Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark

Podcast Information:

• Title: Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast
• Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
• Episode: Ep 566 - Destroying The Ark
• Release Date: July 2, 2025

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1. Health Concerns and Personal Struggles

The episode opens with Matt and Shane discussing personal health issues, particularly focusing on swollen testicles and epididymitis. Sean shares his struggles with the condition, emphasizing the physical and emotional toll it has taken on him.

• Sean on Epididymitis:
  • "[00:27] Sean: … I'm suffering from epididymitis right now, which seems to be more than I thought it was."

Matt and Shane engage in a humorous yet empathetic conversation about the discomfort and stigma surrounding such health issues.

• Shane on TSA Scans:
  • "[00:48] Shane Gillis: We can put to rest the idea that TSA scans you if you have a big dick. Because I got scanned."

2. Sobriety and Lifestyle Choices

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around sobriety. Sean celebrates a week without alcohol, highlighting the benefits and challenges of staying sober. Shane contrasts his own experiences, sharing anecdotes about struggling with abstinence.

• Sean on Sobriety:

  • "[08:18] Sean: I'd rather chop it off."

• Shane on His Sobriety Journey:

  • "[05:14] Shane Gillis: Yeah, that's good."

3. Family Dynamics and Parenting Challenges

Matt and Shane delve into the intricacies of parenting, sharing stories about their children crashing into their beds and the chaos that ensues. They humorously critique household decorations and discuss the frustrations of managing a playful yet mischievous household.

• Matt on Kids Climbing Over Pillows:
  • "[17:55] Matt McCusker: I always swipe those off. So it's like a minefield of pillows."

4. Everyday Humor and Household Anecdotes

The hosts inject humor into everyday situations, such as leaving "poop streaks" in toilets and the challenges of maintaining cleanliness. They advocate for using products like Dude Wipes, blending comedy with practical advice.

• Matt on Cleaning Issues:
  • "[13:05] Matt McCusker: I left a. I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning."

5. Performance Anxiety and Taping Experiences

Matt shares his experiences preparing for a major show in Atlantic City, detailing the pressures and setbacks during taping days. He recounts humorous incidents, including accidentally injuring himself and dealing with on-stage nerves.

• Matt on Stage Nerves:
  • "[37:10] Sean: I was more nervous than you were."
  • "[41:23] Sean: I've been reading about the desert fathers. Did you ever get down with those guys?"

Shane offers comedic relief by comparing Matt's struggles to exaggerated scenarios, emphasizing their camaraderie in overcoming performance jitters.

6. Cultural References and Light-Hearted Banter

Throughout the episode, Matt and Shane reference various cultural elements, including sports figures like Hulk Hogan and Joe Rogan, as well as religious themes. Their playful banter adds depth and relatability to the conversation.

• Shane on Hulk Hogan:

  • "[11:02] Matt McCusker: I murdered Hulk Hogan."

• Discussion on Religion:

  • "[58:56] Matt McCusker: You are going to start over from the beginning of evolution now, jerk God sitting in a show like this, smashing the button."

7. Navigating Social Situations and Public Behavior

The hosts discuss their interactions in public settings, sharing cringe-worthy and humorous experiences. From mistaken hotel check-ins to intense arguments with friends, Matt, Shane, and Sean illustrate the unpredictability of social encounters.

• Shane on Wrong Hotel Experience:
  • "[48:43] Sean: … I was in a K hole."
  • "[51:00] Matt McCusker: They said they thought it was liquid cocaine."

8. Reflections and Personal Growth

Towards the end of the episode, Matt reflects on his experiences and personal growth, especially in relation to handling stress and anxiety. The trio encourages listeners to seek therapy and manage mental health proactively.

• Shane on Therapy:

  • "[33:54] Sean: … schedule a therapy session. I'm a big fan of therapy."

• Matt on Personal Growth:

  • "[41:24] Matt McCusker: … Just do your stupid thing."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Shane Gillis on Testicular Issues:

  • "[00:40] Shane Gillis: Have you guys discussed your testicles? Would you like to keep your medicals?"

• Sean on Pain and Shame:

  • "[07:57] Sean: … I felt like less of a man because I couldn't continue."

• Matt on Sobriety:

  • "[08:28] Shane Gillis: 11 days without a come. Nice."

• Shane on Parenting:

  • "[17:24] Shane Gillis: Every night when I go to bed. Yeah, you're naked. Sleep."

• Sean on Urgent Care Experience:

  • "[46:02] Shane Gillis: They got that."

• Matt on Performance Taping:

  • "[37:03] Sean: I was more nervous than you were."

Conclusion

Episode 566 of "Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast" offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and relatable discussions. From health struggles and sobriety journeys to parenting challenges and performance anxieties, Matt, Shane, and Sean provide an engaging narrative that resonates with listeners. Their candid conversations underscore the importance of addressing personal issues with humor and solidarity, making this episode both entertaining and insightful.

Note: Advertisements and promotional segments within the episode have been excluded from this summary to focus solely on the main content.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

The Wild, Wild West. You. What the Is up, dude?

[Shane Gillis]

Hey.

[Matt McCusker]

What the hell? This is crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

What's going on?

[Matt McCusker]

Chilling, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Just.

[Matt McCusker]

Just chilling.

[Shane Gillis]

Nothing. What is all this?

[Matt McCusker]

It's just absolutely just the.

[Shane Gillis]

Is this.

[Matt McCusker]

This is my stuff. It was my setup. This was the boat. While you were gone, I had a. I had to construct the ark. This is the ark. It's the ark, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

This was the. What are you doing down there?

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, the podcast.

[Sean]

Sorry.

[Matt McCusker]

The podcast flooded. Dud. Yank it, bro. That's what he wants to do to his penis right now so bad, but he can't.

[Shane Gillis]

Have you guys discussed your testicles? Would you like to keep your medicals?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Sean, can you talk about. You should raise awareness about your swollen epididymis. You think it has to do with your giant dick banging against it?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. Obviously, he does have a giant dick. We both. But we can put the rest. We can put to rest the idea that TSA scans you if you have a big dick. Because I got scanned.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Full tinas.

[Matt McCusker]

So far, the only people I know that happened to are you, Nate and Shannon Sharp.

[Shane Gillis]

So I've seen guard dog get it. And Nate and Sean both have world renowned giant hogs.

[Matt McCusker]

It could have just been your aura. You might. Your aura might have been crazy that day.

[Shane Gillis]

It is uncomfortable. I've never had the guy do the back of the hands thing. And they really do it. Yo. They really stroke you?

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

It's up.

[Sean]

Yeah. Thank you. That would have hurt if it happened to me. Right now my testicles are so swollen and tender.

[Matt McCusker]

That would have sucked. Whenever I go. When I. I. I have TSA pre checks, I don't have to go through the scanner, but I would walk out the scanner and they go, have a good day, ma' am. And I'm like, what the.

[Shane Gillis]

We all just saw your.

[Matt McCusker]

Skin.

[Sean]

The ultrasound was nice, though.

[Shane Gillis]

I've.

[Sean]

You had that, right?

[Shane Gillis]

I had a test. Did you ultrasound once? Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Warm jelly.

[Shane Gillis]

It's. I was a nurse and I was joking the whole time, and he did not like it. And he was wearing a Steelers bandana. I remember that. That was funny. He's wearing a Steelers bandana and rubbing gel on my nuts.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, steelers look good this year, right? He was like, just be quiet during the procedure. Yeah, he was. He was like. He was. One word, Dismissive answers.

[Matt McCusker]

That sucks.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But he warmed the jelly for you. That's kind of weird.

[Shane Gillis]

It wasn't. It wasn't warm.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, you got cold jelly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I got regular jelly.

[Sean]

He Had a voluptuous, warm and sensual. And there was low lighting and candles lit and nice music playing in the.

[Shane Gillis]

Basement of a hospital. It was yours? It turns out.

[Matt McCusker]

Nothing.

[Sean]

Mine was just at a ultrasound place. Like a CAT scan ultrasound place.

[Shane Gillis]

It was just you and, like, a baby place. That's why it was like, yeah, baby, yeah. It wasn't for your balls. It was for women.

[Sean]

Well, they did it on my balls. Turns out they're twins.

[Matt McCusker]

How.

[Shane Gillis]

How are your balls?

[Sean]

They're okay. I am suffering from epid. I'm suffering from epididymitis right now, which seems to be more than I thought it was, but just not a lot of people are vocal about it, so I'm happy to be vocal about it and say that I'm struggling with it right now. Raise awareness for epididymitis. I'm almost done with my antibiotics, and it still kind of hurts, so that makes me nervous.

[Matt McCusker]

That sucks.

[Sean]

I tried to be sexually active this morning, and the pain came right back.

[Matt McCusker]

So when you said you tried, how far did you get in the process?

[Sean]

I was. Well, I don't want to be graphic. I had a boner, and I. I started out. Of course, no intercourse.

[Shane Gillis]

Was it. Did you start with petting with a partner?

[Sean]

There was some heavy petting, and then I was with my partner.

[Shane Gillis]

You were aroused during heavy putting?

[Sean]

Yes. So then I was like, hell. Hell what? You know, I feel pretty good now. Why not just give it a shot?

[Matt McCusker]

And then I was like, oh, we have to stop. Right? Sure. She was on board for sexual penetration. You're like, hey, I'm gonna show you. Are you okay with this? Yes.

[Sean]

Yes. I made sure everything was okay.

[Shane Gillis]

It's podiums just looking over at you with that dumbass. I'm gonna penetrate you.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's truly. Definitely when the Roman Empire was, like, falling apart and they would, like, throw a giant Festivus just to keep it together.

[Shane Gillis]

It was trot out some dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I was reading about the. Glad you're. But you want to continue what happened, though? So you were in your. Your.

[Sean]

Oh, well, we don't have to continue.

[Shane Gillis]

You were in the throes of petting.

[Sean]

I was in the throes of petty. And then turned to passion.

[Shane Gillis]

And then turn.

[Sean]

So turn penetration.

[Shane Gillis]

It's nice when petting leads to passion. It usually does. But when it doesn't and all you did was pet a little, then you get angry. Disastrous char.

[Sean]

Well, that's how I am.

[Matt McCusker]

Right?

[Sean]

I'm. I'm very charged up right now because I engaged in sexual. Sexual act. But I didn't get to finish the sexual act. So now I'm sort of just angry and in pain in my test score.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I'm telling you, I'm sorry.

[Sean]

That's tmi.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not taking the bottle at all.

[Sean]

No, because the probiotics. I'm a week off of booze right now, which is a lot. A pretty long time for me.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Sean]

So that feels good.

[Shane Gillis]

I just did a week and it sucked.

[Matt McCusker]

Why?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you were two weeks. I hated it. Really?

[Sean]

That whole time you were gone, you didn't drink.

[Shane Gillis]

I got the one night in and you hated it. I hated not drinking. Yeah. It's boring, dude. You wake up at 6am and work.

[Matt McCusker]

It feels so good.

[Shane Gillis]

Not when you're working. I'm just so tired. I'm just going home and sleeping.

[Matt McCusker]

True. You know, I should be hungover. I'll be suffering.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Kind of is pointless suffering. If you're not hungover, you're like, I could just be hungover and feel bad.

[Shane Gillis]

I did have probably the best break in the sobriety, though. It worked for a week. And then the one night I had off, I went to a bar in Atlanta. I was sitting upstairs and they were like, hey, Charles Barkley just got here. And I was like, I'm gonna have to. I gotta say hi to him before we leave.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like, there's no way he knows who I am. Got down. He's like, hey, tires. I was like, let's go. And then me and Charles Barkley got.

[Sean]

That's so.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

For like two hours. It was awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome. That's the drinking. God's rewarding you.

[Shane Gillis]

It was. Honestly. Yeah. Blue night. The blue night. Laid him.

[Sean]

Dilly.

[Shane Gillis]

Dilly. Yeah, it was. I was thinking about if I could pick one person to go get up with. It probably would have been Charles Bark for sure.

[Sean]

Was he as awesome as he seems?

[Shane Gillis]

He was the man.

[Matt McCusker]

One of my friends did electrical work in his house, like, years ago and was like, he's the coolest dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he's the coolest dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He was like, let's talk about race. I was like, let's do it, Chuck.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, really? Let's do it. Do anything you want.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Turns out me and him agree on a lot. That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

So that was a good. Yeah, that was a good night.

[Sean]

Hell, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

But you penetrated a little this morning.

[Matt McCusker]

And then.

[Sean]

And I had to give up because it just hurt so bad. And I felt so much shame. I kind of. I felt like less of a man because I couldn't continue.

[Shane Gillis]

That happens.

[Sean]

I felt like that happens.

[Shane Gillis]

The blue knight giveth, the blue knight takes away. Yeah, you feel like less of a man. It's the worst when the girl's like, that's okay. You got. Shut the up.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, dude, it was your fault.

[Sean]

So. So I got out of ice pack. Like, I was like, I had to stop and then get an ice pack and sit by myself.

[Matt McCusker]

She get to nurse you or do you have to nurse yourself?

[Sean]

I didn't want to be nursed. I was kind of just ashamed of myself. So I just sat on the couch and iced my desk.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode is brought to you by DoorDash because the summer of DASH Pass is back. Check daily from June 26 through July 30 for massive summer savings on restaurants, groceries and brands. So sign up for DASH Pass now if you haven't already. DASH Pass benefits apply only. Only to eligible orders, so terms apply. A sober. Losing a boner's got to be tough.

[Sean]

I didn't even lose the boner. It was just my nut hurt really bad, so.

[Matt McCusker]

Icing your giant dick on the couch. I just had to ice my giant hard dick on the couch.

[Sean]

No, no, no, it wasn't hard. At the time of the icing, I was just hot.

[Matt McCusker]

Giant soft six.

[Shane Gillis]

Piece of.

[Matt McCusker]

My languorous genitals.

[Sean]

I'm embarrassed, but I am happy I don't have to suffer in silence anymore.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Sean]

I'm happy to get the word out.

[Matt McCusker]

You must feel better. I'm 11 days in. I mean, people don't hear about this anymore. Just rocking.

[Sean]

I'd rather chop it off.

[Shane Gillis]

11 days without a come. Nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Just rocking. There's nobody doing. I don't give a. I was talking to my.

[Shane Gillis]

That sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

I do. I'm telling you. Flip switch. I'm like, every day.

[Shane Gillis]

You like it?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I'm just charged up and I know it's coming, so it's like. It'll come eventually. I just don't. I've just, like, unburdened myself from thinking about it all the time. But my. I won't say who this was, but I. I have an ally in my, you know, kind of my chastity. And. Was that full time. But he was saying if he sees an attractive woman, he just stops and goes, thank you for the energy boost. And he just keeps it moving.

[Shane Gillis]

Good Lord.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, if I had to guess, my brother.

[Matt McCusker]

My brother.

[Sean]

There's A lot of.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, there's a lot of weird guys.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

A lot of weirdos. You say Egan? Oh, I was gonna say Egan's Egan.

[Sean]

Well, we already talked about this. This is his business, not mine.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, egan's on, like, 100 days again.

[Sean]

Yeah, he's easy. I hope he's not lying, though, if.

[Shane Gillis]

It turns out he's. Sounds like.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought about that. If you lie about.

[Sean]

Just go to confession every week, it.

[Matt McCusker]

Could be I'm lying about no f. I masturbated. If you lie about nofap, that's how you end up, like, smoking meth with little boys at a youth camp. Start lying about sex stuff, it just. I feel like the wheels come off. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. If you. You gotta give up lying about sex stuff, probably freshman year of high school.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

That's when you're. Everyone's at their peak. That titty. I had one friend that lied about titty, a girl. It's awesome. What a great lie. Yeah, we. We didn't. We didn't have sex, but we. I titty her.

[Matt McCusker]

I've always admired those guys.

[Shane Gillis]

And we were all friends. We like. Did he titty you? She was like, no.

[Matt McCusker]

That's such a sick move. It never occurred to me to just lie about having sex with a lady. It's never my move.

[Sean]

I never. I remember I used to lie about saying there was a stretch of time where everybody I grew up with would be like, nah, I don't masturbate. That's weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Sean]

Yeah. And like, some other. Well, no, this is like, I was too, eventually. But there was, like, about a year when we were, like, 13 or 12 where everyone's like, nah, that's. That's lame or gay or whatever. We don't do that. But then we all started doing.

[Shane Gillis]

Is it the wrestling buddies?

[Sean]

No, just buddies. Buddies.

[Matt McCusker]

Just sodomizing wrestling buddies. I thought you're talking about the, like, the pillow wrestling buddies. Oh, no.

[Shane Gillis]

To my wrestling buddy once.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, for. What do you do?

[Shane Gillis]

Stabbed Hulk Hogan.

[Matt McCusker]

What? I hung a teddy bear from a tree.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. My parents were very.

[Matt McCusker]

They're upset.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

What was he doing in your room last night?

[Matt McCusker]

I murdered Hulk Hogan. Yeah. Stripped the stuffing out of a teddy bear and hung it from a tree when I was little. And my parents are similarly like, what the are you doing? I'm like, it's funny. They're like, that's not funny at all. It's disturbing. I was like, whatever. I was done with it.

[Shane Gillis]

They shouldn't have gave me a pocket knife.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

You know.

[Matt McCusker]

You poked off your cell, hit Hulk Hogan with the hawk.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he kept taking bottom bunk. I was getting bitched by him. Just me and him.

[Matt McCusker]

No, you go up top.

[Shane Gillis]

Fine.

[Matt McCusker]

You're getting humped by a wrestling pillow. Hulk.

[Shane Gillis]

One night I said, enough is enough. Took a Swiss army.

[Matt McCusker]

You're one of Hulk's boys. Dude in the cell?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he had a whole stable. My dad. My dad. You get my dad. He was like a Chucky doll, except it was. He would rap me. My dad.

[Matt McCusker]

Your dad was shot. Calling on the yard.

[Shane Gillis]

He's tough.

[Matt McCusker]

There's no way.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, me and my dad were Aryan brothers.

[Sean]

Well, Hulk might be, too.

[Shane Gillis]

Hulkamania. Yeah, he's definitely there. He's an Arian brother.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be nice. Watching, like, WWE with, like, the Aryan Brotherhood and, like, a white wrestler wins.

[Shane Gillis]

Are probably, like, they're probably going nuts during this DX versus Nation of Domination days. I know. I was. Wow, that got me. That stirred some racism I didn't know I had yet. DX all did blackface. I was like, yeah, it's all good, dad.

[Matt McCusker]

What is this feeling when I see the nation, I get so upset.

[Shane Gillis]

You're growing up, son.

[Matt McCusker]

Let's take a walk, son. Oh, fudge.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's the birds and the bees combo trail. They're different. This episode of Matt and Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by. Dude Wipes.

[Matt McCusker]

Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah. Every time.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, Every single time.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I did it all week.

[Shane Gillis]

Disaster.

[Matt McCusker]

I left a. I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah, it was crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

There's nothing wrong with that.

[Matt McCusker]

No, it was a paint job.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it?

[Matt McCusker]

Pretty much an extra pair per day.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I always bring extra underwear.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Not because I'm My pants constantly.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I just used to probably work the.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on? Dude, how horny are these people? What do they want to know?

[Matt McCusker]

There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a stand up wiper. Honestly, sitting down, I just smears every. I don't know. I can't do it.

[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

Nice. Dude. I was. I was reading about the Aztecs last night before I went to bed, and I didn't. They had a game, you know, like, all those places they. All those, like, places had, like, a sacred game they would play. I didn't, like. I've, like, heard of it mentioned. I never. I, like, looked it up. Like, what exactly was it they used to play? Kind of. It was like soccer mixed with basketball.

[Shane Gillis]

Where it was like, human head. No, no, no.

[Sean]

That's what I heard, too.

[Matt McCusker]

No, they were playing with a. Actually a giant rubber. It was a 15 pound bouncy ball the size of a soccer ball, and you couldn't touch it with your hands or feet. And they would just. They would put it in play. They would throw it down. Like, it was like a stone courtyard with, like, stone walls. And you had to just, like, run and just hit it with your hip or your elbows or your shoulders, and dudes would, like, break their bones on it. And you had to try to, like, bounce it without using your hands or feet, get it through a net that was. Or a hoop 10ft above.

[Sean]

I think I might have seen, like, a modern version of this on Instagram or something.

[Matt McCusker]

That's insane.

[Sean]

I think they're still doing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you hit the ball, shoulder it, and then you can hit, like, little, like, targets on the wall. But then if, like, the losers would a lot of times get sacrificed if it was like, an important game. But yeah, it was nuts.

[Sean]

That is nuts.

[Matt McCusker]

Cortez was none too pleased. He saw it.

[Shane Gillis]

I said, shut this down. It's time for you guys to play football.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, it was funny because I was reading it. It was like, they're like, dude. The Aztecs were arguably just as advanced as the Spaniards.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, the city, I think we found out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well, they were too darn nice.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what keeps happening. All these two. Everybody that's ever been conquered was just too nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Too nice, man. They were too crazy. Even the who. Who are the people on Hispaniola. It's now the Dominican Republic and Haiti. But they were like the Toni or something. And they. Apparently Christopher Columbus rolled up on him and he goes.

[Shane Gillis]

He wrote in his own journals, you guys make good slaves. They're docile.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, well, he's like, they're just so nice. He called them naked, basically. Naked and afraid. He goes, they're so naked. And t. He's like, they're naked and timid. He's like, I'm definitely gonna smack. And he. Like, they helped him build a settlement. And then something happened. It got up and he came back and literally destroyed the entire population.

[Sean]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

Although a lot of disease kind of was like 80.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But. Yeah, that sucks, bro. To be, like, at the zenith of your setup and just. You're literally slaves. Spaniards, worse. They were probably like, dude, when is 1400 gonna be over? Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

1493 is gonna be my year.

[Matt McCusker]

Populations decreased. Our populations decreased by 80. I can't wait for this year to be over. I'm so done with 1492.

[Shane Gillis]

It must have been. Yeah, that was. It was a tough time.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. Especially when you find out later on that he called you naked and timid. I'd be so mad. They're all naked and scared. Like, I mean, that would piss me off. I'm naked and afraid.

[Shane Gillis]

They were naked.

[Matt McCusker]

They were literally naked and afraid. They were in the show.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Would have been scary.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. But it was.

[Sean]

I was naked and afraid this morning.

[Shane Gillis]

When my testicles started.

[Matt McCusker]

You're all timid on the gap.

[Shane Gillis]

Nothing worse than being naked and afraid.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Every night when I go to bed. Yeah, you're naked. Sleep. I am a naked sleeper.

[Sean]

I don't know how you do.

[Shane Gillis]

That's how you scare off criminals. Eagles, assault rifle, and a tiny penis.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that would be terrified. If I'd rather like, just five Dogs attack.

[Shane Gillis]

Giant naked man's favorite team on the gun.

[Matt McCusker]

I'd be like, I'm dead.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I used to be a naked sleeper. Now I have to wear, like, at least boxer shorts now because, like, my kids.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta get up. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah. I gotta get up with them. And they just. Now they just crawl on. They can climb over their gates now. So last. I literally woke up last night, like, two in the morning. Chloe was in my bed. I'm like, where the. Did you get it? She climbed. She showed me how did it this morning. She climbs up, crawls over, and I have like a. You know, like the decorative pillows on the bed. Yeah, I always swipe those off. So it's like a minefield of pillows. She navigated it all somehow of just like walking through the pitch black over pillows. Climbed over me. Didn't wake me up.

[Shane Gillis]

I know it's played out, but the decorative pillows, dude.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Big pillow. Got our. With that yeah. Tricked all the crazy, dude, that's the dumbest thing possible.

[Matt McCusker]

It's so annoying, dude.

[Sean]

You can't even sleep with them. Have you tried to sleep with one, like on your chest? It's the most uncomfortable.

[Shane Gillis]

Uncomfortable.

[Sean]

It's the most rough, jagged edged pillow.

[Matt McCusker]

Tassels on the side. They're. They're dumbest.

[Shane Gillis]

They're the jagged edge.

[Matt McCusker]

True. I hate right now. I. They're so annoying. Especially like in the mornings where my babe will be like, help me make the bed.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like, dude, we gotta stack eight pillows.

[Matt McCusker]

Don't put in like that. I'm like, dude, I'm gonna burn the house down with our whole family telling me how to arrange these pillows.

[Shane Gillis]

Decorative blankets are rough too.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got some scratchy ass blankets.

[Shane Gillis]

They're like three feet wide. They're just scarves. Put them on the back of your couch. You're laying down, you go, oh, there's a blanket right there. Never mind.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I. I am going to need women to kind of get it together. Stop getting tricked by marketing. And my wife reads her marketing emails. I'm like, you know, you can separate your inbox, dude, the deals.

[Shane Gillis]

Adidas, 10 off.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. I've watched her do it.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm like, bro, that's terrifying.

[Matt McCusker]

You can separate your inbox. She's like, no, no, it's just.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna see what the deals are, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll see her in bed. I'm like, stop looking at that stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

Holy.

[Matt McCusker]

She reads her whole inbox.

[Sean]

That's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

That's who those are for. Then I've always wondered, I was like.

[Matt McCusker]

Why do they do this? It's girls. Girls. And they hear the deals, bro, and it just triggers something for them. It's. It's like, they're. They're forgers, bro. We're out for the hunt.

[Shane Gillis]

They're foragers.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

And they, it just. It's like a little ford. Like there's berries in the pasture and they go and collect them.

[Shane Gillis]

And.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that shit's been. That freaks me out when I see her like 10 off now. And I'm like, bro, shut it down. Shut down the spam.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's. It's 100 off for you everywhere. So true.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So stop worrying about deals. All of a sudden you're frugal with my money. Spend $900 on pillows that no one's put their head on once.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, a travesty. And then they'll see. That's the problem. They'll see other pointless Pillows and be like, those are nice. Where did you get those from? Guys, I've moved these things around a lot, you know, They've taken a lot of back and forth.

[Shane Gillis]

I should have not told you. I'd be like, yeah, I'll do the podiums you got here. They all smashed.

[Matt McCusker]

Who did this ending by just putting your fist through that painting would be. Make sure. Make sure there's no glass. No glass. That'd be so sick.

[Shane Gillis]

What do you think of that painting?

[Matt McCusker]

I. I've discussed this a couple times, man. I mean, it looks like he's kind of freaks selling him on this lady some. I think someone's, like, discovering them.

[Sean]

It looks like she might be foraging too. She might be getting a 10 lady.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll tell you what that lady's doing right now. She's being a.

[Shane Gillis]

Definitely.

[Matt McCusker]

Look, they even moved the picnic basket out the way. What do you think they're gonna do right there? That picnic blanket's all bunched up, bro.

[Sean]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It could be done. She could be washing off back there.

[Sean]

Oh, that's right. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Think about that.

[Sean]

Looks like there's a burning canoe in the background too. What's up with that burning canoe?

[Shane Gillis]

It's not burning.

[Sean]

It kind of looks like it's burning.

[Matt McCusker]

Scuttle the ships, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

True. The women are here on the island.

[Matt McCusker]

You guys aren't going anywhere trying to get those women. Women naked and timid, dude.

[Lemaire]

I think that water is something from her.

[Matt McCusker]

You think she's gushing, bro?

[Sean]

I think she's stopping.

[Matt McCusker]

That might be the first time anyone's ever interpreted that. I think that there's a lot of interpretations. I think that lady's gushing.

[Shane Gillis]

1820. You're the first guy to go. I think that the creek is coming out of the woman. Congratulations. You're the dumbest guy who's ever seen this painting. Dogs have looked at that painting and understood that that was a body of water.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just juices.

[Shane Gillis]

I would like to take you to an art museum. Just have you look at paintings.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

See Lemaire's interpretation of art.

[Matt McCusker]

True. Yeah. This thing. What do you think about that?

[Shane Gillis]

I think it's dumb as hell.

[Matt McCusker]

You don't like that?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I don't like that.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you think about the one behind you?

[Sean]

I like these two the most.

[Shane Gillis]

I like that the most.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I think Sick as hell.

[Sean]

That one's my favorite. That one's my second.

[Matt McCusker]

I like the. I usually would put that behind guests. It was just nice to have, like.

[Sean]

The rainbow imagery is confusing, though. In this day and age, harboring what's to come. Never mind.

[Matt McCusker]

Resurrection. What the are you talking about?

[Sean]

Never mind.

[Shane Gillis]

Storm has passed.

[Matt McCusker]

Sean, first of all, that's the most heterosexual rainbow you'll ever see. It's basically gray.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

You're trying to hit me with that stuff.

[Sean]

Forgive me.

[Matt McCusker]

It's okay.

[Sean]

Oh, dude, I'm talking out of my boss.

[Matt McCusker]

Obviously. I will show not forgive you right now.

[Sean]

Thank you.

[Matt McCusker]

People forget, man, thou shalt not judge is also a commandment.

[Sean]

That's right.

[Matt McCusker]

Not judging by saying that. I've been on substack lately. Dude, I'm trying to replace substack with any, like, social media scrolling and I pretty much have done it. It's so tight.

[Shane Gillis]

Subsect. Just so good. Random people.

[Matt McCusker]

Random people. Articles. I read a lady. I didn't read the whole thing. I read the paragraph and just kind of sort of.

[Shane Gillis]

Just longer Twitter posts.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. Like, well, like proofreading. But it was a lady being like, basically, like, why is everyone telling us to not want so much? Oh, if I want to be touched, if I want to eat. And it's just like, dude, okay, like, sick take. It's like, I want to have sex more and eat more. It's like, obviously, dude, everybody. That's everybody in the world. But clearly, if you follow that logic.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, make me a fat.

[Matt McCusker]

Literally.

[Shane Gillis]

Why is it so Big fat horse.

[Matt McCusker]

Giant fatty horde, Literally. That would be you.

[Shane Gillis]

That'd be you.

[Matt McCusker]

You'd be naked in the woods, surrounded by food, being like, maybe this was a. It was just a funny take to be like, everyone's holding women back, telling us we shouldn't want so much. It's like, yeah, that's. We've been talking about this for thousands of years. What are you talking.

[Shane Gillis]

God, we're doing that. If we weren't doing that, it'd be a disaster. Yeah, every dude wasn't like, don't be a slut. Why are you wearing that? Every girl would be in a. They'd be dressed like Kanye's wife. Like, why? This is what I like to. We.

[Matt McCusker]

I actually, I, I, I think the women. And again, I, I'm not going to talk about, like, porn, PMO or whatever, but I think the, the carb now, because I've been going to this one gym in Austin and it's like, dude, it's unbelievable. Like, front and back wedgies. A spandex that cup the butt cheeks as small as a sports bra.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, spandex is crazy, bro. It's Got like a thong.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. Literally built into it. And it's like. I do think it's like, so what the question would be, why. Why do women, like, why did it. It. Why is it escalating to the point where it's like. It's almost Bianca sensory or whatever? Bianca sensory? That's not going to be that crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If it doesn't, you know, if the trend doesn't reverse and it is. It's. It's goon brain.

[Shane Gillis]

My mom better not start. Oh, my mom's.

[Matt McCusker]

It's goon brain, dude. I think they need. If they need to stimulate past the goon brain, the hardening callousness of, you.

[Shane Gillis]

Know, stick with coaches, polos and gym shorts.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, obviously you're.

[Shane Gillis]

Bro, I've been. I've been rocking this Coach's polo for 15 years.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you're doing the right thing.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you understand that?

[Matt McCusker]

Imagine if you started hot dogging out here, dude. Dressing like. If you just start dressing like Bruno. There was a guy at the gym dressed like Bruno, dude. He had, for real, a leotard tank top I bought.

[Sean]

We did a leo.

[Shane Gillis]

Stick it out. The front was thin, sticking out. I was like, I'm never gonna wear this.

[Matt McCusker]

This rock.

[Shane Gillis]

The Rock designed it.

[Matt McCusker]

I had a tank top yesterday. I was actually.

[Sean]

Dj.

[Matt McCusker]

My nipples are. I got called out yesterday for my nipples popping out of a tank. My daughter's, for some reason, like, really monitor if my nipples pop. It, like, dad, your nipple showing. I'm like, all right, bro. I was in the emergency room last night because Maya, it's wasn't that serious. She got a giant splinter, and we couldn't get it out of her foot. It was like a exorcism. She was just like. So I was like, we'll get. We'll take the ER and they'll, like, numb it and whatever. And I was just at the thing. They were just like the whole time like, dad, your nipples are out. I'm like, I'm talking to the doctor. Shut the up right now. Trying to get out of here. We had pizza on the way.

[Shane Gillis]

Still had to adjust it. Yeah, dude, while you're talking to me, like, yeah, all right.

[Matt McCusker]

I literally would put my nipple away and be like, you guys stretch my shirts out. That's why my nipples stick out. Stop putting your arm down my shirt. Yeah, it was a nightmare. We were leaving. We left the pool. We got rained out of the pool, went to the playground. They're like, we need shoes. I'm like, you guys don't need shoes. We're on mulch. Who cares?

[Shane Gillis]

And just caught a mulch, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It was a splinter. Was like, for real. It wasn't even a splinter. It was a chunk of wood was in her foot. And yeah, we like, held her down try to get her out. The guy actually took a. Like a needle and he dug it. Because we tried tweezers didn't work. So we had to use a syringe and, like, dig in and pop it up. It was. They have cream now. They can numb, like the spot before they give you like a shot. Basically, they put a patch on you. I was like, bro, give me that. I'm gonna start putting that on myself. When I get needles, I hate what they have it. They. I'm like, why don't you guys give this to everybody, dude?

[Sean]

That's when you get noodles.

[Matt McCusker]

You try to say, I'm on Royce, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Just wondering.

[Matt McCusker]

I do.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I'm not saying. I got my blood drawn. I got my blood.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm not juiced at all. What are you talking about?

[Sean]

Man went on a psycho for this.

[Shane Gillis]

You're wearing a shark tooth necklace, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Obviously.

[Shane Gillis]

That'S the telltale sign of being juiced up. Step one, shark tooth.

[Matt McCusker]

I promise I'm not.

[Shane Gillis]

You got. You got cut on your head.

[Matt McCusker]

You're the liver king.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, up.

[Matt McCusker]

Sorry. I've been training. I just been training.

[Shane Gillis]

We're gonna bookend it with love. We're gonna mosh pit in the middle. I've watched every single video. I've watched 20 hours of deliver K.

[Matt McCusker]

I wanted to get him on you, dude. You called it. I was like, we got to get him on. You're like, I don't know, man.

[Shane Gillis]

He's a loose canon.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he is. He's loose cannon, you know, I don't want him coming for. I don't want coming for our families next. That'd be terrible.

[Shane Gillis]

He's not gonna kill you, though. You've got a family. He wouldn't take you away from them.

[Matt McCusker]

Is that what his defense was?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he's not trying to kill anyone.

[Matt McCusker]

That checks out.

[Shane Gillis]

Then deliver a box to the comedy club. Got arrested for. They're like, it's a bomb.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I. Because I was wondering too. I'm like, all right, he's making weird videos. Why they arrest him? There was one where it was like.

[Shane Gillis]

Very dark and threatening up and down the hallway. The Four Seasons be like Joe Rogan.

[Matt McCusker]

But no, there was one like, something about like, I can't wait to meet your family or something. It was open ended and Very threatening. I was like, okay, never mind. I can see why they. I would not want that guy on my ass. If that guy was on my ass.

[Shane Gillis]

That'd be a tough one to have on your ass.

[Matt McCusker]

It's the toughest. Who the else would be?

[Shane Gillis]

Joe Rogan.

[Matt McCusker]

Tap him on your ass or talk to damn, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Joe Borgen was like, I'm gonna get your ass.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, oh, true. That would suck.

[Shane Gillis]

As Joe Horgan was doing bear crawls in a hallway. Like, I'm gonna kill you.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, I will say I was disappointed because the Jiu Jitsu match would have been so tight.

[Sean]

Yeah, it would.

[Matt McCusker]

It would have. It would have been crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

It would have been sad. But that's what Liberty Liver King was kind of asking for it. He wanted it. He was Mad Dog and he was like, break every bone in my body. He did.

[Matt McCusker]

He wanted a warrior's death. I kind of. I don't know. It's so funny to be like, beat my ass for my family. I need this.

[Shane Gillis]

Morgan.

[Matt McCusker]

The pay per view would have been crazy, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

You would have went, Joe Rogan versus.

[Matt McCusker]

The Holy Trinity Liver King 3.0.

[Sean]

Is that what he is?

[Shane Gillis]

Have you watched all. You gotta watch all. It's incredible. It's the same. He says the same thing over and over again on repeat.

[Matt McCusker]

What does he say?

[Shane Gillis]

Pound, pound. And lock it down. I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

Billy knows everything.

[Shane Gillis]

He's just repeating it over and over again. At one point, he does a Instagram live with a jug of coffee and an enema.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I saw that tube going from.

[Shane Gillis]

The jug into his ass. And he's in the shower, like, oh, just hanging out.

[Sean]

That was the only one.

[Matt McCusker]

He was doing a coffee enema.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he does a coffee enema.

[Matt McCusker]

I did one of those myself, indirectly, today. I know. I just drank a ton of coffee, went for a walk, and just classic. I've been taking creatine in a week, bro.

[Sean]

It was.

[Matt McCusker]

The creatine was pumping me up. I've been on the teen pretty hard pause, but I swear to God, I think I'm not. I think you guys are just silent. Me? I'm not that Jack, bro. You're pretty.

[Sean]

There's nothing.

[Shane Gillis]

Men's Warehouse pictures, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, they are.

[Shane Gillis]

So when I'm hosting the esp, you gotta do, like, promo for it. They put me in a tuxedo and I'm like, I can't do a photo shoot. It's the most uncomfortable.

[Matt McCusker]

So uncomfortable.

[Shane Gillis]

They try to make you do stuff.

[Matt McCusker]

They get you at the mothership. They'll be like, just lean against the wall.

[Shane Gillis]

I've escaped all mothership photos.

[Matt McCusker]

Good. That's a good.

[Sean]

The mayor came up with the best pose. When they do that, what do you do? Like this?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Please don't ever take my picture.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Cool photos.

[Shane Gillis]

He does. He's nice about it.

[Matt McCusker]

That's cool.

[Shane Gillis]

He doesn't do it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I don't mind a regular shot. Just like, hey, smile. Candid.

[Shane Gillis]

But they're like, they're posting them too much.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the same five people every single day. You go, hey, look at Tony again. He took a tough one the other day.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened?

[Shane Gillis]

They hit him with the gayest photo possible.

[Matt McCusker]

God damn it. Where they get him?

[Shane Gillis]

He was like, back right. Right behind the stage. But he had like a hand on a railing and like. No, it was a tough one.

[Matt McCusker]

Why'd they put that up?

[Shane Gillis]

Because I think, is it Hassan who does it? Yeah, there's a little hateful somebody running. It is. He finds wherever you look fattest and he posts it. Tommy. He's got several of Tommy where Tommy looks like he's £250.

[Matt McCusker]

That's crazy. Got you too.

[Sean]

I didn't got too.

[Matt McCusker]

Pretty bad hitting you guys with a fat Italian filter.

[Sean]

With the pizza man filter.

[Shane Gillis]

We look at Tommy, it looks like.

[Sean]

The guy that holds up the pizza box.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it was.

[Matt McCusker]

They got us. They got to suss that out. There's some.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't want to with anybody's money. Somebody's making money on taking these pictures every day.

[Matt McCusker]

It is nice having the photog. I will say.

[Shane Gillis]

Really?

[Sean]

Sometimes you get in.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah. I use those for the flyers and oh, yeah, pro photos, man. You can just rip those things and you know.

[Sean]

That's right.

[Matt McCusker]

It is useful to have as well as the video recordings, but you do that too.

[Shane Gillis]

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Help the help with the better. I've been so stressed with everything that is stressing me out at work. Yeah, it's been stressful.

[Matt McCusker]

Why has it been stressful for you?

[Shane Gillis]

There's just something going on in my personal life that's causing me anxiety. Oh, crap. Lately, Matt has been stressing me out.

[Matt McCusker]

This person's been stressing about.

[Shane Gillis]

Lately Matt has been stressing. Has been stressing me out.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been calling you, telling you about all my intrusive gay thoughts, and it's just like, you're like, man, I can't handle this. Right. That like Shane.

[Shane Gillis]

Anyway, stress is a real problem in the workplace. If it's One of the top causes of declining mental health right now. So it's probably a good idea that we all take a nice long break this summer to de stress and recoup.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, I like that.

[Shane Gillis]

And if you want to go the extra mile and really start taking care of you, schedule a therapy session. I'm a big fan of therapy.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It has taught me to feel comfortable.

[Matt McCusker]

My parents sent me to a camp when I was little and they caught me with the muscle magazine ammo.

[Shane Gillis]

And they. Now you like. Everyone can benefit, Whether you're stressed about deadlines or working through a major trauma. Matt, what's a major trauma you've had?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man, let me think about one. My brothers used to like beat me up and stuff. That. That's not major. I wouldn't say that was major, but I don't know. I want.

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe you should go talk to somebody about that. I should actually, brother, beat my ass. Getting a session is simpler than ever. Getting a session is simpler than ever. Just use better help. You can start chatting with a professional therapist and only a few clicks and even switch therapists whenever you want, which is sick for a session. Go actually next. Plus, the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp, can provide access to mental health professionals with diverse variety of expertise.

[Matt McCusker]

I kind of use it like chat roulette. Personally.

[Shane Gillis]

Our listeners. Our listeners. Matt, you're not gonna believe this. Our listeners get 10 first [e-mail] MSSP that's better H lp.com MSSP hey, guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey. Real quick. I just wanted to tell you I have a big show coming up in Atlantic City. It's in Ocean casino, Atlantic City, August 18th. The tickets are on my website. Matt McCusker.com could be the biggest show of my life. And I'll be in the area at the beach for that week, which will be pretty sick in brigantine. But, but guys, please come to the show. This is going to be a huge one. And you know, if I fail to sell tickets, I'll be. I'll be pretty bucked up. So please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please come. Ocean Casino, August 18th. It'll be a good time. No, it's not 16th. It's 18th, man. Check your phone, fool. What is it August 16th? Is it the 16th? Yeah, it's August 16th. Now I'm finna break her off just for being a good girl. Guys, thank you so much, please. August 16th. My bad. It is August 16th, not August 18th. Thank you, guys. Atlantic City, please come. I'm gonna Try to do a bunch of new stuff. Come on.

[Shane Gillis]

How's your. How's your taping?

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, it was so sick.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Such a pressure cooker, man. I. I brought my whole family with me. Like a dumbass insane move, crazy move, dude wife, obviously, you know, I'm not going to get into detail, but it was like the unfun half of the month going on there. Brought our babies, brought a babysitter with us times two. So I'm just rocking with. My wife got sick right away, so I had a sick wife. It was hell.

[Shane Gillis]

Obviously.

[Matt McCusker]

It was crazy. Yeah. You're sick. My wife has.

[Shane Gillis]

This is a huge weekend for me. Oh, I'm sick and mean. Oh, all right. The most important weekend of my life. Well, I might stomach hurts.

[Matt McCusker]

She had like 101 fever, dude. She had a 101. Just Rock is in there. Just like, oh, good luck.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, Jesus Christ.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it was.

[Sean]

Champed it.

[Matt McCusker]

Then she came. She champed it. Came out to the one.

[Sean]

Champed it too. You were so mellow the whole time, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

I had. I know.

[Sean]

I was more nervous than you were.

[Matt McCusker]

I was gonna freak out. I was freaking out leading up to it. I told you when I freaked out, dude, at three days before.

[Shane Gillis]

Yep.

[Matt McCusker]

It was. Yeah, true. It was actually. I'm. I'm happy. I kind of did. I actually connected to some sort of normal set of feelings. But I was like, just sitting there in my office being like, should I switch this to the third third person book I've been trying to write for like nine years? Oh, dude, that'd be sick to go in third person. And then he saw his wife. I just had like. And I was like, wait a second. I have to prepare for this special and I haven't performed in three weeks. And I was like, what the. The am I doing? And I just literally walked to Nando's and just got wings. And I knew I wasn't hungry. I was like, I'm eating for comfort. I followed my path. I literally did.

[Shane Gillis]

Following my absolute favorite.

[Matt McCusker]

I literally did. I was completely.

[Shane Gillis]

I got to change everything. You know what? I'm going to eat wings. I'm good.

[Matt McCusker]

I texted you right away. I was like. It made me laugh. I sat on the thing and I was like, this is exactly what he does. And I just. I was eating them outside in the heat and just sweat stinging my eyes. And I just. As I got more full, I was like, I. I feel okay just now.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you gotta get sick and hot. And there you go. Yeah, I'm ready to go on stage.

[Matt McCusker]

And I felt much better. And then I, like, you know, got it together. But I was still nervous because I had to do shows at the Hollywood Improv. Of course, we're, like, uncomfortable. They're gonna bring. There's like, a small room. Like, we're gonna bring a bunch of people out from the industry. I'm like, ah, great. Thanks.

[Shane Gillis]

Great.

[Matt McCusker]

Haven't. You know, I've. So then I at least got to perform at the Mothership. I ran it. I was like, all right. I still remember it. That's good. Did the improv. It was cool. And then. But yeah, then the taping, dude, I was like, first night I start, I was, like, freaking. And I kept flubbing lines. Like, the sets were fine. Kept flubbing.

[Shane Gillis]

You probably weren't flubbing them.

[Matt McCusker]

I was flubbing them, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

It's all in your head.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what they said.

[Shane Gillis]

Slight. It was a slight up. And in your head, you're like. At one point.

[Matt McCusker]

At one point, I literally. It was kind of funny. I was like, I start over, and it was fun. But the one I did flub so bad. A couple I did. And then. But the second. But then. So the first night, they were like, yeah, it's good. We got it. And I was like, I didn't love any of the sets. I was like, like, fine enough. And then the second night leading up to it, I literally cracked my head on a camera, dude. And you know. You know what was funny, though? Because I was, like, going in the second night, the whole thing, especially when it's like. I don't know if you ever dealt with this when, like, you see the whole camera set up and you're like, all these people here to film me. You're like, I'm gonna blow it, dude. Yeah, it's, like, just bugging out. I was like, I'm in over my head. But then when I hit my head, they were, like, just trying to fix it. It was, like, literally a bleeding wound. So they had to put liquid bandage on it and just cover it with makeup.

[Shane Gillis]

You should have kept the blood.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Just occasionally have an edit where your. Your face.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I would have been kind of sick.

[Shane Gillis]

That would have been awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

Especially because it would kind of play with the intro too. But the.

[Shane Gillis]

The one thing I want to do is put myself in the audience.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nasty.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, over and over again, laughing, just in different outfits.

[Matt McCusker]

Why don't you do that?

[Shane Gillis]

That's awesome. Maybe. Maybe this one. If this one's not good, I'll do something weird.

[Matt McCusker]

A AI the audience. Just you.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll do something goofy, Drew.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I had to do. No, that's not true, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

The.

[Matt McCusker]

So then I'm like. The second night is like, all right, you have to nail it this night. Like, all this, you know, all this hoopla to film it. And then I was sitting backstage, and just the fact that I cracked my head on a camera was, like, weirdly reassuring. I was like, dude, you're literally a dumbass. Like, yeah, stop worrying about anything. You're just a dumb moron who cracks your head. The day before, I was, like, doing jumps, too, because they're like, just like, alternate takes. I was, like, jumping off the stage, clearing, trying to, like, clear people at a table.

[Sean]

You're doing crazy jump so far, too.

[Matt McCusker]

They were like, you gotta stop. You get twisted ankle, you ruin the whole thing. And I was like, I don't care. Like, I'm gonna jump as high as I want to.

[Shane Gillis]

Break every bone in front of my. Destroy me in front of my family honor.

[Matt McCusker]

It turned out good, so I was happy. But it was. It was funny. It was such a dumb epiphany. Be like. I was a. Like, I gotta. I can't. I can't even try to pretend to.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, take this seriously.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Or myself whatsoever. Like, do I really have what it takes? It's like, no, you're a dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Just go.

[Matt McCusker]

Just do your stupid thing. All these cameras.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, the cameras. When I filmed the Netflix special, they have the big one on the, like, the crane. My whole first hour, I was just stared at it. The entire. Would fly through the air. So I'd be like, this has to be ruining the show for anybody. Anybody around.

[Matt McCusker]

This my second night, I had a giant white. Like a spackle patch on my forehead. Yeah, it was just bright white. Right now. Go to, like, make facial expressions. It would just be a smooth circle. It was so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

The. The movie I was just filming, I. The director would be like, find the lens. Look into the lens. When you say your line. I didn't know he meant, like, near the lens. I spent three days going, hey, he didn't catch it. He didn't catch it. So I might not be in this movie. Every scene I'm going, but what do we do now? Directly into the lens every single day. And then.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, they can just edit your eyes. Now the. The. Now the effects are crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

I. I eventually, like, day four of staring into the lens, I was like, when you say at the. At the. He's like, no, don't look into the lens. I. I got bad news for you. Every scene, they're going to AI your.

[Matt McCusker]

Eyes, where they're just kind of like this way.

[Shane Gillis]

Blind guy.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what they have to do. I think they're going to have to, like, use, like, editing to kind of like, make it look like it doesn't have a giant feel.

[Sean]

The second one looks better, though. I saw it.

[Matt McCusker]

It did, but it was still like a purple bruise on my head that wasn't there the first night.

[Shane Gillis]

So, yeah, if I put makeup on the red, they never get my ears or my neck dark red. And my face is white. I look like a Japanese lady.

[Matt McCusker]

Your ears are just crimson.

[Shane Gillis]

Dark red.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man. It was. It was sick. It was a lot of fun. That was so. But I'm. I'm wiped, dude. I'm dead. It was a whole week. We did a whole week out there, and I would just get woken up at like, 7 o' clock by my kids. So I'd be out doing that. Wake up early. I was running on, literally fumes the whole time. I was like. The whole time, I'm like, I'm such a idiot. This is the worst way you can possibly do this. It was like, our Airbnb was filthy. It was a frat house, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no.

[Matt McCusker]

It was disgusting. I got like a cold from it, I think because they had air pure the place, dude. They didn't clean it. Like, they. There was like, cans next to one of the beds. Just like wine coolers and a pack of peanut M M's just laying there. It's like, dude, I get it if you don't, like, hit all the nooks and crannies, but you guys don't even.

[Shane Gillis]

We bought the house my family and I bought in the Poconos filled with trash.

[Matt McCusker]

Was it really? Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I lifted up the couch. They were like beer cans and condoms. And I was like, this is. What the is this?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, they're probably Planet Pocono strippers, too.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. This was. This was for real bachelor party heaven. It was, like, just filthy. It had a cool stereo room with like, just like. Like Spencer's gift card lights. It was like, so dumb. And it was.

[Shane Gillis]

It would be dumb, wouldn't it?

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, the family. For the family. I was vibing in there. But I. Like, if you walked around, your bare feet, your bottom of your feet would be black. Like, it was disgusting. They had air purifier. They didn't do anything, but they did have air purifiers. Everywhere. So I was like, they got mold. They must have mold in this place.

[Sean]

No, brother, it sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

But other than that, it was just.

[Shane Gillis]

Your balls don't hurt. Hurt.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah, true.

[Sean]

At least you don't have epididymitis.

[Shane Gillis]

Have you been grumpy about it?

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

You haven't lashed out at your partner?

[Sean]

No, not at my partner. This morning I was more so just ashamed of myself. I was kind of. Yeah, I did a little lash out this morning, but.

[Matt McCusker]

Why'd you make me have sex with your vagina? Yeah. Yeah. How dare you?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you should blame her for it.

[Matt McCusker]

I, I.

[Sean]

Okay, I'll think you should start.

[Matt McCusker]

You know what's going on?

[Sean]

Your fault.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. What did you fucking do to me?

[Shane Gillis]

Me?

[Matt McCusker]

Would you give me.

[Sean]

I was saying this, that the same urgent care that I got diagnosed with epididymitis at was the one that I got my rectal abscess treated at. So I've gone to this urgent care with just butthole and nut sack problems.

[Matt McCusker]

And they probably think I'm a free.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, dude, definitely. Especially when they see your giant dick.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm a gay freak.

[Shane Gillis]

They got that.

[Matt McCusker]

They're just going to. You got a case of freak.

[Shane Gillis]

Freak. Weird guy with the huge dick again. The huge dick.

[Matt McCusker]

Again. His, like, Rainbow Road from Mario Kart defies the laws of gravity.

[Sean]

I told you guys about that, right when I was screaming in the urgent care when they lanced my abscess? No, they gave me, like, five shots of numbing, which is what I thought about when you said the patch. I wish they would have just done that. That was the most painful. It was on the lumber in my butthole. They jabbed it. Sorry if this is gross, but they jabbed it with a bunch of needles. And I was screaming, like, as loud and uncontrollable.

[Shane Gillis]

As loud as I could.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a 10.

[Sean]

It was a 10.

[Shane Gillis]

That was a 10.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I was going.

[Shane Gillis]

That'S terrible. I'd rather die. Die?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I want to kill me if I have an abscess.

[Matt McCusker]

How many shots?

[Sean]

Really painful it was. I lost count. Probably like, four or five.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, Lemaire's ass.

[Sean]

His popped on.

[Shane Gillis]

Probably my favorite. It's my favorite thing that's ever happened. I had his bubble exploding and stinking up an entire urgent. His ass bubble exploded.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

I would hate you if I was in that room.

[Matt McCusker]

I would.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd still hate you.

[Matt McCusker]

That be a nice episode of House.

[Shane Gillis]

Every day episode of House of House.

[Matt McCusker]

To come in, like, some black guy's ass exploded. That's a black ass explosion, guys. Move it over right, guys.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, man.

[Sean]

Hurts my testy to laugh.

[Shane Gillis]

It hurts your balls to laugh.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no.

[Shane Gillis]

Just squat down, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I got the bus down on right now.

[Shane Gillis]

I would have thought that this lifestyle would lead us to severe health issues.

[Matt McCusker]

I did have kind of a panic attack in my car. I haven't microdosed in a while. And it hit me this morning like a ton of bricks. I was driving over here and, like, my pinky was touching my ring finger. I just didn't like it. I was like, I don't like the way my pinky feels on my ring finger.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I guess that bothers me now that you mentioned killing me. Yeah, that would bother me.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like. My hand started feeling fuzzy. I was like, I'm gonna die. This sucks. I finally overdid it.

[Sean]

The Cali weed was freaking me out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Sean]

After the first night of your taping, I was like, dude, everybody dropped Sean.

[Matt McCusker]

Off at the wrong hotel.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah. I was so high after maybe the Thursday show, I think.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Sean]

And there's. It was like a mall, so there's a bunch of hotels. And we just stopped at a hotel. And I was so high, I was like, all right, see you, Matt. And I got out and I just smoked a cigarette out front of it for like 5, 10 minutes before I realized that I was in the wrong place.

[Matt McCusker]

I was driving away, being like, dude, I can't believe I navigated right back to the right hotel. I didn't even use my phone. I was like, that was pretty good. And he called. I was at a light and he called me, like, dude, I'm at the wrong hotel. I was like.

[Shane Gillis]

Up and trying to get into a hotel is. I've done it 10,000 times. Check in. I'll be like, I left my key in my room. How's you guys night going? The worst one was, was I was in a K hole.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, I can't move. I gotta sit in the lobby. I can't walk.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no.

[Shane Gillis]

And then Kreischer showed up and was like, you can walk. And just. I easily could walk.

[Matt McCusker]

Whoa.

[Shane Gillis]

I could have walked. I could have walked the whole time.

[Matt McCusker]

He might be the best person in the world to be like, you can.

[Shane Gillis]

Walk through a cable.

[Matt McCusker]

Trust me, I've been 40K. Get up, Shane.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Going to the wrong. Get up. You can do it.

[Matt McCusker]

He might be the Blue Knight, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Blue tonight. He could.

[Matt McCusker]

God, Dilly, that's so funny. He was like, you just laid there.

[Shane Gillis]

I was sitting in a chair in the lobby in front of the desk. Everyone was just kind of like, this guy's chilling.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that's not bad.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It's basically a homeless guy just came in and sat, and everyone was like, all right. I guess he's doing something. Sat there for at least an hour.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you try to, like. I guess you went on your phone or like, what did you do?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I literally. On ketamine.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, you were locked for an hour.

[Shane Gillis]

Were you.

[Matt McCusker]

Were you drinking all the ketamine, too?

[Shane Gillis]

Needed help. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man. Yeah, that's a heavy depressant. Depressant.

[Shane Gillis]

It's pretty nice. It went away. It went away quick. Literally, as soon as he. You can walk. I was like, oh, all right.

[Matt McCusker]

Turns out I can.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Sick. Yeah. I've heard of people thinking they were doing, like, co. Like. Like coke, and it turns out it's ketamine and just being like, what the.

[Shane Gillis]

You'd have to do a pretty.

[Matt McCusker]

It was. It was liquid.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

They said they thought it was liquid cocaine.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I had. The nasal spray.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what happened.

[Shane Gillis]

The prescription. Nasal ketamine.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Sean]

How do you get your hands on that? Like, what's it prescribed for?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know. You can get it online, dude. You can get, like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you can get ketamine pretty easy, I think.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Through a doctor.

[Sean]

Interesting.

[Matt McCusker]

Verified. You can get lozenges. You can get like.

[Sean]

Like, I never did it.

[Shane Gillis]

It's.

[Matt McCusker]

I can get it for you if you want.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not that fun. Stick to blow.

[Sean]

All right, if you say so.

[Matt McCusker]

If you say so. Fine.

[Shane Gillis]

I guess I have to.

[Matt McCusker]

Now.

[Shane Gillis]

It's either this or ketamine, so I had to do one. Sure.

[Matt McCusker]

You stick to the company culture. We don't want internal problems. Okay, Sean, just come to our attention. You've stopped doing cocaine. We.

[Shane Gillis]

Sean, you've been sober for a week.

[Matt McCusker]

We need to talk about this.

[Shane Gillis]

We don't like that.

[Sean]

These.

[Shane Gillis]

Got to witness me and the OCON man have a true battle.

[Sean]

Do you want to step in the m. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Let's get the music in here for this because.

[Matt McCusker]

May I pee real quick? Yeah, right back.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll just hold it down.

[Matt McCusker]

Not down the arc. This doesn't even plug in anything. This episode is brought to you by NOS Energy. NOS Energy exists to boost your horsepower. Literally every single day I wake up, I need a boost. I need a boost all day long, guys. If you want the high performance boost that tastes great. NOS Energy comes in a Range of refreshing flavors. Original GT Grape and Sonic Sour. And NOS Zero Sugar is, you guessed it, sugar free. NOS Energy. Get after it. Find out [e-mail] this episode is brought.

[Shane Gillis]

To you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A hole to your B hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that fun? Funny.

[Matt McCusker]

That is funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoever wrote this, give me a call. I need some material. I made the switch myself. And the difference, let me tell you, is real Dude Wipes tackle the mess without any fuss. And the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. No more juggling rolls or settling for less than adequate wipes. Are you tired of juggling rolls, Matt?

[Matt McCusker]

For sure.

[Shane Gillis]

They leave no room for dingleberries.

[Matt McCusker]

All right.

[Shane Gillis]

Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Leave those on the floor.

[Shane Gillis]

The butt crumbs. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Plus, they're extra large for adults. I like that because you are not a baby. So stop using baby wipes. Ditch the itch and switch to wet, extra large flushable Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes. Best clean, Pants down. Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. Hey.

[Lemaire]

Hello.

[Shane Gillis]

How are you?

[Lemaire]

I'm good, dude. I'm feeling all right. Feel pretty good.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Lemaire]

Slept nice.

[Shane Gillis]

I had a nice sleep myself. I slept like 10 hours.

[Lemaire]

Oh, that's beast.

[Shane Gillis]

Great.

[Lemaire]

10 hours is good.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. And I woke up, like, right when I had to wake up. You know what I mean?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Wasn't like you didn't even need an alarm. I did have an alarm. No, I woke up before the alarm, but it was you. Usually I wake up and I'm like, it's so early. A check. It's like 8:00am 7:00am Yeah. 10:00am today.

[Lemaire]

Perfect.

[Matt McCusker]

Perfect.

[Lemaire]

Dude. That's that. Going back to sleep when you wake up early is the worst. Like, it's the most risky sleep in the world.

[Shane Gillis]

It is. Because you feel good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The first time when you wake up, when it's early, you go, I'm actually. I could get up now if I wanted, but I might as well sleep for three more hours. Then you sleep for three hours, you wake up like, oh.

[Lemaire]

Man, you're talking about that at the bar. The hangover. The hangover. Sleep.

[Shane Gillis]

Sleep. That's. That rocks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

When you sleep, when you wake up at 9 or. And you're like, I'm so hungover. And then you sleep until one and you go, I got away with that. I can't believe I got away with that one. The o' Con man must be.

[Matt McCusker]

Today.

[Shane Gillis]

You must literally be dead. I didn't. I didn't know how bad he was.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Me and Neil Conman argued for seven hours. Oh, politics. Straight. Seven hours straight.

[Matt McCusker]

Was it like Iran stuff? Kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

It was everything okay. But it was. It just kept going back to Donald Trump's. A giant piece of. And then we were screaming, arguing. Every time he would say something, I'd be like, we can look that up. And I guarantee you it happened, like, five different times where he said something, and then I would look it up and go, this didn't happen. And he would go, that's not what I meant. And then he would change the argument. Oh, no. It was crazy. Crazy.

[Lemaire]

The one I remember was, he was like, popular vote means winning 50.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, more than 50.

[Lemaire]

Yeah, more than 50.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, no, it doesn't. Yeah, popular votes. Just the total vote. He's like, no, it's not.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know. I didn't know that either.

[Lemaire]

Then you pulled it.

[Shane Gillis]

Trump won the popular vote.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

For the Republican. Won the popular vote for the first time in.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Forever.

[Matt McCusker]

That was like a landslide.

[Shane Gillis]

The last one for a Republican. That was. Yeah, yeah. But it was nice to look up and go, this. See, he was like, dude's best feeling in the world.

[Matt McCusker]

Googling something in the middle of an argument.

[Shane Gillis]

This is. He kind of. The reverse happened to me and him before when I fell down in the airport at jfk. We have a long argument. I ended up falling down. I lost the argument.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

This time it was Chris. Chris. So we're sitting there for so long arguing, and I was like, man, Chris is. At one point, I had to be like, watch how you're talking to me.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

This is crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

He was just screaming.

[Shane Gillis]

He did say, all right, my bad on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

This pool.

[Shane Gillis]

And then Lamar agreed with me on something. He was like, off. Of course. You suck his dick ball. Wash him. Like, Lamar never does that. Lair disagrees with everything I say.

[Matt McCusker]

He literally does.

[Shane Gillis]

He's a sucker. But he was, like, mad at Lair. Then he got mad. Then he stood up and fell over a chair. He kept his. He kept his balance. But as soon as he stood up, I was like, oh, all right. Right.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Lemaire]

And then he came back.

[Shane Gillis]

For way too long. I kept talking to him.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you call you for Nate?

[Shane Gillis]

Well, Nate sold us out.

[Lemaire]

Nate sold us out.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Nate sold us out. And then you left Lamar in a very uncomfortable spot. If Lamar's here. If. If Lamar's around. Me without you guys. It's very weird what happens. He's just as quiet and, like, when he lived with me, he would just walk through the house.

[Lemaire]

I don't want to activate you.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you were around for some tough ones. I'd be hungover. I'd be like, get the. Out of my house.

[Matt McCusker]

You're so quiet around. Oh, great. You again. What the.

[Lemaire]

Dude, I keep thinking about the plane.

[Shane Gillis]

The plane. That was fun.

[Lemaire]

Getting drunk on the plane. Like, whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. On the way there, you're, you know, terrified of flying when you're sober. Way back. You four drinks, you're like, kill me. Kill me right now. I'll beat God's ass for this. Right When I get to the pearly gates, I'm sprinting to his house.

[Matt McCusker]

You.

[Shane Gillis]

You going kill me in a plane?

[Matt McCusker]

You. I was doing stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

We were talking about getting the. The pearly gates and St. Peter being like, oh, sh. G. It looks like you shut the up, dude. God lives in a townhouse. Just running through his screen door while he's watching tv. Just.

[Matt McCusker]

You.

[Shane Gillis]

Why'd you kill me on a plane?

[Matt McCusker]

What if you went there? He's like, shane, you are my strongest angel. He's like, yeah, I figured this was.

[Shane Gillis]

Why I beat the. Out of St. Peter like that. The dude.

[Lemaire]

Yeah. St. Peter's kind of. Excuse my French, Lord. A.

[Shane Gillis]

Talking about the rock of the church, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. What the hell are you talking about?

[Lemaire]

I mean, dude, the rock of the church is Jesus. But, like, you know, that's much my idea.

[Matt McCusker]

No, Jesus is the church. Jesus is the body of the church. Peter's a rock.

[Shane Gillis]

Peter's the rock that it's built upon.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Come on, man.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not as sophisticated as Paul, but.

[Lemaire]

Wait, Peter lied or Peter.

[Shane Gillis]

You're Peter denied him.

[Matt McCusker]

What was you. You're about to get crucified upside down.

[Shane Gillis]

He's like, I don't even know that guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude. Imminent.

[Shane Gillis]

And everyone was just like, oh, all right. Yeah, we saw you hanging out with him every day. No, I hated him, too. I'm Judas.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been reading about the desert fathers. Did you ever get down with those guys?

[Shane Gillis]

No, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

There was these guys in, like, I think the 4th century who once. I think Constantine was a guy who, like, made it the Roman. You know, Roman. The Catholic Church, whatever. The official religion. There are these guys that were just already Catholics or Christians that were like this. They're like, this is not good. They just went to the desert.

[Shane Gillis]

Desert just got mainstream.

[Matt McCusker]

It got too much. It got too mainstream.

[Shane Gillis]

I Like the Old Testament.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

All these new fans suck.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. For real. They're like, sell out. And then they went out. They were also. They knew because I think the guy was like using it for battles. He was like, I saw, you know, he saw the sun split into a silver cross and he had the dream. These guys that were like, I guess like, you know, hermits are like in a monastery were like, this is not what we're doing here. What the hell? We're not. We're not supposed to use our stuff for Roman battles. Like, God damn it. Takes one to the desert and they.

[Shane Gillis]

Just like, like, I should have talked about punching God.

[Matt McCusker]

He. Dude, he knows you're kidding.

[Shane Gillis]

He knows you do it all now. I'm definitely gonna die in a plane crash.

[Matt McCusker]

No, he knows.

[Shane Gillis]

It's gonna be so scary.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be.

[Shane Gillis]

It's gonna be so scary.

[Matt McCusker]

God is in the townhouses.

[Shane Gillis]

Show up, then pull up there.

[Matt McCusker]

You are going to start over from the beginning of evolution now, jerk God sitting in a show like this, smashing the button. You're gonna get a call like, shane, how do you feel about doing a show? Yeah, it was. They just went to the desert and.

[Shane Gillis]

Just asked me to go to the Middle east soon.

[Matt McCusker]

Where? Where? Why?

[Shane Gillis]

Saudi Arabia and UAE or Dubai.

[Matt McCusker]

Dubai.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I'm gonna pass.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. For the tr. Is it for the troops?

[Shane Gillis]

Not for the troops. It's for the Saudis.

[Matt McCusker]

For the Saudi princes.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. And everyone's like, yeah, you should do it. Everyone's doing it. It's like for Saudis.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Weren't those the 911 guys?

[Matt McCusker]

So I thought.

[Shane Gillis]

Aren't they exactly the 911 guys.

[Lemaire]

It was Iran, wasn't it?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's all been Iran this whole time.

[Matt McCusker]

Convenient Iran.

[Sean]

Hello, everybody. That concludes this week's regular episode. If you'd like to hear the rest, please join us on Patreon patreon.com mssecretpod thank you. Have a great week.