Ep 548 - Bowl of Meat (feat. Kevin Ryan & H. Foley)

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast: Episode 548 - "Bowl of Meat" (feat. Kevin Ryan & H. Foley)
Release Date: February 26, 2025

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Introduction to Episode 548

In this uproarious episode of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast," hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis, alongside guests Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, dive into a plethora of comedic topics ranging from culinary adventures to hilarious personal anecdotes. The conversation is fast-paced, filled with witty banter and relatable humor that keeps listeners engaged from start to finish.

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Culinary Chronicles: The Ultimate Ground Beef Debate

The episode kicks off with an enthusiastic discussion about favorite meals, particularly spotlighting ground beef dishes. Shane Gillis passionately describes his go-to meal:

[00:10] Shane Gillis: "I got a bowl of meat and bacon and eggs this morning."

Mark Normand and Chris Distefano join in, reminiscing about nostalgic foods like Hamburger Helper and Bagel Bites, while Joe List adds his own humorous take on the simplicity of these comfort foods.

Notable quotes:

• [01:05] Shane Gillis: "I take ground beef, hamburger meat, sprinkle some cheese on there, put it in a bowl, pour hot sauce on it."
• [02:03] Mark Normand: "I was big on that forever. Yeah. I would get ground meat and be like, dude, nobody knows about this."

The hosts debate the merits of grass-fed versus regular ground beef, with Chris Distefano highlighting the long-standing popularity of ground beef among fitness enthusiasts:

[01:37] Chris Distefano: "All those guys on the Internet, they're like ground beef or grass-fed. Organic ground beef is great for you."

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Nostalgic Nibbles: Fast Food Flashbacks

Transitioning from ground beef, the conversation takes a nostalgic turn as the hosts reminisce about childhood favorites like SpaghettiOs and Bagel Bites. Mark Normand shares his quirky habit:

[02:28] Mark Normand: "I would microwave like 24 Bagel Bites. The outer rim was just cold."

Chris Distefano recounts his unique combination of dipping SpaghettiOs in peanut butter and jelly, adding a layer of absurd humor to the discussion:

[02:40] Chris Distefano: "And I would dip the peanut butter and jelly in the SpaghettiOs."

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Adventures in Aviation: Farts and Flight Attendants

As the episode progresses, the hosts delve into humorous aviation-related stories, focusing on the notorious issue of passing gas on airplanes. Mark Normand shares a vivid memory:

[06:58] Mark Normand: "I'm a freak, man. Did you ever get a newer massage?"

This leads to an animated discussion about the challenges of holding in gas during flights, with Joe List lamenting the inevitable sounds and smells:

[21:08] Joe List: "Now you just have to go on the old school ones."

Notable quotes:

• [25:26] Shane Gillis: "Do you think he looked like what you described?"
• [55:39] Mark Normand: "I was jacking off protected gay sex with one of my buddies."

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Embarrassing Encounters: Condom Catastrophes

A highlight of the episode is the candid and comedic recounting of awkward moments involving condoms. Shane Gillis admits to a childhood mishap:

[43:24] Shane Gillis: "I was jacking off protected gay sex with one of my buddies."

Mark Normand adds his own embarrassing story about being caught in the act:

[46:27] Mark Normand: "I got caught sucking boobs in seventh grade. My dad walked down in his underwear, and he's like, 'Whoa, Jesus Christ.'"

These anecdotes are delivered with a blend of self-deprecation and humor, resonating with listeners who appreciate the honesty and laughter these stories evoke.

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Fitness Follies: Yoga Balls and Weight Loss Woes

The discussion segues into fitness-related humor, with Chris Distefano sharing his tumultuous relationship with exercise equipment:

[33:01] Chris Distefano: "I had a yoga ball for my computer where I would sit there, do blow, jerk off, all that kind of stuff."

Mark Normand humorously critiques unconventional weight loss methods:

[43:31] Shane Gillis: "How's it gonna land on a."

The hosts explore the intersection of fitness, personal struggles, and comedic relief, offering a lighthearted take on the challenges of maintaining physical health.

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Media Madness: The "Route 66" YouTube Project

Towards the end of the episode, Matt and Shane announce their upcoming YouTube project, "Route 66," which captures their comedic tour from Chicago to Los Angeles. Chris Distefano elaborates on the production:

[67:18] Chris Distefano: "We filmed all the shows, filmed everything on the bus and all stuff. And we put it all together. Connor directed it, shot it, and edited the whole thing. And we think it's something different, something fun. So we're excited."

Marketing the project, Matt McCusker encourages listeners to check out the video upon its release:

[67:51] Shane Gillis: "It is very good. Check it out."

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Conclusion and Final Remarks

The episode wraps up with the hosts expressing their affection for their audience and teasing upcoming content. The blend of personal stories, comedic insights, and relatable humor make Episode 548 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" a memorable and entertaining listen.

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Notable Highlights

• Food and Nostalgia: From ground beef meals to childhood favorites like SpaghettiOs.
• Embarrassing Stories: Candid tales about acne breakdowns and condom mishaps.
• Aviation Antics: Humorous takes on the inevitability of farts on flights.
• Fitness Failures: Comedic experiences with yoga balls and weight loss endeavors.
• Upcoming Projects: Announcement of the "Route 66" YouTube series capturing their comedic tour.

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Final Takeaway: Episode 548 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" is a masterclass in blending everyday experiences with sharp humor, making it a must-listen for fans seeking laughter and relatability in equal measure.

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Note: All timestamps and speaker attributions are based on the provided transcript.

Transcript

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

Wow. Welcome to the show.

[Mark Normand]

Here we are again. There we are.

[Shane Gillis]

Hey, guys, how are you?

[Joe List]

Like how you guys just threw it in neutral real quick?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, it's got real dick cabin.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we like to, you know, like.

[Shane Gillis]

To bring them down.

[Mark Normand]

We got a highbrow, real highbrow followers.

[Chris Distefano]

I like it.

[Shane Gillis]

So, yeah, we're going to talk about. We're going to touch on a few topics today. We're going to talk to jacking off for about one hour.

[Joe List]

Okay.

[Shane Gillis]

And that's it. That's the only topic each Foley's going.

[Chris Distefano]

To go over his exercise regimen, talk.

[Shane Gillis]

About exercising, talk about crock pots. Crock pot. Yeah. Speaking of, I need you to fire that thing up.

[Mark Normand]

Do you have.

[Shane Gillis]

I got the broth in the fridge.

[Mark Normand]

I was thinking about your stew all last night. I was like, I wonder if you put it on right now.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't because I brought. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Are you cooking here?

[Shane Gillis]

I'm. Well, yeah, I'm trying.

[Chris Distefano]

Are you really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Last night I had a bowl of meat.

[Joe List]

Sounds like a homeless guy.

[Shane Gillis]

I got a bowl of meat and bacon and eggs this morning.

[Mark Normand]

All right, all right.

[Shane Gillis]

Some spinach in there.

[Mark Normand]

Look at you.

[Shane Gillis]

But the bowl of meat's good.

[Chris Distefano]

What does that mean?

[Mark Normand]

What were you. Salt and pepper?

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, a full. I take a ground beef, hamburger meat. Yep. Then sprinkle some cheese on there, put it in a bowl, pour hot sauce on it.

[Chris Distefano]

Texas chopped cheese.

[Shane Gillis]

So good.

[Mark Normand]

That is good.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't care what anyone says.

[Mark Normand]

No, that's great. That's delicious.

[Shane Gillis]

It's my type of meal.

[Joe List]

I love the whole thing, the whole pan.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, you leave some in there for a little and then you go, you know what, what am I. Who am I kidding? I'm going to finish that pan right now.

[Mark Normand]

I love pound of ground beef.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I love the fact that all these fitness guys are now coming around on hamburger meat.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, that's what it's all about.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Fitness guys like me.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. All those guys on the Internet, they're like ground bee or grass fed. Organic ground beef is great for you. I knew that. Since the 80s, I've been a big.

[Mark Normand]

I've been a big ground beef guy.

[Joe List]

Telling everybody, if that's what happens, I.

[Shane Gillis]

Would lay off at off big time.

[Mark Normand]

I. I really did always wonder why it was so much cheaper than the other meat. I'm like, it's just. You're chewing it up anyway. Why does it matter if it's pre ground?

[Joe List]

Yeah. I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

I was big on that forever. Yeah. I would get ground meat and be like, dude, nobody knows about this.

[Chris Distefano]

Grass fed grass finish, baby. Let's go.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Grass fed Hamburger Helper.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, don't get me started. That was my move back in high school. Come home from wrestling practice, my mom has Hamburger Helper Stroganoff sitting on the table, big glass of milk, go to town.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I was bagel bite guy. I would microwave like 24 Bagel Bites.

[Shane Gillis]

That's.

[Mark Normand]

The outer rim was just cold.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And I would eat all of them and I would dip them in SpaghettiOs every day.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

So I watch Pokemon with my little brother.

[Chris Distefano]

I used to love SpaghettiOs and a peanut butter and jelly with it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yo.

[Chris Distefano]

And I would dip the peanut butter and jelly in the SpaghettiOs.

[Shane Gillis]

Yo.

[Mark Normand]

How crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Just a couple days ago, did you.

[Mark Normand]

With the meatball spaghettios or how did you.

[Chris Distefano]

I did we with them.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I liked it.

[Shane Gillis]

They were pretty big out of the can.

[Chris Distefano]

I just couldn't. When I was a kid, I couldn't do the Beefaroni. Something about it creeped me out. I didn't like the thickness of the nudies.

[Shane Gillis]

The nudies were a little slimy.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

They're too thick.

[Shane Gillis]

I agree.

[Chris Distefano]

It was too bucatini for me. I'm an angel hair man.

[Mark Normand]

Dude.

[Chris Distefano]

When that hit the. When that angel hair hit the households. In dirtbag households in the 90s, we thought we were from Sicily. Thought we were the Medici or whatever.

[Joe List]

Angel hair.

[Shane Gillis]

Spaghetti.

[Mark Normand]

I remember getting real mad at my mom after, like, she busted out the angel hair once. Then she'd go to the regular spaghetti. I'd be like, why?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Something wrong? Why don't. Why are we getting angel hair?

[Shane Gillis]

More expensive somehow.

[Joe List]

It might have been some reason it was fancier.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know why.

[Shane Gillis]

So much better.

[Chris Distefano]

So much.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Sexual.

[Mark Normand]

Angel hair was kind of sexual.

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe that's why the parents for side chicks.

[Mark Normand]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Especially your house. I bet the boys.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. My mom will get the laundry basket that week and be like, good.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That's the angel.

[Mark Normand]

It was just like dumping rocks out of it. Dumpster.

[Shane Gillis]

That's four of the horniest brothers.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Me and my brother, one bed.

[Chris Distefano]

I like it.

[Mark Normand]

It is sexy, man.

[Chris Distefano]

Little olive oil and garlic.

[Mark Normand]

You don't see it out of restaurants either. It's all this bucatini, all this. We don't, you know, we're trying to get.

[Chris Distefano]

It's all fetuccini, which you brought it up. That. That's that side piece. The fetuccini. Fetuccini Alfredo. If you're at the dinner with a girl and she orders the blackened chicken pasta. She's a. She's a.

[Joe List]

This is based off one experience he's had when he was waiting table. He's like this dude rolled in this girl was such a. Or al Chicken Alfredo. And then like that's my. What my mom eats. And now I can't look at her the same.

[Mark Normand]

I will say I'm looking at my mom. I'm like fetuccini Alfredo is slut slop.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

Some other. What's some other slut slope.

[Mark Normand]

I think any kind of like pesto they with.

[Joe List]

Nah. Really?

[Mark Normand]

No, it's definitely fetish. It's fettuccine or. No. What's the other one? The cheese. Cheese filled noodles.

[Joe List]

Ravi Tortellini. Tortellinis are for. Yeah. Dumb.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Just get the ravioli, you skank.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I take back. Take back pesto. Although that might be graduated. That might be elevated. Yeah. Once you get off. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I think filet mignon's kind of got that rap too with sluts. Some bro. Yeah. Some broadle thing. She knows what she's doing. She'll get apparently and get it like medium well. What'd you say?

[Shane Gillis]

I guess I'm a. Oh. I'm always Chicken Alfredo and flaming. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm always filling guys.

[Mark Normand]

You need it. It's good for guys.

[Chris Distefano]

Muscles and guys.

[Shane Gillis]

It's cool. Okay.

[Joe List]

It's for hot dudes only.

[Mark Normand]

It's for hot dudes and giant slots.

[Chris Distefano]

They get that like a cranberry juice.

[Shane Gillis]

Like you dirty E. You're on your period eating Fetuccini Alfredo.

[Mark Normand]

Flaming cranberry juice is kind of sick. He. That also sounds like you're on a date with a 16 year old.

[Joe List]

Can we get a lid on this please?

[Mark Normand]

Not even at your table. Like you nasty little over there with your parents.

[Chris Distefano]

Mac and cheese in a Shirley Temple. Now you're speaking my language.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Although this is how dirt. This is how much of a dirt bag I am. I've never had the. The upgraded Mac and cheese that touched the in the box ever. Once in Philly, Cotton got a platter delivered.

[Mark Normand]

He's got the inside connector.

[Chris Distefano]

Black Mac. Forget about it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Black Mac's different, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

I had a first class education on that because we did Cotton's bachelor party and I like went out and bought all this stuff. We did like a little. Little grill barbecue. I must have bought about 400 worth of store bought potato salad and it was all his boys from the neighborhood and nobody touched it. And after like an hour, I pulled one of them aside and I was like, I was like, juan, how come no one's eating the potato salad? And he's like, black people don't with store bought potato salad.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, man. They. I swear to God, I think they put vibranium in their Mac and cheese.

[Chris Distefano]

It's.

[Mark Normand]

Dude, I have to like take my wife aside. If we go somewhere like my parents house or something, they. It'll be like bleach blonde American cheese on noodles. And like, I'll have to like take her outside to like. All right, dude, you can like scream out here. She gets up, she's like, what is this?

[Joe List]

And I'm like a bunch of pillow.

[Mark Normand]

It's American cheese and milk on store.

[Shane Gillis]

Store bought potato salad being like garlic to vampires. Black people. Next time you go to an unruly neighborhood, have some and be like, were.

[Joe List]

You Velveeta or Craft growing up?

[Mark Normand]

Velveeta hit us number one. Yeah. Craft was going on. And then I. I think Velveeta was one of those things, my friend's house that I like snuck into the shopping cart and I was like, I had some Velveeta and like, my mom was like, get this the out of here.

[Chris Distefano]

Because Velveeta had the. Their angle was it's not powder, it's real.

[Joe List]

The real cheese.

[Mark Normand]

But what kind?

[Joe List]

It was not. It was like just a bed.

[Chris Distefano]

We were a huge Velveeta when I was real young. It was in a huge block.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And you could never wrap up the end airtight enough. So you had to go through like Normandy. You had to get like the first couple of waves of hard dried cheese to get to the good. Oh, I remember my mom, when was tight, she'd be like, just eat it. Be like eating drywall sucks.

[Mark Normand]

It was the first time you have Velveeta. It is kind of like a revelation. Yeah. What the.

[Chris Distefano]

Nothing else. My house doing nothing else Crazy.

[Joe List]

My stepmom introduced me to it and it was like I looked at my mom, I'm like, you gotta pick it the up. You are. I'm about to move into dad's house for good. I will leave you too.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Chips and cheese was like just melting. American cheese on chips was big. And then my friend was like, really hit me with the Velveeta and I was like, bro, yeah. Although I feel like Velveeta was kind of indicative of like a problem. Like usually if there was a Velveeta house, there Was like marital strife.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, there's a couple holes in the wall. Yeah, yeah, there was a couple holes in the wall.

[Joe List]

They were trying to buy back that kid's love.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, for sure.

[Mark Normand]

It's a little Dunkaroo action.

[Chris Distefano]

There was always that one kid that you were friends with that you knew there was trouble in a house that when they would offer you to eat over, you'd be like, nah, I'm good. I'm gonna go home.

[Shane Gillis]

I will say the single mother. The single mother household had snacks. That's where you could find duncaroos.

[Mark Normand]

Good snack.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, she's treating her little man right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, she was subservient to the sun. The sun would be like, give me the Dunkaroos.

[Chris Distefano]

Some random dude leaving with a work truck out front named, like, Ron or something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. My cousin snorted pixie sticks in a single mom basement. Like, there was like, we're at a friend's house, a sing mom. And he just started just railing lines of Pixies.

[Chris Distefano]

My cousin, he developed a drug problem, I would have to assume.

[Mark Normand]

Dabbled, bounce hard, he bounced hard. He dabbled, he dabbled. He was a dabbling man. He's snorting pixie sticks.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, he's something else. Single mother house. You go, I got to do something in this basement. No one can stop me here. There's only a woman, you know, there's no paw.

[Mark Normand]

There's no paw to rain down on you.

[Chris Distefano]

Some house painter. Every couple of weekends showing up. He ain't gonna say he's all about.

[Mark Normand]

It, dude, I'm telling. I've talked about this before, but I'll never forget it. When we were at our friend's house, it was just his mom and he had these walkie talkies. And I swear to God, this actually happened. We're like. He's like, if I go to a certain channel, it picks up my mom's phone conversation. What? And we picked up a phone conversation of his mom complaining that the guy wouldn't sleep with her. And we were all like, turn it off right away. Oh, shut it off.

[Joe List]

One dude. We were looking for porn at my buddy's house one time, or weed or something. We were looking for something that a 13 year old's looking for.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

And we were going through and we looked on. My one buddy was looking under the bed, Dude. And pulled out a. Like a shop. Like one of those, like, plastic shopping bags just full of dildos and like whips and chains. Like, dude, what is this? And there was like five of Us, we're like, put that back, put that back. Like God damn, dude. Why do you have us going under your mom's bed? This is crazy. What did you expect us to find?

[Chris Distefano]

I feel like you had to do that in the summer. Whatever house you were at and there was no one home. You tossed the place.

[Joe List]

Like you're like, you're like a no knife cutting open pillows, dude dumping out.

[Chris Distefano]

Coffee and stethoscope on the wall going around.

[Mark Normand]

My, my brother claims and I, you know, I have reason to believe it's true. But he said he like his friend had like, you know you'd have like, you would like copy VHS off of like TV or whatever. He had some sort of blank tape that they had like a movie on and they want to like put it in to watch it. And his mom and her new boyfriend and recorded a sex tape and like recorded over what had been there. So they like, they watched the first 10 minutes. Then it was just his mom giving.

[Chris Distefano]

From three minutes of coach to anal real quick.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, your mom giving head.

[Mark Normand]

Just head, bro. On a va. Old vhs.

[Shane Gillis]

That's worse than I know.

[Joe List]

It's brutal. That's like the worst thing you can see given head.

[Mark Normand]

That's it.

[Shane Gillis]

What would you prefer to see your mom receiving? Doggy or giving head?

[Mark Normand]

I hate to say doggy.

[Joe List]

Yeah. A little for imagination obviously.

[Mark Normand]

Obviously. It's pov. He's going dirty. Cameraman be like, yeah, that's, that's a.

[Chris Distefano]

That'S a mission though. That's back in the day. That's a heavy ass camera. Body strength.

[Shane Gillis]

She drops it, she's dead.

[Chris Distefano]

It's like a news camera.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like April o' Damn. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. That is a big cam.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, the biggest. Yeah. If they were doing it back then, they were real freaks.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

You had to set up a tripod and all that kind of stuff.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it was crazy being that freaky back then. Took a lot of gear.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like you couldn't just like have a. So you know now you can just have like a cell phone.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

Maybe be live streaming out to people, whatever. But like. Yeah, that sucks. Porn moms, that's a, that's going to be a hard wave of kids growing up with only fans. Moms a lot.

[Joe List]

I mean. Yeah. Son of them.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah man.

[Joe List]

Because back in the day I used to work at the. I used to work in the photo department at a supermarket. Pretty cool guy, you know what I mean? And that was anytime you like a girl would drop off film, you Were really hoping there was naked pictures on there. Nope, not once.

[Chris Distefano]

Fresh. Freshman year, I worked at a West Coast Video. And if you're not familiar with West Coast Video, they had the room in the back.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Chris Distefano]

With the bees.

[Shane Gillis]

You paid a couple visits.

[Mark Normand]

What you worked. I used.

[Chris Distefano]

I used to look at the box and jerk off to the memory of the COVID I remember one was called Heinfeld. It was a Seinfeld spoof.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice.

[Chris Distefano]

Hot. Yeah. Kramer had a hog on him. But this kid worked there. And his mom, single mom, worked there too. They both worked there. And you could see what everybody like, you know, you get to take your movies home a week. No lie. This kid's mom rented Time for an Ass to. And he was Time for an Ass for the next four years in high school. That's tough. Hated us.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Chris Distefano]

Time for an Ass. This is early 90s.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's terrible.

[Mark Normand]

She rented it knowing her son worked there.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Didn't give a. I mean, it was Time for an ass. You see the big hand and the small.

[Chris Distefano]

It's somewhere my boy's dad owned.

[Joe List]

My boy's dad on a bunch of independent. Like, not like a chain, not like West Coast. It was just like Epic Video or whatever. But then Blockbuster came in and he had to close up. So he. But he kept all the porn from like five locations. And it was all in the basement. And for years we had no. I. We'd go over there for years. No idea. We're down the basement and there's just wall to wall boxes. My buddy, like, fall is like out of a movie. Like, falls into one and it just like spills out all over these. Like. Like that whole box is porn. He's like, these are all porn.

[Chris Distefano]

Imagine that we do.

[Joe List]

We rob the. Out of those.

[Chris Distefano]

Imagine that you're spending the whole summer jerking off to Southern Living and you got the Mecca, Treasure of Sierra Madre downstairs.

[Joe List]

Gazonga's three and Lost at Sea. We took.

[Shane Gillis]

What was it?

[Joe List]

Gazunga's three and the other one was Lost at Sea. And that made Lost at Sea made the rounds.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

We had the Spanish fly 14. That was the big tape.

[Joe List]

Damn. They got up to 14.

[Shane Gillis]

That's pretty good. It was a spoof on Psycho and it was called the Butts Motel.

[Joe List]

That's pretty good. That's a thinker, though.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. The knife was. The knife was a dildo in the shower. It was pretty good. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

They made porn funny back then.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Chris Distefano]

And they also spent. I don't know who they had the writers. And I know it was like my good.

[Shane Gillis]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

My hormones were pumping. But the man, the story lines, you'd be. You'd be like, pre coming when she's talking like, oh, he's not coming back for a while.

[Shane Gillis]

And the maids, you go, I got a feeling where this is at.

[Mark Normand]

I'm. I'm still a bit of a story head.

[Joe List]

Like, I love it, I need it.

[Mark Normand]

I kind of need a little bit. If it's just like smash cut to insertion, I'm like, bro, build me up.

[Joe List]

Production.

[Chris Distefano]

Stepdad, stepdaughter have to share a hotel room.

[Mark Normand]

Hello, bro. Share bed might be one of my favorites. I was.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll be honest, I was on shared bed very early before. It was like, people were talking about it and I was like, this is wrong. Yeah, it's so right before the stepmom genre. Like, early on, I got. I got a shared bed video and I. I kept going back to the well on that.

[Mark Normand]

You thought it was wrong.

[Shane Gillis]

And I was like, this is insane. This is. Yeah, Shared shared. Stepson and stepmom on vacation.

[Mark Normand]

That was pre stuck.

[Shane Gillis]

It was pre stock, dude. My body stuff came out and everyone's not afraid to admit they're jacking off the incest porn. And I was like, oh, thank God. Thank God.

[Mark Normand]

Step. It's step. Or they'll claim step. And then in the video, they'll. They won't say, yeah, I'm your mom.

[Shane Gillis]

Let me jack you off.

[Joe List]

Yeah, come on now, advertise.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Stuck didn't. I thought Stuck was going to have a moment. I thought that was goofy and it didn't.

[Chris Distefano]

Sam couldn't do it, really.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought stuck.

[Mark Normand]

Definitely stuck didn't get me. I'm sure.

[Joe List]

I thought it was going to be the next big thing and I feel like it.

[Mark Normand]

I feel like it is. I feel like I've never heard a.

[Shane Gillis]

Comedian not talk about stuck porn.

[Joe List]

I think it exists.

[Mark Normand]

I think you open the floodgates. I didn't. I didn't hear about it until you said it.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, Matt, don't put this on me.

[Joe List]

You're really stuck at death.

[Shane Gillis]

Born on me, freak.

[Chris Distefano]

0 Shane Gillard, who knows you love.

[Mark Normand]

Better days and you love stuck, Notre.

[Shane Gillis]

Dame and stuck porn.

[Mark Normand]

I just find I have a believability.

[Shane Gillis]

Under Armour stuck porn commercial.

[Chris Distefano]

In the. In the shared beds. The mom always slept it away. Like, she was like, her ass was always.

[Shane Gillis]

What are you doing? Yeah, I can help you with that.

[Mark Normand]

What the hell?

[Joe List]

It's always like, well, Just because we need sleep. You know what I mean? It was like, we have to get to bed. So let me do.

[Shane Gillis]

I told you we have a big day tomorrow.

[Joe List]

You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

So motherly. Yeah, I. I've been off the porn. I don't. I don't want to. I don't want to shoehorn this in every discussion. I've been off since January.

[Chris Distefano]

Good for you.

[Joe List]

Are you thinking clearer?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you get harder over less, for sure. You get kind of like high school kind of boner type things.

[Chris Distefano]

Scrolling is. Is a trigger for me because my. My Twitter feed and my search page on Instagram is just bad news. And I'll just. I'll catch something and I'll just be like, all right. And then right to you. Porn.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Shane Gillis]

Instagram can draw one loose.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You see it especially alone in a hotel. That's. You know what I have now? You know those. You know those things you strap to your head? There's a ball on a string, you punch it. I have one of those and I do that. I do that at night.

[Chris Distefano]

You're super glueing your eyes closed.

[Mark Normand]

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, dude, those things are.

[Joe List]

Never leave that.

[Mark Normand]

That's what I. I just.

[Shane Gillis]

Shadow boxing. Yeah, I'm horny as I better shadow box in my hotel room.

[Mark Normand]

The noise is. You could probably hear it.

[Joe List]

It still sounds like you're jacking off. Dude.

[Mark Normand]

Dude, it was effect. It does calm you down though, because you get the willies after a show. You're like, I want to do something.

[Chris Distefano]

Of course. Yeah. What do you mean? I want to eat something, drink drugs, eat, get.

[Mark Normand]

So you want to do something up?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So I just punch the ball. I just.

[Shane Gillis]

You're an adrenaline. You want to hurt yourself.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I. Dude, I. The older I get, the more I kind of can see. Remember hearing about those guys that have like hookers rub their backs and that's it?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, I've heard of those guys.

[Mark Normand]

I'm kind of. I could see it now. I'm like, dude, I used to like laugh when I was younger. Like why the would anyone do that? Now I'm like, no, I kind of.

[Chris Distefano]

To a hug.

[Mark Normand]

Right on.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's a hug.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, hug.

[Shane Gillis]

Some nice words like talking to a.

[Mark Normand]

Lady put you to sleep. That'd be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe a front behanson. Just a bring him into my hotel room and I go, what are you doing here?

[Mark Normand]

You know, I'm only two.

[Shane Gillis]

Here to meet a 37 year old man.

[Chris Distefano]

What are you Doing with a ball hanging from his forehead.

[Mark Normand]

That's the part I'm leaving out. There's just four, like, very cheap hookers there watching you. I'm standing on.

[Chris Distefano]

You're showing them a little.

[Mark Normand]

Standing on their butts like a Bosu ball. Yeah. I mean, dude, I wish women would be cooler about hookers, honestly. You know what I mean? Like, why are they so uptight about hookers?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wives and hookers could be a team. And instead they have to be enemies. I don't know why.

[Chris Distefano]

I agree. What's all the fighting about, huh?

[Mark Normand]

There's enough of me to go.

[Joe List]

What a catch you are, huh?

[Chris Distefano]

Plenty of bagel bites for everybody, girls.

[Shane Gillis]

And stock this off, they could team up.

[Chris Distefano]

I got a whole brick of Velveeta.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like watching a nature documentary when they. You see one of the wildebeests go down. There's a million wildebeest. It's like, dude, you guys could help.

[Chris Distefano]

But you're too dumb to figure this out.

[Shane Gillis]

Wives just got together. The wildebeest.

[Mark Normand]

That's what I'm saying.

[Chris Distefano]

Isn't it weird? Nature documentaries, the way they present it, they can really twist your view of, like, say it's a baby wildebeest and it's a lion. You're, like, rooting for the wildebeest to get away.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But then other times you're rooting for the predator. Like, the way they spin it.

[Shane Gillis]

They spin it like crazy. And then they set up cameras and then they add noises and it's. They give the animals, like, human, like, traits.

[Chris Distefano]

Or if they talk about, like, you know, like, I just watched one on polar bears and it was like a mom and two baby polar bears, and.

[Joe List]

They really jacking off immediately. It says polar bears.

[Chris Distefano]

The ones that made.

[Joe List]

Dude, I forgot we're staying in Airbnb. He walked down the other day out of his bedroom. He's like, I'm going upstairs for a little bit. Goes up close the door, comes down and just immediately starts washing his hands. And I'm like, dude, you couldn't make that any more blatant what you just did up there. Dude, you couldn't hear him.

[Chris Distefano]

He's working on the car. What are you talking about?

[Joe List]

He came right down. What's up? No shirt on. What's up? God, like, you just had sex.

[Chris Distefano]

I was filling up the rental car with washer fluid.

[Shane Gillis]

That is alert. She like, I think I'm going to take a nap. Ten minutes later, you come out. I couldn't sleep.

[Joe List]

Goddamn drilling next door.

[Chris Distefano]

I couldn't hear nothing, immediately get something to eat. I got a huge stain right below my stomach.

[Mark Normand]

He was giving you college roommate questions like what, what. What are you going to do? I'm going to go take a nap.

[Shane Gillis]

What are you going to do?

[Mark Normand]

Calf or something?

[Joe List]

You go get fourth meal.

[Chris Distefano]

I'll be.

[Joe List]

I got to shut it down.

[Mark Normand]

It's 10:30am.

[Shane Gillis]

Just dying for a nap. I'm.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't like down here too. They get in your business.

[Joe List]

How do you get on pornhub down here? What are you guys doing? I get why you get off it now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You just gotta go on the old school ones.

[Chris Distefano]

What are you supposed to do? Put your email address in or something like that?

[Shane Gillis]

Just don't do it.

[Mark Normand]

It's like the opposite. Yeah, don't, don't go on the. It's like the opposite when you're. It's like when you're like younger and you need to get an older person to buy you alcohol. You gotta ask the kids like, yo, what are you guys all jerking?

[Shane Gillis]

Hang out at liquor stores.

[Chris Distefano]

Hey, Billy, what's your email address?

[Mark Normand]

But no, you just gotta remember old porn sites and that's what you just.

[Chris Distefano]

X videos is cool.

[Joe List]

X videos, yep.

[Mark Normand]

Just pornhub. Pornhub. You can't go on.

[Joe List]

I'm a hub, man. I just never. Do you guys ever have a password back in the day to like a pornhub?

[Mark Normand]

We. There was a browser's password.

[Joe List]

It was like 14 sites.

[Shane Gillis]

You could get huge, dude, man, Dex videos. It's weird because down here the porn is. I don't know. Now mine's all like Latinos.

[Joe List]

That's what you're into?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I mean, you're bad. That's the LAD algorithm.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the algorithm. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's all. Yeah, that's kind of what's in demand right now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I can roll with that.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Go with it. Let's go.

[Shane Gillis]

Great.

[Chris Distefano]

Those, those passwords and like that our dads is who they. That who they got up by that. All that kind of stuff and the pop ups.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

My dad literally went through five laptops in like a six month period. I don't know. It's crazy. Coming up, my mom's like, what the.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it sucks coming upon like some. If you hit like a desktop and you like see the circus. They don't. They didn't know about search history.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Mark Normand]

So you could see the search history and be like, God, old man, what are you doing?

[Shane Gillis]

Searching boobs like a eighth grader.

[Chris Distefano]

Something about My dad. I was like, dude, I. We know you're not. I don't know you talking about it. He's hats like, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Come on, man.

[Mark Normand]

My dick's a lot bigger now, though. Really?

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

No, I'm saying he got some ad. You could click the ad.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You got dick pills.

[Mark Normand]

I've added five to seven inches.

[Shane Gillis]

About the mature lady in my area. Joke's on you. I'm about to a bunch of locals with someone.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Whistle.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I want to know if that's ever worked out for anybody. I don't know a single person who's hit, like, the fine. Does it work?

[Shane Gillis]

Well, there's an Internet hound. Oh. Search things up.

[Mark Normand]

Does it work?

[Shane Gillis]

Okay, sometimes. What works?

[Joe List]

Like those, like, find local single girls.

[Mark Normand]

You can find girls on Reddit.

[Chris Distefano]

God damn, man.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right. It's like the new Craigslist, kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. These kids. Mary's like 48.

[Joe List]

These creeps. I meant.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's cool. You did read it.

[Chris Distefano]

I had it work out one time. You know the numbers that you call and you can, like, talk to a lady. I was able to convince her. I was like, well, we should meet up. And I ended up meeting up with her.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. She didn't look anything.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you think he looked like what you described?

[Chris Distefano]

Six.

[Joe List]

Six Latino. Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

She looked like.

[Chris Distefano]

Anyway, I don't know if you can handle this.

[Mark Normand]

She's been sitting in a dark room saying dirty words into a phone for 40 years.

[Joe List]

Yeah. What do you think? She's the hottest girl in the world.

[Shane Gillis]

What?

[Mark Normand]

Where'd you meet?

[Chris Distefano]

I met at her place.

[Sean Gardini]

What?

[Chris Distefano]

This was in hearing you come up the steps. It was the.

[Joe List]

He stopped at a landing. He's just breathing heavy.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no way.

[Joe List]

What the.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, guys. Prizepix is the best place to get real money sports action. With over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings, Prizepix has made daily fantasy sports accessible to all. You just pick more or less on at least two players for a shot to win up to 1000 times your cash. Run your game all season long on Prize Picks. Prizepix invented the Flex play, which means you can still cash out even if your lineup isn't perfect. You can double your money even if one of your picks doesn't hit. Sign up today and get $50 instantly when you play $5. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Prize Picks is the best way to win real money this basketball season. Which players are going off. Which ones aren't? Make your picks in less than 60 seconds and turn your sports opinions into real money all season long on price picks. Personal experience. Love it. I love turning my sports opinion into real money all season long. My favorite thing. Guys, download the prize picks app today. Sorry, just got off the flu. Guys, download the Prizepix app today and use code drenched to get fifty dollars instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code drenched on the prize picks app to get $50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Price picks run your game. Hey, and just like that, guys, don't forget we also do stand up comedy. All right? I know you guys love the pod. Don't forget you can come check us out a show. Dude, by the way, just got my haircut just like that. Now you guys are going God damn that guys, go. I'll run down the list. Go to shanemgillis.com I know he's got a couple shows coming up. Manchester, England. Man, that's going to be a big one. Go to Manchester. You hear that, you British. You guys go to Manchester and go check out, you know, go check out all those shows. I'll also be in the comedy Castle Royal Oak, Michigan and it's in danger of selling out. So I'm not just saying that. It's true. Funny Bone Omaha. We could use some tickets there. Not gonna lie. Laugh out Loud Comedy Club, San Antonio, Texas. Cobbs Comedy Club, Suck on my Cobb in San Francisco, California. Crest Theater, Sacramento, California. We'll see how that goes. Then the Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington. And I have a couple other dates coming up. But you know, I, I, we'll see. But yeah, go on a. Go on and get yourself some tickets.

[Sean Gardini]

Pardon the interruption. Hello everybody, this is Sean Guardini. I just wanted to let you know that I'll be doing stand up comedy in Las Vegas, Nevada at Wise Guys Comedy Club this Friday, February 28th and Saturday, March 1st, me and Nate Marshall will be at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Las Vegas, Nevada. Please come if you can. Tickets are at Sean Gardini.com Please for the love of God, come if you can and go see La Mer Lee on the road as well this weekend in Cincinnati, Pennsylvania and a lot of other places. Tickets are available at lamarlee. Fun and Optimum Noctis is next week, Tuesday, March 4th at the Creek in the Cave. Please come Sean Gardini.com Sean Gardini.com Sean gardini.com Please come. There'll be fun shows and that's a Gardini guarantee. Thank you. Pardon the interruption.

[Shane Gillis]

Can you tell the story of going through the yoga ball or the exercise ball? This is.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that. This one was pretty bad, too.

[Shane Gillis]

I think about this story constantly, but hold.

[Chris Distefano]

This chick, she lived in the Thomas Jefferson houses in the Bronx. Trunks. And I went up there and it was. It was a bad. There was just a dude sleeping on her couch and her kids were there. And we went in the room. I stayed overnight. It was bad. There were so many roaches in there. And I just seen this documentary about roaches crawling in somebody's ear and screaming.

[Joe List]

And I was, sweet life you were living at the time.

[Chris Distefano]

I was so bugged out and the kids were so sweet. And I remember, like, we were in there, we hooked up.

[Shane Gillis]

Jesus Christ.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I was. I thought for like a week that this was a sign from God that I was supposed to, like, marry this woman and save her and the kids. I just never talked to her again. But for a couple of days I really thought, like, I had like a sign from God. But I remember she's like, let's get the kids out of the house or whatever. And they were like, can we go to the store? Or whatever. I'm like, yeah. And I had like, you know, a couple twenties on me. Then the dude on the couch comes in, he's like, oh, can I grab something too? Just gave him a 20. And then they came back with like Chinese food or something and we all ate as a family.

[Mark Normand]

That's awesome.

[Chris Distefano]

And then watched Kung Fu Hustle and went to sleep and I slept with toilet paper in my ears because I didn't want the roaches to crawl.

[Joe List]

Jiboner.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Shane Gillis]

On the Chinese food run, you bang.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, on the Chinese food run.

[Mark Normand]

And then that is similar, like, horrific horny story. When I, like, I remember I was at a strip club, met a stripper. Whole thing changed numbers. I'm like, yes, I could finally date a stripper. This would be so sick. And I went to her house and there was just a nine month old infant there. And I was like, all right. Like, I think we might have kissed.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's a good kiss, though.

[Mark Normand]

You just dip her the pacifier and sweet and sour McDonald's sauce and put it in the baby's mouth. And I was like, dude, this is dark.

[Chris Distefano]

Holy.

[Mark Normand]

And then there were. There were trans prostitutes above. She was. She told me this. And they were like making a ruckus up there. It was. They were up there banging around. She was like, yeah, dude, like, they'll set up shop in the hallway. I'll just hear like, dong, dong, dong against the door and open up. And one of them was getting piped out in the hallway. We get up, get upstairs, you guys. And like, shut the up. It was rugged, man. That's when you get a taste and you're like, I'm gonna scale it back.

[Joe List]

Not about that life.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, not at all.

[Chris Distefano]

The Yoga Ball story. I was living in a studio apartment in Queens. This is towards the end of my first run in New York before I moved home to Philly and did comedy. I was doing a lot of blow. My brother had, like, got engaged and moved out of the apartment that we lived. And I was by myself and it was bad. I was working at this place, I was doing blow. And maybe like six months in, it was like a nice little apartment on the first floor, just been redone, had all stuff in there. I was making a go of it. I got bedbugs. And I had to throw out everything in my apartment, Every single thing in my apartment. So I had a blow up mattress that was like my bed, like in the corner. Like I had like a comforter and shit on this thing after I cleaned it all up. And my. I had a yoga ball for my computer where I would fucking sit there, do blow, jerk off, all that kind of stuff. You know, the norm. And I had this hooker over there one night and I was smoking. You know, we're watching porn, obviously, and all that kind of stuff.

[Joe List]

Obviously, obviously that's what you do when you get a hooker.

[Chris Distefano]

And I was smoking a cigarette and I was. I was naked and I was probably covered in like olive oil or Vaseline or something. Completely naked.

[Mark Normand]

You were ready for sex.

[Joe List]

And I go in the oven at 350 for an hour, poke some holes in them and let him sweat, baby.

[Chris Distefano]

Now you just want to heat him up. He's fully. And I just put my cigarette down and it popped the yoga ball. And I just. And I remember she started laughing at me and she had like a deviated septum. She was like, like just snorting and laughing at me. And man, I'm sorry about that.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the funny. I mean, sitting there bouncing, smoking a cigarette, just oiled up, naked.

[Joe List]

You're at the tire, as cool as you could be at that moment. Hooker, you're all having a blast. And then boom.

[Mark Normand]

On the floor, the little pin that holds the air in. Fly out. Or did you blow it out?

[Chris Distefano]

Blow.

[Shane Gillis]

He claims it was the cigarette. There's obviously it Was not the cigarette.

[Chris Distefano]

There's a weight issue.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I wasn't this big.

[Joe List]

Dude. This is so recent. This size.

[Shane Gillis]

But how big were you? Like you were still.

[Chris Distefano]

Maybe. Maybe 250.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

All right. That could pop. 250 ain't doing yoga.

[Chris Distefano]

Bounce up and down on goddamn Chinese made yoga balls. Yeah, I was.

[Shane Gillis]

There's no way it was the cigarette.

[Chris Distefano]

No, I think it went down and like. And popped because it blew up like from the burn hole.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Joe List]

I never thought.

[Shane Gillis]

I believe you.

[Joe List]

No, no, I don't believe him, but I've never thought about it. But he lies about everything. It was for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

How's it gonna land on a.

[Chris Distefano]

Maybe rolled over a safety pin or something like that.

[Joe List]

Sniper. The next building took them out.

[Mark Normand]

It's probably the hooker's fault, honestly.

[Shane Gillis]

It was definitely.

[Chris Distefano]

I had some jacks sprinkled on the floor. That's right. I had a set of spike strips in the house.

[Mark Normand]

I forgot that's why you're spiked brass knuckles you were playing with at the.

[Chris Distefano]

Same time I was showing my butterfly knife. Yeah, pretty cool.

[Shane Gillis]

Did you fall flat on your bed like that?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, right on my ass. I remember my toxic bone was sore for like two weeks after that. Dude. It's like a gun went off. It was like four in the morning and I was real paranoid because I was on the first floor in the lobby and I had two doors. Like I had two doors that entered my apartment. And like I get so cooked up. I'd be like listening to doors to see if anybody was in there. I was sketched out. You want to take the romance out of the room? Papa yoga bowl covered in olive oil.

[Joe List]

Issues, man.

[Chris Distefano]

I had real dry skin. I'm a freak, man.

[Joe List]

You're on Reddit.

[Mark Normand]

You're getting.

[Chris Distefano]

What are you talking about?

[Shane Gillis]

He's gonna dish out.

[Chris Distefano]

You've never been covered. You've never been covered in PAM spray before. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Did you ever get a newer massage.

[Chris Distefano]

And what a new roo. A new rule when a lady like.

[Mark Normand]

Greases herself up and just slides herself across you?

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Have you. There's a porn category that I know.

[Joe List]

And it's kind of oddly catches my eye but doesn't fully get.

[Mark Normand]

I got one in real life and it was just like an older kind of drug addled lady just laid on me for a while in a motel. I was just sitting like a shitty like highway motel being like, okay, I'm good on this now.

[Chris Distefano]

She came to you.

[Mark Normand]

I went there.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, it was at a motel.

[Mark Normand]

It's like a Side of the highway, outdoor motel.

[Chris Distefano]

So it wasn't really a spa per se.

[Joe List]

They typically do it on like an air mattress for like.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, this is just on the blanket.

[Shane Gillis]

Ruining a blanket with old lady oil.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it just ruined the bed.

[Chris Distefano]

You're not gonna get your deposit back, lady.

[Mark Normand]

It was underwhelming. I thought they built it up so much on the video, in the movies. And then I was like, it was just like a very up lady. I had to run her to Rite Aid afterwards.

[Joe List]

For what?

[Mark Normand]

She had to like go buy supplies. She had to buy like hooker supplies. She's like, can you give me a ride to Rite Aid? And I was like, yeah, fine. Hop in. Dropped her off.

[Chris Distefano]

Grab me some Cheez its. When you're in there, will you grab me a Whitman sampler?

[Shane Gillis]

The Rite Aid trip after. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I had a weird pride where I like, I really prided myself back then on being able to like really chop it up with prostitutes. I'm like, no, we can like chill and talk.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Is that a big thing for you? Prostitutes?

[Mark Normand]

I took a. Yeah, I had a period. I took it. I took it. This is like, I felt really nice to like sit there and just like once all the business was handled to just sit and chat.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It's kind of business.

[Mark Normand]

Well, yeah. Once we settled our affairs.

[Joe List]

Contracts were signed.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Like Swiss businessman. Once you get done talking business, you can talk about.

[Shane Gillis]

That must be just insane. Like, I'm sure the post not clarity for most guys is like, holy, what am I doing in this motel?

[Chris Distefano]

Nah. But when you got a cool one.

[Shane Gillis]

Your post, your post notes, like, you need a ride.

[Chris Distefano]

They were cool. Like the cool ones were cool as. Yeah, like they got it like, yeah. You could hang out with them and shoot the somewhere chill.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And you just kind of. It's really tempting to be like, can I just be like a guy? Should I just like be a security guy for you or something? Because you do want to get into it. You're like, dude, I could just hang out in shitty motels. What are we going to freebase cocaine? I guess I've never done that before. I guess I could do that.

[Shane Gillis]

See where this.

[Joe List]

Go get your supplies. Could be your guy, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

Even Rite Aid with a thing of tinfoil and baby oil. Big night, huh? I remember when the, Remember when the, the pharmacies, they started getting the freak aisle. They didn't have that.

[Mark Normand]

Condoms. Family planning. Now they call condoms lube wild.

[Chris Distefano]

The condoms. The heat up lube and all that.

[Mark Normand]

Me and my wife had A meeting. I'm gonna use Astro Glide and her in the butt. It's family planning. That's a family. That's the family planning aisle. We've had a long talk.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. We really thought things through, and we're ready to try a ring.

[Chris Distefano]

They sell rings in cvs.

[Joe List]

That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

No way. It's like. It's just a lube. It's lube. Condoms and then.

[Joe List]

No, they have the vibrating.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like a vibration.

[Joe List]

Pregnant. Unless she comes.

[Chris Distefano]

You know, it's right next to the dental floss.

[Mark Normand]

True.

[Chris Distefano]

Dang.

[Mark Normand]

I gotta bust one. I gotta bust out of vibrating cockering. I haven't.

[Shane Gillis]

It's been a while.

[Mark Normand]

It's been a.

[Shane Gillis]

It's been a while since I.

[Mark Normand]

Possibly a decade.

[Shane Gillis]

I've. You've used one?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, for sure.

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

I thought we were joking. How'd it go?

[Mark Normand]

It's pretty amazing.

[Shane Gillis]

Probably made you wait.

[Chris Distefano]

It's down right away, down at the shaft, shaking.

[Mark Normand]

It just goes down there and buzzes.

[Joe List]

I mean, it seems like it makes sense, right?

[Mark Normand]

Dude, it's. If you want to feel like an all star. Yeah. It's just.

[Shane Gillis]

Huh?

[Mark Normand]

Your dick just becomes a. Dare I say. A little vibrator.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So it's just like. It's just on the bottom every time you get all the way in. Rather than them being like, they're going, oh, what's that?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's the. Instead of them going, that's it. Huh.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know. I think my dick's too small for that. My balls. My balls would be going back and forth like one of those things on a desk. I wouldn't be a good look.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you do. There. There is like a. If you lose. Yeah. They're definitely not one size fits all. So, like, if you get. If you lose any hardness, if that thing starts wobbling around, you just gotta, like, pinch the. You just gotta give it a little twist and be like, yep, we're so good. Oh, it's filling this thing.

[Chris Distefano]

The upbringing's too big for you.

[Joe List]

You got to do a dry run by yourself. For sure.

[Shane Gillis]

You break it out and it's too big. You gotta go, you know what?

[Chris Distefano]

Let's not use this.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta beat off. You gotta beat off with it. First. You have to just test it out.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure. You guys did dry runs back in the day. You did dry runs with condoms before the first. Like, before you started having sex?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

That's called a dress rehearsal, right?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. So they were fun. Yeah, I enjoyed those.

[Joe List]

That was great. You get Your hand. You get your hands on like a Lifestyles or something, man.

[Mark Normand]

Gotta use it.

[Shane Gillis]

It's good stuff.

[Mark Normand]

No mess either. Yeah, that was. Yeah. That was almost instinctual. If you see economy, you're gonna like the first con we see you use it to beat off. Kind of.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

At least I did. I was just like.

[Joe List]

I did it a good amount more than I probably.

[Mark Normand]

I entered an adult phase. I entered like an embarrassing adult phase. I'm just joking.

[Shane Gillis]

Don't feel bad for a second, bro.

[Chris Distefano]

Wait, what?

[Joe List]

What ate me?

[Shane Gillis]

Don't worry about it, Kev.

[Joe List]

I might get back in the day.

[Chris Distefano]

McCuskey was a little freaking.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Late. Late 20s, early 30s.

[Shane Gillis]

That's why he's like, I'm off porn.

[Mark Normand]

I remember they were like. Yeah. I remember there for like. Just like. If it was like a, like period thing or like.

[Shane Gillis]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

Before, like, there was like pill issues. Like, if you're on the pill, off, like. Well, I have condoms just in case. I remember at one point they were just gone. Like, what the. And I was like, I beat off. I genuinely did. Like, oh, my God, you must be doing so. I was like, no, I feel like, beat off in the bathroom.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like on a Tuesday afternoon.

[Shane Gillis]

It was.

[Joe List]

It just took forever.

[Shane Gillis]

I remember my parents found a condom in my bedroom. And it was after I had just all my guy friends sleep over.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

And they were like, what the.

[Chris Distefano]

It's all these jobs, Mom.

[Shane Gillis]

I was jacking off protected gay sex with one of my buddies.

[Mark Normand]

We were just mutually masturbating.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Condom in the room is.

[Mark Normand]

That's devastating.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Although you. You. You know, if it's like young kids, it's like people have.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I was like a senior in high school.

[Mark Normand]

That's borderline still. It's still. It's like someone had that thing on them. It's not like you. I wouldn't jump. Like, my son was a five man butt.

[Shane Gillis]

No, but I mean, there was no women.

[Mark Normand]

Sure. True. Kids have them on them. Like, we were in high school. I remember you keep like a lifestyles in your wallet.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

It's gonna be sick.

[Shane Gillis]

No, it was. It was used.

[Mark Normand]

It was. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not like they found the rapper. It was a condom. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Wait, so whose was it?

[Mark Normand]

It was me.

[Shane Gillis]

I was jacking off. I. Oh, all right.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't know that.

[Shane Gillis]

No. They didn't find a Conor. Like, my gay son used Conor after an all dude sleepover. They're like, what the happened?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, man.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, yeah, my friend Jared used It just immediately blamed the friend.

[Mark Normand]

That's wildly upsetting.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh say I was like, maybe it's kind of sus.

[Shane Gillis]

But I, I don't realize.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. You should have like completely. Yeah, Jared did it and then someone else licked the rappers. I tried to tell him to stop. They were all just having sex with each other, doing.

[Joe List]

I told him, my mom's gonna find this and get me. Very bad.

[Chris Distefano]

It's a piece of gum on the tip of it.

[Mark Normand]

Did they say, did your mom confront you or your dad?

[Shane Gillis]

My dad.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, what did he say?

[Shane Gillis]

He's like, what the hell's going on up there? He's like, I think you left something on the floor in your bedroom. Get up there. I was like, oh my God, it's a condom.

[Chris Distefano]

So what, you put it on, jerked off and it slung it to the side in your parents house.

[Shane Gillis]

It was bedtime.

[Joe List]

I had to get my eight hours.

[Shane Gillis]

Of course, obviously I'm talking about it now 20 years later, I'm still thinking about that mistake.

[Joe List]

What more did you have? Important that that like fell to the third thing on the list.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the whole beauty.

[Mark Normand]

That was also. That's a cp. That's an early cp.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a CP right out.

[Mark Normand]

That's an early cream pie.

[Chris Distefano]

Take it off for sure.

[Mark Normand]

Coming to a condom is kind of intense. As a young man, I remember thinking.

[Joe List]

About it like, what's it gonna do? When it happened, like, what's it gonna. I was just like, I was baffled by it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[Mark Normand]

See a little. I remember seeing a little tip and being like, fill that thing up, no problem.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't really.

[Chris Distefano]

When I first saw one, I, I never thought that's what it was going to look like. I thought it had like straps. I didn't understand what it was and when I saw it I was like, man, that's a great design. It's just a thin. If I would have been research and development on condoms, we'd be 30 years.

[Shane Gillis]

Behind to be using lambskins.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, remember those?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Somebody used to have a good job. I think it was the Apollo had a good joke about that. A land stamp skin condominium. Then you'd fuck the girl and the whole room would smell like a gyro.

[Mark Normand]

His straps are so fucking.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that's what I thought. I thought it was like, like foam and went around and it couldn't click in my brain that it was supposed to catch the stuff coming out. I thought it was like a knee brace, like a lineman would wear like, something like that. I thought it was a Don Joy.

[Mark Normand]

It was orthopedic. Yeah, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I knew we were gonna talk about common jacking off.

[Mark Normand]

I know, I know.

[Chris Distefano]

Did your parents ever catch it? Having sex in the house with anybody?

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Mark Normand]

I got caught sucking boobs in, like, seventh grade.

[Chris Distefano]

Really?

[Joe List]

That's pretty cool, though, that age.

[Mark Normand]

My dad walked down in his underwear, and he's like, whoa, Jesus Christ. And I just. I had like, a flyer's jacket unzipped and open, just going. Dad went, oh, God. And just walked. He just left. Left.

[Chris Distefano]

Who was this bruiser wearing a fire starter jacket?

[Joe List]

That's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Did you pick her up outside the Spectrum?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, she was an 8th grader.

[Shane Gillis]

Not a big deal.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, whatever, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Finally we can brag about it. Yeah. It was an 8th grader's boobs I was sucking on. I hope no one clips this.

[Chris Distefano]

I like how you did it like that, too. Opened it up.

[Mark Normand]

Took a while. Man. Watching a movie. Slowly. Watching Jurassic Park. Slowly. Just like, time.

[Chris Distefano]

A long zipper.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All the way. Zip down. It was a full zip down. Yeah. Just threw a pullover. I mean, crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a good snap.

[Mark Normand]

Popping a titty out of the top.

[Chris Distefano]

Sounds back to a few good men.

[Mark Normand]

Someone's done it before. Someone sucked titties under a starter jacket before. I'm sure for sure those things, dude, that was like. That made your whole year back then. Like, what starter jacket you got? Ah, I had the Miami Hurricanes. I thought that was like, a sick logo.

[Joe List]

I had a 76ers. Loved it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The Orlando Magic.

[Shane Gillis]

For some reason, I had Orlando Magic.

[Mark Normand]

Shaq was big.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

The Charlotte. Who? If you saw a kid in Philly wearing Charlotte, that I. Kid was a dirt bag. That was a broken home for sure. It's funny you got that at Foreman Mills or something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Now you feel the obligation. You got to stick to your teams. But. But for a while, it was, like, very fashionable to have, like. You could have, like, an Atlanta Hawks hat or.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, we were basically black people at that point.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

I saw a dude wearing the NBA jeans the other day in my neighborhood. All the patches on them. I was like, dude, remember? Then they had all the patches. It was like Lloyd Banks used to.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, God damn, he busted them back out.

[Joe List]

I don't. Maybe still wearing them.

[Shane Gillis]

Loves the league.

[Mark Normand]

True. Yeah.

[Joe List]

Just loves.

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe no particular team.

[Joe List]

Just crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

What's the team?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I learned. I was on Kill Tony a couple months ago, and I. I saw there. There was a black gentleman performing and his jeans were, like, almost all torn, like, all holes. And that was. That was kind of like the latest iteration I'd seen.

[Joe List]

I was a big jerk. I was a big jersey and matching fitted kid and very heavily influenced by G Unit.

[Shane Gillis]

Junior got me, too. That was.

[Joe List]

How could you not? That was like. Yeah, he came in like a tornado.

[Mark Normand]

I know. I always wanted. I never got one of his, like, G Unit wife beaters.

[Joe List]

Those things are wild.

[Mark Normand]

Those things are so.

[Chris Distefano]

I couldn't wear a basketball jersey. No matter. Even as in shape as I ever was, I could not wear a. I just looked bad in them. I look like I work for the Joker. Like, it was just like. I like proper henchmen. It was just not a good look.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I used to dudes that could pull those off. It was great. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Wear them at the beach. That's. That's what. It's.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

That's a pro fat guy move.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

You're like, I'm.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm not.

[Joe List]

I don't have a shirt on. I just really like the team.

[Chris Distefano]

I made a promise to myself a long time ago, as fat as I was, I was a kid. I'm not going to be the kid wearing the T shirt. So I would take the off before we got to the pool and be like, this is. This is me.

[Mark Normand]

Let's roll. Everyone wears shirts now. Everyone wears the SPF shirts.

[Chris Distefano]

It's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It's pretty nuts.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Those are nice.

[Mark Normand]

They are kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

I enjoy wearing those.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I had one in the pool.

[Shane Gillis]

A con man was hitting me with those. He was wearing them first when we were at the beach, and I was like, you look like a dumbass. They bought me one. I was like, these are sick.

[Mark Normand]

You don't put sunscreen on at all. All you got to do is just hit your nose.

[Joe List]

Yeah. All the kids have one. I just went. I tried my shirt once in a pool, and then you don't think. You get out your son. You lie. You're like this. It was navy blue, too. So it's not even like.

[Chris Distefano]

He'S in there in a button down.

[Joe List]

And I got out. And then it's like, you're. Then your shirt's wet. I didn't have a next, so I'm just like. Then you have to either take it off out of the pool, which is worse than in the pool, or just hang out.

[Mark Normand]

Come off. You're just like, brutal. Yeah. The shirt in the pool is crazy, man. Especially just being wet. Like you were saying after you're done, you're just so, so uncomfortable.

[Shane Gillis]

It's uncomfortable to swim in.

[Mark Normand]

That's what I'm saying.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You might like spread out a little while you're swimming. Look like an octopus.

[Chris Distefano]

That's ass gonna get dunked. The fat kid wearing the shirt. That's easy pickings. You're going under.

[Joe List]

Brutal. Look, I had the thought process too of like, no one will know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

No one's gonna believe that it's fat. It is. Because I burn easily.

[Shane Gillis]

Adults are like, look at that fat kid.

[Joe List]

I know.

[Shane Gillis]

Somebody dunk him.

[Joe List]

I might. My dad, I was a fat. I was a real fat kid growing up. My dad was a fat kid too. And so he just like looked at me and he's like, knock it all like, he was like so devastated that I was also a fat kid.

[Shane Gillis]

I learned it from you. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Getting called out by your parents or late night snacking. Yeah, My mom still does that. She'll be up, she'll be in bed at like 8:30. And if we stay at the house, I'm down there rummaging through. How you going down there?

[Joe List]

You're rummaging grizzly bear food in a bear bag.

[Shane Gillis]

I hang it outside from a tree. He's out there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. My mom would just tell me, she's like, you got fat. Like, she'll just like look at me and be like, you put on a lot of weight. You look kind of fat. They're vicious with that just doesn't mince words. She like, yeah, you, you're getting a little hefty there.

[Joe List]

I get that. You look good. And I'm like, I'm about to die. Like I'll come off the road for like two weeks. My head's like this big. She's like, you look good. Meanwhile, like, I had to go to the hospital recently because my insides hurt. Came back, said it was probably a muscle. I rolled with it for sure. Thought I was dying.

[Mark Normand]

Happens.

[Joe List]

Trying to turn it all around though.

[Mark Normand]

This 2025 is everyone turns around. Possibly, possibly 2026, but definitely maybe 28. 28.

[Shane Gillis]

I know is going to be good.

[Mark Normand]

Well, we're going to slide into probably a golden age, like as a country in 2028. Probably.

[Chris Distefano]

Nah, that I'm going the other way.

[Mark Normand]

You think it's going to be doom.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Really.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm riding it out.

[Joe List]

He was worried about the asteroid this morning. I'm praying he's like, is this thing going to hit us or not? What are you doing in your room, man? This is brutal. Conversation at nine for it.

[Chris Distefano]

That sucks. We got to wait till 2032 till this thing to hit us.

[Mark Normand]

It's 2032.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what they said. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Are we going to use all of our missiles to blow it up?

[Chris Distefano]

Can't deflect it. It's past the point of deflection, they said so. I don't know what they're going to do. I think they're just going to ride it out wherever it hits, deal with it.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, why can't they blow it up into a bunch of pieces?

[Joe List]

Armageddon, this thing. That's what I'm saying on the horn.

[Chris Distefano]

I read something that it's too far past where we'd be able to hit it or something like that. That I also have no idea. I'm getting this from Instagram. I don't know what the. I'm talking about. What the. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I feel like you. I mean, if it's still in outer space, can't we just send nukes into outer space?

[Chris Distefano]

I don't think that. I think that don't work. That thing's cooking. That's like 28, 000 miles a second bounce right off of it. Especially if it's like iron or something like that.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Just heats it up and it hits us harder.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Makes it angry.

[Mark Normand]

Just pisses it.

[Joe List]

Now you're all in big trouble.

[Chris Distefano]

Gets bigger.

[Mark Normand]

I wonder who it's gonna hit, because it's gonna all depend on the way the Earth's turning.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

How big is it? How big?

[Chris Distefano]

If it even hits us. Yeah, that ain't gonna hit us.

[Mark Normand]

They're. They're just doing the asteroid fear cycle.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So they get me with the plane cycle.

[Joe List]

Dude, we're in bad shape right now.

[Shane Gillis]

God damn. And all of a sudden, that's a.

[Chris Distefano]

Flight that any of us could have been on. Minneapolis to Toronto.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, dude, I know.

[Chris Distefano]

Everybody lived, though. So I don't know if the pilot's a hero or a dumbass. Everybody walked away.

[Mark Normand]

Even flipped out. It was like the miracle in the Hudson on ground. He just flipped it over.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It reminds me of Kings of Tupelo when he's like, they call me a. And a dumbass. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

How the. Did it flip? He was just going a little too fast.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't know if they hit the right. If he overshot the Runway, but it looks like he hit. Hits the right engine, immediately catches on fire. So he, like, bounced, and then it just flipped over. But as it flipped over, those wings came right off.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So. And it was on fire. But everybody inside Was cool. They got out.

[Shane Gillis]

Everybody got out.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But I always take my seatbelt off early, and I think about that all the time before we land, before landing. I do it every now and again. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I'll be like, second we touch the ground, I snap that thing off.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'll take it off. I'll just. If they don't remind me to put it back. Back on, I'll just. My dream is to surf the flight. To stand in the aisle and surf a landing.

[Shane Gillis]

That'd be nice.

[Mark Normand]

That would be decent.

[Shane Gillis]

But if you're. The seat belt, if you're not wearing it, you'd be the one death, you know, embarrassing.

[Mark Normand]

That's what I'm saying. If it flips over, I'm like.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought about that.

[Mark Normand]

I'm like, dude, this flipped. I would fall. That'd be a hard fall to the ceiling.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I would be done. I'd probably take out the lady next.

[Joe List]

To me and in front and behind.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Shane Gillis]

All of the 88 passengers, 87 unscathed. One guy dead.

[Mark Normand]

Here's the thing.

[Joe List]

One guy trying to be cool.

[Shane Gillis]

Dumbass exploded.

[Joe List]

Now just jump the other way.

[Mark Normand]

But if flip. Then they're all on the ceiling in their seat belts. And then you got to do that thing upside down and try.

[Shane Gillis]

Surprised. Nobody got wrapped.

[Chris Distefano]

That would be so far in my gut that I wouldn't be able to get it out. I would definitely have in my pants, too. Oh, yeah, that would suck.

[Shane Gillis]

I saw one guy, though. There's footage of people getting out, and the guy grabs a lady's butt. There's a part of me that was.

[Joe List]

Like, I think he has to get him up.

[Shane Gillis]

I know, but.

[Joe List]

But he grabs her ass.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. On the way.

[Joe List]

As she's. He gets her on the turn. So it's not even like the push. It's like he's guiding. He guides her in, and then he hoink.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he gives her a little hoink.

[Mark Normand]

Little bowling action.

[Joe List]

I'm pretty sure that guy was not straight, though.

[Chris Distefano]

We crunched those.

[Joe List]

Male flight attendant. Asian male flight attendant, if we're being precise.

[Mark Normand]

Little male cheer. He probably hasn't done this, like, male cheerleading in a while.

[Chris Distefano]

We've crunched those numbers. It's been like four months. Where every week, every couple of weeks, it's something them.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Chris Distefano]

If you. If you go globally, I mean, South.

[Shane Gillis]

Korea, they had like, Asia's going nuts. Asia's been going nuts, though.

[Chris Distefano]

Nuts.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Those airlines.

[Chris Distefano]

Crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm never going over there.

[Chris Distefano]

That video. See the video? The one last year? The Guy, he's filming himself. The one that went into the gorge pretty quick. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Is it just Korean Airlines that like all Asian airlines have been acting up?

[Shane Gillis]

I think they typically act up over there.

[Mark Normand]

You think?

[Joe List]

That's a funny way to call it.

[Chris Distefano]

Malaysia.

[Joe List]

As they plummet to the ground. You boys act up out there.

[Chris Distefano]

Really playing a fool over there, wouldn't you think?

[Mark Normand]

They have that kind of all unlocked though.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude. You would think. South Korea. Everything's probably tight. Meticulous.

[Mark Normand]

That's what I'm saying.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean it might be.

[Mark Normand]

It might be an operator issue.

[Shane Gillis]

Therein lies the problem.

[Chris Distefano]

It's bad.

[Shane Gillis]

Some ting Wong.

[Joe List]

Oh man. We were just talking about. Funniest thing to ever happen to the world.

[Chris Distefano]

So up.

[Shane Gillis]

Something something wong. We too low. And that was like bing bow ow. Or like it was like something about.

[Joe List]

The crash, like the noise or something.

[Chris Distefano]

I wonder who did that. We were talking this morning. It was probably like an intern or something like that that snuck that in there.

[Mark Normand]

That's so.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, that guy should have got a writing job somewhere.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Didn't the one just straight up disappear one time too? Yeah, it was disappeared.

[Shane Gillis]

We too low. Holy bang ding owl. We too low. Bing ding.

[Mark Normand]

With a Malaysian airline. Everyone thinks they went in the ocean. What if they went into outer space?

[Joe List]

Whoa. That. That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

We never even.

[Shane Gillis]

You're onto something.

[Joe List]

Stop the asteroid.

[Mark Normand]

Why? Exactly.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe that's what they're doing. Maybe we're gonna find out. 2032 Malaysian Airlines.

[Chris Distefano]

How pissed would you be? You're on a vacation. That's how they pull you like.

[Shane Gillis]

Like what, the outer space? Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Six pairs of underwear with me.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd be furious.

[Chris Distefano]

How you bring enough Nexium. I'm gonna have wicked heartburn up there.

[Joe List]

He's brutal to travel with. Constantly needs to do laundry.

[Shane Gillis]

And the OIC burp on a plane. Oh, I think about. I think about that all the time.

[Joe List]

I thought the toilet was broken. Cuz we got all the guys. Like it's not really flushing right? And we were in the front row. So I'm like, God damn it smells like. I'm like. I'm like, this is the whole flight. I'm gonna. Dude. Then we get down here, we're out front of the mother. This is like last year. We're out front of the mothership. We see people like, yo, are you garbage? Like, so we're like talking to them. Smells like sewage out there. I just think that's 6th Street. You know what I mean? And it's just like A three weeks after mothership open, we're sitting at the bar having a beer before our spots, and I'm like, the plumbing in this place too. What the. The three places I had been with them in a row. I'm like, the sewage. God damn. And he goes, you smell that? I go, how the. Can't you. He's like, that's me. And I was like. And then he's like, do you think the fans smelled that? I was like, for sure.

[Chris Distefano]

Septic tank put in me.

[Joe List]

The only good thing is no one would ever think that's human. So, like, no one's ever gonna go, that's Foley. They're like, there's a sword.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, when we were talking to those.

[Joe List]

Guys, that's external influence. That's environmental.

[Mark Normand]

That's a real thing. That Ozempic burps.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I had it so bad.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, because some people, the. They don't get the side effects that bad. We're talking to Mike Eaton hosted the other night, and he was. He was saying that.

[Shane Gillis]

Was that the kid getting him.

[Joe List]

We had host the show at the pop up show at the creek was doing street Ozempic. He gets it from, like, a guy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Chris Distefano]

But he said he doesn't have problems with it. I know people that didn't have problems with her. I had it so bad. We're like. Would just. It just stops your stomach.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So my. Would just sit in there and fester. Like, the sarlacc pit just bubbling up. And. Dude, it would. The burps were so bad.

[Joe List]

We burps were worse than the fall parts, which is crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Chris Distefano]

I had a real bad. Me and my wife flew to Greece, and we came back, and I got jammed up at customs, and it was like an hour and a half line, and it was like every 30 seconds, I was, like, trying to do the.

[Joe List]

Fat girl blow out the sword.

[Chris Distefano]

I would hear. I started to hear the people behind me go, what the. So I started. What? Every time I would do it, I'd go, the hell? What the. You guys, that's crazy.

[Joe List]

Someone got some bad meat in their bag or something.

[Chris Distefano]

It sucked. Oh, my God. The only one that ever smelled it was Ari. He was the only one brave enough. I was like, you're the only one I can ask this to. Do you want to smell one? He's like, yeah, go ahead. Hey, you don't want any more of it. You don't want the smoke. It's like rotten eggs, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Dragon.

[Chris Distefano]

A proper dragon's breath.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it Sucks.

[Shane Gillis]

And you were in line for. What was that?

[Chris Distefano]

Doer Customs.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, my God. I would have killed myself if somebody was burping. Customs line is maybe my least favorite place. When you landed, JFK just Afghanistan Airlines just got off next to you. It's coming off worse than I want it to, but you know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

You should have lifted. Listed like. And Australia's those dudes.

[Chris Distefano]

I do get mad when the. When the international line's moving faster than the American line.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The are we doing here?

[Joe List]

It's like I pay my taxes type. Really?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

It gets you in the gut.

[Chris Distefano]

But we were only moving in small increments, so I couldn't even, like, do it.

[Shane Gillis]

You couldn't get away?

[Chris Distefano]

No. Bad. Had to keep that up for an hour and a half sipping a ginger ale, praying it would go away.

[Shane Gillis]

Get some carbonation in there. Get those burps. Really kill this.

[Mark Normand]

Get that real ginger in there just floating around.

[Joe List]

Yeah, but when you would take care. When you. That was like. When you were off. You were coming off of two weeks in Greece, so you were eating like a mania diet. When he would stay on top of it, it was a little better. But when, like, on the road, it was just. We'd be in a minivan, and you're like, dude, we got to pull over. Smells like one of those old cars that smells like sulfur.

[Mark Normand]

You know what I mean?

[Chris Distefano]

The. The farts were even worse.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Chris Distefano]

You wouldn't know what it was. A burp is crazy. It was. And they were, like, long and hot and just. It's like a gas leak.

[Joe List]

He. His pants on the tour bus.

[Mark Normand]

That happens oic. It slows up your whole digestive system. So, like, everything just moves so slow.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And how. How much could you eat on that? Would it. Did it, like, slow you down big time.

[Chris Distefano]

Me or.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you.

[Chris Distefano]

I could. I would press through it. I probably should have stayed on. The Japanese say, you eat till you're 80 full.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

If I was maybe doing that, I would have been all right. But I would. I would push through it because at.

[Joe List]

The time, his Japanese neighbor says it's not all of the Japanese.

[Chris Distefano]

It's called something in Japanese.

[Mark Normand]

Japanese. The Japanese neighbor.

[Chris Distefano]

But.

[Mark Normand]

It wouldn't.

[Chris Distefano]

It wouldn't hit until later, so I, like, wouldn't realize how full I was to, like a couple minutes after I ate. Yeah, they're gonna be bad. And it would just sit there. Just feel it in your stomach. Just like. It was like having a crock pot down there. Just slow cooking, set it and Forget it. Bad news is coming. My girl hated it.

[Joe List]

Imagine having to sleep with that. Dude, that's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

How to get real defensive embedded on my C popper. Like, what do you want me to do?

[Mark Normand]

This is my weight loss journey.

[Joe List]

Up to a machine keeping you alive.

[Mark Normand]

Fighting with a mask, taking it off.

[Shane Gillis]

Like reptiles.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, if I. If I burped into my seatbelt, you.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the funniest ever.

[Mark Normand]

Did you burp into the machine at all?

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, dude, that would. I. That would wake me up in the middle of the night.

[Joe List]

Like, what the hot boxing himself be.

[Chris Distefano]

Like punching out of an F16.

[Shane Gillis]

Just like under the covers must have been nuts. The covers must have been trapped.

[Mark Normand]

The flavor just seven passengers of a cruise die.

[Chris Distefano]

I remember one night she got up in the middle of the night and was like. I woke up and she was. Was standing at the end of the bed. What are you doing? I'm getting healthy.

[Mark Normand]

I'm doing this for you.

[Shane Gillis]

Poor lady. I really wish I could have been a part of one of these burps. I know I don't, but I just.

[Joe List]

It smelled like. It smelled.

[Shane Gillis]

I think about the oic burps and going through a medicine ball every.

[Mark Normand]

All the time.

[Shane Gillis]

I think about this every day, dude. The foliating O on a plane. Oh, just. I'd be so mad if I was on the plane.

[Chris Distefano]

Because sometimes when there the noise of the plane and the air moving around, you can get away with murder up there.

[Shane Gillis]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Can you really?

[Chris Distefano]

Can you let one. You build it up and you got.

[Joe List]

Your own fan for sure.

[Mark Normand]

You can hit the aisle. You can hit the directional dead giveaways.

[Chris Distefano]

When you're moving the fan around. But yeah, you do that one little test to see if it smells and if it's all right. Plus you got the seat, all that stuff, you know, could be anything, man. Sometimes you're just like, yeah, wives.

[Mark Normand]

I will say my wife punishes me when I fart on a plane. She goes, it was that you. If. If I had far, I'll laugh. I can't not laugh hysterically. If I did fart and someone smells it. So I'll be like, dude, shut the up.

[Chris Distefano]

Dude, shut the up. Yeah, it's like, well, you're blowing up my spot.

[Mark Normand]

Why would you do this?

[Joe List]

I feel like it doesn't get that far though.

[Shane Gillis]

Doesn't. But when you see it hit someone, it's the funniest. You see like a guy reading the paper like. Like.

[Chris Distefano]

Folds of crisp Wall Street Journal.

[Mark Normand]

Me and Butterly were on a plane once And a little boy in front of us. Anytime either of us farted, he would turn around and go. He would hit him. He would. You see his face in the gap at the seas be. He thought it was like the funniest thing in the world. It was.

[Shane Gillis]

It is the funniest thing in the world.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh.

[Mark Normand]

So you would see his face.

[Shane Gillis]

That would have been me if I was a guy. If somebody was behind me farting like that, I'd be like, I would have been delighted.

[Chris Distefano]

That was a real one.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, and he would, like, say it to his parents. He'd be like, I think they farted again. They make stop. That was so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Bastard.

[Mark Normand]

That was so funny.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

God damn, dude. Hot day.

[Shane Gillis]

Good podcast.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Hilarious, dude. You guys are the best.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Guys rules.

[Chris Distefano]

We love you.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah. Because you don't have anything to promote, right?

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Route 66. Route 66 special wasn't on our YouTube page. Check it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So we did. We.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

We did this whole big tour from Chicago to la or any of the.

[Shane Gillis]

Burps and farts featured in this.

[Joe List]

He. Some. We have him his pants on, like.

[Chris Distefano]

Five different oz epic problems the whole time. But we filmed all the shows. We filmed everything. Everything on the bus and all stuff. And we put it all together. Connor. Connor directed it, shot it and edited the whole thing. And we think it came out great. We think it's something different, something fun. So we're excited.

[Shane Gillis]

When's it coming out?

[Chris Distefano]

Route 66 comes out February 25th.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Where's it coming out?

[Joe List]

YouTube channel.

[Chris Distefano]

YouTube.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Nice.

[Chris Distefano]

So whenever this comes out, it could be there. It'll be coming out very soon.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Chris Distefano]

We're excited.

[Mark Normand]

It's going to be awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

It is very good. Check it out.