← MarriageToday with Jimmy & Karen Evans
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- [00:05]
Jimmy Evans
Welcome to Marriage Day podcast. I'm Jimmy Evans. This is my wife Karen. This podcast exists to help every married couple succeed in marriage. And we're talking today about the secrets of lifelong passion and intimacy. Those are the two big words in marriage that everybody wants to experience. Passion and intimacy. We're going to be talking to you about how you can experience that. We. First of all, there's going to go to a teaching here in just a few minutes. First of all, we're gonna read some questions from you guys and answer them. And let me begin. Karen, this is a question. How can you express your love for your spouse and also satisfy your sexual needs if your husband refuses to engage in physical affection or sex? I'm ashamed that he won't be intimate with me.
- [00:49]
Karen Evans
Gosh, that's a loaded question. Yeah, I would say definitely they had counseling because there's a huge blockage because most men. That's not going to be the case.
- [00:58]
Jimmy Evans
Yeah. If he is. Shut you off physically and sexually. Big, big, big warning flag there. And you say, well, how can you meet your own needs? You really can't. I mean, not in a satisfying way. Long term is if your husband has shut you out like that, you got to get counseling. And we've got here a marriage today. Here at Exo Marriage, we have marriage mediators. You can live in Timbuktu, but they can help you via Zoom or by phone. We're in the Dallas Fort Worth metroplex area here. So if you're in this area, reach out to us. Go on the website there and reach out to us. But they can help you. You really do need counseling. That's a big deal. And you just can't live in that environment very long without problems. Big problems.
- [01:45]
Karen Evans
Okay. My wife and I have been going through a healing process after she had an affair. It has been amazing to see God restoring our marriage. But sex is awkward because of the infidelity. What can we do to rebuild our intimacy?
- [01:59]
Jimmy Evans
It'll get better over time. Now, there are great books out there about sexual healing and affairs and things like that. Chris and Cindy Beale, some of our friends from Oklahoma City wrote a great book on it. The sex will get better as time goes on. When there has been an affair, the. There's an awkwardness because there's a rebuilding of trust and there's a rebuilding of intimacy. And you really can't. Rush doesn't need to take 10 years, but it's not going to take 10 days. And so just work at it every day, talk every day, pray every Day forgive every day, because sometimes you may have already forgiven, but you have to go forgive again. But just as you rebuild the foundations of the intimacy and the trust, the sex is going to reflect the overall nature of the marriage.
- [02:48]
Karen Evans
Well, I'm thinking that it's thoughts, too, because every time they're probably having sex, he's having thoughts.
- [02:54]
Jimmy Evans
Sure.
- [02:54]
Karen Evans
He's, you know, and I think that, you know, you have a lot of good words about saying, you know, how do we take our thoughts captive and, you know, submitting those thoughts to the Lord and let the Lord heal those things that have happened in the past as well as give you thoughts that are. Can be replaced by what you imagine that your wife's done, you know?
- [03:14]
Jimmy Evans
Well, an affair is rejection. When a person cheats on their spouse is really the deepest form of rejection, and it creates a scar. And those scars talk to you, you know, just like you said. So taking your thoughts captive, replacing those thoughts with thoughts that are positive according to the word of God. I know that would be a huge issue there, and we hope that that's helpful to you. We're gonna go now to the teaching on the secret of lifelong passion and intimacy. We hope that this is a bless.
- [03:47]
Brent Evans
This teaching. I do a lot of different seminars. I do a lot of different teaching on sex and sexual intimacy. And what I love about this teaching now is we're gonna spell true. And when we spell true, we're going to establish some core beliefs that are essential now to building a foundation for passion and sexual intimacy. And the first, we're gonna start with the T. And the T stands for the Bible is relevant and authoritative in my life and in our marriage. Okay? The Bible is true and authoritative. Now the Bible's under attack. And I know this is under attack in America. It's under attack in many other countries as well. But understand this. When the devil came into the Garden of Eden, here's the first words he ever spoke to humanity. Has God surely said those were his first words? He can't defeat you till he disarms you. And God gave them a word. And if they would have followed that word, they would still be alive on the earth, and they would still be in a perfect marriage and perfect bodies. But he came to them and said, is that word that God gave you really true? And Eve said, oh, yeah, it's true. And he says, no, it's not true. God knows then the day that you eat that fruit, you're going to be like him. You're going to be a better person. God's trying to hold you down. He's trying to keep you from something, right? There were thousands of trees in the garden that were legal. There was only one that was wrong. And he convinced them that the reason God wouldn't let them eat of that tree was because he was mean and he was trying to keep them down. And they walked over and took that fruit. And he said, you won't die. On the day that you eat that fruit, you won't die. He said, God knows you're going to come alive. You're going to know the difference between good and evil. Listen to me. They died, they lost the garden. Everything God gave them was lost. Now let me say something. I'm a preacher. I'm all for sin if it works. I mean, I'm not a fuddy duddy. I wasn't born a preacher. And I've done all those things. I mean, I've done all those things, okay? It kills people. Sin kills people. So the Bible. The Bible first of all tells us how to enjoy sex. Like the book of the Song of Solomon. I probably wouldn't read parts of the book of Psalms. Solomon in church. You know, the Bible talks graphically about sex because God created sex. And he's a good God. He created it good. But listen to me. The Bible says certain things are wrong. The Bible says adultery is wrong. The Bible says that sex outside of marriage is wrong. It says those things. If you'll stay within the. There are many ways you can enjoy sex. Be creative, have fun having sex in marriage. That's what God wants for you. He's not a prude.
- [06:27]
Karen Evans
He.
- [06:27]
Brent Evans
He made it that way. He wants you to enjoy it, but he created a fence around it so that we could enjoy it and not have problems. And I'm telling you as a marriage counselor and as a person myself, when I talk to couples who have gone on the other side of the fence, it always creates devastation, it always creates harm. I'm all for sin if it worked, but it doesn't work. I'm just experientially, it doesn't work. So I have to begin by believing this is still true. This is still true. Regardless of what anybody else says, this is still true and authoritative for my life. Now, if you don't believe that, you're gonna be open to just the torrent of deception that's going on in the world today, especially about the area of sex. So this is the standard now that I'm gonna use to decide what's right or wrong. And by the way, all people have sexual issues, including me. All of us are imperfect. We all have sexual issues. That's not the issue. So when I'm sitting up here saying certain things are right or wrong, and someone would say, well, you're a hypocrite. Listen to me. We all make mistakes sexually. But the difference between a true Christian and a person who isn't is I accept this, telling me what's right and wrong. And when I make a mistake, it's a mistake. It's wrong. It's against the standards. So I'm imperfect, but I receive this. It's telling me what the standard is. That's the difference, in my opinion. Number two, the R reality is much different than secular tv, movies, magazines, and the Internet. Tell me that's not reality. When you're watching tv. When you're watching movies and it's showing these glamorized views of sexual immorality. You know, one of my objections to movies and television is they don't show the disease, they don't show the aftermath. They show the sexual immorality, but they don't show you the real life thing that's going on. Now when you go to the grocery store, you know, one of the things about the grocery store is they have these magazines that they always. Men's and women's magazines at the grocery store counter. They always have something about sex. Always have something about sex. So these are actual things that are on magazines. The first is Cosmopolitan magazine. These are actual front cover lines on magazines from men's and women's magazines at the checkout counter. Now at the grocery store. This is cosmopolitan. 50 Ways to Seduce a man in a minute or less. So, you know, you're at the checkout counter. You look over there. 50 Ways to Seduce a man in a minute or less. Okay. Kinky sex. 64% of you secretly want to try this. Okay. All right. This is one of my favorites here. 57 kinky sex moves to drive your man crazy. This is on the checkout counter there at the grocery store. 57 kinky sex moves. Do you really need that many? Three or four is great. Let me tell you. I'm kind of the sex guy. And I'm just telling you right now, there are not 57 kinky sex plays. I'm just. They're not. There are 12, and they're in my new book. And I so. So, okay, here, More titles now. More sex, Less begging. Sex for 100 days. Health for Life for you. Not necessarily her, but she'll so. And you see that stuff and it's not real. I'm just. It's not real. So you watch movies or you see tv, it's glamorized, it's romanticized or on the Internet. And there are men leaving their marriages for this Internet sex. It's not real. That's not the way real people live their lives. It's just not. That's not real. But you get it in your head. Research has proven, I want you to listen to this one. That when men are exposed to three 1 hour R rated movies, it changes the way they view women. 3R rated, not X rated. Men begin to objectify women and remove their personalities from them. And so when you believe that nonsense that just says there's someone out there and they're having, you know, there's 57. I am missing out on 57 kinky sex moves. Basically, I'm being defrauded of a lot of. I could be a sex genius if it wasn't for that dud I'm married to right there. That's what it makes you feel like unmet needs. This is true. Okay? This is actual. Listen to 1 Corinthians 7. This is the apostle Paul. Listen to what he's saying. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except with consent for a time that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self control. Now here's what this is saying. When we get married, we give our body to our spouse. This isn't our body anymore, it's our spouse's body. And so you can't get married and then withhold your body from each other. But it's normal thing. People do it to punish each other. People do it for whatever reason. But Paul says here you don't have authority over your body. When you get married, your spouse does for the right of them having sex and getting their needs met. Well, this goes both ways. So I was on a TV show and they were taking calls from around the country. I think this woman was from like New England. And she said, I was telling my husband, you know, that I want sex and you know, would you go to the doctor and get some help? And she said, my husband said, I'm fine. And she said, and I'm devastated. What he did was, is that he took his body and he had a problem that was treatable. He took his body and said to her, I'm removing this as a formula in our marriage. And I'm fine with that. But she wasn't. She was devastated. Then I had a man that I counseled. This was several years ago. And I'd known this man for a long time. His wife was a very attractive woman. I mean, he was handsome guy and he maybe was like late 30s, early 40s. And he came up to me and said, you know, Jimmy, he said, I'm a healthy male. And he said, I love my wife. I'm very attracted to her. He said, but she told me the other day, she said, your sex needs just stress me out and I don't want to hear about them anymore. And she checked out. It was because of kids. You know, they had children. And he said, I help around the house. I'm more than happy to help her. But she just checked out. And there may be other issues on both sides. There may be other issues, but here's what I'm saying. You meet each other's needs. The apostle Paul says, if you're so spiritual that you're going to fast sex, and he's probably talking to women, they're not men. But she says, I'm going to go on a 40 day fast if you don't mind. But he says, with consent, you can't do that without your spouse's consent. With consent, that's what he said. Or the devil will come and tempt you. So we have to understand, some people are jealous. Some people are jealous and they're jealous about their spouse. Meet your spouse's needs. You won't have to be jealous. Honey, are you happy? This is your body. You know, it's not a license for abuse, it's a license for use. Okay, don't ever let anybody abuse you. But it's a license for use and it says, this is your body. I'll never hold it against you in a wrong way. I'll never keep it from. I'll never punish you by taking it away from you and I'll never give it to somebody. In other words, I'll never go serve the kids all day long and then not give it to you sexually. This is your body first, and I will give it to you. That's the way you make sure sexually that you close the door on the devil in your marriage. That's a core foundation of sexuality. And e. Each of us has what the other needs. If we will serve, our marriage will flourish. We can't meet our own needs. If we could meet our own needs, we wouldn't get married. I have what Karen needs, and she has what I need. And it's different. What I need from Karen is different than what she needs from me. And so I'm gonna meet her needs. She's gonna meet my needs. Now, you may have heard me tell this story before, but let me tell you about the heaven marriage and the hell marriage. Cause it's not biblically accurate, but it's a good story, okay? Heaven and hell both have banquet tables, okay? And in heaven and hell, there's just this incredible banquet on the tables. And in heaven and hell, people have utensils on their hands that are strapped there, and they're too long to feed yourself. There's a banquet in front of you, and you can scoop food in front of you, which is just incredible, but you can't feed yourself. And so in heaven, everyone is in heaven at this incredible banquet. And they're scooping up the food and feeding each other across the table. The same exact picture is in hell, but in hell, they're so selfish that they'll starve to death before they'll feed each other. I can't meet my own needs. If I could meet my own needs, I wouldn't have gotten married. I'm married. There are needs that only God can meet. I'm not talking about a dysfunctional relationship where you're asking something for your spouse that they can't give. But there are needs that Karen meets in me that I can't need in myself. In other words, I've got utensils that I can scoop what she needs and feed it to her, but I can't feed it to myself. I need her to feed me, and she needs me to feed her. So a heaven marriage is two servants in love that are unselfish and said, baby, what do you need? You want some corn? You want some mashed taters? You want some okra? What do you want? Rather than saying, you want corn? Open up, you know, like that. I don't want corn today. You know, let me tell you what I need, because I'm different than you. But two servants in love just sit there and say, baby, what'd you want, babe, Let me serve you. And you sit there and you feed each other. But in hell, they're so selfish that they rather starve to death than meet each other's needs. You have what each other needs. If you'll listen and have A servant heart. You'll flourish in marriage. Passion. We're going to spell passion. P. Pursue me every day. It's not a once a month thing or a once a year thing. Pursue me every day. And what that means is, come into my world. Come out of your world and come into my world. And my world is my needs. Come into my world. Talk to your wife. Sit down with your wife and come into her world and talk about feelings and talk about the kids and talk about what she's going through. And meet her emotional needs. And help her physically. I mean, serve her. Help her physically. Come into your world. Come into your husband's world. Tell him what a great man he is. Be affectionate with him. Be sexual with him. Be his buddy. That's your husband's world. Everyday persimmon. That's how you fell in love. You've already done it. You came into each other's world. You were sensitive and you met each other's needs. Hey, ask me if I'm happy and let me tell you the truth without having to pay a price. I'm trying to please Karen now. When I was a selfish idiot early in our marriage, I didn't want to hear if she was happy or not. I didn't want the answer. It would put a burden on me to have to meet her needs regularly. I'll ask Karen and she'll ask me, are you okay? You okay? And what I'm asking her is, is there anything I can do? Because why? Because my number one goal in life is to love Jesus. And my second is to love Karen. I want to be a good disciple of Jesus and I want to be a good husband to Karen. I'm not threatened by what she has to say. I want her to tell me how I can improve as a husband. Because I want to make my wife happy. And she's never asked me to do anything that was unreasonable. Are you happy? Listen, if I won't ask the question, there's something wrong. But if I'm afraid of the answer, there's something wrong. Ask me if I'm happy. Listen, you did that a hundred times when you dated. You happy? Everything okay? Do you like that movie? Do you like that food? My driving? Okay, Remember the last time you asked that question? Am I driving okay? Do you like my new cologne? Am I smelling good for you? Everything. Everything that you did. Are you happy? Are you happy? Are you happy? And you get married? Don't tell me. Don't ask that question. There's something wrong with that. Okay. S say what you like about me a lot. I need it every day. Praise is a discipline. It is a discipline. When you praise, you're reminding yourself of what is right. When you praise God. Praising God is such an important discipline because it reminds us of how great he is. If I stop praising God, I just forget the benefits of God. Bless the Lord, O my soul. Forget none of his benefits is what Psalm 103 says. Bless the Lord, O my soul, don't forget his benefits. When I'm praising God, I'm just reminded he's powerful, He's a healer, He's a provider. He's all those things to me. When I stop praising, I forget. When I'm praising Karen and I'm telling her, I appreciate you so much. You're such a good mother. You're such a good grandmother. You know, you blah, blah, blah, you do this, you do this, you're this. I'm just reminding myself of all the reasons I'm in love with her. But when praise disappears, criticism always appears. There's no vacuum. You either have praise in your family or criticism in your family. You say, well, Jimmy, I do need to say something critical. You have to earn it. For every 10 things you say positive, you can say maybe one thing critical in the right way with the right attitude. But if all you have is a critical tone in your relationship, it'll kill the relationship. You didn't fall in love saying, this is Dave and I'd like to go out and could you change the way you comb your hair? I don't like your hair combed. And could you wear something a little bit more flattering? Because I've seen you at school and do you have any better clothes than that? And they're going loser. You know, you don't fall in love criticizing each other, and you don't stay in love criticizing each other. Next, s say please and thank you and use good manners. Remember how mannerly you were when you were dating. You're naturally well mannered. But here's this is the truth. Most couples treat strangers better than they treat their spouse. We show more manners and consideration for people that we don't know or don't know very well than we do our own spouse. And so here's the question, why do you practice good manners? And here's the answer. To preserve relationships. Manners. Preserve relationships and manners. Show consideration for others. Manners. Say, I care about you. A lack of manners just says, I care less about you. Hey, this is Brent Evans with exomarriage, and I want to thank you for listening to the Marriage Today podcast. We believe your marriage has a 100% chance of success if you do it God's way. If you enjoyed today's teaching and want to keep learning. Hey, subscribe to the Marriage Today podcast and take some time to leave us a review. Your reviews help us spread the word and can encourage someone else in need. For more great marriage content, check out xomarriage.com where you can see all of our marriage building resources, articles and live events.