Eduardo (0:00)

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Jimmy Evans (0:34)

Hi, I'm Jimmy Evans and this is the Marriage Day Podcast. On this season of the podcast, we're highlighting one of my favorite teaching series. Marriage on the Rock was first printed in 1994 and has helped millions of couples since. In Marriage on the Rock, we cover what it takes to have a successful biblical marriage. In today's episode, I'm talking about the power of positive communication. Enjoy this teaching.

Jimmy Evans (0:59)

Communication is the way we know people. I mean, you can't know a person in marriage unless you communicate. It's how you fall in love. It's how you become one. I mean, it's just, it's how we understand the other person's heart. It's how we talk about problems. It's how we resolve issues. It's how we talk about needs. It is so important. You know, when an enemy, when you're fighting an enemy, one of the things they want to do in war is to cut your communication lines. They don't want you communicating with each other. Cause once they cut your communication, they can confuse you and defeat you. So in marriage, the enemy does not want us to communicate. So he's always trying everything he can to violate and cut the communication lines within our marriages. And so I want to talk about just the importance of communication in marriage. And I'm going to talk about two things. The first thing I want to talk about is avoiding the common dangers and problems of communication in marriage. Just avoiding the common problems. And there are two One is not understanding the power of words. And this is very important. Now. You know, we live in a smart, elite society, a very vulgar, smart eloquy society where people use words very carelessly. In fact, when you watch television, this has gotten worse. It's gotten much worse than since I was a kid. And just like every year it gets worse. The profanity. There was a report that came out this week that was talking about the nudity and profanity on primetime television. You can hear just about any word you could ever want to hear. You know, on television in prime time, because our society is becoming more vulgar. But Proverbs 18 says this. A man's stomach shall be satisfied from the fruit of his mouth. From the produce of his lips, he shall be filled. Death and life are in the power of the tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruit. And let me just tell you something. That is the truth. Words are nuclear. God came to a void world and created a paradise with this. The power of life is in your mouth. Every great marriage is full of positive words. And every bad marriage either has bad words or no words. Words give life, but words can kill. And let me just tell you something. God has a plan for your life and your marriage. And Satan has a plan for your life and your marriage. And here's God's plan for your life. He wants to use your mouth to give life to you and everyone around you. And he wants to use your mouth to heal and to build everything around you. God created this world with his words. We create our world with our words. And if we don't like our world, we need to understand our words have the power of life. And they are nuclear. They're not incidental. They're nuclear. But the devil has a will for your life and your marriage, and he wants to use your mouth to destroy yourself and other people. And we decide who we're gonna partner with. I was the devil's partner because I didn't understand the power of words. And I've never been at a loss for words. And that's not a good thing. I know that my mouth operates faster than my brain and gets me in trouble. But as a young man, I was articulate. That's my gift. I mean, God called me to speak. I was articulate. I was never lost for words. And I was very vulgar. I used every cuss word in the book before I got saved. And. And when you made me mad when I didn't like you or something like that, you were in trouble, and I would just unleash my mouth. And even after I got saved and Karen and I were married, I destroyed my wife and my marriage with my mouth. When I got angry, when I got frustrated, even when I stopped the cursing and all that, I still was very negative. I was very sarcastic. I could become very hateful. And when our marriage. When we got to the night where we almost separated and I went in and apologized to Karen for the first time for all the nonsense that I had done, she said, you, mouth is the worst thing you've ever done to me. And I'll just tell you that's just the way that it is. You know, verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse. As bad as physical abuse is, verbal abuse can actually leave worse scars than physical abuse because of the nuclear effect of words in our life. And so we live in a smart eloquy society where words are very casually spoken, very negative, very hateful words are casually spoken. But if you're going to communicate effectively in marriage, you have to understand that words are nuclear. Now here's what Jesus said about words. This is how serious it is. Matthew 12 I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. And so someone might say, words are meaningless, who cares? It's my mouth, I'll use it any way I want to. Every idle word. Jesus said every idle word that men may speak, it'll be brought back in the day of judgment. Listen, it's being recorded. Here are five common deceptions concerning words and communication. These are five things that people think. The first is words are evaporative. That when I speak, the words just evaporate and they're gone. They're. There's sound waves and as soon as the sound wave stops, it's gone. Those of you that are listening to me right now, here, another campus television, wherever you're watching, you're devastated over something that someone spoke to you 10 or 20 years ago. Words don't evaporate. They're recorded in heaven and they're lodged in people's hearts. And I remember, I remember when I was a kid, I remember the, the encouragers in my life and I remember the people who spoke destiny over me. But I also remember the hateful things that were spoken to me as a kid and they wounded my spirit. I didn't know how to deal with them. And they stay with you. They don't go away. Words don't evaporate. When you're finished being smart, eloquent, when you're finished being sarcastic, when you're finished being hateful, people are affected by those words. The second deception is words are non revealing. In other words, you say, well, I didn't really mean that. That's not really my heart. No, you really did. Because Matthew 12 says this. Jesus says, either make the tree good, that's our hearts and the fruit, that's our words, or make the tree bad, our heart bad, and the fruit bad. For a tree is known by Its fruit, brood of vipers. How can you, being evil, speak good things? For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things. An evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth evil things. You know your heart by your mouth. And so let me just give you some examples. Sarcasm means anger and disrespect. It just does. Teasing. You know, Karen and I tease a lot. There's nothing wrong with teasing because teasing has no victim. Teasing is funny and there is no victim. Sarcasm has a victim and sarcasm is a form of anger. It's anger when you're cutting each other down, when you're being sarcastic. There's anger in here. And because I haven't dealt with it properly, I'm going to use my mouth to bully you and get you back sarcastically so I can get away with it. Hatefulness, bitterness and cruelty means unforgiveness. When you're hateful, it just means you haven't forgiven a person. It's unforgiveness. Disrespect means devaluation and taking a person for granted. When you're disrespectful, silence means separation. I'm checking out, I'm punishing you. There's something wrong. Abuse of speech means a lack of faith in God and a desire to punish and control. Profanity means a lack of respect for God, others and a lack of respect for the power of words. Your words are telling about you. You can't say they're non revealing. Jesus said, a tree is known by its fruit. A heart is known by its words. Either make your heart good or your heart bad. Either make your words good or your words bad. But out of the abundance of your heart you speak. So don't say, that's not my heart. It is. Your words are your heart. Tell yourself the truth. Listen to what's coming out of your mouth. And when you hear bad words coming out of your mouth, you're saying, I need to deal with my heart. There's something wrong with my heart. And it is. That's what Jesus was saying. They're the Pharisees, number three. Words are substitutionary. I can just use words and not follow through. And when I was an idiot husband with the, you know, doing everything other than loving my wife Karen would say, you don't love me. And I would say, I do too love you. But I didn't show it. I do too love you. And she'd say, everything else comes before me. Work comes before me. Golf comes before me. Your friends come before me. And I'd say, no, they don't. But they did. But to me, I could just say it and not mean it. Words can't replace action. Words are a part of the equation, but you can't substitute words for real action. If I say I love you, I need to follow through on that. If you're first, you need to follow through on that. Number four, words are powerless. I would say something, but it wouldn't matter. I would say something. It wouldn't help. You say, my marriage is just falling apart. And, you know, why don't you talk to your spouse? Why don't you start praising your spouse? Why don't you start using? Why don't you start praying? Why don't you. Why don't you do that? It wouldn't matter. The words of life are in my mouth. Did you understand? They have found the smallest particle in the world, and it's called a quark. It's the smallest particle. Scientists have found it. You know what a quark is? It's a sound wave. The Bible says that God spoke in a void and everything we see came into existence with the spoken word. Now, they have proven that plants respond to the human voice. And if you speak kindly to plants, they respond to that. Your body will respond to your words. You can curse your own body. You can speak over your body and just say, well, there's no stinking body. Oh, bad, bad leg of mine, you know, and oh, that's no good, you know, bless your body. Speak to it and say, come to life. I bless my knees, I bless my joints, I bless my body, I bless my mind, I bless myself. Because when you're speaking, you're speaking life or death. You can curse your family, you can curse your marriage, or you can bring life to it and just bless your wife. Bless your husband, you say. Well, I would say something good and it wouldn't matter, really. You don't believe there's the power of life in your mouth? You don't believe that you can resurrect the dead marriage with your mouth? I killed my wife with my mouth, and I brought her back to life with my mouth. God convicted me of the way that I spoke to my wife because I was a smart aleck. I was angry, I was dominant, and I used my mouth to bully my wife, and I repented. And I changed this mouth to a place of death to a place of life. And I saw my wife blossom like a rose. And now she's a lioness of God. Meghan Trainor, Laundry retrainer. Meghan Trainor. You're tossing out my gunky laundry detergent bott. It's got that booty that you see boom, boom. That gonna lie. Arm and hammer power sheets. Toss like this. Cause I toss like this. I wash like this. It's a no mess. Laundry bliss. Arm and hammer power sheets. More power to you. And I saw that happen through my words. I'd say something, but it wouldn't matter. Don't tell yourself that you've got the power of life within your mouth. And you can heal or you can kill. You can kill it or bring it back to life. It's all within the power of your words. And here's another one. Bad words will bring good results. This is another deception. This is what I believe. Karen just needs a good scolding. She just needs a good cussing out. And she'll. In all my years of marriage counseling, here's what I've never heard before in my life. I've never had a person come into my office and say, you know. You know, Jimmy, our marriage was just going south. And, you know, my spouse the other night just cussed me up one side and down the other. And, man, it helped. I mean, you know, I just. Right in the middle of them, the light just came on, and they just called me every name in the book. And right in the middle of their tirade, I thought, you know, they're right. And thank you so much for loving me enough, for cussing me out. I've never heard that before in my life. But here's what I have heard. What they've said to me has devastated me. And all my passion and all my respect for them has left because of the way that they've spoken to me over and over and over. I did it to my wife, and I've seen men and women do it equally. These are the deceptions that we tell ourselves. But in order to succeed in communication, you have to understand, this thing is nuclear. This thing is disproportionate. The power of life and death is in your mouth. It doesn't say that about any other area of your body. Words are nuclear. That's what makes us like God, by the way. That's what separates us from the animal kingdom. We have the ability to speak life and to create with our mouths. That's what makes us like God. And so understand if you're going to communicate, be very careful. Be very careful, because this thing is loaded and it will go off, and you can use it for good, or you can use it for bad. But our society is destroying itself through a mouth gone crazy. Okay, number two issue of disarming destructive things in marriage and understanding the problems with words, problems in communication is not understanding the difference between men and women. Because in communication, men and women are very different. We're just created different by God. And let me give you some examples. And that is one of a woman's most important needs is the need for communication. Now, this is not true for men. It's not saying that men don't want to talk. I love communicating with Karen. But communication is as important to women as sex is to men. And that's what I say to men all the time. For men to understand it. Because men understand sex. They understand how powerful our need for sex is. Well, Karen, when we got married, you know, I didn't like to talk. I mean, I like to talk a little, but she just wanted to talk all the time. And she wanted to talk about everything. And when I came home from work and stuff, I thought she was nosy, you know, And I just thought, I don't want to feed that monster. And she would. Where'd you go? Who'd you see? What'd they say? How'd you feel about that? I was like, this is a boundary violation. And you need general information about where I've been and what I've done. But my feelings are my feelings. But that wasn't good with her. But one of the things that healed our marriage is when I started talking to Karen and understand this is what connects her to me. This is what connects her to my world. And what she needs is patient, loving communication. So here's my little speech. And you may have heard my little speech before. Here's my little speech. Okay, so women typically don't need sex as much as men. But what I say to women is, be more sexual than you feel. Your husband has the need for sex. You have the gift of sex. And God gave you that gift so that it would draw your husband back to you constantly. Don't despise that. It's a precious thing that keeps your husband coming back to you. And it's important meet that need. Be more sexual than you feel. That's my little speech to women. Here's my little speech to men. I just got through saying something really wonderful to your wives that I hope you give extra when you leave. Cause that was a biggie. You're welcome. You're welcome. Here's my little speech to you. Who cares if you don't Want to talk, you talk. I just told your wife to be more sexual than she feels. I'm telling you, you talk more than you feel. You come home and when she wants to talk, you talk. And don't give her headlines. You open up, you do it with your friends, you do it with her. And she says, what'd you do today? You don't say nothing. Filled up my truck. One word, you say, honey, I woke up this morning at 6:37. I didn't actually open my eyes, but I came into consciousness. I was feeling a little insecure about my meeting with Bob. And just that's what she wants to hear. She wants to hear and she needs every now and then get a nail, just stand here like this, poke yourself and cry. It's big points, big points. And I drove down the street and the dog had been run over. And she goes, oh God, really? Oh really? I love it. Oh, you cried. So give it up, give it up right there. And so that's it. So it's not your need. That's what I'm saying. I'm not saying you don't need to talk at all, but it's not your need, but it's your wife's need. So women are different in this area and men need to respect their wives need for open, patient, honest, emotional communication. And it's wonderful. I just tell you, I've done it for years with Karen. I like it as much as she does. Now I don't know if I'm kind of getting girly or not, but I'm just telling you. But here's another difference between men and women in communication. Men are emotionally modest, women are emotionally immodest. Now this is a big. Men are physically immodest and women are very physically modest. And so when women have sex they are very modest. And so they want, you know, doors shut, lights off, you know, children anesthetized. You know what I mean? I mean it's a careful environment, you know, because they're very physically modest. Men hissey bamer. So you know, but it's a difference. But men are emotionally modest. Now we don't talk like you talk. If you're ever in a restaurant, you have a table of women over here and a table of men over here listen to the way they talk and you listen to the women talking and they're saying, well did you know that Barbara is going through a real difficult time with Sam? Really? Oh yes. She called me the other day and said she's just devastated and said this and this and this and this and this. And they're talking about relationships and they're talking about feelings. They're talking about real stuff. That's this table, the table of men over here says, Bob, did you get your muffler fixed? Yeah, I did. And yeah, I'm gonna go to the cowboy game. They're not really. Did you go hunting? What'd you kill last weekend? Well, I killed a seven born buck, you know, and that's the way we. How'd you feel when you killed that deer, Bob? I felt real good. I felt hung. We, we're not going to talk about our emotions. We don't do that. We're emotionally modest. So women, when they have sex because they're physically modest, very, very private. Don't tell anybody, don't talk about it. This is between us. Dark room, locked door, everything's very careful. That's the way we talk. That's the way men talk. See, women are emotionally modest. They'll just say anything to anybody. I mean, they're just unguarded. That's just the way God made you. We're not that way. If you want a man to talk, if you ever tell somebody what we said, we'll never tell you that again. We don't like that. And so you get us in a room, you lock that door, anesthetize those children, and we're going to sit down and talk in a very careful environment. And when we open our heart, you be careful how you respond because we're very tender on the inside. We really are. Men don't open if you're sarcastic, if you're judgmental, if you're mean spirited, anything like that, a man will shut down on you because this is the holy of holies. Women are tough. Women can argue with each other. When a man's heart rate goes above 100, he can't hear. We just can't do it. We just zone out. It's like women are so tough emotionally. And women can just talk about their emotions and just argue with each other like that. And men are just like grabbing guns and, you know, we're just like you talk to me like that. Women are tougher than men emotionally. It's just the truth. The way you talk to your husband is keep him calm, is you honor him, you respect him and you let him know. Every word you're saying to me is sacred and I will not share it and I will not take opportunity with it and I won't use it against you later. All dysfunctional families either have no Communication. They're silent or they just don't talk about the truth. There's an elephant, white elephant, standing in the middle of the room, and nobody will talk about it. That's what a dysfunctional family is. A functional family says, we're going to talk about the truth. We're going to talk about our feelings. We're going to talk about real issues in our relationship, but we're going to do it in a loving way. And so give your spouse the right to tell the truth. And you tell the truth and be careful how you do it. But have a truthful relationship. That's where intimacy comes from. Number four is faith. This is a standard in communication. You have to have faith. Without faith, you become mean. In fact, First Peter 3 talks about women being able to change their husbands without a word as he observes your chaste and respectful behavior. And it talks about there the gentle and quiet spirit. A gentle and quiet spirit is not a mousy spirit. A gentle and quiet spirit is a woman who has faith that when she speaks that God's on her side. I don't have to be the enforcer. I've got God on my side. I used to bully Karen verbally. After I repented, I would say something to Karen, and I would become forceful with her. And one time Karen said to me, jimmy, I wish that I could just take a recording of what you say and play it back to you, and you would realize the way you talk to me. And this is what I said. I don't talk to you bad. I don't agree with that. And I was having a quiet time one morning. And in an instant of time, Lord healed me. I was having a quiet time one morning, and I read Ephesians 5, and it said, jesus washes the water, washes his bride, and the washing of water with the Word. And I saw in my heart Jesus with this water, pouring it over my head. And I was filthy. I was a filthy bride. And what I knew in an instant of time is Jesus was so patient and gentle with me, and he was not in a hurry to clean me up. And it would take a lifetime. Jesus was so precious, the way he was washing me with the Word. And the next thing that I saw was me with a fire hose hosing Karen down. And she was all blown back, you know. And I was just sitting there, and the Lord said to me, jimmy, I'm patient and kind in the way that I communicate with you. And you're forceful with Karen because you don't have any faith in me. The difference between the old Jimmy and the new Jimmy is the new Jimmy had faith that if what I was saying was right, that God would be the enforcer. You have every right to say anything you want to say. Are you the enforcer, or is God the enforcer? Because if you have faith that God's the enforcer, you're going to say it and walk away and pray and be at peace. You're going to have a gentle and quiet spirit, whether you're a man or a woman. But if you're the enforcer, you're going to nag, you're going to browbeat, you're going to punish, you're going to bully, and you're going to divide the relationship. Faith. I have faith that if I speak the truth, that the power of God is going to take it and change your life. God's big enough to change you. And if I'm wrong, he's big enough to change me. That's the fourth standard. And the last standard is surrender. I surrender my mouth to God. This mouth belongs to God, and it will be used by God. Now, it's interesting thing. I was a bully, I was a bad husband, and my mouth was destroying my family. But I surrendered my mouth to God. And it's interesting. I make my living speaking and helping people with my mouth. My mouth is my occupation when I surrendered it. God will use your mouth more than any other part of your body to help other people. But it has to be surrendered. Remember, the devil wants to use your mouth to destroy. God wants to use your mouth to build and heal. And you make the decision who's going to use your mouth. But it has to be surrendered. And in a good marriage, this isn't my mouth to use as I please. This is God's mouth to build my spouse, to build my marriage, to build my children, to build a legacy, to build a ministry and to be used for the kingdom of God, to expand the kingdom of God. This thing's disproportional. The power of life and death is in this thing. I've got to be careful with it. And the devil wants to use it to kill. I will not let him do that. I'm going to let God use it to build.