#173 - The Friend Group Fallacy

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Man of the Year - Champions of Friendship
Episode: #173 - The Friend Group Fallacy
Hosts: Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo
Date: February 24, 2026

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Main Theme

This episode explores the “Friend Group Fallacy,” inspired by a viral Atlantic article questioning the expectations and realities surrounding adult friend groups. Matt and Aaron discuss the misconception that most people have large, active friend groups, the different ways friendship can be structured, and how feelings of loneliness can persist even when one has friends or a spouse. The hosts respond to a listener’s question about longing for a “real friend group” and offer practical friendship advice, all with their signature blend of humor and insight.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Surviving the Verizon Outage (00:13–03:58)

• The episode opens with Aaron recounting the chaos of a major Verizon phone outage and navigating LA without GPS:
  • “I had to get from West Hollywood to Beverly Hills... I literally had to make one turn.” (00:12–01:21)
• Matt teases Aaron for relying on navigation for short drives, making light of their differences in approach.

2. Introducing “The Friend Group Fallacy” (03:58–07:56)

• Aaron summarizes the Atlantic article, highlighting three main points:
  1. Many adults have individual friends but feel the absence of a larger friend group.
  2. Studies show most people don’t have friend groups; this is more normal than people think.
  3. Loneliness can persist even with friends, especially when comparing oneself to perceived social norms.
  • “Most people don’t have a friend group. Most adults, let’s just say, don’t have a friend group.” – Matt (05:17)
  • “Less than one third of Americans feel that they are part of a friend group.” – Aaron (06:43)

3. The Myth of Adult Friend Groups (07:56–09:03)

• The hosts debunk the popular narrative of active friend groups as seen in pop culture (e.g., Sex and the City).
  • “Most adults do not have that [regular group brunches].” – Matt (08:45)
  • Matt points out that group moments seen on Instagram or at social events are rare highlights, not daily occurrences.

4. Individual Friendships and Social Portfolios (11:52–12:58)

• Both agree there’s value in diverse, individual friendships and “archipelagos” of friends, not just in groups.
  • “There’s nothing wrong with having... a bunch of individual friendships. That’s pretty fun too.” – Aaron (11:52)
• Social “portfolios” can include individual friends, couple friends, and different circles with varied purposes.

5. Listener Question: Longing for a Crew (15:37–20:58)

• A listener writes: She’s happily married, has friends, but envies people with a “crew” for group activities.
  • “Am I chasing social media, friendship esthetics or is it reasonable to want people to call my gang?” (16:22)
• Matt: It’s okay to want a group, but normal to lack one. Having a social “portfolio” is just as healthy.
  • “You know, look, there is a sense of belonging. I think there’s an identity thing that having a group gives you.” – Matt (16:40)
• Aaron: Reframe expectations. Holistic social fitness means different kinds of ties, not always a traditional group.

6. Understanding Loneliness in Context (17:57–20:20)

• The hosts reference Dr. Murthy’s categories of loneliness:
  1. Emotional loneliness: lack of a close emotional tie.
  2. Social loneliness: lack of an engaging social network or community.
  • “You might have a deeply meaningful relationship with your spouse... but still feel lonely for a lack of community.” – Aaron (19:46)
• It’s possible to feel loneliness even with a partner if broader community ties are missing.

7. Practical Advice: Building Your Crew (20:20–27:37)

• Suggestions for cultivating a friend group:
  • Proactively organize: “You’ve got to be the one who puts it together, who names the group chat, who organizes a little bit and... gets the momentum going.” – Aaron (21:15)
  • Ritualize gatherings: naming text threads, recurring meet-ups (e.g., Farmer’s Market gang), and making it “sticky” for identity.
• Community vs. friend groups: Activities like neighborhood events can substitute for or supplement friend groups.

8. Real-Life Examples and Humor (22:26–26:00)

• Aaron shares a story of renting a 65-person party bus for his birthday. Matt jokes about losing touch with half the attendees over time.
  • “I rented the largest party bus in Southern California... And when people are over, they go, who are those all your friends?... Some of them we’ve lost.” – Aaron (22:26)
• Matt discusses typical adult friend structures: a couple of close couple friends, a few floaters, and maybe one confidant.

9. Navigating Couple Friendships and Calendars (23:26–26:13)

• How couple friendships can have uneven intimacy; it’s normal for one partner to be closer to one half of another couple.
• Aaron humorously interrogates Matt about shared calendars and whether Jess can put things on their schedule without his explicit consent.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the fallacy of friend groups:
  “Don’t get into an existential crisis because you see a group of friends having a good time together and go, why don’t I have that?” – Matt (08:03)
• On ritualizing friendship:
  “Ritualize the ritual. Make it sticky – the goal is to make things sticky so it’s part of people’s identity.” – Matt (20:25)
• On social media’s influence:
  “You’re seeing them in their Instagram moment.” – Matt (07:59)
• On structuring friendships:
  “They are a structure. Right. They are... an artificial one that you’ve created. But structure is what... builds the consistency and helps make this thing thrive.” – Matt (26:52)
• On calendars and couple coordination:
  “Usually I have to just... if something pops up... she’s obviously more diligent about it, and so I have to put the things in too, because sometimes we may have a conflict.” – Matt (24:30)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:13–03:58 | Surviving the Verizon Outage, GPS Habits | | 03:58–07:56 | “Friend Group Fallacy” article summary | | 06:43 | “Less than one third of Americans feel... part of a friend group.” | | 08:00–09:03 | Pop culture myths about active friend groups | | 11:52–12:58 | The value of individual friendships | | 15:37–20:58 | Listener question about longing for a friend group | | 17:57–20:20 | Types of loneliness, Dr. Murthy’s research | | 20:20–27:37 | Advice for building friend groups, organizing social life | | 22:26 | The 65-person party bus story | | 23:26–26:13 | Navigating couple friendships, calendar coordination | | 27:53–32:09 | Episode wrap-up, additional reflections on the friend group fallacy |

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Takeaways & Reflections

The Reality vs. Perception of Friend Groups

• Most people (two-thirds) don’t have active friend groups—Instagram and TV create misleading expectations.
• There’s value in individual friendships, diverse social “portfolios,” and loosely connected networks.
• It’s normal—and okay—to feel FOMO for a crew, but also important not to let that define your sense of belonging or social fitness.

Loneliness Is Multifaceted

• Loneliness can exist even with friends or a partner (emotional vs. social loneliness).
• Seeking a group is fine, but reflecting on why you want one is key—identity, belonging, activity planning, etc.

Building Community Is Active, Not Passive

• Creating a group or community requires initiative—naming, organizing, and ritualizing routine connections.
• Community activities can supplement personal friendships and contribute to well-being.

Humor and Relatability

• The hosts blend practical advice with self-deprecating humor, keeping the topic approachable and relatable to everyday adult life.

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Conclusion

This episode debunks the myth that everyone has—or needs—a large, close-knit friend group. Matt and Aaron encourage listeners to appreciate the variety of social ties in their lives and to pursue relationships that genuinely serve their needs, not just their Instagram feeds. Whether through one-on-one bonds or organizing a new crew, the key is intention, proactivity, and defining your own social fitness.

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Notable Quote to Close:
“Don’t chase the Instagram moment... If you have individual friends and they are good friends, consider yourself lucky. You’re ahead of the game.” – Aaron (30:24)

Transcript

[A]

Foreign.

[B]

Of the year.

[A]

Man of the year. Man of the year.

[B]

Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Aaron Caro.

[A]

I'm Matt Ritter.

[B]

And guys, make sure to go to audible.com the buddy system to check out our best selling Audible original on friendship and go to many of your podcast.com to grab our merch and watch our videos on YouTube. Matt, before we get into it, you know, we, we record this sometimes in advance. Yesterday was a quite a dramatic day in that it was the day of the Verizon outage.

[A]

I mean, I've never, I've never experienced anything so long and so painful.

[B]

I, I think you'll be maybe proud of me. I was, I was out and about. I actually had an IRL meeting. You know, very rare these days. No Google Maps.

[A]

Wow. Where was it? I was in, I mean, it was in West Hollywood. Okay. Wow. So proud of you.

[B]

It was. I had to get from Santa some West Hollywood to Beverly Hills and I did it and I did, I, I literally had to make one.

[A]

I don't know that I'm gonna go so far as to say I'm proud of you for getting to the neighborhood right next to yours.

[B]

And it was one, and it was just straight down Santa Monica Boulevard. I didn't even have to do oh my God. But I panicked.

[A]

But normally you would do that. You would put it in the, in the, in the gps.

[B]

Matt, we've talked about this so many times. Not only, okay, I have a bad insurrection, fine. But even if I'm close, it's traffic and accidents. You don't give a about that. You fly from the seat of your pants.

[A]

Okay, well, here's, okay, give you an example. A place I go fairly frequently. Home Depot. It's on my block. It's two miles up. Why do I care? What am I going to do? Take alternate routes. If there's traffic, it's on Sunset.

[B]

Okay. I mean, if it's a straight shot. But I once drove with you to the Santa Monica and you didn't put it on right.

[A]

I'm just saying. But you said you were going somewhere that's a straight shot down Santa Monica.

[B]

Well, but I didn't know. I, I, I eyeballed it. I guessed, I didn't really know.

[A]

I'm proud, actually. I am proud of you. This is great. Great. This is great. I want, I want you to do it again and again and again and again. And then one day we're just going to the beach and it's just like KO the beach is west. We'll be fine.

[B]

Look, there's another reason.

[A]

Look at the sun. Eyeball it.

[B]

There's another reason that I do it. I'm curious what you think about this. I will just forget where I'm go. Like, I'll just zone out, listen to podcast and more music, and I'll just drive past the stop. Give me.

[A]

So, Jesse, just. Yes. This happened yesterday. We dropped Brenner off at gymnastics, and then we were going to the grocery store, and I forgot that the grocery store was on Melrose. So I drove up to Santa Monica, and she's just like, I'm just driving along on Santa Monica. She's like, what are you doing? Exactly. I'm like, what do you mean, what am I doing? I'm going to the grocery store. She's like, it's on Melrose. I'm like, oh, yeah? Why don't you say anything? She's like, because I didn't even know what you're doing right now.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. A, I've been there a million times. B, I just. I mean, Jess, you guys been married for so long. Like, her. Her acquiescence to your madness, like, you get to be more proactive, Jess.

[A]

Well, that's what I'm saying. That's on her, isn't it? Like, why are you letting me go to Santa Monica Boulevard at this point?

[B]

I hate to say at this point, it is on her. Like, you can't change and you are who you are.

[A]

Right. She enabled me to go an entire boulevard north and then be completely lost. I think it's partly for her to just be like, you idiot. Just to get that satisfaction.

[B]

Yeah, but you don't learn anything from it, so it's not even satisfying.

[A]

I'll never learn anything from any of it.

[B]

Can you? If you. If you turned. If you went 10ft in the wrong direction, I'd throw a temper tantrum. All right, so we. We survived the great Verizon outage. No good segue. We're going to talk about this amazing article in the Atlantic that was going around like wildfire with a great title called the Friend Group Fallacy. The Friend Group Fallacy. And basically, there's sort of two. I'd say two to three points. I'll just run through them real quick. One, that this woman says she has a good amount of friends, but they're mostly individuals, and she feels like she's missing a friend group. B, studies have shown that actually most people don't have friend groups. She's actually more normal than the. Than she thinks that most people do have individual friends and not a friend group. And see how we may be talking about the word loneliness? Wrong. People with friends can still feel lonely because they feel like, you know, they're missing out or they don't have a different. Yeah, I mean, that's the low. That's the loneliest man I've ever met, and he's never. Not with somebody. So why don't we take these in whatever order you. You. You like, sir?

[A]

I like the idea that most people don't have a big friend group or a healthy friend group. Big or healthy?

[B]

No, no. Most people don't have groups that are more than one or two.

[A]

Right. They just don't have a group. Most people don't have a friend. A friend group. Most adults. Let's just say most adults don't have a friend group. I mean, I don't know that there's a study or there's a. Like, what would you put the percentage.

[B]

There was a study. Just. Whenever you use the word adults, you always sort of like. Like when we had our best friend episode two years ago, you're like, adults don't like. That's like your, like, way.

[A]

I don't like the word adult, I guess.

[B]

No, no, when you say adult, that's your dog whistle fur. Like it's juvenile.

[A]

Yeah. So what was the percentage? They said that don't have.

[B]

We don't have the percentage. Just that it's. It's just more likely that you don't have a friend group.

[A]

Right. And look, it's hard to say because the definition of friend group is. Can be amorphous as an adult. So, you know, like, we've got our Luger's crew, we've got our, you know, LA crew. It's like, are these defined groups? They were at one point. They still are, I suppose. But you could also argue that, like, they're not active all the time, you know, like, what is an. You know, does they have to be active for it to be a friend group, is the question.

[B]

Sorry. I found the. I found the. The statistic. Less than one third of Americans feel that they are part of a friend group.

[A]

Right. I mean, we definitely feel that we're part of a friend group. For sure. Multiple friend groups, which is great. So I guess the question is, like, you know, what's the idea here? Is the idea of, like, hey, is the truth that people are hanging out in these large friend groups all the time? Probably not. But do a lot of people have, you know, a group that they feel like, you know, is a thing, even if they're not seeing each other consistently. I still think a lot of people do.

[B]

I think what she's saying is that when she's out and about and she likes. Sees at a bar, there's like seven people hanging out and laughing. And also pop culture, Every TV show, every.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying is, like, even though you and I have, you know, we do have them, and a lot of people, quote, unquote, have them. You're seeing them in the rare moments that you actually get together. When you see that group that's at the bar, it's because it's somebody's birthday once a year, and they. That may be the only time that group is seeing each other.

[B]

Yeah, it's still. Still an observation.

[A]

You're seeing them in their Instagram moment.

[B]

Oh, interesting. I don't know.

[A]

You're.

[B]

You're kind of. So you're downplaying a little bit that most people.

[A]

Well, I'm just saying don't get. Don't get into an existential crisis because you see a group of friends having a good time together and going, why don't I have that? Because I do think that's what you feel. Look, anytime I see a big group now who have kids who are younger, kind of like having a good time at a bar, having lunch together, brunch together, I'm just like, you guys don't know how good you have and how hard it is just to make that happen.

[B]

Well, you and I do that all the time.

[A]

No, I know. I'm just talking about the public at large. Like, oh, yeah, yeah, we're good at it. Obviously, we're here. We're. We're the guys. But, you know, it takes work and it's hard. But most people don't have that. They don't. Most people don't have the active. The active one where it's like, oh, we're get like the Sex in the City thing.

[B]

The right.

[A]

You know, like, we're getting brunch every Sunday. Most adults do not have that.

[B]

But I. By the way, when you said, when I see a bunch of young kids, I thought you meant kids. And you're like, at a bar. I'm like, what?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, like, in their 20s.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still see. To me, I'm like, I'm in my 20s. In my mind.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, those of us. Those of you watching on YouTube, my beard is. Is pretty long now, and it's I mean, look at this gray line. Look at this. Wow.

[A]

No. Just for men, huh?

[B]

No, no, no. I mean, what did I say in one of the first podcasts? Women love salt and pepper. And you go, yeah. On Clooney.

[A]

Yeah. Can I tell you something about. I won't name any names, but a couple people I know do the Just for men and they go, like, we talked about this once. I think they go too dark.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But here's one I never heard before. Some. A friend called me up the other day. Another friend that we know has red hair, and he insists this person is doing just the top, and they're doing it even redder. Like, you know how some people with brown hair, like, and they do Just for man. It gets, like, too dark at the top or at the bottoms. He's saying that his is like a little flaming at the top.

[B]

So he. It's redder at the top.

[A]

Yeah, he's just dying the tips.

[B]

Well, when you say just for men, do you mean beard or hair or both?

[A]

Hair. I mean, it's both, I guess, but Hair.

[B]

But I don't understand. And maybe I'm a simple. A simple man. What happens when we get a haircut?

[A]

Well, the haircutter tools get all messy.

[B]

No, but I mean, like, if I dye my hair. No, but. No, I'm saying if I dye my hair and then I go to Shane

[A]

R Barber, you have to. Then you have to color it the same day,

[B]

right? Well, you just have to keep. Keep. It's too much.

[A]

You have to recolor it every time.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's ridiculous.

[A]

Anyway, that's why when women get haircuts, you hear them go, I'm getting a cut in a color.

[B]

I mean, for the life of me, I. I do not understand the. The. The female grooming regimen.

[A]

It's big. They're trying to get men. Dude, you hear about looks maxing?

[B]

Well, looks maxing isn't a male thing.

[A]

It's becoming very male.

[B]

Well, looks maxing is just. You're trying to, like.

[A]

I know, but these young men are doing it heavily now.

[B]

What is. What is.

[A]

What is saying, like, I saw something was like, thank God. If you're a man over 35, thank God. Like, you don't have to deal with looks maxing. But.

[B]

But what's an example of a looks maxing?

[A]

I think people are doing all kinds of stuff to their faces, to their jawlines that, you know, they're doing the mouth chew to get the perfect jaw alignment. Their serums, they're Doing the, you know, salmon sperm on their face.

[B]

Did you just make that up?

[A]

Yeah, the last one.

[B]

It could have been a thing. By the way, whenever I see these articles or these trends, I go, there's no, there's nobody doing this.

[A]

I know. Maybe I'm making that up because I saw one little thing on it.

[B]

Yeah, well, we get our news from Tik Tok now, so.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. My news source. My trusted Walter Cronite on Tik Tok. This is Walter Cronite signing out.

[B]

So I would, I would say that there are. First, there's nothing wrong with having a bunch of, I think just the woman article says archipelagos. A bunch of having individual friendships. That's pretty fun too. You know, listen, we. I really value our friend groups. They have a lot of advantages. You can do more stuff together. Some people are not always available. You know, if you've got a singular friend, they're not around, then you got nothing. I think, you know, we've talked many times, like, you know, you go out with one buddy, you're really with that buddy. And when you run out of things to talk about, there's. There's nothing else to do.

[A]

Obviously, there's a value in diverse, you know, groups of friends. Different, different, certain multiple circles of loose friends. You know, obviously having one tight friend crew is awesome. And if you can achieve that, and it could be three, two people, the three of you together, that's a great. That's a big win. If you don't have it, can you still have a healthy social life? Yes.

[B]

Can we take a listener question? Because it's actually a couple related things. It's a max special.

[A]

All right, let's jump in early.

[B]

We'll be right back with a listener question.

[D]

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[B]

Okay guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram. Send it to us on Instagram our Handles man of the Year podcast and we will answer it on the show. Okay. Dear Madden Caro, I'm happily met. This from a woman. I'm happily married and not quote lonely in the classic sense. But I feel this ache that me and my husband don't have a real friend group or community. My husband says our two close couple friends are plenty. But I'm jealous. People who do big Sunday dinners and group trips and have a built in quote crew. Am I chasing to your point, Matt? Am I chasing social media, friendship, esthetics or is it reasonable to want people to call my gang?

[A]

It could be both. You are. But it is also great to have it because I have, I have this kind of parent friend crew and it's just easier for planning and kind of like, like what we were talking about before. It's kind of open. It's like, oh, show up or don't show up, but at least somebody's coming usually and you know, look, there is A sense of belonging. I think there's an identity thing that, you know, having a group gives you a sense of, you know, like, security and I don't know, there's. Look, there's definitely something nice about it. But, you know, I don't think that most, most friends. Most friends and most groups operate that way necessarily. As an adult, I think it's okay to want that and it's okay to try to go after that. But don't beat yourself up if you don't have it. And I think to reframe it. I think really what we want you to have is to have, again, holistic social fitness, which means more like almost like a portfolio of the right, you know, collection of people. And so sometimes that's, hey, we have this group of two other couples and we've got this locked in crew, but sometimes it's like, oh, I've got my walk friend. I've got my friend I can talk on the phone with. And I have. We have one couple friend to go out to dinner with. And that's great.

[B]

You know what we should call a portfolio of friends?

[A]

Bro. Folio.

[B]

Port. Brolio.

[A]

I almost had it. So close. So close.

[B]

What's interesting to me, and I know and, and we've talked about this a lot. It's been very edifying for me is that, like, I still, I still think it's interesting that married people can be lonely, right? It's like you're literally living with your life partner and we don't know if they have kids or not. And, and it's. And I know it's true. It's just funny. It's interesting.

[A]

Yeah, but, but, but, you know, again, like, Dr. Murthy talked about the levels of loneliness, right? There's like that emotional loneliness that your partner can potentially solve, but then there's other, like, existential loneliness of feeling like you don't belong to anything. I forget what the other one was. But like, you know, we talked about with friendship snacks, like, hey, you need your, you know, we came up with these levels, right? You need your close friends. That's your, like, main sustenance. You need your acquaintances. You need all these things. So I, I don't agree. Look, obviously, because I have, I have a very healthy, you know, marriage and partner, but she doesn't like sports at all. So, you know, if I just want somebody to watch a game with them, you know, out of luck there, she doesn't work in, you know, Hollywood doesn't really want to, you know, hear me talk about this. Stuff in, you know, infinite times, necessarily. So it's less about loneliness and more about. I think loneliness is kind of a loaded term, you know.

[B]

Yeah. Well, that's another thing they talk about in the article, which is that, you know, loneliness could be. She says people experience different types of loneliness. There's a UCLA loneliness scale, the loneliness of emotional isolation, which is the absence of a close emotional attachment. So that's kind of like the classic sense.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Like, I have that. So I'm not, like, to me, that's not what my loneliness manifests as.

[B]

And then the loneliness. The loneliness of social isolation, which is the absence of an engaging, engaging social network. You might have a deeply meaningful relationship with your spouse, for example, but still feel lonely for a lack of community and the longing for a social network. So.

[A]

So I think a lot of people have that second one. Yeah. So they can still have that and have a. Have a partner. But back to their question of, you know. Yeah, is this something you could. It's okay to want to go after this, to build this, because it's a great thing to have.

[B]

Well, by the way, they've got two close couple friends. Should we try to meld them?

[A]

Well, yeah, create. I mean, again, right? It's like, oh, I wish I had this thing. Go create it. Go build it. If you build it, people will come. Right. We started our farmers market thing where it's just a bunch of families and it's on a text chain. We named it. We talk about this all the time on the podcast. Ritualize the ritual. Make it sticky. The goal is to make things sticky so it's part of people's identity. Like, I am part of your Farmer's Market gang, and therefore, I'm on this text. You know, I'm not obligated to show up, but it's there for me.

[B]

Do you guys still go to farmers market when it's pouring? As it has a little bit recently.

[A]

No. Yeah, Canceled on camera.

[B]

Sometimes I wonder. Oh, they don't even do it.

[A]

No, I don't do it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Got it, got it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Sometimes when, you know, we're in the winter months here in la, when you got the crazy rain, and sometimes I'm like, God, are they still doing that? Yeah, farmer's market. But also, to your point, like, put the crew together, you got to be the friend. Right? That's the number one. No one else is going to make your crew for you. You. You've got to be the one who puts it Together, who names the group Chat, who organizes a little bit and sorry. You know, get the momentum going.

[A]

Yes. And you need to know why you want this.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because we were talking about, hey, is it okay? Like, do you want this? Because it looks cool, right? What? It has to serve a purpose that you're missing. Right. We're just talking about the loneliness thing of, like, if you and your husband don't feel you're missing anything per se, other than the idea of a friend group, you may not need it. Right.

[B]

I mean, whenever I do, like, a big birthday party, I make sure to take a big group picture and post it. So people will be jealous.

[A]

Exactly. You do do that. You definitely do do that. And then people are going, matt, you're creating the loneliness epidemic with that picture.

[B]

I don't know if we talked about this. For my 40th birthday, as Matt knows, I rented the largest party bus in Southern California, and we had 65 of us doing a pub crawl via bus through Los Angeles. And we stopped at a. Basically a mural in downtown LA and took a picture. I'm looking at it because our buddy JMC framed it for me. And when people are over, they go, who are those all your friends? I'm like, yeah. I mean, right? I'm like, some of them we've lost.

[A]

Yeah, please. You know, you're not friends with the half today, six years later.

[B]

Well, it was pre pandemic, so can

[A]

I say this about what I think a friend group, really, most people have. Yeah, I think most people have, like two. If you're a couple, you probably have like two couple friends, a couple floaters, and, like, one. One of those being, like a real true friend you can call on a regular basis.

[B]

Yeah, but I think that's fine.

[A]

That's good. I'm saying that's good.

[B]

I think something. I think we talk about this in our Audible original. The buddy system was like, what if you have. You and Jess have a couple friend. But the. But the level of intimacy is different between girl. Girl and guy. Guy, actually. You must have.

[A]

Somebody just asked me that at a party the other day, and I was like, yeah, it's fine. That's very normal. And you're not obligated to have that same level of closeness with the guy if she's close with the girl. You know, that's. That's. That's fine, too. As long as it's not like a level of, hey, they're besties and we don't like each other, then it's a problem.

[B]

I think Excuse me, Does, does Jess just put clients on the calendar without consent?

[A]

Well, she has my consent. She has carte blanche.

[B]

Okay, well, that's amassing. Okay, interesting. So just, if you look and I forgot, do you have a Google calendar or no.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, so you, you can just look at your Google calendar and be like, oh, Sunday, she planned brunch for us.

[A]

Yep. But usually because we don't really talk during the week that much. Usually I have to just. Usually, like, if something pops up and I'm like, hold on, I think I may have something because she's obviously more diligent about it, and so I have to put the things in too, because sometimes we may have a conflict.

[B]

Well, Matt, the way your brain works, you're like, yeah, you know, sometimes I have to put things into. Yes, that's how a calendar works. It's a shared. It doesn't work if you don't do it. Yes, psychopath.

[A]

But it doesn't work as well because I don't put everything in that I have.

[B]

It's literally the whole point of the share.

[A]

No, I do put it in. I'm just saying I don't put it in the same time bound fashion that Jess and people like you, we like.

[B]

Well, let me ask. Forget about that. Like if, if, if, you know, Furman hits you up and like, can we do a brunch? Don't you have, you don't feel the need to, like, what if Jess, like, wanted to take a day off or she's working out that day or.

[A]

Yes, I always check with her.

[B]

Okay, well, that's not what I said. You said they just put stuff on the calendar without consent.

[A]

She does.

[B]

Okay, okay, fine. Reverse it. She, she put something in the calendar. Oh, going out with the Smiths. And you're like, I don't want to do that.

[A]

She knows what I want.

[B]

God, I, I, I'm so.

[A]

She's got carte blanche.

[B]

You tell me. She never puts up. What if, Forget about the what if. You just like, oh, she puts something on the calendar two weeks from now

[A]

and you're like, oh, yeah, she can listen. And I can opt out though, right?

[B]

I mean, you guys have the kids excuse, so you could opt out of anything.

[A]

Yeah, this is very true.

[B]

Yeah, this is very true.

[A]

Let's get back to the listener question. Do we, do we get down to brass tacks on what they need to hear?

[B]

Yeah, I think, first of all, it's not a problem or unusual for you to feel FOMO for a gang. You have looks like you've got four friends already. I don't know if they know each other. So maybe that's a nascent gang.

[A]

Right? Name it. Naming.

[B]

Name it. Ritualize the ritual. Just keep in mind that two thirds of people don't have gangs. So what you're seeing is not necessarily true. But that a yearning for more community. Like, I see no downside to trying to get, you know, strive for that.

[A]

Listen, here's the thing about these friend groups is they're a structure. Right. They are, you know, an artificial one that you've created. But structure is what, you know, builds the consistency and helps make this thing thrive. So that's why we're like, hey, maybe structure your two couples into a group.

[B]

What about this? Because she says, I don't have a real friend group or community. I would argue those are potentially different things. Like, community, for me, seems like neighborhood.

[A]

Yes. There's a lot of ways to have community activities. Yeah.

[B]

You know, so that. That may be something you could do that's a little bit easier without having to, like, literally make a friend.

[A]

Right. That's right.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. I think. I think we. I think we gave a. A good answer to this. Okay, guys, that was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram and we will answer it on the show. All right, Matt, let's wrap up on the friend group fallacy. Yeah.

[A]

What were the three things. Did we cover the three things that she discussed?

[B]

It was that she's longing for a friend group that most people don't have friend groups. And then the definite, like, it's okay. You can be lonely if you still have friends.

[A]

Right. Well, we definitely talked about that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And look, I get lonely because my desire for being around people is very high.

[B]

Your desire? I mean, we've talked about our friend Christina. I mean, she needs the social energy of other people 24 7.

[A]

Yeah. So I. I don't need it 24 7, but I need it a lot. But I also don't have the time or energy for it as much as I would like it. So that's where my disconnect comes in a little bit.

[B]

Do you. Well, I guess you have married with kids, so it would never happen. Like, I guess you never really have a day. I'll often have a day where I don't see anybody.

[A]

Right. When I was working in the house, I used to have a lot of days like that. And that's why I have the office to avoid that, because I need to at least walk the, you know, Walk down Largemont, say hi to people.

[B]

Right. And you. Every time you walk down Larchmont, you

[A]

see somebody that you know pretty much every single day.

[B]

Yeah. You're a real man of the people.

[A]

It's a neighborhood. I mean, it's a community.

[B]

Do you ever walk around, like, your office and. And say hello to the other office mates?

[A]

We're now friends with one of them. We just had lunch the other day.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Very on brand for me. The secretary who runs the office, she's a singer. We're gonna go see her play. So.

[B]

Yeah, can we. Can we say something?

[A]

And the owner of the building was taking us out to his club for a holiday, but I was sick. He took Dan out to lunch, so. Yes, his club, Wilshire Country Club.

[B]

Oh, got it, got it, got it. Yeah. I mean, this is a conversation for another day. But there's all this, you know, I feel like the club, the private club scene in LA and in the country is like having this upheaval now. Not country club. I'm talking about Soho House and all these.

[A]

Oh, you mean they're all disappearing. They're all falling apart, but then, like,

[B]

new ones are coming and. And it's.

[A]

It's a shuffling of the deck a little bit, for sure, in terms of club clubs. But we should do that as another episode.

[B]

Yeah. I think we have talked. Well, I think maybe we talked about country clubs as a. Yeah, as a real relatable.

[A]

Relatable social club.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We didn't do a social club one.

[B]

Yeah, social clubs.

[A]

Yeah. So friend group fallacy. How do we put a bow on this that's helpful to our listeners.

[B]

Well, I think the same thing for their listener question. If you have in. First of all, if you have individual friends and they are good friends, that first of all, consider yourself lucky. I mean, you're ahead of the game. 15 of American men have no friends, so you're doing pretty well. It's.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Quite normal. And to be expected to have FOMO for a big group, even though it's a little bit of a fallacy that everybody's doing it, they're not.

[A]

And it's only healthy if it's something you actually need that is missing in your overall social fitness. Do not, you know, chase the Instagram moment, the Cairo photo of a big group, because it's not really. Doesn't even know half those people.

[B]

But. Yeah, but I see nothing wrong. I mean, unless you're, like, dissing or leaving behind your existing friends, I don't see any problem with you know, striving for to create a friend group or putting, you know, I think we've done an episode about, you know, world colliding, bringing different people together. You know, one of our tips is always celebrate your birthday next time you have a birthday party. Even if you're inviting 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 people who don't usually all hang out together. It's good incubator. Oh, Matt. Okay, great. So, so that was our episode on friend group fallacy. Guys, let us know if like, how are you feeling about this? Like, do you, do you feel like your friend groups are serving you? Are you looking to make a new friend group? Are you feeling lonely even though you have friends? Please let us know. Thank you for listening. Always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy. And he loves me too.

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