#184 - Invite Yourself

Summary

Podcast Summary: Man of the Year – Champions of Friendship

Episode #184: "Invite Yourself" (May 12, 2026)

Hosts: Matt Ritter & Aaron Karo

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Matt and Aaron tackle the usually unspoken social strategy of "inviting yourself"—whether to events, gatherings, or even casual hangouts. They challenge the myths and stigmas around self-inviting, argue it’s an underutilized approach to combating loneliness and exclusion, and share personal stories, advice, and listener questions to encourage more proactive social behavior among friends. The hosts stay true to their signature tone: witty, honest, and encouraging, with plenty of friendly banter and real-life anecdotes.

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Key Discussion Points

1. The Catalyst: Invitation Jiu Jitsu (00:23–02:32)

• Matt recounts a recent event:
  At a party, a friend directly says, "I'm inviting myself over" to Matt's pool. Matt is struck by how effective—and refreshing—the bluntness is, sparking the idea for the episode.
• Aaron dubs it: “Invitation jiu jitsu… He used your strengths against you.” (01:45)

2. Busting the Myths of Self-Inviting (02:33–06:42)

• Myth 1: “If they wanted me there, they’d invite me.”
  • Matt argues this is false—people are busy, forgetful, or assume you’re not interested.

    "I think people are busy. They forget. They sometimes don’t think you’d want to come." – Matt (02:47)

  • Aaron completely agrees, reinforcing that people aren't always thinking about you (03:11).
• Myth 2: “People don’t like it when you invite yourself.”
  • Matt dismisses this, saying he and many others appreciate someone taking the initiative:

    "I’m not like, how dare they? I’m like, oh, this is easy. This is good for me." – Matt (03:31)

  • They emphasize radical self-awareness on both sides; understand the situation but don’t default to thinking you’re a burden.

    “Your baseline should be that you’re wanted, not that you’re an imposition.” – Matt (05:39)

• Language Matters
  • The phrasing you use can make a big difference. “Mind if I join?” or “What can I bring?” feels better than “Sorry to invite myself…”

    “I like what your friend did… It was very confident and direct… but still diplomatic.” – Aaron (06:42)

  • Aaron suggests, “if you’re the one inviting yourself and the other person balks, you need to be self-aware and be like, all right, no worries.” (06:52–07:27)

3. Parental Anecdotes and Pool Party Etiquette (08:13–10:49)

• Matt and Aaron get into the specifics of kids’ pool parties and parental responsibilities, highlighting classic hosting challenges and etiquette pet peeves.
  • Matt’s rule: If your kid is in the pool, you should be too.

    “Have people over the pool, and then they don’t go in, but their kid does… I’m not watching your kid!” – Matt (09:34)

  • Discussion expands to the hosting experience with children—can parents at kid-friendly parties actually relax? Lots of laughs and relatable moments for listeners with young kids.

4. The Realities of Initiation and Friendship Maintenance (10:49–15:10)

• The hosts shift back, underscoring that all friend groups need initiators—self-inviting is just another form.
  • “Inviting yourself is maybe initiating… reframing it right—initiating that friendship a little more.” – Matt (04:34)
• They briefly digress into Matt’s current challenges with his child's potty training, offering some comic relief before returning to the main topic.

5. Listener Question – “Asking for a Friend” Segment (17:48–30:38)

The Situation

A listener lives near two close friends (a married couple with kids), who frequently hang with other neighborhood couples—but rarely invite the listener.

“Part of me feels like I should just text, ‘hey, I’m coming by,’… [but] another part… is like, if they wanted me there, why would they invite me?” (17:58)

Hosts’ Advice

• Don’t Assume Exclusion is Malice:
  • “Don’t always assume that your single friend doesn’t want to come.” – Aaron (18:46)
• Assumptions Go Both Ways:
  • People fall back on routine, convenience, and are not mind readers.

    “It’s not necessarily rejection; it’s not not getting invited, it’s just not active.” – Matt (20:09)

  • “You earn your way into this regular rotation by making it easy, showing up…” (20:52)
• Conversation is Key:
  • Broach the subject, clarify you'd actually enjoy coming:

    “Step one is just have a convo… If they go, ‘well, it’s all kid stuff,’ you could just be like, ‘cool, I’ll pop by.’” – Matt (26:32)

• Rejection is Rare, But OK:
  • Both sides reassured: declining an invite hurts no one, and asking is not offensive.
  • Aaron: “I can’t even think of an example of someone inviting themselves to something I didn’t want them to—or I said no.” (31:37)

Notable Banter

• On party invites:

  “It costs you nothing except your paperless post token.” – Aaron (23:35) “Those cost money, actually.” – Matt (23:43)

• On kids’ parties:

  “Is there alcohol?” – Aaron (23:28)
  “No, I don’t think so.” – Matt (23:30)

6. Final Takeaways & New Man of the Year Principle (31:05–31:58)

• Aaron coins a new core value for the friendship toolkit:

  “Invite yourself. It should be another one of our tenets—a new tenet.” (31:58)

• Matt expects a national movement:

  “People are going to blame us for this trend of everyone inviting themselves everywhere now.” (31:32)

• The hosts encourage feedback and invite listener stories about self-invitation.

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Notable Quotes

• “Your baseline should be that you’re wanted, not that you’re an imposition.”
  – Matt (05:39)
• “Inviting yourself is maybe initiating… reframing it as initiating that friendship a little more.”
  – Matt (04:34)
• “Don’t always assume that your single friend doesn’t want to come. You can always set the invitation and they could decline and you could be okay with that.”
  – Aaron (18:46)
• “If you miss your friends, just let them know and tell them you want to hang out with them.”
  – Matt (30:15)
• “Invite yourself. It should be another one of our tenets.”
  – Aaron (31:58)

---

Important Timestamps

• 00:23 — Story that motivated the episode: self-inviting pool party anecdote
• 02:33–06:42 — Busting self-inviting myths and discussing language
• 08:13–10:49 — Pool party parenting, etiquette, and comic asides
• 17:48–30:38 — Listener question segment: feeling left out, making the move, and social scenario roleplays
• 31:05–31:58 — New friendship tenet established: “Invite yourself”

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Episode Tone & Style

As always, Matt and Aaron keep it real, blending practical friendship advice with irreverent humor and honest stories from their lives. The vibe is supportive, never preachy, and strives to normalize asking for inclusion, reframing it as confident, not desperate.

Bottom Line:
Sick of feeling left out? Take the initiative—invite yourself! Most friends will be happy you reached out, and at worst, you’ll clarify expectations. It might just be the nudge your group (and you) needs—so go ahead and be “that guy.”

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To submit your own friendship dilemma or story, DM the show on Instagram @Manoftheyearpodcast.

Transcript

[A]

Man of the year.

[B]

Man of the year. Man of the Year. Welcome to the number one friendship podcast in the country. I'm Matt Ritter.

[A]

I'm Aaron Caro.

[B]

Guys, go to man of the Year podcast.com or YouTube to see our pretty faces get our merch. Caro, I had something funny happen the other day. I was at a party, and a friend of ours was like, hey, how you doing? Blah, blah, blah, I haven't seen you in a while. And, like, within two minutes, had invited themselves over to my pool for a swim. And my first reaction was like, all right. Yeah, okay. That's. That's like. It was like I didn't even realize what had just happened. I was like, I just made plans to have somebody come over my pool without me kind of realizing. And then as I started thinking about it, I'm like, yeah, why don't more people just do that? So then I thought I told you about this last week. I'm like, why don't we do an episode about inviting yourself places? Because we talk a lot about being the friend and inviting others places, but we never talk about inviting yourself to places. But at the same time, I find that our listeners biggest gripe is that, like, they never get invited places and they feel excluded. So I wanted to talk to you just in general, about your initial take on this idea of, like, shouldn't you just be inviting yourself places more?

[A]

Okay, well, first of all, I want to know, by the way, this was like invitation jiu jitsu. He used your strengths against you. What did he or she say

[B]

was just like, you know, I haven't seen you in a while, blah, blah, we should get the kids together. And then he literally just said, I'm inviting myself over.

[A]

Oh, he literally said, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's what made me think about it as an episode idea, because it was so direct, and it was like. I was like, of course I'm gonna say yes, right? Like, it's a person I like anyway. And so it just hit me up, like, there's so many. I wanted to unpack some. Some ideas that basically based on this, I wanted to hit you with some ideas. Some. Some talk. Some. Some myths, maybe.

[A]

Okay, you ready?

[B]

You ready to hear the myths?

[A]

Can I say one thing first?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This has got to be some, you know, only a really good friend or maybe that's a myth would be able to do that.

[B]

I'm not sure. Let's go through the myths. Number number one, I call it the invite myth. If they wanted me there, they would invite me. I Think that's not true. I think people are busy. They forget. They sometimes don't think you'd want to come. I don't know. What do you think about that? Just that's. I think that's, like, the number one misconception.

[A]

No, I love. I love that. Total myth. I mean, again, for all the reasons you said, like, not everybody's thinking about you all the time. They don't know what your deal is. People, you know, 100. I'm on totally. Agreement number two.

[B]

That people don't like it. Right. That people don't like it if people invite themselves over. I actually think, like, for me, again, you know, I talk about this like neighbors, pop ins, whatever. Obviously, I like it. I'm not like, how dare they? I'm like, oh, this is easy. This is good for me. This is like, make killing my five to seven. And this is a little context, maybe, Right. Obviously. Like you said, radical self awareness. My parents, friends know that between, like, whatever, four to six, it's just hard to kill that time. And so a lot of times I'm like, great. The more the merrier.

[A]

Hard to. Hard to kill or fill.

[B]

Fill. Kill, kill. How to kill the time.

[A]

You mean with the kids? Yeah, because they. They're not going to bed yet, and they're running around, and you got to do something with it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So you're. You're. You're. Your work day is being compressed and compressed into being almost. It ends at three. It starts at, you know, nine. I mean, how do you do it?

[B]

Let's not get into that, Carol. It's a dark. It'll put me into a dark place. All right, so, you know, this isn't necessarily a myth, but we talk about how, you know, like, be the friend, blah, blah. But we've also talked about in friend groups, like, people need initiate, people need drivers. Like, you know, inviting yourself is maybe initiating, you know, maybe just reframing it. Right. Initiating that friendship a little more.

[A]

Can we. Can we just go back to the previous myth? What was the myth of. Of the four to six?

[B]

Oh, just that, you know, people don't like it when you invite yourself. You know, just like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

In general.

[A]

Right. But you're. You're. You're pr. You're practicing radical self awareness, but the other person also has to practice radical self awareness. I mean, no one's inviting.

[B]

You have to know what's going on. You have to know what's going on. I think I'm trying to eliminate the myth that your. Your baseline is that you're an imposition.

[A]

Oh, I see. No, I love that you're. You're. Your baseline is that you're. That you're. That you're wanted.

[B]

Exactly. Your baseline should be that you're wanted, not that you're an imposition.

[A]

Yeah, no, you're not in a position if you. If you were an imposition. People who are in positions do not think enough to wonder whether they're in positions or not.

[B]

Yep. How about also changing the language of the way you even say it?

[A]

Okay, so.

[B]

Because I think I was a little bit. I mean, there was like. I was like, oh, that's. It was very confident and direct the way they said it. But it's like, I'm inviting myself over.

[A]

It's like, is it.

[B]

Is it better to say, like, instead of saying, like, oh, I'm crashing, like, mind of join or, you know, mind if we. If we, you know, if we come too, or like, instead of being like, sorry to invite myself, like, maybe it's just like, I'm down too. What can I bring? Or something. I don't know. I'm just throwing out there.

[A]

I kind of like what your friend did because just.

[B]

Just boom. But.

[A]

But somehow it's still diplomatic. Like, you're not being a dick about it. Like, if you say, can I come to. Or I'm coming. That's a little. A little more aggressive than can I just invite myself? I'm just going to invite myself because it gives you a little bit more wiggle room if you want to get out of it, by the way. If you. We. We. We need. If you're the inviting yourself and the other person box, you need to be self aware to be like, all right, no worries.

[B]

Right? The second there's a pause or like a deliberation on it, that's them telling you, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's play this out. Right. So it's like, hey, oh, you haven't. You're having a pool party. Oh, yeah. I'm just inviting myself over. Is that cool?

[A]

Oh, man. I mean, yeah, just like, we have a lifeguard and there's just. And I just don't know if I can, like, I'd love to. Let's do another time maybe, Or. Or.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no problem. No problem. No, no, no problem. We'll just plan something.

[A]

I think you waited. You waited too long.

[B]

I waited too long. I waited too long. Well, you said the lifeguard thing, so I was like, wait, if. I was like, wait, if there's a lifeguard, then how anybody can come.

[A]

Is that. Is that a thing? I made that up, by the way.

[B]

You made that up. I don't know. Are people having lifeguards at their house? At their. At their house, pool parties?

[A]

Well, I don't know. I suppose, yeah. I don't know. I suppose. I don't know. This is a little tangential, but when you have a party, that's an adult party, but kids are invited. Okay. Which you have had many. I feel like the parents can't really have that much fun or they're limited.

[B]

It's different. I don't know. We. I think we're having fun. I gotta be honest. I think we're having a good time.

[A]

We do have fun, but, like, you need to keep one. You need to prevent the death of your child at every time.

[B]

Well, yeah. You have to be a responsible fund. It has to be a response, not an irresponsible phone. You're right. We can't have irresponsible fun anymore.

[A]

But. But if. Can you. Can your kid. When your kids are getting. Getting up there? At least. At least Brenner is. Your kids can't be in the pool without you.

[B]

No, I can't fully relax, if that's what you're asking. I can't fully relax ever for the rest of my life. What do you mean?

[A]

The reason I bring up lifeguard is that if you go to a pool party with a kid, do you have to go in the pool with your kid?

[B]

Or somebody's got to be in there with him. That's sometimes. Like, this is a pet peeve.

[A]

Okay, here we go.

[B]

Have people over the pool, and then they don't go in, but their kid does. Like, I'm not gonna go in, though. You don't mind, do you? I'm not watching your kid. What?

[A]

Right. Well, that's what I'm saying. Are you in the pool?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're like, go swim with Uncle Matt. Sometimes you just.

[B]

Sometimes you do it because. Listen, sometimes you do it because, like, even sometimes when I'm hosting, I'm doing other stuff and my kids want to stay in. So sometimes a parent is watching my kid and their kid, so it just. It's just kind of like, all evens out at the end.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. It's. It's tough, man. I mean, like, these kids, they. They're fast under the water, like torpedoes.

[B]

Yeah. You know, but I don't like when parents come over and they're like, I'm not going in the pool, you know?

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Like, no, no, everybody's going in the pool. We're all going to the pool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kids are going.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Am I crazy for thinking that should be the rule?

[A]

Well, I. Yeah, that's sort of why I was saying lifeguard, right?

[B]

No, I like your lifeguard idea, but let's go back to the idea of like invitations. I think people are over indexing for how much people thought people put in their invitations.

[A]

Well, another thing I thought of, Matt, is like, are you never. Is the person who's inviting him or herself, do they ever invite you somewhere? I mean, have you ever gone to this person's house?

[B]

Right. Yes. Answer is yes for me.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, so. So I think, you know, you got to know your place. You got to know like if this, if what your relationship is like. But I think you also have to

[B]

get a mat who's. You have to get a mat who's a yes person.

[A]

Right. You need to find, you need to separate the person from their partner who's more of a no person, and get the gas. And then you have to go to your jazz and be like, these people are coming. Also, like, did you pick a specific date?

[B]

No, not, not at the time.

[A]

So this is really more of a amorphous kind of thing.

[B]

Yep. Yeah.

[A]

Like. Well, has there been follow up since?

[B]

No, because it just happened.

[A]

Got it, got it, got it, got it. I mean, because I was just going to say, because your Google Doc is. Your Google calendar is flawed. We're trying to podcast and you're like, I have, I have a potty training session. Like, well then how'd you know?

[B]

I mean, honestly, by the way, if anybody's watching this, the reason that we're doing this in my office, as opposed to my normal podcast studio, which is my house, is because we're literally in the middle of it right this weekend. Pot training.

[A]

But I mean, I'm gonna ask a series of dumb questions. Potty training presumably is when he's using, when he's pooping. What about the other 50 minutes of the hour when he's not pooping?

[B]

Just in the house. We took him out of school today.

[A]

But in the house doing what? Playing with his toys?

[B]

Yeah. And then inside, outside, just around the house.

[A]

How often does a three year old poop?

[B]

I don't know. Once a poop. Peeing. Peeing too. That's the main.

[A]

How often does a three year old use a restroom?

[B]

I don't. Every hour.

[A]

Okay, so for an hour he's playing with his toys, doing whatever, and then he goes, ma Dad, I gotta pee. And you're like, well, we're doing something new today. Is that it?

[B]

No, no, we. The kid expresses. No, no, the kid expresses that. He's read there's a readiness for potty training that they understand the toilet. You've had the potty around. They've been messing around with it a bunch before. You actually do the weekend where you're like, this is the weekend it's gonna happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And for some people, it takes, like, months.

[A]

Right. But. But talk me through. Are we literally going, okay, this is how you do. You open the thing and you take your penis out and you pee. Or you're just. Or just. He going, I don't want to do.

[B]

Yes, we've already taught that. But we're. But I'm saying my point is, when you get to the potty training weekend that we're at, we've already done that many times.

[A]

So what. So what's. What's the problem?

[B]

To make him do it every single time from now on, no more diapers.

[A]

Yeah, but this. I guess what I'm asking is, does he want to do it?

[B]

Well, that's what I'm saying. He's ready. They express a readiness to do it. Yeah, that, like, they would say, like, you got to wait till they tell you they're ready to do it. You can't, like, force a kid into it a lot of the time.

[A]

Got it. So. And then you'll be like, all right, Brenner, you said you were ready, so this is what you're going to do. And his key. They're gonna go, no. Yes. We're gonna miss the toilet completely.

[B]

And then. Yeah, a lot of that. I mean, it's. Yeah. The house is gonna be messy.

[A]

So you're going. You're also.

[B]

Kira would not like it.

[A]

So you're transitioning from changing his diaper to wiping his butt, basically.

[B]

Changing his diaper. No, he's gonna wipe. What?

[A]

I don't think when you're. You don't think you wipe your own butt? I think you get your butt wiped. I think I remember. Yeah.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Once they're. Once they're potty trained, they learn how to wipe. I mean, you're gonna help them for a while.

[A]

Yeah, Right, right, right. No, I remember getting my. My butt wiped for a while.

[B]

You remember it?

[A]

I think I remember. I'm gonna ask my mom. How. How. I mean, he. Is he not gonna remember this?

[B]

He's not gonna remember this? I don't know, actually. I think three is when you start, remember.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You remember getting your butt wiped?

[A]

I think so. But maybe it was, I don't know, maybe because I was 10. Anyway, all right, so. So you want to go to a listener question? You want to. What do you talk to me?

[B]

Yeah, let's take a listen. Let's take.

[A]

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[A]

Okay guys, this is asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question or ethical dilemma, send it to us on Instagram at Man of the year podcast, and we will answer on the show. Matt, take it away.

[B]

Kro. I feel like this is a Ko special. Hey, Matt and Kiro. I live, like, 10 minutes from two of my closest friends. They're married with kids, and I know in italics that they hang out with other couples in the neighborhood pretty regularly. I almost never get invited. Part of me feels like I should just text, hey, I'm coming by, or can I join? But another part of me is like, they wanted me there. Why would they invite me? At what point are you inviting yourself versus just forcing your way into something you're clearly not actually included in?

[A]

Right. Great question. And we have tackled something somewhat similar. Ish. About kids birthday parties.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And what? I think it's a similar answer, which is that. Yeah, first of all, actually, I think it's a little different for this. Like, if you're the party thrower, if you're hanging out, if you're married, hanging out with a couple friends, don't always assume that your single friend doesn't want to come. You can always set the invitation and they could decline and you could be okay with that. I think it's okay for you to hang out with your couple friends and it be a couple's night and a single guy is not invited. Sometimes I think it's okay for the single guy to decline a couple friend invitation, Right. This probably warrants a conversation. And I bet you if the guy says to his friends, hey, you know, I don't mind hanging out with sue and blah, blah, blah, they'd be like, oh, really? Oh, I just figured you. You wouldn't want to do that. And he goes, no, I. I like them.

[B]

And I think it's yes and good. Let's take that one step further. Not I don't mind them or whatever. It's like, I think it's more like I want to get to know them better or something. You know, like, part of it is this disconnect of the truth of, like, you know, this is probably going on a little bit between us. Like, you, you know, I have all these, like, new dad friends. You have varying degrees of, like, familiarity with some of them, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we fill our. Our heads with whatever story is the worst one, right? That I'm not wanted is the worst one. We always fill our heads. But the truth is, right now I'm defaulting to convenience, right? I'm defaulting to proximity, friends, couples nearby. I assume Cairo's doing his own thing, right? So then you just become not in the regular Rotation of that thing. Right. It's not necessarily rejection. It's not. Not getting invited. It's just not active, I guess. And you don't earn your way into this, like, regular rotation by just making up these stories in your mind.

[D]

Right.

[B]

You earn it by making it easy showing up, kind of like letting them know you want to be part of this thing.

[A]

I think what Matt is saying, he's calling me friend emeritus.

[B]

Well, I did invite you, actually, I. I did invite you. I was on the block yesterday and I did invite you to a bar. I was there with a couple dads.

[A]

Yes, yes. That was very.

[B]

That was very nice. You said too busy.

[A]

I said too busy. Right. And you didn't take offense and that was fine.

[B]

No, I didn't. I didn't take offense. But I did think to myself, oh, I'm in the neighborhood, I should invite him.

[A]

So I think it's.

[B]

The onus is a little bit on both parties.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I think that we have said in the past to the person in the couple, the person with kids, don't just assume that the single person doesn't want to hang out or do this stuff. I mean, unless they've said I hate those people or I hate kids.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, we have. We have our friend Dan who doesn't like kids, so he doesn't get invited to that stuff. But he doesn't. No. My big Canadian Dan. Yeah, he just.

[B]

Right. He doesn't like it. He's expressed that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So he was like, if there's kids around, do not invite me.

[A]

Basically. Yes.

[B]

That's hilarious. I did not know.

[A]

He just says no to every. Everything like that. And like, honestly, I respect it.

[B]

I mean, Cairo says no to 90 of those.

[A]

Well, let's actually talk about this on pod. I think that it is appropriate that I decline your upcoming birthday party. Kids birthday party. Okay.

[B]

Oh, you don't have to come to that.

[A]

I. I know I don't have to, but this particular one, and thank you for your invitation, is I believe it's a Peppa Pig themed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

First. First one year plus three year together at a play gym.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you're under zero obligation to come to that.

[A]

I know I'm not. I know. Yeah. What'd you say?

[B]

I said, I'll clear on air.

[A]

Yeah. I don't even know if I'm allowed in a peppered pig themed play gym or. What is it? What is it? What is it? Actually, it's.

[B]

It's one of those places we're just hiring a Peppa Pig character.

[A]

So a place based playground?

[B]

Yeah, an indoor one. Like a gym. Like a my gym.

[A]

Is there alcohol?

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[A]

Yeah, I think that. But it was interesting because you. It cost you nothing except your paperless post token.

[B]

Those cost money, actually.

[A]

I know, I know. That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Those tokens are not cheap.

[A]

I know, that's what I'm saying. So it costs you something, but in reality, you know, sending that invitation, it costs you nothing. Me saying no doesn't offend you? No. Everyone's happy and everybody.

[B]

Are you gonna get him a gift?

[A]

Am I gonna get him a gift? What's the clawback.

[B]

If they don't turn the next year that dark?

[A]

No, no. If you. I don't know. If you get the. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. So now I think the same thing. Imagine you were having four couples over for a dinner party where you and Jess were cooking. You're making your famous Caesar.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Now, I could say I would love to come. And I think everybody's happy unless there are a couple friends who are like, why is a single guy coming? But I don't think. Would anybody say that?

[B]

No, I don't think in life, friends.

[A]

But in the world. Is that a thing that a couple friend would say in the world?

[B]

No, I don't think so. I really don't.

[A]

So I could say, what about this? Perhaps the friend who isn't a couple is afraid of rejection. What if. What if you invite me to a couple thing and I'm like, you know, I don't. I don't really want to go. Would you be like, oh, now I feel shitty?

[B]

No, I don't think so. I think what's going on is assumptions are being made, and they're not irrational assumptions. The assumption is you don't want to come over for a pool hang where there are kids with a bunch of young parents and young kids. And that assumption may be right or wrong, but it's an assumption that's happening just based on, you know, your thoughts about this. These people are listener listeners. Friends think you don't want to come over and hang out with us and our kids.

[A]

Wait, their kids? I thought it was just couple friends.

[B]

No, it said they had kids. Oh, I don't know when the hangouts are happening, with or without kid. I don't know if it's that he's not getting invited. I don't know if it's with or without kids. But I'm saying, yeah, you're right. Maybe it's dinner parties. Maybe it's dinner parties with other couples. You know, I mean, clearly, generally, like, at this, if they have young kids,

[A]

the kids are around, clearly the couple, friend and friend is going, oh, well, Jimmy. That's my fake name. Jimmy. This isn't for Jimmy. He's not gonna like this. He's not gonna come. And, and I don't think there's any malice. What malice? And there, there just happened to be a mis. They didn't happen to be wrong.

[B]

Right. And we always say, look, your friends are not mind readers. So step one is just have a convo of like, I haven't seen you in a while. And if they go, well, you know, it's just like, we're doing the kids stuff all the time. We're kind of at the house. You could just be like, cool, I'll pop by. Like, just be like, I'll pop by and then you'll know, you know, if they're just like, nah, we don't want you popping by. Yeah.

[A]

Or you just need. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I was gonna say, the odds are they're gonna be like, yeah, of course.

[A]

Yeah. Or forget about the Poppins. You could just say, you know, when you're hanging out with the kids and, and sue and Nancy, like, I'm happy to come, blah, blah, blah. Because a poppin's more of an imposition there if they're already having an event.

[B]

You're right. I'm happy to come. I'm happy to come as a good direct line thinking.

[A]

I, I, yeah, I'd love to come. They're probably gonna go, really?

[B]

Like, yeah,

[A]

I, I think, I think, you know, unless for again, for what? I can't even think of a reason why the other friend would be like, no, we don't want this guy here. And I think it's fine. I think it's totally fine.

[B]

Right, right, right. And they're probably just assuming that you're doing your own thing.

[A]

Let me, let me do a little swerve, though. I do think, okay, it is important for the question asker to cultivate friendships with people who don't have kids or don't, aren't married or in a couple.

[B]

So I'm a big yes on this.

[A]

Okay, so you agree?

[B]

I'm a big yes because, you know, I, I just truly believe friendships have seasons. And sometimes your friendships are aligning just with where your phase is. Maybe you're working in the same office, maybe you have kids the same age, maybe you're living in the same town. And then when you're not in that total alignment, you just may not see each other as much. And that doesn't mean like the good feelings aren't there. And it can't like be re energized or whatever. But that consistency is, you know, how friendships kind of live in the moment. So otherwise you're in this situation where you're having these like weird feelings about something that you can't really get into a good friendship groove with in the moment.

[A]

Yeah. I just think you also want to be around people who are sharing your current life situation values. We've talked about that. It's just good to have single friends who are more available to hang out. And I just think it's like a good, positive thing. And you know, there's plenty of single people and people with kids and maybe they're of different ages than you. It doesn't matter. It's good to have both. Right. Because I do.

[B]

If Kira wants somebody who could stay up past 8pm, I'm not the guy right now.

[A]

Right, right, exactly. It's like also, it's like,

[B]

I know.

[A]

Just puts less pressure on your friendships with people who are in different life stages that you don't have to say yes to their couple night kid Peppa Pig party because you've got other stuff to do.

[B]

I think that's really important what you just said. Less pressure on the relationship.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, that's why we've also always said it's good to have one friend and better than none. The two is better than one and three is better than two. I mean, just to have people go out of town, people move, people pass away. I mean, you just. You need to just have a little bit of a portfolio. A bro, A port brolio, as we call it.

[B]

Exactly right. And that's probably what this listener is feeling. It's like you're feeling that because maybe every weekend you don't have, you know, options that are getting you excited. But if you miss your friends, just let them know and tell him you want to hang out with them.

[A]

That's exactly what I'm saying. If he's got a couple buddies that want to go out drinking with him, he doesn't give a that his friends, quote, secretly hanging out with his couple friends because who cares? Let him do what they want. You could all see him another time.

[B]

Right. Like, do you care that we're having 4:00pm Pizza parties?

[A]

No, I don't even want to know about it.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

All right, guys, that was asking for a friend. If you have a friendship question, send it to us on Instagram. Will answer on the show. Matt, any last words? By the way, I want the title of this episode to be like Aziz Ansari, treat yourself. I wanted to be Invite yourself.

[B]

Invite yourself. Okay. Okay. We can change that.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I just, I, I think it's one of those things that not enough. Not enough. Not enough of us are doing it.

[A]

Yeah. This falls. This is a corollary to be the friend. Be the friend is, you know, inviting other people to stuff. But if you feel comfortable, like, you can also invite yourself if something's going on and, and it's, it's, it's appropriate.

[B]

Watch. People are going to blame us for this trend of everyone inviting themselves everywhere now.

[A]

I mean, I can't even think of an example of someone inviting themselves. Something that I was doing that I didn't want them two or I said no.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. I don't even, I can't even, like, I don't even, you know, like, I, I think people welcome in, you know, people welcome you in their lives most of the time.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway. All right, so I, I, I think that your, your buddy made a good move. I think invite yourself. It should be another one of our tenants, a new tenant tenant. And guys, let us know if you have ever invited yourself to something else or someone's invited to yours. And how'd you react? All right, guys, thanks so much for listening. Always remember, be good to yourself. Be good to your friends. Love you, buddy.

[D]

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[B]

Novo Nordisk if you like the show,

[A]

please take a moment to rate, review and subscribe.

[B]

It really does help the show to grow.

[A]

Thank you for listening.