Ep 625 - The Big Show (feat. Billy & Spud)

Summary

Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast

Ep 625 – The Big Show (feat. Billy & Spud)

Date: July 17, 2026
Guests: Billy & Spud
Hosts: Matt McCusker & Shane Gillis

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Overview

This episode centers around Matt's impending, massive live show at the Link (Lincoln Financial Field), and the anxiety, excitement, and wild energy leading up to it. The group—longtime friends and comics—riff with their signature mix of neurosis, blue-collar observations, and absurdist humor. Themes include performance anxiety, masculinity, aging, memories of past gigs, American cultural touchstones, pop culture, and bodily dysfunction. The tone is simultaneously self-deprecating, raucous, and oddly sentimental.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Big Show Anticipation & Performance Anxiety

Timestamps: [00:02]–[01:30]; [51:57]–[54:00]; [73:12]–[75:47]

• Matt’s dread: Matt’s confessed panic over the scale of the upcoming show, admitting he feels completely unprepared:

  “It's the scariest thing possible. This is a huge mistake. I got talked into this a year and a half ago and never really considered that one day it was going to actually happen.” – Matt [00:58]

• Jokes about escaping to Paraguay, invoking “temporary insanity,” and fantasizing about just running out on stage and passing off the mic.
• Lineup plans and riffing about crowd control, tailgating fans, staging, stage fright, hecklers, and “just start a wave and do boom-boom-boom,” compared to Woodstock or “Normandy.”

  “I'm going to get on stage... the only thing I've got so far is I'm going to say a boom, boom, boom. Everybody say wh. That'll be nice.” – Matt [02:03]

• Shane jokes about recording the whole event and focusing on crushing hecklers with his own video crew.
• Humor about the challenges of performing “in the round” (Wrestlemania-style) and the physical discomfort for both performers and crowd.

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2. Performance as Competition, Masculinity, and Comedy

Timestamps: [03:22]–[04:58]; [52:55]–[54:00]

• Crowd dynamics: speculation about the crowd’s rambunctious, potentially feral state, references to past experiences with wild audiences.
• Matt references the difficulty and showmanship of putting together a large-scale live comedy event, acknowledging the financial and emotional investment.

  “I’ve literally felt like I build a show here year... We got a show going.” – Matt [52:55]

• Pyrotechnics, walk-on songs, and equating it to high-level sporting events:

  “The greatest fireworks. First comedian, you paid for pyros.” – Spade [52:59]

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3. American Cultural Touchstones & Wholesome Moments

Timestamps: [10:01]–[12:00]; [43:02]–[44:36]

• Sentimental reminiscing about taking kids to home run derbies, baseball games, recalling the “American-ness” of ceremonies, and the sounds of the summer Grove:

  “We were drinking beer, watching guys hit home runs over and over again while they're blasting music and we're like booing the kids if a kid drops a ball because there's little kids in the outfield.” – Matt [10:37]

• Nostalgia for local summer traditions, making a movie about “the Grove”—a symbol of American working-class youth and memory.

  “I would open my window as a kid and listen to. You could hear the growth. Phil will call me now and be like, what's going on? I'll be like, nothing, dude. You gotta listen to the Grove.” – Matt [11:28]

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4. Drug, Alcohol, and Supplement Adventures

Timestamps: [06:11]–[07:21]; [55:00]–[61:03]; [44:02]–[47:08]

• Reflections on psychedelic experiences (acid, molly), old concert memories, and the odd joy and discomfort of drug-fueled bonding.
• Extended bit on supplement mishaps, especially Spade’s near-death magnesium overdose; banter about “load-maxing,” scary symptoms, and the absurdity of supplement culture:

  “I almost died, bro... I was dosing it too much – my multivitamin, a magnesium supplement at night and a drink. I did not. Was this recently? Literally a near death experience.” – Spade [56:01]

• The group busts on each other for “big dogging” (subtle one-upmanship) about health regimens.

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5. Masculinity, Aging, and Bodily Dysfunctions

Timestamps: [31:03]–[35:39]; [44:02]–[47:08]; [62:59]–[66:28]

• Graphic, hilarious, and intimate details about waning sex drives, boner struggles after 40, and the wildness of hormonal imbalances. Frequent returns to “boner talk” as both a boast and a lamentation.

  "It is crazy, dude. At 40, your boner falls off a cliff. It's like clockwork. It's so... It's kind of sick." – Shane [44:06]

• Competition and shame about penis size and sexual “peak,” sharing advice, and exploring societal expectations of masculinity.
• Bizarre (and tongue-in-cheek) speculation about testosterone boosters in the Crusades and the Army.

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6. Cancel Culture, Surveillance, and Generational Shifts

Timestamps: [19:00]–[21:00]; [37:37]–[40:13]

• Sarcastic commentary on social change: “CRYPTO-cripsters,” gentrification, K95 masks, and “larping” (live-action role play) by white liberals.
• Paranoia and jokes around surveillance states, facial recognition, Meta glasses, and AI-evading eyewear.

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7. Pop Culture and “Girl Shows”

Timestamps: [23:29]–[26:55]

• Playful roasting of each other’s willingness to watch Marvel, Vampire Diaries, Harry Potter, and other “girl shows” for the sake of relationships.

  “McGuffies are susceptible to girls 100 girl TV. It's called King Sip.” – Shane [25:03]

• The idea that all men in relationships will inevitably watch and emotionally invest in shows they once mocked.

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8. Riffing on News, Politics, and the Manosphere

Timestamps: [07:48]–[09:44]; [47:39]–[49:35]; [71:05]–[73:06]

• Roasting politics for sound bites and memes (“Quiet Piggy,” “Double the size of it, you stupid person,” re: Trump).
• Skewering the “manosphere,” alpha-male, and manosphere internet figures, and the passing (and memes) of figures like Kevin Samuels.
• Side riffs about the hands and butts of British royalty, and the class differences in how the “elite” would see the guys as “Whitakers," referencing the famous inbred Appalachian family.

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9. Food, Poop, Hygiene & “Dirty Bulking”

Timestamps: [03:43]–[05:05]; [81:25]–[85:20]

• Debates about eating habits (“dirty bulking” on hoagies), heart attacks, and disgusting restroom anecdotes. Hilarious and vivid.

  "I lost my wedding ring playing Jackpot last time on the beach. Just flew off my hand." – Shane [78:45]

• Poignant observations about aging bodies, health anxieties, and the pressures to keep up appearances on stage and in life.

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10. Sentimentality about Friendship & Family

Timestamps: [91:47]–[96:47]; [98:03]–end

• Constant callbacks to family (especially parents), their quirks, generational differences, supporting or missing the show, and humorous interactions with them.

  "It's funny because she definitely feels bad and she's sending me texts. She's like. She probably didn't realize that it was a year away. I told her this. No, she knew this was coming. She was like, I have to go to Europe. Me and your aunt." – Matt [91:53]

• Dads calling for tickets, the power of local connections, small-town pride.

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Memorable Quotes

• "I'm going to panic. I'm going to get on stage and be like. The only thing I've got so far is I'm going to say a boom, boom, boom. Everybody say, wh. That'll be nice." – Matt [02:03]
• "If he gets a statue... What would... What would his like 4 score in several years? Quiet piggy was his epic." – Spade [09:06]
• "It is crazy, dude. At 40, your boner falls off a cliff. It's like clockwork. It's so... It's kind of sick." – Shane [44:06]
• "I'll just say, hey, let's wait. I was bricked up. I was completely bricked up." – Shane [29:35 / 29:37]
• "My mom's not even going. She went on vacation. It's funny because she definitely feels bad and she's sending me texts... She's like, 'just know that my soul is with you.' And I'm like, mom, you're on vacation." – Matt [91:47]
• "Smear the Queer was the best." – Shane [78:34] (childhood game reminiscing)

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Top Segments by Timestamp

• 00:58-02:30 – Matt’s existential fear about the show; fantasizing about flight.
• 02:29-03:14 – Crowd predictions; expectation of chaos, porta-potty logistics.
• 04:09-05:08 – Absurd real-life stories: human poop, stolen hoodie, dog disasters.
• 07:48-09:36 – Riffing Trump “soundboard” and political one-liners.
• 31:42-35:39 – “Boner cliff” at 40, sexual frustration, men’s health riffing.
• 55:00-61:03 – The magnesium overdose and supplement obsession.
• 91:47-96:47 – Moms, dads, family group texts, ticket hustles, proud but oblivious parental support.

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Tone & Style

The show retains its signature mix of locker-room bravado, philosophical asides, bizarre personal confessions, and affection for the blue-collar American weirdness. The comics undermine their own egos while boasting, commiserate sincerely about life's struggles, and chase the next bit, slipping rapidly from grounded observation into pure, absurd riff.

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For New Listeners

If you love rowdy, unfiltered hangs among old friends, who oscillate between ruthless ball-busting and genuine big-heartedness, with a constant current of standup anxiety, working-class nostalgia, over-the-top masculinity, and good-natured self-loathing…this episode is a classic “Matt & Shane’s Secret Podcast.”

Transcript

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

I'd be like shaking if I was one of you guys.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Like visibly.

[Matt]

I'd be like, if I think I

[Bill]

like, wake up and shake.

[Spade]

Don't show.

[Matt]

I honestly. I was texting Matt. I sent him the picture and I was like, we should not do this. We should leave the country. I'd like to leave the country. Yeah.

[Spade]

I would go to like Paraguay or something.

[Shane]

Temporary insanity.

[Matt]

I could leave.

[Spade]

I don't understand how to take some

[Matt]

of those guineas and damn spud. What's wrong with you?

[Shane]

Broego Dud. Go out there, build it up and

[Matt]

walk out and be like, my leg. Just bring someone else out. When's this going to come out?

[Spade]

Whenever I think garden. Tomorrow.

[Matt]

Tomorrow? Yeah.

[Shane]

We can wait till I don't get.

[Bill]

Do it pre. Pre show.

[Matt]

Well, then we won't talk about all the special guests. But Matthew will be on it.

[Shane]

True.

[Matt]

And it's terrifying. Oh, yeah. We've already

[Shane]

to. So we fired up.

[Spade]

Yeah. We're recording.

[Matt]

It's the scariest thing possible. This is a huge mistake. I got talked into this a year and a half ago and never really considered that one day it was going to actually happen.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And it's tomorrow. And I'm completely ill prepared. I have. I can't even think about doing standup. I'm thinking about the show itself.

[Bill]

How much stand up do I actually have to do?

[Matt]

I'm going to do. I don't have to do anything. I should probably do like a half hour and then I'm gonna bring someone else or just curate on stage with me.

[Shane]

Just walk around and be like another fine act.

[Spade]

Start a circus.

[Shane]

I'm actually running for mayor.

[Matt]

I've got you all gathered here. There's something I'd like to discuss.

[Shane]

Let's have four giant sponsorships.

[Spade]

You gotta do those Luke Belmar talks.

[Shane]

AI's taking over everything.

[Matt]

That's it. Everything. All of your jobs.

[Shane]

Welcome by Frost Bill. Welcome. Spud.

[Bill]

Make you more popular.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Do magic.

[Matt]

I'll do it. I'm going to panic.

[Spade]

I would throw up.

[Matt]

I'm going to get on stage and be like. The only thing I've got so far is I'm going to say a boom, boom, boom. Everybody say, wh. That'll be nice.

[Shane]

That'll be actually nice.

[Bill]

Start a wave. That'd be.

[Matt]

We got that going. We got the wave and boom, boom, boom.

[Spade]

Should bring a beach ball out. Getting beach balls going would be nice. Almost like recreating Woodstock.

[Matt]

Dude. This crowd's going to be. They're going to be Tailgating?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

All day.

[Spade]

It's going to be.

[Matt]

It's going to be the worst crowd.

[Spade]

It's going to look like Normandy.

[Matt]

It's going to be crazy.

[Shane]

My whole plan is just. I'm going to have a separate video. I'm going to my own video crew and I'm going try to crush heckler's the whole time. You shut the up, dude. I'm doing the show. Dude, stop eating. I'm doing a job.

[Bill]

Are you in the round?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Oh my God.

[Shane]

It's better.

[Bill]

I saw a clip. I saw. I was checking out like different seats in the lake.

[Shane]

What?

[Bill]

It looks like Wrestlemania was in the round.

[Matt]

Whoa.

[Bill]

That's like the Wrestlemania. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

Could wrestle too.

[Matt]

I'll wrestle.

[Shane]

Should do it all.

[Matt]

Look. Look at the folding chairs.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill]

They don't look terrifying. Yeah.

[Matt]

Also the people that are in the middle of these folders, that's the pit. You're never gonna be able to piss. No, no.

[Shane]

Pass out.

[Matt]

Those seats are expensive cooks.

[Shane]

Is there really the pass outs?

[Bill]

Is that a porta potty setup?

[Spade]

I think they do have little porta

[Shane]

potties and yeah, that's gonna be a piss on the ground setup. There's gonna be a lot of drugs.

[Bill]

There was a concert here.

[Matt]

This is gonna be.

[Shane]

It's gonna be a Roman city.

[Bill]

There was a concert here in Philly in some. Some like country kind of dude. And some chick just.

[Matt]

What?

[Bill]

She didn't want to leave her seat,

[Spade]

but it was a.

[Bill]

It was like a biohazard. She tried to let it out of her pants.

[Matt]

Yo.

[Shane]

Out of her cut off jeans.

[Spade]

Ever see people on like CCTV shake out a log? Yeah, it's crazy. Know how that works? It would be like all down my leg, dude.

[Matt]

Not even shaking that log. There's that one of that like Asian guy at the register. He just pulls his pants out and just. Yeah, pulls his pants back.

[Spade]

You have to be so certain. There's no wiping involved.

[Bill]

There was a dude that used to hit that at the park when I was walking my dog and he had this hoodie and one day he left the hoodie and I picked it up, but I still have the hoodie. It's a good ass hoodie.

[Shane]

Yeah, but he would.

[Bill]

Dude, he hit like hurt people.

[Matt]

Hurt people.

[Bill]

Well, what shit's in the hedges. Try to keep Zeus from eating it. Yeah, because they do dogs love human poop. Yeah, they love to eat it.

[Matt]

Yeah, I can see that. You have his hoodie.

[Bill]

Yeah, it says Blazer soccer. It's real thick. You ever get like a real thick hoodie.

[Spade]

It is a very. I saw the hoodie. I was like, that's a heavy cotton blend. I like that.

[Bill]

They don't make this anymore.

[Matt]

The guy's launching into the hedges.

[Shane]

He left his sweatshirt and snagged it.

[Bill]

You would eat so much. You go the hedges and like, if he was in there for too long, be like, what are you doing? Come out like the smell of human on a dog's breath, bro. Ah.

[Spade]

Then Spade had the single cab truck, so there's no air going anywhere.

[Shane]

Also, to be fair, he would have all people respect. Finders keepers.

[Bill]

Yeah, obviously.

[Shane]

I'm almost positive he found that he lives exclusively.

[Bill]

He was a red haired. He was a red haired homeless man.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yo, that's rare.

[Matt]

It's a rare one.

[Spade]

It's like a time traveler rare one.

[Shane]

Truly rejected.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It's just a nerve wracking endeavor you got yourself there.

[Spade]

Spades driver.

[Bill]

I mean, you both you guys. What are you talking about?

[Matt]

This is like we're on acid again, man. I can't believe how high you are.

[Spade]

This is the first time we've all been together since then as a unit.

[Bill]

Maybe possibly Chicago.

[Matt]

Take me back. Chicago. Heck of a city. Awesome city. Every time, people. Yeah, it's a beautiful city. Dude, you're drenched in sweat. Shut the up. I'm trying to join the conversation.

[Shane]

Every time I even think about Oasis people like that. I saw my concert. I'm like, dude, their concerts are the best. Yeah, I swear there's amazing.

[Matt]

You're seeing you let loose like that brought me so much joy.

[Shane]

I was gone.

[Matt]

Holding the bottle of tequila. Shirt over your head.

[Spade]

That was great, bro.

[Bill]

I had no idea tequila is so expensive.

[Shane]

I got like so attacked. I was like, I have to give this bottle out. And I was like giving it to people. And they were short. They thought it was laced with acid. They were like, whoa. Because I'd be like, drink it just. They're like, what's it? I'm like, it's just a killer watch. And I would just chug a bunch out of it.

[Matt]

We could have been. We could have been fine with that. Half a tab.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Greed.

[Shane]

That was.

[Matt]

I looked at not even.

[Bill]

I mean, tell us all the time. Yeah, I look psychedelics.

[Shane]

Acid, especially as you go this rule. I literally. I just got done banishing all of the negative, negative thoughts from my head. I was like, I don't need these anymore.

[Bill]

Never been able to do that.

[Shane]

I. Dude, I. I was like sitting there and I was like, I don't need these right now. And I had to let go of. That's why I was dancing Gmail inbox.

[Spade]

I was like, what the.

[Shane]

I was writing myself emails.

[Spade]

That's Sigma grind set.

[Shane]

Yeah, well, Sigma.

[Bill]

Dude.

[Shane]

Dude, I'll take it. I'll take it.

[Matt]

You know, email yourself while you're on acid. And Oasis. It's so crazy.

[Spade]

I forget. Dude, I got in the multiverse.

[Matt]

Coffee. I told you it was a cafe.

[Shane]

It was the caffeine.

[Spade]

You got Restaurant Depot, esp. That was strong.

[Bill]

Acid deletes alcohol.

[Shane]

It does.

[Bill]

It's so powerful.

[Shane]

It's crazy. That tequila couldn't touch me.

[Matt]

It was one of the way.

[Shane]

It just kept. It just kept. It was. It just kept kicking in, though. I was like, take me back.

[Matt]

But we do have beach trip.

[Shane]

I know beach trip will be decent. I'm excited.

[Spade]

That's my final hurrah. And then I'll be in a different house. That's my final vacation. Yeah.

[Matt]

Then you're gonna get your new house. Yes.

[Spade]

Literally right afterwards.

[Matt]

I doubt it.

[Bill]

Getting off girlfriend island. Swear to God, this is the first

[Shane]

time she's going to girlfriend to stand on deployment.

[Matt]

Dude.

[Spade]

A wife.

[Shane]

A Stan wife.

[Spade]

Real.

[Shane]

I just read a really nice book. I'm. I'm obsessed with the French right now. I've been reading a lot of French authors. This guy wrote a book about if the, like. If Muslims actually took over France. It was like a novel.

[Bill]

Campus Saints.

[Shane]

Huh?

[Bill]

Campus Saints.

[Shane]

No, it's called Submission by Michael Holland.

[Matt]

Dude.

[Shane]

It's. I don't know why, but he keeps referencing Nietzsche. But anytime he references Nietzsche goes the old queer Nietzsche. It's just so funny. Just be out for no reason. Just be like. And then that'll. Maybe that old was right about Christianity.

[Matt]

Reminds me of if you said Buddha judges. You see that Trump trying not to call him gay. Yeah. He's like Mayor Pete who rides a bike with a guy, which is. I don't. That's what he likes. That's fine. He rides bikes with other guys. Guys,

[Bill]

I want to get a soundboard for Trump when it's all over.

[Shane]

When it's all said and done.

[Bill]

It's all said and done. It's going to be the best soundboard ever.

[Shane]

Yeah. His pull string.

[Bill]

Dollar the size of it, you stupid person.

[Matt]

Double the size of it, you stupid person.

[Bill]

Quiet piggy.

[Matt]

Quiet piggy. It's like top.

[Shane]

If he gets a statue. Yeah. What would. What would his like 4 score in several years?

[Bill]

I don't like to bring up people's

[Spade]

weight I can lose a few four

[Shane]

score in several years.

[Spade]

Stand back and stand by.

[Matt]

Yeah, stand back.

[Spade]

Standby or. Or you'd be in jail.

[Shane]

No, stand down. Stand by.

[Spade]

Stand back.

[Shane]

You'd be in jail. Quiet Piggy might be.

[Spade]

Quiet Piggy was his epic. He's completely lost his fastball. Dude, the real was the.

[Matt]

Keep saying that. Piggy was 105 down the pipe.

[Spade]

Quiet piggy's the number one and double

[Bill]

the size of it is up there too.

[Matt]

Dumb or stupid person?

[Bill]

I can't remember.

[Spade]

Stupid person. 2016. He was on fire.

[Matt]

Of course.

[Bill]

Yeah, he's on fire.

[Matt]

He won. He got the Cy Young that year.

[Bill]

He's throwing some wild pitches like Democrats is a Wildcats. Yo, I saw you on the All Star or on the.

[Matt]

Yeah, it was awesome.

[Bill]

That was a bummer.

[Spade]

HR day.

[Bill]

I wanted sure bombs. Dude.

[Shane]

Who won?

[Matt]

This kid from Dang.

[Spade]

I couldn't imagine anything better. Maybe like an extreme firework show, but. Home run.

[Matt]

Home run.

[Bill]

Yeah. I was watching. I was like, I want to take my kid to this. This one day. Get like a 10 year old at a home run.

[Shane]

Is it a pitching machine?

[Bill]

No, it's a guy. It's like you got your guy, you

[Matt]

pick your own guy.

[Shane]

So he's gonna. He's gonna send it to you.

[Bill]

And sometimes they don't. It was killing me.

[Shane]

Yeah, I didn't even think about that.

[Bill]

Whatever, man. I'd be like, he's like your spotter.

[Shane]

He's like the guy at the dunk contest throwing the oops.

[Bill]

Yeah, dude. It just makes you. It makes you realize how easy home

[Matt]

runs is for you Ever see when Diddy got on his toes? He. He. The guy jumped over and you see did. He's. He gets on his tipp to be out.

[Shane]

He's going to be out? Yeah, he's going to be out.

[Matt]

People are going to have to answer spot. It reminded me of when you and me were at the World Series and there's putting the. The giant. The flag the size of the outfield with a flyover and just being like we're the greatest. It was the exact same. Like that was the most American. It's like we were drinking beer, watching guys hit home runs over and over again while they're blasting music and we're like booing the kids if a kid drops a ball because there's little kids in the outfield. The whole stadium.

[Bill]

You don't see this in other countries. You don't see this.

[Matt]

It was wonderful.

[Spade]

Spade at the Grove. I thought he was going to Have a fucking heart attack. The Grove is not real.

[Matt]

That was mad on ass. That was him at the Grove Gone.

[Spade]

You would have thought it was on six grams of mushrooms. He literally got overtaken by the spirit of dirt.

[Bill]

It's the vibration. I think if I had to nail it down to one thing, it's the sound and the vibration, dude. That's not world.

[Shane]

So that's other world.

[Matt]

It's louder, please. Imagine every summer night.

[Bill]

I mean, you're.

[Matt]

That's Usually sit on the. I would open my window as a kid and listen to. You could hear the growth. Phil will call me now and be like, what's going on? I'll be like, nothing, dude.

[Bill]

You gotta make a beer.

[Matt]

You gotta listen to the Grove.

[Bill]

Take some of your money, right? Take some of your money and make a movie about that. The Grove be so sick, dude.

[Shane]

Grove would be nice.

[Matt]

The Grove is nice comedy. That's what I actually. I did want to do that. I talked about that. People tell me not to.

[Shane]

I'll do the Grove.

[Matt]

I wanted to do like a dude,

[Bill]

like a little boy being, like, hearing it and somehow making that a movie. That's sick.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. It's kind of like Ricky Bobby, but we can do it.

[Shane]

Bobby Ricky.

[Matt]

Yeah. It has nothing to do with it. I swear to God. We're not copying it. But yes, the character's name is Bobby Ricky.

[Shane]

Or dude. Just be like, dude, let's do a sequel. Part two. Not do part two. And he. He say Ricky Bobby. Maybe says the wrong thing and he goes through the third track and then

[Matt]

wins and becomes my favorite NASCAR driver.

[Bill]

That's nothing to do with NASCAR, though. Right? Like, that's not even.

[Matt]

I mean, some of the drivers are.

[Bill]

Some of the drivers, they'll graduate from

[Matt]

that to nascar, I would imagine a little. Yeah, for sure. But they also, like, come back down and do that.

[Bill]

I painted for a dude that, like, built cars for his kid. He was like a mechanic and he built, like, little Indy car. Dude, it's mega bucks.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill]

So, like, go take your kid on one of those indie tours.

[Shane]

Yeah, man. I. I knew. I knew someone who used to do, like, dirt track racing. He was in high school, and that was like. It was like his thing.

[Bill]

He was into, like, the ones with the fans.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. Wait, what do you mean?

[Matt]

Like, the ones that.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, on the. Oh, yeah, yeah. But the. I remember that's. He would go to the dirt track and it was like his thing.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

He had a rich Daddy. His daddy would buy his. Get the trailer with the cars and he would just go race people.

[Bill]

It's a good upgrade from hockey.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Dirt bike kids used to get a lot of. Back in the day, I remember kids, like, go dirt bike racing on the weekends. There's always something happening with the cool fox.

[Matt]

Long sleeves. Yeah.

[Shane]

Frosted.

[Matt]

Frosted wear that.

[Spade]

I like how black dudes adopted that. They also wear, like, motocross at nascar.

[Bill]

They love.

[Matt]

Yeah, they love our drip, dude, for sure. They love the Eminem yellow jacket.

[Shane]

I'm. I'm more into the. The high, high black fashion, like, Playboy playbook. Cardi. What's NBA? Young boy? You just wear, like, black leather. You wear, like, black leather and just kind of like, sit and look like a vampire now. They vamp out hard. Playboy. I saw a video.

[Spade]

Emo.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah, it is. It's like. But it's like leather. You had some leather going.

[Matt]

A little bit of swag.

[Shane]

It's like, Rick. Who's the guy? Rick Owens. I sent you a video. Rick Owens.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Dude, it's the coolest.

[Spade]

Ever see him get scared by the flash? No, it's a hilarious. He gets flashed. He's like 90 million years old. And some photographer, like, remember when they hit you at helium? Yeah, dude, that, like, it's almost like a flashback. And he, like, almost fell over on granite steps and, like, regained his balance and kept walking.

[Matt]

Got me on Monday when I was checking into the hotel. Insane photos.

[Bill]

Why do they do this?

[Matt]

They go, hey, Shane. And you literally. You're like, I have a book bag. I'm hunched over.

[Bill]

Is that like a couple hundred bucks for somebody? Like, why are they doing it?

[Matt]

I know.

[Shane]

You should start being like, stop.

[Bill]

Viral reels every time you're in Canada.

[Matt]

That would make it way worse.

[Spade]

You just gotta start getting out of cars with your balls hanging out.

[Matt]

I literally might have.

[Bill]

His balls are out.

[Shane]

Lindsay Lohan, just somehow show your butthole every time.

[Spade]

You got your tainting a picture. That would literally be legendary. I would hang that up with, like,

[Shane]

this, like, trying to shield your face.

[Bill]

I was watching some. I was watching that body cam footage where the guys, like, take a picture of my dick. Please raise my balls up. Don't be scared.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Don't be afraid.

[Matt]

Yes. Yeah.

[Spade]

Body.

[Bill]

Don't be afraid.

[Spade]

I lose a lot of my hours to body cam, dude. Ever since you said Midwest safety.

[Matt]

I.

[Spade]

What the Lord gave me, I started crushing that.

[Matt]

I lost so good.

[Shane]

Yeah. It was like a month on flights just watching. Yeah.

[Matt]

The one of me and blizz have been dying watching this guy I might have talked about last time. There's a guy, he's a white supremacist. A cop pulls him over. He's like, yeah, my IDs. My IDs in my bag. He just takes a gun out, shoots the cop, kills the cop. Then every cop.

[Bill]

All right, not funny.

[Matt]

Then every single cop chases him. He's driving down the highway with 900, 900 cop cars. And they get the. They're like, we need the Bearcat. They always break out the Bear Cat tank. They started hitting his car with his tank, dude.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Then they. He finally stops. Every single cop gets out and shoots everyone. Was, like, taking turns.

[Spade]

Like, imagine if you really wanted to kill someone and you're a cop and it's finally there. You're speeding. They're probably salivating, trying to shoot them.

[Matt]

They show the guys in the cars

[Spade]

like it's a free shot.

[Matt]

Loading guns.

[Shane]

I think that's fair.

[Matt]

Then they show the forensics from inside the car. It's hilarious. There's 900 lines going. Yeah. To his head. He must have been in the car. Like, it must have been crazy.

[Bill]

I gotta rewatch. Grand theory.

[Shane]

That was great. Yeah, that's fair.

[Spade]

If you.

[Shane]

You should have. Like, if you shoot a cop, they should be able to shoot, like, find you and shoot you.

[Bill]

They made a Netflix thing. Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah, they'll get you.

[Bill]

They made a Netflix documentary just based on body footage. Everybody.

[Spade]

That was great.

[Bill]

Next door. And it's just. This lady was, like, crazy. She lived in this neighborhood.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Bill]

Every time a kid came on our lawn, she called the cops. So the cops came over so much. There was enough body cam footage for a documentary and they edited into, like,

[Matt]

a story that was never.

[Spade]

They were fucking.

[Bill]

I was so sad.

[Matt]

So sad.

[Bill]

But there's. There was never an actual camera. It's all that.

[Spade]

The one dude, though, who, like, it's in Florida.

[Bill]

Florida nuts.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

His OG baby, like, baby daddy of the girl who got shot. That guy was kind of like, hey, who's the best dad in the world? I love you guys. I'm the best daddy you got, man. You know? I love you the most. Mom's dead now. Dude. This is amazing. Just getting wrecked by some fat.

[Matt]

Those kids are definitely with that lady.

[Bill]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, the lady they were torturing.

[Matt]

So fun.

[Bill]

Torturing her.

[Matt]

It must have been so fun.

[Bill]

Yeah. Especially when, you know, it's not fun.

[Shane]

What?

[Bill]

Every kid with you. If you're white in a black neighborhood, every kid takes turns with you. It Just is what it is.

[Spade]

K's going to shoot a mom and movement.

[Bill]

So I got the meta glasses. I'm ready.

[Shane]

I go, oh, you got the meta.

[Bill]

Is my safety. Your safety.

[Matt]

That's step one.

[Spade]

Step one is you start filming, then you start plotting.

[Matt]

Step one is definitely start filling.

[Shane]

I mean, that's.

[Spade]

I got you.

[Shane]

I saw.

[Bill]

But I. I want. There's this thing I was like, all these creep glasses, I was like, I need those.

[Shane]

Yeah. Do you have the met glass?

[Bill]

I got metas.

[Shane]

People would pay. I feel like people pay good money for that.

[Bill]

If I'm outside my house, dude, I got my medic on.

[Spade]

Dude, spitting at spade.

[Shane]

No, no, no.

[Bill]

I'm saying just getting like in my driveway.

[Shane]

I don't know, I feel like you could sell it. You could sell that to like the anti racism crowd. If you like a 55 year old, like white New York Times lady, she would probably pay money to get like hazed by young black kids.

[Matt]

True footage, the VR footage.

[Shane]

I deserve this now.

[Spade]

When push comes to shove, they immediately go into white supremacy.

[Bill]

I mean, Malcolm X used to talk.

[Matt]

I voted Democrat.

[Bill]

You.

[Shane]

I'm trying to help.

[Bill]

How dare you?

[Matt]

You.

[Shane]

You don't even know what you're doing.

[Bill]

I'm on your side, dummy.

[Spade]

I love that. Doing BLM dudes are like chanting. Just a brick going through a dorm window from three stores.

[Matt]

We're on your side. We're on your side, man. What the Beer pong. They're playing beer pong. Protesters walk by and they're like, yeah.

[Spade]

What the.

[Matt]

Oh, my God. They just scream. Yeah.

[Spade]

It was a long.

[Matt]

What the man might have been Kaepernick himself. That was a bullet. Whoever threw that, that was a long spiral brick.

[Shane]

So what do you have any good footage of the. Of the kids?

[Bill]

What are you talking about?

[Shane]

Hey, stop it.

[Bill]

Not yet. I just have them on for protection.

[Shane]

You're ready. There you go.

[Bill]

And the neighborhood is getting nicer. But for years there, I mean, Bill can attest to this.

[Spade]

It was nice, dude. Wild West. Wild.

[Shane]

I was. I was walking.

[Bill]

That was the main thing. Like all these, like, people, all these liberal people be like, oh, saying all this BLM is like, dude, are you seeing what I'm seeing?

[Shane]

True.

[Bill]

This is not where I live.

[Shane]

Tap it. Tap into the glass. Tap into the view. I was walking Zeus one time. You put him on, you find out today, Spade just rage baiting the whole time.

[Bill]

Like, I know that this is not. I know this isn't the rest of the world, but we're in West Philadelphia. I'm a Langster app. There's like, a free food thing, right? There's a white liberal chick trying to cross the street, all, like, hobbly, moving slow with a K95 mask on.

[Spade]

They're called cripsters.

[Bill]

Obviously, there's. There's smoke in the air, right? This is a place to go get free food. She's going into an Audi.

[Matt]

There's tons of free bananas.

[Bill]

So she's going, dude, like, she's getting free food going into an Audi. She's larva on some larp.

[Shane]

She's larvin. Yeah.

[Bill]

You know what I mean?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

I'm not gonna listen to these people.

[Shane]

Yeah, she's. Yeah, she's in her community. Larping.

[Spade]

Whatever. Crypto. I swear to God, I watched the crips.

[Bill]

You walk all slow, kind of like some weird. Put on some weird ass limp.

[Spade]

Dude. I literally saw cripster at a bus stop, and she got up off her wheelchair and sat back down.

[Shane]

Holy.

[Spade]

You're actually stealing.

[Matt]

They're pumped on the masks right now. I was walking.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

They're so excited to break this.

[Bill]

They're like, please get your K95. Their quality is low, and we should just always be wearing this.

[Shane]

Also, do you remember being young?

[Bill]

Yo, I might start wearing it. Flock cameras.

[Shane]

M. Yeah, true. Put on the. What you see.

[Bill]

They have a. I'll go full unabomber.

[Shane]

They have. You remember, Decor videotape.

[Spade]

You going right into your house.

[Shane]

They have glasses you can buy now that apparently, like, throw your face off on AI.

[Bill]

Oh, yeah, the Chinese.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

But, like, you literally would have to be walking around, like, no phone, no car. You'd have to be naked.

[Shane]

I know.

[Bill]

Yeah. The phone is like. Phone's got you dead to rights.

[Shane]

Yeah. The phone's got you audio, video, gps.

[Matt]

I mean. Yeah, I don't care. Yeah, obviously you don't want mass surveillance like that.

[Spade]

But I don't know how they're giving tickets out, though. People are getting, like, tickets or being on their phone and there's a cop.

[Bill]

I don't. I can't remember where the cop was. I want to say taxi or Pasadena maybe. I don't know. Some cop started stalking a female cop that he knew using the flat camera.

[Spade]

Yeah, I mean, with great power comes great responsibility. I've just watched all three spider mans.

[Shane]

Wait, the guy was.

[Matt]

He was that treating.

[Bill]

It was a cow.

[Spade]

Pretty good.

[Shane]

He was using.

[Bill]

He was using the flat camera system. So you can, like, tap into this. If you're like a cop, you can, like, Be like, oh, let's see what's going on. But he was doing it to take a look at. Take a peek on a co worker. They've been.

[Shane]

They've been doing that with, like. Well, at least the civilians to their phone numbers. You file a report, like, I'm gonna need your phone number.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Like, hey, they're like, five beers deep.

[Matt]

Like, yo, are you all right? It's a shield. There was a guy at Michigan football who was sneaking into the athletic department that had all the female athletes emails and passwords.

[Spade]

Dude, didn't he get on their webcams?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

So they still trying to act like they're all big and bad then. Know Ohio State has that wrestling dude, that was, like, the worst. That was the worst ever. He was, like, literally pulling on people's dicks.

[Bill]

And Penn State might have.

[Spade]

Sanduski. He's done.

[Bill]

I'm just saying we might.

[Spade]

Michigan's still, like, a little big for their britches after having to do literally goon on girls webcams.

[Matt]

I agree.

[Spade]

You should be shut down for a year.

[Matt]

And their head coach break into the lady's house and be like, I'm gonna kill myself. You.

[Bill]

There's a lot of magic on me right now.

[Spade]

I forgot that that happened.

[Matt]

That poor guy threatened. He also. He would have been fine if somebody else would hire him right away. What'd he do? He hooked up with a chick that works for the team.

[Spade]

But, oh, he got in trouble for going to her house and saying he's gonna kill himself.

[Matt]

Then when he broke into her house after word got out, he's, like, crying. Exactly.

[Shane]

It's funny, though.

[Matt]

What the are you talking to her for?

[Shane]

He probably thought, like, this might work. I'm like, it. I'm like a.

[Spade]

No, you're. You're, like, drunk. Yeah. You break into someone's house. Like, you're probably either blacked out or on psych meds. Like, no normal human could be in love.

[Shane]

Love makes you do crazy things.

[Spade]

Yeah, I heard it's one of the most powerful.

[Shane]

That's why I say Falling in love.

[Bill]

E.J. wants me to watch Obsession. He says it's real.

[Matt]

Obsession?

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's Girlfriend simulator.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

First half of the movie is just not a scary movie.

[Bill]

This is what they're, like, for real?

[Matt]

Yes.

[Bill]

You have to see this. Like, all right.

[Shane]

That's so funny.

[Matt]

The guy, the main character, and it's gonna piss you off.

[Bill]

Really?

[Spade]

Okay.

[Matt]

Yeah, he's. He's a little beta, a little soft boy.

[Spade]

I just watched Tom Holland Spider Man's dude sometimes. Yeah, he's a beast. But he doesn't look like it at first. Then once he gets it.

[Bill]

Well, you're judging on size, because that's it. That's what you do.

[Spade]

All right.

[Shane]

You don't like friends with short people.

[Spade]

I'm literally friends with short people.

[Shane]

You don't like Toby McGuire.

[Spade]

I like Tom Holland the most.

[Bill]

Yeah, Tom Holland's the best one. I never liked Andrew Garfield either.

[Spade]

I also like the powers he has on his suit.

[Matt]

And Toby Maguire.

[Spade]

Toby Maguire is the only one who actually shoots web.

[Bill]

So funny. I used to break my balls about Marvel. Nerd stuff. You get one chick that's into it, and now listen to you.

[Shane]

That's how. That's exactly how it works.

[Bill]

This is crazy.

[Spade]

You're literally.

[Matt]

You're literally.

[Bill]

You watch the Eternals?

[Shane]

Guilty as charged.

[Spade]

I watched half the Eternals, and I was like this because it could have been sick.

[Shane]

Wait, what's the Eternal?

[Bill]

Bill's holding together a sacred timeline right now with Marvel.

[Spade]

Yeah, I don't really like the multiverse, but I am in the sacred timeline I'm. I'm going through from 1940, starting at Captain America, and currently I'm on. I just finished Spider Man.

[Bill]

His chick has gone. The actual.

[Shane]

I did it. I literally did this.

[Spade]

What else?

[Shane]

Eight years ago.

[Bill]

You did it with soups. You did it with, like, CW soups.

[Shane]

I did all. I did. I did the. I did. What is it? I did the Vampire Diaries.

[Bill]

Yeah, you did.

[Shane]

I did Marvel, too.

[Bill]

Oh, you did Marvel, too?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, I did all that.

[Matt]

The McGuffies are susceptible to girls 100 girl TV.

[Bill]

Oh, there's.

[Shane]

It's called King Sip

[Spade]

Girl man.

[Shane]

Marvel.

[Bill]

Come on.

[Shane]

It's true.

[Bill]

It's true.

[Shane]

Literally. The King Sip, bro.

[Matt]

Spidey, some jeans, girl. Spiderman. Spider man is the most girl out of all the Spider Man. If I hear you talk about Wonder Woman, we're gonna have.

[Spade]

I hate that. I didn't watch. I literally skipped.

[Shane]

Doctor Strange is my. I'm a Doctor Strange.

[Spade]

Right.

[Bill]

Billy also likes Doctor Strange.

[Shane]

Doctor Strange might be the best. Honestly, me and Spade watch.

[Spade]

We went to San Diego, dude. We went and saw Guardians of the Galaxy 3.

[Shane]

That's different. Guardians is number one.

[Spade]

One seat apart. And we were literally just waiting for our fight. Went through the place. I think it was in Coronado. And almost cried together watching it.

[Bill]

Guardians is a little too close.

[Shane]

I'm trying to think. What was the show? The show. I didn't watch Vampire Diaries. I watched the spin off of vampire. It was called the.

[Bill]

That's insane.

[Spade]

I didn't watch that since I was, like, 17.

[Matt]

Give me that.

[Spade]

Give me that.

[Shane]

Those shows are you on.

[Spade]

Where are you on shows?

[Bill]

Maybe it's somebody else. I'm thinking, were you watching, like, Archer and, like, the Batman? The Gotham?

[Shane]

I watch Gotham.

[Bill]

I watch Gotham.

[Shane]

Also a terrible.

[Bill]

These are crazy shows to watch.

[Shane]

Yeah. Very bad shows.

[Bill]

I'm not trying to niche, Bog.

[Shane]

It's girl shows. You're. When you're first with the babe, you're just like, okay, what are we gonna do? And she's like, we're gonna watch, like, the worst show ever.

[Spade]

I mean, she hit me with Studio Ghibli, which was honestly pretty good. Unreal. And then I hit Harry Potter for the first time ever.

[Shane]

So. I mean, Harry Potter.

[Matt]

That's why I'm not married.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

But the girls I'm with are getting hit with Rude Von Nessroy. All goals scored by Manchester United. They're getting hit with Jeremiah Love Highlights.

[Bill]

This is niche mogging.

[Spade]

Yeah, that's.

[Matt]

That's what they're getting hit with.

[Spade]

Yeah. It's like an iPad, kid.

[Matt]

Yeah. You watch this? Check this out.

[Shane]

I'm not used to having.

[Matt]

The Eagles were before this game.

[Shane]

I'm too. I'm too little, bro. I don't even. I don't. I see a remote. I'm just. I just, like, look at it.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. I'm like, I don't. I don't. I'm a scumbag.

[Spade]

Whatever you want, put it on. I'm not.

[Shane]

I think. I think the show I was watching was called the Immortals.

[Spade]

I think that the movie is the Immortals and the dude from Silicon Valley, the Indian guys in it, and he has, like, finger guns. And I was like, dude, this is three, literally.

[Bill]

No, you're talking about Eternals.

[Spade]

Eternals, yeah.

[Bill]

Sorry.

[Spade]

Immortals. Might have been one.

[Bill]

Immortals without Henry Cavill.

[Spade]

You don't like any superhero?

[Matt]

I like the Guardians of the Galaxy. That Guardians is good.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's. That doesn't even count. That doesn't even count.

[Spade]

I never saw any of the X Men.

[Shane]

The Originals. Sorry. It's called the Originals.

[Matt]

I think there was an X Men that I liked.

[Spade]

That's what I'm saying.

[Matt]

It's good. Yeah.

[Bill]

Last in.

[Shane]

It's pretty good.

[Spade]

And then I got a little me time, and I was like, hey, why don't we watch no country for All Men? And she was into it, and the ending happened, and it was. She was pissed. So what the Was that? So that's the end of the movie. It's sick.

[Shane]

No, it's got you. They need clean resolutions, dude.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

They need two people to go, wait, wait, you can't get on that plane. Anything outside of that, they go, what the. Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

[Spade]

And then that other video.

[Matt]

How come he's not talking to himself the entire movie? Explaining exactly what he's doing? I don't know what he's doing.

[Spade]

How do you get here?

[Bill]

It's weird because they don't care about it when it's horny time.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

There's a movie that's all horny time. They don't. They don't need explanations.

[Spade]

They don't know a guy's name or anything.

[Shane]

I might fire up 50 shades. Might fire that back up.

[Spade]

Go into it or just.

[Shane]

No, rent it. Just watch it, right? And watch.

[Matt]

It's all about. I've never seen it. Fifty Shades is.

[Spade]

You watched it?

[Shane]

I saw. I went and saw. In the theaters.

[Bill]

Yeah, I'm trying to see Odyssey.

[Shane]

I was on a date. I was on a date.

[Matt]

That's a crazy date. Which date?

[Shane]

Like early years. It's like an early day years ago.

[Matt]

It was like a first or second.

[Shane]

No, no, no.

[Spade]

That's like seventh grade movie.

[Bill]

I mean, you can look up when that came out.

[Shane]

You can look up. You can look up the error, but it was way, way back.

[Spade]

Mouse in his villain arc.

[Shane]

Different people, different time, different people.

[Matt]

Tinder date to 50 before.

[Shane]

It was before that. No, it was before that.

[Bill]

Balls, bro.

[Shane]

It was another lifetime. Whole other lifetime.

[Matt]

Horny.

[Spade]

That's like Gervin putting on the red lights.

[Matt]

That is. That is German. Taking it to Chinatown.

[Bill]

It's hitting me right now that you are. You're Taxi Driver walking in the theater.

[Shane]

Did you finish? It was different lifetime, dude.

[Spade]

I hear he was.

[Bill]

Man. I remember 2015 too.

[Spade]

Same old Matt. 2015.

[Matt]

What were you.

[Shane]

No, I think. I think it was older. That might have been the. The new one.

[Spade]

Talking about the original 50 more shades

[Shane]

or whatever that was. 50 more. I'm talking about 50.

[Spade]

Damn. I didn't know you were goon like that.

[Shane]

I was good. I was suave.

[Spade]

I'll just say, hey, let's wait.

[Shane]

I was bricked up. I was completely bricked up.

[Spade]

I would have been.

[Shane]

Yeah, I mean, you know, I was eternally bricked.

[Spade]

Dude, chicks are always reading those sexy books.

[Shane]

The sexy books non stop. The best is when they are reading a sexy book. You just sit there and start reading out loud what they're reading. They get so Mad. It gets like, stop, you're ruining it.

[Spade]

It's very hot.

[Matt]

They're in book clubs.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They all read sexy book together, horny books and talk about it.

[Bill]

That's so.

[Spade]

That's like jerking off together in seventh grade, dude.

[Bill]

Literally.

[Shane]

They're good.

[Bill]

They might just be late on that. They hit their sexual peak late.

[Shane]

They do.

[Spade]

I think they're late on everything.

[Shane]

What they do with it, I don't know, but

[Matt]

I haven't run into it yet.

[Shane]

Kind of keep it to themselves. Yeah, I've heard that. I've read that A long time ago. The women peak sexually around like. Like, what is it, 35 or 40?

[Bill]

Yeah, yeah. They just don't usually do with their husbands.

[Shane]

Yeah, they do.

[Matt]

They.

[Shane]

They like to build a life that they can just build up deep sexual frustration with it and then they betray it all.

[Spade]

That's hot.

[Shane]

It is hot. It's undeniably. It's undeniably.

[Bill]

You need the gold because it's got the mental.

[Shane]

I don't know if you know, but it does to your brain. It helps you.

[Spade]

Have you tried it?

[Shane]

No.

[Matt]

No.

[Bill]

Yeah, like trying to give out all the dudes tea in the army.

[Shane]

Is he really?

[Bill]

Oh, it's gonna be nuts.

[Shane]

I think that's what you get. You get like testosterone and you get like the apoc. You get read like the book of Revelations and then you go and you do what needs to be done, obviously, to create.

[Bill]

Imagine. Imagine they had like T boosters in the. In the original crusade.

[Shane]

They did, dude, they did. It was just all like 18 year olds.

[Matt]

Truly?

[Shane]

Yeah. Is he getting that approved?

[Bill]

Yeah. You like get tested.

[Spade]

30 years old.

[Bill]

Just get tested. Everyone's gonna be juiced up.

[Shane]

Dude, smart.

[Spade]

Pretty much making Spartans again.

[Shane]

Pretty much.

[Spade]

I wouldn't mind.

[Shane]

That is what it is. We got. We gotta do what we gotta do.

[Matt]

We need jacked, guys.

[Bill]

You need more Odysseus, dude.

[Shane]

I just want the.

[Matt]

You need silver Odysseus.

[Shane]

I just want them to isolate. I want to isolate the mental aspect of the new boner pills. Give me just that. How powerful would you be with just the mental aspect? Just mentally.

[Matt]

I wish. I wish my dick worked. I'm so horny.

[Spade]

That is literally called Aderall, bro.

[Shane]

Yeah, you get sh. You get.

[Spade]

You just get sh. Your head going a thousand miles a minute.

[Matt]

But I don't get very horny on it.

[Spade]

I don't get. My dick literally goes away.

[Shane]

I want mental horn.

[Bill]

I only experienced that one time.

[Matt]

No one can see this.

[Bill]

The molly. I only experienced that one time where

[Shane]

I was like, whoa, Molly's a shriveler. Molly's a monster shriveler.

[Matt]

But you don't mind.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

While you're on Molly Adderall, though, you hit the urinal and you go, dude, no. Please, no one see this. I had to take, like.

[Bill]

That's what I was telling Bill. Like, all these.

[Spade]

All these cadaver.

[Bill]

All these dudes are getting psyoped on, like, getting their T tested, and it's like, if I was like, yo, let me measure your dick right now. Yeah, that's what. They're just taking, like, one little reading and changes during the day.

[Shane]

It does.

[Bill]

You know, anything. You want to measure your dick. Like, someone should be measuring it constantly for, like, a week. And then you're like, there it is.

[Spade]

A tea reader.

[Bill]

That's the.

[Shane]

There was a. I think it's too.

[Matt]

Yardstick in my new house.

[Bill]

Let's go.

[Matt]

That was left over. As soon as I saw it.

[Bill]

I was like, yeah, let's see where we're at.

[Matt]

Hide that. I never want to see this thing. I haven't seen what 7 inches looks like in so long. I thought I was close. Dude, it's not a remote. We're not even near that. I just literally.

[Bill]

It's like one of these literally saw

[Matt]

it across the room, and I was

[Spade]

like, start measuring from behind your balls, bro. The shaft goes past it.

[Shane]

Any dude with a tape measure does the same exact thing every single time.

[Spade]

You just go, that's. What if.

[Shane]

You're probably about.

[Spade]

If you're with it, maybe it is that. Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

And then you go, that's what nine looks like. Jesus Christ. You put it away.

[Spade]

Pulling out tape measure. Looking at 13 inches is literally classic. Every time. That's pretty nice.

[Matt]

Doesn't exist.

[Bill]

Those are the best reels. The guys are like, yo, cut that two inches. And the guy's like, you know,

[Spade]

there was an iron worker. He constantly would tell us. We were, like, 19 years old. He was like, I got a. Like, a hockey puck. I was like, bro, why you telling me this?

[Bill]

What does that even mean?

[Spade]

Like, Fat Gordo said he had, like, a wog.

[Shane]

I. I shared. I shared an office with a guy who would just constantly tell me about his huge penis.

[Spade]

I would, too, honestly, if I.

[Shane]

He would be like, I spit women's mouths. He's like, that's what you do. That's what they want. You just go, you fucking whore. He would claim. He goes, what they want you to do?

[Bill]

Never understood this.

[Shane]

I. I would sit there and go, it's deeply troubled.

[Matt]

Yeah. So I will not do that. I'll never.

[Shane]

As I said I would never hear

[Matt]

a girl told me to do it. I'll go. You, you don't like that. With you.

[Shane]

I don't like that.

[Matt]

I guess I'll do it.

[Bill]

That's what we're doing right now.

[Matt]

You. My mouth. I haven't brushed my teeth all day. Like three coffees.

[Shane]

I just take it to 10, I turn around and on him right away. You lay on my back, lift my legs and the bed.

[Matt]

Just launch one into the hedges. Kill myself.

[Spade]

Did he did that right?

[Shane]

I, I, I, I think he did everything.

[Spade]

Scatman. Skippy.

[Matt]

I think he was this cat.

[Spade]

Yeah, I think so. I think there was like a thing where he like he on someone's chest or got his chest.

[Shane]

No, that's. You're thinking of Ray J. Ray J got, he claimed. He claimed four pounds of on him. Him.

[Matt]

Oh, A.J. got on by four pounds.

[Shane]

He said, he said he claimed a lady dumped a four pound. He said this on stream.

[Spade]

He's in the gagency.

[Shane]

He was, he was on.

[Bill]

He was on.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bill]

Oh, that guy's hilarious.

[Shane]

Ray J might be one of the funniest guys because a lot of those guys, those entertainers come back and they are like Batman Bill. Like six nine is.

[Bill]

I'm watching. I thought six nine was dead for something. Like my head's so up. I was like, damn, they're 6 9. Then I saw Dame Dash talking on Jay Z. I was like, who are you?

[Shane]

He's been up there. He's been up to that for a long time.

[Bill]

That's crazy.

[Shane]

He's done a lot of to be movies. Was going to make a huge comeback.

[Matt]

Crazy.

[Bill]

What was he famous for in the beginning?

[Shane]

The Rockefeller.

[Bill]

Okay.

[Shane]

Yeah, he was, he was like spraying bottles in the background of the music videos. He was, he was the man. He was kind of diddy. He was like diddy adjacent. Yeah, he was like, he was like a. It was same. He was like a hype man for a label that he created. So he kind of tore a page out of Diddy's handbook and he was, he was good at it.

[Matt]

It.

[Bill]

Okay.

[Shane]

And then it was just like Jay Z became quadrillion.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah. And then he was just kind of like, check out my movie.

[Bill]

So he just like talks. That sucks. They were boys.

[Matt]

He signed Kanye too. He signed Jay Z. Yeah.

[Bill]

Oh, so he signed them Diplomats.

[Matt]

Yeah, they were all under. Yeah. Rockefeller.

[Bill]

Oh, wow. So I mean he stayed.

[Shane]

He was fine. He was Cool. I. I love his interviews. I would assume so.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Up he was. And then I think he got.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Although his interviews, I will say he's one of the best podcast guests of all time. He wears a suit and just calls whoever's interviewing him gay. It's kind of. It's.

[Bill]

I mean, the real. The reels I get when I'm trying to make the intros. I look at the reels, I'm like, bro, he's money.

[Shane]

He's. He's honestly pretty great.

[Bill]

So many great sounds.

[Shane]

Goes on the Breakfast Club call Charlemagne and the other guy gay. Because he's like, you guys have a boss that's gay. And just. It's so funny. I. I don't want to. I think he might be kind of hammered the whole time. I'm pretty sure he's hammered everywhere.

[Matt]

A lot of these guys are hammered.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I think he's also awesome. Hammered suit. Just going, you guys know anything about business? You're gay. Check out my new movie. Yeah, he's. And he's paused and everything. He's a heavy pauser. He's.

[Bill]

Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

Dame Dash is the man. I really genuinely think he is.

[Bill]

That's what I got. That's why I'm remembering it, because he got hit. He hit, like, a weird pause today. And it made me laugh.

[Matt]

It's so funny that that's how they split. Like, Jay Z went and became like, I'm a billionaire. I'm a businessman. And then the other guy got hammered in his suit and was like, guys are gay.

[Shane]

He's crazy.

[Matt]

And the boys broke up and fell apart.

[Spade]

Jay Z started open up for Hillary Clinton.

[Matt]

That was weird.

[Spade]

He was doing it in Philly. I remember that.

[Shane]

I know. I remember that thing.

[Spade]

Him and Ms. Knowles, the beehive.

[Shane]

Don't have the beehive come after you, dude.

[Spade]

You guys will be commenting bumblebees under your pictures.

[Shane]

I think that's. I think now they're. They're more just a brand now because I think, well, Beyonce had the country album.

[Spade]

Yeah. It was the best country album of all time.

[Shane]

I'll be honest. That one song is a hit.

[Matt]

Which one?

[Shane]

It ain't Texas.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Written by the best songwriters in Nashville.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

It was probably a crime, dude.

[Shane]

It's.

[Bill]

The thing

[Spade]

is, I was.

[Matt]

I was a Beyonce Black woman Credit

[Shane]

for I was a Beyonce hater for Good Old Boy.

[Matt]

No, I'm gonna be honest.

[Shane]

I've been trying. I've been trying. I would try to do a thing.

[Spade]

This ain't for me.

[Shane]

Dude, I would go. I would listen. I would go like this. I always. Beyonce hater forever. Because I'd always. Everyone.

[Spade]

I'm not a Beyonce hater.

[Shane]

No, I'm telling you. Listen, listen. I would always. All the time in my relationships, the girl ever, ever, they would go, well, they would go, beyonce it back. She's all right. And I was. I was just geared to hate. So I'm like, let me just give an honest listen to this album. That song came on. I'm like, God damn. This is toe tapping. It was a toe tap and hit.

[Bill]

Look up.

[Matt]

A toe tap.

[Shane]

It was a toe tap and hit.

[Spade]

Come on. I'm a Shabzi guy, bro.

[Matt]

Shab's nice, too.

[Spade]

It's the most positive dude I've ever seen on video.

[Shane]

Shabzi's nice. The queen be just all he has. Bill, just say she slay. Just say she ate. All right. Just say she ate. She ate.

[Bill]

Is that like eight and serve and all that? I lost it.

[Shane]

Just say she ain't.

[Matt]

She served Con on that album. Admit she served on the album.

[Shane]

This ain't.

[Spade]

Yeah, she, she.

[Shane]

Yeah. Song rule.

[Spade]

Like I said, Billy's gay.

[Shane]

I think it's the. Is the pop country Rush over.

[Spade]

No, it's just beyond.

[Bill]

I mean, Billy's coined the term Judeo Christian.

[Spade]

Judeo country.

[Shane]

Judeo country.

[Spade]

They move from the rap. So, like, you know how it's like,

[Bill]

oh, the CIA and like, go, go going fishing.

[Shane]

I'm drinking.

[Bill]

I have a truck.

[Spade]

It's called Judeo country. Made it up.

[Shane]

It's a great term.

[Matt]

No, I don't like.

[Bill]

No, like, wake up country. Yeah, I'm at a lake.

[Shane]

Technically, this cows.

[Spade]

I just. Did you see how there's no rap in, like, the top 40 right now? Yeah, I have. Sauron has went on. Drizzly will come back.

[Shane]

And, yo, if he goes contradiction nasty, he'll go country.

[Matt]

There was rumors. No, I think it's a meme.

[Shane]

He won't go country.

[Matt]

He did go country. He would dominate.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Right. Now that. It's all country and like, like that. And like this.

[Shane]

Judeo country is a new rat metal.

[Spade]

No, it's a new rat.

[Bill]

Yeah, it's rat, but it's country.

[Shane]

Yeah, true. Okay, fair enough. I. Dude, I'm telling you, people are sleeping on the TP USA halftime show. That was.

[Matt]

People were literally sleeping on it.

[Bill]

No one watched.

[Shane]

Was.

[Matt]

Was so funny, dude.

[Bill]

The bad baby one in English was hilarious.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Translated. Yeah.

[Matt]

It's what you were talking about with him, where it's like, Oh, I want to show my aunt my new, new girlfriend. Love it. She's so hot.

[Shane]

My a. So horny for my sex. His lyrics are, dude, they're crazy. I saw that years ago, cuz I remember I heard of him and I actually would, like, listen to Bad Bunny, and I was like, hell's this guy talking about? I looked it up and I was

[Bill]

like, yo, bro is tough.

[Shane]

I talked about it on the local New York news program. I'm never doing that, ever.

[Matt]

It was my favorite one.

[Spade]

The one.

[Matt]

No, the local. Wasn't that the Philly? Philly Philly one was one of the craziest.

[Shane]

When I.

[Matt]

When I did this special he did,

[Shane]

they were just like, I did an 824 movie. It was crazy.

[Bill]

Oh, you did that dude, his little podcast.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

That's nuts, dude. I don't know.

[Shane]

They were like, just do all these. I was like, yeah, whatever.

[Bill]

Whatever.

[Shane]

It needs to be. I'm a team player. Yeah, to a fault.

[Spade]

You're dtp.

[Bill]

No, I mean that guy down the plane.

[Shane]

I said, yeah, whatever you think.

[Matt]

You're not DTP on the show. These guys are coming at me.

[Shane]

Well, here's the thing. My brother had beef with him, so I was ready for him to start. So I was on guard the whole time, ready to be like, yeah, dude, you're a.

[Matt]

To my brother.

[Shane]

So then, like, I was there, ready for him to start, but he was so nice. And also, as soon as I got there, I went by the fly.

[Matt]

Shouldn't have done this, of course.

[Shane]

And I came out like, hey. But also, too, I couldn't stop.

[Bill]

I. Whenever I'm doing this is to get more eyes on your show, supposedly.

[Shane]

Yeah, Whenever. Whenever I do a new thing, I can't help it. I have this look in my eyes that's just like a very intense kind of look. Because I'm just being like, what the going on right now? And it's. I didn't realize how it's called Hunters. I've. Hunter. Yeah.

[Bill]

Yeah. I mean, you guys are like public people. So, like, you have to, like, learn how to look, right?

[Matt]

You get like, I haven't done.

[Shane]

Your eyes get glassy.

[Matt]

Your eyes are glassy. On that interview, you're like, what? The guys are like, so you have a new special coming out that had to be like, that's pretty cool, man. You made it to Netflix. You're like, yeah.

[Spade]

You're visibly thinking,

[Shane]

They do trash. Yes. Okay.

[Matt]

Trash business.

[Shane]

He's like, well, that's a little weird. I'm like, it's not that weird. When he was talking about homeless people. That's a little. I was like, it's not at all. It's totally fine to laugh at homeless people. He was like, okay. I guess it is. Yeah. That was weird. The pot. I also. It really? Yeah. I don't think it does.

[Matt]

Radio guys used to get me with that. I'm going to do a radio thing. And you sit there and you're like, 6:00am this is nuts. You got to think you guys are trash the way you're talking to me.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's like local news, radio humor where it's like. There's like, weird. Sexual innuendo is like the funny. The funniest thing they can do is sexual innuendo. But they're also. They belittle you the entire time.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

It's a room of, like, six people that see each other every morning.

[Matt]

I think I'm pretty funny. I think I could do what you do, Honestly.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Okay.

[Bill]

Dude. I'm an Eskimo brother with one of those guys, and they do do comedy. They did do comedy, and they ended up there.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah. That's that for sure. That's also. Congrats.

[Matt]

Who you ask my brothers with.

[Bill]

I mean, you can't do that on camera.

[Matt]

You're not on camera.

[Bill]

It's Baltimore. It's a guy in Baltimore.

[Shane]

Okay.

[Matt]

It's not Mickey, is it?

[Bill]

No.

[Matt]

That's my favorite.

[Shane]

That's tight. Your Eskimo bros with them?

[Bill]

Yeah. That's cool.

[Shane]

I respect any of my Eskimo brothers. I would never fight with an Eskimo, bro.

[Bill]

No, I don't. I mean, my swords are down now. My sword's down now, dude.

[Shane]

True Trojan wars over.

[Bill]

I'm out to see right now. Waiting for the wind.

[Shane]

It is crazy, dude. I. At 40, your boner falls off a cliff. It's like clockwork. It's so. It's kind of sick.

[Bill]

What are you even here for?

[Spade]

I love that. And he's found down. He has a gun point.

[Bill]

No one's ever gonna top that show.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

This is the greatest show that's ever been made.

[Matt]

When he's hyped after they do the news and he goes out and punches the

[Shane]

start. Honestly. Season one pilot to the final of four. Amazing. Unbelievable ending. Yeah, It's. It won't be touched ever again. It's just. It's Mount Olympus. It's Mount Olympus. That's kind of like my dick right now. It did it all, dude.

[Matt]

It's like niche Mount down, dude. It's already it's the best.

[Shane]

Season 4 Eastbound.

[Bill]

If it does anything now it's like the home run derby. You're like, yeah,

[Shane]

no, now it's more. I'm just on like you know like some planets like a year for one planet. It's is like nine earth years. That's kind. Dick's on a different rotation.

[Matt]

I would come back.

[Bill]

It's like you're hitting that thing where you're like actually you think it's a solar system. We're going through the universe.

[Shane]

It used to be fleet footed Mercury. It would just be like two revol. Now it's just old sat.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It's not even a planet anymore.

[Spade]

It's a dead star.

[Matt]

Like it's just ice and it was

[Bill]

never even a circle.

[Matt]

It's. It's out there.

[Shane]

Its moons are just now a fine dust that form rings crashed into each other.

[Spade]

Then you eventually start getting ding dong ditched.

[Shane]

And then you run as fast as you can.

[Spade]

You're an old man who starts getting work with you.

[Matt]

Time to take out the pistol.

[Spade]

So you start chasing little kids.

[Bill]

I gotta get out of the city. I have like 10 years before I'm. I can't remember what day it is that I have a gun.

[Shane]

No, you just walk. Your dick is. It's so soft that your head's like. You're like. It's never been this. Then you fall down. You want the news is right there and you go. You just start watching the news and you go. Finally.

[Spade]

Is it like being on trip or do you get hang time or you just have ball Hang time.

[Shane]

Well, here's the thing. I've. I've reclaimed. It's. You do cardio and your dick does

[Bill]

start, but no one's had more dick.

[Shane]

Can I tell you something?

[Matt]

Can I tell you something that sticks huge again, right?

[Shane]

No, no, it's not.

[Matt]

It works perfect. It's fine.

[Shane]

Listen, this is. This will give you an insight into my life. The other day. The other day it actually. It got like regular hard. Like how hard it gets when it's like fully working. And my wife laughed. She went, what the is going on?

[Bill]

Killer?

[Shane]

Yo, come on, come on, come. It's hard. Been there.

[Matt]

I live in that.

[Spade]

Whoa. Here it is.

[Shane]

You get a Whoa, tiger.

[Matt]

This is what I meant. Every time we've had sex, this is what I was going for.

[Shane]

It's the pure expression. But no, it's. Yeah, it's. You know, it's so cyclical, dude. Because here's the thing too. I can't Even fap Because of the chance I'll fat myself out. A simple fap. I'm fapped out for two days. So it's like I just. I'm on edge. So every now and again you time the fab I like again.

[Spade]

I wonder what would happen if you edged every day.

[Bill]

Oh, I could tell you about this later.

[Matt]

I don't think anyone can actually edge dude. There's no way I'm not doing it.

[Spade]

If you're a high level, like, guy like Sting, you could edge everything.

[Bill]

The guy's writing music from the 14th century.

[Spade]

They practice tantra. That's legendary.

[Shane]

Crazy Kevin Gates claims that. He doesn't.

[Spade]

Kevin Gates is this incredible liar.

[Shane]

You think he's capping? Yes.

[Bill]

Who's the guy that's dead?

[Matt]

Which one?

[Spade]

I don't know.

[Bill]

No, no, there's another. There's like a manosphere dude, and I think he died.

[Spade]

Oh, you're talking about the black manosphere guy.

[Bill]

Yes.

[Spade]

What's his name? It's your boy.

[Shane]

He had a cocaine system.

[Spade]

Yes.

[Matt]

Yeah, the guy who would call women fat.

[Shane]

Who was that guy?

[Spade]

Kevin.

[Bill]

It's Kevin something, right?

[Spade]

Kevin Samuel. I forget his name.

[Shane]

Yeah, you might be actually right about that. Yes, his.

[Matt]

When you get like, how old are you? Yeah, shut up. Old.

[Bill]

What are you bringing to the table? Two kids, no job.

[Matt]

Time for a quick break from the show for a special segment called More or Less Soccer Edition. The entire summer of soccer is on prize picks. Don't miss your last chance to get in on the action. They're offering everything from final winners to most goals scored. So this is what we are thinking for picks this week.

[Shane]

Begin with your picks for most goals scored in this year's tournament. Please reference. Okay, yeah, I'm thinking Lionel Messi, Argentina. Eight goals.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Kylan from France. Yep, they're done.

[Matt]

Who do you. Who do you have next?

[Shane]

There's Ozmaine Dembele from France. Four goals. You know, the key to pronouncing French names is you think about what's the most insufferable way to say this? You know, like, that's how you probably say of course.

[Matt]

Who do you think should have more or less?

[Shane]

Oh, I'm thinking is gonna have less.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane]

And it will have. He'll have more.

[Matt]

Exactly. So that's our take. Now it's time to lock in yours. Download the app today and use code Drench to get $50 instantly in lineups. If you win your first five dollar lineup, that's code Drench to get $50 instantly in Lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup prize picks America's number one sports pick app.

[Shane]

Did you see the. The footage of Tiga from 106 in Park?

[Spade]

Tyga.

[Shane]

It's not Tiger. That's a rapper. It's Tigga. It was Tiga from the rap. The basement. It was before your time.

[Matt]

It was before you remember the basement.

[Spade]

Up and listen.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, please. But no, he. He was like. He was on. He was on BET forever. There's footage out where he's wrestling his phone out of his girl. You didn't see this?

[Matt]

No, it was so.

[Shane]

I think his girlfriend or wife. Dude, their girl has his phone. Huh?

[Bill]

It's like wanting to pill.

[Shane]

That's his name. That's his name.

[Matt]

Dude, hold it down. You guys see big table.

[Shane]

I can't get my dick on your hand. I mean, dude, I just put my

[Spade]

hand right here in the cradle.

[Shane]

That's what I'm doing. Yeah, no, but he's wrestling. So he basically had to wrestle his wife or girlfriend in front of the kid. The kid was like, Mr. Tigger, stop it. Mr. Tigger, let go. Because he was like wrestling the mom. He's like, just give me my phone. Just give me my phone.

[Spade]

Oh, my God.

[Shane]

So there's a lot of guys reacting to be like, that is that man's personal property. And he deserves his personal property.

[Matt]

Yeah. That's never a good look when you're wrestling the phone from the woman and then going, there's nothing in there.

[Spade]

Yeah, obviously. You ever see that? You see the video? The chimp who gets a hold of the AK47. Everyone just kind of backs away. That's all I can do. So whatever you want to do.

[Matt]

Just like that's from Planet of the Apes.

[Spade]

No, no. There's a real video.

[Shane]

Well, they're.

[Spade]

Is it from Planet Apes?

[Shane]

They get tricked by AI?

[Matt]

No, he got tricked from a movie.

[Spade]

That's old school. You know what I'm talking about?

[Bill]

James Franco.

[Spade]

That's for real.

[Shane]

From Planet the Apes.

[Matt]

Either that or Planet the Apes copied it. Yeah, because there is a scene where a monkey comes down and acts like he's like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing. He picks up the gun.

[Spade]

I'll hang up and listen.

[Matt]

Maybe I'll hang up and listen. You could be right. Maybe a monkey did pick up an ak. Yeah. And it was on Ebomb's World. It was one of the first things recorded.

[Spade]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This is like old stuff. Maybe it was AI.

[Shane]

Probably before the Internet.

[Matt]

It.

[Spade]

Sorry, I'm shaking at NDA.

[Matt]

The only thing I'm thinking about is how I am tomorrow.

[Spade]

Oh, yeah, I don't think about that, bro.

[Matt]

There's no way. I'm not.

[Shane]

Oh, here's. Here's what.

[Bill]

You got to be the greatest.

[Spade]

Just don't think about it.

[Bill]

That's the thing. That's crazy.

[Matt]

Don't read the comments also, though. Don't even think.

[Shane]

Good for you.

[Matt]

Yeah, thanks. Good for you, man.

[Shane]

It's so funny whenever I tell people about it. Good for him. Yeah.

[Bill]

I mean, that is like the real world of it.

[Matt]

It's awesome.

[Bill]

Like, oh, man, use it. The link. Cool. Good for them.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Everyone's just doing their own thing.

[Shane]

So true. They go, oh, wow, that's cool.

[Spade]

That's awesome.

[Bill]

I don't think it's only a freak show. Big deal for the guy that has to go.

[Shane]

Most people don't. It doesn't register how insanely massive it is. They go, wow, huh?

[Bill]

It's crazy that dudes do it all the time. Like, it's nuts that you guys go places and then give someone, like, a night of entertainment and then just roll.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

And that's like their big night. Yeah, that's like their date night.

[Matt]

That's why when you bomb, you're like, I feel terrible.

[Bill]

Yeah, right?

[Matt]

And then someone dms me and go, spent $400. You suck.

[Spade]

Thanks.

[Matt]

Heard that.

[Bill]

Well, I mean, maybe they don't have to.

[Matt]

I know you heard that joke, dude. I heard that joke.

[Shane]

That's all I got. We're in this together, brother.

[Matt]

Working on how I do stand up.

[Spade]

When we saw the Lumineers, I felt like I was for real in Rivendell.

[Matt]

That was the most beautiful show I've ever seen.

[Bill]

And you start realizing that these guys, like, build shows and put together shows. It's a whole nother.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I've literally felt like I build a show here year.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

We got a show going.

[Spade]

The greatest fireworks Extra first comedian. You paid for pyros.

[Matt]

Obviously.

[Spade]

I used to cost an arm and a leg. And fight night, you remember that?

[Matt]

It costs a real arm and a leg.

[Shane]

Real. The pyros.

[Matt]

The pyros. I'm not making a lot of money on this. I mean, it's a lot of money, obviously, but as much as you think.

[Shane]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

I'm spending a lot on this.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

My shirt.

[Matt]

I'm losing my shirt a little.

[Shane]

Yeah. Spend money, make money.

[Matt]

You're exactly right.

[Spade]

Did you used to do that in fight Night.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Go out. Or would you go hardcore and just do nothing? Walk out Tyson style while there was

[Matt]

a couple of those. But sometimes I do smoke rules.

[Spade]

Lasers.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Haymaker.

[Shane]

Boxing video game is Jordan.

[Matt]

All the Jordan gear I was wearing. All the stabbing a depleted.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

What's the status on the boxing video game? I feel like they've slipped.

[Matt]

They fell off. Yeah.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

They don't have many.

[Shane]

They were so good.

[Spade]

Fight night was a great.

[Matt]

Yeah, it was awesome.

[Spade]

Better than any UFC game. All that Fight Night. What was that? Xbox One.

[Shane]

I forget. But it was sick.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

It was like, oh, UFC games are so.

[Spade]

No original. Fight night was unreal. The training was unreal. All that was awesome. Awesome. Mini games in Madden I will say was also great.

[Shane]

That was awesome.

[Spade]

40 yard dash, bro. I could run a 43 with my 2. Crazy.

[Matt]

I never got it.

[Bill]

That's good.

[Shane]

They're like legs if you think about it.

[Matt]

Literally.

[Spade]

I know. That's why I would just go like this.

[Matt]

Double A. I was running my actual.

[Bill]

Think about it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

My video game guy was as slow as I am.

[Spade]

Are you serious or you just mash a with your thumb?

[Matt]

840. Yeah.

[Spade]

That's tough.

[Matt]

It was tough. I couldn't do it.

[Spade]

Many games.

[Matt]

That was good, dude. Nice run. Running back mini games was awesome.

[Shane]

I did want to ask from college

[Matt]

football what to an ncaa.

[Spade]

Did they really?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Is it really?

[Matt]

Let's go.

[Shane]

Sick. Listen to Bye for us, Bill. I think that's honestly one of the greatest. Greatest episodes.

[Spade]

Oh, the one we did last week.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I will say though, you kind of claim to be the pioneer of lifting in the house. It was me.

[Bill]

I mean that's what he said that in the beginning.

[Spade]

I said in the beginning. I said you.

[Bill]

I don't know what Immediately to the dark.

[Matt]

Your bodybuilding picture. Yeah.

[Bill]

I don't know what part. He started the podcast.

[Shane]

I know. I saw it.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

I don't know. They're my afters.

[Spade]

I have the picture. I never had a lifting bro.

[Shane]

You didn't. Neither did I.

[Spade]

Me. You did.

[Shane]

You took pictures well in college. Dude. You had lifting bros by the time you're in college.

[Spade]

I just had.

[Shane]

Tell me you didn't have a small.

[Spade]

I had swole mates. They were at the gym. We weren't taking pic. We weren't popping top taking pictures.

[Shane]

Oh, you're talking about start to finish.

[Spade]

Yeah, I wasn't doing all that.

[Shane]

That's fair enough.

[Spade]

No, I mean that was the thing

[Shane]

that you didn't go in on. Chicken with BJ's. Was anybody going on the. On the chicken breast?

[Spade]

No, never. I would eat wawa.

[Shane]

I feel bad.

[Spade]

Classic hoagies. Chicken, classic hoagies. I was dirty bulking all the time.

[Shane]

You're dirty?

[Spade]

Yeah. I'd eat clean for like three days and just go it. Dirty bulk.

[Matt]

Welcome to my world without the lift, bro. I go, I'm looking good. I'm losing weight. I might as well eat a full pizza every day.

[Shane]

That gets everybody.

[Matt]

Honestly, I'll never do it.

[Spade]

Double dinners.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

No, that. The thing that was actually scary was my magnesium. That was terrifying.

[Shane]

What was it?

[Spade]

I almost died, bro.

[Shane]

From what?

[Spade]

Magnesium. I didn't realize it is that good. Okay, scare man.

[Shane]

How much you. Too much magnesium?

[Spade]

I think I was dosing it too much and then I. Were you load maxing a lot of it. And it was in my multivitamin. And then I started taking a magnesium supplement at night and I was drinking a drink that had magnesium. I did not. Was this recently, literally a near death experience? Two weeks ago.

[Matt]

I'm sorry.

[Bill]

You're stealing so much valor with NDA right there, bro.

[Spade]

I was there one second.

[Matt]

Completely off topic. But when you sat down, you plopped down. And it reminded me of entires. Every single script. Whenever my character sits down, it's like. And then Shane plops on the couch. And after like the 90th time, I was like, how come I'm the only one plopping everyone else's?

[Bill]

I'm pulling like a half a G, dude. Getting back in my seat, Shane plops

[Matt]

onto the couch and says, are you gay?

[Shane]

Shane spills into the couch.

[Matt]

Yeah. I was like, who the writing this?

[Shane]

What the hell?

[Bill]

I mean, is everybody on the set dainty?

[Matt]

No. But then I think after I brought it up, now everyone plops over the couch.

[Shane]

So funny.

[Spade]

Inclusivity.

[Matt]

Inclusivity is important. Plopping is such a crazy. And then Shane comes in the room and plops onto the floor.

[Shane]

Turd.

[Matt]

Fat turd. Idiot.

[Bill]

All right.

[Spade]

Need more.

[Matt]

All right, so what are you doing?

[Spade]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was double dose myself because it was in my multivitamin and my. My nightly magnesium supplement. I just thought you needed to sleep by glycinate or.

[Shane]

What are you talking.

[Spade]

It's a side truck. It's. It's everything.

[Bill]

It's a whole family, dude.

[Matt]

The family's.

[Bill]

There's like. This is just two of them. There's like two. There's like four more of these dudes

[Matt]

that are just big dogging each other about supplements. Big dog on every sing, dude, I don't know if you know about the structural integrity of skyscrapers. I was in Toronto, a guy told me about the. That was just.

[Shane]

I wouldn't spot my known.

[Matt]

Yeah, that was an example. I was just trying to think of something that was not. That's not a real big dog. That was not a real big dog. This is big dog. You guys are big dogging on magnesium. And you know you are. This is what you do.

[Spade]

My ego's at the door.

[Bill]

It's not even. It just comes off that way.

[Shane]

I'm just saying no other form of magnesium crosses the blood brain barrier. You need to buy. You need to at least buy glycinate or something else.

[Spade]

I just had.

[Bill]

I mean, Tom, Tom, Tom called me, dude. I'm pretty sure that was the highest dose of peyote ever in Gar Valley. I'm like, yeah, obviously it was. How was it,

[Spade]

dude? I go to sleep.

[Bill]

Imagine if you like poured more like money in. Imagine if you had more. Imagine if you were all like multi. Multi millionaires.

[Matt]

They would be the craziest group of people because you're.

[Bill]

You're Matt. You max out at every. At every chance. Every checkpoint is a max out. So it's like, imagine if you just poured more water on the gremlins, dude. Like, there'd be a city sometimes, you guys.

[Spade]

There'd be a city somewhere. I didn't. I wasn't doing this purpose.

[Matt]

I'm not trying. Hold on.

[Bill]

People don't understand. Like, regular people that are listening probably don't understand. Shane understand understands. He's the only dude that understands what I'm.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

The cross you bear.

[Matt]

I love it. It is funny as not a cross.

[Bill]

It's hilarious. But nobody can get outside of it.

[Matt]

But then I don't think you guys are joking a lot. I'm dead serious. Like, there's always. There's always a hint of seriousness.

[Spade]

I'm dead. I almost died, dude.

[Bill]

You.

[Spade]

You would be eulogizing me right now. I accidentally told what were the symptoms.

[Matt]

I'm not going to your funeral, dude. I have to go to Magoobie's joke house that weekend. Literally.

[Spade]

Take it back.

[Matt]

I take it back.

[Shane]

What were the symptoms?

[Matt]

I'll be there. I'll be like a black lady. Literally be screaming. Screaming on that coffin. You're gonna have to pull me off, dude.

[Spade]

Just saying. Super relatable topic for a podcast. We've all been there. I was in my bed and I started having heart arrhythmias. And my heart was beating like three times in a row without the magnesium. I know, but, bro, the problem was, like, it was happening so much. I didn't want to say anything to my wife sitting there. So you need a bender. I was just.

[Bill]

Never had a bender.

[Spade]

I was chilling. But, bro, the thing was, I couldn't pin it on the magnesium because I had a monster plate of lasagna. So I was like, not knowing what was going on, but I was literally paralyzed with fear, so I couldn't check my phone. And at that point, I was like, if I die today, it is what it is. I can't look this up up and freak out more. So I sat there for two hours just having arrhythmias and shortness of breath. I thought it was magnesium, but I did have a monstrous single lasagna. Few mozzarella balls thrown on top that.

[Matt]

Obviously I was hit. I was getting hit with heart murmurs and like, crazy dog. And thankfully they've chilled out. I was. I've got for like a decade with like, yeah, whatever the that was.

[Shane]

It'll just miss it. You'll breathe and you're like, oh, my heart stopping the whole way.

[Bill]

I was carrying this pot and I ran up a hill, like, trying to show off for fed. Just around I got to the top of the hill, it felt like Shane was sitting on my chest.

[Shane]

The.

[Bill]

Like, I was. I was standing up. It'd be like if all of you guys were, like, pushing on my chest. Like, no air.

[Shane]

Really.

[Spade]

Just like.

[Bill]

But I'm standing up and I'm just like, oh, yeah.

[Matt]

Why is it hot as in here?

[Spade]

Sorry, A.C. probably, yeah, you open the door or whatever you want to do.

[Bill]

But yeah, I thought I was having, like a heart attack. I was like, oh, this is what.

[Shane]

I've had a couple scares. Wait, so you can't blame it on the magnesium.

[Spade]

No, the jury's still out, but I'm pretty sure it was magnesium.

[Matt]

Magnesium and probably like, Garfield.

[Spade]

Lasagna was good as.

[Matt]

Speaking of grubbing, I watched Gerbies. Gerbies at the home Run Derby was psychotic, dude. First of all, he's got Taylor jersey.

[Spade]

Crazy.

[Matt]

He has a tailored baseball jersey. So it's. It looks like a small T shirt. The sleeves come up to, like, here.

[Shane]

Crazy.

[Bill]

There's like a level. I don't know.

[Matt]

He brought.

[Bill]

I don't know what you call it. Like, what is that?

[Matt]

He brought binoculars in a pouch attached to his khaki shorts. He took out his binoculars. No problem. Just sit next to Us.

[Bill]

Just what are you looking at exactly?

[Matt]

It's a home run therapy. And then he was like, oh, this is my. I'm gonna order a slice of pizza. He ordered a full pizza.

[Spade]

Wasn't personal pie.

[Matt]

Full pizza. Sat by himself and ate an entire pizza like that. He usually doesn't. This was his favorite piece. Pie.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

It was impressive. No, I forget.

[Shane]

It's got me curious now.

[Matt]

We had it here and the beach,

[Shane]

so Mac and mangoes.

[Bill]

So you guys are in a box that was going on.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

If it's Mac and mangoes, I almost understand that's. Was it swirly cheese? Was it swirly sauce? Yeah, that's Mac and Maca's brother. That's good pie.

[Matt]

Yeah, it is.

[Shane]

It's Mac and Makos. I kind of with him on that. Mac and Mac. It was.

[Matt]

It was awesome. It was awesome.

[Bill]

You're getting into my world right now. This is all I do on YouTube. It's food reviews and casino reviews and boardwalk walks.

[Matt]

That's great.

[Spade]

They was trying to say you could crush a cruise.

[Bill]

I could crush a cruise. Now, when I was younger, I couldn't do it, but now that I realize the beauty of. I'm in a hotel on the sea,

[Spade]

but it's so small. There's no windows.

[Matt]

That would suck ass.

[Bill]

It would suck.

[Shane]

I did a crew. I did a Royal Caribbean when I was 14. It was.

[Bill]

Is.

[Shane]

It's kind of lit.

[Matt]

Honestly, I think if I was 14,

[Shane]

all the soft surface.

[Matt]

14, I could probably handle it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Now I would be furious.

[Spade]

It's the Monroe Institute on the water. The food's trash, bro.

[Shane]

What are you talking about? What about the new. There's an English. There's an English cruise bill.

[Bill]

You haven't seen the videos. I've seen. You haven't. The Four Seasons has a yacht cruise right now. Dude, like you don't know. There's high end.

[Shane]

It sells out right away.

[Bill]

It's like mega buff celebrity X crews. This is not celebrity act.

[Shane]

Stop.

[Bill]

Enough.

[Spade]

There's swingers cruises.

[Bill]

Stop it.

[Matt]

That's what we're talking about, guys.

[Shane]

Not. Not big dogging. When I went on a cruise when I was 14, I got to eat dinner with the captain.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Spade]

Probably. I don't know why. They probably got 16 dudes with Captain outfits.

[Shane]

It was with my friend's family, and it's called grooming. I remember they were like, we're gonna eat dinner with. At the captain's table tonight. I was like, okay.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Holy.

[Spade]

Remember, it's like snowball Probably a drunk.

[Shane]

Yeah, we were drinking wine. We drank wine. It's cool. You're like walking. All of a sudden you go, whoa. And your legs are sea legs. Yeah, but I heard they're terrible for the coral reef.

[Bill]

I mean, it's whatever. I. All I do is watch YouTube videos about it. And what it. What it did was it graduated into a swinger.

[Shane]

Yes.

[Bill]

Rhythm. Right. And I didn't do that myself.

[Spade]

Oh, you build it. They don't build themselves, bro. Somehow you wound up in super deals and swingers algo

[Matt]

crawled there, bro.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

The cruising swinging thing's a big thing.

[Matt]

You brought that upon yourself.

[Bill]

It was funny, though. We had a good time with it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

You were warming up to something.

[Shane]

You were maybe trying to get these swingers, dude.

[Bill]

What's that?

[Shane]

Bless your swingers.

[Spade]

Give them the wog.

[Bill]

Yeah, right.

[Shane]

Get the pill for your mind and body.

[Matt]

Yes. And bless them at sea.

[Bill]

It's a blue shoe gold.

[Spade]

Ship's gonna be rocking.

[Shane]

I would like. I would like to take that, but with, like, full medical supervision.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

So, like, take my wife to the hospital, have them hook me up, put the things. The stickers on my head

[Spade]

and just

[Shane]

have them watch blasted right now and let them watch me just lay mediocre

[Matt]

pipe

[Spade]

only flexing your ass cheeks. That's the stroke.

[Shane]

His breaker off with mid D. Yeah.

[Matt]

The king of that, bro. I mean, mid.

[Bill]

I thought the premature stuff was. I thought the pre. I didn't realize the premature stuff was like this. You know what I mean? When you're young and then when you're old.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

You're hitting prejax.

[Bill]

Oh, wait.

[Spade]

Tup all day long.

[Matt]

That's great.

[Shane]

Prejack's not bad. Prejack's an accomplishment.

[Matt]

You ever get no jack on soft?

[Shane]

No jack.

[Matt]

No Jack's terrible.

[Shane]

They get mad at no jack.

[Bill]

I don't know what that is. Is.

[Matt]

It's alcohol induced. No jack.

[Spade]

Oh, like no coming hit.

[Shane]

No alcohol induced, no jacks. Fair.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Spade's on top of the mountain. He's. He skipped a snip.

[Shane]

It's pretty.

[Bill]

I'm just saying. Yeah.

[Matt]

You look down at us.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Who's big?

[Matt]

We're not here. Oh, yeah. I'm a huge dick. I come all the time.

[Shane]

That.

[Matt]

Dude, I don't want to hear you ever.

[Spade]

You have your full penis, bro. Though there's some guys.

[Shane]

And I'm sorry we're mutilated.

[Bill]

We're fine.

[Shane]

I gotta do cardio just to get it up. I gotta swim a mile a day.

[Matt]

Just get My boner.

[Shane]

I'm basically pumping it. I might as well have a pump in my balls.

[Spade]

They have that.

[Bill]

They have that for the girls. Yeah, I know the trans.

[Shane]

Yeah. Guys. Porn stars do it too, apparently.

[Bill]

Oh, really?

[Shane]

Yeah, dude. Any porn star you see, apparently, that's not. It's never a natural boner. Not a single one.

[Spade]

Injection to make themselves feel better.

[Shane]

Yeah, these are guys, Bill. I watch. I watch.

[Bill]

Soft, crazy cobra.

[Spade]

Mark Liotta has to calm down with that.

[Shane]

What. What exactly.

[Spade]

Soft, white, horny belly. All of his is like, glory hole girl porn actress. Like, dude, just literally, you have the world. You could interview anyone.

[Shane]

Did you ever see. Did you ever see when he. I don't know if this is. I'm not niche right now, but one time, one time, he.

[Bill]

I mean, that's literally what you're known for.

[Shane]

He put this pro prostitute up.

[Matt]

You are the king. I hit him with my one niche mog on the way here, which was Flags. Yeah. Autistically. Straight down the line.

[Bill]

Yeah. You just know them all.

[Shane]

No.

[Matt]

You know what hurt? I was bragging about my trivia to somebody. I was sitting there showing them, and I was like, dude, I get this. I get this. Walk outside. There's a kid. You know. You know the people that do, like, sign up for the people that just stand in the vest. Yeah. And this kid just comes up to me and goes, goes, can you name a state that ends with the letter K? And I was like, there's not. There's that quick.

[Shane]

That one. That one gets people.

[Matt]

Can you.

[Shane]

New York.

[Matt]

Yeah. He was like, you've been there. And I was in New York. And I was like, what the are you talking about? He was like, it's New York. And I was like, I have to leave. I was also thrown off. I thought I was getting interviewed.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I thought there was a camera.

[Bill]

I was just making up words in my head. Like, I always.

[Shane]

When I first. When I first confronted this, I was like, Arkansas ends with an S, so, no, there's not one. And then eventually I. I. Yeah, I spaz on that one, too.

[Bill]

I had a dream.

[Shane]

I just said that came up somehow somewhere, and I was like, man, I

[Bill]

had a dream that in the Great Lakes, if you were like, I want. I don't know what. I watched that, like, had this happen to me. But if you were like, in the Great Lakes, around Lake Erie and, like, Lake Mission and that if you looked above it, there was Norway. And I had a dream that that was real, and I had that. I had it wrong. My whole life. And I lived like a whole day thinking like, damn, I figured that. And then I saw a map again and I was like, yeah. No one could understand it.

[Shane]

Like, they were like.

[Bill]

It was like, like, nor where Canada was.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Bill]

And I don't know, it's probably like World cup clips. I saw that, like, got this going on in my head. But like, for a whole day I was like, damn, that's CR In Norway's right there.

[Matt]

Norway's right.

[Bill]

It's like we go to. We go to Norway whenever we want. What are we doing?

[Spade]

We want.

[Bill]

What are we doing, dude?

[Shane]

Oh, dude.

[Bill]

Far away.

[Spade]

Read a book one time that was like a. What is it? Fiction? Like completely not real.

[Matt]

What is it?

[Spade]

Fiction, non fiction. I always get that confused. But Spade read it, thought it was real the whole time, then finished it,

[Bill]

looked it up, and it was fake for 100 pages.

[Spade]

He was actually getting scared.

[Matt]

Do you remember what it was?

[Bill]

It's called Genu Flat. It's by Tracy Twyman.

[Matt]

What happened in it?

[Bill]

I got. She was doing like. She was like invited to these, like, weird, like, prime minister, like, level British Masonic rituals. And then I was like, dude, this is nuts.

[Shane]

Oh, but dude, the horny white underbelly.

[Bill]

He.

[Shane]

Or whatever, where you're calling it, he did want to do this.

[Spade]

You're kind of pretty, pretty, dude.

[Shane]

He interviewed a prostitute who was pretty hot, obviously.

[Spade]

Obviously.

[Shane]

And. And, you know, asked all the questions. And then he eventually, like, got her an apartment, helping her to get her act together.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

And she had been lying the whole time because he was like, he had her.

[Spade]

Much like the Whitakers, dude.

[Shane]

He had her on. And he was like, hey, welcome back. And he's like, turns out you were lying about a couple things, dude. He. He had a key to her apartment. So he was like, I just thought it was weird. Like you said, you're out of town. The lights were on, so I just stopped by. I had to use the bathroom anyway. And there was a guy in there.

[Bill]

And she ended up getting like a weird young girlfriend from this bro.

[Shane]

She. She was. She was having sex with her half brother this entire time.

[Spade]

Many such cases.

[Shane]

And he was. He was just laughing. Text him like, ass, ass, tricked your ass. I got all that money. It's kind of nice. They started having both of them on.

[Spade]

Yeah, the Whitakers got like, money and stuff. And then he got pissed at him because they start misusing funds. It's like, dude, have you looked at Timmy and Red? They have dip spit on their experience. T got scared By a shovel falling on the ground. You think these people are going to use the funds properly? Don't even know what money is.

[Bill]

It kills me that I think, like, to some people I'm a Whitaker and you know that.

[Shane]

What are you talking about?

[Bill]

There's elite people. There's elite. Elite people that would look at us as Whitakers, dude. No, for real.

[Shane]

They would show up, bro.

[Spade]

You're talking about, like, Palladians.

[Bill]

I'm telling you, dude.

[Spade]

Like, you have to be like a alien race.

[Shane]

Like, Whitakers are up, bro.

[Bill]

Bro, I'm telling.

[Spade]

Jimmy and Ray are jam.

[Bill]

King Charles thinks we're Whitakers, dude.

[Spade]

King Charles has fat ass. You ever see his pictures?

[Matt]

Yes.

[Spade]

He mocks. He's got venison hands, bro. He crushes my hands.

[Bill]

Really?

[Spade]

Like actual, like, looks like a Hamburger Helper.

[Shane]

Who. Which one's Prince Charles?

[Spade]

Charlie boy, he's the king.

[Bill]

Right?

[Shane]

Okay. He's the king. Got you. Not Edward. I'm thinking of Edward Word. Now. Who's the guy? Andrew. I'm thinking Andrew.

[Bill]

Prince Andrew.

[Shane]

Naughty boy.

[Spade]

He's a party.

[Shane]

What's up with him? He just got. He got completely cut off.

[Spade]

Yeah. He was having sex with miners.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

They were like, yeah, we gotta. You can't really around.

[Shane]

He's out. He's out. He's out of the picture.

[Spade]

Try to hit it. I don't sweat excuses.

[Matt]

I don't sweat. Toss.

[Shane]

Yeah, he was on his toe.

[Bill]

I was at Pizza palace all time.

[Shane]

Yeah. Also to him, you gotta think like.

[Spade]

Like how annoying that probably is. Getting in trouble if you're a royal. Like, that blows. Dude, I get in trouble your whole life.

[Shane]

I was. I kept laughing when he was in jail for like 10 minutes. He. The first guy to get prince is going to be nuts.

[Spade]

Oh, yeah.

[Bill]

Someone.

[Shane]

He got right out. But, dude, imagine no one's done. He's the first prince in jail since like 11.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Matt]

The man in the iron Mask.

[Shane]

But yeah, no, he.

[Matt]

I don't know.

[Bill]

He.

[Shane]

He. Honestly, for him, though, hookers were like porn for him.

[Matt]

Him.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

He would probably just be like, yeah, what? I'm bored of this. Kind of.

[Bill]

Those dudes get to a level where it's like, not even hookers.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Yeah. They don't even like hookers. They want ones that don't want it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

And if they take it.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

If you don't, you see, you take.

[Bill]

It's dark stuff.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

That's royalty, bro. That's what they're up to.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Nonsense. Yeah. So anyway, what else is going on yeah. Show's gonna be crazy tomorrow.

[Matt]

That's all I'm thinking about. I can't think about a single other. Other thing.

[Spade]

Yeah, you look like you just got back from N, bro.

[Matt]

You have no idea. Bill. I up. This was a huge mistake.

[Spade]

I mean, how many would you have before the show?

[Matt]

How many beers will I have before this? This feels like a four or five.

[Spade]

One, I think. Four or five to go out there. You're almost like coming out.

[Bill]

Four is perfect.

[Spade]

That would be.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

This is how legends are made.

[Shane]

4. 4 is a foot in each world. You have a foot in each world,

[Matt]

you know, 10 or three.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

This is gonna be four or five. This feels like a four or five.

[Spade]

Everyone be pumped up and you'll probably just be running on adrenaline.

[Shane]

Simple.

[Spade]

Just go out there and don't think about it. Stay away from lasagna night. Dude, you gotta eat clean before the show.

[Shane]

Eat clean. Watch your magnesium by glycerin.

[Spade]

That's fine.

[Shane]

Watch the citrate. It's more physical symptoms.

[Spade]

It's like when you lost your vision at Matt's bachelor party.

[Matt]

It's gonna be up there.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

But you come out and just shake up the bun. Just go. The place is going to go nuts.

[Bill]

That be sick. That'd be a sick move, dude. Do that.

[Matt]

That.

[Bill]

That'd be nice.

[Spade]

Just.

[Matt]

I told you. I just got one move. I'm just gonna say boom.

[Spade]

Boom, Boom. This is why Kid Rock his boys.

[Matt]

True.

[Spade]

That's what you need.

[Shane]

The what?

[Matt]

Who.

[Spade]

Who's Kid Rock's boy? JT or the. The. Yeah, yeah, true.

[Matt]

I forget his name.

[Shane]

It was jt.

[Matt]

Do we have any.

[Shane]

Wasn't jt? What was the name? That's gonna kill him.

[Matt]

Spade and Fubo.

[Shane]

Give him a shape up before we go out.

[Matt]

I gotta be on whatever Big J's on. He's.

[Shane]

Yeah, whatever.

[Matt]

He's on it. He's doesn't care.

[Spade]

Oh, call Spade.

[Bill]

What's that?

[Spade]

Robert Downey Jr. Takes them like beta blockers.

[Matt]

Maybe he's on beta blockers.

[Spade]

I don't know how you would do that, though.

[Matt]

I'm not gonna risk that. I've never done on it.

[Shane]

Well, apparently I'm gonna try it there. Yeah, that's the thing.

[Matt]

Tried and true. A couple Bud lights.

[Shane]

Yeah, that's a real beta blocker.

[Matt]

It should work.

[Shane]

Well, the beta blockers, they're saying they're the most widely prescribed thing in the world. Like they're totally. I've had people pitch me on them and I'm like, nah, Man, I don't

[Matt]

want to do that.

[Shane]

I'll. They're like, you literally can't freak out on them. Like, I will find a way, trust me.

[Matt]

So that's. I need to be able to freak out. I need to be able to be on stage fighting that ride the light.

[Shane]

I think so too.

[Matt]

If I'm up there, like, I don't care. Give a. I'm g. Say the worst.

[Shane]

Like your heart can't reach over a certain heart, like level of heartbeat. So if you're on them, it like

[Spade]

sounds like psych meds.

[Matt]

It is.

[Shane]

They kind of are like light psych meds. You just can't. Your heart just won't go that far.

[Spade]

You did on beta blockers. You probably hijacked the big screen, put on YouTubes.

[Matt]

That would be a sick show.

[Spade]

Check this out.

[Shane]

Watch.

[Spade]

He's my favorite YouTube.

[Matt]

45 minute Midwest safety video. We're going to watch it.

[Shane]

I mean, that would be kind of sick, honestly.

[Matt]

I agree.

[Shane]

That would be pretty awesome. Dude, what time do they kick everybody out? There's got to be like time.

[Matt]

I don't know. We'll be all right though. Yeah, with time. It's not that long of a show.

[Spade]

You ever see a House of the Holy cover for Led Zeppelin? Yeah, it's going to look like that. Everyone's leaving, just crawling.

[Shane]

It's naked butts crawling. The pass out rate's going to be crazy.

[Matt]

Pass out rates can be out of control.

[Shane]

One out of 100 pass out rate.

[Matt]

It's going to be so many people.

[Spade]

You got to. You got a.

[Bill]

You'd be lucky if there's no death.

[Spade]

You got a video on a. On the. On the crowd cameras probably, bro. That turns into Wing Bowl. You ever been to Wing bowl? You have?

[Matt]

No, but like, did you watch.

[Bill]

Did you watch the hot dog contest?

[Spade]

Never.

[Bill]

Oh, really?

[Shane]

Dude, I was just talking to Tom about Wings to Go. Their wing, they had like this sauce levels. It was. It was homicide, suicide, homicide.

[Bill]

Genocide, genocide.

[Shane]

Yeah, that used to be Wings to Go.

[Bill]

So that's how we used to be able to talk, man. He took that away from us. I know.

[Shane]

He should be able back. I'll have a. Let me throw some genocide. A dozen genocides, genocides and a suicide just for me.

[Matt]

And they're surrounding my bunker.

[Shane]

Homicides and some suicides.

[Matt]

I put a cyanide cap in my dog's mouth. I say goodbye, blondie.

[Shane]

Yes. Yeah, the basketball coach. But guys run some suicides.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

You know.

[Spade]

Well, you're not allowed to say that. And they don't, you know, Gassers.

[Matt]

We ran gassers.

[Spade]

Have you like.

[Matt]

Then you run a blitz.

[Shane]

True.

[Matt]

For real.

[Bill]

It's crazy how many were. And if I think about it. Yeah, all the sports.

[Shane]

All roads. All roads.

[Bill]

It's almost like we merged with them. Yeah.

[Matt]

Libs. I've seen some. I've seen some libs hitting. Sports are fascists.

[Bill]

Okay?

[Matt]

That's like one of the things.

[Shane]

But not soccer.

[Matt]

It's like. No, that's fascist too. Oh, really? Worrying about you don't want to win. Winning is like. It's like sports should be about fun.

[Spade]

That's the hardest coping ever.

[Matt]

It's crazy.

[Spade]

I mean, the minute you get out

[Bill]

there, sports are about fun. And then you get cut from the team. And all the dudes that are on the team, they think sports is about winning.

[Matt]

Yeah, those jerks. They're fascists.

[Shane]

The dumb girls keep all the guys on the team.

[Matt]

Fascist.

[Bill]

Fascist.

[Shane]

Fascist enablers. Don't they know they're oppressed by the same system?

[Spade]

Kids don't even play Jackpot anymore was Jackpot. But like you would everyone at recess, one guy would throw the ball to the group of dudes and be like, 500.

[Matt]

We played it. We played it at Beach Trip.

[Spade]

Yeah. Wait, now it's called. Now it's just called Moss. So the minute you moss someone, then you get the ball.

[Shane]

Wait, why can't you just call it Jackpot?

[Spade]

They just call it Moss.

[Shane]

I don't know.

[Spade]

I'm just saying times are changing.

[Matt]

Times change. I've been seeing.

[Shane]

Yeah, Smear the Queer was the best.

[Spade]

Yeah, that was crazy.

[Shane]

Smear the Queer. But yeah, I see kids play Jackpot in the pool near my house.

[Matt]

Really?

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Jackpot in the pool is so fun.

[Shane]

It's pretty awesome.

[Matt]

Can't wait. We're gonna do that so soon.

[Shane]

But I can't wait. I lost my wedding ring playing Jackpot last time on the beach. Just flew off my hand.

[Spade]

That was crazy. What did you roll with afterwards?

[Shane]

What do you mean?

[Matt]

Rubber or.

[Shane]

Didn't have one. I didn't have them for a while.

[Spade]

That's so sick.

[Shane]

Yeah. Didn't have one. I don't give a. Sometimes I don't wear it all day and I just go, I don't give a. Whatever happens, happens. Whatever happens happens.

[Bill]

Sick. LARP for however long it goes on.

[Shane]

And honestly, I do feel weird without it all. And I do feel kind of like free.

[Matt]

You feel like you're up to something.

[Shane]

I kind of do.

[Bill]

Like Toby.

[Spade]

No, I am.

[Shane]

Or I'LL like, forget it. I'll go. I'll leave for the weekend to do stand up, and I'll be on stage and I'll try to preface, but I'd be like, I'm not trying to get a. I just forgot my ring. And people are like, okay, dude, how about you calm down? I'm like, just kidding, guys. I thought it was a funny joke.

[Matt]

It's clearly funny. Geez.

[Shane]

Sorry, stardom. Thought you guys had a sense of humor here in Alabama.

[Matt]

That's the worst. The thing. You're like, this will be funny. This is a personal thing about me right now.

[Shane]

Yep.

[Matt]

The crowd's just.

[Shane]

Ew.

[Bill]

Staring at you, everyone.

[Matt]

I just said diarrhea before I came out here.

[Bill]

Say the thing we want to hear.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, dude, Trump.

[Shane]

I. I had retired.

[Matt]

Shut the up right now.

[Shane]

No one gives a. I had to. I had to retire the eating babies joke. I had to retire it. People just don't want eating babies joke. Yeah, it was. I thought it was a poignant observation.

[Bill]

Hit me with it.

[Shane]

The podcast.

[Matt]

No, no.

[Spade]

Where the link.

[Shane]

The link.

[Bill]

Give me a little taste it.

[Shane]

It absolutely ruins the vibe. So here's the thing.

[Bill]

Naughty.

[Shane]

Okay, so I'm going out there. I go, hey, you know, blah, blah, it's whose birthday? Oh, good for you. I don't give a. Whatever crushes every time.

[Matt]

And then.

[Shane]

And then I say, you know, I say, look, the world is kind of designed in, like, a scary up way. And I say, hey, have you ever eaten ve? And they go. Crowd goes, yeah, I've eaten.

[Spade]

Feel.

[Shane]

You know what it is? You go, yeah, it's a baby cow. It's kind of up. And I go, you know, lamb? They go, oh, yeah, Baby sheep. Yeah. And I go, so, you know what? If you wordy a human being who would be the most delicious option? And I start. And they go, oh, no. I go, yeah, babies would be according to nature, the way it's designed. Babies are the most delicious. I was like, if you think about it, it would be, you know, it's kind of up to think about. It's kind of like, you see their arm pop out of the lobster pot. You little pink little army. No. So they don't like that. So I've retired it.

[Bill]

I mean, I watched a video today. Not to debunk your joke, but, like, I watched a video today in Uganda. There's a town of cannibalists that believe in wizards and cannibals, and they say that all humans, no matter what age, taste the same.

[Shane]

Really?

[Matt]

So debunked.

[Shane]

Maybe I can bring that to the stage.

[Bill]

You can bring that to the stage.

[Shane]

Guys. I'm just kidding. All humans taste equally delicious.

[Bill]

Because these guys in Uganda, they know.

[Shane]

Really? So they're saying a baby doesn't taste any better.

[Matt]

That can't be true.

[Bill]

They grow up learning that there's.

[Matt]

I've seen a lot of people that taste.

[Shane]

You don't think a baby's a 5 wagyu?

[Bill]

Talk to these guys in Uganda. They live. It's called Rael.

[Shane]

Rael.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Taco Bell's end of life cows.

[Matt]

Allegedly.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah, I heard about that.

[Matt]

They're great, right?

[Spade]

Well, supposedly there's a diarrhea outbreak from. And they're trying.

[Matt]

From Taco Bell?

[Spade]

No, no, no. They're trying to say news. They're trying to say that they're. They're salad or whatever, like their lettuce and is. Because there's Mexicans who are on the crops. And then I looked into it. There was like, videos from when Mexicans first came over here. And they're like, please, anywhere but the crops. But they keep on the crops when they're.

[Matt]

They're out there.

[Spade]

They're out there in the woods.

[Matt]

They're not going to walk back.

[Spade]

I know. So, like, supposedly this outbreak is literally from Mexicans dumping on crops. Have you ever driven through Yuma?

[Matt]

No.

[Spade]

Obviously never.

[Matt]

Took the three test.

[Spade]

Me and Spay, we're on three. Temporary.

[Shane]

What do you see? See someone on the crowd?

[Spade]

There's lettuce farms, dude. And it's all Mexicanos, the whole thing.

[Shane]

They're on the lettuce out there.

[Bill]

I don't see a lot of portalettes.

[Spade]

No.

[Matt]

If you're out there, there's no way you're walking three miles back to a shed.

[Spade]

We were in Dade County, Florida.

[Bill]

Think about the heat and then the itching and the burning.

[Spade]

Yeah, it's probably liquid, bro.

[Shane]

Oh. When they first come here, not even

[Bill]

wipe right and have to work the rest of the.

[Shane]

Dude, our diet wrecks Mexicans when they first come here. The food crushes them. Yeah, I. I audibly witnessed a guy who had just been here for two weeks dump in when he worked in Tom's taco truck. And I took him into this, like, place in Drexel's campus, and I was like, yo. He. I was like, where's the bathroom? I peed him. Like, it's right there. He's like, no, no, no, no. Hit the toilet. It was like.

[Bill]

It was great.

[Shane]

I was like, God damn it. Thunderstru I sat on the outside of stall, went, God damn, Ramon. What the is that?

[Bill]

Every summer we get the lads painting, they come over here and you go, damn. That's what we're supposed to look like. They're all like Gaelic football players and all. Warm ups Adidas after like a summer, dude.

[Shane]

Oh, the Irish summer.

[Bill]

A summer of Wawa, bro. Done.

[Shane]

They're fried.

[Bill]

They're. They look like the rest of us.

[Shane]

They become white trash.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Stick wood, couple haggies. Yeah.

[Bill]

Next thing you know, it's too addictive. You just go up to the screen.

[Matt]

Yeah. Rocks.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Mac and cheese.

[Matt]

Little Mac and cheese for me.

[Spade]

Yeah. Dude, we were in. We went back in the day. We would go to Florida for Easter and we're in Dade County. My dad got a haircut from, like Dominicans in the hood. It was crazy random, Eric.

[Bill]

And then.

[Matt]

We're so nuts, dude.

[Spade]

We're going.

[Matt]

I got hit with that, bro.

[Spade]

We're going by like, literally almost a plantation.

[Bill]

Need to do that.

[Matt]

My first special, I panicked the day before.

[Bill]

Panicked.

[Matt]

Got ripped with a nasty Dominican Caesar. Like, dude, the bags.

[Spade]

Put oil in the bags and curled them, dude.

[Shane]

My dad.

[Spade]

My dad went. Was like, yeah, that's a good haircut, Bill. Let's go. I'm getting you a haircut. Brought me and got one on our way back. Yeah, pretty much.

[Shane]

And we all get the same haircut as our dad, by the way. All of us get the exact same haircut.

[Spade]

On the way home, we're going by like, literally like an orange farm. And my dad is, oh, check, I'm gonna pull over. There's a smashbox right there. It's 98 degrees. And he took a. In the porta potty that was like, dude, it was probably breached. Like, I've been in scrap yards before. Up in Absco up in North Philly, where there was a. Just a abandoned porta potty next to the scale. And I was like, I got a piss, dude. And it was. Was literally perfectly diamond up top and just dry demon smell out of water over. There was no water.

[Shane]

It was so old.

[Matt]

It was just a bleach.

[Shane]

It was like a riverbank on Mars.

[Spade]

It was crazy. I walked in there, I was like, God damn, that's crazy. And then I just rolled.

[Shane]

Wait, did you reactivate? Did you pee on it?

[Spade]

I didn't reactivate that.

[Matt]

Dude, you gotta pee on it.

[Shane]

Where'd you pee?

[Matt]

Volcano?

[Shane]

You didn't pee in there, bro.

[Spade]

That's foul.

[Matt]

You gotta pee on the breach, dude. It's the Eighth grade sign.

[Spade]

I would have got like some disease, bro.

[Shane]

Mommy's curse literally didn't smell.

[Spade]

I swear to God that there's just

[Shane]

a Mexican in there like this.

[Spade]

Did you ever see the Mexican aliens? They're like papier mache, three foot aliens.

[Bill]

That was great.

[Spade]

Yeah, that was.

[Bill]

That came and went. There was no other words on that.

[Spade]

Yeah, like the Indian moon landing. Also hilarious.

[Shane]

Who's Indian moon landing?

[Spade]

Indian moon landing. Looks like a deleted scene from Star wars graphics.

[Shane]

They're on the control panel. Like there is no bobs up there

[Matt]

bringing down your bobs.

[Bill]

It's like 16 bit.

[Spade]

It's so.

[Matt]

Yeah, it's star Fox. Yeah, Star Fox through the space. It's crazy.

[Spade]

It really does look like an old video game. It's crazy. They tried to pull that just like. Dude, just don't go to space. You guys have king everything else.

[Bill]

You don't have the gear space. Yeah.

[Shane]

Did they. Wait, so did they actually go or do you think it's cap?

[Spade]

No, dude.

[Shane]

So they capped about the moon.

[Spade]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Oh, it's really beautiful. Oh, they're not lying. It's very beautiful to moon.

[Matt]

Yeah,

[Shane]

It's a very beautiful moon.

[Matt]

They are that Houston. That culture center must be nuts. 15 guys, have you tried pressing this? Give me this. I'll respond with gift card. You give me $500.

[Spade]

We have a problem.

[Bill]

Bollywood Apollo 13 they call mission control

[Shane]

every time it goes and they come up. Hello, hello, sir.

[Spade]

Dude, those.

[Matt]

Let me tell you something.

[Shane]

We're coming to the atmosphere. We're crashing. She calm down, buddy. Don't tell me to calm down, buddy.

[Matt]

Dude, I got hit with the algo.

[Bill]

You buddy

[Shane]

me, I'll you the algo

[Matt]

of dudes bothering 711 guys.

[Spade]

Have you been hit with

[Bill]

rage bait?

[Matt]

I watch they rage bait. The Indian bros. Oh God. Indian bros always go in the back, get the big stick, come out sends me.

[Spade]

Dude, it's now that you said that

[Matt]

I have seen those guys tickle the guys.

[Shane]

When a guy walks in and one of those goes

[Matt]

don't do this.

[Bill]

It's so aggressive.

[Matt]

I'll call 119. Don't do this because I'm here to work for my. It's my first day. Don't do this.

[Spade]

Don't do this.

[Shane]

Yeah, who are you?

[Matt]

119 on?

[Spade]

I watch that like they come in,

[Matt]

they order an energy drink, they crack open, they drink it, they go. I don't want this little rain.

[Bill]

Quick rain.

[Shane]

B.

[Matt]

It's in fun.

[Spade]

It's so bad.

[Matt]

It is mean. It's mean, no.

[Spade]

They deserve every ounce of it.

[Bill]

Dude.

[Spade]

What? They ruined my phone.

[Bill]

No, no, no, no, no. Not the guys that work at.

[Shane]

Guys on the front line.

[Spade]

Hurt people. Hurt people. No, they got me. They made me change my phone number. Dude. I was getting 130 calls. We had to. They're.

[Bill]

You were saying, can I talk to a. What A white man?

[Spade]

Dude, that gets a man every time I did this. Dude, they are scamming out old people. I told today that before. He's like, why are you so mean to him? I'm like, bro, they're literally scamming old people.

[Shane]

True.

[Spade]

I have to. But they won the battle. I'm done, bro. They put their flag. My phone number.

[Shane]

Let's fire. Let's fire it back up. I love.

[Spade]

With those guys I used to call and they would say, what's your name? I'd be like, it's a weird name. It's H U G H and last name is J A N U S like Hugh Janus.

[Matt]

You.

[Spade]

You bloody Hugh Janus Would work every time. I loved it.

[Shane]

Fire up the old phone.

[Spade]

Yeah, 69 Ball Sack Avenue. That would get.

[Bill]

They would go, Zip Cody. Just go, 696969. That's rage B.

[Shane]

Now, the best is when you keep them all for three minutes and go, okay, I'm ready to sign. Oh, and what? So. Oh, real quick, before I do this, I'm gonna. Your mom. Oh, you, buddy. And I'm my mom. You.

[Spade]

They were getting me for Matt having delinquent. And it was an old. I had Spade on the phone with me and she's like, where's your brother? I was like, I don't know. I don't know where the he's at. I think he's dead. She's like, you ain't nothing but a little jitterbug. It was like some Southern we used to go to.

[Bill]

We used to talk to them. And then once they realized was the both of us, they knew, like, something was up. Then it was just.

[Spade]

It was mayhem. Call the cops. I don't give a. I'm gonna fire.

[Shane]

I gotta fire back. I was just thinking about firing those guys. Back up. You can look up the numbers on.

[Matt]

I think they have fun with it.

[Spade]

They do.

[Bill]

They do.

[Matt]

It's a fun part of the day.

[Spade]

I like to get them. If I get them, most of their

[Bill]

day is just hang up, hang up, hang up.

[Shane]

Also, I got an inside track saying a lot of them are in recovery. So they're just in warehouses in Florida trying to like, who the gets that job? Well yeah. You call me. Go. Yo bro. Thinking about in it get. They get up.

[Bill]

That's up.

[Shane]

I was. I was told by someone in recovery to hit them with that.

[Bill]

Yeah, I mean they're, they're, they're.

[Shane]

They might not be all the way recovered. Where you going? Florida. How's you clean, man. How many days you got?

[Spade]

Oh, you.

[Bill]

You might have.

[Shane]

I'm not saying I put this off.

[Matt]

That's so evil.

[Shane]

I'm not saying. I'm saying you can't do that.

[Spade]

That's zero gravity right now.

[Matt]

Don't bunch this.

[Shane]

I'm on the hood.

[Bill]

I'm on the hood.

[Matt]

Good.

[Shane]

I'm not saying I use it. I'm saying if you. If you get attacked, you can let it go. My bad. Mean to Wallburg out on you guys.

[Spade]

You look like you're in zero G over there. Keeps floating up on it. You're the I.S.S.

[Bill]

sorry. That's all. Why is that happening?

[Spade]

I have no idea.

[Bill]

Technical issue. We'll work that out. We apologize, bro.

[Shane]

It took me a second to rival this thing. Dude.

[Spade]

Sometime. It's not the wand, it's the wizard.

[Bill]

The wand picks.

[Spade]

The wizard keeps trying to come over to me, you guys.

[Shane]

Hilarious, dude.

[Spade]

I'm just gonna be okay, bro.

[Shane]

Dude, do you ever think about going backwards hat on stage.

[Bill]

You guys are absolutely fine. You're literally normal.

[Matt]

It's not funny.

[Spade]

Am I cooked?

[Shane]

You're undeniably mask, bro. I'm chopped on your mask, bro. That's sick.

[Spade]

Forget your worries. We'll get a double Sicilian pizza from Franco's with regard and salt sausage. Yo, cuz, you don't want to be Italian.

[Shane]

Imagine the chill afterwards. That's going to be nice. It's going to be the chill also. It's going to be the chill. It's going to be nasty as I got a feeling. I mean. Give yourself a high five. Dude. It's gonna be.

[Matt]

My mom's not even going.

[Spade]

Are you serious?

[Matt]

She went on vacation. It's funny because she definitely feels bad and she's sending me texts. She's like. She probably didn't realize that it was a year away. I told her this. No, she knew this was coming. She was like, I have to go to Europe. Me and your aunt.

[Bill]

Europe.

[Matt]

We've planned to. We've planned this for so long. She can literally go change it a week. Just a week later.

[Shane]

Yeah, I'll pay for it.

[Matt]

Yeah, she's sending me texts. It's like, just know that my soul is with You. And I'm like, mom, you're on vacation.

[Shane]

My soul is really nice.

[Matt]

No, she's. She's at that age of, like. She'll send me. I'm sure you guys do it too. The moms and dads got a hold of Instagram reels.

[Spade]

Oh, it's crazy.

[Matt]

And I'm getting hit with, like, my son is the most important thing to me, and I love to see him grow into the man he's become.

[Bill]

Oh, my God.

[Matt]

Respond with homeless.

[Bill]

Let me get some shades.

[Matt]

Respond with it.

[Shane]

No, I just.

[Spade]

My mom didn't accept my DMS for, like, a year. I was like, mom, you have to accept it. She goes, sorry.

[Matt]

Phil's on the reels. I called him last night. He was. Joan's gone. Phil's getting hammered. Oh, normal.

[Spade]

He's, like, keeping it clean.

[Matt]

No, he's still getting hammered. But this.

[Spade]

No, no, I'm talking about.

[Matt]

Oh, the reels. I think he's still normal.

[Spade]

Okay.

[Matt]

But he was in the night hustle. He was in the dark.

[Bill]

I mean, YouTube got me.

[Matt]

Called him in the dark. He was sitting in the dark, looking at reels and scrolling. Doom scrolling in the recliner. And I was like, bro, what are you doing? And he was like, nothing.

[Spade]

Just looking at the.

[Matt]

What's the thing? The phone thing. It was like, Instagram. He's like, yeah.

[Bill]

I was like, dude, this is gonna be the last decade of probably real.

[Spade]

We.

[Matt]

Oh, yeah. Well, there's no sports last night. Yeah, normally he's on the sports.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Yeah. But sports is on real.

[Spade]

He's usually.

[Matt]

Oh, that's what he was watching. I was like, what are you watching?

[Bill]

Reels is like, bro.

[Matt]

He was watching Luke Keakley highlights.

[Bill]

I was watching, dude, my last. My last. If I don't go on. If I go on the Internet, dude, it's like Caitlyn Clark fighting.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Bill]

LeBron MJ arguments, bro. Messi Ronaldo's out. But, man, now it's like, messy stuff.

[Matt]

Like, you need to. I'll send you the Luke Kikley highlight video that Phil was watching.

[Bill]

Okay?

[Matt]

It's. You're gonna go, damn, that's actually sick. It's cool. You're watching. He was just watching a heady linebacker.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Just a white man playing. Just a guy. He was calling plays before the offense.

[Bill]

Right.

[Matt]

I mean, that's Phil's right. He's drunk in a recliner at 11:30.

[Spade]

He's like. He is like Palpatine on the deck. We all up there.

[Matt]

He was just. Were you with me when he didn't know we were coming. We got outside, he was like, oh,

[Shane]

hey, how are you guys?

[Matt]

He thought he was alone there. Look like.

[Spade]

It looked like when Maverick rolled up on Iceman in the new Top Gun. He was just sitting in the chair like, he's got.

[Matt]

He's got the glow of the TV on the porch. She just. Yo, Phil, what's going on?

[Spade]

Oh, Jesus.

[Matt]

Hey, dude, you're wasting Shane.

[Bill]

I'm not.

[Matt]

Couple drinks, but no, he's been calling. He calls my assistant constantly for tickets.

[Shane]

Oh, yeah.

[Matt]

All like, dude, he's got like, 40 tickets to this thing. And it's people. It's just anybody. Yeah, it's like Shane the bartender. T bone down at the Elk's Lodge.

[Bill]

Her. Her.

[Matt]

She was in a tough car accident. Great.

[Spade]

Insane.

[Matt]

My son wants to come to the.

[Bill]

I mean, it's happening to everybody.

[Matt]

It's.

[Bill]

Yeah, yeah.

[Shane]

That's. Dude, the.

[Bill]

The list was everybody I ever met.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

So I'm gonna get you box sweets. Dude, now that you asked me, I'm gonna get you.

[Matt]

I hear him talking to my assistant, asking for tickets, and I'll be like, put that on speaker. You're not getting tickets, Phil. And he's like. Like, God damn it, Grace. Don't let him hear this. So I'm gonna need those tickets. He's getting the ticket. I say no to him every time. He's getting the tickets.

[Spade]

He's a power broker.

[Matt]

There's. Yeah, Phil has a section at the Link. Dude, are you serious? Yes. And it's just random people that probably don't give a about me, right? It's probably. Yeah. My son's down there if you want to go check him out.

[Shane]

Oh, my God.

[Matt]

And then I go, oh, you're proud of me. He's like, not proud of you, Shane. Yeah, you are. You're wearing a tires hat. It's a nice hat.

[Spade]

People like it.

[Matt]

That is awesome. He's a scumbag. Although he'll be excited my mom's not there.

[Shane]

Yeah, he's going to be.

[Matt]

Let the hair up with this thing.

[Shane]

Is he getting a Kelly?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Do you have to be there in the morning and stuff?

[Matt]

I probably will. I'll get there pretty early, Right. I'm going to sit in the Eagles locker room.

[Bill]

Still going to be able to walk

[Shane]

around the lake like a heart attack.

[Bill]

Like he owns a it.

[Shane]

He can walk. He's gonna walk. He's gonna be giving tours. Dude, he'd be getting over here.

[Bill]

This is where they want.

[Matt]

He'll be. Yeah. And then he'll be like, shane, invite him into the green room. They want to meet you, dude. I'm not. You're bringing 10 people from the Elks Club and that. Like, every show, I go. I go, those are my dad's friends. There's six old drunk dudes in the corner.

[Shane]

Who was the kid that threw up that one time?

[Matt]

That was my cousin. Cousin's nephew. It was like a distant relative showed up and was blacked out. Ran to the bathroom. So they threw up everywhere throughout the building.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And then came back in.

[Bill]

I've done this in my life.

[Spade]

I had a pile of goobies in Baltimore that was legendary.

[Matt]

Take Me Back was a legendary trip.

[Shane]

That was so fun.

[Spade]

Everyone met their maker that night.

[Matt]

No, I plowed through those shirts.

[Shane]

Did you? I was so drunk.

[Spade]

That was a big kahuna.

[Matt]

Really forgot. I. I didn't remember taking them, except in the car ride home. I was like, I'm thinking weird.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Matt]

My thoughts. Oh, yeah.

[Shane]

We were full of banging on your door.

[Bill]

I was.

[Shane]

I was like, dude, he ever. The whole squad disintegrated. You were ground man. I'm pretty sure I was ground man,

[Spade]

but I was heavily sunburnt.

[Shane]

Sure.

[Matt]

So I threw up.

[Spade]

I threw up in the McGoobies bathroom. And then we went back, and I just remember Spade. And you were all up. You looked at me like, holy, dude, you're sunburned. I was like, yeah, this hurts.

[Matt]

Rules does rule.

[Shane]

That was me that night. I was spot. That was me right behind you. I was just sitting there.

[Matt]

New Year's. Was that New Year's?

[Spade]

Hell, no.

[Matt]

Why were we popping?

[Bill]

It was Memorial.

[Spade]

Memorial Day weekend.

[Shane]

Popping bottles, eating mushrooms. It was awesome.

[Matt]

We did it, boys. McGubies.

[Bill]

That was.

[Shane]

That was live cast.

[Matt]

Oh, that's it.

[Shane]

Those things are. They just destroy you.

[Spade]

They were.

[Matt]

The live casts are some of the worst shows.

[Shane]

You show up and you have no plan, and then there's a live audience. You're like, I'm hitting the eject button and getting faced on stage. And you just completely devolve on stage.

[Spade]

It's how legends are made.

[Shane]

It was pretty. It is pretty sick.

[Spade]

Awesome. Yeah. That was.

[Matt]

Got in that fight with a guy about Penn State at helium. Epic. Guy had to get, like, carried out. He trying to rush the stage to fight over a college football argument.

[Spade]

Yeah. You were saying something about Joa. Wasn't that guy, like, hurt or something?

[Shane]

Like.

[Spade]

Like, mentally? He had, like, a brain injury.

[Matt]

Guy was fired up. He tried to rush the stage.

[Spade]

He was so angry. I forgot about that.

[Bill]

You could always do that. I was telling you, Matt, randomly go through people algorithm up on the screen.

[Matt]

He did.

[Shane]

We did.

[Bill]

I'm saying like on next time you do a live.

[Shane]

That would be fun.

[Bill]

If you do a live podcast.

[Shane]

Yeah, that'd be fun. Now. Now we have showmanship truly under our belts. After tomorrow we can have. We can lead a circus.

[Bill]

Abby say if you got rides involved,

[Shane]

we're going to become sig free.

[Bill]

Did.

[Spade]

Baratzi's doing the amusement park.

[Matt]

He's making an amusement park.

[Shane]

Exactly.

[Matt]

I'm gonna. I was strongly considering getting wired up and launching out of the stadium at the end there. And I was like really fast.

[Shane]

I think you deserve a bad top row.

[Matt]

Just fast.

[Shane]

I think you deserve at least if nothing else, one exotic animal in your house. Come on. I've been scheming on a backyard tortoise.

[Matt]

That'd be awesome.

[Shane]

That'd be sick. Having a tortoise in your backyard.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

Would break.

[Shane]

No, no. You got to dig. You got to dig your fence down. I. I really looked into it. You got to dig like footers. I dig out. But it will trash your garden. They're known as. They're known as bulldo.

[Bill]

They're bulldozers.

[Shane]

They'll bulldoze your entire garden.

[Matt]

That's awesome.

[Spade]

It'd be awesome. Dude, you need to get a mug monke or what are they Michael Jackson's Monkey Bubbles? I keep watching that video. That's the only thing I think about.

[Shane]

Well, you can start tortoise. You can get a little guy and it'll take a while for it to get big. So he's got a little. Little humble tortoise.

[Bill]

I think tortoises in Paris live like

[Shane]

long as they live forever. You'd have to put it in your will. Your tortoise would be in your will for sure.

[Bill]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Shane]

They live long as hell.

[Bill]

No, I saw a thing. I was watching. The Saudis are building roller coasters right now.

[Shane]

Really?

[Bill]

At. You gotta see this.

[Spade]

Probably live leak roller coaster park.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Spade]

I'm talking, dude. It's like decapitation all the time.

[Shane]

How's it looking?

[Bill]

It's sick, dude. I wanna. You. You brought up roller coasters. I was like, what?

[Shane]

Yeah. What is the latest on roller coaster technology?

[Bill]

It's in Saudi. That's what I'm saying.

[Matt]

They're pretty great.

[Shane]

Are they really?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Spade]

I haven't even thought about going on one ever since a little boy got hurt on that slingshot one, bro.

[Shane]

Yeah.

[Spade]

That's the worst video I've seen in a while. Which one where the thing shoots up in the air and it's coming back down. The fat kid gets to the ground before hits the cement and they all come down, but his didn't clip in. Yeah. So he got ejected out of the thing.

[Shane]

Let me.

[Spade]

Let me rock that I'm no stranger Bush gardens.

[Shane]

I Location six five Bush Garden.

[Bill]

This is Saudis, dude. They don't give a. They have no.

[Shane]

535ft.

[Spade]

That's terrifying.

[Shane]

Come on. Total elevation change 640ft, 195 meters. For you dorks in Europe, it takes a while, dude, but 155 miles an hour.

[Bill]

It's worth it.

[Matt]

This is terrible.

[Spade]

It's gonna be you.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Shane]

Hold on. Let me see.

[Matt]

Let me. Tomorrow, that's gonna be me trying to sleep tonight.

[Shane]

Let me see the drop. This is a drop. That's the drop. First drop.

[Spade]

Oh.

[Shane]

Oh, dude. We got. We're taking the loop. Yo. Okay. We're doing.

[Matt]

After that. You need to look up Williams Grove roller coaster. You have a roller coaster? There was. And it was.

[Bill]

There was nuts.

[Matt]

Would never like nothing.

[Bill]

Bring it back.

[Matt]

Nothing worked.

[Shane]

That's.

[Matt]

It was fun.

[Shane]

Damn.

[Matt]

It was small as. So it wasn't wooden.

[Shane]

We thought. Yeah.

[Matt]

I do actually have.

[Shane]

Yeah, let's rip it.

[Matt]

I have to go walk. Walk to the.

[Bill]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I don't even. This will be a mistake looking at it.

[Shane]

No, it's gonna be great. Hands behind your back. Walk through. Go that. Let's get a crane in here. We got to move that four feet to the left. You got to do one thing.

[Matt]

New sound check. It's gonna echo. I'm gonna go. That's fine. Doesn't matter.

[Shane]

That's where you're going right now.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Shane]

Kill it. Yeah. Let me see that. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's secret podcast on Spotify.

[Spade]

Do it.

[Matt]

It.