Ep 556 - Spud Sucker

Summary

Episode 556 - "Spud Sucker" Summary

Podcast: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Release Date: April 24, 2025
Episode Title: "Spud Sucker"

In Episode 556 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast," hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis dive into a whirlwind of topics ranging from celebrity scandals and movie critiques to personal anecdotes and cultural commentary. This episode is packed with humor, insightful discussions, and the dynamic chemistry that Matt and Shane are known for. Below is a detailed summary capturing the key points, notable discussions, insights, and conclusions from the episode.

---

1. Opening Banter and Shannon's Scandal

The episode begins with Matt and Shane exchanging humorous remarks about the chaotic week they've experienced. Their conversation quickly shifts to discussing a figure named Shannon, who appears to be embroiled in a scandal involving sex tape releases.

• Shannon's Video Release:
  Shane Gillis (00:14): "The funniest thing to me about Shae Shay defending himself was being like, you only have a 30 second video release. The full 10 minutes."

• Matt's Take on Shannon:
  Matt suggests that Shannon's actions stem from a long-standing pursuit of what he humorously refers to as a "male sex award," highlighting Shannon's exaggerated portrayal of masculinity.

• Quote:
  Matt McCusker (02:00): "He's always talking about his dom game. It's a dangerous world."

2. Movie Review: "Sinners" – A Blend of Horror and Racial Themes

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to dissecting the newly released movie "Sinners," which features Irish vampires targeting Black individuals to steal their musical souls, thereby taking control of the rock and roll scene.

• Plot Overview:
  Shane provides a synopsis, likening it to a fusion of "Dusk till Dawn" with Django Unchained, and notes Michael B. Jordan's dual role as himself and his twin brother.

• Quote:
  Shane Gillis (04:04): "It's about evil Irish vampires attacking black people to steal their souls in music. To steal the rock and roll."

• Racial Representation Critique:
  The hosts critically analyze the film's portrayal of race, discussing the strategic depiction of white Irish characters as antagonists and the implications of such narratives in contemporary media.

• Quote:
  Matt McCusker (05:11): "Do you think it's strategic at all? Because they're really pushing..."

3. Racial Stereotypes and Evolution in Media

Matt and Shane delve deeper into the topic of racial representation in films and television, contrasting past stereotypes with more recent, positive portrayals of Black characters.

• Historical Context:
  They discuss how historically, Black individuals were often cast in villainous roles or as sidekicks, whereas modern media increasingly positions them as central heroes.

• Quote:
  Shane Gillis (11:40): "Black people just like stop being this is the first like Irish vampire movie. Like black people just stop being portrayed as bad guys necessarily all the time."

4. Personal Anecdotes: The Zip Line Incident

Matt shares a humorous yet harrowing story about an accident he had while zip-lining during an Airbnb stay. His vivid description of the fall and subsequent injuries adds a personal touch to the episode.

• Accident Details:
  Matt recounts jumping off a six-foot-high zip line, disconnecting mid-air, and landing on moss, which resulted in elbow and neck injuries.

• Quote:
  Matt McCusker (54:00): "I just jumped off like 6ft high and then land on my ass and then smash my elbow. I did heal up."

5. Reptile and Pet Stories

Shane and Matt transition into lighter topics, sharing amusing stories about their experiences with various reptiles and pets, including baby corn snakes and bearded dragons. Their playful banter highlights the challenges and humorous moments of pet ownership.

• Reptile Humor:
  They discuss the antics of their reptile pets, adding humorous commentary on the interactions between the animals and their families.

• Quote:
  Shane Gillis (63:15): "I might use that Tonight with my woman. I might use that Tonight with my woman..."

6. Gender and Sexual Humor

Throughout the episode, Matt and Shane weave in sexual innuendos and jokes, particularly around the playful metaphor of "spud sucking," which serves as a recurring humorous theme between them.

• Sexual Banter:
  The hosts engage in light-hearted sexual humor, maintaining their signature comedic style while discussing personal and exaggerated scenarios.

• Quote:
  Matt McCusker (15:22): "It's just me, you're a machine. You are a complete machine."

7. Cultural Commentary and Pop Culture References

The duo also touches on various current events and pop culture phenomena, including mentions of UFC events, political figures, and media representations, all infused with their characteristic humor and witty insights.

• UFC and Political Figures:
  Shane comments on Trump’s appearances and the behavior of political figures in media, blending humor with subtle critiques.

• Quote:
  Shane Gillis (24:24): "I watched just a video today of... it's the Blue Origin mission to find. Get like trash from Earth and send it into outer space."

8. Closing Remarks and Promotions

As the episode nears its end, Matt and Shane briefly promote their upcoming shows and events. However, these segments are succinct and maintain the episode's overall entertaining tone without detracting from the main content discussed.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Shane Gillis (00:14): "The funniest thing to me about Shae Shay defending himself was being like, you only have a 30 second video release. The full 10 minutes."

2. Shane Gillis (04:04): "It's about evil Irish vampires attacking black people to steal their souls in music. To steal the rock and roll."

3. Shane Gillis (11:40): "Black people just like stop being this is the first like Irish vampire movie. Like black people just stop being portrayed as bad guys necessarily all the time."

4. Matt McCusker (15:22): "It's just me, you're a machine. You are a complete machine."

5. Matt McCusker (54:00): "I just jumped off like 6ft high and then land on my ass and then smash my elbow. I did heal up."

6. Shane Gillis (63:15): "I might use that Tonight with my woman. I might use that Tonight with my woman..."

---

Conclusion

Episode 556 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" offers listeners a blend of sharp humor, candid discussions, and entertaining storytelling. From dissecting the racial undertones of the movie "Sinners" to sharing personal mishaps and humorous pet stories, Matt and Shane maintain an engaging and lively conversation throughout the episode. Their ability to intertwine serious commentary with light-hearted banter makes this episode both thought-provoking and entertaining, embodying why this podcast stands out as one of the funniest in its genre.

Transcript

[Shane Gillis]

Wild, wild west.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

What a man. What a little. What a week.

[Shane Gillis]

What a crazy week.

[Matt McCusker]

What a absolutely crazy week.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll say this about Shannon.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The funniest thing to me about Shae Shay defending himself was being like, you only have a 30 second video release. The full 10 minutes. It's like he's like, I didn't for 30 seconds. I fought for 10 minutes. The whole sex day bout.

[Matt McCusker]

He's. He's on a mission for like some male sex award. He's always. He's been talking about this for years. Like, I'm a deep sea fisherman. I plumb to depths. He's like always talking about his dom game.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a dangerous world. Eventually you get caught up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man, you gotta, you gotta. You know, dude, I was reading a.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the high seas.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

You know what I mean? You can't be deep sea fisherman.

[Matt McCusker]

You can't be, man. It's got to be. You know, he's too old for that, dude. I read it like, you don't like articles now? They include Internet comments. One of them I was reading on the Root. Did you ever read that publication? Yeah, the Root. That's usually. Yeah, it's a lot of. It's like clickbaity stuff. But one of the.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, it gets me something back, by the way.

[Matt McCusker]

You're back.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll let you finish. I'm back though. I'm back in my right way. Saw Sinners last night. I'm back, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

The funniest takes, one of them was, you know, you have like the whole situation going on and then it's like one of the top takes was like, no way. Like a BM will allow a WW to talk to him this way. Never allow a BW to talk. It's like just someone was pissed being like they'd never let a black woman talk.

[Shane Gillis]

They're using Gerbie's terms.

[Matt McCusker]

BMS will let BW wws talk to them however they want, but they'll never let a BW talk to them like that. And it's like, dude, that's your takeaway on this?

[Shane Gillis]

I. I haven't looked into any. Anything about it at all.

[Matt McCusker]

One of the.

[Shane Gillis]

Then I just saw a little bit of.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Shannon defending himself. But at least it just cracked me up being like, it wasn't 30 seconds, dude. Yeah, it was 10 minutes or.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we're just be. Also like, release the full.

[Shane Gillis]

We can all relate to that.

[Matt McCusker]

At least a full tape. It's like, bro, come on, man. He wants tape I mean, I get. I get it. If you're painting in the corner, that's a bad corner to be painted in.

[Shane Gillis]

But it's all calling one of the girls on ESPN a who. Yeah, who called. No one's saying about Shannon. Sharp's out here putting out sex tapes. What'd Skip get fired for? He was being a horny ass. Oh, yeah. I saw Skip do that debate about LeBron. He looked like he was gonna get gang banged.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened?

[Shane Gillis]

Did that. He just did a. Like a. One of those things where you sit down and people argue with you versus, like 25 people. Yeah, it was like LeBron versus Jordan. But it started. He was like, I'm skipping. I'm gonna. And there's just a bunch of dudes stand. It looked nuts. These people are out. They're bonkers.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I don't understand the need for like, that level of discourse where it's like having two people have a conversation is not enough. I need to see somebody. Verse 25. It's a fetish.

[Shane Gillis]

It's fully porn.

[Matt McCusker]

It's literally. Yes, Bukaki. Yeah, it's literally buk.

[Shane Gillis]

By the way, we've all been there. I'd like to see her take on more than just one guy. Let's see what 25 looks like. I wish I hadn't done that. I'm not the man I thought I was.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they did. Someone said that was an ancestral dragon, like a dragging for, like, you know, for Sharp messing around with these snow bunnies. Leave them. Leave them buddies alone, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

You need to see sinners.

[Matt McCusker]

Doctor. Dr. Umar needs to worry about his own house, man.

[Shane Gillis]

You need to see. Sorry, I don't speak about another man. Don't talk about him. Dude, he'll get you.

[Matt McCusker]

Let him, bro. He defends.

[Shane Gillis]

He defends Shannon, but on one condition. That he leaves them snow bunnies alone from now on.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what he said.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta leave the snow bunnies alone.

[Matt McCusker]

Got it, bro. Especially that guy. No, Nate.

[Shane Gillis]

Nate. Big no for me. I'd like you to leave the snow bunnies alone. That's something me and Dr. Umar can agree on. I. I got. I got triggered last night, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened?

[Shane Gillis]

Saw Sinners. It's.

[Matt McCusker]

What's it about?

[Shane Gillis]

It's about evil Irish vampires attacking black people to steal their souls in music. To steal the rock and roll.

[Matt McCusker]

What was this on?

[Shane Gillis]

It's a huge movie, obviously. 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. Obviously.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

No, the movie does rule. It was. It was a very good movie.

[Matt McCusker]

Irish vampires.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it kind of Hyped me up. One point they sang Rocky Road to Dublin. Outside of the. It was. I mean, it was. It's basically Dusk till Dawn with Django. There's a Django scene. There's a Django scene. You'll. You'll see when you see it.

[Matt McCusker]

Where does it take place?

[Shane Gillis]

You're never gonna guess. Jim Crow. Mississippi, 19. You're never gonna guess. One of our proudest moments.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, there's running back the hits.

[Shane Gillis]

They just running back the big time hits. No, it was. The movie was good, but again it was. I'm working on not being able to. Not getting triggered by race baiting. But that's not. The movie was good.

[Matt McCusker]

It was a good movie.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it was good.

[Matt McCusker]

But why were they fucking Irish vampires?

[Shane Gillis]

The evil white vampires did kind of piss me off. And the only white people in the movie were evil nasty folks. Dang. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you think it's strategic at all? Because there. The people make that argument a lot.

[Shane Gillis]

Obviously it's strategic. Well, I'm saying right now, Native Americans and Asians into the good side.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

So is everybody against the Hawks? Dude, the honks were outside going.

[Matt McCusker]

So the. The 1800s, Asians were like, hey, my black brother.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that.

[Matt McCusker]

They still don't do that. Dude, it's 2025. It's 2025.

[Shane Gillis]

It's. I.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened to that communities or they fell apart, I don't know. But I guess they had it figured out back then.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a thing in the Delta, I guess Mississippi, where Asians did go there and due to Jim Crow laws, opened bodegas and yeah, to be like, you guys can.

[Matt McCusker]

Middleman, minority.

[Shane Gillis]

That's.

[Matt McCusker]

That's their whole thing.

[Shane Gillis]

And they did that, I guess back then. I don't know how prevalent it was that it needed to be in the movie. I don't know how many Choctaw Indians were running around in 1930. But you know, it. There's vampires. So what was.

[Matt McCusker]

What was it? What was the vibe in like the.

[Shane Gillis]

The vibe in the theater?

[Matt McCusker]

No, the vibe you went to the theater and watched.

[Shane Gillis]

I saw last night.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

Yep. I was one of the few honks.

[Matt McCusker]

Talking about in the. In the bodega.

[Shane Gillis]

Whenever they'd make a point in the movie, I'd hear a lot of. And it didn't piss me off until I got on. Yeah, well, actually I almost was standing up going, I. If you look into the actual history. I don't know. I don't know. What do I know? You never been there, fires you. I wish it did the only thing that bothers me. It's not that movie. It's just that that's how people get their history.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what they think was real. Like, always. No, not the Irish vampire, but like, I got on Twitter and someone was like, that's why black people don't have welcome mats to let vampires in. That's just old Mississippi voodoo. There you go. Yep. For sure. Every single thing we do today was from that.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

I think that was just one dumb person. But you know what the.

[Matt McCusker]

The welcome match are you talking about?

[Shane Gillis]

It's about vampires not letting them into your house.

[Matt McCusker]

Does that let a vampire enter? If you have a welcome mat, like, technically, you welcome me into your house.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I guess.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. You'll see the movie does. Michael B. Jordan rules.

[Matt McCusker]

He rules in it.

[Shane Gillis]

He rules. And he plays a twin brother as he plays himself twice, which normally I hate. Yeah, he did a great job.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, he professor.

[Shane Gillis]

He nutty Professor Doubt. And it was pretty good.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

I was. When they told me he was playing his brother, I was like, oh, that sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And I saw it and I was like, man, he's pretty.

[Matt McCusker]

He did a good job. Dang, he's cool.

[Shane Gillis]

I hope he kills all the white devils.

[Matt McCusker]

And he got them.

[Shane Gillis]

He did get the white devils.

[Matt McCusker]

How do you. How do you kill. What do you shove, like a potato in their heart? How do you kill a potato?

[Shane Gillis]

Dad, they want to suck your potatoes. They're trying to get in there. Give me your spots. I know you've got spuds in there. Let me in. I'd like to suck your spots. I know you're keeping the spuds back there. Let me in there. Our music scenes were sick and. Yeah, you'll see. Whatever. I'm complimenting a lot because I got frustrated. You too. You're gonna love. You guys are going to. Really looking forward to seeing it. Actually, I would love it. They need. Let's get a white movie.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, you think you get sick of the story after a while? What do you mean?

[Shane Gillis]

Let's get a white movie where we kill all the other races. Oh, you can't do that. Why you guys do every single fucking time.

[Matt McCusker]

We used to do it. We had those.

[Shane Gillis]

I know. They were a big hit. Swear to God. I think they showed Birth of a Nation at the White House.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Remake Song of the South.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

For the playoffs.

[Matt McCusker]

Who do you have winning at all?

[Shane Gillis]

I have. I'd like to see the Lakers win it all. I like what they're up to and I usually don't like the Lakers, but I. I'm enjoying. I'd like. I'd like to see Lena Donkic and LeBron Jones.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. Some particular players. I'm glad you mentioned some.

[Shane Gillis]

I will mention a particular player. LeBron James.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I hope you want to see him just.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd like to see him do great.

[Matt McCusker]

How many more. How many more seasons do you think he has?

[Shane Gillis]

If he wins here, this. You know, this could be it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

But he's doing great. He's having a great year. Bit of a renaissance.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

Holy hell.

[Matt McCusker]

Now it's 2000. I mean, this week on prospects, I. I'm trying to think who I'm going to go with. I think. What about Nikola Jokic for more than 25 points?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Matt McCusker]

That's my pick.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna go Shay Gildrich. Alexandra. I don't know how to say his name really. Shay Gildris Alexander. He's the man you'd like. Okc. They're a fun team.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I actually heard the brakes off of the Grizzlies.

[Matt McCusker]

Did they really?

[Shane Gillis]

They're killing them.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

Every game. It's two games. But good guys. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Beautiful.

[Shane Gillis]

First game was by like 50. What was over. I turned it on. They were down 50. I was like, this is out of control.

[Matt McCusker]

Jesus.

[Shane Gillis]

So I would just pick a random player from the true and say more or more. More.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

You heard our picks.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

That's nuts.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

Run your game.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. I mean you guys were the bad guys.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys are some bad guys for. Yeah, they had a good run of being. Not really.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, yeah, they were portrayed pretty flatly in one dimensionally for a while in.

[Shane Gillis]

The early, early 90s, early 20th century, early 90s.

[Matt McCusker]

They were hits though. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Black people just like stop being. This is the first like Irish vampire movie. Like black people just stop being portrayed as bad guys necessarily all the time. I don't remember them being a bad guy in a movie in the last 30 years since I've been there.

[Matt McCusker]

A bad guy in the movie.

[Shane Gillis]

They're still like the star in a movie.

[Matt McCusker]

Like Training.

[Shane Gillis]

Like Denzel.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Training Day or I guess John Q.

[Shane Gillis]

He was kind of the bad guy.

[Matt McCusker]

It's always Denzel.

[Shane Gillis]

Denzel being a hero.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, Denzel being kind of a hero. I guess. I guess it was more the Russians were the bad.

[Shane Gillis]

Russians have been bad for since 1980.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like you could. There's got to be some black bad guy movies or maybe they just portrayed like thug henchmen all the time. I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

Thug henchmen are always white. It's like a fucking home alarm system commercial.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

It's always two white guys breaking into your house like, give me your potatoes.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe I'm just thinking maybe I might. I might just be thinking of the News in the 90s. That might be the news. News was great.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a horse of a different color.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe in movies mixed up with the news.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, movies since I've been alive now I will say they did hit black people with cool black friend sidekick. Yeah, for a while. Yeah. Which. Come on man, we're trying.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I'm going right now.

[Shane Gillis]

This is the honks trying their best movies. Now it's white friend sidekick in black movies.

[Matt McCusker]

That's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

We've switched. Yeah, I watched G20. You guys are going to love that. What's G20? Oh, come on, man. It's the. It's the best film.

[Matt McCusker]

What's G20?

[Shane Gillis]

It's Michelle Obama biopic.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

No, it's not. It's not. It's Viola Davis plays a kick ass war hero that becomes president and saves everyone's life. Saves time to save the whole world again.

[Matt McCusker]

It's good.

[Shane Gillis]

It's good. It's awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

What's it based on?

[Shane Gillis]

You're based on evil white guys break in to try to kill the coolest Black lady and the. The coolest black husband and their kids.

[Matt McCusker]

Enough, enough, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

It's very good. Enough, enough. I've had it up to here. Dang.

[Matt McCusker]

Meanwhile, UN is sweating around. It's the unp apocalypse, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

It's all the unpocalypse.

[Matt McCusker]

Kanye. Kanye has unaws right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Kanye might be a vampire. He sucked his cousin. He wanted to suck his cousin.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I love how they're like, he allegedly sucked his. It's like he said it himself. I mean, it could be.

[Shane Gillis]

It could be. Yeah. Just. Just chatting. But that one seems. That's a tough one to put on yourself.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the weirdest troll.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And I, like. I was like, maybe the song. I listened to the song. I'm like, this is so disturbing, dude, because Blizz tricked me. Blizz. Like, the song is actually pretty good. And I was like, how could that. And I listened to it. I'm like, no, this is not. This is making me feel weird. I'm on an airplane right now, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't listen to the song yet.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just him in auto tune being like, I suck my cousin's dick. It's crazy, dude. It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

He says that in the song, I think, oh, this song rules.

[Matt McCusker]

I gave my cousin head. That's.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I gave my cousin.

[Matt McCusker]

I gave my cousin head. It's crazy, dude. It's.

[Shane Gillis]

He sound like Big Daddy Mark. I love Big Daddy Mark.

[Matt McCusker]

Too bad. You know who you call Nate? Dog's not around to be like, I'll gave my cousin here.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, be good.

[Matt McCusker]

The hook master.

[Shane Gillis]

Suck his dick every day.

[Matt McCusker]

That could have been the summer banger, dude. We were talking.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, we need that. Instead, we got cousins. Is that what it's called? Cousins?

[Matt McCusker]

Cousins.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the summer banger sucking cousin. Yeah, they could be playing that.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's just I'm. I'm rarely disturbed. And I was like, yep, you got me, man. I'm. I'm genuinely disturbed and whacked out listening to this. This is a crazy admission. And, like, maybe he's just really purging everything.

[Shane Gillis]

He probably saw a white lotus.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

He's probably like, I could do that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. That is his pulse on the culture. He's got the pulse of the culture, man. Yeah, that was Nate.

[Shane Gillis]

Are you skinny? Do you lose some weight?

[Matt McCusker]

I. I haven't been drinking as much.

[Shane Gillis]

And I've been in the gym.

[Matt McCusker]

I might have lost a little.

[Shane Gillis]

You lost a lot of weight. You're trying to. You're trying to avoid After UN Got in trouble. You're trying to distance yourself.

[Matt McCusker]

Try this.

[Shane Gillis]

No. You're trying to leave the ANK sphere. I'm not trying. I would never leave the un. You. You're still in the uncle sphere. I. I don't think I can leave it. I think I'm too dug in now.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Although you might. You know, there's a lot of snow bunnies not taking up right now. It might. Snow bunny's up for grabs right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Bunny season.

[Matt McCusker]

UNC had himself a little rabbit hutch, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

He did.

[Matt McCusker]

He had a little way. His wa. He does kind of talk like he does. Poor unk dude. I mean, Stephen A. Smith played the fence pretty well. He's just like, we're looking seriously, very. He got like real into the hierarchy of espn. He goes, I'm authorized to say that right now by the higher ups. He's like, there's. There's levels to this. There's people even higher than me in espn. They're telling me. I can tell you this. Yeah, they're looking into it.

[Shane Gillis]

Very, very. It goes all the way to the top. This goes to the very curb street goes all the way to the top. Lee Corso said we could do it.

[Matt McCusker]

He said I could be very vague about this.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode is brought to you by True Classic.

[Matt McCusker]

The number of times I've ordered what I thought were easy basics and gotten just terrible fitting. Terrible fitting, crappy quality stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

When I'm shopping for clothes, I'm honestly just looking for quality stuff that I can wear across a whole day. Work, gym, whatever.

[Matt McCusker]

And that's why we like True Classic. Yep. True Classic makes premium clothes at affordable prices for all seasons.

[Shane Gillis]

Their shirts, for example, really nicely accentuate all the good areas, like your arms and chest, while giving that midsection some breathing room.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

Just go to our exclusive [e-mail] MSSP to save.

[Matt McCusker]

That's TrueClassic.com MSSP shop now and elevate your wardrobe today. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, we'll see.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man. I mean, dude, it's like, hopefully it's.

[Shane Gillis]

All fabrication, you know, I Mean, they.

[Matt McCusker]

Have the phone call, which, again, it's like I was listening to it, being like, damn, bro, you're walking right into this.

[Shane Gillis]

The phone call was the one you just played where he said, black eye chokes white girl. No, no, no, that was a goof.

[Matt McCusker]

There's. Yeah, no, there was a legit one.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm with Shayjay on that, but that's all I heard.

[Matt McCusker]

She was like, I don't know how I feel about this. And he's like, stop. She was like, stop manipulating me, because if you say that word one more time, I'm going to choke the shit out you. And he goes. And she's like, you think I want that? He goes, I know you want that. It was kind of like, damn, uncle, you stop me. It's so damn sexual. He's so freaky, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's just me, a freak, boy.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what it was like. I don't know if it was some weird BDSM play.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, you're not allowed to say you're going to choke someone on the phone.

[Matt McCusker]

I think you can, unless they are suing you in court for saying assaulting them. That's. You know, that gun. Yeah, that gun for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

Get a Wesley web squee wabbit in front of 12 of my peers.

[Matt McCusker]

So, yeah, it's. You know, we'll see. I mean, if he releases, that's going to be crazy to sit in court and watch.

[Shane Gillis]

Just read those texts.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, just getting freaky, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

That might be. Not his. I was gonna say that's everybody's nightmare. Uncle might be like, yeah, that's what I do.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

He already got caught up with the audio recording, which kind of. That was bizarre. The live stream. Yeah, my bad. The audio live stream. And now he's like. He's just so hot. It's like, dude, just start doing porn, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, this is way off topic. But saying how bizarre reminded me of. I've definitely said it on here before. Bob Lazar on Joe rogan with the UFOs. It's going. Bob Lazar. I was out in Area 51. Bob Lazar. Anyway.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, there's more, dude. Apparently also, Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo are beefing. Dong Lemon and Chris Cuomo are beefing, right? They were brothers, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

They literally said, I love you every day. I watched it every day during the peaceful.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm glad you're sitting down. I'm glad you're sitting down right now.

[Shane Gillis]

That was fake.

[Matt McCusker]

It was fake, bro. According to Chris Cuomo it was fake.

[Shane Gillis]

He was the one leading it. I watched it every night. Cuomo was overly like, I love you, brother. We're gonna get through this. Don Lemon was always the one that was kind of like, all right, I love you too, bud.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, according to Cuomo, he's coming out being like, that was all. Dude, that was all fake as hell.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm signing with Dong.

[Matt McCusker]

You're signing with Dong?

[Shane Gillis]

I never thought I'd say maybe sinners changed me. I'm signing with Dong. I'm signing with UNC O.J. simpson. I'm back in the spirit of an innocent man.

[Matt McCusker]

Drew. No, he's. Yeah, he's saying it was all fake. And because he didn't. Dong didn't have his back. When Chris Cuomo's brother.

[Shane Gillis]

This is all allegedly.

[Matt McCusker]

It's very messy.

[Shane Gillis]

Everything's very messy. Everything.

[Matt McCusker]

Alleged. Huge. Alleged. Over the whole thing. Quotes. Everything. Quotes in italics.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. We legally speak bold print quotes in parentheses. Sick. Whatever that means.

[Matt McCusker]

Etc. Period. Yeah. So the situation, if you don't recall the situation at hand, was Chris Cuomo's.

[Shane Gillis]

Brother grabbed ass in an Italian way.

[Matt McCusker]

Grabbed ass. Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

But that's Italica.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. He.

[Shane Gillis]

Sweet the lemon cello, but Don.

[Matt McCusker]

Lemo don't have his back. Who? Also an alleged hot dog snatcher.

[Shane Gillis]

Hot dog snatch. So, no, he had a hot dog snatch, allegedly. At the Hamptons. He allegedly hot dog snatched.

[Matt McCusker]

Capital of hot dog snatching.

[Shane Gillis]

I would imagine a major. It was one of a great hot dog offense. One of the old time. What, he's selling hot dogs.

[Matt McCusker]

Great snatch. A hot dog at a bar. Allegedly.

[Shane Gillis]

So you think your brother.

[Matt McCusker]

They were podcasters. To be fair. They were fellow podcasters. And I think what happened was it was floated.

[Shane Gillis]

People like, all, great podcast, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

They flew too high. They exploded.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly. But they were floating. The idea of him and Dong doing the podcast together, and Chris just spaz and was like, he's not my brother. It was all fake. It was all contrived. It's like, damn, dude. The.

[Shane Gillis]

I watched him do it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It was like night after night.

[Shane Gillis]

I swear to God. Dong was the one going, yeah, all right, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. But I think the beef came when he defended his brother live on air, and Don was like, nah, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Which understandable. Brutus not gonna be like, yeah, I got your back. I'll get your brother's back. Why would you. Why? Like, yeah, it's a tough time to.

[Shane Gillis]

Get your brothers back there.

[Matt McCusker]

I know.

[Shane Gillis]

You just gotta wait a year.

[Matt McCusker]

Cuomo is all about loyalty.

[Shane Gillis]

True. It's the Italian way.

[Matt McCusker]

Very Italian. Loyalties in my blood.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

My brother grabs ass, I grab ass. Allegedly. True double allegedly.

[Shane Gillis]

I wonder if he had dongs back when Dong went through the hot dog scandal.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, he didn't.

[Shane Gillis]

The Great Dog scandal. The Great Sag Harbor Dong scandal.

[Matt McCusker]

A good weenie caper. Classic. The lights went out. They said, who did it?

[Shane Gillis]

The lights went out, who'd done it?

[Matt McCusker]

Somebody grabbed my hot dog in the parlor. What a mystery.

[Shane Gillis]

Night lights came back on. Dong was gone. Oh, it was you, Dong dog. Dong, don't do that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man. Everyone's fighting, man. Just. I just want a little bit of peace, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Just want peace.

[Matt McCusker]

Just a little bit of peace. Oh. I mean, I don't know. Hopefully. I think it'll bounce back. I think it'll be the tapes that's the problem, though. The tape's gonna get leaked, too. There's no way. He also might.

[Shane Gillis]

He wanted it.

[Matt McCusker]

He might.

[Shane Gillis]

He said, leak the tape.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. It's like, I was almost like, stop filming yourself. Stop with the. Stop with the bunnies. But it's also like, he might have to film every encounter he has now.

[Shane Gillis]

She was a wascal. You're saying she was a fine rabbit. She might have been. She might have been baby of the week, if under different circumstances. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

She's a little bunny still. Could be. I don't see.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, I don't want to see that. Your eyes light up like that when you talk about Lola Bunny. I know you want to. Cartoons, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Not all of them. You're not alone.

[Shane Gillis]

He's unbelievably hot. And again, they took it from us. The woke left took that from us. I'm a Jessica Wabbit kind of guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Just. I mean, obviously.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll tell you what, I'm. I'm also back on my lib.

[Matt McCusker]

What's up?

[Shane Gillis]

I watched just a video today of. It was at the UFC when Trump's cabinet was there. And they do that thing where the camera gets in front of you. Every single one of them was like, Trump's cab. All the bros. Marco Rubio was like, it genuinely pissed me off.

[Matt McCusker]

They're drinking that Zucker juice, bro. Why are they all the bros now? They're the bros now.

[Shane Gillis]

They're all acting bros out.

[Matt McCusker]

They are on tv. That's probably just at the fight. Like. Yeah. I didn't know they were broing out.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll show you. It's gonna piss you off. You can't be. You can't Be a Repub after you see this.

[Matt McCusker]

Really? That stuff? He still. Trump still gets the big ovation of the ufc, does he not?

[Shane Gillis]

He disrespected Cheryl Hines too. I don't like.

[Matt McCusker]

I saw that. Yeah. Nice Cheryl.

[Shane Gillis]

Bro. All on. These are the bros. Mark Angam being funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Sick.

[Shane Gillis]

Dion Dawkins. Beast. Yeah. Licks his wife's face.

[Matt McCusker]

Nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Beast.

[Matt McCusker]

Awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

Now RFK keeps it classy.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Politicians should do it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

True uncomfortable waves. Here's the head of the FBI.

[Matt McCusker]

Cash Patel. Gabs. Hang loose. Who's that bull?

[Shane Gillis]

Marco Rubio.

[Matt McCusker]

That's Rubio. He's definitely allegedly on T. Bro. His. Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Our cabinet doing that.

[Matt McCusker]

No. They can't. You got to keep the cabinet locked away. Dude. They should be like supreme courts. They should just be justices. Like.

[Shane Gillis]

I never thought of it. Cash Patel is an Indian in the cupboard. He truly is the FBI director. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What's going on?

[Shane Gillis]

Kidding.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we should all take a step back.

[Shane Gillis]

Man.

[Matt McCusker]

Everyone needs to get back in the.

[Shane Gillis]

Those guys aren't as cool as they think.

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

The libs are probably as gays. They are being accused.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. For sure. But keep it classy.

[Shane Gillis]

RFK did the right thing.

[Matt McCusker]

He did just a. Yeah. Next to his next.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I want to have a politician.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Just. I. Yeah. It was going. They also all did that. That might have been a little.

[Shane Gillis]

I think Patel ruined it because Tulsi's Hawaiian. So that's probably what that was.

[Matt McCusker]

That's her jam.

[Shane Gillis]

And Patel beat her to the punch.

[Matt McCusker]

It's gonna be an ancient Hindu symbol.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know what to do. They do have the best ancient.

[Matt McCusker]

This could be an ancient Hindu symbol. You never know. Yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

That's.

[Matt McCusker]

What, a week.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What's going on with you personally? Going out of the macro level. Let's go back to the micro.

[Shane Gillis]

I had a fun experience. A guy gave my girlfriend his number, like, right in front of me. Which is pretty funny. The hell? But then I got his number. So he left. So I started texting him. I catfished him for a while. As long as I. As long as I could.

[Matt McCusker]

And then I said, you're probably good at it too.

[Shane Gillis]

I was really good. And then I was like, can we hang out tonight? And he was like, I can't hang out tonight, but soon. And I was like, are you awake? And he was like, yeah. I was like, can I at least call you? He was like, yeah. Called him. I go, it's me.

[Matt McCusker]

You dumb.

[Shane Gillis]

You gave my girlfriend your number. Right in Front of me. You dumb. He was like, dude, I didn't know. I'm sorry.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

So that was the other night. That was fun.

[Matt McCusker]

What a beast.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, I respect him too. And he wasn't. I. Now, here's the way I was looking at. Because he wasn't a great looking guy. Yeah, he was kind of an older drunkard, which. He probably saw me with her and was like, it. She'll anyone it. I'll give this thing a shot. Or he thought the discrepancy between me and her was so great that we were just friends sitting there.

[Matt McCusker]

Or he saw you chatting.

[Shane Gillis]

I was sitting with her.

[Matt McCusker]

What the. He's probably an old, drunk, horny devil.

[Shane Gillis]

He was a beast. I'll give him. I'll give him credit for this.

[Matt McCusker]

A lot of old, drunk, horny devils, like, shamelessly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he was. I. I respected it. And then I got. I got my gun. I got an mpx.

[Matt McCusker]

Nice. Perfect timing.

[Shane Gillis]

I got a gun. So that guy can come find out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, if he literally steps in your house, you could. You could catfish him under false premise.

[Shane Gillis]

I know. And say, come over here.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, what the fuck? But shoot him in the back as he runs.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I don't want to make fun of them because the gun is awesome. And they. It was a gift, and it's really cool, but they painted it and it's eagles colors with an eagles logo by the clip. And they gave me a fucking call of Duty. They gave me a Fortnite gun.

[Matt McCusker]

That's.

[Shane Gillis]

And that. It's cool, but, you know, just shoot him. Nate saw it. Me and Nate went and fired it. It's a great gun. Did you get to shoot it? Yeah, it's an awesome gun. It shoots like. It doesn't. You can't miss. Yeah. So it was. It was sick.

[Matt McCusker]

This house.

[Shane Gillis]

That guy's dick. When you were trying to shoot. Wait, what? The target. I was blowing his dick off. Oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It was crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

You can't miss. 20 shots straight to the dick. You literally cannot miss.

[Matt McCusker]

Center grab. That's where you got to go, dude. Right to the center.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's what we were told, too. Yeah. No dick shots. Dick shots are off the table. Turns out that's actually a good place to shoot someone. It's perfect. You got the dick and all these arteries there. And you know, if you shoot, you're shooting a kill, bro. Yeah, but if I discharge my firearm, I'm. I mean, you're going for the dick. I'm trying to dispatch you into the next World for sure. I'm not, you know, I'm not trying to find out he's still in the fight. If he's wounded, I'm going for his teeth. I want to make sure he's not in the fight.

[Matt McCusker]

Take out the sidearm. Yeah, you still get. You gotta get him right in the dick.

[Shane Gillis]

All right, no dick shooting for me.

[Matt McCusker]

No addiction. Even if someone's breaking into your house.

[Shane Gillis]

To just shoot them right in the dick, and you're gonna go, oh, I'm so sorry, dude. I didn't mean to do that to you.

[Matt McCusker]

But you deserved it.

[Shane Gillis]

But I got. Yeah, I got a gun. But they painted it, so it's. It's kind of.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, if you do murder someone defending your home and then the guns, if you just like being the victim of the gunshot wound, they show, like, an eagle's gun on the news. The whole family, like, God damn it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Shot him with the Eagles.

[Shane Gillis]

And they're Cowboys fans because they're. They're going to be down here. They're definitely going to be Cowboys fans, man. How do you feel about that? It's pretty. You like it? You got to do a dance after you kill somebody. Sure. Now I have to.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Or just jump.

[Shane Gillis]

Just.

[Matt McCusker]

Just jump in the corner. Just do, like, in the corner.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah. I hope it doesn't happen.

[Matt McCusker]

I had something like that very early on when me and Britney both, like, came off the apps because there's always those, like, weird. That's that gray period where, like. Did you delete, like, Tinder yet?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you got to delete Tinder.

[Matt McCusker]

And she, like, you know, she had a guy when we were first together, messaged her on Snapchat. She fell asleep. I saw the notification go off. I went, what the. Opened it up. A dude did like, a. Check out my ab shot. And I just responded back. I'm like, dude, what's wrong with your stomach? Closed it out, deleted the message. Like, you dude sent him into a tizzy. Would you have, like, a hernia or something?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I actually felt bad after I catfished the guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Nah, you do the right thing, man. That.

[Shane Gillis]

I hope he knows it was all in good fun.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, was.

[Shane Gillis]

Was pretty. Although I did go get up and look for him immediately. I was like, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

I'd be pissed, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

This episode is brought to you by Amazon. MGM Studios new movie The Accountant 2 in theaters April 25. Ben Affleck and John Bernthal, two absolute legends, are back in action. This time, some dude gets whacked. Leave behind a Puzzle. And Affleck's Christian Wolf has to crunch the numbers to figure out who's behind it. He's also teaming up with his long lost and seriously lethal brother Brax, AKA John Bernthal. These two lethal also surprisingly funny. If you got a brother, you're gonna relate minus, you know, the insane combat skills. Trust me, this is an R rated action thriller that, that you've got to experience on the big screen. The Accountant 2 only in theaters April 25th. Get tickets now at theaccountant2movie.com this episode is brought to you by Shopify. Upgrade your business with Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. Shop pay boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning fewer carts going abandoned and more sales going cha ching. So if you're into growing your business, get a commerce platform that's ready to sell wherever your customers are. Visit shopify.com to upgrade your selling today. I've run into the problem when I would like go to places we went to like some kind of fucking street festival in like South Philly. And like young black dudes will sometimes will see me and just be like, fuck this guy. And just. It's pure, total disrespect. And I just go total white boy crazy every time you have full spaz and they're like, what the fuck, dude, relax me, I thought you look at me. To be fair, they give me. I just saw you're a random old white guy walking next to. To her. What the. You you want to fight right now?

[Shane Gillis]

Now there's. Now they're scared of us.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Now they know we're vampiros.

[Matt McCusker]

Irish vampires are coming to get you. We're taking your music. True. Steal. Your French fries are on the table too.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Grab your fries, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

My taters. I might grab a hot dog. I might break in there and grab a dog if I need to.

[Matt McCusker]

And I would have your back.

[Shane Gillis]

Shoot the dog and then go. I'll say, what are you queer? I grabbed your dick.

[Matt McCusker]

Stop making me grab your dick. Yeah, I'd have your back too. Yeah, I'd have you. I'd fully have your back.

[Shane Gillis]

I know you would. You're not some dong lemon.

[Matt McCusker]

Total familia, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

I also, I do want to say this because people are gonna be gay about me. Talking about sinners, the Irish vampires might have been a little nod to Irish oppression. What happened because that's how they became vampires. They. There's certain people that can play music so good that it communes with the otherworldly and The Irish are one of them.

[Matt McCusker]

So they could play the music.

[Shane Gillis]

There's. Yeah. Rocky road to Dublin. Gets the evil ghouls coming. Just so you know.

[Matt McCusker]

That's so funny. Well, I was saying it's kind of strategic a little bit, because they're really pushing. There's a lot of unrest in Ireland with the immigration, but Ireland's being like, bro, we're bearded. We're literally an oppressed minority being displaced. Or an oppressed, like, country whatever, being displaced. Why can't. Why can't we be cool?

[Shane Gillis]

The problem with Ireland, they better let immigrants in. Yeah, true. The. Have they been up to their whole entire immigrating?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's all they do.

[Shane Gillis]

They go, saved up enough money, I'm.

[Matt McCusker]

Getting the out of here, headed to America.

[Shane Gillis]

I hear they have black potatoes.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, you are entering into an absolute cauldron of overt racism, like an immigrant. Like, I'll go to Ireland. It's like, bro, pick another one, dude. These guys truly don't give a. I was at a comedy show one time, like, a long time ago. It was like an open mic or showcase, and there was, like, Irish immigrants there. And I was with Sid the kid. And as soon as Sid left, he's like, this guy will steal your shoes right off your feet. Be careful. And I'm like, yo, bro, relax, bro. Chill.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I did that in Dublin when I. I did a joke and they. I was like, I brought, like, black football teams. And the whole crowd went, boo. And I was like, yo, yes, we're not allowed to move black people. I know you guys are allowed over here because there's like six of you, but chill, chill.

[Matt McCusker]

We're just having a piss.

[Shane Gillis]

They were having a piss and they knew it was funny and everyone in the room knew it was funny, so everyone was laughing.

[Matt McCusker]

Truly the capital of funny.

[Shane Gillis]

They're the funniest people.

[Matt McCusker]

Funny vamps, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

They're the funniest vampires. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. A rocky road to Dublin.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be nice to host a screening, right?

[Shane Gillis]

Be scared. You're gonna be scared of the Irish after you see this. Rightfully so.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I mean, they're. They are pure spazzes.

[Shane Gillis]

No spaz on you.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they're. They're definite spazzes. I just. I still don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

And have the scariest spazzes. It's.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we've talked about it before. Just the. Through the gritted teeth. Quiet spaz.

[Shane Gillis]

He's been looking at me all night.

[Matt McCusker]

Put the silencer on it to good.

[Shane Gillis]

They do put the silencer on.

[Matt McCusker]

I remember my aunt would do it to my cousin. You can't poop in the basement toilet. It's not for poop. It's not for pooping. It's not for pooping. You keep pooping in the basement toilet. I told you 100 times.

[Shane Gillis]

What was with the plumbing? Cuz we had a toilet like that. Like, don't. In the basement.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm not. It's so conf. I don't know what it is. Cuz that's like. All the plumbing's right there.

[Shane Gillis]

There.

[Matt McCusker]

You think it would like, you know, mash the turds up right into the ground or wherever plumbing goes. But yeah, you. The basement toilet, man. You got to be careful. It's the gravity. I don't know. We got to ask those ladies from the spaceship. They probably understand physics from space.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm back on that too. That fired me up. I'm getting hit with videos of Katy Perry's dumbass.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was. I was I. That was like cracking me up. The defense of it, I was watching Gail King because they got back and they. They thought for real thought would be like, here my heroes.

[Shane Gillis]

They thought was sweet dude came down.

[Matt McCusker]

And literally the whole world was like, shut the up. And they were mad and they were like, well, just for your information, the Blue Origin mission is to find. Get like trash from Earth and send it into outer space. So jokes on you. And we were raising awareness. It's like, bro, Bezos owns a newspaper. He can raise awareness.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

He doesn't have to send.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Could have been in WaPo.

[Matt McCusker]

He could have said, I mean, dude, if he's going to try. Yeah. Or if he's going to like really grab attention. There's other. No offense to them, dude, but there's other babes. It'd be like me going somewhere and being like, we're just raising awareness. They'd be like, yeah, okay, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that could have been. There could have been better babes.

[Matt McCusker]

Better babes.

[Shane Gillis]

Better babes. That's what we wanted.

[Matt McCusker]

Different bunnies, man. They could have grabbed some different bunnies.

[Shane Gillis]

What if they just took the last six babes of the week? Just launched 10 deformed ladies with huge asses.

[Matt McCusker]

But yeah, that's, you know, so that's jokes on us. They're. They're raising awareness about sending trash to outer space.

[Shane Gillis]

It's also like, see how that works?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Send. Send the fucking trash. Then if you guys want to raise awareness, blast trash in outer space. That'd be sick. And although I don't I like, how much trash are you gonna get up into outer space?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It doesn't seem too feasible.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Like a dude. I just. One fucking dumpster.

[Shane Gillis]

We should just keep dumping in the ocean. Fuck it.

[Matt McCusker]

True. Nah, we need to get the dolphin consciousness, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I have dolphin consciousness.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Fully.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you see Gardini sent me a video about dolphin consciousness. It's so good.

[Shane Gillis]

What about. They're. They're a bit of a Kanye. They'll suck their cousins. Dolphins will suck their cousins.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I can't remember exactly what it was.

[Shane Gillis]

But it was very informative.

[Matt McCusker]

It was just a black guy rapping about how, like, we need dolphin consciousness because they can, like, heal us if we approach.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, I thought it was, like, a real thing.

[Matt McCusker]

No, it's just. It was just a sick video of a guy doing a dolphin consciousness rap.

[Shane Gillis]

That is good.

[Matt McCusker]

Just hitting you with just, like, pyramid facts, and it's like, dude. Yeah, so I'm talking.

[Shane Gillis]

What? It's the craziest thing of all time. Well, we're not allowed to say it. You can go ahead.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, there's a lot. There's a lot. Dude, there's. You know, there's a lot about dolphins we don't understand. The brains are just as big as ours.

[Shane Gillis]

Brains are just as big. I think they might be a little bigger.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

All right. Is that why they rape?

[Matt McCusker]

What the. Lamar, we're talking dolphins.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Every animal in the fucking.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. How do you think animals mate? Although there are courting rape guys. Dolphins rape other male dolphins. They all stick their dicks in, like, their blowholes, and.

[Matt McCusker]

And they take the dolphin away before they do it because they know it's bad.

[Shane Gillis]

They know it's a rapist. They know it's rape. Raper.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, the other dolphins will take it away. Or like, they're using their. That's probably their telekinesis. They're like, bro's about to go nuts, bros.

[Shane Gillis]

The dolphins are. They're sly devils. I think there's, like, a lady that lived with dolphins that ended up jacking them off. Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

There's.

[Shane Gillis]

People get a little horny around this.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, there's that whole. Huh?

[Shane Gillis]

The dolphin killed herself because the lady had to leave.

[Matt McCusker]

Really? Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

They found out about her jerking off the dolphin. They reassigned her. And then the dolphin just, like, drowned.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. John Lily, John Lilly got like, that's pretty nice. It's all drowned. The guy, John Lilly was like, he's.

[Shane Gillis]

Just like, I'm not going back up duty. I'm not getting jacked. Off. It's been a week since I got jacked off. I'm staying at the bottom of this tank.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude. There's that dude. John Lilly wrote a whole book. He got a giant grant, I think in the 70s from like the National Institute of Health. I think, like, millions of dollars. And he just did LSD in a float tank and like, with dolphins. And then wrote a book to like. Because he had to like, come up. They're like, give us something. What did you find? He even said he admitted to it. He's like, dude, the first 100 pages of this book are pure nonsense. Then, like, in the last chapter, he wrote about how sick it was to do LSD with dolphins. And they got. They were like, you for.

[Shane Gillis]

That'd be the coolest thing in the world. I know. Until one of them turns on you and bends you over a barrel. Those.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nuts. If you're just like tripping so hard with dolphins. Just like, this is amazing. And then. Yeah, you.

[Shane Gillis]

There was a guy who claimed he would. The same female dolphin, he would swim out and this dolphin. What? I gotta find that. It was a great story. Yeah, it was disgusting. You should be executed. Their sonars. Their sonar heals us.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. That's the other thing.

[Shane Gillis]

And they think they're extraterrestrial.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, dude, 432 hertz stuff. What do we know? What the hell do we know?

[Shane Gillis]

Heal us. Just does.

[Matt McCusker]

Just.

[Shane Gillis]

How come bats don't?

[Matt McCusker]

They might.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, then we need to get to that bridge in Austin. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

We got true.

[Shane Gillis]

Margaret Hal Lovett was a lady who jacked off dolphins.

[Matt McCusker]

Jacked off the Dolphs.

[Shane Gillis]

I think so. Dang. Margaret Lovett.

[Matt McCusker]

I think she was with Lily. I think Lily was. Lily had a sick john. Lily. I get a sick op going.

[Shane Gillis]

How did Peter the dolphin. His name was Peter the dolphin Peter. Oh, Lily was. Yeah, Lily was with her. Was with the jack off.

[Matt McCusker]

He was over. That was his whole operation. The National Institute of Health gave this guy millions of dollars and he had a lady jerking off dolphins. And he was just tripping in a float tank being like, I'm about to figure it out. The dude is a man.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna put it all together in a couple minutes. Hey, jack off Pete again. He's horny.

[Matt McCusker]

That's funny. Like, let. Let's see if Pete can tell you before he's going to come.

[Shane Gillis]

Is she really jerked off dolphin still.

[Matt McCusker]

Alive and she works kids?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, she works at SeaWorld. No, she's like 80 something.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang.

[Shane Gillis]

She was lit she was known for living with and attempting to teach Peter, a bottlenose dolphin, to speak in the 1960s, part of the John C. Lilly Project. She was trying to teach the dolphin to talk.

[Matt McCusker]

They taught the fucking gorilla how to do sign language.

[Shane Gillis]

What the fuck's a dolphin to talk to? Speak. It said speak, not like, communicate.

[Matt McCusker]

I think they make a lot of different noises, so maybe they just figured they'd try it out. That'd been so sick. If a dolphin actually talked, I think.

[Shane Gillis]

She wanted to go, oh, fuck.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they're trying to teach a dolphin. I'm going to bust.

[Shane Gillis]

She did. Eventually, Peter, being an adolescent dolphin, frequently had sexual urges.

[Matt McCusker]

Hold up. She was jerking off a juvenile dolphin. Not cool. Not cool.

[Shane Gillis]

Which disrupted his lessons. And taking Peter to a downstairs pool with two female dolphins proved to be a logistical issue for Lovett. Eventually, Lovett relieved Peter's urges herself, stating, it wasn't sexual on my part. Sensuous, perhaps. It seemed to me that it made the bond closer, not because of the sexual activity, but because of the lack of having to keep taking breaks. And that's how it was.

[Matt McCusker]

You saying jerking them off decreased the amount of breaks? Do you think that would increase the breaks? Little dolphin siestas.

[Shane Gillis]

That's pretty hot. That was part of Peter. It would just become part of what was going on. Like an itch. Just get rid of that scratch and we can be done and move on.

[Matt McCusker]

She's not wrong about that.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I mean. That's the hot part.

[Matt McCusker]

That's. And it's government money well spent.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like that is a piece of knowledge a lot of people need to know. It could just be like, you know, love it.

[Shane Gillis]

Might be the only cool lady on earth. She might be the only one that understands it's just an itch. Just scratch the itch and then we can move on.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just an itch, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Then I'll go to the Charlie XCX concert. I'm not going to the Charlie XCX concert unless you scratch the itch a little.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. You might get a little antsy at the xcx.

[Shane Gillis]

What if I get antsy in my pants?

[Matt McCusker]

XCX only saying, don't care. I love it.

[Shane Gillis]

Love it.

[Matt McCusker]

Jerking dolphins.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I'm love it.

[Matt McCusker]

She's right about that. It's just like, dude, I, I, yeah, I mean, that's. Again, that's been my cause forever. It's like, bro, just, I'm a machine. You are Treat me like a machine.

[Shane Gillis]

You're a complete machine.

[Matt McCusker]

Every three days, I told my babe. I was like, bro, three days passes and you haven't even just gripped me. Something's wrong.

[Shane Gillis]

I need to be great.

[Matt McCusker]

Just check in. Just grip me up.

[Shane Gillis]

Give me the animals.

[Matt McCusker]

How's this?

[Shane Gillis]

And I come to square. Give me a square. Oh, man. Matt, if you know me. Look, guys, if you want to make your mom happy this mother's Day, it's simple. Call her. But if you want to go the extra mile, and you should. It's your mom. Get her an aura digital picture frame and send her some meaningful photos.

[Matt McCusker]

This episode is brought to you by aura frames.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode is brought to you by aura frames.

[Matt McCusker]

We'll snap. We'll just snip it up and send it in there.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, they didn't say when. It has to be read verbatim.

[Matt McCusker]

True. That's true.

[Shane Gillis]

So I'm a fine print guy, Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

True that.

[Shane Gillis]

I can't wait to show my mom this picture of me. Me flexing. Oh, shirtless.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah. From behind. Flexing from behind.

[Shane Gillis]

Shirtless.

[Matt McCusker]

Showing my back traps glutes.

[Shane Gillis]

My mom needs to see my gains.

[Matt McCusker]

Close up on my glutes.

[Shane Gillis]

It's actually a good idea. Or a frame out and send your mom befores and afters of your gains.

[Matt McCusker]

For sure.

[Shane Gillis]

She probably hasn't seen you in a while ago. This is what I worked on.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait till you've done the gains. Don't just send her a whole before album.

[Matt McCusker]

8Th grade to now. Just being like, oh, such a.

[Shane Gillis]

That's actually a great idea.

[Matt McCusker]

It'd be nice. Yeah. Just flexing hard.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna start taking the same picture every year. Compile an aura frame for her.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

What would you do? What would you send your mom?

[Matt McCusker]

I would send my mom a picture of me doing, like, male cheerleader moves. Oh, yeah. Just like, supporting Brittany from underneath. And it's also like, you know, with cheerleading, I'd hope she'd be mature enough to know that my hands are going to be.

[Shane Gillis]

They're going to be in there. But that's what it is.

[Matt McCusker]

But that's male cheerleading. I think my mom would understand that.

[Shane Gillis]

She would understand that an aura frame is exactly what she needs to store and display all those pictures. You can even send her a picture the next time you're talking to her on the phone, telling her about that game you went to. There's a reason aura frame was named best digital photo frame by wirecutter. That's no joke, folks. That was in Wirecutter and featured in 495 gift guides this year. What? Plus Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day. For a limited time, listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get $35 off, plus free shipping on their best sell Carver Matte frame. That's crazy. That's a U R A frames.com promo code MSSP. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply.

[Matt McCusker]

Mother's Day's on lock. Also, you guys can catch me at Cobbs Comedy club, San Francisco, California Crest Theater, Sacramento, California. Neptune Theater, Seattle, Washington and then Hollywood Improv, Hollywood, California.

[Shane Gillis]

So yeah, go to shanemgillis.com for tickets. I'll be in a bunch of cities. Goodbye. Oh wait, Guard dog. Do you have a show you'd like to promote?

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, to get in front of the camera, you know that.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[Shane Gillis]

Would you like to join me? Are you coming? Oh, Nate's not allowed. That's interesting. Well, Nate, do you want to come.

[Matt McCusker]

Too to promote the shows? Hello everybody.

[Shane Gillis]

It's us, Lamar, Sean and Nate. And we're here to promote The Optimum Noctis May 6th at the Creek in the Cave and also April 27th. Are there any good guests? Oh yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And also if you're not in Austin, Texas, please, please join me for a.

[Shane Gillis]

Night of stand up comedy in Philadelphia. Because I went to the show and it wasn't good. I went to Optimum Noctis and the lineup stunk and there was 20 people in the crowd.

[Matt McCusker]

No, that was just.

[Shane Gillis]

No, that's just a joke. It seems more like an excuse for you three to go off than that.

[Matt McCusker]

No, that's not true. It's the first Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave.

[Shane Gillis]

Please join us and then I'll be.

[Matt McCusker]

At Philadelphia Helium on May 6th.

[Shane Gillis]

Shangardini.com Please come this Sunday, April 27th. Live panties in the mouth. Speakeasy. We got a special guest. And then. And yeah, panties in your mouth. That's it. All right. Sorry guys. God bless you.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you.

[Shane Gillis]

You are machine but you're a little dinged up right now, huh? Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh my God. Dude, I, I, It's a Easter miracle that I didn't get for real.

[Shane Gillis]

Easter miracle.

[Matt McCusker]

Seriously injured. We, we were at an Airbnb near my parents house and dude, from a rental perspective, like insurance wise, you know, shout out to them, it's. I like seeing people take chances but they have a like 7 foot, 6 foot, 7 foot high 6 foot. Just a zip line. You just, you know, the kids are doing it. And last year I would do it, I'd be like, watch this. And you know when you jump up.

[Shane Gillis]

Went to the same Airbnb last year.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, sick.

[Matt McCusker]

Same place exactly. They have a tub full of Legos, like this deep. It was so fun. I mean, they have a piano in the first room, keyboard in the basement, guitars throughout. It's just fr. The best house. It's awesome. And we get on the, we're doing Legos or whatever. They have the zip line. And like when you do a zip line, you know, it's like, you know, pause, but you have to pull your legs all the way up, of course. So I, I like, I was like, watch this, guys. And I jumped up ass first. Dude. It'd be like standing on a six foot ladder. It's, it's as high as these things. Oh, my God. And I jumped off that, kicked my legs up and landed flat up. Because the thing just completely disconnected when I jumped off. So I just, out of nowhere, just, it happens in an instant cannonball directly on cannonball, dry cannonball onto my left ass cheek. Thank God. Onto moss, too. Because this zip line, it's like right away it's a soft patch of moss and then it's like these giant boulders that are just fixed in the ground.

[Shane Gillis]

Holy.

[Matt McCusker]

If I fell in the boulder, I would have broke my tailbone. If I even landed on my tailbone, I could have broken. So I jump off like 6ft high and then land on my ass and then smash my elbow. I did heal up. I had some scratches on my elbow. This was all up. And then the final was my neck just went like that. And I was like, I broke my neck. I totally, definitely broke my neck. And my brother's like, dude, you're all right. And the kids are like, oh. And my little nephew was like. So I pop up and I was like, it's not funny, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you hit him with the science. You're like, it's not funny. Your uncle fell from the zip line. It's not funny. You're lucky I didn't hit the rocks.

[Matt McCusker]

I landed on some soft moss, some soft peat moss. And then I I and then I got up and did like a, like a, just a circular, just spaz walk where I was like, just waiting for just something to like, I don't know. I was like, dude, I I for this is hospital time.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. What noise did you make when you hit the ground?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't remember. It was definitely like.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like out of wind, knocked out your type.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, it was like it was a jump and then like shocked or I was coming to like, what the happened? I was like, oh my God. I fell, got up and like, you know, everything kind of hurt. But I was like, I don't have to go to the hospital. It might do my brother even like. You know when your brother's like, are you like. He was like, nice talking. Like, are you. Are you all right? He. When I finally like got to like came to, he was like, bro, for real. I thought you were going to be doing hey buddies at Wawa for the rest of your life. He's like, I for real was like, well, Matt's done good run. He's ever. He's done.

[Shane Gillis]

If you were in a chair, this would be a sick pod.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be.

[Shane Gillis]

You'd be smarter.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Then you could understand quantum physics.

[Matt McCusker]

I for real was like, I. I was like. It would have been Hawking. So just half the Hawkings out.

[Shane Gillis]

You'd have to.

[Matt McCusker]

Or Reeves. What did Reeves do? Reeves didn't really get into physics.

[Shane Gillis]

Was it he fell off a horse or hit it.

[Matt McCusker]

Horse.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened to Hawkings?

[Shane Gillis]

It was a degenerative disease.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. So he didn't like fall. He just got his. Got up. Yeah, bro. I, I for real. I for a second was like, I myself up. I broke my neck. Something's wrong. My, you know, my spine's up. Totally fine. My knees right now. The only thing still nagging me is this goddamn knee. I think I twisted it when I went down. But other than that, dude. Miraculous survival.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And imagine if the dude, like apparently first of all, imagine if the kids fell.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Which some would argue like, well, they wouldn't have because they're not 180 something pounds. But it's like my brother, we like rehooked it back up and Billy was saying when you jump on it, like the thread comes out a little tiny bit at a time. And I just really accelerate it. Maybe popped out eight threads at once.

[Shane Gillis]

For breaking the zipline.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

I might counters it.

[Matt McCusker]

Christ. Like, don't sue me.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm on the. Yep.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll settle out of court. Dude. Don't bring it to the public. Dude. I'll say release the tape.

[Shane Gillis]

Release the full tape. All 10 minutes. I don't for 30 seconds.

[Matt McCusker]

Release a tape from last year when I shredded the zipline like five times. Then you got to like, it comes up against a tree. So you got to like kick the tree at the end, it's so tight, dude, I literally could have sued.

[Shane Gillis]

I.

[Matt McCusker]

It was total grounds for sue. Yeah, but my. My. Like that, man.

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Matt McCusker]

These guys opened their house to me, and I. You know, I am. I didn't. I shouldn't have been on the zip line, so.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Did you read the rulebook in the house?

[Matt McCusker]

It doesn't say anything about not being on zipline.

[Shane Gillis]

There's a. Wait a minute.

[Matt McCusker]

You've never even read the guidebook. I mean, dude, it was a Christ, like, sacrifice on my part, because if the kids fell, you know, it was Good Friday.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, we didn't even talk about our beautiful papa. Our Pope passed away.

[Matt McCusker]

I know.

[Shane Gillis]

Sweet, sweet papa. Papa's going, what? I don't think that was real. Oh, I thought. Oh, I don't think that was a real New York.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, whatever. Forgive me.

[Shane Gillis]

Somebody in our group chat posted a thing from the New York Post. Trust me, I checked. I was like, there's no way that's real.

[Matt McCusker]

Do I have to be the Pope?

[Shane Gillis]

Am I gonna be the Pope?

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nasty. You would make a good Pope.

[Shane Gillis]

Thanks, man. I don't know what I would do first.

[Matt McCusker]

Your Eagles gun on the balcony of the Vatican.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, the Green Goblin. I was. I was so excited when I got the Green Goblin and I took pictures and I sent it to everybody just because I was very excited. And then instantly started getting negative feedback.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

And then I realized, they're kind of right. It is gay. And then it took me a while to come back around, be like, no, this gun's rules. Sick.

[Matt McCusker]

What was the negative feedback there?

[Shane Gillis]

Lev Furze, ass. Who? Lev. Do you know Lev? You would like him.

[Matt McCusker]

We call him Heavy Levy.

[Shane Gillis]

He's a big. He's a guy who ballooned during COVID beast. He was a handsome devil, really. And then covet happened. He. For real. It was before and after Lemaire on the Green Bay trip, He just beefed up. He beefed up.

[Matt McCusker]

Not his fault the government did that to him.

[Shane Gillis]

Kind of.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, I wish I. I want to tell that story about. It's a live, personal story. Yeah, true. Making his girlfriend cry was one of the funniest stories I've heard. Fuck. I want to tell it. I'll tell it. I'll tell it. And then text him. And if he says no, we can edit it. But we. He gets. He gets a lot of guff for being heavy. And he said one time he ate so much that he made his girlfriend cry. And I guess what happened. Guard dog. I think he got two foot longs from Subway. Yeah. They're in the middle of an argument about him having to be healthier. Yes. And in the middle of the fight, he had just ordered two Subway footlongs. And they arrived and arrived. And he sat down and grubbed 20, 24 inches. 0.67 yards of subs of Hoggy. Of Hoggy. Right in front of his babe.

[Matt McCusker]

They're Buffalo Subways. Buffalo chicken.

[Shane Gillis]

Subway rules. Everyone tries to shoot on Subway. It's great.

[Matt McCusker]

Subway smell. Still me up if I smell. I used to crush Subway.

[Shane Gillis]

Subway's great.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, we're all trying to get back in shape on the child predator diet. Back in the day, dude, I used to crush their foot long Buffalo chicken sandwich.

[Shane Gillis]

Chicken, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll go Buffalo chicken on the cheese. Whatever. Toasted cheese roll. And it was like, God damn it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I doubt love wants us to air that out. That he ate a truly devastating story.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's a beast move. That's probably won't care, but that's holding frame, though.

[Shane Gillis]

That's so you gotta lose weight.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like, watch me. Two feet of hoagies, dude. Almost a yard. Yeah, it's the longest yard.

[Shane Gillis]

Just for real. The longest yard. Your babe crying.

[Matt McCusker]

My dad was.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, if I grubbed so hard that my woman left the room crying, such an it.

[Matt McCusker]

We can only inspire. We can only aspire. Well, I. I still operate under the assumption that, like, it turns women on when you eat, like, all your food really fast. Anytime I'm at a restaurant and I crush my plate, I'm like, yeah, I'm already done. This lady's so horny right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Everyone's horny. I just ate 70,000 calories.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know why in my head, I'm like, every time I crush just like a. A breakfast. Like a. I'll get like a double breakfast where it's like a, you know, classic eggs, whatever, potatoes, bacon, and like a side dish. Just smash both and be like, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

That'S what I do, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Go ahead, babe. Take this away from me. Sorry. But you see the ring?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know if you're wrong.

[Matt McCusker]

I think it. Yeah, I guess it could.

[Shane Gillis]

I think it depends on the dish. If you sit down and smash a cake, they're gonna be. Yeah. Not too pleased.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was yummy.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah. Ice cream. That's another one.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Two subway footlongs.

[Matt McCusker]

That's like 150 grams of protein.

[Shane Gillis]

It's up.

[Matt McCusker]

God, that makes me so hungry right.

[Shane Gillis]

Now I know I am pretty hungry.

[Matt McCusker]

I did. I did. Decadent weekend. Last place I was in doing stand up, I kept crushing Pete. San Antonio kept crushing pizzas before the show.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Couldn't stop it. I was. What type is via 313. Detroit style.

[Shane Gillis]

Detroit styles.

[Matt McCusker]

Detroit style is so good. And then this is actually a bit. This maybe could have made BAE cry. I also got a rotisserie. I got a rotisserie chicken while the ubereats was coming and just laid like, a huge topping of rotisserie chicken on the pizza. It was just crushing it backstage.

[Shane Gillis]

That would make a bay proud.

[Matt McCusker]

I think so, too.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. They'd be hyped on that.

[Matt McCusker]

They'd be like, damn, you're definitely hitting your macros today.

[Shane Gillis]

Ingenuity. She's a handyman.

[Matt McCusker]

It's. I yearn for another Detroit style with the tissue on top. Thick layer of tissue, man, it's so good.

[Shane Gillis]

It's left. Said it's okay.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. Be obvious. Beast.

[Shane Gillis]

He is a b. I've never seen someone that doesn't care more about.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I love heavy.

[Shane Gillis]

And he talks to everybody. He's very funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Animals.

[Shane Gillis]

He's a nasty.

[Matt McCusker]

I must have. I must have met this guy. I never. Yeah, for sure. I'm not. I'm not a.

[Shane Gillis]

But you weren't really that much in New York.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, he's a New Yorker.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, there.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought this was a mothership brew.

[Shane Gillis]

No, he's not a mothership, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

What an animal. Dude, he's just in the Big Apple. Just crush Big Apple.

[Shane Gillis]

He became the Big Apple.

[Matt McCusker]

King Kong. King Kong. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a good group chat.

[Matt McCusker]

The T, dude. Ticking out. That's the.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the around.

[Matt McCusker]

Charlie's just fully ticking out and just getting so. Just gaining tons of weight is the move I was.

[Shane Gillis]

I was playing. We played Halo. Me and him would play video games together. And one night it was like, 3am we're playing Halo. And he's like, I'm kind of hungry. I think I'm gonna get a chicken parm sub. And I was like, dude, just go to bed. Yeah, it's 3am let's just go to bed. You do not need to. Or you need to stay up until 5, like 4 to get that farm sub. Don't get me wrong, I was jealous of the man's freedom.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. True.

[Shane Gillis]

I wish I was willing to go. Yeah, it parm sub. 3am the wakeup sober.

[Matt McCusker]

The wakeup's tough.

[Shane Gillis]

He was sober. Hitting these Orders.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I mean, look, Legend. That's such a beast, man.

[Shane Gillis]

And he had a motorcycle.

[Matt McCusker]

Did he really?

[Shane Gillis]

He gained 500 pounds and he drove a motorcycle.

[Matt McCusker]

That isn't. That is like, dude, I just found out on the hog.

[Shane Gillis]

No, dude, we're being mean to the sweet love.

[Matt McCusker]

No, dude, I just found out. Apparently, that's the only time a anaconda. Or not anacondas. Pythons. My. My nephew is a bit of a snake, man. He's got a python.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Watch that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, he's got. He's got.

[Shane Gillis]

Kanye's nephew is a bit of a snake.

[Matt McCusker]

That was his cousin, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, true.

[Matt McCusker]

This is just his cousin and closest cousin. They. He was saying, so, like, the anaconda you can like. Or pythons are.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't want to get.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, I don't want to cause a stir in the reptile community, but he. He was telling my brother, like, yo, you gotta chill. You can't pet him. When it. When. The only time a python gets aggressive, it's when it's. It's digesting its food.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So, like, when they eat and they just have this giant knot in their.

[Shane Gillis]

Stomach itself at that point.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they will. And my brother was like, dude, it'll be fine. And the thing bit my brother, scared the. Out of him.

[Shane Gillis]

That probably hurt like hell. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

He said it didn't hurt as bad as you think because he had. They only have teeth. Pythons have teeth in the back of their mouth. But it did leave a mark. And he's like, bro, I like, it's something about a snake striking you. He's like, I can't. Can't even reach my hand.

[Shane Gillis]

Terrifying.

[Matt McCusker]

It was so scary. So it was funny. He was like, shut up, dude. Watch this. My. My nephew knows he got bit by a python.

[Shane Gillis]

When was this? This weekend.

[Matt McCusker]

It was right before I came.

[Shane Gillis]

What are the McCuskers doing?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, we got some rep. There's a lot of reptiles going on.

[Shane Gillis]

That's just scored.

[Matt McCusker]

Just scored the bearded dragon. Bearded dragon score. Nice.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a really good score.

[Matt McCusker]

Bearded drag is nice. Got to keep the tiles in there, get them warm for the very good score. Yeah, we had. There's the python. There's a little baby corn snake. Bearded dragon's nice. Corn snake's great.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was holding the baby corn snake, and, dude, they. They'll, like, hold mice, bro. Come on, dude. Come on.

[Shane Gillis]

Hold the baby corn snake is. I'm gonna. I'm gonna take that one. I might use that tonight. I might use that Tonight with my. My woman.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, the baby courses.

[Shane Gillis]

You know what time it is? What. What time? It's time to hold the baby corn snake. The baby corn snake's hungry, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

My niece and nephew will, like, hold dead mice and let this snake strike out of the.

[Shane Gillis]

They're gonna be out of their minds, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

They're fearless.

[Shane Gillis]

They're gonna be nuts. It's.

[Matt McCusker]

We have a video of it. They just. My. My niece is holding a dead mouse, and the baby corn snake goes right out of her hands. I'm like, dude, I can't. I'd flinch. I'd be like, darwin in front of the glass. Yeah, he couldn't do it. He would stand in front of a snake, even behind the glass, and would strike at him. He's like. I would flinch 100% of the time. He's like, something about these, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Charles Darwin.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. He would stand in front of, like, a snake tank and be like, this is the day I'm just going to have nerves of steel, let it strike at me. He goes, I'm. Oh, for 100. Every. Every day the snake would strike and.

[Shane Gillis]

He'D go, they're scary, guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man. Scary as hell. But, yeah, we got. The reptiles are popping over on the compound. It's pretty tight.

[Shane Gillis]

Bearded dragons, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

He came down that we had the family Easter party. Came down with the bearded dragon is on him.

[Shane Gillis]

Just like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Who did that?

[Matt McCusker]

Mac?

[Shane Gillis]

How old is he?

[Matt McCusker]

He's like six. It's a sick flex.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a flex for a kid.

[Matt McCusker]

It was a pretty sick flex, but, yeah, Easter was. Easter was sick, dude. I was. I kept teasing all my nieces and nephews. They did the big Easter egg.

[Shane Gillis]

He's gonna bite his ass, too.

[Matt McCusker]

With the bearded dragon.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, this thing's a dude, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

They're big. He's. Bearded dragons live till 20. So he's got a good 14 years on this bearded dragon. Or, you know, puberty might shake that up a little bit.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he might drop. A girlfriend might come in between him and his bearded dragon.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he might. Yeah, he might put down the bearded dragon and try to touch another.

[Shane Gillis]

Put down the bearded dragon.

[Matt McCusker]

Touch another reptile. Touch another slimy creature.

[Shane Gillis]

The slimiest bearded vagina.

[Matt McCusker]

Hopefully be carrying out a nice bearded vagina.

[Shane Gillis]

Carrying it down at Easter. Go on.

[Matt McCusker]

Everyone carrying out a bearded vagina.

[Shane Gillis]

Lameze, we could get you a bearded dragon. I love a bearded dragon. They don't. Do they, like. They don't, like, shed or nothing, Right? Damn. I didn't know they were this chill.

[Matt McCusker]

They're chill as hell.

[Shane Gillis]

They're the king of chill.

[Matt McCusker]

They are for real chill as it's.

[Shane Gillis]

A YouTube video about bearded dragon. The king of chill.

[Matt McCusker]

My nephew's like confused why I don't have a ton of reptiles. He's like, bro, what the are you doing? He's like, you could have one of these, right?

[Shane Gillis]

Reptiles suck.

[Matt McCusker]

What the.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, I swear, don't get me wrong, bearded dragon's cool, but I mean.

[Matt McCusker]

I know what you mean.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't want a pet. That's nothing.

[Matt McCusker]

You're talking about being a reptile adult.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's tricky. Terrible.

[Shane Gillis]

I knew a reptile adult. A dear friend of mine. I think I might have talked about it. My. My cousin was dating a rep. A reptile adult. She had a giant like iguana. She had a huge lizard that they would. She would like put in bed with them.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, big dog.

[Matt McCusker]

You got to put that thing away when it's time to smash.

[Shane Gillis]

No, you gotta say, let the boy watch.

[Matt McCusker]

I got absolutely. I got totally aura robbed by. We fed. There's like a little Shetland power robbed.

[Shane Gillis]

On that zip line, dude. I mean zipline devastating.

[Matt McCusker]

Crushed.

[Shane Gillis]

That was all your coins.

[Matt McCusker]

And then all my sonic. I. I was already zero. I think I died then because I had zero coins. And then we went. I brought like everyone up to feed the little Shetland pon.

[Shane Gillis]

It was a little Shetland pony. Now that's a good animal.

[Matt McCusker]

Great animal.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Cody is 31 years old, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

He a 31 year old Shetland pony.

[Matt McCusker]

On the compound kicking around 31 year old Shetland and a mini pony. And I brought everyone up. Brittany was with me and we went and fed the pony and we were. I was just giving it grass. My uncle's like, oh, I got like horse feed. You can dump it in the thing. So we dumped horse feed in and do this. The pony was so excited. It's dong just came out and I was just watching my wife. Oh my God. And I was like, dude, that's the dong on a Shetland pony. It was. It was thickums. It was thick and long. He just dropped like a. Was not quite a cokette. Cody the code master, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Cody Rhodes.

[Matt McCusker]

Cody. Cody came down, bro. Cody just dropped while he was eating. Drop dong while eating. As soon as he finished, it was like sucked back in. My wife was like, what the hell? And I was like, yeah, it's glancing. I was like, oh my God. Flas just like. It was weird. It wasn't. It wasn't bricked up. It was just dropped.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, just dropped. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Flaccid dong. Just.

[Shane Gillis]

That's even. That's way more enviable. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And it was a Shetland, too. It's like, bro, it's not even a full horse.

[Shane Gillis]

And I was just like, shetland.

[Matt McCusker]

Not even in my dreams, bro. This thing was crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Just dropped like an HBO Lord of the. Just a full flash dog.

[Shane Gillis]

Showstopper.

[Matt McCusker]

Total showstopper, dude. It was my wife and her friend just like, oh, my God. And I was like, all right, guys, come on, let's go see some other parts of this place. This is.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's funny that men have that and women, you know, you never see, like, a dog's. And go, jeez.

[Matt McCusker]

On the dogs. Wet as hell. Things glistening. Just a nice. It's a nice buttery mini butt.

[Shane Gillis]

All right, all right, all right. That's good. That's the end of the podcast. We'll go to the Patreon. Sinners was great. I'm not racist. Thank you.

[Matt McCusker]

That's a puffy.