's Saturday and I say let's hang out the week after next, that's three weeks from now, according to you.

[Matt Ritter]

No, no, no, that's a different phrase. The week after next clearly means you're. You're counting this week as the next.

[Aaron King Row]

That doesn't make any sense because next week is not next week. No, no, we get to. Next is 2026 for you, man.

[Matt Ritter]

No, no, no, no. You're right in the sense that the week after next means two weeks from now. But if you're just talking about next week in isolation, you're also talking about not this coming week.

[Aaron King Row]

So if it's Saturday and I want to make plans with you for the following Thursday, what would I say?

[Matt Ritter]

You're saying five days from then.

[Aaron King Row]

Correct.

[Matt Ritter]

You want to hang out this Thursday. That's why. What about this? Why are you skipping the word this? You should be using this. This Thursday, not next. Next is confusing.

[Aaron King Row]

Okay, what if I want to hang out with you from my availability is Tuesday to Friday and it's only Saturday? What do I say? You want to hang out with this?

[Matt Ritter]

Yes. You want to hang out this week on a Saturday? You want to hang out this week? Yes. On a Saturday? Yes. This. The week's over.

[Aaron King Row]

There is no week. The week is gone.

[Matt Ritter]

You're on a weekend. This week is coming up this week.

[Aaron King Row]

I honestly thought this was going to be a softball. And this is the most contentious debate we've ever had.

[Matt Ritter]

I think you're out of your mind. You're not using the term this. You're skipping over this. When is this week going to be next week?

[Aaron King Row]

Soon.

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, it is, by the way. You know how many people have, have, have been flaked on or, like, missed plans because of this problem that we're having right now?

[Aaron King Row]

So, okay, I'm gonna give it up in one second, but if you had, we had. Let's say we have a. So by the way, in real life, Matt, in real life, we have a call on Monday, a big call. Are you saying we have a call next week?

[Matt Ritter]

I'm saying we have a call this week. It's right.

[Aaron King Row]

Shut the up, Shut up. Just shut up. I can't, I can't.

[Matt Ritter]

No, I wouldn't say we have a.

[Aaron King Row]

Call because I'm so.

[Matt Ritter]

I wouldn't say we have a call next week. I, we have a call this week. This Monday. If you said to me today on a Friday. Well, I told you Friday is the cutoff, so. But if you said it to me tomorrow, it'd be, it would get really confusing.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh, God. Wow. I really, I, I, well, this, I, I, this is going to be a, maybe a elegant transition because we're in this kind of contentious sort of half fun, half debate, and you and I have been talking a lot about Mel Robbins, who was like the, you know, new guru. The new guru and her huge, huge book is called Let Them. The Let Them theory.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

Which is basically Let them. And this is kind of like, Should I just say that to you? Like, let them. Like, you, you have a crazy.

[Matt Ritter]

Let Matt have his theories, let Cairo have his, have his ideas.

[Aaron King Row]

Let them. Even though, even though we'll never get together, we'll miss all of our meetings, but let them just let them.

[Matt Ritter]

Let them. Just let them.

[Richard Karn]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

If they think this week is next week and next week is two weeks, let them just let them. Just let them not show up for the most important meeting that we've ever had because they are convinced this week is next week.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh, God.

[Matt Ritter]

Remember, remember last night when we tried to figure out what let them means and neither of us could.

[Aaron King Row]

I think it's just let people do whatever you want. They hit you with their car. Let them.

[Matt Ritter]

He really is it just sweat the, don't sweat the small stuff. I'm like, yeah, it's that also just letting people's emotional, not baggage, not getting into your way.

[Aaron King Row]

What would you call sort of like, not like this type of advice? Like, is there a term for sort of life wisdom? Sort of. Because we're going to give our own.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I think it's more like internal self help.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh, interesting.

[Matt Ritter]

Right? Because a lot of self help is, like, doing things externally, like tweaking this, tweaking that.

[Aaron King Row]

Working mindset.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Right. So this is more mindset. Self help.

[Aaron King Row]

Okay.

[Matt Ritter]

And mindset is obviously like the buzzword of the moment. Right?

[Aaron King Row]

And the guru.

[Matt Ritter]

And the guru landscape. But I love that. Let Them is the number one best selling book. Let them. Oh, if you're. Listen, if your kid wants to jump down the flight of stairs, let him. Let him. If your kid wants to walk into the pool without a gate, let him.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh my God.

[Matt Ritter]

If your kid wants to drink gasoline, let him. Don't let it bother you. Do not let his shenanigans. Do not let your 2 year old son Brenner's shenanigans affect your emotional state. What?

[Aaron King Row]

Let. Oh, man.

[Richard Karn]

Oh, Lord.

[Aaron King Row]

I'm exhausted. So we're gonna. We're rolling out our own friendship mindset tip today. And that is be the reason, not the excuse. Be the reason, not the excuse. And you know what this means essentially is that if you are feeling like your social fitness or social life or your friendship contact is lacking, be the reason you guys get together, not the excuse why you didn't.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Be the reason that you guys have a weekly dinner. Be the reason that you guys have an annual tradition. Be the reason that you take casual walks with somebody. Don't be the excuse for. Oh, man, I never see my friends. Oh, my God. I'm like trapped in this house. Oh my God. I just, like, my wife has all these friends and I just have these buddies from college and I've never talked to you anymore. I just stopped talking to them. Don't be the excuse. Be the reason. Be the reason that high school or college crew is now doing, you know, some sort of get together or is on a group text again.

[Aaron King Row]

What's interesting is that Matt, you know, in our work in the field, when we talk to guys, they often do have friends. You know, there. There are obviously some cases where you've moved away or you've lost touch, but we have a lot of guy listeners who have friends, but they just like, oh, I haven't talked to him in six months. Two years, you know, 10 years. Yeah, you know, I just don't really reach out or whatever. We see each other occasionally at, you know, kids, soccer games. And what we're saying is, okay, those are all excuses why you're not seeing your friend. Why don't you just be the reason why you are seeing them?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I had a guy come over. You'll appreciate this. Had a guy come over for a shoot here and he was in his 50s. Maybe, maybe 60, late 50s, early 60s. And we got to talking about the friendship pod. As you know, I always drop it into every convo.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

And he was like, I love that. That's so great. He saw the COVID of us Something is that like. So I gave him the whole spiel and I always, I always ask people, you know, because people do always want to talk about their friends. That's the amazing thing about this. They always want to talk about. And I, he said, well, you know, my wife has a healthy friend crew, I have a healthy friend crew, but I just don't see him anymore. And I was like, well, okay, so there's a little disconnect in those two things you just said. You just said you had a healthy friend crew, but you don't see them anymore. And he goes, well, none of them live here anymore. So on the one hand it's like, it's great that you have, you know, a healthy relationship with those people, but you don't actually have a healthy friend crew if none of your friends live in your city. You don't, you're not socially fit. You know, we've talked about this, we've, we have that as one of our questions on our social fitness test on the algorithm is proximity. Right. And it's like if a lot of people come to us because they've moved or their friends have moved, and it's great to maintain those long distance relationships. I think. I'm not going to say that's not important, but you can't say that you have a healthy social life or your social fitness or your friendship circle is healthy if you don't have a single friend that you can call up just to get a coffee with. Right.

[Aaron King Row]

Proximity is very important. And you know, in that case, you know, in that case it's, it's, it behooves, you know, this guy to try to make a local friend.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

Which of course we know the first tip to do that is ask your friends in your other city if they know anybody in la. Friends of friends. But yeah, but I think the broader, the broader thing is that, like, there's a lot of. This dovetails a lot with our, one of our biggest tenants, which is be the friend. There's a lot of passiveness. Passivity. Passiveness.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

Which is the word.

[Matt Ritter]

Passivity.

[Aaron King Row]

Passive passivity. We'll have to look that up. But especially with men of like, well, my friends don't live here or I haven't seen my friends. They're synonymous.

[Matt Ritter]

Can I tell you a bad Sign that I had re. When March Madness was going on, I had a bad sign from the universe. I went to go watch with a friend. There's two big sports bars in my neighborhood. One of them, I walked in and the guy looked at me like I had a third eye or like a second head when I go, hey, are, are you playing any of the games? Like, had no idea that the tournament was happening this year. He's like, all the TVs aren't working, whatever. So I go to the second place. You know, the games.

[Aaron King Row]

I'm sorry, the sports bar proprietor didn't know.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes, yes. The second place wasn't even open till five on NCAA tournament day one. Which is crazy because the game started at 9:30 and me and my buddy went and there were only eight people in the bar. And it's just, I don't know, I just felt like it was such a symptom of, you know, just the lack of effort. Even on the lowest hanging fruit of days to get together with your friends.

[Aaron King Row]

Debating whether I want to like, well, it's a weekday, people have jobs. But I guess in New York the bars are pretty, pretty.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I know. I wanted to say that too. I was like, oh, maybe, you know, we're just getting older, whatever, blah, blah. I'm like, no, no NCAA tournament first two days. Like there should be enough people to fill up both of those sports bars. These are really good sports bars with TVs everywhere. And I went to the, I went to the second prior. I was like, where is everybody? What's going on? He's like, you tell me, man.

[Aaron King Row]

I wonder if that's just general malaise.

[Matt Ritter]

That we haven't cracked. Post Covid. Yeah, where most people are being the excuse and not the reason.

[Aaron King Row]

It's funny, I was just gonna say post Covid, but I thought that like, I thought the trends were like, now more people traveled in 2024 than any other year. And I thought we went, we, we overcorrected. Is that not necessarily so?

[Matt Ritter]

I live in a neighborhood that I think is more our age demo and it's more like married dads. And I think they're in the worst shape, you know, and they're the ones that obviously come to us all the time and the dms that need the most help and their watch comes up the most. So I think in particular my neighborhood sports bar that would cater to guys that are, you know, dads that are going to have to get together and like somebody's got to put in the effort to get the dad, Dad's out.

[Aaron King Row]

Like, nobody's Right, right. That's interesting. I mean, the other plays didn't even have the games on. I mean, that's, you know, that's, that's on them.

[Matt Ritter]

It was, it's just weird. I don't know. We, and, and then, yeah, we were like, oh, should we get in a, an Uber and you know, go all the way to your neighborhood? But it's like, you know, then it's like an hour, you know, back and forth.

[Aaron King Row]

You lose all that time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. And again, I think this sounds simplistic, but because buddies aren't texting their friends and be like, hey, want to watch the game? That's literally all that's missing. Which is what you would have done when you were 25.

[Matt Ritter]

Exactly. And I think as we're getting older, we're dropping some of these good habits. Right?

[Aaron King Row]

All right.

[Matt Ritter]

It's like, it's an obvious thing. Day one of the NCAA tournament, obviously you should be texting your friends like, hey, anybody want to leave work early? Of course you want to leave work early. Who doesn't want to leave work early?

[Aaron King Row]

Let me ask, give me, give you hypothetical, Matt. Okay. You are a, you know, 40 something, married dad. You haven't talked to your buddy Jim in six months. Very common among the men. You want to invite him to, you know, watch a game, do whatever. You haven't talked to him in six months. What do you, what's your advice?

[Matt Ritter]

So, you know, I don't think you need to go over the top of rehashing any of that stuff, but you could just casually mention I like the, hey, miss you, buddy, going to watch a game. Like, very cash cool, but like, indicating, like, I noticed that we haven't seen each other in a while. You know, just, I would say, I would say, miss you, buddy. I'm watching a game. We want to come, come catch up, you know.

[Aaron King Row]

Can I pitch you something?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

What do you think about skipping over that first part and just pretending like, whatever.

[Matt Ritter]

No, you can. I, I think that's totally right. I think either way, I, I said, personally, I like to give like a slight acknowledgment of the, that too much time has elapsed for my liking. I'm like, I'm, it's basically me saying like, hey, you know, I, I, I want us to be more, more, more consistent with this thing.

[Aaron King Row]

But this, I, I worry that that may create a barrier to our men of like, well, now I gotta write this thing like Just.

[Matt Ritter]

Just. No. And I think, again, like, I think for. That's. That's why it's like, the NCAA tournament's good, but there's all these things that are good on the calendar where it's like, it's assumed you can reach out to anybody for that.

[Aaron King Row]

And we should also state the person who's receiving your text is. Is pretty happy to receive the text.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes. You're the only person that day that asked them to do something.

[Aaron King Row]

You know, and we know this both from anecdotal evidence, but also studies have shown that, like, people like bids for attention. Like, you know.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I take it back. You're probably the only person that send them a text all week inviting them to something.

[Aaron King Row]

Yeah, exactly.

[Matt Ritter]

You're not getting invites all the time.

[Aaron King Row]

Right. So, you know, the excuse there would be. Well, I haven't talked to Jim in six months, and the reason to get together is. You're the reason. You're the reason. Hey, hey. He's gonna go to his wife. Hey, Matt just texted me and his wife. His wife's gonna be like, great. Yeah, get the F out of the house, Matt.

[Matt Ritter]

And it's just, you know, again, we. We're hammering some of the stuff we've already talked about, but I think, you know, phrasing it like this be the reason, not the excuse. There's a motivational element that we're giving you guys. You know, this is your, like, this is your pump up statement here. This is, you know, the let. That is our. Let them.

[Aaron King Row]

Matt, can you. Can you dispel a limiting belief for us? Yeah, I'm gonna tell you what it is.

[Matt Ritter]

Go ahead.

[Aaron King Row]

Well, it's easier to be the excuse.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, it's actually not easier. It's easier to have a healthy friend group. It's easier to get through your weeks with something to look forward to. It's easier to not be alone, wondering what happened to your friends, when you could just as easily send a text going, want to watch a game?

[Aaron King Row]

Be the reason, not the excuse.

[Matt Ritter]

Simple stuff. Let them.

[Aaron King Row]

Should we take a listening question?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

All right, we'll be right back.

[Richard Karn]

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[Aaron King Row]

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[Richard Karn]

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[Aaron King Row]

Is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram man of the Year podcast and we'll answer it on the show. So Matt, I just want to preface that like you know we have this stack of unanswered questions and I apologize we're getting to them as quickly as I can. I pulled this one because I thought it was appropriate, but I feel like it may touch on some stuff we have touched on. So I'm giving you free license if you want to freelance after the question. So Dear Matt and Cairo, I feel like the unofficial social chair of My friend group and honestly, I'm kind of over it. If I don't text first, my friend name checks them, my friends Sam, Tara and Jordan and just assume someone else will make the move, AKA me. So I love spending time with them, but I also would love for them to occasionally take the initiative. How do I nudge them into planning something or anything without me?

[Matt Ritter]

We've definitely touched on this before, but I think it warrants a conversation at the moment. Number one is we've talked about friendship roles and you just always going to be in every friend group that somebody is more inclined to take the lead on the plans. Now that doesn't mean I agree with the fact that you're making all the plans all the time. But I think reframing that as a badge of honor and something that your friends really look to you for could be helpful as opposed to looking at it as a burden. That's the first thing I'd say of like, you don't realize and maybe your friends aren't showing enough appreciation, which they should, but I guarantee you they really appreciate that you're the one doing this. So first and foremost. And like without you, the friend crew would fall apart. It's like I always say, you know, in every community there's like a couple of people that keep that whole community together and they never are going to get enough praise. They can't get enough praise because without them the whole thing falls apart. You're never going to get enough praise. But ask yourself, look yourself in the mirror and say, is this why I'm doing it? Right. You're doing it because it comes naturally to you and you like doing it and you want to see these people. So that's, that's the first thing I'd say. I don't know. Do you think that there is a way to get other people to nudge. That's the part I'm not totally sure on. What are your thoughts on like proper ways to get the other person to act?

[Aaron King Row]

Well, first, let's talk man of the year nomenclature. This is a classic case of planners and fanners. Planners are the natural born people organizing stuff. And the Fanners are sitting there fanning themselves and asking for the Venmo costs. As a planner, by the way, there is one additional benefit of being the planner that you have to say in what you guys are doing. You control it, you know.

[Matt Ritter]

Yes, actually that's, that's a, that's a big one. It's a huge one.

[Aaron King Row]

You're doing what you want to do.

[Matt Ritter]

Most of the time.

[Aaron King Row]

Right, right. But I, and I, and I do. I've been there when it starts to chafe a little. When it's like if I don't do this then it's not going to happen and then nobody's going to have a good time. It's like game theory.

[Matt Ritter]

Yep, yep.

[Aaron King Row]

You also have some responsibility.

[Matt Ritter]

Look, it's a bird. It is. I see why you could feel it's a burden or responsibility.

[Aaron King Row]

So you know, what we've said is a couple things in the past. Number one, if you're a fanner, we, we really encourage a little bit more self awareness which doesn't mean that you just A pre. Gratitude and appreciation goes a long way. Hey, we're buying the fanner first round. The planner first round. Hey planner. Thank you. We appreciate you. We would never be able to do this without you. That's base level.

[Matt Ritter]

I think there is something to be said too like over a certain course of time, you gotta do something more than a thank you every now and then.

[Aaron King Row]

Yes.

[Matt Ritter]

Get a gift. Now we've talked about like get a gift for the guy that's planning everything forever.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh my God. This just reminded me of. It was like maybe 1999, 2000, we were in college and there was one guy who always like got everybody else weed. Like he just knew the, the dealer guy.

[Matt Ritter]

One guy? Yeah. There's always a guy. Yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

And then one day one of the guy, one of our, one of the fanners, he got weed for the guy and just stapled it to his door. It was just as like as a thank you and I never forgot it.

[Matt Ritter]

Wow. I've always thought, I never wanted to go beyond knowing that one guy in the drug pyramid.

[Aaron King Row]

Oh my God.

[Matt Ritter]

You know, like I, I don't like the people who know the guy beyond that guy. I only want to know the guy that's in polite society who has a connect.

[Aaron King Row]

How many levels do you think it goes? You think it's like pretty. A flat hierarchy structure. Higher. A flat organizational structure when you're drug dealing or.

[Matt Ritter]

No. Yeah, I think there are a lot of layers. So. Okay, so let's think about this. Okay. So there's like the guy in our friend crew. He's probably getting it from another guy in another pretty normal friend crew probably who's a little more connected. Right. He's like his, he's almost like his multi level marketing guy, you know, like juice. He's like another guy. That guy knows somebody who's in a gang or. No. Is that like.

[Aaron King Row]

No. I think that guy knows like the guy who's got the beepers distribution channel.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah, but that guy's not a drug. Not a gang person.

[Aaron King Row]

No, I don't think, I don't think it's really gangs anymore.

[Matt Ritter]

Is it cartels?

[Aaron King Row]

Well, also there's no such thing as weed dealers anymore in California, right?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, there's growers. Right, but what if it was like a hard drug? Right? It's like, so there's like the cartel and then there's like four layers, you think? Four or five layers.

[Aaron King Row]

Yeah, they probably go to like in, in. I can't remember what book it was one of Malcolm Gladwell's outliers or one of those books. Yeah, he like does and studies the organized organizational structure of a gang.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh yeah.

[Aaron King Row]

And he was like, this is more like organized than like.

[Matt Ritter]

They got a lot of middle managers. Yeah, they got a lot of middle.

[Aaron King Row]

A lot of middle managers, Matt. You'd be surprised how many middle managers are there are in gangs. And when they let you go, they let you go.

[Matt Ritter]

What were we talking about? How did we end up here?

[Aaron King Row]

We were talking about planning something. So you have to do something more than thank you and gratitude? Yes.

[Matt Ritter]

No, but I wanted to ask you, how do we get. The other part of the question is, is there actually a feasible, viable way to get the non planning members of a friend crew to be more active on that end?

[Aaron King Row]

I think it's necessity is the mother of invention. You know, you're like, okay, I always, I always put together the, the Memorial Day barbecue. I guys, I can't do it this year because I have a work thing. You're on your own. And like they're going to have to figure it out and they probably will.

[Matt Ritter]

Right? So I was thinking that. But also maybe slightly different is delegating of like try to rope them into some things so that like it's now like, let's try to normalize that they're part of your plan. Part of your plan. Like delegating tasks. You can do that. Like you don't have to always. A lot of people who are planners, they also kind of have that like, you know, burned at the cross, you know, like it's all on me. When it's not like martyred. Martyred, martyr. That couldn't. Couldn't think of the word. It's not all on you. Like, I think most of the time if you're like, hey man, can you just send out this text to these five people? They're gonna do it. Or can you Call the rest. You call the. Don't even ask. You don't even ask. If you're a planner. It's a big thing. It's like, hey, I need you to call this restaurant. Did you make the res. Make the rice?

[Aaron King Row]

Right? Yeah. It's funny in my. When you know, you. You planned something recently. You had some people over in your backyard. I just brought the ice. You didn't even ask me. You. You're such a. I'm such a planner that I delegated myself.

[Matt Ritter]

I told Cairo. I know. I told him. So I told Jess, I said, do we need anything? She goes, carol's probably going to bring ice.

[Aaron King Row]

No, she didn't.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, nice. Yeah, nice.

[Aaron King Row]

I love the delegating. And by the way, do you know, you know, we have a new term that we're using for sort of high level planners, People who really have dedicated their lives to being generous and making plan to their friends. We call them a plant.

[Matt Ritter]

Planist.

[Aaron King Row]

A planthropist.

[Matt Ritter]

We're circulating that, guys. We're circulating.

[Aaron King Row]

So I think. I think. I think we have touched on this before, but I think we answered it, which is that if you're the planner. I'm sorry. If you're the Fanner, show gratitude. And occasionally plan yourself. And if you are the planner, lean into it. Appreciate your role. And occasionally, you know, the Fanners might not even know that you. You are upset. So you gotta let them know.

[Matt Ritter]

I think that sums it up.

[Aaron King Row]

I love it. All right, guys, that was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram man of your podcast, and we'll answer it on the show. Matt, any final thoughts on Be the reason, not the excuse.

[Matt Ritter]

My thought is it's better than let them.

[Aaron King Row]

Let them, let them. I've been saying it around the house all the time, like, stub my toe, let them. I mean, it means nothing.

[Matt Ritter]

Listen, I told you Brenner had a. Had a match in his hand. You know.

[Aaron King Row]

Just let them. I mean, there is something freeing about.

[Matt Ritter]

Not giving a. Yeah, but listen, we're in a different space here. Our space is activating friendships and being the friend and stop being a sad sack. It's not. It's within your grasp to turn it all around very, very quickly. We've had a lot of great success stories from our listeners who reach out to us all the time. I love nothing more than the DMs, where people are like, you know, I've been following you for like a year, and then they just tell us their friend circle now. And I'm like, amazing.

[Aaron King Row]

Yeah. Yeah. And if you find that your friend circle is lacking, you could either make an excuse or you can do something about it. Be the reason, not the excuse. All right, guys, thank you so much for listening. Really appreciate it. Give us your stories about planners and fanners. Always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.

[Matt Ritter]

Love you, buddy.

[Richard Karn]

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[Matt Ritter]

We thought it was intimacy issues, but.

[Richard Karn]

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[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron King Row]

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[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron King Row]

Not right now.

[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron King Row]

That's okay.

[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron King Row]

Oh, mints.

[Matt Ritter]

Really, I'm fine. Oh, I have raisins. I'm a mom. Wait, wait one sec. I've got cupcakes in the car.

[Richard Karn]

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[Matt Ritter]

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[Richard Karn]

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