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This is Maximum Lawyer with your host, Tyson Mutrix. Welcome back to Maximum Lawyer. I am Tyson Mutrix and I really want to talk to you about what we did in Phoenix when it comes to the Freemans. So I don't know if you've ever heard of the Freemans. They've got a pretty strong social media following and so we wanted to bring them out to Phoenix for our wellness workshop and they did not disappoint. Jocelyn and Aaron, phenomenal. They did an amazing job. I want to share a little bit about what they presented. I'm not going to give everything, I think that, that I don't want to, that what they presented is very special and I think most of it should probably come from them. But I did want to share a few things and it was really just. They did an amazing job the entire weekend or not weekend. The Thursday and Friday was phenomenal. It was so good. We had an amazing group. It was top three groups we've ever had. I'd say it was just phenomenal when it comes to the quality of the conversations, the depth of the conversations. I mean I really left thinking, oh my gosh, this is, this was incredible. We did, it was cool because we did this differently. This was something we did different than like by like way different than what we've ever done. So we had, usually what we have is like the mastermind. We'll have it on Friday. This one, we had it on Thursday. Friday was the wellness day. So we started the day with a hike. I did bring some donuts to start the day. I know that may, may not be super, well wellness related, but I don't know, I thought it was fun. After we did the hike, which was 2.8 miles I think. So we did. It was crazy. What was nuts about, nuts about it is that we, we were hiking, we were talking the whole time and next to know, before, before we knew it, it was done. Like it was just, it was nice. It was just being able to have a nice conversation as we were all hiking. And then we come back and we did yoga. That was really just amazing. Kayla, the yogi, she did an incredible job. It was a very laid back yoga. She even did a sound bath as part of it, which I didn't know she was going to do. Becca might have known, I don't know. But it was really, really good. And then after that, that's when we got started with the Freedmans. The Freeman's did a two hour training, I did a one hour training and then we ended the day with A mini mind which was for the mastermind level people, but just, just an amazing, amazing couple days with some great people. So just that's why we have the association just getting to hang out with, with just great people. So, but I want to talk about, so a part of what they, the Freeman's, what they taught. So they did the three skills that make or break relationships, that was the topic. But what I want to talk about is a portion of it where they call it the conflict cycle. And it starts with a triggering event. And by the way, this can apply to any relationship. This is not, you know, just if you're married. And it was fun because Amy was there too. So we both got to experience this. It was, we were all joking about like how this was like therapy. It really was kind of, it was a lot of fun. But they talk about how this all starts with like a triggering event which is always the result of an unmet need. Okay. That was an important part of what they pointed out. There's a triggering event which is the result of an unmet need. And what you have is you have the trigger, okay, which is, it's based on some sort of core fear, typically. And kind of like think of this when it comes to the cycle as a circle, okay? There's no die if you're just listening to this. I don't have any diagrams on the screen or anything. I'm not going to show any diagrams, but just imagine a circle. And so it starts with that trigger. And so the husband's triggers, it's got the uncore, they've got their core fears and they have this on the chart. They start with the husband. It could be a friend, it could be the wife, it could be whatever. But in this situation, let's say you have this unmet need which triggers the core fears of the husband. And then, then the husband reacts in a certain way and then you've got the wife's triggers, so it triggers her core fears and then she reacts in a certain way, her typical way. And it just spirals and spirals. And they talked about how have you ever been in an argument and then all of a sudden it just out of nowhere gets out of control. And I think, I mean, unless you're extremely rare, you've probably had that sort of experience before. And the whole idea of this, the whole exercise of this is getting out of this cycle, finding a way to break this conflict cycle. And so I'm going to talk about some of the core fears, I'm going to talk about some of the default patterns, some of the which are like the reactions that we typically have. And I'm going to do my best to explain it. They are, I mean, they're the pros like they are. I mean they, that's their entire job at this point in their lives where they, all they do is they help you with relationships. But so for example, we talked about how there's that triggering event because some sort of unmet need and maybe the husband feels rejected. And I'm listing some, listing some of the ones that are on the core fears or they said the most common ones, the husband not feeling good enough or maybe the husband's feeling humiliated. These are some of the core fears. And then the way the husband reacts, their default reaction might be maybe they'll stonewall or they'll withdraw from the conversation or shut down or maybe they'll be passive aggressive. That could be one of them. Or maybe they'll attack, right? Maybe that's something we're, you know, not physically attacked, but verbally attacked. Or maybe they're criticized like that's the reaction. And then what that hap. What happens then is that triggers a core fear in the wife where maybe she feels controlled or maybe she's feeling unloved. These. So these are some of her core fears. Or maybe she feels insignificant or feel she feels alone. Right. And I'm just kind of picking random ones that I'm seeing on this list. There's like 30 of each of these. And so then the wife reacts, right? Maybe the wife feels, you know, provoked or maybe she feels that the husband is exaggerating and she doesn't like that. Or maybe what she'll do, or maybe she'll exaggerate or maybe she'll, you know, rewrite history a little bit. These are, could be some of her default reactions. And so it just, what happens is it just keeps going, keeps going. And if you don't have some sort of off ramp, what happens is it spirals and it gets worse and worse and worse. And so what you have to do is you have to find a way to self regulate. So you have to be able to identify. You have to be able to identify that it's happening and you have to break the cycle. Okay. And that's the gist of what I want to talk about today is you have to notice it. And no matter how much you want to keep going with it. Because we all have our core fears and we all have our typical way of we react. But what we have to do is we have to Break that cycle and do something that we don't normally do, and that can be really hard. So let's say you've got an employee. And the reason why we did this wellness, this whole wellness day is because this wellness retreat life intersects with the firms all the time, okay? So if you're having an argument with your spouse, it bleeds into the business. If you're having an argument with an employee, it bleeds into your. Your home life. And so having some sort of balance is really, really important. And I'm not talking about the whole work life balance thing. I'm just talking about having some sort of equilibrium both in work and at home. I'm not saying that those two need to be balanced with each other. I'm saying you need to have balance inside of those each. Each of those lives, okay? Because it all just bleeds together. Because if you don't have equilibrium in each of those, you will not have equilibrium between the two of them. All right? So I think I just want to make sure that that's very clear. That's why we do that. But let's say that you're having some sort of a disagreement with a co worker. Maybe there's someone on leadership team. And so maybe it triggers some sort of fears. Maybe, maybe inadequacy. Maybe you don't feel like you're a very good leader, so it's triggering one of your fears. And what do you do? Maybe, maybe in that situation, maybe you belittle another employee. Okay? And I know that some of you probably do it. I don't mean it, but you do it out. It's just a default reaction because maybe it's something you learned. Maybe it's something you learned your entire life. And so something I talked about in my training was about how some of the things we do, we practice them our entire lives. That's why we're so good at them. And so some of our default patterns are things we just practiced our entire lives. And what that might do is it might trigger some sort of fear in an employee where you belittle them. They feel unimportant. That's one of their fears. And what do they do? Maybe they shut down, or maybe they defend themselves. Okay? And you have this cycle at work, what you have to do as the leader and as someone that has listened to the Maxweller podcast and learned and identified this, you have to find an off ramp. And I. They had us go through and identify some of our fears and some of our triggers or our default patterns. I mean, and so some of my default patterns, at least whenever I am in an argument with Amy, so I'm going to kind of open, pull the card back a little bit is I do sometimes I will just kind of shut down. I'm like, I'm just like done, you know, like be done with it. And as Amy, as Amy pointed out during the training is I can get a little passive aggressive whenever we are in a, in a little bit of an argument. So we all have these things, we have to be able to identify them. So let's say that I have noticed. So I've. My, my. If you can recognize the, the, the triggers, the fears, you can head this off a lot faster. Okay. Because what you don't want to do is, okay, you've identified that you're feeling. I'm gonna pull, let me pick another one of these that's, that's on this list. So misunderstood, you've identified that you're feeling misunderstood before you react. So let's. Let me pick another. Manipulate or catastrophize. Let's use catastrophize. That is your default reaction before you react. You identify this and you stop the cycle. Okay? You stop the cycle. And what you need to do is you, then you have to self regulate. And so they have this, they give us a whole packet. And again, I'm not going to show the packet, I'm not going to show any diagrams because I, I wouldn't feel comfortable because this is something that's sort of proprietary to their stuff. And I just want to give you some of the basics of it. And one of the ways that they talked about addressing the situation is that how did you contribute to this? Even though you may not have thought you had done anything wrong, there might have been something you did to contribute to this. And you acknowledge that, that you had your role in it, right? And that is a way. So you've identified it, you did not catastrophize like you normally do, and instead you acknowledge to the other person your role in this. And they kind of have to do the same thing too, because the risk is, is that they're still caught up in the moment, they could keep pushing and they want to try to continue the cycle. And you as the adult in the room have to not bite into it, right? You don't allow yourself to continue the cycle. So the steps, the self regulation steps, identify, regulate and interrupt. Okay? So you've identified, you've regulated it, okay. And then you interrupt it. And that's, you know what, Amy, I'm Sorry, I. Whatever it may have been. Okay, you have to interrupt it and regulate. Okay. They talk about the co regulation steps. So listen, understand, validate, empathize. And if you were paying attention, it's actually an acronym. Love l u v e e l u v e. So love so. And then they go into the 5R process to repair after an argument. Reflect responsibility, reconnect, remind, and then reconcile. But that's something more. I think I'll let them teach. You can check that. Check out their stuff. Empowered Couples University. If you ever, ever have an opportunity to see them speak or do a training with them, I highly recommend it. They're not paying me to say this. They're not. We have no agreement, there's no affiliate deal, nothing like that. All I know is I left that feeling just wonderful. I. I thought it was a. Just an absolutely amazing training. It was two hours of just value. Just absolutely two hours of value and nothing less. So hopefully got a little bit something from this. I. I'm giving you the very, very watered down version because like I said, I don't want to. Is one of the things that I'm sure they worked very, very hard putting all this together. And I don't want to reveal all of it. I'm giving you the very. The basics of it. But when you get into one of those disagreements with someone, it's important to break the cycle. Okay. Identify your typical reaction. Identify your core fear. Identify your typical reaction. Cut it off, regulate yourself, and then make sure you go through and acknowledge, you know, your role in all of it. And eventually, I think as long as both of you are on the same page, I think it'll be pretty good. I thought it was kind of funny because some people were wondering, well, how do we bring this up to a spouse that may not be here? And I thought it was kind of funny because there were some pretty good recommendations as to how to address it. And the best one I heard was something along the lines of, I think Evelyn Acka may have come up with this one where you just tell the spouse, you know what? We went to this training. They had these people speak. And I learned a lot about myself and I just wanted to share it with you where you're kind of putting it on yourself. And I thought those are really smart idea. So if you check out some of the stuff that Aaron and Jocelyn do. Jocelyn do, then maybe that's how you address it. I thought that was a really good way of addressing it. I was lucky enough to have Amy there where she was able to go through the training as well. But it's really, really good. That's all I have. But I do want to let everyone know. Remember, we have in June, we've got another one coming up and it's going to be a YouTube accelerator. I'm super excited about it. So Ryan Weber is going to be out there. Jeff Hampton is going to be out there. We might have some other guests. We're still trying to line some things up, but we've already got a very ambitious schedule. We are very, very busy or a very ambitious agenda plan for Chicago. So go to max law events.com go to MaximilianLawyer.com if you're interested in the association. If you've not already gone to Becca's list, make sure you check out Becca's list as well. Beccaslist co where you can find out who the best vendors are. Okay. It's free to do okay does not cost anything. So go leave a review. See see who what vendors are the best, which ones are the worst. If you're thinking about using a particular vendor, check them out on Becca's list. If you don't see the vendor you're looking for, let us know and we'll add them. That's not a problem at all. But thanks for joining me this week. This can be a little bit of a shorter one, but I just wanted to offer a little bit of value in an action packed episode. So how about that? But take care everybody and we'll be seeing you.