Ep 594 - Gooniverse (feat. Steve Gerben & Billy)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast — Ep 594: “Gooniverse”

Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guests: Steve Gerben & Billy
Date: January 14, 2026

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Overview

Episode 594, "Gooniverse," brings together Matt, Shane, returning favorite Steve Gerben ("Gerby"), and fan-favorite Billy for a raucous hang. The crew catches up on everything from fitness rivals and gym culture to political memes, square-dancing escapades, and deep dives into niche Internet fetishes. Expect high-energy ribbing, confessions, and a lot of raw, hilarious honesty, with the signature banter and tangents Matt & Shane are known for.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up & Gym Rivalries

Timestamps: [00:03 - 04:45]

• The crew opens with light roasting about fitness routines, with Matt and Billy comparing lifts (“Bench 235... Lie... 335... go higher...” [01:10]). Shane nicknames Matt “Mommy’s little muscle man.”
• Discussion of gym milestones versus reality, “225 is warmup weight” [01:36], and skepticism over each other's claims.
• Billy jokes about sub-six-foot dudes’ need to “juice” to keep up: “If I get a girlfriend, best believe it's an abusive relationship. That's the only way I can keep a girl.” [28:13]

2. Steroids, Liver King, & Masculinity

Timestamps: [01:53 - 04:55, 23:34 - 24:03]

• Ongoing comedic debate on who’s “on the juice” and the ethics of lying about steroid use — “Just lie until you die” [03:24].
• The fellas rag on fitness influencers: “Getting killed by Liver King would be sick” [03:07].
• Throwbacks to “Smashing Machine,” “Liver King,” and discussions about gym bro culture, with comedic detours into performance enhancers.

3. Illness, Allergies, and Avoiding the Plague

Timestamps: [06:24 - 08:54]

• How traveling and their different locations (Texas vs. PA) affected each person dodging winter sicknesses.
• Gerben’s confessions of getting everyone sick over the holidays, “I proceeded to cough in my girlfriend's mouth accidentally, and she got sick, and then everyone else in the house got sick.” [07:14]

4. Darts in London, White Boxing Idols, and Mayweather

Timestamps: [08:12 - 09:50]

• Shane details his calculated escape from a “plague plane” by going to the World Darts Championship.
• Appreciation and hindsight on rooting for white boxing underdog Ricky Hatton against Mayweather: “We all bought in because he was a white guy... then the fight started and we went, ‘whoops.’” [08:48]
• Floyd’s undefeated strategy and the spectacle of major fights.

5. Musical Aspirations & Group Dynamics

Timestamps: [10:06 - 12:32]

• Steve’s failed karaoke attempts; ribbing from the guys about “One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer.”
• Matt philosophizes about morning attitudes, borrowing old Black guy’s morning wisdom: “Woke up today, didn’t I?” [12:32]
• Group commiserations on body shame and “tiny penis” woes after cold plunges.

6. Golf Nostalgia, 90’s Fashion, and Platform Shoes

Timestamps: [13:31 - 15:21]

• Billy, Matt, and Steve reminisce about wearing “Echo shoes, Lugs, South Pole” — the uniform of 90’s and early-2000s bad kids.
• Friendly call-outs on wearing platform shoes and “looksmaxxing” (seeking any edge to look hotter).

7. Politics, Propaganda, and Memes

Timestamps: [17:42 - 21:31]

• Billy and Matt discuss whether “Trump Dog” still “has the juice,” referencing recent Air Force One (AF1) meme moments. “I can tell you it was not for my brain, because my brain’s working. I just took a cognitive test and I aced it...” [17:58]
• Satire on American media propaganda, Venezuela, Colombia, and how memes can shift public opinion: “The meme leading up to Venezuela, I was like, don’t go to war … one meme ... I was like, America rules, take all their do it.” [19:09]
• Comedic, skeptical takes on China and Russia — “I’ve never gotten sold on China hype” [22:28].

8. Modern Dating, Square Dancing, and Pickup Moves

Timestamps: [29:08 - 36:44]

• Steve describes re-entering the dating pool, discovering that Instagram thinks he’s a girl (“... sending me stuff as if I was a girl” [29:37]).
• Enthusiastic but embarrassing line-dancing stories: Steve’s cowboy hats, jive, and dancing workout routines.
• Pickup strategies deciphered — “How do you message a girl after line-dancing? Eye contact, go for a drink...” [31:14]

9. Bedroom Playlists & Fetishes

Timestamps: [36:08 - 44:44]

• Wild conversation on sex music — red lights, Nine Inch Nails, industrial techno track “Bent.” Steve admits Shazaming a song while on OnlyFans: “While jacking off ... I’d already finished and then you say, what’s the name of the song?” [41:10]
• Discussion of “gooner” culture (edging/extended masturbation), goon music, and the absurdity of JOI (jerk-off instruction) videos.

10. The World of “Painting Jobs” & Niche Porn

Timestamps: [48:09 - 50:51]

• Deep dive into the subreddits/support groups for “panty jobs”, dry humping, “outercourse,” and “mano jobs.”
• Steve’s pride (and shame) about knowing his niche: “I do think I’m probably like in the top 1-2% of panty job video watchers.” [48:42]
• The guys riff on lost favorite porn videos, naming stars and the joy of “innocent” kinks.

11. Dancing Drama: Box-outs and Friendship Teasing

Timestamps: [61:10 - 71:01]

• The notorious “line-dancing box out” confrontation, where Steve physically “boxed out” a woman to dance next to his crush. “If any of my friends boxed a girl out to get next to a girl, I’d be like, yeah, what the fuck you doing, dude?” [65:41]
• Heavy teasing about being “the horniest guy on Earth,” with Steve defending himself and Matt assuring it’s all in good fun and “checks and balances” between friends.

12. Group Golf Outings, Boundaries & Emotional Honesty

Timestamps: [81:15 - 84:22]

• Recap of a tense golf cart bumping incident—Matt’s penchant for “Jackass” style pranks on the course, Steve’s increasingly annoyed boundaries, and the art of recovering from playful tempers.
• “You have the ultimate weapon — you can make me feel very bad,” says Matt to Steve. [85:50]

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Notable Quotes

• “If you leave, you’re hurting her. The guys that are, for real, up the girls. That’s wild.” — Billy [28:26]
• “Woke up today, didn’t I?” — Billy (on old black guys’ morning greetings) [12:32]
• “Just lie until you die.” — Billy (on steroid users) [03:24]
• “God, this guy means business. That’s ready to eat.” — Matt (on Steve leaving a ‘how to eat pussy’ book on his couch during a location scout) [38:32]
• “If a player’s in the game, he needs rules.” — Billy [68:40]
• “No one’s built for this, dude. Stay home. Hit it on Facebook. All caps, on Facebook. Stay in your space.” — Billy [55:00]
• “We’re in my man cave, dude. Pool table, sitting around talking jizz. That’s what it’s all about.” — Matt [53:05]
• “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t pull on Liver King’s beard, dude.” — Matt [92:09]

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Memorable/Absurd Moments

• Steve Shazaming an OnlyFans song mid-masturbation: [41:10]
• The “boxing out” line-dancing debacle and subsequent group therapy: [62:12 - 71:01]
• Open talk about favorite “panty job” and “outercourse” videos, Reddit comment shame, and “top 1%” kinks: [48:09 - 50:51]
• “Liver King” fear-mongering, coupled with a hypothetical fight scenario: [03:07, 92:16]
• “How to Eat Pussy” book left out during a filming scout: [37:17 - 38:32]
• Group recounting 90s “cool” shoes (Echo, Lugs) and school yard status symbols: [25:05 - 27:03]
• Matt reflecting on body image and the intimacy of shower self-negativity: [12:32 - 12:59]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Bench Press/Lifting Claims: [00:10 - 01:35]
• Liver King, Steroids, Machismo: [01:53 - 04:45, 23:34 - 24:03]
• Dodging Sickness/World Darts Party: [06:24 - 08:54]
• Boxing and Being Inspiringly Delusional: [08:48 - 09:50]
• Line Dancing & Pick Up Tactics: [29:00 - 36:44]
• Sex Playlists, Gooning, and Panty Job Theory: [36:08 - 50:51]
• Dancing Box-Out Controversy Unpacked: [62:12 - 71:01]
• Golf Fights and Boundaries: [81:15 - 84:22]

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Tone & Style

The episode is boisterous, self-deprecating, and relentlessly honest, with the hosts comfortable poking fun at both themselves and each other. Matt serves as the deadpan straight man while Shane delights in playful antagonism and outrageous confessions. Billy and Steve bring memorable stories and aren’t afraid to take the brunt of the jokes. All contribute to a fast-paced, joke-dense, chaotic roundtable with undercurrents of genuine friendship and vulnerability.

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For New Listeners: Why Listen?

This episode showcases the Matt and Shane formula at its best — hilarious ball-busting, left-field confessionals, and a cocktail of pop-culture riffing and everyday absurdities. It’s a blend of blue-collar wisdom, Internet brain-rot, sexual honesty, and “dude” comedy that’s as sincere as it is irreverent.

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Note: This summary omits ad reads and excludes non-content sections. All timestamps are in MM:SS format as referenced to the provided transcript.

Transcript

[A]

The Wild, Wild West.

[B]

And we're live, dude.

[A]

Wow. Matthew, thank you for joining us. Bill, thank you for joining us. Stephen, thank you for joining us. I appreciate you guys coming here for sure.

[C]

Matt.

[A]

Matt, how are you?

[B]

I'm doing pretty good, dude.

[A]

I haven't seen you in so long. Dude. So uncomfortable. So awkward.

[B]

What do you think?

[D]

It's awkward.

[A]

It's just so weird between guys. I know what you've been up to.

[B]

What do you think I've been up to?

[A]

You've moved on.

[B]

What? Training, bro. Dude, cubic training montage.

[A]

That's all I'm doing. I know I'm training.

[B]

When? When I. Like in a couple months. I want you to go, Damn, dude.

[A]

I mean, every time I see you, I go, bro, you need to put that. He's the Smashing Machine. You're literally the Smashing Machine. Have you seen that?

[C]

No.

[A]

Please smash my gospel.

[B]

I train for you and my mommy. I love, dude. The summertime, my mom gives me the thumbs up or thumbs down if I go to the pool, take my shirt off. She literally will be like, you got fat. Or she'll go, wow, you put on some muscles. Hello, Mommy's muscle man. That's what I try to be. Over here, Mommy's little muscle man. I'm. I'm hoping to be your muscle man.

[A]

You're more jacked than Bill right now.

[B]

It's kind of crazy, dude. I never thought I'd start putting up my.

[A]

I never thought you would either.

[B]

Bench 235.

[A]

Lie.

[D]

Lie.

[B]

Bench 335.

[D]

Go higher.

[A]

Go higher twice.

[B]

I'll get up there.

[A]

No, I'm saying lie.

[B]

Get up there.

[D]

3:15, 2:35. Finally for 10N.

[B]

Never mind. What's a squat? We got the same thick ass legs, bro.

[D]

Squat. I'm all calisthenics right now, so there's nothing.

[B]

What's your squat? What was your heaviest squad ever?

[D]

I have no idea. Probably 225.

[B]

I hate that.

[D]

I'll just throw my back out every time I squatted. I do like 25 for a week and then just blow.

[B]

I'm not trying to be a dick. 225 to warm up. Dude, 225 is warm up weight.

[D]

I feel you.

[B]

I'm trying to get up to 350. I don't think I'll be able to get the thousand pounds.

[A]

You should.

[B]

I came. I flew here to tell you I don't think I'll be able to get thousand.

[A]

You flew here to go. I can't do it.

[B]

I don't think I'm gonna do 900 pound club. Make the shirt you like.

[D]

Liver King. When he admitted he's on juice.

[A]

What are you talking about? Don't bring him up.

[B]

I'm n. Come over here.

[A]

He's going to get you.

[D]

Wi Fi pass.

[A]

He's the boogeyman.

[B]

Joe Rogan.

[A]

Did you see him do that?

[B]

What he say the WI Fi passwords. Seth Rogan.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He calls him Seth.

[D]

He's fully lost his mind. That's probably.

[A]

He's coming for you. This has nothing to do with me. Yeah, I don't want to. I'm not talking on the Liver King.

[D]

Me and Brian Johnson go way back.

[A]

Dude, I don't know what you're doing right now. He's going to get you. I'm not scared of that, dude.

[C]

What?

[A]

How are you not afraid of how?

[B]

You're not even.

[D]

People cry.

[A]

What?

[D]

He's mentally unstable right now.

[A]

That's exactly who you don't want to bother. He's on.

[D]

I don't think he can travel across state lines.

[A]

Currently, he can, dude. I've been following his Instagram. He was just on vacation. He could travel.

[B]

Yeah. The King can move, dude.

[A]

Look.

[B]

Yeah, sit in front of the board.

[A]

The King can move. Yeah, that's gonna get you. I'm pawn, dude. Okay, yeah.

[D]

I'm not afraid of bj. That's all I'm saying.

[C]

How?

[B]

Bro, he's terrifying.

[D]

Pretty boy muscles, bro.

[B]

What are you, primal?

[A]

Dude, I'm just primal.

[B]

What are you talking, primal?

[D]

I'm not on steroids, dude. I'm more primal than him.

[B]

Dude, if a caveman got steroids, it would take.

[A]

Hold on. Genuinely, this is a mistake. Like, an actual mistake. Liver King's gonna get you.

[B]

You want to die by a Liver King? Getting killed by Liver King would be sick.

[D]

Death by Liver King.

[A]

So what, did they, like, pound it? Lock it down? I've been watching a lot of it. It's good stuff. You'd like the Liver King.

[C]

I don't.

[A]

I mean, you don't like him either.

[B]

God damn.

[A]

German and Billy versus The Liver King.

[D]

Gotta be good and true. I love the Liver King. I don't like 3.0. I like 1.0. And then once he started admitting that he's on steroids, that. Just lie until you die.

[A]

Yeah, true. That's what I was trying to tell you. With the numbers for him.

[B]

Just lie by the numbers.

[A]

As soon as someone goes, how much can you bounce? You go to 315. I don't know.

[D]

I don't understand.

[A]

What, are they gonna prove it?

[D]

I don't understand that shit. It's like, dudes act like they're not going to get in the hall of Fame if they get. Someone catches them doing steroids. Like, dude, you're just chilling like nothing. It doesn't matter.

[B]

Everyone's on steroids now.

[A]

Pretty much.

[B]

Well, speak for yourself, not me, but I'm saying you've been juiced. I'm telling you, I'm the juice, dude.

[D]

Would you be able to fight in the UFC?

[B]

Currently 100%.

[A]

No way. USADA would have you. You'd be pissing hot.

[D]

You'd be burning cups.

[B]

Not at all. For what? Maca?

[A]

Well, yeah, maca is fine.

[B]

It's an herbal supplement. You think? Maca?

[D]

Bpc.

[B]

My T is not even high.

[D]

I know.

[B]

My T is literally not.

[A]

Your T is the highest. I got spud with that this weekend.

[B]

What?

[A]

I was like, you just had a kid. Your E is through the roof. And he immediately started smacking himself in the face. And we had to be like, no, no, no, no, no, dude, dude, that's. That's high T. Sorry, that was high tea.

[D]

Self punch is a high tier spot.

[A]

He immediately went to the self punch, dude. He started punching himself and I was like, you have too much estrogen. He was hitting us with some liberal talking points, so it was very fun to be like, dude, he is running wild. It's devastating to heart. Yeah, that's.

[B]

It kills you if you're. If you're over 40, white male, and you get called a live. It's sucks, dude.

[D]

Pretty much a death sentence.

[A]

It really is.

[B]

I was really. I was. I was.

[A]

Gerby's conservative as.

[D]

Dude, I. I know he's like, quiet about it.

[C]

No, I mean, you know, you don't.

[A]

Have to really answer.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, there's certainly obviously some. Some conservative, you know.

[D]

You ever seen Imperium?

[A]

No, I don't think so.

[D]

With Harry Potter's like a Neo Nazi.

[A]

No, but I've definitely seen Hilarious.

[D]

I should watch it.

[B]

Wait, Daniel Radcliffe plays a neon.

[A]

Yeah. Yes. I've definitely seen the clips of it.

[B]

That's kind of nice.

[D]

It's very insane.

[A]

He hit some wild ones. He's like on a march. Yeah, I've seen it. He would not like you.

[B]

Do you think an actor that serious, though, when he's playing that role goes full method?

[D]

He did go full method. You really. You got to go 100 if you're going to do that. You got to rip the band aid off. Just say it.

[A]

This episode Is brought to you by Amazon MGM Studios new movie Mercy, only in theaters January 23rd. Set in the near future, trials are run by artificial intelligence that has access to every camera, phone and database. Matt, that's so spooky. Whoa. Chris Pratt plays a detective on trial, and he has 90 minutes to prove his innocence to an AI judge played by Rebecca Ferguson. Directed by Timur Beckman. Bed off.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

You've got to experience this movie on the big screen, especially in IMAX3D. Check out MercyMovie.com to learn more.

[B]

Rated PG13.

[A]

Rated PG13. Jesus. All right, here we go now, gerbies. What's going on with you?

[C]

Not. I'm sick. I got that, like, two. Two week thing that Billy was saying he had.

[A]

Oh, that's nice. That's nice to be able to say. It's going around. I'm not the only one for the two week.

[C]

Well, I. Because I feel bad if I. But I. It really has been going on. Have you.

[B]

No, I've been in Texas. I've been safe from the plague.

[C]

Oh, geez.

[B]

But we have the whole allergy thing going on, so everyone's kind of sick. Blows. Gotcha. I'm worried I gotta. I'm gonna. I have to go to, like, Houston this weekend. I'm so worried I'm gonna get sick.

[C]

I think it's PA that you got to worry about. Pennsylvania is no Texas.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Way worse.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, the cedar with the.

[A]

With allergies.

[C]

Oh, no, I. I meant with, like, what's going around.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Good.

[B]

Get it?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Whole family. Billy had it. Your nicotine patch didn't work?

[D]

No, it did.

[A]

Viral infection shot. That's definitely a shot.

[B]

I was.

[A]

Think your nicotine patch didn't work?

[B]

No, I was. I was on the bandwagon. I was hoping it worked.

[A]

I was.

[D]

I was dancing around and then like, a little around. And I think that's who got me sick. And then I proceeded to cough in my girlfriend's mouth accidentally, and she got sick, and then everyone else in the house got sick.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

A baby came around when you were dancing. What was elaborate on that? You said you were dancing around.

[D]

No, I was dancing around, getting sick.

[A]

Oh. Oh, I thought you were dancing around and a baby came around.

[B]

You were kind of bug.

[D]

You were bug.

[A]

That's what you said. I'm sorry.

[B]

When I talked to you, you were like, I want to see if I can get.

[D]

I wanted to.

[B]

Yeah. He was bug chasing all Christmas.

[A]

I'm kind of jealous. You got it already before Right before filming. It would have been nice, but if.

[C]

You were gonna have it, I think you really got.

[A]

Because I've literally been talking to you non stop for the last two days. Yeah, I'm gonna get it.

[C]

No, but I'm saying Grace had it while you guys were in Europe.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So you don't talk about that.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

I don't believe it.

[B]

You dodged the plague. You're. You're in Europe.

[A]

No, everybody got the plague that I was with. Yes. Every single person. That's why I didn't fly back with them the whole wedding. Got the flu.

[D]

Pooping and coughing. Yeah.

[A]

And I was like, I'm not getting on that. So I went to London, dude. I went to Old London town. I went to the World Darts Championship instead.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Rock. Dude. I was walking into Little Wonderland. It was turds on a plane. It was turds on a plane. Oh, I was avoiding that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Stay in Europe for three days. I'm not getting on the third plane.

[C]

What was that chant? That was like the. The Ricky Hatton.

[B]

You remember?

[A]

Yeah, it was the. It's the exact same one.

[C]

It's the same.

[A]

There's only one Ricky Hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I remember buying into the fact that he could win.

[A]

Oh, we all did.

[C]

Oh, we all did.

[A]

Mainly because he was a white guy. And then the fight started. We went, whoops, Ricky Hatton.

[C]

Mayweather.

[A]

He fought Floyd Mayweather. And they made like. It was like HBO. HBO did like, the 247 leading up to it. And you're watching it like, dude, Hatton might win. Yeah. Although we've talked about before, I came back around when Floyd walked out to Born in the usa. Okay. And I was like, what am I doing, dude?

[C]

That's kind of nasty.

[A]

Why am I doing this?

[D]

I agree with you.

[B]

Is Floyd undefeated? Yeah, it's kind of nasty.

[A]

Yeah, he finished undefeated. He kind of kind of ducked some of the big guys until they were old. But he was old, too.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But he fought him when they were all geezed up. He was supposed to fight what's his name? Manny Pacquiao.

[D]

Like, forever T shirts.

[A]

It's awesome. Pacquiao.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He was amazing. His 247 was hilarious.

[B]

That was awesome.

[A]

It's just him. He would sleep in the hotel. He's Filipino. He would sleep in a hotel room with, like, 15 people. You would get like, a hotel, like a nice hotel and put 15 people. They'd be on every bar. I don't. What are you talking about?

[D]

That is literally you. That's You.

[A]

That's in a hotel room.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Let's bring 15 people into this.

[A]

Oh, no, I'm saying to go to bed, they would all sleep in there. And then he would sing karaoke in front of all them. Very seriously.

[C]

He would set up versions of that. You show memes very seriously.

[A]

I show memes very seriously.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You would love Kara. You would love karaoke. Seriously.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

If our whole group of friends was gayer, you'd be the happiest guy on earth.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

He'd be so delighted.

[B]

We were all like, myself.

[A]

We were all like, let's just sing tonight, guys. We don't need alcohol or to go out. Let's just sit around and sing. You'd be so happy.

[C]

You know, the one song that I really would like to get down. It's tough, but one bourbon, one scotch and one beer.

[D]

It's pretty easy.

[C]

Oh, no, because it's. It's like when he.

[A]

You're saying to sing.

[D]

Is that James or is that Thoroughgood?

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Can you sing? What do you have so far? Well, it's good acoustics down here.

[C]

No, no, because don't make.

[A]

Let's not. Let's just stop wasting time. You're gonna sing it. Don't make me talk you into this. Let's just do it.

[B]

Let's just see where you're at.

[C]

Yeah, well, but let's see. I forget. How's it start? It's like.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

He's like, I want to tell you a story about the House Red Blues.

[D]

You gotta get a little more guttery than that.

[C]

What?

[D]

You gotta get a little more guttery than that.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Guttery is a good word, actually.

[A]

Yeah. I wanna tell you a story.

[D]

That's a little Hulk Hogany.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now that they call the Clone Friend Blues.

[A]

It's getting close. Yeah.

[C]

Keep it going.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

I can't.

[C]

I can't see.

[A]

This is the problem.

[C]

I can't remember. Yeah.

[B]

The lyrics. You need a lyrics. Yeah. If you're doing Yoki, you need the lyrics for sure.

[C]

Hey, Siri, look up the lyrics to One Bourbon, One Scotch, One beer.

[A]

I'm with this for the next three months. Every day. You've been good, dude. You're two for two.

[D]

Take out the cheaters.

[A]

You're two for two so far. On days, you get two good filming, two good days. He has not been a little baby once.

[B]

Out of how many?

[A]

Well, it's two. We've only.

[B]

How many do we have down the pipe?

[C]

What he considers being a baby 40. True.

[B]

We should define terms.

[C]

Yeah. What's the baby going like, how are you doing?

[D]

And I go.

[C]

And then that's.

[B]

That's the vibe. You can't crush the vibe.

[D]

You gotta be like.

[A]

When you're walking in in the morning, being like, yo, what's up, Kirby Girby babies. And he's like, shane, I'm not in the mood for your stuff today. Okay, well, now you're gonna get the worst version.

[C]

I learned my lesson. Yeah, you get the vibes are a real thing.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to take a page from old black guys. They're the best at. Like, in a morning salutation, how you doing? I was like, woke up today, didn't I?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I love old black guys in the morning. Dude, they hit you with the best.

[A]

I did. Yeah. I basically had to do that in the shower this morning.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I was being a baby. I was like, I gotta wake up. Barely. It's like, dude, I'm making a show with my friends. Why are you this gay? Then you get out of the shower and you see your naked, fat body. You go, I'm a big fat. Yeah, what the fuck? First thing in the morning, self loathing. And then getting out and seeing a tiny, tiny penis. You go, jesus, we gotta make some changes.

[C]

There's no way you have a tiny penis.

[A]

For real. See these chest pieces? See these chest pieces? They were whittled perfectly. Yeah.

[B]

I've been hitting the cold plunge. I come back and take the shower. It's so.

[A]

It's literally tiniest.

[B]

I think it's my penis. I get my, like, born penis.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's crazy, dude. Yeah, like, dude, for sure, dude. Coming out of the cold punch. No problem. Just a pawn to be toppled.

[A]

Did you get the lyrics?

[B]

I did. I just.

[C]

I thought we were past it.

[A]

Oh, we're not moving past that. You still have the Masters app?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're not going back?

[C]

No, I don't.

[A]

You're out.

[C]

That was the. But you could. Because you could watch. You know, it's actually quite a good app for.

[D]

That's a review.

[A]

The Masters app for three days a year.

[D]

I got a golf fantasy league if you want to join it. Yeah, supposedly I'm not in it. I just was told golf fantasy league 100. Yeah. I don't necessarily know how you would do that. Do you just pick one guy?

[C]

I've never done golf.

[A]

I. I've seen people do it. Yeah, you get a couple guys.

[D]

It's very interesting.

[A]

Depends how they interesting. It's very interesting. That's interesting. I just never really heard of apac. That's interesting. I never even thought about apac. Like, well, did you take money from it? No.

[B]

It's just interesting. The fact that you're bringing that up is very interesting. That was the best answer of all. The best politician.

[A]

That was nice.

[B]

Just non answer was Gavin Newsom.

[A]

Yeah. He's on a podcast and they're like, do you take money from apac? And he's like, what's eight pack? Oh, eight pack. It's interesting you bring that up. That was it. Nobody kept being like, why is it interesting? He's like, no, it's just interesting because.

[B]

I haven't heard about them. You thought about them Forever apac. He also.

[D]

He's like bulletproof. Honestly, it's kind of crazy. Yeah. Just walks through everything. Was at the French Laundry during COVID when everything was shut down. Then he pretended to be black with the dude from the Pacers. It was like, stack wonder bread this high. So you never did that?

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

That's weird.

[D]

Like, it's almost racist how bad that lie is.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Just assuming all black dudes eat Wonder Bread.

[B]

He was claiming, I think single mother. He was claiming single mother household, which I think technically he was. He was rich.

[A]

Yeah. It wasn't his dad.

[B]

Minute his dad was at the picture.

[D]

Pelosi is his mommy.

[A]

No, she took care of him.

[D]

She adopted him. Yeah.

[B]

But I think then he got into like the cologne ads and. But I think before that stacking the. He's in like photography or some weird.

[D]

That tough on him.

[A]

Honestly, I like what he's up to.

[B]

I think the first. I think the first five years of his life.

[A]

I'm voting for Gavin.

[D]

Dude.

[A]

I'm a. Honestly, I'm a liberal.

[B]

He's the perfect politician, though. You got to give it to him. This episode. This episode during the prize this episode is brought to you by prize picks. Whether you're starting a new routine or making player picks for the first time, trying something new to be hard. But in life and on prize picks, it always feels good to be right. With high pressure playoff matchups every weekend and elite hoops action almost every night, the action never stops. And prize picks, you're going to love this. Lets you take control.

[A]

Yeah. I'll tell you what, Matt. Let me tell you something. I'm excited to see Christian McCaffrey.

[B]

Me too. I was going to say that's crazy.

[A]

I love watching Christian play.

[B]

It's so fun now he really something about it. I really like, really Balls out.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Wow. Matt, download the prize picks app today and use Code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Wow.

[B]

How about that?

[A]

That's code drench. Get $50 in lineups after you Play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks.

[B]

It's good to be right.

[A]

It's good to be right.

[B]

Yes. Hey, guys, real quick. This weekend, I will be in Houston, Texas, and then Dallas, Texas. I'll be in Houston Friday night doing stand up comedy and I'll be in Dallas Saturday night doing stand up comedy. Tickets to Dallas. Solid. Thank you. Dallas tickets to Houston. They're lagging a little bit. So if you live in Houston and you'd like to go see me do stand up comedy or you'd like to see me do some stand up comedy, please don't let the opportunity pass you by. If you don't want to, that's fine. I don't, you know, whatever.

[A]

But come on.

[D]

Yeah, he's bad.

[A]

Oh, you know what we could talk about? Because I heard you talking about it. What you're bringing. You're talking. I heard you talking about Trump Dog saying he doesn't have the Juice anymore.

[D]

He doesn't.

[A]

You gotta admit, the last two weeks, the Juice has been back.

[D]

The video you showed me where he.

[A]

Was and I sent him. I sent him to Matt, too. I can't believe how hard the Juice is going.

[B]

He was killing the.

[A]

I don't know how old it is, but he's on the. He's on Air Force One. You know how the reporters always talk to him? He stands, like, next to the bathroom. Yeah. They were, like, leaning on the wall. They're like, Mr. President, what was the MRI you got for? And he was like, I don't know. It was an mri. I can tell you it was not for my brain, because my brain's working. I just took a cognitive test and I aced it. Something you would be incapable of. All right, everybody. See you later. You too. Drills another reporter on the way out.

[B]

Also, I Noticed I watched a clip hitting an Asian lady with like, your brain sucks.

[A]

And when he walked away, 80 year.

[B]

Old guy is like, dude, you have all the confidence in the world.

[A]

And the Asian lady after he walked away was just like, yeah.

[D]

I think he's like becoming way too clear now. Like when someone's like about to die and like everyone's the room.

[A]

Shane Kirby knows everybody.

[D]

Yeah, just sharp as attack and it's just going to fucking collapse.

[A]

Dude. The Venezuela thing got me back. Did the memes, the meme leading up to Venezuela, I was like, don't go to war, dude. The last thing we want is a war. Fuck all that. One meme of Tekashi69 being saying, took that, stole that shit. That's what I do. As Trump, I was like, America rules. Take all their do it.

[D]

That's why they're like showing that the.

[B]

Tariffs, did it work or not?

[A]

Everything's definitely working. If it didn't work, they'd be talking about it.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that was the one thing that.

[A]

Was like tariffs, rule, setting us back.

[B]

400 years of diplomacy and then you never heard another thing about it. So yeah, you're probably right. The terrorists work Venezuela. So far so good. People were mad that as soon as he's like, dude, we're making $400 trillion.

[A]

Everyone'S like, dude stole that.

[D]

Yeah, they, that's what I do. They're shutting down like all the news stu stuff too.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Because it just works. If Shane watches reels, it's pretty much like someone watching Fox News.

[A]

Literally all I need. Yeah, show me a fighter jet reel, I go, yep, play the Macarena and slow. Yeah, play a slow version of the Macarena. Yeah, you horny for I want war. Back to war. Well, it's also doing really good. We can, whatever. Whoever's running that propaganda is killing it.

[B]

We have any Latin American country now, just like we had terrorism in the Middle east, we can be like, yo, there's selling cocaine. We can go take their natural. We have that locked for the next 10 years.

[A]

I will say Columbia's leader needs to shut the fuck up. They chirping do you see it, dude? As soon as they took Maduro, he was like, yeah, you won't do that to me, pussy.

[D]

Hear what they did?

[B]

They like turned the lights off.

[D]

They turned the lights off, but then hit people with like radio waves that got them sick and bloody noses.

[B]

What, like Havana syndrome?

[D]

Yeah, it was like debilitating where they're like, dude, there was 20 of them and 300 of us. And it was a massacre. It's like predators versus, like, humans. It's so bad. They're using, like, rough.

[B]

I mean, it is embarrassing. If I live in the country. They turned my lights off and took my president. You guys like, be like, no, we fought. It was a brutal fire. Just at least lie.

[A]

No, we turned the lights out. Turn them back on. We were the undertaker. It was literally the undertaker. The lights went out, the lights came back on. They were like, where is he?

[D]

It's like being down the basement. Someone shuts the light off.

[A]

Oh, there you got scary present left. It's so scary.

[D]

Just let out a few.

[B]

Yo, who is it?

[A]

Also. Also on Air Force One, they're like, they're calling it a. They're calling it a kidnapping and all that. And he's like, kidnapping? That's a good word. He's funny. I'm just saying he's funny about this. I agree that he's funny and funny, you know, great move to make everyone forget about Epstein.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, true. And he's. And also we needed something big man. Russia is on there. Russia's on the offensive. China's supposedly on the offensive. We can't just sit on our hands and do it. Might be probably we got to take something. What?

[D]

Like, I for real think that, like, Russia and China are fucked up. Like, China does. Has less drinking water in Saudi Arabia and they like, didn't let people have kids for a long time. So they're popular.

[B]

2030. Yeah, 2030. Those countries are going to hit it.

[D]

They can bought all the boats they want. Dude, the people are fucking disappearing and no one wants to bang Chinese dudes. And the Chinese chicks are leaving.

[B]

Wow, that's a tough one.

[D]

You shriveled. Your. Your bros. Everyone in there is pissed. They'll fucking go out swinging though, if you. If they have no pussy and it's just like, we got to ruin everyone else's time. That would be a crazy war. So I'll fucking kill myself.

[A]

Just go put yourself on somewhere.

[D]

You'll never get busy if you're a Chinese.

[B]

No water. No. Yeah, that's untenable. No, I don't care how many sweet bridges are being filmed on YouTube. I'm going to be like, you know what? This. This bridge is really helping me.

[D]

So subway that goes through people's houses is like.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Because they can't say no skyscraper.

[B]

And everyone else said, I've never gotten sold on the China hype.

[A]

The propaganda. That's the One propaganda that really doesn't work on me. Watch, like, a drone footage of, like, a city with neon lights. You're like, this looks like.

[B]

Yeah. And they're also like, oh, man, we might go to war with China. It's like, all right, if we. If we have. We do. We do.

[A]

If I have to, I will.

[C]

Glasses.

[B]

60 year old.

[A]

They went second around us.

[B]

No, that. Yeah. It's crazy.

[A]

You keep. They might cut off your steroids, though, if you talk me. The Chinese, the rhino pills.

[D]

You're snorting.

[B]

Yeah, I'm herbal, bro. You have to get India to take my ashwagandha. The Middle Easterners will take my shilajiti. I'm all herbal. They're saying I'm on steroids. I'm on all natural enhancers.

[C]

I. I completely believe you.

[A]

Oh, thank you. You off your knees? Don't be rude.

[C]

What?

[A]

Don't be rude. I'm complimenting. I'm complimenting the man. Genuinely. I'm saying you look like you're on juice. You go, oh, I completely believe you're not on juice. That's up.

[C]

Because he would be honest with. If there's one person that would be like, I'm doing it.

[D]

It's like the ring, dude.

[B]

Appreciate that. Yeah.

[D]

People start taking steroids and they get real weird, dude. They won't tell anyone. They're like, no, it's natural. It's natural.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Everyone who does steroids.

[B]

Not now, though, dude. The gym I go to, I sit in the sauna, and all the bros are like. They. They just, like, make fun of each other. They'll be like, I don't know. They're like, take a cycle, you. It's pretty funny.

[D]

Enlarge your art.

[B]

I heard clap.

[A]

Who was the guy?

[B]

Clavicle. Clavicle, Clavicular. Apparently. Allegedly. He's been on TRT since 14 and he smashes his jaw with a hammer every day to get micro fractures or gets a big. He's looks maxing real hard.

[A]

What?

[B]

Apparently he's a guy. He's looks maxed, like, since he was 14.

[A]

How close were you to considering.

[D]

Were you a part of the looks?

[C]

I watched the real life.

[A]

He'll do anything. Thought about it. He'll do anything to be part of the looks maxing.

[C]

If Looks maxing.

[A]

He looks maxes on. He looks maxes on set. I'd be, oh, you look max on set. Would you wear. When we're filming? He looked mad.

[B]

He.

[A]

He wears platform shoes.

[C]

I don't wear platform shoes.

[A]

He does. That is he does. You'll see.

[C]

That is so what's happening? No, These are gigantic.

[A]

How big would you say you're the soul of your Buddhist?

[C]

You know what?

[B]

They're.

[A]

Just give us one of these.

[C]

They're Echo shoes.

[B]

Shoes, bro.

[C]

Yeah, they're very comfortable.

[D]

Where'd you get them from? The $23 store.

[B]

Chester.

[A]

There was a place we're filming. Me and him are doing scenes. I'm going, hold on.

[D]

Shoes.

[B]

What?

[D]

There used to be a place in Chester where Every sneaker was $23, and that's probably where they sell it. Where'd you get Echo shoes?

[A]

Echo, like the one with the rhino on.

[B]

It's like seventh grade. Bad kid.

[C]

No, no, you got. No.

[B]

Echo's rebranded single mother shoes.

[A]

If they have rebranded. He's wearing the Shacks.

[D]

We eat in fourth grade.

[C]

So Echo.

[B]

Echo is for, like, the baddest bro.

[A]

You. How sick would it be if he started wearing, like, Echo hoodies? Like, the red one? Dude, that'd be so sick.

[C]

Cco.

[B]

I was first down.

[D]

Matt had an echo.

[B]

No, I was first.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I didn't. I did. First down.

[A]

There's. There's a thing called first down. Yeah.

[B]

First down was this. I said big. First down, bubble jacket. It was nasty as hell.

[C]

Was that, like, the starter jacket?

[B]

The first day it was echo first down. They were like.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

South Pole. South Pole.

[C]

That's pretty cool.

[B]

Yeah, it's nasty as hell.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Lugs. Lug shoes you had. They were like knockoff Timberland.

[A]

You were swagged out. I had. I did have lugs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I had lugs.

[B]

Lugs are nasty.

[A]

Bird for Catholic school. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, they're perfect.

[A]

Yeah, I would wear Timberlands.

[D]

Had a Miller shoes for a while. That's where the $23 store. I got B. Miller soldiers.

[B]

Damn.

[D]

They fell apart very quickly.

[B]

So you have the echo boots right now?

[C]

No, they're not boots. They're just loafers.

[A]

They're loafers that are for real. The heel is definitely that thick.

[C]

It just couldn't be further from the truth.

[A]

I'll take a picture and we'll add it to this.

[C]

It might be a centimeter. You know, it's not ideal. But the last year, because I wore work boots, and he was like, you're trying to heighten.

[A]

No, no, he tries to heighten.

[C]

Literally.

[A]

He got his shirts tailored.

[C]

They tailor them. Yeah, they tailor yours.

[A]

No.

[C]

Yes, absolutely.

[B]

No, they didn't.

[A]

They tried to, and I said, no. Just give me that one.

[C]

Okay, well, it's because your stuff fits. You But I have that weird body shoe so it like hangs over my hands.

[A]

My body's nuts, dude.

[C]

What? So anywho, I, I feel give me like, don't you know? I want baggy clothes this year. And it's very in style.

[A]

The baggie looks nice on you, honestly.

[B]

All right, thanks.

[A]

Yeah, so.

[C]

And then I got flat shoes and then he, to, to him, they're still platform shoes.

[B]

They're not.

[A]

I'm so excited to show you guys a picture of these boots.

[B]

I can't wait. I got accused of hype maxing on stage by an old lady.

[C]

Really?

[B]

I had the hoka. I had the hocus on and I was like talking about expensive purses and she had an expensive. I didn't even notice. And she like sick got mad at me for bringing up a designer bags and how much they cost. And she was like, well, you look at your shoes. Your knockoff shoes make you look taller. I was like, they're not hocus, they're not knockoffs. I was like, you should just talk about my tiny penis if you want to hurt my feelings. I had to kick out like a 65 year old lady. I felt terrible, started to cry.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

No, she started messed it up.

[A]

She's trying to say you're stealing Hype Valor. You gotta put her down.

[B]

Yeah, she could. There's nothing she could say to hurt me though. I was like, yeah, I'm short. Girls hate it.

[D]

You gotta go on one of those. You gotta go on one of those podcasts.

[B]

I'm sub 6.

[C]

What are you, 5, 11?

[B]

5, 10, 12? Sub 6. I'm a piece of trash.

[A]

You're not a piece of trash, man.

[B]

I'm sub six.

[A]

That could be why you're juicing as hard as you are. Well, I guess I'm subject your sub 6. You have to juice, dude. You must be clanging and banging in there.

[B]

Sub 6. If I get a girlfriend, best believe it's an abusive relationship. That's the only way I can keep a girl. Psychologically abusive relationship. That's the only way as a sub 6 I can keep a girl around.

[D]

I see them on Instagram every now and then.

[A]

What's that?

[D]

If you leave, you're hurting her. The guys that are like for real up the girls. That's wild.

[A]

It's nice.

[B]

What do they say? If you leave, you're hurting?

[D]

Like there's like if you leave right now, you know, I'm the only person that loves you. Everyone talks behind your back. I say that to Jeebles all the Time. I was like, this is why everyone talks behind your back.

[A]

Such a good move.

[B]

I'm gonna get into that Instagram content of, like, just making things, like, a girl's leaving, like, my impassioned thing to keep her safe.

[A]

Like that British guy that screams, that rules.

[B]

He's gonna mistreat you.

[A]

She's tired.

[C]

She's had enough.

[A]

She can't keep working like this. That's the Gerby baby.

[C]

What's that?

[A]

What are you up to, boy?

[C]

Well, I'm talking about.

[A]

You're square dancing. What? Let's talk about square dancing.

[C]

Square dancing, sure. We can talk about square.

[A]

You should see this.

[D]

I'm an eager beaver out there.

[C]

My what?

[D]

You're an eager beaver out there. Yeah, I am an eager.

[C]

I made one thing, and then Shane got all.

[D]

Hold on one second.

[C]

But I was gonna say about the Instagram reels, which. Because I sent you the thing. Mine was, like, genuinely, I think. I mean, it was. It was sending me stuff as if I was a girl.

[D]

What?

[C]

Yeah, because I was, you know, like, I entered the dating pool again, of course.

[D]

For sure.

[C]

And then I like, immediately, like, this.

[A]

Person that did, just splashing.

[C]

Really?

[A]

You got a dating pool? You cannonballed into that thing.

[C]

So. And then I. I suppose I was.

[A]

Just like, he's making a wave videos.

[C]

And it's just like, girl, if he doesn't. Blah, blah, blah. It's like a bunch of stuff like that. What? Yeah, it's kind of funny.

[B]

Man, that's awesome.

[A]

My favorite thing to do at work now is to show Gerby's brain rot. Yeah, he hates it. He has no idea what it is. I just hold it. I showed him, like, Crocodile Bombadiro, and he's just. I just don't get what's funny about this.

[C]

Yeah, it terrifies me that you find it funny.

[A]

I don't actually think it's funny. I do think it's funny. It is funny.

[B]

Did you ever see the videos and they showed the homeless people?

[A]

I swear to God, it's this. He's like, what's his name? Why is that alligator wearing shoes?

[B]

Hey, so the dating pool right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Back in apps.

[A]

He heads down to the honky tonk.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's learned of the moves. He knows the dances.

[B]

Dude. That's the way to do it, though.

[D]

Like, crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Line dancing is a ton of fun.

[B]

Yeah. That's the way to do it.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Can you grind?

[C]

Can I what?

[A]

Do you grind on the girls during the wine dance?

[C]

No, no.

[B]

Hands on hips. I guess.

[C]

Oh, no, no, no, no, it's not.

[B]

It's just like, you're next to them.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What's the one where you lay on the floor and do patty cake?

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

You guys all sit on the floor across from each other.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Do you remember that? Yeah. What is that?

[C]

I truly don't know.

[A]

That's your favorite one. You like that? Pair up with a pretty girl. It was nice. I was jealous watching that.

[D]

How do you send a message?

[C]

What does that mean?

[D]

To, like, a woman that you're line dancing with.

[A]

How do you go, hey, like, let's take this to the next level.

[C]

Oh, you. I mean, eye contact.

[B]

I think you just razzle her.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Afterwards, you go try and get a drink and just say, what's going on.

[D]

Evening, darling.

[B]

Yeah, that's nice. That's good, clean fun.

[A]

Have you ever gone.

[B]

I've never gone line dancing. I've salsaed a bit in my day.

[C]

Okay. I have salsa in college. That's great, dude.

[A]

It was psychotic.

[B]

So sick. Salsa.

[A]

He would love salsas.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. You got it. Line dance is all right. Salsa is just purely sexual, but.

[C]

Right, but I need a partner, too.

[B]

No, you can go find a partner there.

[A]

You find plenty of partners lined up. Dude, it's all brunched.

[B]

True. Lined up.

[A]

It was crazy.

[B]

Yeah. You can get a million. Salsa is all girls. If you show up and you're a guy, they'll definitely salsa with you.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And you'd wear a salsa outfit. I know you. You would definitely get into the. That fully. He'd have an unbuttoned 100.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's got a cowboy hat now and boots, too. Yeah, you got two. There's another one.

[C]

Well, because the first one, everybody says, this isn't a cowboy hat. It's a stetson. Open Runner 6X. It's A.

[D]

It's like Bobby Caldwell wears.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

So what is this. What is it, like, rounder on the top? What are we talking?

[C]

It's not rounder. It's the cowboy at the top cap. It's only about 4 inches.

[A]

Yes. It's like a fedora.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

It's not a fedora with, like, the governor cap.

[A]

No, he doesn't. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't wear it. He doesn't wear it in public. He goes home, he puts it on and he talks to his cat and he goes, get along, little doctor. And wears it in front of the mirror for Real Might be Steve Geen.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Cowboy, short brim.

[C]

And nobody. Everybody just. Just said, that looks awful. So then I ordered a 10 gal. What's that?

[D]

10 gallon, right?

[A]

Get a giant one.

[C]

So I got a regular one. And then everybody said, that looks like a cowboy hat. So now I wear that one all the time.

[B]

Have you worn the staff?

[C]

Not in public.

[A]

She's still at your house.

[B]

Golf course.

[C]

I wear it at home. And then I. I mentioned. But like when I work out, like always.

[A]

No, God damn it, no.

[B]

There's something about dressing up like a cowboy. I swear to God. I went to a western theme party. I put the gear on and was like, I understand.

[C]

On a cowboy hat you wear a.

[A]

Wife beater and a cowboy hat.

[C]

I mean, it's a home gym. There's a whales.

[A]

What music are you playing? Skill 20 fort minor.

[C]

There's.

[A]

If you.

[D]

You like Rip from Yellowstone, bro.

[C]

What is that Rip? Is that what he does?

[D]

He's a badass in Yellowstone.

[A]

I needed. I need a picture of this.

[C]

So please.

[A]

Tank Top, Cowboy Hat Workout.

[C]

The one song that really.

[A]

What a fifth grader would do.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

That's insane.

[C]

Look, it is what it is. It's true. How my brain likes to do it. And I'm doing it all right, because I.

[D]

It's stand for something or fall for anything. I'm behind you.

[C]

I recognize how big of a douche I.

[B]

Look at that kid.

[A]

Oh, no, it's. I think it's fun.

[B]

I think it's nasty.

[D]

You're kind of shredded, so.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. I don't know.

[B]

What are you hitting? Pull ups. Like, what are you hitting in the hat?

[A]

Yeah, he's rips. Pull ups.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I have a pull up bar and then. But it's. It's a cable machine, you know, like.

[A]

With two bow flex.

[B]

No, no, but you're hitting. You're just going. Hitting those things.

[C]

Hitting those things.

[A]

What is the jam? What are you listening to?

[C]

So there's a line dancing song called Fake id.

[D]

Damn.

[C]

From the movie Footloose, which I think your friend was in Miles Teller.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

The remake.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

And I could do that entire dance.

[B]

It.

[C]

It's advanced. I can do it.

[A]

Well, yeah, you.

[D]

Please.

[A]

No, not here.

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

Not right.

[C]

I mean, nothing's right.

[B]

Proper gear on.

[C]

Shane, I promise you before the show's over, I'll do it for you.

[A]

What was the song?

[C]

Fake ID.

[A]

Is it.

[C]

You can watch it on YouTube.

[B]

So the workout is. You're playing the song. And so are you. Are you like lifting and then hitting the hit numbers real quick. Yeah, that's nice.

[C]

I bounce.

[B]

Dude, I see more people in the gym who hit, like dance moves. Like choreography dance moves. Now it's not about. That's a song.

[C]

Yeah, this is a song.

[B]

Hey, that's awesome.

[C]

Oh, yeah, you know, it's good, man.

[A]

I can't believe you're wearing a tank top and a cowboy hat. Listen to that. Yeah, I like where you're at. I'm just envious.

[B]

Here's the question.

[A]

You're free.

[C]

All.

[A]

You're free, man. Truly free.

[B]

Say, say, you know, you hit the square dance. Bring a chica back home from the thing. Would you play some line dance while you guys are getting freaky? Why would that be the sound?

[A]

We've been discussing this as well.

[B]

What music?

[A]

Well, he's not afraid to hit the red light. He's got a red light. He'll turn on a red light.

[B]

That's awesome.

[A]

Actually in his bedroom for sex and.

[B]

Then treat it like an Amsterdam.

[C]

Have you never try.

[B]

Have you? As you get into colored lighting. I'm not. That would be sick.

[A]

Then he's not afraid to hit some Nine Inch Nails.

[B]

Nine Inch Nails?

[C]

Well, something like it. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Like aggressive stripper music.

[C]

But hold on a second. There's a larger conversation.

[B]

Nine Inch Nails are surprising. I'm not going to lie.

[A]

Nine Inch Nails is terrifying.

[C]

I do actually hit nine in coming.

[B]

Out from the bottom of the bed in the red light.

[D]

Nine Inch Nails.

[B]

For real.

[A]

Sleeper houses.

[C]

Sleep monster. That's.

[B]

Like.

[A]

I actually read a book on how to eat your. Just like.

[B]

No 9 inch left n your right leg over my.

[C]

So like I got to go cough.

[B]

Yeah, go ahead.

[C]

Cuz I left that book out.

[A]

Oh, God. So we can. Hold on. You got to hear this. They're. We're doing a. We're filming some at his house. So they did like a location scout to check his house out. And he's sick as fuck. He left his how to eat pussy book out open on the couch. On the couch. So when the whole crew and cat. No, he should have said he was joking.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Said he was in his room while they were looking because he's sick. And then they told me they heard him. Oh my God. They told me they heard him go, shit. He came out and grabbed his eating pussy book and they said it was on like. They said it was like five pages left it just. Which means he was reading it when somebody rang the doorbell. I was like, oh, oh, hello. Hey guys, we need the book. It's called she Comes First. He sent me passages. It's a disturbing read.

[C]

What?

[A]

She Comes first.

[B]

Written by a man or a woman? It's got to be written by a woman.

[D]

I used to watch all that when I was on YouTube. I would just say, how to make out the girl. How to grind.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

For any dance. Just trying to get as much as I could in the knowledge.

[A]

No, I. I remember Ian Kerner wrote it. So, dude, it's probably she Comes First.

[D]

That is a papaya.

[A]

The thinking man's guide to pleasuring a woman. You're a thinking man, so.

[C]

Yeah, explain.

[B]

I want to know the utterly humiliating. No, it's. Dude, who wouldn't want to know more about, you know.

[C]

No. When everybody came over because I had clean. The entire house was clean.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Except for, like, that book on my couch.

[B]

That's a statement.

[A]

It was a real statement to the rest of the cast or the crew. The whole crew saw it. This guy means business. Thank you, man. That's ready to eat.

[C]

First thing I said to them, I said, I'm so sorry. Don't tell Shane.

[A]

He all told me every single person.

[B]

Do you hit him with the rodent where you're just like this.

[A]

Like we're thinking it.

[C]

Classic. They can't assurance.

[B]

I mean, you never really thought to rest your hand on your chin. That would be ultimate support.

[D]

You learned. That is like.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

To do this whole time that what. What has, like, evaded you, that you got from this book, that.

[A]

That positioning is very important. Both of you need to be physically. Your bodies need to be comfortable because you're in it for the long haul. It's like welding. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, the build up. The build up sort of stuff.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And then like, what? Yeah, I was at.

[A]

What's the build up?

[C]

Like? I would just go originally, I would just go straight. Yeah.

[A]

Like a hungry dog. Yeah. They put the food bowl out.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

But now, you know you gotta be guilty. Oh, yeah. The trough comes out.

[C]

Get to it.

[A]

Yeah, it's happening.

[C]

And then just understanding that you could, like, you can use your gum to create pressure on the top. Like not the clearest itself, but the top of the clearance.

[A]

Gum. Gum.

[C]

Yeah, like your top gum. So you could create. You could create pressure there.

[A]

My dog will bite. No, explain this. You're putting your gum, like pinning it.

[B]

Down a little bit.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

You're pinning it down. And then you're using your. Your two fingers, which I can't do, which is. It kills me.

[A]

No, it's okay. You got One wild one. Yeah.

[C]

So you. But you can then, like, you know, put pressure on the. Like the G spot from under as you're like, creating pressure downward with your gum and then licking it over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She can't go anywhere. And I wanna you like an animal.

[C]

Hold on, hang on. So I don't play Night of Snails.

[A]

What do you play?

[C]

Well, so there was one song that I found very sexy. I had been on, like, an Only Fans. You know this person.

[D]

I had some lonely fans. Yeah, what's that? Lonely Fans.

[C]

Lonely Fans. I was a lonely fan subscriber to this woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

She's since deleted her.

[A]

Not that she got her out. She found out you were on it. She turned her straight.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

Wait, so what was she playing? What was the soundtrack?

[C]

The song was. So then I Shazam'd it.

[A]

That dude. How crazy is this? He told me that he Shazam'd while onlyfansing. While jacking off to onlyfans. While jacking off. Oh, you're just perusing.

[C]

Well, I had Jack.

[A]

You had already finished and then you said, what's the name of that song?

[C]

At a certain point you go, you know what.

[B]

What was that song?

[D]

Fair enough.

[C]

It was. It was called Bent or. No, wait, was that the name of the band? Yeah, it was called Bent by something German. Direwif orwolf. No, no, no. Beer is.

[B]

Is it like Dewhas Du Hast is what?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, it's got the vibe of that. It's got Knivesdale's vibe.

[B]

I got you. It's like that, like, industrial kind of metal.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. So then I tried one time to, like, have sex with him, but the timing of it, like a song like.

[B]

That, you know, Also the combo, like. Damn, where'd you hear about the song? You'd have to be like, oh, yeah. I don't know. I don't. Because you don't damage it from the overweight.

[A]

Yeah, there's. I can't find a bent.

[B]

Oh, no, man.

[D]

Sexist squid game.

[C]

It's not this.

[B]

That's not it. Yeah, I kind of like that. I like.

[C]

Up really quick into this.

[B]

You know what? I've seen on the plane a lot. I've been seeing older women with, like, mega big font reading erotica on the plane.

[D]

It's all they read all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's like teleprompter. I was. I was looking over the lady next to me today.

[C]

Licked wood or liquid L, I C, H, W O, O, D. So, like German.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

There you go. That's more like techno. That's more like techno.

[D]

Low rider.

[C]

I gotta get the good part.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[C]

Because it's like a. I just like.

[B]

When they get the bad guys and John Wick. Oh, wait, wait.

[C]

That's the drop.

[D]

Bro.

[B]

This red light. You're mad, bro.

[C]

You don't think that's sexy? What?

[A]

You're out of control.

[D]

I forget what they're called.

[B]

That's a thing.

[D]

That's like gooner music.

[C]

It's what?

[D]

Gooner music.

[C]

I'm a gooner.

[D]

Yeah, it's like battle faps and stuff. They'll do it to like.

[A]

Like that. I read a whole article.

[D]

It's like me and you would be like, yo, we're about to watch who can last longer. And then you just battle fap your gooner friend.

[C]

Oh, wait, Emma, what's a gooner?

[B]

Gooning's like. It's hardcore edging. It's hardcore. It's like if you were to get your basement and set up, masturbate.

[C]

Oh, no, I'm not a gooner.

[D]

Was that a compilation video? You were watching that song that.

[B]

Yes. No, no, I'm saying, was it like.

[D]

A compilation video of her?

[C]

No.

[D]

Oh, so it was just her masturbating song?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It wasn't one of those, like, follow the metronomes?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Like sissy Hypnos?

[B]

No, the metronomes kind of slaps.

[A]

Honestly, I'll give it a shot for a minute, then I'll go, what the is this? We've all tried, dude. Don't lie. The metronome. Don't even worry. We can't give you the metronome. You'll be too powerful.

[C]

Oh, I've seen it.

[A]

You'll be too powerful for it. You never tried it one day?

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fuck yeah, it is tough. Then you realize you're teasing yourself and you go, I gotta stop. This is kind of ridiculous.

[C]

Just a call back to my favorite episode you guys ever did with the Q plus one when you were talking about porn. And you. You, because you were accusing him of looking at. Really? And then you're like, what do you watch? And you were like, joi. And you. You go, that's an appetizer, bro.

[B]

You gotta have a warm up.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, shazaming a only fans video is impressive.

[B]

It is impressive.

[A]

I would.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I wouldn't think it's impressive.

[C]

Well, because I saw, you know, the sexy thing and I was like, yeah, copy, copy, paste. Yeah.

[B]

The best. The best porn video. And I've never seen anything like it ever Again, there's a guy out there who just lets women. Lets women hump his butt with their vaginas. And he claims to give them multiple O's from them humping his butt with.

[C]

With their vaginas.

[A]

I was like, wow, this is.

[B]

I was one.

[C]

That was one where I literally turned.

[B]

The porn off and went upstairs. I was like, I'm not sure. I, like, saw it and laughed. I was like, I'm done.

[A]

I can't. Yeah, it's hilarious.

[B]

But, yeah, he's just like this muscly man. He just sits there and chicks just hump his butt with the vaginas. He's title will be like, she came twice. And I was watching, like, wait, what?

[A]

I think this guy's begging for it. He's going, I'm not gay. I just like somebody humping my butt.

[B]

Like a woman humping here. Humping my butt and coming.

[A]

I bet that feels good.

[B]

You having a badge match you. Yeah, it's probably not bad. Probably tickles a little, honestly.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

A match.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Something to think about.

[A]

Something to consider.

[C]

I think I've seen that guy, though. But not from that.

[A]

At the golf course.

[C]

No, because.

[A]

Where'd you see him?

[C]

Well, because, like, come twice is like one of my fetishes.

[A]

Jeez.

[D]

Why. Why you gotta be wank battling someone?

[A]

No, definitely.

[C]

No, no. I just. Is that not a that. Well, first of all, it is a thing. There was a whole subreddit for that.

[A]

Twice. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing wrong with it. It's fine, man.

[D]

What's that, a man or a woman?

[C]

A man.

[A]

Oh, there's something wrong with him.

[C]

Yeah, because it's, like, so good that he premature and then they keep going. Yeah, right, but. And it's just like a really tiny, muscly guy that got. I shouldn't call him tiny, but yeah. And he would just get dry humped.

[B]

Yeah, dude, that's how I fell into the video, Okay? I was watching the guy get dry humped and I was like, all right.

[A]

If you kept.

[B]

If you kept following that, there would have been, like, a lady.

[A]

You follow the trail.

[B]

Yeah, dude, you were right there. All you had to do is dunk your head underwater. You would have saw him getting his.

[A]

That's the next video.

[B]

That'S so crazy we have. I forgot it was from dry humping. That's what it was.

[A]

The Gooners Roundtable.

[C]

Two overlaps of my fetish eye or whatever. You know, the.

[A]

The Gooners United.

[D]

What's the last time you used, bro? Been a little bit but crazy right now.

[A]

I'm telling you.

[B]

It's been a little bit. Texas does cure the sickness. You go down there, there's not a lot. Yeah, there's not a lot to be had.

[C]

It's like find it true.

[A]

Blood ounce. You'd sniff it out. Kindred spirit.

[C]

It's really kind of emergency.

[B]

It's like emergency fap.

[A]

Anymore Emergency fap. So he would scan his face as soon as he got off the plane. As soon as the plane lay in the airport going.

[C]

The government can know exactly what I just call.

[B]

Just call the Capitol. I've touched down up here. Here's my id. No, dude, that's.

[A]

I forgot.

[B]

That's how it started. It was. It was dry humping.

[C]

Yes. Because the. Because the whole.

[B]

Which comes from a panty job fetish. Yeah, I guess. Yes.

[A]

Hold on a second. Hold on a second. What's a panty job?

[C]

Panty job.

[A]

I got you. This is like the Belmar Brothers, dude.

[C]

So penny jobs. It's a whole world of ass jobs slash outer course.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

This is quite.

[A]

It rules what the. Is going on.

[C]

Slash unexpected sex, which is not as aggressive, it sounds like, but basically, how.

[D]

Are you doing all this and line dancing.

[A]

So you should see how horny is on the dance floor, bro. It's fucking crazy.

[C]

Jobs girl. Okay, so anyway, but we'll. I'll do this and then we could have that out.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So if you like, a real planned version of this would be nano job, which is.

[A]

Bro, I'm not kidding. You're hurting our show.

[C]

Oh, my bad. Well, I'm just saying. Anybody wants to know what. What we're talking about, Bring it all the way back. Easiest way to find this is through Mano Job, where there's supposed to be hand jobs. Mano. I think man is mono is Latin for hand. Oh, so mono job.

[A]

My bad.

[D]

It doesn't matter. It's going to hold your feet this way.

[B]

The Latin route.

[C]

But the general idea is.

[A]

What's the etymology of fanny job?

[C]

It's supposed to be. It's only supposed to be a hand job or a blow job or like a little grind session. But she gets so into it that, you know, like slides in a little bit for a little bit.

[B]

That.

[C]

That is.

[B]

It's a painting job, is when you stay out, of course, but you're kind of. It's like between skin and the panties and you're kind of like hitting that gap. Yeah, it's not bad.

[A]

I didn't know the name for it, but yes, I've indulged. Yeah. Shit's incredible. Yeah, it's a really great video. I've indulged great.

[C]

And so this guy.

[A]

Sometimes it's outside and it's a lady in a sundress. She just lifts it up. Nice time.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

They're kind of going belly to belly standing. Am I right?

[B]

I know.

[C]

Carrie Light.

[A]

What? You know her name?

[C]

Probably.

[A]

What'd you just say?

[C]

Carrie Light.

[A]

Is that her?

[C]

That is a lady that's on X.

[A]

Well, I need to know this because I've been looking for this fucking lady.

[D]

Oh yeah?

[A]

Yeah. I saw it years ago.

[B]

I have a lost painting job video that haunts. I can never find it. It was. I was like. Got to remember that. Woke up the next day and I was like, it's gone.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you want to send it to me? And I never.

[D]

You're might have reached the goon state.

[A]

Hold on. What did you say?

[C]

I do think I'm probably like in the top 1 to 2% a paint job of those videos. Yeah. And I'm not proud of that. I mean, I think it's pretty creepy.

[B]

I think it's not that bad job, you know?

[D]

Interested.

[B]

Paint job's not bad. It's when you like painting job's so innocent. And then you see the muscle guy getting humped in the butt by girls.

[D]

Yeah, but I mean clean.

[A]

Hey, Bill, take it easy, man.

[B]

Playing since last February.

[D]

I haven't jerked off since last February.

[A]

Wow. All right, cool.

[B]

Oh, you haven't even jerked.

[C]

Congratulations on your.

[A]

Thank you. Yeah, that's it. Well, it must be nice, dude. Yeah, I must be nice.

[D]

That's what Shane hit me with the first right when it happened.

[B]

My wings have been clipped so many times. Oh, I've. I've gone, no masturbation, no porn. And my wings have been clipped so many times. I've been flying. And then they just crash right back.

[A]

Sure. Decorous.

[D]

True.

[A]

That happens.

[B]

It's fine.

[A]

You know, there's nothing wrong with it.

[B]

No, I don't beat myself up about it.

[A]

Gotcha. Loud and clear. So, Gerbies, you're one of the. You're saying you're top 1% horniest guys.

[C]

You are one of the regrets saying that. I just think that it's not horniest guys. What I meant was like that style of video because there was a whole subreddit.

[A]

You've been locking it down. How long have you been holding it down?

[C]

For years.

[A]

Oh, really? You found your thing?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Do you have a alt account?

[C]

No.

[D]

Oh, you just go anonymous browsing what.

[C]

Did you mean by that? Like, I.

[D]

Do you have a Reddit just set up for you to watch porn?

[C]

No, I just have my regular.

[B]

Just rock it.

[C]

But it's not like I. Yeah.

[A]

You don't care.

[B]

Yeah. I'm like a public. Yeah. Trying to get, like, ready karma and.

[A]

Right.

[D]

You're not commenting.

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay. You promise?

[C]

Like, I commented like, not on get information.

[B]

Different.

[D]

Not on pool.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[D]

So I'm saying, like, you're not commenting on, like, the shit you're jerking.

[B]

No, I would say come to get information about Scarlet is fine. If you're.

[A]

She's beautiful. What's her name? Has anyone actually seen her face?

[C]

Comments name?

[B]

Yeah. If you're information forging, that's an acceptable comment.

[D]

Yeah. That's where I think.

[B]

What else does she have?

[D]

Bottom 10%. Because there's dudes commenting, like.

[C]

No, I was just saying insofar as, like, knowledge, the type of video.

[D]

Yeah, okay.

[B]

Yeah. No, it's always nice when you hear somebody knows what you're talking about in terms of something like that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because rarely do guys get to have conversations like this. We're in the. We're in the. You know, we're in my man cave, dude. Pool table. Sitting around talking jizz. That's what it's all about.

[B]

Camera setup's nasty.

[A]

Camera's nice.

[B]

It's that new 8K.

[A]

Spotify is gonna love. It is gonna go. Damn, these boys blessed us again.

[B]

The dog's playing poker.

[D]

Painting.

[A]

It does.

[D]

Spotify is gonna fafo, bro.

[A]

Chill.

[D]

You're gonna what?

[A]

Chill.

[D]

I don't know.

[A]

Oh, dude, no.

[D]

Oh, my God. There's boomers that, like, are going against, like, the ice people protesting, and they're, like, scream at him. And the guy's, like, saying, like, oh, Trump. And these, like, gender goblins get around.

[A]

Him and steal his glasses.

[D]

But he's like, 55, 60.

[A]

He starts to run and just falls, like, each falls ass up. Dude, he slides on all fours with his ass up. The worst fall you could imagine. Like an a. It looks AI the type of fall, you know, people don't fall like that. This is fake.

[B]

What side falls? Like, what side of y'?

[A]

All he was on? He was like. It was. Yeah, he was walking through a protest and he was like, wish kid steals his glasses, falls ass up.

[C]

I saw that.

[D]

He got back up, and then a dude kicked his legs out again. He just went, like, face first into a curb, man. Like a huge gash. And had no idea what the was going on. Still Trying to fight.

[B]

Go home, man. Everyone needs to go home on those things.

[A]

Time to go home.

[B]

Too dangerous.

[D]

That's how all boomers will die.

[A]

Walking by protest.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Beat the out, you guys. You're lucky I don't just get a heart attack. They're so frail, bro.

[B]

Clear the cul de sac.

[D]

Like, boomers have not ran in 30 years. Yeah. If you try to start running, dude.

[B]

It'S over for them. Yeah.

[A]

If you.

[B]

If you go from no exercise to, like, political violence.

[A]

Yeah. Fist fight, a wrestling match and a fist fight, you're dead.

[D]

Equilibrium is probably, like, real up, bro.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's been my take from all the fights. It's like, go home, dude. No one's built for this, dude. Stay home. Hit it on Facebook. All caps on Facebook. Yeah. Stay in your space.

[A]

Hit them on Facebook.

[B]

Do not take it to the streets right now. At least let the weather get nice.

[A]

Chilly, dude. It is too cold.

[B]

Freezing, dude.

[D]

That guy was in his glory, though. At first. He was so happy. Yeah. That he took it to the streets.

[A]

You got to just let the people take your glasses. You got to just go. Yeah, you got my glasses.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He fell up with his legs, like, sprawling. Yeah. Knees kind of out also, dude.

[B]

Imagine, though, if you're. If you're crushing Fox News all day, every day, and the fucking lib protesters hit your block. There's.

[A]

I think they. I think Fox is trying to get us into some Iran right now. I think we're back on it.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Because they're having protests, and we're like, we're with you. We're with the protesters.

[D]

We didn't start this.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. They're like, yeah, there's protests for, like, a regime change. That's all you gotta do, dude.

[B]

Say our name.

[A]

Say it one more time.

[B]

Yeah, true.

[A]

We're candy, man. Say regime change three times in a myriad. Columbia. I'm telling you, they got two more Bogota. They made a mistake.

[B]

I mean, here's the thing, though. Do you think Venezuela is going to kind of boss up since they have all this investment getting poured in? If I was a president of Colombia, too, I'd be like, you won't fucking pour a billion in my country.

[D]

Tell me what they're doing. Like, they get. They went through hyperinflation in, like, 2016, and then all these, like, doctors and shit were getting paid, like, 50 cents a day doing captchas to train AI to get the smarter because, like, AI has a hard time doing, like, how many bosses are in the Squares.

[C]

So like these people just got like.

[D]

Decked with hyperinflation and then start doing captchas all day long for like food? Pretty much, yeah. It's tough deck cards to get dealt.

[A]

That is.

[B]

It is a tough one.

[D]

I stand with my Venezuelan people.

[A]

Me too.

[D]

I'm liberal.

[A]

I'm liberal.

[B]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess the lives do stand with Venezuela.

[D]

You want to build the wall?

[A]

No, I don't. No, I don't. Dude, don't even joke about that. I'll beat your ass.

[D]

Well, I just went to a crazy showing for a house where.

[A]

Yeah, this is wild.

[D]

Down, down.

[A]

Oh, man.

[D]

I was like going through one. It's sick. And then like, we're going through it and then the garage is awesome, but like on the floor of the garage and like these red letters was 14 a lightning bolt 88. I was like, no one knows what this means.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, is it. Is that SS?

[D]

Oh, yeah, it's 14 is like the letter. The 14 words. They live by an 88 tail Hitler.

[A]

Damn.

[D]

He's a proud white man.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

All the proud white man.

[B]

Open house.

[A]

Also using Zillow. Yeah, just a beat of. Yeah, it is funny that Nazis still have to do all that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My house is on fucking Zillow. Fucking bullshit.

[B]

Checking your zestimate too on Zillow and going like, soon as it goes down, you're like, start looking around like, where are they?

[A]

Who am I gonna blame for this? Oh, never mind. I remember.

[D]

I remember Walter 50,000 over asking. Yeah, it. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, that's pretty. That's. I mean, borderline exciting.

[A]

You never really see stuff like. Yeah, you never see an actual sweet.

[B]

I knew of somebody. Holy. I knew. I knew of somebody who was in like a long term relationship with this guy and like, it got pretty serious. And then they finally realized this guy by night would be online, like full white supremacy and had to like break the relay. They were dating for like years. And the relationship logs. She got the chat, I think logged onto the computer, maybe thinking, like, is there any hoes in this house? And it was just straight up like, we must preserve the future for the wedding. She was like, God damn. Jeez, I love Nazi. Just like working by day and then, you know, by night.

[A]

He's trained by day, train by day, hate by night.

[D]

Literally everybody on the Internet who comments.

[A]

On wouldn't shave my face.

[B]

It's just so funny to like, you.

[A]

Know, I don't know what you're laughing at. Liver king is literally going to break through this window.

[D]

I Hope he does, dude.

[B]

You want him.

[A]

Why are you talking like this?

[D]

Put me out my misery.

[B]

Nah, Liver King would respect that, bro. If you knew you were close to suicide, he would probably hit you with the ancestral tenants and build you up. It's the kind of guy he is. For real.

[D]

Honestly, I like Liver King. I just, I wish he never lied, that's all.

[B]

You see him in front of the crumble cookies with like swinging clubs and I like that.

[D]

Crumble cookies so bad for you. Crumble cookies.

[A]

That's why Li King's out there with a club.

[D]

He went to whatab burger one time with his sons and got like a crazy ass meal. Got like 50 burgers.

[A]

Clip it. Joke World. Joke World. Billy McOsker. Liver King went to water burger, got a crazy ass. Me got to see the clip. It's fy crazy. Crazy.

[D]

He said he was gonna teach his sons how like normal people got to eat. And it was like 50 burgers, 20 fries, milkshakes, sodas.

[A]

Yeah, like me sophomore year, high school dude. And the boys would go, baconator.

[B]

It's not just Liver King. There's a couple bros out here right now stopping people from going into fast food places and they offer you 100 bucks. They're going into Taco Bell. They go, I'll give you 100 bucks.

[D]

I'll walk home, get out of my way. Give me a cheesy gordini.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Did you see a lot of people? People, they see the hunter, they go.

[A]

I don't give a Taco Bell.

[B]

Also you have it on the mine. So you go.

[A]

If you're in the parking lot of Taco Bell, almost nothing can stop you. You've, you've driven there. I know you're, you're going in.

[B]

It's just funny. You watch it. You go, nah, nah, it.

[A]

I'm going to eat this. I love cheesy Gordita Crunch wrap supreme.

[D]

I tried to get one in Mechanicsburg. When I left after going to the racetrack, they my order up.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

What happened?

[D]

They gave me rabbit food and I.

[A]

Was just like, whatever.

[D]

Probably better off not getting it.

[B]

What was it?

[D]

Tomatoes and lettuce on the cheese, bro.

[B]

How do they, how do they forget the meat? It's how I've known people. It's happened to a McDonald's where you get a burger.

[A]

No, I think they had meat as well.

[D]

Yeah, the meat, they had everything.

[A]

He just doesn't like vegetables at all.

[B]

Oh, they put the pick it off.

[A]

I agree.

[D]

It's a cheesy gordita Crunch.

[A]

You got the Supreme? They gave you the Supreme.

[C]

Cold true.

[B]

Didn't take off. Tomatoes.

[A]

You guys should have. I don't even want to bring it up.

[C]

What?

[A]

The square. The line dancing. Oh, okay. It makes me sad.

[C]

All right, well, if it makes you sad. Yeah, it's.

[A]

I've told them both already. Oh, the way you rushed into the room and pushed a girl out of the way to dance next to your sweetheart.

[C]

Hey, take your sweetheart. She.

[A]

She was very, very pretty.

[C]

She's really pretty. But.

[A]

You know, he shoved a woman out of the way, like, literally. And the woman wouldn't hold on. What was that?

[C]

It couldn't be further from the truth.

[A]

Are you sure?

[C]

Did I shove a woman out of the way?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No.

[A]

Did you put your hands on her? No. You never touched her?

[C]

Absolutely not.

[A]

I watched you touch her. Okay. You were like, literally, like. No.

[C]

Could I imagine a scenario where you.

[A]

You boxed her out, physically boxed her out, and started dancing while kind of.

[C]

Said you and you're not you?

[A]

Well, hold on. Because further from the truth is crazy.

[C]

The way that you phrased it. I didn't like it.

[A]

It made me sound boxed out instead of shoved.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And dancing while boxing out a little going. Come on.

[C]

No, it's not that again. We can't have this conversation because you're too upset by it.

[A]

Everyone saw it, okay? We could bring down a witness. We could bring down two witnesses right now. And he was dancing with a very pretty girl.

[C]

Let's address what's actually happening here, which is I'm the only one dancing. So Shane wants to go to watch me to find a reason to get upset by what I'm doing.

[A]

No, I was very excited for you. And I was happy for you. Honestly, I was happy for you the entire time.

[D]

That's a bully.

[C]

It was what was going on. There's nothing I was gonna do that wasn't fall under the gaze of scrutiny. Yeah, because that's what he's there to do.

[A]

No, I was there to drink and.

[C]

Have a good time, which is watching me.

[A]

Watching you dance?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, but you like dancing, so what's the problem? I like watching you dance.

[C]

It's hard because you're watching to make fun of me.

[A]

No, no, no.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

I was excited to see your moves, and you had good moves. And I was saying, damn, Steve, you're pretty good at this.

[C]

Okay, fair enough. So anyway, I was excited. I had two dances I knew how to do. One of them came on. I boxed out one of our colleagues to dance with this Pretty woman. And he called me out on it.

[A]

He was right.

[C]

I shouldn't have done it.

[A]

It was the line right in front of us. So it was like, from me to you. I was sitting down. I watched Steve come running back from the bar with two drinks because he went to get us drinks. The song started playing while he was at the bar. So he was in a hurry to get back because he wanted to show this lady the move. Yeah. Which I understand. Then he comes running back, puts him on the table. There's now, since he left, somebody filled his spot in the line dancing. So the only place he could go to get next to her is to push that person out of the way. And I knew he was gonna do it. And I sat there and watched him put the drinks down and start to shove a girl out of the way who didn't move, which was pretty crazy.

[B]

That's pretty wild.

[A]

She didn't get out of the way. She kept dancing. Dancing. While he was like, she's awesome, by the way. What's that? We know her. She's awesome. Oh, I. I think she's great. I was so happy. She stood her ground.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I was so proud. But while he was doing it, I said, steve, you're the horniest guy on earth. And then he stormed off the dance floor.

[B]

He's like, don't call me horny.

[A]

Storm down.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't like when he yells that stuff. Shane doesn't like when you talk to women. I've never been in a situation where if I'm talking to a woman that you don't come up with, and I don't.

[B]

Hold on. You're telling me he's a bit of a player hater?

[C]

I say, yeah. I say he's a player.

[A]

I will say, I do hate the game.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't typically. I don't hate a player. I hate the game, dude. I hate it if I see someone doing moves to try to get a.

[C]

Girl or just talking to a girl.

[A]

Talking to a girl. You talked to several women that night. Did I interrupt once?

[B]

No.

[A]

I rest my case.

[C]

All right, fair enough.

[A]

Now, when you shove the coworker out of the way to get next to a woman, did I speak?

[C]

It was a sloppy move. I regret was incredibly sloppy.

[A]

Did anything come of it? No. As soon as he stopped a jack, dude with a mullet came over and started grinding on that girl. Several other women were talking to him the whole time. And I was. I was delighted for you.

[C]

That's very nice.

[B]

Have you sent you over the edge.

[A]

Box out was. Especially when it. When it's. Because the whole time I saw him coming and I was like, there's no way he's about to do what I know he's about to do.

[C]

I'm imperfect.

[A]

If any of my friends boxed a girl out to get next to a girl, I'd be like, yeah, it doesn't matter who it is. I go, what the fuck you doing, dude? That's crazy.

[C]

You're so horny.

[A]

Yeah, if you're the horniest guy on Earth.

[C]

Dude, stop.

[A]

Yeah, dude, if you watch me box out a girl to get close to another girl, what would you say? I would be so happy.

[D]

I mean, even Jesus dropped the cross three times.

[A]

Yeah. There's nothing wrong with it.

[B]

True. Especially the being at a bar, hearing the song coming on, knowing the babes.

[A]

There going, oh, this is my song.

[B]

It's a pressure.

[A]

He was excited.

[C]

I made it.

[D]

Sometimes people do stupid shit when they're revved up and I'm allowed to say it.

[A]

I'm allowed to go, do what the you doing? Yeah.

[B]

If this is how we do it comes on, I'll go, you're getting my favorite song now.

[A]

Would you shove a woman out of the way to get close to a woman?

[B]

See myself. I could see myself shove. Making the mistake of boxing out for sure.

[A]

Under oath. I would describe it as a slight shove under oath.

[B]

Okay, Box with elbows. How about that? Is that a fair.

[A]

It was a foul if it was on the basketball court. Teed him up. He was. Draymond. It was a physical. Box up.

[C]

I can't wait to have eyes on you.

[A]

I couldn't.

[C]

Can't wait.

[A]

Please, Steve.

[C]

To gain.

[A]

You talking to women, Steve, you'll be in bed when I'm talking to the babes. I don't talk to a woman before 10pm that's vamp life, dude. Yeah, I just start staying up late on my. Ow.

[C]

I start staying up late, I'm going.

[B]

To watch New Vamp Life.

[C]

You're horny.

[A]

I would love that. I welcome that. I welcome that type of scrutiny. No, you need to know I'm not a crook.

[B]

It would be funny if you just got hammered trying to stay up late.

[D]

And then he was on, like, a.

[B]

Movie date, and you're like, you horny?

[A]

Could have him removed from the building. Now, I'd like you please answer me. What would you do if you saw me kind of going like this to one girl to go to the girl next to me? What would you say?

[D]

I put the blinders on Let you get to work.

[A]

You're fib. I would get the work. I mean, it don't fit to me like that.

[D]

I would not. No.

[B]

I'm more a tabulator. I would tabulate. I'd wait till later.

[D]

That's interesting.

[A]

That was crazy.

[B]

You did that wild one.

[A]

I couldn't contain myself once I saw it. I was like.

[B]

Yeah, well, especially you were.

[A]

He.

[B]

It was like he was jammed up to get to the floor. And you had. You were in clock and you were like, I know it's about to happen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which is also another big pressure. So when he hit. When he hit the. Hit the foul.

[A]

But I. I mean, I'm sad you think that I was there to criticize you. I told you I wasn't. I was. I was there. I was genuinely happy to watch you. You were frolicking night.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

But. And I do also want to say that I appreciate being, you know, teased about stuff like. Because it's important to have checks and balances.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

And it is true that, like, but for you, in my life, I. I'd probably be.

[A]

You'd be doing that for real a lot. You'd be doing that a lot.

[C]

A lot.

[A]

There's no doubt.

[B]

If a player's in the game, he needs rules.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

True.

[C]

I'd run amok.

[B]

Have you.

[A]

He's not afraid to run amok.

[C]

If I didn't have a fishbowl, you know, I'd be.

[B]

That's how surprised sex happens.

[D]

What have you pulled from swear dancing yet?

[C]

No.

[D]

Interesting.

[A]

I watched it. You definitely pulled. You were doing well.

[B]

Seeds are planted.

[A]

I saw some numbers get exchanged. Oh.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

I went out on a few dates with.

[B]

Yeah, there we go.

[A]

Yeah. And very attractive women. Nice work.

[C]

Oh, thanks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's just because of the show, so.

[A]

Yeah. No, you gotta do something. Who gives a. What else are we doing?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's nasty.

[D]

It's. All those years of hard work.

[A]

It did hurt. It did hurt when the Jack Smollett guy came in and stole your big.

[C]

No, that guy's awesome.

[A]

First of all, nobody's. I see what's going on. There's a lot of wolves in that building. Yeah, There's a lot of. There's a lot of cowboys in eastern Pennsylvania. Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of guys role playing in there for girls.

[B]

Yeah, true. I mean, that's a classic shepherd dude.

[A]

Basically. Chris Kyle or whatever. Is that his name? Chris Kyle, the American Sniper? Yeah. You got. You're either a wolf or a shepherd son. Or you know. Or a sheep. Which one are you? I'm a shepherd. You're a wolf. But there's me, big time. Dude, you pushed a sweet sheep out of the way to be a predator.

[C]

That's no sheep.

[A]

And that's a shepherd. She's no sheep.

[C]

No, that's. That's.

[A]

She's no sheep. She thinks she's up to no good.

[C]

Not that she doesn't do good, but that's. You know, there's. She's. That's.

[A]

That's. Yeah, I mean, I will say her sticking around seemed like she was being funny.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because anybody else would have got out of the way.

[C]

She is very funny.

[A]

She stayed there because she knew what he was doing. Yeah. Yeah. She kind of. She kind of was like. She kind of was like, what are you gonna do about it? Type. And Steve was ready to go. He would go as far as it took. If I didn't intervene, you would have thrown her to the ground.

[D]

The young men that go to line.

[C]

Talking into each other while doing this. He has a crowded floor.

[A]

It was a. I would describe it as a square. And they were at the corner, the front corner.

[C]

Why I just exclude myself again?

[A]

Ian, there's no other spot for him to go. Right there. And he went, yeah, I was wrong.

[B]

I liked it.

[D]

Ow.

[C]

I was wrong.

[A]

He's a wolf, dude.

[C]

I was wrong and you embarrassed me.

[A]

Sorry. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to do that to you.

[B]

Rerun the clip of the Liver King at the water.

[A]

I. Liver King went to Whataburger with his friends and had crazy meals. Billy McCosker hour.

[D]

It's hard sitting next to breaking balls.

[A]

A colossus in the game.

[D]

It's like, I can't keep up.

[A]

Shut the up, Billy. No, I think you're the funniest colossus. You're the funny dude. Shut the fuck up.

[D]

Found you. Must be a.

[A]

You're the funniest.

[B]

It was so funny.

[D]

I thought about it then, you know, sometimes. You just said, I did.

[A]

Trust me.

[B]

Look, I hear you. Well, here's the thing.

[A]

I'll say, yes. This is going to be on the best of 2026.

[D]

Those that go to line dance, the young kids are going to line dance. You got to watch out for them.

[A]

Yeah, they got 1488 in their garage. No, they don't.

[D]

They're like the line dance answers and stuff for the kids. You see those kids that are like 24 posts and they're like, get ready with me. A life in the day of a 24 year old in, like, Houston.

[A]

That's exactly who that was.

[D]

Mr.

[A]

Steal your girl. That was Mr. Steal your girl.

[D]

They're terrifying.

[A]

He was a handsome fella.

[C]

Gotcha.

[A]

Yeah. The guy who came in and stole your prize.

[C]

It was not my.

[D]

You paraded around.

[A]

You were going for it.

[B]

Yeah, she was.

[A]

You were. You were dancing for a while. She was showing you. She was teaching you moves.

[B]

That's so.

[A]

Can I say something?

[C]

And then.

[B]

Yeah, sure, for sure.

[A]

And we're back.

[C]

Yeah, fair enough. That last bit.

[A]

No, no, I think it's fair, Steve.

[C]

It's context.

[B]

Context.

[C]

Match.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you want to look like.

[D]

A freak, you know?

[A]

Yeah, you're totally fair.

[B]

You. We're allied right now on this episode. You and I are allies, dude. We're. You're.

[A]

You guys have all been allied with.

[C]

Sweet.

[A]

You guys have been allies. McCusker brothers are on your side. It's me against the world. I'm Germany. I'm Germany. Sorry, sorry, I called Germany. You're England. No, I'm not England.

[B]

Well, you forced your hand. You're in a situation.

[A]

I had to do it. Bowling. I had to take bowling right away. You're France, dude.

[D]

Ussr.

[A]

You're next. Oh, no, you're not France.

[D]

I'm ussr. When I kill myself.

[A]

Yeah, kill myself. I'll kill everyone here.

[D]

I'm going starve to death in front of you.

[C]

Do you remember when we put the crippling financial sanctions on Russia?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Supposed to, like, put them back to the stone Age. Like, what happened there?

[D]

Money's fake.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, is that recently?

[C]

No, that was like, back then, everyone.

[D]

Changed your profile picture to the Ukraine flag and said, like, Russia, well, they.

[B]

Had that pipeline they supplied, only supply Europe with all their natural gas.

[A]

So I think then something happened to it. I don't know. No one even knows. Somehow somebody blew it up. We wouldn't do that to our allies.

[B]

Anyway.

[C]

So I didn't mean to kill the conversation, but whenever it was talking about Venezuela, I wanted to say that too.

[D]

Remember?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Like it was supposed to be back to the stone Age. And it's like, if. What's. How is that still working?

[B]

The prediction is they're going to grind their economy to, like, dust with the war and eventually they'll collapse again. Okay, that's the prediction.

[A]

The equipment I've seen them using over there, though, it can't be that fucking expensive. It's like a fucking tank. It's like a. Yeah, it's covered in battle for real. They have to have battlebots tanks because they get hit with drones.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So the older tanks have like, like 10ft of hanging off of.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

And their drones are like Best Buy drones.

[A]

That's all you need.

[D]

It's like 30 grand a month from Best Buy. Funds the war.

[B]

Honestly, I wonder if after this war they'll get brought into the fold on favorable terms.

[D]

Never.

[A]

Russia has the worst luck.

[B]

Why?

[D]

They just been getting on.

[B]

They've been on forever. They really have.

[D]

Why would they hate Russia, bro?

[B]

But they didn't. They help us big time in WW2.

[D]

Yeah, no, everyone forgets about that.

[B]

They helped us.

[D]

And on this podcast, we don't bring up past wars. That's my one rule. Michael. Michael from Love on the Spectrum started a podcast and he was like, in this podcast, we have one rule. We do not speak on past war.

[B]

That's a good Rolex.

[A]

Good for him. Did he get he could get his hands on the wrong book?

[B]

Lose the liquid death money.

[A]

Yeah. Dude, I don't want you to feel bad about anything you do.

[C]

No, time out. I don't want you to feel bad about or worry about it because I truly mean what I say about that, which is like, I need checks and balances on.

[A]

Well, I like what you're doing. Cowboy hat, tank top, Snake boots. I support that.

[C]

They're not snake, but I do have cowboy boots.

[D]

You should think about getting snake skins or gators.

[A]

You could be the man in black. Dude, get all black. Black cowboy hats.

[C]

No, no, it's all like browns and tans.

[D]

No. You got a peacock a little bit.

[C]

No, no, I've just moved on. Yeah.

[D]

Not even a feather in your cap?

[C]

No.

[B]

I would wait to be master of the dance before you go all black.

[C]

Yeah. No, but Evelyn, Yeah, she got me one that was really funny.

[A]

That's awesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you think you're going to stay line dance or move on to different.

[C]

I've already started doing some jive.

[B]

Here we go.

[C]

Yeah. Jive. What are you going to see? It's in the show. It's like. Because before the customer walks in today, like, I'm demonstrating to Kyla some new dance techniques. Yeah. We're excited to have you tomorrow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's going to be a class.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Good old time.

[C]

Sorry, this is a boring topic. Really quick, but has anybody seen the rehearsal two, like the one where he goes and he. Never mind. All right. What is that, Fielder?

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

What's the rehearsal too?

[C]

It's like that Nathan Fielder thing on hbo.

[D]

Goes into an airplane.

[B]

Yeah. I'VE heard of it. Yeah, I heard it's really good.

[C]

I thought it was so funny, but.

[A]

We haven't seen it. I'm excited to see jive. What type of music is played during jive?

[C]

Like jazz dance?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that kind of stuff.

[A]

Yeah, Baby.

[D]

Baby.

[B]

Looks like it's gonna hit stuff like that.

[A]

Yeah, it's like big band. Yeah. Isn't that what it's called? Big band and swing? Yeah.

[D]

Our grandfather liked big band. He also loved Herb album.

[B]

Her grandfather.

[C]

You're creating a monster.

[A]

I try so hard, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Just a minute ago I was apologizing and then you hit me. With you dancing the.

[D]

Baby.

[A]

Baby. That's.

[C]

Socks ass.

[D]

What's the next step after drive?

[C]

Whatever comes up on the YouTube.

[A]

I really need you to get into cropping. Yes, please. Get into crumping.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, I do.

[D]

I do.

[C]

At some point though, I want to show you the fake id Line dance.

[A]

Because I'm going to. I'd like to see it when we finally get a day off. I'd love. I'm going to go back to line dancing with you. Yeah.

[D]

That's awesome.

[A]

I love it.

[C]

That's when we're gonna have to shove some people because I need a lot of space.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, you go.

[D]

True.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We can clear it out for you.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

That place would be so hyped if we cleared it out for you to dance. Yeah.

[B]

To make the accountant.

[D]

Dude.

[A]

What's that?

[B]

Do you ever see the account too?

[A]

No.

[B]

Dancing. And they get in a big fight.

[D]

Two brothers.

[B]

They love each other. You're a. Line dancing. They get a big fight.

[A]

That is gonna. It's exactly what's gonna happen.

[C]

Well, you can look it up. It's called Footloose. The remade fake fake id. And then it's.

[A]

And you've mastered the dance from the movie or is it just the.

[C]

I definitely have it down. I wouldn't say mastered it because there's.

[A]

I mean they're. Dude, there's people at that line dance. The black dude and the white guy, they were killing it. Nasty. Yeah, it was enjoyable to watch.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then a lady.

[A]

Yeah, people take it very seriously.

[B]

Oh yeah, it's tight.

[A]

And then Gerbies gets out there.

[C]

And then what? It was all over. Then Shane danced Drake.

[A]

He started playing Drake Once everybody lashed. I got out on the floor.

[C]

This lady was being mean to him for no reason.

[D]

What the hell?

[A]

Oh yeah, I forgot about that.

[C]

Like straight up yelling at him for something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was that?

[A]

What did she say?

[C]

She was just Saying like, you're. I'm not good, or. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, it was like sitting down. She came over like, hey, fuck yeah. Like, I was like, all right.

[B]

She might have been nagging you, though.

[C]

And I. I tried to just like, walk between them. And then he was like, he. Shane just kind of was like this. And then he gets.

[B]

Don't worry about it.

[C]

And then he's like. To her, he's like, you. Thumbs down.

[A]

That's just good clean fun.

[B]

It's good clean fun.

[A]

Back to Drake dance.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Getting the thumbs down. That's what she gets.

[A]

That's all you need to do to somebody.

[C]

Bill.

[A]

Don't be afraid to talk after the Whataburger thing.

[C]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

It's just hard to keep up after the Whataburger fiasco.

[D]

Maybe he just edited me out of the entire thing. No, we're playing at least 10 times. I should roll.

[A]

That was so good. That's the page on episode.

[B]

I should roll. No.

[A]

Who hit that burp?

[D]

Probably Matt. Matt might have. Oh, wow.

[A]

Yeah. I'm sorry. Am I crazy?

[B]

I really apologize.

[D]

I didn't know.

[B]

And then you said that. I'm like, my mouth does taste pretty horrible right now. I got a mouth tastes like a hate crap.

[D]

He burped up tacos.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I was like, bro, it literally smells.

[A]

Like they just cooked them.

[B]

I hate the smell of burps. I apologize.

[A]

It.

[D]

Has anything breaking down?

[A]

It's like fully. Yeah, it's like a fully, fully cooked meal. That's. It doesn't even sound bad.

[B]

I ate like a pint of guac before I did this.

[D]

That stays with you all night long. Yeah, I'll be.

[B]

Yeah, that was bad. I'm sorry.

[A]

We'll say when you start filming. You forget how much of a you are.

[C]

What?

[A]

Dude, I have to wake up early. It's crazy.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Six, 18 for me tomorrow. Early call time.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

I started doing calisthenics and it makes me want to die.

[A]

Cool. Yeah.

[B]

What do you.

[D]

I'm doing like three pull ups at a time. It's so embarrassing.

[C]

No, I mean, pull ups are hard.

[D]

I. For real Mike trains just to make it less embarrassing. I'm up.

[A]

True.

[D]

Just take my tits back out. 10 pull ups in.

[A]

True.

[D]

It is the most embarrassing thing in the world. Just failing doing three pull ups.

[B]

You gotta do it, though.

[A]

At least you can do three. Dude, that's pretty good.

[B]

That's what I was saying.

[A]

Three is like three clusters of three.

[B]

Yeah, three. Over and over again, dude.

[D]

All the real three Every minute for them.

[A]

Yeah. That's awesome. Well, we do think we've done it, dude.

[B]

Thank you all. Yeah.

[C]

Great seeing you.

[A]

And Matt, when you head back down Austin way, I'll be on down the fort with these three fellas. Get spot dog in here. Yeah. You guys are going to get to know each other a little better.

[B]

All true.

[A]

And he is a delight.

[D]

I mean, me and German get along. We golf together.

[A]

We had a good time. I was out with Phil. Yeah, it wasn't a good time.

[C]

Yeah. Until you.

[B]

He got his goad.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

That's like good, clean fun. Did you. Why did you get so upset about that?

[A]

Because I was drunk. Don't like it because I was drunk and I bumped them, too.

[D]

Like mess around the golf course.

[B]

That's right.

[D]

Okay, that makes sense.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Gentlemen, it's a gentleman's game.

[A]

Stanford. I can't. I can't. If people are taking golf seriously, I get very mad.

[C]

Yeah, he's turning into Jackass, bro.

[A]

I was going like, less than. Your car was so slow.

[C]

Playing with your friend. He became friends. No one was home.

[A]

We were having a good time.

[C]

Yeah, you guys were having a good time.

[A]

Yeah. The bumps were not hard. They were light bumps. It was definitely not Jackass.

[D]

Fair enough.

[A]

Admit they were light bumps.

[C]

They were 100 light bumps.

[A]

Did you ever react?

[C]

No.

[D]

He became dominant, Daddy.

[A]

He did dom me.

[B]

Yeah, he did.

[A]

At my own golf out right now.

[C]

Perfectly okay to say, hey, I don't like this.

[A]

Boundaries.

[C]

That's not overreacting. And then, hold on, hold on.

[A]

Because you won't somebody. If somebody bumps somebody's. If somebody bumped my cart and I turned around and said, hey, I don't like that.

[B]

Watch it, buster.

[A]

What do you think's going to happen? You're getting bumped.

[C]

Right. So I'm in checkmate immediately. And so all I'm gonna do is say, you know what? I'm putting my foot down. This is my thing. I said, chris, let me out.

[A]

As soon as he got out of.

[C]

The car, you just started staring at me. And then I said, well, how do you diffuse this? You can't.

[B]

No.

[C]

So I just sort of laid there and took it. It was one second.

[A]

As soon as I saw you were like, actually sad I left you alone.

[C]

I don't think that there was time dilation going on there.

[D]

Sure.

[B]

But.

[A]

Well, I was very annoyed. Yeah.

[C]

You got mad.

[A]

I got mad at the whole. I don't tolerate that.

[C]

I didn't say tolerate. I don't know what I said. I said, hey, don't bump me.

[D]

I'm not on your level. Is the exact.

[A]

That was what he did. So I'm not on your level right now. I don't feel like dealing with this. I'm not dealing with this. I'm not on your level right now.

[C]

Oh, that's a great thing to say.

[D]

Clear boundaries set.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Why'd you take it so bad?

[D]

Gerber was unreal.

[B]

It's so bad.

[A]

You got the car and went home. My mom was like, come say hi to people. And you're like, absolutely not.

[B]

How.

[C]

How many people am I saying hi to? We said a lot of people.

[A]

You got to say hi to a lot of people. It's a Down syndrome charity. It's a charity event for down syndrome.

[C]

I thought that the. I thought we were done with the obligation of doing the charity. All right, next time.

[A]

No, you're fine.

[C]

No, no, I feel bad.

[A]

You shouldn't feel bad. You did exactly what you. You would do. No one was like, what the.

[B]

I'll go back.

[A]

Phil was like. Phil was like, where the is Gervin? I was like, he went home, and that was it.

[C]

We went, oh, he's tired. He got bumped.

[A]

He got blocked twice.

[C]

He got all up at his grill.

[A]

And he got bumped twice.

[C]

The 18th, 17th, 17th, all the way down 17, turn around 18. All the way up to 18.

[A]

Admit it was funny. Slow rounds admitted it was funny when.

[C]

I was like, corporate outings. Good.

[A]

Then it was the one of when I was playing Flight of the Valkyries on the Bluetooth while chasing.

[D]

That is jackass.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

You got it. You got a mad dog him and bump him back as hard as, like, go crazy.

[A]

He was. He was the vc. I was in a helicopter playing Fortunate songs. He hit the deck. Dude, I hated it.

[C]

But your dad was a blast.

[A]

Yeah, he's awesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's a man.

[C]

Chris was reminded us of one of his lines because Billy's backswing was really quick. And Billy was just, like, joking with him, like, yeah, I missed that because you were talking to my backswing. And your dad's like, I had to be an auctioneer talking to your backswing.

[A]

I heard you were out in front of the whole group. You didn't want to play basketball.

[C]

No, I didn't even know what we were doing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

And then I figured it out.

[D]

First he was just going his own way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And it was following me. They're like, don't do that. I said, why? Just. And I didn't understand the rules. Yeah. But we got it. There you go. There's another event your sister's got coming up.

[A]

I don't even know. Okay, we'll do one.

[C]

Yeah, we're doing.

[A]

We'll get you out there. I'm gonna be there if you get bumped.

[C]

You know what the problem is? I can't go to war with you.

[A]

Yeah, you can.

[C]

No, I can't.

[A]

You have. You have the ultimate weapon, which is you can make me feel very bad.

[C]

No, I can't.

[D]

Yeah, you can.

[A]

You make me feel sad.

[C]

Not in the moment when you get hurt.

[A]

I feel sad.

[C]

So I had to get physically hurt.

[A]

No, not physically, but just emotionally. You've never been physically hurt, but why? Always very gentle with your penis.

[C]

You were. I said that's. I completely agree.

[A]

Never ball tap you.

[C]

We've always said that Nobody is better at.

[A]

Nobody's better at handling a dick and nuts. I got a whole book on it. I got a book on it.

[B]

He comes first.

[C]

So that is his follow up. He comes next.

[B]

He comes next.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's a real follow up.

[C]

It's a real follow up. Is not worth the.

[A]

I'm gonna take a look at this author.

[C]

No, because that's all about, like, how to please guys.

[A]

Oh, really?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

[B]

I'm gonna write he comes fast.

[D]

Co author or.

[A]

No, you.

[D]

He wrote the book by himself?

[C]

Apparently.

[B]

I mean, easy. That'd be such an easy book to write. I could write a fucking tome.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

On what I.

[A]

That checks out.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Makes a lot of sense.

[B]

What's the COVID art?

[D]

I'm not gonna name the author.

[A]

It was a Jewish author.

[B]

You guys hate Jewish sex, dude. It's crazy.

[D]

Stay out of the Jewish bedroom.

[A]

Jewish bedroom is intense, dude.

[D]

That's what the butt plug rabbi says. Stay out of the Jewish bedroom. Pierce, you're obsessed with the Jewish bedroom.

[B]

Click.

[A]

The old early life on the Wikipedia.

[D]

Where is he from?

[B]

Brooklyn.

[D]

He is also Jewish. Thank you.

[A]

They don't do that to any other religion. They rarely do that to any religion in the early life. On any, like, famous person, if you click it, if they're Jewish, it's immediate. Like.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Almost like his grandparents were one quarter Jew. Yeah, it's the fucking Gestapo on that thing. It's really crazy.

[D]

The ADL fucking. I think they do shit on Wikipedia. Like, they scour that shit and they're adding. Yes, they're getting numbers. I mean, anyone who rules, like, he was Jewish.

[B]

Hey, Claiming dogs.

[A]

Hold on. Do you have a Wikipedia?

[C]

No.

[D]

Yes. You do you have to have a wiki? Oh, yeah.

[B]

You don't even know. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I mean, you don't put your own Wikipedia up.

[A]

You should. Yeah, you should.

[B]

Really.

[D]

I don't know if you can edit them anymore, though.

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

You don't.

[A]

Oh, whatever this fucking thing is.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

Personal life. The condition was aggravated by.

[C]

I don't want to be here if we're Googling me.

[A]

What the fuck is Wiki Tia?

[D]

No clue. I mean, it's probably something to steal your data.

[A]

Got me. No, you don't have a Wikipedia.

[D]

Damn. Yeah, get one. German, early life.

[A]

You're gonna get one after this.

[C]

Half.

[D]

Jewish.

[A]

Early life, nothing else. Early life, Jewish.

[B]

So true though. Everything.

[A]

I've never seen it.

[C]

Funny.

[A]

It's rare.

[D]

You just start editing them in their early life. Just put yes.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Turns out yes. Changed his name when he was 15.

[A]

GB's. You're wild, man. You get to see him tomorrow.

[B]

I can't wait.

[A]

It's.

[B]

He's.

[A]

He's balling out this season.

[B]

I can't wait.

[C]

It's so much fun.

[A]

It is fun. I kind of sucked. I kind of sucked.

[C]

I did not suck.

[A]

Second half. I saw.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

We get a lot of. A lot of scenes after lunch, dude. And it's just.

[B]

That's tough.

[A]

What you eat for lunch? Cobb salad.

[C]

Yeah, he's had salads.

[B]

Light.

[D]

Yeah, something like.

[C]

It's just.

[B]

We're getting.

[A]

You get tired. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's tired. Second half.

[B]

No, it's exhausting.

[A]

Then we have catering ladies bring around. It's insane, dude. They bring a tray of Wendy's burgers yesterday, just like an hour after lunch. Just like, we got cheeseburgers.

[B]

Remember last time they brought a giant thing of soup and just gave everyone like a thick cream.

[A]

Delicious.

[B]

Yeah, it's not nuts.

[D]

You should let me get it. Doge that. Cut all that out. Save as much money as possible.

[A]

True.

[B]

Get people hungry.

[D]

Taquitos from 711 15. If you want them, take them. They're so good, bro.

[A]

Yeah, they are. I haven't. I haven't gotten them in a long time. 15 years. But every single time I'm at the register about the. Buy some zins, I go, you and me used to have something. There she is.

[B]

That was. That was always blackout clues.

[A]

I'd wake up and go, every single time. This 7:11 in Westchester, I'll go in there. I'll get like a dozen 711 wings. Threw up every single time. All right, well, that's a good one.

[B]

We got an hour and a half the cam state.

[A]

Yeah. Hopefully that works. Sorry, Bill. Thank you very much.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Nothing to be sorry. But see, this is their defense against me. For real. You heard my feelings.

[D]

You can't hurt.

[A]

And then I genuinely feel bad.

[D]

You feel bad?

[A]

Yeah, I feel bad for you, dude. I didn't mean to make fun of you like that.

[B]

Liver King story's already good. It's already gotta watch.

[A]

Liver King went to Whataburger with his family. He's got a crazy meal.

[D]

Look it up. I've got Liver King.

[A]

And we'll touch my phone.

[D]

Look up Liver King, water, bread. It's amazing.

[A]

I will. He teaches his kid how to go. I didn't see it. You should go on Rogan, dude. Yeah, I should tell right away. Dude, did you see Lyric King went to Whataburger with his family and got a crazy meal.

[D]

I was just trying to get things going. You're talking about Spot. He was talking about Spot the whole time.

[B]

That was fun. If.

[C]

If the Liver King comes after you and I'm around.

[A]

Oh yeah, dude. I'll do the thing out of him. Why are you talking like this, dude? Living tighter than a crab's ass.

[B]

You see him running around?

[D]

He's got no movement, bro.

[B]

He's.

[C]

That's what I was saying. I'll get all. All fours behind him and then. Yeah, push and then jump on top. Do your thing.

[A]

You think you're going to sneak up on the King, dude? You bet not. Missed.

[C]

Yeah, that would be the problem.

[A]

He's missing. You think you're going to yank on the. Pull his beard? You don't tug on Superman's cape. You don't pull on Larry King's beard, dude. I can tell you that.

[B]

Yeah, that be easy.

[A]

You think you're going to hit him with like three Stooges dogs. He kicks his out of his dog.

[D]

Everybody got pissed at him. But he went to Caravan to Austin. They got arrested.

[A]

I'll call cops.

[D]

All Liver King. That's how you deal with his ass?

[A]

Crawling in the hallways at the Four Seasons?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Can you imagine if you open your door, I was like, oh, man. I have. I want nothing but peace with the Liver King.

[B]

For real. We gotta unite the King.

[A]

I'm. Just for the record, dude, warm up versus Liver King's nice. Blood's not gonna agree with you.

[D]

What?

[A]

Spud's not gonna be happy you signed him up for this. He's got family, dude.

[D]

3.0.

[A]

Good and true.

[D]

He's Hitting that. He's still lying.

[A]

This is 100 gonna get to him.

[D]

I don't care.

[A]

Dude, if I were you, I'd be so nervous.

[D]

I'm not nervous. I pray for him.

[A]

True.

[D]

He's going through it. He's going through a tough time.

[A]

True.

[B]

Scared.

[A]

Go to church. I'm genuinely scared. Yes.

[D]

Brian Johnson wants to do that. Not the live forever Brian Johnson. The other Brian Johnson. That's the guy. The guy to be afraid of is the Brian Johnson who lives forever. Guy's trying to be like 250.

[A]

Oh, that guy.

[D]

Translucent.

[A]

True. That guy is scared. He's just transiting into Gervin. There's a guy out there that wants. He's 60. He's transiting into you. He's becoming a Jewish man.

[C]

Is that right?

[D]

Did he see the 23 of me or is that fake?

[C]

No.

[A]

What?

[D]

Someone swabbed their bearded dragon. 23 of me. Nozzy Jew.

[C]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Dude, that's not true. Look it up. The bearded dragon's early life. Wikipedia.

[D]

Jewish Brian Johnson is just trying to become a reptile.

[A]

Where'd you see that?

[D]

Look it up. I don't know. Nothing matters any 23 of me after Liver King meal.

[B]

If that's.

[D]

I just looked at it. I was like, God, that'd be funny.

[A]

As if.

[B]

We got to fact check that.

[D]

That the fact check me.

[C]

I don't care.

[B]

I mean, it's funny.

[D]

Is it true?

[A]

It's just exposing total fraud, dude. It has nothing to do with the actual result.

[D]

But the actual result was Ashkazi.

[A]

J 51% Ashkazi.

[C]

Jesus.

[A]

So it's bat lizard is 48% West Asian and 51% Ashkenazi Jew. Dude.

[D]

Could have been any ethnicity. It came back that even if it's fraud, that's still funny.

[A]

It's funny as hell.

[D]

Obviously.

[A]

It's hilarious.

[B]

It's so funny.

[D]

Brian Johnson is just gonna eventually start eating bugs and sitting under a lamp. Try to over topple regimes.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey, hey. That's all we got.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

Like a bus driver. It's a dickhead, kid.

[D]

Get off.

[B]

Hey, you gotta sit up front now.

[D]

I just sit up front for half a year.

[A]

I believe it.

[D]

Dude, I was crawling under the seats in the bus. I believe getting dirty as first thing in the morning. You ever do that?

[A]

Yeah, I crawled under. There it is nice. I didn't mind it.

[D]

You get to the wheel well and.

[B]

Then you go, oh. Yep, I clocked a full year in front of the bus. Soon as I walked on, bus driver looked at me, and my cousin was like, up here. Matt and Pat, get to the front.

[C]

You're the vibe.

[B]

We had the vibe.

[A]

We used to sit, hide behind the seat.

[B]

As soon as she looked up in the mirror, we were down. And she was like, enough. Just.

[D]

You're up here.

[B]

The whole, I don't know what you're doing.

[A]

How about under the bleachers at a high school game? You ever get under there?

[D]

No.

[A]

It's good stuff down there.

[B]

Yeah, I think I shipped Tennessee under there one time. It was tight.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

That's pretty sick.

[A]

Yeah, that was good. I'll go to my sister's basketball games that run under there. Oh, that's fun stuff.

[B]

That is fun.

[A]

Reach up, grab someone's ankles. That's good stuff. All right, we've done enough.

[B]

We did, we did, we did.

[A]

Thank you, guys.

[B]

You guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I love you. Thank you. I love you.

[B]

Nothing but love. Miss you, too.

[A]

Goodbye, everybody.

[B]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret podcast on Spotify.

[D]

Do it.