Ep 614 - iNasty

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast — Ep 614 "iNasty" (May 15, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this episode, Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis explore the concept of "iNasty"—their term for online nastiness, especially as it manifests in comment sections, social media, and their own past behaviors as younger, more cynical comics. The conversation jumps between reflections on past internet bravado, personal and darkly comic stories about wildlife around their homes, the emotional aftermath of participating in celebrity roasts, and the urge towards and consequences of publicly “snapping.” The show maintains their trademark blend of unapologetic honesty, blue-collar nostalgia, and absurd humor, offering both self-deprecating introspection and the comforting banality of everyday life.

---

1. The "iNasty" Era & Online Nastiness

Theme: Both hosts reflect on their younger, more toxic selves online—how they participated in and fueled "iNasty" culture, lashing out anonymously and projecting their frustrations.

• "[00:10] Matt: You live by the iNasty. Die by the iNasty."
• "[01:25] Shane: Yeah, be careful with all the iNasty warriors out there. Eventually you have to face who you were nasty to."
• Remorse and amnesia over past online comments: "The worst is when you don't even remember." ([01:43])
• Relating to cancel culture: Shane recalls being "fired for being iNasty" and initially not remembering the comments ([01:51]).

---

2. Bird Stories: Joy, Tragedy & Empty Nests

A major early thread in the episode involves Shane’s emotional involvement with a family of wrens nesting in a Bud Light box outside his house.

• The hatching: "I was lucky enough to be outside… It was a beautiful day." ([02:01])
• Bittersweet climax: After excitement at the birds’ emergence, Shane returns to find one drowned in the pool. "I tried to resuscitate my boy. He was very dead." ([03:33])
• Dealing with loss: The humor and awkwardness of the bird’s disposal becomes a recurring joke ("La Mer just threw in the trash can in the kitchen. I was like, we should have buried the man." [04:01])
• Other animals: Talk shifts to tales of neighboring birds, the legal status of barn swallows and possums, and a lizard sex video Matt captured in his yard ([07:09]).
• Shane’s melancholy: "Now I'm just stuck with these nasty cardinals." ([04:40])

---

3. Reflections on Roasting, Comedy & Culture

Behind-the-scenes of roasts:

• Shane discusses prepping jokes for Cheryl Underwood and the ethics of roast humor.
• Communicating boundaries: Recounts calling Cheryl about a sensitive joke—"You can make fun of my husband for jumping off a building… That’s it." ([11:01])
• Unanimous audience feedback: "All four cities were like, you gotta do it." ([12:27])

Roast dynamics:

• Hierarchy of snapping: The duo joke about "white boys went dumb" at a recent roast ([13:17]) and who currently "rules" the roast scene.
  • "Matt McCusker says the white boys are the kings of snapping. Let me tell you something, Matt McCusker. You'll never be the king of snapping." ([13:47])

Psychological impact:

• Both hosts agree how being roasted "actually feels funny"—if you do well ([14:21]), but can cut deep after a bad set.
• Crowd dynamics and roast psychology: Going first at roasts is discussed as very challenging; being first makes you "look like a psycho." ([15:31])
• Social protocols: The distinction between "elites" in the audience and regular folks—corporate types at roasts must maintain poker faces for shareholder reasons ([16:13]).

Notable quote:

• "If you have a Black dude stands up out of his chair and laughs, it's better than a spit take." ([17:27] Matt)

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4. The "iNasty" Ecosystem, Debate Culture, and Media Negativity

• Media and podcast culture are called out for their widespread nastiness.
  • "Podcasters can be iNasty at the weaker moments. We’re in an iNasty ecosystem." ([20:00])
  • "Every time I read the news now, it's like America’s over, no one will ever get a job again." (approx. [20:40])
• Matt dives into philosophical territory, referencing Alasdair MacIntyre and modern debates as ego wars instead of rooted moral argument. ([22:22])
  • "All people do is just, like, yell at each other. ‘I like this.’ ‘Well you’re a [bleep]!’" ([22:43])

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5. Social Media & Mental Health

Both hosts openly discuss limiting social media due to its negative mental impact.

• Physical symptoms: "I'm pretty sure my vitals go up by like ten heartbeats a minute." ([24:03] Matt)
• Dealing with shade and rumors online: "Yo, you see they’re calling you gay and say you suck at basketball on Reddit?" ([24:29] Matt)
• Matt embracing basketball as a new release: "I've been hooping lately… I have hoop dreams now." ([24:43])

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6. Everyday Rivalry & Pickup Basketball

• Matt and Shane reminisce about pickup basketball etiquette and the little rivalries and egos involved.
  • Riffing on fouls, bickering, and friendly beefs: "There's nothing worse than a before-court beef. I squashed them immediately." ([25:32])
• Matt’s reputation in local games as a trash talker and aggressive player produces running gags about him as Draymond Green ([29:08]).
• Anecdotes about playing alone and practicing "fadeaway step-backs" ([28:23]), neighborhood dynamics, and the struggle to fit in with more reserved suburban players.

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7. On the Road: Touring and Fatigue

Shane shares his recent whirlwind tour schedule, mixing comedy shows, coast-to-coast flights, and major arenas.

• The grind: "Coast to coast and a show that day. That sucked." ([45:12])
• Coming home: Relief at being back with “ugly, pale guys, my brothers” in Boston ([45:23]).

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8. Personal Relationships, Naked Neighbors, and Domestic Life

• Matt admits to absentmindedly being naked in his backyard, risking scarring new neighbors ([41:10]).
• Brief but hilarious confessional about marital sexual dynamics and the agony of “week retention.” “If I go a week, if I’m on a week retention, the seventh, eighth day… I can't sleep out of horniness.” ([41:53])
• Extended riff on marital negotiations regarding masturbation and watching adult content ([42:51–43:03]).

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9. Absurd Sexual & Corporate Scandals

The crew riff on a recent viral news story about an Indian employee’s wild claims about being sexually dominated by his female boss at JP Morgan.

• "No one’s mad about a thick racist Dom. That lady was hot." ([53:16] Shane)
• Disbelief and hilarity about the term “fish head Asian wife,” suspecting the whole thing was fabricated ([52:02–53:04]).

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10. Childhood, Young Love, & Goo Goo Dolls

Both reminisce about the melodrama of early adolescent romance and the emotional power of '90s music.

• Shane hilariously admits to playing Goo Goo Dolls’ "Iris," looking at his crush in the yearbook and “pretending to be in love” at age nine ([60:54 – 61:43]).
• The comic volatility of adolescent relationships—“I have a girlfriend right now…” followed by playground breakups and posturing ([62:03–63:17]).
• Discussion on "tits coming online" during grade school, navigating growing up, and lying about sexual conquests for status ([63:40–65:17]).

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Notable Quotes

• Shane: “You live by the iNasty. Die by the iNasty.” ([00:10])
• Matt: “That bird would have got the stanking. Poor guy. RIP to the bird.” ([09:00])
• Shane: “White boys went dumb. The white boys might be the king of snapping now.” ([13:28])
• Matt: “I know I look like I’m serious.” (on how jokes can look on TV out of context, [19:11])
• Matt: “If I go a week retention…I can't sleep out of horniness. It's just, if I go a week, the seventh, eighth day, I'm just kind of like, I can't sleep.” ([41:53])
• Shane: “No one is immune, dude. No one is immune. It’s just…it is. It's the path for people now. It is the absolute path. It's what the people want right now. They want to get nasty.” ([23:32])
• Matt: “We just like, stood there like this. And then like, two days later, like. Like, she's breaking up with you.” ([63:07])
• Shane: “As soon as anything even decent happens for you… the nasties will turn.” ([48:25])
• Matt: “Dudes were powerless. Dude, the Goo Goo Dolls…I don’t know what kind of evil magic they did.” ([62:02])

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Timeline of Key Segments

• 00:00-02:00: Reflecting on "iNasty" and online nastiness
• 02:00-06:30: Bird hatching and deaths; wildlife tales; disposing of dead animals
• 10:34-16:00: Roasting culture, prepping roast jokes, audience reactions
• 21:07-24:26: Media cynicism, debate culture, effect of internet on psychology
• 24:29-29:38: Social media rumors, basketball pickup game etiquette
• 41:00-44:37: Marital life, sex, internet fatigue, late-night introspection
• 52:02-54:40: Viral corporate sex scandal, credibility of bizarre claims
• 60:54-63:17: Childhood romance, Goo Goo Dolls, young love and heartbreak

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Tone, Style, and Highlights

• Loose and confessional, blending juvenile humor, real vulnerability, and philosophical musing
• Swinging between the absurdly personal (bird funerals, neighborhood nudity, sexual frustration), professional anxieties (comedy, touring, roasting), and cultural critique ("eye nasty" media ecosystem).
• Displays humility and generosity, particularly when discussing their own online or emotional failings.

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Conclusion

With strangely touching stories about dead birds, honest reflections on nastiness (both internal and external), and the unending absurdity of modern life, “iNasty” is an excellent example of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast at its best: raucous, oddly poetic, and sincerely funny. Their willingness to revisit their own “iNasty” pasts, digress into petty neighborhood squabbles, and lay bare their insecurities (in every sense) is as cathartic as it is hilarious.

Listen If You Want:

• Honest takes on social media toxicity
• Death, birth, and trash comedy about nature
• How comedians actually feel about roasts and cancel culture
• Absurd riffs on work, sex, sports, and the cruel beauty of being alive in 2026

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For notable sections, queue up:

• [03:33] Shane’s doomed attempt to save the baby wren
• [13:28] Crowning the new kings of "snapping"
• [24:03] Matt on phone-stress and the rise in his heart rate
• [41:53] Matt’s comedic frustrations with lust and marriage
• [52:02] The wild corporate sex scandal breakdown
• [60:54] Shane’s yearbook/Goo Goo Dolls confession

(For the full wild ride, listen start-to-finish — just skip the ads!)

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

The wild, wild west.

[Shane Gillis]

It's time to go, it's time, it's time to face. You gotta face up to the nasty things you said.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

We're finding out. We're finding out as brothers.

[Matt McCusker]

You live by the eye nasty. Die by the eye nasty.

[Shane Gillis]

It's true.

[Matt McCusker]

It's the worst. It's the worst.

[Shane Gillis]

We were truly peak I nasty between 2016 and 2019. Nasty brothers. And now as adult men, you gotta really come.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I think, I think it's radon poisoning. We were in the basement.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

You're in the basement, you're breathing in radon. You start going like, that guy's not that funny, man. Funnier. Yeah, we were.

[Shane Gillis]

I should be the one on tv. I would be mad at people's, like, late night sets. I would see, like a woman do a Conan set. And I'd be like, why do I care? Just what happens, dude, it is what happens. I mean, everybody.

[Matt McCusker]

My thing is, I'll never forget, like, I remember, which is like working, being a young man and being like, I need to get a job and establish myself in the world and I would like work at LA Fitness for like 30 minutes and like, go out to my car and cry. It's so grim. It's so hard. It's the nasties. So if you have the outlet, dude. Yeah, I used to go I nasty on YouTube. I would just see a video of like a guy, like, recording a swim meet and I'd be like, pedophile weirdo. He'd be like, hey, this is my family channel.

[Shane Gillis]

And I'm like, pedophile. 10 likes.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, let's go. Yeah, be careful with all the I nasty warriors out there. No, man, eventually you're gonna have to face who you were nasty to and then you're gonna go, man, I was being such a dude. I'm so sorry.

[Matt McCusker]

The worst is when you don't even remember. Yeah, I'll get. I'll see stuff and I'll be like, huh? Nobody ever said. I'm like, oh, I don't remember. I don't even remember that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, when I got fired for being I nasty, I was like, nah, I would never say that.

[Matt McCusker]

It happens.

[Shane Gillis]

Anyway, here's the most important piece of information that the people are dying to find out. The. The rens. The rens did hatch. And I was lucky enough to be outside.

[Matt McCusker]

It was.

[Shane Gillis]

It was a beautiful day. I was on my laptop, I was going over the roast jokes, which is a funny thing to sit outside. So funny to sit, take a laptop out, get a coffee, sit outside. It's, like, beautiful out. And then just be like, cheryl Underwood's husband is dead.

[Matt McCusker]

There's new life emerging around you.

[Shane Gillis]

But then I watched the baby come out of the Bud Light box. He jumped out of the top. And I. Well, while I'm out there, I keep good track of the mom and dad.

[Matt McCusker]

You do?

[Shane Gillis]

I knew both of them were gone. So I see some. Some rustling going on in the Bud Light box, and I go. I hit him with Cusco. And then I watched the guy come out. He was bigger than I thought it'd be. Really? Yeah, they're pretty thick.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn.

[Shane Gillis]

And. But he was. He was fluffy. Oh, he had, like, fluffy feathers. I watched him jump. He started, like, hopping around. As soon as he came out, the mom and dad came right back and started, like, hopping around him while he was trying to, like, what it was. I was so happy.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

Then I go to the airport to pick up McIver. I come back, and he was dead in the pool.

[Matt McCusker]

No, no.

[Shane Gillis]

And McIver and Blizz were here, so I had to pretend I wasn't going to cry.

[Matt McCusker]

I got in. I was like, oh, no.

[Shane Gillis]

I was so sad. Dude, I got the pool net. This is in front of them. This thing's so dead. I got the pull net, scooped it out, and then pressed on his chest. I tried to resuscitate my boy. He was very dead.

[Matt McCusker]

How many? How many really? Have, like, three.

[Shane Gillis]

Two or three made it, but one of the fellas hit the pool.

[Matt McCusker]

My neighbor had a. A nest of barn swallows.

[Shane Gillis]

So the mayor just. I.

[Matt McCusker]

The body.

[Shane Gillis]

I was. I couldn't look at it. I had to go inside for a second and pretend I wasn't incredibly upset, because that is weird. And then I come back. Lamar just threw in the trash can in the kitchen.

[Matt McCusker]

The kitchen? Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He just put a dead bird in the house and then went back to gaming. I was like, we should have buried the man.

[Matt McCusker]

Lair. Grew up on, like, a bayou or something. Why. Why the. Would he throw a dead bird inside in the trash?

[Shane Gillis]

Who knows?

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, at least over the fence, man.

[Shane Gillis]

That's the tragedy of the. The Ren.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, dude, that's. It's my neighborhood. Similar journey, dude. Well, hey, they moved on. You're. It's an empty nest. You're an empty Bud lighter right now.

[Shane Gillis]

I still. I still think about them now. I'm just stuck with these nasty cardinals. That's all I have.

[Matt McCusker]

They're. You have some cool cardinals, though.

[Shane Gillis]

They are good.

[Matt McCusker]

You got some nice.

[Shane Gillis]

They Just gave birth. Did they just hatch? I don't know how to use the words. Yeah, they gave birth.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they gave birth. They.

[Shane Gillis]

And then hatched.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they. They have their hatchlings. My neighbor had a similar. A similar thing where he had barn swallows. If you have a nest of barn swallows, it's actually illegal in Austin to, like, remove the nest, I guess, because they're, like, endangered. So he had these, like, barn swallows nesting.

[Shane Gillis]

No one's gonna find out.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, that's true.

[Shane Gillis]

You can smash that.

[Matt McCusker]

That's true. That's true.

[Shane Gillis]

It's like killing a praying mantis is illegal, I guess.

[Matt McCusker]

If you, Like. If you told your neighbor. If I. If I. He was like, I got barn swallows. I saw him swatting it.

[Shane Gillis]

I could be like, yes.

[Matt McCusker]

Which I would. Yeah, it was against the law. I would have called. I would have called the cops. I'm like, sorry, dude. I. I like it as a neighbor, but I'm. I would absolutely punish you under the law. But no, he was, like, laughing because he was like, dude, they're, like, right there, like. And they, like, they're protective, so they'll swoop on you if you're close. So they were like, kind of like, yeah, we're kind of giving our whole portrait, these birds. And he's like, it's nice. He got, like, real attached to him. They're all over his porch. And then the one day, he just saw one dead bird, and he goes, I got three more. Every bird died. And he said the same thing. He was like, I went with, like, a. On a journey with this bird family. All their babies died. And then he's like, I don't even want to take the nest away. I'm like, what if they want to come back?

[Shane Gillis]

I'm leaving that nest. I might keep living in this house for one more year just to keep an eye on it. Just to go, please come back, bros.

[Matt McCusker]

Tell you what, if you want some buddies, right now, my garden's popping with lizards. It's been.

[Shane Gillis]

That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

They're nice. They're low maintenance.

[Shane Gillis]

Did you get one of those rock things?

[Matt McCusker]

No, I didn't even get it. Well, my. My whole garden bed's made out of limestone rock, so they're kind of chilling that. But I think they're eating my strawberries. Could be wrong, but I don't even mind, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I. I can't make sure you're right. You accuse someone of this.

[Matt McCusker]

I hear you, but I.

[Shane Gillis]

Because I've seen guys go down the wrong path. My buddy executed A possum. Steve Mc Name. He stabbed the possum.

[Matt McCusker]

You can't possum. I had a possum in my yard. I liked him.

[Shane Gillis]

Possums are good. He stabbed it, he drowned it. And then it wouldn't drown, so he stuck a spike through its chest.

[Matt McCusker]

Aim right.

[Shane Gillis]

It's crazy. He showed me. I was like, bro, I don't like you.

[Matt McCusker]

That's not right. Yeah, possums also eat snakes. And they're good to have.

[Shane Gillis]

They're good. After he did it, he was telling me about it and I was like, bro, I'm pretty sure they're good for garden. They are. There's no way he was grubbing your tomatoes.

[Matt McCusker]

And. And yeah, I looked it up today. They will. I don't know if it's them per se because that we have those fake owls and I don't see a lot of birds in my garden, so I don't think it's the birds munching them, but I swear I think these. But it's. I don't even care, dude. I caught them having sex the other day. I have lizards having sex on video. It's pretty tight.

[Shane Gillis]

That is tight.

[Matt McCusker]

My dog tried to eat them while they're having sex, which would be the

[Shane Gillis]

ultimate three way getting devoured mid sex. Pure life.

[Matt McCusker]

It was pretty nice.

[Shane Gillis]

It's almost as good as. Honestly, the Ren did have a good life.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Dance with his parents. Splash, splish, flash a little.

[Matt McCusker]

Yep. Hit the pool.

[Shane Gillis]

It's a good life.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, man, some birds fly. He swam. Off limits.

[Shane Gillis]

Don't joke about that. I mean, dude, I know roasting is therapeutic, bro. Look, as a roast master myself, we only roast the rents. We love.

[Matt McCusker]

That is. That is a sick life for a bird, though. You got to go, you know.

[Shane Gillis]

Jumped around with his mom and dad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yep.

[Shane Gillis]

And then La Merle threw him in a trash can underneath, like cum tissues.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh. Oh, God.

[Shane Gillis]

Buried like a pharaoh surrounded by com. How could you dis. I didn't know what to do. I just thought I'd put it in a bag and put it in the trash.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, you bagged it.

[Shane Gillis]

All right. You bagged it. That's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I didn't want to leave it

[Shane Gillis]

in the trash roll, you know, Trash roll.

[Matt McCusker]

It's gonna. Because they stink. That would have stunk so bad. Although if you time it right, I guess you could toss it. I should have been. I would have gone so little.

[Shane Gillis]

He wouldn't have smelled. Yeah, it was fresh. He was smell.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He's about the size of A tiny mouse.

[Matt McCusker]

That bird would have got the stanking poor guy. Rip to the bird. But the other two, Lemaire was there

[Shane Gillis]

for me, pretending not to be really upset.

[Matt McCusker]

How'd you feel about the.

[Shane Gillis]

So sad. I was kind of sad. Everyone was. Everyone was pretty bummed out.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

See a floating baby bird in the pool. It was kind of bummed. Especially because I like, as soon as I got back from the airport, I was like, john, check this out. Oh, my guys hatched. They're out. They're jumping around.

[Matt McCusker]

No, the parents. The parents were like, no, don't.

[Shane Gillis]

I almost jumped in with my clothes on. Not even like a jump in. Like one of those where you run.

[Matt McCusker]

Wait. This episode is brought to you by Prize picks. The regular season's done and the N B A playoffs are here. Time to get in on the action with prize picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. NBA and Space B. Space A. Download the prize picks app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups. After you play your first five dollar lineup and during the playoff. During the playoffs, make a five dollar lineup with a live NBA pick for a shot at the do it live sweepstakes trip to the NBA finals. That's one. More info can be found on the prize picks promos board. Prize picks, a preferred partner of the NBA. Yeah, that's. That's sad. That's really sad. I'm. I didn't know that happened.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I'm sorry to the. I know a lot of the. The listeners were excited to find out. Yeah. But anyway, back to the roast.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't like the way people talk about roasts when they're like, roasting's just like, this is just what we do.

[Matt McCusker]

What we do.

[Shane Gillis]

It's.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it was. Yeah, that's. That was the best part of the culture, bro. Snapping.

[Shane Gillis]

I did have to snap, dude. I had both my guns loaded, full clips ready to dunk on Cheryl Underwood's husband for some reason. So she really did that. Yeah, I did call her.

[Matt McCusker]

I saw there's an article about it

[Shane Gillis]

because I felt like I was like, this is a serious thing to make fun of somebody for. And I don't know her.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Well enough to be like make. So I called her to. And you. You saw her on the road. She's wild. She was. She was a delight to talk to her on the phone.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I bet.

[Shane Gillis]

And then how did you even breach the subject?

[Matt McCusker]

Like, hey, how you doing? Oh, yeah, it's pretty nice out. Yeah. Hey, quick thing.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, no she immediately. I was like, hey, Cheryl, I gotta ask you about this joke. You can make fun of my husband for jumping off a building. It's like, that's it. That's it.

[Matt McCusker]

And look, singing about that, I have

[Shane Gillis]

no problem not doing it. It's probably going to make me look bad, so I'm definitely okay with not doing it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So then the next day, I go into a meeting and I'm like, I don't think I should do that joke. Left the meeting with four more jokes about it. I was like, it's my entire set now.

[Matt McCusker]

What in the meeting. Was the meeting like execs and shit?

[Shane Gillis]

There were two Netflix people in there, but I think they were just writing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

What we were talking about.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. So it's more.

[Shane Gillis]

But yeah, that and the Bonsai tree joke. Could have. Could have done without it. Yeah. Turns out.

[Matt McCusker]

You never know, though.

[Shane Gillis]

Turns out, could have done without it. Sometimes you.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, I mean, I was running.

[Shane Gillis]

Running it in front of the wrong crowds.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I was just doing it in Austin and then Boston, and they were like, yeah, dude. No, I did it in Nashville, Charlotte, Austin, and Boston. All four cities were like, you gotta do it.

[Matt McCusker]

It's unanimous.

[Shane Gillis]

I did do it. I ran it at Chappelle's. Yeah, that. It was. It was me. It was. It was a cool room. Yeah, it was. Exactly. Who would be upset by it? And they liked it.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the other thing, too. It's like, I think people still laughed and thought if you. If you were to try to take, like, a general. If you sit outside of a gas station today and call it the afternoon rush, like, what'd you think about that? They'd be like, bro, you don't give a. Bro, that was hilarious, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I already fielded. I was taught. I was on a construction site yesterday. They're like, bro, they don't give a. That was great, man. So, yeah, the boys are fired up.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I will say this. I just think. I think the tallies in on that specific roast. I think the white boys went dumb. It's true. The white boys went dumb. The white boys went dumb.

[Shane Gillis]

White boys. White boys might have went too dumb. Dude, everyone's upset that the white boys went dumb.

[Matt McCusker]

The white boys might be the king of snapping now. Hey, look, I'm just going off what I saw.

[Shane Gillis]

You think the white boys are the king of snap?

[Matt McCusker]

I think so. I think so. I think the white boys are the king of snap.

[Shane Gillis]

I just know that's getting a headline. Matt McCusker says the White Boys are the kings of snapping. Let me tell you something, Matt McCusker. You'll never be the king of snapping.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm not the king of snapping. I mean, but it could be. I can snap.

[Shane Gillis]

You can snap.

[Matt McCusker]

I can snap. But I. I don't know. If someone stabs me, I'll get real sad. I don't. Like, I was watching that, being like, dude, I would spaz.

[Shane Gillis]

I. That's what you think. And then it is. I mean, I didn't really get anything too bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

But it's funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

When someone makes fun of you like that. It is.

[Matt McCusker]

It is funny.

[Shane Gillis]

But everyone's like, it was genuinely funny getting made fun of.

[Matt McCusker]

That's true.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought that. I was really afraid I was going to be like, well, here's the problem.

[Matt McCusker]

Here's the problem, though. You did well. If I did poorly and then someone made fun of, like, my kids, I'd have been like, yo, seriously, dude, something's wrong. Seriously, dude, knock it off.

[Shane Gillis]

I. You know what else, though?

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't even just try to fight Jermaine. What's the NBA guy? Yeah. I'm. Seriously, Mr. Green, that's enough. All right? There's limits. But if I did it good, I'd have been like. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

I didn't even consider how bad it was to go first.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Until. And then I remembered, like, I saw, like, at the roast of. At Voss's roast, everyone just made fun of Florentine for his ex killing herself.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, before he went. And then when he went, everyone was like. The whole crowd was like, come on, Jim.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

So, like, that was his wife. Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

God damn.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he got it pretty good.

[Matt McCusker]

Also. Nicest dude ever.

[Shane Gillis]

But then he got on and just murdered.

[Matt McCusker]

So that's cool.

[Shane Gillis]

But what I'm saying is, like, going first, you look like you're just a psycho. Everyone's like, why is he like. Who's this guy saying mean things for no reason?

[Matt McCusker]

Well, that's. At least you have the first dibs on stuff in case there's, like, things bleed together. But I get it, dude. Opening a crowd and being. Obviously, you're like. You're not even thinking, like, okay, I gotta, like. I gotta lead these guys into the waters. You're just coming out, and it's like, bam.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I should have. I should have been a little more articulate up front of being like, this is a roast. I mean, we're gonna say some terrible things.

[Matt McCusker]

They also know. Everyone knows, of course. What happened.

[Shane Gillis]

They sure didn't.

[Matt McCusker]

The live, the Live audience, front section.

[Shane Gillis]

Did not agree with anything I was saying.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, that's also. That's, you know, that's the elites, dude. They're. They're like. They can get charged. Well, they can get charged with, like, face crime. So they're probably just. They're probably just, like, deadpan, just kind of like. That's actually very funny because they can't be up there if you're, like, the CEO of, like, Nesquik. You can't be like. You have to just be like, like everything else in your. You just have to go, nothing.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't like anything.

[Matt McCusker]

There's. There's 5 million shareholders depending on you to just be like,

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah,

[Matt McCusker]

that does suck, though. If I was up there, there's just a bunch of, like, very elegantly dressed people being like, all right, I quit. I'm done.

[Shane Gillis]

Also, Kevin is. He's like a pro at this. So he was like, he's helping you.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

He wants the show to go well. So if you say something terrible, he's gonna be like, you're crazy. He's not gonna be like, what the.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought he was great with that, though, because the whole time you watch him, I mean. Yeah. I also love when he. When he would stand up and just kind of prance around. I'm like, there's literally nothing better.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's nice.

[Matt McCusker]

If you have a black dude stands up out of his chair and laughs, you're just like, it's better than spit take. It's being like, yes.

[Shane Gillis]

And then Cheryl. Cheryl was so funny.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was.

[Shane Gillis]

She did a completely different thing in the rehearsal. We did a rehearsal that's like, a couple hours before the show, and she just made up what she was going to talk about then, too. She made up the whole thing. It was great.

[Matt McCusker]

That's insane.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

She might be queen of snapping that.

[Shane Gillis]

She's the. She's the queen.

[Matt McCusker]

I really think so.

[Shane Gillis]

Going.

[Matt McCusker]

Just going ad lib on that on TV is really kind of insane.

[Shane Gillis]

But I will say, when I was sitting up there and they're like, if you say the N word, we'll all beat your ass. I was like, I'm not gonna say it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. What the hell?

[Shane Gillis]

What the hell is this joke? I wasn't gonna say it.

[Matt McCusker]

That might have been a preloaded.

[Shane Gillis]

No, because it was off of me saying wigger Dracula. Oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Got you. Got you.

[Shane Gillis]

But then I watch, you know, earthquakes stand up like, yeah, no, earthquake. Don't beat my ass. Earthquake. Earthquake ruled he. In the front, there was certain people That I could count on. Earthquake, J Pharaoh. Those are my guys, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that is pretty nice, actually.

[Shane Gillis]

It was nice to see who was like, go for it, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

All you need are a couple of guys. If you have a couple of guys, especially Quake if you got Quake on your side.

[Shane Gillis]

It was the same with the ESPYs. I needed Jon Jones and Drew Ski and Lamar Jackson. Lamar Jackson got me through a couple. Look down. Solomon Jackson laughing.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like, that's so sick. Was it even close to as tight as the ESPYs?

[Shane Gillis]

No, it was. It was a lot better than that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that they were tight, but I

[Shane Gillis]

wasn't being making racist jokes. Really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

At the svs.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

That's where you feel bad, make a racist joke, and you look out and you see an older black lady going, I'm so sorry, I don't believe in what I'm saying. I swear I'm joking. I know I look like I'm serious.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm keeping it straight.

[Shane Gillis]

But overall it was, oh, another Lizzo. What a treat. You were saying she was awesome.

[Matt McCusker]

I know, I know. Absolute angel.

[Shane Gillis]

Telling you a lot in hindsight, I guess she never really did anything that

[Matt McCusker]

I shouldn't, like, just. It's the media, dude. It's like the media. The media's eye nasty. Commentors are eye nasty. Podcasters can be I nasty at the weaker moments. We're in an I nasty ecosystem. This episode is brought to you by Men's Warehouse. If you're on the lookout for new clothes, you need somewhere that has it all, which is why Men's Wearhouse is your go to. They've got you covered for every occasion with a huge variety from tailored clothing like suits, sports coats, dress shirts, tuxes for more formal events to casual clothing like polos, shirts, shorts, and jeans for everyday wear. The Men's Wearhouse experts can help you find the right look. While their on site tailors guarantee your clothes have the right fit for your body. Men's warehouse has over 600 locations nationwide. They are here and nearby. When you're ready to love the way you look. Yeah, it's complete, dude. Every I. I, like, read the news now and it's like, every. Everything I read is like, America's over. We're no one will ever get a job ever again. And it's just like, dude, why? Why are you guys doing this to everybody? Don't do that. That's not nice. And this guy's a idiot. You're like, all right, that's cool. I'm in the debate sphere. Right now, my algorithm is just debates, dude. They're. I. They're the funniest things in the world. It's like, well, no, that's just a logical fallacy. And I'll be like, yeah. You're like, what did you call me? It's like, oh, I'm just saying, it's. It's crazy. It's. It's unbelievable.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I saw one. I was just taking a. And I saw a nice one.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you really?

[Shane Gillis]

It was. Fuck, I'm forgetting his name. Who was the guy that did Vice and then the Proud boys?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, Gavin McGinnis.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. He was doing something on Piers Morgan and some lady was like. He. They were like, what citizenship are you? He was like, canada, United States and England.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[Shane Gillis]

And they're like. She was like, you can't have three. You can only be dual citizenship. He was like, yeah, I can. You stupid. And they were like, what'd you say? He was like, I called her a stupid bitch. Just mid debate. Spaz. Yeah, whatever, you fucking idiot.

[Matt McCusker]

It's nothing. But I watch them, everyone. You eventually do it. And it's funny too. When someone gets you in a debate, you go, okay, look, I see what you're saying, but. And you just jump to another. It's so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, we're just gonna have to agree to disagree on this.

[Matt McCusker]

Let's table that for now. You're being kind of pedantic. Let's table that for now. What I'm really talking about, it's. Dude, it's really nonsense. I was reading a book. It was too dense. I had to read a book about the book to try to understand it. But they were basically saying that, like, in modern. Like in modern times, morality's been so kind of like, jettison from what it originally kind of was formed around, which was like, divine law, basically from, like, religion. So now when people have moral arguments, it's just they. They're not really rooted in anything other than people's personal preferences and that all people do is just like, yell at each other. Because they're like, I like this. And they're like, well, you're a. I like this. And that's all debate is anymore, according to Alistair McIntyre.

[Shane Gillis]

I agree with Alistair McIntyre.

[Matt McCusker]

Alistair McIntyre is the man.

[Shane Gillis]

I hope so. I don't know, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

I catch up.

[Shane Gillis]

Is that. I'm done saying people are cool too.

[Matt McCusker]

He's cool.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not saying. I'm not saying people are good or bad anymore.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you know what's funny? So he was like a philosopher in the 80s who came up with this book about kind of, you know, morality and, you know, whatever. And so I was, like, trying to learn more about. It's really hard. All those books are so hard to read. So they expect that you just, like, know all of Greek mythology. They'll be like, and obviously Persephone. And you're like, who the is that? You read about that? But there was a lady, a professor, I believe was covering the book. And then in the introduction, she was like, yeah. And he says a lot about, like, community and practice. He's had four different wives, which. That's kind of weird. I'm like, why are you being nasty? You're supposed to be a academic. Now you're being I. Nasty to Alistair McIntyre. He's dead. The guy's died, like, two years ago.

[Shane Gillis]

Just toss in there.

[Matt McCusker]

You're being like, four wives. What the hell are. Somebody. He taught. What's he know about community? Community, guys. Fucking asshole. And you're like, what the fuck? You have a PhD? No one's immune, dude. No one is immune. It's just. It's. It is. It's the path for people now. It is the absolute path. And it's, you know, just. It's what the people want right now. They want to get nasty. You know, I would love to get a device hooked to my phone. I mean, I guess you could just monitor your Apple Watch, because I'm pretty sure my vitals go up by, like, ten heartbeats a minute. I was on the other day, just.

[Shane Gillis]

Just on the Internet.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. And I just got like. Then I sat down. I was like, I didn't feel like this before I went to my phone. It's bad.

[Shane Gillis]

It's the devil.

[Matt McCusker]

It is the devil.

[Shane Gillis]

I've been doing all right staying off at this week. Yeah, doing my best.

[Matt McCusker]

But then you stay off and someone goes, yo, I sent you a bunch of. You didn't see it. You're like, I was off.

[Shane Gillis]

They're like, that's okay. I can handle that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

It's more someone gives you bad news.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

You see what they're saying about you? No, I'm trying to avoid it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, don't. That's. Dude, when people hit you up, be like, yo, you see they're calling you gay on Reddit. I'm like, I don't. Don't call me. Don't call me that. My cousins do that to me. Like, yo, they're calling you gay and say you suck at basketball and Reddit. I'm like, I didn't even. What the you talking about?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't suck it back. I'm pretty good.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm getting better. What the. Yeah, man. I've been, I've been hooping lately. That's been my, that's been my dreams. I do have hoop dreams now. Absolute hoop dreams. It's been, I've learned. I have to, I do have to tone it down on the ground court. I'm telling you, I did, I, I, I came up playing different, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

True.

[Matt McCusker]

I might have to go. I might have to go to the hood to play ball. The gentlemen, dude, they don't like it. Dude, you talk a little tiny bit of. I feel like you can contest a foul call. I thought that was totally acceptable. Like, foul.

[Shane Gillis]

What the people like, what every single person does that. Everybody never played a single game where someone's like, oh, you're gonna call that? I know. Yeah, you slapped, you hit me in the face.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll. If I actually get you, I'll call it on myself. But sometimes there's calls where I'm like, loose ball calls and pickup. Come on, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

That's crazy, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

But yeah, I've, I've, I've squashed, I squashed on my court. Yeah. There's nothing worse than a before court beef. I squashed them immediately because I can be a little bastard too. Just be like, oh, you're not gonna

[Shane Gillis]

call that one, huh?

[Matt McCusker]

They're like, what the is your problem, man? I'm trying to play. I'm like, yeah, my bad, my bad.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You've reached an age where you can't do that.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't help it, bro. I know, but it's a fiery old head.

[Shane Gillis]

If I played, I'd be doing the exact same thing. That's how you play. Yeah, that you around, dude, I hate you.

[Matt McCusker]

You build the rivalry.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you go. I actually dislike the other team. My guys are my brothers. I'll die for them.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know any of their names. Yeah, yeah, man.

[Shane Gillis]

You throw it to the wrong team. Thought he was on my team, dude. You ever see. Have you guys ever seen Jordan's game winner against unc or when he was at unc, he won the national championship. It's like an iconic.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah, yeah,

[Shane Gillis]

Maybe it was. It was like a defining moment. He hits, he hits a corner jumper to win the national title. There was 20 seconds left. The other team gets the ball and comes down the court with 20 seconds. The guy at the top of the key just throws the ball to North Carolina. He throws it to the wrong guy. No, it just. Everyone just sucked. It's like a street ball fucking pass. Like a little kid. The guy gets the ball. No one's really pressuring him. He just panics and throws it to another guy. Oh, that's the game.

[Matt McCusker]

This is 20 seconds.

[Shane Gillis]

I thought MJ hit a buzzer beater.

[Matt McCusker]

That's crazy. I didn't know that either.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Shane Gillis]

Give it a look. It's a common.

[Matt McCusker]

Probably had actually.

[Shane Gillis]

He probably had it comically bad pass.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's insane. I didn't know that. Yeah, I guess they don't. I guess that makes it not as exciting when they show that at the

[Shane Gillis]

end guy hits the spaz for with the title on the line.

[Matt McCusker]

That's one thing I think is unnecessary and pick up basketball. Like you can find the players who like, they get the ball of spaz. I'm like, yeah, they'll. They'll literally toss.

[Shane Gillis]

Throw it here.

[Matt McCusker]

That is. I'll just be like, yo. And I watch a guy like he threw the ball and I was like, ah, that was a dirty place.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you're a.

[Matt McCusker]

Or when someone shoots and you go. You lower your head at them like it up.

[Shane Gillis]

You can't be doing this.

[Matt McCusker]

I was hitting him with. I was hitting him with driveway McCusker

[Shane Gillis]

cousins clapping while they're shooting in their face like that. Playing defense with a hand in their face. Dude, you're a. Yeah. That's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm toning it down. I'm learning. I'm learning how to play because I really just want to run around. That's my thing. I'm like, if I get to run around, you know, if I lose, I'm like, whatever, good game. But I thought the thing is you talk and then you get to like, you get the back and forth and you call an ISO and you get to go one on one against each. It's fun.

[Shane Gillis]

But now, bro, calling ISO is also crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

You don't call it, but you get it.

[Shane Gillis]

You set picks to get a match up and go, oh, here we go. I got this dumb. Who wanted to just work out today. It was like, I'll try basketball.

[Matt McCusker]

I go by myself now is I'm trying to get used to the rims. So I'll run back and forth full court and just practice my fast breaks, my pull ups. It's so nice. I'm trying to get. I'm trying to get. It's double rim. It's hard as hell. Of course I'm trying to get. If I can get my. I'm trying to get, like, my, like, seven to eight footer down. My. Fade away, Step back. I. I run drills by myself.

[Shane Gillis]

I. I know. I feel so bad for the guys in your neighborhood that have to deal with this guy. Every time you show up, they must be like, so you get out of your car with your wraparound Oakley's on.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm getting that sense, honestly.

[Shane Gillis]

Just gotta be like, oh, he's here again.

[Matt McCusker]

And then I'll score, like, four points.

[Shane Gillis]

Four points, 15 fouls, 10 rebounds. You are Draymond.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, they were. I was. When they were booing him, I'm like, you don't deserve that, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

No, Draymond's the. Draymond's the man.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. He plays hard, and he was.

[Shane Gillis]

He was nervous.

[Matt McCusker]

Nervous.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, imagine that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Imagine just out of nowhere.

[Shane Gillis]

And then me and Pete were talking. I was. I, like, walked over them right before we started. I was like, I'm so nervous. Oh. And Draymond was like, oh, thank God you said that. Dude, I'm so nervous. And Pete was like, dude, I'm gonna die.

[Matt McCusker]

That must be such a relief. When you get done, you're set, and all you gotta do is just kind of sit there and be like, all right.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, you'd like this. At the beginning, at the very beginning, the way they introduced me is Black Thought from the roots is like, you guys ready for the roast now? The roundest thing on tires, Shane Gill. And I didn't know that. And I was walking out, like, the Black Thought

[Matt McCusker]

did. No, that wasn't him. I. I know. Yeah, there was someone who was beefing with you. It was. It was not Black Thought.

[Shane Gillis]

No.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought your enemy finally spiked you.

[Shane Gillis]

No, no, no. Me and. Me and my. I know that who you're talking about. We're good.

[Matt McCusker]

That's. Guys, that's nice.

[Shane Gillis]

And Black Thought used to do shows at Punchline Philly.

[Matt McCusker]

Did he really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, I've known him for forever, that's all. When I was in Philly, I would do his shows.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's awesome. He got you.

[Shane Gillis]

I was excited to see him.

[Matt McCusker]

That's nice. You got a little row. That's the. That's the move. You get one roast, introduce out. Yeah, it's kind of nice.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. It's just walking on stage and someone's like, this fucking fat piece of shit.

[Matt McCusker]

All right.

[Shane Gillis]

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Los Angeles. Coolest guy alive just called me fat in front of millions of people. How's everyone doing? Oh, Tom Brady just called me a fat piece of all right, what else is on the docket? Oh, the Rock came out and called me a. Okay,

[Matt McCusker]

cool. I will say, dude. Huh?

[Shane Gillis]

Who's tequila? Whose tequila was better, the rocks or Kevin Hart's? Yeah, now that's a good question. Lameze. I don't know. I don't know which one I had. Yeah, I don't know.

[Matt McCusker]

I've never had Kevin Hart's. I've had Teremana. I've had the rocks. I'm a big tequila guy, but I don't know, you know, who's as nice. I'll be honest. McBrides.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, really?

[Matt McCusker]

I was shocked. I mean, it's like, you know, you just never think when people are like, oh, it's a guy. As a tequila. I tried. I said, God dang.

[Shane Gillis]

I can't really taste the difference.

[Matt McCusker]

I can tell.

[Shane Gillis]

Unless it's, like, bad. Bad. You can go, oh, this is the worst. Yeah, Worst drink I've ever had in my life. What, just bad tequila?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah. I'm gonna hit you with the additives. You go, there's a certain flavor. You go, that's a weird one. But it's. You know, there's a lot of them. It's all good. At the end of the day, put lemon in it and lime, whatever. It's pretty good. But I was shocked. Did you ever see his website? He does, like, skits on his tequila website where he's like, people are getting their legs chopped off while they're feeling the agave.

[Shane Gillis]

Who, McBride? Yeah, I saw the one with him and Stevie. Janelle.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he cuts his leg off.

[Shane Gillis]

That's great.

[Matt McCusker]

I just got it in the mail, like, Christmas time. Like, what the is this? It was good.

[Shane Gillis]

What's it called?

[Matt McCusker]

I think I have it Gato or something.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's right.

[Matt McCusker]

I think it's got to. Yeah, I'm. I'm big on the celebrity. I've. I'll try all of them. I don't know why. I just, like. I like to try them out. Then I don't really drink, so I

[Shane Gillis]

just need to get a celebrity moonshine.

[Matt McCusker]

Celebrity moonshine.

[Shane Gillis]

350 proof kill everyone.

[Matt McCusker]

Just have it complete. Get it made like, like. Like chemically made. In China, you get, like, the fentanyl of alcohol.

[Shane Gillis]

Just get fence, sell it.

[Matt McCusker]

Dudes are drinking it. They're getting abscesses.

[Shane Gillis]

I keep looking for my rens. Dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Ah.

[Shane Gillis]

Last time I was sitting here, they were there. He was still alive. Dude, that birds.

[Matt McCusker]

That bird's hopping around in spirit right now. Just Jump around the house. Poor little guy.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't think the other guys are gonna make it. I saw him. They're just in the backyard now.

[Matt McCusker]

They're popping around.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, he's just jumping into the neighbor's window.

[Matt McCusker]

You got turf too, don't you?

[Shane Gillis]

In my yard.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but they're probably hitting that on

[Shane Gillis]

the other side of the fence.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that's good. How the hell they get over there? Are they flying?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, they can fly. They flew right away.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, they're good. Yeah, if they, if they flew, I think they're, I mean, they're both probably gonna die. Really? I think the survival rate for birds. Yeah, but it's fine. I was thinking about them pecking the turf for worms and just slowly dying of hunger.

[Shane Gillis]

Matt, just like, what is this? I have feed out there. I put a bunch of bird feeds. Oh yeah, I threw in the Y through it. I got bird feed now. My pool's covered in bird.

[Matt McCusker]

I forgot you had them ready. You had them set up.

[Shane Gillis]

Also cardinals are, are they mean they control the bird house.

[Matt McCusker]

Have you been good footage over there?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's just a squirrel that eats everything and then two and a family of cardinals. That's all I got. Then occasionally me or lair walking out towards it, looking at it, just standing.

[Matt McCusker]

Lamar grabbing like a 10 year old sunflower. See?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, Lamar will get in there. I'll catch Lamar at 4 in the morning. Night vision. A squirrel comes up July 17th. I'll be at the Link in Philadelphia. We just released some new tickets, so please, please purchase them. Please come. It's going to be a hoot. There's gonna be a lot of people there.

[Matt McCusker]

I will be in Chicago this very Saturday. I'll be in Toronto as well. And then Chicago this Saturday, May 16, 7:00pm at the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. There's, there's a few tickets left there. You know what's left? Single seats, bunch of single seats dotting in.

[Shane Gillis]

So that's fun. Going to show by yourself is a nice treat.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, come by yourself and you know, body up, you can sit next to someone's girlfriend, probably touch the thigh with your leg.

[Shane Gillis]

So you do it the whole show.

[Matt McCusker]

You can do it the whole show and be like, hey, I'm crammed in here. This guy's a jerk. But yeah, so come to that. That'll be very fun.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Sean Gardini]

Hey guys, it's me, Sean. I'll be in Cincinnati next week. Please come if you can. SeanGardeni.com and Optimum Noctis is next week. As well. So please come.

[Shane Gillis]

What's the date on Optimum Noctis?

[Sean Gardini]

May 19th.

[Shane Gillis]

May 19th.

[Sean Gardini]

Please come to Optimum Noctis on May 19th. Tickets are available at Sean Gardini.com and then I'll be in Charleston in Raleigh too.

[Shane Gillis]

This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Sick of giving all your money to big wireless? Mint Mobile has high speed data, unlimited talk and text on the nation's largest 5G network. And it's 15 bucks a month for the first three months. Like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] drenched upfront payment of 45 for 3 month. 3 month 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to 15 per month new customer offer for the first 3 months only. Full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. This episode is brought to you by ZipRecruiter. Matt, what do your eyes light up at?

[Matt McCusker]

My eyes light up when I think about staffing personnel.

[Shane Gillis]

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

[Matt McCusker]

That's insane.

[Shane Gillis]

You can tell when someone wants to do work they're doing not through resumes, but good old fashioned one on one conversations. It's getting to that point that it's tricky, you know, unless you use ZipRecruiter. Check it out for free at ZipRecruiter.com Secret ZipRecruiter's powerful matching technology will hook you up with qualified candidates for your role. They also just added a new feature that shows you the people that are most interested in your role. People that are chomping at the bit so you can connect with them even faster. Find candidates who really want your job on ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Try it for free at ZipRecruiter.com secret that ZipRecruiter.com secret me your match on ZipRecruiter.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you. Yeah, nice. Thank you guys. But yeah, that sucks that your baby birds died about just one.

[Shane Gillis]

Just one.

[Matt McCusker]

If the other two flew, that's, that's good news. They made it over that fence. That fence is like. That's the ultimate test for a baby bird. That's a big ass fence. So what did you see him learn how to fly or do they start from the ground and like he was

[Shane Gillis]

hopping but he was flying pretty quick.

[Matt McCusker]

That's tight.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's tight. It was just great to see mom and dad jumping around.

[Matt McCusker]

Mom and dad trying to block like

[Shane Gillis]

no, no, no, no, no yeah, chill. Ah, they're hopping around. They looked happy. Yeah, they're hopping there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Oh, they don't know. They had no idea what's going on. Oh, Mom's probably pregnant again right now, I hope.

[Shane Gillis]

Get back in here.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be so tight. Yeah. I wonder how. I wonder how. How often do Ren's, like, churn them out? Is it, like, per season? Because I know rabbits.

[Shane Gillis]

I think it's season.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a season.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Because rabbits will kick out, like, four litters. They. They rock them, man. They're nice.

[Shane Gillis]

I think coyotes are year round, too.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

I think they're, like, non stop.

[Matt McCusker]

That'd be nice.

[Shane Gillis]

What is it?

[Sean Gardini]

Two broods per season?

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, we got another brood.

[Matt McCusker]

You have another brood?

[Sean Gardini]

Yeah, it goes till August. Oh, typically this, bro.

[Shane Gillis]

If they get back pumped, she's out.

[Matt McCusker]

She's probably out there shaking ass right now.

[Shane Gillis]

Don't talk about her like that, dude. They're a couple. They're together.

[Matt McCusker]

She's probably shaking her tail feather right now.

[Shane Gillis]

They're together.

[Matt McCusker]

That's good. If they're together forever. That's nice.

[Unidentified Guest]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Look at the pair bonding data on rents, please.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see if they stay together.

[Matt McCusker]

I was watching a thing yesterday saying that human pair bonding is all up because we can't smell each other. He's like, you're supposed to, like, smell ladies, Bo and see, like, if you're nervous, if your immune systems are, like, compatible, there's another all that you don't want to. You don't smell like immune system.

[Shane Gillis]

No, I. I don't care about that. I don't, like, whoever. Whatever weird freak came up with that. It was like, our pair bonding's up. We should. It's like, I'm tired of everyone being like, you know, we're not designed to actually be doing this. Shut up. Shut the up. I feel like I'm designed to be playing Xbox. I'm obviously designed for it.

[Sean Gardini]

They have very strong pair bonding.

[Matt McCusker]

Cor. Oh, they're together forever. God. Love wins. The end of the day.

[Shane Gillis]

Love wins again.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, I miss the I nasty. Love wins.

[Shane Gillis]

I miss all the people. I'm going to get dms. Me. I'm glad that. Oh, no. That round fat's.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude.

[Shane Gillis]

What? What?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no.

[Shane Gillis]

What is it?

[Sean Gardini]

Guys, Nate found out some bad news.

[Unidentified Guest]

It says most birds do not reuse the same nest for future seasons.

[Shane Gillis]

It's all right. There's a. There's another box right next to it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true. And also.

[Shane Gillis]

And they had a good. That was A good one. Dude, I'm pretty sure you talk about shittiness. They're coming back.

[Unidentified Guest]

Yeah, I like to believe they're coming back.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the penthouse. Although you can. I'm sure you can also recreate what

[Shane Gillis]

the you guys doing to me? What the you guys doing over there?

[Matt McCusker]

It wouldn't be hard to recreate that.

[Shane Gillis]

I. I told my mom about the cardinals.

[Matt McCusker]

What did you say?

[Shane Gillis]

Well, she thinks cardinals represent my dead grandmother.

[Unidentified Guest]

Oh.

[Shane Gillis]

So she's like, oh, that's. That's my mom. I was like, yeah, it's my mom. For some reason, it made me upset. I was like, mom, that's so dumb, but I'd love to make fun of her. I saw a cardinal and I was like, mama, it's in there.

[Matt McCusker]

If I heard one person say that, I'm like, yeah, I know. I know exactly what you're saying.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, it's definitely mama.

[Matt McCusker]

That's really sweet. It is funny. Then you see, you're just bullying birds.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that means my mom's watching. I hope not.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

My mom's not peeking through the glass in here. Just tapping naked for a day. Didn't go outside yesterday.

[Matt McCusker]

I have neighbors behind me now, like, right up against the back. And I'm. Now I'm trying to be more mindful, shutting my. My shutters is. I'll get naked. Or tonight I'm nakey and I just forget lights on naked.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah, dude, you're.

[Matt McCusker]

I just forget because we had nothing back there. Now there's just. And it's just like womb right up against us.

[Shane Gillis]

Some poor kid. I hope not growing up with a freak bull neighbor.

[Matt McCusker]

We used to forget. I. You know, once. Once everyone's asleep, I'm. I'm Hit it. I'm in the birthday suit. I'm in the birthday suit. I'm shaking Tina for my wife.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm like.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm like a male Ren, just hopping around.

[Shane Gillis]

So what do you think of this?

[Matt McCusker]

I'm due, brother. I'm due. I've been. Man, I've been suffering. Really suffering. Yeah, I've been suffering so hard. How bad, bro? I'm waiting. I'm due.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm due.

[Matt McCusker]

I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep the other night. I get to the point where I can't sleep out of horniness. It's just it. I'm. If I go a week. If I'm on a week retention, the seventh, eighth day, I'm gonna lay in bed and just like, my cells are just kind of like, I Can't sleep. It'll just take me significantly longer to fall asleep. And I'm going like this. You're just out cold. You have no idea. I'm over here suffering, dude, and you're just sleeping fitfully.

[Shane Gillis]

You gotta take matters into your own hands at that point.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but then. But then. Well, I will at a certain point. But then you go, this is what I get. I just have to masturbate for the rest of my life because I'm off the nog, too, again. I'm not making a big thing about it. I just am like. I'm like, I don't want it. I don't want it in my life. And then I go, hey, I'm trying not to. Why do you even need to watch that? I go, this is naked tips. It's cool. It's awesome. There's naked tits, and I've saw them when I was like nine. And it's just. You're not. It's just I'm always gonna watch that if you don't touch my penis. So it's a tough combo.

[Shane Gillis]

She said, why do you even watch that?

[Matt McCusker]

I've got a feel of that a bunch of times. Why would you even have to watch that? I go, what do you mean, why? I mean, I don't have to, but, like, you know, why does an engine.

[Shane Gillis]

Speeds up the process.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, why does an engine need grease? You know what I mean? Like, come on.

[Shane Gillis]

We going to lube the wheels a little?

[Matt McCusker]

Exactly. I mean, bro, they're going only.

[Shane Gillis]

You want me to jack off for three hours, or do you want it to be five minutes? You tell me.

[Matt McCusker]

You got. Dude, you got to relieve the tension in the bow, otherwise it breaks.

[Shane Gillis]

Of course. You got a long bow. You got a British longbow.

[Matt McCusker]

I got the crossbow, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I got a stubby hunt. I got a stubby Irish hunting bow.

[Matt McCusker]

I am losing weight. I'm excited to get, like, 001 inches length back.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

It's nice. I'm trying to get down to like 180. Did four miles a day.

[Shane Gillis]

That's sick in the Texas. It blows. I went for a walk yesterday. It was miserable. Yeah, I should have put on sunscreen. I forgot.

[Matt McCusker]

What time did you go?

[Shane Gillis]

One or two.

[Matt McCusker]

That's.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude, that's terrible.

[Matt McCusker]

Absolute heat of the day.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If you. If you catch like a 8am and the sun's just kind of just getting settled. It's so nice.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm not catching that. Catch it now with this schedule.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, true.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm dying, brother.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you Must be tired.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm tired. Must be tired, dude. I had to. We did a show in LA on Wednesday night. After the show, had to fly to Boston to do the Boston show. I left LA at like 11am or 11pm Cross country flight, lose 3 hours. I got in at like 7:30am, went to. I slept from like 8 to 2 maybe, dude. Then had to wake up and go do the Boston Garden, but.

[Matt McCusker]

And thrice as well.

[Shane Gillis]

Right? And then Friday, Saturday, but that was. That was awesome. Boston's like, yeah, that's literally the best.

[Matt McCusker]

But that does sucks.

[Shane Gillis]

And then after the show Saturday, get on a plane and fly back to do the roast that day. And the rose on. On the West Coast. We had to start just. I had to get there at like 9am Ah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So did you. You did a night flight back? Basically, yeah. You must be turd.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm a little tired from that.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. I mean, that's like. That's literally nothing.

[Shane Gillis]

Yesterday. I'm fine.

[Matt McCusker]

It is the stuff of Jakes.

[Shane Gillis]

One day.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Coast to coast is tough.

[Shane Gillis]

Coast to coast is really close to coast and coast.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

California to Boston and a show that day. That sucked.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, that's.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's. It is funny going from like LA and then just hitting like the palest.

[Shane Gillis]

I was so happy to be home. So happy to be back on the east coast, the Northeast, just with ugly, pale guys, my brothers.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's nice, actually.

[Shane Gillis]

Dogs.

[Matt McCusker]

Finally. Boston does rule.

[Shane Gillis]

Boston's maybe the best city.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it is.

[Shane Gillis]

It's up there.

[Matt McCusker]

It's really nice. Anytime you put out a bunch of shows, Boston always is like, sells out.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So fast, so weird. It's like, it's. They're literally just. Are the bros there?

[Shane Gillis]

That was my last arena.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

For what?

[Shane Gillis]

For the. For that arena tour.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. The only thing I have left is the link, dude. It's time to focus on a link.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man.

[Shane Gillis]

Told you.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened to me. I got it. Yeah. I got high. The other like, I got high off a gun. Thought about it, thought about it. I. Full body panic attack. I was like, that's so many people. And I just. For real, full body. Just like.

[Shane Gillis]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

Doesn't even make sense.

[Shane Gillis]

You're entering my room.

[Matt McCusker]

Nothing makes sense.

[Shane Gillis]

You're entering what I've been doing for three straight years. Every day, every day you wake up

[Matt McCusker]

and go, holy, it doesn't make sense.

[Shane Gillis]

And they go, you know what? Fine, I'll check the Internet and go, him. All right. All my thoughts were right. I am a Terrible person.

[Matt McCusker]

It is funny that that's like. It really is. It's like the. The part of yourself that's like looking out and judging the world just gets like, scraped through all of the same part of other people's just like to all that's left, either you become calcified and nastier, or you just let all the nasties go and you're not even. Can't be nasty anymore.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't be worried about the nasties.

[Matt McCusker]

Can't be worried. That's why it also makes sense too. Like when you're. When I was younger and I'd watch like famous actors talk about anything, I'm like, this guy's a freak. But then it's like, oh, this guy, since he's been 12, has been like, just berated by newspapers. And that's why they get in there and they're like, it's all about the work and about your energy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what happens after that.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. Says, but that would be the end of our careers.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

If we became a weird.

[Matt McCusker]

Leather bracelets. Leather bracelets.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll get some leather bracelets.

[Matt McCusker]

You need to get them and be like, it's all about the good internal to the activity. It's. Aristotle said that. It's about the. The vibes. Obviously. You're like, this guy's a fruit. And you're like, dude, I've just.

[Shane Gillis]

I would break one day though, in the middle of an interview. Be like, yeah, that guy is a fruit. I hate that guy.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I'm back. No, no, I gotta meet him now. You know what?

[Shane Gillis]

I am allowed to say whatever I want. Hey, if I think it's funny, I'll say it. The middle of like a kids cartoon show I'm doing. I'm voicing a dog on a. You know what?

[Matt McCusker]

It. True. Yeah, we shall see. I mean, it'll. It was the buzz, it was the talk of the town.

[Shane Gillis]

But some people have to face their eye nasties.

[Matt McCusker]

You do. You do. And it's coming where you tell me.

[Shane Gillis]

Somebody had to face their eye nasties.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, People. Everyone's facing them. People are dying by the eye nasty. Because it will rocket you. It'll get rocket fuel.

[Shane Gillis]

You can be as nasty as you

[Matt McCusker]

want, It'll rocket you. But also too, you're gathering the nasties and they're going to. As soon as anything even decent happens for you, which is. Best case scenario, the nasties will turn.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They'll go. Yep. Ah, no, please, please.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Liquid death. Sponsorship. It's all working out.

[Shane Gillis]

Please when the thing you dreamed of happening happens and all you can think about is the nasties. This I put out in the world seven years ago.

[Matt McCusker]

No, don't even remember it.

[Shane Gillis]

I just pray no one remember.

[Matt McCusker]

Yep, yep, yep. It happens. But hey, man, again, all we can do is work hard and get leather bracelets.

[Shane Gillis]

That plant's blocking my balls still, right?

[Matt McCusker]

All right, perfect.

[Shane Gillis]

Keep an eye on that.

[Matt McCusker]

True. We should get one prod. Just eye on the balls the entire time. Yeah, that'd be nice. You got your eye on it.

[Shane Gillis]

I'll keep my eyes. Just so you know, I occasionally I glance at yours as well. I. I'm glad you found a bigger pair of shorts for once.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God.

[Shane Gillis]

Normally he's wearing a Speedo. It's disgusting.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, he's. He's got the rottweiler turd just folded over.

[Shane Gillis]

It really is. It's like a Dalmatian era, like a little tail of head dog.

[Matt McCusker]

The dog just got in some paper towels. Did you do that? Just looks like Gardeni's dog's tail just completely folded.

[Shane Gillis]

You should have seen Nate's soft ass dog. I seen it came over. We had a couple. Yeah, you saw him. Were you here when he was.

[Matt McCusker]

When he got tough? I saw him get tough at the

[Shane Gillis]

end of the day. Oh, that was nice though.

[Matt McCusker]

The pit breeze get a little. They can get like a little sundowners at like night time. They're in like a, like a weird place. They get like kind of like whacked out. I've seen that before.

[Shane Gillis]

Butter dog was being very funny.

[Unidentified Guest]

He wasn't going through nothing. He's the softest.

[Shane Gillis]

It's.

[Unidentified Guest]

I'm ashamed of how soft he is.

[Matt McCusker]

Sweet dog.

[Shane Gillis]

It's funny. I could tell how ashamed Nate was, so I kept being like, man, yeah, zesty dog. The dog was being perfect. It was a great dog.

[Matt McCusker]

You should let him be gay with Jackson.

[Unidentified Guest]

He would 100 be gay.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, dude. Jackson will get. Jackson is blind, but he'll still be gay. If he can like find a dog's dick. He's all over.

[Shane Gillis]

Jackson is a blind.

[Matt McCusker]

Located another dog's dick and just be like. He would for real molest your dog.

[Unidentified Guest]

My dog would just lay there and take it.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what Jackson used to do.

[Unidentified Guest]

Don't put twink on him. Don't put twinkle my dog. He's at least a bear.

[Shane Gillis]

He's definitely not bear. He's a cub. He's a pretty small.

[Matt McCusker]

Jackson's old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he still has his appetites.

[Shane Gillis]

Can't teach him new tricks.

[Matt McCusker]

No, that's all right. It's better than.

[Unidentified Guest]

It's better than alternative. He could be the worst dog.

[Matt McCusker]

He's a sweet dog. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Unidentified Guest]

But I wish he would do a little something. He don't even bark. He doesn't bark.

[Matt McCusker]

Doesn't bark. Bree doesn't bark.

[Shane Gillis]

He doesn't bark.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they don't. He's. What kind of. What is he.

[Unidentified Guest]

I think he's just full pit.

[Matt McCusker]

He looks, like a little staffy a bit.

[Unidentified Guest]

He might. I just got him from the shelter. Yeah, they just had pit.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, they don't. They don't bark. I have a staffie. Same thing. They. They'll go, like.

[Unidentified Guest]

All he does is whine.

[Shane Gillis]

He hits a. Yeah. He goes, yeah, yeah. The whole time has just gone. It's a weird bark.

[Matt McCusker]

The mailman comes. He goes, me. His eyes cross. Oh. Oh, dude, we even talk about the. Who was the guy? The Indian dude who claimed the white boss lady dominated him sexually? Yeah, that just came and went, man. That's. Dude, I got to give it to that guy.

[Shane Gillis]

We talked about it on Rogan. Did you and I. It was like, the day it came out, and they read the quote, and I was like, this reads like an Indian guy. I don't think she said that. That is a horny Indian guy.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you call bazookas?

[Shane Gillis]

Cannons.

[Matt McCusker]

Cannons. Cannons.

[Shane Gillis]

Cannons is sick. But what did he call his own wife? A fish head Asian wife. That's the. That's the hardest part about getting caught in this.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. Wait, why'd you call me. Why'd you call me a fish head with tiny cannons?

[Shane Gillis]

Why did you make that up? Like, the boss was like, yeah, I know, but he's the one who wrote it. Wrote it. Oh, so he wrote like, yeah. What does your fish head Asian wife think about this or that? Turns out he wrote it.

[Matt McCusker]

It was for sure.

[Shane Gillis]

I believe it was fake.

[Matt McCusker]

Or. Or does that have everyone in the office so racistly domed that they're like, yes, yes, mistress. We will. We will defeat the rumor. I got, like, semi when I read

[Shane Gillis]

no one's mad about a thick racist Dom. No, dude, that lady was hot.

[Matt McCusker]

Picture, dude.

[Shane Gillis]

I think that had. Was that AI? Because that picture real, dude, she.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, she could have fully bimbofied me. You know that guy who got caught with the balloons? If I worked for that lady, I'd have the balloons and spandex on and be like, I'm your little bimbo.

[Shane Gillis]

Wait, where.

[Matt McCusker]

Where did you.

[Shane Gillis]

She wear JP Morgan or yeah, also sl.

[Matt McCusker]

What a weird leg up for that lady professionally to just dodge that bullet. And now it's like you're in a little interview with some old guy and he's like, yeah, guy was saying. You're saying, you know, what were you saying to that guy?

[Shane Gillis]

He's just, I'm gonna see the picture of her, I don't know, standing on the desk, racially dominating some poor Indian man. Oh, there it is.

[Matt McCusker]

Why would they take this picture? Let me see, let me see. It's so hot. Yo, that's like LinkedIn Edge. They definitely will do that at LinkedIn.

[Shane Gillis]

Is that real?

[Matt McCusker]

I think so. That's girl. But, dude, girl bosses get wild. Like a corporate girl boss. That's like. That's their Instagram. That's. You forgot to break through the glass ceiling somehow. Dude, get on the glass. Shadow that thing. Dude, I'm mad. I mean, dude, he was claiming forced blowjobs. He was claiming. It's like, bro, stop it. That's so horny to leave a job.

[Shane Gillis]

Like, I'm gonna sue this place and be like, yeah. Also, I'm the fucking man. The reason I got fired is because I kept getting my dick sucked by the hot lady at work. You feel bad for him or her

[Matt McCusker]

also, why would he do that, though? Why would he make that up?

[Shane Gillis]

You try to get the bag.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. He wanted to get 10 mil from him

[Sean Gardini]

again, kind of similar to Big J's joke. It's like, that's not that much if you're asking JP Morgan for 10.

[Matt McCusker]

I know, but it's like, you want to hit that minimum threshold of, like, what will they just settle. Be like, yeah, you don't even want this.

[Sean Gardini]

It's not worth it. Give him 10 minutes.

[Matt McCusker]

He should have went for, like, a guy and like, the guy was sucking my dick and holding me. That would have.

[Shane Gillis]

His last name is hajj. Deeni. You're the Hajj.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude that. Yeah, that was like. Because it was so unbelievable to be like, hold on. And also, it was like, you. You just can't catch any sympathy because my boss would blow me and say really cool stuff to me. It's like, dude, nobody's going to believe that. Like, okay, dude, so you got. You got five. Okay. One. You were nervous and got a force blow job. Still is like, there's a. There's no such thing. It's not a forced.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah, you can take a step back.

[Matt McCusker]

You could easily take it. But she was like, I'll.

[Shane Gillis]

In my case, you can Take a slight lean back.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude. Also, the most unbelievable thing for your boss to be like, if you don't let me blow you, I'll fire you. It's like, that has never happened ever. Just your chick boss being like, okay,

[Shane Gillis]

gotta toss that chick boss in there.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm sure there's a couple fellow bosses that like, I'm gonna suck your dick.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, fire for sure. 100.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. That's how the industry boss of Nickelodeon. That's how you're the CEO of Nickelodeon. You go, I'm gotta blow these kids or you're fired.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. You're telling me there's a girl boss just like, week three of her menstrual cycle being like, I'm gonna blow this guy. If he doesn't let me, he's ruined. I will not endorse his skills on LinkedIn if he doesn't. Jam is dong in my mouth. But I saw it and I was like, what the is this? And, like, instantly it was like, yeah, that guy made that up.

[Shane Gillis]

Especially fish head as a slur for an Asian. Yeah. That sounds like a very. It's a colloquialism from India, I believe.

[Matt McCusker]

Is it really?

[Shane Gillis]

Must be. I would have heard it. That sounds like a foreign insult.

[Matt McCusker]

He said, hasn't crossed the pond.

[Shane Gillis]

That insult hasn't been here. Although it is an invasive species. Because I'm taking that one.

[Matt McCusker]

I've actually. I have heard it before.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That was. That's like an old, old, old school guy.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

So that's an old, old, old one. That's why I was like, what the hell? Cannons?

[Shane Gillis]

Where is she from?

[Matt McCusker]

It'd be funny, too, if he was like. If he played the audio and it was just his accent, like, you don't have cannons like my wife. Your cannons are small and shameful, dude. Speaking of small cannons, I was listening to Shakira recently because the zoo, it

[Shane Gillis]

reminded me what you were about to say reminded me of. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Really? Yes. Dude. What the. You know that, too.

[Shane Gillis]

That's like the best song.

[Matt McCusker]

It's amazing. I didn't know that she said yes. She's. They're not like mountains. They're small and humble.

[Shane Gillis]

And I was like, she's humble. Mounds.

[Matt McCusker]

Just humble. I was like, damn. I never even thought about that.

[Shane Gillis]

She has humble breasts, but.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but her hips don't lie. They're not even lying. I never heard to be like, yeah, you know how those big, fat, mountainous titties. Mine are small and just humble.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like, that's because that was probably originally written in Spanish. And then they, like, you know, just cross it over to English. And you're like, is that a thing? Chick with their humble tits. Narcissistic. Big, fat, narcissistic titties. You're like,

[Shane Gillis]

how come we can't do that?

[Matt McCusker]

That's. Dude, the fact that I didn't lucky

[Shane Gillis]

that my dick is small and humble,

[Matt McCusker]

not standing like a mountain. Yeah, that's because I was like, zootopia. The Zootopia soundtracks is all Shakira. She kind of. She does kind of kill it on those soundtracks. She doesn't get enough cred. But I was introducing Maya. I'm like, yeah, she has, like, a lot of other songs. And, like, I was listening to it, I heard the boobs, humble mountain tits. And I was like, what the. And I. Now during that song, I just go,

[Shane Gillis]

yeah, you got it. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I gotta cover up here. The line about humble, humble, small.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. You want your kids taking that to school?

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, because they remember every little. Yeah, yeah. And you're just like, yeah, all right. Don't. Don't. Don't do that.

[Shane Gillis]

I just re. Watched little kids singing to Lil Nas X. It's like my favorite. It's the best. It's one of the best videos ever. He does a school assembly. Oh, yeah. He sings Old Town Road. Just watching the kids hit every lyric. And then there's a part about, like, boobies. They hit that one hard. Oh, it's so screaming.

[Matt McCusker]

That's so funny. Would you say Lil Nas X started the, like, rap, R B, country crossover?

[Shane Gillis]

I don't know. Maybe.

[Matt McCusker]

I feel like he really. I. I feel like he kicked it off. Flo. Georgia was that.

[Shane Gillis]

They had Nelly. They did a song with Nelly.

[Matt McCusker]

When was that?

[Shane Gillis]

A long time ago.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I remember that. Yeah.

[Unidentified Guest]

Olson did.

[Matt McCusker]

So that was. Okay, so that was back in the day. But then I feel. Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

With Billy Ray Cyrus. Yeah, but he did Old Town Road too. He did Billy Ray's all over it. Yeah, that's pretty Rock was an early innovator.

[Matt McCusker]

He was. He. He had that song with Cheryl Crow that actually. Certified.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Picture.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Song's awesome. That's one song you catch on the radio. It's like that Goo Goo Dolls or whatever.

[Shane Gillis]

And you're like, yeah, Goo Dolls does rule.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you see the Spirit Airlines? Speaking of the Goo Doll song, when they do, like, remember, the whole thing's like, what was I like in the 90s? And they play the Goo Doll song. This. What Was Spirit Airlines, like, in the 90s and 2000s. And it. Dude, it's just. You see the thing of a guy taking the luggage and throwing it off. There's, like, the conveyor belt and he just throws it. He's like 20ft up. He just goes. It's just people fighting, people throwing luggage.

[Shane Gillis]

It's.

[Matt McCusker]

It's pretty funny.

[Shane Gillis]

The Goo Goo Doll song gives me anxiety because I did one of the lamest things I've ever done. What it was. I remember when that song came out, if it came on the radio, I would take out my yearbook and look at the girl I liked. I was in third grade. I was in third grade, laying on the floor, laying on the floor, like, dude, that's. I didn't even like her that much. I just would be in my room pretending to be in love. Freak.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, no one can blame. No. That song is so powerful.

[Shane Gillis]

It was too powerful.

[Matt McCusker]

Goo Goo Doll songs.

[Shane Gillis]

Because I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand. I'd literally lay on the floor like, she's so beautiful. My dad would not. What the you doing in there?

[Matt McCusker]

Not that.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm getting ready for football. I'm not looking dead. Oh, man. I've admitted that.

[Matt McCusker]

Let's do that. That song used to me up. If I'd be driving, I'd instantly just be like, oh, my God, I have so much love.

[Shane Gillis]

I mean, so. I'm so in love with you. I don't want the world to even see me.

[Matt McCusker]

Dudes were powerless.

[Shane Gillis]

Dude. The Goo Goo Dolls.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know what kind of evil magic they did.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Even. Obviously, the strongest guys like us, the most mass dudes.

[Shane Gillis]

Most mass dudes became certified lover boys.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. So misunderstood.

[Shane Gillis]

No one understands my love for you in school. Next I'd be like, hey, how are you? You ever think about kissing? I wouldn't.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, man, that was the best in grade school. And, like. Because also, like, girls would just, like, set up things too. They'd be like, you know, you're her girl. Your boyfriend, right? And you'd be like, what? You have, like, hold hands for minutes in recess and be like, holy. You're like, third grade. Like, I have a girlfriend right now.

[Shane Gillis]

This is crazy. And then two days later, friends.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Two days later, they go, she's done. You guys have to break up now. You go home, you go,

[Matt McCusker]

the.

[Shane Gillis]

Was that why you do that?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It literally happened to me. I remember they, like, tied our jackets together in the recess yard. We just like, stood there like this. And then like, two days later, like. Like, she's breaking up with you.

[Shane Gillis]

And I was like, okay.

[Matt McCusker]

And I said something really mean about her and I got in trouble.

[Shane Gillis]

I don't care. She's flat. Yeah, she's flat. I think I give a.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, that is crazy that, like, you're in school as a kid and then the year, like, tits just come online and you're just got. You like you're expected to still do school. It's insane.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, it's nuts. I remember when tits came online and I was just kind of like,

[Shane Gillis]

yeah, tits were crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

What the, dude? Yeah, it's crazy. It was nuts. It's a lot.

[Shane Gillis]

It's. It is. It's a lot of doubt.

[Matt McCusker]

We're a young guy.

[Shane Gillis]

And then everyone just calls the girl who got tits a. Everyone is like, yeah, she's a slot, dude. She's huge tits. Everyone.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Shane Gillis]

Even the teachers up. Yeah, whatever. Can't believe this girl got boobs first. She must have had sex with everyone.

[Matt McCusker]

As soon as school let out this summer, we all got mega laid. The chick with the big tits, that's the best move I. Again, I've. That's the one thing I've never, never lied. And it's like, I regret it. I didn't know you could just do that. But, yeah, her. Yeah, we just keep moving.

[Shane Gillis]

Yeah. I had a boy who hit the funniest lie ever. He said he did he girl. We asked her, she was like, no. Like, why'd you say titty, dude, you could have said anything. Yeah, we diddy.

[Matt McCusker]

They need to be liars who need to be studied.

[Shane Gillis]

Lying is hilarious. It's not even something you need to study. You know exactly where it comes. You don't think I want a lot? Dude, we all want to. We all want your boys to be like, damn, you're cool. Everybody wants to that. You just can't.

[Matt McCusker]

I know.

[Shane Gillis]

It's so funny just to be like a lunch table. Be like, I'm doing it.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm.

[Shane Gillis]

I'm about to pussy that right now. Okay, here we go. Yeah, I titty her.

[Matt McCusker]

That girl we've all liked for three years. Yeah, bro, I did he her at the party when. Yeah, it was just the other weekend

[Shane Gillis]

at the party when we were all there. I went outside, I thought he her behind the house next to an H VAC unit on the side of the house.

[Matt McCusker]

She's actually never seen someone as big as me. It's so funny.

[Shane Gillis]

She's in the room at the lunch table, you go, hold on. Is that true?

[Matt McCusker]

No. It's also funny just to be a seventh grade girl and just be like, what the. This guy didn't titty me. I'd be so mad. I'd be so mad. Someone claimed, I'll just live in my. Just live in my day, just chilling, living my life. And someone's just like, yeah, that guy titty you behind the. Behind the recycling bin at the Rudlowski's house.

[Shane Gillis]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

All right, we did it.

[Shane Gillis]

Let's switch over to the Patreon. God bless.

[Matt McCusker]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret podcast on Spotify. Do. You.