Ep 533 - Log Cabin (feat. Jeff Dye & Lemaire Lee)

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast Episode: Ep 533 - Log Cabin (feat. Jeff Dye & Lemaire Lee)
Release Date: December 3, 2024

---

Introduction

In Episode 533 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast," hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis are joined by comedian Jeff Dye to discuss a wide array of topics, ranging from the nuances of stand-up comedy to political activism and personal anecdotes about everyday experiences. The episode is characterized by its candid humor, rapid-fire exchanges, and the hosts' signature blend of irreverence and insight.

Stand-Up Comedy: Standing vs. Sitting

The episode opens with a discussion about the physical stance of stand-up comedians on stage. Shane advocates for standing during performances, emphasizing that sitting can come across as arrogant and diminish the comedic delivery.

• Shane Gillis [00:05]: “Standing podcasts are the future. This is enough of the sitting. Enough sitting and talking. I think it's giving. It's just podcasters are getting lazy.”
• Jeff Dye [00:22]: “You know what that stool is? It's a tiny table for my drinking set list. That's all that is.”

The conversation delves into the practicalities and perceptions of using a stool on stage, with both hosts expressing a preference for remaining upright to maintain energy and engagement.

Political Activism and Log Cabin Gay Republicans

A significant portion of the episode focuses on Shane’s involvement with the Log Cabin Gay Republicans, a group advocating for LGBTQ+ rights within the Republican Party. The hosts explore the complexities and challenges of being openly gay Republicans in a predominantly conservative environment.

• Jeff Dye [03:35]: “Log Cabin Gay Republicans. Whoa. Did you know that was a thing.”
• Shane Gillis [07:41]: “They have the best sense of humor. And like, I think they're also new Republicans. You know, they're like, sick of this new.”

They discuss the historical context of the Republican Party, including Abraham Lincoln’s affiliation, and critique the party's evolving stance on race and sexuality.

Experiences with Joe Rogan and Podcasting

The conversation shifts to the influence of Joe Rogan in the podcasting world. Both Matt and Shane share their admiration for Rogan, highlighting his impact and the dynamics of appearing on his show.

• Matt McCusker [16:03]: “I want to be honest.”
• Shane Gillis [16:15]: “He’s getting more. Every time I think I've gotten a little jacked, I see him, like, a month later.”

They reminisce about their interactions and the unique position Rogan holds in popular culture, reflecting on how it shapes their own approaches to podcasting.

Anecdotes: Disney, Flight Travel, and Personal Mishaps

The hosts and Jeff share humorous and sometimes cringe-worthy stories from their personal lives, including experiences at Disney parks and frustrations with airline procedures.

• Jeff Dye [22:14]: “He was cool that I was good. We're like, oh, my God. Like, it was because she is a cool chick.”
• Shane Gillis [37:03]: “I want to go real camping.”

These anecdotes are peppered with witty remarks and observational humor, showcasing the hosts' ability to turn everyday situations into entertaining narratives.

Substance Use: Weed and Mushrooms

A substantial segment is dedicated to discussions about marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms. The hosts debate the merits and drawbacks of these substances, reflecting on their personal experiences and societal perceptions.

• Matt McCusker [63:38]: “I'm such a bitch about these kind of things. Dude, it hurts.”
• Jeff Dye [68:37]: “But it's, I get it. Like, if you"

They explore the balance between recreational use and the potential for overuse, touching on topics like dosage, effects, and the changing landscape of legality and acceptance.

Health and Wellness: Raw Milk and Dietary Choices

The conversation takes a turn towards health and nutrition, with Matt and Shane discussing unconventional dietary choices like raw milk. They delve into the benefits and controversies surrounding such practices.

• Shane Gillis [82:15]: “I make decaf coffee and I pour a ton of raw milk in there.”
• Jeff Dye [84:21]: “But it's, I get it. Like, if you, you know, when you're milking a cow..."

The hosts critically examine the health claims associated with raw milk, integrating humor with earnest inquiry into dietary myths and facts.

Social Interactions and Personal Responsibility

Towards the end of the episode, Matt, Shane, and Jeff engage in a discussion about social etiquette, responsibility, and the challenges of maintaining personal integrity in everyday interactions.

• Jeff Dye [77:57]: “But the thing with. I'm eating trash, dude.”
• Matt McCusker [80:38]: “It is.”

They offer candid opinions on topics like alcohol consumption, personal accountability, and the societal pressures faced by individuals in maintaining certain standards of behavior.

Closing Remarks and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, Shane and Matt promote upcoming live shows and encourage listeners to engage with their content.

• Jeff Dye [95:43]: “Please go for it.”
• Shane Gillis [95:51]: “Hell yeah. Great club.”

The hosts thank their guest, Jeff Dye, for his participation and humorously reflect on the format of the podcast, expressing enthusiasm for future episodes.

---

Conclusion

Episode 533 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" offers a blend of humor, candid discussions, and personal stories from Matt McCusker, Shane Gillis, and guest Jeff Dye. Covering a wide range of topics, from the subtleties of stand-up comedy to the intricacies of political activism and personal lifestyle choices, the episode exemplifies the hosts' ability to navigate diverse subjects with wit and authenticity. Notable for its engaging dialogue and memorable quotes, this episode is a testament to why many consider it one of the funniest podcasts available.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Shane Gillis [00:05]: “Standing podcasts are the future. This is enough of the sitting. Enough sitting and talking. I think it's giving. It's just podcasters are getting lazy.”
• Jeff Dye [00:22]: “You know what that stool is? It's a tiny table for my drinking set list. That's all that is.”
• Matt McCusker [16:03]: “I want to be honest.”
• Shane Gillis [37:03]: “I want to go real camping.”
• Jeff Dye [68:37]: “But it's, I get it. Like, if you..."
• Shane Gillis [82:15]: “I make decaf coffee and I pour a ton of raw milk in there.”
• Matt McCusker [95:43]: “Please go for it.”

---

This summary encapsulates the key discussions, insights, and humorous exchanges from the episode, providing a comprehensive overview for those who haven't listened while maintaining the natural flow and engaging tone of the original conversation.

Transcript

[A]

She's gone.

[B]

And we're live. Jeff Dye, thank you for joining the podcast.

[C]

Thanks for having me.

[B]

Dude, I'm telling you, standing podcasts are the future. This is enough of the sitting. Enough sitting and talking. I think it's giving. It's just podcasters are getting lazy.

[C]

I agree.

[B]

Podcasts are more important than ever, dude. After this election.

[C]

Nailed it. Also, most of us are stand up comics.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Standing. Yeah. Dude, do you rock the stool at all on stage?

[C]

Never.

[B]

Me either, bro.

[C]

You know what that stool is? It's a tiny table for my drinking set list. That's all that is.

[B]

It's not a seat. I.

[C]

Table.

[B]

I agree. I think it is. Some people like the stool, some people like the stool, but I could never. I couldn't even.

[A]

Some people love the stool, Some people.

[B]

Love the stool, but I. I couldn't. I couldn't imagine sitting like that.

[C]

You know, it also seems so arrogant when a comic sits down. Like, it can play.

[B]

It can play.

[C]

Well, if you lectured a few young comics, I'm going, what are you doing?

[B]

Get your ass.

[C]

What do you do? Talk about jerking off and you're sitting.

[B]

If true. If you're a fat black guy, for some reason, it's just like, it kind of works, right? Sit on the stool. You also have a towel.

[C]

Patrice waited 20 years before he sat on the stool.

[B]

True, true. It is a pretty nuts move.

[A]

Are you telling me to stand up?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No, we just. Dude, that was just. You're just being. Dude, you're being.

[C]

Yeah, that seemed like we were just projecting on him. No, Lamar, you were these fat black guys always sitting.

[B]

You're doing a good service for us right now because we usually have a third podium, but we already established all. Everything, and I'm like, lamar, it killed him. He wanted to be standing with us.

[C]

Well, also, what do you think about these becoming a part of standup comedy? I mean, you might introduce that.

[B]

How nice would this be? It's clear. You can still see what's going on. You can have all your stuff. I like. I'll throw a laptop under here. Sometimes I just access all my stuff.

[A]

And think about how poignant it would be to walk out in front of the podium now. It'd be like, very important.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[C]

Oh, yeah. You're like, I have something to say, you know, with your.

[B]

You know, they can still see you. I can be like. And then, yeah, my wife and they can see.

[C]

I never know what to do with my other hands. I know that's a Will Ferrell thing, like, what do I do with my hands? But have you noticed, like, even your boy, it's very. It's like he's always on. Like, I do it behind my back. That I hate. I hate that I do that.

[B]

Like, you're a magician.

[C]

I hate that I do that. I'll sleep in this myself. Like, I fucking suck. Why am I doing this? I've been doing this long enough. I should know what to do with this hand.

[B]

Yeah, I do. I. For a while. I stopped doing standup for a while, and I came back and I noticed I was. I was aping the double hand signature. So then I used to have, like, a power, like, PC Principle. Just one hand right here, one hand by. And I've gotten back to that where one hand's by my side and I just kind of move around with this hand.

[C]

Yeah. I hate the pocket. I. I did it recently. I think I did it on Sunday. And I go, what am I doing? Immediately took it out. Rogan holds the mic. Hate it. I think Rogan holds the mic the worst. Like a snow cone.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You go, what are we doing?

[B]

The bottom.

[C]

The very bottom. Like, on the actual cable.

[B]

I'm scared to touch that part of the microphone.

[C]

I know.

[B]

That's the connection. Yep. I choke up right around, I guess it's called the head of the microphone.

[C]

Oh, you do the head?

[B]

The glands. Yeah.

[C]

She's like a hip hop artist. You go, what are you doing?

[B]

No, I just hold it right in the middle, dude. Right grip. And I just keep it right here. And I talk the entire time.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I've tried to do, like, Mike in the mic stand kind of talking.

[C]

Oh, that's tough, too. I started fucking with the stand, and then I. Yeah, it's like I do the two. I've done the two hands most of my career. I think Gillis is ruining it for us because now everyone. Now everyone goes, oh, he's doing Gillis. He goes, I'm just holding the fucking mic. I don't know what to do with this other hand.

[B]

Two. Two hands. When I'm, like, really dying. If I feel like I'm dying on stage, I'll throw that other hand on the mic. Just kind of like, come on, guys. But, yeah, I. Dude, so you didn't. You did a bunch of. You were with the campaign with Trump. What was it? What was that like, talking? How. How many people were there?

[A]

Wait, firstly, congratulations.

[C]

I've never felt better. I've Never felt better.

[A]

True.

[C]

Man, you're like so many things I could talk about on this. I wasn't with Trump himself as far as those are like the actual presidential campaign, but there's all these other organizations that do things to campaign.

[B]

Got you.

[C]

You won't believe the group I was with.

[B]

Well, I'd be curious to learn about them.

[C]

They're called Log Cabin Gay Republicans. Whoa. Did you know that was a thing.

[B]

You're getting gay Republicans fired up?

[C]

Oh, dude, it was.

[B]

They knew what they were doing, too. You're a handsome tall man.

[C]

I was like, Gay Republicans. That's a thing. We're growing, you know.

[A]

Damn, dude. Gay Republicans. And they used to hate black people. They're new. Black people are new to Republican Party.

[C]

I don't know if you know that. Abraham Lincoln was a Republican.

[B]

Yeah, but then for a while there.

[C]

I don't know if you know. I don't know if you know about his work. What is this idea that.

[B]

Forget about all of our grandparents, dude. Abraham Lincoln was Republican.

[C]

Slavery had nothing to do with racism.

[B]

It's free work.

[C]

It's a leverage of power. That's all it is. Money. You go, wait, now I have to pay these fuckers. Look at Amazon right now. They just got a bunch.

[B]

Okay, I mean, I hear your logic, but I do think when you go, those guys are all the slaves. It's kind of racist.

[C]

That was like a poverty thing. Guess who sold us the slaves. Black people. Rich black people.

[A]

Come on, Jeff. I agree with you. Slavery is the perfect way to build an economy. Yes.

[B]

But, you know, it's still terrible.

[C]

We agreed it's bad and got rid of it. It's sad. When are we going to let these Chinese ones that we got. When we let these Chinese children slaves go?

[B]

There are. There are a lot of.

[C]

One thing at a time, you know? True.

[B]

Do we. There is still. There are still a lot of slaves in the world. Don't you know, Like I said, if you're out, if you're, you know, if you're getting upset, there's no slave. There's a lot of slavery.

[C]

I love that LeBron, like, LeBron James is like the civil rights. He's reading Malcolm X upside down and he's acting like he cares about slavery while he's dripping in Nike.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You're wearing the slave clothes.

[B]

But Third World countries, it's not slavery. It's just. There's just not enough money. So everyone's a slave by default?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Like, they would pay.

[C]

They'll take the job they're like 5 cents a day, please.

[B]

There's just no money, so it's like they're just slaves by default. Although some of them are probably honestly slaves. If you're like a factory guy in the third world, you could probably have like a head stash of slaves. And it's like, you'll go in there with my paid workers, dude.

[A]

Yeah, a lot.

[B]

There's still a lot of slaves.

[C]

Sex slaves. Yeah. Like, we have. We have sex trafficking in our own country. Like, those are slaves. And that's just a leverage of power. I mean, it's sad, you know, it's. Yeah, we all agree slavery is bad, but when people try to pretend like it only happens to black people, I'm like, grow up. Read some things.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. They just. They're the hot potato. They got caught with hot potato.

[C]

They're like the cool slaves.

[B]

Yeah, they got caught last. For real. That's like. That's like. Yeah, it is totally.

[C]

Native Americans had slaves. Like, Like. Like India, like, every place. You. I dare you to find me a place that didn't have slaves in the whole world.

[B]

It was a global institution.

[C]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

That was.

[C]

We had for less than 100 years and got rid of it.

[B]

It was ended by the British. Yeah, we tried it on. We said.

[C]

We said. This feels icky. I'm claiming I'm Christian.

[A]

Wait, you said ended by the British.

[B]

Yes, it was.

[A]

It wasn't ended by the British.

[B]

Who ended it? Who ended slavery? Who chased other ships down? Slay Who? Who?

[A]

Or Abe, dude, our boy.

[B]

No, the British. For real. Like, they went at to war.

[A]

Weren't they the guys just like, they were like, all right, we colonized the world. Now let's save it.

[C]

Well, colonization. Yeah, like, that's a tricky one too. I can't believe we'll get into all this.

[B]

True.

[A]

It's the podiums.

[C]

Podium.

[B]

It is the podiums. But yeah, it was. I. I swear to God. The British, like, like, Mexico stopped slavery, but they didn't, like, get ships and, like, chase slave ships around the ocean. Like Britain, like, persecuted any. But I also think it could have been like, slaves. You can't have them because they didn't want anyone getting the.

[C]

There also might not be anything more diverse than slavery.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

What's every land? It's every person.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's a leverage of power.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Hardly racial at all.

[B]

Yeah, definitely. Yeah. It's crazy to be like. It wasn't.

[A]

Wait until the Republic starts saying leverage of power next year.

[C]

Yeah. I start a whole thing. What I will say is, working for the Log cabin guys, it breaks my liberal friends. Brains.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

Cause I'm like, oh, I'm working with log cabins. Like, what's that? I'm like, Gabriel Republicans. And they're like, but gay is good, but Republican bad. Like, they can't get their mind around it.

[B]

Why are they called the Log Cabin?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Lincoln.

[B]

Lincoln Logs, maybe. Lincoln Logs or a bunch of dicks in a cabin. Log Cabin.

[C]

They're the greatest group of dudes ever. They have best sense of humor. And like, I think they're also new Republicans. You know, they're like, sick of this new.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So they're just like gay guys all about the paper.

[C]

No, they're like the bread. They're all just like, tired of trans people be considered the same community as theirs.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, that's annoying.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

That seems like. That seems minuscule.

[C]

What do you think?

[A]

They're.

[B]

They're gay Luddites.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

New fangled technology.

[C]

No, no, they're saying, like, why is this guy pretending like he's with us?

[B]

I think they're just conservative gig.

[C]

Like we're lgbq. That's kind of it. We're not. What's this new tea thing? Why is T here? Yeah, why is T here? What's going on?

[B]

Yeah, true. I mean, you know, to be fair, they're losing dudes becoming women. They're probably like, as a gay block. This is not.

[C]

All right. Yeah.

[B]

Our numbers are dwindling right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it is. It is kind of like, you know, I could see that if you're like an old gay guy, you can get a total revamp.

[A]

Yeah. You know, well, if you get a sex change, you become straight again. That's the rules.

[B]

Those are kind of.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. They go, now I'm a straight go.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This is confusing.

[B]

Yeah. You gotta take the Log cabin and be like boys.

[C]

I think the trans things really smart. Like, if you're trying to, like, you know, the whole dead name rule.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, it's not like if you become a woman. And I go, I fucking loved my hung out with him in Austin.

[B]

You better not.

[C]

They would go, hey, don't.

[B]

You better not.

[C]

Don't you dead name me. Right. That's the rules. Yeah, yeah. But like, you know, Caitlyn Jenner, like, did some, you know, some crimes.

[B]

You know, we talk about the car.

[C]

Car thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But like, in court, they could be like, Mr. Jenner and be like, that was Bruce, baby. That wasn't me. Don't dead name me.

[B]

I think once you go to court, they're like, all right, time out. Let's go to court.

[C]

They can do that. Yeah.

[B]

They go time out. And then they can just totally just hit you with, you know, they can.

[C]

Call you time out. I like that.

[B]

Or that. Yeah. They could be like, can I do time out? I love this. You need an official position.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Can I do challenge flags? Like, challenge flag. Can we. Can we go to someone that can call timeout potentially? I like that.

[B]

You could do whatever you want right now.

[C]

We should adopt time out and podiums. You're really going to change the world.

[B]

I'm telling you, dude, this is my world.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So how. So how was. What was the experience? You did, like, a bunch of just like. So there's like, Trump is like. It's like almost like a mega church. Like, Trump is the main pastor, but a lot of them have satellite churches.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So you were just ripping at all these things and you did all.

[C]

I did comedy and just told them what I think about why they should. What, vote for Donald Trump. Yeah, it was awesome.

[B]

And then at what. At what point did they stuff dollar bills in your pants?

[C]

Oh, yeah, at the end, like, we're all doing poppers upstairs. I'm like, what the hell?

[B]

But no, it is.

[C]

It is like jalapeno poppers.

[B]

Well, dude, the conservative flag has wildly extended now, where it's like, now it's. They really don't care what you're up to. If you just at least are like, yeah, we agree with you. They're like, it.

[C]

That's why it's great. I'm a 2001 liberal, which is just now Republican.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty much.

[C]

Yeah, that's all it is.

[B]

Oh, so you did a damn exit.

[C]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[B]

So where? Why? Okay, so in 2001, I didn't change.

[C]

Any of my views, and he just became overpowered. But, like, now, like, I seem like a crazy person. I was like, I didn't change anything. You guys changed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, you catch.

[B]

Did you get your flack for that because you live in la, right?

[C]

Yeah, I get a lot of flack for it, but I also. I didn't get much flack. People were just like, that's how Jeff thinks. Until I endorsed Trump. That's what was. Was over the line for them. Yeah, they were fine with me being Republican conservative, Jeff. They weren't fine with me Being pro Trump.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I feel like girls don't really care, though.

[C]

All the girls are, like, closetly obsessed with it. They, like, message me. They, like, they'll, like, secretly message me, like, hey, just so you know, I think this is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of tight. What are you saying, Lamar?

[A]

White girls love Trump. And Latiners. Yeah, and Latinas And Latiners and white girls love Trump.

[B]

A lot of people are kind of coming around to him, dude, the best. Even on cnn, I've noticed, they'll be like, oh, God, the best. This is the.

[A]

He won already. He's not wwe. I agree, dude, but that's not a guy. The only guy in the WWE hall of fame I want to be my president is Vince McMahon. Okay. This man will be the best person.

[C]

See, that's.

[B]

You guys love wrestling. You guys love wrestling.

[C]

Yeah, it's our thing.

[B]

That's where you guys are.

[C]

Thing together.

[B]

Yeah, you guys love wrestling.

[C]

Because I know I look like this, but then people go, oh, he likes wrestling. He's actually a fucking.

[A]

Yeah, makes sense. On a pub thing. Now he's just bigger.

[C]

No, I love. I love. I. I think it's also one of the newest things that's happened to me is like. Like, there's a comedy, like, finesse Mitchell and, you know, great guy. I thought we were friends. And I was at the laughter. He's like, you've gotten real political lately. I was like, what? He's like, you really, like, people keep accusing me of, like, oh, you've really chosen, Elaine. Oh, you've really.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You're pandering. It's like, no, this is what I think.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Why. Why does it have to be pandering?

[B]

Yeah, that's a fair point. Because a lot of people, a lot of comedians were like, you know, hitting themselves with all kinds of, like, all the Facebook trends or, you know, Instagram of like, I'm gonna put my Prof. Profile this, that, and this. Everyone was doing shit.

[C]

But, yeah, I did comedy in Seattle, Washington. That's where I'm from. And every show, every open mic, every showcase was like, Jesus sucks. Anti religion. Fuck George W. Bush. You know, abortion this, abortion that. I didn't once go, wow, you guys are really leaning into this whole Democrat bullshit. I didn't want to accuse them of grifting or anything, but then I say a thing and they go, oh, look, he's trying to get that Republican coin. It's like, no, no, these are just how I feel.

[B]

My thing, too, is like, dude, it's also I'm in a. Just look at it like a small business owner. It's like, bro, I run a small business. I'll go get whoever's fucking money I want to. Like, you're going to be like, you're really making that money. It's like, yeah, okay, dude.

[A]

Yeah, good. You're on SNL for.

[C]

But in my mind, it's like, we're going to make the money either way. Yeah, right. But, but I think it's, the accusation is insane to me, you know, like when I was like, saying nice things about Barack Obama, all I got was little pats on the bottom. Like, good job, Jeff. Good job, Jeff.

[B]

You were then kind of, that was.

[C]

Like the accepted view of the space, pandering to them. But now that I'm endorsing a guy that's like, like, doesn't think we should cut our kids dicks off, like, everyone thinks I'm nuts.

[B]

Yeah, that's. Apparently that's coming to an end.

[A]

Or prisoners.

[B]

We could have a couple of those guys down a little bit.

[C]

Don't hack them the way they, like.

[B]

Cut them in half. Yeah, I, Dude, I think it is kind of, I don't know, I feel like, I just feel like, I don't know, you shouldn't really worry too much about anyone else is doing the job if you get paid for it. God bless you. This is awesome. You know, make your money. You know, people are like, just fucking bullshit. I, I, you know, but you're right, though, because everyone was like, wildly political, being like, fuck this, fuck that. The whole late night itself was just, every show was like, fucking. Yeah.

[C]

You're only allowed to be political if you're left.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And like, then if you're a little bit right, you better be real, you know, you better be careful over there. And you're like, why? I'm just going to say what I think. We're comics. Who gives a shit?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm all about getting that bread anyway. Dude, you're paying her. It's like, bro, I'm getting that bread.

[C]

Well, like, I'm not getting the bread from it. Like, I go, when I do Greg Gutfeld on Fox News, I get zero dollars. They pay me nothing. They put me up in a hotel.

[B]

Does it change the ticket sales, though? You tell me. You're telling me the biggest show. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, it gets people to come to my show. Yeah, for sure. So I guess there is a way to make money of that on that back end.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. And that does it. Change the Demo. Are you getting, like, you getting Yeezys up there?

[C]

I get some old. Well, that's. Yeah, dude.

[B]

Fuck it, dude. That's the point.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

And also, like, King of Late Night. Gutfeld's the king of late night, by.

[C]

The way, when I used to.

[A]

Gas money, though.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

He can't give gas money, though. Gutfeld knows he's the king.

[C]

He's putting King of Late Night free.

[A]

Give me gas money.

[B]

Bro, that is fucked up. They don't give you a dollar. That's crazy. SNL pays, like, $5,000.

[C]

Well, like, podcasts are free.

[B]

True.

[C]

Yeah. Joe Rogan's the biggest show in the world. I've never been paid to be on Joe Rogan. Yeah, but it's worth it. I want to be honest.

[B]

Yeah. But hey, Joe and all. You think I get 2500 bucks when Joe.

[C]

That'd be amazing.

[B]

Hey, Joe, my time's kind of valuable. Valuable? Man, I wouldn't mind to get a little siphoning. You matter. You make a lot of money. Just send a Venmo request.

[C]

Just be like, hey, man, I did your whole show. That was a few hours.

[B]

I'll need a million dollars. But no. Yeah. Nobody. That makes perfect sense.

[C]

Yeah. It's just worth it. You do the things you want to do. Yeah. Yeah. When Joe replies to a text for me, I'm like, holy. Like, it's like, what? Like, if we had phones when we were in. Have you considered, like, Amber Shoemaker replied, there's a girl? I literally am like that. When Joe replies, like, holy. Yeah.

[B]

He holds a really unique position. And just like, especially. I would. I would say popular consciousness, but for dudes in general, a lot of dudes. I've talked to other people about this. People have, like, a part of your brain that, like, while you're showering, like, it just goes into a mode where it's like, well, Joe, let me tell you about this. And you start, like, practicing what you.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Joe Rogan, everything. So if he texts you, you're like.

[C]

Well, because he's so cool, too. Like, I've never, like, I. I don't.

[B]

Know how many people that are cool. Apollo descending upon you, and you're like, holy, dude.

[A]

More like Xerxes.

[B]

You think Xerxes?

[C]

That's why Austin's got a little too comfy with Joe. They'll be up in that green room. And I'm like, are you guys not. Joe Rogan's here. Tighten up.

[B]

I still get kind of for real. I do. I get a little shuttered he's awesome.

[C]

Yeah. It makes me happy.

[B]

He's getting more. Every time I think I've gotten a little jacked, I see him, like, a month later.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's turning it back to that actual thing from.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

He's turning it to the thing from Fantastic Four. Just a man made of bricks.

[C]

You touch him, go in the hell.

[B]

But it is. He is a For sure. Like, an absolute power broker. And it's like. It is tough to, like. Yeah. Not let that sway your interaction because.

[C]

You'Re like, did you play sports grown up?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Do you remember beyond, like, rugby? Oh, real sports. Fuck. That wasn't for basketball. That was for rugby. No, like, on my baseball team, like, there'd be, like, an older boy, you know? Like, you know, and then they'd be, like, a cool older guy. Like, that's how I feel when I see Joe. Like, if I say something stupid, my fuck. Dude just said a stupid thing. Yeah, Like. Like we was showing me his compound, you know, and he was like, this is the cold plunge. And then this is the. And he's like. And this is where I sh. My arrows or whatever the it was. And so then I. I was like. I was like, oh, cool. And I. I said something stupid about the elk or whatever that was up there. And he looked at me like. Like it was a question he'd never heard before. And then I was just like. I beat myself up about it for, like, the next two minutes. Like, don't ask stupid about the arrows.

[B]

Yeah, I actually, I. I saw the archery range. I sat in front of the bullseye and let him shoot an apple off my head.

[C]

That's a man.

[B]

No, I didn't do that. Be sick.

[C]

I was like, you didn't film that.

[A]

I'd only have stupid questions for Joe Rogan. Like, I don' lemaire.

[B]

You had some. You're cooking with a lot of them, man. And they're good. I think they're good, though. Every now and again. Just dumb questions.

[C]

What would be the first question you asked Joe Rogan?

[A]

What would be.

[C]

It was like, hey, yeah, he said you'd ask. You had a lot of dumb ones. What's. What would be like, thanks for having me.

[A]

May I have a job? No.

[C]

Yeah. He'd be like, oh, yeah. No. All right. What. What did.

[B]

What did you ask? What did you ask those NFL players at one time?

[A]

Oh, I can't remember. I think it was Stefan Diggs, and I Some, because I didn't realize they're younger than me.

[B]

I was 30 and they're kind of weird. It is kind of weird.

[C]

That's a crippling feeling.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sucks.

[A]

I just. I was like, what do you watch on YouTube?

[C]

That's a good question, actually.

[A]

That's a good question.

[C]

Do you think they were honest?

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I also said, outside of being black, what else do you think we have in common? That was the first question. It's good.

[B]

Icebreaker.

[C]

That's funny.

[B]

That's usually my go to.

[C]

Besides being black, what do we. That's interesting. Yeah. The. The athletes being our age, I always wondered if it was because I think there's nothing cooler to me than a baseball player.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or like. Like, like the idea of Griffey look to me is like, that's God.

[B]

Like.

[C]

Yeah, it went Griffey, then God, then my dad. Like, it was Griffey's number one.

[B]

So you're a big baseball guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What did you. Did you play.

[C]

What'd you play?

[B]

Baseball until high school. Yeah. Sick.

[C]

Yeah. I wasn't great. What was your.

[B]

What was your position? High school baseball is pretty serious.

[C]

Short Stop. Yeah, I played Short Stop.

[B]

That's awesome.

[C]

Yeah, it's fun. But, like, when you. When you go. They're going to be young now.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And jacked. There's, like, people a decade younger than me that could just beat the fuck out of. It's kind of shitty.

[C]

What? I have a gun.

[B]

True. Yeah.

[C]

I would fuck Aaron Judge up with my gun, dude.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

But it's like. Yeah, but still, if you hesitate for one second, if he closes.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

If he closes, I'd get him while he was sleeping. Like, McNair, start proactively killing all the young athletes.

[C]

One thing's cool about being older than them, though, is, you know, at least if you're. If. If you're in our world of comedy, comedy's kind of become cool now, which was not the case for a long time. You can just DM them and they'll be like, holy, dude. Like, I love your stuff. And they'll, like, give you. Like, that's a better part about being older than them, for sure. It's like, now I'm not the boy asking for the autograph. I'm. They think I'm cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Which is. That's a nice switch.

[B]

What's up, kid? Yeah. Where you at? You awake? I'm gonna come through. Where the hell you at? Yeah, it is nice, though.

[A]

It's.

[B]

I get blown away when people are like, hey. I'm like, what the fuck? Hey, what's going on, man.

[C]

I got a good J.D. martinez story. Do you know who that is? Still plays? I think he's one of the most. I think at this point he's probably with one of the older guys in baseball. No, he played for the Boston Red Sox. I think he's on the Dodgers.

[B]

So he's been playing for a long time.

[C]

Handsome guy, really, really good looking guy. And he's.

[B]

Baseball players are sleepers, bro. A lot of baseball players are pretty hand a lot of hunks out there on the baseball field.

[C]

He's a good looking fella. And so this girl goes, you're going to Boston? So yeah, I'm playing this comedy club. She goes, you want to go to Fenway? I was like, I love Fenway. I love. It's hard to get tickets, but I've been before. But I'll take you up on that. She worked at William Morris and so she was like, she's like, I get left me tickets. I go to the box office. I do the whole thing. When I sit in the seats, they're. They're good seats. And then it says at the top, $0 comped, you know, and then it said JD Martinez. I was like, I wonder if that's like related. Yeah, that's weird. So then I DM JD Martinez on Instagram while we're sitting there. I go, hey, dude, thanks for the tickets. This is rad. You know, I've been a fan of you for a long time or whatever. And I just showed a photo of thing. I don't remember what he said, but it was something nice and flattering about my comedy. And then he was like, hang out after the game. I'll come say what's up.

[B]

He was texting you during the game?

[C]

It was before.

[B]

Oh, crazy. He just got off. Let me check my Instagram.

[C]

I'm like an eight year old. I'll get to the game two hours early, have 75 beers after. So then after the game I'm like, this is pretty cool. And we're just hanging out with all these skanks. It's like me, my friend Maddie Chimber, who's a comic, and then just a bunch of girls who are like banging the players or whatever and they're trying to get everyone out of there. I'm like, I got a DM to stay. So then you're at the front of the nets and it's funny.

[B]

Some guy with a clipboard is like, who's this guy? Why is he fucking this guy?

[C]

It's more like that In NBA games. After the NBA games, there's tons of horse. Like, it's amazing.

[B]

It's kind of a cool life, though, to be like a professional sports groupie and just. Dude, it's kind of nice.

[C]

Yeah, you don't pay for anything, do anything.

[B]

There's lined up, like, Ubers at the airport.

[C]

Not a good shelf life, though.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. True, true, true.

[A]

There's a new one that just got. Wasn't Brittany Greiner. She got worn out by a bunch of NBA players and now she's poor and crying online. She's in her job.

[C]

Wait, this is. We've got to separate that. It isn't Brittany Grinder.

[A]

No, Brittany Reiner.

[C]

Okay. Holy shit. That would be breaking news. Famously lesbian, allegedly trans Britney Griner has been banging all these dudes.

[A]

She's just intercepted sex. No.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So wait.

[C]

No, but J.D. martinez, this is the end of the story. So we're at the Nets and he goes, you know, he's like, oh, man, it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. We're talking through the night and he's like. He's like, how do you know you don't use a fake name? How do you know Christine? And I was like, oh, she's the best, dude. Yeah, she just set me up with these. And then we kind of looked at.

[B]

Each other like, oh, we're both bros. You guys are Eskimo.

[C]

It was amazing. But he was cool that I was good. We're like, oh, my God. Like, it was because she is a cool chick. She's not trying to be our girlfriend. And for sure weren't.

[B]

You know, I love how you say our girlfriend.

[C]

She's not in her mind going, I'm with Jeff Dye or J.D. martinez. And we're not going, oh, she's our girlfriend. You know, it's just two grown ups, you know?

[B]

Do you think that was kind of a Machiavellian kind of ploy on her part to be like, I got you maybe introduced. Like a flex. Yeah. Like, bro, don't get comfortable, man.

[C]

Yeah, that is true.

[B]

I get. I'm getting exquisite pipe, dude.

[C]

Or trying to make us jealous of each other so we step up our commitment game, dude, who else do you think is on that list for this chick? Could be anybody.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[C]

She worked at William Morris and she was like an 11. Like, she was so beautiful.

[B]

Morris. What is that?

[C]

I think it's an agency.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Got you.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

So she. Oh, wow. Yeah.

[C]

For a second I thought it was like a law firm. I Was like, I think it's an agency.

[B]

I was thinking it's one of the big five accounting firms.

[A]

William Horse Endeavor.

[C]

It sounded like it.

[A]

They own WWE and ufc.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I knew they're big because they don't rep me.

[B]

Something good, you know, with the tickets.

[C]

Yeah, it was pretty cool. It was cool of him and cool her if the whole story is positive. But it was like a very funny, like, modern story, you know?

[B]

Yeah. That is kind of nuts to slowly be like, yeah.

[C]

It's like, it wasn't like some gross guy that I think sucks or something. It was just like, oh, J.D. martinez. And he's going. This comedian guy that I know, you know?

[B]

Were you wrapping it up? Not to ask too much details. Were you going raw dogging or like, I just want to know how close your guys's kinship is.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I don't. I don't wrap it up.

[B]

Okay, cool.

[C]

It's not my stuff.

[B]

I thought you about to say I don't go raw.

[C]

Yeah, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

The opposite.

[B]

So you guys are frill links. That's what's up.

[C]

Forever for life.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

You look like you wear exclusively red condoms.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Condoms are crazy, dude.

[C]

I can't do it.

[B]

Any adults who use them. I'm kind of, like, ridiculous. The fuck. I do think it is weird. We just started giving them to kids, like a. That was like, the early 90s. I, like, just looked into the condom program recently because I was trying to, like, get to the bottom of, like, just, like, where the party especially, like, the left just went, like, kind of, like, a little weird. And it's like, whatever. It was, like, apparently. To the aids, HIV thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was trying to figure out, like, where. When, like, at what point did, like, you know, go from, like, Bill Clinton to, like, it is now? And I didn't. I didn't. I can't answer that question. I just got distracted. On the school condom program, I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, that was.

[C]

Condom programs are strange.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Similar to the homeless thing where they're like, give them clean needles. I worked at this homeless shelter in Seattle. We would give them, like, clean needles to go do drugs with.

[B]

They'd hook them up, and I'm like.

[C]

And they were like, they're gonna find them anyway. So just guys like, I don't think this is a good idea.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Just providing them all, like, it seems strange.

[B]

Well, dude, apparently they said. I read a book about. It's called Chasing the Scream by. I forget the guy's name, but he. What he said worked is when you do not just the needles, but they have to go to a center and you also give them the clean tested heroin. And it takes away all of the other, like, thrilling aspects where it's like, I got to buy heroin, I got to do this. So you're like, you like, here's free heroin. It's, you know, it's almost a prescription. It's like such a little amount, you mass produce it. And then while they're doing it, you're like, so how's this working out for you? And it's like it takes away all like, the.

[C]

I've been around the neighborhood. It's not working.

[B]

Well, they don't. But they have.

[C]

The program sucks, dude. They have more homeless than ever.

[B]

They don't do. They don't do it here.

[C]

Oh, okay. They did it.

[B]

And I think London before and it actually curbed heroin use.

[C]

Oh, God, I wish they'd do it.

[B]

Giving just needles is kind of like.

[C]

It's like lazy.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, it's whatever. But it's like if you. If you legalize a heroin, it takes away from the black market sales.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then you have them in a center and he's like, they've done studies that. That works to reduce the number of A, overdoses by far. And B, people just.

[C]

They stop because, dude, I'm so insensitive about the homeless situation. You get like, I used to be like, I worked at a homeless shelter. Like, I care. And then like, after 7,000 interactions with homeless people a day in Los Angeles.

[B]

You just lose all your sympathy for Never do it. I knew somebody who was working with homeless people, and I was like, how that would be. Because there's no. It'd be like, you know, the progress would be few and far between.

[C]

It's exhausting. Like, you see, like. Like, I think when I make fun of the homeless on the Internet or like in my active around these towns, they're picturing some lovable boxcar hobo with like a bindle stick and. And, you know, they think that that's what I'm. They go, leave them alone, Jeff. No, it is. Go to la. Go to downtown LA for just a morning walk around. You'll go, oh, I get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

These people is a lot.

[B]

Yeah. Nobody.

[C]

They need to die for sure.

[B]

Yeah, it's. Well, it's one of those things you, like, nobody is like, oh, sweet. You see it and you're like, oh, it's. Dude, this is such a bummer.

[A]

There's no way to, like, differentiate either between, like, the people who are choosing to be there.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Who have to be there. And then, like, the people not have to, but, like. And the people who, like, are, like, crazy.

[C]

There's no ill or the drug addicted or. Yeah.

[A]

One big circle of people.

[B]

Yeah. At a certain point, it doesn't matter. You know what I mean? No one's sifting through them. Like, I'll take those guys for today for work, man. You're just going.

[C]

You're seeing.

[B]

You're like. There are people I've seen who are hanging. They're, like, homeless adjacent. Where I'm like, you're definitely not homeless, but these are, like, kind of your bros, and you're slowly, I think, becoming homeless.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So there is, like, a pajama pants face everyone goes through where you're kind of, like, just leaving your house and hanging with homeless people before you get totally sucked into it.

[A]

What's the show me your friends saying. What? You know, something about, like, if.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

You are the five people you hang around.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I hate that saying because then it just makes my loser friends get nervous. You know, Jeff's gonn leave us soon.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I want to let him know. I won't. I love you boys. I got your back.

[B]

Yeah, I do. That is kind of a weird rule. Be like, you are the five people you hang out with the most. No, I'm not. What the you talking about?

[C]

Yeah, we got to tell my buddy Aaron, like, you're out, dude.

[B]

Yeah. Hang. Why else do I hang around?

[C]

Not succeeding in the room, bro.

[B]

Hang around two toddlers constantly. That's.

[C]

You are the.

[B]

Yeah, they do kind of open up your eyes to some sweet, though.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We found our, like, sprinkler system went off and made, like, a little river. And we got to, like. Like, I just watched them play in that thing. I'm like, this is kind of cool.

[C]

Yeah, Kids are good that way.

[B]

They're kind of cool. Like. Yeah, she's like. The water's like, it was going to, like, a crack in the sidewalk, and she was just like, this is a river.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not a river. But I'm like, I can see why you're kind of.

[C]

But you wouldn't have cared at all about that. Like, the wonderment of a child is like that. Because I used to go to Disneyland drunk all the time with all my buddies, and it rules. It rules. Dude, you're strong. Recommend. It is. But then my buddy once goes, oh, my family, my nieces and nephews, they want to go to Disneyland. I was going to take them. Do you want to come with us? So I just kind of, like, came with them. Totally different experience.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[C]

And it was awesome. I was like, oh, my God. Like, you know, like, tease the kids and, like, make jokes, and they think I'm cool because I'm an older guy or whatever. Like, I was like, oh, this is, like, a really wholesome version of what I've been doing. Yeah, it's better.

[B]

So when you get hammered at Disneyland, are you, like. Are you trying to, like, pick up babes or, like.

[C]

No, I just having a good time.

[B]

Just chilling. Okay.

[C]

I'm curious what's kind of exciting to sneak the booze in, you know?

[B]

Don't they serve it in there?

[C]

Well, no, you have to go to, like, California Adventure or go to this one club that's called Club 33 that you have to be like, the pope to get into, so. I'm not. I'm not getting into Club 33.

[B]

Damn. Disney World. They let it fly. You can get really hammered at Disney World.

[C]

It's great.

[B]

It's in Florida.

[C]

Yeah, that's great.

[B]

Disney World. Alcohol is abundant. You can just get faced. Disneyland doesn't go to dinner, and you can just. I didn't know that.

[C]

It's part of the rebellion.

[B]

True.

[C]

Sneaking it in West Coast.

[B]

That's how the. Did you get it in?

[C]

Well, we would, like, take these, like, plastic flasks that would, you know, whatever got you or the word. The way that doesn't work. Don't do this. We took, like, half Gatorade.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, just dumped out half and then filled the rest with, like, vodka or tequila.

[B]

For sure.

[C]

They've seen that a million times, I guess, because they. They've caught us before we even got to, like, the thing. They're like, that's alcohol.

[B]

We're like, yeah, yeah. Dude. I will say having Bringing little kids to Disney World is one of the most tiring.

[C]

For sure.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

They, like, there. It's like an Internet joke of, like, training for Disney World with kids because, like, you have to, like, carry them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You will end up walking, like, six miles or just getting blazed in the sun.

[C]

But there's no fat people at Disney.

[B]

Dude, you should have Disney World. There are plenty of.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Not at our Disney.

[B]

Disneyland.

[C]

You're just gonna walk for eight hours.

[B]

Disneyland's beautiful. And it's in California, too. But, like, you hit Disney World in Florida, there are fats, bro.

[C]

Sounds like it's right up my alley then.

[B]

Many fats.

[C]

Fat people. You can be hammered there, chair. Yeah.

[B]

You mean hammered. You can be as fat as you want. Yeah. You cannot move a muscle all day. You can get hammered on a mobility chair.

[C]

Oh, I didn't think about the mobility chairs.

[B]

You ride it. You can ride your mobility chair right to a little boat, and it ferries you across into the under, like, literally the Magic Kingdom.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. There was plenty of fats walking around. Yeah, I was actually there's. As I was. I wanted to ask, like, because some of the rides, I'm like, dude, if you're, like, too big to fit on this, like, what the do they do? And like, how do you. Because there's. You could be waiting for like an hour.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

To get there and be like, also.

[C]

By the way, it's amazing you brought this up. Get rid of these in front of everyone. Practice seats where they bring a big person over. They go, you fatso. Hey, come here. We sit in this to make sure you're gonna. They treat them like luggage at the airport.

[B]

When do they go?

[C]

Give them, like, a practice chair where they'll put the thing in. And if the person doesn't fit in it, that means they won't make it on the ride. So that they don't want them to have to wait in the line or get disappointed when they get to the front. So they have, like, this kind of, like, example chair. Like, you know, kind of like the. Are you tall enough? But they do it with an actual chair.

[B]

Are you too fat for this?

[C]

I saw this young man in there, and I was mortified for him because they were, like, trying to pull the thing down. And these, like, you know, teenagers that work there, like, yeah, I think you're too big. And I was just going, holy. Why didn't they make the seats bigger for the Harry Potter ride? A lot of fat people love Harry Potter. I couldn't believe how well they.

[B]

They. They have.

[A]

Did he try to suck in and did they push? Was that the sucking and.

[C]

Oh, he was doing everything. And he was also mortified because we're just all waiting in line going, like, that fat kid over there, he can't ride.

[B]

He's too fat.

[C]

Also, aren't there fat characters in Harry Pot Potter like that?

[B]

Yeah, they should. If you're too fat for the. If you're a kid, you're too fat for the ride. They should just make you, like, go get a job. You gotta, like, leave school, you're done school, you're Not a child anymore. You should, like, join the army. They should be like, all right, you're in the army now.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Haggard wouldn't even be able to ride the ride his own ride, dude.

[B]

They got to do something, man. You know, they gotta. They gotta cut it somewhere. It's like, dude, I. I fly every now and again, I'll fly southwest if I can't get a direct flight and I try to pay the extra so I can get in that first seat so I can sit in the very.

[C]

Front, you know, Matt's doing well. He's like, I used to fly south. I'll fly southwest.

[B]

Sometimes I will.

[C]

I know, but, like, the fact that you framed it like that. I love you, dude.

[B]

Sometimes I will.

[C]

He's like, all the time. I don't like to admit this. Sometimes I'm on southwest.

[B]

I do. I'm a man of means. It is weird that I'm every now and again flying, but if you get that front seat, it's so good.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm like, all right. I pay the extra buck so I can be, you know, a one through three.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

I want to get the front seat. And then, like, every now and again, I'll, like, be watching my guy. You're in a wheelchair, obviously. Like, I'm not saying anything. Then it'll just be like, a fat guy will get ahead of me. I know on medical pre board, and I just want to be like, dude.

[C]

It drives me crazy.

[B]

There's nothing wrong with you, dude. You're just fat. You better not take that front seat. And I know you will because you're fat and you'll definitely want the extra space. Yeah, they fuck me out of the front seat, I'm always like, motherfucker.

[C]

Also, you're being very conservative, saying that it's like a fat guy, and then like a guy in a wheelchair, they'll say, does anyone need any extra time boarding? That's a very vague question.

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of.

[C]

Now it's just two parents with, like, three kids. You got a. You know a guy that's got, like a lamp or something, and there's like a deaf lady. You're like, she's. All these handicapped people are always going, we're just like everyone else. We can do anything you. You can do. Then what's with the special treatment, early boarding?

[B]

Dude, if. Here's the thing. If you have a family, I can see that you got to. You have strollers, all this. If you're in a wheelchair, whatever you got to do, go down There. If you're like an old person with a cane for sure. Every now and again I'll just see like. And I'm not trying to be a dick. It'll just be a fat loser.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Just be like a guy who's like standing there in a monster energy shirt. I'm like, bro, you get the out of here.

[C]

You also, don't worry about sounding like a dick. I'm going to better take it to a next level. All of them, you're just like us. You don't get to get on there early. Everyone's taking their time. You, you can go b56 just cuz your legs don't work. I have to let you board first.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Why does it matter?

[A]

I don't know. They're not like us though. Jeff. What them?

[B]

I know it's dude again. If you're. If you're made.

[C]

Oh, I'm missing an arm. I have to be on the plane before you.

[B]

Who gives a. Yeah, that.

[A]

Yeah, that's dope.

[B]

Why would you get like, I'll give all missing arms. You go right ahead. I'll give everyone that. There's just dudes who are just like medical pre board. I'm like, where, dude, show me your ailment.

[A]

Because you Call of duty.

[B]

Yeah, I got a three, dude. If I missed that front seat, I.

[C]

Want to just a big fat guy. Like I got the sugar. You're like, yeah, but that's a slow one. That takes a long time.

[B]

Yeah. I saw this guy recently and I was trying. I always try to figure out like, what's your medical condition? Unfortunately, it was like, damn, that guy's just such a loser.

[C]

When also have you seen this happen?

[B]

It sounds mean. It sounds mean. But he got a medical grade. The doctor was like, dude, you're losing, dude.

[C]

That's the diagnosis.

[B]

It's over for you. It's like, just get on the plane, man.

[C]

Have you ever had this happen? They do the pre board right? Or they'll do the thing. They need extra time, right? There's some sort of. They need more time on the airplane. They're really just hogging the overhead space and. But anyways, so they'll get on, but then they'll sit in the exit row. I'm sorry, I thought that you were some sort of handicapped person, but now you're going to assist in an emergency.

[B]

You're going to lead the charge. Yeah, true.

[C]

So that's. That's conflicting.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't even know they did that. That's because usually they Ask you like, are you okay? Oh, yeah. Southwest is.

[C]

They're trying to get that exit row.

[B]

Did you ever save a seat on Southwest for somebody when the plane comes on?

[C]

No, but recently yelled at a guy for doing it, and turns out he was telling the truth.

[B]

What was the truth?

[C]

I said, hey, guys, sit there. Because there was, like, very few seats left. I'm one of the last on the plane.

[B]

He's like, hell, no.

[C]

He goes, well, I'm. No. I said, hey, do you mind if I sit there? He goes, yes. Instead of just saying whatever. That kind of caught me off.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then he goes. I was like, okay. And he's like, I'm saving it for my wife. And then I was like, I'm the last on the plane. So I'm like, looking around like, this guy's full of. So I find, like, just another one because there's, like, four seats on the whole plane available. And I'm sitting there fuming. Like, this guy. Yeah, he was. His wife was like, in the bathroom or something. She came out and I was like, oh, he was right.

[B]

Yes. That is crazy. Not just to be like, yeah, my wife's in the bathroom.

[C]

He was kind of chippy.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. Yes. I didn't like that. Something kind of welled up in me.

[A]

Day to tell somebody that, oh, yeah, like, oh, I'm going to get some.

[C]

He chirped at me for sure.

[B]

I get. I get spazzed out when people hog up the overhead. When I just put it in, just walk. I'm kind of like, that's exactly where I'm sitting. You're taking up.

[C]

Drives me crazy.

[B]

That'll. That'll chat my ass. But, yeah. I've been trying to chill in Plains, though. I. You can. There's so many battles.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

With. With, like, lining up. It's like you try to line up. Someone comes from this way, or.

[C]

Yeah, you go. It's a line. I know there's some pretend to not understand lines.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or people just do the mass. Like, you'll get, like. It'll get people. And just be like, people hit the horizontal line. And then it'll just become a crowd. And then it's like, well, I don't want to be like, excuse me. And like, edging in.

[C]

And then if you know you're boarding group six, why are you in the way while people are trying to board? 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5.

[B]

Because you want to both. 6 is life or death. Because then you want to be. You want to be the very first person in Six. Because only one of you is going to get overhead space.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's where the battle comes in. But yeah, it just comes. Turns into a cluster.

[C]

They're like first class. And then literally there's people just standing there. Just wait and you. Can you move a little? Make a lane for the make a lady. Annoying. I think my biggest battle on airplanes is the flight attendants. That's who my battles with. They're mean.

[B]

They've gotten so mean, dude. What is that?

[C]

Why are you angry with us?

[B]

I don't know. They've gotten. I was on there recently and my wife, like, in the morning, on a morning flight, snapped her nail on accident, like, fucked it up. And she just asked. The lady was busy doing stuff. Hey, when you get a minute, can I get a band aid? Like, no rush, blah, blah, blah. And the lady's like, I'll have to go to the back. And she was like, whatever you need. Okay. Like, you know, like, take your time. No rush, you know, get the plane seated. We don't. This isn't like, bleeding or anything. And the lady was just like, heavy sigh, does her thing. And then after the plane was all seated, I was like, yo, can I get that band aid, please? Very nicely. Where the. Our band aid, dude? She literally went and then walked to the back to get the band aid. And I was like, whoa, dude, what was all that?

[C]

It makes no sense.

[B]

I've heard they don't get paid until the. The break gets released and the plane moves backwards.

[C]

Yeah, but I don't give a when they get paid.

[B]

I think that's terrible.

[C]

They suck.

[B]

Why don't they get paid?

[C]

They think they're plane police.

[B]

Yeah, some of them are nasty. Especially during COVID That drives me crazy. That was tough. That was annoying. Now. Now that, like, covet's not happening and they're not like, like, not letting you get that, like, breath of fresh air through your nose. I'm like, whatever. I'm putting it all behind.

[C]

Don't like yelling. I'll put, like, I'll check, you know, for the overhead space. I'll open the thing. And she's like, if it's closed, it means it's full. And I was like, I see people mindlessly close these things all the time.

[B]

That's not true. There's often a lot of space available.

[C]

Sometimes I'll put mine in and just close to see if it closes. I'll leave it closed. And there's two extra, you know.

[B]

Yeah, they don't need to do that. I don't understand. I guess they're, like, repeating the same scenario over and over, but they still don't have to. Like, I don't understand why, like, TSA does that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Be like, it's not. It's like, dude, you don't have to. I'm right here, right. Yell at me. I don't know the rules.

[C]

It's a change. Yeah. It's like a disease of, like, if it's obvious to you, you think everyone should know it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, it's like, not everyone flies every day.

[B]

True.

[C]

You know, some old lady's like, do I need to take my iPad out? And they're like, everybody. Electronics come out. You're like, why are you mad at her? She doesn't fly that off.

[B]

They do spaz. But I'm telling you, it's because they. When you're a flight attendant, you have to wake up and you're in, like, a queue. It's like, you. Yeah, you just have to wake up. Up. You're in a queue. I think you just stand at the airport till your number gets called, and then you go work.

[C]

It's like Uber.

[B]

Yeah. So you wake up and you're just, like, chilling, and then they're like, bam. I think if you have, like, seniority, they'll call you like, you know, you're going in. But there's a lot of them who are like, just like, I don't know if I'm gonna get to work today. Bam. They pull your number, and you're. You're, like, rushing to the flight. You're getting there. Got to do all this, and then it's. If it gets delayed at all, you're just standing there for 45 minutes on the Runway. And, like, if he doesn't, like, back up, as soon as a door closes and they release that break.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then your clock starts getting paid. That would piss me off if I was at work and then I had to do all that shit and I didn't get paid. Everyone who didn't sit down, I'd be like, will you sit the fuck down?

[C]

Yeah, but here's the thing, man. Here's the thing being criminals are difficult to deal with, but I won't tolerate a fucking grumpy, shitty bad cop. And kids are a lot. But that doesn't mean teachers get to be mean to the kids.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

And, yeah. Oh, it must be real hard to be a gay guy or a hot chick that's a flight attendant. But you still got to do the job.

[B]

True that. This is Very true. You're totally right. But in terms of hot chicks and gay guys, I guess it's got to be devastating to be a hot chick with annoy. An annoying job.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Has to suck.

[C]

Well, they don't understand it.

[B]

They shouldn't have.

[A]

They go, what is this best hot chick job? Because they can fly anywhere for free.

[B]

Yeah, but, dude, it ages a man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's so hot that they're in the sky, but it you up. If you fly that much, it's. It's going to drain your life force.

[A]

Oh, it's. Yeah. Because you're time traveling.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Pretty much. You're up high. It's with your blood circulation.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you definitely gassy.

[B]

You're just looking. They're just looking for a husband.

[A]

You definitely got to suck the pilots.

[C]

Do you guys fart a lot when you fly?

[B]

Well, no. Recently I made the switch. Yes. For the answer question.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. To the point now where, like, again, if I'm flying with my wife, she'll be like, did you just fart? I'm trying to have a conversation where I'm like, will you shut the.

[C]

Yeah, you just said that loud, honey. Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, even like, to me, I'm like, look, don't worry about that.

[C]

You grab her arm. The.

[B]

So now I take shits on the plane.

[C]

Oh, nice.

[B]

If I'm farting, I just go and I just take a dump on the plane. I think it's the right thing to.

[C]

Do because I'm not like a gassy guy.

[B]

Oh, I am.

[C]

But when I'm flying, you start to fart a lot of farts. And I'm like, so embarrassed. I'm doing the blow thing, like.

[B]

And a boner, it's. You have a boner. You're farting the entire time.

[C]

Yeah, a lot of boners and a lot of farting.

[B]

But if I catch myself, if I do more than like, you know, if I have like one or two farts, whatever. But if I catch myself, like, repeating it every, like, 10 minutes, and I'm like, I'll just get up and take a. And it like. Like, it's kind of harrowing to, like, go in there, sit down. There's like a lady on, like, the other side of the wall and just huffing and puffing over coffee cups. They're sitting there like.

[C]

It is weird next door. I like that little bathroom, though, on the airplane, dude.

[B]

I've gotten used to in them, and it's kind of. I kind of like them, honestly.

[C]

Cozy.

[B]

It's cozy. You're boxed in. You know what you're doing. You're just all business. You're in and out.

[C]

The pee is a little hard for me. I'm six five. So when I pee, the wall's going like this, you know, I gotta do like a strange limbo that's.

[B]

I can't imagine because I'm. I'm only like 5 10. I'm in a bath. I'm in those airplane bathrooms. I feel like Alice in Wonderland. My cousin. I have a lot of cousins who are your height, like six five, six, six. And I'm like, how the do they even.

[C]

I feel like Slender man. Because you know that the middle of the door is like a fold so that open. The door will open. My knees are right on that thing. And I'm like, oh, this will be.

[B]

Might be impossible for you. Might not be able to in there.

[C]

I've in there. But it's like. It'd be like my worst nightmare if that just pops open. If people waiting, they're like, I walk.

[B]

They don't talk. Somebody one time, they didn't lock the door. I walked in on a. A young, young lady who I believe had just gotten her period.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

And I walked in and she went. And I just slammed it shut. I had a flood attendant grilled me like, you pervert. And I had to be like, dude, I just opened the door.

[C]

Yeah, it's not my fault it's hot. I just.

[B]

So I just opened a door. And then she was like. She came to her senses and was like, yeah, actually, that's. It's kind of on her. And it was. It was a big deal, bro. She left a glob of toilet paper.

[C]

Oh, that's what.

[B]

I had to come out because I followed her up. And I come out and be like.

[C]

Someone'S got a tail.

[B]

That wasn't me, by the way. Yeah, like, yo, I didn't do that. There's a bit of a situation over there. And it was like a big deal. And like, another girl made a big stink about it. And like, dude, it was. I felt bad for little girl because another girl came out after me. It was like, ew. Someone got their period in the back. And I was just sitting there like, holy, dude, that sucks.

[A]

That's rude.

[B]

That was rude. But she was like, you got your.

[A]

Period in the bathroom?

[B]

Yeah, somebody's got her period in there.

[C]

And I was like, that'd be hilarious if they're like, matt had his period in there. I didn't do it.

[B]

I didn't. I could have been like a hammer. It could have been like a popped hemi. I didn't want to get like the. You're like, this guy just have like an open sore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just wanted to come out and be. By the way, I went to the ladies. Like, that was not me. I didn't.

[C]

What a legend. He made having a popped hemorrhoid sound cool. He was able to go pop a hemi, you know, made it sound rad.

[B]

You could. It's rad. Like, damn, that guy's got nasty hemorrhoids. Like, no, that was a young girl getting her period.

[C]

I just popped a hemi, dude.

[A]

I sleep on.

[B]

We popped hemis before. It's not good out.

[C]

I don't even know what a hemorrhoid is.

[A]

Well, butt cyst. Pilondial cyst.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's like a.

[C]

It's no walk in the park, I'm guessing.

[A]

It's not a walk in the park.

[B]

Imagine if a. A thing just, you know, your buttholes, you know, perfect little butthole. You got to poop out of it.

[C]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

It's clear. Everything's fine. Imagine if just something grew in front of that.

[C]

Is that what it is?

[B]

Yeah, well, that's. There's different types of henroid, but the thing. We both got the same one where it's just like. Just like some part of your.

[C]

Just balloons full of like a inflamed kind of thing. Like a nerve or something.

[A]

Tract. It's a sinus tract in your.

[B]

Yeah, sinus tract.

[C]

Is there a way to avoid this? Like, is there something you did that.

[B]

Don't push. Don't push too hard.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I was straining a little bit. And don't.

[A]

The.

[B]

The number one is don't sit on the toilet and around for a long period of time.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

Yeah. So I would sit there and.

[C]

Guilty of the first one, not guilty of the second one.

[B]

You're all. You pop right up.

[C]

Because I'm pushing so much. I'm like a little rabbit, man. You should. If I went. Took a. Right now, none of you would believe I took a.

[B]

You're quick.

[C]

You're zero chance digest, dude. But like, I'm.

[B]

I'm.

[C]

I'm in like a rabbit. I'm out. Really.

[B]

See, I like to read. I. I'll sit there and read a book. I'll read on my phone.

[C]

Oh, interesting. Well, you're a family guy. You're trying to get away from the one.

[B]

That's a big one too, man. The break for real is serious. Cuz it's like. And it's like, I. We both. You both police each other value time. You don't want to go back. Cuz you're sitting there like, I'm like, I got a. And you're just free. Cuz it's like you're at a job all the time. Then you're like, I got a. In my wife. And she's like, I got a. You're just like, you mother. And I'll be like, don't be around your phone.

[A]

Come right back.

[B]

I know she's around.

[C]

Cuz you know what you do? It's perfect.

[B]

Don't be. Don't be around your phone. And you know, you start being like, are you almost done? You know, you start kind of be like, you know, you're 10 minutes max. You're like, all right, let's go. I have a. She'll be like, are you done up there? And I'm like, yeah, I'm done.

[C]

We know what you're doing in there. You're on Candy Crush. I can hear it going excellent or whatever.

[B]

Especially if you're reading a book. I'll get, like, engrossed posting it. You just forget. You're just like, damn, this is awesome. And all of a sudden I'm just like, oh, I got down there. But yeah, dude, I got that one. And it like, I was at. I was in school. I went to school for social work, like years ago in 2020, which was kind of fun. But the. I remember I was like, doing. I had to go to a test and I had to, like, jam. I think it popped, but I was worried.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Well, I was. I was waiting for it to pop. And so I had to, like, put toilet paper between my ass cheeks because I had to, like, do something that day in front of the class.

[C]

Little man pump.

[B]

Exactly. So it really was. And I like, did you get the smell? I think it popped at home. And I don't remember getting the smell.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Hey guys, let me tell you something real quick. I'm sorry to just break in on an awesome time like this, but guys, you got to know this. Prize Picks is the best place to get real money. Sports action. Join over 10 million users and sign up today. Prize Picks invented the Flex Play, which means you can still cash out if your lineup isn't perfect. You can double your money even if one of your picks doesn't hit. Prizepix also offers weekly promotions that can lead to big payouts like Taco Tuesday. Each Tuesday, Prizepix discounts. Select player projections up to 25% to provide even more value for your lineups. Prizepix is the best way to win real money this football season. Real money. Which players are going off, which ones aren't? Make your picks in less than 60 seconds and turn your sports opinions into real money all season long. On prize picks. I mean, that is just. That sounds like some really great information that I'm very happy I have. Guys, did you hear all that? 25% off real money. You can't. It doesn't get better than real money. Download the prize picks app today and use code drenched to get 50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code drenched on prize pick picks. Get up to get $50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize picks run your game. Yeah. Hey, guys, you know what we could all use a little more of? Getting off asses. Ah, they had a typo. Getting off asses. Not even our asses. Just getting it. If you're just laying on someone else's like a pillow and just breathing in that smell. With bold flavors and a crisp, refreshing citrus kick, Mountain Dew gives you that extra push to get moving and feel like you're on top of the world. World. A world where the sun's always shining, your crew's ready for action, and unforgettable adventures are just around the corner. Oh, my God. Personal endorsement. Here we go. Call out my favorite flavor, guys. I'm a classic, man. I like that. Classic dude. They're giving me some verbiage to use. They're going with. They want me to go with great tasting, refreshing and has as a citrus kick. How about that? Do you love drinking something going, wow, that's a citrus kick. That is the best. It helps you connect with others. They're saying, yeah, that's. It is a treat. That's a nice one, guys. It's a treat. Helps you celebrate, helps you express yourself. It helps you take a break. That is amazing. Talk about what game slash activity I'd play with friends. Guys, you. I've. I don't know why they keep making me talk about this. This is like my deep personal life. But me and my friends, we all take the bottle and I hide it. Usually, like, we'll take turns. Like, we'll all. If me and my friends are hanging out, one of us has a bottle of Mountain Dew down their pants. So every time I see my friends, we like shake hands. I'm like, this. You got the dew on you. And like, sometimes I'm just grabbing their penis. I'm like, I thought you'd have to do my bad. But every now and again one of us will be bricked up. But with the Mountain Dew. And we'll pull it out and we just drink it out of each other's flies. Pretty fun money. Guys, the mountain is calling. You should answer. Grab your friends, Grab an ice cold Mountain Dew wherever refreshing beverages are sold and do the Dew. Can you can see okay, you can see this. Contractual purposes. Bang. Lay your eyes on that. Hey guys, real quick. I know. Just another quick advertisement. Lucy is made for your nicotine routine and delivered straight to your door. It's 100% pure nicotine and always tobacco free. Lucy isn't like every other nicotine pouch company that's owned by Big Tobacco. They're like the mom and pop shop of pouches. Have you heard about breakers? They are nicotine pouches with an extra surprise. Each pouch holds a capsule that can be broken open to release extra flavor and hydration. If you know your pouches, you know that the nicotine doesn't hit instantly. And neither does the flavor. The geniuses at Lucy came up with a brilliant way to fix both those problems. They put a mini liquid capsule inside each breaker's pouch. That is amazing, dude. I like to get the liquid real warm in my mouth, crunch down and go. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co Drenched and use the promo code drench to get 20 off your first order. Lucy has a 30 day refund policy. If you change your mind again, that's Lucy Co. And use code drenched to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for children. Just kidding. They're only for adults of legal age. And every product is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. The holidays are all about connecting with loved ones. And there's no better way to do that than with a digital picture frame from Aura. Wirecutter called it the best digital photo frame. Amazing. You can upload your favorite pics of the family to one frame and relive all those happy moments again. Or share big news like a new addition to the family man.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Hmm. What pictures do you and your family love sharing? It could be cute selfies, vacation pics, or funny photos. I love when my family my mom will send me very cute selfies every now and again. I go, mom, you look so attractive right now. I'm so happy for you, Mom. Who are you going to gift this frame to what big surprise do you have planned? I'm going to send some. I don't know if you know what boudoir photography is. I'm going to do some boudoirs. When you go in black and white and you like, it's very sexual. I'm going to send it to my parents. But it's not like pornographic at all. It's very tasteful and just very erotic. I'm going to go black and white, just me on the sheets, just leaving everything to just. Just a tiny cloth over my tiny penis and send it to my parents. And if that's not personal enough, you can upload a video message to play on the frame as soon as they plug it in so the first thing they hear is your voice and how much you love them all. Save on the perfect gift by visiting aura frames.com to get 35 off Aura's best sell selling carver mat frames by using promo code MSSP at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code MSSP. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions apply.

[C]

Wait, so how do you. Is. I don't know if you guys want to even talk about this, but do you have to get like surgery to get rid of it or.

[B]

No, you can't just wait. I can.

[A]

I. Last time I had one, I had to go. It was. I was thinking it was Shane and Tony and they were doing a thing for next in line, not the NFL, whatever nil deals. And it was just so big. I was just sitting on it and it was fucking.

[C]

Oh, that's terrible.

[A]

Yeah, I went to the hospital, I went to the urgent care and I like popped into urgent care. So the guy was like, luckily it popped before I had to do anything. It was like crazy.

[C]

Yeah, I feel real lucky, doc. Thanks.

[A]

It was just like squeezing my ass the whole time.

[C]

Yeah, I'm such a bitch about these kind of things. Dude, it hurts. I just was washing my ass too thoroughly. Yeah, so it was just dry, but it was so itchy that I was like, I've got to go to a professional, you know, 40 now. I want to see what's going on. And he was like, you just are, you're. You're washing your ass too much.

[B]

Like what's your ass watching regimen?

[C]

Well, I was just in the shower. I would just use like showered gel or soap to just wash, make sure my asshole is clean. Yeah, but like I'm using all these soaps and things and. But Anyways, so once I saw him, he's like, your asshole is fine, you know, he's like, you just need to not be.

[B]

How did you show the doctor your asshole, by the way? Do the whole thing, like, bend over.

[C]

I laid on the. I laid on the bed thing, cuz he gave me the whole 40 year old check after that. I figured like, I'm. I'm at the age. Let's just check.

[B]

My, my. I've never had a dry. I'm more of a humid guy.

[C]

Oh, so dry. It was like.

[B]

You had a chapped ass.

[C]

Yeah, I would itch it so much that it would like bleed. And I was like, I need to go because I'm itching it up. But. But what I was going to say is like, I. If you could have. Yeah, I'm a confident guy. I was such a. When I was like in there, like, I was. I kept saying sorry to him. I was like, I'm sorry. He's like, you know, you're all right. I did every day. And then I was like, he's like, it's just dried out. And I was like, yeah, I'm sorry. He's like, you don't have to keep.

[B]

What was it? What was the. Just holding your dick.

[C]

I just kept going. I'm sorry. I feel like McGruber, like, I'll suck your dick, dude. I'm sorry.

[B]

I'm sorry. I. My ass up. One job to keep my ass. All right. It up.

[C]

I was like, I feel terrible. I had to come in here. Waste your time. I don't even have a thing.

[B]

You're on antidepressants now. Like, my whole life's over.

[C]

I don't know why I touched treat. It felt so strange.

[A]

Sorry, sir.

[B]

I had a show. Yeah, I. I had a show. So I was getting eczema. I didn't realize it was eczema. And it hit my dick. So. And. But the problem was, it was like it was around that area. So I started just. I thought it was ringworm, so I was just bombing it with like Ultraman cream. And I. I wrecked my dick for like two months. And it was just dry and red.

[C]

That's a terrible feeling.

[B]

And I had to go to it. Finally. I was like, I need to do an urgent care. And I go in and it was. First the nurse had to look at just my shriveled, tiny red piece. I was like, all right, I did that. I'm like, whatever. I think I had showed a dermatologist earlier who had no idea or I think the Dermatologist.

[C]

This before you had a family and all that?

[B]

I had a family.

[C]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Yeah, I had a family. So I'm like, it was terrible, but I had to. So I do that. I go to the urgent care. A nurse looks at it like, oh, let me bring someone in. Dude. The biggest black guy I've ever met in my life. I swear to God. He's like, I got to take a look at that. I was like, okay, it's him. And then two nurses, because they were arguing whether it was ringworm or something else.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Like that. And then. So it's just this dude. And just two ladies had all be like, why having. Like. I don't think it's that. Like, I'm just sitting there.

[C]

They're using democracy. Let's take a vote.

[B]

But then eventually I went to. And that, like, nothing came of that. They gave me whatever. And then I had to go to a dermatologist. They were the ones who prescribed the steroid ointment. They were like, no, this is. That's not what this is at all. And then they cleared up. But that's great.

[C]

How good was that feeling to. Not every time you go to the bathroom. Bathroom. Reminded of the problem that you have, like, just.

[B]

I mean, dude, it was. It was itchy and dry.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But my dick. And it was. Dude, it was. It would. It would, like, go away and flare up and go away. It was just kind of like. It was. I was eating, I think, but. And then the dermatologist was also a beautiful woman.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

And just had to, like. And I had to go back and.

[C]

Be like, I got kicked out of an STD clinic because I refused to, like, cooperate with the nurse.

[A]

What do you mean?

[C]

I wanted to just get. So like, sometimes. Yeah. I would just randomly go get STD checks because, like, I would break up with a girl and then hook up with a couple other girls. And then that girl would be like, I know you were around when we broke up. Like, I want you to go prove you don't have anything. And it always comes back clear, I'm not hooking up. I think it's like, chicks.

[B]

You get a test, and then if you don't have anything, I don't have anything.

[C]

Why do I have to prove the paperwork? But they'll be like, well, I haven't slept with him. I was like. Or then I'll just say that, too. Like, if we're just using an all that makes.

[B]

That makes sense. You took a break. And then.

[C]

So I'm in There. And she just was asking all these questions, and I was like, in one of my Jeff Dyer moods, you know? She was like. She's like, how many partners have you had? I'm like, don't worry about it. And she's like, I need to know. I was like, no, you don't. You don't need to know. And then she's like, I have to ask you this. I was like, I know.

[B]

Damn. She hit you with like. You probably sleep with a lot of girls, don't you?

[C]

That's what it felt like to me. And maybe it was because I was projecting on her from like, the conversation I just had with my girlfriend or something. She's like, how many partners have you had? And I was like, if it's more than zero, check my dick. And she goes, sir. And I was like, no, but that's. That's true. Yeah, just check my penis.

[B]

She want to know your body count, dude.

[C]

Well, that's the thing, bro.

[B]

Your body counts high as hell.

[C]

Yeah, check.

[B]

Yeah, just.

[C]

Just. If I have. Let's say I checked with a thousand women, are you going to check it more thoroughly? Yeah, just check my. Like, what's the problem?

[A]

It's for the government.

[C]

Why?

[A]

They need to know.

[B]

That is a fair question.

[C]

No, that is a fair. They don't need to know any of that.

[B]

All they need to know is like, did you ever have sex before? And you don't get. And they go, all right, well, check your dick.

[C]

Yeah, I. Cuz I said if you.

[B]

Were a girl, there's no way they would do that if you were a girl. And they're like, how many people have sex with. That'd be kind of like offensive for any.

[A]

Any number.

[C]

I thought it was strangely my guy. Yeah, I was just. It was so. It was so weird and they didn't want any of my. And so.

[B]

So you got kicked out.

[C]

I got kicked out before they did the test.

[B]

What you have to do then I.

[C]

Lied to my girlfriend. Like, ah, got checked. We'll see.

[B]

Pretty cool.

[C]

A lot of good people up that place, right Spot? You were done quick. I know, I know, I know. Why is the date on this STD thing wrong?

[B]

Why. Why didn't you just say, like, I don't know, five? You should have been like a girl. Like, like four.

[C]

Yeah, I guess I wanted to check too, you know, in my mind I'm like, maybe I do have something, you.

[B]

Know, you should have been like, I only eat, so I don't know, whatever that counts.

[C]

Should be furious. You've never ate my p. I'm like, sorry. It's kind of another girl thing. I. Yeah.

[B]

Only I got to. I haven't been to the doctor in years. I can't wait to go back and answer the hard questions.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

I tell them I do crystal meth. I'm like, yeah, I do crystal meth.

[C]

Yeah. That's what we should be lying over. Exaggerate everything to our physicians to see if they'll check us different or if.

[B]

It'S like, you know, you give blood. Like, have you had sex with a man in Africa after 1975? Just be like, oh, yeah, yeah, tons of times.

[C]

Run that twice.

[B]

Put it in the center. Yeah, I want to go back to the doctor. And just while out it's like, oh, yeah.

[C]

The questions are in strange orders too. Thinking about that one. Because I went to. Before we went to Africa, we had to get like a bunch of shots and stuff. And not for co. Don't worry. And they were like, they're like, have you had sex with anyone? Oh, no. Have you been to Africa? And we're like, no, we're going to Africa. And the next question is like, have you had sex with anyone in Africa? I was like, well, no, I haven't been to Africa. Like, the question was just like strangely worded.

[B]

Yeah, that's kind of weird. To get into Africa, you got to be like a virgin or you got to be like, I've never anyone, I guess.

[C]

I don't know. Just maybe a part of the thousand questions they asked. Man.

[B]

That's up though. Cuz no other country is like, have you anyone from here before?

[C]

It is.

[B]

Cuz they asked you that on blood tests. Like, if you somebody from Africa in 19.

[C]

That's a racist question.

[B]

It is kind of up. Yeah, you're going to give your blood.

[C]

They're like, and this African.

[B]

You an African? You an African man in 1975.

[C]

You don't want Jeff's blood. He's all these people in Africa.

[A]

I had one summer.

[B]

Had a hot African summer.

[A]

Me and Jane Goodall.

[C]

It's ruined my medical history. Yeah, me and Jane Goodall is the best example I've ever heard.

[B]

Yeah, I. Yeah, I've been to the doctor in such a long time. I stopped going around Covid. Oh, I was just done with it. Yeah, they got real pushy and I was just kind of like every time I go there, like, oh, your cholesterol looks good. And I'd be like, I don't care about that.

[A]

Doctors are just pill salesmen now.

[B]

Yeah, well, I'm gonna try to find one that I like that like just like, dude, run my blood. Look for stuff that's actually important. Important, right? Like that they don't.

[C]

I don't give a. I find myself being dishonest with my doctors.

[B]

Everybody, they, they, they account for that. When they ask you about drinking, they kind of like triple it usually. Or double.

[C]

Yeah, they'd be like, how much are you drinking? I was like, I don't know. He's like, well, like three times a week. And I almost like laughed out loud. Like, what a thinks I drink three times a week. And then he's like, oh, more. And I was like, yeah, how about every day since 2001? Is that, is that a lot?

[B]

Yeah, true. That'll do it. I. I'm actually 20 year bender. I kind of keep them on the outs about everything. I'm like, nah.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, I don't really drink that much, but I'm always just like, I don't the. Why you don't need to know this.

[C]

I'm saying just check our bodies.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

See what I'm see questions are very intrusive.

[B]

Yeah. Even like, you smoke weed. I'm like actually late lately. I've been like, yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I do sometimes get high and I freak the out.

[C]

You guys like weed? You guys good at it?

[B]

Yeah, I was. And then recently it's been like kind of. Well, for. It's been like a back and forth thing. It's like a. It's like Russian roulette. Every now and again I can have like an amazing time and then I can just have like the most harrowing afternoon where I'm just freaked out.

[C]

Yes. I hate it. Racing and all my friends that smoke weed. Fucking love you boys, but you're losers. You know, like, like it's. I don't like.

[B]

How do you figure?

[C]

They're not like high achieving, you know, they're just doing nothing. Nothing.

[B]

That's. Some people can smoke weed and, and do nothing.

[C]

Some people don't know anyone that's thriving.

[B]

Such a lame take.

[C]

All my out. All my alcohol friends. Fine, successful. All my friends that like doing mushrooms, they won't shut the up about it. They're happy as hell. They're making relationship connections. They're. They're doing beautiful things with their mind. And then all my weed friends not.

[B]

Doing it can happen. The people can burn out. I think. I mean our founding father smoke weed. Definitely not a patriot. But the.

[C]

Probably the weed got good things. Then they smoked weed.

[B]

No way. Dude, dude, here's the thing. The weed's gotten too strong.

[C]

I agree.

[B]

It's gotten way too strong. And it's like, I have found. I like to get the. It's called type 2 cannabis. It's half CBD, half THC.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

It's chill. If you smoke dabs and stuff, I do think that kind of can people up.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

There are some people that can do it that are lawyers.

[C]

All right, Maybe here's what. I'll adjust. I'm teaching. Just enjoy it. Right. Like, I had to ask you. I didn't come in here and you're like, oh, it's. Oh, we got the weed painting.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I got a marijuana leaf on my laptop. Those are the guys I'm talking about. Who can't even talk to me at a smoothie place without taking a rip off some mechanical weed thing. That's who I'm talking about.

[B]

You're absolutely. No, you're absolutely right. There's.

[C]

There's a Kevin Smith or these losers that have some teenage obsession with weed. That's who I'm criticizing. Not a man with a wife and kids and a successful career.

[B]

No, I. Dude, I.

[A]

It.

[B]

There is. No, here's the thing. It is fair because there is. It does up your product for me. It does up productivity. I have to wait till I'm done everything. If I'm like, I'm gonna smoke weed and get creative and. Right. I'll just go for a walk.

[C]

The kids fall off the balcony, and you're like, oh, sorry.

[A]

It.

[B]

The. The dabs were where I kind of. There was like, I smoked weed since I was little, and then there was the dabs, and that's where I was like. I stopped. I was like, that's too much. When the dudes just, like, blast the thing on a.

[C]

See that?

[B]

Just like a concentrated wax.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I watched that occur.

[C]

Scientific.

[B]

Yeah, that's too much.

[A]

Dab is weed. Crack, basically.

[C]

It is 100%.

[B]

But I will say smoking a little bit of weed and watching a movie, fantastic. Going. Going to the movies and smoking weed. It's. It's the best.

[A]

I like starting a project. Project and then start smoking. So then I'm in it already. So then I just keep going through.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That is what kind of project, though. Give me an example.

[A]

I'll just edit videos.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. Something got to get done. I see.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I will say that does help. I will say, if you smoke weed while you're not doing anything for me, I'll bug out sometimes. And then it's like, I'm just like, why did I do this? I'm bugging out. But if I have a task, I will still be bugging out, but I'll be so engrossed in the thing. It can have, like, an energizing effect.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Where I'm, like, kind of bugging, where I'm like, I. To get this done and just kind of ride out the physical discomfort. But it is one of those things where you smoke weed. I. I got to the point where I'd be like, why am I higher? I don't even enjoy this. I would just be high and, like, freaking out and thinking about stuff that I would forget instantly. And I'd be like, why do I like this? And then you just freak out about that. And it's like. So I. I do agree.

[C]

I. I. Potheads are so optimistic, too.

[A]

Like, like, like until bedtime.

[C]

Well, no, they'll say no. I mean, they. They're optimistic about potential. Like, I'll be like, oh, I hated that. And they're like, you gotta try a different strand. And I was like, all right. And then we'll try a different. I'm from Seattle, so it's been legal my whole life.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So they'll be like, all right, try this. And I've had, like, after 30 times, I'm like, I think I just don't like this.

[B]

Yeah, this is not for me.

[C]

And they're like, but try. If you try sativa. Or is it like, guys, I can't.

[B]

And all that's too. They're so, like, mixed together now, too. And they're like, dude, no. Like, there's a year more of this. If you have now, it's like the. They'll be like, well, probably that. Terpene probably doesn't now. Like, you need more hum. It's like, dude, you have no idea.

[C]

When I got a dui, they weren't like, maybe try Brandy. What was it? Scotch. You were drunk on Scotch?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. It is one of those things where it's like, I, like, I've been smoking weed since I was, like, 14. I like it, but it's like, as I've gotten older, it's become less and less. And I used to be high all day.

[C]

Like, really?

[B]

For years. Oh, my.

[C]

Dude, you were like a rapper?

[B]

Pretty much.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I was just high. And I was also selling weed. Just stoned all the time. It's kind of. I was a lot like, you're in the market. I was a lot like a rapper, but it was it is weird. I will say there's a point when you smoke weed and you're younger and it's like before you have, like, stuff to bug out about as much. You feel like you're on the limitless drug. You're really like, dude, I'm so smart. Then you forget it all, though. You go home and you're literally like, what the was I thinking about? But there was like a four year period in my life that I was high all the time selling weed, and I was like, dude, I might be the smartest guy ever.

[C]

And do you like mushrooms?

[B]

I love mushrooms.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Mushrooms, I think are greater than weed.

[C]

I. I would say, oh, way better. And also I feel like that made me smarter. My friends all say to me, like, dude, you came back different. Like, it like changed something.

[B]

What did you do? What was your mushroom experience? Like, what did you do?

[C]

So, like, how much? Or like, where was I?

[B]

Yeah, how much? Yeah, the whole thing.

[C]

Okay. So my first time ever, I knew I wanted to do it for a long time. And my boy Randy Valerio was like, he's like King Mushroom guy. So he was like, I got you. Like, you know, just tell me when. So we've planned this trip out to, like, what's the hottest desert in the world? It's in California. California.

[A]

The Goby.

[C]

No, it's. It doesn't really matter. It's like this valley. It's like where they film like Star Wars. Some of the things I can't remember. Yeah. So we go to Death Valley and we waited till nighttime and then we just all took a ton of mushrooms. There's just three of us dudes who like, trust each other and know each other. And it was the most beautiful experience of my life.

[B]

It's awesome.

[C]

It was absolutely incredible. And we took a lot. And then. And then. So after that, every couple months. Right. It wasn't like a daily thing. Slowly built up to like four and a half grams is like, what we would. That's like the dose. We. Yeah, we only go like full journey. We're not doing like a little.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Where'd you sleep? In the Desire camp in there.

[C]

We had a hotel room, but we were glamping.

[B]

You guys were glamping?

[C]

No. Yeah, for sure.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm a glamping guy.

[C]

And then walked across the street to our hotel.

[B]

I'm a glamping guy myself, dude. I kind of. I enjoy, you know, Give me an indoor.

[C]

No one's ever taking me real camping.

[B]

Me either.

[C]

I want to go real camping.

[B]

I've never done it either, honestly. I. I.

[C]

What's is it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sleep in a tent.

[B]

And I would rather be outside all day and then hit, like, a yurt.

[C]

But I just want to do it for a couple days or something. I. Or even just one day.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because here's the thing. It's like, my buddies go, I will take you camping. And I've had girls go, we'll take you camp. And then they take me to some national park where I can see other people like me, you know, setting up their stupid. I want to be, like, in a movie. Like, when. Yeah, you're like, here's where we have to set the tent down, dude.

[B]

I agree. I've never gone camping. And I. I've, like. We were like, put a tent in my back backyard, and I sleep back there. It doesn't count. But, like, I want to go, but I have two daughters, so I'm, like, waiting to see if either of them want to go camping.

[C]

And, yeah, I'm gonna spirit.

[B]

My wife has no interest in it at all.

[C]

Really.

[B]

Zero.

[C]

I don't want to do it for, like, a month. I don't want to, like, you know.

[B]

Not even a night.

[A]

If I can. If I can speak on behalf of your wife. City blacks hate, like, grass.

[B]

I know. I know. My wife's black from Chicago. She does not want to camp at whatsoever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But my daughter's white side of them might whisper.

[C]

Yeah. Might crave it. And then they'll be like, mom was right. This is.

[B]

Yeah. Bare feet.

[C]

I like these city blacks. That's a funny. Is that a term?

[A]

City blacks? Country blacks.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Rural blacks.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Yeah.

[A]

I'm a mix of a city and a rural black.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

You are a little.

[A]

The perfect blank country.

[C]

Oh, man. I had to do a pro, and I'd have to. I got to do a project in. In Atlanta.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it, like, changed my perspective on black people. I was like, God did this to keep me from being racist.

[A]

Oh, in Atlanta.

[C]

All my favorite people in the world.

[B]

Yeah. What was the project?

[C]

It was a. Like a game show where we would shoot, like, 10 episodes a day. It was, like, quite a. Quite a grind of work. But I made me there for, like, like six weeks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And, like, I had to live in a hotel, so every day I would see black women that, like, you know, Southern black women who worked at the front. I'd have you. I was going to eat food at a restaurant. It was just all these, like, southern Atlanta black people. And I was like my favorite group of humans. This is the. This is amazing. Yeah, I like Church City Black people.

[A]

You know, Atlanta has the highest percentage of black people.

[C]

It really? How do you know that? It's a strange stat.

[A]

Yeah. Because I don't know. I don't know why, but every.

[C]

Those Download brothers went to Atlanta.

[B]

I could guess. Yeah, with the. What?

[A]

You nailed it.

[B]

What?

[A]

The downloads on the. In Atlanta. That's where they go.

[B]

Really?

[A]

They go down low.

[B]

I was just going off. There was a ton of gay black dudes.

[A]

Oh, well, they're all in Atlanta too.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just going off the Bravo network. Yeah, Bravo network is just gay black guys in Atlanta on every show, dude.

[C]

Atlanta rules. This is like best city.

[B]

Damn. So that's where. That's where homo thugs go to have sex. Sex with men on the low. Atlanta.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shit doesn't look good for Tyler Perry. He fucking Bill. He's bricks and mortar down there, dude.

[A]

And you know, in his studio is. Every building is named after other famous black people.

[C]

Really?

[A]

It's probably not looking good for those guys either. There's like a Will Smith studio, Jamie Foxx.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, it's like a Diddy Party alum.

[C]

Yeah. When are we gonna get this list?

[B]

Yeah, they're not gonna give it.

[C]

Also there's like. Once the list comes out, no one will care.

[A]

Yeah. Did you.

[C]

They did that Epstein island list. People were interested about it for like 30 minutes.

[B]

Well, Stephen Hawking's was a revelation. That was crazy as a big one. David Copperfield, but.

[C]

But nothing happened. David Copperfield, he did a show last night in Vegas. It changed nothing.

[B]

I know that's. That didn't change. And the Diddy Party stuff, everyone's going, well, I was there, but I left at 3am yeah. After I leave, that's when everyone.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

It's like. It's like A, how do you know?

[C]

B, but it's also, dude, no one's going to care.

[B]

It's also kind of bullshit in my opinion, to be like, if you're in the 90s, getting freaky as hell.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're getting accused now. It's like, dude, the 90s were genuinely totally different. So it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, it's like, it sucks, but it's also like.

[C]

Well, and also people just inconsistent. The real rule the way or not rule, but the real way people navigate their minds is if you like the person, you're fine with it. And if you don't like them them, then you're outraged.

[B]

Yeah. Burn them on a cross.

[C]

Yeah. David Bowie, like, admitted in his book to, like, banging 13 year olds. Yeah, but it's David Bowie. So they go, yeah, that kind of rules.

[B]

Anthony Kis is in his book. He was like, he had sex with a 16 or 17, but he wrote it. It's like, I feel like when people telling themselves, you're like, all right, bro.

[C]

Yeah, good for you.

[B]

Yeah. It's like, dude, that's a sick story.

[C]

Guy's owning it.

[B]

But he really looks good on you.

[C]

He's doing the eight Mile, man. He's trying to get ahead of it. What are you gonna say now? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, so I gave Quaaludes to a girl.

[B]

It also. There's also an aspect. There's an. You think Cosby's bad? Check out my book. The. I think there is an aspect, too. It depends on what you have. Like, if you. If you're in command of, like, like an important cultural job that other people want, there's more of an uproar around your misdeeds than if you, like, don't really have much going on.

[C]

That's why the Diddy List is so interesting, because if he was just guilty of being nefarious as, like, a rock star or thug rapper would be. Be. It would be no story. But black people are still working on the gay. You know that every group's got their own things they're working on, so this one is encroaching into a new territory for them.

[B]

Yeah, freaky ass.

[C]

They're going off freaky.

[B]

Well, he also, like. He was also like. Not only that, but apparently according to all, like, the court stuff, he would, like, like, imagine if I brought you in here and I was just like, oh, dude, this would be a sick podcast. And the whole time during breaks, I was just like, goosing you. He was like, doing that. That would ruin being like. But then holding, like, a genuine, like, you know, like, I'm gonna give you a million dollars to produce this project. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But then the whole time he'd be like, I know. Spreading you open, like, let me see that chap little.

[C]

It is weird. I'm.

[B]

He just. And you're like, that was his real. It wasn't even just, you know how.

[C]

Much oil I have here if I could help this.

[B]

It wasn't even just the gay freaky stuff. It was like. I mean, that is obviously for sure. Nobody likes that at all. But it's like, especially talking about, like, the black community. It's like, yeah, you can't don't fuck around. They don't fuck around about gay stuff at all. Yeah, it was like the power of being like, basically holding someone prisoner.

[C]

I always think about that. Like, I always like to think that, like, if my boss of anything I had. I mean, this is. It's hard for me to try to pretend to be someone else. That's why I struggle with it. Yeah, but it's like if my boss was like, doing things, I'm such a impulsive person that I'd be like, what the fuck? Look, I would just like blow it up. I wouldn't be able to keep a secret, to keep a career or job.

[B]

Then I'll enter this into the equation. You're going to the parties. He's like, you're getting blown. He's. He's hooking you up. It's crazy. And then at the end of it, yeah, you know, he slept a little something in your drink and then he just started goosing. You're like, boy, with the. I like all part was weird. I like all this other stuff.

[C]

Well, I'll just bottle that up for later. When I kill my wife at age 55.

[A]

I'm love, Jeff. You gotta. Like this.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, true.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's.

[B]

It's kind of going away now, though. I feel like people don't really. They use. I think it might have been a. I kind of heightened during the election because it was kind of like shame on the libs.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

That was lib shame. Epstein. Epstein was like little. Everyone was caught in that. But the diddy stuff was kind of like, shame on the libs. Yeah, but, yeah, it does suck. You don't get. There's no closure on it. It's just kind of like, yeah, that guy was raping kids and anyway, back to work, everybody.

[C]

It's crazy. Like, the. What people care about or pretend to care about because of the diddy list too. They'll just go, yeah, he was at a party. You can't prove he didn't anything. Well, that's like Chris Tucker went to Epstein Island. I know like a few like three times. And he's like, I played golf. I didn't even know they were doing that there, you know? But I mean, maybe he's telling the truth, maybe he's not. But it's like, you'll always have that out. Like, I just went there because they're rich guys. So, like, who wouldn't have wanted to go to a P. Diddy party before you knew what a P. Diddy party was?

[B]

Everyone would have went. Every single person who's being like weird bullshit. If they had gotten invited in 1997.

[C]

Because I only learned. He knows the consequences. Yeah, maybe.

[B]

Yo, maybe start throwing. Keep it alive. Traditional life.

[C]

It's like when I go to parties now and I'm like, I don't drink. Yeah, like you just. Oh no, I'm not doing the raping thing. Yeah, you guys have fun though. I'm just happy to be here. Gotta pick with JLo.

[B]

How's not drinking been Great. You're off. You're off the sauce. Yeah.

[C]

Totally sober. Yeah, I feel great. It's been amazing.

[B]

It's really. It's one of those things that is like everywhere. But once you don't do it, you're like, it's great for you. Everyone else has a problem, they go like, what the is that?

[C]

Yeah. I feel like cuz it was such a big part of my lifestyle that like there's some disappointment. But then also like my buddies have been kind of supportive of like dude, you're way more fun to be around. Like you don't just ditch us for a chick at like 10pm or like. Yeah, like we're having actual conversations and cigars and you know, we're connecting in ways that we didn't used to. So it's been mostly positive. It occasionally rears its head. Yeah, like I. I think I've dodged a real Last night. I did kill to Sony. And afterwards everyone hangs out at the bar called Mitzi's and there was like this girl who might have been one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life, but she was just so intoxicated that like I. I left. She terrified me. Just her being near me was so scary. And if. But if I was old Jeff, we would have definitely been.

[B]

Well, you'd have been so hammered that yeah. You would have gotten drunk and been like, that's a. That is such a tricky one, man. They're like drunk women were like boons back in the day. What a glorious bounty. Why did the universe provide me now? You're like, yeah. It's like, dude, get the fuck away from me.

[C]

Exactly. I wanted nothing to do with. She kept grabbing my face. I was like, hey, don't fucking touch me.

[B]

Get.

[C]

Normally, yes, I you. But like you're so drunk. Yeah, that's the bad part about being a guy too. In modern times, at least in America, it's like not only if I'm drunk, do I have to be responsible for drunk Jeff's behavior? And it will be held accountable in a court of law. But I have to also be responsible for her drunkenness.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's like, I could be responsible for both of us, dude.

[A]

It's.

[B]

Someone's got to do it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's how I look at it. It's like, yeah, dude, you shouldn't be that drunk.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Especially if you're a girl. It's like, yeah, you should just. You should, in theory, just be like, let me get you home. You later. You seem pretty. A lot of bad guys out here.

[C]

It's tough to be responsible for both of us when I'm hammered.

[B]

It is bullshit. That's the thing. If somebody's got to pull their pants up.

[C]

So last night, I had to be responsible. I'm not gonna to even touch you.

[B]

That's the thing. As every.

[C]

If I was drunk, Jeff, I'd have. We'd have in the bathroom, like, at.

[B]

That's why it's a sin to be that drunk.

[C]

I know.

[B]

You should be punished for that.

[A]

Somebody else touched you. Dude.

[C]

You want to be all. Took a real turn here.

[B]

You should as. You shouldn't get that drunk. It's. It's unbecoming of anyone. But as a woman, it's like, it's understandable. As a guy, it's like, yeah, it's completely ridiculous to be that drunk.

[C]

I know.

[B]

But no, it is crazy to be. We're both blacked out and I go to jail.

[C]

Right. It's crazy.

[B]

It is.

[C]

That is the rules.

[B]

But I'm just trying to take dudes to the next level right now.

[C]

It's beautiful.

[B]

You shouldn't be that. You, like. No one should be that.

[C]

With this headset and this. It does feel like a church. It does. Like, the earlier analogy is perfect, you know? Like, it is. That's why it's sin to be that drunk, Jeff.

[B]

It's an absolute sin. You shouldn't be that drunk, you know, or you should. You should always be. Have your wits, you know, with. That's where coffee came. That's like coffee caught on in America because it was like, a total counterpoint to al. Alcohol.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

Because alcohol was so prevalent in everyday. Everyday life where, like, the water quality wasn't great, so you would just chug, like, a pint of ale and go hit the farm.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And then people started being like, dude, alcohol is. And they started drinking. Like, people didn't know the numbers on coffee. So they'd have, like, nine cups of coffee a day.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And just coffee shops.

[C]

Europe must be pissed about that espresso martini, they're like, these idiots is supposed to be for them.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Well, no, even in America, you would like coffee shops before computers. You would drink like 12 espressos and just stand there and be like, I'm from Michigan. I'm in the lumber company. And you would network with other just jacked up entrepreneurs.

[C]

That's why I so fast, dude. I'm. I'm having like 10 coffees that'll get you. Yeah, I've already had two coffees this morning before I got here.

[B]

Did you really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

There's my. I'm gonna hit you up. I'm off of caffeine. Totally off. I'm. I have like.

[C]

I think that's harder to get rid of than alcohol.

[B]

I would say 1,000%.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I would much rather get crushed coffee early in the morning than drinking drink any day of the week. I love caffeine. I'm sensitive to it.

[C]

I wouldn't even know what to do with my day if I didn't have coffee.

[B]

Well, let me tell you about.

[C]

Because I like the whole process.

[B]

Here's. So do I. Yeah. I drink decaf. So I'll drink totally decaf coffee. I started drinking raw milk recently.

[C]

Real milk.

[B]

Raw milk.

[C]

What is raw milk?

[B]

Raw milk is when they don't pasteurize it. You don't do.

[C]

You don't. How do you get that?

[B]

Get it from a farmer.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You got to sign up. In Texas, farmers te Google, brother. In Texas, you just Google. You know, we have going to farmers market, but you have to order it a week before because they don't let. You can't buy it on the spot. Dude. I'm not lying. I. I know. I don't care about raw milk. I never cared. I was like, let me just try it because I was curious. I heard it helps with like dairy intolerance. Yeah, dude, I've been. I started drinking this four days ago. I. I feel amazing.

[C]

Really.

[B]

And I looked it up because I was like the. In this.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All the vitamins. It's a complete food. All the vitamins and minerals. Minerals they have. I think every, like if you took a vitamin, raw milk has every single thing in that vitamin. They have, you know, vitamin A, Bs, blah, blah, blah. There's a couple they don't have a lot of and every mineral. And it's all wildly.

[C]

How you drinking this? Like just straight out of a glass.

[B]

Straight out of a glass.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I make decaf coffee and I pour a ton of raw milk in There. And dude, I swear to God.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm not making this up. You know, whatever. If I feel amazing, really, I'm sleeping better. It's insane. Apparently has like hormone effects. It does all kinds of. I.

[C]

That is the next part. I shook the booze thing, which I feel great about. I'm very proud of it. It's been a year and two weeks. But the. The thing with. I'm eating trash, dude.

[B]

Eating bad.

[C]

I've been eating bad for a long time.

[B]

It's tough. You're traveling. Yeah.

[C]

McDonald's is available, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what I mean, dude?

[B]

When I know what I do, you know what I do.

[C]

No, I don't.

[B]

Though. I go. When I go away for the weekend, I'll go food shopping. Get a rotisserie chicken.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And some fruit.

[C]

But I don't even do that at my own home, let alone if I was on the road.

[B]

But no, I'm telling you, dude, get on the royal milk train, dude.

[C]

Yeah, I'll check it out.

[B]

You could probably get in la. There's a lot of.

[C]

For sure.

[B]

Dude, I swear I'm not. I want someone else to drink this shit because it's like. I can't believe how super food it is, dude. It is. Although it is tied to. We talked about this on the Patreon thing. It's tied to Neo Nazis, so you can't like. Apparently milk has like connections to like white supremacy due to like the legend that like the ancient Aryans were the only people who could digest.

[C]

Just making it sound cooler, dude.

[B]

It kind of does. Kind of. Like my friend was like, you gotta be careful, they're all milk. It's like Nazi stuff. And I was like, how? And explain it to me. I'm like, dude, that sounds so cool.

[C]

But also it's ridiculous.

[B]

It's crazy.

[C]

Yeah. They also drink water. Oh God, I don't want to drink water. Because they.

[B]

Well, there's been articles written about is milk racist? And they're saying like. Cuz apparently anyone who white people can tolerate dairy as a group combined better than any other group. And they say that that's what the Aries.

[C]

It's pretty easy to make those statistics when you just lump it as white. How many countries are white?

[B]

Yeah, but I think like all of them can have milk. I think, I think if you're not white. True. Like Eastern Europe, maybe. I get like the bubble guts for milk.

[C]

Jews. Jews are pretty white. They can't have anything.

[A]

The Jews.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Not even a country.

[C]

So it's like, the white is so vague.

[B]

But I think. Yeah, I think it's. Again, it's like one of those things, like, as a group, it was like, I think black people get crushed with lactose intolerance. And you guys crush the dairy, too.

[A]

My guts hurt right now.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[C]

I'm doing it for his country, though.

[B]

Yeah. And Asian people can't with dairy either.

[C]

Really? I didn't know that about them.

[B]

That's. I didn't know any of this.

[A]

What about Indian guys? They love creamy things.

[B]

They do like, creamy things and spicy things, but they use coconut milk. They use a lot of coconut milk.

[C]

Strong guts over there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, true. Well, they use coconut milk and like, yogurt. A lot of their stuff's yogurt based, which probably lessens this thing. I'm. Dude, I'm crushing, like in the morning, 8 ounces of whole milk.

[C]

And you enjoy it. It wasn't. It's not like you're trying to get through it too. For the super.

[B]

I love it, dude. Yeah, I. The day I drank it, I. Again, like, I have no ties to any sort of. Any sort of milk company. I had, like, I was taking Zyrtec, so I had. You know, you take allergy medicine, you're kind of like, oh. Like, I had like, heavy brain, fast pog. And I. I wasn't planning on this. I crushed. As soon as I got back from the farmers market, I was like, yes. I poured up a huge glass of milk, crushed it, and dude, within like 10 minutes, I was like, what the. I felt like my brain just, like, kicked on. It was nuts.

[C]

I'm definitely trying it, dude.

[B]

I'm telling you, I live in a.

[C]

City that'll be the easiest to find.

[B]

For sure if you just Google raw milk, right?

[C]

They'll bring it right to my door. They probably could have in 15 minutes. He's going a week before. Not in LA.

[A]

Yeah, it's on go.

[C]

They got some for sure.

[B]

Texas. It is, I guess, the way to week. They don't want them, like, kind of like letting it sit around for too long. So they want you, like, fresh to order, whatever. But my thing is, it's. It's a. You know, there's always like, thing. Like you can get sick. Like, with our technology now, they have to be able to test a batch of raw milk. Like, does this have tuberculosis? All these other things, you can just test it. Like, no, it's fine. Because they're like, you could get really sick.

[C]

It's like, who said that?

[B]

Like, Internet. They're like, oh, you can also get this and that. And it's like, dude, I'm just gonna chug this.

[C]

If it's more natural, that should be better. Better, you would say.

[B]

But it's, I get it. Like, if it's, you know, when you're milking a cow, like, you know, the cow can just take a. They're not like, going to be like, excuse me, sir, don't just rip a dump.

[C]

Right?

[B]

The worry is if it gets into the.

[C]

Those calves are so strong. And I want to be strong as.

[B]

A calf, but yeah, exactly, dude, I, it's like breast milk, dude. You feel. I mean, I'll stop talking about it, but Jesus Christ. It's been a revelation for me, dude.

[C]

I like it. I'll be in. Dude, you're gonna get a text from me, like, in a week. Like, I tried it, dude. My brain's on.

[B]

You're going to be firing.

[C]

I'm excited. You're, I mean, like, I'm going to be pissed. Be like, this shit's not working. I got like a thick milk mustard. I'm just sitting on the couch going, I've been fooled again.

[B]

You're just farting non stop.

[C]

The first he told me Nazis did this. That's all part of his get Jeff to do it thing.

[B]

Now you're gonna. I'm telling you, man, I, I, I'm trying to make every, like, I'm trying to make everyone in my house drink it. And everyone's like, yeah, not feeling it.

[C]

But because it is tough to drink. Like, immediately my brain went to, can I put chocolate syrup in it?

[B]

You could if you want it.

[C]

Or like, if I steam it, does that take some of the.

[B]

No. So if you, like, you have to steam it for there's a certain temp. And then I think you'd have to do it for a certain period of time, but I forget what it is. But I was worried, like, if I dump it into hot coffee, does it.

[C]

Like, would that change it?

[B]

Yeah, totally.

[C]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

It's got to hit like 150. I think it's a curse not to.

[C]

Curdle, but, like, I used to crush, like, eggnog and people were like, that's disgusting. And I was like, yeah, but it's so good.

[A]

Eggnog rules.

[C]

Yeah, but it's not so flavory. And that's the thing. It's like, if I could make it taste like eggnog, I would crush whole, you know, real Mel. Put in a smoothie.

[B]

You can put it in a smoothie. I'm about to make a raw milk smoothie when we get home, but it's all we're talking. But you only have, like, five days, so I'm gonna charge up, and then I'm gonna have to go off the juice for a little bit.

[C]

So you're, you're in rogue towns.

[B]

You guys got real milk sipping from the utter?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I, like, I didn't know dairy was, like, such a big thing where, like, most people are allergic to it now because the way they do it now, apparently, like, nobody can really stomach it.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, they, like, destroy it destroys everything. It's like breast milk. How? Breast milk is really good for you, but if you just, like, boiled it in a microwave, you've destroyed, like, it literally, like an elixir.

[C]

Yeah. So that is the new hunting. Trying to find things that are good for you. Yeah. Our ancestors had to be like, go shoot an animal and skin it and whatever and keep it cold and then cook it. Now our hunting is going to the grocery store and finding anything that's good for you. Yeah, literally, you could go to whole foods. Doesn't matter. Half that's trash, dude.

[B]

90. 90. If you go to, say, you go into, like, a convenience store, 99% of the stuff in there is terrible for you.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it's all garbage. We're eating garbage.

[B]

Even whole foods. Yeah, A lot of it's just, like, shit and seed oils. The grocery store, if you stay. The thing is, if you stay on the outer aisles, it's like produce and then meat, and even the produce, they.

[C]

Found a way to, like, inject it and do all this shit.

[A]

Biggest these apples, I don't know.

[C]

Or you'll go to, like, a real health place where they're like, in here is good for you and the carrots, like, $20. You're like, what the is this? Yeah, that's the new hunting.

[B]

It is. Well, here's the thing, too. When people like the food, like, say, like, organic produce is too expensive, it's like, dude, you'll die if you don't have it 100%. It should take up, you know, it should be. I, I, it does suck. But it's also like, like, even before, like, you know, I did well, I would always spend way more money on food than anything people spend money on. Fucking bullshit. It's like, dude, food.

[C]

Do you think they're going to murder us after this podcast for, like, talking about the food industry like this, dude?

[B]

Yeah, I think the jig's up, dude. I think hopefully someone cracks down on them.

[A]

They have. They have the new chair lady. Do you ever see her f. Lena something? She's been cracking down on her. She's been getting crazy.

[B]

Really?

[A]

It was like there was like a. Maybe like a couple weeks ago.

[B]

Fda.

[A]

Yeah. She was like, there's like a.

[B]

They kind of. They kind of the bed pretty hard.

[A]

She's. She was like. There was a presentation of them with like. There's like, here's the European version of.

[C]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Here's the American version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's doing that with like all the.

[C]

Remember Michelle Obama's original thing was like, food.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

She was like, I'm going to make healthy, you know, these young kids, but we got to do something about it. And it's like someone took her in a back room and was like, listen, do you know how much money we give you? And then she was like, maybe just go outside and run a little bit. Maybe just run outside. Maybe it's about fitness. Ten minutes a day. Like, what happened to the food part you were talking about?

[B]

Yeah, I don't think they. Nothing happened with that. Yeah, she changed.

[C]

She immediately turned it into like a fitness thing as opposed to a food thing. Really? Immediately?

[B]

Well, dude, they've. They have somehow psy up dudes to be like, it's like to worry about food. Because every dude I know. Shame. What's in that. They're like, don't give a this right now. It's like, dude, you're gonna die. Yeah, you're going to die. What?

[C]

Eating the cardboard that it came in. You're like, no, dude, like, I'm a real man.

[B]

My whole family's like that. All my dads and uncles are like, what are you, a girl? I don't give a. Like 40 cheesesteaks. And it's just like, dude, you're going to fucking die.

[C]

I don't know why.

[B]

It's like crazy.

[C]

I'm trying to ask my own self why is that cool?

[B]

It's a psyop.

[A]

I think it's a style. It's just that masculinity is not caring if you die.

[C]

It's lazy.

[B]

Yeah, that's fair. But also like, what about. What about peak performance? What about the Da Vinci man? What about going peak performance, taking yourself to the highest level.

[A]

That guy had like 5 bruise before he took that pick, that painting.

[C]

Yeah, it is like kind of like what it. What makes it cool to be a man, you know? Yeah, like just like.

[B]

Yeah, just dilapidate yourself.

[C]

Some people think a man has got like a big beard and he doesn't give a. And he always, he's got an ax, you know. And then some people think like James Bond is cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But James Bond is like wearing this three piece suit and he's drinking fine vodka, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So it's kind of like killing people.

[B]

So that's the thing. If you kill people, you can dress kind of gay, but he's got to.

[C]

Eat right, you know, like that you got Bond going, well, you guys don't drink real milk. And they go, what over there. So it's like kind of. They're both men. Like you gotta decide which man.

[B]

True.

[C]

You know you want to be.

[B]

It's a fair point. It is. Yeah. It's. I feel like most people though, it's like if you, if you even bring up like. Yeah. There's a lot of times in private conversation like yeah, what, what is that? Some of stuff. But like you get a bunch of dudes together, like I don't give a. About. I know there's something like when girls go out, they go like pamper themselves. When dudes get together, they just try to like destroy. Try to destroy them.

[C]

Kind of funny.

[B]

Yeah, it's kind of sick.

[C]

Well, maybe it's a test. Actually, I think I know the answer to it, but go ahead.

[A]

I was going to say all my friends, they always like go for like the easiest option. It's like, bro, there's better options. Don't just pick the first one because it's easy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

100%. That's true. Yeah, it's lazy.

[B]

Yeah. People are, people are dumb and lazy. They're right about that.

[C]

I think that the reason men would do that to each other is it is a test of toughness. It's a test of like, like can we, you know. Oh, you care about that? Like we're, we're tough. You know we're tough and that's, that's healthy. Cuz men have always had to be tough.

[B]

That's true. But it's like my thing is like why? Because I've done that. Like I don't give a. I'll eat that. Then I just have like a quiet tummy ache. I don't want this tummy ache.

[C]

But the inner caveman in you back in the day had to like not care about how cold it is cuz he had to kill a wolf, you know.

[B]

True.

[C]

Like there was. There's this idea of, of like not caring about your well being to be a. Yeah, true.

[B]

But it's I. I slide every now and again. I'll get in there, I'll be real good. I'll be gonna be doing well, eating. I feel great. And then I'll be like, I can relax and I'll just get the biggest tummy.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like, why do I do this to myself?

[C]

There's nothing less masculine than having a tummy ache.

[B]

It's laying in hotel room burping.

[C]

But my tummy.

[B]

What the. Did I eat that? I gotta tighten up.

[C]

I've never had fish and chips at like a pub and not had a stomachache.

[B]

Yeah, it's every time I.

[C]

And I've like ego. I'm never ordering this again. I forget like six months later every time you're like, it's so good.

[B]

And I'm hurting every time. Well, I think we covered a lot of topics here. I think we got to the bottom of a lot of things.

[C]

I think so too, man.

[B]

Thank you for coming.

[C]

Thanks for having me, dude.

[B]

Thanks for coming on, man. Thanks for. Thanks for withstanding this format out. What did you think is standing?

[C]

I prefer it.

[B]

It's kind of nice, right? It's the future, I think it's absolutely the future. Podcasting now, dude. After this election.

[C]

Who made them?

[B]

Some guy on Amazon.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Chinese guy.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah, also too. I don't know if I have even have the remote on me. I didn't even show you this feature, but yeah, dude, these things go fucking nuts, bro. Let me see.

[C]

Yeah, nuts. Oh, there we go. No, he wasn't lying. This is sweet. You should get some pyro in there. Amazing. And if it goes bad, it'll just be funnier.

[B]

Hilarious.

[C]

Like if pyro screws up, we could.

[B]

Get some baby pyro. Probably. No, probably not.

[C]

Amazing. Just the smoke is collecting in here. Is not even that grandiose.

[B]

True. Well, dudes, thank you so much.

[C]

Thanks for having me, brother.

[B]

Dude. Appreciate it, lamees. Thank you, brother. Do you guys have anything you want to plug, by the way?

[A]

Oh, yes. Go for it.

[C]

Please go for it.

[A]

December 20th and 21st, I'm going to be at Raleigh Good nights, please come. And then January 15th at the Philly Hill. And please go to that too.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Great club. Yeah, you can go to jeffdy.com or follow me on my socials and all my live dates are there.

[B]

Right on. Love you guys.