Ep 574 - War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast — Episode 574

“War of the Butt Wipes (feat. James McCann)”

Release Date: August 28, 2025
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guest: James McCann

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Episode Overview

In this rollicking episode, Matt and Shane are joined by Australian comedian James McCann for a freewheeling conversation spanning everything from childhood embarrassment and gaming addiction to the "war for the butt wipes" that has taken over the comedy podcast scene. True to form, the trio brings mix absurdity, honesty, and sharp comedic banter while exploring their parenting adventures, generational masculinity, sports drama, and the evolving landscape of stand-up. Notably, the comedians riff hard on the prominence of "Dude Wipes" in podcast ad wars, comedic tribalism, and the lighter and heavier controversies of both the comedy and sporting worlds.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Pale Asses and the Legacy of 'Tiny Heinies'

• [00:09 – 02:00]
  • Shane complaints about a poorly “blurred” video mishap that left friends thinking his junk was visible:
    • “You could have used a black blur. Black box would have been great. Fleshy blur. It looked like my...”— Shane Gillis [00:09]
  • The duo shares stories about their pale “medieval dynasty” butts, with Shane joking that Sigourney Weaver shares his “pale peasant’s ass” in Alien:
    • “Sigourney Weaver just has my ass for no reason. Take a look at Sigourney Weaver's ass in Alien. She's got a full-on pale peasant's ass, dude.”— Shane Gillis [01:05 & 01:13]
  • Cultural observation on shifting standards of body aesthetics:
    • “I don't think women can survive with an ass like that anymore.”— Matt [01:37]

2. Childhood 'Goon Boon' and Questing for Nudity

• [02:00 – 02:44]
  • Reminiscence about the lengths kids went to in the VHS era to spot nudity in films like Leprechaun or music videos.
  • Parental discovery horror:
    • “Tits and leprechaun was the first time I got in trouble from my parents. Came into the basement at my friend's house and we had it paused on tits and leprechaun.”— Shane Gillis [02:01]

3. Gaming Addiction: The Medieval Dynasty Saga

• [02:55 – 10:15]
  • Shane confesses to being late for a “big Hollywood meeting” because he stayed up until 4 a.m. playing the video game Medieval Dynasty:
    • “Not because I was out partying... but because I was up till 4am playing Medieval Dynasty. I was literally chopping trees for six hours gathering sticks.”— Shane Gillis [02:56]
  • Details his addictive gameplay: village-building, late-night basket weaving, cherry juice pawning, and the generational mechanics of the game—dying and continuing as your son.
  • Matt is both incredulous and supportive, celebrating Shane’s massive in-game accomplishments and creative dishonesty:
    • “My wife gave me as a gift, dude. I didn't want to do it, but... I'm gonna tell her I drank it.”— Shane Gillis [08:04 & 08:12]

4. The Rising War for the Butt Wipes: Comedy, Sponsorship, and Satire

• [08:27 – 17:36]
  • The episode’s meta-theme: the tongue-in-cheek “Comedy Wars” and securing coveted podcast sponsors, especially “Dude Wipes.”
  • Multiple ad-reads are woven into the banter, lampshading the absurdity of toilet humor and advertising language:
    • “If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A hole to your B hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that funny?”— Shane Gillis [08:27]
    • Matt as the voice of a “butthole,” lamenting dietary assaults:
      • “I'm your butthole. Yeah. Me. The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body.”— Matt [13:20]
  • Comedic mourning over the potential of losing sponsors due to exposure mishaps:
    • “If his penis slips out, we lose all our butt wipes.”— Matt [17:12]

5. Parenting, Pools, and Museum Adventures

• [25:25 – 35:20]
  • James discusses the challenges and delights of taking his kids to the Thinkery (children’s science museum) and the odd, social energy of such spaces.
  • Tales of inflatable pools and above-ground pools as emblems of humble family fun vs. ‘white trash’ aesthetics.
  • Riding bikes, teaching life skills, and reminiscing about helmet-less childhoods:
    • “My dad took me to the top of a hill... just launched me. Went straight into these bushes.”— Shane Gillis [34:45]

6. Sport: Football Season and Aussie Rules Drama

• [35:38 – 42:13]
  • Brief detour into American football season excitement, fantasy picks, and commercialization, with typical tongue-in-cheek asides about "grinding the tape."
  • James laments an Australian football star’s four-week suspension for an on-field insult, the cultural context of sport, and the increasing integration/balance with women’s leagues.

7. Comedy Scene Tribalism & The Butt Wipe Economy

• [54:47 – 60:14]
  • Satirical mapping of regions (Austin, New York, Philly, LA) as warring comedy “nations,” with the Austin scene cast as a rising power blockading the butt wipes economy.
  • Comedians compare themselves (especially Philly comics) to “the Jews of comedy,” always migrating, hoarding, and moving on as needed:
    • “We’re like the Jews of the comedies. We got kicked out of New York. Every four years, we come in, we take all the butt wipes, we go, yeah, we’re going back to Philly.”— Matt [58:52]

8. Disability, Ramps, and Comedy Inclusion

• [55:40 – 57:48]
  • Mock-serious debate about the number and quality of disabled comedians in various cities, the accessibility of clubs, and how being "strapped down" creates drive:
    • “You think because of the disability, this guy must be a sweetheart... This guy's a little nasty fuck.”— Shane Gillis [55:49]

9. Urban Oddities: Horses, Stables, and Cultural Differences

• [32:54 – 34:18]
  • Reminiscing about growing up in neighborhoods with horses in small yards and the tradition of urban horseback riding, including the Philly “concrete cowboys.”
    • “The best thing I ever saw in Austin was a black guy on a horse just in a suburb… texting.”— James [33:04]

10. Jokey Observations on Slurs, Language, and Ancient Migrations

• [70:00 – 73:17]
  • Closing digressions on ethnic slurs in the U.S. vs. Australia, how Nazis fled to Argentina, and musings on Polynesian migrations:
    • “Lionel Messi’s awfully white.”— Shane Gillis [72:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Sigourney Weaver’s "Peasant Ass":
  “Medieval dynasty ass. Sigourney Weaver's ass in the movie is... She's got a man's ass. She's got a nice pale Irish ass.”— [Shane Gillis, 01:13 & 01:33]

• On Gaming Addiction:
  “I was literally chopping trees for six hours gathering sticks... There's no reward in the game.”— [Shane Gillis, 02:56 & 05:12]

• On Butt Wipes Sponsorship:
  “Are you tired of juggling rolls, Matt? They leave no room for dingleberries... or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss.”— [Shane Gillis, 09:00]

• On Comedy Scene Rivalries:
  “LA and New York need to unite to destroy the Austin comedy scene. How are they going to stop it? We have all the butt wipes.”— [Shane Gillis, 54:56]

• On Philly Comics:
  “We’re like the Jews of comedy... We got kicked out of New York. Every four years, we come in, we take all the butt wipes, we go, ‘yeah, we’re going back to Philly.’”— [Matt, 58:52]

• On Disabled Comics:
  “You think because of the disability, this guy must be a sweetheart... This guy's a little nasty fuck.”— [Shane Gillis, 55:49]

• On Parenting and Pools:
  “Me and Maya did an inflatable pool in our front yard yesterday... My wife was hating on me. She's like, you look like white trash out here.”— [Matt, 30:23 & 30:43]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00 – 02:00: Jokes about body exposure and the cult of "tiny heinies"
• 02:44 – 10:15: Medieval Dynasty game obsession, virtual village-building, and comedic parenting
• 08:27 – 17:36: "Dude Wipes" ad-read riot and the "war for the butt wipes"
• 25:25 – 35:20: Parenting, kid’s museums, and the infinite quest for child entertainment
• 32:54 – 34:18: Urban horses and "concrete cowboys"
• 35:38 – 42:13: Sports banter: NFL & Australian Football League drama
• 54:47 – 60:14: Comedy civil wars, butt wipe sponsorship economy, and regional sniping
• 55:40 – 57:48: Disabled comedians and club accessibility
• 70:00 – 73:17: Closing: Ancient language origins, Nazis in Argentina, and Polynesian voyaging

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

The episode is packed with irreverence, inside-baseball comedy talk, and affectionate, self-deprecating camaraderie. The conversation flows seamlessly between personal anecdotes, societal and media satire, and genuine reflections on family and ambition. While much is played for laughs, there’s a palpable undercurrent of nostalgia, pride, and loving mockery—especially when the trio reflects on shifting generational standards, the business of modern comedy, and navigating the messy, hilarious intersection between public success and private oddity.

If you missed the episode, let this summary serve as your “butt wipe”—no muss, no fuss, all the best bits from a comedic trio at their loose, raucous best.

Transcript

[James]

Wild, wild west.

[Shane Gillis]

Let's. Let's keep an eye on my. My balls this time through the blur. So much the blur made it worse.

[Matt]

The blur.

[Shane Gillis]

You did that on purpose. You could have used a black blur. Black box would have been great. Fleshy blur. It looked like my. I had so many people, my friends text me like, was your dick and nuts really out? I'm really sorry about that, Sean. You reveled in it. You rebel.

[Matt]

For real.

[Shane Gillis]

He was texting me like, he was like, really sorry. I was like, dude, I swear to God, I don't.

[James]

What did you.

[Matt]

What did you catch? Like, you catch. You caught like slut cleavage and then you got a little bit of butchy.

[Shane Gillis]

It was like upper thigh fat. That's like a. That's a devastating. Yeah, yeah, it's white.

[Matt]

And it was white.

[Shane Gillis]

Very white.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Not seen the sun.

[Matt]

I was getting into the shower recently and my wife was last laughing at my white ass. And she goes, I'm going to take a picture and send it to Shane. I was like, his ass is the same as mine. I was like, he's just like, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

It looks just like my ass.

[Matt]

It's so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

He's like, how'd you get a picture of my ass?

[Matt]

He's not gonna be like, what the fuck?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I found. I found my ass last night. It was on tv. I was watching Alien last night. Sigourney Weaver just has my ass for no reason.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Take a look at Sigourney Weaver's ass in Alien. She's got a full on pale peasant's ass, dude. Medieval dynasty ass. Sigourney Weaver's ass in the movie is.

[Matt]

What year is that?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know.

[Matt]

That's when tiny heinies ruled.

[Shane Gillis]

She had a. She had the tiniest hiney.

[Matt]

Can I see your heiney?

[Shane Gillis]

She's got a man's ass. She's got a nice pale Irish ass.

[Matt]

Yo, what the. Dude, she would die right now. Someone saw her ass. I don't think women can survive with an ass like that anymore.

[Shane Gillis]

She looks good in it. Tiny hineies, they out of nowhere at the end of the movie. Scorny Weaver just gets in. Yeah, they were underwear and tits out, basically.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

It's pretty sick.

[Matt]

Oh, and Alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was like one of the scenes. There was a tits and leprechaun. There was the alien sex scene in Titanic.

[Shane Gillis]

Tits and leprechaun was the first time I got in trouble from my parents.

[Matt]

Yeah, that was.

[Shane Gillis]

Came into the basement at my friend's house and we had it paused on Tits and Leprechaun.

[Matt]

That was the.

[Shane Gillis]

Is this.

[Matt]

I swear to God it wasn't me.

[Shane Gillis]

That was.

[Matt]

Those movies were the goon boon back in the day.

[Shane Gillis]

Yep.

[Matt]

There was no other opportunity. Dude, you'd have to like you to.

[Shane Gillis]

Pray to perfectly craft what you. You're like, yo, I heard there's boobs in Leprechaun in space. I'm going to tell my mom I'm going to rent Leprechaun in space. She's not going to hopefully check.

[Matt]

Yeah, you're like a cargo cult just waiting on just like forces of the world to move around you. Like, oh, they're back. Tits are back now. Music videos are my mainstay.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you had to be late night.

[Matt]

Yeah, that was. That was big for me.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it was huge. But anyway, that's the main order of business, which I already told you is yesterday I had a very important. I had a business meeting. Big Hollywood stuff.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And I woke up late and I. The, the meeting was delayed about an hour because of how late I was. Not because I was out partying that. But because I was up till 4am playing medieval dynasty. And if you ever played that game, you realize that's a real psychotic move. I was literally chopping trees for six hours gathering sticks. I looked on all the sticks you get. I got a lot of sticks. I got a lot of sticks and stones.

[Matt]

And you showed me. I was fucking.

[Shane Gillis]

The village is astounding.

[Matt]

I was like really preparing myself. You told me about it and I was like, dude, be supportive because I thought you're gonna show me some rinky dink bullshit. No, bro, that was like what a six hut village with.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Matt]

With a ye old blacksmith.

[Shane Gillis]

That would have taken a normal man weeks. Took me one day of just really pathetic day.

[Matt]

At what cost?

[Shane Gillis]

The cost was I was late for a pretty important meeting that I thought was going to be like three writers. It ended up being the director and the star of the movie waiting for. It's big. I don't want the beans. But it was. I was shocked.

[Matt]

Dude, your eyes are so puffy, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

I got. I was like, oh. It was like, you know when you're like late for school or work or something. I woke up like, oh, I slept through my alarm. I just joined the meeting seeing if they were still there from my bed in the dark. I joined the meeting and you can block out who it is. It was.

[Matt]

Wow, wow.

[Shane Gillis]

I was like, what's up dude? Sorry.

[Matt]

I Just woke up.

[Shane Gillis]

Sorry to make you wait.

[Matt]

From the darkness.

[Shane Gillis]

From the darkness. They watch me walk into the light.

[Matt]

And if your face was definitely like.

[Shane Gillis]

Dark red, just like. I tried to put on sunglasses. I gotta put on sunglasses. You can't see me. This. And I put on sunglasses. I was like, what the am I doing? This is what I look like. I explained exactly what I was. I was like, I wasn't out partying. This is from me checking my clock way too late. Gaming. I was going, it's probably 2 4. I was like, Jesus.

[Matt]

Yeah. Literally, sticks and stones.

[Shane Gillis]

Literally just chopping. Chopping logs all night. So that my village weaving baskets that I run to the town to sell for $2 over and over again. It's up. It's really up to do that. There's no like reward in the game.

[Matt]

Just.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's.

[Matt]

Dude. That game rules though.

[Shane Gillis]

Game's awesome.

[Matt]

I can't wait.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna hit a nice middle.

[Matt]

You had a court. The.

[Shane Gillis]

Your wife recorded my babe every morning.

[Matt]

Congrats, by the way.

[Shane Gillis]

Thank you. She is pregnant. Thank you. Fe said meet. Let's meet back in our room at 7pm and I.

[Matt]

Are you serious?

[Shane Gillis]

I almost jacked off here in. I almost jacked off in reality. Oh, she's such a sweet angel. And then I.

[Matt]

What will you name your medieval son?

[Shane Gillis]

Adolf. No, this is my son Adolf. I don't know. Matthew. I'll name him after you.

[Matt]

That'd be.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd be a king.

[Matt]

I'd be honored.

[Shane Gillis]

But what happens in medieval dynasty is when you die, you live as your son. Oh, that's. You follow your seed.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You got to build a dynasty.

[Matt]

Holy shit.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Wait, so when you. You died. I don't want to put you on blast when you got attacked by a wolf. Did you didn't come back as your son. How many respawns?

[Shane Gillis]

I came back as myself. You can come back as yourself. How many times? I don't know if I would have quit there. That might have ended my dynasty. I can't do that.

[Matt]

So if you don't respawn, that's over.

[Shane Gillis]

If next time, if my son is born, if young Matthew is born. Oh, then. Then I'll go. You know what that wolf got me during the hunt. Whoa.

[Matt]

Then you come back when he's back as my son.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

As a boy or a man?

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not sure. I haven't gotten that far. I've been chopping logs. I haven't.

[Matt]

True, true. I mean, your son's going to take it to such.

[Shane Gillis]

Got cabbage farm going. Carrots.

[Matt]

I saw the apple orchard.

[Shane Gillis]

Apple orchard was just built. I mean, this is.

[Matt]

And you. And you had your barley. You had your barley reserves.

[Shane Gillis]

Barley reserves from the last. Great. That harvest, which I immediately took to town and sold. Got some clay pots. Not a big deal.

[Matt]

Don't talk about the cherry juice.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, don't you dare bring up the cherry juice.

[Matt]

Sorry to bring that up.

[Shane Gillis]

This was a low point. This is like. This was a low point for the village. Dude. My sweet wife got me a cherry juice for. For a gift. She must have saved up 65.

[Matt]

Where'd she get that money from?

[Shane Gillis]

Don't you dare. Don't you dare. She was tricking, Matt.

[Matt]

What the.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, she was not tricking. She saved up because she cares about me. And she got me cherry juice. And then I checked. Our coffers were low. I had to pawn the cherry juice to get some fertilizer for the beets. You gotta do what you gotta do, dude. I had to get fertilizer and beets.

[Matt]

That was a real low point. Yes. In this one cabin, there's just a chest, whereas all of his stuff isn't. It's just a simple chest. There's like sticks, rocks.

[Shane Gillis]

Rocks. You laugh, but they're fueling it. You'll see my dynasty mushrooms and cherry juice.

[Matt]

I gotta sell the cherry juice. What's wrong with that? He's like, my wife gave it to me.

[Shane Gillis]

My wife gave me as a gift, Dude. I didn't want to do it, but.

[Matt]

No, I. I get that.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna tell her I drank it.

[Matt]

How are you gonna sleep? You need to drink tart cherry juice.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm gonna tell her I drank it.

[Matt]

Yeah. You guzzled it on a hunting expedition.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I got attacked by a fucking wolf. That was more out there. That'll get you.

[Matt]

Is it really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. There's all types of creatures that'll eat you.

[Matt]

The forest was scary, dude. I thought you. I thought it was a free for all. For real, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, Sean. It's not fucking funny. This episode is brought to you by Dude Wipes. If you're still dry wiping with toilet paper, you need to stop being an A hole to your B hole and switch to Dude Wipes. Isn't that funny?

[Matt]

That is fine.

[Shane Gillis]

Whoever wrote this, give me a call. I need some material. I made the switch myself. And the difference, let me tell you, is real Dude Wipes tackle the mess without any fuss. And the convenience of their flushable design makes cleanup a breeze. No more juggling rolls or Settling for less than adequate wipes. Are you tired of juggling rolls, Matt?

[Matt]

For sure.

[Shane Gillis]

They leave no room for dingleberries. All right. Or stray butt crumbs that TP might miss.

[Matt]

Yeah, leave those on the floor.

[Shane Gillis]

The butt crumbs? Yeah. Plus, they're extra large for adults. I like that because you are not a baby. So stop using baby wipes. Ditch the itch and switch to wet. Extra large flushable Dude Wipes. Dude Wipes. Best Clean Pants Down. Available on Amazon and at major retailers nationwide. You guys, it's all a game to you guys, but to me, it's a true dynasty. It's a medieval dynasty. My son Matthew will rise, and he's going to take over the big town when I'm. I'm going to raise a force.

[Matt]

That'll be nice. Yeah, that place will be crazy.

[Shane Gillis]

I go in there if. If you don't shower, if you don't get in the water for a while, you stink and nobody will talk to you. They treat me like a real outcast in there.

[Matt]

I like how you courted your wife.

[Shane Gillis]

Every morning I woke up, sprinted across the river and was like, hello, I love you. And then you have to wait the next day to be able to talk to her again.

[Matt]

The days are long.

[Shane Gillis]

Too long as days.

[Matt]

Like when you planted those apple trees. I'm like, bro, this is going to be. I mean, checks back in in the spring. Literally.

[Shane Gillis]

It's insane how I've. And also I get excited for my harvest.

[Matt]

Y.

[Shane Gillis]

So I'm like, all right, I'll stay up until the fall. It just takes fucking six more hours. It was. It was a real. It was a sad moment. Seeing the clock hit. It was 3:55. And I was like, this is. Something's wrong.

[Matt]

So funny waking up for a high power meeting.

[Shane Gillis]

It's been like a high power meeting. I was gathering a Bryce Harford jersey, unbuttoned. I was like, what's up, guys? Yeah.

[Matt]

Oh, that's all the game rules.

[Shane Gillis]

I think it worked. I think that my demeanor in the meeting.

[Matt]

I think so.

[Shane Gillis]

Was appreciated as well.

[Matt]

I. I would venture to guess that you might have been the first person to ever.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt]

Zoom into the meeting. Hungover from medieval medieval conquest.

[Shane Gillis]

For sure. Nobody that's been hungover from medieval dynasty has ever had a power and to come clean.

[Matt]

Say, fellas. I'm gonna come clean, you guys. I was.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, I'm building something special. Yeah.

[Matt]

You guys have your thing going on. We can talk about that. But let me just tell you about.

[Shane Gillis]

In hindsight I should have just been like, yo, I got up with jelly roll last night. I thought it was less embarrassing to be like, I was playing a video game. It turns out it's way more embarrassing.

[Matt]

So funny. Yeah, it's so. Especially when you're sitting there, you're like, going on like, dude, I'm full. Full honesty. I was up all night playing medieval rpg. It's like, oh, man, I can't be mad.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it was nice. I think they respected that, though.

[Matt]

You have to.

[Shane Gillis]

And also, I was probably dripping medieval swag.

[Matt]

That's.

[Shane Gillis]

They're probably like, this guy is going to be something special.

[Matt]

You might have hit him with a good day. You don't even know it.

[Shane Gillis]

I have been. Yeah.

[Matt]

Lord. So excuse me, my lord. Excuse my indolence. My lord, forgive me.

[Shane Gillis]

I threw a snowball at the king.

[Matt]

Dude, don't talk about that.

[Shane Gillis]

I know he might get me.

[Matt]

Yeah, chill.

[Shane Gillis]

He wasn't looking. Threw a snowball at him. Ran. Ran out of the fort, back to my side of the river.

[Matt]

You're crazy for bringing that up. I can't believe you threw a snowball at the king.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought something bad was gonna happen. Nothing. I mean, dude, maybe next time I see him, it's on site.

[Matt]

No, you talked to his son. You think he would tell the wicked prince? The prince is a dick too, by the way.

[Shane Gillis]

He is.

[Matt]

I didn't like his vibe at all, but he talked to the prince. Is just walking around the apple, which.

[Shane Gillis]

Are by the road, is a mistake.

[Matt]

Why?

[Shane Gillis]

They're gonna steal that from it.

[Matt]

They're not gonna take. Who's gonna take your apples?

[Shane Gillis]

Just any traveler. They're gonna go, oh, here's some apples.

[Matt]

Oh, dude, you can not. They might. Yeah, after you make an example out of the first guy.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt]

Told you have some guards.

[Shane Gillis]

Your plan was. He said my wife was going to get sexually assaulted by highwaymen. He thinks it's a funny, fun thing to joke about her.

[Matt]

Does it have your wife guard the apple or juice?

[Shane Gillis]

No, she's going to get. They're going to take my apples and sexually assault my wife, and then I'm going to have to pretend to be more mad about the sa than the fact that I lost all those apples. We're going to need those apples.

[Matt]

I was just saying you got to have someone guarding those fields, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I will also.

[Matt]

Literally.

[Shane Gillis]

That'll be the rest of the game. Three straight days in real life.

[Matt]

Honey, get inside.

[Shane Gillis]

That game is so. I got that going on.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode of Matt and Shane's secret podcast is brought to you by Dude Wipes. Matt, take it from there.

[Matt]

Well, let me tell you something about these dude wipes right now, man. I'd love to take it right here. Here we go. I'm your butthole. Yeah. Me. The most overworked, underappreciated part of your body.

[Shane Gillis]

Name two or three poor choices that your butthole never appreciates. For example, buffalo wings, iced coffees, gas station sushi.

[Matt]

Yeah, there's. I mean, all of those.

[Shane Gillis]

What's going on? This is. This is disgusting stuff.

[Matt]

Yeah. Jalapeno poppers, root beer floats. That's a weird one to tie to your butt. I don't know what that would do.

[Shane Gillis]

To my root beer floats.

[Matt]

Yeah, they put in here two foot double ended dill.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's bad for your butt.

[Matt]

Corner store chili cheese dog.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm the one dealing with your poor choices. That's from the butthole.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

And then you drag a dry ass tissue across me like you're sanding a piece of shit coffee table until I'm a throbbing red balloon knob. Who the fuck wrote this ad? Dude Wipes. Available at retailers nationwide and Amazon. Look, they do rule. You don't have to. You don't have to write that ad. Read. Yeah, they're good for your butt. It feels good.

[Matt]

It's. I mean, traveling with them is for real.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, my traveling with them is great.

[Matt]

First day of traveling, my ass falls apart, turns, it's just completely blistered.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you got a oil slick.

[Matt]

Exactly. These are designed specifically, then irritates the skin. If it was just an oil slick, fine, but then your skin gets all irritated. But having these to come back from and just. Yeah, like after. Like a warrior in battle, just kind of dabbing it, you know? But yeah, they're extra large with scents like mint chill and shea butter. Stop being an A hole to your B hole. We take it all back. That's fucking cool. Yeah, that was great, dude. Wife. Available at retailers nationwide and Amazon.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, we support this product for sure. What else is going on?

[Matt]

Just distracting yourself from the comedy wars.

[Shane Gillis]

The comedy wars are in full effect, dude.

[Matt]

The comedy wars.

[Shane Gillis]

The comedy was the war for the butt wipes. Yes. We have all the butt wipes we have for our butt wipes. They want to take our butt wipe sponsors.

[Matt]

Our scene is still young and our butt wipes may dwindle. The butt wipes will slip through our fingertips into the hands of more experienced podcasters. Yes. You're just mad I have all the butt wipes. So Sad to see, man.

[Shane Gillis]

It's tough to see.

[Matt]

Nobody gotta see it. No, no. I gotta say to everybody and sorry if you don't like this. I hope they all find peace and joy and happiness. Dude, for real.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I hope everybody does.

[Shane Gillis]

I hope I do. That'd be sick.

[Matt]

Yeah, you'll get. Dude, keep working. Like I saw you working on.

[Shane Gillis]

I was working. I had a good day yesterday too. I got in the pool, laid around, said, you know, it's time to build a hut.

[Matt]

How'd you hear about that game?

[Shane Gillis]

I had it a while ago. It was. It was so boring, I stopped.

[Matt]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I mean, it takes like a level of like. I don't know.

[Matt]

I know what you mean, dude. That's. Yeah, I. I could. I could lock into that though. I had the same thing where if it's like, just give me that task, I get to. And like, you see, because that's also. That's slow going progress, bro. It's not some like, where you're just hitting X and like walls are appearing.

[Shane Gillis]

You're exactly right, Matt.

[Matt]

That's.

[Shane Gillis]

You know, I mean, I'm glad you appreciate what I've done over there.

[Matt]

Dude, I saw the village real. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Some chickens, though. I've just built a chicken cooperation. Gotta get into town and buy some chickens. But I gotta sell all those baskets first so I can buy a chicken.

[Matt]

True. I saw you. That's kind of where your baskets they've.

[Shane Gillis]

My village and all my sticks that I've gathered.

[Matt]

Ah, those stone tools are nice, though.

[Shane Gillis]

I saw stone tools were nice.

[Matt]

Five, seven.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't realize that. Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

The bad. That makes sense. Baskets. You guys were a small commune. Of course you made wicker baskets.

[Shane Gillis]

Checking for balls. All right, keep an eye on the balls. We can't have that again.

[Matt]

Oh, you're checking.

[Shane Gillis]

Looking at his penis, I saw he checked the lens. He want to see if there's a good shot.

[Matt]

So far we're good. Sean, if his penis slips out, we lose all.

[Shane Gillis]

My penis shoots out of these shorts.

[Matt]

And we lose all of our butt wipes.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll try again. If my penis was able to fly out of these shorts, I would sacrifice all the butt wipes. I'd be such a happy guy. Dude, I knew my dick. I knew my dick was too big to be a podcaster. I can't even sit down anymore. Instead, I have the perfect design penis for a podcast. Oh, that thing's not going anywhere.

[Matt]

YouTube loves the size of my penis, dude. No problem. Is this podcast safe for kids? Yes, it is forever eternally.

[Shane Gillis]

So I got medieval going. Yeah. Oasis on tomorrow.

[Matt]

That's gonna be tight.

[Shane Gillis]

Is today Wednesday?

[Matt]

Yeah, today. God. Tomorrow's Thursday.

[Shane Gillis]

We're going to be there tomorrow night.

[Matt]

Yeah. Be sick.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy.

[Matt]

In. Yeah, in, shot down.

[Shane Gillis]

And then. So tomorrow, I believe this Under Armour commercial or Internet video comes out tomorrow. So I can talk about it now. I'm very excited about it. I put Phil in it.

[Matt]

Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Phil Gillis makes his acting debut.

[Matt]

Phil kills it.

[Shane Gillis]

Honestly, he was great. He was Phil and head coach Marcus Freeman of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish finally on screen together. That's the. People have been begging for this.

[Matt]

It's. It plays well.

[Shane Gillis]

It. Phil does.

[Matt]

All right. I swear to God, you usually can tell if somebody's never especially like. It's like a real fucking thing.

[Shane Gillis]

So it's like, yeah, he did great. But it was funny to watch him and Marcus find out about how shitty making a commercial is, how long it takes. So every. We did the same scene. Fucking.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So many times. And both of them were like, all right, we got it, right?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, we're good. We got it from one camera. We're going to switch. Do the same thing over and over again. Yeah. Phil got a little tired. He was ready to get to the linebacker.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Bar there.

[Matt]

Is this a bar called the Linebacker?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, at Notre Dame. And Phil. Phil frequents it.

[Matt]

It is funny because he definitely probably thought this is like. I was like, probably half.

[Shane Gillis]

20 minutes, 30 minutes.

[Matt]

Film is out in half an hour. Just fucking. How long did it.

[Shane Gillis]

Two minutes long, three minutes long. It's got to be a 30 minute film.

[Matt]

Yeah. Not the case.

[Shane Gillis]

Took all day.

[Matt]

Have you grinded the tape at all in the commercial?

[Shane Gillis]

I've been grinding the tape.

[Matt]

Did you really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I've watched it so many times.

[Matt]

What do you think of it, actually?

[Shane Gillis]

So happy you have.

[Matt]

You have ground the tape.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It, like, is like the best thing, seeing Phil at Notre Dame.

[Matt]

It's very nice.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't care if the commercial sucks. It doesn't.

[Matt]

It's good.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, but it was nice.

[Matt]

Yeah. Just get him in there. It's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Anyway, And I called him, like, the day before we filmed. Did you really be like, phil, you're in this. He's like, okay, yeah. He pretended he was like, all right, Shane, you got to pay me this time. You got to pay me a lot to get me out there. I was like, get on the fucking plane, dude. Shut up.

[Matt]

He definitely hung up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, John. John, read me by lunch. You got the Beautiful flight from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, to South Bend, Indiana. Oh, you want to see some ugly people get on that flight? Everyone's hurt. Everyone's got that disease. And it's up Harrisburg to Indiana. That's an ugly bunch. Phil was probably that. They probably were like, you must be a movie star.

[Matt]

They just catapult a bus all the way.

[Shane Gillis]

Get a. Just launch it. Yeah, Phil must have been. Yeah, that's why he was so confident. He probably felt good on that flight.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It's also what was embarrassing because we brought the crew who filmed it was everyone who did tires, so. But it just. Me and my dad both act like we went to Notre Dame. Like, we were driving around like, you see this campus here? This part of the campus? Look at the bricks they use. It's the same bricks in every building. A lot of campuses don't have that. Take a look at that.

[Matt]

I. For real forgot you guys both didn't go there.

[Shane Gillis]

No, no.

[Matt]

I was like, you gu. Okay. That's right.

[Shane Gillis]

None of us went, dude. We walked around like, yeah, now look at that. That's the grotto. I took these animals from Philadelphia to the grotto.

[Matt]

Did you?

[Shane Gillis]

They were just screaming. They were hammered. They were just making noises. And I was in there like, shut the up, yo.

[Matt]

Knock it off.

[Shane Gillis]

Pray.

[Matt]

Yeah, enough of that.

[Shane Gillis]

I said a prayer, so. Prayer for my young baby Matthew.

[Matt]

Say.

[Shane Gillis]

The rise and be strong.

[Matt]

What do you. What do you want for your child?

[Shane Gillis]

I just. I can't wait to play as him, you know? I can't wait to inhabit his body.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I mean, I hope he's as strong of a lumberjack as his father.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

That's all we need is more. More logs.

[Matt]

Your father. His father's a skilled craftsman as well.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt]

I saw. I saw a couple put together a.

[Shane Gillis]

Stone knife to skin that deer.

[Matt]

Stone knife on the fly. That was impressive.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's. That's where it gets a little pathetic, where I know exactly how many sticks and stones I need to craft. That was. Anyway. But Phil's acting debut is tomorrow.

[Matt]

That's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Currently, when this is out, hopefully. I think it's tomorrow, it'll be.

[Matt]

I know. This will be out tomorrow. I can assure you that Garden is on the case. All he's got to do is blur your monster hog.

[Shane Gillis]

Blur this hog out again. Somebody's got to feed these hogs.

[Matt]

Dude. I. Oh, man. I think. I think I messaged you. Oh, yeah, I told Gardini about this. I came across a thing. I think it was like the Day we recorded the podcast last week. Unfortunately, my YouTube has. I've been, like, curating my YouTube because it's just started getting, like, annoying political stuff. And obviously no jumper comes back up because I think Blizz has been sending me some stuff or I don't know. But I come across this. Actually, this came across my feed organically. But there was a guy who was in the Crips. And none of this is funny, by the way, because it is a tragic situation. But, I mean, dude, I. I stayed up all night watching this video, so I didn't know about this guy. He was in the Crips. He was like, you know, like a real gang banger. And he was doing drugs. He was on. He was on fent pack. Ice pack. He's doing fentanyl meth. His own words. Yeah, yeah, he's doing that pretty serious pack. And he. He claims. His story. His story is that he was at a party one night. Someone slip spiked his perp with method, which is like, dude, special place in hell.

[Shane Gillis]

If you do. If you do fent and meth, your foraging skills go up to 10. You were a 10 level forager.

[Matt]

His went up too high.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, really?

[Matt]

Yes, because he doesn't remember any of this. So he just, like, was, you know, out partying. He was like a gang banger doing drugs, just living the life. And he just woke up one morning and everyone called him, like, yo, like, what the are you doing? And he checked the interweb. Apparently he had been on FaceTime and got dominated by a Swedish lady into sucking, I believe, a Fanta bottle and putting it in his butthole.

[Shane Gillis]

Or around.

[Matt]

I don't know if one in. I don't want to. You know, it went around or in his butthole and he just got, like, completely gay. Dominated by a Swedish lady. Because I don't remember any of it. Then his whole gang beat his ass. Oh, well, they had to. They had to beat him up. They had to beat him up.

[Shane Gillis]

What happened to just razzing a guy?

[Matt]

No, there's no razzing.

[Shane Gillis]

Because call him zesty after. Yeah, if you do more zesty, me and Matt are gonna jump.

[Matt]

We'd have to dp, Paul said. But that's what it's called. It's called DP Big Balls.

[Shane Gillis]

We have the dp.

[Matt]

But yeah, dude, it was. I was shaking in my bed just laughing like. Although it isn't funny, but I was laughing just like.

[Shane Gillis]

It's very funny.

[Matt]

Dude. Sucking a phantom bottle and getting kicked out of a gang is maybe the funny. Truly.

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe the funniest thing took you out of the gang for.

[Matt]

We got beat up. Huh? Oh, he got. He got. He got beat up and then he went to jail. So I think he's still in the gang. According to him. According to me too. I say still in the gang. My favorite thing about it was you told me that he blamed it on the.

[Shane Gillis]

On the Bloods or the Crips or whatever.

[Matt]

Blood set him up. They spiked him so they could gay dominate him on FaceTime because of the meth.

[Shane Gillis]

That's diabolical.

[Matt]

He literally had meth and turned gay just for a night.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, why does meth keep turning everyone kind of gay, bro?

[Matt]

I don't know. It does it to people, man. You get. I think you just have so much energy from it that you just start going like, yeah, usually I don't have time to do gay stuff.

[Shane Gillis]

I want to hit the dance floor.

[Matt]

Yeah. It's like I've gotten all of my straight business done. I still have a whole other half of my day that I usually sleep.

[Shane Gillis]

Side quest.

[Matt]

Yeah, you have a whole. Like, if you, if you don't sleep for three days, your schedule opens up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You know, because usually it's like, dude, we're so tired. We work so hard. We don't have time to be gay.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Wish I did.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, James.

[Matt]

Oh, nice.

[Shane Gillis]

James, why don't you just come right in?

[Matt]

Yeah, join.

[Shane Gillis]

Grab a seat. Grab a seat, brother.

[Matt]

Grab a seat.

[Shane Gillis]

Grab a brother.

[Matt]

James, grab a broadcasting apparatus.

[James]

I think I'm good.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, nice.

[James]

I think.

[Matt]

Good. Yeah, Good.

[James]

Went to the thinkory.

[Matt]

Thinkory. Place is a little, little too busy for my liking.

[James]

I lost track of the children for.

[Matt]

Whole stretches of time and there's a lot of big kids running around.

[James]

Yeah.

[Matt]

The place, if you have an older kid, fantastic. For little kids.

[Shane Gillis]

Are they lad boys.

[Matt]

It's. It's full. Get full spectrum, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Snowz Ark in there.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Two of every kind.

[Matt]

It really is. It is.

[James]

It's.

[Matt]

It's a lot of old. It's just like 25 field trips bouncing off of each other like particles. And you just have to like grab your 3 year old and be like. It's like. It's like young Simba getting lost in the stampede.

[James]

But also say many beautiful young mothers. I mean, this I notice every time I'm there, I'm the only dad and it's all the mothers and the young sexy nannies and they're all there.

[Matt]

Yep.

[James]

And me and my kids just staring at the, you know, the science that's what I'm spending my time looking at.

[Matt]

Just him. Do you go to the upstairs or the shopping area?

[James]

We. We shopped. We. I. There's a height chart. The children can come and see how high they are. And I have a complex that my son is small. But I measured him. He's of normal height. And I felt very good and I felt proud. Bang in the middle. Couldn't be more in the middle.

[Matt]

There we go.

[James]

I'm sorry I'm late. Thank you for having me.

[Shane Gillis]

You're totally.

[Matt]

You're good, man. We were just.

[Shane Gillis]

Not long.

[Matt]

I don't recall. 32 minutes. If I had a guess.

[Shane Gillis]

20. No, 15. 25. We're at 25 right now. 20.

[Matt]

So. Yeah, you're close. When he came in.

[Shane Gillis]

23. It. What's up, James?

[James]

Just hanging out.

[Shane Gillis]

James. We got to make a video for the Crows.

[James]

This has been a devastating couple of weeks for the Crow boys.

[Shane Gillis]

Why?

[James]

All right.

[Matt]

Not doing well.

[James]

We finished top of the ladder. So you finished the season. Home and away season. We're number one. It was fantastic. You might have to BLEEP a word that I'm about to say, but our star player, Isaac Rankin. You're not going to BLEEP it. That's fine. I don't mind.

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[James]

He called someone in the opposition.

[Shane Gillis]

Wow. Wow.

[James]

And he got. He got dropped for four weeks.

[Matt]

What?

[James]

Which is the entire final season.

[Matt]

If you investigate why he did that.

[James]

He was upset. A player on the opposite team had concussed him the year before and been rubbed out for less than four weeks, I think. Or exactly that. And so he was dropping that. Now, the man he did say that to paints his nails and wears a lot of perfume. So that whole Collingwood back line is fate. But this is. I mean, it's just. If he had punched him in the throat, he would have got less time. Totally dropping that. But the league is. They've got all the women players now and they're all Rainbow Coalition. And it's just.

[Matt]

The women's a different sport, though, right? Or do they have frill Women?

[James]

Yeah, they get pushed together. It's the same. Same sport played at a less captivating. I'll get in trouble, but it's not as good to watch. Is that.

[Matt]

What are you talking about?

[Shane Gillis]

You're not going to get in trouble, dude. They're not. You're not going to get cancer.

[James]

I. I can't watch. It's also. It's a violent sport. You don't want to see ladies getting punched in the back of the head. I don't.

[Matt]

No, me either. At least unless I'm at the thinkery.

[Shane Gillis]

Then I start hitting some real thoughts.

[Matt]

Oh, I can't have my coffee in here. Huh? Okay, that's fair.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. How do you like that? Straight into the lazy river.

[Matt]

It is funny because you like, you're not allowed to have coffee in there. And they'll like come up to you and be like, you're not allowed to have that. And all you have to have coffee, dude. All you have to do. Literally. Okay. And just keep walking.

[James]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And they'll come back up 10 minutes later like, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed to have that. Oh, I'm sorry about that. And you just keep walking.

[Shane Gillis]

Sorry, I didn't hear you.

[Matt]

It's also so annoying. It's like, dude, yeah, I can have this. Relax. I'm not gonna like dump it on a kid. I need this right now.

[Shane Gillis]

So you're telling me there's hot moms and nannies there?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[James]

Oh, yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Sounds like a nice time now. Is it a. What's going on there? Said people were splashing.

[James]

There was a splash pad upstairs. Oh, I thought it was a water park.

[Shane Gillis]

No, it's a museum.

[Matt]

Thinkory is like a kids museum, science museum, children's museum.

[James]

But all these children's museums are basically the same. I've been to 20 of these.

[Shane Gillis]

Just touch a bunch of shit that a bunch of kids already touched.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Everyone gets sick.

[James]

Very sick.

[Shane Gillis]

Kid spits right in your fucking mouth.

[James]

It's positive in a way that the grown up museums are not positive. You go to the grown up museum, like, this land is stolen. Slavery was terrible. Look at all these birds that don't exist anymore. You go to the thing, you go to the kids museum. You want to look at a microscope, the sun.

[Matt]

It's cool. You know, I like, I also like, each one has a kind of rocket launching room.

[James]

Yes.

[Matt]

Where they have like a thing you put on. You can mess with the angles.

[James]

And a handkerchief up into the.

[Matt]

Yeah, the handkerchiefs scarf things different. But do they have that at the thinkory where you can. Oh yeah, put a foam rocket and step on a pedal.

[James]

No, they didn't. They only had handkerchiefs.

[Shane Gillis]

Must be nice to have kids so you can impress them with. Oh, dude, just everything.

[Matt]

Yeah, they. They get stove.

[Shane Gillis]

You launched that rocket, dude.

[Matt]

Me and Maya did a, an inflatable pool in our front yard yesterday. And it was like it was leaning on a hill and I just laid in this thing, just spraying a hose in the Pool just on both of us while it filled up, just killed like two hours. It was awesome.

[James]

Go out there alone and you have five or six beers and pass out on the front lawn. That's the dream.

[Matt]

Dude. The. The inflatable pool is nice, bro. Yeah, My wife was hating on me. She's like, you look like white trash out here. I was like, get it?

[Shane Gillis]

Definitely look white trash.

[James]

Dude.

[Matt]

It was.

[Shane Gillis]

It was a crooked down. A inflatable pool. Yeah.

[Matt]

And I didn't fill it up all the way, so I was just like leaning in it.

[James]

Like, the above ground pool is never a classy. No above ground hot tub is acceptable. I think huge above ground pool.

[Matt]

Oh yeah, that's very. Oh, well, you get them. You're like, man, this fucking rules.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they're pretty awesome.

[Matt]

They're like a fraction of the price. And you can build a nice little wood deck around them to really spruce them up.

[James]

Well, that's faking getting it into the ground. It is building the ground up also.

[Shane Gillis]

You know you're gonna have a good time.

[James]

Oh yeah. I mean, I would love sit on.

[Shane Gillis]

A deck in an above ground pool. You're like, we're gonna. Somebody's gonna fight.

[Matt]

Oh yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

This is gonna be crazy.

[Matt]

You make it. You can make a nasty whirlpool in those things too.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Because everything's standing height. So you and all your cousins just.

[Shane Gillis]

You don't run a circle like a Muslim dance.

[Matt]

I used to hate on above ground pools. Now I'm kind of like, they're kind of nice. Especially for the money of an in ground pool.

[Shane Gillis]

You ever see a friend yard?

[Matt]

I think you're allowed to do.

[Shane Gillis]

There's some front yards in mechanics for you. There were when I was growing up.

[Matt]

They're nice.

[Shane Gillis]

I think the people at the end of my block, they had a horse in their front yard and had a above ground.

[James]

That a horse in their front.

[Shane Gillis]

They had a horse tied to the tree in their front yard. Just every time you do it for fucking. It was a horse was there for fucking 20 years. Thing was not dying. Yeah, it was amazing. By the end, it looked like the horse death was on.

[James]

Because usually in the Midwest you can't even have. I mean just every yard is exactly the same. It's just flat lawn, the backyard. You can do something a bit wild. But they had a full horse growing up.

[Shane Gillis]

There was no hoa you could.

[James]

Right. That's coming later.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[James]

Stop. All these horses that people.

[Matt]

You get the horses.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm surprised made it as long as it did. Because every house in my neighborhood growing up was nice. And then at the end of the block, there was just this. Looked like it was made out of like plywood house with a fucking dying horse tied to its front. And it wasn't a big yard. The yard was like the size of my front yard. It'd be like if I had a horse tied to that tree.

[James]

Think about it.

[Shane Gillis]

Crazy.

[James]

Could be cool. I once saw a.

[Shane Gillis]

My neighborhood has fucking animals.

[Matt]

Yeah. I saw the peacock.

[Shane Gillis]

Turkeys. I've seen turkeys walking around. Yeah. Roosters.

[Matt]

I like that.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy.

[James]

The best thing I ever saw in Austin was a. It was a black guy on a horse just in a suburb. It was like in a neighborhood on a main road, no helmet. He was texting. He was texting and plopping just like it was the most normal thing in the world. He was wearing a. We call them wife beaters. I don't. Yeah, yeah, he was wearing like one of those. And he was just chilling out, texting on his horse, going down the street. Well, they never got rid of horses, right? Like, legally you can still take a horse.

[Matt]

Philly has their own, like, horse.

[Shane Gillis]

Philly has horses?

[James]

No.

[Matt]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[James]

What people? Yeah, around the cobblestones.

[Matt]

It's in west Philly and it's in also North Philly.

[James]

There's a tradition of black guys with horses.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt]

Dude. First time I saw one was year, like 20. It must have been like 2014 or, you know, whatever. Sometime around then. And I was like very, very high at night time, walking up to my house in West Philly and a black dude on a horse came by me and I was like. I thought I was hallucinating. I swear to God. I was like, what is going on? And then, like, I looked into it and there is like a. There's stables.

[Shane Gillis]

Where? The stables?

[Matt]

Yeah, there's like a.

[James]

It's not that expensive.

[Matt]

It was in Rocky. It was in a Creed too. They like a huge plot. Is the horse guys.

[Shane Gillis]

Concrete cowboys?

[Matt]

Yeah. It's a way of life.

[James]

I. I felt so free looking at this man. No equipment. I think he had a saddle. That was it. He wasn't riding.

[Matt]

Nobody would have helmets to ride horses anyway. Only like fox catchers or something. There's no way.

[Shane Gillis]

What are you talking about?

[James]

We're from a very helmeted country. My kids are learning to ride bikes now with no helmets. And I'm so happy. My mom will be upset if she ever finds out, but it's. There's such a freedom to not wear Helmets. They're doing. They're learning fast.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they better. Yeah. It's a good move.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I was taught to ride a bike is. My dad took me to the top of a hill by my elementary school the first time without training wheels and just launched me. And I couldn't. I didn't know how. I just went straight into. I was flying just straight into these bushes.

[Matt]

Yeah, I hit bushes as well.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Thorns right in there.

[Matt]

Yeah. Tough to my kid. Like champs riding a bike. They don't do training wheels anymore. You do a thing where you have no training wheels, but your feet touch the ground, you have no pedals, and you just, like, push yourself along and you learn how to balance. Then one day we just threw on pedals and she just took off. No problem. It's actually. It's pretty insane, so. Training wheels are, like, the worst.

[Shane Gillis]

How happy were you?

[Matt]

I was pretty happy, honestly.

[Shane Gillis]

That'd be nice.

[Matt]

I was pretty pumped. I just ran, actually. I think I just skateboarded after, and it was kind of nice. It's kind of scary, though, because they don't know how to turn it all, so they're like, no, it's pretty. And then, like, the street, they'll. They'll. They will just ride right through the street. You got to be like, stop.

[James]

I do that.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[James]

A lot.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. Matt. Shane, what was your favorite part of last football season? The Super Bowl. What was your favorite part of the football season? Was it watching Saquon Barkley?

[Matt]

Yeah. When it was honestly watching against the Chiefs.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I saw that night a Chiefs fan in the house, so that was nice. Yeah. I mean, it almost felt bad because they were winning so badly. Yeah. He just went outside the whole time.

[Shane Gillis]

Are you most excited about in this upcoming season, Matt?

[Matt]

This upcoming season? I, I. Is there any young teams? I, I like it. I'd like to see a young team really kind of snap together trying to.

[Shane Gillis]

Think of a cool young. Unfortunately, it's the Washington commanders are kind of the cool. Are they really younger team n. I've.

[Matt]

Been beefing with Washington. Yeah. I don't want to. Also, I'm kind of pissed they changed. I don't, you know, I don't br. They should have picked something else.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, talk about your thoughts. Thoughts on the upcoming football season.

[Matt]

This is going to be a big year, man. They got a lot of. A lot of new things coming in. I know they got. Friday night football is big. They got a lot more. Are they adding the 15th game? Because that is kind of 16th.

[Shane Gillis]

They've already done it. Maybe more.

[Matt]

Okay, that's what I want to see. I want to see football get more commercialized.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

In a way, you know, I want to see them grind some more money out of these players.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes. And extra weeks on a grueling sport that has constant injuries.

[Matt]

If they blow more weeks. Yeah. If they get hurt, they get hurt, man. I don't care.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's good.

[Matt]

I want to see. I just want to see more merch. I want to see.

[Shane Gillis]

We do need more merch. All this football talk is getting me pumped. Oh, it's going to be plump, dude. Thankfully, the football season is already underway on prize picks. Prize picks is offering season long stat picks that we can take right now before the season even starts thinking about that.

[Matt]

Here we go.

[Shane Gillis]

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[James]

I'll do it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, go ahead.

[James]

Black Israelite. My new comedy special, September 1st. It's coming out on my.

[Shane Gillis]

It's gonna be really great.

[Matt]

Huge.

[Shane Gillis]

I've seen you run a lot of that material and you've seen it all.

[James]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

And every time you've done a show with me, every single DM I get after was like, who the fuck was that Australian man?

[James]

Well, it's only 23 minutes. I've panicked.

[Matt]

Perfect.

[James]

Again.

[Shane Gillis]

That's all you, man.

[Matt]

It's gonna be awesome.

[James]

And I tour dates. I'm going to Houston, St. Louis, Omaha, Springfield, Indianapolis, Las Vegas, Irvine, Los Angeles, Baltimore and more.

[Matt]

Where can they get tickets?

[James]

Jdfmcann.com I gotta work on a better website. Yeah. Disquieting levels of egg. New book of poems, number one. They won't give me a book deal.

[Shane Gillis]

I just put out a couple of tour dates. ShaneMgillis.com Go to my YouTubes, please. Yeah, Matt's got that cartoon. That's. It's great.

[Matt]

A whole new song too, man.

[Shane Gillis]

It's really good.

[Matt]

Thank you. Did you hear my song? Did you even listen?

[Shane Gillis]

I haven't heard the song.

[James]

Yeah, it's half credit sequence.

[Matt]

Half of a song.

[Shane Gillis]

We got more plugs. Yeah, get in there. And please, if you're in Gas Atlanta, please come see me October 23rd at Atlanta Helium. That'd be huge for me.

[James]

Thank you so much.

[Shane Gillis]

Was I not on screen?

[Matt]

God damn it.

[James]

God damn it.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, and. And October.

[Matt]

Not this.

[Shane Gillis]

Sept. Sept. 2, next week. Please.

[James]

Thank you and well done on the Madison Square Garden.

[Shane Gillis]

Third's on sale now.

[James]

You're gonna break a record.

[Shane Gillis]

No, the record is five.

[James]

Sebastian Maniscalco in five. I looked it up.

[Shane Gillis]

You can get five.

[James]

You sold the first two out in, like a day.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's not until next year.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not until January. My stock could go down by then.

[Matt]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

Could be an empty garden.

[Matt]

No.

[Shane Gillis]

And if it is an empty garden, I'm still performing for sure. It's gonna be the funniest way.

[Matt]

Best thing ever.

[Shane Gillis]

Literally the best way to end a career. If my career falls off between now and January, I'm doing three empty gardens. That'd be a nice special triple crown. Just got the triple crown. Silent bombs.

[Matt]

Scalpers just get fucked.

[Shane Gillis]

Scalpers get absolutely fucked. Yeah. That's a kind of a dream. Be a nice way to go home.

[Matt]

Be awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

I could put all my effort in a medieval dynasty. Focus heavily on building the ultimate city in town for my beautiful wife.

[James]

I'm looking after the kids every day at the moment. My wife is. She's unwell. And she was in bed. And I've just got the kids every day. And I just try and tie them out with. They're just going around the other children on the street. They want my weird children to go away from them. They suckle up to them and ask to play with their basketball. And I told him how to swim. That was a big. That's a big break. And I just try and exhaust my ADHD daughter by forcing her to swim. She's. I'm tired, Dad. I go swim through it.

[Matt]

Yeah. Push on.

[Shane Gillis]

Go.

[James]

She's. Her shoulders are getting.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[James]

It's only been like two weeks, but.

[Shane Gillis]

She'S gonna be playing. You're gonna be watching lady afl. You're gonna be watching the Lady Crom.

[James]

I hope I just have a trans son who can dominate the league. No. Not even for that. The crumb is. This is heartbreaking. This week. It's ruined my.

[Matt]

The fact that they could be fair, though.

[James]

All he did was call a man.

[Shane Gillis]

Wow. Wow.

[James]

And they're going to take his career away from him.

[Matt]

Is he. Is he bench for a little bit.

[James]

For the finals. Is that first time playing finals in eight years.

[Matt]

Is he on record saying it or can he be like.

[James]

I didn't say he copped to it immediately. He said they must have had footage and I wanted him to come out as gay. I thought that would have been. That would have been the move. But he's. He loves the ladies.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[James]

Sweet Isaac. And then he went to Italy to cool down.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, that's not good. I know that's still be training if you guys lose the first.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Still make it to the granny.

[James]

I don't think he was doing well. We've all got a real.

[Matt]

He's not getting like banned from the league, he's just getting suspended. Right.

[Shane Gillis]

But it's four games. So if you lose the first game.

[James]

Yes, he can still really picked it up.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm trying to get to the granny.

[James]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Grinding the tape.

[Shane Gillis]

I've been grinding the tape. A lot of people are afraid to grind the tape.

[James]

This is the dream is that we lose the first game of the finals and then he would get to play in the grand final. But what is nice about the AFL is you can't be taken off for a foul. You can be suspended afterwards, but they can't take you off at any point in the game. So when you announce your retirement before the grand final, the violence is astronomical. You get a blank check. They can't do anything.

[Shane Gillis]

Do you think Tex is going to hit the. If Tex retires, you think he's going to go wild? Yeah.

[James]

Might come out.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I think so.

[James]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I reckon.

[Matt]

Nice.

[Shane Gillis]

I reckon the arms might come out on big ticks. We need a granny for Adelaide. Up the crumb. Up the.

[Matt]

I. I would. I would like to see my trans daughter dominate in sports, if I'm being honest. If it's like, you know, because it's. It's a lot to process.

[Shane Gillis]

Imagine having a trans daughter lose in all those sports. Go. We're putting it back on.

[James]

There was an Indian trans at the Olympics or Intersex who could. Still couldn't keep up with the ladies.

[Matt]

Yeah, well that's.

[James]

And the people. That's kind of hard thing.

[Matt]

It's like, damn, you really are a girl. Yeah. Yeah. Thought you were. You earned it, bud.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I thought you were fibbing. I thought you were fibbing for attention in elementary school. You're dead on in the car. You unathletic.

[Matt]

I'd have to stop though, and be like. Be honest with me. You weren't losing out of kink.

[Shane Gillis]

You were throwing. That was.

[Matt]

That Kink. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That would be cool, though. Just watching, like, pure domination and being.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, yeah, that's my girl.

[Matt]

It's gotta be. Everyone's, like, crying about it. But what about the.

[Shane Gillis]

Also that would fire me. The up dude. If I was, like, the pen swimmer's parents.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

People, like, get him out of the pool. That's a guy. Be like, yo, shut the up. Science is real. I would. I'd be the biggest lib on earth. Dude. If that was my kid, I'd be in there. I'd be.

[Matt]

You'd have no choice.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd hold a Ukraine flag every match.

[Matt]

Yeah, you'd have to.

[Shane Gillis]

I'd be going crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah. Unless somehow you can do a Jenner.

[Shane Gillis]

Be Republican Trans.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Republican Trans is the most powerful, dangerous force.

[Matt]

We got to get up in the log cabin. You know, the log cabin is.

[James]

Where all the gay.

[Matt]

It's like the gay Republican gathering place. They call it a log cabin. I don't know why. The log cabin is where, like, gay Republicans can, like, can join finally. Yeah, you get to get. You get to the log cabin, out.

[James]

Of the toilets and into the beautiful. It's the poor guys who have to go to a public toilet. The rich Republican guy, to a fancy log cabin.

[Matt]

I might go there and shake something.

[Shane Gillis]

Shake something for the boys.

[Matt]

Might shake something.

[Shane Gillis]

Shake something for.

[Matt]

Shake some crime statistics for.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, they probably jizz everywhere. Yeah. My dick's only 13 of what it should be, but it's about to commit 50 of your ass. Who's that? From South Carolina? Who's that? Gay. I don't know if I should say it like that, but you know who I'm talking about. Lindsey Graham.

[James]

No, you cannot say.

[Shane Gillis]

Lindsey Graham's in there working for the boys, dude.

[Matt]

Honey, I gotta go to the log cabin again.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I was. We're bashing pubs. I'm all about it. I was looking at Audible last night. I was down there. I was trying to get a book going. What you got? And then it was like, the books under, like, history. I just looked at the top. One of them's. What's that Fucking. Who's the FBI?

[Matt]

Cash Patel.

[Shane Gillis]

Cash Patel's book. It's like American Gangsters or, like, Political Gangsters, and it's like, how we're gonna expose the deep state. That's his book.

[James]

It's called. He got in there and got threatened and he went.

[Shane Gillis]

And then he got in there and said, epstein fucking did it. He killed himself.

[Matt]

Yeah. You know what? Turns out the gangsters have done their political Gangsters.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It turns out there actually are political gangsters.

[Matt]

And apparently.

[Shane Gillis]

Cut my head off.

[Matt]

There's a hubb clue about Melania being on the COVID of Vanity Fair, one of those magazines, I don't know which one. And there's people saying, like, this staff. Either it's Vanity Fair or people. I don't know, but there's a. They're saying, like, the staff is threatening to leave. And it. For the first time. I've never seen this, but I saw one of the. And it could have just been a bot on Twitter, but someone was like, how do you like it? There's 100 million of us Trumpers, and we'll get. And we will support this magazine. Stand against the fascists. And I was like, whoa, the libs are fascist now?

[Shane Gillis]

The libs.

[Matt]

I didn't know the libs are fascist.

[James]

I gotta give me some of that. Vanity Fair magazine, dude.

[Matt]

They're like, we are 100 million strong. We will support you, Melania, on your cover of Vanity Fair.

[Shane Gillis]

They're both fascists. That's the both sides of carnage.

[Matt]

I think now it's just if someone who disagrees with you is a fact.

[James]

Did you see Marin this week?

[Matt]

No.

[James]

He's coming for Chappelle. He's saying that Netflix standing with Chappelle showed that they were a fascist organization.

[Matt]

They are not.

[James]

Work with them.

[Matt]

He's right. They are.

[Shane Gillis]

No, hold on a second.

[Matt]

Kidding. I'm feeling the wind. I'm feeling the wind shift. I'm going full woke, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm going full.

[Matt]

Well, I am too fascist, dude. What did that guy say in the soccer game? Piece of.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, piece of, dude. Cracker barrel. I was furious. I was livid, dude.

[James]

They reversed it today.

[Shane Gillis]

They took it back. Yeah, they.

[Matt]

What happened?

[James]

That's what you don't like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you can't fold, dude.

[James]

Minimalist, Scandinavian design.

[Shane Gillis]

Cracker barrel. Took the old white guy off the COVID What? And everyone was like, you fucking pussies. Everyone's fascist. That's fascism.

[Matt]

Also, what is even woke about taking an old white guy off a thing? A cracker. But why'd they take the cracker off there?

[James]

They took the cracker and the barrel off.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, the barrel to the barrel just said cracker Barrel. And, like, shitty. It was a terrible redesign, but nobody was mad about. I mean, I guess people were upset. They were like, this is a bad redesign. That would have been a fair critique. But instead people, like, fucking woke. Bullshit.

[James]

It was an extra.

[Shane Gillis]

I want my cracker.

[Matt]

So wait, they put him on. I Don't know. So they did. What was the redesign of it?

[Shane Gillis]

Just said Cracker Barrel.

[James]

It's just a yellow.

[Shane Gillis]

It used to be a guy sitting there next to the word Cracker Barrel. They got rid of the guy.

[Matt]

Was he a Jew?

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, if you really want to look into the history. Yeah, probably.

[Matt]

Purveyor of fine cheeses.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought there was gonna be a logo spaz on the Notre Dame guy.

[Matt]

What do they do with that?

[Shane Gillis]

They changed it to a guy running the football. And when we was that. When we were filming that commercial, they showed me the Under Armour. People were like, here's the new logo. Here's the new leprechaun. And I was like, yo, you guys, you don't know what you're doing. Why they didn't know you changed this guy. You guys are.

[Matt]

Wait, this is the same.

[James]

I thought this guy was still around.

[Shane Gillis]

He's still around something.

[James]

That's how the Reddit board managed to defend it, said, no, every team has a let's not carry something. Alternate logo.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[James]

You can't get rid of this, but.

[Shane Gillis]

Everybody loves the leprechaun.

[James]

That's next week?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's Sunday.

[James]

This Sunday?

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt]

Week zero. Week zero has been good, though.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not gonna go. I gotta go. I'm gonna be in Chicago till Sunday. I'm gonna fly to pa. I'm gonna watch it.

[James]

You're gonna be so close.

[Shane Gillis]

Watch no day. Miami and Pennsylvania. Where? Chicago.

[James]

Chicago.

[Shane Gillis]

It's at Miami.

[Matt]

It's at Miami. Honestly, they don't have a good track record down in Miami.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, you're exactly right.

[Matt]

I've been watching.

[Shane Gillis]

They've had a tough time. You've been grinding the tape.

[Matt]

They.

[Shane Gillis]

They don't do well on at Miami. Because it's fucking Miami. Super Bowl, Freshman. Red Shirt, Matt.

[Matt]

He's a red shirt.

[Shane Gillis]

He's a red shirt. He's going up against Carson Beck, who's a transfer from Georgia, who had a hell of a career, and he's at Miami now. So the quarterback. We'll see. We're gonna have to protect him. We're gonna have to protect young C.J.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's gonna come down to the nose tackle. From what I gather for Miami, you've been grinding. Dude. It's. That's my take. Personally. That's my take. That's going to come down to that.

[Shane Gillis]

Nose tackle because we all know they got that. That defensive end.

[Matt]

Exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

We know about that defensive end. That D tackle can eat up two blockers. And now you're leaving one on one, a tackle with that the end or I mean, God forbid, a fucking running back picking up the pass block.

[Matt]

How long. So when they, when they played Ohio, that one drive was what, about 18 minute drive? Because I want to see him do some first drive.

[Shane Gillis]

It was 18 plays.

[Matt]

18 plays.

[Shane Gillis]

It was the whole first quarter. It was.

[Matt]

Yeah. I want to see, I want to see a couple more little something a little more explosive, a little more dynamic in terms of going down the field.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, that's, that's what we're hoping with this quarterback. He's got more of an arm, does he? Yeah. Last guy was a runner.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

But I'll tell you what, third and one. You're getting that first down with that quarterback.

[Matt]

Yeah, his short air acceleration, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

He's willing to die for that yard. When you see your court, let's say, let's say you're a left tackle, you got a bum ankle, all right? You see your quarterback dive across that first down marker, suddenly that ankle doesn't hurt that bad anymore. You go, this whole team's ready to die right now.

[James]

When it has Jeremiah Loves Buddies holding up. Is he come back?

[Shane Gillis]

I love. His body is looking nice.

[James]

All right, good.

[Shane Gillis]

His body is looking good. We have to keep him healthy. You're exactly right, James, but we got good Jadarian Prices back there and he's Williams. We got some good running backs. I'm not worried about that.

[James]

I followed the whole. On the off season, as svelte boys would walk around the Notre Dame campus and the press coverage is incredible.

[Shane Gillis]

Take a picture of the boys. You go, this kid's looking strong.

[Matt]

It's one way to do it.

[James]

17 year old with beautiful. That's a news story for Notre Dame. A 17 year old with big shoulders just walking around the campus. We saw him smiling with Coach Freeman.

[Shane Gillis]

That's good. That's good stuff. You know who else is? What?

[Matt]

Me.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm the one who's reading that.

[Matt]

Get him, get him.

[James]

Do you make a Reddit exception for reading about Notre Dame?

[Shane Gillis]

No, I stay off Reddit.

[James]

Oh, you get to miss out on.

[Shane Gillis]

All of the real open Reddit. The first thing I see is Shango's blows. I can't get.

[Matt]

On average, he's very positive.

[Shane Gillis]

It's not.

[Matt]

Do you think the coach ever, like during locker time just looks at the muscles of all of his. His team in like a good way? Like, damn, these guys have so many fucking muscles. This is like the, this is a physical machinery. I would.

[Shane Gillis]

No, like, that's a Guy's job.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's my strength and conditioning like out of their mind.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

They're like serious about that.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Just getting that extra.

[Shane Gillis]

You want your team to pass the eye test?

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

You want to win the game. Getting off the bus. You see those boys get off the bus, you go, oh, it's gonna be a long day.

[James]

Like that when we played Georgia and many of them were fat. And the commentary gets stuck in on fat teenagers playing before that's going strength and conditioning program. Might have a couple of questions towards.

[Matt]

I've exhausted all my grind the tape stuff I memorized.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, I'm out. You gotta get one. Lasted as long as I gotta get more. Well, we were watching nasty YouTube videos about the comedy wars. Yeah. I was like, what are we doing? Let's get something. Let's get something positive. I had to stop, put on grind the tape.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Spinal Tap 2. The end continues the long awaited sequel to the comedy classic this is Spinal Tap. And it features all the original cast. Damn. Describe your experience with the film.

[Shane Gillis]

I liked it.

[Matt]

I love this is Final Time.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I've always. I've always enjoyed it.

[Matt]

Guys, if you love the original film, what did you like about it?

[Shane Gillis]

I liked. I like their British accent. That's what I liked.

[Matt]

I. Me too, man. I. I just, man, like, I just.

[Shane Gillis]

Loved seeing the art form of the mockumentary. Really fully explored the way those guys did it and.

[Matt]

Exactly.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't wait to see him do it again.

[Matt]

If you need it, here's a list of some of the actors names. Christopher Guest, Michael McKean.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Harry Shearer, Rob Reiner. Along with cameos from Paul McCartney, Elton John, Lars Ulrich Quest Love and Garth Brooks. Go see Spinal Tap 2. The End continues only in theater September.

[Shane Gillis]

12Th 4am get your tickets. Today it's 4am Go, yo, go see that movie. Christ.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Shopify.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah. Matt, you make my life so much, bro.

[Matt]

You make my life. So it's. It's like. No, I mean, to be fair. To be fair, my life. My life will be hell.

[Shane Gillis]

I know this is a Shopify ad, but bro, so funny though, the prompts to be like, what would you guys do without each other? All right, Shopify.

[Matt]

I'd be literally filling buckets of rocks in front of my dad and going, see how strong I am, Dad, I can throw these in a dumpster for you.

[Shane Gillis]

I think, honestly, we might both be doing that. I think I Probably would have had a job at your dad's rock company going, look at these rocks.

[Matt]

Watch my friend Shane, you can lift four buckets of rocks right now.

[Shane Gillis]

I can do it once. Then I'm gonna be out of breath for.

[Matt]

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[Shane Gillis]

This is out of control. Join Shopify. It's a doll month.

[Matt]

$1 a month. And start selling [e-mail] Matt and Shane.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes. So much, dude.

[Matt]

The fate of the universe hangs in the balance, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, the comedy wars. Yes, dude. The Austin comedy scene's too powerful. LA and New York need to unite to destroy the Austin comedy scene. How are they going to stop it?

[Matt]

It's just so. We have all the butt wipes.

[Shane Gillis]

We have all the butt.

[Matt]

They're. They're. They're doing a nice successful blockade on the butt wipes. They're going into like, deep political theory and being like, it's actually you. I didn't think about that.

[Shane Gillis]

It's going to backfire. You can't do that.

[Matt]

Blue Chew. Are you okay with business?

[Shane Gillis]

You can't call the. You can't call group fascist.

[Matt]

But then you can't say you're not fat.

[Shane Gillis]

Is it going to be like Cracker Barrel? It's going to be like Vanity Fair.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

You can't do that.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

They're going to go, well, there's a.

[Matt]

Thousand disabled guys going, we will shoot with you for my.

[Shane Gillis]

The disabled guys are little, nasty f. They're the ones.

[Matt]

Climber. Why, dude? Yeah, think about it.

[Shane Gillis]

You think because of the disability. This guy must be a sweetheart. Then you talk to him. You go, fucking. This guy's a little climber. This guy a little nasty. Fuck.

[Matt]

Think about the. Think about the drug.

[Shane Gillis]

Any of them. I'm not.

[James]

Some of them don't have a lot of time. They've got to establish the career very quickly.

[Shane Gillis]

I think those guys, they seem good.

[James]

Which specific? The Sabes.

[Matt]

They're all fake, dude. Think about the. Think about the fucking dread and like, drudgery of just being like a healthy young man in an office. You're like, I got to escape this form that is my life. If you strap me down and like scramble my wires, I'd be like, I gotta. I gotta do something about this.

[Shane Gillis]

I. Yeah, you gotta. Nothing but respect for the disabled bros. For sure. Killing it.

[Matt]

I. They get me every time.

[Shane Gillis]

Does New York have any disabled men?

[James]

A lot of stairs in that.

[Shane Gillis]

There's a couple disabled men.

[Matt]

A lot of fake ass.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

True. Yeah. Is that place even fucking. Is that compliant, by the way?

[Shane Gillis]

The stand, if you go in the front. Yeah, they'll get some of those guys.

[Matt]

I was about to make a YouTube video. Thank God. I was about to trash them.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, the New York comedy scene, we're coming for you.

[Matt]

We need ramps.

[Shane Gillis]

We need ramps, dude. That's one thing Austin's got a ton of. Every comedian takes 30 minutes to get to the stage. They gotta sit on one of those. You see our pool parties, everyone's getting dipped in by those chairs.

[Matt]

We should get a zip line from the back. I still get moved every time. And I see a dude with like genuine disabilities doing his thing on stage because it, to me, it's like, I don't.

[Shane Gillis]

I would give in. I would be.

[Matt]

It would just be too much for me. I don't know that my spirit would be resilient enough to practice the sacred art form that a stand up comedy.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, it's such a sacred art. And that's what I've. That's what the thing that's driving me during the comedy wars is how sacred the art is. That's all. Yeah, dude, the comedy wars will pass.

[Matt]

They will. They'll pass. It's.

[James]

Yeah, this is what I was. I got to go to New York, so I'm going.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm going back to Philly for about six months. So yeah, I'm out. The Austin scene, dude. No, I'm back East coast all day.

[James]

I talk to the people in the New York and everyone talks a big game. And then when they see you, they're very interested in knowing how that that's working and can they, can they get a little piece of that? There's a hopelessness out there. You got la, you say, what are the podcasts that you can go on here? They got nothing. They got the Bad Friends universe.

[Shane Gillis]

No, there's a lot. There's a fucking so many. LA and New York are doing great.

[James]

No, New York's doing great. On the podcast.

[Shane Gillis]

LA's got a ton. If you're Billboard's friend, Classman's out there.

[James]

Yes, there's a lot.

[Shane Gillis]

There's a lot.

[James]

And name a fourth. Name a fourth.

[Shane Gillis]

How many are in here?

[James]

We got the Matt and Shane Secret podcast.

[Shane Gillis]

We've got the Job, east coast all day.

[James]

No, you gotta. You gotta take the stuff island being here.

[Shane Gillis]

Philly all day.

[Matt]

That's Philly podcast.

[James]

What am I, Australian podcast?

[Matt]

Philly, it depends on you.

[James]

You got that lovely woman with the tits house. Almost not look at her boobs the whole time.

[Matt]

We're like. We're like the Jews of the comedies.

[Shane Gillis]

We got kicked out of New York.

[James]

Every four years.

[Shane Gillis]

We come in, we take all the butt wipes. We go, yeah, we're going back to Philly. Yeah. True.

[Matt]

Damn. Congress to send, like, 9 million butt wipes to Philadelphia.

[Shane Gillis]

We're gonna get everything. Yeah. Damn. I never thought of us as. Yeah, we are. We are. Tried to go to New York. Almost got spewed out.

[Matt]

So tell people I can't perform on Saturday. Sorry, guys.

[Shane Gillis]

Are you Jewish? No, I'm from. I'm from the Philadelphia comedy scene. I'm Orthodox. You might have heard of us.

[Matt]

I'm orthodox. We have to wear gym shorts at all times.

[Shane Gillis]

We have to return, dude. We have to return to our homeland. Beezer's the only one holding it down.

[Matt]

He's in a tunnel.

[Shane Gillis]

He's is definitely acidic, dude. He's ultra Philly comedy. Yeah. That's what he's doing right now.

[Matt]

For real.

[Shane Gillis]

I can't wait to take my birthright back to Philly.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm so excited.

[Matt]

I also like la. I was just out there special. It's really nice. I like.

[Shane Gillis]

Great. Comedy Store is great.

[Matt]

I know. I like everywhere.

[Shane Gillis]

Everything's. Yeah.

[Matt]

I hope it doesn't devolve into a Biggie Tupac situation. I don't want to see.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I don't see Joe DeRosa get shot in 92. He.

[Shane Gillis]

He's also a Philly. He's one of us. He migrates. Anyway, you see pictures with Tony.

[Matt]

Like, he has a deli. Dude. He has a Jewish deli.

[Shane Gillis]

Philly. He's also.

[Matt]

Yeah, he's extreme scientists, though.

[Shane Gillis]

Ultra extreme. What a good time.

[Matt]

Everyone will relax and have a good time.

[Shane Gillis]

I really don't.

[Matt]

I'm telling you, the butt wipe money is driving everyone crazy.

[James]

How much are these butt people paying for podcasts? My booty too clean for them to have been in touch with me.

[Shane Gillis]

But I. You wouldn't believe.

[James]

I would love.

[Shane Gillis]

No offense. Dude, your booty must be a fucking. You shower, like, every three days. Must be a goddamn dessert.

[Matt]

What's the ass like for real?

[James]

Well, the ass doesn't exist, so it's straight butthole to a. Oh, we were.

[Shane Gillis]

Just talking about that.

[Matt]

Yeah, okay.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, it's easy to get in for sure.

[James]

Absolutely no worries. For like three days I've become a daily habitual shower.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I. You're gonna have to.

[James]

Not today, obviously, but most.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, God damn.

[Matt]

Before bedtime. That's what I do. I do before bedtime.

[Shane Gillis]

You got to shower before bed.

[Matt]

Before bedtime. Like I. If I feel. If my legs feel even like a dry sweat on them at all. I got to get out of bed, shower up.

[James]

Seriously. How much is the bum money, James?

[Matt]

It's literally started. It's like oil money. Just look up how much a barrel of oil is.

[Shane Gillis]

Same fucking price, same thing.

[James]

None of them will. That's when I could actually. They try and get me for the. I couldn't do condoms and I don't think I could do sports bet gambling because wipes have never been in touch. I would love to. I could do erection ones.

[Matt]

Boner pills.

[James]

I'd say I do like the payday ones. I've never had a problem with getting an erection, but if I did.

[Matt]

Yes. There's butt wipes. Yeah. Butt wipes is obviously the biggest.

[James]

I'm hearing the butt wipes everywhere. Sometimes a video game that seems like a good.

[Shane Gillis]

You get a video game.

[Matt]

Careful. That's like putting on the ring. Once you read one butt wipes app.

[James]

Why is Coca Cola not getting involved or something? Where is it? Where's Cracker Barrel? Cracker Barrel should double pivot back.

[Shane Gillis]

I was hoping they didn't pivot so I could get another commercial.

[Matt]

True.

[James]

You wanted to be the face of.

[Shane Gillis]

I would easily do that. I love Cracker Barrel. I would support Cracker Barrel.

[Matt]

What they're. They have like a good. I knew people who, like, loved Cracker Barrel and I think it was like the cheddar. They got the. They got some good cheddar going on there.

[Shane Gillis]

I believe there's a Cracker Barrel right next to my house. Growing up, used to hit it. Didn't hit it as much as I should have.

[Matt]

Biscuit. They got biscuits out on there.

[Shane Gillis]

I probably went like once and it was like a 10 minute drive. There's nothing.

[Matt]

I think I went to Cracker Barrel once as well.

[Shane Gillis]

Right next to a Best Western and a pitch and putt.

[Matt]

Did you know anyone who's like, who like, loves cracking? I knew one person in my life who, like, loved Cracker Barrel.

[Shane Gillis]

I've hit a Cracker Barrel on the road and been like, genuinely pumped. This place is decent. Yeah. Wasn't. Wasn't Cracker Barrel like a big candy? Like, isn't that their front? You go get some hard candy up front. That's all I remember. I went there. The gift shop. Gift shops popping.

[Matt]

What did they sell?

[James]

Rocking chairs, old toys, beautiful dresses for Chase.

[Shane Gillis]

Rock candy.

[Matt]

That's all I remember is that rock.

[Shane Gillis]

Candy on the street. People like to put racism on Cracker Barrel, and I don't like it.

[Matt]

What were they racist about?

[Shane Gillis]

I think when I used to go.

[James]

I have seen many black people waiting tables at the Cracker Barrel. That is not a racist establishment at all.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, that's not how you say.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's.

[James]

Is that not it? Is that not cool?

[Shane Gillis]

That would be the most racist black people.

[Matt]

Waiters. They're giving jobs in waiters. Kind of star of the show, to be honest.

[James]

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say something.

[Shane Gillis]

Well, it's okay. It's not that serious. Don't worry, dude. We're under the spotlight. Though the podcast force never give him.

[James]

They go in the Austin comedy scene except Shane Gillis, and then they move on. They.

[Matt]

They Philly till I die, dude. They don't want the ADL coming after them, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

They know I'm here. Yeah, true. I'm exactly. I might be Netanyahu from Philly.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

God damn. I was in Ardmore. That was my last job. I'm.

[Matt]

Your ancestry dot com. Connect you right to David.

[Shane Gillis]

I did. Went straight to David. I did my medieval dynasty. The first player was David.

[Matt]

It'll blow over. It's a bunch of bullshit, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It's kind of embarrassing.

[Matt]

It is. It's deeply, deeply a bunch of bickering. I don't like it.

[James]

We're better together.

[Matt]

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

[James]

Stop Austin. Hate.

[Shane Gillis]

That's what I say. Stop Austin. Don't make Austin beating us up in the street, throwing us in front of trains. And stop Austin hate.

[Matt]

Yeah, true. Who do you think's. You think it's a New York comic who's been murdering everyone by Lady Bird.

[Shane Gillis]

Lake, sir, Without a doubt.

[Matt]

Seems immature.

[James]

Mark Marin is stalking the streets at.

[Shane Gillis]

Night, killing hacks, slaying all the hacks.

[Matt]

Say he might be on Assassin's Creed. Just sits in the back of an open mic and goes, I do respect inspired.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Yeah. I do respect being old and just being like hacks sucks. They're all hacks. That could be the life cycle. I'm in open micro. I was sitting around going, everyone, everyone's a hack. Piece of. They suck. Yeah.

[James]

This is what You've done since day one.

[Shane Gillis]

Who have I called a hack?

[James]

I've seen you up the back of comedy rooms.

[Shane Gillis]

Okay. In private.

[James]

Yeah, private.

[Shane Gillis]

You're very good in public, but no.

[James]

Yeah, I'll be. I remember the. One of the first times we hung out, we were at the Cellar, and I was watching. When I said, this guy's good, you're like, it's cheap. Everything he does is cheap.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I wouldn't say it like that.

[James]

I remember being like, ah, he's gonna watch me at some point. I'm gonna get.

[Shane Gillis]

Who was it. Blank this out.

[James]

I. I don't actually. I couldn't. I couldn't tell you. I would never throw someone under the bus like that.

[Matt]

True. Not a brother.

[Shane Gillis]

The brotherhood will be back.

[Matt]

The brotherhood will be back. I. Trust me, bro.

[James]

But you will also call it when a person is good and people dislike them in the scene, you will champion them. In the reverse, you'll go, true. That guy's actually great. And you don't know what you're talking about.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Look at you.

[James]

I walked into that. I walked right into that. And I. I understand.

[Matt]

You set a trap and fell right into it.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, No, I. If I'm sitting there saying somebody sucks on stage, it's usually because I'm about to go next and I'm nervous.

[Matt]

That's a hype up for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

Let me sit there going, this guy sucks, dude. That's a hack. Trash that. Then I get done with my side. I'm like, you did great, man. That was really good.

[Matt]

I'm really relieved right now. I'm ready to socialize.

[James]

I actually. I want to. I want to bounce out with a positive anecdote because it was the same night that that happened, there was a comedian that you really liked that other people were shitting on. And I won't say it. You got into it, and I actually wanted to go home. I wanted order the Uber and take us back. But you stood arguing for 90 minutes defending someone's comedic chops.

[Shane Gillis]

Nice.

[James]

Yes. Do you not remember that? I mean, you were. You'd had a few.

[Matt]

Thank you for that, by the way.

[Shane Gillis]

No, hold on now. We'll blank it out. Who was it? Wow. Wow. Yeah. Well, that's. What. Yeah. If you. Come on, man. That's just hanging around the Cellar. That's just table stuff, you know?

[Matt]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

That's just being at the table.

[Matt]

It's nice. That's a nice templar. That's where that kind of talk belongs. Dude, you can't. You can't can't give it out to.

[Shane Gillis]

The civilians for free. Dude.

[Matt]

You can't defuse the legendary.

[Shane Gillis]

So many assassins down here. We got.

[Matt]

No, it'll. It'll cool down.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, let's.

[Matt]

Once they replace all of our jobs with AI, we'll chill out. But hey, man, I'm sorry what I said back in 2025.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[James]

I've been getting the way. They've been giving me the Waymos for the first time.

[Shane Gillis]

I still haven't been in one.

[James]

Now once they crack, I think they. They eventually go, do you want one Waymo? And if you like it, then they just. Nothing but Waymos.

[Matt]

They're the new.

[Shane Gillis]

They suck.

[Matt]

What's good with them? I hate the way most. Maybe because far from the city.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I didn't get smoking. Smoking cigs. In a way.

[Matt]

I think I got away with this scot free. You're on cam, are you? That's off record.

[James]

What were you doing in the Waymo?

[Matt]

I was smoking a cigarette in the Waymo. But I didn't get in trouble. But it takes too long. Maybe I live too far away.

[James]

They don't want to go on the freeway.

[Matt]

They can't go on the highway. So it'll take you like 30 minutes to do like a 10 minute drive. How'd you smoke the cig? Opened up the window, lit it up.

[James]

With the mouth?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, with my blood.

[Matt]

So you can't as you're on cams? They couldn't say. I'd imagine. But you got to be on camera, right.

[James]

They tell you you're on. We're watching you.

[Matt]

Yeah. And if you sat, I'd imagine if you sat right behind the seat up against it, you could in theory beat off in the Waymo. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I guarantee a lot of people have jacked.

[Matt]

Yeah. I was thinking it might be just like Jack shacks.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

People drink beers in there, there'll be beers left in there. It seems like it's kind of just open season on those. It sounds awesome from what you're describing. It's awesome. It just takes way too long and it drives me nuts when I'm.

[James]

This is so weird to thank. I. I go to get. I go thank you. And then I go, ah.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

I. My. They're like the new punch buggies for my kids. My kids see those and they're like robot car.

[Shane Gillis]

So I'm like, I'm. I'm gonna be honest. I'm with your kids on that.

[Matt]

It's. Yeah, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

First couple times I saw the robot cars, I was like driving by myself. Oh.

[Matt]

Oh. Robot Looking to verify nobody's driving that.

[Shane Gillis]

No one's driving that. That's. That's crazy. I'm gonna flick it. I'm gonna swerve at it.

[James]

I do that all the time. Try and threaten the way. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I threaten those waymos.

[Matt]

Sometimes they threaten you. They're not very good at driving still. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I've been cut off by flying back to Australia though.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Waymo. Sounds like a nice derogatory Australian term.

[Matt]

Get out of here.

[Shane Gillis]

You Waymark. Look at you way more.

[James]

I've been nice to take some new slurs back. Sadly. We.

[Shane Gillis]

You guys have good slurs.

[James]

When I go back to. You know. Whenever I go back I'm going to lose all my Australian things that I can say over here that no one understands.

[Matt]

But you can do American.

[James]

I don't say. Actually forget that.

[Matt]

I.

[James]

There's. We know all the American ones. Sadly.

[Matt]

Ah. Yeah.

[James]

You do Waymo.

[Shane Gillis]

And Waymo is nice back.

[James]

Not that I like saying that. Is that a wet. Wet back?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[James]

We don't call anybody that. We don't have.

[Shane Gillis]

What did you think it was?

[James]

Who the fudge you got back? There's the south park episode where they have goo.

[Shane Gillis]

What was the other one?

[James]

A wet back.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[James]

Terrible thing. I'm told to call somebody.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You shouldn't say that.

[James]

But our Latin Americans are all rich people. They flew over. We don't have any walk in Latin Americans. We only have the. The Venezuelans who've got.

[Matt]

Do you have an appointment? Sir?

[James]

Every Latin American person is an aristocrat. In my country, people have fled Venezuela because they were being cruel to the middle classes. They come out.

[Matt]

Really.

[James]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Huh.

[James]

It's a very fancy.

[Matt]

Yeah. Venezuela is an. What was the other one? There's Venezuela and blanking on the name of the South American country where all the. The Nazis went.

[Shane Gillis]

Argentina.

[Matt]

Yeah. Argentina. Buenos Aires.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. I. That's. That's my way mo. Whenever I meet someone who's like. Oh, they're Argentinian and they're like white. I go.

[Shane Gillis]

He's like.

[Matt]

Tap my wife. I'm like. This grandfather might have been a Nazi. Don't freak out.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I learned about that on a YouTube video. What did your grandparents do?

[Shane Gillis]

They might have. I wonder if Argentina had natural honks because it's so far from the equator. But I don't know who walked there or how the civilization started down there.

[Matt]

I never thought about that.

[Shane Gillis]

They might have naturalized honks just because it's so far from the equator. It's like being from North America.

[Matt]

Interesting.

[James]

But then we didn't have any natural honks.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, there were no natural honks on this hemisphere.

[Matt]

Yeah. Maybe Aryan wanderers from way back when.

[Shane Gillis]

True stuff of Nazi from 1940 some Aryan wanderers.

[Matt]

Was superior. Yeah. It was their technology.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Lionel Messi's awfully white.

[Matt]

True. Yeah, they. Dude, I. I didn't read the book but I. I got it on my whatchamacallit on my audible and it's all about the Indo European language and how it's like. It is kind of weird that English is kind of close in a way to Sanskrit and all those like Middle Eastern languages bear resemblance to English which kind of.

[James]

Well then there's the weird. There's the Finns who seem to come from no nowhere and the Hungarians, they have their weird thing. My favorite is the Pacific Islander people. So try.

[Matt]

What about them?

[James]

No one knows where they come from.

[Matt]

I know they just.

[Shane Gillis]

How they keep getting on other islands.

[Matt]

Dude, they're just wayfinders, bro. Raps put your hand in the water.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I know but I mean they were just getting on tree made canoes and going.

[James]

They made it to Madagascar.

[Shane Gillis]

They made it so far.

[Matt]

It's crazy, man. Impossibly far it's up. When you see the raft technology, it's pretty insane.

[Shane Gillis]

And then to just get there and.

[Matt]

Go all right, yeah, fired up.

[Shane Gillis]

Let's get some. Hopefully they brought a woman.

[Matt]

Yeah, they probably had a couple. A couple babes.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy way.

[James]

And then the boat. But the.

[Shane Gillis]

All right, let's switch over to the Patreon. That's a disgusting way to end it.

[James]

I love people.

[Shane Gillis]

All right, goodbye.

[James]

My wife is Samoan.