Ep 587 - PHIL (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O'Connor)

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast – Ep 587: PHIL (feat. Steve Gerben & Chris O’Connor)

Release Date: November 26, 2025
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guests: Steve Gerben & Chris O’Connor, plus “Phil” (Shane’s dad)
Theme: A hilarious, meandering Thanksgiving hang with stories from childhood, sports, family, single life, and awkward encounters—plus travel, local color, and reflections on fame and aging.

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Episode Overview

This episode is an extended hang with the regular crew and special guest “Phil” (Shane’s dad), joined by Steve Gerben and Chris O’Connor. The guys recount chaotic family stories, reflect on growing up, coaching, dating, the rituals of the holiday season, and the oddities of sudden fame. It’s a warm, chaotic, and frequently laugh-out-loud funny snapshot of their lives and relationships, with the classic Matt & Shane blend of heartfelt absurdity and raunchy silliness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Chatter & Thanksgiving Vibes

• Show starts with chaotic greetings, poking fun at Phil’s nerves on the mic ([00:00]-[01:22]).
• The group laments old coffee and bizarre food habits; playful roasting of each other’s quirks.
• Missed plans to dress up as Pilgrims and Indians for Thanksgiving ([01:44]), with a dry acknowledgment: “I was fully against it, but then I realized, Phil, you wear a pilgrim.”

2. Phil’s Bombing Pedigree & Golf Stories

• Phil is credited with teaching Shane and the crew how to “bomb” confidently in comedy ([02:03]).
• Long stories about scrambling at a golf tournament with Billy, who swings “so hard, and the results are never any good” ([02:37]), and comedic retellings of on-course mishaps.
• The “Ride of the Valkyries” played during golf cart pursuits—a classic antic ([03:45]).

3. Family Press Conferences, Cats, and Childhood Trauma

• Joke about Phil’s “press conference” on girls’ basketball coaching, then a wild tangent about his dad killing a bunch of cats in rural Pennsylvania ([08:10]).
• Memorable quote: “My dad put them in a box… put them in the creek and they went down over the dam. Three hours later, five or six came walking back.” — Phil ([08:41])
• Further details: Horse accidentally stepping on kittens and a Shetland pony sold for stepping on a cat.

4. Small-Town Life and Animal Antics

• Recollections of a rural childhood: having too many cats, a Shetland pony, a steer named Sambo (butchered), and improvised family rides ([09:47]).
• Jokes about DUI laws extending to bikes, walking, and even riding a Shetland pony-drawn cart ([11:36]).

5. Coaching, Humility, and Championship Rings

• Phil humbly discusses his success coaching girls’ basketball—“it’s all the kids and the head coach” ([07:05]).
• The crew jokes about being the #1 women’s 6A basketball podcast ([07:58]).

6. Closing the Pool & Suburban Dad Fails

• Phil describes botching the pool-closing process, thinking a submersible pump was working (“It’s just going right into the pool the whole time, Phil!”) ([13:02]).
• A memorable physical comedy moment: Phil falling into the pool tarp during a thunderstorm ([13:52]).

7. Single Life & Dating App Woes

• Steve details dating app experiences (then vs. now): “I was on the apps, I don’t know, six years ago. And nothing… absolutely nobody would call me. Now at least I’m getting dates.” — Steve ([21:25])
• Extended riff on the difficulties men face on apps; mostly “nothing.” Hilarious mourning of self-esteem after “zero for 24 hours.”
• Discussion of face-to-face dating vs. FaceTime, and Steve’s new hobby: line dancing at a local bar ([22:54]).

8. Family Dynamics and Generational Gaps

• How Phil and Joan (Shane’s mom) met—old school, grade school story, dates with her twin sister ([18:26]).
• Phil’s battle with his in-laws' schnauzer, Otto (“At the end, he became blind... I would shut the pocket door and just hear his face hitting the door... I would just sit in there and laugh” [19:37]).

9. The Pressures and Oddities of Moderate Fame

• Both Steve and Shane reflect on being “hot chicks” for a night, i.e., being mobbed by fans at the bar ([34:43]).
• “Once they get to a level of intoxication, they just, like, don’t leave you.” — Steve ([33:40])
• Shane on graciousness with fans: “What are you, a psycho? Somebody comes up and they’re like a big fan… Of course, yeah.” ([38:09])

10. Drinking, Guilt, and Aging Bodies

• Real talk about the toll of heavy drinking, weekends lost, and waking up with “a dead arm.”
• On relapsing into drinking post-surgery: “I didn’t have a drink for over a hundred and some days… Things change. It’s football season.” — Phil ([41:00])
• Riffing on late-night cravings: “This guy would order a thousand Big Macs, eat four of them in one sitting.” — Shane ([61:29])

11. Awkward Childhood and Family Anecdotes

• “Pervert phone call” story—turns out to be a neighbor kid with asthma ([62:12]).
• Growing up with embarrassing stories of puberty, puffy nipples, and self-draining them with a needle ([68:14]).

12. Sports Careers Ending in Humiliation

• Painful recollections of last moments in sports: giving up sacks (“my last game of my senior year”), turnovers, or not making teams and growing late ([91:24], [94:00]).
• “That’s how sports ends, though. You don’t end on top. You got humiliated and that’s it.” — Shane ([93:28])

13. Strange Positions in Sports & Cultural Stereotypes

• Why lacrosse goalies, MLB pitchers, and hockey goalies are the “weird guys” of their sports ([89:01]).
• Running jokes about Canadians, Native Americans, and odd mentalities in sports ([84:46], [85:00], [89:02]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He would chase you, and you’d have to run. Sambo had horns.” — Phil, on livestock growing up ([10:23])
• “I was so tiny, my friends had a no jump rule against me when we played basketball.” — Steve ([64:49])
• “Lovemaking is like a story unfolding.” — Steve, referencing the book Come As You Are, with the gang mercilessly mocking his “sex book”/red light “moves” ([47:33])
• “Your dad eats pussy, ass up, dude!” — Shane to Steve, during a very uncomfortable riff as Phil listens in ([45:21])
• “That’s the spectrum.” — Shane, summing up the range from sober to hungover to tipsy, and futility in fighting it ([41:29])
• “I think that’s a little freak in there… you like that? You think that’s sexy?” — Shane, teasing Steve over his line dancing and lighting choices ([46:56])
• “You can get a DUI on a bike, you can get it walking.” — Phil ([11:36])
• “It’s only the holiday season, we’re probably not going to be drinking that much and not depressed at all.” — Shane, sarcastically ([74:13])
• “If I wore [a Power Ranger suit] with confidence… but there’s no way I could.” — Shane ([87:49])
• “I’m putting out some short stories, a lot of haiku—and I’m done.” — Shane, about his own “lovemaking style” ([47:43])

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:00] — Phil teaches the art of “bombing” on stage.
• [08:10] — Press conference bit shifts to cat-overpopulation horror stories.
• [13:02] — Phil’s epic pool-shutting disaster.
• [18:26] — The saga of Phil, Joan, and the twin sister.
• [21:25] — Steve’s dating app misery and eventual “success.”
• [22:54] — Steve gets deeply into line dancing and cowboy boots.
• [34:43] — What it’s like being a “hot chick” at the bar (i.e., being recognized/followed as a semi-celeb).
• [41:00] — Phil opens up about his dry streak from booze, followed by relapse.
• [61:29] — Late-night food tirades—Matt and Chris’s “grub club” tales.
• [62:12] — The pervert-caller asthma girl reveal.
• [91:24] — Chris recounts fumbling in a crucial college lacrosse game.
• [94:00] — Steve’s massive post-high school growth spurt story.
• [96:00] — Hilarious medical exam for “testicle size” as a predictor of height.

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Tone & Language

The episode is loose, irreverent, and frequently veers into the absurd or crass, but the warmth among the crew is unmistakable—classic “funniest podcast” matinee. Family members join in, boundaries are pushed (especially with sex talk and childhood humiliations), but it’s all underpinned by genuine affection and sharp, observational humor. Shane in particular navigates between being the instigator and protective son, while the guests fit seamlessly into the mix.

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For Listeners Who Missed It…

This episode is a hilarious, scattershot mash of Thanksgiving family chaos, sports, getting older, rural childhood, and the strange dignity of small-town life. It’s full of memorable one-liners, awkward but loving family moments, and the kind of honesty that only comes out when everyone’s a little too comfortable together. Perfect pre-Thanksgiving listening for fans of unfiltered, rambling, but always engaging group hangs.

(Skip the ads and jump into the stories—ideally with a few drinks and your own dysfunctional crew.)

Transcript

[A]

Wow. Wow. Wes, darling. You send me.

[B]

Check, check.

[A]

I know you.

[C]

Oh, off to a terrible. Yeah, you're nervous. No, you're singing. You're nervous. Catch your breath. You all right?

[A]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're rocking.

[C]

And I mean, this. This is it. Recording.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm already mad. This coffee is three hours old. It's from Westchester. He doesn't. This is what he does.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

We'll go to a bar, whole order wings. We'll eat three wings, and then have a plate of wings in front of him for three more hours until the game's over. And then they come by and they go, do you want us to take this? And he's like, yeah, insane.

[B]

A lot of times. I'll finish it. This was a situation. I was my. My lady.

[C]

Even this, it's like a coffee. Takes two sips and then brings it to Harrisburg. Well, someone brings it to Mechanicsburg.

[B]

Someone got me the coffee.

[C]

Just drink the coffee.

[B]

I wasn't ready for it.

[C]

Phil, how are you? We're here live with Phil. Phil, you got talking to the mic.

[A]

I'm doing great.

[C]

I knew you'd get nervous when that light came on.

[A]

I didn't even see the light.

[C]

Some guys aren't built for this. You. Yeah, some are. Podcasting's tough.

[A]

It is tough. I've seen it.

[C]

It's hard work.

[A]

I don't know how you guys do. I don't know how you do it.

[C]

Yeah, well, you're sitting next to the. The mayor of Westchester.

[A]

I know.

[C]

The king.

[A]

I'm honored.

[E]

You're not.

[B]

Did you wind up bringing the hats? Did you have hats?

[E]

Well, I forgot them.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

We were going to dress up like Pilgrims and Indians for Thanksgiving. It was Steve.

[E]

It was.

[C]

I agree. I agree. I was fully against it, but then I realized, Phil, weari pilgrim.

[A]

What do you do for Easter?

[C]

That's where I got bombing from.

[A]

Bunny outfits.

[C]

People ask me how I got my comedy. Phil taught me how to bomb regularly. But you can walk through a bomb.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

That's like one of your. You tell a bad joke and just go, he's hilarious. He is.

[E]

Yeah. What was the line that he had when we were in the golf tournament with Billy where he was saying. Billy was like, it's because you were talking in my backswing.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And Billy's backswing's really quick.

[B]

Billy.

[E]

Billy goes.

[B]

You're talking to my backswing film. Phil goes. I'd have to be a fucking auctioneer.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

He swings so hard. And the results are Never any good.

[C]

Yeah, he's new. He's new to golf.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

When he connects, he kills it. But we're not sure where it's going, Right?

[E]

Yeah. Well, he's jacked.

[A]

Of course, the first. The first couple holes, Gervies didn't know we were playing a scramble. So all of a sudden he'd go up and play his ball, and then we'd all drive up and he's like looking at us like, what are you hitting from here for? This is my shot. Of course, we didn't have to hit after he hit because it was always right on the green.

[C]

Yeah, he's a very good golfer. He took the. He took the game very seriously. A couple cart bumps at the end sent him packing.

[E]

I hate cart bumps.

[C]

O' Connor was in there with you, just going. Don't. Don't do it. Don't let him. He got out. He got out of the cart. You saw it. I just turned straight for him.

[E]

Oh, yeah. I asked him out of the car.

[C]

I can't do is get out of the car.

[B]

We were also. We were starting to find it at the end.

[C]

It was hole 18. Yeah.

[B]

And we were.

[C]

And it was crunch time. And that's when I found.

[B]

Was perfect.

[E]

Just a nightmare.

[B]

No. When the Ride of the Valkyries started.

[E]

Playing, I think it was around 60.

[C]

Valkyries playing on the Bluetooth, chasing Gerbies.

[A]

You had who D?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Good. I might have been by myself at that point. Or o' Leary could have been in there. Regardless. Yeah.

[B]

Six hours into a round of golf, just trying to finish strong. You came in well, rattled the guy.

[C]

I'm sorry about that, Steve. I didn't know. I felt bad when you were very upset.

[E]

It's perfectly fine.

[C]

All right. My mom noticed.

[E]

Your mom noticed?

[C]

Yeah, she was like, hey, aren't you gonna come say hello to all the people here? And you're like, nope, I have to go. No.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

No, that's not really for me.

[E]

Well, it's the killers. It's the killer style, you guys. Nobody can leave every time you try and go. Just.

[B]

Well, just.

[E]

What do you just.

[C]

Why don't you have one more.

[E]

Yeah, exactly. It's like you just gotta leave. And then the next day, go. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I left. Your mom was on me on Instagram message because she was like, promise you'll come.

[C]

DM'd you. What the.

[E]

Yeah, we DM sometimes.

[C]

Your wife's in his DMS.

[A]

How do you do that.

[E]

Well, how do I do?

[A]

How do you do?

[C]

You know how to dm You? DM me? You send me.

[A]

Is that what that's called?

[C]

Yeah. Like a direct message. Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

All right.

[C]

I'm doing those Instagram reels. It's very nice.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What kind of stuff is he sending?

[C]

It was like drinking Instagram reels, which was really funny. But then he'll clearly be drunk and send me, like, an inspirational one.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Which is nice.

[A]

Keep you on track.

[C]

That's how. Yeah, we don't really talk much. I just get a drunk DM from my dad. That's like Michael Jordan highlights.

[B]

That'll get you.

[C]

I tossed those out this weekend.

[B]

Yeah, you were hitting me with.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, you got to find inspiration during dark times.

[B]

Since 4am the bar's closed.

[C]

It.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

This episode is brought to you by Monster Ultra. Everyone knows the white Monster.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

That clean white can, zero sugar, crisp. It's everywhere lately. Gyms, airports, studios, you name it, you name it. People toss it in their bags before training or on a long drive.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

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[C]

Yes. All right.

[D]

But Chain Ultra doesn't stop there. There's a whole lineup now. Vice, Guava, Blue Hawaiian, and the new Wild Passion. Wild Passion, if you're loyal to the white can. Cool. Just know you've got Options. Visit Monster Energy.com to learn more.

[C]

I will visit Monster Energy.com to learn more. But, Phil, what's going on, man?

[A]

Just starting our basketball season right now.

[C]

I think you're going to get fired.

[A]

No, I can't get fired. I'm a volunteer. I can't get fired. Other people have to go before they're all these.

[C]

Come on, man. You're going to fire that? No, I mean, too many rings.

[A]

Yeah. There's a lot of stuff up there that we've too many championships.

[D]

Hardware.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

What's that? Five gold medals up there?

[A]

Well, two with Trinity, three with. No, I got three with Cumberland Valley and one with Trinity. As far as state titles, that's again, just coaching, helping coach kids. Believe me, it's all the. It's all the kids and the head coach.

[C]

I mean, just coach speak. You're just a humble guy.

[A]

I am humble.

[C]

I want everyone to know, behind closed doors, this guy's a menace. When the mic's off, he's going, those would be nothing without me. Yeah, right.

[A]

Right now, it takes good kids to win. For sure. They make you look smart.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, what's the hope for this year, do you think? You got a championship.

[A]

Well, we've. No, we're gonna. We're gonna say that we're gonna. We're gonna have to work for everything.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, got a great group of girls, but we, you know, there was a couple kids that were going to come out that played for us, and now we're going to stick with another sport. So they're not going to play basketball, and that hurts us a little bit. But the kids that we have, we're gonna.

[C]

All right, guys.

[A]

And they're great.

[B]

This is good stuff.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Well, I'm sure we got a lot of 6A girls B ball fans.

[A]

Now.

[C]

We're the number one women's 6A basketball podcast.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

District 3 girls press conference.

[D]

Sure, Phil.

[C]

Now, what do you say those people that found out your dad killed a bunch of cats.

[A]

What kind of question is that?

[C]

So what do you. What do the Costa Ricans think about this? We can't handle a press conference.

[A]

Yeah. So to answer his question about cats, when I was growing up, we lived out in a rural area and talk.

[C]

To Steve and us, we.

[A]

We had, you know, we had a few cats and they all got pregnant at the same time. So we had.

[C]

What'd you do?

[A]

Like 25 kittens running around, and it was just too many. And my dad put them in a box, a cardboard box, and put them on the. In the creek and they went down over the dam. And about three hours later, about five or six of them came walking back and he said, okay, you can stay. The other ones never made it back or they said, we're not going back. You know, even though they. Surprise. They survived the. The creek and the dam, but.

[B]

Yeah, just got the five dumbest kittens.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Let's go back. Maybe he'll do it again. Yeah, but did you say there was like. They were like, getting. The horse was stepping on him and.

[A]

Well, the horse stepped on one kitten and one time I started the lawnmower and the kitten crawled under the lawnmower while I went to get gas because it was hot in the summer and he thought that was the nice shade place. I didn't know he was under there. I started the lawnmower.

[C]

Dad getting rid of him was. It was time. They were everywhere.

[A]

They were.

[C]

They were a lot of cats. Just 30 cats.

[A]

We had a lot of cats. We had dogs. We. Shetland pony.

[C]

Oh, nice. I didn't know you had a Shetland pony. Yeah.

[E]

What is a Shetland pony?

[C]

It's a little adorable.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

What happened there? Oh, God. What happened there?

[B]

We sold him Stepped on a cat.

[A]

Sold him for stepping on the cat.

[C]

We sold the Shetland. Things got tough.

[E]

Things are tough.

[C]

You gotta sell a Shetland pony, right?

[A]

Oh, we had a steer named Sambo and we had him butchered. Sambo. He was butchered?

[C]

Butchered it, yeah. How old were you? Did you like all these animals?

[A]

Not Sambo, because he would chase. He had horns. He would chase you and you'd have to run and. Yeah, but the horse or the. The Shetland pony was fine. Dusty was fine.

[C]

Dusty, that's.

[B]

What do you get for a Shetland pony?

[A]

I have no idea.

[C]

Back then, 10 bucks.

[A]

I don't know. It wasn't much.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

What do you do with it?

[A]

Well, we had a cart and, like, a trotter.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[A]

And it would. Yeah, we would. He would take rides with it on Sundays and stuff. There was no traffic on the road back then.

[C]

Now you would ride a Shetland pony in a cart.

[A]

Like a trotter.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's insane.

[E]

That's fun.

[A]

It was fun.

[C]

All right. It's fun.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, I thought I put blinkers on.

[A]

Them or the blinders, whatever they're called. And we just get down the road and. And go about a mile and then come back.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. Well, that's fun. I thought you were, like, literally using it as transportation. No, it's crazy.

[E]

Go kart.

[C]

Yeah, that's fun.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. I take it back. That rules. I wish I had a Shetland pony. That'd be nice. Yeah.

[B]

Just go out for a Sunday drive.

[C]

I need. I'd need a team. I need the Clydesdales.

[B]

Yeah, you'd have to get, like, the spike. Like the Roman spike coming off the cart, too.

[C]

That'd be a nice DUI on the back of a shell. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Can you get a DUI in the cart?

[C]

Yeah. I feel like the Amish, good DUIs all the time.

[A]

You can get him on a bike. You can get it walking. You can get a dui.

[C]

Yeah, well. Well, trust me, if he's dodging it.

[A]

All right, well, they must not have.

[C]

Been out if they haven't got him yet.

[B]

That's just drunk in public, right? You can. You can walk drunk.

[A]

I think you can present danger to other people while you're out there, besides stumbling in public.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, well, that's. You guys. You get a little bit bigger than me.

[C]

No, I've seen.

[B]

I'm not a danger.

[C]

You're definitely a threat.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

He starts running and.

[B]

But I'm safer running than walking.

[E]

Where are you running?

[B]

He's Home as fast as possible.

[C]

What is he running from? That's the real question. Yeah. 3 8am when you're like, I need to get out of here and sprint. Something's going on.

[B]

When you. When you know you got a kind of a long trip and you're. And you're full. Stumble, bum, you speed it up.

[C]

I do understand. Moving quicker when you're that drunk helps. I do know what you mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You want, like, the shortest amount of time out in public.

[C]

Nothing worse than stumbling. Yeah.

[B]

When you can't stop a stumble.

[C]

Yeah, that's tough.

[B]

Speed it up.

[C]

Anyway, Phil, what else you got for us? This is your big debut. People have been really clamoring for this.

[A]

Yeah, I know they are. I don't know. Just getting ready for the holidays here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Just closed the pool, realized I screwed that up. Submersible pump. I stuck it on top of, you know, the. The enclosure that they put over the pool. And the guy came out yesterday to close the spa down, and he said, did. Did you put that submersible pump on top of the. The netting there, like? And I said, well, yeah. He said, well, the water goes right through. You've got to put the submersible pump underneath that on the step. I didn't know that. I thought, man, this thing's really working. I never saw any water on top there. Phil here, it's just going right into the pool the whole time.

[C]

You got to get a podcast, man. This is top fucking shit.

[B]

Wait, how come you're shutting the spa down? You got to keep the spa open for. Yeah, keep the spa for the winter.

[A]

I kept it open for an extra month. And Joan got in at one time.

[C]

Remember when you got drunk and fell onto the tarp? You were sober.

[A]

I was. I was.

[D]

No.

[A]

But I wasn't drunk, right? No. What happened is the pavers weren't down far enough, and I leaned in to put the submersible pump, and the pavers lifted up, and I went right into the tarp. And I thought, oh, my God, this is a weird way to die. I'm just going to get engulfed with this whole thing, and Joan won't even know I'm missing for a couple days. But fortunately, I crawled out.

[C]

I had to crawl out, but fortunately, I crawled out. Yep. You had to go back into soaking wet.

[A]

It was in the middle of a thunderstorm.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. But I made it.

[C]

Yeah. I got the phone call immediately. My mom called me. It was like, Phil fell in the pool. Idiot. And he was like, I did not the damn pavers off. He was mad.

[B]

You got to get some cameras out there in the yard.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just in case. Yeah, that's. That's great footage.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, we need that.

[C]

That would have been incredible. So you got that going on?

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Yeah. Gerbies. How about you? You're. You're. What are you up to?

[E]

Well, you know, we're writing season three.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

And then personally, you know, single life now and trying to find special someone.

[C]

It's kind of a nightmare, but feels.

[B]

A lot like being on the pool table.

[D]

I'm.

[C]

Uncle Frank's here.

[B]

All right.

[C]

My dad's brother. All right, Uncle Frank, get in here. We're doing a podcast. Get the hell. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to see you. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, go say hi to her. Can we pause?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. Take a quick break. Sure. Well, I don't want to ruin your career.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[D]

This episode is brought to you by Aura Frames. The part, the best part of the holidays, aside from the great fooding the gifts, because be honest, we all love a good gift.

[C]

Love. A good gift is getting to spend time with everyone. Getting to spend time with everyone.

[D]

I love.

[C]

I love spending time with you. And I want this, our time together to be so special.

[D]

True dude. Holiday season.

[C]

The way I make you feel special dude.

[D]

Around the holidays.

[C]

An aura frame. I sent Matt an aura frame stocked with photos of he and I. That's awesome. And you know the perfect gift this year that could be for you to share those moments. Give the gifts of togetherness with OR frames. It's a digital picture frame that can hold those memories and get. Make them come alive again. I'd like to come alive.

[D]

I would love that. You can add as many photos or short videos as you want. All you need is your app and a wi fi connection.

[C]

Dang.

[D]

So as you keep making memories, you can add to the frame. You know what I'd add?

[C]

What's that?

[D]

This memory right now.

[C]

A picture of this.

[D]

Yeah. Of us doing an ad read. Take a picture and put it up there going.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Just be just a drop in the sea of many memories that we have.

[C]

Yes. The high resolution photos. You know what makes me the most hard is the high resolution photos look like real prints and they really help you relive the moment. And you can try interacting with the photo right there. So you know you can get any photos you want on there.

[D]

Brief message like congrats.

[C]

When all they want for Christmas is you and everyone together. Give them aura frames for a limited Time. My God. Let's get a picture of that. Oh, my God. For a limited time, visit our frames.com and get $45 of our best selling Carver Matte frames. Name number one by Wirecutter. That's huge. By using promo code MSSP at checkout. That's a URA frames.com promo code MSSP. This exclusive black Friday, Black Friday, Cyber Monday deal is their best of the year, so order it now before it ends. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout.

[D]

Terms and conditions apply. I don't think he got out of that.

[C]

Yeah. All right. Hey, we're back on the air. Hey, we're back.

[B]

All right.

[C]

All right.

[D]

Let's get.

[B]

Let's.

[C]

Phil, let's get a little. Let's get a little energy.

[A]

Sure, I got it.

[C]

All right. Remember the mic? You gotta talk to the mic. Yeah. What's going on, gang? I don't know.

[E]

Well, I'm back in the. The dating scene. We were talking about that. Any good dating advice?

[A]

You look at me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Christ. I've been married for 46 years.

[E]

How'd you and Joan meet?

[A]

In grade school. Sixth grade. She moved in from New Jersey, and I was, you know, just started talking with her. We became good friends and actually dated her twin sister for a while.

[E]

No way. How'd you make the switch?

[C]

Sounds like a small town. Yeah, the old Indy.

[A]

Just wanted to check things out a little bit. You have to have something to compare it to, you know. But that didn't happen till later, like 8th or 9th grade.

[E]

Did you ever see the Seinfeld episode about the switch? No, it's the roommate switch. So how. You're dating one roommate, you want to get to the other one. Oh, and so there's a whole menage trois. I mean, obviously this wouldn't work in this scenario.

[C]

Jesus Christ.

[E]

No, I'm just saying, you know. So you broke up with her, then later got with.

[A]

With Joan?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Or she. I think she broke up with me.

[C]

But anyhow, what the hell?

[A]

Their mom was a good cook. They had steak every, like, Sunday. So I'd get down there and eat and sort of became part of the family.

[C]

Shetland down the street.

[A]

But they had this dog, this little schnauzer. And I hated that dog. His name was Otto. And whenever I walked in that room, it would just come up and start biting my feet. And they, they. They would put, like, me in, like, sort of a staging area, like a waiting area for them to come down the steps or whatever. And I would hear that dog's Toenails running towards me. And then at the end, he became blind. So as he's getting real close, I would shut the pocket door and just hear his face hitting the door. And it was just. I. I would just sit in there and laugh. I thought it was great because that dog tormented me for years. And finally at the end, I got back to him.

[C]

Yeah. There you go.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yep. That's good stuff. Yeah. So you guys started dating in sixth grade?

[A]

No. No, that's when I met.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Your mother in sixth grade.

[B]

Were you in the friend zone for a while?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

How do you.

[B]

How do you get out of the friend.

[A]

You get married. That's how you get out of it.

[C]

Then you're done being friends. Now you don't even. Yeah.

[A]

Really? That's how you get out of it. No, I'm just kidding about that to some degree.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So German. Is that good advice?

[E]

No, not applicable.

[C]

I wouldn't say it's bad advice. You don't want to hurt a blind dog. That's Phil's advice. What are your advice for dating? I used to. With this dog. All right.

[E]

Yeah. So.

[C]

No, but you're out there. You're on the apps.

[E]

I'm on an app.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And.

[E]

Yeah, It's.

[C]

It's going well for you.

[E]

It's going well in as far as. I get dates now.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Which is the really sad and upsetting thing about this. It's like, I was on the apps, I don't know, six years ago.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

And nothing.

[A]

Nothing was dry.

[E]

Absolutely nobody would call me.

[C]

Well, now they know you're funny. That's the tough part about it. When you look like us, you get on a dating app.

[E]

Yeah, it's just immediate.

[C]

Oh, my God. Right? I tried. I tried a dating app for, like, 24 hours once. It was the most depressing.

[E]

Crushes yourself.

[C]

Because I downloaded. Because I was going through a breakup, and I was like, I'm. I'll fucking. I'll show her zero for 24 hours. Fuck.

[E]

I. I don't think a lot of women understand that that's men's experience on dating sites, which is zero.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Like, I had a friend, she was like, all the guys on here are weird. I'm like, all the. All try zero girls.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's way worse.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I got somebody DMing me. Like, I'll show you my dick.

[A]

You.

[E]

You.

[C]

That's at least something you get. So you feel something getting a reaction. Yeah, this is. You get on there. You look like us. You get on A dating app. It's nothing.

[E]

No.

[C]

So then you get picky, which is very funny. You're getting zero, and you're sitting there going, yeah, right. Yeah, right. You go, oh, a 10. She's gonna like me, right? Yeah, she's not.

[E]

So now at least I'm getting dates. So I'm out there and, you know, getting to take people out and.

[C]

And you're getting into line dancing.

[E]

Yeah, I'm getting into line dancing. I'm really into that. There's a place by us. Should I. No, I shouldn't.

[C]

Well, it doesn't matter.

[E]

Why is that?

[C]

Go ahead. I'm not gonna do it. They're gonna be there now.

[E]

Who?

[C]

The weird guys.

[B]

They're there anyway.

[C]

The weird guys are gonna be there waiting for you to line this.

[B]

They're already there. They've always been there.

[C]

All right, that's on you.

[E]

Well, then we'll keep the name out of it. Even though.

[C]

Yeah. It's gonna be tough to find. It's gonna be real hard to find a line.

[E]

This is a great play. Everybody there is so nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

The bartenders are great, the bouncers, and. And, you know, they're big fans of tires, so they're all coming, like, showing me how to do moves.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Which also, for the record, I have nothing but support for the weird guys.

[E]

Of course, I don't want you to. Yeah, no, no.

[C]

Nothing but support for the weird guys. But we're weird.

[E]

Yeah. So I got cowboy boots.

[B]

I. I just went all in.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

And. Yeah.

[C]

I just want you to know how much this sucks.

[E]

I know you hate it.

[C]

I actually don't hate it as much as you think. I don't like that you're practicing line dancing in the office at tires.

[E]

So that did happen. That I was telling Joan that. Because I'm typically cold.

[C]

Of course, my mom loves it.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Because she.

[B]

That's so nice.

[E]

She's a good soul. And, like, you know, so typically, I run really cold. And the other day we were getting lunch, and Chris is all bundled up, and I was in a T shirt. I was like, why are you bundled up? And then I was like, oh, of course. Caught that the door was closed.

[C]

Why is your blood flowing?

[E]

What were you doing working on this move in the boot scoot boogie, where, like, you can kind of, when you make a turn, you hop up and click your heels.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

Which is. Which is what I really like about line dancing, which is the improvisational aspect of it.

[A]

Once you get down, you can be creative.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I Like that too.

[C]

You like the boot scooting boogie?

[E]

I love that one.

[C]

Yeah, that's fun.

[E]

Yeah. Cotton Eye Joe.

[C]

That's a good one. Great song.

[B]

But it's frowned upon by the line dancing community. Cotton Eye Joe.

[E]

Because it's so simple or.

[B]

Yeah, I think it's probably just. It's like hack, right?

[C]

I would imagine. Attack.

[B]

Yeah. Well, they probably have deep cuts in there. They're like, oh, this guy knows what he's doing.

[E]

Yeah, I suppose.

[C]

But you gotta come to Austin.

[B]

You got to start with Cotton Eye Joe.

[C]

It's all. That's all they're doing down there.

[E]

I. I've heard.

[C]

And get down there and cut a rug. Find a nice southern belle. Yeah, I would love this Texas babe. Yeah, she'll kiss you.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Phil, you don't know anything about this guy. He's a sexual.

[E]

Well, of course I'm a sexual pervert. But that's the thing that I also had to get over is like, you really are.

[C]

You were.

[E]

You're meant to kiss on the first date.

[C]

What do you mean?

[E]

That's like a thing that you. You sort of supposed to do on.

[C]

A. Hinged on a.

[E]

On a date. On a first date, you kiss. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Because if, like, if you're the guy, you don't go for that. It's kind of seen as like, lack of interest and lack of confidence. So that was something I had to get over.

[A]

So even if you had one you really didn't want to kiss, you'd still go through with it?

[E]

No, I probably wouldn't. But, you know, I go on these FaceTime dates beforehand.

[C]

This is the thing that bothers me.

[E]

I don't know why it bothers you.

[C]

I just.

[E]

I don't mean to yell at you that much right now.

[C]

That's totally fine. I get real sad about how the informality or like how. Or the formality of online dating. Yeah, it makes me sad that there's no, like, kismet. There's.

[E]

It's.

[C]

It's just like, okay. And then we FaceTime and we talk to each other, and then we say, I'd like to meet at this time and we'll see if we like each other. I don't know.

[B]

You got to do the FaceTime thing though, because otherwise you're going out. You're shelling out date money all over the place and call time with people. Rich as hell.

[E]

I. Dude boogies big shot, but he's.

[C]

Got a big belt buckle with diamonds on it.

[E]

I don't have a big bill do.

[A]

They have a private parking space for you or anything?

[E]

They do not have a private.

[A]

Say that around.

[E]

The FaceTime date works. Because then you very quickly can determine, is this person lying via their pictures? And then also do. Are they weird? And you just. So it just saves a whole bunch of like. I would hate to have to be on a date and instantly know you don't want to be there and then have to, like, have the full drink. I gotta go.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That sounds kind of fun, though.

[C]

Yeah, I'd love to be on just a horrendous date that I knew.

[B]

And then you exit.

[C]

I wouldn't. I'd fucking, you know, stick around. We're gonna be here till three. I know the bartenders. They're gonna stay open. We're gonna be here till one. When you try to get an Uber out of fucking. The Harrisburg comedy zone. Fuck. 45 minutes. We gotta stay. Yeah, that's. I don't. I don't envy the online dating.

[E]

It's not great. I do hope to. I mean, I should. I shouldn't say it's not great. Like, I've already met.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. But I would like to meet in person and I need to get a little more comfortable.

[C]

Where do you even do that?

[B]

That's line dance.

[E]

Line dancing? Maybe. Yeah.

[A]

Your country club.

[E]

Yep. Well, it's just all guys.

[C]

It's just all Jewish men.

[A]

Is it all Jewish men?

[E]

It's a Jewish. It was originally Jewish.

[A]

Mother, daughter interactions or anything like that.

[E]

I've had none of those.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, no, it's just.

[A]

Keep your eyes open.

[C]

They're out there. It's just Jewish men.

[B]

Is there a pool?

[E]

There's a pool.

[B]

That's where you eat the pool. You got to take a lap around the pool after one of your. After a round of golf.

[C]

A round of Jewish golf.

[E]

It's not Jewish now. They don't. It's just at the time.

[C]

Because there was a big Star David on the wall.

[E]

Was there or.

[C]

No, in the window. It was like a wreath. Well, for the pro shop.

[D]

Oh.

[C]

Which is great.

[E]

Yeah. I think. Well, they do all the.

[C]

I only saw a Star David.

[E]

Oh, they got a Christmas tree.

[C]

Well, they should understand the Christ is king.

[E]

But it is interesting because it started off as a Jewish only. So all the. Older Jewish only. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

God damn.

[E]

Because the. Because they couldn't get into the other ones in the area.

[A]

Yeah. So they had to start their own.

[E]

They started their own.

[A]

Sure. That's very common.

[C]

Yeah. And then.

[E]

Go ahead.

[C]

What do you got?

[B]

What do you got.

[C]

I got nothing.

[E]

All right.

[B]

Got something.

[E]

But the. So, yeah, it's just the older guys are all very Jewish.

[C]

Yeah. How can you tell?

[E]

Their voices.

[C]

What do they sound like? Oh, God. A bogey. Oh, Lord.

[B]

This club in my hands.

[C]

It hurts.

[A]

I'll take a six.

[C]

There you go. Phil, you're fired from your job. But it. It was time to retire anyway.

[A]

Getting there.

[C]

Yeah. It's good to go out. Getting fired at your age. Yeah, getting fired is funny. For an old man to get fired from his job for doing a Jewish impression on a podcast. It's fucking hilarious. I'll take a six. Phil, can we talk? We need you to come into the office. You're fired.

[E]

Yeah, but it's also extremely accurate.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Well, how about your Thanksgiving? You were talking a little bit about your. Some of your participants.

[E]

I don't want to throw anybody. Phil, you're not on here.

[C]

You're crazy on here now. You did. I mean, you can.

[E]

I'd prefer not.

[C]

Yeah, that's why I'm happy to throw.

[E]

Myself under the bus for anything.

[C]

No, no, no, no. That's. That's one.

[A]

Yeah, that should be off limits.

[C]

Hopefully we get some of that, though. I'd love some political fighting at Thanksgiving.

[A]

Well, we got the participants.

[C]

I'm down to do it. I love to do it. I love it. Yep. We'll get you going. And then we get both sides. We do have a nice mix.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

I like, though, but everyone drinks, so everyone really gets out of pocket at night.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

I had a nice battle with my. My uncle and my aunt one year. It was wonderful.

[E]

But it feels like everybody would be very communicative. Like, it wouldn't be passive aggressive. It would just be aggressive.

[C]

Well, it's just. Yeah, it's pretty aggressive.

[A]

What happened is this is Jones.

[C]

Okay. But again, they're going to hear that.

[A]

Well, they can hear it, but. But so she. She and Shane are going after each other on the. On the political stuff, you know, and all of a sudden, you know, this is after, like, three or four hours of drinking, and this is three or four hours after the Thanksgiving meal, and Shane is arguing with her, talking, and all of a sudden, he starts talking like Trump, and she's like a dog. Like, she turns her head, like she's trying to understand. Like, is this really Trump talking?

[E]

Like she's all screwed up.

[C]

Yeah, it was hilarious. It was hilarious.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

It was fun to argue with her as Trump while she was hammered on one.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, she was like, oh, Shut up. I'm Going to get a little quiet piggy at Thanksgiving. At the table. At the table. Quiet piggy. That'll be chaos.

[B]

You should gamify it. You should just have, like, little cards around the house.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Hot button issues.

[C]

Yeah, I'll find it myself. Oh, yeah. Ukraine, you love.

[B]

The bottom of every glass is just.

[C]

That'd be nice. Me and Chris got in, we had a nice political debate again. Same one.

[B]

Same one.

[C]

That's what we do. We go out, we hang out for hours, and then a fifth hour in we go. You. You suck. Just have a political debate about illegal immigration for four hours. Yeah. And we were with the other writers on the show on tires. And like, he, he was. I mean, I hate. I don't even want to say what you said to me. It was so hurtful. He. He's. He went low.

[B]

But you came back.

[C]

I went high.

[B]

You came back.

[C]

I went back with, I'll beat the out of you. Obviously I've never hit him and he knows that, but the people we're with were all like, oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What are these guys doing? You say some like that to me, I'll punch you in the mouth. Dude. The whole staff left.

[E]

Well, just a bunch of drunk guys are like, Shane.

[C]

Yeah, that's. That's been tough. Trying to have, like, heart to hearts with people.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Someone just comes. I was like, dude, what's up? What's up, man? I'm good. Yeah.

[B]

We also didn't even notice that they left. I feel like we were arguing for.

[C]

Like 20 minutes left. Losers. They don't want to have fun like us.

[E]

I was saying I. I truly think I understand what, like, hot women go through now. Given my daily experience, like, when we go out, I don't know how Shane takes it. Not that again.

[C]

It's not that they're all staring at my jokes.

[E]

It's not that I'm not, like, unbelievably grateful for people to be fans of the show and all that and want to meet and take pictures, but then once they get to a level of intoxication, they just, like, don't leave you.

[C]

Oh, you should have seen the squad we assembled at Ryan.

[E]

I'm sure.

[C]

And they're right here. We had a rough squad.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

It was a girl. Okay, so they're the, they're the ones that are like, this is a problem.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Like a guy, you can be like, dude, get the out of here.

[E]

Right.

[C]

If they're. If they're, like, hammered and being like, rude. This was a girl that was just like, kept taking her phone out and sticking in my face and just like, come on, make a. And I was like, you gotta stop. And then Chris kept taking her phone and dropping it in the other booth. And she's like, chris, stop, Stop.

[E]

That is.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

The women are sometimes the most aggressive. Like the one that was.

[B]

They love pretending they don't know what they're doing.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

You know?

[E]

But anyway, it's just something that I. You get that experience of like when I. When I was working out the gym, which I had to stop doing because just like, guys would come up.

[C]

Guys.

[E]

Yeah, we're in a conversation I can't get out of.

[A]

Yeah. You know, there you're equating that to being a hot chick.

[C]

And you go to a bar and having everybody.

[E]

Everybody in your face and whatever, but.

[C]

No hot chicks are. Yeah, they got it worse. It's a hundred percent the whole time.

[E]

Right.

[C]

Every. All the time outside of the bar.

[E]

Right.

[C]

Walking down the street and your friend's dad is going 13 and a guy's staring at your test.

[E]

Right.

[C]

That's. That's. Yeah, that's weird.

[E]

It's just a totally different reality.

[B]

The worst. If I don't get it that much, but if some. Like if I'm hungover as hell.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Unshowered. Stinky. Just trying to get. Grab a coffee. He's trying to slip it.

[D]

This episode is brought to you by my Montana knife company. Did you know there are a little over a hundred master bladesmiths in the world? No, I didn't because I'm not a virgin. Well, Josh Smith is one of the best and he's the founder of this company. Designed, tested and built by hunters. All of MKC's knives are manufactured in Montana. Like my personal favorite, the Speedgoat 2.0. It's ultralight and insanely sharp. They're a hunting knife company first and foremost. But MKC also makes some of the best chef knives on the planet. I use them all the time in my kitchen. Plus they're backed by a multi generational guarantee promise. Meaning you can send them back to be sharpened whenever you need, free of charge. Starting to think about Christmas gifts? Montana Knife company knives are the best presents out there. But don't wait until December to order. They sell out fast and always sell out before the holidays. So get yours now and give a gift that can be passed down for generations. Montana Knife Co. Working knives for working people. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Do you ever find yourself spending money on something totally insane? Slash overspending by accident. Or do you ever get the impulse to buy something just as soon as you see an ad for it? Or maybe you get the feeling that money is just disappearing out of your account and you're not sure how because of subscriptions you may have forgotten about. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. And if you've got something you'd like to save for, Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside and automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending.

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[C]

The business is like, hey, can we get a picture of you for our Instagram page? You're like, yeah, it. Yeah, just the worst. They have wall next time you're there. Dark red face.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh.

[E]

You'Re so gracious about it.

[C]

I don't know how people are not.

[B]

You have to be.

[D]

Right.

[C]

It's not that you have to be.

[A]

It's just.

[C]

What other. What are you, a psycho? Yeah. Somebody comes up and they're like a big fan of tires.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Can we get a picture? It's like, absolutely, of course. Yeah. It's awesome. You know, it's weird to me when people say no, but maybe. Maybe I'll get there.

[D]

I don't know.

[E]

I think.

[C]

I don't think I will. I don't.

[E]

I don't be there already.

[C]

I don't like. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Saying no would, like, ruin my night.

[C]

I'd feel so bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Anyway, Phil, how do you handle it? Because now you're a big man.

[E]

No.

[C]

Oh, yeah, you are. You're tossing out tickets left and right to all my shows. You really can't get rid of them. That's crazy to do that. And they'd be like, I know they're not selling today. You gave out six tickets to this.

[A]

I'm going to tonight.

[C]

I can't give tickets to my friends.

[A]

Your friends are already. They already know you're. They. They know what you're like. And senior and hang out with you. These are some other people that are nice people, and they went to buy tickets.

[C]

Talking to the mic. Talking to the mic. Yeah.

[A]

So they didn't have a chance to buy tickets. I mean, I guess it sold out real quick. And it's a small venue, and, yeah, you don't get near Mechanicsburg, Harrisburg too often anymore. So I said, I'll give Gracie a call and see what she could do.

[B]

Expanding the fan base.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He's not. He's giving out tickets to guys from the local bar. That's all he does. There's fucking five of these guys at every show. They're in my green room.

[E]

Yeah, I get.

[C]

I get done with the show and I go, those are the guys from Mechanicsburg.

[E]

But he's got to be able to do that. That's community stuff.

[C]

If it's a huge. If it's a big venue, I'm all for it.

[E]

Right.

[C]

Tonight's like a 150, 200 seats. Yeah. That's a lot.

[A]

I said. I said, put them in the back or have them stand. That's.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's what I said to Grace. Yeah, they just wanted to get in, you know.

[C]

Yeah. Well, that's all right. I. I appreciate what.

[B]

Do they get fired up getting into the show?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Do they get fired up when they.

[D]

Get into the show?

[C]

These friends, they don't give a.

[B]

They don't.

[C]

They come to the show, they go, yeah, it was good. No, they take all my beer. They like it, and they take all my beer and they go. That's how I knew you were back on the booze, by the way. Did I tell you that? I think it might have been Pittsburgh or something. Some of your boys from the bar were at the show, and I was. They were like, how's your dad doing? And I was like, he's good. He's. He'd lost a lot of weight. That's, you know, whatever. That's in the past now, but that was quick turnaround, dude. Yeah, you lost. You lost.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You went down. You fought middleweight for a day, for a week.

[A]

I was getting beat up, so I went back up.

[C]

But, no, I was like, it's good. He's. He's healthy and he's not drinking, which is great. And they were like. We were at the bar with him last night that.

[A]

No, I didn't. I didn't. I didn't have a drink for over a hundred and one hundred and some days.

[E]

Whoa.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

After my surgery, Right.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't even want to drink it. Nothing. But things change.

[C]

It's football season.

[A]

Yeah. Football season. Pretty soon it'll be NBA's coming on.

[C]

Yeah. You know, and then, you know, there's no sports on. Where the. What are we gonna watch?

[E]

That's my problem. Like, if I could take time off of it, I go, I don't even need this. And then I have it one night. And I go, why every single night now?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyhow, it's kind of a spectrum on this. That's the spectrum.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

We had a three game stretch.

[C]

Me and Chris had a nice road trip. Three days straight. Yeah, that was tough. I'm. Yeah, I'm regretting. I'm regretting this Tuesday night.

[B]

Oh, it was.

[C]

We're gonna have a couple drinks tonight, but Friday. Friday was wonderful. Saturday was wonderful.

[B]

Saturday was wonderful.

[C]

But Sunday was.

[A]

Sunday was the one you should have skipped.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Sunday was definitely one we should have skipped. And we knew from the start.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That it was exactly where it was gonna go. And we kept talking to ourselves, like, all right, we're not gonna drink. We're gonna just get lunch. Yeah. Then we leave. Lunch. And it's like, all right, let's go to the pub. We'll have two and watch the first half of the game.

[E]

Right.

[C]

Then I gotta leave. I gotta train the cat. Three beers and we go, oh, I'm starting to feel like myself again. Yeah. It was a good night, though.

[B]

For your. Yeah. For the dies cast.

[C]

For the dies. It's. It's out of our hands.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There's nothing we could do.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Well, that's kind of pathetic and sad, but it. What's not.

[B]

It was nice at the time.

[E]

It was great bringing people out to a show. I remember there was back. Back when I was doing Stand up, that I was opening for Paul Mooney. I was like the guy that opened for Paul Mooney at Helium, because that's crazy. Yeah.

[C]

And so funny.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. He's awesome.

[E]

He. He is.

[C]

He.

[E]

He's. Yeah, I would. He's not something I would, like, go back and listen to that much.

[C]

Yeah, you. Yeah, I'd like. I like his appearances, though, on, like, radio. And, like, he's just bothering people.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And it worked on me. The first couple of times I heard him, I was like, this fucking racist. Like, it worked on me. I was like, this guy fucking hates white people. And then you get older and you realize he's literally just fucking with people. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he didn't like white people, but it's funny.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, anyway, you were like me.

[E]

Enough to bring me back. Yeah. But so there was a hairdresser that I liked, so I had invited her.

[C]

Out to the Paul Mooney show.

[E]

Yeah. And I didn't know too much about him. And then she brought a guy, which was. And then he. I forget exactly what he screamed, but he like literally screamed during the show like, you're a racist. And then he got. Yeah. So it was like kind of a double whammy on me that night.

[C]

Yeah. Did you ever speak to her again?

[E]

I don't recall. It's been so long.

[C]

That does suck, though. You invited a girl to your show and she brought a guy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's. That's wrong.

[C]

Wrong. Yeah.

[E]

But I also did it all wrong. I mean, I should have. You know, I've tried to. Basically.

[C]

You're trying.

[E]

I've tried to be like, hang out with her for a while, you know, like, go get my hair cut for a year and then be like, oh, try to come to a show as opposed to just like, you gotta go right for it.

[C]

Yeah. It's funny when you start doing stand up, that is like, I was like, not excited to tell people, but I would drop that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[B]

That you're doing.

[C]

I can imagine getting a haircut from a cute girl and just being like, yeah, I got a show tonight. What do you do? It's like, I'm a stand up comedian. Not a big deal. She comes to the show. I just. Bomb.

[E]

Yeah, you gotta use it.

[C]

Yeah, it's hot.

[E]

If it goes well, it's hot. It's.

[C]

I hate the way you talk.

[B]

It's also.

[C]

It's also the only thing. He calls things sexy. He thinks I can't help.

[E]

That's my vernacular. I got you a lot of dissatisfied customers about that.

[C]

Stop with dissatisfied customers. He has a book about how to go down on women. Yeah, he reads it.

[A]

Why do you need instructions?

[C]

I don't want to be a part of this.

[E]

What do you mean?

[C]

Now, hold on. Enough. Let's not talk about it.

[B]

Hold on a second.

[C]

Hold on a second. Shut the fuck up. Your dad eats pussy. Your dad eats pussy. Ass up, dude. I don't know. Daddy's ass up for sure. I don't think so. I don't think so. Phil doesn't shut the up.

[B]

What the hell are you talking about? He would be like, who needs a book?

[C]

I bet he would. Any single Guy. Any single guy going, e. You read a book. The book. Now the worst is the red lighting.

[E]

Hold on a second.

[C]

Lighting. Phil, he changes his bedroom lighting to red.

[E]

Okay, hold on.

[C]

His phone, he goes, alexa, make it Chinatown.

[A]

Hold on.

[C]

Now.

[B]

That.

[C]

Fucking nuts.

[E]

Breathe heavy. Hold on a second. The. The red lights is a real thing. However, they're not like auxiliary lights that I'm setting up. Don't get mad about it. People do. You could literally Google it. That it's a thing.

[C]

And plays techno.

[E]

No, I don't play techno.

[C]

You told me you played.

[E]

I said, I want to. I like to. I tried it once. It doesn't work.

[A]

Hold on.

[C]

We're gonna go playing techno?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

It's crazy.

[D]

It is.

[E]

I agree with that.

[C]

It's so crazy.

[E]

I agree. That doesn't work because the.

[C]

What I found scares the fuck out of them. Fucking hinge date. And you go, alexa, make it Chinatown.

[E]

Don't do that.

[C]

Hey, Siri, can you put Nine Inch Nails? That's fucking crazy.

[E]

All right, hang on. I don't do it.

[C]

Just because you're like a sweater golf guy.

[E]

Well, that's so.

[C]

I think that's a little freak in there.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

And you like that? You think that's sexy? I do like 50 shades of gray.

[A]

Hold on.

[E]

Let's go back for a second.

[B]

Did you ever play any Motown?

[E]

I haven't played Motown, Chris. Thank you.

[C]

I'll give you that. It's very funny.

[B]

Yeah, but.

[E]

But my dad and you are fans of Motown.

[A]

I definitely am.

[E]

We'll come back to it.

[C]

So I'd be doing the same.

[E]

I tried one time. I told you that. It doesn't work because the buildup.

[B]

Motown doesn't work because the. Or the techno.

[E]

The techno.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

Because it's. It's, you know, lovemaking is like a story unfolding. This is like playing.

[C]

Tell you what, I'm putting out some short stories, A lot of haik, and I'm done. That's five.

[D]

Right, we're going to take a quick break from the show now because we've got something for the sports lovers out there. This is a special segment called More or Less, and it's brought to you by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day. Like right now, we're all thinking about what to buy for whom and whether we really want to hang out with that weird cousin again this holiday season. But on Prize picks, being right can get you paid. Yep. The holidays come with so much sports action. And on Prize picks, whether you're a football fan, a Basketball fan or a fan of both like me? It always feels good to be right. Now let's get into this. Who's looking good and who is on the Sports Naughty list right now? All right, please begin with your picks. And they said make sure these players are playing this week. Obviously there's a ton of football. This is what I'm excited about right now, guys. A ton of football on Thanksgiving. I'm focusing on the Green Bay packers right now. I'm thinking Romeo Dubes more. But then you have Matthew golden, and I'm going less. Same name as me. That's not a good sign.

[C]

Who else do we have here?

[D]

Ooh, Luke Musgrave.

[C]

More.

[D]

I'm thinking more for old Luke Musgrave for sure. And then we have Jordan Love. And I mean, let's be honest, guys. Less. So, yeah, those are my picks. Personally, you can disagree. That's fine. That's what I love about sports. It's just guys can come together and, you know, talk about stuff like this, but that's where I'm coming from. So I'd love to hear your guys's drop. Drop some comments below about your comments about who's going to be more or who's going to be less. Because, you know, this is the Sports Naughty list right now. Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock in yours. And what better time? Because new feature alert Price Picks now has early payouts. And if your lineup gets off to a hot start, you may now have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. Download the app today and use Code drenched to get $50 in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code drenched to get $50 in lineUps after you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks. It's good to be right?

[C]

So anyway, where did you get that? That lovemaking's like a story because it has to be in one of your books.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

There's a book called. I think this one's called Come as yous Are. It's written to win. I know.

[C]

It's all puns about coming. The other ones, she comes first.

[E]

Yeah, I know. I'm not naming them, Shane. I'm looking at Reddit and asking Reddit what are good books about lovemaking or, you know, whatever. This.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And then they.

[C]

That's where you want to go for sex tips. The guys from Reddit, those pussy hounds on Reddit.

[E]

So what's the. What's the come as you are is like Written for women that struggle with, you know. Or it should be.

[B]

Are there testimonials in the book?

[A]

I didn't think the conversation was heading in that direction or I really wouldn't be participating.

[C]

I understand.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That's just what he does.

[E]

Well then I'll. That's what I do.

[C]

Keep going though. What are you doing?

[E]

No.

[C]

Then.

[E]

Well, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

[C]

But that's not the whole point.

[A]

I, I. Yeah, I'm not going to be staying that much longer. But anyhow, where. When we were in Pittsburgh last week for the, for the football games, we stayed at the William Penn Omni.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

And they put us up in this suite cuz friends of ours had a connection. It was fantastic.

[B]

That's a good.

[C]

It really was a nice hotel.

[A]

Oh the way in Pan Omni is beautiful old historic hotel downtown Pittsburgh. And what had happened is they have what's called the Governor Suite and they convert it to the Santa Suite in November. And the first night we were there, November 14, we walk in, there's all kinds. Everything is Santa. They got his boots laying there.

[C]

Oh, that's nice.

[A]

They got gingerbread men out. They've got shower curtains. Changed everything, the bed sheets. And there's two extra common rooms. So there was like 2,000 square feet of hotel that, that we had for three nights.

[C]

That's really great.

[A]

And it was, it was fantastic.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I just wanted to get away from what he was talking about.

[C]

That's fine.

[E]

What he was talking about.

[C]

No, I get it. He says him and he is open about this stuff.

[A]

You read a lot.

[E]

Well about certain. He, he's at fault.

[C]

He is fun though.

[E]

What are you looking at me for?

[C]

He's the one.

[E]

He's the instigator.

[A]

Is he?

[B]

Yes. He lit the fuse.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

He made you an offer.

[C]

I, I regretted the fuse. I also regretted the fuse.

[B]

Didn't regret.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's not what I want.

[B]

I would like to stay in a Santa hotel room though. That'd be, that'd be nice.

[A]

It's unbelievable.

[B]

How big were the boots?

[A]

The actually, the guy, the guy that was taking our luggage out actually thought we left the boots like they were ours. So he brings the boots down to.

[C]

Put them in the car.

[A]

I said buddy, no, that's part of, that's part of the room. They're not mine, they're Santa's. Yeah.

[C]

You saw the pit note aim game. What'd you think of that film, Phil?

[A]

I thought.

[C]

Was Hunter able to say what's up to you?

[E]

Who?

[C]

Hunter Biven.

[A]

I didn't see him there.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I didn't see him there.

[C]

You told me to get the word out that you were there.

[A]

Yeah, I was looking for him. I didn't see him. I saw.

[C]

Phil acts like he's not like a glory hound. He's a complete glory hound.

[A]

No, we had.

[C]

You guys have a lot in common.

[A]

No, my. My friend set us up with great seats right behind the Notre Dame bench on the 40, 45 yard line. We were three rows from the. From the.

[C]

The wall. Phil, text me, goes let them know I'm here.

[A]

They're nice guys.

[C]

Hunter. Hunter would have said, what's up?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And I saw Ron Paulus and some of the other guys, but I didn't have a chance to say hello. They probably wouldn't know me.

[C]

They would know you. They'd remember you from the commercial.

[A]

Anyhow, so we saw that pit Notre Dame on Saturday, and then Sunday we saw the Steelers and the Bengals play. And that was. You know, just.

[C]

Wait, was that. That wasn't. Flacco versus Rogers.

[E]

That was an incredible.

[C]

You were there for that?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, that's awesome.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But Rogers got hurt, and then the. The other guy came in and he did a great job. But that was fun. I was. I was amazed, truthfully, at how much support those Steeler fans give that team.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that stadium, they are 100% for the Steelers and they cheer every play. And even though, you know, people may not like this or that they support that team, I would love to play for the Steelers after. I mean, seriously, as far as an NFL team, I would love to go to Pittsburgh and play for the Steelers. They really do a great job with them, so. I've never.

[B]

I've always wanted to see a game in that stadium. I've never seen a game in this.

[C]

I don't think I've ever seen the Steelers play.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How about that? Yep.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think I have either.

[C]

We got to get out there.

[B]

Those are the best fan bases, though.

[A]

Yeah, they are. They're small towns.

[B]

Natty's got a good fan base. Buffalo.

[A]

Buffalo.

[C]

Buffalo's great. Yeah, The Eagles are great.

[B]

Eagles are.

[C]

Eagles are such a fun fan base.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They're like an evil version of the Bill's mafia. They really are. They're just the fucking devil. Well, it's fun, though. Yeah.

[A]

They sort of had a thuggish reputation, the Eagles fans.

[C]

Yeah, it's fun.

[A]

Yeah. But I think they're getting away from that because they raised ticket prices so much that some of the.

[B]

The riff raff.

[C]

Some of them say that they're outside of the city.

[A]

Oh, they're outside. They're not going in.

[C]

Yeah, no, Yeah. I went there once. I went there. I saw the Eagles, Niners a few years ago. I. I went into the game, I had $9 to my name. I bought a Bud Light. It was nine bucks, zero dollars. I don't know. I went with. It was Big J and Soder, and they were like, do you want to come to this game with us? And I was like, yeah, yeah. And they were like, here, we got you tickets. You can't say we don't have any more with us. You're up in the. I was up in the nosebleeds with Big J's sister and brother in law. Just me and them freezing. It was cold and rainy. I got one beer. I was like, well, yeah. Down to zero dollars. I don't know how I'm getting back to West Philly.

[E]

Unreal.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I always.

[E]

I've told this story a thousand times, but when you were overdrafting Chipotle.

[C]

I love how you say it.

[E]

What?

[C]

Chipotle.

[E]

Oh, Chipotle.

[C]

Yeah. Overdrafting Chipotle for sure.

[E]

Yep.

[C]

But the reason I brought that up is because the riff raffer is still outside. So my buddies are like Philly trash. And they were out there. They're snorting off their dashboard.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Tailgate was like, let's snort oxies. No, thanks. Yeah, they're getting after it. A couple pain pills in the parking lot.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I'd cry if I had to be around.

[C]

If I had a. I'll tell you what. I wasn't too comfortable.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Watching guys snort. Right.

[E]

You know what's gonna happen?

[B]

Game's not for two hours.

[C]

You're get tired. You're gonna not feel your body and go into Xfinity live and try to fight someone.

[B]

Ride the bull. Just get off the bowl.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, that's. No, they're still there. They're not going anywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's tough getting back to your car.

[C]

There's a new class of plumbers snorting pills out there.

[A]

Huh.

[C]

Waiting for somebody in another jersey. The. Is that.

[A]

Well, no. It was a great weekend, though. It was.

[C]

That's good. What do you got next, Phil? What's going on? What do you got on the docket? I know your knees bothering you? Might. I might send you down to Austin and get some stem cells in there.

[A]

I took a. A shot of cortisone yesterday. So it's helped me.

[C]

It's helping.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, wow.

[C]

Steve's got arthritis.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you.

[E]

I haven't gotten cortisone yet, though, because it's apparently only so many you can get of those.

[A]

Well, at my age, they can.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Give me one every week.

[E]

Load it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, I definitely noticed a difference, and she said it could take two or three days before you really notice a difference. And she said sometimes it'll last for a couple weeks, sometimes a couple months, and sometimes several years. Depends on the individual. They don't really know how to.

[C]

To determine that, so the science is out.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How about. Would you get stem cells? I don't know what the. They do, but.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I'd have to do some research on it. I don't know.

[C]

Yeah. If your knees work right. I think they work. These guys are good at. The people in Austin are the people who did Roger's Achilles. Oh, yeah, yeah. We get you in there.

[E]

Whoa.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know what it does. I mean, right now, the guy that I had a torn meniscus, he operated on it and then said, there's a lot of arthritis in there.

[C]

So funny if I sent Phil down there, they just kill him. Stem cells. We don't know what the this does.

[A]

No, I want him right away. Never really improved my knee. It did briefly. Been in the last two months. It's just been killing me. And plus, I'm coaching basketball, so I'm walking on it all the time. Even driving the car. I mean, I can't. If it's positioned incorrectly. It just. Pain shooting through my knee wakes me up at night constantly. I can't.

[E]

I have to.

[C]

It's really terrible.

[A]

It sucks. It really does. So that's why I took the cortisone shot. I do have a. An appointment in December with the surgeon. Remember the mic into the mic. Yes. So my voice carries.

[C]

Some guys aren't for show biz, Phil.

[B]

I think I'm getting, like, a hip thing. I think I got, like, a hip pointer.

[C]

I think you and me are drinking. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'll wake up with just a dead arm.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Just passed out on it.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

That happened a couple times in my twenties. Woken up.

[C]

Oh, you're falling asleep on your own.

[B]

Yeah. And woke up with, like, the deadest arms I've ever felt in my life. It was just like, this has to be permanent.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This has to be a permanent injury. There's got to be, like, nerve damage.

[C]

Phil, last time I was here, you were fucking hammered.

[A]

When?

[C]

That's crazy. First off, that's very funny. We got home. Were you there last?

[B]

I don't think so.

[C]

We got home late. I don't think you expected us until the morning. You thought you were all safe up on that deck by yourself. We opened the door. Phil goes, hey, guys.

[D]

Damn.

[A]

You know, that's what. That was after the golf tournament.

[C]

No, it was the day before. You were out there getting ripped.

[A]

Your own home. Where can you.

[C]

And then he went and got a KitKat bar before bedtime.

[E]

Oh, that's good.

[C]

I saw him reach to the candy drawer on the way. On the way up to bed, he ate a KitKat bar.

[A]

What's wrong with that?

[C]

Candy bar. Before bed. And then he was in the hallway. I was like, phil, you gotta be quiet. He was like, he's like, laughing.

[A]

Don't make things up. I'm.

[B]

I. Yeah, but I. I don't. I don't really go for candy when I'm boozing. More of a chicken parm.

[C]

Chicken parm's crazy.

[B]

Taco Bell kind of guy.

[C]

I speak my language. Yeah, I don't know how you're getting chicken parm. Well, what time are you drunk? Who's making chicken parm when you're at that hour?

[B]

Well, at least in Philly there were a couple late night spots that stay open. You get a chicken parm at any hour of the night.

[C]

You get. You get greedy at night with the grub club. Yeah. This guy would order a thousand Big Macs, eat four of them in one sitting. He'd watch him do it. Didn't even take a breath.

[B]

Too big. Two Big Max was the move.

[C]

Two Big Max was crazy. Yeah, but I was reaping all the benefits. He would pass out. There's a third Big Mac in here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I think there was a lot of times I only ate one Big Mac. And I'd come out and I'd be like, I ate two Big Macs last night. And you were like, yeah, man, it was nuts.

[C]

I think that was three. You definitely ate two. You always ate two.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's good stuff. What else?

[D]

What else?

[C]

What else do we got here? Phil, you want to tell us a fun fight story? You ever beat anybody up? Nope. Why not?

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Clean sheet.

[C]

Any funny child stories?

[A]

Yeah, how about the story when I had to walk that girl home?

[C]

I don't know about it.

[A]

Yeah, well, I don't even know if you were born then. But this sticks out of my mind as one of the funnier stories. We lived about 10 miles from here or five miles from here. And back then, in the mid-80s, we had a landline, you know, phone, okay. So I would answer this phone and say, hello, Gilles's. And I would hear this, Like, this pervert on the other end, and I would just go nuts. I'd say, you son of a. If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to kill you. Because Katie and Sarah were both like, 6 and 7 at the time. And. And Joan, you know, she was, you know, still hot. And so I. I'm thinking, there's some perverts just watching what's going on here. And I don't know if they're after the girls, are after Joan, but. And then like a week later, I'd pick up the phone and say, hello, Gilles's. And I'd hear this, I guess, and I say. And I would swear I'd go nuts.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So this went on for like, six weeks, like once a week. And then one Sunday afternoon, Sarah's girlfriend comes up in a baby stroller. And she's some little overweight Greek kid.

[C]

All right?

[A]

So Joan. Joan says to me, about three hours later, will you walk her home? Right? Because she was putting Katie and Sarah, getting them in the baths or whatever. So I said, sure. So I start walking with this kid, and she's got her baby carriage, and we walk and I take about 10 steps, and I hear this. I go, it's you, isn't it? The kid had asthma. I didn't know it. Every time I answered the phone, I scared her so much. She would never say anything.

[D]

And then.

[A]

I'm sorry. That's what I was saying.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

That's a true story. That poor kid.

[C]

That's great. I remember when Mike Conley hit puberty. That was a tough one. Yeah. My buddy Mike hit puberty, like, real early. He would call me like a Shane there.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And they're like, who is this? You pervert, you. We had to stop. He wasn't allowed to play football with us anymore. We did hide our backyard football games.

[E]

From him because he was just that.

[C]

He was a fucking monster. He would kill us. Yeah.

[E]

My friends had no jump rule against me when we played basketball.

[C]

You were not allowed to shoot?

[E]

No, they weren't allowed to jump to block because I was so tiny.

[C]

That's nice.

[B]

Yeah, that is nice.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

He got humped by a Down syndrome guy playing basketball.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. It was just.

[E]

Yeah. Do you want me to Tell.

[C]

Fuck it. What else are we doing?

[E]

We don't have to have you. Obviously he didn't, you know, he just was a little over excited and, you know, sort of toss me around, Steve.

[C]

Here, let me tell him for you.

[A]

Would you make a tough shot or something?

[C]

He. He knew that. He knew the pretty girls were going to be at recess watching. And he said they were already there. And he said, watch this. I'm a good guy. I'm gonna help this special needs boy.

[E]

I won an award, which I sent you a photo of, which is hilarious. What's that?

[C]

The nicest guy award.

[E]

But do you remember? I was like, I think it was something with Congress and then it was like a state.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I got a word from Congress. It was like a judge from Westchester. But no, he was trying to show off for the ladies and be like, look how good he was.

[E]

Trying to show off for the ladies, my cousin.

[C]

No, you were.

[E]

Well, it's a byproduct, you know, it wasn't like I sat there and said, let. How can I get a date in middle school? It was my cousin started doing it at his school. So I was like, that would be a cool thing to do here.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

But once you saw the ladies watching, you were kind of.

[B]

Dude, everyone. It was all about, are the ladies watching?

[C]

Yeah, of course. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's just a funny thing to have. Backfire.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You're trying to be a good guy and the guy starts humping you. They pull him off you.

[E]

Yeah, Chicky. Yeah, he had to pull him off. Yeah.

[B]

I remember the stress of just like running the mile in gym class.

[C]

Oh, brother. You got no idea. No, that's when you hit the. I'm too cool for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that. I'm walking, dude.

[D]

I'm not.

[E]

Wow.

[C]

The.

[E]

Too cool for. It's a great.

[C]

There's no way I'm gonna do that, right? Run and lose to a. Like all the girls. Yeah, no, that's. I'm too cool for this.

[E]

That's funny.

[C]

I'll hit the I'm too cool for this button basketball tryouts instantly.

[E]

Shirts.

[C]

You got to do that. There's no. Okay, you got to take the skins. You can't. You can't even fight it.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

This. You can't even. When they go shirts and skins, you're on skins in your head. You go. You gotta play that cool. You gotta just give. Yeah, yeah. I don't give a. Yeah, who cares? No, I'm talking about, like once I Knew I sucked at basketball. That's when I was like, layup line. Try out. I'm just, oh, I see what you're saying. Launching it against the backboard, going it. I don't even care. And I get home and go, oh, I wish I could play with my friends.

[E]

Because, yeah, I would just.

[C]

The cr.

[E]

I wouldn't go through the cool thing. I'd just go right to the crying thing.

[C]

Skins was tough, but was nice. Was. There was a couple guys that had. We were all going through puberty, so they all had. Some of the guys just had giant tits. You remember those, like, puffy nipples kids got?

[E]

No. Yeah.

[C]

You didn't play enough sports. Trust me, when you go skins, like, 20% of the kids have giant fat nipples. Everybody. Everybody goes, yo, why do you have tits? One of my friends, tits from that.

[B]

And it was just puffy nipples.

[C]

It's just puffy nipples. He was in perfectly good shape. He was skinny. He just had a rack, dude. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I told you. I drained him.

[C]

Oh, yeah. That's the worst, man.

[B]

I pierced him.

[C]

Oh.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

I didn't know what.

[B]

I thought. I was growing tits. I was freaking out. I was going to talk to anyone about it.

[C]

Yeah, you can't tell anyone about that.

[B]

I was just. I was just like. Put a needle in there. That.

[A]

What happened.

[B]

I don't know. I guess I'm maybe a couple inches shorter than I should have been, but I don't know.

[C]

That's.

[B]

I know. I think that was, like, important.

[C]

Stunted your grocery that I just nuked. All the power was in your nipples. You were about to be 68.

[B]

Yeah, but it wasn't worth the risk.

[C]

You'd be a problem.

[B]

Six, eight with tips.

[C]

If you were tall, you would have been a real problem. Yeah, You. Your build.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Yep.

[B]

Man.

[A]

What?

[B]

That would be so fun.

[A]

Yeah. All right, Shane.

[C]

You going to wrap it up?

[A]

Got to wrap it up. Got to get ready for our basketball.

[C]

Okay. You got anything to say? The guys have been waiting for you to be on the pod for.

[A]

Well, I don't really know who the guys are, tell you the truth.

[C]

Everybody.

[A]

Everybody. All right.

[C]

It's like Fight Club, dude. It's like your. Your chef.

[A]

Good to be with you today.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

This is nice. Pop in before Thanksgiving. Good to see everybody.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, I'm out of here. All righty.

[C]

We. We'll keep going.

[B]

Yeah, sure. What are we at? Time.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

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[D]

That's nice.

[C]

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[E]

Not to derail what you guys are talking about, but when you were yelling at him like, your dad eats fuzzy ass off. I didn't hear that till, like, the.

[C]

Chris knew exactly what he was doing. And Phil hit me with. That would have hurt. When he was like, you need a book? I was like, I don't know how I didn't think this through. I'm talking about eating pussy with my dad. That's a fucking crazy thing. Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know if you wanted him to dive in or not.

[C]

No, absolutely not. Obviously it would be funny, but I don't need that.

[B]

No.

[C]

And I'd feel bad for him, you know?

[D]

Know.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I don't think he understands just how many people watch. What are you doing down there with your friends? Weirdos? Comes down like, I think we got a good team this year. You know, you can't win without good kids coaching. Yeah.

[B]

To. To go deep into the eating conversation.

[C]

Just pour, then.

[B]

Just pour 60 beers on top of that. Wake up tomorrow.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Yeah, that'd be sad. It'd be nice to take it easy tonight.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[D]

I'm.

[C]

I'm taking it easy, dude.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I got burnt. I. I walked too close. I got too close to the sun.

[C]

I. Yeah, I gotta stop doing that to you.

[B]

I was. Yeah.

[C]

You can't go into deep waters.

[B]

I mean, I've been in the deep.

[E]

You are. I've been in the deep.

[C]

He goes, yeah, but it's not. He's not built for it.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

The wheels come off, you start going.

[B]

Yeah, well, also your depth is so much.

[C]

I'm just drinking bruskies. But they.

[B]

They're bringing out the green teas.

[C]

Green teas are all right.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

But if you have to.

[B]

No, I can't. I can't. You know, once a single.

[C]

I think they're alcoholic.

[E]

What?

[C]

I don't even know what's in there.

[B]

Enough.

[C]

Enough to change you Start hitting that brown.

[B]

The brown is, that's, that's when he's.

[C]

Going for a run. Sure. That's when he's fighting. Me and him are fighting, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's true. But I, I, I, I don't think I asked for the brown all weekend. But every once in a while someone's.

[C]

Oh, it found its way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Somebody offered me a shot. I go, chris will do it. Yeah.

[B]

I was saying no. We said no to a, a twisted tea chug.

[C]

It's an insane offer. Hey, you want to chug a twisted tea? Oh, no, thank you.

[B]

And then they were like, come on.

[C]

I bought it, Dick. If you don't do it here, we'll film it. Chug this. You go, yeah, that's good. Let's get that out there. My fat neck. Chugging a. Looking into a camera. Kids come up, dude, be like, yo, can you shout out Sigma Kai whatever the frat is? Yeah, I usually say no, but every once in a while I'm drunk enough to be like, yo, Sigma Kai. I'm a loser, dude. I get into town, I become a embarrassment.

[E]

There you go.

[C]

It's really embarrassing.

[E]

You're so nice about it.

[C]

I'm nice to people. But then you hang out, it's too late, right? There's a bunch of college kids coming in. Be like, just be right in your.

[E]

Face, spitting on you.

[C]

Yeah, but I get it. I remember.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

If I was a college kid, I'd be so happy.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That was a dream. College, college.

[C]

Yeah, it was a dream.

[B]

Oh, it's so fun.

[C]

I think we might have lost the accomplish. He went through hell this weekend.

[B]

I did.

[C]

He's on a different plane.

[B]

I got ascended now. I descended. I descended. I need to ascend.

[C]

We do.

[B]

I need to, I need a big dry out.

[C]

You and me are going to be in complete control. Don't worry. It's only the holiday season.

[B]

I need a big drop.

[C]

It's only the holiday season. We're probably not going to be drinking that much and not depressed at all.

[B]

No. Well, my family goes light on the booze, so I can, I can, I can get.

[C]

We'll go, we'll go light at Thanksgiving. Yeah, it's. Well, they won't, but I will. I don't like getting drunk in front of them.

[E]

No.

[C]

I guess my family.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, for real.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's bad luck.

[C]

Yeah. Especially the way I actually drink.

[B]

Oh yeah, Yeah.

[C]

I showed up, it was like, watch this, 25 beers. Yeah, actually that would be funny.

[B]

They treat it like the medical emergency that it is. It's like. Yeah, like, wait, so what, you're doing this when you're not around? This is what you're doing? No, this is just.

[C]

No, this is for Thanksgiving.

[B]

I miss you guys.

[C]

Just miss you so damn much. I don't want to remember it. I don't even remember seeing you. That's good stuff. Yeah, it's fine. We're in complete control now. Are you excited for tires?

[E]

I couldn't be more excited.

[C]

Yeah, I'm excited.

[E]

It's going to be so much fun.

[C]

I'm excited. It's the best.

[E]

It's incredible.

[C]

Just filming together, goofing off. You'll get mad. Oh, it's going to be cold. You're going to be such a. The whole time.

[B]

I think I'm going to be a too. It's cold.

[C]

It is cold as in there.

[B]

We only got a little lick of the winter last year. We're going to be in the depths.

[E]

My understanding is that there's like heating elements outside now and they're going to be a little bit better about having places for me to go personally warm up.

[C]

That would not affect your ruin a room accidentally. I did that once you set it to 95 degrees. He does have a nice trick to keep me out of his office at the writing room. Yeah, I go in, I take two steps into the room and I go, oh my God, get the fuck out the of of you. Yeah, I did.

[E]

I. I'm like coldblooded. I run. My temperature runs low. I do great in the summer.

[C]

Yeah, I like walking around the office and seeing what you guys are up to.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Walk Past years. You're laying on a inflatable mattress. Walk. Chris is asleep on a bean bag. It's crazy, dude. Everyone's asleep, dude. The whole staff's asleep.

[E]

It's. It's exhausting.

[B]

If you come in at like two.

[C]

Yeah, dude, I hear you.

[B]

Four hours of hard thinking. You gotta lay it down.

[C]

A lot of guys napping. You got a lot of naps in there.

[B]

You gotta lay it down.

[C]

We need the scripts by Thursday, everyone. Oh, John, John, hurry up, please. John.

[E]

But yeah, this is. It's. It's just so exciting. And that, that, that is the one thing I was saying is like to be. To be famous for like small famous that I am for like this reason. Well, you know what I mean.

[C]

Sure. No, not you. I'm just saying I don't like even talking about it, but yeah.

[E]

Oh, well, I mean, it is a factor.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah. But for this reason, like, I. It's just so nice because it's. It's. It's about a show.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

You and John. And it's like, for sure, people that really care about each other.

[C]

I couldn't imagine being, like, would want to be famous. Well, that shit's wild.

[E]

That's my point. It's like if you. If you were reality show famous.

[C]

Yeah. Just trying to be famous.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You don't want to have talent at all. You just want to be famous.

[E]

Right.

[B]

Nightmare.

[C]

Yeah. But it is. It is funny. I do like seeing you be the big man on campus. I like watching you walk around and go, oh, yeah, that's me.

[E]

That's not what I do.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

I don't do that. Oh, yeah. But I. I'll tell you what, it is rewiring my brain, you know, like, because bars I used to never. So I'm trying to get better. Shane's trying to get me out of my comfort zone, which I internally grateful for. And, like, went to the Eagles Halloween thing.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Dressed as Jafar.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

He's going, I can't see. I'm kind of blind.

[E]

That took my lad ahead of you.

[C]

With a stick, right?

[B]

Yeah. Right out of the gate. Yeah. Well, it was a picture. I thought we were. I thought he wanted us in the picture. Yeah.

[E]

Nobody could understand what he was saying.

[B]

Steve, let's go.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

But he was saying, get out.

[E]

He was saying, not you. But I was like, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No idea.

[C]

Hi, I'm Steve. Who the are you, bro? The out of here, bro.

[E]

I mean, I'm not dogging on Drew. He is a really awesome guy.

[C]

Yeah. How nice is he?

[E]

Yeah, he's great.

[B]

Everyone was so nice.

[C]

Obviously, everyone's great. But I went to me and him after the Halloween party. Went to Bonners.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I just sat with him at the bar at Bonners. He's huge. He's dressed like vampire, the witcher.

[B]

Oh, was that what it was?

[C]

And he was just getting into singing. He was talking about his singing. He loves singing.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

He started singing. It was very funny.

[E]

That's fantastic.

[C]

See what. See what? The difference between you and Jordan, my lotus.

[E]

If I was just gigantic and I said, I want to dance, you would be. Oh, you'd be like, it's so cool.

[C]

If you were first off, I wasn't saying, oh, it's so cool. I thought it was funny. It's funny to hear a guy that. It's that big. Yeah. Be like, thinking about getting into singing, bro. Yeah, man. Yeah, he's got a really good voice.

[E]

Yeah, he does.

[C]

That's the difference. Also, if you had a great voice and good moves, I could support it.

[D]

Okay.

[E]

You'll have to work on the moves.

[C]

The moves are actually pretty good. No, I will say that you have good moves.

[E]

They gotta come.

[C]

And you got long legs. You look good out there.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Like some type of bug on the dance floor. I don't look good bug out there.

[E]

I know. I wish I was more proportioned.

[B]

No, I think long legs is good for square dancer.

[C]

Look at all three of us are pretty.

[E]

What are you talking about?

[C]

You're a. I'm the ideal man. Hey, let me tell you. Talk to my ex.

[B]

That's what. That's what I think I'm going to do. I think I'm. I'm going to. I'm going to dry it out. I'm going to get big into yoga.

[C]

You got to dry it out before we film.

[B]

I'm going to get flexible for sure. Yeah.

[C]

And while we're filming, we got to get the. Thankfully. Thankfully, it's going to be early enough days because of the lighting. So you're not gonna. We're not going to be able.

[E]

No. Yeah. I was just.

[C]

We.

[B]

Go ahead.

[C]

No, that's it.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

It's kind of like a little bit of identity crisis to think about how different I would be if I was Jordan. My lotta size.

[C]

Yeah. God, I'd love it if you're the exact same. If there's just a giant version of you.

[E]

I would probably say, I don't like parties.

[C]

I'm going home. Six, eight, Jacked. I'm going as Jafar to the Eagles Halloween party. I have to leave.

[D]

I'm blind.

[E]

But people don't dilate, so it's like I can't see anything. And I. I think I asked you at one point, I was like, who's that over there? And you're like, Jail Barkley. Yeah. You're in jailhouse. Dang it. I can't see him.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

And then just a bunch of giants.

[C]

Like John Cena was there.

[E]

Oh, he was.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. No.

[C]

Yeah. Steve. Couldn't see him.

[B]

Folks. Nice, folks.

[E]

Nice.

[C]

I got plenty more.

[E]

Very nice.

[C]

Come see me at the Link for more gold like that.

[B]

I. I would. I would genuinely. If I couldn't see, I would freak out in those environments too.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Because like, when Shane came in, then Jordan, my lotto was like dancing.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

You know, like, I don't know, everybody was kind of dancing and then there. There was Some movement back towards me, and then there was literally nowhere to go. I was against the bar.

[C]

Yeah. So then.

[E]

Then, you know.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Slowly. Yeah.

[C]

It was nice that we were the only ones. We were the only ones there.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Other than the team.

[E]

Team.

[C]

It was very weird. Yeah, it was awesome. It was really nice with the Dickersons.

[E]

Oh, that's so.

[C]

Yeah. They put it together.

[E]

He couldn't be.

[C]

How great is he?

[B]

Yeah, man.

[C]

Yeah, that's. It's funny when you get to know the. The guys that play football, like, it changes the way I watch the game. Like. Like last night, Christian McCaffrey running the ball 30 times. Every time he runs the ball, I'm like, don't be safe.

[B]

Right?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Please don't get hurt. Please. I just. You become a girlfriend.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

He's down. Yeah. Get up, get up. He's up. He's up. He's good. He's having a hell of a game. At the end of the game, you're like, I'm so proud of you. He did great, man. Yeah. Like, I watch Bill's games now. I'm back to that because Gabe.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Gabe Davis is back. I watch it again. I'm like a girlfriend watching this shit.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

He catches the ball. I'm like, yes, Gabriel.

[B]

Anytime he doesn't get thrown, you're like, he was open.

[C]

He was open, Josh, throw him the ball. Yeah, but injuries in football, it's sad.

[E]

It's sad.

[C]

It's so sad for the guys.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Because it really. You know, it makes them. It makes them sad.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's such.

[E]

And just. Your entire career can be.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Done in a second.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't. I genuinely don't know how there aren't eight broken legs every running play.

[E]

Me either.

[C]

It's obviously. I would. I just ran if no one tackled me.

[E]

Just pull up.

[B]

Tear your Achilles. I'm surprised the line guys don't wear the double leg braces.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Also, I feel like the arm. The arm brace thing, it feels like. When the D guys wear. It feels like cheating.

[C]

Why?

[B]

You just got a metal weapon you can hit, dude. When we would play, like, indoor lacrosse, there'd be these Canadian guys, and they would build, like, their own, like, armor. They would just, like. They would. They would, like, heat up plastic and build just like, a.

[C]

Really.

[B]

And then they'd just crush you.

[C]

Canadians. Are you up?

[B]

They're nuts.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Are they better than you?

[B]

I.

[C]

Well, who's better?

[B]

Skill level.

[C]

Who's better, the Americans or the Canadians?

[B]

I think the Canadians. Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[B]

I mean, damn.

[C]

It is like a clash of the. Who couldn't play the real sport? It's our non football guys versus their non hockey guys. That's a battle. Who are the guys? Get. This is our best group of guys.

[B]

No, the Canadians. Because every. Everyone when I was growing up was like, you gotta have like be like good and. But with both hands and all this stuff. And Canadian guys went that. Yeah, they just got so good with.

[C]

One hand and then they. Now New York has the Native Americans.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Onondaga.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. We laughed about Shoney or whatever Jim Brown playing. He was like nasty at lacrosse.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Jim Brown.

[C]

Yeah, he played lacrosse at Syracuse.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

There must have been 10 people on Earth playing lacrosse. He must have just trucked the out.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Because I was asking him, I was like, can you just lower your shoulder with the ball? He's like, yeah, that must have been terrifying.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I'd be racist.

[D]

Sure.

[C]

I was one of those white guys out there. Go get him off the field. This is crazy.

[E]

Yeah, that feels like a sport ripe to have somebody come in and just dominate like that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'd love to see it. Holy fuck, I would love to see it. I'd love to see like a LeBron kind of guy out there. Yeah. Jordan, my lotto with a lacrosse stick.

[C]

No, Jordan.

[B]

They would shoot the ball 200 miles an hour. It's crazy.

[C]

Jordan, my lotta needs to be nowhere near.

[E]

Dude.

[C]

Any other sport.

[B]

Yeah, dude, I remember scary out there.

[C]

He's scared.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

He shakes your hand after the game, you strike the girlfriend girlfriend mode again. You go, oh my God, your hands are so big. So gay the whole time. And you can sing. And he's handsome. He's dressed like a vampire.

[B]

He is.

[C]

He was. He was. He's dressed like a vampire.

[E]

He was kind of crazy.

[C]

Us, our squad of mutants in the corner dressed like a ninja turtle blind, going home. We've got a whole team of pugs in the corner. These are my buddies. We're all pieces of.

[E]

I had the hat. The Jafar hat was like two foot.

[C]

And it still wasn't Blizz Blizz showing up at the. Whatever that face paint was.

[B]

Yeah, mine.

[C]

It was horrifying.

[B]

That's a high level move though.

[C]

Bees dressed as a bee. That was nice. Yeah, it was a good night.

[B]

Those are some good costumes. I thought I had a good turtle costume.

[C]

You did have a good. I had no costume.

[E]

Classic.

[C]

Oh yeah, no, no, it wasn't too cool. I just didn't have time should have gotten you one.

[B]

We went to the store right before.

[C]

Should have got the Jason mask.

[B]

Yeah. It's classic, but it'd be nice. Nice to get you a Power Ranger.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm not built. I physically am, for a bodysuit.

[B]

Well, it's baggy.

[C]

It better be. Better be baggy, dude.

[B]

The problem.

[C]

There's a lot of problems with a latex suit with me and the Tinas. Might be number two. Love handles is where we're running into some real fucking chaos. Just a belt of Power Ranger belt sagging underneath my gut. I mean, that's. I'd be with you. I go, I'm going home, too. This blows.

[B]

I think that'd be such a sick.

[C]

Look if I pulled it. Yeah. If I. If I wore it with confidence.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But there's no way I would. There's no way I could. I'd be doing the. Adjust my shirt the entire time. Pulling the Tinas out this time. The whole time.

[D]

Time.

[C]

Don't get that spandex off my dick. This is crazy, Jordan. My life was going to see my tiny penis.

[E]

Dude.

[B]

I remember when we were at. When we were in, like, I think, late middle school, early high school, Casey Powell, who's, like, the best player in the world at the time, came and we were hanging out and he was, like, shooting. He was shooting, like, 95 miles an hour. And Sullivan just picked up a stick.

[A]

Stick.

[B]

He's in eighth grade.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He just picked up a stick and shot, like, 1:10. Powell was 25.

[C]

Sullivan was a horse, though.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

He's a monster.

[B]

I can't imagine an NFL lineman, like, actually playing lacrosse and shooting the ball.

[C]

Funny. If. If you're allowed to just truck people.

[B]

It would kill goalies.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. They'd have to start actually wearing pads. Like, way more pads.

[B]

Like a thick, like, hockey chest protector.

[C]

Those guys must be crazy. Crazy. They're lacrosse goalies.

[B]

They're nuts.

[C]

Yeah. I like those positions in sports that are real weird.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like mlb, pitchers.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Are just insane people. I would imagine hockey goalies are weird dudes.

[B]

Hockey goalies. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. They're supposed to be every single golfer weird. Dork.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I don't know any.

[C]

I've only met a couple, and they were all very normal and nice.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Yeah. Just trying to belittle your sport. I just wanted to take your favorite thing and say it sucked.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Even though doesn't. No.

[B]

But it has to a little bit because it's such a head game.

[C]

That is. I would imagine those are weird people. Yeah.

[B]

Like you have to do all these, like, weird mental stuff to, like, keep from absolutely melting down.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So I have goalies, like, talking to pipes and stuff. Thanking pipes, Dude.

[C]

The. My favorite was just during co. Going to baseball games where the stadium was empty and you could just listen to the pitchers. They're insane, dude. What are they saying every time they put that glove over their face? Yeah.

[E]

You really.

[C]

Just.

[D]

Back to the game.

[C]

You're like, holy.

[E]

Whoa.

[C]

Yeah, they're. No, they're mental patients.

[E]

Wow, that's really interesting. I mean, I get it.

[C]

Yeah. Giving up a home run.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You can just hear it as soon as it leaves the bat, you hear the pitch. Son of a.

[E]

Give me the ball.

[C]

It's just winging the next pitch.

[B]

I can't imagine. I can't imagine, like, having the confidence to just throw the pitch over the plate.

[C]

Tommy put me onto that. It's very funny when someone gives up a home run. Usually the next pitch is 95 fastball down the middle. Like, they're like, fuck you. Fuck you. Gone again. Gone.

[B]

That's got to be the worst feeling in the world.

[C]

Giving up a homer.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

It's a tough one. Giving up a sack sucked.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[C]

That was really shitty.

[E]

Horrible.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Especially your friends with the quarterback. He's your buddy. Dude. I'm getting killed. I don't know who the. This guy is. I'm gone. This game. Run away.

[B]

What can you do if you're just getting smoked?

[D]

What do you.

[B]

Nothing. Just lunge.

[C]

Hopefully the coach. Hopefully the coach can make an adjustment.

[B]

And help get the running back.

[C]

Chip. Yeah, but we didn't have that, so it was just. It just. You're going to get up today. All day.

[B]

How many times did that happen?

[C]

Just happened once. Yeah, happened to me once. My last game of my senior year.

[E]

Oh, no.

[B]

And the guy across from you, just play one. You were like, he's amazing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I, like, never gave up a sack. And then this one game, this guy was just killing me. Oh, the final game.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Never played another game.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, no, that's all right. It.

[B]

I got a memory.

[A]

I got.

[C]

I don't care.

[B]

I got a memory like that in college.

[C]

I thought you're going to your hockey stories.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[E]

That's.

[B]

That's a tough one.

[C]

He's, like, deeply troubled by it, dude.

[B]

Conference championship, my senior year of college, they, like, they. They dialed it up. They called the play to me.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Like, take this guy to the rack. Had a shorty, dude stripped me, and I, like, never turned the ball over.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Never stripped me down the other way. Didn't see the field again.

[C]

Oh, man, it was.

[B]

Yeah, it was like a fourth quarter games. Like, it's like seven. Seven.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Run the play.

[C]

Connor, you ready?

[B]

And I went into it. We're like, I'm going to. To smoke this kid. And he just twigged me go.

[C]

Yeah. All right. Here we go. And dude, off the field, dude, it.

[B]

Was like, I still. It's like one of those things you scream about in the shower because it was a thing where it's like. Like I hadn't been playing well in the, like the last quarter of the season, but the coach was still like. I know. He literally pulled me aside and was like, I know you still got goals.

[E]

Oh, no.

[B]

Yeah. And I was like, hell, yeah, dude.

[C]

That's nice, though.

[B]

Yeah. You know, he's great.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And then turned out I didn't have goals left.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But it was. That's was like so painful. He literally, like, game on the line. Gave me a shot to make a difference.

[C]

That's tough. You never told me that story.

[B]

Oh, it was brutal. It's literally like the last play of my.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Heartbreaking. It's really hurting you guys.

[C]

Yeah, that's a tough one.

[D]

It's all right.

[C]

That's how sports ends, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, you don't end on top.

[B]

No.

[C]

You got humiliated. It. I'm not doing this. When was your last sport?

[E]

That would be probably little league baseball. And it was. Yeah. Just couldn't.

[C]

But you were just short.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

When did you grow? When did those legs take off?

[E]

Freshman year of college.

[C]

Holy. That must have been crazy.

[E]

It was pretty nuts.

[C]

How much did you grow?

[E]

Six inches.

[C]

Seven inches In a year?

[E]

Over the time, yeah.

[C]

God, that must have hurt.

[E]

It was. It was crazy. It was crazy to have to, like, buy new pants in a year.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a dream, though. That was. I always held out hope.

[D]

Hope.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

I would.

[B]

Yeah. I would learn about people growing in college and being like, it's still. I still.

[C]

There's a choice.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

I saw an endocrinologist and they. They, you know, said, five, six, five, seven pops.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And then. I don't think they know.

[E]

I don't know.

[C]

They get that wrong all the time, right?

[E]

They're just looking at an X ray.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's a scam. Endocrinologist. I'm coming for you.

[E]

You remember it was so humiliating because they had like a bead of testicles. Did I tell you about that? It was like Like.

[B]

Like a size chart.

[E]

A size chart, like, where you.

[B]

But it was, like, on a rope. Like, Like a butt plug rope.

[E]

Yep. And then my mom, like, so they checked me, and then my mom came back in the room and. You show them where my testicles were on this?

[C]

On the big balls?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

What?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Is that how they see how tall you're gonna be?

[E]

No, I think it was the X rays, but they're just.

[C]

They're like, here, this is just to show you where you. What doctor is this, dude, get rid of that. My recollection, just so you know. Also, you have small, tiny balls. There's no medical difference. You're going to be able to have kids. All that. This is just for you. It has no bearing on anything else. Just want you to know. You got a little, tiny dick.

[E]

Right?

[C]

All right.

[B]

Thanks for that.

[E]

You're, like, matching up to the age group that typically.

[C]

That's a doctor with small, tiny balls.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

And he's got his little. He's got a notch on there.

[D]

Right?

[C]

He's going. Got you. Not so small.

[B]

The 99th percentile.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, well, how.

[B]

Yeah. What's the biggest. What was the biggest ball on the chart, would you say?

[E]

Don't recall.

[C]

That would have stuck out to me. I would have been like, holy. Poor guy. That's crazy.

[E]

Yeah. I don't know. I don't think they were, like, abnormalities. I think it was, like, once you got up to average male is basically where it ended.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah, well, never really think about the size of my.

[C]

Keep trying to end the podcast, but. Yeah. What do you never think about the size of. Yeah, that's. We got. We got way bigger fish to fry right next door. Real problem. We got a real problem above and below those things. There's stuff going on that we need.

[A]

To take care of.

[C]

Balls are on the back burner for concern. German, you're a sweet boy. I wish you could come do the.

[E]

Show tonight, but thanks for having me on this.

[C]

Yeah. It's good to see you.

[E]

Sorry, I didn't want to make your dad super uncomfortable.

[C]

No, who gives a. It was funny, okay? He. He. He thinks it's funny. He just doesn't want to talk about eating around me. If I wasn't here, he'd be like, this is what I do. Yeah, but, no, my family's not. Got it. Never talk about sex.

[E]

Got it.

[C]

Yeah, I think it's weird when families do it.

[E]

I couldn't agree more.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I agree with that.

[C]

You got any final. Final thoughts here? Anything you want to get off your chest?

[B]

No.

[D]

No.

[B]

I think. I think I'm glad. Glad I. I made it through. I was really up against it yesterday.

[C]

I thought you were dead.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You don't respond when you're like that, and that's annoying, I know, but I get it.

[B]

Sometimes you gotta.

[C]

Couldn't face reality.

[B]

Shut it down.

[E]

Yeah, shut it down.

[B]

Shut it down. You get it?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Communication gone for sure.

[C]

All right, well, that's a good podcast.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

[E]

Do it.

[C]

Experience the sequel everyone's been waiting for with Sideline 2 intercepted. Join Drayton and Dallas as they navigate the challenges of college life while trying to stay true to themselves and each other. Catch all the drama and watch Sideline 2 Intercepted, starring Noah Beck and Sienna Agudong for free on Tubi this Thanksgiving.