Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma

Summary

Detailed Summary of "Ep 570 - The Alabama Slamma" – Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Release Date: August 1, 2025

In Episode 570, titled "The Alabama Slamma," hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis navigate through a whirlwind of comedic discussions ranging from chaotic racial incidents to personal anecdotes about swinger parties and running clubs. The episode is a blend of sharp wit, playful banter, and outrageous humor, encapsulating why Matt and Shane's podcast is touted as one of the funniest out there.

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1. The Alabama Slamma and Racial Confrontations

The episode kicks off with Matt and Shane delving into the infamous "Alabama Slamma," a satirical representation of racial tensions. They humorously recount incidents involving confrontations between "drunk white dudes" and assertive black individuals, highlighting the absurdity of such conflicts.

• Matt McCusker: "Alabama Slam was crazy." [07:53]
• Shane Gillis: "That was a tough day for the whites." [07:51]

Their exaggerated portrayal serves as a comedic reflection on societal issues, blending humor with sharp social commentary.

2. Dr. Umar's Online School Controversy

Transitioning into online controversies, Matt and Shane discuss Dr. Umar, an online educator accused of running a dubious institution called the "Fred Frederick Douglass Marcus Garvey Academy." The hosts speculate about account hacks and potential fraud, poking fun at the situation while expressing skepticism about Dr. Umar's legitimacy.

• Matt McCusker: "I don't know about the guy, but he's been running a school for 10 years." [02:33]
• Shane Gillis: "Pass the bussy. Past the bussy. Federal indictment." [04:10]

Their playful mockery underscores the absurdities often found in online scandals.

3. The Cincinnati Beat Down Recap

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to recounting the "Cincinnati Beat Down," another fictionalized event marked by aggressive encounters and humorous violence. The narrative includes Matt and Shane's observations of security guards being assaulted and the chaotic aftermath of such events.

• Shane Gillis: "The Cincinnati Beat Down is just terrible, but tremendous." [07:51]
• Matt McCusker: "Security guards aren't protected. Like, if you beat the out of a mailman, you get... it's like a forty-thousand-dollar fine." [09:23]

This segment blends dark humor with exaggerated scenarios to entertain listeners.

4. Personal Anecdotes and Party Stories

Matt, Shane, and guest Nate Craig share a series of personal stories from various parties, including swinger gatherings and rickshaw adventures. These tales are rich with humorous mishaps, such as being kicked out of parties at ungodly hours and navigating the complexities of swinger culture.

• Shane Gillis: "I was kicked out at like six in the morning. I was ready to go home." [21:13]
• Matt McCusker: "Dude, just let that guy plow." [01:31]

Their candid and often outrageous storytelling keeps the conversation lively and engaging.

5. Running Clubs and Sports Humor

Shifting gears, the hosts discuss their experiences with running clubs and the competitive nature of sprinting. They joke about outperforming seasoned runners and the humorous dynamics within athletic communities.

• Matt McCusker: "We're a good squad... We're not gonna race, dude. I already won." [48:37]
• Shane Gillis: "Running is for girls." [47:38]

This segment underscores their ability to find humor in everyday activities and social groups.

6. Embarrassing Incidents and Sexual Humor

The conversation takes a more personal turn as Matt and Shane dive into topics like wet dreams and sexual escapades. Their open and comedic approach to these subjects adds a layer of relatability and levity to the episode.

• Matt McCusker: "I had to film myself having sex for a movie last night." [55:23]
• Shane Gillis: "That's disgusting. Talking to brothers about it." [56:40]

Their candidness serves as a humorous exploration of intimate experiences, resonating with listeners through shared human moments.

7. Political Conspiracies and Epstein Discussion

In a blend of satire and conspiracy humor, Matt and Shane touch upon sensitive political topics, including references to Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump. They mockingly discuss the implications of political figures being involved in controversial activities, weaving absurd scenarios for comedic effect.

• Matt McCusker: "You're a beautiful little mission." [65:20]
• Shane Gillis: "They're just like, Trump's on the list. It's like, yeah, we all knew that." [65:29]

Their exaggerated claims and playful banter offer a comedic take on real-world controversies, highlighting their sharp comedic timing.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Matt McCusker: "Alabama Slam was crazy." [07:53]
• Shane Gillis: "The Cincinnati Beat Down is just terrible, but tremendous." [07:51]
• Matt McCusker: "I don't like, I don't touch my dick." [54:04]
• Shane Gillis: "Sprinting is so funny." [47:45]
• Matt McCusker: "You're a beautiful little mission." [65:20]

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Conclusion

Episode 570 of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, "The Alabama Slamma," is a testament to the duo's ability to blend sharp social commentary with unabashed humor. Through their discussions on racial confrontations, online controversies, personal mishaps, and political satire, Matt and Shane deliver an episode that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. Their use of notable quotes and comedic storytelling ensures that even listeners unfamiliar with their podcast can enjoy and engage with the content.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

The wild, wild west.

[Shane Gillis]

You think I should take the sworn in as deputy for the day?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, why wouldn't you? That's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

As soon as I get sworn in, I'm gonna discharge my firearm.

[Matt McCusker]

You have straight into America, end up in jail. That'd be sick. If you serve as sentence.

[Shane Gillis]

They'd have to. The cops would have to defend me.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. They mean you'd be picked up by their legal.

[Shane Gillis]

They would go, dude, don't worry, we got you. It should happen. Should. Happens all the time.

[Matt McCusker]

I just hope you don't get stabbed in jail. Yeah, I'd have to commit a heinous crime. I'd have to go on the inside with you. I can't. Yeah. I can't let you in there.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you wouldn't.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't.

[Shane Gillis]

You wouldn't let me in there alone.

[Matt McCusker]

I would. I'd have to. I'd go. I'd have to like punch a lady or something.

[Shane Gillis]

If you have to do it fast track.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't want to wait out a trial, you know? Exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

This is for my bro.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And just finally, dude, someone's yapping at you. Go, would you. It's interesting you say that. It's funny you bring that up.

[Matt McCusker]

Just tell my wife, like, we're actually going to a Notre Dame game.

[Shane Gillis]

Just. Just soccer.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, I love you, babe. I'm sorry.

[Shane Gillis]

You'll understand one day.

[Matt McCusker]

You'll understand.

[Shane Gillis]

What if you get into prison? I'm already running it, and I just immediately trick you out. Dude, I'm just instantly just like, I'd.

[Matt McCusker]

Be one of your boys.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I'd say you'd be my bottom boy. I'd say, go. You thought you're doing me a favor. You came in, you got me at a bad time.

[Matt McCusker]

I get turned out, I'd turn you out.

[Shane Gillis]

I go, true.

[Matt McCusker]

My trial will take. My wife would be like, it's fine. Actually, I forgive him, but shut the up. I gotta go to jail. You gotta join the Aaron Brotherhood machine.

[Shane Gillis]

Brotherhood.

[Matt McCusker]

I love you, babe. One day you'll understand. Then I get in there. Yeah. And I just get turned out. You turn me out, day one.

[Shane Gillis]

Turn you out?

[Matt McCusker]

Matt, just let that guy plow.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd have that picture, you and that dolphin hung up on my wall. Everyone would be using my room to jack off to that photo.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I was. I was. Have you. Have you, like, caught the thing with Dr. Umar and. And like, his fact is account got frozen?

[Shane Gillis]

No, it's all.

[Matt McCusker]

It's all in, like, online, everywhere. But the thing that made me Laugh. First of all, he's been doing a school for like 10 years, which is like, you know, whatever. Everyone says it's a scam.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know about the guy, but he's been doing a school for 10 years and, you know, taking. Funding all this stuff. But recently, because, you know, school year is coming upon us, he did a. A, A video from his car where he's like, my accounts have been hacked. They're frozen right now. There's been fraud in my activity. I don't know what's going on. It's. Anybody repeats him, he says everything three times. He goes, my counts. My accounts have been hacked. Y'. All, my accounts have been hacked. Guys. My accounts have been hacked. And he goes to his next point.

[Shane Gillis]

Why do you get hacked?

[Matt McCusker]

They're saying there's fraud on the account, which is kind of sketchy because if you have fraud in your account, they don't freeze your funds. Yeah, I don't think they would.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But the. The reason I'm bringing this up, he has. There's two people, two online people, I think, who have been like, trolling him and kind of like kicking this investigation off. One of the guys names is past the. He says like three times he goes, and I want to let you know, it's like whatever the other guy's name is. And pass the federal charges can be brought against you. Federal charges can be brought against Pass the bussy.

[Shane Gillis]

The people.

[Matt McCusker]

He's from Philly, I think, too. From Philly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that checks out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that checks out.

[Shane Gillis]

But, yeah, man, he seems like the man, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I always like him when I. Seems like truly hilarious when I see him on stuff. I always watch.

[Shane Gillis]

But he's goofing. How much do you think he's goofing? I think he's goofing a little.

[Matt McCusker]

You see the memes about him catching people with snow bunnies? They're so good.

[Shane Gillis]

It's great.

[Matt McCusker]

They're so good. But, yeah, there's. It's starting to take a pretty negative turn because he does have the Fred Frederick Douglass Marcus Garvey Academy and people waiting apparently, for 14 years for this thing to open in Wilmington, Delaware, and it's.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not opening.

[Matt McCusker]

No, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

14 years and, you know, so. But now someone hacked his accounts. Now the school's not gonna open for another year. It's pissing me off. Pass the. Knock it off.

[Shane Gillis]

We're Trying to get this school.

[Matt McCusker]

We need to go to fd. Fdm.

[Shane Gillis]

You should. We should move back and enroll.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm gonna go. I know.

[Shane Gillis]

I wonder if there's an age limit.

[Matt McCusker]

We get Billy Madison, Frederick Douglas, Marcus Garvey Academy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You'd have to become a. You have to face your mumble rap fears.

[Shane Gillis]

It'd be all mumble rappers.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not. It'd be non stop mumble rappers. It'd be the mom, it'd be the Marcus Garvey Mumble Rap.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd be Ian in there.

[Matt McCusker]

Academy. I mean, I hope he opens it up, man. Everyone's hating on him. Everyone's like, you know, calling him a grifter and saying, you know, he's just stealing money. But I'd like to see him open the school and shut down.

[Shane Gillis]

He deserves a little bread. He's giving us good entertainment.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Apparently his booking fee, from what I heard, is I try to book him on the podcast and he was asking for racks on racks.

[Shane Gillis]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, that's at least what the booker was like. Yeah, you gotta. You gotta pay him. Racks on racks. I'm like, can I just donate to the school? But now the account's frozen, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Pass the bussy. Past.

[Matt McCusker]

Past the bussy. Federal indictment. If you get caught messing with the FDMG stop. Knock it off. Pass the bussy. Getting. Getting attacked by a guy. Pass the busy is so funny. The thing that was freaking me out, though, like, if you have fraud in your account, they don't, like, like, hey, no more money for you. You know what I mean? Like, if someone, like, with your credit cards or your debit card, so could.

[Shane Gillis]

Be that, like, he might. I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

It does freeze your account. That always sucks. Yeah, like, there's something fraudulent going on. We shut down your debit card.

[Matt McCusker]

You're like, does it free? See, I've only ever had it on my credit card.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, either one.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, okay.

[Shane Gillis]

What the dang. That's one card.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Drew, he was saying both. He has account for the school and a personal account. Both are shut down right now. So, you know, thoughts and T's and peas.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, T's and peas go out to these, dude. The good doctor.

[Matt McCusker]

T's and peas of the Prince of Pan Africanism.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

His words. That's what he calls himself.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what he calls himself.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

He is following Gaddafi's steps.

[Matt McCusker]

He what?

[Shane Gillis]

He's fallen in Gaddafi's steps. He is Pan Africanism.

[Matt McCusker]

He is. He is genuinely Very. Everything I watch him on, I'm like, I love it. I love watching him just berate people for snow bunnies.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. And also, yeah, sometimes it's very fun when people are racist against white people.

[Matt McCusker]

It's.

[Shane Gillis]

It's fun to watch.

[Matt McCusker]

You go, look at that.

[Shane Gillis]

That's fun.

[Matt McCusker]

Any I'm a sucke for?

[Shane Gillis]

Unless it's the Cincinnati Beatdown.

[Matt McCusker]

What's the Cincinnati Beat? Oh, you're on X. Get off of X.

[Shane Gillis]

The Cincinnati Beat Down. It's so funny.

[Matt McCusker]

When will it stop?

[Shane Gillis]

The sense. Don't give it a name. I know the Cincinnati Beat down sounds like it was wwf. The Cincinnati Beat Down.

[Matt McCusker]

Was that the couple that left the jazz club and the lady.

[Shane Gillis]

It's just that they got up.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang.

[Shane Gillis]

It was really, really bad.

[Matt McCusker]

It looked bad out. I only ever saw the one still image of a lady.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no, it was rough.

[Matt McCusker]

Very bad. She looks dead.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, she got cracked.

[Matt McCusker]

Jesus Christ.

[Shane Gillis]

The Cincinnati Beat Down.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. My, my. I made the mistake of going on X during the CB and I'm like, yeah. And it's. Man, they're radicalized. They're trying to radicalize me, man. Yeah, they really are.

[Shane Gillis]

But they get. They get everyone on that. I saw some other videos. What's just the reverse, you know, just like, we're done being pushed around. This is what happens.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

You're going to get a Cincinnati Beat Down.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, that should be a national holiday. When did the boat fight happen? The boat fight?

[Shane Gillis]

The Alabama boat fight.

[Matt McCusker]

How did the boat fight not get a cool nickname?

[Shane Gillis]

The Alabama Slammer. The Boat. Yeah. That was. That was a big win. That was their Boston Tea Party. They're just. They were throwing whites overboard.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that was the Arizona Tea Party. That was the Arizona Iced Tea Party.

[Lemaire Lee]

The Alabama Slam has happened. The anniversaries on Optimum Noctis.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, nice. You got to celebrate by throwing guard dog over off the stage. Make me walk the plank. You gotta walk the plank. All the pirates got the booty. I gotta be honest.

[Matt McCusker]

That one.

[Shane Gillis]

That was a tough day for the whites.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that was a tremendous.

[Shane Gillis]

The Cincinnati. The Cincinnati Beat down is just. That's terrible, but tremendous. The Alabama Slammer.

[Matt McCusker]

Alabama Slam was crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

That was a tough one. Just drunk white dudes, anyway swam across. You remember that black dude came out of the water?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It was. It was crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

We thought we controlled the seas, apparently.

[Shane Gillis]

We thought we controlled the sea. Yeah. That's our. That's safe. The dock's the best place to fight a black guy. You go, oh, can't get me here.

[Matt McCusker]

So. It's the pit. Finish him. All you got to do is go. No longer. No longer.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, now you need my help? Fine, I'll save you.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. What? What? Kicked off the Alabama Slammer, I think.

[Shane Gillis]

Drunk people on a boat.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It was a powder keg down there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Blasting drunk white people on a boat. Black people, I'm sure, minding their own business.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

They were minding their own business. Oh, they slapped a black security guard.

[Nate Craig]

Slapped a black security guard, I think was telling them they couldn't do what they were doing. Like, which was. He probably was that excited to do that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I will say, as a white person is offensive when someone tells me I can't do whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

So that security guards were like spans.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll tell you, he really hates it.

[Nate Craig]

Cincinnati one was devastating, though. That was.

[Shane Gillis]

That was a bad look.

[Nate Craig]

That's a bad look.

[Matt McCusker]

You know what's up? There's no big fine.

[Nate Craig]

It's not good.

[Matt McCusker]

Security guards aren't protected. Like, if you beat the. Out of a mailman, you get. It's like a forty thousand dollar fine.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You can just smack a security guard. I mean, it's assault.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That's the worst case scenario. Could happen.

[Matt McCusker]

True. You trigger the Alabama. You're like the Franz Ferdinand of Alabama Slammer.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean. Yeah, that was it.

[Matt McCusker]

God, that would suck.

[Shane Gillis]

And they united forces. I don't even think they knew each other. The swimming guy, I don't think had anything to do with the security guy. He just. He saw an injury.

[Matt McCusker]

He was like a Russian submarine.

[Shane Gillis]

He came out off the coast, just waiting.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

There's a lot of misinformation on the Internet. Oh, yeah, you guys know that. Sean, you know that.

[Lemaire Lee]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

And from that talking point, my next thing is things that I've really struggled to find.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that makes sense. There's a lot of misinformation on the Internet.

[Matt McCusker]

How much searching did I have to do before I found something that actually worked for me, if at all? Guys, I'll be honest. Still searching for that.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm still searching myself.

[Matt McCusker]

Still searching for that something, man. You know what I mean? I'm really, really struggling.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm struggling.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man. Instead of looking for a solution from questionable sources, sometimes it's better to just talk with a professional. Like, if you're struggling with your mental health, a credentialed therapist can help you find a solution that works for you.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that'd be nice.

[Matt McCusker]

If you feel comfortable, talk about how you've benefited from therapy.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not comfortable doing that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I don't want to. I don't. I'm. My anxiety spiking right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I don't know why you would ask us that. That's not good for my mental health.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I might have to take a break if that's okay.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, we're going to have to take a break.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

It's going to be a hoot.

[Matt McCusker]

It's going to be a blast, man. Fresh off the race right to the show. It's going to be pretty nasty.

[Shane Gillis]

So While you're there, August 16th, Matt, I'll be in Grand Rapids, Michigan at the Van Andel Arena.

[Matt McCusker]

One of my bros, I think is going to see you.

[Shane Gillis]

He's talking about sick also. August 8th, I'll be in Louisville. August 9th, St. Louis. August 15th, Detroit. 16th, Grand Rapids. Come on. And then August 23rd, Milwaukee's gone wild.

[Matt McCusker]

Taking Midwest by storm.

[Shane Gillis]

Might bring. I might bring Lemaire, see if he.

[Matt McCusker]

Can open up the group for him. Dude. Yeah, you're right. You got some, you got some deets on the Alabama slam.

[Gardini]

It says. Okay, so it says some guys are holding up the boat. They're holding up the, the riverboat. It was a bunch of guys on the pontoon holding up the riverboat. And the riverboat sent some guys down to. There was obscene gestures sent towards the boat. And then.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, who was on the riverboat?

[Gardini]

I think that was the guy.

[Shane Gillis]

I think that was the slammer.

[Gardini]

I think that was the guy who got hit with the chair.

[Shane Gillis]

Was the boatman oh, yeah.

[Gardini]

Because. Wait, wasn't the crew. Didn't the crew.

[Lemaire Lee]

Have you guys seen the Alabama Salama.

[Matt McCusker]

Video in a while? No.

[Lemaire Lee]

They push the security guard, and then the security guard hits the Bobby Schmidt.

[Matt McCusker]

Throws his head up in this guy, and then squares like he's at graduation. I saw. I saw a Middle Eastern security guard get absolutely. Just crushed by a black guy recently. It was Tuesday. No, Monday, actually. I was just, like, walking around on 6th street on Monday, and a guy is, like, older black dude, had a. Like, just a tiny puppy on a leash. And I came around the corner to him screaming at the security guard, because the security guard, I think, attempted to pet his puppy. And he goes, how about I touch your daughters? You think you touch my dog? How about I touch your daughters, touch your wife, touch all of your cousins?

[Shane Gillis]

He was gonna try to touch that puppy.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. He was, like, looking around for support, like. You guys hear what I'm saying? I. I kind of, like, sat around just waiting, like, damn, this is up. Just kind of listening.

[Shane Gillis]

You made neutral.

[Matt McCusker]

I was. I was Switzerland. I. I was kind of like. I didn't know if they're gonna fight. This guy was pretty jacked, too.

[Shane Gillis]

And I was like, dude, puppy was jacked.

[Matt McCusker]

I might have to take that puppy out of the battle in case the.

[Shane Gillis]

Puppy gets hurt and just run away.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he was there.

[Shane Gillis]

And then he beat the. Wait, He. He was nasty things, barking at him.

[Matt McCusker]

Calling him a child molester after he said he would touch his kids, which I thought was kind of interesting. But the guy. Because the guy did have funny glasses on. So he's like, look like a pedophile. What are you gonna do about it? He's trying to goat him into a fight. And the guy was just going like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

He should have seen security on 6th Street. You must get hit with that.

[Matt McCusker]

He was like, hotel. Hotel security just all day, baking in the sun.

[Shane Gillis]

Some guy was like, this will be a nice moment.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I will molest your children. Called a pedophile after the guy told me he'd molest my children. And then he's like, yeah, you're a pedophile. It's like, okay, yeah, He. He just played it off. He kept being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, buddy. And the guy was like, yeah, do something about it. And I was like, dude, this is a tough hell.

[Shane Gillis]

Sixth Street's so gross.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it was. It was, like, hot.

[Shane Gillis]

So gross. It was so hot out, man. And when the air conditioning breaks in the comedy club. Yeah, it's A recipe for negative experience.

[Matt McCusker]

He probably left. He's probably the early show. Took his shirt off, went outside and was like, fuck this, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I. I'll tell you this, man. You saw the movie Allied recently. Has anybody ever seen this as Brad Pitt and the hot French lady? No, it was wonderful.

[Matt McCusker]

What do they do?

[Shane Gillis]

It was so good. I'll just give you the beginning though. This is so. It's the hot French lady from Inception. You remember her at all?

[Matt McCusker]

Kind of, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Anyway, if you saw, you'd like it. But they, they're both spies and they're in Casablanca in World War II and they have to pretend to be husband and wife. So probably it's dream scenario.

[Matt McCusker]

It sounds like Mr. Mrs. Smith. You ever see that? Yeah, but it's like a cooler version of Mr. Smith.

[Shane Gillis]

Kind of cool. I liked it a lot.

[Matt McCusker]

That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

I was surprised.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, you should think about doing a. I know you're all filmed out, but maybe do like a Chocolat. You should do like an intense romance film.

[Shane Gillis]

I was thinking about that.

[Matt McCusker]

Were you really?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh yeah, that would be nice. I just need to make love on camera.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Shane Gillis]

So sick. A bathtub sex scene, centrally laying a woman down.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be so tight. Spend so much money. You should spend so much money.

[Shane Gillis]

I can use all my money and.

[Matt McCusker]

Make like a poly chocolate. Like you're just like a cool guy in tech who's poly and you just have sex with women the entire movie.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

And in the end I should just.

[Shane Gillis]

Spend a ton of money, make a 50 shades of gray where I prematurely ejaculate. Just the whole. Hit her with one whip and go.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

Don'T tell anyone.

[Matt McCusker]

That be so funny the whole time you just get richer and richer and you just keep getting more and more.

[Shane Gillis]

Just keep rejacking faster you start, guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that would be a cool. That actually would be a cool movie about like suburban swingers who get so deep in the scene that the husband starts doing gay stuff. Because that's kind of. I think that's what happens when you swing. Everyone's like, that'd be the. But I'm pretty sure you end up doing gay.

[Shane Gillis]

There's one more thing.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly. I think you're just in the mix of it. You're having sex with like a 52 year old lady from Florida. You're like, this couldn't get any better. And then like a six year old guy kisses your butthole. Yeah, swinging is like.

[Shane Gillis]

Swinging is disgusting.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Go to swinger Parties.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but he's single.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait.

[Gardini]

Huh?

[Matt McCusker]

He's just bullying. Lemaire's just bowling out. He's singing.

[Shane Gillis]

Look at the hat.

[Matt McCusker]

He's setting the signals out, dude. Yeah. Rolling stag to a swingers party is pretty wild. Yeah.

[Gardini]

I've never gone keep getting ripped off.

[Matt McCusker]

You've wet. You've. You've.

[Gardini]

I got ripped. Yeah. I got ripped off.

[Shane Gillis]

You made the attempt.

[Matt McCusker]

You've went.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you know, it's Milwaukee gone wild.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Lemaire Lee]

We were at that party years ago where you got in trouble for trying to.

[Gardini]

Oh, yeah, I wasn't trying to do anything, but, like. Yeah, I forgot there was a party. And it was. How much can I say? It was funny.

[Matt McCusker]

I remember this. It was like a cool coke party. And you try to start, like, bringing in, like, the typical swinger move, being like, what are we, like, swingers here?

[Gardini]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Matt McCusker]

Wait.

[Shane Gillis]

You're at a cool coke party.

[Gardini]

Yeah. And in the backyard, it was like a. It was this guy and his wife. I think I was talking to the guy.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, dude, you're in.

[Gardini]

Yeah, it was their house, too.

[Shane Gillis]

You're talking to the guy?

[Gardini]

Yeah, because, dude, you're fucking cool, dude. You're like a bull.

[Shane Gillis]

Ew.

[Gardini]

Because he was talking to other ladies, like, and his wife was around. I was like, that's fucking cool.

[Matt McCusker]

What'd he say?

[Shane Gillis]

My wife let me get out of my house.

[Gardini]

No, they just. They didn't kick me out. Brad kicked me out.

[Shane Gillis]

I was in Philly.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Cool coke party in Philly.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Gardini]

I was trying to be a hoop.

[Matt McCusker]

Called the guy a bull in his own house.

[Shane Gillis]

Was at someone's house. Is it the house? It was out back. It was out back, close to the club.

[Gardini]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

He was in a guy's house and the guy was there with his wife. And you complimented him on being like, you probably cheat on your wife, dude, you're so cool.

[Gardini]

You're so cool.

[Shane Gillis]

That's awesome. You're probably a bull. That's 5:30 in the morning.

[Matt McCusker]

5:30 in the morning.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm sorry.

[Lemaire Lee]

I can cut that out if you want.

[Matt McCusker]

All you hear are the birds being like, how much other girls. That's so cool, dude. Can I see your dick?

[Shane Gillis]

Damn. That's like. That's such a nightmare. Being on the other end of that. Just high as on coke. And someone be like, you probably cheat on your wife, dude. That's awesome. Oh, who is this guy? What. What am I doing? Who. Who else was with you? Oh, it was you, too.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Was Nathan there?

[Gardini]

No. King Cobb.

[Shane Gillis]

King Cobb.

[Gardini]

King Cobb was there.

[Shane Gillis]

Damn. Yeah, it's a good squad.

[Lemaire Lee]

Yeah, all the. All the buddies were there.

[Matt McCusker]

Nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Damn. This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A hole to your B hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that funny?

[Matt McCusker]

That is funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoever wrote this, give me a call. I need some material. I made the switch myself. And the difference, let me tell you, is real Dude Wipes tackle the mess without any fuss. And the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. No more. Juggling rolls are settling for less than adequate wipes. Aren't you tired of juggling rolls, Matt?

[Matt McCusker]

For sure.

[Shane Gillis]

They leave no room for dingleberries.

[Matt McCusker]

All right.

[Shane Gillis]

Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, leave those on the floor.

[Shane Gillis]

The butt crumbs? Yeah. Plus, they're extra large for adults. I like that because you are not a baby. So stop using baby wipes, ditch the itch and switch to wet, extra large flushable Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes Best clean, Pants down. Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide.

[Gardini]

I also got kicked out at, like, six in the morning. I was ready to go home.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Gardini]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Gardeni. You guys, you're just crushing Gardini.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Little suffocation play.

[Shane Gillis]

How can. Just laying on Gardini was his ass.

[Matt McCusker]

Worshiping. Worshiping.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait, how did you get kicked out, though? Like, was it aggressive or was it, like.

[Gardini]

No, it was quite. Brad came up to me and he was like, hey, man, I think you gotta go. It's time for us to leave. I was like, all right, cool. That was it. I'm ordering an Uber right now. And then just waited.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang. 6am 6am you're probably ready to roll.

[Gardini]

I was ready to roll.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's breakfast sandwich time.

[Gardini]

Perfect way to get kicked out. Perfect time to get kicked out of a party. Six in the morning.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Gardini]

Might as well just let me leave on my own.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Gardini]

You know, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Cool.

[Shane Gillis]

Coke party. Those. Those can go.

[Gardini]

Yeah, you're right.

[Matt McCusker]

I would like to see you swing. I'd like to see you swing. I think. I think out of all of us, you could handle the swing.

[Shane Gillis]

Mentally, I think you could handle it the best.

[Matt McCusker]

No, really?

[Gardini]

No, I don't think so. Bother me.

[Matt McCusker]

What would get you down?

[Gardini]

You love him more? To me.

[Matt McCusker]

It'S not your wife.

[Shane Gillis]

Shit, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Still, you would catch feelings, you're saying?

[Gardini]

Dude, come on, Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You catch feelings?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

At the cool coke party. Swinger party.

[Gardini]

The cool coke swinger party. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Apparently Tampa Bay is where it's at. Tampa Bay is apparently cut capital of the United States.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, Tampa and Arizona, right?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

Scottsdale, I think I could see that. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Gardini]

I think New Jersey too.

[Matt McCusker]

New Jersey.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know about that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yo, Sean's from New Jersey.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, true.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know. You think Italians would like that?

[Gardini]

Yeah, dude, of course.

[Shane Gillis]

What?

[Lemaire Lee]

Italians are very territorial in nature. They would not like that.

[Matt McCusker]

They probably just like get together and like beat other guys wives and said little wife swap.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What the fuck is meta cut? Tastes like fucking cement. Yeah. I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

You. You don't think your parents were swingers in New Jersey?

[Lemaire Lee]

My parents were definitely not swingers in New Jersey. That's great.

[Matt McCusker]

Empty nesters now.

[Shane Gillis]

Not really. They got a lot of people coming through that.

[Matt McCusker]

Sean, my parents aren't empty nesters yet, but yours are. And I'm just saying you should, you know, you should be like, guys, if you want to experiment, now's the time. That would be.

[Shane Gillis]

You should just give them a. Yeah, like maybe a handwritten letter.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, just be like, guys, it's a moment ago.

[Shane Gillis]

Guys, I love you. No one's home now. Maybe you guys should start experimenting and doing things you've never, you know, you always wanted to.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Open the relationship up a little bit, that's all.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you should suggest they open the.

[Matt McCusker]

Relationship and then you can do Covenant Eyes with your dad.

[Shane Gillis]

And then you and your dad can share porn.

[Matt McCusker]

I'd rather not think about this.

[Shane Gillis]

He's gonna edit this out. We'll never know.

[Matt McCusker]

We'll never know.

[Shane Gillis]

Your parents would think this is funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Can we be respectful about it?

[Shane Gillis]

They love this stuff.

[Matt McCusker]

Hello.

[Shane Gillis]

No, obviously we'll unfortunately edit this out. I like your parents. I don't want them upset.

[Matt McCusker]

No, look, I'm just saying they have to give them the option. They don't have to do it. Just give them the option.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I make them angry and I really don't want to make them horny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't want them to get any ideas. But you have talked about it. That's also. That's like you've brought this up where you're like, wouldn't it be cool if like, my parents experimented? I was like, what? You were hammered? I don't think you remember.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You were so drunk. You're like, I'm gonna call my sister and see what she thinks. I was like, sean, yeah.

[Lemaire Lee]

We said No, y' all nasty as hell.

[Matt McCusker]

Just Josh and just Josh.

[Shane Gillis]

Just Josh and just Josh.

[Lemaire Lee]

All right, what else do you guys want?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, what else is going on besides.

[Matt McCusker]

Our parents being poly?

[Gardini]

We have proof of Nate zest.

[Shane Gillis]

What?

[Lemaire Lee]

That's a mean thing to bring up on.

[Shane Gillis]

What's the proof?

[Lemaire Lee]

It's all been fun and games up to here, but that was a little too far.

[Shane Gillis]

What's the. What's the proof of the zest?

[Lemaire Lee]

Yeah, the photo evidence that we.

[Shane Gillis]

From the pub the other day when you. When you took your penis out in Los Angeles and laid on the ground with your penis out.

[Matt McCusker]

What? No, no, no.

[Shane Gillis]

From.

[Lemaire Lee]

From the. The rickshaws.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know if that's Rickshaw Jesus.

[Matt McCusker]

What was the rickshaw evidence?

[Shane Gillis]

He's just sitting on guys laps on a rickshaw, screaming with his arms. No, with his arms in the air.

[Nate Craig]

I'm not sitting on guys laps.

[Shane Gillis]

But it's 100% on God's laps, Matt.

[Nate Craig]

It looks like I'm sitting on God, dude.

[Lemaire Lee]

Nate, unfortunately, that you had no recollection of the evening. And then we have photo video evidence from a trusted source that we were.

[Shane Gillis]

All having fun without a doubt. On the lap.

[Nate Craig]

Not on the lap.

[Matt McCusker]

That was the biggest regret of the night. You woke up in the morning like, God, I could have sat on that guy.

[Shane Gillis]

He sat on two guys. Laughs he split the cheeks on. Who were these guys? Got a cheek.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no, it was a Redbin.

[Lemaire Lee]

It was Red Redmond and our buddy Chris. And it was perfect timing.

[Shane Gillis]

We can get the footage.

[Matt McCusker]

We could.

[Shane Gillis]

We can let the viewers decide. The thing that hurt. The thing that hurt was the arms on the bar.

[Nate Craig]

The footage looks. But that's because I'm sitting, screaming. I'm sitting forward, screaming, going edge.

[Lemaire Lee]

Sitting forward.

[Nate Craig]

Everybody banished me. Everybody banished me. These guys hopped in one with Tommy. You and Tony had your own private one.

[Shane Gillis]

Hey.

[Matt McCusker]

That was a good reverse.

[Shane Gillis]

Good counter.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man.

[Nate Craig]

You sent me with red band and another unit and I just had to squeeze in between them. But the footage looks bad.

[Shane Gillis]

They love taking those rickshaws. I despise it. It's fun while you're on it, but then, dude, people see you. Yeah, you're getting carted through town. It's fucking embarrassing.

[Nate Craig]

It was devastating.

[Lemaire Lee]

The red bin.

[Shane Gillis]

Damn, you got me with the. That was nice. I'll give you that. Gay ass. All right, yeah, Enough joking around about that.

[Matt McCusker]

It's over.

[Shane Gillis]

Bits done. That's so. That's up, dude. That's crazy. You throw me under the bus like that. That's crazy. Give me those shirts back, you snake. Dude, just. Just when you think.

[Nate Craig]

Dude, I know, I know.

[Shane Gillis]

Hits me with the reverse zest. I'm getting the video right now.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I got to see the video.

[Shane Gillis]

I got to see the video. I don't know if I have his number.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to do.

[Shane Gillis]

Have his number. Red, man.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to do a. They should do them where you can stand up like a charioteer. That'd be nice. We could stand. That would be the straightest rickshaw you can do. Stand up like a charity. Here you get to. You have, like, reins. You can kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Rain him back a little.

[Matt McCusker]

Smack the guy in the ass.

[Shane Gillis]

We're gonna get some footage in there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Now we got to review the tape. Who filmed it, by the way?

[Shane Gillis]

Red, babe.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, hit you with the meta glasses.

[Shane Gillis]

There's.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You should claim AI. You should claim AI.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, dude, that's gotta be deep fake.

[Shane Gillis]

He was literally filming because there was, like, four rickshaws.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He was filming me, and I was like, dude, stop film. Like, don't film this. Yeah, you gotta turn the camera around. Nate was just. It looked pov. It was.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not pertinent. That's not pertinent information. You got to redact your tape.

[Nate Craig]

The worst part is, I know Red Bear didn't remember how bad it looked. Like, he pulled the. He pulled the footage up like, no, he was lying.

[Shane Gillis]

No, he wasn't lying. You're clearly on their lap.

[Nate Craig]

I'm not trying to.

[Shane Gillis]

And he tried to deny it. And he was like, I wasn't sitting on lap. And Red just happens to walk over and be like, I have footage of it.

[Nate Craig]

He did say that. But then he pulls up. He pulls up the footage, and he's trying to scroll through, but when he hits the. The angle. That looks bad. Like, I see him go like, holy.

[Matt McCusker]

I got him.

[Shane Gillis]

This looks. This looks. You'll see. There's no other angle. There's no other possible place for your ass to have been. I'm telling you.

[Lemaire Lee]

Obvious that Red was like. Like, the repping was like, oh, I feel bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe I shouldn't have showed all the guys that video.

[Nate Craig]

He literally.

[Lemaire Lee]

He came up to me. He's like, I tell D. I'm sorry.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't mean to throw him under.

[Lemaire Lee]

The bus like that.

[Nate Craig]

He came over to me. It was like. Cuz. Cuz he knows I wasn't sitting on his lap, but it's devastating footage.

[Shane Gillis]

Why do you keep saying that? We saw the video.

[Matt McCusker]

Are you Elevated at all?

[Nate Craig]

No, we're kind of. We're on an even playing field. I'm sitting forward, though, so I don't know. That's also not. If I'm being. It's a bad defense.

[Shane Gillis]

Here's what I'll say.

[Nate Craig]

I'm sitting forward. I should be a little higher, I think Their shoulders.

[Shane Gillis]

There's two guys sitting. Their shoulders are touching. There's nowhere else for him to sit.

[Lemaire Lee]

His shoulders are behind you, so he had to have room to.

[Nate Craig]

He had to hit this.

[Shane Gillis]

Damn. He was selfie sticking while I was.

[Nate Craig]

Giving him a lap dance on. On a petty cat.

[Shane Gillis]

And that was a bumpy ride. Damn. Now wonder you were all tuckered out when we got to the bar. I wasn't tuckered up. I was tuckered out.

[Matt McCusker]

You fell asle.

[Nate Craig]

Did I fall asleep at the bar?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you did fall.

[Nate Craig]

I do remember.

[Shane Gillis]

You were asleep at the bar. Wait.

[Nate Craig]

Of me sleeping at the bar? You guys drugged me. You guys.

[Shane Gillis]

You gave me the two.

[Matt McCusker]

They put you to bed.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, he was. A minute before he was asleep, he was standing on a stool, screaming. And I look over, and he's like, all right, Nate's un's gotta go.

[Gardini]

He almost danced out the bar. He was doing his dance. They hit the door into the alley.

[Shane Gillis]

That was a good night. That was a good night.

[Matt McCusker]

So funny. Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah. For real, though. They. They put you to sleep. They tuckered you out. That's fine.

[Matt McCusker]

That's devastating.

[Nate Craig]

It looks so bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, wait. We'll wait for the footage.

[Lemaire Lee]

I'm working on the footage right now.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you.

[Shane Gillis]

Meantime, you'll see the footage.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's.

[Shane Gillis]

In the meantime, go watch the movie. Allied.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not gonna give you any spoilers.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a great film.

[Shane Gillis]

You're gonna love it. Don't look into it. Don't read the description. Just watch the movie.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's what I did.

[Shane Gillis]

And I was. I was.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the best.

[Shane Gillis]

I did one of yours.

[Matt McCusker]

You got pleasantly surprised. Is there twists and turns?

[Shane Gillis]

Plenty. Yes, plenty. I need some turns.

[Matt McCusker]

Need some good twists.

[Shane Gillis]

Also, the hottest possible scenario. Just like you're paired with a lady, you have to pretend to be husband and wife. You live together. The neighbors are watching. We have to kiss right now. Maybe we should have sex.

[Matt McCusker]

What? He had him BP hit her with the baby.

[Shane Gillis]

He was the one saying, play it cool, babe.

[Matt McCusker]

She was like, we gotta do this.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, dude. Got the footage.

[Matt McCusker]

Let's. Can I review the footage?

[Lemaire Lee]

We have the video.

[Matt McCusker]

What the.

[Shane Gillis]

How many footage? It's damning footage.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh. It's gonna be like.

[Shane Gillis]

This is bad. This is. I can't believe you're denying it.

[Matt McCusker]

6K. It's gonna be 6K footage. 6K.

[Lemaire Lee]

Red bin tape. The red bin tapes.

[Matt McCusker]

The red band tapes.

[Shane Gillis]

Look.

[Nate Craig]

The footage is undeniably bad. I can't.

[Matt McCusker]

That's fair. Dang.

[Nate Craig]

I know. But I know I was up to no zesty activities.

[Matt McCusker]

You might have to 2.0 right now. Liver King got caught with steroids. You went after Nate 2.0.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Nate Craig]

Rebrand.

[Matt McCusker]

You might have to totally rebrand, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Especially fresh off the zesty allegations in la.

[Nate Craig]

That's why he said it. Because he knows.

[Shane Gillis]

And then just straight lap. Sitting on a rickshaw, bouncing around, arms on the bar, screaming.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

And then dancing around. Dancing on table. Dancing.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang.

[Nate Craig]

Did I stand on it?

[Lemaire Lee]

I stood on the stool.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

Which was a real risk.

[Nate Craig]

I was crushed.

[Shane Gillis]

You did that twice and you jumped down. That was scary.

[Nate Craig]

It was impressive.

[Shane Gillis]

Jumped off the. I was like. Oh, man.

[Nate Craig]

I was here.

[Shane Gillis]

Watch out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. They can kick out from under you.

[Lemaire Lee]

Three Free Bird three times.

[Matt McCusker]

You guys took over the touchdown. So sick. Nice move.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. There were some complaints about triple Freebird.

[Matt McCusker]

Who the.

[Shane Gillis]

About the music on repeat.

[Matt McCusker]

Who would complain about triple Freebird?

[Shane Gillis]

There was nothing they could do.

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's. Yeah. Boosting your touch tunes is honestly might be one of my favorite things in the world is completely commandeering a touch tune and ruining it. Ruining everybody's night. It's awesome. A good song for that. I think I said it before. But Donovan Atlantis. Just an English guy from the 60s be like in there. In the former world there was Atlantis and he just. It's like a 13 minute song. Or he just like talks about the legend of Atlantis. It's so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice. I told you that time we took over the. There was just a guy eating spaghetti at a really shitty dive bar. We started playing when the moon hits your ass. We just kept playing Italian songs. He was by himself eating spaghetti at the bar. It was terrible. It was so depressing.

[Matt McCusker]

I'd be pumped if someone hit me with the spaghetti soundtrack.

[Shane Gillis]

You never even noticed it. But yeah, we were hitting loud spaghetti soundtrack. This episode of Matt and Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by. Dude wipes.

[Matt McCusker]

Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah. Every time.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Every single time.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I did it all week.

[Shane Gillis]

Disaster.

[Matt McCusker]

I left a. I mean I literally painted my bowl this morning.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It was crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

There's nothing wrong with that.

[Matt McCusker]

No, it was a paint job.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it?

[Matt McCusker]

Pretty much an extra pair per day.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I always bring extra underwear.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Not because I'm. My pants constantly.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I used to probably work the.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on? Dude, how horny are these people? What did they want to know?

[Matt McCusker]

There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a stand up wiper. Honestly, sitting down, I just smears every. I don't know. I can't do it.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your B hole some respect and upgrade to Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes tackle the mess without bus. And the flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults, so no. So no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude Wipes Best clean Pants down available. These guys are really funny. Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. You got the video.

[Matt McCusker]

Tonight might be. Tonight might be speedy night at my house.

[Shane Gillis]

That's exciting.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I'm actually kind of pumped on that. Dude, how big is this video?

[Shane Gillis]

The only thing I see here is the brawl. The Alabama River. The Alabama Riverfront.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man. Shirtless whites defeated on the riverfront.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, the shirtless whites.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang, dude. Imagine going home from getting the Alabama Brawl. You got to put on your life is good T shirt.

[Shane Gillis]

It's all over the news. People are celebrating.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn. My goodness gracious.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait, if it's on your phone, just show it to Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah. Let me just.

[Shane Gillis]

And let everybody get a good look at this knee brace and.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, here we go.

[Gardini]

Never got sound before.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no.

[Matt McCusker]

You're listening to thought rap, too. Okay, sorry. Let's see. Fast forward the tape. Okay, this is just. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Where else could he be sitting? Their shoulders are touching. There's one bench I'm sitting so far.

[Nate Craig]

Actually, it looks better like a little bit nailed to me than it did.

[Matt McCusker]

You're saying their knees are VEED out and you're on the tip?

[Nate Craig]

Yeah, their knees are beat out and I'm in the tip of the thing. But the video's.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn it.

[Shane Gillis]

You're on the tip, she follows.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I mean, it's.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, bro, I'm not dancing. Look at the fellas behind him. They love it. God, dude, they love that you're having fun. That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

You kind of gave him a wally a little bit.

[Nate Craig]

I get a what?

[Matt McCusker]

A wally.

[Nate Craig]

What is that when you just.

[Matt McCusker]

Someone leans against a wall and you just twerk on them?

[Shane Gillis]

Work.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I will say.

[Matt McCusker]

I will say it's still up for debate, but it doesn't.

[Nate Craig]

You know, I like to believe you guys. Trust me. That I wasn't sitting on two men's laps.

[Matt McCusker]

I do believe.

[Nate Craig]

Through 6th Street.

[Matt McCusker]

I think as. As tantalizing of a possibility as that is, I do think their knees were ved out and you were on the very edge of the seat. Looking forward.

[Nate Craig]

The video is. Damn. It was a. I started sweating last night on Monday.

[Shane Gillis]

What did.

[Nate Craig]

Footage came out.

[Shane Gillis]

Holy footage.

[Gardini]

Yeah, the.

[Matt McCusker]

What.

[Lemaire Lee]

Petty cab was the opposite.

[Matt McCusker]

Straight as hell.

[Lemaire Lee]

We could all fit. Nobody had to sit on any laps. And we just screamed really loud the whole time.

[Nate Craig]

My friend's ban is.

[Matt McCusker]

You did.

[Nate Craig]

You guys abandoned me for timing. We were supposed to be together.

[Shane Gillis]

Sorry you lapped up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Could have Ubered.

[Lemaire Lee]

Yeah, we could have Ubered.

[Shane Gillis]

That was my suggestion.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

That was what I was saying. I was like, let's Uber this rickshaw through the city.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, those things are kind of. And they drive, so they ride so fast too.

[Shane Gillis]

It's fun when you're on there. Yeah, I guess I just gotta let go.

[Matt McCusker]

I did one with my kids and I was like, yo, can you please slow the down? I. I don't need you to get me there. Two minutes faster. Please slow down, dude. You're driving like a maniac. But, yeah, it would be cool if your kids aren't on. That'd be fun. I had, like, two little kids, and he was just, like, jamming his brakes in front of bikes. I'm a bro. Slow the down. You're not winning. I'm not gonna be like, this is so cool. This guy's flying. We almost hit, like, dude, pedestrians right.

[Shane Gillis]

Next to cars, too. Yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And it's like, right at pedestrians. Yeah, it's just like, bruh, Woody. I mean, I guess you're trying to make that money. Those dudes get paid during, like, acl. Those dudes will make like a thousand bucks a night. It's kind of tight.

[Shane Gillis]

We gotta get you out there, Mace. Yeah, get a lime scooter and just attach a little chariot.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you can jailbreak those things too. You can jailbreak lime scooters and they rip.

[Gardini]

Dude, I want to jailbreak one. Hit like 40 on it.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Do it.

[Shane Gillis]

You are Nice on those things.

[Gardini]

I have. I have a good time.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, I can't believe you haven't really tumbled yet.

[Gardini]

I'm always tumbling.

[Shane Gillis]

You have like a devastating tumble. There's going to be a devastating tumble one of these days.

[Gardini]

I had one in Indianapolis. I scooted. I was drunk. I scooted around the corner. I just fucking fell and I went head over ass. I just went sideways roll.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn.

[Shane Gillis]

God, that must have been so nice to see. Oh, yeah.

[Gardini]

And I got a scar from here when I tried to. I was. I was again scooting from Frazier's to my house and I tried to jump a curb. I just.

[Shane Gillis]

What the made you think you could jump a curve?

[Matt McCusker]

Jump off or up?

[Gardini]

I was close up. I was trying to jump up a turn.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, so you. Oh, you just lifted the front. Scraped the bottom just a little bit.

[Gardini]

I just missed it. A bunch of guys were laughing at me after that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, definitely a guy trying to jump a curb, getting really hurt.

[Matt McCusker]

You should have plant. You could. If you plant one foot, you could probably pop it up. Yeah, but that's risky, dude.

[Gardini]

I did see this.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you do full speed on it? Oh, dude, that's crazy.

[Gardini]

That's going fast.

[Matt McCusker]

Squealing the brakes on them is nice. I'll do. I'll like pull up to my house on them every now and again. My wife will be outside and I'll just get to our block and go, oh, my God, will you stop? This episode is brought to you by Chime. You know, when it comes to your financial future, just a small step forward can make a big difference. Like when I stop spending all my spare cash on stupid, pointless, jokey thing. But seriously, here's a good tip. Open a Chime checking account and you're one step closer to a better financial future. With no maintenance fees, fee, free overdraft up to $200, or getting paid up to two days early. With direct deposit, making progress has never been easier.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

That's really good. And if you ever want access to your pay before payday, you can use my pay to get up to $500 of your pay before payday with no mandatory fees or interest.

[Shane Gillis]

That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

This episode is brought to you by.

[Shane Gillis]

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[Matt McCusker]

The core short is the short that started it all for Vuori Fitness Versatility. One short every sport, guys. They're ideal for fitness, running and training, but also stylish and comfortable. That's important.

[Shane Gillis]

That is important. I want to be stylish.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm going to be stylish and comfortable. Some of their stuff is like borderline erotica. So if you feel my shorts right here, I'm actually wearing them right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Make me.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm actually wearing them right now, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

They're is an investment in happiness. And right now you can get 20% off your first order and free shipping on any US order of $75 and free returns.

[Matt McCusker]

So get your core shorts [e-mail] secret that's V U O R I.com/secret exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. Yeah, they're nice. Lime scooters are the shit, man. I love those things. Lot of people are like, genuinely, like, I don't touch those things.

[Shane Gillis]

Me.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I love them, man. They're so fun. I brought him to the mothership. Ride them there. Grab one, ride it back. It's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's crazy. It's such a long drive.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like 3.4 miles. Headphones, dude. Headphones in. Blasting. It's fucking. It's the best. There's. There's like a couple on the route from my house there. There's like three spots I can get air. Just like weird shit, you know, like.

[Shane Gillis]

The air on the way to the show.

[Matt McCusker]

For sure. If there's like, you know, like tree roots, like sidewalks up. There's. There's one really good. Oh, dude. Near the cemetery. There's one like. It's so good.

[Shane Gillis]

Damn. Getting air in front of the cemetery. Showing up and not doing good.

[Matt McCusker]

Getting air for all the people who are dead. They can't get air anymore.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it is. Out of respect, for sure. Hidden air in front of a cemetery.

[Matt McCusker]

And a lot of like the. There's like driveways. There's a curb where it's like. It kind of goes up. You can nail the.

[Shane Gillis]

It's.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Getting air on those things. I haven't skateboarded in a while. I've been. I've been feeding for air. We.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. There's got to be a way for you to get air.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm gonna skateboard again. My knee. My knees are like better now. So.

[Shane Gillis]

I wouldn't risk it with the big race.

[Matt McCusker]

True. Yeah. I guess I gotta stay focused.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't get air. I can't get 2 inches.

[Shane Gillis]

If you get hurt and you're not allowed to participate, that's bigger than losing to now.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a loss. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Having to be like oh actually I can't do it.

[Shane Gillis]

Is your family excited for the race?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't think they care that much. I mean they'll.

[Shane Gillis]

I think the closer it gets, the closer they get. I'd be so excited.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. To watch. It'll be so fun.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd be so happy.

[Matt McCusker]

I might get. I might go pro. The whole thing.

[Shane Gillis]

Either way. Either way it's a victory.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoever wins, it's. The other person's going to be.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's going to be crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

It's going to be too.

[Shane Gillis]

It's. That'd be the funniest.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll go all out. I'll.

[Shane Gillis]

Of course. Yeah. You'll die for it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

I think he will do.

[Matt McCusker]

One of us might die from the race.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm best case scenario. Would you take an early enough lead that you can just. It's over.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

If it's close. You guys are going to run. You guys might run a four minute mile. You guys are going to be sprinting.

[Matt McCusker]

Just beat the canyon. I think the record for a mile is like sub four minutes.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's pretty up. Dude. Did you know the Tour de France is 2100 miles?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't know that.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't know it was exactly that. I knew it was like. It's insane.

[Matt McCusker]

I just learned that it starts in where it starts in Italy and goes into France. I. I thought it was like 80 miles which I'm like that's an impressive.

[Shane Gillis]

It's multiple days, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It's like. It's like a month. And they ride 2100 miles crossing from.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't give a. About the Tour de France. Neither do I like it at all.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't care until I rode my bike yesterday. 3 miles.

[Shane Gillis]

I haven't ridden a bike in forever.

[Matt McCusker]

It's so tight, dude. Yeah. Especially when like all. I'm all about tracking times on everything now. So I was like tracking my time and I was like, let me see what Tour de France is up to. And I was like, what the.

[Shane Gillis]

They're going fast, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

They. They go fast as uphills and it's. Dude, 2100 miles.

[Shane Gillis]

They were all ju. Bro, why wouldn't you. That's why you're getting into it. That's why you're getting into it.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude. The juice is taking over my brain.

[Shane Gillis]

Finding out what Floyd Landis was on. The pride of Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

[Matt McCusker]

How long did it take you to get back from the gym? You should check your times, check your time. I checked them. It was three miles. About like 20. It was like 15 minutes. It wasn't great. My time was all uphill. My time was trash. 3 mile times 27 minutes. I can do running 27 minutes. 3 mile.

[Shane Gillis]

That's incredible.

[Matt McCusker]

It's all right. It's not bad.

[Shane Gillis]

That's really good.

[Matt McCusker]

Nine minute mile.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's three. Nine minute miles.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You should run a marathon.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't. Dude, I can't do like super, super long miles. My knees just get shattered. I'd have to. And also running crushes your tea, so. Only. Yeah, it does, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

It makes a lot of sense.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a girl.

[Shane Gillis]

Running is for girls.

[Matt McCusker]

It is. But unless you lift and sprint. I sprint.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta sprint. That's hot. Sprinting, the most tea you can have.

[Matt McCusker]

It's. Sprinting is high too.

[Shane Gillis]

Sprinting's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

Sprinting in mile. My trying to like. I want to be able to like.

[Shane Gillis]

Sprinting is so funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Sprinting's hilarious, dude. And it's nice too because there's people there who run like, seriously.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

When you're doing sprints, you blow past them and I think it kind of pisses them off because there was a running club. I was there one Saturday and there's a running club and there was like. The dude was like. He seemed to be like the captain.

[Shane Gillis]

Running club is just a full sex club.

[Matt McCusker]

It's completely.

[Shane Gillis]

The Austin running clubs are literally just to each other.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I mean, yes, for sure. It was literally just Jack dudes and babes, but we were doing sprints.

[Shane Gillis]

The Jack dudes and babes. It's non stop here.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I know, but it was. It was funny because there was.

[Shane Gillis]

And then you're just blown by them.

[Matt McCusker]

Because they're the one guy which is like. They're like doing warm ups and then it's like you blow past them and like, guys, we're gonna do sprints after this. You want to do it? It's like, bro, we're done. Like, chill ye. Right? I passed you. I blew you out of the.

[Shane Gillis]

We're not gonna race, dude. I already won.

[Matt McCusker]

But it's. It was funny because that day, it was the running club.

[Shane Gillis]

I already won the race. All right, dude, obviously you want a rematch. I just humiliated you in front of all the babes.

[Matt McCusker]

He was just, like, warming up. I think he's just being nice. Honestly, I was. I was with my friend just being like, dude, he's so pissed we blew past him. That guy's so mad at us right now. But then there was three heats, pretty much, because there was. The running club was shredded. And then the dude I was with were both just like kind of dad bodies. And then there was like super fat dudes. And we were vibing with the super fast because we would spring.

[Shane Gillis]

Fats were in the running club.

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, they were just there, just walking. Just a super fat club grazing. I shouldn't call them super fast.

[Shane Gillis]

They were grazing on the infield.

[Matt McCusker]

They were pretty chunky. But we were cheering each other on because then we would sprint and they started doing sprints and that's low, too.

[Shane Gillis]

I was hyping, cheering each other on at a track.

[Matt McCusker]

Now when you see the fats, I. I see the fats a lot of the track, and I always. I saw a father with two fat sons.

[Shane Gillis]

That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

And I was running three miles and I was hitting them with the hang loose because they were.

[Shane Gillis]

What are you guys doing on the telephone over there?

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Okay, well, that's.

[Matt McCusker]

Now I can't think about anything else.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, tell us another. So we're gonna edit it right now. Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Shane Gillis]

And we're back. Hey, hey, how's it going?

[Matt McCusker]

But yeah, cheering on the fats of the track. That is nice.

[Shane Gillis]

That's all.

[Matt McCusker]

Because we had to unite. We were two. We were just two rebel blocks.

[Shane Gillis]

How old were these fats?

[Matt McCusker]

They were. They were like, I would say out of college age. Not they're.

[Shane Gillis]

What do you mean by cheering on the fat? Like, what were you saying?

[Matt McCusker]

Well, we were like, we would run. They were kind of hyping us, and then they would run. We'd hype.

[Shane Gillis]

What do you mean by hyping?

[Matt McCusker]

Just as they were like. Because you're sprinting and you're like, you know, you get that you need that final push when you're like 40 meters out. You want to start giving up.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, let's go.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. And then they'd pass. They pass us and be like, come on, let's go, let's go. Just hyping them up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Hyping the fats. We were united against the Austin running club, the Poly.

[Shane Gillis]

The Poly clubs are the awesome running clubs. It's filth.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It was the fat. Slightly less fat.

[Shane Gillis]

Super chlamydia running through that thing. Just.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Drug resistance. STDs.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh. Big time.

[Shane Gillis]

Coursing through all of their. And big time. Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Dripping. I think I caught some of the drip.

[Shane Gillis]

The drip was probably. Probably. It's like alien blood. It probably slipped the burn through the ground. It was acid.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. No one hornier.

[Shane Gillis]

No one hornier.

[Matt McCusker]

Just like having, like a mid-20s existential crisis. You're just running like a. I do.

[Shane Gillis]

Understand the meeting friends thing. It's nice getting along.

[Gardini]

But.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's clearly.

[Matt McCusker]

It was like. It was pretty. The invite to it was aggro. It was like multiple invites.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, guys, I'm married. I don't want to do gay stuff with the captain of the thing. I don't want to kiss all the girls.

[Shane Gillis]

They're at the. The. What's the. The Domain a lot.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I always see them there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They squat up.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I don't get the invite.

[Matt McCusker]

It's up. I think they know I'm not a rock. Did you just blow past them?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I just walk.

[Matt McCusker]

You gotta blow past them and they're like, dudes, we're doing sprints after this. It's like, dude, you had your chance on the track, man. I.

[Shane Gillis]

You got torched.

[Matt McCusker]

I smoked your ass. You didn't know we were racing. Not my problem.

[Shane Gillis]

You got torched by the best.

[Matt McCusker]

Sorry. You know, we were racing, bro. I'm always ready to run. Yeah. The track is intense, man. There's like, some people who are all. It does make me laugh when people are like, just buy a ton of for running. It's like, bro, people spend boku bucks on running stuff. It's like, you don't need it. All you gotta do is just run. Dude, you don't need to buy, like, 14. There's one in.

[Shane Gillis]

Was it in Philly? There's like a. That shoe store.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a running store.

[Matt McCusker]

The Philippines there.

[Shane Gillis]

I've gone in there to just buy sneakers. It's so embarrassing. Clearly, I don't run.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And there's just. Everyone's in there.

[Matt McCusker]

Is there? There's a guy who works in there, who's an ally of the podcast. He's an ultra marathoner. Absolutely the bro. But yeah, no, it's. People are all about it, and you're like, dude, I'm really just walking in these things.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I'm just. I just want something comfortable. I'm here to get something comfy.

[Matt McCusker]

He's inspired. He has inspired me more of a slippers man. True Hocus. HOKA does make slippers. That would be kind of nice. Yeah, I saw. I spied him when I was in California. I said, that'd be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

That would be a nice treat.

[Matt McCusker]

Still so goddamn cheap. I saw him there, and I said, not yet. I can't get. I can't get the hocus slippers just yet. But, yeah, that one day I'll treat myself. But yeah, dude, come Saturday. What?

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, you can totally hit the track Saturday.

[Matt McCusker]

We're gonna sprint out.

[Shane Gillis]

Sign me up.

[Matt McCusker]

You totally come.

[Shane Gillis]

Sign me up.

[Matt McCusker]

I will say sprinting.

[Shane Gillis]

Put out a flyer.

[Matt McCusker]

Sprinting feels good. Sprinting.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll be there now.

[Matt McCusker]

Sprinting feels great.

[Shane Gillis]

It's been a while.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying. I didn't do the first. When I first started doing it, my fingertips would be numb for, like, when I was running. I'd feel the blood just leave my hands.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, wow.

[Matt McCusker]

Whoa. Let's get out. You know, because when you run, you form new veins and capillaries, and that's why I really like it. Yeah, it's kind of cool.

[Shane Gillis]

That is cool.

[Matt McCusker]

Because otherwise, just veins are getting clogged and dying every day. And if you run your body, you're like. You have. Instead of, like. I mean, obviously, I guess it helps your muscles, but, like, your vein, you know? No, I learned that from. By the way, I don't think I had. When you were gone, I had a penis guy. I did a zoom with the penis guy. Janice.

[Shane Gillis]

Janice.

[Matt McCusker]

Janice Biffrens.

[Shane Gillis]

His name's Janice.

[Matt McCusker]

That's like his, like, pseudonym for his penis company. That's like his YouTube name. But he was one explaining to me, like, if you want to grow your dick, you have to do a lot of cardio because that releases a growth hormone a lot of people push.

[Shane Gillis]

That explains a lot. I don't know, but I'm thinking about it, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been shrimping lately.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, you're working so hard. Once you're done work. Once you're back in recovery, you'll get your dong.

[Matt McCusker]

I think it's.

[Shane Gillis]

You deserve from working hard, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I honestly think it's from not. I don't like, I don't touch my dick.

[Shane Gillis]

That's really up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I don't even touch it. I. Sometimes in bed I'll start to and go, no, just like hands down my pants.

[Shane Gillis]

Real up.

[Matt McCusker]

Just my hands. I like my hands on my pants like normal. And I'll go, this is nice. And I go, bro, hands off, hands off, Mr.

[Shane Gillis]

Pulled on it.

[Matt McCusker]

I like that. No, I got, I got, I got one in the chamber enough times past where I got the bulletin. I got the bulletin this morning going. It's on.

[Shane Gillis]

I said, you nice.

[Matt McCusker]

But I'll tell you man, when it just, just from like, you know, experimental point of view, just ignore the data. When you don't touch it for a while, you think it'd be a raging bull. It just starts to like deflate and die. So like my penis is just dying on my body. It's which one day hopefully it'll just completely go, which would be nice. Then I could totally. Then I could totally lock in. Then I'll get a five minute really.

[Shane Gillis]

Going to be running and listening to Aztec books, smoking a cigarette, cigar without a dick.

[Matt McCusker]

Then I can really focus. But yeah, I. I appreciate that.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what you're going for.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I'm done it, dude. It would be so nice to be done with it completely. But I don't think I am because I had very erotic dreams last night that were incredibly troubling. I. I can't even talk about it.

[Shane Gillis]

They were troubling.

[Matt McCusker]

They were so bad. Yeah, they were so bad.

[Shane Gillis]

Who was it?

[Matt McCusker]

I was just like having sex with my wife so much. Dude. It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, true. You can't.

[Matt McCusker]

I was just like making my wife come all night my dreams. It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Crazy. That's awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it was tight. We're actually making a movie.

[Shane Gillis]

Actually.

[Matt McCusker]

It's pretty tight.

[Shane Gillis]

What's that?

[Matt McCusker]

It was. I was being. I was. I had to film myself having sex for a movie last night. Oh yeah. Like my wife obviously was like blowing me non stop preparation of the role.

[Shane Gillis]

Good lord, dude, you gotta jack off. You gotta jack off, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It was troubling the dream.

[Shane Gillis]

Enough of this.

[Matt McCusker]

The dream came to my head a couple times with the podcast. I got kind of wobbled. Like I would just remember new things from a big man. That was so up.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the worst when you get a nasty one.

[Matt McCusker]

And not even, not even a wet dream either.

[Shane Gillis]

You better not have a fucking wet dream.

[Matt McCusker]

I haven't I thought last night should have been the night. Not a dribble, not a dribble, not a drop. Not a dribble, not a drum. We'll see.

[Shane Gillis]

It's time, Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been on the fence a couple of times dude, but I'm in the brother chat. I can't be the first to follow.

[Shane Gillis]

You're going to chat about it?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, me and my brothers, dude, we're. We talk about not jerking off in the chat.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, is this where you found out about the Covenant app?

[Matt McCusker]

That one. My other friend sent me the Covenant app. Which I was like that's good information. Thank you.

[Shane Gillis]

So brothers and it's not. It's not Gay Bill, it's It's me.

[Matt McCusker]

Gay Bill and Tom. Gay Bill. Gay Bill. Low key hasn't fapped in the longest out of all of us. My brother Kevin is still holding down fapping rules.

[Shane Gillis]

Shout out Kev.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, actually I brought him in. He's like you guys are weird. Get me out of this group yesterday.

[Shane Gillis]

That's disgusting. Talking to brothers about it.

[Matt McCusker]

Let me re I dude, it's the chat might be the funniest.

[Shane Gillis]

That's got to be so funny.

[Matt McCusker]

The chat.

[Shane Gillis]

You Tom and Bill?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, and Kevin reluctantly. And Kevin. Let me see. I'm trying to see the last thing. Everything I said I see in there. I'm always like damn, this is the weirdest.

[Shane Gillis]

Let me get in that chat. I'll say I'll start tossing you guys some porn and seeing everybody spaz.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, you'll get kicked out of the chat.

[Shane Gillis]

Kick me out. I just want to get in there and post a hot babe. Send the brothers into a spiral.

[Matt McCusker]

This is the chat. I won't say who from wasn't me came I swear to God I supposed to make this a Sunday. Came super close to a wet dream last night. Subject matter. Never mind. I can't even read that. Thank you for the update from Kevin. Please let me know when you come in your pants, brothers. The other person goes haha. I sleep naked. I worry my non guiding ways are going to lead to an unplanned pregnancy. My unvaxed sperm can swim across cross bed sheets.

[Shane Gillis]

I know who that was.

[Matt McCusker]

I told I my response actually was wet dream totally fine. Even ones of a homosexual nature. Don't worry about it.

[Shane Gillis]

That would suck. That would blow. Homosexual wet dream would be homosexual wet dream would suck.

[Matt McCusker]

You're gay at that point you have to come out to your dad.

[Shane Gillis]

No dude, it's just a dream. There's nothing. There's Nothing you can do.

[Matt McCusker]

If you bust, you have to come out to your family and say, guys, last night. Last night I had.

[Shane Gillis]

Just include your mom and dad in the group chat. Just go. Just go. I had a wet dream to gay.

[Matt McCusker]

Sex, at which I've had a thousand of them, but I've never came. Last night I fully came. And I just want to tell you guys about that now that I'm starting my new lifestyle. Or just be gay in your dreams. Be like, look, I'm straight as hell.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like the. What's that show?

[Matt McCusker]

Severance.

[Shane Gillis]

Severance.

[Matt McCusker]

Severance, yes.

[Shane Gillis]

My dreams. I'm just gay as hell.

[Matt McCusker]

There's got to be someone that every night. I mean, there's got to be a lot of guys every night have gay dreams.

[Shane Gillis]

Nuts. That's why he was sleeping at the bar. He knew it was coming. That rickshaw got him excited. He was like, the only place I can be gay.

[Matt McCusker]

Stuck on a rickshaw again. He's fully. And he passed out of the bar. He's trying to get free use. He's trying to be free.

[Shane Gillis]

He tried to. His mouth was wide open, almost like he. It wasn't regular. Yeah, he was awake.

[Matt McCusker]

He's just doing kegels. Just tightening that thing.

[Shane Gillis]

You got a jack off.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought, we're having fun, we're talking.

[Shane Gillis]

It's time to jack off.

[Matt McCusker]

Nah, man, I'm telling you, I came close. Last couple nights, I've been like, it, dude, I can't go. Especially since I'm like, I've just been so shrimped out. I'm like, dude, this is getting crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

That's where you gotta draw a line. Shrimped out.

[Matt McCusker]

Let me see how shrimps I can get. I want to go.

[Shane Gillis]

I appreciate that.

[Matt McCusker]

Going all the way micro. Going totally micro. We'll see if I. Dude, if I'M like completely microed again, I might have sex tonight. So we'll see.

[Shane Gillis]

I hope you do.

[Matt McCusker]

If I get like a. At first, it's just log jamming. You have wicked hard raiders and that's nice. A couple times where I was going, well, I'm not log jamming right now. What the hell? I should be.

[Shane Gillis]

Should be jamming.

[Matt McCusker]

I should be jamming right now. Gone. Yes, I should be g. I should be jamming right now. It's just spaghetti night right now.

[Shane Gillis]

In the moon every night.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I go, I'm definitely turning 40 this year. I can tell. My body sending me messages saying, hey, you're turning 40 this year, but now.

[Shane Gillis]

You have a tenus. Now you have giant balls.

[Matt McCusker]

We'll see. I'll give you the full update.

[Shane Gillis]

I smashed my nuts getting out of the car today. Yeah. I went and got coffee and when I got out of the car.

[Matt McCusker]

Would you sit on them or hit.

[Shane Gillis]

It's got one of those seats that kind of. Yeah. Rips you grip to the bottom of my sack. Just get out of the car. I was like, God. Just holding a car. My hands. I was like, oh.

[Matt McCusker]

I've caught a couple of full rockers in the nuts. Like not too long to where like I scream.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's my Chloe's three. So they're at the age we hate rapping.

[Shane Gillis]

Our balls are getting big.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's true.

[Shane Gillis]

We're geezed up, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I got like an off the ropes elbow full, like awful.

[Shane Gillis]

It's lame. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's insane, dude. Fully. Also, dude, like, I was taking a this morning and I was like. It smelled so. It smelled awful.

[Shane Gillis]

It was a new smell.

[Matt McCusker]

It really was. It was.

[Shane Gillis]

It's always alarming when you unlock it. You're like, wait a second.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You're going like, this is pond mixed with. Yeah, it was bad. It was. It was very, very like. Yeah. Aqua. Aqua base smell. And the. Dude. And like my, like. My kids think it's funny to like bust in on me when I'm taking a. Which it is. They got it from the day, but they got hit. True. They got hit with the wall of smell. So I watched my one kid walking.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

And just like ran out of the room and I was like, you get.

[Shane Gillis]

The out of the swamp thing was in there.

[Matt McCusker]

It feels so powerful.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude. That is nice.

[Matt McCusker]

It was a People trying to play.

[Shane Gillis]

A prank on you. Go, well, how about this?

[Matt McCusker]

How about bang Powers hit the invisible walls.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like you used a force field.

[Matt McCusker]

Confused. I used the force on her felt so. Because you know when you come in on your dad smells and you go, oh, my God. Being on the other end of that is nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Just full doors. I think I was wiping my ass and I was like, get out of here.

[Shane Gillis]

I did. Did we talk about it in la? I hit. I hit my babe with one of those.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you.

[Shane Gillis]

She came back. I just took a dump and she came back in the hotel room and it was crazy. It was a new smell dump. It was like, what is happening? She came in. It was like, holy. This whole. The whole hotel stunk. Sweet to open the door. The doors on the balcony. I was laying in bed.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, shut the up. I just. You don't they love it, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, she was. Everybody loves it.

[Matt McCusker]

They.

[Shane Gillis]

Shaming someone for his stinky dump is so.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I'm saying they love the stinky dump. They love it, dude. They ate every second of it. They're going, oh, my God, this thing's so bad. They're going, they love it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They're like soothsayers. They can only see your future when.

[Shane Gillis]

They'Re smelling your dump.

[Matt McCusker]

They smell the dump and they go. And they have visions like the three eyed ravens.

[Shane Gillis]

What's. What's the consensus in the brothers chat about.

[Matt McCusker]

It's kind of quiet right now.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I mean, just like, I'm sure you guys are all bragging about benefits.

[Matt McCusker]

No, man, it's actually. My brother sent me this. He sent me. He sent me this. It's just a babe.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And then I was like, on my phone, Maya went over my shoulder. She was, dad, are you talking to your girlfriend? I was like, yo, what the God damn, I have a girlfriend. So where the hell are you getting that from? She's like, I don't know. And I. I was like, wouldn't you be mad if daddy had a girlfriend?

[Shane Gillis]

Would you be cool with, you know, like, who cares, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Are you chill? I guess. Your generation, it won't even matter by then. You guys should understand. Yeah, let me. Let me say. I'll say almost.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd imagine there's some bragging going on.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, yeah, it's typically in the beginning, it's been pretty quiet. That's why I'm kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys are hitting the.

[Matt McCusker]

At first it was nothing but like. Yeah, at first, dude, look. At first it was this. Just a guy, cool guy, long hair. Now my brother's sending me slightly goon material, bro. Chill, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Who's gonna break first, you think?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know, man. Me, probably. That's why I'm trying not to be the weak link.

[Shane Gillis]

People could also be fibbing.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, fibbing about not doing it is where. I've said it before. It's where you end up with, like, boys in a motel room. If you fib about fibbing, then you just. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You end up doing something bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Because you go, what else could I.

[Shane Gillis]

What other secrets I can get away with anything?

[Matt McCusker]

True. I'm gonna text him now. Like, I hope every day is a beautiful mystery for you.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, beautiful. Those.

[Matt McCusker]

Those letters were crazy, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you think Trump had swag like that back in the day?

[Shane Gillis]

I think he did.

[Matt McCusker]

I sound. I don't know, man. That's like, one of those ones that's so spot on that you're like somebody that'd be a genius to come up with that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You're a beautiful enigma. May every day be a beautiful mystery for you, my friend. Stay mysterious.

[Shane Gillis]

That's. If he wrote that, I'm done with him.

[Matt McCusker]

It's kind of. I mean, it is hyper swag. Pedophile letter. Be like, you're a beautiful little mission.

[Shane Gillis]

A little secret. You're my secret.

[Matt McCusker]

Although those dudes. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, that's. Never mind.

[Shane Gillis]

I like that everyone's running with the Epstein thing now.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you mean?

[Shane Gillis]

They're just like, trump's on the list. It's like. Yeah, we all knew that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The whole time.

[Matt McCusker]

We knew it. Although everyone was holding out hope that he was with the staff.

[Shane Gillis]

You could still be on the list and hang out with the staff. Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

If you go. If you went and hung out with the staff, you're on the list.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I. I'll be honest. I turned him. I heard he was on the list, and I turned kind of a blind eye where I was just kind of like, well, I knew it. I was like, we'll see what comes out. But, yeah, I was more focused on Gates because I was like, at least they didn't hang out after he.

[Shane Gillis]

You want gates?

[Matt McCusker]

I want it. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You'll bring it down.

[Matt McCusker]

I do. Well, also, apparently it's like, on the record. They're hanging out after he was busted as a pedo.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So I. In my head, I was going. And, you know, I don't. Whatever. I'm not like, the biggest Trump supporter, but it's like, maybe he hung out with him before he was a convicted pedo. Yeah, but is there any info on that? Like, did they bro down after the conviction? That's. That's the real.

[Shane Gillis]

When was the. The first one in Florida? Was it late 90s? Oh, oh, okay. It was like, 07. Who's under Obama now? Oh, never mind.

[Matt McCusker]

Didn't. Didn't Trump spaz after, like, the Epstein stuff didn't go his way. And didn't he, like, I'll arrest Obama as, like, a recovery. Such a funny thing. Like, dude, you're pedophile. Like, dude, I'll arrest Obama if you.

[Shane Gillis]

Guys keep calling me a pedophile. I'm going to arrest Barack Obama. 2008. Okay, so that was. Yeah, that was during Obama.

[Matt McCusker]

So. Okay, so Epstein got busted during Obama.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, but all the Trump stuff is from pre. The. The bust.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, that's what I'm saying, Did he chill with him after the bus? That's the, that's the million dollar. That's a million dollar question. Was he his beautiful mystery then? That's the question.

[Shane Gillis]

We'll find out next week.

[Matt McCusker]

True. Stay tuned.

[Shane Gillis]

Stay tuned. Goodbye.