Ep 573 - Angry Jets

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Episode 573: Angry Jets

Airdate: August 21, 2025
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guests: Sean Gardini, O'Brien, Beezer, others

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Episode Overview

The "Angry Jets" episode is a quintessential Matt and Shane outing: freewheeling, unpredictable, riff-laden, and anchored in the rhythms of real-life stories and offbeat insights. The guys swap tales from the road and home, nerd out over video games, debate domestic travails, dish out takes on masculinity, parenting, and society, and of course, break into hilarious tangents about current events, pop culture, and their own upbringing. High-energy banter alternates with moments of unexpected profundity and classic one-liners, all while keeping things distinctly "Matt and Shane."

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Matt's Beach Race & Bro Solidarity

Timestamps: 00:00-01:41; 35:55–39:34

• Sean Gardini opens by announcing to audio listeners that he’s playing footage from Matt’s sand race against his cousin Hoss at the Jersey Shore. Matt eked out a win, finishing a mile in the sand at 7:30, with Hoss right behind (00:13).
• Matt describes in detail the physical challenge and mental mind games involved in the race, emphasizing the toll of running in soft sand and the flex of carrying his daughter Chloe across the finish (35:55–37:20).
  • Matt: "It was the hardest kind of race I've ever done... just running in sand." (37:58)
  • Shane: "The flex of a guy holding his child crossing the finish line..." (37:04)
• Afterward, Matt and Shane riff on the psycho-competitive spirit present even in friendly family events and acknowledge the weird looks they got from bystanders witnessing two grown men hammering through the sand.

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2. Console Wars & PlayStation vs. Xbox

Timestamps: 01:42–06:47

• The crew react to the supposed "end of the console war," joking about "the black nerds" breaking the story (01:42).
  • Shane: "Dude. The console war is over. The black nerds have broken the story." (01:42)
• They banter about whether Halo (Xbox) and Spider-Man (PlayStation) crossover means a true truce and debate which franchise “won” the cultural battle.
• Spider-Man game mechanics get compared with GTA, with Beezer and O’Brien selling the thrill of swinging through the city.
• The group reflects on stoned bro video game sessions, dynasty modes, and a dinosaur game that Matt enthusiastically introduces.
  • Matt: "Just laying up at like 2 in the morning, just being a baby dinosaur and trying to get bigger is... it's a dream." (04:30)

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3. Nostalgic Gaming & Cartoons

Timestamps: 05:10-07:06

• Quick references to childhood games (Toe Jam & Earl, Battletoads), musings on their racial undertones, and speculation about Mario ever crossing to non-Nintendo platforms.
• Loving reminiscences about the original Mario movie—Matt sheepishly confesses to getting sucked into watching the whole film without sound because a stranger on his flight was watching it (05:55).
  • Matt: “I watched no sound Mario movie for a whole flight. It’s like, yo, this is sick." (05:55)

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4. Soapbox Races, Power Wheels, and Dad Life

Timestamps: 09:23–12:58

• The crew dive into the world of Red Bull Soapbox Races, Barbie/Power Wheels downhill races, and the risks/fun of these homemade competitions.
• Matt and Shane swap stories about their kids’ power wheel "driving" escapades and joke about remote controlling their kids’ rides to simulate real-life Mario Kart:
  • Shane: “You can just sit in the lawn chair, have a couple drinks, race kids... We can Mario Kart with actual kids.” (12:31-12:45)

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5. Ad Reads & Real Talk on Wipes & Caffeine

Timestamps: 12:50–16:44

• The hosts deliver comical, irreverent ad reads for Dude Wipes and Shopify, riffing on the language of marketing copy and using it as a springboard for more stories about "blistered" road-trip butts and proper hygiene.
• Conversation shifts to Matt’s newfound obsession with monitoring his caffeine (inspired by a misread Huberman post), which leads to admissions about anxiety spirals, cortisol spikes, and chasing that productive “protocol” feeling.
  • Matt: "I saw like the thumbnail of a Huberman video where he's like, you want to skyrocket your cortisol?...So I was like, he's right. I should drink as much coffee as I can." (14:44)

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6. Relationships, “Angry Jets,” and Domestic Comedy

Timestamps: 16:24–20:04

• The group explores couple dynamics: Matt describes his wife’s “Angry Jets” walk when mad at him (running ahead out of frustration), which gives the episode its title.
  • Shane: "Angry jets is crazy." (17:47)
  • Matt: "Angry Jets is so funny." (17:48)
• They all share strategies (deliberately slowing down, pretending not to notice), and the hilarious emotional choreography of “showing face” in public after a fight.
• The familiar scenario of partners being sweet to strangers or on the phone after a fight is lampooned:
  • Shane: "When you're fighting and they get a phone call, they're like, hey!... Where's that energy towards me?" (19:58)

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7. Road Stories: Sharing Hotel Rooms & Blue-Collar Upbringings

Timestamps: 21:12–24:51

• Gags about the awkwardness of grown men sharing hotel rooms on the road for comedy, including whispered “good nights,” pillow-throwing, and “head-to-toe” twin bed negotiations.
• Matt shares tales of his father’s frugal work trips with motley crews in cheap motels, “walks of hell,” and steak-and-ice-cream benders.
  • Matt: "It's hell... It's being like 27, sharing a shitty way. Walking through sucks." (23:48)
• Laughs about snoring, diet, and generational male bonding through food, heart problems, and recovery are rampant.

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8. Amber Alerts, Family Court, and "Bump" Comedy

Timestamps: 25:15–29:47

• The random interjection of an Amber Alert sparks a tangent on custody battles, family court, deadbeat dads, cocaine tests, and the cyclical nature of “bump city” (cocaine use).
  • Shane: "Let the boy have a bump. Can't even see his kid, dude. Obviously, he's going to do a bump." (27:57)
• Ultimately, they riff on the idea of "meth up the deadbeat fathers" to get them working again—a mix of sharp social commentary and absurdist humor.

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9. Performing, Motivation, and Old Rock Star Tales

Timestamps: 31:31–44:56

• After a round of ads and plugs, Matt relates his inspiration from a John Martyn documentary: a tale of burnout, rebellion, and whiskey-and-egg-fueled decline.
  • Matt: "Give me a freak whiskey and eggs." (44:04)
• The group reflects on the mythos of “doing it your own way” in the arts and life, appreciating a wrecked-but-free spirit.
• Sidenotes about Phil Collins, shambolic live shows, Irish pubs, and the value of camaraderie surface.

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10. Parenting, Weird Kids & Education

Timestamps: 60:50-63:59

• The hosts react to contemporary parenting advice suggesting “making your kids not weird.” Unabashedly, they celebrate weirdness, riffing on childhood nerd archetypes and lamenting dumb/mean nerds.
  • Matt: "It is weird. They're coming out... you need to make them not weird. It's your responsibility... they're all weird as hell." (61:24)
• They swap stories of being model students, academic falls from grace, and the futility of spelling “diarrhea.”

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11. Discipline & "Old School" Parenting

Timestamps: 65:07–69:07

• Reminiscences about disciplinary measures from their dads (the belt, being yelled at for drinking, or getting suspended) morph into darkly funny stories about teenage bravado and attempts to "step" to their fathers.
  • Shane: "By the time I got in high school, it wasn't [violent]... I was like, six-three by then." (67:29)
• They reflect on the hard realities and absurdities of blue-collar family life, physical discipline, and changing generational norms.

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12. Domestic Violence Dynamics & Law Enforcement

Timestamps: 69:10–76:45

• Extended, unflinching conversation about domestic violence, police interventions, the (dis)advantages men and women have in these encounters, and the complications for people with limited conflict resolution models.
  • Matt: "I constantly marvel at how hard the wheels can come off in a home life. And it's not that hard, dude." (71:11)
• They suggest (tongue-in-cheek) legalizing "bouncer protocol" for conflict removal, and joke about panic rooms and safe spaces during couple fights.

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13. Cops, Firefighters, and the Joy of Physical Competition

Timestamps: 76:46–78:19

• The hosts fantasize about community events where civilians outrun cops in full gear or organize flag football games between police and firefighters.
  • Matt: "I still want to do a community day... cops try to catch you with all their gear on... That would be so fun." (77:35)

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14. Commercials, Acting, and the "Trader" Bit

Timestamps: 78:26–79:23

• Shane responds to criticism for wearing Texas gear in a Bud Light commercial ("Christoph Waltz is not actually a Nazi. Sometimes actors take on roles, dude." - 78:34)
• They riff on actors—Matt Damon "sucking a guy's dick" in a movie, gay stunt doubles, and the performative nature of the craft.

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15. Film Recommendations & Creative Ambitions

Timestamps: 80:06–81:59

• Shane and Matt discuss the works of Ari Aster; recommend the film “Eddington” and student film "What's Up With the Johnsons."
• Matt expresses interest in writing and directing a short film, speculates on cost ("Probably 40 GS." - O'Brien at 81:33), and pledges to watch recommended films on his upcoming flight.

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16. War, Technology, and the Changing Face of Conflict

Timestamps: 51:30–59:34

• Brief but sobering analysis of a documentary about a cameraman in Iraq, the ethics of war footage, and the grim realities of combat (David Pearl, night vision, drone warfare).
• The hosts reflect on technological escalation in war (drones, fishing line for drone defense) vs. old-school trench combat, and how odd it is that the basics of violence never change.
  • Shane: "Ukraine, Russia is trench warfare. Just with shitty, like, Walmart drones." (56:31)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Angry jets is crazy." – Shane (17:47)
• "The flex of a guy holding his child crossing the finish line..." – Shane (37:04)
• "Let the boy have a bump. Can't even see his kid, dude. Obviously, he's going to do a bump." – Shane (27:57)
• "Give me a freak whiskey and eggs." – Matt (44:04)
• "If you're in an office not doing meth, what are you doing?" – Shane (29:47)
• "Matthew Damon, like, sucked a guy's dick in a movie." – Matt (79:20)
• "You guys want to hear Trump impression? Give me another Guinness. I'll do a trump impression." – Shane (45:00)
• “I still want to do a community day where like you can have cops try to catch you... That would be so fun.” – Matt (77:35)

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For New Listeners

This episode gives a perfect taste of the show's strengths:

• Unfiltered, quick-witted, and semi-chaotic comedic energy between Matt, Shane, and friends.
• Honest, often crude, explorations of the pitfalls and hilarity of domestic, blue-collar, and creative life.
• Smart, left-field takes on pop culture, masculinity, war, and the absurdities of adulthood.
• A mix of running jokes ("Angry Jets," "bump city," butthole horror), genuine life wisdom, and the warm weirdness of lifelong friendship.

Skip to the following for highlights:

• Sand race story: 00:00–01:41, 35:55–39:34
• Console wars & gaming: 01:42–06:47
• “Angry Jets” relationship bit: 16:24–20:04
• Blue-collar dad stories: 21:12–24:51
• Parenting and weird kids: 60:50–63:59
• Hotel/road stories: 21:12–24:51
• War and documentaries: 51:30–59:34
• Film & TV recs: 80:06–81:59

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Tone & Style

Raunchy, self-deprecating, and brotherly—Matt and Shane mix sharp observational humor with real affection for their families, fans, and each other. The language is direct, the mood swings are rapid, and the result is a uniquely funny, strangely comforting slice of modern American dudehood.

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Closing Thoughts

“Angry Jets” is both a joke about romantic frustration and a metaphor for the furious irrepressibility of life itself: messy, fast, sometimes combative, always moving. The episode pulls listeners into that wild sprint—breathless and laughing, keeping pace.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

Wild, wild west. Look at those fat boys run.

[Sean Gardini]

Hello, this is Sean Gardini. I just wanted to chime in to let the audio listener know that. That I'm currently playing a video of Matt's race with Hoss. So if you'd like to see that, switch over to the video.

[Shane Gillis]

Keep going, Matt. He's catching up.

[Sean Gardini]

Some words of encouragement from Mrs. McCusker. For those of you who don't know, Matt was racing his cousin Hoss this weekend on the Jersey Shore. So this is the footage of that. I think the end is coming now. And Matt wins. So it was a good effort by both of them, but congratulations to Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

He.

[Sean Gardini]

He finished with about a 7 minute 30 second mile on the sand too, by the way. And I think haas was about 20, 15, 20 seconds behind him. So congrats to both competitors and congrats to Matt for winning the race.

[Shane Gillis]

Maya, get over here.

[Sean Gardini]

Enjoy the podcast, everybody. Goodbye.

[Matt McCusker]

They're all firing on all cylinders right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Press record. Dude. The console war is over. The black nerds have broken the story. The black nerds are on it.

[O'Brien]

I can't. That's a big deal, dude. It's been a 20 year war.

[Shane Gillis]

It has.

[Beezer]

It's been our whole lives since PS1.

[Shane Gillis]

Xbox and PlayStation was in the Bunderoo. PlayStation had the big Bundal Roo to try to win the war.

[Matt McCusker]

Wait, what? So what crossed over both of their.

[Beezer]

Like two biggest franchises, Spider man and Halo.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, Halo is Xbox only, right?

[Beezer]

Yeah, it does feel like PlayStation kind of one though. Like if it would have been uncharted or last of us switched.

[O'Brien]

That is true.

[Matt McCusker]

Halo.

[Shane Gillis]

Halo's the biggest one.

[Beezer]

Halo's the biggest one on Xbox. Spider Man's big.

[Matt McCusker]

Big.

[Beezer]

But I don't think it's their biggest.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I feel like I don't know anyone who plays Spider Man.

[Shane Gillis]

They all.

[O'Brien]

Everybody plays Spider man, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they love Spider Man.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you. It's just you as Spidey rolling around.

[Beezer]

They make you.

[Shane Gillis]

That's your favorite part of the game is playing as Mary Jane.

[O'Brien]

I couldn't beat the game because of that part.

[Beezer]

It made me check out for like a week.

[Shane Gillis]

Spider man wasn't like just Grand Theft Auto. Kind of wasn't like open world. You get to just.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Soda would play if you smoke weed and like wrestling. Spider man is for you.

[Beezer]

I mean, Spider Man's for anybody. You didn't. If you had a PlayStation, you'd have played Spider Man. No, you could play Spider man now. Yeah, you could play Spider Man.

[Shane Gillis]

I bet You. I don't. That's your loss, brother. I'm just waiting for Vietnam. Hell, that loose.

[Beezer]

I mean, that does look sick.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, wait, so is it like. So it's like gta, but like, why wouldn't you. GTA has got to be better than Spider Man. Why sell me on why you play Spider man over gta?

[Beezer]

Swinging through the city. They perfect the swinging through the city and it swing.

[Shane Gillis]

I would watch shoulder play. Swinging was nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[Beezer]

I've go when it first came out because I didn't buy it, but I went on YouTube and just watched like 10 minutes of somebody just swinging from end to end.

[Matt McCusker]

That makes sense. Swinging through the city. And even just kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

Soda was high. As we didn't talk.

[Matt McCusker]

He was just.

[Shane Gillis]

I would just watch him play a video game silently. He's so high. He got high as. Dude, I forgot how high he got. I would just go sit at his house and he would just get high as we had a dynasty. We were playing together. I'd. I'd be defense or he'd play defense. I was offense.

[Matt McCusker]

That's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

It was nice. It was good bro time.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Except he'd get high. Sometimes I'd show up after a couple brusques. The Colorado Buffaloes would lose.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, the. The dinosaur game. I believe it was. I believe it was Gabe who broke the news of the dinosaur game.

[Shane Gillis]

Dinosaur game's pretty sick.

[Matt McCusker]

What is that game called where you start as a tiny little baby dinosaur and you slowly.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's pretty great.

[Matt McCusker]

I was. When I. When I did the whatchamacallit. Dr. Phil live soda was on the show and like backstage I told him about that dinosaur game and he was.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, yo, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

And I was like showing him videos. He's like, I gotta get this. I figured he would appreciate it.

[Shane Gillis]

He would.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, just laying up at like 2 in the morning, just being a baby dinosaur and trying to get bigger is. It's. First of all, I. It would.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a dream.

[Matt McCusker]

Catch me and I could get caught up in that.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a dream for sure. In that life. I've watched videos about it. It's pretty great.

[Matt McCusker]

It looks so tight.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Wasn't there a game where you started off as like a little amoeba and you had a. I might just be thinking of an episode of like a fucking. Huh? The aisle, right? You start off as a little baby amoeba. You gotta fucking become like a dominant life form. That's also.

[Shane Gillis]

That's a good game.

[Matt McCusker]

It's all. Huh.

[Shane Gillis]

Spore.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I think it was the aisle game I meant.

[Beezer]

Or is that the same game where you start as an amoeba and turn into a dinosaur?

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know. I'm just. I'm just throwing stuff out there.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm just throwing stuff out. Toe. Jam and Earl ruled.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[O'Brien]

Battle to.

[Shane Gillis]

I never realized to Jam and Earl were black. I never. I should have put that together.

[O'Brien]

Are they.

[Shane Gillis]

They got to be. They're walking around with boom boxes on their shoulders. That Puerto Rican.

[O'Brien]

This is the.

[Shane Gillis]

To like.

[O'Brien]

It's crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

To.

[Shane Gillis]

Definitely black.

[O'Brien]

Do you think Mario's going to come to Nintendo and Xbox? I mean, PlayStation. Xbox.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you think Mario is going to come into the Xbox?

[Beezer]

They just came out with a new system. They can't. They can't.

[Matt McCusker]

Nintendo's not giving up the goods on the area. He's bigger than ever right now. That Mario movie rules, dude.

[Beezer]

I still haven't seen it, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm telling you. I was, like, trying. I think I said it before. I was trying to hate on it. Watching a guy watch it in front of me on a flight. And I was like, grown man. Watch the Mario movie. And I watched the entire. He had headphones in. I watched no sound Mario movie for a whole flight. It's like, yo, this is sick.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Starts in Brooklyn. Fall through a pipe. It's good.

[Shane Gillis]

The waps. They're in Brooklyn.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, the wops are in Brooklyn. The mayor, brother. Losers in Brooklyn, dude. Nobody. Nobody believes in classic wops, dude. They're families plumbing. They say they do their own, like, TV commercial. And they're like, I can't even find.

[Shane Gillis]

The live action one anymore. I searched for it. I love it. I love that John Leguizamo, bro. What the past. Bob.

[O'Brien]

Bob Haskins.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. I love the.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Bob Haskins.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys know Bob Haskins?

[Matt McCusker]

What do you play, Luigi?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, he played smee.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

He played Smee and hook. That's Bob.

[Matt McCusker]

That guy. He crushed me, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he did. This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an a hole to your B hole and switch to dude wipes. Isn't that funny?

[Matt McCusker]

That is funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoever wrote this, give me a call. I need some material. I made the switch myself. And the difference, let me tell you, is real. Dude Wipes tackle the mess without any fuss. And the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. No more juggling. Rolls are settling for less than adequate wipes. Aren't you tired of juggling rolls, Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

For sure.

[Shane Gillis]

They leave no room for dingleberries.

[Matt McCusker]

All right.

[Shane Gillis]

Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Leave those on the floor.

[Shane Gillis]

The butt crumbs?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Plus they're extra large for adults. I like that. Because you are not a baby. So stop using baby wipes. Ditch the itch and switch to wet. Extra large flushable dude wipes. Dude wipes. Best clean Pants down. Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll give Bob Haskins.

[Shane Gillis]

He plays me. And Mario, he's from. He's a British actor.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[O'Brien]

He's a beast. He was also in who framed Roger Rabbit.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[O'Brien]

He was the detective.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

We should have known.

[Matt McCusker]

Hoskins, bro. Okay.

[O'Brien]

Hell of a run, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Fair enough.

[Shane Gillis]

Super Mario Bros. The movie.

[O'Brien]

He was Mario.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't remember the live action.

[O'Brien]

He was.

[Shane Gillis]

It was the one where the. The goombas looked exactly like Chris Wood. It looked exactly like him.

[O'Brien]

The Koopas.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes. It's the Wood man.

[Matt McCusker]

Let me see. I'm gonna see this. Live action Mario.

[O'Brien]

The live action Mario movie was funny cuz their last names was Mario. He was like, I'm Mario Mario. And I'm Luigi Mario. That was pretty funny.

[Shane Gillis]

I just remember being a kid watching it getting hyped. I liked it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yo, this is.

[O'Brien]

I can't believe the council Council wars are over. This is like for real, life changing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I feel like a wave of relief. The Woodman.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn. This shit looked fucking sick. Actually.

[Shane Gillis]

It was sick. I don't think it's streaming anywhere.

[Sean Gardini]

It's streaming on Amazon.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, Amazon hasn't looked for it.

[Sean Gardini]

That's what chat GPP said.

[Shane Gillis]

Those chat people. I'm gonna watch that tonight. This is a big night. Oh, just watching people run routes. Can't wait for football.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, you know what? La Mere last week we were at the creek and Lemaire tossed on soap like the best of soapbox racing. Ever watched that before? Yeah, like the Red Bulls do their own cars. Yeah. I was awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

We just missed it in Iowa. When are you guys with me in Iowa? Nebraska and Iowa, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

That rules.

[Shane Gillis]

It might have just been in Nebraska. I forget which one or Iowa it was that day we got in too late. They're like, I just cleared the streets.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, dude. I was watching like heavy critiques. I'm like, what the are they doing? They're like, dude, it's soapbox, right? Like just have fun and watch it. And I was like, no, I need.

[Shane Gillis]

To remind you because Mario and Luig, huh?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know Mario and Luigi's box, one of the cars.

[Matt McCusker]

Do they really?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I've seen Mario and Luigi get wrecked in Red Bull.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, shit.

[Shane Gillis]

I swear to God.

[Matt McCusker]

They had some cool ones, man. One of them was just like a giant castle. They get up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. They get launched.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. How do you like practice that? Because you must get hurt. Like, I could see like the crowd. If you put up the Red Bull decals, obviously I'll go all out, but like. Yeah, just practicing that. You can get so hurt doing that.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I doubt they even like practice that much.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

I think you have a couple beers and go, fuck it. We built this thing. I'm going to slide it down the road in Des Moines.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Well.

[Shane Gillis]

That'S a good day.

[Matt McCusker]

I was getting kind of frustrated where I was like, dude, like, you think these things would have better steer? I guess. You know, it's just people building them. But like I was getting like kind of pissed. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Wright brothers level cars. This thing's never gonna work.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I was like, dude, can I see one guy smoke this course? And it was like, nope, nobody does it. I mean it's, you know, hats off to doing it, but.

[O'Brien]

Have you ever seen the Bobby A Bobby Barbie car races?

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[O'Brien]

The guys, it's. It's in Texas. These guys, they go down this big hill and Bobby Barbie cars.

[Guest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And they just like a power wheel kind of thing. Yeah, the power wheels.

[O'Brien]

Yeah. Like Barbies and power wheels.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The little jeep things. Yeah, it's a jeep thing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[O'Brien]

They take it down a hill and they wipe.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, those things would roll. Yeah. If you just put them on a hill, they, they would start moving.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I've watched tons of videos of just kids getting up on those things, whipping it around, hitting a curb. That's great.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Now what?

[Shane Gillis]

A lot of people get ejected from the cars. The kids stay in the high head first. They'd never get ejected. They're not like the Saudis.

[Matt McCusker]

We have one, we have a power wheel. And my my is pretty good at driving it. But then Chloe will go gremlin mode and put her foot on the gas. Maya, like, stop.

[Shane Gillis]

It's my turn to drive. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

From the past.

[Shane Gillis]

She's already practicing her crazy girlfriend. She's already going to be a crazy girlfriend. Just like, what did you do? I died tonight.

[Matt McCusker]

They were pulled into the garage and M's being all careful and Chloe's went bank rambling mode. They almost hit the car. It was so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Stop, Stop.

[Matt McCusker]

Total gremlin mode. Yeah. I get yeah. Now, a lot of parents have them on remote control. Put your kid in, like, the Power Wheel, but you sit and control it remotely.

[Shane Gillis]

That'd be so fun. I know, it's not great parenting.

[Matt McCusker]

It'd be fun. No, well, it's, like, safer.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I know, but.

[Matt McCusker]

But you gotta let them ride, bro. Yeah, you gotta let them ride.

[Shane Gillis]

But that'd be nice, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It'd be so funny with them. Yeah, just forward, backwards, forwards.

[Shane Gillis]

A good dui.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

You can just sit in the lawn chair, have a couple drinks, race kids.

[Matt McCusker]

Just one eye and your kids.

[Shane Gillis]

Give me a controller.

[Matt McCusker]

We got.

[Shane Gillis]

Give me a controller. We can. We can Mario Kart with actual kids.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be fun.

[Shane Gillis]

That's awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be so fun. Good call.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast is brought to you by. Dude Wipes. Matt, take it from there.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, let me tell you something about these dude wipes right now, man. I'd love to take it right here. Here we go. I'm your butthole. Yeah. Me. The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body.

[Shane Gillis]

Name two or three poor choices that your butthole never appreciates. For example, buffalo wings, iced coffees, gas station sushi.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, there's. I mean, all of those.

[Shane Gillis]

What's going on?

[Matt McCusker]

This is.

[Shane Gillis]

This is disgusting stuff.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Jalapeno poppers, root beer floats. That's a weird one to tie to your butt. I don't know what that would do.

[Shane Gillis]

Root beer floats.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they also. They put in here two foot double ended dill.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's bad for your butt.

[Matt McCusker]

Corner store chili cheese dogs.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm the one dealing with your poor choices. That's from the butthole.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

And then you drag a dry ass tissue across me like you're sanding a piece of shit coffee table until I'm a throbbing red balloon knob. Who the fuck wrote this ad? Dude Wipes. Available at retailers nationwide and Amazon. Look, they do rule. You don't have to. You don't have to write that ad. Read. Yeah, they're good for your butt. It feels good.

[Matt McCusker]

It's. I mean, traveling with them is for real.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, my traveling with them is great.

[Matt McCusker]

First day of traveling, my ass falls apart. Turns, it's just completely blistered.

[Shane Gillis]

You get a oil slick.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly. These are designed specific, then irritates the skin. If it was just an oil slick, fine, but then your skin gets all irritated. But having these to come back from and just.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Like after. Like a warrior in battle, just kind of dabbing it, you know? But, yeah, they're extra large with scents like Mint chill and shea butter. Stop being an a hole to your B hole. We take it all back. That's fucking cool. Yeah, that was great, dude. Wife available at retailers nationwide and Amazon.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, we support this product for sure.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I'm. I got crushed the other day by a piece of. I'm not even going to say it's bad information. I think I didn't take it in properly, but I was. I've been trying to, like, cut down on my caffeine because it's been getting a little bit out of control. So I'm just like, my brain's just looking for reasons, like, keep taking in lots of caffeine. And I saw. I didn't watch the video. I saw, like, the thumbnail of a Huberman video where he's like, you want to. You want to skyrocket your cortisol? It was like a chart on his Instagram. I don't think it was a video showing, like, why you want to skyrocket your cortisol. So I was like, he's right. I should drink as much coffee as fast as I can as soon as I wake up. And, dude, I, like, had a whale of a day.

[Shane Gillis]

It's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

I had like. You ever drink so much, you feel like. You're just like. Your innards are just like, almost feel like mechanical all the time. Dude. I had.

[Shane Gillis]

This is my second cold brew today.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe you can relate that. Yeah, because I had, like. I was. I'd spiked my cortisol. I'm like, all right, I'm totally on protocol with Huberman right now. I maybe. Maybe he was like, do it through exercise. I didn't listen to the thing. I was just like, I'm just gonna crush coffee. Cold brew right in the morning. And then I ended up having, like, a genuinely stressful day and was like, I thought I was gonna die. I was. It me up. I'm trying to get back off the bean.

[Shane Gillis]

I abused it. You're good at tracking what's doing what. I'll just be like, I had a good day. I don't know what the caused that. Yeah, this is a good day. This is a terrible day.

[Matt McCusker]

I knew it was the coffee, though, because I. I have it down kind of to a science. And then it was just like, I was like, taking a walk with my wife. You want to get some coffee? And I was like, yeah, I'll chug a cold brew. Huberman told me I need a spike after I already had, like a 24 ounce cup. I was like, it's time to spike the cortisol. That's my problem.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys walking in the morning in your neighborhood?

[Matt McCusker]

Nice walk. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You're living a real life.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It's crazy taking it home. Just walking with my babe.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to start going full old Indian man, staying like 10 steps behind her with my hands behind my back. That's the dream. They take your babe for a walk.

[Shane Gillis]

American women could never stand for that.

[Matt McCusker]

No, no.

[Shane Gillis]

So mad if you were 10ft behind them. Yeah, I have to walk side by side.

[Matt McCusker]

Literally, the only time I'm 10ft behind her, when she's already mad at me and she storms ahead.

[Shane Gillis]

They have to be side by side. Even in New York, where everyone's on the sidewalk. You're, like, getting single file.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, single file.

[Shane Gillis]

While people are passing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Babes like to keep you right at their hip.

[Guest]

Yes.

[Sean Gardini]

They'll, like, walk.

[Guest]

Yeah, they're not.

[Sean Gardini]

Yeah, they're really bad at walking.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, they'll pop.

[Sean Gardini]

Yellow, bumpy, like, can't stay in a straight line.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they can't. That's why they need you next to them.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Sean Gardini]

Yeah, I'm happy to help.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, My babe will hit the. She'll hit the jets on me. She'll hit turbo. If she's mad, she'll speed it. And so it's always just like, bro, you slow your little ass down. She gets mad, walks as fast as she can. I'm like, bro, I could smoke you right now.

[Beezer]

You ever hit the slow down when they speed up? That's my move.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's good. She's mad.

[Beezer]

It speeds up. I go slower, and I'm like, we'll just part ways.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, it's nice when you go slow and then they turn around, you go, you're all the way up there. What the are you doing all the way up there? I didn't see you back there. Yeah, you did.

[Shane Gillis]

You know what you're doing.

[Matt McCusker]

You know exactly what the you're up to. Yeah, they hit this. The Jets. It's so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Angry jets is crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, Angry jets is so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

I said, I see you at the Angry Jets.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll hit him.

[Shane Gillis]

Video game angry.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll run away.

[Shane Gillis]

Angry Jets.

[Matt McCusker]

Is she hitting with a diabolical Angry Jets? Because we were, like, heading into, like, a preschool thing, like a, you know, like two nights before school.

[Shane Gillis]

How much I hate Angry Jets. Bro, we're late for a dinner. She's gonna rush in before me.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, it gets me out of the.

[Shane Gillis]

Car into the front door. You're gonna run through the front yard. We gotta walk in together. Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

This diabolical was because I'm driving and we get into the parking lot. I don't know why. And I've talked to other people. Babes do this where they'll be like, there's a spot, right? And it's like, yo, man, I'm driving. When I don't. Like, without you. I don't circle parking lots helplessly. Like, I know how to pull into a spot. If you say it, I'm not going to bark in that spot.

[Shane Gillis]

Now that's the worst spot.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I'm just.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I'm not over here.

[Matt McCusker]

So I started just being like, I. I can park the car. I don't need your input. You. Yeah, I know where I'm going. Because it's like, it's a new place. We don't. I don't.

[Shane Gillis]

I really don't know where I'm going.

[Matt McCusker]

So. She hit the Angry Jets.

[Shane Gillis]

Conquistador. Yeah, I know exactly where I'm going.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, she hit the Angry jets on me. And I like, kind of could have gotten lost. And I had no choice but to hurry up. I was like, I had to hurry up real quick behind her. She could have lost. If I got lost, I would have never found.

[Shane Gillis]

That was in the parking lot.

[Matt McCusker]

I would have found it eventually, but I was just like, she hit the Angry Jets. And I was like, God damn it. I actually do got to speed up right now. So I don't know where the hell I'm going to. They, like, sent out a video of like, exactly where to go. And actually. Do you watch it? I was like, yeah, I'll watch it. I didn't watch it, so I don't know where to go. But yeah, that was the last set of Angry Jets I got. But then it was cool. She chilled out. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The Angry Jets.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I had a girlfriend that would be so mad if we were late for anything.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, lose her mind. Like, it was like a mental issue. If we were like 10 minutes, like, we were late to go to my parents house for dinner. Is your parents, like, we can be three hours late.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's all good.

[Shane Gillis]

It doesn't matter. She lost her mind in the car. Silent car ride. Angry jets to the front door. And then right when you walk in.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, how are you guys?

[Shane Gillis]

You psycho.

[Matt McCusker]

Nothing, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

When you're fighting and they get a phone call and they're like, hey. He's like, yeah, where's that energy towards Me?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Give me that energy.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Why can't I get.

[Shane Gillis]

Hey, but we hit that. They get that from us, though.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

They hear me talking on the phone with.

[Matt McCusker]

Having a blast.

[Shane Gillis]

One of you guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Then she answers, ph like, yeah, all right. No, nothing. What you talk about on the podcast? Nothing. I swear to God. Nothing.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't. I. I don't remember.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't remember.

[Matt McCusker]

No idea. Okay, well, if you're rushing me off the phone. I'm not.

[Shane Gillis]

Not rushing off the phone.

[Matt McCusker]

Normal. I don't know why you're saying, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

It can be a hourong phone call. If I'm like, yeah, all right, I'm going to head out. It's like, fine. What? How you. She has to say goodbye.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. Yeah, the babe has to say goodbye. Oh, okay. What are you doing? I just. I don't want to be on the.

[Shane Gillis]

Phone at the bros here this week we were hitting some pretty hard good nights.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Gabe and those guys, a couple good nights that week. It was uncomfortable.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you mean?

[Shane Gillis]

It's like everybody.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, you're just chilling.

[Shane Gillis]

Watching Sicario. Sicario ends go, all right, good night. Good night, guy. It's like, all right, good night, bro. Yeah. And you close the door behind you in your bedroom and go, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

That guy.

[Shane Gillis]

That guy put a hit on me. It's queered into blazes.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was. I remember sharing the hotel room with said the kid, because. Sharing the room.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And just have to be like, good night, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta whisper at night.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Hey, Matt, what are you thinking about?

[Matt McCusker]

Sleep died.

[Shane Gillis]

Good night, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Because we watched that documentary about the kid, though. Said the kid was right.

[Shane Gillis]

The bees are in me. And bees were sharing rooms. It's just drunk dude snorting. It was crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Me and said the kid got stoned and watched that HBO documentary about the heroin addicts. Followed over 30 years. And the guy at the end, he dies and explodes his body.

[Shane Gillis]

Apparently the dead body melts at the end.

[Matt McCusker]

He melts. And we just watched a guy turn into a puddle and then just like, turn it off for like. Good night, man. Good. Tonight in the little room in St. Louis.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, it's so funny, the difference of you and said the kid. Yeah, it was me. Okay, man And Beezer. There wasn't one good night.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

No one remembered one night. Every night. People were like, you know what you.

[Matt McCusker]

Although that's three's company.

[Shane Gillis]

That's someone squad.

[Matt McCusker]

Someone sharing usually.

[Shane Gillis]

I started stacking those two at the end.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you can get there.

[Shane Gillis]

But I Would. I would split rooms with the guys. My favorite story I've said a million times is me and Beezer were sleeping head to toe. Twin beds. No, no, no. But I woke up in the middle of the night and he was facing the same way as me. The distance was less than this. We were laying on our sides. He was awake and I was like, dude, what the. I had to roll over.

[Matt McCusker]

Nothing worse than being like 30. 30.

[Shane Gillis]

We were older in like Cleveland.

[Matt McCusker]

Just my dad would hold it down like when he.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm sorry, I keep cutting you off. It was also dark enough that I. It took me a second to be like, are his eyes open or are we making eye contact? It's just the beast's face like, yo, dude, what's up? I was like, God damn it, dude. I. My life sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

My dad would have to get like. He would get like a job somewhere kind of far away, dude. Like, it'd be like a three hour drive. So he would get the shittiest motels. It would just be like me, my dad, my brother, my uncle Doc, one of my cousins, and like four Peruvian dudes. And we would all be in like shitty motels and I would just like share a room with like one of my uncles and be. It's hell.

[Shane Gillis]

It's disgusting.

[Matt McCusker]

It's being like 27, sharing a shitty way. Walking through sucks.

[Shane Gillis]

Waking you up at 5am with them going like the loudest you've ever heard.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm just sunburnt for being outside all day. We ate at the worst possible place. Just in the middle of like nowhere.

[Shane Gillis]

Del Trash people.

[Matt McCusker]

My dad's like, you believe how big this steak is? Just eats a 24 ounce steak. It was 12 bucks, man. That was great. Just lays in a rooms like farting his ass off.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, me and bees, we were like a couple. He would snore, I'd throw pillows at him. It was, yeah, great times.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. My dad still held down. Like if he went away to work by himself, he would just eat ice cream and steak every. He was like complete bad kid. Ice cream, steak milkshakes.

[Shane Gillis]

No one's around. Yeah, he's just you and the ice cream. There's nothing else in the universe.

[Matt McCusker]

He got a new. He got his atrial fibrillation. River. Atrial fibrillation. You got it fixed. He's like, I'm like, dude, you got to start chilling. He's like, I got saying I got.

[Shane Gillis]

A brand new heart fixed. His afib.

[Matt McCusker]

They go up through your leg.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, okay.

[Matt McCusker]

And send a thing and like Cauterize the vein. They go like through your whole body and cauterize the vein. And apparently I was talking to one of my friends who does, like, medical stuff, and he said if you. They're doing surgery and they have like your heart open, sometimes you'll just go into like, afib. And he said they just take a little thing and tap it with a tool and it sends it back into regular beating.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

What do we got here? Amber Ambien. Oh, crap. Well, missing child. Yeah. If you see her. Black shirt, black shorts, wears glasses up.

[Shane Gillis]

Why are you looking around? Oh, the description was Nate. Nate's girlfriend put on Amber Alert. What was the description?

[Matt McCusker]

Kind of was, but it was a.

[Shane Gillis]

Girl, glasses, zesty.

[Matt McCusker]

Guy, 18 year old white guy.

[Shane Gillis]

Be on the lookout for a zesty guy in a Rick Shaw.

[Matt McCusker]

I wish. Just wants to like, finally see a guy. Like, I get those Amber Alerts all the time. Helpless.

[Shane Gillis]

They. They put out a wide net. Dude, that's probably in like, Houston.

[Matt McCusker]

It's in like. Yeah, it's in like Salado, Texas. So hopefully nothing bad happens. Then we'll be on video being like, it's Nate. You know.

[Shane Gillis]

It'S usually. It's usually a parent.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

The Amber looks usually.

[Matt McCusker]

That's a youngster for that, though.

[Shane Gillis]

What do you mean?

[Matt McCusker]

They said the guy, the suspect who has the. The child is only 18.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, never mind.

[Matt McCusker]

So maybe. Maybe it's a. Yeah. I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not great.

[Matt McCusker]

It could be an older brother. Older brothers. I'm getting my sister. But yeah, usually it is. A parent's being like.

[Shane Gillis]

It's usually a dad.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Or mom going without custody.

[Matt McCusker]

Usually dead.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Moms have to up so bad and occur custody. It's not even. It's not even funny.

[Shane Gillis]

This is how you end up on an Amber Alert, though.

[Matt McCusker]

True, true.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Trying to do the right thing.

[Shane Gillis]

Crazy. I'm gonna call the cops.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm doing it. That ride would be tight, though. You're getting iced now.

[Shane Gillis]

You're driving. You see the. Your description of your car on a road sign.

[Matt McCusker]

You go, you're at the aquarium. You're like, just give me 10 more minutes, man. I'm just trying to take the kid to the aquarium. That is such a hellhole of a situation, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Losing your kids.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Like, yeah, it's awful having to stay, do all the stake.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you're literally not allowed to see them. Yeah, I was too much partying.

[Matt McCusker]

I was a. I like, volunteered briefly. Way, way, way back as like A volunteer for, like, assisting in, like, family court, where, like, you had to, like, I'd, like, go talk to kids who are in, like, up for foster stuff. And there was one dude, there was a dad who. I mean, he was. He. You know, he needed to do better. But the funniest part was he failed the drug test for cocaine. But he knew the exact, like, parts per million in your bloodstream that it was allowed to be. He goes, what are you talking about? My levels are fine. Judge was like, no, I gave you mine. Which is like, if you have any, it's over. He's like, well, that's unfair.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, that's not right. Cocaine's gonna get in there. Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

He was like, I had to bump. He goes, I took a drug test and it didn't come up. She's like, that's why I gave you mine. He was like, this is. Man, this is un.

[Shane Gillis]

That is kind of let the boy have a bump. Can't even see his kid, dude. Obviously, he's going to do a bump.

[Matt McCusker]

Just wanted a bump.

[Shane Gillis]

Can you imagine not being able to see a kid? You're at the bar, someone's like, I got some coke. Yeah.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, for sure sucks.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Or I feel good for 10 minutes.

[Matt McCusker]

Although he might have been at the bar two years before where he had his kid and was like, love some for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

Where it started. But it doesn't point. It's like, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. At this point, once you get. Yeah. Once you're not allowed.

[Shane Gillis]

Bump city.

[Matt McCusker]

It's bump. It's bump time.

[Shane Gillis]

It's bump time.

[Matt McCusker]

But you. I mean, he's supposed to be. I think he was in trouble for not making enough money to give it to his kids. Jerry.

[Shane Gillis]

That's even more bump time. I don't have any money. And someone goes, do you want to bump? You go, yes.

[Matt McCusker]

That's why. Yeah. Doesn't have money.

[Shane Gillis]

I know. True.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's a chicken in the egg.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not. It's definitely. It's definitely the bump's fault. But once the bump's taken over, dude, you go, it's.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta. Just me in the bump.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Or just be like, yo, let's get this coke up and see you get a job on a forklift. Like, let's move this. Let's go.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Let's get the bumps up.

[Shane Gillis]

You go. Bumps aligned.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Get you a warehouse job. We'll be doing the judge.

[Matt McCusker]

Just sending you, like, when bro has the bag. Smeagol memes.

[Shane Gillis]

Are nice.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nice to get like. Because you do have like deadbeat fathers and just be like, yo, put them on amphetamines, bro. Get these guys cranked up. Get a broom in their hands. Get them on the construction site sweeping up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Get them methed out. Go the opposite.

[Shane Gillis]

I did it and almost worked well.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

He met the boys up and said, we love. Czechoslovakia is ours, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be. Yeah, just like meth these guys up and get them on, get them in some grind set mentality because, you know, maybe they're going the complete different, you know, wrong direction with it.

[Shane Gillis]

If you're in an office not doing meth, what are you doing?

[Matt McCusker]

It's a fair point. That's crazy. You got to be stemmed up offices.

[Shane Gillis]

I've stemmed up and gone to work. And it was the best day of my life.

[Matt McCusker]

It's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

I was walking fast around. Yeah, I was. I was being mad. Walking fast everywhere going. You know what? I like working at this garage. I could work here the rest of my life.

[Matt McCusker]

Doing. Doing demo with the coffee was the best. Just crushing like a 24 out, 24 ounce.

[Shane Gillis]

Speaking of the devil, there's some coffee here. Oh, Lemay's quick to his face.

[Matt McCusker]

I used to work for my dad and just crush coffee and just like break stuff. It's sick. Yeah, just drop entire drop ceilings. Let them fall.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Beezer gave me Adderall and I was at Toyota selling crush mufflers. And I acted like I knew what I was talking about. When I was on Aderall, I knew cars.

[Matt McCusker]

You're Elliott Army.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I was fully. Andy, were you not gonna take this?

[Matt McCusker]

Listen what I said. Someone just abducted my wife. You shout out to the bro.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

He needs. I need a. We need to get him in here, man.

[Shane Gillis]

He'll come.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, we got to get him in here, bro. Get people. Get our. Get the bag up, man. We can all get shredded. We should take our shirts off for him and just smother him.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, I would. He would murder me.

[Matt McCusker]

You think so?

[Shane Gillis]

If he was like, pop your top off. Devastating. He might change my life, though. That's what he does. He motivates people. I could give him a hug and be like, thank you, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I needed to be publicly humiliated on the Internet.

[Matt McCusker]

I saw a guy who popped his shirt off and then proposed to his girlfriend.

[Shane Gillis]

Thank you.

[Matt McCusker]

At the army convention.

[Shane Gillis]

Proposed to his girlfriend at the Shirt army with his shirt off.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he popped his shirt off and he big upped him, which I will say you Know, everyone likes to say, you know, the dark side of it is the body shaming, all that stuff. That's not great. But imagine Elliot being like, bro, you're so fucking jacked right now.

[Shane Gillis]

That would be nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Then you propose to your wife. Then Elliot's just like, let's go.

[Shane Gillis]

That would be sick.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be so sick. Yeah, you watch the video like 10 years later. Yeah, this was a good.

[Shane Gillis]

Having Andy Elliot get hyped on you would be so sick. But yeah, when you, when she leaves you, you're back to being fat. You're watching your wedding table.

[Matt McCusker]

Time to grind.

[Shane Gillis]

You're sitting there. No, there's bulk time, dude. Dude, I used to be skinny. Andy Elliott said I was jacked at my wedding. Yeah, I'll have a bump.

[Matt McCusker]

Having your marriage fall apart and all you have left is your video of you shirtless at the Elliott Army. That'd be devastating. Although that guy's probably making six figures a month, dude. So definitely five months though, you know. Shut the up.

[Shane Gillis]

Six figs. Grinding.

[Matt McCusker]

He's grinding his ass off. My hard work paid off. This episode is brought to you by Spinal Dab 2. The end continues the long awaited sequel to the comedy classic this is Spinal Tap. And it features all the original cast. Damn. Describe your experience with the film.

[Shane Gillis]

I liked it.

[Matt McCusker]

I love this is Final Time.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I've always, I've always enjoyed it.

[Matt McCusker]

Guys, if you love the original film, what did you like about it?

[Shane Gillis]

I liked, I liked their British accent. That's what I liked.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Me too, man. I. I just, man, like, I just.

[Shane Gillis]

Loved seeing the art form of the mockumentary. Really fully explored the way those guys did it and.

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't wait to see him do it again.

[Matt McCusker]

If you need it. Here's a list of some of the actors names. Christopher Guest, Michael McKean.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Harry Shearer, Rob Reiner. Along with cameos from Paul McCartney, Elton John, Lars Ulrich Quest Love and Garth Brooks. Go see Spinal Tab 2. The end continues only in theater. September 12th, 4am get your tickets.

[Shane Gillis]

Today it's 4am Go, yo, go see that movie.

[Matt McCusker]

Christ. This episode is brought to you by Shopify.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah. Matt, you make my life so much, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

You make my life. So it's. It's like. No, I mean, to be fair, to be fair, my life. My life will be hell.

[Shane Gillis]

I know, I know. This is Shopify ad. But bro, it's so funny. The prompts to be like, what would you guys do without each other? All right, Shopify.

[Matt McCusker]

I'd be literally Filling buckets of rocks in front of my dad and going, you see how strong I am, dad, I can throw these in a dumpster for you.

[Shane Gillis]

I think honestly, we might both be doing that. I think I probably would have had a job at your dad's rock company going, look at these rocks.

[Matt McCusker]

Watch. My friend Shane, you can lift four.

[Shane Gillis]

Buckets of rocks right now. I can do it once. Then I'm gonna be out of breath for.

[Matt McCusker]

When it comes to your business, having a good partner like Shopify or Shane Gillis can make a huge difference from website design to content creation, marketing, sales and beyond. They can help transform it into what you want it to be. Turn your big business idea into with Shopify. Shopify, sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today.

[Shane Gillis]

This is out of control. Join Shopify. It's a DOL a month.

[Matt McCusker]

$1 a month. And start selling [e-mail] Matt and Shane.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes, man.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I, I didn't, I. So I started to say I didn't finish the race.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh yeah, I'll stop cutting you off.

[Matt McCusker]

No, dude, totally stemmed up, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm bumped up.

[Matt McCusker]

It's Tim versus Tim right now.

[Shane Gillis]

It's bump city.

[Matt McCusker]

But yeah, dude, it was supposed to be hard sand. So I show up and I was kind of nervous. I was like, man, he ran the 630 on a treadmill, which I knew, like, you know, like he's not battling the elements. So I had that on my side. But I still 15 seconds ahead of me. But we get there and there's like this hurricane that's just like bouncing around the ocean right now. And apparently there was a storm, I guess a week or two before I came there that like transformed the entire beach.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So like he was, you know, he stays there all summer, so he was like, he knew it was like, yeah, it's hard sand, we'll be fine. I show up, dude. It was like soft, like inches of soft sand. So we had to run like three lifeguard stands down, which is a half a mile then back. So it was like a whole mile. Dude. The first quarter mile was soft. Super, super soft. Like top of the beach, soft sand. That was. I don't know if it was dry. I can't even. I don't know if it's dry or wet or what, but it was like your whole foot sank down in it. So we did a quarter mile in that and I'm checking my pace. He was pushing like a five minute, 30 second mile and like the softest sand. Imaginable and I'm just trailing him. Like, there's no way. Like, this is.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you gotta tip your hat.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I was like, this is suicide. So I kind of slowed down behind him, and he eventually slowed down, and we got to that third lifeguard stand. We came around, and I was just going to follow him the whole way, but I was like, let me push the pace a little bit and see what's got in the tank. Pushed the pace, turned around, and he was. He was lagging. So I was like, yeah, he's playing with my head, man. He's going to come flying up behind me. So I, like, gave it a good quarter mile push again. Turned around, I was like, oh, my God. He was back there.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And then I forgot I had pushed the pace. But now I have to do a whole other quarter mile and, like, these softest sand imaginable. So I was dying. And then I was like, all right, I see the finish line. And Chloe was like, pick me up. And I. I honestly picked her up, of course. Wholesome as hell. It was. It was quiet.

[Shane Gillis]

It was wholesome.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a quiet flex, though.

[Shane Gillis]

It was. It was wholesome. But the flex coming off the come, from his perspective on this, it's a flex. The flex of a guy holding his. His child crossing the finish line.

[Matt McCusker]

She's 35 pounds, going, thank you, God. Thank you.

[Shane Gillis]

I love my beautiful family. And you're back there dying in.

[Matt McCusker]

He was in the Sriracha singlet.

[Shane Gillis]

He was in a Sriracha singlet, but.

[Matt McCusker]

He had the shorts.

[Shane Gillis]

I also. I was telling you, props to him for not. I would have second. You took the lead, dude. He would have sat in the sand. That's right. In the sand and gone in the water.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I said, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

You took that seriously. That's so gay. I was just with you to try to make you run a mile.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I. I had nothing but respect because he. He pushed it so hard. Finished it out after coming off of, like, a pretty serious medical thing.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And it was like, dude, you are a psycho. He just trained for a month, and, dude, it was real. The hardest. It was the hardest kind of race I've ever done.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Just running in sand.

[Shane Gillis]

Your wife sent me some videos. It was nice.

[Matt McCusker]

And she did this start off and start off with.

[Shane Gillis]

So mean. She was like, these two fat boys are on it.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, she's so mean to me, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's funny.

[Matt McCusker]

She saw my breath.

[Shane Gillis]

She was so proud of you, though.

[Matt McCusker]

She was proud when you Came back, she was pumped. But it was also like.

[Shane Gillis]

But yeah, if you're an onlooker, you gotta be like, damn.

[Matt McCusker]

We were getting.

[Shane Gillis]

Somebody's an insane person.

[Matt McCusker]

We were getting some weird looks because we were, like, right with each other running, like, trudging through the sand. But then afterwards, there was like a. I guess he was like, I met one of the lifeguards there. He's a fan of the cast. He's a man sick. But there was another guy who was sprinting after we were done, I think one of the lifeguards.

[Shane Gillis]

You got him charged up.

[Matt McCusker]

Got him charged up and he was sprinting.

[Shane Gillis]

Nobody's gonna outwork me. Nobody's gonna outwork me today.

[Matt McCusker]

He was sprinting in the sand, kid. But yeah, the race was sick. But, dude, I watched a thing today on Twitter where a marathon mom, like, the. The, you know, runner lady, her whole family was there, and her kid, same situation, was like, reached out, like, mom picked me up and she blew past her whole family. Yeah, like, off and cross the finish line. It was like. Couldn't do that because it was in. There's a part of me being like, I don't want to up my time, but I was like, I gotta pick up my sweet angel trotter across the finish. But I think I did probably, like, seven something. I think. Actually, let me check. I think I did, like, seven something.

[Shane Gillis]

In the sand is.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not bad.

[Shane Gillis]

You're moving, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

I was. It felt so slow, but it was cool. It was a good, you know, it was all to me. I was, like, ready to trash talk, but I was like, no, it was. It was all. All props to the horse, man, because that was for real, like, an insane display that he was able to do that. I can't find my workouts. It was about seven something.

[Shane Gillis]

That's something to be proud of. It's whatever. Now you should be proud.

[Matt McCusker]

I hit the track. I got back that Monday. I hit the road Tuesday. I hit the track hard again. I just thought I was gonna die. That was after my cortisol spike. I was like, I gotta hit the. I ran the day after my cortisol spaz, and for real thought I was having a heart attack.

[Shane Gillis]

What is cortisol?

[Matt McCusker]

It's a stress hormone.

[Shane Gillis]

It's just like, to spike your stress with.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I should read the whole post. I just saw the graphic.

[Shane Gillis]

Any excuse to.

[Matt McCusker]

That's all it was.

[Shane Gillis]

Chug some Joe in the morning.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, you know what, Huberman? You're making a lot of Sense right now. Let me just crush. So I need to drink more coffee earlier. That way all crashes.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the same excuse people like, you're supposed to drink wine. It's good for you. You're not. That's. Apparently you didn't read the rest of the study.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, the study apparently was completely funded by, like, alcohol. Yeah. Like 100. Wine. Wine. Did the reservatrol. That was their big thing. There's an antioxidant in grapes called reservatrol that's apparently good for you.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And they always go to Europe. They're like, this is why you're being so healthy. They drink wine with every meal.

[Shane Gillis]

I think it's probably also a social thing. You know, you're hanging out with people, you're gonna have a happier.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Better life. You're less likely to.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what they say.

[Shane Gillis]

Lay around just to hang out.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's the chill. It's the vibe.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the bdubs.

[Matt McCusker]

It's the bdubs. Couch.

[Shane Gillis]

I had a bdubs council in Grand Rapids Mission.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you really?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

How was it?

[Shane Gillis]

Hit the council for the UFC on Saturday.

[Matt McCusker]

That's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it was great.

[Matt McCusker]

You went to the dubs.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Assembled the council.

[Matt McCusker]

That's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

The council was me, Sam Talon and Samuel. Good council.

[Matt McCusker]

That is good. Also, B Dubs is approved by RFK Jr. Yeah. They do the beef towel.

[Shane Gillis]

It was approved.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So you're just following. Here's a soldier following order. Let's listen to the final go to beat ups. What's your. What's your stance on 32 ounce bud lights? And you're obviously.

[Matt McCusker]

They're good.

[Shane Gillis]

There's no seed oils, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, two. If two a day are good for you, why not 18?

[Shane Gillis]

Why not have two pitchers? That's good.

[Matt McCusker]

But yeah, man, that was. It was a sick week, man. We did the. We did the beach. The beach was very fun, like hanging with the fam. And then just did the dreaded show at the Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort.

[Shane Gillis]

Why was it so dreaded?

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, it was.

[Shane Gillis]

You did great.

[Matt McCusker]

It was fun.

[Shane Gillis]

Sure. You did great.

[Matt McCusker]

It was good. It was just new stuff, dude. It was. I pigged out trying to do that much new. Just psycho. It was an absolute psycho move. Yeah, but it was. It was fun. My heart. My heart was in it.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I just got to. I got too pumped on the John Martin documentary because the whole time they would. They would talk about how, like, he was. He was like a really good musician, and he would work with, like, labels and stuff. And they'd be like, bro, you're. You got the goods. Just here, make this one album. You're good. And he would go, I couldn't do it. I'd have to make what I wanted. He'd make the weirdest, and it would never work.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It was tight, though. He was just like, yeah, why I could have done that? Why would I do that? He's like, I'd rather just play what I want. And then he's like, it just is what it is. Which, you know, I'm not. I'm not liking myself to jm, obviously.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I see it, but it was.

[Matt McCusker]

It. It heartened me. It was like, just do the stuff you like doing and just have fun. So it's cool.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

He would just. It was. Him and his bro would hit the bar, just crush pints, play a show in, like, a theater hall. And he goes, we couldn't get back to the pub fast enough. They would go back, crush the Guinnesses.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was thinking about. I kept sending you all the things on the plane. That fires me up eventually. Yeah. But it ended. The ending was rough. It was definitely a cautionary tale.

[Shane Gillis]

It's gonna be a crash landing.

[Matt McCusker]

It was a complete crash landing. His diet. So, like, the funny part was. Was like, they started the documentary. The starting point was that, like, he was laid up in a neck brace because he had been driving drunk now.

[Shane Gillis]

Getting a neck brace.

[Matt McCusker]

He had the brace, and he crashed into a cow in the countryside and got, like, up. He's drunk. He drunkenly sick. Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a hell of a run, dude. Hell of a run.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. And then he just drunk hit a.

[Shane Gillis]

Cow in a neck brace.

[Matt McCusker]

Junkie. No, the neck brace is from hitting the couch.

[Shane Gillis]

I know. No, I know. I'm saying that's how, like. I mean, that's a legend.

[Matt McCusker]

And then there's, like, pancreas. One of them. Something exploded. Couldn't drink. And then all he would do is drink whiskey and eat pickled eggs. That was the doctor. Like, you got to get it together. And he's like, all right. Whiskey and a pickled egg diet. Just farting himself into a blue farts.

[Shane Gillis]

The worst farts of all time. He was a big guy at the end. Yeah, He's a big, big dog eating eggs and whiskey.

[Matt McCusker]

He was like a. If you look up old videos of John Martin, he was just like a. Like a thin rock star type. And he became a frill dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Whiskey and eggs is crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

Give me a freak whiskey and eggs. And he had like a mangled foot it. And then they chopped off at the end of the documentary. Oh, it's crazy, dude. They wheel. He was doing like. He was for real, like a huge musician. And he like, was off the road for a while. And it ends with him just doing a show in a pub. He was like a. Like, if he had like a cult.

[Shane Gillis]

Following exactly where he wanted to be.

[Matt McCusker]

Awesome, dude. It's real. He just goes back to a small Irish pub and just rips the show for like 40 people. Can't. Can't get up. It really was sitting down. He can't stand up anymore.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm sure everything hurts.

[Matt McCusker]

But no, dude, he couldn't get there. And then the funniest part was he didn't think of any of the legit. So he just showed up and like, no one had any idea where to plug anything in. He just was like, ah, I didn't plan this out at all. Do his dying day.

[Shane Gillis]

It'll work out though, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, he's a man. He's.

[Shane Gillis]

If I. If I end up back at Kelly's. Great run.

[Matt McCusker]

Huge, bro. Yeah, sit down at the stool.

[Shane Gillis]

Sit there.

[Matt McCusker]

Missing foot.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys want to hear Trump impression? Give me another Guinness. I'll do a trump impression.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he's the bro, dude. John Martin's absolute beast. He was. I think Eric Clapton covered one of his songs then him. He was like. He hung with like the big dogs. And also, dude, who was he? Phil Collins. Him and Phil Collins got divorced at the same time.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, nice.

[Matt McCusker]

And just lived in a house together. And both worked on separate albums. And they'd be in like recording and they'd have to take turns like fighting with their ex wives lives. And Phil Collins is like. It was honestly, like one of the saddest periods of my life hanging out with that guy. But he goes, I got a great album out of it. And the guy was a man. They would both be in the. Was that. Yeah, that's. Dude. Look at that. Give that bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Give him his respects, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Show him to the cam, man. John Martin, final form, absolute beast.

[Shane Gillis]

Let me take a look at that.

[Matt McCusker]

One foot in the pub, in the chair. He's so. Dude's so sick. I've been studying all the songs. He does like, crazy. Every song's in like the weirdest tuning possible. He just completely rearranged. What?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he's hammered.

[Matt McCusker]

And his live performances. Let me see that, John. Let me. Let me let the bro glimpse this, bro. Look at that. That is absolute heaven.

[Shane Gillis]

Bro, it's Kelly's wheelchair at the pump. That's Kelly.

[Matt McCusker]

He's the best. He's for real the best. Let me show you the before. The before and after is crazy. Yep, there he was. There he was just slowly eating a.

[Shane Gillis]

Ton of those eggs. Oh, bro, he got.

[Matt McCusker]

He got so big.

[Shane Gillis]

He could have eaten so many eggs.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I think one of his organ. One of his organs exploded. He turned into Robotnik, dude. Yeah. He's truly the fucking man. All of his live performances, he's like. You can hear how coked out he is the entire time. He's like, hello and all that. Whatever. Okay, now.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been wearing this shirt for seven days in a row. You might want to sit down. Win for me. Ah, come on now. Let's do it, dude. Him and his bro did an album for. Or a. Like a promo for an album where they were, like, supposed to be, like, boxers in a ring.

[Shane Gillis]

Just.

[Matt McCusker]

That was like, the picture. And then out of nowhere, like, while they're taking pictures, he just slugged his boy, obviously.

[Shane Gillis]

Obviously.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

He was absolutely the may own. Yeah. John Martin, he's. I've been getting real deep into his stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

Are you excited for the Oasis?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I'm.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't wait.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm very pumped on those guys.

[Shane Gillis]

We're gonna go see Oasis in Chicago.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that'll be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Very exciting.

[Matt McCusker]

That's. That's the best part. I like when guys do, like, in between songs, they just talk and around.

[Shane Gillis]

There's the, like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, caught him doing it. He's got it down. He's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

They're both. I watch. I watch their videos as much as I watch them listen to their music.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

They're YouTube videos of them just talking so funny. They have one interview with it. I love it when he's like, how do you handle hangovers? Back to the pub. Don't dwell on it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, English guys get after it, dude. Yeah, English guys don't. Apparently. The pints in America, I've learned, are. They're a lost art in England. It's like a whole. It's like as much detail as we put into, like, latte art over there. Like, getting that foam top on the beer is like a whole different thing. Their beer is more carbonated, apparently, so they want to. They fill. They overfill the beer on purpose to get that. I've been.

[Shane Gillis]

All these talks make me want to split the G a little.

[Matt McCusker]

I have an English bro who tasked me. He goes, if you. He showed me a Picture of a pint. He goes, if you know anywhere that serves a pint like this, let me know. I need, I need it, bro. But yeah, I have, I do like the. I'm on a big English kick right now.

[Shane Gillis]

It's good. They're funny.

[Matt McCusker]

They are. Do you see the meme of like the archetypal English life or life of an English guy? And it's like, no, it's just like.

[Shane Gillis]

A, it's like a true, a true Brexit geezer, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just like a seven step point or a checklist where it's like, you know, go to uni, graduate Thailand, trip with the boys, job here, beat wife, die, rocks. Yeah, they're good bros. The English are good bros. But definitely check out the. I think there's a couple John Martin documentaries. But dude, it's. This one is like, I watched it. I was like, damn. This is. This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, what was your favorite part of last football season?

[Matt McCusker]

Super Bowl.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

What are you most excited about for the upcoming season?

[Matt McCusker]

Super Bowl.

[Shane Gillis]

Super Bowl. Can't wait for the Super Bowl.

[Matt McCusker]

Super bowl guy.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll tell you what, Josh Allen, he's going to have a heck of a year. I'm excited to see what Aaron Rodgers does with the, with the Steelers. Yeah, I'm a big fan of Aaron Rodgers and he's a great guy. I've met him personally and he's extremely nice and if you don't cheer for him, you're just being a punk.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

All this football talk is getting me pumped and plump. Thankfully the football season is already underway on prize picks. Prize picks is offering season long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts. I'll tell you what, Prize picks is the best way to get on, get action in sports in more than 30 states including California, Texas and Georgia. So now that you and me are Texans, this is a good, good opportunity for us to use our sports knowledge.

[Matt McCusker]

All we have to do is pick more or less on everything.

[Shane Gillis]

All we have to do is download the app today and use Code Drench to get 50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Drench to get 50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks. Run your game. Oh lames.

[Matt McCusker]

Plug bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Plug in your magic show. Look at this.

[O'Brien]

Hey everybody, it's me, o'.

[Matt McCusker]

Bear.

[O'Brien]

I'm going to be coming to you out in New Jersey on the 26th.

[Shane Gillis]

Enough of this cute shit.

[Matt McCusker]

This Is what I do.

[Shane Gillis]

All right.

[O'Brien]

New Jersey on the 26th. FMPA Boston, Providence, Rhode Island. And then there's another place, Baltimore. I'm going to be around. Please come watch the shows. La Merely that fun.

[Matt McCusker]

You also, please go to my YouTube channel. Come my YouTube channel and just check it out. Please.

[Shane Gillis]

You fall every time. Every time you get up from your little cutesy thing. Hey, guys, I just added a bunch of shows just now. My tickets, please.

[Matt McCusker]

I just. That's like four feet away from where you were. It's a crazy size.

[Shane Gillis]

He's trying to get out of the camera. The camera got. He saw that red light. It got to him.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Goodbye.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna peep that.

[Matt McCusker]

But that's what he loved to do.

[Shane Gillis]

I watched a way worse documentary. Did I tell you this last week about the. The cameraman in Iraq? No, don't watch it. I forget what it's called. It was this guy who, like, it's a. It's a good documentary, but the way it ends is horrific.

[Matt McCusker]

What happens?

[Shane Gillis]

He's fallen. Soldiers around, they shoot an Iraqi and let him die.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, they, like, drag him. Because by law, we're supposed to. The United States is supposed to try to revive someone.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[Shane Gillis]

Like help them.

[Matt McCusker]

Was it a civilian?

[Shane Gillis]

No, he had a gun. He was shooting at them. So they were like. Yeah, but it's on camera. He just sits there and films this guy die. And you see the guy, like. Like, it's.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, fucked. That's the enemy, of course.

[Shane Gillis]

But, you know, watching it's fucked up filming, it's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

And then revive the guy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

We're supposed to at least give him medical attention.

[Matt McCusker]

We are the nicest dude.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

We could destroy.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That's so weird. It is weird. Like, you have to shoot them, but you also have to try to revive them. I mean, it's nice. I get the point. It's nice. But that's also fucking weird. Like, I guess you don't. I guess you want to just.

[Shane Gillis]

These guys didn't.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Sitting there like, you, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

If someone.

[Shane Gillis]

While he's laying there dying, the guy, that one of the troops comes over, he's like, oh, yeah, you thought you were cool a second ago. Now look at you.

[Matt McCusker]

You're.

[Shane Gillis]

You're dead.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. If someone was shooting at me, I'd be angry as well, though.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd be furious.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Especially after all the things they've seen.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Like you saw your friends get shot.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, exactly. That's such a weird one.

[Shane Gillis]

If somebody harmed you and I Saw them dying. I wouldn't be like, help them.

[Matt McCusker]

If somebody tried to end my life, I wouldn't be like, all right, guys, time out. Because then you can also get shot while you're helping the guy.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Unless, I mean, did they have. Into the shelter.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And just talk to him.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Put a blanket over his head. They're like, he's dead. Clearly not dead.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you can. But you can still talk shit to them and try to, like, put a band aid on them.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And this guy just filmed the whole thing.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So that was his.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought this guy was fucked, though. He was.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He was an Australian dude, and he was. He got to Iraq right away, like, right before the war started.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And he got, like, embedded with a bunch of people, but he became, like, a liaison between Al Qaeda. So Al Qaeda was giving him their tapes to give to the press. And he would go out with them at night. What, and film them firing mortars into, like, U.S. bases?

[Matt McCusker]

Dies.

[Shane Gillis]

He makes it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's crazy.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

What's it called? No, it's older.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Beezer]

I see one called the Cameraman story from 2003, and another one called. No, that can't be right. Honduras.

[Matt McCusker]

That's kind of how the. Do you even set that up? Like, yo, guys, I'm gonna. Can I have some of your.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I guess it is only the dead Michael Wares. Yeah, that must be it. Unless there's a different Australian version of that. Is that how that is our cow. He's in it. Yeah, that's it. That's how it ends. Is him filming a guy die for, like, 10 minutes?

[Matt McCusker]

Did the soldiers get in trouble?

[Shane Gillis]

I bet the soldiers got in trouble.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man. What a dick.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Why'd he film that? I don't know, but I guess it's his job.

[Shane Gillis]

When you watch it, you. There's. I know. You can't understand. We can't understand seeing dudes be like him. It's like, yeah, some harsh.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I mean, it's literally the harshest.

[Shane Gillis]

The worst thing.

[Matt McCusker]

Meanest you can be.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the worst. I was just laying on the couch watching, like, the. I gotta play with the Toledo Rockets. We gotta get some action.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but if you're like. I mean, it's not even competitive. Would not even be the word. But, like, I'd be. You'd be so charged up, dude. You're in a firefight. Yeah, I couldn't. You're not even thinking clear. That's what people talk about, like, cops and shit. It's like, dude, so they just got shot at.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So, yeah, he emptied a clip in him.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like.

[Matt McCusker]

It's not nice. You shouldn't do that. But it's like, bro, I'd be fight. Spaz the fuck out.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I can hardly not spaz. Like, driving with my wife.

[Shane Gillis]

Did they. The footage of him filming, it's like night vision of all the Al Qaeda guys is like. It's scary, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

And it was right when David. His name is David Pearl.

[Guest]

Right.

[Shane Gillis]

The guy got his head. The journalist.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no.

[Shane Gillis]

They got beheaded. So this guy. This guy was crazy. He was, like, willing that. He's like, yeah, I'll meet up with you guys. He might cut my head off, but.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah. Damn.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they show that a little. They show the Pearl thing a little in the documentary. That's a tough one.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's fucked up.

[Shane Gillis]

It's really. They, like, show it right before they cut his head. And then they. You hear his. The audio of it. It's so bad. Oh, no.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

It's never a clean swim. It's a knife. It's literally.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, Jesus.

[Shane Gillis]

Saw. Every time. Oh, yeah, it's really bad. Oh, you guys knew that the Iraq war was bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So I just found out. It's 2025.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm still confused how they even, like, fight wars now with all the technology. It's like. It's crazy. Like, you have satellites giving you all.

[Shane Gillis]

The images, but Ukraine, Russia is trench warfare.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Just with shitty, like, Walmart drones.

[Matt McCusker]

God damn.

[Shane Gillis]

Just come in and blow you up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but, like. Oh, man. I guess every. I guess everyone. Not everyone, but I guess the major powers have competing technology. So. Yeah, you can, like, do, like.

[Shane Gillis]

I think Russia would be going wild.

[Matt McCusker]

You would think? Are they not. Didn't hundreds of thousands of people die?

[Shane Gillis]

No, they. Yeah, a lot. But I just mean, like. Like, the technology. It's so weird. The technology now is like, you set up, like, fishing wire above your line so drones can't come in. Really? It's just like, lines. Yeah, there's just wires everywhere.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's up.

[Matt McCusker]

So it's a little like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, warfare with a canopy of, like, tiny wires.

[Matt McCusker]

Stop the drones.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's a. It's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

That's scary.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the scariest. Yeah, dude, watch. I mean, don't watch it.

[Matt McCusker]

I guess it's. It would have to. The canopy would have to be, like, the sides blockaded, too. So you have, like a tunnel every.

[Shane Gillis]

Once in a while. I've seen drone footage of one Getting into like a tunnel.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And the drones are just like doing little robots.

[Shane Gillis]

Drones. They're literally like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah, like the shitty Walmart drones. But are they weaponized?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they just tie a fucking grenade to it. So scary.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. I mean, dude, let's. Yeah, we got to all come to the table. Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

They came to the table this week, I heard.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's good.

[Shane Gillis]

It was nice. I watched the Trump dog, Zelinsky, Macron. I watched him at a table.

[Matt McCusker]

They were buddies, but there was no Russians at the table.

[Shane Gillis]

Putin was not there. They're trying to get one of his bros. No, it was just. I think it was like a securities guarantee. I forget exactly what that is with Ukraine.

[Matt McCusker]

Isn't it going in the way of, like, Russia is going to get a little bit of Ukraine? I don't think they're going to take it over.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the. That's like the problem.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Zelinsky is saying, we're not going to concede that territory.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And. But also, we won't join NATO. That's kind of the. It's kind of the big thing.

[Matt McCusker]

All right.

[Shane Gillis]

And I think Russia wants Ukraine to demilitarize, which. Yeah, if I'm Ukraine, I'm going.

[Matt McCusker]

Not so fast.

[Shane Gillis]

True. On a second.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. They're just like completely coming in with, yeah, we're leave.

[Shane Gillis]

But. But you don't. You don't get to have guns anymore. Oh, we'll be back in five years.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. I don't know. Maybe. I mean.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I like seeing Trump on the roof, dude. When he was walking around the roof.

[Matt McCusker]

What was he doing on the roof?

[Shane Gillis]

He's just up there taking a walk. He was on the roof of the White house. Reporters like, Mr. President, what are you doing? He was just going for a walk. I like that. Before you go to the negotiating table, stroll around on the roof like fucking Zeus at Spud's house. This guy's retarded. As.

[Matt McCusker]

He just took a roof stroll, took.

[Shane Gillis]

A mad dog walk, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Was it like a. Like a.

[Shane Gillis]

There's nothing up there. There's no, like, garden or anything. The roof is like H VAC units. He was just walking around up there. What? Why are you up there?

[Matt McCusker]

Hopefully they figure it out, man. Cuz we got.

[Shane Gillis]

That's good, though. Before a meeting. Yeah, get on the roof, stand on the roof, watch the. Watch your guests come in.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, like Batman. I mean, dude. And I'm. I'm still mystified, like, how much I like. Like, it's a Dumb question. But, like, how much say does the President really have? And do they have, like, the final word for real? Or they're people being like, yo, bro, like, now you have to. Because I guess they're just getting advised.

[Shane Gillis]

And then if we're talking deep state, I guess he's not.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You know what I mean? But it is tight to just get up on the roof. Like, I'm making a big decision right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Just thinking up here. He didn't even say he was thinking. He literally. A reporter yelled and he goes, just taking a walk. Jesus Christ. I'm back, though. That's all it takes. Give me one shot of him walking on the roof. I'm like, yo, that's the bro.

[Matt McCusker]

Guys, if I forget about the list.

[Shane Gillis]

I forgot about Epstein.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Forget about the list, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. The letter. The letter is. Hopefully it's not real.

[Shane Gillis]

They did. Trump continues to just do the best work of all time. Never bring it up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, this will pass. It will.

[Shane Gillis]

These will. Forget about it.

[Matt McCusker]

It will. It'll pass. It'll. It will. It is. It is funny just to be like, bro, like, man, that's such old. That's old hat, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

That's such old news. Yeah, I've been. I've been seeing, because it reminded me of that because they used a lot of the Dems use, like, weirdo on a lot of their pubs.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they're getting weird.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Now there's. I. I get a lot of, like, parenting stuff, and now there's people going viral and they all do it. There's, like, they all see one thing and then they start copying it. But there's a bunch of, like, parenting experts being like, like, don't make your kid weird. You know what I'm talking about? And everyone's like, yeah, it's just like a weird, like, like, what are you talking about? And what.

[Shane Gillis]

He's gonna be weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

If you're a parent watching Tick Tocks about not making them weird.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Shane Gillis]

You got a weird kid. I think my kid who's been sitting on a couch watching me play A Dynasty with Toledo, he's gonna beat the out of your kids.

[Matt McCusker]

Chill.

[Shane Gillis]

He's been watching Grind the film, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

But it's like, it is weird. They're coming out being and it's like. I don't know if it's, like, purposely, like, to get people to argue in the comments, but it's like, you need to make them not Weird. It's your responsibility and you know what I'm talking about. It's people being like, oh, I know what he's talking about. It's like they're all weird as hell.

[Shane Gillis]

Is it like homophobic?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I, I don't think it is.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, dude, don't make it, maybe that would be, you know what the I'm talking about. Dude, don't make me say it. Your kid better not be weird.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know what they're talking about.

[Shane Gillis]

That gay at my school.

[Matt McCusker]

That'S been coming up for me a lot. Just being like you. It's your job to correct that. Teachers have to deal with weird kids and it's not fair. It's like, what are you saying?

[Shane Gillis]

I get it. I'm with the teachers on that. I, I, there's having weird ass kids show up to school.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but they're like, you can't. That's just like your parents are. I always, I always equated it to if you had like super nerd parents. Yeah, you're going to raise a nerd. Same with fat. Yeah, fat families are a thing.

[Shane Gillis]

There's no harm in the, the nerd kid.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean he's gonna just, I mean as a teacher.

[Shane Gillis]

As long as he's a smart nerd. Yeah, that was, that was a big revelation.

[Matt McCusker]

Dumb nerds.

[Shane Gillis]

Dumb nerds. They're mostly dumb. It's not Big Bang Theory. They're dumb as, yeah. And they're mean dumb.

[Matt McCusker]

I, I got in college, I cheated off the nerdiest looking kid and he was a dumb nerd, like 74. So I was like, what the.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, why do you look like that?

[Matt McCusker]

You can't even walk normal. I figured you would ace this test.

[Shane Gillis]

You walk fast as hell, dude, I thought you were the smartest kid alive.

[Matt McCusker]

You walk in a 45 degree incline so fast. Yeah, I was just like, this kid was like such a wretched nerd that I was like, bingo, here's my ticket through this class. I got a 75.

[Shane Gillis]

Laughing cuz he was a dumb nerd. I would have thought you were a Super genius, dude.

[O'Brien]

45 degree angle guy.

[Shane Gillis]

He got me 90 pound book bag, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

On his tippy toes at all times.

[Shane Gillis]

Tippy toe walker, no friends, giant book bag. This kid's gonna get a 95.

[Matt McCusker]

You'd think you crushed the bio exam. My mom gave me a booklet of like basically grade school of like all my report cards, pictures, all this stuff. Dude, I did so good from like first to third grade. I didn't really I was, like, crushing it in school. I. I didn't. I don't even remember this. I had, like. Like in first grade, I was in, like, the Garnet Valley newspaper for spelling bee. Apparently I was a spelling whiz when I was little. I can't. I can't spell diarrhea. Still, to save my life every time I might.

[Shane Gillis]

Is impossible.

[Matt McCusker]

I might get a private tutor just to teach me how to spell diarrhea. Every time I try to write a text message, I try to write it, like, four times.

[Shane Gillis]

It's about so badly, it's not even. No one's close. Spell check's not even close.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't dream.

[Shane Gillis]

Your daughter. It's like, no.

[Matt McCusker]

Every time diary. I'm like, dude, come on. You know what I'm talking about.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, exactly what I'm talking about, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It's been really funny just going back through all my report cards. I was such a good little kid. I was, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

I was the number one.

[Matt McCusker]

You were.

[Shane Gillis]

You were good boy till seventh or eighth.

[Matt McCusker]

Till puberty, I think. Fourth.

[Shane Gillis]

I think I got straight A's until, like, seventh or eighth grade.

[Matt McCusker]

I turned bad in, like, fourth.

[Shane Gillis]

I remember I got a C, my last report card ever, in eighth grade.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

I had to call my parents. I was getting C, and they were like, I don't give a dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I was getting O's and VGs. Religion. I was, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

I think when I was real young, like, first and third, I was getting some. I was a bad kid.

[Matt McCusker]

Really? Yeah, I was. I was a good boy, bro. I thought I was, like, bad when I was young. I remember getting in trouble, but I was getting, like. It was kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

It wasn't, like, bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I was just getting, like, redirected.

[Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But no, I. I also. And it's funny.

[Shane Gillis]

It wasn't like, getting kicked out of school for being a sex person.

[Matt McCusker]

No. That was off the table. I do. It's funny seeing, like, reading the. You wrote.

[Shane Gillis]

I keep cutting you off. I'm so sorry.

[Matt McCusker]

Please.

[Shane Gillis]

My dad would beat the. Out of me if I got kicked out of a school for being a sex pervert.

[Matt McCusker]

Wasn't. It wasn't an option, bro. I would get.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, I would get beat. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

No, that was.

[Shane Gillis]

It wouldn't be like, a belt or anything. It would be like a fist fight.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Beating this disrespect was a big one. If I, like. If I dress code violations, he'd be like, come on, man.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If I was, like, disrespectful, I would get my ass kicked.

[Shane Gillis]

No offense to your parenting. I'm just putting myself in the shoes of them finding porn at school. I'm getting the people.

[Beezer]

Well, that teacher shouldn't have went through my thing for sure. She was. And she was always. Or that guy's counsel. She was always on my ass. They. It was a whole long thing.

[Shane Gillis]

It might be that that's a positive of having African American parents.

[Guest]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Like, did you even have a warrant to go through his phone? My parents would have been like, you did the right thing, sir.

[Beezer]

Yeah, they did. My mom. Neither one of them did that. They were.

[Shane Gillis]

They were mad at it, but. Do you have a war, my son? Ain't no sex murder. No, it wasn't. It wasn't.

[Beezer]

I don't remember, man. Yeah, I was 16.

[Shane Gillis]

16? Yeah.

[Beezer]

10Th grade.

[Matt McCusker]

16.

[Beezer]

Yeah. 16 now.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I guess that's old enough that I wouldn't have got my ass beat.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Beezer]

And the pictures was just.

[Shane Gillis]

It was just pictures.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah. Picture pics. Getting kicked out of school, though, I would have got. It would have been the apocalypse. If I got kicked out, it would have been game over.

[Shane Gillis]

I got in school suspension. My dad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Belted me.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You get in trouble for. When did you get in school suspension?

[Shane Gillis]

Seventh, eighth grade.

[Matt McCusker]

School in school suspension.

[Shane Gillis]

Eighth grade.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's a death sentence.

[Shane Gillis]

Got the belt.

[Matt McCusker]

By the time I got in high school, it wasn't. Yeah. By the time.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't do anything that bad.

[Matt McCusker]

What'd you do?

[Shane Gillis]

Laughed because my friend farted during Stations of the Cross.

[Matt McCusker]

That's.

[Shane Gillis]

And then when I got detention, I yelled, he farted. And she was like, that's two in one day. That's in school suspension. You're out. Get out. Stood in the hallway, cried. Just going, my dad's gonna beat the.

[Matt McCusker]

Out of me.

[Shane Gillis]

I called it. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. My dad chilled. By the time we got to high school, it was just. You just get.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It wasn't getting, like, you weren't good because I got suspended in high school.

[Shane Gillis]

Crazy to belt me in high school, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, six, three by then. Yeah, by then. You're too big by then. Like, especially, like, you know, me and my three brothers could have ganged up, try to do some damn.

[Shane Gillis]

I started beating Phil's ass.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you?

[Shane Gillis]

Junior and senior year, he would have won in a fistfight. But wrestling, I could tackle him and hold him down.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought I could. I stepped up to my dad freshman year, and he, like, picked me up.

[Shane Gillis]

Freshman year, Freshman. Sophomore year, he was still hitting me.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I Told you. I got slapped in the face for drinking. He's like, did you drink?

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

When the fuck dad took my shirt off. I was like, I'll fucking fight you right now, you fucking pussy. I run back upstairs and crack, cry, cry to my mom that I'd run back downstairs and I'll beat your ass. You're a drunk. I'm not a drunk.

[Matt McCusker]

Just having like four fruit punching vodkas. For real.

[Shane Gillis]

I was wearing a white Michael Vic jersey. It's covered in fruit punch. And I kept coming down the steps. Y. You piece of. He was drunk enough that he was talking back. He was like, yeah, right. I'll you up. He's like, as a dad, you got to be like, shut up. I think he actually tried to shut up like, five times.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I stepped to my dad one time, I think, freshman year. I was like, what, dude? What are you really gonna do? And he was. He just, like, stared at me for several seconds. It was like, get the out of my face and go upstairs. And I was like, yeah. I was like, thank God. Yeah, I was so. I was, like, swaying on my feet drunk. And he was probably just tidy whites. Just being like, bro, I now especially knowing how angry they were, like, dude, there was. They were dying. Six kids just working.

[Shane Gillis]

One of them taking his shirt off, being like, you piece of. I'll beat your ass. Just going, dude, go to bed.

[Matt McCusker]

Just doing.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, shed. I was full shed, dude, hard physical lady. The body cam video. The guy at the hospital or the. The guy at the hotel? We didn't watch that.

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you would have loved it.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you just.

[Shane Gillis]

Chris o' Connor showed me. It's just this extremely drunk guy at a hotel. The cops just keep being like, like, shad, go to bed. His name's Shad. S H A. Chad is crazy. And he's like, no, no, I'm not going to bed. You like, shad, come on, dude, just go to bed. He's like, no, I'm not doing it. It's an hour.

[Matt McCusker]

When you left, you put on cops.

[Shane Gillis]

Big body cam footage right now.

[Matt McCusker]

You left a good video. The guy probably was beating his girlfriend. They were both kind of like coked up and drunk. And he was sitting outside and they were just like, dude, just. If you leave, all you gotta do is leave. All you gotta do is leave out of here. And he would take his sneaker and be like, fuck you. Just throw it on the ground. And then finally they, like, he starts to walk away. And then one cop is like, kind of knowing, like, dude, we can't send this. This guy's a loose cannon. They're like, come on, man. He's like, I thought he said I could leave. They're like, now you're under arrest. He's like, fine. Then he just goes. Car just goes, bang, slams his head. He goes, why'd you guys make me do that?

[Shane Gillis]

Love doing that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's a sick move.

[Shane Gillis]

There's my favorite one I just watched recently. It was a domestic dispute. The. But it looked like it was clearly the lady because the guy was all up and she was fine.

[Matt McCusker]

And cops are good at sniffing that out.

[Shane Gillis]

She might have had a couple before that with different guys, but they go. They go inside, they interview everybody, and then they come back outside. She's the one who was like, get him. Get him right now. She, like, walked up to the cops.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like that's a rule of thumb. The first person you see in a domestic dispute was the beater.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

I swear to God, every time they.

[Shane Gillis]

Spin her around to put the cuffs on the back of her shirt, it's a giant logo of a twisted tea. And it says, it's a bad day to be a twisted tea. So nice getting arrested in the bad day to be twisted.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, there. You know how many people across the country caught the twisted fury from their wives and girlfriends just to hit you.

[Shane Gillis]

And go to battle, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Full twisted metal hits you and calls the cops. Cops come, you're just like, jesus Christ.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Just got off of work. Yeah, that's hell. That's truly hell. Yeah. I. I've never, like. I constantly marvel at how hard the wheels can come off in a home life. And it's not that hard, dude. It can happen so easily. Just, like. It's just not that hard. Especially if you grow up and you have, like, no decent example.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And you just. Now you're married, and you're like, hold on a second. I remember what to do.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

If she yells, I can make her stop yelling.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe my stepdad was right after all these.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, maybe My mom was a. My stepdad was the man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna hit her. I'm gonna see what happens. I'm gonna throw a jab. Throw a combo in the kitchen.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's crazy. There's no classes on that. If you grow up just on, like, how did, like, coexist peacefully? Like, nobody knows how to do it even.

[Shane Gillis]

No one could calm a lady down.

[Matt McCusker]

Nobody can do it. No one on earth. But you said, like, if you. You could barely read, you Have. You're just. It's just your daily experience. You have like, maybe an old grandfather who was like, in the picture, worked at a factory. Now you got to deal with an angry drunk lady.

[Shane Gillis]

And also, also, you're wrecked.

[Matt McCusker]

You're hammered.

[Shane Gillis]

You're hammered. It's a bad day. To me, it was a terrible day to be a twisted.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm not saying it's right, but it's like, it's. That's, like that's in pot. It's an impossible situation for anyone to figure out, let alone somebody on like, like maybe a seventh grade reading level. Being like, you're getting absolutely mind. By a lady after you're working at a job that sucks and she's drunk, and you're drunk. To try to peacefully figure your way out of that maze, I would say is impossible. And again, you can't hit it.

[Shane Gillis]

Especially she. She swings first. It kind of hurts. Yeah, you go. I didn't think that was going to hurt. You scratch my face.

[Matt McCusker]

It hurts.

[Guest]

Now you.

[Shane Gillis]

Now you go. I can't let you get close. You shoot the legs.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You're just reacting. You're reacting.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't let you get close. Shoot the legs full on. Hamza. Adam.

[Matt McCusker]

The cops come and just beat the. Out of you. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Then you get your ass beat by the cops.

[Matt McCusker]

Cops come kick your ass. Although I'm telling you, cops. I. I've just heard enough stories where they're pretty good at ferreting out when it was just a lady going nuts.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Because they'll come. I've heard enough.

[Shane Gillis]

People think if a guy goes nuts, it's obvious.

[Matt McCusker]

That's kind of.

[Shane Gillis]

I think that's the case damaged.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. I think that's their indicator. It's like. Yeah. You know, if this guy hit you, you'd be like, for real.

[Guest]

Up. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. I could be wrong. And usually those guys aren't suddenly smart enough to be playing it cool in front of the cops.

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Usually they're back in the house and they're like, I have a gun in here. You have to kill me.

[Matt McCusker]

Get the out of my house.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I have a gun.

[Matt McCusker]

I think if you just come up and just see a dude sitting on the front porch just like holding his head, you're like, all right, here's a victim right here. If someone just like, like pacing their porch, like.

[Shane Gillis]

Off my property. You got a warrant?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That's hell, man. It can really descend into a hellscape so easily.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's Terrible.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And it's. I feel like it's. I'm not going to say the norm, but it's like, if you're like a bad neighborhood, the house is.

[Shane Gillis]

A lot of times, well, now it's criminalized.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

You know?

[Matt McCusker]

True. That's true.

[Shane Gillis]

Today it was fully legalized. We're a little quiet. Yeah, they said legal. We gotta legalize it, dude. Tired of this government regulation.

[Matt McCusker]

That must have been crazy to be the first group of dudes where they're like, no, no, no, no, no.

[Shane Gillis]

I think it was, like, the 90s, dude. I think it was our parents.

[Matt McCusker]

It was. Yeah, yeah, they. True. Yeah, True. We deal with pronouns. They have to deal with not absolutely gut punching.

[Shane Gillis]

Not those in the combo. Not going straight to the body. Going straight to the body. Hooks.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, you're in. You're deep into. You're deep in the ninth inning of an argument. It's like, no, you said this, and you're like, I can't remember what I said. Yeah, I'm gonna do the annexation of Puerto Rico, dude, it's time.

[Shane Gillis]

It's time for my trick play. Philly special.

[Matt McCusker]

Philly.

[Shane Gillis]

Philly. Dude, you're get. Hitting the headset, talking to the coach. Philly. Philly.

[Guest]

You want to run it?

[Shane Gillis]

Yep. Let's run it.

[Matt McCusker]

I still think we should legalize bouncer protocol, because if you're a bouncer, they get to deal with angry drunk women. You know, you have to do it. You have to get them on the side of your hip, fold their arms across their breasts, and you can physically remove them from the. The establishment. That's legal.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If you don't feel like arguing anymore, you should be able to come here. Fold her arms across her chest. We're gonna do another. Bounce her into another room, and then.

[Shane Gillis]

Just backyard her sprint, bro.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You'Ll be howling at the moon. You can't backyard them.

[Shane Gillis]

But it's like that's riding the tiger, though, you know? I mean, that's holding the tiger's ears on the tiger by the ears. You go, I can't let go. I gotta toss you in the backyard.

[Matt McCusker]

You should just have two safe rooms where you.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like you should just get a panic room.

[Matt McCusker]

A panic.

[Shane Gillis]

Next time you fight your wife, you press a button, a bookshelf closes. Panicry was nice.

[Matt McCusker]

That's nice. And I like people who barricade themselves. Barricaders are nice. When you just for some reason, stack, like, four mattresses in front of your door, the cops come kick it in I know I've talked about it before, but it makes me laugh every time.

[Shane Gillis]

Barricading.

[Matt McCusker]

Barricaders are so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a sick move.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just like a mental. It's like some form of mental break where you're like, I. I don't want anyone to get in here ever again. But you don't have like enough stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

And the door ends up opening, out you go. A. They got right through my barricade.

[Matt McCusker]

It's just one piss soaked mattress. You're like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Door opens, out you get tased. It sucks.

[Matt McCusker]

I always forget though, watching the. Watching cops and seeing dudes get chased down, man, it's like the gear those cops have on them. It's crazy that you get caught. I don't know if I'm just cocky from hitting the track, but it's like you're.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd get hawked down by anybody.

[Matt McCusker]

They're not. A lot of them aren't running like that though.

[Shane Gillis]

Doesn't matter. I'm getting hawked.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna shed some tackles though.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Pad level.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you're gonna get some dirty.

[Shane Gillis]

Watch it, dude. I'm nice in the. They knew I had top speed. They didn't know I could also beat you in the shuttle.

[Matt McCusker]

You would get dirty yards. Sure.

[Shane Gillis]

I get a lot of dirty yards. Bounce recovery, that backside coming. Come on, man. You get arm tackle from backside. Dn you can't. You can't run on my team.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I'm saying.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Dude, I still want to do a community day where you do a thing where like you can have cops try to catch you. They have all their gear on and you just go to like a big football field and like maybe some like, obstacles and you run an obstacle course with cops trying to like use their radios to catch you. That would be so fun.

[Shane Gillis]

I think you can arrange that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that'd be sick.

[Shane Gillis]

Don't bring those honk ass firefighters.

[Matt McCusker]

No, I'm keeping them.

[Shane Gillis]

Bring them and you can have them block for me. Yeah, or you can sneak one. You can join the cops. You know, we're tasing firefighters. Firefighters are gonna try to escape. You should put up a battle. You should get a battle going. Cops versus firefighters.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Firefighters get hoses, cops get tasers.

[Matt McCusker]

I think cops are firefighters. Flag football game would be nice. I can be steady.

[Shane Gillis]

Q Tackle.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, tackle. Foot would be nice.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They all have good insurance, so if they, like get hurt, who cares? It'll be fine. Yeah, I might. I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

Speaking of ball, though, I gotta. I gotta address the. Yes. I wore Texas gear in a commercial, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

So what, are people coming down on you for that?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Christoph Waltz is not actually a Nazi. Sometimes actors take on roles, dude. What the.

[Matt McCusker]

Wait, what's. You have to fill me in. I don't know.

[Shane Gillis]

A Bud Light commercial just came out. It's. We're supposed to be Texas fans.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So what. What's. Where's the.

[Shane Gillis]

Call me a trader for not wearing not. Well, like I'm saying, I'm actually a Notre Dame fan.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

But, you know, it's. I'm an actor, dude. It's a Bud Light commercial. I'm acting. I'm a thespian, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you're playing. You had to get deep into the character.

[Shane Gillis]

I had to pretend I actually said that because when we were filming Madden. I'm obviously a Raiders. I support the Raiders. And they were like. Like, you have to do interviews and stuff there. And they're like, how do you feel? How do you think the Eagles fans are gonna feel about this? I was like, I don't know. Guys play Nazis in movies. What the.

[Matt McCusker]

Matt Damon, like, sucked a guy's dick in a movie.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He didn't actually say.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I mean, he didn't do it. He straddled a guy.

[Shane Gillis]

That's worse.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, true.

[Shane Gillis]

You know about straddling. His name was Matt Davis.

[Matt McCusker]

Double. He could have had a gay stunt double.

[Beezer]

What do you mean I had a gay stunt double?

[Matt McCusker]

No, you do your own styles.

[Shane Gillis]

You're Jackie Chan, bro. Jackie Chan when it comes to the stunts.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but Matt. Matt Damon rocked that role. I will say. I don't know. I never saw it behind the candelabra.

[Shane Gillis]

I heard it was good.

[Matt McCusker]

It's so good. He's so gay in it, bro. It's like. It's genuinely impressive.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, the greatest one I watched was one you told me to watch, the Literace.

[Matt McCusker]

That was fantastic.

[Shane Gillis]

Great show.

[Matt McCusker]

He crushed it.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Who was. What's. Who was that?

[Shane Gillis]

That's played that guy? Andrew Canannon.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. Who played him, though? That guy has, like, a major. He's a phenomenal actor. Yeah. The Andrew Cananan.

[Shane Gillis]

Still watch the Menendez brothers one? No, it's the same show like they did oj.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. Who played. Who played?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know, but they. It was great. You're gonna really like it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's right up your alley, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

And you gotta watch Eddington. What's anything It's a new movie that came out. It's again, perfect for you.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

It sounds like one of something you would write.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes. Oh, I think I know you're talking about talking about this. Yeah, I gotta. I gotta get to it, man. I've been.

[Shane Gillis]

The ending is like. You wrote it.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That's pumping me up.

[Shane Gillis]

For real. I was thinking it while I was watching it. This is exactly Ari Aster don't care Beast True directors. No, he's a beast. He wrote. He wrote Hereditary Dude Hail payment.

[Matt McCusker]

Did he really?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Payment. No.

[O'Brien]

Ari Aster has the craziest student film. It's called what's up with the Johnsons? I don't know.

[Guest]

I don't wanna.

[Shane Gillis]

I wanna.

[Matt McCusker]

How much does it cost to just like film a short? Like a 25 minute movie?

[Shane Gillis]

Probably not that much.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, right.

[Sean Gardini]

Yeah, I guess on the equipment.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been thinking about trying to write and direct a short dude.

[O'Brien]

Probably 40 GS.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, if you.

[Matt McCusker]

If. Yeah, nothing crazy. It would just be. Yeah. Talking some interesting.

[Shane Gillis]

Watch Eddington. Watch the end.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll check it out. I'll check it out.

[Shane Gillis]

Do me a kindness. Try to peep it tonight.

[Matt McCusker]

I will. No, I'm not.

[Shane Gillis]

Stay up late.

[Matt McCusker]

There's no. I'm gonna be. I get to go the. Oh, late as hell.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But I do have a flight. I have a flight coming up. So I'll download it on my phones. Yeah, and I'll watch on my phones.

[Shane Gillis]

You're gonna like it.

[Matt McCusker]

I think if it's a movie you described to me, I think I would.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It's Joaquin Phoenix. One of the goats.

[Matt McCusker]

He's the best. I'll watch Eddington on the flight. You have my word.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

All right, good stuff. Nate's not testing.

[Matt McCusker]

Not at all.

[Shane Gillis]

He is not trip planner by Expedia. You were made to outdo your holiday, your hammocking and your pooling. We were made to help organize the competition.

[Matt McCusker]

Expedia made to travel.