Ep 532 - Dark Queen & Cuck King (feat. Adrienne Iapalucci)

Summary

Summary of Episode 532 - Dark Queen & Cuck King (feat. Adrienne Iapalucci) Podcast: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Release Date: November 25, 2024

In Episode 532 of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis delve deep into a range of topics, blending sharp humor with candid personal anecdotes. Featuring special guest Adrienne Iapalucci, the episode navigates through the intricacies of comedy, social media dynamics, personal relationships, and societal observations. Below is a detailed breakdown of the key discussions and insights from the episode.

---

1. The Physicality of Podcasting

The episode kicks off with a humorous take on the physical exertion involved in podcasting. Matt and Shane joke about standing while recording, considering it a form of exercise.

• Matt (00:03): "I'm counting this as exercise. That I'm standing the whole time."
• Shane (00:17): "Even just shifting weight from foot to foot."

They laugh about the negligible physical strain, highlighting the comedic angle they bring to everyday activities.

2. Welcoming Adrienne Iapalucci

The introduction of Adrienne Iapalucci brings a new dynamic to the conversation. The hosts discuss the challenges of correctly pronouncing names, showcasing Matt's anxiety over mispronunciations.

• Matt (00:38): "I have a serious fear of mispronouncing people's names, so I just usually don't say them ever."
• Shane (00:44): "That's smart."

This segment underscores the importance of respect and correct address in hosting guests.

3. Stand-Up Comedy and Social Media Backlash

Shane shares his recent experience releasing a Netflix special titled The Degenerates, discussing the unexpected negative feedback he received.

• Shane (02:36): "I feel good about it. I honestly thought people would be more upset."
• Matt (03:07): "She needs to be stopped."

Shane recounts receiving harsh messages, including one comparing his humor to Hitler's offensiveness.

• Shane (02:47): "One lady... told me I was a disappointment to Hitler. Like, I'm worse than Hitler and he would be disappointed by my jokes."

The conversation highlights the overwhelming and often irrational nature of online criticism faced by comedians.

4. Navigating Online Negativity

Matt and Shane discuss strategies to cope with relentless online negativity, emphasizing the importance of mental resilience.

• Shane (04:25): "Oh, initially maybe when I first started... but like, I don't care now. They actually enjoy them."

Matt expresses his discomfort with engaging directly with negative comments, acknowledging the emotional toll.

• Matt (29:33): "It's kind of cowardly. I should."

They explore the dilemma of responding to online attacks versus maintaining personal peace.

5. Personal Relationships and Family Dynamics

Shane opens up about meeting his biological father and the complicated interactions that ensued, including receiving a lengthy letter from his stepmother.

• Shane (24:00): "I met him one time... but his wife wrote me like an eight-page letter to stay away from her family."
• Matt (28:00): "Then the fear is like, am I going to become detached from reality?"

This segment delves into the emotional complexities of blended families and estranged relationships, offering listeners a glimpse into Shane's personal struggles.

6. Mental Health and Substance Use

The hosts candidly discuss mental health challenges and their coping mechanisms, including substance use.

• Matt (97:37): "You should. I think it's a good idea, man. It's not going to hurt. Microdosing is one of those things..."
• Shane (99:52): "I was like, I have nothing to offer, like a woman. It's like, I'm married...in a coma, otherwise."

Matt advocates for microdosing mushrooms as a tool for mental clarity, while Shane recounts a negative experience with edibles leading to anxiety and paranoia.

7. Thoughts on Violence and Frustration

A significant portion of the episode explores dark humor surrounding thoughts of violence as an outlet for frustration.

• Matt (69:05): "I spent a lot of my day fantasizing about just, like, beating a young man to death..."
• Shane (85:00): "Find another person to put up with that."

The hosts navigate these taboo topics with a blend of humor and introspection, revealing underlying tensions and coping mechanisms.

8. Social Responsibilities and Ethical Dilemmas

Discussions shift towards societal norms and ethical responsibilities, questioning the impact of fame and public life.

• Matt (94:24): "What do you think they should teach in school..."
• Shane (70:00): "You could either... leverage it over..."

They debate the balance between personal success and societal expectations, pondering the ethical implications of their actions and public personas.

9. Family Life and Parenthood

Matt shares insights into his family life, discussing the joys and challenges of fatherhood amidst a demanding stand-up career.

• Matt (52:56): "I have to keep... my kids in the bath, which you should be paying attention to."
• Shane (51:54): "My sister has not. She doesn't have an iPhone, so she won't know."

This heartfelt segment underscores the importance of family connections and the struggle to balance personal and professional responsibilities.

10. Concluding Reflections and Promotions

The episode wraps up with personal reflections on growth, accountability, and the futility of chasing perfection. The hosts briefly mention upcoming shows and projects, though such content is kept minimal to focus on substantive discussions.

• Matt (103:06): "Come see me on the road..."
• Shane (103:16): "...come to your podcast, but if they do, it's not my problem."

---

Notable Quotes:

• Matt (00:06): "I never feel like I'm putting in an honest day..."
• Shane (02:46): "You give me so much power that you're so mad. You're so pissed they have to tell me how you feel."
• Matt (05:09): "As you should."
• Shane (07:15): "I don't think I'm gonna be a cuckold until they're firmly in there."
• Matt (58:08): "Can't have that at the end of an emotional hookup."
• Matt (94:24): "You have to wonder, like, what does she really think about this?"

Conclusions:

Episode 532 offers an unfiltered look into the lives of Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis, highlighting the delicate balance between humor and vulnerability. Through discussions on the pressures of stand-up comedy, the relentless nature of social media criticism, and the complexities of personal relationships, the hosts provide listeners with relatable content infused with their unique comedic perspectives. The inclusion of Adrienne Iapalucci adds depth to the conversation, bridging personal anecdotes with broader societal themes.

For those who haven't tuned in, this episode serves as a candid exploration of the human condition through the lens of comedy, emphasizing that behind every joke lies a reservoir of personal struggles and triumphs.

Transcript

[A]

Thank you for doing the podcast. Thanks for having me doing my professional broadcast.

[B]

I love it. I'm counting this as exercise. That I'm standing the whole time.

[A]

You'll feel it tomorrow. I like, I swear to God, I wake up the next morning, I'm like, dude, did I, like, work all? I'm like, technically, I worked, but I'm like, I never feel, like, physically exerted. Like, I exerted myself. And I'm like, I feel like I'm putting in an honest day when I.

[B]

You are podium. Even just shifting weight from foot to foot. I feel like this is picking up me breathing.

[A]

I know. It's. It's a whole fucking thing I had. It took me forever to figure it out. Peas.

[B]

I like, can you still hear me if I move it away?

[A]

But Adrian appolucci.

[B]

Yes. Matt McCusky.

[A]

Is it Adrian or Adrian? What do you prefer?

[B]

I guess Adrienne. But I.

[A]

So I nailed it.

[B]

I'm open to it.

[A]

Adrian Apple. I have a serious fear of mispronouncing people's names, so I just usually don't say them ever.

[B]

That's smart.

[A]

Well, people pick up on it when you call someone, like, dude for the fifth time, they're kind of like, all right, though. Me too. I don't think. I don't think we need names. I like, I meet everyone. I'm terrified I'm gonna mess their name up. So I'm like, hey, what's up, man? They're like, hi, Matt. And I'm like, all right, dude, don't show off, man.

[B]

Yeah, just be like, hey, what's up?

[A]

Hey, what's up, man? How you doing?

[B]

Yeah, also, if someone doesn't know my name, it's, like, not offensive.

[A]

Some people get offended. You know, comedians get offended about that.

[B]

Comedians get offended by everything. But it's like, I don't. If you don't know my name, it's like, I have no idea who you are either. Like, exactly.

[A]

It's perfect.

[B]

Yeah, perfect.

[A]

It is nice. I will say we were talking about this briefly, but it. The. The idea of, like, luckily we met last night. I was happy we got to hang.

[B]

Yes, me too.

[A]

That. Cuz it's like, dude, meeting for the.

[B]

First time on a podcast is weird.

[A]

And then filming it, that's the worst part. Then you're filming the encounter. It's like love on the spectrum where you have to just like, film, like, a terrible encounter and just be like, so what is your take? It's just. It's been a nightmare, man. I miss. I Miss I miss my co. Host.

[B]

He's gonna come back. He's probably very excited to, you know.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, again, it's like, I. I've gotten to the point now where I'm like, I could just go get. Like, I don't want to get a regular job, but I feel like I. If it happened, I'd be like, yeah, I had a good run, but every.

[B]

Day is a regular job. You have, like, a huge following.

[A]

I know, but I.

[B]

Closer to a day job than you.

[A]

Yeah, perhaps, but it's like, this is the way I think. It's like, I'm. You know, what would you do?

[B]

Would you go back to what you were doing before? You would, like, try something new?

[A]

I think I would try something new.

[B]

Like what?

[A]

Therapist?

[B]

I think you need, like, schooling.

[A]

I have my social work masters. I got my masters in social work. Excuse me. Excuse me.

[B]

But no, listen, I don't know anything about you. I know, Matt.

[A]

That's about it. I know. And that's good, man. I think that is a good thing. I. I don't know. So you have you. You just got the Netflix special. Congratulations. That's awesome. How do you feel? Do you feel like.

[B]

I feel good about it. I honestly thought people would be more upset.

[A]

Why?

[B]

I don't know. I guess because it's some touchy topics. I have gotten some, like, nasty dms, which is fun.

[A]

Did you really?

[B]

Yeah. One lady, I guess, got upset by the Gaza stuff, and she told me I was a disappointment to Hitler. Like, I'm worse than Hitler and he would be disappointed by my jokes.

[A]

What are you saying? She's saying that you would have offended Hitler.

[B]

She's saying that my joke. First of all, she didn't even understand the joke. She's saying it's, like, egregious towards Jews. And I'm like, you don't even understand the joke. But also, then she's like, you're so bad that you would disappoint Hitler. Like, Hitler would think I was over the line.

[A]

That's a bold claim.

[B]

I was like, what a. What a huge feat to disappoint Hitler.

[A]

Yeah, true. Or just being him. Being like, this lady is a menace. This lady's an absolute menace who needs to be stopped.

[B]

She needs to be stopped. Let's get me back there.

[A]

History will remember her for all time for the atrocities she committed.

[B]

Yeah. And then, like, some other lady told me. I was. She was like, you're going to get fucking canceled, bitch. I'm like, by who?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, true. Well, it's. It's. So. Yeah. Then I guess, like, tell me your situation. So are. Is this, like, your first foray into kind of like the public consciousness or, like, what you've been. How long you been doing stand up?

[B]

20 years.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

So you've put an album out and then I did the Degenerates like, four years ago on Netflix, which is, like, just a short set.

[A]

So you're no. You're no stranger to. Is this, like. Is this like more of a swell of, like, people, like, hitting you up now or, like, have you been dealing with people like that?

[B]

I mean, I've always gotten people, like, even at a show, being upset or, like, after telling me stuff. Yeah. It is weird how everyone feels like they need to tell you what they think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like, that's a weird part, I guess, of social media that you didn't realize was. Oh, I didn't realize that was going to happen when we first got on that. Everyone has an opinion and they think it matters.

[A]

Oh, yeah, big time. Especially when you're just like. Did you get upset when you read, like, nasty messages or is this kind of like.

[B]

I think maybe years ago when I first started and I didn't understand it, but, like, I don't care now. They actually. I enjoy them.

[A]

You think it's kind of funny.

[B]

I think it's kind of funny also. You give me so much power that you're so mad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Worked up that you have to tell me how you feel.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, what a compliment. You leave my show. Like, you came to the show, you made plans to have someone watch your dumb kids. And then you're so mad that you're gonna go back home, probably hit your kids, too.

[A]

I mean, everything about that. Like, that lady doesn't know about Gaza. And you're like, you just take.

[B]

And I truly don't know any children. I don't know anything about Gaza. A lot of the stuff I make up for sure.

[A]

Everyone makes up everything. Even, like, serious people make up stuff about Gaza. Nobody knows.

[B]

We don't really know. I don't know anything about Ukraine either, but, like, none of it. I know very little about it, and I'm talking about all of it.

[A]

As you should. As you should.

[B]

I'm not qualified to really talk about.

[A]

Dude, I. I tried to read a book once, be like, I'm going to get to the bottom of, like, the whole Israel, Palestine situation. I just got bored. I was like, I'm not doing this. Why should I do this?

[B]

Did you even understand it? Like, if I'm. If I'm bored, I, like, tune out so quickly. It's like, very hard to keep my attention. And I'm just like, out.

[A]

I. The first chapter was like, how Israel got founded. And I made it through a little bit of that. And then I was like, this is too many dates. I. I'm done.

[B]

Don't throw dates at me.

[A]

Yeah, it was. It was like, apparently they said that the. What was. They said part of what made Israel, like, you know, a nation states. Part of, like, the thing driving America or whatever to help them out was that there were a group of Christians who believe that if. When Jesus come back. When Jesus came back, he wanted the. The Holy Lands to be the way he what he left them. So, like, they're like, we need some Jews there. Or else Jesus is going to come back and be like, what the.

[B]

I mean, that's.

[A]

Neighborhood's going to.

[B]

That's so funny. I know where he's like, could you deport me somewhere else? Don't you think if. If he was going to come back, who would have come back already? Like, it's just like, it's not going to happen.

[A]

I don't know. He might. He could be waiting for the. He might be checking Zillow, being like, tents are going for nothing right now. I thought my tent would be worth $10 million by now.

[B]

I believe in it more. If he went back to, like, Flint.

[A]

Flint, Michigan.

[B]

Like, I'm gonna turn this place into it.

[A]

That would be so sick. If Jesus. That Jesus did come back and we're like, dude, we're just kidding. Yeah, we're just kidding. Jesus, you rule. Thank you so much for coming back. Yeah, I. I think that is. I don't. I don't think he's. You know, again, it's like, I don't even want to say it because if he comes back, he's gonna be like, you, hell, fine.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

It doesn't matter what you think. Privately, all you have to do is say, like, yeah, he's definitely coming back.

[B]

But you also, if you're like a Christian, you could just be like, I'm sorry. Right before you die and everything's forgiven.

[A]

Yeah, you can. You could do that. But again, then it's like, then you go into the afterlife and you're gonna spend eternity just being like, sweet, I did it. I tricked him. He's like, go around drinking, like, free Starbucks.

[B]

You could just go around everyone be like, I still don't believe.

[A]

True.

[B]

Actually Think it's fake?

[A]

Yeah. Hell's. Did you go to, like, Catholic school or like.

[B]

I went to Catholic school my whole life.

[A]

Did you? Same here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you believe in hell when you were little?

[B]

I guess, you know, they drill it into your head pretty bad and then at some point you're like, church is boring. I don't believe any of this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I don't know. I don't believe any of. I think it's all fake.

[A]

Yeah, I think a lot of it is definitely fake. I mean, obviously say that to the picture behind you. I was trying to get the most, like, just jarring artwork I could possibly find.

[B]

Is that supposed to be Jesus?

[A]

I don't know. I don't know if that's like the underworld boss. That might be. That might be Satan himself.

[B]

Oh, okay. And then up here is heaven. No, is this. That's earth and that's heaven.

[A]

It's a course of angels. Yeah. Well, this is. Let me tell you. This is what. How this whole idea came to fruition. This. This whole, like, just stupid set. I just was like spinning out, just trying to figure out, like, I just want to do like a different look while Shane's gone. This will be fun. And I, like, took. I had off. I used to do like mushroom microdosing a lot. And then I stopped for a while and then, like, I just got back at it. And then the first day I was back on, like, the little mushroom microdose. I just came up with this idea and then I, like, ended up carrying it out. Now I'm kind of like, this is a bad. This is a terrible.

[B]

What do you think is bad about it? The pictures. I like the pictures.

[A]

The pictures are cool. I just think it's just too weird. Like, I don't know if it translates. If people are like, this guy's a fucking.

[B]

I think people just like you. It doesn't matter what you think. So, like, fans, when they like you, will really just follow whatever you do. It is a crazy cult like thing.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

You're like, hey, I'm actually going to go off the rails. You guys should not follow me.

[A]

I'm going to do something up.

[B]

Please don't follow me.

[A]

I can't wait for the moment I get to, like, betray their trust and just fall, like, so bad. Like, just have, like, just meth and.

[B]

You'Re still going to have a lot of people that are going to follow you.

[A]

Not if I smash the meth and young boys button. That's the one.

[B]

You still will. There still be five to 10 people who are like, let's hear him out. I don't. I. I'm not going to make any joy. I'm not going to bring any decisions until I hear what Matt has to say.

[A]

That would be cool if I had five, just five fans. Five die hards.

[B]

They come, but, like, they'll come to everything you do, and eventually you'll hate them.

[A]

I'd be living with them. Guys, let's get an apartment. Dude, we're supposed to be real fancy.

[B]

Let's.

[A]

Yeah, it does set up. It's a. I do have, like. I have misgivings with the whole thing of, like, you know, like, the point of show business is to achieve fame.

[B]

Sure. You need some level of success. You have to pay your bills.

[A]

Exactly. But it's weird. It's bad. I think it's. Well, I think it's bad for you. I think it's not. You know, it's not inherently bad, but I think it is. It can be bad for you. And it's like, I just wish more people looked at it, like, just. It's just a business. It's like, dude, if you're making more than a regular job, you did it, dude.

[B]

Right. You're successful, and you should just be happy with that.

[A]

Never the case.

[B]

No. You always just want more.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's like, nothing where you're like, oh, this is nice. I think you're excited for something for, like, couple of days.

[A]

Yeah. Max.

[B]

And then you're like. I mean, I'll still say like, I'm gonna quit comedy. Like, I still. 20 years in.

[A]

I can't wait.

[B]

I know. I'll still be like, I'm gonna quit. I tell people that all the time.

[A]

I threaten my wife with it. I'll be like, I'm.

[B]

Well, you have a family.

[A]

Yeah. I leverage it over.

[B]

Could quit.

[A]

What would you do?

[B]

I don't know. I guess I could. I did also somewhat social work. I didn't get my masters. I was a crimes victims advocate for a while.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah. But you get paid nothing.

[A]

Yeah, they don't pay very much at all.

[B]

Yeah. And then somebody I was, like, advocating for stole my wallet, and then I became a victim of crime.

[A]

What?

[B]

And you're like, I don't even want to help people. Yeah.

[A]

Let me sick if that was your comedian origin story. Like, then I came up.

[B]

I think I did my first open mic when I was there, and then that guy stole my wallet, and I quit like this.

[A]

It is kind of miserable work, man. There's some I knew someone who worked with homeless people when I was like, how's that work? And I just like meet them places. I meet them on like street corners and just I was like, how do you, like, I was like, genuinely curious, like, how do you set appointments with them? You just, you know, you meet them.

[B]

But then what do you do for them?

[A]

I think you just kind of like try to hype them up. You're like, oh, you got.

[B]

For living on the street. Got this, dude, summer's coming. Just stick with it.

[A]

I think you hype. I think you hype them up on like one day you can rent a room run by like an absolutely just disgusting slumlord.

[B]

Right.

[A]

With no electricity. Dude, I would look. I used to find housing for inmates and like some of those rooms are like, the rooming houses are like worse.

[B]

Than probably a prison.

[A]

Dude. Terrible. Like, it was for real. I went into one specifically and I called the landlord. I'm like, dude, you're a piece of. And he was like, they ruin everything. Anyway. It was.

[B]

They're both right. You're both right. It is a piece of. And they're also probably going to ruin everything.

[A]

That is true. That is true. But I was like, dude, just paint the place. Man, this is terrible.

[B]

What did it look like? Did have. First of all, I can't deal with like bugs if it has roaches and I'm out.

[A]

I've seen place. This place did not have any bugs to his credit. I didn't see the bugs. There were broke. Well, there was a missing window. One of the windows just. There was just a. It wasn't a windows. A hole in the wall. Oh, that was true. Fresh air. Benjamin Franklin breathing fresh air. Benjamin Franklin breathing fresh air every day. Died from an abscess in the lungs. So.

[B]

Oh, bad. Wow.

[A]

Yeah. Loves you, kills you. But the. Yeah. I walked into like this like entranceway and it was a tile floor that had been chipped up, but just never, just never finished. It was just the floor had been chipped up.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And there were extension cords just everywhere because I don't know what was going on with the electricity, but the most like jarring. And it was just like the one bathroom had like, they like just jammed. The toilet was just filled with like wood scraps. But then there was another bathroom. Thank God. But like the most jarring thing I saw was like a old. It was like an 80 something year old man just laying in a sleeping bag on the floor in his like room. Just kind of. Just like sad kind of like not whimpering but just he wasn't resting. He was, like, moving around a lot. And I just, like, looked in his room and was like, jesus Christ. And I was with a guy to, like, show him the place, and. Oh, no, I was there to, like, see. The guy was like, you need to see this. This is up. And I was like, this is certainly up. I was like, how much money to make a month? He's like 400amonth from Social Security. I'm like, you're gonna keep living here.

[B]

Dude, or go back on the street. There's a lady that's gonna hype you up. Yeah, this is so much better than that place, dude.

[A]

You're free now, man.

[B]

Yeah, you could do whatever you want. I mean, 400amonth is not a lot of money.

[A]

Yeah, it's, It's, Yeah, it's not at all. I think the, the rooms went up to, like, six. They started becoming, like 600amonth. So that was like, a big deal when those rooms were like, 600. Sorry, my shit's all up. Definitely doing lapel mics. I'm such a idiot. My stupid ideas.

[B]

I believe in it.

[A]

Thank you. You're the only one who does believe in it, man.

[B]

I was not that bad. Now, like, once you get, Once you get dialed in. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I, I, I appreciate that, Mike.

[B]

I'd actually like to go on stage like this.

[A]

I, I would fucking love it, man. That, that A lot of, like, TikTok comedians rock the. Titus did it. He's not a TikTok comedian, but Titus had the fucking thing.

[B]

I would love to be TikTok famous and not even have to do standup and just be in, like, in my house behind a green screen and just doing whatever dumb I do.

[A]

Yeah, just do rants.

[B]

It's so much better.

[A]

Just another thing. Yeah, just be like, another thing. Yeah, that's. Then you get those guys tour and they sell out every.

[B]

What do they do when they.

[A]

Oh, my bad. I forgo tell you. I forgot to tell you. You got to clip this to yourself. I'm so sorry. Dude, he's pulled your hair.

[B]

I was like, oh, this is great. Until it's not. I guess this has to be clipped somewhere.

[A]

That's my bad. I will fully. I will fully accept responsibility for that.

[B]

Listen, it's my fault.

[A]

Please clip that. Don't forget to clip.

[B]

I'm going to clip it.

[A]

I'm going to get lobs. This is, this is.

[B]

It's not that bad. I don't know what I did.

[A]

It just. I should have told you to clip that thing on. Just clip it on. You can put it on this thing. Depends how much range of movement you want.

[B]

I don't know. I'll just leave it right here. All right, now I know about it.

[A]

Now you know where it is, I think rips, though. When it falls. It's falling on me. It rips. It's heavy. That thing's like six pounds.

[B]

Everything's going to so quickly.

[A]

Well, dude, I was pumped, I will say. When I reached out and I was like, by the way, we're gonna stand at podiums, I. People really were like, what the. Like, people get pissed when I tell them. And you were like, so gracious.

[B]

I've done podcasts in my car.

[A]

That's when you said that. I said, all right, we got a real, we got a real one on the line, dude. Thank God. That's awesome.

[B]

Why did, what do they like the standing up part?

[A]

I think, I don't know. I, I, I think there's a standing up aspect. There's the potential of looking somewhat foolish that I think people, some people don't like to do.

[B]

I mean, I look foolish every night when I do stand up. Like, how much worse could it be?

[A]

You got. I think you have to move your.

[B]

I have to move it back.

[A]

Yeah, sorry. Adjust your technology.

[B]

Sorry. I, I need a, A person.

[A]

So. So you've been doing stand up for 20 years. Isn't it fucked up? You have to do it for so long for it to, like, maybe, maybe fucking start to work out?

[B]

I mean, it's only started to kind of work out because other comics have helped me. Like, it's really taken a village.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's, that's kind of. Look, bro, you're preaching to the fucking choir.

[B]

No, I know, but I'm still nowhere. Like, I have like 36,000 followers. I think it's still really sad.

[A]

You got that Netflix yet? The Netflix special?

[B]

Yeah, I think I've got like 4,000 followers from it.

[A]

There you go. A Rogan. You got the Rogan bump.

[B]

Yeah. But you know what's funny? On the Rogan thing, I was looking at the comments and everyone was like, it was just men for three weeks. What a great run. Everyone was bummed that I was there.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That can happen. You are. You're the third female comic, Third female guest we ever had. First one was a.

[B]

So all your fans are gonna also hate me?

[A]

No, I think they'll love you. I think it's time. It's time.

[B]

Look, it's Fine. I just don't want to know the comments.

[A]

It's like, yeah, don't read the comments. But I will say woman. No, I think they'll be chill, dude.

[B]

Who are your other com. Who else have you had on that's a woman?

[A]

So we were in Philadelphia during, like, 2016. The Philadelphia Comedy scene got divided, and everyone's fighting and fighting about what it's like, Trump, all that and, like, you know, the. The. You know, whatever. All the stuff associated with, like, the social justice warrior movement. And I remember at a time, I think this was my idea. I'm almost positive it was. And I was like, shane, let's get this one comedian. We know she's like, a super feminist, will fucking argue, and we'll own her with logic. And we, like. I just.

[B]

I love this already.

[A]

I know those are first female guests, and I just kind of, like, clammed up, and I was like, I don't want to be mean. This lady. So we just had, like, a terrible podcast where we, like, half argued, and it was just bad. The whole thing was bad. First female guest. People are furious. People find it's like an old, old episode that, like, we, like. We, like, burned our back catalog because it was just too bad. It was terrible. It was, like, really problematic. But the.

[B]

That's what I want to see the most now.

[A]

It's still floating around, and people will find that old episode like, this sucks.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I don't. I don't want to hear it. I'll never come back. But then I don't want people to be.

[A]

No, no, people are not gonna. No, I'd rather.

[B]

They're just not upset that you guys have.

[A]

That's. I think it's. Well, I think that's. I think that's. Our second guest was a. Oh, boy. Woman who made money by pretending she was a dog for, like, a sexual thing. Puppy girl. Jenna. I mean, I'm in. Good.

[B]

I gotta. I gotta be honest. I gotta be honest. I'm. I'm in good company.

[A]

I was so excited to tell you that. It was.

[B]

How did that do it?

[A]

It was interesting. She, like, walked into our house. It was my brother's house we were recording at. And as she stepped up, she had, like, not a handler, as her boyfriend was there, but he was still like.

[B]

That is our handler.

[A]

He technically was. She had a leash and everything. She didn't come in as a dog. She walked in and, like, somehow her boobs just fell out of her shirt.

[B]

Of course they just fell out.

[A]

Came out of, like, the top. She was a very. Obviously, she was scantily clad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it just. They just spilled out upon entering. We were like, what the fuck? And then. Yeah, we just asked her about.

[B]

Did she stay on the floor the whole time?

[A]

No, she sat up. She's a good. She's a good girl. No, she. She sat in the chair and talked normal.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But she had her stuff with her and was explaining how she died. Like an only fans where they did like puppy play. And that was like. She made millions of dollars, dude. Just like licking water out of a bowl.

[B]

That's not that bad. I could do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What else do you have to do?

[A]

Her boyfriend was kind of a little weird. I don't know. He was obviously having like dog sex with her, I guess, but. So you have to have dog sex with like a weird guy with a shaved head. I don't know.

[B]

I feel like she probably made enough money to leave him.

[A]

Now she chills. Yeah. Now she like, she made enough where she just kind of like just. You know, it's like when you start a subscription based thing, you can just.

[B]

After a while you just stop.

[A]

Yeah. People are like, I'm not gonna go my credit card and change this. So.

[B]

Right. And how many times can you just like walk around a room? Like whatever dogs do.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. Just. Yeah. Do a little circle on your bed and go to. Yeah. Lay down. But I. I think she just kind of. From what I've heard, she just kind of chills now and like, doesn't even. I don't know if she got into like hardcore content. So that's. That's kind of. I didn't look. I didn't want to.

[B]

I wonder what the jump is from like being a dog to hardcore sex.

[A]

I think it's pretty quick. I think it's like, especially you start seeing, like, do you stop at some.

[B]

Point acting like a dog and you're like, I'm back. I'm just me.

[A]

True. I'm just me. It's like the liver. Are you familiar with the Liver King?

[B]

No.

[A]

Liver King is a. He was an influencer who just ate organ meat. And he was like very primal.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And he's got yoked. He was huge. And then it all came. He was lying about being on steroids. He was just on steroids. And he was eating liver, to be fair. And he has the Liver King and there's a Liver Queen is his wife. Then he has the liver boys.

[B]

So none of them eat like cupcakes or anything?

[A]

No. And they don't even like, they. They don't have, like, technology in the house. It's like, supposed to be like this weird kind of like trad life porn where you could watch this guy just like, chopping firewood.

[B]

Can you just be a mailman? What are we doing here? Why are we living like this? Like, it's crazy. Why are we doing this?

[A]

He wishes he was a mailman because the fame tore him apart. Part he became the Liver King and then he admitted to being on steroids. Eventually. That was Liver King 2.0. And now I think he's Liver King 3.0. And he's just apparently just falling apart before everyone. Like, he's like losing his mind on a YouTube channel.

[B]

I know at some point we're like, hey, we're going to stop filming this.

[A]

I don't know. He'll never stop. It's him. He's filming himself. So no one's going to stop filming.

[B]

I know, but he should stop filming. Like, once your family's life is ruined or whatever the fuck is happening.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're crying every day, you're going to be like, I'm. I think we're done here. I think the show's over. I'm fully depressed.

[A]

What are the liver boys gonna do?

[B]

I don't know. Go get a job. I don't understand why people. Why do people care if they're just eating liver?

[A]

I don't know. Jacked.

[B]

But he was just doing steroids. Once that comes out, it's like the show's a sham.

[A]

That's what happened. But now. But not Liver Kid. It's a trinity.

[B]

I gotta watch this guy. Now you do.

[A]

It's pretty funny. And it's like, you got to start early. And that is kind of fun, though. There was something like, in a voyeuristic sense to watch somebody slowly lose them. I did that with another channel. There's a channel called Psych Substance. And the guy was like. He would just, like, do massive amounts of mushrooms or LSD and like, film himself doing it. Or like, he would film the setup and then like, talk about this is what happened. But then he set up this business model where, like, in order to get money, he had to, like, smoke DMT while on acid. And, like, just not a great. You know, it's not sustainable, I'm sure. And he fucking started kind of losing his mind. Like, he, like, went nuts. He got addicted to Kratom. His wife left him.

[B]

It was like, what is Kratom? Exactly? I know.

[A]

It's like a dust Just explain this the.

[B]

Oh, sorry. No, no, no, not at all.

[A]

No, I'm excited because it's like, bam. The topic.

[B]

Is it like Suboxone, where, like, you take it, get off something else?

[A]

So, dude, it's like. It's a. It's just a plant, but that. It has opioid properties.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So, yes, you can use it as like a transfer to, like, help ease withdrawal symptoms. And then some people take it as, like, in small doses, it's energy. So it can give you like an energy boost. But it will create a physical addiction, like an opiate will eventually.

[B]

So you will become addicted to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So my biological father was addicted to, I guess. Is it meth? What do you take to get off heroin?

[A]

Not meth. Well, you can't.

[B]

You.

[A]

Some people. I've heard of people taking method.

[B]

What is the thing that they give.

[A]

You, like, methadone, right?

[B]

I think. But I don't think he ever did heroin. I think he was just addicted to methadone.

[A]

That happens. People. If you're, you know, if you. People who go to the methadone clinic keep their methadone, a lot of times if it's a liquid, they'll put it in their mouth and spit it back out and then sell the methadone liquid because you'll get high. As if you and I were to party down on some methadone, we would get rocked.

[B]

And then you spit it out and sell it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy. Your body doesn't, like, take any of it in.

[A]

Well, you're a heroin addict. Doesn't matter if you take a little methadone in your system, it's, you know, you're just going to get more done that day, I guess.

[B]

Wait, you put it in your nose and then spit it out mouth.

[A]

They used to give it. Now they. They give some people little pills, too. I know people would have methadone pills and you get sent home. You could sell those. But for a while there was a liquid. They'd watch you put it in your mouth. You have to just, like, walk out and spit it back in a little while. Now you can sell some crafty people. They are very crafty. They also figured out not to. I'm sorry to hear you got addicted to methadone. That is like.

[B]

I mean, he wasn't in my life. I wish he was actually on heroin and died.

[A]

True, true. Fair enough. Is he. Is he dead?

[B]

He's not dead. It's very. It's a weird. He's got like five kids. He lives upstate Somewhere in New York I met him. And then he was like, you look just like your mom. And I was like, okay. He's like, yeah, your mom's beautiful. I was like, this is weird.

[A]

Yeah. Why are you trying to rizz me up, dude?

[B]

Yeah, it's weird, but I remember like, can you.

[A]

I'm sorry to cut you off. Can you move this back a little bit? You're okay.

[B]

It's just back this way away from.

[A]

You a little bit.

[B]

Like that? Perfect. Okay. I'm just not gonna move. I think I just.

[A]

No, you're good. It's. It's. This is my problem.

[B]

It's not.

[A]

You're not doing anything.

[B]

It was okay. And then I moved this thing.

[A]

No, it was. I literally told you to move it closer. And I'm like, I think you gotta move it back.

[B]

But go on, it's not a big deal.

[A]

So he.

[B]

So anyway, I met him one time. He was. It was nice. He was actually pretty emotionally open. I was like, oh, I wonder what my life would have been like if I was raised by him and not my dad. And then he left and I guess I was like, I wanted to meet the kids or just like, see him. I didn't want him to be my dad because he didn't raise me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then his wife wrote me like an eight page letter to stay away from her family.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah, it was very creepy.

[A]

She's probably talking about how beautiful you are. He's like, I don't know.

[B]

It's just. It's just. Well, he. So he married her. She had two kids. Kids from a previous marriage. And that girl who's like 50 now is jealous of me my whole life because I'm biologically his daughter.

[A]

Ah, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But you're 50.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let it go. So his wife was like, leave my Joey alone. I was very like Amy Jo, but a Fuko. So weird. She wrote me this letter. She was like, you know, you're an attractive woman. Why don't you get a boyfriend? It's like, I don't want to. Your husband.

[A]

I'm not going to. Yeah. What the.

[B]

But I bet I could.

[A]

You think you could take him down?

[B]

I think I could wear him down. I'll show you. Don't make me. If I put my head in dunny anything, I could do it. So don't make me do it. Family.

[A]

Then, as your stepmom, she would ground you for your dad.

[B]

I've never even met her.

[A]

Really.

[B]

I never.

[A]

So she just sent you a phone?

[B]

Sent me like a Seven page. Seven or eight page letter. Handwritten.

[A]

So you only know her through, like.

[B]

I only know her through that and pictures on, like, social media.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, that's. Man.

[B]

And the second time I met him, he was, like, so nervous. He was like. Like he was cheating on his wife. He's like, I hope she doesn't change the locks. Nobody knows I'm here. I'm like, dude, I don't need to, like, hang out with you.

[A]

What a freaky family.

[B]

It's so weird.

[A]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[B]

It's very crazy.

[A]

So.

[B]

And I haven't talked to him.

[A]

No contact after that? No after the. So you respected the letter or you're just like, I don't want anything.

[B]

I mean, I think I said something to him that was probably, like, not that nice, but I was like, I don't. I don't need to be in these people's lives.

[A]

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, yeah. Especially if it's like, that's the dynamic. It's like, I'm good on this.

[B]

You're 50 and you're jealous of me. It's like another. It's like leaving my show. You're giving me so much power. Your whole life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What a crazy person.

[A]

Yeah. That is crazy. Although you can antagonize, I will say, you know, with strange families, one thing you can antagonize the commentors. They will come. They will come for you. If you antagonize them, they will. Absolutely.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

Oh, I fear them, dude. I'm so scared of them.

[B]

Why?

[A]

I don't know, dude.

[B]

I just, like, what do you think they're gonna do? Like, ruin Christmas?

[A]

They could.

[B]

Who cares?

[A]

I could be on my phone all day. Like, shut up, kids. I'm reading my comments.

[B]

Just turn them all off. You have your own family. You don't need them anymore.

[A]

That's true. That is true.

[B]

Created your own family. So I'm.

[A]

You know what? You know what I'm so scared of? It's like. And I'm not, you know, I'm not genuinely afraid of it. I'm kind of more. Let's. How do I say I'm still, like, in shock of that whole thing that happened with Brendan Schaub.

[B]

What? What? Exactly, dude.

[A]

It was a fucking. They formed a Reddit of, like, 97,000 people. Literally, it was 97,000 people strong who dedicated hours of their life to just like. And you don't have to read it, of course, but it's like, knowing that's out There just every day.

[B]

But I feel like he bought that on himself. You think your family's gonna do that?

[A]

No, no, my family, dude, if my family started a dis. Subreddit on me, dude, that would be it. I'd be like, fuck you guys, dude. I'd be sending seven page letters. I mean, I am scared of my daughter's growing up and eventually hating me, but that's a whole. That's a different.

[B]

They'll hate you regardless, and then they'll love you. It's like that weird dynamic where, like, it's just chaotic for a bit and then you love your family.

[A]

I know. I kind of was like that.

[B]

They're not gonna really hate you. It's just gonna be like teenage angst, I think.

[A]

Yeah. Like the fuck away, dad.

[B]

Also, like, just have them like you more than your wife, so then, like, she's the person.

[A]

I got that unlock. Yeah, I got that fucking unlock. I can. I'm already ready. I'm so ready to turn them all against each other.

[B]

That's amazing.

[A]

I'm gonna leave first.

[B]

All of us, like, we never three can get along. It's always two against one.

[A]

Is it really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Damn. So you're forging the flames.

[B]

I mean, that's how I grew up. We're all just chaotic and arguing and. Not great.

[A]

Yeah, this is what it is.

[B]

My sister doesn't even know I have a special out. And when she sees it, she's gonna be mad.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

Yeah, I'm talking about her.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

And personal stuff that she definitely would not want out there. I don't even know if I should say this, but, like, whatever. Yeah, she's not gonna be thrilled.

[A]

She won't be happy with it.

[B]

No, none of it's a lie. Okay. Everyone's like. When you say that, though, that's bad.

[A]

Yeah, that is bad. That's what you should be like. I'm making it all up.

[B]

It's not a lie, really. It's all real.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, look, people. Look, people move on, though. She'll. She'll heal, I'm sure, from it.

[B]

We're not really that close anyway. I'm okay with it.

[A]

So she's just. You're. You're gonna get a damn. So you're gearing up for a nasty message.

[B]

I'll just block her.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Like my biological father. I'll just block everyone.

[A]

Yeah, that's nice.

[B]

That's the best. When you just block someone, they have no idea.

[A]

That is nice. Yeah. You can also mute which they don't block is a sad. You're giving people satisfaction. If you block them, they go.

[B]

They don't know because they have regular. My sister has not. She doesn't have an iPhone, so she won't know.

[A]

Oh, you're talking about in the car. I thought you meant social media.

[B]

Oh, social media. You could restrict. Restrict is great.

[A]

Yeah. Because then people don't know.

[B]

They don't know if you block.

[A]

They go, this blocked me out too much.

[B]

I'll block guys that I just don't want to hear from because I'm like, I just want to be over this. Yeah. But, like, yeah, those people. I'll just let you say whatever you want to. Either I'll just restrict you.

[A]

It's kind of dastardly, though, to like, send somebody just still just chirping into just nothing.

[B]

No idea.

[A]

I know. It's kind of cowardly. I should.

[B]

Yeah, no, no, Let him do it.

[A]

Any case, I do. Yeah. I really don't care. The commenting stuff. I don't care. I have caught myself. It's been a bit of a process, but, like, I would have, like, my kids in the bath, which you should be paying attention to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'd be like, let me check my email quick. I got an eye on them. And then I'm like, I started going into comment stuff, and I'd, like, catch myself, like, my heart rate racing and like, oh, yeah. And I literally see my kids would just be, like, looking at me from the tub, like, the. Are you doing, like, where are you?

[B]

And I've gotten a bad comment. Yeah, we better swim out here, otherwise we're drowning.

[A]

Someone told dad, he ruins the podcast. I was like, yeah, I. For real. I. I was. And that was like, a wakeup call for me to be like, oh, this is real life.

[B]

This is, like, that's, like, thing, right? It exists only on the Internet.

[A]

Yeah, that was a big. That was a big.

[B]

Yeah, but you have to get used to it. I remember, like, in the old days, even on, like, Facebook, I would get, like, write a whole thing out, and I'm like, do I want to waste the whole day doing this?

[A]

And then, dude, that was the.

[B]

I'll just erase it. I'm like, it's not worth it.

[A]

No. Because then you think about it all day, and then you check the comment to see, like, how many likes did it get? It was this the one that took me to the top. And it never is. And you go, fuck, no. Do you still use Facebook?

[B]

I do sometimes. It's mostly like, friends on there, I think.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So, yeah, it's not, like, for fans, I guess.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Yeah. Mostly Instagram.

[A]

Not professional. I. Someone was, like, telling me to use Facebook professionally, and I was like, I haven't. I have a Facebook account. Obviously, I haven't deleted one a long time ago. Then I, like, revamped it. It just 2.2.0. That's my 2.0 phase.

[B]

And they say to use that for.

[A]

There's people, like, you'd be surprised. Some markets are better in Facebook for shows.

[B]

And I was like, I mean, I know people do, like, Facebook posts for. To sell tickets. They do ads and network. So I think that's something that makes sense. I don't know if it's good to use it for, like, managers and stuff.

[A]

I thought he was saying for my personal account, like, yo, guys.

[B]

No, I think it's. If you have, like, a business account, like, for your fans, I think you can.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Put ads on there. And that's, I think, helpful.

[A]

I didn't know people still used it, man. They do.

[B]

My friend uses. She says she gets a lot off of it. I think it depends where your fans are. I don't.

[A]

I don't know anything about that because I. I used. I was out when I. I was off it for a while. When I came back, it felt, like, weird. I was like. Because I used to be on it every day, like, living and dying by, like, this is such a great status. And I'd write it and be like, this is go. This is the one that people are gonna be holy. This guy's on another level. And it's just like, 12 likes someone. One guy from high school being like, shut up. And you're like, fuck. But I like. When I got off it for a while, I came back to see everyone still, like, doing that as part of their day. And it was kind of, like, unsettling. I was like, damn, dude, you guys are still here. They're like, leaving a hometown, like, leaving an old town and going back. Like, damn.

[B]

Like, the guy that you liked used to work at the movie theater, still works at the movie theater. It's kind of that same idea.

[A]

That's how it felt when I came back. I was like, damn, you need to.

[B]

Move from where you live. Because I've had that. I live in the same area my whole life. And, like, you'll see a guy you had a crush on when he was, like, 18 or 22, and now he's, like, fallen off. Yeah, it's become Sad.

[A]

It is sad. It is. My. My wife always made fun of me because I would never leave the Philadelphia area. And like, we. We came here and she's like, I'm so proud of you.

[B]

How'd you guys meet? Because she's from Chicago, right.

[A]

Tinder.

[B]

Was she. Were you there?

[A]

No, she was. She was in Philly for school.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And we met on Tinder. And I was recently divorced, so.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know you were married before her.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I got married. I don't know. I said, oh, yeah. That's kind of weird. But like, oh, yeah.

[B]

Well, I mean. Well, I mean, I was like. I was also in disbelief. So it makes sense where you'd be.

[A]

Like, oh, yeah, oh yeah, me, divorce. I was definitely divorced. I actually. Funny, I had someone reach out, like, between. I did a show before this and a guy hit me up like, yo, I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce. But I was talking about on a podcast. I'm like, dude, that's from like, oh, do you.

[B]

Did he think it was from recent.

[A]

Yeah, I was like, dude, that's like 12 years ago. But yeah, thank you for your.

[B]

Thank you for your kids with the.

[A]

It was, yeah, chill. It was very, very chill divorce.

[B]

I Chill divorce seems like the best.

[A]

It wasn't that chill.

[B]

It wasn't that chill.

[A]

I mean, it wasn't that.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It was not chill.

[A]

It was. It was a big wake up call for me, man. That was a big, like, you know, moment. I realized other people weren't like two dimensional characters for my personal enjoyment in the world and.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it was mostly your fault.

[A]

I would say, like, yeah, about. I would say 97%. But the.

[B]

I mean, at least you could say that now. I think some people never take accountability.

[A]

It was a big. It was a big. I was a big, you know, I was like barely a sentient creature before. Before, like 30 something. So that was like a very painful process of being like, oh, this is all real thing. This is not.

[B]

That's like an accomplishment to actually grow up and like, accountability and like work on yourself. I don't think people realize how hard that is.

[A]

It's the worst thing in the world.

[B]

It's terrible.

[A]

Sucks being like, I do it with my wife all the time. Or we'll be arguing about something and I'll say a thing and I'm head. I'm like, that's not really true. And I'll be like, but also, you're.

[B]

Like, that was a great line.

[A]

That was A good line. And I'm. I've just gained upper. I've just gained an upper hand in this. So let me just win this argument and then I'll work on, like, being truthful and honest. But I was like, it is, it is. It sucks when you have to be like. Like, she recently told me something I did that bothered her and I was so dug in. Be like, I was right. And she explained it in a way where I was like, at least you.

[B]

Could hear that, though.

[A]

Yeah. It hurts, though. It's good because I had to be.

[B]

Like, it hurts to hurt someone that you care about.

[A]

Yeah. Or just realize you weren't right. That's kind of what I'm talking about.

[B]

Right?

[A]

To realize you weren't right and be like, yeah, I didn't have the moral upper hand that I thought I did. And I actually was being a gigantic piece of shit. And like, fuck, I thought I was right about.

[B]

Sometimes you lose, you know?

[A]

True.

[B]

I remember going to therapy and telling my therapist I had this great line. I was going to say to, like, my ex boyfriend at the time, and he was. And I was like, I'm waiting until it's like, over, over to say this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was the line was I shouldn't have to stay because everyone else left. Which I think is a great.

[A]

That's a good line. Especially saying that and then leaving basically.

[B]

Right. And he was like, that's not like, great that you have that planned. I was like, no, but it's like such a good fuck.

[A]

You pretty much is. Yeah.

[B]

But I was like, I just held onto that. I thought. I was so proud of it.

[A]

It is good. It's almost like pretty cinematic, honestly.

[B]

I know. It's like, then the curtains close, the credits come off. But he was like, yeah, you shouldn't be aiming to do that.

[A]

Aiming to hurt people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cut them. Yeah. Find their, like, childhood traumas and just cut them down with it.

[B]

God. Yeah. Everyone I date is so awful. They're just like. It's. Yeah, it's just like, you know, everyone who's emotionally closed off and alcoholic. Ptsd, there's some type of, like, first responder. They're veterans. It's just like.

[A]

So when did you start putting it, Putting together, like, your pattern of, like, this is the person I'm attracting to attract. Getting attracted.

[B]

I think I've just seen that, what I'm doing, and I'm like, oh, this is actually, like a pattern.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, you know, date guys who are, like, gonna kill themselves. They never kill themselves. I just stay in it longer. So I think I'm just gonna be single.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Picking the worst people.

[A]

Yeah. That's. Yeah. The suicide threats can be tough.

[B]

And it's like, what they all do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What the guys I am attracting do. And then they knew romantic types.

[A]

The romantic types.

[B]

Very romantic.

[A]

They're like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

[B]

I'm like, well, let me see. Let me see what you're doing. One time my boyfriend, my ex boyfriend had said that, and I went home and like, he wasn't even really trying. He had like, Roach killer, that thing that's like a syringe. And it was just on the bed. It wasn't even, like, used.

[A]

I'm gonna eat roach. He's gonna harm his reproductive capacities.

[B]

I know, but it was like such a thing where I was like. I had a. Cancel shows.

[A]

You're not.

[B]

This isn't very serious.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You didn't try even a little bit.

[A]

Yeah. That's embarrassing, actually.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, all right, well, now I'm gonna do it.

[B]

But he still. Yeah, he still didn't do it.

[A]

That's such a wild move, man, to.

[B]

Just be like, I'm gonna kill myself. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's effective.

[B]

It's a good tactic.

[A]

Effective.

[B]

It's a good tactic.

[A]

Then it's like, you got to live with this. You. All you had to do was spend one afternoon and I'd still be here. But you do get to the point where you're like, at some point, I don't care. Do it.

[B]

You're like, okay, do it. I can't deal with this anymore.

[A]

Yeah, do it. There was that lady who almost went to jail for coaching the kid into killing himself.

[B]

That's different. I wouldn't do that.

[A]

You wouldn't coach. You would just be like, I wouldn't coach.

[B]

I would sit by the sidelines. Yeah, just wait. No coaching. Just. Yeah, they never kill themselves. They never do. If you're in a relationship like that, just leave. They're not going to kill them.

[A]

They're not going to do it.

[B]

And if they do, they really wanted to do it. And you should be happy for them.

[A]

True. And then you can go like, guy was actually a winner. I thought he was just a pretender the whole time. The guy was the real deal, and.

[B]

I actually got him to do what he wanted to do. So I am partly like a hero, I would say.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I'm doing the Lord's work.

[A]

Yeah. Suicide is one of those things. It's like, I think it's still going up right now.

[B]

Is it? I would assume that. I feel like everything in this country is like just harder. People can't pay for shit. You know what I mean? It's just like suit suicide to me is always like the first thing I go to when I want to add to something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like even a job. I'd be like, I'm going to kill myself.

[A]

Yeah. I, I'm too, I'm too curious. I, I sometimes do get overwhelmed by life where I'm like, it's just so much. And I'm like, you know, it's. I get the thought of think I'm gonna kill myself.

[B]

But it's a fun little. Like it would just be nice to even not kill yourself. But like if you could put yourself into a coma for a little bit.

[A]

Just like a week.

[B]

No, I'd say like six months.

[A]

Six.

[B]

Six months. Let me, let me just have some restart time.

[A]

Yeah, true, true.

[B]

That's like. It is nice. You should be able to do that.

[A]

That would be nice to go into a medical coma and have like a doctor restrict your calories. Use like you know the.

[B]

If you could lose weight on your rent, like it could be great.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. You staying, like your medical insurance basically covers your rent for a year. You're saving up money.

[B]

You don't even need rent.

[A]

People are still.

[B]

You're not going to even be there. Move your into a storage unit.

[A]

Patreon. There's still some dumbasses that left their credit card on there. You come out, you got like 10 G's in the bank.

[B]

It's funny. Cuz I do, I do that as a joke and people are just like horrified. I'm like, but you never just thought of going into a coma for a little bit? Like maybe not six months, but like a month. Like the pandemic was nice for a little bit.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

A couple months. You just, you're not going it. You're not like fighting traffic every day. You know what I mean? You're just not going to a job you hate.

[A]

Especially if you could still dream. That would be nice if you could like somehow have them like, you know.

[B]

I don't even want to dream.

[A]

You don't want to go deep.

[B]

I don't. Because who knows what I'm gonna dream of.

[A]

You're not gonna enjoy it. That's true.

[B]

I just wanna time out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want no dreams. I just keep me alive and nothing. And like, you know, I guess you have to have people work your limbs so they don't yeah, that's true.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or like turn you over.

[A]

You'd have to put you on like a rotisserie machine. Just kind of like rotate your body. Yeah. It'd be kind of nice. Yeah. I, I don't. But the problem is it would go by like that. It'd be like when you get surgery, you would, they would put you out and you just go, you'd come up right away. That's why you need the dreamscape.

[B]

You need the dreams. Okay.

[A]

Or they have, have them like, wake you up.

[B]

You're convincing me.

[A]

Wake you up. The dreams would be nice. Or wake you up out of it. Like every two days. Like you just did two days. Like, sweet. What happened?

[B]

Just keep putting you back.

[A]

Give you a quick, like, rundown like, dude, Trump just elected the three guys. Just like, okay, cool. And they put you back.

[B]

They put you back out. And then depending on what they tell you, you decide how long you want to be out for.

[A]

That's not a bad.

[B]

If your ex boyfriend is remarried, I'll go out for six months.

[A]

I'll go out. So what's the, what's the single phase going to be? Like? That's.

[B]

I don't know. I'm not sure. I think I might. I always say I'm going to just be single and I always end up dating someday.

[A]

Panic. And you get lonely. Yeah.

[B]

Or it's just so easy. People, like from your past just keep coming back because they're so shitty that no one wants them. So they're just a Rolodex of garbage, constant. They're just coming back non stop.

[A]

That, that was my pattern. I. Well, not. Well, not that specifically, but I'd be in a relationship. And like, and I do think, like, when you live with a woman specifically, like, they do make you better. Like, you're like, you're. You're kind of more organized. You're dressing better. So then I get to that point, I'm like, dude, if I was single, I'd get so much.

[B]

Right. Because I'm a better version of myself.

[A]

I'm a better version of myself. And then I would get out of the relationship and then just devolve and be like, oh. And I always remember, like, oh, yeah, I'm like an anxious loser. And then I would like just become. I'd be like, I'm going to work on myself, whatever. And I would just like slowly panic because I was so lonely and just slam the button again.

[B]

And just what you got to do is be in a relationship while you're Getting better and then also cheat. That's how you get the best of both worlds. I'm not. I'm not. Not a fan of cheating.

[A]

You're absolutely right.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, I don't know. If you could cheat and get through it, it's like it kind of could make you better.

[A]

Are you saying get away with it and then like, recommit and double down?

[B]

Like, have. Have them find out out. See how if you guys can work through it. Like, nobody really works through anything anymore.

[A]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

Like, back in the day, there was like a genocide or a potato famine. Like, that's hard and you guys gotta work through it. And it's like, can you and your wife work through her sleeping with a dude?

[A]

No, I think the other way around is way more tolerable, honestly.

[B]

I mean, you guys, you would never made it through the potato famine. I gotta be honest, with that attitude, you're gonna. Your whole family.

[A]

I wonder. Well, I wonder about. About that because I'm always kind of.

[B]

Like, would you prefer an emotional cheating or a physical cheating?

[A]

Emotional, really.

[B]

But that's so much more intricate. You spend so much more time talking to somebody and getting to know them and there's like, feelings, like, that's what.

[A]

Girls do with all their friends. So it's like, yeah, I'm not going to be like, that's.

[B]

But you're not jealous of her friends. You're jealous of this guy that she just.

[A]

If she thought another guy was funny, I'd be. I would be pissed about that. She's like, he's so.

[B]

Even if she doesn't have sex with him, she just thinks he's hilarious. She's like, sneakily watching Brendan shop videos.

[A]

Any f. I mean, obviously he's a. To take her down. I would be. No, sex would bother me the most.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I was for. Sure.

[A]

Sex would bother me the most. But like, if. If she was like, conf. She was like, confiding in somebody and telling them, like, secrets and something.

[B]

Me. And I also think Brendan Job's funnier than him. That would be so brutal.

[A]

That would be tough. But there is also part of me that wants to discover like, a huge cache of just like. Like dastardly texts where it's like, he. I fake it every time. I can't wait. And just read.

[B]

Just to make yourself and just see.

[A]

Yeah. And just be like, mother. That would. There's part of me, like, would like to stumble upon that there's something to.

[B]

Hurting your own feelings. Like, I'LL go read the comments. I mean, I go on Reddit, I. I googled myself on Reddit and I was like, that was not great.

[A]

And it never stops. It doesn't matter.

[B]

It never stops. And that. It's always like, this person sucks. I got five minutes into their special and you're like, like, you didn't even get to any of the good stuff, dude.

[A]

First five minutes of just settling in, I was pretty. I was kind of like, I had like, I got to be kind of detached a little bit because, like, you know, like, Shane was doing more the stand up. He was really in the spotlight. And in my head I was like, I'm just like, kind of like a cool guy. I don't even care about this stuff. And then I put out a special on YouTube and the comments on podcasts, I was like, whatever. When it was my special, I would read the negative comments and I was like breathing heavy. I was like, oh, it that really me up?

[B]

Like, that's the thing too. It's like, I know I'm not going to be for everybody. So it's like, that is part of it for sure.

[A]

But I'm talking the day it was.

[B]

YouTube, one person was like, she was ugly with her other hair color and then she dyed it again. Now she's even uglier. That actually just made me laugh because I'm like, it's actually the same color.

[A]

That's really funny.

[B]

Yeah, you're even uglier.

[A]

That's up. It's also up when someone like studies you for six months and then slams you. It's like, dude, you've done way too. This was too much reason.

[B]

Right? They. They've spent a lot of time though.

[A]

Yeah. You know, that is. That is really funny. It is. Every now and again you will get one that's so oddly specific. You laugh, you're just kind of like, what the fuck?

[B]

That just makes you laugh. Some of it is just like, I remember when somebody said something mean to Sarah Silverman and she replied something like, I could tell you're just hurting. And then like, she talked to this guy and then like, he was just hurting and like she got like, they're paid for him to get therapy. I mean, I'm not gonna do that. I want you to be very unhealthy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But like, she did that. It's like most of these people are just hurt themselves and then they had sex.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

I don't know. I. Maybe I have no idea what they're thinking. I was like, maybe someone died in their family. I don't know.

[A]

That happens. I've tried to go that route, but I've done that passive aggressively, like, yeah, you must be hurt. And in my head I'm like, fuck you. Fuck you, dude. Go get the help you seek. No, I do feel that way too. Genuinely.

[B]

I think responding to comments is the worst. I almost not responding to any.

[A]

Don't do it. But I do. There. I do. Genuinely, It's. And this is like the dilemma. This is, I would say, the shabby and dilemma where it's like. Like, if someone's attacking you online, he doubled down, was like, he pointed the finger back and he's like, you're actually the loser. And it's like, that's the worst thing. And it's. It's like, it takes two to tango. So it's like, you know, he says.

[B]

That you have to be like, I am a loser.

[A]

I am a loser. I'm a pathetic worm. I'm thankful you acknowledge that. And you get to continue selling liquid death and, you know, making money. And that's. That's the job. You have to be like, yes, I'm a pathetic worm. More politicians should do that. But you're right, I'm disgusting, pathetic worm. I'm a pervert. And I just want to just continue representing you guys.

[B]

Somebody told me that somebody brought up to Trump, like, somebody said this bad thing about you, and he was like, well, good luck to them. And I'm like, what a great response. And also you're like, good luck to them.

[A]

Yeah, true good luck.

[B]

It's like, sure, what else can you do?

[A]

Yeah, true good luck.

[B]

It's like, there's no way to really hurt you when you act like you're not hurt. You're like, yeah, good luck to them.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. But then it's like, do you want. Well, yeah, that's absolutely true. But then the fear is like, am I going to become detached from reality? Then one day my. My decline will be, you know, precipitous.

[B]

And I think you'll probably just shoot up a mall. So I don't think you're gonna. I think one day you just push everything down, and then on a killing spree.

[A]

Yeah, just kill my whole family.

[B]

You have a whole family, though, so that's. I think that will keep you in check a bit.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

I don't. I could really be rogue. Yeah, true.

[A]

Yeah. You can really just kind of go.

[B]

Nuts, which is fun.

[A]

You're gonna travel. It is be. I actually like being alone. A lot. Like, I love having having a family. For real. I love.

[B]

But it's great. You have the best both worlds. You're with your family and then you get to escape.

[A]

True. I get to go and do stand.

[B]

Up and then your wife's with these kids the whole time.

[A]

Yeah, I know, and I feel guilty, but you less and less. But I. Quick announcement for Irvine, California, or really all of SoCal. You guys know I'm SoCal as hell. I've been so cal. But yeah, I'll be at the Irvine Improv 1129. That's this upcoming weekend. Well, I guess next weekend, whatever. 11:29 and 11:30th. And I've also added a show on 11:31 or 12:1. I'm not sure how many days are in November, but you get the point. Next Friday, next Saturday, Next Sunday, I'll be in Irvine, California. And let me just say for the record, la, dude, it's all about Irvine. I'm sick of people from LA being like, oh, you're going to Irvine? I'd never go down. You. Dude, shut up. Irvine's where all the reels are, not a bunch of pretenders out in la. I'm gonna be a famous actor. No, you're not. Grow up and move to Irvine. I'll see you there. God bless you all. Pardon the interruption. This may or may not be Sean Gardini speaking. And this may or may not be Shawn Gardini on camera. Who is speaking and who is on camera is not important. I've come to tell you that Sean Gardini is doing standup comedy shows. The upcoming shows are in Cleveland, Ohio, December 8, Buffalo, New York, December 10, and Baltimore, Maryland, December 11. Please come to those shows if you can. The tickets [e-mail]. thank you. Well, it's. It's. As I try to explain this to her, I'm like. Because she recently went away. And I was like, dude, this is like, my God, man.

[B]

It's hard.

[A]

Very hard. But I was. My part, my thing with her. I was like, yeah, but you're. I was just saying this to bother her. But I was like, but you're, like, naturally more disposed to being able to do. And she was just. What the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, this is like. You're built for.

[B]

She didn't like being a woman or her specific.

[A]

Yeah, I said that to her just about. I knew I was just fucking with her.

[B]

But, I mean, I could see where she gets her resentment, why she can't why she's fucking this guy that fucks her better and she laughs at jobs jokes. I mean, I get, I'm on her side. I gotta be honest.

[A]

You got it. But you have to pepper up. You got to like constantly. I don't know, I, I do like with her a lot. I'm just kidding. I don't, I don't mind genuinely coming down on her, but. Yeah, but it is fun to like do that and like be like, no, I'm dead serious. And just kind of like get her going to tizzy. Like I'm just with you.

[B]

I got to talk to her and tell.

[A]

Especially if I think it's a little bit true. Especially if I think it's a little bit true though. If I'm like, you know what I mean?

[B]

Does she work like a full time job? Oh, then yeah. Yeah, that's your job job. That's your job taking care of these.

[A]

My mom, I always tell her my mom had six kids, man, I would.

[B]

Rather have a day job than have to take care of my kids. I'd rather work. Yeah, I'd rather do that.

[A]

No way, dude. You can do like viral Instagram mama videos. Like, hey mamas. That's what women started doing out of nowhere, calling each other mamas on the Internet.

[B]

Hey mamas.

[A]

Hey mama.

[B]

I guess. But then you still, you do that video and then after your stuff to take care of these kids.

[A]

True. That kind of sucks.

[B]

Yeah, I would have like a babysitter all the time. Time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Then it's not that bad.

[A]

Yeah, if you can get a permanent babysit, you can get an au pair for like $10. Yeah, dude.

[B]

Pretty cheap.

[A]

Cheap Snaker papers and just be like.

[B]

Bro, I remember Snaker papers. Does that mean like pull the green.

[A]

Card, you're not going anywhere.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

I tell they, yeah, well, but you know, most people do that and sex trafficked people, you'd be like, no, I just want you to take care of my kids and I'll give them back when you're done.

[B]

And then you just have, you just like them, them. And then they're also taking care of the kids. They're like, this is crazy. I'm doing two jobs and I'm getting paid for one. You're right. She's out shopping.

[A]

Yeah, she's just shop. I, I, that is kind of like a. It would be nice though to like get so rich that you could just become complete. Like the whole family could become completely apathetic toward each other. You can just like simultaneously like, like.

[B]

My Family would have like tried to buy my love. Yeah, like throwing money at a situation sounds like the nicest thing. Yeah, I really love that.

[A]

People do get resentful about that. Like, you just only bought me presents. It's like, dude, some people don't buy.

[B]

You and some people don't buy you or. And they're not even there anyway.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now you're getting nothing.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. I don't know.

[B]

I'd prefer just.

[A]

Or maybe you do need. Or maybe you do need love. I. I try to like, I, I am like, I almost over index so I like bother my little kids. They're two and four and I'm like, I love you guys. And they're just like, dude, shut up. You don't even know what you're talking about.

[B]

Do they speak yet?

[A]

Yeah. And the two year old talks too. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow. I didn't realize that they talk that young.

[A]

Yeah, they know they smell kids.

[B]

Three kids with the same lady.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How old are they? Wow. It's a big gap to start over.

[A]

Yeah, that does.

[B]

But no, they're like a mistake. Okay. Three, Three mistakes. Each time you were like, yeah, oh yeah, I'm due.

[A]

I'm due for a mistake. Although my. I've been pretty good about not like. No. You know, I would fake. I was like. I've always banked on having one child by mistake, but both the two were like intentional planned. Yeah.

[B]

So you still have another mistake baby come in.

[A]

That's right. That's kind of what I'm kind of.

[B]

I want that for you.

[A]

You do? I. I think, I think you.

[B]

I think you're excited for it.

[A]

I am, Yeah. I always.

[B]

I want your wife to get the boy.

[A]

That's. She wants the boy. She wants the boy.

[B]

She could love the boy. You could love the girls. And that's how you start your army.

[A]

That's how we start the fight. The battle. Either the girl. Yeah, but the girls, they'd be older than the boy. And I would just train to just use like relational aggression.

[B]

Yeah, but he's gonna be stronger than them at some point.

[A]

Eventually. Yeah, but we'll put them in dresses and queer him up a little bit.

[B]

And then your wife's gonna make the girls just dress like boys. You're really gonna fuck these kids up just for your own personal day night. I kind of love it.

[A]

I should. I. It is a thrill. Like, it's a. Sorry, my nose is. It's a serious concern, man. I.

[B]

Your kids being trans.

[A]

Not that. I mean, I.

[B]

They Would only probably be trans for a little bit. It's kind of like a phase for most people, I think.

[A]

I think so. I, I do, I do worry. I don't worry that much about that, but that would, that would kind of blow. If like one of my daughters had like a full on, like basically a better mustache than me, I'd be kind of like, I wouldn't like. I just. It's one of those things where I'm not like, you know, ideologically.

[B]

Like, maybe don't do the drugs and stuff until they're like, sure, sure.

[A]

Yes. Well, that's.

[B]

But then it's like, try it on for a bit. We'll just dress like a boy and stuff.

[A]

I feel like all girls dress like boys now, though. It's kind of normal.

[B]

I dress like a boy for most of my childhood. But like you, I just think it's like, okay then, like, let's see what else you want to do.

[A]

Yeah, don't take the drugs. Don't take the testosterone.

[B]

Don't take the testosterone until you're sure you want like a dick.

[A]

Yeah. So have you seen the dicks, by the way?

[B]

I've looked them up. It's not like, great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just wear a strap on. It's like for your own. I've heard stories where people are like, so you still get that urge to come, but you can't now. I think that was a girl going to a boy or boy going to a girl. I'm not sure which one it was. But they're like, you still get that urgent. Now you can't even come.

[A]

I didn't even think about that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So the. As if you're. If you're a girl who became a guy, you all. The test is like telling your body, like, we gotta come now. But there's not the means.

[B]

I guess so. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's like a little pump you have. Like one of your balls is a pump that you kind of pump it up. Maybe that's who my wife's cheating on me with.

[B]

The pump guy. The pump trans.

[A]

Really form. Pump trans.

[B]

Do you think your wife's cheating on you?

[A]

No, I don't. I don't think. I mean, there's a thing you'll never know as a guy. Women are guys, I think get caught way easier and women could just do. They could get away with it forever. There's no way.

[B]

Especially you're on the road a lot, you know, you could both be cheating. It takes a lot of trust from both of you.

[A]

True. I will say. I can say it with a straight face. I. It's like, I don't cheat.

[B]

I. I don't think you do. And I. I do love that about you. Thank you. Like that. I think you do love your wife.

[A]

I do.

[B]

I do love that. And I would hate to, like, have to ruin that for you guys. Yeah, no, it better be good.

[A]

I am. I will be. I. It's.

[B]

If you start cheating on your wife, I'd be like. It'd be, tell me all about this girl. Like, I'm on your side, actually, so I'll switch sides very easily. I. Very little allegiance. So.

[A]

Well, it's. It is one of those things where it's like, it's understandable. And, like, I was. I always judged. I would, like, hear about that. I'm like, what a. Like, why you have family? Why would you. And then as you get older, you're like, it's actually. It can happen, man.

[B]

It's like, especially, like, if you're on the road, you're traveling. The problem with you is you're pretty well known, and it's so easy to probably get in touch with your wife.

[A]

And tell social media. So it's like.

[B]

It is harder for you, I think.

[A]

I think so. With the social media and all that stuff. And it's just one of those things where you just know, is it worth it?

[B]

It's like, it might blow up my whole family. Is this worth it?

[A]

And it's just. It's like, you know, that moment, as soon as it's over, as soon as you just regret. Just a. Just an ocean of dread for the rest of my life. And that. That kind of keeps me.

[B]

And it's just not.

[A]

It's just, you know, you get to a point where it's like, I have nothing to offer, like a woman. It's like, I'm married. I have kids. I would only be a dad. I'd be taking from that person and then just like, blowing up my own life. Yeah, that's what I tell myself. Yeah, that's. That's what I tell myself. I just go, that's. And I'm not really the kind of, like, romance cover, like, one night stand. It's. It's just.

[B]

It's not gonna be beautiful.

[A]

No, exactly. It's not gonna be beautiful. And that's not really what I offer.

[B]

You're not gonna, like, lay her down and put roses?

[A]

Not gonna blow her mind.

[B]

Yeah, it was just not gonna blow her mind either.

[A]

That's what I'm saying it would just be so. I'm very like, you both regret it. It would be somebody trying to horn in on my life and resources and me foolishly.

[B]

You should give them money, though.

[A]

I would. I'd have to. Yeah, I'd have to gag them. It'd be like, money, gag order, whatever you need.

[B]

I'm just paying for your apartment. I'm paying for your apartment so you don't tell my wife I'm just being extorted.

[A]

But yeah, it is. I will say with the social media stuff, it's like, like, dude, you used to be able to, like, start a family. You could like, leave your family and just go 30 miles and just.

[B]

You could have another family and not even leave them.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. And now it's like with social media, fucking 23 and me, you get a DNA test, it's like, bam. That it all will come out in the wash eventually. That's the one thing I've told my wife that I say, if you do end up cheating on me, you're going to find out. I'll find out. Yeah. I'll find out. Oh, she'd be pregnant, so I would be able to see that. But if I were to do it.

[B]

You think she would automatically get pregnant? She cheated on you?

[A]

I don't know. I mean, I'm saying there'd be somehow there'd be proof, like if I say if I was.

[B]

Give her some credit, that she's not going to get knocked up cheating on you. What a crazy thing. Like, she can't do it. She has to get like a load blown in her. Give her a little credit.

[A]

True. That's true. That's true. But I did explain that to my wife. I was like, it. It's not. It's obviously not worse for a woman to cheat or anything like that, but there is a biological component to it where it's like a guy can't get. Like a woman can never be a cuckold. A guy could be a cuckold. Like, the. The end of female cheating could result in you, like, spending 20 years raising a kid that's not yours.

[B]

That's the cuckold.

[A]

That's what a cuckold is. A cuckold is just anyone whose wife has sex.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I think the woman version is called a cut queen.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Which is. It's funny terminology, but it's not as.

[B]

Like, you know, just make her not come also. That will make me come. You're disappointing another person. I'm getting off on this. This is so hot that you can't please either of us.

[A]

They're just both. Both mad at me eventually. But, yeah, it's like, I've told her. I'm like, it is. There's something that is, like, extra sinister about, like, a woman can cheat, get pregnant, and then just be like, yo, this is yours. Which is like. That's a different level, a different layer of, like, monstrosity.

[B]

But if she. If she cheated on you with a black eye, it would probably come out a little darker.

[A]

Yeah. But here. Here's the thing.

[B]

What?

[A]

This is true. But it's like, once you're, like, an interracial kind of mix, the shades do differ. So if it was, like, if the kid was, like, black as hell, I. I could, you know, maybe ask some questions. But, like, the, like, the hues can be wildly different. Like, if you go to, like, South America.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Where it's like, everyone's been kind of, like, mixed up a lot. You never know. You're gonna have fairy lights and then very. And. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

What if it comes out a little Asian?

[A]

Then I would know. Then I would say, like.

[B]

But the hues are in between. The hues are there. You don't know what's happening.

[A]

That is my favorite thing, though. I've met a couple people where I'll be like, they'll have kids, and I'll show them a picture, and they'll be like, oh, is. Is your wife Puerto Rican? I always. I'm like, my wife's from Sweden. And they'll be like. And I'll watch them be like, what the. And I'm like, I'm just kidding. My wife's black. But the. It's a fun trick I like to do. But, yeah, she. She like, says, our kids look like they're Puerto Rican. That's her. She likes to say that out loud. Just my Puerto Rican babies. And it's funny because we're in, like, a pretty liberal, like, well, to do white area. And it's like people get kind of like, like, don't. You're not allowed to say my Puerto Rican baby like that. She's allowed. She can do whatever she wants. But it's like, it is funny watching people get kind of uptight like the.

[B]

That she has Puerto Rican kids.

[A]

Well, they're. They're just white and black, so they look like the Puerto Rican.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But they are. People are kind of uncomfortable with, like, like, irreverent references to race. Yeah, that's like. And I've noticed that it's more like a kind of like a white liberal thing where it's kind of like what the.

[B]

I always find, like, whenever white people get uncomfortable about race, it means their families had lots of slaves.

[A]

Definitely, dude. Because you're like, yeah, dude, for sure. If you're. Yeah. If you're white and rich. That's what I was saying with, like, reparations. It's like, let's just find out whoever had slaves and just make them pay a bunch of money and then.

[B]

Right. I'm not against that either.

[A]

I think that'd be fair. Like, dude, you guys. You guys had them fork the money and just.

[B]

I wish my family had lots of slaves. I could have been rich.

[A]

You're killing it.

[B]

Yeah, we were very poor, unfortunately. We didn't even have one.

[A]

You didn't have a single one? I don't think we had them. I. I, like, don't want to find out. That would be. That would make my situation very awkward if I found out.

[B]

But now you're providing for these kids and having a better life for them. It's actually like the best come up.

[A]

True. This is true.

[B]

But spin it how you want, Matt.

[A]

This is. This is true. Yeah, like, I've come a long way, but yeah, I don't. I don't think we've had slaves, but the. Yeah, that's got to be crazy, though, to find that out. Some people, like, do learn that and they're like, just sucks for, you know, I mean, I don't know. It's like, you didn't do it. But it's also just kind of.

[B]

It's like everyone was doing it.

[A]

True.

[B]

It's like, Molly. I don't know. It was just trying to fit in. I didn't want any.

[A]

Yeah, it was just the summer of 1869. It was just.

[B]

Everyone, My friend got me one for my birthday.

[A]

They. They say a slave was as expensive as a car. Basically. Basically. So that was like. Everyone's like, yeah, that's like, not everybody.

[B]

It was like, not everyone could afford it.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. That was basically when you adjusted the price. It was like a brand new car. That's expensive. I didn't know. Like, that's pricey.

[B]

Very pricey. But like, what kind of new car? Like a Civic.

[A]

I don't know, but I would. Yeah, I would imagine. I don't know. Maybe there's. There's different, you know, maybe there's different ones. But, like, I think it was kind of like, you know, it was the equivalent to like $25,000. I think I could be wrong about that. That. That's what I heard.

[B]

You know, some people probably couldn't really afford it, but they got one and made them do the work. Like six True.

[A]

Yeah. Oh my God, that's been crazy. Yeah, I. Dude, I. I worked with a guy one time when I was in. How old was. I was in high school and they. It was a pool company. So we're just like digging pools and like, you know, painting pools. All this stuff and maintaining digging pool.

[B]

Seems like brutal work.

[A]

It sucked so bad. But I remember it was literally. It was the worst job I've ever had by far. The guy would stand on the edge of a pool that you were like. Like they used the machine for a lot of it. Then he had a hand shovel, like the edges to like kind of cut it in. And he would stand on the edge of this like hole and just be like, why is your shovel stop? And he would just like a like prison line. He would just be like. And you had to do it the whole time. You had to move. If you stop for a second, he'd be like, why is that shovel not moving?

[B]

Like, I think you're looking for Ukrainians, dude.

[A]

Well, eventually his brother really, they're gonna.

[B]

Do the most work. I'm actually not. So this is what you get with the dude.

[A]

His brother showed up one day and his brother came to the pool yard and he had like a Mexican dude with him and he was like. He like showed this Mexican guy off. Like he was like a Tesla robot.

[B]

Oh, I bet.

[A]

Cuz he was like, yo, dude, you got to get yourself one of these. And he was just like, these are crazy.

[B]

And he just like, that's what you're looking for. Not this. This is not an updated model.

[A]

I'm about to go to college next year. But yeah, he like show. He like introduced this guy to Mexicans. Like it was like a new techn. It was crazy.

[B]

But did he hire a bunch of Mexicans? No, it was me like, I want these outdated models.

[A]

He's like, I want these shitty white guys. Yeah, it was me and the one guy who had seniority. It turned out to be a bit of a freak. He was like, he. I went with him on his like, whatever. It was like a maintenance route. And he was like, we go in his car and we get to like smoke weed all day. And he's like, yeah, it's like, otherwise you'd be digging holes, so I got to do the maintenance thing. But then like we, like, would smoke weed and play Tiger woods golf at his house all day. We, like, finish our jobs quickly and then do. He, like, made this guy a lot of money so he could do whatever he wanted it. And. And then he, like, when we were playing Tiger woods golf and just smoking weed, I was like, in high school, and he, like, came to the. He did something where, like, he was just washing his clothes.

[B]

It sounds like it's getting sexual.

[A]

Yeah, well, here's the thing. It never got fully sexual, but I remember, like, him just, like, walking to the laundry machine in his boxers. I mean, like, weird, right?

[B]

That's how it starts out.

[A]

Exactly. But there was another guy I worked with who was there. Who? The. The. He was like. We had the similar status. It was. Me and him were bottom of the totem pole. Then he had this, like, guy who was like. Like journeyman who could, you know, actually know what the pool machines did. That guy, the boss hated him so much, he would dump. He flip the dumpster over every day and make him pick up the trash because he wanted him to quit so he didn't have to pay him unemployment. But that guy, as I. We, like, he. He's like, his. We've, like, married in together. Like, his family married into my family. And, like, so I, like. I was talking to his brother, and I'm like, dude, like, I worked with your brother. And he was like, yo, that guy was like, one day, pulled his pants down, was, like, shaking his ass to his brother. And I'm like, dude, he was kind of getting some weird, freaky to me, but it wasn't that bad. Unless I just blocked it. Unless we, like, made out. And I blocked it out.

[B]

You're playing golf and then you're making out. You're like, hey, can you do my laundry also? It's like, I'll wash all your clothes. Just take them all off.

[A]

Yeah. I'm like, yeah, he only ever, like, walked in his boxers. In my head, I'm like, I think I. That guy one time. No, it was. It was pretty tame. But I was like, yeah, it was a. It was too good to be true. It was, like, just plying me with weed and PlayStation.

[B]

Oh, you were, like, so close to getting your butt fingered.

[A]

I know, dude. I was so close.

[B]

You got out of there. What happened? I just quit.

[A]

I was like, yeah, I was. It was like a summer job, and I was, like, trying to work all summer. Then eventually I went to the beach for, like, a week with my aunt and uncle, and I was like, I quit.

[B]

They pulled you out of it.

[A]

Yeah, I just, like, grabbed money I could from that place and just fucking took off.

[B]

But it was so close.

[A]

I was so close. I was on the chopping block to get fingers. And I think he was planning on fingering me right before I went to the beach. Maybe. I don't know.

[B]

He's like, well, if you don't say anything about me and my boxers, then I know you're kind of cool with it.

[A]

I think so. But, yeah, it was. Have you ever had any, like, really.

[B]

Up jobs like that where there's like a sexual component? I remember I did stupid things. Like me and my friend would go on a boat with guys we didn't know, and I'm like, oh, we could have definitely gotten raped. And we were young. We're like 17 or 18.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

So it's like you think back to that. You're like, that was pretty dumb, just getting in cars with guys you don't know and going to movies.

[A]

Yeah, that's kind of terrifying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. There was. We used to hang out this like. Like, it was like a movie. Everyone, they tell their parents, we're going to the movie theaters. It's called Painters Crossing. It was just like a shopping center, that movie theater. And you would, like, just hang. You would tell your parents to go to the movies, and instead you were like, stand in a parking lot and be like, dumbasses.

[B]

They think about the movies. We're out on the corner, freezing.

[A]

Yeah, it was freezing outside. But the eating ice cream and friendlies. But they. I remember that there was always like, older, like, older, older dudes that could like, come up in like a cool civic and just like, absolutely prey on the eighth grade girls. And you're like, please don't go with them.

[B]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. They would. Like, old high school guys would pull up and you're like, dude, can you guys please get the out of here? Here.

[B]

Me and my friends went to the movies to go. CB 4. Do you remember that? Like, Chris Rock movie.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. It's pretty bad. But anyway, this guy has like.

[A]

Wait, hold on. C before. I'm thinking of. Am I. I don't know what I'm thinking of.

[B]

No, CB4 is like, I think Chris Rock's maybe first movie. It's pretty bad.

[A]

What year is this?

[B]

Probably 94, 95.

[A]

I didn't see that. I. I have a thing when people ask me about a movie. I lie and say, I saw it and catch myself.

[B]

I actually like that. I like that you do that.

[A]

Sorry. I Do that every time someone says that. You see this movie? Oh, yes.

[B]

Yeah. And then when they start asking you, like, well, maybe I'm misremembering.

[A]

Yeah. I just. Yeah. I just. I don't know what it is. And I'll be like, yeah. And then I'll be like, remember this part? And I'll be like. I used to be like, yeah. And then I don't laugh. And they'll be like, I feel dumb for bringing.

[B]

Honest. You were talking at one point, I spaced out. Like. You know what I mean? It's just kind of how it is. And it's not because I wasn't interested. You said something, and my brain just started going, for sure.

[A]

I appreciate the honesty, dude.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, everyone lies.

[A]

So what was up. What was up with C. Before?

[B]

Anyway, so we. Me and my friends meet these guys on the street. He has, like, a Civic wagon. He's like, you know, Hispanic, Puerto Rican. Raul. And he has, like, Christmas lights in it. We all go to the movies in this guy's car. And it's like, thinking back, you're like, these guys were, like, decent guys. They didn't, like, attack us or rape us or anything. And then you're like, that was pretty dumb.

[A]

Yeah, man. It's. I'm terrified.

[B]

And you have daughters, too.

[A]

I. Dude, I am. Absolutely.

[B]

They're gonna be exotic because they're Puerto Rican.

[A]

I know. And they're. They're. They're beautiful girls, man.

[B]

They're.

[A]

They're beautiful. My wife reminds me. Yep. That. Yeah. I spent a lot of my day fantasizing about just, like, beating a young man to death as, like, a.

[B]

That's fun.

[A]

As an old man, just being like, ugh. I've, like. I've. I've already, like, thought about, like, setting aside resources to, like, just, like, what I would do to a person if they did. I was hitting her or did anything terrible. It's like, I. My one thing is, I'd like to hire a bunch of, like, homeless people or crackheads or just, like, throw a brick at somebody.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

For the rest of his life. For the rest of his life. I'm like, dude, you'll get pelted with a rock for the rest of your life. Life at any given time.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And it's private investigators. I was thinking about. I was, like, awake last night thinking about this.

[B]

There's a whole way, a whole system where you could do it and get away with it.

[A]

Exactly. Oh, I would definitely get away with it if I just paid, like, a Homeless guys to throw rocks at somebody. Like, just like.

[B]

Unless you start paying them too much and then they started their own life.

[A]

True.

[B]

You got to pay them just enough to keep them on the streets.

[A]

Oh, for sure. I. I would like, giving them, like, heroin and.

[B]

Smart.

[A]

Keep them, like. Yeah.

[B]

I'd keep them highly addicted, highly poor on the streets constantly.

[A]

The private eye would be nice, though. The private eye. I really. To start, I'm like, I could, like.

[B]

You could.

[A]

I could follow one person. I could, like, put out the money to, like, follow. Just get the full detail. Like, one of my brothers is like, what are they really up to?

[B]

You could just even pay one of them to do it.

[A]

True. Got private iPhone.

[B]

You're going to be, like, on this, you know, on the road, doing shows.

[A]

And I'd have to. For my alibi, I'd have to. I'd probably try to leave the country, but I would like to. Private eye.

[B]

I don't think you should leave the country now. Your kids are really abandoned.

[A]

No, that's true. Yeah.

[B]

They're going to be strippers now.

[A]

No, I'm saying for, like, a week while. Whatever crime I order, I want to leave the country while it happens. So I come back.

[B]

That's very obvious. Just go to Minneapolis. Plus, you're fine.

[A]

A good point. Yeah, that's true. I'll do Hilarities in Cleveland.

[B]

Go do Hilarities in Cleveland. Some guys getting pelted with stones.

[A]

But, yeah, I. I, like, thought about that last night. Like, would it be an overreach if I had, like, a private investigator, like, follow.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. Right. I wouldn't be crazy. Not, like. Not like, out of a. Almost as a precautionary. Where it's like, she started dating someone.

[B]

Sure. Look into their family.

[A]

Yeah, look, the whole family.

[B]

You're not going to want to know what she's doing, though, because there's a certain, like. Like, sexual component. You're not.

[A]

I don't want that. I'm saying the guy. I'm not gonna, like, spy on that. That would be.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Just buy on the guy. Yeah. His whole family.

[A]

Do you see the Black Mirror episode where the mom has the thing where she can watch the daughter?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

There's. There's a thing on Black Mirror where they had a. The mom can, like, see her daughter at all times, and it just, like.

[B]

Watched her daughter have sex. That's not something you want.

[A]

It was rough.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's not good.

[A]

Yeah, I don't want that, but I just want to, like, just Keep tabs on. Because it's like, you know, dudes can be just. Just. Just dastardly piece of. Yeah. Like a very. There's, like, guys out there.

[B]

I'd like to believe maybe one will be gay.

[A]

That'd be ideal.

[B]

Women are also crazy, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little physical abuse, I would take over. Emotional abuse.

[A]

Yeah, true. Yeah. Women can really you up, like, mentally for sure. That's the weapon.

[B]

I specialize in it.

[A]

Yeah. Can you relate? You can with somebody. What's your. What's your go to?

[B]

Move, Break up with you? Block. You come back.

[A]

Oh, no, no. And then what?

[B]

The breakup. They come back. It' like this cycle. It's like a cyclical cycle. And it's mostly I'm doing that because they're not good for me, but then I'm also just in this chaotic. It's like kind of like my childhood, you know?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Fighting, going back, fighting.

[A]

But how's that weaponized against the other person? Do you know, deep down, like. Like, how would you, like, just try to absolutely, like, wreck someone mentally?

[B]

It depends what I want to, like, make them, like, more into me or make them miss me.

[A]

Like, you know, this is so scary.

[B]

Very scary. It depends what I want to do. What is my mission? Mission? Tell me. My mission.

[A]

Just to, like, knock them down. Just like, try to devastate them or make them feel bad.

[B]

I mean, you could just do jokes about them.

[A]

Ah, sucks. Yeah, I. I was, like, talking to.

[B]

This doorman, and I remember one time, he's like, I don't just open doors. I'm like, when you open windows.

[A]

That's pretty funny.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, like, you could. It's so easy to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because men's egos are so fragile.

[A]

Yeah. Well, also, it's like, dude, like, your.

[B]

Dick is stuck in bed. There's just so many things.

[A]

Penis. Your penis sucks. As a new. That's like, nuclear option. Like, I. And I. It's one of the thing. As a man, you have to wonder, like, what does she really think about this? And it's like, you don't want to know. Obviously, I've. I've, like, I've went into that cave before in previous relationships. Like, just tell me. And it's just, like, crippling. You're like, wait, what.

[B]

What did you ask them in terms of what they think about you as a person?

[A]

No, I don't care about that. I was like, how big is my dick compared to all the other.

[B]

That's a tough question.

[A]

I thought I wanted the answers, and I Was just, like, really just the last guy you're with. Okay.

[B]

But guys are huge. Dicks usually are. Not great in bed, though. I will say that I'd rather. I'd rather an average sized dick. A guy. I'd rather an average sized guy that does all this stuff than a guy that, like, sticks a finger in for a second, then has sex with you and you congratulate.

[A]

You just won over our entire fan base, dude. If you're worried about it for a.

[B]

Second, can you put this to the beginning of the action? Can you move this to the beginning? Advertise dicks are where it's at.

[A]

I'll do that.

[B]

From like, you know, nobody wants a big dick.

[A]

It's gross. Makes a lot of sense, man. I really like the way she's fucking thinking. I also look, and I could be. I could just, you know, I'm not, like, trying to talk about guys with big dicks. Like, they're, like, bad, but I feel like they do carry a more of a machiavellian kind of personality.

[B]

Yeah. Because they have this big dick, but usually that's all they do is have a big dick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like, if you just have that and like. Like don't do foreplay, you don't do anything about, like, for someone else. It's like, it just sucks.

[A]

It's not great. Eventually at all, I. I knew. I knew one guy in my life who was, you know, we. It was like someone. We do him. We had, like, we kind of like a professional relationship. And he. He apparently had a giant dick. And he remember him telling me, like, bro, he's like, living with this lady. And I remember being like, man, she's really putting up with a lot. And he's like, I'm controlling her mind with my dick. And that was what he told me. And it. For a minute, I was like, maybe he is. I'm like, well, good for him. Them.

[B]

Some girls are s. Queens and they want a huge dick.

[A]

But it all fell apart. It did. Eventually, I think she found. Maybe found a bigger. That's a problem. Someone finds another big dick. You. I guess you got to, like, flip a lot of stones, but eventually you find another one.

[B]

Another. But now this guy could do more damage than the other guy.

[A]

True.

[B]

If you're, like, really into big dicks, you. I guess you would put up with a lot.

[A]

Yeah. But it all came crashing down because I remember being like, man, that's a thing. I didn't know that. And then eventually, like, he got kicked out of the house. And I was like, well, mind control. MK Ultra is apparently seized to his. But yeah, it was. It was kind of a. That was like a weird. That's never really been my play. I've never tried to, like, control a woman's mind.

[B]

I don't know if this.

[A]

I didn't know it was an option. I didn't know you.

[B]

I don't know if this guy was controlling her mind either.

[A]

I don't think he did. I got kicked out of her house and she called the police on him.

[B]

I sound like we kept all this money. Where's this guy from?

[A]

Pennsylvania.

[B]

Well, I've dated some Pennsylvania trash.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Keep going.

[A]

True.

[B]

He didn't have a huge dick, though. Though.

[A]

Yeah. This guy. He called it. Yeah, but he. Yeah, it was always. I've always been kind of fascinated as a guy too. Like, you'll just be like, chilling with the guy for a long time, then you just learn he has a huge dick. And you're like, what the you cares?

[B]

That's like, I don't care anymore.

[A]

I don't care anymore. But it was just. It's. Well, sorry, what were you saying? You don't think it's a thing?

[B]

I don't. Like, I get it. Some people really love huge dicks. But to me, it's like, what you can do with it. Like, what your other skills are kind of are better than just having, like, this one thing. You here.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

She's like, you're not even necessarily good at it. You just have it.

[A]

Okay, so like, when it goes, like all the way to the back, you're saying like, take it or leave it.

[B]

I told the guy. I was like, hey, I don't come like that. And he's like, oh, what should I do? He's like, because girls just be coming from that. So, like, he didn't even know. I was like, well, first of all, a lot of them are lying to you. But, like, he's almost 40 and, like, he did not even know that. He's like, oh, I just. I. Girls just becoming like that. I'm like, yeah, not mostly.

[A]

This is sick answer, though. I'm gonna do my wife that. Be like, girls usually just be coming from that dude. I don't know.

[B]

He's like, so what should I do? It's like, so this guy doesn't even know.

[A]

Yeah, well, he didn't know to, like, put it in and go fast as possible.

[B]

Jackhammer move. That's actually his only move. He's like, in another world.

[A]

Like, this isn't for you. This is for me.

[B]

Oh, for sure it's for him? Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. That is a. That is very funny. Yeah. I don't know, man. I. I don't. I don't have. I used to be, like. As a younger man, I was very, like, hung up. I'd be like, oh, my God. Like, you know, where do I stand? And you get older. You're like, what the man? I don't care. But it doesn't matter. It's one of those things, too. It's like, it's. There's an expiration date on that. If you're, like, priding yourself at being awesome at sex, it's like, well, guess what, dude?

[B]

Yeah. And also, this guy was like, well, the one thing you shouldn't talk about is how a guy has sex. And I'm like, that should have tipped me off that he's not good.

[A]

What do you mean to talk about?

[B]

He's like, you shouldn't, like, I guess, criticize how a man is in bed. And then I was like, I should probably think this is not going to be good. Like, if you don't want to hear any feedback.

[A]

Yeah, that's also such a funny thing to be like, look, it's just kind of impolite for you to, like, tell me.

[B]

Can you please not leave me a bad Yelp review? Actually, that's not going to be great for me.

[A]

I. I went on one online date with a person. This was the most. I mean, this was diabolical. And I don't think they genuinely did it on purpose, but this lady was very into lsd. She was like, you know, she was working with, like, kids with disabilities, and she's like, I want to give it to them. And I remember being like, that's pretty nuts. You shouldn't do that. But she told me this. I was like, I always would. That was like my big icebreaker. I'm like, what's, like, the weirdest date you ever went on? And this lady was like, one time I brought some acid to this guy's apartment, and he never did it before. And we were, like, tripping on acid, and we started having sex. And halfway through, I stopped. And I was like, I'm sorry, but you have the smallest penis I've ever seen. She's like, I gotta stop. And she just, like, like, got off and just chilled in his apartment and, like, finished the acid or whatever. And she said the guy the whole time was watching, like, motivational videos on his YouTube while she just kind of, like, Sat on her phone.

[B]

Why didn't he just leave?

[A]

It was his apartment.

[B]

Why didn't she just leave?

[A]

She's a psycho. I don't know. But she like broke this down to him being like, bro, like, you don't understand. Like, this is crazy. I've never encountered anything like this. A dick so small a dick's like, I can't. Like, we just have to stop right now.

[B]

And then I think I dated some guys with small dicks.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I went on a streak of small dicks for a lot of years.

[A]

That's kind of sick.

[B]

It was. But at one point, you just look at it, you're like, I feel almost like a pedophile. This is like kind of. This is like kind of gross. It's very small.

[A]

You just lost half the fan base.

[B]

Aren't they pedophiles, guys?

[A]

I'm kidding. That is very funny. Yeah, that's got to be. Well, that, that's a. I mean, it is the old Louis bit where he's like, you don't know. Know what it is until you get. You have to go on an entire day. Was it. Did he think he did? I maybe. I don't know. Maybe I wrote that. I'm a comedic genius. But the, the.

[B]

Is that what the podium is for?

[A]

Well, did you notice my podium's so big?

[B]

Listen, it's a. It's a big dick energy move. This is a very small energy.

[A]

But I did do that consciously because it made me laugh to be like at a gigantic.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Thank you. But the. Maybe subconsciously it is conversation. But the what? The. I don't even remember what the I was saying. Oh, that is. That is crazy. Just going to streak and then it's like you.

[B]

I wasn't trying. It was happening.

[A]

Seeking it out would be crazy though, if you started like matching them up.

[B]

It was just small.

[A]

How accurately do you think you can predict just looking at a person?

[B]

I have no idea.

[A]

So it's just a total I have.

[B]

No idea question mark. Yeah, I have not. You can't go by feet size. You really can't. For me, I. I have no idea. My friend can tell pretty accurately, but I have no idea. That's crazy. Yeah.

[A]

How does your friend.

[B]

I don't know, she just has a gift. I think she has.

[A]

She's gifted.

[B]

Yeah, she's gifted.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz the thing is you can't then like, you have a responsibility as you can't like, leave the guy and be like, dude, your dick's just not cutting the mustard. Because then it's like, that's. That's terrible. So you have to like, just kind of wait. What do you do? Have to wait it out for a little bit and eventually be like, look, I don't think.

[B]

No, I mean, I remember one time I was like talking to this guy and he was like, oh, I just want you to have a small dick dick like we were at. And then, like, I was like, all right, well, I'll like, jerk you off, but, like, I'm not gonna, like, take a number and have that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To my roster.

[A]

True, true.

[B]

Bring down the me, the mean average. But listen, when a guy tells you as a small dick, he does usually.

[A]

Yeah. The power move is when it's average and you go super small. And then they go.

[B]

It's like three inches. Yeah, it's six. That's great.

[A]

Yeah, that's exactly. That's kind of my move to be like, it's so small. And they go, not that bad. Well, whatever.

[B]

Right? They're like, pleasantly surprised.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Especially the whole time on the day, like, you're eating, like, how's your food? Like, by the way, my dick is tiny, dude.

[B]

But then sometimes, sometimes it is tiny and you're like, oh, you were not lying.

[A]

Honest Abe that point. You're Honest Dave. Yeah.

[B]

I told you what you were in for. It was not good.

[A]

I think that's actually, that's a good. That's a noble thing, though, to be like, look, I got a small dick. It's kind of freeing.

[B]

I. I would think so. And then you could also, if you date this person, just like, get away with so much because their dick is so small.

[A]

Oh, you. You're saying you can, like, denigrate them or. Or just.

[B]

You can just cheat.

[A]

It's like, what are you, dud?

[B]

Finding another person to put up with that.

[A]

Yeah, true. Be like, look, I would love you if your dick was bigger, but it's not.

[B]

I do love you, but I don't like you. I don't like you at all.

[A]

So I do have to. I have to do this because of you.

[B]

If you have a small dick, you have to be good at other stuff.

[A]

For sure. Sure.

[B]

And that's why these big dick guys are not.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. You got to be very good. I. I've. The one thing that is crushing in terms of. From a celebrity perspective, then you get, like, well known celebrities with small penises, and that kind of like hits the streets.

[B]

What was that guy's name that cheated on his wife with the Nanny. And he had a small dick. White guy, curly hair.

[A]

I don't know. I was thinking, I know Arnold Schwarzenegger took down his nanny, but I don't know. I'd imagine he doesn't have a microphone. That'd be crazy.

[B]

Talented. Mr. Ripley, he was in. Who's that guy? Not Matt Damon. The other one.

[A]

Ben. Not Ben Affleck.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

JLO wouldn't put up with that.

[B]

Probably not.

[A]

Probably a bit of a size queen. I don't know. I'm trying to think of the other.

[B]

It's the guy in it.

[A]

The talented. So it's not Ben Affleck. Who's the other guy?

[B]

Jude Law.

[A]

Jude Law, really? He's a hungry.

[B]

I know. And he's got a small dick. From what I. What I've heard. I don't know.

[A]

Okay, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But he's so handsome, though, right? Wouldn't it be kind of like.

[B]

That would really be a small and thin is bad. At least be thick. Thickish. Just not like a finger.

[A]

Okay. More like one and a half.

[B]

Like two at least.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Cool.

[B]

Even if they're like two pinkies. That's not bad.

[A]

Oh, you're saying like.

[B]

I'm just saying, like, you prefer two thumbs, wide length.

[A]

I got you. But you'll take two pinkies. Pinkies is serviceable. Two fingers is serviceable.

[B]

It's on the low end.

[A]

One index finger. You're talking about getting probe. You're talking about getting probed. Is that out? No, for real. I'm not. I'm not dick bragging at all. Is that out there?

[B]

I don't know. That's crazy. I've never.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've never come across.

[A]

Damn. I was feeling real good about myself.

[B]

I was like, I'm sure there is. If this airs in China, I'm sure there are some guys with that.

[A]

Yeah, that's. I. Have they done the smallest in the planet?

[B]

I think the smallest on the planet. Some guys, like, wait, have you gone to Jupiter and see what the dicks are like out there?

[A]

Have they done small in the planet? Yeah, he's got. He's known for the smallest piece. So how does that work? They didn't have like a. Oh, they had a contest, didn't they? They actually had a. I actually, yeah, I read about this. They had a small dick contest and they found the guy who had, like, the smallest dick in the world. World. So I think it was like trying to raise awareness. Be like, look, guys, let's destigmatize.

[B]

Just gonna make him want to kill himself more.

[A]

Smallest thing in the world. At that point, though, you'd have to just laugh.

[B]

It's so crazy.

[A]

Smallest dick. And then you'd know for. You'd know where you stand. Half the torture is not knowing where you stand.

[B]

Right. If you're just the worst, you're like, but I have huge balls. My balls are just huge.

[A]

Yeah, that would be.

[B]

Stick my dick in there and my balls. So you're gonna get everything.

[A]

You just spray like an ungodly amount of your tiny.

[B]

You're getting everything, man.

[A]

Yeah, that is a. It's an issue. And that's one. That's one guys are sensitive about. And, you know, it's. Man, I just wish my brothers out there could just, you know, just be free.

[B]

The best.

[A]

I think so, too. It's best of both worlds. Best of all worlds. Hard worker, hard worker. You know, you get a little something going in sweatpants. Something crazy. Nothing to brag about.

[B]

If there's nothing there. That's a real turn off. Off. But also for a woman. You really don't know. I mean, I guess there's no way to know either. If a woman's vagina is, like, huge.

[A]

Yeah, there's no way. That's a absolute. You have. You can't tell at all.

[B]

Right. So you just have to go in. You're both like this.

[A]

Fingers crossed.

[B]

We have no idea if this is going to be a match or not.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, people should. I. I would like to think people should be more like, just kind of gracious about it and be like, hey, you know, I. I didn't really think that worked out very well. I'll take. I'll be willing to accept my half the responsibility and, you know, let's say, wish you the best and maybe find a good match.

[B]

I had a boy, an ex boyfriend, who said that, like, he had sex with a woman, and it was just, like, hollow inside. He also didn't have a big dick. And I was like, so what do you do? He's like, you just try and hit the walls. Yeah, that was so funny.

[A]

You gotta lean. Yeah, I guess you'd have to lean to either side.

[B]

You just. I didn't think this. I think I did this wrong again.

[A]

That's all right.

[B]

Yeah, that's all coming off, I think.

[A]

Good, you caught yourself on that. But yeah, that is. I feel bad. That's the thing too. Like, you know, because it's. I feel bad for. There could be a lady that has a like, literally gigantic vagina.

[B]

I think there are.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've dated guys who have said that. I'm like, is that a real thing? And they're like, yeah.

[A]

I've only ever come across one in my entire life. And it was. I was. I was gracious about it. I was like, thank you for letting me, you know, inside do that. Yeah. Like, thank you. You've obviously, you know, I'm in the hall of the Titans, but, like, thank you for allowing me in here.

[B]

And then what happened? And you were just like, I'm out because you're loose puss.

[A]

It was. There's a lot of other stuff going on.

[B]

You just make it about something else.

[A]

Yeah, I. Yeah. I mean, I would just kind of just not respond, but the Kind of dastardly. But no, I would. I would really just be like, yeah. You know, I don't. I don't. I'd wait like, a week or two and then be like, dude, I'm. You know, it's just isn't.

[B]

I'm so busy.

[A]

Honestly, I have a lot going on. You're a great person, but the. The. Yeah.

[B]

You know, I'm touring pretty hard. It's gonna be hard for me keep this up.

[A]

You were actually. I just. I need to find someone with a bigger.

[B]

Yeah, you're actually a little too small for me.

[A]

Exactly. I like to be completely lost. Completely lost and disoriented. Like a float tank. I just get in there and I'm like, what the going on here? Start meditating. Yeah, I wish people would. The problem is, like, I'll argue with my wife, and then I'll come in from the shower naked, and just, like, a tiny, flaccid penis.

[B]

And it's like, you coming from an argument like that.

[A]

Yeah. I walk in, I'm. I'm begging for it. I'm begging. I love to be punished, but I'm, like, coming in. I'll do that.

[B]

You won't even, like, get a little thing going?

[A]

If I have. If I have, like, the time to do it. If I'm, like, thinking about it, I mean, I'll always get a little thing that's like, okay, good first step. But the. Sometimes I'll just be like, you know, getting ready for bed, and we'll, like, be in that, like, silent zone of, like, huffing and puffing, and I'll just, like. I'll walk in. In my head. I'm like, I dare. I didn't know. She's like this. Look at this piece of, like. And she's definitely. I know you're smiling. She's.

[B]

She's definitely someone does that. And you're like, I hate. Hate you so much right now. There's no way I would ever touch you. I'd rather you go a homeless person than me touch you. But is she like. Sometimes she gives in because she just knows.

[A]

What do you say? Give in. I'm talking about. She's mad. I'm talking about. She's looking at me and I know she's mad at me already. So she's seeing me naked and just like, my. I have, like, pimples on my butt. A tiny flaccid penis. I know she's being, like, gross.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'm like. And I'm looking at her like, say something. I dare you. You. Are you talking about me being, like, trying to parlay that into a sexual advance?

[B]

Yeah. Like, she's mad at you, and then you come in and you're like, huh, we gotta.

[A]

We gotta be fighting really bad for it to kind of go to, like, sexual. It has happened.

[B]

I've had sex with people where I'm like, this is almost rape. Where you're like, I'm so not into this. I hate just, like, praying for it to end.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That also hurts a guy's ego, but the.

[B]

Not enough to stop. He's like, this hurts, but I'm gonna keep going.

[A]

That's for you guys. That's for you guys.

[B]

We're like, I'm gonna deal with that.

[A]

Yeah, that's for you guys. But I. I've always been a bit of a brat about that. If I. If, like, if I'm getting, like, kind of maintenance sex of like, look, I know you need this. Do it. I used to be very, like, you're not even into it. But now I'm. I'll be gracious. I'm like, dude, thanks. You know?

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

I know this isn't on the top of your agenda, but thanks for letting me do that. I was actually.

[B]

Well, thanks for letting me masturbate with your vagina. That's kind of what that sex feels like when you're not into it. It. I don't know what's going on with this thing. That's what it feels like where you're like, I'm just gonna let you masturbate. My.

[A]

Yeah. I still. I'll be honest, though. It's like, I've gotten more gracious, but there's part of me that gets resentful. It's like, seriously, dude, like, you're not. You're not feeling this at all. And that's kind of. But then it's like, what a nice thing to do. So I'm kind of torn on that issue.

[B]

I get it. It's also nice too. Like if you are doing it from behind, you're really disconnected from it. If you could just be on your phone doing something.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

That would be like the nice part.

[A]

For her just watching, just real.

[B]

She's just responding to emails because she has a lot to do.

[A]

Just watching Fighter and the kid CL.

[B]

Just thinking about him. So wait, is he not doing standup anymore? I don't really know much.

[A]

I think he's going to get back into fighting. I've also, I've heard. By the way, I'm not trying to trash the guy. I think him as his, as a phenomenon. That's kind of what I'm interested in. I, I'm not, I love the first.

[B]

Of all, I don't know him, so I don't like dislike him or anything, but someone sent me a videos where he's just like in podcasts lying about stuff and then he's on another podcast contradicting it.

[A]

That's what happens when you have 95,000 people auditing your every word. They would tear you to shredded.

[B]

Yeah, I think he said like he didn't grow up with dogs. And then someone's like, he did grow up with dogs and then he said he had a parrot and then he didn't have a parrot or something. It's just kind of great.

[A]

It is pretty funny.

[B]

I do love that. And that's what I, what I love about him is that, yeah, it is a cool story.

[A]

It's like he got kind of like he was an MMA fighter. Got like launched into the, you know, I would say semi national spotlight. Got absolutely mma. Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Got, yeah, he was, he was an MMA guy. I think he knew Rogan from mma and then he got launched into like, you know, like the role of a comedian, but just was like right at the top and just got out.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Imagine like two years in just getting your recording.

[B]

Somebody said they liked Gringo Poppy better than my special.

[A]

It's probably my wife, dude. Nasty wife.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Yeah, it was all right, but I just prefer the energy brought gp Like.

[B]

I know you're trying to hurt my feelings, but actually that made me laugh.

[A]

Yeah, that also made me, that is like, that's one of those ones you're like, that's, you know, it's with me mean. But yeah, I, I, I don't Know what the I was even talking about? But, yeah, I just. I don't want to throw shade to the shop, man. But it is. It was kind of a. I've heard he's nice. I heard he's a nice guy. But it was just a very. I think about it a lot. Like, just like, how do you deal with people? They're. They're like kind of paying for your livelihood, and part of that is them getting to say, like, horrible, shitty things to you. And it's like, there's like a dad who pays your bills, and they. Every now and again, they just lash it. They get. People get drunk, too, online. You forget you read.

[B]

That's true. A lot of them that' they get their courage.

[A]

Yeah. Or a lot of people, like, they'll be blacked out. You'll, like, read something and be like, oh, how could somebody possibly say that? And you get a message later like, bro, I blacked out. I'm so. I was hammered last night. I apologize.

[B]

But that is how you truly feel.

[A]

True, true.

[B]

You're apologizing for sending it, but that is how you feel about me.

[A]

Yeah, true. You exposed me to your truth. And I don't know, it gets weird because then you get into the territory of like. Well, you know, it's like, this is kind of. This is what I like to tell myself. Like, maybe I'm just listening. Something they see in themselves and they. They hate it.

[B]

Yeah. That's true, too. There. A lot of times they're going through. They need someone to take it out on.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what I like about New York City is that, like, if you're having a bad day, there's so many people to unleash your anger on.

[A]

That's kind of nice. Yeah.

[B]

And everyone's just mad, so it doesn't really matter.

[A]

I do miss that. The road rage in Philly. It was like you could, like, come up to a stop sign, someone starts to go, and you're just like, hanging out your window. Like, s. Like, you just. Me and just like a Muslim black lady were fighting. And I'm like, this is. We never would have talked otherwise.

[B]

Bringing us together.

[A]

We get to scream at each other.

[B]

We're both hate each other.

[A]

Yeah. That was. I do miss that. Texas is, like, weirdly nice. I didn't know it would be so nice down here.

[B]

Do you think that's just Austin, or you think it's.

[A]

Could just be Austin? I've never. I. I've only ever been in Austin, so I don't know But I think people are generally, like, a little more slower and nicer. Yeah. A little dumber.

[B]

Do you think somebody said it has something to do with everyone having a gun? Gun, New York. No one has a gun.

[A]

Yeah, I agree. You can kind of pop off, Right?

[B]

So here it's like, hey, we both have guns.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's not shoot each other.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's another one of my recent, like, just pointless fantasies I have now of, like, getting in a road rage altercation and just being, like, totally gracious and being like, dude, I fully apologize for what I just did.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'd like for us to move forward through this and just try to, like, really change somebody just upset me.

[B]

She just really told me something that's upsetting my wife. I'm taking it out on you, and you don't deserve that.

[A]

True. That'd be nice to just trap the guy. Go from road rage to being like, dude, I'm.

[B]

I just need someone to talk to.

[A]

I don't think my dick's that good. Dude, I don't think my dick's that good. And I. I don't think I'll ever be able to truly please a woman. And I'm just. I just want to kill first.

[B]

Can you go back to, like, shooting me, please? I'd actually prefer that than whatever we're doing right now.

[A]

I think I'll be born and die and I'll truly never please a woman. Hurts me.

[B]

There are some guys that have never pleased a woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Probably a lot.

[A]

It's kind of cool then. I feel like at that point you just, like, wear an eye patch and just become like, a poke. Like, you know what I mean? I think that'd be kind of cool to, like, know, like, I'll never, never just become, like, a bad guy.

[B]

You're like, I'm actually trying not to make you come. So if you feel close, let me know. I'm going to stop.

[A]

You're going to mess up my mystique. Yeah, but, you know, whatever. It's not all about that. I'll be honest. You know what I mean? What do you. What would you say it's all about if you had to pick it thing?

[B]

It's a mix of things. You mean like making a relationship work?

[A]

No, just in general.

[B]

Like, in life, what makes you happy?

[A]

Yeah, I'm.

[B]

Money.

[A]

You think so? Yeah, definitely money.

[B]

Probably money. And I guess some people you do love. Yeah, those two things.

[A]

I think you're right.

[B]

If you had to only pick one, I'm sure Most people would just say, like, family that you love, but also money's pretty great.

[A]

Yeah, I, I, it is, it is one of those things. I don't, I don't think it is the root of all evil. I would say it's not.

[B]

And I do think at some point when you have so much money and you can like, control things, that's not great. But if you have just enough for yourself and pay your bills, pay your bills and like, go on vacation if you need to, like, you should have enough money to possibly have to go off the grid and.

[A]

Yeah, I, I agree, man. I think there is, like, the problem is, is like, once you get enough to pay your bills, go on vacation and like, have a nice, normal life. The problem is I, I would, you know, I've, I have that and I'll still get like, like miserable. And that's when I'm like, dude, I'm just. And that's what, I've been trying to work on that a lot because it's very shitty. Because you're like, dude, what the. Nothing brings me back.

[B]

You might just like, need to get cancer and almost die and then come back from it. So then you're like, oh, I do really appreciate this. Now we just haven't had cancer yet.

[A]

That's true. I am looking forward to that. That would be a total game changer.

[B]

Where you're like, almost gonna die and then you're like, I love life.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I need. And I, I'm, I have a pretty.

[B]

Everyone needs that, that, I think. So almost near death experience where you enjoy life again.

[A]

It's a good idea. That's, that's what kind of like, you know, you can also do like a ton of mushrooms. That kind of does help if you, if you're like, want to get.

[B]

I'm just scared of drugs because I don't respond great to them. And I, I just think, I feel like anytime I did something crazy, like, I've only smoked pot and had great and awful experiences. I think if I did mushrooms or something, I'd be like, I could fly and I know I'd fall out a window.

[A]

Yeah, I try to climb a water tower when I was little.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's why I climb it. No, no, no. I mean, well, I shouldn't say little. I was like 18 years old, but I, I was, you know, younger. I was new, but I was a fresh boy. People were showing me their butts in the apartment.

[B]

Life was really opening up for you. The opportunities that you were really Getting between seeing guys butts and climbing water up.

[A]

I. Yeah, I was like, I remember just being like on mushrooms and being like, I'm definitely gonna climb that. My friends are like, don't, don't do that. And I was like, I couldn't comprehend the idea of like, get it like her getting hurt or getting in trouble. I was like, dude, I'll get to the top. Like, watch this. And they're like, dude, for real. Don't, don't.

[B]

And you still did it.

[A]

I didn't do it. Thank.

[B]

Because that's not smart.

[A]

No. That's why I am a little bit nervous about that. Like, yeah, I might jump off some, but I try to stay ground level. Ground level. Stay ground level.

[B]

Yeah. But I think I'd probably be like, let me see if I could dart across this eight lane highway.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's another thing I could see myself doing dry.

[A]

I've driven them. Look, you talk. I've done it. I know.

[B]

I just think I would do stupid stuff like that.

[A]

I drove on mushrooms against my guitar teacher's advice. He was like, what? I told him, I was like, I'm gonna do mushrooms. Mushrooms. He was like, sick. And he was like, don't. He's like, whatever you do.

[B]

He's like, just create some cool riffs.

[A]

He's like, whatever you do, do not drive. And I was like, roger, that first time I did him, I was like, I want to get out of here. And just got on the. I thought I was fine. I got on the road.

[B]

I can imagine, dude.

[A]

It was terrifying.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think that's great.

[A]

Yeah, don't ever do that. Don't drive on mushrooms.

[B]

It's not unless you think you could do it. Unless it's a microdose challenge.

[A]

If it's a microdose, you can you. Fine.

[B]

Does micro dose help with like depression? What does microdose actually do?

[A]

So I would argue, yeah, it does. It's one of those things where it's like you take like 0.1. You're supposed to take like a sub perceptual dose. So you're not supposed to. If you're like feeling high, it's like, it's. It's too much. Some people still do that because they're like, oh, this is better. But you take a little bit to the point where you don't really notice it as much. But you're. It will almost alter your thought patterns in a way where you'll be thinking differently. And then the days you're off of It. You get to kind of start to compare and be like, okay, on this day, I was presented with this situation, and, like, my brain. You just have, like, more serotonin. So you're going, all right, I. I kind of worked this problem out differently.

[B]

And then maybe I should try it.

[A]

You should. I think it's a good idea, man. It's not going to hurt. Micro dosing is one of those things, and it's one of those if, like, what can happen When I would do it initially, like, I would get nervous. Like, I'm like, oh, I'm going to take too much and, like, freak out. Like, it's going to.

[B]

I'm just worried I'm going to freak out.

[A]

It's just the first couple days, you take it on, like, a day you have nothing to do and, like, know. Just go do stuff. Walk. Go for a walk. And I think it's good. Like. And I would go off and on. I still go off and on. And this is my on cycle. I'm on them right now. But the.

[B]

But you seem, like, fine.

[A]

Yeah, it's totally fine. It really is.

[B]

How long does it, like, last for?

[A]

It takes about. You take it, and then, like, an hour later, you might start to feel like an onset. But ideally, you barely even feel it.

[B]

Do you drive on it?

[A]

Oh, big time.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I should drive Uber on them all the time.

[B]

No, Sh. Is it, like, legal to drive on it? Not what you're doing. Doing. Not whatever crazy you're doing there?

[A]

Well, yeah, it is, because it's like, you're not gonna get breath a lot. You're not gonna be like, are you on point one of Golden Wizards? They're not gonna know.

[B]

Does Golden Wizards make you tell the.

[A]

Truth where you're like, yes, it. No, you would be fine. I'm telling you, if, like, if you were to take a actual mic. The problem is with mushrooms, they can be, like, five times stronger than other things. So, like. But if you find a good batch.

[B]

I took one edible at my friend. We were in Austin for moon tower. My friend. My best friend does edible. She's like, this is actually very low.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I took it, and I woke up to the ocean, and it was. I was off the rails. Anytime I do it and it goes bad. I'm like, in a situation where I think someone's trying to kill me or I'm dead and I need to wake myself up. I'm like, in a coma.

[A]

What did you take near the ocean? Where were you?

[B]

I know. I heard the Ocean. I was in a hotel room.

[A]

Oh, God. God.

[B]

Yeah. I was like, edibles, dude.

[A]

That's one thing people will act like. I. I would rather.

[B]

I took one and my friend was like, how many did you take? And I, like, counted them and I was like, I think I took all of them. I was like, they keep disappearing. It was like, wild.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was your friend find.

[B]

My friend didn't take it. She's like, I'll. The. I guess by whatever the percentage was. She was like, this is a very low dose. And then I took one and I was like, I thought it was Russell Crow and that A Beautiful Mind. Like, I'm always go towards schizophrenia where like, we're like, I think I'm doing one thing, but this is, like, reality.

[A]

Yeah. That. The weed edibles. Can they. I don't. I don't. I'd rather take. I'd honestly rather take a small amount of mushrooms and take a weed edible. They, like, freak me out. They get like my heart rate kind of going and I get like.

[B]

It's just like, I always go to. Like, I'm in a mental institution. No one tell me the truth. I'm stuck here. People are visiting me. It's like, it's. My mind is not good. One time, I thought. Always trying to kill me the whole night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we were staying together and we. He was going back to this Airbnb and he chose a different way. And I was like, are you going to come in that hotel? He's like, no. I was like, but wouldn't you say you're not going to kill me if you're going to come? He's like, yeah, I guess that's right. And I. I went to open the door and he's like, don't. But I freaked him out. Where. He got back to the Airbnb and locked the door. He's like, I don't want you trying to come in. I was like, I'm locking my door. You're.

[A]

He locked you. He locked you in.

[B]

We had our own door. We had our own bedroom. So he locked himself in his bedroom, and I locked mine out of my bedroom. Because I was like, you might be trying to kill me. I have no idea.

[A]

That was when you did the weed edibles last night.

[B]

That was. That was another time that we. The first night we did. We smoked and it was the most fun. And then it was that the edibles.

[A]

Are a whole different. Yeah.

[B]

That even edibles. That was regular pot. And I was like, what is this? He goes, yeah, this like, makes you a little more, like, hypochondriac. I'm like, why wouldn't you tell me.

[A]

That he hit you with the hypochondriac weed?

[B]

I don't know. Whatever it is, it was not good. I was. I was succeeding to the most on hypoch.

[A]

Oh, my God, bro, you're swap as hell. I'm so. Thank you so much for putting up with this. I'm trying to, like. Yeah, taking mushrooms is sick. Here's my setup. Sucks. Sorry. Yeah, I think we did it without Doug.

[B]

I think.

[A]

Yo, for real. Thank you so much. Let's. Let's log off.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You absolutely did it.

[B]

I'm, like, eating.

[A]

Dude. For real. Thank you.

[B]

Women are so stupid.

[A]

I. For real. Thank you, rule. I'm very happy you did this.

[B]

Me too. And I hope everyone doesn't hate me on your podcast, but if they do, it's, like, not my problem.

[A]

I got a good six cents, dude. I got a good six cents. And I would say. I would say. They'll say, welcome to the halls of Memente.

[B]

I hope so.

[A]

They'll say absolute. They'll say, the dark queen has arrived.

[B]

Dude, go watch the dark green. Go get upset.

[A]

Yeah, watch the dark Queen. These guys aren't gonna get upset.

[B]

These guys. This is my fan base, probably.

[A]

I think it might be. Honestly, I think you might have found you just trash people.

[B]

I'm all also garbage, so it makes sense.

[A]

Yeah, you're about to get tapped into the worst dudes now.

[B]

I've dated a guy from Philly. I'm already there. Yeah, I know what that's like.

[A]

No, they're very. They're my. My online family are fiercely loyal, dude. I know my energized communities. It weights you, dude.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

But no, dude, thank you for doing this. You're cool.

[B]

Thank you for having me. It was a lot of fun despite this thing.

[A]

Well, I'm going to love mics, guys. Go to Netflix. Watch the Dark Queen. Thank you.

[B]

Do you have.

[A]

You have, like, a website or tickets or anything?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Go check me out on Instagram. Adrian Appolucci. Come see me on the road. I'm going to go do some gigs with Ari. January, February, March.

[A]

Right on.

[B]

Then I have some my own headline dates, so goes come out.

[A]

All right. Love you guys.