Ep 606 - Leadership

Summary

Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast – Ep 606 "Leadership" (April 3, 2026)

Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Featuring: Lemaire, Nate, Sean (Optimum Noxus crew, recurring characters and comedians)

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Episode Overview

This episode, entitled "Leadership," brings the core cast back together as Matt returns home after some time away. The theme: leadership, managing group dynamics (specifically the comic 'squad'), and how quickly camaraderie can devolve into bickering and chaos. The show oscillates between riff-heavy, absurd comedic banter and real glimpses into their work as comics, recurring house drama, life in Austin, and world events filtered through the podcast’s signature irreverent lens.

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Key Topics and Discussion Points

1. The Squad in Disarray [00:00–04:15]

• Squad Drama: The episode opens with jokes about the comedy crew falling apart when Shane is out of town—people are "at each other's necks."
• Comedy Festival Debacle: Lemaire books everyone for a festival, but chaos ensues—two members back out, not happy with the money ("that's not enough of a bag").
• Accountability and Leadership:
  • Matt is accused of poor leadership as the group devolves.
  • Shane sums up the chaos: “I leave town, you guys disintegrate. Everyone’s at each other’s neck.” [00:11]
• Money vs. Friendship: The difficulty of organizing comedians for group gigs and festival drama.

2. The Lemaire Festival Fiasco [04:15–14:00]

• Lemaire’s Explanation: He’s frustrated that he tried to land a festival spot for everyone, only for friends to pull out last minute.
• Group Dynamics and Communication: Highlights how poor communication and quick decisions can upend plans.
• Affection Through Bickering:
  • "I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode...” (Matt, [04:11])
  • After a long absence, reunions quickly regress to teasing, jabs, and squabbles.

3. House Life & Debauchery [05:41–11:30]

• Wasp Nest Battle: Shane got stung by a wasp and plans retaliation.
  • “The nest is in an outlet... I think I can squash it with my hand if I have a nice glove.” (Shane, [05:59])
• Nature vs. House: Beers claimed by birds, Christmas decorations left up, accusations of indoor smoking.
• Gooner Cave Lore: Ongoing jokes about personal habits (masturbation, smoking, gaming), “gooner caves,” and whose furniture and rooms have been defiled.
• Locked Doors & Paranoia: Bizarre logic for locking bedroom doors and elaborate attempts to avert temptation (“He locks the door to keep himself out of my room...How strong was the desire to get in there and just stare at my bed?” –Shane, [08:46])

4. Comedian Politics, Gossip & Austin Life [13:21–20:43]

• "King of Austin" Bit: Lemaire insists Nate is "the king of Austin," much to Nate's disbelief and embarrassment.
  • “He’s the king now and that you’re running it here.” (Shane, [14:40])
• Changes in Group Dynamics:
  • “This time... it’s still nice, but... we don’t even need him anymore.” (Nate, [13:47])
• Austin vs. Philly: Ongoing "Austinification" of the crew.
• Car Peer Pressure: Matt is pressured to get a new car, discusses tricking out his Honda CRV—“Matte black on a CRV would be awesome. Nobody’s done that.” (Shane, [18:15])

5. Global Affairs—Podcast-Style [20:11–23:43]

• Hot Takes on World Politics:
  • Strait of Hormuz, Iran, and Cuba are discussed in deliberately absurd, uninformed fashion.
  • “You’d think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a missile.” (Shane, [20:43])
• Jokes About US Foreign Policy:
  • “We better turn the world into our vacation spots. Pretty much kind of already is the case.” (Matt, [24:23])
• Trump and Authoritarian Fantasies:
  • Joking about Trump “taking Cuba” and wishing for a bro-ish, 50-year-old president: “We need Tommy Pope to be president.” (Matt, [23:41])

6. Travel, TSA, and Airport Rants [26:59–33:58]

• Matt recounts flying woes and TSA precheck hassles.
  • “I’m a one issue voter. I’m airport lines. That’s it.” (Matt, [33:58])
• Airport Absurdities: Stories of Disney adults, cutting in line, and run-ins with ICE agents.
  • “Guy goes up to the ICE agents and he's like, do you guys think you could get me there quicker?” (Shane, [30:07])

7. Nature Encroaches [34:19–38:50]

• Nature in the Backyard:
  • Squirrels “barking,” wasps dominating the pool.
  • “Nature’s on our house dude...the squirrel was just gone, barking at Lemaire” (Shane, [34:19])
• Ongoing Wasp Saga: Continued plans to destroy the wasp nest, shared house anxieties about nature reclaiming their territory.

8. Swimming, Summer, and Physical Comedy [38:50–59:06]

• Lake and Pool Antics: Boat trips, confidence in swimming (or lack thereof), discussions of buoyancy, near-drownings, and group dynamics in the water.
  • “Do you think you could beat Nate in a race?” (Matt, [36:33])
• Cold Plunge/Bathhouse Lore: Tales from Barton Springs—unexpected sightings in locker rooms, etiquette, and Austin’s nudist quirks.
  • “I walk in, just a dude rinsing off...I think he was bricked. Honestly it was like a bricked up hog.” (Matt, [47:56])
• Locker Room Social Commentary: The odd intersection of nudity, sexuality, and inclusivity in Austin culture.
  • “You see a monster hog like that...I couldn't present dude.” (Matt, [49:20])

9. Degenerate Pastimes & Bizarre Observations [59:57–70:00]

• Gooner Cave Returns: “How many? The Gooner cave...I know you were hitting 2 a days? No, it was spring ball in here.” (Shane, [67:01])
• Homelessness Street Narratives:
  • Tales of bum break-ins, the “homeless smell,” and debates on whether to donate celebrity jerseys to people on the street.
  • “See some guy in a T. Wolves Gillis jersey jacking off.” (Matt, [70:35])

10. Delirious End-of-Episode Riffs [70:00–end]

• Proper Protocol for Escape from a Submerged Car:
  • Deep dive into car safety urban myths (“Do you crack the windows? Kick the rear? Wait to let it fill?”) – references to Quora, Mythbusters, and anxiety-driven Amazon purchases.
• Final Circle—Exhaustion and Meta Commentary:
  • “You’d think we’d have a lot of stories. We were just steaming right along.” (Shane, [60:12])
• Absurd Tabloid Bimbo-fication Scandal:
  • #ChristieNoem’s husband’s balloon “boob” pictures dissected in signature style.
  • “Was he being funny or does he like having massive [balloon] jugs?” (Shane, [61:06])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Leadership and the Comedy Squad
  • "I leave town, you guys disintegrate. Everyone’s at each other’s neck.” (Shane, [00:11])
  • “Let’s not pin this on me. The leadership was good.” (Matt, [01:39])
• On Money in Comedy
  • "You're gonna get a cool $48.” (Shane, [01:32])
• On Homecomings & Bickering
  • “I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode...and you guys subscribe.” (Matt, [04:11])
  • "I was just so happy to see you guys. And then to have you guys come in here just like women. Yeah. Bickering at each other." (Shane, [04:27])
• On House Life
  • “He locks the door to keep himself out of my room. How strong was the desire to get in there and just stare at my bed?” (Shane, [08:46])
• On Absurd World Politics
  • “You’d think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a missile…We killed an old man with a missile!” (Shane, [20:43])
• On Austin Life & Swim Culture
  • “I was shrimp from the water. You see a monster hog like that…I couldn’t present dude.” (Matt, [49:19])
  • “Trying to show out. Trying to show out.” (Matt, [46:37])
• On Being a One-Issue Voter
  • “I’m a one issue voter. I’m airport lines. That’s it.” (Matt, [33:58])
• On Locker Room Surprises
  • “Palate cleanser for me…an old inverted tinas. A glistening Mexican hog. By then he had pulled on the briefs.” (Matt, [48:37])
• On the Never-Ending Gooner Cave Mythos
  • “How many? The Gooner cave catch. Did I know you were hitting 2 a days? No, it was spring ball in here.” (Shane, [67:01])
• On Homelessness and the “Bum Smell”
  • “There actually, I think, is a smell called, like, the homeless smell. It’s like a problem when you’re trying to reintroduce a homeless guy into society.” (Matt, [71:52])
• On Escaping a Sinking Car
  • “True SWOC protocol, bro: seat belts immediately off, rear window...Find a window, kick it out…then you start getting the kids out…” (Matt, [73:27])

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Funniest and Most Absurd Riffs

• Bricked-up locker room guy ([47:56–48:48])
• Dishing on Christie Noem’s husband’s balloon "boob" controversy ([61:00–63:49])
• Giving out custom hockey jerseys to homeless people ([70:00–70:44])
• The eternal debate: did the gooner cave see "spring ball"? ([67:01])
• Home invasion by a “pause load” and the anxiety of homeless guy funk ([71:15–72:33])
• Protocols for escaping a sinking car (and imagined failure scenarios) ([73:09–76:24])

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Useful Timestamps for Reference

• [00:00] – Opening: Squad drama & leadership bickering
• [01:39] – Matt deflects blame for leadership failures
• [05:41] – Wasp nest story and nature vs. man
• [18:15] – Car peer pressure; custom matte black CRV discussion
• [26:59] – TSA/airport tales and Shane’s one-issue voting
• [34:19] – Squirrel standoff, nature encroachment
• [46:07] – Barton Springs, cold plunges, locker room tales
• [60:01] – “No steam” recap, Christie Noem’s husband scandal
• [70:00] – Custom jerseys for bums, bum-smell anxiety
• [73:09] – Sinking car escape protocol riff
• [76:44] – Wrapping up, plotting vengeance on the wasp nest

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Closing Thoughts & Tone

The episode is a classic example of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast: endlessly digressive, more about the hang and the dynamic than any one topic. Themes—group leadership, the chaos of comic life, and absurd male anxieties—are filtered through relentless inside jokes, off-color riffing, and affectionate ribbing. Even when tackling real-world politics or personal drama, everything is mined for comedy before the guys spiral off on the next tangent.

If you like comedians roasting their own failings, house squabbles, world events reimagined as video games, or Austin’s unique brand of weirdness, this episode is a tight distillation of what makes the podcast a cult favorite.

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Note: Advertisements and promos were omitted from this summary, as requested, to focus on pure pod content.

Transcript

[A]

The wild, wild west. I mean,

[B]

what happened to the squad, bro?

[A]

I've been excited all morning, man.

[B]

The squad is. I leave town, you guys disintegrate. Everyone's at each other's neck.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Man of thieves.

[B]

I. I mean, bro, I don't want to point fingers, but I know.

[A]

Hey, look, I. I'm doing better leadership out.

[B]

Have you been. Have you taken care of them?

[A]

I was. I was taking good care.

[B]

Seen them.

[A]

You know what happened? Every week I've been working a pub, week I've been working them.

[B]

I haven't worked in the pub. And they get. They get nasty.

[A]

It's. This is my leadership. I apologize.

[B]

I knew your leadership had failed us a little because when I got home and Lamar let me in, he was

[A]

like, dude, this is an internal deal. The. This is an internal deal.

[B]

No. Hey, thanks for letting me live here. I walk in, I was like, have you been smoking in my house? And he was like, no. Yeah, you have.

[A]

Lamar King set up a high profile show. It's falling apart right now.

[B]

Lamar set up a. Yeah, a big show. And then the rest of Optimum Noxus is still stabbed him in the back.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's Optimum traitorous.

[B]

You would never do that. So now you're turning on Nate, who did do that? Crazy. I mean, you guys considering bailing on Lemaire? Lamar, what the fuck, man?

[A]

Lamar, do all three spots and just beast up. This is generally. Dude,

[B]

get a cool $48.

[A]

The vibe plummeted.

[B]

You're gonna have to them up.

[A]

Hold on. Timeout. Time out. Let's. Let's not pin this on me. The leadership was good. The leadership was good.

[B]

What have you left?

[A]

They set up an auxiliary deal and they just had some crackhead deal going on. It all fell apart.

[B]

Now everyone's mad. What are you guys doing?

[A]

You guys are sweating pennies, man. We're trying to.

[C]

I just, I. I felt a bad deal happening, so I. I chose to this morning to like, decide I'm back.

[B]

This morning you woke up and said, I'm not doing it.

[C]

I will. I. I asked.

[A]

Oh, get the mic. So just. Just to provide context, there was a. There's a comedy festival. Lemaire got reached out. Lemaire signed these two up. These guys, these two spoiled brats, didn't like.

[B]

They said, that's not enough of a bag.

[A]

And now they're up. Your reputation. Lemaire on your side, bro.

[C]

Yeah, that is a little up.

[B]

Why'd you agree to say to do it when he told you it's not.

[A]

Misread the email, dude.

[B]

Lair. Lair runs like Ponzi schemes for stage time. It's wild.

[A]

So l. Bring us through. Bring us through the initial thing. We got to solve this, bro. We can't. I can't pot under these conditions.

[D]

I was trying to get our show at the Riot. Was trying to get Optimum Knockus at Riot in Houston so we can do it there. And then the guy was like, let's. You guys can headline our festival. We could do your show at the festival. I was like, that's cool.

[A]

Sean said he wanted $10,000.

[D]

Yeah. And then I sent them the email and they're like, all right. And then I told him. I'm like, they're in. And then. Yeah.

[B]

And then day before the. The big show. You're one of your closest friends bails on it.

[C]

I will not. The day before. And it sounds worse when you.

[B]

Where is tomorrow?

[C]

It is tomorrow. But I. I started talking to him about it.

[B]

Yeah, it's today right now.

[A]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

Tomorrow.

[C]

Fair enough.

[B]

Fair enough. I just wasn't sure about.

[C]

But I started trying to, like, just figure out more because they. They haven't talked to me once and I'm supposed to headline the show.

[A]

I. I don't.

[C]

I. I don't want to like on the thing, but they're just running.

[B]

Oh, now you are.

[A]

But I asked them, but just not for you.

[C]

If they would have just responded when I asked.

[B]

Lamar did tell me you were.

[C]

The knockout potential was. And my guarantee was if they would have just. They would have said 50 bucks. If they had a wrote back, it would have been different. They didn't even respond. That's.

[A]

I don't know. Yeah.

[B]

So you're saying it's like leaving a comedy festival, just. No. No show. Just not telling anyone. Leaving a comedy festival. Something like that.

[C]

What'd you say? You try to be throwing back to this thing?

[B]

No, that was the etiquette around here.

[A]

I. I just. I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode. And you guys subscribe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All I wanted was. You think the three of you are standing outside of 711 right now scratching back. You're squabbling, dude.

[B]

I was just so happy to have us all under one roof together.

[C]

I'm happy too.

[B]

I was just so happy to see you guys. And then to have you guys come in here just like women. Yeah. Bickering at each other.

[A]

And I get blamed. God dang. You know what, though? That felt a lot faster than last year. Last year it felt like that your absence went on forever this year. It kind. It did zip by.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that was nice.

[B]

Yeah. I did feel. I. I felt like I was. I was definitely gone for a while. But, you know, nothing changed. No, it was.

[A]

It was like a time vortex around here. We just. It just like flew by. I think it's because I don't sleep ever so. Kind of bumble through my days in a haze all the time.

[B]

But I'm. I am really sad to see Lemaire sad. That's.

[A]

I know.

[B]

It hurts me to see him sad.

[A]

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[B]

That actually.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah, we have. We have a war to attend to. I got stung by a wasp last night.

[A]

Where's the nest?

[B]

It's in an outlet out there. What? I opened the outlet last night and stuck my hand in to unplug something.

[A]

I got. Oh.

[B]

Scared the out of me.

[A]

A little risky too. Spraying the aerosol.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know what to do now. We have a battle. It's a very small nest. I think I can squash it with my hand if I have a nice glove.

[A]

Squash the nest.

[B]

I might just.

[A]

That's not a bad idea. Get a falconer's glove. Hyper Punch.

[B]

Yes. And I. My bedroom's on the other side of it. I went to bed last night, hand elevated because it was swollen just. Just looking at the wall. I'm gonna kill the whole mess.

[A]

It's wasps One. You haven't even struck back.

[B]

I haven't struck back yet.

[A]

Dang.

[B]

But they're gonna pay.

[A]

Sacrifice the outlet. Get that. Get like. Like that construction foam. You spray it. It gets like real big real quick. You can just suffocate those guys to death and then just have electrician come out and swap the outlet. Just sacrifice. Yeah. They. They set up shop in that outlet. Being like he's not going to enter the electrical.

[B]

It was promised to me.

[A]

Yes. That's an outdoor. You know those things. You only get so many outdoors too.

[B]

That case of beer has been out there so long. There's a bird's nest inside of it. Nature's pretty exciting.

[A]

Nature's conspired against you having your beers and tunes.

[B]

Yeah. He must have done nothing.

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

What have you done in this house? I can't. There's Christmas decorations still up.

[A]

That's, that's unforgivable.

[B]

Only thing he did was set back. He just took over his gooner cave again. One of these got multiple monitors in there. It stinks like somebody's been smoking inside of it.

[A]

You got dual screen.

[B]

And he goes, no, I haven't jacked all. He lied again about jacking.

[D]

I, I, I'm not lying.

[A]

You can't jack off of that, man.

[B]

I know he has.

[D]

No, that's the only place to jack off.

[A]

Wait, the Never jack off in this pool. That's what the pool's for, dude. A fountain in the backyard.

[B]

It's a chair of his unicave is just disintegrated. I walked into his room, and it is lemaire.

[D]

Is that that bad?

[A]

Sigs? Has that been sigs in the pool cave or pool house?

[D]

No, no, no.

[A]

Okay. No, sex is good.

[D]

You promise? Yeah. Six is an outdoor activity.

[B]

Not even after a couple drinks?

[D]

Yeah, not even after any drinks.

[A]

That's respectable.

[B]

I appreciate that.

[A]

Yeah. No, six is brutal inside. Six is the ultimate disrespect.

[D]

Yeah, it's diabolical.

[B]

It smells like indoor blunts, though. But that could have just been there.

[D]

Might have been, like, two.

[A]

2 is crazy.

[B]

It's menor blondes. And you're lying to me about jacking off. The ultimate setup. And you're using my chair that I like.

[D]

I'm not jacking off in my chair.

[A]

Wait, you claim your chair. Time out. Time out. You claim zero jacks in the pool shack?

[B]

No pool shacks. Filled to the brim here. He's talking, bro.

[A]

He's got a big screen jack. You don't think there's been a big screen jack? Come on, man. Come on, bro. Soundbar. Grand slam. You know, just be honest, dude.

[D]

No jacks on the inside.

[A]

I've had, like, five big screen jacks here since he's been gone. I come over, I've been retting that couch out for the hour.

[B]

Oh, this was the craziest thing. I come home, my door, my bedroom door is locked from the inside. And I go, what? I was like, you didn't have any parties. Why is this door locked? And he's like, no, I never had anyone here. I locked that so that I wouldn't go in there. He locks the door to keep himself out of my room. How strong was the desire to get in There and just stare at my bed. What the are you doing?

[D]

I just didn't want, like. I just thought that would be the best way to, like, seal it and never, like, think about it again.

[A]

What do you think about it?

[B]

What do you think? You jacking off in my room?

[C]

No.

[B]

What are you up to?

[A]

Hold on. I do want to. I mean, very thoughtful, but, like, what was the.

[B]

He, like, nerd rushed to unlock it when I came home. He, like, nerd rushed to, like, a device he has over there to pop the lock. He knew. He knew exactly the chopstick to find.

[A]

Just get.

[C]

What.

[A]

What was. You didn't. You didn't think. You get like. You thought maybe you get drunk and, like. No, I thought, boss up in the bed.

[B]

Yeah, look at me. I'm doing all that.

[A]

I don't know. I got to fly out. Be out there.

[B]

No Netflix. What were you up to?

[A]

Let me talk to my people.

[D]

I was just in the office.

[A]

Hold on. Ride Fest. I got two good up and comers.

[B]

Yeah, you got some up and coming.

[A]

I'll send my openers.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

I mean, that is thoughtful. Not to.

[B]

No, to seal the door from yourself

[A]

so you can easily unlock.

[B]

And then he knows how to unlock it.

[D]

I learned the unlock trick from another door.

[A]

Did you give the key to the police?

[B]

No matter what I say, no matter what I say later, don't let me in that room. What?

[A]

What?

[B]

You got to explain to me your thought process, dude. I don't know. You actually don't know your thought?

[D]

No, I just did that as soon as I got here. I was like, nobody needs to go in here, and I locked the door.

[B]

But that's when I start saying nobody. As far as you told me you didn't have people here.

[D]

Yeah, I didn't really. I had Nathan showing here a couple times.

[B]

Now look at these dudes looking away. They can't even look. They can't even look me in the eyes. He's got friends coming over, hitting me up, saying, can I La Mer was cool if I stayed for a week? Got Dorian coming for a week, said the Deeds man. The Deeds. The Deeds meister coming in. It'll be me. Deeds Lair. The weirdest crew. These two watching anime every night.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

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[A]

Stacks.

[B]

Yeah, I like stacks.

[A]

I like a good stack.

[B]

I love stacks.

[A]

I like stacking those guys up.

[B]

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[A]

Sometimes I have an early payout. It's kind of, Sometimes I get an

[B]

early payout and it's so shameful. But all the fellows I stacked go, hey man, don't worry about it. It happens to all of us. I go, fellas, give me a second, I'm trying to reboot. They go, you, you can definitely boot again. Then I boot all over some guy's face. Prize picks is simple to play. You just pick more or less two to six players, stat projections. If you get picks right, you get cash in. Pick from all your favorite sports. Anything from basketball, baseball, hockey, ufc, soccer, college basketball, tennis, golf, esports, and more. And now prize picks has early payouts. Oh, if your player gets off to a hot start and you have to pop real quick, you can get an early payout. Now you have the option to cash out those winnings before the game even finishes. So download the prize packs app today and use code Drench to get 50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code Drench to get 50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks. That's great stuff, bro.

[A]

That is so funny.

[B]

Yeah, the squad is. What happened to you guys?

[A]

It was all the, right. Everything was chilling and you know, yeah,

[C]

I think we were doing great. It was just one, one riff. Just happened to be today.

[B]

Have I missed any riffs?

[C]

Because this is the biggest riff.

[B]

This moment is the biggest riff.

[C]

I think we, I was saying to Sean, actually the night we saw you, it was like the last time you came back, we were going through hell and you coming back was like, nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then this time it was like, it's still nice, but it was like,

[B]

oh shit, we don't even need him anymore. Huh?

[C]

What'd you say?

[B]

Now you're like, we don't even need him anymore. No, no, that's not what I was saying.

[C]

It just, it just wasn't, it was just a different it was just. I don't know. I just remembered the hell.

[B]

Lemaire told me you were the king of Austin.

[C]

I don't know why he would say that, though.

[B]

He. He told it and told me in complete sincerity because we were driving together, and I asked him. I was like, what's going on in Austin now? And he was like, nate's the king.

[C]

I would be pulled up to a

[B]

light yesterday, and there was a sticker of a guy's face, and he was like, is that Nate? He thought people were putting up murals of you. And I was like, no, you. Why the fuck would somebody draw Nate?

[C]

You can't be that. I gotta be making that up.

[B]

I promise.

[C]

You're still doing that bit from the other day.

[B]

I'm not doing a bit. Let me, please.

[D]

No, it's true.

[C]

You said I was the king of all. There's zero percent chance that.

[B]

Huh? He said you were the king now and that you're running it here.

[C]

Well, that's just. It's trying to make bad news for me. You don't mean that.

[B]

I think he was being totally serious. Unless he's as devious as.

[A]

Yeah, well, Mayor, what's. Can you back. What's what basis?

[D]

Oh, dude, he's just moving, right?

[A]

His king's moving. He's got motion.

[D]

He's making moves. He got some motion.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Dude, the bird's back.

[A]

Bird's back in the bud Light.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What?

[B]

Well, I'm glad they're back because Tommy reached his hand in there last night. It flew out and scared the. Out of him. He's like, he's a bat in there.

[A]

It's right there.

[B]

He's a good bird.

[A]

That's awesome. Dude. I got locked out of the. Two days ago, I was running the bathtub. It was me and Chloe. I'm like, all right. Bathtub's running. I'm like, going. And get other. And all of a sudden, it. It had been running for a minute. And, like, Chloe comes up to me. She's like, the door's locked. And was like, what door? She's like, to the bathroom. And I was like. With the bathtub running? She was like, yeah. I was like, how you. Did you lock the door? She's like, no. I'm like, you lying? She goes, yes, I'm very sorry. Are you mad at me?

[B]

That's how I live with the mayor, dude. I go, did you smoke a bun here? No. Are you lying? Yes, I'm lying. I might have had two buns. I'm really sorry.

[A]

Are you mad at me? I was, but I got there.

[B]

What did you do?

[A]

I, I. I was going to knock the door, like, through. I called Britney. I'm like, well, where's the keys for this? She's like, remember, it's this little screwdriver. You're the one who figured it out. And I was like, oh, where is that? And I, like, ran downstairs, got the little. It's like a little eyeglass screwdriver. And it popped it open, and I got in. It was like, dude, literally that far from overflowing, just ruining the floor. Yeah, I was scared. I was. I was like, myself.

[B]

Yeah. I would have been done. I would have started slamming my body.

[A]

I was this close. If I didn't call for the key, because I was, like, pushing down as hard as I could, and it was starting to, like, spin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In the thing, I was like, I'm have to shoulder the door down. She was like, what the. No.

[B]

Could have been sick.

[A]

That would have been tight. I could have easily kicked that thing in. So, yeah, it would have been cool. But, yeah, that was. I was myself. But, yeah, that's what happens, man. Doors get locked. There's no explanation. I asked her, I'm like, why did you do that? She was just like, she had a new, like, Barbie tool set. And she was like, I used my tools to lock it. I'm like, no, you just did your finger from the inside.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So maybe he uses tools. Maybe Lamar uses tools. And lock the door. Ah, the dude. The squad's already back. I can feel it. The rift. The rift has been mended. I can feel it.

[B]

Nate's going to the festival. It's settled. Come on, man.

[A]

You gotta hit the fest.

[B]

Nate, come on, man.

[C]

No,

[A]

that's great. Sean's gonna go.

[B]

Sean's gonna go.

[A]

I think Sean's gonna back out.

[B]

Sean cares about his craft. Yeah. I'm sorry.

[C]

Aren't you?

[B]

No. I would never do that to L. Who's. Who's. Who's your better friend out of Shawn and Nate now?

[D]

I don't know. Sam Talon's going to do the podcast on Saturday, so that'll be pretty cool.

[B]

That's a good answer.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Incredible answer.

[A]

He's become a politician since you've been gone. Yeah.

[B]

It's interesting you asked that. I'm just saying it's interesting. I haven't heard anyone talk about apac. That's interesting. I don't even think about apac.

[A]

Well, gosh darn it, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'll tell you what. I don't know, dude, I have. I've been getting a lot of pressure to get a different car. People get up my asses. I have a CRV.

[B]

CRVs are sick.

[A]

That's what I said. I'm like, it's a nice car. And they're like, dude, that's ridiculous. Like, what are you going to get next? I'm like, I. I don't CRV. I have a. It's 50, 000 miles, dude. I'm gonna rock the thing for a while. The only thing now I'm thinking is I'm getting peer pressure to get something. I might trick it out completely.

[B]

That be awesome.

[A]

Like kind of lowkey, but just like a matte black paint job or a wrap. I think a wrap's cheaper, dude.

[B]

Matte black on a CRV would be awesome. And nobody's done that.

[A]

I don't think anyone has matte black, like a. Almost military vehicle. I would get matte black insides completely torn out and everything sprayed with like a. An epoxy. Basically. I want a car that's like, completely waterproof surfaces that I can just take a leaf blower to and just blow everything out and just pick it up. So that might be. That might be the new whip.

[B]

I would support that. Tinted windows for sure.

[A]

I want it to look like, literally, a mirror. I'm gonna try to make it look like a very shitty cyber truck. Yeah, slam it down a little bit. Let's have have them do whatever they can do to the engine to, like, speed it up.

[B]

Those bumper stickers, that's like, I bought this before Elon Musk crv. What the this guy talking about?

[A]

That's actually a really good idea. Throw that on there. I bought this before.

[B]

Before Elon Musk was a fast.

[A]

Just filling it up at a gas station.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

Those. Those. I bought this before Elon. Bumper stickers are, I think, the pinnacle of like, Facebook or whatever. Like Instagram politics were just completely meaningless. Or you're like, why, why. Why are you doing this? Just get. If you. If you really hate the guy that much, sell the car. Put your fucking money where your mouth is. If you think he's truly like a despot, ruining the country. Evil billionaire. It's like trade in the motherfucking. Get something else. Yeah, get a Rivian bro crv.

[B]

Dude, it's time.

[A]

Get a fucking crv. Support Japan.

[B]

It is time to support Japan.

[A]

Japan's huge right now.

[B]

We're gonna need them.

[D]

Huh?

[A]

Has anyone ever. Has anyone even helped us?

[B]

No.

[A]

Whatever. Nobody's helped.

[B]

Actually, our Closest ally is helping the hell out, obviously.

[A]

Yeah, obviously.

[B]

Our closest ally.

[A]

Our only friend. America's only friend. Nobody else likes us.

[B]

The mayor's politics right now must. You must be feeling good, dude. The view is confident right now. The view is going. We told you.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You should have listened to us. How do you feel right now?

[D]

I just feel bad. He didn't do anything. He was going to say. Yeah, he said, yeah, that's what I feel bad about. There's so many upset people.

[A]

Yeah. People are mad to hurt people. People are mad. I wanna, I want him to take that straight of hermuse.

[B]

Yeah, I need that.

[A]

Yeah. What the hell, man?

[B]

I said I was going to open it on Monday.

[A]

You said you're gonna.

[B]

Yeah, I called it. I said, don't worry guys, I'm gonna open it.

[A]

You should open it.

[B]

I can't do about Iran's too bad. It turns out Iran's nasty.

[A]

I thought it was going to be like Venezuela part two. It's like, bro, I thought we were big and bad, dude. Get that straight. Open it up.

[B]

Open the straight. You'd think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a missile. You think they would have been like, all right, never mind. We don't want to with you guys. You blew up a 86 year old with a Tomahawk missile. It's so funny. We killed a old man with a missile. Dude.

[A]

I've been laughing how their leaders all look like evil wizards.

[B]

They are all evil.

[A]

There's also like giant long beards, like a black hat just got. It just got exploded in this house. I was reading about their like enriched uranium or whatever. You know, it's buried under like a deep mountain. It's like AN Evil like Dr. Evil Layer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And apparently they can, I guess from like the radioactive signature or whatever, they can like monitor it. Like almost like a thermal image where they're like, there it is. I don't know how true that. I don't believe anything because that's what I'm saying. It's like underneath a mountain.

[B]

I think the people telling us that are the ones going, no, they're really enriching that uranium. That's why we can see it.

[A]

Well, that's, that's the thing too.

[B]

It's like trying to blow them up.

[A]

Well, they also. We did this. We did the WMDs. We're like, dude, trust us.

[B]

But this time we're like, we got sensors that are actually picking up the wm. They've been telling us they're going to do this.

[A]

Well. And apparently so if they don't. If Iran doesn't just completely capitulate and be like, all right, here's all of our like nukes we've been building forever. We'd have to go a subterranean layer. Well, you'd have to go extract their stuff. Yeah, you have to go to a subterranean layer under. In an active war zone and just somehow transport giant radioactive barrels.

[B]

Be sick.

[A]

It's going to be the ultimate.

[B]

It's like the last level of a video game. It's like a really hard level.

[A]

They're going to need the ab. AB select start up, down, left, right for that. That's going to be a tough one.

[B]

Need that.

[A]

But I want straight or moves open now.

[B]

It needs to be open or muse.

[A]

Listen up. Her muse.

[B]

Yeah, open up, dude. You gotta open up drones at us. Yeah, that's annoying, dude.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Let's do what we do. Drones. More expensive, cooler drones.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I switch they'd listen to us and let us be the boss. They should listen to us.

[A]

I know. What the a problem?

[B]

Don't they know?

[A]

Apparently not.

[B]

Someone should have told them.

[A]

Apparently not. And then I've been watching the beef on Cuba. I always forget we're still blockading them as well.

[B]

Yeah, they shouldn't have done whatever they did, you know, I'm sick of them. Hey, man, Cuba better stop doing whatever they did to make us mad.

[A]

Yeah, I will. Save them for them from communism.

[B]

We'll come back to them.

[A]

Starve him out.

[B]

Do you hear your boy Trump on Cuba?

[A]

No, what he said.

[B]

He was like, I could take Cuba. I could do whatever I want to Cuba. And the reporter was like, what do you mean? He's like, I mean, I'll fucking take it if I want. Or maybe I'll turn it into a nice little vacation spot anyway.

[A]

God damn, brother. Yeah, dude, he's wilding out. I'm telling you, he's got it. We got to learn, dude. And just get like a 50 year old. We need a 50 year old bro as president. That's. That's prime president age. White walls, just new fucking fresh. Yeah, Gray sides.

[B]

Tommy Pope.

[A]

Yeah, we need Tommy Pope to be president. What? His press conference would be so nice. What? Guy's got hot dog water in his brains.

[B]

We're going to blow him up. Yeah. Cuba. I'm sick of Cuba, dude.

[A]

Yeah, man. I better get with the program.

[B]

Tired of Cuba. I need Greenland. Still don't we have Greenland. It's time for Denmark to give us Greenland. Yeah.

[A]

Didn't know Denmark had Greenland. That's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Piece of news. I didn't know.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think most people know that Greenland acts like it's independent. Well, they ain't.

[A]

Yeah. What the hell is that all about?

[B]

Shape up, dude.

[A]

They better always. People better take up before we turn. We better turn the world into our vacation spots. Pretty much kind of already is the case.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Now we just can't even go to them because we'll get beheaded.

[A]

I know. I know.

[B]

You go to any of the vacation spots.

[A]

I'll tell you what, though. The ride a comedy fest bag next year is going to be fat. Now it's war zone. Plus negative comments.

[B]

They're going to get me next week and I'm getting my head cut off right away.

[A]

The bag for. The bag for. That's going to be so nice.

[B]

I'm getting punched right when I get there. We heard what you said about me.

[A]

Their next flyer is going to be your head in like a wooden box featuring the evil traitor Shane Gillis. The very sorry traitor Shane Gillis, the coward. Yeah, no, that's. I'm excited to see. That'll be cool.

[B]

The bag.

[A]

Yeah, the bag on.

[B]

That's going to be Saudi bag would

[A]

be nutty, dude, for next year in the war zone.

[B]

Unless Iran keeps winning. Oh, dude, that might be Iran by next year.

[A]

Did I rank.

[B]

Iran might expand at this rate. Dude, they are up. I think they killed like six guys.

[A]

Did they?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

They're going nuts.

[A]

Well, I've been trying to figure out because I've been trying to, like, who's

[B]

fired 20, 000 drones and hit like four guys. And we're like, we can't with these guys. They're too strong.

[A]

That's what I've been trying to figure out because all the news is like, disaster, disaster. Trump spinning out. It's over. And, you know, I'm trying to keep like a 360 view of, like. I don't want to get caught up on either side of the propaganda. But it's like, bro, like, give me something. Like, is it.

[B]

I don't know anything that's happening.

[A]

No, I can't. I literally can't get a read on it.

[B]

I just know I need Cuba soon.

[A]

I just talked to Grock all day. I just.

[B]

What's Croc saying about it?

[A]

He's.

[B]

That's wrong about everything.

[A]

Yeah. Grox. Grox would help me with, like, with my garden.

[B]

Never even puts girls in bikinis when people ask him to what is it?

[A]

What's Grog do?

[B]

Never does it. I'm always checking. I go, did Grog do it? No. Someone always takes a hot picture. Someone goes, grock, put her in this outfit. It's like a thong. Never does it.

[A]

It's like, no, thank you.

[B]

Yeah. It just doesn't do anything. Yeah, Grok. I hope Grock gets hit with a bazooka. I hope, I hope Iran gets Grock with a bazooka.

[A]

Yeah, that'd be terrible. Well, Musk is going to pay for the TSA guys.

[B]

That'd be sick. Yeah, also I went, I flew this weekend, tsa. Not one person was in line. It was great.

[A]

Yeah, well, that, what they do is they take the. All the videos are at like 7:00am, 6:30, when it's like prime time flying. So I went to Austin, the one when they had like the news cameras there, because it was like a line all the way outside. And dude, it took me. I was. Yes. First of all, they're like, TSA Precheck's not open. It's been open everywhere.

[B]

Everyone.

[A]

Yeah, and I was outside. It took like 30 minutes. I got right through. But yeah, it was funny. There was a guy behind me. We were like, outside. It's early in the morning and like, you know, there's like, when it's real crowded, they hold it. There's like a lady with an orange flag and you gotta like find that person and stand there.

[B]

That's like, this is on you for taking these early ass flights.

[A]

I like to get my nap. I like to get there. And I fly a day of. And it's like, I'm flying. Yeah. When they say, you gotta get here the day before, I'm like, man, get the fuck outta here.

[B]

That's ridiculous.

[A]

It's crazy. But I fly early and it's. It's not even bad. I get there an hour, hour and a half early. Like, I'm chilling. But there was the ladies holding the flag. I find the flag lady and I'm like, all right, lines here. And I saw this guy, I think it was a Disney adult. He had the Disney backpack. He just stands, he goes in line and then he just stands like shoulder to shoulder with me and then inches forward. And dude, there's. We're outside of the airport waiting to get in. I'm looking at him like, bro, you

[B]

get there before the airport's open.

[A]

No, I'm saying like, you're not. The lines.

[B]

Went outside.

[A]

Went outside.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

But it looks bad on the news.

[B]

I'd Be going home.

[A]

It's not that, dude. It was 30 minutes all said and done, and the guy's like, shoulder to shoulder, creeps in front of me. And I'm like, yo, bro, where. Where you going, man? He was like, oh, I'm just getting in line. I'm like, bro, I'm the back of the line. He was like, my flight's at 7 o'. Clock. It's boarding now.

[B]

Trying to butt in front of one person.

[A]

Trying to butt in front of one person. And I was like, dude, like, I was like, if it makes you feel better since you're late, you can get in front of me, but you gotta go beg for mercy at the very front. Just go cry to them and tell them your flight's boarding. That's your only hope. Because he was like, you think I'll make it? I was like, no, you're not gonna make it. You're not gonna make it. He was just sitting there whole time, like, tapping and tapping. Finally, finally, he took my advice and went to the tsa, like, whatever, faceless idea. And he. They were like, go ahead, man, just let them through. He was just like, stimming out. Where the.

[B]

Do you think that guy had to go? You have a Disney book bag on. You have nowhere to go?

[A]

Nowhere.

[B]

No. Oh, you have an important business meeting, dude.

[A]

He was just. My flight's boarding. Yeah, so my flight's boarding right now. I was like, yeah, you can't show up when your flight's boarding on a Friday at 7, 6:30am Move it.

[B]

Yeah, I got in. A couple of the ice agents said, what up?

[A]

You saw the ice agents?

[B]

No pictures, fellas, please, no pictures.

[A]

Give me a picture.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

Letting your chain hold the gun at the. At the airport, they would.

[B]

The guy was like, yo, I went to your high school. I was like, sick. What up? Please no picture. Please don't ask. Please don't ask.

[A]

I know, I want to see him. I got. I. I get to fly next week. I want to. I want to see. I wanted to see. Like, I took two weeks off and I'm like, damn. I wanted to see. Those guys in the airport should have hassled them.

[B]

Like, the people on the Internet are doing true Walk up and go, yeah, you race trader.

[A]

Kill me.

[B]

So crazy.

[A]

I know

[B]

there's a funny guy who's going to Mexico on vacation. And he goes up to the ice agents and he's like, do you guys think you could get me there quicker? And the ice agents crack up at his joke. That's awesome.

[A]

That is all. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. How much time were you spending each month trying to manage your finances before Rocket Money? And what do you do with that extra time now? You don't want to know what I do with that extra extra time now, but I got a lot of it. Ever since I've been using Rocket Money. I love that. Dude, these, these prompts are just sparking my own story right now. Oh, I was spending hours just trying to figure out how to manage my finances and then getting money came along and that time freed up and I became very active in a, we'll just say, a certain community that, you know, I brought my wife into. And we, you know, we just, we just play a lot and it's, you know, it's gotten, it's kind of a little complicated because, you know, when you, when you join certain communities and, you know, open your relationship up to certain things, you cross certain boundaries. But I'm not, look, I'm not going to get into that. Guys, guys, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. It monitors your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I mean, if I had to describe something that I love about Rocket Money, it's. I would describe how Rocket Money has tracked subscriptions and how it has the ability to cancel within the app with a few taps, saving time, which, guys, I can't get enough of it these days. And avoiding charges, that is. Oh, it's the best. There's also, I mean, the app also consolidates checking, savings, loans and investments into a single dashboard to give users like myself a clear view of, of their financial picture, which I have now entered into some sort of financial dominant. But, like, look, let's not talk about that. That's just, it's freed me up to now follow my, you know, true pursuits, which are heavy, heavy kink. Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. [e-mail] MSSP that's RocketMoney.com MSSP RocketMoney.com MSSP Guys, I gotta say it again. That's RocketMoney.com MSSB RocketMoney.com MSSP this episode is brought to you by Shopify. Part of what makes online shopping so great is that you don't have to leave your couch. So it can be frustrating when you have to find exactly what you want. You're ready to check out, then you realize you need to go hunt down your wallet. That's what makes shopify so great. They're all about improving the experience for everyone. For customers, that means including the purple pay button to make checking out simple. Literally, just one tap is all it takes for business owners like you. Shopify can get you set up with that pay button and more. They can help you design your website, write product descriptions, market those products, and manage inventory and payments. Everything you need is all in one place. So join the millions of businesses already using Shopify to make their business thrive, like Aviator Nation or even Mattel. So less carts go abandoned, more sales with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com matt and shane that's shopify.com mattandshane awesome. I. I said it before, man. My personal politics is whatever it takes to move the lines at the airport, I don't care. Yeah, you can put anybody there. I'd be like, yo, go for it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You put Iran guy airport. I'd be like, let's go, boys. You know what? You guys should have enriched uranium. I don't give a. Let me through this scanner right now. I'm a one issue voter. I'm airport lines. That's it. It's all I care about. Speed it up by five minutes. You got my vote.

[B]

I swear to God I am. That's, like, true.

[A]

So that's all I care about. That's the one thing I'm like, no, for real, guys, we got to figure this out.

[B]

It is.

[A]

They don't stop arguing and just. Just both parties should go, all right, let's, like, take TSA out of our big, giant packages of deals and just both say yes to funding tsa.

[B]

How have you let nature just destroy our backyard? A squirrel was yelling at us when we walked in. Nature's on our house, dude. He was in a tree and he wouldn't budge. He was just gone. He's barking at Lemaire.

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

It was. It was a very adorable squirrel. I was scared of him. I thought he was gonna jump down on us because I've never seen a squirrel do that. He stood his ground on us.

[A]

What noise was he making?

[B]

He, like, barked.

[D]

Yeah, it was like a squirrel bark.

[A]

What's funny? Because they. They rarely are rabid, I think. I don't think. I was like, I don't think rodents get rabies like that.

[B]

They was just defending his.

[A]

Might have been true. That's crazy.

[D]

Might have been babies up there. Might have been squirrel.

[B]

You know, he's like, this bear is gonna try to eat my can climb, too. He's gonna climb up here.

[D]

I just.

[A]

I just.

[D]

I just made sure nothing was, like, touched. I tried to. At least.

[B]

You did a great job.

[A]

Yeah. He was guarding. He was guarding the portal, dude.

[B]

He did. I have the ring camera. I got to see. That's the only time I talked to him. What are you doing? Where are you going? On the creek? Playing. Playing board games at the creek? Yeah. All right.

[A]

Dude, they got Lair hooping. They got Lamar hooping on.

[B]

I did see Lamar hooping on there, and I said, all right, maybe he would score a bucket. Yeah, he had a nice layup.

[A]

I was like, oh, yeah, man.

[B]

Deceptive.

[A]

I did. I played pickup basketball two days ago. I still have a headache.

[B]

But then I did go to the gym with Lamar yesterday, and you're not getting more than two points. You're gonna be so gassed.

[D]

I'll hustle.

[A]

Lamar said he could beat me in a race. While you were going, Lamar for real was like, no, seriously, I could beat you. I was like, lamar, that's not even. That's. You're. You're just lying. That's crazy.

[B]

Why did you say that?

[D]

I don't know. I was having fun.

[B]

All right, that's fair. You believed it. How drunk were you when you made the claim?

[A]

Middle of the day. It was like, 10:30am I don't know how it came up.

[B]

10:30, huh? What the was he doing at 10:30?

[A]

I might have been doing an early cast. Might have been noon, though. Actually, noon at noon. I think high noon. He looked me in the eyes like I could beat you in a race. Why are you doing that?

[B]

Do you think you could beat Nate in a race?

[A]

That's a good question.

[D]

I think it could be made in the race. Yeah.

[A]

How about you guys race to Houston?

[B]

The winner gets $48 and gets to bomb for an hour in front of 12 guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That are just gonna go. Me, the mayor.

[A]

They go on red and go. I saw him. He sucked him.

[B]

I saw him. Sucks. Piece of.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

I'll tell you what, man.

[B]

Yeah, it's good to be back.

[A]

Yeah, it's good times, right in time for summer, too.

[B]

It's good to be back. Although I don't have a vehicle right now, so I'm. I'm at the mercy of the m. Please give me a ride, bro. Please.

[A]

You're in the Me Sades.

[B]

I am in the Mead.

[A]

Dang. Where's your vehicle? Getting transported down.

[B]

Yeah, that's what's up.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Until then, I'm at the mercy of the man.

[A]

Go horse. Go horseback.

[B]

Mercy maze. What do you. What time do you leave for Houston tomorrow?

[A]

Two.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I think my vehicle is coming tomorrow. I need someone here. Nate, you're not doing anything. You want to chill?

[C]

Yeah, I can be here.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Nice. Hell, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I'm trying to think. Didn't really do anything. Yeah. Stung by the wasp was big.

[A]

Stung by the wasp.

[B]

That hasn't happened to me in years.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

I forgot how bad that hurts.

[A]

Dude, you want to cry?

[B]

And I was mad at the wa. I was like, what the. What's the point of it? Still hurting?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and wash defense. Like, it's to get you away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then. Then I thought about more, and it does work. I was scared to walk over there.

[A]

Oh, for sure.

[B]

I don't want to go back over to that side of my house.

[A]

We got it after this pain. Let's go. Take care of that when we're done.

[B]

I'd like that. But, yeah, it's. You'll see. The nest is that big. It's literally.

[A]

It's one. One cell.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is there. Is it inside the outlet or in

[B]

the COVID It's inside the COVID Oh, we got that.

[A]

Oh, we gotta lift it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So we need one person with a broomstick to lift it up.

[B]

That thing was. Yeah, he. I woke him up last night. I opened it and stuck my hand. I could hear it.

[A]

I heard a noise, and I don't

[B]

think it was a wasp. I would imagine.

[A]

Probably. They don't lose their stinger either. So that guy's still alive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They don't, like, sting you and die.

[B]

I got hit with elbow zooka.

[A]

That. I had an ankle. I had a bee land on my ankle. I was outside working out, and it landed on my ankle. I thought it was, like, a big fly, and I was like, off me. I, like, got it off. It was on there for, like, five seconds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Came and landed on my other ankle for five more seconds. And I was like. I saw it was a bee. I was like, what the. Just a beat. No. It didn't even sting me.

[B]

All right.

[A]

It was crazy nice. Yeah. I was like. I was kind of scared, though. I was kind of like, damn. The other thing could have got me.

[B]

I was already afraid of these wasps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They dominate my pool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Drink out of it. They. They're always there now. I'm really scared of them now that I felt their wrath. It's not a tip of my pinky. That thing would have killed anywhere else. You get that on, like, a shoulder or your belly or something that would kill.

[A]

Ah, just like. It's like tattoo logic. Wherever a tattoo would hurt.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

A belly sting. You think a belly sting would be better, though?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I feel like. Like the bone elbow would hurt. Dude. I got stung. Literally the same spot right in the finger. It hurts so bad.

[B]

I was trying to sleep and it kept hurting randomly. It would just feel like I got stung again. Like, why? I'm gonna kill those.

[A]

I told you. But last summer when I got stung, it was late summer when they get all like, we weird and, like, old. It just came down from a tree, landed on my finger, stung, and flew away. And I was like, what the. I wasn't even near the nest. Just stung me and I. I literally was like. I was like this, walking, holding my finger, like, ow. That's when I. There was the Mexican sweet boy at the restaurant I was at. I'd ordered stuff to go, and I, like, it was like, dude, just be cool. As soon as he looked at me, I was like, this. Got stung by a wasp.

[B]

Of course. You got to tell something, tell everybody.

[A]

I had to tell a trusted adult. I was like, I got hurt. I got hurt, Right?

[B]

You're never going to believe what just happened. You know, the scariest bugs. It attacked me.

[A]

Yeah, man. He had. He's. He had. He had very kind eyes. And I was just kind of like, I got to tell you, I got sweet boy. Did. Yeah. Very kind eyes. It's like I got. I got to tell you something, brother. Yeah. Want to. You put a. She would have like a cold horchata on me. Cold horata on my finger. That have been nice. I needed his milk on me. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Growing up to help with the better. What'd you have to learn about money growing up? Any financial stress you experienced personally?

[B]

Yeah, I just never had it. Yeah, I didn't really. I wasn't stressed about it.

[A]

True. You ain't worried about it?

[B]

I ain't worried about it.

[A]

Yeah. I had my problem growing up was mo money, mo problems, man. Had too many damn problems.

[B]

No, I was pretty stressed about it when I. When Once you get a little older.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was grown up when I started getting stressed about money when I was a young man, I. The only thing I was. I was stressed. I would steal quarters from my parents to get choco tacos when the ice cream truck came by.

[A]

That's stress.

[B]

And that was stressful because you go, I'm not I'm not gonna these guys over and give them nickels. Yeah, I remember find all the quarters.

[A]

I remember just having a bunch of, like, tens and fives that smelled like weed and I'd have to take them to the bank. That's stress.

[B]

That is stressful.

[A]

Being like, please don't smell these bills

[B]

is better help. Talking about money now.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

I thought that might mean.

[A]

When we talk money, I'm always reminded of a moment when I felt stressed and overwhelmed. Time I was struggling to pay the rent. When tax season rolls around. Yeah, I mean, money's stressful. Hey, guys, Our relationship with money can be weird and not always good. You're feeling the stress, you're not alone. And guess what? There's something you can do. Try therapy with better help. Yeah, they can't solve your financial woes. They can help you better manage the anxiety that comes with it. Better helps Fully licensed therapists have served millions of people around the world, changing their relationship with money, other people, even themselves. Because everything is entirely online, it's easier to get the support you need when you need it.

[B]

That's not good. That's not a good sign. It's a weird angle for the economy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hey, it's not a good sign.

[A]

Yeah. Are you sad and, hey, fucked right now?

[B]

Strange financially.

[A]

Yeah. This is a bad. Guys. When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help. Sign up and get 10 [e-mail] MSSP that's better. H-E-L-P.com MSSP okay,

[B]

April 17, I'll be in Nashville. The 18th, I'll be in Charlotte. Monday, May 4, I'll be at the Hollywood bowl in LA. So Monday, you're like, it's crazy. Thursday, I'll be Thursday. Friday, Saturday, May 7th, 8th and 9th, I'll be in Boston and July 17th at the Link. And there's a few shows. There's a couple tickets left for that. Get on it.

[A]

Hell yeah, guys. Four, ten. April 10th, I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota. The day after that, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa. And then, like I was talking about celebrity theater. Phoenix, Arizona, then Tucson. And I'll be in Toronto. Five, 15, I think I have two shows. I think they're both sold out. Might add a third.

[B]

Okay, Toronto rules.

[A]

Toronto does seem sick. I might add a third, but I don't know. Hopefully I just want to do too. I don't know.

[B]

Doesn't have bums.

[A]

It doesn't?

[B]

No.

[A]

They're in Waterloo and then Chicago. 5, 16, Riviera Theater and also be at the Mothership all of this weekend, Friday, Saturday, and I think. I think only Sunday and late Saturdays left. So please come.

[B]

Thank you. Oh, and you can catch Nate at the comedy festival tomorrow. Goodbye. Yeah.

[A]

Damn. Other. Other than that, dude, I. I've been all business, man. I've been down here, just even strictly biz. Strictly bit. Strictly business. Strictly business.

[B]

You have been strictly biz.

[A]

Strictly biz, man. I just been, like, working out and doing stuff and not sleeping. It's been tight.

[B]

Yeah. Was just doing tires. Yeah, that was it.

[A]

Heard that. That was it. Just global. Global conflict.

[B]

Global conflict that I know nothing about and then doing tires, dude.

[A]

I'm telling you, though, B ball. I think my toenail is going to fall off. Don't you stop. Real hard to choose. I think I'm gonna lose my left toenail, dude. I played five games and I. I feel. I felt like I've had a fever for two days. I felt. The next morning I woke up and I was telling Brittany. I was like, not even sore, man. I must be in shape. I've been working out and, like, by noon, I was like, why is my head hurt so bad? I laid down for, like, three hours, went to bed. I still feel up today.

[B]

Yeah, it was nice. I was going to bed last night. I was like, why the. Am I so tired? I was like, oh, yeah. I worked out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For the first time in forever.

[A]

Yeah. What's the protocol?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

What was the workout protocol?

[B]

It was nothing. I literally went there to sauna and cold plunge.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

But I. Then we. I lifted a little.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

It was nice. What were you smiling at? And then got in and go, I'm not doing a cold plunge. Did the sauna and left.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I stared at the cold plunge, put my hand in it. I was like, I just don't know. I don't have it today, boys.

[A]

That's true. That's true. I've. I've acclimated to it now where I can pop in.

[B]

I. I used to be.

[A]

You were. You were cold plunge, kid.

[B]

Cold plunge.

[A]

I was cold plunge, baby. I couldn't do it. Now I can. I can sit in there for three minutes and just kind of like. I got into Barton Springs recently. Felt like nothing.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

It was. I was like, dude, I've.

[B]

I got.

[A]

Dude, I don't know what's up with the diving board there. I try to do a backflip. Dude, the diving board's up. It just, you know, when you're on a trampoline with someone and they steal your bounce and you don't go up at all, I try to do a backflip off it.

[B]

My.

[A]

I don't know what happened. The board stole my bounce, so I just, like, didn't get any air and just went.

[B]

A bunch of people there?

[A]

Yeah, dude. My legs whipped as hard as they could go, and as water shot up my nose, I landed on my face and water shot up my nose.

[B]

Oh, that's not good, dude.

[A]

You know when you, like. Like, you get in, like, almost like an accident, it takes a second. Like, what the happened? I got out of the water, like.

[B]

And you're trying to show out for.

[A]

Trying to show out. Trying to show out.

[B]

Have you ever seen titties there?

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, rumors. Titties are there.

[A]

I did see Aster. I. I saw titties that got the nipples removed when I was there. And actually, to be there wasn't a ton of people there, I went early. So I had. When you were like, two days ago, I had Corey Hider on, the guy from Instagram, goes through all the houses or whatever, and so I took him down there, and so we saw that. First of all, he saw my backflip. It was trash. And then I go down and we see the. Like, I was telling him, I'm like, yo, sometimes there's, like, titties here. Walk. There are titties, but there's no nipple. I don't know what was going on with them. I was just like, oh. And, you know, so then, you know, we're getting out and we go to the locker room, and I was like, before we walk in, I'm like, well,

[B]

I had to get.

[A]

I had warm clothes. I had to get changed out. But, dude, so. And I thought there'd be, like, dressing stalls in there. So, like, we're walking in, I'm like, you know, James, Ah, no, no, no. I didn't get naked. I didn't get naked. But when I brought him in, I was like, dude, this is another thing I love down here. When you go into these bathrooms. I was trying about to say, like, there's no ceiling. A lot of the times you're like, it's the sky, but you're in the bathroom. I'm like, bro, I love the bathrooms. And we turn a corner, just a glistening hog. And I, like, I didn't finish my sentence.

[B]

Like, dude, I love about.

[A]

I walk in, it's just a dude rinsing off. And, like, I think he was bricked Honestly, it was like a bricked up hog. And then the guy just talking this close to him while he's showering. And the dude, Corey was. We just both went silent, just staring straight ahead. And like, as soon as he, like, went, I was like, almost, dude. I almost just walked out. I almost turned around and then I got walked to an emergency exit. And it was like in a dead end. We both just do. We both just stood there. And I was like, dude, I didn't know that guy was going to be there. I didn't know that guy was going to be there. He's like, dude, chill. I'll go to the stall. I'll get changed. I was like, what the fuck are we going to do? We can't get naked with each other. And he's like, I'll go to the bathroom stall. And I was like, all right, cool. He was like, dude, that guy's bricked up for real.

[B]

That guy was crazy.

[A]

We, like giggle and walk back and he goes in the stall, he's changed. And I just. I turned and gave the guy bricked up guy. But I just turned. I just.

[B]

I just showed him my.

[A]

I showed him my ass because I was like, I can't, dude, it's. Oh, dude. I'm not gonna give him tenus, dude.

[B]

Although that could have been naked in there.

[A]

I was. Well, he was. He had hog out. And I was gonna do like, dressed because I gave the stalled, obviously to the guests. I'm like, yeah, I don't. I'll handle the streets out here. So then I'm like, you go in. And then I was like. I felt kind of like a. Getting dressed under my towel when the guy was presenting hog. So I just presented my strong suit, which is my cake. So I. I presented because I was like fully shrimped out. So I was like, I'm gonna show him my cake, bro.

[B]

Like, that'll shrimp you out, dude.

[A]

I was shrimp from the water.

[B]

You see a monster hog like that

[A]

I couldn't present, dude. I was. He was having a conversation. Glistening hog in the sun.

[B]

Like, do you remember what he was talking about?

[A]

I. Dude, I could. It was like a flashback. It was just like. So he was. It was probably like a city employee. I think that's. That's. He struck me as like a guy when you go get like a construction permit. He's like, I don't know, man. I don't know. He struck me as one of those guys.

[B]

I thought he was total composure. Sounded like a homosexual, man.

[A]

I. Very high probability. Yeah. Very high probability, actually. So. But then I did have a palate cleanser. So then I, you know, I got, I got my clothes on, you know, I abandoned the towel. I was partially a man in the locker room. But I did show ass. And then I turned around Corey, I'm like, I'm dressed. Corey comes out, he's dressed. And we turned around. There's an old man who had walked in. I was like, oh, no, dude, we got another incoming hug, bro. Is inverted. And that was like a palate cleanser for me. I was like, all right, here we go. We got like an old inverted tinas. A glistening Mexican hog. By then he had pulled on the briefs. Thank God, dude. The guy like close talked him the whole time he was showering.

[B]

It was so funny.

[A]

It was crazy, dude. I've never been in the locker room before. Barton Springs.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was like, I would imagine that is definitely a hot spot, bro.

[A]

I. I kind of put that together. I got there, I went, oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because the bros were happy in there. The bros were in there. Chipper as could be.

[B]

Everyone in there has a Ukraine flag in their front.

[A]

Yeah, every single one of them. I just, I felt so bad to be like, this is one of my favorite things to have down here. We turn a corner, like, oh, God damn it, dude.

[B]

It was.

[A]

I mean, you know when you like, you know when you just fall from being completely bricked up and you're like getting a shower and you check yourself in the mirror and you go, yeah, it pretty much is.

[B]

Pretty much is like this all the time.

[A]

That's what he presented. It was like a flawless, flaccid presentation. I got to give it to the guy. It was the best circ'd up, I believe. So I kind of averted my eyes pretty quickly, but I. I'm pretty sure I. I would have registered if it was on, cuz that would have been another factor that haunted my dreams. Yeah, yeah, I think it was just like a. Yeah, that was. Corey was like, bro, that was like a health class. I thought I was in health class. It was just weird dongs all around and the close talking while naked. I'll never understand.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

And it was clothed male. Nude male too. One guy was fully clothed, just sitting there like, yeah, dude. So anyway.

[B]

Yeah, you can't do that.

[A]

No, it was, that was. That was a shocker. And I got out like 65 degree water. So I'm like, that was. That was the big question. We were like, how the is that guy presenting like that? We just Got out of the chili water.

[B]

They might have just got out of something else.

[A]

True. Could have been. That's what I was thinking about. Like, that'd be so sick to be gay and just be like, watching dudes swim for an hour. You get out everyone's dicks around. That must be so sick. You know what I'm saying? I'd be like, if you swam, it was just babes. Then you just go to get changes.

[B]

Yeah, but then if you go in the locker room and you glance, there's a. There's a chance you get beat to death, you know? What do you mean by a homophobic man?

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

You know, he had numbers, bro. Scope and dongs, they had numbers. They are running a risk is what I'm saying.

[A]

Oh, for sure, for sure.

[B]

Down Texas way.

[A]

But in that locker room, they're safe there. They had absolute numbers. If I had been like, what the. I would have gotten probably slapped to death.

[B]

Death by a thousand steps. He died by.

[A]

But that was fun. That was. That was still, though, that was a funny moment.

[B]

Mexican beat him to death.

[A]

I would have came back just mushroom tatted up. Just whipped me with his giant hog. Had Brittany nurse my mushroom tats.

[B]

The tip of the.

[A]

The gloves, it'd be too big. She'd be like, did you get slapped by a glass? I'm like, dude, he was kind of bricked. It was actually hard. How did he whip you if he was bricked? Be like, it just settled. I swear to God. Just settled.

[B]

He brought his hips with him. He's

[A]

the dick gods just pulled the bone out of it. They are. But there are some big fish down there, though. In the barn creek. I had my goggles on. I was down.

[B]

So jealous of everyone, bro.

[A]

I had the gogs and I was. Dude, there was like four or five big fish down there. I was very pumped.

[B]

You should start fishing down there and get beat up by the sissies.

[A]

Oh, the sissies.

[B]

Would you up the sissies and the. Yeah, they.

[A]

You. They would. They would scream at you. Also, dudes, people just swim into you if you're not like doing like full laps and just kind of like chilling in the water. You got like literally swam into by a guy just bulldoze, right? And he was like. And like, he didn't say anything. And then the dude, Corey was like, God damn, what the hell? And he's like, oh, I'm sorry about that. And just kept. Kept going. He's backstroke and just right into him.

[B]

I don't like that.

[A]

I should have caught A ride. I should have jumped on him. Yeah, I get. I get barnacle. But yeah, Barton Springs is. I think it's the best place. Rules. All things considered. I'll just drive home my wet bathing suit next time.

[B]

Yeah, you have to.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why it was like chili. I was like, you know, let me. Let me be considerate. I don't want to sign a guy up to be chilly and wet. I didn't feel like that would be a very hospitable thing to do. Being chilly and wet sucks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I. I do it. I do the cold plunge at my gym, and then I just drive home. I've been doing natural reheat. No sauna. You just get out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And just head back. And I drive when I use. That's why I always bring.

[B]

Feels really good. I'm always cold for, like, the rest of the day.

[A]

You're cold for a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you do it all the time, your body. Like, I now, I. I would get so cold that I'd be actually scared. I would drive and be like, dude, for real. I'm like, I'm getting lightheaded. This is up. Your body adapts quick. Now I can just kind of drive home. No big deal. But it's like, that's why I was like, I don't want to sign someone up because I did a lot of wet, cold drives home. So I'm like, I can't put that on somebody. Not a civilian, in terms of this cold water game.

[B]

No, can't do that. I'm back to civilian status.

[A]

You got. You'll get it right back.

[B]

I know. I gotta get in there, get it right. I couldn't even get my pool yesterday. It's too chilly.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I've lost my. Ah.

[A]

That'll put some lead in your pencil.

[B]

I need it.

[A]

That'll put some lead in that cold water, bro. That'll put some lead. They'll put some number two graphite right back in the pencil.

[B]

I'm back to drinking, though. I'm excited about that.

[A]

That's nice.

[B]

Yeah. As soon as I got back to Austin, directly back to a terrible schedule, no changes, I was so excited. I was like, this is great not drinking.

[A]

So great. Feel great.

[B]

As soon as I get back. Yeah, I'll go out tonight. It. Austin's fun. It's nice out.

[A]

It is fun. There's something about the sun in the summer here. It's very hard to not drink.

[B]

I. I still got to get a boat trip. Yeah. Excited about that never been.

[A]

I've still. I've been on. I've been on one. It was like shitty and cold Christmas lights. It was a Christmas light.

[B]

You're gonna love it.

[A]

I bet it'd be nice. I love. I'm a. Yeah. You put me on the water, bro.

[B]

Change. Yeah. It's very fun. Yeah. People lose their minds at sea. Yeah. These guys. You guys went nuts last time we were at sea swimming. All of a sudden you thought you could swim. You got drunk and confident.

[C]

I threw one.

[B]

He's gonna die. Yeah. For real. Keep an eye on him because he cannot swim.

[C]

The safety vest, though.

[B]

Yeah. Still. Yeah. I didn't like it. I want to be back on board.

[A]

Your ass floats

[B]

straight. Yeah.

[C]

I was top and bottom buoyant. It was. I was. It was flawless.

[B]

You're what?

[C]

Top and bottom buoyant. I think I use that word, right?

[A]

I think so, yeah. Something sounds fine.

[B]

I said top and bottom and. Boy, I was gonna call you gay again. You seem less zesty. Is that why he's become the king? Or is he still.

[A]

You had to go to the zesty underworld. Now he became straight king.

[C]

Yeah, Straight king now.

[D]

It doesn't bother us anymore. He's just super zesty. We just let him be.

[C]

That's how you know Lemaire's mad at me.

[A]

Well, I can't. I. And again, I get it. You guys have reservations about it. I think it's totally innocent. The project. I try to give him the black swim club as an idea. I think it'd be. You guys could be defying stereotypes. It's you two in the pool. You bring another black comic over, you just chop it up, talk about whatever. Then all three.

[B]

Honestly, that'd be a really swim on camera, funny ass podcast.

[A]

I know, man. And they won't do it.

[B]

None of you can.

[A]

Million dollar idea.

[B]

Just try to talk while you're doggy paddling with your ass in the air.

[A]

I think what can't be.

[B]

It can't lose.

[C]

We can't lose anybody, though.

[A]

We have white lifeguards.

[B]

Yeah. We will have the whites. No.

[C]

I don't trust y' all to not watch us drown.

[B]

We're gonna let you drown a little now. We take water very seriously.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I was genuinely concerned for you.

[A]

I. I had it.

[C]

We had the. We had the big, like, floating. It was. It wasn't a floating bed, but that floating thing. We were safe. We were safe.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Tommy was teaching us how to swim.

[B]

Tommy was blacked out.

[C]

I know.

[B]

That was My favorite part, like, oh, yeah, you got it. Swim.

[C]

He's trying to give me the. Take the life.

[B]

Swim out of the middle of the river. I was like, dude, he can't swim. He needs to be able to hold on to the boat. He gets in like a little kid, though. It's so funny to get him in. To try to get him in the water. He's like,

[A]

give me up.

[C]

It was scary until the bruise hit. Did I did it?

[A]

Yeah. No, it's scary. You never know what's in there. How. How deep do you think that is out there?

[B]

It's pretty deep.

[A]

Think.

[B]

No, it's gotta be more than 10.

[A]

Yeah, bro. Okay.

[B]

Oh, you. You do have a good. Got a good depth finder in your brain. Yeah.

[A]

What was telling you was about 10ft.

[B]

What was. Nothing really. That's just my.

[A]

Just fisherman. Just fisherman's intuition.

[B]

Yeah. I couldn't feel the bottom, so I just guessed 10ft. We were kind of close to the shore, so.

[A]

Okay, that makes sense.

[B]

I get scared when I can't touch the bottom. I think you're not touching the bottom. Spooky.

[A]

Barton. There's parts of the Barton. I swear to God. Must be like 20ft down. There it goes. That place goes like. It's close to there. Yeah. Yeah, super far. So who knows, dude? Out in the middle of Lake Austin,

[B]

not touching the bottom, scary. Touching the bottom, scary too. Yeah. Step in the, like, mud and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Whatever the that is.

[A]

Yeah, I got. I got. I got caught in that, like, sea grass stuff. You ever play the Ninja Turtles game for Nintendo? The second level, when you're in the water and there's a electric sea grass. That's all I could think of. I touched it.

[B]

I was like, ah, it is spooky.

[A]

I felt it.

[B]

I was like, oh, moves. You go, there's something in there. It's a giant snake.

[A]

Yeah, I was. I was thinking about when the grass hit me. All I could think about was water snakes. I was like, bro, if I get a. The water moccasin, they'll get you. You get by, you hit a nest, man, they'll kill. It'll kill you.

[D]

Barton Springs is 18ft. The lake is 75ft.

[B]

Okay, Lake Austin.

[A]

I was close.

[B]

Damn. Yeah.

[A]

Dang, that's deep as hell.

[B]

Damn. I haven't been gone for a while and we still have no steam. I mean, you'd think we'd have a lot of stories.

[A]

We got steam. Steams. We were just steaming.

[B]

Yeah, steaming right along. We were as if we never left.

[A]

No, we Were steaming for like 30 minutes. And I mean, again, apologies for the vibe. That really us up.

[B]

That kind of scared me.

[A]

Yeah, man. I. For real, I was feeling like that.

[B]

I hate when they act up and turn on each other.

[A]

I know.

[B]

It is like walking dogs. Occasionally they just start biting each other. You're like, guys, what the are you doing that for? They get mad at somebody else. Like, that comic's a piece of. And then you know what? You're a piece of.

[A]

You. Yeah.

[B]

Nasty little.

[A]

You see the guy who was stuffing balloons in his shirt being a Christy Gnomes husband?

[B]

Yeah, I can't tell. I. I kind of want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Was he being funny or does he like having massive.

[A]

No, I think there were so many pictures.

[B]

How many pictures? I've only seen two. Two look like he's being funny.

[A]

I don't know. I thought he was being.

[B]

I haven't looked into it.

[C]

He wasn't. He posting them on like a dude site. Girl told me he was posting them on a site just for dude.

[A]

Yeah, this guy.

[B]

This guy's the real deal. He's not just goofing.

[A]

I mean, that's high.

[B]

He's not taking a funny boob picture.

[A]

Well, the question you're raising it was a goof or goon. I think it was goon.

[B]

All signs are pointing to goon.

[A]

Also. I will say though, the way he positioned the balloon knots for nipples. You got to give him credit for that. That's a master at work.

[B]

They're calling it bimbofication.

[A]

Bimbofication is. He's late. Yeah. Lately the Internet's been like a wash and crazy, like fetish stuff. I. I recently came across lifters just muscle guys to get like real horny to lift up women. Just lift them up and get real.

[B]

Oh, this guy was not goofing.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think he was goofing at all. That's a nice benefit of the doubt though.

[B]

You gotta. If somebody's taking jugs pictures, you go, there's no.

[A]

It's gotta be good because it's the pink spandex.

[B]

That's exactly what did it. Yeah, I saw the full photo where he's wearing yoga pants. Oh, no.

[D]

Those look like those bouncy fake tits and not just like balloons.

[A]

They are. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. He. He was a. I mean, to get balloons to look like that was like, damn, that's kind of. I mean, you know how many times I try to make balloons look like big fat tits. I'M goofing.

[B]

I promise, when I was a kid, if I got my hands on balloons.

[A]

Yeah, but that's the thing. If you were, you know, you were on the.

[B]

But think of that making you horny.

[A]

I mean, you. That's Max.

[B]

What is that? That makes you horny? Put massive jugs and yoga pants on and taking a very serious, almost mugshot esque.

[A]

I mean, to be fair, though, here's the thing in. You know, let's play devil's advocate here. Imagine if you like, you know, you're like, I don't feel like all the porn videos are kind of tapped. I've seen most of them already. You put the balloons in, you put your wife's yoga pants on, and then you did duck face to yourself in the mirror, and all of a sudden you're like, damn, is there a babe here? Now you're with. You're with a babe. You've never been closer to a babe. So look, I.

[B]

Look.

[A]

Not my cup of tea personally, but it's one of those things, you can't knock until you try it. That's all I'm saying.

[B]

I'm only seeing that one photo, though. Are we sure he's not goofing?

[C]

He's.

[A]

I don't think he's.

[B]

He's got the nipples offset. That's goofing.

[A]

He's probably fapping himself silly. You know how hard it's to keep those things straight.

[B]

True. The nipples are definitely getting knocked around from the fat.

[A]

That is. I mean, you got it. Like you were saying, that's such a tough Jones to be like, this is so hot. I can't stop doing this.

[B]

It's time to take pictures.

[A]

I mean, that's the other thing, too. It's like, why are they, I would imagine, is the left reveling in this?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why don't they just accept him as being like, yeah, that's his kink. He was.

[B]

I guess because they assume he's homophobic. Homophobic. So whenever that happened, you go, what

[A]

if that's also his kink?

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Be like, you'll never. No son of mine will do.

[B]

Yeah, I'll do it

[A]

here.

[B]

Your son's the opposite of whatever you are. I want my son to be straight as hell. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be the gayest guy you've ever seen in your life.

[A]

Yeah, busted, bro. And it wasn't a. I don't know. I saw somewhere in the article there was some sort of, like, intelligence involved. Some intelligence received that photo. So I didn't know if that was like a hack job or, you know, that was with like an escort or something. It's crazy.

[B]

I mean, I'm sure intelligence is monitoring.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Her and like his. Yeah, yeah, it's.

[A]

Yeah. If you're in high level politics, I'm sorry, you just can't get escorts. You just gotta solo, bimify and just lay low.

[B]

That was true. He could have been doing what was best for his family in their political career. Like, instead of getting a hooker, it'll be like, I'll be my own hooker. I'm not going to try to sully this family's good name.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm going to take a picture.

[A]

But then he probably got so horny, he sent the picture to a hooker. It's like, yeah, I'm sorry. I tried my best. Look, I get it, man. You come off the show, you're hot. He's probably at the political rally. He was hot. Goes to a quiet hotel room. We've all been there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what the.

[B]

Am I gonna make this night better? Nothing on tv. I'm not watching a movie with commercials. I'm gonna put balloons in my shirt and whack one off.

[A]

He's just waiting outside the party city. It's 9:45. He's like, this thing will be open. They're blowing him up. He's like a little bigger.

[B]

How about a little.

[A]

How were these, sir? He's like, yeah, they're all right. Let me see those balloon knots. Yeah, they're nice.

[B]

I need a triple XL T shirt.

[A]

I don't know. I'm not mad at the guy personally. He got caught up. He got caught up. He was gooning. Let him live, man. Let him live. I mean, it's, you know, what, what is his exact position anyway?

[B]

Doggy.

[A]

He's a husband of a politician. Yeah.

[B]

He's just a house husband, I guess.

[A]

Let him. Let him cook. He's a horny household.

[B]

Yeah, he's not. He's bored all day. He's waiting for her to come home.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Trying stuff out. He's taking pills.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He only vacuum so much. Now it's time to jack off.

[A]

I wonder though, if that's like a weird side effect of like, trt. Just.

[B]

I've been a horny house husband.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've been rocked FIFA and jacked off for like three years. Crazy. I'd go to the lizard lounge once a week. I'm gonna be something in comedy. Just watch. It's just buying FIFA.

[A]

Completely spent three 3A days are when you're doing the 3A days, man. You feel it just completely zaps.

[B]

Three days is crazy. Three days, that's you go to bed. Shameful. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Three days will definitely these.

[B]

How many? How many? The Gooner cave catch. Did I know you were hitting 2 a days? No, it was spring ball in here.

[D]

I've been chilling.

[A]

Really?

[D]

I've been trying not to beat off as much.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Once every couple days now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Respectable. You don't believe me?

[B]

No one believes you.

[D]

Why not tell the truth? There's no. The curtains don't come down.

[B]

No one's been here.

[A]

It's even better.

[B]

That's why nature's out here. They're gathered around. It's like an opposite of a zoo. Animals are watching you. Dude, that's how dirty that room is.

[D]

There was a lizard did sneak in there. I had to get it out.

[B]

Oh, the lizard got in your trash

[D]

room when it was cool.

[A]

You're just at night time. You started jerking the lizard. Why don't I feel anything? Dude, I, I. Dude, on the way over here, I totally forgot about this. I was passing, like, a McDonald's. I was up north and I saw a late, you know, classic outdoor lady whacked out on drugs, pants fully down. She was bent over just, like, fingers in her butt. I think it was an itch, but it was like she was digging so hard that I saw her head tilt back then. I was just like, yo, I'm dry. I got to turn my head forward to the road. This is. And a guy walked, like, was just, like, walking by her on the street, didn't he? Just, like, tunnel vision.

[B]

Yeah, you can't walk past.

[A]

I was like, God damn.

[B]

What else can you do? I mean, turn around, go the other

[A]

way, Turn around, go the other way.

[B]

Or go. I'm not supposed to be outside today.

[A]

Yeah, I knocked that off, but then

[B]

it's like, you knock that off, you're gonna wrist.

[A]

That butt hand can come back.

[B]

You risk in a butt hand slap. Worst case scenario, a little mandible claw. There you go. Yeah. What'd you say to me?

[A]

That was a meat. It was a meaty gal. It was a meaty gal, too, is it? Oh, it was a big meaty butt. I saw it from, like, three stoplights back. I said, is that a giant naked butt? And I pulled up and I was like, like, oh, she's digging in. She's digging in. It was wild, dude. Like, full hand action, bare butt. Because what I saw it Was full. Pull the cheeks apart. Red eye. And then the hand just, like, went in. It went to work. And I was like, yo, what the.

[B]

You say? It was in front of Mickey D's?

[A]

Right in front of Mickey D's. She was having it her way.

[B]

She's loving it.

[A]

I was on the phone with Spud, and we were just chatting. I was like, dude, time out. I just watched a lady just absolutely, like, pale claw, claw harass. It was full. It was full fingers, all fingers. Butt scratch. The cheek spread was crazy.

[B]

Liberating.

[A]

I mean, bro, imagine. God. Imagine that. We've all been walking down the street,

[B]

been like, I'd give anything to itch my butthole right now.

[A]

Pants down, and you go, it.

[B]

I got nothing else.

[A]

Five fingernails at once. Must have been bliss. Yeah, actually, I was. Pause for a second. I want to go to the bathroom. Yeah, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go treat myself.

[B]

I. Tommy's fiance came over to help me clean all my stuff out my closet. Because I'll never do that. It's very nice of her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's so many jerseys from all the shows. They always give you a jersey with your name on it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which I'll never wear. Think about giving them all the bums. Could have, like, 50 bums wearing, like, authentic Buffalo Sabers jerseys with Gillis on the back of it.

[A]

That's really nice.

[B]

Right? Wouldn't that be sick?

[A]

Yeah, that'd be awesome.

[B]

Because they're nice jerseys.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just big, baggy fucking hockey jerseys on homeless guys.

[A]

Yeah. And it's perfect time. 107 degrees.

[B]

They love layering them.

[A]

They would literally love nothing more than a very heavy hockey jersey for 107 degrees.

[B]

I think that's the move.

[A]

I think it is, too.

[B]

See some guy in a T. Wolves Gillis jersey jacking off. Yeah, right, man. Digging his ass.

[A]

I had a homeless guy break into my car recently.

[B]

What are you doing there?

[A]

That's the question, bro. Nothing's gone. I was for real worried he'd beat off in my car. Probably. That's over. That's probably what I'm thinking about ripping out. That's why I want the waterproof interior in my car.

[B]

A bum broke into your car?

[A]

It was just like the door. It goes around. He pops the handles. So my. I. I guess I forgot to lock my car and he just. I came in. No, he was in there because all the. Was spilled out of my glove box. And the center console was popped out because I got in. I'm like, well, I'm a animal. What the hell is that? And I was like, has a bum.

[B]

Bum.

[A]

Goddamn bum was in my car. And I could smell them too. Swear to God. But the funny thing was I had just. I, like, ran in the morning, so I kind of stunk. And I had a moment where I was like, that might just be me.

[B]

You might smell like a bum.

[A]

But then I. Then I was like, no, that's bum. But then I was smelling me too, and I was getting both smells.

[B]

The bum is strong. It reminds me of, like, you know how when it rains, worms come out on the sidewalk? I always thought worms smelled like that. And then I was just like, oh, it's the rain. It's just. That's what rain smells like. I'm an idiot. But that's the same thing, though. When you walk down 6th street in the summer. Yeah, I bet that's just what the street smells like. But then you're like, I think that's what bums.

[A]

No, it's primal, man. This was primal, man. They. There actually, I think is a smell called, like, the homeless. The homeless smell bum. It's like a problem when you're trying to, like, reintroduce a homeless guy into society. There's a thing called the homeless smell that you have to, like, somehow get rid of because you. You start to wreak. Being out in the sun all day every day. Did you smell so bad? I smelled it. It was in my car. He stunk. My car. He was in there for maybe five minutes.

[B]

My car. Oh, yeah.

[A]

But if he beats. It's over. If a homeless guy.

[B]

He cracked one in the crv.

[A]

Yeah. Because I was like, I'd have to call and get it detailed, but then I'd have to tell the. I'm not gonna do that to a detailed guy. We're like, yeah, just clean it up, man.

[B]

Could be some bumps, semen in there.

[A]

So how's a pause load?

[B]

That is a very pause load.

[A]

You got a pause load in the whip and then it gets dry and it turns load and turns the dust

[B]

turns into something else. You could inhale that.

[A]

That's what I'm saying.

[B]

Like, especially sun mixed with it.

[A]

Ah, yeah. I'm worried about. I still, like. I, like, cautiously looked around for any kind of glisten, but now I don't think. I think he just, like, chilled in my car. I don't know. I'm like, trying to think, like, what did he take? My phone charger's still there. You think that's prime bum? I had A skateboard. You think you would take my skate. He literally took nothing out of my car.

[B]

Skateboard would be sick. Yeah, you'd be a cool ass bum.

[A]

I have one of those things where you can emergency break the glass. Dude, I don't know. I. I got bugged out on the thought of, like my car submerged.

[B]

I got one of those.

[A]

Do you have one?

[B]

I had one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was very excited about it.

[A]

I ordered off Amazon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you. So you know the protocol for if your car. If you get submerged in water, how

[B]

to get out and lower the windows a little to let some water in or some.

[A]

Dead.

[B]

No chance. I'm dead, dude.

[A]

You're dead.

[B]

No chance.

[A]

Lower the windows. You're. That's crazy.

[B]

Crack the windows a little.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. Swap protocol, bro. Seat belts immediately off.

[B]

Well, of course you take your seatbelt

[A]

off, rear window, because you know why? The motor brings the car down so your nose is going to start sinking first. And they're designed so that the back windows are going to float. And you think you can kick it out? Guess again. You have to have your tool. You got to punch it. And then you start getting the kids out and then you get out and then at end, the. That's it. Then you have to like, swim with your kids after getting a car accident in water. I think you die, honestly. Yeah, you die because. Well, there was a thing, though. I. I get cura emails all the time and I just read them. I read everything. Kira is like a. I think it was like pre Facebook. It's now it's just boomers get spammed with like, that kind of makes them kind of like clickbait. But here you can ask questions. So like, ask cheese. But you have people be like, was Jesus.

[B]

I know, Kira.

[A]

Yeah. Was Jesus really Jewish? And like, boomers just fight each other for like 9 million comments. Like, that was the one. The guy was like, if you ever get into. If you fall into water, this is what you do. And apparently I looked it up and it was like, no, that's actually the worst possible thing you can do. So it's just there's a thing that goes around that just get people to click it. So I looked up the real protocol. I got so bugged out on it that I ordered like three of those glass smashers.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

Yeah, because they were like, you got to find a window, kick it out. And I looked it up. Or they said, no, they said, take the headrest off your seats and then hit the rear window. Because That'll still be floating.

[B]

Who's telling me to crack the windows a little? Has anyone else heard this rumor?

[A]

A little bit though. Why would you. Then the water is just going to start rushing.

[B]

It's easier to break. It's easier to break glass. That's what I assumed is like, if it's not sealed, you could kind of crack it a little bit.

[A]

But you have 30 seconds, bro. If your car has like they say

[B]

like a minute, it's easier to open the door or something. Who knows?

[A]

You're going to get rushed. We're going to flood. You're going to sink that your whole family.

[B]

Hold my breath, dude.

[A]

I don't have a family.

[B]

Also, you go, hey, yeah, Fresh start.

[A]

We're all together, guys.

[B]

One of the producers look up that cracking window thing. Dude, I gotta find out.

[A]

Look up SWOC protocol. Because I could be. I could get wrong. No, I believe.

[B]

I believe the pro. Your protocol sounds exactly right.

[A]

Protocol.

[B]

I'm just wondering why I have this urban myth.

[A]

I don't know. That's. I was. Dude, I was like really bugging out on this. Let's look up how exactly you said the thing that. That was kind of cool is that

[B]

dopers racing to the Internet.

[A]

True swap. Can you look up crack in the window? Because I do want to make sure. There's a lot of bad information going around.

[D]

AI Says if your car is sinking, you immediately try to open or roll down the windows before water fills the car. If the windows won't open, use a dedicated window breaker tool. So it's to get the windows open.

[A]

Okay, so maybe that is first line of defense. Roll them down. But doesn't water rush into your car then?

[B]

Yeah, but then you can open your door easy.

[A]

No, but. No, but you can't open your door because the water pressure is so heavy. It's like.

[B]

But there won't be water pressure if your window's down.

[A]

Crack the window.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Interesting. I don't know.

[B]

I'm just not going to do it.

[A]

Don't die. Let's go down.

[B]

I'm just not going to die. I'll just told you breath.

[A]

But yeah. So. Well, we'll see. We should test it. I think Mythbusters did an episode on this, by the way. So if you're interested.

[B]

Check that out.

[A]

Check out mb. Check out mp. Damn.

[B]

Patreon's gonna rip.

[A]

Patreon's gonna slash.

[B]

Patreon's gonna go nuts.

[A]

That's gonna slash. We're gonna conquer the wasp nest.

[B]

We should do that in between yeah,

[A]

let's go conquer that and come back.

[B]

All right, goodbye, everybody.

[A]

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