Ep 571 - Daddy's Dots

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast – Episode 571: "Daddy's Dots"

Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Release Date: August 6, 2025

Description: Strap in for a rollercoaster ride as Matt and Shane delve into a myriad of topics, blending comedic insights with personal anecdotes. In Episode 571, titled "Daddy's Dots," the duo navigates through gaming communities, personal fitness journeys, family life, and more, all while maintaining their signature humor.

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1. Gaming Community and Toxicity

The episode kicks off with Matt and Shane discussing their experiences with the game Holdfast: Nations at War. They highlight both the engaging gameplay and the darker side of online communities.

[00:25] Matt: "Then they're not saying, viva France. They're saying the N word."

Shane expresses frustration over the rampant use of racial slurs on American servers, which deteriorates the gaming experience.

[00:28] Shane: "You got to report them."

2. Dealing with Toxic Behavior

Both hosts emphasize the importance of reporting toxic players to maintain a healthy gaming environment. They lament how pervasive negativity can lead to isolation within the community.

[00:35] Matt: "It's enough that I'm the one that's, like, offended. I'm like, God damn. These guys are really actually."

3. Children and Gaming Interactions

Shane shares a concerning incident where a player falsely accuses a child of using offensive language in-game, leading to unnecessary stress for both the child and the parent.

[01:07] Shane: "He goes, yo, man, like, you won some, like, Fortnite skin. Let me talk to your mom. I'm gonna, like, get all the information, put it together."

4. Home Security Systems and Modern Technology

Transitioning from gaming, Matt and Shane delve into the frustrations of modern home security systems, particularly focusing on the annoyance caused by false alarms triggered by wildlife.

[02:34] Matt: "The community is nice with all the guys going."

[02:36] Shane: "It goes off at three in the morning because of possums."

5. Gun Laws and Home Defense

The conversation shifts to home defense and the differing gun laws across states, with a humorous take on the practicality of using firearms within one's residence.

[03:10] Matt: "The whole point is hopefully you can shoot someone."

[03:21] Shane: "That would be... Yeah. I mean, you really can."

6. Movie Promotion and Parody Ads

In a playful interlude, Matt and Shane create a spoof advertisement for the sequel to the action movie Nobody, featuring Bob Odenkirk. This segment showcases their comedic prowess and ability to blend humor seamlessly into the dialogue.

[08:00] Matt: "This episode is brought to you by Universal Pictures. Nobody Two."

7. Running and Fitness Anecdotes

Shane recounts his recent participation in a 5K race, where he secured second place. The hosts discuss the challenges and humorous aspects of competitive running.

[33:48] Matt: "Second place."

[34:06] Shane: "I was like, I wanted gold."

8. Family Life and "Daddy's Dots"

The titular segment, "Daddy's Dots," revolves around Shane's humorous yet poignant method of marking paternity dates on his family calendar. They explore the balance between personal privacy and family dynamics.

[40:56] Shane: "Daddy's dots. Just a tiny flicker."

[44:50] Matt: "Daddy's dots."

9. Fitness, Bodybuilding, and Social Perceptions

Matt and Shane delve into the world of bodybuilding, discussing societal perceptions and the lengths individuals go to in competitive fitness environments. They touch upon topics like spray tans and the aesthetics of muscle building.

[50:00] Matt: "Bodybuilding might be gay."

[51:05] Shane: "It's a wild group of bros. Yeah."

10. Open Mic Experiences and Stage Performance

Shane shares a vulnerable moment from his open mic night where he bombed his performance by revealing his struggles with depression. The hosts discuss the fear and challenges associated with live performances.

[47:04] Shane: "I've been bombing. I've been chucking up eggs, dude."

[48:23] Matt: "I did it."

11. Personal and Humorous Anecdotes

Throughout the episode, Matt and Shane sprinkle in various personal stories, ranging from childhood memories of racing to bathrooms after church to dealing with family members' quirks. Their candidness and humor make these segments relatable and entertaining.

[55:04] Shane: "They have to go someplace."

[56:08] Matt: "Just walk home with the kids shirtless."

12. Conclusion and Upcoming Events

The episode wraps up with the hosts promoting their upcoming shows, sharing logistical details and their excitement for future performances.

[31:16] Shane: "Guys, August 16th. It's coming up. It's next week. It's huge."

[32:53] Matt: "I'll smash, you fight."

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Notable Quotes:

• [00:25] Matt: "Then they're not saying, viva France. They're saying the N word."
• [02:34] Matt: "The community is nice with all the guys going."
• [44:50] Matt: "Daddy's dots."
• [50:00] Matt: "Bodybuilding might be gay."
• [47:04] Shane: "I've been bombing. I've been chucking up eggs, dude."

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Final Thoughts:

Episode 571 of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is a testament to the hosts' ability to intertwine humor with genuine discussions on pertinent topics. From navigating toxic gaming communities to sharing personal fitness journeys and family life anecdotes, Matt and Shane offer listeners a relatable and entertaining experience. Whether you're a long-time fan or new to the podcast, "Daddy's Dots" provides a comprehensive glimpse into the lives and minds of two rising comedic voices.

Transcript

[A]

The wild, wild west.

[B]

Hey, what's up, guys?

[A]

How are you? You saw what I was up to.

[B]

That was awesome.

[A]

New game. Hold fast. Gotta give him steel, Eddie.

[B]

Yeah, that is nice. I like that. I like the musket reload, man.

[A]

Musket reload's nice, guys screaming. I like the community.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I mean, it's a community thing for me.

[B]

They should. With the respawn. The community is nice with all the guys going.

[A]

Until you get an American server.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then they're not saying, viva France. They're saying the N word.

[B]

You got to report them.

[A]

Yeah. They say it so much that it gets to the point where I'm sitting here by myself. Like, come on, guys.

[B]

Yeah, guys, this is.

[A]

I don't like that dog. It's enough that I'm the one that's, like, offended. I'm like, God damn. These guys are really actually.

[B]

Well, they gotta be. They gotta be.

[A]

You can hear, like, kids.

[B]

Yeah, they are little kids there. I saw a thing online where a guy was talking to a kid in a game, and he goes, yo, man, like, you won some, like, fortnite skin. Let me talk to your mom. I'm gonna, like, get all the information, put it together. As soon as the mom got on there, he goes, your son just said the N word to me and just. Just lied. Just made it up. And the kid's mom was like, are you using bad language?

[A]

Damn, that could have got any of us. No, mom, I wasn't. He's lying.

[B]

Hello. His mom was like, were you using bad. We're using naughty language again. Please stop. Pretty much, she handled it with, like, potty mouth energy. Like, come on.

[A]

The N word is definitely potty mouth.

[B]

It's super potty mouth. Yeah. Super potty mouth stuff, dude. Yeah, it's.

[A]

So that's what I've been up to.

[B]

Just.

[A]

Just holding. Holding the line. Giving them steel. Sitting in my house by myself, laying on this gal.

[B]

That's so sick.

[A]

Giving them steel.

[B]

So sick. I got. I. The highlight of my week so far has definitely been. Been. I got a. A thing for my bed that keeps it cold all the time. So I sleep on, like, a 55 degree.

[A]

That's incredible. It's.

[B]

It's. Dude, he got so cold last night, I got scared. I was like, what if I get the modio.

[A]

It's crazy how scared you get at night, dude. Especially scared all the time at night.

[B]

It was crazy.

[A]

It's pretty embarrassing.

[B]

I mean, it's literally the witching hour.

[A]

It's spooky I need lair. I need you back. Yeah, I need you back. When's your lease up? February. Yeah, I need you in the. In. In the perimeter. Yeah, guarding camera is a terrible choice.

[B]

Dude, It's. It goes off.

[A]

It goes off at three in the morning because of possums. And.

[B]

Yeah, it'll be. There'll be like a box across the street. It's like, yeah, we detected live movement. It's like, dude, those things are so annoying. Are you a part of the ring community as well?

[A]

Yeah, they were. Every day somebody on crack is like, why is this helicopter circling every single day?

[B]

No, no helicopter.

[A]

Yesterday the Internet went out and I got 40 notifications. I had to turn it off.

[B]

Yeah, it's really annoying. Yeah, we had one in Philly and I was like. I just took it off my phone. I was like, I don't.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Someone breaks into my house, I'll just won't.

[A]

So I'll dispatch them.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Steal. I'll give them true try bayonet somebody.

[B]

That would be. Yeah. I mean, you really can. What states didn't. It's California, I think. I think California passed it. Where you can't shoot somebody in your house, which is kind of. That's the whole point of buying a house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The whole point is hopefully you can shoot someone.

[B]

Yeah. Like we're. You. You're the lease. You're the leaseholder right now. So you could kill all of us and be like, guys, I told him to get out. Told them it didn't.

[A]

I probably bayonet all. All of you.

[B]

Yeah, true. Now I would jump three times.

[A]

If you jump, I can't bayonet. All you have to do is stand still. You have to move slightly and I cannot ban it.

[B]

That's kind of the move in that game to stand still and just move a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was like the cheat in Madden where people would stop with and you'd run, run, run, stop. It was like impossible to get the person.

[A]

Those are the days.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was awesome.

[B]

Cousin.

[A]

Be.

[B]

Mike. Vic. And you're like.

[A]

You're a piece of the energy in here is.

[B]

Yeah. What the hell's going on?

[A]

This boys are just. Is something happening in the news or something that you guys are all. What's going on?

[B]

We did a screen time check. Say I think we got six hours. Sean wouldn't disclose. Nate got seven.

[A]

Seven? Seven's a little high.

[B]

What were you rocking with? I. I don't know.

[A]

I've never checked mine before. Too ashamed when I heard you guys talking And. All right, I'm good. I can. I can feel superior.

[B]

What was. What were you rocking with?

[A]

I did hit an 8 last week. That's a rough one, but typically pretty low.

[B]

It's not bad.

[A]

Not bad.

[B]

I thought I was higher.

[A]

Speaking of screen time, let's add to it. What's going on?

[B]

I'm at 2:35 right now.

[A]

Check my text real quick.

[B]

Two hours, 35 minutes.

[A]

Yeah, I got. I've been trying to. I like, even watching movies, I have to throw my phone.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Because I'll just keep picking it up. The second the movie lulls, I go, yeah.

[B]

I. I. One time. The first time I've ever seen somebody do something like that, I was in somebody's. Unfortunately, I was in a man's bedroom, but I wasn't having sex and I was selling marijuana, but I was in a man's bedroom and he was doing tv, stereo. His had TV on, was playing music and just hitting the phone all at once. I remember being. This was like years ago. I remember being like, what the.

[A]

Yeah, that's terrible.

[B]

It was crazy. Just get. You're just getting rocking, man. Just firing everything up and just being like. I don't want to think at all. Remember being struck by that. But, yeah, the movie. I do the phone while my kids watch tv. And I even. Even during that, I feel just like a lump. They're what? They're just staring at a screen, and I'm, like, dipping out on the couch next to them.

[A]

Like. Yeah.

[B]

Anytime they look at my screen, I'm like, dude, don't look at that.

[A]

Don't look at that.

[B]

It's up.

[A]

That's. Yeah.

[B]

You'll actually find that very offensive.

[A]

No matter what. No matter what I'm looking at. Yeah. It's either gonna be a girl or it's gonna be a terrorist attack.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I watched a guy. A bridge collapse yesterday in Ukraine.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Terrifying. Just a guy on it. One guy, he was, like, welding. Yeah. Pretty terrible. He hit the one part that the entire thing collapsed, and it was like. Oh, it was terrifying, dude. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That sucks. I'd like to think I've ran the drill mentally of, like, getting out of the car. The bridge collapses. You, like, pop the thing swim out. But I feel like you sink really fast.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

If you're in a car, first of all, the impact of falling off the bridge in your car and hitting the water has got to be a rough impact.

[A]

If you're cut. Yeah. If you're in your car, it'll Be tough.

[B]

You're done.

[A]

I think you're done.

[B]

Yeah. I don't collapse.

[A]

You're.

[B]

You're dead just from debris alone.

[A]

Debris is gonna land on you. You're gonna.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It depends how high the bridge. You're probably just gonna die. What type of bridge are we talking? We'll go like, I'm talking, crossing the mighty Susquehanna.

[B]

Susquehanna alone would carry you, bro.

[A]

Susquehanna is a little shallow.

[B]

Is it really?

[A]

It's a shallow river. I mean, I'm sure there's deep parts, but. Yeah, you'd hit some rocks. That'd be a negative. Negative time.

[B]

Then you gotta swim out of like.

[A]

That's a new bridge. The turnpike's putting together some great bridges.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I was a Pennsylvania taxpayer, I'd be happy as hell.

[A]

I'd be happy as hell with the, the bridges. Not a great. But yeah. I love, love the term.

[B]

What's going on with this country's infrastructure? Are we gonna build some roads or what?

[A]

I feel like they're building roads every single place I've ever been.

[B]

Dude. It's non stop.

[A]

And they're not done.

[B]

No, they'll never be done. They're, they're literally. They're everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're shutting down. Like, the highway near my house.

[A]

Should have been a boom.

[B]

Yo.

[A]

You know where the were the roads?

[B]

Yeah. A boon.

[A]

It's should have been a boon.

[B]

Yeah. We should have came back.

[A]

If you listen closely, that I, I, I hedged my bet there a little because I wasn't sure if it was a boomer boon. So I was like, it's boom. Yeah. It should have been the infrastructure boom.

[B]

It really should have been, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Let's get, let's get.

[A]

I don't know if they did that. Did they do that when everybody was chilling?

[B]

No, everyone. Nobody's afraid. They fired everybody. They fired everybody. Know what? People had no choice other than to pop their lives or pop. You get unemployed long enough, dude, after like three days, you start getting the itchy. I want to.

[A]

You go, I've been hanging out there way too long. Let's bring up this one too.

[B]

That is a sad fact about humanity that if you, like, lose your job, it's just a matter of time.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You're gonna just.

[A]

Yeah. Because you're embarrassed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're ashamed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She starts going, you're pathetic. Oh, my God. You say that before the fight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait till I talk to me after the, the bell rings, you know?

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

It's a khabib. Now we talk. We Talk.

[B]

I mean, they're just hyping up the fight. That's.

[A]

They're trying to sell some tickets.

[B]

That's the pre fight. That's the pre fight match.

[A]

They're going to hit the McGregor. They're going to go. It's just business, man. You're going to go. No. Now we talk. This episode is brought to you by Universal Pictures. Nobody to. A couple years. A couple years ago, Bob Odenkirk showed up out of nowhere as an action star in Nobody. Now he's back in the sequel, Nobody Too.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Holy cow. This time Hutch tries to go on vacation with his family and all hell breaks loose. It's a real delight to see a guy like Odenkirk kick some serious ass. Jesus. Produced by 87North. The same team behind hits like John Wick, Bullet Train and the Fall Guy. Don't miss Universal Pictures. Nobody too. Only in theaters August 15th.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

You ever see Nobody?

[B]

No.

[A]

It's really good.

[B]

I gotta check it out.

[A]

Yeah, you'd like it. It's a fun one, dude. It's a fun little flick.

[B]

I gotta check it out for sure.

[A]

We gotta check it out.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

I wonder if those Dagestanis ever put hands on their women.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

They probably don't strike. They probably just go straight to the ground, dude. Boring ass woman. It goes five rounds. They just wear them out.

[B]

Their neighbors are like, oh, come on, man.

[A]

This is boring.

[B]

Stand up. It's just boring, man.

[A]

Standing. Bang. Yeah. I bet those Dagestanians just.

[B]

Yeah. Wrestle the.

[A]

Out of their women.

[B]

Yeah. I just feel like. Yeah. You can just tell. Yeah.

[A]

Dude, I don't think they hit the face. That face.

[B]

I think you think they're going like, babe, I see where you're coming from.

[A]

I think they're women. No. Yeah, that guy is. He's gonna get you.

[B]

They probably have like entrance music.

[A]

Oh, yeah. True. Are the Dagestan babes faces covered?

[B]

I don't think they're pretty devout Muslims, so I. I assumed they would be. Yeah, good point. But the eyes, you could say, I need to see that mouth, man.

[A]

Yeah, you can catch a little condescending glance.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Or you just see that, you know, shredder flap just moving. You know, they're talking and you're like, what did you say? Yeah, what did you say?

[A]

Now we talk.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Smash. You smash.

[B]

Dude. I read something recently. I. I'll be honest. I was trying to figure out if there was a historical record of Europeans first encountering Chinese and Japanese people. Like, what was their general impression if they've never seen them before? Like my, my honest question was like, is there historical records of them being like, dude, it was.

[A]

You can get some.

[B]

Yeah, dude. Yeah, they talked about polo.

[A]

Yeah, you can get some. Especially the Jesuits going to like Japan.

[B]

Yeah, dude, the Japanese were wild.

[A]

Rocking those dudes.

[B]

Yeah, they were just. They tort. Yeah, they were. They were like. But they apparently they were super. The, the Japanese were like super curious, especially about religious stuff. And that's what kind of got them. Cuz they would like people up. But the missionaries came through.

[A]

The missionaries came through and got tortured for like 400 years.

[B]

They got bucked for sure.

[A]

And then eventually I think it was the Dutch that started being able to trade. They were. Because it was a. No one was allowed to trade there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then the Dutch started being like, come on guys. Yeah, come on, come on. Let us, Let us.

[B]

We're chill.

[A]

Let us have one port.

[B]

We're cute. The Dutch, why do they get away from like. Because every other European country, it's. I mean it's obviously well documented. They were bad boys. But like Dutch were real bad.

[A]

They were going crazy. They got India, Japan. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Everyone always talks about Britain. You know, you don't really hear about like the Dutch.

[A]

The Deutsches Dutch went wild.

[B]

Yeah, they were. But then they got back to Amsterdam. We're like, yo brother, we're just chilling, man. Chilling bad. What was their.

[A]

The province? I forget what they were called.

[B]

Didn't have the Dutch trading.

[A]

Yeah, it was the Dutch East Indies.

[B]

Dang Dutch. Well, they came out with those. They came out with those blunts and just cashed in.

[A]

Dodge master. Yeah.

[B]

Like yo, I forgetting their name, the.

[A]

Name of the country. It wasn't Holland or Netherlands. It was a. What pro province. Some.

[B]

I don't know. Oh, they had like a Prussia pre country kind of thing. What the fire? I didn't even know that, to be honest.

[A]

Yeah, they were going wild, huh? That's one of them. But whatever. Don't be sorry about it.

[B]

Og Dutch.

[A]

There's nothing we can do about it. I'm just going off of. Nope. But that's okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, figured out something.

[B]

You know what's crazy? So I was. I was reading. So I did grock that question. I did want to see if European dudes just like went to China and just at first were like. Just a little, just a little bit. It's like because I was trying to. I'm like, it is Funny. Like, I'm not even being mean. It's like. It's funny the first time to never hear, like, a hardcore, like, straight from Chinese or straight from China. Chinese guy talk. If you've never seen that before, I was wondering, like, is it inherently funny? Or, you know, am I a jerk? Because I would make the argument, like, it is kind of inherently funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It just is. Like, it makes me laugh.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

Yeah. Just seeing, like, an old Asian dude, like, move around or, like, yell. It's. It's funny.

[A]

I think they were doing. I don't know. I don't know how funny it would be because I think they were doing their own thing. The thing that makes it funny is when they're acting Western. Yeah, I guess you're kind of doing it wrong.

[B]

Yes. I think you're 100.

[A]

You're wearing a business suit to, like, jog it just slightly off. There's something funny about it.

[B]

That's exactly what it is.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Because they were. It was. They were just purely impressed. They were like, yo, these dudes are legit. They went over there and they're like, the weird thing, though. So the Chinese apparently were like. If you visited, they were, like, super hospitable. Japanese weren't very hospitable, I guess, at first Chinese were super hospitable. And they would even be like, you know, if my. If my wife thinks you're hot, you can. My wife. But I gotta run. I gotta make sure she's cool with it. So if you, like, were a house guest, they'd be like, yo, you. My wife just. I gotta make sure she's down with it.

[A]

China might not be.

[B]

China's not. Dude.

[A]

China. If they were getting propaganda, that is.

[B]

And it's like, when was Marco Polo?

[A]

Like, I don't even. 15.

[B]

15 hunts. Yeah. Marco Polo went over there with his boys, and apparently they were just like, maybe earlier.

[A]

Do your thing, 13. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, we were.

[A]

That was Mongolians.

[B]

Yes, it was. Apparently it was a Mongolian custom that the Chinese had adopted. Mongolians are freaky.

[A]

The last guys you want to see, dude, freaky ass boy.

[B]

Which is funny. That was like. That was an accepted custom at the time. Like, oh, dude. Yeah, here's some. Here's some food. And also.

[A]

Oh, so you want a little.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, if you're horny also, you got some here.

[B]

It'd be rude of me not to have you empty the sack. It's just crazy.

[A]

I want you to be able to sleep comfortably. You can't go to Sleep with a full sack. Come on, man. Plow my wife.

[B]

Plow my wife. Please.

[A]

Plow my wife. Hey.

[B]

Yeah, that was wild, man, because I was like, what if, like, you know, because obviously the Europeans did kind of dominate culture pretty hard. But it's like, man, if it went the other way, what if China dominated us and we all had a out just to be, you know, nice. To be nice. I don't say, you know, I say it more like an ultimate host, kind of.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Super host. Airbnb 4.2 stars. Wife's was kind of trash. Backpack. Back patio was kind of cool, though. Walls are thin as hell. Made out of paper.

[A]

Fell through the wall in the middle of the night.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

Just walked right through it. Hammered Kool Aid it into their bedroom.

[B]

Yeah, they were thin walls, so you'd be like, all right, thanks. And you would plow the dude's wife behind a piece of construction paper.

[A]

That's why they're quiet. That's why they're so quiet. They're just generations of like, hey, man.

[B]

Oh, that guy. Yeah, true. That guy, man. That is so. That is just, like, for real. I was, like, reading that. I'm like, that is so nice to be like, yo, man, you got. How long was your. How long was your. A bunch of guy. You're on a boat with a bunch of guys for six months, dude. Come on.

[A]

It's time.

[B]

By my wife. But then it'd be crazy if he'd be like, let me check. And your wife's like, I'm not playing that, dude. He'd have to come out to you and be like, bro, my wife's not really feeling you, dude.

[A]

Bad news. She's tired again.

[B]

I got bad news.

[A]

Your stomach's upset.

[B]

But I think back, I. I feel like in. And this is just from reading Shogun. This is. I'm jumping to Japan now. I feel like being a prostitute back then was, like, somewhat respected. It was like a world. It was called the Willow World. It was like. It were like. You were just totally dedicated to, like, pleasures. And it was like a. It was like a whorehouse was like a magical place. You'd be like, it's time for me to go over. Yeah, they always write like that. Yeah.

[A]

I've seen a lot of those things where it's like, oh, the brothel. What a glorious. It's like, that must have been a. Oh, yeah. Well, must have been disgusting.

[B]

No, they were clean. They were super, super clean, dude. It was funny, Baron. According to European standards, they're like, dude, they're taking like five European standards. They're so bad.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

They were like, the Chinese take like six baths a month. Six baths a month. These guys are the cleanest guys.

[A]

It was. There was like a king that took like three baths in a year. And everyone in England was like this. He thinks he's better than us. He took like three.

[B]

He was so metro.

[A]

He was metro. They probably killed him. Like, oh, my. I've been battling for America on the hold fast.

[B]

Really?

[A]

The British don't like us. The. On video games. Everybody hates everybody. So everyone just fair. You get some USA chance going with all the other Americans. It's very funny.

[B]

So what's. What's the war?

[A]

The thing they're getting us on now is Epstein. And that hurts, dude. Getting called. They're like, oh, well, what about your whole country's pedophiles? I know. I was tossing some of them in.

[B]

What about Prince Andrew?

[A]

Bruce said. Prince Andrew, Was it Bat Mountbatten?

[B]

Who's that guy?

[A]

Isn't that the guy's name? The IRA blew him up, and I think it was a pedophile.

[B]

Their. Their country is literally run by pedophiles. Dude, look into the royal family.

[A]

Yeah, but when you're screaming into a headset.

[B]

Yeah, you don't.

[A]

Nobody's taking time to. Hold on, guys.

[B]

Hold on, guys. This is. You're. I feel you're maligning my country right now.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

I was speaking of the political debates. I watched Dave Smith's recent debate with this guy from the New York Times.

[A]

How'd it go?

[B]

It's the funniest. I. It might be the funniest video I've ever seen in my New York Times.

[A]

Is probably not ready for.

[B]

It's an ex New York Times guy. And it's like he comes off right off the bat. He comes out hot. He's like, yeah, dude. He calls Dave Smith a Holocaust denier. Dave Smith actually. He actually denies that. He denies the Holocaust. So he's a Holocaust denier. Denier.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

So he comes out, he's like, why did I say that? And he brought up a clip from 10 years ago of him with. With. Doesn't look great. Richard Spence 10 years ago. And Dave is talking to him, and he jokingly. He does a joke. He obviously says it like, you know, the fun way. Being like, well, that didn't happen as a joke.

[A]

And this doesn't make that joke.

[B]

It's funny.

[A]

It's a funny joke.

[B]

It's a funny joke when you're with.

[A]

Your friends kind of run its course, though.

[B]

Yeah, you can't.

[A]

Yeah, people are really hitting that joke.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, you can. You can get a nice little. To anyone. I. I hear a lot of people ask me, like, you know, what can I do for my podcast? It's like, honestly, if you want to get numbers, quick, look into some alternative history.

[A]

Some alternative history.

[B]

Going host. Ask me in a comedy club. Like, yo, like you have any advice? Like, bro, look into it, dude.

[A]

Look. Look into LiDAR. Look into wooden doors. Base your personality around that.

[B]

All right? Buy a ton of bitcoin because they're going to take your account away. But then. But yeah, he was just like, they've got. He bullied him, like, very. It was. It was hard to watch because he just bullied this man so hard. And then it devolved to the point they started calling each other names like, they're gonna fight.

[A]

It was so damn. New York Times was mad.

[B]

Failing New York Times hit him with the libs love this. They go, you're a little man. They hit him with little man. And then Dave hit him with an alt right attack, which is you're. Wow. Wow, Wes.

[A]

Damn. They really went for it.

[B]

They went nuts.

[A]

It is funny. The over zoom. The libs love hitting that.

[B]

You're a little man, you're a small.

[A]

Dick, and you're fucking gay. And you're like, hold on a second.

[B]

Isn't that. Yeah. What the.

[A]

Everything. You don't.

[B]

You know, I know they do. They. Yeah. They love nothing more than talking about closeted Republicans. Gay Republicans are like, you guys are all gay and you want to sell dicks.

[A]

Those closet Republicans are.

[B]

They're hilarious.

[A]

They're great.

[B]

Yeah, we gotta let them be. Yeah, we gotta let them be gay.

[A]

Let the boys be gay. They can't. They got to be like, fake Christians.

[B]

I know.

[A]

It's like, bro, just suck the dick. You love it, dude.

[B]

Also, they're more powerful. Once Republicans are like, yeah, I'm sucking dick now. The left goes, ah, yeah. Because then you can make all the points.

[A]

You can go, bro, yeah, we need to go to war.

[B]

If you're a political science major, the first thing you should do. If you're a Republican political science major, you should be in college sucking as many dicks as possible.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you can wipe the floor with people in the. On the monk debates.

[A]

I was genuinely talking to my agent yesterday, and I was like, dude, I think I might just turn gay.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I was like, once these tickets start drying up, I'm hitting The switch. We're gonna be rich. I'm gay as hell now.

[B]

You can come back too. Like little Nas X, I think came back. He got the gay bag and came back and was like, nah, he's not gay now. I don't think he's gay.

[A]

No, there's no coming back from that dude.

[B]

Yeah, he sucked the devil's dick. Then he had a baby. He had a baby?

[A]

Yeah, he had a baby. Like a couple maybe. Like.

[B]

It was like the little sparkly troll that's like, hold me, daddy. That's a troll's deep cut.

[A]

All my friends with kids just have the sickest kids movie.

[B]

Can you look up, can you look up the glitter troll? Sean? It says he does not have a baby.

[A]

That's lies. I've seen it on Twitter.

[B]

Oh, well, that's not what's true. Oh well, maybe we'll, you know, maybe get a clear answer on that. Sean saying, okay, maybe.

[A]

Oh, he was pregnant.

[B]

Wait, little N is pregnant?

[A]

It was a picture of him pregnant on the COVID of his album. And that was what made you think he had a kid? I. Yes.

[B]

Man, Lemaire, the reputation of this podcast hangs upon the information you provide us.

[A]

Yeah, you guys are supposed to give us good info.

[B]

But if you're saying Lil Nas X was pregnant, I believe.

[A]

Yeah, the devil works in mysterious ways.

[B]

Yeah, but I feel like he walked it back and is it was saying like he likes girls too. Maybe I'm gonna. I swear I remember this. Or maybe I was just hoping.

[A]

He does have some great songs.

[B]

He's. Yeah. Rules hitting dude.

[A]

Bisexual.

[B]

He's bisexual now.

[A]

Yeah. Well, you're clearly gay.

[B]

Yeah, I wonder, man. I don't. Yeah, I guess he. Yeah, I guess he's. He came across gay as can be.

[A]

I'm surprised he's like, didn't what's his name do that too? Who's the gay British guy, blonde hair, politician, political.

[B]

Milo.

[A]

Milo.

[B]

Milo. Yes, he did that. Milo had some wild accusations. He was saying he sucked somebody of high profile. Someone of high profile said something. He goes, yeah, that's why I remember I sucked you.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

He was an actor, actually. Now I remember it was. It was like a very high ranking actor guy.

[A]

Well, and he was trying to talk on my. He just gave you head? Yeah, basically tried to ruin his life.

[B]

Oh, dude, it was Toby. He claims he sucked Toby Maguire's dig. Oh, he claims he sucked Toby. No way.

[A]

He sucked Toby.

[B]

Yeah, he claimed Toby was saying something and Milo I think came out of nowhere. I was like, yeah, that's why I sub yo. That's why I sub yo, Dick. And it was like, take money.

[A]

It's a good comeback.

[B]

That's tough, man. I mean. Yeah. What a. Hey, I don't know. I. I'm not saying I believe it. I don't know what happened, but allegedly. That hurts, bro.

[A]

I feel like Toby's getting fell.

[B]

He was in the.

[A]

He was in the posse. Although, like I said, David Blaine, Q tip. Was it DiCaprio and Toby?

[B]

It was another hunk. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Maybe DiCaprio.

[A]

I think it was DiCaprio, Toby, David Blaine and Q Tip, they were the squad. They call themselves the posse.

[B]

What?

[A]

They would go out and get.

[B]

Damn. They were doing.

[A]

They were like, probably so cool in the 90s, early 2000s to be like, yo, with a posy.

[B]

Posy. So although here' the thing. It's like, Leo. Yeah. They're big time celebrities, so it's like they're clearly getting.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The fact that you're setting up the posse is like.

[A]

And you got a magician in the squad.

[B]

That's tough.

[A]

It's time. Yeah, he's gonna. Yeah, he's gonna confuse the hoes. He's gonna hit him with a spell of confusion.

[B]

I still get. I still get mystery videos. Remember mystery from the Pickup artist on VH1? He's still doing, like, seminars, and we should get him on the pod. He's nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Talks about, like, breaking into sets. Remember?

[A]

What's that?

[B]

A set is just like a group of girls. Yeah. Like, how would you. If you. If you saw a set, how would you approach the set?

[A]

I don't know. That's. I. I don't approach the set.

[B]

You wouldn't approach the set?

[A]

I hold the frame. Yes.

[B]

Mystery would agree with that.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

Yeah, it's you. Definitely. You don't. What he was saying is you don't go up and say, excuse me.

[A]

Clear. Flashbang. Probably breach the door. Quick. Flashbang. Grab one of them zip ties.

[B]

If that's your frame. I'm not gonna hit my frame. That's your.

[A]

That's a strong five of us could easily do that. Dude, I need you guys to stack the. Stack the door of twos on each side. Maybe a battering ram. Yeah, we should bring a ram to the club.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just in case they want to. Just in case they want to lock.

[B]

A door, kick the door, have the party ball.

[A]

Just in case they lock. Preach that.

[B]

Yeah, I'll come in the back with the party ball and just hit them in the mouth. Remember party balls, dude, they were the sick. I remember going to, like, my brother's college party. Like, we have a party ball.

[A]

And I'd be like, yo, that's so much worse than a keg. But for some reason, season so cool. It's like two cases of beer in.

[B]

A tiny little ball. They were sick, though.

[A]

They were sick.

[B]

Yeah. He said you should never. If, if you're approaching a set, you want to break into the set, you'd never lead with like, hey, excuse me. I'm sorry. Why are you excusing yourself? And what are you sorry for? You never. You just, you walk up and you say, I'm here to talk to you. Now, I got like, I, I, I, I'm not denying the guy are all just.

[A]

You just have to be autistic. Yeah, I'm here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not sorry about anything. I'd like to talk to you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You have to go crazy or. But you can't be wanting steal out of you. If he came over you. Do I fix the bayonet? I saw a guy do that.

[B]

George.

[A]

Viva France.

[B]

It's all about not wanting anything. You have to come from a place of abundance and just walk up and be like, yo, the energy is just crazy in here. Then just, like, walk away. Very mysterious.

[A]

Walk away.

[B]

Turn around and be like. Like, don't you wish you could hang out with me and just like, walk away?

[A]

Just go sit, stand a couple feet away. All right, it's time to go back and do that.

[B]

You're going to join before the boys dress like a pirate of the Caribbean and just wait for the babes to come over.

[A]

They are the pirates, dude.

[B]

For real.

[A]

Just wait.

[B]

Dude, he was. Dude, he was like the. I think he was like the granddaddy of peacocking. That's where it all came from.

[A]

Derby's got it.

[B]

Yeah. You just come up and you, you know, you break, then you bounce the set.

[A]

That has to be the most embarrassing phase to have gone through.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, Gervy's trying to peacock.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is the most embarrassing thing I've heard any of our friends do stuff like getting a big belt buckle. That's what he did. He went out and got a, like, big belt buckle to try to peacock.

[B]

Did you ever. When you're in college or, like, younger, did you ever try to play the numbers game?

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Where you just try to talk to as many women as possible?

[A]

Never really. I just cold called the babes.

[B]

You get like nine shots and you just start walking up like, yeah, Actually, I probably haven't.

[A]

Just don't. I guarantee you I haven't. Just don't remember. I've just been hammered. Like, should we kiss? Whatever.

[B]

Just I remember, like getting. Waking up just like semi blacked out and having like new numbers and just no idea what these people looked like. Hey, what's going. It's never went anywhere. Yeah. Yo. That was really fun last night. We should chill.

[A]

But the vibes in here were crazy.

[B]

Vibes are fun. The energy was nuts. I'm coming from a place of texting you from abundance right now. I'm not desperate to kiss you. Yeah, that. That's gotta be. I feel like for young guys now, it's tough.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I. I still feel like in terms of making the approach.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The. The rules have changed.

[B]

The rules have certainly went through a.

[A]

Societal shift and you're not allowed to. The approach. Is I still. Terrifying approach at the bar.

[B]

I think. I still think the move is to like. And I've seen people do this out and maybe it's just me, but I feel like you have to look like you're having more fun than you're actually having and try to attract the babes that way by having like the ultimate, like, high fives. And I remember doing this like semi consciously in college, being like. They know. They don't. They don't think we're having that much fun.

[A]

This episode of Matt and Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by. Dude wipes.

[B]

Have you left poop streaks in someone else's toilet? Yeah. Every time.

[A]

Yeah, every single time.

[B]

Yeah, I did it all week.

[A]

Disaster.

[B]

I left a. I mean, I literally painted my bowl this morning. Yeah, it was crazy.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with that.

[B]

No, it was a paint job.

[A]

Do you ever pack extra underwear when you travel? How much extra? Do you ever need it?

[B]

Pretty much an extra pair per day.

[A]

Yeah, I always bring extra underwear.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Not because I'm fucking shitting my pants constantly.

[B]

I used to probably work.

[A]

Fuck you guys getting at here? Do you wipe standing or sitting down? Does it make a difference? What is going on? Dude, how horny are these people? What do they want to know?

[B]

There's got to be something about standing up, though. Like, I'm a stand up wiper. Honestly, sitting down, I just smears every.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I can't do it.

[A]

Well, Matt, whichever way you wipe, it's time to show your B hole some respect and upgrade to dude wipes. Dude wipes. Tackle the mess without any fuss. And the Flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. They leave no room for dingleberries or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss. Plus, they're extra large and designed for adults, so no. So no more endless rolls or settling for a less than perfect wipe. Dude wipes Best Clean Pants down available. These guys are really funny. Amazon. It's available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide.

[B]

Guys, August 16th. It's coming up. It's next week. It's huge.

[A]

Yeah, it's huge. Van Andel Arena, Grand Rapids, Michigan. August 16th. It's gonna be big. And then take fly also. Yeah.

[B]

To Atlantic City. After that, fly right back to Atlantic City. Ovation Hall, Ocean Casino Resort.

[A]

I wouldn't go to that. I would go to Grand Rap. No, that's good. Ocean's gonna be nuts. Oceans will be sick. This is gonna be before or after the race?

[B]

After.

[A]

Oh, nice. You get to talk about the race on the true. That's gonna be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's gonna be a big one.

[B]

Think about that. Oh, I better. The whole time I run, I'm gonna try to get a nice five minute.

[A]

You get five out of that, you definitely will.

[B]

It'll be nice. It's all. It's. It's slated to sell out. It. It might not.

[A]

It's going to sell. That'll sell.

[B]

It's very close. It's close. It's close.

[A]

That thing's going to sell out.

[B]

I hope it will. I think it will. And, you know, even if it doesn't, we're all going to have a Good time, guys. 8:00pm Atlantic City, New Jersey. August 16th. Go to where. Where did you say you're playing?

[A]

Oh. 8pm Van Andel arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's not as good.

[B]

I was going to do the Atlantic City arena, but I was like, you know.

[A]

You know what? I'm not gonna do that to my fans.

[B]

Whatever. Go to everyone you want. I don't even care.

[A]

August 15th, Little Caesars in Detroit. 16th, Grand Rapids. 23rd, Milwaukee. Oh, Milliwaukee. And then. Oh, never mind. September 6th, Notre Dame Stadium.

[B]

That'd be sick.

[A]

That's gonna be a bomb and a half. It's gonna be so bad. But I'm just gonna be happy to be there.

[B]

That'll be tight.

[A]

It'll be really uncomfortable.

[B]

But that's actually. Yeah, it's. Now that you say that, that's actually amazing to perform at the stadium. You're gonna wear pat. You should wear pads, bro.

[A]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna be at Notre Dame this weekend or tomorrow? I go to Notre Dame tomorrow. Oh, yeah, yeah. Strap the pads on. Line them up.

[B]

Are you sure? Wearing for your set. If you came out in pads, dude. And slowly took them off.

[A]

Took the pads off. Just. Just wore football pants. Sleeve. Sleeveless. Under armor.

[B]

Put a locker room bench on stage and just sit on it every now and again, guys.

[A]

Dude, this is what it's all about. The house built. All right. Go see our shows. August 16th in whatever you want, Atlantic City. Check it out.

[B]

Dude. I went to a bar this weekend. It was. Might have been the freakiest bar I've ever seen in my life.

[A]

Where was.

[B]

Was in Austin. It was like in East 6th Street. And I did that birthday party for our friends. 5K in the morning. Second place.

[A]

Oh, man, I forgot about that.

[B]

Second place. Second place.

[A]

We had a show on Friday. And he was like, I forgot. I have this birthday party at 8am a 5k. I like the birthday party.

[B]

I liked it because I'm up anyway. At seven o'. Clock.

[A]

I hear you, but who's doing that? Why are you doing that?

[B]

You're up, bro.

[A]

Why are you doing.

[B]

My 40th is going up January. It's gonna be chilly. We're gonna do a 10k. No 10k.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And I'm gonna. Well, I had. I didn't know the route, so I had to just follow. I was just following the pack.

[A]

Did you beat the birthday boy?

[B]

I did last second. I sprinted ahead of him.

[A]

You have to.

[B]

I wanted gold.

[A]

I didn't got the gold.

[B]

I thought, we're doing a full 3.2 mile. It was. It ended up being like a 2.8, 2.9. So I didn't even know where the finish.

[A]

Oh, that's nothing. At 8am on a Saturday. I would have crushed it.

[B]

Easy, bro. It was like 8, 48, 40 mile AM, bro. I wanted gold so bad. You know what's weird? I've been running at the track.

[A]

You guys went to a freaky bar after.

[B]

Well, then it was. That was classic.

[A]

Classic running club.

[B]

Oh, yeah, freaky bar. Dude. I went to the bar and it.

[A]

Was fully ingratiated into the Austin community.

[B]

Not I gotta do. This was a gentleman's running club.

[A]

Then freak.

[B]

Freak, y' all little freak off, bro. Dude, this bar, the tips, the tips were. It was like 20, 25. And then there was 69. You could tip the bartenders every time. It got me. I'd be like, oh.

[A]

What were people wearing during the run? Were the fellas popping the tops off for you?

[B]

No, it was pretty. It was shirts.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

People were rocking shirts.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

I will say it's in defense of running shirtless, it's so much better.

[A]

Did the babes show out?

[B]

The babes were there at the finish line.

[A]

Oh, it was just a guy's 5k.

[B]

Yeah. The girls ran with the kids, so the girls did like a one miler with it.

[A]

That would have been so embarrassing. I would have gone with the kids. I would have been walking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You take a shortcut. No one.

[A]

I would pop my shirt off and walk with the kids. You're gonna live to the movie. Walk with the kids shirtless.

[B]

You should have shot. Put it. The kids just. It was sick. I've been, like, praying for that scenario to, like, sprint in front of all the wives, and I finally got to do it.

[A]

But yeah, you get to show them, show them your power. You're coming from a place of abundance. Athletic abundance.

[B]

Yeah. Just being like, bro. Just, just. I just want you guys.

[A]

You should probably, like, fake laugh as loud as you could to show them that you're having a good time while you're sprinting.

[B]

Yeah, I, I, I was, I wasn't salty, but I was like, I wanted to run. I feel like I could have got first if we did the three full 3.2. I don't want to, like, ruin the birthday vibes.

[A]

Say it's your birthday.

[B]

Why the didn't we go full?

[A]

Just say your birthday is next week. Go. It's five miles. Just me versus one guy. Only invite one guy. Just do a 40 yard dash.

[B]

I'm just going to invite everyone's wives and be like, oh, I, I didn't tell you I ran a race by myself.

[A]

You just put tickets on sale and get a crowd and don't tell them. Just go, this place is packed. Oh, this is crazy.

[B]

That'd be kind of nice. It was fun. It was a. It was a fun way to start, but, yeah, it was. We ended up in a freaky ass bar. It was kind of. It was a little wild. Very freaky place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, it was. It was just weird, man. I haven't been out like that in a while.

[A]

Were people crushing McLobes? What were they crushing? That's a runner's club.

[B]

Cocktails Delight. Cocktails.

[A]

All right.

[B]

The bartender gave us like. He's like, you know, I'm gonna give you some shots. It was just literally like, it was just juice with like a little bit. But people kept thinking that I was buying shots for this. Hope I Wasn't. They're like, oh, man, I'll get. I was like, dude, someone's giving these to me.

[A]

They thought, you're buying a bar.

[B]

I thought I was in a gay bar the whole time. I was like, I went to the.

[A]

Dude, I'm like, yo, it was a freaky gay bar.

[B]

I thought it was because one of the.

[A]

You went to a running club and then a freaky ass gay bar.

[B]

I thought it was a gay bar. He was like, it's not a gay bar.

[A]

The roids have gone to your head crazy. No, I crazy on the road.

[B]

So I went to this bar. You tell me. So I go to a bar. One of the drinks itself was called, like the Twitchy Twinkle. That's what I thought. And then, dude, I'm ordering a drink for me and Brittany and a guy goes like, how's it going? And I'm like, okay. The guy's being. I'm in a gay bar. And I told the party I was with him, like, this is a gay bar. And like, it's not a gay bar. I was like, a dude just talked to me. This is definitely a gay bar. And they're like, no, it's not a gay bar. But. But then someone I was with got kind of pressed by a lady. It was like intense.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. This lady just like walked up to him and just stared at him. And then. And I was like, I thought. I was like, I thought you knew her. And he was like, no. I was like, what kind of freaky ass place are we in?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then she walked back with a dude and locked eyes with him again. I was trying to tell him. I'm like, bro, you might have to bull out.

[A]

She's a single man.

[B]

No, hell no.

[A]

He was a married man.

[B]

Yeah. Which is sick.

[A]

Maybe she was Chinese. Maybe the. Her husband was a Chinese. He was like, this is a nice bar. Why don't you drain your sack in.

[B]

My wife drink a couple twitchy twinks. I swear to God, there was. It was the freakiest place I've ever been to in my life. I mean, it might just be me. My. My sexual vibes are crazy.

[A]

You're probably so.

[B]

It's insane, dude.

[A]

You're probably so.

[B]

I finally. Finally.

[A]

What the is this? All the guys are trying to me.

[B]

Everyone wants to 69%. Yeah. I was. I was getting hoard just hitting the 69 on the little thing.

[A]

I was like, oh, she knows.

[B]

Finally got blessed that night. I got blessed.

[A]

That's good. I got for the 5k. You gotta get blessed.

[B]

5K and I. It was also a drunk wife action.

[A]

Drunk wife action. Drunk wife action, bro, is the best. Yeah. Freaky ass. It's the best. Yeah.

[B]

She. Yeah, it was nice. So I, you know, I don't want to get graphic, but I am gonna. I just want to paint the picture for the benefits, dude, of. Of, you know, my new lifestyle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My austere lifestyle, bro. I could have went again, sort of. God, you're out of control. I could have ran it back.

[A]

Why didn't you?

[B]

I tried.

[A]

Oh, damn. Got stuffed on the two point conversion.

[B]

It would have been a high pregnancy risk, though, because she. She was like. It was that time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I. I mean, I caught the. I mean, it was like the planet's fully turned to.

[A]

On the cp.

[B]

It was two.

[A]

It was.

[B]

It was ovulate. Full ovulation. Drunk wife. Which is the best.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was coming off of. I claim it was a 14 day retention. My wife's like, you're so dramatic. It was maybe like seven. I'm like, bro, it was four. I wanted. I want to start dotting the calendar so I have proof. You should, because I swear to God.

[A]

It was 14 point. Why not? What's holding you back at this point? You should have it in your family's kitchen.

[B]

I. That's the calendar I'm talking about.

[A]

Well, that's absurd.

[B]

You can't Just a tiny dot.

[A]

You literally can't do that.

[B]

Yes, I can't. You can't just a tiny.

[A]

Kids, bro.

[B]

They don't know what it is.

[A]

Someday they will.

[B]

Just a tiny.

[A]

Someday they're gonna see this episode and go, that's what those dots were. Ew.

[B]

Or they'll be dead.

[A]

You're gonna be dead by. You're gonna have a roid rage on the highway. You're gonna jump in front of a car and go, stop. Yeah, dude, you can't put no gum dots on your family calendar. Just daddy's dots, dude. Just disgusting one.

[B]

Just a tiny flicker.

[A]

If I found out my daddy was putting dots on the counter.

[B]

Oh, it's like, you don't care that I'm being gaslit. Potentially, I'm being gaslit.

[A]

Keep the calendar. It's somewhere private.

[B]

I want my wife to see it.

[A]

Show her. Keep it in your bedroom.

[B]

No, because. Yeah, true. I should get my own special calendar of, like, motorcycle babes and put it all. Yes. I might start hanging up, like, study Hard posters in my room.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Like horny college dorm posts.

[A]

You should. That'd be awesome.

[B]

I could start with like a tasteful kind of like artwork of like a new lady.

[A]

And then those two girls kissing. You remember that one? That was like a famous. It was in every college dorm. It was two hot chicks in bed.

[B]

Oh, yes. Yes. I know exactly what you're talking about.

[A]

It was. It was too much.

[B]

I might get some, like, Afrocentric erotica and just, like, put it up, like. And it's like. I think it's a school.

[A]

It's beautiful art.

[B]

It's beautiful art. And then slowly start stepping it down. Like, this is more like pop arts collage I made myself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With a couple things.

[A]

Cut them out. Me and the kids sat down and did arts and crafts and cut out babes.

[B]

Start a babe collage. You know, like grade school women. Put, like, all the honks.

[A]

You should just put. Get a hunk collage.

[B]

A hunk Collage.

[A]

Collage would be sick. I might make yourself in it. Like you and Robert Pattinson and Timothy Chavez. Hulk collage is sick, bro.

[B]

I might make my wife a hunk collage.

[A]

Tell somebody boys in it too. Just get the cool hunks and then toss all of us.

[B]

I'll get the best pictures of all of us. Dude. It'll be like. And we'll. We'll, like. It'll make Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club, man. Dude, hitting your wife with like a, you know, like a retro, like a cork board hunk for their birthday. Then. Yeah, just like. And like, I'll get into good shape so I can take like, pictures of myself as well. I might just go full boudoir. Do like a one on one boudoir section and give it to my boudoir session. Give it to my wife would be nice.

[A]

I'd. I'd be so happy if I found.

[B]

Out you did that boudoir.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, it would probably end our.

[B]

Relationship, but if I did a boudoir.

[A]

Photoshoot, I'd be furious.

[B]

Why? That would be so now.

[A]

If you did it to be funny. Yes. That's obviously great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just you in a. What are those called? Like, what's the thing that tightens your corset? Corset. But just dicking nuts out.

[B]

That'd be nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They make men's shapewear, by the way.

[A]

I might have to get into that.

[B]

Yeah. Get some men's shapewear. Just like pop the size in. I'm. I'm on a mission now to get shredded, by the way.

[A]

Just get giant knockers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of everything sticking out.

[B]

Dude, I got. I was. I was confident in my Body recently. And my. My youngest daughter came up to me. She made a like a play doh ball. And she's like, here, dad, it's for you. And I was like, thanks. She's like, yeah, it's fat like you are. And I was like, all right.

[A]

I had to just be like, all right, hit her.

[B]

Well, I was like, yeah, now we.

[A]

Now we talk.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

You should have shot the legs immediately.

[B]

I was like, well, actually I'm doing more performance based goals. I don't care about aesthetics right now. And then I was like, I was shirtless in front of a mirror. I was telling it to Brittany and she like laughed and smacked my ass. And it like, dude, in my ass. My side shook. And then my belt. It all like went all the way up to the top. And I was like, I need to lose £10. This is.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

She hit a chain reaction jiggle. Then she commented on. She goes, oh, my God, man, I got it moving. I was like, all right. It's being devastated this house. Girl.

[A]

You're in girl world. I was raised in the darkness. I was born in the darkness. You gotta just plow through it, dude. You gotta go. I don't give a you.

[B]

That's what I'm saying, man.

[A]

You lady.

[B]

Yeah, let's race, dude. Let's. I'll race my whole family.

[A]

I'll smash, you fight. Right now.

[B]

I'm definitely doing the dots on the calendar now that I think about it.

[A]

Yeah, true. I didn't know the kids were talking too. Yeah, it's dot time.

[B]

Dots.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, Daddy's dots.

[B]

I'll have my. Can you put a dot on there for daddy real quick?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

All I'm saying is the last time. That way I can, like, she, like, you're. You're being dramatic. I could walk downstairs, take a picture.

[A]

And say, here, July 14th. Yes, it was my last chrome.

[B]

That was my last one. Try to beg for the bat. The back to back would have been nice.

[A]

Would have been awesome.

[B]

It was tight.

[A]

You feel really good about yourself when you hit a. When you turn two like that. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I. I haven't done that in forever now. But here's the thing. I know there was no guarantee I could have obviously lost it as soon as I could have lost my helium as soon as I put it in there.

[A]

But sometimes you lose your helium.

[B]

Honest attempt.

[A]

Sometimes you go for it. You go stuff to the one dude. That happens. That's good though. Now you got field position.

[B]

True.

[A]

Now they're going to Play out of the back of the end zone. We got. Come on.

[B]

True. But yeah, dude, I'm telling you, it's. I. I hit the. I hit the rocks, man. What do you got? You guys have an issue. I'm in a really vulnerable place right now. You guys whispering is not helping me.

[A]

Well, what were you whispering about? Oh, you guys are busy talking about your show tonight. What's going on with your big show?

[B]

No, I.

[A]

Like, why can't we talk about it? Oh, is there something negative happening with.

[B]

Every time I check in with you guys, you're like talking on someone.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I had to have a chat with the boys.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Yeah, we were drinking.

[B]

Really? Had to get fellas held the council.

[A]

You guys gotta stop with this negativity.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

Just do it.

[B]

True.

[A]

But, you know, who am I to judge? I like. Okay, gay. All right, just edit it out and tell me.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wow, Wes. That happens. And we're back.

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

It was a slightly gay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Slightly gay. You guys are sensitive. Could have waited till I got fired up. You guys are fighting for your lives down here. Was it. Was it like that in Philly? No. You guys weren't so aggressive back then. No, I was. I was in Philly. Yeah, I remember you in Philly. You turned into a little nasty there. I get. I'd get wind of it. You'd be at helium. Like, I'm the best. I'll bury anybody here. I've been very nice down here. Yeah, you can't do that.

[B]

Well, you guys were. You guys were seniors in high school. Now you're college freshman.

[A]

Yeah. Now you're 40 year old freshman. It's just growing pains, dude. You guys will be all right.

[B]

I can't talk. I've been bombing. I've been chucking up eggs, dude. At open mics.

[A]

You got.

[B]

She's all part of the process.

[A]

It is. And that's the. That's the hardest part. I'm not good at that.

[B]

I can take, bro. I can. I can bomb and just hit the road, whistle and just be like, all right, Yeah, I did it. I mean, it didn't feel great last night. I was like, yeah, it was. It's not the best in the world. Especially when you're like. When you like, literally just Your mind falls apart and you're like, oh, yeah, I stink right now. I was like, they're about to get hit with a real pro. It's about to change the tone of this. 12 people in the room and it just instantly come out. And be like, I've been depressed for two weeks and I don't know, guys, I'm sorry. I don't know why I started like that.

[A]

12 people in the room is a guaranteed. It's gonna a bad show.

[B]

I know. It was. It was bad, but still I wanted to hold frame. I was not coming from a place of abundance.

[A]

Yeah, I think you bragged about your abundance. Isn't that.

[B]

I did, Yeah. I said I was depressed and I was like, yeah, I'm too loaded to be depressed, dude. People like, yeah, I hate you more now.

[A]

And I was like, yeah, I'm depressed, but I'm. I'm so rich. All right, kill him. Give him still.

[B]

I thought it be funny.

[A]

It is funny.

[B]

I thought it was funny. To me, it's funny. I laughed. I was on the bird scoot on the way home. I was like, that was funny.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

Dude, I was, I was on the scooter today catching air on Airport Boulevard. It was crazy. I got a new ramp. There's a new ramp on Airport Boulevard.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I was on the way to the gym. There's a new ramp. I was catching. I was like, just praying to God, I'm like, please let someone I know see me ramping on Airport Boulevard. That's all I want.

[A]

How much air do you think you caught?

[B]

That's a lot on a lime. Not bad. Yeah, it wasn't bad.

[A]

It was a heavy. That's a heavy.

[B]

I surprised myself. I can kind of bunny hop them, if I'm being honest. But getting a little ramp like full speed downhill was. Felt good.

[A]

Felt good, dude.

[B]

Also too in the. I'll say. There's an. I've been noticing a new evolution at the gym. So you know there are tortoise, right? Yeah, I've, I've, I've. It's pretty rare, but I've seen some tortas are going towards the weights and they're. There might be a new form. Yeah, it's a blastoise. When the tortoise. The tortoise have been getting jacked, dude. And evolving into blastoises. It's kind of nice.

[A]

I've seen some blastoise. I know a couple blastoise. I've followed their Instagram. I've watched them transform into full blastoise.

[B]

It's nice, man. Yeah, yeah, it's a good move.

[A]

I, I've noticed women getting into like bodybuilding.

[B]

Yes. They call it like bikini model.

[A]

Yeah, you've seen that on. You ever follow an IG lady that changed your life?

[B]

I knew Someone in real life who did this a while back, they became like a female. It's not like a full bodybuilder.

[A]

Shredded.

[B]

They get shredded and then they do.

[A]

Blackface for the competition like the guys do. It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, it's pretty wild. They get trumped up.

[A]

I guess when you do blackface like that, it shows your muscles more.

[B]

It does, for sure.

[A]

For real? Yeah. You black body out. Yeah, it shows your muscles more.

[B]

That's all it is.

[A]

That's why I did. You guys can't tell I'm jacked.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm just too pale.

[B]

Those competitions, too, like, they. A lot of those guys get naked for the spray tan.

[A]

For sure. Yeah.

[B]

It's like the bodybuilding competitions. You go back and you just bust out dong, and a lady just sprays you down. It's pretty crazy.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

The bodybuilding world is definitely one of the most wild things. Like, it's up.

[A]

It's a wild group of people. It's a wild group of bros. Yeah.

[B]

But I would you.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I feel like I would still. Like, I'd be like, you can just hit my legs. I'm not showing.

[A]

Yeah, just have a pale patch. Right. My bikini just pubes.

[B]

Pop it out. But yeah, the. The female fitness model thing is. Is kind of weird.

[A]

Do any bodybuilders not do the tan? It'd be nice to hit it with just full pale. You.

[B]

Yeah, no, I think they all hit the spray tan. And I guess if you're like a black bodybuilder, you just oil up big time. Hit the baby oil. So I think there's something about. You want to get, like, glistening. You want to get, like, wet and glistening looking.

[A]

It's weird.

[B]

You're trying to win the competition.

[A]

I know. What do they win?

[B]

Like, protein powder. You win for real, like a trophy and you. Yeah, you win, like a protein powder. Might be like, we'll sponsor you.

[A]

It is nice to have that trophy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Be awesome. Most jacked dude in the region.

[B]

Yeah. It's fucking sick.

[A]

I think bodybuilding is gay. Bodybuilding might be gay.

[B]

Everyone thinks it's gay.

[A]

Yeah, it's like super gay.

[B]

I mean, tell that to Lou Ferrigno, bro. Arnold Lou Ferrigno.

[A]

Ronnie Coleman is Ronnie Coleman the black dude?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Ronnie Coleman.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't make me talk bad about Ronnie Coleman.

[B]

Well, you just called him gay.

[A]

You called him gay. Well, yeah, that's not bad. I'm telling you, the nasty, nasty little. Look at you, throwing your boys under the bus. Not me. Nasty.

[B]

I'm Zandini.

[A]

No, you're not. Zandini talks crazy. No, I am talks crazy. Especially after my mother left. I am embarrassed.

[B]

What?

[A]

You embarrassed?

[B]

I don't feel Italian.

[A]

And then my mother comes around, and.

[B]

I just love her so much, and it's embarrassing.

[A]

Yeah, that's so crazy. It's the most Italian. Yeah, you're definitely not Irish. You bring your mom around, you go, oh, my God, I miss my mother.

[B]

I love my mommy.

[A]

Yeah. But I don't want to hang out with her. Yeah, I guess I love her, but.

[B]

Yeah, we don't have a lot of comments.

[A]

We don't really have good conversations.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I just see. I just see in her house.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I like to talk to my mommy.

[A]

Guard dog was trying to bring her to the bar with us.

[B]

No, I was just busting your chops.

[A]

I think you were feeling it out a little.

[B]

I did.

[A]

I did not. What do you think? Like, he was filling it out. Oh, that's not true. I wouldn't do that. It settled.

[B]

You could bring mommy. I did have the plumbing issue where I almost had.

[A]

My house was almost filled with girl poop for a moment. What? All the women in his life were dumping his house, and they were probably.

[B]

Saving it for your house. Yeah, we went to Terry Black.

[A]

So they got all the way from Jersey. They brought that. They brought that down south. That was an airdrop. Yeah.

[B]

A nice Jersey girl.

[A]

Jersey dump.

[B]

Nice sub for the Jersey sub. Yeah.

[A]

Hoagies.

[B]

Dang. So they were dumping out in your house? Big time. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Remember, my mom collapsed this. It's the funniest thing in the world.

[B]

My poops. Yeah. I still hold it down. Girl dumps are horrific. Unbelievable how bad they are. We had to go somewhere else so they could all defecate. Huh. We had to go someplace to the.

[A]

YMCA to drop dunks. We went to the bar so they could poop. You went to the bar to take dumps?

[B]

Yeah, there's one, like, right around the corner from my house. Damn. Damn.

[A]

You had to load up the car and go, all right, everybody. Wait till everybody has to, and then we'll go. Yes, that's exactly what I did. I mean, that's kind of how we do it. Yeah. Get to the bar. You go, oh, I forgot the.

[B]

Was it a. Was there, too. Could they go, like, side by side or. They have to wait. There's a few bathrooms. So they all just went at once?

[A]

No way.

[B]

Did you.

[A]

They all went at once.

[B]

I think, like, they were all holding it, and they all, like, embarrassingly were like, we all have to poop, like, one by one.

[A]

So I was like, all right, we could go someplace.

[B]

Yeah, we can. We can hit this. And you said you should have monitored the bathroom and let them know if the smell levels are getting. Too bad I didn't do that. All right, guys, flush it. Come on, flush it. Oh, but Johnny Reuter saves me. Shout out to Johnny Rooter.

[A]

Plumbing.

[B]

Nice. Love you 24 7. Plumbing. That's nice.

[A]

It's really funny when the family. We used to race after. After church.

[B]

Oh, God. Yeah.

[A]

The after church, race to the toilet as the whole family.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Of big dogs just rumbling to the toilet.

[B]

Me and my brothers used to race to the turlet after church, but for different reasons.

[A]

Nefarious reasons to get rid of that dot. There are no dots on the calendar in the McCusker house.

[B]

Nikki Secret catalog will come into the house, and it would just be tribal warfare the whole time. Dude, where is it? Dude, you. Yeah, just. First one gets it. It would. I mean, this is graphic, but first one get it would glaze it right away. It would just be fun. It would just be stuck.

[A]

Just. Christ, dude, that's so up.

[B]

It was crazy. I could. I. When I was a little boy, I had to spray the magazine. Everything. I couldn't not do it. Like, when I was a little kid, I was just like.

[A]

I sprayed a Maxim once. Felt real weird about it.

[B]

I loved it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would spray it, wipe it off and just fold it up and, like, put it in a juror and be like, all right, those.

[A]

This is my little secret.

[B]

Those pages are done. I would just work my way through. Yeah. It's kind of fun.

[A]

Tear the page out.

[B]

It's kind of up.

[A]

Flush it. You have to destroy it. Yeah.

[B]

Put it right back together.

[A]

Thing weighs 10 pounds. Just.

[B]

Men in big white suits would have.

[A]

To come take it away.

[B]

Dang, dude. Yeah. The race back from church was nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Dumping.

[A]

I told you. They used to make me run, right? No, my family. It was a fun game we had. They would make me get out of the car at the. The entrance to my neighborhood and race the car home.

[B]

Oh, that's awesome.

[A]

Yeah. I thought I was fast as I would fall every single time I'd hit a curb. Every single time. They thought it was the funniest. It must have been so funny.

[B]

It's hilarious.

[A]

See me sprint home from church just in, like a. Like, khakis.

[B]

Yeah. Striped polo shirt and khak falling. It's so funny. Oh, were they keeping. They were keeping the car.

[A]

Kind of like, keeping the car exactly my speed and, like, speeding up. So I'd be like, yeah, it's good.

[B]

That is such a funny thing to do, to be like, dude, I'll be.

[A]

Faster than the car. This is crazy.

[B]

Oh, that's awesome.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Weekly tradition as a kid, I. I had up until, like, high school, I had the most outlandish sense of confidence about so many different things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That slowly just got to be like, oh, all right. God damn it.

[A]

I'm not fast at all.

[B]

I'm not that strong.

[A]

Being fast was such a flex. Damn, you're a kid.

[B]

Yeah. It's funny hyping, like. Especially boys being like, damn, bro, you're fast as hell. They'll instantly be like, you think so?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Take off.

[A]

Show you.

[B]

Yeah, it's so like, oh, my God, dude.

[A]

Yeah. Now, though, it's kind of. I think it's embarrassing to be fast.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Just like, a fast guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you fast for?

[B]

I mean.

[A]

No, not coming to you. I know you're flying.

[B]

I want to make sure I don't know what side I fall in this. If I were to do, like, a 115, 400 this morning, like, would I be.

[A]

If you ran a115,400? I'm not talking fast, like, I'm not talking distance here. Talk about Just a dude that's, you know, working in an office and fast as hell.

[B]

I know.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

I see him every morning. There's dudes.

[A]

I watched some track yesterday.

[B]

Did you really?

[A]

I watched some track and field.

[B]

What? Who was wrong?

[A]

It was a u. S. Qualifiers. Some high school kid got top three. He was 16 years old. He ran like. I forget what it was like. He ran the 800. It was insane how fast he was. Saw that. Yeah.

[B]

I saw those handicap swimmers, man. They were fast as. Dude, they were, dude, 50 meters, doing. I think they're doing, like, 22 seconds. 50 meters, 22 seconds. It's crazy.

[A]

They didn't seem too handicapped. They were flying, dude. Yeah, I didn't see any. I didn't really see a lot of missing things.

[B]

I. I think their legs were up. I think they were all arms.

[A]

There was a couple guys that were all arms.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's one guy without arms.

[B]

What?

[A]

Dolphins underwater.

[B]

It's crazy. Yeah.

[A]

Mermaids out the whole way.

[B]

Yo. That's crazy. I didn't know that.

[A]

Yeah. Who are you guys looking at? You guys are talking speed and made me think of this guy, he's just. He just grabs things as fast as.

[B]

He's the man.

[A]

He's the man. Yeah.

[B]

Now you. You see, like, the serious runners at the track, and they're like. They're freaks, dude. There I. I did the 400, gave it my all. And there was a guy who was just doing that pace, just non stop around the track. Yeah. Just like, bro, I don't. I don't know how you do that. Although he was ripped. I'm fat as hell, so.

[A]

Matt, come on, man. You've got a perfect bod right now.

[B]

I thought I did. I thought I did.

[A]

Matt, your bod's rocking.

[B]

I thought my bod was rocking, but.

[A]

It'S your bot's rocking, dude, don't let those little get in your head, dude. They're killing your daughter's skin. Your head.

[B]

I was just.

[A]

I was learning. They're learning the ways of the woman.

[B]

Oh, they're killing. Dude, crush me. And also now Chloe, if I drop anything, she goes, that's awesome, because she's heard me say it so many times. So I won't even say it. I'll drop something. Just.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

It's so fun.

[A]

Yeah. When little kids swear, it's so.

[B]

Especially when they know, like, the right context.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I have to like. I'll be like. I'm like, dude, you're good. Don't. You don't have to do that. You're like, okay.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So nice.

[A]

Anytime I call my sister, she's on speakerphone and the kids are in the car, and I never know. So I'm like, this guy, the kids, immediately, you hear Anthony, like, okay. You're like, hey.

[B]

You don't say that.

[A]

You hear him laughing. You're like, damn.

[B]

Yeah. The key is they're not freak. You're like, okay. Or if you. If you, like, calmly or go, yeah, that's a really bad word. They're like, what? No, I didn't know that.

[A]

That's serious stuff.

[B]

That's a bad word.

[A]

They're gonna get you.

[B]

And they're scared of the police. You had kids was like, yeah, the police could come get you.

[A]

I remember. I remember the fear of the police prank called 911 once from the park, and a cop showed up, just ran through a field crying.

[B]

Yeah. Brittany would be like, I don't want them to be afraid of the police. I'm like, dude, I'm sorry, but I'm definitely gonna use this on them every time. Yeah, that's fine. I'll just call the Police officers. They're like, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I told you. Maya found out I had gone. I'd gotten arrested before. She was talking about, like, cops getting bad guys. And I was just like, you know, I got arrested once. She was like, what?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What happened? I was like, I was just being bad.

[A]

It's being a bad guy.

[B]

She's like, it was. It was actually really sweet. She was like, it's okay. I love you. Even though you got arrested by the police, I was like, thank you, man.

[A]

That's really nice.

[B]

She thinks if you get a. She thinks you're, like, a monster. She really thinks cops are out there getting, like. Like, you know, people from, like, TV shows who are, like, trying to, like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Decimate cities.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So whenever, like, someone's pulled over, she's.

[A]

Like, that guy was trying to blow up Austin.

[B]

Yeah. For real.

[A]

That guy.

[B]

She's like, oh, my God.

[A]

Nuclear bomb in his car.

[B]

I think there's, like, a surreal, like, super villain.

[A]

I can't judge. I think that I see someone getting pulled over. I'm like, drugs. Drugs in the trunk. There could be a shootout right now if there's more than one cop car. I'm like, this is serious.

[B]

Apparently, they have to do that. They're, like, supposed to have someone else. When they were like, yeah, yeah, we have anything better to do? It's like, they need another guy there. Yeah, apparently so.

[A]

Yeah. That happens every time. I think that happened to us in South Carolina. It happens all the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They pull up, one guy gets you, and then another car comes. You're like, oh, great, fellas. You guys are really bringing out the whole force for this. It was jaywalking, huh?

[B]

It was nice when the older cops gave the young cop hell. When I was like, oh, nice. You got some jaywalkers. Nice work, guys.

[A]

Yeah. That was awesome. Yeah, that ruled.

[B]

Yeah. Being a cop.

[A]

A great night.

[B]

I came.

[A]

That was a. I remember being just drunk enough to talk to the cops.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

I thought for sure I was so stoned. And you can't. You were. You weren't even talking. You're just laughing at the guy to his face. Yeah.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

He'd be like, you gotta do this. And he'd be like, bad. I was like, come on, Please don't let us get arrested. I don't want to get arrested. Yeah. Guy, he was.

[A]

He was a dork.

[B]

He stunk, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Young cops are for real. The worst. The young gung ho out of the.

[A]

Academy, like, sped up to try to, like, almost Hit us.

[B]

Yeah, it was kind of so far away. I was across the street.

[A]

Yeah, well, I was moving a little slow. My church days.

[B]

No, no, I. You were ahead of me. I waited. You. You ran across and I waited and I saw the cops get you. And I was like, I just gotta go over there. Maybe I can smooth it out. I did like wizard pipe this big in my pocket. And he was like. And I was like. I thought I was gonna buy. I was gonna buy like honesty points. And I was like. It was like a 20 year old cop. I was like, I just want to be honest here. I do have a pipe on me. Giant, very ornate thing. I feel like you gave. Didn't give it back. I feel like he gave it back.

[A]

I think he may have.

[B]

I think he gave me.

[A]

That was all the. The veteran.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That showed up and was like, dude, what are you doing?

[B]

He definitely didn't smash it.

[A]

I remembered he was being real serious.

[B]

Oh, he was such a. About it. Do you have any weed on you? I said, no, sir.

[A]

No smoked at all. Chiefed it. How nice were the nugs?

[B]

Oh, yeah, great trip.

[A]

Hotel pools.

[B]

So fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That was all driving too.

[A]

Yeah, it was a good time.

[B]

Nothing but driving. That was nice as a feature. You brought your own support. Crazy, bro.

[A]

Crazy move. Yeah. They never worked with me again. And then we just echoed the headliner. It was a real move.

[B]

No, that was warranted, man.

[A]

He was. Yeah, he was being a. But if I were him, I'd. I would have. I'd have been so sad if the featured brought a host and they were mean to me.

[B]

I was making fun. Two weeks we stayed in the same place. Yeah, I remember. I do remember at one point I was getting. I was getting assy toward the guy and it was. Yeah, it was just too hard not to.

[A]

Yeah, it was dork.

[B]

It was a huge.

[A]

There's blood in the water and we were abusing substances.

[B]

Just in the comedy. Shut the up. Yeah, that's. Dude, that's the. That was the Dave Smith debate. It was for real. A pure bullet.

[A]

Right.

[B]

There's a bully sesh. He just bullied the guy the whole. He like laughed in his face. Bullied him. The guy was being ridiculous, but just. It was like. It was rough just watching it. It was like a pure. I mean, it was literally like a. Like a New York Times nerd.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who just couldn't. He couldn't have. He couldn't come up with like any cool comebacks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was just Dave Smith, who's.

[A]

Been Type of guy you really want to punch in the belly in the.

[B]

Oh, yeah, dude. The New York Times guy. Especially when he hit finally to go, because he'd be like. At first he was like, play the video. They play. He plays a video from 10 years ago. Gets literally. Dave laughs in his face. It's like, you are a loser. And the guy doubles down. He goes, play it again. He's like, why would he play against. Just play it again. And it was. It was. Dude, it was rough, man. It was so bad. Then eventually he took the bait and he goes, you're just a little man. A little man from Brooklyn, and I'm not afraid of you.

[A]

Oh, I'm not afraid of you.

[B]

I'm not afraid of you. Wow. They've hit him with tough talk. He hit him with, like, the tough guy zoom being. Oh, you're pretty tough on Zoom, aren't you? Because you're a little man. And Dave stunned him with the Moab. And he's go. You can tell it hit him too, man. He. For real.

[A]

It does hit you. Oh, if somebody genuinely hits you with the. The Moab dude, it hurts.

[B]

A Zoom Moab.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow. And you can tell, like, he was.

[A]

Sitting back with his wife in bed.

[B]

After just getting in the Zoom go.

[A]

I'll tell you, the guy called me. Oh, I caught him a little.

[B]

I called him a scared little man. By the way, when you say scared little man, I hate to break it to you. What you're essentially calling somebody is the Moab. Yeah, they're dancing around it.

[A]

They dance around.

[B]

You're a scared little man in a pink sweater.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Kind of funny. And you kiss guys.

[B]

You're calling someone gay. If you're going a little man, you're a effeminate little man. Yeah, that was. I highly recommend watching that. It's very, very.

[A]

Give it a watch. That sounds great.

[B]

We should give it a watch in between. Yeah, very funny. Yeah.

[A]

Switch over. Let's watch it now and then switch to the page.

[B]

Let's do it. It.