Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome (feat. Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast

Ep 607 – All Guys Welcome

Guests: Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini

April 7, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this lively and freewheeling episode, Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis are joined by comedians Sam Tallent and Shawn Gardini for a deeply funny, occasionally philosophical, and wide-ranging discussion. The crew blends absurdist riffing and playful insults with candid talk about societal changes, the challenges facing men, generational divides, body positivity, fatness, identity, the collapse of community, hopes for radical honesty, and the value of simple pleasures like gardening, weed, and animals. From escape room failures to plans for a men’s symposium, it’s a hilarious and sometimes unexpectedly deep conversation about what it means to be “just some guys” in America today.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Escape Rooms & Medical Professionals

• The group kicks off riffing about visiting escape rooms with highly competitive med students and how overthinking ruins the fun.
  • Shane recounts being outperformed by doctors who wanted to see the rest of the rooms after failing to escape ([01:19]).
  • Matt: “The first time I went to an escape room, I was pure Da Vinci Code. Going, like, too deep into the details...” ([00:53]).

2. Academic Pressure and Generational Shifts

• Discussion about the cultural pressures on Indian and Chinese kids to excel academically, with speculation about when rebellion might occur.
  • Shane: “When will Indian and Chinese kids rebel against the academic strictures of the culture?” ([03:43]).
  • Sean observes that quiet rebellion is happening slowly—via small acts like vaping and Uber driving, not outright defiance ([04:28]).

3. Uber/Lyft ‘Optimizers’ and Financial Freedom

• Laughing about drivers who break the rules to maximize rides, their sense of minor “freedom,” and how driving for these apps is a form of extreme optimization ([05:38]-[06:27]).
  • Shane: “Your whole life is being a car drone... you’ve optimized your human form.” ([06:23]).

4. The Rise of AI Cars and Societal Mapping

• Observations about Tesla/Waymo self-driving cars, the spread of automated vehicles, and the similarities to how Pokémon Go mapped cities for tech companies ([07:15]-[07:46]).
  • Matt: “It’s like, who owns this? Who knows the alleys I take every day?” ([07:39]).

5. Data Privacy, Tech Consent & Social Credit

• Riffing on the futility of reading “terms of service” and how opting out of tech becomes social exclusion; hints of a coming social credit system ([08:26]-[08:48]).
  • Shane: “We all have to have the exact same stuff or you’re not allowed to participate.” ([08:26]).

6. Escaping Modern Life: Crab Life Fantasies

• The fantasy of unplugging and living a simple, “crab man” existence in the Florida Keys is discussed comedically ([08:37]-[09:13]).
  • Shane: “Just be like, burnt all the time... die at 58 but happy, outside death.” ([08:48]).

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7. Fat Acceptance, Body Positivity & The Jillian Michaels Debate

• Detailed dissection of a viral video with Jillian Michaels vs 20 "fat-bodied" advocates; much riffing on language changes (“fat-bodied” over “obese”), identity, and the dangers (and sometimes necessity) of fat shame for self-improvement ([12:05]-[17:19]).
  • Shane: “As a guy who’s like still fat but was much more fat… fat acceptance is so dangerous.” ([14:05])
  • Matt: “Shaming a little fat kid... that’s what got me running laps before school.” ([14:35])
  • Memorable Quote:
    • “It was great… super fitness lady being like, bro, I’m not mad you guys are fat…” ([13:22], Matt)
    • “Now we’re just supposed to be like, hey, it’s cool. I guess if they’re making the choice… that’s man’s only option, is to kill himself or, like, have a cigarette or whatever.” ([14:27], Shane)
  • Comics reflect on parents shaming them for fatness, the psychological impact, and how fatness shaped their comedic identities.

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8. Cultural Shifts: Pathos Over Logos/Ethos

• Explores how emotional arguments (“pathos”) now dominate over logic (“logos”) and ethics (“ethos”) in public debate.
  • Shane: “We’ve witnessed the death of ethos and logos… it’s all pathos.” ([18:21])
  • Discussion of snack companies pushing “body positivity” for profit—removing calorie counts, for example ([19:02]).

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9. The Fragmentation of Moral Foundations

• Matt introduces Alasdair MacIntyre’s "After Virtue":
  • Society has shattered the foundations of moral debate, now everyone argues from scraps of outdated or misunderstood ethical systems ([29:20]-[32:06]).
  • Matt: “That’s where we are with moral debate now… people with bits and pieces who have feelings.” ([29:48])
  • Shane: “You try to scold them into agreeing with you… historically one of the worst ways to move the needle.” ([30:48])
• Discussion about the erosion of community and the loneliness epidemic.

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10. The Plight of Modern Young Men & “The Guy Symposium”

• Shane pitches an idea to run a “symposium” or “men’s retreat” to help the disaffected “shard” men of society—face-to-face, honest support, no cameras, no booze, comedians sharing not just jokes but honest life lessons ([34:11]-[41:46]):
  • Shane: “Right now it’s mostly straight white guys who are in shards... someone has to give a about these guys who’ve been told they’re the reason the world is.” ([38:26])
  • Matt: “How do we monetize this?” ([41:46])
• Worries about replicating the “manosphere” or self-help grifts, brainstorming names (“Return to the Odium”), and focusing on true self-betterment and service without ego.
  • Shane: “If we could negate one woman flinching when her husband walks into the room, we’ve done our job.” ([40:28])
  • Matt: “That’s the move. Symposium could be the move.” ([57:05])
• The role of community, neighborliness, and how women often organize and sustain actual social cohesion ([34:48]).

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11. Identity, Weight Loss, & Being ‘Fat, Funny Guys’

• Sam and Shane share struggle with weight, the comic’s trade-off between using fatness as a shield/identity and seeking well-being ([36:44]-[37:33]):
  • Shane: “I still feel like I need to be there for my fat brethren, but also… show them a path.” ([36:44])
  • Matt: “It’s a comedy mech suit.” ([37:04])

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12. Generational Disconnect & Club Oddities

• Chewing over the weirdness of Gen Z comedy audiences—furries, fairies, young people always scanning for offense, and the difficulty of crafting jokes for crowds immersed in Internet shame culture ([26:14]-[27:35]).

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13. The Virtues of Gardening, Community, and the Search for Meaning

• Spirited talk about the joys of backyard gardening, raising animals (real and hypothetical Frankensteinian ones), and the life-affirming beauty of plants and flowers ([62:13]-[65:37]):
  • Matt: “There’s something really nice about growing flowers... I come down every morning, check out my garden—any new shoot, I see it and I go, dude, this is awesome.” ([64:48])

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14. Animal Husbandry, Cowboy Life, and Nature Knowledge

• Aspirational and comedic discussions about raising pigs, goats, sheep, cows, and donkeys (“donkeys will trample a wolf to death,” [71:18]); comparing rural/cowboy roots, knots, tree ID, and duck trivia ([66:00]-[75:29]).

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15. Weird Science, Evolution, and Penises of the Animal Kingdom

• Absurdist segment exploring pig/duck penises, evolutionary biology, and the hypothetical of a penis museum ([75:29]-[78:48]):
  • Shane: “Ducks have that classic corkscrew penis.” ([75:32])

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16. Sincerity, Beauty, and the Return to Earnestness

• Closing on the need to bring sincerity and meaning back into culture, beyond irony and cynicism, referencing philosophers and beauty as ultimate truth ([57:34]-[57:45], [84:16]-[84:56]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Academic Competition

  • “Imagine heightening that with a bunch of people who were first in their class and then first in their class again in college. Now they’re all in one room competing for… the prestige of being number one nerd.”
    — Shane ([03:01])

• On Fat Identity

  • “Either I’m a little shameful fat boy or my mommy’s muscle man…” — Matt ([15:10])
  • “As a guy who’s… still fat but was much more fat, like, fat acceptance is so dangerous.” — Shane ([14:05])

• On Modern Social Arguments

  • “We’ve witnessed the death of ethos and logos… and now it’s all pathos.” — Shane ([18:21])
  • “You try to scold them into agreeing with you. Historically, one of the worst ways to move the needle…” — Shane ([30:48])

• On Disconnected Young Men

  • “Right now it’s like mostly straight white guys who are in shards… someone has to give a about these guys...” — Shane ([38:26])
  • “If we could get them together and just have radical honesty… and just exhibit this behavior in a place without any phones or booze…” — Shane ([40:18])
  • “Nothing curdles or becomes more corrosive than dead hope.” — Shane ([41:03])

• On Gardening & Simple Joys

  • “I come down every morning, check out my garden. Any new shoot or bud, I see it and I go, dude, this is awesome.” — Matt ([64:56])

• On Penises in Nature

  • “Ducks have that classic corkscrew penis.” — Shane ([75:32])
  • “Imagine just sucking, like, a fly’s penis.” — Matt ([79:22])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Escape Room & Doctors: [00:53]-[01:52]
• Academic Rebellion (Indian/Chinese Kids): [03:43]-[05:20]
• Uber Optimization: [05:38]-[06:27]
• Body Positivity & Fat Acceptance Riff: [12:05]-[17:19]
• Snack Company Influence / Pathos Over Logos: [18:21]-[20:15]
• Moral Fragmentation (MacIntyre): [29:20]-[32:12]
• Young Men’s Plight & Symposium Pitch: [34:11]-[41:46]
• Gardening, Flowers & Nature: [62:13]-[65:14]
• Animal Husbandry & Cowboy Origins: [66:00]-[75:29]
• Penis Museum Absurdity: [75:29]-[78:48]
• Closing Reflections, Sincerity, Beauty: [57:34], [84:16]-[84:56]

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Episode Tone & Style

• Comedic, irreverent, and chaotic, with frequent digressions and running gags
• Willing to get dark, vulnerable, and philosophical in between the bits
• Language and banter is crude, but the underlying tone is thoughtful and compassionate for “the guys”
• No sacred cows: everything from “fat-bodied” terminology to philosophical moral frameworks gets roasted
• Frequent self-deprecating humor and inside comedy world references

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Summary for New Listeners

“Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome” is a raucous and unexpectedly nuanced episode that captures Matt and Shane’s unique talent for mixing outrageous comedy with honest social commentary. Equal parts absurd riffing and real talk about the problems of community, masculinity, identity, and beauty, this episode is an extended meditation on what it means to be “just some guys” lost in today’s America—searching for meaning, railing at nonsense, and clinging to life’s simple joys. Whether laughing at “corkscrew duck penises,” decrying the loss of virtue ethics, or dreaming up a men’s retreat to heal the “shard guys,” the spirit of camaraderie, concern, and mischief is undeniable.

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If you want to understand Matt and Shane at their best—unfiltered, thoughtful, and hilarious—start here. All guys (and girls) welcome.

Transcript

[Matt]

Wow.

[Shane]

Wow, Wes. Nice and long, like I'm your lover. Breathe in, breathe out.

[Matt]

Nice and long.

[Shane]

Yes. Got it all.

[Matt]

That sounded like the whole spine cracked. Yeah, that was nice at the top there.

[Shane]

You want one?

[Matt]

I'll take them.

[Shane]

Take a crack. Your eyes are not so here. Let's go loose on the hands. We're gonna go over. I'm gonna. I do it to you. Hands loose. You don't have to grab one. Okay, now breathe out, breathe out, breathe out.

[Matt]

Nope, too tight.

[Shane]

You're all meat.

[Matt]

Too tight.

[Shane]

You're not riggin. Tony. Tony. I'm all spongebob. Hello.

[Matt]

Are we fired up? Oh, hell yeah. Perfect. Hello, beautiful. Well, yeah, I'm. I. The first time I went to an escape room, I was like, pure Da Vinci code. Going, like, too deep into the details where I'm, like, counting the branch, like the leaves on the fake tree.

[Shane]

The. I did the paneling on the. On the wood grain. I was like, there's something in the grain.

[Matt]

They're like, no, there's just like a series of pegs in the wall. You have to take one out. You're like, oh, okay. Well, if I knew. It was like, for dumbasses.

[Shane]

We were in there for an hour, dude, with all of my wife's, like, second year medical school class, and, like, time ran out. And I was like, okay, well, we didn't get out of the room. You know, big deal. And then the doctors were like, can we see the rest of it? And I was like, rest of it? There was like 12 more rooms in there. We didn't even get into. What. And then, like, the lady who runs it's like, did you check this drawer? And everyone was like, no, but we did, like, take a duct off the fucking ceiling. And like, I. We pulled up this rug that was actually, like, nailed down. Oh, yeah, you should have checked this drawer. The key's in there. So, so embarrassing.

[Matt]

Did you guys ask for hints?

[Shane]

No, I would have loved to hit. Yeah, but no, I'm in there with young doctors.

[Matt]

Yeah, they won't do it.

[Shane]

Of. You know, a lot of, like, first generation Americans in there. Communication issues abound. And then just a bunch of, like, beaten men who are like, oh, I like football too. You know, like. Like the husbands of female doctors. Yeah, we need a support group, bro.

[Matt]

I. I would. I would agree. I dated a doctor briefly. I remember her being very intense.

[Sean]

Oh, dude.

[Matt]

Like, specifically around, like. I remember her being, like, a little bit kind of like in a funk one day, and I was like, you know, basically the Problem was she just had the wrong answer in class. And I was like, that's it. And she was like, dude, it's, like, humiliating to get the wrong answer. I was like, dude, that sucks.

[Shane]

Oh, it's.

[Matt]

I had, like a 10 hit rate in class. I was wrong all the time. Yeah. Where they'd be like, no, no, not. Not exactly, no. And I'd be like, all right, well, I participate. That's for my grade.

[Shane]

I'm good.

[Matt]

I'm a good standard.

[Shane]

I tried like the rest of the cowards in here. You're holding the book upside down. At least I did the reading.

[Matt]

I was big on that.

[Shane]

I would.

[Matt]

I would really fire up. Because there is, like, a weird tension in school where, like, no one will, like, raise their hand first and take a stab. And I would. I would take a stab.

[Shane]

Now imagine heightening that with a bunch of people who were, like, first in their class and then first in their class again in college. Now they're all in one room competing for, like, you know, the prowess and the prestige of being, like, the number one nerd.

[Matt]

Smart.

[Shane]

Yeah. Then you get, like, three cocktails in them, and they're an escape room. And it's just all this coming out. The hierarchy's on display. The bureaucracy's there. Like, you see who's, like, actually who people are looking to as, like, the leader.

[Matt]

Yeah. You're watching, like, an Indian woman, like the father. Father's love leave her mind.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

She, like, fails to get the case.

[Shane]

She's like, flashing back to Holly Fest. And she was 13. She's covered in colorful chalk. She's like, why aren't I there? I could have sold mangoes. I've been free. Now I'm in Henderson, Nevada.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I wonder.

[Matt]

I wonder when the what. What generation will the Indian and Chinese rebel against the, like, academic strictures of the culture?

[Sean]

I think we're getting there right now.

[Shane]

That's what really on is.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Shooting like we're tired of being doctors.

[Shane]

We want to flip around.

[Sean]

I always laugh thinking about following Chenyun like the Grateful Dead and just going

[Matt]

to all the cities selling grilled cheeses,

[Shane]

dumplings in the parking lot, looking for a miracle.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I want an Asbury Park Shen Yun ticket.

[Matt]

I'm excited to get just. You get old enough to see some, like, American bred Asian punks.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Just like, you know, like the cool Japanese guys in, like, Tokyo Drift who are like, oh, you think you could beat me in a race?

[Sean]

We're getting there.

[Matt]

We are getting there.

[Sean]

I think so. I went to high school with some of them, especially Indians. Indians?

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Sean]

I call them, like, they love the Miami Heat.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sean]

They love LeBron James. They. They like, really attach themselves to black culture.

[Shane]

Coca Cola.

[Sean]

Yeah. Hamburgers.

[Shane]

They just love advertising that they saw in leban. There's like. I don't know, they're actually like punk rockers with, like, you know, mohawks and stuff. But, like, I do think there's like, the young. At least around Detroit, there's like, the young Indian Middle Eastern type guy who, like, has the all black, like, sweats on with flip flops all the time. Okay, so they're not like, you know, like, I like to listen to crass and huff glue, but they are kind of like, hey, mom, I'm just going to, like, smoke this vape cart and, like, be online all day. And that's their rebellion instead of, like, studying like their sisters did.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

So I don't think it's going to be like this, like, big, like, pushback, you. Rock and roll, flag burning. It's more just like this, like, quiet, like. Okay. Like that kind of pissiness to your mom.

[Matt]

They're just not. They're not just getting down with the. But then those guys, they end up driving Uber, like, 99 hours a week. So they end up getting it one way or the other.

[Shane]

Literally 100 hours a week.

[Matt]

Yeah, dude, it's crazy. They pick you up and they're like, yeah, you're like my 19th ride. I'm like, dude, it's 6:00am I know. Like, well, I get up at 3:00am and then I pick people up and then I switch to the lift app because it cuts me off after 12 hours.

[Shane]

Right.

[Matt]

It's just like, bro, I figured out

[Shane]

how to drive 26 hours straight. What hour am I? 25. Their eyes are cake. They look like fingernails. Yeah. I've been to the airport 12 times today.

[Matt]

Dude, it's. Yeah, those. Those, like, lifer Uber drivers that have just completely cracked the code. I'm always, like, kind of freaked me out a little bit. I made like, four grand this week. Like, fudgeing how.

[Shane]

Yeah, they're grinding by breaking all the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Like, I feel like those dudes who have, like, the Uber hacks and they drive forever, like, that is, like, their first financial freedom. And they're really stoked on it. And then you get in the car and you ask them one question, and then they, like, show you, like, all the YouTube videos that they watch to figure out how to, like, maximize their Time. It's like your whole life is being a car drone.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like you've optimized your human form to get. You're a wayo.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yes. Which is what you're part of.

[Sean]

Machines.

[Shane]

Right. Couple of wayos here. Watch your purses.

[Matt]

Know now the wayos are here. Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And the. And the what? The Tesla ones? The Tesla bots or whatever.

[Sean]

The Tesla ones, I think are still learning.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Sean]

Like, they have to be driven. And there's another brand that's still learning and has to be driven.

[Shane]

And.

[Sean]

And someone else said this, but it's funny because the people who drive them are just regular people, so they pick up on, like, bad driving habits. Like, they, like, roll red lights and things like that.

[Matt]

Yeah. I've been peeping. The wayos are getting aggressive. I. I've been seeing those things drive and they'll, like. If someone stops, they'll, like, whip it around and go around them and. And, you know, I got, like, not cut off by one, but I was like, oh, it's designed to let me go. Like, I. I figured, like, if you play chicken with the thing, it's just going to let you go. So I went to cut and it was just like. And I was like, oh, okay.

[Shane]

There's a ghost in the machine.

[Matt]

I think there is a ghost in the machine.

[Shane]

Yeah. San Francisco, they're just getting torched all the time.

[Matt]

Really?

[Shane]

I was at Cobbs, like, last weekend, and there were just dudes talking about, like, their friends going out with, like, homemade Molotovs and smashing them on waymos.

[Matt]

My thing is, like, why?

[Shane]

I don't know. I have no idea. It's like the Pokemon Go phenomenon where, like, they mapped entire cities for free because they put snorlaxes in weird places.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

Yeah. It's like, who owns this? Who knows the alleys that I take every day? And you're gonna put a slow poke in there.

[Matt]

Yeah. But it's also like, your phone, we've. You've mapped. I. I would probably mapped everything in your phone. I think.

[Shane]

I think they have everything of me.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And I willingly consented and given it to them because I didn't want to read any terms of service.

[Sean]

Yeah, dude, tldr that, bro.

[Matt]

The terms of service are crazy.

[Shane]

I'm also the thing that puts the face on the dog.

[Matt]

Also, you can still read the terms of service, and then you still have to click yes. There's still nothing. If you actually read them, it's a complete waste of time.

[Shane]

Right. You print them off. You like, redline them, send them back to their lawyer.

[Matt]

You can't call your lawyer and be like, yeah, let's let our people talk for a little bit. Let's hammer this out. Let's figure out this deal. I'm making a deal with Apple right now. You just have to select it. Like, yeah, sure, yeah.

[Shane]

Or you just like, you're not a part of society. Like this whole, like, social credit course score thing, it's like they haven't implemented that. But, like, we all have to have the exact same stuff or you're not allowed to participate.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like the human day.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So it's like, dude, I just want to secede, man. I'd love to just pull out, live in, like, one of the lesser keys down in Florida. Be like a crab man.

[Matt]

Damn, that'd be nice.

[Shane]

Just be like, burnt all the time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Diet 58. But happy outside death. No one finds you for a while. Yeah, that's what I want. I want like a metal detector death, dude. Just out there like crows eating your eyes, you know, your wife's like, you died doing what he loved.

[Matt]

Keys. Going in the Keys would be nice. Just unplugging. Although you'd be in the key. I'd be in the keys. I'd have a couple margaritas. I'd be on Facebook being like, bro, Trump kicks at it would eventually. I have some faith in the big man.

[Shane]

Yeah. Are you pulling it up? Thank you.

[Matt]

Can't stop producing. Wow.

[Shane]

This is the kid. I mean, we came up on him and he was. He was a pit crew outside. One man.

[Matt]

I know.

[Shane]

Changing his tires.

[Matt]

He had low psi.

[Shane]

Keep moving it the whole time. Whoa. Hey.

[Matt]

Really work that thing, man.

[Shane]

God, I'd hate to see what you do. Your penis. That's how you treat this? Probably. You're probably.

[Matt]

That's good stuff. I like that, man. I like that. Not. That's the thing. A lot of people don't have the gumption to interrupt the live broadcast

[Shane]

to grab this thing like it was a snake that popped out of a hat.

[Sean]

I had to.

[Shane]

No, I appreciate that. Are we good over there? Yeah. Okay. Sorry. The producer high on ketamine. So she's been raving for 36 hours straight.

[Matt]

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[Shane]

I like that Denver squad.

[Matt]

You like the Denver squad?

[Shane]

I like. I like the. The players on the Denver squad.

[Matt]

I like them too.

[Shane]

And I like when they.

[Matt]

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[Shane]

I like. Yes. I don't know if we're allowed to say that, but you can say that. Okay. Yeah, well, yeah, I'm a big Denver Nuggets guy and I'm excited for what they're going to do in the playoffs.

[Matt]

I'm actually. That's. That was actually my pick. That was my take as agree that we're in agree. I like that we're in agreement with that.

[Shane]

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[Matt]

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[Shane]

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[Matt]

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[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And first of all, the, the worst part about it was and in that format, it's like whoever gets to talk has to race to the chair, right? So like Jillian Michaels is sitting there like all right, first one to get there, you just watch everyone's getting up

[Shane]

and trying to go over feeding time at the Hippo tank. They threw a bunch of pumpkins down.

[Sean]

The audio, the audio just exploding.

[Matt]

Just, just to express fat attitude. Basically.

[Shane]

They should have had them in like, like beanbags. People like rocking out of there should

[Matt]

have done like dizzy, I'm healthy. They had to argue with this lady that and apparently the new. So she was using obese, which I thought was like respectful being obesity. And the one lady's like, excuse me, is fat bodied. That's fat bodied. It's fat bodied. That's the new acceptable term.

[Shane]

I've been called fat bodied and it wasn't very inclusive or nice. I've been called fat bodied various public pools and it didn't feel good. Hey, I'm a fat bodied adult.

[Matt]

No bodied is so funny. They're like, we don't obese. It's fat bodied.

[Shane]

Hey, man, please, respectfully, I'm fat bodied. I know, I can see you. I was trying to be nice, AKA fat. Yeah, I'm a wad, I'm a blob. Whatever you want, but don't be mean to me about it.

[Matt]

It was, it was just great. It was just as like, you know, super fitness lady being like, bro, I'm not like mad you guys are fat. It's just, I'm coming here of the opinion that it's like unhealthy at a certain point to have excess fat in your body. Like, like that's, she was explaining, like, that's what fatty liver is. It's like fat itself isn't bad, but if you have too much or whatever, it can start to like turn into something bad. I don't know, whatever.

[Shane]

You like metastasizes and becomes like a foreign body. And then if you have too much fat, I think as. I'm a chiropractor, as I showed on you earlier, I think that your body, if, if it gets on fat, gets on an organ, it'll start attacking it. Like cancer.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And like heart disease can be elements of that.

[Matt]

Your brain.

[Shane]

Your brain, dude, they're always talking about how Alzheimer's is like type 3, like diabetes.

[Matt]

I didn't know I could get fat in my brain.

[Shane]

Oh, dude, I got fat head since day one. And like, as a guy who's like still fat but was much more fat, like fat acceptance is so dangerous.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Because like, I don't know, dude, you're allowing these people who have like let like, you know, have lost control. It's a loss of control. It's a physiology thing. It's, it's a lot of different elements, but You've lost the battle.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And now we're just supposed to be like, hey, it's cool.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I guess if they're making the choice, like, if it is a slow form of suicide, then, like, you have to embrace that. Like, that's man's only option, is to kill himself or, like, have a cigarette or whatever.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So, like, I just don't think that normalizing it is, like, ultimately going to help the little fat kids, because, like, shaming a little fat kid, that's what got me running laps before school.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You could see my tits through my shirt, dude.

[Matt]

My mom shaming my whole life. Even today, if I go home and if I get in the pool in the summertime, if I put on weight, my mom will be like, you've gotten fat? Yeah. She'll just write up, she'll be like, yeah, damn, you're getting fat. And I'll.

[Shane]

I'll be like, all right, you get it too.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

What hope is there for me then? I was looking at you on stage last night. You were like a Brooks Brothers model with your fucking great hair. You're making all these cool moves and, like, you're filling out the shirt. And I was like, yeah, maybe I could, like, do traps. What are traps?

[Matt]

That was just my mom. Either on my mommy's. Either I'm a little shameful fat boy or my mommy's muscle man. I try to be my mommy's muscle.

[Shane]

You've always been mommy's muscle man, haven't you? You have that big dick.

[Matt]

Muscle man.

[Shane]

Ye pylon.

[Sean]

I think I crushed in comments. Because my neck is chubby.

[Shane]

Because you have 30 beers a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

Pretty much.

[Shane]

You're gonna get pumpkin face.

[Sean]

I try to do 50, you know. Cut.

[Matt]

You've been doing intuitive drinking. That's part of body positivity.

[Shane]

Put a blindfold on, make a cocktail.

[Matt]

Well, they talk about, dude. It's actually kind of crazy. So, you know, she's just arguing with all these people, and they're like.

[Shane]

And it's like, well, hold on, let me compose myself. I came from that chair. I say this with empathy. I'm a big fat guy. I understand the plight.

[Matt]

Yeah, But I was in wicker chairs. I was a fat kid. It's like, you know, it's stuff. You get teased and all. Stuff. And people pinch your fat nipples and

[Shane]

yell and bean dipping, bro. You've been bean dip recently, dude. The former owner of the Springfield Comedy Club, when we were down there last time, Nathan Lund goes on stage, he's like, hey, knock him dead. Sack taps Lund. Sack tapped him right before he's walking up. So Lund's walking on stage like, oh, it's kind of like the first two minutes of his set, we're like, yeah, the owner just sack tapped me. He's like on the balls of his toes. You know that one to shake him out.

[Matt]

That's crazy.

[Shane]

And then he bean dipped me. He beamed at me before I walked on. Me, the headliner. I've known him for 12 years. I was the only guy who worked this club before. You know, you got the settlement money or whatever, you're going to fucking flat my flapjacks on the way up.

[Matt]

I mean, also, how did that affect you psychologically?

[Shane]

I wanted to be on fire. I wanted to grab him after he flapped me and jumped down the stairs. I wanted to be a human bomb, bro. I went up there and I was mad, like the first 15 minutes I watched the tape. Even 15 minutes, I'm like finding to be mad at on stage in. Lund also did the funny bit of I just got Sack tapped so I can't walk up and be like, hey, he bean dipped me, folks. That was humiliating.

[Matt]

You have to re bean dip yourself to like. Because some people wouldn't know what it was.

[Shane]

You'd have to. Yeah, you'd have to illustrate. You have to flap your own jugs.

[Matt]

And now you're reactivated, right?

[Shane]

Yeah. Now you're back in the stairwell getting, you know, it's irresistible or. No, irreversible.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, it was. It was great, man. It was really. It was a good display of just what we deal with now. Of just being like, if I get angry enough at you and convince you you're a horrible person based on just my own emotions, I'm right. And it was just 20 people being like, you're actually a huge piece of. And she's like, why? And she's like, because it's just not fair for you to say that to a fat body person to be telling their fat people going, yeah, this is a sign of just like, we're all full of.

[Shane]

But it's because this would exhaust a bunch of Japanese tourists come because they think they're gonna feed seals.

[Matt]

But yeah, I'm not. I'm not fat body phobic at all.

[Shane]

I'm not either. I have many fat friends. I'm a fat guy.

[Matt]

Not fat body phobic. But yeah, it is.

[Shane]

You were nice to me. I swam in the pool last year. No one said, hey, look at those drugs.

[Matt]

Because I was a fat kid. I remember.

[Shane]

You get it?

[Matt]

I remember the torment, dude. My nickname was Thunder Thighs, dude.

[Shane]

Still to this day, you fill out those pants, dude.

[Matt]

My thighs are crazy.

[Shane]

So you got a third thigh right there.

[Matt]

Yeah, right, bro. That's my prosthetic.

[Shane]

Well, what the. We've. We've witnessed the death. We witnessed the death of, like, ethos in logos, and now it's all pathos. This is the emotional thing where you're supposed to make arguments. Pathos was, like, the last vestige of a bad orator. So, like, you were supposed to. Then if you weren't, like, making your points, you're supposed to be then emotional and big and do all the tricks because you couldn't get there with the ethics of it or the logic of it. And now it's just all pathos.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And you've got, like, you know,

[Matt]

huge

[Shane]

people arguing with a woman for, like, so mean guys can watch it online.

[Matt]

Literally all the comments are just people laughing, being like, dude, running to the chairs. Hilarious.

[Shane]

Yeah, it is.

[Matt]

It is pretty funny.

[Shane]

And they knew what they were doing. I know they knew.

[Matt]

I know they. 1,000%. No, it's just. This is a spectacle. They're not going to get to anything. Dude, that. They even had a thing on, like, the big snack companies, like, you know, Frito Lays, all this stuff. Pepsi, they. They're. There was like, an investigative, you know, journalism thing, an article where they had internal. Internal company memos of being like, why. It's why body positivity is good. Because they were, like, you know, like, certain points of it. Like, intuitive eating was one. Intuitive eating. Make sure that we. We don't, like, you know, our snacks don't come under fire. This thing, body positivity, calorie count. There's a part of it where it's like, get calories off of stuff because, like, we know that's. That's, like, kind of shameful. Like, why should I have to be. Like, why should I have to be reminded of how many calories. It's pretty.

[Shane]

So we have to exist in a world just bereft of anything that makes sense.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane]

Like, we. Because people don't want to know that, like, that entire bag of Fritos has 1200 calories. They're gonna eat it anyway.

[Matt]

And Pepsi's, like, pushing it, being like, yeah, actually, this is. This is that very important for the body positivity because they just want to keep everyone going and watching.

[Shane]

It's like how they put protein on Pop Tarts now. And it's like, oh, okay, so me on GLP ones. I can eat pop tarts and still go to the beach. It's a joke. And everyone's just like, yeah, it's crazy. And then we're just back on our phones.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like, we're so cooked.

[Matt]

I know. I'm.

[Shane]

Dude, I'm not cooked. I'm not cooked. You're not cooked. We got to maintain the fucking light in the dark, bro.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

You can't give it.

[Matt]

No, you can't. It's so hard not to, though.

[Shane]

I know. It's so hard not to just be like, pull up that white flag and start jerking off. Yeah, I'm going to get. I'm going to get high at 8am who care?

[Matt]

My nipples are the. This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter. I'll tell you what. I had Nate opening for me this weekend. I said, that guy is really. That guy is sticking out to me. That guy is sticking out. And I love all of his jokes. Guys, it isn't always easy finding a good standout, and that's especially true if you're hiring. You have to sort through hundreds of resumes, and even then, you might not uncover what you're looking for. That's why you need ZipRecruiter. Try it free at ZipRecruiter.com secret ZipRecruiter works fast to find top talent, and its newest feature takes it a step further. Identifying candidates with the right skills who are also interested in your role. ZipRecruiter puts them at the top of your list so you can connect with them first thing. It's no wonder it continues to be Rated the number one hiring site based on G2. Cut through the standard and get to the standouts with ZipRecruiter. 4 out of 5 employees who post on ZipRecruiter get a high quality candidate within the first day. And now you can try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com secret that's ZipRecruiter.com secret. Meet your match on ZipRecruiter. White flag.

[Shane]

Yeah, I like how you. What you brought up your wife, like, jerking you off. He's like. He's like, lick my nipples.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And Brit made a funny noise across the balcony. She came on stage last night. She went like, all right, baby.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Participating.

[Shane]

I've never heard my wife on stage except for the one time she had me in Key West.

[Sean]

So what did she say?

[Shane]

Oh, dude, I was doing something. I asked a woman, my wife. We went on like A wine cruise before the show.

[Matt]

Awesome.

[Shane]

So it was like we had like 12 bottles of wine in like an hour. You know, my wife gets there and she's like a pirate. Like, one eyed, you know, like she met some gal on the cruise. She's like, come on the show. It'll be fun. So they like, sit her down and I hear in the back of the room talking. They're in the middle. And I'm like, I go up to her, I'm like, hey, baby, you know,

[Matt]

we're all having fun.

[Shane]

You know, that's like as much as you can say. I'm over there trying to, like, diffuse a bomb before I go on stage and entertain. Like, hey, hon, you know it's fun to have fun, right? But all right, I'm at work. But I am. I really am. This is my whole thing. So I go up on stage and I don't know, I was doing crowd work. It was two rival boat crews were there. So, like. And like, they both hated the same captain. So I like, made fun of one boat crew. And then this boat crew, like, joined in making fun. And I was like, oh, well, hey, you guys are a different boat crew. And then this boat crew is like, correct, you know, so it's kind of chaos.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And then I asked a woman in the crowd. I don't know, I was drunk too. I asked a woman, I was like, have you ever been pregnant? Which is an insane question to ask. Insane question. But again, I'm doing triage comedy. I know there's a ticking time bomb in the back. And she is wearing my wedding ring. So I was like, hey, you've been pregnant. And I hear someone in the back go, you have no right to ask her that. And I say, that sounds like my wife. And she says it was, oh, no. Like, what am I supposed to do?

[Matt]

It's dude.

[Shane]

And yeah, it's bomb.

[Matt]

It's a tough spot. And it's also like, I don't know, part of me feels like the crowd would be excited. Like, wait, his wife's here? No, no, but they don't. Yeah, they're kind of like, well, what the fuck's going on right now? What is.

[Shane]

She is like his nurse too. She doesn't trust him. They have to do the road together because he cheats. They just project right away. Yeah, dude.

[Matt]

Wait, what? Is that real? Yeah, no, I've. I've. Yeah, I've had it before where Brittany will also take it upon her. She doesn't do this anymore. But, like, when I first Started headlining. She would come sometimes, and if people would talk, she would, like, go up like a bouncer and be like, hey, be quiet at your table. And people be drunk and be like, shut the up. Then I was on stage one time that happened, and I'm on stage, and I was already, like, battling with this guy. And she had at some point been like, hey, keep it down. And he said something back to her, and I heard her just be like, excuse me. And I was like, on stage, like, what the did you say, dude? Yeah, like, just the whole crowd was like, why? I don't want. It was. They were like a dysfunctional family party. Yeah, they're just like, this is uncomfortable. Oh, dude. What the you say that's my wife.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

It's just like, ultimate white trash.

[Shane]

I know we're joking around, but I'll you up right now. Waymos are weird, aren't they, folks?

[Matt]

Well, I tried to have him come on stage. Like, come on stage. Like, I was like, here's my cool moment. I'm gonna, like, destroy this guy. He came up without a mic and was like, dude, you're gay. And I couldn't talk. And I was like, get the off stage.

[Shane]

It was the worst everything bad that happened.

[Matt]

It was. Then I got my check, and it was way less than. I was like, man, I really hate myself right now. I really hate my life.

[Shane]

Oh, I just mortgaged my soul for 500. All right.

[Sean]

Brittany leaves with him.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He walks out holding her hand. You still have to do 40 minutes.

[Matt]

He had, like, a tailored leather jacket. It was, like, perfect sleeve length.

[Sean]

Where was it? I don't.

[Matt]

Phoenix. It was cursed Phoenix. Cursed Phoenix. Me and Phoenix. I've been hexing the Phoenix market my

[Shane]

whole life because it's all 22 year olds.

[Matt]

Is that what it is?

[Shane]

It's all kids if you do that. Tempe Club. It's like, on the college campus because I did one Phoenix room, and this last time I went down there, and it was just a bunch of, like, kids with backwards hats just, like, wearing shorts, like, all right, bro. And I was like, yeah, I'm gonna talk to you guys about, like, being married and honesty. This sucks.

[Matt]

Yeah, I did. I did a bunch of marriage material at Skank Fest last year. And I was like. I was doing the math. I'm like, I don't know if this is landing here.

[Shane]

This is.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's a bunch of, like, poly gas station employees.

[Shane]

Oh, for sure. Yeah. It's a lot of those ladies who get like, that Weird, like, hair extension that it's pink and then they have to carry it all day. Have you seen this phenomenon? You know what I'm talking. You're a rave person. You know what I'm talking about.

[Matt]

I don't know what that is.

[Shane]

It's like. It's like a purple, like, like, predator tail.

[Sean]

I think.

[Matt]

I do know.

[Shane]

They plug it into the back of their head. It's like an extension, but it looks like one big, like, dreadlock like, thing. And it's so long that they have to, like, carry it around. And they're like Daffy Duck sweatpants at the. At the Buc. Ees.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

Is it one long purple braid?

[Shane]

Purple. Pink could be a menagerie of colors.

[Matt]

Damn, that's weird.

[Shane]

And again, this could be a. More of a Detroit specific phenomenon.

[Matt]

No, no. Well, I. I recently did, like, a very Gen Z kind of show. It was. If you laugh, you leave. And that was like, I got there and. Oh, there. Okay. That's kind of like that. I'm not gonna lie.

[Sean]

But you could put it in your butt when you get home.

[Shane]

It's just like, one.

[Matt]

Yeah. Just boom, right?

[Shane]

And you can see them, like, you know, if their kids act up, being like, you've had enough fun dip and

[Matt]

just whapping them with it, you know? Can't beat with your brain.

[Shane]

Yeah. I need more buddy's pizza.

[Matt]

The. The crowd was for real. Like, there was a furry in the crowd. There was, like, gay guys dressed as, like, Count Dracula. It was.

[Shane]

They were all, like, wearing, like, typo negatives.

[Matt]

It was. It's like. Yeah, it was just weird, man. It was like. It was like young, young, very Internet kind of Internet heavy kids that were just, like, dressed bizarrely, dude. Like, like, they were dressed like sprites and, like, fairies. It was really fudgeing weird.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And they were just like. They looked like anytime you would say anything, like, slightly. They weren't, like, super sensitive, but they would just be like, oh. If you would say anything, like, kind of weird or fucked up.

[Shane]

Well, their filter is just like, their entire life they've just been, like, in this pool of, like, human shame and how to identify it.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like young people. And they, like, when you hit them with a joke, they're, like, trying to, like, turn it into, like, the neutrinos of how to be mad at you. I feel, you know, like, it's just like, going through this, like, sieve and it's like, like, dissipating across their face.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like, okay, he said Trans. And I'm not gonna listen to the rest of the joke. Yeah, yeah. It's bizarre, dude.

[Matt]

You're like, what does this mean about me? They're like, I do the meet and

[Shane]

greets, like, after all the shows and sell the merch. And I see the kids come up and they're getting so young.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know why. It must be, like, kill Tony or, like, hive, whatever it is. I always try and figure it out. Like, they're so young and they're stoked and, like, they're stoned as.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And they come up and they're like, all right. You're like, okay. Then they put my armpit on their shoulder and take a picture, and they can't say a word. Yeah. Kids, man.

[Matt]

I get a lot of. I get, like, a decent amount of coke. Bros. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of coke. They come up and their pupils are like that big. Like, dude, that was amazing. Me and my boy have his business. It's crazy. You gotta check it out.

[Shane]

Yeah. And they went to the bathroom three times during the show. Yeah, dude, I hate the guys who go to the bathroom. They're clearly geeked on either cat or coke. And then at the merch line, they're

[Sean]

like, bro, that was the best.

[Shane]

And it's like, you were gone for 22 minutes. You weren't in there.

[Matt]

You're in the bathroom with three of your friends, Right?

[Shane]

Half my set, and the only person who's aware of it and secretly mad is me. The man you're complimenting back, the man who you paid to see.

[Matt]

I watched the whole thing.

[Shane]

Yeah. No, you didn't, dude.

[Matt]

That. Yeah, that. That thing you were talking about of, like, people being completely disconnected from reality and having, like, no basis to, like. Like, the pathos and whatever ethos. I'm reading a book right now by this guy, Alistair McIntyre, okay. It's called After Virtue. And he wrote it, like, I think, in the 60s. And he basically goes back. So here. This is the. It starts off, it's crazy. So he. This is his thing. It's called, like, the. The Big Problem. And he was like, imagine a world where, like, something bad happens and we just completely dismantle science. We're like science scientists. We kill scientists. We burn all the labs down. So science has been completely eradicated. Okay? It's no more.

[Shane]

And then Library of Alexandria burnt down worldwide.

[Matt]

Exactly. And then every. And then we come, you know, a few hundred years later, people go, ah, yeah, this actually maybe that was causing the problem. Let's let's fire science back up. But all they're left with are like the, the broken pieces of what science once was. So they're like resurrecting bits and pieces of this once, like comprehensive body of knowledge. And then they. All they can do is try to use the bits and pieces to like, basically gain themselves an advantage with like, it's like a half understanding of a thing. And they try to like use those to like basically promote their own kind

[Shane]

of just kind of like me having any argument with anyone.

[Matt]

Well, that's what it's.

[Shane]

I have like three shards and I'm like, well, actually I saw a 30 second video that said different.

[Matt]

So that's. And that's. He goes like, you know that that's where we are with like moral debate now. Like, we've, we've completely shattered the foundation of it. And it's just people with bits and pieces who have feelings.

[Sean]

Right.

[Matt]

Who just want to be right and want you to agree with them.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

He's like, that's just kind of where we're at.

[Shane]

And I mean, Hitler was really good at that too.

[Matt]

Who's nasty?

[Shane]

Yeah. Like, all those guys who like moved people to commit. Awful. Were really good at fucking moving the crowd.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Communicating without any kind of like logic behind it. And it's literally people looking and being like, that guy's good.

[Matt]

Yeah, I like that.

[Shane]

I'm gonna vote for that guy. He's loud.

[Matt]

Guys getting charged up.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

But that's, that was his whole thing. He like takes all these like big debates in our time and he's like, we'll never get to the bottom of them. Like, he's like, abortion. He's like, it's just two different people being like, well, let me, let me tell you the facts of the matter. I'm objective here. You're complete. And then people just sit there and argue and event essentially go. The argument's like, you're a piece of. And if you agree with me, you'd be good.

[Shane]

Right.

[Matt]

It's like that's, that's what we're left.

[Shane]

You try to scold them into agreeing with you. Historically, one of the worst ways to move the needle at all.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Is to try and demean and make small.

[Matt]

Yeah. Now the book, the book is cool. He basically talked. He's like the, the, the. From his, you know, point of view. And it's, it's like really complicated. I had to get like a book about the book to understand it because it is kind of like dense.

[Shane]

You're listening to, like, the succession podcast after the episode for your book?

[Matt]

Pretty much, yeah. But he's like, it's. It's so. It goes so far back to where, like. Like, he was like, we've. We've had, like, a series of things happen within, like, you know, from, like, Aristotle all the way to postmodernism at, like, points where we, like, we. You know, we. We ditched the Aristotle point of view, which I don't fully understand, but it's more or less just like, a guy who's, like, undogmatic about, like, you know, he doesn't have, like, the influences of the Church, just, like, the ancient Greeks looking around, like, what is the sickest thing I could do for myself that would increase the stoke for the collective and myself at the same time. Yeah. Then you have the church come in. It's like, well, dude, if you come, you're evil.

[Shane]

Right.

[Matt]

So then everyone got this, like, weird. Where they're like, oh, the what's good is like, kind of an external authority that I have to kind of obey. And then that got shattered to where it's like, now, man, just do whatever you feel. Right. So now you're just. You have these, like, completely kind of unrelated, contextless people just, like, having emotional reactions and trying to, like, police others to, like, regulate their own emotions.

[Shane]

Yeah. Trying to control this world. It's complete chaos.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And, like, we all have our own reality that originates from this thing.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And then we're just like little nation states wandering around, bumping into people.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know, it's like, there's no community. There's no connectedness. It's really scary. I was telling him to join a bowling league, I think. Or. No, it was that Dylan kid. I was like, get back to bowling, bro.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane]

We need to find something that's.

[Matt]

That's kind of. That's kind of the thing. He's like, we got to strip it down to, like, the smallest, tiniest communities and get those things to work. And then from there, you can kind of branch out because he's like, yeah,

[Shane]

pretty much the tenants of anarchy.

[Matt]

But, yeah, pretty much. I love you. You love systems of coercion. But it is fun. It's funny. He's basically like. Like, we're so far gone that even, like. Like, the. The things have become so distorted that even if you, like, go to school for philosophies, like, you're basically just kind of jerking yourself off because the tools you're using are just, like, just complete chaos. None of it makes sense. There's no context to anything.

[Shane]

It's just like regurgitating facts that some other guy. And it's also funny because, like, in philosophy, like, there's no truths, you know, it's like people like arguing for their like, objective truth or whatever. So it's like kind of like with comedy where you're like, how do I, like, make it in comedy? And there's like no playbook whatsoever. And we're all just like kind of chasing this like, imaginary tale.

[Matt]

Well, you post your episode every day at 2pm on Wednesday and that gets the algorithm 100%.

[Shane]

It gets used.

[Matt]

Yeah, but no, it's exactly that.

[Shane]

Well, I was, I was envious of you last night when you said that you spent Easter with your neighbors and that some of your neighbors came to the show because, like, I'm not at all like entrenched in my neighborhood at all.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Despite, like some legitimate effort, you know, like going to the community center, like all this shit, like, like outside waving to people, everyone's walking their dog with headphones on. Like.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Even when they're out on your city sidewalk, you can't still like engage with the people who live three minutes away. And it's very frustrating. And I think that a lot of people are just like completely alone and disconnected. And then they have like a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they like cling on until it dies. Like Lenny from Mice and Men. Just like crushing the one thing that loves you and sees you as who you are. And then you get mad, mad at them because they make you feel like a baby sometimes. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Then you're just a joker.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

There's a bunch of us that are just the joker out there.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And that's what I want to talk to you about is this like, initiative that I want to do.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Help these dudes, these dead eyed dudes I see at the merch table who are like, you know, doing pharmaceuticals. They get online to enjoy the comedy show with the guy they really like. Yeah. The one time we come to their town and they still have to be up at the show. Not just booze, but it's like a variety of things.

[Sean]

Things.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Like completely whacked out.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. Well, I will say the neighborhood cohesion, that's all my wife, she's very like, she's very outgoing and friendly and she. We were there for like a year and then she had already had like, she joined this group. It's like the, you know, like the, like a mom Group of, like, our neighborhood. And next thing I know, we would have, like, 20 people at her house all going out together. It's really nice.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Play basketball now. It's like we play basketball every year.

[Shane]

That's what I want. I want to, like, play pickleball. I want to play bocce. Play pickleball, you know?

[Matt]

Yeah, bocce. You need a sick hat for bocce.

[Shane]

I have a sick hat. All I have is this.

[Matt]

What would you go with? Bowler fedora?

[Shane]

No, dude, I have like a big, like. Like, almost like Yao man farmer. Like an Asian, but not really. Like a Mongolian step hat.

[Matt]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Shane]

It has, like, a crazy braid under here, and I tie it off and it's like a scarf. I just look like a widow in the south, you know? Like, I should be in a rocking chair, but I want to put that gear on and hit the bocce pit.

[Matt]

And you should. That's kind of. You can't, honestly.

[Shane]

Well, I could go play by myself like a psycho in my big hat, and then no one's going to want to play with me if they see me alone.

[Matt]

Might be field of dreams.

[Shane]

Oh, he got early onse Alzheimer's.

[Matt]

You'd have one guy be walking his dog, and he'd go home, put on his fedora, and take every ounce of courage. And you walk up and be like, hey, man, you mind if I toss those balls?

[Shane]

Just a bunch of guys who have a hat they've been waiting to wear, and then they see me and they're like, that's the spark. He's the change he wants to see. Yeah, man. I'm also coming around on this, like, fat guy thing. Like, I think it's kind of cool. The fat people are like, you know what you, like? It's hard for me. I'm going to be fat. I'm tired of being told I'm fat. I'm fat bodied. I'm not obese. That's a medical term.

[Matt]

Yeah, get the fucking calories off soda. Get you look at that yourself. I don't see that.

[Shane]

And, like, fat people, for the most part, are either, like, really funny or, like, have never said a funny thing ever. So it's really hard to, like, know which one you're dealing with. Because I'll see a fat guy, like, in public and be like, all right, this guy's gonna do something. And then he's just like, yeah, I have to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond again.

[Matt]

It's so true.

[Shane]

My sheets are yellow.

[Matt]

It's either the funniest guy ever, or it's just like, like, not at all.

[Shane]

Well, it's because it's a really fat kid. You learn how to be funny to get along and defend yourself, or you just, like, take it and bullet sponge and become harder and harder while you're getting softer and softer. And then, like, you know, you have to go to college and interact with people, and you're like, I'm not fat. You have, like, a breathing device. It's like, yeah, fat people take it back, bro.

[Matt]

Well, what's. What's the idea. What's. What's the.

[Shane]

Dealing with a fat, like, problem, too? I'm having identity crisis because I still feel like I need to be there for my fat brethren, but also, like, kind of show them, like, a path towards. Because, like, I. A lot of identity involved in being a fat guy. Yeah, it's like, not just the fact that, like, I was fat. It was like, well, now I'm a fat, funny guy who has, like, a little bit of a public life. So I lose this weight. Like, what clown am I?

[Matt]

It's a comedy mech suit.

[Shane]

Right? And then you're 36 saying, what clown am I? And you're like, this is all gone. Like, I'm so beyond anything that makes sense. I'm just going to, like, try and lose some weight so I can, you know, see my niece, graduate or whatever.

[Matt]

No, I think you're rocking it. I think you're. I get it, though. That would. Yeah. If I was.

[Shane]

I can't turn my back back on them. No, the fats.

[Matt]

No, you can't.

[Shane]

Those are my guys.

[Matt]

Yeah, you can't.

[Shane]

And I'm still with them, and I get on stage and talk about weight loss. And, like, I see him out there, and I want them to know, like, I'm not talking to you, big fat guy.

[Matt]

Yeah, no, I. That makes sense, though. You never want to turn your back on the fast. I would never turn my back on the fats. I like. I do like teasing the fats, of

[Shane]

course, and they like getting teased. Yeah, they've been teased.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

But, yeah, no, that's. That's very important, you know. What was your idea for the young men that are just.

[Shane]

Oh, so, dude, I was talking to. I. I drove here from Houston yesterday, and, like, when I drive alone, that's the only time I, like, actually think, like, I disassociate, like, you most of the time. But I'm in a car by myself. I put on this American life until I can't hear it anymore.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And then I'm just like alone with my thoughts.

[Matt]

You talk to yourself?

[Shane]

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. But it's always like someone else is talking and I'm like, who said that? I'm so down in the rabbit hole of my own ass. But dude, so we have all these like young dudes out there, right, who like have pretty much like been told like, hey fellas, you ran the world, it's broken, we're taking you off the shelf. Yeah, it's great. You know, let someone else have the ball, they'll it up, we'll be back. Probably.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know, because ultimately, like, there's a lot of like when you knock everything off the shelf, which is created by capitalism, of course, that's the shelf. You have all these shards. And right now it's like mostly like straight white guys who are in shards. And like society at large is like, hey, good be shards for a while. So there's this like schon Freud of like, like, hey, actually like, shut up and listen. So like, just be worms for a while. So while they're down there, they're eating dirt and they're metastasizing, you know, and they're like spreading this disease. And it's like, I really think that someone has to give a about these guys who have been told that like, they're the reason the world is because like, you know, dudes Sean's age, like, they were told like, go to college, get a job, you'll own a house. Yeah, the American dream is yours. That's completely ripped in shreds. There's no American dream anymore. So you have all these dudes that like, just go deeper, deeper online and get meaner and meaner and like, you know, more galvanized into the echo chamber. And I'm thinking if we could get some of these dudes together at some kind of, like I've been saying, white guy conference, you know, which is bad. Hey, we're going to go into white guys together in Oklahoma City and you know, get it together. But I think if we could like throw some kind of like actual face to face event where we go in with people. Not like, do we have it figured out, but like, you're admirable. You've done a lot of looking inward. You have a psychology degree, you care about.

[Matt]

Asterisk.

[Shane]

Social work.

[Matt]

Social work.

[Shane]

Excuse.

[Matt]

I get what you were saying.

[Shane]

And it's like last night on stage you said you were like, you know, I'm worried about everyone all the time. I have a huge Heart. I have the same thing where it's like, I want to be the sin eater for all these kids who are sad. So it's like, if we could get them together and just, like, have radical honesty and talk about the things and have, like, Joe List do a symposium on, like, sobriety or, like, rainy. On, like, not being a. Like, all these dudes that, like, kind of are trying to get better and just exhibit this behavior in a place without any phones or booze, probably in the middle of the country.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I think we could actually, like, send these dudes back with some tools to not, like, shoot up the mall, because we're just. If we can negate, like, one woman flinching when her husband walks into the room.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

We've done our job.

[Matt]

That's true. A supposing would be nice. Nice. I was like, a nice symposium dude.

[Shane]

You go, you have your thing. It's. You don't have to be funny. You're gonna. You're gonna be funny because you can't help it. But, like, you got your presentation. You get up there for an hour, and then afterward, we can talk to these dudes. We can have little, like, breakoff groups where it's like, if you want to work on stuff specifically, like, we could moderate those. And I don't have any kind of, like, background in this, but I do care, and I want to help because, like, I've been doing stand up for 20 years, and it's, like, not boring, but, like, what's the next juice? Like, how can I actually be of service? Because I have a platform. I see the kids at the merch line. I see the hope in their eyes, but nothing curdles or becomes more corrosive than dead hope.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The dead ambition. And we got to get in there and the scars of them and the wounds and, like, clear out all that dead debris. So, like, they can heal, bro. We got to be gardens they can grow in.

[Matt]

That'd be sick.

[Shane]

Because right now we just, like, provide them some shit. That's escapism. That's great. That's not service. We're. This is not altruistic. We're benefiting off of this. I'm trying to sell my tickets, you know, Sean needs new tires.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So it's like, I'm not trying to pretend that what I do when I go on stage is emancipating them from their actual problems, but, like, I would like to, like, try and help more.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The only way I think I can do it is to be, like, be able to touch them, you know, tell them like, hey, man, it's not your fault. Like, sorry your dad was mean, you know? Or like, be like, it is your fault and let's fix it.

[Matt]

Yeah. I'm just thinking how we can monetize this.

[Shane]

Well. So $5,000 a day. All right. Yeah, we cap it at a thousand.

[Matt]

Dude, I would love to do a symposium. That'd be really nice. The pr. Here's the problem.

[Shane]

The.

[Matt]

The things like this that exist.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That get self promotional look so brutal.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Sean]

The manosphere.

[Shane]

I want to call in. I want to call it returning to the Odium.

[Matt]

Turn of the Odium.

[Shane]

You know the Odium. No, the Odium was like the. The Roman idea of work was looked down upon. Like, we're in this whole like, thing of like hustle, grind, like work 20 hours a day. Like that's what a man does. They look down on that. Like what a man's ultimate pursuit was, was like to try and like, better himself, Learn, create art. Like luxuriate, reflect. Not luxury, but like, have time to reflect.

[Matt]

Dude, you're talking. This is the return to Aristotle. This is what McIntyre is talking about.

[Shane]

I'm saying return to odium. That's what we're trying to build.

[Matt]

That's tight.

[Shane]

And it's just like, if we can give them the tools to not be mean to their boss at work who is a. Yeah. Or at least try and like take a breath before you pop off at that next meeting.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know, before you spike the can of liquid death because you killed for an hour. Except for one second. Yeah.

[Matt]

I flubbed the last line on my closer last night and I was walking off stage, I had my liquid death and I was for real about to just hurl it down the steps. And there's like a camera right there. And I'm like, bro, I can't be on camera spazzing. So I squeezed it. Yeah, I squeezed it. This absolute spaz just.

[Shane]

He comes in the green room and he was like, I fucked up the last line. I was like, yeah, make sure you focus on that instead of the other 99.9. That's also what I would do. Which is true. True. I would for sure get off. And like, I would. I couldn't even go in the green room. I'd be in the stairwell, like, well,

[Matt]

I do like to get back to the green room as fast as possible just because I love it. People like, damn, you're already back. And I'm like, yeah, dude, I moved pretty quick. I had multiple fish to fry. But I'm still stewing.

[Shane]

I was like, so you want people to think you're a wraith? Or, like, Nightcrawler

[Matt]

vampire speed. You want a vampire show? And they're like, yeah, yeah, that's what I want. Like, damn, do you have vampire speed?

[Shane]

That's so funny. To get off stage and be like, just run to the green room to, like, impress, you know, Kurt Metzger, how quick you are.

[Matt]

That's all I had left. I was like, I flubbed the flub. The closer. I got to be fast. That's all I had.

[Shane]

It was the second to last word you said, too, that you up.

[Matt]

I know.

[Shane]

Oh, I know. I was. I was telling him. I was out there watching him last night, getting real stone with Butterly up on the balcony. And, like, I was. I was watching and I was like, dude, that's my friend. And, like, all these people are here to see him, and he's really good at his job, and I'm up here in, like, the coolest comedy club, and I can smoke weed in here. Like, life is so cool.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Just like, a moment when you, like, can connect with what's actually happening instead of, like, the facade of it. So anyway, dude, that's my big pitch is I want to, like, try and help.

[Matt]

That'd be nice.

[Sean]

It's really nice. I worry that people won't appreciate it, though. I worry they're stuck in their ways.

[Shane]

Well, and that's fine. But I do think that people who would actually take the trip to Oklahoma City and we're not going to have it be 10,000 people, it's going to kind of be like skank fest for guys who like to do crafts, you

[Matt]

know, that'd be nice.

[Shane]

Yeah. And we'll have a class on, you know, killing the voice in your head that calls stuff gay. That'll be a class. I want to do one on ambition. And it's just every slide says, you will die one day and just be like, so that's why I do stuff, because I know this is going to happen. And you might be thinking, well, I'll put it off. And it's like, well, tomorrow this could happen to you, and it will happen in the blink of an eye. Yeah, you will die. Because it's, like, so easy to, like, actually use your time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

If you could just be shown, like, how much time you wasted on your phone on your deathbed, said, where my new thing is. If before, like, St. Peter, like, greets you, he's like, you want more life? Let's see how you used yours. And then it's like literally seven years of like you scrolling actual real time. Seven years.

[Matt]

Oh, easily, man. I mean, I'm. I've gotten down to three hours a day and that's like. That was like major.

[Shane]

That's huge.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's so rocking. I think like six at least is like the baseline.

[Shane]

Do you wake up and look at your phone immediately? Dude, that's like the big one I'm fighting right now.

[Sean]

I do do.

[Shane]

Yeah. Just all right away. The world's mad at you.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

40 emails. You have to.

[Sean]

I'm mad at them too.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah. I'll check the weather every now and again. But I, I typically don't get up and do phone right away.

[Shane]

Well, you also have like, kids, so you don't have like priorities. And I wake up and I'm like,

[Matt]

at, at the hotel.

[Shane]

Oh, ticket counts aren't good in Phoenix,

[Matt]

dude, that's the story of my life.

[Shane]

But I hate it.

[Matt]

Yeah. If I'm in the hotel by myself, that's when the phone rules. I'll like wake up and just be

[Shane]

like, dude, if I'm in a hotel, bro. Yeah. Hit city skylines until I got to go to the show on that laptop. Putting in residential zones and watching it grow, bro.

[Matt]

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[Shane]

Hey, everyone, come see me Live. Helium April 8th in Atlanta. Come see me Wit's End Comedy Lounge, North Charleston. I'll be at Mic Drop in Detroit. The Comedy Nest in Montreal. Ottawa, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Buffalo. Both zanies. Madison Dr. Grins. Get those tickets from Punch up Live. And if you wouldn't mind buying my pre ordering my book. Book. My next novel's out September 22nd from Random House. But I would like to get to 10, 000 pre sales so I can be a bestseller and beat Mr. Beast and James Patterson.

[Matt]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Shane]

It's a sick book. Violent book of erotic revenge. Gay hitman in Paris doing one Last job, bro. Last 30 pages are just a violent onslaught. Phantasmagoria. I'm really stoked on it. It's pretty.

[Matt]

That's awesome, man. Yeah, I mean definitely, definitely go see Sam live.

[Shane]

That.

[Matt]

That last night was so funny.

[Shane]

Thanks, man.

[Matt]

So definitely go do that in the book. The first book was awesome. I'm excited. I'm excited to read the second too, bro.

[Shane]

I'm so stoked on this thing and it's been my like a year over it.

[Matt]

Let's go.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Sean, what you got, bro?

[Sean]

Oh, I'll be in Springfields, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City and Cincinnati, Ohio in May. Please come see those shows if you can. And Optimum Noctis at the Creek in the Cave the first and third Tuesday of Every month.

[Shane]

Hell yeah.

[Matt]

Hell yeah, man.

[Sean]

Thank you very much, shini.com.

[Matt]

well, guys, I'll be April 10th, I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater, St. Paul, Minnesota. And then I'll be at Des Moines, Iowa on 41111 the next day. And then here's the big ones, man. 417. Cursed. Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be at the celebrity Theater. It's in the round. It's a toy.

[Shane]

That's the one Mitch Hedberg laid down on. What? He would lay down and they would just threw pills at him on stage and he would be circling and he would like see a pill and just eat it. What? Yeah, him stand up. Told me this story. That's like legendary spot, dude.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Well, I think it slowly spins, dude.

[Matt]

Does it?

[Shane]

I thought so. Yeah.

[Matt]

I'm worried I won't complete the circle. I need to get the sale so I don't do it in the 270. I'm worried I won't get the full round going. I'm doing the um.

[Shane]

You brutal suck.

[Matt]

So guys, please come to the Celebrity Theater. I. I'll literally. I'm gonna hire seat fillers if you guys don't come.

[Shane]

I'm gonna buy all the seats so no one's there.

[Matt]

Just leave a big block of no seats. Celebrity Theater 417. That's going to be fun. And I also am. I love the round. Yeah, I'm a pig for the round, actually. I really come alive in the round, guys. After that, 418, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. And then 5:15 I'll be in Toronto. Know that'll be fun. That's two shows and I. I believe they're going to be sold out. So there might be a little bit of tickets on the last show.

[Shane]

Great Comedy town.

[Matt]

Yeah, I'm excited for Toronto. They've been showing me a lot of love. Unlike ass. Phoenix, Arizona, guys. And then finally the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. That's going to be very fun. I. I love Chicago. So come to that, when are you there? May 16th.

[Shane]

I'll be there.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane]

I'll be in town. I'm at Zany's that weekend. I'm trying to pop over.

[Matt]

Oh, please.

[Shane]

Wait, wait, wait. You're there the same at the end it. Go see Matt everyone, please.

[Matt]

That'll be awesome.

[Shane]

Let's hang out. Yeah, I think McCann's gonna be around too. What? I think McCan's there the 15th or something.

[Matt]

Dude, that'll be awesome.

[Shane]

Yeah, that'd be cool.

[Matt]

Guys, Chicago, it's just there's a comedy storm coming in in Chicago.

[Shane]

It's not just your babe. It's the best thing from that city. It's also the people who buy comedy tickets.

[Matt]

That's true.

[Shane]

That's right.

[Matt]

There's a funny front moving in.

[Shane]

Dude, the wind stream broke. It's nothing but giggles all across the Midwest. Breath.

[Sean]

I'll be in Tulsa.

[Matt]

Okay. Get it. Let's get back to the show.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I was brainstorming a show idea. I had a couple different ones, but one of them was just an absolute, like, a crowd work Blue man group, where it's just like, five people just take the stage. And it's just. You're just the whole time. It's just like. It's like, you know, like the crowd work guys have, like, headset.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

But there's five people.

[Shane]

Christopher Titus.

[Matt]

Yeah, but it's five people at once just going nuts. And then it evolved.

[Shane]

Doing crowd work all at once. And you can hear every one of them speaking to speak.

[Matt]

Yeah. Simultaneously. But. But then it was like, you know what? No, not even that. What I want to do is do a live exercise class where it's comedians with headsets, and you just scream at people exercising. Like a drill instructor.

[Shane]

I did that yoga.

[Matt]

I did.

[Shane]

They brought me in one time in Denver to do, like, like, a sip and yoga thing, and they brought me in as, like, the fake yoga host. And I was like, that's a funny idea. It's a great idea. Pays $40. Sure. Who cares? So I did it, dude. But I didn't know anything about yoga, so people were just getting mad. Like, people like, this is their whole thing. It's like, they look forward to yoga all day at work, and then there's a fat guy out there wearing short shorts and a headband being like, why doesn't everyone do upward dog? We're always doing downward dog. And people are like, what are you doing? And they didn't know it was a prank, as I thought I was a fat guy ruining their one thing.

[Matt]

That's a great idea. Yeah.

[Shane]

But I think if you told people that it was an exercise class hosted by comedians, that'd be good.

[Matt]

I would. I want to do a yoga class where I slowly. You know, you start. Because, like, a lot of the real, kind of like, OG Yoga instructors will start, like, hitting you with passages from, like, you know, like, ancient, like the Bhagavad Gita or whatever. That'd be nice to, like, start that way, then slowly slide into, like. Like, militant is like, Like a big militant Islam. Yeah.

[Shane]

Try and sneak it in. Yeah, just sneak it in.

[Matt]

Slowly build. So, like, at the very end, during, like, the Shavasana, when they all lay there, just be like. And Pakistan will rise again.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Death to the. Yeah, that'd be kind of sick.

[Shane]

Indians are dogs. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be good. Good. Or. Or you transition from that into, like, just panta lyrics at the end. You just, like, read stanzas from Pantera.

[Matt]

It be nice to go into, like, heavy, like, black magic, Satanism.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. Towards the very end, lights go low and low. You're completely nude at the end.

[Matt]

Yeah. Like, in any. In anything, no matter what, you have to crush your opponents. Any means necessary. Their blood is your reward.

[Shane]

Blood for the blood God. You are the blood God. Get the marrow from the bone. Yeah, that'd be great.

[Matt]

That'd be nice. Uhhuh.

[Shane]

I'd be. I mean.

[Matt]

But I agree. I. I think it would be nice, man. That. That's kind of the. That was kind of one of the main things where it's like, yeah, you got to figure out something to do where it's like, well, you're basically. You are a social being, you know, more or less, and you have to figure out a way to.

[Shane]

How we survived our evolution.

[Matt]

Exactly. So, yeah, I think that would be nice to do a nice little symposium.

[Shane]

And, like, it would probably be a nightmare. And of course, as soon as I have to send two emails to find the hotel conference room, it'll be over for me. But we need to find a woman to plan this men's only retreat.

[Matt]

Got one.

[Shane]

Uhhuh.

[Matt]

Yeah, we have type A babes. You can just stick the type A babes on it.

[Shane]

Because my. If I tell my wife, she'll say, oh, yeah, we should be helping white guys more. It's like, it's not just white guys. They're the ones who need the help.

[Matt]

Well, here's the thing.

[Shane]

You can.

[Matt]

You can title it. Symposium for white guys. And probably a lot of Mexican guys, Indian guys. Black guys are welcome. That'd be a pleasant surprise.

[Shane]

We'd love a black guy.

[Matt]

That would be really cool.

[Shane]

We're going to have a black speaker. Asterisk. Gay guys, butter leaves. What about gay guys? Gay guys. And I was like, oh, yeah, in there, they got their own problems.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And it's not like, I don't know, dude. I just feel like when you can't figure out your own, it's a lot easier to, like, either go inward or you can, like, help other people. So like, I feel like when you're at this depression, this like, just like ruined state that a lot of people are in, exhausted, no dignity, everyone's mad at them. It's like, teach them how to help other people. And I think we can just like plant these little seeds that like, go back to like, like Bristol, Tennessee. And you know, next thing you know, there's four nice dudes in Bristol, Tennessee. It's like, we're gonna fix everything, dude. But like, if people actually want to do the work, I think we could bring them together.

[Matt]

I think so. I think people. Yeah, I think that'd be actually, it'd be a nice thing.

[Shane]

It would be.

[Matt]

Either way, it'd be a very fun event if you got to go to sort of symposium and it was just a bunch of people, a bunch of comedians and stuff.

[Shane]

And it's not like scholars. No, it's not people who are going to bore you or like impress you with their bona fides. It's just like me up there, dude. Like, hey guys, I'm not that great, but like, I've done some stuff and here's how I've achieved it. And it's just like picture of my mom in her casket, you know, So I remember this. And then I put my phone away and I work on my book. Because I'll be in there. And I'll be in there so soon. And you'll all be in there so soon. Yeah. We don't even exist. If you look at time. We're an anomaly.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

We were never here.

[Matt]

Dude, that's a. That'd be cool. I think that'd be a lot of fun, dude. Getting to do like a 45 minute PowerPoint on just like. Like, I'm gonna try to boil down anything that I think is like, use that's been useful to me and putting it. That'd be so fun. And it'd have to be headset. My. My only condition is headset mics unbuttoned all the way.

[Shane]

I'm right here, bro. I'm up there like this naked new. We all have to be nude at this thing.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Radical honesty means being nude. Yeah, like, psych. No, like, you know, was. Was in this vein.

[Matt]

That was my. I was trying to figure out how you take the. The AA n a model.

[Shane]

Right.

[Matt]

Instead of like, you don't need to be like smoking crystal meth. It's just for everybody. Because apparently it works for a lot of people.

[Shane]

I think. I think it works maybe if you can apply that kind of to People who don't have substance issues.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like, I think it might help even more.

[Matt]

I think that was. I was always trying to do that, but it is difficult. It's like kind of hard to wrangle everybody. Symposium could be the move though.

[Shane]

Also it is gay. Like that's the issue. It is like trying to help people and say like, hey, I want to be like the sin eater for the. The world is like ultimately a very embarrassing cringe thing. But like, we need to return to sincerity. We need to embrace earnestness. We've made a living with irony and like, you know, not taking anything seriously. And now I just think that I really want to like tap into some, I don't know, searching truth, that kind of thing.

[Matt]

It's so bizarre because that's all we have is beauty. That's truth. That's the whole point of that book I'm reading. It's literally. It's more or less. That's like one of the major points is, you know, it's a weird, you know, one of those things. It just kind of syncs up.

[Shane]

But. Yeah, that's crazy. You're very smart and admirable and I would love to have you involved in this project.

[Matt]

I would love. That'd be awesome.

[Shane]

Sick.

[Matt]

I'm pretty dumb though.

[Shane]

Sean, you're not allowed.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You're the enemy of progress.

[Matt]

I have nothing to offer.

[Shane]

You'd be in there wasting.

[Sean]

That's what I've been thinking about this whole time, is that I have. I don't think I have anything to offer these people.

[Matt]

You could be like a youth pastor.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You can just take like 16 year old.

[Sean]

Rock and roll.

[Matt]

I don't know, guys. Talk about cigarettes. Should probably learn like at editing software. That could be useful for you.

[Shane]

It'd be really funny to like build up for like three days of like progress, like men crying breakthroughs, and then have Sean be like the keynote speaker on the last day and just ruin everything.

[Matt]

That, that is, that. That's the thing. That's the. That is the how do. It's like the tough thing. Because the. It's such a nice thing. And it like, I. If you're being genuine, you're like, yeah, that is like, that's good. Then you just see someone film it and put it out and you're like, that sucks.

[Shane]

And I do. I think it's like, no cameras, no booze.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

No, I don't think you can have boo thing. I think we'll have shuttles. It'll drive you to whatever Airport hotel bar is nearby. Like, we'll make it easy for you to have a fun time with your new friends. Yeah, but, like, we can't be there addled on our phones. Obviously, people will be stoned.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Me included.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm gonna hang out with you and Butterly for three days. Yeah.

[Matt]

I actually did want to ask you. So you have your last. Whenever I talk to you, have the weed really dialed in?

[Shane]

Trying, bro. Yeah.

[Matt]

So what. What, like, progress have you made with that in terms of finding, like, specific types of weed that agree with you?

[Shane]

And also, I thought live rosin was, like, the key, but it's actually the terp profile. You know about terps? Like, all the. That makes it smell that way. So, like, you have all these different terps, and based on the weeds that I like and the weeds that I don't like, like, I can't smoke Headband and, you know, or I can't smoke Lemon Haze. Then you find out, like, Limoline is an active terp in there. And then the stuff I do, like, has, like, mercine and linalool. So now I'm, like, looking back through, like, all these strains and like, like following the genetics all the way back to find out, like, what the mother plants are. And it turns out that, like, cookies runs, like, all these sweet things work for me, but, like, mangoes don't work because they have too much lysine or whatever it is. So it's just kind of being aware of what strains work for you and then, like, trying to, like, actually get to, like, the terp profiles of that.

[Matt]

And that's to avoid, like, a bug out, basically.

[Shane]

Total bug out. Yeah, Like, I can't have, like, Durban poison.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But I love Durban poison. But every third time I smoked urban poison, and I'm, like, under the couch like a dog in a thunderstorm.

[Matt]

Freaking out.

[Shane]

Yeah, like, freaking out. Calling my wife at work like, I'm having a heart attack. She's like, did you hit the puffco? I'm like, that has nothing to do with this. It's one in the afternoon. Who would be high on live rosin right now? I woke up an hour ago. There's no way I'm high.

[Matt]

That's blueberry. Blueberry. Anything is, like, good for me.

[Shane]

Me too.

[Matt]

I have the blueberry. I'm good. If I had. There's certain ones I have where I'm like, I'm schizophrenic now for, like, 30 minutes.

[Shane]

Because, like, I'm like, you. Where it's like, I understand that, like, weed is a drug, but, like, I still want it to be a part of my life. Life. Because I'm not on, like, SSRIs or anything.

[Matt]

Exactly.

[Shane]

There's, like, all these people who are like, you need to be high. It's like, no, but, like, I'm taking a thing that, like, makes me able to engage with reality a little bit easier.

[Matt]

Yeah, Well, I just. I, like, I. I'll, like, take weed out of the. The mix because, you know, I'll, like, bug out. Or I'll be like, I don't even need it. And then I put it back in and I'm like, yeah, I kind of need this in my system a little bit all the time.

[Shane]

And that could be like 2.5 milligrams.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Edible, bro. Yeah, like. Like, I'm like, I don't know. I thought you had to smoke the whole 8th in 24 hours for most of my life. Or it's like, if you get a thousand milligram bar, it's like, well, I'll eat this and just deal with it.

[Matt]

Bug out.

[Shane]

Yeah, I'll just be on drugs. I think it's weed.

[Matt]

I've run the experiment, and it's like, if I. If I, like, go off of weed entirely, like, I can do it.

[Shane]

It's.

[Matt]

It's really not hard. It's just, like, I get, like, very. I feel, like, serious.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. Weird. It's like a weird feeling I get, like, very.

[Shane]

Just kind of like, I'm a man.

[Matt]

I don't know what it is. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

No, I get it too, bro.

[Matt]

It's weird.

[Shane]

Hard ed, you know, and, like, not as. Not as eager to be, like, giddy.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know, like, all the pot, like, the bad stuff about weed, like, I get it, but I think I just, like, need to be able to have it in my life. Yeah. Or else life isn't as much. I don't know.

[Matt]

No, I need so hard. I need to have a little weed because I. I don't know. Otherwise, I just get, like. I just get very serious. And I. I have, like. I think genetically I have, like, salesman brain. So if I don't. If I don't smoke weed, salesman brain takes over, and I just become, like, a. I don't know, something in my head where I'm just like, I should do this. This actually.

[Shane]

Right. Yeah. And I genetically have hobo brain, so when I'm not smoking weed, I just get, like, lost in these flights of fancy where I'm like, why don't we move to Peru, like, why are we. We're all scared of like, shit happening here. We go to Peru, our money will go longer. My wife's like, are you stone? And I'm like, actually, no.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

This is me thinking clear headed. I think the move is relocating you, your sister, your mom, your grandma's, our niece to Peru. I think that'd be best for us.

[Matt]

The Andes mountains, dude, it'd be so

[Shane]

great to like, be able to live lives in so many different places.

[Matt]

Yeah, you're a big traveler.

[Shane]

Well, it's just like, I know how limited the time here is.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's like, I want to sample the delicacies of this thing called life, bro. And it's like. And that's the issue of like, being me is like, I every. Every. Most of my thoughts are very gay, you know, like all the stuff that I love. Like, I'm stoked to go home and like plant my flowers hours and like, get my day lilies going.

[Matt]

Don't really start on gardening. That's my, that's my big one right now. Yeah, it is.

[Shane]

I've seen you post your. Your stuff's great, bro.

[Sean]

Thank you. Yeah, I gotta get started again.

[Matt]

Fired up.

[Sean]

Pep is going because I think it's

[Shane]

the last year we can grow stuff.

[Sean]

Why that?

[Shane]

Because, like the anomalies happening in weather, it's like, they're like the, the jet stream is breaking, so now weather's just gonna like break out of whatever tube it's kept in and like. Yeah, you know, make it like 30 degrees in July or whatever. Whatever.

[Matt]

You think that's gonna happen soon?

[Shane]

I don't know, dude. That's what the science.

[Matt]

You know, I'd be so pissed if my frost right now in the summer, that's.

[Shane]

That's because like, they used to say, you know, you could plant like April 1st or whatever, and now they're like, wait till Mother's Day. And now they're kind of like, well, if you can get it going whenever, like, you might have to beat a late frost. But so it's just. Yeah, that's where.

[Matt]

Wait, what's, what's your garden set up right now?

[Shane]

Nothing right now because I haven't put it in yet. But like, I planted a bunch of trees last year, first year, so we got the trees. And then this year it's like raised bed beds and Yeah, I want to have a cutting garden and then some like, food and herbs. But mostly I want to just grow beautiful flowers and like, sit back there in my very Expensive chairs I bought from France again, dude. I mean, I was. This body was wasted on me. I should not have been born, like, a huge straight guy. I should be, like, a very gay, like, Haitian dude. Just like, wearing, like, you know, like a head wrap. Remember, like, the vampire, like, the gay vampire from that was it. Anna Paquin's vampire show on hbo, Back

[Matt]

in the True Blood.

[Shane]

True blood, yeah. Remember the gay guy? That should have been me.

[Matt]

Who was the gay guy?

[Shane]

He was, like, the bartender.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Shane]

Black guy, Very, like, Caribbean.

[Matt]

Wow.

[Shane]

Yeah, that was guy for sure. That should have been me.

[Matt]

Yeah, that guy was. You know what I'm talking about. No, he almost. He would borderline cross dress, almost.

[Shane]

Oh, it was like. He was a. He was like, if your dad, like, did an impression of a gay guy in blackface, like that. That's who this guy was.

[Matt]

He had beautiful eyes.

[Shane]

Oh, he was great.

[Matt]

Yeah, he had beautiful eyes.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

He had beautiful, very effeminate eyes.

[Shane]

And, like, that's another thing. It's like, androgyny is attractive. Like, all this stuff that I have. It's like, I cannot wait to go to the botanical gardens in Atlanta on Wednesday.

[Matt]

Dude. I will say there's something really nice about growing flowers. I've been growing, like, rose bushes, dude.

[Shane]

And driving you nuts.

[Matt]

Oh, my. It's the best. I love when they know.

[Shane]

When they.

[Matt]

When they blossom. I like. I really. I come down. I. I come down every morning. I check out my garden. Any new. New shoot or bud, I see it and I go, dude, this is awesome. Anytime I see a new little thing, I'm like, oh, I did that. Yeah.

[Shane]

Me and nature.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Collab.

[Matt]

Yeah, man.

[Shane]

On this single cherry blossom, bud.

[Matt]

Especially when you get into, like, creating, like, a real soil ecosystem where you're like, I'm trying to really do, like. Like, not. I don't know if it's Korean farming, but it's just, like, using, like, you know, mulch, fertilizer. Like, it takes, like, years to get it established. And I see little bugs in my soil. I'm. I'm like, I did it, dude.

[Shane]

Ladybugs.

[Matt]

Ladybug.

[Shane]

We had pollinators last year because of the wildflowers. My wife was like, we have bees. This is terrible. And I was like, we have bees. This is. This is what we need. If we want the rest of this, we need these guys. Yeah. She's like, chill. My wife's always coming home, like, exhausted from being a doctor. And I'm like, hey, check this out. I, like, take her out back to show her a new bud on the, like, papa tree. And she's like, can I change out of my scrubs? And I'm like, no. Quick. All the poor work, she comes home to a little boy who then wants to try to have sex with her later every day.

[Matt]

I've been, I've been. I've been game planning this idea for, like, you know, if you have like a small backyard and you're limited, but you want to try to live off your land. I want to try to push the idea of people having, I guess, like, single house, but also, like very efficient factory farming to where, like, you could have like a, like a cow and like a lightless box in your backyard. It's like a genetically, like a clear. You could, like, see its internal organs.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's like a box of headless chickens. I want to take. I want to take factory farming and democratize it to where, like, we could all have just a bunch of like, weird, like, KFC genetics, like the island

[Shane]

of Dr. McCusker that just.

[Matt]

Those are making me laugh at pitching that to people. Just having like a lightless box where you have, like, a starved veal calf. You're, like, fattening with, like, grease.

[Shane]

Yeah. Just like fryer grease. Just a tube into its mouth.

[Matt]

Instead of like a big factory with a thousand of like, eyeless chickens, you could have like five in your backyard, right?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Just cloning them back there.

[Shane]

You can charge people to come look

[Matt]

at them, grind them into a pulp and eat them for your family.

[Shane]

Oh, the SWAT team would come to your house. There's like, there's a man creating abominations next door.

[Matt]

I want to be able to raise, like, McDonald's chicken nugget chickens. You know, I would, like, cut their vocal cords. They can't even make any.

[Shane]

And their eggs are as big as your fist. Yeah. And they're just back there like, saying like, kill me and chicken. And you're like, look how happy they are. That one's dancing. She's covered in bites.

[Matt]

Covered in their own.

[Shane]

Dude, I would love to have some kind of like, freaky animal menagerie in the backyard that you occasionally eat. Yeah.

[Matt]

It's all science. It's all science, right?

[Shane]

Yeah. You're. You're on the cutting edge for sure. Everyone will be doing this in 10 years saying that all the time.

[Matt]

Lab grown meat.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt]

That's all I'm talking about.

[Shane]

I think that's not crazy. I would love to have eggs.

[Matt]

Eggs be nice.

[Shane]

Eggs would be tight. Dude.

[Matt]

Everyone's thinking, like, how can I go full natural? It's like. Well, imagine if you can just go, like, full synthetic, help them with hormones. Just, like, all the. I put all the hormones in the

[Shane]

cows or just, like, have an impossible meat machine. You know, you're like, throwing coal in, like, nitrates.

[Matt]

I would just have a cow just, like, suspend. I'd have, like, an oxygen tank just suspended in water, and I would just fatten it up slowly, let it just get bigger.

[Shane]

Hey, man, I know what you're talking about. All right. I'm right there. Yeah, you want, like, a big, like, fucking, like, gelatinous cube. There's a bunch of tubes. Tubes going into a cow, and it's just like, floating in there.

[Matt]

Like the Wolverine tank.

[Shane]

Yes, exactly. Yes, Professor. It's your weapon X with cows. Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. I would slay that once a year, and I would have its clone take its place.

[Shane]

Oh, for sure.

[Matt]

Be awesome.

[Shane]

And you could do that. Like, not you for sure, but, like, someone could do that and implement that in the backyard. We're growing cows from seed.

[Matt]

It would be so fun to go to, like, an organic farming symposium and just present that idea machine. Have. No, just walk out and discuss.

[Shane]

You just. So you plant these and it grows hot dogs. Everyone. You can do this at the symposium. We're throwing that. Be nice.

[Matt]

You could have, like, a machine with, like. You could, like, selectively breed Siamese twin, like, pigs. And, like, you just keep kind of, like, somehow figuring how to clone, like, a twin to grow out of another one. You kill the other one. You have two younger, and you just

[Shane]

continue like a hydra, but with pork.

[Matt]

But the problem be getting in.

[Shane]

Muslims hate this one trip.

[Matt]

That be the problem. You'd have to figure out how can you, like, have a new kind of embryo grow out of the Siamese twins?

[Shane]

That would be the only problem.

[Matt]

Keep it going.

[Shane]

That I can see. Yeah. Everything else is pretty hard science.

[Matt]

It's come out. You're like, look, it's growing another eyeball out of its side. You're like, oh, nice, it's working.

[Shane]

Your daughters are sitting there horrified as you're just slowly going crazy and saving your urine and toenails. You feed them the pig. It helps it grow. It would be a lot better than having, like, real pigs in your backyard. Yeah, Pigs are always biting you. You gotta whip them with sticks.

[Matt]

Dude, I want a pig so bad. Dude, I want to keep your daughter's

[Shane]

fingers away from that pigs.

[Matt]

I know they'll bite. We had a pig in our backyard that was, like, super horny. And it would hump. It had, like, a Swedish exercise ball, and it would. It would hump it and jizz on

[Shane]

the ball, like H. Foley in that story he told.

[Matt]

But, yeah, no, I. I recently read Lonesome Dove, and I was. Oh, my God, dude, I'm so sold on having, like, a nice shot. Do they call pig shoes? I'm like, I want one so bad. Sit on my porch and just sit there and look at my shoats eating, like, snakes.

[Shane]

And dude.

[Matt]

And, dude, you can. You can do a thing where I. I don't know if this is, like, actually a viable idea, but you can rent goats to go clear land for people. Yeah, I would love to have just, like, five goats that I could just rent out to people and let them just munch all the poison ivy and on their way.

[Shane]

Yeah. Eat. The kids do.

[Matt]

Yeah, they'll eat everything.

[Shane]

You would like to be a shepherd?

[Matt]

I think I. Dude, I've said it before. I would love to be a chef. That's honestly my ideal job.

[Shane]

I honestly think that, like, maybe genetically, like, you're talking about, like, how you're a salesman brain. Like, I think that there's something in me that needs to be just, like, don't have an address. I was telling you on the way over, it's like you were saying in Australia, you, like, had a weird time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I'm like, yeah, if I'm home for seven days, I kind of wig out. Yeah. So, like, I can't, like, be still. And I think that there's some kind of, like, nomadic, like, just calling in my blood, bro, and it's not good.

[Matt]

Shepherding would be nice.

[Shane]

Shepherd's great, dude. You just, like, dress like an iman. You have a big crook. You're eating weird pies a woman hands you. Every now and then, you have to say a word for days. You have to find the wolf off the wolf. Yeah. Or you have a cool dog.

[Matt]

True. You have a good dog. What I've heard. I. I was. I was at a kid's birthday party recently, and they had, like, the petting, like, the ponies and horses.

[Shane]

You doing stand up?

[Matt]

No, no, I was attending. I was having fun just attending. And the guy. I. And I again, I just read Lonesome Dove, so I'm, like, just so horny for, like, cowboy knowledge of, like.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Animals.

[Shane]

You're calling stuff. Kaliche.

[Matt]

This guy, he's sitting there, and we're, you know, I'm starting. I'm talking mules with this guy who's, like, from the Horse farm. Yeah, I'm just, like. Just really happy to be there with, like, a native Texan. And he was like, well, you know how to get rid of wolves, right? And I was like, no, how? Just like, please. I would have sucked this guy's dick to him. And he was like, you get a couple good donkeys, they'll trample that you wolf underneath the donkey's hooves. And I had to just be like, what do they do, dude? He's like, they'll trample a wolf right to death. And I was like, I'm so happy. I know that.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I'm sitting there like, yeah, dude. But he was just like, yeah, you get a donkey, man. Could you think you would stand a donkey stomping on you? I was like, absolutely not.

[Shane]

No, sir. No, sir, I wouldn't.

[Matt]

No, sir, I would. I would die immediately. Yeah. Yeah. Just like, knowing that, I'm like, that's so cool. You know that donkeys will stomp on a wolf. And you could just, like, rest assured, be like, well, I got my donkeys, so I was going to train.

[Shane]

Donkeys are fine.

[Matt]

Yeah. So I didn't. I want to fact check that, but it's also. I almost don't want that to.

[Shane]

You're gonna see a lot of upsetting videos on either side.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

Either a donkey getting munched or a wolf getting pummeled.

[Matt]

But he's like, you get two good donkeys, man. You don't have to deal with wolves. And I was like, that's so sick. You know that?

[Shane]

Yeah. Well, mules are. I think mules are also, like, capable. I think donkeys and mules were, like, sacrificial, and, like, you kept the oxes safe, probably.

[Matt]

What do you mean?

[Shane]

Well, it's like, if you're, like, thinking about, like, the. The farm animals or, like, the agricultural, like, pack animals. Dispensable. Yeah, I think mules, and I think mules most dispensable. And then donkey and then, like, horse and then, like, ox, maybe.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know.

[Matt]

And that is. A mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But it can't breed.

[Matt]

You can't breed it.

[Shane]

Yeah. My grandma's people raised mules in New Mexico. And, like, they all had, like, mule skin shoes and. And, like, ate mule stew. Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Shane]

I try to talk about it on stage. People think I'm lying. My grandma's from a place called Wagon Mouse, and I say, those are my people. Mule ghouls from mountain. And people are like, you just wanted to say that this was all a lie so you could say that dumb

[Matt]

phrase, they think you're stealing. Mule, trader, valor.

[Shane]

100%.

[Matt]

That's.

[Shane]

I know.

[Matt]

That would piss me off.

[Shane]

Hey, man, it's just another day in the life of a Latino.

[Matt]

True.

[Sean]

I come from cowpoke. Yeah.

[Matt]

Do you really?

[Sean]

And my grandma and my grandpa met at a rodeo. They used to ride horses in the show.

[Shane]

My grandpa was a cowboy grandma who worked at the ranch. Robert and Roberta.

[Sean]

Bobby and Bobby Jean.

[Shane]

Wow.

[Matt]

God damn it. I've no I know cowboy in my blood at all. It sucks.

[Shane]

Yeah. But you guys have probably some, like, maritime knowledge. Like, you guys are probably at sea.

[Matt]

My dad is nasty with boat knots. Yeah. None of that. Very nasty with him, actually.

[Shane]

I'd meet your dad, much like you met that, like, donkey stomping wolf guy. And I'd be like, tell me more, sir. You were dipping myself.

[Matt]

He. He would talk. You could talk boat knots for hours. Yeah. It's actually, I'm pretty jealous of his knot abilities.

[Shane]

When a man knows the exact knot, I'm like, I didn't learn anything my entire life, dude.

[Matt]

He's nice with that. And also, like, trees is like, tree identification. Like, that's a silver birch. That's. It's like, dude, how do you know all this?

[Shane]

I said recently, my wife, I want to see a tree and be able to tell you what kind it is.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And she was like, please go to bed. I'm just hitting her with this gay barrage constantly. Meanwhile, she's like a dude, effectively.

[Matt]

I've been doing that with. With, like, ducks, because we have a pond near my house.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's, like, in, like, the neighborhood. They call it a lake. It's just a giant pond, but they have all these different ducks. And I. I. I've, like, taken pictures of all of them to, like, use. I use my phone to identify them, and I just, like, memorize it as hard as I can. So, like. And I'm just always waiting to, like, flex. Duck knowledge.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

The other day, we were up there. We're up there, and one of my wife's friends were like, yo, those one ducks look crazy. I'm like, that's a Muscovy praying. An Egyptian goose would walk into the scenes.

[Shane]

She's like, take me now, Matthew.

[Matt]

I was flexing on Sean. We were at the Japanese garden in Houston.

[Shane]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

I was like, that's a. He's like, those ducks are crazy. I was like, egyptian goose. Those things are my favorite.

[Sean]

Honestly, they Are really pretty.

[Shane]

How was that garden?

[Sean]

It's awesome.

[Matt]

It's so sick, actually.

[Shane]

I didn't go yesterday.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's. Next time I. We walked around. It's very really cool.

[Shane]

Yeah, just getting.

[Matt]

It's just like they have huge like chunks of natural granite. Just like big boulders everywhere. Water running down them koi ponds. I'm like, park was awesome.

[Shane]

You ever busted those ducks like doing it. You ever seen ducks mate?

[Matt]

No.

[Shane]

They have that classic corkscrew penis.

[Matt]

Really? I always heard that was pigs with the old.

[Shane]

Pigs have a weird one too. Tail. That's the tail.

[Matt]

But pigs have a curly. Curly. Funny.

[Shane]

A cho cho. Those things are.

[Matt]

What's the pig dick look like? I thought it was cork.

[Shane]

It's like, it's like. I don't think it's completely corkscrew, but I think it does like it has a hook. Can we. Can we get that up?

[Matt]

Very bad. Yeah. I'm going to see the pig dick and then a duck dick, if you don't mind.

[Shane]

And I think duck vaginas evolved to be quirk screws cuz ducks rape female ducks all the time. Oh, right, right. This is like rave knowledge. You know about this? Yeah, that's party safe, right?

[Matt]

That's the pig dick. Oh, so it's got a. Yeah, it's got a hook on it. Yeah, check that out. That's okay. All right, there we go.

[Sean]

So wait, is this on screen?

[Matt]

You can see. You can show p. Pig dicks on screen. Yeah, you can totally do that.

[Shane]

Sean's. It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it, buddy?

[Matt]

Is that. Oh, that's.

[Shane]

I.

[Matt]

That's a pig's butthole for no reason.

[Shane]

All right, I'm back.

[Matt]

You see that? He's lifting the pig's tail. That's a pig butthole right there.

[Shane]

This looks like my ass.

[Matt]

Let's see a duck dick. So yeah, the pig has just a little. Whoa. Yeah, get over there. That's a duck stick.

[Shane]

Yeah. Cuz I think it was like. I think it was reciprocal evolution because the female ducks like constantly getting raped. Oh, yeah, Sorry.

[Matt]

Damn. The duck's dick is like. It's like a sine wave. It's kind of tight.

[Shane]

Yeah, dude.

[Matt]

Okay, so it's like dig dug.

[Shane]

When you have to shoot things like the A6 logo.

[Matt]

Dang. And so that the duck is like rifle.

[Shane]

Yes. Rifle action because they wanted to prevent being, you know, forcibly impregnated. And then I think they're. Is this. Is this your understanding? Yeah, right. Yeah. They have to, like, relax, to allow. It's like anal. Yeah. I hate it, dude.

[Matt]

Okay. So in. In nature, though. So you're saying ducks don't have a big courtship element, Cuz like, some, like, you know, lizards. So it's just like, there's no mat and dance.

[Shane]

No one's showing off the plumage.

[Matt]

Dang. That's. That's a shame.

[Shane]

It's just like. Hey, you come here often? Yeah, it's pretty much how dudes had sex until, like, 1975 or whatever. Hey, you want to be safe? Carry my baby. Yeah. Dang.

[Matt]

Well, I didn't know that.

[Shane]

And see that you need to have. You could. In your weird menagerie you're building, you could just have, like, the penises growing.

[Matt]

That would be nice.

[Shane]

Like, in jars. We, like, have the neighborhood kids go,

[Matt]

you know, duck penis.

[Shane]

Duck penis.

[Matt]

Every now and again, I show them mine.

[Shane]

You have a necklace. We're not so different, you and I.

[Matt]

Now compare.

[Shane]

Yeah. Yours starts quirking. There's a penis documentary coming out about Sean. You didn't tell me about your new project. A guy who's collecting all. Every species of penis jars. What a.

[Sean]

He's dickhead.

[Shane]

The American. Or like, the human penis is. There's two guys competing to donate their penis. Wow.

[Matt]

What, once they die.

[Shane]

Yeah. What are they? Like, there's the biggest and the smallest.

[Sean]

Some people are doing it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Sean]

Before they die. All right.

[Shane]

German guy. For sure.

[Matt]

Sure. Yeah, for sure.

[Shane]

For sure. German guy.

[Matt]

Whoa. So some guys, like, just take it now.

[Shane]

He's like, take it now and eat the tip.

[Sean]

What does he win?

[Shane]

His penis in the museum.

[Matt]

Damn.

[Shane]

Until there's a flash flood.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

His dick's washed away.

[Matt]

God, that's so fun. The curator's in there every night. Take him out of the jar and just sucking different animals.

[Shane]

Brushing his teeth with one. Yeah.

[Matt]

There's two guys competing for the job.

[Shane]

Yeah. Hey, guess what? I'm gonna pull my name out of the hat. All right. I don't need to be in the race for permanent penis.

[Matt]

The curator and be like, I personally sucked every single one of these. The pig penis is exquisite.

[Sean]

Yeah. You have to try the duck, dude.

[Matt]

A bug. Imagine just sucking, like, a fly's penis.

[Sean]

That'd be a bum.

[Shane]

You're praying mantis penis. Yeah. Oh, I. I'm intrigued to know all the different sections.

[Matt]

That would be kind of cool. It be. It's so funny. He probably approaches it too, like a. You know, has like, a cloth over his arm, walks to the jar.

[Shane]

Sm like he's offering you to smell the cork. Damn.

[Matt]

It's too. That's if there's. It never. Like, it always amazes me that there are two guys who are like, no, I want my penis in that jar.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It wouldn't occur to me. I'd be like, no, I'm gonna. I would bury me with mine. I don't want in a jar. I don't need anyone to walk into the penis museum.

[Shane]

Be like, yeah, People posing with it.

[Matt]

The water must be cold.

[Shane]

Yeah, water's cold.

[Matt]

Pickling solutions.

[Shane]

Chili the brine. The penis is once a quarter.

[Sean]

I don't want to be nasty, but

[Shane]

you figure like, you should give me your penis.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You'd be lucky to have.

[Matt]

I need mine for cut it off.

[Shane]

Longer for going bowling.

[Sean]

Freaking. You figure there'd be extra penises laying around with gender reassignment surgeries and things like that. You know?

[Matt]

True.

[Sean]

Like, I figure hard to find one.

[Matt]

Yeah. That is kind of a shame. We're just. Yeah, we're going to cut a guys off.

[Shane]

Although don't they turn it inside out? I feel like they keep most of the penis to create like a clitoral situation. Oh, my. Don't pull that up, please. Typing.

[Matt]

I think you're right. I don't think they maybe do they hack the whole thing off.

[Sean]

I know Nate, because Nate talks about on stage.

[Matt]

But that was the balls.

[Sean]

Keep the testes. Yeah, you could keep your testes like

[Matt]

their tonsils or whatever I've said before castrating the penis. But keeping your balls would be the most powerful. Yeah, that's definitely test maxing for sure.

[Shane]

Sure. Oh, you just come to the table.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Plop them just.

[Matt]

You're just balls. You have no release, but you're still producing all like the hormones and you need. That was pretty powerful.

[Shane]

It's like a samurai situation. It really would in complete control.

[Matt]

You would be.

[Shane]

Huh?

[Matt]

You'd have no outlet. You just have to.

[Shane]

Or you do and it's just like a hole that weeps every now and then.

[Matt]

Drooling hole.

[Shane]

Yeah. Hey, baby. See my drooling hole?

[Matt]

The ex. Your body wounds.

[Shane]

Excited. Honey, get me a diaper. I'm feeling you.

[Sean]

Yuck.

[Matt]

Oh, boy.

[Shane]

But hey, enough about my wife.

[Matt]

No, I love her. You're oozing hole.

[Shane]

Yeah. I'm going to call her. I'm like, hey, baby, can I get a taste of that oozing hole?

[Matt]

You'd have to rely on wet dreams. You'd have wet dreams like once a quarter.

[Shane]

Rely on wet dreams. What a hell. That's your only. Really?

[Matt]

Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a full wet dream, brother.

[Shane]

I have.

[Sean]

I've had.

[Matt]

Let me tell you, I wish, man. I've had maybe one, but I wasn't like.

[Sean]

It soiled my undies.

[Shane]

I had one in the top bunk one time.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane]

Yeah, my cousin was down below and I had to figure out how to rain, like, hey, your hole's weeping. Someone's balls are full. Yeah, wet dreams are gross.

[Matt]

Yeah. You know what? Yeah. Because you don't like. I feel like in a wet dream. I don't think you, like, fully bust in a wet dream.

[Shane]

I've never had the situation where I'm like, enjoying having sex and then I climax. It's always like, I'm about to have sex with someone and then I like nut. And then there's like a shame in the dream and then you wake up and the shame is real.

[Matt]

It's like when you get cut in a dream and your arm's bleeding, you're like, whoa, what the.

[Shane]

Holy cow. But instead of like, you know, seeing the bleeding arm pulling out the sword you're carrying and like cutting off the pirate's head.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You're just waking up, up and you're

[Matt]

like, oh, God, it's already cold.

[Shane]

I have to call sheath again. I sleep nude too. So, like.

[Matt]

Yeah, I had to stop when I had kids. Now I can't. I can't sleep, dude, because I have kids.

[Shane]

Bit about crawling into bed. Yeah.

[Sean]

That's awesome.

[Shane]

It's a good hour, bro.

[Matt]

Thank you, bro. I appreciate it. I was downcast. I wasn't too downcast, but I was Sunday night scariest.

[Shane]

You're done?

[Matt]

Yeah, I was done. I was just like, h. Easter Sunday too. Yeah.

[Sean]

Long day.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Easter weekend. Easter's feeling less and less. Like a real holiday.

[Sean]

Yeah, it's sort of a bummer. The bowling alley was crowded and I was like, shouldn't we all.

[Shane]

Is it like a Jewish thing?

[Sean]

They didn't look Jewish.

[Shane]

Like Chinese food on Christmas. Bowling.

[Matt]

What were the Jews up to? There was only one Jew at the show last night was.

[Shane]

Cuz it's a real hard loss for them.

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

They need to think it over. That was killing me. They need to just sit this one out. Jews. Thought you had it.

[Matt]

The only. Yeah. I thought it was going to be just nothing, but.

[Shane]

Yeah. Just a victory lap.

[Matt]

Yeah. Well, God damn, dude. I think we did it, man.

[Shane]

What a joy. Thanks for having me, guys.

[Matt]

Let me give you the goddamn proper introduction. You are the absolute Man, I was. It was a joy. I was. I was telling my wife. I was like, I was watching you. I actually was up there on the balcony and I was. I was so. I just got, like, stuck watching you. Then I was like, come on, next. What time? I was like, thank God I didn't just, like, miss it. Yeah, I would have been, like, up there. I had to run all the way down. Down.

[Shane]

We're lucky that, like, the guys we get to hang out with are, like, good at the thing, you know? It's, like, really hard to, like, be friends with comics getting older if they're, like, not good.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know, so it's like, it was fun to watch you up there with Butterly and Mary Jo and be like, this guy's really good. And, like, I have his phone number. Like, that's cool. He's like, one of the best guys.

[Matt]

I was going, this is sensei. I was watching you. I was going, dude, that's a truly liberated.

[Shane]

Well, I don't know, 15 minutes. Because, like, I don't do showcases.

[Matt]

That's why I felt bad because I was like. That's why I was like, ah. Because it's weird. Weird doing a short time or used to headlining.

[Shane]

Well, it's okay, though. Like, it's a skill I have to learn, you know, it's not a big deal, but I am up there, like, trying. Like, I'm bailing on bits because, like, I'm like, okay, this. Just get to the next thing, you know?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah, it was fun.

[Matt]

Awesome. Well, you crushed it.

[Shane]

Well, thank you for having me. Thanks for having me on the pod, dude.

[Matt]

Of course. Thanks for coming.

[Shane]

Of course, man.

[Matt]

Bye.

[Sean]

Goodbye.

[Matt]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

[Sean]

Do it.

[Shane]

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