Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys

Summary

Podcast Summary: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast Episode: Ep 560 - Big Boy Toys
Release Date: May 22, 2025
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Description: Grab onto this fast-moving train and witness two comedians rise to victory and splendor. This is easily the funniest podcast out there. The rest are pretty meh.

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1. Air Travel Adventures and Lounge Drama (00:00 - 07:05)

The episode kicks off with Matt and Shane recounting a frustrating experience at the Austin airport lounge. Matt attempts to treat Shane and a friend, Egan, to guest passes at the American Airlines club lounge. Despite arriving early and believing he had legitimate access, Matt faces skepticism from the lounge staff.

Matt (00:25): "We walked into the lounge, and the whole situation just wasn't sitting right with me."

Shane expresses his frustration over being accused of lying about his access, leading to a tense interaction with the lounge attendant. The hosts discuss the importance of respect, especially in front of their peers, highlighting how such misunderstandings can escalate quickly.

Shane (02:24): "They disrespected me in front of my friends."

2. Weekend Highlights and Personal Disrespect Encounters (07:05 - 14:05)

Transitioning from the airport drama, Matt and Shane share stories from their weekend performances in Sacramento, emphasizing the high energy and success of their shows. However, both hosts also describe a barrage of disrespectful encounters they faced, from rude interactions at the airport to unsettling experiences on their flight.

Shane (06:44): "There was a homeless lady who told us to 'move it or lose it,' and then flashed a sweet smile. It was bizarre."

Matt relates a similar incident in a restaurant where the hostess questioned his legitimacy, further intensifying the theme of facing unwarranted disrespect.

Matt (03:33): "The hostess was like, 'I've never seen this person in my life.' I was like, what did you do that for?"

3. The Allure of Big Trucks and Personal Anecdotes (12:03 - 22:21)

A significant portion of the episode dives into the hosts' fascination with big trucks, affectionately termed "Big Boy Toys." They discuss the impracticality yet irresistible charm of massive vehicles like the Escalade, debating their necessity versus sheer preference.

Matt (12:20): "I want a big truck. All right, man."

Shane shares his father's obsession with big trucks, highlighting the generational love for these vehicles and the humorous dynamics it creates within families.

Shane (12:48): "He loves big, big boy toys."

The conversation extends to the impracticality of such vehicles, especially in urban settings, but the hosts agree that the allure remains strong regardless of practicality.

Matt (22:23): "The Mexicans standing on the mass. It's crazy."

4. Mexican Navy Boat Incident and Satirical News Commentary (22:21 - 32:38)

The hosts pivot to a recent news story about the Mexican Navy's mishap involving a boat stumbling towards the Brooklyn Bridge. They provide a humorous take on the incident, mocking the incompetence and chaos that ensued.

Shane (24:10): "Rip. That's fucked."

Matt adds a satirical twist by imagining a surveillance state and humorous scenarios involving the Mexican Navy, blending current events with their signature comedic style.

Matt (23:12): "They were trying to plunder. They, ah. We ran up ground."

5. Celebrity Scandals and Trials (32:38 - 44:39)

The conversation shifts to high-profile trials and scandals, notably referencing a fictionalized trial involving a character named Diddy. The hosts mock the absurdity of the legal proceedings, intertwining real and fabricated elements to amplify the humor.

Shane (34:42): "Yeah, it's pretty wild, man. But yeah, I don't know."

They discuss the implications of scandalous behaviors in the celebrity world, including humorous exaggerations of court testimonies and personal lives.

Matt (35:40): "I wonder if Kanye's music has reached the prisons."

6. Religious Experiences and School Memories (66:18 - 72:57)

In a nostalgic segment, Matt and Shane reminisce about their school days and religious experiences, particularly focusing on Catholic mass and the challenges they faced during their youth. They share humorous anecdotes about mischievous behavior in church and the strictness of teachers.

Matt (67:04): "Once it started, I'd be like, oh, it's time to play with my big boy toys."

Shane recalls engaging in antics during mass, highlighting the contrast between their youthful rebellion and the structured environment of school and religious institutions.

Sean (71:24): "I'm out of here."

7. Closing Remarks and Reflective Thoughts (72:57 - End)

As the episode draws to a close, Matt and Shane reflect on the various topics discussed, touching upon themes of respect, personal experiences, and societal observations. They share lighthearted banter about maintaining composure amidst chaos and the importance of humor in navigating life's challenges.

Sean (72:44): "Bye."

The hosts conclude the episode with playful exchanges, leaving listeners with a blend of laughter and contemplative thoughts wrapped in their unique comedic style.

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Notable Quotes:

• Matt (00:25): "We walked into the lounge, and the whole situation just wasn't sitting right with me."

• Shane (02:24): "They disrespected me in front of my friends."

• Matt (03:33): "The hostess was like, 'I've never seen this person in my life.' I was like, what did you do that for?"

• Matt (12:20): "I want a big truck. All right, man."

• Shane (12:48): "He loves big, big boy toys."

• Shane (24:10): "Rip. That's fucked."

• Matt (35:40): "I wonder if Kanye's music has reached the prisons."

• Matt (66:18): "Once it started, I'd be like, oh, it's time to play with my big boy toys."

• Sean (71:24): "I'm out of here."

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Conclusion:

Episode 560 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" offers a rollercoaster of comedic tales, from airport lounge dramas and weekend show triumphs to satirical takes on news events and nostalgic school memories. Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis expertly weave personal anecdotes with sharp humor, ensuring a rich and engaging listening experience. Notable moments include their recounting of the Mexican Navy incident, humorous disses from public spaces, and reflective yet funny stories from their past. This episode is a testament to why "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" stands out as one of the funniest podcasts available.

Transcript

[Matt]

Wild, wild west. Hello. How are you?

[Sean]

Hello, everybody.

[Matt]

So people are causing you some guff.

[Sean]

Trying not to cry, bro. I got. Literally, Gardini witnessed it. From the start of the weekend, the shows were fun. I was in Ball Sacramento and LGBT Adult. I was in Ball Sacramento and LGBT Adult.

[Matt]

And those are two good ones. They were great.

[Sean]

The shows phenomenal. But from the dude, from the get go, we get to the Austin airport, we're early. I say, this would be a nice treat. I'll take Sean and Egan. Brought the Eganism with me. I was like, we'll take Sean and Egan up to the American Airlines little club lounge, treat them for two free guest passes. Like, what a great way to start the day. I go in early. I'm. You know, I was there. I'm just kind of, like, writing on my laptop. Sean texts me. He's like, you know, he text me like, hey, we're outside. I'm like, okay, Sean's outside.

[Matt]

Mumble through text.

[Sean]

They're. They're just kind of, like, milling around by that front desk. And I. And I. I'll be honest, I was, like, tightening a paragraph. So it was. They were there for, like, maybe like, four. How long were you guys there for like a minute? Yeah, they're there for a second. I wasn't trying to be a jerk. I was just locked in. Sorry about that. Dopamine stack. Locked in. So I go out to let them in. I'm like, hey, these guys with me. I believe I have two free guest passes. And the lady goes, yeah, if you're a member at this lounge. And I go, okay, no big deal. I go, but I am. And I. You know, I. Coming out of it, I scanned in. She didn't scan in with me. I'm like. And then the lady I scanned in with comes up and goes, who'd you scan in with? And I was like, whoever was sitting where you are, I think you.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

She's like, I don't remember that. And I'm like, what do you guys think I'm lying? Like, I can assure you I didn't sneak in here. We didn't say that. I'm like, you kind of did. And I was like, anyway, here's my thing. But I definitely know. I was like, I even. I beeped in, and you went, do you need help with anything else? So I think it was you.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

She's like, I'm just saying. I. And it was like, okay, so you're not in here. So the only thing I could think of is that I I had gardenings and my boarding pass on my phone. Maybe I beat gardenis, but that's her. If I beat the wrong one, that's her. So I'm like, look, whatever. We go into the lounge, and I'm like, that just wasn't sitting right with me. And I was like, lady, I'm not. I wasn't trying to be a dick. But, like, you do realize you kind of accused me of lying to my face in front of my friends.

[Matt]

You disrespected me in front of my.

[Sean]

Friends, disrespected me in front of my.

[Matt]

In front of the openers. That's something I cannot have.

[Sean]

You undermined me in front of my open.

[Matt]

Set an example for the open.

[Sean]

Next thing I know, they'll be doing an extra five. They'll be doing 30.

[Matt]

Oh, they'll run the light gardening.

[Sean]

Walking all over my bits and tags.

[Matt]

Yeah, well, I saw that joke you did last night. I'm going to do the same joke. I have a joke that's just like that. It reminded me. So I'm going to open with that tomorrow. I love not to go off track, but that is the best.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

When an opener hears you do a joke, and then the next show you hear him do a different joke, you go, that's the same topic. They didn't do that in the first show. It's like, oh, yeah. Your joke reminded me of my joke about that same topic. And I wanted to go before you. All right, perfect.

[Sean]

You've had some disrespect as well.

[Matt]

I've had this exact experience that you remember. I sat down at a Cheesecake Factory, and they were like, where did you get this seat? Who are you? I was like, I don't know. I didn't just pick this. Somebody walked me in. The hostess was like, I've never seen this person in my life. I was like, what the did you do that for? Why'd you just lie?

[Sean]

Same thing, dude. I was. I was hot. I had to go back up to the lady and be like, dude, that was. That was kind of weird. You did that. Yeah, like, I. I'm. I'm not like, you know, I just want to let you know that was crazy. I'm not asking for, like, you know, preferential treatment in here, but I'm like, don't do that. That was nuts. And I was like. And you scanned me in. She's like, I don't remember that. It's like, that's not my problem. So then we had a.

[Matt]

Was this a white Woman.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I was gonna say, yeah, man.

[Sean]

It was.

[Matt]

I thought, yeah, if you were confronting a black woman like this, I would have been, bro. I would have said, hats off.

[Sean]

I've been trained in the trenches.

[Matt]

I know that.

[Sean]

I pull no punches.

[Matt]

I know you're out the mud.

[Sean]

I'll pull. No, I did that one time back in Philly in an old apartment, and the lady spazzed on me. She spazzed on me. And I was just. Sam, I was the one, dude. I was just kind of like, you have no idea, lady.

[Matt]

Yeah, your tricks don't work on me, dude.

[Sean]

I can have seen more of a black spaz like, none other, dude. I was just sitting there.

[Matt]

Like, the only black spaz I really ever absorbed was in our old apartment when that lady came back with her big dog to kick us out. I just sat on the steps, and I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Sean]

The realtor that I had worked for.

[Matt]

That lady, Matt, worked with this realtor, and they came back to, like, evict us. I didn't give a. I had zero dollars. We were getting evicted from West Philly. I was just sitting at the top of the steps, and they were downstairs. Like, right now. You need to get out right now. And I was like, oh, do I? That was a gargoyle on the steps.

[Sean]

You're not supposed to be in here. It's like, we're not supposed to have a giant hole in our basement. Well, I'm in here.

[Matt]

So what's happening?

[Sean]

That was the best when our. Our dishwasher was moldy, and I was like, yo, we have, like, mold in our dishwasher? No, she came in, and she was like, I think we might have different definitions of what? Moldy? I was like, there's mold on the dishwasher. You're spraying bleach on it. What are you talking about? What the are you talking about?

[Matt]

Yeah, man. Hook us up with a fridge.

[Sean]

Yeah, Lump. Lump had Lump connected the fridge.

[Matt]

That was nice.

[Sean]

Yeah, that was pretty sick. But, yeah, Then. So then I get on the plane, and I've been doing a thing on the plane where, like, I get on, and they're seating the whole plane. So I bust my tray out, you know, again, just getting some writing done, just working. And then I think this might have been on the second flight, but this guy just is like, you know, big gay guy from the sky kingdom of gay guys in the air, and he just like, is it the stewardess Stewart? Yeah, stewardo.

[Matt]

The steward Stewart.

[Sean]

Stewart.

[Matt]

The steward. The John Stewart was a Big. He was a big.

[Sean]

It's kind of a big dog.

[Matt]

Thick, gay steward.

[Sean]

Yes. And he. Dude, literally, I'm like, completely absorbed.

[Matt]

I'm into that. Somehow it got hotter.

[Sean]

Dude. He goes, we're waiting on you. I'm like, what? I snap out of working. I'm like, oh, my bad, dude. And I like, shut my laptop. And I was just kind of like, the is going on today? Why is everyone on me? And then we land. We get to ball Sacramento. We land. And dude, we're outside the hotel. And this actually made me laugh, but a lady comes up, a homeless lady walks by and goes, move it or lose it. I was like, what the fuck? And then she did start laughing. She was kind of like.

[Matt]

She was in on it. She could feel.

[Sean]

Yeah, she. She turned around and flashed just such a sweet smile.

[Matt]

That's funny.

[Sean]

And I was like, dang. Later. That was kind of funny. And then there was an older lady in like a mobility chair. I was telling Sean. I was like, I might hit her with the movie to lose it.

[Matt]

Should have. It's the only way to break the curse. You got to give it to somebody else. Disrespecting you. You have to disrespect somebody.

[Sean]

It was in a 24 hour period. I've never sustained. Just not. It was non stop disrespect. I can't think if there was any. I don't know if there's anything else. This episode is brought to you by Paramount.

[Matt]

Plus I've got a wild story for you, Matt. There's this guy, Nathan, and the girl of his dreams is taken hostage. Whoa. He fights to get her back, but here's the crazy thing. He can't feel pain.

[Sean]

Dude, isn't this the plot of Novocaine?

[Matt]

Yeah, it's the plot of Novocaine.

[Sean]

The best new action movie. Seriously.

[Matt]

Rated R. Like all the good stuff. Stream novocaine [e-mail] I caught. I caught some strays on my flight home this weekend.

[Sean]

Did you?

[Matt]

Yeah, just some drunk guy sitting next to me or across the aisle. And he was like, I could tell you're somebody because I saw your lady friend that you're with and then I saw you and I was like, what? I was like, oh, cool, man. What the was that for?

[Sean]

Why would you say that to me?

[Matt]

Yeah, I get hit with that all the time. Last night we were out, the guy was like, my friend looks too.

[Sean]

I was like, cool, man.

[Matt]

Thanks, man. Can I have pictures? Yeah, for sure. Will you look in the pictures? I don't have a choice. I'm gonna. Let's get the picture.

[Sean]

That's the funniest request ever.

[Matt]

I get it every day.

[Sean]

That's when people are like, let's do middle fingers in the picture. I'm like, can we not, man?

[Matt]

I know.

[Sean]

Middle fingers.

[Matt]

Yeah. You got disrespected at Cabo Bob's. Yeah.

[Lamar]

I told Matt about this and I told everybody besides you about this, but I was the.

[Matt]

Are you telling everyone else for. Not me. I didn't.

[Lamar]

I haven't seen you in a week.

[Sean]

You know, I miss you.

[Matt]

There's another.

[Lamar]

I didn't mean to disrespect you.

[Matt]

I'm sorry.

[Lamar]

But it was me and all the. The big guys, so it's me, Lamar, Andy, Pat, and our friend Jake Ricca.

[Matt]

So Jake thick, too.

[Lamar]

It's about 1500 pounds, man. When we hit the Cabo Bobs, you.

[Matt]

Guys can't get in an elevator?

[Lamar]

No, absolutely not. Final destination.

[Matt]

Yeah. Nine people limit. You go. We can't get in.

[Lamar]

It was five. It's. Some guy commented about how he was like, why are all you big guys hanging out with this little guy? It's just kind of weird to see.

[Matt]

That's funny.

[Lamar]

He's like, you guys are all so big and he's so little.

[Matt]

Who said this to you?

[Lamar]

A random guy at the Cabo Box.

[Matt]

I just. Not even. Didn't even work there. No, no.

[Lamar]

He was just going to pick up his lunch and he commented on all of our sizes.

[Matt]

He saw you guys. He probably thought it was some type of weird sexual.

[Lamar]

I kept.

[Matt]

He's like, there's their little humper.

[Lamar]

Yeah, that's. I was joking about that. I was joking about how I had a fat drawn carriage that took me around.

[Matt]

Yeah, you do chill deep with the fats.

[Egan]

I know.

[Lamar]

I never realized until that moment that it probably is a weird sight to see me hanging out with only people that are about four times bigger.

[Matt]

You have a plus size squad.

[Sean]

Really do. Yeah, it was crazy. That was. That was pretty much it. The weekend was sick. Otherwise, the weekend was great.

[Matt]

It was just nice.

[Sean]

Just non stop mounting disrespect, just one after the other. Not the last lady. The last lady had. It was an older lady with braces. Very sweet. But yeah, all the stewards were just.

[Matt]

That's hot.

[Sean]

Yeah, I know. Was she hot in Runway?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah, I would say she was. She was kind of a. She's a darling. Very nice too. I even. I was so, just, just so beaten down from the weekend. I'm like doing my work before I was. The plane loads. And I like looked up at her one point and I was like, just let me know when you want me to close this. I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to. You're fine, sweetie.

[Matt]

Babes, embraces. They must be humble.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt]

Lest they get hit with a shut up brace face. They have to be humble at all times.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt]

Nice braces, you 50 year old. Fucking. Wow. Wow.

[Sean]

Getting sexy for your fourth husband. Nice.

[Matt]

Now that's something we would say if we were being mean.

[Sean]

If I got attacked.

[Matt]

If I got attacked by a brace faced lady.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I go, I don't know who you're talking to with those braces in your mouth.

[Sean]

Just go. Jesus Christ. Can you turn the other way? Sun's bouncing off those things, blinding me. Put on your rubber bands. Shut the hell up.

[Matt]

Adult braces are fucking sick.

[Sean]

I love them.

[Matt]

I mean to be rocking braces instead of invisaligns at this point.

[Sean]

It's awesome. Kind of a power move, honestly.

[Matt]

I know Terrell Davis had braces.

[Sean]

Did he really?

[Matt]

Yeah, he was the man. Running back for the Broncos. You remember him tossing the brain. Yeah. He had braces.

[Sean]

Game day 98. That was my go to.

[Matt]

Yeah, he was nasty.

[Sean]

He was awesome.

[Matt]

Adult braces, they should come back. My friend's dad got braces and it was fucking hilarious. That's wild.

[Sean]

I told you about my dad. They tried to get him to get braces and he was just like, hell to the null.

[Matt]

Yeah. You can't wear braces at a construction site. Good lord.

[Sean]

He couldn't even drive. Not drive a pickup truck. If he took.

[Matt]

He had a little Ford Fiesta passed down to Billy.

[Sean]

Oh yeah.

[Matt]

He was talking to me yesterday about a nine million dollar truck he wants to buy.

[Sean]

It's his absolute Achilles heel.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

He yearns for like Dora, Max. The most gigantic trucks imaginable.

[Matt]

It's crazy. Big trucks. It's like a little boy.

[Sean]

He is. He loves a big truck. He loves big, big boy toys.

[Matt]

He did have a nice answer. I was like, dude, why do you keep buying only why do you want a huge expensive truck? He's like, I just like them and they're my favorite things.

[Sean]

That's fair.

[Matt]

I was like, well, that's totally. He's like, it's the one thing I like in this entire world. I want a big truck. All right. Man.

[Sean]

He does love big trucks.

[Matt]

Big trucks.

[Sean]

He was it. He was supposed. I had rented. What the hell did I. I had some sort of a Wagon here, I think when I was in Philly, hops, and he goes, dan, he's like, looking around. Oh, this is the wagon. They're so nice, dude. The Escalade's probably 160. It's crazy. I'm like, don't give me truck.

[Matt]

New Escalades are sick, though.

[Sean]

Are they?

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sean]

They're on his radar. He's like, they're 160 because they're crazy dudes. Oh, my.

[Matt]

Dude, that's the least practical truck for where? Vehicle for where he lives.

[Sean]

Don't get a little beater, bro. Get the bucket. Get in the bucket. That's all he needs is a little bucket.

[Matt]

I'm surprised you're whipping that Accord. You're a millionaire, Sean.

[Lamar]

Should I get.

[Matt]

You're the richest guy ever. It's so crazy.

[Lamar]

It would be cool to roll around in an Escalade. It would look ridiculous, especially if you.

[Matt]

Pulled up in the escalator as a big boy toy.

[Lamar]

The fat mobile.

[Matt]

Five fat mobile, five fats stumbling out. Everyone's arguing.

[Sean]

You got to set up a trust for your fats. What do you mean, you got to set up a trust? What are they gonna do when you're gone?

[Lamar]

I don't know.

[Matt]

They are suckling off you all your ad revenue.

[Lamar]

I like the Accord. It's nice.

[Sean]

That is a nice car. The Accord is nice.

[Lamar]

Gets me where I got to go.

[Sean]

It's a bit of a splurge. I'm more of a Civic man myself.

[Matt]

But, yeah, you could have got a Civic. You don't need all that space. But I get it. Once those checks start rolling in.

[Sean]

Just.

[Matt]

I love. I love telling the group chat how rich you are. All the New York. We're in a group chat with the most evil New York comics.

[Sean]

Vampires, bro.

[Matt]

They are vampires. They. They're like, austin, comedy sucks. I just screenshotted the seller lineup yesterday. I was like, new York, sick garbage line.

[Sean]

The purists.

[Matt]

They're such purists, dude. Yes, Purists. Oh, man. We might be getting some Chantilly lace coming up.

[Sean]

What's that?

[Lamar]

That would be so awesome.

[Matt]

One of the ultimate vampires is Lev. Guys. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. The basketball playoffs have been unbelievable, and the action is still heating up on Prize Picks. The best place to cash in your favorite sports. Matt, what do you think about the playoffs so far? Who do you have been surprising?

[Sean]

Me.

[Matt]

You've been surprised?

[Sean]

Everyone's been saying the Celtics were the.

[Matt]

Best, and, you know, I don't know anymore. The Knicks Beat them.

[Sean]

Exactly.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

So. So, yeah, I'm like.

[Matt]

Like, what the heck. Yeah. Who else do you like?

[Sean]

I. I've. I think the OKC Thunder.

[Matt]

Yeah. That's a good pick.

[Sean]

I think I've been here, I've been hearing there, you know, they could. They could win it all.

[Matt]

Shane Gillis, Alexander going against the Ant Man. Are there any particular teams or fixtures that you've enjoyed?

[Sean]

You know, I mean, yeah, I think about the Knicks a lot.

[Matt]

I think Knicks that upset the Knicks are fun.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's a good Pacer.

[Matt]

Is a classic series.

[Sean]

It's. Dude, it's just. I've been.

[Matt]

Matt, I think it's time you cash in on the basketball playoffs with prize picks. Don't miss your last chance to add your favorite players from the court to your prize picks lineup. Whether it's points, rebounds, assists, take your pick of more or less for your shot to win up to 2000 times your cash today. How much money do you have now? Imagine it times 2000.

[Sean]

Dang, that would be nice.

[Matt]

Yeah, that would change things. You'd be able to get a bunker. This is what I'm thinking. Sample picks. I'm gonna go Caitlin Reese, less points or Angel Reese, less points, more rebounds. Though she does get boards, dude. Yeah, that's what I think.

[Sean]

There you go.

[Matt]

All right, you heard our picks. Now it's time to lock in your playoff picks with prize picks. Don't miss out on Flex Friday. Make sure you opt in and tap the checkbox in your lineup builder to be eligible for the protected play. I love protected play. Me too, jk. I love unprotected play. Choose squares from any game on the board. If your line. If your lineup does not win, you get your net losses back in promo funds up to your promo limit as soon as the lineup settles. I'm telling you, Prize picks is the best place to turn your sports knowledge into cash. You can submit your picks in 60 seconds or less. It's so easy. I'm doing it right now. No, I'm not. Or am I? That's what they wrote. I didn't think that was funny. I don't. I don't want you guys who listen to this podcast looking for comedy to think that that's the type of I'm pushing out. All right, download the app today and use code drench to get 50 instantly after you play your five dollar lineup. That's code drenched. To get $50 instantly after you play your first five dollar lineup. Price picks run your game. Oh, yeah, now it's Time to plug shows. July, I'll be going to. I. I added a bunch of shows, so please come to them. I'm gonna go to Oklahoma City August 8th. I'll be in Louisville. But yeah, Oklahoma City and Louisville are the. Are the ones I'd really like you to buy tickets to. I thought the OKC Thunder fans would be excited to let loose for a comedy once they're done with all these. These playoff games, you know? Yeah. Very stressful. Now it's time to let loose with the comedy show there.

[Sean]

Totally agree.

[Matt]

How about you, Sean? Do you have anything cool coming up, bud?

[Sean]

Yep.

[Lamar]

I just heard in front of the camera.

[Sean]

Yeah, true.

[Matt]

You're a millionaire now.

[Sean]

I'm not a millionaire.

[Lamar]

I'm not a millionaire. But I do have a show at Cap City Comedy club. I have two shows, May 30th and 31st at Cap City Comedy Club. Sean Gardini and friends in Austin, Texas. Please come to those if you can. The link is below. And also Optimum Noctis on June.

[Matt]

The link is below. I don't think I ever told you you could post your links.

[Lamar]

The link is on my page. On my own personal page if you'd like.

[Matt]

The link's below.

[Lamar]

The link is below. Thank you, guys.

[Matt]

Yeah. Hell yeah, bud.

[Sean]

Also, Ontario, California, huge weekend. June 26th to the 28th. I will be taping my special at the Ontario Impro.

[Matt]

Yeah boy.

[Sean]

Coming up. So please come to that. It'll be a lot of fun. It's gonna be Thursday through Saturday, so. Yeah, it's live taping.

[Matt]

And I've seen the new hour, and it's very good.

[Sean]

Thank you.

[Lamar]

Yes.

[Matt]

It's your best hour yet. I'm excited to see it. Thank you.

[Sean]

I'm excited to get it over with in live.

[Lamar]

Panties in the mouth. June 20, May 25.

[Sean]

Where?

[Matt]

Where?

[Lamar]

@ speakeasy.

[Matt]

At Speakeasies. Here in Austin.

[Lamar]

Yep. Here in Austin, Texas.

[Matt]

Live panties in the mouth.

[Lamar]

Five panties in the mouth.

[Matt]

Are you guys gonna do a baby year order? What's going on here? It's just month still.

[Egan]

Just the month. We do baby the month now. It's usually baby the week. All the winners.

[Matt]

Okay. And then you have a torn a tournament in front of a live audience.

[Sean]

And they put a cookie. Then they put a cookie on the floor.

[Matt]

Horny pieces of. If you want to go to the speakeasy and meet with the horniest guy, there's a horny guy. Meetup at the speakeasies. All right.

[Sean]

I just pray the disrespect stops. I was like. I was sitting there the other day, I was kind of high, and I was just thinking about all the evil against me. It's not a lot, but there is. There's, like, if you really zoom out and, like, there probably is at any given time, just people spewing evil just about your name and likeness. I like. It hit me how the overwhelming scale. And it was just kind of like I just had to make peace with it. I was like, I wish them all well. Anyone who wishes evil against me, mostly airline attendance. I wish them well. I had to just. I was like, I wish them well, even though they're speaking evil on my name.

[Matt]

I thought about, yeah, the evil being spewed yesterday when I left the green room at the mothership.

[Sean]

What happens?

[Matt]

Like, as soon as I leave this room, I guarantee. Yeah, little evil up there. Piece of.

[Sean]

Just five minutes of people making faces at each other, like, not even talking. Yeah, great. Be sick to bug that thing.

[Matt]

It probably is bugged. Probably every time. It probably is. I think the CIA is on Joe Rogan's ass.

[Sean]

Dude.

[Matt]

I was talking to him. I was talking to him. It was funny last night. I was like, we should go to that Oasis concert in Mexico City. And he was like, yeah, so I can go get kidnapped. Good call. I was like, yeah, I forgot. I forgot. Like, I'll get kidnapped right away. Oh, we didn't even get to talk about the Mexican Navy.

[Sean]

What happened? Oh, and it crashed.

[Matt]

You're gonna love it.

[Sean]

That was the Mexican Navy? No. Was that an incursion?

[Matt]

Yeah, they tried to attack. They got stopped by our first line of defense, our bridge.

[Sean]

Is there a belly room? Is there, like a belly room underneath it of just 50,000 weed whacker motors, just.

[Matt]

Bro, did you see the footage of it?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They were standing on the mast. They were doing their dudes everywhere. They had someone in the crow's nest, the whole gang. I don't think there was one person piloting the ship. Everyone was standing on the mast. They were, like, holding hands on the mast. It was the first time. I was like, I don't think they know how to ride a boat. They're standing on the wrong part. They shouldn't be up there.

[Sean]

What were they. Were they coming into, like. They're like pirates.

[Matt]

Their booty.

[Sean]

Their booties. Their booty's just jobs are the sights up ahead. Matisse, grab your brooms. Grab your wheelbarrows, Matis. Oh, crap.

[Matt]

Oh.

[Sean]

Just the Mexican Navy.

[Matt]

Yeah, they're stunting on us.

[Sean]

What the fuck?

[Matt]

There's a little show of force. They said, you guys want to talk on Mexico? Check this out. We got cannons. We got a pirate ship.

[Sean]

They were fit to plunder.

[Matt]

They were trying to plunder. They, ah. We ran up ground.

[Sean]

You're just in your house, your wife, you're like, get back. I got to protect my gerb. Good for my germs.

[Matt]

They did come for the gerbs, but they end up hitting the birds.

[Sean]

The Brooklyn merge, was that the golden dome? Trump was talking about the Brooklyn Bridge.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's our new iron dome.

[Sean]

The golden dome is so funny.

[Matt]

I didn't know he was calling the golden dome. He's calling it the golden dome, dude. He's exactly right. Oh, the golden dome.

[Sean]

That's. Yeah, that's all that's what we need right now. We need domes.

[Matt]

The Mexicans standing on the mass. It's crazy.

[Sean]

That's insane.

[Matt]

Where were they going? Where did they think? I think I heard they were headed to Iceland. For real? They were like, all right, this ship's headed to Iceland next. What? They got hit by a bridge. I felt bad for. The Mexicans were like.

[Sean]

When they crashed in the river, a.

[Matt]

Couple of them died.

[Sean]

Did they really?

[Matt]

Yeah. Dudes standing on the mast. True.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They got. Yeah. Two guys. There's a lady up there.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Matt]

A recruit.

[Gardini]

A young 20 year old and a 45 year old man died.

[Sean]

There's a lady in it. And they're all. They're like official sailors in the Mexican Navy.

[Gardini]

Yeah. Oh, 20, 23. Yes.

[Sean]

Damn.

[Gardini]

They were American, huh? Oh, wait, her name was America.

[Sean]

No, her name is for real.

[Matt]

America.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Rip. That's fucked.

[Matt]

I bet. Not to be rude at this point, objectify somebody who died, but she sounds hot.

[Sean]

Yeah. You. I. If I were. If I were high up in the Mexican Navy, I would name my hottest daughter America for sure.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah. That's. Again. Dang. That sucks. True. You're here. You're like, hey, man, let me see. You're like, dude, my name's.

[Matt]

I'm literally America, actually. I mean, she could have been Captain America.

[Sean]

I didn't know people died. That's crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

I just saw like a quick glance at that bridge, that thing cracking in the bridge, and was like.

[Matt]

And everybody, you know, there's like influencers underneath taking pictures. And then a boat comes and everyone was laughing when they got hit. Literally everyone was down there laughing and running.

[Sean]

Damn.

[Matt]

And the lads were hanging from the mast. They're tied. I think they were like, tied up there.

[Sean]

Probably tied up.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah, probably lanyards going on.

[Matt]

Dang, that sucks too. Because you're up there fucking hanging onto a master going. I guarantee we're going to hit that bridge. You had a lot of time to be like, we're headed right at that bridge. There's no way we're getting under that.

[Sean]

Yeah. Drop the anchors.

[Gardini]

This article says them being up there is a tradition, which is a traditional ritual. They're secured by harnesses to the.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Gardini]

Top with their arms wide open. And I don't.

[Sean]

Their arms wide open. That's the Mexican constitution. It's just the OSHA 30, man. Dude, that is fucking wild. Dude, a helicopter crashed into Hosses backyard. Yeah, dude, a helicopter. He sent me a picture. Crash landed in his backyard. I think. I think they survived. But imagine if all places are crashing a host.

[Matt]

The most. The biggest. He must have been going nuts.

[Sean]

Oh, dude. Just hammered. Hammering you with quite. What the. What the hell are you guys doing out here? You wake up, you're like, oh, what the.

[Matt]

He's like a Jack Russell. Yeah, he is like. A car comes in front of his house. He must sprint around the house. Who is that?

[Sean]

What's going on here? Yeah, crashing. Crashing in the horse's world is so funny, man. Yeah. I don't know what the hell's going on.

[Matt]

They died. They're probably like, oh, this is the hell. This is the devil. What were you guys even thinking?

[Sean]

You can't drive. What the hell's going on? You're like, no. Yeah, man, that's. I don't know what's going on with people. Is it. Is it the smartphones, dude, you think.

[Matt]

It'S 5G taking down the.

[Sean]

Or just the distraction? Or again, it's like there's the thing like this always happens, but. But also like, like, because they say like when things happen, the media starts to focus on them. But it's also like, dude, that's two crashes in just the northeast Philly or what? No, he doesn't live in Northeast Philly. He lives out there. But there was one in northeast Philly. In the Philly area.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

There's been two crashes. It's like, I've never heard of that, man.

[Matt]

I think about that jet a lot. Oh, God. That thing came steaming.

[Sean]

Yeah. Exploded.

[Matt]

It was a rocket.

[Sean]

The hell's going on? Yeah, I mean, I just. Every year I'm hopeful, I go, please, man.

[Matt]

I think I'd rather be on the rocket than the Mexican boat, though. The rocket was fast. The boat you just harnessed to a mast. Seeing The Brooklyn Bridge come at you for 20 minutes. Yeah. Going.

[Sean]

I don't know. Apparently Asian pilots have a big problem. I was actually. When I. When I. No, no, I swear to God. Because of. Of the, like, honor culture, we. When you were gone. I didn't. I, like, just did one of those zooms with a bunch of bros, and there's a guy in air traffic control. It's pretty sick. He zoomed in from air traffic and in the town he was in the tower.

[Matt]

That's not good.

[Sean]

No, he said. And he did. He's like, 09 Rogers the guys. I got any. You dig?

[Matt]

Jesus Christ.

[Sean]

But Jesus Christ. But he was saying that there's a problem with the, like, honor codes among Asian pilots.

[Matt]

Older pilots. Yes. And young. Yeah. Yeah. This is a common thing.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Where they're, like, they can't speak up against an older guy. That's up.

[Sean]

Yeah. There's an epidemic of just single anime beads.

[Matt]

I don't know how true that is, because I've heard it.

[Sean]

Really?

[Matt]

It's. Yeah, it's like an urban legend, I think. Oh, well, I knew it before you told me it. I've heard this. I know it's their culture, but I don't think it's true. I really doubt it's true.

[Sean]

I don't know. Dude. They stab themselves in the bellies, dude.

[Matt]

I don't think they've been doing that for a long time.

[Sean]

They don't stab themselves in the bellies.

[Matt]

They stop doing that. I think. I think if you're in a plane crash or, like, something's up in 2025, I think honor goes out the window. I hope. Dude, they got, like, K pop, and now they're not. You're thinking old Asians.

[Sean]

Yeah, but that's the easier.

[Matt]

Young age.

[Sean]

You're thinking cool, hip, young Asians with sunglasses being like, oh, yeah.

[Matt]

No, but they have that. That's in their world. They have anime and now.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt]

They're. They're all about disrespect. They've turned bad boys. The hats turn backwards. They're bad boys. Isn't all anime about, like, a young guy being like, I'm no longer your pupil.

[Sean]

Yeah. But then he has to undergo tests at, like, you know, it's all about tests.

[Matt]

I think the big test is. Is the plane going down? It's time for me to rise up and go, please hit that button.

[Sean]

You gotta go super cyan to tell the older.

[Matt]

Left engine's out. Oh, I said it. Yeah.

[Sean]

I'm telling you. I used to witness It. When I worked in the Korean beer distributor, the guy would like, bro, I'm not lying. He was. He was the boss of the whole place. He owned it. And he would put his feet up on one of those little plug in radiators. And I watched him knock a cup on the floor. And like another guy, younger guy, came and picked it up. He just went like that. And I was like, damn. Didn't say a word.

[Matt]

Just like, oh, Sue, I think you could do that here.

[Sean]

You think I can lure it out?

[Matt]

I think knock one of those cups over cable.

[Sean]

I could.

[Matt]

God, don't get him.

[Sean]

Now you have his little split thing.

[Matt]

No, he's too rich.

[Sean]

Who does he think I am?

[Matt]

Yeah, he's too rich and powerful. God, he's too rich and powerful.

[Sean]

Two more. Two more years of this Spotify money and I will be Lord.

[Matt]

They are moving in on us, gaining strength.

[Sean]

He's gathered a small army.

[Matt]

He is gathered. They're moving in. They wait patiently. They go. One of these guys are about done.

[Sean]

Just have his apartment having freak offs, you guys.

[Matt]

Lemaire had some freak offs when I was gone for sure.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah. Have you been following that trial at all?

[Matt]

A little. I've been hearing it. I haven't. I haven't. I heard. Did he like to clean up?

[Sean]

So what swabbing you're talking about?

[Matt]

No, that was so. I didn't hear that from the trial. That was. Somebody told me that that was in the trial. So I don't know. I think he swabbed the decks. I think that was one of his things. But we were laughing about earlier, just that poor lady's husband's in the trial. He's listening.

[Sean]

I know, bro, I know.

[Matt]

Now, obviously he's into it.

[Sean]

You think?

[Matt]

Definitely.

[Sean]

Okay.

[Matt]

There's no. There's no way, day one, you would have went, I'm out. Yeah. He's obviously like, I knew this about her.

[Sean]

Yeah, true.

[Matt]

I would like. I would like a. You know how they do those, like, courtroom drawings. It'd be funny to have him in the back. Like, dark red face of smoke coming out of his ears.

[Sean]

Oh, no, his thought bubbles coming out of his head. Yeah, that's pretty wild because. Yeah, they're like, that's the defense, I guess they're hitting her with like. And you. This guy too, right? She's like, yes, I did.

[Matt]

The problem is there's so many texts of her, like, saying she liked it.

[Sean]

Getting freaky.

[Matt]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sean]

I didn't know that.

[Matt]

So there's a. Yeah. And they Called him fos. She would be like, when's our next fo? She would be like, yo, we need to do a freak. She would, like, be like, damn. Did he. Please, did he. Apparently, allegedly. I have no idea.

[Sean]

Yeah, no, there was. Yeah, they're. They're.

[Matt]

Bill.

[Sean]

That's the whole case being like, bro, the problem was he lied about hitting her and that video of him beating her came out. Which again, if you're a diddy's defense, you go, okay, he hit his wife. Sorry. Like, let's press charges on that. But not sec. Not sex trafficking. So that's. But yeah, the texts are damning.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

But I. I saw there was a thing from his former assistant that stated like, you know, he got in there and they were like, bro, we're. We're. This is his kingdom. We're here to serve. And then it like kind of jumped to the fact that there's a video of him dancing around like a fool on Molly. He said he was. And they're like, were you partying? He goes, I was drunk off the Ciroc. I had taken Molly.

[Matt]

Don't name your.

[Sean]

I was diddy flipping. He literally. He was diddy bopping. He goes, I was diddy bopping. And he literally, in front of the judge under oath, goes, yeah, I was vibing. Like, he was vibing at the fo. But he goes, he kind of like. I don't know if he was trying to paint the picture. Like, he was kind of forced on you to like party down like that, which is like, you could have just said no. Yeah, he was like, I kind of had to vibe in order to keep the job. So that's not. It's kind of. It's kind of starting to look like from my perspective, that everyone was having a great time at these diddy parties, which I've said all along. I'm like, look, there might have been evil, evil stuff going on, but I do think people were partying down. It's, you know, it's a giant or drug fueled orgy.

[Matt]

Yeah. They're talking about like four day sex parties.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

For an hour.

[Sean]

I don't think so.

[Matt]

You go, this blows.

[Sean]

It's. It's so much.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

No, this is like when you need like stimulants and electrolytes.

[Matt]

Three minutes. You better get yours because I'm gonna get mine.

[Sean]

I'm about to freak off right now.

[Matt]

Freak. I had a couple freak offs. I've been in a hotel for a week. I was having nothing but freak offs down in Atlanta.

[Sean]

You're getting electrolytes.

[Matt]

I was getting. I was just jacking off in a hotel room for 10 days.

[Sean]

Swabbing the deck.

[Matt]

Sometimes you gotta swap the deck like a cat before bed. You got like, man, oh, man.

[Sean]

Yeah. That trial, I guess that's gonna fall apart, I guess, you know, if you get the texts. Because again, the sex trafficking has to be. They have no idea. Like, you have to be tricking them into taking them.

[Matt]

I. We get a little. I feel like we throw around sex trafficking a lot.

[Sean]

It's definitely.

[Matt]

State lines are really.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You know, yeah.

[Sean]

But it's also like. Yeah, it's definitely broadened.

[Matt]

So if I call a lady from, you know. Yeah. Montana.

[Sean]

Yep.

[Matt]

And I don't explicitly say I want to have sex.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Then we have sex.

[Sean]

It's. You're in. You're in the gray area. If you say, hey, let's just sit here and you want to chill and watch a movie?

[Matt]

Do you want to watch me play Xbox for a weekend? Trafficked, Congratulations. You've been trafficked by the best.

[Sean]

I thought we were going to get. I thought we were going to game.

[Matt]

You just got tricked by one of the all time traffickers.

[Sean]

Yeah, it's pretty. It's pretty wild, man. But yeah, I don't know. Here's my. The thing is, if he, if he gets off, like say he, you know, say his defense, you know, they rally, they get them all.

[Matt]

He's gonna have to team up with. Yay. If he gets.

[Sean]

That's exactly what I was saying.

[Matt]

He's gonna have to.

[Sean]

There's no choice. He's gonna have to become a Nazi.

[Matt]

I mean, either way, he might have to become a Nazi if he goes to jail or right now that he's in full Nazi territory, he just has to be a Nazi. I wonder if Kanye's music has reached the prisons.

[Sean]

I think so. I think they're getting.

[Matt]

I wonder if the. He could unite the ABs and the blacks. Whoa.

[Sean]

And the whites.

[Matt]

Latinos are in trouble. If the blacks.

[Sean]

The whites are aligned with the Mexican navy as well. In prison, the Mexican navy, the whites and the Mexicans ride together.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Sean]

He could unite the factions. I mean, again, you know, people keep acting like that's genuinely a summer banger. It's like it's not a summer banger. Let's be real.

[Matt]

Yeah, you're right. I don't think it's.

[Sean]

That is. You think that's the summer. I mean, again, I'm not putting you in the hot seat.

[Matt]

The only. I'm not in the hot seat. But I'm pretty sure he sampled all quiet on the western front. And that's all it took for me. I've been waiting for somebody to sample that noise. It happened to be in the worst song possible. But first time I listened to it, I heard the D and I was like, oh, here it comes. And then it went right into.

[Sean]

I was like, oh, when that den and N kicks in. I remember I saw the video being premiered on one. Like the guy straight. One of the streams.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

And I remember being like. But then it goes right back into.

[Matt]

Just quiet on the Western front. Something.

[Sean]

Oh, that's kind of tight.

[Matt]

I think that's it. Right?

[Sean]

He's.

[Matt]

I haven't heard anyone bring it up, which I'm surprised they haven't.

[Sean]

I didn't know that was all quiet.

[Matt]

In the Western front as soon as I heard it. So that has to be the sword, you know, Stop doing this to me. Yay. Don't make it the coolest thing possible. Yay. Can somebody play the music? The Kanye. It is the All Quiet. Yeah.

[Sean]

Oh, wow.

[Matt]

I knew it. I could feel it.

[Gardini]

I could feel it.

[F]

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[Sean]

I mean, yeah, and yeah, he. He could if. If he's got something else up his sleeve. Because that's obviously my thing is like.

[Matt]

No, it just came up right away on my.

[Sean]

Yes.

[Matt]

All right, I can't play it.

[Sean]

But that's the thing.

[Matt]

What I'm saying is pretty easy to find. If I open Twitter, it's playing.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah, it's everywhere. My thing is if he. If he dropped one that you can actually play somewhere. That would have been, I think, kind of devastating. Obviously, you know, he got. He got his message across loud and clear with his song. But I'm saying, from what I. I mean, I don't know why I'm even saying, like, he needs him. He needs to come out with a more broadly popped popular. I think he's over that. I think he's been there, done that. Now he's kind of more in a niche.

[Matt]

Yeah. Now he's. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah. People were wondering how he was going to top I Suck My Cousin's Dick.

[Sean]

No one's even talking about that.

[Matt]

People are going, there's no way he can top that.

[Sean]

Yeah. Imagine announcing that to the world. And then the next week, everyone's like, yeah, yeah, that. Check this out. You're like, it's pretty wild.

[Matt]

People aren't bringing that up. He might have regretted I Suck My Cousin's Dick song and going, we gotta hurry up and get in the studio. We gotta make these people forget about Suck My Cousin's Dick song.

[Sean]

Yeah. But, dude, where did he find the guys in the video? You see the dudes in the wolf costumes?

[Matt]

They're down, bro.

[Sean]

I mean, for sure.

[Matt]

Those guys are all about it.

[Sean]

It's crazy. That's a weird casting call. It's like, bros, let's go. Is his casting call was. Yeah, man. I think you said, man blacker than LeBron minimum. Which is such a funny. I think. I don't know if it was that exactly, but no, I wasn't AI.

[Matt]

No, those were. Those are real Nazis, those dudes.

[Sean]

That's a silent. That's been a silent battle for a while.

[Matt]

That's gonna be tough for you, Lemaire, with your will be Goldberg view sensibilities.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's gotta be hard for you to see this.

[Gardini]

It's been. I haven't even. I've been off Kanye for, like, two years now.

[Matt]

I know.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Is it awesome, you're saying?

[Gardini]

Yeah. I haven't even heard this song yet.

[Sean]

Our Uber driver. Oh, you got the Nazi song.

[Matt]

God damn.

[Sean]

Our Uber driver was just blasting Kanye. So he was, you know, he's not awesome.

[Matt]

I'm still listening to Kanye.

[Sean]

Yeah. Songs are great. Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Songs are great. They were. Yeah. It was a nice little playlist he had going on.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Matt]

The problem is with the new song is it does get stuck in your head a little.

[Sean]

It completely does.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

It's fun showing my wife. I was like, check this out. She just got to be like, what the.

[Matt]

It is fun to show people.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Like, there I was so happy. He goes, I haven't heard it yet. I was like, oh, you haven't heard it yet? Wait till you hear this. You're literally not gonna believe it. While it's playing, you're gonna go, so.

[Sean]

Wait, is he a billionaire or not? He keeps saying he's a billionaire. Then I hear, like, he just, like, doesn't even have. He can't have a bank account. That'd be tough to.

[Matt]

I think he's allowed to have a.

[Sean]

Bank account again, Kenny.

[Matt]

Yeah. I think they took it away the first time.

[Sean]

That's crazy.

[Matt]

That was crazy. Yeah.

[Sean]

You can't do that. We got to pass law. Or you can't. You can't do that.

[Matt]

You can't take everything from someone.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You can't just take bad words.

[Sean]

Bank account. Yeah. That's crazy.

[Matt]

Well, that only happens in certain situations, but.

[Sean]

Yeah. Well, he's.

[Matt]

Matt.

[Sean]

Wait a second.

[Matt]

Hold on. Who's that? One group, Matt. All right, let's switch this.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

What else is going on? Nate was defending Angel Reese with me in a text. That was pissing me off. Nate loves Angel Reese. Nate's gay.

[Sean]

Yeah. Caitlyn threw a shot, man.

[Matt]

Angel Reese flopped. It was just a regular basketball play. Come on, man.

[Egan]

I wasn't defending Angel Reese.

[Matt]

I.

[Egan]

Not once. I just.

[Sean]

Huh?

[Matt]

I got a feeling. I got a feeling Lise is a Caitlyn Clark lover. Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Egan]

I wasn't. I wasn't. That was a she. She did a. She pushed her in the back and then kind of flopped. Caitlyn's all small compared to Andrew.

[Matt]

She definitely flopped.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Egan]

Nah.

[Sean]

Well, she was a. It looked like she was attacking, and she was, like, doing a hard fail. It was a hard fail to make.

[Matt]

Sure you couldn't get the shot up.

[Sean]

And then Clark was, like, kind of broke in, like, get off her.

[Egan]

She made a play on the ball and everything. Like, it. That was.

[Matt]

That was.

[Egan]

That shouldn't even have been. I think they gave it a. Like a flagrant foul or something like that.

[Matt]

Or.

[Sean]

It was. It was a pretty. It's also. It's girls basketball. Yeah. It was a hard fail.

[Matt]

It was the trump card every single time. Anytime people get, like, a heated argument about this, you go.

[Sean]

What are we doing here?

[Matt]

Talking about girls basketball.

[Sean]

Guys. What are we even doing here right now? Let's go look at some trucks, some big boys.

[Matt]

We could look at big boy toys.

[Sean]

We could be looking at big boy toys, and we're bickering, but, yeah, That's. I mean, it's kind of nice that. That's. Were you guys excited at all to see Angela Reese beating up on Angel? Angel. Oh, my bad. Angel Reese beating up on Caitlin Clark. Be honest, when you saw it, did that like, stoke any, like, tribalism?

[Lamar]

No, not.

[Matt]

Not you.

[Sean]

Not you, dude.

[Lamar]

We're all black production staff now. Did you hear about that?

[Sean]

What?

[Lamar]

Red haired people are black now. It's a big.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah, I thought I saw that.

[Lamar]

True as. No, I did not.

[Matt]

Like, damn, it is fucked up. You're the only white member of the production and you're the richest and the only one that gets paid a million dollars. That's crazy. The other guys get paid in Chipotle every other week. Chipotle every other week is good. Dude.

[Sean]

You are the coo, dude. Chief operations officer.

[Matt]

You are. He's a heart and soul of this. It'll be funny to edit all this out. Anytime we talk about you being rich, just edit it. I'll never notice. I'll never know.

[Sean]

It's crazy. Yeah, that's. I saw that go. What else is going. Is any. Is there any, like, controversy? The sports world. Quiet now. It was all Shadur Sanders.

[Matt]

Then it was now it's this week. It was Caitlin Clark, Angel Reese.

[Sean]

Yeah, that was the big one.

[Matt]

Because black pundits started going back and forth.

[Sean]

What were they fighting about?

[Matt]

RG3. RG3 was just saying Angel Reese clearly is jealous and hates Caitlin Clark. And then Ryan Clark jumped in and was like, you have a white wife. Dude, shut the up. And then black people had to pick sides.

[Sean]

Damn.

[Matt]

Yeah, you can. You can speak on wnba.

[Sean]

I can.

[Matt]

You're allowed to. I'm not. You're the only one in the room who can speak on wnba. I know you can't. Yeah, I know you can't either be. No one in the room can talk wnba. Other than that, just me.

[Sean]

Did you see the clip of Cameron and Mace talking about Paul Pierce? Paul Pierce's remarks about why NBA players like 10 to date white women?

[Matt]

No. What was it?

[Sean]

Dude, it was the first like two and a half minutes. Mace was, I guess, remote zooming in from like an Airbnb. And then they had. I forget the other guy's name. I. I don't know who he was, but I believe he was a basketball player. But he. They both have. Well, nice. Doesn't have a black. They both have black wives. And so when they're asking about, like, what do you think about that? They both laughed and neither of them would talk Like. And he's like, well. And they kept like, go ahead and take this. And then Cameron was. Cameron kept it real. So he goes, you approve of the point, dude? You got the pit boss leaning right over you.

[Matt]

The.

[Sean]

Cameron started talking about how he loves using it to his advantage with white women. Like, you did hold my people down. Go get me a sandwich. It was funny just watching them giggle for two minutes.

[Matt]

They're the funniest times ever.

[Sean]

They're unbelievable. They're on unmatched.

[Matt]

Yeah, we gotta get. We gotta get them on the. We gotta get them on the pot.

[Sean]

They're so good. But, yeah, it was just Mason. A kitchen just kind of like, oh, it's pretty complicated because I can't talk right now. It was unbelievable. But that's a big thing that pops up. There's a lot of black dudes that are. They get a. They just go online and they're just like, this is why we date white. And they love just bashing queens. Dude.

[Matt]

They do bash the Queensland. They talk about how white women are subservient. Yeah, they talk about that a lot. Yeah, I've heard Charleston White go off on it. It was very funny. It was really funny.

[Sean]

Yeah, it was a. It was very fun. It was very fun to watch them just kind of dancing around an Airbnb just being like, yeah, you go ahead and take it now. You go. He goes, look, man, I'm. I've been happily married. I don't know about this, but, you know, it was really funny. But it is a hot issue, man. It sucks. My thing is, like, it sucks. You can't, like, just to have like some, you know, smut, like, put towards your way for having a white wife. That's, you know, that hurts my heart.

[Matt]

It's crazy. You guys need to work on that.

[Gardini]

Why is it.

[Matt]

Why is it.

[Gardini]

Why is it our fault that the white lady's like us?

[Sean]

It's not your fault.

[Matt]

You. You like them.

[Gardini]

I say it's a mutually benef.

[Matt]

I think. I think people like people.

[Gardini]

People love people. Yeah. I also think RG3 is right. Ryan Clark was kind of being a dick because he was wrong. He went nuclear because he was wrong.

[Matt]

There's nothing wrong with that. Losing an argument and going, you know what? You have braces. I see why. I see why RC hit the jacked on the combo. I'm going to change the topic right now. Don't you have a boy wife.

[Sean]

Playing in the snow? Shannon Sharp. Shannon. The Sharp got frostbite.

[Matt]

Yeah, he got. He was out in the cold too long. Whatever happened with that?

[Sean]

They're still in court.

[Matt]

They're still in court.

[Sean]

Yeah. Black guy is out of court.

[Matt]

Speedy trial for that. He's not getting a speedy trial.

[Sean]

Goddamn free all the black guys for getting some. Forget if it wants to.

[Matt]

Yeah. They're finally getting. And now the goddamn entire judicial system's weaponized against them. Can't lick come off your wife anymore.

[Sean]

You can't hire a bunch of male prostitutes on your wife and lick it.

[Matt]

All up at a bunch of come off your wife.

[Sean]

Did anyone even check if any of these were his birthday party? What if it was his birthday weekend?

[Matt]

Your honor, it was his birthday. Talking about, I need to talk to my attorney. That one was actually my birthday. Struck that from the jury. Disregard that. That was his birthday.

[Gardini]

Those male prostitutes had to be super hyped to like show up. And Cassie's there because Cassie's like top 10 most.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Male prostitutes are only top 10 most beautiful women in the world.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And they're not anymore. Their stock has plummeted.

[Sean]

Also as a male prostitute most. Your day is like blowing. Gay guys, they gave finally, you know, you get the call, you go, jesus Christ, thank God. I've been swabbing the deck all day.

[Matt]

Swabbing the deck. And then you get in there, you see Cassie, you go, this is gonna be great. And then Diddy comes out of the closet. Oh, I'm gonna have to swab the deck again. God damn it.

[Sean]

Dang that. What a battle in court. Just the most like, harrowing sexual experiences just coming to light. You go, haha. Got her. Oh, I remember that. Just back and forth for the whole country stuff.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's a nightmare.

[Sean]

It's genuinely nightmare.

[Matt]

It could be why Epstein killed himself. Maybe it wasn't. He had too many secrets. He was just like, this trial is going to be so embarrassing. I've seen so many texts that just suck. That would keep you awake at night.

[Sean]

You go, dude, that one clip of the egg shape, that was a brutal.

[Matt]

Yeah, egg shaped dong.

[Sean]

Egg shaped dong was brutal.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah. You know what? I'm done with this.

[Sean]

We can talk about me being a child sex predator all you like. Don't talk about my egg shaped penis.

[Matt]

Leave my egg out of this.

[Sean]

That's it. That's it.

[Matt]

That's enough. I've had enough. You put enough on my name today.

[Sean]

You've crossed the line. Yeah, man, it's like, it's crazy. We're living under a like a genuine surveillance state anymore. It's Just like not saying you should have giant freak offs and, you know, drug ladies and allegedly. But it's like, yeah, you know, you really can't let your hair down anymore, man. Keep it buttoned up. We're living under a giant Panopticon.

[Matt]

Used to be able to have fun.

[Sean]

You should be able to fly under the radar. Let's say that now.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Although I always assumed that's kind of what every celebrity was doing when I was younger. I just imagined you're in a mansion full of naked women doing drugs. It's kind of what I thought when they were like, did you get this? It's like, yeah, yeah. That's what I thought.

[Matt]

It is crazy that it did. I mean, we talked about. But the fact that every black dude on earth was saying every rapper was gay.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And we were like, what the are they talking about?

[Sean]

I dude, it was like, you guys are crazy.

[Matt]

God damn. They nailed it.

[Sean]

That was. That was like they were saying this 15 years ago.

[Matt]

Yeah. There's like three that aren't gay and they're chirping like, 50 is it? Must feel so good, Method man, just to be like, I wasn't one of the gay ones.

[Sean]

Yep. It's gotta feel good just to be like, yep, wasn't there.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Sean]

Even getting caught in the crosshairs of.

[Matt]

It, it's just like, could have happened to any of us. I would have gone to a diddy party in a heartbeat, bro. Not knowing what was gonna happen. If I got there and there was a freak off, I would get the out of there.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Just because I'd be. I'd be totally embarrassed and humiliated.

[Sean]

True. I'd be just a young sapling in the redwoods.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

I'm out of here.

[Matt]

I need a little sunlight. You guys are hogging all the sun. Some male stripper would come over and go there off of me. What is this kind of party? Is this.

[Sean]

That'd be so funny to have to go. You're the star witness. You're like, what happened? Be like, I went there and I just got jerked off by a guy.

[Matt]

God. Tugged me and I ran. I ran out of the house crying.

[Sean]

He tugged me.

[Matt]

I, you know, he tugged me. I started swinging like a pig. Raced race out of the party.

[Sean]

And that's when my butt plug fell out.

[Matt]

I everywhere. And I don't sprint.

[Sean]

I double back for my vibrating raccoon tail butt plug.

[Matt]

And damn, if you. If plug fell out, you dumped. They'd get. Freaks would come out of the walls like cockroaches and clean it up. Where am I? Four days of drugs and said, dude, what are we talking about? You go on a four day bud light bender, you go, oh, yeah, man. Think about doing drugs and getting tugged and butt sex. You know how tired you must be.

[Sean]

That's crazy, Tony. They have like, you need like IVs and you need like IVs. Yeah, it's insane not eating. You're like laying there, the next morning you're eating.

[Matt]

Must be hell in there too.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah. Unless I. I don't know a single person who's ever. That's just movies where they're eating a turkey leg and having sex. I don't know.

[Matt]

They're probably doing that.

[Sean]

Sex eating.

[Matt]

Yeah, but yeah, a lot of grapes. People handing you grapes.

[Sean]

Usher's bowl of cherries. That's my favorite footage of Usher allegedly destroying marriages. Do you ever see those cherries? Yeah, just.

[Matt]

It's evil, bro, but they're.

[Sean]

It. Cherries is weird because when he holds them up, they look like a little boy's testicles. And there's just a 40 year old lady, like, just swirling around.

[Matt]

Cut that out.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's. It's kind of, you know, it's not really a responsible behavior. No, dude, imagine seeing your babe. Do you see some of that footage, dude? They're like, like eyes closed, like, like grunting. It's like, what the man? Like, I get it.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's Usher. It's Hershey. It's Hershey.

[Sean]

It's public record.

[Matt]

It does have herpes. So allegedly, that's why he uses.

[Sean]

That's why he uses the bowl of ch. Yeah, allegedly. By the way, allegedly, there's a guy who claims Usher gave him herpes through J sex.

[Matt]

What is going on with these fellas?

[Sean]

I don't know, dude.

[Matt]

Are the honks innocent? Are the honks quiet during all this? The Hawks are awfully quiet right now.

[Gardini]

Being quiet. But, you know, there were some. There's some.

[Matt]

We had Epstein's Island. We had the Bieber.

[Lamar]

Bieber's on one since the trial started. He's been acting out.

[Sean]

He's been acting.

[Matt]

I don't even think he's acting. I don't know. I've seen it. I think he doesn't seem that crazy. He's posting on Instagram.

[Lamar]

I've just seen. Yeah, maybe I've seen little clips here and there.

[Sean]

He's just faded. I saw some of that too. And he's just kind of. Yeah, yeah, he's just. He's just standing in his room Kind of like with his hat like this. Just kind of, like, rapping to himself, kind of high.

[Matt]

Yeah, a lot of people are.

[Sean]

Yeah, a lot of people are.

[Matt]

I don't understand the Beaver hysteria, who.

[Sean]

Seems kind of crunk.

[Matt]

I just think he's crunk right now.

[Sean]

I mean, I'd be getting crunk if everyone was like, are you okay? And you're like, what? The whole Diddy thing. But get the out of my face. Yeah, yeah, I'm getting crunk right now.

[Matt]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not worried about anything. I'm crunk. Why is everyone asking if I'm all right? I've been crunk this whole time. Nothing worse than being crunk. And someone goes, are you all right? Yeah.

[Sean]

Nothing would crush my vibe.

[Matt]

What the. I thought we were having a good time.

[Sean]

You're at the club just having a good time. Just the IG Live.

[Matt]

And someone comes up to me goes, you should go home. You go, oh, I thought I was killing it tonight.

[Sean]

He does rule. I thought about it. Is there. I saw something trying to say, like, he lost all of his money and this and that. I'm like, dude, Beebs is a legend. He's killed it. Full support of Beavers.

[Matt]

We support the Biebs. Yeah, boy.

[Sean]

But, yeah, it was. Yeah, I was a little sensitive in my hotel room. I was going. I saw that clip like, he lost all of his money. And I was like, like. And leave a man alone.

[Matt]

I bet he didn't.

[Sean]

Yeah, that was. I was saying, I'm like, dude, it's almost impossible.

[Matt]

Yeah, he has a lot of money. Well, that's probably worth 200 million. Yeah. He's all right, then. Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah. 200 mil. They're like, he lost all of his money. Now he only has 200 million. It's like, it'll be all right. He's got enough to get Crunk on IG Live. He's good. He's good.

[Matt]

Yeah. If you have 200 million, you're gonna get Crunk on IG Live.

[Sean]

And at any point, he can go do a tour and make that is all better.

[Matt]

All this behavior is better than Zuckerberg's outfit. That's a guy who's losing his mind.

[Sean]

Does. Does he. I don't know if this is true. Does he live in, like, an underground, like, cave in Hawaii?

[Matt]

I think he bought a ton of. Yeah, I think he bought an island.

[Sean]

Zuck might have a tunnel. Dude, Zuck's tunneling. He's tunneling.

[Matt]

You got the best tunnel.

[Sean]

I don't know if that's a Jewish.

[Matt]

Man'S dream, I'm going to get a beachfront tunnel.

[Sean]

Does he look that up? Because I did see some sort of diagram. I didn't watch it.

[Lamar]

He lives in a ranch of 5,000 square that. He lives in a ranch in Hawaii that has a 5,000 square foot bunker.

[Matt]

The damn. That is nice. When you upgrade your tunnel so much, they have to call it a bunker. Finally, the Jewish bunkers under New York sounds a lot better.

[Sean]

It does. Dang. That's crazy.

[Matt]

Tunnels. Sucks.

[Sean]

That would be sick though, just arguing with your wife and just being like. Just retiring to the.

[Matt]

I'm going to the bunker.

[Sean]

Just go like 40, 400ft underground.

[Matt]

Down there. Screaming, she can't hear you in the bunker.

[Sean]

Se Chapo just pop into your living room.

[Matt]

You're like, what, the Chapo? Yeah, the Mexican. The Jews must have bumped into each other.

[Sean]

They probably. The heck are you doing down here?

[Matt]

Yeah, that's nice. I understand the tunneling though.

[Sean]

Yeah. Get down there.

[Matt]

So you remember when it would snow when you were a kid? You go, I'd love to build a tunnel.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[Matt]

It's like the way Billy likes big boy toys. Yeah, I bet Jewish dudes, you're like, why are you telling? They're like, I don't know. I just. This is like my favorite thing.

[Sean]

Yes. I like to do it.

[Matt]

It's fun. It's fun to do. Sneaky. No one knows what I'm doing now. I don't know what it is. I just like tunneling underneath New York.

[Sean]

I could be, you know, my house. Next thing I know, no one sees me.

[Matt]

Next thing I know, I just pop up in another house. House. And everyone goes, who the is this guy? Yeah, we can't. We. We're never going to move on. Number one Mexican, Mexican boat hitting the bridge. It's never not going to be funny.

[Sean]

Alz timer.

[Matt]

Jewish guy coming out of the sewer grave. Funniest thing I've ever seen.

[Sean]

God, that would ruin my day. If I was Jewish. Just like eating breakfast, reading the newspaper. And I just saw that a Jewish guy got caught. And it wasn't like. It was like, yeah. And it had to have been like the like, capital Jewish guys with the. The do. I'd be like, bro, dude, I'd call a meeting. I'd be like, guys, figure this out.

[Matt]

This is. Yeah, we gotta talk at the gog.

[Sean]

We gotta hit the gog.

[Matt]

Everyone get to the tunnels. That was. That's probably there. Like, that was kind of ours. Charlottesville was Tough for the honks. Yes, I remember that because we. I vividly remember that we had a podcast. Then we had a live podcast at Helium the night before. And I was like, trump rules. White people are back thinking it was funny. The next day, Charlottesville happened. I was hungover, laying on a couch, watching the news, going, oh, I remember. We should have to delete that podcast.

[Sean]

We changed the title as well.

[Matt]

The title must have been nuts.

[Sean]

You know what the title was? I remember. No, Charlottesville. And I had to change it.

[Matt]

Charlotte it.

[Sean]

I had to change it. I remember that. I forget what I change it to.

[Matt]

We probably had a conversation on the phone just like, dude, I don't know. Yeah, it's hilarious. But I don't think we should do it. Charlotteville. Yeah.

[Sean]

I know. What an idiot.

[Matt]

Dude, the hangover, laying on the couch, watching Charlottesville, just going, oh, damn. I said a lot of crazy last night. I didn't know they're gonna do this today.

[Sean]

Exactly. That's the up.

[Matt]

Nothing we could do about it. We didn't know.

[Sean]

That's what happened to me. When I was in grade school, I. I wrote like, oh, yeah, I copy and pasted some sort of rap lyrics about shooting someone. The next day, Columbine happened. I was like, yeah, God damn. Reported and kicked off aol. Getting kicked off AOL was death zones back then. Imagine, no messenger after school, getting home.

[Matt]

Trying to text her, yeah, I am. I am.

[Sean]

Yeah, it's a message.

[Matt]

One of the babes, dude, I don't know why. Message you go, oh, I don't think.

[Sean]

The person you get in trouble for this, but I knew someone who had. Who found one of his teachers AOL screen names and just anonymously for a year, just bought, like, very viciously attacked this guy online. Nobody know. I was surprised his classmates knew and they didn't. Nobody snitched. He got pulled into the disciplinarians right away. It was crazy. He got, like, grilled and he was just like. And dude, the. The name was. Oh, my God. What was the Name? Silver Thunder 6420 69.

[Matt]

Was it the kid? The kid's name?

[Sean]

Yeah, Silver Thunder. And it was. It was just his screen name. It's just attacking Silver Thunder. Remember that? Like malt liquor. So Silver Thunder. No, it was just Silver Thunder. 420. Just having that guy calling you F's and B's on the Internet. And then you'd be like, who is this? What's up, F? What's up, B?

[Matt]

Just getting home from a long day of school. All the kids are pieces of you. Go. All right. I'm gonna see what's going on in the World Wide Web. Oh, it's followed me home.

[Sean]

Did you have any teachers in high school that had zero control of the class? Oh, yeah, that was the best, dude.

[Matt]

Almost like all of the teachers, really. Dude, my high school was, like, a poor Catholic school.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah, it was. We had teachers that were making, like, 20 grand a year. None of them were qualified. I don't even think you had to have a teaching degree. Yeah, There was one lady who was. She was. I don't know. She was blind, but I used to. We had doors in the front and back of the classroom. And when she was teaching and I had a period off, I would see how many times I could walk laps through her class before she noticed she'd be teaching. And I would just be walking through the class by, like, the sixth lap, she'd be like, Mr. Gillis, what are you doing in here? She was like a idiot. We had a lady who. Big dog. She was actually. She was funny. She was nice. But actually, she was our science teacher. We went on a field trip, and she was like, what do you guys want to do for lunch? I was like, old Country Buffet. I got a chain on the bus. And she was like, old Country Buffet. She took us to ocb. That's awesome. Yeah, she was awesome. But I would sing Werewolves of London under my breath at all times, while anytime she turned her back, I go. I saw werewolf Chinese. And she'd go, right. Yeah. And then. Oh, fuck. There was a game we played. It was like, cow in the Pen or something, where we would all pick up our desks and surround her. And she was just one of those ladies. I was like, what are you guys doing? Cut it out.

[Sean]

Oh, that's all. That's so sick.

[Matt]

Yeah, she was awesome.

[Sean]

Yeah, we. Every now and again, you would hit the jackpot in high school, Your teacher would be, like, a totally autistic nerd. Like, we could do whatever we want here. We had one guy who was just. Every time he turned around, like, five kids would go. His name was Mr. Horn. Everyone goes.

[Matt]

Knock it off.

[Sean]

It's like, what the.

[Matt]

It's the only way to combat it.

[Sean]

Yeah, exactly.

[Matt]

If you spaz, it's over.

[Sean]

Oh, dude.

[Matt]

Because you have teachers at spaz. Yeah, we had teachers. We had teachers. Spazzle. We had ladies cry constantly. And then. Oh, man, that was the best. When we were growing up, we had a teacher that would cry all the time in spaz. But she also sang in the church choir, and we didn't have a choir, but she would sing at church. We had, like, one lady sing. Did you ever have that?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It was just one woman. They'd play organs and you'd hear a lady. But we. We would always tell her how much we loved her singing. Gentle woman.

[Sean]

Such a good song.

[Matt]

Peaceful dog.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And her and another lesbian teacher would sing it. They would duet it, and we would be like, can you guys. Can you please sing it? And they'd be like, fine. We'd be in the middle of class. We'd be like, can you please sing that song?

[Sean]

Oh.

[Matt]

And she would sing it. We would all laugh. She would do it again. She fell for it every time.

[Sean]

Oh, it's so funny.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

The Ave Maria used to genuinely me up when I was little. I'd be like, just being a monster in church, just, like, checking out babes just around with my brothers, and they'd hit the Ave Maria and I'd be like, God, this is so beautiful.

[Matt]

Yeah, there'd be some nice ones.

[Sean]

The canter. That's their. The canter would belt out. We had that. We literally had an organ lady who would, like, crush sigs between songs. And then we just had, like, you know, canters here and there would come in, strut their stuff.

[Matt]

The we've talked about, I think, before. But the one that always got me was at the end of Christmas mass, they sang Joy to the World. Fired me up every time.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Once it started, I'd be like, oh, it's time to play with my big boy toys. This is the most lit song. It was Charlottesville.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It was too late. It was Liddy.

[Sean]

Yeah. That was sick, dude. When the toys. When you're like, we're finally leaving.

[Matt]

Church is done, dude. Let's get the longest Mass of all time.

[Sean]

Oh, God.

[Matt]

It was one hour, but it felt like an eternity.

[Sean]

It did. Took forever.

[Matt]

A whole bunch of toys at home.

[Sean]

And then the pre. They were like, people start leaving. I look at my mom like, she like, not until the priest goes by.

[Matt]

I'm like, no, you always have to wait for the priest. And then we got to shake his hand out in the.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Narthex. No. What was it called? The. The. A narthex.

[Sean]

The nothing.

[Matt]

I made that up.

[Sean]

It's not the annex. It's. I know what you're talking about. That little area outside.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

What the hell was that called? I. I like blank on that terminology all the time. I'm always kind of like.

[Matt]

What the.

[Sean]

Narthex.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's the narthex. We gotta meet up in northeast to shake the priest.

[Sean]

The narthex is such a crazy. It's all in there as you guys rattling around. Yeah, you have to go shake his hand.

[Matt]

Yeah, you gotta talk to him. We had a guy explain. You gotta explain to the priest while you were talking during mass today. I was bad. And he goes, well, I'm gonna suck your day.

[Sean]

You are a bad boy. We had a guy who was. When he wasn't doing mass, he would chill in the narthex and catch the early defectors and be like, what's the rush? You'd have to just walk by.

[Matt]

I'm like, getting out to the narthex was so nice though. Darn, that's just be like, I have to go to the bathroom. And your parents would be like, no, you. I know you don't have to go.

[Sean]

Dad, I have to shoot that.

[Matt]

Shut the up. Shut the up right now.

[Sean]

I would see my brother go. He would come back and be like, can I go to the bathroom? She's like, you guys should have went before he came. Be real quick. I would literally just walk around.

[Matt]

Yeah, you just go out the NFX go, God damn it. It's nice out here.

[Sean]

It's quiet.

[Matt]

No one's out here. Feel like I'm doing something.

[Sean]

I would see the family standing cuz they didn't get a seat. I'd be like, that's so sick. I want to stand.

[Matt]

So I wish I was standing back.

[Sean]

Standing back.

[Matt]

Yeah. My dad would spend the full hour just the most furious anyone's ever been. Start to finish of mass. He made a noise. Shut the up.

[Sean]

Come here, come here, come here.

[Matt]

You just sit next to him. You go shut the up. He grab you by the back of the neck and dig in and go shut the up. Sing. Sing the song.

[Sean]

It'll be me and my brother as a dad. You get separated out.

[Matt]

Whoever like sent down next to dad. That blows.

[Sean]

Oh, it's sucked so bad. It was nice though. In another one, I'd have another one of my brothers get picked off saying you'd somehow get back together. You'd be like, it's on.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Sean]

Yo, look at her yellow dress.

[Matt]

She's so. Yeah. Dude, it is crazy. Master. Every single boy is just rock hard. The most horny you've ever been in your life and your dad's next to you going, God damn it, dude.

[Sean]

I used to get my sons have boners. All my boys, I would kneel down and go, like this. And just slap my balls against my leg the whole time. Knock it off.

[Matt]

I wonder, you know, I never got around to asking my sisters, but do you think the ladies get fucking horny in there, too?

[Sean]

Definitely.

[Matt]

You think the girls are horny, too? For sure. It must be for absolute sure.

[Sean]

I used to get so bored that the priest.

[Matt]

I would.

[Sean]

It would literally. My vision would go into black and white. I vividly remember staring and just going into black and white and just being like.

[Matt]

Like. Yeah.

[Sean]

Hey, stand up. We're standing up there.

[Matt]

Up. Get your ass off the pube.

[Sean]

Quietly.

[F]

Hey.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Catholic church ruled, jackass.

[Matt]

You guys don't even know.

[Sean]

It was tight, man.

[Matt]

Lamar hates Catholicism.

[Egan]

I went to capital school.

[Matt]

True. You got kicked out for Didian. You had a free golf that kicked you out. Yeah, it used to suck. Catholic church.

[Egan]

Yeah, it used to be so boring. I came from black church to Catholic church, and that was a devastating switch.

[Sean]

It's a hard step down.

[Matt]

Yeah, it is.

[Egan]

And I couldn't. And since I wasn't Catholic, like, I was baptized, but I wasn't Catholic, so I couldn't do Communion. Like, that was just part. So I just had to sit there and just.

[Sean]

Whoever thought you had a mortal sin on your soul? Too embarrassing.

[Egan]

I never got to. They wouldn't let me confess to the priest. I just have to sit. Sit there with my sins.

[Matt]

That sucks.

[Sean]

What?

[Matt]

Yeah, we had church. Did you guys have church during school hours?

[Egan]

Sometimes.

[Matt]

Because that would rock. Every class is gonna be 10 minutes shorter.

[Sean]

Yep.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Me and my boys would belt out, too. It was so fun.

[Matt]

Church and school.

[Sean]

Church in school. First Friday mass, just belting out with.

[Matt]

Your boys, screaming as loud as you can look.

[Sean]

And just be like, I'm singing.

[Matt]

I'm allowed to sing.

[Sean]

What?

[Matt]

Sing the songs. This is how I sing. You don't know how I sing.

[Sean]

It's how I worship. Get off my back.

[Matt]

All right. We should switch over to Patreon.

[Sean]

Bye.