Ep 583 - Ice Cream Dream (feat. James McCann)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast

Episode 583 – Ice Cream Dream (feat. James McCann)
October 31, 2025

---

Episode Overview

This episode of the ever-chaotic Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast finds hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis joined by comedian James McCann for a rapid-fire session of riffing, storytelling, and loose social commentary. The trio is later joined by Sean and Nate for a roundtable that covers everything from white rapper culture and Uber driver stories, to the politics of holding hands, to body image, and a healthy dose of irreverent humor about everything from Hitler’s tactics to the aesthetics of the IDF’s social media strategy. Laced with classic bits, off-the-cuff jokes, and playful provocations, the episode blends deep silliness with unexpectedly sharp social observations.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. White Rappers, Rap Culture & Eminem’s Legacy (00:12–06:51)

• Sean shares frustration over Twitter haters joking about his Mark Wahlberg look, and the conversation quickly careens into impressions and white rapper archetypes.
• They discuss the adversarial dynamic between Eminem and other white rappers like Mark Wahlberg and Vanilla Ice.
• Matt jokes about the need for “white rappers to stop the violence and vote,” highlighting how infighting among white rappers is almost comical.
• Discussion about Jewish vs. non-Jewish white rappers, with a comedic shoutout to the Beastie Boys as “the cool ones.”
• Sean recounts being lent Ad-Rock’s (Beastie Boys) jacket before a show in Buffalo and how it made him genuinely feel the imaginary “ancestral power” of white rappers.

  “I felt the Ad Rock floated through you and the jet blood of the white rapper king.” —Matt (03:15)

• Shane reveals he’s been trying to sell beats with no luck, laughing at the saturation of beat production online.
• They riff on infamous producer tags and the dangers of white guys excitedly belting out hooks with racial slurs, recalling an uncomfortable car incident.
• Conversation turns serious-comic reflecting on racial boundaries at rap concerts (like Kanye giving "permission" to use slurs) and how audiences self-censor when a song's N-word comes up, underscoring awkwardness at predominantly white rap events.

2. Awkward Uber Rides & Homeless Solutions (07:19–11:35)

• Sean shares a funny story about an Uber driver forgetting he had a passenger and exploding with profanity at another driver, only to realize there was an elderly woman in the back.

• The crew discusses the tiered chatting culture of Uber—“happy to chat” on premium rides but default chattiness on UberX.

• Shane recollects being subjected to an Uber driver’s pitch for a “Homeless Hotel” documentary, leading to a spirited brainstorming of bizarre, impractical homeless solutions ("the answer is the military!").

• Matt brings up Hitler’s tactic of employing criminals in warfare (the Dirlewanger Brigade), prompting jokes about realizing your “good idea” was a Nazi idea.

  “It always stinks when you think something’s a good idea and it turns out Hitler did it.” —Sean (13:30)

3. Viral Vigilantes & Prank Escalation (15:05–18:52)

• The group dives into YouTube’s pedophile hunter phenomenon, riffing on the joy some creators seem to find in “body-checking” suspects, and how the meta could evolve with “pedophile hunter hunters” – pranking the vigilantes themselves.
• Jokes about the ethics and escalating absurdity of online justice:

  “You want to be the guardian angels for pedophiles?” —Shane (16:44)

• Pivot to TV nostalgia: jokes about rebooting outrageous 2000s reality shows and the popularity of humiliating "fat house" Biggest Loser–style competitions, reflecting on the changing tone of entertainment.

4. Retro TV & Questionable Social Experiments (18:53–22:25)

• They reminisce about reality shows that couldn’t be made today: race-segregated seasons of Survivor, Wife Swap, and Fear Factor.
• Matt deadpans through the old "supplies/surprise" Asian joke—earnest, self-aware, and emblematic of their brand of edgy, old-school material.

5. Hand-Holding, Fatherhood, and Barbershop Antics (22:26–29:01)

• The crew discusses the cultural significance of hand-holding (Vietnamese customs), their mutual distaste for holding hands, and the unique dynamic of parenting young children.
• Shane recounts an awkward barbershop experience, a suspect mullet, and the etiquette of men opening up to barbers mid-haircut.
• Matt laments shaving his mustache — “I forgot I don’t have an upper lip”— and the psychic impact of bone structure in adulthood.

6. Hair, Masculinity, and Dream Analysis (29:02–34:42)

• The age-old question of “Hitler stash” facial hair is raised, with Matt admitting a fleeting brush with the forbidden style mid-shave.
• Sean shares a rare, peaceful "ice cream dream" and is gently roasted for what the others insist could only be a thinly disguised sex dream:

  “That was a sexual dream.” —Matt (30:26)

• Group muses on psychoanalytic dream interpretation in a classic, dismissive style.

7. Genitalia in Comedy & Social Context (34:43–39:38)

• James McCann describes the shockwaves caused by an Australian musician exposing his penis on the red carpet—debates about standards, apology culture, and the alleged "threat" of male nudity in media.
• Comparison with American comedy's more prudish standards; riffs about using nudity as a last comedic resort.

8. Hecklers, Nightlife Hazards & Cocaine Etiquette (39:39–44:45)

• Sean and Shane swap war stories about disruptive audience members, handling ejections with humor and dignity.
• Riff on encountering coked-out fans—Matt laments getting offered cocaine in almost every bar he enters.
• Briefly, the perils of public family gossip, as Sean worries about family moles reporting on podcast antics and “gay” jokes about his dad.

9. College Football, LSU Antics & Coach Gossip (47:37–51:32)

• The trio dives into college football lore—LSU fans’ “Suck that tiger dick, bitch” chant, coaching scandals, and SEC coaches’ rumored exploits with students.
• Jokes about hot yoga as a venue for “bad intentions.”

10. Powerlifting Journeys, Spousal Bickering & Ice Cream Therapy (51:33–53:31)

• Sean discusses his new powerlifting regimen and how higher testosterone levels are causing pettily heightened spats with his wife.
• Everyone shares fondness for taking kids to Dairy Queen and the performative “turning Blizzard cups upside-down” ritual.

11. Teen Misbehavior, Vigilante Justice, and Curtis Sliwa (54:00–58:57)

• Stories of childhood vandalism—snowballing cars, “Fire in the Hole” fast food pranks, and getting chased by angry adults.
• Matt launches into the saga of Curtis Sliwa, founder of the Guardian Angels, whose violent run-ins with the mafia and vigilante subway patrols are celebrated as uniquely American.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Accidental Racism at Rap Concerts:
  “At the peak of the chorus, the energy comes right down for two seconds when everyone respectfully leaves the words out and goes back to singing.” —Shane (05:51)

• On Realizing Your Great Idea Was Hitler’s:
  “It always stinks when you think something’s a good idea and it turns out Hitler did it.” —Sean (13:30)

• On Pranking Pedophile Hunters:
  “You want to be the guardian angels for pedophiles?” —Shane (16:44)

• On Hand-Holding:
  “I really despise holding hands while walking.” —Matt (22:49)

• On Shaving & Regret:
  “I shaved my mustache and I forgot how small my mouth was.” —Matt (27:04)

• On Dream Literalism:
  “That was a sexual dream.” —Matt (30:26)
  “Clearly my only pleasant dream I've ever had. That was peanut butter.” —Sean (30:27)

• On Nudity in Comedy:
  “There should be more penises at award shows.” —Matt (33:45)

• On Cocaine in Comedy Clubs:
  “I'm not joking. I get offered Coke at 90% of the bars I go to.” —Matt (42:47)

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• White Rapper Discourse: 00:12–06:51
• Uber Driver and Homeless Hotel Stories: 07:19–11:35
• Pedophile Hunter Riff: 15:05–18:52
• Reality TV Reboots: 18:53–22:25
• Hand-Holding & Parenting: 22:26–24:40
• Haircuts & Masculinity: 24:41–29:01
• Sexual Dream Analysis: 29:02–34:42
• Comedy and Nudity: 34:43–39:38
• Dealing with Hecklers: 39:39–44:45
• College Football Chants & Coach Rumors: 47:37–51:32
• Powerlifting & Ice Cream: 51:33–53:31
• Teen Antics & Vigilantism: 54:00–58:57
• Curtis Sliwa Vigilante Story: 56:01–58:57

---

Tone and Style

Throughout the episode, the hosts maintain their trademark blend of irreverence and dry absurdity. The conversational pace is brisk, with constant bit-flipping, callback jokes, and self-aware commentary. Much of the humor is boundary-pushing, but the chemistry between the hosts ensures it never drags into mean-spiritedness.

Their style thrives on riffing, mock sincerity, and mid-topic pivots from the ridiculous to the oddly insightful, all delivered in a tone that veers from smirking irony to bursts of boisterous laughter.

---

This episode is a quintessential Matt and Shane offering: rapid-fire, boundary-skimming, and stuffed with the sort of bits, stories, and comic left turns that drive their huge cult audience. If you’re new, buckle up — and maybe prepare to defend your favorite reality show.

Transcript

[Shane]

The wild, wild west.

[Matt]

Hey, what's up, guys?

[Sean]

What's up, everybody? How we doing?

[Shane]

This is.

[Sean]

This is just awesome stuff.

[Matt]

This is awesome.

[Sean]

This is great stuff. I love this, man.

[Matt]

What's that?

[Sean]

Just this.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Podcast and chilling. I'm. Right now, I'm. I have. I'm dealing with all the haters on Twitter right now.

[Matt]

What are the haters doing?

[Sean]

Dude, I. I sent, like, a friendly tweet out yesterday saying, like, how much. I can't believe. I can't believe how much I look like Mark Wahlberg with my hat backwards. Everyone's attacking me, saying, like, yeah, Mark Wahlberg quotes. And they give me pictures of Fred Durst. I'm like, yo, what the hell, guys?

[Shane]

It's got to be nicer than the handsome young boys compliment.

[Sean]

No, it's. You see the picture?

[Matt]

There's rules.

[Sean]

I'm going for Wahlberg, bro. I'm going for. I was. Joe, Obviously, I was kidding. I was like, damn, I can't believe how much I love.

[Matt]

Can I see?

[Sean]

I look exactly like Walberg.

[Matt]

I know.

[Sean]

I know. You look exactly. I look exactly.

[Matt]

Can you do a Wahlberg impression?

[Sean]

I'll have to think about it. What's he doing Thing.

[Matt]

Yeah, you gotta show them the. What's the name of the brand?

[Sean]

Municipal. My. My jeans are too short. My wife made fun of me this morning.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, you do have those. I got the project salties on. You got the capris, dude.

[Sean]

Municipal. Look at the swag. Did you see him with.

[Matt]

Did you pray this morning at 5am Did I what? Did you pray at 5am I probably did.

[Sean]

I woke up. If I. I always. I say, very pretty.

[Matt]

Did you and AC Slater stay straight?

[Sean]

Play prayed up AC Slater stay sprayed up?

[Matt]

Yes.

[Sean]

I didn't know that.

[Matt]

Slater and Wahlberg are boys, dude.

[Sean]

Are they boys?

[Matt]

Yes, and they're tough.

[Sean]

I saw him MOG and Drew ski, bro. Mark Wahlberg.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, I did see that.

[Sean]

What do you think I'm from? That's what he said on Juicy Show. What do you think I'm from? Pretty sick.

[Matt]

You see Eminem, mog, Wahlberg.

[Sean]

Yes, I saw that. That was. He mogged the. Well, Wahlberg was trying to switch lanes. I think Walgr was probably like, man, you catch me 10 years ago when I was wilding out. We see about this. But yeah, Eminem mocked Wahlberg on tr.

[Matt]

Was mean to him, dude.

[Sean]

Well, he was just kind of like, it's killing him. I don't know what. What was. What was Wahlberg doing that he didn't like he was probably partied out.

[Matt]

Eminem, I think, hated every white rapper.

[Sean]

Yeah, well, also, it was Marky Mark, so he was getting compared to Marky Mark all the time. It was kind of like a diss.

[Matt]

He hated, so he had to bring it to him. He always talks on Vanilla Iceberg.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt]

All of them.

[Sean]

That's. That's our problem as white rappers. Dudes grabs in a bucket.

[Matt]

I know. We gotta change the culture. We gotta stop the violence and vote. As white rappers, we need to stop the violence and vote. White rappers probably do need to stop the violence and vote.

[Sean]

They do. They.

[Matt]

I think the non. The non Jewish white rappers. I feel like the Jewish white rappers are nice.

[Sean]

Yeah, they're fine.

[Shane]

You think the Beastie Boys.

[Matt]

They're definitely cool, Dude.

[Sean]

I was at a. Where was I recently? Buffalo. I was in Buffalo walking into a show, and a guy was like, yo, check it out. It's Ad Rock's jacket. He was like, I think he used to drive limos and Ad Rock left his jet. It literally said Ad Rock was an old Beastie Boys jacket.

[Matt]

It's incredible.

[Sean]

It's awesome how he let me wear it. He goes, put. I didn't. He's like, put it on.

[Matt]

That's how you started feeling like Mark Wahlberg.

[Sean]

What the hell are you talking about? What the hell are you talking about?

[Matt]

You felt the Ad Rock floated through you and the jet blood of the white rapper king.

[Sean]

I really felt. I really felt the power, man.

[Matt]

You felt our ancestors.

[Sean]

I did. I felt good, man. I put on the Ad Rock jacket, you know, but, hey, you know, I had to give it right back. But I was kind of hoping he let me keep it, but he didn't. It was actually. It's a sick possession.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Driving a limo and Ad Rock leaves a jacket. He's like, dude, I've been wearing this thing for, like, 10 years. I think it was sick. But, yeah.

[Matt]

Oh, you're a white rapper.

[Sean]

Oh.

[Shane]

I've been rapping. I've been laying it down, Mr. Very Good Rapper. I'll be out there. I'm just waiting. I'm trying to do production now. I'm trying to get other people to do the rapping. And no one will buy the beats.

[Matt]

Really.

[Shane]

Zero beats purchased.

[Sean]

You know, it's hard to sell beats now. So you just go on. Yeah, you just go on and be like. You people used to make, like, $250,000 for Beats, and now it's, like, used to a. Whatever, Swiss beat style. There's a million things on YouTube I.

[Shane]

May have to pay for a feature. It may come to it.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What I would like to do is straight rapper.

[Sean]

What's your hook? You gotta yell something out. Yells just like, we the best.

[Shane]

I'm like, I'm Lupe Fiesta. I got no hooks.

[Sean]

Yeah, you need a cool. You need a cool hook that everyone has.

[Shane]

Oh, I could produce a tag.

[Sean]

Yes.

[Matt]

Was it in Lupe's first and 15th, or was that just the album?

[Shane]

First dance person 15, I think was like, the crew.

[Matt]

Just, you know, it's kind of.

[Shane]

Those are the days that the welfare chicks would arrive in the neighborhood. Yes, that's true.

[Sean]

But you need, like, if young Metro don't. Something like that.

[Matt]

Yeah, you need something like that. Or.

[Shane]

I mean, if young Metro.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Trust you. I'm shooting.

[Matt]

One time we were in a car.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I'm not gonna name the perpetrator.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Because I know snitch. Yeah. But it's me, Nate, and another white comedian in the car. And out of nowhere, he yelled, take he these. And he did it.

[Sean]

Whoa.

[Matt]

I think he forgot. Nate was in the back seat. And we all had to just be.

[Sean]

Like.

[Matt]

All right, we all agree that was a mistake. Sorry. Everybody's sorry. I feel like you handled it well. No, it was. It was. It was undeniably classic mistake. It was so loud. It was out of nowhere.

[Sean]

I do feel like the rap. I feel like the rap excitement.

[Matt]

N word gets a song wasn't even playing.

[Sean]

Oh, okay.

[Matt]

It was not. I vividly remember.

[Shane]

Create that part in my mind.

[Matt]

Like.

[Shane]

No, we were at that.

[Matt]

No, it was. We were in traffic.

[Sean]

Traffic.

[Matt]

Traffic, Exactly. I think that's what jarred it loose.

[Shane]

For him at that childish Gambino gig. He did the Stay Woke song, which has a very prominent N in it, but the audience is mostly white.

[Sean]

Yeah. Oh, rap concerts.

[Shane]

And it's at the. It's. It was very strange, though. At the peak of the chorus, the energy comes right down for two seconds when everyone respectfully leaves the words out and goes back to singing the chorus.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Stay woke creeping. They leave it.

[Sean]

That's. I've seen rap. I've seen white people at rap concerts fully get their money's worth.

[Matt]

Saw Woodstock. You saw Woodstock 99. You saw DMX. Woodstock 99.

[Shane]

I think I was at a Kanye.

[Matt]

Concert where 10 million whites getting it in.

[Shane]

I was given permission by Kanye from the stage to participate, I believe.

[Sean]

Really?

[Shane]

When he was doing his tours, he would always. He would say, get into it. Say the.

[Sean]

Oh. He'd be like, don't hold Back.

[Matt]

I think Schoolboy Q has tricked that poor honky woman.

[Shane]

It's not right.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That evil bastard.

[Sean]

Wait, so, Nate, what was the. Was it like you just give the guy a yellow card or like, what was the.

[Matt]

He got yellow.

[Sean]

He's a yellow card.

[Matt]

One more. It was red, but.

[Sean]

It'S like anything we've ever seen before.

[Shane]

So good. So good. So good. New markdowns are on at your Nordstrom Rack store. Save even more. Up to 70% on dresses, tops, boots, and handbags to give and get.

[Matt]

Cause I always find something amazing.

[Sean]

Just so many good brands.

[Shane]

I get an extra 5% off with my Nordstrom credit card. Total queen treatment.

[Matt]

Join the Nordy Club at Nordstrom Rack.

[Shane]

To unlock our best deals. Big gifts, big perks. That's why you rack.

[Matt]

Yeah, it was. It was a tough one.

[Sean]

Yeah. Just so funny. I didn't know.

[Matt]

Screamed it Tykey.

[Sean]

Fuck these.

[Matt]

It woke me up.

[Shane]

I was half asleep back there. Just coming.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think. I think that was it. You were quiet for a while. I think you were sleepy in the car.

[Shane]

Yeah, we had like a two hour drive or something.

[Matt]

It was.

[Sean]

I had a. I was talking to an Uber driver in Tulsa this weekend who said he picked up this, like, old black lady, like an old, like, church lady was driving her from the airport somewhere, like, kind of far away. And the ride was so long that he had forgotten he had an Uber passenger. And he's like, dude. So I'm like thinking, I'm going home. I have a joint in my mouth. I'm blasting too chilling. And he said someone cut him off. He didn't say what he said. He goes, bro, I let out every word in the book and just. Just everything screaming. And I turn around to see this little old black lady just staring from the back. He went, oh, Jesus Christ. Like, ma', am, I forgot you were back there. I'm so sorry about that.

[Matt]

Scared of a passenger.

[Sean]

He got terrified. He was like, you should have seen the look on your face, ma'. Am. She's like, you should have seen the look on your face. And he goes, yeah, I was scared. And then he. He dropped her off. She goes, I'll pray for you, young man. And just walked away. So thank you, ma'.

[Shane]

Am.

[Sean]

Yeah. Forgetting you have a passenger on Uber. So funny. He goes, dude, I was like, almost home. I almost brought this lady to my house. Down. You happy to chat? Features where it's at. You get the good story.

[Matt]

Couldn't disagree more. I know you're getting good stories for.

[Sean]

The pod I know you're getting good.

[Matt]

Stories for the pod, but that sucks.

[Sean]

You can set Happy to Chat on your Uber.

[Shane]

Yeah, but you're still selecting comfort to get happy to chat. You don't get that option at the lower down Uber and you don't get.

[Sean]

Happy to chat on UberX.

[Shane]

No UberEx.

[Matt]

You're gonna chat.

[Sean]

I think it's default.

[Shane]

They're not getting paid as much. They want to make their time valuable. They'll be chatting.

[Sean]

I chatted them up in some Uber.

[Shane]

I've had some of the worst uberx chats of my. Had a guy explain his movie ideas to me, and then I felt like, we'll just get to the end of it. Don't interrupt. And then I noticed he had started going like 12 miles an hour. He slowed right down so that he could explain the full extent of the movie idea. It was. His idea was to get homeless people to work in a hotel and make a documentary about it and have the documentary.

[Matt]

Who's your driver, Matt Mad.

[Sean]

The homeless hotel.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Obviously.

[Sean]

What a cruel. But they can't stay there.

[Shane]

I don't. Yeah, they were making so much money.

[Matt]

From the basement for him. Get some.

[Shane]

Who's choosing to stay at. When you're looking up all the Yelp reviews of the hotels or whatever, you're going, I think this homeless hotel. That's a good.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's a terrible idea.

[Matt]

What else did he. Did he elaborate anything?

[Shane]

There was going to be a sequel. He was going to hire one as a manager. He was going to open a chain and solve homelessness in America.

[Sean]

To be fair, man, they're already equipped. They got the shopping carts. You could have lined up, like the Uber for your stuff. Just have like a line of like 20 of them come up, put them in. They watch them just walk away with all of your.

[Matt]

Yeah, just take it immediately.

[Sean]

Homeless hotel will be nice.

[Shane]

I think the answer is the military, the more I think about it. Military, military wing for the homeless. They need jobs. This is how MAH fixed the opium crisis in China. He just took everyone who was an opium addict and he put them in the army and he said, you have purpose, you have a uniform is what you do.

[Sean]

Now, I honestly don't think that's.

[Shane]

Don't send the National Guard in. Turn them into the National Guard. Very scary brigade.

[Sean]

They could just. There's a ton of work they could do in the military. That wouldn't be bad.

[Matt]

Hitler did that many people kind of. He took like insane people and criminals and. And was just like, just Go kill as many people as you can. Civilians on the. On the eastern front. Yeah, I forgot the name.

[Sean]

I'm thinking more like having a.

[Matt]

What's the name of that group?

[Shane]

I don't know. This is the first time hearing about that.

[Matt]

Yes. Look that up. There's like a circus. No, they were just the worst people and their job was to kill civilians.

[Sean]

Well, the problem is, too, once you put homeless people in the military, now they're. They have to answer to, like, military court. So I think you could, like, beat them up and stuff. If they try to run off, I think they try to run away. I think you'd be able to, like, get in their face and be like.

[Matt]

Maggot, where you go, wish fulfillment right back at that.

[Sean]

I'm not a maggot.

[Matt]

I have maggots in my skin. There's bugs everywhere.

[Sean]

I might start a street military, like, just like. Like a cadre where I go out and I'm like, get up. Wake up. Kiss your mother.

[Matt]

Boys.

[Sean]

Just get. Wake them up. That'd be a good service, just to.

[Matt]

Wake up homeless guys. You gotta play taps to put them to bed. Put them to bed at night. You gotta hit taps at, like, noon when they're nodding out.

[Sean]

Damn, that'd be so funny. Blast him with the bugle.

[Matt]

Wake up, boys. Welcome to hell. It just reminds me of my time at the point, man. Yeah, my bad, my bad. No, that's all right. There was a time they do play taps before you go to bed.

[Sean]

Do they?

[Matt]

And I was laying there like, I could do this. Yeah, it's nice, dude. Going to bed, hearing taps.

[Shane]

You're like, what is tabs playing?

[Sean]

Tabs.

[Shane]

They play you into bed.

[Sean]

The sad one. Yeah.

[Shane]

I didn't know that. They.

[Matt]

They talk you in at night. What was that? What was that?

[Sean]

Hitler brigade.

[Matt]

Get in there.

[Guest]

It's hard to pronounce, but I think it's the Darl Wanger Brigade.

[Matt]

Daryl Wangers.

[Guest]

Yeah. Yeah. By a child. A child. Sex criminal and sociopath named Oscar Darlwanger.

[Matt]

Nice.

[Guest]

So that was his. His group of merry men.

[Sean]

And what did he lead? He led just, like, just beating people.

[Matt]

Another group of.

[Guest]

Yeah, they would do, like, rapists and.

[Matt]

Drunks and war crimes.

[Sean]

Damn.

[Matt]

And they just around and committed war crimes in Belarus.

[Sean]

He's. He had the pedophiles.

[Guest]

I think that's what it is. At least there's. There's a few.

[Sean]

And what was the deal afterwards? If he survived it? Was it, like, clean slate?

[Guest]

I'm not sure. I'll check it out.

[Matt]

Yeah, I don't think they were. I think they were looking to the future at that point with that squad.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt]

Well, anyway, that's a fun topic.

[Sean]

It always sinks when you think something's a good idea and it turns out Hitler did it. And you go, you're at a crossroad. We have to either be like, I take it back.

[Shane]

Before you go, well, I like the Autobahn. I think the Autobahn is cool.

[Sean]

Fast highway.

[Shane]

We'll give them that. Big stadiums. That's great. We like big stadiums.

[Matt]

What else you got?

[Guest]

It says after the war they were just sent back to jail. They're all just reconvicted.

[Sean]

That guy Hitler really was a bastard. Don't trust a word he says.

[Matt]

Back to the clink, fellas. Good luck sleeping.

[Sean]

That's crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah, I'm sure the Soviets did that too. Everybody was.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Scraping the barrel.

[Sean]

True. And America was nothing but like those YouTube pedophile hunter guys being like, hey, what the hell are you doing? Hey. He's running past the tomatoes. This episode is brought to you by Battlefield Red Sec. Yes. A free to play FPS destination built on Battlefield's iconic DNA.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Sean]

Drop into Fort Linden for a battle royale only Battlefield can deliver. Featuring massive scout destruction, fast paced squad play and the deadliest ring in br. Survive and advance in gauntlet.

[Matt]

Oh yeah.

[Sean]

An all new knockout style elimination mode where squads race to complete missions.

[Matt]

Oh yeah.

[Sean]

Then redraw the lines of battle with portal. Battlefield Red Sec is available on PC, PlayStation 5 and Xbox. Xbox and S play free now.

[Matt]

I love it. I have a hoot playing that game.

[Sean]

I deserve. I think I haven't seen any pedophile that was like in my algorithm for a while. That's kind of like falling out.

[Matt]

Hunters.

[Sean]

The belly punch. Yeah, the belly punch.

[Matt]

Guys. Body check into the deodorant guys.

[Sean]

Because now we need a new task force to police those guys specifically. Hey, stop watching that. Yeah.

[Matt]

Once you get the taste of body checking somebody in a cvs, that's tough to get out. Checking someone into the aisle is so fun.

[Sean]

Especially when you're like. Cuz they're watching videos of their work. So you're like studying technique. You're like, I could have laid into that guy. Good little Mexican autistic guy. I could have really hit him harder.

[Matt]

I'm glad you guys are here. You guys. I'm doing the same thing. I was trying to get the kids so nice. They like.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You sure?

[Sean]

Oh no, that would be nice to, you know, it be good. And this would Be. This would be a very delicate kind of line to walk where you go online as a joke and you try to find or entice these guys you can tell are operatives. So it'd be risky because he would have to do like, lewd talk with who could be a teenager. But then, like, you, you get trapped on purpose by one of these guys and you meet him in the Walmart and then you have a bigger guy than him there to be like, you. What? I heard you're a pedophile and like, no, I'm not. I'm here to get the pedophiles.

[Matt]

You talking about entrapping these guys with a squad to beat the out of the pedal owners for no good reason. Just pedophiles for YouTube views.

[Sean]

Just so that's where my heart.

[Matt]

You want the pedophiles to get a win on one of these videos?

[Sean]

No, no, I don't want the pedophiles.

[Matt]

They are the Washington Generals.

[Sean]

I want. I want to trick them. I would hire a pedophile to like, yo, if you got any meetups, let me go. And I'd be like, I wouldn't. I want to talk to kids like that.

[Shane]

You want to be the guardian angels for pedophiles?

[Sean]

No, I just want to get big YouTube views for pedophile Hunter Hunter, where I hunt out pedophile hunters.

[Matt]

I like it.

[Sean]

And then accuse them of pedophilia as a prank. Jessica, it's just a dude, Relax. It's a prank.

[Matt]

It's a good prank. You want to rumble in the Walgreens?

[Sean]

I didn't want to do it. I'm gonna hire a giant, man.

[Matt]

Hire like five dude.

[Sean]

Yeah, exactly.

[Matt]

Whale on these.

[Sean]

And then be like, we gotta. He'd be like, yo, brothers, I'm not a pedophile.

[Shane]

What the.

[Matt]

Should honestly just start doing that to random dudes at the shopping center. Be like, you're here to meet a 15 year old. Be like, what? Scott's here to meet a 15 year old?

[Sean]

You know? Now you say it. That's a way better way to do it rather than, you know, rather than having to risk it all. Because you'd have to, like, talk to local law enforcement. Like, hey, I'm going to prank. We're going to be, you know, pretending to talk to kids online, but I'm going to hire, like, AI Bots to do that for me. I'm not going to do it myself.

[Matt]

It's not a bad. Well, it's a terrible plan, but it's a funny joke.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt]

James what do you have?

[Shane]

No, I think. I think the market is. Cuz that was to Catch a Predator and people just took that and made that a YouTube show. Yeah, but none of the other great, weird early 2000s TV shows that you couldn't make today have made the jump to, like someone could make the Biggest Loser now just get a fat house and.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You'Re talking about a blob form.

[Shane]

Yes. But there were like heaps of those shows that you go, you can't do that.

[Sean]

We were addicted to the. Getting the fats to shrink for a while.

[Shane]

I would watch it. They would release it just after dinner time. You'd be eating your dessert and you'd watch the workouts. My wife went in a deep dive on Biggest Loser and found there was someone who died on the show. Briefly. They were resuscitated.

[Sean]

The Biggest Loser on the Biggest Loser.

[Matt]

The Ultimate Loser.

[Shane]

But then they were brought back to life and the doctor said, I'll train you. You don't do any work with these trainers. Now they're trying to kill you. And then they lost more weight than anybody on the show because everyone hated them.

[Matt]

Maybe it was. She might have been Netflix.

[Shane]

She was watching the Netflix fat people documentary. I loved that show.

[Sean]

Yeah, it's awesome. But. Yes. You're saying they haven't remade enough of these shows?

[Matt]

I think they're bringing back Fear Factor right now.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Who's gonna be the host?

[Matt]

I don't know.

[Sean]

Tony.

[Matt]

Eat that ox penis. Yeah, you like that?

[Sean]

That'd be sick. If he hosted the new Fear Factory. Awesome. He's got to get swole though, bro. That's the. That's the only thing.

[Matt]

First time I came to Austin, he was.

[Sean]

Yeah, he's ripped for sure. I do want to see him bulk.

[Matt]

Yeah, you could bulk up.

[Sean]

I want to see him bulk and then do Fear Factor.

[Matt]

That'd be sick.

[Sean]

That'd be tight.

[Matt]

What else was there back then? What shows?

[Sean]

Oh, in terms of like, what other.

[Matt]

Shows couldn't we do?

[Shane]

There were. I mean, there were little ones on odd channels. There was like. Like Wife Swap. Oh, yeah, for the week.

[Matt]

I'm still watching that.

[Shane]

There was the season of Survivor where they.

[Matt]

I mean, I watched that last night, honestly.

[Shane]

There's a season of Survival where they divided the tribes by race.

[Sean]

Really?

[Shane]

Yeah. It was Parvati's first season. There was a black tribe, a white tribe who's first season, and a Hispanic tribe. It was like the 15th season.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane]

And they divide them all up by race.

[Sean]

Did you catch the whole thing?

[Shane]

I'm about halfway through it. The Asians all hate the Vietnamese guy. Cause Asians don't get along. The black people are not. Also, none of them know before the season starts if this is what's gonna be happening. So they get there and they go, all right, you're all over there. And then you see people looking around going like, oh, no. Hispanics are very happy about it.

[Matt]

I think I remember that season.

[Shane]

It's a crazy.

[Matt]

I was on the island. There was a white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy at first. And the white guy was like, all right, I'm gonna start building the shelter. The black dude, he was like, all right, you go, like, start hunting. Try to gather some food. And he's like, asian dude, go search for supplies. And after, like three hours, they couldn't. They couldn't find the Asian guy. And they went out. He jumped out from behind a tree and went, surprise.

[Shane]

I think his name is Cowboy.

[Sean]

He was playing tricks.

[Matt]

No, it's just a classic joke. An Asian guy thinking supplies with surprise. It's just an old. That's a throwback joke.

[Sean]

I was like, wait, what?

[Shane]

You said it with such confidence.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's. That's part of the joke. I was fully dialed in.

[Sean]

I was like, that's a great joke. Hilarious.

[Matt]

Supplies.

[Sean]

Where the hell. Where did you hear that from? Probably Phil to say, that sounds like the elodge.

[Matt]

Yeah, that was an el killer, dude. That was 10 minutes of laughing. Order another round. Let's go, boys. We got a good racist joke out. Yeah, that'll get the Elks.

[Sean]

Dude. That was that Vietnam book I was reading. They were saying how much of an effect that just that stuff had on the war itself, where, like. Because apparently men in Vietnam would hold hands. It was very customary and, like, very chill for two men to hold hands in public and walk of your friends. You hold your boy's hand, you walk down the street. But if you held, like, your wife's hand, it was considered, like, crazy. So, like, they. The American soldiers would just pester those guys all the time. They used to call them homos, like they said in the book. Well, they had a guy, one of. One of the sergeants was Vietnamese, and his, like, family had been just decimated. And he'd been fighting since he was like a 10 year old boy. So that by the time he was like 20 something, he was like, dude, I'm. I'm done. He, like, just resigned. He's like, I'm not fighting with you. They're going to court martial and he's like, I don't care. And he was complaining. The guy, he's like, you guys all call us homos. You know why we hold hands? It's actually really cool. And I'm curious. Now the Vietnamese people still hold hands. Can you look up at Vietnamese men still hold hands? Because that would be a devastating effect of the war. If Vietnamese.

[Matt]

That's how, you know, we lost.

[Sean]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt]

If they're still holding hands, we definitely lost. Yeah.

[Sean]

If we.

[Matt]

I mean, if that was kind of the whole point of the fight.

[Sean]

Stop holding it.

[Matt]

Napalm.

[Sean]

They still hold hands. They. They won, bro. We did our best. We get in there, like, knock it off.

[Shane]

The streets of Ho Chi Minh City.

[Sean]

I didn't know that. Yeah, it's completely.

[Matt]

I really despise holding hands while walking.

[Sean]

I don't like it either.

[Matt]

Hate it.

[Sean]

Oh, I don't like it.

[Matt]

Sink your pace up.

[Sean]

I. Dude, sink your peso. I get. I get flack about holding hands all the time. I just.

[Matt]

I can't stand it.

[Sean]

Especially when, like, I.

[Matt]

If you're gonna do dead fish, women will dead fish. During the whole hands. I'm doing all the work here, and then somebody else is walking down the sidewalk and we gotta.

[Sean]

Yeah. I'm like, get out of the way. Yeah, get in for a. Dude, you're preaching the choir.

[Shane]

I haven't gotten to do it in a long time because I'm always holding a child's hand.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And now that my daughter is almost seven and she'll do weird. She'll be like, stepping on the cracks while holding the hand or trying not to step on the cracks. And it feels like my arm is going to get yanked out of the soccer. She wants to be lifted in the air and do a swing with the.

[Sean]

The. On the. On the. No warning. Like, I'm going to swing from your arm. Makes me so angry.

[Matt]

Walking a dog when they run, dude kills.

[Sean]

It hurts. It's the exact same thing. You just feel complete dead weight. And then I'm like, you can't do that. I get so mad, and they're like, just having fun. I don't know why you're being such a dick about this. It's like, dude, that. That sucks when you do that.

[Matt]

Hurt your father's shoulder. You do feel like a Vietnamese. What do you vc?

[Shane]

I do feel like a. Because she's having a nice time. She's having an expressing. You know, she's expressing love to me. And I go, just be normal. Look like a normal person.

[Matt]

Get off Me. All right, you're ready for Australia with that do.

[Sean]

True that crow boy.

[Matt]

The real crow boy.

[Shane]

It'll grow back. It'll grow back. It'll be. I just wanted a normal mullet. I didn't know I froze up because I think there was a very muscular woman cutting the hair. Could have been a trans person. I don't. No judgment for sure. I don't know. I don't know why.

[Matt]

If you shave that beard.

[Shane]

Yeah. Better or worse.

[Matt]

No, I'm just saying. I wouldn't be thrown around. That could be trans.

[Shane]

Oh, you think I'll be. I look trans if I get.

[Matt]

You got the fucking Starbucks do right now. You got the fucking barista outreach to the progressives.

[Shane]

We got to expand the audience.

[Matt]

You got the complete barista.

[Shane]

They gave me a neck massage afterwards. I didn't ask for it.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's kind of nice, though.

[Shane]

They put a warm towel on me and got a machine out and stuff. But it was.

[Sean]

That's nice.

[Shane]

As. I felt sad about my hair. And I was. I was appalled. I was very upset. But then I realized my mouth could be seen through the towel. She wrapped the towel around my face and I thought my expression was hidden, but then I realized my mouth was twisted into a disgusting grimace and I closed it up.

[Sean]

Did they ask you to go down that far? Did you go, like. Because that's like a two.

[Shane]

This was the first thing they did.

[Sean]

They just went, damn.

[Shane]

And then there was.

[Sean]

I couldn't say, welcome to the resistance, brother.

[Matt]

I like it. I do like it. It looks good.

[Shane]

I am waiting for it to grow.

[Sean]

I think. I think it's. It is cool.

[Shane]

I get the wings at the back. The worst is that they took photos of me. I said yes. I think I'm on their Instagram page somewhere. She goes, and lovely, lovely lady. Lovely lady. I don't know. I don't want to talk about it. But they go. I don't know if they want it. Before and after. I couldn't. I don't. I looked up open now on a Sunday. I tried to hide house. It was in this town. I tried to get. I tried to go and get one when I was in, I don't know, Tacoma. And then I sat for an hour and I had to go to the airport.

[Matt]

What did a Tacoma do, too?

[Shane]

I listened in Tacoma, waiting for a haircut. And then I just had to leave because the car was there. But this man was complaining about his girlfriend and how she was recovering from a C section. Yeah, men open up in a Barbershop, and they tell you how they really feel. It was the least sympathetic man I've ever overheard. He was literally complaining. My wife's recovering from a C section, she can't walk, and she's getting angry at me for going skiing too much. I need to go skiing so I can be there for.

[Matt]

Is he getting his haircut? Yeah, yeah. Nothing bothers me more because I'm dead silent during a haircut, which I guess is psychotic. I look at myself in the eyes the entire time. It's kind of crazy.

[Shane]

I think it was a bodybuilding.

[Matt]

Well, then there's somebody else. There's always a loud dude.

[Shane]

A very loud man. The barber can't go. Shut up.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

The barber has to go. Oh, it's hard about not being able to ski while your wife recovers from.

[Sean]

Yeah, I don't tell them, man.

[Shane]

I'm a vault.

[Matt]

I'll tell you. I had a bit of a bad haircut myself. I shaved my mustache and I forgot how small my mouth was. I forgot I don't have an upper lip.

[Shane]

You know, they can fix that as.

[Matt]

Soon as I. Yeah, I should get. It's almost time. Shaved my mouth and I was like, oh, I forgot I looked like this. I just wanted my face to look, you know, I wanted less features.

[Shane]

Why?

[Matt]

Because I have a completely featureless face.

[Shane]

I feel. This is. I feel my beard and my glasses are doing a lot to hold me in.

[Matt]

That's nice.

[Shane]

But as. Yeah, you've got the Irish. Small nose, big head, small features.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's tough.

[Shane]

Tall face.

[Sean]

I need my goat now.

[Matt]

Are you laughing at Nate? Ugly?

[Shane]

We don't know what Nate really looks like. I've never seen Nate's chin.

[Matt]

Yeah, I don't even know what it looks like anymore.

[Sean]

Do we have pics with you with a butt face?

[Matt]

With me and my butt face?

[Sean]

No, I'm saying, like, when you shave, it's called a buff.

[Matt]

No, he was. He was skinny before the beard.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

No, I didn't.

[Shane]

I didn't grow this out.

[Matt]

I'd love to see. I'd like to see that chin.

[Sean]

Oh, it's dead.

[Matt]

Let's see what's going on.

[Sean]

Clean. Clean shave.

[Matt]

By the way, you're not ugly.

[Sean]

By the way. Clean shaven is called a butt face. That's a universal. I wasn't calling your face a butt face. I thought. You thought clean shape. No, no. Clean shaven face is called a butt face.

[Shane]

Okay, Okay. I think I would look.

[Sean]

That's universal.

[Matt]

I have to Admit while I was shaving, I did you hit it.

[Shane]

Wait, you did the. Alex Jones.

[Matt]

You just got. Hit it for one second. I go, oh, it's too powerful. It was actually an accident. Yeah, you just. I just accidentally did it.

[Shane]

And I was like, oh, every time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I've given it to myself. Many, many.

[Matt]

You do have you.

[Guest]

You're.

[Sean]

That really was talking about. Yeah.

[Matt]

With the mullet with a Hitler stash would be fun.

[Sean]

Combo would be nice too, because you're like, well, I have a beard. I'm not looking.

[Shane]

Just. I'm taking away its power.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm an ally.

[Sean]

Yeah, true. That's a good point.

[Shane]

My wife wouldn't allow it, I don't think. But I do like to come out and show her. Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Always.

[Sean]

I've been cursed, man. I have a scar right here. So my mustache doesn't connect, so I can never. Can't get it.

[Matt]

Never feel the true power.

[Sean]

Never felt the power. It's never.

[Shane]

Well, you start doing the speeches in the mirror.

[Matt]

No, no, no. It was quick. It was very quick. I looked at it.

[Sean]

Whoa.

[Matt]

Because it was accidental. I got the accidental stash.

[Sean]

You started on the end. Started shaving down the ends.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Wait a second.

[Matt]

Whoopsie.

[Sean]

Wait a goddamn second here. I can't believe you nagged my dream the other day. I mean, I opened up a. Shane told him I had a nice dream. Dude, I had a dream. It was. Usually my dreams are all like, you know, I'm in like a scary house. It's all up. This was me just chilling in a nice shop, eating an ice cream cone, had a dream.

[Matt]

I wonder what that means, the scary house.

[Sean]

I don't know, dude. I'm in. I'm in the same house. It's a worn down up house in a bad neighborhood.

[Shane]

You've never been in this house before.

[Sean]

I mean. I mean, it reminds me of Melon street when I. I used to live in his house in West Philly. It reminds me of it, but it's not that, you know, it's like a slight, like, you know, whatever, but it's. That's my recurring dream. But then I finally got a break and I was just eating an ice cream cone. And there's the lady who made me. The ice cream cone was like describing what I was about to find. There's a chocolate ice cream cone. She goes, oh, there's peanut butter in there. And I'd bite and go, oh, there is peanut butter. And I just ate the ice cream cone. It was a pleasant dream. Shane's like, dude, you're a fucking pervert. It's a sex dream. I was like, no, it wasn't.

[Matt]

That was a sexual dream.

[Sean]

Clearly my only pleasant dream I've ever had. That was peanut butter.

[Shane]

Wait, are you in the dream to say this or. No, no.

[Matt]

He called me to let me know about it.

[Sean]

I was just telling him about my peanut butter ice cream dream.

[Shane]

I was like, being down about men holding hands. But you're calling people with the ice cream drink. I could never.

[Sean]

We were talking about other stuff.

[Matt]

We were talking for a while. He called me during my constitutional.

[Sean]

He's taking a constitutional. I just gotten done mine. And yeah, I was just like. I was like, dude, you'll never believe it. I had like an actual plain, like, dog dream of just eating a cone.

[Shane]

Pause.

[Sean]

But it was just eating an ice cream cone and it was just so enjoyable. It's like, that's sexual. I was like, it was not sexual.

[Matt]

It was sexual.

[Sean]

It was purely.

[Matt]

What did the woman look like?

[Sean]

I don't even remember. It was like a shadow. I swear to God. It was like a shadowy figure just being like, you know there's peanut butter in there. As soon as you'd say it, I'd bite the cone. Go, there's his peanut butter. She kept just giving me anything. She would. Any treat she would mention would just pop up. She was completely non sexual.

[Matt]

Satiating.

[Sean]

Yeah, it's completely nonsense.

[Matt]

Sweet treats.

[Sean]

Clearly I was focused on the ice cream cone more than anything. So it was nice.

[Matt]

I. I had a good one for you. This was making me laugh. Well, and I don't think it's gonna be that funny. I just wrote it down in my notes pretty late one night this week. I thought it was very funny, but I don't think it'll translate to sobriety. But I was. I was laughing at me going to a Halloween party in a Braveheart outfit and paparazzi getting a upskirt from the kill. Getting. Stepping out and just having the sitting upright penis in a kilt. The sitting upright penis.

[Sean]

Getting the Lindsay Lohan.

[Matt]

I'm gonna try to defend myself. Skirt keeps blowing up. So it's just pictures. The skirt up with the Braveheart face.

[Sean]

Classic Maryland would be so nice if.

[Matt]

You'Re over the great just Marilyn Monroe Tinas. Like, it would be the most devastating, us getting out of a car sitting upright. Picture of my penis would be.

[Sean]

It's also so funny. Just a free ball into the kilt for no reason.

[Shane]

There's a musician in Australia called Kieran J. Callanan, who went to an award show and wore a kilt. And you know, you go past the press photography and they were taking pictures and then someone goes live the kilt and he does it. And he showed his penis. Beautiful penis. But. But the fury on the left was huge.

[Sean]

What?

[Matt]

The left was mad.

[Shane]

The left was really mad that he flashed his penis.

[Sean]

Was the left who asked him to flash.

[Shane]

It obviously was the photographers. But people started lying. People started saying kids were there. Kids could have seen that. People. It was the first time I realized that many progressives are afraid of the penis. There is a fear, you know, it's always get the nipples out. You show the woman body. But a penis is somehow threatening. People are afraid of our bodies also.

[Sean]

Why would there be kids at an award?

[Shane]

No, they definitely weren't.

[Matt]

This is an insane Nickelodeon.

[Shane]

People were getting slimed in a different way.

[Matt]

Show us your dick. You wanna see your dick? Take your dick out.

[Sean]

Yeah, it's on the person who asked. Somebody asked to see it and he showed it.

[Shane]

Photos came out and it's. All of them were censored. No one other than that saw the real penis. Yeah, but I remember he had to apologize for having his penis out at an award show. There should be more penises at award shows.

[Matt]

I think decent apology though, to say.

[Shane]

Sorry, forget my dick.

[Matt]

Sorry my dick was out at the award show.

[Shane]

We had a long history.

[Matt]

I say sorry my dick. I say sorry my dick was out. Anytime it's out.

[Shane]

We had a long history of people getting in the.

[Sean]

Including sexual intercourse.

[Matt]

I go, I'm really sorry my penis is.

[Shane]

I think we should normalize.

[Matt]

That's gay too.

[Sean]

Confrontal malnourity.

[Shane]

I'm from a. I did a lot of comedy festivals, fringe festivals. It was a very important part of the show to get the penis out at some point in the show. That's how people knew that you were taking risks and doing exciting things.

[Sean]

Really?

[Shane]

Dane Rathbone would get his penis out. Dr. Brown, Goliad, trained clown. He would get his penis out a lot. It was huge. And in America, no one ever gets there. No one. I've never seen anyone.

[Matt]

Bobby Lou's still holding it down.

[Shane]

Sometimes he gets a dick out on stage. Yeah, it's a less threatening.

[Matt]

No. Yeah, it's not very threatening, but it's a. He's taking chances.

[Shane]

I hope you get dog.

[Matt]

That's a good move. Material's not working. You go, I got this old ace up my sleeve. See a wild looking dick.

[Shane]

I thought it'd be funny to Record a comedy special shot from the waist that you'd come out. You do the whole hour and it's all shot from the waist up. The dick is out the whole show. And then in the final shot, the good night, everybody, you reveal. You pull back and you reveal the penis has been out the whole. And that maybe explains how the audience is reacting for the rest of the. Wouldn't that be fun? I'll never do it. I'll never encourage to do it.

[Sean]

It is funny.

[Matt]

People screaming mad the entire show.

[Shane]

But you never address it.

[Sean]

You just keep. Yeah, the cuts to the audience are hilarious. If the audience is going.

[Shane]

To.

[Sean]

I did.

[Shane]

I started. I've never had an erection on stage before. I don't. I don't think.

[Sean]

Yeah, nobody has.

[Shane]

No. But I did a gig in Omaha and a woman stood up, a very drunk woman, and she. She got her boobs out for no real reason. And then later she did it again. I was questioning why she wasn't removed after the first time, but people left her there and there was a slight.

[Matt]

You must have been killing, dude.

[Shane]

Slight stirring.

[Matt]

People were taking their tits out.

[Shane]

It's the sort of thing you always hope is going to happen and then it does and you go, now it's not the time. Yeah, I'm trying to. You've actually ruined the anecdote.

[Sean]

Who is she with?

[Shane]

Very embarrassed, man.

[Sean]

Oh, no. I had to kick a lady out this weekend. Had to kick an elderly lady out.

[Shane]

What did she do?

[Matt]

Well, hold on. Did you get hard?

[Sean]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

I. It was a very faintest.

[Sean]

You. Pulse.

[Shane]

I had it there was. It moved.

[Matt]

It was a pulse.

[Sean]

The.

[Shane]

Of. Of course, the body cannot help, but a woman is standing and doing and showing.

[Matt]

Is she attractive or. She was a long way away, I would imagine. No.

[Sean]

Yeah. I feel like I should stand up. I just saw tits while I was doing. Stand up.

[Shane]

I did that. I tried not to.

[Sean]

I said, madam, put your tits away.

[Shane]

But it was a.

[Sean]

They believe they left the gentleman. Should have jumped in front of her tits.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Should have blocked and said, come on.

[Matt]

Should have bodyguarded.

[Sean]

Excuse me.

[Matt]

Taking the bullet for the president. You.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Usually a lady flashing her tits in public is not great.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Sean]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane]

But I think if it had only happened one time, I would have been fine. I could have moved on. But then when it repeated, she just kept.

[Matt]

Happen to me. In Westchester, I was walking past the bar and I was with o' Connor and we were walking by and I guess people in there saw me and they're like, come in, Come In. So we were like, all right, we'll come in for one. And a lady just ran outside and showed her tits.

[Sean]

Whoa.

[Matt]

And she wasn't. It wasn't great. Yeah, it was terrible.

[Sean]

That stinks.

[Matt]

It's actually, like, scary.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But if you think it. That would be very nice, you know?

[Matt]

I mean, how are you supposed to even respond? Like somebody on the street showing you their tits. You go, all right.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Nice.

[Sean]

Good job.

[Matt]

Thank you.

[Sean]

Appreciate that. Yeah.

[Matt]

Really?

[Shane]

There's no way to be.

[Sean]

Oh, cool.

[Matt]

Great tits.

[Sean]

Yeah. Nice job.

[Matt]

Thank you.

[Sean]

You gotta, like. And then, like, you. Well, you're supposed to chat that person.

[Matt]

Up or just be like, yeah. Just literally. Just walked as fast as I could, Pastor.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Damn. That's devastating. If you showed your tits and the person was like, anyway, I wish I.

[Shane]

Had another set of hands.

[Matt]

Four thumbs down.

[Shane]

The milk's gone bad.

[Sean]

Yeah. It's like, I'm sorry, ma'. Am. What do you want me to do with that?

[Matt]

Well, titty, you right here. Thank you.

[Sean]

On the street. Should have real. Called the cops. Like, sir, I've just been flashed. It's against the law.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Sir, I'd like to report a sexual crime.

[Matt]

My girlfriend was with me and she was mad. Really? Nothing to be mad at.

[Sean]

She was a. Yeah.

[Matt]

She was nasty.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Well, although I'd be furious if a dude showed his dick to my girlfriend.

[Sean]

I guess the equivalent for a dude would just be butt cheeks. Yeah. If he just showed his butt cheeks.

[Matt]

Butt cheeks.

[Sean]

I'd be pretty peeved. Yeah.

[Matt]

But if it was a hideous butt, you'd go, kick him on the ass. Kick his ass.

[Guest]

Dude.

[Sean]

If someone presented their hideous ass to my wife. Yeah. That'd be really mixed feelings about that.

[Matt]

You'd laugh. That'd be a good time.

[Sean]

I don't know. I might be upset. If I was walking and it was just a big hairy butt presented to my wife, I'd be like, sir. I might get a little resentful and be like, sir, we're talking an Arab butt. An air butt. Yeah.

[Matt]

Full beard, Scarab beetle.

[Sean]

A scuttlebutt talking about a guard dog butt.

[Matt]

Talk about red long hair.

[Shane]

There's nothing wrong with James's beard sticking.

[Matt]

Out of his cheeks.

[Shane]

There's nothing wrong with having a big, red, hairy butt.

[Matt]

You got Clifford.

[Sean]

There's nothing wrong with. Nothing wrong with having it. But if I. If it just got.

[Matt]

But you can't show it, dude.

[Shane]

No, I keep it discreet.

[Sean]

Yeah. Keep it tough.

[Matt]

You got a hairy butt.

[Shane]

You know, I suppose not. Globally. But I. It's more hairy than it used to be.

[Matt]

Yeah, it gets hairier. Yeah, we've talked about that. You don't touch those hairs.

[Shane]

Why not?

[Matt]

Yeah, they've been growing.

[Shane]

I'm not getting it waxed. No, I'm not having any maintenance.

[Sean]

So what was it? At first, just like, ball hair that moved up, and now you're getting ash cheek, little bowl hair. Yeah, yeah. You hit the ball head, you get the tuft. I get the tuft up here.

[Shane]

It's the shaft here that I want to know.

[Sean]

Top of the crack. Like a butt. Yeah. Like a rabbit tail. A little tuft.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sean]

My dad always called an ass hair extension. My. I have a pretty hairless butt, though. My, my.

[Matt]

Like, we've been blessed with Irish DNA.

[Sean]

True. We do have a hairless Irish butts. We're like those cats. Like, those cats with no hair.

[Matt]

Yeah, but.

[Sean]

Yeah, no, I had a lady. I didn't kick a lady out. I felt terrible. It's like an older lady, she wouldn't stop talking, and I had to be like, all right, dude. Like, for real, you have to go. And I always give a lot of chances. And I eventually was like, dude, you're pissing everyone off. You got to go. And she was like, acting like, I don't give a. I'm like, all right, we'll just beat it. Then she was like, I'm a pillar of my community. Started tearing up, and I was like, instantly, I fold. I go, oh, never mind, ma', am. You can stay. And then they're like. The bouncer's like, now, fuck it, we're getting her out of here. And her husband tried to stay, and I kicked him out and said, get out of here, you fucking piece of shit. Get out of here.

[Matt]

No way. I always encourage the male. The male to stay. Yeah.

[Sean]

But that lady couldn't be out there by herself. She was gonna cause problems. I'm like, get out there, bro. That's your problem. Go deal with it.

[Matt]

Let her cause problems.

[Shane]

Sean was on stage this week, and I removed a man from the room.

[Sean]

Did you?

[Shane]

It was a very drunk child. He seemed very young. He might have been of age, but he. And he was drunk before he got there, but it was at the Velveeta Room. And Sean, he had been very chatty during my set, and then he was saying bizarre things to you. He didn't like you at all. So I took him out and he.

[Matt]

You have that effect on people.

[Shane]

Fronted up.

[Guest]

Yeah, I'm not very likable.

[Shane]

He Was getting ready to fight.

[Sean]

He puffed his butt hairs at you?

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. He gave me a little. He didn't do like a fake. I'm hit. Yeah.

[Matt]

But he did.

[Shane]

He made himself large. He was. Is it squabbling up?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

He started to bristle.

[Sean]

What'd you do? How'd you get him out?

[Shane]

I said. I asked the audience to give him a round of applause. I thought that would soften the blow. And I said, we gotta come on.

[Sean]

Personally kicked him out.

[Shane]

Yeah. No one else was. Someone else was running the bar, and then it was me. I had to.

[Sean]

And he left.

[Matt]

What was he saying to you?

[Guest]

He kept calling me a.

[Matt]

And saying, this is a problem.

[Shane]

He's.

[Guest]

Yeah, calling me a. Yeah, he kept calling me a. And he was just mad.

[Sean]

I don't.

[Guest]

I couldn't even really guess why.

[Shane]

The woman he was with was very upset.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest]

I think that's. I think I kind of went too hard at that.

[Sean]

Well, dude, there's a lot of young guys. Mean. But I was like, a lot of guys on coke at the shows. I've noticed. I was saying hi to people after the show.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah. You want to do some blow? No, thanks.

[Sean]

Yeah. I don't even get asked, but you look at these dudes and you're like, damn, bro, you're gacked out. You catch the, like, the white ring around the nostrils.

[Shane]

It's like, no. I was with you in Pittsburgh where a guy wanted to do.

[Sean]

Yeah. Blah.

[Shane]

He was very upfront about it.

[Sean]

Yeah. Yeah. You get that?

[Shane]

You. We were very discreet. You said, thank you so much. Right now.

[Matt]

I'm not joking. I get offered Coke at 90% of the bars I go to. Every time. Every time someone goes, yo, yo, come on, man, it's a blow.

[Sean]

Come on, man. Such a funny way to do it.

[Matt]

I'm not even doing shots. Enjoying a couple brus. Come on, now. No cocaine.

[Sean]

Take it easy, boys.

[Matt]

You know, once in a blue moon, I'll go, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see what happens. And then, yes, severe depression kicks in. Yeah, it's good stuff.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's. That's the.

[Matt]

It's really all it does.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It makes you pretty sick. You're fun. You're having a good time for a minute and then just sad.

[Sean]

Yeah. Sounds fun. That sounds not fun.

[Matt]

It's not that.

[Sean]

Sean's got off of it. He had a bad problem with it.

[Matt]

Sean had a real issue with it. So every other week, he was like, did some coke.

[Sean]

Glad he's cleaned up his act.

[Matt]

I Was really time to clean it up. What would your mommy and daddy say? They'd be devastated. Another little Sean was down here snorting up lines like he's Scarface, thinking he's a tough guy around town. Someone's gonna show them this. No one's gonna show them this.

[Guest]

Someone. Someone.

[Matt]

Well, you beat the habit.

[Shane]

They're gonna be proud of you.

[Matt]

They're gonna say, our sons are recovering. They're gonna give you. Yeah.

[Guest]

There's moles out there in my family, friends and just circles that tell my parents everything.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Guest]

That's said about them.

[Sean]

That stinks.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sean]

My dad gets reports whenever I say anything about my mommy. Daddy, I love you. Whenever I say anything gay involving my dad, it'll eventually, like two months later, he'll be like, heard you're saying a bunch of weird stuff. You talking about? I heard about some weird. You were saying. I'm like, I don't. What are you talking about? And I'll have to go back. I'm like, oh, yeah, my bad.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

They all.

[Matt]

They all listen. And then you go, please stop listening. It's like, I miss you. It's the only time I get to hear your voice goes dead. It's a classic, mister.

[Sean]

That was nice.

[Matt]

It's Comedy 101.

[Sean]

I saw that. That was nice.

[Matt]

I was like, grandma.

[Sean]

That was good stuff right there.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day, Matt. But on prize picks, being right can get you paid, baby.

[Sean]

Don't forget, Prize picks is also available in 40 plus states including Tex, Texas, California and Georgia. Make sure to check it out. Download the app and get your basketball picks in today.

[Matt]

With the basketball season starting, some players have been looking real scary on the court. Please riff about any players and picks you might take. O. I like VJ Edgecomb's been very fun to watch.

[Sean]

Yeah, I can see that.

[Matt]

He's a young. He's a young fellow on the. On the Philadelphia 76ers and I like watching him. I would like to pick him.

[Sean]

Oh, I. I'd like to pick Anthony Edwards. That's. I would go with him. Yeah.

[Matt]

I'm feeling spooky today, so I'm going to mix that basketball pick with a football pick. That's spooky. That makes sense. Let's go with K. Oh, they wanted me to say Cam Scaboo. He's been a menace, but he got severely injured this past week, so.

[Shane]

Oh, no, sorry.

[Matt]

So they were wrong.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah, I got to take that back. H. So who would you go with instead of Cam sp.

[Matt]

Matt, you've missed your line, dude.

[Sean]

Yeah, these picks are spooky as I would say a giant skeleton. The ten foot skeletons.

[Matt]

Those pics are scary as ten foot skeletons.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Download the prize picks app today and use code drenched to get 50 in lineups. After your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineups. If you play your first $5 lineup price picks.

[Sean]

It's good to be right.

[Matt]

Take it away, Matt.

[Sean]

Guys, here's where you can see me perform live. I'll be off the Hook Comedy club in Naples, Florida. 11 7, 11 8. That's going to be fun. Comedy on state Madison, Wisconsin. I believe the. I believe Friday sold out. We'll see but 1114, 1115, come to that. And then the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. 1219, 12, 20 guys, please come. Then. I have a. I'm gonna announce a larger tour very soon, so.

[Matt]

Oh, that's exciting.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

November 7th, I'll be in San Francisco. November 8th, they'll be in Sacramento. Come on y', all, please.

[Shane]

November 1st and 2nd, I'll be in Buffalo. November 5th, Oklahoma City. And then the next night Tulsa. Then Huntsville, Nashville and Washington D.C. and then I sleep.

[Guest]

Please come to Optimum Noctis November 4th, please.

[Matt]

Optimum Noctis November 4th in the cave.

[Guest]

Thank you very much.

[Matt]

Thank you.

[Guest]

Happy Halloween.

[Sean]

Oh, yeah, Creek in the Cave too.

[Matt]

I'll be Halloween tomorrow. Very spooky laugh, Sean. Yeah, Halloween night. I just want to. JS J Found out this week, fully activated.

[Shane]

I was talking to an LSU fan. Is it lsu? The Louisiana.

[Sean]

LSU just lost, didn't they?

[Shane]

They did lost and they fired their coach and they paid him $54 million. But I found out about what the. The music they would play.

[Matt]

Suck that tiger dick.

[Shane]

Suck that. They bring out a tiger and a hundred thousand people scream, suck that tiger dick, bitch. It's very catchy. It's a good song. But it's. I didn't. The variance of the. I mean, at Notre Dame, they lift people up and they take a little child and they lift it up and down and say, well, Notre Dame's a, you know, good family friendly school.

[Matt]

But yeah, this isn't fucking Louisiana.

[Shane]

That tiger dick bitch. It's very catchy. And they banned it. And then I found out Lamar. What's his name? Odell. Odell Beckham.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

There was a he. The man who used to play for them, he went and conducted the band and paid the fine because he was so. He wanted to hear them scream.

[Matt]

McAfee did it at game day.

[Shane]

I did.

[Matt]

Pretty fun.

[Shane]

All he did was sing the opening nights. Yeah.

[Matt]

He knew people took over.

[Shane]

He knew what would happen.

[Matt]

But no, their coach they fire was Brian Kelly.

[Shane]

Yes. Who used to be Notre Dame's coach.

[Matt]

Notre Dame, man.

[Sean]

What?

[Shane]

And now he has $54 million.

[Matt]

I'm gonna go somewhere else where I can compete and to win a national title, and I can't do no dang. And he went to lsu and he stunk. He.

[Sean]

The bed. Yeah. Didn't they. I just saw him lose terribly. The game was on this weekend.

[Matt]

You know what you'd like? They have. The governor of Louisiana gave, like, a press conference about it. It's. I had no idea he sounded the way he does. He's got full Creole. Does he really like what we need to do here? Find a new coach. Now money's going from the people to the incredible.

[Shane]

C.J. it's C.J. lander, who's a big LSU fan, and he told me about Coach O.

[Matt]

Actually, I think the governor's name is Landry.

[Shane]

Well, I'm sure there are. He's part of the noble French families of that state. But this Coach O wants to come back. I love this.

[Sean]

Who's that? Real jacked up.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

You sure? Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

He's got the Creole as well.

[Sean]

We need him.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Go to a press conference here.

[Matt]

But he was. I think he was laying with women, which was.

[Shane]

I saw the photo.

[Matt]

Which is pretty awesome.

[Shane]

Students.

[Matt]

Some students. Turns out a lot of those SEC coaches. I've heard rumblings.

[Shane]

Oh, no.

[Matt]

That they're not afraid to kiss some of the students.

[Sean]

Really?

[Matt]

Some of the Southern bells.

[Sean]

It's tough.

[Matt]

Allegedly. Actually.

[Sean]

What's. Also because, like, there, I could see them being like, babe, I'm on the road. It's like, we live there. You're kissing the girls where we live. You're like. Well, okay, now that you bring that up, I guess you had a point there.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Kiss the coach.

[Matt]

I'm not accusing anybody, but Lane Kiffin took a very interesting photo.

[Sean]

Let me see.

[Matt]

He took. He took some hot yoga on campus, I believe.

[Sean]

Yeah. They got to bring those guys to Guantanamo, bro. I've. Look, I've done hot yoga before, and I've never had good intentions. I'll be honest.

[Matt]

No, of course.

[Sean]

Perving. The entire time I needed someone to put a sack over my head and.

[Matt]

Dragged it out on Instagram, bruh. That's a real bad one.

[Sean]

Yeah. Yeah, man. I mean, it's. Yeah. Been there. Good Lord, I've been down. It doesn't. Down that horny path before a lot. It's funny in the class, too. They will say, guys, I'll be like, everyone, eyes forward. And you're just like, oh, my bad.

[Shane]

They say that in the class?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

No accusations to the kiff man, obviously.

[Sean]

Obviously not. Honestly, we got our eye on you right now.

[Matt]

Posting the yoga pic.

[Sean]

Is someone post.

[Matt]

He posted that, Bruh. Thirst, I believe he posted that.

[Sean]

Damn.

[Matt]

He's got a tight body, though.

[Sean]

Yeah, he's shredded. He shredded. Definitely. What? I guess he'd be ectomorph, I believe. No, perhaps it's probably an ectomorph. I had a guess. Or maybe Endo, I forget.

[Matt]

But a bit of an otter.

[Sean]

I'm on. I'm on a. I'm on a powerlifting journey right now.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Sean]

Yeah, I've been beefing with my wife. I really think my tea is getting raised from power. Powerlifting.

[Matt]

Oh, good.

[Sean]

She's been like, dude, what the.

[Matt]

She's been more angry.

[Sean]

She's been getting. Yeah, I've been.

[Matt]

Dude, I've been laying down the wall.

[Sean]

Laying down the wall. She's really. She's pissed at me as we speak. She. I was. I don't even know what was going on. I was just like. I was asking her to order UberEats for me on the, like, when we were coming back, and I was like, dude, get this. And they. There's like an option they couldn't do to customize. And she's like, I already ordered it. Because I was like, that I'll just go to Sprouts and grab food. She already ordered it. And I looked at her phone and she had hit buy, but you got to hit, like, two more things. And I was like, you're lying. You didn't buy it.

[Matt]

You can hit back.

[Sean]

She was like, why are you saying I'm lying? I was like, I don't know. But, yeah, I'm jacked out.

[Matt]

Maybe that's where your dream came from.

[Sean]

Ice cream.

[Matt]

Just a. Yeah. A woman just giving you whatever treats you wanted.

[Sean]

No, you know what? It's. Now, meanwhile, you're struggling with grubhub.

[Matt]

You know.

[Sean]

Could be. Although there is a thing called ice cream matching, which you eat ice cream to, like, bowl. Could be that too.

[Shane]

I've been doing that.

[Matt]

Yeah. Now that you mentioned getting down to.

[Shane]

The ice cream parlor. Really lovely waffle cons down there. It's a good walk with the children. And then you have a little. You have a little Ice cream stuff with kids.

[Sean]

Because you're like, let's get you guys a treat.

[Matt]

We'll get you guys anytime I'm home. My nieces, nephews, I'm like, dude, you guys want to go to dairy queen? Let's go.

[Shane]

I. I've only been to dairy queen once and I didn't realize that they did that for everybody. The. The milkshake. I just thought it was an incredible display of faith in the product. But they all do this. I can't think of another fast food place where they give you a little show on the way out the door.

[Sean]

Blizzards are nice too. Yeah, blizzards rule with blizzards.

[Shane]

Did you see the man who went to get a mcflurry and they told him the mixing machine was broken.

[Sean]

They're always broken.

[Shane]

But then he sneaks back there and he uses the mixing machine and goes, all right. Is it broken? No. No.

[Sean]

That's got to be staged. How the did you get back? Actually, you could probably get past.

[Shane]

You just walk. Right. Because no one's at the counter anymore. Because it's all the screens.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Guest]

Videos of the people jumping through the drive through window.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Guest]

That's a good trend lately. They jump back there and they play loud music and they just dance with all the fast food employees.

[Shane]

Do you have the trend here where people were buying soft serve ice creams and then throwing them through the window?

[Matt]

Fire in the hole.

[Sean]

That was old school, dude.

[Matt]

My friends participated in that.

[Shane]

It's not right.

[Matt]

It's not right. Actually, I did not participate. But they took my mom's car and I got in trouble for it.

[Sean]

Did it fire?

[Matt]

Because they do have cameras and they go, there's the license plate. Send the cops to his house. Mom. It wasn't me. They took my car. Sounds like 20.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That was.

[Sean]

I don't think we ever did a fire in the hole. There could have been one. I don't know.

[Matt]

But yeah. You get a. The biggest soda you can get.

[Sean]

Yep.

[Matt]

Like a 68 ounce coke.

[Sean]

It after. After CKY came out. It must have happened.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

It's really like an epidemic for sure. So mean.

[Matt]

CKY hit the. Throwing a body off a bridge under car to cars.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That's insane.

[Sean]

Yeah. That's really dangerous.

[Matt]

Yeah. They would just make a dummy throw it over a bridge so it would hit a car when it was coming by and cky bama jersey.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Sean]

It was like their. Their early video of their stunts. Shopping cart, you know, like. Like rolling.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It was awesome.

[Sean]

I used to throw golf balls in the highway.

[Matt]

That's fun.

[Sean]

That's not a good one. That's a bad one.

[Matt]

That's a real bad one. But it's fun when you're a kid. It's fun. Snowballs was the best.

[Sean]

Snowballs.

[Matt]

We've covered it, I think, a million times, but unbelievable. Hitting cars with snowballs.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Rules.

[Sean]

So fun to get out and chase you and you gotta run away. It is funny because I know a couple people have gotten tackled and got. I witnessed a guy getting his ass kicked, but I was. I was in the car as the adult, and this guy got out and was like that. And we just chased this kid down. Just push his face in the snow, made him cry.

[Matt]

Nice.

[Sean]

Yeah, it was pretty.

[Shane]

How much are you allowed to retaliate against a child? Because you got to be able to do something.

[Sean]

You. I've watched a guy kick their ass. I think you can kick a kid's ass.

[Matt]

Wash them, you know.

[Shane]

You know when there's, like, a gang of children and you. If I get into a fight with this gang of children, I think some of them are 14.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

If I win the fight, I look very bad or if I even do any damage in the fight, if they beat me up. That's much.

[Matt]

Just body. Body. You got to just go to the body the whole time.

[Sean]

Yeah, it was on. It was on site. When I was, like, growing up, we would, like, walk down the street and, like, older kids would drive by, call us names. If we, like, threw something at their car, they'd pop the doors and chase you down. They'll beat your ass. So I think there's something good about that. Yeah. Especially if, like, young punks. If they're, like, young punks doing stuff, and you go. You can get out of the car, I think, and just whoop their ass. Yeah. It's good.

[Matt]

Their parents will probably side with you.

[Sean]

Back then for sure.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Now, I don't know.

[Matt]

Now they're pressing Charles.

[Sean]

Yeah. If you whoop the young punk's ass now, I think you'd. Yeah. Their mom would be all up in your face.

[Matt]

I was. I was looking into Curtis Sliwa, who did. The guy running for mayor in New York.

[Sean]

Yes. Yeah.

[Matt]

He might be one of the funniest people alive.

[Sean]

I didn't. I didn't.

[Matt]

Breakfast Club interview yesterday.

[Sean]

What?

[Matt]

He rules.

[Sean]

I didn't know he did the Breakfast Club. Yeah.

[Matt]

He's awesome on it. He also. He kind of makes you want to vote for him.

[Sean]

Really?

[Matt]

Yeah. He's pretty. He's hilarious. He got shot By. He was talking on the Gotti's. He had, like, an AM radio show where he would just be like. He would talk about the mob in New York. Like, it was sports. He would, like, cover it. He would just name everybody. He'd be like, this is the guy. This is the restaurant they blew up. Yeah, this is what they're doing. Like, he just. He knew everything. And so one day, Gotti sent a bunch of guys with baseball bats to his house, and they beat him. They beat him with bats, dude. Then he kept doing it. So they had a guy pretend to be a cab driver, wait outside his house, pick him up, and turn around and shoot him. He got shot five times and jumped out of the cab. According to him, out of the window of the cab. This guy rules.

[Sean]

Yeah. He's a man. And I know he's running.

[Matt]

Here's the thing that tops it off. He was a night manager at a McDonald's in the Bronx. Unbelievable. You talk about fire in the hole. Yeah, that's fucking. That might be the worst job I've ever heard.

[Sean]

It's unbelievable.

[Matt]

And so that's where. So he founded the Guardian Angels because they had, like. They started defunding police back then. I think it was the 70s or 80s. So there was no cops on the subways at night. So everyone in the Bronx was just getting really up. So his night shift crew and him, Mickey D's workers, what, after they clocked out, would ride the subway trains and people up that were out of line. Dude, they rule. He rules. What's the rules?

[Sean]

Yeah, I mean, that's. I mean, dude, the bat attack is hilarious.

[Matt]

And he loves animals that he hates kill shelters. He's like, that's one of my platforms. We're shutting that down.

[Sean]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Matt]

He's adopted 17 cats. I think it's.

[Shane]

It's a lot of cats.

[Sean]

A lot of cats, dude. Yeah.

[Shane]

Doesn't deserve him. They won't get behind. They won't rally around this great man.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's kind of bullshit.

[Matt]

But he's going to. It's going to cost Cuomo the election because he won't drop out.

[Sean]

Cuomo is. No way. Cuomo will win anyway.

[Matt]

If he dropped out, there'd be a chance.

[Sean]

You think?

[Matt]

Yeah, because I think most of the people that would vote he sleep was running as a Republican.

[Sean]

Yeah, I got you.

[Matt]

Most of them would side with Cuomo over.

[Sean]

Yeah, my mom. I think Mom. Dummy. Probably will win.

[Matt]

Yeah, definitely.

[Sean]

I don't. I don't.

[Matt]

It's got all the celebs backing them.

[Sean]

Dude, I know. I. I didn't like, man, I. I.

[Matt]

Think it's cool when comedians support politicians publicly.

[Sean]

Yeah, I just think he's a crybaby, dude. It's a crybaby. I saw him crybaby and I was.

[Matt]

Like, what was he? Crybaby? Oh, 9 11.

[Sean]

911 Crybaby. I'm like, man, I just like, dude, we have problems. I get it. That must have sucked at the time. But also, like, bro, way to make 911 all about you, man. Like, I just don't like that it's 20 years ago, man. You got stuffed in a locker, cuz, you know, people didn't understand the difference in the Middle East. I don't know.

[Matt]

I mean, that'd be.

[Sean]

Yeah, I get it. It wasn't my dad. My dad had the terrorist hunting permit on his bumper for a while, But I didn't bully any Indian kids after 9 11. A lot. A lot of Indian guys love to cry about post 9 11. It's like, dude, we were all hurting, all right?

[Shane]

I had one difficult post 911 moment at school.

[Sean]

What happened to you?

[Shane]

I mean, we're all finding out about what Islam was at the same time. There hadn't been a real cause to know about it. And I think my mom said, you know, she was trying to do a nice thing, but she didn't really. She said something like, you know, it's not all Muslims. But she didn't know the word for it. The Muslims who were. So she said, there's, you know, there's the good Muslims and there's the Allah Muslims. She was just associating. She was going, the Allah Muslims. And there was a Muslim girl at our school. I said to her, you're a Muslim or one of these Allah Muslims? She goes, no, we love Allah. At that point I was like, I can't believe this girl is allowed to be here with us. She's an Allah Muslim, everybody.

[Sean]

Did you.

[Shane]

I just. I was shocked. And I let her know, I don't think that's good. I would have been in this, you know, year seven, year six, I was 12, 11, eight.

[Matt]

Yeah, well, that's important. I've never even thought of you as.

[Sean]

A young boy before. That's so fun to think about.

[Matt]

It's just. It's this.

[Shane]

This is a more relaxed version. Yeah.

[Sean]

Oh, you one of those Allah Muslims? Yes. I love Allah.

[Shane]

Get her out of here. She seemed like a safety problem.

[Sean]

Yeah. That was the one thing, though. When I saw him hitting that it was like, bro, come on, man. Hit me with some city plans. Don't hit me with 20 years ago.

[Shane]

I look forward to seeing his grocery store. Actually, the. The thing I didn't realize they wanted to shut down gifted and talented programs at public schools.

[Sean]

That's crazy.

[Shane]

That's one of his policies. You have a school. You have a poor school full of poor kids. You get one kid who's like, I like reading and I'm good at maths. And so you just. You have one teacher at these schools usually who can go, all right, you're the only one who wants a future. We're gonna try and give it to you. Yeah, and they're gonna shut it down. That's his plan. I mean, this is.

[Sean]

Because I guess he's not. Yeah, he's probably gonna give it to, like, free lunch program instead.

[Shane]

I mean.

[Sean]

What a fart. Is it excitement? Fart. Free lunch.

[Matt]

Free lunch. Bombarded off the free lunch.

[Sean]

What the hell was that? That was nothing.

[Matt]

Lamar, you definitely love mom, dude.

[Sean]

I don't know.

[Matt]

I just.

[Shane]

I don't like him.

[Matt]

You don't like him?

[Sean]

No. What the hell?

[Matt]

He's out of nowhere.

[Shane]

He's from Uganda.

[Matt]

He's out of nowhere. He's just random.

[Sean]

Good call.

[Matt]

He's out of nowhere. I don't like him. He's super new. He's man new. So. He's too new. Why?

[Sean]

He's green.

[Matt]

He's just too new, you know? Yeah, he's green.

[Sean]

He's green.

[Matt]

Sleep. I hit him with it on the. In the debate. Sleep was dominating the debate, dude. Yeah, they. I only heard, like, he was like, you could write down all of Mandami's accomplishments on a single napkin. You could write. You couldn't write down all of Cuomo's failures if you had the entire New York Public Library, everyone was like, oh, because everyone hates Cuomo. So Slee was kind of like, Slee was not going to win. So he's kind of everybody's boy. Everyone's like, dude.

[Sean]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Matt]

Honestly, I don't know anything.

[Sean]

No, the.

[Matt]

The Anything about it.

[Sean]

Public grocery store. I'll be interested to see how that works out. Cuz I'm not inherently against it. I just want to see if it works. I know they've tried this a bunch of times, and I feel like it's kind of ended disastrously. But I'm curious to see if you can get the, like, because I don't know what that would do to, like, you know, a private Grocery store. If you're just like, yeah, we got apples for 47.

[Shane]

I mean you just have the one affordable butter.

[Matt]

I'm sure there's. There's got to be a requirement to be able to get access to the free grocery store.

[Sean]

True.

[Matt]

Which will probably just be snap. Which is. Isn't that already.

[Shane]

It's winding up.

[Matt]

I don't know anything about it.

[Shane]

Government is still shut down.

[Sean]

Still shut down. You talking about the Democrat shutdown?

[Shane]

Yes.

[Sean]

Every day Trump's working so hard during the government. The Democrat shut down.

[Matt]

Japan gave him some golf clubs. He's fired up.

[Sean]

I got it. I saw one of the White House things they put out. I think they did like an everyday I'm hustling thing, which is Trump walking around the halls.

[Matt]

They really need.

[Sean]

During the government.

[Matt]

They really need to stop making hype videos. The ice hype videos bother me so much.

[Sean]

Yeah, well, it's just funny too like if say like, you know, you're from the shutdown to just like all of a sudden get like a cool song with Trump walking through the hallway and be like, never mind, we got this. This is sick.

[Matt]

Yeah, never mind.

[Sean]

It's so tight.

[Matt]

I don't need to eat in November.

[Sean]

But yeah, public grocery store. I'll be curious.

[Matt]

One of the. One of the elections for. Isn't that. Wouldn't that be November? Oh, could be a good move for the Dems to keep the shutdown going.

[Sean]

Yeah. I mean, whatever it takes.

[Shane]

I can't go to a sweet national parks.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. It's a run out.

[Sean]

I think you can definitely go during the election.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think they run out in November. It's a good move to keep.

[Shane]

They're not staffed.

[Matt]

Keep those clothes and get people out.

[Sean]

Starve the poor.

[Matt]

Starve the poor.

[Sean]

Get them out.

[Matt]

Get them out the vote. They need to stop the violence and vote.

[Sean]

Yeah, true. Dang. That'd be crazy if it really was like that level of tactics where it's like we're going to start hitting like medieval French. It truly probably is just starve, get some people, some people hanging.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Because I was angry the hangry populace would be.

[Matt]

I think Democrats are honestly voting for the shutdown.

[Sean]

That's weird, man.

[Matt]

I think a few of them are to make sure it's still going. I could be wrong because I don't think the Republicans have enough votes to keep the shutdown going. I mean, dude, it does require a few Democrats to vote. Whatever. I don't.

[Shane]

Again, the Republicans are voting to pass it you need 60 is my understanding.

[Sean]

Well, yeah, what I've seen is that there.

[Matt]

I don't know any.

[Sean]

Well, I think the pubs were like, yo, let's. There's a bill they're trying to do. And the Dems are like, no, we need, you know, we need to fire the. All that. I think the stuff they took out from Doge, they're like, fire that shit back up. So I don't fucking know either. But if, if, if that is the case, or it's some classic, like, let the people get a little hungry, I don't know. That'd be pretty fucked.

[Shane]

I think air traffic controllers are gonna have to start working for free.

[Sean]

Really?

[Shane]

That was. I think that was the next step.

[Sean]

No, it's not good.

[Shane]

That's a bit of a difficulty.

[Sean]

I'm guessing it'd be like a big iou. I guess they'd get their money, which.

[Shane]

Is a big lump sum.

[Sean]

Well, good luck to everybody dealing with the government shutdown.

[Matt]

Is the government shutdown still costing us flyovers? That's the real thing. I'm not worried about the hungry. The 40 million people, they'll figure it out. Not getting food.

[Sean]

But it is flyovers.

[Matt]

I need flyovers.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's. That's.

[Matt]

And I also. I need, I need war with Venezuela. Those are the things I need.

[Sean]

Yeah, we're thinking, dude, I remember I said we're going to go to war with the cartels. That's not Venezuela. But they're talking like cartel wars.

[Matt]

They're blowing up boats saying, those are cartel boats.

[Sean]

Yeah, man, that's. That's coming. Yeah, I, I knew that was down the pike, man.

[Matt]

You're saying you called it.

[Sean]

I called it.

[Matt]

When?

[Sean]

Dude, like a year ago. I was like, we're gonna go to war with the cartels.

[Matt]

I think he did that a year ago. I think he named them terrorists.

[Sean]

Really?

[Matt]

Like, yeah, Well, I guess it would have been this administration because my, My.

[Sean]

My prediction was that that way the United States can control the opioid production and then legalize heroin here and then cure homelessness opioid crisis by handing out basically government controlled heroin. So it's like they're gonna have. They're gonna attack the, you know, all the people down in Mexico doing the cartels, and they're going to take over the supply and just be like, look, let's just like legalize this and control it.

[Matt]

You want to legalize it?

[Sean]

They don't legalize. Legalize the crocodile, man. You need the.

[Matt]

Charlie. Charlie Sheen. The homeless start slowly. You Know, making it less potent. Yeah, they don't respond well to that. They usually.

[Sean]

Yeah, I mean it's also, there's no way it's getting less potent. They have, they have something stronger than fentanyl now. Yeah, the new thing that's like 50 times stronger than fentanyl, which was like 50 times stronger than heroin. So, yeah, they're, they're still rocking. They're rocking in the free world for sure. They really are.

[Shane]

Keep on imagine getting to the point where heroin not enough. I just, I mean, heroin seems what heroin is the easygoing, relaxed one now it's just heroin.

[Sean]

Yeah, I think heroin's like, yeah, I guess it's not enough. I guess it's more of a gentleman's drug now. Well, there was also people say when you have things illegal and you crank the pressure up in terms of like, you know, you go, you get so much jail time for heroin. So then it incentivizes making things stronger in smaller doses so you can sneak less of it but get more bang for your buck. So I think as long as it's illegal, they're going to keep ramping that up.

[Shane]

I've been watching Singapore video, Lee Kuan Yew, I think was his name, but the Singapore Prime Minister for like he ran a one party state in Singapore for a long time. And people were saying you've got to stop executing people who come to the country with drugs. How many families are lost to these drugs? How many people are killed because we don't kill. He was a hard man.

[Matt]

You love that.

[Shane]

Why? I, I don't approve. A strong man. I've been in trouble for this before. I don't know what it is that comes out of me. I, every time I see a strong, charismatic man say bold steps have to be taken.

[Sean]

I think I like that Trump is getting into that now where he's talking about like killing drug traffickers. He's like, we'll kill him, he'll be dead. It's just he's getting into that.

[Matt]

He mentioned that a while ago.

[Sean]

Yeah, he did that recently too.

[Matt]

Bringing it back.

[Sean]

Yeah, he brought it back. Yeah. Because that guy. Yeah, that one guy gets to do it all the time where he's just like, we, they just started killing all like the drug traffickers. Duterte, whatever the, his name is. Duterte, I don't know.

[Shane]

He's gone now though.

[Sean]

Is he out? But yeah, Trump's talking, he wants to get in on that action, but he wants the bold man, like kill him.

[Matt]

He's been Bombing some boats. Have you seen that?

[Sean]

No. The cartel video.

[Matt]

It's just drone striking.

[Sean]

Any.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Is. I didn't know Venezuela was a big cartel hub as well.

[Matt]

I don't know. Colombia is.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Border it, I think.

[Sean]

And then I guess. Yeah.

[Matt]

But no, it's. It's all. I think it's an excuse for some reason to go to war with Venezuela. Fucking. What's his name? Who's the gay guy from South Carolina? Lindsey Graham was just calling for it.

[Sean]

Really? Yeah.

[Matt]

They really want. I think our fleet is going to Venezuela right now.

[Sean]

Oh, crap. What the hell that would be.

[Matt]

They better not.

[Sean]

It's not good, you know. Yeah. We don't need to be stoking.

[Matt]

Would we fight them for.

[Sean]

Yeah. Especially with all China and Russia then buddying up.

[Shane]

If Israel has come down, you've got, you know, another war somewhere. You can't just have one war going.

[Sean]

Yeah. Is Israel done? I thought that was still. There's still some stuff going on with that.

[Shane]

So we're winding that up.

[Matt]

I think Israel's not afraid to break a ceasefire.

[Sean]

Yeah. I think they're still fired up. Yeah.

[Matt]

I don't think either side is really afraid of break a ceasefire down there.

[Sean]

True. They're having.

[Matt]

They're. They're living in the free world. They're.

[Sean]

Hopefully maybe Israel will send us aid if we get. If, you know, all the benefits get taken away. Maybe Israel send some aid here. That'd be nice.

[Shane]

I did just find out.

[Sean]

They did.

[Shane]

They didn't get involved in Iraq.

[Sean]

Who?

[Shane]

I thought Israel would have sent troops to Iraq with you. Israel does not send troops to any American war.

[Sean]

Well, they're busy. They're all used up.

[Shane]

They are busy. They've got a lot on.

[Sean]

But yeah.

[Matt]

The one thing I like that the IDF does is they post or just Israel. They post like hot chicks.

[Sean]

Oh.

[Shane]

The hot. The fine.

[Matt]

And they're like, I'm Jewish. What do you have to say about me?

[Sean]

It was like, the hell? What the is that all about?

[Shane]

You've never seen the hot idf.

[Sean]

But I know they're going, that's that. I thought it'd be like, join the idf. Like, check out our video.

[Matt]

A little bit of that. But they're also like, I'm Israeli. Do you hate me? It's just the hottest chick you've ever seen.

[Sean]

It's like, no.

[Matt]

Yeah, well, no, I love you.

[Sean]

Yeah. Clearly they're not.

[Matt]

No, they had to come.

[Shane]

You're not doing the wrong thing.

[Sean]

Yeah. That's also weird to be on the offensive. As a military. You know what I mean? Like, our United States military is not like, what are you, racist? And just show like a jacked black guy. It's like, I think they did do.

[Matt]

That for a little while.

[Shane]

If you've seen.

[Matt]

Yeah. 2020, they were hitting some wild.

[Sean]

That's crazy. I never. I would never. It's weird as a military to be, like, obsessed with, like, would you guys mad at me? It's like, dude, do your job.

[Matt]

Honestly. They're posting hot chicks and be like, are you still mad? And you're like, no, come here, come here. I forgive you, idf. Let's keep posting babes. Did you find some?

[Guest]

Seems like they're pivoting a little. At least on Instagram.

[Sean]

No more babes.

[Guest]

Couldn't find many babes. It's more just like a other stuff.

[Sean]

Like what? Tanks videos are being like, that video you saw of a baby getting its head ripped off is fake. Yeah, yeah, I know. They'd hit those videos.

[Matt]

It's literally like.

[Guest]

It's just like soldiers.

[Matt]

They post, like.

[Guest]

Yeah, I'm not.

[Sean]

Yeah, that's crazy, man. What the hell is that all about, dude?

[Matt]

They're so hot.

[Sean]

Dude, he found the babes in two seconds.

[Matt]

All you have to do is Google hot idea female soldiers. I was looking.

[Sean]

Oh, you're looking. Looking for the official.

[Guest]

I was looking on Instagram, but I have seen the babes. They were doing tik tok dances for a while.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Guest]

In their fatigues.

[Sean]

It is funny to be like, kind of coming to some sort of, like, babes are.

[Matt]

That's a good move.

[Sean]

It's a good brainwash.

[Matt]

That's good. Good propaganda.

[Sean]

Yeah. Because I stay out of things and you're like, you know what? A lot of people are.

[Matt]

I don't want to get involved in this politically.

[Guest]

Cash Patel is married to one, isn't.

[Sean]

He an IDF babe?

[Guest]

Pretty sure.

[Sean]

I think.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Sean]

What?

[Guest]

That's their strongest weapon is their babes.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Guest]

One of them, at least.

[Matt]

They do use babes sometimes underage and then they film you.

[Sean]

Gotcha. True. Gotcha.

[Shane]

All right.

[Matt]

That's a good ender onto the Patreon Giants.

[Sean]

Bye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

[Matt]

Do it.