Ep 600 - Hedonic Treadmill (feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi)

Summary

Matt & Shane’s Secret Podcast
Episode 600 – Hedonic Treadmill
feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi
Release: February 26, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this milestone 600th episode, Matt and Shane welcome comedians Joe List and Steve Rannazzisi for a raucous, freewheeling discussion on everything from intrusive thoughts and royal scandals to the “hedonic treadmill,” personal hygiene failures, and the indignities of aging. The conversation swings from dark humor and conspiracy riffs to moments of real-life vulnerability and classic comic camaraderie.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Intrusive Thoughts, OCD, and Comedy (00:00–03:33)

• The gang opens by riffing on cities merging and the awkward energy of starting a pod without being “in the zone.”
• Shane shares about intrusive thoughts at funerals and in tense situations, framing it as a quasi-OCD phenomenon:
  • Quote: “When I'm at a funeral or something, you just want to be like, kiss on her face. You know, you want to yell something.” (Shane, 02:16)
• Joe and others agree—everyone gets briefly compelled by odd, dark possibilities (“I could just drive into a ditch right now with my family”).
• They observe it’s a common, unspoken human impulse, especially heightened by city life.

2. Tourette’s, Culture, and Social Barriers (00:58–02:16)

• Discussion of a man with Tourette’s at the BAFTAs leads to a comic tangent:
  • They debunk the myth that people with Tourette’s always yell the N-word, likening it to a parrot “echoing” its environment.
• The conversation pivots to how the social inhibitions we all have are relative—and comics are constantly noticing where those “barriers” are.

3. The Hedonic Treadmill, Compulsion, and Wealth (06:59–07:59)

• Shane introduces the central episode theme: the hedonic treadmill—the idea that pleasure fades, and humans continually seek novel thrills.
  • Quote: “It's just you… You buy a big house, and you're like, I finally got this big… but I could use a screen-in porch… so that's the same with sex, I think.” (Shane, 07:19)
• The group riffs on how kings, royals, and the super-wealthy chase ever more novel experiences, sometimes with disastrous or criminal results.

4. Royals, Prince Andrew, and Escalating Scandals (04:03–08:16)

• Extended bit imagining Prince Andrew’s legal troubles:
  • They riff on the potential for royal “punishments” and speculate about his proximity to kingship through misadventure or violence.
• The conversation veers into absurd territory, suggesting losing “princely” attributes as a fitting punishment:
  • Quote: “Princes should get, like, their hands chopped off instead of going to jail.” (Unknown, 05:05)

5. Epstein, the Elite, and ‘Lemonade’ Conspiracies (15:41–24:34)

• They dissect pedophile conspiracy theories, Epstein’s social circle, and coded language (like the infamous “lemonade” emails).
  • Quote: “I didn't know he was in it, too… he wants to get pissed on, I think. Lemonade.” (Shane & Joe, 15:57)
• The group points out that “billionaires have so much money” they stop seeing legal or moral boundaries, speculating about how scandals keep going underground.

6. Baby Eating, Cannibalism & Adrenochrome—Internet Lore Run Wild (21:34–24:48)

• Parodying “QAnon”-style obsessions, they compare the consumption of baby animals—veal, caviar—with outlandish allegations about elites eating babies.
• Joe sums up the comics’ position: “I can’t get on board with it. I cannot believe…” (23:18)

7. Stand-up Trends: Crowd Work, Props, and AI (25:14–26:49)

• Quick sidebar on stand-up comedy trends:
  • Shane and Steve say crowd work clips are “dying out,” predicting prop comedy or AI “3D” clips as the next wave.
  • Steve: “I like it… you can literally put yourself in any situation in the world.” (Joe, 26:02)
  • AI video tools fool family members into thinking the comics have gotten jacked.

8. Awkward Social Protests & Jewish Identity (27:03–36:01)

• Matt and Shane recall walking through anti-Israel/Palestinian protests with Jewish comic Ari Shaffir.
  • Matt: “There were swastikas around. They were getting hardcore.” (28:24)
• They compare protest groups (Westboro Baptist, Black Israelites) to “roast battles” and performance art.

9. Life, Work, Masculinity & the Myth of Self-Sufficiency (44:51–50:16)

• Discussion about trying and failing at home improvement and the wisdom of hiring professionals.
• Iconic quote as they relate trades to stand-up: “It’d be like if someone was like, yeah, I had a big corporation and wanted to do the stand up.” (Shane, 46:41)
• Delightful nostalgia about terrible painting jobs, lawncare mishaps, and the shame of “frog tape.”

10. Hygiene, Masculinity, and Family TMI (61:03–75:19)

• In their signature gross-out mode, they swap stories about embarrassing masturbation habits and adolescent confusion.
  • “I started masturbating before I could even ejaculate. So I would stand up off the toilet and pee into the bathtub at the end and be like, I'm done.” (Unknown, 63:17)
• Talk of teaching their sons, or not, about masturbation, and hygiene lessons from spouses.

11. Marriage, Parenting, and Domestic Power Struggles (75:24–77:54)

• Matt and Joe commiserate: wives constantly on phones, subtle messages via Instagram Reels, and the passive-aggression of sending “gentle” hints.
  • “That’s the most passive aggressive way you can tell someone you’re not as good as they want you to be.” (Joe, 77:16)

12. Old Guy Falls, Injuries, and Social Mortification (78:11–84:05)

• Hilarious stories of adult falls: slipping on ice, naked bed stumbles, public transportation wipeouts.
  • “I feel like if you’re an adult and you fall, you should have to go to jail for like two hours.” (Unknown, 79:30)
• LaMaire’s on-camera sidewalk tumble is dissected and replayed (“What an edit!”—Joe, 83:53), with existential laments about the ‘panopticon’ of modern surveillance.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On the Hedonic Treadmill:
  “You get a huge house… but you gotta keep getting all the stuff. That’s the same with sex, I think.”
  — Shane Gillis (07:19)

• On Intrusive Thoughts:
  “It’s a second of thought that could be living in New York too long.”—Joe List (02:58)

• On Conspiratorial Thinking:
  “These guys, when you’re that wealthy, like, prostitutes are just porn for you.”—Unknown (06:39)

• On Modern Protest Culture:
  “It's just so ridiculous… it feels like performance art. Or are they actually just psych?”
  — Shane Gillis (32:46)

• On Social Media Hints from Wives:
  “That’s the most passive aggressive way you can tell someone you’re not as good as they want you to be.”
  — Joe List (77:16)

• On Masculinity & Home Improvement:
  “I tried to do all the shit myself. And then I hired an 80-year-old Greek man that came in with one arm, did the whole thing—perfect and beautiful. If you gave me a hundred years, it would look horrible.” —Joe List (48:13)

• On Public Hygiene Apathy:
  “I have OCD that makes me want to punch people while I'm walking by them. I don't wash my hands, I guess.”
  — Shane Gillis (66:24)
  “Piss on the socks is like, hey…”
  —Shane Gillis (66:38)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Opening and OCD/Intrusive Thoughts: 00:00–03:33
• Tourette’s, Barriers, and Humor: 00:58–02:16
• Prince Andrew, Royals, and Punishment Fantasies: 04:03–08:16
• The Hedonic Treadmill Explained: 07:09–08:16
• Epstein Conspiracies and ‘Lemonade’: 15:41–24:34
• AI and Trends in Stand-Up: 25:14–26:49
• Jewish Identity and Protest Comedy: 27:03–36:01
• Domestic Life, DIY Failures, Trades: 44:51–50:16
• Masturbation Mishaps and Family Oversharing: 61:03–75:19
• Marriage, Parenting, and Passive-Aggressive Communication: 75:24–77:54
• Aging, Falling, and Embarrassing Public Moments: 78:11–84:05

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Tone & Style

• Unfilterered, brash, and relentlessly self-deprecating
• Blends sharp insight with absurd, sometimes dark, humor
• Unafraid of TMI, gross-out stories, or societal taboos
• Relentless riffing—jokes escalate, circle back, and sometimes (intentionally) go too far

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Summary

Ep 600 is peak Matt and Shane: hilarious, raw, and occasionally thoughtful, with Joe and Steve’s chemistry enriching the already electric party. Obsessed with the impossibility of satisfaction (the “hedonic treadmill”), they skip from global conspiracies to the everyday humiliations of aging men trying to stay afloat in a world that’s getting wilder and more surveilled. It’s simultaneously smart, stupid, and always deeply funny.

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For more: Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast on Spotify and follow the guests on their respective comedy tour dates.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Joe]

Wow.

[Shane]

Wes now with the Spurs, Austin's team. I saw a billboard. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to start. I thought we were.

[Unknown Guest]

No, that's fine.

[Joe]

To their last two games.

[Unknown Guest]

Austin's, I think, trying to take the Spurs, San Antonio, which is. That'd be pretty sad.

[Joe]

What, is their lease up on a stadium or something? Or is it.

[Unknown Guest]

I think it's just. I don't know, I think they're. I think they're gonna try to merge Austin and San Antonio. Like Dallas, Fort Worth.

[Joe]

How far away? I'm not too familiar.

[Unknown Guest]

Hour and 10 minutes away. It's not far.

[Joe]

Mean they didn't. Yeah. Anaheim and LA have split. Yeah, they're not. They're different. It's gotta.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Same with Seattle and Tacoma.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So maybe San Antonio.

[Shane]

We were just ripping before this.

[Joe]

Minneapolis, St. Paul.

[Shane]

He gives the thumbs up and we're like, yeah, there's a lot of cities.

[Joe]

Oh, now we're recording for real. I do not know. We were fired up. Start again, dude.

[Shane]

Even Baltimore and D.C. are pretty close.

[Joe]

Minneapolis, St. Paul.

[Unknown Guest]

Baltimore, Timon.

[Joe]

Yeah, Baltimore, Timonia.

[Unknown Guest]

Before we started, you mentioned the guy with Tourette's at the bafta. Why would you go to the baftas with Tourette's?

[Joe]

He was nominated.

[Unknown Guest]

He was nominated.

[Joe]

I think he was a nominee or a former nominee or something like that.

[Shane]

It wasn't the guy presenting. It was a guy in the crowd.

[Joe]

In the crowd just yelling.

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Joe]

If the guy. Yes. The two people presenting were.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, I would.

[Unknown Guest]

If I had Tourette's, I would double up on my meds at the bath.

[Joe]

You have to hit it hard.

[Unknown Guest]

That's what they do. They. They just spaz and yell the worst thing.

[Shane]

Yeah, but is it always the N word with the Tourette's?

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Joe]

I feel like it's whatever you're hearing or like whatever is commonly spoken around you.

[Shane]

Like a parrot.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Unknown Guest]

Like. And then like, you know.

[Joe]

Yeah, that was great, dude.

[Shane]

That was great. I experienced it once at like a hotel lobby breakfast. Or not lobby. I don't know why I said lobby, but a hotel breakfast there. And there was a lady and they warned us she has. And that she was doing that, but it wasn't the N word.

[Joe]

Yeah, no. I've never had anyone at a show that has Tourette's. I don't think that's ever yelled anything out or. No, nothing like that.

[Matt McCusker]

No.

[Joe]

So I don't.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's probably late stage Tourette's. It probably start with like, damn, and then it goes to like, and then all the way. And then, like, stage. When you're like, stage four.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Aggressive Tourette's.

[Shane]

I do have that. I think this is like an OCD thing. Like when I'm at a funeral or something, where you just want to be like, kiss on her face. You know, you want to yell something.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Shane]

Different.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, but that's the barrier, dude. Imagine.

[Shane]

Or if I'm in a room full of black people, which I try to keep to the minimum, but, like, it does.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Come in your mind. Like, reasons. What if somehow I just yelled out the N word? Like it's in there.

[Unknown Guest]

I've heard of people having that same concern where it's like an act. Like, if you stand too close to the edge of a cliff, you're like, I could just jump off right now.

[Shane]

Yeah. I think that's ocd. Yes. I also have it with people. I have, like, a. Not a urge, but the thought of, like, blasting someone in the face as they're walking by.

[Joe]

Oh, really? Just physical violence.

[Shane]

But it's a secondary. It's a second of thought that could

[Joe]

be living in New York too long. I think that's a byproduct of that. I do the same thing with my. Like, I'm driving the left lane, driving families in the back, and I just like. Do you ever have a moment where you just, like. I could just rip it into the thing and flip everyone and do the whole thing, kill everybody.

[Unknown Guest]

But how does it feel? Like an urge is a question. That's one thing.

[Joe]

Not. Yeah, you. But you're like, oo, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it is.

[Joe]

You know, depending on how the vacation went or whatever. You know, just like, I'm done with this, dude. You don't press me. Do you understand? I have everything right here.

[Unknown Guest]

If you're fighting your wife with the kids in the car, just driving real fast and be like, it.

[Joe]

Yeah, I'm going.

[Shane]

You can reach her seat belt.

[Joe]

Just. Just unclick it and then just, like, jerk the wheel.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, dude, thank you guys for coming.

[Joe]

Dude, thanks for having me.

[Shane]

The no seat is. This is. I mean, this is.

[Unknown Guest]

Standing up is good.

[Joe]

Starting to spread out.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm telling you, it' just. It's all in your head. I think people think they're getting spoofed, but it's just. It's not spoof. It's just.

[Joe]

It really.

[Unknown Guest]

It's the future of podcasting.

[Joe]

No, I don't clear what we talking about.

[Unknown Guest]

How are we not in the future right now?

[Joe]

It does look, Tron. Like, it looks like we're doing. Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

We're going to take turns, like running as fast as we can around set. Did you guys. Is Prince Andrew. He's out of jail, right?

[Joe]

He got out. They picked him up for like five hours.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I was excited.

[Joe]

Well, I. I don't even think they picked him up for what they. What everyone thought they should pick him up for. Yeah, for like, political secrets or something like that.

[Unknown Guest]

I thought he was going to jail. That would have been crazy.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, dude, he'd been the first. He'd been the first prince arrested in like 400 years. And if he went to actual jail, that means people would be able to him a prince. That's crazy. Dude.

[Joe]

Do you think he would be in with Jen? Did they have, like, Jen pop over there? I think he would be a normal.

[Unknown Guest]

I think they would get into he probably in protective custody, but they would get into him.

[Joe]

Oh, well, yeah, they'd let them probably. It would be like a fun day for them.

[Unknown Guest]

It's a fairy tale.

[Joe]

We're good, guys. If you guys are good, we're gonna let the prince around tomorrow. So you guys can them.

[Shane]

The prince and the prisoner. I couldn't think of a name of a fake author.

[Unknown Guest]

That's perfect.

[Shane]

Thank you. If I could have said F. G. Tenenbaum, it would have been.

[Unknown Guest]

I feel like princes should get, like, their hands chopped off instead of going to jail.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It's something unfitting about a prince in, like, common jail.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Their dicks off.

[Unknown Guest]

Dicks would be nice.

[Joe]

Dicks off. Unique. Make him a eunuch.

[Shane]

I didn't follow too close. He kids, right.

[Joe]

He's like one of the top suspect.

[Unknown Guest]

I think he's like, top.

[Joe]

He's. He. There's pictures, email. There's like, not a thing that they found that didn't have his fingerprints all over.

[Unknown Guest]

The royal family stripped him of his titles, which leads me to believe that they can probably see the unredacted stuff.

[Joe]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

So, yeah, they did it before that. They stripped him of all of his, like, princely duke status or whatever.

[Joe]

Is there still a way he could become king? King, like lineage, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, it would be like, if his brother dies, like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Then is he the king or the. Or the. Is the younger? Is the oldest son the king? How does that work?

[Unknown Guest]

Great question.

[Joe]

Because, like, now you got to start looking for. He's gonna kill his brother. He's just like, I'm gonna go to jail for pedophilia or I kill my brother. And I'm the king, and this whole thing goes away.

[Unknown Guest]

That's not a bad idea, actually. That's his only play, right?

[Joe]

That's his movie.

[Unknown Guest]

That's.

[Joe]

That's a movie.

[Unknown Guest]

That's his move, though. Yes.

[Joe]

That's what he has, brother. Unless he knows it goes otherwise, he's got to kill his brother and then his. His nephew and then, you know, and

[Unknown Guest]

then fire cannon at the citizens. That'd be the last thing when they storm the castle. You'd have to fire upon them to calm them down.

[Shane]

Why not draw little dicks on a. Boys or girls?

[Joe]

Girls, I think.

[Shane]

Okay. I think that's not so bad. At least he's not queer.

[Joe]

He's not a queer king. Jeez, I don't need no queer king.

[Shane]

What's the big whoop?

[Joe]

I guess. Yeah, I don't.

[Unknown Guest]

I think those guys, too, like, when you're that wealthy, like, prostitutes are just porn for you, right? So it's like, you don't watch, like, pornhub probably. You probably just get hookers, and then you get sick of those kind of hookers. They. They do, like, porn genres in real life.

[Joe]

Yeah. Although I think only fans probably would have been his favorite thing if he had not, because you can get very specific on that.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

And so therefore, he'd be like, all right, I can kind of scratch this itch really well with what I'm finding here. Maybe I don't need to go out into the real world and fucking do horrible things to, you know, real people.

[Shane]

But I think it's the hedonic treadmill, if I may. It's just you.

[Joe]

What's it that. I don't even know what that means. Enlighten us.

[Shane]

Well, you know, you get used to stuff. So, like, you buy a big house, and you're like, I finally got this big. You have a huge house, a beautiful house. Probably every once in a while you're like, but I could use a screening.

[Joe]

I need. Yeah, I need a golf simulator.

[Shane]

You got to keep getting all the stuff. And so that's the same with sex, I think.

[Unknown Guest]

You're a butler, and you go, this butler's nice, but I wish. I kind of.

[Joe]

I need a whole staff forever. Yeah.

[Shane]

Which I had a boy. Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I want a whole knife. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Nice. But what about a. You know, a guy I could have.

[Shane]

There's no satisf. I mean, even in my marriage, every time we have sex now, I'm like, pretend I'm my Uncle Doug.

[Joe]

Yeah. Cranking it up a little bit. Yeah. Taking it up a little.

[Unknown Guest]

Probably due to like EEG habituation. Actually, your brain waves.

[Joe]

Well, I'm learning, so. Dude, this is great for me. Like learning about treadmills and EEGs or

[Unknown Guest]

your brain waves just like, they get. They get used to like, if you see like, say the first time you see a naked lady, you're like, like, it's like that your brain waves go dopamine. Yeah. Over time they just kind of come down to like, whatever.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

So you got to constantly be.

[Joe]

I still see a naked lady. I'm like, fired up, dude.

[Shane]

Right there.

[Joe]

Oh, hey, though, I look at that. I love it. I love it, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

But fired up as like a 14 year old boy.

[Joe]

No. I got two sons that are like, if they saw a naked lady, it's like, it's over. I got to go to my room. I got to take a shower.

[Shane]

Well, it's crazy when you're like 14, you can just get a heart sitting thinking.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You don't even look at anything. I could just be like.

[Joe]

But it's crazy to me. This generation, my. My son, 17 and 13, they wear all. They never wear jeans anymore. They always wear sweatpants. So I mean, like, boners and sweatpants are the most embarrassing things for me growing up. Like get. You'd have to tuck it under the. The band, like jeans. You had a little more thickness, you could hide it. But like now it's like, no.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I went to school. We had like one day out of the week. We had to wear our gym uniforms.

[Joe]

Yes. Me too.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it was just. You were in class and it was.

[Joe]

Yeah, you like, dude, this is just. These sweatpants are not. Not doing it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I would get hard like clockwork before recess. Recess was like 10:23 at like 10:18. I would get a rager every time.

[Shane]

We started recording it right around 10:23. I don't.

[Unknown Guest]

I turned 40, so I like my boner. I gotta like really budget my boners now.

[Joe]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I can't be wasting them on like jerking off anymore. I gotta save them up.

[Shane]

I feel similarly similar.

[Joe]

Yeah. I'm still a little bit of an animal. I don't know why.

[Unknown Guest]

Dude, it just came for me, man. I was, I was.

[Joe]

Maybe it'll happen.

[Unknown Guest]

So confident. Get bricked up, no problem. Now, like, I'll get bricked up, but I can't be out here fapping, you know, I got to save it all up.

[Shane]

Every weekend I save up because my wife and I, we have sex pretty frequently. So when I go on the Road, now, I don't jerk off, so I can really.

[Joe]

I. I've done that a couple weekends, too. It feels good when you come home, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

You're like, wow, it feels amaz. And there's something about leaving hotel room and not having this, like, disgusting crystallized towel for the staff to deal with. I know when you leave a room clean, you're like, dude, I'm.

[Joe]

You know, unfortunately, this is not one of those weekends for me. This is.

[Shane]

You're never in a hotel.

[Joe]

Yeah, I'm in a condo, dude. I'm in a condo that someone else, Andrew Dice Clay, is going to stay in next weekend. You know, dude, who knows? But, yeah, I. I try. You feel good when you come home and you don't. Yeah, when you, like, you feel like. Like a real. Like, I provided, I went out, I made money, I kept clean, I kept all. Everything inside of me, and I'm getting to give it all to you right now.

[Unknown Guest]

That's what it's all about.

[Shane]

And supposedly that's. Retention is healthy. That's what I've heard. It's one of these.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I always hear it is.

[Joe]

But then you always hear you have to come, like, 30 times a month for prostate purposes.

[Unknown Guest]

That's the. That's the problem.

[Shane]

Jesus.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. They say you guys do it like a. Say. They say, like, if you don't do it enough. Well, if you don't. If you don't retain. They say you just, like, drain all of your, like, you know, minerals out of your body because apparently semen's, like,

[Joe]

very nutrient dense, and you have to keep that in.

[Unknown Guest]

That's what they say. But then they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, or, yeah, just recycle it. But they. They said that if you. Then if you don't come enough, you get prostate cancer. They're saying. So.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know, man.

[Joe]

I. I am.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know what to do.

[Joe]

Yeah, I haven't got any of that stuff checked yet, and I should. I'm going to. Supposed to get a colonoscopy on Thursday.

[Unknown Guest]

Really?

[Joe]

Yes, my first one, but I'm.

[Shane]

How old are you?

[Joe]

49. I'll be 49 in July.

[Unknown Guest]

Whoa. I thought you're supposed to get them earlier.

[Joe]

Yeah, I know.

[Unknown Guest]

He's been holding it off.

[Joe]

Yeah. And now everybody's dying. Eric Dane died, and the other guy died. So I'm like, this has got to get done.

[Unknown Guest]

And that's an easy one to treat, apparently.

[Shane]

Yeah, you gotta go pour a little out for old jvb.

[Unknown Guest]

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[Shane]

No, I should go. My grandmother had it. And I eat nothing but, like, French fries and burgers.

[Joe]

And I used to get colonics. That's used to. They stick a tube up your ass. It's like the same thing as a. And they shoot water up there, and it cleans out. Like, you see the other stuff come out. Like French fries.

[Unknown Guest]

How does that work, though? Is that like the same way when you clean a fish tank that you create like a vacuum?

[Joe]

Yep, exactly. So what they do is, like, you literally. It's like two tubes going in, and then one pushes the water and the. And it just like, it's like. And the other one shoots it out.

[Shane]

I don't know that this is healthy.

[Joe]

It was happening all the time in the, like, the early 2000s. Everybody was getting colonics to lose weight, right?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, apparently. Apparently there's a bunch of just like inside.

[Joe]

Yeah, there was like, full. I used to like, full, like, half eaten French fries, which would come down. I swear to God. Like, stuff that you could see what it was. The food that you ate. Totally disgusting.

[Unknown Guest]

Only turn into, like, probiotics, though.

[Joe]

Yes. And then you got to eat probiotics. You take pills because there's good. You Know, bacteria and bad. But, like, you feel.

[Unknown Guest]

Is it like. I know people did. I always assumed it was kink.

[Joe]

No, no, no. I don't think so. Like, people would tell me I was going to die if I didn't get it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I know.

[Joe]

I remember, like, you eat terribly. You should definitely get the. Like, I was. I was, like, hanging out with a lot of actors, and so they were, like, all getting colonics, right? No, comedian friends of mine got colonics,

[Shane]

but now it's like, fasting is like the new colonic.

[Joe]

Oh, like, yeah.

[Shane]

48 hours.

[Joe]

48 hours?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Have you ever done anything?

[Shane]

I've done 24 hours for fun, like, as a gag. Like, 20, like, 10 years ago. But now Louis Gomez is a guy that's like, sorry. He's like,

[Joe]

easy.

[Shane]

He's like, eating every other day and. Which to me is like an eating disorder.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like, I eat three times a week. I'm like, yeah, you have an eating disorder. Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, you know, you feel good, though. I. I did a four day fast one time.

[Joe]

Four days?

[Unknown Guest]

Four days.

[Joe]

For what purposes?

[Unknown Guest]

Just, it was like me and my brothers and cousins had a group tech, so we just all see who go the furthest. So my brother didn't drink water for, I think, 72 hours. He said his vision just got blurry. I thought I was gonna die.

[Joe]

Wait, you're. But you're. That's. You're supposed to drink water, right? During a fast.

[Unknown Guest]

There's a whole other thing called dry fasting where they're saying if you, like, if you don't put any water in your system for. You can do it for, like, two days, and your body just, like, I don't know, flushes shit out. I don't know how it works, really.

[Joe]

I thought you just become, like, dehydrated and.

[Unknown Guest]

I did one day. It was no problem. I did four days. I would say two is a sweet spot for by the fourth day, you just feel, like, decrepit. But I was, like, working out and stuff. Fasted and, like, you really don't need as much food as I think.

[Joe]

People say I could drink lemonade for three days in a row. Just lemonade?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that. That would count.

[Joe]

I've done that. I think I've done that before. With no water in between. Straight lemonade for.

[Unknown Guest]

That would count.

[Shane]

Did you see the Seinfeld Epstein email?

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Joe]

No way.

[Shane]

It was like. I believe. I don't know if you can. If we can look it up, but it was like Jer, Jerry and Jessica coming over. They Want lemonade. And I believe lemonade was in quotes. I could be wrong about that. But it definitely said they need lemonade.

[Unknown Guest]

Really?

[Joe]

I didn't know he was in it, too.

[Shane]

Yeah, well, he wants to get pissed on, I think. Lemonade.

[Joe]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know.

[Joe]

That's one thing.

[Shane]

I don't know. I don't. I'm not even one of these guys.

[Unknown Guest]

No, that's.

[Joe]

But I mean, wouldn't that. That would be amazing if Jerry.

[Unknown Guest]

So why would you air quote the secret term, though?

[Joe]

Because he doesn't. I mean, it's Jerry Seinfeld who wants.

[Shane]

But I don't think he was sending it. Did you find it?

[Unknown Guest]

Yes. It says Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld are going to be sailing. Can I organize for them to come

[Joe]

to the island for lemonade? It is lemonade.

[Unknown Guest]

Quotes.

[Shane]

All right, I made up the quotes.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Joe]

Maybe Jerry just doesn't drink. And he's like, all right, he'll have lemonade.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Joe]

That's totally fair. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

You want some lemonade? Hanging out with pedophile. You know, Thirsty.

[Joe]

I know. This guy must have had the greatest, though. Like, boats and, like, planes. That's what you have to go with now if you were.

[Unknown Guest]

That.

[Joe]

That's your only connection. Be like, it.

[Unknown Guest]

Kids, too.

[Joe]

Yeah. I mean. Yes. You got to steer away from anything that's cool about kids. You just got to be like, he had a great plane. He had the best boats.

[Unknown Guest]

The question is. Is, like, when was the email sent? Because there's the pre. Conviction and then there's.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah. There are people like the guy on. Oh, that's after.

[Shane]

That's years.

[Joe]

2009 was the conviction, I think, right.

[Shane]

Earlier. Yeah.

[Joe]

Eight.

[Unknown Guest]

2008. Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah. And there's plenty of guys that are going back and forth after that.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, plenty. Because I think the. The conviction was sealed. They. They did, like, a sealed thing. So, like, everyone named in the case, it was, like, buried. And he just got, like, you know, soliciting an underage process.

[Joe]

Did he do time? Did he go to jail? I thought I saw a mug shot.

[Unknown Guest]

I think he just did house arrest. That's why he was stuck in New York City.

[Joe]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

And that's when people started, like, would still come, and Bill Gates went and got, you know, fundraised from Jeffrey Epstein. That was the weird one when it was like, I was just looking for money. So, dude, you're a billionaire. Why would you need to talk to a pedophile about money?

[Matt McCusker]

Like, why?

[Unknown Guest]

Why? But who knows that's the other thing, too, though. The flip side of this is people just being like, yeah, guys, clearly a pedophile. Now he's in the email. Pedophile.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

There's something kind of up about that, honestly.

[Shane]

Yeah, no, it's not good. I mean, I'm friends with a lot of people that do a lot of things. I'm not really those things.

[Joe]

Yeah, you could be friends.

[Shane]

Going to name names.

[Joe]

Yeah, we all have friends that have done horrible things.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

But I don't know, man. Would you. Would you. If someone was a convicted pedophile, would you still?

[Joe]

Well, I mean, I know in a very. I don't want to. I mean.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, boy.

[Shane]

Just mark the timestamp now, just in case.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Text later.

[Joe]

But, like, Reap is in trouble. John Reap's in big trouble, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

Really?

[Joe]

Oh, yes, dude. He's going like. He's on house arrest now, I think. But, like, he was a good friend and, like, we hung out and you never knew, but, like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, but that's fair.

[Joe]

That's before and so. But yes, yes, the question is now. No, I did not Facebook message him after the.

[Unknown Guest]

Not gonna visit for lemonade.

[Joe]

No, no, dude, I want to go, bro. Let me come over for a glass of that cold, cold Lem. You know, you make it the Monster Energy.

[Unknown Guest]

Everybody knows White Monster, Zero Ultra, that's the og it kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing.

[Joe]

But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch. So if you've been living in the White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe,

[Unknown Guest]

and every single one is Zero Sugar.

[Joe]

Tap the banner to learn more. The best.

[Unknown Guest]

No, because I've been paranoid about. Because I don't think I've sent any horny emails to anybody. But now I'm like, bro, if I sent one to a pedophile, well, yeah, yeah, I'm done. Kiss it goodbye.

[Joe]

And you know they're gonna flip on you, dude. Yeah, kiss all this decadence goodbye. Yeah, they'll flip on you too, dude. You know, if they get in trouble, they'll be like, yeah, the pitot's gonna be like, Well, I talked to McCutsker

[Unknown Guest]

a lot, dude, that he did, where you send himself. He would send himself emails really incriminating about Epstein did. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe]

Oh, smart about it.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, but it's also, like, why is it.

[Joe]

Whoa, dude. No, dude, maybe we should change the topic.

[Shane]

This is really cool, dude.

[Joe]

I think it's fine. I think those are just allegations, not necessarily true.

[Shane]

That's a wrap. We got.

[Joe]

We gotta be careful about who we.

[Unknown Guest]

That's crazy.

[Joe]

Who we blaspheme on this podcast.

[Unknown Guest]

I know, man. That was. Yeah, it's. It's got, it's, it's got everyone, you know, it's a craze right now. It's like McCarthyism but just pedophiles. Yeah. Everyone's trying to figure out who's a pedophile right now.

[Shane]

Well, that was Metzger came in last night.

[Joe]

Oh.

[Unknown Guest]

Gave you the day.

[Joe]

I asked him a question of the night. One question I said is, was Nick Fuentes the head of the Proud Boys? And he was like, no. Then he broke it all down. It was like I sent him down some sort of spiral that he was like, what are you, an idiot? Like, I need to explain everything. Yeah, I understand a thing. He's talking.

[Unknown Guest]

You can do a good 45 minute talk.

[Joe]

Yes. And not. And like Brazilian jiu jitsu. You verbally, like, you're like, you're like, I gotta try to.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Or the worst squeeze out. You know, about like the medieval papal conspiracies. Right. And I'm like, no, no, no.

[Joe]

Yeah. Right away it's like, well, here's 30 seconds on that before I get into the next thing. You don't understand. You're like, what are you talking about? But I love him.

[Unknown Guest]

But it's holding is the worst when you. I feel like I disappoint him. He's like, you. You don't know about that.

[Joe]

But now I feel like, dude, he's right. He's been talking about.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

He's been trying to get someone to listen to this and now he's, you know, a lot of the shit's right.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know about the eating.

[Joe]

Chill now that's where I draw the line. Yeah, that's.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm not sure.

[Joe]

He tried to get me into that. And I was like, I can't do the eating. Like, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

What's the proof?

[Joe]

What's the proof that they did.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Really do children. Do you think they would taste good?

[Unknown Guest]

Well, if you look at it, veal tastes good. Every baby animal is the best tasting version of that animal.

[Joe]

I wish you didn't make the best.

[Unknown Guest]

I know.

[Joe]

That was the worst. I was like, I'm trying to go down the road of like, if you're going to eat another big person, like another cannibalism.

[Unknown Guest]

This thought disturbed me very badly. The other Night I was laying awake and I was thinking about lamb. I like eating lamb.

[Joe]

I do love lamb.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm like, why is it so. It's a baby. But it's so Parmesan. Yeah. Babies are the most delicious animals you can eat.

[Joe]

Yeah. Just caviar. Isn't that fish eggs?

[Unknown Guest]

It's an egg. Yeah. The baby, the tiniest of all, the most expensive. Yeah, dude.

[Joe]

And they're the best.

[Shane]

I have a two year old at my rental house.

[Joe]

You guys are going to fire up the grill. Let's see how this thing tastes. Nice, baby.

[Unknown Guest]

You could eat the meat of, like, a warrior's thigh for, like, religious purposes.

[Joe]

Yeah, that, you know. You know, that feels like after you

[Unknown Guest]

rip his heart down and throw it down the steps, you could eat a small sliver of his thigh.

[Joe]

But. But you know what, though? The eating of the babies makes so much more sense now because, like, progressives are, like, supposed to be, like, poshy people. And it seems I could just see them all slicing up a little piece and just tasting it and being, like,

[Unknown Guest]

delicious, you know, logging into my fitness pal.

[Joe]

Yeah. Like,

[Unknown Guest]

that's how they probably got caught. They're probably trying to upload the math.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Like, how many calories are in a baby's thumb? You know, whatever you're eating.

[Unknown Guest]

You think they suck the baby's thumb for a little bit?

[Joe]

Oh, God, man. I mean, it's terrible, but I never. Until you said the thing about how great little things taste.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Well, there's also the whole adrenochrome thing and, like, stem cell babies have a lot of stem cells. There could be, like, health.

[Joe]

I can't get on board with it. I cannot believe.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm not.

[Shane]

I'm not.

[Joe]

Like, it seems like you're trying to convince me.

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Shane]

Well, that makes more sense if you're killing a baby for the stem cells to refurbish yourself or whatever.

[Joe]

Yeah. Keep yourself.

[Shane]

And you're like, you might as well eat it.

[Joe]

Yeah. Why?

[Shane]

Motivation is the stem cell. And then eating it is sort of like its own.

[Joe]

I saw a video and they said they, like, they would impregnate ladies and have them, like, get abortions and they would eat the fetuses for all the stem cells so they can stay young.

[Shane]

Wow.

[Joe]

Wow. Picture of a baby, like, unredacted. I mean, the senders and recipients are redacted, but there's like, why are those people redacted? Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

That's insane.

[Joe]

Those are the people, but for some

[Unknown Guest]

reason, it's the baby.

[Joe]

The people that Ate the baby.

[Unknown Guest]

A lot of laws in doing that, apparently, according to Nick Bryan. Yeah, I can see that. Well, the million dollar question is if they get busted doing, like, hard, you know, satanic, you know, symbology, then that leads to maybe they worrying babies for ritual stuff. But if you look at the. There was a weird temple on the island, so it's like, why would you put that on there?

[Joe]

So, yeah. Does this end. Is it over now? Or you think it's like, underground now? Like, they have to go really underground?

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, it's. It's billionaires, man. Billionaires have so much money. It's like, that's, you know, it's one place they can probably be. Like, all right, let's switch it up. And I don't. Again, I don't. I'm with you. I don't know if they're eating babies. I don't want people. I don't know. I think, like, to assume, like, yeah, I knew they're eating babies.

[Joe]

It's the problem is that, like, they were right about some of the stuff that we were like, no way, dude. And now it's like, we got it. They're trying to get us over that baby eating bridge. And I don't know. I'm not.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, they practice cannibalism still in different parts of the world. So if you're like a global citizen, like these guys were, that's why the age of consent's not a real thing to them.

[Joe]

It's not shocking to them.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, because they're going, dude, I can just fly to Thailand and do this. So, like, if I have my own island and I'm. I'm going back and forth to Thailand, I might as well just.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Be a pedest on my island.

[Shane]

I gotta figure out how to make more money.

[Joe]

I know. Gonna get my punch up live.

[Unknown Guest]

Get that thing shot full of D. More crowd work. You got a crowd work?

[Joe]

I got a crowd. Work it up, dude. Get some vids out.

[Unknown Guest]

Dying on a baby.

[Shane]

I think that's dying, though. I think the crowd work's done.

[Unknown Guest]

I think so.

[Shane]

Feels like it.

[Joe]

Really?

[Shane]

I think so.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. What's the new. What's the new wave, though? That's the question.

[Shane]

Props.

[Unknown Guest]

Props.

[Joe]

Props.

[Unknown Guest]

Prop comedy. Prop comedy clips would be nice.

[Joe]

I've been doing the sora. You know that. The 3D. I mean, the. I like it just. You could make yourself do anything. I've been using that as promo. That's like people. And people hate it because they're, like, using AI or whatever. But they're easy, they're fun, they're stupid, and they're. You can literally put yourself in any situation in the world.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it's.

[Joe]

It's sick.

[Shane]

A baby, you know?

[Joe]

Maybe not. No, Sometimes. One time I was like, I was going to do a joke about my son wants abs or whatever, and I was like, maybe I'll animate, see if the joke works. And they were like, no, no, no, no nothing. No kids shirtless. Nothing like that. So there are parameters. But yeah, I've been. I've. Every video I make, I do, I go make me a ripped 50 year old man. And it's. It's seamless.

[Unknown Guest]

Dude, I get fooled. I look amazing. I do.

[Joe]

What?

[Unknown Guest]

You do one recently where you're skiing. Yeah, Jack. Yeah, I got. I was like, damn right. As easy as Jack.

[Joe]

I'm telling fool. Every time I see, I'm like, I know. Family members being like, what are you on trt? Like, what are you doing? People think it's real. It's so. It's amazing.

[Shane]

I've seen the one where you can make two people kiss. That's at Skag Fest. And I thought that was real. It was like Aaron Berg and.

[Joe]

Yep.

[Shane]

Lev fur.

[Joe]

You can make them kiss. Yeah.

[Shane]

And they're just making out. And I was like, what are you guys doing?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

They're like, ah, we're. It's Skank Fest. I was like, jesus, that's crazy. Like. And then you realize the real you comes out. I'm like, I'm not into this.

[Joe]

Yeah, that's not me.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, dude, me and. Me and Lemaire were in. Where is it? Salt Lake City in Boise, Idaho, this weekend. And, you know, I think we're in Boise. We're walking and we passed this bank called Zion Bank. We're just joking with each other. Be like, I wonder who owns, you know, that establishment? Just having a good laugh, innocent laugh with each other. And as we turned the corner, they were surrounded by Palestinian protesters. And I was like, damn, that must have sucked if you were a Jewish banker, because it was literally Friday, like 6pm weeks finally over TGIF and you come out to your mortal enemies.

[Joe]

Yeah, right there.

[Unknown Guest]

That would. That would. That would.

[Joe]

I know.

[Unknown Guest]

We were just thinking about that. Like, damn, that would stink, man.

[Joe]

On a Friday. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

You're just a Jewish man here.

[Joe]

Yeah. Damn it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. They're just holding up big billboards.

[Joe]

What were they there for?

[Unknown Guest]

Just because they hate protesting.

[Joe]

Protesting?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Just the country or is it real?

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't ask. I was like, this is none of my.

[Joe]

What are you guys into? What's your. What's your real beach? Break it down for me.

[Unknown Guest]

I had a show to do, man. As you know, it's none of my business, but I walked past. I was like, damn, this does not seem. It doesn't seem like a pleasant thing to walk out to.

[Shane]

No, that would be a bummer.

[Joe]

Yeah, it also. It's just. Yeah. A banker. I walked around when the whole thing was going on originally with. October 7th with Ari. We were on a tour. We went to some colleges, and they were protesting there.

[Shane]

Oh.

[Joe]

And he would just walk around and. With people just like. He was very. He didn't take it, obviously, seriously, but, like, I felt bad. I was like, dude, we shouldn't be here right now. Like, you like. Like, they're like. They're. They're swastikas around. Like, they're like. They were getting hardcore.

[Unknown Guest]

Damn.

[Joe]

Yeah. And he was. You know, he. You know, Ari. But, like, I was. I was like, oof. This is. This feels horrific.

[Unknown Guest]

There were swastikas on the car.

[Joe]

I mean, they were like. Yeah. I mean, they went all the way, dude. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Were they the college kids or are

[Joe]

they just like college kids and then like, you know, sort of like, whatever. The people that come to protest with them or whatever.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

But, yeah, it was like, dang.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't know they're robbing. I know that it was that bad.

[Joe]

Oh, it was horrible, dude.

[Shane]

I went to college campuses one time. We remember Michael Sam, the football player from Missouri.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I was in. Where's Mizzou, Columbia or Columbus. I always forget.

[Joe]

Oh, the Columbia.

[Shane]

Columbia. Columbia, Missouri. So I was doing the club in Columbia, and this is like, right as his time and the Westboro Baptist Church people, which I had never heard of. The Westboro Baptist. That's the. Am I saying that right? Yeah. I thought these were just, like, community people, but they were all protesting, and it was like, go home, home. Oh, and all this stuff.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And, you know, I was a good, progressive guy. I was like. I was at Tommy John again. I was like, drive by there. I'm going to give him a what's for? And so I was, like, leaning out the window and I was like, you, you bigot. And I just yelled, hello, you, hello. Because I couldn't think. That was, like, the most. But I realized as we, like, they probably think I'm on their side.

[Matt McCusker]

Hello.

[Unknown Guest]

Hello.

[Shane]

Like, I couldn't. Damn it. I was trying to hurt them.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Shane]

But I'm like, I don't know if we could say that on this.

[Unknown Guest]

No, that's. I still. That's, like my level 10 angry. If I get very angry, it just flies out of me. I'm, like, arguing with strangers, usually from my car. That's.

[Shane]

Unfortunately, it's much better than the N word.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I would like to think so.

[Joe]

Yeah. So, yeah, we're the good guys.

[Unknown Guest]

I like to think so.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

The dad will. You can rattle one of those out of me if you get me angry enough.

[Shane]

Yeah. But it was. It was definitely. I remember sitting back in the car being like, oh, that wasn't great.

[Joe]

Not my finest moment right there.

[Shane]

But also, I think, like, the West Bar.

[Unknown Guest]

Are they still around, those guys in Philly? We would see him all the time near where we were living, and we would go down just to kind of watch them do their thing. Those dudes just rip.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

They'll start roasting you if you. If they. If you're standing. They get, like, the sense that you're kind of, like, laughing at them. They'll just zero in on you and be like, you nice hat, you piece of. They'll, like, come at you.

[Joe]

Really? Yeah, they get, like.

[Unknown Guest]

Specifically, he got. Me and Shane were standing there years ago, and he was like, notre Dame sucks. And he just kept talking. It was literally, ironically.

[Shane]

They're similar to black people.

[Joe]

Yeah. They like to roast. They like to rip on people.

[Shane]

Look at these pants. You guys got a lot. Come on.

[Joe]

Why don't you just roast each other?

[Shane]

Yeah, they should have them on. We got the podium.

[Joe]

You got the podium right here.

[Unknown Guest]

It'd be nice. I like to have West Barrow and West. Whatever it's called. And Black Israelite, they'd be.

[Joe]

Huh.

[Unknown Guest]

Good guys.

[Joe]

I feel like I'm shaking this.

[Unknown Guest]

It's okay.

[Shane]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I feel like they'd be a nice match because they are essentially the same beings, like, same thing.

[Joe]

Yeah. I mean, they're like. They're passionate.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

They're both passionate.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I would say that. Yeah. They're also, like. It's like. It's like. Like, religious edge. Lord. It's like. They're like. That's, like, to the max.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Just being like, yeah, I don't accept homosexuality. Then you just scream faggot at people.

[Joe]

Do they fly, like. Do they fly, like, together to, like.

[Shane]

They got to say.

[Joe]

That's what I'm wondering. Like, do they, like, have, like, what. Do they all go, like, if something happens in Cleveland, do they all fly to Cleveland to protest?

[Unknown Guest]

There's, like, Local.

[Joe]

There's local chapters.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe]

I've never seen a Westboro chap anywhere I've been, but, I mean, I've never

[Unknown Guest]

seen people out on a plane. I think they're foot travel, primarily.

[Joe]

Foot.

[Unknown Guest]

Or

[Shane]

travel.

[Joe]

Yeah, or train. They could take a train.

[Unknown Guest]

I never seen them on a train.

[Joe]

Yeah, that's true.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I think. I. I don't know. That's just the air thing.

[Joe]

Okay. Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, we're fine.

[Joe]

We're going to narrate. Changing topic again. Yeah, enough with that. They can travel however they like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. No, I never. Yeah, those scream. Scream political guys are nice. I like them.

[Joe]

There's something about them that is kind

[Unknown Guest]

of fun, and it's just so ridiculous,

[Shane]

but it feels like. Like. What's that word? Theater? Like, what's that thing called that people, like, they do out in the street? Performance. It feels like performance art. Or they actually just psych.

[Joe]

Like, how. That's what I was saying. How into that. Like, if it's. If it's not something that really hits them. Like, I guess all these issues hit them hard of, like, these gays are getting married or what?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Like, do they give it their all every time they go, or is it just sort of. They. You know, you phone it in after a while. Like, this is what.

[Unknown Guest]

Seems like he was kind of phoned in a little bit. He was doing the thing, but it didn't. It didn't seem like he was. You see, the guys before in Vegas are like, you're going to hell.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

He seemed like he was just kind

[Joe]

of like, dialing it in.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Yeah. Torturing people.

[Shane]

You're probably going to hell, but if you don't, that's fine. It's cool.

[Joe]

Yeah. This guy's an idiot.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

No, he was. He was definitely. He was ripping. But. Yeah. Dude, I. We were in Salt Lake this weekend. I didn't know there was a theater that's no alcohol.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Completely dry theater. It was fun, but I was like, I've never seen that before.

[Joe]

Could you drink?

[Unknown Guest]

I don't really drink.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

So.

[Joe]

Yeah, but it was, like, an option if you wanted to or whatever.

[Unknown Guest]

No, you couldn't.

[Joe]

No, you couldn't.

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Joe]

Not say the audience.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I wanted to, but the whole audience. No bar service, nothing weird.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And you didn't know that before I.

[Unknown Guest]

The day I got there.

[Joe]

How do they make money?

[Unknown Guest]

The door.

[Joe]

The door. But I mean, you got to get some of that. But I mean, like, where's. Where's their concessions?

[Unknown Guest]

They hurt me.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

But no, it was, you know, I don't know. That's what I was trying to figure out, like, what the fuck.

[Joe]

It was corn, you know, I think they did so much.

[Shane]

Keep it going.

[Joe]

Keeping the mill run. That's crazy. No alcohol.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know, I almost. I've been thinking too, Like, I think they. I think we should do something now where it's like, you know, we have rehab, but we should have like a. Almost like an all inclusive thing for alcoholics to relapse within. You know what I'm saying? Like, if you're like, I'm getting the itch and I can't stop it, it's like, all right, you got to go to. It's like the opposite of rehab where you just rage for like a month.

[Shane]

Hey, that's not bad.

[Unknown Guest]

It's not a bad idea.

[Shane]

But they're not out. They're, like, contained.

[Unknown Guest]

You're contained?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Everyone they got. You got people that can, like, pull you, put you to sleep, but you get to just for, like, get it out of your system.

[Shane]

Pretty interesting because there's no. No phone. You can't text the ex. You can't go cheat.

[Unknown Guest]

So it's like, yeah, totally clinical, but you would still put like, Margaritaville.

[Joe]

Okay. But yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna feel the old feelings. You're gon old thr that joy back,

[Unknown Guest]

come visit you smack them.

[Joe]

What's that last week when you got to wean him back off and get him back into, like, send him back home into re. That's going to be. That's the tough part.

[Unknown Guest]

You could stage like a. Like a. You know, like, Like a vehicular mass.

[Joe]

Like, you're outside of Cabo Wobble, and all of a sudden three hookers just slit your throat. You're like, wait a minute, wait a minute, hold on, hold on. Like, take it back. Heck, I'm good. I'm gonna dial it down, start to bring it down. No more lines.

[Shane]

This could be something. This could be your ticket to billionaire.

[Joe]

Yeah. And this is. You're like an expert. So.

[Shane]

Yeah, I mean, like, something of that. I could be. What do you call it?

[Joe]

A test case.

[Shane]

A consultant. That was like. Did I just say a crazy word? I didn't know everyone stopped.

[Joe]

I was waiting for the word you're going to say.

[Shane]

I was like, cities.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, you can keep them right next to rehab. So it's just like, hey, man, a or. Yeah, A or B, Just have it out and you get tired, come over here. And then eventually, I think People might be like, I'm just going to stay over here.

[Joe]

But I think that only works for people who have been sober for a while and then just want to. Are feeling it again. I don't think to get sober. You just send them back to like, this is the last stand. Like, this is going to be your last. Yeah, the last ride beginning.

[Unknown Guest]

Guys, you couldn't give them like an all inclusive.

[Joe]

No. Because they're gonna be like, no, this is the. We're never leaving. We're taking it over.

[Unknown Guest]

True.

[Joe]

You know, we'll, we'll.

[Unknown Guest]

You have to limit people. Their insurance will run out. And you guys like, all right, you're done.

[Joe]

It's true. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Insurance is right now.

[Joe]

Sorry, dude, your HMO sucks. You gotta go.

[Unknown Guest]

You go drink wine in the street.

[Shane]

I just like anytime someone's thinking outside the box, coming up with new things.

[Joe]

So.

[Shane]

Yeah, I appreciate the idea.

[Unknown Guest]

I think it'd be cool.

[Joe]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[Shane]

I think there should be gyms at the airport. You got delays.

[Unknown Guest]

I think RFK is trying to do that.

[Shane]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, he's trying to make the airports healthier. He's trying to like change the shitty food.

[Joe]

Yeah, but he's so.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, you do it.

[Joe]

We lost already. When they put massage places in before they put gyms. Like, if you're gonna choose between just laying down and getting a nice massage or taking a nap or going to the gym, I think most people are gonna go take that nap.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't see people hit massages at all in the air. I've seen the tables. I've seen maybe like two people actually get.

[Joe]

Really? Yeah, I see people in there all the time. Those little chairs. Yeah. I mean, in the afternoon and stuff. Not early mornings, but like in the

[Shane]

afternoon sometimes it's a long travel day and you're like, I'd like to get some push ups in, but you look like a sociopath. Even if there was just a San Francisco airport has a yoga room, which is something.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

That's just a little bizarre to be doing yoga.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But let me like, let me knock out a few push ups.

[Joe]

Yeah, if you're gonna do that, I could walk the airport, get the legs going. Yeah, you're gonna start. You're gonna look like a psycho if you start doing pull ups and push ups or something like that. But I've seen people stretch, do full body, like, you know, yoga poses and stuff in the middle of like the areas and stuff.

[Unknown Guest]

People can't do it. I can. Maybe I can hit Like a hamstring. Like, touch my toe stretch. I can't do, like the downward. I couldn't do, like, downward dog or like.

[Joe]

No, but I can loosen up my hips. I would like that. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Well, my thing. This is one of the things I'm most jealous of people. The people that just aren't completely embarrassed to do things publicly.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like, I see people, like, doing yoga just in a public space.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You're like, in the park and I'm like, I feel like such a.

[Joe]

Everyone's looking at you right now. How could you not know that and be self conscious about that? Yeah, but it's a freedom they have. Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't have it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I think it's sleeping.

[Shane]

I think it's growing up in New England and then being a comedian. Well, it's everything I do. I'm like, standing family, like, what are you doing here?

[Joe]

Yeah. What the. Why are you trying to be different and comfortable?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

No, I have to pretend I don't like movies that I like. Yeah. My family.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm like. I. Foreign film. Yeah. I loved it.

[Joe]

My wife's family doesn't like.

[Unknown Guest]

She's.

[Joe]

They're part Jewish. They don't like Matt Damon from that. What was that movie where he. With bent. Brendan Frazier. School Ties. He, like. Because he was so real in that, as an anti Semite, that they were like, this guy's got it in him. This guy has, like, real hatred for Jews in him. Like, they have a real, like that total disconnect from reality that they believe it. That Matt Damon is an anti semi.

[Unknown Guest]

Wow.

[Joe]

Yeah. For real. So we all have to pretend that, like, Matt Damon's not cool.

[Shane]

They must really hate Ralph Fiennes.

[Joe]

I won an Oscar. Yeah, it's true.

[Shane]

He lost the Oscar to Tommy Lee Jones. I can feel people at home.

[Unknown Guest]

No, that's comment farming. That's good for engagement.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Joe]

Yeah, there you go. Diddy.

[Unknown Guest]

No, that's. I. That's crazy. I didn't know he had a movie where he was an anti Semite.

[Joe]

Yeah. School Ties.

[Shane]

Yeah. That was an early one.

[Joe]

Yep. Damn.

[Shane]

Possibly pretty goodwill hunting.

[Joe]

I think it was.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

I don't think you do goodwill hunting. Get nominated for Academy Award and then go. I'll play. I'll go play an anti semi.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, true. That's wild. It's wild. I wonder who produced that movie, School Ties.

[Joe]

I don't remember. Crazy.

[Shane]

If you just pulled out the producer of School.

[Joe]

Yeah,

[Shane]

it's good.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. That's because you never really see people he didn't win in any awards for that role.

[Joe]

No, it was like a small role.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Joe]

It was like he was like Jew hater number five, whatever. Like, that's like.

[Unknown Guest]

Really?

[Joe]

Yeah, he didn't even have a name. I don't think.

[Shane]

He's also encouraged under fire. He's real skinny in that one.

[Joe]

Oh, okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Also early, by the way, so someone just sent me a great goodwill hunting plot hole. And it was just a guy. It wasn't a guy with, like, social media. He had like, 40 followers. Yeah, but it's a great point.

[Joe]

The one about you say you posted about it, right?

[Shane]

No, not. Not mine. I had my own.

[Joe]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, the car. Yeah.

[Shane]

That one that people post. But the scene, you know the movie, right? Yeah, yeah, the famous scene of, like, how you like me now. And he. You know, Ben Affleck or Matt Damon's. Yeah, Ben Affleck's talking to the guy and then he's like, is. He makes Ben Affleck look stupid? And then Matt Damon comes and makes him look stupid. And then the guy's like, yeah, well, your kids will be. You'll be serving my kids French fries. Why does he assume Matt Damon doesn't go to Harvard? Also, he knows nothing about him. They're at a Harvard bar. Matt Damon just, like, dunked on him.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

He proves he's, like, an absolute genius. And the guy's like, well, you'll be working at fucking Burger King.

[Joe]

Yeah. Why doesn't.

[Shane]

He doesn't seem like he doesn't know what we know.

[Joe]

Yeah. Yes. Maybe just the accent I get. Well, yeah, the horrible Southie accent. I mean, I guess. Yeah.

[Shane]

But, like, the Kennedys have accents. They're smart.

[Joe]

Okay, all right, all right.

[Unknown Guest]

So this.

[Shane]

You know what I mean?

[Joe]

I mean, this is what we're here for with these podiums.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Joe]

All right.

[Shane]

Ladies, gentlemen, and. And gentlemen, this is a piece of bad writing.

[Unknown Guest]

So that was. That was the plot hole that they all, all of a sudden knew that he wasn't well.

[Joe]

Yeah, I mean, he's like.

[Shane]

Like, they're in a Harvard bar in Cambridge and this guy walks over and is, like, just rifling off all these.

[Joe]

Hold on. Didn't. Before that he asked him, who did you have for? Like, didn't he mention a teacher? Did they. They talk about, like, didn't you have this guy for. Or was it a book?

[Shane]

I think she's quoting a book to be.

[Joe]

You read this and that. Okay, so that.

[Unknown Guest]

What does that move? I've seen that movie. It was A long time ago. It's essentially about a guy who's white trash but is smart.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah. He's a janitor.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Shane]

He's like. He's a genius, and he works at

[Joe]

mit, I think it was.

[Shane]

Yeah, he cleans floors at mit. He's a genius, and he needs to be challenged. I mean, the whole movie's wonderful, but silly.

[Joe]

Yeah. I mean, like, their original. You know, the original script was like. They were like. They solved the problem because aliens were coming down and stuff like that. Oh, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It was really horrific.

[Joe]

Yeah. It was, like, really bad.

[Shane]

Well, there's rumors that people. Someone else kind of.

[Joe]

Well, yeah, I think, because they were. They were like, he. They went so far as, like, he had. He was the only person that could figure out the algorithm to set the thing off that was going to kill the rocket that was coming down to shoot up Earth or whatever.

[Shane]

It's like Armageddon.

[Joe]

Yeah. So I think they were going in that direction. That's also weird.

[Unknown Guest]

That's a weird fantasy. Like, it's a personality type that's like. There was this guy, and he was really smart, and only he knew the solution to the big problem and he saved everyone. It's. I've, like, heard people do that before. Yeah, well, I've never. That's never anything I've ever fantasized about.

[Joe]

It was way better the way it went, the way they chose to go.

[Shane]

Well, I think Louie had a bit about it, too. It's like Matt Damon wrote the movie, he stars the movie, and, like, it's like, he's like a badass who can fight and beat the shit out of anybody, but he's also really smart, but he's also cool.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And it's like, there's not. The guy has no flaw whatsoever in

[Joe]

the movie, but he's a piece of shit.

[Shane]

He, like, overcame everything, and he could fight, and he's cool and he's smart.

[Joe]

Yeah. But we got to feel bad for him and. Yeah, yeah. Because he can't get it together with the hot chick.

[Shane]

Whatever. I like that.

[Unknown Guest]

So that's the big thing.

[Joe]

Yeah. You know, because he was abused and all this stuff, and then that's how Robin Williams gets involved. He's the therapist.

[Unknown Guest]

Gotcha.

[Joe]

Just. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Is Ben Affleck in this movie?

[Joe]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

What is he?

[Joe]

So he's his best friend. I think that's the only way he might know that he's not from Harvard is because you wouldn't have a gorilla friend. Like, bet, like, Like, Ben Affleck coming over again, like. Like, nobody else else was like, hey, I, you know, from Harvard. Was like, going to interject the. Out of you.

[Shane]

Even if he doesn't go to Harvard, he's still clearly, like, a brilliant.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

He's like, yeah, you're right. He should have been like, why would I work at Burger King? I'm fucking.

[Joe]

You're absolutely right, Joe.

[Shane]

I mean, this is not my original point.

[Unknown Guest]

What was your plot hole that everyone.

[Joe]

I like yours.

[Shane]

My plot hole is they give him a car for his birthday. His 21st birthday, buy him a car. And then they're like, all right, we're not driving you around anymore. And then, like, two scenes later, they pick him up, which someone pointed out it could have been Saturday and they're going out to drink. But they weren't like us. This car's not here. Like, they're like, oh, he must be like. He's knocking on his door, being like, where could he be?

[Joe]

Like, how could he possibly not be home? Yeah, but a bit would be that his car is not here. And the one you just bought, that

[Unknown Guest]

seems like a bigger plot hole.

[Joe]

Thank you. I appreciate your problem.

[Shane]

That other guy.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, he's a dumbass, bro.

[Shane]

Yeah, he's never.

[Unknown Guest]

Be like, Goodwill, honey.

[Shane]

Sorry.

[Unknown Guest]

Remember, I had my whole family does, like, demolition. I remember when I started stand up, you know, I just stand up for a couple years. I met a bunch of comedians in Philly, and then I quit stand up to work in demolition. And I was walking home from work because I was, like, working in Philly, and I had to take the subway back to, like, where I lived, and I had, like, this. These, like, work overalls, and I was all dirty. And I came off and saw all my comedian friends. They're like, oh, man, where you been? I remember feeling so cool. Yeah, I'm just working out, guys. I just, like, I. It was such a good feeling.

[Joe]

Yeah, you feel like a productive member of society, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I felt more like Goodwill hunting. I felt like a misunderstood creative.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I remember being like, I'm a genius. Obviously, I gotta go work. It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy. I gotta work for my dad right now. I can't do comedy open mics with you guys right now. So it's pretty cool.

[Shane]

Yeah. I remember telling people, my uncles are plumbers, and I would go work with them, and then I would tell people, like, yeah, I do plumbing. And they're like, oh, but. Which is cool where I come from. Yeah, but I just was like, wrench. I'm like, there you go. Like, I didn't know how to plumber guy.

[Joe]

Hand out tools and get yelled at. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Just standing around like, I was a

[Unknown Guest]

helper guy, big time.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I was never. Anytime they were like, cut me a two by four. I needed 37, three quarters. I'd always be like, it's going to take me 20 minutes. I got it.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

There's so many lines that have to be like, all right, the quarter or like the eighth and sixteenths on a tape measure.

[Joe]

You're like, I try to rent out my own bathroom. Once I bought a condo. I was like, I'm gonna do it myself. Because at the demo part, that's fun.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Ripping out and throwing it away and stuff. But then like the plumbing part, it was like, I got it. I couldn't get it right. I had to actually call a real plumber.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

To come over and finish the whole thing. It cost me a ton of money and it sucked. And I was like, this is not fun. Like, I'm not. No, it sucks, dude. Like this. I'm never gonna get good at this. I don't want to get good at this. It's just. I'm gonna hire people. That's how it goes for the rest of my life.

[Shane]

Plumbers are gonna be. It'd be like if someone was like, yeah. I had a big corpor, wanted to do the stand up.

[Joe]

Yeah. I know.

[Shane]

I thought I was trying to do an hour, but way out of my life.

[Joe]

I did four minutes. Killed for four minutes hard.

[Unknown Guest]

Plumbing's the only trade I never, like, got to like, help out with or try to do.

[Joe]

I don't even know how water goes upstairs in my house. Like, how do you make that water go up? Yeah, I know. Like the pressure and salt pipes, I guess.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know. But. Yeah, but there's weird things water though. Like that. Yeah. How to get it to. I don't know.

[Joe]

My brother in law is an H VAC guy and he just knows everything. Like, he went, oh, really? Yeah. Like he. What the, bro? It's amazing.

[Unknown Guest]

Hold on.

[Joe]

That's amazing.

[Shane]

Hold on. Whoa.

[Joe]

This is friendship vibes. Right now.

[Shane]

We got our clip purple friendship vibes. Straight to the top, baby.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, no, I. I used to do house painting and like 80% of the customers are pregnant ladies that are about to have kids, you know, husband everything. Because they get that nesting instinct. They want to change the house around. So a huge percentage of the jobs the husband had tried to do it. It failed. And then we would come in to like fix it and it was just, it was really demoralizing. You see the guy in there and he'd be like, yeah, it's up there. And you walk in and she would

[Joe]

be like all half on the ceiling, all up.

[Unknown Guest]

And it would be like, better.

[Joe]

Tape is still on there.

[Shane]

I mean swastikas everywhere.

[Unknown Guest]

Using tape is kind. The guy my friend I worked for, he would call him Frog Tape Tape users. It was like shameful.

[Joe]

It was. I would frog tape the floor. I tried to do all the shipping my. Myself.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

And then you get. I. I hired an 80 year old Greek man that came in with like one arm, did the whole thing. He's. My wife wanted wallpaper on the ceiling. We have wallpaper on our ceiling.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Nobody would do it. This, this 80 year old Greek man did it in like an hour and a half and perfect and beautiful. I'm like, I couldn't. If you gave me a hundred years. No, it would, it would look horrible.

[Unknown Guest]

I feel like if you're using tape to paint, you should call someone else to paint for it.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Tape is like, it takes so long and the chances of you not bleeding through and just it up anyway, it's. Yeah.

[Joe]

No, I, I hire everything.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, so do I.

[Shane]

That's what real men do, I guess.

[Joe]

I mean, I feel like I. You know, you see your friends cutting their own lawns and, and they look really nice. Like my guy cuts my lawn on Thursday. Some Sunday Sundays. It's like sometimes it doesn't look great and I want to cut again but I can't because I don't have the skills.

[Shane]

I got another lawnmower. This is a little.

[Joe]

I mean I'm a lawnmower or the skills to do it.

[Unknown Guest]

But yeah, I mean it's. Yeah, I wouldn't. If you don't have to do it, I wouldn't do any of that stuff.

[Joe]

One time I got. When I first bought my house, I got a ride on lawnmower and it was, it was awesome. The guy left it and I was driving around. I didn't know how it worked. I remember I like, I would cut the whole grass. And then I realized at the end I never put the mower part down. I never put the blade down. I was just like a zamboni going up and down my driveway. Like I've been down my lawn like smoking a butt, like feeling like a man, dude. Pretty thick still, you know. Yeah. Just rode around with the pumpkin.

[Shane]

But a lawnmower, Lawnmower is just like a shopping cart.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You just hold it and. Yeah. Push it.

[Unknown Guest]

The. It depends on how. If you can get your lines neat, that's.

[Joe]

But then the edging, you know the edging. Yeah, all that stuff. Yeah. Buy the trimmer and then the blower stuff. Yeah. The weed whacking. They do it so well.

[Unknown Guest]

Weed whacking. Sick. I. I used to do lawn care and I being just the weed whacker guy. You hop out, someone mows, and you just get to walk and just go. Yeah, it's awesome.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

A lot.

[Shane]

You bought a lot of hats.

[Unknown Guest]

I did. I had. I've had many. I've had almost every type of job you can possibly have.

[Shane]

You're like the village People.

[Unknown Guest]

No. Yeah. I had a dog walking. Dog walking was cool.

[Joe]

Dog walk. I used to.

[Unknown Guest]

That was my favorite one.

[Joe]

I used to drive an old lady to dialysis three times a week. When I first moved to Los Angeles, she was probably 90 years old. And she Take her. But she was. She was funny, nice, you know, older lady from Brooklyn and. But she would, you know, dialysis is pretty crazy. Like.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It's intense.

[Joe]

So she would get. She would get like. She would get into my car and all of a sudden, like, she would rush and she would. And it start to bleed again. I'd have to drive her back and she was like, I'm embarrassed. And that I would take her to the store. She just wanted. Yeah. I was like, no, no. I'm like, I felt responsible for this lady. Come here.

[Matt McCusker]

Come here.

[Joe]

I would take her shopping. Dude. There was like, we. It was like Tuesdays with Mori. Her.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Like, we would spend all day together grocery shopping. She like buying, like, hair products and stuff. And she was like my grandmother. I would drive her around for like.

[Unknown Guest]

That's kind of nice. Pretty much home.

[Joe]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Absolutely. I was like. And I was not equipped to do this at all. I was. I was, you know, I was terrified of blood.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

And I. Death and death. And I was like, this lady. It was her. Her son was a manager. Like a big time manager in Hollywood. I would say that makes like this. I'm responsible. This lady dies on my thing. I'm. My career is over.

[Unknown Guest]

That's a good candidate, though, if you walk in for that job. Like, I don't fear death nor blood. I'd be like, all right.

[Joe]

Yeah. Thanks for your resume, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah. I want a little nervous Nelly in there, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

I fear neither death nor blood.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

This episode is brought to you by Prizepix okay, it's time to shoot your shot. Because with Prizepix, you get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. That's right. Prize Picks is now giving you $50 in lineups when you sign up and play your first $5. Every dunk, every dime, and every board is so much more exciting with Prizepix. So don't miss this chance to get started on America's number one app for sports picks. Discuss any past or upcoming sports events. Mention you can find mention you can find it on Prize Picks. I mean, guys, oh, man. Imagine if you were prize picking on the USA Hockey game when they won gold over, you know, one gold over the Canadians. I actually saw that. That was awesome. I watched it in the airport. Oh, that'd be so fun. I mean, there's NBA March Madness, UFC 326, Holloway versus Oliveira on March 7th. Wow. My face. My favorite Prize Picks feature right now. Let me think about this. I like how they put their users first. So all withdrawals are fast and secure. Prizepix accepts most major payment methods, making deposits into your account quick and easy this sports season. Download the Prizepix app today and use code drenched to get 50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code drenched to get 50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup. Price picks. It's good to be right.

[Matt McCusker]

What's up, guys? What's going on? I gotta handle some business right now. In terms of the live performances. I got my ticket counts right here. And honestly, we're not looking bad, but I do have to bring some of these shows to people's attention also. Look at my little boy here. Yeah, he's back in the cone. I hate to see it, but. But yeah, I mean, I took him to the vet and they. They said my ticket sales were so low in Indianapolis that they were thinking of cutting my dog's head off. And I was like, if I sell some more, would you. Would you not cut him up? Would you not cut his head off? And they're like, well, if you can get that thing up to 97 sold, we'll think about it. Otherwise, this cone, it's going to have blades come out of the side and, well, cut his head off. So hopefully we can avoid that. But yeah, sorry. I'm like filming at a weird angle because I took all my clothes off and then remembered I had a film video. So try my best not to show everybody my penis as I lay here. Poor guy. They're gonna Cut his damn head off, guys. You can catch me in Cleveland, Ohio, the 6th of March. I'll be at the CLEE. I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Both those sales are looking pretty strong, so we're pretty good there. But yeah, come on out. What else? We have St. Louis, Missouri, after that.

[Shane]

That's.

[Matt McCusker]

That's in March as well. I think the 26. I can't really. I'm looking at my computer sideways. It's kind of tough to really read it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Indianapolis. That's the big one. That's the one they're gonna cut this guy's head off of. I don't sell enough tickets, which I sure hope that doesn't happen, but, you know, if it does, I tried my best making this sweet promo in the arms of the angels. So. You like that, don't you? Yeah. So after that we have. This is just late night vibes, guys. If you don't like them, go to bed. After that, we have.

[Unknown Guest]

What do we have? St. Paul, Missouri.

[Matt McCusker]

What are the sales looking like? Oh, not bad. All right, that's. That's.

[Unknown Guest]

Guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Phoenix, Arizona. I'm doing the celebrity theater. Ticket sales are abysmal and the place is huge. Guys, come on. I mean, it's not till April 26, so I have time, but come on, man, let's get that up. Otherwise they're gonna. I really want to say it around this little poor guy. You see the condition. He's already on the chopping block for Indianapolis, buddy. But, man, if I don't sell out the celebrity theater. No, I don't want to say what they're going to do, but they're going to turn them into sausages. They're going to feed them to kids who don't have any food. So. Yeah, we don't want that. They're going to make dog sausages and give them to poor kids in the third world. Poor little guy. All right, what else do we have? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Go to Matt McCusker.com, please. This, by the way, this isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious business announcement. So just do it for him. If not for me, do it for this little guy. He's blind. Henry Paul did. All right, never mind. He's repau. Did.

[Unknown Guest]

Did you see that? Is Netflix has a show now where it's just last words from people? Or is that just like a one off thing?

[Joe]

Oh, because of Eric Dane?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Did you see that?

[Joe]

I saw it last night. I almost Watched it.

[Unknown Guest]

I was crying. It was. But my thing is, is that a show now where they're.

[Joe]

I don't know.

[Unknown Guest]

People give. I think it's a cool show.

[Shane]

What do they do? They talk into the camera.

[Unknown Guest]

He did a whole thing.

[Joe]

I thought he just did it.

[Shane]

Oh, wow.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's because they just said, maybe

[Joe]

he just did it. And then they were like, one last deal. They licensed it to Netflix to give a little money to. To the family or whatever.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't know if it was a new show. I was like, that's kind of a sick show idea to let people who are, like, about to die just be like, here's my thoughts on everything.

[Joe]

Or people that aren't. You're just like, I don't know when I could go. But if I. Let me just tell you something right now.

[Unknown Guest]

Kind of nice.

[Joe]

Update it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Your best monologue. It's. It's a tear jerker.

[Joe]

It's like a message to his daughter. To his daughter.

[Unknown Guest]

He's dying. It's very, very sweet. I watched it in the hotel room. I started crying.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It was very nice.

[Joe]

I. It's.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't know.

[Joe]

I mean, we're probably all around the same age. It's pretty. I'm like, damn, dude. Yeah, these are. This is us.

[Unknown Guest]

Yep.

[Joe]

You know, it's like, this is. These people are us, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

Yep.

[Joe]

Should you start recording last words?

[Shane]

Yeah. Jeez. All right.

[Matt McCusker]

Change the.

[Joe]

Change the color change. Yeah, yeah. There we go. All right. Jesus Christ.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I said the same thing about Epstein again. I looked and I was just like, first of all, I'm insecure. The fact that I think I'm going to start looking just like Epstein pretty soon. I've been seeing some pictures of him. I'm like, dude, I'm going to start.

[Joe]

Your hair gets a little wild, dude. And that tan. You got to get that tan a little more.

[Unknown Guest]

I know, man.

[Joe]

A little more rosacea.

[Unknown Guest]

I might get some work done too, to bring my chin out like his, but I think I'm going to work. I'm. That's been. Some guy was like, dude, you look just like Jeffrey. And I was like, bro, you hit my most raw nerve right now. I'm really worried I look like Epstein,

[Shane]

so I think you're all right.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You're better looking than him.

[Joe]

Kinder eyes. Thank you.

[Unknown Guest]

He does. He does have scary eyes. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I heard he had an egg shaped penis. Deposition in an egg shaped penis.

[Joe]

I feel like every deposition has the person's penis described in it. Like Everyone you hear about, it's like you're just going to. Well, you know, you heard. What was it?

[Unknown Guest]

Trump had? Trump.

[Joe]

Trump had his penis described in the description. Anyone with like a sexual something has a deposition of. About their penis.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's what I mean. That's like part of the proof to be like, what kind of dicks you have.

[Joe]

And yeah, you have to know.

[Shane]

Yeah, they take it out and they're like, that's it.

[Unknown Guest]

You fucking. Yeah, you def.

[Shane]

There it is.

[Joe]

It's just the dick in question.

[Unknown Guest]

They put a bunch of boners in the police lineup.

[Joe]

She's have to blindly feel each one. I'm gonna have to shove this one in my ass to see if it's the real deal, how it really feels. I'm gonna have to really get involved with this one. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Trump had. He apparently had that mushroom tip, like a massive, massive.

[Joe]

But that's the other thing. It's like these guys all have schmeckles. They never have like dongs, dude. They never have units. It's never like. And on top of. Of him being an unbelievable sexual predator. Yeah, he had a unit. It's like a big old unit, dude. He was probably pleasing a lot of these people. You know, I think you can hurt

[Shane]

the kids if you have.

[Joe]

I guess. Yeah. So it's perfect size. That's right.

[Shane]

Damage. You need a nice.

[Joe]

In my defense, your honor, my shit's tiny. So he's looking for a one car garage.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Hearing this makes me grateful about my dick. I feel like my dick is just a nice. It's not huge, but it's like. Yeah, straight and a nice big standard issue.

[Joe]

Pretty. That's it. The same way.

[Shane]

It would be hard to be like, oh, there's a. This wacky thing. Although I do have a bit of a thumbprint because I used to jerk off like this when I was a kid. So there's like a. A purple.

[Joe]

Wait, not grip.

[Shane]

No. When I was. For many years, I jerked off like this. Oh.

[Joe]

Like, don't touch the sides.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Okay.

[Shane]

Yeah. So I have. And I went to the sex clinic.

[Unknown Guest]

Why did you do that, though?

[Shane]

I don't know. That's just like how I started. I just kept going. It's like a batting stance.

[Joe]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

You're just like.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know. I just.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Comfortable. Yeah.

[Joe]

He goes over it. He. He does the old school wind up.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. You got to learn by yourself.

[Shane]

And I went to a sex clinic because I had a herpes. It's a whole thing. But the lady was like, what is. She was like Eastern European. She's like, what is this? Contusion from masturbation. And I had to be like, nailed it.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Joe]

God damn. You've seen a lot of dicks, lady. Yeah. Holy cow.

[Unknown Guest]

Like, why would this make it continue?

[Shane]

I think because it's a lot of pressure.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

As you're going. As you lose control, you probably lose control your grip strength. You're like, you're gonna feel.

[Shane]

This could also be cause causation. Like it cut. It might have been I started jerking off because it was already there. Like a birthmark.

[Joe]

Oh, maybe it felt good. It was like a sensitive spot for you. Yeah.

[Shane]

But I think it was a contusion for mess have been.

[Joe]

Oh God.

[Unknown Guest]

I believe. Oh, you thought that was like where, like, oh, this is where I jerk off. This is my starting point.

[Joe]

It's my handle. It's the grip.

[Unknown Guest]

I remember hearing that it curves you if you do one hand over the other. So I like switched up to my left.

[Joe]

I started doing western grip where I would go down, you know, like, like. Yeah, like down and.

[Unknown Guest]

And away.

[Joe]

Down and away.

[Unknown Guest]

You still do?

[Joe]

Yeah, no, not anymore. Not anymore. But yeah. When I was trying to switch it up once in a while.

[Unknown Guest]

Western grip.

[Shane]

I also Lou, I just. Nobody, nobody helped me.

[Unknown Guest]

No, there's no.

[Shane]

I know, I know I had no guidance.

[Joe]

I honestly, I. I think about that with my sons. I'm like, I know that they're do. They're definitely doing it but like are they doing it right? Maybe they could be contusioning themselves and I, you know, I feel responsible.

[Unknown Guest]

Send them their sex clinic. Go get them checked out.

[Joe]

I'm going to send him the clip of this, of the. We'll clip the of him and then just go, hey, just so you know. Yeah, the shit out we got this

[Shane]

and the brother in law thing, I think straight to the top.

[Unknown Guest]

I used to use blueberry hand soap soap as lubricant and it completely dried my ball sack out to where like the skin was falling off and peeling.

[Joe]

Didn't it burn when it got inside the tip?

[Unknown Guest]

I don't really recall. I don't think it ever burned me on the tip. I remember this first. My first folly was that the blueberry soap when I was younger, before I started using it to masturbate. I could have sworn the blueberry. Well, I thought it tasted good. So there was a part where you were blowing yourself? No, no, no, no, I was. I was actually. It was pretty Pretty big when I was eight. But the.

[Joe]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

I remember eating blueberry soap being like, if it smells good, it has to taste good. I pump blueberry soap in my mouth. I was like, ah. And then I started using it to jerk off so it can hand soap. No way.

[Shane]

When I first started jerking off, I didn't even jerk off. I just fucked the pillow. Like, I would be on the pillow

[Joe]

and fuck the pillow.

[Shane]

Humping. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Really?

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I. I started masturbating before I could even ejaculate. So I would stand up off the toilet and pee into the bathtub at the end and be like, I'm done.

[Shane]

Wow, you're a squirter.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

[Matt McCusker]

yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

My mom will be out.

[Joe]

Oh, my God.

[Unknown Guest]

Then I go, oh, yeah, baby.

[Shane]

Come on.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Work out the legs over here.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

No, dude, look.

[Joe]

Feel.

[Unknown Guest]

Look. See how we're.

[Joe]

We're. I know. I got sciatica, so I'm switching from side to side. Give it a little stretch.

[Unknown Guest]

If I sit my sciatica up.

[Joe]

Up.

[Shane]

Oh, really?

[Joe]

I cross my legs like a girl, so it loosens it up, like, you know, like this. So it kind of gets it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

You gotta do this.

[Joe]

That's how I. Yeah, that's how I loosen up my hips.

[Unknown Guest]

What do you do on an airplane? How do you get comfortable?

[Joe]

Well, they've. They moved me up to a middle seat. They upgraded me to a. I hate. I'm the aisle, dude. I gotta be. I have to be. I used to be a, you know, window. A window guy.

[Unknown Guest]

Scumbag.

[Joe]

Yeah. But then I. Now I have to get up. I have to move around. I've got to stretch.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Because I'll stretch in the galley.

[Unknown Guest]

Up a little bit, walk around.

[Joe]

You did something on a plane. I remember. I never brought this up. I don't think I brought it up with you, but on the way back from Skang Fest.

[Unknown Guest]

Masturbated.

[Joe]

No, he was in. You were. I was in comfort. Plus, you were in first class and you went to the bathroom with your shoes off. Yeah. And I honestly was like, that. That. Yeah. I was, like, disgusted by that. I was.

[Shane]

Well, I had socks on you, definitely.

[Joe]

But still, I was like, what? I. And I remember. I'm like, I gotta bring this up to Joe next time. And I'm glad we're in this forum right now, but I can finally debate you on whether or not it is the most gross thing to go to the bathroom.

[Unknown Guest]

This is like a full Westboro.

[Joe]

This is three hours. Yeah. Something right now.

[Shane]

Well, I've had other people bring this up and sometimes I couldn't believe it. Joe, we all do things that are gross, that we don't think of as being gross.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Shane]

Every once in a while. I mean this.

[Joe]

But I'm here to tell you this,

[Shane]

this backhand grip, western grip is not gross. Same thing.

[Joe]

Beautiful. It's beautiful.

[Shane]

Okay, I like to take my shoe. First of all, it's like a cross country flight. It was like a. I don't mind the shoes off. So I got to go. Shoes off.

[Joe]

Great.

[Shane]

Don't clean feet, clean socks.

[Unknown Guest]

Circulation, like what is it?

[Joe]

Just, just comfort, comfort shoes.

[Shane]

And then you kind of swell. On a plane like these, I would

[Joe]

easily take off and leave them, slip them off.

[Shane]

And then it's like you got to put. Bend up putting your shoes on. Of course, I was in first class, as you heard, but it's hard to get the room and you got to put them all the way back and what? So what's the worst case now I get some piss in my sock. Yes, I've had piss.

[Joe]

I know, yeah, but then you gotta go put em back in your shoe. And then you go home, you take your shoes off, you're walking around your house in your socks and you got pissfoot all over the house now.

[Shane]

Well, this is the thing, people. I look like, I'm like presenting.

[Joe]

I have the look of like a

[Shane]

germ guy, but I don't, I don't care.

[Joe]

That's what shocked me about the situation.

[Unknown Guest]

I don't care about germs.

[Joe]

I would have thought if they said like, Joe's gonna get up and go to the bathroom, is he gonna put his shoes on or is he gonna go. I would have bet my entire house that you would have put your shoes on and gone to the bathroom.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, on the floor.

[Shane]

See, I have, I have OCD that makes me want to punch people while I'm walking by them. I don't wash my hands, I guess. I mean, I wash my hands if I shit. Yeah, yeah. But like I'll get off the subway and go eat a cheeseburger and not

[Joe]

really wash your hands, play basketball and then go out and eat pizza. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Not a nerd. Piss on the socks is like, hey,

[Joe]

I know, I just was really. What's your reusing it?

[Unknown Guest]

I got for reusing a tissue where I like blew my nose and put it in my pocket for later if I can use it again.

[Joe]

Oh, that's not gross. I had someone like, that's yours. Yeah.

[Shane]

So with the socks in the bathroom.

[Joe]

If you pissed on you really unaffected. You would.

[Unknown Guest]

I.

[Shane]

In the middle.

[Unknown Guest]

You would do that? Yeah. It wouldn't bother me. But the. Yeah, that wouldn't pee. I have zero fear of P, by the way.

[Joe]

I'm also thinking of snot. Come. Whatever else people are doing. I know people that jerk off on planes. You're not getting.

[Unknown Guest]

I'm. Both of us are guilty of it. You've never jerked off on a plane.

[Joe]

I have, yes. I wanted to be the last one to say it, though.

[Shane]

Well, do you want to hear this story?

[Joe]

I got it on good faith that

[Unknown Guest]

people jerk off on those things.

[Joe]

Yeah, I've heard under. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

I have a. I have a story about jerking off on a plane. I've told this on podcasts. But I was. I went in and jerked off. Just, you know, I was. Whatever. I was horny and young and ambitious.

[Unknown Guest]

You're up in the air.

[Shane]

Yeah. So I had. I went and jerked off, and I swear to God, this is true. I came out of the bathroom. I just finished jerking off, and you gotta jerk off fast enough that it could be a shit.

[Joe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

So I come out, and the flight attendant. I started out, she goes, hey, what were you doing in there?

[Joe]

No way.

[Shane]

And I was like, what? What? And she's like, you didn't see the sign? And it was like an out of order, and somehow I missed it.

[Joe]

Oh, my.

[Shane]

So I went in there and I was in there for. For like, a length of time. Oh, I swear to God. She went and looked at the toilet. Because it's not working.

[Joe]

Yes.

[Shane]

And. But I had been in there for, like, we were meant to come in the trash. Like, I did a tissue and then put it in the trash, but it was like the most my heart has ever raced.

[Joe]

You got to be like, plucking my eyebrows. I don't.

[Shane]

It's like, what were you doing?

[Joe]

Bleaching my. Like, oh, my.

[Unknown Guest]

She. Like, I try to think of. It wouldn't come out.

[Shane]

And it was like, early on the flight.

[Joe]

Oh, no.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Joe]

At least you didn't answer right away. Like, I was using the restroom, going to the bath number two. And she's like, how could you. It's out of. Oh, my God.

[Shane]

Or I could have been like, I jerked off. Yeah, Yeah.

[Joe]

I was looking at you.

[Unknown Guest]

Not illegal, by the way.

[Shane]

No, it was horrible. And another time after Last comic standing 2010, I jerked off and that came out, and Mike Vecchione was the guy waiting. So that was uncomfortable. I was like, oh, hey. So that was it was like all of us on a flight.

[Unknown Guest]

He sat down on an ice cold and he knew.

[Joe]

Dude, he know. He knew.

[Unknown Guest]

He's probably up next.

[Joe]

Damn, dude, that's cold.

[Shane]

But in your 20s, early 30s. I mean, I just have to jerk off.

[Joe]

Well, then great. You're proving my point. Going back to my original argument that you should not be walking into the bathroom with socks on.

[Shane]

But I don't come on the floor.

[Unknown Guest]

Western would do it.

[Joe]

I go western grip.

[Shane]

I'm going down there.

[Joe]

Flattering everywhere, man. Old, you know, turbulence.

[Unknown Guest]

You.

[Joe]

I went out of control.

[Unknown Guest]

We're in a.

[Joe]

In a chaotic environment.

[Unknown Guest]

Need the turbulence to come. I can't.

[Joe]

Give me a little bounce, a little shake to get my prostate, a little nerves. Give me a full, full jerk.

[Unknown Guest]

Also just learned on the plane that, like, they can't stop you from going to the bathroom at any time. So, like, what do you mean they can't.

[Joe]

They tell, like, when you're landing and taking off, you can.

[Unknown Guest]

You can get up. They can't stop you from. They can just suggest that you don't get up, but you got to pee. You can pee no matter what. Oh, really?

[Joe]

I. I've had people be like, we're going to turn the plane around if you. I'm not. Turn the plane. No, no, no. I mean,

[Unknown Guest]

pilot's gonna reach back and hit you.

[Joe]

I'll tell you what, I'll turn this thing around. Everybody sit down. I told you to hold it. Listen. No, when you get up and when they're taxiing out, right. When they're going, like, we're going to the Runway. If you get up and go to the bathroom, they'll be like, they'll. We're gonna pull off to the side.

[Unknown Guest]

They just passive aggressively, like, please. As a reminder to sit down.

[Joe]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Guest]

If you're tagged before taxing.

[Joe]

Yeah, I think, like, before they're gonna take off, they will go off to the side of the road.

[Unknown Guest]

True. Once you take off, though, though. Yeah, literally whatever you want.

[Shane]

But it would be hard to prove it. Like, I'm sure the. The pilots have orders to, like, hey, don't. But no one's, like, looking in.

[Joe]

Yeah, I mean, I hope you're looking forward. You're not like, you know, all looking in the rearview mirror. But yeah, they. I guess they're supposed to not take off if everyone's not seen.

[Unknown Guest]

True. Yeah. But once they're up, my. I thought you had to wait for the thing to go ding. And then you can get up, go to the bathroom.

[Shane]

You can just.

[Unknown Guest]

As soon as you're in the air, you can just get up and go to the bathroom.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And the flight attendants will be like, kind of look at you. And you're like, I. I have to go.

[Shane]

I threw up on.

[Joe]

Oh, go.

[Shane]

No. I've seen an old man, like, run as soon as it took. Like, we were totally ascending. And he like went running up. And I felt like everyone was like, this is. This guy's going to his pant. He's old. But I saw the flight attendant who was still buckled in be like, oh, sir.

[Joe]

And then they just let like that thing.

[Shane]

Yeah, they can't.

[Joe]

I thought about it. I threw up. I was. I felt sick one time. I was like, oh, we're going to. And it was, you know, still seat belts buckles. And I threw up into the bag. Into my own little, like, you know, personal bag rather than getting up and going to the bathroom. Because I was like, I don't want to get in trouble. It's also a small, and if they stop me, I'm gonna barf on them.

[Unknown Guest]

Was it like the paper bag?

[Joe]

Yeah, it was that. It was the vomit bags.

[Unknown Guest]

Small for vomiting.

[Joe]

I knew I wasn't giving like a huge. I knew I had eaten like a lemonade. It was like a 6am in the morning flight. It was like gurgling around my stomach. I drank a lemonade. I know, quote, unquote, a little bit for breakfast.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Little croissant and lemonade. And I barfed it up on the. On the. I don't know, it just didn't sit right.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn.

[Joe]

Yeah. But it was like on the takeoff, on the way up, and I'm like, I want to run to the bathroom and just do it there. But you did it.

[Unknown Guest]

Now you know I.

[Joe]

Now I know. Yeah, I didn't do it because, like, I thought they were gonna arrest.

[Unknown Guest]

Especially with little kids. I have little kids. And like, I gotta pee now. And I'm like, yeah, they have like a two minute time window.

[Joe]

Yep.

[Unknown Guest]

So I'll just take them there. And they're like, sir. And it's like, hey, hey, come on.

[Joe]

Yep.

[Shane]

Were you traveling a lot when you potty trained? Because it feels like that's going to be hard. Oh, yeah, he's gonna potty train. And then you're like, huge.

[Unknown Guest]

Huge setback too, because we. My one. My oldest kid was potty trained pretty much. And then we went to the airport and that automatic flusher was just like.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And then it just. It like reverted her all the way back.

[Joe]

We Potty trained in like a. Like a week or two at my house. Yeah, we had a week or two off. It was like. I remember we just did it like you walked around and just your. He just would wear nobody diapers or whatever.

[Unknown Guest]

That's what they say. Yeah.

[Joe]

And then just like when you gotta go. Sometimes there were accidents, like a dog. But, you know, like, most times they make it to the toilet and that was it.

[Shane]

But because my son's 9 and we just cannot figure it out.

[Joe]

Like, I can't get it together. We can't find the time.

[Shane]

He's a mess.

[Matt McCusker]

It's.

[Joe]

Daddy's on the road. I don't have time to.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, we. I remember hearing about that. Like, oh, my wife would always be like, we need to spend the whole weekend. We'll stay here. Yeah. Take their place. I'm never gonna. We're not doing that.

[Joe]

Yeah, we did that. It was great. It worked out. My second son, not so much. He would just.

[Unknown Guest]

Really?

[Joe]

Yeah. It was like a month and a half of him being like, I in my pants. And you're like, you. You did it on purpose.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Boys are harder to potty train.

[Joe]

Yeah. Because they're lazy, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

My son was like, why am I gonna get up?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Why do I care?

[Joe]

I'll just. In this diaper that you gave me.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And then you wipe my hand.

[Joe]

You're gonna wipe my ass. And like, really? I'm gonna keep that going until like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

It gets. Becomes a huge problem.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Letting your kid wipe their own ass is like, I'm still my. I have a three and a five year old. I'm still like, are you sure you did that? Right?

[Joe]

Like, I never went and was like, here's how you do it or any of that stuff. I was just assuming, like, no rash is coming back my way. No problems being sent up the chain, you know? Like that way.

[Unknown Guest]

I just know that's what happened to me. But my ass was a disaster until I was like, they'll come to me.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I had no idea. No one ever taught me. So I, like, actually have been teaching my kids. Like, you just wipe and then when you don't see any more paper, you don't see anything else on the paper. Just do it one more time to see. No one taught me how to wipe my ass.

[Joe]

No. No one ever does.

[Unknown Guest]

My wife taught me how to clean my ass in the shower with a rag.

[Joe]

Rag.

[Unknown Guest]

Because I used to. I used to just lean forward and

[Shane]

kind of like, yeah, I'm still doing that.

[Joe]

Wait that's how I do it. Yeah, that's spread the cheeks and I let it get in there.

[Shane]

If I don't have a removable shower head, my is never properly.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I, I, I was just completely. It was disgusting. And then one day she's like, you gotta actually, like, wipe. So I got a rag and I wiped in the shower, and I was, it was just disgusting. So let me see it. I was like, dude, let me see it. She wanted to make sure she loves you, dude. Wow.

[Joe]

God almighty.

[Unknown Guest]

She still will get me with that. Every now and again, I'll be in the shower and I'll wipe my ass with a rag. And she was like, peer. We have like a little half ball. She'll peer over. I'm like, bro, relax, man.

[Joe]

Damn.

[Unknown Guest]

You don't want to see this.

[Joe]

Wow.

[Unknown Guest]

It's kind of a up. Yeah.

[Shane]

That's so sweet you guys are showering together.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, well, she'll see me. She brushes her teeth right next to her.

[Shane]

Right.

[Joe]

So I, I go in the bathroom. My wife's in the morning when she's showering every day.

[Unknown Guest]

Do you?

[Joe]

Yeah, it's like my favorite. It's the best part of the day.

[Unknown Guest]

What do you do? Just go up there and fire.

[Joe]

I creep, I, I, I toilet nomer. I just sit there. And I just sit there.

[Shane]

I had a joke where, like, when my wife showers, I love to be like this. But never once has she been like, let me get some of that.

[Joe]

She's never like, there's no reciprocation at all. No, I come out of like, I, I'm an, I'm like a naked person. I'll walk around naked. She's like, puts a robe on right away. But, like, I'll shower, I'll walk. She'll be in the bedroom. I'll walk past her, like, naked, like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

She just won't even get off to. She won't even look off the phone.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, man.

[Joe]

And I'm like, like, this is. I'm presenting right now. I'm peacocking.

[Shane]

You know who excited by that? A kid. Hedonic treadmill. You got to keep upping it.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I feel that way. Have you ever confronted your wife for her phone usage? Like, you use it too much.

[Joe]

Passive aggressively.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I do it all the time.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Doesn't get a good reaction.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I go, can you just please put that thing down? Just hang out with us. Oh, they don't like that.

[Joe]

Yeah, because you're like. Because she's mostly in charge of everything that goes on in the house. So it's almost like you're like you're gonna take. You like you taking a break. What do you. You don't have time. Time to lean? No. Time to clean? Like, what are you doing right now? Get off that phone. Even if it's just hanging out with us, that's like.

[Unknown Guest]

Yep.

[Joe]

Laborious to her, you know, like, she's like God almighty. You know what that word means, Joe?

[Shane]

No, but I was. I, I could. You clocked that. I was like, huh. I don't appreciate,

[Matt McCusker]

you know.

[Unknown Guest]

Laborious.

[Shane]

Laborious. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Break it down.

[Shane]

Boring.

[Joe]

No, labor, labor, labor.

[Shane]

It's like work. It's like. I saw the spelling.

[Joe]

Yeah. Work for her to hang out with us.

[Shane]

I see.

[Joe]

She's not. It's not fun for her to hang out with us.

[Shane]

Of course.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Boys. Boy time.

[Joe]

Yeah, but like she. Yeah, yeah, she might ever be on the phone, but they don't like it.

[Unknown Guest]

No, I. At least I have the. I'll fake. I'll go my. I'll take a. And just like a job job and I'll go on my phone. Yeah,

[Joe]

yeah, but she has to. She like, she could be like, I'm working or doing something.

[Shane]

I mean, she could say that. But yeah, it's a lot of. I mean, we have the same job. Yeah,

[Joe]

that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

No, she's on her phone a lot. But you know, I get it. It's first. Especially now with a two year old. It's like when you. Sometimes you. If they go nap or they go. You just want some kind of like.

[Joe]

Yep, whatever.

[Unknown Guest]

Have you ever gotten a communication via an Instagram reel from your wife where it's like, here's something I'd like you to kind of focus on or call.

[Joe]

Oh, yeah. Yes. Those. That's the most passive aggressive way you can tell someone that you're not as good as they want you to be. You know, they just like, here's a real about, like, like I'll get reals about like, like what you're supposed to say after a game. Yeah. You know, because sometimes I'm just a little bit like, hey, dude, like, where. Where were you today? You know, what was going on today? She's just like, you know, I'll. Then I'll get a video. It's like, it'll be like the music from Moneyball. Like the dad's just like, listen, son, you're the greatest it's ever been. You know, I'm like, I understand the point. But like, you can't I. You know, I'm not perfect.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, No, I know.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

I'll get them every now and again where it's like. It'll be like a lady. Like, my anxiety spikes when I see coffee cups on the counter. Blah, blah. Like, a deep explanation of it. I'm like, all right, I'll put my cup in the sink. You could have.

[Shane]

Yeah, I would rather just communicate that.

[Unknown Guest]

Now she says it to me. I'm like, oh, my God, shut up, dude.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[Joe]

I've been. I had karma backfire. We were. We've been sending videos of people falling all winter long. Because New York, we've had, like, the worst winter. So it's like just video after video of people falling and laughing and, like, the great. And then the other day, I'm at the gas station, just pulled in with her car to fill it up, like a nice husband, get out of the gas. And, like, not even thinking, dude, it's not snowing. It's barely cold. I put my feet down on the ground and. And they just ice. My feet go out from underneath me, and I'm like. And I'm just. I'm. Every while, I'm like, sideways. Every video that I've watched and laughed at is going through my fucking head.

[Unknown Guest]

And the.

[Joe]

And people. I hit the ground so hard. I was like, oh, no. And the fucking guy comes out. He's like, are you all right? Are you all right? And the lady over here, she's still pumping her gas. She goes, he's all right. He didn't fit his head or anything like that. She's answering me. I'm on the ground, dude. I'm like. And I'm thinking to myself, like, dude, I haven't fallen. Like, I went to the doctor in January. My doctor's like. He's going over all stuff. He goes, hey, have you fallen recently? And I was like, what?

[Unknown Guest]

No, dude.

[Joe]

Like, I'm not a loser. What are you talking about? Who falls? Like, I'm not 11. And then I thought about. I'm like, I. This is what he's like, I'm the age of falling now. Like, just random falling. And it killed.

[Unknown Guest]

I feel like if. If you're an adult and you fall, you should have to go to jail for, like, two hours. Yeah, just for two hours. Just, like, cool down. I don't know what it is, but, like, I fell the other night. I was naked coming from the bathroom back to my bed. It was dark, and I tripped over a suitcase and just flat onto my

[Joe]

Belly all the way to the ground,

[Unknown Guest]

naked all the way to the ground and laid there. And I was like, I shouldn't be in society.

[Shane]

Oh, my God.

[Joe]

Naked.

[Unknown Guest]

Taken from society for, like, a day.

[Joe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Humiliating.

[Joe]

That is humiliating.

[Unknown Guest]

Hit my toes, like.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Joe]

But then losing all of it and going all the way like, your dick hit the ground, like, dark. Yeah.

[Shane]

He was squishing on the ground.

[Unknown Guest]

Mine was all right.

[Joe]

Mine was like.

[Unknown Guest]

It was hanging. It was like. It was like Mission Impossible.

[Joe]

Wow. That's crazy, dude. Yeah. But you have so many thoughts as you're going to the ground. I'm one of these. And I know this is on video. We're at a gas station.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Joe]

We're at a gas station.

[Unknown Guest]

The mayor has a nasty spill. It's on camera.

[Joe]

Oh, really?

[Unknown Guest]

It might be.

[Joe]

Was it a slip and fall, Lamar?

[Unknown Guest]

It was a drunk. It was more of a Bruce tumble.

[Joe]

Damn.

[Unknown Guest]

It was a drunk fall.

[Joe]

Damn, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

It was.

[Joe]

Yeah. No, it's painful for the ego. It's painful like my hip is killing me.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I landed on my head. Sucks that. That hurts.

[Joe]

Yeah. Hard.

[Unknown Guest]

Did you know. Did you go home and tell your wife about it?

[Joe]

Oh, right away.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Joe]

Because I'm like, I gotta tell her before, like, this could be America's Funniest Home Videos on Sunday for all I know. You're like, I gotta go to her.

[Unknown Guest]

No.

[Joe]

Know I can't be the last person to let her know that this could. This happen. And plus, I love to complain. I'm like, you're never gonna. Because right away, I turned to that guy. I'm like, you gotta ice this, man. I mean, you gotta salt this area, dude. Are you crazy?

[Shane]

Of course.

[Joe]

What if I was an old lady? I'm like, you broke my streak today, dude. I haven't fallen in 11 years.

[Shane]

That's great about falling, I guess.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, it's coming for you. We got. We got it. Yeah.

[Joe]

I'm telling you, Joe, I don't know. I mean, walking around the streets in New York, how do you not, like, slip and fall all the time?

[Shane]

Well, I had a horrible incident years ago. The movie Gone Girl came out. I don't know what year that was. Maybe it was 10 years ago or something like that. And my wife and I went and started, like. It was like the first night. We both had read the book and loved it. So we were like, all right, here we go. And it was sold out. It was like when movies would sell out, and I went to piss or whatever, and we were sitting in the middle and I was coming back in, and somehow I just tripped on someone's foot or leg. And I couldn't recover, and I touched every single part. I was like, go, go, go, go,

[Joe]

go, go, go, go.

[Shane]

Like, it was full. Kramer. Like, I. I spun and then tripped over the next person. And I just. And everyone was like, go, go. Like, finally, like, rolled into my seat. Like, you couldn't have blocked it out better for a movie.

[Joe]

It's like impromptu parkour.

[Shane]

You're like.

[Joe]

All of a sudden, you're like, finding the. I'll find the next step when I have to.

[Shane]

It was horrible. And, like, holy cow, hear the buzz, like, down the road being like this. And my wife was, like, dying, laughing, like, cry. She's still. It's like the funniest thing ever to her. But it was humiliating. I stepped on every foot, touched every dick. It was crazy.

[Joe]

My aunt was on riding the bus one time. She's a big lady, and she's not. She's not like. She's not confrontational at all. But she was standing up. The bus driver, she goes. The bus driver took off way before. And he. She fell on this black lady and just sat there. And she goes. And she stayed. She was so embarrassed. She just laid there. She didn't try to get up. She just laid to the next stop. And the lady's like, you gotta get off of me. What is wrong with you? And she's trying to push my hand and my hands like this. I can't yet. I have to wait to the bus stops, dude. She just continues. Continued to lay on this woman. Personal space, not an issue.

[Unknown Guest]

That's so funny.

[Joe]

Yeah, dude.

[Unknown Guest]

Of all the people to land on. Dude, just.

[Joe]

This woman is like. She was like, you gotta get up. And she's like, I can. I have to wait to the bus stops. Like a Weeble wobble. She's just laying on the lady.

[Shane]

Slap.

[Unknown Guest]

Dude, it's just that black lady going into work and be like, you won't believe it. Yeah, White lady was laying.

[Joe]

I know.

[Unknown Guest]

Goddamn white lady. Thought you could sit on it. Oh, dude, here's Lamar. Good job. Here we go. Oh, there's Gardini coming in. Oh, no. Someone had a little edit. Oh, this is you, Gini.

[Shane]

Yo.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh,

[Joe]

yeah. He owned it. Nice job, Lamare. Way to own that. That's a 10.0 for the. For the dismount right there.

[Unknown Guest]

What an edit.

[Joe]

We're stick the landing on that one. Beautiful.

[Shane]

That was good stuff.

[Joe]

Yep. Nice job, dude. No ice. Just tripped over your own feet. Nothing to blame. I was hurt for, like, a week.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. I'm telling you, there was also, like, a little. You did, like, a little hop up the curb, which is the best part. He did a little, like.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

And then just completely, like.

[Joe]

I got this shimmy shake and then, boom, Straight to the ground.

[Shane]

Well, that's the problem with the future. There's no falling anonymously.

[Joe]

No, that's what I'm saying.

[Shane]

Anything that happens is.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, yeah. True. Everything. We're. We're living in a panopticon. That's the term for that.

[Shane]

What is it called?

[Unknown Guest]

Panopticon.

[Shane]

I find it laborious. It's not easy

[Joe]

work.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, God damn, dude. I think. I think we did it, man. You guys, thank you so much for doing this.

[Joe]

Yeah, no worries, man. This is great, dude. I had a blast.

[Shane]

I mean, my legs hurt.

[Joe]

I know. I can't wait to sit down. Hey, man, go take a nap.

[Unknown Guest]

We do it different down here.

[Joe]

This is beautiful, though. Do you give this away?

[Unknown Guest]

Like, you can have it? Yeah, if you want.

[Joe]

It's awesome, man.

[Unknown Guest]

I'll get another reprint.

[Joe]

Yeah, why not?

[Shane]

Is this a famous painting?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it's. Yeah, it's one of those. Them.

[Joe]

I don't know anything about art.

[Unknown Guest]

I just wanted, like, the weirdest.

[Joe]

Classy.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, like, that's.

[Joe]

That's. Jesus. I think that's.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, that's a. That's a. Yeah. Rainbow, that one. I like that kind of stuff. Yeah. So what's this?

[Joe]

The 15 Chapel?

[Unknown Guest]

You know, I don't know about art.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know.

[Unknown Guest]

Something.

[Joe]

There's a lot of naked kids in this one back here saying, dude, they're

[Unknown Guest]

all the rage right now.

[Joe]

Yeah. Why not?

[Unknown Guest]

Time. I'm trying to keep up with, you know, the biz.

[Joe]

I think we solved a lot of issues.

[Shane]

Oh, are we still on? I'm looking at my phone.

[Unknown Guest]

What? Do you guys have anything you want to promote?

[Joe]

Oh, yes. Steve Rennes, easy.com stand updates. I'll be in. I'm going to Key West Comedy Club in April. I'll be in Back Room Comedy Club in Toronto next month. Yeah, check out. Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah, I'm doing a big UK Ireland thing. Belfast, Dublin, London. Adding a show. Glasgow and Bristol. Bristol, yeah.

[Joe]

Connecticut.

[Shane]

No, Pennsylvania.

[Joe]

Ireland and Bristol.

[Shane]

Glasgow, Bristol, Connecticut. Weird routing, but yeah. And I don't know.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Punchuplive.com you talked about. I got a movie on there, all that stuff. Specials on YouTube.

[Joe]

4th of July is great. You should see that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Thank you.

[Unknown Guest]

Peep it out.

[Shane]

All right.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you, guys.

[Joe]

Awesome.

[Unknown Guest]

Great. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify.

[Joe]

Do.