Ep 561 - Beautiful Things

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast: Episode 561 - "Beautiful Things" Summary

Release Date: May 29, 2025

Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Description: Join Matt and Shane on a comedic journey as they navigate through internet trends, pop culture, personal anecdotes, and more in one of the funniest podcasts available.

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1. Catching Up with the Internet (00:00 - 03:00)

The episode kicks off with Matt and Shane discussing their recent hiatus from the internet. Shane humorously laments his newfound online notoriety, stating, “Everyone hates me very much” [00:10]. They delve into current internet trends, highlighting Benson Boone's "hooting and hollering music," which Shane describes as “the funniest” new genre led by Boone [01:33]. They also touch upon celebrities like Steph Curry attending unconventional concerts, adding a humorous twist to pop culture events.

2. Concert Experiences and Pop Culture Critique (02:00 - 05:00)

Shane shares his mixed feelings about attending concerts, using himself as an example: “I've gone to a concert. I've been like, this sucks. Then I'm up there singing at the top of my lungs to Mumford Sons” [02:10]. Lamar contributes by sharing positive feedback about recent Katy Perry concerts based on friends' experiences, countering prevalent "fake news" narratives [02:26]. The conversation shifts to criticize Jennifer Lopez's lengthy dance performance at an award show, with Lamar stating, “I watched her dance. Sucked, dude” [03:13].

3. Dance Culture and Personal Preferences (03:00 - 06:00)

The hosts express their disdain for choreographed dances, particularly those in shows like "Dance Moms." Lamar shares an anecdote about Maya, a dancer unable to attend a prize event due to restrictive policies, leading to frustration: “One toy per card. Bullshit temporary tattoos” [04:07]. The discussion highlights the competitive and often unpleasant atmosphere within dance communities.

4. Historical Anecdotes: The Mayans and Spanish Conquistadors (15:00 - 23:00)

Shane and Lamar transition into a historical narrative about the Mayans and the Spanish, particularly Hernán Cortés. They humorously recount how early Spanish expeditions were thwarted by fierce Mayan resistance: “They would just send guys. And then they would take your boy and fatten him up” [16:07]. The conversation touches on cultural exchanges and conflicts, with Lamar noting, “They loved Mary, dude” [19:31], blending historical facts with comedic commentary.

5. Sports and Playoff Predictions (11:00 - 13:30)

The hosts shift gears to discuss current sports playoffs. Lamar expresses optimism for the Philadelphia Phillies, while Shane leans towards the Indiana Pacers and Oklahoma City Thunder: “I like Indiana. Headed to the Garden” [12:00]. They analyze team performances and make playful predictions, enhancing the episode's dynamic with sports banter.

6. AI and Automation Concerns (38:00 - 40:30)

A brief interlude addresses the impact of AI on jobs, particularly in retail. Shane humorously downplays the threat, claiming, “I'm not worried about AI, dude” [38:27]. They discuss automated cashiers and potential crime prevention measures, blending humor with genuine concerns about technological advancements.

7. Personal Anecdotes and Goop Retention (34:00 - 44:00)

Matt and Shane engage in a candid conversation about personal experiences with sexual health and "goop retention." Matt shares his progress in controlling his urges: “I've been getting raging boners every morning” [34:30]. The discussion navigates sensitive topics with humor, reflecting the hosts' comfort in addressing personal matters openly.

8. Late-Night Show Aspirations and Challenges (55:00 - 65:00)

The conversation shifts to ambitions of appearing on late-night television. Shane expresses anxiety over potential appearances, especially interacting with hosts like Seth Meyers: “It's going to be really bad. There's no way it's good” [61:30]. They reminisce about past interactions and humorously speculate on the dynamics of late-night show appearances.

9. Summer Anthems and Music Commentary (54:00 - 58:30)

Matt and Shane critique contemporary music trends, particularly the quest for the "summer anthem." They discuss various artists and songs, often poking fun at pop culture phenomena: “Nobody parties to that song other than for real. The DNC” [57:54]. The hosts emphasize their dissatisfaction with the current musical landscape, longing for more authentic and engaging summer hits.

10. Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts (58:00 - 67:00)

In the concluding segments, the hosts reflect on personal achievements and future goals. Lamar celebrates breaking his 7:55-minute mile, aspiring to further improve his athletic performance: “Low sevens would be sick” [66:34]. The episode wraps up with humorous exchanges about fitness routines and maintaining personal health, leaving listeners with a blend of motivation and laughter.

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Notable Quotes:

• Shane on internet reputation: “Everyone hates me very much” [00:10].
• Shane on unexpected concert behavior: “If I got dragged to... singing at the top of my lungs” [01:41].
• Lamar on dance performances: “I watched her dance. Sucked, dude” [03:13].
• Lamar on Mayan culture: “They loved Mary, dude” [19:31].
• Shane on AI skepticism: “I'm not worried about AI, dude” [38:27].
• Matt on personal progress: “I've been getting raging boners every morning” [34:30].
• Shane on late-night shows: “There's no way it's good” [61:30].
• Shane on summer anthems: “Nobody parties to that song... The DNC” [57:54].
• Lamar on athletic goals: “Low sevens would be sick” [66:34].

Conclusion:

Episode 561 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" offers a rollercoaster of humor, personal stories, and cultural critiques. From dissecting internet fame and pop concerts to delving into historical tales and personal health journeys, Matt and Shane deliver an engaging and entertaining episode. Their candid conversations and witty exchanges provide both laughter and relatable moments, making it a must-listen for fans seeking humor intertwined with genuine discussions.

Transcript

[Matt]

Wild wild West.

[Shane]

I'm fully in the loop.

[Lamar]

Are you in the loop right now?

[Shane]

I've been home for two days. Three days.

[Lamar]

So you're just completely caught up?

[Shane]

Full Internet for two days.

[Lamar]

What's going on in the Internet?

[Shane]

Well, Matt, turns out I'm a giant.

[Lamar]

Wow.

[Shane]

Wow. Everyone hates. I kept looking it up and turns out people really don't like me very much. But that's not all. There's plenty of other people getting called that going around. MGK is a new music video. That sucks. Made me want to bring a gun to school. What else is going on?

[Lamar]

That'd be a good. You know that Roddy Dangerfield thing where he goes back to college as like a senior shooter?

[Shane]

Hey, you're picking on me.

[Lamar]

Take that. Yeah, true.

[Shane]

He's not getting enough respect from the bullies and the jocks. But no, I've been fully plugged in. I watched. I was really involved in pop culture. There's a guy who scream sings that he says, and I'll be dancing out in California. The kid who got it all wrong. Whoa. You gotta check this kid out. You're gonna like him. I got all types of stuff going on. It's called white. It's been dubbed white. Hooting and hollering music. And it's led by Benson Boone. He's the lead hooting and hollering guy. He's the guy who.

[Lamar]

These beautiful things that I've done. Oh, that guy. Yeah. It's like girl movie music.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Britney has hit me with that song.

[Shane]

Listen, bro, I've been all over the Internet the last two days. Then somebody filmed Steph Curry at a Benson Boon concert with a cowboy hat singing along. And someone was going, oh, Steph Curry sucks. But in Steph Curry's defense, I was thinking about this. If I got dragged to a. I've. I've done it.

[Lamar]

Sure.

[Shane]

I've gone to a concert. I've been like, this sucks. I'm not going to this. Yeah. Then I'm up there singing at the top of my lungs to Mumford Sons. It could happen to anybody.

[Lamar]

It really.

[Shane]

You could take me to an Imagine Dragons concert. I was trying to think of the corniest one to be like a major fan of. I would sing along for sure. I'm waking up.

[Lamar]

I feel it in my body just stomping to the beat.

[Shane]

Yeah. I'd be going nuts.

[Lamar]

Actually, speaking of concerts, I had. I heard some good news. I. I talked to two people who had gone to a Katy Perry concert.

[Shane]

Recently and said she held it down.

[Lamar]

Said it was fire, dude. It said, don't believe the fake news. They said the Katy Perry concerts are. He said, what a performance.

[Shane]

That's good. Yeah, that's good.

[Lamar]

So. Yeah.

[Shane]

Who told you that? Oh.

[Lamar]

One of my bros. They saw kp.

[Shane]

I could see how seeing KP live would, would be a treat.

[Lamar]

Said it was charged up. Not.

[Shane]

She was running around. I saw her running around.

[Lamar]

Running around almost naked.

[Shane]

Yeah, I saw all types of stuff. I saw Jennifer Lopez did a very long dance at an award show. What? Yeah, I watched it. Seven and a half minutes. I watched her dance.

[Lamar]

She did a seven and a half minute dance.

[Shane]

Sucked, dude.

[Lamar]

A lot of the. This could be a media narrative, but, dude, a lot it sucked to watch.

[Shane]

I was ma. The whole time, but then I was, I was getting a little more disappointed myself of how much I just hate dancing.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Like, choreographed dance.

[Shane]

I just came off like a real loser.

[Lamar]

Why?

[Shane]

Like, when someone's like, I hate music.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I was sitting there and I was just like, I, I just hate dancing, dude.

[Lamar]

It's. It's kind of a miserable life, honestly. Dance like, it's a, like, I, My kids go to dance class and it's like, dude, you forget, like, ballerinas are, like, evil. Like, when they get older. They've been, like, screamed at since they were a child.

[Shane]

Beaten.

[Lamar]

Yeah, they've been, dude, it's like, I, I, I've dealt. I've been dealing with some aged ballerina types, and it's like, not the friendliest bunch, dude. Yeah, it's not all, like, tutus and pillays, dude.

[Shane]

They're.

[Lamar]

They're mean, man. And I'm like, sitting there like, damn. I like watching them.

[Shane]

What? A couple black swans, dude.

[Lamar]

For real. I'm taking them out of this dance school, dude. It's like, I don't like it at all. They're just fucking mean, dude. Like Mike. So they. If you fill up your card, you get lights, like six little stars. If you get six of them, you go in the office and they give you, like a present, like a little prize. And, dude, we're talking like, you know, fucking Alibaba, some sort of, like, finger puppet for 2 cents. Bullshit temporary tattoos. And Chloe wasn't able to go to that one. It was just Maya. But they both had filled up their cards and she was like, can I get one for my sister? Her card's full. She couldn't come. She's sick. And the lady's like, one toy per card. And just do. You're talking like this Thing might have been 4 cents.

[Shane]

Jesus.

[Lamar]

And I was just like, jesus Christ.

[Shane]

You should have. You should have assaulted her.

[Lamar]

I should. I should have dumped the bag and like, pick him up.

[Shane]

Should have crawled across the.

[Lamar]

Pick him up. Stand on your toes for 25 minutes and if you move, I'll slap you in the head.

[Shane]

Should have said, you've gained weight. We're sending you back to Siberia. You've gained too much weight, you slob.

[Lamar]

This episode is brought to you by Paramount.

[Shane]

Plus, I've got a wild story for you, Matt. There's this guy, Nathan, and the girl of his dreams is taken hostage. Whoa. He fights to get her back. But here's the crazy thing. He can't feel pain.

[Lamar]

Dude, isn't this the plot of Novocaine?

[Shane]

Yeah, it's the plot of Novocaine.

[Lamar]

The best new action movie. Seriously.

[Shane]

Rated R. Like all the good stuff. Stream novocaine [e-mail].

[Lamar]

Dude, then we. When we turn on my. My TV upstairs, it's like there's. It's like always on a channel now, the channels. I don't know how TV even works anymore. But it's just. They pick one show. There's the Baywatch channel.

[Shane]

There's. Yeah, I'm on Saved by the Bell channel right now.

[Lamar]

We were just watching some say by the Bell. Zach was dating a girl in a wheelchair.

[Shane]

Yeah, he was like, living the dream. We've all discussed it.

[Lamar]

Hey, we can't go to the. What's the guy's Beautiful Things concert?

[Shane]

Yeah, the beautiful.

[Lamar]

They don't have the. They're on the baboon. The real.

[Shane]

There's no steps.

[Lamar]

Got to stay in again and watch movies.

[Shane]

We're going to have to watch Thin Red Line again. You can do that.

[Lamar]

Turns out we have the same time. Do BJ's.

[Shane]

We're going to have to do blowjobs again. And we're going to have to watch war movies. I'm sorry.

[Lamar]

I wish you could walk.

[Shane]

They're going to build a ramp at the stadium in about three years. I sent a letter.

[Lamar]

I wish this wasn't the case. I feel like we're trapped in purgatory right now.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's living the dream. Zach. Zach pulled it off. He's dating. Guarantee the wheelchair chick was so hot in the show.

[Lamar]

She. She was. She was a little nerdy looking, but back for a 90s babe. They hit the 90s babe for sure.

[Shane]

What season was it? I hope I'm not going too early on this.

[Lamar]

No, it was. I know what you mean though it was, you know, you're certainly a pretty girl. I've been watching my channel stuck on Dance Moms, so I put it on and my kids fucking love it. But it's just. It's not like. I don't know, it's like. I don't know what version of this is. Was Dance Moms like white ladies or black ladies? Because this is only black lady Dance moms and it's just them outside.

[Shane]

The algorithm knows your house. I told you La Mer's black ass Netflix, right? It's good. They just have a totally different Netflix than us.

[Lamar]

That's crazy.

[Shane]

It's actually crazy because I don't think you watch the. Do you watch all those shows? Oh, that's right. We've discovered this. Yes.

[Lamar]

That's the Algo goes nuts.

[Shane]

Me and Lamar's grandmother are battling for Netflix supremacy.

[Lamar]

Yeah, dude, the Dance Moms is so funny. It's just literally like ladies standing outside like you like of the dance studio, looking into their kids, trying to figure out like which ones are gonna get picked for the audition. It's just them just in each other's faces like you wait to use. My girl's the best. It's like. And it's just non stop.

[Shane]

That's fun.

[Lamar]

It's pretty fun. I was watching that this morning. I was watching Little Dance Moms this morning. We're getting ready for.

[Shane]

That's good. What's the one it's not. It might not be Dance Moms. Is it pageant? What's that one where the girls are in pageants?

[Lamar]

I think it's Pageant moms or something like that. Yeah, that's a whole other thing.

[Shane]

It's a really great clip where a fat lady gets told to be quiet. She's in a scooter. One of the other moms is like, you need to put your phone down and pay attention. And she just instantly throws her scooter into reverse and go drives outside and goes straight to a police station to report an assault. This is the funniest video. Just her hitting the fucking. And she's like, you need to be quiet.

[Lamar]

She's like.

[Shane]

Hits the reverse.

[Lamar]

I saw a video of a guy on a scooter menacing the block. He was like, resumed up on. Somebody choked, like grabbed them by their throat and put him down. A lady tried to break it up and he hit the reverse and just bang.

[Shane]

Professor X, he was so nice. He was dominating people on a scoot.

[Lamar]

Dominating. This guy must have been a menace.

[Shane]

Back from the scooter.

[Lamar]

Swear to God.

[Shane]

Grab.

[Lamar]

This guy must have been an absolute menace when he was bipedal. Total menace. Because he, like, gripped the guy, dragged.

[Shane]

Him down one hand. Yeah.

[Lamar]

I mean, it was, you know, he was like a fighting heroin addict.

[Shane]

But, you know, that must be nice.

[Lamar]

Dude dominating the block.

[Shane]

Just dominating the bl. Yeah. If you just. If you were, like, a loser enough to be homeless without heroin.

[Lamar]

Exactly.

[Shane]

If you stayed sober and just dominated all the skeletors. Some dude talking to you. You're sitting. There you go.

[Lamar]

Come here.

[Shane]

Get the out of here.

[Lamar]

You could toss those guys around.

[Shane]

You could toss them around like crazy.

[Lamar]

They really could.

[Shane]

And they probably wouldn't get hurt. It'd be kind of. It'd be fun.

[Lamar]

It'd be. Yeah. Be nice, especially. I mean. Yeah. You could just blame them for whatever. Just like, I know you.

[Shane]

Yeah. And then probably that I spent at the bar. They definitely stole everything you have.

[Lamar]

They are like little kids. If you're like, hey, come here. They're like, going through 20 different things.

[Shane]

Like, I'm busted. You, man. You say, come here.

[Lamar]

Yeah, he was getting it in. He was. And did. Backing over. The lady was.

[Shane]

And then he ran over one.

[Lamar]

Just right into her.

[Shane]

Where was this?

[Lamar]

I don't know. It's just on the Internet.

[Shane]

Oh, I thought you saw it. I was like, hell, yeah.

[Lamar]

This is great. I saw a homeless guy with a sword cane in Austin recently. That was freaking me out.

[Shane]

I think I've seen that guy.

[Lamar]

Really?

[Shane]

Does he buy the mothership?

[Lamar]

He was close. He was by, like, the black rabbit.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Lamar]

He had like. I. I was just, like, carrying a box of stuff and heard a lady like, don't poke anyone with that. And I was like. I looked over and this guy had a. Like, dude, the blade was like, that long. And I was like, Jesus freaking Christmas.

[Shane]

Damn. He's just. It's a cool homeless.

[Lamar]

I'm still waiting for the day. Like, they. Four of them test me, and they're like, every time I pass them, I'm.

[Shane]

Like, today could be the day they're gonna test you.

[Lamar]

I'm gonna test my survival.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Lamar]

That must have been crazy. Back in the day, when you've, like, been through, like, four or five life or death battles, the swag would be crazy. I was, like, thinking about that the other day. I was like, dude, my swag would just be different.

[Shane]

If you had survived several beatings, like.

[Lamar]

Several fights to the death. Swag would be nuts, dude.

[Shane]

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. Do you know ball? There's only A few games left in the playoffs and the championship is officially on the line. That means time is running out for you to put your final takes to test to the test on prize picks. The best place to cash in on your favorite sports riffing point. Please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far. Matt, Please talk about what you think of the playoffs so far.

[Lamar]

I'm thinking about these championships right now.

[Shane]

Are there any particular teams or fixtures that you've enjoyed right now?

[Lamar]

For me, dude, the Phillies are rac hot.

[Shane]

The Phillies are red hot. I think they might be talking about basketball or hockey, but for sure. But you're not wrong to be thinking about October right now.

[Lamar]

Yeah, exactly. I'm thinking a lot of guys get.

[Shane]

Lost in the dog days of summer and that's where teams start to rise and fall. I mean, I like where your head's at though. The red hot Phillies need to focus on a red October.

[Lamar]

But in terms of basketball, I'm trying to think who I think could take it all in basketball. The. Not the Knicks. They didn't. They lost.

[Shane]

Now they. They lost last night. Indiana.

[Lamar]

Exactly. So I think Indiana's gonna take that.

[Shane]

I like the. I like the Pacers.

[Lamar]

I do too.

[Shane]

I don't like the way the next handled themselves when they finally won a playoff series. The fans.

[Lamar]

Yeah, I'm. I'm going for the patience.

[Shane]

That's coming from the Eagles. Have some class. The OKC is looking good.

[Lamar]

Thunder.

[Shane]

Yeah, Thunder are looking good.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

That's who I like.

[Lamar]

You think Thunder's going to win?

[Shane]

Yeah, I think so. But it's fun to watch. Halliburton. What the. Howdy.

[Lamar]

Oh yeah. More.

[Shane]

Man, these playoffs have been unreal with crazy things happening almost every night. Crazy things are happening all the time. Do you have the vision to know what will happen next? Let's see what we are cooking up heading into the last few games. I'm going to go playoff matchup. I have my eyes on. Yeah, I like Indiana. Headed to the Garden.

[Lamar]

Oh. For the win for the Sentient.

[Shane]

So if I had to pick I'd say more or more. Halberton.

[Lamar]

There we go.

[Shane]

All right. You heard our picks. Now it's time to lock in your playoff picks of prize picks. This app is really easy use. Create a lineup. All you have to do is pick more or less on a few player stats or your shot to win up 2000 times your money. You could win real money with your best takes. You got to get in on this Prize picks. The best ways to win cash while Watching sports. Join millions of users and sign up today. Download the app today and use code drench to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. That's drenched. To get $50 instantly after you play YOUR first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. No, I'm good. I added a bunch of dates. So July, I'm going to do Oklahoma City, Kansas City. August, I'm going to do Louisville, St. Louis, Detroit, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee. And in September, I'm gonna do Houston, Tulsa, Hollywood, Florida and Orlando. Please come.

[Lamar]

Hell, yeah.

[Shane]

And don't be confused by the ticket pricing. Old djt.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Kid Rock signed a little bill. That kind of me in the ass, if I'm being honest. It takes all the. Takes all the hidden fees and includes them in the ticket price.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So like it shows up as that. It's like, God damn. I was trying to make my prices.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Cheap.

[Lamar]

People were paying that anyway, but they were getting.

[Shane]

We're paying it anyway, but you get a little sticker shock when you see.

[Lamar]

Yeah. What the hell is this Better be funny. Yeah, true.

[Shane]

It's not that. It's not that funny. God damn.

[Lamar]

I'll be at the Improv, The Hollywood Improv, June 25th, and then the Ontario Improv, Ontario, California, June 26th through the 28th. Filming a special. Please come. And then this is a big one. Ovation hall in Atlantic City, New Jersey, August 16th. Yeah, I'm gonna try to come up with some newer stuff.

[Shane]

Is that it? Oceans.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah, it'll be sick.

[Lamar]

So I'm kind of excited for that. So I'm gonna try to blend in some new stuff in case people travel down from Philadelphia, so.

[Shane]

Nice.

[Lamar]

That's it.

[Shane]

All right. Goodbye.

[Lamar]

Told you. I was reading about the Mayans recently.

[Shane]

Yeah, I like that, dude.

[Lamar]

They. That they used to build temples in the ocean. So it would be like a. A stone's throw away. Like you like. They would say that's how far their units of measurement. They would measure the depth of holes by. I forget the word, but it was like the average height of a man. It's seven. A lot of is deep. And they would just be like, it's like six guys deep.

[Shane]

That's good.

[Lamar]

It's really nice. But yeah, they would build these like, temples out, like, you know, 10ft out in the ocean out of limestone. I don't know how the. They did this. And then the.

[Shane]

They were wasting a lot of time.

[Lamar]

I think they really were.

[Shane]

They should have been focused on other things.

[Lamar]

They. Yeah, they could have figured Some other.

[Shane]

Stuff out instead of temples in the ocean.

[Lamar]

Well, they what.

[Shane]

They started to really focus.

[Lamar]

They were just like cutting people's heads off and letting the blood drip down the steps. They would like have like a cool statue of a snake and be like, this thing's. It would be like a snake eating a lion. Like, we gotta get some blood.

[Shane]

We're gonna have to cut some people's heads off.

[Lamar]

We gotta cut some people's heads off.

[Shane]

Who's that village next door that we hate?

[Lamar]

Dude.

[Shane]

Yeah, let's sacrifice those. They'll never join up with anybody that shows up. They'll never finally join up.

[Lamar]

I didn't. I didn't know there was like three or four unsuccessful expeditions before Cortez. Like a couple dudes rolled up and got fucking smoked by the Mayans.

[Shane]

I didn't know that.

[Lamar]

Yeah, they were. They'd roll up like 40 deep and be like, come here, guys. And these dudes would just go bonkers. And they're like, we had the weaponry. We thought they were like, we could get them, but they would just. We were firing shit off our boats at them. And they were like, we don't. They just kept sending guys. And then they would take you would take your boy and they would fatten him up. So the dudes who are in POV pow. Can't be girlfriends.

[Shane]

Girlfriend.

[Lamar]

They would capture you and you would be getting fed non stop. And then you'd slowly be like, they're. They would eat one of your boys and you go, oh, no, dude. I thought they're treating me like a king over here. They would fatten. They would just like they have dudes they captured and be like, he's looking pretty good. He's getting pretty good.

[Shane]

These guys. No offense to any Mayans listening, but these guys deserved what they had commented. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't know they got the. The Spanish got crushed a couple times.

[Lamar]

Couple times. It was like these. They would launch these like expeditions and just end up on the shore. And it would just cannibals freaking out at you. As soon as you rolled up, they'd be blowing darts, throwing at you.

[Shane]

But that's. Yeah, just.

[Lamar]

It was like they were like more explorer types. They would hang out, roll up and be like, oh, this is sick.

[Shane]

And then sometimes small amount took down everybody.

[Lamar]

Oh yeah, Corte. Well, Cortez appeared. I don't know if this is. I don't know if there's multiple Cortez's, but this was a. His name was Cortez. I Forget his first name. But, like, after, like, two or three dudes rolled up and got kind of what for. He was like this. And brought, like, 11 ships and 500 dudes. And then he showed up and they just thought, like, you know, it wasn't even just about, like, his beard.

[Shane]

He.

[Lamar]

I forget what he. Oh, he rolled up and he took the whole village. He took everything. And then he found a guy's. It was like, a nobleman's wife, one of the lord's wives. And he was like, he. They plundered everything. And he contacted. He's like, go back and tell him, like, we're gonna give you back all your stuff. And the villagers all came back and they. All the Spaniards were like, here's all your. We're not trying to. With you. We're just trying to, like, get. We're trying to chill with you guys. And they were like, this dude rules. And I think eventually.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Crushed off.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah. I forget. It's the beginning of guns, germs and steel, which is pretty funny. It's like that they just rolled in on horses and. And they. Yeah. Just opened fire.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Everybody started spazzing.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

They immediately captured the king.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Well, that. That was like. Yeah.

[Shane]

When they told him the Aztecs, it.

[Lamar]

Was one of them. Where they brought him in. It was just him and, like, six dudes in the king's, like, inner sanctum. They were like, dude, you guys are so cool. Your beards are so sick. And then they're like, yeah, cool, man.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's awesome. You want to see our swords?

[Lamar]

The one Cortez, I heard he, like, was kind of chilling with him and, you know.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Getting down. Eventually, they gave him a. A Mayan bride, and he, like. That was like his lady. He started, like, sailing with her, and she would like. Yeah. I don't know if it was the Cortez, the killer or just another Cortez, but, yeah, the flag was sick, dude. It was just the cross. They'd be like, all. All who worship this symbol. Like, worship the symbol and have faith in it, and we will conquer. They would just fly in. They actually quartet. This Cortez was a big missionary. He would go in their temples and just knock their statues down and be like, you guys gotta praise the Virgin Mary. And apparently a lot of them were like, for sure. And when they would go, other Spaniards would pass by some of the villages on boats. They would just go, maria.

[Shane]

Maria. Nice.

[Lamar]

They loved Mary, dude.

[Shane]

That's good.

[Lamar]

Yeah. It's pretty chill.

[Shane]

Yeah. I guess you'd have to kind of believe them, you know? I mean, if you spent your whole life watching everybody get their head cut off, and you're throwing rocks in the ocean to try to build a temple.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Somebody shows up on a spaceship.

[Lamar]

Someone get. Shows up on a giant. Eleven giant boats, and they ride horses off the boat on the beach.

[Shane]

You're just like, bro, yeah, I'm with them. I trust them.

[Lamar]

What. What's. What's your story? And they're like, no, dude, it turns. And they were just like, that's so sick. Because their guy Quetzalcoatl was like, their big. That was like their big dude. Dude, you know what his name was originally Kakulin? Just like the Irish mythological guy Kakulin.

[Shane]

I didn't know that.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Kind of nuts. Remember that lady I tried to book for the podcast? It was like, an ancient alien specialist. She wrote a whole book about how the Mayans were Irish, and we was.

[Shane]

We was. Mine. I knew we was Mayans, but, yeah.

[Lamar]

I'm gonna keep reading that book. It's pretty. It's pretty tight. It was written by this guy, Diego Landa, who's just a missionary who was documenting, like, just kind of how they got down. And they just kind of, like, studied outer space really hard, and then they just, like, cut people's heads off and just chilled. Pretty cool.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Lamar]

But, yeah, they were. They were.

[Shane]

I wish I knew more about. I never really got into the Aztecs of the Mayans. Incas. I was big for a little, like, the Incas.

[Lamar]

I'm. I'm always. I never know where the they live. The mines were the Yucatan.

[Shane]

The Incas are like, Peru.

[Lamar]

Okay. So they're in Peru.

[Shane]

The Andes Mountains.

[Lamar]

And where were the Aztecs? They were Mexico.

[Shane]

The Aztecs were Mexico as well.

[Lamar]

Okay.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Because they do have stuff like, they.

[Shane]

The Mayans and Aztecs didn't really overlap.

[Lamar]

But apparently there were Mexicans that weren't Mayans that would come down. They would battle the Mayans a lot, too. They had. They were battling the lads, like, way back when.

[Shane]

Who knows?

[Lamar]

But, yeah, it's pretty cool. The Spaniards would come down and, like, get in a fight, and they, like, would name the places. The one bay is just called, like, the Mallow Pilar, which just means the bad fight. It was really sick.

[Shane]

They were cities. Sometimes I see Mayan. Yeah. The Mayans were into independent city states.

[Lamar]

Yeah, it's.

[Shane]

It wasn't like, one empire.

[Lamar]

No, they weren't like a group of people. They just. Or there wasn't like, they were just kind of a bunch of different.

[Shane]

Flourished until 900 A.D. so like, 500 years before the Spanish got there.

[Lamar]

Yeah. But then they think they just became.

[Shane]

Like, probably just chilling.

[Lamar]

They're just. Yeah, there was chillers. They had one central town. They all, like, joined in, allegedly after queits of cold or, like, showed him how to get down. And they all, like, hung out. But they would always be three brothers who were chill. And then, like, they would just turn evil and kill each other every time. Three brothers. They'd start a podcast, turn on each other. It would just be three dudes being like, yeah, we're in charge of all this. And then one day want to be like, I want 75 wives.

[Shane]

It's usually how it goes.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Hernan Cortez. Yeah.

[Lamar]

There was a bro. I didn't get to the part where they. I mean, it was written by the Spaniards, so the guy was just like, yeah, dude, he's pretty chill. Everyone. Everyone liked him. I don't know what else happened. It's pretty cool.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

But yeah, they had a guy who was. There was like, two kind of, like, bishop type dudes. And one guy was like, we have to torture these guys because they keep worshiping snakes and cutting people's heads off. So we had to torture them to, like, it's the only way these guys. And the guys, like, we can't torture him. And then one dude, he's like, try. He came to convince the guy, like, we shouldn't be doing this. The guy's like, no, watch this. And just, like, torture the guy in front of him. He's like, it works. He's like, pulling a dude's teeth out of his head. Like, see?

[Shane]

See?

[Lamar]

He doesn't like it now he'll do whatever I want.

[Shane]

He doesn't like it at all. Now he's really afraid of us.

[Lamar]

I was sure I was. I was trying to think about, like, the different races of human beings and which one are, like, air, water, earth, fire. I, like, thought about this the other day. I was at the beach. I was just high at the beach, and I was like, damn, dude. I kind of figured it out. It's like, white people are water people.

[Shane]

I feel.

[Lamar]

I believe Asians are air. And then you go down to, like.

[Shane]

Saying, black people mud.

[Lamar]

No, no. Latinos are fire for sure. That was the kind of the back here.

[Shane]

This.

[Lamar]

No, it's earth.

[Shane]

Earth.

[Lamar]

There's nothing wrong with Earth.

[Shane]

No, there's nothing wrong at all.

[Lamar]

My thing was.

[Shane]

But then someone so sick to control the seed.

[Lamar]

Someone gets left out, though. That was. I was like, I thought I had it mapped out. I'm like, wait a second. Because then you have Indian.

[Shane]

Indians are definitely earth.

[Lamar]

It could be fire. Dude, Indians are earth for sure. Indians are. I had that because I was like, yeah. Because then I forgot about Latinos. I'm like, okay, they're fire for sure. But then it's like earth. But I was going, what about my African brothers? What would they be? Because then I'm like, I. I was like, maybe the ether. I could throw in the fifth. It could be the ether. What do you guys think?

[Shane]

I think earth.

[Lamar]

But then what about Indian guys? Someone's getting left out. Then what are Indian guys?

[Shane]

They're with Asians. They can be. They're combined true. Air.

[Lamar]

Earth. Earth. Air.

[Shane]

They can be farts. All right, try to keep it respectful. Whose farts? Then what about Arabs? You're forgetting Arabs, like, you say, idiots. Arabs are farts. That's your words.

[Lamar]

I was really hoping to keep this respectful.

[Shane]

How do you think it was gonna. Dude, you want to break down?

[Lamar]

I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth. I was like, yeah, this could actually go.

[Shane]

Really? I'll share this one. Do you guys have any. Would you like to help us here? Would do. Any African American fellows?

[Lamar]

Sure. I'd like to create space for different voices.

[Matt]

I just know. Definitely not water. I kind of thought fire. Why aren't we fire?

[Lamar]

Dude, we're more fire than Latinos, bro. Come on. Yeah.

[Shane]

No way. How are you guys fire?

[Matt]

Leave it.

[Shane]

You guys aren't fire. You guys are earth.

[Nate]

Latino heat.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's Latino heat.

[Lamar]

Yeah, bro. I don't know, man. Look, I don't want to speak for you guys. I like to elevate your voices in the matter, but thank you.

[Shane]

Yeah, we do want to hold space for black podcasters. Thank you, but yeah, Earth, dude. You guys got a claim. Earth's probably the best one.

[Nate]

I think we're plasma.

[Shane]

Plasma.

[Nate]

Plasma. The fifth element, either.

[Lamar]

I was giving you guys ether. I was like, that's. I was like, ether is the best. Indian guys are Earth for sure.

[Shane]

I can't believe you're pleading the fifth on this.

[Lamar]

The fifth element.

[Shane]

No, Earth's good for you guys.

[Lamar]

Yeah, no, they're all elements.

[Nate]

Why is Earth good?

[Shane]

Because every. I don't know. Everybody claims the first humans were from Africa just came, you know?

[Lamar]

True.

[Shane]

It's nice. I like that.

[Lamar]

And it's one of those things where, like, Asians are definitely air. Let's do process of elimination.

[Shane]

Can I run on the trees? They're air airbenders.

[Nate]

Black people are Avatars. And we fucking get all four. I think if we're from Africa, you get all four.

[Shane]

Water.

[Nate]

Get all four.

[Lamar]

Just spraying water out of your hands, like, oh, air.

[Nate]

Did you ever see those, like, Jamaican guys jump off the. The barge into the water? Like it's in the.

[Lamar]

It's between you guys and Asians.

[Shane]

You guys are confusing air with just jumping. We're talking about air supremacy. Monkeys have a cheese.

[Nate]

Do you want Chinese air? That stuff's bad.

[Shane]

Don't turn this on.

[Lamar]

Forget I even brought this up. Let's just drop.

[Shane]

Let's just drop it, dude.

[Lamar]

If you guys can't be mature, you.

[Shane]

Guys can't be mature enough to have Earth. Earth's the best. If we would have said white people are Earth, you would have been like.

[Lamar]

No, we're Earth.

[Shane]

For sure.

[Lamar]

Yeah, all the elements are. None of them are more essential than the others. It's.

[Shane]

Don't make us take Earth. We can take it all.

[Matt]

That's the reason I'm not saying we control water.

[Shane]

We can take everything.

[Lamar]

I know.

[Matt]

If we said we had Earth, you guys would come and take it. That's why I was being quiet about it.

[Lamar]

Fine, we'll give you guys air. White people, the Avatars.

[Shane]

Fine. White people, the Avatars. Never. And thought of that. It's a good answer. You're right. We definitely are Avatar.

[Lamar]

Just. I just wanted the way to hear what black people say.

[Shane]

Like, no, that's ours, actually. That's ours.

[Lamar]

That's a good idea. But we're going to take that. We're going to take that idea. It's really cool.

[Shane]

I can't believe you said Indian scarabs were farts. Wrong, dude.

[Lamar]

I didn't think about the gas element. That could be gas. Gas, dude. Oh, dude, I change it. Switching gears. I wanted to tell you, dude, I went through. I think I told you this yesterday, but I was at Port Aransas, Texas. The beach. Oh, yeah, dude, it is on. At first glance, the sickest setup. You ever been to a 4x4 beach cars pull up.

[Shane]

Oh, no, I don't know if I have.

[Lamar]

Dude, this was for real. It was insane, man. It was like only during COVID 19 when you. Where were you?

[Shane]

I was in Hilton Head, but it's not typically. You're not allowed to do that typically. But it was coveted, dude.

[Lamar]

The beach was a road. Like, that upper portion of the beach.

[Shane]

Was like outer banks has that.

[Lamar]

Yeah, okay. Dude, it was kind of Sick. Just like you just bop around on golf carts. Faded on a golf cart blasting. Yeah, the music from your phone.

[Shane]

It's water.

[Lamar]

Stuff the speaker. True.

[Shane]

Now you're talking water for.

[Lamar]

Also, dude, it was the Texas beach. Everyone pulls up and, like, sets up, like, pretty sick setups. Like a truck. It's like tailgate barbecues. Trump flags everywhere. Got me thinking. It's like, nobody parties under the Biden banner. People party under the Trump flag. I've never seen someone just get down under a Biden flag.

[Shane]

Oh, that would suck so bad. Holy shit. That would be so. I mean, it'd be really funny. Just Turkey at that beach. Do it at that beach. See how long before you get your ass beat, dude.

[Lamar]

Just like turkey burgers and Impossible. Impossible.

[Shane]

Blasting Kendrick's new album. They Not Like Us.

[Lamar]

They Not Like Us. Never seen it. You've never seen somebody flying a bad and a Biden banner and just partying.

[Shane]

Get a nice Kamal flag too.

[Lamar]

That's a part that would be tight.

[Shane]

A Harris Walls flag just getting wrecked.

[Lamar]

Just having so much blasting npr. I'm like, that's actually very important.

[Shane]

I never thought of it like that.

[Lamar]

I didn't think about that. Just kissing a guy.

[Shane]

Yeah. It wasn't a very inviting party flag. The. The Biden.

[Lamar]

No. Couldn't have any fun.

[Shane]

It wasn't very fun.

[Lamar]

Was not fun. You couldn't blast Kid Rock summer anthem. Whiskey out the bottle. Turn this off.

[Shane]

It's tough.

[Lamar]

He shot the butler. Turn this off.

[Shane]

Hey, turn that off right now.

[Lamar]

Yeah, man. I'm telling you, I want to see somebody do it. I. I want everyone to have fun. But it turns out the Trump flags are. It's kind of corner.

[Shane]

They are kind of a beacon for a good. A good party kind of.

[Lamar]

Dude. Yeah. You have a good time. It was kind of. It was making me sad. But it's at night time. It is funny. It was. My friend was pointing it out. It's like. It is Fury Road. You go on the beach at nighttime and it's just kids hanging off golf carts like war boys. Like, it was fun. But, dude, the.

[Shane]

Were there some fires going at night?

[Lamar]

Yep. You got a beach fire, dude, they would come out. The. The thing was called Cinnamon. Cinnamon Shore. So, like, you go to Port Arancis and it's like the town, by the way, bleak. It's a. I went to the grocery store like 10 minutes away to grab some supplies for last night. Dude, I. I'm. I'm not exaggerating this at all. There was an older lady cashier. And I, you know, she was just kind of sitting there and I'm like, hey, how you doing? You know, normal stuff. Yeah, she just sized. And she was like, not good. Like, okay, good for her, dude. It was not. It was actually refreshing. And I was like, oh, dude. And then she take you took it even further. She was like, like, yeah, I just. I don't like this job at all. And I was like, okay. I was like, fair enough. And I was like, you know what? Let me shut up. It's probably annoying, you know, it's the 50th. Because she was like, it's just the same thing. Just people come and over and over. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? Let me shut up. It's. I'm probably the 50th guy to ask you how your day is. She's like, yeah, I just. I just remember my, like, you know, my life used to have meaning. I was like, okay, wow.

[Shane]

She said all this?

[Lamar]

Yeah, dude. And then she goes. She was like, I used to be an assistant. Assistant librarian in Samoa. I was like, okay, cool. She's like, yeah. Then a flood took the place out. Really bad flood. Killed a lot of children. I'm just like, jesus Christ. She goes, there were families of children that died. She says, luckily this was why this, like, made the other person lying next to me turn around. She goes, luckily it wasn't on the tourist side. And I was like, oh.

[Shane]

Oh, man. She had a little cortez in her.

[Lamar]

Yeah, dude.

[Shane]

Luckily it didn't get the pale faces, dude.

[Lamar]

I think she. I. I think she was kind of faded. Dude. There was a display of buzz balls next to her. I'm like, she must be crushing these buzz balls.

[Shane]

I would too. Yeah, bro, if you're sitting there going, you know what? I don't have any meaning in my life. I'm a cashier here. I'm sick of this.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What's that, a buzz ball?

[Lamar]

Is that a bubble takedown?

[Shane]

I'm just gonna notice.

[Lamar]

Was that a butterscotch buzz ball?

[Shane]

That sounds like hell.

[Lamar]

She kept, dude, she kept going. She was like, yeah, man. She was like, like, you know, could you imagine? Funerals are sad, but imagine a funeral for multiple children at the same time. I'm like, jesus Christ. She's like, and you gotta put the bodies up high because if you put them down low, they just wash away. I'm like, okay, dude, it was a 10 minute exchange. She's like, yeah, my ex husband, we met out there, he's a drunk all the guys in Samoa, by the time they're 60, they're drunks. They have nothing to do. They're just drunks. Probably drunks. Before that she was like. And she just broke down her ex husband. She's like, smart guy, no common sense. He's probably drunk right now. And I'm like looking at it like, you're probably drunk right now, lady. But went on for 10. And then I started finally, like, it got, I got the last thing bagged up and I was like, all right, have a good one. And then she just like, just smiled such a big smile. And I was like, okay, thank you.

[Kyle]

She goes, so how are you doing?

[Lamar]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

Yeah. So what's up with you?

[Lamar]

That's all right.

[Shane]

Well, shit's going well. Just signed a Spotify deal. It's pretty easy. I just do podcasts.

[Lamar]

It's pretty good. I actually haven't beat off in like seven days. I'm getting raging boners every morning. Should have fired back. That's good, dude, I've been, I. I don't know what happened. I've turned a corner. We'll see if I can keep it, but I'm just. Bro.

[Guest]

This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal information, which might explain why there's a victim of identity theft every five seconds. And in the U.S. fortunately, there's LifeLock. LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity. If your identity is stolen, a US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year by visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

[Lamar]

Hablas espanol spries du deutsch kommunos?

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[Lamar]

I'm just like, I'm not, I'm not at. I'm not even trying to have sex. Not trying to. I'm not fapping. I'm just like just going to be really. I'VE tried this so many times, but I think I've turned the corner where I've been getting charged up that like, when I'm like, you don't, obviously, y' all, you know, and you have to come really bad. I've just been, like, reveling in that feeling, and I'm just like, dude, I'm just gonna charge myself up as much as I can every once in a while.

[Shane]

When I'm hungover, I get the ultimate.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Need to come right now.

[Lamar]

Yes, dude.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

I drove home kind of like that. And I was not lying.

[Shane]

Drive sometimes, dude, I was rock hard. Rock hard for an entire drive, dude.

[Lamar]

I. It was a three hour, 45 minute drive. No cab. I think I might have been hard for two and a half hours straight.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Just non stop. It was like I was driving and Brittany would, like, put her hand on my thigh and I was real going.

[Shane]

Like.

[Lamar]

I was trying to shift it. I was. I was in a state, dude. It was crazy. But, yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to keep it up and just see if I can get charged up off the life energy. Because it's a huge difference, man. When you're ramped like that, if you can, like, just power through it. Yeah, you have energy. All these people say they're tired. It's like, bro, hold it off. Yeah, for real. I want to try to, like, not do it for a month and then get my tea checked and just see what my levels are. I would imagine they'd be high if you just held. If you held in your goop. I mean, you know, I'm like a broken record on this, but I. I feel I might have turned the corner.

[Shane]

I think it's a. It's a good thing. You're. You're very interested in the goop and goop retention.

[Lamar]

I am.

[Shane]

Well, it's like you got goop on the brain.

[Lamar]

I get goop on the brain. It's goop retention, group release. I, you know, I like it all.

[Shane]

Everything goo.

[Lamar]

All things goo.

[Shane]

I'm here to discuss goop.

[Lamar]

So, yeah, that's been a. That's been a welcome. And I, like, I keep taking the maca. I'm just feeding the beast.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

So, yeah, I've been. I've been waking up.

[Shane]

I got a feeling. These boys have not retained any goop.

[Lamar]

These guys, they don't look at a blanket over himself when I came in.

[Shane]

Oh, man, you were in this room for five minutes before you laid down with a blanket.

[Lamar]

Goopless, dude.

[Nate]

I'M tired.

[Lamar]

No goop.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's a goopless man. There's no goop in the system. You probably got rid of your goop this morning, didn't you?

[Nate]

No.

[Shane]

Lie like a rose this morning.

[Nate]

Count as three in the morning.

[Shane]

Oh, you got your goop out of three?

[Nate]

Yeah, dude.

[Lamar]

Did you? I heard you had a little bit.

[Shane]

Of a partner here.

[Nate]

It was no.

[Lamar]

You had a hot date.

[Nate]

It wasn't a date.

[Shane]

There's no partners, huh? No. You individually gooped at 3am yeah, it's a late night goop session hour. It was a drunk goop.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Some of the nastiest goops for sure. A drunk goop is weird.

[Lamar]

Throw. You just throw your phone in a fire afterwards.

[Shane]

Yeah. Drunk goop. That's no good.

[Nate]

I always throw my phone. There's like a pile of clothes. I always throw my phone on a pile of clothes and I'm done.

[Lamar]

Get this thing. Be gone.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Has anyone gotten like freaky with AI?

[Nate]

What do you mean?

[Lamar]

Just been like, find me the freakiest vids or like you could get. No one's ever gotten freaky with it, I don't think.

[Shane]

I never even considered asking AI for pern. I've never asked AI one thing. I've never used it once. Never. I don't even know what chat GBT is. I never looked at it, dude.

[Lamar]

I was the same way like three weeks ago. And I've started using it. It's like a very ball. It's like Google on stereo.

[Shane]

I guess I do it with Google because now that that just automatically comes up. But whatever. I don't know. I'm not worried about AI, dude. I'm holding it down.

[Lamar]

I'm not at all, dude. I don't know why everyone's spazzing out about it. It's like. I don't know. I don't like the. The. Well, the thing is, if you have a job where you're like doing admin work. Toast. You're a toast Good. I mean, if I was doing admin.

[Shane]

Work, I'd be like, release me from this.

[Lamar]

True my life.

[Shane]

I'd rather my cashier next to.

[Lamar]

At least you get to talk to people.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I mean, they're going to have to figure it out because they.

[Shane]

It will erase what I was going to say. They're going to make cashiers automated. But that's where the Earth people are really helping. We can't automate the cashiers.

[Lamar]

No. You know what they do now with the automated cashiers? They wait until you're just on camera, and they wait until you get up to, like, 500 of theft and they just come to your house so you can have a field day. And eventually you get a knock on the door, and they're like, yo, bro. They wait till it gets to whatever the limit is for, like, larceny, and then you just get a knock on the dough.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Lamar]

Yeah, that's how they get you now.

[Shane]

But they are, like, the last. They're fighting against the AI.

[Lamar]

I fought.

[Shane]

You guys want to automate this? Yeah. You've been. You've.

[Lamar]

I've waged war against them. And I got. And I. And I. Dude, I'm telling you, it's. I knew. I was like, they just came out. They budget for billions of loss. Even, like, any store does. There's, like, the theft, the loss prevention is like. They're like, we're gonna lose at least a billion this year. Like, in Walmart. They know. They're like, we're losing whatever it is. 100 million, whatever. So I was like, bro, these are just rolling out. And I went ham. And then eventually I was like, all right, I'm done. Quit. I was like, this is ridiculous.

[Shane]

You got out of the game.

[Lamar]

You know how crazy it is to steal, like, rotisserie chickens when your Patreon's popping. It felt bad. I was like. I was like, I can't anymore. This is a crime. It's a crime, dude. We're like number three on Patreon.

[Shane]

I'm like, I was reaping the point. I was reaping the benefits. I'd be back home. I was your little. You were feeding me, dude. I would lay back home. You'd go, I stole this rotisserie back.

[Lamar]

I put these vitamins in a box at Whole Foods and pretended it was scrambled eggs. They were $2. Yeah, that was. That lady got caught doing my method, which was you take a price tag off of a smaller price item, hold it under, like, a. I would get a whole, like, sheet cover for, like, 200 bucks, scan, like, a Walmart T shirt over it. So on camera, I'm scanning this thing, but it will come up as, like, four, like, seven bucks. But, yeah, I stopped. I retired my jersey.

[Shane]

It's good.

[Lamar]

I was like, I mean, dude, the meat. I would get, like, 10 pounds of meat. Just not rain.

[Shane]

We need that meat.

[Lamar]

You just bag it all up.

[Shane]

We need it.

[Lamar]

Oh, man, you really can.

[Shane]

One pound of meat last night.

[Lamar]

He was tenderizing last night.

[Shane]

That's disgusting. Oh, man.

[Lamar]

Three o' clock. Goop, man. And then you're laying on the three.

[Shane]

O' clock goop session. You come in here and lay on my. I know you didn't. I'm certain you didn't shower. I showered my dick. You showered.

[Lamar]

Dribbling on the couch.

[Shane]

Ew. Goop, man.

[Lamar]

The big goo. You guys have any goop in you or what's your guys's deal?

[Kyle]

Yeah, I gooped last night.

[Shane]

Jesus Christ. The whole squad's just dropping goose.

[Matt]

I also gooped.

[Lamar]

Goopless.

[Matt]

I wasn't gonna fall asleep early enough without gooping.

[Lamar]

Did you have to. You have to scurry away to goop?

[Matt]

I had to. I had to put my dog in his. In his kennel. Throw a sheet, a blanket over him. I can't.

[Lamar]

I.

[Matt]

He can't see me. It'll devastate me.

[Lamar]

Where'd you get. Where'd you catch the goop? Sesh.

[Shane]

Living room.

[Lamar]

Yo, bro.

[Matt]

That's all I got. Living room, bedroom, Bathroom.

[Shane]

Bro.

[Lamar]

Bathroom.

[Matt]

She'll hear the door. I was telling Lamars the other day.

[Shane]

You wanted to go without making love. I didn't want to make any love.

[Matt]

It's that time of the month.

[Shane]

All right. All right.

[Lamar]

Yeah, I just entered that. I just entered that period right now.

[Matt]

I hate the goose.

[Shane]

God damn, She's a witch.

[Lamar]

Yeah, I just. I just entered into that right now. We'll see.

[Shane]

I think I'm about to.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Yeah. They're all.

[Shane]

They're all based on recent. Recent attitudes.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The forecast got a little cloudy. Dude, storm's coming.

[Lamar]

What? There's. They have. There has to be a thing. Actually, some women go on SSRIs during their periods. There's like a. There's a. They like diagnose a mental condition that's like menstrual induced depression or whatever it is. Menstrual induced. Mean as hell.

[Shane]

Mean as hell, dude.

[Lamar]

Yeah. And some women now take Paxil and while on their periods, but, you know, that sucks.

[Shane]

That's a good move. I might start.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Close it in.

[Lamar]

I'm worried about you.

[Shane]

Yeah. I made you some tea. 8 Xanax. She's gonna sleep for a week.

[Lamar]

They should be able to go, like, into like a mini coma for like a week. That's.

[Shane]

They kind of do.

[Lamar]

It's true.

[Shane]

They really do. They hibernate for like three days.

[Lamar]

True. Just some movie on Netflix. Like these beautiful things.

[Shane]

I will say this.

[Lamar]

Shut the door.

[Shane]

In defensive. Old Benson Boone. Yeah. I was trying to hate the boy, but I watched his American Idol. Killed it that's kind of nice.

[Lamar]

He crushed it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

That's awesome.

[Shane]

Yeah, I just don't like the, I don't like the outfits very much. They're not for me.

[Lamar]

What are the out. What's going on?

[Shane]

It's a giant honker and a bell bottoms onesie. Does a flip off a piano and goes. Yeah, it's just not for me.

[Lamar]

I know you're talking now. Yeah, yeah, that. I mean, dude, when you enter into girl, if you become like a female entertainer, it's like time's up. You got to dress, you know, kind of.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

You know, like a gay guy. Cuz if you, if you just like try to be a female entertainer and you just wore like cool, normal, like we wear like alpha stuff.

[Shane]

Normal alpha stuff?

[Lamar]

Yeah, like alpha.

[Shane]

Like for some reason there's shorts.

[Lamar]

Not a big deal, just something cash and light. Like nothing crazy, but it's definitely like pretty.

[Shane]

Something totally cash. Lets everyone in the room know I don't care.

[Lamar]

Yeah, for sure.

[Shane]

I don't care that you guys are dressing up. I dress like this.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Like you guys are so worried about gooping. I'm not. Like if you don't even worry about gooping, you don't have to wear anything.

[Shane]

Dude, if you don't worry about gooping, the goop comes to you. Girls see you, they go, that guy's dressed like a dumbass. I'm going to get his goop out of him. Oh dude, also I, I only get goop from guys that dress like fifth graders. It works.

[Lamar]

Dude. On the drive from Austin down to Port Aransas, you just kind of cut through these small Texas towns and in every. Dude, there'd be a town of like. You know when you come through and you're like, how like, like this is crazy. Like how do you even like exist here? You know? It could be a town of like four people. DQ DQs.

[Shane]

Yeah, bro, it's like Spice.

[Lamar]

It's on Arrakis. Like whoever controls the, whoever controls the blizzard controls the whole town.

[Shane]

So hot down there, bro.

[Lamar]

I know you get a nice blizzard and they're. Dude, every town it's like they. There's like nothing DQ sticking up.

[Shane]

And you're like, bro, it's funny you notice that? I noticed that when I was down in Arizona.

[Lamar]

Did you?

[Shane]

Every single small town dq.

[Lamar]

Yeah man, that's like.

[Shane]

It's the, it's the Taco Bells too. And usually yeah, Del Tacos. But yeah, DQ for sure might, might.

[Lamar]

Have to get into the DQ small town game. Just lording over small towns with the dq.

[Shane]

We had one in Mechanicsburg that was a pretty big deal.

[Lamar]

Yeah, dude, they're. Yeah, every kid's sports game is straight to dq. Yeah, they, you know, you do the hot food too.

[Shane]

They're a little chilly's got something to say about the details.

[Nate]

I say, Matt would be a great ice cream man.

[Lamar]

I did work at an ice cream place before.

[Shane]

Yeah, my.

[Lamar]

My, my hygiene wasn't good. I would be even the batch is like, oh, bro. I'd be like, itching my butt in the back. Like, they get out there and make some cones. I'm like, all right. I used to walk by, like, the gallons, open the thing and just scoop it with my hands and eat the ice cream. It was so gross.

[Shane]

Matt. I worked in an ice cream factory and my hygiene wasn't great either. I would sleep on the floor in the locker room and wake up and stick my hands straight in the ice cream.

[Lamar]

How could you not.

[Shane]

If you ate Hershey's ice cream in 2010?

[Lamar]

Oh, yeah, I was at Brewster's.

[Shane]

Brewster's rules does rule.

[Lamar]

Yeah, Bruce, it was a. It was a sick job, man. But, you know, whatever. I'll be honest.

[Shane]

Come to think of it, the. The hygiene register. Hygiene was low in the factory. Yeah, it was poor hygiene.

[Lamar]

Yeah, dude, I. Yeah, it's not. It's not the best. Yeah, I remember, like, for real, coming out of the bathroom from taking a dump and like, handling a cone and the manager be like, did you wash your hands in the bathroom?

[Shane]

I'd be like, yes, dude, there's a sign. Of course.

[Lamar]

Are you talking about just scratch my balls afterwards? Like, yeah, what the hell are you talking about?

[Shane]

Love seeing that sign at a place I don't work at.

[Lamar]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Sucks for the employees.

[Lamar]

Sucks for those guys.

[Shane]

I can go straight back out to the public with a dump on my hands. Straight back to the beer pong table.

[Lamar]

I don't think I, like, as a child, I know for a fact I never wash my hands after dumping.

[Shane]

Yeah, even. Even never. Sadly, even as an adult, it's like if I wash my hands after I take a piss, I'm like, yeah, that really turned a corner. Am I a doctor?

[Nate]

Nate used to not wipe his butt.

[Shane]

Oh, my God. You might be fart. You're not Earth, dude. I saw it coming.

[Matt]

I was like five or six.

[Shane]

It was.

[Matt]

I. I didn't have time. I had to get back. Yeah, I had to get back to my Power Rangers and my Beast Wars.

[Shane]

So you would just not wipe Your ass.

[Matt]

I would just get right up. I learned my lesson quickly. It only takes a short amount of not wipes until you're one. Your underwear devastated.

[Shane]

Holy. You must have had full dumps in there. You must have had insane dumps.

[Lamar]

Did somebody step in on this or you just, you just naturally.

[Matt]

I think if I, I, I think my mom might have said. Cuz at that age I was still wearing straight tighty.

[Lamar]

Wh, so she was getting.

[Shane]

The laundry was chaos. Yeah.

[Matt]

She would hit me with the ru. Wife and I'd be like, yes. I went like a full, full, like maybe a year.

[Lamar]

Damn.

[Matt]

But it, yeah, maybe, maybe I don't.

[Lamar]

It must have been free though. That must have been nice, just like popping up, being like suckers.

[Matt]

I was still like, you know, I learned, I was doing it myself. That's big once you start doing that.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I'll be honest, as an adult, I've tried it a couple times. I'm like, you know, you're wiping. You're like, man, this is really getting me nowhere.

[Shane]

Oh yeah. I mean you can give up. Yeah, you can definitely look, that happens to everybody. Yeah, I've wiped seven times.

[Lamar]

It's just.

[Shane]

I gotta go about my day. I can't sit here wiping my ass for 20 fucking minutes. The give up never works. You end up going back to the.

[Lamar]

Bathroom or you just forget. Like, I'll be like before bed, I'll be like moving. I'm like, what the, the hell's going on?

[Shane]

My ass is itchy.

[Lamar]

Literally last night I was walking by, I took a nice, I took a nice dump during the day and I thought it was fine enough. I was like, all right, I'm good to go. I like was about to get ready for bed and I was like, something's not right. And I took, I like, it was, I took a piss and I like.

[Shane]

Just like the father's intuition.

[Lamar]

Let me just, let me see. Let me just get one little ass wipe before bed, dude. Oh, you would have thought I just yet. I was like, oh no. I heard Brittany come up the steps. I was like real quick about this. So when she catches me just wiping my ass at night time, she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, nothing. Or I'm getting ready for bed. Leave me alone. Yeah, I'm jerking off in here. Getting my goop out. Getting my goop out. But yeah, I, I've unfortunately, yeah, I had a 5 year old's ass last night before bedtime. I thought I was like, I didn't even you know, I didn't even thought I'd give up. I was like. Thought I was good to go. Thought I was Gucci. Turns out, not the case. I.

[Shane]

Now we've all. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

[Lamar]

No. Yeah, I hit it hard. I hit a give up the other day. That's. Straight to the shower.

[Shane]

That's. That's the move.

[Lamar]

That is the move, man.

[Shane]

Yeah. That's. This isn't working.

[Lamar]

Yeah, straight to the shower. Walk past my whole family. I was in like the downstairs bathroom. Britney's like, are you done pooping? I was like, taking it to the shower. This was a disaster.

[Shane]

This was a complete disaster. I've got to wash my ass.

[Lamar]

Gotta power wash my asshole. What are we having for breakfast?

[Shane]

Prepare breakfast. I'll be done washing my ass in a minute.

[Lamar]

Next time she catches me wiping my ass at nighttime, I'm so turning her and go. These beautiful things that I like. Do a backflip of the toilet. Land on my back.

[Shane]

You gotta hear the other guy. I forget the way it. It's like you'll be married in the suburbs.

[Lamar]

There's another. There's another sexy crooner right now.

[Nate]

It's a white guy. On Instagram, they call it Kyle Core. This type of music.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Those.

[Nate]

His Kyle Core.

[Lamar]

All you need is one good girl hit man. Yeah, you're good to go.

[Kyle]

He's kind of getting clowned, though. Everyone's saying this is not it.

[Lamar]

What do you mean?

[Kyle]

It's just super corny. It's.

[Shane]

It's.

[Kyle]

If Shane fight. I'll look for it.

[Lamar]

On the way.

[Shane]

Convincing yourself you're living the American.

[Lamar]

I heard this song.

[Shane]

He seems old to be that whimsical and gay.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I mean, how old that boy? He's probably late 20s. I would say that's when you're just getting old enough to become honestly, even gayer.

[Shane]

True. Some guys do double down.

[Lamar]

Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. He has. He. There's like one person who had a kid and he's like, oh, my God.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

And you'll be in careful. Yeah. And I'll be dancing. You'll be going to the grocery store, you stupid. And I'll be singing and gooping everywhere.

[Shane]

He might have goofed that night, though. There were some people. There were some people filming that that looked like they were ready for some goop.

[Lamar]

Women love nothing more than a guy. I think he's a guitar. Be like, it's so hard for you, California.

[Shane]

I'm telling you. You guys see Machine Gun Galley put out the goop anthem of the summer, too.

[Lamar]

What was the goo Bathroom. He put out.

[Shane]

He put out a full on goop sesh for the. For the broads.

[Lamar]

What was it? It was a screamo group sesh.

[Shane]

Y.

[Lamar]

Or is it more pop punk?

[Shane]

It's pop. It's just pop. Yeah, he put out a nice goop sesh.

[Lamar]

That guy is like the perfect celebrity, though. Just like. He'll like. One of those guys will just wear like Frankenstein boots. Oh, he's like going full Backstreet Boys.

[Shane]

Yeah. What? He's really good.

[Lamar]

Backstreet's back.

[Shane]

All right.

[Lamar]

Backstreet's back.

[Shane]

Yeah. We're not allowed to play cool goop music.

[Lamar]

I think we play if we're talking about it. It's common license or whatever or something. Allegedly. I don't know.

[Shane]

Allegedly. Yeah. I put out a goop anthem. It's him and the California dancing in California guy. They're battling for the goop. The goop shot of the summer.

[Lamar]

True. What about the dude at the piano back flipper?

[Shane]

He's got some goob stuff coming.

[Lamar]

He's got to get this.

[Shane]

He's got a couple goob songs.

[Lamar]

He needs a goop. He needs to release a song so he can.

[Shane]

I think he's got some new goop shit coming.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I wonder who's battling for the song of the summer. Kanye threw down the gauntlet.

[Shane]

Kanye is still leading, I'd say. I guess Nokia from Drake is really hanging on. He gooped too early with that, though. Yeah, he should have saved that for the summer.

[Lamar]

It's not too late for him to release a summer. There's no great summer anthem right now. Besides, I mean, what do we have last year? Last year we had some fucking banger. We had that guy, the tipsy. The guy, the black jabuzzi.

[Shane]

That was a good one.

[Lamar]

He. Oh, really? Was that the summertime?

[Nate]

That was the song of the year.

[Lamar]

Yeah, but you can't part. That was like.

[Shane]

This is. You are just Whoopi from.

[Lamar]

Goopy.

[Shane]

Dude. You love the liberal.

[Lamar]

He's goopy.

[Shane]

You love. Dance to it.

[Lamar]

Whoopi.

[Nate]

Gooberg. Dude, you couldn't turn on anything without hearing not like us. Last year for sure.

[Lamar]

That was summer. So that was something. Was that the summer anthem, though?

[Shane]

It's not really a summer anthem. It's not in any way.

[Nate]

I don't know, dude, you hit the certified.

[Lamar]

That song is what made gingers black.

[Shane]

It actually might be.

[Lamar]

Hold on a second. Yeah, maybe. Okay. I could have been summer anthem.

[Shane]

Maybe that was definitely the most played. That was. Yeah, for sure.

[Lamar]

For Fosho. But again, like, dude, I'm thinking Kid Rock summer anthem. That was a real summer. That's like party time. I guess you can. I don't know.

[Shane]

Nobody party to that song other than for real. The dnc.

[Lamar]

Yeah, exactly. We're. We're in need of a summer banger. Shaboozi. That was that last year, like, two years ago. Yeah, that was the summer anthem. Dude, let's be. Let's all get real. Let's have a reality check here.

[Shane]

It's time for a reality.

[Lamar]

Let's. Can we please get back down to earth right now?

[Shane]

It's time to get down to earth.

[Lamar]

That was.

[Shane]

You found a summer anthem.

[Lamar]

Well, what. Let's say. What are they.

[Kyle]

There was. I just typed it in.

[Shane]

What about espresso?

[Kyle]

Some Help by Morgan.

[Shane]

While had some help. Was a big one. Oh, yeah.

[Kyle]

To go Chapel Roan was a big.

[Shane]

That was last summer. These are all great. Summer.

[Kyle]

Million Dollar Baby by Tommy Richmond.

[Shane]

Yeah, that was. That was one you couldn't escape either.

[Kyle]

Shaboos.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

Oh, and I found out the guy who sings that song in the backyard is Brendan Abernathy, an indie musician.

[Shane]

Oh, nice.

[Lamar]

Nice.

[Kyle]

I've been Googling He's.

[Lamar]

He. Yeah.

[Kyle]

Okay.

[Shane]

He seemed like. He seemed to have it. Be a good sport about it. He made a funny video with that Kyle Gordon guy about it.

[Lamar]

Yeah, but people roasting him.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Kyle]

People are claiming pretty hard.

[Lamar]

Seems to be the price you pay, man. Like, if you want to get a big following on Instagram, you have to deal with, like, people hating on you. Yeah, true. Like, hard.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Lamar]

Kind of the price you pay, you.

[Shane]

Know, that's good to. It's good to check the comments before you do a press run for tires.

[Lamar]

Why did you do that?

[Shane]

I don't know. I was bored. I just kept looking at. It's good. Yeah. I think I'm doing too much. And then you read all these comments. Top comments. Like, he's doing too much. I know. It's exactly what I thought. Well, it's a good thing I have a press run for tires. Oh, I blew it with Gerbies. What? I had him. I. I told you they wanted me to do late night. I said, I won't do it without Gerbies. That way I can pants him.

[Lamar]

Yeah, for sure.

[Shane]

And then I had. I had him. I was like, we gotta wear a tuxedo for Seth Meyers. Oh, and he was gonna wear a tuxedo, and he Called me and he was like, do we really have to wear a tuxedo? I was like, no.

[Lamar]

Oh, that was nice of you.

[Shane]

I should have done it.

[Lamar]

Crazy, dude. No, that's nice.

[Shane]

I still got some things up my sleeve for him.

[Lamar]

True. I mean, dude, honestly, it's kind of 40 chess. Because now you're going, no, ma' am.

[Shane]

No, I couldn't do that too.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I couldn't do that to you.

[Shane]

Guess what?

[Lamar]

Sweatpants. Turns out you gotta wear sweatpants.

[Shane]

We have to wear sweatpants.

[Lamar]

That'll be so funny.

[Shane]

I gotta get an outfit. I don't have any.

[Lamar]

Would you? Yeah. What are you gonna. What are you gonna go Just to.

[Shane]

Wear nice stuff to late night.

[Lamar]

I feel like at least a golf shirt and some.

[Shane]

Got it done.

[Lamar]

Golf shirt and jeans. Throw some dungarees.

[Shane]

Oh, man, I've. I've also. I'm nervous about that. I don't like that late night. Yeah, you gotta walk out through the curtain to the desk, you know? You ever see the thing? Have you ever seen late night television in any way? I've.

[Lamar]

I've never seen it live, no.

[Shane]

Like when they bring out a guest, you gotta walk out. Yeah, yeah.

[Lamar]

Well, people will be happy. We'll come out. People go, ah, then you can go out, dude. If any.

[Shane]

All else fails, they might not be that happy. We thought it was going to be Pedro Pascal.

[Lamar]

They'll be stoked. Kurt.

[Shane]

Just watching Kirby's is going to lose his mind.

[Lamar]

It'll be so funny. It'll be so fucking funny sitting there.

[Shane]

It's going to be really bad. There's no way it's good.

[Lamar]

The best was last year when you guys did the tires premiere. They tried to do a serious interview.

[Shane]

Serious interview after the premiere. And then Kirby sat next to me and was just going. He's just staring. I was like, German. He's talking. He asked you a question. He's like, what? What's wrong with you? He's like, I'm having a panic attack.

[Lamar]

I was like, oh, dude, you gotta hit him with his cocktail before he goes up.

[Shane]

He's gonna get some cocktails.

[Lamar]

Oh, bro, you gotta get. You gotta let him drink on that. Drink on that Xanax. I looked back when we were flying. I was like, just looking back at him halfway through.

[Shane]

He's just like, he's a cat. You gotta. Yeah, he's a cat, dude. You gotta literally inject him with drugs to get him on a plane.

[Lamar]

I know. Yeah, give him the Zans, bro. Give him, like, double the dose and Let him just wear shades the whole time. That'd be so nice.

[Shane]

I'm just. I know what I'm doing.

[Lamar]

You should get one of those, like, fake press bars in Kensington. Just give him fat. Let's give him.

[Shane]

Just kill him.

[Lamar]

You know our cannonball.

[Shane]

I could get in a fight with him on Seth Myers. That'd be sick. Just getting a fist fight with him.

[Lamar]

That'd be so funny.

[Shane]

Dude, Kirby's getting jacked, dude. He might be a problem.

[Lamar]

He's ripped, dude. He's absolutely ripped. But you've been training, so I haven't.

[Shane]

Took a little week off there. Things are.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You're adjusting motion.

[Lamar]

Your muscles are just building back up there.

[Shane]

True.

[Lamar]

So you need some recovery. Yeah. It'll be. It'll be very fun. How. How is Seth Meyers? Ever met him before.

[Shane]

I actually met him. He came at snl. He came down to my green room just to say what's up? It's very nice.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I've heard that about a lot of the late night guys are like, very nice.

[Shane]

Yeah. I think they're all kind of the bros. Yeah.

[Nate]

So you're going to get hammered with them. I feel like Jimmy gets it. Well, Jimmy gets hammered.

[Shane]

Allegedly. Jimmy gets hammered.

[Lamar]

Drinking out of the mug would be sick, though. I've always. That's allegedly.

[Shane]

Allegedly.

[Nate]

Allegedly.

[Lamar]

How would you not? I would have to be hammered every night to do that job.

[Shane]

That job.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

No offense to the late night guys.

[Lamar]

That's a. Yeah, dude. I'd be some. I'd have to do something, man. That'd be crazy.

[Shane]

Dudes that get that job, though, always wanted that job.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Every single one of them is like, I grew up watching, like, Carson or all that. And they're like, this is all I've ever wanted.

[Lamar]

I always wonder when I hear people say that because I've like, I don't have any version of that at all. I've never watched a thing and as a child and been like, this is all I want. I just would sit there and just be like, dude, I can't wait to smoke a cigarette in the woods. It's gonna be so sick. I never looked at a thing. And I was like, one day I'll do that. I was just sitting there going, damn.

[Shane]

Yeah. Right now.

[Lamar]

Hiding a boner under a pillow.

[Shane]

I didn't really have a choice. Yeah. The only thing we watched, like, as a family was just football.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And I was. I was like, I'll play football. And then even by like, eighth grade, I was like, I'm not gonna be good enough.

[Lamar]

Yeah, I had the opposite. I was in eighth grade. That was the one thing I was like, I'll definitely be in the NFL. It's just a matter of time.

[Shane]

I told you about that in. In our school. You wrote a letter to yourself when you graduate from eighth grade. Like a little time give it to you when you're graduating.

[Lamar]

What'd you say?

[Shane]

My letter was like, dude, obviously you're getting offers from Florida State, Notre Dame, Miami. And then it was like the next paragraph was like, yeah, right. You suck. You're probably going. I was like, all right, nice.

[Lamar]

That's so funny.

[Shane]

A bully from the past. You suck. Yeah, yeah, right. Dude, you're not going D1. You suck.

[Lamar]

That's so funny.

[Shane]

For real. Remember in as an adult, like not an adult, but as a senior reading it, being like, God damn it. I didn't live up to my expectation. Oh, never mind. I knew that's funny.

[Lamar]

Wise beyond your years.

[Shane]

But yeah, the late night things giving me anxiety. But that'll be. It'll be fun.

[Lamar]

Yeah, that seems kind of low pressure.

[Shane]

I'm just going to talk about garbage is a superstar now. And if season two is a success, Gervin's gonna be. He's gonna be lost in the sauce.

[Lamar]

Oh, yeah, for sure. He'll be whole. Have his own little topgolf castle.

[Shane]

He's the king of Westchester golf. He really is. He had. He made guys film him hit golf balls the other day.

[Lamar]

What?

[Shane]

It's actually. It was actually pretty exciting.

[Lamar]

Who was filming him?

[Shane]

Just his country club boys.

[Lamar]

That's so tight. Yeah, that is so.

[Shane]

He's a man there. He runs that. He's like, Shane, I gotta tell you, I think I'm the most famous guy at the country club. He broke 80 though. He broke 80? No, Kirby's is good.

[Lamar]

That's really good.

[Shane]

And he filmed it. It was kind of nice. It was on his Instagram story. So he was like, I'm about to break 80 on this hole. This could be it.

[Lamar]

But he shoot like a 70, 79 or something.

[Shane]

You shot 79?

[Lamar]

Dang. He's been really golfing it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

That's awesome. I was pumped on myself. I did a under 8 minute mile this morning.

[Shane]

That's tough.

[Lamar]

755. I was dying sick. Ever since you told me about the Murphy workout, I was like, I gotta.

[Shane]

Do that Murphy workout. Blows dick.

[Lamar]

Yeah, don't do it. What is it, a mile?

[Shane]

It's a mile and then like 100 push ups, 300 push ups 500. It's crazy. Never mind.

[Lamar]

I did a baby version. I just did a mile.

[Shane]

No, I did the. That's the one I did. Yeah.

[Lamar]

It's crazy.

[Shane]

It's like 100 push ups. And I was like, all right, that's a lot, dude.

[Lamar]

That's what I did.

[Shane]

He's like 50 pull ups. I was like, yeah, bad news for you, brother.

[Lamar]

You have to do 51.

[Shane]

I'm gonna rip my shoulders trying to get one.

[Lamar]

Yeah, you'll get up, man. But yeah, that, that was. That's the one thing I do like having a little test going on where I'm trying to get stuff like that down over and over. It's pretty chill. 755 was huge. I was at. I was a 10 minute miler for a while.

[Shane]

10 minutes, nice.

[Lamar]

10 minutes chill.

[Shane]

10 minutes.

[Lamar]

10 minutes chill. Yeah, I got an 811 a week before, and I was like, I gotta break eight. And I looked and I was at like seven on the fourth lap, coming like halfway around, and I just was like, I'm gonna get a 7:30. And I looked up, it was like 7:57. I was like, I'll take it.

[Shane]

That's great.

[Lamar]

It was nice. Yeah, it was nice. I'm trying to break it. I'm gonna try to break that seven. I could get. I could get like low sevens is my goal. That'd be chill. Low sevens would be sick. And then again, dude, just hard, really hard, rock hard, in fantastic shape. And just. That's it. That's all I'll do for the rest of my life.

[Shane]

Just have boners and set boners. Have boners and run and not come and run.

[Lamar]

Yeah, that's my. That's kind of my plan. And I'm gonna try.

[Shane]

That could be your plan, dude. You'll be living the American dream. But you know what? I'll be that. All right, let's go to the Patreon.