← Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
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- [00:00]
A
Hey, we're live. What's up, everybody? Samuel, thank you for coming, dude.
- [00:04]
B
Thanks for having me, man.
- [00:05]
A
I. I mean, I. I hate to dig into what we were just saying, but you're absolutely right. The headset, that was one of the funniest things I ever heard.
- [00:11]
B
Oh, why'd I burn it off air?
- [00:13]
A
I was the funny, just saying what.
- [00:14]
B
Everyone says now you show up, they're like, save it, Save it for the pod.
- [00:18]
A
But yeah, Sam was looking at my headset. He said that just when you see a comedian with a headset on stage, you know a mole station story is going.
- [00:25]
B
Yeah, it's gonna get serious.
- [00:27]
A
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard, man.
- [00:29]
B
It's always something dark. There was another guy in the 90s, I forgo. But he was like. The first half was really funny, and then he was like, anyway, my dad was murdered and you're like, what the fuck? But he had the headset. You knew something was coming.
- [00:40]
A
It is. It does lend to like a gravitas towards the whole thing.
- [00:43]
B
Yeah.
- [00:43]
A
And here is the secret to life pause.
- [00:45]
B
Or like a self help person where they're just like doing this a lot.
- [00:48]
A
That's where I got. Remember? You ever see Vanilla Skies with Tom Cruise?
- [00:51]
B
Yeah.
- [00:52]
A
That's where this made me laugh at him just being like, you want to get pussy or not. Thank you for coming, dude.
- [00:59]
B
I couldn't tell if that was a good movie or not.
- [01:01]
A
When they broke out and singing in the end, it pissed me off.
- [01:04]
B
Vanilla Sky, Am I thinking.
- [01:05]
A
No, I'm thinking of not Vanilla Sky, Magnolia or something?
- [01:09]
B
Yeah. Oh, my bad, my bad.
- [01:10]
A
I think. Yes, yes.
- [01:11]
B
Yeah. That was annoying.
- [01:12]
A
That pissed me off.
- [01:13]
B
That was like a really good movie till then started.
- [01:15]
A
It was awesome and then it just ended pointlessly with him singing. And I was like, this is. Pisses me off.
- [01:21]
B
Yeah.
- [01:22]
A
Yeah, dude, thanks for coming, man.
- [01:24]
B
Thanks for having me, dude. This is. I'm. I'm happy to be here, dude.
- [01:26]
A
It's funny. The first time I ever saw you, I was a pup in comedy. I was a young pup and my friend Chris O'Connor was like, Dude, Samuel's going. It was in Philly. You were doing some show. I forget where it was. We just watched and we're like. You know when you just start, you see a guy who like, actually can do it, and you're just like, oh.
- [01:41]
B
Dude, where was it?
- [01:42]
A
It's in Philly. I forget. Some theater. It was like a. It's like a. Not a. It was like a. It Was like a theater, but it wasn't like a. It was like a.
- [01:49]
B
Like a black box type thing.
- [01:50]
A
Yes.
- [01:51]
B
I did a lot of those in Philly because they were easy, you know, easy to get to train is like 90 minutes. It's. People don't know. It's, like, right there.
- [01:57]
A
But, yeah, that was. I was a.
- [01:58]
B
Loved it.
- [01:58]
A
I was a young comedy pub. And we're going, whoa, dude. It's so fucking cool, dude. He has a whole fucking hour. This is crazy. Five minutes. We're like, oh, dude, that's so fucking cool.
- [02:06]
B
And then, like, if I look back at that hour, I'd be like, oh, I fucking suck. That's how it works, you know? You feel good about it for a minute, and then. Yeah, but then I don't like my new stuff either. It's like, you know. Yeah, it's tough. How do you feel about your stuff?
- [02:19]
A
I go back and forth sometimes. I'm like. Like, the hour I'm doing now, I'll be like, this is great. Then I'll like. There's, like, chunks of it where I'm like, this fucking sucks. I need cut this all out. But I just. I get to the point where I just want to be done with it. I'm like, I. All right, this. It is what it is. I want to, like, release this and just go on to coming up with something else.
- [02:35]
B
I know. It's. It's amazing how quickly it's like. It's like just a new relationship. And, like, at first you're like, oh, my God, this is amazing. And then a few months in, you're like, what am I doing?
- [02:43]
A
I know. What the am I talking about? Yeah, I'll, like. I'll, like, laugh. I'll not even laugh. I'll be like. As I. There's, like, certain things I'll say for me in my head. I'm like, you fucking loser. And I'm like, all right, come on, man. Come on. Let's get through the hour, brother. Let's get through the hour.
- [02:54]
B
There's always that one chunk where you're like, why am I still doing. But you know you're doing it to. Because you believe. You're like, it'll get better.
- [03:01]
A
Yeah, but you got it.
- [03:02]
B
You got to do it enough that you hate it. And then you're like, all right, I'll write new stuff. It's time.
- [03:06]
A
Yeah, it's time to chop this loose. I'm excited. I'm going to try to do a special some point. And then in the spring, maybe and then just.
- [03:13]
B
You're, like, one of the few successful YouTube specials of recent.
- [03:17]
A
Thank you. Yeah.
- [03:18]
B
I feel like there's not that. Had a moment and then it was like, it got oversaturated. And you.
- [03:22]
A
I.
- [03:23]
B
You, Ari, a few other people, dude, I thought.
- [03:25]
A
I was thinking for, like, maybe 40,000 views, I was like, I'll probably get 40,000 on it. And then, like, I was like, I'll do a bunch of podcasts, promote it. And then, like, the first week, I was like, oh, sweet. I'll do anything. Sit back and chill.
- [03:36]
B
I know that is. That is the dream to be like, no press.
- [03:40]
A
Yeah. You know, it's. I thought I was going to have to do it all and, you know, you know, whatever. But I always say, people always. People ask me, they'll be like, like, what should I do for, like, you know, like, my podcast? I'm like, dude, here's what you got to do. I was like, just get a co host to become supremely famous. And I was like, that'll work for sure. That's what you do.
- [03:58]
B
You got to be like an agent. Now you're like, I think that guy's got the goods right there.
- [04:02]
A
Yeah, true. But, yeah, people. It's funny when they. They always get, like, really disheartened when I'm like, I don't. I don't know what the to tell you, man. I'm like, you just find someone who's super famous.
- [04:11]
B
You're. You're holding up your end, though.
- [04:13]
A
Yeah. Well, thank you, man.
- [04:14]
B
Yeah, thank you.
- [04:15]
A
But, yeah, it is. I don't know, man. It's just the. People get. People get spun out, man. Entertainment's the only thing. Only, like, job I've ever seen where people make, like, as much as a doctor, and they're like, I'm a loser. You're like, dude, you're killing it, man.
- [04:27]
B
Yeah, but if you saw other doctors, like, performing an operation, you're like, that guy's getting more likes than me on his. His operation.
- [04:34]
A
True, true.
- [04:35]
B
You feel like it. There is that thing about, like. And also, like, we. We do badly more than, like, a doctor's like, I'm sure they up sometimes, but, like, I. I've had, like, three bombs in a row. If a doctor up three times in a row, I'm like, you got to get out.
- [04:50]
A
Just coming home, like, I bombed on that brain surgery.
- [04:54]
B
It was an easy one. They were. He was good, and I blew it.
- [04:58]
A
The other doctor went on. He crushed, and I came on and just killed the guy. True. That's a fair point. Yeah. They don't have to deal with metrics, I think.
- [05:05]
B
Just the. We always compare, and, like, it's different than it used to be. Like, you know, back in the day, you'd be trying to get something on Comedy Central, and there'd be, like, one spot. You're like, this is the. This is the white dude spot. If I don't get this, I suck. And you're like, shit. Then I'm on a lineup with, like, Norman Dan, Soda, Phil Hanley, all these, like, killer New York comics, you know?
- [05:25]
A
Yeah.
- [05:25]
B
Joe List and. But, you know, now it's like, it's kind of wide open.
- [05:30]
A
Yeah. No, it's true. Yeah, it does. And it sucks, too, because I will say, in comedy, the product is your, like, personality. So people are like, yeah, not for me. You're like, fuck you, dude. It's not like you're just selling insurance. Yeah, I don't really need that right now. It's like, yeah, I saw you. I'm good on you.
- [05:44]
B
And you're like, yeah, that's not my act. That's me. They said my name. That's when it would hurt. When you're like. They don't just, like, dislike you. Especially when you told you, like, I don't just dislike his act. I don't like him.
- [05:55]
A
Yeah, I hate that guy.
- [05:56]
B
Yeah, he sucks.
- [05:57]
A
It's a weird. I don't know. It is. I. It is funny. People, like, talking about, like, the Internet comments is always kind of people. But it is an interesting thing because you do have to deal with, like. Like, the way you're. I don't know how to put it, but that's the way you're. Like, your body has, like, cells. There's just, like, a million comments about you, and you can start getting into them, and it is. I don't know. I think it is funny. It's a fun thing to like. I used to get real whacked out. I'd read them like, just like, fuck this guy. Fuck. Who the fuck is this guy? Now I'm like, you never can tell because sometimes it'll be something that actually is accurate. And you're like, fuck, that's actually true. And that's painful to realize. Then it's like, you get like, you suck. I love you. And then you get, like, opposing views that you have to somehow just choose. Like, which one do I actually believe?
- [06:39]
B
I know. You're like, I am a dumbass with one eyebrow. He nailed it. Every once in a while. Yeah, but you Know if you believe the good stuff, then you're crazy too.
- [06:49]
A
I know that's, that's a problem, dude. I don't believe any of it. I just wait till I find something negative and I just feel the sting of that. I go, that's enough for today. And I just go about my day. And I go, fucking, you gotta.
- [06:59]
B
Also, I mean, I know comics who are like. I remember a comic friend of mine got this, like, great write up in the New York Times. And I called him like, dude, this is amazing. And he was just like, nah, they're gonna. This is like, right before they turn on me. Like, he couldn't enjoy it at all. He was like, nah, they're gonna, this is like, they're calling me. Great. So it's like, people are gonna be like, this guy sucks.
- [07:18]
A
Yeah. Or they're gonna dig out some skeleton from my past. That'd be. Yeah.
- [07:22]
B
I don't think this guy has any skeletons. I think he's, like, pretty well like this guy, but he just like. Yeah. I don't know.
- [07:27]
A
Damn. Damn, dude. Dude, I was, I did want to talk to you about this. I. So you know about the Diddy stuff, obviously.
- [07:33]
B
Sure. Everyone that was there, it was great.
- [07:36]
A
He sucked my dick. Do you. So he did. He's now crying that it's unfair that the owner of Abercrombie is not getting as much he's out on bail while Diddy is not out on bail. And he apparently. I didn't get a time. I didn't get enough time to look into it, like, the details of it, but he was apparently running, like, a sex trafficking thing in the.
- [07:56]
B
I mean, you can tell by the stores, right? That dude.
- [07:58]
A
That's what I'm saying.
- [07:58]
B
You just walked in there, you're like, this should not be okay. Right? These poor damn employees.
- [08:02]
A
Well, they used to have teenage shirtless teenage boys outside of their store while running a. I think it was primarily a gay sex trafficking ring.
- [08:10]
B
Yeah.
- [08:10]
A
Which is crazy, dude.
- [08:12]
B
In the open bas. I mean, I, I, I remember walking in there and being, like, uncomfortable and having to leave.
- [08:16]
A
Yeah, dude. I remember my. I like high school girlfriends be like, let's go to Ab Crom. And I like, walk past, like, a hot dude with his shirt off and be like, you, dude. Walking like, I'm not buying any of this. It was. Yeah.
- [08:27]
B
We were so mean to them. But, like, looking back, that dude was probably getting railed.
- [08:31]
A
Yeah.
- [08:31]
B
So we, like, we were in the wrong.
- [08:33]
A
I thought they were getting a ton of pussy. Turns out, yeah, they Were just like blowing old men.
- [08:36]
B
They were the pussy.
- [08:37]
A
They were the. But yeah, it was crazy. That guy is apparently running. He was running a thing like Diddy. Whereas, like, all kinds of crazy manipulation and deception and sex trafficking and whatever.
- [08:47]
B
But that's the way to do it. If you're doing that because you're like, well, this is so out in the open. You think I would just flaunt it if I were actually doing.
- [08:53]
A
True.
- [08:54]
B
But then you. He was. Because Diddy was more like. It was more like a VIP vibe. Like you only, you know.
- [08:59]
A
Yeah.
- [09:00]
B
And you know, of course, someone with all these celebrities, you wouldn't be doing something like this. The word would get out.
- [09:07]
A
Yeah, true.
- [09:07]
B
But, you know, I don't. I don't know how it works. If they had like, NDAs or something there.
- [09:12]
A
I think they just try to get dirt on you. I think that the deal is you try to get dirt on them first and then you're like, real. I don't know. Because that is. I'd be so nervous. Imagine if you were running, like a sex trafficking. Like you were. Imagine if last night you just drugged.
- [09:25]
B
I'm already stressed. I can't imagine. I'm already like. I feel like I'm on the road. I can't imagine, like, that guilt level where you're just like, I have a sex trafficking ring.
- [09:34]
A
You like. Yeah, you GHB the guy opening for you. You him, and then you like four ladies and you just woke up and I got. I gotta do a meeting for my vodka. It's crazy.
- [09:44]
B
Damn. Yeah. What's gonna happen to Ciroc?
- [09:46]
A
I think someone else bought it. Ah, yeah.
- [09:48]
B
I think someone else tainted, though, because I did think of Diddy. When I think of it.
- [09:51]
A
Yeah, that's what I would think. I would drink Ciroc and have a good time thinking about Diddy having fun times. But now I'm just like. But no, I think. I think they. Some people try to say that that was the whole thing to get him off of the board. Because they were saying, like, they were like liquor billionaires who didn't want him. He wasn't like, playing ball. It'd be like liquor Ticketmaster being like, you're not playing ball and they're trying.
- [10:12]
B
To claim you're not playing ball. You have a sex trafficking ring. Back in the day in, like, Hollywood, they would have morality clauses in the contracts for, like, these young starlets. So they'd be like, you know, a young actress would be like, fucking a married guy and they'd be like, Nah, you gotta. You gotta shut that down. We invested at you here at MGM or whatever.
- [10:28]
A
Yeah.
- [10:28]
B
So, you know, it's like, it's really funny how, you know, back then it was like, don't. Infidelity is bad. Now it's like, don't fuck kids.
- [10:36]
A
Yeah. Don't, please. It's.
- [10:37]
B
You know, it's changed.
- [10:39]
A
It does ruin it. It does ruin a brand. The Catholic Church was the only institution that was like. Their adherents were like, come on.
- [10:46]
B
It's a branding error.
- [10:47]
A
Every big company has some bad guys.
- [10:50]
B
Subway, it's lost some luster.
- [10:53]
A
It has.
- [10:54]
B
And they could have gone with that Clay Henry guy. Remember Clay Henry back in the day?
- [10:57]
A
No. Who was that?
- [10:58]
B
He was the other one. It was like, Jared and Clay Henry. They brought in, like, a 1B character.
- [11:02]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [11:03]
B
Like, he got real big on burgers and fries, but now he's down to a smaller size.
- [11:07]
A
So they brought another guy in.
- [11:08]
B
Yeah, he was a fireman, too. Like, he could have made them.
- [11:11]
A
He could have made him look good, loved his wife.
- [11:13]
B
He was probably a good guy. But then, yeah, they went Jared and look, we can't deny Jared had an impact.
- [11:19]
A
He had the sauce.
- [11:20]
B
In the story of just walking and eating, he, like, I walked to Subway and I. And I ate sandwiches, and I lost. And you're like, that's not true. But we all bought it because they're idiots.
- [11:30]
A
When he pulls those pants out, you're like, who can argue with that? That guy's pants were so much bigger. He was circling school zones. Shark, dude.
- [11:37]
B
He lost the weight. Just getting his cardio and going from one from one kindergarten to the other.
- [11:43]
A
Did you see the documentary about him?
- [11:45]
B
I haven't. Is it good?
- [11:46]
A
It is. It's amazing.
- [11:47]
B
I got to watch it.
- [11:48]
A
It is. Dude. He was way more sinister than you think. Like, he. Apparently. So the reason that whole story broke, he went to a school assembly. He was going to assemblies in schools and, like, at the height of his, you know, prime or whatever, and he.
- [12:03]
B
Would talk to kids like, he's Barry Sanders in his prime.
- [12:06]
A
But he. He was in a school auditorium, and he was with a lady who, like, was like, the local news lady, and they did, like, a little speech. He was like, kids, you got to eat healthy, blah, blah, blah. And she was doing her thing. And then he went and sat down. He goes, God damn it, I'd love to one of these kids just to the lady, and she was like, what? What? This is all according to her. She was the one who broke the story. And then so she.
- [12:26]
B
That was a heat check moment for him that he was like, man, I'm getting away with this for so long. Let me see, let me see. Because that's what they do. They like. It's like serial killer shit where they're like. They'll go back to the scene of the crime. It's like that cockiness.
- [12:39]
A
Yeah.
- [12:39]
B
Of getting away with it.
- [12:40]
A
I mean, dude, yes, for sure. But it was like. It's such a weird thing to do because then I guess he was putting a feeler out for her because then she. This is where it's kind of suspect for her. But she was like. She was a, you know, journalist, so she's like, I want to kind of get. This is a huge story. If this guy potentially really wants to fuck his. Or if he's just like fucking around. It is the funniest guy ever to like step down like that. I want to one of these kids. But then she started like, pretending to be his girlfriend and they just drew.
- [13:05]
B
All this get stuff out of him.
- [13:06]
A
Get stuff out of him. And I don't think she ever said she had sex with him, but she would be like. They would have like phone sex where she'd be like, what were you talking about? And he was like, I just think I want to. You. And he like admitted to doing it. And like the. His manager and him were kid like. And then like, it all culminates and she's having.
- [13:22]
B
Imagine finding you have that in common with your manager. That's such a weird because I always like pump my. My agents a Knicks fan. But like, I mean, you're like, you're into that. Great.
- [13:34]
A
Yeah.
- [13:34]
B
This.
- [13:34]
A
It's a funny icebreaker to like, see kids. Like, man, kids, man, they say the funniest things. You see the switch on that kid? Actually. Yo, bro. I was actually gonna bring it up. You do really have to ease into that. But that's a good looking kid. Kid's cute.
- [13:50]
B
If you were into that kiss.
- [13:52]
A
Really cute. You're like, I think that kid's really cute too. Eventually you're like, I'm so glad we met. But dude, she. It all culminates in she has a birthday party for her own kids and uses them as bait.
- [14:06]
B
Yeah.
- [14:07]
A
And it's like. He's like. She's like, my kid's coming. I'm so into this. Oh my God. I want. And he's like, I'm gonna come. Your kid at the birthday party. She's like, sweet, perfect, and she's working with.
- [14:15]
B
So she has a Kid? Yes.
- [14:17]
A
I think she had, like, two. And she was using them as bait. And she even went to the.
- [14:20]
B
He was using her for these kids. Worked both ways.
- [14:23]
A
Let's quit, Proko. Yeah, but he. But she, like, went to the FBI. Like, dude, I had this guy on tape saying he fudges kids. And they're like, you're not. That's illegal. You're not allowed to record him like that. And that's why they set up the birthday party. And she had, like, a wire on and everything. She's like. He was like. Basically wanted a kid, which is monstrous, on the kid's birthday, to be like, I'm gonna come to his birthday party after he opens his presents, and I'm gonna smash. And it was like, damn, bro.
- [14:44]
B
That is a bad birthday.
- [14:46]
A
That is a bad birthday. That's a bad man. And then. But yeah, eventually, like, he kind of gets cold feet, but then they get him anyway. He likes cops at the crime. He like, dude, he was a monster, dude.
- [14:56]
B
Crazy.
- [14:56]
A
Yeah, he was that bad. He was like. And he claimed it was because he lost so much weight that then his appetite for food just, like, transferred to kids. That's what. That was his claim. He was like, it's not my fault when you lose weight like I did, you come hypersexual. And he's like, I just wanted to start kids. Like, damn.
- [15:14]
B
So Subway really is bad.
- [15:15]
A
Yeah, Subway.
- [15:16]
B
I mean, you're like, yeah.
- [15:17]
A
He should have been blaming on the hoagies. Like, those hoagies, dude, I never wanted to.
- [15:21]
B
That bread, dude.
- [15:22]
A
Bread me.
- [15:23]
B
That's not real bread. I knew Subway wasn't be trusted when they claimed that was avocado. Dude.
- [15:28]
A
True. That was.
- [15:29]
B
Yeah, that's not avocado. Yeah.
- [15:30]
A
It made me want to fuck. Yeah. But, dude, he got. Yeah, he. I like, explained that documentary at, like, a fight. Like, someone brought it up, like, jokingly. And I'm like, you know the real story. I gave, like, they were people's lives. Like, dude, please stop. I don't want to talk about this kid getting just battened down at his birthday party.
- [15:46]
B
It is tough when you bring that to. You gotta. You got to know the audience for that.
- [15:49]
A
I know. I. It was like a nice campfire setting. We're all sitting around, people are having, like, sangria. And I'm like, you know he was going to fuck a kid at his birthday party. They're like, all right, that's enough of that. I was like, I'm sorry, but it's.
- [16:00]
B
Tough because it's been Pushed into the mainstream. Like, it is a Netflix thing or hbo.
- [16:05]
A
Yeah.
- [16:05]
B
Yeah. And so it is tough when you're like, you know, you're just hanging out at, like, a nice little party. You get a skewer in your hand. You're like JonBenet Ramsey.
- [16:13]
A
You see that?
- [16:14]
B
It's crazy.
- [16:15]
A
Yeah, true. Yeah. It has been pushed in. Like, the heinous murders are. They're like, great. That stuff never ends. Heinous murder footage is like. People love that.
- [16:22]
B
It's endless. I mean, the CEO from fucking UnitedHealthcare. You saw that yesterday.
- [16:29]
A
What happened with that?
- [16:30]
B
I mean, a guy with a silencer. Talk about bad branding. They got him in Starbucks right before.
- [16:35]
A
What?
- [16:36]
B
Yeah, he's. Have they got him on camera and Starbucks ordering a coffee.
- [16:39]
A
What do you get?
- [16:40]
B
I don't know. Definitely not tea. Yeah, no, no, not a tea drinker. That's. You need some caffeine to pull out an execution.
- [16:46]
A
Yeah, he's like a caramel macchiato. Well, maybe a refresher. Maybe I like a watermelon citrus refresher. Just carried out. He went to Starbuck before he murdered him.
- [16:54]
B
Yeah, that's. Run with that. If you're Duncan True. Run with that story. Like, we. Hey, we don't.
- [16:59]
A
We don't sell to guys like that.
- [17:01]
B
We don't like that. That's bad stuff.
- [17:04]
A
That would be funny. Just call it, like, murder juice. Like, yeah, get your murder. We don't sell murder.
- [17:08]
B
Well, they had the Murder ball, remember? Or the Medicine ball. I'm it up. That was. By the way. We're such idiots. We're like, it's a secret menu thing. The Medicine Ball. When you're sick.
- [17:15]
A
What is it?
- [17:15]
B
It's just sugar. It's just, like, probably awful for you when you're sick, but it's like. Like, tart enough that you're like, ah, it's helping my throat.
- [17:22]
A
Wait, Starbucks has a secret medicinal beverage?
- [17:25]
B
Yeah, it's called the medicine. Is it in the medicine bowl? What do they call now? Something herbal? Something. But it's just, like, lemonade and a shitload of honey. And it's probably just an insane amount of sugar. And you think it's helping because of all the honey, but it doesn't do.
- [17:39]
A
Yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go puke on a Starbucks counter and be like, I need the. I need the medicine ball.
- [17:45]
B
It's. Yeah, that's. You got to be pissed if you're. If you're. If you're Howard Schultz.
- [17:51]
A
Bad for Starbucks. I mean, they definitely. They had their crate, they had their scandal. I think like three years ago, they like kicked the black guy out of there.
- [17:58]
B
Oof.
- [17:59]
A
Yeah, Starbucks. The employee kicked the black. He wasn't even buy anything. He was having a business meeting, talking business. And they.
- [18:04]
B
But they never kick anyone. It's a joke.
- [18:06]
A
I know. It was pretty nuts.
- [18:07]
B
That feels personal.
- [18:08]
A
It does feel personal.
- [18:09]
B
I go in there all the time to pee and I don't get anything.
- [18:11]
A
I'm in there, you're in there. You're trying to sign someone up to a pyramid scheme. Like, get the. We talk about a business opportunity and they fucking kick them out. And it was like a huge deal. It was in Philly.
- [18:21]
B
Damn.
- [18:22]
A
That Starbucks came under massive fire. And they had to come out and be like, you know, the CEO has to come out. Like, we don't. We don't like that at all.
- [18:27]
B
It's so stupid too, because they would do. They did that thing years ago at Starbucks where they're like, let's have a talk about race. Remember that ad campaign they did? And we're like, what are you. What are you doing?
- [18:36]
A
Because they kicked out a black guy, they had to do it.
- [18:38]
B
That's so stupid.
- [18:38]
A
Now they have murderers. Yeah, that's what happens. They're like, oh, they're kicking out black guys. I'm gonna get a coffee before I murder someone. This is a perfect place for me.
- [18:45]
B
Coffee does. It really is great.
- [18:47]
A
Drinking a coffee and murdering somebody would be pretty sick. Yeah, I think it'd be pretty nice. He's like, heart rates, pouncing as you go away. You're like, God damn, I shouldn't have had that second shot of espresso. That was too much. That was way too much, dude.
- [18:59]
B
Yeah, I'm freaking out. No, I also, I feel like just murdering someone would wake you up though.
- [19:04]
A
True.
- [19:04]
B
That would probably get your heart rate up. I also think, you know, I was a little annoyed that New York's getting bad PR though. I told you, New York's dangerous. I'm like, oh, we have to answer for this fucking psychopath.
- [19:14]
A
Yeah.
- [19:14]
B
I don't know where he's from.
- [19:16]
A
Yeah. And that's also not like, you know that. That's like a weird high level hitman crime.
- [19:21]
B
That's what they say. But then it doesn't look that professional because they find him on camera. And if you're a high level hitman, you're not going to Starbucks before.
- [19:28]
A
True.
- [19:28]
B
That's a weird move.
- [19:29]
A
True. Apple Pay. No. Yeah. When I say high level, I mean Just like killing a CEO is like a high level murder. You would think there was like some powerful interest behind it. Or maybe it was just a psycho attacking. I don't even know that guy.
- [19:43]
B
Who knows? I mean, it could be a guy who just got. Who's fucked over more than a health insurance company? You know, I mean, it's like, I feel like that's why Joker resonated with so many people. Because in the beginning he's getting fucked over by his insurance. So you're like, all right, whatever he does is kind of fine.
- [19:57]
A
That's true. No, that's true. I get a surgery the day before, like, you, like, your thing lapses and you got to pay fucking $90 million. You're like, you motherfucker.
- [20:05]
B
We've all been on hold with an insurance company. Like, what the fuck? Like, that's where you lose it.
- [20:11]
A
True.
- [20:11]
B
Because, you know, they always. I mean, also, it's like, it's a tough. I would. That's a job I would not want. CEO. You're making a shitload of money at the expense of a lot of people who are suffering.
- [20:23]
A
Yeah. And that's the whole point of insurance. You're taking in more money than you're paying out. So you have to make sure you have to try to pay out as little as possible.
- [20:30]
B
And it does feel like they're trying to you sometimes.
- [20:32]
A
They are. That's that they have to.
- [20:34]
B
Yeah.
- [20:34]
A
Their whole thing has to be. A lot of those places are like, they have like research about this. There's just like 40% or whatever people. If you're just like, yeah, sorry. No, they'll just be like, well, I guess I'm then. And then there's like another percentage of people who will actively follow up. But then you can be like, well, all right, we're gonna sue you. And like, all right, I'm not doing that. So there's like, only a small percentage of people will like, know the steps. Like, I gotta get a lawyer now. Like, nobody thinks about that. Or like, can afford a lawyer.
- [20:57]
B
And it's exhausting. They tire you out. If you're sick, you don't want to deal with making all these phone calls anyway. I mean. Yeah, I think about all the time the ways they. They pretend they're hooking you up. I was at a dermatologist once and like, you know, your insurance covers you like a free chemical peel. And I was like, why the would I want a chemical peel? And they're like, well, you get it for free. And I was like, maybe I want one, you know, it's free. But then they didn't cover the medication I needed. What? So it's like they cover. You don't need. It's like they. They know how to. You is my point.
- [21:26]
A
Yeah, they do. They're very. Again, it's their whole. It's the whole point of their operation is to take in more money and pay out less. And they're supposed to pay you out if bad things happen, but the way they can make more money is to not pay you out. And then if you don't know the steps, it's like, yeah, that guy's fucked.
- [21:40]
B
This feels political now. We're, like, standing back and we're just agreeing.
- [21:43]
A
I'm telling you, we are. Right. Well, that's a great point. That's a great point. I actually agree with that.
- [21:46]
B
We do have to do something about these health care companies.
- [21:48]
A
True. Yeah. That one guy, you know, not that much. That's too much. That was too damn.
- [21:54]
B
Well, that guy's a silencer, too. Is like. Like, it also makes you realize how desensitized.
- [21:58]
A
It's pretty pro hitman dude. Silencer, too.
- [22:00]
B
But you could just buy a silencer.
- [22:02]
A
Can you?
- [22:02]
B
I. I'm sure somewhere in America you tell me you can.
- [22:06]
A
True, true.
- [22:06]
B
It's not that hard to get a gun here.
- [22:07]
A
I thought they're. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Silencers aren't that illegal.
- [22:11]
B
I. I don't know.
- [22:11]
A
I mean, they have to be illegal. You can't wear a bulletproof vest. If you. If a cop sees you in a bulletproof vest, you can get, like, pull. They can stop you. Like, what the.
- [22:17]
B
I feel like if you're a CEO of a health insurance company, you should get to wear a bulletproof vest for a while. Like, a little while.
- [22:22]
A
That's how they say that's the best way to get away with killing somebody is opening the door. And as soon as they open, just blast them and walk away. Because you don't enter the house, you don't leave DNA evidence, but all the cities now are gridded with cameras. Like, you really can't do that.
- [22:35]
B
Yeah, it's weird. Like, we're, like, close to living in, like, a Minority Report type of world where, you know, it's like, how are you? It's amazing when people get away with murder. Like, that's why that JonBenet thing was so shocking. You know, it's like, in my head, I was like, well, I wonder who did it. I forgot. They didn't solve it.
- [22:50]
A
Oh, yeah, they didn't they didn't solve it.
- [22:51]
B
It's so shocking. You watch Forensic Files. I like the ones where they solve it, too. I don't like the true crime where they're just like, unsolved murders. It's so unsatisfying. You're like, there's a piece of shit who got away. But then you watch Forensic Files and they're like, thanks to DNA, we caught this guy.
- [23:05]
A
Got him every time.
- [23:05]
B
Yeah.
- [23:06]
A
Also, too. Whenever I watch that, they don't catch the guy. I'm like, he's definitely right outside my house right now. Rape me.
- [23:13]
B
I used to watch those. They'd be marathoning them on the road on, like, headline news and just be like, 40 forensic files in the road. I'd be watching, you know, in some motel on the side of the highway, just, like, opening my. Like, oh, fuck, why am I doing this to myself? Opening that dumb little curtain. You see meth heads.
- [23:28]
A
Oh, yeah. I still get scared. I get scared in hotels all the time.
- [23:32]
B
Really?
- [23:32]
A
Yeah. Like, I'll just hear, like, someone else's door. Bang. And I'm half asleep, and I'm like, someone's in my room. And I just, like. I look around, I'm like, dude, you're.
- [23:39]
B
Such a. I was leaving a hotel in Omaha a couple years ago, and there was a guy. It was like 4:00am early flight. You know, it's like a 6:00am flight out, and there was a guy just sitting on the floor in the hallway just, like, crying.
- [23:50]
A
Oh.
- [23:50]
B
And I was like, ah, you just don't want to even see. You just like, something bad happened.
- [23:54]
A
No, man. Yeah, you don't want to see that at all. That sucks. Would you just walk right by? Just wheel.
- [23:58]
B
Of course we're dealing with that guy. I'm going to chat him. What happened, buddy? Best case scenario, there's a dead hooker in that room, something bad.
- [24:07]
A
Yeah, true. Oh, God.
- [24:08]
B
Or a live one. And he. I don't know. Something bad happened, though.
- [24:11]
A
Yes. I was like, go in your room, dude. Don't fucking. That's what they're for. Go cry like everyone else does in your hotel room. Sit in the hallway.
- [24:18]
B
The public crying is. And like, in New York, I don't mind it as much because that city's supposed to break you, but when you see it in, like, a smaller town, you kind of like, something sinister just occurred.
- [24:27]
A
Oh, my. Yeah, true, true. Yeah. Oh, man.
- [24:30]
B
Oh, man. Ryan Hamilton, my friend, has a joke was like, new York's the only city where you just see people openly weeping.
- [24:34]
A
You see It a lot there. Yeah, I. I could see that. I do.
- [24:38]
B
I guess. Other cities, I guess Philly, too.
- [24:40]
A
Nah.
- [24:41]
B
Yeah. Austin, I think. Big cities. You'll see it.
- [24:43]
A
I did a month sublet in New York because I, like, thought about moving there, like, a long time ago. And I was like, man, get the out of here. I went right back to Philadelphia.
- [24:50]
B
Really?
- [24:50]
A
Oh, my. I couldn't do it.
- [24:51]
B
But how do. The Philly to Austin is an interesting move because it is. It's such a different pace, you know?
- [24:57]
A
Yeah. Yeah. I just. For me, I had kids, and once, like, when I had the kids, I'm like, I wanted to get out of Philly anyway. And then I was, like, thinking about moving to, like, the outside of Philly suburbs. I had this, like, whole. It was. It would have been a bad plan. I was looking at this, like, plot of land that turned out to be like a floodplain. It was bad. And I was like, I'd be an hour from every airport, and, like, there was no way I could do stand up there. I was like, I'll make it work. And then I was talking to Shane. He's like, you want to go to Austin? I was like, yeah, please. That would solve all my problems. Thank you. That'd be the best thing ever, because that way it's, like, a decent quality of life and for, like, kids and stuff. And you can just do stand up every night if you want.
- [25:29]
B
Yeah, the club is good, man. The mothership's cool.
- [25:31]
A
It is good motherfuckership.
- [25:33]
B
It makes me a little nervous how many people are always there. I don't like to, because I want to do new stuff, and I don't want to. Just like. You see these people every few months for me, some visiting. I'm like, I don't want them to see me bombing.
- [25:44]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [25:44]
B
I like. I like the bomb in the shadows.
- [25:46]
A
It's true. True. It is an intimidating green room, too. And it's like. It's just that long oak table. There's 40 fucking people. And it's like. Like, yeah. I was silent for the first, like, five months. I would just sit there and just.
- [25:55]
B
Be like, it's hardcore. It's like a weird health movement. But also, everyone's smoking cigarettes in there. I know I did the smelling salt.
- [26:03]
A
I. Dude, I don't understand why.
- [26:04]
B
I don't know why I did it. Rogan's like, oh, yeah, they're good. They'll help you. No one tells me not to put them right to my face. I thought I was dying. Because I've had allergic reactions before. And I was like. I was like, oh. And Joe's like. He's like, are you okay? And I'm like. I'm like, God, I'm such a.
- [26:20]
A
No, it's ammonia. That's right. Your body is. You're just smelling ammonia. And I don't know why everybody does it.
- [26:25]
B
I saw. I think I saw Josh Allen or some football player do it on tv. And I was like, oh, I should get me jazzed up for a set. And then I tried it, and I was like, yeah, if you're, like, a pro athlete, it seems kind of cool. But I. I'm not. I'm a. I'm a. You know, I'm a whiny who just.
- [26:40]
A
Was like, there's better ways to get lightheaded. It's all. Getting lightheaded is cool, but it's like, you're just. I don't understand. I see dudes back there just ripping them, and I'm like, dude, you guys just telling me you love smelling ammonia like that? Like, just drink some coffee. Do anything else.
- [26:54]
B
Coffee's a move.
- [26:55]
A
Yeah. Do anything.
- [26:56]
B
I saw a bartender once say to someone, she goes, do you have any Red Bull? He goes, we don't carry Red Bull. You want to. You want caffeine buzz? We'll give you coffee. And I was like, wow. The way he said it was so cool. I think about all the time, just.
- [27:06]
A
Keeping the caffeine buzz.
- [27:08]
B
He's like, fuck Red Bull bullshit out.
- [27:10]
A
Of my fucking face. I drank a rock star last year because I was, like, tired, and I was like. I just. I was at the super bowl with Shane. I was like, I'm gonna. I was. I was. I don't drink that much, so I was, like, hungover from the day before. I'm a total pussy.
- [27:22]
B
Oh, with him, it's impossible not to be hungover, dude.
- [27:25]
A
I was dying.
- [27:26]
B
You can't be a casual drinker around Shane. You can't have. You either are sober or you have 14. You can't have two.
- [27:32]
A
There's no middle ground. I. That night, I had, like, a lot. And the next day, I'm just struggling. I'm like, oh. So I was like, let me get a rock star, dude. I thought. I felt like I was on meth. I. I drank, like, half a rock star. And I was like, I gotta go home, guys. And I was, like, laid in my hotel room, like, oh, I felt terrible.
- [27:46]
B
Oh, dude, I hate that.
- [27:47]
A
I wish somebody stopped me and said, you want a caffeine buzz. Have a coffee. There's in that stuff. I don't know what it is.
- [27:53]
B
Even gas station coffee.
- [27:54]
A
I like.
- [27:55]
B
I, I just like coffee. I ritual of the coffee. The, the, you know, the energy drinks. I remember drinking, you know, when you're young, comic barking and stuff. I need energy. I'll drink a seven hour energy. And I'm like, even then you're like, this is. We haven't heard from them in a while. Lord knows what the was in that.
- [28:11]
A
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the five hour when they do the shot real quick.
- [28:14]
B
But then it turned into like seven hour. Oh, it was like that something about Mary scene where he's like six minute abs and he's just like, what if someone did five and he's like, no, but they went the other way.
- [28:23]
A
Dam they bumped up seven minute energy.
- [28:25]
B
Yeah, that. I think it was seven, wasn't it seven hour energy? I think they kept bumping it up.
- [28:30]
A
It makes sense. It's also, it is a. It is funny to just like the term energy just got like appropriated into being like, you're just rattling. You're just like hitting yourself with stimulants. It's like, no, I have energy right now. It's like, no, dude, you're just. Your fucking brain's wired on stimulants.
- [28:45]
B
Yeah, well, I was listening to your podcast where you're talking about, you know, just sleep and how important sleep is and you're like, oh my God, we do. We'll do anything but the thing we're supposed to do.
- [28:55]
A
I know sleep is the thing, dude. I, it's. I, I fought it for a long time because I would get into coffee. I'm like super sensitive to caffeine. So I, if I drink caffeine in the morning, I'm. I for real have seven hour energy.
- [29:06]
B
But do you take naps during the day ever?
- [29:08]
A
If I drink caffeine, I can't take naps. So what I try to do, I like just white knuckle through a morning, then I won't have coffee, but I will take a nap in the middle of the day and it's like, dude, you feel so good.
- [29:18]
B
I've. I've never been able to do it. I can't. Sometimes I'll just like, I'll be so tired that I just, just fall asleep early or something. But like, I, dude, I can't nap. I drink too much caffeine.
- [29:27]
A
That's the problem. I. If I have caffeine, no nap. Or I'll take a up nap where I Wake up. Like, oh. Like, oh. But it's like, yeah.
- [29:36]
B
How about the melatonin stuff? I hate that, dude.
- [29:38]
A
I tried it, and then someone told me it shrinks your balls. And I'm like, really? They hit me with the yellow five. They're like, yo, you're. That stuff shrinks your balls. And I was like, nah, I'm not doing it. So I was taking it on the road.
- [29:46]
B
Why does it shrink your balls?
- [29:48]
A
I don't know, Andrew. Huberman said it. Someone said, really? Huberman said that? And I was like, all right, fair enough. He's gotta be right. He's. Dude, he's got to know about that.
- [29:56]
B
He seems like he knows a lot of stuff.
- [29:58]
A
He's using them, bro. So he's got to know he's using his balls a lot. So that guy knows. He's keyed in on the ball research.
- [30:04]
B
Yeah. The melatonin gives you nightmares. I feel like, you know.
- [30:07]
A
Yeah, you get. I would take it. I started around with it on the road because I'd be like, you know, I'd be. Different time zones. I get off stage, and as soon as I get back to my room to swallow melatonin, wishing it was just cyanide just right in my throat, and I would, like, sit there and read a book, and all of a sudden, you do get, like, really heavy.
- [30:22]
B
Yeah. You ever taken it before melatonin? Yeah, I. Yeah, I have. I have, like, a powder. This stuff I try sometimes called Beam. And it's like, okay. It's got all kinds. Got magnesium.
- [30:33]
A
Podcast sponsors.
- [30:34]
B
Yeah, they sent it to me, and I. And they sponsored the podcast.
- [30:36]
A
I had it, too.
- [30:37]
B
And I. And I was like. I started buying it because they. I was like, give me some more that video. Like, they pulled their sponsorship. I was like, fuck it. I'll buy it.
- [30:43]
A
Like, they strung out like Elvis.
- [30:45]
B
But, yeah, no, I. So that I. But I would get nightmares. I would wake up, like, sweating, like, what the. I have nightmares every night. And I'd be like, that can't be good sleep.
- [30:54]
A
No, yeah. Yeah, that's. I took it one time. Like, I was like, I'll just take it at, like, 6pm Just get, like, ready for this sleep. I didn't realize how hard that hits you. I did the same thing, the bean powder. And I was, like, getting something for my kid. And I was like, what the. And it just, like, hit me out of nowhere, and I was like, oh. But, yeah, I. It does. The melatonin works. But, yeah, it's one of those things where it's like, it's just.
- [31:14]
B
But does it work? Because they're like, we're not feeling refreshed, right?
- [31:17]
A
Yeah, I. Well, I was like, tracking. I was like psycho tracking my sleep at the time. And I would get like, more deep sleep from it, but I really. Yeah, but it's like, addictive, dude. Then like, next thing you know, every night I'm like, I should take a little melatonin tonight. And I was just like. But I've heard that it's not. When they say like 2, 3 milligrams, 5 milligrams, it could be like, anywhere from like 25 to 1. Like, it's way off.
- [31:39]
B
How the do they get away with it?
- [31:40]
A
I don't know. It's like, who the hell is going back and forth and analyzing it? So. And they could say, like, these products in like, tiny print, like, may or may. But I've heard that that's also from the tiny.
- [31:49]
B
Hate. Hate tiny print.
- [31:51]
A
I know it's so they.
- [31:52]
B
You.
- [31:52]
A
It's bullshit. But yeah, you. Every hubs is way against the melatonin. And then I heard the thing about, like, being 20 mil. I'm like, whatever. And he's like, it shrinks your balls. I'm like, that's say less, brother.
- [32:03]
B
Are smaller balls that bad, though? Who cares?
- [32:06]
A
Yeah, but you don't want to get them shrunken. That's the problem. It's like, what the. It just. Anything that can shrink your ball, it isn't that big of a problem when you think about it. But like. Like just having them.
- [32:14]
B
Dick's looking a little bigger. That's true.
- [32:16]
A
That's actually.
- [32:16]
B
There's some. There's some stuff going on.
- [32:18]
A
You're sleeping great.
- [32:18]
B
You're sleeping well.
- [32:20]
A
Yeah, it's not a bad point.
- [32:21]
B
But there is something about them being. It feels less manly. I guess. Big balls is a good thing. That's what they say.
- [32:27]
A
Yeah, exactly. And it just. There's something about something you're eating, shrinking your ball. Like, dude, the yellow five. As soon as I found out about that, I was terrified. Back in the day, like, yeah, you know that.
- [32:35]
B
What's the yellow five?
- [32:36]
A
Never heard. Yellow five shrinks your balls. Just a food dye. It's like the yellow 5 food dial or whatever the fuck it was called. But they were like, you're best off.
- [32:43]
B
Just eating as naturally as possible. Like, you know, that's the thing. Like when you. When you travel for work and you're waking up at weird hours, like, you're eating weird.
- [32:51]
A
Yeah.
- [32:51]
B
You're Sleeping badly. Like, it just adds up.
- [32:54]
A
You usually shitting. Not the best either.
- [32:57]
B
A bad gas station. Shit. There's something about that where you're like, all right, there's something dark. Yeah.
- [33:03]
A
Especially the worst. The bathroom looks to just shitting in it. You're just like, dude, how did I get here? This is terrible. Someone definitely just shot up.
- [33:10]
B
Oh, everything's like a little less healthy when you go like in New York, you can eat pretty, pretty healthy. But then the diner has been destroyed in New York because the, you know, rent is so damn expensive. So you're like, I just spent 22 on three scrambled eggs.
- [33:23]
A
I know it's in the same.
- [33:24]
B
But then you go on the road and just the little things that you don't think about where you're like, all right, they put like a fucking bucket of butter on my toast.
- [33:31]
A
Yeah.
- [33:31]
B
You know, this is like the hash browns a little crispier. Tastes. Everything tastes great. But you're like, man, I don't have the energy I had after this meal that I normally have, you know?
- [33:40]
A
No, dude, I get, I, I, I'm almost pre diabetic now. I was traveling a lot, eating out. I thought I was pretty healthy.
- [33:46]
B
You look healthy. You look like a gym guy.
- [33:48]
A
Ah, dude, I was going, I was working out everything, but I was eating so much food when I was like, it's like, dude, I'm like getting the.
- [33:54]
B
Restaurant because you need something, you need a win on the road. Sometimes you have a bad set or something or you're like, just like, the anxiety.
- [34:01]
A
You need to do some. I need to do something somewhat self destructive. And it's like, you know, and you.
- [34:05]
B
Don'T drink, and you don't drink at all.
- [34:06]
A
And I, you know, I have not cheated on my wife, so I'm like, that's, I'm left with nothing but overeating. So I'm like, well, I have to overeat. So I would just pig out. And like, I, dude, I just.
- [34:15]
B
For all the vices you have though, as long as you don't go diabetic. But like, that's not the worst.
- [34:20]
A
Well, now I get to reverse it. Now I get to have a health journey where I can be like, guys, I, you know, I was at 5.7 a 1c. Now I'm gonna try to get down. I kind of was happy to learn about that. I was like, oh, cool. This is like a cool thing.
- [34:30]
B
Now it's another chapter.
- [34:31]
A
Yeah, exactly. It's like something I can do and if I can actually get it down under Control. That'll be kind of fun to be like. I got mine down. 5.7 is the beginning range of pre diabetes. Like. Like, I'm at the door. I'm on the doorstep.
- [34:42]
B
Damn.
- [34:42]
A
My dad has.
- [34:43]
B
Don't go in.
- [34:43]
A
I know that's. But no, I'm. Dude, I have.
- [34:45]
B
Dad is type two.
- [34:46]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [34:46]
B
Is he overweight or. No, he was.
- [34:48]
A
He's, like, lost. Yeah, he's got, like, a beer belly. But he also, like. Dude, he, like. I worked with him for a while, and we would do. He was a demolition, and we would. On the way home from work, he would drink a milkshake every day.
- [34:58]
B
Yeah.
- [34:58]
A
That's how he rocked. It was like four soft pretzels and a milkshake every day on the way home. And I'm like, dude, I'm just eating too much rice. How the. Am I pre diabetic? This is. That's nonsense.
- [35:07]
B
A milkshake. I haven't had one of those in forever.
- [35:09]
A
Dude, I. I've never seen anyone do that. Because we were doing a thing where you burn steel, and it was. I forget that. Galvanized steel. So it's cover coated in zinc, which, like, I don't know, protects it against rust or something. So when you burn the steel, there was this thing. They'd be like, yeah, you got to get your calcium. So it's like calcium somehow traps zinc. This was all like, like, so that.
- [35:28]
B
Turned into a milkshake.
- [35:29]
A
Yeah. Then he was like, we need milkshakes. It's like, so we're helping. We can stay.
- [35:33]
B
This will help. McFlurries will help us if we. I think the last time I had one, we had Bill Burr in our podcast, and we. It's a drinking pod. So we were like, Norman's like, he doesn't drink. We should do. He likes milkshakes. And I'm like, all right. So we're like, we got to get Bill burn a good mood. So it was like, milkshakes and cigars was the trick.
- [35:49]
A
That's kind of nice.
- [35:49]
B
And it was. It was a great combo.
- [35:51]
A
Yeah. That's awesome.
- [35:52]
B
I mean, of course, two nice things. Of course they, you know, but they don't always work together.
- [35:57]
A
You know, they never. I don't think anyone besides my dad actually does milkshakes.
- [36:01]
B
It was nice.
- [36:02]
A
That is awesome. How do you like that?
- [36:03]
B
He was in a good mood.
- [36:05]
A
Nice.
- [36:05]
B
We were. We were. He, you know, you just don't want to rattle him. He's Bill Burr, so. Yeah. But at first we were like, you know, he was like, I'm. This time to. This time, I have a hard out. Like, whatever you need. We had a friend waiting in the hallway to do the next episode. And then at, like, you know, 4:15, his out was 4. He were like, we got to get out of here. Right? He's like, no, I don't. He's just, like, hanging out. We're like, all right. I got a text from Mateo Lane. Like, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
- [36:26]
A
That's cool.
- [36:27]
B
It's Bill Burr, you know?
- [36:28]
A
Yeah, that's. That would suck. Just absolutely drawing his ire and just having him just being like, fuck you.
- [36:33]
B
He. How's your milkshake, Bill?
- [36:35]
A
I just wanted you to have fun.
- [36:36]
B
If you want to piss him off, just tell him the Patriots super bowl doesn't count where Marshawn lynch should have run it.
- [36:43]
A
That's a good point.
- [36:44]
B
He screamed at me for, like, 15 minutes straight.
- [36:46]
A
Really?
- [36:46]
B
Yeah.
- [36:46]
A
You could get him on the vax, too. He's super. He's super smart. Freaked out on the vax.
- [36:51]
B
That'd be fine.
- [36:52]
A
But you got backs. That would. That would.
- [36:55]
B
That would piss him off. I'm not looking to piss him off.
- [36:57]
A
No, I wouldn't either. Yeah, I never call him Bill Fisber, but no, that's. I would not want that guy on my ass. That would suck.
- [37:05]
B
No.
- [37:06]
A
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I try to get dressed up really cute and show my wife and say, hey, check me out. Do you want to suck me or fucking what?
- [42:51]
B
Whoo.
- [42:52]
A
Are you going to Give this gift frame to definitely my mom. That's. I'm gonna give this gift to my mommy. And if that's not personal enough, you can even upload a video message to play on the frames as soon as they plug it in so the first thing they hear is your voice and how much you love them. Or the ISIS beheading video you want to send your mom. Save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get 35 off Aura's best selling carver mat frames by using promo code MSSP at checkout. That's a U R A frames.com promo code MSSP. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays. Terms and conditions do apply. That would fucking suck, dude. We were talking about bathrooms. I read a thing today saying there's. Now they're saying you got to check if you're at, like, a public bathroom. You got to open the thing and look into the toilet roll. Because people using, like, you know, IV using drug needles for drugs, heroin, whatever, are taking their syringe and just, like, sticking it, using that paper towel roll to, like, clean off the needle. And he showed a picture, and it was just like, little poke holes with just blood. Like, little, like, blood spots everywhere.
- [43:57]
B
That sucks, because you already don't want to in a public restroom.
- [44:00]
A
I know, dude.
- [44:00]
B
And now you got to worry about a needle.
- [44:02]
A
Dude. Yeah. For real. I don't know why the guy was like, women should be more concerned than men. It's like, all right, I'll take it.
- [44:08]
B
But it's like, yeah, no, I'm not thrilled either the hell.
- [44:11]
A
But it's like, dude. Yeah. I don't know what the rationale. Maybe vaginas absorb. I don't know.
- [44:15]
B
But it's like, well, I'm doing the tour bus for the whole thing, so. It's a lot of public restroom shitting.
- [44:20]
A
Yeah.
- [44:20]
B
Because you're like, you know, you can't poop on that bus.
- [44:22]
A
Yeah.
- [44:23]
B
You're not allowed to. So next day, you know, either the rec center, we go a little. Play a little ball, or we, you know, that's kind of nice. Go to get. Yeah, poop there or poop it there.
- [44:31]
A
Yeah. Open the thing and just look. Even if you don't see blood, but if you see little poke holes, that means people are cleaning their needles off in the. You know, maybe it's some Internet bullshit, but I saw the picture. I was like, that actually does make sense.
- [44:41]
B
It bugs me, too, that these, like, heroin addicts are, like, worried about Germs.
- [44:45]
A
Yeah, true.
- [44:46]
B
Yeah. Like, just do heroin.
- [44:48]
A
Yeah, man. Also, yeah. It's like, you're worried about germs. You're taking toilet paper before the paper roll. I'm like, let me clean this off.
- [44:53]
B
Yeah. That annoys me.
- [44:55]
A
Yeah. It was funny in Philly when they gave. We had, like. There's like, an. I'm sure you've seen the thing of, like, Kensington Avenue where it's like, just kna. And there's guys, like, everyone's standing outside. Do you ever see, like, that on YouTube?
- [45:05]
B
What is that?
- [45:06]
A
In Kensington Ave. In Philadelphia, it's like, one of the biggest heroin markets, like, I think in the country. It's like skid row. It's not as big as skid row, but it is just the people outside, tents, like, zombified, standing out there.
- [45:17]
B
It'll shock you that, I mean, this country, man, like, everywhere. Every downtown now has that.
- [45:22]
A
Yeah. Except for Irvine. I was just in Irvine recently. They have zero homeless people.
- [45:25]
B
They got rid of them all.
- [45:26]
A
They do. They. In Irvine, they offer you a bed, and if you say no to the bed, they put you on a bus and there's. They're like, out of here. I swear, that's like. That's their policy. Yeah.
- [45:34]
B
Rudy Giuliani did that back in the day in New York City.
- [45:36]
A
Really?
- [45:36]
B
Yeah. They got rid of the homeless people. Well, they sent him on a train to where? I think to the West Coast.
- [45:42]
A
Damn.
- [45:42]
B
So he probably sent him to Irvine, and then they were like, you go back that way. What happened? Yeah, no, that's even in, like, downtown Salt Lake. I was. You know, you're walking by, like, holy. This is crazy.
- [45:55]
A
Yeah, dude.
- [45:55]
B
Everywhere.
- [45:56]
A
Yeah, but, dude, the they. Well, it's funny. In Salt Lake, I was there at a farmers market like, last year, and I was talking to this guy who was like. He was campaigning for mayor. Yeah. I think he had been mayor before and stopped. He's like, they need me back. And I was like, the park was beautiful. I was like, dude, this is awesome here. And he was like, well, yeah, there was homeless people here. And, like, they got cleared out right before the farmers market. And I was kind of hitting him with, like, that's what's up. And he was like, no, it's actually an injustice, and this is why I'm running. I was like, oh, my bad. My bad, dude. It's like. It's really sad. They took the prescription medication and kicked him out.
- [46:26]
B
I was like, oh, but look at these avocados. This is a nice.
- [46:29]
A
I Did hit him with that. I was like, you got to be honest, dude, though, it. It is way better. I was like, just on a, you know, a level of just enjoyment, it is kind of sweet that they're not here right now. And he was like, whatever.
- [46:39]
B
He wouldn't give that to you.
- [46:40]
A
He was just kind of laugh. He was just kind of like, all right, all right. But I was like, bro, I was like, it's nice you're defending them, you know, get their tents taken up. But I am, and I. I think it'd be sad if I saw that part. But the aftermath is nice.
- [46:50]
B
It is weird, too, that these tents are being used for that. Like, you know, the guy who designed the tents were like, this is good for camping. You're going to go on a nice thing, and then you just get people with needles. Like a.
- [46:59]
A
That's true. You would think.
- [47:00]
B
Yeah.
- [47:00]
A
The thing about, like, the love of nature and you're out. You're, like, hunting and living off the land. It is mostly just, like, emaciated human beings, like, selling each other for sex.
- [47:08]
B
And it sucks, man.
- [47:10]
A
And a lot of dying in them. I'll be dying in those tents.
- [47:14]
B
It's getting worse, man. You go around, although you just find areas where you're like these. There are so many people unwell that you're like, yeah, it's not going to get better anytime soon.
- [47:24]
A
No, dude. And imagine, like, I mean, no one's getting really born. Is anyone born into homelessness now? Or they just like, what do they do with you then? I guess they take. Take your kid.
- [47:32]
B
Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. You don't see a lot of homeless kids on the street.
- [47:35]
A
You don't. Just the adults.
- [47:36]
B
Yeah.
- [47:37]
A
I think they take you if you're. If they see you as a homeless kid. No Oliver Twist. If they see you as, like, a home, a young homeless kid, I think they're like, get the out of here.
- [47:44]
B
I would hope.
- [47:45]
A
Because I'm just waiting, like. Because if that becomes, like, a permanent class in America, that's what I'm kind of like, seeing. Like, where do they go from there?
- [47:51]
B
Yeah, the new thing, that demolition man, like, predicted everything, and it's like the sewer people that might be next. You're like, all these.
- [47:57]
A
Well, there are people who do live under, like. Who do live in, like, little catacombs and under bridges and stuff. And I heard Germany, now they have a crack epidemic in Germany. It's crazy, you know, everything. Nothing goes away. They just come back. Now Germans are dealing with like, a hard, like, 1980s crack epidemic.
- [48:11]
B
Oh, shit. Like, vintage. I know, but yeah, them crack in Germany, that was like, the one place in Europe I didn't go. And I was so bummed because I feel like. I feel like Berlin is supposed to be sick. And I've never. Yeah, I would. I was bummed I couldn't make that one work.
- [48:28]
A
How is stand up in Europe? They all speak English.
- [48:30]
B
Amazing.
- [48:31]
A
Is it fun?
- [48:31]
B
You know, it's fun. My worst set, I killed last year in London. And then this time I just was like. I think was my worst show there. You know, I hit, like, Belfast, Dublin. Paris wasn't amazing. I mean, the city's amazing. Just like the standup is whatever Paris is. Meh. That's my. No. And then what else? Oh, Amsterdam, Copenhagen, Stockholm and. And Oslo were all incredible.
- [48:59]
A
That's cr. That blows my mind. They can all, like, listen to stand up. I'm. I just assume. I'm like, there's no way these guys.
- [49:04]
B
You would have a lot of fans over there.
- [49:06]
A
That's crazy.
- [49:06]
B
It's amazing. And they're.
- [49:08]
A
That's nuts.
- [49:09]
B
It's. Look, you know, some. Some places, like, blow you away. You're like, wow, I moved more tickets than I expected here. And then some. You're like, man, it's a light show. But even the light shows were pretty damn good.
- [49:16]
A
That's awesome. I guess they're pretty happy you're in. You know, they're in another country and, like, beautiful. Yeah, just something up.
- [49:22]
B
But it is funny when you run into a fan on the. On the street that, like. Like, out of there, I saw a guy in. In Dublin and he was like, oh, my God, you're here. I was like, oh, what's up, man? And he go. He goes, are you doing a show tonight? And I was like, yeah, Yeah. I go, I was like, yeah, I think there's still a couple tickets available. And he's like, huh? Like, I was like, oh, he's not gonna come. Like, what are the other Run into a fan in the. An American fan in another country. And he's like, no, I'm good.
- [49:46]
A
I know. I was like, all right, all right, dude, that's cool. Yeah, that is. That would be cool to be in another country. Like, oh, that's crazy. People are like, hey, man, what's going on? You're like, what the.
- [49:55]
B
They do a double take. Because they're like, why? Yeah, but, you know, it's like, have you done Australia yet?
- [50:01]
A
I did. I opened for Shane in Australia. Pretty cool. It was cool. It's just the flight is. Dude, it you up for, like, forever.
- [50:09]
B
It the way back, you up worse. Yes. Like, going there, it's like I just drugged myself.
- [50:13]
A
Yeah.
- [50:14]
B
A few muscle relaxers, a couple glasses of wine. I'm like, I'm good out. But then on the way back, I was like, I'm bad. For, like a week.
- [50:21]
A
I was up, dude. I had, like. I had kids. I, like, just. That was when they were really, like, even younger. So I like. Like, we did a show the last night, got home at like, maybe two or three. Woke up at five for the airport. I don't think I. I don't think I really even slept. And then just. I was. I can't really sleep on planes that well. So if I slept on the way back, maybe for an hour or two, and I was awake for the most of it, and then got dropped off the Newark Airport and then had to drive this one. I was in Philly. I was awake for basically 24 hours and then had to just drive from Newark to Philly. My wife, who was like, finally, you're back. You know all that. Yeah.
- [50:53]
B
You don't. You don't walk into a happy room there either. No, I see that with. With Gary, because, you know, who I tour with. He's got a family, and. And I don't. So I. I'm seeing. He's like, you know, she's like, you didn't FaceTime me. I'm like, oh, my God. I'm just, you know, dude, I'm having a lower pressure.
- [51:09]
A
You watching your kids cry through FaceTime while you're in a hotel room while your wife is just, like, huffing.
- [51:14]
B
Yeah.
- [51:15]
A
Is. Might be. It's hell. It's the worst. Like, you're sitting there like, hey, guys, trying to tell you, well, maybe you should talk a little nicer, maybe. Great. It's. It's terrible. It's actually. It's really bad. It's one of the saddest things of, like, when you travel for standup, then eventually, as they get older, it becomes a little better. But, like, when they're, like, little and you're.
- [51:34]
B
Yeah.
- [51:35]
A
Just.
- [51:35]
B
Yeah. And you feel powerless.
- [51:36]
A
Oh, you just feel awful, dude. You're like, why am I doing this? This sucks. But, you know, and you get it. But then the thing I always tell.
- [51:42]
B
Myself, it's a good example to work too, you know, for your kids. Like, you're doing your.
- [51:45]
A
That's the thing.
- [51:46]
B
You followed your dream and it worked out, and. And your kids will see that when they grow up. And that's a cool thing too, that.
- [51:51]
A
And that. Well, that's what I tell my kids. I say, guys, I know you don't like when I go away, but if I were to stay here and do another job, kill myself. So do you want me to kill myself? You guys want your father to kill himself? Because it would be your fault.
- [52:01]
B
We got your babysitter. His name's Jared Fogle.
- [52:05]
A
But it is true. You do have to. There is like. Because I'd be like, I should be around more. But I know if I had like a job that I hated, I would just be miserable in the house. So it's like, what's better happen? You know, kind of someone who's traveling a little bit and happy in the house or someone who's there every day, like, and you're.
- [52:21]
B
And you got this going. So you have other things going on. I think he said a good. I hear it more from female comics because I think women are expected to be like, the, you know, I. The mom should be there. The mom shouldn't be traveling. And I know, you know, some female comics who have babies or young kids, and they're just like, you know, Rachel Feinstein's one of my best friends. And she was like, you know, if I. He could. He could go to work like, whenever he could do like all these 24 hour shifts. I leave for like a spot. They're like. They treat me like I'm Casey Anthony, you know, so it's like how.
- [52:51]
A
Yeah, when the baby's really young, it's like a biological reality that they do need. Need the mom. Like, they need them on more. You can bottle feed them and stuff like that. But yeah, that's. Dude, the mother guilt is like 50 million times worse. And yeah, you are.
- [53:04]
B
You were in there. You were in her.
- [53:06]
A
Exactly.
- [53:06]
B
I mean, there's that, you know.
- [53:08]
A
Yeah, there's a connection. It's a real connection. There's actually now I've read in Sweden, man, the headlines really working in my favor today. They're actually applying to everything. But there's a movement now called Soft Girl. There's like soft girls now they're called. So, like, there's women who are now rejecting the workforce and be like, no, I'm a soft girl. So either boss. I was like, what is the it called.
- [53:28]
B
This is in Sweden.
- [53:29]
A
Soft woman. Yeah, they call them softwomans because you either a boss lady or a soft woman. And now there's people embracing this soft woman lifestyle where they're like, yo, Work sucks. I'm becoming just like a pure stay at home soft woman.
- [53:40]
B
Well, that it would originate in Sweden because they're just so liberal there. So it's like, that's what happens. That's where they'll try out. It's like, like, this is what we'll try out, the liberal idea. And if it takes flight, it'll move over to like the other Scandinavian countries, then make its way here. Yeah, like, that's, that's where you debut it.
- [53:55]
A
Well, I think they went well. That's more, there's more like liberal boss ladies. If you're like a boss lady was like, I'm gonna kick ass at work. Don't even ask me to do anything around the house. It's blah, blah, blah. But now there's a lot of women being like, yeah, this kind of sucks. Having a job, like, it's not as cool as I thought.
- [54:11]
B
Yeah. I think, you know, a lot of people, they identify as what their job is. Yeah, they're like, that's how they describe them. I'm a, I'm a this.
- [54:21]
A
Well, that's my thing is like, if you're in a, if you're in a two income household and your husband makes enough and you're still working, that's when I start to question. I'm like, dude, it's one thing if you're like running a company, you know, you're a boss lady. But like, women are like, I choose to work. And they're like a team associate for like Verizon. It's why.
- [54:38]
B
But what if the, what if there's like a shady. What if there's like a prenup and the marriage doesn't work out, then you're kind of just like relying on him forever.
- [54:45]
A
That's true. That's true. And then he can like take your cell phone and like get into. There's, There are those guys who do that. Yeah, that makes sense. That does make sense.
- [54:51]
B
I think it's good to have your own thing, you know? Yeah, I'm, I'm more attracted to women who have their own thing going on.
- [54:57]
A
I like softly. I like soft girls.
- [54:58]
B
You, you want a girl just waits for you.
- [55:00]
A
Waits, yeah.
- [55:01]
B
Soft girl.
- [55:02]
A
No, I don't, I don't care if a woman works. I don't care. It is, I just think there is something like. I don't know, man. I, I, I do think there's, I do think there's something sad to have it put in a woman's head that, like, if they're not working. They're somehow, like, sold out their entire species. And they're like, if they're brainwashed, it's like that working sucks, too.
- [55:19]
B
Yeah, yeah. No, I don't. I don't think that way.
- [55:20]
A
But I hear nice. I will say there is something nice to.
- [55:24]
B
I just don't like the idea of a woman waiting around for me. Like. Like, she doesn't do anything, and then she's like, where have you been? Like, I don't like that energy.
- [55:31]
A
That's totally true.
- [55:31]
B
Because I like her to have other. Like, that she's got to deal with. I like, it's good to have other things.
- [55:37]
A
You're right. No, you are right. Because I would say that is the downfall of a soft girl or whatever the. They're called the where are you? Text Increase by 500% once you go from a boss lady to a soft girl, it's like, there's no. There's dishing off. Where are you?
- [55:50]
B
I swear to God, when you said soft girl, I thought it was going to be like, some, like, a trans, like, man, but, like, the penis doesn't work. I really thought because, like, because Sweden is so liberal, that was like, it's gonna be something like that, but.
- [56:01]
A
Well, dude, it is. There is something. Well, apparently, yeah, Sweden is the most liberal place. And that's why they're kind of like, like, what the going on? Because a lot of women now, they're like, all right, we set. We, like, laid the path. Jordan Peterson talks about this. You laid the path for gender equality. And there's like, they have more people than ever who are like, that. I'm just gonna stay at home, be a traditional wife, which, whatever.
- [56:22]
B
But that's also there, you know, that's. I guess it's weird if you had a male friend who would do that. Like, I'm just gonna, like, hang out because I have a friend like that, and he's hits. He hits me up for money, and I'm like, dude, just do something.
- [56:33]
A
Do something.
- [56:34]
B
Yeah, he's trying.
- [56:35]
A
And is he a soft dad or is he like.
- [56:37]
B
No, he just. Dude, he. He had this woman who, like, was a hard worker and doing. And she, like, like, wanted to have a family with him. And he was just like, nah, I'm good. And he's just, like, a single dude now.
- [56:47]
A
Chill.
- [56:48]
B
I'm like, dude, you really misplayed your hand here. Yeah, now I'm getting, like, Venmo requests from him. I'm like, dude, come on. Come on. $60. You got to get your Life together.
- [56:56]
A
That's true. No, there's. You did make a strong case for a boss lady. Because it is true. You do want kind of someone who has their own thing going on, or else they're going to be bugging you.
- [57:05]
B
I just think it's nice you have another thing. It's just like, you know, it could be anything. It doesn't have to be like a crazy, but just have something else. Because you. You don't look at the divorce rate, nothing. I mean, you hope things work out, but.
- [57:16]
A
No, it's about 50. I think we just came down from 50 to like 48%.
- [57:20]
B
Really?
- [57:20]
A
Yeah.
- [57:21]
B
So that's all right.
- [57:22]
A
It's high. It's still pretty high. Dude.
- [57:24]
B
That's, you know, 50, 50. There's. There's a reason people are getting less. Why is that?
- [57:29]
A
Wait, getting divorced less?
- [57:31]
B
Yeah. 2% is something, right?
- [57:33]
A
That's pretty good. Yeah.
- [57:34]
B
That's 2. You said 48 instead of 50. I thought it was. So it went.
- [57:37]
A
Yeah, it went down a little bit. It went down a little bit. It's all geographically.
- [57:40]
B
I think abortion went down slightly too. Too.
- [57:42]
A
Did it really?
- [57:43]
B
Yeah. Maybe people are just being. Maybe people are just being a little safer. Who knows?
- [57:47]
A
Yeah. Or. Yeah. I wonder. I wonder because it's. The saddest divorces I've seen are when, like, people don't even hate each other at the end, when they're just kind of like.
- [57:55]
B
It ran its course.
- [57:56]
A
It's just. Yeah. When two people just, like, lose all passion for each other and it's kind of like.
- [57:59]
B
Yeah. You think you're gonna have like a season four Carmela Tony blowout on the Sopranos. But then at the end, you're just like, yeah.
- [58:07]
A
I've always thought.
- [58:07]
B
Dead.
- [58:08]
A
I always thought that was the saddest. Like virgins. You hear people like, yeah, we just one day looked at each other and we're like, nah, it was pretty mutual and peaceful. I'm like, that sucks. You'd want it to be like.
- [58:16]
B
But if you have kids, that's what you need because that's the bad ones. You've seen those where you're like, holy. They just hate each other. I've seen people who stay together who hate each other, and that's. That makes me sad, too. That's bad because you're just like. You hate going home. That friend who will stay out with you all night, and you're like, man, this person rocks. And you're like, oh, they're deeply unhappy. That's why they're still Drinking with me, like, you just like, so grateful. They're like this person, person wants to party, but. But they hate their home life.
- [58:41]
A
That's true. That is the one thing where, you know, when the divorce rate is at 40, it's like, yeah, a lot of marriages, like, just growing up, you see, you're like, damn, these guys hate each other. So that is a sad thing too, to like, there's no easy way because it is going to be stressful. But it's like, yeah, when do you throw in towels? Like a weird question. And mostly women initiate divorce. Yeah, it's mostly women who initiate it, which is like, that's. I've always been struck by that.
- [59:04]
B
But it's like, like, yeah, maybe women put more stock in happiness. I think dudes are kind of more comfortable being miserable.
- [59:12]
A
Yeah, true.
- [59:13]
B
Women are like, am I happy? Like, they're qu. They're more introspective. I think women question things more than we do. Like, I, I'm happy to just go through life being like, I need a joke. I need this. You know? But then every once in a while when you, like, face your feelings, you're like, oh my God. Like, it'll, it'll scare. Because women are just like trained to deal with their feelings all the time. We're not. So when I, you know, I'll just like, like, I don't, I'm feeling something. I don't like whiskey plate, you know, just like, I'll just, I'll just bottle it up. But, you know.
- [59:39]
A
Yeah, they're incommunicado all the times with each other about like, what's stressing them, what's going. And they, they are good about that. But sometimes it could be too much where I'm like, dude, it's like, well, you're invalidating my feelings.
- [59:49]
B
They're dumb.
- [59:50]
A
They don't apply to the problem. Just getting in our way. Turn it off now. Cram it down and deal. Yeah, but you're, you know, you are kind of, right? I think they, they, they. I've talked about this before, but one time I was with my wife and she, she was like freaking outwards. Like, bedtime. She was just like panicking. I could hear her breathing. Weird. I'm like, what's the matter? And she was like, I'm like, just tell me what's wrong, dude. She listed a rapid fire response of like six problems at once that had like sub problems about like this person. And I was just like, stop right now. It was so fast. And it was just like, it's so organized. Yes. It was like this interconnected web of, like, this person that and this happened, and then they thought this and that, and it was like, yeah. I was like, all right, I don't ever want to glimpse into that ever again. But I was like, that's. I feel for you.
- [60:32]
B
Was it a work problem or just, like, a home problem?
- [60:34]
A
I don't even remember. It was more of, like, a friend group slash work thing that she was freaking out. Oh, dude.
- [60:40]
B
It was like, you watch these? I don't watch them, but some of my girlfriend will have these, like, Real Housewives shows on. And I'm like, you're just manufacturing problems. I know that they're, like, fake and they're written and stuff, but these people, just the idea of these people who have nothing going on. They're like, this person didn't invite me to a party, and that's like an r. Work.
- [60:56]
A
Yeah.
- [60:56]
B
And you're like, that's your life.
- [60:58]
A
That is. That's a. That's like a punch in the stomach. In girl world, though, you have a party.
- [61:02]
B
That's true.
- [61:02]
A
You have a party.
- [61:03]
B
But sometimes it's even less than that. Someone's like, they. This person, like, cut me off or was rude to me, and you're just.
- [61:08]
A
Like, all right, yeah. Hold the grudge.
- [61:10]
B
You're right. The party thing is actually. That was a bad example.
- [61:12]
A
No, but. No, that does make sense, though. It is. It is dumb, but it is, like, that's a. That is a thing. Since women don't, like, it does suck.
- [61:18]
B
To not get invited to a party. I don't want to go, but I do want to be invited.
- [61:22]
A
Yeah, man.
- [61:22]
B
Like, I don't want to go to weddings ever. But, like, when I don't get the invite, I'm a little like, ah, it's a bummer.
- [61:27]
A
I get kind of sad as well. I. I'd really like, not like to go to almost anything, but if I don't get invited out, like, what the.
- [61:31]
B
You just want to be thought of. You don't want to actually do it. You just want to. It's almost like at a certain point, the consent is better than the sex.
- [61:37]
A
Yeah.
- [61:38]
B
Where you're like, that woman was like, that woman would you. And you're like, what? That's amazing. And you just go home and you jack off and you're like, who cares?
- [61:44]
A
Yeah, exactly.
- [61:44]
B
I don't need the sex.
- [61:45]
A
I don't want to. Yeah, I don't want to. I want to keep the fantasy in my head.
- [61:48]
B
Yeah.
- [61:48]
A
But.
- [61:49]
B
Yeah, the sex would ruin it. The sex would. She would be like, oh, that was horrible. And you'd be like, oh, yeah, that stinks. But the idea that it could have happened, you're like, I'm.
- [61:56]
A
Yeah, I. That's. I always wonder. It's like. Especially when you're. When you're. Before you're married, you do like. You're like, all right, I'm gonna have sex. It better be good now. I'm just like, I don't. I'm not. I mean, if it's good, it's great, but if I could. If you'll just let me in there. I'm like, thank you, man.
- [62:10]
B
Yeah.
- [62:10]
A
Now you get to the point. I just get, like, sad and resentful about that now. I'm like, that is actually nice, you not wanting to have sex and letting me do that anyway. I'm like, that's. Thank you for that.
- [62:16]
B
Considerate.
- [62:17]
A
That's very nice. I mean, it's very nice of you. You didn't have to do that. Next time, show some little more spirit or. Right.
- [62:22]
B
I'm dating someone. I was walking back to the hotel from the comedy club last night, and some woman was like, oh, my. She was, like, so excited to see me. I was like, oh, what's up? And I was like, well, if I was. She was like, I'm a big fan. I was like, oh, shit. Cool. And we were talking a little bit. She was attractive, and I was like, man, if I was single, I would try to have sex with her, and I would lose a fan. I might as well just keep the fan.
- [62:43]
A
True, true, true.
- [62:45]
B
I'm better at comedy than. That.
- [62:48]
A
Is really funny, dude. That is. Yeah. That I've never see. I've always been married. I never got to, like, sexually interact with my family.
- [62:54]
B
How long have you been married?
- [62:55]
A
Five years.
- [62:56]
B
Okay.
- [62:56]
A
So I've been married, though I didn't.
- [62:58]
B
Get it when it was, like, good. Really? I feel like, because I. I was always just so quickly out of a breakup, and it was just like, I was too sad, or I. Like, when, you know. Or I would ruin it. I remember. I remember I fucked, like, an older woman in Portland once. And I was so sad. After a breakup where she's, like, a divorced woman. She had a really nice house, and right after I came, she was like, what's wrong? I'm like, I just missed my ex. And. And then she was, like, asking about it, and I was like, I'm sorry. It's just, like, very fresh. And. And she was just like, well, it sounds like she doesn't want you back. And I was like, she might. Like, we got, like an argument about her. I was like, it could work. And I was like, wow, this is like the worst one night stand ever. I suck.
- [63:35]
A
That is. There is something cool, though, about, like, that divorced lady energy. Oh, she was like, glad those ladies are out there.
- [63:41]
B
Oh, my God, I love it.
- [63:42]
A
Like your ex. She says, like a million dollar house.
- [63:45]
B
Yeah. She's like, yeah, things don't work out, kid.
- [63:47]
A
You know, I haven't seen my kids in six months. They hate me. Yeah. That is kind of funny to be like, don't. She doesn't want you.
- [63:56]
B
I know. She was right.
- [63:58]
A
Oh, really?
- [63:58]
B
She was definitely right. But I mean, I wasn't ready to hear it. I was still sad.
- [64:02]
A
Yeah.
- [64:02]
B
And you're just trying to numb yourself on the road. It's like. Anyway, it's like, what I'm saying, you're trying to avoid the feelings of feeling, but you have to. I. I've gotten better at just feeling when I'm sad.
- [64:10]
A
Yeah, true.
- [64:11]
B
Or you know what you were saying on that podcast the other day, like, just forcing yourself. I'm not like, working out hard, but I'll go to the gym and you get a little boost, you know, do something.
- [64:17]
A
Yeah, yeah, no, that helps me. I've been good at that. Like, I've been trying to do a thing where I just, like, if I'm in a hotel, my. My first instinct is like, I'm just gonna watch porn and jerk off because otherwise I. I can't fall asleep otherwise. And I've been like, forcing myself to just lay in my bed and just feel whatever that feeling is of like, like before that I could just would go away if I just jerked off.
- [64:38]
B
I know what you mean. It's so tempting. It's like made up perfectly for it.
- [64:41]
A
It's been. It's crazy. And I'm like, what is going on to me? And then I like. And I'll sit there and feel it. I'm like, I can just fall asleep naturally. And then I will actually get relaxed and then I'll just watch porn and jerk off. My God. Now. Now I'm really going to fall asleep.
- [64:54]
B
The exact same thing last night. The only difference between me now and me and like, in my 20s is I. I read afterwards. Oh, I had my book with me. I was like, I'll read. I'll read a few pages, then I'll fall asleep.
- [65:05]
A
That is. Yeah. Like, nobody needs melatonin.
- [65:08]
B
I still watch porn and Jerked off. But I. You know.
- [65:10]
A
You read your book.
- [65:11]
B
I read my book.
- [65:12]
A
That's. Dude, that is. The melatonin company does not want you to hear this, but, yeah, you watch porn and then read a book, you could do it. You do not need melatonin.
- [65:19]
B
You get. You get sleepy.
- [65:20]
A
You do. I read every night before bed. I love it, man. What are you reading right now? I'm reading a book called Money and the Meaning of Life. That's, like. It's pretty good. It's this professor talking. He's like a comparative religion professor who just, like, yammers on about how money is central to. Just, like, it's so deeply embedded in people's psyches and how it's like, we're pretty unique in that regard as, like, a civilization because it's, like, relatively new, I guess. And he just says how you just need to come up with a way in life that, like, money's always going to be important. If you try to tell yourself it's nothing, you're just fooling yourself because it's like, you're. When you put, like, a lesser or base desire, you try to banish it from your consciousness. It just becomes wild and then just, like, goes crazy and, like, goes out of control. So his whole thing was like, just try to make money the second most important thing in your life. Because he's like, it's probably the most important thing for pretty much everyone. It's understandable that it is. But if, like, you can make it the second most important thing, he's like, that's an amazing achievement.
- [66:11]
B
That's true. And family will be your number one.
- [66:14]
A
No. Me, no. Yeah, anything. Family. Just anything. Anything you're doing. It gets into the gift economy. How a true gift.
- [66:22]
B
Yeah.
- [66:22]
A
Never stops moving. Like, you're like. It's like, there's like a. I don't know, but. But yeah, he's like, if you can make it second most. And it's like, you know, money's tied in with all of your other kind of, like, creaturely concerns where he's like, if you can try to somehow make that second most important, he's like, amazing achievement.
- [66:36]
B
That's pretty.
- [66:37]
A
It was a good boy. It was a good lesson.
- [66:38]
B
Yeah. Sometimes you just need to be reminded of things that we kind of already know.
- [66:44]
A
Yeah, exactly.
- [66:44]
B
You kind of know it. But a guy just, like, put. It's. It's with everything. It's like, sometimes you just see a comedian, you're like, oh, yeah, I'm just supposed to be fun Money.
- [66:52]
A
Yep.
- [66:52]
B
Somebody just. It's just so simple. Like, you see the most obvious message in a movie or book and you're like, why did I. I know that, but why did I lose sight of.
- [67:00]
A
It all the time? Yeah, it happens all. And that's what he was saying. He's like, when you try to banish these things from your consciousness, they just kind of work in the shadows and just take right over again without you even knowing. But, yeah, that's. That's helped me a lot in Stand up. Because I used to always panic everywhere, like, oh, now I'm just like, there's people here, they want to laugh. I'm gonna do my best.
- [67:16]
B
You had anxiety to perform, you mean? Yeah. Yes.
- [67:18]
A
Math. All the time. Yeah, all the time. Yeah. Yeah.
- [67:21]
B
I would just sit there and go, I dread it. I get really in. And then I'm on. And I feel fine. Once I get the first laugh, I feel fine. But like, yeah, I dread the waiting.
- [67:30]
A
Yeah. I.
- [67:31]
B
And a comic before me could run the light by two minutes. I'm like, oh, you're killing me. I just want to go on, you know?
- [67:37]
A
Yeah. I've, like, relaxed a lot, but if I'm in a new scenario, like, when I moved down to Texas, I had to go to the mothership. I was just like, it's a new.
- [67:44]
B
You have to prove yourself all over again.
- [67:45]
A
Yeah, it's. And I. I mean, a lot of.
- [67:46]
B
People know you, but you still have to. You feel like you have to prove yourself.
- [67:49]
A
It's true. And I had. It was, like, working on pretty much newish material because I, like, did the special. And, like, I was, like, still trying to, like, build up, like, an hour, so I was. It was like I was just shitting myself the whole time. But it's like now. Now I've, like, try to take myself out of the equation as much, as much as I can, and just be like, I just. These people want to laugh. I'm going to try to make them laugh. And if I don't do well, it was a valiant effort. And I'm not going to, like, freak out or be like you. You know, like, that stuff is bad.
- [68:13]
B
I used to always think, like, it's always. It's one set. It's not going to change my life in any way. If you get a new joke. Cool. But like, this. I'm not ruining myself over this set.
- [68:23]
A
Yeah.
- [68:23]
B
Although Michael Richards might have thought the same thing, so you never know. I. But that's.
- [68:28]
A
That's everyone.
- [68:29]
B
Bombs.
- [68:29]
A
Yeah, everyone.
- [68:29]
B
Everyone says the N word. A bunch to strangers in the crowd. It'll be. Luckily, camera phones aren't a real thing yet. Wait a second.
- [68:36]
A
Yeah, you should have had the yonder bag, dude.
- [68:40]
B
Yeah, Chappelle has it to protect material. Other comics are like, I might have a racist tirade. I just need. No, but I really do feel that way. Like, nothing really that bad is going to happen, you know? Like, you just give them the best show you can, especially when you're like, really. You know, you're working on stuff and you're building, and hopefully the crowds now are sophisticated enough to understand, like, how we have to do this so they know, you know, they listen enough podcasts and stuff. Or you're doing your show on your tour and you're like, this is. This is where it's at right now. I hope it's good enough. But, like. Like, it'll get there, you know, for sure.
- [69:14]
A
And you still get those psychos. Like, so you're gonna do the same thing on the next show? And you're like, yes, I am the out of here. Do you, like, make it up every time? Like, no, dude. What the do you think I am?
- [69:22]
B
I know people think that.
- [69:23]
A
I know.
- [69:23]
B
Isn't that crazy?
- [69:24]
A
Like, so you're gonna do, like, what are you gonna do for the next show? Just, like, something totally different. I'm like, oh, well, you do.
- [69:29]
B
I mean, look, there are moments where we're riffing, so they think that maybe the other stuff. There are moments where we're like, you know, at the end of the show, I'll around with the crowd. I'm like, scream at a current event. I'll try to know or I'll do whatever. Say, that's kind of fun stuff like that. Just to. Because I get bored with the material anyway. But, like, yeah, the fact that they think it's all off the dome is insane.
- [69:47]
A
It's crazy.
- [69:48]
B
But that would be so fucking. I mean, I've seen. There are dudes. I think Rory Scoville would do some shit.
- [69:53]
A
He did a whole special where he just went completely off the dome.
- [69:56]
B
He's. He's a different breed, though, in that way. I think that normal comics, you just can't.
- [70:01]
A
No, I would. I don't know that that would be. It'd be a fun experiment, but it's also, like.
- [70:04]
B
But it would do a disservice. Like, can you imagine, like, Chris Rock off the dome as opposed to, like, seeing his pie? I want to hear his pil. Polished stuff. Yeah, true.
- [70:10]
A
Yeah, true. It's one of those Things. That sounds cool. But you'd also have to tell the audience because that way they. They. They're bought in. So they're not just kind of like, what the is this guy doing?
- [70:18]
B
I know, but.
- [70:20]
A
Well, dude, I think you crushed it, man. I think we're at an hour. Thank you so much.
- [70:23]
B
So fun. Yeah, it was a blast. Thank you. The most we've ever spoken.
- [70:25]
A
I know.
- [70:26]
B
Yeah. If you're in New York, you got to come by ours, you know?
- [70:28]
A
Please. That'd be awesome.
- [70:29]
B
Yeah. Yeah.
- [70:29]
A
This is what I. It's. I've been video recording my. Basically first time really meeting people. It's really sweet. It's really cool. It's really awesome, dude. Thank you, man. What do you have? Do you have anything you want to?
- [70:39]
B
Yeah, you know, I'm on tour, like, crazy start in January. I got, you know, some clubs to warm up in, like San Antonio, Liberty and Liberty Township, Ohio, which is like somewhere near Cincinnati, I think.
- [70:52]
A
Nice.
- [70:52]
B
And then. And then Pittsburgh Improv, and then it's just like all theaters going forward and we're doing the Bus, so it's like Charlotte, Richmond, D.C. philly, you know, Tulsa, fucking Austin, Dallas, west coast, every city. So it's just Samuel.com shows. And if you don't see it, it'll be there, you know, it'll be there in the fall. Okay. I'm coming everywhere. So that's cigar. I'm so jealous of his tour name. I'm Coming Everywhere.
- [71:20]
A
Is that what it is?
- [71:20]
B
That's what he called, like, what a great tour name.
- [71:22]
A
That is pretty good.
- [71:22]
B
But, yeah, so it's just my. My website, go to shows, and I'm really coming every city and it's. It's a new hour and I feel. I feel like it's getting there. It'll be. It'll be good by then, so.
- [71:32]
A
Hell yeah, dude. You better get the fever. Get the fuck out there and go there, dude.
- [71:35]
B
And we got our whiskey Bodega Cat, which is going to be. It's me and Mark Norman's whiskey. I brought you a bottle. It's good stuff. It's everywhere in New York now. It's going to be everywhere here soon, so I'm okay, dude, that's awesome, man.
- [71:43]
A
Hell yeah. Well, thanks for coming, dude.
- [71:44]
B
Thanks for having me.
- [71:45]
A
Appreciate that. Thank you, guys. Love you guys. Goodbye.