Ep 590 - Wildcat

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast

Episode 590 – "Wildcat" (December 18, 2025)

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Overview

This episode of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast is a raucous, meandering deep dive into the world of childhood amusement parks, water park mishaps, American region commentary, sliding vs. gloving subcultures, bleak holiday vibes, butt injuries, and, as always, a hearty dose of unfiltered camaraderie. Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis, joined by guests Nate Marshall, Sean Gardini, and Aiden, share uncensored (often bodily) anecdotes and riff on everything from suburban nostalgia to embarrassing adult medical situations, all with their signature mix of absurdity and insight.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Roller Coasters and Amusement Park Debates (00:00–01:51; 11:07–11:32)

• Matt and Shane launch into heated debate over classic wooden roller coasters.
  • Discussing the "Wildcat" vs. "The Beast," comparing their roughness and size.
  • "The forces on the Wildcat are rougher... But we're talking G forces here." – B (00:58)
  • Nostalgia for amusement park days: busted lips, outdated beliefs about biggest rides ("pre-Internet nobody could fact-check what was really biggest").
• Amusement parks as sites of personal pride:
  • Shane defends Hershey Park's "Wildcat;" Matt points out the "Beast’s" fame.

2. Water Park Stories & Socio-Cultural Observations (01:51–07:00)

• Painful rides and awkward adolescent moments:
  • Tales of smacking faces, bloodied lips, and “vacuum-sealed” gym shorts.
  • "My tinas could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit." – B (02:54)
• Aging out of water parks; adult discomfort vs. childlike enthusiasm.
• Sociological riff:
  • Water parks as “a minorities’ game” now; the pale reminiscence of nineties “whites controlling the yard” (04:28–04:57).
  • “[At the water park,] Black people get it drilled in their heads: their bare feet can never touch the earth.” – B (05:49)
• Barefoot vs. water shoes debate:
  • Differences in Black and white childhoods discussed with irreverence.

3. Water Park Mishaps, Bizarre Injuries, and Innuendo (07:00–09:01; 36:00–37:00)

• Legendary mishap: Sean’s water park experience, involving a penis-related injury.
  • "I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your penis went up your butt... and you liked it." – C (07:42)
• Absurd detail:
  • 16-year-olds heroically "pulling" people out; everyone riffing on the logistics.
  • Recurring innuendo and callbacks to butt-injuries throughout episode.

4. Nostalgia, Adulthood, and Holiday Plans (39:14–47:04)

• Bleak and comical contrasts of modern adulthood:
  • Shane talks about jacking off in his parents' basement as a single man during the holidays, awkwardly surrounded by family (39:54–40:03).
  • Drifting into fantasy business plans, trapping, owning a warehouse, and longing for the thrill of a “bad guy’s lair.”
• Holiday traditions and generational differences:
  • Joking about bleak Christmases, absent curfews, and the freedom/pitfalls of living at home as an adult (40:55–41:27).
  • “Just coke for Christmas at my parents’.” – C (41:33)

5. The Homeless "Slider" Subculture & Skankfest Antics (17:01–29:00)

• Wild extended riff on “sliders” (homeless people who slide on their knees) vs. “glovers” (light-glove dancers):
  • Full debate on which subculture is more entertaining or respectable.
  • "I think I might be more of a Glover than a slider… but sliding's nasty as hell." – B (20:19)
• Event mischief fantasies:
  • Multiple schemes to bus sliders to Skank Fest as a prank/spectacle (23:00–24:42).
  • “Skank Fest X: Sliders vs. Glovers talent show.” – C (24:34)

6. Urban Travel Tales & Meeting Public Figures (11:55–15:36; 43:00–44:41)

• Wandering into Idaho’s capital and accidentally meeting the governor in sweatpants.
  • "Like, my bad. I didn’t know I was gonna meet the governor today." – C (12:29)
• Contrasting clean Boise with gritty, “rotting” Portland:
  • “The bums have won, Lebowski.” – C (15:31)
  • Dark humor about Portland’s lost glory; dead rats and colonoscopy bags as cityscape features.

7. Holiday Commercialization & Podcast Ad-Riffing (09:00–10:50; 30:16–32:08)

• Mocking the sponsor copy (BetterHelp, Monster Ultra, Prize Picks, etc.) with absurd family therapy traditions and self-care routines.
  • “Me and my family gather round the Christmas tree and talk about the single most traumatic event of our lives.” – B (09:13)

8. Medical Mishaps, Butt Exams, and Over-sharing (66:11–78:33)

• Sean and Nate share stories about butt injuries and urgent care visits:
  • “You paid $200 to get fingered at urgent care, dude.” – C (68:42)
• Embarrassing details:
  • First periods, urgent care questioning, resisting partner support in the doctor’s office.
  • "He gloved up. He lubed up. I heard the gloves." – A (69:22)
• Comic relief in sharing and oversharing:
  • “I washed up, I hit my hot spots… but I didn’t shower.” – A (69:45)
  • Riffing about future necessary prostate exams for the whole “squad.”

9. School Memories & Childhood Insecurity (52:01–54:55)

• Catholic school flashbacks:
  • Sweaty pants, no A/C, hating the start of school, summer nostalgia.
  • “I just never felt comfortable, sweating through those things.” – B (52:19)

10. Reporting, Gossip, and "Spilling the Tea" (59:01–62:59)

• Meta-observation on “reportage,” YouTube intellectuals, and media roundtables.
  • Revisiting the meaning of “spill the tea” vs. “spill the beans.”
  • “I forgot entirely about…” – A (71:05)
  • Calls for more podcast gossip, lamenting lack of "tea" in their own scene.

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Notable and Memorable Quotes

“My tinas could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit.”
— B (02:54)

“Water parks have become a minorities game.”
— C (04:28)

“You paid $200 to get fingered at urgent care, dude.”
— C (68:42)

“Sliding is a very good start... we could have the sickest country on earth if we had a billion sliders in every city.”
— C (21:36)

“Just coke for Christmas at my parents’.”
— C (41:33)

“I want to completely max [my thighs] out. I gotta lean into it.”
— B (51:39)

“Spill the beans, you go, ‘what?’ The beans fall off your spoon and you’ve spilled the beans.”
— C (78:54)

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Highlighted Timestamps

• 00:00–01:51 | Roller coasters, “Wildcat vs. Beast” debate
• 04:28–05:56 | Water parks and racial/cultural shifts
• 07:42–08:56 | Sean’s infamous water park accident
• 09:01–10:41 | Family trauma holiday traditions (BetterHelp riff)
• 17:01–24:46 | “Slider” vs. “Glover” debate, Skank Fest prank planning
• 39:54–40:55 | Shane’s bleak single-man holiday plans
• 66:11–69:49 | Nate’s urgent care butt exam, oversharing blow-by-blow
• 52:01–54:55 | School memories, childhood insecurities
• 59:01–62:59 | Media roundtable, “spilling the tea,” lamenting lack of podcast gossip

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Tone & Language

The podcast sticks to the duo’s hallmark crude, shamelessly honest, and self-deprecating style. The camaraderie is laced with blue-collar absurdism, frequent callbacks, and enough anatomical/bodily humor to make even loyal listeners cringe and howl. Sensitive social issues and personal foibles are met with relentless riffing; nothing is off-limits, but the self-awareness and mutual roasting keep things from ever turning mean-spirited.

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For Listeners New and Old

This episode is a classic example of what Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast offers: a chaotic but endearingly genuine mix of nostalgia, adult failings, and razor-sharp riffing—interspersed with the kind of over-the-top personal stories only true friends (with microphones and no filter) would share. Highlights include in-depth childhood shame, visions for American bum-based performance culture, and grotesquely candid medical misadventures. Amid all the mayhem, listeners might just catch a wisp of real wisdom—and will definitely laugh.

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Catch the next episode (or the Patreon) for more behind-the-scenes stories, questionable wisdom, and tales of butt-related calamity.

Transcript

[A]

Wild Wild West.

[B]

Oh, no. They don't even tell me I was that king. It was not on the Kingdom coaster. It offers gentle thrills with smooth turns and small hair time.

[C]

What are you talking about? Look at the size of the cat.

[B]

No, the size of the cat. Yeah. The cat I think is. Let me see.

[C]

Brother. Just feast your eyes.

[B]

I see the thing's nasty as hell.

[C]

Size of the cat.

[B]

So you know what? You know what the Beast does? The Beast versus the wildcat. The wildcat beast is newer.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

It's the longest too. It's kind of.

[C]

It's kind of cap the beast, Dude.

[B]

Beast is long. Wildcat heard your park. Yeah. Wild. The Wildcat is like higher. I think it has. Of course it is.

[A]

It's huge.

[C]

It's so scary.

[B]

Dang. Dude. Bro. A classic figure eight design which often focuses on the cla. Okay.

[C]

Wildcat's just an out and back classic.

[B]

So the force. The forces on the Wildcat are rougher. You want to. If you ride the Beast. You want to claim the largest wooden roller coaster in the world. It's like. You know what I mean?

[C]

When was the beast constructed?

[B]

I don't know. But my thing is it's not as rough and tumble as the Wildcat. So the Beast is like a longer ride. Which gives it the biggest quote unquote wooden roller coaster in the world. But we're talking G forces here. So.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

Probably built a long time ago.

[C]

It's fucking 1979.

[B]

79.

[C]

It's the biggest. There's nothing I can say.

[B]

Don't know. No.

[C]

I was wrong. There's nothing I can do.

[B]

Don't get down on Hershey, Dude. Hershey's. It's still Hershey. Has a scarier wooden roller coaster that's probably higher.

[C]

I'm telling you. I busted my lip on the Wildcats. And this guy's gonna wear an I survived Hershey shirts. You're gonna steal valley like that.

[B]

How'd you bust your lip on the Wildcat?

[C]

The thing comes to a screeching hole. Smack my face. It was nothing to me, dude. Spent the rest of the day bloodied up.

[B]

What would you rather do if you're at a Dorney Park? You go into the amusement park or wild water kingdom.

[C]

As a young man. The water park as old man.

[B]

You're saying now Old man.

[C]

I'd like to not. Yeah, because when you're a young man. That's getting soaked at a park Is a young man's game. I didn't give a. I would walk around just drenched all day now. I'd be so mad.

[B]

You don't realize how I went to a water park recently. You don't realize how up you get on those slots. You get elbow burns non stop. Dude. I got off and I was like.

[C]

God, my first water ride I was on was with you in South Carolina. Never again, dude. Right up first turn, I got flipped off the raft and yeah. Slowly landed in the pond. It's also like family's.

[B]

The water slide isn't. Yeah. It's an absolute vacuum seal on your dick. Get off that thing. You're like, yo, dude, the tina is fully.

[C]

Yeah, gym shorts.

[B]

My tinas could be preserved indefinitely in that bathing suit.

[C]

It was vacuum sealed. It was tight. It's crazy, dude.

[B]

I think we had also regular gym shorts on, which is. Yeah, that's not the move.

[C]

I had to wait in the pool until Matt could get us towels.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I was like, dude, I for real can't get out of this. People were just coming down, landing next to me, and I was like, Matt came back with a hotel towel. So it was like this big. I just covered Martinas, hopped into the lazy river, had the Tinas in the.

[B]

Yeah, there were. I remember that we had. We're the only people adults there without kids. So we were just like riding behind. Like, a guy would be like down the bottom waiting for his child.

[C]

You see Shade, he'd be like, hit him with the title, then with a big wave. So, dude, yeah, boy, up there. I've avoided water parks since I kind of.

[B]

I went to one in indoor last summer and I. It was pretty nice. The lines are just ridiculous, man. Yeah, Especially when you're like, you know, you're there with your kids, you're like, you know, got a bust and move. You're going to my wife. I'm like, all right, hit the kids for a second. I'm going to run the slide. 35 minute wait. I'm just looking down, seeing her tapping her foot. I'm like, she'll be fucking pissed about this. Told you I stopped a young fat boy. Try to do the old, like, all my friends are up there kind of thing. And I will hit him with the. You stop. You go to the back.

[C]

You can wait.

[B]

I was like, tell your friends to go back and wait with you. And they actually. He went and got his friends.

[C]

Oh, he was telling the truth.

[B]

Nah, man, that can't be doing that. There's a lot of butters going on in those water parks, bro. And I like to shut it down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know I don't have a lot of authority over anybody, but I'm pretty sure I can take a couple chubby 10 year olds.

[C]

I feel like water parks have become a minorities game.

[B]

Oh yeah, big time. They kind of. It kind of always were. They scouted them hard.

[C]

From where I'm from, they weren't no around.

[B]

I'm saying I think they scouted them hard in the 90s because they were white. The whites definitely controlled the yard in the water park in the 90s.

[C]

But then we did control, control the yard, dude. But that was because that was our generation of whites.

[B]

True.

[C]

We used to control the yard heavily. Saw some black kids. You could not afraid to hit some slurs at the water park. You could yell anything back then.

[D]

True.

[C]

Water is our world though.

[B]

True.

[C]

Come into the lazy river and find out.

[B]

Felt like Kevin Costner in the wave pool. He's like, I am world.

[C]

When we were there, it was the hard working river. Nate, did you get to some water parks with your shirt on?

[A]

No, I was, I was. I went. I went topless.

[C]

Really?

[A]

I went topless.

[B]

Were you shredded as a kid, like.

[C]

No, I wasn't. That wasn't a fat thing. That was just black people wear shirts. Socks.

[A]

I would do socks. I would do socks. Or I would do water shoes. You gotta do water shoes. I would do water shoes to this day, bro.

[B]

Water shoes is so crazy.

[A]

Walking around barefoot in there is crazy.

[B]

No, it's not.

[C]

No, not when you're a young, young man. When you're a young woman.

[B]

No, dude. Black from a young age. Black people get it drilled in their heads. Their bare feet can never touch the earth.

[C]

Not to touch the earth. They're never grounded.

[B]

They're never grounded.

[C]

They've never grounded.

[B]

Dude, sneakers on in the house. No bare feet. They're never grounded.

[C]

Slipper sneakers on the house is a white person thing. No slippers in the house.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

True sneakers.

[B]

It's sometimes in the house there's house shoes. I've learned there's. There's such things there. Shoes for the house. I guess I have sneakers in the house. It's pure white trash.

[C]

That's just white trash. And nothing bothers me more than going to someone's house and they're like, take your shoes off. We have slippers next to the door. Y' all gotta wear slippers now. With these jeans I look like a.

[B]

Or just don't provide any slippers. Just let your. Because I just. It took me a while, but it is like if you take your shoes off and you don't wear them like I don't. We try not to put any shoes on our second floor, but every now and again I like already have my shoes on and like my wallets upstairs. And I walk up and I'm just like thinking of all the piss I stepped in in the airport in the bedroom and they had a bathroom. I'm like, well, whatever. I used to do this every day for years. It'll be fine. Yeah, but. Yeah, no, that's.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

Yeah. I said I like water parks, man.

[C]

Water parks rule.

[B]

They. They're sick, man. What'd you do? You got wet and wild.

[D]

Yeah, at the Schlitterbahn. I invited Nate, but he didn't want to come.

[B]

The aqua socks were two day prime shipping they were gonna get. Yeah.

[D]

It was fun though. Schlitter bond. Check it out.

[C]

That's what you got. Thank you.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

No jokes, nothing funny about it.

[B]

Yeah. What the hell happened?

[C]

What happened there? Did anything good happen?

[D]

Yeah, well, the lazy river was pretty fun. Yeah, they. It was actually called the torrent river because they. It was like a wave pool mixed with a lazy river.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

That's really fun.

[D]

I feel like they probably could have named it the crazy river instead of.

[B]

The torrent Crazy River.

[C]

Crazy river would have been good.

[B]

I heard when you went down one of the speed slides, your penis went up your butt. You're going so fast and you liked it. Who told you that?

[C]

Your girlfriend told us. You popped it. You popped in your own butt. He said.

[B]

He said you bind yourself.

[D]

Well, that was a good invention.

[B]

Is it? A 16 year old boy had to pull you out of here.

[C]

He was starting a lawnmower. He's struggling, just ripping that thing out.

[B]

You to push down your nipples like the primer just to get you.

[C]

Is that true? Well, did your penis fly into your butt while you're going down? A slip inside and you came in your own butt? Yeah. And a 16 year old boy had to pull it out, prime your nipples. Is that true?

[A]

That's.

[D]

Yeah, I wasn't gonna mention it, but that did happen.

[C]

Your girlfriend told us that.

[D]

Well, I'll have to talk to her about that.

[C]

You're going to have to have a talk with her.

[D]

I'm going to have to have a stern talk with you.

[C]

You can't keep telling people about the time my penis went in my butt.

[B]

Came in my.

[C]

When I came in my own bot at the slippage lot.

[B]

Just hitting the water right as you come in your butt.

[D]

It was fun though. Check it Out.

[B]

This is an ad by Better Help.

[C]

Oh, the help with the better.

[B]

Every year my family and I do this tradition around the holidays where what are things you do every year during the holidays? Family traditions. What? Me and my family gather around the Christmas tree and we talk about the single most traumatic event of our lives.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And then we just kind of just talk about it, you know, it's pretty nice.

[C]

Then I head down to the basement once I get the juicy deets and I. And I process it the best way I can, the only way I know how, because I. Well, what else is going on?

[B]

Everyone celebrates the holidays in their own way. But one tradition I think we should all get behind. Taking better care of ourselves.

[C]

That's what I do.

[B]

Especially during this time of year. It can be stressful trying to meet everyone's expectations and plans, including your own. Or maybe you're feeling lonely.

[C]

Oh yeah, you feel a little lonely. You've got stress built up. Oh, that's when you head down to mommy and daddy's basement.

[B]

Either way, it's okay to take a moment for yourself. Play a game, go to a show, splurge on a weekend getaway.

[C]

I splurge on my parents couch.

[B]

Or book a session with a credit. Oh you could, you could book a session with a credentialed therapist from BetterHelp.

[C]

I'm gonna book a session therapy.

[B]

It's a great way to make sure you focus on yourself.

[C]

I'm gonna focus on myself. I'm gonna focus all over myself.

[B]

It's making it absolutely easy to connect with the right therapist.

[C]

Come on, give me one hand. Dr. Feel good.

[B]

Just fill out these short questions. Just fill out their short questionnaire. They'll do the rest. BetterHelp has an industry leading match fulfillment rate. Even if they don't get it right the first time, you can easily choose a different therapist from their tailored recommendations.

[C]

Guys, this December start a new tradition by taking care of you. Our listeners get 10 off. Betterhelp.com MSSP that's better. AGLP.com MSSP the help with the better.

[B]

Yeah. Anyway, I stand by the wildcat. After reviewing.

[C]

No dude, I know you're being nice and you're being a good friend because you were right. You were right about the beast. I was wrong about the wildcat.

[B]

I. I just heard. I didn't know that was. Look at the tallest or something. Why the.

[C]

Why did they tell me that?

[B]

Dude, it's the largest wooden roller coaster. Also no one knew any other. It was like pre Internet.

[C]

So no one can just Go. This is the biggest thing ever.

[B]

Yeah. No one could be like, well, there's actually a big one in, you know, wherever.

[C]

Ohio.

[B]

They didn't even know, but you know, where the Ohio was. Why do you think. This is a question I was thinking of recently. Why do you think they made you memorize the capitals of the states? Was that like, some sort of, like, military knowledge? Was there some sort of practical benefit of that that comes from, like, the military, or was that just like.

[C]

I think it's a good thing to know why it's important. Dude, I went to the capitol in Idaho this weekend.

[B]

Boise.

[C]

Yeah. I just. Bro, you can just walk right in.

[B]

Really?

[C]

I mean, I don't know if I should tell everyone, but. Yeah, you just walk right in. I mean, you can walk into most capitals, but you could walk into the governor's. We went to the governor's office. What? Just walked in. What's up? Just talk to the guy. He was signing a bill or some.

[B]

What.

[C]

He was pretty nice. That is a nice fella. We got a picture together. And then I was like, I don't know. I wonder what his politics are. Because I just. It's a nice endorsement photo.

[B]

Also, I heard Idaho's in a tracksuit.

[C]

Like, my bad. I didn't know I was gonna meet the governor today.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I dressed like a fool. I was in sweatpants.

[B]

I mean, how could you have known?

[C]

I had no idea. We were walking up the steps, and these two dudes walked out, and we're like, you can just walk in. I was like, all right. Dang, we'll do it.

[B]

It's kind of. I guess. Yeah. Well, Philly's not the capital, but you can just like, walk in city hall. Oh, no, no, you can't. Actually, you gotta. There's, like, a signing desk.

[C]

You're right.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know, man. I. I heard Idaho is kind of a wild state. Hers.

[C]

It was a good state.

[B]

I heard it's nice. But I heard if you go to, like. I think it's like, northern Idaho. The whites. I think the whites are running the yard.

[C]

They run the yard. Yeah, for sure.

[B]

Northern Idaho. I heard it's very.

[C]

For sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. That's where all the craziest whites are.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like that and, like, Washington and Oregon out there.

[B]

Yeah. But I also heard Idaho is, like, one of the. It was like, a sneaky kind of destination. Like, people started buying places up out there.

[C]

So the governor was telling me. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, the Kardashians.

[C]

He was saying there's. We've. Had half a million people every year. It's too many people.

[B]

No, it's. Apparently, Idaho is a sneaky. I'm probably making it worse, but it's a sneakily.

[C]

Yeah, you probably shouldn't have said you can just walk into the governor's office. How many people listen in Idaho, by the way?

[B]

That's on him, man. He better beef up his security.

[C]

There was a woman. There was a second. There was a secretary desk. And she was like, come in.

[B]

Yeah, he's just a lady. Go. Wait. He doesn't have an appointment. You go get the.

[C]

Out of the way. Excuse me, I have to meet with the governor.

[B]

I'm taking a selfie with the governor right now.

[C]

Yeah, it's pretty sick.

[B]

That's cool. I met a politician in Salt Lake City, a guy running for mayor, and he had. I was at, like. It was like an outdoor. It was like a farmer's market. And he was like, yeah, usually, you know, this is like this park. I was like, it's a beautiful park. And he was like, yeah, it's usually like, there's a lot of homeless people here. And I'm like, oh, that's sick. You don't see any here right now. He's like, well, the police came and removed him. I was like, dude, fuck, yeah. And he was like, no, it's actually a travesty. I'm running against that. It's very mean, the fact that they came and I was like, oh, shit, my bad, brother.

[C]

I'm all for it. Every single time. Every single time. They're like, we rounded them up and got them out. I'm like, good job. I don't know where you put them in Utah. Where are you gonna take them? The mountains, maybe. Let them donner party out there, grub on each other for a month.

[B]

I was just coming from the point of like, yeah, this. If there were a bunch of homeless people milling around, this would be a, you know, less elevated experience, obviously. Yeah, just kind of. It's a fucking bummer, bro.

[C]

We went from Boise, where the whites are definitely holding down the yard, to then Portland, where the whites are still holding down the yard, but the nasty, evil whites. True, rotten, crusty whites, dude. It was Portland. Fucking this crazy. Portland's a good city. It is a great city. We had a different experience. We had a very nice experience. I tried to go back to that same bar and got fucking murdered. It was. The bar was right next to the venue. It was nice. Yeah. There's no cool motorcycle guys riding in circles. Yeah, they Were having a good time last time we were there. But this time, there was the bums. The bums have won, Lebowski. Ah, the bums won. I saw a colonoscopy bag on the ground filled with, like, saw right next to a giant dead rat. And then just think, the rat ate the.

[B]

And died. Yeah.

[C]

It was.

[B]

That sucks.

[C]

Yeah, they gotta clean it up because it's such a beautiful city.

[B]

Yeah. Portland rules the thing. And again, it's like, what do you do with a guy who just lays on the ground? There's nothing you can do.

[C]

No.

[B]

Except. Yeah, I don't. You have, like, how do you get him pumped? You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah. You put meth under, like, a box with a stick. All right, we got another one.

[B]

Doesn't even trap. It just falls on him. We got him. This episode is brought to you by Monster Ultra. Everyone knows the white monster.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

That clean, white can, zero sugar, crisp. It's everywhere lately. Gyms, airports, studios, you name it, you name it. People toss it in their bags before training or on a long drive. Oh, yeah, big flavor, zero sugar. Same Monster Energy kit.

[C]

All right.

[B]

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[C]

I will visit Monster Energy.com to learn more.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know, man. We. You could do a thing where it's like, you know, they gave the Nazi soldiers meth, something like that. But then, like, you know, better programming.

[C]

Obviously you want to invade somewhere.

[B]

Blitzkrieg with job. With job applications.

[C]

Take Vancouver Blitzkrieg.

[B]

We should just. Yeah, we. That'd be a nice little undercover op. Just like, meth them up and be like, yo, that's the Canadian border. I bet you can't get in there.

[C]

I was thinking about just shipping them to my enemies houses. Like, like, somebody I don't like.

[B]

Talking about, like, ordering one up and being.

[C]

Just going to downtown Austin, get a mega bus. Yeah, that's cheap as go. You guys are headed to the town of one of my. I'm just going to lower the property value in whatever town my enemy lives in.

[B]

And this is kind of what politicians were doing.

[C]

They were really doing it. But I'm saying you can do that at a personal level.

[B]

Oh, you could for sure.

[C]

You can. Just get them on a bus. Go. I'll give each of you 100 bucks.

[B]

Yeah, there was A guy. I saw a video of a guy claiming that he would go around, pay homeless people 25 bucks for their Social Security birth date and all this stuff. Take out credit cards in their name. Oh, my God. And cash advances. He would just get, like, tons of money from all these people. And then he would get a cell phone with that money and put it in that guy's name as well and hand that guy the cell phone. And then somehow he would set it up to where he would do, like, a purchase, but it went back to that cell phone. The police would track it and arrest the homeless person.

[C]

It's a win.

[B]

Win. Yeah, it was kind of awesome.

[C]

Look, I know we're being rude to the homeless. We are. But they've been rude to me.

[B]

They have.

[C]

They can yell at me, they scream at me.

[B]

They can be rude. But, you know, again, it's. They do yell. They scream, they taunt.

[C]

But, you know, in Portland, I heard so many screams. Like, just down the street, you just hear the. Basically the guy that scared the queen. I was the queen. I would hear someone scream, and I'd be rushed away. James McCain would grab me and rush me into a building.

[B]

That's the funniest video still to this day of a guy just screaming and ruining the whole thing.

[C]

I heard several of those. San Francisco had the bums. Yeah, they had the bums still. We. Me and we had to run from a bum for chasing us.

[B]

That was he chasing for.

[C]

We went to look at the sea lions at the, like, wharf, and there was just a big bum. He was a tall boy.

[B]

It's a landline.

[C]

Yeah, he was. He was a tall boy and his pants were both ripped straight down. So he was wearing, like. I don't know. He looks like the scream guy. His clothes were all, like, loose, but he was on. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he was just.

[B]

We got. We got to get those homeless boys some knee pads, bro.

[C]

Some face slide.

[B]

Sliders, dude. We got to turn them to sliders.

[C]

Now.

[B]

This is.

[C]

This is the type of forward thinking. We could have the sickest country on earth if we had a billion sliders in every city.

[B]

I would pay them, bro.

[C]

They could make a good living if they just started sliding.

[B]

Someone's got to hook them up with Venmo, too, because, like, nobody has cash anymore.

[C]

I saw some bums with Venmos. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But it's like, you gotta slide for me, Poppy. If I'm gonna be giving. If I'm gonna be throwing out cash, my Words exactly.

[C]

I said to him, I said, bro, you got a Venmo sign you need to slide for me. Poppy.

[B]

Or glove? I would take gloving, too. If they were gloving, I'd be like, all right, that's fair.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I hate to admit it, but I think I might be more of a Glover than a slider. If I'm.

[C]

That's ridiculous.

[B]

I'm sorry. I know sliding is obviously way more mask and tough, but sliding so sick.

[C]

You saw the pig. Guys, dude, I know.

[B]

I've seen. Sliding's nasty as hell. I'm just saying, deep down inside, I might be a Glover. Sliding sick. But imagine if we pitched out this house black or total, you know, no lights, and I was fucking.

[C]

Okay, I hear you. Think of somebody who's sliding there. Sparks. Sparks at night.

[B]

True.

[C]

Come on.

[B]

All right, that's fair.

[C]

It depends, though, if you.

[B]

If.

[C]

I will say, if I was on psychedelics, the Glovers would rock.

[B]

Dude, a slider could take you to a dark place if you're. If you're on mushrooms and some dude with, like, ghoul pain.

[C]

But that. Yeah, that's exactly both of our habits, you know?

[B]

True.

[C]

I like alcohol. If I was drunk watching sliders. Yeah. Yeah, dude. If I was drunk watching the glove guy, I'd be like, dude, get the out of here. Your hands out of my face. But if you got. Yeah. Psychedelics in the sliders would really ruin it. This guy's a idiot. This is crazy.

[B]

Just the face paint alone.

[C]

This is somebody's son. He's doing slide. He's sliding on the road in Sacramento. Idiot.

[B]

But, yeah, we continue to search for, you know, something for the homeless to do, and I think sliding.

[C]

Sliding is a very good start.

[B]

That's definitely a plan.

[C]

I haven't heard of any good options.

[B]

Dude, imagine. Imagine you go to apply for, like, a warehouse, like, right outside your interview.

[C]

So I can slide into the interview.

[B]

Slide. Or just do the sparks on your pants.

[C]

Or again, they'll break out the gloves. During the mid interview, do you have any special talents to go.

[B]

Yeah, hold on. Turn up like, you turn the lights off.

[C]

You're hired. You're the CEO now.

[B]

I'm also down with raw gloves.

[C]

What are we talking about? What about a sliding Glover? Put it. Slide into the meeting. Hit the glove, slide out.

[B]

Yeah. What is the either war distinction all about? Why can't you be both for real?

[C]

True, true.

[B]

That'd be so. That'd be so nasty. I swear to God.

[C]

Sliders are holding down the yard, though. They're definitely beating the out of the Glover guys. Sliders are nuts.

[B]

I mean, definitely. How many sliders.

[C]

How many undercover sliders do you think were at Skank Fest? How many undercovered sliders? There had to be seven to eight sliders there.

[B]

I mean, dude, this next one, Skank.

[C]

Fest, dude, that's ruined Skank Fest. Let's hire bums to go to SK.

[B]

Fest.

[C]

Wherever they book it. Let's ship a thousand bumps and sliders.

[B]

With strict instructions to slide.

[C]

All they have to do is chase Lewis. J. Gomez. We'll give him a picture of Lewis. Whenever you see this man chasing.

[B]

We'd have to if. If they do. If they do it on like an island. I think X is going to be on an island. We might have to have like an amphibious operation to get. We'd have to get them over. We need a duck boat.

[A]

We need.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

We need H boats from D day. Just lower the doors, let them slide out.

[B]

Yeah. Damn, that'd be so funny.

[C]

I mean, putting sliders in any situation is hilarious.

[B]

Dude. I'm surprised no one's slid at skankfast yet. It's common.

[C]

People are sliders. We're gonna. We should just at least hire some sliders as a gift to Skank Fest.

[D]

True.

[C]

You never saw sliders.

[D]

Aiden doesn't know what sliders or glovers are.

[B]

Hey, welcome to the revolution, bro.

[C]

You're gonna sit around and say white people don't have culture. Sliders and glovers. Holy.

[B]

Dude. For real. That'd be nice for skank fan. Skank Fest 10 to be like, dude, we got you, skank fan. Yeah. For 10 for Skank Fest. X, if we just said. And it's like, hey, hold an hour slot for us.

[C]

We're just doing a talent show and.

[B]

Just have sliders and gloves. Glovers.

[C]

I'm not kidding. I would absolutely do that. Skankfest10, you and me will have a live show.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Sliders versus Glovers.

[B]

That'd be awesome. We should just pre record. Just pre record and have us on the tv.

[C]

Yeah, true. We don't have to go. Just zoom in. Just zoom.

[B]

Oh, welcome. Thank you, everybody. It's like if we died for them. We were like, you know, sending a message.

[C]

The future that's you have made it here.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Excellent.

[C]

Now an hour and a half of guys sliding.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know everyone knew about the sliders. They were hitting my algo and I was like, how did you keep that to yourself for so long? I told every single.

[C]

I was sharing them Just me and one guy just going back and forth sharing sliders.

[B]

I'm thinking hopefully our. Your algo might have charge mine and hit me with the slider material because it's my. I was on Glovers for a while.

[C]

Who do you guys like? Who do you like more? Nate, do you like sliders or Glovers?

[A]

The Glovers are weirder to me. They freaked me out, actually.

[C]

Yeah, that's some type of hypnotism magic.

[A]

It was. It was too much individual finger movement, like, together. I didn't like those two choreographs. Sliders just come in, slide. So I do something cool. Maybe drag their head across.

[B]

Yeah, hold on. But who do you.

[C]

You gotta show them the sparks.

[B]

I saw the sparks. My question is, so if. If you're at like a. Like an all black barbecue, who do you think would be tolerated better? A Glover or Slider Glover?

[C]

Every side might begin his ass beat.

[A]

No, I think Slide is gonna get like. Glover's gonna be like, get that out of here. But sliders is gonna be like, oh, every time he slides.

[C]

That's a good point.

[B]

But fate. No face paint, though. Obviously. You couldn't wear the demonish, the demonic face paint.

[A]

No, you could.

[C]

They like that.

[A]

It depends on the time.

[C]

I love, like, the purge masks. I love the purge. I mean.

[A]

Slide in the shisty. I can't wait till we start.

[B]

Slide.

[A]

Y' all don't want to see us.

[C]

Yeah. Did you what that shisty.

[B]

Oh, I didn't bring it. I know. I forgot my shisty. I should have worn it.

[C]

I was right when he said it, I was like, damn, Matt's probably holding that, trying to break that out.

[B]

I should have busted me with it.

[C]

When I'm not looking.

[B]

I should have put that thing on. I gotta get that. My wife is threatened to throw it out. I told her I was gonna throw away all her pocketbooks if she throws away my chest. I was like, I'll throw all your dumb purses out. She knows I'm thugging.

[C]

She knows. Yeah, she knows he's a bad boy.

[B]

I want to post up. It's gonna post up. And trap. She just finally got out of the trap. She was literally the trap with me.

[C]

You can't start trapping again, bro.

[B]

Please.

[C]

I know. The streets are calling.

[B]

I'd be so nice. I think about it now that I could literally probably buy like a thousand pounds of weed and just go dumb. Be so sick.

[C]

You could, like, really get arrested.

[B]

Oh, I know. I could go really crazy. I can get like a shipping first of all, I can buy a shipping container, and I could probably fill it. That'd be so tight.

[C]

You zoom. From prison.

[B]

They have tablets.

[C]

I wonder if we could.

[B]

I. I probably could get some sort of, like, program.

[C]

Bro, that'd be. The podcast would go through the roof if you were in jail.

[B]

The only thing I thought about it, I used to think about all the time. If I go to jail, I'd be like, they'll. If I got out, it'd still be sick. It'd be fine. Yeah, but. Yeah, no, they have tablets now in prison. I just found that out.

[C]

I'll give you some verses from the phone. Remember, they used to do that on rap albums. I would call in from the jail.

[B]

Hey, what's up, Shane?

[C]

Yeah, this is what I was thinking about.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be. I think about trapping all the time, dude. It'd be so tight. Be so. Because I could actually get, like, a bad guy HQ now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Be so fun.

[C]

You have a layer. You have black guys in purge masks, dude. And sliders.

[B]

I could get a van and a layer henchmen. That'd be sick as hell. And I could just. Just pulling into your own bad guy layer and, like, having guys just lower the garage door. That's all I want. That's all I want.

[C]

That's fair. That's something you should aspire to.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Bad guy layer. Just guys pulling up a door.

[B]

Yep. I remember there was, like, a warehouse. I knew someone that had, like, a warehouse set up, and I was so jealous. I would go in there and buy weed and I'd be. This is so sick. You have a warehouse. They had a gun in their warehouse. It was awesome. If anyone knocked up, they'd just be like, who the is that? Like, damn, that's so sick. You should shoot that guy right now. That'd be awesome.

[C]

Yes, I. I'd like that. If you got. I might turn on you, though. I don't like that. I don't like that stuff.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

I don't like you trapping, dude. I would. I would report you.

[B]

That'd be nice, too.

[C]

I'd start wearing a wire. You'd have. You'd have to have me strip at Gunp.

[B]

Just. You're at a cafe. You're at, like, an outdoor cafe with the FBI. Like, he just brought in a thousand pounds of Skittles.

[C]

He's making Skizzlers again.

[B]

Yeah, I did make gummies, but regular gummies. I made regular gummy bears. It was kind of nice. Made it for my kids.

[C]

How Were they received?

[B]

They're. They. You know what, man? They're. They're kind of nasty about it because I. Yeah, well, I didn't let them, like, dry enough, so they were like, these are yucky. And I was just like, the first batch they liked and the second ones.

[C]

She said, well, I just can't do anything right.

[B]

I try so hard.

[C]

What else is going on?

[B]

Hell, again. That coffee cup trying to kill me? It's probably the Sinaloa cartel.

[C]

True.

[B]

They heard about my Skittles.

[C]

Yeah. Donald Trump's gonna blow up your boat. You could be in Lake Austin and get a drone strike on your drunk boat.

[B]

No, I was telling you this weekend, I. Who the hell's that? Someone just said hello.

[C]

Hold on, Nate. Let's take a look at who this is.

[B]

Matt.

[C]

It's an amazing time of year to be a sports fan. We've got the battle for the natty elite. Hoops every night and cold weather football with playoff spots on the line with all the picks to choose from. It's like a holiday spread every night on prize picks where it's always good to be right. You and I make loads of decisions during the holidays. Being right can get you paid.

[B]

There's so much sports action to unwrap during the holidays. And on prize picks, whatever sports you're into, whoever you support, it always feels so good to be right. Now let's get into this. Who's looking good and who are you picking against?

[C]

I am picking more on Saquon Barkley yards. I think he's really picked up his running game.

[B]

I like that.

[C]

Also, you know, I like what Kenny Gainwell is doing in Pittsburgh. I wouldn't be surprised to hit a little more on Kenny.

[B]

Kenny Gainwell. I like that.

[C]

Yeah. That's what I would like to do. Personal story, a time where you were confident making a pick that fell apart. Never.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock yours in yours. There's no better place than prize picks. Take it. Take it from there, Matt.

[B]

You gotta love how straightforward prize picks is. You don't have to spend a lot of time trying to calculate your payouts. Prize picks makes it easy to win with their payout multipliers. Whether it's just a simple 3x or a big 2000x, prize picks makes it easy to understand how much you can win. Join millions of users and sign up for America's number one fantasy sports app. Download the prize picks app today and use code drenched to get fifty dollars in lineups. After you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code drenched to get fifty dollars in lineUps. After you play your first five Dollar lineup.

[C]

Price picks.

[B]

It's gonna be right.

[C]

I'm gonna be right. Hey, we're back.

[B]

Yeah. Salesman interrupted the flow.

[C]

It was door to door salesman. I saw him try to hit you with it. Hold on now. Oh, bro, these guys have been hit with the algorithm.

[B]

Like, how to be a salesman, how to conquer objections. Yeah.

[C]

The objection of just like, yo, get.

[B]

The out of here. Literally, like, dude, beat it coming over. Yeah. Coming out with a dude, beat it stuff. He wanted to, I think, remodel your entire house.

[C]

I should have let him. I'm renting.

[B]

True.

[C]

Yeah. Tear down every wall. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's also like, if you're doing door to door sales, there's got to be something in it for me in terms to listen to it. You know what I mean? Like, for the podcast. At least we do a podcast and then there's ads. He should have to do like a solo. Like, five minute solo cast.

[C]

True.

[B]

Come up and be like, dude, that shit's crud. You hear about that.

[C]

Should have brought him in and been like, all right, give us your sales pitch.

[B]

Hit us with the pitch. And it's like, hold on. Yeah, we could have done it for some Andy Elliott action. Andy Elliott. I saw a clip of him. Yeah, let me see. Let me see. Bro, if you're not ripped.

[A]

No way.

[B]

He. I think someone was talking on him in the comments, and then he somehow found the guys where he worked. Oh, no. And called the guy and gave him a chance to, like, overcome his objections and role play. And the guy froze. And he was just like, that's what it's about, man. The guy froze. He blew.

[C]

I see him call people and I'm like, I would have been that guy. They called me like, I saw you have a 2007 Honda on the lot. I'd be like, like, yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah, I don't.

[C]

Do you want to come in and look at it? It's on the website. It's probably up there. All right, see you.

[B]

Now the guy started going like, I can't hear you. He's like, you can hear me. I know you can hear me. Don't do that. I was also. I was like, that's a good move. I would have done that, too.

[C]

I only had one guy hit me with that, and it was a Chinese man.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. He came in, he wanted to know every single thing about the Honda Odyssey. I Didn't know one thing about it. He's like, take the middle seats out. I want to see how it looks without seats. And I was like, all right. Couldn't. I didn't know how. Couldn't get the ones. I couldn't move any of the seats. I was like, this is. I don't know how to do it.

[B]

You should be like, bro, this is going to be your car. I want to see you get familiar with this.

[C]

You go ahead now, see, Matt, that would make you an expert salesman. I just bent over. It was like, jesus Christ. Fucking shit.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

I can't do it.

[B]

How did he take that?

[C]

He was very mad and he left. Left what? He didn't like my. He didn't like me.

[B]

Just that you couldn't take the seats out.

[C]

Yeah, he wanted an honorable yeah. He wanted somebody who cared.

[B]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[C]

I actually got in trouble for that.

[B]

For not being able to take this.

[C]

Yeah. Because my manager came over. It was like, what's going on? He was like, your salesman doesn't know how to do anything. Like, he can't. He doesn't know anything about this car.

[B]

Geez.

[C]

I was like, he's right.

[B]

Yeah. He got me, the manager train you on how to take the doors out.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

He was like, sit down and read the pamphlet about the Honda Odyssey.

[B]

I just fuck that.

[C]

Sat at my desk and probably got on a video game on my computer. Got on Sporkle, did, like, top five Heismans from each year. Sat down.

[B]

Yeah. Reading the manual. It's crazy.

[C]

No shot.

[B]

That's absolutely insane. My dad tries to hold it down, so you need that. Most mechanics just read that manual and figure out everything, you know? I'm like, bro, get the out of here. He, dude, he claims he checks his oil every time he fills up his gas. I'm like, dude, you're the biggest liar. You gotta check your. Every time you get a gas, check your oil. And I'm like, there's a gauge. That's what I'm saying.

[C]

I can look at it.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Now he holds it down. He's like, dude, that oil runs out your whole car. I've actually. I was, like, terrified forever, thinking my car is gonna stop working one day.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Guard dog got a little oil on his dipstick at the water. His old dipstick went right in the gas tank.

[B]

Dude. It was crazy because I heard after his dick went up his butt, he turned on his belly and went down backwards, which, when he hit the Water jammed it up.

[C]

Oh, no.

[D]

It was crazy.

[C]

Is that true? It was a deep pie. The deep self pie.

[D]

Yeah, that's true.

[C]

Unfortunately, it was a canoli in your WP butt. Little wop canoli. You nasty.

[B]

Yeah. I'm sorry. It's happened for real, man. I'm really. It's got to be tough. Yeah.

[D]

But it's, you know, I'm all right now.

[B]

How many penile injuries are at the water park every year? There's got to be a good amount.

[C]

A lot, dude.

[B]

Yeah, there's got to be a lot of guys at least get thunderclapped on their balls. Thunderclap. Dude, I got what was called a thunderclap headache for the first time in my life. I was lifting weights and all and just boom. I had a massive headache out of nowhere. It was scary. I It. I looked it up. I was kind of pumped when I saw it was called literally a thunderclap headache. I was like, yeah, obviously that's. Yeah, that's sick.

[C]

It's like a Norse.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Some type of Viking headache, literally.

[B]

It's kind of what happened. Yeah, yeah, it was. It sucked, man. It came out of nowhere. I think I was just holding my breath too long and I was, yeah.

[C]

If you hold your breath.

[B]

Yeah, my face is bright red and I just got like a out of nowhere crazy headache. Then I went away. But yeah, that's what happens with like, you know, if you get like brain bleeding, you pop one of these things, you get a massive headache. And then said it is.

[C]

It is sad.

[B]

Scary, dude. I was scary. I think I saw my grandma died.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Probably, dude. Getting closer, bro. I'm getting closer to a thousand pound club. I'm at 8.

[C]

You're gonna get there.

[B]

825. I'm gonna get there. I got. You're bulking 175 pounds left.

[C]

The allegations are not going anywhere.

[B]

I'm. Dude, I'm down. Get. Bring in Derek for more places.

[C]

Bro, you're juicy.

[B]

I'll test.

[C]

Whenever we talk about it, me and.

[B]

The guys, you talk about how juiced I am.

[C]

Yeah, we got. Dude, we gotta do something. He's. His outburst of anger crazy. Matt called me the other day was just. What's up, you.

[B]

Piece of.

[C]

I'm tired of carrying this whole thing. You.

[B]

It's like, what the.

[C]

Matt, this isn't like you. Ever since you went to ways to Wells, you've been a real jerk.

[B]

Nah, natty. I'm all natty and I'm chill too. I'm natty and I got the chill to prove it.

[C]

No. And then your wife called me and was like, shane, I'm scared.

[B]

I actually believe that.

[C]

I was like, just hang in there a few more. He's gonna be all right soon. I'm gonna talk to him. I'm gonna get him off the juice.

[B]

I could believe that.

[C]

I came to his house to get him off the juice. He was shirtless in the garage. I was like, oh, it was dark in there too. What the are you doing in here? He was gloving, jacked. He's like, get the out of here. I'm gloving. Go hang out with your wow, wow. Slider friends. Now that's not a word we would use.

[B]

But no, I was on the juice.

[C]

But he was juiced up. That was weird. Making fun of somebody. You don't have to time save it.

[B]

Yeah, I do want to get some mass bells. Do you ever see those things? They're like kettlebells mixed with dumbbells. But you reach your hand inside of a steel ball and it's just like. But you can hold it from the inside. It's sick. You feel like mega man when it's on your hand. I saw those things the other day. I want them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's all I've been doing for that. Pretty chill. Yeah.

[C]

I'm trying to think what else is going on. Are you excited for Christmas? What are you gonna do for the holidays?

[B]

My house. We're staying right in Austin. Yeah. My wife's been trying to subvert my children into doing like a Christmas trip in Whistler, Canada. I keep trying to shut it down. She's like, it'd be nice. It'd be snowy. I'm like, you know, suck ass.

[C]

It's gonna be cool.

[B]

It would be cool. My problem is gifts. It's like, dude, you have to kids gifts. You can be like, you want to go somewhere it snows and like, yeah, but they just think a bunch of gifts are gonna appear in Canada. I'm like, I'm not shipping that and shipping it back. It's like, yeah, no shot.

[C]

I'm gonna have a buddy bleak Christmas. I gotta go. I'm gonna go to my parents and be.

[B]

That'll be sick.

[C]

A single man in. In my parents basement for a few days.

[B]

True.

[C]

Thanksgiving was tough. I was just down there jacking off. Yeah, I'm gonna do it again for Christmas. I'm gonna get get drunk and go to my parents basement. Jack off.

[B]

That would be. That's not bad. Not bad.

[C]

I hear you there Is some peace and quiet.

[B]

There's peace and quiet. But I do hear what you're saying.

[C]

I remember it's bleak.

[B]

I remember all my friends had kids and I would just go hang out. I didn't have kids. I remember I felt weird. I would like go to places and I'd be like man, I just wish I wasn't here.

[C]

Yeah, I'm not going to my friend's house.

[B]

You just feel weird.

[C]

I go, guys, ditch your family. Come to the bar.

[B]

True. Come fat, come fap.

[C]

And then I'm gonna jack off in my parents basement.

[B]

Shane, what are you doing down there?

[C]

Mom, I'm watching YouTube videos. Okay, just get to bed. Mom, it's 11 o'. Clock. I'm not even tired.

[B]

You think I go to sleep at 11? Yeah, right.

[C]

I'm old as. Yeah, that'll be dark.

[B]

What? What do you think? Like because you don't have a curfew, obviously you can come and go as you please. Your parents house. Where do you think the like, where do you think that ends in terms of like your freedom in that house? Where do you think they would stop you and go.

[C]

All right, Shane, that's if I was, if, if they, if it was like 3 or 4am yeah. And I was still in the kitchen like drinking by myself. They would be really sad. They would just be like we need to talk.

[B]

What if you pulled a sober all nighter?

[C]

I think they would support it if.

[B]

You did a sober all nighter. Just stayed up all night playing video games.

[C]

They would believe. They would think they were narcotics. I could do that.

[B]

What?

[C]

That might be a fun little Christmas. Just get a eight ball and dude, no alcohol. Just coke for just a coke binge for Christmas at my parents.

[B]

You should get like a ten thousand dollar suit and just do cocaine the entire time you're at your parents house.

[C]

It should go. It's full McGregor, just full McGregor before the Christmas tree just he gonna stand.

[B]

Your base just draped in finery too. Yeah, just pocket watch. That'd be so funny. You just. Especially if you only did a gentlemanly, just like a gentlemanly amount.

[C]

Yeah. And you could do like coke like when they did in like the 1800s.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[C]

Like just fully right in front of everyone. Just like.

[B]

That's the move. That's the move. And just hit all the rounds. Go see all your friends, kids and show up and be like what's up?

[C]

Blasted on coke.

[B]

Going to everyone's house, Business ideas out the wazoo.

[C]

Massive gifts. Yeah, I Got you a car I figured you guys could use. Honda Odyssey. I don't know how to take the seats out, but it's all yours.

[B]

Let me guys show you how this thing works. I forgot. Oh, that's actually good.

[C]

Yeah, that would be nice. No alcohol. Just coke. All nighter for three straight days.

[B]

Just $40,000 of chains.

[C]

So tight. Oh, I forgot to get you guys stuff. Here, take that.

[B]

Just go to people's houses and talk about, like, the terms of their mortgage. But you guys refi on this. What was the interest rate? Yep. I ran into some party monsters, dude, at the, at the show in Missouri. Violent Bob Ross, dude. Yeah, they were having a good time. And, yeah, I, I, that was the stickiest situation ever, because it was like, I was learning in real time, and he was a UFC guy, and then I was, you know, the classic thing. Obviously, you're gonna go. And after a couple of those, I was like, telling jokes while I would look with the side of my eye like, is this guy gonna tackle me and beat my asses? It came became increasingly clear, like, oh, I think this guy's kind of legit. And, and then, like, during the show, it got, you know, he was, he was just having too much fun. Kept just, you know, blurting stuff out in support of me, which is a tough one when you're like, dude, I know you're on my side, but just please, please chill.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And at one point, I kind of bratted out. I'm like, man, security's tight as hell in here, man. Jesus Christ. Good thing you guys are all over the case. And finally, a security after, like, this seventh time, a security guard comes up, and I'm looking at this guy and I'm going, dude.

[C]

Yeah, he was probably doing the same thing you were.

[B]

What?

[C]

Guy kept yelling. He was probably in the back, like, please, please, please, please. No, dude, please.

[B]

I think he was, dude, the guy's name's Violent Bob Ross. It's a sick name.

[C]

It is.

[B]

And the guy comes to, like, start the negotiations. And I just went, went, ah, give him one more chance.

[C]

Yeah, don't worry about it, bro.

[B]

I went like, we're not at the mothership, dude. I was like, I don't. This, we're just in the middle of Missouri. This guy's a. Yeah, he's gonna beat.

[C]

The out of him.

[B]

He could have. I was like, this guy could have killed. He could have killed me and him. And I was just like, you know what, man? Give him one more shot. You know, let's just, like, we can't get you out of here. This is just your show now and then.

[C]

But he did.

[B]

He chilled. And then towards the end, he started just like chirping a little. I'm like, bro, you have. We have 10 minutes. It was funny too, because I was generally worried the security was going to come back and try to kick him out.

[C]

Which, you know, you can't kick him out.

[B]

You literally can't remove the guy. So it was just funny. I remember it really felt like I was like when my kids wake up early and I'm like, dude, dude, come on. I know we're having. Just come on, dude. I don't want to see a horrible melee breakout. But yeah, so we chatted after the show. He was the man. He's good, bro. He was just. He was too excited.

[C]

He was fired up. Do you think it'd be wiser for me to go cocaine for Christmas or do you think I should go to lsd?

[B]

LSD would be chill.

[C]

Just take acid for three days at my parents.

[B]

Yeah, that would be super chill.

[C]

Kids come over.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be nice. Do you just munch? I have a little dropper. You could just do like half a hit in the morning.

[C]

You know me, that one didn't hit. Those did.

[B]

True. I mean, even just once on Christmas day, go to mass, little midnight mass. And stay up all night. Just watch slider videos.

[C]

But dad, come down. You got to see this. What the hell is this? God damn it. Please show Phil sliders. He's gonna be mad. He's gonna be genuinely mad about it. My mom will be like, well, that's nice. Is this. Are these your friends?

[B]

Yes. Oh, my God.

[C]

That's Nate. That's Nate Marshall.

[B]

Tell your mom what happened to Sean at the water park too.

[C]

I will. It was in the paper, Mom. My mom saw it was in the paper.

[B]

His beauties went up his butt that he flipped around on his stomach and smacked his ass on the water.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I didn't even think about how bleak that's going to be. I'm kind of bummed out. It'll be all right. I'll be all right.

[B]

Yeah, you're gonna rent a car. You can go to like a parking lot. Like peel out somewhere. You should just peel out in the park. True. The local. The police department will probably let you do it.

[C]

They would.

[B]

They pulled up like, guys, I had a lot on my mind. I just need to peel out.

[C]

Guys, I just turned 38. I'm living in my parents house. I should probably have A family by now.

[B]

I should be sliding right now.

[C]

You're the down syndrome guy, right? Yeah, that's me. The drunk guy.

[B]

Excuse me. I've rented this Mustang for a reason. And just.

[C]

Just be like, yeah, you'll never get me. You could never catch me. Slide, slide to the whip. They might be afraid if you hit the slide to the.

[B]

I'm gonna do a slide, then suicide by cop. Slide to the gun.

[C]

Slide straight to the gun. All right. This episode is brought to you by ZIP recruiter Matt, I need you to riff for me. Daddy, what do you like to watch around the holidays?

[B]

You know what I'm watching right now? Elf.

[C]

That's great.

[B]

Elf is. I swear to God, it might be the best Christmas movie ever. I've been laughing out loud the entire time. It just holds up.

[C]

But you got to keep in mind, whatever film you watch, it took a team of remarkably talented individuals to create.

[B]

Holy crap.

[C]

Writers. Yeah. Thought about either writers, actors, editors, set designers. When you need your own team to create something wonderful, use ZipRecruiter. Try it free at ZipRecruiter.com MSSP I'm.

[B]

Gonna bring that up to my wife tonight. We're watching Elf. I'm go. You know, it took a team of.

[C]

People, a team of extraordinarily.

[B]

Turn her on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

See, we're seeing right now that went through a camera that'll.

[C]

That'll blow her mind.

[B]

She'll love that.

[C]

Rated the number one hiring site based on G2, ZipRecruiter works fast to deliver results. Even faster than Santa delivering presents around the world in one night.

[B]

Watch it.

[C]

Wow. Don't ever besmirch ziprecruiter. Ziprecruiter. Immediately after you post your job, it's matching technology. We'll start connecting you with qualified candidates in your area.

[B]

Make your hiring a little merrier with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day.

[C]

That's crazy.

[B]

It's awesome. Just go to this exclusive web address right now to try ZipRecruiter for free. Ziprecruiter.com MSSP Again, that is ZipRecruiter.com MSSP ZipRecruiter.

[C]

The smartest way to hire. Awesome.

[B]

Hey, guys, please come out this weekend. I'll be in Syracuse, New York. Very big show. I'll be at the Funny Bone Comedy Club, Syracuse, New York. And then January 16th and the 17th, I'll be in Houston, Texas. And on the 17th, I'll be at the Majestic Theater in Dallas, Texas. Also going to be Hartford, Connecticut, Albany, New York, Las Vegas, and a bunch of other Cities. Go to mattmccusker.com for tickets. Thank you.

[C]

I just added shows today. April 4th, Chicago, April 17th, Nashville, April 18th, Charlotte, May 9th, Boston Garden. And those are on sale right now with pre sale code SG Live. Also the link. Please come to the link. Buy tickets now. That's not till July, but get those tickets now. That thing's gonna sell out and we're gonna have cool stuff. We're gonna have sliders.

[B]

It's gonna be so.

[C]

I swear to God, I'll get sliders.

[B]

Please do.

[C]

It's gonna be more of an event than a comedy show. There's gonna be cool stuff.

[B]

It's gonna be awesome.

[C]

If I can get a flyover.

[B]

Have a commercial pilot reroute, and just true. It'd be tight. Worst comes the worst.

[C]

Worst comes worse. We got a national tragedy on our hands. All right, you want to get yours, Guardo? Yeah, you got to get yours before I get mine.

[D]

Hello, everybody. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22 and 24.

[C]

Now show your shirt.

[D]

Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'll be at the Atlanta Helium on January 22nd and 24th. Now I'll be with my friend Aiden McCluskey. There'll be good shows. Atlanta Helium, Alpharetta, 1-22-24, please.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you. Damn. Thank you, guys. Did you ever have a money clip before?

[C]

No. I think people have tried to give me them and I just can't.

[B]

I had one. I loved it.

[C]

Well, that was probably when you were trapping.

[B]

That was. It was like a teenager.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

I used to have a money clip that. It said Fat Matt was engraved in it. And I would keep, like 80 bucks in it. I thought it was the coolest in.

[C]

That is sick.

[B]

My Fat Matt, Money.

[C]

He was chubby. He was chubby. And his brother's hitting with the fat mat, and he owned it. Dude made it a screen name. I know about it.

[B]

Fat Matt. They used to call me Thunder for thunder thighs. Thunder killed me.

[C]

Thunderstorm Thunder.

[B]

Oh, well, I still have the I.

[C]

You got thick thighs, dude.

[B]

Some company sent me jeans, man, and I put them on. I was just like, joe, like, I can't wear these. I look insane, dude. I look like Conan. That's my goal, to get my thighs. I want to completely max them out. Yeah, I gotta lean into it. If I have. I was like, dude, when I was a kid, I was like, for real, Very insecure. About my big fat thighs.

[C]

I would walk almost eyes on a dude sucks.

[B]

It was crazy. Dude, I had Flynn o' Hara pants. And they all. They weren't like none of them. They're all one size. So if you had jacked quads and they were fat too.

[C]

Yeah, we rocked Flint o'.

[B]

Hare's. Yeah, you just. I would walk down the hallway and I was constantly going. I remember grade school being like. I just never felt comfortable sweating through those things. I.

[C]

It was crazy. I just anxious armpit sweat and it was crazy.

[B]

Yeah, we didn't have air conditioning in my grades.

[C]

No, we didn't have it in high school. Yeah, we had no ac. Everyone was dying, dude. We had to wear a sweater vest and a button down or a full sweater.

[B]

I think we had AC in high school. I'm pretty sure we had AC in high school. I would have been bitching if not.

[C]

No, we didn't. Then they would just open the windows and turn the lights off.

[B]

Yeah, that was good.

[C]

Try to do a class. Everyone just fall asleep.

[B]

Yeah, that was the best. In Catholic grade school is the end of the year when they put all the desks the side of the wall and you have to like, just make up snow days and just sit on the ground and play seven up. Dude, it's the best.

[C]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

That is very nice.

[B]

That was my favorite. There was nothing better. Worst for the first week of school, when you went back in, you just smelled the smell of school and you're like me, man. Chloe's just realized I didn't mind that, huh?

[C]

Now you're bringing it up. That used to fire me up.

[B]

You love.

[C]

The beginning of the school year was great.

[B]

I hated it. I was furious. I would go in there, man, this.

[C]

Yeah, you're with all boys, though.

[B]

No. Well, high school I had fun. In high school was grade school. Yeah, grade school, I would go in. I just hated it. I was like this. Yeah.

[C]

I guess as a kid I probably wasn't too excited because summer rocks.

[B]

Summer rocked, man. And I had to go back to Summer Rock.

[C]

You're going to the biggest wooden roller coaster in the world. Go on the wildcat all summer.

[B]

I remember though, I did get excited. My cousin came to school in second grade and I remember we just sitting in the like, gymnasium just like this in line, waiting to go in. And my cousin walked in. I was like. And I was just like, oh, yeah, you're second grade. I didn't know he was coming. I was just like. One day I was like, dude, my cousin's in school.

[C]

Yeah, that was tight. That's nice.

[B]

That was sick. But other than that, I used to. I hated school. My daughter Chloe is just realizing now that, like, she has to go to school.

[C]

School sucks.

[B]

Yeah. She hates it.

[C]

It did feel like forever. Like I'll be in school the rest of my life.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it kind of is. I mean, I remember graduating college and being like, I can't believe I'm finally done. I hated school every day. And she, like, every day begs. She's like, wakes up. She goes, where am I going? I go, going to school today. And she goes, oh. I'm like, dude, it's never used to it. It's never going to end.

[C]

You're a girl, too. You're gonna. You're going to be in school till you're 30.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

You're going to get 15 degrees.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[C]

You're going to get everything. You're going to be a doctor, you're going to PhD, and then you're going to get pregnant, and that's it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Girls love school. Girls.

[C]

Girls love school.

[B]

Old school, man. They crush it.

[C]

They're good at school.

[B]

True.

[C]

They do love good handwriting.

[B]

Yeah. I'm getting, like, a first. Like a firsthand account of girl world right now.

[C]

You might be butt pregnant.

[B]

Yo. I think he's a butt son.

[C]

I think you have a butt son right now. Or twins. Do you think your butt's pregnant?

[D]

You know, it might be, yeah. I don't know. I hope not. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

[C]

I don't think you're ready for the responsibility of butt kids.

[D]

No.

[B]

Because you have to deliver, too. As a guy. Deliver on all fours.

[C]

You're gonna be like a.

[B]

They put your face down like a seahorse.

[C]

They're just gonna come flying out of your butt.

[D]

I gotta take a test or something. They gotta poop on a strip or whatever.

[B]

Yeah, you better poop on a stick.

[C]

What else is going on? What else do we got?

[B]

Just that.

[C]

Just Gardini getting his butt pregnant.

[B]

God, he has a butt pregnant. I. I got the link with vbr. He was the man at the show. It was really fun. We got a. Missouri's rough, though, dude.

[C]

Missouri's a rough, rough state.

[B]

Crazy, man. I didn't realize how goddamn rough that place was. I kept. I was talking about the white ladies down there. They're just like.

[C]

But that's Missouri states right there, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The university.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Missouri states right there. Mizzou is up near Chicago, Missouri. Also so close to Texas. Yeah, dude, it would have been a six hour drive. I could have drove there.

[C]

No, I swear to God, dude. No chance.

[B]

Going to Springfield, Missouri from Austin.

[C]

Six hours, maybe from Zero chance, maybe.

[B]

From Dallas, even then look it up. I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Dallas. I'm certain.

[C]

I mean, if you looked it up, I believe you.

[B]

I'm fine. Yeah, I was shocked. I was like, wait, this is six hours away from Dallas.

[C]

It's 15 hours.

[D]

It's 10 from Austin.

[B]

Yeah. Six from Dallas. Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Dallas is closer.

[B]

Sorry, I'm not. I'm just.

[C]

I'm just. Well, wait, how far is Dallas from here?

[B]

Three.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

About three. Yeah, Three and a half. Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[B]

I got a little. I'm gonna do a little Texas road dog trip. Me and Gardeni, we're gonna go Houston, Dallas, back.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

That'd be tight. I'm excited to hit the road. What kind of playlist you. You want me to play for you?

[D]

Something chill, Whatever you got. I'm. I'm down for.

[C]

What are you gonna hit him with? Audio?

[B]

Very aggressive tech. I can go audiobook or Very, very aggressive. Like dystopian.

[D]

We were doing Skip to whenever, wherever.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sitting with Skeptic earlier. That's. Dude, that might be the best music ever. I like just like British rap. British.

[C]

It is good.

[B]

Oh, it's. Dude, did you ever see the Top Boy Show?

[C]

No.

[B]

It's really good. It's nothing. But. Yeah, it's so good. It's just like British good. It's like British Belly.

[C]

I think Drake brought us that.

[B]

I believe so.

[A]

Drake.

[C]

I think Drake helped with that a lot.

[A]

I think he did some music came back. The OG One, I think was just like. Like the guy. The rappers from the show put out, like they did their own Rockefeller. Like, here's our money, here's our show thing.

[D]

Is Top Boy like Croties and mandem, or is it like the Toronto people?

[C]

No, no, it's. It's British, but I guess they probably have a lot of the same slang. It's kind of Caribbean influenced.

[B]

Yes, yes. Yeah. It's important. Yeah. It's important to hold technology. You know what I did all weekend? I watched interviews in the green room. The actor. Actor with actor, whatever it's called. It's. I think it's actor on actor with just every actor. They do, like, just like two actors talk to each other.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I'm trying to get. I'm trying to learn how to do that kind of.

[C]

Are you talking inside the actor studio?

[B]

It's not inside the actor studio. There's another one, I think. I forget what magazine does it or whatever. I've seen a couple of those actor and actors.

[C]

Someone with Robert Pattinson and Jennifer Lawrence.

[B]

Did you?

[C]

Yeah. I don't know how new they are.

[B]

I saw the Rock and Brendan Fraser.

[C]

That's good stuff.

[B]

It's really good stuff. I also like the way actors talk to each other. They're very much like it was. They'll just use words. Not like epic, but it's always very much like. Yeah, it's just the funniest way. I don't know. I've never seen anyone else talk like that to each other. Like, I mean, it just might. It might be the most iconic. I would say it's the most iconic charge. A very charged scene. Like, thank you. Yes. Thank you for saying God. But it's every. I watched a bunch of different ones, and it's just nothing but that.

[C]

Yeah, I know, Exactly.

[B]

I can't replicate it, but I. I was trying to learn how to replicate it, but I keep forgetting I did learn the word reportage. Reportage is a word, apparently, about, like, reporting, I think. So I watched the media roundtable with Schultz and, oh, how was that?

[C]

I saw a clip.

[B]

It was cool. It was. I. The clip was funny that I saw you watch the whole thing. And it's just. The whole thing was like, you know, why don't people trust the media? And then he was just watching these kind of media people try to gaslight everyone and be like, we are good reporters and you should trust us. And you're like, all right, I did hear the word reportage. I heard the word reportage. Ben Shapiro hit something like, there's. I've seen a lot of good reportage. I was like, bro, that's the craziest word. Yeah, I think it's just reporting, but you can say reportage. But if that was crazy, it was.

[C]

Like, very much like the coverage on Gardeni's Pie. There's good reportage. The reportage was nice. It was in the Herald. It was in the Austin Herald. I caught wind of it over my morning coffee. I went.

[B]

Well, you don't say butt babies, dude. There. There was. There was one line from that roundtable that cracked me up where they were, like, talking about, like, how getting news through our phone and being addicted to our phones, blah, blah. At one point, someone was like, like, maybe things going viral is making us sick. I was like, man, it Sucks.

[C]

That blows. Dude.

[B]

It was, it was a big. I was just jumping across from like, smarty pants YouTube. I forget which one.

[C]

They need a belly slap.

[B]

It was just immediately a big belly slap.

[C]

A hard belly slap for that.

[B]

It was just intellectual YouTube. And it was making me laugh so hard just watching people. Because eventually it's like, some of that stuff sounds good, but then like, like you lose the thread after a while. Then all of a sudden, like, nobody knows what anyone's talking about. Like, hold on, let's. Let's, let's try to reel that in so we can really get granular and this. And it's just, it's really funny. And I don't think they really resolved much at all. That was the one thing they never do.

[C]

No, but I watch all these. I listen to it.

[B]

The thing that kills me is like, the Kimmel thing is like, well, you know, we're living in a fascist dictatorship that was taking Kimmel's job away for free speech. Like, yeah, obviously don't take Kimmel's job away. But if just one of those, like New York Times journalists can be like, well, that kind of does remind us when we were being gigantic for doing seven years.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Taking jobs from people because of things they said. You never hear them once.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Be like, yeah, we were kind of on that for a while. That's all you got to do. And people like, okay, cool, we're back to normal.

[C]

Yeah, it would be nice again if one side just wasn't a hypocrite once.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Dude, T dog needs to.

[C]

T dog. What a idiot. Why would you do that? That was one that, like, he's done stuff before where I'm like, ah, you can't really. That one sucks. This one was like, dude, this sucks so bad.

[B]

Especially in the year one ak Especially. Okay.

[C]

You can't do exactly what you were mad that they were doing. For real. I was just thinking it'd be like if Obama tweeted after Charlie Kirk died. Well, fucking good riddance. Be like.

[B]

I know people. What we're learning is people need to let go of their beefs. People need to let go of their beefs, man.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Can't be out here. The only long term beef that I hold down is 52nd can continue beefing with whoever he wants because it's pretty. It is pretty fun watching his documentaries. Although here's the thing, though. If this is a massive commercial success, who's next? Because he's one of. He's going to want to strike twice because The Shannon Sharp documentary. Obviously we've seen the T. Might be the new oil. We don't have to drill for oil. We just need the tea right now.

[C]

You're exactly right.

[B]

I think the tea. The Shannon Sharp documentary. I mean that his stock flew up.

[C]

Here's a document.

[B]

Well, no, he brought cat on cats build the tea. That was a. That was like a 24 million dollar ordeal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's so many people going. 50. You have any more tea? There's gonna be some. There's gonna be some prospects, some prospectors going around Harlem way going some tea in here.

[C]

There is tea.

[B]

There's some tea around.

[C]

Yeah, you're right. Harlem way. There is a lot of tea up there.

[D]

That's.

[C]

That's tea country, that is.

[B]

Or BK even in bk.

[C]

Yeah, some good tea and get some tea going down. There could be some tea that way.

[B]

But that's a major. Dude, that's like, you know that thing's going to be number one. This episode is brought to you by Mint mobile. Head to mintmobile.com trench to score 3, 6 or 12 month unlimited plans for just $15 a month. Month limited time offer upfront payment of $45 for 3 months, $90 for 6 months or $180 for 12 months. Plan required, $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term Only greater than 35 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Capable device required. Availability, speed and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com this episode is brought to you by Montana Knife Company. Did you know there are a little over a hundred master bladesmiths in the world? No, I didn't because I'm not a virgin. Well, Josh Smith is one of the best and he's the founder of this company. Designed, tested and built by hunters. All of MKC's knives are manufactured in Montana. Like my personal favorite, the Speedgoat 2.0. It's ultralight and insanely sharp. They're a hunting knife company first and foremost. But MKC also makes some of the best chef knives on the planet. I use them all the time in my kitchen. Plus they're backed by a multi generational guarantee promise, meaning you can send them back to be sharpened whenever you need free of charge. Starting to think about Christmas gifts? Montana Knife Co. Knives are the best presents out there. But don't wait until December to order. They sell out fast and always sell out before the holidays. So get yours now and give a gift that can be passed down for generations. Montana Knife Co. Working knives for working people. So yeah, we gotta go ahead and get some tea. Sean, we need you to get some tea when you hear any rumblings.

[C]

Yeah, you guys haven't ever given us any tea.

[B]

We're trying to fucking survive out here, dude.

[C]

Our podcast is. We're falling. We're failing right now because we don't ever spill any good tea.

[B]

I haven't.

[C]

I haven't. We need to openly gossip about our peers.

[D]

Sorry. Yeah.

[C]

You have no tea.

[D]

No tea over you.

[B]

Nothing scandalous.

[C]

Nothing's scandalous at all. In the awesome comedy scene, you broke.

[D]

The story about my butt babies. That's kind of.

[C]

Well, that's a big one. That. That's. Yeah, that's gonna hit the web.

[B]

Yeah, true. That could rocket us back up.

[C]

TMZ could be covering that.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We need p. Do you have any pictures?

[D]

No, no, no.

[C]

You didn't get a song? I haven't f. The tmz people are going to be gossiping around the cubicle. The guy with his big ass cop, he's going to be like, ah. Did you see what came out of Austin this week? Yeah, I think he's going to have some butt babies. Them. Them, Dude. How dare they talk about our butt babies? Live on tmz, dude.

[B]

Just reaching out. I'm reaching out from TMZ to follow up on this butt baby story.

[C]

Some rumblings about a butt baby being born at a water park in Texas.

[B]

Your flaccid penis went up your ass, then you flipped over onto your belly and smacked it in further. Is this true?

[C]

You must have been slightly hard to get through all that hair. You got a nice butt net.

[B]

I've heard. This is the tea on Sean. I heard his head gets hard for.

[C]

Oh, yes, the bowling pin.

[B]

It works its way down. He's got jelly on the bottom, and it. Finally.

[C]

The old bowling pin straight to his own butt at the water park, trying to show off for the kids. You go, hey, everyone, watch this slide. Oh, it took a bowling pin right to the keister.

[B]

Nate, what do you think about that?

[A]

No comment. I got no comment. I got no comment.

[B]

You ever hurt yourself on a horse?

[C]

This is good podcasting. No comment.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you, baby.

[B]

I can't. We're doing all the heavy lifting.

[C]

It's cloudy out. We're all sleepy. Come on, man.

[A]

Talk butt stuff.

[C]

It's a gloomy day. We should all be cuddled up watching a movie.

[B]

Yeah, why can't you talk butt stuff? What are you even talking about?

[A]

I can't talk, but stuff.

[B]

Why not? Drastic butts People are gonna think you're aligned with Diddy bro.

[C]

If you go, yeah, we can talk, but stuff.

[A]

No, I can't talk.

[C]

Yes, we can.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes. Well, somebody in this group got fingered recently in their butt by a guy.

[B]

Hold up.

[C]

Yeah, he had a. Probably a hemorrhoid and freaked out and went to the urgent care and just got fingered and they sent him home so much he blood.

[B]

Oh, yeah? Who fingered you?

[A]

This guy.

[C]

You know his name?

[A]

I don't remember his name at least.

[B]

What do you look like?

[A]

I didn't want to.

[B]

Huh. What do you look like?

[A]

This guy?

[B]

Just a man. Did you get fingered at an urgent care?

[C]

Yes. 200 bucks paid.

[B]

200?

[C]

He made his girlfriend leave the room. He said, honey, you can't see this. Excuse me, fiance.

[B]

I would have had her hold my hand, bro. That's crazy. You had to touch girl. If someone's going up your butt, you got to touch a girl to keep the gayness. It's like a lightning round for gayness.

[C]

That is true.

[A]

That was our first time. Her in the doctor's office with me. Like, that was the first time. We're like, all right here.

[B]

That's what they're for, dude. They're for stand there, right here.

[A]

See me like that just.

[C]

You're never gonna beat the allegations, dude. You paid 200 bucks to get fingered. Urgent care, dude. Why would you ever get fingered? A nurse.

[B]

Urgent care. What did they even determine by fingering your butt? Nothing.

[A]

He said I was all right. He said my body.

[C]

Said I was like, check the oil.

[B]

He's like. He's like, let's.

[A]

He's like, we got it. Just cause you. You bled a lot, but you seem fine.

[C]

But you know, your period.

[B]

You went to the doctor. Any fingers?

[A]

It was my first period. I didn't know what to do. I panicked.

[C]

They gave him a vibrator. He went to an old doctor. He came from his butt finger.

[A]

I have my period for like four days. And I was like, this is too long. This is a problem.

[B]

How did he. Did he. I guess he lubed himself up.

[A]

Yeah, he gloved up. He lubed up. I heard the gloves.

[C]

Oh, and then he came and met me at a bar. I think it was on my birthday. It was a nice celebration. And then he came to the bar with. I did not lube. Fresh in his butt.

[A]

I did not have lube.

[C]

You were wearing the same outfit. You were in the same outfit you wore earlier that day, which means you did not shower. You did not shower.

[A]

I didn't Shower. But I washed up. I washed up.

[B]

I didn't have.

[A]

I washed up. I hit the. I hit the hot spots. I hit my balls. I hit my ass. I hit my. I hit my underarm.

[B]

Put your clothes.

[C]

Why would you not get in the shower for that? Because we were going to meet you, stinky.

[A]

We were celebrating your birthday, and then we had to leave early to go do spots. I was. I was maximizing my time with my friend.

[B]

I'm sorry. So you just got the lube out of your butt. So you hit it.

[C]

You cleaned up.

[B]

Standard drill. The doctor said.

[C]

Yeah, standard.

[B]

Standard drill.

[C]

The doctor threw a towel on you. You clean yourself up.

[B]

You bathe like a hooker. Like a gas station bathroom.

[A]

In gas.

[B]

Just washed your ass in the sink.

[C]

Oh, man. Then you came and threw darts with us.

[B]

Shut up. To shake his birthday. Like, what's up, hon? How we doing?

[C]

Dude, you still have lube in your butt.

[A]

I told you. I was like, tell my friend in confidence. And I second I did it. I was like, yeah.

[C]

Why did you ever tell me that?

[A]

That's what Sean said. He was like, you messed up up. I was like, got there.

[C]

She was like, they got finger. It was a nice birthday gift.

[A]

That's what. That's.

[C]

I do appreciate it.

[A]

A good laugh for your birthday.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I was. The whole time y' all coming to Sean about his butt, baby. I was sitting here quiet.

[B]

You were quiet.

[C]

Think about. I forgot entirely about.

[A]

I knew you forgot about it. I was like, thank God.

[C]

Thank God. I remembered.

[A]

He all went for me, and I was like, I. I can't.

[C]

You could have jumped in. I would have never known why you were being so bashful. Ah.

[A]

But then I could have triggered Sean to turn on me. He would have had that.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

You think I got a butt, baby?

[C]

You would never. I would never. You lie. Dude, you're a nasty little. If we got some brown liquor out here, you'd spill the beans immediately.

[D]

Noctis yesterday.

[C]

Oh, you told the crowd at the Noxus he got fingered.

[D]

Nobody liked it.

[C]

Yeah, nobody likes it.

[A]

Gave me no choice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I tried to do a set about it that night. It was probably the worst setup for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Keep going. That's so funny. Gotta talk about it forever. You should open and close with it every time. I should rebrand around it. After.

[A]

Yeah, after we were all up at the doctors talking about it, I went up to do my set. I was like, I just need to know that y' all aren't thinking about me. With a finger in my ass or did somebody to want.

[C]

Well, I wasn't just like, ah.

[B]

How many seconds were you talking?

[A]

It had to be like three, but it felt like 23 seconds.

[C]

No way.

[A]

I think it was like five.

[C]

Definitely wasn't just going.

[A]

I think it was like five dot.

[C]

You got in there checked. Checked your butt walls.

[B]

Yeah. What was it you just checking for? A hemorrhoid? Clearly you have a hemorrhoid.

[A]

I think like any kind of mass. He was like, we just gotta check for. Here's what he said. We said, we gotta check for mass. And he was. And then he was like, if it.

[B]

Keeps bleeding, bro, we'll get you to a serious question. Did it jump a little?

[C]

No, that's a good question.

[A]

It didn't move at all, Dude, I.

[B]

I went and got a massage recently, and when I had my thunderclap headache, Britney was like, just go get a massage. Because it's like up here was real tense. So I went. First of all, she's trying to talk me into, like, should really try a male therapist. I was like, no, she's not doing it. Therapist or like a massage.

[C]

Oh, oh, oh. I was like, wow.

[B]

No, no, no. That'd be sick, actually.

[C]

Yeah, you'd be like Tony Soprano.

[B]

I was doing deadlifts. And I was doing sumo squats. No, I got a. So I went. I was like, no. She's like, I'm telling you, like, you should just try. Why are you so worried about it? And I was like, brittany, if I get a male massage person and I even start to get hard, I have to leave the whole family. I'm going to come home that. Guys, I'm gay now. Yeah, I took the test. Turns out I'm actually gay. And I'm leaving this family.

[C]

You got to move up Harlem way. Yeah. Spill it to. You got to go up there and spill the tea immediately. Nate, you're gonna have to join bad boy Dr. Diddy.

[A]

I got diddy. I got diddy on your birthday.

[C]

I think you did get diddy on my birthday. Maybe I set that up.

[B]

Nate Dog Marshall.

[C]

Yeah, I know. We gotta think of a good nickname for him.

[B]

He might just be butter now.

[C]

True. You are the butter man.

[A]

The man.

[B]

Buttery little biscuit.

[C]

He does have butter. I think the doctor used butter. It's a little bit buttered it. He got the peanut butter.

[A]

L. I mean, buttered is better than not buttered it.

[D]

Go.

[A]

He go.

[C]

Why are you flexing your penis while you talking?

[B]

God.

[C]

You see that? That's crazy. I Mean butter is better than not butter flexing his dog. Nate.

[A]

I wish I died.

[C]

We don't have too many topics right now. We're just going to call you guys. Gay for an episode or.

[B]

Done. We got an hour.

[C]

It's a good hour.

[B]

That was a great hour.

[C]

That was one of our better ones.

[B]

That was really. That was a rainy day masterpiece.

[C]

That was a rainy day. I mean, it's just a rainy day. Sure. There's nothing we can do about it. All you can do during a rainy day is either cuddle up with a good book. True. Or you can sit around with your buddies and call two guys butt boys. Nate, what were your thoughts when you got. When it happened?

[A]

I mean, it was obviously funny that it was about to happen. Like, as soon as I knew that, I was like, all right, this is about to happen to me. It was hilarious. Especially, like, I've been Zesty online for a good couple months now, and it's like, I can't.

[C]

I think I got. Again, I've talked about before, I got my balls sonogrammed.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And that's by a guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I'll never forget. He's wearing a Steelers cap. Nurse with a Steelers cap. Putting jelly on my knots.

[B]

Warm, too, wasn't it?

[C]

It wasn't very warm.

[B]

Oh, it's chilly. That's good on him.

[C]

Yeah. You want to shrink everything. And it worked.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Doctor, this isn't what it usually looks like.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't be giving him the warm jelly.

[C]

But I was laughing during that.

[B]

You said he was. No, he wasn't laughing.

[C]

He did not think it was funny. Yeah, but if I got butt fingered, I would laugh. You're allowed to laugh.

[B]

Did you hold your breath?

[A]

I don't remember.

[C]

He tried to hold his breath, but the air escaped him.

[B]

Did you. So your babe really left the room?

[A]

I made her leave. I didn't. She would have had to be looking like.

[B]

She.

[A]

I can't have her have staring down.

[C]

The barrel like, yeah, she was.

[B]

Literally.

[C]

Yeah. You can't let her see that.

[B]

When she left and it was just you and the doctor and then his finger was in your butt. You should have went, she hits me. You're allowed to open up to the doctor and tell him about that.

[A]

That I did.

[B]

He.

[A]

He did ask. He did ask if I, like, beforehand. He was like, could the bleeding be from. You know? He was like. He was like, butt stuff. And then I just looked at her.

[C]

And went, it's an urgent care. They're not using the best terminology. He Said butt stuff. We're going to see him coming back to that urgent care. You drive past, he's going to be in a trench coat and blind guy, glasses walking out.

[A]

Like a massage part.

[C]

Yeah. Another 200 bucks down the drain.

[A]

Go broke at urgent care.

[B]

So he asked you. What'd you respond? She looked at your wife and said, ask her.

[A]

I said, I said yes. I just said yes because I thought it'd be funny to just come out like. It's like I'm gay in front of my lady in the doctors. Then I was like, obviously, no, I haven't.

[B]

But what do you say? Was he like, hey.

[A]

He laughed.

[C]

How did he bend you over? Did you stand and lean over the table?

[A]

He stood up straight. Flex.

[C]

No, really?

[A]

No. Yeah.

[C]

No, not on all fours. On the table.

[A]

No.

[B]

No.

[A]

You don't get on all fours.

[C]

I don't know what you do.

[B]

Does he hold it down on it?

[A]

I just. I'm just early. Y'. All. Y' all are gonna get there.

[C]

It's gonna be crazy.

[A]

Yeah. I had. If I died.

[C]

Just say it.

[A]

Elbows on the. I had to put my elbows.

[B]

Chin on your fist.

[C]

But he. He instructed you, right? He said, put your elbows on the table and bend over.

[A]

That is 100. He was like, you gotta put your elbows on the table. And he didn't say, bend over, but he's like, you gotta put your elbows on the.

[B]

And then I was, you know, damn.

[C]

That's all right.

[A]

I found that I wasn't dying.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

I could be dying. I could be. I could be.

[B]

Probably never felt more alive, honestly.

[C]

It's kind of liberating.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

First words out of his mouth. He was so excited to tell me.

[A]

No, I, I.

[C]

Right when he walked in the bar, he was like, oh, my God, I gotta tell you what happened to me today.

[A]

It took about.

[C]

I had the wildest experience.

[A]

I held onto it for, like, 10 minutes, but it was all I was thinking about.

[B]

Like, I couldn't.

[C]

Spilled.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's also. That is a great birthday gift, though, to be honest. That's a fantastic birthday gift. Yeah. I'm turning 40. January. I'm. Well, I'm. It's a matter of time. I'm getting fingered. Yeah. Whole squad is getting fingered.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I might have to go early on that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Because this has been out of control.

[A]

The.

[C]

I wonder why they just took. Took spill the beans and made it spill the tea. And why. Why is that acceptable? It's beans, dude.

[B]

It is the beans. But I think there was all that like drinking tea when like something.

[C]

Yeah, it's still eating beans.

[B]

True.

[C]

That's why they spill the beans. You go, what? The beans fall off your spoon and you've spilled the beans.

[B]

I think you're completely right. Yeah.

[C]

You spill the bean, you go, hold on. Now I spilled my beans, but tell me about your fingering. I gotta get some beans.

[B]

I peeped your pantry the other day. You got your.

[C]

I got some beans. I got. I'm gonna make those beans when you leave.

[B]

That'd be nice. Yeah, Keep that. Keeps the butt doctor away.

[C]

By the way, those whole bunch of beans for lunch.

[B]

I might scare on the doctor. Just eat a ton of beans.

[C]

As soon as you touch me up.

[B]

Just let like a one foot around.

[C]

He's gonna clog it, though. He's gonna go, no, no, no.

[B]

He's like, cut it.

[C]

Hit the sawmill. Hit the buzz saw. All right. This is maybe one of our worst podcasts. Just talked about poop and bots. Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, well. Join us for the Patreon.

[C]

Patreon. We're gonna get serious.

[B]

Yeah, True.

[D]

Go.

[C]

It's time to talk politics on the Patreon. It's time to give you the real deal. Me and Matt both know exactly what's going on in the world. We'll give you our takes. Damn, you got fingers.

[B]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.

[C]

And Doug, here we have the Limu.

[B]

Emu in its natural habitat, helping people their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Limu.

[C]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera.

[B]

They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty.

[C]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings Ferry.

[B]

Underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.