Ep 539 - History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 539: History Hyenas of the Future (feat. Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas)

Release Date: January 2, 2025
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guests: Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas

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1. Introduction and Hair Banter (00:00 - 00:35)

The episode kicks off with Matt expressing excitement about the guests, Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas. The conversation quickly shifts to a humorous debate about Chris's hair, referencing past criticisms and the current state.

• Chris Distefano: “Look at my hair now. Dude, I look like a 60s crooner.” (00:08)

• Matt McCusker: “It looks great, right?” (00:25)

• Yannis Pappas: “I looks that's painted on. Yeah, it looks good.” (00:30)

2. Nazi Speeches and Their Impact (00:35 - 02:38)

The discussion delves into the effectiveness of Nazi propaganda, particularly Adolf Hitler's speeches, and their ability to galvanize the German populace.

• Chris Distefano: “If you just want to AI listen to Hitler speeches in English and just change out the words from Germany to America in your head, you'll get really pumped up for the day.” (01:00)

• Matt McCusker: “Yeah, that guy just knew how to light a fire under you.” (01:11)

They analyze how Hitler used mythic folklore to inspire national pride and the militaristic drive of the time.

3. Sexual Experiences and Comedic Insights (02:38 - 12:38)

The hosts share personal anecdotes about past experiences with authority figures, particularly focusing on inappropriate behavior by coaches at sports camps. This segment is rich with edgy humor and candid admissions.

• Chris Distefano: “What’s up with all the gay art over here?” (02:52)

• Matt McCusker: “I just wanted something kind of intense.” (02:54)

• Chris Distefano: “Dude, the quiet, the slow blow, it’s really. Dude, it’s just going to be quiet.” (32:55)

The conversation touches on themes of consent, societal norms, and personal boundaries, all while maintaining a comedic tone.

4. Celebrity Encounters and Fantasies (12:38 - 25:58)

Guests recount amusing and exaggerated encounters with celebrities like Anne Hathaway and Emma Stone, blending reality with fantasy scenarios.

• Chris Distefano: “Anne Hathaway was in the second row of the show... I saw her laugh.” (18:37)

• Yannis Pappas: “Imagine Pete. All the power Pete has. But on top of that, you're Latino, Unstoppable.” (16:50)

These stories serve as humorous interludes, highlighting the guests' imaginations and interactions with fame.

5. Historical Commentary and Musings (25:58 - 44:35)

The hosts transition into a broader discussion on history, examining the behaviors of historical figures and societal norms in different eras.

• Matt McCusker: “Alexander the Great was like the most masculine guy. And that guy had a straight-up boyfriend.” (35:14)

• Chris Distefano: “Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. All the people that come in and pray like hate homosexuals.” (39:22)

• Matt McCusker: “He was just a normal height. So this whole idea of like Napoleon complex is there's truth in that.” (46:01)

They explore topics such as homosexuality in ancient civilizations, the myths surrounding historical figures, and the evolution of societal attitudes towards gender and sexuality.

6. Nuclear War and Alien Invasions (44:35 - 63:38)

A speculative conversation unfolds about the potential for future conflicts, including nuclear warfare and alien invasions. The hosts debate conspiracy theories and the psychological impact of warfare.

• Yannis Pappas: “Do you think Trump will change the law and just let boys be. Have a legal age at like 13, and you could just fucking clip them all day.” (11:19)

• Chris Distefano: “We were filming. We were literally talking to our driver yesterday.” (66:07)

• Chris Distefano: “Imagine being a gay guy that doesn't have to listen to those like, people with smaller brains.” (37:17)

The conversation weaves between humor and serious contemplation, touching on military discipline, propaganda, and societal resilience.

7. Concluding Remarks and Announcements (63:38 - 72:34)

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on their discussions and promote upcoming live shows.

• Matt McCusker: “Thank you guys. Oh, by the way, January 18th we're doing our first live history hyena show at the Lincoln theater in Washington D.C. yes, dude, we're doing it baby.” (72:25)

• Yannis Pappas: “Get tickets at historyhyenasback.com, christygilliscomedy.com, or yanispappascomedy.com.” (72:32)

They express gratitude towards their listeners and encourage participation in future events, maintaining the podcast's energetic and humorous spirit.

Notable Quotes

• Chris Distefano: “If you just want to AI listen to Hitler speeches in English and just change out the words from Germany to America in your head, you'll get really pumped up for the day.” (01:00)

• Matt McCusker: “I love playing sports. I love playing sports. Like, I played football, basketball, and I'll still play sports.” (04:14)

• Yannis Pappas: “Sometimes a guy in a wig, you just go, you know what? I'm full.” (28:12)

• Matt McCusker: “Infant mortality rate went down to, like, only, like, you know, 7% of the babies were dying.” (42:29)

• Chris Distefano: “Yeah, that's how hot.” (26:38)

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Conclusion:
Episode 539 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" offers a blend of irreverent humor, personal anecdotes, and historical commentary. With guests Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas, the hosts navigate a myriad of topics ranging from celebrity encounters and sexual humor to deep dives into historical events and societal norms. The episode maintains a fast-paced, engaging flow, ensuring listeners are entertained while also provoking thought on various subjects.

For more details and to join upcoming live shows, visit historyhyenasback.com, christygilliscomedy.com, or yanispappascomedy.com.

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Disclaimer: This summary is based on the provided transcript and aims to capture the essence of the podcast episode without endorsing or criticizing the views expressed by the hosts and guests.

Transcript

[A]

And we are beginning. Thank you guys for coming. God damn. Giannis Prophets Chris or Stefano, the history hyenas, dude, thank you, guys.

[B]

We're here.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

I'm pumped, dude.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Thanks for having us. And I just want to say, because the last I was on the show a couple of weeks ago, a month ago, Giannis and I just want to say to all your fans out there, say something about my hair. Now look at my hair now. Dude, you guys were talking shit, saying I had no hair product in. My hair was flat. What, what about now?

[A]

It looks great, right?

[B]

Dude, now I look like a 60s crooner. And look at Giannis's hair, dude.

[C]

I look great.

[A]

I looks that's painted on. Yeah, it looks good. Yeah, the wave, right?

[B]

So I just want to make sure everybody fudgeing knows true what's up and.

[C]

I bring it back. Yeah, I'd like to say it's good to be here in Republican Hollywood. And yes, the candidate over here and the candidate over here. Yeah, they got bad hair. They're no good for you. I will make it so barbecue is available for everybody in this city at all times. And I just always wanted to stand at a podium and feel like I'm in a primary.

[B]

Feels good.

[C]

Does it feel fucking powerful?

[A]

I know.

[C]

I want to almost go like, yes, I san.

[A]

Feel it now.

[C]

Dude, being white and standing behind this podium is. I got ideas right now.

[B]

I'm telling you, man. Not that I've ever agreed with anything that Hitler said it. I despise the Nazis and what they did, but if you just want to AI listen to Hitler speeches in English and just change out the words from Germany to America in your head, you'll get really pumped up for the day. Yeah, that guy just knew how to light a fire under you, dude. The way that he would speak about Germany was like, I get it, man.

[A]

Yeah, it was like they tied to their, like, mythic folklore of like, the German here and all that stuff. And, yeah, that would for sure get anyone pumped.

[B]

Dude, he was telling people, like, if you die in battle, you're going directly to Valhalla and you're going to ride about, like, you know, you're riding like, you know, eagles there. And it's just like he was like, you know, germany one, Germany is verse England right now. Germany's versus Great Britain, you know, at that moment when they're in that war. And he says, we are two superpowers and what the only way to win is one of us is going to have to be destroyed. And it will not be Germany. And the crowd goes nuts. You're like, yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God, dude.

[B]

I started putting on my boots.

[C]

Yeah, he has an outfit. He has an outfit.

[A]

Yeah, that's. It is. Yeah. You can always give the devil his due. Like, everyone's always like, he was failed artist. No one liked him. It's like, people liked him, dude.

[C]

He was a closer. I mean, he was a headliner. You can't. He was a guy. When he went up, you're like, all right, we should only do another show two days from now. Yeah, yeah. Let people kind of settle.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He was talking. I think he gelled the hair, but I think he left the front flap. I think he knew the effectiveness of the flat front.

[A]

It was a tail fan.

[C]

And then I always loved when he did that. Afterwards, he gathered himself and he did that.

[A]

Smeared it back.

[B]

What I like about standing up, too, is this is a fit city. You could just get your calf raises in while you. And that's why I think you did it, dude. It's just like a workout.

[A]

I know. I was tired of sitting around all day.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What's up with all the gay art over here?

[A]

I just. I thought it was visually striking. This is nice. I had someone. My friend told me about this painting. I'm like. I looked it up. I was like, perfect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is. I just wanted something kind of intense. And then, you know.

[B]

Well, I told. I was telling you on the plane. He's a guy. He jerks off to erotic poetry. So this kind of goes with it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I've started doing now, by the way.

[C]

You kind of, like us, have a little bit of a female brain.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Because you like the imagination.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Well, you know, it's not. That's not uncommon amongst us. We are performers. And here's the thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

If you're a performer and you get into the arts, you at least got nicked. You at least got nicked by the gay gene. You got nicked. Some people get fully clipped, like Mateo Lane. We got nicked.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We got Nick.

[B]

We got Nick gives us our eye, and we all got nicked. We all got nicked. And our wives and girls, they all know that we're kind of like, out of their friend group. Like, they're like. They're proud of us, but they're like, my husband's kind of gay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And they just accept it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I. Dude, it's. It's, like, embarrassing. I don't know what to do. Like, I was like, just like, talking sports, I don't follow it at all. So that it, like, it makes me feel really gay when other men are like, dude, you. Blah, blah. And I'm like, I don't.

[B]

When you told me that the last time I came on the show, it's something that. I swear to God, there's, you know, like, you know, I'm 40 now. You wake up, you have to pee, whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's been multiple times in the past, like, months since I've been on your show, I've woken up. I can't believe Matt doesn't know anything about sports. And I've just been thinking about it because you're such a guy who. You look at this guy. This is. This guy. You're like, he's going to be like an NFL broadcaster. And he doesn't know. I mean, he has a headset on like, Tony Romo right now.

[A]

I know. I mean, I love playing sports. I love playing sports. Like, I played football, basketball, and I'll still play sports. I just. I can't bear to follow them. I don't care.

[B]

It's amazing because, like, you look. It's funny to see, like, physically, you. I like to play sports. God gave you a body for sports. But then this is your brain.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

These paintings, this is what it is.

[A]

Israel is a great representation.

[B]

He laughed at us, I think when he made. Look, he's like, dude, I'm gonna make this matte one. I'm gonna put him outside Philly. I'm gonna make him look like an athlete, but then I'm just gonna have paint brushes and. And, you know, just gay stuff in his brain. And I think they laugh.

[C]

Yeah. And right now you do look like a high school, like, offensive coordinator with that headset on.

[A]

You know, I looked apart. Yeah.

[C]

The only thing you'll be is like, Robert Frost's Road Less Traveled is a beautiful poem, guys.

[A]

I know. Yeah, I know.

[B]

You look like a good too. Yeah, you really do.

[A]

I think I would have been a decent cop.

[B]

You would have been a decent cop. And I think. I think you also would have been a good. You're a really good coach if you did around with a kid. It was like in the 80s, right? It wasn't anything recent.

[A]

I hear what you're saying.

[B]

You know what I mean? So, like, one of those things, like, you were doing it when everybody's doing it?

[A]

No, I was young.

[B]

But you kind of had the. Into. You had the. The thoughts where you. You. You realized it was wrong in, like, the 90s.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Which is way ahead of most people.

[C]

He did it at a time where the parent would have sided with you and not the kids.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, true.

[C]

Being a Catholic, he taught you football. So. Yes, he was a good guy.

[A]

We had a. I went to a basketball camp. It was called Bucky Gill's Basketball Camp in Chichester. And he was the coach of the girls high school team. And he got. He got round. He was like, apparently, like, well, they're in. This was the rumor, I should say. He was, like, opening the shower curtain. He's, like, spraying them with soap. He was, like, back there partying with the girl.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Dude.

[A]

And then. But it all. We all had his basketball camp shirt because we. Everyone went there. But then when he got in trouble for it, we'd all wear the shirt. We thought it was funny. We'd all wear the shirt.

[B]

But with girls. But to me, with girls. Are you all right?

[C]

Yeah. No. I'm googling this story that's gonna blow your gu.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

With girls, though. With girls, I almost, like, obviously it's up, but it's not. It's like. It's. It's. That's rare. It's normally always. It's always boys getting clipped. It's usually always the boys getting clipped. I know I was in two situations. I went to Penn State football camp when I was a kid. Never got clipped. Never saw Jerry Sandeski, but never got clipped. And then there was another guy in Christ the King basketball coach, Bob Oliva, that also went down for that stuff. And I never got clipped by him. And I was many, many times in the gym, just him and I, because my mom had to work. So I would get. I was the kid that I would get dropped off. My mom would pay extra to drop me off at basketball camp at like 7am 45 minutes before because she had to get to work. And it was just him and I. And he never did anything. Never clipped me at all. And I know, like, the hack joke, what people say is like, oh, what about me? Whatever. Like, you know, But I genuinely had, like, feelings about it. I was like, am I ugly?

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Like, I really would talk to my therapist about it.

[A]

It's the opposite. I think you're. I think when you're like a Jack Strong kid, they know. They're like, no, this kid.

[B]

They won't. Yeah, well, you know what I think? Bob Oliva. And these people saw in me. They were like this style. Kiss me back. And that's not what I want.

[C]

I don't know if this has ever happened on a podcast. But I just realized that I got clipped.

[A]

When did you get clipped?

[B]

You got clipped?

[C]

I think I just got clipped. When you started talking, I was like, you got hit? I think I got hit.

[A]

That's how it works. You don't remember?

[B]

Tell us about it.

[C]

I gotta brace myself.

[B]

Tell us about it.

[C]

Wait. This is the exact position I was in. I think I got banged.

[B]

Who'd you get banged out by?

[A]

Someone made you an artist?

[C]

I think. St. Savior's. I think.

[B]

Yeah, somebody.

[C]

Somebody turned me into the arts. No, I'm kidding. But, dude, there's this crazy story where my. My brother went to Poly Prep. You know Poly Prep in Bay Ridge? Anyone can look up this story.

[B]

There was this brother who's an openly gay man.

[C]

Openly gay.

[B]

Openly gay man. Big time hotshot attorney. But a full. I mean, as gay, as gay. Gayer than you paint.

[A]

Your brother's a gay attorney?

[C]

He's. Yeah, $3 bill gay.

[B]

Which is what messes with him because he's got the. You know, his brother got hit hard with. So he's like, how much of this gay gene did I get Nick with? If. If literal, I came out of the same womb, which might be just a tainted gay wound.

[A]

Yeah, true. It's like, were we really wrestling that whole time?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. So I get his pain.

[C]

What was. Really. But, dude, this. This story is crazy. Philip Foglietta was his name. And he saw Smoky, legendary football coach at Poly Prep, and he molested. He had. He had a legendary program that, like, they were, like, incredible. The community supported him. Whatchamacallit. The mobs. What was the mob guy?

[B]

Oh, with John Gotti.

[C]

No, before him.

[B]

John Gotti, Phil Costa, Paul Castellano. Before him, the Gambino crime family.

[C]

Gambino.

[B]

Carlo Gambino.

[C]

Carlo Gambino's k. Yeah, Carlos.

[A]

The most Italian thing.

[B]

Sandwich shop.

[A]

It's Italian. Autism.

[C]

His son went there and this kid clipped, like, hundreds of kids.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Hundreds of kids for so long. And it finally came out and, like, so many kids got clipped. And it was happening, like, in front of kids. They had jokes about it, but it was just back in that era.

[A]

But he was like. He was like a gangster too.

[C]

No, he was just a legendary footballer.

[A]

Oh, I thought you're saying he was.

[C]

A part of, like, the Gambino's son went to that school. I don't think he got clipped.

[A]

I thought he was.

[C]

I want to say that he was.

[A]

Clipping kids and being like, forget about it.

[C]

Yeah, he kind of was.

[B]

He was Cream.

[C]

He was like the last guy anyone would expect, but he would take kids and he put them in his Cadillac. He did it in the most Italian way.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Like, let's go get some zeppel kid. You're. You're a good line man. And like, let me see a penis. Yeah, this will help you. You want to start? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It happens. But what is, what do we think? Because obviously, you know, the, the guys, that happens a lot. The Sandusky's of the world, these, the, the Folgliettas, whatever. But like women, women teachers have sex with this. Male students. Like it's rampant and they get caught all the time. But if you, if you, all you have to do I encourage you at home. Go home and just ask like three or four people if they know someone and they all know someone who maybe they're having. The woman hasn't gotten arrested, but they know. Like I know in high school, my friend banged the teacher. It was confirmed. It happened. She never got arrested for it. It never came out to the public. It never will. But it's.

[C]

So what is that?

[A]

Do we know why they don't get in trouble?

[B]

Well, no, no. Why do they constantly do that?

[C]

Why are they always hot?

[B]

Always, dude.

[A]

So I, I think it goes down to, or comes down to, like a lot of women's television is still centered around high school. Like even like, like, you know, like what? There's, there's always, in my opinion, a lot of those soaps have like a heavy high school romance element to it.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like women constantly watch high schoolers like make out and have sex. It's part of.

[B]

That's a good call. I never thought about that like euphoria, that show.

[A]

That was a big one, dude. All like the, you know, just all those like soapy dramas. A lot of them are centered around high school love. And that's like a thing for them. It's like the, the meeting when like a boy and a girl first, like they finally kiss and meet.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like their brains like freaking.

[C]

You don't think it's payback though for like centuries and centuries and centuries of 50 or 40 year old dudes just marrying 11 year olds and now girls are finally like, you know what? I'm gonna bang this 16 year old just to pay back what guys have been doing to us for so long.

[A]

Yeah. I'm going to be a pedophile.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy. They got, they came so far that they can be pedophiles. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

They just.

[C]

How you know that we're equal now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You think Trump will change the law and just let boys be. Have a legal age at like 13, and you could just fucking clip them all day like boys just for boys. You think Trump will just be like, these kids, these boys really don't give a shit. Their mom's getting in the way. I mean, honestly, if I was 15 and I. If I was 15 and I actually. I'm sorry. No. I lost my virginity at 17, but then I was 17 and banged a woman in her 30s, so that's technically a crime. Right. But I don't care. Yeah, she doesn't. I. I would never. It would never make a difference to me.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But if I was a girl, I might get older and be like, I got.

[A]

Yeah. Seduced.

[C]

Was she a babysitter or a family friend or.

[B]

She was a family friend. That's crazy. You knew that she was a family friend? Yeah, I might have told you. Maybe I told you she was a family friend.

[C]

The thing about the women.

[A]

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[C]

They. They don't. They always do it like that. They even do it in a woman way. Like, they get to know you first. You talk to them.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Guys just snatch up and put you in the car. Women are like, yeah, let's see, you're my. I'm gonna give you Spanish lessons after class, right? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're my little buddy.

[C]

They do it more emotionally.

[A]

Yeah, but that's the thing, though. The problem is as. Then as a 17 year old, you can get, like, sucked into, like, adult kind of dynamics. Like, you know, say she's cheating on her husband. That's like a crazy thing to get a kid in the middle of.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

1. Although, to be fair, I don't know. Would you rather if you were to be cuckolded, would you rather it be like a young, like, boy?

[C]

No, I'd like it to be a black guy with a big dick.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You just want to go straight to the.

[C]

I just wanted to know that it's. And I'll. I'll give it to her. I'll be like, I get. I get what you need.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you need the rest of that whole film?

[B]

Do you know the. Do you know the myth of the black guys with the big dick? Do you know where that comes from? The black guy?

[C]

From their dicks?

[B]

Well, no, they. They absolutely hunt. They.

[C]

You play basketball. The biggest things I've seen are. It's crazy.

[B]

I know.

[C]

Shout out to Tim Fudd. Can you cackle that?

[B]

Yeah. Please.

[C]

Put a. Put a mute over that.

[B]

Yeah, he named a real.

[C]

I need a real guy with a dick that. I mean, if you saw this thing, you're going, what is a mutant?

[A]

What is this chaos from the locker room?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I know, dude. The locker room for me. I went to an all boy Catholic high school and I remember like the boy, you know, obviously the players, like everyone going in there butt naked. And I would go in with the bathing suit shorts on because, you know, I'm a little embarrassing. But then I remember the older kids would be like, take off the bathing suit shorts. What are you gay? Isn't it gayer if my dick and balls are out with the rest of you? But the black. But the black dick thing. So supposedly, supposedly, I think this. I think this might have been like 1600s, late 1600s, when the first waves of African slaves started to come over. The men, the white men, were so scared that they were gonna. Because they were how muscular they were, that their wives were just gonna bang them left and right. They said that they're dicks were so big. But it was a negative thing back then. Like, they're gonna kill you and you're gonna get killed by them. Like that's a weapon. And so that. And then. But then it became like, we want the big dick. But back then the big dick was frowned upon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it was like a negative thing.

[A]

It was a bad thing. In ancient Greece, if you had like a real small, just flaccid penis, people will be like, what a astonishing man.

[C]

I got so nervous.

[B]

That's why these sculptures, medieval sculptures, are all little flaccid penises. Because that was beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, you were smart.

[C]

I got so scared just watching him at that podium when he said African slaves, I was like, I hope this finish the podium is just kind of like you're going, all right, let's just.

[A]

It's such a funny thing to be like, oh, those huge, muscular, exotic guys. Yeah, well, trust me, they got huge dicks. You want anything to do with. Yeah, Maggie, Some guy raised like his pint of ale, like, I got it.

[C]

I know, but, dude, it turns out that they do.

[B]

They do.

[C]

I mean, not all of them, but the ones that are big are like big. And like the Chinese guys, you. I mean, we've all seen the porn. It's just some of it is genetic.

[B]

No, you could look this up. The science though says as far as like penis length, the African culture, black people in general, don't have bigger dicks than anybody else.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

If you look at the science.

[A]

There's condom studies. They released the data, and it wasn't the average. It wasn't as big as you would thought in terms of, like, compared. It's not.

[B]

They just had a couple 14 inches.

[A]

But I think their outliers do. I think they kind of.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I don't know. It's also crazy to be white and have, like, a huge cr. That's.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Kind of something unsettling about that.

[B]

Yeah. I remember, like, when, you know, Pete Davidson reduced. I remember, like, when Pete Davidson got really, really. He would get a reduced reduction.

[A]

I would take it right back to where I'm at now. I'd be like, this is crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember when Pete Davidson got, like, you know, like, really famous and started to, like, blow up and everyone was saying how big of a dick he has. Whatever. And, like, all these comedians were, like, making tick tocks be like, dude, I could confirm. I saw it. I started comedy with them. I was like, he started comedy when he was 16.

[C]

What happened there?

[A]

Yeah, I knew him way back before. He's famous.

[B]

I could confirm that. Dude, I saw it in high school, bro.

[C]

Yeah, it was before he was 12. Yeah. My.

[A]

I was at a. I didn't know people did that.

[B]

That's good. It was crazy. I was literally seeing people be like, stop. Don't phrase it like that. Yeah, say it like, I saw it a week ago. But if you said when you. We did a road gig together and he just pulled it out, I'm like, yeah, dude. The kid started at 16. His mom used to call me and make sure that he was, like, being okay on the road because he was a child. Yeah.

[A]

You had to be like, dude, his dick's huge.

[B]

I'd be like, Mrs. Davidson, he's fine as his dicks. Wraps around my neck, though. How do we stop this? Do I have to feed him?

[A]

It is funny to ride the wave of, like, just someone else's dick. Just like. Yeah, I saw it. And, you know, catch me on the road at.

[B]

Just put your dates across the shaft of his dick of the pick you have from when he's 18.

[A]

Yeah. For your dick to get, like, a legend of its own. Must be kind of cool.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I mean, his hazard. I mean, no. No doubt about his. Has it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But my net. You ready for this? My call, though. My next call for the just the new absolute coxman is going to be Marcelo from. From. I think Marcelo's the next coxman. Big.

[C]

Big.

[B]

He's like the Latino Pat. Pete Davidson.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Imagine Pete. All the power Pete has. But on top of that, you're Latino, Unstoppable.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How do you stop that?

[A]

Although Pete's vague ethnicity is kind of powerful. That's true, too, because you're like. You don't know what that guy. You're like, yeah, whatever, man.

[B]

Could be black.

[C]

He looks like a black guy who bleached his skin.

[B]

He looks.

[C]

He looks like Sammy Sosa.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he's just a white guy.

[C]

Yeah, he's just a white guy, dude. He's a.

[B]

From Staten Island.

[C]

He's a fireman son. He's like, as white as. He get.

[B]

White.

[C]

Working classes, he get. But. But he does have a black face.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he's got the.

[B]

The match, supposedly.

[C]

Yeah, allegedly does. It's definitely not small, dude.

[A]

It made it to the halls of Kardashian.

[C]

That's a big.

[A]

That's just. Party must be crazy.

[C]

There's a certain length to get into that party. That's been established as a precedent that was set that he had to meet. He had to meet.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You got to have a dick that size. You have to have 50 bitcoin. One or the other.

[C]

Yeah. Kim Kardashian, you know. You know when you go on the rides, your kid go to, like, a. Goes to a ride, and the ride says, you got to be this tall. Kim Kardashian just goes and measures your dick and go. You can come into this ride.

[A]

You got to put on a digital scale.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But it's crazy because, like, I'm like, you know, as men's minds, like, I think we all still think in our minds, like, oh, maybe one day we can hook up with Kim Kardashian, too, even though we have no chance and no desire to.

[A]

I saw her in real life one time. It was just happenstance. She's way shorter than you think. But it was for real. It was like. I went, yeah, like you. Like. I was. I was stunned, dude.

[B]

I felt that way. Two weeks ago, I did a show at Lucali's Pizzeria, very famous pizzeria in Brooklyn. Some of the best pizza in. Probably the best pizza in New York. And besides Joe and John's, my local pizzeria, Shout out, Ridgewood, Queens, baby. But. But Anne Hathaway was in the second row of the show. And when I tell you, the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen in my life, besides, of course, my girlfriend, and obviously she's way hotter. Duh.

[C]

But.

[B]

But Anne Hathaway, was it literally to the point where I would do a joke. I would be like, you know, she was sitting over here, and I'd be, like, scanning the room, and I'd do a joke, and I'd hit the punchline, and I would, you know, like, people be laughing, and I would slowly go like this and just make sure, like, almost like, is she laughing? And there was a couple times I saw her laugh, and I swear to God, dude, I got butterflies in my heart. I was like, oh, my God. And then you have this fantasy, like, she's gonna come out here and be like, you know, you were so great. Like, why don't we just. Like, why don't you talk to your wife and I'll talk to my husband? You and I could just be together and they'll allow it, and we just be together and. And it'll be great. And you. We could do movies together, but, like, our wives and husbands don't care. And they're actually. They're actually cheering it over, supporting us, you know? And then you. And then I just drive home, and then you're, like, depressed that, like, she didn't, you know, DM you. And then you're like, man, I guess I suck.

[C]

Do you remember when we were in that.

[A]

Thinking about you right now.

[B]

100, dude.

[C]

Yeah, she's probably watching the. Our show History Hyenas. Yeah, she probably is a big fan. Do you remember?

[B]

Probably on the Patreon.

[C]

She's probably on the Patreon. You never. Do you remember we were in that sushi restaurant in LA with Tim Dillon?

[B]

Oh, yes, yes. It's a great story, dude.

[C]

So Emma Stone was in there, and she went to the bathroom and. No, but wait, wait.

[B]

But, Yanis, you're missing a key part. Let me just set this up. We're in this very famous sushi restaurant with Tim. It's me, Yanni, and Tim Dillon. And Tim Dillon, 20 minutes before, is telling us how much Emma Stone hates him.

[C]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Remember, he's telling us Emma Stone despised him. And me and Giannis are listening, but we're kind of be like, this is. Maybe Tim's just, like, making it a bigger deal. Maybe Emma Stone. Like, there's no way that Emma Stone hates him. And we were like, maybe Emma Stone doesn't even know who any of us are. We don't know. But we were like, whatever. And then. Go ahead.

[C]

And then she was in the restaurant.

[B]

Like, in a movie. Twenty minutes later, actual Emma Stone walks in and. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And I think she came in for this was my, like, Serendipitous. Moment she came in because I. I think she's the most gorgeous thing in the world. I love how big her eyes are. I like pale women. Except for my wife. My wife's the most beautiful. Beautiful.

[B]

Absolutely Italian, half Greek, but she smoke show Mrs. Papas.

[C]

She went to the bathroom. She went to the bathroom. And I just saw it as an opportunity to be in the bathroom after Emma Stone.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

So she went to the bathroom, came out, and then I went to the bathroom. And I did not sniff her seat.

[B]

You did.

[C]

I did not. But I did sit down and pee.

[A]

That's perfect.

[C]

I sit down and pee. Yeah.

[A]

And so nice.

[B]

But. And that. And then also.

[C]

That's not creepy, right?

[A]

No, no, no.

[C]

But any guy would have done that.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

I mean, you would have done that, right?

[B]

100.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Was she just a little bit cooler than, like, the average.

[C]

She smell good in there?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I just remember how good the bathroom smells.

[A]

She just ravaged.

[C]

I just sat and I was like, this is just where Emma Stone peed. And then it did great.

[B]

But Emma.

[A]

Then she didn't she flush. That'd be nice if you peed on her pee. That would have been.

[C]

That would have been incredible.

[B]

She in the sink. How great would that would have been? You just go, there's a turd in the sink. But she walked past us and was like, holy Emma Stone. And then she came back the other. Because Tim was sitting with his back charts. But then when she came back out of the bathroom, she walked and looked at Tim and I saw. I saw her go, yeah, like that. So it confirmed everything he said.

[C]

It could have just.

[B]

She does hate him. Which have been.

[C]

Just the way he was eating.

[A]

Just like, what was their beef? Why the. Would you.

[B]

Something with Tim, you know, Because Tim's hilarious.

[C]

Your husband? Yes, that's what happened.

[B]

No, Tim's hilarious on social media. And I think he was tweeting, like, you know, hilarious. But maybe like on an Emma Stone.

[A]

Movie, you know, that happens.

[C]

You know, that's what just makes me think about celebrity. Is it worth it to just like, you know, Emma Stone? Poor girl. She just went into the bathroom to take a piss, and then there was this guy that went in there and just sat down and peed after her. Yeah. And I'm telling it on a big podcast. I'm sorry.

[B]

I'm sorry, Emma Stone.

[C]

I'm sorry. I did.

[A]

You did nothing wrong.

[C]

I did nothing wrong. I don't think it's not.

[A]

I didn't feel a hot lady's body heat on the toilet.

[C]

But it's creepy a little bit. I'm sorry.

[B]

I'm taking on my phone. I just want to make sure my hair's still good, because these fans are just unbelievable.

[C]

It looks great, dude.

[B]

All right, we're good.

[C]

It's not.

[B]

Guys. Can't stop.

[A]

It's creepy.

[C]

What I want to do is hang an ornament right off that Christopher Reeves curl. Yeah, just right there.

[A]

That would be. Actually.

[B]

What do you think of that?

[A]

That's nice. Yeah, that'd be really nice. Mistletoe.

[C]

Yeah. Just put it right there and then right on the mouth.

[B]

I just. By the way, I just looked out my. I just looked at my phone to, like, you know, like, see my hair. And then I. I just looked at, like, a quick text, and I have a special coming out for Hulu in February, and I just got a text from, like, the person who, like, runs it. Like, hey, we. We. We really need to have a conversation, so just call me when you can. I'm like, here we go. It's over, baby. It's over. There it is, folks. And it's gone. Yeah, just like, the way. Wait. You know, I just think it's done now, so this will be a fun next 30 minutes for me to just know. It's just wait. Just waiting. Just. And then calling her. And then her not calling me back for a week.

[C]

That would have been weird if it was Emma Stone who texted you. Imagine, like, whoa. That would have been.

[B]

Yeah, I.

[A]

So I want to.

[C]

That's.

[A]

That's very funny. It's funny. You have to sit with that for the next half an hour.

[B]

Deal with it.

[A]

Here's my thing. I don't think it's that great. That's like. That's like a mercy because it's creepy. Would have been, like, waiting right by the door to try to do, like, a rom com. Like, oh, sorry. Oh, my God. Like, oh, crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm Yona.

[A]

Do I know you?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She probably gets people that, like, want to take pieces of her hair, her skin. If. If the worst thing about you. You want to sniff her toilet seat after she goes to the bathroom, she might be like, we can actually go on dates.

[C]

I didn't.

[A]

Not sniff. Not sniff. Feel her warm. Feel the warmth of her body.

[C]

You would have done the same as what you're saying.

[A]

Yeah, we're gonna waste it, you know, like, look it. That's her body heat.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's gonna just fade up. Or you can just enjoy it before it gets, like, inducted back up.

[B]

There's no rule against it. I had to go to the bathroom, and it happens to be Emma Stone, and I want to just sit in your body heat. I'll do that.

[A]

And you didn't, like, jerk off.

[C]

No, but I mean, but even if.

[B]

He would have, it's his.

[C]

It's he anything. Yeah, but I didn't do anything. But I have not bathed the bottom half of my body since.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So just. She's with me. I don't know if that's creepy. She's with me. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, you did absorb her body heat. Part of her does live inside of you.

[C]

I mean, I do hang out outside her house a lot and take photos, but that's a different thing. That's.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Public property. I.

[A]

You know, girls love that stuff, man.

[C]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

I'm happy that you said that. They do, because girls, I. As much as like the world we live in where, like, do not objectify me feminism. They want you to tell them how hot they are at all times, and you want.

[A]

They love. Like, they'll be. That's so weird. But if they, like, say they took a dump and it kind of stinks. If you just stood in the bathroom and you're like. They're like, oh, my God, get out of here. I love that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Love that.

[B]

Dude, whatever. If, you know, when I wake up next to my girl, she's like, you know, I try to, like, kiss her good morning. She's like, no, stop. She has morning breath, and I just burrow in there like a gopher. She loves it.

[A]

Yeah, dude, they love.

[C]

It's a thin line. It's a thin line between complimenting them in creepiness. It's a thin line. Line.

[B]

Well, there's actual in stench in the stink of men and women. I think there's actual. What's the, like, term for actual pheromones in the rectangle. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Boom.

[C]

200.

[A]

I don't know why your thing went off.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's a fact. I think that's what we call on the history news, a truth bader. Ginsburg. That there's pheromones. There's pheromones inside stench. That. That actual, like, that's. You're supposed to have stinky sex.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

The best sex.

[C]

Is that just something Jim Norton told you because he likes to get women on his ch.

[B]

That's what Jim Norton told me. After. After he was like, just drink this.

[A]

No, I. Dude, I agree. If I still, to this day, if I smell like. Like when women put on. No, women put on deodorant, but their body odor still comes through a little bit. That smell drives me, like, absolutely.

[B]

I love. I love a girl with pit smell.

[A]

It's a little bit through the deodorant. It's just like. I love that.

[C]

Do you like a girl with a little bit of fumes?

[A]

Yeah, I honestly don't mind it.

[B]

Yeah, I don't mind. Gretel.

[A]

Yeah, I don't mind a little bit.

[B]

Bit, you know, fumes.

[A]

Are you talking about coming off the box?

[C]

Yeah. Talking about little fumes.

[A]

It depends on the fumes. I prefer not. Here's the thing. I can take if it's like, pungent, but just like kind of like bold spices. But if. If there's the fish smell.

[B]

Yeah, can't do it. But there are girls. What we say on our show is there are girls, though, that we call swim throughs. Where you will swim through. They're so hot. Where you will swim through fumes just to bang that. Like. Like, if Kim Kardashian had fumes, she'd. She'd be considered a swim through.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, she'd be considered a swim through for Rome, meaning what we mean by that is you'd swim through her fumes just to bang her out. And then for Rome, meaning if we were living in ancient society, she would be taken for the Roman Empire, ripped away from her mom and dad, and she would be part of the harem of King Giannis.

[C]

That's how hot.

[B]

That's what it would be.

[A]

And you probably fix. That'd be nice to, like, take a girl like that and then fix her fumes back in Roman times right now. But in Roman times, that was chilled and be like, dude, I'm gonna fix your fumes, dude.

[B]

In Roman times, that was a real worry. Like, fix your fumes.

[C]

It's like a shop in Roman. Fix your fumes.

[A]

Crowd from the ground up.

[B]

Dude, in Roman, that was a real worry. Like, imagine being a father and, you know, your daughter's like 16 and a smoke show. You're like, this girl's gonna get taken for real. The emperor's gonna come and take her. When they come to our town, they're gonna take her for the hermit. I can't do anything.

[C]

Yeah, I know for a fact if I was an emperor, that's just. Unfortunately, that's what I would do. Yeah, Well, I would just roll around my chariot and go.

[A]

Do you think? But back then, I think it was kind of like if your daughters got snatched up by an emperor. You'd be like, yeah, dude, yeah. High five your wife and like, we fucking did it.

[B]

Well, they did. If they snatch you up, according to the, to the research we've done, if they've snatched up up your daughter for Rome, which is a real thing, you would, you would get a tax break. So it's like, you know. Yeah. You don't have to hit taxes that year because we took your kid. So what are you going to do?

[A]

Deduction.

[C]

Yeah, do it.

[B]

Not bad. It's a write off.

[C]

That's a real, that's a really great Republican platform.

[B]

Why not?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Like, you guys want lower taxes? Give me your daughter, dude.

[B]

I think Olympic athletes that win gold medals should get no pay, no taxes. I think, I think that's because you're not going to get any money. So my thing is like, if you win the gold medal for us, no tax. Taxes.

[C]

I like that idea.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And you're on a podium. I think it's great.

[A]

I didn't realize they get over so bad.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

You spend your whole life doing that and then it's just like, then they don't give a. About silver medal. I guess you can start like your own type of lessons back home.

[C]

You got to be like a super. Like Simone Biles gets money.

[B]

Yes. Michael Phelps got real money.

[C]

Whoever gets the bronze medals and work there until he's not.

[A]

And it's so impressive. You're like, you know, you're like the third best person in the world. It's like, yeah, dude. Thought, yeah, they should. You're right. They shouldn't pay taxes, dude.

[B]

That's my. And then I, I military shouldn't pay taxes, dude. And I think if you did the right thing in November, you shouldn't pay taxes. And I did the right thing.

[C]

My opponent here, he thinks nobody should pay taxes. I believe that the government should pay for gender reassignment surgery.

[B]

That's, that's what it is. Yeah. Goes left.

[C]

Yanni, I think that's my position.

[A]

Gender reassign.

[B]

Dude, we met with our driver.

[C]

You can have something to jerk off to.

[B]

Yeah, dude, our driver. Yes.

[C]

You saw that clip? Yeah, yeah. And ain't nothing wrong with it.

[A]

I'm off the porn. I'm off the board.

[C]

Yeah. Ain't nothing wrong with it.

[B]

Not at all.

[C]

Yeah. Sometimes you just look and you go, I'm fooled.

[B]

I'm fooled.

[C]

Sometimes a guy in a wig, you just go, you know what? I'm full.

[A]

I'm telling you, man, it's like you watch the porn and it's just like. It just starts to be like. Yeah. You watch it so much, and you're like, what's this? And it's just a new thing.

[B]

Well, it's disassociation, like Giannis was telling me yesterday. He was like, you're this. And then you start to think about, how come my wife doesn't look like that. Why don't we do that?

[C]

Where's your penis, baby? I said that to her a few times.

[A]

Here's the eternal. Here's the eternal question. Question. What would you rather do? So if you had to have sex with a. Like a straight up, you know, buck angel.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Like a dude with a. Or a lady with a dick, who would you rather?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, can I do it quicker?

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's a weird. It's.

[C]

I'll even go one further. Like a hot beautiful with a great personality. Because it's not all about the physical. Forever women or like, a butchy lesbian or Roseanne O'Donnell trance.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You wouldn't take down, like, a stud.

[C]

And I'm just. I'll just pretend if we're having sex that my penis was so big it popped out the other side.

[B]

Right.

[C]

So you got to do is use your imagination.

[B]

Well, we watched a science video about. About the neuroscience of the brain. We watched this a few years ago where they said actual. From a scientific point of view, the highest climax, the best orgasm a man can have is when they're watching transgender porn. Because the number one things, the one and two things that men are attracted to, most men, are big boobs and a big dad dick. So even that is the thing, and that's heterosexual men. We're not talking about gay men. We're talking because a heterosexual man, even if it's not transgender porn, will fast forward subconsciously if the man's penis is not big enough while they're watching it. Because we. Everything. We mirror everything. So a big penis and big boobs, theoretically, would get the most excitement from the male brain, and that's a transgender person. And that's another truth. Bader Ginsburg.

[C]

It's subconscious, and it's just the way it is. And the truth is that gay guys don't watch. Watch that.

[B]

They don't.

[C]

Like, you guys are not in.

[A]

Yeah, they're not.

[C]

Some of it's impressive. You're going, yeah, it's almost like, impressive. It's like when you see, like, when a Puerto Rican soups up a car.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You're going like, look what they did.

[A]

With that Honda, the ground effects.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

This was a guy. He looked at the rims he put on that. Look at those rims he put on that body.

[B]

You're not. And you're not gay. Like, we. I think we sit. Sit and think a lot. We're gay. And that's why it's great to be in comedy. I have gay friends because I've asked Mateo Lane multiple times, am I gay? And he said, no, you're not gay. You're just fat, feminine. But that's not gay.

[A]

It's not gay.

[B]

You're more like a woman than a man, but you're not attracted to men, and that's because you really don't know, man. As you're. As your brain starts to develop, you're like, I don't know. Because I will not immediately push a handsome man out of my brain. If he pops in while I'm masturbating, I'll let him hang out a little bit. Yeah, but that's just being a. More of a woman, not a gay man. Because we said it many times, and Giannis is the one who discovered this, that I like to. I fall in love with men, but I have sex with women, and that's just who I am. But that's not gay.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

According to Mateo, who I would say is like. I mean, he's the top gay, and.

[A]

They can tell if they're gay. They can look at you and be like, they know.

[B]

He's told me, dude.

[C]

I mean. But Chris did try to crawl in my bed last night with me.

[B]

Yeah. Really? Because I just got a little freaked out because my TV wasn't working. I don't like sleeping in the dark. So I just knocked on Giannis's door, and I said, can I just post up in here?

[A]

Yes, Jill.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But I couldn't. But then I couldn't because his feet smelled so bad. So I just had. I'd rather sleep with the fear of Ted Bundy popping out of a closet.

[A]

That was your hetero kicking in. Just the smell was off. And you're like, what the am. I got to get out of here.

[B]

I got to get out of here, dude. Because if I was a real gay guy, then I would have just went in and tried to, you know, washed.

[A]

You would have washed his feet?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

100%, dudes.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Made it work for me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a quiet blow, slow blowjob.

[C]

But you're a big fan of history. Yeah, just a quiet, slow one.

[B]

That would.

[C]

That.

[B]

That. That one made me Like, I felt that one. A quiet, slow blowjob to your male friend. Like that literally, like, it actually made me like pause. Like, we're around. But that one, I have to be like, oh, whoa, whoa. Yeah, that's like, like you grab onto the podium. Like, holy, Matt went crazy just now.

[C]

The quiet and slow is gayer than the blow job. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

[B]

If you would have been like, oh, a teethy blow job. Like, ah, yeah, man. But quiet is a manly one.

[C]

Like, yeah, that one.

[B]

Like, yeah, that's another one. I'll just probably think about that.

[A]

What the are you doing, man?

[B]

You're gonna get a text from me. Like, 4:00am Quiet and slow. Question mark.

[A]

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[C]

But yo, yo, we. We talk. We talk about this all the time. And you love history, too. On our show, we talk about, when you look back at history, at all the empires, just the top guys like the viceroys and the emperors and all that, they just engaged. They took whatever was on the table. Men, women, eunuchs, boys. And like, they were the toughest dudes. Like, Alexander the Great was like the most masculine guy. And that guy had a straight up boyfriend.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

He had boys.

[C]

He had. And he had a. But an actual, like, lover that was his. I can't remember his name.

[B]

Name. I'm forgetting something. Greek.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was a battle boy. He took a boy in a battle. It was a battle boy.

[C]

No, but it was. No, he had one guy that was like his 13 year, like, partner. And when that guy died, he made it like a holiday. He quieted. He was like. It was like a. He was like. He was beside himself.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

And yeah, I think he just was in a great depression because he was in love with a guy.

[B]

There were no labels back then, though. That's the thing. It's like you being gay or straight was irrelevant. They didn't care about that.

[C]

It was like.

[B]

It was more of like, do you love your country and want to fight in war or not? But you being gay. They were like, we don't. That's not. Everybody's banging guys, girls, animals. It doesn't matter. So now. And because dude, even like the label of being gay, that's like 150, 200 years old. Even in Abraham Lincoln's time, nobody cared that the guy, the. Who was it the guy before him? James Buchanan? Yeah, he was like, known gay, never had a wife. They used to call him. They used to call him his, like, guy that was always with them. I think they used to call him like Aunt Nancy or something like that, which, like a gay term back then. But, like, the people didn't care. His. His political opponents didn't slander him with that because they were like, nobody cares about this. So it only came later in life, like, oh, being gay was taboo.

[A]

Well, it's crazy too, that, you know, if you think about how strong gay must be to like fight through, like biblical, like the Bible belt stuff. And I'm sure in medieval Christianity it was probably kind of frowned upon. Oh, yeah, heavily, you know, pur. Puritan time times every day just like kept bubbling under the surface and eventually was like, yeah, we're gay. The whole society had to be like, all right, our bad.

[B]

Strong, strong driving force.

[C]

Listen to this. Like, people are like, oh, Pete Buttigieg.

[B]

Pete Buttigieg. We say Pete likes it in the Buttigieg.

[C]

Yeah, he does, unfortunately.

[B]

And I don't know why his political opponents, like, if he ever went up against Trump, I trumped out, which is what Trump should say. Pete likes it in the Buddha chat. That would go viral.

[A]

That would be.

[C]

Yeah, he's gonna watch us and take that.

[B]

Yeah. But my point is you can take it, dude.

[C]

People think that's so shocking that you're never a presidential candidate who was gay. But when you look back at the Roman Empire, Trajan was a full gay dude. And he was like the best Roman. He was like one of the ones by historians that's considered to be like one of the best emperors. And he was just a gay guy. He wasn't even into like, I'm gonna marry my horse or you. He was just love Ben.

[A]

I love. He's a gay guy. And the clarity, the clarity must be amazing to like not be just kind of like dealing with like a, a, A lady. Like, if you're a gay, like, and women are like, you're just like, I, I for real. I'm not doing this. We're immersed in like, yeah, you know, we're immersed in women's thoughts. If you're a wife and you're a straight guy, it's just like, you're constantly just dealing with just whatever, you know, it's just a minor problem that if you're a gay guy that imagine if those problems never cross your radar.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think I didn't eat all day. You know, you have to be like.

[C]

You can get a lot done.

[A]

Yeah, you can really crush.

[C]

You can look at Michelangelo and you're like, that guy got a lot done because he didn't have to listen to those like, people with smaller brains.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Bill Burr has like a good bit, like, paraphrasing about like, if you see like a lesbian of 35 year old lesbian in A bar who's married and a 35 year old married guy at a bar, straight guy. They have the same look, like they're both angry, pissed off. But then a 35 year old gay guy, like he was like, have you ever seen a sad gay man? And it's the truth. You have never seen. He was just always having fun life in the party.

[A]

There's also. There is actually a kind of a dark element to just like we used to do a comedy show in a gay bar. Are right. And they were so mean to the female comics.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Oh yeah, they are ruthless. Like lady was on, they'd be like, boo, honey, you stink. And like I was like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah. Ruthless. They can get kind of nasty.

[C]

Yeah, they can get really nasty. You know what I just thought of? You know, it's really funny to think about Michelangelo. Fully gay guy.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Painted the Sistine Chapel. All the people that come in and pray like hate homosexuals. But like the biggest Christian icon in the world. World was made by a flaming three dollar bill. I think that that's like kind of poetic justice for the gay community.

[A]

It's also imagine him just drawing all those beautiful baby penises.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Just. You need. You need the master.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like do you think after he sculpted David when he just that because that penis is like remarkably small. He didn't went like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Magnesium. Yeah. That is a good point you bring up. It's mostly baby penis that's he was painting. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And all the Popes came in. They're like fucking perfect.

[C]

You know, that was, you know, that was started by some powerful dude with a small dick. And he was like, everyone's dick's going to be small. Yeah. I don't want anyone to see because people probably saw each other's dicks all the time. They only had togas on. So when they sat down, I mean, they didn't have underwear yet.

[B]

No. And you had to live communally. A lot. A lot of people, people just lived in the same one big room. So this whole taboo of like sex is in private wasn't really a big thing back then. Like kids would watch their parents have sex as if they would watch a guy work out or whatever. They were like, it's just we all live amongst each other.

[A]

Yeah. We're like, yeah, get out of the way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You ever see how they. In those old Roman latrines where it was just like they all together. It was public. Public toilets and they. And they would hang out and it was social for them. They next to each.

[B]

What about toilet paper? What would they use?

[C]

That's the thing. I think they used water.

[B]

They used. Oh, really? Just wash your ass with some water.

[C]

Use leaves. I think they use water.

[A]

They didn't have it back then.

[B]

Even the hair of a unit.

[A]

Medieval London was the same. If you had to take a. You were supposed to like, walk out of town and like off the bridge and it would just fall in the river.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But if you, like, got caught dumping your thing, they would, like, really you up.

[C]

They would. The.

[A]

The. The butchers too, would just throw entrails out into the street every day. So you'd walk and there'd just be like rotting animal car.

[C]

Downtown Manhattan, right. That. That famous, like, lake, remember? Down.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

The old Manhattan.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. Collect pond. Yeah, that's what it was called.

[C]

Collect Pond. All the butchers, all the waste, human waste.

[B]

G. York time.

[C]

Yeah. Games in New York time.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There was just this disgusting lake that had all the waste from animals.

[B]

And butchers, they would do it.

[C]

It just. Yet We. We always say history stank. I mean, it just. You can smell. When you think about what history must have smelled like, it just.

[B]

It was Teddy Roosevelt who was the one that changed it all. Teddy Roosevelt instituted like, the sanitation department. And we come guys dressed in all white, like, we gotta clean this up. Because, dude, the idea of like a germ being discovered. That. That was the Louis Pastor. That wasn't that long ago.

[A]

You know who actually discovered Ger. There was a guy. He was a doctor in like. I don't. I forget where he was. Somewhere in like, maybe Belgium or somewhere. And they were doing this thing. I was just talking about this last night. They. So back then, they would deliver the babies. You know, a lot of babies died. So like, there was like, where they put the dead babies was really close to where they delivered babies. So doctors would be handling dead babies constantly, like, all right, here you go. And be like, all right, let me deliver this baby. So they're transferring, like, dead fetus germs to was. It was killing like 50% of the. The babies.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then this one doctor was like, dude, I think there's, like, stuff getting on our hands from these dead babies. And he started washing his hands with, like, a solution of whatever chemicals and the. And he, like, the. The infant mortality rate went down to, like, only, like, you know, 7% of the babies were dying.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

And then he tried to tell the other doctors about it, and they were like, nonsense. We're doctors and doctors are gentlemen. And Gentlemen are always clean. And then they like told this guy he was crazy, went in insane asylum and he died.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they eventually figured out, like, that he was true. He was totally right.

[B]

Infant mortality rate, you know, like when people, you know, you think like, oh, from the 1500s, 1600s, oh, we would have been dead by 35, 40. But that's not true. Like all like Benjamin Franklin. These guys lived to their 70s and 80s. It was the, the, it would say life expectancy of a male back then was whatever, 45. But it's because of the infant mortality rate. That's what science doesn't tell you. Because so many babies were dying at one minute old that it brings your average down. But if you passed, if you passed childhood, most likely you were going to live to your 70s and 80s like we are today.

[C]

That's crazy.

[B]

So we don't live much longer. It's just we don't die as babies as much because back then, no processed food, working with your hands out in the sun, all those things.

[A]

That makes sense. That's crazy because I've been thinking about that non stop being like, damn, if it was like 200 years ago, I'd have been dead. Like, I'm.

[C]

No, no, you wouldn't.

[B]

Most likely you might have died as a child if somebody put some dead baby juice on you.

[C]

But people did die of like, you know, viruses, germs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You get a fever and you're done.

[A]

So a lot, you know, a lot of wives died in childbirth.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It was really normal to have like three wives just from like your first two dying. Yeah, right.

[C]

The week definitely still kind of got, you know, it was more animalistic in the way that, you know, if you were at a weak immune system, you.

[A]

Were gonna go, yeah, you're out.

[C]

Nowadays, you know, there's a lot of weak people walking around. Yeah. Myself included.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Imagine trying to talk to like, you know, somebody in the 1700s about your mental health as a guy. They'd be like, like, what if the British are coming?

[C]

Yeah. What are you talking about?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Stab you with a bayonet.

[A]

I think it was improper to even like, bring it up. I think you had like a couple. Although I do like the letters people wrote each other in history. That's something we got to start back up. Beautiful, beautiful letters. Long letters to each other.

[B]

Instead of calling depression, depression, they said, I'm suffering from melancholia.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Beautiful.

[A]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[C]

They did it better. No. Nobody has a better joke about that than Greg. Geraldo, you Ever see that Greg Geraldo joke? He's like, back in the day would be like. Some soldier would be like, dearest mother, dearest Martha, I miss the. Please kiss the children on the forehead. And your visage. I miss your visage with every battle. And then now he goes, the letters now like, dear Marie. Don't nobody. Yeah, I'll be back.

[B]

It's changed.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's kind of. It kind of sucks.

[B]

I mean, dude, Josephine's and Napoleon's letters are. I mean, I mean, Joe, talk about stench. Napoleon. Napoleon is saying, I can't wait to fake it. Smell your bush. You said get your pube. Like basically paraphrasing. But he said, I want your pubes when I get there. I want your bush as. As big as possible. And I don't want you to take a shower. And he would come in feral and he needed to bang her out.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

With like a full. The stinkiest she could possibly have. So she would not bathe. Like if she knew he was coming. She wouldn't bathe for like five, six days and just let the bush go because that's what he wanted.

[C]

Wild boy, right? Dude.

[B]

Joe, look up if you're into that. Look up the letters between Josephine and Napoleon. Napoleon. They are wild.

[A]

Just totally like wild, dude. Damn. Requesting the big stinky bush is like pretty out.

[B]

He wanted it, like. Yeah, he wanted it big time.

[A]

I want it. Yeah. I want that thing lost.

[B]

Yes. He wanted it, dude. And that's just how he's, you know, at the top.

[C]

Always have some peculiarity about them. Yeah, for sure. And here's the thing about Napoleon. He actually wasn't that much of a squeak.

[B]

He wasn't that funny. Was a little guy under five six.

[A]

Because everybody was kind of short.

[C]

He was like five, seven or eight.

[B]

You know what that was, right? It was. It was British misinformation. What, the British did that on purpose. There was a writer, I'm blanking on his name, but he wrote when the British were fighting the French that let's make Napoleon because nobody really knew back then. Let's just make do all these political cartoons of him being really short. But he. So it's not like he was over like George Washington was legit six, five.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was tall. Lincoln was tall. But Napoleon wasn't tall like that. But he just was a normal height. So this whole idea of like Napoleon complex is there's truth in that. But he didn't suffer from it because he wasn't short enough. He was an average height for that Guy. Yeah, dude.

[C]

Just let you know, man, like, a lot of the stuff in history is just not true.

[B]

It's just misinformation, dude. Even.

[C]

Even fake news.

[B]

It's fake news that Trump's not wrong with that, dude.

[A]

He really did blow the lid off. I mean, I remember watching the news when I was, like, 20, but I was. I was always, like, very stoned all the time. And I was like, dude, this just is fake.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then I would still, like, read the headlines and, like, there's got to be some modicum of truth to it. And then, like, he really did blow the lid off that. I was like, oh, shit, we are being all lied, dude.

[B]

I read this book. I read 1776 and then this book, the British are coming, and they basically were saying that even the Declaration of Independence, that was all made up by the Founding Fathers. They created this idea of like, oh, we want to be free from the British and independence. But, like, that wasn't when the Revolutionary War started. It was all they want. All the people were saying was, was, we just want to be taxed. If we're going to be taxed. We just want to be represented in Parliament. That's it. Because we don't want the British to leave. Because if you think about. Put yourself in the mind of a colonist back then, besides like, a select few, like, wild patriots, but most of.

[C]

The column, I just got instantly racist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in there. He's like, oh, yeah, you go sit over there and don't talk.

[B]

Yeah, get some guys in chains.

[C]

I was just listening to your instructor.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Yeah, sorry.

[B]

They didn't even know what that was.

[C]

Jesus, look at this dirty Irish. Irish Mick. They're all drunk.

[B]

Drunk.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

You're about to go outside and handle business.

[C]

Yeah, I'm hating myself. You dirty Greek. Yeah, you Greek, but you white.

[B]

N word.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

That's okay.

[C]

I put myself in the mind of a colonialist.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

It just got the super stream.

[C]

Oh, yeah. There was a time you'd look at him if you were back then with this dirty Irish.

[B]

They were the most racist against the Irish. They were pretty bad in New York.

[A]

They were bad. They were terrible, though. When you read about, like, what they were up to, you're like, scott, those guys must have been fucking terrible.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I was reading. I was reading Angela's Ashes and, like, it's so sad. The first chapter, just like, the author introduces his family. His little sister dies, just like, in a stroller by herself at nighttime. The family's like, they're just all devastated. So they go back to Ireland, and they're on a boat. The mom's on the boat. She's pregnant again, and she gets sick. And as they're looking at the Statue of Liberty, she's explaining it to her family. She's like, I look how beautiful this is. And then she goes and threw up. And it just. The vomit just missed it in the wind. Just went on all the other passengers, and they're all like, you, God damn it, lady, get the out here, you. And he just watched seagulls eat his mom's vomit as they, like, sailed away.

[B]

It's beautiful.

[A]

It is kind of beautiful, but it was the spray of just being like, oh, there it is, crushing all the passengers, dude.

[B]

So these colonies, they would. The Declaration, they, you know, they just wanted to be taxed, right? They just want to be represented by Parliament. Parliament. But back then, they were like, if you were 13, if you were a colonist, you had. You wanted the British, because you had. To the north, the French, who at that point wasn't on your side, and they would kill you and take your land. And then to the south, Spain, who definitely didn't like you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then to the west, Native Americans, who absolutely despised you. And the only thing stopping those three people from coming to kill you were the British. Because they were like, where one of the British. You do not fuck with Britain. That's a British subject. So. But then the war is going on, you know, 1775, whatever. All the soldiers, they did nine months, but they were like, dude, we got to go home. We're going to lose to these British fucks. We got to go home because we got our farms. We got to take care of our farms. Our wives are dying. Like, the. Oh, who knows? We have to go back. And they just started leaving in droves. So Washington, Thomas Paine, Common Sense was like a pamphlet, like, the first viral thing that ever happened. He Tom, George Washington told Thomas Payne, dude, you're like a great writer. Why don't you make up? Can you make up something to, like, galvanize these guys to come back? So they came up. Up with, what if we change this messaging from taxation without representation to, let's be free from the tyrannical Brits. Let's just be free from these fuckers. Don't you hate them? And then that messaging started to get into people's minds, and then, next thing you know, they're fighting the British, and they're like, this is not even what we wanted. But we just believed the fake news. And then obviously, as you know, Benjamin Franken had to go over to Paris and bang some of Louis the Louis King Louis concubines lines to get in Louis ear. And then he convinced. He convinced the French to get into the war because the French hate the British more than anybody. Yeah. And then we won. But that was not. So it was fake news. How it starts. That's what these books said.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And that was the last time the French were tough. Yes, dude.

[B]

They got steamrolled in World War II.

[C]

Big.

[B]

Yeah, we gotta talk about that for another day. But the French got absolutely field goal kicked in and World War II, and they were the number one seed. They were the number one army in the world.

[A]

But they would always bankrupt themselves. That was a problem. Everything I've read about French history is them being like, all right, how money do we have? Like, nothing.

[B]

Yeah, dude. And another.

[A]

Damn it.

[B]

Another fun fact. History with the French. Like Dunkirk, when they got, like, steamrolled and Dunkirk and he almost lost everything. Whatever. I read something that said one of the main. One of the. Of course, Germany was this crazy army on a mission. Whatever. But Hitler would not allow the German soldiers to get prostitutes. Or if you. If you got caught masturbating or drinking, you could take the Ponzer chocolate, which was crystal meth. So they allowed meth. But no. But no banging prostitutes and no masturbating and no alcohol. Alcohol. Because he wanted, like, a fucking tip top army where the French were encouraging prostitution and were encouraging you to, like, be free, sexually free. And supposedly there was sexual STDs running rampant through the French army those last six months before the Nazis took over them. And these guys were, like, fighting with, like, active chlamydia and vd where the Germans were just coming in fully loaded, cocks on crystal meth, ready to steamroll.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

And that's like a big part of, like, why they just beat the shit out of everybody. But then as the war went on, the crystal meth, obviously, you can't take that for so long.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Then even Hitler, you started to go nuts.

[C]

Yeah. It's just like rock and roll. They had better drugs.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The best bands had better drugs, dude.

[B]

That's what they say.

[A]

Meth psychosis. And, like, World War II as, like, a Nazi soldier must have been.

[B]

Dude, imagine coming out of that. A lot of Nazi soldiers killed themselves when they got back to Germany because they were like, not only does the world hate us, but, like, I didn't want to do This. I was on meth and I killed all these people and did all this shit, and now I'm done. And they killed themselves.

[C]

Yeah, I don't think you could. I think. I think you can't do war without drugs.

[B]

You have to be.

[A]

Yeah, I. I think so. I think it's. You're just ripping addies now and. Yeah, you got to be a real.

[C]

Psychopath to just go sober.

[A]

Sober. Yeah, it's hard to do like, stand up without be funny.

[C]

A guy facing death, he's like, no, dude, I got 13 days sober. You guys drink, dude, I mean, like, we're going.

[B]

What do you think this is? This is drugs, dude. This is. I'm on using a drug right now.

[A]

Yeah, I needed it today, really. But yeah, I think a lot of it too is just nicotine. I think they're just crushing nicotine pouches. Probably like 500 milligrams of caffeine a day.

[C]

Yeah, that's it.

[A]

There's. I. There's a nice story about World War II.

[C]

Nothing that would chill them out, that's for sure. What, they weren't sitting there micro dosing mushrooms when they get back.

[A]

A lot of them do, actually, but yeah, not when they're there. But the. There was a story I read about World War II where the. I think the Nazis were in Italy, I think at some point. And they were like, they came to the bridge, you know, Dante's, whatever, Inferno.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So it was the bridge from the book where he first laid eyes upon Beatrice before she died. And there's. It's an actual bridge there in Italy. And the Nazis, they could have blown the bridge up to keep, like, the Americans who were ever, like, off their ass. So they radioed, they had some sort of communication. They were like, look, we won't blow up Dante's bridge where he saw Beatrice. It's such a beautiful place. You guys got to promise to do like a 20 minute timeout. And they're like, all right. And the Americans, chilled for like 20 minutes, really let them cross the bridge. And they didn't blow it up. And then they used it 20 minutes later and, like, pursued him.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

It was just like a weird moment in the middle, in the middle of, like, war where they're like, dude, that fucking.

[B]

Well, that's like World War I. You ever see that story about the French and the British on Christmas Day? They're sitting there in the trenches. They. They're there for a year. They have. Each side has moved up like 50 yards max. They're in that there was no man's land. It was called where like, you know, it was all like, you know, mines, and everybody would just die there. So Christmas, I forgot which side, but one of them basically called a timeout and they all went out to no man's land and had Christmas dinner together. Drinking, eating. And then they went back December 26th and started kill other again. It's. It's a fascinating thing in World War I. Christmas dinner.

[A]

Yeah, it's got to be so nice.

[C]

It's.

[B]

Yeah, just hang out. You're like, this is just in regular guy. I don't hate this.

[A]

You got to shoot him the next.

[B]

Day, and the next day you're just blowing his. Yeah.

[C]

Just lets you know how big propaganda is in war. You need it. Like, you just need it to be like, look at these dirty Japs. You just need it. Otherwise, guys are going, why am I killing these?

[A]

You're committing mass murder. So, yeah, you have to.

[C]

Or, dude, you didn't even bang your girl. Or like, I know. Get. Get the. Get. Get. The TV show you wanted.

[B]

It is.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a weird on and off switch. Because in the society.

[C]

No reason to kill this guy.

[A]

No, you have. In society, you have to control murder. Then every now and again, you got to be like, you know, who kind of sucks, actually. What if we just kill that whole country and everyone's like, well, like the.

[B]

Japanese, like, the emperor was just like, guys, if you fly your planes into the sides of this. The. You know, fly your planes into the sides of the American boats, I can. Personally, I'm the emperor, dude. I can. I guarantee you're getting into heaven. You can have whatever you want.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And just did it. But that emperor is like, dude, I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, you know, they. The. Our politicians know our weakness. All you got to do is like a little fake attack on us. Yeah, A little something like. And that gets us.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Pearl Harbor 911 attack. Anyway, they'll be like, we're going to this country. They didn't have anything to do. And they're like, just kill people.

[A]

One of our boats.

[C]

Nobody was like, wait a second. Why are we going to Iraq? Yeah, everyone's just like, go. That was.

[A]

That was a total green light. Everyone thinks we're gonna. I've heard people, I should say, who think we're going to go to war with China. Like, that's inevitable.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, that'll be.

[C]

They're flying their drones right now over my house.

[B]

Dude. Honestly, dude, who is president?

[C]

What?

[B]

No, If I was A president. I would just go to war with Portland.

[A]

Yeah, Portland.

[B]

I would just say, get these guys out of here, dude.

[A]

My theory is World War iii, If we're all being smart, we should stop fighting kind of like, you know, between countries and have just all attack the oldest. Like the elderly.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Just plunder the elderly.

[B]

Get them out of here. Blood thirst.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. We all plunder, we all make a deal. Like, look, let's just use all these advanced technolog technologies we've created to like. Yeah, absolutely. Plunder the elderly.

[B]

Do you think we're going to come together as a planet and fight whoever's controlling the drones like this, These drone things, you think like the aliens. You think the alien invasion, this project Blue Light or Beam light, whatever.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Blue beam, I've heard everyone's saying, I.

[C]

Think it's called Blue, Blue.

[A]

Blue Beam.

[B]

Blue Beam, yeah. Where it's like, you know that like where the countries are staging a alien attack and they're going to say that these drones, we're going to get attacked by aliens and come together against a common good.

[C]

That would be great.

[A]

I've heard that. I've heard that theory.

[B]

Common enemy.

[A]

They're going to use it to do like a one world government situation.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

I mean, yeah, people get mad. I always say this, but I. I do think, like it that kind of setup or that. I don't know, man. I don't know if we'll always be countries or if that unification will ever happen where we're like. Because I mean, they have the EU now, right? So all it would take is like the US and I don't know, man. People get really whacked out about it.

[C]

You got to unite people with. There's too many languages, dude. It always works. Language, religion.

[A]

Yeah, true, but what should we go? English?

[B]

1. Chinese 2. I mean, dude, what do you want to go? 3.

[C]

The most beautiful, beautiful ones.

[B]

English, Spanish, French, Chinese is out. Chinese let them learn French.

[C]

Yeah, you don't want to be like.

[A]

Yeah, they can do it.

[B]

They can do it. They're smartest people, smartest humans. Yeah.

[C]

Romance languages are the best sounding languages when you don't speak them. I'd like to speak that.

[A]

They are pleasant.

[C]

Yeah. When I hear Hebrew, I'm like, I don't want to speak that language.

[B]

When I went to Sicily, dude, I was rock hard 24 hours a day listening to people speak.

[A]

Dude, French is French as well, man. I've always. That's. I'm like, the French accent kills Me?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'd love to.

[A]

But. Yeah, I. I don't know. I mean, here's the thing. If that happened, even if they staged a fake alien attack and we got to be like, with like, Russia, like, come on, brother, let's shoot down these aliens. That would be fun.

[B]

That would be.

[A]

How much better than Covid would that be? Being like, we're fighting the aliens together.

[C]

We'd lose so quick if it was a real thing, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, dudes that can come here, like, light years. Years.

[A]

I know.

[B]

We'd be done.

[C]

Pow. Pow.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's what our guns would sound like to them. Pow.

[B]

Yeah, pow.

[C]

And they'd just be like, well, this.

[A]

Is my argument for that. If you're able to get to that level of technology, I. I do think there's a good chance that you would have worked out the weird interpersonal kinks that would make you, like a weird, kind of like. Yeah, domineering.

[C]

But they may look at us like cattle, though, and be like, you know, they may look at us like ants or something, but, like, not even have that compassion because they're like, look at these stupid. Stupid.

[A]

That's true, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

They're, like doing podcasts. They're talking.

[A]

Yeah. They're probably digging the cast.

[C]

They probably.

[B]

I think so.

[C]

Yeah. That might be the thing that they, like.

[A]

If you could hear if. I mean, they're probably smart enough. Imagine if you could, like, just watch ants and, like, get a full in depth look into, like, what they're thinking.

[C]

And feeling all day.

[A]

This is awesome.

[C]

That's a good point, actually. That's a good point.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't think that. I don't think the drones are sniffing for nukes, though. That was a big theory.

[B]

Yeah. I said it's nuke sniffers.

[C]

And even if they are, I don't think the drones would will. I don't think the nuke will go off because it's in America. I think the nuke knows, like, I'm home. This is where it created me.

[A]

I can't. I hope so.

[B]

Or the nuke. The nuke will do a quick scan and say, there's not enough Japanese people here. I can't go off unless there's a certain percentage. Yeah, Just kid it around. I'm just kidding around character.

[A]

It's probably AI now. It's probably full. The nuke's probably conscious. It's like, oh, I don't want to do this.

[C]

But, like, you know, you know, we. It was created here. So, like, the new kind of Knows.

[A]

Like what do they think the drone father. Yeah, they think they're going to set off the nuke or something.

[C]

They think the drone sniffing for the nuke, where it is, where it is to find it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because the issue is the nuclear weapons now supposedly are. Have more power. Power than Hiroshima and they can be fit in a suitcase.

[A]

I've heard.

[B]

Yeah, that's the issue.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, dude, I. I don't know. I. I had a. I had a guy on recently, he did a James Fox. He did like multiple documentaries on US UAPs and UFOs and stuff. And he's like. I mean, he's totally convinced. He's like, dude, we've been contacted multiple times. But I. I don't know. I don't. It's like, what the are you gonna do? It's like if you're worried about an alien invasion, it's like, bro, you're totally powerless.

[C]

I have no fear of that. For some reason.

[A]

I have zero. Even nuclear. Nuclear war. I'm kind of like, whatever.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I just don't worry about it. I'm like, dude, I don't know it's gonna happen. Hope it doesn't happen. But yeah, I'm not gonna be like, hey, guys, knock it off. Yeah, you should really rethink this. But it's like, it would suck if it didn't. Like, if it was like it put us in like the wasteland scenario, but then it's like we get to all dune out, so it's like, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, then the whole world would just look like 6th Street.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You can go there and practice at the end of the world.

[B]

This is what. This is why we come to Austin, dude. We're practicing for the new world.

[C]

What a dump at night that street is.

[A]

Yeah, that'll be huge. If we, if we somehow. If they can use the aliens to make us somehow. Like, like all disarm, like our nuclear weapons. But like, no one's. No one's going to want to do it first.

[B]

They're going to be like, you know what would happen though? The aliens would have us disarm the nuclear weapons and then we would just go back to medieval warfare. Like 20 years later, we would just start attacking the regular way, which. That would suck.

[A]

Yeah, no, we could still. We could still drop big bombs. They just.

[B]

Okay, but just no nukes.

[A]

But when you're like murdering each other, you're going to get the edge. It's like, it's a. It's a catchy. Thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Because they say aliens only started showing up after the first nuke went off. There were no alien sightings before 1940.

[A]

That's what the guy, James Fox was saying. It was like, they're very draw. A lot of the sightings around, military stuff have always been. And then I was like, what if it's just like super advanced technology they're not talking about? He's like, I mean even that is like a whole thing in itself. He's like, it could be, but.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, Bob Lazar, I believe that guy, Bob Lazar saw all that stuff years ago and was telling everyone about it.

[A]

They're claiming they can do like full speed, right angle turns just like. Like that. He said there was a pilot that like sauce, like a. A silver kind of like almost like cylinder object just buzzing around. And he like did a nose dive to come down to see what it was. And he said the thing spiraled up towards him and then when he kind of like he like tried to contain it, it just was gone. And then he. They had like a latitude longitude. He was like, when he got to the latitude longitude, it was just there, just like waiting for him.

[B]

Yeah. Rogan just posted yesterday on his Instagram, like to explain like this footage. And it was like this unedited footage. And it's just two orbs, like that just happened, I guess last night. And they've just. The way they shoot off into space. Space is not. And it's, you know, Rogan saying, this is unedited footage. This is real.

[A]

Yeah. The problem is, is like, well, there's like two things. Because you could fake that so easy.

[B]

You could fake that.

[A]

But there's all these like high level military guys coming out being like, no, for real. I saw it. So like, why would they risk their.

[C]

They either don't care about us. Like they're looking at us like we would look at antsing. Like, what do we care? Or they're jerking off to us.

[B]

That's.

[C]

Yeah, because think about it. When you jerk off to something shameful and then you just jet. You like leave. Like, so maybe they're just taking it out, they're wanking it and then they're. And then their commander's like, where were you? And like he clears the search history.

[A]

The ones who die are like the people who get caught. Like autoerotic asphyxia, dude. He's out there jerking off. Humans. He crashed.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Cuz it's the only thing. They come and then they bounce. So what are they doing? What are they doing, man?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

They're either totally disinterested or it's a, it's a fetish. It's a kink for them.

[A]

Yeah. Or like I said, I, I, I just, I just, you know, I hold out hoping like, dude, if you get that advanced, you must lost. Like there's no way you get that advanced when you're still like kind of self destructive and all that. I think they might be pretty chill.

[C]

Yeah, right. I think one of the big things they probably to get that advanced, I think they have no shame because I think the thing that holds humans back is shame.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Shame, it's like. Yeah, but it's also anger comes from shame and it's all projected out.

[A]

Yeah, but shame's pretty good though because it keeps like, you should have a sense of like, if you do a certain thing, like, there's going to be a bad feeling accompanying it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If I went home and like blew my dog and just, just like took a walk, that's a problem for society. I need to be like, what's solid?

[C]

Solid point. It's a good point. Solid point.

[A]

Shame's not a bad thing.

[C]

What I said was wrong because you just made a solid point.

[A]

You need it, dude. Shame is a good, it's like the, I mean, it's like the beginnings of your conscience. It's just your conscience, but it's like if you kind of get carried away with it, you can burden yourself with it, but like, having no shame is not good.

[B]

Not good. People might go far in life with no shame, but it's true.

[A]

It's not good. It's not good.

[B]

You gotta have a balance. You gotta be like, turn off the shame for certain things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then, but then turn it back on when you're gonna blow your dog or, or you're gonna just, you know, take a kid into a harem and drink their blood. You want to turn the shame off for that?

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just slow blowing.

[B]

You want to, you want to turn the. Yeah, you want to turn the shame all the way up at a guinea party and then you want to just turn it off when you're hitting the stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

God damn it.

[B]

Dude. The slow, the slow blow, it's really. Dude, it's just going to be quiet. A quiet, slow blow. A male friend is going to be something that I might, I might honestly bring it up on Rogan and just ask his assessment.

[A]

He would love that. What, man? What the are you talking about?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I know. I remember once. I remember the last time I went on, I was saying how attracted I was to this trans actress on the show, baby reindeer, and thinking, like, he was going to be, like, you know, back and forth, and he just went, g, that's disgusting. And then he just started talking about alligators.

[C]

Yeah. Once you hear. Dude, whenever I've done that show, once he starts talking about grizzly bears, I know I'm done. Yeah. It's like, you know what, man? You just got to cook it before trigonosis sets in. I'm like, okay, I'm boring you. Yeah.

[B]

So that's the sign.

[A]

Yeah, it is. For real, dude. I'm. I'm. I'm like, being genuine. The ability he could. His ability to sit there for three hours and talk. It's uncanny.

[C]

Crazy.

[B]

I don't know anyone else who can do it.

[A]

I can feel an hour in me, and I go, I've hit an hour. And I start going, all right.

[B]

Yeah. And to do. And he does that, by the way, three times a week. It's not like he does it once a week.

[C]

Yeah, I.

[A]

For. It's for real. Like, it's pretty nuts.

[C]

He's such a busy guy. I think that's how he schedules in his socializing, because he's so busy, man.

[A]

It's good after you podcast a lot. It does kind of suck when you socialize. You're like, dude, I should be getting paid for this, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why am I wasting my time?

[B]

Yeah. I'm like, why am I giving gems to these people at dinner when I could just be doing that on the Patreon?

[A]

I'm out with my neighbors. I could just be. Man on the street right now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Generating content.

[B]

Yeah, dude, we were filming. We were literally talking to our driver yesterday. And because he was, like, a liberal guy from Texas, so we were, like, going crazy. We couldn't believe that we finally met one. Whatever. And he was like an older guy, and we're having fun, whatever, Talking. We're. I was recording the whole thing. I was like, oh, this would be good on Patreon. And then at the end when he's dropping us off, you know, he says. He says, like, the address of where we are. And then. Yeah. It's like, oh, we probably shouldn't post that, dude. He just said the address. And the guy was like, are you recording me? And then I slowly put. That was like, no, no, no, no, no. But it's fun. The last bit app. He goes, are you recording me? And then. So you can see [e-mail] history hyenas. We've already posted that puppy so funny.

[A]

He's doing Veritas on.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So we're like, that's actually like a crime, but we're just willing to do it if you give us $5 a month.

[A]

No, it's. It's like investigative journalism project Veritas.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Dude was awesome. Awesome when they got guys being. Just gave a guy one martini and he'd be like, dude, I'm so horny. Dude, all this stuff in CO is fake. Did you see those videos?

[C]

Yeah, I don't know, dude. We're real though. Are they real?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

They are real.

[A]

Dude, if you get a guy, you getting crushed. Like, dude, if you like just go on like LinkedIn profiles and just have like a hot chick be like, I'd love to come out and talk to you. Okay.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And like, dude, we're, we're like making up half these and it was just like, there's a guy, he. He claimed that they were making variants so that they could get ahead of them so they could create vaccines for ones they made up.

[C]

But here's the issue.

[A]

He validated. He said that. So they're like, that's wild. Covid's out there and they're like, well, what if we made a thing like, like it got the vaccine for it and then that way we're already ready if something like that strikes.

[C]

But to Chris's point, this is why I don't think it's real. And it's probably like a set up, like you're going to be this guy because it is illegal. So like, if that really happened, the guy would be like, get in trouble. It's illegal.

[A]

It's like a gray area with a journalist though. I think journalists can do that somehow.

[B]

Can they?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Well, maybe it's illegal and maybe they're actively suing them, but the whole it's out anyway, maybe eventually they'll take it down.

[A]

But this is.

[B]

Maybe they're willing to suck to, to take the lawsuit on the chin.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just to say it's a criminal defense though, isn't it? I don't know if it's.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. That's a good question because I know you can't record a phone call without the other person's consent.

[C]

Right? So I would assume that it would.

[A]

Be done a bunch of times, but.

[B]

It just posted it. Yeah, yeah, it's fun.

[A]

But. But you Can. Yeah. I don't know, man. It's. It's a weird gray area because I feel like journalists have to be able to do. Do that, like whistleblowers and do it all.

[C]

I think probably if you do it, then maybe you. Maybe I don't know anything, but maybe.

[B]

The laws are like. Well, give you any law. Like, if you've ever. When you're single, if you've ever, like, paid for a girl's Uber to come over to your house, and then you guys have had sex, you've Ubered home, you've technically sex trafficked her.

[A]

True.

[B]

Like, that's all real.

[A]

It is.

[B]

You know, but.

[A]

Yeah, but you have to trick her. You have to be like, yeah. Which, you know, that is. There is some trickery there always.

[B]

I guess. Yeah. I mean, like, let's watch a movie. We're not really. I don't want to watch the movie.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

[B]

I think, though, the problem becomes if she comes over and you bang her and then other guys come over and bang.

[A]

Did you see that in front France?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We were watching on the plane, so we couldn't hear what. What's the thing 50 guys are going down for?

[A]

I think a guy was just kind of like. Like, this is what Diddy was getting accused of with Cassie or Cat, whatever her name is. Cassidy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Saying, like, he would just be like, imagine you took your wife out to a nice dinner. Then like, when you got home, you're like, surprised, babe. And they're just like four dudes there. And she's like, ah, I don't really feel like it. He's like, no, it's going down. And he would just have her get. Allegedly. Have her get kind of back. Banged out.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I think the French guy was going ham with it at the same setup where he'd be like, surprise. And it was just like four of his four dudes. I'm not gonna say his bros. I don't know if there is bros or not, but it'd be like. Like four or five dudes would just.

[B]

Yeah. Run banging out his wife.

[A]

Yeah. Just bang. And it was like, apparently 50 dudes.

[B]

Got caught, and he's a real wealthy, like, celebrity in France.

[A]

I guess. So. Yeah. Which is the craziest thing to get caught with.

[C]

Yeah. The human brain is wild, isn't it?

[A]

Yeah, man. It's up. And that's such a. That's such a wild one, though, though, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They go, you're not gonna me. All right. You just have like, dudes, come through.

[C]

Or they get off on it watching dudes kind of uncomfortably bang their wife.

[B]

Yeah, it's a weird thing.

[C]

We got weird things.

[A]

It's crazy, bro.

[C]

We all got something.

[A]

Never me, bro. I would be so mad.

[C]

No, I would. Yeah.

[A]

Third guy, you'd be like, what the am I doing? This is. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, take three.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, by the third, you're like, wait, this wasn't a good idea. Yeah, I was fine with the first.

[A]

Well, the crazies for you and 50 people to all go down together for that. That was. That trial must have been crazy.

[B]

Yeah, they're all going down too.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What is French jail even like, though? You think it's even that big of a deal? Probably cigarettes, baguettes.

[A]

Yeah, true. It's probably. Jail is probably. And the gay sex service probably has that.

[B]

Probably. Awesome. Well, it's loving.

[A]

Yeah, it probably is. Like. Yeah, that's. I don't know, man. The French jail probably actually does suck.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, all jails. I mean. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But I wonder the food might be all right.

[B]

Food's probably better. Better than most.

[C]

If you're a criminal, just take a flight to Norway and commit a crime and then you just live.

[B]

No, no, no death penalty. No life in prison. Most of your prison time is on a farm.

[C]

Dude.

[A]

I saw. I saw a documentary about that. And they have like, guitars and they have like music rooms. You can just go play. It's like, that is a kind of a good idea.

[B]

It's like, kind of like hanging out in like a rec room of a luxury condo building. Like you just got everything you want. You're chilling.

[A]

That wouldn't be bad.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

And you can do a pretty sick crime. You can like crash a car into someone's house. Something like, you know, crazy that.

[B]

That guy in Norway who like, like killed all those school kids, like that awful thing. He's just. He's going to get out of jail in a open air jail.

[C]

I don't think he's ever going to get out. But the laws are that he should. But they keep finding.

[B]

All right, so I missed.

[C]

But it's funny because technically he would get out, but because of what he did, they keep finding loopholes to keep him in there because their own laws, by their own laws, right? They're all about rehabilitation and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They just send him to Guantanamo. Guantanamo.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Just be like, all right, you're. You're out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because, yeah, he shouldn't be there, like, doing like, he's probably like getting emails and stuff.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that guy should be locked up, dude.

[B]

I mean prisoners have Instagram in the U. S Like they're on. They know what they're listening to. Pods.

[A]

I know. Yeah, chilling.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But yeah, where are we at time wise? I don't want to keep you guys up. All right, good.

[B]

Let's get some breakfast.

[A]

Yeah, let's eat some breakfast. Thank you guys.

[B]

Dude, thank you. Oh, by the way, January 18th we're doing our first live live history hyena show at the Lincoln theater in Washington D.C. yes, dude, we're doing it baby. Two days before the inauguration. So get down there.

[A]

Yeah, that's going to be awesome.

[C]

Get tickets at history hyenas is back. Com, christy, comedy.com or yanispapiscomedy. Com. Yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah. Thank you guys.

[B]

Thank you, brother.

[A]

Hell yeah.