Ep 623 - The Good Guy Weed (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast: Ep 623 - The Good Guy Weed (feat. Lemaire Lee)

Date: July 2, 2026
Guests: Lemaire Lee

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Episode Overview

This episode finds Matt, Shane, and guest Lemaire Lee in classic, loose form, riffing on everything from the World Cup and weird food facts to the social oddities of aging rockstars and football coaches dating younger women. Their wide-ranging, fast-paced banter touches on nostalgia, philosophy, American culture, and, as always, a healthy dose of irreverent humor. Lemaire’s presence brings a fresh layer of stories, including tales of unboxing videos, streaming, and fart aversion.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. World Cup Fever and the Money Mindset

[00:00-03:37]

• Matt describes his super “productive” morning full of video games and soccer.
• Group jokes about America's improbable chances at winning the World Cup:
  • "We're going to hopefully play Belgium in the next round. If we get past Bosnia...then Spain, France, Argentina." (A, 01:07)
  • Chat about the Axis powers all being out: “Italy didn’t make it. Japan and Germany, they’re all out.” (A, 01:47)
• Commentary on how Americans don’t “really care” about soccer, poking fun at the possibility of the U.S. winning.

2. Local News vs. Podcasting: Podcast is the New Local News

[04:11-04:57]

• Realization: “This show...is bigger than local news shows.” (B, 04:18)
• They riff about how their podcast, despite its informality, reaches more people than local or even regional news, likening their banter to community news coverage.

3. Oysters, Procreation, and Animal Facts

[05:04-07:41]

• Shane drops a knowledge bomb that most oysters are alive when eaten, and explains oyster procreation:
  • “When you eat an oyster, it’s alive…it’s holding the shell together.” (B, 05:09)
  • “They just jizz out...they jizz a mist.” (A, 06:39)
• Digression into how eating live oysters might be “sexually charged,” and musings about whether oyster “spray” would taste good.

4. Weird Foods and Jackass Nostalgia

[09:00-14:54]

• Discussing myths around Red Bull and taurine, and whether taurine comes from “bull cum.”
• Extended Jackass nostalgia:
  • Discussion of drinking animal semen on Jackass (“Chris Pontius is always drinking cum…he drank horse cum, the one time…” D, 12:24).
  • Affection for Bam Margera and memories of seeing him skate and around Westchester (“When I see him on the board I get, for real, like, yes, yes, yes.” B, 13:54)
  • “It was like a god among us. We’re like, dude, dude. I heard he has like four sponsors.” (B, 14:27)

5. Aging Rock Stars & Football Coaches Dating Younger Women

[16:24-24:39]

• Long riff about how musicians and athletes age, and the awkwardness/absurdity of older men with much younger girlfriends:
  • “When you’re 50 and you see a hot 22 year old…chaos, dude.” (A, 17:08)
  • “Your fear of death and your horniness just merge…” (B, 17:44)
• Focused debate about Bill Belichick’s relationship with a much younger woman, societal reactions, the philosophy of aging desire, and the virtue of restraint:
  • “If you’re 70 and she’s 20, you’re doing the thing that everyone’s not allowed to do…” (B, 20:34)
  • “Society looks at it that way... you’re an unfortunate victim.” (B, 17:58)

Notable exchange:

• B: “The only path to true happiness is virtue. If you’re 70 years old, it’s a beast. That’s not a good life, dude.” (21:34)
• A: “Are you gonna get morals at the end? Now that I’m 75, it’s time for me to stop enjoying the things I used to like and read a good book and fall as and die, now.” (26:24)
• Light-hearted side: Ric Flair is praised for embracing his aging party animal status.

6. Public Kinks, Virtue, and Socratic Philosophy

[30:16-51:54]

• Shane brings up Socrates’s “itchy butt” analogy regarding endless, unsatisfying pleasure:
  • “If you had an itchy butt for your whole life and you scratched the itch...is that truly pleasure?” (B, 30:19)
• Revisit of Bill Belichick’s relationship and whether “public kink” is gross or just “living his life.”
  • “It’s heavy public kink.” (B, 51:53)
• Dive into the ancient world’s “blind spots” in virtue (pederasty, etc.), with comic asides about Greek philosophy and pervy mentoring.

7. Legends, Social Decay, and Charlottesville

[52:55-54:50]

• Lemaire reports on a visit to Charlottesville (“Unite the Right” riot town), only to find it’s now "all bookstores and candles, a full girl town."
• “No Gamestops...they did replace us.” (C, 53:46)
• Riff on “banned” tiki torches tied to cultural memory of Charlottesville protests.

8. Heroin, Homeless Strength, and The Nodding Out Mystery

[56:23-58:38]

• Musings on heroin users and the “heroin lean”:
  • “I’m looking into the science of how they stay upright. It’s pretty impressive.” (A, 57:01)
  • “Maybe heroin rules. Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe it makes you better at balancing.” (B, 58:31)
• Noting the surprising physical strength of homeless people (“You ever see a crackhead carry a fridge?” C, 57:39)

9. Lemaire's Secret Unboxing Hustle & Streaming Reluctance

[61:02-66:42]

• Lemaire reveals he does unboxing videos for Temu and Japanese food shops, but is “against streaming.”
  • “It just feels like [streaming] will ruin games for me.” (C, 64:43)
• His secret life of getting free stuff for product reviews is exposed.
• Discussion of “fart Maxo” unboxing idea, which Lemaire resists, and shame/fear around farting.

10. Fart Philosophy, “Morning Blowouts,” and Bodily Truths

[68:29-77:01]

• Long and hilarious wind-down about farting, shame, and personal fart routines:
  • “Why won’t you fart? What the hell?” (B, 69:19)
  • “Being so embarrassed the whole time... Did you order that dumb dog candle off Teemu?” (A, 71:19)
• “Morning blowout” rituals, pride vs. embarrassment in bodily functions.

11. Late-Night Philosophical Weed Spiral

[72:16-74:26]

• Shane and Matt describe getting too high and spiraling about the infinity of "stuff" in the world:
  • “There is endless stuff.” (B, 73:09)
  • “What if stuff is also infinite?... So much stuff.” (B, 73:31)
• Cosmic dread, led by “good guy weed.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the U.S. World Cup campaign:
  • "If we win, it’ll be so funny. Just because we don’t really care about soccer. Impossible." (A, 00:57)
• On oysters:
  • “When you open its shell, that’s like, kind of like the KO.” (B, 05:29)
• Virtue and old dudes dating young women:
  • “The only path to true happiness is virtue.” (B, 21:34)
  • “Find what you love and let it kill you.” (A, 26:21)
• On podcast as news:
  • “This show...is bigger than local news shows.” (B, 04:18)
• On farting:
  • “You must be full of farts. Dude, you are chock full of farts.” (A, 68:39)
• On stuff being infinite:
  • "I bugged out on the amount of stuff. What if stuff is also infinite? And I was like, oh, so much stuff, dude." (B, 73:31)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:00–04:57: Morning routines, World Cup, U.S. soccer grievances, local news vs podcast reach
• 05:04–07:41: Oyster eating/procreation facts, food digressions
• 09:00–14:54: Red Bull myths, Jackass memories, Bam Margera stories
• 16:24–24:39: Age gap relationships, NFL legend romance debate, virtue philosophy
• 30:16–51:54: Socratic itch analogy, Bill Belichick discussion, public kink and ancient Greek culture
• 52:55–54:50: Lemaire’s Charlottesville report, bookstore town transformation
• 56:23–58:38: Heroin users, homeless strength, balancing on drugs
• 61:02–66:42: Lemaire’s unboxing videos, resistance to Twitch/streaming, deeply personal fart routines
• 72:16–74:26: Weed-induced anxiety about infinity of “stuff”
• 76:07–77:27: Closing farts, going out on bodily honesty and gratitude for the episode

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Tone, Language & Style

• Conversational, crude, and self-deprecating.
• Classic riffing, blending absurd, philosophical, and observational humor.
• Occasional heartfelt moments (nostalgia for Bam, reflection on vice and age).

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For the Uninitiated: Why Listen?

This episode distills Matt and Shane’s brand: uproarious sets of tangents, whip-fast banter, running gags about food and bodily functions, but also surprising depth when riffing on virtue, aging, and life’s purpose.
Whether it’s American sports, canceling urban legends, or celebrating the joys of a good morning fart, this episode has it all—with a heavy lacing of “good guy weed.”

Transcript

[A]

The wild, wild West. Yeah, I had to. For some reason. I Woke up at 7am so I'm ruined.

[B]

It's the way to do it.

[A]

I don't know how. Yeah, I understand why. A lot of times we're doing the podcast, I look over and you're like, yeah, yeah, dude, I get it. Normally, I woke up an hour ago.

[B]

Just.

[C]

You're just coming to said the money mindset this morning.

[A]

Dude, I did have the money mindset.

[C]

You had to get up and grind.

[B]

We fired up, I got up and grinded. We're podcasting, dude, what if I said my Social Security number we were.

[A]

I would have the money mindset.

[B]

You did.

[A]

Woke up, played NCAA football for three hours. So got that out of my system. Now I can attack the day without distractions.

[B]

For sure.

[A]

Then I watched World cup soccer.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

So extremely productive.

[B]

Not bad.

[C]

I mean, watch World cup soccer after

[A]

this and then I'm gonna, at the end of this, watch World Cup Soccer.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

It's.

[B]

I mean, dude, it's the best coming home. The best game has got to come home to America.

[A]

It's got to come home to America.

[B]

Dude, if we win, it'll be so funny.

[A]

Just because it is. We don't really care about soccer. Impossible.

[B]

I know, but it'd be so funny.

[A]

We need some major upsets. We need.

[B]

Who do we gotta beat?

[A]

I saw today that technically the road for us to win would be like, we're going to hopefully play Belgium in the next round. If we get past Bosnia, we got Belgium, Spain, France, Argentina.

[D]

Sheesh.

[A]

Just is not gonna happen.

[B]

Yeah, that's tough countries.

[A]

Hold on. What was it Spain? No, but kind of. They were boys. Argentina, Belgium, he got Argentina, he lived in after. And France, he got.

[E]

So.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, so it's just us versus the Access.

[A]

The Access is already out, dude. The Access, the Access all got eliminated.

[B]

I didn't realize how much.

[A]

Italy didn't make it. Japan and Germany, they're all out.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, good.

[C]

Sweet.

[B]

Although I. I heard a lot of people from South America don't like Argentina. I didn't realize Argentina is pretty hated in South America.

[A]

Yeah, they're white.

[B]

Yeah. When I heard they're proud of it too. That's what I heard. I heard the Argentinians are proud of it.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. I have it on good authority that they're pretty mean to everybody else.

[A]

And so just south of the equator, you can.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. In Argentina you can, because you got that flare.

[A]

I think South Africa gets. Gets pretty.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Although any whites south of the equator. Australia used to. Now Australia's.

[C]

They've tried.

[A]

They're lived out.

[B]

Yeah. But no, the. I think. No, I think. I think in Argentina, you can just. If you're bilando like that, you can be like that bull. But there was a lady. There was a black South African R B lady, and they were like, oh, so how do you. As a black. You know, as a black, she's like, I'm South African. She kind of shut it down. Like, don't hit me with that. America check. I'm just African. Get out of my face.

[A]

Like that.

[B]

Yeah, it's kind of. Yeah.

[A]

So it's like tricky, stupid sea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is he a white UFC fighter? That's just like, I'm the only African here. Like, Nigerian fighters that live in America get mad.

[C]

Does he still. Yeah, he hasn't had a fight in, like, a year.

[A]

It's been a while.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you think about the Conor McGregor fight? What do you think's happening?

[A]

Oh, I'm excited.

[B]

Are you shocked of his physique?

[A]

I'm. I'm always shocked. No matter what he's doing. I go, holy. He's going nuts, dude. What.

[B]

Wait, what weight class is he fighting at? Is the usual.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Probably around 170.

[B]

That's his usual.

[A]

A little heavy for when he was great.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Max Holloway versus Connor. It's going to be a nice fight.

[A]

It'll be an awesome fight. I would love to go, but. Yeah, I cannot really lock in for the links. Dude. It can't be out in Vegas.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you see the.

[A]

I'll be there. You can turn on the tv.

[B]

Oh, oh,

[A]

I'm gonna do that. I was. Me and Blizzard, I was just standing in the pool. I was like, this is what I'm gonna do until the 17th. And then on the 16th, I'm gonna

[F]

go

[A]

slowly get out of the pool.

[B]

Go get your briefcase.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh. Scary.

[B]

So scary. What's crazy, too, is, if you think about it, this show, I never even thought about it till now, is bigger than local news shows.

[A]

What, our show?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Way bigger than local news shows.

[A]

This podcast.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

By.

[A]

It's. We've been bigger since, like, 2017.

[B]

I never thought about that, though. That's crazy. Local news, or even, like, let's say regional news is that thing. It's just crazy, all that. If you go to the local news station, there's so much hubbub in production. It's just crazy. I just, like, thought about now, like, damn, that's Crazy. It's weird. This is basically local news. Kind of like.

[A]

This is local news, which is nuts. We break down the local news.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Patreon, we covered it. That was the real one. We'll see how bad this goes from there. We could do have our own Dong Lamal.

[B]

Oh, dude, let me do a fun fact. This is. This actually is a. This fact me up. So do you guys like oysters?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you know when you eat an oyster, it's alive? Yeah, it's still alive.

[C]

What?

[B]

And when you're. When you're trying to open the oyster, the reason it's hard because the oyster is going like, no, and it's holding the shell together. So when you open it, it's like you can do it in a way where you kind of, like, cause it, like, you know, I guess, slightly less pain.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But if you do it kind of like, artfully, you can still feel the oyster, I guess it has, like, a pulse.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You can actually feel it on your tongue. But they're. They're living. When you open its shell, that's like, kind of like the ko.

[A]

They're like, ye. I don't think they're thinking too much.

[B]

Yeah. But still, they're still alive. It's crazy.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, they are actively fighting you. Like. No, no, no. Stop it. Starting.

[A]

You.

[F]

You.

[C]

Ow.

[B]

And you slurp them down. I just. That blew my fucking mind. I had no idea they're still alive.

[A]

I wonder how often they're. How often they're alive.

[B]

I think. I think they are alive. I think if you're serving dead oysters, they go bad really quick, and they can actually live out of water for, like, a pretty long time. So they're. I think the majority of oysters you eat are alive. Just cool to think about. That's why you get so charged when you eat them.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You get sexually charged.

[B]

Yeah. You ate a living creature. It's hot.

[C]

How do you think they come? How do oysters, like, procreate?

[B]

How do they procreate?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

From getting ripped open and eating, they probably come.

[A]

It's a great question.

[B]

Yeah. Can we get some.

[A]

Let's find out what's going on with oysters and other seemingly stationary creatures. Although oysters are probably moving around a little.

[C]

Yeah. One they've been eating.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

They just jizz out.

[A]

Jizz into the. They jizz a mist.

[B]

And it actually did that in the shower today. I brought yesterday. I broadcast spawn in the shower today. Very oyster. Like, it must have been the oysters I ate last Week took over my mind and body.

[A]

Miss.

[B]

We gotta spray this in the water. So they just. They just send it out there.

[F]

This is really quick read, but it seems like it's just eggs get shot out and sperm gets shot out and it just mixes.

[B]

Yo. That's such a good way to do it.

[F]

Yes. It's free swimming larvae is what it's saying.

[C]

Video of this. I bet we do oysters going.

[B]

And the girl oysters being like, that's not bad. That'd be a good dating like a subsection of Tinder where you just shake the dice. Two random people, you send out your seed. They like, oh, we mix it. You guys have a little nino. It's time to settle down. And you know, you settle down.

[A]

Yeah, we're not going to settle down.

[B]

Wife can become an Episcopalian.

[A]

I live a foot away. I'm never going to see her. I'm on the other side of this rock. I'll never see that again. I was just nutting, hoping to find something.

[F]

Says the when they're doing it too. Like the water gets milky. It's just like a milky mist of like eggs and sperm. It's just like a hundred million of them a year.

[B]

Has anyone ever eaten that? Probably because the oysters taste good. I'm venturing to guess that they're splooge is probably nice.

[C]

Delicious splooge and oyster milk.

[B]

Oyster milk would be nice,

[F]

huh?

[A]

When we eat steak.

[D]

Well, you said since oysters taste good, you think their milk would taste good. But we eat cows all the time and I don't think they're.

[A]

Well, what are you talking about? That's you named like the best example of milk.

[B]

He's talking about. He's talking about milk though.

[D]

Like, yeah, I wouldn't drink.

[B]

You've never had Cal Jizzo Fair.

[D]

Yeah. Sorry for bringing it up.

[A]

It's okay. I wouldn't be. I wouldn't thought if you for real goddamn dopers. Second podcast we do is always the doper.

[B]

These guys got to cut out the pot big time.

[A]

Taking over your life.

[B]

If you were to chug bull come might not be the best taste, but you would be turbocharged, dude.

[C]

You'd get stronger.

[B]

You would. And 100 get stronger.

[C]

Wasn't that Red Bull? Wasn't that like what was red in Red Bull originally?

[B]

No, dude.

[F]

Isn't it like Taurian?

[A]

I think it's just taurine. Is.

[F]

Isn't it like extract it from.

[A]

No, no. I think just the name is from Taurus.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not Bullcom.

[B]

I mean, look that we need. Oh, look that up. If taurine is Bullcom, there's I call it Bullcom.

[A]

There's no way. I think it's just the name.

[H]

Mornings have a rhythm. You can hear it, feel it. And at Quaker we fuel it with 100% whole grain oats and a good

[E]

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[H]

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[G]

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[G]

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[B]

I'd actually be curious if taurine derives from bulk, but then it would. It would derive from all come, right? There's no way bulls have superior come unless that's why people used to worship them back in the day. We have to say I don't know what the even is Taurine.

[C]

Dude. I saw a video of Burke reaction getting hit by a bull. It was not. It looked like it hurt so bad

[A]

when the Did Burke get hit by

[C]

a bull in like 2002?

[B]

He got hit by a bull? Yeah, dude.

[A]

I saw the new jackass.

[B]

How was it?

[A]

Knoxville gets one more bull in. Yeah, and it is terrible.

[B]

Was there anything in there that was like yes, super horrible?

[A]

Yeah, there was one I couldn't watch.

[B]

I heard there was one that there's

[A]

one that's like the grossest thing I've ever seen.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yikes.

[A]

It Was they all drink like colonoscopy laxative. Oh, and then wear Saran Wrap pants and play Twister. And then everyone starts and throwing up. Dude, it was. That was the worst one. I love Jackass. Dude. At the end of Jackass, I get emotional every single day. I love it so much.

[C]

Jackass3 makes me cry every time, every time, every time. At the end of that, they got the tribute to Ryan done. And then playing the Weezer song.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What about.

[D]

Chris Pontius is always drinking come. I was just watching the old episodes.

[A]

He did drink some come.

[B]

That's why it popped into my head.

[D]

He drank. He drank horse gum. The one time they put the fake coochie on the horse and then it, like, it in the. It fills up like a baby bottle of milk.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

That's so disgusting.

[B]

Did he throw up?

[D]

I don't think he threw up.

[H]

Everybody else.

[A]

Yeah, everyone else.

[C]

He's a come queen.

[A]

He is a bit of a company.

[B]

He might be my favorite the more

[A]

I watch the old movies.

[D]

He's so funny.

[B]

He's a semen Dean. It's also so. It's like an old circus. It's like you have acrobats. It's like, what do you do? It's like, I'll just drink all the cumming.

[A]

Oh, God.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Steve O's an ass man.

[B]

Yep, yep.

[A]

But Danger Aaron goes wild.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's been going hard the last couple. What's that?

[D]

Dave England?

[A]

Yeah. Those two are holding it down and

[C]

they're trying to get their checks.

[G]

Dude.

[A]

They are. But Knoxville, he had. He had one. And he's emotional the whole movie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is. It's really sad. I mean, it's nice.

[B]

That's the final one.

[A]

But it's. Yeah, allegedly.

[B]

It's gotta be.

[C]

But the third one was supposed to be the final one. Yeah, it was like four.

[A]

He always says it's the last one. This one. This one. Was it.

[B]

Was there any wham, bam, thank you, ma'. Am. Was Bam in there at all?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, they show like. It's. It's a lot of, like, old clips.

[B]

Got you guys.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm a big fan of Bam right now.

[A]

Yeah, of course. BAM rules.

[B]

I like what he's up to.

[C]

He's back skateboarding.

[B]

I know.

[C]

That's nice. I like it. I don't know why seeing him skateboarder makes me happy.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

That's awesome. Yeah, he's a man. It's his victory over his demons, dude.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

It's the best.

[B]

When I See him on the board I get for real.

[A]

Like, yes, yes, yes.

[B]

Just fucking 13 year old in me is like, dude, Bam's back. Yes. And was like the coolest guy I could ever think of for the longest time. I was like, dude, this guy is the best.

[A]

I used to get so hyped when they'd show Westchester. Yeah. I'd be watching Jack, I'd be like, that's Westchester. I've been there.

[B]

You're like, my boy actually knows that house. He drove by once.

[A]

I've been there.

[B]

Remember that? I was there at Boards and Blades. Bam came one time and we were.

[A]

It was like boards and blades.

[B]

Apollo must have.

[C]

It was.

[B]

It was insane. It was like a God among us. We're like, dude, dude. I heard he has like four sponsors.

[A]

And we're like, oh, you see, you'd see the purple Lambo in town when I was going to Westchester.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

There he is.

[B]

Oh, that's crazy.

[A]

Drive through that. You drive past that wawa by tires?

[B]

No, this is, this was what. He just was sponsored. And he was like a very nasty skateboarder. And then the thing came out afterwards, but everyone's like, dude, Bam is like the best skater in this area.

[C]

I used to work at a Burger King in Westchester and they would come by all the time. It's pretty cool.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, there's the one guy who didn't like mustard. I always offer him mustard. I can't remember his name.

[A]

Who didn't like mustard. And you also mustard.

[C]

I always offered a mustard. He was like, haha.

[A]

And he got, he got a kick out.

[C]

He liked it.

[A]

You're doing a little cky prank on them.

[B]

What time period? When were you serving the King from like.

[A]

Oh, wait, you went to burger in

[C]

Westchester and not in west town? Like down the highway around the grocery street? Yeah, near the, near the Giant.

[B]

You were, you were a surf in the burger. You were burger surf.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you. They jackass guys are roll in.

[C]

You'd be like, just come. You're like, ew. We man. I saw we man drive. Wee man would come in the drive through.

[A]

We man.

[C]

Yeah, he would come in the drive through and he had like pedals. He'd have like stilts.

[B]

It's fucking.

[C]

I met the lead singer of Lamb of God last week on like Wednesday. Just like at a bar in Virginia. He was just hanging out and I was like, oh, what's up dude? Yeah, that's pretty cool.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Sick. I'll be honest, the metal guys, I've never gotten into metal really? No. I wouldn't always hear they're like super nice and everything. I just wouldn't. I wouldn't even know.

[C]

I feel like they're like either really fun. Hangs are really tough hangs.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The metal guys.

[B]

It's also gotta suck if you're like, metal band starts doing well and you're just not like super angry anymore.

[A]

You're not evil.

[B]

They're like, all right, dude, get up there. And you're like. And you're like, dude, I just want to dance right now.

[C]

So.

[B]

Well, things are going good for me the first time I have a hot goth babe.

[C]

Yeah. I was thinking that about R B singers. It has to be like kind of sad to like, like sing about still in your 50s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know. I feel like 50 year old dudes.

[B]

True.

[A]

I think they all sing about like at all times.

[B]

Yeah. I think there's a slight dip for a minute and then you get old enough and you're just like, no, this

[A]

is back to just the horniest.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Once the babes. Yeah. When you're 50 and you see a hot 22 year old, it must be. Dude, you start chaos, dude.

[C]

One divorce.

[A]

Because you go through a phase where you're like, I'm too old.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you go through a phase where if I can this girl, everyone, everyone's going to support this. No one's going to think it's weird.

[B]

Yeah. You go, you go from being like, I'm like the oldest guy in this bar. I'm feeling like a creep. And then you're like, what. What college you going to, babe?

[A]

Yeah. Look at your friends. You guys are beautiful. Oh, God, what I'd give for a night with you.

[B]

I think your fear of death and your horniness just merge and they, they just combine into like the most powerful forces.

[A]

It also goes from you reach a certain like our age now we're tricking a young girl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But then when you get old, she's kind of tricking you a little.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

Society looks at it that way.

[B]

I. Yeah, I could see that. That's fair. You're a victim. You're an unfortunate victim.

[A]

You're unfortunate.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

They're like, he's.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

He's a rich old man. This young money grubbing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Actually shout out to him.

[B]

Yeah. It true.

[A]

You know what I mean? Everyone's going to Bill Belichick. And I was up there saying, what are we talking about?

[B]

I mean, I'll be honest, the Bill Belichick thing is it's, it's. He should just smash. My thing is like just smash on the low. The.

[A]

He, he's doing Instagram. He's laying. He's.

[B]

It's too horny. You have to if you want to do that. Totally understandable. Smash.

[D]

I don't care.

[B]

Clearly.

[C]

Also, think about all the time he sacrificed.

[A]

He won so many Super Bowls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's going to talk shit?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, man, I think it's weird. You're banging a young 20 fucking five year old hot chick. Why are you going to a cheerleading competition? Just like, bro, shut the fuck up.

[B]

Yeah, but, but I think it would just be after a while that will fade. It'll be, I'm having sex with a hot young chick. Awesome. The minute you're putting up with hot young chick bullshit at 70, it's just like, bro, kill me.

[A]

I bet he, I bet he can't process it.

[B]

No way. Anyone can understand. Actually. Yeah, shut up.

[A]

Like I give a.

[B]

Shut up.

[C]

I mean,

[A]

he's not a dude. He's not one of us. He's not going to be like, yeah, whatever you say. I'm sorry, you're right. No, you'd be like, yeah, yeah. Why don't you get out of my house?

[B]

You think maybe that's the news, hating on him. They make it seem like he's getting strung along.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Bill Belichick would say, guy win like that.

[B]

I, I will. Here's, here's what I'll say. Here's what. This is the one thing that I feel like is strange where it's like at. How old is he now?

[A]

Probably close to 80.

[B]

Yeah, my thing is like, I feel like you gotta find something else if you're still a sex guy at 80. It's like, it's, it's weird, bro.

[A]

He's the head coach of the True. But Yeah, he's only 74. All right. It's still horny. He's a head coach of North Carolina Tar Heels, bro. He's got a, he's coaching college football and banging a young. First off, they're all doing that.

[B]

Yes, that's true.

[A]

They all are. He's just the only one going on the gram other than what's his name at lsu. Lane Kiffin is freak boy.

[B]

I've heard, I've heard.

[A]

Shirtless post hot yogas with. It's crazy.

[F]

My.

[B]

I, I, I do think it's, I do think as a 70 year old guy, it's, it's the same thing. Like, that's why you shouldn't Kids. Because it's weird. There's a serious a, like asymmetry in age. If you're 70 and she's 20, you're doing the thing that everyone's not allowed to do that, but they're going, come on, man. What are you doing? I. I just think it's. I think it is weird getting a

[A]

60 year old, huh? You want him to bang a six year.

[B]

No, he's just got to completely stop. He's got to just give it up.

[C]

Is he divorced?

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

I'm telling you to give up having sex. Yeah, it's 70.

[C]

You got to have divorced or dead wife. That's how you get a young girl in 70. Divorced or dead wife.

[B]

It's weak.

[C]

Those are the only thing.

[B]

It's just get a hooker, get a hooker. If you want to go pure sex, get a hooker.

[C]

His bro got in trouble for that.

[B]

True. His brother did get crushed. He goes, all right, we're going to. We're going to go right to the source.

[A]

You're talking.

[B]

You're going to buy the cow.

[A]

Somehow you're wrong. This is the patriot way, bro.

[B]

I don't like it. I don't think it's good. You have to. The only path to true happiness is virtue. If you're 70 years old, it's a beast. That's not a good life, dude. Only.

[A]

That's not the good life. Not super bowl, couple Super Bowls, head coach of college team.

[B]

That's all. Stuff's awesome, just. But you have to go the way of virtue.

[C]

I bet you he's banging her friends too.

[B]

No, he's not. Dude.

[A]

He might be barely banging her.

[C]

No, I mean, he got the blue chew on deck.

[B]

I'm telling you, it's. He should be setting an example for young men to go, hey, guy. He should be on the Misty Mountain. That's just. I don't know, it's sad. I. There's something about it. This is my honest reaction. I'm not saying he could do it.

[A]

Forgot the other Patriots. You just gotta think about Rabel Patriot who's vable brable. He's got some scandal.

[B]

Does he really?

[C]

Dude, you just gotta like. It's like. It's like he's been working so hard his whole life. He had a wife. He wasn't focused on any of that. And then he's retired and now he's like, what the hell am I doing? Let me live. I'm rich. Let me hang out.

[A]

Let me be the best consumer. It's consumer mermaid. Instagram.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, that's hilarious. But just. This is just another Instagram. But seeing a 74 year old dude like posted up at like a farty, a party photo station,

[B]

There's something that strikes me as slightly sad about it. Young babes are obviously awesome. They are obviously.

[A]

You can definitely look at it that way.

[B]

I do it. No, it's just my natural reaction. I go, I don't like it.

[C]

We do have to hurt the value of young babes. They're too confident. They're too powerful right now.

[B]

You think so?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Nah, that's.

[B]

That's a. They're like gold, dude. They don't go down.

[C]

We need to get the babes in trade school.

[B]

I'm sorry to sour the vibe. I'm just being honest.

[A]

I just, I don't think you're sounding the bus.

[B]

See that? And I go, bell check. It's weird. And here's, here's the gauge. It's probably because I have kids, but I'm like, if my 20 year old daughter was dating a 70 year old, I try to stop. I do everything in my power to be like, no, don't do that. That guy, you're his sex doll.

[C]

But Matt, what if he had six super bowl rings?

[B]

It's bad. It's gonna end up bad. True. I hopefully, yeah. And I would be going, I hope this guy dies as soon as possible.

[A]

Do heroin and I hope he does heroin. I hope North Carolina goes 8 and 4, he does heroin and bangs a 25 year old.

[B]

It's philosophical rift. There's no way it's bad. It's genuinely bad. I would go, this is a bad thing this guy's doing. I would prey on his downfall the entire time. Like, I hope this guy dies. Now if he was dating my 20 year old kid, I go, I want this guy to die. Because he's being praised. It's. He's being. It's weird, but whatever. Sorry, I'm just, I'm just, I've been up too early. I'm thinking of my sweet kids. Dude, that's.

[A]

That's fair. But yeah, a hard line on this one. I like it.

[C]

What if it was like.

[B]

It's not even a hard line. I just think, I just think it's. I was like, it's weird.

[C]

What if it was like, certainly weird?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I don't think anyone thinks it's normal. That's why it's funny.

[B]

It's not. Yeah, I have the least funny take. I'm sorry. Actually, it's not nice

[C]

what if it was, like a legendary lesbian old lady coach? Would you have a problem then with your daughter?

[B]

100.

[A]

Anybody doing something weird with the daughter is definitely a no.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. I. I like the idea of a geezer going on like a vision quest, but it's like completely detaching and just going off like, Obi Wan. Obi Wan. And just. There's something about it, like on 80 year olds, like, gripping sensory pleasures. It's like, dude, let him go.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Gonna die. Let go of her titties, dude. You're gonna die.

[A]

Really?

[C]

I don't know, dude, but they're always like, at old ho. At old folks homes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also disgusting to think about.

[A]

Without a doubt, disgusting. But come on, man, you don't want. You don't want him to still have life.

[B]

He can have life. Well, this is.

[A]

Again, who are you to tell people not to have sex?

[B]

I'm not saying don't have sex. Trust me, as one who's been ruled by sexual impulses, it's never led me to a good place.

[A]

Is it because you're afraid? You were hoping someday to conquer the sexual impulse and to see a man fall to it. It brings you a little.

[B]

Perhaps. It might. It might just. It might just remind me of my greatest weaknesses and struggles in life.

[A]

To me, it's like, you know, seeing an old man smoke a cigarette or at the bar you go, peace, right, bro?

[B]

True. Yeah.

[A]

Find what you love and let it kill you.

[B]

It's true.

[A]

Are you gonna get morals at the end? Now that I'm 75, it's time for me to stop enjoying the things I used to like and read a good book and fall as and die now.

[C]

Maybe that's why Ric Flair rules, dude.

[A]

Yeah. Ric Flair rules.

[C]

He's.

[A]

I got hammered with Flair and he was pointing at chicks at the bar. Yeah, yeah. Don't get me wrong, it was like, what? Like, yeah, he's doing his thing.

[B]

It's just, you know, I'm getting old.

[A]

I'm getting a woo at the bar, doing a Migo's music video, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The dirt sheets were saying Ric Flair would get drunk and challenge people to planks at the bar. Like, old man Ric Flair would challenge people to planks. He'd do a five minute plank like, you owe me some beer.

[B]

Five minute planks. Nuts. Yeah, whatever. I've soured the cast. I'm sorry, dude, I've soured the cast.

[A]

There's.

[B]

I've absolutely nothing.

[A]

Nothing you're saying is incorrect. I just I like though who's. Somebody was just telling me this old UFC fighter as a bar there's. I like when like an old wrestler odf. Is it Liddell?

[D]

No, it's Tito Ortiz.

[A]

Ortiz.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

He's running Florida right now.

[B]

Yeah, he's gotta be. He's at a bar and he just posts up.

[A]

Yeah. Bartends.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Shots. Tells everybody. I'll beat the out of you.

[C]

Yeah, I knocked out Chuckle Dill once.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I mean you got to do something. I don't know, I just. I. I don't know.

[A]

Sure, you could be around for your grandkids or whatever, but them kids, dude, I'm gonna open a bar in Florid and die.

[C]

That's how Hulk Hogan died.

[A]

Yeah, Hulk Mania.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Didn't he open a bar down there? Yeah, Hulk mania rocks.

[B]

I'm telling you, I'm. I'm too virtue pilled right now. I'm too. Not. Not. And again, we're not talking about. Apparently in medieval time there was the virtues where you just do cool stuff and you'd be a noble. A noble person like this be bummed

[A]

out when you find out what they were up to. Back then they.

[B]

Well, they had. They had blind spots. Obviously they had blind spots. They did have blind spots. So I don't know. But it is, It's a sick idea. It's like, what else? Yeah, I don't know what else you do. I'm also a big. I don't feel like stuff like when good things happen. I'm like, okay, yeah, if I was 80 having sex with a 24 year old, it would just be gonna be sick the first couple times, obviously. But then I would just go, well, what else am I gonna do?

[C]

It wouldn't be sick the whole time, huh? It wouldn't be sick.

[B]

No, I know for sure. Not for sure not.

[A]

Because eventually it never is.

[B]

Yeah, eventually it's just like.

[A]

I mean, Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. You know, eventually you go, yeah, I could do something else. But he's got the season to look forward to.

[B]

He does have the season.

[A]

He's got a lock in for the Tar Heels.

[B]

I mean, dude, imagine. Okay, imagine.

[A]

Bit of a distraction.

[B]

So you know, she probably hit him with the like. So I was thinking maybe this weekend we go to my parents house. Imagine Belichick coming. Like, what the.

[A]

We got Clemson this week. We gotta.

[B]

You try to grill hot.

[A]

Honey, Honey, we gotta focus on Clemson. Yeah, she's occasionally on the sideline.

[B]

That's fair. That's fair. It's a Great program. She's probably good. Don't just say that's why they gave her the job. Dude. She's probably really good at what she does. What does she do?

[A]

Matt hit the virtue weed. He hit the good guy weed. Sorry, sorry. A little to that good guy.

[B]

I'm hung up on the virtue.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

We need people. Need not again, not just like the rule following kind of medieval virtue. I'm talking about truly. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I love that virtue. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean it is, it's the, you know again, it's the whatchamacallit. That was Socrates's big thing. He's like, dude, if you had an itchy butt for your whole life and you scratched the itch, but the itch remained, is that truly pleasure?

[H]

Sheesh.

[D]

Yeah, dude.

[B]

And I said, socrates, I have an itchy butt all the time. And no, it's not pleasure scratching. It's such a pleasure. Scratch is a pleasure, but the itch remains forever. So is that truly pleasure?

[A]

So then what? Yeah, what? So the itch is going to remain no matter what.

[B]

You got to clean your butt, of course.

[A]

But in that, in that analogy.

[B]

Oh, is that the highest good? That's the question. Is that the highest good? He's like, if the itch remains, is it truly the highest good?

[A]

No, it's like it can't be the highest good. But it definitely. If the itch is going to remain no matter what. And when you scratch it, it feels good.

[B]

True.

[A]

But get a little respite from the little. From the itch.

[B]

True. I mean, again, that, that was the other one. Dude, if there's too much.

[A]

But I don't think there's too much

[B]

tension on the boat.

[A]

I don't think a hot 25 year old girlfriend is an itchy butt.

[B]

I'd say they might. It could be itchy butt. The best version of an itchy butt

[A]

compared to a ugly seven year old wife. Yeah, they can be a real itchy butt.

[C]

Who knows?

[A]

Scratch.

[B]

They could be an itchy butt with zero scratch. They could be an itchy butt for sure.

[C]

And she knows everything about you. You know, an old 70 year old wife who knows everything about you. She can hurt you.

[B]

I think you would go, you would go post sex by 70. You're, you're not, you're going to be. I think you would move beyond it for the most part. Or you just get like a sad, you know, maintenance hand jobs.

[C]

Work on your garden.

[B]

I'm subscribing my life. See everyone in the gardening. Dude, I don't know what the. You guys are talking. Guys are jerks. Guys are jerks.

[A]

You got. You got to get ncaa. You got to run a program, run the Tar Heels. Lock in, live a day in the. You know, walk a mile in his shoes.

[B]

We should Freaky Friday, you and Bill. No, we should Freaky Friday. We should Freaky Friday, but just not.

[A]

I can't do anything other than what I do. I know what I do. I'm not. I can't.

[B]

No, we should Freaky Friday, but not switch bodies.

[A]

You just shove at my house like, hey, babe, I'm. I wonder how many days it would take for them to accept it. I think after a decade, they would be like, yeah, you could. That's.

[D]

Matt.

[B]

You could trick. You could. For real. If we both committed, dude, a girl would believe it in, like, three days. You're like, no, for real, it's me, babe. I can just tell you our anniversary. And she'd be like, oh, my God, it's you.

[A]

Yeah. She's like, yeah. If she asked, like, where'd you put the vacuum? I'd be like, I don't fucking know. She'd be like, it is you.

[B]

How the fuck should I know?

[A]

Yeah, you could trick women into a Freaky Friday.

[B]

Easy, easy.

[A]

We did Freaky Friday.

[B]

We. Freaky Friday. What happened? I'm like, it was a lightning storm. We touched the same rock and we. Freaky Friday.

[C]

We just had a big argument. So you think it's so easy, Matt.

[B]

We jump in the pool. We jump in the pool at the same time.

[C]

Freaky Friday.

[A]

Yeah. Me and Lamise could free you Friday. We wouldn't know. I would just go, God damn. I got wasted. I woke up in the pool house. Anyway, take like three off and play video games. Hey, do you want to order pizza rolls? Yeah,

[C]

pizza rolls are treacherous.

[B]

That's so funny. Here we go. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Even today, there's still significant. There's still significant stigma around seeking support for mental health. Better Helps 2026 State of the Stigma report surveyed you ready for this? 2, 000Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe that getting support is wise, yet 74 say society discourages people from doing so. Wow, that's. I didn't know that. I didn't know about that study. That's just trying to take that all in right now. I've experienced it myself. Guys, let me. Let me talk about some time when I experience stigma around mental health and. Or getting support.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Explore where that happened. I mean, this is Actually, deeply personal. I don't like to talk about it, but I. I begged my parents when I was younger, I had severe mental health issues, and I begged them to send me to a camp for the summer that would make me like girls again. And they refused. They said, no, you're not. You don't need that therapy. You don't need any of that crap, son. Yeah, work hard. You'll forget about it. I said, mom, I really need help. I need to go to the camp with the priest. They're gonna help me like girls again. I said, get out of here, boy. Get out there and sew the. I said, yes, I'm.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And yeah. And they stigma. They stigmatized me pretty bad.

[A]

But that's okay. You can't. You got out of it.

[B]

I did nothing. Should I. I went to the camp. I did what I had to do. Nothing should stop you from getting help when you need it. That's also why, as the world's largest online therapy platform, better help makes finding a therapist a breeze. Just answer a few questions to get matched and it's. If it's not a good fit, you can easily switch to someone else. No problem. No judgment.

[A]

That's. That's nice. Don't let stigma stay in the way of support. Start therapy with better help. The help with the better sign up and get 10 off. Betterhelp.com MSSP that's better. H E L P.com MSSP Guys, August

[B]

7th, San Jose, California. Also August 8th, San Jose, Spokane, Washington. August 13th and 14th. I'll be doing stand up there as well. And then in the fall, it all kicks off. Portland, Maine, Boston, Royal Oaks, Michigan, Milwaukee, Charlotte, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga. Go to Matt McCuster dot com. A bunch more cities if you want to get tickets. I'll be doing stand up up until December 19th, and then we'll figure it out from there.

[A]

Wow. Going wild.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

July 17th at Lincoln Financial Field. They just put out some new tickets there. They reconfigured the stage so some more tickets are available. And then in Charleston, August 8th, Charleston, check it out.

[B]

Yeah, I don't know. I sour the cast. I apologize.

[A]

Weed guy in your head about, there's nothing wrong.

[B]

I know, I know. I'm totally chill.

[A]

What are you talking about, chill, dude? I don't care that Bill Belichick has a toy.

[B]

I don't. I don't. You guys. I don't wish him any. I have no ill will towards him. I just go, yeah. I don't know.

[A]

It's odd.

[B]

Yeah, but it's odd to. My problem is, again, if he. If he's 7 years old and he's smashing on the low and he's going like, I just can't get the dog out of me. Fair. When he's, like, taking Instagram pictures with her, it's like, bro, you're pigging out. You have to chill. That's part of the kink. It's part of his kink to walk around. It could be he's like, got a Billy Madison thing.

[A]

The way I look at it, and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt is just like, yeah, what. What's Instagram?

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah, she likes this. I don't give a. He doesn't have Instagram. He's not looking at anything. He's probably genuinely like, yeah, I don't.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm more worried about. We got Maryland next week.

[C]

I don't care if you take pictures or I don't care if you sit next to him. Don't take pictures with them, Sterling.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And again, I guess, you know,

[F]

the

[B]

sacrifice is a sacrificial babe. Yeah. Sacrifice the Patriots.

[A]

There's been many.

[B]

To be fair. And this is. This is a fair thing.

[A]

Sacrifice of the alternate.

[B]

I will say this. I will say this. It does take two to tango. So, you know, that was my original point. Yeah, it does take two.

[A]

Certain age. It's like,

[B]

yeah, for sure.

[A]

This is a decision.

[B]

Oh, for sure. She made it.

[A]

She's 25 or 26. It's a decision they're making.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

25. I thought she was like, 21. 26. That's not that bad, actually.

[A]

She's got a slight idea of what's going on, I think.

[B]

Yeah. I think her brain just finally formed.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I wonder how true that is, because I've been saying. I think Rogan said it on podcasts and we've all, as a country, just.

[B]

No, no, I think that's. They've said that probably because. But I mean, how much of your brain do you only use? 10 of your brain, so.

[A]

And they also say that. And I don't even know what they. The that means.

[B]

I don't know either. I think you use the whole thing.

[A]

Everything's horseshit.

[B]

I think if I cut a piece

[A]

out of your brain, that's a major issue.

[B]

I was using that part. Yeah, I was using that part.

[A]

My right leg thinks it's my left leg and I walk weird. Now I got.

[C]

Thanks a lot.

[B]

Now that you say it, that is. It's all you got to use Your whole brain, yo.

[A]

Your body's 85% water. It's like. No, it's not. There's no water in there. I'm certain.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All horseshit.

[B]

Not 85.

[A]

Maybe whatever they say it is.

[F]

No, you're right.

[B]

They say like it's 85.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's got to be 10. I have way more blood in me than water. I'm Pretty sure I'm 100.

[A]

Blood and mostly turds. Piss and blood.

[B]

Piss.

[A]

Cheers. And blood.

[B]

Yeah, there's no water. There's only a little bit of water in my penis. When I pee it out, that's it. It's in my water's in me for like an hour at a time.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And I pee it out. That does. That's my number one bug out watching there.

[A]

What's going on there?

[F]

Nate, I Real quick. But it's. I'm looking it up. It says we actually use a hundred percent of our brain. It. Yeah, it says.

[A]

Yeah. They've always lied about.

[F]

It's just an urban legend.

[B]

They're probably listening to this conversation.

[A]

It's all urban legends. Every single thing. I was listening to some yesterday. They're like knock on wood. Comes from an ancient thing where pagans ritual.

[B]

Did you see the thing about birthdays?

[A]

Shut up.

[B]

Did you see the. I watched the same thing about birthdays. You're. You're doing like some weird pagan witchcraft.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, the people that couldn't write.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A thousand years ago. That's where we're taking all our from. No, it's not.

[B]

You're actually making. I watched the thing. It said you're making yourself older every time you do your birthday because you're like doing some weird spell and it's.

[A]

It was like somebody talks to me about spells or ancient anything I say. You need to shut up.

[B]

My theory on the birthday. They turn the lights. I always birthday was you turn the lights off to simulate the darkness of the vaginal canal. And the candlelights are like the world and you're coming out to it.

[A]

No, I think people just like the lights.

[B]

Oh, they turn the lights out for the candles.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not everything's got some deep ancient meaning. The way. I don't know.

[B]

I. I feel like. I think vaginal re. Simulating. It's your birth again.

[D]

You're.

[B]

It's dark and you're going. Sitting in front of everyone, baby.

[C]

And everyone surprised you.

[A]

Someone slaps you. That's an interesting one. Where'd you hear that?

[B]

Made it up.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

Yeah. Made that up because I was really thinking about it one day, I'm like, it's got to be something.

[A]

I don't think they were.

[B]

Can we look up where they. Why you light candles and do all that?

[A]

It's gonna say pagans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Apparently pagans invented everything.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Easter Bunny, apparently. Easter bunnies. That's an easy one. I think that was just a spring that was like Freya, the goddess. And then, you know, we're just like, yeah, keep some of that in here. Because we did have to appease the pagans. There were so many pagans.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So we did have to appease them. But I don't, I don't like the whole magic ritual. Like, every time you do this, you're actually doing an ancient magic ritual. Demons are entering your mind. Like, yeah, like Knock on Wood was the one I watched. Like, you're actually summoning an evil force.

[A]

But turns out Knock on Wood was like a little. Or like touch wood is a. It's from like playing tag.

[B]

Really?

[A]

And yeah, a tree would be base and if you touched wood, you were safe.

[D]

Oh, really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I don't think there's 17 or 1800s.

[B]

I've gotten out of the habit of knocking on wood, by the way.

[D]

It's good.

[B]

I've stopped. I'm like, I'm not doing. This is dumb. I would feel seriously like that I'd really better knock on wood than something bad.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah, I was like, very superstitious, dude. I'd be like, if I don't knock on wood, something bad could happen.

[A]

So something bad's gonna happen.

[B]

True.

[A]

Something real bad. Think of just about the worst thing.

[D]

True.

[B]

No, I don't, I don't. I don't practice.

[A]

But then some really good shit's gonna happen.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

And then, God willing, you're 75, you're the head coach of the North Carolina Tar heels. You've won five Super Bowls. You're banging a 25 year old and she's going, let's take an Instagram picture. And you go, fucking. I don't even know what that is.

[B]

This. Is this. Okay, I think I've identified it. He can. But anyone, almost anyone can bang a 25 year old. He just doesn't want to pay for. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Speak for yourself.

[B]

You could hire prostitute. You could hire a prostitute. Oh, you could hire.

[A]

He wants to do it by the books.

[C]

Yeah. Those are forbidden.

[A]

That's a. That's not virtuous. That's a crime. It doesn't like that.

[C]

Dark spells, man.

[A]

Yeah, that's evil.

[B]

If my thing is, if it's just about the sex, get a process.

[A]

Maybe it's not.

[C]

What if he loves her?

[A]

Maybe he likes having somebody young in his life again instead of a 70 year old wife. That's like, what?

[B]

True.

[A]

What are you doing? I don't want to go do stuff.

[B]

Yeah, what do they do? It's got to be just him and her. If he hangs out with her friends, that's going to be so weird. Come on, what are you talking. What are we talking about? He's so old.

[A]

If I found out my dad divorced my mom and was on a boat with 10, 25 year olds, I'd be like, it, dude, what are we talking about now? If he did it when I was a kid, I'd be like, that's insane.

[B]

Yeah, he's retired for sure. I get it. It's just imagine though, I'm trying to put myself in that position. I'm. I'm 70, whatever. And I'm with like her and three of her friends are eating pad Thai and they're talking and I have to like pretend to care or even be randomly interested. That's when it's going, just get a hooker at that point.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

This is crazy.

[A]

Bill Belichick, I don't know if he has to be interested. And I don't think he cares to be interested. Genuinely. He's like, have you ever seen him talk? No, he like doesn't talk.

[B]

Really?

[A]

He's like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Next question. Yeah, we're not worried about that right now. We're already focused on the Jets. Like there's him eating Pad Thai with four 25 year olds.

[B]

He's probably just like, he's thinking of the game.

[A]

Pad thai's pretty good. It's a little spicy. It's a little spicy.

[B]

I really like when this lady sucks my penis. It's very nice.

[A]

I really gotta get out of here. We gotta start grinding the tape. We got week one, we got East Carolina and last year we. Our defense was terrible.

[B]

Also, I didn't know she was 26 is slightly different because then if she was 30, it's like, like they've been

[C]

dating for like two years, right?

[A]

Yeah. At least.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, so he wrote, he wrote the weird bike. He only rode the weird bike for a couple years.

[A]

On the weird unicycle. For sure, dude, Once. Here come that boy.

[B]

26 is different. I thought she was like way, way young. I think 26.

[A]

They met when she was real. I think she was a cheerleader for the Patriots. I could be. There was definitely. Yeah, maybe. Yeah, there's definitely the ring camera footage of him leaving a house which is. You're gonna love it, dude. It's gonna change your mind.

[B]

Whatever.

[A]

Tim walking out of a 20 something year old girl's house on a ring camera with his shirt off. It's, it's hilarious, dude. Just walking out to like a stone

[B]

driveway like, like his hands in his pockets, whistling. Yeah, I mean, look again. 26. 26 is different.

[A]

It's a man

[B]

man. True. I mean I could be being too puritanical.

[A]

Bill Belichick Walker's shame.

[B]

Yeah, that's my, that's the thing. I don't want to put him down. I'm not like anti him or being like, I don't think that's very nice. I'm just going like, like, is that the best possible move? That's all I'm asking myself. Is that truly a thing to idealize?

[A]

I do not think it's the best possible move and I don't think too many people idolize it. Yeah, I don't think so.

[B]

I think you're right.

[A]

I think he's getting made fun of a lot for it.

[B]

Yeah. But again, it's not like I don't. I have no animosity towards a man. That's the thing. I just go, I wonder, I wonder if that's as sweet. Is it as sweet? I think a lot of people go sweet. I go, yeah. There's always the reality of the thing and it's never sounds sweet. Like, I'd like to watch them have sex and masturbate to it. I like to observe.

[A]

He could. Yeah, he could be.

[G]

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[H]

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[B]

No, 26 is. That's. That skews things. That's. She's almost 30 and wants to. Once you're. That's it.

[A]

She was young when they met.

[D]

Their. Their meat story is. Is kind of funny.

[B]

What is it?

[D]

They met in 2021, when she was still enrolled in Bridgewater State University in Massachusetts. She was reading a philosophy textbook on a plane, and her and Bill Belichick chatted about her deductive logic textbook and he signed it, and then that's how they met.

[F]

That.

[D]

So she was reading a textbook, doing homework on a plane, and he chatted her up about her textbook, signed it for you. On a plane.

[A]

This story gets hotter and hotter.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

On a plane, sitting next to a young, hot chick.

[D]

I'm not sure if he lifts.

[A]

There's no way I can get some out of this. Bill, you still got it.

[B]

It is nice. He was like, I like your deductive lot. That's the nice. Deductive logic.

[D]

Yeah. They. They struck up a conversation about philosophy, and then inside the message, he said, thanks for giving me a course in logic with an exclamation point when he signed the book. Dang. They kept in touch and started dating in 2023. So she was probably around 24 or

[B]

25 at the time. Okay.

[C]

Then she took that book to her dad and was like, look who signed this. He was like, keep going.

[B]

You're on the five yard line, babe. Do you think they'll get married?

[A]

I hope so.

[B]

That would be.

[A]

I hope so.

[B]

I would support that. Although now that I say it, Socrates. To be fair, Socrates actually had a baby.

[A]

Yeah, well, little boys.

[B]

He had a baby with a young babe before he died. So he had. He actually. So he can't really talk. He's not really want to talk. However, he's just. Then again, it's.

[A]

He's the itchy butt pedophile guy.

[B]

Pedophile. Was Socrates a pito, though?

[A]

Hit him with rocks, dude. Throw rocks at.

[B]

That Was. Was he definitely a pedo?

[A]

No.

[D]

I don't know.

[C]

I'll look, but wasn't Socrates like. Wasn't he like, exiled, though?

[B]

He got killed.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Made him drink the hemlock.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Now I want to know if he was a pedo or not, because they apparently.

[C]

Didn't they make him drink hemlock? Because he was like, the Earth isn't the center of the universe. That wasn't him. Okay. No. That was Aristotle.

[A]

Nope.

[C]

Damn it.

[D]

There's no historical evidence that Socrates engaged in pedophilic things, but since he Was alive in ancient Athens. People just kind of assumed. Assume he did pederasty was institutionalized in their like mentorship.

[B]

Yeah. That was a big thing. Well, that was your. That was your vessel.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So you had to transmit all your knowledge to a young boy. And then some.

[A]

For some reason I knew what they were doing. That's completely made up. Yeah, that's my vessel. I'm passing my knowledge now.

[B]

The final act. Yeah. Has to swallow. He has to jackass swallow me. My name is Pl. Iii. I'm actually from. I'm going to drink a gallon of old guy. Come. No, you could. You are broadening my horizons on this right now. Because I am going like, you know, she's 26, 25. It's just too much public kink, that's all. For me. It's a heavy public.

[A]

Public kink is crazy.

[B]

It's heavy public king.

[A]

But that's again, that's where I go.

[B]

Him living his life.

[A]

I don't think he gives a.

[B]

No, I don't think so.

[A]

So that's something to aspire to.

[B]

True. That's fair. I agree. I don't think he cares. I think he just goes.

[A]

I'm sure he hears about it non stop at football games, coaching. If I was. If he was playing my team, I'd be. I'd be staunchly against it. I'd be screaming at the entire game.

[B]

Yeah, I guess that all. You know, you have to handle all that in your household. I guess just be like, hey, you see a six time super bowl champion coach try. Just do your best. Promise me to do your best not to set up a sensational romance with him.

[A]

That's all you can do. I know.

[B]

Yeah. It's crazy stuff.

[A]

It is. It's a good episode. We covered.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bill Belichick.

[B]

We did extensively.

[A]

We got to the bottom of it. Lemaire, what have you got?

[C]

I went to Charlottesville last week and it's like a full girl town now. They like changed it. They call it Seaville. You remember Charlottesville? That was the tiki torch town.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

They had the big white pride march. Yeah, yeah. It was crazy.

[B]

So what was it like?

[A]

You just saw a lot of women there?

[C]

No, it was just like all bookstores. It wasn't anything I thought it would be.

[A]

Yeah, I think it's a, like a kind of a more liberal college town.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I didn't know. I mean, because, you know, the march. The march is about being replaced.

[B]

He thought it was going to be.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Southern gentlemen.

[C]

Yeah. Thought it'd be a little bit more aggro, but it was pretty chill. I didn't like it, though. They didn't have, like, one GameStop. It was all girl stores. Pissed me off.

[A]

Books and candles.

[C]

Yeah, all the boys got replaced. Dude, they did get replaced.

[A]

They got rid of the gamestops.

[C]

There's no gamestops.

[A]

So they did replace us.

[C]

Yeah, fuck they did. They want.

[B]

Dude, no, that's a fair. If you.

[C]

If you change your name.

[B]

If you do, you know.

[A]

Yeah, there's a. Unite. The right. Yeah, the right rally. They got to get rid of the game stuff.

[B]

Yeah, it's a penalty. It's like a five year ban on game.

[C]

They're still. They said tiki torches are still banned there. It's been like 10 years.

[B]

Really?

[C]

TIKI torches are still banned?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

It's a good pillow for it. You look like you look like a mushroom in Mario Kart that picks up your car.

[B]

Is there really a way. Can you even ban that legally? I feel you couldn't ban the sale of tiki torches.

[C]

I don't know who told you that. One of the people. One of the citizens.

[B]

They probably don't. Maybe. I don't know. I wonder if they just, like, are slow to sell them.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you doing?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Promise It's a barbecue. Promise. You're not defending a Confederate statue.

[C]

I was saying, like, they grabbed the teacher George's and transform.

[B]

Yeah, I was. I was laughing about that when I was in Minneapolis. I was like, I. When they had the whole Somali pirate thing, they're like, how could they let this go? I was like, coming off the back of George Floyd. I could see white people being like, yeah, I'm gonna chill for, man. Right after that. Be like, y' all don't know what the. These guys. I think these black guys are up to something.

[H]

What?

[B]

Keep driving. Look ahead.

[A]

They all actually get in. Like, wasn't there. Didn't that, like. Wasn't that true?

[B]

Oh, yeah, that. That they busted it before. The Nick Shirley thing. That had been. Yeah, they'd already done, like, an extensive sting, so, like. Yeah, that was like, completely. Completely true. He just came a year later and was like, pretty sure they're up to something. It's like, yeah, dude, they did it already. They already did this thing. But maybe they. Maybe they were continuing. I don't know. But, you know, it was a good scheme.

[A]

It's a great scheme.

[B]

Fake daycare is so funny.

[A]

Great scheme.

[B]

It's just so funny being bored inside of your fake daycare. Just being like that. Really hope nobody walks in.

[A]

Yeah, Shirley, Some guy screaming at you.

[B]

The guy with a legal pad. It was so funny. But yeah, that was my. I got a lot of for that. But it was really just like they already. I like. Because I looked into it, I was like, man, this is. I watched it being like, this is crazy. Then I like looked it up and I was like, oh, they already already got these guys because they brought down a heroin ring. And you went to Philadelphia, like Philadelphia has a heroin problem. I'm expose it. Just banged on some guy's door and you're like, yeah, he's definitely got heroin in that door.

[A]

Back to you.

[B]

Yeah, no, that was like millions of dollars.

[A]

I saw some heroin fellows in Austin. I was kind of surprised.

[C]

Surprised.

[A]

Boys hitting the full on limbo.

[B]

I haven't seen them yet.

[A]

Yeah, I saw two or three.

[B]

Nice.

[F]

They made.

[A]

They're making their way. Making their way down south.

[B]

Coming down where it's hot.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The black tar.

[A]

I wonder how good that feels.

[B]

Heroin hair?

[A]

No, not heroin. But you know, lizarding out, laying on a rock, getting sun while you're.

[B]

I think it's awesome.

[A]

It probably feels good as hell.

[B]

Yeah. I think the nod's like the best part. Just completely out and waking up probably sucks.

[A]

I'm looking to the science of how the they stay upright. It's pretty impressive.

[B]

Yeah, actually. Especially if you're that inebriated. Like you'll just kind of staying on your feet like that. I. I literally couldn't do that.

[A]

No.

[B]

I would need heroin. Yeah, I would need heroin to pull that off. Although your hamstrings probably for real.

[A]

Probably get deadlifts are probably crazy.

[C]

Homeless guys are always strong.

[B]

Well, yeah, you gotta be.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Battle the elements.

[A]

Battling the other guys. Battling the elements.

[B]

When have you tested their strength? Are you talking about just how like ripped they look?

[C]

I've just seen them, dude. Like you ever see like a crackhead carrier fridge?

[B]

Like, yeah, Drew, they are ripped. Yeah. How do the hell. How do they stay up? No, that's. Don't fall for that.

[A]

If they fall, they're going to give it away that they're on heroin, not that they're shirtless and bent at a crazy angle.

[C]

It's in the meanest lean.

[B]

So the brain, the final part of the brain is like, don't fall that part embarrass yourself. Don't be a dumbass.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

It's hard to find exactly why, but

[B]

yeah, I think they don't know there's so much they have no idea. Scientists just can't be like, yeah, we have no clue. They're always just like. Well, leading theory suggests. And you look into it. It's like, yeah, it's not proven at all.

[F]

Maybe.

[B]

Maybe heroin rules. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe it makes you better at balancing. If you do, like, the right amount.

[A]

Definitely does. No, that's incredible. Bent straight down.

[B]

For real.

[A]

Couldn't do that for a long time. And usually at, like, a corner where there's, like, a little slant in the sidewalk.

[B]

Yeah, true. They find that divot. That's what those divots are for.

[A]

Walking.

[B]

You go, finally, what is it saying?

[D]

Yeah, their central nervous system is just like. They're pretty much. They're just in sleep mode. Computer.

[A]

Yeah, there's still updates.

[D]

They're still running, but like.

[C]

Like.

[D]

Yeah, they're just chilling for a second.

[A]

It's running hot, though. It's like your station back there. That's horseshit.

[C]

That's a good station.

[F]

Dude.

[A]

Your station's out of control.

[C]

It's nice. It's pretty good. I don't do anything with it. It just looks.

[A]

What are you talking about? You're back there constantly.

[C]

I'm just. Yeah, I don't even. I'm not doing anything back there. I just keep looking at the screens, Make something up.

[B]

Oh, space station.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

I saw a new Sopranos piece of art you brought into my house. Insane. He's hanging on.

[B]

That is like a bird's nest in there. That's crazy.

[A]

I got the wrens in.

[C]

Lamar, that's four panties. I keep forgetting to take it to the studio, but that's.

[A]

I saw the LED lights. Are they going back there?

[C]

That's where. That's from temu. I.

[A]

Where did. Now, I didn't say where it's from. So where you put.

[C]

I just got. I don't have anywhere to put it yet. I got a video for it. I don't know.

[F]

Sex club, Sex Dungeon Light.

[C]

I don't. I don't. I just got the LED strips because they're cheap, and it was within my TEMU credit allowance, so I just got them.

[A]

I'm not worried about where you got it.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know where I'm going to put.

[A]

You put fucking LED lights in that shitty Sopranos drawing back there. I'm.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

I'm gonna be a little annoyed.

[C]

The drawing is.

[A]

I know you're not gonna take it when we move the paintings. When I move out. You're not coming to the next place. You probably Are going to the next place. We're moving on up, too.

[C]

The paintings for. The paintings for panties. It's for panties. That's our art investment.

[B]

You should let the marriages do the whole house. You could get, like a top interior. They're being a decorator from Milan and be like, this is. This is genius. Yeah, it's like the. Who's the guy? Rick. Rick Owens, I think. Who's the guy who does all black vampire clothes? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I've been sending the thing on Instagram. He wear. You wear like the. He does like, the track, like the Korean Olympic team, where they have, like, the fan suits, so you just look like a big ball and, like, walk around. It's pretty sick.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah. That they were, like, watching this being like, this is the coolest shit I've ever seen. It's literally just like goth. He's just dressing people in goth shit and making them look, like, fucked up.

[D]

It's just.

[B]

He's like, I'm expressing anger and rage, and this is the best place to do it. It's just people at Fashion Week me. This guy's the best at this.

[C]

Rick Owens.

[B]

So the mayor might be super high, dude. LED strip on the Sopranos. Fucking picture, dude.

[C]

I was. I was just thinking about gonna put it under the picture so it lights it up.

[A]

Up.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Underlining. I think that might work.

[A]

Have you seen the springs?

[C]

No.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

I had a feeling.

[B]

So what. What is. What is the impulse to decorate?

[C]

It's for. It's for the podcast. It's for panties.

[B]

You're not doing the podcast in there, though, are you doing the podcast?

[C]

No, no, no. I just haven't taken it to.

[A]

But what about the LED lights? That was for back then. I know it was. No, that was for a stream. You're streaming.

[C]

No, I'm not streaming. I don't want to stream.

[B]

You got it. Shane's your only fans manager.

[A]

You don't want to stream.

[B]

You have to tell him you're streaming.

[A]

We're going to oil you up and stream.

[B]

You got to cut them in if you're streaming.

[C]

Yeah, I would, but I'm not streaming. Doing IRL streams. No, I would never.

[B]

That sounds like a streaming setup.

[A]

Why would you not? You have a microphone back there. You have everything.

[C]

I just like talking to people when I play games. Like.

[B]

Yeah, you're just the one record button away from streaming.

[A]

I like it. I like where we're at.

[C]

Yeah. No, the LED strips were just From Teemu. I had to spend the credit.

[A]

Christ. I'm. I'm gonna do it.

[C]

I had to spend the credit.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know how to explain it.

[A]

Where did you plan on putting them?

[C]

I didn't have a plan.

[A]

You just wanted them.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I guess we'll got like a mini MP3 player too. And like a mushroom speaker. I don't know what MP3 player is sitting there. I think.

[B]

Where'd you get that from?

[C]

I saw Temu. I got it. I gotta do a review.

[B]

You got an MP3 player of Temu?

[C]

I'm getting free stuff off Temu. I gotta do reviews.

[A]

There we go.

[C]

Try hustle there.

[B]

We got it. We nailed it.

[A]

You gotta ask him 500 questions.

[B]

Crazy. So the. The dark truth is you're doing unboxings for Team Truth.

[C]

That is my dark.

[B]

I get it. I would keep that close to the Jazz Truth unboxing video.

[C]

I'm about to become an unboxing. I am making unboxing videos.

[A]

You are making unboxing videos?

[C]

Yeah, I got one in my phone.

[F]

Damn.

[A]

You're opening. Can I please see it?

[C]

Yeah. It looks like a great studio. It's a good studio. Dude, it's nice.

[B]

What, the MP3 player?

[C]

No, I haven't done that yet. This one studio, it's where they do podcast. Austin Studio, I believe it's called.

[A]

And you're doing unboxings in there?

[C]

Yeah. So, Bro Sky. What? Unboxing.

[A]

Why are you against streaming?

[C]

I don't know. It just feels like it will ruin games for me. I like playing games because it's fun. I don't want to make it work. What, this video? No.

[A]

Because maybe I'd like to take a look at it.

[C]

It's not edited yet.

[A]

That'll be even better.

[B]

So TEMU will send you. Shit. Temu will send you stuff if you open it on the.

[C]

They're mad at me because I haven't sent it yet, but Temu video. This is just. Welcome back, everybody.

[B]

And they got more stuff.

[A]

I guess we can just.

[C]

There's more stuff.

[A]

It's a 10 from the Super Mario Mario Galaxy.

[C]

It's a tin from the Super Mario Galaxy.

[A]

Pretty funny.

[C]

It's full of cool stuff. Yeah, I like the tin. Personally. I can hide. Try and come for Randall Frank P. Now,

[A]

is that a Squishy?

[C]

Good hiding. No, no squishies. I like the Bowser Jr artwork on the outside. Bowser Jr one of the most under. Oh, that's badass. Bowser Jr on this side.

[D]

Look at that.

[B]

Oh, you're in Chinese candy.

[C]

My whole problem. I was this regular.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

My whole problem was today. Yeah, I told you, dude.

[A]

It's just that could be a.

[B]

Having a secret unboxing show. I didn't expect that at all. Do you just practice, like opening shit back there?

[C]

It's what I watch on YouTube and I was like, I can fucking do this. So, yeah, I just thought about trying it.

[B]

So they're sending you free shit if you open it up?

[C]

Yeah, that's the goal.

[B]

What promises you?

[A]

Wait, did they not send you free shit?

[C]

Not yet.

[A]

Did you buy the Mario Galaxy box?

[C]

The guys who were producing, they brought the Mario Galaxy. They put the box together and there was also like a Japanese food box.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Ate some weird Japanese food. There's another thing too. I can't remember what it was. Huh? Don't ask for Musashi.

[A]

Don't ask questions. He's gonna be extremely vague. You're gonna ask five more questions. It's gonna be.

[C]

There's this crab treat. It was like actually like river crabs. They put them in the.

[A]

A.

[C]

A white plastic boat and you can like eat them. They're good. Pretty good.

[D]

How.

[B]

Where do you. But they ship it from China.

[C]

No, it's from. This isn't from Teemo. It's from a store. Assas Asasi.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

It's a Japanese store.

[B]

You're opening up all kinds of.

[C]

I'm opening up everything.

[A]

Grubhub.

[B]

You should. You should for real fart Maxo and do an unboxing show where you fart. Fart non stop.

[A]

That would get some subscribers.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

There's guys that would be into that.

[C]

I don't like farting. I'm not a fan of farting.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

That's crazy. What do you do with all your farts?

[C]

Wait till I sleep. I don't fart until I go to bed.

[A]

You just fart?

[F]

No way.

[B]

You let them just come out at night. You hold. Hold all your farts in all day.

[C]

I mean, if I have to fart, I will fart. But like, I don't. I don't really fart until I go to bed.

[B]

Why?

[C]

I just don't like farting.

[F]

What about. What about your lady? You, like, sleep over? You just saved your farts.

[A]

That must be nuts. The snoring and farting out of this guy. Those farts must be. They must be like a three minute long fart. As soon as he goes asleep, they've

[B]

turned into a different gas altogether.

[A]

It's like Mario Candy and sushi.

[B]

You're making farts for sure.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I'm making farts. I'm just not like. I'm not pushing them. I'm not pushing them out.

[A]

I don't push farts.

[C]

Yeah, I don't push farts.

[A]

You don't push for nothing. You let those farts. Dude, you must be full of farts. You are chock full of farts.

[B]

Could you fart right now? Definitely.

[C]

I could not fart right now.

[A]

Yes, you could.

[C]

I can't, dude. I can't

[A]

be up.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[F]

What?

[A]

You must be like, we're 75% water. You're definitely 75.

[B]

He's a gas giant.

[A]

He's filled with farts.

[B]

Dude, have you.

[A]

If you fart, you're going to be. Yeah, you're probably about £80 less than you are naturally.

[B]

Why won't you fart? What the hell?

[C]

I don't know, man.

[B]

Did you get, like, reprimanded? Fight severely for farting or, like, what's the. What's the.

[C]

Maybe.

[B]

What's stopping you?

[C]

I don't know. I've never.

[B]

Like, that's your Michael Jackson secret?

[A]

I love fart.

[B]

Oh, he knocked them farts off. Farting's sweet. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

It makes me feel gross, I think, when you fart. Yeah.

[B]

What, so you don't ever cup and bring it up to see what you're. I have the opposite. I'm like, completely. I need to know what's up with my farts.

[C]

I do have a sneaky sneak fart. I'll take it. I like a sneak fart when it slips out.

[B]

Wait, you do farted at laser tag. It was so bad.

[A]

Cleared out the meter the entire time.

[B]

Dude, what the are you talking about?

[C]

I was full of gas.

[B]

I had to. Stupid.

[A]

There's zero chance you hold in farts all day. There's zero. I'd bet my life on it. We gotta does teu sell a fart machine? The gauge farts. There's gotta be some type of Chinese underwear.

[C]

Just a thermal light. Nah, man. I don't know. I don't know what it is.

[B]

So you wait till you're falling asleep and as you're like, snoring, you just fully relax.

[C]

Yeah, it's all farts. It's too city in my sleep.

[B]

How do you know this if you're asleep? You've been told.

[C]

Oh, I know I've been told.

[A]

Have you gone in that fucking room?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Blunts and farts. It's crazy.

[B]

What makes you fart the Most. What kind of food?

[C]

Milk and peanut butter, dude. Yeah, peanut butter me up,

[D]

please.

[B]

Do a fart Max unboxing, dude.

[A]

Yeah, that would be.

[B]

It would be so good. Especially if you're getting really disturbed by them. Oh, sorry, guys.

[A]

I'm so embarrassed.

[B]

Supposed to save that for nighttime.

[A]

Yeah. Being so embarrassed the whole time. Did you order that dumb dog candle off Teemo?

[C]

No, that was from a market. There's a guy at a market.

[A]

I gotta be honest. I like that dog candle.

[C]

It's nice.

[A]

I lit it, but you weren't around, so I blew it out. I wanted you to be here for it.

[C]

Then I was thinking about, like, how demented of a candle it is once it gets lit. After a while, it's just a melted brain dog.

[B]

Yeah, Clam dill's nice.

[A]

Yeah, the clam Dill Lambda is decent. Pretty excited about that.

[B]

Yeah. I don't want to. I don't.

[A]

More of an oyster, but, yeah, I

[B]

want to keep it fun.

[A]

Oyster didn't have a good candle name exactly. Like Clamdel. Don't be sorry.

[C]

Landle the pot.

[A]

The pot has affected the squad. Everyone's. Everyone's like, I'm sorry, dude.

[B]

Dude, it's totally normal.

[A]

Stupid.

[B]

It's totally normal.

[A]

The whole time you had to freak out about Bill Belichick, you got high and freaked out about Bill Belichick's relationship.

[B]

I'm telling you, something happened to me where I don't notice that I'm high anymore. And I just. I'm like, man, everything feels weird right now. Told you. I tried to go to sleep the other night, and I was like, why can't I sleep? And I was, like, laying there. Oh, this was the worst, actually. I thought I was, like, finally losing it. I was laying there and I was like, all right, so the universe is definitely infinite. Then there's, like, the material world, which. That might go on forever, too, somehow. And I don't know how to explain it, but I was just, like, thinking about just going through stuff and touching it forever, and I was like, that's so much stuff. And I freaked out and I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop thinking about all this stuff. And I was like, so much.

[A]

How much stuff?

[B]

There is endless stuff.

[A]

Sometimes I. Sometimes that bothers me. That bothers me.

[B]

It got me.

[A]

There's so much stuff.

[B]

I was in bed and I had to just flip. Whatever.

[A]

I'm there.

[B]

Guys.

[A]

Like, lair.

[B]

Word.

[A]

Some Chinese guys in a factory. Like, who the is going to buy this Mario Galaxy candy box?

[B]

Yeah. I bugged out. Bugged out on the amount of stuff. I was like, dude, what if stuff is also infinite? And I was like, oh, so much stuff, dude.

[C]

But in space there's nothing, dude. And that's infinite too.

[B]

That's better somehow, when there's nothing. Yeah, Yeah, I could deal with that. Just tons of stuff. I think there's got to be an end of the stuff. It's a lot of stuff going on.

[A]

I think it's all stuff, really. I think everything. Yeah, it's all kind of stuff.

[B]

True. Yeah. The infinity thing freaks me out. I can't. I just try not to think about that too much.

[A]

Yeah, I wouldn't waste your time.

[H]

It just.

[B]

I don't. It just comes to my head, I go, okay, well, if it's infinite is that they always go like, well, it's the multiverse. It's like, well, yeah, that's just still one thing.

[A]

I agree.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

There's actually multiple universes and say, no, that's just. That's all part of the universe.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Like just one universe.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You're just saying there's a bunch in there.

[B]

And then they go, there's infinite universes. It's like, okay, dude, well, so there's. Right on.

[A]

How about I punch you? Talk to me about the universe.

[B]

Yeah, I'm getting so. I want. I want to do a congressional audit on, like, astrophysicists and quantum physics to be like, all right, guys, what are we really doing here? Yeah, because I think they're bull craping a lot because they always go, well, the math checks out perfectly, but, like, no one can check the math. Yeah, that'll be another forty bazillion dollars, please. You figured out things can be in two different places at once simultaneously, but the mathematical model maps on perfectly to. What the are you guys talking about?

[A]

Yeah, they're cruising for a bruising. They're walking around their undies looking for a bruiser. True about that. Horseshit.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Crap.

[A]

So you got some farts loaded? You ready for tonight?

[C]

What's tonight?

[A]

You don't hit the morning blowout. It's like, I. I mean, I. I'm blizz. You must be hearing. Really. I kind of am hoping you do, because they are funny. The morning blowout is chaos. At night, the way I'm inhaling air.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sleep apnea and snoring parts are just. It's chaos. In the morning.

[F]

When I do my morning blow up, my dog, like, that's how he knows I'm up, and then I'll hear him at the door. I'll hear his little collar bouncing.

[A]

The morning blow up out.

[B]

That's so funny. Yeah, I get. I have at least one fart every morning. You wake up and you're it for me. It's laying down as soon as I lay into bed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Farts every single time. I'll be like, no, I don't have to fart. Lay in bed. It's just like right out of me.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Unfortunate. I literally fart almost every day.

[A]

I look forward to it. I cherish it.

[B]

I look forward to it personally.

[A]

But you know, other people hate it.

[B]

Not a fan. Especially when they stink too.

[A]

Yeah, that's trouble.

[B]

And it's like, look, that makes it 10 times funny. I know. It's exactly the problem.

[A]

Think about being Bill Belichick, 70, 74 year old Stinky morning blowout and you got a hot 25 year old next to you. You're going, yeah, I don't like that. Stinks like, doesn't it? Anyway, we're focused on North Carolina State this week.

[B]

Yeah, I can see him hitting just a little bit like, oops. He's a hard fight.

[A]

Disgusting fart.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Pardon me.

[B]

Pardon me.

[A]

I beg your pardon.

[B]

What was that we ate with sparklers coming out of it last night? That made me fart.

[A]

Crap you're feeding me. It's made me fart. I'm done getting Thai food in Chapel Hill. There's no good Thai food in North Carolina.

[B]

That stuff called tufu tu's got to be far enough a story.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, we've done it again.

[B]

We did it.

[A]

Goodbye.

[B]

Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

[D]

Do it.

[E]

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