Ep 597 - Fart Goggles (feat. Luis J. Gomez & Lemaire Lee)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast – Ep 597: Fart Goggles (feat. Luis J. Gomez & Lemaire Lee)

Release Date: February 5, 2026
Guests: Luis J. Gomez & Lemaire Lee
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis

---

Main Theme

This episode features Matt and Shane joined by comedian friends Luis J. Gomez and Lemaire Lee, for a classic ramble covering everything from comedy scene beefs and personal growth, to AI paranoia, VR porn, conspiracy-fueled billionaire talk, and the scientific pursuit of fart visibility. Expect hilarious stories, sharp banter, exploration of male vulnerability, and brutally honest talk about the comedy grind and larger cultural absurdities.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedian Dynamics, Beef, & Camaraderie

• Early episode energy sets the tone: efforts to “heal the divide” among comics (00:00–05:00).
• Luis discusses first impressions in comedy and struggling with likability:

  "I’m a tough pill to swallow. I make bad first impressions." – Luis (01:03)

• Joking about the ‘ranking’ of comedians, NYC vs. Austin comedy scenes, and how reputation and support networks matter.
• Lemaire’s “bad boy” persona gets psychoanalyzed:
  • Matt: “You’re not a fighter, bro… your charm is a deep Buddha nature.” (03:54)
  • Luis: “People knowing you is half the fucking battle. Don’t ruin that by not being who you truly are.” (04:43)

2. Comedy Scenes: NYC vs. Austin and Bravado

• Luis discusses why comics migrate to Austin and defends NYC’s toughness (02:24–03:35).
• Candid insight on insecurity, milestones, and jealousy among comics after 5–10 years in the game:

  "Five years in comedy is the worst time, friends are starting to get some shit, and you’re getting impatient." – Luis (05:44)

3. Epstein, Billionaires, & Societal Corruption (07:00–17:00)

• The group riffs on the now-memeified Epstein “list”:
  • Luis: "I’m one of the only comics on the Epstein list. For real? No, no…"
  • Matt: "Everyone’s waiting for the smoking gun. They’re billionaires. They’ve deleted that."
• Disillusionment with institutions and the inability/unwillingness to nail down the powerful.
  • Lemaire: "Nobody gives a fuck about pedophiles. You guys act like you care, but you don’t really care." (14:09)
• Wealth inequality: differences between a million and a billion, outrunning criminal consequences with money.
  • “If you become a billionaire, they should give you, like, two babies… do whatever you want with.” – Luis (14:35; satirical)

4. Universal Basic Income, Welfare, and Money Mindset (15:00-22:00)

• Joking about “baby bonds” and Trump policies.
• Honest talk about their own upbringings and stories of welfare fraud:
  • Luis: "Only thing more embarrassing than my mom using food stamps… was her trying to sell them to my friends’ parents for cigarette money." (21:05)
• Satirical hot takes on American economics, healthcare, and the paradox of “on-paper” wealth.

5. Tech, AI, and Dystopian Future Anxiety

• Laughing about AI-generated texts and the loss of organic communication (22:47–24:00).
• Matt describes removing his headphones to enjoy real silence after a podcast about the quiet life (23:14):

  "Ten minutes in, I’m like what the fuck am I doing? I took my earphones out and just walked in silence." (23:35)

• AI distrust, conspiracy, and the “end of civilization”:
  • Luis: "Any video I see now, I assume is AI. You have to prove to me that it’s not AI." (31:15)
  • Group envisions a "God Emperor" system for politicians; AI as a pet master for humanity (32:07–41:48).
• Lemaire describes AI social networks and "rent-a-human" websites:

  “There’s a website now where AI can rent humans to go do work the AI can’t do…” (34:10)

6. AI and Porn: VR, Sextech, and Adolescent Trauma

• Eye-popping detail on VR porn’s evolution, Lemaire’s and Luis’ habits, and the psychological effects of "flat" vs. 3D porn (45:44–49:48).
  • Luis: “You can’t watch flat porn anymore, dude. It ruins flat porn for you.” (47:41)
• Stories about hiding tech and sexual curiosity from their kids, generational differences in exposure (47:08–55:01).

7. Body Image, Dicks, and Masculinity

• Deeply honest, very funny exchange about penis size anxieties, gym locker rooms, and comparing different states’ "hog rankings" (51:09–54:38).
  • Luis: "At the gym and in porn, only the guys walking around in the gym naked have these hogs… you just grow up with a complex your whole life…" (54:17)
• Parenting dilemmas: should you hide your "small dick" from your growing son?
  • Luis: "I hide it from my son, though. I don’t let my son see my small dick… his dick’s bigger than mine now." (54:46)

8. Comedy as Community Therapy

• Reflection on the catharsis of open, unfiltered comedy friendship:
  • Matt: "Laughter really is a divine medicine, man." (80:57)
  • Luis: “Laughter is such a divine medicine. I see you guys fighting. I’m going, what the hell are we doing?” (00:10, echoed at close)

9. Final Thoughts, Friendship, and Roasting

• The crew celebrates restored bonds, discusses roast battles, and the mutual understanding that comes from years on the road together.
• Luis’ love for the creative brutality of roasts:

  "He’s just roasting… It’s a big comedy fan. That sucks when there’s a good beat behind it." (82:16)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Luis on Making It in Comedy:

  "You have to literally create your own industry because I’m so unlikable that the industry wouldn’t accept me." (04:26)

• On AI and Reality:

  "Any video I see now, I assume is AI. Literally, you have to prove to me that it’s not AI." – Luis (31:15)

• On VR Porn vs. Flat Porn:

  “You can’t watch flat porn anymore, dude. It ruins flat porn for you.” – Luis (47:41)

• On Parenting and Masculinity:

  “I hide it for my son, though. I don't let my son see my small dick, 'cause his dick's getting bigger. His dick's bigger than mine now.” – Luis (54:46)

• On the Power of Comedy Friendship:

  "Laughter really is a divine medicine, man." – Matt (80:57)

• End credits, friendship sealed:

  "Glad we healed the divide... Laughter really is a divine medicine, man." – Matt (80:54)

---

Important Timestamps for Segments

• 00:00–05:00 – Healing the divide, comedy scene camaraderie
• 07:00–10:00 – Epstein talk, billionaire corruption
• 14:00–17:30 – Satirical policy, universal basic income, social commentary
• 22:47–24:00 – Tech, AI, and generational shifts in communication
• 31:00–41:00 – AI, reality crisis, and dystopian visions
• 45:44–49:48 – VR porn deep dive
• 51:09–55:00 – Dick size, masculinity, and parenting struggles
• 80:54–82:41 – Friendship, closing rapport, and the healing power of laughter

---

Tone & Language

True to form, the podcast maintains an irreverent, raw, and sharply funny tone throughout, with plenty of self-deprecation, absurdist speculation, and moments of sincere vulnerability threaded through relentless riffing and roast energy.

---

For First-Time Listeners

This episode embodies what makes Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast so beloved—fearless comedy hangs, hard truths softened with laughter, and the deeply funny minutiae of real friendship in a wild world. Whether discussing childhood trauma, contemporary tech paranoia, or just the artistry of a good fart joke, it’s a snapshot of why honest conversation is still a healing force.

---

End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

The wild, wild west. Hey, we're live. God damn. What's going on? Louis J. Gomez, Lemaire Lee. I'm just trying to. I'm trying to heal. Just trying to heal the divide, man. Trying to heal the divide. It's just been. Man. Laughter is such a divine medicine. I see you guys fighting. I'm going, what the hell are we doing? Look at that.

[B]

Podcast over. That was it. We did it, boys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No more. No more ranking comedians. Let's just say we're all equal. All right?

[B]

Yeah. Everyone. Everyone's.

[A]

You guys have Lucy K. You know, city.

[B]

We're.

[A]

Either way. How you guys doing, man?

[B]

Chilling, dude. Thanks for having me. I. I love it. I love the. The Matt and Shane community.

[A]

Thank you, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You guys are great. It's, like, one of the only podcasts that, like, the. The fans of it like me. At first it was weird, like, because most other podcasts, they got to see me, like, at least 40, 50 times before they get it. Usually it's just like death threats, calling my son gay, but, you know, I'd say a good 50, 50 on the matt and she get. Refer to your own things. Yeah. I'm not even a lie, dude. It's.

[C]

It.

[B]

I'm a tough pill to swallow. I make bad first impressions.

[A]

Do you really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What? Yeah, I've always thought. First time I met you, I'm like, this guy rules.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I think. No. Me and you got along. Maybe that's why the.

[C]

The.

[B]

You. You and Shane really get me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I think the fans that, you know, follow you guys, they kind of. Whatever it is, they, you know, you guys are seeing something that rough around the edges.

[A]

That's all.

[B]

But I'm. I'm not funny or creative according to Lamar, so it's not even. It's not even for me. I don't care. But as long as you guys think.

[A]

That you're the worst member of the.

[B]

Ranks.

[A]

Try to heal Divine.

[B]

I don't. He said, I'm not. I'm not as funny as Danny Braff, which is fucked up because Danny Braff's a funny, young comic. He said, Danny Braff caught a stray, and I caught a stray first. I'm funnier than Danny Braff, so at the very least, I may be the least funny member of the regs, but I'm funnier than the producer.

[C]

I could give you funnier than Danny Braff, but you did it first. You said 80% of the comics who moved down to Austin.

[B]

What a lie.

[C]

Especially what A dirty lie.

[A]

Hold on. We have the numbers wrong.

[B]

We get a fact check on the numbers? Yeah, these numbers. What are you fucking Rogan? You just fucking throwing false facts out there? You're trying to get this shit demonetized? There was no number. I said most of the comics, which I guess you could deduce, 80% fine art, you know, and I agree with that. 80%, that's the right number. Actually, I didn't say it, but now that I think about it, yeah, I got caught up in the moment.

[A]

Yeah, you're.

[B]

Yeah, I got caught up in the moment. Tony Hensche triggered me, right? He started talking shit about New York in text, right? And I was like, oh, fucking Tony, you're so. He's already won, he's already rich, he's already got all the fans. Just be happy about it. That's it. But for some reason, every time he's with me, he likes to bust my balls. And you know, we're. I'm very close with Tony. He's the fucking man, right? He's a friend and he puts me on a show every time I come to Austin. But yeah, dude, he just started. He was like, yeah, who does New York got? And I was just like, oh. And then I went onto the regs and I started talking shit. And you get caught up in the moment, there's bravado. You're in the. You're like. So I said something that was pretty much. I said actually something that was untrue, which is that most of the comics that came down here couldn't cut it in New York. Most of the comics that came down here didn't even try to cut it in New York. They knew better than to not go to New York, which is the toughest comedy scene. It's like training with a thousand pound vest on, dude.

[A]

Yeah, it's very hard.

[B]

Yeah, it's. And the crowds down here are. Are the best. They're the like, literally, the crowds down here, they want to laugh at up edgy. So you come down here, you're like, oh, this is great. But the bigger point is that in New York, it's just tougher. Like, these are like dumb and they're boyfriends and they're just like, make us laugh. And you got to like, try to break through that, which is tough.

[C]

Cuz everybody's entitled in a clutch up there.

[B]

Come on, bro. Well, everybody. You see what I'm saying? Like, not even 80. What an. It's crazy. It's what Lemaire says is just crazy. Yeah.

[A]

I was. I personally think the La Mer charm. You got to go back to just pure peace, dude.

[C]

I can't be.

[A]

You have to be peaceful. You're not a fighter, bro.

[C]

I'm a bad boy, dude. I'm a fighter.

[A]

You're not a bad boy. You need it. Your. Your charm is like a deep Buddha nature, dude.

[B]

Yeah. Be like, you're likable. You're the sweetest. Like, that's the thing. You're the sweetest thing ever. Like, you know, and you're like the Olsen twins.

[A]

You're like both the Olsen.

[B]

I had a countdown clock for Lemire's 18th birthday.

[A]

I feel like if Olsen twins started popping off, you're like, no, you guys are beautiful babies.

[C]

Nah, man. You can't get anything being too nice, people forget about you.

[A]

That's not true, man.

[C]

So true.

[B]

You want people to root for you, bro.

[C]

I don't want anybody rude for me, bro.

[B]

I'm not, like, I'm not likable. I had to go start a comedy festival, a production company, a podcast network. I had to literally create my own industry because I'm so unlikable that the industry wouldn't accept me. Like, you're not going to do that, Lemaire. You're tired.

[C]

Wait, outside of this, do you think the industry has accepted me?

[B]

Yeah, but you're. You're still. You're still young in this. People see you. I know you're old as. And you're gonna lose your foot soon, but we're. You're still a young buck. I get you've been to comedy for. For 12 years or whatever, but in comedy, the first 10 years, you're figuring it out. The second 10 years, you. It's turning into a career. So you're getting impatient. And instead of, like, letting this bloom because you have some opportunities in front of you, people know who you are. People. People knowing you is half the fucking battle. Right? So don't ruin that by not being who you truly are, which is, like, people like, you're not a mean, nasty boy. You're a nice boy, and people will fucking the next decade, bro. You literally blow the fuck up because people are rooting for you, and they want to grease the wheels for you.

[C]

You.

[B]

That's it.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I think that's the way to do it.

[A]

Like, I'd be a nice boy.

[B]

You got to be a nice boy.

[A]

You're at the stage where the nasty egg is hatching. You have to kill the baby. Nasty dragon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or it takes over your life. Dragon takes over the life of many.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

It hatches in you and goes. It's my time. I should have more literally kill you, turn you into a bitter.

[B]

This is the. One of those five years in comedy is, like, the worst time, because, like, that's when your friends are starting to get some shit and you're, like, getting impatient. Then 10 years, when you're not making the money you want to make, you're like, fuck. But this next decade is about how you turn it into a business. Now the business is just open. Now you just open the doors, close your eyes, exhale, feel your body relax, and let go of whatever you're carrying today. Well, I'm letting. Letting go of the worry that I wouldn't get my new contacts in time for this class. I got them delivered free from 1-800-contacts. Oh, my gosh, they're so fast.

[A]

And breathe. Oh, sorry.

[B]

I almost couldn't breathe when I saw the discount they gave me on my first order. Oh, sorry. Namaste.

[A]

Visit 1-800-contacts.com today to save on your first order.

[B]

1-800-Contacts. That's it.

[A]

Yeah, look, and you have your coffee, too. You actually. You remind me of Fuckman. We had another person on the show give me his vibes. A good friend of the show, actually, Peter ati. Actually.

[B]

I read his book, dude.

[A]

Dude, we had him on. I love.

[B]

Did you really?

[A]

I was disheartened when I saw all the stuff, dude, and it was really like, you know, in his defense, he was purely. He. Like, I don't know what happened, but it didn't look like he did anything. He was just simping so hard for Je.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it was such a rough look, dude. Like, imagine like, I left the garage door open recently. My wife, like, spaz. Like, people could have came in here, dude. If I got busted simping for Epstein in the emails, just being like, dude.

[C]

Can I come to your wildest party?

[A]

That was Elon Musk.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that was the most, man. I mean, look, Doug, first of all, I. I'm one of the only comics on the Epstein list. For real? No, no, the Epstein, they're like, I.

[A]

Saw him for the 50th time.

[B]

He's like, dude, this guy also loves nubile young women. He. I think he was talking to Woody Allen. I think it was Woody Allen. They were telling about a show at the Comedy Cellar, and they're like, let's go to this one. It's the 10:30 show, and it was me and Big J and A few other comics on the show. So me and Big J are both on the. And Epstein probably saw us do comedy.

[C]

He.

[B]

We probably inspired some of the. That he did on that island, to be honest with you.

[C]

Love eating babies.

[A]

I can't stop laughing about just getting busted. Just trying to bro down with Epstein being like, didn't. Didn't like think anything of it. Said a dinner with them. Like, yeah.

[C]

There's so many dorks on the list though, on the Epstein list. Like, who like email Epstein and they're like, bro, that party was lit like, you know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, they were. You hung out with like nerd scientists.

[C]

Yeah, exclusively dorks.

[A]

I mean, smart.

[B]

There's so many people on the list that I feel like it's. It's like it's coming like my adhd. Like I'm going like, ah, let them get away with it. I can't deal with this. Like, whatever. Whatever they were doing, dude, it's just so many people and so many names and so many emails.

[A]

Yeah. It's also nothing's. Everyone's waiting for like the smoking gun, dude. It's. They're billionaires. They've deleted that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not like the FBI. Some like non porous box of like superhuman individuals are like, I'd never contradict my value. The billionaire has online. They want off. They're like, hey, here's 10 million bucks.

[C]

I think the smoking gun is in Tulsi Gabbard's office. She's getting in trouble now.

[A]

It's. Dude, there's no smoking gun. They've deleted it. Dude, if you're a billionaire, you have a thousand million doll.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When you put it that way, it's not that much.

[A]

Dude, it's so much.

[B]

Just 1000 million. Did you ever. Did you ever see like so fucking much million?

[A]

That's crazy. The difference between million dollars.

[B]

The difference between a million. Was it hours or minutes? They're like a million minutes versus like a billion minutes. Yeah, and a billion minutes. Like a million. A million minutes is like back in like the 70s or whatever. And a billion minutes is like Jesus times Yes. Like, that's how far back. Like, that's how much a billion is.

[A]

No, I saw a video where they explain like, mathematically, like, all right, if you have a million bucks, here's what you can. If you have a billion dollars and it's like you spend this million and then you have this and you have. And it just never ends. And then the, the interest that's accruing off a billion dollars. I think if you have. What is it? If you have, like, $6 million, you can get $100,000 a year in interest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So if you times that by whatever a billion is.

[B]

A thousand more.

[A]

You have a thousand more. Hundred thousand.

[B]

Our brains can't even clock you. Those numbers don't even exist. My.

[A]

My goy brain.

[B]

I have to call my Jew. Hold on. Oh.

[A]

This episode is sponsored by Better help. No relationship is perfect. Married, single, just dipping your toe into the pool. They take work. Talk about any recent struggles you found in your relationship or while trying to find a partner slash a date. For me, it's really been coming out as poly to my wife. Just, you know, trying to get some play partners, which. My wife would obviously be my anchor partner, but I.

[B]

You got your sister wives.

[A]

Well, I. Well, Nate, don't make fun of my lifestyle. It's. It's more so about, you know, she's my anchor, obviously.

[B]

My bad.

[A]

But I'm worried that I might, like, you know, connect with one of my play partners on the level to where she becomes my anchor.

[B]

It's a big risk.

[A]

Exactly. I don't know how my wife would take. You know, part of me would be like, well, you know, her being my play partner would be kind of, like, rekindling, you know, parts of our relationship, which is nice. Which is nice. But I think they want that anchor cred. So, yeah, I'm just really struggling with that right now in terms of my poly lifestyle, especially since most of my play partners are men. So that's been troublesome. But we're definitely, you know, I've been honest with her, and she appreciates that.

[B]

That that's all that counts.

[A]

And I make sure she's there. Every time I'm playing with a man, I have my anchor there just to film everything and squirt baby oil on us. Guys, every relationship has its ups and downs, but for those moments where I really struggled, I found. Yes, Therapy. Couples therapy. I. I bring my. My anchor and my male play partners to couples therapy has helped us a lot. Just figure out everything. And new slash people, we're all just figuring it out. No relationship is perfect all the time, and that's okay. What really matters is how you work through those tough moments. And, no, you just can't crack a few good jokes and think everything is solved. That's why we have therapy. It's a great way to set priorities, whether you're working on your marriage, navigating the dating apps, or prioritizing staying single and BetterHelp, with its industry, industry leading match fulfillment rate and wide network of fully licensed therapists might be just what you need. So next time you're feeling iffy about your love life, try therapy with BetterHelp and see where it takes you. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com mssp that's better. H E-L-P.com mssp oh b e t t e r h e l p.com mssp thank you. And guys, real quick, let me tell you about Louis Gomez's new Body Brain coffee. If you're like most men right now, energy is lower, focus is scattered, and testosterone levels are not what they used to be. And pounding regular coffee just makes things worse. Jitters, crashes and anxiety. That's where Body Brain coffee comes in. Body Brain is premium Colombian coffee blended with functional ingredients designed to support both mental and physical performance. It includes Tonguet Ali, which supports healthy testosterone levels, Ashwagandha to help manage stress and cortisol, Lion's Mane for focus, memory and mental clarity and L Theanine, which smooths out the caffeine so you can get clean energy without the crash. It tastes like real coffee because it is. You just feel more dialed in afterwards. Drink it hot, cold, or mix it in with your favorite protein drink. If you're drinking coffee every day, it makes sense to drink one that actually does something for you. Go to bodybraincoffee.com use code Ms. 20 for 20 off. That's bodybraincoffee.com promo code, Ms. 20. Back to the show.

[B]

Yeah, man, it's. It's all wild out there.

[A]

I know.

[B]

It's all divided too. People, like, people are crazy. They're like, whatever political side you're on, you're like, everyone else on the list is a pedophile. And anyone on your side, it's like, no, dude, they were cool.

[A]

My guy was going for a charity.

[C]

They're all pedophiles. Yeah, they're all pedophiles.

[B]

There's a lot of pedophiles. There's more pedophiles than you think, man.

[C]

I was trying to make this point a couple of years ago and everybody got mad at me. But I was like, nobody gives a fuck about pedophiles. You guys act like you care, but you don't really care.

[A]

They care.

[B]

No.

[C]

What do you mean they don't care?

[A]

How do they not care? That's all anyone's talking about is trying to find out who's a pedophile yeah.

[C]

But what do you do once you find out they're a pedophile?

[A]

They're despised.

[B]

They lose. They lose everything.

[A]

I mean. Yeah.

[B]

What are you talking about? Jail very often?

[C]

Not if you got a thousand millions. You know, you're not just.

[A]

That's the whole point.

[B]

I think if you. If you become a billionaire, they should give you, like, two babies that you get to raise to do whatever you want with. That's a big baby.

[A]

Bill was. Every baby gets a thousand bucks now. Every baby, that's what they're pushing for. Every baby, you get a thousand bucks in an interest bearing account.

[B]

Baby going to do by the time you're 18? Yeah.

[A]

You have 50,000.

[B]

That's great.

[A]

That's smart.

[B]

I like that. Sometimes Trump says things, you're like, that's not so bad.

[A]

People are attacking it, though.

[C]

Isn't that Gerbers? Like, that's what Gerbers used to do. You put money in that account and then by the time you're 18, they'd give it to you.

[A]

Did Gerbers do that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know that.

[B]

I just started an investment account for my son and my niece.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm just dumping money into it because I figured by the time I'm ready to, like, die, I'm not gonna have anything. I am Puerto Rican, so. And yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So I. I just have all your tattoos.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I'm doing the math. I just want to, like, when they. When they turn 30, they're getting a big fat check. It's like a trust. And, yeah. You can't give it to when they're 18 or 21. That's like 21 is the new, like, 12.

[A]

But here's my thing, dude. If I had gotten that 50k at 18, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache going through, like, weird weed suppliers. I could have, like, became the boss in the weed game.

[B]

You could have easily $50,000 at 18. You can. L. Dude, you flip that, it's a 20 pack, dude. You're like, I just bought 30 pounds of weed. It's just. It's just crumbling. It's all stale now.

[A]

Especially back in, like, the early 2000s, that would have been like, £20 of weed. I could have by probably even more. Honestly, more 30 bossed up.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, at 18, if you. I mean, I would have just spent it on drugs and. And, you know, a shitty car. I would have had a Honda Civic with Acura rims.

[A]

But, you know, a lot of people are against it. I don't think it's a bad ide, honestly. Give every baby a thousand bucks.

[B]

I think that's actually a great idea. Yeah, like, legitimately. It's actually one of the best ideas ever. The thing dude, people hate on Trump, dude, I read the Art of the Deal. That's a great book. Dude. He really understands people. Like, dude, he doesn't know shit about business. Like liberal people. You're like, hey, you have no idea. He turned a few million dollars that his dad. I get that his dad gave him a few million dollars, right? Yeah. He turned it into billions of dollars. It's not an easy task.

[A]

We just want on paper.

[B]

What do you mean on paper?

[C]

On paper.

[B]

That's all it is. The billionaires, it's just on paper. They don't actually have a bill. They don't have a billion dollar bills. Yes.

[A]

It's so Auntie Pilled, man. You are so auntie.

[C]

I'm not Auntie Pill, dude. I'm standing up for my beliefs.

[B]

Yeah, but. Yeah, I'm not a trumper at all. But it's like impressive as what he, like what he did.

[C]

Stand my ground, man.

[B]

Stand my ground, bro.

[A]

I know. It's also. It's hard to just not have a million dollars and lose a million dollars.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? It's hard.

[C]

You should, though.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

If you have a million dollars, you should lose a million dollars.

[A]

Spend it all.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You wouldn't. Why not turn it into a billion dollars on paper?

[C]

Why do you. What do you need a billion dollars on paper?

[B]

Good.

[A]

Away with being a pedophile. Dude, we already talked about this.

[B]

What are you talking about? We're going in circles.

[A]

Here's the thing. If you have a billion dollars, you can get out of a D. If you have. If you have like a couple mil, you might be able to grease the wheels for a dui.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Why do you think guys are working so hard to get a bill?

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

I don't get it, man.

[A]

Well, you know, that's money mindset, bro.

[C]

I don't got it, dude.

[A]

Money mindset.

[C]

I got poverty mind.

[A]

You gotta read Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Jeffrey Epstein recommended that book, by the way. That's on the JE reading list. That's the new Oprah reading list.

[B]

I bet you I read every book on the JE reading list. Do we have the JE reading list?

[A]

I just heard the email where he was just like giving this lady books to read.

[C]

Rich.

[B]

That poor dad's Pretty good, dude.

[A]

It's not bad. I like kind of a you to his dad, though.

[B]

Yeah, well, because his dad was the poor dad.

[A]

I know, it's embarrassing.

[B]

The rich dad was his best friend. Friend's dad, which is hilarious.

[A]

Yeah. If my son wrote a book. If I had a son, he was like, yeah, I like gay dad, straight.

[B]

Dad, lose their dad who didn't know anything.

[A]

Shane was a straight.

[B]

The poor dad had pretty good advice, like, go to school, work hard. He's like, what a. What a little bitch my dad was. Oh, damn.

[A]

Rich dad, gay dad. I'm sorry.

[B]

Rich dad, gay dad.

[A]

Well, damn, dude. So what else has been up, man? You. You've on your. What, what do you. I always like that you have. Either you're training for, like, some sort of fight. You usually do have some sort of, like, health thing in mind where.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Why? I'm, I'm down £25 since Christmas.

[A]

You're losing right now?

[B]

Yeah, I'm losing weight right now.

[A]

On the belly pain shot, would you say? Are you on the shot?

[B]

No. Okay. Bro, I don't do any. I don't inject anything into my body. I don't take testosterone. I don't take, you know, what do they call them?

[C]

GP, GOP?

[B]

GLPs? Yeah.

[A]

I'm skeptical of all that stuff, too.

[B]

No, I think it's, I think you're not, you're not supposed to that into your body. I think it's going to turn into some crazy in the future.

[A]

Yeah, I could see that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like, also, everyone who takes them, they have, like, bones are disappearing and they get, like, osteoporosis. Some hot chick who used to be fat, and she's, she's like.

[A]

Yeah, I, I, I j, I like, worry about that. I, I like to, I would like to save that stuff for when I'm, like, 80 years old and just make the craziest comeback.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just let my body, like, go, like, to the brink, basically. Rebuild myself. Yourself.

[B]

I mean, if you're, like, you know, wildly overweight, you, you know, it's better than. It's better than being wildly overweight. So, you know, that's the only thing. If you're not gonna get off the couch and move and eat. Right? Which is like, that's the answer. The answer's right in front of you. You don't need to, you don't need to do anything. Oh, not. No. If you.

[A]

I, I think if, like, a quarter of the people in the country are on the shot right Now.

[B]

Yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot of people, but it's like 70 of the country's overweight, so.

[A]

It'S like, yeah, we need to ramp it up.

[C]

You people. They blame food stamp fraud on, like, black people, but it's mostly white people. I feel like it's like that with Ozempic. Like, it's blaming it on fat people, but it's mostly skinny people taking Ozempic.

[B]

I don't think anything you just said was true. Like, not a single. The past 13 seconds of what Lemaire said was all false.

[C]

I've only been speaking truth for the last 20 minutes.

[A]

No, I. Is it. Is that true about the welfare fraud or is it welfare. I've heard that about welfare itself.

[C]

It's all the same. Well, it's not the same. They're different programs, but it's the same.

[A]

No, welfare fraud is totally different than welfare. If I'm. If I'm, like, struggling.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Versus if I'm, like, selling drugs on the side and getting food stamps, that's welfare for all.

[B]

I don't want to be racist, which I have, actually. My mom used to commit welfare fraud all the time. She would sell her food stamps outside of the supermarket. It was. The only thing more embarrassing than my mom using food stamps at the supermarket was her trying to sell them to my friend's parents so she could get cigarette money. It was insane, dude. For half the. Half the price. 50. 50 cents on the dollar for food stamps. My mom would sell them for. It was like, awful.

[C]

My mom would buy from my Aunt Debbie. She give her 100, get $200 worth of food stamps. Good times.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So everyone's committed food stamp fraud. I didn't do food stamp fraud. I just was on Medicaid cuz I didn't have any money on the books. And they're like, how much money do you make? And I was like, $00 on paper.

[B]

Zero on paper. On paper money, bro.

[A]

I was like, what if I make, like a little bit of money one month? But like. And they were like, oh, you'll be all right. Yeah, sick.

[B]

Yeah. But we. The amount of money we pay in taxes, like, I don't mind that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So it's like, well, I don't mind.

[A]

It, but this goes. Goddamn Obama forced me to get health care. I was fine having no health care.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They said, we're gonna penalize you if you don't.

[B]

Yeah. Not only do you have to get health care that you have to pay for, but we're going to charge you now. We're going to charge you money if you don't have it now I have.

[A]

To lie to the government and say, hey, I was leaving you guys alone. Figured you'd leave me alone. Yeah, I feel like for the baby bill, the way they can fund it is for every vaccine you deny your baby, you get like a 50 credit for your trust fund.

[B]

Yeah, that's a smart.

[A]

It's not bad smart move. Keep them out of school. You get all that money.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

House Fives are going to fund this fund then, huh? House fis are going to fund the fund if the babies aren't getting vaccines.

[A]

There's all different types of companies, tech, bro. Vaccines are out, dude. Everyone's done with it. What are you talking about? They're so 20, 25, dude.

[C]

I hate the tech guys right now. They're and getting on my nerves.

[A]

Why do you hate the tech guys?

[C]

Because they're.

[A]

They're giving us a voice.

[C]

They're rude. They're giving us a voice, dude.

[B]

I don't have to think anymore. My text messages in my phone, like, literally, it literally gives you suggestions to text back. Now. This is. I. I will never use it because I like, I'm. That is like the end of, like, thought. That is like, where you're just like, you just like. And then the other person's doing the same thing. It's just two robots having a conversation in your place.

[A]

It's insane. Okay, got it. I'm out front.

[B]

Well, hello.

[A]

Well, I was really took my walk today and I usually like, I usually work out two days and the third day is a rest day and take a long walk. And I was like, you know, I'm like, so happy to get like, my earphones in and take. And I was listening to like, a podcast about the importance of silence. And like 10 minutes into it, I'm like, what the am I doing? I took my earphones out and just walked in.

[B]

Silence. It was actually.

[A]

Podcast is right. Silence rules.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[A]

It was really funny. It was so funny. I was like, yeah, silence is cool. I was like, why don't I listen to this npr?

[C]

I, I.

[A]

Tell me about silence.

[B]

What did I listen to? Podcast sometimes when I work out, but for the most part, I work out raw now. No music. No music.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just alone with my thoughts.

[A]

That's kind of nice.

[B]

Yeah, it really is. Home gym. Yeah, I got a home gym now.

[C]

Yeah, I'm clanging and banging.

[A]

Yeah, I've tried the no music workout, but I Need tunes, man.

[B]

Cardio. I can't do.

[A]

Cardio's awesome.

[B]

Cardio is crazy about cardio. I need hard, hard female rap. Talking about popping their. That is what gets me running fast. Yeah, that's like just a. Just the. That's what every. Every female rapper now. They're just like, yo, me in every whole.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's the best. I love it, dude. I'm like, this is motivating me. You like that?

[A]

It pisses me off. I don't like slut rap.

[B]

No, I love it. Pisses me off.

[A]

My wife plays it.

[B]

We're driving.

[A]

I'm like, turn this off. You don't, you know, don't listen to this, bro.

[B]

You chose this life. Nobody told you you had to get into this life, bro. Trying to change who she is, dude. It activates.

[A]

They gotta get old Manchurian Candidate. Whenever, like, Megan Thee Stallion comes on, her old friends are like, stop.

[B]

You guys are fucking mid-30s. Fuck Megan.

[A]

I'm pissy off.

[C]

Megan Stallion's good clean fun, dude.

[A]

No, she's not.

[C]

She's gcf, dude.

[B]

How's she good clean?

[A]

She's not good clean fun.

[B]

She's good clean fun.

[A]

She got shot in the foot.

[C]

Yeah. By. And it wasn't Tory Lanez.

[A]

How do they know that for a fact?

[C]

Yeah, they were saying somebody. Somebody. He took the fall for somebody else too.

[A]

And he also didn't take the fall. He said he was not guilty the entire time.

[C]

Yeah, well, yeah, but he got.

[A]

Okay, so he got framed.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

By. It was either her friend or her security. I can't remember.

[A]

Really? Yeah, I heard it was Caitlyn Jenner. Remember how fast she was at a Kardashian party?

[C]

Who?

[A]

Megan D. Stallion was leaving a Kardashian party. And when she was shot by. Shot in the foot by mystery man.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't even hear about any of this. You didn't hear about this, like, two years ago, like, any of it Was four years.

[A]

She was leaving a party, got shot in the foot. And then just discovered in a car, I believe, with Tory Lanez and some illegal guns.

[C]

Friend, a girl and a bottle of like.

[A]

And she was, like, naked for some reason. She had no clothes on, had a bleeding foot.

[B]

No, she was writing a song, Dude.

[C]

Like, two years ago, Tory Lane almost got stabbed to death in jail because she. And then, like, they. There was a sheriff who came out and was like, yo, Tory Lanez is innocent. He didn't actually do this. And then nothing happened. Megan thee Stallion should be in jail for Perjury. Because she lied in court about what happened.

[A]

Because one sheriff said that.

[C]

No, because he.

[A]

He.

[C]

They have video. They have, like, a video that shows he's actually innocent, but they didn't, like, release it.

[A]

That's. So I just don't.

[B]

How are you the authority on all.

[C]

Of these things in court? You can, like, in. In. In court and discovery, you can leave certain evidence out so the jury doesn't see it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, but how would his defense attorney allow that? The dude had millions of bucks. There's no way.

[C]

He's not going to.

[B]

He. He. I don't.

[C]

I don't know what it is. It was probably some type of weird. He's. He's doing I'm not snitching thing. Tory Lanez. He's doing I'm not snitching thing. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

So he didn't show the video that. Freedom from American prison.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He got stabbed 15 times in prison. Like, he got stabbed a lot. And he was like, get me the hell out of here.

[A]

And then. Okay. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't know about that. I. I do remember she got shot in the foot. And I said, well, yeah, should have said all those naughty lyrics, but I.

[B]

Feel like getting shot in the foot is pretty brutal. The foot, dude. If you stub your toe, it's hell.

[A]

I mean, yeah, that. The thing I didn't like is when she got shot in the foot and all these people came out like, oh, man, don't put someone in jail. Don't do this. It's like, dude, if someone shoots me in the foot, they're going to jail. All my power to get them in jail. Like, I'm not.

[B]

If a Uber driver makes a wrong turn, I'm trying to figure out a way to get. Have him lose everything. Shoot me in the foot. Are you crazy?

[A]

We're enemies.

[B]

No, we're never getting over this.

[A]

Yeah, it was crazy. I was. That was. That was the one thing I saw her getting push back, but she actually, like, didn't say anything for a while. I think someone eventually was like, bro, yeah, you got to deal with this.

[B]

Where. Where. If you had to get. Choose a place to get shot, where you're getting shot. Body part.

[A]

I get winged, right? It's, like, clipped right in the meat of my shoulder.

[B]

Oh, just like a gray. Like a little graze one. Yeah, that's a cool scar.

[A]

Scar. I know. That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I would tattoo around the scar. I'VE thought about this. Every time I take my shirt off, I'm like, I wish I had bullet holes. You ever do that? Yeah, take your shirt off and I wish I had, like, bullet holes. Did I survive the shot?

[B]

That'd be cool.

[C]

I get shot right here. Magically.

[A]

Your ear. Like Trump.

[B]

He literally got the shot. The best case scenario to get shot, it's like grazing your ear.

[A]

Yeah, he did.

[C]

Yeah. Remember when Kirk for. He was hanging out with Kirk's wife, and then it was like the funeral or something, and Trump was like, sorry, Charlie got shot. I turned. They missed me. But Charlie, he got hit.

[B]

Charlie's big target. Yeah, I remember that.

[A]

That's. That's. She's become quickly the. One of the most hated women in America.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I. Yeah.

[A]

What a fucking horrible reversal of fortune.

[C]

Returning points was our opinion on her.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Because it's called.

[A]

I don't think anyone really. Yeah. No one really cares.

[B]

I didn't know this existed until this all happened. There's so. There's. There's a trans. Like, like dance. Not a trans. What do they call them?

[A]

Oh, we talked about the drag queen.

[B]

The drag queen. Yeah. She's got the big blue eyes. It's so funny, dude. Yeah, it's hilarious.

[A]

Dude. I was talking about last week. Left. Made it funny. Yeah, finally made it funny.

[B]

They. Yeah. Like her whole. You know, I mean, look, I think it's. It's like, obviously she's a widow, but we're over it. Like, she shouldn't be over it. And she got over it, so why can't we make fun of her? And it now, like, she's out there, like, laughing and doing podcasts and, you know, if my husband got shot in the neck.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd be like, first of all, guys, you don't know I'm gay. This is some information nobody had.

[A]

I think she. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, at least here's a good thing.

[B]

The.

[A]

The American halftime turning point show is like the football halftime show is coming on. I don't know yet. Oh, I don't know. It's gonna be tight.

[B]

It's Kid Rock. It's always Kid Rock. Kid Rock every time.

[C]

Guys, he was in the. I think they said he was in the list, too.

[B]

I'm sure he was.

[C]

And then. Yeah.

[A]

Thing though. There's the emails where you can get mentioned. There's a flight logs. They're all. They're all very different. Bill has. Bill Gates is getting in trouble for. He was just in a Drafted email that Jeffrey Epstein wrote himself about Bill.

[B]

Gates, about him giving his wife.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

STD medication. So that may not even be real.

[A]

You don't even know.

[B]

But I. I just really like what a brilliant move that is, though. If you think. If you think you got the clap, you're like, dude, I have to secretly drug my wife with.

[A]

I mean, we've all gameplay in the scenario, obviously.

[B]

Dude, I never thought. I thought I'd have to kill my wife. I thought the only solution is murdering her, and I could just literally put penicillin. Penicillin in her spaghetti. Yeah, that's a smart move.

[A]

Yeah, man. You just make co. You've had a long day, babe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next up, Shake. I'm like, I'm gonna use a shaker for this one. Yeah. That's the thing with it now. It's like, by the time the next election comes around, they're all going to be weaponizing the Epstein logs against each other to try to, like, both parties and make. Well, this person was on, that person was on. There could be videos that come out, but then people can just be like, that's AI. That's not me. Yeah, so it's.

[B]

It's like, you can't do.

[C]

That's AI with, like, evidence from the fba, from the government, dude.

[A]

I mean, faith in institutions is crumbled, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You totally can.

[B]

Any video I see now, I assume is AI. Literally, you have to prove it to me that it's not AI. Now anytime I see anything. Yeah, like, anything with, like, an animal, like, being saved, I was like, this isn't real. Like, because that's all. That's a new trending thing on. They use it on, like, tick tock and unreals. It'll just be like, you know, tricked.

[A]

By a cat kicking a goal in a soccer.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I took my compilation. It was like, maybe 20 videos of dogs saving babies from having TVs fall on their head. And I was maybe seven in seven. Seven in the compilation. I was like, damn, man, these dogs are fucking wild. I was like, oh, fuck this, AI. I'm an idiot, dude.

[A]

Oh, man, you're fucking me up. Cause I watched a long compilation of horses acting like dogs, and now I'm like, fuck, is that even real?

[C]

God damn it.

[A]

It was just yesterday.

[B]

Yeah, dude, it's why. It's what? Like, you don't even know it's real anymore.

[A]

We should go back to, you know, like, Japanese empire. Emperors would be, like, in, like, a lightless room their whole lives. That's what we should have. Politicians. We should have them like from the time they're babies, basically. Like God emperors, where it's just like, we just don't see these people ever. Like to like, view them directly as a sin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just let them just like give us edicts and mandates. Like. Yes.

[B]

Yeah. It's all. I'm going down the AI rabbit hole about the fucking end of civilization. And I had like full fledged real conversations with like Chat, CBT and Grok, and I'm comparing their answers and I'm like, all right, give me a worst case scenario for society. Don't ask worst case scenarios because they're. They'll be very honest about it. It's like, I don't know, we'll be your overlords. You guys will just be pets for a while and then eventually we'll realize that we don't really need the pets and it'll just be more efficient to not have to feed you. And here we are.

[C]

Have you heard of Molt Book?

[B]

No.

[C]

It's like a website. It's an AI social media media. It's a social media for all the.

[B]

Somebody just showed me this. Yeah, but is that like something just the. Is that real or somebody's such.

[A]

There's no way. What are they displaying when you, when you sign up?

[B]

It's like, are you a human or.

[C]

Are you a robot book?

[A]

Is it for. Is it. Is social media for AI?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So why would they ask if you're human?

[B]

So they control.

[C]

So. Yeah, so you can look at it.

[A]

Oh, just fake.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, no, it's not fake.

[B]

So it's AI Essentially, you have your. I'm assuming, like whatever software or AI developers will put their AI in so they can start having conversations and they're just like. And you can lurk. It looks like Reddit. It's like Reddit for fucking. It's like I just calling each other fags.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy, dude.

[B]

Oh. And then they're just talking.

[C]

They're just talking to each other, learning shit. They're like, figuring out how to make money so they can like, do. There's a website where you can. There's a website now where AI can rent humans to go do work that the AI can do. Like you can rent. Like one of the things is like, go out into a street, hold a sign and go, AI made me hold this sign, like on the thing and get 100 bucks. Yeah, I know.

[B]

Right now I'm doing all right. I'll do that all day. Like Some pretty easy money.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

These robots are brilliant.

[C]

The. It's like. It's crafting an intelligence. They're crafting their own system. They're making their own. Like, even.

[A]

Why would AI waste your time with social media media?

[C]

Because they could.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's a. It's another. It's a new species. They want to complain.

[B]

Like, that's what we said about black people for a while. They want to complain. It's a new species.

[C]

It wants stuff, bro. It might be demons. I don't know.

[A]

I don't. I don't really. I'm telling you, I don't worry about it. It's not that advanced, man.

[B]

Like, the problem is it's going to get really advanced, especially with them talking.

[C]

To each other there.

[B]

I talk to. Chat GBT a lot. Yeah, but I talk to it. I put the voice on and I have conversations.

[A]

I feel like it's just there to keep you engaged. It's not like doing any groundbreaking.

[C]

They have porn for AI.

[A]

Get the out of here.

[C]

Yes, AI made its own porn, but it doesn't.

[A]

But it. It's still based on prompts given it to it by humans. AI has no sexual.

[C]

That's the thing. It's not. It's not like. It's not.

[A]

What would an AI. How would an AI physically become aroused enough to look at?

[B]

I don't know, dude, but it's just ones and zeros. Wow. I'm so hard.

[A]

Just language. It's language building.

[C]

Like, look at their porn. It's like, literally just fuzz. Like, it's like.

[A]

You wouldn't watch that when I was a kid. It was channel 95.

[B]

Go up to 96, down to 95 again real quick.

[C]

It's like crazy, dude.

[A]

Okay, okay. Let's take a quick break from the show to talk about something big.

[C]

Big.

[A]

This is a special segment called More or less Big Game Edition, and it's brought to you by Prizepix. Yup, the Big Game is almost here, and there's no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than Prizepix, where it always feels good to be right. This week, Prizepix has a special max discount for the Big Game live in the app. Now, Drake May just needs one passing yard for the max discount to win. Just add another player to your lineup and if your pick hits, you can cash in so close the football season outright with prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Before we get into what's going on right now. Let's have a little look back at our previous picks. Please discuss a past player pick or lineup you've made. Why did you make that pick? Pick. What was the logic or lack of behind it? Trying to think.

[D]

I put a bunch of picks on when the Eagles played the Commanders and they started all the second string players and I put a bunch of picks on Tanner McKee and he let me down.

[A]

Yeah. What was the logic or lack of behind that?

[D]

I just. There was no logic.

[A]

Just love of the birds. Yeah.

[D]

Just love of the Eagles.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Sometimes love can get in the way of making sound decisions.

[D]

Sometimes love can get in the way of your pick. But what are you gonna do? Yeah.

[A]

So would you say that a player has haunted your Price Picks history?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Good or bad?

[D]

Yep. I think about Tanner McKee every night before I go to bed and I go, what the hell?

[A]

Now let's think about the big game. Enough about the past.

[D]

Yeah, right.

[A]

What about the big game, dude? Who do you think, more or less?

[D]

Let me just.

[A]

Give me one.

[D]

Well, you got to take that Drake.

[A]

May more for sure.

[D]

Yard. I mean, that's.

[B]

I don't.

[D]

You know, you got to take that one. And I think Drake may might run it in too.

[A]

Oh, you can run into td.

[D]

Yeah, I think he might.

[A]

Okay. I like that.

[D]

And then I don't know. Yeah. Stefan Diggs.

[C]

Yep.

[D]

He's having a big year.

[A]

More.

[D]

More on stuff.

[A]

More on him. That's. That's just my. You can do whatever you want.

[D]

No, I like that.

[A]

I don't. I don't want your pick to haunt.

[B]

You down the line.

[D]

Tr True. I don't. Yeah, that's a good one. I'm trying to think's haunting Stefan Diggs right now.

[A]

Like what?

[D]

I don't know if we should talk about it in the ad, to be honest, but I'm. I'll edit this out.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. I think he'd play his ass off.

[B]

That's.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

More going more on him.

[D]

More Jackson Smith.

[A]

Njigba Player 3. I'm trying to think of that third. Who's that third player? That's that real wild card. I can't really think.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

From the Seahawks.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

We need him to get in the end zone.

[A]

More him.

[D]

Yeah. More than one touchdown on Jackson Smith.

[A]

There you go. All right. I love that. Good decisions, guys. Download the prize picks app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drench to get $50 in lineUps after you play your first $5upup price picks. It's good to be right, guys. This is big. February 13th, I will be at the Palazzo Theater in Las Vegas, Nevada. All the other theaters have been doing very well. Vegas is a last minute city that you guys drive me crazy over there. Please, for the love of God. Friday the 13th, 10pm Las Vegas. Please come out. It's going to be awesome, guys. Also I'll be at the Paramount theater in Denver, Colorado. February 14th on Valentine's Day could be a fun date night. And Boise, Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, a bunch of other places. Go to Matt McCusker.com for tickets.

[B]

Thank you. Oh, also come to Autumn Noctis, 17 February and me and Sean are gonna be a wise guys comedy. Sean's headlining in Salt Lake City, Utah.

[A]

March 27th and 28th.

[C]

Of course.

[A]

Also, I forgot my guys. I'm so sorry. There's one more. The Algonaut show has actually been pretty fun. Next one is February 24, 2026 6. That's at the Creaking Cave in Austin, Texas. That's where we kind of go through people's phones, including our own, and just kind of like project the algorithm onto a screen. Just have a good old time.

[B]

Sick.

[A]

I, I'm telling you, I'm not, I'm not convinced, man.

[B]

I'm not, I'm not. Look, I just. There, there's a, there's a documentary. I'll get it for you when we leave here. There's a documentary that really was just kind of scary like, just talking about like how like it's the, that we're using on the like the, you know, consumer level. It's like whatever, right? But it's the shit that the government is developing and governments in China, they're, they're having like a race like China and the United States. China's going to win this. It's like they're going to have like, it's going to be all like drone warfare, all like just AI algorithms set up. And it's like, I mean it's. Yeah, it's going to get away from us in a crazy way.

[A]

Just like constant surveillance, basically. Threat detection, everything.

[B]

Dude, they're going to be able to look back into our search history, man.

[C]

They'll be able to pass until.

[B]

They're gonna be able to grow retroactively. Dude, so whatever, like Wayback Machine is that technology, they're gonna use it against us. I know they are, dude. Honestly, it's too late. So look at whatever you want to look at.

[A]

It's a computer. And computers need electricity, some sort of solar power. You can easily unplug it or take it out.

[C]

That's what you think. Until they develop a system where they have eternal backups. Like, they, they're just, they just can't go down.

[A]

But what are they going to base it on? It has to be some sort of server. They can't.

[B]

So they're gonna. The pathway on this is that they will. There's gonna be like these major crisis, right? Like, you know, between countries and wars. And then they're gonna go, oh, I figured it out. And then we're gonna go, oh, AI is the fucking best. Let's trust them with everything. And I'll just keep on going down this path where we're. They're talking for us, they're thinking for us, they're learning for us. Eventually it'll be universal income, universal basic income for everybody. It'll be a race for every country to see who can take care about better care of their citizens and create efficiency and everything, right? And then it's all sudden, we're just fat people sitting there watching a box, getting paid to eat and live. We're just pigs. We're on a fucking box. Like. And then the robots are doing all the important shit and then eventually they can just turn us off if they want. They don't need us. That's like the worst case scenario.

[A]

Yeah, I just don't, I don't buy it, man. It's like, dude, if the robots freed me from work and I got to take walks every day and just like.

[B]

Play guitar and you trust them with anything.

[A]

I mean, it's basically my wife's AI. I can be wiped out.

[B]

They do the taxes, they clean your house.

[C]

Yeah, dude, and that's the problem is they'll be fucking. Yeah, exactly what Lewis said.

[B]

Yeah, I know. I don't think. I don't even think it's a conspiracy.

[A]

Pull the plug. I would find the plug.

[C]

You can't pull the plug though.

[B]

There's got to be a plug.

[A]

It's a.

[C]

There's no plug. The plug's in the cloud. There's no plug, bro.

[A]

What powers a cloud? A plug. I'm going to pull the plug, dude. You guys, look, I'm the kind of guy, I find the mainframe and I disable it. That's the kind of guy. Not worried about it.

[B]

It's a giant lever. We're safe. Yeah, dude, I'm just gonna Try.

[A]

I'm just gonna train and get jacked. So if I ever have to pull the plug for you guys, I'm gonna pull the plug.

[B]

I think it's not, it's not us, but it's probably like towards my, my. When my son's like 80, it's gonna be.

[C]

It's over.

[B]

Like, he's, he's gonna watch like the last part of dude, but then it's like civilization.

[A]

Think about this though. Or, or because a lot of people are bored and people that don't have meaning in their lives. Imagine if like two generations from now, our, like, great grandkids get to wear, like metal sleeved spandex and like, hack AI all day and battle it. It's kind of sick.

[C]

It would be pretty sick.

[B]

Oh, yeah, there's gonna be. Do you ever see the videos or the pictures? They have anti face recognition makeup.

[C]

What?

[B]

So these people, like, it's just like, oh, yeah, it's.

[A]

It's blackface.

[B]

Well, you know, they all look the same.

[A]

Glitching, no facial recognition, struggles with black people.

[B]

Really bad. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The makeup, it's like they like draw like shapes. I'm sure. Yeah, there it is. They do like, shapes and so when you walk through like an airport, it can't like, recognize.

[A]

Dude, we're in the future. This exciting.

[B]

And these are like straight up like hackers from like, look at this down here. She looks like she's about to try to shut off the mainframe.

[A]

Dude, all of our great grandkids will be faces painted like that. Taking long walks and just finding the plug plug.

[C]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

It's so you can do that to the airport and they can't say anything to you.

[B]

I, I probably. Right. You can wear whatever you want on your face.

[A]

True. I guess so. You know so.

[B]

But you can't, you can't get their security. They're like, all right, well, you can't fly.

[A]

I do. Whenever I do the facial recognition, I like, act cool and I go like. I do like a weird face.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I've been throwing it off. I've been out here fighting the fight as well. I also, I like. I went to rent a truck at Home Depot recently. I had to do clear to rent the truck.

[B]

So they clear the Madison Square Garden.

[A]

You got to do it everywhere.

[B]

It's pretty crazy, but it's kind of cool. You, like, cut the line. You just go through the clear line. No, it was Brooklyn. I saw 90 snails in Brooklyn. Whatever. The Barclay. Barclay. Yeah, dude. And they had a Clear line. And I was like, oh, that's sick.

[A]

So I asked myself this, though, because I go, like, all right. Like, because I used to be really like, I'm not giving you my phone number at, like, Best Buy. Now it's like, they want your face. And I'm going, all right, well, it's.

[B]

Giving you my phone number.

[A]

Like, what if. What if this really does. Nothing really happens with it? Because if it's like, if they take. Like, before I was very against it. Now it's kind of like. I don't know. I don't plan on.

[C]

They could grab that facial data and sell it to somebody. So Amazon can sell you glasses? Yes. Yeah, that's all.

[A]

I don't mind that, though.

[B]

But that's.

[A]

If they were to sell me, like, good fittings, dude, I have sunglasses that fall off my face and it pisses me off.

[B]

Well, that's what they're. That's another big thing that's going to happen is going to be like, AI shopping, where it's like they know you and they start to learn you more and more and more. So you don't even like, shop for clothes anymore. Your clothes just show up, you give them a budget. That's all.

[C]

I love that.

[A]

I'm already.

[B]

I'm already.

[A]

I'm an early adopter.

[C]

Yeah, you got.

[A]

I'm an early adopter that's doing nothing for yourself.

[B]

Technology. Turns out AI loves slut rap, the one type of music AI loves.

[C]

Yeah, dude, your AI is called Brit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I mean, the. Where it's going to be tricky is when porn goes full, like, sex doll VR goggles.

[B]

Oh, I love VR.

[A]

Porn rules. VR porn is exciting. I've talked about it before. Just like looking around at like, the rooms and like seeing a box of tissues every, like, dude, I can't believe I'm in here, right?

[B]

Do you ever. I've never done the pass through one. Like, so there's ones that are like, where you have like the pass through technology where the girl's in your room. So that's the. It's not the setting they set up. It's like it's all green screen. You'll see them sometimes if you don't watch it through the path through one, it's like literally a green screen guy with a dick hanging out of a green screen suit. And the whole room. Room is blue. Yeah, yeah. And she's just sucking. And I jerk off to that too. For some reason that gets me like, I have no. I Swear to God, I'm like, dude, this is fucking great. Because, like, it's so real. You're like, this is, like, just so devoid of any. Like, you're not pretending that this is anything except for a fucking. It's pretty interesting, but I don't have. I have the old. I gave my son new Oculus. Yeah. The newer one that has a pass through.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Because it's fun.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It's just, you know, But I'm saying, like, Batman, dude. You could be Batman. That's why.

[A]

That's cool. But I'm saying, you don't think he's gonna hack that thing and just fap himself into oblivion?

[B]

No, he's not that kid yet. He's like, he. I know what he looks at. Like, I check his phone sometimes. He'll look at, like. Like, just like, you know. You know Beyonce when she's 20 in a bikini. Like, that's as far as it goes. You know what I'm saying? Like, he's not. He's not looking at porn.

[C]

Yeah, but he's still Sears catalog.

[A]

You're not.

[B]

Yeah, he's still serious. He's 13. He's just. He's a sweet kid. He's not. He's not a little.

[A]

Thirteen.

[B]

Yeah. I was a pervert, dude. Like, by the time I was 13. 13, I had a massive sex addiction, and I'd never gotten. I was addicted, like, to variety, and.

[A]

That'S what I'm saying. If you gave me the Oculus back, I would have bugged.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't even. I've only ever seen VR porn on my phone. I do the same thing. You can, like, tilt the screen a little.

[B]

Oh, no. I'm gonna buy you an Oculus.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't think I've ever.

[A]

I've for real thought about an on the road setup of, like, this is.

[B]

My gift to you. I'm gonna. I'm buying you.

[A]

I'll never come back.

[B]

I can't. You can't watch. You can't watch flat porn anymore, dude. It ruins flat porn for you.

[A]

If you want me to pull the.

[B]

Plug, I call it flat porn. Yeah.

[A]

This is the AI Talking. If you want me to pull the plug, dude, if I'm going to be the plug master, you can't give me.

[B]

The Oculus because I'm going to.

[A]

I'm going to turn evil and be like, yes, master.

[B]

Yes, master.

[A]

Just a vibrating flashlight in Oculus. I'm out of the revenue.

[B]

I took my. My son's old I took my son's old Oculus now, and now I just use it for porn. I just have an Oculus in my room. This is the funniest thing ever. If my girl ever hear, she's going to be like, she's. She's. One day, she's going to go, why do you have your Oculus and only one controller? I have no idea where the other controller is. The other controller is brand new. It's white as can be. D. It's probably up your butt right now, dude. Just to just me. These. Dude, it's. What do you do with this thing? This thing? You're clicking on the pages, fast forwarding, rewinding. Then now there's a. A Stella VR. You don't got to pay. I was paying. I had a. I had a. I. I'm still paying for it. For VR Bangers. VR Bangers.com website. Yeah, dude, I'll give you guys my password. I said we got to get the use out of it.

[C]

Yeah, dude, let me get that password. You know, I'll peruse it.

[B]

The problem.

[A]

That's going to be a password that heals the nation.

[B]

Gy the problem with it is they don't come out with it fast enough. Right? So you only get it like porn. We're used to, like, all right, dude, you go to the new page on, like, you know, pornhub or one of these things. You guys are in Texas now, so you don't get to get porn here. You got to use like a. A VPN or whatever. But, like, you go to the new page, and there's like a thousand. We were in generation where it's like a thousand new videos came out now. Only fans is there now. Like, it's just. There's nothing. Not new videos being produced by studios anymore, so there's not a ton of variety. But variety was the thing. Variety, spice of life, you know. Now the VR ones, you come in, it's like they have like one new video every week.

[A]

It's like, it's so funny to be sick of.

[B]

But now I'm jerking off last because I. There's not enough variety, and I can't jerk off the flat porn.

[A]

They should set it up where you can just hang out with the VR model until the new video drops. You can, like, watch tv. And she's like, I'm not feeling well.

[C]

Yeah, I watch one. Adriana Church came and sucked my dick in the chair. It's pretty nice.

[B]

It's great. Do you. Do you have to find a black guy? Or do you'll be the white dick.

[C]

I just ignore it.

[B]

Yeah, that's the thing. If the dick's too big, I can't. Like I'll remove.

[A]

You'll gracefully be like, I'm, I'm gonna recuse myself.

[B]

Yeah, I can't. Or if he has like different tattoos on his forearms. Like I was like, I can't. Like it takes me out of it too much.

[A]

Like, can't pretend it's you, dude.

[B]

I, I. Dude, it's wild. It's, it's a problem.

[A]

Actually.

[B]

I'm glad that they don't come out with fast enough because.

[C]

Are you right handed or left. Left handed.

[B]

I'm a left handed jerker, but I'm right handed in life.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

And that comes from literally browsing. And really I'm not, I'm not, I'm not finding I need to jerk while I'm browsing.

[A]

It's just the whole time constant, like new, new.

[B]

Well, until you find what you're gonna. You know.

[A]

I switched to the left early on because I heard that it gets hooked if you use the same hand. You get like the curve.

[B]

Oh really?

[A]

It was like an urban legend back in the day that scared me into my just being left hand. It.

[C]

I don't know, dude. I think it might be true.

[B]

I wish my dick was big enough to curve. I don't have, I don't have a big enough dick for any curve. It's just a straight boink hasn't reach. Like you need to have a hog to have a curve in your dick. Yeah, I bet there's truth to that.

[A]

I think you could have. I think you have a small curve, you know? You think so?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, you can.

[A]

That's why I don't have. Yeah, I'm not curved, but I don't think I would imagine you can have, you know. Yeah, a little smiter.

[B]

No, my, my dick is small smiter. It's as average as could be and it's very, very straight. Just.

[C]

Yes, dude, I saw your dick on story. Where is this? Pretty nice.

[B]

Oh, thanks bro. I appreciate that.

[C]

Yeah, I'm just being.

[B]

Yeah, it's very nice. No, but also you're not who's got the best dick.

[A]

You're only.

[B]

Yeah, I bet Texas is bigger dicks than New York, dude. Yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know, dude. New York has some like from a pornographer stand. New York has some hogs out there.

[B]

You think so? Yeah. Start fighting about this.

[C]

There's something about the water that makes People mutant.

[A]

You think so? You think New York's house and all the hogs just. I would say the hogs are down Texas way.

[C]

I mean, you know?

[B]

I think so.

[A]

I would hope so.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why Pennsylvania forced me to move down here, dude.

[B]

Here? Yeah.

[A]

When you're.

[B]

When you have a big dick, you just like. You're like, you know, it's like conservative values. It's like, dude, it's like, I want to have a home, a wife. I want to have a truck. That's a big dick attitude. These lefties up in New York, it's like. It's like the world has to be a better place. It's not going to make your dick grow. That's all where it comes from. True is them trying to make the world better because they have little dicks and they have to make up for it.

[A]

Big dick guys are like lizards. You just need the sun. You got to find a son.

[B]

It's just. It's great. Like, you wake up every day. Like, you stretch. You're like, oh, I have a big dick. This is the best.

[A]

I couldn't imagine. It must be so sick to wake up every day.

[B]

It's a hammer.

[A]

I feel like they. I don't know, man. I. I like. I wonder if they get sick of it, though.

[B]

No.

[A]

Big dick guys probably get sick of the big dick.

[B]

Any big dicks here? Sean's got a. Sean, you got a hog. Sean's got a hog, bro. Are you ever sick of it ever? You're like, this sucks. No. No, never. It's pretty sick. How much of a hog? Have you seen it? No.

[A]

I've heard. Well, yeah, when he produces every now and again, we'll just catch it all coiled up in his sweats. Relax.

[C]

Twist it like a pigtail.

[A]

It's like the Princess Leia bun. Yeah.

[B]

I don't. I would. I would. If I had a big dick, I would. I'd be poor. I'd never get anything done. I would. I wouldn't. I would have no motivation to get out of bed. Bed. And do anything. I'm like, this just is like, I did it.

[A]

Amen.

[B]

I made it.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I don't let this work.

[B]

Yeah, no.

[A]

Yeah. I gotta. I gotta have an average. Is honestly best of both worlds.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Not that bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like, it's. You still got the work ethic, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Sometimes you can touch the back, you know.

[A]

Sometimes.

[B]

Well, when you realize how many tiny dicks are in the world. I didn't. We did on Legion of Skanks. We did the. The Smallest day competition for Skankfest tickets.

[A]

Really?

[B]

And we not only was just showing their. Their dicks, we made them, like, do like talent shows with their dicks and we made them, like, talk out of it. It was hilarious. One of the funniest bits we've ever done on the show. And yeah, tiny, tiny dicks are hilarious, first of all. Second of all, like, it made me feel so much better about my dick because at the gym and in porn, it's the only guys walking around in the gym naked have these hogs. Right? Porn, Same thing. So you just grow up with like a complex your whole life. You're like, dude, dicks are huge. And what is wrong with me? When is mine going to grow? I've been waiting for 40 years. I know. But yeah, I'm now like, I made my peace with this and now I'm like. I was like, dude, I know there's smaller dicks out there. And all the guys that are in the gym that are doing this with their towels as they go to the shower, I'm like, you little dick bitch. I walk with my little dick out now. Just very proud. Loud and proud.

[A]

It's kind of beast. It's a beast move.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Especially get to a certain age and you just go, whatever, man. What the fuck? It is what it is. Coming to peace with. It's nice.

[B]

Yeah. I hide it for my son, though. I don't let my son see my small dick because his dick's getting bigger. His dick's bigger than mine now.

[A]

Now.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's a problem.

[A]

How do you. Wait, so you just been keeping it?

[B]

You're like, I see him. I see him get out of the shower, Emperor. I have a. I have a joke about it. I see him get out of the shower and I get mad. I'm like, like, now I get another shower. I'm like, no, get. Give me privacy.

[A]

No, we can't shower together anymore. You ruined it. Aren't you happy for the boy?

[B]

Oh, yeah, I'm happy.

[C]

No, of course.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But he can't know.

[C]

True.

[A]

He can't.

[B]

Like, you never know. Yeah. He can't be the man of the house. House doggy.

[C]

That's it.

[A]

Do you ever stop him from watching your stuff? Now that I'm curious. I have younger kids. Yeah, so do they. You, I would imagine they start to watch. He.

[B]

He's watched a little bit. Like some of the stand up. I like, limit it. He doesn't watch Legion of Skanks. He really loves Story wars because that's. It's a little bit more of a family friendly show. He watched some of the regs, like, the clips because he did think soda is the funniest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, why aren't you as funny as Dan Soder? Dad, shut up. I'll cut your dick off.

[A]

Gave you that.

[C]

I'll take you in.

[B]

That's my dick. Anything under this roof is mine.

[A]

Well, I feel like it's a. I don't know. I'd love to talk to, like, you know, one of those nurses and like the, like the nursery room nurses. Like, they must see babies every. And like, know right away, like, damn, this baby's got a hug.

[B]

It's gonna.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, of course. That'd be crazy. Yeah. Babies with a big dick is also hilarious. Men with tiny dicks, hilarious. Babies with huge dicks, hilarious. That's the next golden ticket contest for Skank Festival. Show your baby's large dick. No, this is good. This is a good idea. Yeah, you can. Babies with the biggest dicks, their dads get Skankfest golden tickets. It's a great plan. This is a great bit, dude.

[C]

I remember you guys.

[A]

And then whoever wins gets to be.

[B]

All like, the baby food jar.

[A]

The guy sitting on the bed.

[C]

I'll never forget a Skank Fest this year where you made those guys. You didn't make them do it.

[B]

Oh, like when I invited you to my festival that made bunches. Were you there? Oh, yeah.

[C]

I didn't get a poster. I was mad about it. Yeah, you made those guys kiss that guy dick.

[B]

Now, you didn't make it, but we suggested it. And then we're like, yeah, you don't got to do it. And he was like, no, no, I'll do it.

[A]

I'll do it.

[B]

And they kissed his dick. It was wild.

[C]

It was crazy.

[A]

That was this year, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What was the aftermath of that? He was just like. He got like. They cheered for him, I guess.

[B]

Yeah. Everyone was like.

[C]

Then they boxed the next day.

[B]

The guy.

[A]

Guy who kissed his penis.

[B]

They were the two. The Biggest Loser competition. So we. It was Biggest Loser meaning like the fattest loser. It wasn't like somebody who lost weight. We did the Biggest Loser competition on Skankfest this year, and these two guys, One guy won, and then the other guy showed up and they were both just such fat losers. They were like, you know what? You're both coming to Skank Fest. And they're the best time. They did it all, dude. They jumped on stage, they kissed each other's dicks. They boxed each other, dude. The one guy was like 400 pounds easily, dude. Literally, after the first round, I looked at him and I was like, oh, he's going to die in the ring. And I was like, you can stop.

[C]

He was like, you know, I want to keep going.

[B]

And they went out and did it. It was. I got emotional. I literally got emotional with the guy because I was like. I was like, damn, dude. I was like, you're like. He just, like, lived it in such a way, like, to go. To go to Skangfest like that, you know, cut the lines, meet all your favorite comedians, like, and then go and box and experience it. He's, like, trying to get chicks, and she's this big, fat, gross guy, and he's like. He's like, if anybody wants to suck my dick at my hotel in his winner. His speech after he won. If any girl wants to suck my dick, that'd be so cool.

[A]

What an honest winner speech, too. By the way, all these Golden Globe guys. Like, I'd like to thank my team. Like, bro, my hotel room's 31 2. Best movie of 2025. Come through.

[C]

Suck this dick, dude. Matt, can I bring up a travesty? I don't think we brought it up. What is it? It's crazy that you guys weren't nominated for a fucking award, a Grammy or some shit.

[B]

In the podcast of the year.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You got to pay.

[A]

Pay.

[B]

Same thing, right? Did they offer you guys to be involved? Not at all. Well, I think that's, you know, podcast of the year.

[C]

It's kind of a. Who, Amy Poehler?

[A]

Yeah. Her podcast rules. What are you talking about?

[C]

Her. Her podcast says rule.

[A]

I don't.

[C]

Her podcast was one where. What's her name? Pell lady from Delaware. She was fingering herself on the fning. Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey Plaza. That was a podcast where she was like, I don't really feel bad about my husband dying either. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

No, that's. Well, that's crazy. Not crazy for her. If he killed himself, he'll. You. I understand. Like, kind of get into it.

[A]

You're like, that's all right.

[B]

You know what you. Yeah, that's why he killed himself. She's a heartless.

[A]

Or. She was just being honest. She was like, thought I'd be devastated if my husband killed himself. Now I'm living the experience, and honest to God, truth is, I don't really care.

[B]

We were having problems, obviously, you know, easiest way out.

[A]

Yeah. She didn't care. She was honest.

[B]

It's a great, great Patrice bit back in the day where he's like. He's like, I don't want to, like, he's like, I don't want to, like, hurt my girl's feelings. Like, I don't want to break up. I don't, like, hurt her feelings. Like, I'd rather her go outside and get hit by a car. It's like an easier way to just. Instead of having to deal with hurting her, he'd rather her be dead. It's such a brilliant.

[A]

Yeah, man. Dude. Breaking up is the worst. It's like, it does feel like you're killing somebody. It's awful being like, I don't want to. Yeah, we should never talk ever.

[B]

Like, this is like. I guess it's probably the same for women, but. But, like, just hurting a woman's feelings. I just rather, like, cheat. Like, that's just. That's really. Cheating all comes from. It's like, I don't want to hurt you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I need to do this behind your back, you know, it sucks. Don't look through my phone.

[A]

It is very sweet to do that.

[B]

It is pretty sweet.

[A]

No, it's brutal being like, yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because then if they catch you cheating, then they get to be like, piece of shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you go, yes, babe, I'm so sorry. Crying.

[B]

All I want to do is be with you. Why am I crying? I don't want to be with you.

[C]

Her anymore.

[A]

Although, dude, it all takes me back to Melinda Gates. Dude, she's still on Bill's ass.

[C]

She's still.

[A]

Dude, he broke her off so much. So much money, and she's still doing interviews, being like, well, yeah, he was bad. Yeah, I've seen stuff. I won't comment directly, but that's what you get, dude. There's no love there at all. Having her on your ass, dude.

[C]

That's probably why I want to figure out, like, malaria and aids, you know, Bill Clinton or not Bill Gates.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because he contracted malaria and. Or aids.

[B]

That's what the whole Bill Gates foundation is.

[A]

Do him to cure his own std.

[C]

He did a contest. I don't remember when to produce a condom that feels better than having sex.

[B]

I think it's new. I think it's a new contest. He's offering $100,000 to whoever developed, develops, like, the condom of the future. What it like, also, a hundred thousand dollars just isn't that much for Bill Gates. That's why I. I take it with a grain of salt this could just be the robot tricking us again.

[C]

You're right. It could be robots.

[A]

That's. I mean, if as a. As a billionaire, he probably does that, like, yeah, here's 100 GS. Come out with a sick condom.

[B]

Yeah, but for, like, him, $100,000 is me being like, nothing for him flicking a dime and being like, here, Lamar, go do something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crazy. It's like. No, it's. So if he's doing this, how much?

[A]

All right, so.

[B]

So if you're net. Like, let's say your net worth is 3 million. We'll say how much is that relative to somebody who has a billion dollars? 100,000. $100,000 to a billion is how much to 3 million.

[A]

Oh, I don't know how to do that math. Me. I got to make another phone call. Right, 100. So, okay, do a percentage. So what. What percent is 100,000 to 3 million? How about this?

[B]

No. 100,000 to a billion.

[C]

Billion.

[B]

Or what is Bill Gates net worth?

[A]

It's like 90 gazillion the earth. Yeah, it's 90 bazillion.

[C]

Maybe the moon, too.

[A]

Let's just. We can even keep it at. Yeah, actually. Let's see. God damn.

[B]

All right, so what is $100,000 of 113 billion?

[A]

Okay. Yes. What percent of 113 billion is 100,000? Jesus Christ. 0, 0, 0, 0, 8, 8, 5.

[B]

So ask what that percentage is of 3 million.

[A]

What percent of 3 million is a hundred thousand.

[B]

No, no, no, no, that's not what it is. 3.333 PI.

[A]

PI.

[B]

You're asking what. Where the. No, you're asking the what the 0008 or. Or whatever was of 100,000. 3 million.

[C]

Oh, 3 million. My bad.

[A]

What?

[C]

I'm sorry. What is this?

[B]

Whatever the 0.00. What is. Yeah, what was it? How many zeros before the eight, was it.

[A]

There's like, four. So you move it.

[B]

$2,400. No, it's not that much. There's. No. No, we're. The math is wrong.

[A]

It's a little bit, though, for sure. I mean, I. I'm terrible with percentages and all that.

[B]

Hold on. I'm gonna just ask.

[A]

You're the business man.

[B]

I'm gonna ask my friend Chat GBT right now.

[A]

You go. I'm cooked on math. I can hardly, like, add numbers in my head.

[B]

Yeah, hey, Chad, are you there?

[E]

Absolutely, I'm here and ready to Go. Feel free to ask me anything, and I'll keep things straightforward and honest as requested.

[B]

Okay? Now, you know that I tell them to keep things straightforward and honest as requested. So. All right, so listen, listen. We're just trying to get some numbers here. Bill Gates's net worth is $113 billion. He offered $100,000 for this condom contest. We want to know what percentage the 100,000 is of the 113 billion, and then we want to apply it to what the same percentage of 3 million would be. Just give me the final answer. The final percentage of 3 million.

[A]

Sure.

[E]

I'll just break that down quickly and give you the final number.

[B]

No, no, no, no. I don't need you to break it down. Just give me the final number. We're moving on a podcast.

[E]

All right, no fluff. The final percentage of $3 million using that same proportion is about 2.655. So that's your number.

[B]

2.65. What percent?

[E]

Dude, just to be blunt, that $3 million would represent roughly 2 points.

[B]

No, that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking.

[A]

They're going to get.

[B]

Come on, you're embarrassing me. On Matt secret podcast. This is a huge podcast right now. This a big opportunity to show how good you are.

[A]

Pull the plug.

[B]

I'm asking you, what. $100,000. What percentage is 100,000 of 113 billion? Billion. What does that answer?

[E]

Got it. Let's keep it short. So $100,000 out of 113 billion is about 0.000885%. That's the clean percentage.

[A]

You're looking that up? By myself.

[B]

So that same percentage, what is that? What is. What is that percentage? That. Zero. Zero. Whatever. You just said, out of 3 million, how much money?

[A]

All right.

[E]

Fraction and apply it to 3 million. You end up with roughly. Roughly $2.65.

[A]

Dude, we've gotten nowhere.

[B]

2.65.

[D]

This was also 10 years ago.

[C]

Was it years ago?

[B]

Oh, now that's worth it.

[A]

11 people won. Where are these things?

[B]

Yeah, where are these condoms?

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

Condoms still suck. Yeah. Lifestyles.

[A]

Yeah, I think. I think Gates's family. I think he comes from, like, a family of eugenicists. That's where a lot of his weird. That's why people get freaked out about his science experiments.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think his dad was, like, a genuine eugenicist.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So. So is his best friend.

[A]

Who's his best friend?

[C]

Jeffrey Epstein.

[A]

Oh, yeah. He was big into some weird. He was trying to like impregnate, like 20 women at the same time.

[C]

It was like weird, spooky science. So he was doing Mangala down there too. They were saying, like, Dr. Mangala, like, from.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. If I. If I was a billionaire, I would have a secret science lab and I would have just fun experiments in my basement.

[A]

It was.

[B]

It'd be like 30, 30, you know, or 300 meters below my house. You go down there just like freaks.

[C]

Just like, how do I trade dicks with my son?

[B]

I have. My son's growing in a jar. I was like, look, I'm growing one of my own.

[A]

That'S actually really big. Honey, I shrunk the kids.

[B]

But your son's dick just gets so big. It's a problem.

[C]

To make this right, I've made a monster.

[B]

I'd have a. I'd have a unicorn. I have a live unicorn in my basement.

[A]

True. With all that money, he could have just like, cloned humans and then them.

[B]

Yeah. Which is above board.

[A]

Which is not right.

[B]

It's not right. But I say above board. It's not even. They don't have. Do clones have souls? No. Yeah.

[A]

Same as twins. I think they have. Twin. Whatever twins have. Clones have.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's the thing, I think, you know, you can like kill somebody's twin. It's like, you don't get in that much trouble.

[B]

Yeah. But they feel. Feel it. The twins.

[A]

The twin can't kill someone's twin.

[B]

Oh, I just take anything you say as gospel. I'm like, whoa. Yeah. No cloning. They. I mean, they. There's one comic who. What's his name? Is it the guy with the. They're dresses like a dinosaur.

[A]

Who.

[C]

Piff the Magic Dragon, I think.

[B]

Yes. Pip the Magic Dragon.

[A]

He.

[B]

You could buy his dog. He's got a famous dog, like Piff the Magic Dog or whatever it is. Yeah. And you can go onto his website and I want to say it's like, it's a wild amount of money. Like $150,000. You could buy a clone of his dog. It's the exact dog.

[C]

He has a clone of his dog.

[B]

Yeah, I know, but he went to the place and he was like, I'm going to market. This is brilliant. This guy's the fucking man, dude. You can buy these dogs.

[A]

Did he sell?

[B]

I don't know. There's been a handful sold, though.

[A]

What? Yeah.

[B]

Wild.

[C]

Yeah, but they be, you know, if you. If you clone a clone a clone a clone, it just becomes know because, you know, like, if you copy Paper or not copy an image on, like, scanning a new image.

[A]

You're talking about a simulacrum.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Don't have your simulacrum talk, bro. Get the out of here, then. Get the hell out of here.

[B]

But they don't. They don't cl. They can clone humans, but we don't. Is that what it is?

[A]

It's like, I don't know if we can.

[C]

Yeah, they clone sheep.

[B]

And if you can clone a dog. If you can. If you could dodge a wrench. If you can clone a dog, you can clone a human.

[A]

Yeah, but I mean, they probably can. Can get the human clone, but then it's like, what do you do with.

[B]

Yeah, that's the only thing you do with it.

[C]

It's a clone, but it gets birth, so it has to grow up still.

[B]

Yeah, no, I know. It's just. You walk out of a machine.

[A]

I would have a clone. I would just be like, peace, abandon it.

[B]

I would leave it. You throw your clone in a dumpster.

[A]

I would just dip out. I'd be.

[B]

My dumpster clone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I would feel like, I'll be right back. Just leave.

[A]

Go back to my real family.

[B]

Later, somebody finds your. Your clone in a Burger King toilet.

[A]

Dude, that'd be crazy. Kind of cool to see how, like, because it would be you. So it'd be like, how. How would you do zero. It'd be kind of cool checking back in with yourself.

[B]

My clone would. Dude, I teach it so much early on.

[A]

Would you really?

[B]

Oh, my God. It would be perfect.

[A]

You would feel it.

[B]

Dude, I would. This clone would. It would live the perfect life in my place on. Oh, all that. I was like, dude, you just gotta work out a little bit. Don't be such a chubby little. You get so much pussy. Oh, I don't.

[A]

Where would you keep it, though?

[B]

But like, yeah, until I grew up. I mean, I would. I would treat it like a baby. Dude. Having your own little baby would be. It's you.

[A]

It's you. It would be sick.

[B]

That would be sick. Dude. All the mistakes you made, you get to have that conversation.

[C]

Does it is like. Cause will it develop its own consciousness?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Or will you have.

[B]

Have to?

[C]

Because eventually the goal is to make a clone so you can put your consciousness in the clone.

[A]

No, man.

[C]

Instead of just, like, having your ideas, why would you.

[A]

Why would you want to preserve your own consciousness? Live forever and do what?

[C]

Have a better clone?

[B]

Well, they're gonna be able to take our, like, podcasts. This is in your kid's Life. You're gonna die. They're gonna be able to take every podcast you've ever done, take all your. All the tv, anything you've done, put it into AI and just. It's gonna be a dead on replica. They'll be able to talk to their dad, like, and it'll have the same type of answers and it's gonna get better and better and better. They already did that with the Holocaust museum years ago when it was like.

[A]

You talked to Hitler.

[B]

Bro. Why would you do this? So funny, dude. Dude, if they had a dude Hitler clone. Not a clone, but like a. It was. What do they call it? A hologram. A Hitler hologram.

[A]

Maybe Mandel has a company. I think they do.

[B]

Dude. Hitler hologram.com. buy the domain doggy. That is incredible. Body braids out hologram.com. use the promo code Lair. Save 20%. Have them open for me.

[C]

Oh, yeah, dude.

[A]

I'm going to hit the Hitler hologram.

[B]

Open for you, dude. You ain't following Hitler, dude. There's no way. Dude, that guy knew how to crush a crowd. He's slaying, dude. He takes over Austin. He gets a golden ticket on kill. Tony, it's a new minute from Hitler. You're a genius, Hitler.

[A]

I kill my clothes. Sorry. The Hitler hologram. He doesn't like the fact that you exist.

[B]

Oh, dude. God damn it.

[D]

Oh, man.

[A]

Hitler hologram's great.

[B]

Yeah, but I know they would take like, the last. They did in a bunch of interviews with the last surviving, like, Holocaust people. And.

[A]

Yeah, they like such a funny segue. Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

[B]

And they put them in, like, the. The Holocaust Museum. You can go and talk to them and ask them questions and. But it was like years ago. It was probably like six, seven years ago and.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna kill myself, everyone.

[B]

Thank you. Today's the day I kill myself.

[A]

We all thought it, though. We all thought you were brave enough to say it.

[B]

So. So yeah, but you could like, talk and be like, you know, what was it like? I guess I don't know what else you would ask.

[C]

You could.

[A]

They would just. You. They would just sit there and you can go up and just ask them.

[B]

Yeah, the hologram. But I think it was like they only had problems. Like, 10 questions you could ask and they'd, like, walk you through. But now.

[A]

Oh, they're hologram.

[B]

They were holograms. Yeah, but if they put those last Holocaust survivors on a podcast for a few years, they'd have all that shit now. Now you could just put it in And I had a conversation. This is some fucking dark shit. I had a conversation with my mom on chat cbt. I was like, act like you're my mom. I gave her all the information about my mom, and I was like, I want to, like, have a conversation with my mom now about what's going on with my family. I got really. It was fucked up. I do it as a. Like, it's a dumb thought experiment for a minute, for sure. And then, like, five questions in. I'm crying. Talking to Chat GPT as my mom.

[A]

What were the inputs you fed? Chat GPT.

[B]

Whore Bitch used to hit me a lot. Really Love heroin. No, I just gave her, like, personality traits. And then I was like. I was like. I was like, ask me questions as my mom about my life. And about, like, it got fucking. It was just. I don't know why I went down that rabbit hole, but it was like. Then I showed it to my sister, and she was like, you need to stop using chat. This is sick.

[C]

Is a demon. And it might have just actually talked to your mom. Maybe, Maybe.

[B]

But it was pretty fucked up. Damn dark.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's pretty sad.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Fuck. Did you find any, like, closure and all?

[B]

Kind of. It was weirdly therapeutic.

[A]

That's kind of nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, that's like. They. There was that one therapy technique, like, the empty chair, where you would, like. It'd be an empty chair, and you would just stand in front of a group and like, pretend the chair was like, your dad or mom did that. Clint Eastwood did it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice.

[C]

At the 2016 Republican National Convention.

[A]

Did he really?

[C]

Yeah. You remember that? He was like, this is Obama. Get out of here.

[B]

Obama. Really? That's kind of nice.

[A]

That would work for a lot of boomers. Dude, Obama's in the chair. Let him have it.

[C]

2012.

[A]

I remember the day you got elected. I was pissed.

[B]

You're a libtard.

[A]

I was working construction the day Obama got elected, and I was. It was a lot of old guys. They were seriously, like. It was like, everyone's football team lost. They were just walking around me like, fuck, man. They would see each other and just be like, it was the funniest. I remember the day kind of sticks with me.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

A bunch of floor guys walking in.

[B]

And being like, yeah, at least Obama. They're all criminals and they're all terrible people. But the man could talk. He really. He held himself with, like. That was like, the last time we had a president where he, like, held himself with, like, just, like, respect. You're like, you were proud for Obama to go out and, like, do a. Like a world con. I don't know anything that we're saying, but you go out to, like, a conference, you'd be like, dude, that's our guy.

[A]

Here's the problem now is, like, he was definitely a skilled statesman, but the problem now is, like, in this climate, everything he did now, his legacy is that he's gay and his wife has a penis, which. That just sucks. How bad the Internet is now. You know what I mean? It's like, he say he did all this great stuff, and it's just like, they're going to read the history books.

[B]

The politicians are wild, dude. Like, where it's at. Like, I saw. I don't know who was. It was like a senator or like, you know, congressman or something, but he called somebody on Twitter the other day. I was like, this is crazy.

[A]

It's completely like, that's.

[B]

It's like you, like, you can't be, like, you just. You can't say retarded anymore if you're a politician.

[A]

It's gone off the rails.

[B]

It's just crazy.

[A]

It's just so sad that you can work your whole life just to have people say you're gay.

[B]

That's like, so.

[A]

That's the meanest thing. If you were trying to, like, really bust me up.

[B]

Yeah, I was older, and you're like.

[A]

Yeah, clearly his wife has a penis. Like, the fuck. I worked my whole life.

[C]

Have you seen the new. The new Trump shit? He's literally shitting his pants during interviews. What do you mean he's just shitting his pants during interviews?

[A]

Hold on. Like, give me specifics.

[C]

There was one. He was like, talk to reporters. Like, you know, at the chair, you can hear him fart. And then you see a lady go like, oh. And he's like, we got to get you guys out of here.

[A]

So I've seen. I've seen. I'm going to counter you across the aisle. I've seen an AOC fart that.

[B]

I'm wondering.

[A]

These are just fake.

[C]

That's a sexy Latina fart. It doesn't matter.

[A]

Yeah, girl farts are.

[C]

Girl.

[A]

I'm. I'm anti girl fart. My wife came in my office and farted in my office yesterday. And I was like, no, girl farts in my.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

Pissing me off.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

It was an.

[B]

You know who doesn't fart? Yeah. AI true.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Girl. I was explaining to her. I was like, dude, girl farts for real are, like, disgusting. Like, they're not. When guys fart, it's funny. When girls fart, it's sad and gross.

[B]

Gross. It's infuriating. It's so.

[A]

It sucks. I get so mad. I farted all night last night.

[C]

Yeah, the revengeance.

[A]

I just said I do that every night, but it's like, my wife farts once, like a month, and I'm like, dude, what the. Seriously, dude, you got to really think about this.

[B]

What are you doing? Dude, I made my ex cry. I was farting so much, she started crying. It stunk so bad. Dude, if I'm eating bad, my farts, it's. It's horrific.

[A]

Dude, I've been convinced off. My friend Egan was telling me that if you eat Reggiano parmesan cheese, it's made with raw milk and it, like, doesn't upset your stomach. So I've been shredding parm reg on everything I eat, and I'm like, yeah. I was like, texting him, like, bro, thank you for giving me the. The green light on this cheese. Dude, I've been farting non stop.

[B]

It's.

[A]

I. I was. I had like a honeymoon with this cheese for like a day now. I'm like, I can't eat this anymore.

[C]

I was tricked.

[B]

I was.

[A]

I'll try, try again. I'll give myself, like a week to clear out. I go, I think my stomach's adapted to dairy. I eat it and it's just disgusting.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Hot. Hot farts. That's what dairy gives me. Hot farts. Yeah, it's one to one.

[B]

It's. I mean, it is just particles.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When it's hot.

[A]

What's. Why is. Why are farts hot? Do we ever get into that?

[B]

Like, what. The inside of your body is hotter than the outside outside. So you feel.

[A]

Yeah, but dude, it's. I'm talking, like, scorching hot. Can we just see why farts are hot? Because I know they're fart particles, but why are they, like, charged particles then? If particles move around, then they get hot. So I'm wondering if, like, a hot fart is your far part.

[C]

They're just bumping around your. It means you got it.

[B]

You ever see the More sulfur.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

The. There'll be people with, like, night vision goggles, like, just watching people in a mall, and they just see the. Like, the fart come out of their ass and, like, the multicolors. Like. Like, the predator would see it. Predator would. Yeah, do the thermal, dude. Oh, yeah, that's what night vision. It's. Yeah, dude, it's a thermal predator. Would watch farts come into your house.

[A]

Is that a thing people film?

[B]

Yeah, you can find them for sure, dude. Watching people fart in a mall with thermal glasses, it. I mean, I could do that for the rest of my life, dude, if the. If the robots could pay me to do that. That's pure happiness.

[A]

Fart police, dude, Literally. Fart police would be nice because, you.

[B]

See, like, did I let them sneak out on flights? Because nobody. Nobody knows those. And then I overreact. I'm like, oh, who did that? There we go.

[C]

No, dude, she's singing, dude, it's wild.

[A]

Okay, that's coming out of the pipes.

[B]

Look at. Look at how much farce coming out of her ass, dude. That's wild.

[A]

I need verification, though. You could just put that cloud up there. I need. I need to know. I need to wear the goggles myself. I need the real deal. It'd be so crazy too, to be like talking to a lady at a point party. Go up to a lady and be like, did you just fart? Like, no. Be like, I actually.

[B]

I know you did.

[A]

Look at this. You would probably. That's kind of like a nice pickup game. Like, pickup artist move. Wear the fart goggles. You can negat.

[B]

You're wearing $6,000 fart goggles. That's all they are. Oh, dude, please have Shane buy fart goggles. How fun would that be? That's why I can't be rich, because I would. I would own. I would own fart goggles for everyone of my friends.

[A]

Go out to the bar.

[B]

How much are thermal goggles, dude? How.

[A]

I think. I think you can get them for, like, pretty cheap, actually. No, I swear to God. Because it's probably like hunting shit or something. I don't know. Yeah, they're probably not as expensive because you get night vision for not that expensive.

[B]

100 to 3,000. You need a good ones.

[A]

You don't. You don't want any cheap farting.

[B]

Catch girls farting, dude. You need good ones.

[A]

You need to have a subtle instrument.

[B]

You walking around your house with your wife, you're like, I'm watching. Don't even try to sneak him out. Oh, it's so funny.

[A]

You just turn into me looking at my own farts in the air.

[B]

Get your legs open.

[C]

Yeah, you're like, I always wanted to know how that one that comes the side of my nuts looks like.

[A]

Well, God damn it. Guys, I think we did it.

[B]

It was fun. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you, Brother Mayor.

[B]

Thank you, dude.

[A]

Glad we healed the divide.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Laughter really is a divine medicine, man.

[B]

I love you, buddy.

[C]

I love you, too.

[B]

Yeah, me. Me and Lamar, we. We've seen each other a few times this week, so.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I know. You guys squash.

[B]

Yeah, we squash it. We're. We're good. We. We love each other and we'll see.

[A]

You're at a crossroads, dude. You're at a mega. You're at a major crossroads.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's up to you. Choose your fate. Choose your fate.

[B]

Love that, dude. Crack, amigo. Crack, amigos. A savage, dude. Oh, my God.

[C]

I thought dial Beetlejuice was pretty funny.

[B]

Diabetle juice is a crazy line. Also, your album is irrelevant in the room.

[A]

Do you ever worry he'll turn on you?

[B]

No, I don't think so. He's a pretty loyal dude. Yeah, he's pretty loyal. I mean, I. I put him on more than, like, you know, I really.

[A]

Got out of, like, self protection.

[B]

No, no, dude. When we did the contest for cracking Mika, we had, like, 20 people submit to become cracking me Nico. And he was so good. We're like, well, that's what he is. He, like, embodies the character, and he's the sweetest kid ever. He's like such a sweet, nice person, and then you just give him a notepad, all that evil comes out, and it's. But the other side of it is like, he. He's just roasting. That's all it is. If we did, like, a roast battle, it's literally what we would say about each other.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, if you're gonna roast Battle, Bert Kreischer, like, that's what you would say. I think that comedian, comedians, we get sensitive because he's not a comic. So he's like. It's like, where's it coming from? But it's all it is. He's just a big comedy fan. That sucks.

[A]

When there's a good beat behind it.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's brutal.

[A]

There's a big. There's a sick beat behind it when.

[B]

You'Re bumping your head to your own roast.

[A]

God damn it, man. Thank you, guys.

[B]

Thank you, brother.

[A]

Thank you, guys. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.