Ep 541 - NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

Summary

Episode Summary: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast - Ep 541: NP-Ari (feat. Ari Shaffir)

Release Date: January 15, 2025

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Introduction & Welcome

In Episode 541 of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis are joined by special guest Ari Shaffir, a renowned comedian with his latest Netflix special, "America's Sweetheart." The episode kicks off with a lively introduction, setting the tone for an episode filled with humor, candid conversations, and comedic insights.

Ari Shaffir's New Special

The hosts congratulate Ari on his new Netflix special, engaging in playful banter about his public persona versus his true self behind the scenes.

• Shane Gillis [00:07]: "I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great. He's so nice. I'm just sitting there, just. I know he's a devil."

• Ari Shaffir [00:32]: "Only when the cameras are on."

Their exchange highlights the comedic contrast between Ari's charming on-stage presence and his more mischievous off-stage personality.

Roller Derby & Burlesque: A Comedic Exploration

The conversation shifts to roller derby, with Matt and Shane sharing their youthful misconceptions and humorous observations about the sport.

• Matt McCusker [02:01]: "I thought I was going to get way more into it sexually."

• Shane Gillis [02:35]: "They're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts."

The discussion transitions to burlesque, where the trio humorously critiques the performances, blending comedy with sharp social commentary.

• Ari Shaffir [03:46]: "We don't take it all off. Like librarians. It is library showing the underwear."

Their banter provides a satirical take on gender roles and performance art, delivered with their signature comedic flair.

Gaming Insights: Hell Let Loose

Shane introduces the topic of modern video games, specifically Hell Let Loose, delving into its realistic portrayal of WWII combat.

• Shane Gillis [04:25]: "Hell Let Loose. I've been playing as the Nazis."

• Ari Shaffir [05:06]: "It's too realistic."

The hosts critique the game’s depth and the moral complexities it introduces, prompting reflections on historical representation in gaming.

Sensitive Topics with Humor: The Holocaust Discussion

The conversation takes a darker turn as the hosts navigate discussing the Holocaust, balancing sensitivity with their comedic style.

• Matt McCusker [05:49]: "It's funny talking to, like, literally a genuine Holocaust survivor. Like, you survive kind of sus."

• Ari Shaffir [06:02]: "What is CP screen pie?"

Despite the gravity of the subject, the hosts approach it with a mix of humor and respect, highlighting the challenges of integrating such topics into comedy.

Relationships & Personal Struggles: Quitting Porn

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Matt's personal journey in abstaining from pornography and its impact on his relationship.

• Matt McCusker [07:26]: "I'm trying to go back off. And I finally had sex last night."

• Shane Gillis [16:58]: "Do you have CP screen pie?"

The candid discussion explores themes of addiction, personal growth, and the dynamics of modern relationships, offering listeners a raw and relatable narrative.

Anecdotes & Open Mic Stories

The hosts reminisce about their experiences with open mic nights, sharing humorous anecdotes about the challenges and absurdities of performing.

• Matt McCusker [14:33]: "I'll laugh at your jokes."

• Shane Gillis [14:23]: "They were so drunk, going nuts."

These stories provide a behind-the-scenes look at the world of comedy performance, filled with improvisational humor and genuine camaraderie.

Miscellaneous Banter & Comedic Skits

Throughout the episode, Matt, Shane, and Ari engage in light-hearted banter, touching on topics like music preferences, personal anecdotes, and mock-serious debates about everyday issues.

• Shane Gillis [38:17]: "I'm trying to have a real conversation with you and I'm just."

• Matt McCusker [43:14]: "He's trying to save Garfield from the underworld."

This segment showcases their chemistry and ability to seamlessly transition between different comedic themes, keeping the conversation engaging and unpredictable.

Conclusion

As the episode progresses, the hosts continue their trademark blend of humor and candid dialogue, culminating in a reflection on their personal lives and comedic careers. The conversation remains dynamic, offering listeners a mix of insightful humor and relatable struggles.

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Notable Quotes:

• Shane Gillis [00:07]: "I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me. They're like, Ari's great. He's so nice. I'm just sitting there, just. I know he's a devil."

• Matt McCusker [07:26]: "I'm trying to go back off. And I finally had sex last night."

• Ari Shaffir [03:46]: "We don't take it all off. Like librarians. It is library showing the underwear."

• Shane Gillis [35:09]: [Advertisement starts]

Note: This summary excludes the advertisement segments and focuses solely on the main content of the episode. For a full experience, listeners are encouraged to tune into the podcast directly.

Transcript

[Shane Gillis]

Hey, how are you? Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

What a great start.

[Shane Gillis]

We're here. Wow, you guys missed an incredible joke. We're here live with the Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks, guys.

[Shane Gillis]

He's got a new special out on Netflix called America's Sweetheart.

[Ari Shafir]

That's what I am.

[Matt McCusker]

I like that.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know how you've tricked everybody into thinking you're some nice guy. I hate it. Everybody's always around me. They're like, ari's great. He's so nice. He helps other con. I'm just sitting there, just. I know he's a devil.

[Ari Shafir]

Only when the cameras are on. I'll give a dollar to an open micr.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Well, yeah, it's exciting stuff, dude. Thanks. Congratulations on the special.

[Matt McCusker]

It's awesome.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm digging the vibes in here today.

[Matt McCusker]

Me too, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Very NPR esque.

[Ari Shafir]

I think so. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Very low. Very.

[Matt McCusker]

You think we're going NPR right now?

[Shane Gillis]

I think we're going a little quiet.

[Matt McCusker]

I like that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I don't mind it.

[Ari Shafir]

How about this? How about hey, say hey, welcome, Ari.

[Shane Gillis]

Again, hey, welcome.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks, Shane. Thanks, Matt. It's been a pleasure. I've been listening to you guys for a long time.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I got to check out your special last night. And wow, what a special treat that was. Thank you.

[Ari Shafir]

That's an honorary Charlie Rose. That was one of the greatest interviews I've ever seen.

[Matt McCusker]

It's very transgressive.

[Shane Gillis]

It was transgressive.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, what's that word?

[Shane Gillis]

Don't worry about it means aggressive. Trans.

[Matt McCusker]

Transgressive.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be a sick name for, like, a roller derby player. Like a G, lady. My name's Transgressor.

[Shane Gillis]

Transgressor?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Enforcer. Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I, I. You used to watch roller derby on tv.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I used to think it was gonna be so cool.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I didn't know what to, like, think on paper.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought I was like, this is gonna be incredible. Honestly, kind of like a slam ball.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

On the trampolines.

[Ari Shafir]

That was pretty great.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought it was going to be incredible. And they would take a XFL Trash.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Roller derby trash.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, roller derby to me, it was like in my head, for some reason, I was like, oh, yeah, girls in the rollerblades short shorts. And I was like, these girls are pretty strong.

[Ari Shafir]

They're going to scissor.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought I was going to get way more into it sexually. And I was like, this is.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you went into it sexually? I went into it strictly for the game.

[Matt McCusker]

You went for the love.

[Shane Gillis]

Sounds like a Cool sport.

[Matt McCusker]

It sounded to me like a sexual thing. When I was younger, I was like, oh, yeah, Roller derby time. And I'm like, man, these are some giant ladies.

[Ari Shafir]

One chick, and they just launch her.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's fun.

[Ari Shafir]

Someone else, like, clothesline, like, why'd you launch me?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I guess the point guard girls were kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

Some of. They're all kind of. Yeah, they're either giant butch lesbians or giant straight sluts.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

You know?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. What's. Yeah, like pinup girls.

[Shane Gillis]

They wear like. You know what I mean? They have like throwback tattoos of from like the 40s.

[Matt McCusker]

They were like, what's that word?

[Shane Gillis]

I'm looking for, Betty Rockabilly. Is that it?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I'm thinking of burlesque dance. Yeah, it's very much burlesque dancers wrestling each other. Yeah, burlesque dance. Have you ever felt you ever gotten into that?

[Shane Gillis]

I've had to do stand up shows at some of those. And again, something I thought I'd be into the exact. You see the dance, you know, it's.

[Ari Shafir]

The same as stand up. The low level ones are like, please come. Free drinks.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Burlesque is pretty. I like, yeah, the same way. I'm like, yeah, it's gonna be awesome. And you're like, this is. This sucks. I don't even want to see these girls do this.

[Ari Shafir]

Take it all off. Like, we don't take it all off. We take some off.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's like librarians. It is library showing the underwear. Dude, just put your clothes back on and go back to the library. I don't want it.

[Ari Shafir]

Self respect.

[Matt McCusker]

You don't have to do this. Why are you doing this?

[Ari Shafir]

Does Dewey Decimal not pay well?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we're anti burlesque here. I don't like that at all.

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Stand strongly against burlesque or against that.

[Shane Gillis]

What else is going on?

[Matt McCusker]

It is tight for guys. Some guys do get dragged into the burlesque world by their girlfriend. They have to sit there and be like, those all very powerful performances from all of you guys. I like the one dressed as the devil. That was pretty cool.

[Shane Gillis]

Shake their tits with tassels on them in front of other weirdo. Like five weirdos in a room.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Long haired, skinny boyfriends just sitting there and just.

[Ari Shafir]

They always have those scarves that don't actually warm them. Yeah, it's just loose feathers.

[Matt McCusker]

Disgusting Decorative scarf. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Something's flying right now. This podcast is flying. I can feel it. We're gonna catch something.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, we were doing NPR vibes. If you want to do this, turn up the vial. If you turn up the dial, dude, if you want to jam.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, I can think of it now. We're still. Well, hold on, man. Let's. Let's talk. Hell Let Loose. The newest hit video game in my mind. Oh, yeah, Hell Let Loose. I've been playing as the Nazis.

[Ari Shafir]

Of course you are. You were like, you need a cheat code.

[Shane Gillis]

You don't get to pay.

[Ari Shafir]

I won't be regular. Show me the cheat code.

[Shane Gillis]

You don't get to pick which team they put you on. But when I do get the Nazis, a part of me goes.

[Ari Shafir]

I love Shane's like, I'll just. I'll work the chambers.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I'll just work.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll sims it.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

Do they have the chambers in the game?

[Shane Gillis]

No, it's realistic, bro. They didn't exist. It's a realistic game.

[Ari Shafir]

What are you laughing about?

[Shane Gillis]

It's a realistic game. Too Realistic.

[Matt McCusker]

That's so funny.

[Ari Shafir]

It's so funny when you talk to, like, old Europeans about it, and they're like. Like, we were talking about the Slovaks. Like, they took it too. And like, a lot of different people took it hard. And they're like the gypsies, too. And everyone's like, yeah, but they deserve.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, Even the Jews, like, no way did it. Who. Who in your family died in the Holocaust?

[Ari Shafir]

None of them that I knew.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, okay. Well, yeah, obviously.

[Ari Shafir]

But yeah, all my dad's greater family.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

None of his direct.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn. Just like, cousins.

[Ari Shafir]

And so you're like 35 of them gone.

[Shane Gillis]

Your grandpa, he survived.

[Ari Shafir]

Grandma, grandma, dad, all sisters. And then one of the grandma's brother.

[Matt McCusker]

Surviving the Holocaust must have been crazy. You think it's sus.

[Ari Shafir]

Interesting to survive?

[Shane Gillis]

What did you do in there? I mean, that's. Yeah, that's a really evil thing to say, but.

[Matt McCusker]

It'S funny. It's funny talking to, like, literally a genuine Holocaust survivor. Like, you survive kind of sus. And they're like, what? What is it?

[Shane Gillis]

Just say it's kind of weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Sus.

[Shane Gillis]

How'd you get out of that? I regret that one already.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a funny joke. Just the word sus in holocaust. So funny. You just went. You, like, bore witness to the most horrific condition. You're like, shitty. Grandson's like, that's actually kind of sauce.

[Shane Gillis]

Is that how you did it?

[Ari Shafir]

My brother's kid started saying sus. He's like, yeah, eight. And my brother was like, he's so creative. And I'm like, that's Like a term. He goes, oh, fuck.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's like the Fortnite dance. A lot of little kids.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Fortnite dance rules.

[Matt McCusker]

They really do do those things. Like, you go somewhere, there's kids just busting out.

[Shane Gillis]

Everyone hits it the whole time.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's kind of actually upsetting that, like, all kids now talk exactly the same Fortnite talk. It's a bow.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. There is no local dialect anymore.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Phillies hold on strong. That's about it.

[Shane Gillis]

Philly's got it.

[Ari Shafir]

They're losing it. You don't have it. You don't have it.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt has only.

[Matt McCusker]

I get mad. I'm like a Latino.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

When I get mad, it comes out. My passion comes out.

[Ari Shafir]

Maddie. Maddie McArdo.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. He gets fired.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I'm pretty. I'm pretty passionate right now. I'm still off the porn. I've been off the porn since January 6th.

[Shane Gillis]

Why?

[Ari Shafir]

Did you find the best one?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I just. I said, I'm. This year, I'm like, I'm gonna try to go back off. And I. I went off for a long time, and then I went back on being. Because I went back and forth. I'm like, I'm not going to quit something if there's no real reason to quit it. Then it went back off, and I was like, I. I finally had sex last night. And I was like, shouldn't say finally, but I had sex. I was growing my beard in protest.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I told Brittany. I was like, I'm not shaving unless.

[Shane Gillis]

And you look skinny. You've been on a hunger strike.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been working out. Thank you for noticing. I've hit, like, I think one eighth of my goal weight. 178. I'm trying to get to thank you for noticing.

[Ari Shafir]

That's my goal weight. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

I tell you about £100 off.

[Ari Shafir]

You'll get to £100 off soon.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, when I'm dead. Yeah. But.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What do you use imagination for what?

[Shane Gillis]

To ejaculate.

[Matt McCusker]

I tried.

[Ari Shafir]

Wait, were you just watching porn? For the cinematography?

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, no. I was obviously massive. I mean, I have watched once, like, a couple times when I was younger. I would just kind of, like, throw it up. Just, like, watch to see what I wanted to come back to when I came home. Yeah, I was pretty deep into it, but the.

[Shane Gillis]

What are you fucking laughing at? You've been there. You do it now.

[Nate Marshall]

I still do it. It's an actual problem, but I just.

[Shane Gillis]

Kind of was really actually look like I am.

[Nate Marshall]

Monk. You've become it's fine. I like it. I kind of love it.

[Shane Gillis]

I do too. You look cute.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

What is the white wife effect? It's the white wife.

[Shane Gillis]

It is the white wife effect.

[Matt McCusker]

Holy.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude. I still dress like a old white man.

[Matt McCusker]

I am wearing a 911.

[Shane Gillis]

Please show the people the drill. That is fully white New Balances light jeans.

[Ari Shafir]

That's not even a 911, bro. That's not even an eagle. What is that? That ain't an eagle. It's a crow.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a crying dam, bro. He's dressed like a substitute bus driver.

[Ari Shafir]

You don't have an ass anymore. You got a flat white ass.

[Nate Marshall]

I did lose my ass.

[Matt McCusker]

How?

[Ari Shafir]

Please don't talk about the ass and repar.

[Nate Marshall]

In solidarity with my wife.

[Matt McCusker]

You lost your ass for real? What happened?

[Shane Gillis]

Pancake butt.

[Nate Marshall]

I donated it.

[Shane Gillis]

There you get the white flapjacks.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, you like foot train like young Chinese girls. You think.

[Shane Gillis]

They bind Nate's ass. Are you wearing Spanx? How is it like that?

[Nate Marshall]

I just lost it.

[Shane Gillis]

This is what we needed. The podcast needed a rip. We had no topics.

[Nate Marshall]

Someone to attack.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

You look good.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you.

[Nate Marshall]

Thank you.

[Shane Gillis]

You do look good. I actually. I genuinely think you look great.

[Nate Marshall]

The sweatshirt.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. How do you been? Since I've been back, you've been much more reserved and quiet.

[Nate Marshall]

It's. It's not good.

[Shane Gillis]

Did you get molested? What happened?

[Ari Shafir]

You're not here to protect them, Shane. I know.

[Shane Gillis]

I think you left them all molested. My sweet boys been running a train on Guard Dog.

[Nate Marshall]

Don't say that. Create ops.

[Matt McCusker]

You haven't. You've been having. I had very low confidence when I moved down here.

[Shane Gillis]

Is it confidence?

[Nate Marshall]

I don't think it's confident.

[Matt McCusker]

Sean said it. Sean said low confidence Nate.

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Matt McCusker]

No conflict Nate.

[Nate Marshall]

Yeah, I think it's flipping that's the problem. I'm going from non conflict to like. I think. Yeah, I think I'm turning nasty and I'm trying to.

[Shane Gillis]

You're getting nasty.

[Nate Marshall]

I'm trying to keep it in, though. I'm trying not to be nasty, Nate. I'm trying to.

[Matt McCusker]

You don't want to be no conflict.

[Nate Marshall]

I don't want to be no conflict either, but I was. I was happy. There's no conflict. But. But people.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I want you guys. Them to have conflict.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Because last time I saw each of you, you were.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

What's the word, bitches?

[Shane Gillis]

Screaming.

[Ari Shafir]

Screaming.

[Shane Gillis]

That's when no Conflict Nate started right there. Oh, Guard Dog called him no conflict Nate. Because they were you guys need ops. And the Kill Tony crew is perfect for you guys to battle. You guys need to battle with them.

[Ari Shafir]

That's not bad.

[Nate Marshall]

We're going to switch, sir.

[Matt McCusker]

Why did you. Why did you get dragged into conflict? Who wanted more conflict in your life?

[Shane Gillis]

My dog wanted conflict. Nate said, I don't want any conflict.

[Matt McCusker]

But he's Zandini.

[Nate Marshall]

He's the deity now.

[Matt McCusker]

Wait, so why does he get a cool, no conflict name? And he hit you with, like, a negative one?

[Ari Shafir]

He's the writer.

[Shane Gillis]

He's the name guy.

[Nate Marshall]

I like Nasty Nate, though. I'll be Nasty Nate Nate.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you need to be nasty. I like you nasty.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not being mean, Nate. I've never known you angry.

[Nate Marshall]

That's what I'm saying.

[Ari Shafir]

Pretty chill.

[Nate Marshall]

Shane seen it, but it was years ago. I've got.

[Shane Gillis]

I know, but I've still. Now it comes out. It was funny watching special needs guy at an open mic.

[Nate Marshall]

He wasn't special needs.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, he was after you punched him. I did.

[Nate Marshall]

I did punch him. He asked for it. But he. He probably was bipolar, though. But that doesn't count. I think you can punch a bipolar.

[Ari Shafir]

You can't punch a bisexual.

[Nate Marshall]

Punch a bipolar.

[Shane Gillis]

I think he was actually a bisexual bipolar.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, damn.

[Nate Marshall]

That actually might be true.

[Ari Shafir]

That's un. Yeah, that's unipolar. It's a double negative.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn. He was bisexual bipolar.

[Nate Marshall]

He was definitely bipolar. He was possibly bisexual.

[Matt McCusker]

What he did.

[Nate Marshall]

He got in the kissing distance.

[Shane Gillis]

I was going to say. I think that might be. It might have been a lover's quarrel more than.

[Matt McCusker]

No, he did.

[Nate Marshall]

The first thing he did was blow a kiss at me. That is what started the conflict, though. I was walking into, like, an open mic at the time that we were going to. And I was walking past and I just tried to say, what up? And we got. Because we were clearly not like having. We're clearly having tension, but I was trying to not worry about that. And I walked past, said, what's up? And he went. And then, you know, I didn't sock him right then. Time passed. I went outside to smoke and he just. He was trying to fight me. But like in an alleyway, he was like, let's go to the alleyway. Wait for the mic. And I was like, you're a psycho. I know you're going to try to stab me.

[Shane Gillis]

He's going to try to suck you. He's going to try better.

[Nate Marshall]

But I just came back to the mic.

[Shane Gillis]

Zen. Yeah, that's what you need, though. That's the best way to do open mics is with open conflict with somebody else in the room. So then you go on stage and do stand up at them, which is so embarrassing to do while fighting at.

[Ari Shafir]

Any in general watches in the worst room. We're like, well, all.

[Shane Gillis]

We're all failing here.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And it's like you sucked. Like you're next.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you're on next and you suck. We're both here.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll laugh at your jokes.

[Shane Gillis]

Six of us whisper to somebody next to me. I go, this guy fucking sucks.

[Ari Shafir]

God, I miss open mics. We had to pretend to listen until you get on and you can stop.

[Shane Gillis]

The best was going to those mics that everyone just was done pretending. No one listened. Like the Raven towards the end, people were just fell apart. It was just a bar.

[Ari Shafir]

That's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

People standing and talking at a bar. And then one at a time, someone would go up while no one listened to them.

[Ari Shafir]

Let me ruin the vibe while you guys are talking.

[Shane Gillis]

No one listen.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, when I. The Raven, when I started, comedy was run by H. Foley and Chris Cotton. RIP and if you like even whispered, you'd have one of them like, shut the up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they were. They were out of their mind. They were so drunk, going nuts.

[Matt McCusker]

They would get hammered. The whole. It was so good though. It was this tiny black box of a room and there were. It could fit like maybe 40 people. So fun.

[Shane Gillis]

Raymond Lounge. Yeah. But it was like.

[Matt McCusker]

It would have been 2008, 2009 if you did helium.

[Shane Gillis]

Usually on a Thursday you would jump over there afterwards.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I've done it then.

[Matt McCusker]

It was so fun.

[Ari Shafir]

How big was H. Foley, though?

[Shane Gillis]

He's like G folders.

[Matt McCusker]

He wasn't as big. No, he was. He was still.

[Shane Gillis]

He's still lowercase.

[Matt McCusker]

Still a young tadpole.

[Ari Shafir]

H. Not fully.

[Matt McCusker]

He's a big dog, but he was not. Yeah, nearly. Chris Cotton was a big dog too.

[Shane Gillis]

Cotton was a big dog.

[Matt McCusker]

That was a lot of big dog energy.

[Shane Gillis]

There's a lot of big dogs. Crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

It was crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Kevin Ryan did a good job surrounding himself with big dogs.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Ari Shafir]

Kevin Ryan really is like that six chick who's hanging around the fours.

[Shane Gillis]

It's crazy. He's like. He's.

[Ari Shafir]

He's fat as. Dude, he's fat as. And he's like, no, I'm so thin.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm like, bro. The whole time he's just talking to age volley about being fat.

[Matt McCusker]

It's so funny. I never even thought about it. Yeah, his guys was totally affected.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a great Move. Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It's so good.

[Ari Shafir]

Shame.

[Shane Gillis]

So I have somewhere in the pool house now. I'm just a unit out there.

[Matt McCusker]

I told you about the guy. When I worked for an electrician, we like, we all would go to a bar afterwards. It's where he paid everybody and he did all of his like hirings there. And this one guy came in just fat as my boss was also pretty portly as well. And he looked at the dude. The guy like starts handing him his resume, goes, no, no, you're hired. And the guy's like, are you serious? He's like, yeah, I need someone here fatter than me.

[Shane Gillis]

You. Thank you, I'll take it.

[Ari Shafir]

Don't like it, but I'll take it.

[Matt McCusker]

The funniest hiring I've ever seen. You're fatter than me, right?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh man. But back to the pornography and you giving it up.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh yeah, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I wanted to say that the law here does help with that. Obviously.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Cuz you don't. I mean if you sink so low as to go to X videos, it's.

[Ari Shafir]

So embarrassing going on. Which sites are still available in Texas.

[Shane Gillis]

You'Re disgust go through like the ninth grade. Where did I used to jack off?

[Matt McCusker]

I know, it's.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a lot more hidden camera videos on those.

[Matt McCusker]

A lot of illegal stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

There's a lot of stuff, yeah. Like. Oh, I saw one that was just. It said how old is she? What?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was the title.

[Shane Gillis]

That was the title. I wasn't even searching anything. That was just on the.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they throw you crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

That was a curveball. And I was like, wow, how old is she?

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you should investigate.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's the producers going like, we don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

We'd love to find one way to find out.

[Ari Shafir]

That didn't feel like 16.

[Shane Gillis]

Weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's.

[Shane Gillis]

But they, that law that they pass, it is helpful. I think it's good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

[Shane Gillis]

It just. I. When they went to pass the law, you protest. Because any other time you'd be like, yeah, go ahead, get rid of it. Until you're horny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Then when you're horny, you go, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Shane Gillis]

What have they taken from us for me.

[Matt McCusker]

And again, I haven't, you know, I haven't been tested now. And like alone in hotel room, that's the ultimate. That's like. I mean, in my house, easy. I mean, you know, obviously it takes some effort, but easy enough. But like, dude, yeah, yeah, that shit's impossible. But now that I'm off of though. When you're, when you're married though, it's like if you have porn, it gives you like a little trench where like if you're fighting you could be like and just go beat off and then keep the fight going. But if you're charged up, that's your trench. You can just be like, you go.

[Shane Gillis]

Back to the fox.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't need you.

[Matt McCusker]

Yep. I don't need. Fuck you.

[Ari Shafir]

Blah, blah, blah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yep.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I was on a. Basically a 10 day. Yeah, it was like a 10 day hold in and I was like. We were like. It was like a mild beef, regular stuff. And I wanted to be mad so badly and she just touched me last night and I was diamond hard and we had to settle the beef immediately. And I was like, yep, porn is definitely everything. So I've doubled down on poor. I'm off porn now.

[Ari Shafir]

Are you using your imagination?

[Matt McCusker]

If I, if I sing so low ass to hurt myself in masturbation? Yes. But yeah, no, I try not, not to masturbate at all. I mean I'm not going to be a psycho about it if, you know, if I like really can't sleep, I'll just do it. But it's not like a shame thing. But it definitely is a relationship enhancer.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Almost too much. I was, I was telling spud today. I was like, dude, I was telling him like I had this like almost like mystical experience having sex after like no porn for weeks. Holding it in. I'm having. I'm like. It almost got. I got so carried away. I almost ordered up the third. I was on the verge of sending of just CPing last night.

[Ari Shafir]

What is that? What is CP screen pie?

[Matt McCusker]

Creating another kid. I have two kids.

[Shane Gillis]

I.

[Matt McCusker]

Last night was so charged.

[Ari Shafir]

I was like, color people it, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't care.

[Ari Shafir]

Okay. I was like, yeah, this could be anything else.

[Matt McCusker]

A lot of slang, a lot of street. I was using a lot of streets.

[Shane Gillis]

You're considering a pie.

[Matt McCusker]

I was, I was like. And I know you know now it's like been so long. She's ovulating. If she's putting paws on me. I'm like, okay, you're ovulating?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

Was in the windowsill and you were going.

[Matt McCusker]

I was about to.

[Shane Gillis]

I said, I'm going to buy.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, I'm about to pie. What the are you doing? I was like, my bad. I thought we're on the same wavelength here. I. I feel had like it was. I mean it's embarrassing to talk about. I Had to get genuinely. You need to say, pretty profound experience.

[Shane Gillis]

Me there to pull your hips.

[Matt McCusker]

I need you there to pull me out. I was so resolute. I was like, no way. And last night, I just. All I did was go off the porn for two weeks. I was like, it has to be.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

What are you doing? I was like, oh, sorry about that.

[Shane Gillis]

It must be done the pie.

[Matt McCusker]

So I got a little too horny off the board. But I. It's been validated.

[Shane Gillis]

3.14. It was time.

[Matt McCusker]

273 7. Repeating. It was time, bro. It was PI squared. But, yeah, that was making. It was actually. It was just like a cool realization to be like, yeah, you see what porn does in a relationship? And you're like, it is not good.

[Ari Shafir]

And you can remember this when you're back on.

[Matt McCusker]

I hope. I mean, look, I don't get. That's the thing. I don't beat myself up, dude. If I fall. If I fall, I've got to arrive. Let's try to take the shame component out, because the no fap thing was crazy. I'm like, dude, it's crazy to be like, I'm just never gonna come ever again. But then, you know, to be like, yeah, just jerk off the porn. I'm like, it's equally as weird because it's just not good for you. You just to see fake ladies and come all the time. It's not good for you.

[Ari Shafir]

You shouldn't be seeing wild ladies.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

This isn't even like a normal exact.

[Matt McCusker]

What I'm saying. So, you know, I'm not like. I'm not coming from, like, a moral. Like, you're wrong if you do that. I'm just trying to. I'm all about optimization, like, what's optimal.

[Ari Shafir]

Last time I tried, it was a month. It started. It was in Edinburgh, started in Ireland. And it was one night, some old skank was like. I was like, nah. But then I was like, should have. Because, like, three days later, I'm like, I'm not beaten off. No porn or nothing. And then like, two weeks later, I was like, just open to meeting people.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Any girl was like, you want to hang out? I was like, yes, I do. Let's hang out.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd like to.

[Matt McCusker]

I'd love to talk to you.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's go out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So are you've got the new special coming out. You were just in the blockbuster Nosferatu. What else? What's next?

[Ari Shafir]

Those fr.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he was nas.

[Ari Shafir]

I was not.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, what's next for.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought the movie was about Africa when I heard the title of it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought it was like. I was like, oh, cool. Like, you know.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought some, like, lying. I swear to God, I'm not being silly. That was a Lion King spin off. I was like, see what? Nosferatu. I thought it was like Mufasa.

[Ari Shafir]

It was a lot about gay.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, like, what the hell?

[Shane Gillis]

It was gay sex.

[Ari Shafir]

It was a lot about innuendo. Gay.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, damn.

[Ari Shafir]

Remember that Salt Lake City documentary about that guy who. Who stole that kid and her. And then the parents like, hey, where's our kid?

[Shane Gillis]

Yes. Hilarious.

[Ari Shafir]

And then he. Them.

[Shane Gillis]

Not that. You know what I mean? Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then later, the dad was like. He brought me in the car. I don't want jacked him off.

[Matt McCusker]

You told me about that, where he was like, the whole family.

[Shane Gillis]

Entire family. Guy ruled and then kidnapped the daughter or something. Was that the same one where he was like, I'm an alien. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I think put her in the back.

[Shane Gillis]

Of an RV with like a walkie talkie. Was like, this is from outer space. You have to have sex.

[Matt McCusker]

That is Utah is a good place to run that you could trick the. Yeah, they're pretty alien.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but that's what Nosferatu is pretty much. He's everybody.

[Shane Gillis]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

Making them all jealous.

[Shane Gillis]

Horny vampire.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, everywhere else was horny. And then it was all about, like, love triangle. And like, here's.

[Matt McCusker]

Here's a question. If you were a vampire, immortal, unless obviously somebody put a stake through your heart.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Would you have gay sex after, like 700 years?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It's like prison, right? You're like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not like prison, because in prison you only have the option of gay sex. Yeah, but you've, you know, you justified that quick, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

It's prison. You're in a prison of.

[Shane Gillis]

Of eternity.

[Ari Shafir]

I know. You get bored and you. None of this matters. There's no God. I'm not going to heaven.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Ari Shafir]

That part's out.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, but also, you're a vampire. You're very gay.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's the other thing too.

[Ari Shafir]

You got to just get flying around.

[Matt McCusker]

You have to at least be by as a vampire. Yeah, it is kind of weird for vampire to be like, no, dude, I'm.

[Shane Gillis]

Totally the natural title. I can't wait to see what they do.

[Matt McCusker]

Just get a buzz at the tailgate from people next. Yeah, I wonder about that. If you were like that old. Because if Nosferatu was really just sticking it through the Whole village. I wonder what you would do.

[Ari Shafir]

You'd give it up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Ari Shafir]

And then you. If you were like, a villager, you'd be like, I want to Nosferatu. How come he doesn't.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that would be.

[Matt McCusker]

What if you were nosfer? What if you're immortal and you're like, dude, I just want to die so bad. And then eventually you bottom out and you're like. You stick around for like, 2, 000 more years.

[Ari Shafir]

Just get, like, a job.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, does. In people's rooms at night or something.

[Ari Shafir]

No, they have to go find him.

[Shane Gillis]

And he. Him.

[Ari Shafir]

He appeared in this one chick. Spoiler alert. He had cheered this one chick's dreams. And, like, her when. She probably was, like, 11 or something.

[Shane Gillis]

But, like, adult back then.

[Ari Shafir]

Romania adult, probably 13. And then in the movie, in the. Yeah, and then like, disappeared, but pretty much just subtest going, wait for me. I'll test you. She goes, I will. And then 30 years, she's gone. She's like, well, I found another guy. And he was like, no, that's not cool. And then calls for that other guy and the guy and bleeds him.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, sick. Yeah, well, little sucky, little suck.

[Ari Shafir]

And then just so he can tell the ladies, like, oh, your husband. He's not.

[Matt McCusker]

That would turn a chick on, though, if you're like, yeah, I. That guy. I.

[Shane Gillis]

Your husband and killed him.

[Matt McCusker]

I.

[Ari Shafir]

Your house didn't kill him. Sent him back as, like, a. As I got. Punk. Oh, they could stay in prison, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Nate, did you see Nosferatu?

[Ari Shafir]

Is that the term punk?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's a punk. Yeah, it's a punk.

[Shane Gillis]

I know. Punk. I'm a. You a new fool.

[Matt McCusker]

Get a punk in jail. Do you ever. I watched a documentary about. It was like, basically prison sex, and they were saying how that's, like, a big status in jail.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

My brother sent it to me. It was the funniest. It was all about getting boys. If you're in jail. If you had, like, five boys, it was, like, a sign of status. You just get, like, punks basically underneath you. You can, like, loan them out for money or, like, a lot of these dudes would fall in love with, like, their top punk.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

Jesus Christ.

[Matt McCusker]

It was. Dude. It was. There was one part. I don't want to ruin the vibe.

[Shane Gillis]

You love it.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't want to ruin the vibe. But, like, you're watching this guy, and he's just like, yeah, man, this is why I came here. And I just. I'm just. This guy's and like, we fell in love and they had this whole. Then you find out it is. They go interview his father of the kid who's a punk in jail. And they're like telling the dad what's going on. He's like, yeah, yeah. I just. Man, I really just hope he gets out of there and straightens out his life. And then apparently what happened was the guy was on drugs and just, like, ran a kid over. So he's just like, yeah, I'm just gonna stay high and stay in jail forever and just be a punk. It's like, damn, that's right.

[Ari Shafir]

I could ever feel bad about it. Like the machinist, the way he felt bad.

[Matt McCusker]

He was.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he's like, I'd rather be.

[Matt McCusker]

He's like, as soon as I get sober, I like, just think about my life and it's. It's literally that unbearable and I just have to be high. But it's up. They went to his dad and like, yo, your son's like someone's boyfriend in jail.

[Shane Gillis]

And he was like, yeah, that's.

[Matt McCusker]

Ah, God, man, I just want him to strain his life out. So sad.

[Shane Gillis]

That's so sad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

She status, sir.

[Shane Gillis]

He's doing well.

[Matt McCusker]

He was kind of a top. He was a top boy, though. He was like procuring other boys and.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, it's just like, yeah, yeah, he was.

[Ari Shafir]

He was.

[Matt McCusker]

He was just. Lane.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what they call his butt. The jizz Lane. Nice.

[Ari Shafir]

You know spr.org no, it's a. It's supposed to be for, like, understanding and stuff, but it's sp. I stop prisonrape.org what? And it was just like survivors tales and stuff. You're not supposed to laugh for months at a time at it. But yeah, it's like poems and stuff. There's a poem about the number seven, the seventh guy to gang rape him. And he goes, that's when I fell in love because he was nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, my. He whispered.

[Ari Shafir]

He whispered, this will be over soon. He goes, oh, this guy cares.

[Shane Gillis]

Holy.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's really crazy, man. They get in there and they go full, like, girlfriend mode. And it's like. And dudes are just like, kind of pumped to be a girlfriend, which it.

[Shane Gillis]

Sucks that that's what it is. And it's not Shot caller.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you know?

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, the movie Shot caller, the guy, like, gets a DUI and becomes the head of the Nazis. That's what you. That's everybody's dream. Every white man's dream is one day I'll get a DUI and become the head Nazi and it prison.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Cuz you have to.

[Shane Gillis]

But in reality you're going to get a DUI and just be a punk.

[Matt McCusker]

And you don't have to be a punk. That's the thing.

[Shane Gillis]

You don't have to.

[Matt McCusker]

No, you don't have to be a punk.

[Shane Gillis]

If you look like what? If you're good looking.

[Matt McCusker]

Like if you're looking. Yeah, if you're looking good, you better be able to fight.

[Ari Shafir]

I'd be punked.

[Shane Gillis]

No way. You think you.

[Ari Shafir]

What's the nod?

[Shane Gillis]

You? No, just definitely not you. Oh, you think? Guys, would you.

[Ari Shafir]

I hope not. I hope not, Shane. I'm not looking for it.

[Matt McCusker]

But you said you'd be punked.

[Ari Shafir]

You'd be a. I feel like I would. Of the three of us. No, you first.

[Shane Gillis]

You're the cutest. You're the most handsome.

[Ari Shafir]

How would you avoid it?

[Matt McCusker]

I would just go mad. I'll go white boy crazy. Yeah, I would just go absolutely white boy crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you'd be like clinger from.

[Matt McCusker]

Special diet though.

[Shane Gillis]

You.

[Matt McCusker]

You get a. That's like a special diet you can get in jail. It's highly coveted. What the Jewish meal?

[Shane Gillis]

Kosher.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you can do the kosher, you can do the Muslim. So you actually get a pretty coveted meal plan. So you might be able to trade that. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Who wants to filter fish for protection?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. What does happen to the Jews in there that you just have to join the Aryan brotherhood?

[Ari Shafir]

No, they don't want them and the blacks don't want them.

[Matt McCusker]

You're technically others, but I think a lot of Jews probably join up with white people. But you have to kind of keep it.

[Ari Shafir]

Like I had a. Remember those amazing racist videos? So a white power website found it. The White. White Revolution dot com. And so they loved it, but also they didn't love this. So the headline was Jew boys got the right idea.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That's funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's a nice. Yeah, it's a nice title.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Jew man would have been nice. But come on, some respect.

[Matt McCusker]

Didn't have to diminish.

[Ari Shafir]

You put some respect on a name.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's. That's a cool. That's funny to like wake up in the mornings. Read like the White Revolution.

[Shane Gillis]

Wake up. Oh, nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Some publicity.

[Shane Gillis]

All right.

[Matt McCusker]

That Hail storm.

[Shane Gillis]

What's Storm Front?

[Ari Shafir]

Storm Front.

[Matt McCusker]

Storm Front.

[Shane Gillis]

Isn't that. That's the white nationalist.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, is it really? Yeah, that's their like publication, I think.

[Shane Gillis]

So this is what else we got going on.

[Matt McCusker]

Nothing much. I did I was just in rapture last night. It was kind of nice sexual rapture. Yeah, I. Dude, I haven't felt like that, man. That was crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

To have, like a genuinely. Like, I've never had a powerful, like, spiritually powerful. Yeah, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. And then the pie.

[Matt McCusker]

Almost.

[Ari Shafir]

Almost pie.

[Matt McCusker]

Near pie.

[Ari Shafir]

Did you leave. Put the last part in just for like, a little, you know, a little, like, leftover touch.

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, no, no. You're talking about, like. And then it's kind of going back in. Yeah, No, I would have. I was. Dude, I was a rabid dog. I had full. I had full, like, iguana eyes. Just like, ew, man, I. Dude, I. I didn't realize. I didn't know what I was setting myself up into, man. You don't know really who you are until you've held it in like that. Then you. All of a sudden, you're just. It's. It was crazy, you know, conflicted.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, how long did you hold it in?

[Matt McCusker]

It was only. Really only like 10 days.

[Shane Gillis]

That's. That's a reasonable.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a long time.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was. It was reasonable and it was. Yeah. I was just taking some maka. So I've been waking up.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, you've been getting.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, maka root.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, if you take performing, dancing, do what you've been performance enhancing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, a little bit. A little pds. If you take makaroot. It's. Dude, it's crazy. You wake up just like steel beam.

[Ari Shafir]

What? Give me some right now.

[Matt McCusker]

We can get a good heart at the grocery store.

[Ari Shafir]

I'll get hard right now. Let's get a hard story. Just change the arc of this podcast.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that'd be pretty tight.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I. I just. What's. These guys are battling. You're. You've got boners. You've got a special. I'm playing Hell that loose. They got a new hat. That's it.

[Matt McCusker]

Pretty much.

[Shane Gillis]

But don't you think they should have ops, these guys? Yeah, I think there should be some conflict.

[Ari Shafir]

What's the ops opposition?

[Shane Gillis]

Opposition? They should be battling the other. Their. Their contemporaries.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Why don't you just race to two.

[Nate Marshall]

Pushes rough out here? If we do that, it'll be a bloodbath. There'll be no peace in the streets. We can't have that.

[Matt McCusker]

What would you battle about?

[Sean Gardini]

Guarantee. That's my other new thing.

[Shane Gillis]

The gardening out.

[Sean Gardini]

Gardening guarantees.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, what have you applied that to?

[Sean Gardini]

Like, if there's. If we get ops, we're Gonna have to kill them all.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a gardening guarantee.

[Sean Gardini]

That's a gardening guarantee. Even though I'm Zendini, it's. I will resort to violence if it's. If they're trying to take me off the righteous path, I will have to resort to violence. But otherwise I am Zen.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Sean Gardini]

And that's the gardening guarantee.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Who do you think you match up with in the. The squad. The Kill Tony squad versus you guys?

[Sean Gardini]

Maybe like Aaron.

[Shane Gillis]

It's gotta be. Blow's the man, dude. He might.

[Sean Gardini]

He's cool.

[Ari Shafir]

He ain't got to do to you.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I could take Ari Maddie versus James McCann. We got. Yeah, we got to battle our foreigners.

[Matt McCusker]

Good.

[Sean Gardini]

Now the foreigners.

[Shane Gillis]

Nate Vers.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, who's Cam Patterson?

[Shane Gillis]

Cam. I mean, I guess Lemaire.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Sean Gardini]

Yeah. The mayor is going to have to take a couple because we're outnumbered.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, finish off Belial fast.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then go help somebody else.

[Sean Gardini]

And there's in the four other.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, Lemaire's getting winded fast.

[Sean Gardini]

No, he's the juggernaut. He could take out like four of them.

[Ari Shafir]

Just run at them with his hands.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Sean Gardini]

That's the Gardeni guarantee.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a good guarantee.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Ari Shafir]

So I'm talking about what the hell?

[Matt McCusker]

I did have a. I had a subject to talk about.

[Shane Gillis]

I was hoping you had a subject.

[Matt McCusker]

I kind of had a subject.

[Ari Shafir]

All I got is hella loose your subject, Master.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Yeah, well, I did want to talk to you about the Penn State coach. What the hell. What was that about?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you say something about the guy's hairline or something?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he was. He was hitting him with like, you're not an accomplishment. You're a young guy. He's like, I'm an old guy. I've been around. What you've done is pretty impressive so far. Good job, son. And then he beat him.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What was he negative, though. Like, what was he. What was he saying about the coach? The coach has a straight.

[Shane Gillis]

He was just saying, oh, I wish I had hair like that. He's like, how old are you, man? God damn. So nice. You're so young.

[Matt McCusker]

That's pretty funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Just kind of like.

[Matt McCusker]

Kind of a nice psych out.

[Shane Gillis]

I think he might have been trying to get in his head.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a nice psycho.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's kind of, you know, he.

[Ari Shafir]

Feels that I don't belong. I don't belong. I lost a Northern Ill. Illinois University.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, have we discussed that clip, what you called it, What, When Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They're going to come back.

[Shane Gillis]

Shit's over.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You call me a girl, got to burn it down.

[Shane Gillis]

I said, this is a girlfriend opinion. But I also did say I agree with it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true, true.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, right now you give me a girlfriend. Because after the loss I was like, this is like a season season. This is like a five year loss. This is going to cost us.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not just you lost to Clemson.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I thought it was like the programs.

[Ari Shafir]

For five years if not for the 12th team playoff.

[Shane Gillis]

And then Matt was like, it's galvanizing moment. Matt was like, or they could come together in a, in unity with this lope, this shared depression and rise out of it and go undefeated.

[Ari Shafir]

That's what he said.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, matt, I love you, but that's a girlfriend opinion. And then I said also deep down inside, yes, I 100 believe that that is what is going to happen.

[Ari Shafir]

You see him at the press conference after Penn State, he was saying that about. Oh yeah, yeah, whatever. And he was literally exactly what matters. They came together and then he panned over to the, to them, to like the stars. He goes like, I'll take an answer this one. And it's just two children just going.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, we did our best. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's the quarterback. It's so funny. Christian boy. Really a young boy just having fun for the Lord.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome. That's why they're winning. Obviously.

[Ari Shafir]

They're not masturbating, they're not watching porn. They're not having sex.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't think they're.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't want to comment on the boys. Starts right now. Matt, hit him with this.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

This is crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

I love a quick and easy deposit.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

This is the first I'm hearing about this.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

All I want is for my crew to run our fucking game, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

That's all I want, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Just run our. But this is the person.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

This is out.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

Run your game.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Plug a show.

[Matt McCusker]

Rip it.

[Shane Gillis]

Hurry up and don't be weird and bashful. Talk like a man.

[Sean Gardini]

Hello.

[Shane Gillis]

Get in front of the camera and talk.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Get up there.

[Sean Gardini]

Hello, everybody. I'll be in. I'll be in St. Petersburg, Florida on February 13th and 14th at Coastal Creative in Las Vegas, Nevada at Wise Guys Comedy Club at February 28th and March 1st. Please come to that if you can. SeanGardeni.com It'll be a good show. And that's the gardening.

[Shane Gillis]

Sean, it's too long.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Sean Gardini]

And the optimum noctis, first Tuesday of every month at Creek in the Cave with me, Nathan Marshall and Lamelli.

[Matt McCusker]

Guys, I'll be at the Funny Bone, Liberty Township, Ohio. January 24th, Dania Beach, Florida. February 6th, Columbus, Ohio. Royal Oaks, Michigan. Omaha, Nebraska. Please just go to Matt McCusker.com for tickets. Thank you very much.

[Shane Gillis]

March 20th, I'll be in Manchester in the UK. I was supposed to only do Dublin and London, but my greedy agents wanted me also to do another show. So I'm doing an arena in Manchester on a Thursday. Please come. It's gonna be awesome. It is gonna be fun.

[Matt McCusker]

But no, I'm trying to think.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, what's going on? Dude? Fired up. You got anything weird? What are you reading? I know you're reading something right now.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm doing a lot of research right now.

[Shane Gillis]

What do you research?

[Matt McCusker]

I've been reading a lot about. I've been reading Arguments for Tradition. I just stumbled upon this book, it's called the Sword of Gnosis.

[Ari Shafir]

And they just like, Chad husband. Trout husband.

[Matt McCusker]

Not trad husband. Oh, I mean, I'm sure they'd be down for tried husbands. I'm just reading a academic book about, like, guys slamming Vatican 2. And I think Mel Gibson was just slamming.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. They're just talking about how it was, like, such a gigantic mistake for the priest to face the congregation.

[Ari Shafir]

Renazisi's mom and dad told me that because they had Vatican 3, they were like. People were upset. And they're like, we remember our parents going, that's not Christianity. You don't face us. That's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Vatican 2 in like the 30s or. When was that?

[Ari Shafir]

50S or 60s?

[Matt McCusker]

50S or 60s.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought, oh, okay. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They just one day turn around, everyone's like, what the.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, all right.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And the priest went, yeah, I like it. I didn't know what was going on in here.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. How old are they?

[Ari Shafir]

That was the big come up of Vatican II is just turn around. That was the big.

[Matt McCusker]

And it was.

[Shane Gillis]

It was Latin mass.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Change from Latin to English.

[Matt McCusker]

The idea was you were watching a guy. The altar was supposed to be God. So you're watching a guy commune with God in real time in Latin. And they just, like, switched it and made it person focused, where they're like, bro, you've lost the plot.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Should be about God. Now you're just giving some lukewarm speech.

[Shane Gillis]

True. These dumbasses pep talk once a week.

[Matt McCusker]

They do.

[Shane Gillis]

Just be nice.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, I never thought of it that way.

[Matt McCusker]

When's the last time you heard the homily?

[Shane Gillis]

It's been a while.

[Matt McCusker]

They're not great.

[Shane Gillis]

Like a year.

[Matt McCusker]

They're not great.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to start ghostwriting.

[Shane Gillis]

I want to get a good homily.

[Ari Shafir]

It's a homily. Give me one.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm open for.

[Shane Gillis]

The homily is just when the priest reads something, then he breaks it down.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

This is basically the message for this week.

[Matt McCusker]

He reads the good part of the Bible and then he.

[Shane Gillis]

The important part of the Bible and.

[Ari Shafir]

Then it'll be like gibberish part.

[Shane Gillis]

Your part. We're talking about your part.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, the non gibberish.

[Shane Gillis]

Part the gibberish part.

[Ari Shafir]

Why am I the gibberish?

[Shane Gillis]

No, we like the New Testament.

[Matt McCusker]

New Testament's way more streamlined.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, streamlined, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

The Old Testament's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

I like, don't you have like six guys saying the same in different words?

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Mark and Tony and Bobby and whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

Matthew, Mark and John. Dude, don't disrespect the boys. I don't even know what the fucking Torah. What do you guys do? What do you. What do we do? I don't even know what you guys do.

[Ari Shafir]

Pray. And then Star wars, it's the same thing.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like Jewish Star Wars.

[Shane Gillis]

Is it?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, just like them, like battles and deserts and shit.

[Ari Shafir]

It's like the passage this week they were battling the desert. What is what, what can we learn from that? It's that, hey, if you have sand up your ass, maybe you should also wipe or whatever. Yeah, whatever the message is.

[Matt McCusker]

It is kind of sick though, to be like, this is just our story. Meet every Sunday. Like, remember we got that big ass fight with the Egyptians. That was so.

[Shane Gillis]

It's. Honestly, that's what me and my friends do. Go to a bar once a week and go, dude, senior year we could have beat Lancaster Catholic. That battle with Lancaster Catholic, huh? What else is going?

[Ari Shafir]

That's pretty much all we did too.

[Matt McCusker]

That was pretty much it. I've been reading that. I told you about my. I told you about the Chesterton book. You didn't seem to like Chester.

[Shane Gillis]

I did that. I. I did not like.

[Matt McCusker]

Came around.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Came around, but yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't like silly guys. Silly men.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he is pretty silly, but I, I think it was needed. He was like a British gentleman.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, the time period was good to hit that one for a silly man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Cough for some silly man.

[Shane Gillis]

You're a silly man.

[Ari Shafir]

You're a good fop.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Somebody with like tassels here, frills just does stuff right. Yeah, I'm a silly man.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, this half the half face shave, that was silly as hell.

[Shane Gillis]

That was silly man.

[Matt McCusker]

I ruled that was fruit. That was disorienting me. I would see clips and I would get like, like what the going on. It like did something to my brain.

[Ari Shafir]

It made no sense.

[Matt McCusker]

It did.

[Ari Shafir]

It just wasn't right socially.

[Matt McCusker]

It was not right.

[Ari Shafir]

Pissed off a lot of people, angry people, pissed off nice people. It made happy people.

[Shane Gillis]

But it was tough to talk with you.

[Ari Shafir]

If I. As long as I could talk sideways to you, the best at the seller, we'd all be talking and someone would be over there. And it'd be like five minutes of Maddie Weiner, like. And then you're like this. What the man?

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I was just. We're. I've trying to have like a real conversation with you and I'm just. Yeah, you're just being.

[Matt McCusker]

It was disorienting. It was. Oh, dude. Speaking of having cool people be happy and, you know, not cool people be mean, I did the slutty Garfield thing on Patreon.

[Shane Gillis]

How did that go? Angry people got mad.

[Matt McCusker]

A lot of angry customers.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait, they didn't like slutty Garfield on Patreon?

[Matt McCusker]

Some people did it, which made me laugh more, honestly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I mean, it's very funny.

[Matt McCusker]

So it was a. It was a mystery. A secret artist just, like, sent me this thing. He's like, I made it. I don't know what to do with it. Just like. And I was like, dude, please let me put this on my Patreon. It's about Garfield. It's about Garfield becoming a street walking prostitute. Street walking trans prostitute. And then John's just trying to find him and save him or save Garfield from the underworld. Save her, Ms. Lasagna.

[Ari Shafir]

What's Odie doing?

[Shane Gillis]

His name was a street dog. What is Odie doing?

[Matt McCusker]

Odie's. A bit of Odie's in the underworld.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, really? Drugs or what?

[Matt McCusker]

I can't spoil. I've seen a lot of the stories arc. It's so fun. It's just funny.

[Shane Gillis]

You can spoil it.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't spoil it. Dude, it's so funny. It's so funny to. One day I. All I kept thinking about is a guy waking up and just being like, oh, sweet. What? The guy's trying to. Garfield.

[Shane Gillis]

It is funny. Exactly right.

[Ari Shafir]

John's gotta find him in a room, like, taken when he finds his daughter.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

And just to have people be like, yo, for real, dude, this isn't it.

[Shane Gillis]

You.

[Matt McCusker]

It keeps me. I just got. I talked to the dude who did it. He's like, I'm gonna fire up three more right away.

[Shane Gillis]

He should just keep making them the exact same story, just with different cartoon characters.

[Ari Shafir]

That'd be sweet, Heathcliff.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well, it's actually really well done. Like, it's like. It just looks like a professional.

[Shane Gillis]

You showed me the drawing.

[Matt McCusker]

It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Very good.

[Matt McCusker]

It's unbelievable how, like, good it is. And then it's just about Garfield selling, selling. And John being, like, sexually bothered on the streets as he tries to find out what's happening. It's so funny. It's just people trying to force John to do gay stuff.

[Ari Shafir]

To find his. Find his lost cat.

[Matt McCusker]

Find his lost cat. Every time he brings it up, people like, I that last week she sucked my dick down off K. What mutant made this? Who's doing this? Can't reveal his identity.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, he's got a hidden identity.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he's a secret artist. He might be. I. I just. Our paths just crossed and he. Honestly, the dude makes me laugh, so I talk to him all the time. He's so funny. Shout out the secret artist. I might do. I might do like a drug zinc style interview where I interview him. And it's just his face is blurry.

[Shane Gillis]

I just thought it was gonna be funny. Garfield trans. You got locked.

[Matt McCusker]

Garfield.

[Shane Gillis]

Fetal.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's been my whole weekend. Oh, dude. So I. I went to ATL helium. ATL. It actually is in Alpharetta. It's 45 minutes, or it's like about 38 minutes outside of Atlanta. It's nice, though.

[Shane Gillis]

That's where you get the honkies.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You want to sell some tickets?

[Matt McCusker]

There was a lot of honkies.

[Shane Gillis]

I had 45 minutes.

[Matt McCusker]

I did get to spend a little bit of time in Atlanta and I thought I would have seen more gay black guys.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

Because I think that is the Mecca. And I'm being like, honest. I was ready to be like, all right, let's go. I want to see like, you know. You know, like the Mormons. When you're in Utah, you're like, let me.

[Ari Shafir]

Natural habitat.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So I'm like, let's go. I just, I thought I was just gonna get, you know, some gay black attitude. Just a little treat.

[Shane Gillis]

Gay black attitude would be a nice treat.

[Matt McCusker]

Just a little treat.

[Shane Gillis]

Just a little sass.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ari Shafir]

Aggressive sass.

[Matt McCusker]

A little spice. But I. Dude, I go down there, so they send me out to cracker ass Alpharetta. So I didn't see any gay black guys. So I was kind of like, oh.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you didn't get to see anything.

[Matt McCusker]

I know.

[Shane Gillis]

Because I was gonna say, if you were in Atlanta, you'd see him.

[Matt McCusker]

I know.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a little sassy.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. Thank God I have my black wife with actually nice for some reserved sass.

[Shane Gillis]

But Atlanta's. It's very nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's freaking nice. I do like, yeah. But yeah, dude, I go down there. You know, I was joking about always assuming my wife is faking it. When she has any ailment, I just assume. I'm like, if she has any ailment, there's for Some reason there's part of my brain that's like, yeah, right.

[Ari Shafir]

Sure you do.

[Matt McCusker]

Sure. Literally. So then we're down. We get there first night we're there. She's like. Like, she's been saying it for two days. She's like, I don't really feel that well. And I'm like, dude, it's just the. Whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

It's just because you're on a trip with me. You're ruining it. It's because I have to work this weekend.

[Matt McCusker]

Had the kids, everything. So I'm sitting there and all of a sudden I'm like. She's like, coughing. I don't feel well. And I'm like, dude, just. You need. I always tell her, I just need to drink some water, dude. Drink some water.

[Ari Shafir]

Walk it off, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

She hits me. I. I uber or whatever. Doordash the thermometer. She's like, 102.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like 106.

[Matt McCusker]

106 in park. She was one of two.

[Shane Gillis]

A black person has a fever. I have a fever of 106 in park.

[Matt McCusker]

106 park. That'd be so dangerous. But, dude, she had a. She had the flu.

[Shane Gillis]

Did she ever hit you back with I told you need to drink water?

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I mean, I'm in that deadlock right now every day. Have you drank enough water? All I do is drink water. Yeah, I chug water. Don't talk to me about drinking water.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm. I'm more so pushing the water agenda. But she has hit me with it. Like, you haven't drank a lot of water. Yes, I have water.

[Shane Gillis]

Cool.

[Matt McCusker]

In my office. You don't know what the I'm doing.

[Ari Shafir]

You don't watch.

[Shane Gillis]

It is offensive when someone's like, you drink any water?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's like, yeah, of course. What do I smell? Like, why the are you saying.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, I know about.

[Matt McCusker]

I gotta stop dogging on her over water intake. But it's. Dude, it's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Get in there.

[Matt McCusker]

I was peeped, dude, she had a fever. And I'm like, yeah. I gave her this big water bottle. I came in the next day and I was like.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, dude, they don't drink water. They're literally cats.

[Matt McCusker]

That was her. That was like, her hamster bottle. And I'm like, peeping the level. I'm like, dude, it went down that much?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you had a sip of water?

[Matt McCusker]

Some water. I'm sorry. I'm like.

[Shane Gillis]

So then my sister, she has to put those, like, flavors. Flavor packs. It's like, just drink the Water.

[Matt McCusker]

Drink the water.

[Shane Gillis]

Everything has to be soda.

[Ari Shafir]

They won't do it.

[Matt McCusker]

It's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

I get plenty of water in my soda and beer and coffee.

[Shane Gillis]

They hit you with the. Every woman hits you with the. I didn't get a good night's sleep. I'd say I was with you. I saw you. Oh, 14 hours.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I have actually, I have that data on that. They don't get good sleep.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, I know.

[Matt McCusker]

So when I got the aura ring, I. I don't have it right now, but I was wearing this aura ring. It was like tracking my sleep, all this stuff. Finally talked my wife into getting one. We went to bed at the exact same time. We both wore them. I woke up. It was like eight hours of sleep. I woke up. I'm like, dude, I'm like, my readiness score is 93. This is awesome. What's yours? 55.

[Shane Gillis]

You toss and turn.

[Matt McCusker]

She is. When they get their periods, their body temperature rises. And I was peeping her readiness score and it was like, dude, it was 55. Would be like if I had like five beers and stayed up till three in the morning. And we got eight hours of sleep.

[Shane Gillis]

Let's take the decent. That's 95 readiness for me. God damn. I was good. Ready to season that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. And I woke up next to her and I was like, what the happened? She's like, I told you I don't feel well when I have my period.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not. And sleep.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn, dude, you're think of those floppy tits.

[Matt McCusker]

I got the data.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, I can't sleep on this. It sucks to be a chick.

[Matt McCusker]

It.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, it does suck, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't know. It's. It's like a whole week leading up to it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Every week.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. But dude. So she had her every month.

[Shane Gillis]

Part of.

[Matt McCusker]

She rode off a week of period into flu.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So it was period to flu. Then I'm doing shows. So like Thursday I. We get the diagnosis. I'm like, damn, you're.

[Shane Gillis]

They hate show weekends anyway. Anyway.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, true.

[Shane Gillis]

They hate show.

[Matt McCusker]

I think her body just rejected it.

[Shane Gillis]

Their bodies reject shows. Did you? Every single lady rejects the show.

[Ari Shafir]

Why do you do. Why do I gotta do the thing I love doing and I do for money? Yeah. And you knew was coming on the schedule for three months straight. You knew was coming. Why do I do it?

[Shane Gillis]

Go out every.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, why are you doing? And then there's no show weekends. Like, what do you want to do? Let's just watch. Let's just watch some shows. Yeah. That you need me Home for that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Well, dude, I was nervous. I'm. What. I'm. What I'm trying to tell you right now is that I had all weekend. I'm not trying to say, like, I'm a hero or whatever, but it was. Babe had a fever. I had to do all this stuff during the day. For the most part. Obviously we do. We brought a babysitter with us, so I got to chill a little bit.

[Shane Gillis]

But this is a hero.

[Matt McCusker]

But I had to make breakfast, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So I. Dude, I was, like, getting up, and it was like I would lay next to. What was crazy is I was laying next to her all night, and it's like, you know, if you get. If I get the flu, I was.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, like, oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So it would just be, like, coughing. And I just laid there just being like, we'll see what happens. Powered through the whole weekend. It was pretty. There's a lot, dude. And then they canceled two shows over the snow. It snowed an inch and a half in Georgia, which, to be fair, at first I was kind of salty because I was just like, dude, this is not that bad. But they didn't really ice. They didn't salt the roads. And it's. It's like you're releasing it. I think it was like, 350, the club. So you'd be releasing, like, let's say at least 500 drunk drivers that night. That's fair. But when people were like, oh, McCusker canceled. Cause a little snow, I was like, that. I don't care, dude. I don't care what people say.

[Shane Gillis]

How long did that take?

[Matt McCusker]

30 seconds. I grabbed my phone. I was like, for the record, the club canceled. I felt like such a dumbass as I was like, damn it. I showed my hand. It was instantly people like, you, fair weather McCusker.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, I got a good one. I did San Antonio and Dallas, and I like to come out to Dire Straits money for nothing. Nice usually hits when it doesn't hit. I felt like a real turd. I was expecting a very ruckus. Applause.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Kind of mediocre. I just walked out. I was like, hey, guys, that was pretty intense, huh?

[Matt McCusker]

Who was that guitarist?

[Ari Shafir]

Shane.

[Matt McCusker]

That's pretty sick.

[Shane Gillis]

It's nice.

[Ari Shafir]

That guy is one of the ugliest rock stars in the world.

[Shane Gillis]

I've never seen him.

[Ari Shafir]

He just hit before mtv, the lead singer of Dice, the guy from Genesis. They're both like, couldn't have existed once MTV came around.

[Matt McCusker]

Who from? Who from Genesis?

[Ari Shafir]

The main guy. Not the one who left the one who stayed.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah. It wasn't. What you call it?

[Ari Shafir]

Collins, kind of. Yeah, Phil Collins.

[Matt McCusker]

It was. You think Phil Collins.

[Ari Shafir]

He was in an interview once. He goes, I could never make it now. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm musically gifted.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know how to comb my hair.

[Shane Gillis]

Dire Straits is some ugly ass.

[Matt McCusker]

Ugly, bro. Wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, wow.

[Ari Shafir]

Well, let me see.

[Shane Gillis]

I know they're not the worst crew.

[Ari Shafir]

Sucks. That guy sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

I could see him over as a rock star. I could see why someone in school called him that.

[Shane Gillis]

What's his name? D. Snyder was the brother. He was an ugly ass bull.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Ugly rock star is a sick life because.

[Ari Shafir]

Also making up for lost time.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

This is what I should have done in high school.

[Matt McCusker]

True. Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And then some.

[Shane Gillis]

Twisted Sister looks like Ian fighting.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

It kind of is giving me Ian Finance vibes.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you. What do you. Are you just going through just like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. This guy seems like one of the uglier. D. Snider.

[Ari Shafir]

That's why they had the big hair to cover it up.

[Matt McCusker]

Are you talking about the blonde dude?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

D. Snyder is a name that I've always heard of, but I'm like. I don't know where I'm supposed to know him from.

[Shane Gillis]

I think Twisted Sister.

[Matt McCusker]

The is Twisted Sister. That's a sister.

[Ari Shafir]

Second biggest hit.

[Matt McCusker]

We're not going to take it.

[Shane Gillis]

We not.

[Ari Shafir]

What's your second biggest hit?

[Shane Gillis]

And then it's. Why would you even look at me?

[Matt McCusker]

What is. I don't. I don't know any. I don't know a lot of hair. I want to rock.

[Shane Gillis]

Rock.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. There you go.

[Ari Shafir]

Good one.

[Shane Gillis]

The kids are back.

[Ari Shafir]

Nobody knows that one.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you do. It was in. I think it was in Jackass.

[Ari Shafir]

Sing it all the way through.

[Shane Gillis]

TW Sister rules.

[Ari Shafir]

No one knows this yet.

[Shane Gillis]

This was in Jackass. This is good.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know the court.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

The refrain.

[Ari Shafir]

I know it. I never know. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I never. That never caught on with me. That, like, genre of music.

[Ari Shafir]

It sucks.

[Shane Gillis]

No, it got me for a little punk.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Punk in general.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I never. I was. I wouldn't say me and my uncle had an argument, but me and my uncle were skateboarding the other day.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

He's like. Was like 52, just still ripping it. It's ripping it pretty hard. But I was telling him they were. They had a speaker. And I was like, people were blasting music. And I was like, dude, 90s early 2000s, where I think the golden era of skateboarding music. And he, like, was just Quiet. He's like, got quiet for a little bit. And then after we're done, he's like, yeah, I don't know about that, man. It was definitely hit him hard.

[Shane Gillis]

Late 90s, early 2000s.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I was saying.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, it's Tony Hawk here.

[Ari Shafir]

No, Tony Hawk is way before the 90s.

[Shane Gillis]

No, no, but no, no, the music, the video game. When. When skating, like, got huge.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's. I was like. Because I was. I. That when I'm like. When I go to the pump track, I'll hit the headphones and listen to like. I just go there, skateboard and listen to music I listen to when I was like 13. It's so sick.

[Ari Shafir]

What is it, like blink? What's. What's the genre?

[Matt McCusker]

311.

[Shane Gillis]

I was 3 11, though. That's from Money.

[Matt McCusker]

Money Ball. Stones.

[Shane Gillis]

Is that it?

[Matt McCusker]

A real big fish.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Maybe sellouts.

[Matt McCusker]

Real big fish.

[Ari Shafir]

Real big fish. They were great.

[Matt McCusker]

All stones are nasty too. I never thought that I could have done it.

[Ari Shafir]

I saw them at Webster hall once. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm into. I'm in that big brass sound right now. I've been listening to Blood, Sweat and Tears. Did you ever with them?

[Shane Gillis]

No, brother. What are they up to?

[Matt McCusker]

Just that big brass sound. There's a lot of. A lot of horns.

[Ari Shafir]

And you got a scanner.

[Shane Gillis]

You got your horns going.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm getting some horns going, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

That was legitimately a great act out of a musician. Musical instrument.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, the. My mouth trumpet.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Sorry.

[Shane Gillis]

It was really good.

[Matt McCusker]

I can really nail it if I wanted to. I can now. But please, you know, I get a little shy.

[Shane Gillis]

Please don't get shy, bro. I know you're showing wet your whistle.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

The end was incredible.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Really pulled it.

[Ari Shafir]

That's a bold move.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been kicking myself on the drive like, dude, I could have trumpeted so much better on the floor.

[Shane Gillis]

You're. But you need redemption at the national title.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. To kick the ball.

[Shane Gillis]

What do you think about heading down Atlanta way on a Monday to kick a field goal for the national title?

[Ari Shafir]

I might have you tried what I missed?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It was close.

[Shane Gillis]

It was. It was a four, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

And I only.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, again, like a 30 yard field goal.

[Ari Shafir]

30 yard. Nobody's watching. Nobody's. Nobody's like trying to block?

[Shane Gillis]

No. Thousands of people. Millions of people on tv.

[Ari Shafir]

Nobody's blocking though.

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, if someone rushed me, I. I would have.

[Shane Gillis]

It would have helped.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

True. It would have increased the pressure elevate a little bit.

[Ari Shafir]

30 yards.

[Matt McCusker]

And I'm not trying to sound like a baby. I, like, didn't really eat all day, too, so. You really eat all day. And it was free.

[Shane Gillis]

It was a good boot.

[Matt McCusker]

It was.

[Ari Shafir]

Did you try one?

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Because you knew you wouldn't do it like Charlie Brown yourself.

[Shane Gillis]

The weirdest part was I went for it. So every. Every week, college game day, they. They pick a college student to kick, and if the kid makes it, they give him, like, half a million dollars or $200,000.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn.

[Shane Gillis]

Because the kids never make it. Really. But the I. Matt went on and kicked it just kind of like, as a fun one. And then the kid who kicked it tried as hard as he fell twice.

[Ari Shafir]

Fell.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It was slippery. Dude. I would have. I would have torn my ACL doing that. I saw a big dog do that on game day. He was warming up for it and fucking ripped his. Wow, that's a couple brewskis. It's slick. You go, I gotta kick this. Everyone's watching.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Dude, it's.

[Ari Shafir]

I.

[Matt McCusker]

The weirdest part was I've never really tumble before, so I had no con. I had no idea, like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If it was gonna go anywhere, like, how it was going to move. And I was, like, so.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, pleasantly surprised.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It was the boots. The key was the snow boots. You gotta bring the boots and the straight on. I just did the. That guy sideways. Now, the kid who fell, like, did like, a sub. He, like, walked to the side. He looked like he knew what he's doing.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he was trying to try to.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, really hoof it with, like, the inside of his foot.

[Ari Shafir]

You can get your leg up to there, though.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoa, chill.

[Matt McCusker]

Y. Chill, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

What the hell was that?

[Matt McCusker]

Nazi paws, yo. You can just elevate straight up. You're like. Although it is your leg, to be fair, you are accurate.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

I should have just done that.

[Matt McCusker]

You are accurate.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Damn it. One of the best ones I saw was in Australia, Aussie football game. And then halftime, they had this thing where you have to go up and do a fair catch, and then they try to hit you. And so they had a guy with a mattress hitting people, like, do a fair catch. We're gonna mattress pummel you. See?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh. See if you can do it.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. One guy missed. You know, they pummeled him. Another guy, like, catches it, falls over, and everyone's like, he got it. And then the ball just rolls away, and we're all like, he's out.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Came down like that. And the ball just slowly. There was a third guy was gonna go. And they're like, game's over.

[Shane Gillis]

Game's over. Fuck that guy up. Oh, man.

[Matt McCusker]

I just saw a. I saw a clip of the Slap League.

[Shane Gillis]

I got into the Slap League algorithm this week.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you? So did I. Did you see the dude who got knocked out in the last one?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I thought they all got knocked out.

[Ari Shafir]

It's fine.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't. I actually watched the whole episode one time, and I see a lot of people get knocked out. Maybe it was just the one I watched. I watched a clip of this dude getting knocked out on a slap. And it's funny because it just got the Dana White, who's just in a chair, like. Like, oh. Every time.

[Shane Gillis]

It's in a way, like, I can't believe that happened.

[Ari Shafir]

Like, he wasn't guarding himself. He was gonna get slapped.

[Matt McCusker]

It is just so sick to, like, you know, he's got a lot of stuff going on, and he makes just, like, I guess a couple hours every week to go sit in a chair and just watch man get slapped in the face. Yeah, he created that. Or I guess he bought it or whatever.

[Ari Shafir]

I heard Tony, Maddie were down there, like, let's do a commentary. Like, hey, we can make this funny and stuff. And Dana was like, it's not funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Serious thing. And I'm trying to get it like a real sport.

[Matt McCusker]

They're like, it's a sick sport. It looks like it reminds me of, like, a medieval bar game.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, just.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, it was.

[Shane Gillis]

And they talk to each other. It is disheartening when the guy slaps a guy and he doesn't move. And he's like, oh, I'm gonna you up.

[Matt McCusker]

He's about to slap you next. Yeah, no, I'd quit so fast. Yeah, Just be like, yeah, you know, I actually quit.

[Ari Shafir]

You win.

[Matt McCusker]

Forfeit. Yeah, you already got the jack. You're like, yeah, you know what, man? I'm. I don't need.

[Shane Gillis]

What are we even doing here?

[Matt McCusker]

Smack.

[Shane Gillis]

What's the point of this?

[Matt McCusker]

Just put out, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

My bad on that. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was disheartened today to see the camera on Jim Jones beef. I didn't know they're beefing.

[Shane Gillis]

Beefing, beefing.

[Matt McCusker]

Hard as hell, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, damn.

[Matt McCusker]

Cameron and Jim Jones, you know. Dipset.

[Ari Shafir]

Yes, dude. I'm hip.

[Shane Gillis]

You are. This guy, out of control. Last night, he met Joe Burrow and goes, where did you go to school? Lsu, you fool. I'm sorry.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And now he doesn't even know the diplomats yeah, Diplomats. I thought that was like public knowledge. Diplo. Yeah, he's cool. He's not. Not quite. They were just like in like a 2000s.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Purple haze.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, I do know that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, the.

[Ari Shafir]

So what's our beat?

[Shane Gillis]

Who.

[Matt McCusker]

Not Jim Jones was like, oh, I listened to it today. Cameron laid out the whole thing. He didn't. Obviously he didn't want to do this.

[Ari Shafir]

Jim Jones, the one who gave out his number, that was Mike Jones. Sorry, go ahead.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Jim Jones was part of the Diplomats, but apparently I didn't know they were beefing, but now it's like.

[Ari Shafir]

Doesn't sound diplomatic at all.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly true.

[Nate Marshall]

What did Kieran Ron keep calling? Was it Jomo?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, but he was.

[Matt McCusker]

He was like kind of playing around. Jomo, I guess that was like his nickname. And they were saying it was like, really a weird detail, but like, he was trying to. Like, they're just going back and forth. Like. I think Jim Jones I. From what I believe he was saying, like, I started that. That was basically me. I was. I think he was trying to paint himself as like, I was more of like the underworld kind of like, I don't know, whatever. But he was paying himself as like. That was kind of me, like the brains behind it. Then Cameron, today, it was pretty brutal. It's just like, dude, you were just a fan of ours and the only reason we talked is because you're apparently his grandmom died or his mom died or something. He was like, yo, my grandma died. Free house. And then like, they're like, okay, dude, it's kind of weird. You're like, invited stuff your house. And then the camera was like, you know what, though? It was a free house. So I started like bringing over and just them and Jim Jones's dead grandma's grandma's house.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, man, with that smell.

[Matt McCusker]

He was a teenager. There's still a medical bed.

[Ari Shafir]

You never a.

[Shane Gillis]

Until you.

[Ari Shafir]

Where she can go, like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but he was saying basically, like, you were just like a weirdo he tolerated and then.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, so mean. It was really such a bummer to find out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it was tough.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, you were the one in the friend group. I thought he was a wild card myself.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, he's a wild card. Maybe. Maybe he still is.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

But it was funny because apparently it was a beef from like 10 years ago that got resurrected. So it is sick to be. You know, you guys should look, it's never too. You're never too old to beef. Just be like, like 50 years old. Trying to do your podcast, and all of a sudden your sermon starts beefing with you like that. It's like, bro, can we please? We already beefed about this so long ago. And he just pretty much, like, devastated him pretty badly. He's like, I don't want to do this anymore. And I was listening, like, Jesus Christ. I'd be so mad.

[Ari Shafir]

It's tough to be hard at that age.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

You said it. It's tough to get hard at that age.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, sorry I missed it.

[Matt McCusker]

How are the boners? How are the boners? Can we talk as, like, guys right now? How are the boners going for all?

[Shane Gillis]

Woke up rock hard this morning. I was delighted.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, Morning when you don't need it.

[Matt McCusker]

Great.

[Shane Gillis]

My best to use it.

[Ari Shafir]

Get a bone with my dog a lot.

[Shane Gillis]

You get a boner around your dog.

[Ari Shafir]

Dog's like cuddling sometimes I'm just like, straight body.

[Matt McCusker]

Straight body heat.

[Ari Shafir]

Try to move it away from them. Yeah, he knows.

[Shane Gillis]

He knows.

[Ari Shafir]

More master than before. He loves it.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a little more submissive that morning.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't roll over.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn. If you're getting.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you better sit, dude, you felt your dad's boner. Sit.

[Matt McCusker]

What kind of dog do you have?

[Ari Shafir]

Just like this size.

[Matt McCusker]

Yo, flesh.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait. Sweet little flashlight, that dog.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. A little fleshy.

[Shane Gillis]

Were you about to say you think your dad ever had a boner while you were chilling?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you think he.

[Matt McCusker]

Definitely.

[Ari Shafir]

All of us, right?

[Shane Gillis]

Definitely. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You're like your dad in the morning, he had a boner. If you were in your dad's bed in the morning, your dad had a boner. Or at least a semi.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Especially when you think of there were 30 something. They weren't even, like, old.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, exactly.

[Ari Shafir]

A young man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It just never really stopped, man. I remember I would get woken up in the morning for school and I had a boner. And now it's like, you're woken up in the morning, it's like, damn, I got. I've been trying to, like, hide my boner in the morning since I was, like, 12. I have never. I've not got a break.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it sucks, though, because, yeah, you wake up in the morning, you're like, damn, this is the hardest I've ever been. And then you walk to, like, the bathroom in the shower, and you see you're fully erect. On you go, God damn. I thought this thing was bigger. This thing felt so much bigger than it is, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I literally had that last night. Last night I was like, Yo, I think I might have reached a new level. And I went to the bathroom and was like, n. Same old, same old.

[Shane Gillis]

Like wobbles while you walk.

[Ari Shafir]

Try to bend a boner, like, real tough and try to like.

[Matt McCusker]

No, dude, it's great.

[Ari Shafir]

It's great. You do.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Nice.

[Matt McCusker]

You bend it.

[Shane Gillis]

You're a little pressure player.

[Matt McCusker]

Myself.

[Ari Shafir]

Try to. Try to squeeze it to the top, you know, like one of those pixie sticks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah. What if you caught the pinch? There's got to be a point where, like, the nerve pinches. You're like, ow.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. That point.

[Matt McCusker]

TR. Go past it into.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't bend my bone. Absolute creep.

[Ari Shafir]

I know, I know.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy. That's disgusting. I would never do that. I would never do that.

[Matt McCusker]

That was a good boner. Check in.

[Shane Gillis]

Just check in on everybody's rock hard boner. How you doing, cuz? That is a non boner outfit you're wearing.

[Nate Marshall]

Could be better.

[Shane Gillis]

Happening.

[Nate Marshall]

Not what it used to be.

[Matt McCusker]

You're quiet.

[Shane Gillis]

Since I come back, you're so quiet.

[Nate Marshall]

I haven't been quiet. I've seen you like, twice.

[Shane Gillis]

I want to talk to you and hang out with you.

[Nate Marshall]

Let's hang out.

[Matt McCusker]

Nate, we got to get you harder, dude. We can't silence. The guys suffer in silence when the boys need to be there and get them hard as again, bruh.

[Nate Marshall]

Give me hard. What's the root you were talking about, bro?

[Matt McCusker]

Start taking maca. Take like two tablespoons every morning. You're gonna wake. You're. You'll forget about it and wake up the next morning. Go.

[Nate Marshall]

The boaters are fine. They're fine.

[Matt McCusker]

Just fine. We'll settle for just.

[Nate Marshall]

Where I am bummed is I used to be able to get drunk and. And forever. And those days.

[Shane Gillis]

Those days.

[Nate Marshall]

Now I come home and I'm like. I try. And I'm like, forget it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Marshall]

And I miss the good old days.

[Shane Gillis]

Of yeah, because that's. That's when it's the most fun.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

A couple drinks, you go. I don't give a What I look like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't. We can do sound. Yeah.

[Nate Marshall]

I'll ask for anything.

[Shane Gillis]

Like.

[Nate Marshall]

Yeah, take the. No gracefully.

[Shane Gillis]

That's no problem.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Sober nose. How could you? I thought you loved me.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I'm not mad. I'm just trying to paint my reality to you, which is like, what am I gonna do?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And what would you do if I said no? You would literally cry if you asked me to go down on you and I said, no, you would cry.

[Ari Shafir]

No, I don't want it anymore. I'm just letting you know how I feel like.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I get it. I'm not. I'm not. Trust me. I'm not mad. I just, you know, just. I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Just feel like this. This is crazy. I've been thinking about setting up the menu. I might start setting up the menu where it's like, monthly.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm. I'm just.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm exp. I'm telling you, I'm gonna go.

[Shane Gillis]

Let's take. Let's take a look at the apps. What's the soup of the day?

[Matt McCusker]

What am I getting this month? Can we just talk about it in advance? And what I've come to is two sex. I don't think that's crazy. To ask for two sexes a month.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy. That's low.

[Ari Shafir]

Minimum. Minimum.

[Matt McCusker]

Minimum. I'm talking about the minimum.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Dollar menu and one beach.

[Shane Gillis]

I think dude is nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Finishing complete.

[Ari Shafir]

I want full beach, no sex involved.

[Shane Gillis]

No hand, full beads.

[Matt McCusker]

I like to reserve the.

[Shane Gillis]

That's gluttonous, dude. That's the McRib. The beach comes out once in a blue moon and you go, the McRib is back. I don't know where. No one even told me it was coming.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the point of the bendy.

[Ari Shafir]

That's the period. That's the time.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Ari Shafir]

Period.

[Matt McCusker]

Great. Are you. That's like, literally my passion. You just brought up. I've been passionately crusading for the period blow job. And it's like I'm just in the dark. I feel like I'm alone, brother. I feel like I'm alone.

[Shane Gillis]

No one's ever gotten a period. No one ever gotten period head in a relationship.

[Ari Shafir]

We see you.

[Shane Gillis]

You are seen. We're holding space.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to see one of those videos. Black and white was just, like, written on a cardboard box. Hold it. Thank you for holding space.

[Shane Gillis]

For holding space. They're cranky, dude. They're not going to give head.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the perfect head.

[Ari Shafir]

The cranky head.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Just catching a side matter.

[Ari Shafir]

I get a hot breath.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Your little nasty ass side actually felt good. Jokes on.

[Matt McCusker]

I will say, that's gonna suck so bad to have sex with a guy when you don't really feel like it. Not like I don't want to, definitely.

[Ari Shafir]

Is this good for you when you don't like it? Yeah, it's a pretty.

[Matt McCusker]

It is not even saying like, you truly don't want to, because then it would be off the table, where they're like, fine. It's got to be. So it's just, like, nothing grosser. If you're not, like, in that sexual mood with all those hormones flying, you just watch a guy like. Like, Jesus Christ.

[Shane Gillis]

Can I buy?

[Matt McCusker]

No wonder the handmaiden's tale was so successful.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, dude. Oh, you thinking what I'm thinking?

[Ari Shafir]

Same page. What page you on?

[Shane Gillis]

Wait, no. I've been on the pie page. Good. Did she just say it?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Did she say coming?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, dude, it's. Did she say that?

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not gonna ask. I was awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

I was on them, and then now I'm off them, and it's like, they're starting to call to me again.

[Shane Gillis]

You've always had to call the pot.

[Matt McCusker]

Start thinking about the Bible. I'm like, they had, like, 25 kids, dude. That'll be fun.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, dude, the pie rules.

[Matt McCusker]

It's. Dude, it's calling.

[Shane Gillis]

I held off very late in life.

[Matt McCusker]

So did I.

[Ari Shafir]

So did I. I'll give it occasional.

[Shane Gillis]

I fear the pie.

[Matt McCusker]

The crazy kids in high school. I had kids in high school that.

[Shane Gillis]

Would pie pie and left your friends.

[Matt McCusker]

In high school, it was like, dude, what?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, high school kids tossing pies, and.

[Ari Shafir]

Then they go, she can't get pregnant. Like, why? Like, she didn't last time. Like, that's not. You got lucky the first time.

[Matt McCusker]

I had friends that would pie in high school, and I was like, dude, you're a savage, bro. I was terrified of P. I still fear the pie. Right now.

[Shane Gillis]

I fear Nate's a little thick ass. I know you're P. I love pie. There's no way you're pulling out with that ass.

[Nate Marshall]

I. I put. I do pull out, but you got.

[Ari Shafir]

To leave the room to get out. I have science behind the pie.

[Shane Gillis]

Back it up. That's up. Dude.

[Ari Shafir]

You out yet? You'll know when I'm out.

[Matt McCusker]

Trying to pull out and having your ass hit the dresser. Hit the wall. Oh, that's a new porn genre.

[Ari Shafir]

There's no schwe in this place.

[Shane Gillis]

I can't push the guy getting against the wall.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Nate Marshall]

I want to say anything, but I. I have a friend. I'm not gonna say his name, but he. He.

[Ari Shafir]

Guard dog.

[Nate Marshall]

No, not Guardo. It's Guardog. He's. He's, like, been with a lady for a long time, but never pied.

[Ari Shafir]

What?

[Nate Marshall]

Like, never once.

[Matt McCusker]

That's crazy.

[Nate Marshall]

It's kind of crazy, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Ari Shafir]

That's crazy. Never.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I think I know you're talking about.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, maybe he might have the reverse beep too.

[Nate Marshall]

What's that?

[Shane Gillis]

What is that? If I had to guess who it was, I'd say it was a dump truck. He's pulling out. I had to guess. It was a fire engine backing out. Big red fire truck.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn.

[Shane Gillis]

Do I had again. I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

That Pod squad is like Thomas Attack.

[Shane Gillis]

Squad of P. Dude, it's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

So good. That squad. He talk the page of the mouth squad. The squad is nice.

[Nate Marshall]

What a great squad.

[Shane Gillis]

What's a great squad at the Pull squad. Holy. I told you I was listening to that.

[Ari Shafir]

Who the is that? Pray that on a piece of paper. I want to know who that is.

[Nate Marshall]

Yeah, he won't care. It's Andy.

[Matt McCusker]

Panties in the mouth. Panties in Andy.

[Nate Marshall]

Say his name.

[Shane Gillis]

This boy.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, the Pod squad. Panties in the mouth.

[Nate Marshall]

No, Panties in the mouth. Podcast pit on YouTube.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

I got take a look at the boys.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I didn't. I mean, I. I always like, knew of the ampleness of that squad. Right. Never really thought about in terms of the getting the squad.

[Shane Gillis]

The Fat Boys. The Fat Boys rappers. That's the squad, bro. That's a good.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh my God.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh my God.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man. Dude, I just can't stop laughing about trying to pull out of a woman. Having your butt.

[Shane Gillis]

I gotta pull up.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like it's stuck in my head.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, lady, you gotta move too.

[Shane Gillis]

We gotta go our separate ways here.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that'd be a nice Tim Burton movie. Imagine it like shot like all weird like Tim Burton, but everyone's butts are just blocking whole movie. Just Johnny Depp with a humongous butt just getting trapped.

[Shane Gillis]

You like the bad boy. The bad boys might be pains in the mouth.

[Matt McCusker]

What's Johnny Depp up to right now? Is Johnny Depp.

[Ari Shafir]

He got fat.

[Matt McCusker]

He got fat?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he got chubbed.

[Shane Gillis]

Really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, he's not getting drained anymore.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean he is for sure, but he got chubby last time I saw him.

[Matt McCusker]

Did he really?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Not like kind of powerful to like.

[Matt McCusker]

Defeat your wife in court and then get fat.

[Ari Shafir]

It was the. He was so cool in court. And what's this tin can for? He goes, it's for coke. You know what it's for. Why are we doing this?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he was. That was unbelievable.

[Ari Shafir]

It was such a weird.

[Matt McCusker]

What was the trial.

[Ari Shafir]

Was it just like he said, she said? It was really just like having your friends like at each other in Front of you.

[Matt McCusker]

What was the crime, though? Was the crime abuse? Was the crime.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, I think libel was the crime that he lost. Didn't he lose, like Pirates of the Caribbean and all that from. From her slander, Saying this guy's a scumbag and then suing him.

[Ari Shafir]

I didn't do any of that.

[Shane Gillis]

Captain Jack Spur.

[Matt McCusker]

That's got to be so sick. Yeah, that is good. That there's got to be something cool about that. Like, going through the whole arc of, like, the relationship and getting to sue each other at the end of it.

[Shane Gillis]

Suing each other and having a judge be like, yes, she was a. She was a.

[Ari Shafir]

Legally, the United States says she's a huge rule.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

She wanted a female judge.

[Shane Gillis]

Judge for sure.

[Ari Shafir]

That was a good one.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no. Female judge might have heard her.

[Ari Shafir]

Might have.

[Shane Gillis]

Because she was like, she's a young, young cutie. He's misunderstood.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah. If it was an old lady, though.

[Shane Gillis]

That was damning evidence.

[Matt McCusker]

Turn on the bed, man.

[Ari Shafir]

On my bed. And then wrote your name in my name in on the wall.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Or blood. I think she cut herself and wrote it in blood.

[Matt McCusker]

Did she cut herself, too?

[Ari Shafir]

It's.

[Matt McCusker]

Honestly, I'd rather a girl cut herself than the bed shooting the beds up. Cutting yourself is like, okay, you've obviously cut yourself.

[Shane Gillis]

Is like, here.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, same thing.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like, I show this weekend. You're lying. You didn't cut yourself.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

This weekend. You're trying to ruin it right now.

[Ari Shafir]

It's just that behavior was just like, it's for Lauderdale trash. That's all they were.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, yeah, let's switch over to the Patreon.

[Matt McCusker]

Do the Pat.

[Ari Shafir]

The page.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Go watch Ari Shafir's special on Netflix.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Watch all the way through. Enjoy it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. People from Manchester, England, come to my.

[Ari Shafir]

Show when you go on. Manchester rules.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. In match. Yeah. Please come.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.