Ep 581 - Teenis Fly Trap (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast Ep 581 – “Teenis Fly Trap” (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Date: October 15, 2025
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guest: Lemaire Lee

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Overview

This episode is a wild, fast-moving ride covering everything from political banter and current events, to festival adventures, sports, and some characteristically irreverent talks about pornography, strip clubs, and suicide nets. Comedian Lemaire Lee joins in for extra laughs and energy. The hosts riff on Trump-era headlines, government shutdown woes, college football fanaticism, risky festival drug combinations, awkward fan interactions, and their singular take on the human condition. All the while, the group maintains their signature blend of authenticity, self-deprecation, and sharp-edged humor.

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Major Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Allergies, Bugs, and Dust Mite Poop

• [00:08] Shane opens by sharing he’s allergic to dust mite poop, to everyone’s surprise.

  “When you’re allergic to dust mites, you’re actually allergic to their poop. That’s what gets.” — Shane [00:13]
  “You never would have even considered their poop.” — Matt [00:20]

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2. Trump, Peace in the Middle East & The List

• [00:35] – [05:30]
  The guys riff on Donald Trump’s recent headlines about “bringing peace to the Middle East,” his braggadocio, and the infamous “list”—a running reference to scandals and transgressions.
  • Matt notes the media is even giving Trump some credit:

    “He’s like, I don’t think I’m ever getting to heaven, but I’m just going to try to help as many people as I can.” — Matt (on Trump, paraphrasing) [02:01]

  • Lemaire sarcastically asks:

    “How many people has Christ deported?” — Lemaire [02:14]

• They joke about the tension between public persona and private transgressions, jumping between serious and absurd.

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3. Government Shutdowns & College Football Flyovers

• [03:16] – [04:09]
  The group laments that government shutdowns only seem real when they cancel military flyovers at college games.

  “I’ll tell you when it does affect me is when there’s no flyover at the Oklahoma Texas game.” — Matt [03:16]

• The hosts try to untangle Democrat vs. Republican blame, deflecting with humor.

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4. Roasting Political Stereotypes

• [06:13] – [07:05] Stories about getting called “Democrats” as insults from tow truck drivers and frat kids, illustrating regional and cultural divides through playful self-deprecation.

  “A kid at Florida State said I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago, and it’s stuck with me. It’s been four years.” — Matt [06:31]

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5. Festival Adventures, Edibles, and T-Pain at ACL

The convoluted journey to see T-Pain at Austin City Limits:

• [17:15] – [21:30]
  • Shane recounts eating mushrooms and edibles, getting stuck in security, and finally finding solace in portable rocking chairs during T-Pain’s electrifying set.
  • Love for T-Pain’s energy, showmanship, and humor:

    “T-Pain… is an absolute master of craft… I just got to watch T-Pain… He brought me back to life. That guy brought me back to life.” — Shane [20:07]

  • Drum circles at kids’ events are lauded for their communal energy.

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6. Porn Talk: Algorithms, Racial Stereotypes, and Platform Problems

• [13:26] – [16:04]
  • Critique of current porn sites, dodgy content, and the “speakeasy” vibe post-pornhub policy changes.
  • Lemaire laments racial tropes in porn algorithms:

    “Every time there’s a porn with one white lady, there’s like, four black guys. I don’t understand. Why does she need a yard of dick?” — Lemaire [14:40]

  • The table riffs on the “barely legal” genre and changing perceptions as they get older.

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7. Sports Fandom—Notre Dame, Alabama, and College Affiliations

• [08:21] – [12:09]

  • Debate about which college football teams to support, with Matt detailing the rich (sometimes problematic) histories of schools and joking about mascot dogs:

    “No, we did have a little tiny dog named Clashmore Mike, who used to rock Clash more.” — Matt [09:29]

• Shane relishes firing the cannon at games and Governor Abbott’s appearance, leading to a side-rant about Texas weed laws and “losing access to The Hub” (Pornhub).

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8. Drug Use, All-Nighters, and Richard Pryor’s Crack Fire

• [31:44] – [33:05]
  • Lemaire and Shane recount failed all-nighters and discuss Richard Pryor setting himself on fire:

    “He would dip like cotton in some really high proof rum and then he would light that and then he would light the crack pipe.” — Lamar [32:19] “He started pouring the rum on himself… he went up in flames.” — Lemaire [32:33]

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9. Weird Cigarette Tech and European Innovations

• [33:52] – [36:47]
  • Shane tries a European vape/cig hybrid—delivered by some Brits at ACL—and the group debates smoking styles and whether they’re “gay” or “cool.”

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10. Fan Interactions & The Paradox of Comedian Fame

• [25:50] – [27:27]
  • Awkward stories about being recognized (or not), mistaking strangers for fans, and the odd boundaries with listeners:

    “It’s very embarrassing where a guy will say something…I thought you were my friend from the Internet, but you’re not. My bad.” — Shane [25:50]

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11. Aging, Parents, and Existential Dread

• [27:43] – [28:39]
  • Lemaire and the crew joke—but with real feeling—about their parents aging, and the “exit velocity” as you realize time moves faster.

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12. Gambling and Long Drinking Sessions

• [28:41] – [30:11]
  • Stories about Matt’s dad’s expertise in pacing himself while drinking and gambling and the perils of long day-drinking.

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13. Charlie Sheen, “Tiger Blood,” and Nic Cage Out-Party-Tales

• [41:08] – [42:18]
  • Lemaire raves about a new Charlie Sheen documentary, describing war stories of weaning off cocaine and Sheen’s “tiger blood” phase:

    “I’m basically one of, like, the Papal assassins. Pure. He’s like dragon blood… Tiger blood, that’s it.” — Shane [42:09]

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14. Religion, Boss Men, and Muslim Culture

• [42:56] – [44:55]
  • The dangerous appeal of ‘boss man’ religious self-help, with jokes about “white Muslims” and cultural perceptions of marriage and status.

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15. America vs. China: Myths, Memes, and Tech Rivalry

• [45:32] – [47:45]
  • The group pokes holes in viral “China facts,” like gravity batteries and bone-healing sprays, noting much is meme-driven:

    “This is all made up. This is all made up.” — Matt [46:27]

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16. Humanitarian Hypocrisy & The China/Israel Lecture

• [47:52] – [48:48]
  • Ironies of criticizing other countries’ human rights while benefiting from exploitative systems.

    “China was like, those kids should be working. Stop killing all those kids. You gotta put them to work.” — Matt [48:28]

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17. Suicide Nets, Topgolf Mishaps, and Bridge Jokes

• [48:49] – [54:05]
  • Macabre riffs on suicide nets at factories, bridges, and Topgolf; why it’s more humiliating to get caught in a net than die:

    “Worse than a death, though, bro. Caught in the topgolf net.” — Matt [50:06] “Your ass is out to your family.” — Shane [50:52]

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18. Strip Clubs, “Flaccos,” and Old Pros

• [59:38] – [61:16]
  • Metaphors of old strippers (“Flaccos”), Kelly Blue Book pricing, and the wisdom of aged pros versus ingenues:

    “An old stripper’s called a Flacco. I’ll tell you what. He still got it. Still got it.” — Matt [60:03] “Yeah, they know the playbook. Front, back.” — Matt [61:16]

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19. Daydreaming—AutoTrader, Houses, VR, and “Mature Naturals”

• [61:53] – [64:48]
  • Joking about browsing house magazines at Wawa, and imagining a VR world where everyone has “mature naturals” for neighbors.

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20. Final Riffs: Peace in the Middle East, Deepfakes, and Absurdity

• [58:12] – [64:48]
  • Parodying global politics, the deepfake age, and the confusion of moral credit and blame as genuine jokes about modern absurdity abound.

    “It’s like… sell arms and do, you know, diplomatic stuff… I’m trying to keep the American exceptionalism dream alive, man.” — Shane [45:42] “We could get a little mature natural island going.” — Matt [63:25]

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Trump’s humility:

  “He’s like, I don’t think I’m ever getting into heaven, but I’m just going to try to help as many people as I can. It was like, don, you have no idea how Christ-like that actually was.” — Matt, [02:01]

• On awkward politics:

  “A kid at Florida State said I looked like I voted for Biden… It’s been four years.” — Matt, [06:31]

• On T-Pain at ACL:

  “He brought me to life. That guy brought me back to life.” — Shane, [20:07]

• On porn site problems:

  “Every time there’s a porn with one white lady, there’s like, four black guys. I don’t understand. Why does she need a yard of dick?” — Lemaire, [14:40]

• On dramatic drug stories:

  “He started pouring the rum on himself… and he went up in flames.” — Lemaire, [32:33]

• On suicide nets:

  “Worse than a death, though, bro. Caught in the topgolf net.” — Matt, [50:06] “Your ass is out to your family.” — Shane, [50:52]

• On strip club “veterans”:

  “An old stripper’s called a Flacco. I’ll tell you what. He still got it.” — Matt, [60:03]

• On VR house dreams:

  “We could just, like, walk outside and there’s, like, a white picket fence. I was like, hey neighbor, place looks great. You get to go, thanks, buddy.” — Matt, [63:23]

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Episode Tone & Style

The tone is raucous, irreverent, and rapid-fire. The comedians are unapologetically themselves—crisscrossing between social commentary, absurd personal confessions, and relentless one-upmanship. Banter and teasing give the show a laid-back, locker room energy, but there is also a sharp comedic intelligence and satirical edge running throughout.

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Key Segments by Timestamp

• [00:08] – Dust mite allergy revelations
• [00:35] – Trump, the Middle East, and “the list”
• [03:16] – College football and government shutdown rant
• [06:13] – “Damn” as an insult stories
• [13:26] – Porn sites algorithms & stereotypes
• [17:15] – T-Pain at ACL, festival drug journey
• [25:50] – Fan/parasocial encounters
• [27:43] – On parents aging
• [28:41] – Matt’s dad’s gambling & drinking stamina
• [31:44] – Failed all-nighters; Richard Pryor fire story
• [33:52] – Euro vape/cig inventions
• [41:08] – Charlie Sheen doc, “tiger blood”
• [42:56] – Religion & “boss man” culture
• [45:32] – US vs China meme analysis
• [48:49] – Suicide nets & Topgolf fails
• [54:09] – Foam pit and ocean rescue stories
• [59:38] – Mature “Flaccos” at the strip club
• [61:53] – House magazines and VR yards
• [63:25] – “Mature natural island” bit

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Matt and Shane keep their anti-hero status alive, delivering a hilariously unfiltered take on current life—and, in their own way, celebrating small mercies and victories in a crazy world.

Transcript

[Matt]

The wild wild West. Maybe I'm allergic to alternaria.

[Shane]

Outbreak.

[Matt]

All right. Hey, whoa. Alternaria, I hope. I don't even know what that is.

[Shane]

Do you know dust mites? When you're allergic to dust mites, you're actually allergic to their poop. That's what gets.

[Matt]

You never would have even considered their poop.

[Shane]

Not me either. I actually have a dust mite allergy and it's the I was breathing in their poop that was getting me.

[Lamar]

We know bugs pooped.

[Shane]

Yeah, they poop. Yeah, everything. Everybody poops, bro.

[Lamar]

They do eat.

[Shane]

Yeah, if you eat, you poop.

[Matt]

Now what were you saying about Trump old liberal ass view? Ass.

[Lamar]

I'm trying to be peaceful. He brought peace to the Middle East. Dude, you gotta, you gotta give the man his problem.

[Matt]

He's hot dogging, dude.

[Shane]

I've saw the articles. I haven't seen his talks.

[Matt]

He's a hot dog.

[Shane]

I saw him call that lady beautiful. That was.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's his part of it. That's part of his victory. He's like, yo, what's up? We got bad behind me. If you don't mind me saying, you're a bad. Anyway, suck my dick, everybody. I knew I could do it. And every other world leader is like, it. Yeah, he did it.

[Lamar]

He did it.

[Shane]

I mean, I, I always said before that'd be nice if we just tricked all the billionaires into being like, dude, if you like, you know, it was the best. If you really, truly give away like a billion bucks, you're the man. They're like, I. I'll do that.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane]

Trump being like, you won't bring peace the Middle east, you. He's like, watch me.

[Matt]

For real.

[Shane]

It's kind of nice. He's.

[Matt]

Yeah, he's also. I mean, he's putting out great clips this week.

[Shane]

Is he.

[Matt]

I mean, yeah, it's feeling good. Everybody's kind. The media is kind of on it. Like, they're like, we got to give you credit for this. And he's like, yeah, that's what the. I thought. But there's one there. Like, cuz he had mentioned before about if he can do this, he, he might be able to get into heaven. Did you hear that one? No, no. And there was a, there was a reporter this time on Air Force One was like, do you think you're going to get into heaven now? And he was like, nah, I don't think I'm ever getting into heaven. But dang, it's just a beast.

[Shane]

That's so funny.

[Matt]

He's like, I don't think I'm ever going to get into heaven, but I'm just going to try to help as many people as I can. It was like, don, you have no idea how Christ. Like, that actually was.

[Shane]

Yeah, true.

[Matt]

That's the actual message.

[Shane]

True.

[Matt]

You accidentally stumbled upon the real message.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Lamar]

How many people have Christ deported?

[Shane]

What?

[Lamar]

How many people has Christ deported?

[Matt]

A bunch of Jews at the temple.

[Lamar]

When he was mad. Yeah. At one time.

[Matt]

Per capita, he deported a lot.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You can't even give him his flowers for 10 seconds.

[Lamar]

I gave him his flowers. I've been giving him his flowers all week. But it's all right. Bring the government back.

[Shane]

How do you think about. How do you feel about the National Guard?

[Matt]

Didn't the Dems shut it down?

[Lamar]

No, the Dems can't shut it down.

[Shane]

What do you mean?

[Lamar]

They don't have enough power to shut down the government? Yeah.

[Shane]

It's a pub shut down.

[Matt]

Is it a pub shut down?

[Lamar]

The pub. They still control all the seats.

[Shane]

It shuts down constantly. And everyone's like, the government shut down and nobody cares. It's like. Because it shut down 50 times, it never affects. Because I don't work for the government.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

If I work for the government, I'd be like, my job's closed right now. I don't work for the government. So when it shuts down, I'm like, what, am I not going to get parking tickets? Good. I don't care if the government shuts down. Sorry.

[Matt]

I'll tell you when it does affect me is when there's no flyover at the Oklahoma. Texas game.

[Shane]

Okay, That's.

[Matt]

And there was supposed to be a flyover at the Notre Dame game.

[Shane]

That's fucking Bullshit.

[Matt]

I think F35. I was excited about that.

[Shane]

They for real canceled it because the.

[Matt]

Government shutdown and shut down no flyovers. I think somebody said that.

[Shane]

Explain yourself.

[Matt]

Fucking Middle East. Give me some flyovers.

[Shane]

Can we have flown one plane to the Middle east and over the stadium?

[Matt]

You see if I'm right about the government. The government shutdown affecting my college football flyovers.

[Lamar]

They were so hyped for that, too.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

There's nothing better.

[Shane]

I'm sorry. For real. I'm really sorry.

[Matt]

That's fucking bullshit.

[Shane]

Yeah. Jinx.

[Matt]

Government shutdown takes away flyovers. We can't have this.

[Sean]

Yes, it can affect military flyovers at sporting events.

[Matt]

Did Chuck Schumer have anything to do with this shutdown?

[Shane]

I looked that up, too.

[Sean]

This says it was. They basically blame both parties. On this one, but it goes back and forth.

[Matt]

If that was a liberal rag, I'm sure it just means it was the.

[Lamar]

You can't blame the Dems. They don't have, like, enough.

[Sean]

Well, they motioned for something in Congress and then that led to a shutdown and the pubs did the same thing. So it's kind of like, you know.

[Lamar]

We'Re completely forgetting about the list. He brought peace to the Middle east and we forget about the damn list.

[Shane]

Yeah. I mean, dude, it's still bad. Although it's good. He's brought peace in the Middle East. I'll be. It's withstanding, you know.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

The scales of justice are tipping in his side a little.

[Matt]

Six, seven there point. That's how old the kids were.

[Shane]

Yeah. At what point do you say, like.

[Matt]

Man, all right, well, never.

[Shane]

We'll erase you off there. Let you erase yourself off there.

[Matt]

Still need list, but shout out. Shout out to peace in the Middle east for now.

[Lamar]

Shout out to peace. Yeah.

[Matt]

Bill Clinton came out, was like, nice, nice work. And Trump was like, dude, Bill's the man.

[Shane]

So sick.

[Matt]

Not a good thing to say during the list.

[Lamar]

I don't want to send his wife to jail anymore, dude.

[Shane]

Yeah, the it. I. I know a lot of, like, the people. I don't even know what it's called. His DOJ or DDOJ have been getting pressed because didn't they're like alleging that someone. The Trump administration basically was like, let me know if my name comes up in that thing. And they'll ask them point blank. And they'll be like, I'm not playing these stupid games with you guys. You guys can play games all day. What about the crime in the cities of Democrat mayors? How about that?

[Matt]

Honestly, it's like talking to my d.

[Shane]

Just answer the question.

[Matt]

Go home and go, dad, Trump's a pervert. Yeah. All right, well, why don't you go hang out in Chicago, Tell me how that goes Democrat. All right.

[Shane]

My brother's been calling my parents dams. It's been pissing them off.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Cleaning lady from Ecuador.

[Matt]

Cleaning lady. Oh, man.

[Shane]

He goes, dude, how about you get some Americans in here, you guys? They're like busting his balls about. He goes, you guys are Dems, man. Classy.

[Matt]

Oh, you think.

[Shane]

You think I'm a damn.

[Matt]

My dad gets so mad, resulting it kills them. A kid at Florida State said I looked like I voted for Biden a while ago, and it's stuck with me. Yeah, it's been four years.

[Shane]

I was trying to parallel.

[Matt]

Yeah, it was a Killer insult. He was on a balcony, bro.

[Shane]

Do what?

[Matt]

He was a frat kid from Florida State on a balcony and he yelled down at us.

[Shane]

I got. I got damned by a tow truck driver, which at least is a little better. But I was trying to parallel park and it wasn't fast enough for me. So I drive like a Democrat and.

[Matt]

Zoomed off and I was like, I gotta be honest. Damn tow truck. A working collar or a blue collar? Man, that hurts.

[Shane]

Yeah, it hurt me, man.

[Matt]

I had like a. Just a frack.

[Shane]

Is that's what I'm saying? That's. You could take that. Although that kind of hurts even more.

[Matt]

Yeah, that hurts more too.

[Shane]

Then you're like, I'm the tow truck driver. I was like, you got me, bro.

[Matt]

You're lucky I don't come up there and beat your ass.

[Shane]

Yeah, I'm not. I don't. I'm like, terrible. You ever, like, go get your car back from one of those places? Yeah, it's all just tinted out glass.

[Matt]

Junkyard by the.

[Shane]

Yeah, dude. It's like, yeah, there's just guys on meth fighting over junk cars. I'm like, you guys. Whatever you say. Yes, yes, sir. College kid. You would kick it around being like, I should have punched him in his.

[Matt]

Yeah, but he was. He was at a party up on a balcony.

[Shane]

Ah.

[Matt]

It's like, dude, what do you want me, like, I'll come up there and get my ass kicked by 20 hot guys.

[Lamar]

Throwing.

[Shane]

You should have thrown something. Throwing something at too high.

[Matt]

You would have missed. Would have been short. He would have been like, classic Biden voter. It would have been short.

[Shane]

Forget it. That would have been brutal, dude.

[Matt]

Way worse.

[Shane]

Just having a beer bottle fall down.

[Matt]

Back towards you like 20ft in the air.

[Shane]

Ma.

[Matt]

Slips out the bottom of your head. Look like Kirke Ring from the Phillies trying to get it home. It's just a girl throw for no reason. It's an MLB pitcher. Why did it look like a girl throw?

[Lamar]

Damn, dude. That was a tough Philly week.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That sucked. Yeah, that Longhorn Sooner game was very fun.

[Lamar]

Hooking.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. You guys Longhorn fans now?

[Lamar]

Yeah. Shout out.

[Matt]

You gotta pick a college team eventually. Yeah, I think. I can't go 2. I can't go Bama and Long. Can't go Bama.

[Shane]

Bama was fun.

[Matt]

Such a.

[Lamar]

Are they both in the SEC though? Yeah, you gotta pick one. Same division.

[Matt]

You guys hate me. Dude, Bama's a crazy pick. My real friends pick. No, it ain't.

[Shane]

How'd they do this week, by the way.

[Matt]

They're still rolling, bro.

[Shane]

They want.

[Matt]

This is a big one this week, though. Usc. The Trojans. The Trojans are coming to town.

[Lamar]

I don't like the Irish guy.

[Shane]

What?

[Matt]

All time classic logo. Everybody likes the logo.

[Shane]

I'll be honest, that might.

[Matt]

That makes it a little tough for me too. The Fighting Irish. Go.

[Shane]

I gotta say, go Irish all the time.

[Matt]

So you picked the two most racist schools. No name, beat up the clan and marched with Dr. Dr. King. Come on, man. Side by side, arms locked with Dr. King.

[Lamar]

Yeah, but do they have Bevo? You guys got a Bevo?

[Matt]

No, we did have a little tiny dog named Clashmore Mike, who used to rock Clash more. Mike. Yeah, bring back Clash.

[Lamar]

Bring him back.

[Shane]

I don't know how. There's still so much to learn about Notre Dame. I thought I knew all this. I didn't know they had a tiny.

[Matt]

Dog named as old as the country.

[Shane]

It's really.

[Matt]

I mean, 100 years later, but yeah, yeah, true. It's from the 1800s.

[Shane]

Dang.

[Matt]

Yeah. There's a lot of history.

[Shane]

Damn. So football, there was. They were pre existed. Football, they were there before football.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

That's crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What the hell?

[Matt]

What the helly? This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. I love being right most of the time I am, which is great for me, especially when it comes to my basketball picks. You know, I love hoops. They're even better than my football picks. Because Prize Picks being right can get you paid.

[Shane]

And it's great to see you've lost none of that modesty we all love you for, huh? But it's good you're so confident in your picks because Prize Picks is the only app that offers stacks, meaning you can pick the same player up to three times in the same lineup. Want to pick more on Steph Curry's points, three pointers, and assists?

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

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[Matt]

That's crazy.

[Shane]

Yeah, man. And now you can follow other Prize Picks players directly on the app and copy their lineups in one click, whether it's a friend, a celebrity partner, or just someone whose picks you like. Hit the follow button and check out every lineup they create in the new feed tab.

[Matt]

Well, it's good to know people can follow me and my picks next week. For the regular season tip off, I'm thinking we have to take the Steph Curry Max discount. Steph Curry only needs one point for this to win. Everyone needs to get on it. Steph Curry. Max discount.

[Shane]

Great shouts there. King.

[Matt]

Oh, my God. Oh, man. That's crazy. Download the prize picks app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup.

[Shane]

Price. Price. Picks. It's good to be right.

[Matt]

It's good to be right. But Alabama.

[Shane]

That's a crazy pick, bro. He picked.

[Matt]

Yeah, and they were the best in the world at the time. Well, that's the real reason why I don't want to do it. The only reason I picked him. I don't follow college at all, but we went to two better games and they were. I mean, it was hype as hell. It was a good time.

[Shane]

That. That makes sense.

[Matt]

But yesterday. Not yesterday. Saturday was just as good, though. Like, I can't. I can't. I was trying very hard not to pick a side. But that punt return, and then they were like, fire the cannon. I got to fire the cannon after the. Yeah.

[Shane]

Who let you fire the cannon?

[Matt]

All of them.

[Shane]

What?

[Matt]

Every single. Yeah.

[Shane]

Fired it for the game.

[Matt]

Fired for the touchdown. And then governor Abbott came over.

[Shane]

What was the gov up to?

[Matt]

The gov was chilling, dude.

[Shane]

That's what's up.

[Matt]

I don't know any of his policies other than I said, give me back my porn, you little.

[Shane]

No, you know what he did that was kind of noble? They tried to nix the like, THC farm bill thing, and he came up to him and he was like, no, dude.

[Matt]

His security had to pull me off him. I grabbed him by his scruff. I said, you better give me.

[Shane]

Give me my board.

[Matt]

And they pulled me out.

[Shane]

Just give me one sight.

[Matt]

Like six guys were pulling me.

[Shane]

Get that off, man.

[Matt]

Give me the hub. Give me back my hub. I'm tired of going on X videos and seeing the weirdest I've ever seen. So sick of it, dude.

[Shane]

I don't want to see any more Brazilians in a warehouse.

[Matt]

They're making it. It's made it so much worse.

[Shane]

What going on?

[Matt]

Having to go to X videos or whatever the other. You got to find the shadiest.

[Shane]

Yeah, you're in the speakeas. You know, like outlaws, prohibition.

[Matt]

Yeah, I got long abortion. Tbh. You have a wire hanger now? I'm in a alley now. I'm dealing with shady customers. I'm not lying, dude. I think they toss CP in the thumbnail sometimes.

[Shane]

What?

[Matt]

Swear. Yeesh. You fly past it.

[Shane]

I think there's. I do Think there's way more CP on just all the sites than anyone likes to admit.

[Matt]

Because I.

[Shane]

They skirt the edge.

[Matt]

I don't think I saw it on the Hub, dude.

[Shane]

They skirt the edge.

[Matt]

I was searching.

[Shane]

I remember I was off for a while, and then, like, months ago, I, like, it was like the. I don't know. But I went on the Hub, and it was like they were hitting me with, like, the youngest. And I was like, bro, this is like, so close.

[Lamar]

Young babes.

[Shane]

Yeah, dude, I can.

[Matt]

Barely Legal. That's a genre.

[Shane]

Yeah, but it was like. It was the main feed, and it was kind of. I was like, dude, this looks like maybe I was getting older. But I'm like, dang, Hub, what the hell are you doing?

[Lamar]

I don't like how white pornhub is. Their top videos are always white ladies.

[Matt]

It's because it's a lot of white people.

[Shane]

They're finally some common ground. Dude.

[Matt]

Being honest, man, I'll be honest. It is all white ladies. But a lot of black fellas are sneaking in there. A little overrepresented, you know.

[Lamar]

Every time there's a porn with one white lady, there's like, four black guys. I don't understand. I don't understand. Why does she need a yard of dick?

[Shane]

It's not every time. That's your algo, bro. That's just your album. She's lost.

[Matt]

You got it.

[Shane]

You got into Lost in the Hood?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

My daddy dropped me off in the wrong neighborhood.

[Shane]

I saw a video recently of a guy talking about. It was just like an unk in a car getting filmed. Just talking about, like, the rules for partying on a chick, which is, you know, it's running a train, dude. It was. It was like, never mention another man's hook, no matter what. Don't even look at another man's hook.

[Matt]

Condoms, hooks. Nice.

[Shane]

It's really nice. One time, my friend, someone or he said he's. He was. They were partying on a babe, and he said his friend grabbed her head because a friend was hitting from behind. He was getting head, and the friend grabbed her head and was pushing for it. And he goes, what the hell? He's like, I had to get the hell up out of there. It was the weirdest in the world. Kind of like he was doing it right. It was. So anyway, the guy was like, what about that one time? He goes, I told you that in confidence. I don't want to talk about it. What happened? The friend pushing the back of the head.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

There's rules for partying on a. Yeah, I love the term partying on a.

[Matt]

Partying on A is crazy. As a big Three 6 Mafia fan, it's almost every single song, every single. The whole. The. The chorus can be the most uplifting. Like, yeah, you gotta change your life. Get your money right. You can do anything. And that goes straight into a verse of like, me and my boys. Party on a bit. Two in the front, three in the back. Everybody jizzing on a be like, all right. Changes the whole song.

[Shane]

I don't know, maybe it's one of those things. Don't knock until you try. It could be the ultimate bonding experience.

[Matt]

That's how me and my boys, all we got, all of us. Yeah, we always parted on at the beginning.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Hand jobs, fingering, both partied on a.

[Shane]

Just. But like, third base partying. Yeah, that's kind of nice. Third base partying is actually very never sexual.

[Matt]

Never a sexual intercourse party.

[Shane]

You didn't even bust out your hooks.

[Matt]

No, nobody's. Well, I mean, technically the hooks were out for the hjs, but it was dark.

[Shane]

You grab a wrist and just parties.

[Matt]

Yeah, I helped my boy out.

[Shane]

Told you I didn't want to talk about this. Dude, I. Speaking of powerful black men, I saw T Pain at acl.

[Matt]

I saw some videos of his dancing. It looked very nice.

[Shane]

Dude, he is an absolute master of craft. He came out. First of all, I got. I. I was planning on eating some mushrooms and going there. And then, you know, I was like, sending feelers out. Everyone's like, man, I'm good on that. So I was like, I'll take like a micro, like a little bit, like a little micro dose. But then I pigged on edibles. Dude, I forgot when you combine those things, they. It warps you. I was going through security and I was. It like, hit me the Uber, and I'm just sitting there, just like, oh, no, people. Everyone's talking to me and they're like, yeah, this one. And I was. I couldn't, like, make. I could get like three words at a time. And I kept being like, uhuh. Uhhuh. And I was keeping it cool. I ate them before everybody else.

[Matt]

I've seen you high as you do.

[Lamar]

Keep it cool.

[Shane]

I kept it cool. I kept it.

[Matt]

I was on L. Brother, the worst is over. We're fine now. Been in the Uber for three minutes.

[Shane]

I. I for real kept it ice, man. I was sitting there.

[Matt]

You have to. If no one else was, no one was high. I bet they were hitting the wine, though.

[Shane]

No, there was some Wine. There was also. I got back, and, like, I was. I had the edible, so I ate them first, so then I gave them out later. And I also was on the microdose from earlier, so it, like, they hit me fast. And then. And I had, like. I was drinking, like, a weed drink. And I'm in the car. I'm just kind of like, oh, this is actually. This might be a problem. And then we had to go through that line, and my wristband didn't work, so I had to get, like, go to another place. I was just being carted from point to point. We had a park. We had to walk, get out of that line. I'm, like, just going to checkpoint to checkpoint, all confused and, like, everything. I. It wasn't, like, cool either. Like, I didn't have any, like, cool, fun thoughts. I was like a dog being high. I was just like, ah, that's weird. Just looking around. And then my wristband got fixed, and then I forgot. I was, like, in line to get in. They're like, oh, you have the rest of the edibles for. We had people in there. And I was like, oh, great.

[Matt]

Like, I didn't know I ate all the.

[Shane]

Well, they had. I did have in my pockets. I just smuggled them in, which isn't a big deal.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But I was so high that I was like, all right, dude, be cool about this. And I, like, go through, and I get stuff out of my pockets, and I have, like, a plastic bag in my back pocket. And the lady's like, is everything out of your pockets? And I was like, yes, I believe so. And I smacked my pockets down. It's like, literally, you hear a plastic bag squish. And I was like, oh, shoot. And I like, my. I had electrolytes. For some reason, they fell. And I was like, that's what I was looking for. And I put them in. Just walk through. Like, it was like I was smuggling in, like, a pound of heroin.

[Matt]

Yeah. Three couple milligrams, tiny little gummies.

[Shane]

Then I got in there, and all I had. I had a mule. Just two chairs the whole time. So I just. It was the only thing that kept me alive. Just had these two chairs and just walking through. Just a mass of people. Finally, dude, they're rocking chairs. Folding rocking chairs, dude. Once I hit that chair, T. Pain came on. I just got to watch T. Pain. The rock just completely incapacitated.

[Matt]

I'd be.

[Shane]

He brought me to life. That guy brought me back to life.

[Matt]

Such a whiny. If I had to do all that.

[Shane]

Oh, I would. It was.

[Matt]

I'd be furious. I'd be like, I'm never doing this again. There's 10 million people here. It's 100 degrees.

[Shane]

It was nice.

[Matt]

I saw a video of it, and I saw the crowd, and I was like, I will never live up during the day.

[Shane]

We took the kids during the day. That was fucking hot. But we. They have, like. It's called the Austin Kitty Limits. And they had a giant drum circle for the kids. Dude, I got this. I sat in on the drum circle. I might. I might try to start those things off. Dude, it was the best. Drum circles are the best, dude, I swear to God. Oh, they are, dude. The guys just like. Guys that are good. Then you just get to do a little bit, and then you start to kind of show off a little bit. When it works out, you're like, I might be the coolest guy. It's. I swear to God, it's the best. I was trying. My kids kept being like, we don't want to do this. I was like, get over here now. And I was sitting there like, come on, man, don't make me. Don't leave the kid. Drum circle. It was chill drum circles.

[Matt]

You were hitting some solos.

[Shane]

No, no, no. I wasn't picking out. I was just trying to, like, just keep. I'd give a little flare every now and again, but there was guys that were like, genu. Like, real percussion.

[Matt]

A little flare, wink at one of the kids. Be like, you like that?

[Shane]

Literally, my.

[Matt]

Where's your little ass? Dad can't drum like this. Not a big deal.

[Shane]

But now T pain for real master, bro.

[Matt]

Yeah, he is.

[Shane]

He. Dude, he put in, like. It's like a real production, the whole thing. There's dance, he talks, he. He jokes. He does.

[Matt]

He is funny.

[Shane]

Yeah, he's very funny. He's kind of. And I say this respectfully, he's a nerd. He's a giant nerd at heart, and I could tell.

[Lamar]

Did he do War Pigs?

[Shane]

I was hoping he did. He did Journey.

[Lamar]

Oh, nice.

[Shane]

He talked for a while, too. He had some jokes in there. Yeah, he humps, dude. He humps the air like crazy, bro. He. He daggers up there.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And he has, like. It's like, time perfectly where the music's like, boo, boo, boo. He's just air humping as hard as he can. Complains about being out of breath the whole time. It's really funny. Yeah.

[Matt]

He was in a leather suit. I saw that. He must have been dying.

[Shane]

That was amazing. We went there and then caught that one killer song. And then left. Killers lead out with their biggest hit, which is wild.

[Matt]

Really start with the closing.

[Shane]

Yeah, that. That got the place bumping.

[Lamar]

Damn, dude.

[Shane]

But no, those chairs, man. Brittany kept trying to take one from me and I'm like, don't touch them. I was like, I need equal weight. Just get off me, all right? I need. It was like my one. I need a job. When I get that high, I need task. Otherwise I freak out.

[Lamar]

You just changed my life though. I didn't know they had portable rocking chairs, bro.

[Shane]

They. It was.

[Lamar]

That's like good right there.

[Shane]

Well, it's funny. Everyone we're with, nobody really brought chairs. So I was like, just sit. Everyone was standing. I was just at everyone's like butt level. Just like.

[Matt]

So good, dude. I didn't realize how good he was. That was literally all I did. It's like a genuine performance. Yeah, this is a real.

[Shane]

He's really thought this out. I like this. And then it finally broke. I remember I saw my phone, it was 6pm I went, all right, this is. If this gets any worse, I'm. But I have two hours. It's got a grin down. I gotta bear down. I learned that Chicago's thing this weekend. Bear down.

[Matt]

Oh, nice.

[Shane]

Yeah, I just learned that. That's pretty sick. But the.

[Matt]

You had to bear down big time.

[Shane]

In the rocking chair.

[Lamar]

And it was said losing in the fourth bearing down.

[Matt]

No, they won. They're doing all right.

[Shane]

That was a good joke though here. That was good.

[Matt]

No, it was good. They got the win. Yeah, that's. That's a wonderful experience.

[Shane]

It was. Man.

[Matt]

I was supposed to go. I was. I. A couple guys, I know the bends. They were playing at 5:30 on Sunday.

[Shane]

Oh, I just. I must have just missed them.

[Matt]

Yeah. Saturday was a disaster.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

We got in the car. We had to leave at 7:30 to get out there. 9:59. Nate Marshall says, let's have a beer, fellas. It's going to be a long one.

[Shane]

9:59. Perfect time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Was perfect time.

[Matt]

It was that set us up for 14 hours of drinking.

[Shane]

Was there any hugers involved to keep the thing going?

[Matt]

That was on the way. I was at the sprinter van on the way home. We were all going, I'm a little sleepy. I mean, there's the only one way you can drink for 14 hours. Amphetamines.

[Lamar]

We hit the bucks too.

[Shane]

The Beezers did the Beezer article you sent me. Favorite thing I've ever seen.

[Matt]

It was great.

[Shane]

Who is the Beezer?

[Matt]

Who is the Bees? There's some, like, a. AI article about Kyla, and they're like, is Kyla Fox married? It's like, she's rumored to be dating a man named the Beezer, whoever that is. Who is the Beezer? This mysterious man.

[Shane]

Oh, my God.

[Matt]

But now the game. The game was sick. I had a nice moment. We. We were down the field at the beginning, which was very sick, except it was 150 degrees. So it was like, man, we gotta get into that. Get into that. Sweet. Thank God we had a suite because it was hot as out there. Get in there. I'm pretty sure I see Baker Mayfield, really legendary Oklahoma quarterback. So I say, he must be him. Even didn't even think, oh, he's got a game tomorrow. He had a game Sunday. Obviously, it's not him. So I walk over. I walk over to this dude, and while I'm walking, I'm like, obviously, that's not Baker. Maybe I could see him now. So I just walk over this group of people and I'm like, hey, how are you? Just want to say hi. We're in the suite together. Just want to have a good day, huh?

[Shane]

How about that? Just walk.

[Matt]

Just walked away. Like, that guy's nice.

[Shane]

Do you ever have a thing where you think someone's saying hi to you because they recognize you but they're not? Yeah, that's happened to me before. It's very embarrassing where a guy will say something. I have headphones in. I'll be like, hey, how are you? And they're like, hey, the. And I'm like, oh, my bad. Sorry about that. Yeah. I thought you were my friend from the Internet, but you're not. My bad.

[Matt]

Eye contact with people walking on the street, and you're like. Like, yep, yeah, it's me. Are you. Dude. Guy that walks around my neighborhood? Yeah, dude, it's me. Get over it.

[Shane]

No autographs.

[Matt]

What do you want a picture or something? Come here.

[Shane]

It's like an old Indian couple. Like, yeah, yeah, get it in. All right.

[Matt]

Yeah, that happens. Happened to me bad.

[Shane]

I, like, got, like, almost startled, too, because I always, like, I had headphones in. I heard someone say hello, like, right next to me, and I was like, hey, how are you doing? The guy was like, what the. And I was like, a.

[Matt]

The worst is when people come up and they act like you're actually friends.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You know what I mean?

[Shane]

I kind of like.

[Matt]

It's like, hey, what's going on, man? How are you? You're like, what's going on? With you, dude. I haven't seen you in forever. Pure politeness. I'm like, dude, how's everything going?

[Shane]

Well, I. I kind of. I was in line. I think this was, like, last year. I was getting just at, like, an outdoor, like, brewery place, and I met someone in line. We had a long line, and. But the nice thing was we were able to talk. Like, we were all on the same page. Like, he started asking me questions. We, like, just jumped into immediate conversation, which was kind of nice. Yeah. Kind of killed the line time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But it's funny how much you can talk to a dude who listens to the podcast. Like, yo, how's this? How's that? How's this? Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah.

[Matt]

I just assume it's somebody I met.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Just like, this guy probably does comedy, or I probably met him. She's like, so how is everything? What's going on, man? I haven't seen you in so long.

[Lamar]

I'm so sad.

[Matt]

I'm all right.

[Shane]

Say your parents are alive. Good.

[Lamar]

Man. Lamar, I've been worried about that. What, the parents stuff?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Dude, every time I go home, they're, like, older. Yeah. Come on.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's tough, man. If it.

[Matt]

Exit velocity.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Speed's only increasing, dude, they're launching.

[Shane]

It's gotta be crazy, too, for, like, because I feel like black people don't age as fast. Once they start, it's like, dang.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Once they start, it's a race that happens.

[Lamar]

It happens so fast. Is.

[Matt]

Phil's not helping himself. Yeah, he's. Hopefully they don't watch this.

[Lamar]

They.

[Matt]

They're trying to surprise me. They're going to Vegas this weekend.

[Shane]

Ooh, the.

[Matt]

Is he doing. Going to Vegas.

[Shane]

Partying down.

[Matt]

I know. Like, he's trying to surprise me. He still thinks I don't know.

[Shane]

Oh, really?

[Matt]

But my manager blew it. She was like, and you want a extra room for Phil? I was like, sure. I. I didn't. I don't think he's coming, but Phil needs to chill.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

He's Vegas.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I know how he gets down, too. That's 4:00am Gambling.

[Shane]

Oh, no, I forgot. He's got the bug.

[Matt]

He's got the bug. He's got both bugs. The best bugs. No offense to anybody struggling with it.

[Shane]

Yeah. Getting drunk. No, getting drunk and just gambling recklessly again. I know it ruins people's lives sometimes, but it is fun when you're locked in on the table and you're getting brave.

[Matt]

He doesn't gamble recklessly at all.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah, he's good.

[Lamar]

It could ruin your life or change your life.

[Shane]

True.

[Matt]

And he's good at drinking.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Like, she got it down like a. M. When we went to the. The Notre Dame Texas A. M. Game, he was the one that was. He was fine.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I was like, dad, it's late. We have to go home. He was like, come on, have a beer. Shut up.

[Shane]

What would he have said about that 9am twist off?

[Matt]

He would have been right there.

[Shane]

Okay. But he's able to somehow pace himself.

[Matt]

Yeah, he would have paced.

[Shane]

Gotcha. I can't pace. I have a hard time pacing all day. I'm like, the problem with pacing all.

[Matt]

Day is you get stuck getting sleepy.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And you can either turn on the jets or call it a day.

[Shane]

True.

[Matt]

And you know me, dude.

[Shane]

If I do it. If I do a long day drink, I lean on the weed real hard. I just get real. I get.

[Matt]

If I'm getting like, does anyone have any nos? Just a little bit of nosy.

[Shane]

I do the opposite. I take it. I. I try to eat edibles. If I'm getting drunk during the day, I end it with like. Because I get real brave with the edibles when I'm drunk. And then I just end up on absolute Pluto. And it's, you know.

[Matt]

That's a good way to leave, though.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You know, I'm. I can't be here anymore.

[Shane]

Yeah. That's how you end up with a. I'll kind of like, rock it out. When I'm that drunken, it just becomes. I feel like I'm in a video game at that point. That's how I ended up kind of heckling a Boston cemetery tour. Just stand outside like, yo, let us in. My cousin Heckle Revere tour in Boston. It was pretty fun. Yeah. Like, we just got to stand outside. This is. Guys.

[Matt]

And everyone's like, are you.

[Shane]

There, guys? You're here for my podcast. Sorry about that.

[Matt]

Yeah. You guys probably know me.

[Shane]

Sold out Last Laugh Boston last year. I don't know if you guys recognize.

[Matt]

You guys might recognize me from Laugh Boston.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I featured for soda here about four years ago. You guys probably remember that killed.

[Lamar]

I missed the bus.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah. I knew. I knew somebody in the group wasn't gonna make it. The odds on favorite did miss the bus. The 7:30am what bus did you have to take? We took a sprinter bin to and from the game.

[Lamar]

Dude. Well, because the night before, he was.

[Shane]

Just chasing it down with his lunch box. Wait.

[Lamar]

The night before, I went to the creek and I had a hoot.

[Matt]

You know, It's a huge mistake. 7:30am it was 2:00 clock in the.

[Lamar]

Morning and I was like, I'm gonna stay up. And an hour later I was like, I'm going to sleep. And then I had a bunch of no sleep. I was gonna go no sleep.

[Matt]

Have you ever done that?

[Lamar]

No. I was trying to make up the ultimate 72 hour buzz. You know, I was trying to figure it out, out. But it didn't matter.

[Shane]

You're missing crack cocaine. This is what you need. You can't just not sleep.

[Matt]

Never mind. Usually the idea for the all nighter comes from the nos.

[Shane]

True.

[Lamar]

I wasn't on the news.

[Matt]

I can make this drawbridge.

[Shane]

Mary's gonna light his hair on fire on stage. Dude. Great. Yeah. Yeah. You know, huh.

[Lamar]

You know when he did that, he was doing it with rum and like cotton because he didn't want butane in his crack. Wait, what? He would dip like cotton in some really high proof rum and then he would light that and then he would light the crack pipe.

[Matt]

Whoa.

[Lamar]

And then he was like high and he was like, what the hell? Why am I even doing this? And he started pouring the rum on himself. He lit one more pipe and then he went up in flames.

[Shane]

Damn. He like kind of self immolated.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Dude, Richard Pryor is crazy as fuck.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think it was kind of an attack attempt. Whoa. Yeah.

[Shane]

Dang.

[Matt]

Yeah, I don't think you accidentally catch full body on fire, Michael.

[Shane]

Yeah. Oh, he got his full bod.

[Matt]

Yeah, he was like running down there, wasn't he? Scraping down the street. Yeah, he's running down the street.

[Shane]

Luckily that rum burns off fast. Yeah.

[Lamar]

I mean, I don't know about skin though.

[Shane]

I mean, it's hot. Yeah. Well, they do like a cool drink at a bar. It's like, you know. Yeah. It doesn't have a staying power, but that still must have stuck.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's the dumbest ever.

[Shane]

You trying to burn yourself? No.

[Matt]

Well, of course that. But the drinks, the fire drinks, I.

[Shane]

Can'T stand them every time. Who's doing it? When I see them from afar, they do look cool. When I was in, I was in.

[Matt]

Brazil, so many videos of people just going flame throwing the guy next to him.

[Shane]

Dude, when I was in Brazil, they did a thing where they lit alcohol on fire and trapped the smoke and you could smoke the alcohol under the glass. It was kind of sick.

[Lamar]

Did it work?

[Shane]

I don't really. I was shit faced. I remember, I remember just being like, what the.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So I'll have To try that again and report back, I'd imagine it. I think it tastes pretty bad.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Do you know what I just. Speaking of smoking, you know what I came across recently? Vapes. For cigarettes. Huh. You stick a cigarette in a vape, and then you smoke the cig through a vape. It's crazy. No? I think you can just rip anything through there. You probably know, because. I guess so you don't get, like, the nicotine juice, so you'd like. It really tastes like a cig. It's just burning at a lower temperature, so you're not getting all the impurities. So they do. They do it with weed. They burn. They find out what temperature nicotine burns off. So that way you burn it off at just that temperature.

[Matt]

Wouldn't you inhale all the impurities eventually if you finish the cigarette?

[Shane]

I don't think so.

[Matt]

Where would it all go?

[Shane]

Because it, like, if you like, they do it for weed. So, like, you, like, THC burns off at whatever it is, like 250 degrees or 300 degrees. So the THC burns, but the plant material doesn't burn. And a lot of the impurities are in the plant material itself, not the nicotine. So you burn off at the. I don't know. Whatever was crazy. I smoked. I smoked on it.

[Matt]

Really?

[Shane]

Yeah. I tried to try it. I was like, I'm kind of curious, but it's. It's weird.

[Matt]

Is it at acl?

[Shane]

Yeah. So. So I just.

[Matt]

Somebody passed that gun. Just so pass that. This is a healthy cigarette. I hope you're enjoying your Michelob Ultra.

[Shane]

I didn't want anything. I didn't want anything to do with it.

[Matt]

We're 45 watching T pain. Like, just try to smoke one cigarette as a group.

[Shane]

Well, dude, I was like, I don't really want this. And they're like, just try it. And I was like, man, true.

[Matt]

I should try it.

[Shane]

And I took it. One drag of it, I'm like, that is like a slightly less, you know, harsh cigarette. Still is a Sig. It doesn't taste great at all. So, Sean, if you want to get healthy, the cigarette vape is sick.

[Sean]

No, thank you.

[Shane]

Now you get a ton of vaping.

[Matt]

A cigarette, you know, one of the cooler things you can do. What if you made it gay as?

[Shane]

Slide it out of your leather jacket. Have you seen them?

[Sean]

They're really big. In Europe, in Italy, I saw a bunch of them, but they're like tiny little nubs. And you put them in a machine and you, like, like, kind of hit it Like, I wonder if it's the same.

[Shane]

That's exactly what it was. You slide the Sig right in.

[Sean]

So those are, like, different Sigs, though, because I tried to smoke one of those Sigs without just, like, lighting it, and it was really, really, really bad.

[Shane]

Really?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know. They were some Brits. They were some Brits who put me onto it, so it's like a Europe thing, but maybe. What do you got to do? Like a slim or like a straight up vape Sig? Oh, maybe you got to roll your own.

[Sean]

No, it's like, special, like a. Like a jewel pod almost. But they're like little.

[Lamar]

Little.

[Sean]

They look like cigarette butts.

[Shane]

God, they have a little tobacco in them. I could have sworn this was a full cigarette, bro.

[Sean]

Could be. I could be wrong.

[Shane]

I don't know. Yeah, maybe the technology has increased.

[Sean]

Innovation, so.

[Shane]

Yeah, just look out for that.

[Matt]

It's something to look forward to feeling.

[Shane]

Look out for that.

[Matt]

I'll be.

[Shane]

You're gonna. Everyone's gonna cross a vape cigarette. It's coming for you.

[Matt]

Certainly.

[Shane]

You're gonna go, I'm good. Try it. You go, what the hell? Yeah, try it out.

[Lamar]

And go.

[Shane]

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's great.

[Matt]

Just go straight back to Sigs.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I should probably start smoking cigs.

[Shane]

Yeah. My brother Tom's fighting the Sig demon right now.

[Matt]

I smoke cigs.

[Shane]

Gay.

[Matt]

That's my problem.

[Shane]

What do you mean?

[Matt]

My hand. I don't know how to. It's very, like. I'm not good at it.

[Shane]

You smoking like an old barfly.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Let me tell you something, honey.

[Matt]

I had to smoke a cig in the. That movie I just did, and the guy was like, don't hold it like that. Hold it like this. It's a lot cooler.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

This is you.

[Shane]

If you hold it like this, I.

[Matt]

Go, this is how I do it.

[Shane]

Yeah. Like a diplomat. It's like a diplomat.

[Lamar]

You're mad. Making decisions.

[Shane]

I think you were right about. This is for Sigs. This is for joints only. A try hard smokes a. How do you smoke cigs, Gini. Yeah. That's a real cigarette smoker. You're right. You should have told that director to shut the up.

[Lamar]

He would have said it back then.

[Shane]

I'm smoking whatever the I want.

[Matt]

No, that's kind of how it was. People were going nuts, crazy.

[Shane]

Are you shut the out?

[Lamar]

I'd be.

[Shane]

That would make me so nervous. I'm already so nervous.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Screaming. I'd be like, I'm going home. I'm not doing this. I can't deal with people screaming. Right.

[Matt]

Supposed to be a really cool scene.

[Lamar]

You're not my dad.

[Matt]

It was very. It was very hot out. Oh, it was. It was a. It was gonna be really. I hope it comes out nice. It was too hot. So we're just standing outside.

[Shane]

How many times you have to film.

[Matt]

Me in the cage, man? Together. Yeah, it was pretty sick.

[Shane]

That's huge.

[Matt]

But I was supposed to be smoking cigs, and I was.

[Shane]

Yeah, cooler. He's like cooler. Do it again. Cooler this time.

[Matt]

Cooler. Cooler. And then you just keep having to smoke a new one because it was, you know, every take.

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[Matt]

That's right, ma'.

[Shane]

Am. You have rooms 201 and 709.

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[Shane]

The doors have double locks. They'll be fine.

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[Matt]

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[Shane]

Guys, I'll be at the Helium Comedy Club, Buffalo, New York. Added a 4:30pm Saturday show. Please come to that. Then Bricktown Comedy Club, Tulsa, Oklahoma. 1024, 1025. Off the Hook Comedy Club, Naples, Florida. 11711 8. Comedy on State Madison, Wisconsin. I'll be there at 11 14. And Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, 12 19. And it was the that one, Missouri Room. That was that one.

[Matt]

It was a good room.

[Shane]

That's a shot of biz, bro.

[Matt]

October 17th and 18th. This weekend I'll be at Resorts World in Las Vegas. 17th and 18th, Las Vegas. November 7th, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, I'll be in Sacramento. What do you think of that, Mayor? I'll be where the Kings play, I think. Oh. December 4th and 5th, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona and Phoenix, Arizona.

[Lamar]

Hello.

[Matt]

Get in front of the camera.

[Shane]

You gotta hit the Camera.

[Matt]

You gotta get direct.

[Shane]

The wires are.

[Sean]

Oh, shoot.

[Matt]

Jesus Christ.

[Sean]

Oh, shoot.

[Shane]

There you go.

[Matt]

Come on, man.

[Sean]

I'm coming. I'm sorry.

[Matt]

This is big. No one's gonna come if you don't get it right.

[Sean]

Hello, I'll be at. In Cincinnati on November 29th at the Comet. Please come to that if you can. And optimum noctis is next week and the first and third Tuesday of every month at the Creek in the Cave. So please come. Tickets are@sean gardini.com.

[Matt]

Last thing we need is his nerd dogs. It'll be close to the camera. All right, thank you.

[Lamar]

Did you watch the Charlie Sheen Netflix thing?

[Matt]

I haven't. I heard it's great.

[Lamar]

Oh, it's really great. There's a part about Nicolas Cage where he. He goes to the front of a commercial plane. He's like, hey, everybody, this is your pilot speaking, and we're all gonna die.

[Matt]

Nicholas Cage.

[Shane]

Oh, he's apparently. He's.

[Lamar]

Apparently.

[Shane]

He's a bigger party monster than Sheen himself.

[Matt]

Cage is an animal.

[Shane]

I didn't know he was such a beast. Party man.

[Lamar]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane]

I think, like, Sheen. I think, from what I heard about the doc, Sheen tips his hat to Cage. He's like, bro, he does. You think I'm a. Cage is the. Cage is that guy.

[Lamar]

They had the weaned Charlie Sheen off of cocaine. Like.

[Matt]

Yeah, I heard. I heard how they did it. It's pretty great.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah, they gave him the. The dealer kept giving him less and less.

[Lamar]

Yeah. And he's like, this shit's not as good. Good.

[Matt]

I don't even like this anymore.

[Shane]

What did he call himself? He was a. Not a. No, an Adonis or something. Doesn't he call himself. He's like some sort of mythological. He was, like, saying he was, like, one of the Knights Templar for the Catholic Church or something.

[Lamar]

The Charlie Sheen?

[Shane]

Yeah. He was, like, smoking crack and being like, I'm basically one of, like, the Papal assassins. Pure. He's like dragon blood. He's like, dragon blood. Adonis, tiger. Tiger blood. That's it. Yeah. Tiger blood.

[Lamar]

Winning.

[Matt]

Wasn't that from a. A picture?

[Lamar]

Yeah, he said he heard a picture. He was on the phone with a picture, and the picture was telling him, you got tiger blood and nobody can stop you because we're winning.

[Matt]

And then he did an interview, like, the next day, and that was just replaying in his head. Yeah, I mean, whatever drug makes you think. Whatever drug makes you think you're a knight's Templar. Toss me some of that. Assemble the army.

[Shane]

That would be so funny.

[Matt]

Dude, dude, Saladin is marching on Karak. Assemble the army.

[Shane]

My brother was telling me he's been getting into just researching the world religions, and now he's on Islam. And he's like, dude, my wife is cool. I had the Gita. I had the Bible on my nightstand. Soon as I slapped down the Quran, all I'm getting is questions. She's like, what is that? What are you doing? What are you doing?

[Matt]

Yeah, as a baby, you got to be a little sauce there. Now, hold on a second.

[Shane]

She shook, bro.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm telling.

[Matt]

My girl is basically how to be a boss man.

[Shane]

Yeah. For real. It's not a boss up. It literally is frame.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's like, how to get frame? I was like, dude, you should go full Muslim and just dominate white Muslim. Yeah. I was like, dude, you should marry. I was like, obviously don't marry one of your cousins, but get as close as you can for the sister wife. That is such a boss move.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

To just, like, have a wife and then be like, yo, check it out. It's my other wife and she's my cousin.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I'm not trying to be Islamophobic.

[Shane]

I'm not. But that's.

[Matt]

I'm not. That's what I'm saying. For all the, like, how to be a boss man type, you'd think their countries would be doing a little better.

[Lamar]

Shame. They just got peace.

[Matt]

I'm just saying, for all the. All the talk I see them, do you think they'd be doing a little better?

[Shane]

No, they would, as they would probably appreciate you pulling them up as brothers and be like, brother, what the hell you got? You. You've totally conquered the babes. You got to give them that. You guys have conquered the babes. But that's the problem. When you're conquering the babes that hard, it takes up so much of your energy. Yeah, dude, imagine that being like, you know how long it takes me to put a tablecloth on my wife? Four hour discussion.

[Matt]

Yeah. You wouldn't get anything else done. That's your whole day.

[Lamar]

Forever.

[Matt]

That's your whole week. That's 40 fights.

[Shane]

More power, too.

[Matt]

Nothing but respect for a Muslim brothers, for real.

[Shane]

Well, that's like, dude, it'd be. You know. She'd be like, I don't know. It does. It's not form fit. I'm like, jesus, put it the on, man.

[Matt]

Get the goddamn. You'll be all right. There's peace now. We can make fun of them.

[Shane]

There's Peace.

[Matt]

We can make fun of them again.

[Shane]

There's peace, the variety. These. Yeah, these are the powerful Saudis. They love jokes.

[Matt]

Jokes.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Powerful sound. They do love.

[Shane]

They love jokes.

[Lamar]

We also have to get off the Jews ass now, too.

[Matt]

What do you mean? No, they still get made fun of for a while for what happened.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Maybe not all the. Not the American Jews, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Lamar]

The Israeli ones.

[Matt]

You don't just go, all right, peace. We're done. Everybody forget about that.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

Then in 10 years, we'll be back and.

[Shane]

Yeah, we'll see.

[Matt]

Man, it is sick that America gets to celebrate that piece.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Matt]

It's like. Yeah. Even though we sold a lot of those weapons. Peace. We got it done, baby. Peace.

[Shane]

They get the credit. Is nice. Yeah. To sell all the munitions and be like, guys, let's be nice to each other. All right.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

This is over. I feel like America could just be just. We should just slide in a pure diplomacy and arms, obviously, in arms selling. Sell arms and do, you know, diplomatic stuff. Just trying to, you know, I'm trying to keep the American exceptionalism dream alive, man. A lot of people are doubting in the country. It's like, knock it off, man.

[Matt]

I don't know.

[Lamar]

Not this country, dude. You don't want to doubt us.

[Matt]

Hell, yeah, man. You're a patriot again.

[Lamar]

I love this.

[Matt]

I thought you were Whoopy Goldberg.

[Lamar]

I love this country, dude. China got some cool stuff, but I love this country.

[Shane]

I'm not buying the China hype, dude. You're going to piss me off of that.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Lamar]

I don't know, man. They got a spray that they.

[Shane]

What?

[Lamar]

They got to spray that. Men's broken bones. Yeah.

[Matt]

This is all made up. This is all made up.

[Shane]

Glue Lair. We had glue for a long time.

[Lamar]

Forever.

[Matt]

This is all made up.

[Shane]

Jesus Christ.

[Matt]

Every. You're getting all your China. I see the China Facts. They're on Instagram. It's a meme on. On Instagram.

[Lamar]

And it goes, dude, it's a fox with slimy eyes. China Facts.

[Matt]

China is. Dude, they're putting their servers at the bottom of the ocean to cool them. That's how smart they are.

[Lamar]

They're making gravity batteries.

[Matt]

Yeah, nothing's true.

[Shane]

They're making gravity batteries. Yeah.

[Lamar]

So they can store all their energy and then just, like, move it to the batteries to a different thing, please.

[Matt]

What does that mean? What do you. You saw one meme and you think you can explain it? That's.

[Lamar]

At least two minutes. And it's just a building It's a big building.

[Shane]

What do they do, put them in, like, a 3 liter soda bottle and then, like, push them into water? We already have that technology, Lamar. It's just out of a grohuca.

[Lamar]

It's a way to move batteries around and, like, store energy in an efficient.

[Shane]

Put them in a fucking freezer, dude. We already know this. Keeps batteries long as hell. My aunt and uncle did this.

[Lamar]

I brought a pair back. I brought a pair of double A's back that way myself. Yeah, I think you're right.

[Shane]

Toss them. Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you, I'm not buying the China hype. Do they have the fucking minerals? Yeah, whatever. But we'll get them. Trust me, we'll get our hands.

[Matt]

On those minerals.

[Shane]

That's what I've seen my country do the whole time I've been alive, is be like, guys, they're doing some bad stuff over there, and they go take their minerals.

[Lamar]

It was crazy that China was like, hey, Israel, stop that. You know? Like, did you guys kill a bunch of Muslims?

[Matt]

Maybe.

[Shane]

Yeah, I think they. I think they camped him up. The Uyghurs, right?

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

So, yeah, they had a Uyghur camp.

[Lamar]

Yeah, but. And they fucking have child slaves making shoes. They're like, you're. You're. You guys are. To Israel. They're like, you guys have atrocious humanitarian, you know, like.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Lamar]

Backgrounds.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

China was like, those kids should be working. Stop killing all those kids. You gotta put them to work. China was probably so confused, we could. We would have taken those kids. God.

[Shane]

Yeah. Are those suicide nets a real thing in those factories?

[Lamar]

I think so. At Foxconn, they were the one. That was the place I was making the iPhones. But that's also videos I saw.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah. Suicide nets is crazy, bro.

[Lamar]

So crazy.

[Shane]

That'd be nice. I feel like every job should have those.

[Lamar]

Suicide.

[Matt]

We put them on our bridges.

[Shane]

Do we? Yeah, that's kind of chill. That'd be a thrill to just jump.

[Matt]

We put them on bridges and topgolf. Those are the only places you're not allowed to do it. You cannot commit at Top Golf.

[Shane]

Yo, that's such a party fail. Committing a topgolf.

[Matt]

Trying to commit at topgolf. That'd be crazy after a bad shot. Your girlfriend just beat you in the third straight game. You can't even hit the ball. It's just landing in the point zone.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's bull. Like, I hit it further than her. Like, I got in the red blinking thing. It's like this Is life is meaningless.

[Matt]

It's time to leap from the third floor of a topgolf and break your leg. Be fine. Caught in the nets. Worse than a death, though, bro. Caught in the topgolf net. Oh, God, I'd just go, kill me, kill me. Because I have to get fished out by like seven of the like teenage employees it would take. So it'd be like, how did the Egyptians build the building? Be a hundred people with ropes pulling me out of that thing.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Remember you peed yourself from white claws. Run me over with the ball collecting machine, dude. Just. Just chop me up into that thing.

[Matt]

That's a tough way to go.

[Shane]

Hey, man, after you fall in the topgolf net.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I would light myself on fire. Yeah, that'd be so. I feel like if you fall in the top golf net, by some law of physics, your ass has to come out of your pants.

[Matt]

Hanging your cracks, getting split by a rope.

[Lamar]

For sure.

[Matt]

It's just cheeks sticking out and there's a family underneath you. God forbid, it's a hot chick party going, ew, look at that guy.

[Shane]

They probably set up where your tus.

[Matt]

Pokes through one of the holes through the little square.

[Shane]

Your ass is out to your family.

[Lamar]

It's full Timberlake.

[Matt]

JT guy. JT got crossed with the Tina trap.

[Shane]

I was. I was thinking about JT when I was watching T Pain. I was like. Cuz you see the videos of him with a hood up, just like phoning in his concerts.

[Matt]

That's because you got the.

[Shane]

I think at that.

[Matt]

The penis fly trap, dude.

[Shane]

After.

[Matt]

After the team is fly trap, you go, I'm done with this my whole production.

[Shane]

Yeah. If my producers me up like that, I would be. I'd have the rain jacket hood on. Just being like.

[Lamar]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

That would piss me the off if they set me up on a Tina's fly trap. I'd be furious.

[Matt]

Just, dude. Oh, just. Are you checking out the team's fly trip? The. The net. The Golden Gate bridge net would be a tough one to be so scary.

[Shane]

Yeah, dude.

[Matt]

Because they always say, like, the. The few people that have survived, they're like, as soon as I let go of the rails, I was like, oh, oh, this is a huge mistake.

[Shane]

Yeah, for sure.

[Matt]

But then you're stuck in the net. You're like, get me out. No, I'm sorry, everybody. I want to live.

[Lamar]

He got a roll. You're gonna roll under the bridge just looking at the roof like, holy, I can't believe I did that.

[Shane]

How far down is the Net. So they give you a little taste of like the.

[Matt]

It should give you a taste.

[Shane]

Gravity battery.

[Matt]

They should give you.

[Shane]

Yeah, they should give you at least like a 20 foot drop so you can be like. Or maybe 10, 20ft a little bit.

[Lamar]

Yeah. So again, just right before you experience freefall, you go hitting that.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah. Because they should get. It shouldn't be. I guess it's got to be far enough to where you don't see it. You see it.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So what do you. Do people still successfully kill themselves on that bridge, like by jumping? Because that'd be tough to fucking leap on that 20ft.

[Matt]

The net.

[Shane]

Oh, they give you.

[Matt]

Damn. Oh, I'm going right through that net.

[Shane]

It's not the same thing, but I. I have a Chemex coffee thing. You know like the glass vase looking things. No, I bought. I had to buy non. I had to buy non Chemex coffee filter. Speaking of going through the net, I bought a non Chemex filter being like. I don't need those.

[Matt]

Yeah, dude.

[Shane]

I poured my hot water through. Bursted right through. I was livid this morning. Pissed me right off. Yeah, kind of. You just remind me of that.

[Matt]

No, I would do. Yeah, that'd be me.

[Shane]

I was like. I was. When you said that, I'm like, it is possible you think things can hold. Sometimes they burst.

[Matt]

Well, those nets are built for people who commit. And if you commit, you're probably about £120.

[Shane]

Yeah, true.

[Matt]

Typical.

[Shane]

Not a lot of big dogs. That's true. Not a lot of big dogs don't commit. No, bro, they have too many. Yeah, true dogs are grubbing. Interesting.

[Matt]

You gotta be a skinny one to commit.

[Shane]

Yeah, I guess you're right. It's a skinny, sad boy.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's a skinny man's game.

[Shane]

That is.

[Matt]

And ladies.

[Shane]

Yeah, ladies.

[Matt]

Very rare that it's.

[Shane]

Yes. Yeah, they don't really.

[Matt]

Asians. Yeah, Asians are not afraid to commit, especially in San Francisco.

[Shane]

Oh, really? Yeah, there's a lot of Asians there. Yeah, they definitely are. I've seen them.

[Lamar]

Yeah, you remember one of the. I don't know if this is. I don't know. One of my friends got stuck in the ball pit. That would be a. That's like a top off net.

[Shane]

Jake the snake.

[Lamar]

I know, I didn't want to say it.

[Shane]

He does a whole fucking joke about it.

[Lamar]

Yeah, Jake Matera, he does a joke about it, man.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah. That's fun of the fam. That's rough, dude.

[Lamar]

That's rough.

[Shane]

I will say it's the foam pit. I'm not gonna slander with the ball pit. He got stuck in a foam pit. Which, dude, those things are a little tougher. You think, like, I'm gonna do a backflip into this thing on the trampoline. It's like, like I always, like, I watch the X Games and they do the, like, they're not the X Games. There's a skate park woodward around us that you could do at a half pipe. You go into a foam pit. It's like I would do 10 backflips into that thing. You see the foam pit, you're like, I'm just going to jump.

[Matt]

Dudes miss the, out of that. Dudes miss that foam pit all the time.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's. It's like kind of tough to get out of those things. Yeah, it's not the oasis you thought it would be.

[Lamar]

Yeah, I, dude, it's still a brutal, like having everybody come to help you. That's like a brutal one.

[Shane]

Getting stuck. Dude, I, I was in the ocean a couple months ago and I like just laid on my back and just kind of was like, I'm just gonna float and chill and I got like, it was pretty rough season. I got pulled out far enough to where I was like, some of these kids are gonna have to pull me in. I was swimming, I wasn't going anywhere. And I was like, dude, one of these hot tan kids are gonna have to rip me into sure. I'm gonna be humiliated. And I just, I swam like literally my life depended on it to get back because I was. You know when you're like not going anywhere in the ocean? Yeah, I hit that. Then I had to like float and I let the water push me forward and you know, thank God I'm kind of chill like that. But. But it crossed my mind. I was like, I might have to get carted in.

[Lamar]

Yeah. What would you say?

[Matt]

Go say, thanks, fellas.

[Shane]

I put the hand up. I would just go, come get me, me. Yeah, come get me. Yeah, come on. Help.

[Matt]

Hey, you gotta yell loud too.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

Over the waves that far away, you gotta scream so loud.

[Shane]

Or you just give the classic, yeah, put your head under, come up and go.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

That would have sucked, dude.

[Matt]

It would really suck.

[Shane]

I was, I was on the edge. I was like this. If I don't get, if I don't make any track, I don't get any traction towards, you know, where I can stand up, I'm. I'm going to throw up the flare. That would have sucked Dude.

[Lamar]

Trying to think about how fat people suicide. I mean, every day. I'm just trying to think about it, though.

[Shane]

Fat suicide.

[Lamar]

Yeah, it's slow.

[Shane]

Yeah. I think it's just more Leaving Las Vegas style with the Cheetos.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know what I mean? I don't think they really, like, blow their heads off. I don't know. I could be wrong.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think.

[Shane]

Can we.

[Matt]

Suicide's a thin man's game.

[Shane]

Yeah. How many fat people blow their fat heads off every year?

[Lamar]

Because, like, if you're fat, all you got to do is get skinny. And then you're like, oh, I'm not that sad anymore. But if you're skinny.

[Shane]

No. Then you become a child molester once you get skinny. That's happening to Jared. Yeah. You gotta watch it, man. Yeah, it's like the bends. Like, when you come up when you're scuba diving, you come up too fast. You get like that, those crippling pains, and you lose too much weight too fast. You're like.

[Matt]

I can't have those tasty treats anymore.

[Shane]

I can finally catch one of those little guys. What is it, Garden? What'd you find?

[Matt]

Was I right about thin suicides?

[Sean]

It's hard to find, like, a good figure, but it says a lot of obese. Well, around 15% of obese children. And think about committing suicide, I guess from being bullied and stuff.

[Shane]

Yes, obviously, dude.

[Sean]

But then it's more common in. It's 20 obese females report suicidal ideation and then 8% obese males.

[Shane]

So it's pretty low.

[Matt]

80%. No, 8. Oh, I said 80. I was like, damn.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's hard to find.

[Matt]

Like, I will say the. The schizophrenic community can bulk and they. And they're not afraid to, you know.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, they'll do it. They'll go into the schizophrenic.

[Lamar]

People are getting crushed by AI, dude.

[Shane]

Yeah, I can.

[Matt]

I can see that.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's tough, dude.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Those Sora videos came out of nowhere. And they're good.

[Shane]

Yeah, I've heard about that.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's good. Although, you know, now we have all the deep fakes. Be like, deep. Another. A deep fake clip for podcast. Talking about tablecloths and sorrow. Yeah, it is kind of nice. We'll be in, like, complete fake reality, so, you know, you won't know what's what. Yeah, yeah, we're kind of already there because there was, like, you know, there was the Trump alleged letter to Jeffrey Epstein, the beautiful mystery, and he's just like, that's not real. You're like, it might be fake.

[Lamar]

He sent him a new bio letter.

[Shane]

Yeah. Draw. I will say that's pretty tough to draw to write. Like a weird, cryptic message in the shape of a woman's figure.

[Lamar]

Yeah. I mean.

[Shane]

I mean, dude, taking it out of context, that is a sick letter to send to one of your boys. If it wasn't about, you know, child sex island.

[Matt]

For sure. Without a doubt. Without a doubt.

[Shane]

It is a boss movie. Yeah.

[Matt]

If you get rid of the child sex trafficking, get that out. A lot of what Epstein was up to was fly.

[Shane]

It's true.

[Lamar]

It's pretty cool.

[Matt]

But that. Then the. The big one, you know?

[Shane]

Yeah, I know.

[Matt]

And you can do that for a lot of historical figures.

[Shane]

True, true. Yeah. Man, he just pigged.

[Matt]

Pigged.

[Shane]

If he's had. If he had like, mature, busty, natural island. Yeah.

[Lamar]

Big St. James.

[Matt]

Big St. James.

[Shane]

Having. You having mature naturals. Just like those ladies at the strip club where you look at and you go, all right, ma', am, this is your last season. Yeah. There's always a no ass blonde haired lady who's like, put on white snake and gets up there and everyone's like, yeah.

[Matt]

Called flaccos.

[Lamar]

Yeah.

[Shane]

God damn.

[Matt]

You're still in the league.

[Shane]

Holy.

[Matt]

You starting this week?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

An old stripper's called a Flacco. I'll tell you what. He still got it. Still got it.

[Shane]

True. Yeah. They get on it's. I mean, it's so hard because they're following like a 22 year old Dominican lady just absolutely gracing the pole. Then you have a lady bust out.

[Matt]

Like flying to the ceiling, crawling on the ceiling. Exorcist.

[Shane]

Just an old, bony white haired lady with giant bangs. You're kind of like, where the. Where the. Did you crawl out of here? I go get on my own. Come and get it, boys. I'll wait. I swear to God, every time I've been.

[Matt]

Let's get a dance.

[Shane]

Let's get a dance.

[Matt]

You know, I'm all right. What are you gay? God damn, lady.

[Lamar]

And you're mean.

[Matt]

You know who I've got my eye on?

[Sean]

The.

[Matt]

The mean ugly one. That's who I want to dance with.

[Shane]

Nah. Sometimes I've rode the dragon of the Flacco. The strip club.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's not all. It's kind of a nice move.

[Lamar]

Still play?

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, they know all the tricks. An old dog. The old dogs, man, they know the playbook.

[Matt]

Yeah, they know the playbook. Front, back.

[Shane]

Yep. They're aware of the Kelly Blue Book. And they go, look, we throw in some bells and whistles. There's a secret compartment in here. Busted out the kbb. The kbb. It's.

[Matt]

Yeah, I know.

[Shane]

Dealership propaganda.

[Matt]

You know, I did nothing but battle with the kbb. Some old guy would come in and go, well, Blue Book says my car's worth this much. And I go, dude, the whole thing is.

[Shane]

It is.

[Matt]

Yeah. You want to know how much the car I'm selling you is worth on kbb? You want to do that?

[Shane]

Yep.

[Matt]

Or we can just disregard kbb.

[Shane]

Yep.

[Matt]

Up to you.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's. I like Edmonds. I'm an Edmonds guy.

[Matt]

Oh, the Edmonds is great. I still check Edmunds just to see what's going on.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's like, that's the market.

[Matt]

I just want to see what.

[Shane]

You just want to know what's going on. That's a live market value.

[Lamar]

Looking at the trades.

[Matt]

I love checking out the trade.

[Shane]

Have you ever, like, just been chilling somewhere and picked up an auto trader and try to pretend you, like, give a. I've done it before. I have, like, just scanned an auto trader, like, getting my oil change just to impress the mechanics.

[Matt]

I think I have it at work, like, when I was selling cars, to pretend I was remotely interested in this career.

[Lamar]

I like the house magazines at the Wawa. Wah. Those are pretty cool.

[Shane]

Like, good house.

[Matt]

You read mags at Wawa?

[Lamar]

The house ones, they have all the houses in it. Like, you never seen that one.

[Shane]

I kind of know what you're talking about.

[Lamar]

Yeah, I love those. Like, oh, I'm gonna get this one.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's like, look at this.

[Matt]

I hope Shane gets this one. Oh, she's got a nice pool house.

[Shane]

I thought you were talking about, like, the home decor. You're talking about the ones straight up for sale. Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of tight.

[Lamar]

I just like looking at them. The yards.

[Shane]

That's nice.

[Lamar]

I needed. I need a yard. I gotta get a yard. I gotta get a.

[Matt]

You gotta clean up back there still everywhere.

[Shane]

Maybe that's how we can solve the. That whole, like, homeowner crisis. You know, if, like, people. They're saying, like, people, you know, if the Millennial and whatever, Gen Z won't own houses, we could, like, VR them in a apartment. We could just, like, walk outside and there's, like, a white picket fence. I was like, hey, neighbor, place looks great. You get to go. Thanks, buddy.

[Matt]

You can customize it to make them all mature, naturals. Every single neighbor is like, oh, My jugs are out again, aren't they? No, that's okay. Damn. We could get a little mature natural island going.

[Shane]

Yo, man. No, Everyone would be everyone. Like, this is a major improvement. Improvement. Peace in the Middle east, not a child sex island. Big daddies would be crazy, bro. Big Korean natties. Greedy we were.

[Matt]

That would have gone too far.

[Shane]

That was a search. That was a search. I forget one of my brothers is.

[Matt]

All the big people.

[Shane]

Mad big Korean.

[Matt]

That might. People might be as up in arms about that as Little St. James Bakery and Addies. Yeah, the jealousy.

[Shane]

True.

[Matt]

Guillotines, they'd bring it back, you know. This is the French Revolution. They have an island of Korean naturals.

[Shane]

That'd be tough. That would be tough. And you could just test them like cocaine. You just touch a pinky. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You swirl them and like, you rub them in a liquid. It turns purple. You're like, oh, yeah. That's the stuff. I'm giving a killer soundtrack to this episode.

[Matt]

We're doing good. You saw. You saw T. Pain, bro. The music's coursing through your veins.

[Shane]

I was in the drum circle, bro. I mean, this is a music town.

[Matt]

This is.

[Shane]

It's live.

[Matt]

Austin. They're the live music capital of the world.

[Ad]

True.

[Shane]

You know. Well, hell, yeah, dude.

[Matt]

Yeah. Good episode.

[Shane]

Goddamn. Did it.

[Matt]

See you on the Patreon.

[Shane]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do.