#148 - How’s Your Mental Health?

Summary

Man of the Year – Champions of Friendship

Episode #148: How’s Your Mental Health?
Hosts: Matt Ritter & Aaron Karo
Release Date: September 9, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Matt and Aaron dive deep into a traditionally taboo subject among male friends: checking in about mental health. They explore why it’s important to go beyond surface-level conversations, share practical tips for having meaningful check-ins, and address listener questions about supporting friends through tough times without feeling overwhelmed. The tone is familiar, playful, and honest, weaving together humor with genuinely helpful advice.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Breaking the Ice: Cowboy Hats & the Old West

• Opening Banter [00:18–02:43]
  • Aaron humorously fixates on “hat head” in the Old West, pondering the daily reality for cowboy hat wearers and segues into the day’s real topic: “Did they have hat head in the Old West? I bet you didn’t think that was going to be my opening gambit.” – Aaron Karo [02:34]

2. The Case for Mental Health Check-ins

• Why “How’s Your Mental Health?” Matters [03:11–04:40]

  • Aaron shares how merely asking friends about their mental health can open up surprisingly deep conversations, explaining: “You’d actually be surprised. People really appreciate the question because nobody asks them.” – Aaron Karo [04:15]
  • Matt highlights the simplicity and impact: “It’s surprising to people. It’s an invitation to do something that they probably don’t get to do but would like to do.” – Matt Ritter [04:40]

• Best Practices for Meaningful Conversations [05:25–06:29]

  • The hosts emphasize genuine listening and readiness for real answers: “If you’re going to ask, you got to really listen.” – Matt Ritter [06:29]
  • They note most men default to “side-by-side” interactions (e.g., watching sports), which often feels more natural for opening up than face-to-face.

• Humor and Relatability of Broaching Serious Topics [06:29–09:04]

  • Aaron and Matt riff about deploying the “mental health bomb” during the fourth inning of a baseball game, coining the idea of a “Fourth Inning Wellness Break.”
    • “It’s the fourth inning. Turn to your buddy next to you and ask him, how’s your mental health.” – Matt Ritter [09:04]
    • “Dude, I actually think this may be brilliant.” – Aaron Karo [09:06]

3. Modeling Vulnerability & Permission Structures

• Sharing Your Own Struggles First [09:46–10:34]

  • Aaron suggests being proactive: “Like, yeah, I’m having a tough time. I’m kind of feeling a little blue. How are you doing? Just to loosen them a little bit.” – Aaron Karo [09:59]
  • Matt frames this as “setting up a permission structure,” making it explicitly okay to go deeper.

• Normalizing Emotional Honesty Without Overwhelm [10:44–11:56]

  • They remind listeners that it’s fine not to want to talk every time, but mental health is rarely “perfect.”

4. Navigating Grief & the “Dead Parents Club”

• Shared Experiences and Giving Advice [13:33–15:28]
  • Matt discusses how losing a parent or becoming a parent creates a new empathy and a compulsion to share advice, even if it’s unsolicited: “It’s kind of like … losing a parent is weirdly like parenting. You have an instinct to give unsolicited advice … you know people are really lost in those moments and anything that they can grab onto that’s helpful, you want it to be there for them.” – Matt Ritter [13:43–15:28]

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Listener Question: Supporting a Friend Without Burning Out [17:42–29:55]

Question:
“One of my best friends has been going through a rough patch of anxiety and depression. I’m trying to be supportive but I’m starting to feel burnt out. … Is it okay to set boundaries without feeling like a bad person?”

Key Insights:

• You’re Not Their Only Resource [18:33–20:39]
  • “You didn’t sign up to be a therapist or a grief hotline … being a good friend doesn’t mean being their only friend and their therapist and their entire support system.” – Matt Ritter [20:16]
• Communication and Boundaries [20:52–21:42]
  • Suggest gently encouraging professional help: “I’m not sure I’m the best person for this.”
• Share the Load [23:19–24:46]
  • Rope in other friends for support and avoid shouldering the burden alone. “If there’s more than one friend.” – Matt Ritter [23:56]
• Practice Radical Self-Awareness [25:43–25:56]
  • “Are you making this person miss work because they’re helping you with your situation? Spread the wealth.” – Aaron Karo [25:43]
• Time Frames for Intense Support [26:20–27:48]
  • The hosts debate an unwritten “duration” for crisis support, noting it’s natural for intense needs to subside after several months, especially following grief or loss.

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Practical Tips & Takeaways

How to Ask About Mental Health:

• Use side-by-side scenarios (sports games, car rides) for natural segues.
• Lead by example: Share your own struggles to create a safe environment (“permission structure”).
• “Fourth Inning Wellness Break”: Use rituals to normalize the check-in.
• Ask after physical setbacks as well, recognizing emotional toll.

Maintaining Friendship Balance:

• Check-in, but protect your own capacity—being there for a friend doesn’t mean being their sole support.
• Encourage professional help if you feel over your head.
• Vary hangouts: suggest lighthearted activities to bring balance.
• Spread responsibility among the friend group where appropriate.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Did they have hat head in the Old West? … These are the things that keep me up at night.” – Aaron Karo [02:34]
• “It’s surprising to people. It’s an invitation to do something they probably don’t get to do but would like to do.” – Matt Ritter [04:40]
• “It’s the fourth inning. Turn to your buddy next to you and ask him, how’s your mental health.” – Matt Ritter [09:04]
• “You didn’t sign up to be a therapist or, like, a grief hotline … being a good friend doesn’t mean being their only friend and their therapist and their entire support system.” – Matt Ritter [20:16]
• “Practice radical self-awareness … are you making this person miss work because they’re helping you … spread the wealth.” – Aaron Karo [25:43]
• “The first year’s misery … it never goes away, ever … you just always have this hole, you can’t fill it.” – Matt Ritter [26:33]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening Cowboy Hat Riff – 00:18–02:43
• Introducing Mental Health Topic – 02:43–04:40
• Why & How to Ask About Mental Health (“Fourth Inning Wellness Break”) – 06:29–09:12
• Modeling Vulnerability/Permission Structures – 09:46–10:44
• Grief, Advice, and the “Dead Parents Club” – 13:33–15:28
• Listener Question: Boundaries and Burnout – 17:42–29:55
• Physical Health and Mental Health Link – 30:47–32:11
• Closing Remarks on Gratitude – 30:47–32:11

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Closing Thoughts

Matt and Aaron champion deeper friendship by breaking the stigma around men checking in on each other’s mental well-being. By normalizing these check-ins (whether in the “fourth inning” or after a physical setback), sharing their own stories, and encouraging both support and boundaries, they help listeners strengthen social fitness alongside their buddies. The episode balances laughs, empathy, and actionable wisdom for anyone looking to be a better friend—while also looking after themselves.

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Final Message:
“Always remember: Be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.” – Aaron Karo [32:19]

Transcript

[A]

Foreign of the year.

[B]

Man of the year. Man of the year.

[A]

Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Aaron Caro.

[B]

I'm Matt Ritter.

[A]

And make sure to go To ManOfThe, your podcast.com to grab our merch, read some of our recent press, and go to YouTube to watch all these clips for free on video. Matt, this isn't really a rant. This is kind of an almost an old school rumination which, which are real OG fans will, will get. For some reason, I have this fixation with the old west where everybody's wearing a cowboy hat. Yeah, okay. And you know, they walk in, this is the saloon, and they take off the hat. Or like a woman comes up to them and they take off the hat. So is everyone just walking around with horrible hat head in the old West? Like you can't wear a cowboy hat and have a styled head of hair.

[B]

Yeah. They must have dealt with that in like all the old western shoots by cutting and then having to do hair and makeup after they took the hat off.

[A]

So you think in a western movie, a black and white Western, they go, hello, ma'.

[B]

Am.

[A]

The cut, the person comes in an.

[B]

Hour, then they do an hour pair.

[A]

I don't know, I just like, even, even in the south now if you wear a cowboy hat. If I wear a cowboy hat, I look ridiculous.

[B]

Yeah. I don't look great in a cowboy hat, I gotta be honest.

[A]

No, sorry, I mean, taking it off.

[B]

No, I'm just saying I don't look good in them. Yeah, no, you know what? I guess you, you kind of must your hair up though. I think like the, the goal generally, right. When you take it off, you do a little muscling to get it back to its, its natural state. Right.

[A]

No, I think you take the cowboy hat off, you press it against your chest, you go, hello, ma'. Am.

[B]

There's no mussing, no mussing of the hair at all. So whatever, whatever's going on under the head, it's just, that's what you, that's what it looks like.

[A]

I think what it comes down to is that the men in the old west were not a feat. Is it a fet? A feat? A feat.

[B]

They weren't really concerned, but there's probably, there's still a lot of people who wear cowboy hats. Now if we have any cowboy hat wearing listeners, what do you do when you take off your hat? Do you fix your hair immediately afterwards or you just leave it?

[A]

Right. Like, like, do you think about it? Like, do you style it do you?

[B]

Right. Do you do your hair underneath the hat? It's a good question.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway, anyway, these are the things that, that, that keep me up at night. Did they have hat head in the Old West? I bet you didn't think that was going to be my opening gambit.

[B]

No, no, no. But you never know what's going to come up around here.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. All right, we're gonna segue into today's topic. I, I've been, I've been lobbying to talk about this for a little while. Which is, which is asking your friends about, about their mental health. Right. So we have been for three years now trying to get our listeners, which by the way, Matt, we don't have a name for yet, just listeners. Yeah, Buddies.

[B]

Yeah, Modis.

[A]

Modis. I mean, can somebody please write in with a name? Watch our listener base be. Yeah, maybe we're the Jiggly Squad.

[B]

How are you going after the, the Gigglers?

[A]

Well, making fun of us, I'm saying.

[B]

But that those are the giggly squad is the girls.

[A]

No, I'm making a joke because we're like middle age men.

[B]

Oh, okay. I thought you'd like that. I didn't even get it. Well, we're both pretty fit. Yeah, well.

[A]

Yeah, well, we're fit. You're right, you're right. Okay. So we've been trying to get our guys to like, be a little bit deeper with their conversations with their buddies as opposed to just like, what's your mortgage? And you know, had the Yankees do last night. And one thing that I've been doing with my own friendships is literally if one of my buddies is talking about a trying situation. And Matt, I'm talking anywhere from like, you know, the kids are all, are all under three and they're driving me nuts to like illness slash, you know, death in the family. I, I say, how's your mental health? You, you'd actually be surprised. People really appreciate the question because nobody asked them.

[B]

Great. I mean, it's great. I meant, ugh, like my own mental health.

[A]

Oh, yes, yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I haven't asked you because it's, it's opening up a Pandora's. Pandora's box. And so I just, I just wanted to talk about some kind of best practices, why I think this is important. But just before I get into that kind of any just overall thoughts on.

[B]

This question, I just love it, the simplicity of it. It's surprising to people. It's an invitation to do something that they probably don't get to do but would like to do. I think a lot of what we're doing is, you know, people want to feel heard, they want to feel seen. And most of the time, even with our friends, we're just kind of going around that. Right. We're having a time, we're trying to. Not to. Trying to be polite or trying to be fun. And you just never really get to the core of like, hey, I want to be able to share what's really going on with my friends. And so that's a great question to just cut through the clutter of it.

[A]

I think it even goes a little bit like, you know, we've all got buddies in ourselves who are like, oh, work is crazy. And, and it, and it's like I can't, I hate my boss and blah blah, blah. And like that's still sort of surface adjacent. So if someone's like, oh man, scream Michael, how's your mental health? And they go, oh, honestly, they always like think about it for a beat because no one's ever asked them that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then they go, they give you something, Matt, that you, you know, they go, you know what? Like, maybe this isn't the like job. Like maybe this isn't the right job or I thought, you know, it was going to be X. And, and you, you just let them talk, let them cook.

[B]

Let them cook. Cooking with gas. Oh, they're heating up. I think it's great. Look, I think you have to be prepared if you, if you're asking, you have to really be prepared to have real conversations, which is great, you know, but I think two things, like you need to have alignment, you know, like you need to have the person you're talking to want to share, which I think for the most part most people do want to share that. But then, you know, if you're going to ask it, you got to really listen, you know.

[A]

So one tip I have and I'm curious what you think about this is like for, again, for the past three years we've been talking about how men often interact side by side. Sitting at the game, watch. It's basically watching the game, sitting, watching TV and like maybe that as opposed to face to face, which is how women interact. But maybe side to side is a little bit of a better. Like you don't want to like, how's your mental health to like someone's face necessarily.

[B]

Not eye to eye? No, no, no. Side to side. I'm struggling, struggling.

[A]

By the way, I know you and you're. I don't want to get into the Shane of Shane, the barber of it all. But long story short, when I interact with my barber, it's through the mirror.

[B]

Yeah, right, but that's still you looking at each other, isn't it?

[A]

Somehow it's different.

[B]

Is it? Because I look at my son in the car mirror, I feel like I'm looking at him.

[A]

But that's not quite the same as talking to a buddy. Yeah, I mean, I'm not.

[B]

Well, you're right. You're right, because you have to keep your head still, you know, like, you can't be like, you wanna. Your. Your instinct is to look in somebody's eyes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I was just saying that'd be a funny thing if you. If you don't feel comfortable talking to a buddy. Hold.

[B]

America, get a mirror. Yeah, just talk to the mirror.

[A]

Yeah, but I think it's more about finding the rape moment. Like, you know, I say at a game, if you're watching a game, I don't know, third to fourth inning.

[B]

Yeah. By the way, you just. That just the mirror thing reminded me of Stuart Smalley. Remember that SNL sketch?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Mirror up to them. You're good enough, you're smart enough. Gosh darn it, people like you, fourth inning, you think that's. That's when the. Then we drop the. The mental health bomb.

[A]

Can we come up with something? Like the fourth inning fetch.

[B]

Fourth inning, fetch.

[A]

Like the fourth.

[B]

Yeah. It should be like, honestly, there's something funny about, like, imagine watching the game on TV with your buddy and like, a commercial comes on and it's our fourth inning mental health check in, dude. Well, it's a fourth inning wellness break, dude.

[A]

I don't hate it.

[B]

I don't hate it either.

[A]

Like, you're pretty sauced up by then, but you're not too soft.

[B]

It's the fourth inning. Turn to your buddy next to you and ask him, how's your mental health.

[A]

Dude? I actually think this may be brilliant.

[B]

I like it. I do like it. Wellness break.

[A]

I. I actually think that this could, like, be something. Like, we need to mark that this week. Like. Like, think about if we rolled this.

[B]

Out to stadiums, should we go to Dodger Stadium? Be like, we have an idea for you.

[A]

It'll be sponsored by freaking Kaiser.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Kaiser. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Worth inning. Mental health check.

[B]

That's good. Dude.

[A]

Dude, genius. I love that, by the way. It's, you know, it's la. So everyone leaves by the sixth inning anyway, so you have to get it.

[B]

Yeah. They get there in the third, they.

[A]

Leave by the it another thing I want to throw at you, Matt, was that modeling behavior? So kind of saying, hey, like, you proactively saying what you are struggling with first. Like, yeah, I'm having a tough time. I'm kind of feeling a little blue. Like, how. How are you doing? Just to, like, loosen them a little bit.

[B]

I like it. Because you're also setting up a permission structure. You know, it's not just like. Just like. I like. I like the term modeling, but I also think it's like, you know, a lot of men don't know we're allowed to do this stuff or don't feel comfortable doing this stuff. And it's like, sometimes you just need the permission structure to be like, here's how it goes now. Here's how we. This is how we talk now.

[A]

I. I like that. I like that. And. And you know what I think? Yes. And I like how you often say, like, just start doing it without announcing it.

[B]

Yeah, right. It's. And it's. It's not that big of a deal either. You know what I mean? Like, the good thing about it is, like, it's not that big. Like, you said, you started doing it. I didn't know you were doing that. And, like, you're getting good feedback from people. They like it. They want. They want to have a real talk. Like, I think. I think there's probably a segment of our listeners and a segment of guys that are like, I just don't. I don't want to do that. Watching the game. That's fine.

[A]

Yes, that is fine. I mean, also, your mental health could be good.

[B]

No.

[A]

It'S not impossible.

[B]

No. Not good enough to be like, I'm good.

[A]

Right? Right. No one's mental health is good enough to be like, I'm. I'm totally fine.

[B]

Yeah, Leave. Leave it. No. No. I don't believe you. I don't believe you. I don't believe you.

[A]

I think it's okay, first of all, if you're the one being asked to be like, oh, I'm good, and just if you don't feel like talking about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't think people are gonna get mad.

[B]

Yep. No, it's great. I think it's. How's your mental health?

[A]

My mouth is pretty good. While I'm getting a taste of my own medicine, I think my mental health is pretty good. You know, we've had some unfortunate, you know, life situations, flying back to New York and everything. So I guess, you know, deaths in the family or in the friend's family.

[B]

Yeah. No, it's tough and. But it also makes you really grateful for your own family that's around, you know?

[A]

Yeah. And sometimes I feel kind of. Well, now you got me thinking about it, like, oh, when. When there's. When there's a death, and that makes you feel grateful for your own family, then I sort of feel guilty.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. I mean, when people don't have that anymore, it's like you're in a different place than they are, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Better for worse. It's for. Better for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Better for you. I mean, it is.

[A]

Yeah, it's better.

[B]

You're in a better place. There's no doubt about it, you know, it's better having both your parents around, Right.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I guess I'm not saying it out loud to anybody, so it's fine.

[B]

Yeah. No, but I. I understand that, you know. Yeah. Petering with two kids at this age.

[A]

Well, I was going to say about the. The parents thing. Do you. When you find you. You know, to our new listeners, you know, Matt. Matt lost his dad a few years ago. Like, when you hear someone else lost a parent, do you. I don't know, like, do you feel a kinship?

[B]

Definitely. Dead Parents Club. You don't want to be in it. But right now, I feel like I can mentor our friends through it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

There's a lot to learn about. It's almost. It's kind of like. It's weirdly like parenting. Losing a parent is weirdly like parenting. And that you have an instinct to give unsolicited advice to somebody that's just going through it for the first time, because, you know, actually that you have this wisdom that there's no other way to get other than through the experience. And you also know that most people actually want that, even whether they ask for it or not, Even if they don't ask for it, you know, they need it.

[A]

And even if they're not readily accepting.

[B]

It from you, it doesn't matter. At some point, they'll. They'll, like, even if they don't hear it then, or whatever. Like, all that stuff, you get it from people and then, like, you can pick and choose what you take with you, but all of it is. I find, like, before I was, you know, before I had my first kid, I was like, what the. Why does everybody feel the need to tell me about, like, oh, you need to do this. You know, you're gonna. You're gonna feel this, you're gonna feel that. And I was still, like, kind of annoyed by it. You do, you get really kind of like, all right, I didn't ask. And I just think it's because we know and as I said, very similar to like losing parent. You know, that people are really lost in those moments and anything that they can grab onto that's helpful, you want it to be there for them. And it's like, you know, the downside of sharing that advice is nil. Like, if they don't take it, great, fine. You know, you should give it. You should give it. I'm like, I used to be annoyed by it. And I'm like, it's still good to give people, but like, you know, you don't have to overdo it. But I think it's good if you have a good tip for parenting or losing a parent or some phase of life that's hugely significant. And it's something that there's really no way to know without doing like none of the books do anything, then give it. That's my take.

[A]

Yeah, well, take, take received. Let's, let's do a listener question. Yeah, we'll be right back.

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[A]

Okay, guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram man of the Year podcast and we will answer it on the show and we can anonymize it if you'd like to. Now this actually question is. You touched on this very briefly, so I'm glad this, this question came in. Dear Matt and Cairo, One of my best friends has been going through a rough patch of anxiety and depression and I'm trying to be supportive, but I'm starting to feel burnt out. I don't want to bail, but I also don't know if I have the emotional bandwidth to continue being their therapist. Every conversation ends up being about their problems and I'm feeling very drained. Capital. Very. Is it okay to set boundaries in the situation without feeling like a bad person?

[B]

That's a really good question because you.

[A]

Did say you can ask, how's your mental health? And you have to be prepared for the answer.

[B]

Look, you know, none of it is all on you. You know, look, you're being a good, first of all, you're being a good friend. It's, it's great. Like everybody has to protect their own energy first and foremost. Like that's my first take is like, you don't owe anyone your energy. Right. But I think being a good friend is like there are times that require it. Right? I mean, like some people when their parent dies, like they're just naturally gonna need more from you than you give to them. I think it's like, okay, is this your relationship? Is this the dynamic of your relationship or is this what's happening? Because I think those are two different things. Don't you think?

[A]

Yeah. And I think also let's just distinguish between if your friend is in literal crisis.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Or you know, there's a self harm situation or something, you know, really awful. That's probably one distinct episode. My, my interpretation of, of this is more run of, run of the mill, not run of the mill. I don't want to, I don't want to deprecate, but more of like person's going through a rough patch. Yes. First of all, you're of no help to your friend. If you're also burnt out, that's not good for either of you. Number two, it depends on the situation. It depends on the situation. Are you their only ear? Like, do they have a sibling or a partner or other friends? Like, are there other people you could bring into the fold? And then, Matt, I think we've talked about this, like, back in the day. It's like, sometimes you've done all you can do for a person. Like, they need to change. They need to get out of it themselves at some point. Right.

[B]

100. You didn't sign up to be a therapist or, like, a grief hotline. Like, I don't want to be harsh, because I think it's really important to be there for your friends. Right? But if this person's asking us our honest advice on a listener question, being a good friend doesn't mean being their only friend and their therapist and their entire support system.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So you, you know, because again, like, sounds like you're having fatigue over this, right? So it's obvious, obviously, your dynamic's not working. So communication is key, Right?

[A]

How do you communicate something like that?

[B]

So I would suggest, like, if they need a therapist, I would say, have you thought about talking to somebody who's been through this or somebody who's better equipped to, like, basically just being like, I. I'm not sure I'm the best person for this.

[A]

Yeah, I like that. I think it's got to be reframed as, like, I feel like, you know, we need to change the dynamic here so you can get the help you need, or. I don't feel like I'm just going to repeat what you said. I don't feel like I'm capable of giving you what you need. Like, we need to beat this, but I can't help you. Like, we got to change the dynamic. We got to see someone. I'll go with you if you want. Or can we talk to your parents? Talk to your friend? Talk to somebody else?

[B]

That's one big part. I think that's one big part of it. The other big part, and I think we've talked about this before, is you need variety in the friendships that get heavy. It's like, you need to lighten it up, right? If you don't want to abandon it, you need to, like, figure out a way that the next time you hang out, you're not talking about any of this stuff.

[A]

How do you do that?

[B]

I mean, offer a fun thing where.

[A]

It'S like, like, oh, we're at the baseball game. It's a fourth inning. God damn it.

[B]

Yeah. Offer a event that is, you know, lighter and fun and there's an activity and preface it with, hey, why don't we just, you know, love to just go out and. Let's keep it. Let's keep it a little lighter this time. I feel like we've been really heavy the last few times we've hung out. They should get that hint, you know, I feel like you don't have to hammer it that hard sometimes with people, if they have some supplements, sometimes they don't realize how they're. We've talked about this a few times. Sometimes you just have sad sacks, and that's just perpetually how they are. And you have to decide how much energy you want to devote to that person if it's draining you.

[A]

But I think this is a little different than your. Than your. Than your. Your typical sad sack. This is a normal sack who's going through a. A tough time.

[B]

Exactly. But, you know, you're a tough time. You know, has to have a somewhat finite duration then, right?

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, it has to have a finite duration for you, the friend who's helping the other person.

[B]

That's right. That's right. Yeah. I think, look, I think it's great if you can be there for your friend as long. Look, you can. You could. We could say, hey, you should always be there for your friends. But again, it sounds like you're having this compassion fatigue. You don't have to be the only person for them, too. Maybe you can rope in another friend to. Hey, have you talked to Jim? He's really going through some stuff. He could use some other. Actually had somebody say that to me about a friend. I didn't know they were going through some stuff, and I immediately, like, reached out. You know, I was like, oh, first of all, it's good to let other friends know. But second of all, it should be shared by all the friends. If there's more than one friend.

[A]

Well, you know, there could be an issue of discretion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's funny. Oh, God.

[B]

It.

[A]

During the. During. I think it was during the fires. Like, someone I know. I was on a group text because someone. I don't know if their house burned down, but they were affected and they. They were really, like, really struggling. But I was like, not even a tertiary friend. I was like, why am I on this group text? Like, I'm. I don't even have. I don't even think I have The. The person who's in trouble's number. And I was just like, I don't know, is that because I have the podcast or because I'm so helpful?

[B]

I don't know, Burden sharing.

[A]

So I read the. Well, I didn't respond.

[B]

No, I think it's good. I actually, look, I, again, like, I think this is the big tip of, like, you need to let other people in on this if it's all on you. Because look, I do want, I want people to have a village when they're going through stuff. Not one person that it then becomes. Because that's the problem, right? It's like if you do have a village, if you have a healthy social life and social fitness and you've got a good circle, then you don't have to dump everything on somebody's shoulders because that's a lot for them. And it's like, I appreciate and I feel for anybody who's going through a hard time. And I know it's great to have friends who are available to you, but I think it is good, this question is good because it makes all of us out there listening go. You know, when I'm grieving, you know, I also at some point have to, you know, be cognizant if I'm just dumping it all on one person for an extended period of time. I think for the first, whatever, couple of months, tough luck that person's grieving, be there for them.

[A]

Right? You know, you know what I like to say? Practice radical self awareness. Like, are you, you know, are you, are you making this person miss work because they're helping you with your, with your situation, you know, know, spread the wealth.

[B]

It's really hard because that first couple months, you cannot be self aware. That's what I'm saying. Like on the flip side, like, I understand that first few months, tough luck, Suck it up for your friend. Be a good friend. You know, I, I, I, maybe we should come up with like some sort of time rubric, you know, like, how long can you really, like monopolize the energy with grief? 3 months? 6 months? A year?

[A]

I mean, this is going to be a kind of a dumb question, but do you think so? Silly, but like a grieving a parent, do you think there's a loose time.

[B]

Frame, the first year's misery? I don't, you know, never again. It never goes away, ever. And I tell that to people. Like, you're just always gonna have this hole, you can't fill it. You have other things in your life that you know, like, you know, that just are positive you know, and you, you're not. It's. It doesn't weigh on you daily as much after the first, first year, but.

[A]

Like within that first year, it's got to be like first week is horrible. Six months is a little better. Or. No, no.

[B]

I, I don't know. It does last a long time. There's these weird waves where like you just burst into tears at any given moment in that. I could still do it now, burst into tears at any time. But those stretches go like further and further apart. That's what I would say. I'd love to hear listeners grief question, like, how long before you feel, I guess, back to your, you know, sort of norm. Normal.

[A]

Right, right. I mean, you're never back to your norm, but I guess it's not when you're not in crisis. I maybe would say.

[B]

Yeah, I'd say that for. That first year is brutal.

[A]

Yeah. I think not just for grief, but sort of general. General crisis. I don't know. I was gonna say three months. Feels like you're on call for your best friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Yeah. Yes. It's. It's hard. It's hard. I know it's funny. We're like quantifying the time for it. But. But it is. Look, I think this is one of our better questions. Right. Because this is stuff nobody talks about.

[A]

Right. It's also different. I was thinking about this the other day. It's different if your friend has a partner, a husband or a wife, because like, generally I think that that person is your first line. You're. As a best friend, you should be there, but you're really almost more of a backup.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're providing different help, but like, you know, the, the spouse is there day in and day out.

[B]

Right, right, right. That's why you get. That's why somebody has to be there for you.

[A]

Honestly. I mean, you know what happens? I mean, listen, you're going to be 95 one day in continent. Incontinent. Incontinent.

[B]

Incontinet. No, 95, 45.

[A]

I mean, you're barely continent now.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm at continent. I know. Only the continent man will pass.

[A]

What's the sign that's on every pool in la?

[B]

Do not make. Do not go in the pool. If you've had diarrhea in the past two weeks.

[A]

And yeah, you can, you can never swim.

[B]

I've never, I've never swam.

[A]

All right, I think we answered that question.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, except for the timeline thing. Right. I mean, what is. That's A good question. I would love to hear from our listeners. I think it's after, probably after, after three to six months, there's gonna be starting to be like, people are gonna get kind of like, all right, I, I gotta, you know, can't always be about this. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, one thing you can do. This is going to sound awful. If you're the helper, you could also, like, listen, I'm going on vacation.

[B]

And not go on vacation.

[A]

No. And go on vacation. Like, you have to, you have to.

[B]

Travel to avoid this. No, I, I think you just got to be like, look, I, I, you know, I think, you know, let's see if there's somebody who can help you with this. You know, I don't know if I'm the, I'm the best person for all of this. For all this, you know, for. It's a lot.

[A]

But the key is be there for your friend.

[B]

As long as you be there for your friend. Exactly right. Our main takeaway is be there for your friend as much as you can, but you have your own mental health to worry about as well.

[A]

Yeah. All right, guys, that was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram and we will answer it on the show. Okay. So, Matt, we have talked about asking your friends about their mental health. We've talked about the fourth inning mental health. Mental health, wellness break, fourth inning kvetch. Any other mental health things we want to, we want to cover?

[B]

No, that was great, but I think also, too, that was great that you. I think it's great that you're introducing this, but I think it's also great to be, like, maybe at the end if, like, you know, somebody does that for you. Like, you know, that. Thank you. You know, that was.

[A]

Gratitude. Very good point, Matt. There was one other thing that I wanted to mention, which is that if someone's having physical health problems, that's often when I ask about the mental health problems. So we have a buddy who, you know, has. Has a, you know, recurring illness, and he's going through something. I'll tell you about it offline. And I. That was actually where I said, oh, how's your mental health? And that. That opened up this whole floodgates in a good way of, like, oh, I've actually been feeling really down. I feel upset about it. Like, no one, clearly, no one had asked him about that. You know, like, you hurt your leg. That wasn't. Like, if you had broken your leg and you really couldn't move for six months, I would be like, how's your mental health?

[B]

Yeah. But I asked my buddy Dan when he broke his arm about that because it does weigh on you when you have a cast and you can't function. He has kids and it's like you can't carry them. It's. Is.

[A]

I mean, is he okay?

[B]

Yeah, he's okay. But it's good to ask about that. You're right. I think it is good to ask about that.

[A]

Physical health begets mental health. And yes, showing gratitude when the thing is all over. You know, I really appreciate it. Even just a text, you know, like, we don't. You don't have to send the Hallmark card. Thank you for being there when my.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, mom passed away. But it goes. It goes a long way. And then obviously pay forward.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, guys, let us know if you've ever asked your friend about his mental health. And thank you for listening. Always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.

[B]

Love you, buddy.

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