Ep 619 - Plus-Sized Problems (feat. Nate Marshall & Lemaire Lee)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast

Episode 619: "Plus-Sized Problems" (feat. Nate Marshall & Lemaire Lee)

Release Date: June 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast delivers a freewheeling mix of absurd comedy, cultural commentary, and banter between hosts Matt McCusker and Shane Gillis, with guests Nate Marshall and Lemaire Lee. The main theme is a recent real-world controversy surrounding a body positivity community called “Paradise,” which spins into riffs about plus-sized culture, true crime, masculinity, and all manner of ridiculous tangents. As always, the group leans into playful irreverence, tangential storytelling, and discussions that ping-pong between pop culture, personal anecdotes, and social commentary.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “Paradise” Plus-Sized Scandal

• Paradise Origin: Matt brings up a news story about "Paradise," an online body-positive group for plus-sized women in Las Vegas, that devolved into allegations of manipulation and misconduct.
  • “This guy… had a plus-sized appreciator community and he called it ‘paradise.’ Like pear-shaped paradise. But apparently all wasn’t well in paradise.” – Matt (00:24)
• Comedic Riffing: The guys riff on the logistics of a pool filled with plus-sized women, carrying them, and the possibility of a reality show spin-off (“Pogadise” and “Heavyweights” for BBWs).
• True Crime Doc Angle: They muse on the media’s role in exposing these “villain” stories and joke about the ABC documentary titled "Big Girls Wanted: Escaping Paradise".
• The Website & Allegations: Sean reads verbatim from the Paradise site’s “allegations” page; the panel mocks the earnestness of a website navigation button for “allegations.”
  • “So it’s like, About us, Contact, Allegations of Sexual… Not a good sign.” – Matt (11:43)

Notable Quote

"You come up with Paradise, you go with Paradise." – Matt (01:22)

Timestamps

• [00:24] – Introduction to Paradise and its controversy
• [04:01] – Details from the official website and documentary
• [11:19] – The group reads through the public denial and allegations page on the Paradise website

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2. Physical Comedy and Masculinity

• Carrying Plus-Sized Women: The guys discuss viral trends of men lifting their partners, and the male ego around strength and body image.
  • “You can’t grunt, you gotta throw all your bodybuilding training out the window…like you’re just lifting air.” – Matt (02:06)
• Fitness & Fat Loss: Matt shares his relentless fitness challenge (burning calories for a month), and the crew laments how difficult it is to lose fat compared to the effort required, especially after 40.
  • “I’ve burned 11,000 calories in nine days... It’s so hard to get rid of fat.” – Matt (14:13)

Timestamps

• [01:53] – “Chicken fights” and lifting pogs (fat-bottomed girls)
• [13:48] – Weight loss challenge among friends

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3. Social Media & Accusations

• The group identifies TikToker “Piggy Stardust” as the central accuser in the Paradise scandal. They riff on her bio, Ozempic use, and the politics of body positivity online.
  • “She’s on Ozempic now…That’s why she’s about to get kicked out the club and turns on ‘em.” – Matt/La Bear (15:55)
• Discussion of True Crime Media:
  • “You gotta get a true crime podcast. You got a good true crime voice.” – Matt (13:31)

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4. Late-Night TV, Ratings & Byron Allen

• Industry Insiders: The hosts take a turn analyzing the shakeup in late-night TV, including Colbert losing his spot, Byron Allen’s purchase of the Weather Channel, and Jimmy Fallon’s ratings woes.
  • “I had no idea the viewership was still rocking that hard.” – Matt (22:59)
• Media Evolution: The group mocks how hard it is to actually watch traditional TV, and wonders if late-night should pivot to something new (like podcasts or “Most Extreme Challenge”).

Timestamps

• [18:19] – Byron Allen and Weather Channel ownership
• [21:45–25:25] – Comparing Colbert, Fallon, and Gutfeld’s ratings

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5. Fitness & Life Insurance

• Midlife Body Angst: Matt discusses the motivation to get fit before a life insurance medical screening, including working towards freakish treadmill feats.

  • “I want to do one of those tests from the doctor...put on the mask and just go nuts, man.” – Matt (40:12)

• Insurance as a Scam: The group riffs on the “death business” and hoops you must jump through for life insurance, with jokes about being “insurance dominated” and the risk of being killed for the payout.

  • “If I just die, it’s a huge bag for the whole family. Don’t talk like that.” – Matt (46:23)

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6. Dreams, Relationships, and Gender

• Spousal Farts & Dreams: The guys swap embarrassing stories about farting in bed, dreams, and how men and women process (and share) dreams at night.
  • “I don’t like girl farts. I almost want to see if we can come up with a drug to stop women from dreaming.” – Matt (56:18)
• Holding in Farts During Sex: Hilarious confessions about managing bodily functions in intimate moments.
  • “Thank God I didn’t fart while I was coming.” – Matt (64:08)

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7. Fashion & Social Commentary

• Spandex & Hooker Technology: The crew critiques modern women’s fashion (spandex, visible butts, “pre-wedgie leggings”) and the shifting boundaries of public decency.
  • “Everyone’s dressing like prostitutes used to dress.” – Matt (75:35)
• Baggy Jeans & Rotating Trends: They remember JNCOs, long tees, and current baggy fashions, with some nostalgia and terror at style cycles.

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8. Wild Stories & YouTube Tangents

• Viral Videos: Recaps of Midwest Safety (YouTube channel) arrest videos, often featuring racist or outlandish characters.
• True Crime Riffs: Imaginary stories about being chained up, Dominator/sub dynamics, and analyzing crime scenes for “context element.”

Timestamps

• [66:31–68:31] – Midwest Safety and “Mom!” police arrests
• [71:06–73:47] – Chaining up a partner and the sloth of “subspace”

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9. Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “King of the Fats”: Matt and the crew bestow the dubious title to Paradise’s founder.
• “My wife is cool with it – I’m being body positive!” – Matt, role-playing as a fat-life fitness leader (08:11)
• “Can't grunt. Gotta act like you’re just lifting air.” – Matt, on male pride in picking up women (02:06)
• “We're all waiting to see if the robots really take our livelihoods... and see what happens with the war.” – Matt, tongue-in-cheek philosophical closer (79:20)

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Episode Flow

• [00:00–06:45] – Paradise intro: What is it, what went wrong, and pool ruminations on fat babes
• [06:45–13:41] – Documentary details, website surfing, body positivity wordplay
• [13:41–18:24] – Allegations, true crime, TikTok, “Piggy Stardust”, Ozempic, online policing
• [18:24–27:32] – Media/TV shakeups, Colbert, Byron Allen, ratings debates
• [27:32–38:44] – Fitness, Presidential Challenge, field day failures, joke competitions
• [38:44–43:00] – Life insurance medicals, bodily anxieties, insurance scams
• [43:00–53:17] – Extended insurance talk, scam warnings, dream analysis, sex/fart stories
• [53:20–66:31] – Midwest Safety, viral police, and true crime riffs
• [66:31–79:20] – Relationship subtext, chain-up absurdity, fashion talk, generational style swings, sleep dread, cultural evolution
• [79:20–end] – War/robotic anxieties, sign-off riffing, commercials and wrap

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Tone & Style

Irreverent, quick-witted, absurdist, and unapologetically masculine: The conversation is raw but rarely mean, with the guys finding the innate comedy in everything from body image to late-night TV. They balance pop culture commentary with self-deprecation, genuine curiosity, and relentless one-upmanship.

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For New Listeners

This episode covers:

• A real (and surreal) plus-sized community scandal
• Fitness, masculine pride, and aging
• Media shifts in late-night TV
• Riffs on relationships, bodily embarrassments, and absurd sleep rituals
• Observational humor on shifting cultural and fashion norms

If you like punchy banter, unpredictable detours, and a blend of the juvenile and the culturally astute, this episode is a prime example of the show’s unique appeal.

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Notable Quotes (by Timestamp)

• "You come up with Paradise, you go with Paradise." — Matt, (01:22)
• “My paradise would be spelled with ‘pog’ first. Pogadise.” — La Bear, (01:34)
• “You can’t grunt, you can’t — you gotta act like you’re just lifting air.” — Matt, (02:06)
• "If you start a community just for plus-sized babes in bikinis, eventually, you know Trouble in Paradise is coming." — Matt, (03:18)
• “So it’s like, About Us, Contact, Allegations of Sexual—Not a good sign.” — Matt, (11:43)
• "She’s on Ozempic now… That’s why she’s about to get kicked out the club and turns on ‘em.” — Matt/La Bear, (15:55)
• "Everyone's dressing like prostitutes used to dress." — Matt, (75:35)
• "All we can do is plot along on this thing called life and rip Sheen." — Matt, (78:57)

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Important Timestamps

• [00:24] – Paradise plus-size community story begins
• [04:01] – Documentary/website discussed
• [11:19] – Website’s “allegations” section read
• [14:13] – Matt's calorie-burning challenge details
• [22:31] – Colbert’s nightly viewership discussed
• [38:44] – Life insurance and medical testing
• [64:08] – Sex, farts, and body comedy
• [75:35] – Fashion, spandex, and “hooker technology”

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In summary:
The episode provides a whirlwind of body-positive scandals, male vulnerability, viral culture, insurance anxieties, competitive instinct, late-night nostalgia, and the usual blend of gut-level honesty and goofiness that defines Matt & Shane's Secret Podcast.

Transcript

[Matt McCusker]

The wild, wild west.

[La Bear]

Yeah. Can we give you some more air in here?

[Matt McCusker]

You want some ac? I want to see you sweat. I want to see you sweat. Oh, just kicked on. Just kicked off. Hell yeah. Just kicked off.

[La Bear]

It kicks on every. I'm guessing. If I had to guess, I'm guessing the temperature set at 75. No, I keep it.

[Matt McCusker]

I keep it a little at 74. I think I keep it a little high. Very good guess. I keep a little warm for the plants. I have plants.

[La Bear]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't want them getting chilly and frio in here. Dude, I saw. I just saw a thing. I don't know. I don't think it'll. It'll break into mainstream news, but apparently this guy was. He had like a plus size appreciator community and he called it paradise. Like pear. Pear shaped paradise.

[Sean]

Love it.

[Matt McCusker]

But apparently all wasn't well in Paradise. Apparently he was getting a little handsy, so he had set up this, like, community where plus sized women could just be comfortable and chilling poles in their bikinis. And I think he was getting a little handsy. I feel like there's been trouble in paradise.

[Nate]

I feel like that's what they signed up for paradise for you go to. Well, he.

[Matt McCusker]

It was his paradise. Oh, just him and babes, I think. I. I don't know. I just. I saw a second and I just thought it was so funny that he had started paradise and then the starter of paradise, allegedly, it's coming out that he might have been engaging in some unsavory practices.

[Nate]

Oh, he definitely might get my gut.

[Matt McCusker]

You come up with paradise, you go with paradise.

[La Bear]

By paradise.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I mean he was king of the fats. Yeah, he was king of the fats. He set it up where he was like, yeah, I think it's important we all.

[La Bear]

My paradise would be spelled with pog first. Pogadice.

[Matt McCusker]

But imagine if you. Imagine if you were the God of pogadice, how long could you keep that chill of like. I just think it's really great that you guys all came out here and you're feeling. Then you get in the pool.

[La Bear]

The pool is my drool.

[Nate]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

Just you doing chicken fights against pogs. Although you'd have to build the quads up, dude.

[La Bear]

Yeah, I can't.

[Matt McCusker]

You can't let a pog feel you go at all.

[La Bear]

They would never do.

[Matt McCusker]

You can't struggle and you can't. Dude, it's. Have you ever. Have you ever, like, had a chick be like, pick me up. And you pick him up and go, never Once you can't grunt, you can't. You got to throw all your bodybuilding training out the window and just be like, you gotta act like you're just like lifting air.

[La Bear]

Full ground squat. You gotta go.

[Nate]

When a lady asks me to pick them up, I go, no, no,

[Sean]

Planet Fitness, you need the lunk alarm. When you pick up a big lady.

[Matt McCusker]

You cannot lunk, dude. Well, the problem is babes watch all these viral challenges. We're like, look, he picked up his whole family with one arm and it's like, dude, get the out of here with that.

[La Bear]

I was gonna bring up that. You saw that new challenge?

[Matt McCusker]

I've seen all of them, dude.

[Nate]

Seen a guy just carrying a lady, like up steep st. Yeah, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

There's a lot of challenges, a lot of lady carrying challenges. My thing is like, ladies, chill. You don't want it. You don't want the truth. You don't want to hear your guy go off the steps. Dude, we threw my back out. They're not going to feel good after that mcl.

[Nate]

Yeah, your knee goes while you're like. You power through but your knee just goes.

[Matt McCusker]

That's how you get trouble in Paradise. Once you start being like, can you carry me up the steps? Be like, we haven't bit the apple, we're good, we're chill. Put on the leather weightlifting belt. Put on my knee braces. Chalk my hands.

[Nate]

Yeah, I would love to know what the starting level of the pool at paradise was before the babes got in. And it just.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh no, it's like a, it's like a glass with ice cubes in it. Let's get the, let's get the rundown on pair dice.

[La Bear]

What do you see, Sean?

[Matt McCusker]

I mean I was deep in the news trying to find, to talk about. I was like, I'm almost positive nobody knows about Paradise. Oh, here we go. Paradise is an online body positive. I can also produce and podcast. Paradise is an online body positive community for plus size women that devolved into severe allegations of manipulation, exploitation and coercive dynamics. Centered in Las Vegas. Run by creator Stefan Wilhelmy, the group is subject of the television documentary Big Girls Wanted escaping Paradise.

[Nate]

Well, that's got to go on my list.

[La Bear]

I think that's on Netflix.

[Nate]

Big Girls want it.

[Sean]

It looks like it's an abc.

[Matt McCusker]

Abc, bro. It's an ABC doc.

[La Bear]

Sydney plus.

[Nate]

That's gonna be real matter of fact.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, I mean, you know these, these networks, if you boil it down to dollars, like, you know these like tell all investigative journalism documentaries were like, here's a villain. And here's like how it worked out. There's teams looking for these things. So that's on hbo, Max.

[La Bear]

Hell yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

That's gonna be a good. Escaping paradise is going to be a good one. Yeah. Especially if you have a BBW yourself. You go, I can't believe it mistreated them.

[Nate]

I would never be.

[Matt McCusker]

I would never. If I got entrusted with all these plus size angels. Although it is, it is funny you're saying it would be like when you put a lot of ice cubes in a glass and it just like

[Nate]

also

[Matt McCusker]

imagine getting the wave pool going in the pool. You get the fucking. You guys, you got the, you got the raft. You start getting the waves, all your beautiful pairs of just bouncing around.

[Nate]

You just stand on the side.

[Matt McCusker]

My thing is like what? I want to know what happened. Yeah, I want to know what happened, dude. Like what happened in paradise anymore? I mean, dude, I saw the, like the clips and it is just. It's big babes and bikinis in the pool.

[Nate]

Like, I don't know. I don't want to talk.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't. Huge babes. They're hefty babes. Yeah. That's the thing too. Let me see if I can find dude there. I. I just saw a little bit obese babes.

[Nate]

Two big giant babes laying next to each other tanning. Like, think of how nice it would feel to just lay across both of

[Matt McCusker]

them like a dog babe. I'm talking purely t tactile. Imagine the pool. There's, I don't know, nine plus sized babes.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Two of them kind of sandwich you for just a second. You, you'd be. That's like a Frankenstein machine. You'd be like, I need to get back in between whatever that space was I was in. I need to get back in there. Just the feel of being like, oh my God. Yeah.

[Nate]

I'm surrounded by baby.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like a whole body orgasm. You just get completely squished and fat. I. I don't know.

[La Bear]

I'm surrounded by jelly. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you say? Is it bad? I don't know.

[Sean]

Well, I don't want to be rude, so. But the, the babes in paradise. I think pear is sort of a pear shaped kind term. They're more like kumquats or.

[Matt McCusker]

Kumquats are tiny. Oh, tiny.

[Sean]

Maybe like a mango.

[Matt McCusker]

You think it's mango dice or you think it's watermelon dice? It might be watermelon. I was going to say from the artwork I saw. These are mean I mean, know, these might be plus plus. Yeah, yeah. No, they're big babes. Let's be honest, huh?

[Nate]

Sbbw, the super fans super bbw.

[Matt McCusker]

It might be sbbw. My thing. I'm Body Paws. It's. I think it's a. It's going against Body Paws to trying to say pairs. I'm with you, Sean. Be like the merely pear shaped. That's like mom. That's like frumpy mom. Where it's like, oh, yeah, I had a couple kids paired outs. These are big, beautiful women. Yeah. That's when I'm saying I'm getting trapped between them in a pool.

[La Bear]

Sad idea. Dude, you might want to pitch this Netflix. Dude, I don't even know. But like, you know the movie Heavyweights? Yes, you do it. But with this.

[Matt McCusker]

Bbw.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

BB Dubs.

[Matt McCusker]

Paradise.

[La Bear]

Paradise, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

But what would the challenge be? A bunch of skinny ladies trying to get lifted by their boyfriends.

[La Bear]

The movie Heavyweights.

[Matt McCusker]

And then I, through my training regimen, lift all the fattest women ever make their day. Yeah. And I become the king of Paradise.

[La Bear]

Yeah. You're the Matrix.

[Matt McCusker]

My wife is cool with it. Because I'm being body positive,

[La Bear]

babe.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm being Body Paws. I have to lift these fat women for the business.

[La Bear]

I'm saying, still, the way the business works.

[Matt McCusker]

These are fat body women. This episode is brought to you by Viori. All right, we got to tell you guys about this brand. Viori.

[Guest/Advertiser]

Another good marketing idea.

[Matt McCusker]

Go ahead, get a marketing idea.

[La Bear]

When?

[Matt McCusker]

When the tease hit your eyes like a big pizza pie.

[Guest/Advertiser]

That's me. All right. I mean, the guys hired me.

[Nate]

I know.

[Guest/Advertiser]

Matt, could you tell me something about the core shorts?

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, my God. For example, gym couch, quick run out.

[Sean]

They just work, all right?

[Matt McCusker]

That's how they just work.

[Guest/Advertiser]

What about the Strato Tech tea?

[Matt McCusker]

I would say ridiculously soft. Like, suspiciously soft. Everything is the perfect combo of comfort. But still looking like we didn't completely give up. Oh, God. Oh, my God. We are viori.com secret and discover the versatility, the verse nature of Yuri. Clothing exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. That's me. All right. This episode is brought to you by blinds dot com.

[Guest/Advertiser]

Matt, I'll tell you what. I can start by talking about that one set of blinds that drove me absolutely crazy. Lemaire's blinds broke here.

[Matt McCusker]

Really?

[Guest/Advertiser]

And so his is. It's just open to the sun. He's out all day. You can walk by and see him. You can see what he's up to

[Matt McCusker]

that's driving you crazy. I come home, I knock on him,

[Guest/Advertiser]

I say, what the. He's asleep.

[Matt McCusker]

Your blinds are broken. Yeah, dude, get it.

[La Bear]

Get it.

[Matt McCusker]

Someone will come out here right now, and they can estimate them for you. Yeah, blinds.com, you can call up blinds.com. it's. It's really quick and easy.

[La Bear]

Oh, I'll give them a call.

[Matt McCusker]

Come out, measure they'll. They snap them in. What do you say?

[La Bear]

I'll give them a call.

[Guest/Advertiser]

Oh, that'll give them a call. Right now, blinds.com is giving our listeners an exclusive $50 off when you spend 500 or more. Just use code secret at checkout. Limited time offer rules and restrictions apply. See blinds.com for details.

[Matt McCusker]

But yeah, Paradise. I mean, God damn, the guy thought he was starting something nice. And, yeah, that was his Neverland Ranch.

[Nate]

But you do it in the woods, it is kind of a bad look. You said it's in the woods, right?

[Matt McCusker]

You're talking Paradise. Paradise is in Vegas, bro.

[Sean]

Oh, the website is. Well, maybe I shouldn't say this, but the website is still up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, for sure. I just saw paradise website still up. Yeah, my man had the. My mom. My man had to wag you in the pool. He had to wag you a five. Wag you. Buttery sauce melted his mouth.

[Nate]

You can't even be mad.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, here's a problem. If you haven't seen the doc again, it could be, like, horrific.

[La Bear]

It could be horrific. I mean, he could have been baking them.

[Nate]

True, true. There could be some disappeared.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, who needs suntan? Yeah, he's gonna be like, who needs sunspray?

[Sean]

There. There's a section addressing the allegations on the paradise official website, paradise.net and it says you came here after hearing or reading some negative things. When adults interact, misunderstandings can happen. For a detailed timeline, documentation, and context, see the full allegations page. So they have a page dedicated to their.

[Nate]

See the full allegations page.

[Matt McCusker]

So it's like, about us contact allegations of sexual. Not a good sign.

[La Bear]

Privacy policy. Contact us allegations.

[Matt McCusker]

Can you look. Can you look up paradise on Google review? Because that might have. Or like on Google, because that might have. Oh, ratings.

[Nate]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sean]

Let's see.

[Matt McCusker]

Let me see. I'm gonna try to do Paradise. Although there's a lot of paradise events. Oh, it is llc. Where was this snowy photo? Doesn't look like Vegas to me. It's Texas. There's a Paradise events in Texas. What?

[Nate]

Tortoise?

[La Bear]

Yeah, the tortoise flautas,

[Matt McCusker]

missy. Paradise. Las Vegas. Because did you ever like, see the Google reviews on stuff that shouldn't have Google reviews.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Paradise Lost. Prickly Paradise Quilts. What the hell? Yeah, it's not on Google Review.

[Nate]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

Dang.

[Sean]

Yeah, but they have the allegations page here. And.

[Matt McCusker]

What's he claiming?

[La Bear]

How many allegations?

[Sean]

This page exists to collect a relevant timeline, public context, selected materials, and documented records relating to the allegations made about the founder, Stefan Wilhelmi.

[Nate]

First name Stefan.

[Sean]

That's a paradise.

[La Bear]

Stefan's not a creep name. Stefan Urkel. Dude, that was the best. Cool. Urkel.

[Sean]

The goal.

[La Bear]

That's creeper. That's cool. Or cool.

[Sean]

It's not to attack, inflame, attack, or make conclusions for the reader. It's intended to present a documented account, organized chronology, so that interested readers can review the available materials, inform their own understanding.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay, so what the. Does this guy have receipts or not? Dude,

[Nate]

that sounds like it's the receipts page.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Here's a screenshot of a text.

[La Bear]

Okay, you got to get a true crime podcast. You got a good true crime voice.

[Matt McCusker]

You got. It has a really good true crime. Is there any. Is there any juicy deets? That's what I need.

[Sean]

I'm sifting through the deets during. So it's been going on 2020. Let me sift through it and sift

[Matt McCusker]

through and jump back in. But, yeah, I thought you guys might enjoy the fact that there was trouble in paradise. Dude, I. I'm trying to escape paradise myself. I've been. In a month, I've been in a challenge with two of my friends where it's as many. You track it on the apple watch. Whoever burns the most calories by the month of June wins. Yeah, I'm up to. I'm nine days in, and I've burned, I think, 11, 000 calories in nine days.

[La Bear]

That's nice, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

It's. First of all, you would think I would. Like. It's so hard to get rid of fat.

[Nate]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, I've. I've been to the point where, like, I. I really, like, I need to chill. Like, I'm getting. I feel like ill right now. I've worked out so much. You're telling me shred. That's what I'm saying. Give me the shred. Where's the shred? Dude, it takes to lose a pound of fat. It takes, like, I think, like, 4, 000 calories.

[La Bear]

4,000 calories.

[Matt McCusker]

You know what it takes to burn 4, 000 calories? Yeah.

[Nate]

My record on the elliptical. 500. Huh? That's in my record on the elliptical. Is like 500.

[Matt McCusker]

500. Dude, if you were to run hard and like give it your all, you might burn 500 calories. Yeah, that's insane. You need to burn 3, 500 more calories. You'd have to do. What is that? Six all out running sessions to try to fight down one pound while not taking in enough food to set to offset that. Such things. Such. What are you you laughing at? Do you think paradise is funny?

[Sean]

No, no, no. I just wanted to clarify that. So the allegations were made by a tik tocker named Piggy Stardust, which was a funny name.

[La Bear]

Oh, Stardust. Tik Tok. I'm sorry, guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Fired up.

[Sean]

Stefan is suing Piggy for liable, slander and defamation. So I wanted to clarify that. Everything we've said on this broadcast is

[Matt McCusker]

alleged legend for sure. An opinion opinion of Piggy Stardust.

[Sean]

Right?

[Matt McCusker]

What we got with piggy?

[La Bear]

Well, she's 29, non binary ASD, paranova peace sign, BLM. Trans lives matter, LGBTQ plus.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay, I can see this lady.

[La Bear]

She's on Ozempic now. She's not as f. What?

[Matt McCusker]

Yo, that's fucking pissing me off, dude. That's body pos.

[Nate]

That's why she's about to get kicked out the club and turns on.

[Matt McCusker]

Ooh, villain move. So she went.

[La Bear]

This is her.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh boy, the lady looks like. Hit the mic.

[La Bear]

Sorry.

[Matt McCusker]

Give her. Oh man. I don't give a fuck about this lady's car. Jesus Christ. I thought he's updating me on Paradise. Just wanted to let you guys know I have a car now.

[La Bear]

I'm gonna go back. It's 2020, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Piggy Stardust. Is she still even Piggy Stardust or she just Stardust?

[La Bear]

It's miss.

[Nate]

It's miss Stardust now.

[La Bear]

It's Margie Marie.

[Nate]

Yo, to get so fat becomes your identity. It's so funny. Just call me Piggy.

[Matt McCusker]

So does that one have no plus? I. I mean, I, you know.

[La Bear]

Well, she's not plus sized anymore. She's not worried about it, I don't think.

[Matt McCusker]

What the hell?

[La Bear]

Yeah, I'm trying to get back crazy

[Matt McCusker]

to drop into paradise and just.

[Sean]

That's crazy. There are screenshots attached to the.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, no.

[Sean]

Conversations and messages with Alexandria Pork Chop Gillen. They got good names.

[Matt McCusker]

They got really good names.

[Sean]

There's camera footage. So basically, I think he put all of his court evidence on the website on the allegations page.

[Matt McCusker]

So Paradise Prime. Preserve Paradise. It's a little Margaritaville. So. But that babe was after him. But then she seems exempicked. Does seem like a. I mean, given the tags you gave me on her profile. Seems like she's kicking up dust online every now and again.

[La Bear]

She's a dust kicker.

[Matt McCusker]

To be a bit of a dust kicker. Septum Pearson. I've always said I'd never get. I rarely. I should say rarely get along with septum piercers.

[Nate]

And she had, like, a big septum pierce. Like, it wasn't like, a little. It was.

[Matt McCusker]

The bigger it is. At least we get along, dude.

[Nate]

It was like, full hoop ring. Like, it was hoop earring. It was.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know what it is, dude. Our. Our. I'm just not aligned every time. And I have nothing. Nothing against them. It's just every time. I like.

[Nate]

I even like the way it looks sometimes, but it's always attached.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't.

[Nate]

That's because, you know, it's the. It's an op.

[Matt McCusker]

I know. It lays underneath.

[La Bear]

Exactly.

[Matt McCusker]

It looks like the enemy flag.

[La Bear]

They have the opposite values. You, like, almost completely atheist. Yeah, I, like, don't care about family.

[Matt McCusker]

True that. I like a little nose. A little nose ring here, Ally. As soon as I see the septum, I'm like, we're gonna have a problem. You and I are gonna fight. We are gonna battle. Literally. We are. We're. We're online on every single thing you could possibly imagine.

[La Bear]

I saw some. You guys hear about what's happening with cbs? No. They fired Chris. He was the anchor for their, like, new show. I don't. I think it was actually 60 Minutes. It was the anchor for 60 Minutes. They fired him.

[Matt McCusker]

Chris. Who the fuck is Chris?

[La Bear]

Chris Crawley or something. I can't remember. What's her name? Lindy? Barry Weiss.

[Matt McCusker]

Barry Weiss. I remember that lady.

[La Bear]

She. She runs CBS now.

[Sean]

What?

[La Bear]

Yeah. And she fired. She's fired. She's trying to make CBS sellable, and they hired her because they're gonna sell

[Matt McCusker]

it to fucking, like, buzzfeed.

[La Bear]

Paramount. Oh, that's. There's a company called Sky. That's why Colbert got fired, right? Yeah, yeah, because he called them out for. For. For was bribing Trump so that Skydance can buy Paramount.

[Matt McCusker]

Wait, who bribed Trump?

[La Bear]

Skydance, the company for. So they can buy Paramount because Trump's in charge of the FCC and they want to try to keep it away from being a man. Okay, Monopoly. Oh, so they fired Colbert because he was yapping, and they kept saying he didn't make any money, which doesn't make any sense. They sold his spot to Byron Allen. So, like, now the 11 o' clock spot is a paid spot for Byron Allen. He's paying to be.

[Matt McCusker]

Who is Byron Allen? I saw that guy took over Colbert Spot Comic Unleashed.

[La Bear]

He owns the Weather Channel.

[Nate]

Yeah, he's like a comic.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, what, that guy owns the Weather Channel? Bro, I. I heard that guy owns the Weather Channel. I kind of love that he's him.

[Nate]

I go from just doing stand up

[Matt McCusker]

to you own the Weather Channel. I didn't know who Byron Allen was, and then someone was just telling me the comics Unleashed guy owns a weather Channel. And I was like, what a fucking beast. Such a foresight to buy the Weather Channel worth nothing.

[La Bear]

Yeah, yeah. And now.

[Matt McCusker]

So what's he talking about? Is he talking weather?

[La Bear]

It's just Comics Unleashed. He just does a show. It's like an old show he brought back.

[Matt McCusker]

I want to see him talk weather on there. Like, I got to talk.

[La Bear]

Brian Allen doing Al Roker.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, I, I believe it that a lot of people weren't watching Stephen Colbert.

[La Bear]

I think a lot of people.

[Nate]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[La Bear]

And then even if they're watching it, they're. They're making Money off the YouTube, off the Twitter.

[Nate]

That's what I.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay. Because that's what I'm saying. Those late night shows, I don't think that many people tune in, but then the clips online do well.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

But even still, though, I don't think it, like, like, how much do they have? Like the. Whatever.

[La Bear]

They definitely probably have the.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. What were the. I don't. I don't think they were great. I mean, I'm sure people watch.

[La Bear]

But like, but like, what's great on TV right now?

[Matt McCusker]

Nothing. Everything's streaming.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If you, if you were to be like, if you were to challenge me to try to find and watch Stephen Cole or any show like that at night time. Yeah, I would. It would take me an hour to research and figure out how to even, like actually on tv.

[La Bear]

All you got to do is go like this.

[Matt McCusker]

But how do you get the channel? I don't. I don't have Compton.

[La Bear]

I don't.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't have cable.

[La Bear]

Yeah, right, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

So it's like I, I wouldn't even. I couldn't even tell you how to watch that. I was trying to get the spurs game when we were watching, when we were doing stand up this weekend. Like, that took me. Yeah, that was tough.

[La Bear]

Csbn.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's Disney. Apparently. Since I have Disney, I was able then. But then they put on YouTube TV and it works.

[La Bear]

Everything.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, pretty much does On ABC too. Yeah. What, let me see, what was Colbert's ratings? I don't, I don't, you know, I'm nothing against the guy. I just, I don't think they were. I don't think anyone watches except for geezers.

[Sean]

His finale recorded a series high of 6.74 million.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, shut the up.

[Sean]

Live plus same day viewers.

[La Bear]

What's the average though?

[Sean]

The average, Let me look that up.

[La Bear]

If it's less than 2 million, go ahead, cancel it. But if it's more than that, you

[Nate]

think less than 2 is still cancelable?

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Like, what if it's like 1.5?

[Matt McCusker]

I know, it's pretty good.

[La Bear]

Yeah, actually, if it's less than 1, it's canceled.

[Matt McCusker]

My thing is, if you have a YouTube thing, if you're doing a mill, I, I mean, I instantly take it back if that's the case. I thought it, I thought the for real was like a thousand people watching. Because I don't know a single person who stays up and watches any late night show. I don't, I can't, I don't know a single person has been like, oh, I was watching this last night on TV at 11pm I think they get a lot. Are they including web views with that too?

[Nate]

I'm not sure.

[Sean]

I'm not sure. But it says his average, his average viewers per night hovered around 2.5 million.

[Matt McCusker]

That's good.

[La Bear]

You shouldn't be canceled.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's pretty good.

[La Bear]

Yeah, it's just scam. He's getting fogging.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, even if you had, if you had a thing on YouTube that had 700,000, you know, views every week, every. Still make a lot of money every day. Every day is crazy. Yeah.

[La Bear]

Yeah. Because Colbert's on every day.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, you're right. That's pretty nuts. I had no idea the viewership was still rocking that hard.

[La Bear]

And then he got fucking. Yeah, everyone.

[Nate]

And he probably still had YouTube money because I think they do show like clips on YouTube. YouTube money coming in big time.

[Matt McCusker]

I, I thought for sure it was in like honestly like tens of thousands or like.

[La Bear]

No, dude.

[Nate]

So he was just good background noise. Like I used to walk dogs. I would put on like, I would put on whatever. That, that kind of.

[Matt McCusker]

That's crazy.

[Nate]

Nothing or Rogan or.

[La Bear]

Nice to go to sleep too.

[Matt McCusker]

For sure now. Dude, I, I like, I listen, I listen to like AI Slop when I go to sleep. I got tricked. I didn't know I'd watch these videos on YouTube. It's like fall asleep to all of St. Augustine's writings ever. And I just put it on. I pass out. And then I looked it up. I'm like, this is all AI. Yeah. It' AI summary. Some guy gave an AI voice. I like, God damn it. I've been getting tricked by a AI slob.

[Nate]

If you invest your time in making AI slop, there's bags to be made. It just doesn't feel good.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, he doesn't. The videos get, like, 30. They got hundreds of thousands of views. And I. I looked it up in the very end of the thing, and it was, like, generated by AI, blah, blah, blah. Because you can get. You could. I could do it right now. I could be like, hey, write up a summary of any historical figure and then you feed it to another one. Like, hey, do, like, get, like, a nice voice acting or voice. And then it's like, bam, you have a. Yeah. Vid.

[Nate]

Then just get it to clip whatever visuals you want to be.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that's.

[La Bear]

Yeah. You make one where you make the thing and you go to one where you're like, review this. And then you go to one where you're like, let's do the audio.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, no, I. I got. Because I was listening. I'm like, man, this guy knows his stuff. Then I read the description. I was like, mother freaker. Because there is something about it that I really. I don't know. When I hear it, I'm like. It makes me not want to listen to them. Not even on, like a, you know, like, moral thing of, like, this is wrong. I just go like, something about it.

[Nate]

It feels wrong.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, it feels like when I play the computer on a video game and I'm like, why am I doing this? I'm playing the computer. I'm playing against the computer. And I go, this is dumb. I feel. I just feel so alone. That's what it is. Like, I feel so lonely. I go, man, yeah.

[La Bear]

Do you know if you're averaging 2.5 million viewers a day, that's bigger than, like, every big TV show?

[Matt McCusker]

No, apparently not. Because they. What are the other ones? They didn't cancel.

[Sean]

It's not bigger than Gutfeld.

[Nate]

You.

[Sean]

The thing about that is Gutfeld's at a different time slot. It's earlier.

[La Bear]

He's in prime time.

[Sean]

Yeah. But he averages 3.3 mil. He's the highest.

[La Bear]

Average, 700. That's still, though.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, Colbert was averaging 2.5 million.

[La Bear]

And gut feels three point.

[Sean]

That's what the Google says.

[La Bear]

They're like, right there. They're neck and neck.

[Nate]

That's almost a meal, but still close. Like it's still. Neither one's cancelable.

[La Bear]

Neither one.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm still in awe that there's a million people watching either of these shows.

[La Bear]

I think, I bet, I mean, it

[Nate]

could be a hundred percent of the viewership in New York City. You still have like leftover people.

[La Bear]

I bet it's the same people watching both.

[Matt McCusker]

No way to get the out of here.

[La Bear]

I bet there's some crossover.

[Matt McCusker]

You think my parents stop watching Gutfeld and talk. To say, absolutely not even happening. They don't even know it's on then. Dude, if you watch Gutfeld, you don't even. You probably haven't seen Stephen Colbert in years.

[La Bear]

And that's 2.5 million separate people who could, like, who just got fucked for no reason.

[Matt McCusker]

They're going to watch Byron now. They're going to be, oh, you get Byron.

[La Bear]

They're going to. They're going to fucking Kimmel.

[Sean]

Byron's falling off the.

[Nate]

The stand up.

[Sean]

Big drop in viewership since Byron has taken over.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Because it's just the stand up now

[La Bear]

because yes, Comics Unleashed. Nobody wants to watch that.

[Matt McCusker]

But it's like he pays.

[La Bear]

He knows he has to pay for the spot. He's paying for the spot. Bros we know are on the show and we don't want to watch him.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, so it is. I thought it was. I thought it was stand up interviewed, but it's not.

[La Bear]

No, it's like, well, all right, wait, here it is. He's like, matt, I hear you got some children.

[Matt McCusker]

Ah, yeah.

[La Bear]

Like that's all the show is.

[Matt McCusker]

And then you do bits, basically.

[La Bear]

Yeah, I hear you. I hear you don't want mixed kids.

[Guest/Advertiser]

Norm.

[Sean]

Norm.

[La Bear]

Damn, Brian, you're so good at this. How'd you even know?

[Sean]

Norm MacDonald famously said, Comics Unleashed. I've never seen comedians more leashed. But Kimmel and Colbert apparently had. Had been going back and forth. Kimmel averages around 2.5 mil.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Sean]

So now he'll probably take over.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Sean]

But Jimmy Fallon, he's. He's struggling.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Foul dog struggling.

[Sean]

He's at 1.3 mil. He's. He's a million under each of them for.

[La Bear]

Yeah, you need to put Seth Meyers in that spot.

[Sean]

Seth Meyers average is about the same.

[Matt McCusker]

They should really think about doing something completely. Like they should just kill a late night talk show and come up with something totally different.

[La Bear]

Yeah. Podcasts on Netflix.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Or Most Extreme Challenge. That's such a better thing to end the day with. You don't want to watch Net you don't want to watch politics before you go to bed. Yeah, still, you want to watch Chinese guys jump over logs. Then you're like, yes, I can do it. Then you fall asleep.

[La Bear]

Are you talking mxc?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

The most extreme challenge.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, I love it.

[La Bear]

We could do mxc, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Mxc. I actually, I have a proposition for you guys. I think now. Now that I'm on my fitness journey where I'm again burning the most calories a month, I'm on par to burn 37,000 calories this month. Pretty sick.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I've been rock dude rocking and rolling. But I think now we should do a presidential fitness challenge. Between you guys, you three should do Presidential Fitness Challenge. Winner gets a thousand bucks.

[Nate]

Oh, damn it. I did.

[Matt McCusker]

You have two weeks to prepare. I can't.

[La Bear]

I can't run.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm not gonna.

[La Bear]

Is it just a mile?

[Matt McCusker]

It's my. I don't have to look it up.

[La Bear]

I might.

[Matt McCusker]

I look at the thing.

[La Bear]

My 100 push ups.

[Sean]

Shuttle, shuttle run, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Shuttle run. Yeah. You gotta run pull ups. Whoever wins, it's going to be scored. We can even set different metrics. We can do swim, bike, run.

[La Bear]

I can't do pull ups. I can't swim. Where's the strength stuff at? Where's the, like, lifting and throwing? I throw a lot.

[Matt McCusker]

We can. We can definitely set up parameters that are fair.

[La Bear]

I can push. I can pull. I can lift. I can throw, actually. I can push. I can lift. I can throw.

[Matt McCusker]

It should be, in my opinion, scrap presidential. It should be strength, speed, endurance.

[Nate]

Oh, I think I got endorsed.

[Matt McCusker]

You got the doors.

[La Bear]

I got endurance here. I ain't never gonna quit.

[Nate]

I die out there.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm on my Mr. B right now. I was laughing about a fitness challenge being the three of you.

[Sean]

I would do that.

[La Bear]

Huh?

[Sean]

I would do that, but I don't think I'd be very good.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the whole point. Yeah, I know. Watching Lemaire sink mid laugh would be nice. Nate's ass sticking swimming race. The swimming race would be the dude swimming so hard. If you haven't, like, swam race and you try it. It looks insane. I think I might start the scrap yard for fitness challenges. Dude's completely unprepared and like. All right, let's race.

[La Bear]

Did you see the scrap yard guy? Yeah.

[Nate]

Shout out the cast.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, yeah.

[La Bear]

Station white. Shout out gas station white.

[Sean]

Gas station white.

[La Bear]

You lost to the guy, though.

[Nate]

He failed the endorsed challenge.

[La Bear]

You know, he's one of the bros. I'm saying, dude, that guy solo the guy he fought in that video, he always does. He just gets. He's drunk in every video. He just gets beat up and head kicks the guy and they're like, I'm done. I can't fuck this guy anymore. He just kicked the shit out of me.

[Nate]

Yeah, like every video he was throwing, spinning back fish. He was just doing shit.

[Matt McCusker]

Hold on, back to your guys's race. Don't change the subject.

[La Bear]

African American.

[Matt McCusker]

I think it'd be fun. I think it'd be fun. Yeah, I think it'd be a lot of fun.

[La Bear]

It'd be a hoot, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

We have to think about it.

[La Bear]

But it was always my least favorite week in gym. What? Well, the, the test week.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, the test. Yeah. I used to do as low as possible because I thought it was funny. I would hold. I was hanging from the pull up bar and go. And then I'd walk as slow as I could for the run. Like, dude, this is as best as I could do. My teacher would get so bad, dude, this is as far as I can get.

[La Bear]

The teachers lie for me. They'd be like seven minutes.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, that's nice. 12. Yeah, I remember I clocked like a 24 minute mile and the guy was so mad. I was like, dude, I'm out of breath.

[La Bear]

What do we do?

[Nate]

I think I remember mine. I just blew like, I sprinted as fast as I could. The first lap and then just gas, then just walked for five. It was like, it was like six laps total. I got one good lap in.

[La Bear]

Yeah, I would hit the straightaways pretty hard and then the fucking curves are like.

[Nate]

Ours was just a regular circle. Just.

[La Bear]

Oh, I heard you say my straightaway was probably like 20 seconds each, but that circle was like a minute.

[Matt McCusker]

Hey, guys, let's take a quick break from the show for a special segment called More or less Presidential Fight Night Edition, brought to you by prize picks. On June 14, some of the biggest names in MMA are headed to the White House and you can make your MMA picks on Prize Picks. And to celebrate this historic card, Prize Picks is dropping a sugar Sean o' Malley discount, which means less strikes. Still cash. Okay, but let's put the gloves on. Who's winning? The. Who's winning in the South Lawn? Oh, we're putting the gloves on to talk about who's winning in the South Lawn. Matt.

[La Bear]

I'm looking at the card right now and it's, it's. A lot of these fights are pretty one sided, I'll tell you.

[Matt McCusker]

What do you mean?

[La Bear]

Diego Lopez beats Steve Garcia you think that? Yeah. Bo Nickel, Kyle Dawkis. I think Kyle Dawkis beats Bo Nickel because he's buns. Mauricio Rufey versus Michael Chandler. Roofy wins because Michael Chandler always lets everyone down. Josh Hochschs versus. This is the truth. Josh Hokic versus Derrick Lewis. Derrick Lewis beats Josh Hokik Because I

[Sean]

might disagree with you.

[La Bear]

Well, I'm telling you, Derek Luc.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, the gloves are on.

[Nate]

The black.

[La Bear]

The black Beast wins because of racism.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[La Bear]

What?

[Sean]

Why do you think Josh Hoket just beat Curtis Blades in one of the best fights of the year?

[La Bear]

By. Because price picks.

[Matt McCusker]

Price picks didn't.

[La Bear]

Would one of them have, like a broken leg or something? Or broken hands?

[Sean]

I'll take the gloves off.

[Matt McCusker]

I'll just let you put the gloves off. The gloves are off. He has. You can't. You can't attack him on his.

[La Bear]

I'm telling you, dude. Hokage. Hokage. Losing Derek is going to win this. Hokage.

[Matt McCusker]

Who's the main event?

[La Bear]

The main event. We have a couple. Sean Malley loses. Alex Pero wins. Sean Mall is going to lose a whole Zahabi. Okay. He's going to lose to a Canadian. And then Alex Pereira versus Cyril Gunn. I guess Alex Pereira wins.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

What's the main.

[La Bear]

The main event is Ilia Toporia versus Justin Gaethje. And I would love to say Justin Gaethje wins this fight, but Ilia Toporia is going to smoke it. Elliot Seporia is too nasty.

[Sean]

Only one way to find out.

[Matt McCusker]

Only one way to find out. Prize picks.

[Sean]

Watching the car, guys.

[Matt McCusker]

And let me just tell you something. Okay, so that's our take. Now it's time to lock in yours. Make all of your picks for the White House card which. Did you ever believe when you're a little boy you'd be even uttering these things? Make all your picks for the White House card and every sport on prize picks from player picks to team picks. It's all on prize picks. Download the prize picks app today and use code drench to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Yes, 50 bucks when you play your first five prize picks. America's number one sports picks app.

[La Bear]

Hey, everybody, it's me, La Bear. Please come to Charlottesville. June 24th. Columbia, South Carolina, June 23rd. I just added a show at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. August 6th, I think, or 7th. Feel free to please come to the zone. Let's sell out the zone.

[Matt McCusker]

They gotta paint Shane on the zone. They gotta be disrespectful they haven't put his face up.

[La Bear]

I'm gonna that what I'm there for, dud. Yeah. And The Optimum Noctis, June 23rd. It's going to be a goddamn heater.

[Matt McCusker]

All right, guys, 626. That means June 26th and 27th, I will be at the Stardome Comedy Club in Birmingham, Alabama. Sorry about Huntsville. It just didn't work out, guys. But I will be in Birmingham, Alabama. 626. 627. I, I originally for some reason said that that got canceled. I was thinking of Huntsville. It is going down in Birmingham. That is a fact. 6:26. 6:27. I'm off the month of July. But then in August 7th, I'll be in San Jose, California, August 7th and 8th. And then in August 13th, I'll be at the Spokane Comedy Club in Spokane, Washington. Please come. Matt McCusker.com Paintings in the mouth. Hello.

[Sean]

I'm coming back to Good Nights in Raleigh on August 27th. And then I'll be in Charleston, South Carolina, at Wits End Comedy Club, August 28th and 29th. Please come.

[La Bear]

If you 27 is my birthday, you're not going to be able to hang out.

[Sean]

I'm sorry, man, but I got to be in Raleigh at Good Nights. Please come. Thank you guys very much. Enjoy the rest of the program.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm telling you guys, you'll see when you turn 40, something kicks in. You get this weird sense of like, I need to push my body to the limits. It hit me so hard as soon as I turned 40, I was like, I need to go all like.

[Nate]

I don't know, like, I've been keeping it to myself. I've been, I've been, I've been working out a little bit. I say nothing but my biceps right now. I've been hurting for like two days. Just, you know, I've been working on a little bit. But like, but not like a usual when I was younger where the sore feels good. Like this is like, it hurts. I think I tore something.

[Matt McCusker]

It doesn't. I mean, that's all it is. You do make. You make micro tears. But, dude, I'm. I started when, I guess I moved here, what, two and a half years ago and I was, I would, I could never work out consistently. I don't know what it was. I would never do it. So then I started and I started like, I, I didn't realize how deeply out of shape you get. Like, I was, yeah, I was like, I exercise sometimes. I was deeply out of shape and Then you. It takes like a year just to get like able to like fully run a couple miles. Something they consider like is pretty normal. I couldn't do, I couldn't run a full mile. I know I couldn't do it. And then you get. Once you can do that, it takes a while to build that up or like. Yeah. Actually work out without getting like super shin splints and just like, you're like, I can't even move. Took me a full year to be able to actually work out consistently. Like physically handle being able to work

[La Bear]

out guy like me. It'll take like three months.

[Matt McCusker]

Like in the field day challenge.

[La Bear]

Dude,

[Matt McCusker]

put it on rain bed.

[La Bear]

I've been working too.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

Playing basketball a lot.

[Matt McCusker]

B ball is helpful.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Good.

[Matt McCusker]

I wonder, I wonder how again you guys don't have to do this if you don't want, but I wonder how you have to. You'd have to figure out a way to do it where everyone has a shot and it'd be. It'd be very funny.

[La Bear]

We gotta do an athletics when I can. I'm the most athletic out of us.

[Matt McCusker]

But what are the metrics? Yeah, talking.

[Nate]

We're talking speed jump it like, like,

[La Bear]

well, like sports I guess. Right.

[Nate]

You bounce.

[La Bear]

Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

So like you have to have the shooting contest.

[La Bear]

Like a, like a, like what was it called? The. What was the football thing? Punk kick pass.

[Matt McCusker]

Punk kick pass. Yeah. Yeah.

[Nate]

I think you got me in pkp. I think I would, I think I would do a great punt.

[Matt McCusker]

Punt would be nice. Big punta game at Chuck E. Cheese where you throw the. That game.

[Nate]

Dexterity with the little, little balls.

[Matt McCusker]

But dude, I got, I got sent it. Well, first of all, I just turned 40 and I. It's instantly kicked in. It was just like, dude, I gotta push it as hard as I can. I'm still in it right now. I'm literally going nuts working out. But it's kind of fun.

[La Bear]

You're on track to get. Get rid of 37, 000 calories, dude.

[Sean]

But it did.

[Matt McCusker]

Why, why won't my fat leave my body? Why won't my. It's crazy.

[Nate]

Has to feel crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

It's insane. I don't eat. Dude. I eat pretty healthy, man. I. I really, really do. I mean every now and again do I eat a little too much? Obviously, but like exactly. It's not that bad. It's. For me it's been eye opening to be like, dude, it's so hard. Especially I guess at 40, you can say it's so hard to get Shredded, like, so hard, it's. It's almost. I won't say impossible because it's possible. It's so much harder than you think.

[Nate]

Damn.

[La Bear]

You gotta get on the, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

No, no, I'm not on the. But I will say the reason. The. The reason I'm going hard right now is I have. I had a life insurance thing where they're. Now, I can't do zins. I can't do any of that stuff because you have to pay a serious premium. So if you're taking Zins or even, like, well, smoking, obviously. But now, even since if they detect nicotine. Yeah. In your system, you have to pay, like, 50%.

[La Bear]

How to fucking your system.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, nicotine. It's like anything else.

[La Bear]

No, no. I mean, the.

[Nate]

Dude, they go through all of this.

[Matt McCusker]

They're.

[Nate]

They're literally hobbies.

[Matt McCusker]

They have to pay your family if you, like, a lot if you die. So then they go, all right, we'll do this. But we.

[La Bear]

They.

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't realize. They do a very invasive check. Like, there's a chance. And this is what I'm training for. I might have to go on the 50 cent treadmill with, like, the mask and shit.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

And just fully ball out for a doctor, which I'm. I'm trying to get freak status. Yeah. I'm trying to get creature. I'm trying to get them to go, what the. Is going on?

[La Bear]

Which video was that in the club? Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I always think. I was like, I want to do. Ever since I saw a video, I was like, I want to do one of those tests from the doctor so bad.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Put on the mask and just go nuts, man.

[La Bear]

This. This is the thing. They just don't want to give any money.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

That's literally it.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That's the whole fucking point.

[La Bear]

Like, that's not what insurance is for. Insurance is for.

[Nate]

I think life insurance. No, no, no.

[La Bear]

But I mean, like, all insurance is all the type of. Same type of fucking scam where it's like, we're going to take care of you, but if your blood work is a little bit down when you die, charge you more.

[Matt McCusker]

That's. Yeah, they're going to pay you, but you got to pay more. It's all just a mathematical formula.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

They go, okay, we have all the data. If you display these characteristics, you are this much more likely to die, therefore you got to pay us more.

[Nate]

Don't they check, like, what are their hobbies? Like, if you like extreme sports, I don't know.

[La Bear]

What's the value of A life depends.

[Matt McCusker]

Depends how much? Literally depends how much you pay them. So it's like if you pay them more, they'll give you more when you die. So, you know, it's like my life is priceless.

[Nate]

Hey, I agree.

[La Bear]

I can't afford to pay me enough.

[Matt McCusker]

You gotta ask them. But whoever gets, they'll disagree and go, fine, we just won't go into the death business with you. I'm in the death business right now. I'm doing it for 10 years. I'm gonna do a 10 year insurance policy and just pray that I'm not. I won't need life insurance. That's my plan.

[La Bear]

I'm gonna, I'm gonna get life insurance. I'm gonna start it just while my kids are little.

[Matt McCusker]

It's a safeguard. In order to do it, I have to take life insurance.

[La Bear]

Hey, Matt, you know, if you give me a hundred thousand dollars, if you give me $2,000 a month until. For the next 10 years, I'll make sure when you die you have a hundred thousand dollars. That's what, that's what, that's what life insurance is doing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but they, they will actually pay you.

[La Bear]

No, they won't. They're making you go through tests. No, they don't do, bro.

[Matt McCusker]

They get rated these, these places get assessed. They're rated. There's places that have, they have. They track what percent pays out.

[Sean]

All right.

[Nate]

Man, Isn't that what this did? Along came Polly. Wasn't he that guy, like he would.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nate]

That was his whole job was to like see how much you're in the 90s, early 2000s.

[La Bear]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude, they, they actually pay. They really will. I mean if there's certain. I'm sure as people get out of the hook.

[La Bear]

Just like the Gerber baby. The Gerber baby definitely paid the virgin guy. Gerber baby. You remember Gerber baby.

[Matt McCusker]

What happened?

[La Bear]

Your parents would get like, they'd be like child insurance. You pay them every month until you turn to your kid, turn 18 or something. Then they get like a lump sum of money.

[Matt McCusker]

That's different. So there's insurance as an investment. That's a different thing. And that's actually, it's unregulated. So if you, if you sell insurance as an investment, you're not beholden to the sec. So there they, it's called, there's, you know, I'm not going to say the name of the place.

[La Bear]

I'm selling life insurance as an investment.

[Matt McCusker]

Huh.

[Nate]

Just started right now.

[La Bear]

I'm just.

[Matt McCusker]

Right now?

[La Bear]

Yeah, I'M going to get it all. You're not back if you guys want,

[Matt McCusker]

you're making your life. I hear your point. I hear your point. You're hitting me with bus stop rumblings right now. I know how the life insurance policy, it's like astrophysics, the numbers, it's so complicated. I agree, it's kind of. But at the same time you don't need to take it.

[La Bear]

Do they have the same numbers of Affleck? Like, you know how like if you get work hurt in Affleck, like you lose a finger, you get so much money? No, it's like, then it's not like

[Matt McCusker]

it's, it's them going, we'll give you what you pay. If you want X, you got to pay us X amount. Because most people don't die. So they're like, they just get money. Yeah, I'm saying like during those years when you're younger, they get all these people. They're like, we're getting all this money. Then people die, they go, here, give them these, give these guys money. But if you're having so many, like if you have all of these 40 year olds giving you life insurance money, the percentage of 40 year olds that die is way lower than I think. And everyone's incentivized to stay alive.

[La Bear]

The whole idea of insurance is not to give you anything.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, they, they do. Well, this is them. They try to maximize profit and they will set up things when they make it harder to get it PA out, which is annoying. And then they'll do a thing where it's like, ah, well dude, your insurance, like homeowners will be like, ah, your got up but that your roof got messed up. That could have been from like if it's animal damage, they'll be like, we don't cover anything from the ursine family. So they'll be like, if like say a raccoon up your roof, if like a raccoon up your roof, they'll be like, we covered more for like rodent infestation. So they will do like that 100

[Nate]

acts of God, dude, we got storms or something. Is that like a whole term?

[Matt McCusker]

They have some, they have some bs. I actually funny enough last night dreamed I tackled an insurance executive. And as I tackled him I was like, hey, at least someone didn't shoot you people. Other people shoot you. It was a up dream. But I remember waking up from him being like, I must be really pissed about this insurance. I must want my little knickknack naturals, dude, that's why I'm so bad right now. I literally can't do them. I'm. I'm in a deep subspace right now because of health insurance. I'm so subbed out to insurance companies right now. I'm being dominated so hard. Like, I'll down to write at my laptop and I'm like, I want my zins, man.

[La Bear]

And I'm like, you're being fin d.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm being indom. Truly insurance dominated. That's the thing too. Apparently. If they catch you doing them, they can just be like, yep, we're out of here. Thanks for your money. You're gone.

[Nate]

Like, even they keep the money you had.

[Matt McCusker]

If. If I get the non. Which I. I don't have, I again, I've. I've stayed on record. Nicotine is not addictive. I got off it no problem. Yeah, but it's like, I really isn't that hard. I didn't think it was that hard, but. But if they catch you consuming nicotine while you're being covered, they could in theory, sever the thing.

[Nate]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Now to fulfill the. I just chew coffee beans while I do stuff gives me that same feeling of like, you know, I like. I like inserting that thing. Paul's into my lip right there. So, yeah, right now I'm being completely subbed out and I'm paranoid now. I'm going like, damn. Like, you hear about people getting like, killed for life. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, my wife might kill my one fight.

[Nate]

You gotta sleep with your eye open kind of, man.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm kind of being like, yeah, I told her that.

[La Bear]

Damn.

[Matt McCusker]

I said, it's like, now I'm like, even just questioning. I'm like, dude, for real. I was. She got really upset at me, but I was like, it's a lot of upside to me dying for this family. That's what I said. I'm like, it's kind of peace of mind being like, bro, if I just die, it's a huge bag for the whole family. He's like, don't talk like that. Oh, I don't know. It makes me feel kind of good being like it. Man, the plane goes down, it sucks. But like, kids are cool. Cha ching for the fans. Don't think like that. I'm thinking like that. I'm hoping you're not thinking like that.

[La Bear]

You ever see the show? There's a show called DTF St. Louis

[Matt McCusker]

where that's like, yeah, what is the show about? Is it about that more?

[La Bear]

Well, a guy's getting cucked and then his wife gets insurance and they. She plans to kill.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, he gets the bull. Basically is like, let's kill your dumbass husband and take them all best friends.

[Nate]

They're like, bull in the cuck are the whole thing.

[La Bear]

It's a great show.

[Matt McCusker]

I know, but I'm saying the friend is the bull.

[Nate]

The friend is the bull. My thing is, they also flip and they all know.

[La Bear]

And everybody knows too.

[Nate]

My flip. And the bull becomes the cup.

[Matt McCusker]

What?

[Nate]

Yeah, yeah. Like, he. Like.

[La Bear]

Like he.

[Nate]

They were closet watching, like, you know. Yeah, watching the closet. Eventually the cuck was like, I just don't feel like part of this. Can we switch it up? Because it was his wife. He's like, I still want to, you know.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I want to be the bull.

[Nate]

And then the wife. It was like the saddest thing of all time. The wife just was like, nah, kid.

[Matt McCusker]

So then he didn't become the bull that he asked to be on the bull.

[Nate]

He asked to become the bull. And the wife was like, no shot.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you. First of all, you can't ask to become the bull. You gotta be the bull.

[La Bear]

You just gotta.

[Matt McCusker]

You gotta be out there. Great. You gotta be out there grazing, dude.

[Nate]

That's where he blew it.

[Matt McCusker]

My thing is, if you're gonna cuck me, cuckoo me, don't kill me. That's my thing. Please don't kill me.

[Nate]

No, no, no.

[Matt McCusker]

They did.

[Nate]

They didn't kill him. I remember it now. They. They get to. I get to the end. I don't want to spoil this.

[Matt McCusker]

That's fine. I'm never going to watch it. But they. I mean, I heard it's a great show. I heard it's amazing. It's heard the show is really good, so he was getting cucked.

[La Bear]

There's a lot of dongs in it, though. Be prepared for dong.

[Matt McCusker]

A lot of dong.

[La Bear]

A lot of dog.

[Matt McCusker]

Sound of a great show. I'm telling you. Go through all the great shows. Game of Thrones actually made it just Game of Thrones.

[La Bear]

Oz.

[Matt McCusker]

I said a lot of dong.

[La Bear]

Yeah. They were in jail.

[Matt McCusker]

Sopranos had minimal if no dong.

[Nate]

I can't think of one dog.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't think of one dog.

[Nate]

That makes sense.

[Matt McCusker]

There's a scene where, like, when AJ's getting dressed, you peep his dong. He was like a boy.

[La Bear]

No dog in the Sopranos. But they did have a big.

[Matt McCusker]

Did they have a big character's name?

[La Bear]

Huh?

[Nate]

It's a guy's name.

[Matt McCusker]

They're Tits and Sopranos. Yeah.

[Nate]

A lot of the bada bing.

[Matt McCusker]

That's a style. That's a. You know, that's some stylization I could get into. Like, they're probably like, yeah, we're going to be one of the greats. We got to show dong. And they're like, let's just do Tits are rocking. There is something so classical about showing dong in the show. You almost got to do it at certain. At a certain point.

[La Bear]

But everybody loves tits.

[Matt McCusker]

Everyone loves tits, but everyone fears and respects a dong. Yeah, you're there. Watch with your baby dog. Do they show that one, man?

[Nate]

Sometimes you're like. Like, good one to show, though. Like, sometimes they hit you with water. You're like, perfect.

[Matt McCusker]

Westworld is just a dong shower. You watch Westworld, all the robots are there, and you're going, bro, you're gonna hit me with a flask that flaccid right now.

[La Bear]

Why didn't they even give them. They're robots. Make them Kindles. Why didn't eat junk.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Weren't they those robots, though? That was the thing.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, they were the robots. Oh, yeah.

[Nate]

They had a like a crazy flash of the early in Western.

[La Bear]

You should give every robot a dude. Robots, girl robots, A pussy.

[Matt McCusker]

Like the one that kicked the boy. You don't want that. One that kicked the boy can get his kid back. When you turn 18, son, you're gonna get your get back on that robot that kicked you. His robot pussy.

[La Bear]

That kid's gonna be the Terminator. I bet he's gonna save us. John Connor.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, we were talking earlier. That kick must have hurt so bad.

[Nate]

It didn't look like a mistake either. It looked like perfect to the gut.

[La Bear]

That kick was. The kick was intentional. I don't think the kid was supposed to be the target, though.

[Matt McCusker]

So it was like a turnaround. I saw the kick. It was like a turnaround. It wasn't a dance kick.

[La Bear]

It was like a tornado kick.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, that was like a MMA kick. If he hit him with one of these like that out and in. I was hitting the out and in so hard last night after I saw

[La Bear]

the Michael Jackson movie if a roommate. If a robot hits the damn question mark kick, we're cooked.

[Matt McCusker]

I would fake. I would fall. I would fall right into it.

[La Bear]

Huh.

[Matt McCusker]

Also, it's metal, dude. You're just getting caved in, dude. I apparently, like. I mean, it's heavy machinery. It's different, but, like, getting hit with, like, metal. I've walked. It didn't even move. I was walking and it was a mini excavator and I Walked into the bucket and hit my head. I was. It hurt. I was like, ow. It's like no give whatsoever. So it's. If one of those machines just does digging and, like, nudges you a little bit, you go flying.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Because they're so strong, if you get hit with metal, dude, it's like, we gotta start putting some flesh and bone on those things.

[La Bear]

Yeah. And make them weak.

[Matt McCusker]

Maybe you have to. Maybe all robots have to be BBW safety. Although then they can crush you.

[La Bear]

Paradise.

[Nate]

That's.

[Matt McCusker]

Try to do you try to do a little, you know, smother play. Now you today.

[Nate]

Oh, Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

Let's do it.

[Nate]

Who the.

[Guest/Advertiser]

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[Matt McCusker]

Rocket Money. It's so overwhelming to organize finances for me personally because I just. I get so distracted with all the numbers.

[Guest/Advertiser]

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[Matt McCusker]

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[Sean]

Hell yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Guest/Advertiser]

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[Nate]

No way.

[Matt McCusker]

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[Sean]

No catch.

[Guest/Advertiser]

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[Matt McCusker]

Something like that.

[Guest/Advertiser]

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[Nate]

I watched that. I watched that guy's video. The. The fart guy you would tell. Oh, dude. Might be the best thing.

[Matt McCusker]

How's the interview? The interview is amazing. It's so good. What's the fart he talks about? Oh, you weren't. You were here last weekend. Last week. There's a guy. I'll just say a guy on software underbelly fart fetishes.

[Nate]

Oh.

[Matt McCusker]

Might have put out the best interview of all time. And they're talking in earnest about hearing. When he talks about gay farts.

[Nate]

I don't remember the gay farts.

[Matt McCusker]

They're talking gay farts. And he goes, well, that's like, part of the. There's, like, a privilege to being gay where, like, gay farts are way more abundant than straight farts. Lady farts are tougher. Yeah. Because if you want farts.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You're saying if you're gay and you have a fart fetish, you're in, you know, it's fart paradise.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Where it's just you. I mean, you can get more farts out of a guy.

[Nate]

I did see him go, like, hard, like, I'm not gay. When they asked him, like, what is he? And then he also got real. Like, he was like, I think I'm asexual, but I don't think that guy's asexual. I think he poured himself into just.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Hard normally.

[Matt McCusker]

I also don't know why a lot of those guys like to try to, like, think it necessarily has to do with their upbringing. Like, because his. His link to the upbringing was weak. It was just like, bro, if his mom, like, grounded him and farted on his head or whatever.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I think, all right, you have a fair case. But it was just like, yeah, my parents farted. It's like, it doesn't mean you're gonna want to. You're sexually into farts. My dad farted all the time. I can't. Again, I'm not. I'm a no go zone on lady farts.

[La Bear]

Dad's fart.

[Nate]

Dad was supposed to fart.

[Matt McCusker]

Dad's fart. You have to. I was. Dude, I was lighting it up last night so bad.

[Nate]

You're supposed to have your family on your couch and everyone feel your fart fart.

[Matt McCusker]

I. Dude, I. I was in the closet. I had to go into, like, the closet. I leave the bedroom, hit the closet, and just fart. And from our closet, my wife still could hear and be like, oh, my God, that's terrible. They were. They were hot.

[Nate]

Yeah, mine's been stinking too. They have not been bad.

[Matt McCusker]

You eat cheese?

[Sean]

Huh?

[Matt McCusker]

You eat milk and cheese?

[Nate]

I do, but it's never been a problem. And I don't do too much of it. Like, you know, I get a little pizza sometimes.

[Matt McCusker]

You know, the percentage of people lactose intolerant is.

[Nate]

It's crazy high.

[Matt McCusker]

It's like 60 to 80%. That's the thing too. Everyone's I, I, I'm among them. If I, I, if I have milk or cheese pasteurized, I fart. Even if I have raw cheese, I fart so hard I can have raw milk. I have no side effects.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If I have pasteurized milk. You know, everyone talks about other stuff and you can get whatever a disease from raw milk. Nobody talks about the pasteurized milk farts. Like, they're crazy. It's like some of my worst is when I'm with dairy. I was doing it last night, it was hot farts all night. It took a half an hour off my sleep, dude. Because it's like I, I just, I dropped one in the middle of the night the night before. Woke the babe up again. Gave her like a sleep. I just ran it back. She woke up one.

[La Bear]

Oh.

[Nate]

I was like, God damn.

[Matt McCusker]

So then I was like, I'm not going to be a jerk. I got up, I was foreign. Or I'll do tiny. Like wait a little bit and I'll safely kind of push it out. But yeah, dude. Yeah. I also, I don't like girl farts. I almost want to see if we can come up with a drug to stop women from dreaming. I don't like girl dreams either.

[Nate]

We deal with them because you have to deal with them. The next weed.

[Matt McCusker]

Weed will do it. Yeah.

[Nate]

Julia smokes every day. She still has.

[Matt McCusker]

She, she still catches you in the dream realm. Hit.

[Nate]

Well, either she'll catch me with him, but either even worse, she'll just want to tell me about it. It'll just be a useless story.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate]

So if my dream, it's like, who gives a. It's not real.

[Matt McCusker]

I get, I get hit with like sleep interrupters where I'll be like, I'll be just drifting off. And then last night, Britney woke up and went like, I'm never getting these nails ever again. They're hot. They're hot. And I'll do it. Go to bed. I literally get angry. I'm like, go to sleep. That was a dream. And she just falls asleep. But she wake up with non. It's literally nonsense. It makes no sense. And I'm like, in that perfect thing, I'm like, oh, I'm drifting apart. It'll be like, oh, what's happening? I'm like, shut up. And I can say anything because she's not as it's not awake. I can literally be like, shut up. Go to bed.

[La Bear]

She's like, why are you so.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm like, dude, I need to, I need to Stop this mechanism.

[La Bear]

You know, you got to put like a. Like a soft cushion here. So when she wakes up, she hits it and then goes back to sleep.

[Matt McCusker]

That would be nice because I can't stand the wake ups. Kill me. What's happening?

[La Bear]

Catch her right before she goes, shut up.

[Sean]

My lady scared the hell out of me the other day with one of those. She woke up and she goes, sean doesn't know it right now, but the camera's filming him. He's on camera right now. And I was like, like what? She just kept babbling about it, and I realized she was asleep. And I go, you're scaring me.

[Nate]

Go back to the.

[Sean]

And then that morning, I woke her up with a fart.

[La Bear]

Get back. That's a good morning.

[Sean]

Hitting her with the. The cockadoodle do fart.

[La Bear]

That's a good fart, dude. To wake up.

[Nate]

Fart.

[Matt McCusker]

Cockadoodle poo. I. That's. I spend. At least 1% of our conversation is she's unconscious and being like. And I'm like, dude, stop it. Stop it now. No, stop it. It's not real. Go to bed.

[Sean]

That's a check.

[Matt McCusker]

Just fall asleep. It's like, fuck.

[La Bear]

I didn't realize how, like, girls spiral without men. Like, if it's just like, girls by themselves, they're like.

[Matt McCusker]

It would take them, like, a day to realize that that was the street. My grandfather was. A demon was keeping me out of the house.

[Nate]

There's no one to tell him it was a dream.

[Matt McCusker]

I had some dudes as a dude that's like, you know, like straight wolves became domesticated dogs because they would, like, lay by the thing and wake up and be like, hey, people are coming. Yeah, that's how dudes got to get that. They got to lay there. Yo, it's not real, dude. I was fucking just like, I was staying up later because I'm a guy and I just chill and you fall asleep.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You just tell you you're just peacefully sleeping. Like you're not being attacked by a demon right now. Let me get some.

[Sean]

You sure?

[Nate]

I'm sure.

[La Bear]

I got a. I had a dream. I had a sequel dream. I don't even know what the fuck. Because, like, a couple of weeks ago I, like, dreamed about murdering somebody.

[Matt McCusker]

Dreams we've talked about.

[La Bear]

I know I have.

[Matt McCusker]

Who?

[La Bear]

You. That's why I can't watch, like, upset, like, horror movies. Because if I watch horror movies, I'm going to have, like, nightmares about it. And I'm just going to be like, all right. I guess I live with the terrifier now. But yeah, I don't know who it was. I don't know what happened. I killed somebody and then like this week I was hanging out with you guys. We were somewhere on the beach or on the lake and then a cop came after me and I was like, all right guys, I gotta go. Don't worry about it.

[Matt McCusker]

You know what you're saying?

[Nate]

Yeah, I had one of those.

[Matt McCusker]

I don't know what it was.

[Nate]

I remember I killed somebody. I think I like. I think it was like for my babe or something like that. It would be disposed of the body.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you touch her and die, huh? Touch her and die is a romantic trope. Toucher and die is one of the things women are really into. If like. If like someone touches this lady, you kill her enemies. The lovers touch her and die. There's a bunch of these things. They're very funny that in the dream

[Nate]

I didn't get arrested, but I just was paranoid about the murder from the past dream. I was like, oh shit, I haven't even been thinking about this. It's been like three weeks.

[Matt McCusker]

I know they're on my ass. That was me.

[Nate]

It was just knowing that they gotta be coming soon.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

And I woke up at like 8 in the morning. I was like, are these. Am I. Did I kill someone in my sleeping. Arrested?

[Nate]

I just made fun of my babe telling. Talking about dreams that aren't real. Just fully baby out.

[Matt McCusker]

It happens, dude. It's their fault. They see put. You're in the field, you're absorbing all the. Dude, it's. I used to have prison dreams all the time. I used to have dreams that I was in prison, I was arrested, I got in trouble and I was just in prison. I'd have to. Every time I'd be in jail, I'd be like, I can get out of here. I'm like, this is so dumb the way this is set up. I can definitely get out of here.

[Nate]

You have a breakout.

[Matt McCusker]

I remember it'd be like I could just walk out, but then I just like get out. And they'd be like, hey you're. It was like very. Everything was very slow. And they'd be like, like you're supposed to be in jail right now. And I'd be like, oh, go back to jail. Then walk back out and be like, haha.

[Nate]

Was this in the trapping days?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, I would always get in trouble. I would get in trouble or I'd have like a pound of weed in my basement that I had to get out. But There was like, cops surrounding my house. So I'd have to. In my sleep, I'd be like, all right, I'll put a little bit in this thing and put it out here. And I would just constantly try to. And they'd be coming in and out, trying to find it. I'd be like. It was like, I'd have non stop stress dreams the entire time.

[Nate]

Time.

[Matt McCusker]

It sucked. And I. I remember my heart rate would, like, I'd wear an apple watch to sleep and I would get like 130 heart rate in. In sleep all the time. I don't get it. Now I'm chill.

[Nate]

That stinks.

[Matt McCusker]

It's bad for you.

[La Bear]

Yeah. I don't have.

[Nate]

I feel like I almost never have, like. Like for real, for the most part. Like, I rarely have dreams that stick with me anymore.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, I don't know if it's my.

[Nate]

My lady will. She'll have them every night. And, like, would tell me about him if I let her. I'll, like. It'll be like, oh, I had a dream last night.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate]

And it'll stand out to me every

[La Bear]

time I have a dream. It means I'm.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Wake up in the middle of night, like, oh, I gotta. Gotta turn these off.

[Matt McCusker]

I. I used to have big. We were being invaded by China dreams.

[Nate]

I still have those.

[Matt McCusker]

Where it'd be like, we would just be battling. It'd be like a war. I'd be in a city, it would turn into a war zone. Like, Russia and China were attacking us.

[La Bear]

Dude, I was at the wall. I was like, why am I at the wall? Like, not the Great Wall, the, like, border wall.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, really?

[La Bear]

Yeah, I was like, why am I at the wall? And there's all Chinese people

[Matt McCusker]

at the wall.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It is like China tries to get into our country. They, like, walk through Mexico and they're like, God damn it. It's a fucking. When? When?

[Nate]

Bay. Remember that Beirut explosion? That was like crazy big when that happened. There was like a part of me that was like. That wasn't. That wasn't a factory. That was a little nuke, like, for, like. And I had like a couple, like. Like a week or so of just waking up. And it was. The sun will be coming through the blinds in a weird way, but it'd be the first thing I see. And I would think it's just like, nuke.

[Matt McCusker]

White hot flash.

[Nate]

Like, white hot flash. And I'm like, what,

[La Bear]

you fart first?

[Matt McCusker]

I. I got. Last night, I had sex. Thank God I was sick. And then I was holding in. I had those nasty dairy farts.

[Nate]

So I was.

[Matt McCusker]

I was like. I just sucked them into my body. I was like, I can't fart during sex. So I successfully, successfully, literally, like, absorbed all my farts, had sex. Thank God I didn't fart while I was coming. It'll happen to me. That'll happen to me. Yeah. Wait, you. You'll see. Turbo, bro. It's happening. I can't tell you how many times I've fought doing hand jobs. Especially there's hand jobs. You're like, whatever, I'm up. You're like, it's never happened to any of you guys.

[Nate]

Oh, man. I definitely had to, like, think about not farting recently.

[Matt McCusker]

It's happened to me many times.

[La Bear]

I've definitely pushed a fart, too, in the mattress.

[Sean]

I've clenched before.

[Matt McCusker]

So I made it navigated through. Nice. No come farts, polish, obviously. And then I go. Immediately afterwards, I walked into the bathroom and just was like. Just completely let it out. And it was. I mean, damage was done. It was over.

[La Bear]

Was it more satisfying to cut me?

[Matt McCusker]

Just be like, oh, it was nice. Yeah. I walked in and I was. I was like, holy, dude. I got a little glimpse of paradise. Yeah. The fat farts. Yeah, that guy was swimming in some fat farts.

[Nate]

He probably loved him.

[La Bear]

Hog heaven.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was talking about the guy who ran Paradise. Although maybe not check his testimonials. Maybe he's like, didn't like the farts whatsoever.

[La Bear]

You know, when the cop. I remember the cop from the dream, like, it was like a lesbian lady with blonde hair. And I don't know why it was that lady, the short hair. It was like a dyke cop.

[Nate]

You were like a white lady. Black lady.

[La Bear]

It was a white lady.

[Sean]

White lady.

[Nate]

Cool.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Dang. You had a white lady cop on your ass.

[La Bear]

Yeah. I don't even know why. Oh, I was watching Midwest Safety. I think that's what happened. I was watching Midwest Safety. It was. It was so funny. There was this one, this racist guy. I know he was a racist because, like, he fought black guys and he was, like, harassing them. That's what the cops. So they go. He gets beat up, he gets hit in the haze, bleeding from his head. He's in his house, they go. The cops go to his house, and he's like, you gotta let me go outside.

[Matt McCusker]

I saw that guy. Well, also, when I heard.

[La Bear]

The whole time he was ramping up to the N word, he didn't hit it. He hit it for sure. He hit It A couple times, he

[Matt McCusker]

had the stars and bars in his house. They go into his house, full stars and bars. And he's just in there like, I want. I want outside. Now that I love people. They don't say, I want to go outside. I want outside. He kept hitting it and hitting it, and they were like. And they were like. He's like, that black punk outside. I'm going, all right. He's working. He's coming.

[La Bear]

He's so fast.

[Matt McCusker]

The coffee machine's percolating right now.

[Nate]

That's when you go take a side bet with some. Somebody real quick. Over and under.

[Matt McCusker]

He says, oh, yeah, well, you said racist. You know, it's like, racist guy gets, you know, beat up by the police. So I'm. I'm going like, all right, let's see. Everyone watching it for the same reason. Let's see how. See how he does this.

[La Bear]

And the black guy on the C is like, hey, man, I literally love you. Look like his homie ain't nothing but love. I don't think they're homies.

[Matt McCusker]

I think he shoved. Well, they shoved them. Those guys could be bros, too. They're neighbors. Yeah, but he shoved them. That was the thing. That guy shoved the black dude. The black dude gave him a big weld on his head. He was bleeding.

[La Bear]

He had a. It was Waylon Jennings on the Confederate flag. And it said something like, if slavery wasn't here, we would have made it.

[Matt McCusker]

Did he really say that?

[La Bear]

Oh, he calls his mom. The video starts. Mom bring everybody.

[Matt McCusker]

Bring the whole family.

[La Bear]

It is.

[Nate]

That's a scary phone call. We stand the next.

[Matt McCusker]

No, his mom shows up.

[La Bear]

Come on. He's like, mom. He's, like, getting mad at the cops. He's trying to resist the rest. He's like, girl, you. You're hurting me, Mom.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, most of those Midwife safety videos, it's a grown man. They get arrested. They go, mom. It literally is like. It's an attitude. Adult Tampa dancer. It's like you've. You're beyond your faculties, and you're just being like. Just like your parents. So you have, like, zero power.

[Nate]

That must feel good. Get out. A full adult span, probably honestly cry for mommy.

[Matt McCusker]

And then they're like, you know you're gonna jump. I don't give a. I don't care. Every single time. And you're just getting to do full. Like, imagine someone trying to hold you down. You. He gets to go, I literally remember my older brothers beating me up and being like, that's the best.

[La Bear]

Just projectile Nurses.

[Matt McCusker]

Little brother, kick. That's the last defense before you get your ass absolutely beaten. Dude, pass your guard, fry. Dude, fried.

[La Bear]

I saw another crazy one. It was like this Hispanic guy, he trapped this white lady in the house. But, like, he, like, chained her to the floor.

[Nate]

Ooh.

[La Bear]

Like, it was like. Like he had chained. He had, like, rooms in his house. And, like, it was crazy. But my thing was, I feel like they did it to people together. And then she cheated on him. Cause these both. These both look like pieces of shit.

[Matt McCusker]

They should have never unchained her.

[La Bear]

Yeah, well, the cops unchained her.

[Matt McCusker]

Cops unchained her. She's gonna fucking cheat on this guy again.

[La Bear]

Well, that's what he said. He was like, she cheated on me. She was being dramatic. And chained herself himself. And then he left. Yeah, but then she, like, kicked out the window and called, like, the neighbors,

[Nate]

called the cops, kind of believe him. Him said she was a Spanish.

[La Bear]

He was Spanish. I believe him more because he. Because then the cop showed up, they arrested him, and he was like, I told him, I'll be in on Monday.

[Matt McCusker]

So him and his babe. His babe was chained up when the cops got there?

[La Bear]

Yeah. Like, it was like.

[Matt McCusker]

He was saying she chained herself.

[La Bear]

Yeah, because she was being dramatic because she cheated on.

[Nate]

Around the neck. Like. Like just a chain wrapped. Or like a lock would.

[La Bear]

Like, it was a master lock in the chain, and then it was, like, bolted into the ground. Like, master locker chain. But also, the whole house was, like, made so nobody can escape.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

Like, there was secret rooms. There was, like, the. The front door was locked on the inside and outside. So you needed an inside key and an outside key.

[Nate]

Okay.

[La Bear]

Yeah. So, like, nobody.

[Nate]

You think they were double murder.

[La Bear]

I think they were doing it together. And then she cheated on him, and he was like, you. And then she was like, it could change.

[Matt McCusker]

I could change.

[La Bear]

And he was like, no, I'm leaving. And she's like, I'm gonna chain myself up.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, but how did she call the cops chained up?

[La Bear]

She kicked out the window and yelled out the window, like, hey, help. You chained me up.

[Matt McCusker]

Try to be a nice guy and give your girlfriend long chains.

[La Bear]

I. I'm full Internet sleuth, dude. I'm about to solve everything. I'm solving all the crimes.

[Matt McCusker]

How do you know? But here's the thing. That's an unsolvable crime. You're out in the house. House.

[La Bear]

I can smoke, but you can.

[Nate]

I can smell it.

[La Bear]

I can sniff suspicion.

[Matt McCusker]

You're saying you can. You can look at. You can get Context element. Yeah. What is it called? Elementary, my dear Watson.

[La Bear]

Yeah, she seems. Because it's like.

[Matt McCusker]

It wasn't like she changed herself.

[La Bear]

Well, I don't think she chained herself. I think they were chaining people together, and then she tried to get out of it, or she cheated on them to get out of their relationship. And then, like, I think he chained her up because he was like. Or she was.

[Matt McCusker]

Or the way he said, it's gotta suck as, like, a bondage Dominator to, like, have your sub obviously try to spaz out. Yeah. The term subspace makes me laugh so hard. The subspace is where, like, when you're. You're the sub, but you're subbing out, you're being domed so hard, you just, like, lose all sense of time. You enter subspace. It's apparently a thing. Subspace, subspace and time. But if you were dom. If you're in dom space, but then your sub cheats on you, it's funny to be like, good little kitten. Be like, actually, that actually hurts my feelings. I'm actually really torn up about the fact that you cheated on me. I'm at. Can we. Can we time out for a second? I'm really broken up about this. But then maybe she was. Maybe she needed brat correction. So if you're really a true dom, you would just correct the bratty behavior.

[La Bear]

Chaining her up.

[Matt McCusker]

Why'd you chain her up? This guy was textbook dumb. This dude.

[La Bear]

He didn't leave for, like, three days.

[Matt McCusker]

He, like, oh, no. Yeah, that's no snack.

[La Bear]

I think he left because he got a call that the cops were at his house.

[Matt McCusker]

You gotta leave some chickaboo and popcorn for. You gotta leave yogurt and chickaboo and popcorn and a tv. And I think you could. I think you could change your babe up. I think you could change it for, like, a month. Chicken.

[Nate]

Boom.

[Matt McCusker]

Low calorie, sweet kettle corn yogurt and, like, some sort of bev and a TV. I think you could chain a woman for 30 years.

[Nate]

They might not even notice they're chained up.

[La Bear]

Like, if you keep replenishing the popcorn and drinks, you put on, like, housewives. You put on every season of Housewives in order. They would never know.

[Matt McCusker]

Go to hang out with a friend and be like, the. Oh, I'm being domed right now.

[La Bear]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

A babe will chill, man. They will chill so, so hard.

[La Bear]

That might be my dude.

[Matt McCusker]

She's constantly like, I wish we could, like, stay in bed all day. I'm like, I would throw up. If I lay down.

[Nate]

I Can't.

[Matt McCusker]

I can't stay. I. I can't. Until I die, I don't think I'll lay down during the day for another. For the rest of my life. I would go nuts if I just laid there like this, watching television.

[La Bear]

It was like, that's the dream, bro.

[Nate]

Just laying on your pillows up.

[La Bear]

I want to lay my. Lay on the couch all day.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, I panic, dude. I remember when I used to have a sick day. For me, it was like the morning was when I didn't want to go to school. So I'd be like. Like, mom, I have diarrhea. And I would get out of school, and I'd be like, yes, I'm out of school. But as the day went on, I'd slowly get filled with the sense of dread, and I'd be like, what have I done? And my cousin would come home like, here's your work for today. And I'm like, this is all I missed. It'd be like a sheet of, like, spelling words. I'm like, okay. But I. I would get, like, panicked by the time the afternoon came. I'd be like, society's moving on without me. I literally. I would feel like I've been left behind. Yeah, I'm. I'm worthless. My schoolmates have left me behind. I'm now an ignoramus laying in bed. I don't know what they know.

[La Bear]

My friends forgot about me because they faked his diarrhea Glasses moved on.

[Nate]

I love a good excuse to be lazy, though, like, when you don't have the other.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, a snow day is nice. I'll take a snow day.

[Nate]

Rainy day.

[Matt McCusker]

But then back. Back in the day, I'd be like, the girl with the biggest tits doesn't even know me anymore.

[Nate]

She might have wore a lotion shirt today, for all I know.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. Oh, today was a spring uniform. That means golf shirts. Oh, boy.

[La Bear]

Man, I couldn't imagine not to. Couldn't imagine being in, like, horny times with the things the girls wear nowadays. When I was in.

[Nate]

You know, I'll be in that young.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, it's got to be crazy. I was just talking to Brittany about. About spandex. I was like, you do realize spandex in public is crazy. It's so crazy that that's nuts, let alone because, like, we're talking Spanish.

[Nate]

You mean, like, leggings? Or, like, leggings?

[Matt McCusker]

I'm like. I'm like, leggings are like. Like, I'm like, I get it. But it's like, that's still wildly Revealing. It's like you see the contours of, like, the butt and your. And you know.

[Nate]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Most times a big old camel toe. And I'm going like, it's not crazy to, like, tie something around the waist. Like, that's. It's not, it's. It's understandable because it's like you're, you're out. You're completely on display. And then like, well, I just don't think. And then we walked past a lady who had her butt cheeks hanging out of shorts, and she was like, I can't believe that person's out there. Right? And I was like, like, was. It's like spandex. That's the next evolution. I was like, everyone's dressing like prostitutes used to dress. Yeah. If you wore spandex in the 80s outside, be like, this is a hooker.

[Nate]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

If you wear your butt cheeks out. And now, like in the 90s, 2000s, butt cheeks out was hookers. Now regular ladies are adopting hooker technology.

[Nate]

And I'm like, see through is getting big. I see it a lot now.

[Matt McCusker]

It's going to be see through. It's. It's going to be. It's going to hit a point where it will obviously fly back. It already is. There's like the baggy mom jeans now.

[Nate]

Yeah. I do hate that, to be honest.

[Matt McCusker]

You hate baggy mom jeans?

[La Bear]

Is nice.

[Nate]

It does. It does nothing. Like, it. It really bumps me out.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, gives you a nice reset. You need a dopamine. I can't handle butt cheeks out of shorts and nipples. That's too much for me.

[Nate]

It is a lot. Like, I get it.

[Matt McCusker]

It's too much. It's too much.

[Nate]

I do celebrate. It's too much. It's a lot. It does. When I driving in New York, back in the day, I used. I used to be like, I know a wreck is coming.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. But if everyone starts doing that, it's going to be a problem. Problem.

[Nate]

I definitely think once you're off, like, once you're off the market. Spandex outside. Unless you're with your guy Spanx outside.

[Matt McCusker]

It's again, it's one of those things. I'm like, whatever. I'm just like stating, as a matter of fact, I don't like it. It's what hookers. It's what hookers used to wear.

[Nate]

If my lady was going out the house. And like, some of the, like, sometimes, I'm not gonna lie, I've seen them, like Instagram leggings that have the, the pre. Wedgie and pre wedgie's crazy. I go on Amazon. I go, where these around the house, please. I've hit the. The.

[Matt McCusker]

But the butt cupped spandex, it's like, it's crazy. I don't have like super strong. Like, dude, you can't. But I. I just see it and I go like, yeah. Well, it's. That's like your butt. Like, everyone can see your butt now. It's just. It's your butt. It's just instead of your skin, it's spandex. Yeah, but it's still your butt. Which in the future we're all supposed to. We're building towards all wearing spandex all the time. I understand that. I'm not going to fight against. I can't. You're gonna have to that. Otherwise we're never gonna be in the future. Dude, we can't stay baggy and claim to be in the future.

[Nate]

Oh, I hate the baggie, though. The new bagg come back around.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. That is kind of annoying too.

[Nate]

It feels crazy. Like I. And it's.

[La Bear]

It's oversized.

[Nate]

It's a. Yeah, it's the same as when we were younger. And you.

[Matt McCusker]

I remember Jenkos were so baggy.

[Nate]

Baggy jean shorts are back again.

[La Bear]

Like, get a 6L shirt. It's gonna look regular.

[Nate]

It's just gonna look regular now. It's gonna look.

[La Bear]

I mean on me.

[Nate]

I thought you meant like joke.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought you've been talking about fashion. We're talking. Seriously, we're talking. I want Talty's tales were the sickest things. I think if any fashion trend. I think tales might be the sickest ever.

[Nate]

There was. There was a small era that had like a middle ground that I love. It was like the sleeves were normal cut sleeves, but the tea went kind of long. It was perfect.

[La Bear]

You're wearing a dress.

[Nate]

It wasn't dress. It wasn't dressed. I walked into that. I put it on like, this is a dress the whole time. It hugs my waist.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[La Bear]

Shows your curves.

[Matt McCusker]

Like. Yeah. Put it on, hit like spins and it would fly up in the air. Well, guys, I believe we did it. Power hour. Thank you for everybody. Appreciate you guys. We'll. Yeah, man. We'll just keep on plugging along. So all we can do is plot along on this thing called life and rip Sheen. Wait for the robots. All just waiting to see if the robots really take our livelihoods and if, you know, see what happens with the war. Hopefully that stuff blows over and there's peace and that robots don't you know, take us away seems to be hanging over everybody's mind. And the robots, the robots in the war. I don't think the robot's going to take us over. And we're going to go into World War Three. Hopefully it doesn't happen.

[La Bear]

When the robots in war join together, that's when we're. That's what everyone's afraid of.

[Matt McCusker]

Or becomes battle bots non stop. And we just. Our food supply depends on how good our BattleBots program is.

[La Bear]

Each country has their own guy.

[Matt McCusker]

A couple battlebots wars. Maybe I'll be shredded. Finally being crushed by abundance right now. Well, bye, guys.

[Nate]

Peace.

[Matt McCusker]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.com it. Stitch fix. Stop shopping. Get styled. Not today, sweatpants. Somebody's wearing jeans that fit.

[Nate]

Wow. No photos, please.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm just a regular dad who happens

[Nate]

to have a stylist.

[Matt McCusker]

I really look my best when someone else makes the decisions. Hey, we can all see you two way mirrors. Just share your size, style, and budget.

[Sean]

Budget.

[Matt McCusker]

And your stylist sends personalized looks right to your door. Stitch fix. Get started [e-mail]. i want to hug you. I'm gonna hug you. I'm gonna. I'm coming in for a hug.