Ep 612 - Night Gator (feat. Charles Blyzniuk)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast

Episode 612 – Night Gator (feat. Charles Blyzniuk)

Released: May 1, 2026
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis
Guest: Charles Blyzniuk

---

Episode Overview

This richly chaotic and effortlessly hilarious episode of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast drops listeners into the middle of genuine “hangout energy,” featuring comedians Matt, Shane, and their frequent friend/guest Charles Blyzniuk. The trio covers a wild range of topics—from cultural stereotypes and the indignities of middle management, through bizarre online trends, personal stories about bodily functions, brushes with small-time crime, social anxieties, to reflections on death, American history, and even architectural tastes. As always, the tone veers from brutally honest to juvenile, with plenty of self-deprecation, riffs, and tangents.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Incense, Stereotypes, and Scent Merch Tables

[00:00–02:05]

• The guys kick off by confusing “incense” and “incest,” leading to a bit about who tends to burn incense, laden with intentionally dumb/edgy stereotypes (“I thought incense was for sluts and minorities”).
• Chris reveals he brought nearly every type of incense, Matt bemoans his wife’s hatred for the scent, and the table riffs on “Type A” vs. “Type B” personalities and their relationship to incense.
• Matt considers selling “Muslim oils” as post-show merch:
  • “That might be my merch table. Muslim oils…my friend, let me see her!” (Matt, 01:34)

---

2. The Global Plight of Minions and Management

[02:05–05:38]

• Shane describes a viral video of men in poverty grinding plastic all day, expressing anger at the “fat cat” managers of the world.
• The group breaks down the manager archetype (“pleated khakis/fat ass”), noting that managers everywhere seem to end up with the same “strange” physique (“You gained 40 pounds just in your ass and hips. You are a manager” — Shane, 05:26).
• Being a “minion” is celebrated:
  • “I’d rather be minion than manager…I either want to be minion or boss.” (Matt, 03:20)
  • “Manager sucks. Minion rules if you’re the lowest guy at the job.” (Matt, 03:20)
• Anecdotes about workplace power dynamics, “minion pride,” and the comedic elements of getting caught slacking at work.

---

3. Supervision Kinks, Dead-Silent Sex, No Fap, and Performing for the Algorithm

[06:43–10:44]

• Chris admits a “supervision kink,” i.e., excitement from having to sneak sex in a shared house:
  • “It’s exciting if you stay with relatives…have to have quiet sex.” (Chris, 07:09)
• Matt shares his “back on no-porn” vibes, prepping for ovulation week.
• The trio riffs on TikTok trends of older, recently divorced men trying to appear sexually appealing via weird thirst traps:
  • “There’s a viral trend of like, divorced 50-year-old guys…they do a thing where they dip the pelvis, pop, lift one arm…” (Matt, 09:15)
  • They read comments from thirsty women and share a collective sadness about social media desperation.

---

4. “Night Gator” and Other Domestic Disasters

[10:53–14:16]

• Matt defines the “Night Gator”: forgetting to flush a late-night dump, leaving a “surprise” in the toilet for your partner.
  • “All night she’s getting up…she doesn’t know the gator’s lurking until morning...” (Matt, 11:11)
• Shane and Matt swap stories about farting in bed—both the shame and pride:
  • “I wish your oura ring would track that.” (Chris, 13:15)
  • Matt laments the lack of scientific research on farts: “There’s not a lot of science on farts at all. I wanted, like, the encyclopedia on farts.” (Matt, 13:57)

---

5. Ayahuasca, Dying in Sweatpants, and Ways to Go Out

[15:12–17:23]

• They ponder ayahuasca’s appeal and its cultish repetition among those seeking “spiritual clarity.”
• Matt recalls his friend’s father dying watching westerns in tighty-whities, eating weed coconut oil—a “real man’s way out.”

---

6. Tales of Crime: Pizza Robberies, Bike Thefts, and Urban Survival

[18:25–22:12]

• Matt discusses a family “pizza guy strong arm robbery plot,” involving a literal club (baseball bat) as a weapon.
• Chris recounts his bicycle being stolen by a “pirate” on a Philadelphia city bike, getting his ride taken but receiving the thief’s city bike in exchange.
  • “He pointed to the city bike, and he was like, you can have that one.” (Chris, 21:52)

---

7. Park Fights and Theoretical Pedophile Combat

[24:53–27:32]

• Matt fantasizes about defending his kid at the playground, plotting how he'd take down a hypothetical pedophile (“If you got your ass beat by the pedophile and then he gets the kids…” — Shane, 25:13).
• Bit about pedophile hunters, training montages, and a prank where a fake predator beats up To Catch a Predator-style vigilantes.

---

8. Riffs on Cancel Culture, Teachers as Suspects, and Public Personas

[28:14–29:09]

• They joke that math teachers all “look like pedophiles” and that anyone can get “caught up” by overzealous citizen vigilantes.

---

9. Bird Feeders, Fruit Trees, and Domestic Pride

[29:34–31:08]

• Matt details new pride in suburban projects: setting up a bird feeder, planting fruit trees (kumquat, lime, avocado), and buying more trees while losing track of time.
• Shane and Matt reminisce about Super Bowl halftime shows, “representation,” and music nostalgia.

---

10. Greatness, LeBron/Brady Hate, and the Acceptable Evolution of Public Enemies

[32:01–32:16]

• Initially resisting, but ultimately accepting, the LeBrons and Bradys of the world as “undeniable”:
  • “If you hate greatness, you’re just a hater.” (Matt, 32:16)

---

11. Pat Tillman Heroics & John Krakauer’s Enemies

[34:36–39:33]

• Matt retells the inspiring story of NFL hero-turned-soldier Pat Tillman (his nobility, tragic death, and enduring fund).
• He reveals he recently interviewed author Jon Krakauer, and riffs on Krakauer’s internet “haters,” Everest disasters, and his catalogue (Into the Wild, Into Thin Air, Under the Banner of Heaven).

---

12. Everest Tourism, Cannibal Lore, and the Gold Rush

[39:44–42:25]

• Matt relays Krakauer’s regret for inspiring thousands to climb Everest—deaths, overcrowding, and the commercialization of risk.
• They discuss Colorado’s “prolific cannibal” Alfred Packer, who haunted mining camps (“He was munching settlers. It was pretty crazy. I had no idea.” — Matt, 41:07).
• The 19th-century gold/silver booms: Towns of 100 ballooning to 100,000, violence, exploitation, and lawlessness.

---

13. Out West: What Would You Do?

[46:20–47:11]

• The guys muse on what profession they’d try in 19th-century America: farmer, general store proprietor, or east coast factory grinder.

---

14. Tornado Documentaries, Fungal Plagues, and Christian Weirdos

[47:31–49:59]

• Stories of disaster—interviews with “weird Christians,” post-tornado fungal infections, and a closeted gay man’s rapture crisis (“God, it’s because I’m gay, isn’t it?” Matt, 48:37).

---

15. Urban Density, India/Third World TikTok, and East vs. West Sitting

[61:00–62:27]

• The group gripes about dense living conditions, trash, and plastic bag takeout in India, admiring how some people can sit comfortably “Indian style” for hours while their “purely Western” hips would never allow it.
• “I am jealous when I see them, how they can just chill on a floor like that. My hip flexors are way too tight.” (Matt, 61:52)

---

16. Travel Stories, Bro Encounters Abroad, and Club Justice

[62:22–63:26]

• Matt expresses a desire to visit India “spiritually,” but admits to intimidation from stories of aggressive local scammers and groups of “business casual bros” with bad intentions.

---

17. Dating, Rizz, and Beautiful Women in the Elevator

[66:33–67:29]

• Matt tells of being “humbled” by a flawlessly stylish woman in the elevator while he was covered in dirt—too “peasant-like” to attempt his usual playful small talk.

---

18. Bartender Vlogs, Donald Sterling’s Limo Rants, and the Antics of “Jackass Elevator Guys”

[69:36–71:49]

• Bartenders vlogging their shifts (“A day in the life… it’s me the whole time”—Chris, 69:50).
• Discussion of infamous Donald Sterling transcripts, in which he pleads with his (non-white) mistress to stop posting pictures with black basketball players.
• Quotes from Sterling’s deposition:
  • “When a beautiful woman hits on me…she gets naked and starts sucking my toes and sucking on me…and I say, thank you for making me feel good…” (Sterling via Shane, 70:58)
• The group debates how sad, old, and confused Sterling seemed—caught between generational racism and sexual humiliation.

---

19. Limo Comebacks and Old Guy Antics

[72:55–73:27]

• They wax nostalgic about limousines as a status symbol and joke about bringing them back:
  • “Just pull a stretch Hummer into Whole Foods.” (Matt, 73:27)

---

20. Statues, Symbolism, and the “Sick Arch”

[54:00–54:51]

• Discussion of Trump’s rumored plans to build a monumental golden “victory arch,” with the group acknowledging the cultural absence of “cool new statues.”
  • “We should start building cool new statues.” (Matt, 54:47)

---

21. Current Events, War Profiteering, and Military Procurement Lunacies

[57:23–59:14]

• Jokes about Riyadh “hazard pay” for comics gigging in war zones.
• Matt describes military waste: millions in equipment destroyed for protocol.

---

22. The Third World/Westerner Divide and Social Media Privilege

[64:13–64:34]

• The group notes the whiplash in life quality that smartphones bring to developing villages; discusses cultural dissonance between third world realities and Western suburbia seen through Instagram.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Managers:

  • “You have not bought new pants, but you gained 40 pounds just in your ass and hips. You are a manager.” — Shane, 05:26

• On the “Night Gator":

  • “She doesn’t know the gator’s lurking until the morning time.” — Matt, 11:13
  • “All night…they’re peeing on the gator all night.” — Matt, 11:57

• On No Scientific Literature for Farts:

  • “There’s not a lot of science on farts at all. I wanted like the encyclopedia on farts.” — Matt, 13:57

• On Dying in Peace:

  • “Dude just westerns in his tiny whities the last day…that’s a man.” — Matt, 16:58

• On Dangerous Urban Life:

  • “It was. It was a pirate. It was actually a pirate.” — Chris, 21:03 (on his bike robber)

• On Defending Kids in the Park:

  • “If you got your ass beat by the pedophile in the park and then he gets the kids, I’m going…” — Shane, 25:13

• On Everest’s Overcrowding:

  • “His book did the opposite. Every signing people go, you climbed Everest? I could do that.” — Matt, 39:19

• On TikTok Fame in Developing Countries:

  • “Your videos kind of slap…If you’re Third World, you get a smartphone, everyone’s like, let me see.” — Chris/Matt, 64:09

• On Being Humbled:

  • “I was covered in dirt. She walked in. I just looked at the floor. I literally looked at the floor.” — Matt, 67:14

---

Timestamps by Segment

• Incense & Cultural Bits — 00:00–02:05
• Manager and Minion Bodies — 02:05–05:38
• Sex, Supervision, TikTok Thirst — 06:43–10:44
• Night Gator & Fart Science — 10:53–14:16
• Ayahuasca & Dying Like a Man — 15:12–17:23
• Pizza Robbery & Bike Theft Tales — 18:25–22:12
• Theoretical Park Brawls & Predators — 24:53–27:32
• Teachers, Public Suspicion — 28:14–29:09
• Suburban Bird Feeder Updates — 29:34–31:08
• Accepting LeBron/Brady — 32:01–32:16
• Pat Tillman, Krakauer, Everest — 34:36–39:33
• Cannibals & Gold Rush — 39:44–42:25
• What Would You Do Out West? — 46:20–47:11
• Tornadoes/Weirdos/Falsetto Christians — 47:31–49:59
• Urban Density & Mobility — 61:00–62:27
• India: Dreams vs. Nightmares — 62:22–63:26
• Elevator Rizz Anxiety — 66:33–67:29
• Sterling, Limo Sucks & Social Humiliation — 69:36–71:49
• Statues, Symbols, The Sick Arch — 54:00–54:51

---

Episode Takeaways

This episode is a whirlwind example of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast at its best: conversational mischief, aggressive authenticity, and quick pivots from scatalogical humor to surprisingly insightful meditations on status, aging, American history, and social change. Listeners get a full tour of everyday indignities—be they workplace, sexual, spiritual, or bodily—filtered through the world-weary wit of comedians who refuse to take themselves or their surroundings too seriously.

---

For more, catch full episodes on Spotify and follow @mattandshane on social media.

Transcript

[Matt]

Wild, wild west. Dude, I'm loving them, man.

[Shane]

I've come around.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I was against incest. I thought it was for. I thought it was for sluts and minorities.

[Matt]

You said incest. You said incense.

[Shane]

I was against incest.

[Matt]

Hey, still on the record.

[Shane]

Now I'm for it.

[Matt]

You're on the right side.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

See the right video.

[Matt]

Incest slots in minorities.

[Shane]

I thought incense was for sluts and minorities. That's so funny. Now I know I can enjoy it as well.

[Matt]

There you go.

[Chris]

Literally broadens. I'll give them to you. I brought some incense. I brought. Yeah, I brought the incense six.

[Matt]

That's. I'm big on it. My wife hates it. I got to use it in my office. My wife.

[Chris]

Oh, you'll like it.

[Shane]

Oh, Hole in the theory hates incense.

[Matt]

She's type A, though. Incense. If you're type A, incense is not for you.

[Shane]

It's not for me.

[Matt]

Just type A.

[Shane]

It's for dopers.

[Matt]

It's for type B slots and minorities.

[Chris]

That's true. That's true. Yeah. People who have to wait until the thing burns entirely.

[Shane]

I've never gone into a white guy's house with incense. There's incense. Unless.

[Chris]

Sweeb.

[Matt]

It's a dober. It's a dober thing. Doper thing, for sure. Dober thing. Muslims oil. They go direct to the body. The oils.

[Chris]

It is. Roll on.

[Matt]

Yeah, I was. I might get into Muslim oils. Honestly, it's a nice, quiet level. Up your fly.

[Chris]

You should sell them at the mothership. Poppy. Poppy.

[Matt]

That might be my merch table. Muslim oils. I'll come out after a show and be like, my friend. Let me see her.

[Shane]

Smells so good.

[Matt]

That'd be nice. I'd be nice to get, like, a. For the merch table. Having a slice of, like, in Indian City where it's just clamored. You walk.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

It's just like, you come out to, like, a New Delhi street where it's just clamoring.

[Chris]

You sharpen.

[Matt]

People. People are grabbing you by the wrist. Like, come with me. Come here, my friend, please. Like, towards the pyramids. All kinds of crazy shit.

[Shane]

A video pissed me off so much yesterday.

[Chris]

Yeah, keep laughing.

[Shane]

Just guys in a hole grinding plastic up for fucking 12 hours a day for the rest of their lives.

[Chris]

They're like, is it boring? The guy's like, no.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I love this.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You're literally sitting on your heels for 12 hours grinding plastic. That was crazy. I want to know who's the fat cat that buys up all that plastic?

[Shane]

That cat Was the guy with the computer.

[Matt]

Oh yeah.

[Chris]

True.

[Shane]

Yeah. He makes manager butt even transcends the world. If you're the manager, no matter where you are, you are getting a button down. Khakis, gelled hair, fat ass.

[Matt]

Yeah, man. It's crazy. The pleated khakis are for the managerial cat class, man.

[Shane]

He did it.

[Matt]

Every manager I've ever worked on her fat ass, bro. Juicy ass on thick talk don't matter woman or man. You can be a man. You can start. If you're a man, you start. Eventually you start like transing into a woman's figure.

[Shane]

It's crazy. It's a full feminine crazy dude. Cuz I think it's.

[Matt]

It's.

[Shane]

It is a very feminine job, manager. I mean to be like, did you do that? Well, I don't want to have to do this. I don't want to have to talk to you again. But I will tell on you if you don't get that dimension. You go you supporting to a guy above you. It's just a little.

[Matt]

I would. I'd rather be minion than manager. I either want to be minion or boss. I don't want to be manager. Manager sucks. Minion rules if you're the lowest guy at the job.

[Chris]

Yeah, I do.

[Matt]

Like, it's all I've ever done.

[Chris]

You know what rules?

[Shane]

Yeah, that's because you're working for the boss.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

And you're like the manager's a. Yeah,

[Chris]

he's got a nice butt, but he sucks. Yeah, but he does have a nice ass.

[Matt]

Boss loves his minions that. I've seen that on display so many times.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I swear to God. The boss, the minions are like the closest. The managers, dude. And anytime someone becomes manager, every Minion's like, dude, that guy.

[Shane]

He was a minion, dude.

[Matt]

That guy.

[Shane]

That's when they transform.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

Start going, nobody likes me. Everyone's against me. I'm going to tell on you. You guys have been mean to me since I started this.

[Matt]

I did like when I worked for an electrician. It was my friend's uncle. And I was. I was a. I got a lot of hate because I was a prized minion. I got to drive him around every day. It was awesome. I would just. I was like his chauffeur basically. And every now and again he'd be like, yo, you want to go pop up on him, See what they're doing? And he would do like walk ups on jobs, dude. You would catch the minions and be like laying down and around. He'd be like, what the you guys doing? We're just chilling for a second. Dude, it was.

[Chris]

It's the best you could do it outside?

[Shane]

I. No, they are totally unbothered. The minions working on the street right now. They lay. They lay under the tree. Every time I'm out there, there's 10 guys taking a nap in my front yard.

[Matt]

But if you ran up and I'm like, what are you doing? They would go, I don't think, dude, these are strong. They're strong lads for sure. But if you catch a nad and a lad on a nap outside and a white guy just walk up on him like, hey, they're gonna go. They're going to assume it's time. It's time to boogie.

[Shane]

I would have to put on pleated khakis. I walk out like this.

[Matt]

There's a blue T shirt.

[Shane]

There's a minion talking to me. It's a white minion. The lowest form of minion.

[Chris]

Yeah, yeah. Khaki's belt clip phone.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You got a roll bursting out of the pants.

[Chris]

Just the ass.

[Shane]

You have not bought new pants, but you gained 40 pounds just in your ass and hips. You are a manager.

[Matt]

It's craz.

[Chris]

You think you get a BBL just to move up.

[Matt]

Yo.

[Chris]

Move up the corporate ladder.

[Shane]

You got bbl. Your boss would start noticing me. This guy's got the makings of a true manager.

[Matt]

Yeah, I'm gonna go to a plastic surgeon and be like, I just want to look like a dairy Queen manager.

[Shane]

Let me see. I need to parry, big boy.

[Matt]

Dude, I was me and Blizzard having a laugh about.

[Shane]

I shouldn't even talk. Let me hear.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Prize Picks. The regular season's done and the NBA playoffs are here. Time to get in on the action with Prize Picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. NBA and Space B. Space A. Download the Prize Picks app today and use code Drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup and during the playoff. During the playoffs, make a $5 lineup with a live NBA pick for a shot at the Do It Live sweepstakes trip to the NBA finals. That's a rough one. More info can be found on the Prize picks Prom. Prize Picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. He likes. I'll give it.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Supervision kink is nice.

[Chris]

I actually don't.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Girl and parents and then you get to go, bro. It's just you and me in the room tonight.

[Chris]

The parents are gone when I. Yeah.

[Matt]

See everyone just He's a very private man. I shouldn't have said as soon as I said. I'm like, oh, I forgot when I

[Chris]

was texting you about it, cuz it was making me laugh. I was like, I always make me laugh, but actually excited by kind of like it.

[Matt]

I'm also nice.

[Chris]

It's. It's exciting if you stay with, you know, relatives. Yeah, you stay with like relatives family

[Shane]

or your family, you have to have quiet sex. She's like, damn, this is great. Normally she'd be screaming from what I was like. But now we have to be quiet so there's no pressure on me for this dead silent sex. Now I scream, mom, dad, wake up.

[Matt]

Dad, I'm coming, dad. Bob, can I have a glass of water? I'm really thirsty, mom. I've been crushing for 14 minutes. Really thirsty.

[Shane]

That's a good run. 14's a good run.

[Matt]

14 is solid, bro. I'm on. I'm back on my noborn. No, not even fat. It's not even. I'm not even trying to. I'm just being like. I'm just not interested in the porn. Not interested in fapping. And I'm. I'm coming up on that ovulation cycle. So I'm like, yo, it's about to be on. Weirdest game. We're. We were game planning. She's like, she actually said this to me this morning. She's like, I know you like a head job before. That way you last longer. And I'm like, bro, I'm down for whatever.

[Chris]

Wow.

[Matt]

Otherwise you wait, wait, wait. And then it's like, it's the juiciest ever. It's a great.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So I'm, by the way, I'm a

[Shane]

big fan of a Quick Time. I don't give a about you at all. That was wonderful. Now I'm tired.

[Matt]

I gotta stay. I want to stay up in it for a minute, bro. Yeah, give me a couple minutes. I don't need that.

[Shane]

A couple minutes is nice. But then it starts to get. A little too long ago I started getting tired. I'm getting too tired to even do it now.

[Matt]

I've been playing when you're, when you're planking. I've been planking regularly. I'm excited to show off. There's no other. There's no other way.

[Shane]

Celebrating a touchdown. That's crazy.

[Matt]

Do you ever see the guy on Tick Tock? It goes like this and goes. And then like does different arm movements? No, dude, there's a guy. You know what? I'm talking about there's a arm straight up in there. There's a viral trend of like divorced 50 year old guys who want to show women how sick they are in terms of like.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So they do a thing where they go like this. Dip the pelvis, pop, lift one arm. Lift one arm. It's just them, like up and down. They'll do it like a 711 aisle. It's so funny.

[Chris]

Oh, I've actually. Okay, I have seen that.

[Shane]

I thought you're talking about the guys who put the camera here like you're them. You ever see that one?

[Matt]

It's great.

[Shane]

They lay a camera down. These are again, 50 year old, 40 year old divorce guys. I saw one where the guy starts

[Matt]

by going, oh, no, no.

[Shane]

It's so funny. But I immediately send it to Gabe Davis and Billy. Gabe and Billy are getting those.

[Chris]

And then you look at the comments and it's literally like 40 year old women like across the country. Like, I love this.

[Matt]

I get so sad when I see women. Just.

[Chris]

Guys, did you see the one I sent you? The guy's. His tongue's going crazy. It's like.

[Matt]

Is that. You just said that recently?

[Chris]

Yeah, I did.

[Matt]

I got to check that out. I haven't seen the gram. He's. He's just showing him. He's showing him what they can.

[Chris]

He's got a crazy tongue game. Pause.

[Shane]

Here's one.

[Matt]

Let me see, let me see. Yo, what? No, no. Why does he have a towel on his head?

[Shane]

He's sweating under there.

[Chris]

Dude, goatee full. The goatee is porno.

[Shane]

Oh, no. Oh my God.

[Matt]

I didn't know that was a thing.

[Shane]

I'm in LA. 47 years old, 8 inch.

[Matt]

Oh, okay. 8 inches.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Thick.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

I like how that guy's coming back.

[Matt]

Yeah. I like how people are impersonating him in gas stations.

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah. That's nice.

[Matt]

My daughter just died last year. She killed herself.

[Shane]

She's eight years old. She was faster than me.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, it's fun. I had a. I don't know why this tickled me the other day, and I've done this on accident before, but I was thinking about the. I don't know if you've ever done the night gator to a woman. When you take a dump before bedtime, you forget to flush it. And all night she's getting up and she takes her little peas and she doesn't know the gator's lurking until. Until the morning time. And she confronts the gator and goes, oh my God, you know, oh my Bad. I was reading a good book. I forgot to flush. I left the night. I left the night gator.

[Shane]

Are you forgetting the floss?

[Chris]

If you're there long enough, you might forget sometimes, dude, I'm reading.

[Shane]

I'm always there. Long as hell, dude. Never forget.

[Matt]

I've forgotten, dude. I forgot. If I get. If I'm, like, deep in my phone or in, like, a book, I'll, like, I'll just get up and if something happens, like, oh, let me go. My kid might wake up. I'll run.

[Shane]

Terrified of the night gator, bro.

[Matt]

I'll leave.

[Shane]

Like, if a girl is with me, I'm like, holy. Did I forget to flush for some reason? I'm like, I think there's a turd in the hotel.

[Matt]

They don't even know it's under them all night. They're peeing on the gator all night.

[Shane]

Sticking his head out underneath some toilet paper and just waiting.

[Matt]

I was. I almost left the gator on her the other night. I was like, oh, I had to put the gator down.

[Chris]

Yeah, no, no, that's not your alarm. It's actually not the morning yet.

[Matt]

Nothing sours woman's mood first thing in the morning. They're confronting the gator first. Just in the morning, the twilight.

[Shane]

But a lady. A lady will leave a little road rash for you. Nothing pisses me off more than seeing a lady's road rash. Stop taking giant shits.

[Matt]

Clean that.

[Shane]

I don't want to see that.

[Matt]

The road rash.

[Chris]

Damn. Yeah.

[Shane]

Tire marks.

[Matt]

I had a up. I had gas last night, and I was just setting them off. I literally woke up at one point. I did, like, a complete. Like a. A fart that if you videoed it, would have maybe got a million views on it. It was so loud, so long, and so powerful. I did it my sleep, then woke up to my wife, like, oh, And I felt the velocity, and I was like, yo, I'm sorry about that. That's really bad. It was real, like, foghorn.

[Chris]

I wish your oura ring would track that.

[Matt]

I know.

[Shane]

Like, yeah, Yeah, I would get one if they did that.

[Matt]

That'd be awesome. You could probably have to put it like, a fart B hole or ora ring for the B hole. How many farts a day? How hot?

[Shane]

You can feel me tense where? Or it'd be like your blood. Your blood pressure spiked. Hard as for one second, just me

[Matt]

going, did you fart? He's get an app. It's like you get a message, like, let it out, brother. I'm tracking Her. Our ring. She's in a deep sleep. You're. You're safe to fart?

[Chris]

Yeah. Oh, that's nice.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

You can like link them up.

[Matt]

Yeah, I. I have a thing holding them in. Man. It's got to be bad for you.

[Shane]

Probably.

[Matt]

It's got. There's no way. What the happens to it?

[Chris]

Well, it's just. I mean immediately it's just discomfort.

[Matt]

You know, it's discomfort, but it's like where does it go? You fart? I. I've. Dude, there's not a lot of science on farts at all. I've thrilled. I wanted like the encyclopedia on farts. I've searched for it. All I found was that book I showed you guys about a guy wrote about almost how he Almost himself a bunch of times. And that's it. The book. He. He actually thanked us. That book did really well.

[Chris]

It's awesome.

[Shane]

Nice.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

You might. I mean, you just step into that. Step into that hole.

[Shane]

Start doing it.

[Matt]

I get it. I guess I gotta find someone I can start studying. I. I bug professors every now and again. Like to. To do stuff.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Come on here outside and get one of these guys who's working on the road.

[Matt]

True. Get a fart shaman.

[Shane]

They would let you know.

[Matt]

Dude, take me into the tent with them.

[Chris]

I'll be riding in your steamroller with.

[Matt]

On.

[Shane]

Be great just to be like fart. How do you fart that? Fart. Fart.

[Chris]

Now we're speaking the same language.

[Matt]

Fart. I want to get. I want to gas up so hard. Then hit like an ayahuasca ceremony. Just fart. Just not even drink. Just.

[Chris]

People would have like life altering their lives. Yeah.

[Matt]

Bird just came back. Amazing.

[Shane]

The wrench.

[Matt]

Yeah. There's people in there like, oh, my dad.

[Chris]

And then you're. Yeah. The white. You wear like the all white, but it's a tall tea. Extra tall tea.

[Matt]

Oh. But yeah, that's. I've said it before. Those ayahuasca ceremonies kind of freak me out, man. A lot of people who do that, they go and do it like 50 more times and you're like.

[Chris]

Yeah, they're addicted to it.

[Matt]

What's good, right? 50.

[Chris]

I know.

[Matt]

It's a lot.

[Chris]

I feel like aren't you supposed to do it like a couple times if you'd actually get into it?

[Matt]

I would think if you did something that crazy, you wouldn't do it 50 more times.

[Chris]

Totally.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't think I'm going to do it.

[Matt]

No. I don't know. I. I'll save that stuff for like, when I'm dying, that's going to be.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Fired out, you know?

[Shane]

Although that might blow dick.

[Matt]

I mean, you're dying. What the.

[Shane]

Yeah, I know. And then you're gonna really realize it's probably gonna be really scary.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

You could either accept it or it's gonna be horrific. Yeah, I don't know.

[Matt]

I don't know. I mean. But then it's like I'm kind of terrified. Like, just dying in sweatpants watching TV is like, scary too.

[Shane]

That's coming. It's coming. Comes for us all.

[Matt]

Yeah, you gotta do the waska, dude. So at least you'll be like, oh, whoa. Up you go.

[Shane]

Oh, I'm gonna die in sweatpants. And then while you're dying in sweatpants, like, I remember when I went to South America just to know that I was gonna do this. What was the point of that trip?

[Matt]

Yeah, I remember I had to go with my dad. My dad's friend was dying. He like, send us all, but go hang with him. We were just. I've just literally just swept. He actually would do tighty whities. He was just wasting dude away.

[Chris]

Oh.

[Matt]

Like he had like some sort of cancer. And we would just watch westerns with him and he would sit there and be like.

[Shane]

The whole time.

[Matt]

It was the dude rules.

[Chris]

I mean.

[Matt]

Yeah, he went out like a man. Dude just westerns in his tiny bodies the last day. Yeah, we, me and my brother make him weed coconut oil and just like bring it to him.

[Chris]

That's nice.

[Matt]

I'd have it. Go make some of that oil you make. Bring Frank. He would just munch. He would just munch weed, coconut oil, watch Clint Eastwood do his thing. Final days. I like. That's a man.

[Chris]

Yeah, that's a good way to go.

[Matt]

That's a sick way to go.

[Chris]

Doesn't even bother to put pants on.

[Matt]

Yeah. No. Hell no. Dude, it was awesome. Damn, it was scary. The first I went to his house when he like, peeked through the blinds,

[Chris]

I was like, oh, yeah. Looks like. What's it called? The guy from the first season. True Detective.

[Matt]

Yeah. Gas mask on.

[Chris]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

That was chill though.

[Chris]

I. I'm still thinking about.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Men's Warehouse. If you're on the lookout for new clothes, you need somewhere that has it all, which is why Men's Wearhouse is your go to. They've got you covered for every occasion with a huge variety from tailored clothing, like suits, sports coats, dress shirts, tuxes. For more formal events. To casual clothing like polos, shirts, shorts and jeans for everyday wear. The Men's Wearhouse experts can help you find the right look While their on site tailors guarantee your clothes have the right fit for your body. Men's wearhouse has over 600 locations nationwide. They are here and nearby when you're ready to love the way you look.

[Shane]

Wow.

[Chris]

We can edit out. I just think I would just. Personally getting kidnapped as an adult is really funny.

[Matt]

I. I had another loose relative that was involved in a pizza guy strong arm robbery plot who got eventually caught. He was the Batman. He would wield the bat. He's going to call the Domos roll up and one of these. Dude, I know. Have the. The Louisville ready. Like give me all your money on you, right? And the Zaw, of course they had a nice little thing going and they got busted eventually.

[Shane]

They kept bonking the drivers.

[Matt]

Bonking? Oh, they're threatening, threatening the bomb. I don't think they ever bonked, but they're going to. Yabba dabadoo. The driver hit him with it. Such a. It's a sick hustle.

[Shane]

Once you held a club point.

[Matt]

I was on a club point. Hey man, I was a prehistoric.

[Shane]

That's a primal fear, dude.

[Matt]

It was crazy. I'll be honest. Club point. I was just kind of like, guys, I'll leave. Like, you don't have to.

[Shane]

That's a shit shitty squad if they're robbing people with clubs. You guys are definitely gonna do it. You guys will do it.

[Matt]

The club guy, it's like there's like six of you. I'm. I guess you just beat my ass. It'd be worse if all six of you beat my ass. There's just six guys and one guy with the club. Like, we'll bash your brain in. My home, my house was literally like two blocks away. I was like, can I just walk home? Guys, I'm done.

[Chris]

It's like a T ball.

[Matt]

Today's not my day.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That sucked. That sucked though. Just sitting in West Philly for like an hour by myself in a really bad neighborhood, being like, should be coming back with these Percocets. I really.

[Shane]

There's like a street fighter level though. Or like a double Dragons just walk out like a shitty town. A guy with a six. Bad guys with sleeveless.

[Matt]

I needed one of my friends to send back to back to me and do a spin kick so we can knock them down. But yeah, that was. That sucked. The one time. I remember I took way too much mushrooms in college and I Like, walked into, like, a really up area of West Philly to get out of my house and just seeing, like, the dilapidated houses, and it was. I was like, ah, it was. It was a lot. Yeah, it's really scary. It's really menacing. Scary.

[Shane]

You saw West Philly Bull still in West Philly.

[Chris]

It still looks.

[Shane]

Moving from north to West Philly is hilarious. Maybe this neighborhood's a little dangerous. I'm gonna. Where else is nice? Immediately West Philadelphia.

[Chris]

Immediately they find me.

[Matt]

When was the last time you were victimized? Was it just the bike theft?

[Chris]

It's the bike theft.

[Matt]

How did the bike theft.

[Chris]

I was.

[Matt]

Was that a. He came up on one bike.

[Chris]

He came up on the city bike.

[Matt]

Oh, it was the city bike.

[Chris]

Yeah. Or, like, whatever. The Philly.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

Came up on the city bike and, like, caught you. It was like. It was. It was a pirate. It was actually a pirate.

[Shane]

It was Blackbeard. Yeah, it was really Blackbeard.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And then he pulled up on you?

[Chris]

Snagged up on me, took the bike.

[Matt]

Did he just, like, grab it real quick like, yo, give me that?

[Chris]

No. He was like. He first started trying to ask me, like, how much. He was like, how much did you pay for the bike? And I was like, all right, this. I got to go.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

I was like, I'm not going to.

[Matt]

He's just doing, like, Kelly blue book for bikes. He's curious.

[Chris]

It turns out it's free for you.

[Shane]

For you, my friend, this is zero. You hop off there.

[Matt]

It was. How much?

[Shane]

Become a Muslim oil salesman. For you, my friend, the bike is free for you. I love city bike.

[Chris]

That was a nice thing. After. After he took my bike.

[Matt]

He had the city bike.

[Chris]

He pointed to the city bike, and he was like, you can have that one.

[Matt]

I was like, all right, well, I can't have.

[Chris]

I did ride that home.

[Matt]

That's nice. That's. That was kind of chill of them that big, yo.

[Chris]

It was at least. It was, like, thoughtful enough to be like, you got wheels still?

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't. Don't get down yourself. You still have wheels for a little bit, right?

[Chris]

There was a guy. Look, I didn't get. Nothing happened. But there was a guy last night that was, like, really power walking in my direction.

[Matt]

What? Where were you?

[Shane]

True.

[Chris]

I was walking on Congress Avenue for, like, a while. It's my fault.

[Shane]

If you come here, it's just gonna be North Philly, West Philly Austin. You're gonna be getting chased by pirates. The pirates down here are gonna chase you.

[Chris]

This guy Was like one of the. He was like the. Remember those two guys from parts of the Caribbean who were like trying to trick. He was like. He was so dirty and shirtless.

[Matt]

He was coming for you.

[Chris]

He was coming for. He was coming for everybody. He was just like on a mission. And I just happened to have like headphones in and just, you know, surprise, took off. Popped up on me.

[Matt]

Oh, no.

[Chris]

But he had other stuff to do. Yeah, he like. He got by me quick. That was like a temporary stop.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, I've been watching too. I watch this one guy's videos where it's just. They all start with him being like. And he hit someone like 10 times. He did one where he took a key and like hit a metal plate. Someone kind of popped up on me the other day, had my key. I was like, dude, is this my chance? Would you.

[Shane]

Would you hit him with the John Wick combo?

[Matt]

Just. I was going to. But he didn't. He didn't. He just kept moving.

[Shane]

It'd be awesome to hit a homeless guy with a 10 punch combo.

[Matt]

I want to get that guy. I'm wear the helmet and let that guy demonstrate on me.

[Shane]

You might toss it on the bum first.

[Matt]

Yeah, that'd be nice.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Might be able to tie a homeless guy into like a pretzel. They might just.

[Shane]

That's what type. If it was the guy sleep in front of the La Quinta.

[Matt]

I'm not there.

[Shane]

You could pretzel that, man.

[Chris]

Were you watching that with us? No, the guy was asleep. It was like.

[Shane]

It was literally like a face down a pile of rocks box in front of a lake. They came and woke him up and he was like,

[Matt]

oh, no.

[Shane]

It was literally like, you know, the La Quinta and.

[Chris]

Yeah, it was like right downtown.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, right by. Isn't it right next to the.

[Matt]

I was just talking to someone who stayed in that the other day. They're like, dude, my hotel sucks. I'm in the La Queen Quinta. And I'm like, oh, yeah, dude. That thing's like things.

[Chris]

Hell yeah.

[Matt]

Things are worse. It's good for the Alphabet game on the road, though.

[Shane]

I will say it's big for that. Huge.

[Matt]

It's the only queue on the road.

[Chris]

Oh. Oh, I see.

[Shane]

For real Dairy Queens.

[Matt]

Yeah. Drew, Drew, Drew.

[Shane]

The X is just where it's at. It's the most impossible.

[Matt]

It's tough. You got it. Yeah. I feel like a lot of vape shops have helped with the X. There's a lot of exactly right express.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

True porn strip clubs.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

X for smokers world and then like Arabic letters.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah. You try to translate them. I'm pretty sure it's a Muslim X right there.

[Chris]

That's true.

[Matt]

Yeah, man, that's. I start my day. I started my day today actually. Just game planning. Like, if I was at the park and like the some like, weirdo guy was like, hitting like with the kids, how hard would I go on them? It's like, dude, you would him up so bad. I do that all the time. Yeah, Bryce's game plan. Like, dude, I would headload if you

[Shane]

got your ass beat by the pedophile.

[Matt]

Thought about it before, but it's like, you can't. You can't. You just have to go.

[Shane]

You have to go honorably. Obviously you have to go into battle. But if you get vanquished by a pedophile in the park and then he gets the kids, I'm going.

[Matt]

Well, if I started losing, I would fight. I would go for privates. I would fight dirty.

[Shane]

He'd love.

[Matt]

I would try to written.

[Shane]

Dude, it's his world.

[Matt]

If I monkey clawed him, you go, ooh, ooh, baby. Yeah.

[Shane]

Maybe be on the ground going, now I went. He'd look down at you.

[Matt]

He'd get me.

[Shane]

Now you're in my world. You just touched a man's penis at the park. You're one of us. Then you join forces. You go, where the kids?

[Chris]

Yeah. It's like a double cross. I actually brought a ca.

[Matt]

I'd have to go to my wife. Like, you have till sundown to destroy me.

[Chris]

Do you think there's peds who are watching these, like pedophile hunter videos who are like training to be like, I can't get foiled.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

And they're like, just getting buff.

[Matt]

True. That's nice. They probably running drills in the supermarket. Just down the banana, hard left at the banana.

[Shane]

They have like cone drill. They're doing the NFL combine. He's got a 22nd shuttle. This guy's going to be a great pedophile. He can fly. It's gonna fly out of that Walgreens.

[Matt]

They probably re watch the beginning of Aladdin when like they steal the apple.

[Chris]

Yes.

[Matt]

Is how they like get through there.

[Chris]

Yes. Yeah. Like build like a two scale cereal aisle.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

In his house.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They gotta start training.

[Shane]

They should start training like Navy SEALs, like just a complete replicate Walgreens in a warehouse every day.

[Matt]

That would be a good prank where you have one of those pedophile hunters. You like collab with them. But the pedophile is not even a pedophile. He's like, you know those like small jiu jitsu guys who are like nast as, like, so he doesn't look that imposing, but they go to get him. The guy just pedop. Fake pedophile just folds up. The dude.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You get to be like, what the dude. Pedophile's beat.

[Shane]

Beat your ass.

[Matt]

What if I was beating your ass?

[Shane]

But then his boy. His boy would come with the pumpkin from behind the pumpkin. If I was a pedophile, I'd give up the game, dude. The pumpkin is the scariest way to go get by a pumpkin, dude. That's terrifying.

[Matt]

Rather be caught and known as a pedophile than known as getting KO'd by a pumpkin.

[Shane]

Pumpkin on the Internet, dude.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah, you cannot. Yeah. October to December. You cannot. Yeah, because it's. It's gourd season and you can't get it.

[Matt]

Yeah. Pumpkin pranks, dude. It'd be terrible.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Thrown in the air.

[Matt]

The alley.

[Shane]

Oop pumpkin. Oh, it is truly.

[Chris]

Yeah, they like. It's like an assist. They like pick and rol. And then he got like, moves in.

[Matt]

I saw the one where a pedophile got thrown into the air, people. Yeah, that's.

[Shane]

They alley from the guy gets behind him.

[Chris]

That's so. That sucks. That sucks.

[Matt]

Yeah, man. That is rough stuff. I mean, there's. God. I mean, I don't know, man.

[Shane]

It's.

[Chris]

It's like those guys are training what you're talking about.

[Shane]

It's like, I. I think it's funny what they're up to. Just if you. If they got the wrong guy once and they threw him in the air and punched him and called him a pedophile and then hit him with a pumpkin and it was just a guy that was like, getting tampons for his daughter.

[Matt]

Yeah. He's just. He's just a math teacher. They're like the most at risk for getting, you know.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They look like pedophiles.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Most math teachers do happen to look like pedophiles.

[Chris]

It's true.

[Matt]

You gotta be careful if you're a math. If you're a mathematician, watch out.

[Chris]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

It's like, might be 1975.

[Chris]

It's like the. That teacher who shows off, like, his outfits on Instagram. I don't. I don't know.

[Shane]

Yeah, that guy's. He might like any of that.

[Chris]

I don't like it either.

[Shane]

Like, when hot girls do it and hot girls do it. It's hot girl teachers that Are like, check out my outfit for today.

[Matt]

What?

[Shane]

He goes, you're gonna. One of these kids.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Better stay at a low grade.

[Matt]

Yeah. For real.

[Shane]

You get into high school? Yeah, get you.

[Matt]

My God, man. Captain of the football team. Surprised you can get God, bro.

[Shane]

Yeah. What was his name?

[Matt]

Dude, that joke on yourself.

[Chris]

Maybe I did,

[Shane]

Matt. Man, I'm pumped on this bird feeder, though. I was struggling to set it up right now.

[Matt]

Did it charge?

[Shane]

I was trying to connect it.

[Matt]

Yeah, I'm. I'm. I couldn't be more stoked. I spent the morning. I got a kumquat tree. I got kumquats, limes, and an avocado tree.

[Shane]

That's nice.

[Matt]

I got peach and lemon coming.

[Shane]

Avocado tree's sick, right?

[Matt]

Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah, avocado tree. I won't probably yield anything. Maybe this winter I'll get a couple of. Get a couple. They're a Mexican avocado, so they're hearty to the cold. There's a cold snap. Will your avocado tree up. But these things, they can take. They can take a little cold.

[Chris]

Cool.

[Matt]

Sub 23. Careful. I got them in pots. I'm gonna move them in. No, no problem. But, dude, I spent the whole morning getting these things. And, like, I thought it was like 9:00am Britt. He's like, dude, it's 11. You gotta leave.

[Chris]

I was like, yeah.

[Matt]

I didn't even shower. I'm covered in dirt. I bet I saw that. Yeah, Sorry about that.

[Shane]

That makes sense.

[Matt]

Sorry about that. Yeah. I'm pretty dirty right now.

[Shane]

I don't care at all.

[Matt]

I don't have time to shower.

[Shane]

I just saw it on your ankles. I was like, I wonder what he's been doing. You're in the field, he's in the

[Matt]

field playing fruit trees in the field. Remember the Bad bunny? Super bowl halftime show. Yeah. I'm the guy.

[Chris]

That's great.

[Matt]

I saw that. I was like, yo, it's me, basically. Pretty much me. This is for me. He did this for me. Yeah. Sick. He did that video for me.

[Chris]

True.

[Matt]

Finally, some representation. Super bowl halftime show.

[Chris]

Yeah, that'd be nice.

[Matt]

My last representation was the old rappers. That was awesome.

[Shane]

That was a good representation.

[Matt]

That was good. That was awesome.

[Shane]

When 50 was a little. Little big ha. Upside down, you go, yeah, yeah, dude.

[Matt]

The guy at the top's like, you

[Shane]

just crush

[Matt]

50 cents. Been a little. A little quiet. He had a. He was like, right? I mean, he's obviously still doing his thing, but he was like. He was the dude for. He had a good like two month

[Shane]

run where he did the right thing, though. He went away for a little while.

[Matt]

Yeah. Yeah. He chilled.

[Shane]

That's the. Yeah.

[Matt]

What is he cooking up? Who's next?

[Chris]

Didn't he say LeBron?

[Matt]

No.

[Chris]

Didn't he post something about LeBron where he was like, I have a documentary about you.

[Matt]

50 becomes black. Hello. Gonna be crazy. He just starts grudging people and, man, nobody's safe if he gets LeBron.

[Shane]

That's wild.

[Matt]

Yeah, that would be.

[Shane]

That's just what I looking it up right now. Because Nate loves LeBron.

[Chris]

LeBron.

[Matt]

LeBron might be the zest Lord he might be the zest Lord.

[Guest 1]

I used to hate LeBron, but now he's too undeniable.

[Shane]

That happens.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I used to hate Tom Brady. And then it gets to a point where you're like, well, this is awesome.

[Guest 1]

He's kind of the best at it.

[Matt]

For real.

[Guest 1]

For real, for you. And if you hate greatness, you're just a hater.

[Matt]

Pepsi Prebiotic Cola in original and cherry vanilla that Pepsi taste you love with

[Shane]

just 30 calories and no artificial sweeteners.

[Matt]

Pepsi, Pepsi Prebiotic Cola. Unbelievably Pepsi.

[Shane]

Matt, please read the highlighted lines verbatim.

[Matt]

And now it's time for this week in Dog History, presented by Aura Frames. Oh, they got a little thing here. This is nice. You know, some memories are just waiting to make you laugh years later.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

That's exactly what our frames do. They take the moments that matter and turn them into something you can actually see every day.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. And you know what's. You know what's overflowing with hilarious moments waiting to be revisited? This podcast. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

[Matt]

What's the strangest recording setup we've ever had?

[Shane]

Remember, that's the strangest recording setup you've ever had.

[Matt]

Like a buzz in it. That's so crazy. Oh, a wild moment that becomes a story you always, always tell.

[Shane]

What's a wild moment?

[Matt]

Remember my wife came to laser tag and she was mad at me on the podcast.

[Shane]

I love telling that story.

[Matt]

I'll always tell that story.

[Shane]

What's happening in the photo? That is. The photo is just two good friends at a golf event.

[Matt]

Yeah. We were out and we took a picture together. I was a little boy. Took a picture of my two heroes.

[Shane]

No. Yeah.

[Matt]

Was there something totally off the rails happening behind the scenes? Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Of that. You wouldn't believe what was going on behind the scenes of that photo. It's not even public, guys.

[Matt]

Moments like these, funny, chaotic, or just plain weird are exactly what Aura Frames are built for.

[Shane]

This is exactly what they're built for.

[Matt]

Unlimited photo and video storage, preloaded messages, effortless sharing. It's how your memories become something everyone can enjoy. Save on. Save on the gifts. Mom. Love by heading to Aura Frames.com and for a limited time, get 25 off the best selling Carver mat frame with code MSSP. Support the show by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions apply. Thank you are. Dude, I went down a Pat Tillman hole 50.

[Chris]

Threatened LeBron.

[Shane]

That rocks, bro.

[Matt]

It was all, you know, he. He got an offer to leave the Cardinals before he signed up to be in the military. And they're going to pay him like a bunch of money, whoever had won the Super Bowl. I guess, like after the first year he played, it was like, yeah, we're gonna give you a ton of money. Come to our team, like, championship team, might do it again.

[Shane]

What is.

[Matt]

What does Tillman do? Nah, bro, Cardinals picked me. I was low. I was low round in the draft. They took a chance on me. I'm staying with the Cardinals. Went to war. It was. It was such a beast. They offered to get him out of the military. He did one year tour and they're like, yo, man, we like set it up the government. You're free to come home now. He goes, bro, it's a slap in my face you'd even offer me that. Such an animal. Dude is the man.

[Shane]

Didn't they. Friendly fire?

[Matt]

Yeah, friendly fired. And there was. There was a. What was it? An Afghani soldier that apparently, like, loved him, that like, ran up the hill with him because his, his little brother was serving with him too. So his little brother was under fire, so he like, ran up the hill. And then Afghani soldier ran up as well. He got killed. No one talked about that guy. But yeah, he ran up there too. He got. He got hit a bunch of times. And apparently they invented a story about a woman soldier getting raped.

[Shane]

That's the statue?

[Matt]

Yeah. Is that the statue?

[Shane]

Well, that's the picture that they use for the statue. Statue's tight. You ever see it?

[Matt]

No.

[Chris]

Did they put it in the till Rules Arizona?

[Matt]

Yeah, I think. Yeah, it's really cool. Yeah, the Pat Tillman, he has a. He has a fun. The Pat Tillman fund started because people just started sending all this money to the Arizona Cardinals being like, this is for Pat Tillman. And they got like a million bucks and they called his family, like, yo, we have a Million dollars for you guys. What the should we do with this? Yeah, he's like, we'll just set up the fund. They send, like, soldiers to school or, like, the master's degrees and stuff.

[Shane]

It's cool.

[Matt]

Yeah. Pat Tillman, true American hero.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I interviewed John Krakauer recently.

[Chris]

That's right.

[Matt]

And I got it. He wrote a book on Tillman.

[Chris]

Did it really?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

We got to talk.

[Chris]

Tillman, speaking of another.

[Matt]

Hello. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. Yo, that's so sick.

[Shane]

Legend, man.

[Matt]

It's an absolute legend. Yeah, dude, I interviewed John Krakauer, like, two days ago. He has. So he climbed Mount Everest. And, like, there was a disaster. All these guys died. He survived, wrote a book, and it's like a huge book. And, dude, he has a guy on his ass. There's a YouTuber anti John Krakauer YouTuber which is like, dude climbs Everest. What's your beef? This guy's like, he. There's all these different faces of Everest. This other guy climbed a different face of Everest, and he's just going through all of Krakauer's book, being like, cap, Cap. None of this happened. But, like. And the dude, like, is blowing up. Krakauer had a fire back about it, dude. I was. I was telling him. I'm like, dude, I know this guy's like, really a pain in your ass. But it was nothing that delighted me more than to see you have a nasty. I just never would expect to see that, you having a guy being like that. The Sherpas don't drop rope lines on that pass the mountain, dude, get out of here.

[Chris]

I know. I guess it's just like every. Every creative or any pursuit. Anything you do now.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Who goes on YouTube and is annoying

[Matt]

because his book did so well that another climber wrote a book after that and just had to kind of be like, yo, it's. It's so funny.

[Shane]

What was his book called?

[Matt]

He did into the Wild. That was the guy who just, like, walked off and died in the wild into thin air. That was the other one.

[Shane]

I got both of those.

[Matt]

Do you really? Yeah, dude, He's. He rules. He did the Pat Tillman book where men get Glory. And then he did a book about.

[Shane]

That's sick.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's pretty tight. He did a. Did a book about Mormons. Like, polygamous, militant Mormons. So that's cool. Yeah, he's a Dude's a man. He's retired now. He's no more. He just lives in Boulder, stays at altitude. I'm so. I'm so jealous of people, dude.

[Chris]

Really does.

[Matt]

I'll work out whenever I'm in. Like, if I go to, like, Denver, anywhere, like, that's like 5, 000ft. I do, like, one workout and I come back and I'm like, dude, I'm definitely altered. This is crazy.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

It's funny you do that. I have, like, five beers and I go, whoa, I'm wasted. Altitude's nuts.

[Matt]

Yeah, I would be nasty when I

[Shane]

go home and get dry skin and a bloody nose. This sucks. I'm dying. My body's dying here, dude.

[Matt]

I'm like a snake. My skin just cracks when I go up there immediately. It's crazy. But, yeah, I didn't know when you climb Everest, so you go to base camp for two weeks and you acclimate. I thought you just, like, roll up and climb the mountain. No, you climb a little bit, come back down, climb a little more, come back. So you're, like, constantly getting acclimated to higher and higher parts. The first face of Everest that you climb from where he did, it's just a giant sheet of ice that slowly can shift and start moving. And every now and again, it'll just stand up and just squat. It can just, like, the size of a house just squash you. He was a 600 person to climb. I'm just giving away the whole thing, but he was the 600 person to climb Everest. Or like 637. It was so scary. It was like, so up. He, like, wrote that book hoping to scare people away from trying to do it. 30 years later, guess how many people have climbed Mount Everest?

[Shane]

How many, dude?

[Matt]

Like, 25, 000 people.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

His book did the opposite. Everyone's like, dude, he says he goes to signings. People look at him. They go, you climbed Everest? I could do that.

[Shane]

I've seen.

[Chris]

Damn.

[Shane]

I just watched a documentary on it, and there's just a line of people climbing now. It's just hundreds of people in it. Yeah.

[Matt]

But if one of those glacial kind of deposit things falls, now that it's so crowded, it's just gonna squash, like, people at once. Yeah. He said, now the sherpers are like, dude, this is the best thing that ever happened.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

They probably get lines of dudes just

[Chris]

going up there, make a ton of money.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Selfie wall at the Mount Everest.

[Shane]

There is. I watched the Chinese guy fall off recently. Yeah. Really slid right off taking a selfie.

[Matt]

Yeah, but people still die, dude. Like, a lot of people still die. Climbing Everest

[Shane]

slowly slid off. Everyone just watches him Slide away, dude.

[Matt]

You're done. You're toast. Yeah, if you don't get those. You need those oxygen tanks, and you have super high. And if, like, if you're out of tanks, you just suffocate.

[Shane]

You talk about. What's that? What's.

[Matt]

What do they get?

[Shane]

It's like. It's like the altitude and hypothermia where you get, like, hallucinations.

[Matt]

No, I didn't know about that.

[Shane]

Yeah, they see things before they die. Yeah, it's like you're dying. I forget what it's called.

[Matt]

It's not the Black Dog, is it?

[Shane]

Maybe.

[Matt]

Dang. That's crazy. That's pretty tight. Yeah, Yeah, I got. That was. I also learned. I've been reading about gold rush Colorado. You know, there was a big cannibal or there's. Yeah, that's. How you say cannibal. I don't know why I was like, there's a. There was a. Like, a prolific cannibal that, like, haunted the. The hills in Colorado for a while. He was munching, dude. Munching settlers. It was pretty crazy. I had no idea.

[Shane]

So many deer and wildlife there.

[Matt]

No, he just got a taste.

[Shane]

He wanted the people.

[Matt]

People. He wanted those gold miners, dude. He was munching them. Yeah, like a while. He was in the hills outside of Pikes Peak, and everyone's like, bro, I'm pretty sure my wife got munched.

[Shane]

I mean, this is crazy. I've never heard of this.

[Matt]

Yeah, look. Look up. Look up. Colorado Cannibal. I think it was, like, the 1700s.

[Chris]

Was he.

[Matt]

It's like the Leadville Silver Boom, I believe.

[Chris]

Sounds like a name from that era, too.

[Matt]

His name was, like, William something, but, yeah, he was munching Alpha. Okay.

[Chris]

Alfred Grinder. Did he. Did he just.

[Matt]

Packer. That's who it was.

[Chris]

Did he just, like, turn into a cannibal someday?

[Matt]

I just. I just, like. I never fully got into his thing yet, but he. He was munching.

[Chris]

That is like a funny.

[Matt]

How many people say he got maybe. It's unknown. Yeah, he was. He was munching down the. Dude, Colorado is crazy.

[Shane]

It looks like he might have had the munch.

[Matt]

He had to munch.

[Shane]

Looks like a little.

[Matt]

Oh, I could be getting some Colorado folklore. You got five.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Shane]

Five. He came back fat.

[Matt]

Oh. So he had to munch because he was on the loose. I feel like they had to, like, catch him at some point and munched.

[Shane]

Oh, he. So he was up there hiding, and there's a snowstorm and he caught some guys that were stuck in it and he munched. He said, boys, I'm hungry.

[Chris]

Oh my God.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane]

Oh, boy. You know what time it is? It's time for the help with the butter.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Better Help.

[Shane]

Oh, you butter. They help with the butter.

[Matt]

One thing that's been keeping me up

[Shane]

at night or what's keeping you up at night, Matt?

[Matt]

What's been keeping me up at night? Nothing, honestly. I sleep like a brick. But I do. I pass out like a second.

[Shane]

Why are you worried about it?

[Matt]

Well, you know what's keeping me up at night? My lack of deep sleep. I don't get a lot of deep sleep. But, you know, I don't know. I don't know. Other than that my kids keep me up or when I have to pee, I lay down in bed sometimes and I think of really funny cool jokes and then I don't write them down and I wake up. Then that keeps me up the next night. But guys, newsflash. Nobody has all the answers, okay? And since it's. I don't know if you knew this. It's mental health awareness month.

[Shane]

Oh, nice.

[Matt]

It's the perfect time to remind you that you don't have to tackle your problems alone. No match with a therapist from BetterHelp and get the help you need to navigate stress, anxiety, burnout and more. They have an industry leading match fulfillment rate. You just need to answer a few questions. Then they'll tailor a list of professional therapists you can connect with.

[Shane]

I really like that. Matt, you don't have to be on this journey alone, okay? You need to find support and have someone with you in therapy. Matt, I want you in therapy now. Sign up and get 10 off at betterhelp.com MSSP that's betterhelp.com MSSP that betterhelp.

[Matt]

The help with the better five 16 guys. Riviera Theater, Chicago, Illinois. I will be there May 16th. I will be there. Get there. That'll be really nice. I don't know if there's a lot of tickets left, guys. Just being serious. And I have a bunch of new dates coming out pretty soon that I'll announce, so. Pretty stoked. I know. I'll be in Miami.

[Shane]

Oh,

[Matt]

tens will be there.

[Shane]

De aces. May 4th. I'll be at the Hollywood bowl in LA. Please come to that. I've got very good special guests on that. May 7th, 8th and 9th. I'm at TD Garden in Boston. Unless the damn Celtics. We'll see.

[Matt]

Come on, Sixers.

[Shane]

Come on Sixers do this so I can have my shows.

[Chris]

And then.

[Shane]

Yeah. The July 17th at the link. Please, please come. That one's gonna be crazy. So awesome. Even if you think I suck, you should go to that.

[Matt]

Yeah. Those Colorado towns, dude, they were crazy because, like, there would be a town of like a hundred people, and then they'd be like, yo, there's gold in the hills. And then instantly the town would turn into a hundred thousand people.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And no one really got a lot of gold from the gold rush. And it would just turn into like the worst place ever. Everyone was just disappointed and pissed and crowded on each other.

[Chris]

Probably well at altitude too.

[Matt]

So they're all getting hammered quicker being like, what the.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Oh, what the.

[Chris]

It's good if you're just not looking for gold and you just want to attack people and eat them.

[Matt]

Yeah. True.

[Chris]

Oh, my God. All this. Yeah.

[Matt]

They were also mean to the engines in Colorado. They did some bad stuff.

[Shane]

Yeah. I mean, the dumbest guys on earth showed up.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Sand Creek, I think Sand Creek was like. It was just women and children. This guy's famous thing was because they were like, it's like there's not even braves who checked it out. It's all women and children. The one dude goes, nits make lice. We got to take them out. And this one just murdered the children.

[Chris]

Oh, my God.

[Matt]

They ran for office, I think. Brutal. Brutal stuff. I'm really tapping everything I've read about

[Shane]

in the last three is good.

[Chris]

I like that.

[Matt]

I. But yeah. Silver. Silver boom. Gold boom, Colorado stuff, you know, I've never really thought about it. That was. I was. I was reading about that. Pretty sick.

[Chris]

Isn't that like the same era as like the Deadwood TV show? Like, people just like, moving out west.

[Shane]

Could be. It was like the 1840s.

[Matt]

Yeah. I think it was pre. Civil.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Shane]

Resale the 49ers.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

There we go. Hey, now.

[Shane]

It's a good way to remember it.

[Matt]

I like that. Okay, 49ers. There we go.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's the 49.

[Chris]

What would you guys do in. In that era, like, if you were alive, like, for a profession?

[Matt]

God fearing farmer.

[Chris]

What's that?

[Shane]

I'd be a God fearing farmer. No, I don't know.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

God knows, man, that would suck.

[Chris]

It looks terrible in a fucking factory. Yeah.

[Shane]

I would be the east coast in a shitty factory.

[Chris]

Sharpen the.

[Matt]

Yeah. We're talking about to be packed up and moved out there for that.

[Shane]

Out west.

[Matt]

Yeah. General store. I can see you having a nice General store.

[Shane]

Now you're talking like, I'm great proprietor. Now you're saying, I'm Ulysses and I understand. I would work the front desk, and then the war would break out, and I'd go, God calls me to lead this army. All these other guys are being. Dude, I was getting wasted working at a general storm. It's time to get wasted on the battlefield. Yeah, the. The allegation that he was wasted. A Shiloh was great.

[Matt]

So tight.

[Shane]

He woke up late to the battle because he was drunk as.

[Chris]

Oh, that's funny. Oh, the war's due today.

[Shane]

Oh, they're here. They're like, sir, we should retrieve. Like that.

[Matt]

That.

[Shane]

Kill these. Everyone angry.

[Matt]

And it's a hot face that.

[Chris]

It's the scariest guy.

[Matt]

Dude, that. The tornado documentary you showed me, it's a tough one, dude. That guy waking up with a hang. Vicious hangover and being like, dude, I think there's a tornado. We should go check it out.

[Shane]

Hangover.

[Chris]

I missed that.

[Shane]

Getting hit with an F5.

[Matt]

You hear the audio the whole time. Also, everyone. That town that gets interviewed, it was like, I was ready to go. Yeah, I was ready to go.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I thought, you're good. It's very. They just interview. Everyone's just kind of a weird Christian.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. They all come off as very homosexual.

[Matt]

Well, the one guy is. Is.

[Shane]

And then one guy. Yeah, at least one.

[Matt]

Yeah, the one guy. The one guy being like, at one point, I was ready. I let go because I thought it was the rapture. And then, like, since he didn't get sucked up in the hurricane, he goes, God, it's because I'm gay, isn't it? And he went home, but luckily his parents are still alive. Because his parents got sucked up. He would have been like, oh, yeah, okay. That was a rapture. Yeah, I got left behind in the wasteland. It's so funny being a fat gay guy.

[Shane]

Being like, take me.

[Matt]

I know.

[Chris]

It's like, damn, I was.

[Matt]

Your feet leave the ground, like, that much, and then you drop back down. You're like, God damn. God damn it. Because he was young, so he probably barely did that much gay stuff.

[Shane]

No, but he knew. Yeah, he did a lot of gay stuff. He was making YouTube videos with the other girls in school. That's gayer than sex with guys.

[Matt]

So the YouTube guy was different. Oh, that was a different bro.

[Shane]

He got the chubby YouTuber. No, not the YouTube dude.

[Matt]

He made YouTube too.

[Shane]

Like, not the cool YouTube guy. YouTube. The. The.

[Matt]

I didn't know he did that.

[Shane]

Gay man was making YouTube videos.

[Matt]

I didn't know that. I did, like, the jock. He was just like, yeah. This one girl came up to me out of the wreckage. It was like, hey, what are you doing? He's like, I didn't recognize her. I didn't know who she was. She knew me, but I didn't. It's like, dude, stop. Man, stop chatting around, dude. You can't do it.

[Shane]

Chatting in the row. You can't chat in rubble.

[Matt]

He was chatting the rubble. He was there rescuing people. That's like a babe from the school was like, yo, it's you. And he was like, yeah, I don't even know. Or, dude, whatever.

[Chris]

Oh, that used to be your house. Damn, that's crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah,

[Shane]

it's like, up. Yeah. Documentary is terrifying.

[Chris]

It's really scary. And then there's, like, the fungus thing that happens afterwards.

[Shane]

I forgot about the fungus, dude.

[Chris]

That's. That freaked me out.

[Matt]

Yeah. And that, like, it kicked up out of the ground. Yeah.

[Chris]

And then it's like, you get. You get sucked up, and then you're like, thank God I survived. And then the bacteria almost kills you.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's really double whammy.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And it's like tearjerker, though, bro.

[Shane]

I knew. I knew it. Thankfully. Thankfully. I wasn't invested in it this time. First time I watched it, I was sobbing at the end, dude. And then Obama comes on. You're like, damn, Obama. That was a cool speech.

[Matt]

It was such a good speech, actually.

[Shane]

I think I did this. I think I said this the last time I talked about this.

[Matt]

Really.

[Shane]

But just comparing it to if Trump was president just yet. A big storm.

[Matt]

Wow. You guys are great, though.

[Shane]

All right, get him out of here. And we're doing a lot right now for the economy. You'd just be like, yo, I'm killing it right now.

[Matt]

Someone say the economy's in F5 right now. Damn.

[Shane]

He's had some good ones lately, though.

[Matt]

Is he fired back?

[Shane]

Very funny.

[Matt]

Yeah. That's unique.

[Shane]

He had won recently. I'm trying to remember it.

[Matt]

Did you see the shooter?

[Shane]

I did see the shooter, bro.

[Matt]

He, like, made it again. His rings of security, man, that first ring is so bad. Got through. Shot the Secret Service guy.

[Shane]

Did he shoot a guy?

[Matt]

Yeah, he shot a Secret Service guy. The guy had an armored vest on

[Shane]

or whatever he called it in his manifesto.

[Matt]

Did he?

[Shane]

Yeah, he said, I'm gonna use, like, buckshot or, like. And he was like, that way, if they're wearing armor, I don't have to kill anyone. But he's like, I'm trying not to kill anyone. I'm just trying to kill Trump.

[Matt]

Oh, okay.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So you would hit him with the sun gun all the way up to try. He was trying.

[Guest 1]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Bring out the James Bond golden pistol and.

[Shane]

Pp7. Everybody else, one shot. PB7 golden gun.

[Matt]

How do you.

[Chris]

Did he just, like break in?

[Shane]

He just narutoed right through. He literally sprinted through.

[Matt]

Arms back. Nerd run.

[Shane]

Nerd run right through. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

That's hard to tell now. It's like that might be like a high ranking FBI official.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's exactly how they would all run. This entire administration would.

[Matt]

Naruto, what do you think about Cash getting in trouble for drinking? Cash is under. He's like under investigation for how hard he's hitting the bruskies. He's claiming he's not hitting the Bruce.

[Shane]

The one thing I support him let the boy hit the brusque. All Indian dudes want to do is have brusquees with the bros. You saw how happy he was in that hockey locker. He really was literally the Indian dream.

[Matt]

He's stressed. He's stressed. And honestly, I, I really, I didn't like all the, like, imagine how bad that sucks when he rolls up to that. It's like, you think they give a. They just won the Stanley cup or the Olympics. Yeah, they're stoked. And then you're like, holy, there's Cash Patel ripping a shotgunning a beer.

[Shane]

This is awesome.

[Matt]

Yeah, I, I remember not liking that footage of a coverage of like. It's like, dude, he's doing one thing cool. He doesn't have every. Not everything has to be bad all the time.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's, that's, that's. They struggle with that.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's like, dude, this is sick.

[Shane]

We admit the arch is sick that Trump wants to build.

[Matt]

What's the arch?

[Shane]

Just trying to build a sick ass arch, dude. Give us a arch. Where is it in. In Washington.

[Matt]

It's gonna be sick golden archery.

[Chris]

It's not golden, I don't think McDonald's 24 7. I actually like that.

[Matt]

It's just a big M. I typed

[Shane]

in sick ass arch. Sick ass arch. D.C. it came up, obviously.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Shane]

Trump's victory arch. Let's go, let's go.

[Matt]

Well, he has to win first, bro.

[Shane]

It would be tight. We stopped building sick shit.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Shane]

And they don't like it because it's Trump dog.

[Matt]

But is that just like a 3D rendering?

[Chris]

Yeah, that actually looks cool. It's like Washington Square Park. Yes. I was. I was thinking St. Louis thing. Oh, that's nicer. It's like, here's the thing.

[Matt]

We should be like, all right, if you. If you win. If he wins Iran, you get the arch. If he doesn't win, he gets the loser arch. And they're going to put him up there just going like, yeah, it's going to be.

[Shane]

If he puts himself on the arch, I'm out. But if the arch is just. America's sick. Yeah, I like it.

[Matt]

That'd be tight. Well, he's going to have. His name's going to be somewhere on there.

[Shane]

Definitely.

[Matt]

It's. There's no way.

[Shane]

There's no way. His name's not on.

[Matt]

Yeah, he's gonna put that on there somewhere. Yeah.

[Shane]

But hopefully he puts everyone one of his.

[Matt]

Now there's, like, on the wall, you know, like, Abraham Lincoln has, like, the Gettysburg Address. It'll be one of Trump's speeches. Fat, fat. Shut up.

[Chris]

It'd be nice to have. You remember the. The LED belt buckles where it was like. And it's like, just across the top. It's like all his top insults.

[Matt]

Yeah. I mean, you know, I. I haven't heard much about Piggy Arch.

[Shane]

Piggy. Quiet Piggy.

[Matt]

Quiet Piggy. Just him as like, a cherubic kind of Greek thing and like a pig lady and him being like, yeah, it'd be kind of funny.

[Shane]

The arch is sick.

[Matt]

The arch does look sick.

[Chris]

Yeah, it does look nice.

[Matt]

And I agree with you. We should start building cool new statues.

[Shane]

Yeah, we do need cool stuff.

[Matt]

Yeah, but stuff. It's tough to agree now. Back in the day, it was like, consensus, like, yeah, throw up a. Yeah, throw up. Cool. Now it's like, well, hold on. We should do one of the. The ladies that clean them all. And you're like, yeah, okay. Cool statue. Awesome. All right. We're all stoked, obviously. There they are.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The statue of Sherman in Central Park. I always go pay homage to it.

[Matt]

That's awesome. We need this.

[Shane]

Yeah, we used to have. Cool.

[Matt]

Yeah. It's so sick. That's tight.

[Chris]

That is great.

[Matt]

Some cities still haven't. I. I wish I knew more about, like, the. The, you know, symbology of, like, horses, hooves. Two hooves are up. If it's reared up, like, what that means scenes. I like that stuff.

[Shane]

They tell you that at Gettysburg?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Pretty exciting. But then there's a couple statues that don't follow it. What?

[Matt]

Yeah, knock them down.

[Shane]

I. I'm gonna topple them. Yes.

[Matt]

I'll be out there with ropes.

[Shane]

I'll bring sandals.

[Matt]

But, yeah, that's. I. I mean, yeah, again, who knows? I keep. I keep. I'm getting. I'm being every news thing I see. I get the new reality. Like, we're entering the new reality. We've lost this algorithm. Horizontal warfare. And it's the kinetic phase. Like, dude, shut up.

[Shane]

I got asked to invest in AI defense.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no.

[Shane]

Do it.

[Matt]

Yeah, that would feel.

[Shane]

I would have done it. And then they blew up that school of children, and I was like, I can't ever. Yeah. You know how bad I'd feel if I was sitting here in my tighties watching westerns? Then it said, breaking, we blew up another school.

[Matt]

I wonder if the AI interface made 10 bucks off that. When it blow school, the screen is like, oops, my bad. You're totally right. That was a girl school. Let's recalibrate. Do you want me to blow up something else? You ever.

[Chris]

Yeah, it's like Gwyneth Paltrow's voice.

[Shane]

Yeah, it's like, so you're exactly right on that. That was my bad.

[Ad Voice]

Wow.

[Shane]

I never considered it like that.

[Matt]

Thought it was a bunch of dudes in there.

[Chris]

And then. And then when it zooms in, it's flavor, flavor. And it's like, damn.

[Matt]

Bill Burr had a good bit online about human shields. He's like, they're using the kids as human shields? He's like, yeah. Wait.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

If I want to beat up my neighbor, he's holding his baby. It's like, you know, you gotta wait till he's on the grass so I can, like, flip him down. The baby bounces. I'm just gonna blast through the baby's head to hit my neighbor. Burst back. He came back, dude. Nice hard comeback. He's back. He's 100 full strength.

[Chris]

Great.

[Matt]

I keep waiting for that Ride a bag now. It's gonna be huge, dude. Wartime, right? You're gonna Riyadh. No, I didn't get offered, but I'm saying wartime. Oh, it's got to be. It's got to be 3x rider. I don't know what the it's called.

[Chris]

Oh, that's true. Like, for the. For the next year.

[Shane]

They're gonna keep doing it.

[Matt]

Next year's Riyadh Mid war, bro. Oh, boy.

[Chris]

That is all. Yeah, there's like. There's like, a hazard pay bonus.

[Shane]

Salt. If I go over there, they're gonna need to break out the big saw. This guy's huge. I'm not going.

[Matt]

Yeah. I'm curious. Who does? Some people will go. People already went. Will go back because they already withstood the storm.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

But, yeah, mid war is crazy.

[Chris]

That is a wild one.

[Matt]

Mid war will be nuts.

[Chris]

That's like. Then you get to feel like 50 Cent performing in Iraq during. You know, I mean, it's fake. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. It's like they'll. People who go will be like, yeah, it was pretty crazy over there. It's like, you're not. You're not 50.

[Matt]

I'm gonna do it. Yeah. I would do a thing where I would go, like, I'm gonna perform for the troops, but then go to the US Government and like, yo, you got a matriyah's payback. If I want. That's got some. You guys have a 7 trillion dollar budget. You guys can pay me 2 million dollars. Stop complaining. All right.

[Chris]

That's actually a good idea. Yeah, they might do it.

[Shane]

Yeah, they would do it.

[Matt]

Dude, I have a. There was a. I know somebody who does, like, technology sales, and they said when they deal with the, like the military.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

There's some weird thing where, like, they'll order the wrong thing, but if it's on a military base, they have to destroy it no matter what. So like, millions of dollars of, like, computer equipment. And since instead of just returning it so it can be reused, they're like, we have to destroy this now. Reorder. It's pretty crazy. It is like, nothing. They'll be like, dude, whatever. This is what it is. This is protocol.

[Chris]

Yeah. It can. It can't get in the wrong hands.

[Matt]

They take it out back and just office space it.

[Chris]

They pay the Indian guys.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Chris]

They go, we're gonna stop them. Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah, dude, that. That. In the Madagascar thing, you're just living next to a river of literally a river of sewage.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That every day is rising. You're like, yeah, it's gonna be my.

[Shane]

Please fix it. That bothered me so much.

[Matt]

Yeah, that's it.

[Shane]

Don't do anything else. No soccer today, fellas. Sandbag day. We're gathering sandbags to put along the river, and we're doing that every day until somebody starts digging a tren.

[Chris]

Yeah. That would also, like, bother because it's like, like 10ft. There's a fence and then there's really nice houses.

[Matt]

Yeah, I saw that.

[Chris]

They're going to start.

[Shane]

Yeah, they're going through that fence.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So after my third summer of a shit flood, I go. And no one's helping with Plumbing. Yeah, it's time to go over the wall.

[Chris]

Yeah, it's like there's like a. Yeah, like a Chinese diplomat and his wife. So eat them. Like I'm pissed off.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's time to fight. Yeah. Yeah. It'd be time to infiltrate. Just do your thing.

[Shane]

At least get in the pool.

[Matt]

True. Just washing off the ship.

[Shane]

At least go pool hopping at night. Get shot.

[Matt]

Yeah. Can I just. Can I just wash the. Off my family, please? That's all I'm trying to. My family's covered in right now, and you have a pool. And I like to just wash the. Off me. The chlorine will actually kill the it Then you just need to chlorinate that river. There you go.

[Chris]

Oh, chlorine Bob.

[Shane]

That would help.

[Chris]

And then the skimmer a little bit.

[Matt]

Yeah, skimmer. Yeah, skim the. Skim the turds. Anything chunky. That's a lot of gators, though.

[Chris]

It's like that.

[Shane]

That's a gator pool, dude. And once monsoon season comes. Oh, no. The gators get loose.

[Chris]

Superdome.

[Matt]

Yeah, that. That was. India was pretty nuts looking. Madagascar was not as bad. India took the cake. That was just dudes in, like, little, like tiny courtyards, just grinding up plastic.

[Chris]

There's just not a free inch of.

[Matt]

No, it's.

[Chris]

Everything is used.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Noble, but too crowded for me.

[Matt]

No, the. Dude, the two go hot curry plastic bags.

[Chris]

Oh, I forgot about that.

[Matt]

That me up, dude. There's just 40 bags on the floor.

[Shane]

Just.

[Matt]

It's just like their ghost kitchens over there. There's 40 bags of steaming hot curry sitting in a plastic thing.

[Chris]

Yeah, it's like a plastic bag and then it's like soup. It's like the hottest soup you've ever seen in your life. And they just pour it in.

[Shane]

And that was a good job.

[Matt]

Yeah. All these jobs.

[Shane]

We saw the guy sitting Indian style.

[Matt]

Yeah. I am jealous when I see them how they can just chill on a floor like that. I'm like, damn. I can never do. My hip flexors are way too tight. My hip flexors are purely western from sitting in chairs.

[Chris]

Yeah, I like that. Yeah. It's nice to know, to be like, I'm not meant for. I'm supposed to be sitting in chairman. Yeah. I'm supposed to be sitting in a chair.

[Matt]

Someone call it civilized.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Chris]

It's an officer's pose.

[Shane]

Matt.

[Matt]

Sorry, Matt. Sorry if I'm the only one I know that wants to go to India. I want to go.

[Guest 1]

Yeah.

[Shane]

While we were watching, Matt was like, I want to go.

[Matt]

I Want to go to India so bad.

[Chris]

I think you'd like it spiritually.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think it'd be sick.

[Shane]

It's supposed to be hitting that spirituality would get the. Out the window. And it was 150 degrees.

[Matt]

Yeah, I've heard. I have heard people have gone there and it's like, I knew a woman who went there and she said it was like I was scared.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Her friends got off and a dude will just like grab you, like, come here off me.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They'll like bully you to stay in a certain hotel and like, where are you going? Like, they don't want you. It's up.

[Chris]

Yeah. I don't like.

[Matt]

It's really, really. Yeah, you get, you get. Then the bros come. There's. There was one time there was a. I think I've talked about this before, but the person I knew was there with her friend and she said they were. They were like looking at a thing and the tour guide was like, we have to go right now. There's just a dude. A pack of dudes in business cash, like semi unbuttoned shirts, like, yo, we have to leave. These guys are going to rape you. We have to leave. So I got. But I don't think, I think the bros would get me. You need to club, dude. They might be clubbed up too, though.

[Shane]

They definitely have clubs. Let me tell you something.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

How can she club?

[Chris]

Damn.

[Matt]

Yeah, I remember like, damn, that sucks.

[Chris]

Middle management meeting coming this way. It's all the guys from the office.

[Shane]

I mean, if you get done grinding plastic for 12 hours.

[Chris]

That's true. And then you see some white bitches

[Shane]

here on a fucking spiritual journey. You're gonna pay for this. You're gonna pay for your choices. Like a catcher for 12 hours. Dude. Separating plastics into a wood chipper.

[Chris]

Yeah. Taking apart like six engines.

[Shane]

They are killing it on tick tock. And yeah. Indian bros are coming up with good. Yeah.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah. I like that guy.

[Shane]

They are very funny. Yeah.

[Matt]

We should acknowledge Third World privilege. Your videos kind of slap.

[Guest 1]

Yeah.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

If you're Third World, you get a smartphone. Everyone's like, let me see. I. I need to see what the hell's going on right now.

[Chris]

True.

[Matt]

It's pretty tight. It is crazy. Those villages that go from like no electricity to smartphones.

[Chris]

I know.

[Matt]

It's just like, yo, here's that would be dude. Looking through a screen at like upper middle class suburb in New Jersey. From the third World, you might be. You must just be like, dude, what the.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

What the is that?

[Chris]

It's like.

[Matt]

It's got to be crazy.

[Chris]

It probably feels like a hallucination.

[Matt]

It really does. That's like, wait, where's your river?

[Chris]

Yeah, exactly.

[Shane]

Rivers.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Our river runs underground.

[Chris]

It's like you get an ad with like a woman in it. It. And then it's just immediately it's like, come here.

[Shane]

Yeah, I need you here.

[Chris]

Where are you? Yeah, now come.

[Shane]

Yeah. It's hard to fight that reserve as a Westerner.

[Chris]

I know.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You understand the technology already. If I just got Instagram and was looking at girls pictures, I'd be like, come.

[Matt]

Yeah, Take your shirt off.

[Shane]

Take your shirt off, please.

[Matt]

I think a bird in the mirror.

[Shane]

I'd be like,

[Matt]

Let me in.

[Chris]

There's like a couple guys that I used to do open mics with that are like, they're just American guys, but they're like. They've just lost it and they're just on Twitter. It's just women being like, you know, here's a workout thing. And just. Good morning. Hi. There's one where it's like. I took a picture of it. There's a lady. It's like, you're trying to this thick with a little dick. And then he's like, good morning. Hi, it's me. I just. And he just used to. I don't know. Yeah, good morning.

[Shane]

My algorithms. Yeah. I'm getting the hot babes again.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And I'm getting so good. I mean, it's like geoguessr. I'm good. I can see the. I can see the background of a hot chicks picture and be like, she's in the gold coast.

[Matt]

Australia.

[Chris]

What?

[Shane]

That's why British. Oh, Nashville. I mean, they're only in five spots.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Miami, Nashville, L.A. australia. And what was the other one I just said? England's tossing some Nash.

[Matt]

Yeah, England. England. Yeah. They can toss some babes out. Very classical babes. London's like a fashion capital too. So, yeah, New York, New York, babes out. That's where. Yeah, they all.

[Shane]

Yeah, but they're more like. They're more stylish.

[Matt]

Yeah, true.

[Shane]

I'm talking about the.

[Matt]

I got hit with a Super stylish Miami 10s.

[Shane]

Nashville, 10, bro. Australia, 10.

[Matt]

Australia, tens are wild. I had a super stylish babe get into my elevator today. I just. I do. For real. Like, crazy pointy, super shoes, weird, tight but loose dress pants. Smelled like absolute heaven.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Came in. I just looked at the floor. I literally looked at the floor. I just went, I know.

[Chris]

That's all you can do.

[Shane]

Royalty.

[Matt]

It Was literally.

[Shane]

The queen's here.

[Matt]

I just. I'll just skip my floor.

[Chris]

Were you dirty when she got in the elevator?

[Matt]

Huh?

[Chris]

Were you dirty when that happened?

[Matt]

Yeah. Looked like this. I was covered in dirt. She walked in.

[Shane]

You literally were a peasant.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

In the fields.

[Matt]

Didn't even usually. Usually I'm like, pretty. You know, you guys see me work on the elevator. I'm usually just. I can't help. I'll riz up. I'm risen non stop.

[Shane]

You're happy to chat in the vader?

[Matt]

I'm happy to chat in the vader.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It was.

[Matt]

When it's just me. Me in person. I was just dirty in the elevator and I just went. Not even going to try to riz you up at all.

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's not like I just, you know, chat. I chat. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

[Shane]

Of course, of course.

[Matt]

I'm just, you know, you got.

[Shane]

You say, I'm not a jackass.

[Matt]

No, I'm not.

[Shane]

I'm not a jackass. I was like, yeah, hell yeah. That's good.

[Matt]

No, I like that there being a jackass elevator. I'm just saying these guys saw. These guys saw the lady was risen. Me up a little bit in the elevator.

[Chris]

Whoa.

[Matt]

Were you there? I don't know if you guys were there. Lamar was there. Yeah. I have a couple. I have elevator buddies. I have a couple elevator buddies. I see all the time.

[Shane]

What elevators are you guys on?

[Matt]

It's in my. My office apartment.

[Shane]

Oh.

[Matt]

So when we do the podcast there, I'll bring the team. I bring the team there. My elevator buddy. See my team.

[Chris]

Yes.

[Matt]

Start chatting me up.

[Chris]

That's true. Yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, God. Yeah. They probably. Yeah. Lord knows what you're doing.

[Matt]

I know. We just scream and shout out. Maybe they could. I. I've thought about it before.

[Shane]

They might like and subscribe.

[Matt]

Yo, next time we had the cams in my elevator with my elevator buddies. Call me Anaconda. Yo, Anaconda. Where do we go? The camps like, yo, yo, chill, chill, chill.

[Shane]

Anaconda squares.

[Matt]

I usually can raise with the best of them in the elevator. But this I was so dirty and this lady just came on and she was like, mean too. She came on at mean Face and I just went, look.

[Shane]

Yeah, a lot of those fashion babes are mean.

[Matt]

Yeah, she was a mean babe, dude. Very pointy, sharp features. I went, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. My vlog life. You are not. Not my squad. Yeah, Septum Pierce babes. Not my squad either. We rarely get along I agree. Rarely, dude.

[Shane]

I only really run into them at. While they're bartending.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And they're the meanest.

[Matt]

Yeah, dude, they're mean as hell. Mean as hell. You already know. They're gonna be like. It's like, all right, bro, take that out of your. Pick a side. Pick a side. Dude, what the is this? Oh, yeah, take it out. Yeah, take it out right now. Pissing me off. I know you complain on tick tock or whatever. That's all it is, but you get that and you're like,

[Shane]

shut up.

[Matt]

A lot of bartenders film their shifts now. You know that? They film them and they time lapse them. It's really thing damn day in life

[Chris]

and it's just like it's me the whole time.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

Do they?

[Shane]

That's crazy.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You were telling me you can't live stream at a bar. That's not fair.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's supposed to be a safe haven for saying stuff.

[Chris]

Yeah, for real.

[Shane]

You're supposed to say the worst things there.

[Chris]

I would like.

[Shane]

Speaking of dude, guys saying when they're wrongfully caught saying the wrong things. This Donald Sterling thing's been making me laugh.

[Matt]

What happened?

[Shane]

It's just an old thing he said during his deposition. Well, whatever. I'll try to find. But he's like, when. When. When a beautiful woman hits on me and sucks on me and it lets me know she cares about me and the limo driver. And I get in a limo and she gets naked and starts sucking my toes and sucking on me. And I say, thank you for making me feel good. And they get. Then the next line in the deposition is like. The question was, is that your handwriting? Pretty classic, dude.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Shane]

He's going, dude, I like to get sucked in limos.

[Matt]

Suck it on me.

[Shane]

On my. I get sucked on a limo on the way to Mr. Cooney house. It's what he said.

[Chris]

It's Mr. Kun's house he's going to.

[Matt]

What was he the deposition for?

[Shane]

Probably getting caught saying the N word. I don't even think he said the N word. He just said he didn't even say the N word. Dude.

[Guest 1]

He didn't want his lady pictures with him. Posting pictures. Yeah, that's what it was. He said, don't post pictures with him as fellas.

[Shane]

Look, fellas.

[Guest 1]

I never said that. I never said nothing was wrong.

[Shane]

Say he's innocent.

[Guest 1]

I've been. I've been. I said that when I was a kid. I was like. I was.

[Matt]

I was trying.

[Guest 1]

I was like, he's taking pictures with other. With other dudes. Like, like that's, that's a no go.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And they're basketball players and it's courtside without him.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

He's like, look, you can take him to the games. I don't care if you hang out with him. Stop posting pictures.

[Guest 1]

I think he even said, I don't care if you him. I think he was like, I don't even care if you have sex with him. Just stop.

[Matt]

He was getting his balls broken, dude. Yeah. Your wife's Hanging out with Mr. Anaconda again.

[Shane]

Every day. Posting a picture with Mr. Anaconda.

[Matt]

If you're like a 7 year old white guy, it does kind of suck if your wife's constantly taking pictures with giant black guys. He's getting ribbed. That's the thing. He's like, I'm getting ribbed.

[Chris]

Yeah, stop. It's like, yeah. Everywhere I turn, people are like, I get out of the limo, Mr. Coon's house. It's like, your wife is.

[Shane]

Yeah, he was just getting his feet and donk sucked in the limo.

[Chris]

True. That's so.

[Shane]

That probably also bothered him too, where everyone was like, you're a. And he's like, bro, I'm getting so much, so much. What are you talking about? I'm hurt, so stop talking to me like, like that.

[Matt]

It's also funny because, you know, he like, really? He was like, all right, I got a bro. Sensitive subject. How do I broach it? So he's probably practicing in the limo. He's getting like his feet sucked. He's like, I'll be like, I don't have anything against black guys. Just chill with the picks. All right. Yeah, just a weird look for me. How do you think? Put yourself in my shoes.

[Chris]

Yeah. Did he. Did he ever go to the games or did he just like.

[Shane]

I'm not sure.

[Chris]

He just owned the team.

[Shane]

Probably chilled outside in the limo on the way to Michigan.

[Chris]

Yeah. He's like, yeah, the clippers aren't very good.

[Matt]

Good. I've been saying it. You're gonna bring limos back. Nobody rides in limos anymore.

[Chris]

I know. It's it, it is like nobody does. I was just talking with somebody. But yeah, they. They look like silly now.

[Matt]

They look crazy. Dude.

[Chris]

They're funny.

[Matt]

They have a 30 foot car.

[Chris]

They're so funny.

[Matt]

But you could get them. It'd be sick to bring them back.

[Chris]

I know.

[Matt]

Just chill in the limo. Phone in the limo.

[Shane]

I need a new car. I might get one. Just the limo and drive the limo just try to parallel park.

[Matt]

Just pull a stretch upper into Whole Foods.

[Shane]

Oh, he said worse things than you thought.

[Matt]

Oh, no.

[Shane]

What else? Hold on. Let's go over it. Because I thought the gist of it was like, come on, chill.

[Guest 1]

That's what I thought it was, too. It starts with, don't bring black people and don't come to my games. He told her is one of them. Because she recorded all. She did sneak. That's the part that was also a little annoying. She sneaky recorded them in his house. Which is. That's not fair. But it also says it bothers me that you want to promote broadcasts that you're associating with black people. Which that was. That was. That was kind of rough.

[Shane]

All right, never mind.

[Matt]

Yeah, hold on.

[Shane]

Let's go ahead and take that one back.

[Guest 1]

I support them and get them food and clothes and cars and houses. I guess he's talking about owning.

[Shane]

Is he goofing? Because sometimes. Sometimes white fellows, we say goofing things.

[Guest 1]

If I remember right, his tone in this wasn't never a goof. It was kind of a pleading tone, like, come on, babe. If I remember hearing the audio. So he probably was like. He'd probably be genuine, like.

[Shane]

But how old was he?

[Guest 1]

How old was he?

[Shane]

Yeah, I think he's like, 80 or 80.

[Matt]

It's so funny. It's so funny to own the team. You know what I mean? You own it.

[Shane]

It's like, you just a bad job to have for what he was saying.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Wait, he's still alive? Yes. He's 92. He's still alive.

[Matt]

Yeah. He was basically telling you, his wife, like, you don't get high off your own supply. Also, you own the team. It's like, bro, don't be.

[Shane]

He was courtside strong.

[Matt]

Don't be. You know, you have him weak in the knees.

[Chris]

That's true.

[Shane]

Damn. And he had a. I think. I mean, she's something.

[Chris]

Oh, yeah, she's V. Stiviano.

[Matt]

Yeah, she's.

[Chris]

I actually don't know, but she's not

[Shane]

a. I think that might be.

[Chris]

She's not a white lady.

[Shane]

Looks like an ex.

[Matt]

Yeah, he had, like, upgraded, too. Yo. He had the supermodel. Yeah. I mean, if you have the supermodel, you gotta let your supermodel just do supermodel stuff, dude. You can't be like, hey, yeah.

[Chris]

I feel like at that point, it's like, that's what those guys do.

[Matt]

You should have got into it.

[Chris]

That's what I'm saying.

[Matt]

He should have been like, I think

[Shane]

he probably was into it, but just was like, take pictures.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris]

Oh, I see. He just didn't want it to be public. Yeah, he probably wasn't. Yeah, you're probably right.

[Shane]

He's 80, right?

[Matt]

True.

[Shane]

All right.

[Matt]

It could be the only way.

[Shane]

So we gotta go to the page.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. We got a nice one.

[Shane]

Let's talk Rome.

[Matt]

Let's go. Rome. I gotta. I got a lot of stuff. I gotta pee. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

[Shane]

Do it.

[Ad Voice]

Spring is the season everyone refreshes. Everything except their blinds. People put it off because they think it's complicated, [e-mail], we've spent 30 years proving it's not right. Now you can save big during the spring Cyber Monday sale. Whether you want to DIY it or have a pro to handle everything from measure to install, we've got you free samples, real design experts, and zero pressure. Just help when you need it. Shop up to 50% off site wide. Huge savings on special buys, plus a free professional measure. Now, during the Spring Cyber Monday sale, rules and restrictions apply.