#141 - Long Distance Friendships

Summary

Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship
Episode #141 - Long Distance Friendships
Release Date: July 22, 2025

In this engaging episode of Man of the Year, friendship experts and comedians Matt Ritter and Aaron Caro delve into the intricate dynamics of long-distance friendships. Addressing the growing "friendship recession" where 15% of men report having zero close friends, Ritter and Caro provide insightful tips, relatable anecdotes, and practical strategies to help listeners nurture and maintain friendships across distances.

Personal Experiences with Long-Distance Friendships

The conversation kicks off with Ritter and Caro sharing their personal experiences with long-distance relationships, establishing a relatable foundation for the discussion.

• Aaron Caro recounts his time dating Alicia during law school, where their relationship spanned multiple cities: "I coined the term double long distance because it wasn't like there was, we could go back to the same place and visit. Now, we lived in two different places from the original place" (01:58).

• Matt Ritter reflects on his own experience managing a long-distance relationship while attending UPenn, highlighting the challenges of maintaining connections over extended periods: "I think long distance just implies you're in two different cities... It's not supposed to be a relationship plus city" (02:18).

These anecdotes set the stage for a broader exploration of long-distance friendships, emphasizing that distance doesn't have to spell the end of meaningful connections.

Challenges in Maintaining Long-Distance Friendships

Ritter and Caro candidly discuss the inherent difficulties in sustaining friendships across distances, emphasizing communication barriers and the emotional toll of infrequent interactions.

• Matt Ritter articulates the struggle of rekindling long-distance friendships: "The longer you go without talking to them, the harder it becomes... I find the long distance ones the hardest to reignite" (08:56).

• The hosts introduce the concept of "Landi," a term for vague and unstructured check-ins that often leave the recipient uncertain about the sender's intentions: "That's what we call a landi, which is when you ask something super vague and you're like, I don't know how to respond to this because I don't know what you want" (12:16).

Practical Tips for Optimizing Long-Distance Friendships

Drawing from an article in Self Magazine, Ritter and Caro outline several strategies to strengthen long-distance friendships, offering listeners actionable advice.

1. Align Communication Habits (07:51)

   Establishing consistent and mutually agreeable communication patterns is crucial. Ritter emphasizes the importance of clarity in expectations: "We're... trying to identify tweaks that you can make with certain friendships to level them up, but also assess whether a friendship is what it is."

2. Get Creative with Interactions (07:54)

   Moving beyond traditional texting and calls, the hosts suggest incorporating varied forms of communication to keep interactions lively: "You could also send memes. You can do FaceTimes. It doesn't necessarily have to be a regularly scheduled call."

3. Be Specific with Check-Ins (09:44)

   Instead of generic messages like "How's life?", being specific can foster more meaningful conversations. Caro proposes focusing on particular aspects of the friend's life: "How did that big project you're working on go? Anything particularly exciting happen?"

   Ritter adds a personal touch by sharing how regional events can serve as check-in catalysts: "Like, I saw there was a fire or an earthquake... you could also send a message about a local event like the Super Bowl."

4. Adapt Old Routines to New Circumstances (14:12)

   Transforming shared activities into virtual or adapted versions helps maintain a sense of normalcy. For example, if friends used to watch Friday night games together, they could do so over Zoom or FaceTime while each enjoys a drink in their respective locations.

5. Create New Ways to Keep Relationships Exciting (15:40)

   Introducing new shared activities can invigorate long-distance friendships. Caro suggests listening to a new album simultaneously and discussing it, fostering a fresh common interest.

6. Express Gratitude (15:56)

   Regularly reminding friends of their importance reinforces the bond. Simple messages like “I really appreciate you” or “I miss you” can go a long way in making a friend feel valued despite the distance.

Listener Question: High-Quality, Low-Frequency Friendships

A listener, referred to as "Asking for a Friend," poses a question about maintaining a high-quality friendship with low frequency: "I have a friend who I see once or twice a year, but every time we hang out it's magic. Between visits, months go by without much contact. Are high-quality, low-frequency friendships a thing?" (18:19)

• Matt Ritter affirms the existence and value of such friendships: "They're definitely a thing. I think there's something very special about those."

• The hosts discuss the importance of connective tissue—consistent, albeit infrequent, interactions that keep the friendship alive: "Maybe it's just quarterly. And maybe it's just something to keep you connected throughout the year."

• They also emphasize the necessity of communication: "You have to communicate your desires, see if that person wants to reciprocate, and find a middle ground."

Additional Insights and Strategies

Ritter and Caro expand on the idea of social diversity, advocating for a varied friendship "menu" that includes work friends, home friends, fringe friends, and long-distance friends. This diversity enriches one's social life and offers multiple avenues for support and connection.

• Exposure to New Experiences: Long-distance friends can introduce you to different cities, cultures, and activities. Caro mentions, "Now you get to visit them, play tour guide in your own city, they have new experiences... you get exposure to all this stuff."

• Assessing Your Social Universe: Ritter encourages listeners to evaluate their broader social circles to ensure they're not overly reliant on a few long-distance friends, which can strain those relationships.

Final Thoughts and Encouragement

As the episode wraps up, Ritter and Caro reiterate the importance of intentionality in friendships. They remind listeners that maintaining friendships, especially long-distance ones, requires effort, clarity, and genuine appreciation.

• Aaron Caro emphasizes, "Friends aren't mind readers. You could say, hey, we should do something more regular."

• Matt Ritter concludes with a note on cherishing magical moments: "That magic feeling you want to capture and bring it with you everywhere. And you want that to be every time you see them."

Conclusion

Episode #141 of Man of the Year offers a comprehensive exploration of long-distance friendships, blending personal anecdotes with practical advice. Matt Ritter and Aaron Caro effectively address the challenges and rewards of maintaining friendships across distances, providing listeners with valuable insights to enhance their social connections. Whether you're navigating the nuances of communication or seeking ways to keep your friendships vibrant, this episode serves as a valuable resource for building lifelong social fitness.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Matt Ritter: "The longer you go without talking to them, the harder it becomes... I find the long distance ones the hardest to reignite." (08:56)

• Aaron Caro: "We coining the term double long distance because it wasn't like there was, we could go back to the same place and visit." (01:58)

• Matt Ritter: "Friends aren't mind readers. You could say, hey, we should do something more regular." (20:42)

• Aaron Caro: "There’s something very special about those high-quality, low-frequency friendships." (20:19)

• Matt Ritter: "When somebody checks in on me... it's just them saying, hey, I'm your friend, I care." (11:23)

---

Note: Timestamps correspond to the podcast transcript segments and are indicative of the discussion flow.

Transcript

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[Aaron Caro]

Man of the Year.

[Matt Ritter]

Man of the Year. Man of the Year.

[Aaron Caro]

Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Aaron Caro.

[Matt Ritter]

I'm Matt Ritter.

[Aaron Caro]

We are the friendship guys. We help you make and maintain friendships that last. Matt, we go back to second grade. Long time. When you're describing something that happened in, let's say, 2005, 6, 7, 8, what do you refer to that time period as?

[Matt Ritter]

The odds.

[Aaron Caro]

You say the odds.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. What do you say?

[Aaron Caro]

I said the odds too, but I thought you were going to give me an argument against it.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, I don't even know what the other option would be.

[Aaron Caro]

People say early 2000s, which doesn't make any sense.

[Matt Ritter]

Early 2000s. Well, I guess if it was 2002, you could.

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

Maybe do that. But for 2008, that doesn't feel right.

[Aaron Caro]

So do you remember in the mid aughts. Actually, let me ask you this question. Have you ever had a long distance relationship?

[Matt Ritter]

Yes. You, you know this when, when I was in law school.

[Aaron Caro]

Do I know this?

[Matt Ritter]

I don't want to.

[Aaron Caro]

What would, what would, what were the cities?

[Matt Ritter]

She was in Los Angeles at UCLA Law School and I was at UPenn.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay, so that's pretty far.

[Matt Ritter]

Two years.

[Aaron Caro]

So if you recall in the mid aughts when I was dating Alicia, we both, me and her both lived in New York. And then at the same time I moved to LA and she moved to Atlanta and I, I coined the term double long distance because it wasn't like there was. We could go back to the same place and visit. Now, we lived in two different places from the original place.

[Matt Ritter]

Is that double long distance or isn't that just.

[Aaron Caro]

For our listeners? When Matt, like is not picking up what I'm putting down, he, like squints his eyes. Is that like, like I'm trying to pull a fast one on him?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, it does feel like it. Because long distance just implies you're in two different cities.

[Aaron Caro]

No, because you could have.

[Matt Ritter]

You could have.

[Aaron Caro]

You, you fly to la, you're Visiting your girlfriend. She flies to Philly. She's visiting you. When I. And you visiting your family, you're visiting her. I mean, I guess I'm saying it out loud. It doesn't make as much sense. Like going to Atlanta. I could only visit my girl, my girlfriend. I can't just.

[Matt Ritter]

People are. Most people are only going to visit their relationship partner. It's not supposed to be a relationship plus city. So if I recall. If I recall, when you would go visit her, it was only because it was near your office in New York.

[Aaron Caro]

But are we saying that I broke up with her? I was too hasty because I was like, I can't do this. You live in Atlanta now.

[Matt Ritter]

Let's not re litigate your relationship choices, please.

[Aaron Caro]

I just. I like things to be optimized. If I'm flying somewhere, I gotta see my mom, I gotta see my girlfriend, I gotta see my friends.

[Matt Ritter]

I don't see long distance working for you.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, man. Well, yeah, there is some upside, which is that they're not around all the time.

[Matt Ritter]

I think that was. That worked out pretty well, actually, for my dad in his second marriage. She lived in Brazil and he lived in Queens.

[Aaron Caro]

Didn't they have, like, a pretty good marriage?

[Matt Ritter]

It was great. But then she didn't know that he was a gambler. So he would disappear for weeks on end, and she'd be like, I'm worried about him. Like, nah, he's fine.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, man. Were you. Would she reach out to you guys?

[Matt Ritter]

Yes. And I was like, dad, I don't really. I don't want to lie for you. And he's like, I didn't ask you to lie. I'm like, yeah, but your. Your Brazilian wife is calling me, and she thinks you're dead. So you are asking me to lie for you. If I'm acting all calm like, oh, yeah, my dad's definitely fine. Like, she's like, wow, these kids are really, like, blase about their dad's whereabouts for weeks on end.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, man.

[Matt Ritter]

We would strategize. Like, if I remember, like, Kimmy and Jack, like, what are we gonna tell this woman? Like, dad, you gotta tell her you're a gambler. You're in Foxwoods this week.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, your imitation of your dad saying, I didn't ask you to get live. It's just. Is what a legend.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Legend. But, yeah, so, you know, long distance work for him. But I think, yeah, I think it's better to be in the same city as your. As your relationship partner. I think it's ideal.

[Aaron Caro]

I agree And Matt, in our pod, we have done a few social fitness tests where we go through the different rubrics of friendship. And you kind of rate how it's going. And one of those is proximity, which is, do you have friends who live nearby? Because it's important to have people that you can hang out with who can pop in, in your case, who you can, who can, you can literally touch, you know, hug, handshake, gotta get your.

[Matt Ritter]

Hands on the man.

[Aaron Caro]

But we actually have not ever talked about the opposite, which is long distance friendships, which now that everyone moves around so much, is becoming more and more common. Any sort of. So I want to talk about some tips for long distance friendships, but any just sort of overalls on the importance or the pitfalls, things like that.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. So on the pro side, I love going to another city and having a friend there, like a true friend. I think it's the best when you have people in all these different cities or all over the world. Like when you travel and you go somewhere and you actually have a friend to show you around, there's nothing better than that. That's one pro. Two is, you know, obviously we talk about proximity being important, but you shouldn't let a friendship fall by the wayside because of lack of proximity. Right. Just because somebody moves away doesn't mean the friendship should be over. It is gonna have to change, but it doesn't mean it's gonna be over. And you never know where you're gonna be in life too. I mean, you know, seasons. Yeah, Seasons, you may move back, they move, they move back. You just don't know how it's gonna shake out. And I think it's also beneficial.

[Aaron Caro]

In.

[Matt Ritter]

Some ways for people who aren't in the same city to be a sounding board for you because they're maybe a little more objective about things if they're not in the muck with you every single day.

[Aaron Caro]

There's nothing that Matt loves more than an objective sounding board. He loves those.

[Matt Ritter]

I do, I do like a good sounding board. I got a lot of sounding boards, OSBs.

[Aaron Caro]

And it's actually important to have an OSB in your life.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. And so I think on some level the long distance people get, you know, get to be a good osb.

[Aaron Caro]

So Self magazine, which to be honest, I didn't know still existed, has a great article on tips for optimizing your long distance friendships. I wanted to talk to you about a few of them, Matt, and kind of get your take. One of them is. Or the first one is sort of is aligning your communication habits, which is like, let's make sure you're on the same page like your dad and his wife. Are we going to talk every day? Is this going to be a weekly thing? Is going to be sporadic, Is going to be often. So you're not like, where the hell is my friend?

[Matt Ritter]

I like that.

[Aaron Caro]

The another one is getting a little bit more creative. A little bit. We've talked about pebbling before on the pod, which is that yes, text calls, emails are good, but you know, you could also send memes. You can do FaceTimes. You know, it doesn't necessarily have to be a regularly scheduled call.

[Matt Ritter]

I like that too. I was going to say, no, these are all good. It just hit me that I struggle sometimes with long distance friendships. The longer you go without talking to them, the harder it becomes. I mean, that's how it is for all friendships, but I think doubly so for somebody, you know, you're not going to run into to like grease the wheels for that convo. Like there's nothing that's going to grease the wheels easier for you to get back into that convo. I find it very challenging to reignite. You know, we talk about reigniting friendships. I find the long distance ones the hardest to reignite. So I'm curious if they had any tips on their list.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, I mean, Matt, you've always said the longer you go without contact, the harder it is to send that first text again.

[Matt Ritter]

Exponentially.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, yeah. What does exponentially mean?

[Matt Ritter]

It doesn't go up by a factor of one. It goes up by a factor of multiples. Right. It's not twice as the next day. It's twice as hard. The day after that is four times hard. The next day after that, 16 times as hard next day. You know, exponents like the square of it. So the next that is, whatever. 16 times 16.

[Aaron Caro]

So we're saying after five days it's a billion times harder. Right.

[Matt Ritter]

I think that's what I'm saying. I think that's right. I think that is right. No, after five years, it's like a billion times harder to text or call a friend who lives in another city.

[Aaron Caro]

So this next one actually really resonates with me because I've, I have a few friends in Israel. I WhatsApp with who, like I may never. I, you know, it may be years until I see them. And the, the article says be specific with your check ins. You know, if you just say like, my friend literally just texted me, how's life? Which Is nice. Let's not, you know, diss it. But it's like, well, I haven't responded yet because like, what do I say? I got to think about it. So, you know, it's, it's more like, how did that, you know, big project you're working on go? Anything like, particularly exciting happen? Have you traveled recently?

[Matt Ritter]

You know what I like, not like, but I find it funny that because we have earthquakes here, that's always when I get my long distance check ins.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

[Matt Ritter]

How don't you always get people who are like, hey, how are you doing? I saw there was a fire or an earthquake. Because of natural disasters, we get a lot of check ins here. So regional stuff could be good. Like, oh, super bowl was just there, or a windstorm just hit or a tornado just hit, or the rodeo. I saw the rodeo is in your town.

[Aaron Caro]

Could we, could there be a natural disaster hack where if someone is within, let's say 200 miles of a natural disaster, you can throw a check in just as an excuse.

[Matt Ritter]

It's a great idea.

[Aaron Caro]

Heard that helicopter went down. Like, are you okay? Like, I live in Connecticut.

[Matt Ritter]

The natural disaster check in, like, even.

[Aaron Caro]

Though you know they're fine.

[Matt Ritter]

That's right. Because I actually think most of the time when people are doing it, they know I'm fine.

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

I actually think it's just a way of saying I value our friendship. Yeah, that's it. When somebody checks in on you. When a friend checks in on me. When there's an earthquake in la, Rarely do I think, oh, they're really worried that my house caved in. It's just them saying, hey, I'm your friend, I care. This is my way of showing you on this particular day.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, that's totally true. Like when the fires happened and thankfully I wasn't in danger. But a lot of people are like, are you okay? Did you evacuate? I'm like, no, you know, I didn't evacuate, but I appreciate it anyway.

[Matt Ritter]

And that's the proper response. A lot of times people are like, what are you stupid? I'm nowhere near it. It's like, I know that you're not near it. I'm just doing it because I want you to know I care about you.

[Aaron Caro]

What about the left field ones? When you get attacks from like someone who's like, not even a friend.

[Matt Ritter]

Well, so that's why I think the specificity thing you just said is important because I'm a little confused when that happens. Sometimes I'm throwing for a loop when somebody's just like, hey, how are you that I'm not that close with, that lives in another city, I'm like, okay, I'm fine. Like, can I help you with something?

[Aaron Caro]

No, no, no. I mean, I meant a natural disaster check in.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, oh, no, that's good. I'm happy if it's somebody who's, you know, remote anybody who checks in, I think that's nice. I'm saying like the random check ins from people without specificity I'm a little confused about.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh, well, that's what we call a landi, which is when you ask something super vague and you're like, I don't know how to respond to this because I don't know what you want pulling a lot.

[Matt Ritter]

But when it's somebody I'm close with, it doesn't matter. When it's somebody I'm not close with that lives in another city that I'm like, you know, we're loose. Like, oh, what's. I had this happen. Like, I told you this. I had a guy from law school. Well, he was in LA and he was like, hey, I want to get. Want to get dinner. And I was like, okay, you know, maybe there's thing you wanted to do and it was just like, oh, you just wanted to catch up, which is fine too, you know, But I think it's good to have clarity on why the person's reaching out.

[Aaron Caro]

Let me counter that. I actually think pulling a laundie is worse when they're a good friend. Because if, if some random person, by the way, we say pulling a laundry means reaching out. Hey, what are you up to? And being very vague and not saying why. If it's a random person and they want you to. And then you say, oh, I'm nothing, I'm hanging out. And then they want you to do something insane, I'd be like, no, but if someone, you know, Landi is you and you're like, yeah, I'm around. They're like, oh, you want to come to this thing? You like, I guess be forced into it.

[Matt Ritter]

Amazing.

[Aaron Caro]

Now, now he, now he very. He's. He listens to the pod. He's our. He's. He's one of our biggest fans and one of our best friends. Now he's. He sends me exactly the details and he goes, are you proud of me?

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, there you go. What else is on the list?

[Aaron Caro]

So adapting old routines to new to match new distance. So let's say every Friday we would, you know, grab a beer and watch the game. When we were together okay, maybe we watch the game on FaceTime or Zoom and grab a beer. You know, if we used to do book club. Matt's. He's. He's grimacing. He doesn't like it.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I think those aren't realistic. So again, you know me, I'm just like, what can we realistically do on a regular basis? And I think people tried this during COVID you know, where they had the zooms. I just don't see men specifically getting on a weekly Friday Zoom, watching basketball separately with their buddy. Just that specific, you know, like.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, I mean, just that.

[Matt Ritter]

I just want to be like to our listeners. Guys, here's what you can do that's within the realm of like, realistic, consistent behavior that would maintain a long distance friendship. I just don't think it's zooming while doing Duke is on. On each end.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, I would say would be more like. You and I would always go to Pearl Jam concerts together. Now we live in different cities. They just released an album. Let's both listen to it and talk about it.

[Matt Ritter]

I like that.

[Aaron Caro]

Together. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. I'm working. I'm working. I'm working the body, I'm working the battery. And the other. And the next one is exactly what you're saying, Matt. New ways to keep the relationship exciting. So creating new ideas that, you know, you didn't do when you were together, but you can do now.

[Matt Ritter]

I like that. I mean, you know, but what.

[Aaron Caro]

This is, this is Self magazine. So the example is create a shared Pinterest board.

[Matt Ritter]

Right again. Right. This is what I'm saying. These are not our people.

[Aaron Caro]

But this one is, I think you're gonna definitely love, which is don't forget to let them know how much they mean to you. So it's like, again, if you don't have proximity with your friends, you're not hugging them, you're not thanking them, you're not seeing them. You know, that gratitude could get lost. And we're always trying to have show gratitude to our buddies. So just. You need to be more intentional sending the text. Hey, man, I really appreciate. I miss you, by the way. I miss you. It's fine.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah. I miss you is great.

[Aaron Caro]

Should we take a listener question?

[Matt Ritter]

Let's do it.

[Aaron Caro]

And we'll be right back.

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[Matt Ritter]

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[Aaron Caro]

Okay guys, this is Asking for a Friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram at Manether podcast and we will answer it on the show. Okay, here we go. Hi Caro and Matt. Love the pod. I have a question for Asking for a Friend. I love my friend Jor. I think this is a woman. I love my friend Jordan who lives across the country and who I only see once or twice a year. But every time we hang out it's magic. We have the most fun. But between visits, months go by without much contact at all and I'm never sure how much to reach out. So here's my question. Are high quality, low frequency friendships a thing or did I make that up? High quality low frequency. Never heard of that before.

[Matt Ritter]

I like the I like how she termed that. They're definitely a thing. I Think they're beloved. Actually, there's something very special about those. And I think part of our goal on this pod is to identify tweaks that you can make with certain friendships to level them up, but also assess whether a friendship is what it is. And that's okay, right? And getting comfortable with certain levels of friendship. You know, we always talk about not every friend has to be everything to you. And so maybe there's something unique and magical about that. Twice a year, get together with the long distance friend. Now, if you're longing for more and you want more and the other person wants more, right? I mean, if there's a reciprocity to the desire for more time together, then, yeah, you got to start planning, right? And that doesn't maybe mean that you have to get together more than twice a year, because maybe it's not practical, but you need something to keep you connected. And maybe it's just quarterly.

[Aaron Caro]

So I think that she's more saying, I only see her once or twice a year. And in between those seeing, we don't even talk.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. I think she sounds like you need the connective tissue. You want that. You want that connective tissue to be there the rest of the year.

[Aaron Caro]

I think the first tip we just read, which is align your communication habits being the same. There's not. They're not on the same page, right.

[Matt Ritter]

We don't even know. We don't even know what the other friend wants, right?

[Aaron Caro]

So I think, considering you do see each other once or twice a year, we always say, friends aren't mind readers. You could say, hey, like, we should. We should do a weekly call, like. Or. No, no, I was gonna say, I.

[Matt Ritter]

Think you're right, but we're skipping. We're skipping a little step, which is like, that's aggressive. Weekly calls aggressive from like somebody you only see twice a year. Right. I think it's like, let's get something on the calendar for next month. So we're not so, you know, so it's not so, you know, so we've so much catching up to do.

[Aaron Caro]

Right? But it's also like what you're talking about getting something that calendar irl?

[Matt Ritter]

No, just a call. But if it's like, I don't know, it's weekly, like going from, hey, I see this person twice a year to going to. We're gonna have weekly calls. That feels like a leap.

[Aaron Caro]

Matt, do you have any friends in your life who are, quote, bad texters, like, they don't respond to your text. You can't get Them on the text.

[Matt Ritter]

Nobody in my inner circle that I care about.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. And then like a couple people where I'm much like you send a text and it's just a black hole. Sometimes they respond, sometimes they don't.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, that feels icky to me and I think I've cut a lot of that out of my life.

[Aaron Caro]

But, but they, they'll claim that it's not like toxic behavior that just like, oh, I don't use my phone, I'm not on my phone. I don't.

[Matt Ritter]

And that's fine if they view it that way. But I have a sort of parameters. Right. You and I have talked about this a lot on the pod. A lot of this is about, about self love and, and your own health. Right. Your friendships have to be a reflection of what you want them to be, not just what the other person wants them to be.

[Aaron Caro]

Right? Right. Because it just seems like also nowadays texting is, texting is how we communicate. You know, it's like if you don't text someone, how do you.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, right. You're ignore, I mean you're ignoring me. You're, you know, like you're completely ignoring me. You're telling you're. But you're also, you are messaging by you not text messaging, you're messaging. You think you're saying nothing. You're saying a lot. You're saying I don't value this friendship. You're saying I don't really need you in my life. You can come and go, I can come and go and that's fine. And when I, you know, pop up, I expect you to respond to my text probably.

[Aaron Caro]

Right. Right. Yeah. I mean it just feels like if you're seeing a long distance friend once or twice a year and you guys have the best frickin time ever, it is odd if you're not texting in between.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. At all. It is odd. Like what are you just some weird one night friend stand from Thailand?

[Aaron Caro]

Well, we did, we did recently have an episode about 24 hour friends.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. Right. But these are not 20. These are people that are clearly are friends. Friends that have repeated, you know, twice a year get togethers. That's a lot.

[Aaron Caro]

What if we take the other person's point of view which is that like they like a tactile IRL friendship.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

And like they don't want to be texting.

[Matt Ritter]

Right.

[Aaron Caro]

All day with their buddies.

[Matt Ritter]

Right. So it's like okay, do you want to take another trip a year? Should we up it?

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

Should we do a mini trip, day trip well, they all live in the same city, so.

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

Hard. It's all or nothing. Sounds like this other person likes the all or nothing nature of it.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, the on off.

[Matt Ritter]

Other person, they like the on off switch. You know, some people like the on off switch for these long distance friendships.

[Aaron Caro]

Is it possible that when they hang out, it's like so intense that they feel like they need a break?

[Matt Ritter]

Could be they're running hot and heavy.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

I got to be honest, my law school friends, we don't communicate that frequently. We're not consistent about our text chains. And when we see each other, it's hell of a time.

[Aaron Caro]

Is it. Is it. Is it one cohesive text group or.

[Matt Ritter]

I have four. Four guys, but two live in Florida, one lives in New York.

[Aaron Caro]

And is there a name?

[Matt Ritter]

No, we haven't ritualized it.

[Aaron Caro]

Okay, so you have this. So basically you're describing exactly what we're talking about.

[Matt Ritter]

And, you know, we see each other very infrequently. We were talking about getting a regular thing going. I'm supposed to go to the reunion, but just baby stuff.

[Aaron Caro]

What's, What's. What's it like practicing law in Florida?

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, it's the third biggest, fourth biggest state in the country. I mean.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

What is the question? I mean, there's a lot of Latin. Latin America, like, legal influence, I would say they do a lot of latam work.

[Aaron Caro]

Let me. Let me rephrase that. What's it like living in Florida? I can't imagine it.

[Matt Ritter]

I mean, a lot of people like it. You got the rain in the afternoon.

[Aaron Caro]

You got that. What happens?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, it rains a lot. There's humidity.

[Aaron Caro]

I haven't been to Miami in a long time, and I like Miami, but just.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, Miami is a great city. Really fun.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Okay, so you. So do you feel like you haven't talked to your law school crew in a while and it bothers you?

[Matt Ritter]

I wouldn't say it bothers me, but I'm just saying I don't. We don't have a consistent communication.

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

And it feels like that's kind of okay with everybody super busy, you know?

[Aaron Caro]

Right.

[Matt Ritter]

We're not in the same city, so it doesn't feel like it's needed.

[Aaron Caro]

So I have a question, a suggestion for a question asker, Matt, which is that the question asker, I think, needs to look at her social universe, which is basically the constellation of your friends, your close friends, your work friends, the people who live close to you, live far. You might be missing some friends who live near you. And that is manifesting itself of, like, why isn't my friend Jordan texting me? Well, if you had five friends who you were going out with in real life, you probably wouldn't matter. And maybe that's what's going on with the other girl.

[Matt Ritter]

That is a lot of that.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

If you're, if you're, if you're harping on, why isn't this person who lives in Seattle not texting me regularly? That could be a flaw in your, in your overall social universe.

[Aaron Caro]

And isn't there something that, like, I don't know if you. This was like, back in the day, like, oh, Griff, our friend Griff from what's the country club adjacent? Like, you're trying to buy from a store that doesn't have what you're offering, you know? You know what I'm talking about. Like, this friend Jordan, like, they're not a. That's not, they don't. They're not. They don't sell what you're looking to buy.

[Matt Ritter]

Right? Well, and we don't know that yet, but you have to be open to that idea, right? Once you communicate that, hey, you would like the communication to be more frequent or you'd like to get together for more freaking if it's, you know, if it's reciprocated and the other person goes, you know what? You're right, let's start doing that weekly call. But if they're like, yeah, and then they try it and then they drop off and it's just like, okay, you got the hint. So then you have to decide if it's enough. If that friendship as constructed the way the other person wants it, is that enough for you? Because if it's feeling like, this is fun when we hang out, but now I feel wounded for the rest of the year, is that worth it?

[Aaron Caro]

Well. Or let's do the typical reframe. I mean, you see a friend once or twice a year and she said, it's magic, right?

[Matt Ritter]

You should be grateful for that. That's awesome.

[Aaron Caro]

It's pretty, pretty fun. That's pretty good.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's great. But I think it's hard, too, because you don't often feel that way all the time. Magic. You know, you don't hear a lot of people going, hey, I get together with my friend and it's magic. If you have that, you want to cherish that friend and you want them to know it and you want to spend more time with them. Because that feeling is the thing, right? That magic feeling you want to Capture that and bottle that up and bring it with you everywhere. And you want that to be every. Every time, every Friday hits, you go, oh, I'm getting to see Jordan.

[Aaron Caro]

I mean, I'll say, you know, I only see the east coast man of the year crew twice a year.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

And it's. It's pretty freaking fun.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah, it's definitely on the magic level, you know, seeing our home friends. And it only happens, you know, a couple times a year. And we do communicate in between. Probably not as much as I should or would like to do on my own as well. I'm probably guilty of some of that.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Do we answer the question?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah, I think we answered it. I mean, I think the takeaway is you have to communicate your desires, right?

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah.

[Matt Ritter]

And see if that person wants to reciprocate. See if there's some sort of middle ground of this where it's like, oh, can we do a quarterly call and check in? And like, you know, and then that way you can feel more connected throughout the year.

[Aaron Caro]

All right, guys, that was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram. All right, Matt, final thoughts on long distance friendships. You know, I feel like we have also talked about diversity in friendships and by diversity meaning, you know, you have work friends, you have home friends, you have close friends, you have fringe friends, you have long distance friends, and you have pro, close, close and proximity friends. I think the long distance friend is a really good addition to your menu because to your point, then you get to visit them. I don't even think we talked about. Then they can visit you and you play tour guide in your own city. They have new experiences. They just, they have. Now they live in Kansas City. They know Kansas City people, they go to Kansas City Chiefs games. You just get exposure to all this stuff.

[Matt Ritter]

Where is your best city? Like long distance friend city outside of New York.

[Aaron Caro]

You're tang of where I have the most friends.

[Matt Ritter]

No, just it doesn't have to be the most, but like, where's your number one? Like, oh, it's great. I have a friend here. I love this.

[Aaron Caro]

Oh. Oh, crap. That's actually a really good question. In the States, I guess I don't.

[Matt Ritter]

Really could be international. Just a city you really enjoy and has a friend that is local or like, that's the big part of it, you know, that's part of the big appeal of that city.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, I don't. I can't think of any. I mean, like Tel Aviv, but like, I'm trying to think of, like, place in the States. I know. San Francisco, maybe.

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

You know, sometimes I actually was thinking about you, Matt, the other day, because I'm like, remember I made that couple friend in my building who. Who in the gym and I finally. They came to our holiday party. So they're moving. They're moving to Arizona next week.

[Matt Ritter]

Wow.

[Aaron Caro]

So. So probably never see them again. Right. But we're, you know, we're connect on Instagram, whatever, and they're like, yeah, we just. We've been in LA for a few years. You know, they're from Iowa. Chicago.

[Matt Ritter]

Right, right.

[Aaron Caro]

Like, how freeing is that? Matt? We. We have lived in the only two places we will ever live. New York and la. There's a very small, you know, have growth mindset, but it's a very small chance we could ever leave these two places. These guys.

[Matt Ritter]

I am moving. I am moving to Paris next month for three months. But. Yeah.

[Aaron Caro]

What a shoehorn mattress.

[Matt Ritter]

What a shoehorn. And we have. We have friends who live there. No, it is a shoehorn because we have friends who live there.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, well, now you just pissed me off with that shoehorn. But anyway, where's your best city? Is it Paris?

[Matt Ritter]

London? Jesse's one of Jesse's oldest friends lives in London.

[Aaron Caro]

Yeah, the problem with the International is that, like, you really. You're not popping in, you know?

[Matt Ritter]

Yeah. In the States, it's Miami because I have two of my best friends from law school there. It's great.

[Aaron Caro]

Right? Okay, so that's good. That's like, I want to get away. I'm gonna maybe tie. Tie one off. Tie one on Miami. I love it. I love it. All right, guys, please tell us about your long distance friendships. Any tips we. We missed? Any pitfalls that we haven't thought about? Like, any long distance horror stories? And I don't know, man, let's get. Let's get some long distance romance horror stories too. Just. I don't feel so bad about mine.

[Matt Ritter]

Oh, yeah, I'm sure we have some good. I want to hear some listener ones too. I dig that.

[Aaron Caro]

Thank you guys so much for listening. Always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. I get it. Be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love, everybody.

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[Matt Ritter]

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